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quillpokebiology · 5 months ago

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Millcery and Alcreamie Body Language, Behaviours, and Culture

I love Alcreamie a lot, and I find them very interesting. I genuinely have nothing else to say lol

Body Language & Behaviour

Swaying

I'm sure many Alcreamie trainers have noticed this cute little behavior they do. Alcreamie sway back and fourth for a couple of main reasons: the first one is to better ground themselves if their cream starts slipping, the second is because they are uneasy and checking their surroundingd, the third can actually be a sign that they are content, and the fourth can be a sign that they dont like somethin. It can be difficult to tell the reason why your Alcreamie is swaying, so it's best to look at their expression to check. For example: the yellow Alcreamie is swaying while turning to her side and putting a hand over her mouth, showing that she feels curious about this place and is checking her surroundings.

This Alcreamie is grossed and displeased about something (I showed her broccoli and she no likey 😔)

Spinning

The behaviour that Milcery is most known for. Milcery spin to show that they are very happy and excited. They will often grab something to spin with them, be that a strawberry sweet or a piece of lint they found on the floor. Alcreamie spin too, but Milcery do it a lot more often.

Shaking

A behaviour seen in Milcery, and basically their version of swaying. The shaking is more similar to jiggling, and Milcery do this when their happy or trying to get your attention.

Goop

When Alcreamie feel scared, they will melt into goop. It's not as goopy as you may think, like with ditto, it's more clumping and doesn't go all the way. Think of it like how Dewgong l shrink into themselves. That's the best way I can describe it.

Sweating

Believe it or not, milcer and alcreamie sweat, just like us! Though, it looks a little different. Instead of water, the sweat is the color of their cream and is thicker, which can leave piles of wet cream under them. No, there is a 95% chance your milcery/alcreamie is fine. This is a completely normal behaviour, thought I suggest taking them out of the hot whether or seeing what their stressor is.

Deflating

When sad, bored, or embarrassed, Milcery deflate.

"Jumping"

A hopping motion that Alcreamie do when they want something.

Shaking

Milcery shake when they're happy or trying to tell you something.

Raised Body

Alcreamie raise the cream on their body when they feel surprised or threatened. Think of it like how a meowth arches its back when it's scared.

Courting

Alcreamie prefer to breed asexually, so they don't have many courting behaviours. But when they do find a mate, they'll do things like make them cream, hold their hand (if their partner has a hand), hug them, kiss them, etc. Milcery court similarity, but just don't make their partners cream because they are unable to.

Cream Making

I mentioned that Alcreamie will make cream for their mates, but they also make cream for their groups to reestablish bonds. This extends to their trainers as well. With their trainers, Alcreamie will give them cream they make to get closer to them or to reestablish already made bonds.

Tapping and Slapping

When Milcery/Alcreamie want to be left alone, like when they're being petted when they don't want to, they'll gently tap your hand. If you don't stop petting them, they'll end up giving quick soft slaps to your hand. Pokemon like Meowth and Purloin do this as well.

Zoomies

Milcery get the Zoomies. Alcreamie don't bcuz they're too slow, lol. They get the zoomies when they can't contain the excitement.

Kissing

Milcery/Alcreamie kiss anyone they like to show affection, be that their friends, family, mates, or trainers, most often on the cheek. It feels weird at first (you get frosting in your face), but you get used to it.

Decorating

Alcreamie decorate everything. Decorating id when Alcreamie (specifically Alcreamie, not usually done by Milcery), is when Alcreamie find an object they like, so they make different designs on it using their cream or other items they find. In the wild, they decorate their homes with flowers or their cream (which can bring unwanted bugs), but on the house, this can translate to them decorating their pokeball or their toys. I recommend getting them stickers.

Kneading

You know, like makin biscuits? Alcreamie do s kneading motion on the spot they are trying to get comfortable.

Culture

Groups

In the wild, milcery and alcreamie live in groups with other members of their kind, and this behavoiur extends to captivity as well. If you have a milcery or alcreamie, ir suggest trying to find other trainers with milcery/alcreamie and setting up play dates with them, because they can get lonely without it. Moving on, these groups can range from 10 to 30, with the largest Alcreamie group in recorded history being a group of Alcreamie with 250 members in 1951, Wyndon, Galar. While they prefer Alcreamie, they have been know to except other pokemon into their groups (one time at the center there was a group of 6 Alcreamie who were all in a polygamous relationship, and one male Roselia that decided to join them in their poly. I think about them a lot). A group of Alcreamie can be called a Creamery.

Raising

In milcery/alcreamie groups, they take the "it takes a village to raise a kid" to heart, with the entire group raising them. The mother Alcreamie will provide the young milcery with milk (fun fact: Alcreamie are one of the few non mammalian pokemon that can produce milk), while the other milcery/alcreamie will do the rest; like providing shelter and babysitting.

Naming

Naming is common in pokemon that live in groups. Alcreamie do name themselves and their young, which is just a variable of sounds. It's pretty difficult to know if it means anything since they don't have a written language like Pawniard or Weavile.

Celebrating

Believe it or not, Alcreamie do have gatherings where they celebrate. What they celebrate varies widely. They celebrate for things like food, rain, fertility, or even because it might just be a sunny day. Some researchers believe that Alcreamie could have religious festivals, but there isn't much proof to confirm any of this, let alone if they even know what religion is. They celebrate by singing (it's cute as Hell), dancing, eating, and playing. Usually hold these celebrations in wide open spaces.

Cliques

Yes, Alcreamie groups have cliques, and they work just how you'd expect. Younger Milcery tend to gravitate towards each other, elderly Alcreamie like to have close friends their age, and Alcreamie like to form close friendships with Milcery/Alcreamie with similar interests. It might not seem like much, but this shows that Alcreamie have social learning skills and social cognitive skills as well, which is something to note.

Evolution Parties

This falls into the celebration category, but I'm putting it here because this is going in the order I remember. Unlike a lot of other pokemon who evolve with items (like Raichu or Scizor), Milcery and Alcreamie make finding sweets a big event. When Milcery come of age, a bunch if Alcreamie will gather as many sweets (as in things like strawberry sweets, blueberry streets, clover sweets, etc), take them back to their camp, and lay them out in big organized piles for the Milcery to choose which one they want to evolve with. For Alcreamie, this is seen as a coming of age for growing Milcery who are about to become Alcreamie, a d they celebrate by playing games, eating a lot of food, and friendly battles to test out their newly found strength.

Weddings

You read that right. Alcreamie have weddings. If Alcreamie do matr, many of them are polygamous, so the wedding can be between 2-6 pokemon (sometimes more). Alcreamie's weddings are celebrated when an Alcreamie and its partner (since their partner isn't always an Alcreamie) will celebrate with their friends and decorate different foods they have gathered. It's not as big of a celebration as human weddings, but it's something.

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deviantartdramahub · 6 months ago

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Sighhh so I really do hate to talk about the forums at all, because from what I saw, that place is an absolute shitstorm that's a headache to even begin to describe but...I just wanna reinforce a point I've been making for ages and give further proof of it. Someone may say it's dumb I'm repeating myself like that, but it's just the people I call out are very fucking stupid, and need things endlessly explained to them so they can have hopefully a shred of realization, and even then that's being too optimistic for their intelligence.

Sooo Evie, one of the morons attacking some good people I care about, specifically Club, one of my most best internet friends, and Tri, a person I don't know quite as well, but still a kind and calm person I know I can trust.

So the only reason people like her are attacking these two is bigotry. Purely bigotry. Club is autistic, and Tri is asexual, so asses who've never matured past high school like to target minorities like them to be cOoL aNd EdGy lolll.

I've already provided so much proof for this but...why not add some more, because as I've said, it's very unfortunately necessary when the bad people I have to deal with are completely brain-dead. So the forums, I've looked at the posts about them, and internally groaned at the thought of ever having to cover that shit myself. This will hopefully be the only time I do so. In the forums, I've seen Evie use slurs. Examples include...http://web.archive.org/web/20240516215957/https://www.deviantart.com/forum/community/complaints/2736800

https://www.deviantart.com/comments/18/2689626/5031912084 (In EdelgardMoon's thread...also Evie don't think your cringe-ass UWUifying the word gives you a pass lol, we know what you're trying to say.) AND SHE ALSO SAYS THE FUCKING N-SLUR IN EnryoAlpha's THREAD??? (Albeit once again butchered bc I guess this bitch thinks being SOOO QUIRKY AND RANDOM RAWR HEHEHEE XD makes it okay to say horrendous things lmao.)

Anyways Evie, it's clear to me you're a nasty person who doesn't give two shits about other people, you probably vomit at the very thought of giving another human being basic respect. You don't want to call out genuinely horrible people to help and protect others honey, nah, you just want to make up crap excuses for your bigotry, and it shows. I've got you in a corner, and I'm eagerly awaiting your excuses to escape. You're lucky you got that tail between your legs, or that kick in the groin would be real painful!

Anndd also, you may piss and whine about me harassing you or whatever lol, but I'm not gonna hear that shit when you actually do that for real everyday for funsies. Though I know you really are a coward, considering the fact on this very website you contacted me only to block me from saying anything else! XD

Fight the battles you start dear, lmao. You acting the way you do doesn't make you cool or funny, you're just pathetic and it's sad you're a full grown woman spending your life like this.

Anyways bye bye, God these people are getting more and more pathetic and laughable.

Agreed, regardless of her defense she might wish to give. Of note, she flunked school, so the school part may have another meaning.

