#is still present but it can be fulfilled all the time forever by beautiful perfect eddie who loves to give it to me

[buckdiazlafd]

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[echantedtoon]

A war riddled Lover returns- Some Kokushibo content based off the fanart above found on Pinterest, also an Xmas gift for @gilded-sunrays / @crescent-blades

@supernovacoffeestop

Warnings for death and blood mentioned.

"You look at me with cold eyes. You see me me and turn away as if you didn't know me."

"...Do I know you?"

"You know that I couldn't have shown you me. Gave you me. I couldn't show you my weakness so I put on a mask to see you but I still want you. A flower that resembles you blossomed in this garden of loneliness. I wanted to give it to you as I rip off this mask. But I know this can't go on forever."

Her eyes still gazed at the ground. Her body small but still so strong as to crush his soul. Rip his heart out to serve on a platter to herself but somehow still rejected the notion she could do that. The whole world sitting in her grasp yet she was completely naive to it or didn't care she had it.

"I will not satisfy your desires for more than what was agreed. I can accept your apologies but I cannot forgive."

"I have made peace with that notion. But I am not here to beg for forgiveness that I will never receive, for I have hurt you and I accept you're stubborn enough to always hold that grudge."

Her form was ever calm. Looking at him for what felt like a millennia of wait. Time vanishing and space darkening except for the gravitational orbit of beauty that revolved around his mind and shown through his sights since the day he laid his eyes on her visage.

"Then what is it do you seek from me, Michikatsu?"

"It's not what I seek. It's what I desire. Wishing that love is as perfect itself. Wishing all my weaknesses are hidden." The room fell sideways in his mind. An oozing feeling on continuous falling for her over and over again. Swallowed by the monster that demanded he claim and the beast that roared at him for everything he did wrong to be made right again. "In a life where nothing was ever genuine, you carved a piece out of my heart that will never feel complete unless you yourself abide by it's beating."

Her answer a head tilt. Eyes grazing the state he was in. Clawing through bodies. Ravaged by the onslaught of the horrors of war. No doubt such a sight she disliked but was more than ready to accept given the circumstances.

"What desire do you want that I haven't already given to you?"

Blood ran black fading to a possessive desire. A stark contrast the dripping liquid made compared to the delicate object the palm held out. Staining it purity by the blood of the slain and war. Presented to her gaze which widened slightly at soft petals. A beacon of softness in the blight around them.

A flower.

So delicate and small. It's once pure petals soaked in his tainted blood like some offering. The blood he was covered in was his own, caused by an enemy in battle no doubt, and karma for hurting her by leaving in the first place.

"Accept my devotion and become my wife. A place not beneath but beside me. For we were lovers before we were ever born in this world. My name shall be your own, your blood shall be mine, and all combinations of life will be one. Accept all of me, as I already have all of you."

She stared at him like that he told her was the most foolish thing he ever said. Heart racing. Eyes staring. Her hand slowly reaching out to him. His eyes widening as the desire he's been wanting finally being fulfilled- Until she stopped.

Her lungs filled with a shaking breath. "....Finish talking if you must, but I have no intention of bowing to a king who wears a crown studded with the jewels of every sin he committed. Who's hands are stained with every life he's taken."

For once he looked taken aback stopping just a few steps away from herself. "I-....Can not leave so easily."

"Then why?" Her face as cold as the blade he used, cutting him to the core with just her eyes. "It was so easy the first time."

"Why? You have got the arms I want to be wrapped in. You have got the eyes I want to get lost in. You have the smile I can never resist. You have got the voice I want to listen to for hours. I decided on you. I want you and only you."

"I fell in love with your words! Unfortunately they were all lies!"

"No. That's not true." His face unwavered as he approached her once more. "I didn't lie that I love you. It wasn't a lie before and it certainly isn't a lie now."

Her body did not give him the satisfaction of an embrace nor the courtesy of a smile as his other hand caressed her cheeks.

"You're a dangerous man."

"The most dangerous person is the one who listens, thinks, and observes."

"And that means what to me?"

His face unchanged as did hers as the two stared. Both in familiarity and as strangers to each other. Bound by a string he continued to refuse to be cut to untie them.

"I'm not so sure yet myself but for now..my mind is unchanged."

[aishangotome]

Ellis Twilight: Chapter 19

Chapter 18

Ellis: At that moment, I finally realized.

Ellis: That I was––happy to see my brother unable to live without me.

The scene Matthew saw and the scene Ellis saw.

Even though they were the same, the colors painting them were worlds apart.

Matthew's scene had slowly dissolved into sorrow over time.

But the scene within Ellis still vividly dominated his heart––.

Ellis: I didn't want my brother to suffer. I wanted him to be happy. That's true, but...

Ellis: I wanted him to stay by my side forever, unable to go anywhere...

Ellis: Using my brother's misfortune as an excuse, I... was trying to fulfill my own selfish desires.

Kate: That's not...!

I swallowed the words I was about to say.

If this is the Ellis I wanted to know––.

I should have always wanted to hear the story of himself told from his own lips.

No matter how painful, how agonizing, how unreasonable.

Ellis: ...That's why I locked it away deep, deep inside my heart, and sealed it shut.

--Ellis recalling his past--

It was a little while later that I learned about "wheelchairs."

Because it was a rural town, all I could do was imagine them from the stories I'd heard.

After many failures, I finally managed to make one that could carry a person.

It was a very sunny day.

I took my brother out and we raced up the hill where we used to compete.

My brother was laughing, and it was so much fun running around together like we used to...

As the sky began to be dyed with the pale purple hues of twilight, my brother said:

Older brother: "Right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

This moment, neither the end of day nor the beginning of night.

This moment, right now, is perfect, complete; there's no need for a future."

I truly felt the same way.

Because happiness is like the twilight sky, its colors quickly changing.

And as time passes, it becomes a terrible poison.

Older brother: So, let's end it now.

––I answered quite naturally.

As if he had invited me to go somewhere to play.

Ellis: Yeah... okay.

I want to lock away the happiness of this moment forever.

We were twins who weren't alike at all, but at that moment, both my brother and I were probably thinking the same thing.

Older brother: Thank you.

It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.

My brother held out the fruit knife he had to me.

I took it and stabbed him in the heart.

(Now, my brother will never be unhappy again.)

(Happiness has become his forever.)

--Back to present--

Ellis: I was so happy.

His gentle smile squeezed my heart painfully...

Kate: ...E-Ellis...

I couldn't help but pull Ellis's head towards me and embrace him.

He continued to speak, his face buried in my shoulder.

Ellis: But... when my father told me I was a murderous devil and that I should repent for my sin...

Ellis: ...I became confused.

Ellis: Maybe I––

Ellis: Didn't want my brother, who could go out into the world again in the wheelchair... to be able to go anywhere.

Ellis: The moment I doubted myself... my brother's happiness became fake.

The smile had vanished from Ellis's lips.

His chillingly expressionless face sent shivers down my spine.

Ellis: I learned this much later, after joining Crown...

Ellis: My curse of "Thorns"... is a curse that commits the sin of "binding."

(The sin of "Thorns"...)

*flashback*

Kate: Ellis, Jude. Can you tell me about your curses?

Ellis: Haven't we talked about this before?

Ellis: I'm cursed with "Thorns," and Jude is the "13th Magician."

Ellis: They say it's the curse that inspired "Sleeping Beauty."

*flashback over*

The first time I heard it, the image of Ellis's curse was very vague.

But now––I can see the thorns extending from his heart.

They wrap around his body many times over, digging into his skin, refusing to come off.

Ellis: Entangling, dragging in... binding so that they can't go anywhere.

Ellis: My desires bring misfortune to those I care about.

Kate: ...! ...

Ellis: That's why, this time, I want to do it properly... I want to kill them only for their sake.

Ellis: I want to make their happy moment last forever.

I was speechless.

The darkness Ellis had been carrying all along.

The unease I had felt.

The things I had pretended not to see.

It was––a pure, innocent killing intent.

Ellis: ...I want to make you happy too.

(Eh...)

I realized Ellis was staring at me.

His entwining gaze, like thorns, bound my heart and rendered me immobile.

Ellis: After you left with Jude and the others...

Ellis: I tried not to think about you, Kate, and just focused on work.

Ellis: I slept on the sofa because I would remember you if I got into bed.

Ellis: If it meant you could be happy, Kate...

Ellis: Holding hands, being together, falling in love... it should have been fine with someone else, anyone other than me.

What Ellis desires is "Kate's happiness."

It doesn't have to be Ellis himself who makes her happy.

––He certainly said that before.

Ellis: I thought... if we were apart, I could surely regain my composure.

Ellis: But...

Ellis suddenly moved closer.

Unhidden madness was visible in his eyes... and as I remained frozen, I was trapped between Ellis and the sofa, with nowhere to escape.

Ellis: ...You're so kind. Are you not running away because you're worried about me?

Kate: ...!

He grabbed my wrist, and as I lost my balance and fell onto my back, Ellis's shadow fell over me.

Ellis: ...I can't get you out of my mind, Kate.

His body loomed over me, blocking my view, and I couldn't see anything but Ellis's face.

Kate: Ellis...!

As I tried to sit up, Ellis used his body to stop me, cutting off my escape route.

The pendant hanging from his chest swayed before my eyes.

I watched with bated breath as it occasionally reflected the green of the potted plant.

Ellis: When I was pushing your wheelchair...

Ellis: As much as I wanted you to get better soon, I also thought it would be nice if things stayed like this forever.

Ellis: When I'm with you... I gradually lose sight of your happiness.

Ellis was clearly acting strangely.

His twilight eyes were peering intently at me, searching for "my happiness"... and his hand intertwined with mine, as if trying to grasp the "happiness" he couldn't find.

If he held me down, I really wouldn't be able to escape––but I couldn't even bring myself to move.

