#is that a dinof joke you may never know

[snailsandstrawberries]

Me, shakingly opening tumblr every morning: dan and phil please,, im begging you,,,, act normal for once,,, i dont want to see screaming on my dash at 7 am

My dash: literally on fire

[catboydan]

tell me what the video Basically, I’m Gay means to you?

I think it’d be easier to list all the things it doesn’t mean to me than the things it does lmao

but fr, BIG was the video that got me here in the first place. I remember seeing it and all the hype—I knew who dnp were at the time, but all I’d be able to tell you at the time was it was a pretty big deal he was coming out. BIG is so well-written, well-presented, it drew me in right away. I clicked for the fact that a lot of people were talking about it; I came out of it wanting more.

So I got more. So I started with Dan’s vids, especially stuff similar to BIG like Trying to Live My Truth, and was pretty much hooked right away. Didn’t take long to end up on Phil’s channel too, +dnpg. Consumed it all like mad.

So I logged into my old unused tumblr for the first time in maybe 6 or 7 years and started following. That action alone has done me so so much good.

When BIG came out I was 20. I was knee-deep in the “trying to figure out who I am” shit. More specifically, I was trying desperately to ditch the younger version of myself, the fucking redditor since I was like 10, surrounded by misogyny, who “wasn’t like other girls” (even if I’d never say it aloud). I was trying to allow myself to be a woman in a world that despises and mocks anything woman-centric. I was coming out of a lifelong depression for the first time after a decade of almost total apathy, and frankly, I was learning how to handle emotions again.

BIG kicked me in the stomach. In a good way. I cried. I didn’t know this man and I cried. It helped me realize that I love learning about other peoples’ experiences, ones that I may never have, and how wonderful it is to be able to share our lives with the world in this way and learn about each other’s unique perspectives. I especially love (and relate to) the way Dan explains things so meticulously. I was rediscovering passion after having lost it for so long; BIG helped bring some of it back to me.

I got into the phandom here, something teenage me would have absolutely cringed at myself for. Even though I’d never dare judge anyone here for liking what they like, I didn’t know how to give myself that same grace. After what, five? years here, now I’ve finally been able to allow myself to enjoy what I like. The amazing community I’ve found myself in has been such a catalyst for this, and I’d never have gotten here without BIG.

So yeah. BIG’s pretty good. I used to watch it every day at work while prepping Pizza Hut pastas. I used to watch it as I tried to stave off a depressive episode, sitting in the bath eating candy, desperate for any happiness at all, before I got my ADHD diagnosis and meds. It never failed to make me laugh too cuz frankly, its funny moments are great. That bit where he looks at the tag of his jacket and it says HIGHLY FLAMMABLE gets me every single time. I live for dinof-related jokes. (And tbh, as aforementioned, being on reddit for so long, seeing shitty watercolour come so far puts a smile on my face too.)

idk. This is rambly and I’m not sure if I got everything across, but that’s because I kind of love that video so much it’s hard to contain it in one little post. Thanks for the ask, anon (and possibly the other asks recently too, if you’re the same anon) :)

[kae-karo]

pls post your mine hcs!!! i would love to hear them b

hi b! for context (x) okay i should clarify, i shouldn’t have called them hcs as i think people take that with a lot of connotation to mean ‘i actually think this happened/would happen’ when really it’s more like...

okay. if i were to write a fic with dnp as characters who exist exactly as we see them (as in, we know everything abt their personalities, which irl we absolutely do not) then this is how i imagine the character of dan would see most of the songs on ‘a brief inquiry into online relationships’ and why he would say that he feels ‘personally attacked by literally every song on this album’ - to be clear, i don’t think this is actually what dan thinks! please treat this as fiction!