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sharonisthebettercarter · 7 months ago

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billy butcher and addiction--

felt there's a need for a good and proper analysis for this fucker (as well as i can manage, maybe throw in a bit of a rant on poor fandom etiquette, 'three laws of fandom' are an oldie but a goodie lol) so here we go i guess--

i wanna start by saying this is a full scope character deep dive (sortaish?? best i can do take it or leave it--lol i might go further in depth on specific scenes or whatnot later, i'm longwinded but i'm tryin' to condense as best i can for this, aaaaaaaaaaand long long post ahead--) that def includes elements solidly confirmed in dear becky and probably leans more on comics billy overall, but def does intertwine and interlock with show billy (as they are essentially the same, garth ennis' own words went something like 'he's a perfect billy butcher' lol)

i'll try to avoid spoilers (??) for the most part like dear becky, but there are some things that may need more context (there is quite a bit of in the show that works well enough to represent anyway but i guess we'll see how this goes, i may end up talking more about the show elements and how they parallel with comics billy anyway)

i also think it's worth mentioning that there's a lot to billy (especially in the comic) i feel fandom either ignores, dismisses or doesn't want to acknowledge, or just doesn't notice.

whether from personal bias/prejudice, desire (fitting billy into that 'alpha's alpha' toxic masculinity 'dom top' fever dream 'mold' so to speak, probably--no, definitely the *worst* way to interpret and easiest way bungle up his character, it completely misses the fact that billy has built *that* 'daddy approved' version of himself as a *facade* to *hide* his own shame and insecurity, and he is *so* much more complex than that nonsense (and genuinely uncomfortable and unhappy being that way-beyond the subtle guilt of a constant high). can we talk about the ways in which fandoms promote and perpetuate toxic masculinity--what, no time we'll be here all week?? oh, okay. jesus fucking christ that is exactly as bad if not worse than the maga chud interpretation and unironic worship of homelander--), lack of personal experience/familiarity, understanding--fuck it, even lack of education in media analysis or reading comprehension (if not both), and *especially* being pro-censorship/americentric/*stuck* with purity culture blinders (or even some part of them lingering)

all of those can def make media (and characters like billy) that isn't 'cookie cutter america-approved' fairly difficult to understand or accept (i guess??)

i've seen so much listed to hell and back in attempts to describe comics billy. 'he's a piece of shit' *YES*. 'he's just wish fulfillment for the author's hatred of superheroes' *no*??? let me not get into the complete hypocrisy of someone who writes or enjoys fanfic--the epitome of *wish fulfilment*--unironically complaining about other authors doing this and thinking it's a legit complaint. how does *anyone* read the entire story and come to *that* conclusion???

did you even bother reading the comic? no, i don't mean glossing over it with a completely closed mind while actively ignoring and dismissing everything important put in front of you and designed to make you think because the blood and guts or other is too distracting apparently, i mean *actually* reading it thoroughly and making an effort to think about what's being presented and why, waiting for the drop *instead* of jumping to judge (as is the american way)

and to some degree, i get it. i wouldn't say this comic is the easiest to digest (especially if completely unfamiliar with many of the themes presented, even the show has sparked some ass takes and interpretations) there's also plenty of common misconceptions, one in particular about garth ennis 'hating' superheroes. this is actually not true, what he hates is how the superhero *genre* has bottlenecked the comics industry and what is more likely to see success in it (and as a fellow creative, i completely understand how frustrating that would be, his main interest is actually war stories)

it's def one thing to say, 'nah, i don't vibe with the style' or 'it's not really for me/my taste but it's fine if others like it', i get that, satire and horror aren't for everyone. honest critique is fair even.

but it is a whole 'nother thing entirely to pretend your own personal tastes are *the only 'correct' creative law* and then *vehemently* oppose or hate something an artist created and denounce, harass, or fuck--dehumanize the people who enjoy it, if not the artists who work(ed) on it.

i'm sorry, this is a tangent cause it's def not limited to the hate the boys comics or ennis gets *at all*, it's especially prevalent in *literal* kids media like teen titans go where the thing in question is simply put--*NOT MADE FOR THE SHITHEADS NONSTOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT* when they can literally, *LITERALLY* just *accept* that they weren't the *target audience* and move the fuck on with their day, happy as can be. *instead* of shitting on something *or the people who like it* to make literal *children* or other people feel bad about liking it.

it's one thing to try and educate people or have discourse and discussion, it is another entirely to *bully* them over something so *stupid* as *fiction*.

i especially have a problem with this shit when i have *several* artists tell me that they don't feel *safe* or *welcome* being themselves, liking or creating what *they* want to make in a fandom *because* of the fandom attitude and normalization of *hate* within that fandom.

i *thought* fandoms were supposed to be about *love* so what the fuck is this human tribalist false dichotomy bullshit??

and of course, that's not always the case. there is also an unbelievable level of respect that is given to fanartists and fanfiction writers, and that is *beautiful*. 'don't like, don't read'. *PERFECT*. curate your own content, complain or rant in your own spaces--you're entitled to an opinion, but *accept* that it still has a right to exist and other people still have a right to love it (and aren't wrong for that, opinions cannot be objective), *even if you don't like it*. just don't engage then, it's that simple.

now extend that level of courtesy to the people, artists and writers in the industry.

no, i'm not trying to shut down criticism of media, proper critique is how we learn and grow and understand better and in turn *create* better. yes, they can fumble the fucking bag too, especially when adapting something from a source material and--like *some* fanfic writers out there--think they can do it 'way better'.

but the people in the industry? who bend over backwards, going on strike in some cases, breaking their necks to work on and create the things that we *love* and latch onto?

they're people too. and whether the thing they make goes *exactly* how we want or not, however you feel about the money in the entertainment industry (which they see barely a dime of if those fucking strikes and constant mistreatment are any indication), they don't deserve to be treated like scabs.

that mentality of 'not my personal taste = universally bad' and 'anyone who disagrees with my opinion is wrong' is fucking gross and *extremely elitist*, just straight up announcing how pretentious, obtuse, willfully arrogant and ignorant, and *lacking in self awareness*--the number one easiest way to be the *shittiest* kind of artist/writer/critic--you are. it is *exactly* like cishet white men complaining about something being 'bad' because it's 'woke' or has anything *besides* a cishet white man for the protagonist.

*god forbid something isn't tailor made specifically for them.*

swear to gawd, i got a list of different bullshit and circle jerking i've seen all across different fandoms for different reasons. no i'm not mad at any one person in particular, just a little salty from recurring problems and gatekeeping (ghoulfucking-GHOULFUCKING OF ALL THINGS I--I CANNOT) if not straight up bullying (does it really make a bitch feel *so* much better to try and hurt other people for liking what they, and let's be honest, are not willing to give the time of day?) in fandoms. (the complete audacity of people to complain about a media being 'childish' or 'bad' because 'insert nonsensical trivial bullshit here that holds no weight because it's personal taste if not flat out wrong and not actual critique' and then turn around and throw the biggest fucking tantrums about it--let me not get into the whole sharon carter debacle jesus christ--)

same shit. different pile.

also, fuck me. i keep *forgetting* that genuinely valid critique (*not* personal taste/opinion, proper critique pertains to things like techniques used, composition, narrative consistency and plot holes, goals of the artist/writer, accomplishments of those goals, etc.) is something that needs proper education and understanding all on its own which not a whole ton of people get or even know, which just goes to show--i'm a dumbass too. (but i won't deny that plenty of 'critics' are full of shit and *know* this but use their 'personal taste' as 'critique' *anyway* because... they enjoy being complete assholes and discouraging other artists i guess.)

y'all, take a class or two in art critique and literature analysis. you'll learn all the cool lingo (to later forget if you're like me~), and maybe (hopefully) walk out with a bit more of an open mind wanting to encourage more art in the world, even if you don't personally like it. take a moment to *listen* to differing opinions in their *entirety* and you might even gain a new perspective.

*no one* should be ashamed to ask questions or admit they don't know or understand something and fuck the people that would make you feel that way. *we can and should help each other.*

but stagnant or hostile fandoms with no self awareness and perpetuated elitism circle jerks? *really* fucking shameful, regardless of the form or where they are.

ANYWHO--

ugh, fuck. okay. i think i'm done with that tangent, back on topic--

BILLY BEAN~<3

and i want to reiterate that *again*, dear becky *does* confirm pretty much everything i'm going to discuss here tho technically speaking, nothing is spoiled here as it's just reiterating what is implicit (if not stated outright) throughout the series.

as far as dear becky goes, it's a good final gut-wrenching piece to the series and i loved it, but it definitely leaned on more of 'tell' instead of 'show, don't tell' (no duh in context, but probably because the rest of the comic did the 'show'--very well imo but it still flew over peoples' heads and made them misplace their brains--i'm sorry, i've just lost so much patience for the lack of reading comprehension and media literacy, but honestly? ennis is genuinely too good at knowing how to spark a strong emotional reaction in readers. and can we talk about the dense mofos that *make* authors have to 'tell' just to confirm something that is heavily implied--what, no time? oh, fuck, fine.)

OKAY--

addiction.

what about it, and why am i mentioning it. well. because if it's not clear by now, william butcher is an addict.

and it is one of, if not the core element that drives him to do what he does.

not becky or becca. not justice.

addiction.

and i don't mean traditional substance abuse (though he admits there has been as much in his life, especially with alcohol, his drug of choice is a bit more complex and maybe not so easy to spot on the surface for those unfamiliar with addiction).

in the show, we even see him mention that he's 'done 'em all' and there's *nothing* like temp v--and it's because temp v *amplifies* his *addiction* to the highest level it could exist on.

something else to note, there's a ton of stigma and widespread (ableist) misconception surrounding addiction still (which may be part of why people may not want to recognize it in billy), but it is absolutely a clinical mental disorder and people who suffer from it should be treated as *medical patients*, not reduced to violent criminals and scumbags. (fuck you drug war and prohibition, you are the root of organized crime and you're racist as shit.) it's also possible to become addicted to *anything*. and i mean *anything*.

if you can repeat a behavior and your brain no longer cares whether or not that behavior is causing you harm because there is a *compulsive* urge for that *repetition* or a specific result from it? that is addiction. money, anger, pain, violence, self harm, attention, love...

you'd think the last one might be okay, but it's not. it's an easy way to get caught in the infinite loop of an abusive relationship, just with promise of it. no delivery necessary.

but it doesn't have to be drugs that cause addiction. hell, gambling addiction is a thing all it's own that can get *incredibly* severe.

and listen, too much of *anything* can be horrible for you. fucking coconut will give you the runs if you eat too much that shit is *not* fun pun intended--

i digress.

in billy's case? he's actually addicted to two i just listed.

violence. and self harm.

i mentioned before that what drives billy has next to nothing to do with what happened to becky or becca.

there's a common misconception that, at the end of the day, billy does have some level of good intent behind his actions, and to a degree this is true in the *complete reverse* of what people often assume, and this is proven repeatedly in both the show (with just what we have seen) and comic (where its laid out too heavily to ignore).

setting aside the fact that there's *never* a good 'rEaSoN' to commit or even attempt *genocide* (EVER. i have ZERO patience for the constant apologism of this bullshit, SWEAR TO GAWD FANDUMB--) and billy's genocidal tendencies on their own, the idea that 'he goes after homelander for becca' or 'justice' has been completely debunked.

'justice is not vengeance'

something to always keep in mind.

but... in the first season? hughie called him out on this.

butcher calls him a 'disgrace to robin's memory', and hughie--bless his little heart, responds with 'i think i'm doing this *for* her.'

it's an interesting response, because hughie is essentially saying--

'you'll *die* for this woman, but that's not what she would have wanted. i'm going to *live* for robin, and for *annie*, because *that's* what she would have wanted.'

and he's absolutely right. billy loved becca, would have died for her. but he refuses to listen and *live* for her.

the group therapist too even before hughie. she literally laid it all out, front and center in the clearest way possible, 'it's a defense mechanism', and then butcher had his little meltdown just before telling hughie about becca, everything he can, including *using* other peoples tragedies and his own *specifically* to manipulate hughie and try and make sure *starlight* can't *save* him from what butcher is trying to turn him into.

