#isn't that bad because it gives us a way to make our own judgements. also italy is all about revenge stories

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not inviting my transfem friend to my all girls skinny dipping/camping weekend with my cisfem friends? TW for talking about rape

Okay, so the title leaves out a lot of info, so please read through this before making a judgement. There are four friends in total including me and said tranfem friend who I will call Lilly. I will refer to the other two friends as Nicole and June. This all took place not too long ago.

Also, if you are going to judge me in the comments please call me Nick because I keep getting OP confused with the mod whenever I read through other AITA posts and it hurts my brain [e.g. "Nick you're an AH/NTA/etc" vs "OP you're and AH/NTA/etc"]

Now, onto the story.

The thing about this skinny dipping/camping weekend is that it isn't really a vacation trip but an exercise that Nicole, June, and I have planned as a way to help us get over the hatred and toxic self sexualization of our own bodies that we all develop as a result of rape.

The skinny dipping part is meant to give us a safe space to see other ciswomen with similar bodies in a nonsexualized space, and and to simply have fun while embrace our bodies as something to used to have fun with, not just a disgusting useless object for sex to be acted upon on. The camping part would be for us to regoup, share how we are feeling, if this exercise is working, etc, and to cry together if need be over some smores and hot chocolate.

Lilly, who we didn't know at the time if she is or isn't also a survivor [she isn't], did not know that this is an exercise rather then a get-away. Since telling her was an exercise would out all of us as survivors to her, we elected to just not tell her about the trip all together since we didn't want to hurt her feelings and think she was being excluded from one our girl weekends. However, the day before we left for the trip she found out from Lilly's brother gossiping with her. She texted me asking to be invited, which left me in an very awkward spot.

Not only did I not budget food for a fourth person, but well, even though we could make it work, I know if I invited her we'd have to cancel the exercise aspect and turn an outing that was ment to be healing into just another weekend because while she is a women, she does have penis, which is a body part that is extremely triggering for myself and likely Nicole and June to see. I know that I alone, even in an innocent, fun, platonic environment, seeing a penis no matter who's it on would just cause me flashbacks and a panic attack. Who knows what kind of reactions it would cause Nicole and June.

I felt bad, but not wanting to cancel the exercise and not wanting to tell her it was an exercise because I don't want her to know that I'm, or to out Nicole and June without their permission, as survivors, I just gave her the excuse that I didn't have the money to feed four people and that I will save up a lot this month so next month all four of us can go camping together. She was understandablely hurt since she just thought she was being excluded, and I tried to reassure her, but it didn't really work. I contemplated a way to vaguely tell her it wasn't a typical girl's night, but it all sounded like toxic backtracking and so I just left it as it was.

I told Nicole and June about this and though they felt bad too, none of us saw how else to handle this because none of us want Lilly to know we're survivors. We agreed to take Lilly out to dinner and a spa when got back, and told her these plans, then went on our trip.

It was a very healing exercise for me and Nicole and June, and though all of us felt guilty for lying and excluding her, we all agreed afterwards we needed the trip.

However when I found the time to meet up with Lilly alone for lunch a day after we got back, she understandablely called me out for what see saw as being unreasonablely excluded. She yelled at me, called me toxic, a bad friend, etc, which I don't blame her for because if i was in her shoes, I would have felt just as betrayed and hurt.

I tried to calm her down though and use the budgeting excuse, but she just wouldn't stop yelling which is huge trigger for me. After two hours; being kicked out of the restaurant, driving her home, and brought inside her home, all of which I continually being yelled at, I just couldn't cope any more and broke down into tears while in a half panic and told her that it was a trip for me to heal as a rape victim and Nicole and June we're just there as support to help me since they were the only ones who knew [I didn't want to out them] even though I didn't want her to know because I was so desperate just to not be yelled at and berated anymore.

Lilly calmed down after that then told be she understands but that I'm the asshole for not telling her sooner because while she isn't a survivor herself she would have loved to be there to support me. I tried to tell her I wasn't ready for her to know but she said that was just an excuse to go behind her back and excluded her, and that sometimes I need to suck it up and let people know what's going on. I tried to being up that I really, really wasn't ready, but she just kept calling it an excuse and told me to leave once I apologized a few times. I went home, cried for a while and once I was through having panic attacks I called Nicole and June and told them what had happen.

We talked for a while, and Nicole agreed with Lilly that I should have sucked it up and gave her the story that the trip was for me and they were there for support from the start, and June agrued that Lilly shouldn't have yelled and pushed and accepted that budgeting excuse because sometimes it is that way in real life, where a friend gets excluded in one thing, and that we already told her before we went on the trip that we'd make it up to her.

I feel like an asshole though even now, but with Lilly not responding to any texts or calls for a few days now, and Nicole and June still arguing about who was in the right, and me still feeling extremely emotional and raw from being screamed at, I don't know who to trust to be the judge of if I'm in the wrong or not.

Also while Lilly's yelling does sound kind of bad after writing it down, she does have abandonment issues and us seemingly excluding her likely triggered them. Please don't judge her on that, it wouldn't be fair since I broke down crying and made a baby of myself due to my own triggers and I have learned a lot more coping skills then she has. I promise she is a very sweet and kind person, she just hasn't learn ways to cope with her triggers yet.

I'm not asking if she was the asshole because I know I earn that yellling for triggering her even if it ended up trigginger me, I'm just asking if I'm the asshole for not telling her the trip was for me to heal rather then making an excuse about budgeting being why she couldn't come. Please only judge me, my friends are all great and it's only me who possibly messed up since I'm the one who lied!

What are these acronyms?

[myfandomrealitea]

I'm sorry I just saw the screenshot of the reblog by that something-wizard. I just had to say: how DARE they to assume someone else's irl condition? how DARE they to assume how my life is and call me privileged based on the fact that I don't want politics or similar things in my fandom space? I'm going through a very HARD time in fact and because I'm dealing with those very things you said irl and CAN'T VOID THEM, I don't want to hear about them in my fandom space! There are more than one server, blog or similar spaces for each fandom. If one doesn't allow irl topics you can join another that does. If there isn't any? Make your own! I and others don't owe you anything, we don't have to explain why we don't want irl topics discussed in our spaces nor do we have to explain our living conditions to you! Also, having rules for our own spaces(blogs, servers and such) is not censorship. We are not saying "don't discuss irl issues in any fandom space or anywhere online ever art all !!!" We are saying "this is a specific place I created and I don't want those things discussed here, there are other places for that".