bear with me bc i wanna talk abt some of the others first (i also wanted to include the links to the genius interviews where matt talks abt some of the meanings behind the songs, but it doesn’t have all of them so check out the lyrics as well)

give yourself a try (x) - i mean obviously this is the one dan felt he related to most/felt most safe posting about how he related to it/was personally attacked by it, but the whole thing is like. being yourself, and like? embracing yourself? as a person? as whoever you truly are? and they keep coming back to the idea of authenticity with this whole album, and i think that’s part of why dan would be so ‘attacked’ by this album bc he’s in the throes of his own search for authenticity

love it if we made it (x) - this one’s fun bc it’s basically all about how fucked up society is and like. all the things that’ve gone wrong, how society is just so beyond messed up, and it’s like. yes. all of this is so wrong, messed up, but there’s hope? like we can be self-aware, we can make differences, and i would imagine dan listening to this and feeling like. maybe torn? because there are some things where he’s trying to make a difference but some where he would want to but not know how? so y’know personal attack on him in the sense that it’s a personal attack on everyone - we’re all complicit, in a way, and part of it is just because we know all this is happening but how much do any of us try to enact change? i imagine that’s something that keeps dan up at night, tbh. i mean the man spent an hour picking up snails off a sidewalk so they wouldn’t get squished

be my mistake (x) - this one is interesting bc the artist explains it’s really just about guilt, on a deeper level, and about not knowing what you want? ultimately even tho it’s about like a hookup with someone you don’t know that you really want, i think dan would take this more at the deep level of like. having no idea what he wants in life (something he’s said before, multiple times) and? perhaps in a sense, going back to things that he knows don’t actually represent what he wants (ie, that don’t feel authentic) but knowing the outcome and maybe just feeling safe or at least feeling something significant from them, maybe like he’s fulfilling what other people want of him by doing these things even if they don’t quite feel like him

sincerity is scary (x,x) - i think this is one of the ones dan would feel calls him out the most - it’s all about a person’s relationship with social media, authenticity, and self-perception over external perception? so like. the entire first verse is all about hiding behind a mask of irony and like. i think for dan that’s a hard-hitting callout? and i don’t just mean his whole brand of how everything was done/said ‘ironically’, more that even now he hides his fears behind jokes and such, bc that’s a culturally relevant way to do things (’you try and mask your pain in the most post-modern way’). the whole idea is like. if you’re being ironic, if you’re masking everything behind jokes and insincerity, you can’t actually be judged the way you can if you’re authentic and sincere? so like. there’s dan’s fear of judgment plastered all over this song, his fear of people looking at him for who he is and disliking it or perceiving it in a way he doesn’t like (’and why would you believe you could control how you’re perceived when at your best you’re intermediately versed in your own feelings’) it’s like. and he’s said this a couple times now, but he doesn’t always know why he does/thinks certain things, there’s not always a reasoning behind it, and i think that for him, that contributes to his struggles with authenticity. i think this is really doubly intriguing when ttlmt is taken into account as well? bc he specifically says that for ‘some people’ (aka him i mean this is known at this point) unless they’re being honest with themselves, they won’t feel free. and i think that’s like. dan’s internal struggle right now/this past year: how to balance his evident need for authentic and honest self-expression with his deep-rooted fear of judgment of his authentic self. i mean read the damn title of the song, sincerity is scary

i like america & america likes me (x) - i’m sure there’s a deeper meaning to how dan would interpret it (aside from the obvious and intentional callout about guns in america) but all i can think about is talking about being on fire, being a liar, ‘is that designer?’ etc, and the death of dinof. but also y’know about calling out things that are Wrong 

the man who married a robot / love theme (x) - i think this one is maybe one that dan felt absolutely viscerally attacked by, this is a direct callout on his relationship with the internet and his audience. it’s presented as a relationship, a friendship, a love, but like if you step back and go ‘this is about a person and an audience’ it’s so so much more heartbreaking. i mean the internet saying ‘i love you very very much...i never ever want us to be apart ever again ever’ like that’s us that’s literally us we want constant content from them? and i think for a time, dan did feel like he would want that. because that’s fame, right? ‘and he would always always agree with him. this was the man’s favorite’ i know this is a commentary on like generally the culture of the internet but i have a feeling this is something dan would feel p hard. but i would imagine ‘i feel like i can tell you anything’ is the part that would be the most gutting, bc he put so so much of himself out here for us. and i would also wonder how hard the abruptness of the ending would hit - the sudden ‘and then he died’ after ‘man does not live by bread alone’, the acknowledgement that dan couldn’t just survive on his audience (and, more extensively, the internet), and how 1. he could still die lonely, had that been how he felt (i don’t think he does, but diversifying oneself and one’s relationships is emphasized here) and 2. the almost insignificance of an online presence, in objective terms, like. all that’s left of this lonely person is his facebook. i think that ties in really strongly with dan’s desire to leave something physical behind, like tabinof and dapgo and the ii dvd, something as physical evidence they existed and made an impact