Ellis: I've been trying so hard to keep it sealed... Before I become even more selfish...

Ellis: I wish you could just be happy.

Kate: ...!

Before I knew it, our lips were pressed together.

Kate: E-Ellis––... Mm...Nn...!

His tongue slipped into my surprised, open mouth.

Kate: Nn... Hah...

His tongue chased mine as it darted around inside my mouth, and they intertwined deeply.

The wet sounds stirred my shame, but my skin tingled sweetly, and my head spun dizzily to the point where I could barely breathe.

I was assaulted by a multitude of new sensations––my heart was in turmoil.

(He rejected me last time, so why...?)

But when I looked up at him questioningly, Ellis also had an expression of someone drowning in madness and pleasure––.

(...Ellis is also in turmoil.)

It wasn't just me who didn't know what to do.

Ellis: Ha...!

Kate: Ah...Nn...!

My body jumped at the kiss that stirred my heart, and my leg, which had been dangling off the sofa, bumped against it––the delicate side table toppled over with a clatter.

(Ah...!)

The jar of cranberry jam I had brought for breakfast, which had been left on the table, fell and rolled away.

(The jam––)

Kate: Nn...Ellis...!

My lips, about to say "It's spilling," were stolen again.

The kiss, a chaotic mingling of our mouths, was painful and pleasurable... and in my blurred vision, I saw the bright red cranberry jam spilling from the table.

The dripping red seemed to stain even my thoughts.

Kate: Nn, ha...ah...!

When our lips parted and I took a deep breath, the sweet scent of jam filling the room made my head spin.

(This kiss is––)

(...The taste of Ellis's desire.)

It was a sweeter taste than any kindness he had ever shown me, sweet enough to make me drown.

Ellis: ...Kate.

Ellis: Your face is melting.

Kate: ...!

His long fingers caressed my cheek, and my flushed face grew even hotter.

The person I love kissed me.

A passionate, deep kiss, filled with genuine feeling.

I was so happy that my body felt like it was about to melt, just like the cranberry jam spilling on the table––but...

(––I'm also trembling with fear.)

Ellis: Hey, Kate.

Ellis: How happy are you right now...?

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Chapter 19 Premium Story

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[thenighthouse]

Aftersun (2022) and grieving what's still there

I'd been saving (read: avoiding) Aftersun because I knew it would make me cry a lot. I knew it portrayed a father/daughter relationship, and that's also a theme that leaves me in shambles. Yeah, no. Nope. I could never be prepared for the reality of what I experienced.

It feels disingenuous to write about something I don't even want to call a movie. Aftersun was like a memory to me — the kind that isn't mine, but one that I lived through in other ways, other places, with someone else. It was the most heartwrenching, painful, beautiful, spiritual experience I've had watching a movie.

Aftersun is perfect because, in its simplicity, the very subject of the film can either ride on or get lost in the viewer's experiences and sensitivities. As someone who's struggled with mental illness from a very young age, as well as been surrounded by people with the same struggles for that long as well, the way we slowly see more and more of Calum's depression was jarring.

The scene where Sophie speaks about being so sad after a good, fulfilling day was when I went "oh." I't such a relatable feeling, why does he seem so taken aback, so worried? So guilty? Oh.

And as we slowly see more of his disdain for himself (crossing the street without looking, standing on the railing), it hurts even more to see how present he is with Sophie. He lives for her! Why would he care about himself when he could dedicate himself to her? Granting her time in the sun, protection, food, live music, a carpet she'll get to keep forever. Why would he care?

I can't help but wonder if part of his hurt was due to how much she openly loved him. Sophie loved her father very loudly. When you loathe yourself, it's very hard to fathom why or how someone else would even look at you, much less like you... love you? That’s ridiculous.

"Happy birthday, Dad."

"Sing for my dad's birthday."

"It’s fine, Dad. No big deal."

The juxtaposition of all the strangers singing happy birthday to Calum (lead by Sophie) and Calum crying, retching alone in the hotel room was genuinely terrifying to me. The whole movie, actually, it's like I was there, a fly on the wall watching helplessly as Calum's pain ate him up from the inside out. Knowing Sophie would eventually be left with a gaping hole in the shape of her dancing, smiling father.

There's truly no words that could ever make this movie justice. I feel like I’m grieving.

The resentment in Adult Sophie’s eyes throughout all her scenes is fascinating because it’s also recognition. She’s sifting through her memories of her dad and picking up on things she now, unfortunately or not, understands. Stuff she feels as well.

I haven't spoken to my father for 6 years. He knows nothing about me, who I am, who I grew up to be. I had just turned 21. I hated him for a long, long time — long before we even cut ties. He made many bad choices, said many terrible things, hurt a lot of people.

I’m 27 now. I don’t know who he is anymore either. As I finished the movie, I felt at peace with him for the first time.

[xiaoshengnu]

Love O2O final review

overview: episode no. -  30 episodes, genre - romance

released in 2016, Love O2O follows the romance between two star computer science students in beijing's qing university. bei weiwei is both an ace pupil and a star gamer, being the only woman gamer on her server to reach the top ten. however being perfect at everything (and a woman) doesn't come without it's troubles. after a series of unexpected events she meets computer science genius xiao nai, and the two fall in love.

l⃣e⃣ t⃣’ s⃣    b⃣e⃣g⃣i⃣n⃣

honestly, I won't deny it, the drama is a classic and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. bei weiwei and xiao nai were literally written to be the ideal couple- they have it all, they're smart, beautiful and sensible which I guess is such a breath of fresh air from all those dramas where the lead couple have you pulling your hair out in frustration due to the ridiculous misunderstandings that occur between them.

however, it definitely still has its merits and its flaws, but I don't hate it as much as I did when I watched it for the second time back when I was 15. seeing it for the third time I can definitely see why it's considered a classic- so. lets get into it!

o⃣u⃣t⃣     o⃣ f⃣     t⃣ e⃣ n⃣

𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 - 7/10

𝖕𝖑𝖔𝖙 - 6/10

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖘 - 7/10

𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 - 7/10

𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕘𝕖 - 6.75/𝟙𝟘

o⃣u⃣t⃣    o⃣ f⃣    f⃣ i⃣v⃣ e⃣

𝖍𝖎𝖉𝖉𝖊𝖓 𝖌𝖊𝖒 𝖛𝖆𝖑𝖚𝖊 - 💎💎

[ even though in my mind it is a classic, I think the only really unique thing about it is how mature (lmao) the main characters are. the tropes and the arguments it presents are pretty standard. I'm also not the biggest fan of the drama's messages ] 

𝖗𝖊𝖜𝖆𝖙𝖈𝖍 𝖛𝖆𝖑𝖚𝖊 - ✨✨ ✨✨ 

[ it's very easy to rewatch- so simple and a good length but I think if I rewatched it too many times it would get kind of boring for me ]

‘keep reading’ for detailed review

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖘 - 7/10

the characters in this drama were all pretty good. I liked them all quite a bit. rewatching the drama for the third time, and with a much better understanding of mandarin in comparison to when I was 12 and 15 really made me appreciate how witty the writing was for some of these characters? I really liked the humour they had, even though sometimes it was a little stylised in true cdrama style. I loved the banter between bei weiwei and xiao nai and also the dynamics of their respective friend groups- I actually found myself laughing along.

however, the drama definitely careened a little bit too much into wish fulfilment which limited how well written their characters could be. most of the characters were pretty one-note, ESPECIALLY the two main leads. neither bei weiwei or xiao nai change much over the course of the drama and neither undergo any character development to speak of. it was also rather unrealistic and hard to believe how much the drama seemed to orbit around the two main leads unconditionally, in particular xiao nai. despite the female lead being presented as similarly intelligent and capable, her skills and abilities were kind of thrown aside to favour xiao nai's story. although it wasn't badly written and it did make sense for the direction the narrative was moving, it still kind of sucks and does feel pretty gendered in my opinion.

𝖕𝖑𝖔𝖙 - 6/10

moving on to plot, I feel like this situation is rather recurrent in the drama- this situation where things work out almost too ideally for the main characters that it feels almost unrealistic, but within the set up of the drama it makes sense. which makes it a fairly well written wish fulfilment kind of drama- and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, because I did T-T. but the plot was pretty solid.

however, the drama's narrative never really sat well with me even as a 15 year old, mainly because how traditionalist it was. sure, the plot did shed light on the treatment of women in corporate culture, women in gaming and in stem, as well as the struggles of being a conventionally attractive woman and also homosexuality; it doesn't really challenge the traditionalist mindset that produced this problems in the first place- even encouraging them. like when bei weiwei is consistently slandered throughout the drama for being sexually promiscuous, the drama resolves this with her beating these allegations by proving her sexual purity and demonising the sexually promiscuous xiao yu qingqing. I also really despised the lack of voice weiwei had during her more intimate moments with xiao nai. every kiss throughout the drama and every move towards something more was always initiated by xiao nai, with weiwei being the passive, slightly wary yet pleased receiver.

nevertheless tho, it's not a bad drama. it makes sense, it's just some things it- sigh. lets leave it here. if I open up the homophobia box as well I will never stop. Love O2O and I... it's a love-hate relationship y'all.

𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 - 7/10

overall, the acting was pretty decent and believable. I really liked the chemistry between the friend groups in the drama in particular, it all felt rather natural and easy. however some scenes were pretty stylised and over the top, in true romance-idol-cdrama style, which I can watch, just not the biggest fan of. in terms the the lead couples, yang yang and zheng shuang are literally the prettiest two people you can put on screen together- I'll give them that lol- though I kind of got this feeling that both of them were very very very aware of the camera that was watching them. their expressions and actions often didn't really feel like real people but felt very calculated to look good on camera. yang yang also wasn't the most expressive, though I suppose that might of just been xiao nai's character.

𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 - 7/10

the production on the whole was fairly decent, and I appreciate the work done used to create the gamescape. for an idol drama the sets were fairly okay, and just about believable though it definitely doesn't have a lived-in feel in comparison to some better quality productions and sometimes the luxuriousness of the places like xiao nai's office and bei weiwei's university dormitory felt slightly ridiculous. the ost on the other hand tho, slaps.

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𝖇𝖔𝖓𝖚𝖘!!

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favourite characters

hao mei (resident gay)

𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖜 (source mydramalist)

lead actors : zheng shuang, yang yang, mao xiaotong, bai yu

directors : lin yufen, guo hu

screenwriters : gu man, scarlett ouyang, shen fei xuan

[yhwhrulz]

Today's Daily Encounter Tuesday, September 3, 2024

The Cracked Pot

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"1

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on opposite ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For two full years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old, cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old, cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wildflowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."2

We all have our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. Many times, it can be discouraging, and we may feel like we are not fulfilling our purpose. But if we allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. God will use us just as we are if we are willing.

Suggested prayer: Dear God, thank you for choosing to use me despite my imperfections. I ask that you allow me to focus on the things I can do, instead of what I can't do, and do it with all my might for your glory. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus' name, Amen.1. 2 Corinthians 4:17 (NLT). 2. www.sermoncentral.com

Today's Encounter was written by: Crystal B.

[coffee---bean]

two tables go on a date pt. 5

hello,

a little update on my thoughts about the artwork!

so, i think what i'm dealing with in this artwork is the idea of the real and the fake. when i present it, i'm probably gonna show this very impressive whatever thing, and then say:

"hi, please ignore this. (point to the tables) this is the actual work of art"

that makes me think about what counts as the actual artwork. what is "actual art", what isn't? obviously i can only really answer for myself. i guess i consider some DRAKE songs to be art, and i consider some to be... i'm not sure what the word is. less? art?

this is an interesting example, for me. this song is track 18 on the album VIEWS, i think. it's a song that no-one really cares about, or talks about. if any song was gonna be a song that is just kind of a throwaway, it's this song. and it's a pretty low-key beat, the performance and lyrics by DRAKE aren't particularly impressive. in reviews, reviewers don't even really mention the song.

i love this song so deeply. i don't really know, but the chords are so melancholy, the drums and bass are skittering - a strange mix of introversion and extraversion, the rhythm is so steady and romantic. perfect slow-dancing. i love how the song evolves in tiny mutations, tiny little breaks and builds in tension, tiny releases. it's a song that really doesn't work at all on speakers, it's gotta be headphones, i think. maybe it'd work on speakers if the sound is loud, but it's such a quiet song...

there's some perfect lyrics in this song, to me, also. really, every lyric. i might need to go through the entire song.

They throwin' dirt on my old name Only gets worse when you know things You don't see the perks of this whole thing But you get real on a pill and I like it

i kind of interpret this as being him talking about knowledge and talking being scary and dark. i run away from the complicated parts of life. it's hard to exist, nothing is simple. there's a simplicity in the relationship he describes. i love the way he just says - "i like it" - it's just so simple and earnest and romantic. it's shy and it's brave.

You just like my sidekick, I just wanna ride, fulfill all your desires Keep you in the front, never in the back and never on the side

there's so much devotion in these lyrics. there's so much honesty, assuming he's being honest. i do assume that, when i listen, maybe because i want it to be true. when i'm in love, i kind of just want to stare into someone's eyes forever.

You a real ass woman and I like it I don't wanna fight it

i don't wanna fight it either, drake,,,

Tell me should I cut these other girls right out of my life? 'Cause we never decided, tell me how you feel inside

there's an interesting tension here, but i actually really like the fact that this relationship is still in flux. still evolving, still morphing. they clearly communicate but they haven't settled anywhere. i genuinely feel like that all the time. they just want to know what's happening right now. there's a beautiful something there.

Yeah-yeah, I figure out you, you figure out me We both a different breed I'm followin' your lead, I ask you what you need You say, "A guarantee" I mean, you say that like it's easy

i love the line about us figuring one another out. i love the line about following their lead, i love the idea of inspiring one another and following one another.

there's a lot of tension, the moment a "guarantee" is brought up. i love the fact that DRAKE expresses his limits, his inability to be simple. because no one is simple, things aren't simple. i love that this love song is so devoted and still nuanced and complicated. it makes the simple feel complicated, and the complicated feel simple, and points out that the dichotomy or binary isn't really a thing.

You never believe me Told you I got Zs for these other girls sleepin' on 'em Girl, I'm sleepy Sometimes I'm so indecisive

there's more tension, more break-down in communication, in trust. i love the fact that DRAKE has a line talking about how he's sleepy. i just think that's really cute.

But you a real ass woman and I like it I don't wanna fight it

and we end with the same dedication. the same uncertainty, the same infatuation, the same respect, the same contradictory emotions. and the idea of being "tired" - tired of fighting. conflict. i know the feeling. i don't think there is freedom from that conflict, necessarily. i'm not really sure.

i think this song captures the idea of "two tables go on a date" perfectly. in it's simplest and most devoted moments. but it also muddies the water with the complicated. maybe that's what i should try to capture in the other work of art. and "two tables" is contradictory as well, but it's silently that way. it's resolved. i think the other one should be unresolved.

maybe that's the idea. it's not fake or real, it's resolved and unresolved. and the unresolved one is like a forest. something that grows and changes constantly, never having an ending because nothing has an ending. and "two tables" is exactly the same, but it's so simple and easy to pour your heart into and empty it. again, the binary feels so silly and non-existant. what is the other part? what is the explanation?

[annn-starrr]

this is not related to romance club at all! I just wanted to confess something to the world about someone I appreciate to have.

10:20 minutes

to my dear and most beloved, through all of the letters that I've given to you, i was once thought and even once written it in the paper about how i fear that the letter that will be received by you will be my last letter as our time in school is coming to an end as we were both too preoccupied with chasing our dream. but now i have a new fear. it's that i will never found the strength in me to stopped writing about you. your existence in my world was my salvation and my demise. your love saved me. my world become brighter and easier to breath with your presence. I can even thoroughly enjoy dancing carelessly in a garden of flowers that were born out of your loving gaze, smile and laughter, along with a strong yet gentle wind kisses my being with you as the sun shining your warm light on my soul. I've always hated the sun. it was too hot and too bright for me. I'd prefer the moon as it was darker and colder. but you.. you've always liked the sun. you even stopped walking to enjoy the sunbeam that was blessing you with its grace on you but in my eyes, it's you the one who's blessing them with your grace and beauty. I'm afraid I can't live without you now. no, that's wrong. i can. but i don't want to. everyday when I discover something new about you, I become afraid of any chances that i might hurt you in the future. "anything that is beautiful, people want to break. you are beautiful and I'm afraid." your trust in me is too big to the point it scares me. if i were to disappoint you, then I'm afraid i have lost the will to live. there is no point in seeing and living another day when i have lost everything that truly matters to me. you're my first to things I've never known before. even if we were to be separated by fate, i will never let anyone replace you. you meant too much for me. I've never known i could love someone this deep. back then I didn't really know how to love someone, but i wanted so much to be loved. well, looking back at the years I've been wishing to have someone, anyone, to fulfill that sweet nothing wishes of mine, i can finally say this with great happiness and pride that you were a godsent specifically for me. and knowing you, you'll probably say that it's the other way around. through our years of growing up together, I've always thought you were the one who loves me too much. but that's not true, it turns out it was me all along. I've always been late in understanding things in life. "my life was more than perfect with you alone", "you are the most beautiful thing that has ever been present in my life", "you are my strongest reason why I'm still alive right now". I'm sorry for being late to understand your words and feelings. I'm grateful to have loved someone like you and to receive the same affection back. I've already seen all the beauty in life by meeting you and you alone. you broke apart my world and showed me a new one. a world where true happiness exists. even if you were to leave this world, you will forever live through my stories and through my letters to you. you might not be able to read it anymore, but it sure as hell won't stop me from writing to you. after all, my hands existed for this very reason. so this is what love feels like. words are not meaningful enough for me to describe what it feels like. thank you for showing me and letting me experience this.

[kushsen1952]

The Aim of Life

Never in its checkered history through several millenniums, was there a more significant era in human evolution than the present time. Man, it would appear, has reached the zenith of his material and intellectual progress, perhaps never as swiftly as during the past hundred years. Today we almost feel swept by the movement of accelerated evolution, constantly breaking and changing all established structures of the past and the present. But this rapid and unbridled outer progress without the necessary regulatory inner sympathy and concord has created a terrible imbalance. The foremost tools of this stunning human development—science and technology—have produced more problems of new dimensions than can be solved. Man's mind is unable to keep pace with the movement he has himself set up. The all-conquering knowledge of Man suddenly appears to be grossly inadequate to show him the right direction beyond the bounds of this proud but distressed civilization still governed by egoistic self-assertion, domination, exploitation, deception, and opportunism—to name just a few prevailing rules.

The consequences are obvious: the still persisting human plights and miseries in varied forms, the unending revolts and conflicts, the unceasing struggles seeking dignity, equality, and justice; and all such existing imbalances which, neither the glitters and grandeurs of the greatest scientific inventions nor the grand promises of the most remarkable intellectual theories or religious tenets could eliminate, or even reasonably decimate, from the life of this highly illusory civilization.