*so that hughie stays stuck on his reason to die, instead of finding one to live.*

in the second season, *becca* herself calls him out on this, multiple times.

'you put me on this pedestal but i never knew how to save you'.

'--i didn't come to you, i went to vought--.'

and that's just it, becca (and becky in the comic) is *intimately* familiar with billy's *addiction* and the underlying mental health issues he *wouldn't address*. she didn't tell him what happened even after the shock of it because she *knew* that it would just become a reason for billy to *give in* and be his worst self to a degree where she would *lose him* regardless of what she felt or asked for from him.

she felt she had to *suffer in silence* to *protect him* from *himself*, something that ends up *destroying* her.

becca wanted to *save* billy, but more importantly, she wanted *him* to *save himself* because she *believed in him*, *so much*.

'i never wanted that for you.'

she doesn't want billy to drown and suffer or cause harm in his own hatred and addictions. she *loved* him so much so, that she was willing to *drown herself* if it meant she could save *him*. she loved him *too much*.

billy's mum too, even tries to help in her own way. (she is much less aware of billy's activity in the comic, but we'll come back to her. for the show, this was likely in response to seeing the news about *stillwell*, something his dad fucking *praised* him for)

'--that he wouldn't have this hold on you--'

billy's actions are almost entirely driven by the *addiction* his father forced on him. on doing the things that would make his 'daddy' *proud*. and the thing is, he's *fully aware* of this.

he constantly *says* that *becca* is his 'reason', that she was his *cure*, but she's the *excuse*. his *new addiction* and *self medication* (also billy, you fucking cunt you *know* what you do and have no leg to stand on when it comes to self medicating--)

both in the worst of what he does and his rejection of addressing his own traumas, and she is *unwilling* in this endeavor. she never wanted this hate to consume him, she never wanted all of this death with her name as the signature, *she never wanted billy to be his father*, much less be something much worse.

he even admits as much in the third season when he hallucinates lenny who tells him his actions would 'break becca's heart'

billy responds something along the lines of 'becca's dead, it doesn't matter what she thinks'. (a line presented in the comic even more harshly, but it drives the point home perfectly.)

when he sees lenny again in his nightmare--

'i'm not that bastard--.'

'come off it billy, you always have been. cause anyone who's ever loved you, you end up gettin' 'em killed, don't ya--.'

'--the last person on god's green earth tryin' to stop you from bein' a monster, and what do you do? drag him down to your level... when he dies... and he will... then no can stop you.'

OOF OUCH OWIE--. the lenny stuff hits so damn hard but it represents *perfectly* what butcher's own *internalized beliefs* are.

mallory calls him out on it literally every season.

'--but billy! not the others!'

'it's like asking a cockroach to not be a cockroach--'

'--because it wouldn't stop with just homelander--'

'this was never about ryan or becca, it was always selfish. the hate inside that you want to let loose on the world.'

'--i was wrong... you are your father, always have been...'

and then there's billy's subsequent impulsive reaction to push ryan away, and *be his father*.

but hell, even in gen v when mallory is speaking to shetty.

and truthfully, billy was even showing *withdrawal* symptoms at the beginning of the third season.

billy himself, even *self punishes*, picking fights he knows he *won't* win as a way to counterbalance *and* satisfy his own addiction, infinite loop. vicious cycle.. (ooh i will def be coming back to the big one here--), and we see this in one *HUGE* way, and in many many smaller ways, but even in the more literal sense of going to bars, starting trouble, and laughing or smiling when he's getting beat the fuck up or *losing*.

it's even highlighted in the show, billy *seeking out violence* and conflict whether he should or not, *especially* when unnecessary. getting his own face busted up and smiling because of it is something that happens multiple times in the comic (even on accident in one instance), and is def given a place in the show. it's easy to pass off as billy simply being a masochist (which is def true lmao he does admit as much), but there's also more to it than that and it goes hand in hand with his *addiction* and--

what he thinks he deserves.

billy *hates himself* so *severely* that he actually *does not believe* that he is capable of the *good* that others, such as lenny, becca, his mum, and hughie are willing to *see* in him. he *completely* believes it when others say that 'he is his father' (internalizes it, struggles with it, and frequently acts on it).

he puts on a show. bravado, posture, and 'confidence'. and he's so good at putting on that front, that he can fool himself, even for a moment. and those that believe it will even *enable* him. and the people he feels *nothing* for? again, he maintains the front. he lives his life *masking*, *faking it*--so fucking hard. homelander could never--

and it's not even necessarily the result of toxic masculinity. don't get me wrong, he def has some issues with that lingering (y'all, if you have *say* you're an 'alpha' and posture out your sweet little ass off 24/7, you're def *not* an 'alpha' lmfao), but it's more so his own *trauma* that forces him to *cling* to that.

but when he *loves*, and he loves *deeply*, he completely rolls over and shows his belly like a kitten<3... when he was with becky, he was happy and comfortable, and all of that *ridiculousness* just melted away completely... he didn't feel any need for it because he felt *safe*, because this constant *insecurity* and feeling of being *threatened* all the damn time looming overhead had suddenly cleared up with becky there.

it's not even so much that billy doesn't feel fear. he might not traditionally (at all if his amygdala is damaged), but considering the fight or flight response, billy's *default* setting literally *is* that *fight* response. he's the way he is because he is *always* afraid and he's been conditioned for it to manifest itself as *rage*.

we see bits of his love come through in a few moments he has with people he has genuine care for. (the way he loves his mum and she instantly calms him down is genuinely so sweet.)

but it's always gonna come back down to 'daddy dearest'.

because of him, *billy is afraid of living*.

and--

his father. *is proud of him*.

billy is *just like him* or *everything he wanted to be* as a *man*, or at least is compelled to *project* this on the surface. and everything in *billy* that *is* his father, *just like him*, is *everything* that billy *hates*. so it manifests into an *intense* self loathing and spiraled addiction that magnifies the worst of what his father *forced* on him.

he *doesn't want* to be *his father*, but he feels, and fully believes that *he already is*. his self hatred is another form of *hating his father*, because *he is that man's legacy*.

so *billy* doesn't *believe* that he deserves love or goodness or care from other people (a parallel we see in homelander, presented a bit differently.) so he 'doesn't care'. makes excuses to not care (about people in general, if not just the very *prominent* antisocial tendencies), or leave, or push them away, lashing out to give *them* the excuse to leave him, because he is *afraid* and in his own mind, *unworthy*.

he's *afraid* of being loved, of *losing* that love, of *hurting* those he loves. he is *afraid* of being his own father.

but it's all he's ever known, all he's ever been *conditioned* to be. intoxicated, ever present, it's this terrible thing that destroys him but he *can't* stop. *addiction*.

and what better way to protect those he loves than to keep himself as *far* away from them as possible? than to *make* them hate him. than to do the *wrong* thing, to *disappoint* them. self sabotage. self punishment.

he can't stop himself. he deserves it.

lather, rinse, repeat.

so what does that mean for homelander, or even the reason he goes after homelander? the *real* reason.

'there must be *some* good in him because homelander 'must be' this 'ultimate evil that *must* be stopped', right?

not really. he's a symptom of a much greater evil, but he was never the root of it. if billy really wanted to solve the problems at hand and get *justice*, he'd go after *vought*, NOT homelander.

homelander is not even the real villain in *billy's* mind, in all actuality.

what homelander *is*?

temptation.

he is... the *ultimate* final high for billy. in terms of addiction to both *violence* and *self punishment*.

he doesn't actually go after homelander because he wants to 'stop him' or even kill him. not really. there are times billy starts a fight *expecting* to *lose*, *wanting* it. homelander *is* one of those times to the most intense degree that billy could find. and he even senses this when they first meet--unnecessarily, privately insulting the man because why?

because he feels *threatened*. because he feels *insecure*. because if homelander is *truly good*, even with *all that power*--

then billy has no fucking excuse--

it is, in essence, the same exact reaction that lex luthor has to superman. forcing himself to *challenge* him because of a *constant* sense of *fear*. (except lex *is* afraid of dying, so 1000% a huge coward lmao--)

but~, when he finds out homelander is *bad*?

homelander is billy's *failsafe*

to stop the person he feels is the most terrible evil of all *and* to set the world on fire in the process. a way for billy to kill two birds with one stone. compelled by his addiction to *chase* this ideation relentlessly.

homelander is to billy--his ultimate end, self punishment, a death wish, a *suicide attempt*.

and a way to *unleash his hatred onto the rest of the world*, *to make it burn*, even after his death. (this would be why despite many many MANY warnings to *not* push homelander *because of the catastrophe this will ultimately instigate and the loss of life this is bound to result in*--billy does not give a shit about the potential consequences. he welcomes them--)

if homelander were a *nuke*, billy would want to *launch* him. right now, homie is more like the *demon core*, incredibly dangerous and in some instances lethal, but not *yet* explosive.

billy *wants* the *warhead*.

it was why he got *so excited* at the *chance* of homelander offering him 'scorched earth'.

the man read billy like an open fucking book, and set the bait--

y'all, in other words, homie straight up went to billy's house and offered *crack* to the *crack addict*--fuck yeah he's gonna take that offer!

homelander never actually perceives billy as a real threat *at all* (safe to say, this is the main reason he doesn't kill him. there's a bit of personal complex combined with the deals/blackmail/request involved, but this would also be why he doesn't *hesitate* to 'kill' billy at herogasm. he genuinely gives no fucks about this poor man or his many anal complexes and daddy issues beyond the mild entertainment he gets from him and just how *easy* it is to read billy or rile him up. maybe a *dash* of novelty being found in billy's obsession with him. i'll go into the homie side of things in depth maybe someday soon lol but for now--)

and here's the thing, homelander isn't the *only* failsafe. he is simply the *ultimate failsafe*

included in all the possible bad habits billy has is pawning off his *responsibility* and personal accountability, even his *will to do good* onto others.

i mentioned before that becca (becky) was like a new addiction for him. and she was. in a sense, billy was using her to self medicate. she loved him, gave him love and made him feel good, no pain, no shame--but also no pause to think about that pain, self hatred and self doubt and actively address it. she was a way to not worry about his own *goodness* because she was an *easy* reason for him to *want* to be good.

and something important to note?

billy feels that he has *cheated* on becca/becky *since* the day she left/died. (there's a whole ass deliciously intricate story there but i'm trying to avoid the spoilers lmao. kind of a freebie hint i guess.)

lenny and hughie similarly make an effort to *hold butcher back* and reach out to him. (everyone does honestly, but not everyone is so successful with it). and butcher lets them, but *also* removes the agency of his own choice in the matter.

he doesn't just *let them* make him *good*, he doesn't believe he's capable of stopping himself on his own--but he believes in *them* because they *are* good, *truly good*.

hughie all on his own is *another kind of failsafe* and lo and behold, even calls butcher out on this by the end of the third season (theme is prevalent in the comic a lil different but again spoilers lol):

'i don't think you want to do this. i think you want me to stop you.'