inside your mind (x) - so concept is just...seeing inside your partner’s head? and like i feel like that’s something dan would want, or care a lot about, in some sense. a bit violent, lyrically, but i wouldn’t doubt that he cares (or, perhaps at a time in his past, cared) about it quite a lot some days. i think he just really cares about what other people think about him, probably especially phil, but also like the deep desire to understand someone? esp someone you love

it’s not living (if it’s not with you) (x) - okay this one’s very straight up about heroin addiction but i would definitely wonder if dan felt it like. in connection to phil in some ways? and i know the easy connection would be that dan wouldn’t be able to stop thinking abt phil and uwu it’s not living if it’s not with phil but the lyrics are actually quite dark? i would actually guess it had more to do with like. he couldn’t stop thinking about phil and wanting to like. be openly with phil (heyyy that authenticity yo) but also like. the repercussions of openly being in a mlm relationship on his life and his career at the time, and even now, ‘if i choose, then i lose’ like if he picks being open, there may be consequences in his career (although, more and more lately i wonder if he doesn’t care so much anymore), but ofc if he picks his career, he’s suffering from this lack of authenticity that’s haunted him for a while

i couldn’t be more in love (x) - so the whole song is more about a relationship with an audience/fanbase, and like what would happen if people just stopped caring and how like. putting so much time and effort into their relationship w. an audience and like, what about the creator’s feelings? i think dan would take that really seriously, like, we’re all really nice most of the time but what if we stopped caring? and like how would that affect him, after having given us nine+ years of himself? the other thing it touches on is the idea of just relying on ‘all the things that i did right’ ie depending on the things that made him popular, and i could see dan looking at that and wondering if he’s relied on that in the past, maybe this past year has been his attempt to move forward, or maybe his year of less activity (in the form of dinof vids) has been him relying on the things that got him where he is in order to keep his fanbase - so then, does that let him expand more, do more of the things he wants instead of, oh, idk, giving the people what they want? or does he feel obligated to do more of what the people want, since that’s what got him where he is?

i always wanna die (sometimes) (x) - it’s a meme but generally like. existence is exhausting? and that’s the whole idea? like god sometimes just doing stuff day to day is so so tiring, and i think that’s something that resonates with dan? and there’s a lot of other meaning about like death n stuff, and like. some days suck but you have to keep going? bc your life doesn’t just affect you it affects everyone and maybe that’s motivation for you maybe it isn’t but you have to realize that giving up is also something that affects everyone. maybe that’s something dan would see in relation to his depression and phil, and how resigning himself can really harm those around him as well

kay now the fun one

mine (x) - this whole fucking thing is a testament to dnp i can’t even fucking type correctly rn bc i’m so passionate abt this okay. literally the opening and closing lines are ‘there comes a time in a young man's life / he should settle down and find himself a wife / but i'm just fine cause i know that you are mine’ like if you try to tell me for a single fucking second that’s not dnp i will come to your house and make you listen to it on repeat until u understand okay. but like. that’s their whole thing right? they’re each other’s and that’s what matters? god i’m gonna literally do this (almost) line by line: ‘i fight crime online sometimes’ = dan’s desire to be this positive force on the internet. ‘and write rhymes i hide behind’ = oh dan’s diss track hmmm (but more generally, he makes jokes that he hides his fear and other things behind). ‘i’m fine if you are fine’ = oh u cannot tell me that’s not how dan feels? about phil? that he finds happiness in knowing phil’s happy? and then of fucking course ‘looking back on 2009 / when people said that it was raining all the time / i see sunshine cause i know you are mine’ oof that hits hard right in the feels okay dan definitely heard this and smiled his fucking face off cause u know in spite of whatever bullshit he had going on in 2009 he definitely still saw it as a bright spot in his life bc he met phil that’s just the truth. what i’m really interested in is the third verse ‘for some reason i just can’t say ‘i do’’ like. would dan possibly feel that way? i have no idea. but at the very least, it’s definitely something that dan would feel in some way, bc they’re not open abt their relationship and a marriage would obviously make it Very open. ugh sorry this one just hits hard and like. just knowing dnp have each other in whatever sense that actually means it’s like. physically painful in a good way. bless them