But what does this crisis mean? Will all the established systems break down and the modern world end in chaotic disorder or catastrophic destruction? Or will a civilization of dread and despair, of soulless regimentation, turn the human race into a gigantic anthill? No. The aspirations of man reveal other possibilities. He aspires for a greater and more glorious life; he dreams of harmony, beauty, love, perfection, and mastery. The process of evolution is a continuous course of action and has not stopped with the coming of Man on Earth. Nature is still in travail. As in the past, so in the future, the present life must evolve into a higher state of existence. Man, as he is now, cannot forever remain a slave to the thousand weaknesses and limitations of his nature that are the root causes of all his miseries. As had always been the law of the evolving Nature with all the species in the past, Man—the Homo sapiens—too must evolve and exceed his limitations. In the next cycle of evolution, therefore, in keeping with the past trend, a higher form of life must appear on this earth. And as had happened in the past with the coming of Man, the advent of this new and greater form of life must again bring about a radical change in life on this planet.

It may, therefore, be reasonably assumed that somewhere— perhaps beyond our surface understanding— a progression is taking place, an emergence of something greater is probably in process, the manifestation of which will finally reveal the aim and purpose of life, indeed of the perennial mysteries behind this enigmatic existence. For, it is difficult to imagine that the colossal labor of Nature through millenniums had been no more than a chance or an accident without any purpose or aim. On the contrary, looking back at the movement of Nature, is it not more prudent to assume that perhaps hidden there somewhere behind the appearances of things a deeper reality waiting for its turn to manifest? Sri Aurobindo, a yogi and mystic of twentieth-century India, envisioned that the destiny of Man is not obliteration but fulfillment of a secret Plan of the evolving Nature. He perceived Man—the mental being—as an incomplete and a “transitional being” but with the potentiality and prospect of exceeding his present limitations and becoming what he called a “Supramental” being, a being who will “remain a man in its external form, and yet whose consciousness will rise far above the mind and its slavery to ignorance.” He expounded his theory of spiritual evolution in his principal philosophic work: The Life Divine. His other major works are The Synthesis of Yoga, The Essays on the Gita, The Secret of the Vedas, The Human Cycle-The Ideal of Human Unity-War and Self-Determination, The Supramental Manifestation; and several other works.

My book The Inner World of Sri Aurobindo Ashram offers some glimpses of Sri Aurobindo’s vision. Indeed, the meaning of terrestrial life, the present crisis of humanity, and the evolutionary destiny of man are the core issues that have been dealt with in Sri Aurobindo’s philosophy and the main purpose of this book is to be a conduit to this treasure-house of knowledge explaining the most enigmatic and intriguing questions encountered by man in his awakened thoughts through ages.

[moo-nstone]

the moon through the houses 

moon in the 1st house: very emotional and delicate - it's like you wear your heart on your sleeves. it's impossible for you to hide your feelings. enchanting aura. so so sensitive and it might be very easy to hurt you. you trust your intuition and gut feeling like no other and you make your decisions based on it, here is present a potential for intense psychic abilities where you might be able to predict things for others. when you were younger, your intuition might have been very overwhelming. spontaneous in your responses; with you, everything depends on your emotional state. you might pride yourself a lot on your empathetic nature, your need to take care of and nurture everyone, how affectionate you are - but you also want to be spoiled. a need to be noticed for your talents. controlling your mood swings is necessary to use your intuition constructively, to achieve your dreams - because truthfully, you can be too defensive and reactive; try not to take everything to heart. a need for emotional stimulation. you may act overly cold to protect yourself because you've been very hurt in the past. 

moon in the 2nd house: your emotional security depends on knowing that your financial future is stable - and the constant changes you might experience when it comes to your finances and your self-worth might bring you a lot of anxiety. there's a tendency to not realize your own worth. you want you and those close to you to always feel at home and nurtured, a home where you always feel protected and can protect them - be careful with putting other's needs above your own. you can take a lot of pleasure from making gifts for your loved ones. can easily go from very generous and offering everything to others to want to keep everything to yourself due to your fear of losing security. give off a mysterious and deep aura. emotional attachment to things that remind you of your past and those who you love. tendency to shop your problems away whenever you feel sad and empty. you hold on strongly to the ones you love and can be very possessive over them. honest to a fault; others might not be able to handle your honesty. incredibly artistic, you express your thoughts through the creation of art.  

moon in the 3rd house: your mind seems to run at a thousand kilometers per hour, and the amount of information you're capable of absorbing + your tendency to overthink might have you literally hurting from thinking so much. you react very fast to things. gaining knowledge makes you feel emotionally fulfilled. so eloquent and intelligent, with various interests and a love for sharing your ideas with others. a love for writing. ideas that bounce from one to the other. it almost feels like you have the answer to all the universe's secrets. fascinating thinking process, but you can get too stuck in the past sometimes. you get nervous whenever you spend too much time in one place, there's a need for constant change present here - but still, you are very attached to the places where you were raised. logic interconnecting with emotions. you love talking about your emotions and private matters, so others, sensing this disposition in you, might feel instantly safe when it comes to sharing their secrets with you. 

moon in the 4th house: you give great importance to your home and your family, and with them is where you feel the most emotionally secure. you might be very distrusting of strangers and it can be particularly hard to get close to you, but once someone's in, they'll feel your love forever. very sensitive to the needs of loved ones, like you have this intuition that allows you to feel what they feel. there's a need for change in your environment present here, you might feel the need to move somewhere else a lot in an attempt to deal with your inner restlessness. eventually, you'll have to learn that home isn't a place but it's something you carry with you wherever you go. for better or worse, your parents had a great impact on you. you might constantly be subconsciously looking for their approval. intense mood swings that only seem to become more prominent as the years go by, careful with letting insecurity take over you. breaking old habits can seem almost impossible, but if they're toxic, please learn to let them go. you can be very emotional and nostalgic, with a deep craving for intimacy. 

moon in the 5th house: you have such a kind and generous nature, always looking to look out for the lives of the ones you love. tendency to be overly dramatic and for exaggeration. a deeply creative soul, you easily express your emotions through art. a talent for acting and drama, a love for being the center of attention. imagination and daydreaming. so expressive, passionate, spontaneous. a love for intense romantic relationships, your passion is magnetic to others. although you can be too fond of taking risks - when it comes to money, buying things and love. might be too addicted to playing games rather than to the person who you're with. be careful with needing people to need you, and to get stuck in codependent relationships. can be overly authoritative. your charmingly childish spirit can have you being great with kids. constantly in a competition with yourself to be better, prettier, smarter, with better style, more successful. a need to be the best in everything you do. 

moon in the 6th house: very caring and emotional, with a deep need to help others around you. your emotional distress can easily physically manifest itself - stress, anxiety and feeling insecure can deteriorate your health dramatically. you care a lot for working hard and for being healthy. you feel the most emotionally satisfied when you're advancing in a job that you love, when you're able to make your coworkers feel like one big family, when you not only take care of the ones you love but you feel spoiled and nurtured back. tendency to panic when things don't go your way. your need for perfection can be downright toxic - you need to realize that you're a human who's allowed to make mistakes. a love for a stable routine. a talent for solving problems. you might be too selfless, helping without expecting anything in return - careful with being taken advantage of. you need variety in your career so you might constantly be changing jobs. you don't like to wallow, you want to move on from the things that make you feel stuck. a love for self-improvement. 

moon in the 7th house: you feel the most emotionally fulfilled when you're supported by the ones you love the most, when you feel secure and protected in their presence. you might often feel vulnerable, like you need to belong to someone else which is why the idea of soulmates is so attractive to you - but before loving others, you need to learn to love yourself, even the darkest parts that you try to pretend aren't there. be careful with staying in relationships where you're no longer happy and in love, security should be found in yourself and not in others. a love for romantic gestures, for intimacy and affection. you might use your personal relationships to get what you want. people skills - you're able to see all the perspectives in a situation and to adapt to others' needs, which is why you're so well-liked. friends that feel like family. very interested in their public persona and in being admired, and this need for an audience can be misunderstood by your partners. a talent for business and the arts. 

moon in the 8th house: you deeply want to connect with others, but your trust issues make it very difficult for you to let yourself trust your partners. you get easily attached to others because of that need for nurture, but on the other hand, there's a fear of rejection and loss present here. very supportive of your close ones, unconditional type of love. a tendency for possessiveness and jealousy, can also be controlling. you might be into going on a shopping spree every time you feel sad. hypnotizing look and magnetism. psychic abilities. you're very secretive because you don't want others to figure you out - you have a deep understanding of life and loved ones, knowing their darkest parts, but you don't like being known yourself, being very secretive about your emotions. can be emotionally unstable. you need intimacy to enjoy sex, you're not the type to enjoy having one-night stands. you hide the memories that pain you. you shouldn't ever allow life or a love betrayal to put out the spark of passion in you, because that's what makes you yourself. a desire to merge with someone, something else. 

moon in the 9th house: there's this craving present in you to escape, to constantly be on the move; a need for travel and to fall into the belief that the grass is greener on the other side - what are you trying to run away from? you need to understand that happiness comes not from a place but the inside; you are your home and no amount of moving will fill the emptiness inside of you if you're not willing to fill it with your own self-love. with a need to be constantly stimulated, you're terrified of routine. an innate need to know, explore, dream and delve into the deeper meanings of life. you don't want to change the world, you want to change the whole universe. a true visionary. a constant change of your life philosophy and interests. constantly traveling even if only in your mind - this placement makes for a daydreamer whose imagination enables you to fantasize about practically anything. a tendency to idealize the world - not all is as beautiful and good as you want it to be, the world is much darker and cruel. a capability of turning your dreams into reality. can have a tendency to be obsessive. you want to stimulate others’ minds with your words. 

moon in the 10th house: there's an extreme sensitivity to you that you can't hide from the world; but even if your overwhelming emotions are keeping you from appearing stable and composed, it's their intensity that will aid you in your ambitions to get to the top of the mountain. you aren't really private - you thrive when having a public, but be careful with getting involved with scandals for putting your life too out there for others to scrutinize. special charisma that others can't look away from. very indecisive when it comes to choosing a career because your emotions rule over what you want out of life. craving for recognition and success, and when you're not being admired, you may feel moody and deeply hurt. a need to nurture and protect the world. your parents' words, good or bad, have a big impact on you and drive you to succeed. very emotional when it comes to your loved ones, they might baby you a lot. an approach to reach your dreams that feels almost intuitive, like your brain is unconsciously wired to get you closer to them. difficulty with keeping relationships and secrets private because you always seem to be under the spotlight. 