And to the op of that post and this blog: I'm sorry for my rant here. I just thought someone has to be very self-centered to think the way they do, especially as I go through a hard time their post was a punch to my gut today. Also thank you.

Based on the rest of the blog and their general responses to people they're just an ignorant troll trying to white-knight the internet and earn brownie points for virtue signalling. You'll see a lot of that when getting into online spaces revolving around media analysis or critical discussion.

Frankly, the best way to deal with those people is just to completely and blatantly block and ignore them. The less attention they get for their parading the less satisfying it is for them. Or if you do engage, do it only in a passive way like memes and reaction pictures, which don't actually give them what they're looking for—the chance to argue with you and look superior.

They just wind up looking like a dick.

The vast majority of the people lashing out at me on that post are people who firmly believe that because there is suffering in the world we must all suffer in solidarity. That we must relentlessly and restlessly fight in their honor.

Some might say that ideal is noble. I say its fucking stupid. Psychologists say its fucking stupid. People who have burnt themselves out trying to fulfil that expectation say its fucking stupid.

The people wilfully launching into the worst bad-faith assumptions about that post are the ones who need to sit back and reflect upon themselves. And possibly go back into the educational system.

I'm used to people making the worst assumptions of me. It doesn't bother me. It never will because they don't know me and all their grandstanding just makes them look like a judgemental idiot. I'm here to say what I think and to share factual information, and I'm doing so. If they disagree with that they're welcome to, but I'm not obligated to indulge them on it.

[fandoomrants]

So I have this love-hate thing for the whole Hunger Games because while I've seen the movies and read the books and I've been hyped and I've waited for each movie, gone to see it, etc, and I usually don't like First POV in books yet everything in them is so brilliant... It gives me chills. Because I can't say the writing itself is a masterpiece in terms of language used, although it's brilliant because it fits the perspective of a teenage girl, it's raw and doesn't sugarcoat anything, the way everything is presented is amazing and that's the whole appeal actually.

The Capitol, for example. They're shown almost as the bad guys, not just Snow but all the citizens because they find the games interesting and don't do anything to stop them. And District 13, which was believed to be destroyed and then we find out it's not and in the beginning this is like some light in the tunnel but then we slowly realise that Coin and Snow aren't too different and they're both power hungry and cruel in their own ways while at the same time we meet people from the Capitol who aren't bad and genuinely want to help and change this reality. And all the layers that get revealed until we reach these conclusions along with Katniss...

But what really scares me is that... This isn't entirely unlikely to happen in the future. Like, we already have distopian novels that have influenced real reality shows and we have way too many shows about survival and all of that, the only difference is that people aren't dying there (but you know what, there have been death cases in some! They cancelled one season or Survivor in my country years ago because someone died) so really, the line here is thin. And if it's not really about the games really happening, then there's the political situation. That's even more likely to happen one day. These thoughts have always been holding me from truly getting in this fandom.

And now revisiting it when I'm much older, I see other sides of it. And I think I dislike some things even more but at the same time... I can't help but find some understanding of the Capitol citizens. And no, has nothing to do with TBOSAS and young Snow. If anything, this scares me even more because what do we see there? A character we already know and despise that suddenly people start liking him because he looks good (no judgement here. I admit he looks good. I just can't simp), and people finding the games boring in the book/movie itself and then also people seeing the movie complaining about the same part with the games because it wasn't as interesting as the ones in the OG trilogy? The Capitol is basically the same as almost every one of us.

And let's face it - we see the Capitol and its citizens as bad because we get to see it in the OG trilogy through Katniss's eyes, a girl which was brought up in poverty and knows what real hunger and dealing with this life is but this is almost like comparing a third world country to... Almost every other country. Because the Capitol is loud, it's obsessed with crazy things, shows, fashion trends, etc but this is not too far from our own lives. And we as an audience are shocked by them just because we see them compared to the Districts and their life but in fact, we're living in a world which is so much closer to the Capitol than it is to any of the districts. And it's the same thing happening with Snow. He's charming and uses it to his advantage, and is played by a good-looking actor and people like him just the way people like Snow in TBOSAS.

And another thing I've already seen people commenting on but I still wanna add is that we have these movies which I believe are good adaptations but most of the characters are played by older actors. Like, go look at some actual teenagers and imagine them in these scenes where children are killing and dying... (When's the last time y'all saw a 14yo? Imagine this being an actual victor of these games...)

So yeah, these things really make me think how it's a brilliant story but the concepts we see there are so messed... (And a good proof is how I have way too many thoughts of the games and their making and wanna know more despite how wrong they are...)

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I was wondering if you have followed the story of Chappell Roan addressing fan behaviour?

https://people.com/chappell-roan-addresses-fans-predatory-behavior-in-lengthy-note-8700923

I have been following - and I love so much that she's both drawing boundaries and talking about it.

As I've said before, I think the fact that the pop stars breaking through this year are 26 rather than 16 is pretty significant - and the ability and willingness to draw this sort of boundaries is part of it. I remember reading a profile of Shawn Mendes when he was younger where he had three rules - and the one I can remember was that he would never refuse a fan a signature or a picture. I found that rule terrifying then. The idea that you can or should keep every single fan happy in a personal interaction is such a burden - one that people can't really bear. I think it's fantastic that artists are prepared to very publicly not do that.

It has been terrifying to see some people not getting it some of the responses have shown exactly why what she's saying is important. I feel like as she's held firm, more people have acknowledged her points (although the exact dynamic is hard to tell, because it is so hard to )

There is actually one thing that she said in both her Tik Tok videos and instagram statements that I disagreed with. And I've been thinking about a little bit - to figure out if I'm comfortable with where I'm sitting (that's why I haven't reblogged any of the material).

In her instagram she said 'please stop assuming things about me.'In her video when asking people about a random lady: 'would you assume she's a good person, would you assume she's a bad person, would you assume everything you read online was true.'

And in my head I answered 'oh yeah I make assumptions about random ladies all the time.'

Recently in the space of about ten minutes, two different friends told me personal gossip about two different people who had been involved in making my friend redundant at her work. I immediately passed on both of those pieces of gossip on to her, with my own embelishments, assumptions and implications.