*ding*ding*ding*!

nail on the head, hughie... butcher does not believe he can stop himself. so he sets up *failsafes* to do as much.

and let me just say, it is *unbelievably* shitty of him to do that, to pawn off the responsibility of his own behavior, whether good or pure evil onto other people. but i get it. and it fucking breaks my heart for him.

because *that* is addiction. it feels like mind control. aggressive compulsion. you feel ashamed, and hate yourself, and don't care if you hurt yourself or even others. but you keep *hoping*, *wishing*, *leaving a breadcrumb trail* so that *someone*, *anyone*, will come along and--

*save you. from you.*

and when you stop believing in yourself, in your own willpower to fight against this *thing* that just completely *destroys* you from the inside out... without *anyone* on your side, what else is left to do but to numb the pain?

i was able to recognize billy's addiction right off the bat because i've *been* to a lot of the places he has been. including the addiction. and he makes me so *fucking* mad because it's like seeing a version of myself *still stuck*, *still lost*, *still trapped* by my own issues and self loathing, and all of the abuse i've gone through--

and the biggest fuck up, the biggest *abuser* is me.

i can't *escape* me. *no one* can escape *themself*.

that fucker breaks my heart to pieces because *i have been there*, and i know just how fucking hard it is to *be* there, just how much harder it is to *get out* and start to *learn*--*who is it you really wanna be? who are you without this drug?*

and something he even says in the comics on a few occasions is--

'i'm not really here, i'm somewhere else watching this happen'

asserting that he *truly* believes that he has *no control* over *what* he is. (in contrast with homelander, who feels the weight of something similar but more literally in some regard, and in relation to so many other aspects in his life with the world around him.)

billy butcher *is* the *true villain* of *his own story*

of his own making.

he's not after homelander or even vought. he doesn't blame society or even his father at this point. he blames himself. and he's *given up* entirely on fighting himself. he's looking for his *overdose*.

*that's homelander*

ain't that a kick in the head...

it's part of what makes their relationship and dynamic so incredibly electric and titillating. it's got nothing to do with becca or becky.

butcher sees homelander as an easy way out. as a way to control the narrative, *maintain his own*, and *stop the bad guy* without bringing someone *good*, like *hughie*, down to his level.

he *sees* the parallels, a kindred spirit. he *knows* the potential. and he wants to be the *spark* to light all that *gasoline*.

because then it won't be his fault anymore. his *guilt*. he'll have passed on his *curse*.

likewise, he actually goes after supes in general for a similar enough reason, and it ties in with why he *doesn't* go after vought directly.

billy actually *likes* the status quo. to a degree, *needs* it, *needs vought*

because *vought* is the *creator* of his *supply*, feeding this addiction. and we hear billy say this in both the comic and show--

'with great power comes the absolute certainty that you'll turn into a right cunt.'

and billy actually believes this--about himself.

when he says it about other supes and even his intense hatred of them, it is a *projection* of his own issues and what he believes to be true for himself (that he would do the absolute worst thing imaginable given the opportunity). and in a way, going after them is in some ways a metaphor for stopping and destroying himself, hating himself, as much as it is a way to maintain his addiction.

and--

maintain the narrative he has built--that he is the true villain.

and if that's the case, well... it takes a *hero* to stop a *villain*, right?

but also--y'all remember that scene in the suicide squad where polkadot man imagines everyone as his mum? how he imagines starro as his mum?

yeah, that.

that's basically billy. every fucking supe, including starlight, and kimiko, and let's *really* not talk about what this means about him sleeping with maeve in context with his 'supe=daddy' issues, but even the person he sees in the mirror. *all of them* are *his father*.

listen, i'm not kidding. billy's daddy issues are seriously severe, so fucking bad, i--

his actions aren't for becca or becky or ryan or justice. even he *knows* that's bullshit and admits as much (which just makes fandom denying it that much more fucked). but they're not even *just because* or because he's genocidal, antisocial, or anything else. he *does* want someone to stop him. he's sane enough to recognize his actions for what they truly are *behind* the mask.

billy's actions are a volatile and violent *cry for help*, because he never learned how to *ask*, or even how to *believe in himself*.

he never truly learned that *he never had to be his father*, and he didn't *need* becky or becca, lenny or hughie to *be good*.

i actually think billy's greatest magic trick is convincing even the audience and readers that he is a *total*, complete piece of shit. and don't get me wrong, he is *def* a huge, massive, incredibly rank and ripe piece of shit--.

and y'all, i'm sorry if you believed him and got played like a damn fiddle, him and homie def throwin' in some hard balls--

but he's also still human. he also still needs just as much if, honestly? maybe even more, fucking *help* than homelander. which kind of draws back into their parallels. the tomfoolery of fandom might have you believe that billy is less complex or more put together than homelander, but their situations go hand in hand and the evidence suggests (if not confirms) something quite different.

billy's plight and even goal in some sense is *convincing the rest of his world that he is a monster*. driven by the addiction his father gave him. enabled by the world around him.

homelander's? it's actually the complete opposite. his struggle is with *his world convincing him that he is a monster*, and in turn, against his own instincts, *growing* into that role. when in reality, he never got the chance to decide for himself, it was decided *for* him a long long time ago.

'i think, therefore i am.'

'i can, therefore i must.'

however, *our actions cannot define who we are, because we can choose our actions*. good or bad are not something you inherently *are*, they are something you *choose to do*.

it paints what in turn becomes quite the brutal and tragic picture when these two forces meet. homelander and billy are both of the mindset that they *don't have a choice*.

and this bit is a bit more of a personal thought, but regarding billy's mum, she was *becky*. she was sweet, and kind, and cared for her family more than anything. *it didn't matter what she suffered, she was willing to drown if it meant saving the people she loved*.

as much as i adore how cute becca and billy were, i don't think she would have saved him.

i think the implication is that she would have either 'drowned' trying and become his mum, history repeating itself in a vicious cycle as billy spread his disease to any child they could have.

or that she would have lost her mind. and in turn *become* the person billy spread his disease to, if not another enabler for him. if not billy's choice of drug, maybe she would have taken up something else and eventually overdosed. i would even say the show implies this outcome with both becca and hughie, as the more butcher pushes--the more worn down they get.

if you put enough pressure on someone--they break.

becca was *good* for him. but billy was so, so fucking *bad* for her.

it begs the question of whether or not billy *is* right, if he really is this monster, *fated* to become his father in the worse of ways. of whether or not it's too late for him.

he's certainly not 'normal' or 'right' or 'good' or even an 'anti-hero'. at best, you could maybe call him an 'anti-villain', he is meant to be the deuterantagonist.

it def doesn't help that every time he has the *chance* to do the right thing, *someone* goes and enables him, gives him a reason to do the *wrong* thing.

fucking maeve in that last episode of the third season. but she's def not the only one, and def not the only time. (and yes, if it wasn't clear enough, being completely fucking indifferent to killing *thousands* of people to go after *one* fucking guy is in fact, the *wrong* thing to do.)

butt.

rewatching the scenes with lenny and billy's reaction, and even the final fight, showed something of a *possible* silver lining.

billy *enjoys* rejecting his father. actually pretty fucking greatly if we're being honest. generally speaking, it's when he *rejects* his father and everything that man represents that billy is at his *happiest* (lmao the epitome of an unfulfilled submissive sweetheart and bratty bossy bottom~<3<3<3)

there's a moment, where soldier boy says something along the lines of--

'--fuck you. you're weaker than he is.'

in regards to homelander. it's sort of glossed over, but this is billy's reaction to essentially being called a 'disgrace' so to speak by a toxic 'alpha male'.

y'all see that? it's a smile. lmao a smirk.

this is a moment where billy is protecting *ryan* and keeping his promise to becca. it's a moment where billy is *doing the right thing*, all on *his own* (mostly lol i'm sure there's a roundabout way to justify it in his head). and i think that's key.

it's not just a moment he's proud of himself and has a legitimate fucking reason to be proud of himself, (oh btw, we shoulda *all* been proud of billy in this moment), it's a moment he's *breaking through what his father made him* and his own *addiction*.

and he's doing it *selflessly* and--*without setting that responsibility on another person*.

so we *know* he has it in him, he always has. even becky *in the comic* kept trying to convince billy that *he is capable of good without her*. and again, we actually saw this in the second season when becca and ryan were reunited and billy *changed* his plans, *for becca*, instead of doing the selfish thing and selling ryan back to vought.

but if billy doesn't believe it himself...

i don't think billy is right about himself. but it is very *very* difficult for someone to *correct course* so to speak, once they have their *core beliefs*, lay out their own destiny and start along a *self fulfilling prophecy*, something him and homelander *both* do.

enter ryan.

and suddenly (lol probably in part due to reading dear becky lol), there was a bit of... not so much new, as *confirmed* perspective in play after that rewatch, something to *look* for and ponder in regards to *why* ryan may have been added for this story, a question in mind--

'would it be wrong of *ryan* to want to save his father?'

was it wrong of becca or becky, hughie or lenny, even his mum, to want to save billy?

how would *billy* even begin to answer such questions?

a different answer for the two would be a clear hypocritical bias (which lol i would not put past billy, but i also wouldn't be surprised if he maintained consistent thinking by answering *yes* to both)

. . .

y'all...

i still can't say i'm particularly optimistic about things turning out alright for either gent or ryan, butt~<3

garth ennis literally made the saddest, most pathetic, deliciously sweet, perfectly precious, extra emo tsun tsun baby boi ever, and put him right under our noses.

some a y'all fucking sneezing all over him, straight up sleepin' on all his *best* bits. how are we not utilizing billy butcher *properly~<3<3<3*????

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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ticklystuff · 1 year ago

Note

Hi! Can you please write Lee Kaveh and Ler Alhaitham with Bellybutton? 👀

closed, send no more!

a/n: hiiii i'm sorry this took so long! the idea for this fic is cringe but i really liked it so i just ran with it hahaha but hope you enjoy!

characters: alhaitham, kaveh, tighnari is here for a minute lol

wc: ~2.1k

"No way! You're not serious, right?"

"No, yeah, I'm not kidding! It's actually so funny!"