moon in the 11th house: it's like you feel other people's pain and struggles, very sensitive to the pain of the world. here is present a need to ease others' burdens to feel emotionally fulfilled, you don't want your happiness to be your own only but want everyone to experience it. full of dreams, but they can change according to how you feel. can be emotionally unstable. a need for the support of your friends; when not feeling loved, it breaks your heart and makes you want to isolate yourself. you radiate charm and an intuitive knowing of how to make others have fun when in your presence. friends that feel like family. those of influence want to help you succeed. you need to rely on your intuition to figure out who's trustworthy and who isn't. you should work on your need to have the approval of others and understand that it's up to you to approve of yourself. can give a lot of conflicts with loved ones when you're at your most emotionally involved. easily impressed, independent and with an unconventional personality that others might disapprove of, but you're too unapologetically yourself to care. careful with attracting unstable people because you have a thing for those who society rejects. very private about your personal life. 

moon in the 12th house: you have an overwhelming sensitivity that can't be found in many others, like you intuitively feel what others are feeling, but all of these intense emotions might wear you down and disturb the sense of peace that you so desire. deeply empathetic. even though you understand what others feel, you might be very lost when it comes to your own emotions, needing to retreat from society every once in a while to recharge your energy. attracted by the unknown, all that is transcendental and far from the physical realm. psychic potential. incredible imagination; you might have a lot of vivid dreams and nightmares, which can give you a very chaotic sleeping pattern and even insomnia. artistic inclination, when you express your intensity through art you create magic. you might be attracted to secret love affairs and all that is forbidden. mysterious and secretive aura. fear of losing others and being abandoned because trust comes very hard to you. before succumbing to your need to help others, give yourself that kind of tenderness. you can't stand when others try to limit you. 

[thefanficmonster]

Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre:  Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult. 

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better. 

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face. 

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions. 

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery. 

Wait, hold up, it gets worse. 

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that. 

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance.  I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

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[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (2/2 )You're more to me, we're everything

PART 1 HERE

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on JATP and have to work together. Will they be able to recover more than their friendship?

If Charlie knew anything in life, it was that he had to take things carefully. Especially with such strong feelings involved. In general, when you like someone, the least you want is for that person to see you as a friend, but particularly for them, recovering their friendship bond was the most important step.

“You were so cute!” Tori and Owen are looking at photos of the guitarist's childhood on his phone. A photo of little Charlie in a suit grinning from ear to ear while holding a girl as if he is spinning her around shows up.

That memory is one of his favorites. He was always a very loved boy with many friends, but in the case of girls he was not the most popular. His best friend on the other hand was, at least for him, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and boys were always around her. He knew he needed to find a partner for the dance so that she wouldn't feel guilty or he wouldn't feel humiliated by not having someone to go with.

However, he was rejected, quite a few times. He didn’t want to say anything about the dance to his best friend that week because he knew that she would stay home with him without hesitation. But that day half an hour before, he arrived in a suit and flowers for her, so at least he could have a picture of such an important moment with the person he loves the most, and he was the one surprised.

“It was about time Char, we have to take about 30 pictures before we go. Mom bought you a tie so we can match." She is up and down looking for one of her shoes, not even turning to see her friend who doesn’t know if he understood correctly.

At that moment she finally turns to see him and runs for a hug, Charlie barely had time to raise his arm with the flowers.

“You look so handsome, and the flowers are perfect. Best partner ever, I love you so much C! I’ll be ready in a second.”

She had planned to go with him from the beginning, and thought it was an implicit pact. That realization made Charlie's heart beat a lot faster that day. No matter how many people invited her, she wanted to go with him. He spent the night with his favorite person dancing and singing, feeling grateful for her, this light who always chooses him of all people.

“I looked pretty good in those clothes.” Y/N says as she and Madison sit at the table.

“You always look amazing, but yeah that night was special.” It's also the night that he realized that he was feeling more than friendship for his best friend, but this is not the time to talk about it.

He decides to continue preparing his waffles, than even though it already has like 5 ingredients, it seems something is missing.

Y/N blushes a little and smiles. “Here, handsome.” She hands him a can of pringles that she grabbed from the cafeteria when she saw him making eggo’s.

“Perfect, Y/N Y/L teaching everyone why she's my soulmate.” Everyone at the table begins to complain about what they qualify as the most disgusting thing they have ever seen, while the former couple smiles happily as they secretly link their legs under the table and continue their breakfast.

Little details like that one, or as removing all the products that she would take with milk from her hands because she seems to forget every morning that she is allergic can make a difference.

“You are 22 years old and you are still as careless as when we were children, I do not understand how you have survived these 4 years."

“You were always the one who cared about it and kept me safe, I guess unconsciously having you close my brain says, ‘no worries, Char will take care of it.’ So I’m sorry, I'll be more careful.”

A seriously ill 10-year Y/N on the way to the hospital invaded Charlie's mind, whom quickly shook off the bad memory.

“It’s all good, bright star.”

“What did you say?” Madison asks.

“Bright star. I know Kenny calls her ‘golden star’, but he’s the copycat. I've been calling her like that all my life.”

Y/N just smiles, enjoying the moment. She had not heard those words from his lips for years, and honestly Kenny also calling her a star even If it was sweet, made her remember Charles practically every day, and that didn’t help at all to get over the guitarist.

“You are my brightest burning star.” Madison replies, looking at Charlie with amusement in her eyes.

At that moment the actor understands what is going through his co-star's head and panics.

“So this queen is the one who has you so inspired, I should have realized it before.”

“She’s always my inspiration, period.” Y/N starts to laugh while blushing, and Madison’s attention falls completely on her.

“And I guess ‘Bright’ is a coincidence? And rise through the night, you and I, We will fight to shine together...Bright forever.” The songwriter wants to disappear at that precise moment while everyone turns to see her as if she had a third eye on her forehead.

“But you wrote bright long before you even knew Charlie was part of the proyect.” Owen adds, smirking.

“If you are asking me if I draw inspiration from the people I love, to write... the answer is yes. And yes, of course I love him.” How is it possible for the guitarist to slow things down when she says things like that in front of everyone? All he wants right now is to kiss her. This discovery means that despite the time she still had him in mind, the song cannot have been written for long. Hope is flooding his body.

“Ok but they inspiring each other is the sweetest thing in the world, goals right there.” Tori adds excited, her friends blushing.

All those teasing moments helped them to be more transparent with their feelings, hugging, touching, and basically staying close each time they finished their work obligations, almost as if they were afraid that the other would disappear or as if they were trying to make up for lost time.

“We need a lot more energy, especially from Charlie. Luke lives for music, nothing can give him more joy than being on stage."

"They have been working for 17 hours straight and at least 15 attempts with this musical." Paul tries to reason with Kenny mid-recording of Now or Never, which still does not come out as the director was expecting.

“What was in the recording studio that is not here now? I thought they would show an even greater energy than there after they stepped on stage."

They both turn to each other, as if the light had been turned on at the same time, and Paul takes his phone.

A few minutes later Y/N walks on set, Sunset Curve smiles upon seeing her.

“I wanted to make sure that we are fulfilling the vision of our beloved songwriter. Let's not disappoint her, okay? Let's try it one more time." Kenny shouts before starting to record again.

Instantly the energy is seen a thousand times higher, Charlie more radiant than ever, while Y/N replicates his energy behind the cameras, flooding him with sass and attitude. The young singer also motivates her now friends and unknowingly gave Sunset Curve that extra thing they needed to finally achieve the perfect performance. Kenny and Paul doing a fist bump behind the screens.

Soon their chemistry and energy turned into open conversation. The way they made everyone on set cry the first time they practiced Unsaid Emily or how connected and dreamy they were while dancing to Perfect Harmony when Madison wasn't on set.

But they still weren’t together, at least officialy.

If Charlie was honest, the fear of throwing himself all over and losing her again terrified him. The industry they love so much and decided to work in doesn't let having a relationship be easy, and if things go wrong again, they don't know if it might be possible to fix it again. It was basically a leap of faith.

Nonetheless, he knows he's willing, but what about her?

That morning he enters the set overwhelmed with his situation when he sees an even more overwhelmed Y/N walk by without even turning around, almost running to the recording studio.

“I advise you to give her some space for a few hours. Let's say she’s going to have a pretty difficult day."

"Why? What happened?" Jeremy asks as he and Owen stand next to the director.

“She got a call from the people at Netflix, they have already approved almost all the music except ‘Stand Tall’, the closing song, and her favorite. They will come in an hour to hear her presentation and convince them that it is good enough."

At that moment Charlie has an idea. There is no way that he will leave her alone, if he has the opportunity to help her he will do it and he’ll drag along all the people he needs to achieve it.

"Kenny, do you happen to have the music sheets for the song?"

“Don’t tell me-” Owen tries to ask but Charlie interrumpts him.

“Yes, let’s get to work boys.”

An hour later Y/N is freaking out, and she can't help but wish Charlie was around. Of all the days he could choose to disappear, he chose today.

She walks towards the auditorium, where to her surprise way more people than she expected are present, including most of the cast. But there is no sign of her lover boy anywhere.

Now or never. She takes a deep breath and start playing the keyboard. Her voice is the only thing that accompanies the keys. Everything is going as planned, but she can't help but feel distracted, nervous, and overwhelmed.

She is about to give up this fight internally when a drum before the second verse gives her the strength to continue singing, Owen smiles and winks at her to give her some peace of mind, and just a few seconds later Jeremy begins to accompany them with the bass. She knows whose idea it is and she just waits for him to come out from wherever he is hidden.