While I think that an important part of acknowledging people's humanity and being able to navigate relationships is moving away from black and white thinking. I also think making judgements and assumptions is a key part of humanity and we cannot and should not give it up.I do think both those people are bad people, because they made my friend redundant (and any inclinations towards generosity I find it pretty easy to smother with the fact that they chose to take roles where they had the power to get rid of other people's jobs).

I find it terrifying that I don't know and can't control what people think about me and the stories people are telling - and I really am just a random lady. I'm sure it's exponentially more terrifying being Chappell Roan. But I also think it's true that what people think of us isn't actually our business - whereas the way people treat us is.

It's not surprising that that line is blurred for Chappell Roan at the moment. She has a lot of people violating her boundaries in all sorts of ways and people making their assumptions about her and then making those assumptions her problem. And I think her publicly communicating her boundaries and standing by them is an important cultural intervention.

[rawliverandgoronspice]

The more time goes on, the more I think we (= westerners, especially white westerners) are just so fucking bad at guilt. I feel like guilt is among the most pernicious and dangerous emotions out there --not because guilt is literally deadly in isolation, it is an excruciating emotion but it will not kill you in itself, but because we have been trained to associate guilt with worthlessness (I partially blame christian values, the idea of impurity and sin --not to downplay, of course, the danger of a community judging you or being expelled from that community on the basis of being considered a danger to its other members due to the thing you've done that has been generating this guilt), and so we must, absolutely must, protect ourselves from simply feeling that guilt and processing its cold indifference washing over us, and we must do so through any means necessary. This can involve defensiveness, denial or reject of that guilt altogether so we are mentally protected from having to reevaluate ourselves and our place in the world, or can involve wallowing in and using it to self-harm --focusing on the pain and on self-hate rather than on what the guilt is telling us about ourselves and our heritage; blinding ourselves to it still in a twisted way.

I think it's also complicated to know how to manage guilt in a world where we're generally (as a whole) deeply powerless. It feels unfair to be called out about not doing enough when you know that pulling even mediocre heroics on your own will most definitively do almost nothing, hurt you, and be buried in a way that might be extremely unhelpul --not to mention, that it would actually hurt you in a very real and final way and lead to entirely thankless results, even if it was the morally correct thing to do. I do not want to pretend that it's not, very often, the results that awaits even serious and well-practiced activism --or even mild activism, major shoutout to everybody who got maimed or arrested or even killed on zero basis simply because they happened to be at or even near a protest, when they were not brutally attacked for no reason even outside of activism because an officer was racist or sexist or queerphobic or simply bored that day. There are genuinely good reasons to be scared.

So we feel guilt because of this fear, because of our isolation from any serious movement and the fact that we privilege our comfort over letting action taking over whatever else we have going on, and because fear and comfort knowingly keep us into inaction --or action that doesn't feel like enough, or that we feel doesn't achieve much of anything (which I think is never true: even giving someone a glimpse of hope for a second because we made an effort towards them is always always worth it in my opinion, it's not nothing and it's not a cop-out --of course it's not enough and we collectively need to find ways to do more, but it's not nothing and it should never discourage people from taking action --but I digress). But I think we start making a mistake when we point at this very real powerlessness as a shield from the guilt. Both can coexist. Both have to coexist. It isn't fair that some people are being forced to be courageous when we can afford to remain cowards. It is not even a moral judgement that condemn our souls forever, weakness is human and lack of individual reach against an overwhelmingly powerful and removed system even more so; it is a simple fact that we *have* to acknowledge if we want to take a clear look at the actual situation instead of camouflaging it behind self-justifying walls to give ourselves temporarily relief from that awful feeling. And I'm not saying it's not a constant effort, to keep those instincts of self-preservation at bay, or that some people don't have really good reasons that they cannot act more than through social media or miniscule donations or by talking about it around them, or being powerless to even do that without putting themselves into real and concrete danger --or that letting guilt in will be pleasant or even healing. It won't be. But it's also not the point.

Yeah, I get that it's hard to truly reckon with the fact that almost everything that made us (= westerners, especially white ones) is soaked with blood, imperialism, white supremacy, sexism, queerphobia, and a whole sweve of truly rancid ideologies that we cannot afford to passively accept as our lot. We were not given a choice in that legacy, and we don't have a ton of leverage over reorienting our haunted civilizations into something that isn't a horrible nightmare; but it is a fight that is happening right the fuck now.

I genuinely think guilt is a feeling we are not taught to handle in a healthy way; and because we have essentialist, pseudo-religious and punitive justice concepts terminally untangled with that feeling, guilt governs our politics and our private lives in the most rabid and unchecked way imaginable. But guilt will not kill us, unless we allow it to, and it will help literally nobody if it does. Guilt isn't evil in its soul-crushing pain as much as it is informative. Guilt is unbearable, unfliching clarity. But fever boils us alive because there is an infection that needs to be destroyed.

[ifacotarwasgood]

why was chapter 4 of acotar bad? some short craft lessons

CH 4

DISCLAIMER: not an exhaustive list, etc etc

click here for the full comparison between the original chapter and my revision.

all caps dialogue = amateur hour

tamlin has never felt less threatening than when he bellows, "MURDERERS!" if you ever feel the impulse to all-caps your dialogue (especially when its already tagged with an appropriate descriptor, e.g., "bellow," and italicized), don't. it's distracting and never gives what you think it's giving.

inconsequential micro action = bad pacing

a scene doesn't have to be a catalogue of every action. if I made note of every time one of sjm's characters looked at another character, or took a step, or otherwise moved in a way that had no bearing on the scene on either a physical or emotional level—we'd be here all day.