Alhaitham huffed as the two's voices permeated through his bedroom walls that he was sure were made of paper at this point. Visitors weren't commonplace for his humble abode and there was a good reason for that, yet despite knowing this, Kaveh's persistence somehow managed to sway Alhaitham into allowing Tighnari to come over for tea. The blond's request was immediately shot down with zero hesitation on Alhaitham's part, as entertaining guests was not particularly one of his strong suits, but after some careful consideration, the potential pros seemed to outweigh the cons. Not only would it give Alhaitham some free time away from the blond, but Kaveh would have someone else to let out his little vents onto. Oftentimes, there was little substance to what Kaveh usually had to say and the inability to spark meaningful conversation meant a good waste of a portion to Alhaitham's day. With Tighnari over, however, Alhaitham would no longer be subjected to such a time sink and could enjoy his afternoon Kaveh-free.. or so he initially thought. The ecstatic giggles from the two escalated into screeching laughter and that familiar feeling of regret, something Alhaitham often associated with anything related to Kaveh, began to take its place in his chest. Not even the noise-cancelling earpieces he purchased specifically for situations like these were of aid.

That's it. Tighnari had overstayed his welcome.

Slamming the book in hand with one swift motion, Alhaitham stood up from his desk, marching over to his bedroom door to give Kaveh and his guest a piece of his mind, only to immediately stop in his tracks when his ears caught on to the topic at hand.

"Yeah, Alhaitham is so ticklish too!"

The little cogs in Alhaitham's brain seemed to come to a standstill, malfunctioning as his brain attempted to process what Kaveh so casually blurted out, taking more time than it should have put him back on track. Once things were back up and running, Alhaitham was still at a loss on how to react, left standing in place, blinking over and over as the words replayed in his head, face turned flush unknowingly. Why was this even a topic of conversation, let alone something that Kaveh felt the need to share? Do normal people even think about tickling in their daily lives? What would even bring such a subject on like this?

"Wait really?" Tighnari sounded genuinely shocked, as if most people in the world weren't ticklish on some level. "People like Cyno and Alhaitham too, I guess, always go around acting super serious, but then just fall to a couple of tickles." Okay, so apparently this is a normal thing for Tighnari too.

"I know, right? He's always like 'I'm acting grand sage Alhaitham, my house my rules blahblahblah.'" Alhaitham reeled at the comically guttural voice Kaveh used to imitate him; he didn't sound like that at all. "But then he screams when your hands even get close to his sides."

"Wait, that actually reminds of this one time," Tighnari began, clearly excited by the tone of his voice, "but I poked at Cyno's ribs once and he made like these sounds; I'm not sure how to describe them, but like, he almost sounded like a pig, I guess?"

"A pig? I don't think- oh wait! You mean like this?" The following sounds were reason enough for Alhaitham to rip his eardrums out, resembling what he assumed was Kaveh's best impression of a snorting pig. Whether the imitated pig was being laid to slaughter or not, he wasn't so sure.

To Tighnari, though, these noises sufficed, as evident by the entertained laughter that Alhaitham was able to make out through the door. "Yes, thank you! That's exactly what he sounds like!"

"Oh, and don't even get me started on Alhaitham." As much as wished to stop eavesdropping, the sudden mention of his name again piqued the scribe's ears. "He may not snort like Cyno, but he does something just as bad." There was a brief silence that not even Tighnari broke and Alhaitham found himself removing the earbuds that seldom left his ears, pressing the side of his head to the door for full clarity. "One time, I tickled Alhaitham and I was able to get him to squeal," Kaveh spoke, as if this was a personal achievement to be proud of.

Something in Alhaitham's brain snapped at this very moment, his left eye twitching as Kaveh and Tighnari continued their waste of a conversation. Squeal? Never once in his life has he ever done such a thing. He couldn't even recall the specific instance that Kaveh was referring to, but the more he thought about it, the more the heat in his head began to rise, creating an unfamiliar feeling as it was unlike the scribe to lose his cool. Still, even if it was true, which it definitely was not, who did Kaveh think he was to be spreading around hearsay like this? His hand reached for the knob of the door, fully ready to go out and not only defend his pride, but rip Kaveh to shreds, yet Alhaitham's hand froze just as he turned the knob, halting at the thought of a new idea, a plan most satisfying.

"Ah, it looks like it's getting late." Alhaitham's ears perked up at the sound of Tighnari's voice, nearly smirking with how things just seemed to line up for him. "I should get going soon. I promised Cyno I'd walk him home today." How convenient.

"Oh, take some of the snacks! Let me go find some containers to pack them up for you." Alhaitham listened to the shuffle of multiple footsteps resounding off the floorboards, mixed with the idle chit chat that his ears began to tune out. At least they moved past the previous subject..

"Alright, thanks again!" The familiar sound of the front door being opened followed Tighnari's farewell. "Tell Alhaitham I said hi!"

"Alright, alright, take care!"

Alhaitham continued to stand by his bedroom door in silence, giving himself a few minutes before proceeding with his plan in mind. He listened as the front door shut, followed by what he assumed was Kaveh cleaning up after his gossip session with Tighnari, noting the occasional incoherent grumble from the blond. Once a sufficient amount of time had passed, Alhaitham slowly stepped out of his room, walking down the short aisle to see Kaveh's back to him, tidying up just like he presumed. There were two empty wine glasses resting on the table, a possible explanation to the obnoxious laughter.

"Kaveh."

The sound of Alhaitham's voice seemingly morphed Kaveh's mannerisms, a noticeable shift to the strung-up self Alhaitham was most familiar with. "Ugh, there you are!" Kaveh bellowed with a spin to his heel, marching up to Alhaitham, a slight tinge of pink to his face. "You couldn't even spare the time of day to come out of your room and greet Tighnari! Like, what kind of host do you think you are?!"

"A good one, considering you'd most likely complain about my presence killing the mood," Alhaitham simply brushed off the nagging, visibly irritating Kaveh further. "Anyway, I did not come here for you to criticize me. Rather, I'm inquiring about your earlier conversation with him."

Kaveh scoffed, hands on his hips. "Oh, so now you're interested in things I have to say?"

"Not really," Alhaitham responded flatly, "but for the sake of my efforts, let's pretend that I am."

"I mean just some normal chit-chat, I guess," Kaveh said with a shrug, raising an eyebrow at the other. "Why are you asking? If you're so curious, just hang out with us the next time."

"Well, I'd prefer not to go through the trouble," Alhaitham waved off the suggestion, an ill use of his time, really. "However, I couldn't help but overhear-"

"Oh, so you were listening!"

"-the topic of your conversation being a peculiar one," Alhaitham continued, the interruption hardly worth addressing. "Kaveh, tell me, have you ever squealed before?"

This fully caught the other off-guard, the blatant confusion written all over his face. "What?"

"During your conversation with Tighnari, you mentioned details about my overall sensitivity. Although I do not deny being somewhat ticklish, I must refute the fact that you mention I squeal. There has never-"

"Seriously? This is what you're hung up on?"

"-been a time where I have ever done such a thing, leading me to the conclusion that you've yet to experience the particular sound. Therefore, I have decided-"

"Come on, Alhaitham. It's not a big deal."

"-that perhaps you need to squeal yourself."

"What are you even-" Alhaitham observed as Kaveh's own words suddenly caught in his mouth, the look of alarm bells visibly going off in his head as the realization of the younger's words settled in. The blond gave two nervous blinks, to which Alhaitham responded with a single nod, an indication of what was about to occur. Before Alhaitham could take his next breath, Kaveh was already off running, prompting Alhaitham to shortly do the same.

"Don't-! NO! Stay away from mehehe!" Kaveh shrieked with apprehensive giggles as he barely avoided Alhaitham's grasp, snatching one of the cushions from the sofa to use as a lousy projectile that hardly required dodging on Alhaitham's part.

"What's the matter, Kaveh?" Alhaitham barely missed a beat in his step as Kaveh attempted everything possible to throw off the scribe in his pursuit, knowing Kaveh well enough to read his movements. "You wouldn't happen to be ticklish, would you?"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!" Kaveh's voice grew more frantic with each circle around the sofa, his pleas for mercy falling on Alhaitham's deaf ears. "I shouldn't have said anything! I'm sohohorry!"

"Yeah, you shouldn't have."

"Alhaitham, wait! Truce! Trucetrucetruce! Please- noHOHO!" Whether it was due to his usual clumsiness or the glass of red wine from earlier, Alhaitham was sure it was a combination of both, the scribe managed to eventually snatch Kaveh by the waist, firmly wrapping his arm around the other to prevent him from squirming free. Kaveh was already a giggly mess before Alhaitham had even started, doing everything in his power, which admittedly wasn't much, to stop the inevitable, but once Alhaitham's fingers began prodding through the thin flowy top that Kaveh oh-so loved to wear on his days off did the fun really begin.

"Noho! NOHOHO!" Choosing to start at his ribs, Alhaitham was rewarded with a healthy dose of laughter as his fingers teased at the sensitive area with dexterity and precision, unfazed by the squirmy Kaveh in his arm. On top of the flurries of movement came multitude of cursing and swearing, most incoherent due to the mix forced laughter, yet Alhaitham continued in a collected manner, already an expert at blocking out Kaveh's voice. After all, he only had one goal on his mind, each poke pushing his determination further.

"Squeal."

This appeared to set something off in Kaveh, arms flailing about more wildly accompanied by a cry that could only resemble one of a strangled cat, clearly rejecting the proposition. "NOHOHO! LeheHEHEheht me gohoHOHO!" His body seemingly shrunk in Alhaitham's hold, a failed attempt at scrunching away from the way his fingers walked down the middle of his ribcage and along his waist, each step defined to trigger an individual sensation that made Kaveh jump.

"Squeal."

"Alhaithahaham, wahaHAHAIT!" Jumbled laughter was all that spilled from his mouth now, unable to properly structure coherent sentences. Despite the shrill shrieks, there was something almost charming about the laughter that filled the room and Alhaitham couldn't help but smile along, if only just slightly. Still, despite the near entrancement, Alhaitham remained on track, taking particular notice to the seemingly growing frenzied responses elicited in Kaveh's reactions, both bodily and vocally, whenever his hand hovered just over his navel. Perhaps this might just be what he needed..

"Squeal."

"HaAAAH!! NO-NOHOHO!"

Just as he thought, Alhaitham had struck gold, drawing out the exact reaction he sought. Kaveh's squeal echoed throughout the space, almost as if the walls reverberated with his laughter. He allowed himself to tease that specific area longer than intended, enjoying the hectic mess Kaveh had become in the process, before finally releasing the blond, watching as Kaveh quickly hobbled away to create distance between the two.

"Well, I hope you've learned your lesson," Alhaitham put it bluntly, catching the irate expression Kaveh shot him. "Now, you wouldn't want me spreading the story about how you squeal when tickled, right?"

"Fine, fine, we're even!" Kaveh scoffed, throwing his arms up in annoyance. "Truce?"

Alhaitham couldn't help but smirk in response. "Truce."