"I’m going out of my mind, Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing I’ma stand tall, I’ma stand tall." His voice finishes waking her up and she accompanies him in the chorus, their chemistry electrifying everyone until every single person is standing, the cast supporting, dancing and clapping while the couple continues to focus on each other, separating out of obligation every so often but taking the opportunity to sing along with Jeremy and Owen who were doing an amazing job too, impacting with their solos.

The song ends and the boys disappear while Y/N talks to the people who came to evaluate her work, who finally approve the last song on the soundtrack that she has been working on for so long and to which she put all her soul.

The very second people outside the cast leave, Y/N looks for who has always been the boy of her life, the one who has proven that even though the years go by, they only need a few seconds to be themselves again, to be everything again. And as soon as she finds him hanging around only with the other 3 members of JATP she runs and jumps on him, entwining her legs at his hips and hugging him from the neck with all her strength, he immediately secures her by putting his arms around her waist.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

The band starts screaming “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!” hoping that one of the two will already dare to take the next step, and Y/N stamps her lips against Charlie's, who reacts almost automatically and kisses her back hard, deciding quickly this is the happiest moment of his life. He finally got the girl, or with what just happened, her fierce girl got him.

Hours later both are in Y/N's apartment curled up on a sofa, enjoying being together again.

“Yes, that sexy, beautiful, adorable and talented man is my boyfriend, Charlie Gillespie.”

Charlie chuckles at her random declaration. “What was that?”

“I’m practicing, and I wanted to say it aloud. I’m just so happy right now.”

His heart melts, she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. His brightest burning star.

His girlfriend doesn't give him time to reply, devouring his lips again. After all, she has four years to recover, and as always, he is more than willing to help her.

Thank you so much for reading!

NEXT PART HERE

Tag list:

@siennanoelle01

@reblogserpent

@kiss-themoongoodbye

@writerinlearning

@rachelle3musicals

[echantedtoon]

His Heart

Just some good ol yandere Neuvillette content. I don't support yanderes irl, etc. @trancylovecraft

"You look at me with cold eyes. You see me me and turn away as if you didn't know me."

"...Do I know you?"

"You know that I couldn't have shown you me. Gave you me. I couldn't show you my weakness so I put on a mask to see you but I still want you. A flower that resembles you blossomed in this garden of loneliness. I wanted to give it to you as I rip off this mask. But I know this can't go on forever."

Her eyes still gazed at the ground. Her body small but still so strong as to crush his soul. Rip his heart out to serve on a platter to herself but somehow still rejected the notion she could do that. The whole world sitting in her grasp yet she was completely naive to it or didn't care she had it.

"I will not satisfy your desires for more than what was agreed. I can accept your apologies but I cannot forgive."

"I have made peace with that notion. But I am not here to beg for forgiveness that I will never receive, for I have hurt you and I accept you're stubborn enough to always hold that grudge."

Her form was ever calm. Looking at him for what felt like a millennia of wait. Time vanishing and space darkening except for the gravitational orbit of beauty that revolved around his mind and shown through his sights since the day he laid his eyes on her visage.

"Then what is it do you seek from me, Neuvillette?"

"It's not what I seek. It's what I desire. Wishing that love is as perfect itself. Wishing all my weaknesses are hidden." The room fell sideways in his mind. An oozing feeling on continuous falling for her over and over again. Swallowed by the monster that demanded he claim and the beast that roared at him for everything he did wrong to be made right again. "In a life where nothing was ever genuine, you carved a piece out of my heart that will never feel complete unless you yourself abide by it's beating."

Her answer a head tilt. Eyes grazing the state he was in. Clawing through bodies. Ravaged by freezing cold. No doubt such a sight she disliked but was more than ready to accept given the circumstances.

"What desire do you want that I haven't already given to you?"

Blood ran black fading to a possessive desire. A stark contrast the dripping liquid made compared to the delicate object the palm held out. Staining it purity by the blood of the slain and war. Presented to her gaze which widened slightly at soft petals. A beacon of softness in the blight around them. A rose 

"Accept my devotion and become my wife. A place not beneath but beside me. For we were lovers before we were ever born in this world. My name shall be your own, your blood shall be mine, and all combinations of life will be one. Accept all of me, as I already have all of you."

She stared at him like that he told her was the most foolish thing he ever said. Heart racing. Eyes staring. Her hand slowly reaching out to him. His eyes widening as the desire he's been wanting finally being fulfilled- Until she stopped.

Her lungs filled with a shaking breath. "Kill me if you insist on finishing what you started, but I have no intention of bowing to a king who wears a crown studded with the jewels of every sin he committed."

For once he looked taken aback stopping just a few steps away from herself. "Kill you? Oh, dear me. Is that what you thought I came here for?" His head shook swaying ivory locks. "No, no, no. That wouldn't be beneficial to either of us."

"Then why?"

"Why? You have got the arms I want to be wrapped in. You have got the eyes I want to get lost in. You have the smile I can never resist. You have got the voice I want to listen to for hours. I decided on you. I want you and only you."

"I fell in love with your words! Unfortunately they were all lies!"

"No. That's not true." That gentle smile was back as he approached her once more. "I didn't lie that I love you. It wasn't a lie before and it certainly isn't a lie now."

Her body did not give him the satisfaction of an embrace nor the courtesy of a smile as his hand caressed her cheeks.

"You're a dangerous man."

"Ah. But you see the most dangerous person is the one who listens, thinks, and observes."

[mianavs]

Savior Complex

He stripped you of your lifeline but refused to let you perish

Chrollo x f!reader

a/n: some chrollo content for your enjoyment

tw: dubcon, imprisonment

wc: 2.1k

Stealing Hatsu from others was akin to eating for Chrollo Lucilfer. He did it to strengthen his abilities and spared little thought on how it affected his victims. To him, people were equivalent to puppets in that they could be used and discarded without a second thought. The only time he spared a thought for his victims was when their Hatsu disappeared from Bandit’s Secret indicating their demise. Chrollo likened it to mourning his victims despite the depravity behind the sentiment.

You were different, however, in more ways than one.

There was no other way to put it—you were a genius nen user. Without any formal training, you developed your ability to manipulate the minds of others. While other geniuses profited off their Hatsu and used it to rise the ranks of society, you were trapped by yours and used it strictly for survival. Bought by a Mafia boss at a young age, you practiced your ‘gift’ on anyone your master sent.

Everything changed when a new esteemed client of your master’s walked into your workshop. Chrollo’s original target had been your master’s rare treasures but, after hearing about your gift, he altered his plan and included your Hatsu. It was a riskier plan, showing up in person for a session, but to Chrollo your ability was worth it.

The first thing that caught his attention was the cold emptiness of the room. Concrete walls, harsh fluorescent lighting, and the smell of disinfectant and death pervaded the small room. You sat on one of the chairs in the center with two armed men on either side. You were a frail young woman in a dirty white gown and with equally dirty hair that lie atop your head in a tangled mess. You were obviously malnourished judging from your sunken cheeks, bony wrists, and knobby knees. The most damning evidence of your mistreatment, however, had to be the leather shackle around your ankle that was connected to a large chain and attached to the wall.

In spite of your dreadful conditions, you rose from your seat with the grace of a newborn deer and greeted Chrollo with a bright smile that caught him off-guard.

“Welcome Dearest Client and please take a seat.”

Chrollo was convinced your lilting voice could soothe a raging beast as he unconsciously lowered his guard and sat down in front of you. Warmth dripped from your eyes as they traversed Chrollo’s face while yours radiated a child-like innocence as you started to explain the process.

“I will look into your eyes for a minute to search your mind for emotions I can use to create your fantasy. Is that alright, Dear Client?”

“Of course, Miss—I’m sorry but I didn’t catch your name.”

Your eyes widened at the word ‘name’ while the men behind you shifted uncomfortably. “Um…name? I-I don’t know what—”

“What do other’s call you?” Chrollo interrupted.

“Oh! Then I guess I have multiple names. I’m called ‘You’, ‘Witch’, and ‘Woman’ so please pick whatever you prefer.” You stated and Chrollo started to assess your character and the situation you were in.

“I’ll stick with Miss for now,” he declared before initiating Skill Hunter. “Now, can you tell me a little bit about your gift?”

“Of course,” You were completely oblivious to the growing tension that radiated from your guards and started your explanation. “My creations all take place in the client’s mind but I am always present. They are crafted around positive emotions or memories that I find.”

“So these fantasies are all positive?” Chrollo’s voice successfully masked his disappointment.

“Yes,” you replied fondly. “I use my gift to make other’s happy even if it’s only temporary.”

“Oh…and how long do they usually last?”

“At first, I could only last a couple of minutes but after making a vow, I was able to create fantasies that lasted up to three hours.”

“And what vow is that?” Chrollo asked, genuinely curious.

“Loss of my sight if I ever stopped using my gift. My eyes have no purpose if I can’t use them to search people’s minds and create fantasies for them.” Your smile dimmed as you uttered those words while something akin to pity stirred inside Chrollo; however, it wasn’t enough to spare you.

“What a beautiful sentiment,” Chrollo’s honeyed compliment warmed your heart and your smile brightened once more. “Shall we begin?”

Unlike most of client’s you dealt with, Chrollo’s positive memories and emotions revolved around a group of people instead of jewelry, money, fame. Instead of the luxurious mansions, clear skies, and sandy beaches you normally created the setting of Chrollo’s fantasy was a junkyard city.

You distanced yourself from the client as you usually did and watched from afar. Chrollo greeted each and everyone of the group members but tears welled up in his eyes when a large muscular man approached him.