99% of the time, describing where your character is looking is a waste of words. the human brain can't imagine fine detail very well, so visualizing where a character's gaze is directed can be hard, especially as it changes over the course of a scene. it's also usually unnecessary: if two characters are talking, we can assume they're looking at each other in various ways.

it also isn't dramatic action. 'dramatic' in the literary sense, rather than the theatrical: it doesn't do anything. it doesn't increase tension. unless it's extremely well-placed, it doesn't underline the emotion of a scene in any significant way. all it does is become gristle that the reader has to chew through to get to the meat of the scene.

passive protagonist = deflated stakes

this was the chapter that originally convinced me to do a rewrite. it's such a textbook missed opportunity, I can't believe sjm's agent or editor didn't ask her to change it (it's totally possible that they did, and sjm chose not to).

it's sjm's first real opportunity to show us feyre's character: she's gotten herself into a situation that feels impossible to escape. she's killed a faerie, a crime punishable by death, and we feel the jaws closing in.

but instead of outsmarting or outrunning it, feyre doesn't have to do anything. tamlin (for reasons I guess make sense later? but are ultimately unsatisfying) rescues her from a situation that he put her in by suggesting she come live in prythian. we're told that feyre is good at surviving, but we don't get to see her put that skill to use. we're not shown her thinking on her feet; we're shown her saying 'yes' to a false choice.

tamlin handing feyre a way out makes no sense on a narrative or character level. it also undermines the apparent danger for the rest of the book. tamlin represents how dangerous faeries are: he's literally about to kill her to avenge one of his own. but then he decides not to—not because of her quick-thinking, but just because.

it seems like a small moment, but moving forward, it's hard to take any of the faeries as legitimate threats. not just because we've seen our first example completely undermined, but because it happened seemingly for no reason.

feyre hates her family = unbelievable motivation

purely on a character level, I find feyre's resentment of her family annoying. but who cares? one person's subjective judgement doesn't have any bearing over what should be done at a narrative level.

the problem is that feyre's primary motivation is keeping her family alive. once she's in prythian, all she wants is to return home so she can make sure they're taken care of. but that's hard to believe when we're constantly shown how little she actually cares for them.

time and time again, we're shown her resentment—her sisters are entitled, her father is useless—and yet we're supposed to believe that all she wants is for them to be safe.

in this chapter, sjm doesn't even give her a goodbye with each of her family members. she just has papa archeron tell her:

"You were always too good for here, Feyre. Too good for us, too good for everyone."

???

even a single moment of connection between her and her family would make her motivation feel more real, which would, in turn, propel the plot. it's a massive missed opportunity not to see her saying goodbye to each of her family members.

so that's why I included an extended goodbye in my rewrite. even a small moment of tenderness between each of them helps me understand and believe feyre's motivation as we move into the next sequence.

[dear-mrs-otome]

(Oh god Alfonse with the mysterious second man... or that event where Jude has to step in to prevent Roger from... yeah) This isn't a yuck anyone's yum thing, I just want it to be called what it is is all. For, y'know, safety and comfort reasons so people know what they're getting into. Especially when MC says "no" several times before finally giving in because the suitor (coughElliscough) refuses to stop. It really scares me that some readers think that counts as consent. It's cool if that's your kink but like... remember to have a safe word and talk that sort of thing through with a partner before trying it in real life, folks

I agree in that I don't want this to be a yuck someone's yum. What does it for one person won't for another and that's absolutely okay. I'm also a firm believer that cybird has the right to make whatever style of game they want...and to be fair, there are certainly characters in the game who don't seem to fall into this camp.

My concerns are twofold: the first mainly lies in making sure that people are able to know in advance what a route may contain in a narrative genre where people often identify so personally with the protagonist. I think that cybird has begun that endeavor with some of their content warnings in English... but on occasions it falls woefully short, so I am always glad for fans making others aware - with the caveat that what sets one person off will absolutely not always set another. I think it's most useful not for people to say 'SUCH AND SUCH CHARACTER IS AWFUL BECAUSE THEY DO X' and turn things into judgement than it is to clearly delineate what happens and let people decide for themselves if that is beyond the pale - for them - or not.

Secondly, my concern lies in the industry as a whole forever conflating 'dark' with SA. That the easiest way to mark a character as a Bad Boy is to have him assault the MC. That I feel is a shortcoming on writers and frankly a bit lazy (although there's an entire thing to be written somewhere, certainly by people far smarter than me, about conflating rape/assault fantasies with a culture where women/othered feel less free to express their own sexual desire BUT I DIGRESS) I do give Ikevil props for allowing their suitors to do other equally shocking things though, and allowing them other means of expressing their 'villainy'. At the end of the day I suppose we do have to remember that the game isn't called 'Ikemen Heroes' and so the warning is somewhat right on the label. 😂

I think conversations like this are important though too. I'm less worried about people perceiving something as consent or applicable to real life, because I do believe that almost everyone is able to draw a clear line between fantasy and reality, but I also think that makes it even more important to have discussions outside of that media where we pick it apart (lovingly) so that we can reinforce that boundary. Variety is not only the spice of life but it also gives us more context with which to frame our own patterns of thought.

Whew I really didn't mean for that to turn into a whole Thing, but thank you for the ask Nonny 🥰 I hope we're all looking forward to a (well-warned) launch of a fun new game!

[phdmama]

Do you have any advice about discussing kink shaming with people? My younger sister (she's 18, I'm f, 23) keeps bringing up how weird she thinks it is that people have like CNC or bdsm kinks. And even the old, 'some people use kink to work through trauma' doesn't work, so me trying to explain that people just like what they like, no need for justification gets nowhere.

She's gay, I'm bi so maybe she just doesn't get why people would find men, especially when acting like that, attractive? Idk it's so hard, because I'm into BDSM and ik she doesn't mean it but it's like a slap in the face every time and I have to work through the shame over again.

(idk I feel like I've taken the mama part of your bio too seriously lol, so if you don't wanna answer I completely understand)

Hey pal! I don't know if I've got anything helpful to say, but I'll give it a try!

I guess a question I have is... why does she care so much?

I'm with you, in that I think people just dig what they dig, and maybe for some folks it's about working through trauma? But also I'm guessing for lots of folks, it's not that at all! And honestly, if it's not pertaining to my own personal sex life, what people choose to do and how they choose to do it is literally none of my business.

I do remember having that process when I was young - coming to understand that just because I personally don't like something 1) doesn't have bearing on whether other people do like it, and 2) doesn't mean it's wrong or bad.

This is where squick is such a good word, you know? Because (to me anyway) squick is about - I am really uncomfortable with this thing, but I get that this is about ME, and it's emphatically not a judgement on what other people like.

People like all sorts of stuff I don't like. Olives. Pecan Pie. The world is full of beautiful diversity (especially with regards to getting off!!) and as long as folks are safe, sane and consensual, beyond that, it's literally not her business.