#kavetham #kaveh #alhaitham #genshin impact #tickling

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ghost-of-a-system · 1 month ago

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HI IM A PRETTY NEWLY DISCOVERED SYSTEM, AND WE HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT SOURCE MEMORIES

(sorry about the capslock, for some reason our keyboard glitches out sometimes lol) HOW DO THEY WORK?? LIKE, HOW DO I KNOW IF ITS A SOURCE MEMORY OR IF IM JUST MAKING IT UP? WE ALREADY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH RECOUNTING MEMORIES SO HOW DO WE DO IT FOR SOMETHING WE DONT EVEN HAVE ANY PHYSICAL PROOF OF?

(okay the keyboard is fixed now)

can it just be like... a feeling? sometimes i look at a character from my source and i go "oh i like them. i get a fond feeling when i look at them" even though ive never really been intruduced to that character before? can they develop after the alter is?

sorry if its a lot of questions, were just really confused and we cant find anything that answers our questions 😭

(Also we hope that you are all doing well!!)

no worries, and we'll try our best to answer. we struggle with similar things, the recounting memories part mainly. well, we struggle a lot with looking back on "the body's" memories (whether they're from yesterday or a decade ago) and trying to decipher whether they were real or not ('specially if there's 'no proof' to help us). so that happens with our pseudomemories/source memories as well.

there's two things that we really depend upon when it comes to remembering source memories, or determining if we even have them to begin with. those are usually emotions and, honestly gut feeling lol. what you described with looking at someone and simply feeling that way could very much help indicate something about your memories. for us it is usually kinda like this, just comes to us naturally really. it's what our brain jumps to first and it's what feels the most "right" when comparin it to how we feel about other possibilities.

as far as the whole emotions thing we mentioned, it's a little more specific to us, so it might not completely work for others (?). we generally have a pretty hard time forcing ourselves to feel a certain way, mainly towards people and events. emotions, connections, events, they're all things that take time or personal experience for us to feel much of anything for. when it comes to source memories, i mean we could try to make up a scenario from a source but chances are we won't feel anythin towards it. when we do remember something from our source/"past", and we feel something for it, usually strongly, well, we know it's genuine because we know how our brain works. if it wasn't real to us, we would be completely unfeeling about it.

now this gets a bit tricky since sometimes you can have source memories but feel little to nothing towards them anyway, and though it doesn't happen often for us (we usually either have them and feel heavily for/are affected by them, or have none at all), it has been the case a few times. usually we would rely on that gut feeling thing but, honestly? since we felt nothing for those memories, we never really had an interest in trying to learn more about them. so that's about the most i could add to that.

last thing promise haha, regarding the "can they develop after an alter already has" thing. we have a little experience with this personally, but my short answer is i'm sure it can. if it's what your brain needs, well, anything's plausible in a situation like this, in my opinion. personally it has only ever really happened to us after an alter has split but before they have completely "developed" past being a fragment of sorts. like we have an introject guy we split a while back, didn't know too much about em source-wise, did engage with the source a couple days or so after they showed up. then those bits ended up being part of their source memories later on. so yeah, i'm still sure it can.

hopefully that works, if not we can clarify anything! we hope you're doing well too :)

#ghost of a sys asks

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anomaliex · 27 days ago

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I have anthropology autism so something something ramble about gender and racism in fantasy high's setting I typed out at midnight. It's semi-coherent??

It's been established that Fabian is somewhat effeminate by Solesian (which I would assume is largely influenced by Human culture) standards whereas his behaviour and presentation seems to be very normal amongst the elven men of Fallinel (or, well, I'd argue that Fabian is on the brasher side for elf standards. But you get the point). Elves are generally portrayed as graceful and elegant, and it's mentioned briefly that most of them can't grow facial hair; then there's dwarves where it's common for women to have beards and everyone seems to be a little more. Rough? I just find it interesting, obviously completely different species with different biologies and believes would have different perceptions of gender (if gender even is a concept that exists in the way we know it amongst all of them. Which, like, seems unlikely.)

Do elven men show their prowess through dance? Do dwarven women braid flowers or jewellery into their beards? What about the less human-like races? I think personally that Goblins would care shockingly little about gender, like, fully not a concept anyone gives a shit about up in the chaos mountains and the Gukgaks just do because they're second and third gen immigrants. Or, like, orcs. If gender roles intently come with a sort of hierarchy I actually thing in orc culture the women would be higher in it. They're so strong for gifting you life, periods are a sacred and holy time and a gift (this is also a thing in some real life cultures!! Or well, was. At some point.)

Just, yeah. To me gender is super interesting to think about in fantasy settings, specifically this one.

I think I find Fabian specifically so fascinating because he's mixed. Using the term mixed the way you'd describe someone in this world being blasian because, yeah. (He is also technically that kind of mixed but I think that doesn't actually apply here? This concept of race does not seem to exist in Spyre, which is cool I think.) He is an elf and he's also a human and he can't perfectly comfort to the traditional presentation of either culture (not that he knew much about his elven heritage until sophomore year). Also (high)elves and humans are shown to be the most racist, this is important. This sounds insane but I genuinely find it noteworthy that elves and humans seem to get the best treatment and while they are also racist to each other seem to hold more respect for each other than, for example, halflings. They see the other as a threat to their authority rather than a physical threat (like orcs) or something lower (halflings, gnomes).

And, like, it makes sense that elves are portrayed as snooty and often fantasy-racist across most media since, like, they live really long. In Spyre they live until you kill them. They have no time limit, they've seen so many things and they have so much more experience and of course that would lead to them seeing the mortal races as oh so pitiful and clueless. Like, there's obviously the "oh they're below us" mindset but most high elves in Fallinel don't even have bad intent when they're weird as shit about mortality they genuinely pity the others but that can lead to them being condescending and acting like they're speaking to someone lesser. (And the weird fetishisation of other races is also a thing!! Fathethriel was just explicitly weird about half-orcs and it reminded me of fetishisation of black men specifically. Though I'm not gonna draw too many similarities between racism based on our concept of it and literal difference in species bc it's a lot more varied and also complicated lol.)

So yes. Elven prejudice totally checks out. Especially high-elven prejudice. What intrigues me more is that humans are in a position of power as well. Humans aren't special, they have no remarkable abilities other than perhaps the resilience that has kept their people relevant for so long even without being remarkable. Is that it? It might be. I think that in official dnd lore elves think of humans as fascinating because they do so many things in so little time, bending over backwards to innovate over and over again so that they might catch a glimpse of the change that they're really leaving for the next generation of their feeble people.

There's also a high chance that humans just fuck a lot! Personal headcanon, idk. I just think that in fantasy worlds it's the most likely that humans are so prevalent because there's simply too much of them for them to not be relevant? We don't reproduce or mature that fast compared to other mammals and we usually only have one or two children at a time, but it's not unreasonable to think that most other races either carry children for longer or just have, like, a lower sex drive?? Less natural instinct for reproduction? Elves or dwarves live really long so they could hypothetically have a bunch of children, sure, but why the rush? They have so much time! Let's focus on devoting life to the craft be that magic or blacksmithing or whatever. This logic doesn't hold up with, like, Orcs. But this is where the first point comes in again. Probably a mix of the two. Also somewhere here I have to mention that humans are the only species that seems to regularly cross over with others (half-orcs and half-elves). Are humans especially fertile? Is this, again, a high drive for reproduction thing? A half-human is still technically a human and there's a chance that in war-ridden times they would have sided with humans. Sure, they might follow their other heritage, but if humans are the only ones that spread out like this then they are at a biological advantage when it comes to sheer numbers. (Also I personally like to think that children from parents of two different races, if able to be conceived at all, are always infertile? This is, like, mule logic.)

So uhm, yeah. I think it's a mix of those two things? Humans get to be important by refusing to die out. Elves probably find them to be, like, crude.

This was originally just gonna be about Fabian's gender non conformity idk what happened.

#rambling into the void #fantasy high #dimension 20 #fabian aramais seacaster #him specifically because I'm autistic #gender talk #fantasy racism #?? for some reason #really lost the point of this one #headcanons

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poughkeepsies · 6 months ago

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so like the thing for me is I love bi buck. like hes truly living his best life and I hope he keeps getting to be happy and oliver is truly killing it and I love the first kiss scene. for me its just like... now why am I supposed to care about bucktommy specifically at all. its like tommy is hovering slightly above ali relevancy but below abby or taylor relevancy. and actually I think this episode was a good step for them but like... I want more if I'm supposed to root for their relationship to succeed. we dont even really know why tommy is interested in buck. not to mention tommy never really showed development from the begins episodes it was all just implied? In general I think theres an opportunity to do more there that just hasnt been used (also outside the show lou's cameos and the weird fetishy fans that are only watching for bucktommy dont help lol)

I mean I don't really have an answer for why you should care about or like bucktommy specifically to be honest. you fuck with them or you don't (though. relevancy is certainly a Peculiar way to rank buck's love interests? personally I think the fact that tommy shows this much genuine interest in buck should set him above taylor and abby but I'm not here to play categories) but to your other points -

yeah I have no clue what you mean by why tommy is interested in buck. never has any couple on this show sat down at the beginning of their relationship and read out a list of what traits attract them to each other to the audience. why does any other character in this show like buck? considering they've all seen him at his best and his worst I would assume it's because they know him in all his shades and love him for it. I can't be sure though, none of them have ever sat down to tell me. considering tommy has ALSO seen buck at some of his worst behavior, I'd assume it's because he's looked under the armor and liked what he's seen too.

continuing on this theme, I'm ALSO confused by what you mean by his development is implied. of course it would be. before this season he was barely a side character. the story wasn't about him, why would they waste the other characters begins episodes on developing HIM. not to mention they still do manage to do a fair bit of that just by showing you how he's changed. also, considering he was just reintroduced THIS season (and THIS THIS season of all seasons. 30 high stakes storylines packed in each episode of an already shortened season season) I think it's a bit ridiculous to expect them to have done more with his character and this relationship than they've already managed to do. I don't know how long he's staying or how much more we're gonna get but that there's so much opportunity for more as you say is WHY this storyline is so enjoyable to so many people

and describing everyone who joined the fandom because of bucktommy fetishy is certainly. A Choice. that you are making right now. that I can easily call out for being a very homophobic one at that. BUT I will choose to give you the benefit of a doubt and assume you're only talking about those new fans who discredit henren and michael having been here from the very beginning to consider bucktommy as the only queer rep this show has done. at which point I would just point out that I can understand that but frankly buddie fans would have been and probably will be even more insufferable in this respect so I don't see how that's a bucktommy issue

my overall review: you're asking the wrong questions bud. it's fine if you don't like them!! it's fine if you like them well enough but don't really care!! it's fine if you think you could like them if they do it right!! just enjoy what you enjoy and ignore the rest but these are not valid Concerns about bucktommy. To Me. sorry

#why am i engaging in discourse i dont want to do that actually #weewoo brainrot

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vigilskeep · 2 years ago

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What makes Leliana the worst written companion in your opinion? Genuinely curious, she’s my fav and I hate the Chantry lol.