You panicked at the sight of tears until you felt a wave of happiness from Chrollo and your worries faded away. For you, these moments were priceless and made you forget the pain in your stomach or the weariness in your bones. Seeing your clients happy negated any unpleasant emotions you held against your master and gave your life meaning.

Other clients merely forgot about your existence or purposefully ignored you but Chrollo surprised you by seeking you out.

Where are you? I want you to meet my family.

A strange warmth settled in your stomach at Chrollo’s request and you emerged from your hiding spot. You approached him hesitantly until he reached his hand out causing you to freeze in shock.

“Is there something wrong?” Chrollo asked, confusion written all over his face.

“I-I don’t know. Client’s usually don’t want to see me…why do you?”

“I want to share some of my happiness with you. Is that wrong?” Chrollo’s smile dazzled you and before you realized it, hot tears prickled your eyes.

“T-thank you,” you cried. “N-no one has ever done s-something like this f-for me.”

You accepted Chrollo’s hand and interacted with his family as if the fantasy were real. After delving into Chrollo’s mind some more, you learned that the muscular man was actually deceased and focused on perfecting him for your client.

Like always, you wished your fantasies could last forever along with your client’s happiness but it was an impossible desire and your masterpiece started to crumble. The flaming red sky of the junkyard city turned to fuchsia, then pink, until it became a white void. One by one, the group members disappeared as well until Uvogin was the only one left. He bid Chrollo farewell with a toothy grin on his face before he too became one with the white void.

“I see it’s time to return.” Chrollo commented staring into the white void that was once his beloved city.

“Yes, I’m sorry it ended so soon.” You answered, lowering your head.

Suddenly, Chrollo’s hand grabbed your chin and you met his eyes full of emotions that went beyond your comprehension. “No, Miss, it is I who is sorry.”

You wanted to ask what he meant but your fantasy dissipated into nothing and you were kicked out of Chrollo’s mind.

Your eyes fluttered open to blood splattered walls and your hand lying on an old book held by Chrollo. Everything had gone according to plan and the spiders eliminated everyone in the building including your owner. As the Phantom Troupe hauled out the treasures located in the bunker, Chrollo regained consciousness and fulfilled the last condition of Skill Hunter.

“What…happened?” Your eyes widened in horror when they landed on your fallen guards lying in a pool of their own blood. “H-how?!”

Chrollo watched as you whipped your head around for help only to be met with silence. Your seemingly constant smile was long gone replaced with a horror-stricken face Chrollo was used to seeing on his victims—but you were no ordinary victim.

You trembled as you watched the old book in Chrollo’s hands disappear and darted to your feet in an attempt to run away only to collapse on the ground when your chain extended its entire length.

Teary-eyed, you looked up at Chrollo who decided he never wanted to see that terrified expression on your face ever again. He softened his own face as he crouched down next to you and dried your tears with his thumbs. Confusion replaced fear on your weary face and Chrollo sighed in relief knowing it would be easier to dispel confusion as opposed to fear.

“I’m sorry it had to be like this,” Chrollo apologized, before knocking you out in a fraction of a second. “But I’ll take care of you now.”

When you woke up to the black void that was your vision, a broken wail erupted from your chest that alarmed various voices in the room. You flailed your arms in front of you to see if you could at least make out their outline but it was to no avail. With your vision gone, the gravity of your situation pumped adrenaline to your limbs causing you to scramble to your knees and crawl on the bed only to fall out of it and onto the cold floor.

“Hey!”

“Are you okay?”

“Get the boss!”

The shoulder you landed on throbbed painfully but the ringing in your head from listening to disembodied voices you didn’t recognize was worse. Curling up into a ball, you clamped your hands onto your ears to cancel out the harsh noise but it was to no avail. A plethora of negative thoughts filled your mind only to be dispelled by a familiar soothing voice that overpowered all noise.

“Dearest Client?” You uncovered you ears and uncurled your body only to hit your shoulder on the ground once again causing you to hiss in pain. Warm hands gently lifted you up and you jerked from the sudden movement.

“Shhh it’s alright, Miss. My name is Chrollo Lucilfer and I’ll be making you happy from now on.”

“B-but my sight…my gift—” The soft bed surprised you as he sat you down on the edge. “W-what are you—”

His hands cupped both cheeks and turned your head forward. “I’m sorry about your gift but I promise I’ll use it well.”

“W-what…how did…I-I don’t—”

“Stay still for me…please.” You were captivated by the gentle firmness of his voice and did as he asked.

When the meaning behind his words hit, you wondered if your gift would even work in your current state. Before you could voice your doubts, however, the darkness that enveloped you turned lighter and lighter until it was a white void you would recognize anywhere. Splashes of color materialized until they formed your last creation—the junkyard city.

“This…made you happy?”

Seeing Chrollo again made your heart swell and you ran to him wanting nothing more than to see his features up close.  You took in his disheveled black hair, pale skin, and pools of grey and teared up from simply being able to see another person once again. Raising your hand, you touched his cheek and gasped from how real it felt being on the receiving end of the fantasy.

“Amazing…I-I can’t bel—”

Chrollo’s hand shot out and pulled you into his chest while his arms wrapped around your frail form possessively. His scent and warmth assaulted your senses making your head spin but Chrollo only tightened his hold pressing against your skin harshly. Overwhelmed by the sensations pulsating through your body, you clung to Chrollo not knowing what else to do.

“You’re mine now,” his voice rumbled against the sensitive skin of your neck. “I’ll be your eyes from now on.”

A chill ran up your spine as Chrollo’s mouth trailed kisses up your neck to your mouth. An uncomfortable knot started to build in your stomach as his tongue probed your mouth and pressed against yours. You gave Chrollo free reign over your body not because you reciprocated his desire but because you didn’t know any better.

Your entire existence revolved around pleasing others, so when your tainted fantasy ends and you return to your dark reality; you learn to accept your new role. Moving forward whenever Chrollo visits your room, you continue to let him do whatever he wants to your body by convincing yourself that it’s his happiness that is most important. So when he leaves you naked and trembling with a dull ache between your legs, your mind does what it has always done best—it makes things up to help you cope with your miserable life.

[joyfulhopelox]

White Lilac

Pairing: Jungkook x reader (war! au)

Genre: angst, fluff

Warnings: hints to major character death

Word count: 1.6k

Rating: pg13

Summary: White lilac- a symbol of purity and innocence, that is what he saw in you that day. He promised himself he would keep you safe and happy, but the cold hard reality has other plans for the two of you. The promise that he made under the lilac tree led to the ultimate sacrifice.

A/N: This is part of the Love Blossom Series (4/7) and square 5/25 of the @bangtanwritingbingo event (square: Jeon Jungkook). I want to thank my amazing beta @dinamitae. Eva you have been a gem for helping me with this one! <3 I have not written angst in a while and you have given me the confidence that i needed! I would also like to thank my best friend for putting herself through finding the perfect picture for me to make a banner out of! (I promise i am done angst-ing Jungkook for now!)

Copyrights @joyfulhopelox for both the work and the banner.

As always please leave feedback and/or talk to me as i love to hear from you! Enjoy <3

The scent of white lilacs invaded your senses, the sweet fragrance wafting along the warm spring breeze. Walking through the garden you giggled as you observed the bees, barely awoken from their slumber over the winter. It was cathartic, the stillness of the garden, the smells enveloping you offering a sense of peace you revelled in.

You sat down underneath the big white lilac tree, a bunch of flowers nestled in your lap. You hummed whilst your fingers worked diligently at making a flower crown. It was the only time you had to enjoy the nature around you and you were going to make the most of it. Humming to yourself you didn’t notice the man that approached silently on the pathway ahead of you.

Jungkook observed you for a while, his eyes taking in the picture of innocence that lay ahead of him. He would tell you this years later, but he fell in love with you as soon as he saw you. His heart thumped in his chest at the sight of your wide smile and childlike glee as you placed your finished crown on your head. He decided then and there that he would do anything in his power to keep that smile on your face. Determined to be the one to have your heart, he approached you. Finally noticing him, the wide smile you offered him sealed his fate.

“Jungkook!” you laughed in delight as said man picked you up in his arms, “put me down!” Your legs thrashed around trying to wiggle yourself out of his hold. Jungkook held onto you tighter, his laugh echoing around the row of lilacs towering over you.

“Y/N, you will fall!” he warned you when your incessant slaps on his back made him lose his grip on you. Laughing you stopped and just let yourself hang over his shoulder allowing him to carry you, the basket he had on his other shoulder obstructing your view.

“And here I present to you, the queen of the garden, Y/N” he made a show out of placing you back on your feet underneath the same lilac tree he found you months ago. The lilac tree that drew his attention, it being the tallest one standing like a beacon amongst the others. You chuckled and steadied yourself still holding onto his shoulder.

“You flatter me good sir, I am but a fairy of the garden” you mock curtsied, the dress you were wearing billowing around you. Jungkook took a moment to absorb the smell of the lilac and the sight of you. The sun shone through the branches, casting shadows over the ground and yet it seemed like the rays of sun managed to find you anywhere you went. The light shining around you gave you an ethereal glow. He couldn’t have been happier than at that moment.

You smiled at him and offered him your hand. “Come on, let's sit down and have that picnic” you beckoned him. He let himself be guided by you, in his head making a promise that he would follow you wherever you would go.

Playfully tugging at his hand you urged him to hurry up and set down the basket he carried over his shoulder. Doing so gave him the mobility he needed to tug back at you, his strength greater than yours. Yelping you stumbled backwards into him, your hands on his chest to stop yourself from falling.

“Jungkook!” you chided with a gentle slap on his arm. You tried to look serious in your mock anger but the crinkle at the corner of your eyes told him otherwise. He pretended to look apologetic for a second before a mischievous grin formed on his face. In an instant you were trapped in his arms, his fingers digging into your sides tickling you. Pearls of laughter fell from your lips, and Jungkook swore he’d never heard anything more pure.