So, I hope you can hear me that at least from where I'm sitting, there's literally nothing to be ashamed about for liking what you like, whether it's olives or BDSM. None of these are *moral* choices, you know?

I know also, that people have all sorts of opinions about things that have literally nothing to do with them, and they're allowed to have them (as I like to think in the privacy of my head, people are entitled to their TERRIBLE WRONG OPINIONS).

So, it seems to me there are a couple of ways you might go forward, depending on what you're comfortable sharing and what your relationship with your sister is like.

You could ask her - "it seems like this is something you really care a lot about - what's that about?" [I have enough psychodynamic training to wonder if she's actually really interested it and struggling to work that out against our cultural training about this stuff.] "You seem really invested in other people's sex lives - are you okay? What's going on?"

You could just sort of tune her out and be the indifferent voice of reason. "Huh, that's an opinion, I guess." Grey rock her a bit, if that makes sense. Refuse to engage. "Other people's sex lives just aren't that interesting to me." (Not to shame her, but just to make it clear, this isn't a topic you're interested in talking to her about.)

Maybe she's picking up on the fact that it's getting to you, and maybe that's the game? To get you riled up (even if she's not intentionally trying to hurt you)? Who knows!

Anyway - I don't know if this was at all useful - I'm happy to talk more if it would be helpful!

[lastoneout]

rambling about the elden ring dlc don't mind me

Anyway I finally beat the DLC and I gotta say it is pretty interesting to see the typical script flipped re: Miquella. Like I think a lot of people, myself included(and especially those os us who weren't as focused on the lore), fell back on stereotypes(intentional or not) where he's the assumed victim because he's allegedly kind and small and effeminate and white and ofc he was kidnapped by the big scary evil dark guy with an accent but then you find out no, no no no the sweet weak blonde guy is insane actually and brainwashed the big tall scary guy and killed a bunch of innocent people and then did weird incest necromancy that puts whatever the Greek gods had going on to shame and it's like oh yeah right sterotypes are bad and small and effeminate doesn't mean the person is a weak victim and big dark and scary doesn't mean he's the kidnapping abuser.

Like idk I feel bad that I assumed because I usually try not to fall back on stuff like that, but this is why it's important to combat these assumptions, it's so ingrained you don't even realize you're making them until they're turned on their head. I think it's really cool of FromSoft to take that angle here and play with our expectations of who's the victim and who isn't(which like tbh all the major god-adjacent characters in Elden Ring fucking suck in one way or another and it was pretty clear early on in the DLC that Miquella was up to some Shady Shit, but still) that's the kind of subversion I really enjoy. One you don't see coming not because it's a random twist just for shock value, but because you didn't even realize the internalized expectations society has instilled in you were influencing your judgement.

Like everyone in this story is a victim of the powers that be ofc, I think the DLC does a good job of showing you that godhood comes with sacrifice of both your own body and soul but also your moral convictions and loved ones and sympathy. They set that up already with Ranni's questline, she has to give up her entire body and most of her dear companions just to free herself from the influence of the Fingers, but the DLC drives it all home. The Fingers really are demanding so much of Marika and her kin that they're hardly even people anymore. Just vessels of divine power.

Anyway I still have a lot of DLC side stuff to do but yeah, it's a really well written story that adds so much to the existing lore and Miquella is such an interesting character, I'm always a sucker for characters that are so dedicated to peace they're willing to strip all the world of free will in order achieve it. Can't wait to read all the lore stuff I missed and see how deep this goes!

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

I know you make it a point to not get involved in fandom (esp. on this site) because it's not worth the inevitable drama but I just need to vent a little.

Yes. Tumblr is "the queer site" or whatever. Okay fine. I believe everyone should be free to enjoy their content however they want its whatever that's what tags are for etc etc. But within the only fandom i even sort of interact with here there's been a recent uptick in the bullying of people who don't push certain messages, politicks, or HC/Ships. So some of us thought we'd make things easier and try to make things calmer in the tags by making a discord dedicated to actual factual tolerance where everyone who wanted to join in could openly discuss what they do/don't like no judgement no strings no doxxing and no requirements for everyone to agree just freedom to have whatever opinions even those that don't necessarily match the majority. Yknow, so I don't have to be dogpiled for not liking the ultra popular coffeeshop au fic series or Adam B Example isn't getting crucified for not enjoying whatever ship.

But no. No this cannot be allowed. Clearly everyone in this server is a raging ist-o-phobic slur-slinging terrible-no-good-very-bad villain with a capital Evil. Look we have redacted (and faked, but how do you prove that) screenshots of them being vile nazis in their semi-private server! More cropped proof seen here where they got annoyed after my friends and i decided to brigade and troll their introductory room by spamming it with graphic imagery and childish namecalling! They banned the smurf accounts we made to do this with too see how hateful!

Sorry i know it's not your drama I just.

Ugh. Is it really that impossible for people to leave others alone? We're literally trying to give them all they space they want, none of us care or hate that the popular ship is popular or whatever their personal HC is abt X characters's sex life or any of that we just wanted to be able to freely chat about the franchise we love. And tired of being browbeaten and wanted to maybe make our own little space to do that.

Also wish these people could understand it is perfectly possible to be lgb et al and not like the current things '~Pride(tm)~' has going on these days. I know that's part of it. But demanding political conformity from people who just want to enjoy their hobby in peace is so so stupid but i can't articulate it in any way that people will listen.

If you don't mind, I would like to know what this fandom is so I don't accidentally become adjacent to it at any point.

But you're right to be upset by all this. These people have no lives and are bitter and hateful. I hope you don't let it ruin your enjoyment of The Thing or drive you and your friends to be silent about it. The only way to even begin taking fandom back is by ignoring this kind of shit and pushing through. I'm sorry you have to deal with immature little nothings who can't handle people enjoying fiction in ways they don't approve of.