oh it’s not like i’m bashing her personally for being a chantry girl! there are a lot of well written characters with opinions i don’t agree with at all, i think wynne for example is by contrast easily one of the best in dao

i just don’t find dao leliana very well written on a technical level. her character is confusing and not imo in a good complex realistic way. it’s like they wanted to write a nice chantry girl next door to contrast morrigan and also their orlesian bard concept and they decided to just staple the two characters together. her personal quest is terrible, with some of the worst dialogue AND voice acting in the game (seriously? marjolaine outright saying “you ARE me” in the worst french accent i’ve ever heard? constantly calling her “my leliana”? has anyone here heard of show don’t tell for the love of god can i get an ounce of subtlety.) when she chips in during game dialogue it’s always to be “nice” in a flat, non-specific way that generally rings hollow for me, i don’t find it convincing or endearing or entertaining. none of that game dialogue ties in at all to the conclusion of her personal quest where we’ll suddenly act like leliana being anything like marjolaine is relevant despite her not being capable of manipulating a kitten. (she came directly up to the warden and told them she was joining them because god told her to. everyone the warden was with immediately thought she was crazy. sophisticated bard!) her banters are a contradictory mess where this supposed trained entertainer/spy is incredibly easily riled and tricked and scandalised by any member of the party, where she’s at once described as boyish with ragged hair and frigid because she’s too afraid of messing up her hair, and where despite her layered past she displays an incredibly shallow naive and worst of all uninteresting idea of morality

sorry for how damning all that sounds JGSJSJSKSKS. i promise i love leliana and in dai i think she’s brilliant i adore every scene. i’m just always frustrated by her writing in dao i don’t think it comes together. i don’t expect people to agree and personally i would love to be convinced otherwise but there it is

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ladybeug · 1 year ago

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was scrolling thru your art tag enjoying your comics when i suddenly discovered you were the one that wrote strangers in the bright lights. having gotten into miraculous only very recently, was tickled to experience a very small identity shenanigan of my own

incredible fic btw; i love it soooooo much. brilliant, hilarious, sweet, poignant. out of curiosity have you read much postww1 modernist stuff? i adored the usage of free indirect discourse for the narration, drunken and in motion and alive, almost reminded me of virginia woolf in a weird way lol. sorry if this is weird

Hello!! I'm about to get long-winded and self indulgent in this reply, fair warning :)

here goes:

Wow!! I don’t know how you found strangers in the bright lights if you got into ladybug in any time frame that can be described as “very recently”, I wrote that in 2018 when I was digesting some personal stuff and in a fantastic ladybug renaissance (of which I have now had several, I think I’ll die in this fandom).

But I’m so glad you somehow did. I only write every couple of years when I get really specific ideas, and the time I spend on it turns into memories of who I was when I wrote it. I feel like that must happen to actual writers too, ones who write often, but I haven’t written “often” since like 2009 and have never asked, so there you go.

But I guess that’s all to say that I am very attached to that story and it’s also one of the only things I’ve written that still feels like it hit the chord I was aiming for. It is so cool that anyone still reads it!!

To actually answer your question: I have never read virginia woolf, and the only modernist stuff I've read was years ago for school classes. I have to admit none of the style was inspired by classics, but instead inspired by the weird disassociation of trying to be alone in a crowd.

I have a final self-indulgent thought, it is a fun fact I realized as I was going down memory lane about this:

I associate ‘strangers in the bright lights’ with a friendship I made that stands out as one of the luckiest and rarest friendships I’ve made – I went to a mountain goats concert alone, and stood up at the front early, and met someone else who had gone to the same mountain goats concert alone and had stood up at the front early. It was one of the fastest and most comfortable connections I’ve made, and we liked each other so much we stayed in touch, even after they moved away. We are still in touch every so often, and as far as I’m concerned in a few years they’re going to publish the best fantasy novel you’ve ever read, so watch out for that.

The fanfiction is in part inspired by that beautiful feeling of meeting someone new that you want to talk to, and they want to talk to you, and a drink or two has propped up your self esteem and you don’t have to worry about who you are tomorrow, just who you are right now. It’s escapism. You feel important, and carried by that feeling, for as long as you are there. Lonely who? Not me. Trapped by past versions of myself, who? Not me.

Anyways the fun fact is - I found out this morning that concert was a year AFTER I posted this fanfiction. I didn't know about that moment of my life as I was writing this. The two are so connected in my mind that this is genuinely surprising, but the concert was in September 2019 and I published the fanfic a year beforehand.

In the words of mr. mountain goat himself: we held on to hope of better days coming, and when we did we were right!

#i am also tickled to be involved in your ML secret identity shenanigan #its absolutely wild to me when people find my ladybeug blog AFTER they find something else i did - bc this blog is my biggest platform by f #r #anyways thank you again for the kind words and the soapbox on which to share some of my thoughts #strangers in the bright lights

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tubbytarchia · 7 months ago

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Hi it’s love anon again I sent a few more of these and came back to yours and realised I wasn’t very specific and there is so many more cool things about you that I think deserve to be pointed out

First your most recent art genuinely such an amazing piece I didn’t realise that was you at first but oh my god. The detail in the fish and art is so impressive. And the colours look so good together and I love the way the paint strokes look. Also your line choice there is so devasting in such a beautiful way. I can’t describe what I love about it but god it’s amazing

My personal favourite art piece is probably Jimmy and Tango with their two kids. I love the way they while the Warden’s colours contrast everyone else it still manages to fit in the scene. And Jimmy and tango their are so cute. I love the festival you’ve put into their designs they are so clearly recognisable as who they’re meant to be. And their expressions show so much love to their kids it’s great. Also the chicken is really cute.

I love your whole Jimmy and Doc thing by the way. Not only is it the sweetest story I love that you have created something out of so few interactions. Clearly you care enough about these people and characters to create your own relationships with them. And create art out of it. That is such an amazing thing

Also someone called you the number 1 Jimmy understander one time and I have to emphasise how true that is. You know that character so well you can even predict how he would act around certain people. It’s clear that your really care about Jimmy and I think that’s so cool.

So ignore the hate anons they suck we’re here and we love you and what you create

(Also the only thing I personally disagree with is I don’t like commenting on if the teasing is funny from an out of character perspective personally cause I think it can be a little uncomfortable but it’s completely fair to express if you think it’s uninteresting or unfunny)

Sorry I took awhile to answer this cause I wasn't sure how to to express my gratitude in full but I don't think I can!! lol, but, awh... Thank you love anon, this means a lot to me and you remembering and calling back to a much older drawing of mine as your favorite really says a lot. If even a silly old drawing like that can stick in people's minds, that makes me really happy

I appreciate you agreeing with the Jimmy statement lol?? That is still such high praise but uwaah there's so many other great if not better Jimmy understanders if even ones that disagree with some of my opinions but still have very valid ones of their own y'know!! But I do care him a lot... my sweet cheese... and it always makes my day when anyone shows like towards the Jimmy&Doc stuff!! I'm so happy if people can see my vision even if it's very niche!!

Thank you again love anon and I appreciate you pointing out a disagreement too!! Thank you for going on this crusade to spread peace and love lol, combating hate with love is the best thing ever

#blabber #bawling rolling on the floor sobbing

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 2 years ago

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Settlement

hiii feel free to ignore this if ur not taking request(im sorry if thats the case) but i love your roman angst fics and i know this isnt very specific but could you make some more roman hurt/comfort with janice? other than that i just really want to say is your writing is excellent, i think how you describe wanting to disappear really accurately(if that makes sense lol). as someone who has many issues with that when you write it it makes it feel more real. <3 – anon

Read on AO3

Warnings: none

Pairings: roceit, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 1375

Some rivalries are best put to rest.

"Hey, you okay?"

Roman looked up and quickly wiped his eyes. Janus stood a few feet away, hands twisted into his cloak. "Yes. I'm—I'm fine."

He scuffed his boot against the carpet. "Well, you don't seem fine."

Shit. "Look—" he pushed himself to sit a little straighter, plastering a smile on his face— "really, really, I'm okay."

Janus gave him a look, eyes narrowing. Roman swallowed. His hands balled into fists and he looked down.

"Just go away, please?"

I'm not gonna cry in front of you. I'm not going to fucking cry in front of you. You're not getting the satisfaction.

Distantly, he heard footsteps get closer, then rustling of clothes as someone sat next to them.

"…I know I may not be the someone you want to talk to," came the quiet voice, "but I…"

He swallows.

"Obviously I'm capable of leaving you like this."

Roman's fists clenched. "You're never had a problem leaving me like this before."

Janus makes a noise of surprise. "I've never left you like this!"

Anger flared bright and bitter and Roman's head snapped up, glaring. "Yes, you have, I've just never let you see it!"

At the sight of Janus' mouth falling open in shock, he drew back a little. He's—okay, he may have never let Janus see how badly he was hurt, but he'd never seen Janus so visibly hurt. Not like this, at any rate. He decided he didn't like it.

After a few seconds, he looked at the ground again, absentmindedly chewing his lip.

Shouldn't have yelled. Should've been nicer. After all, here Janus was, genuinely trying to be supportive and what was Roman doing? Being a jerk, like always, and it's not Janus' burden to suffer.

"Just leave," he mumbled, hugging his knees to his chest, "you don't have to feel bad about it or anything. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

He missed the way Janus looked over, hurt and guilt fading behind concern as he watched goosebumps begin to rise under the thin white sleeve of Roman's costume. He missed the way his expression softened further, gaze flicking over his face once more. He missed the way Janus took a deep breath, as if pondering something, before letting it out as he came to a decision.

"Hey," he said quietly, nudging Roman until he looked up, "I'm going to do an impression of you."

Roman's chest clenched. If Janus was just going to mock him—

He gasped as warm hands cupped his cheeks, gentle fingers tucking bits of hair behind his ears.

"Shh," Janus murmured, his voice gentler than Roman had ever heard it, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's going to be alright. You're going to be okay. I'm right here."

Roman's eyes widened, breath catching in his throat. Janus shifted closer, one hand cupping the back of his head as another began to gently brush the tears from his face.

"I know it's hard right now," he murmured, still far, far too soft, "but you're doing great. I'm here for you, however you want me to be."

"H-how—"

A bit of the Janus he recognized reappeared as he smiled. "I told you, I'm doing an impression of you."

Roman stared at him, gaze darting over his face to try and find the lie, the trick, the deception that must be there. "But how did you—"

"Figure out it's what you needed too?" He brushed away another tear. "It's like you said, isn't it? 'We all eventually become the person we needed when no one was there?'"

"…you remember that?"

Janus blinked, a light pink dusting the top of his ears as he looked away. "I do listen to you, Roman."

If the warm hands on his face weren't still sending volts and jitters through his body, perhaps he wouldn't have asked. But the tenderness had blindsided him and he did.