“Stooooop” you pleaded but it was futile. When at last you forfeited, he stopped, but the grip he had on you tightened. He raised one hand to cup your face, your bodies so close together that you could feel each and every breath he took, each heartbeat. The laughter died from your lips and you inhaled sharply. He was beautiful, his kind eyes locking with yours. A surge of affection and happiness washed over you. Mirroring the hand he had on your cheek, your thumb caressed his.

“I love you” your admittance was nothing new to him, but each time he heard it, it felt as if his heart would burst out of his chest. His smile promised you eternal love and devotion and when his lips moulded into yours in a kiss, you believed it.

“Marry me” he whispered. You never thought you’d feel so incandescently euphoric, but as you nodded your head and whispered your acceptance against his lips, you felt like you were on top of the world.

The white lilac tree- your white lilac tree- stood once again in bloom, the fragrance caressing your sensitive nose. With your head buried in Jungkook’s shoulder you revelled in his warmth. You felt content, his strong arms around you, his palms resting on your hips tracing patterns that only he knew about.

“Y/N” his sleepy voice penetrated the daydream you had fallen under. You hummed in response, feeling too tranquil to speak. He paused for a couple of seconds and you allowed him to gather his thoughts. When he remained quiet you realised that what he wanted to say was serious enough to trouble him.You lifted your head up to glance at him, instantly reading the worry on his face. His brows were furrowed and he was biting his lips in concentration. Releasing yourself from his warm grip you cupped his face, a feeling of unease washing over you.

The relaxed atmosphere you have been basking in earlier is broken by the somberness in his eyes. You knew what he was going to say and with a pained smile you shushed him before he could speak.

“I know, I understand.” His eyes pleaded for you to believe that he had no other choice, he had to fulfill his promise. He prayed that you knew how much he loved you and what you meant to him. You understood but it wasn’t easier on you. “We will make it through this, I promise.”

That night you did not let each other go, under the white lilac tree, hands intertwined, the ring on your finger telling the story of a forever that would never be.

‘To Y/N,

With regrets we share the news of…..’

The scent of while lilacs no longer mattered to you. Walking through the same garden where you met your husband all those years ago felt like a thousand knives stabbing into you. The rain pelted down on the hard ground loudly, in a pattern that almost felt like gunshots. Your feet carried you mindlessly through the pathways you and Jungkook would walk through, hand in hand, very much in love. With him by your side the road felt too short, but the cold empty space next to you reminded you of how long the distance actually was. It felt like an eternity, your feet aching, your throat coarse. One foot in front of the other, one tear trailing another down your cheek, your fingers gripped tightly onto a piece of soaked paper. The words smudged, but you didn’t care, you knew them by heart. They burnt a hole through you, raged inside your numb heart.

‘Beloved Y/N,

It is getting dark here so I will have to write this quickly.

You have always been better with words than I have, but I will try my best to be up to par with your skills. I long to see you, see your warm smile, see your eyes crinkle when you laugh at my jokes, see the way you light up when we walk through the garden.

I long to be able to hold your warm hand. I have almost forgotten what they feel like, my hands can only remember the coldness of weapons and the dirt that they have gripped for so many months. But maybe I should not touch your hands from now on, my bloodstained ones would only taint them with the sins that I have had to commit.

Y/N, I am afraid. It is cold here. I am forgetting what the sun looks like, what the smell of the white lilacs on your skin feels like, what your lips taste like. I wonder if I will ever make it back and experience them again.

I know I have made you cry time and time again by now, please forgive me. I have never wanted to cause you pain. Had I known this is how things were going to end up, I would have not approached you that day in the garden. You were so beautiful to me, framed by the lilacs, a crown of flowers on your head. You looked like a princess. Pure and innocent.

I never meant to taint that innocence, I wanted to keep you safe and sound, warm and happy, keep the smile tattooed on your face.

I am here now holding onto the last bit of hope that I will fulfill that promise. I am writing to you now to make another promise. That somehow, someday, I will return to you.

I would continue writing but the sky is getting dark and the rain is making it difficult to hold the pen.

I love you, now and forever.

Eternally yours,

Jeon Jungkook’

And so the white lilacs never bloomed in your heart again.

Main Masterlist

[thewildomega]

Akainu x Motherless Daughter Headcanons

@iamemmalindberg Ask:  Hello, I really enjoyed the headcanon with whitebeard and a pregnant omega and I just read you love angst. So I have a request for a headcanon with Akainu: The (vice) admiral's wife died during childbirth, but their daughter survived, how will he raise the child as a single parent?? Some context if I may include it - she is the sweetest and quite understanding with Akainu's job, but it hurts her that she is motherless and dad is hardly present. she cries easy, when "family" is brought up. Thanks

A/N: This proved to be more difficult than I intended but only because it hit me right in the feels. Thank you for the ask, hope you like it. 

Sakazuki would hang onto the last memory of his wife forever. Her face was flushed of color and her eyes weak as she looked up at him. Moving to stand beside her bed he swallowed thickly before crouching down to be close to her face as her lips started moving the slightest. 

“Saka... look isn’t she b..beautiful..” 

Seeing his dying wife smile so sweetly like she always did he blinked and forced his eyes down to the newborn babe currently laying on her chest. Their tiny daughter was sleeping peacfuly in her mother’s final moments. 

“Our perfect l..little g..girl. You’re going tttoooo be a... great dad Saka...” 

Looking away from the girl he instead moved his eyes to the window. “How am I supposed to be a father to the thing that killed the woman I love.”  Feeling something touch his jaw lightly he turned his face back to her, clenching his teeth when she stroked his cheek with her trembling fingers. 

“Oh Saka p..please don’t be like that... This isn’t her fault and you know that. If y..you must blame someone t..then blame me... I.. I wasn’t ssstrong enough...” 

Closing his eyes he shook his head. “Don’t. You are the strongest person I know Y/n.” Hearing the babe make a small noise and then her weak voice speaking to their daughter he felt the knot in his throat growing. 

“You and y..your daddy are going to b...be the per...fect little fa..family.”

 “It isn’t going to be a family without you.”

 “Sure it will... You and o..our little Sakura here and... and maybe someone else one...” 

“No. No I will never love another Y/n. You are my wife, forever.” Laying his forehead on hers he closed his eyes. 

“Saka m..my love I..I’m afraid I h..have to gooo now...”

Shaking his head he moved his hand to her hair and pet it like he did so often when they were alone. “No you can’t. I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know anything about being a parent.” 

“You’ve always been a quick learner. Besides she needs you... P..promise me Saka... promise you’ll t..take care of her. Be t..there for her...l..love her...for the both of u..us.” 

Nodding he lifted his head to look her in the eye. “I promise Y/n.” Seeing her smile at him with tears in her eyes he felt his own start to water as he watched her use her last strength to kiss their daughter’s head. 

“I love you... both of you...” 

“I love you.” he told her and saw her eyes lift back to his. Bending down to kiss her lips he pulled away and watched her eyes slowly close. Feeling tears roll from his eyes he heard their daughter start crying, her mother’s heartbeat no longer there to sooth her. Dropping his head to the bed beside hers he continued petting her hair with one hand while the other moved to the wailing babe. 

Loosing his wife was hard, being a single father was not something he was prepared to take on. 

At first he would not know where anything is, he hadn’t been there when his wife had placed everything up in the nursery, preparing for their child. 

He couldn’t tell you how many nights he sat in that rocking chair staring at the crib as she slept. 

Being on leave both for the birth of his daughter and grieving time for his wife he would work on getting a routine down. 

He must have lucked out because as it turned out his little flower was easy going. After the first few weeks she slept through the night and hardly ever fussed. 

Hiring a nanny once he started back work was a long process. No one seemed qualified in the beginning but he came to realized that no one was ever going to be what he really wanted, his wife. 

As the years passed his daughter grew and he tried to spend as much time with her as he could, tried to fulfill his promise to his wife but work was work. The navy was his life too. 

Sakazuki is a very strict person and that carries through to his home as well. His daughter has gotten used to it though and she understands perfectly well who her father is. 

She never bothers him to play with her, knowing full and well he doesn’t have time. 

When the nanny would tell him about his little girl drawing pictures of her mother, him and her all together or how she cries silently in her room whenever the word family is mentioned around her he would feel guilty but he wouldn’t show it. 

Most of her time is spent alone but when Sakazuki is home he makes it known that she can talk to him about anything. 

Although many people would think he is uncaring all the time that isn’t the case. He does love his daughter very much and it secretly hurts him when he realizes how much he isn’t there for her he pushes himself harder. She was already motherless he wouldn’t make her feel fatherless as well. 

Dinner time is their time and as long as he isn’t away he makes it his top priority to get there on time for them to share the meal and talk. 

He may not say much himself but he is a very good listener and takes everything his flower says in. He knows her likes and dislikes, her favorite color and animal. 

He also invites her to sit with him while he is pruning his bonsai trees, holding her in his lap and glancing down to see her small eyes watching him carefully. 

The vice admiral may not be the one to parade parenthood all around but you can best believe he keeps a picture of her and his wife on him at all times. 

In his office on his desk is the framed picture his flower drew of her family all together but everyone knows not to dare mention it. 

The man is very protective over what is the only family he has left. 

Once she starts school he keeps up with her grades, she will no doubt have the best grades in the school. The navy man already has his heart set on his child being the next marine prodigy. 

His mind often drifts to his wife, the woman that he loved so dearly and he wishes more than anything she was still here so their daughter wouldn’t have to be alone. 

He is lucky to have such an understanding child but he will always push himself to do better, to be better. 

Once she is old enough he will tell her everything about her mother, answer any of her questions. “Did you love her?” the quiet question stunned him for a moment. Lifting his eyes from his plate he looked into the identical eyes his wife had and took a deep breath. “Very much.”