[chaotictarlos]

i'm ngl, seeing the articles about how we're getting iris interrogating tk, and tk choosing not to say anything bc he "didn't want to piss carlos off" genuinely makes me want to throw up. why is this happening. i hate it so much. the fact that carlos might be prioritizing iris's 'choice' in signing and when to sign the papers (for lack of a better word), over his own fiancé???? to whom he's getting married to in 8 weeks??? how am i supposed to be rooting for them?????

carlos lied to tk to his face for YEARS, and i don't even get to see tk being rightfully upset about it?? (ik it might tie into his character development and all that but at this point, that is the least of my concern). character arc is tk talking this through with carlos and saying, "you fucked up. although your intention was pure, and your heart was in the right place, but this is a lot to take in. we were together for years, and all this time i didn't know such a big part of your life, one that your parents knew. do you know how humiliating that is? i need some time and space to process this – this is not me running away. i love you, and i am committed to this, and i know you are too. this is me telling you that this news WILL affect our lives moving forward, and i need some time and space to think about where we go from here, and how that will affect my perspective, and (if i'm being spiteful in this) my trust in you."

i am not blaming carlos in getting married to iris back then. i understand his reasons, and i sympathise with him, and it fucking sucks that he had to go through that. but what i cannot accept is him lying to tk for years, and it truly sucks that this changes how i view their scenes from s1-s3, when i've come to cherish them so much.

i know it's too early to be making this judgement, and this might be a 4-episode arc still waiting to be unfold, but from the interviews i've seen, and literally That Scene, i'm not looking forward to the wedding at all. it's crazy to think that i just typed out that sentence, when i've been so looking forward to their wedding arc at this time last year.

sorry for the long post, it really grew out of hand as i was typing 😅 thank you for giving us this space to rant. and kudos for reading this all the way till the end.

finally someone who gets what i've been saying.

fully understand why he got married to Iris, it makes sense given his character and what we know about him as the person. but the lying is so bothersome.

and then finding out that Iris - who I love by the way, glad she's back - is going to basically interrogate TK and "poke at him" just, does not sit well. i'm hoping the episode isn't as bad as the article makes it out to be.

i also have a hard time wrapping my head around Carlos not wanting to push Iris to sign the papers, like, he's getting married and wants to. once he knows that she has health care, it shouldn't be hard to do. but it's probably going to be a lot for Carlos to handle because being married to someone - even for insurance reasons - and that someone being your best friend has to be mentally taxing.

does not make it better that he's putting tk last in the situation.

i hope we get to see more of tk's reaction and how he feels about the whole thing throughout the next couple of episodes.

[polychaeteworm]

I love that when people stare at me judgingly in public I both don't fucking notice and my partner stares at them back like an attack dog service animal.

There's so many reasons they could be staring at me that I just can't bother. The usual reason though is that I have a stereotypically "forbidden" gender presentation and people are genuinely just upset about the knee jerk "that's a man/woman" judgement not working on me.

I have boobs, don't bind, have majestic long hair, strong arms, wide hips, a well trimmed beard, and a voice that comes out butch when I'm talking to my partner and femme when I politely pitch it up for the cashier or get excited. I also walk with a cane covered in moons and stars so there's that to stare at too.

In my life with being Transgender and a Two Spirit, I have finished my transition, I'm still on on T, but as far as I'm concerned my needed changes have been achieved. Goal met. Dysphoria mostly vanquished.

People are always so passively mean to me off of just seeing me I can't just keep taking it personally because a lot of times it isn't personal at all. Maybe this person is having a bad day, maybe that's a non hostile confused face, maybe they want me dead? Who knows I'm Autistic and it's not worth it to think about it too hard. Assuming better of my oppressors and only shaming them when they directly fall short of being decent is how I keep my power. Micro aggression? Sorry Im not paying attention to you doing that. I've learned that the further from the binary I drift, the more people will be upset and if I bend to that then I forsake who I actually am.

I'm just happy that I'm at peace with my body. I can't control what people see, and what they see has no bearing on my identity really unless I give them that power. I don't worry about how people look at me anymore. If they make my body a problem that's on them. I am a rock in a stream.

I think the most detrimental effect on my self image came not from the usual suspects but from members of the trans community. I got to feel the effects of binarist ideals before "transmed" was a word in use. Struggling with this is unfortunately what defined my transition because it created my social dysphoria.

I was told so repeatedly that the visible presence of my boobs made me not trans enough to the point where I struggled through my life wearing a binder that deep down I had no desire to wear. It was like another kind of bra.

Both bras and binders are sensory nightmares for me. I didn't even have a desire to erase my tits, I only had the desire to be accepted as "really not a woman" or as anything other than "cis girl playing around" I had more voice dysphoria than anything else and a lot of people in the community treated chest dysphoria as THE prerequisite to being trans masc.

Like seriously, I needed the non-op support earlier... way way earlier. It only took so long to figure myself out because of the way that trans meds treat the ones who are comfortable presenting a hodge podge of gender. That people like me are "asking for too much" and treating gender "like a costume".

Trans meds misled me and I'll never forget the way that non op trans mascs who don't bind were and still are treated by our own community. I'm here, I'm alive and you cannot stop me from breasting boobily with my beard as trans masc person.

[manycrows]

Id love to hear the whole rant

(Asked in regards to my tags on this post)

This lil tirade is mostly inspired by my (White™) high school Japanese teacher, who I have a lot to say about, especially as a mixed race individual (part Japanese, part Minnesota White™). During one lesson about the history of Kyoto (iirc) he mentioned a red light district, because he was that sort of teacher, and mentioned that there were child sex workers, and that We Shouldn’t Judge Them For It Because It’s A Different Culture.

First off, this made me want to jump out of my seat and bite out his jugular, which I didn’t do, because I was a coward and a teenager and also because that’s not allowed usually. On further introspection, I realized that this impulse was likely because of the way that this statement treated the class— the assumption here was that the students in this classroom were cultural outsiders, and ignored the fact that many of the students there were mixed-race kids trying to reconnect with their heritage. Posts like this ring the same alarm bells because of the initial assumption that East Asian people are Others, and obviously Aren’t Gonna See This Post on our Normal Western Social Media.

Secondly, the whole concept of “cultural judgement” is a tricky subject, and I know for a fact that I don’t have a 100% correct vocabulary to work around it, and by the time anyone is reading this, I have reworked this post One Billion times to try and make it concise, so I hope it still makes sense.

The concept of what a "cultural outsider" is and is not allowed to judge is a strange line, and one I rarely see acknowledged by said outsiders (often white) unless there is Something Morally Icky involved. Another example from my old JP classes was that this same teacher would sometimes use natto as punishment for the losing team of a vocab game. Natto is often considered gross by anyone who didn't grow up eating it, and yeah, a lot of kids gagged and ran to the bathroom, and the lesson implied here is that Japanese people are kinda weird and eat strange and gross and exotic food. A judgement was passed. How come the issue of child sex labor was afforded the "no judgement allowed" sticker, while natto, a food that as far as I understand, is about as gross as some cheeses might be to the unfamiliar, is allowed to be the butt of a joke?