"…what else is in this impression of me?"

"Well, normally, you ask if someone wants advice or if they just want you to listen." Roman nodded, still taken aback that Janus knew that. "Are you asking why I didn't do that?"

At his nod, Janus smiled and shifted, easing a cramp in his leg.

"I've seen you ask Patton and Logan," he said, "and the two of them jump to giving you advice, don't they? As if you haven't already thought of plans A-Z and tried everything yourself, Creativity."

The role, thrown in his face so often, sounds dangerously close to an endearment as it leaves Janus' mouth.

"So I figured you probably wouldn't want that."

Janus…knew that. He'd watched—he'd seen Patton and Logan try to help him when he was upset. And somehow he'd known—he knew it was wrong.

Guilt about snapping at him earlier settled heavily in his stomach.

"I didn't know you cared."

Janus paused, hands stilling. He swallowed, ears flushing again but this time, he held his gaze.

"I do," he said clearly. "Care, that is."

Far away, a car drove down the street, dull roars fading into silence. Roman swallowed and nodded.

Fuck it.

"Yeah?" Janus smiled as Roman inched a little closer. "Would you like some comfort?"

Roman nodded again, almost frantically. Janus just held out his arms.

"C'mere, then."

The angle was awful. Their knees were in each other's ribcages. Their shoulders wouldn't fit together. The sofa started digging into their legs, but it was perfect.

When was the last time someone held him like this?

"Hang on, let me just—" Janus moved his leg, sitting almost sideways on the sofa so Roman could scoot into the open space— "there."

One hand cupped the back of his head, another rubbing his back. He was so there, so warm and solid and so much better than sitting alone in the dark on the cold couch. The sobs he'd worked so hard to trap in his chest tore from his throat.

"Hey, hey," came the soft voice, "shh-shh-shh, it's okay, you're safe."

He felt the hold on him shift as Janus started to pull away and flailed, grabbing hold of him before he could let go. Sillily, selfishly, stupidly—

"Whoa, whoa, easy sweetie, I'm not going anywhere?" A finger tilted his chin up. "Are you okay? Am I hurting you? No? Okay."

Slowly, the arms returned, holding loosely at first before Roman whimpered and it tightened.

"Let it out," Janus murmured, "it's okay. I won't go anywhere."

He cried.

Janus held him the whole time, occasionally murmuring things like you're safe, I've got you, or try and match your breathing to mine, that's it, or shh, shh, I'm right here, I'm right here.

Eventually, he sagged against him, exhausted. Janus chuckled gently, helping him adjust until he was practically dipped in his arms. He brushed away some of the hair and smiled as Roman shifted, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"That seemed like a lot," he said quietly, "you feel any better?"

"Face is all poufy. And my head hurts."

"Yeah, crying will do that."

"Which one?" Janus just grinned. Roman sniffled again.

"Thank you."

Instead of something like no problem, or you owe me, Janus suddenly looked nervous. "I, um, forgot something. Of my impression of you."

"What?"

Janus leaned down and slowly pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Oh.

Why did you do that? How did you know I do that? How many times have you seen me do that? How many times have you wanted to do that? How come I didn't get to kiss you first?

What came out instead was: "You're gonna make me cry again."

"Okay," Janus whispered, kissing his forehead again, "crybaby."

The nickname never sounded so sweet.

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance@whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti@ultrageekygirl

#sanders sides #fic #dragonbabbles #roman sanders #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit

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maya-matlin · 1 year ago

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Ashton, aka the Master of Meta!!! I would love to hear you compare and contrast Brucas and Dair---what you see as their similarities, what you see as their differences, why you personally prefer one over the other etc. And do you think Blair was genuinely in love with Dan? Obviously there's no rush answering!

😭 Okay, you're way too nice to me. I'm really not. I can barely get my point across. But thank you LOL

So first things first, I'm not nearly as familiar with Gossip Girl as I am One Tree Hill. I liked the first two seasons, but my interest waned after that aside from the Dair arc. Most likely, this won't be a satisfying answer, but I'll do my best.

In terms of similarities, the obvious is that aesthetically Lucas/Dan and Brooke/Blair are similar. Both Lucas and Dan are introverted, bookish, aspiring authors. They have notable judgmental streaks and a strong moral compass, initially looking down on the popular crowd/upper east side. Brooke and Blair are very much the unquestioned queen bees of their high schools. Both girls are interested in fashion and end up running a company in that field. Like Brooke with Peyton, Blair has insecurities re: Serena and their past struggle over a boy who cheated on her with her best friend.

However, Lucas and Dan are different because frankly, for all of Dan's complaints about being "lesser", he's still far more privileged than Lucas. The Humphreys never had a bottomless pit of money, but Dan was still able to go to a prestigious private school. Lucas is much more impulsive and hot blooded than Dan. Dan tends to handle conflict by using his words rather than his fists aside from in specific circumstances. Honestly, Brooke and Blair are probably more different than they are similar. Blair started the series romanticizing the idea of sex, wanting to share her first time with Nate at the perfect moment until she impulsively slept with Chuck. By the time we meet Brooke, who was the same age as season 1 Blair, she'd been sexually active for quite some time and wasn't necessarily looking to commit. While adult Brooke seems to have some regrets about being "easy", at the time it didn't seem to be something she was ashamed of. Brooke is naturally a very warm person. She's pretty much always the life of the party. In spite of Blair's extroversion, she comes across as cold, lacking Serena's natural charisma. Maybe it's because the Gossip Girl characters are generally pretty trashy people with an absurd amount of privilege, but Blair is far crueler than Brooke on her worst day.

I feel like Brucas and Dair are again, aesthetically similar. They seem like they'd have more in common than they do. But ultimately, I feel like Brooke and Lucas had an undeniable physical chemistry. The emotional connection came later and needed to be developed whereas it was easy for them to fall into bed shortly after beginning a relationship. Their first relationship mostly consisted of having fun and having sex. While Brooke fell hard for Lucas, he was still preoccupied with the idea of Peyton and didn't appreciate what he had. Dan and Blair were the opposite. They spent multiple seasons tolerating each other for the sake of Serena all the while interestingly having multiple bonding moments prior to becoming best friends. It was only after developing a friendship and discovering an emotional and intellectual connection that a physical connection became possible. I feel like I'm describing this badly, but it's not that I think Dan and Blair were naturally repelled by each other. Dan and Blair rarely took the time to truly see each other outside of their personal relationships with Serena. Blair was everything Dan thought he hated. Dan was supposed to be beneath Blair, the exact opposite of what she was looking for in a partner.

Both couples took a long time to enter a serious relationship. Brooke and Lucas had much more baggage considering Lucas's past with Peyton the first time around, but eventually Lucas convinced Brooke she was the only girl he wanted and that his feelings were genuine. Blair had to basically make multiple mistakes with both Louis and Chuck before realizing she'd fallen for Dan and that he was the one who actually loved her exactly for who she was. Both Dan and Lucas spent time pining for Blair and Brooke, keeping their feelings a secret for a long time for the sake of putting the girls first. But in time, both Lucas and Dan initiated kisses with Brooke and Blair, making their feelings known. Brooke and Blair needed time to process how they were feeling and wanted to move forward. Brooke needed half a season to allow herself to be vulnerable with Lucas again. It took Blair only (I think) two episodes to confess to Dan that he had her heart, not Chuck. And unfortunately, toxicity and horrible former relationships got between both relationships. One major difference is that unlike Lucas with Peyton (though I still maintain Lucas's alleged feelings for Peyton during seasons 2 and 3 weren't demonstrated well at all and mostly seem to be there with hindsight and Skills being used as a mouthpiece for the writers to try to shoehorn in an LP reunion in season 4), I get the impression Dan let go of Serena long before dating Blair. His feelings lingered during season 3 and part of season 4, but once Dan and Blair began to bond it was obvious his heart was with Blair. Apparently, season 5 ended with Dan cheating on Blair with Serena after she lied, saying she picked Chuck over him. Full disclosure, I haven't seen this episode. I have yet to watch season 6. I will eventually, but for now I feel validated for not giving those episodes any ratings. I guess that's sort of comparable to the school shooting kiss, only much more sketchy on Serena's end considering she both manipulated Dan and TAPED IT. There's no version of Chuck for Brooke, thank god. The worst Brooke had to deal with on OTH was irrelevant Felix and the teacher she dated for a couple of episodes. One major difference is that until Julian, Lucas was Brooke's greatest love. Dan was Blair's third or possibly even fourth love. I don't think Blair ever allowed herself to think in terms of Dan being the right guy for her. The toxicity of Chuck and Blair made it so that the relationship she'd shared with him seemed to be the more significant one. It was larger than life with constant ups and downs, with Chuck always whispering in her ear that the alternative, aka a real, healthy, truly loving relationship, would be boring. And because Blair is obviously just as terrible and dark as Chuck is, she couldn't possibly be satisfied with anything else. 🙄 But I digress. So in the end, Blair defaulted back to the familiar rather than the unknown while Dan straight up settled for Serena. Well.. at least out of the four endgames (Lucas/Peyton, Brooke/Julian, Dan/Serena, Blair/Chuck), Brooke's relationship with Julian was healthy.

I think the reason I prefer Brucas over Dair is that I'm much more familiar with their love story and the show as a whole than Gossip Girl or the relationship between Dan and Blair. While I think Penn and Leighton had good chemistry, the Chad/Sophia chemistry was something else. I loved Brucas first. I'm also somewhat a sucker for second chance romances where the guy realizes how badly he'd screwed up in the past and puts in actual effort to win back the girl he loves. LOL I guess it's my toxic trait. There was something so iconic about the Brooke/Lucas relationship. Even when things got messy, I still enjoyed watching it. Dan and Blair were also great, but I have such negative feelings about the show itself and ultimately felt shortchanged by their romantic relationship. What we did get was great, but it didn't last very long. It was truly the Rachel and Joey equivalent of Gossip Girl, and I hate that.

YES. I do think Blair was in love with Dan. I think the love Blair had for Dan was the kind that developed slowly, catching her completely off guard. It was a mature and healthy love based firmly in friendship and mutual support. Dan saw the real, vulnerable Blair rather than just her manipulative, cold, outer shell. Unfortunately, Blair had been conditioned to both think this type of love was all wrong for her, and had been fucked up by years of Chuck's emotional abuse and manipulations. In a version of the show where Gossip Girl had an actual happy ending and allowed its characters to evolve into the best versions of themselves rather than sending the message that they're destined to become their parents, Blair would have stayed with Dan. The story would have followed what it had been setting up since late season 3 (or possibly even before that if you consider their conversation in the fourth episode) through late season 5.

#Anonymous #Long post #Honestly you praise me so much that I'm scared people are going to think I'm sending myself compliments :p

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