As far as I can tell, this is because being a cultural outsider gives one a snug little viewpoint from which they can perceive something new. This isn't necessarily a bad thing! How else can we learn about other people? But there is a difference between observation and fetishization. Fetishization occurs when the outsider observer allows themselves to put the "not my culture, I can't judge" sticker on the Morally Icky parts of something, which allows them to consider themselves distanced from the thing they are witnessing. And yet, for the most part, these people are allowing themselves to enjoy the positive parts of these same things.

I don't want to make this post longer, since it's already too much for my shitass swiss cheese memory to check for coherency, but there's so much here that I am mad about, and my rant here barely scratches the surface. It's not about the assumption that East Asians don't understand "moral purity" or "general ethics" (depending on who you talk to), or the implicit assumption that many of these artists are going to be unleashing hordes of Problematic Media on tumblr, or even the purity discourse itself. I just kind of wish that people treated other cultures (especially East Asian ones, because of the goddamn anime/k-pop-ification of an entire chunk of the globe) with respect, and that means applying concepts of morality and judgement the was that we do to our own cultures. If you don't like the food I like, that's fine, no matter which culture you're from and no matter what food it is. If you condone pedophilia? I'm allowed to apply judgement regardless of culture, and show you the goddamn door.

[thegrimmmystic]

Encountering The Shadow

In Carl Jung's "The Red Book" he described that one could encounter their Shadow, in a TRULY physical manifestation. Well, after a few rounds of The Alchemical Process, I can testify on Jungs behalf for this to be true. There seems to be a link of some sort between all of the synchronicities throughout the day, and them stemming from both our 'Highest Self' and from our 'Shadow'. It seems that The Shadow is very aware of the work being done with the Alchemical Process and in turn will turn to attempts of manipulation through our deepest fears as a last ditch effort to dissuade you from following through on the creating the desired product of your Alchemy. It still amazes me how these synchronicities work but the more I look into it, the more things become clear as to what's going on. Your Highest Self seems to hold control during the day, The Shadow at night, and Dawn/Dusk are the times they both have the ability to control the synchronicities, though it seems that is entirely based around where your current vibrations stand and the frequency they're emitting. I've also learned that, in most cases, your Shadow truly does want what's best for you as well, and that it's only upon believing there's an attempt at snuffing out its existence that it reduces to psychological warfare on you. It doesn't intend to harm you. These dominating, manipulative, toxic approaches are simply the defense mechanisms it's been taught to equip as a form of survival. We MUST remember that our Shadow was our protector of our self from this world and all the negative experiences that came with it prior to 'awakening'.

Having recognized these patterns and how it works, I've begun to try a different approach. One that more NEGOTIATES with the Shadow opposed to threatening. Instead of attempting to rid myself of my Shadow, I've chosen to give it 'its own room' where it's free to express itself however it may wish, free from any and all judgement. I've taken control of the self while making my stance VERY clear with the Shadow. I've noticed the Shadow doesn't really like this new arrangement, as it's still attempting to dominate the mind with fear tactics, looking for a weak enough moment of self-doubt for it to take back the seat of control. But, I truly do think this is only because it's not used to me being able to see it as clearly as I do now. It's used to being able to steal back control with its war tactics and mind games, but is reluctantly beginning to accept the terms I've laid out. I'm no longer putting down my Shadow as something 'bad', and instead am understanding it, why it is the way it is, and why it works the way it does. The answer isn't complex. This World has dealt so much damage and trauma, that the Shadow HAD to learn to fight the way it does to maintain survival. Which is heartbreaking on its own, but when you take in the whole picture, it shows the genius that can truly be found within the Shadow, and IN TURN, the genius that can be used towards your developments progression.

So the terms laid out are that it may have it's platform. It's free to express itself in all of its misunderstood beauty in all the ways it wishes, so long as it brings no harm to the wholeness of the self. I'll ensure I give it it's time. But that when we are no longer with "it's room" that IM the one who maintains control over the 'rest of the house'. Well, outside of 'the highest selfs' room as well. With them I hold the same arrangement.

I'm very interested to see how this round of Alchemical work plays out and I'll be sure to log the changes I notice and the progress made from it all.

Until then, Blessed Be

🤍🕯👁🖤

[violetsfortwo]

I'm so frustrated, hurt and angry. I feel unheard, unseen and unimportant. We have company coming this weekend and I'm trying to clean and straighten up the house, but my husband ridicules me and tells me I'm being ridiculous. He says our friends don't care what our house looks like and to stop cleaning. Our house isn't bad, but it's cluttered and to be honest I gave up trying to decorate long ago because he simply makes it impossible. A little backstory... I grew up with hoarders. As a child I could never have friends over. My parents wouldn't allow it and I'd be too embarrassed anyway. I can remember dreaming of the day that I would have my own home and how beautifully decorated and clean it would be. I dreamed of having my friends and my children's friends over anytime we wanted. My first husband couldn't keep a job and was an alcoholic, which meant we were constantly moving, always rented and were always broke. The few times I felt comfortable enough to decorate or make a place into the home I dreamed of, he would stop me saying "we're not fixing up someone else's place" "we're not staying here long so don't get comfortable" or "we don't have the money for that." After my divorce, I was so broke that I couldn't afford anything so I rented for a couple of years and did the best I could. I married my second husband 11yrs ago and moved into his home. He is sentimental, practical and I'm guessing color blind. His house was a hodgepodge of ugly decor left over from a previous marriage and items he inherited from his mother. He can't let go of anything that his mother used as decor or things from his childhood. We have piles of things everywhere with cobwebs on them. He also gets a kick out of weird novelty crap like stuffed animals, dog toys, ugly figurines, etc and has to have them all over the house. We burn wood for heat in the winter and next to the wood stove looks like a recycling center with all of the crap he collects all year long to start fires. Every time I try to make a room look nice he'll question what was wrong with it in the first place. As long as it has the basics he thinks it's fine. It doesn't matter if it matches, if there are cobwebs, if there are piles of dog hair, or if there are piles of clutter everywhere. "It's fine." "We have pets" "you're the only person who even notices it doesn't match." "Just leave that stuff out, we're going to use it again anyway." Whenever we are having company I desperately try to make it the place I've dreamed of, but he gets after me saying "no one cares about that stuff, so stop it." Meanwhile I am having a complete internal meltdown. I care. Isn't that enough? I have lived my entire life in clutter with no say in what it looks like, fearing judgement and the embarrassment that comes with it. The end result ...I give up - defeated and depressed. I don't enjoy myself when people come over because I see them looking at the cobwebs, trying to get the dog hair off their clothes or have caught them cleaning counters or floors. I love my husband, but clearly he doesn't understand the trauma of growing up the way I did. Him belittling my anxiety and ridiculing me drives me into a deep depression and this time it hurts so much that I don't know if I can climb out of this. I know there isn't a solution, which makes it that much worse.

[avenger-hawk]

I don’t understand the whole “I believe in you!“ bullshit in shounen. What exactly do they believe in? I understand believing that a person is trying their best or that they would never lie to you and so on. But in shounen it’s always about “believing that somebody is going to win!”. Which. What? Do they believe that this person is strong? Strong people lose, too. There are so many factors in a fight that even a rookie with a kitchen knife could kill an Iai Master. Hell, that Iai Master could(1)

just fall down and brain himself, no rookie needed. Do they believe that they’re determined? Determined people lose, too. Actually they lose all the time. Generally speaking in a fight most people are at least determined to survive, soo…. What the hell do they believe in? Believing in the fact that the enemy is a softie that doesn’t kill people makes more sense at this point. (2) 

Shounen are too simplistic, yes, but if you take fiction at face value you’ll fail to see the big picture and the underlying motives behind it. Not to mention you’ll miss the whole point of fiction.

(rants below the cut. some anti-ending mentions)

It’s a dangerous thing, to apply real life standards to fiction, because despite some may see it as some sort of modern critical thinking, it’s actually an aspect of the opposite, since critical thinking means being able to separate fiction from reality, and find out what kind of standards can be applied to it instead. Besides they’re different, they’re like parallel worlds where some things are the same, but not others.

Real fights are real, there are a lot of variables, you’re right about that. Fiction is fiction though, it doesn’t have to be realistic, it just has to be plausible, enjoyable, well written, capable of stirring interest and emotions.  

Speaking of Iai, in manga it’s extremely exaggerated, almost turned into a superhero-like thing, just like every martial art, every sport, every single thing the manga is about. Manga is about making things sensational and cool. Competitions are super long in manga, in real life they’re short, especially martial arts, shouldn’t this be respected as well, according to your assumption? But then wouldn’t the scene be not as interesting?

Shouen aren’t realistic, shoujo and seinen and other genres aren’t realistic either, but maybe since they don’t have the whole determination/teamwork thing you might like them better. Personally I find shoujo cheesy and seinen cynical and drawn with a style I dislike, so despite I find shounen predictable and simplistic mostly, I still like them better.  

Shounen follow certain narratives and tropes. Teamwork, bonds, friendship, hard work are always important (even though the main character eventually gets a ton of power ups because he’s the chosen one). Another basic characteristic of shounen is the main character’s determination, believing in one’s own “ninja way” (or whatever other manga call it). Sometimes the battle is literally between opponents’ determination, take Naruto and Sasuke, even though Sasuke’s ideals were much more developed, just like his solution to make a better world, he was in the wrong side so Naruto won, even though he had no real plan on how to change things. This makes me furious, just like a lot of other things about  the manga, but when it’s Naruto against a random villain I don’t care if it’s illogical or if the villain is stronger, because I know that in shounen determination and bonds always win, simply put. 

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, if well written, or just if it happens after an interesting arc, with developed characters, because unrealistic fight aside, besides fans who are only into fights and powers, most readers are interested in a good plotline overall with memorable moments and interactions, so they’re more likely to suspend their disbelief. Also, fights often show the power of friendship and the characters’ determination, and they are a pretext for interesting interactions between characters.

For example, I liked the manga/anime Gensoumaden Saiyuki where fights were meh, even the plotline was nothing much, but the whole focus was on characters, their interactions and their bond. I hated the Kaguya arc, both because Madara was much better than her as a villain and because it was dumb how invincible she was at first, compared to how she was defeated with that one move by the reunited Team7. But the interactions between Sasuke and N*ruto were interesting, just like Obito and Kakashi’s. I liked how Kakashi was willing to die to shield Sasuke, I was moved by Obito’s death, I also found funny that Naruto used Reverse Harem Jutsu despite it obviously woudn’t have worked. But it wasn’t just for the laughs. It was also a pretext to show N*ruto and Sasuke’s teamwork; it was a pretext to show that Sasuke was willing to go on with N*ruto’s plan even though he had a plan on his own, for example. It highlighted Sasuke’s adaptability, whether kishi did it on purpose or not. 

I HATE kishi for what he did with the ending, so defending him is the last thing I would do. But as much as I hate the ending and I hate its many inconsistencies and plotholes and no solving of the system’s flaws, those you mentioned aren’t what angered me. (I have a whole anti-ending tag and I don’t want to repeat this tho)

There is also a cultural reason. Different cultures prefer different tropes. American fictions are often about “self-made men” who start with nothing and achieve success through hard work, or action heroes/heroines who save the world by themselves, which shows the country’s individualistic mentality. In my country stories are often about charming/funny scoundrels who end up helping those in need while outsmarting/defeating the law, which shows an admiration for cunning instead of hard work, and a mistrust of authorities. Shounen, a part of Japanese culture, value hard work, the importance of teamwork and determination to do one’s best to protect the group, because they’re a collective based culture. Also, in my opinion, shounen in particular also serve a purpose, a sort of propaganda to suggest kids how to behave in society, like, work hard, group first, little individual quirks are ok as long as you’re acting for the right group (see N*ruto’s fake ninja way that seems original at first but actually he’s just bypassing some minor rules but still acting inside the system). Conspiracy-ish theory ended. 

Cultures aside, looking at it from an even higher perspective, it’s a typical archetype of mythologies all over the world, that a seemingly weaker character defeats a stronger one. It’s something all humans have in themselves, subconsciously, to be able to defeat something bigger than them, no matter how illogical and unrealistic it is.