#is really. clarifying some past experiences i had. and im not enjoying it

[unopenablebox]

i guess it's still technically possible that the person who told me that most of our uni/on leadership are members of the psl was wrong and it's actually only some of them. but also. jesus fucking christ are you kidding me

[fictionkinfessions]

THESE ARE ALL THE HETALIA RACIST SOURCE ASK RESPONSES. IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION REPLY OR REBLOG THIS POST. IM NOT POSTING ANY MORE ASK RESPONSE ABOUT THIS

I'M SHOVING THEM ALL INTO ONE POST BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE A TERRIBLE HABIT OF READING PAST EACH OTHER AND PLAYING TELEPHONE GAME. NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT BECAUSE THEY GET PARTITIONED ON ON THE QUEUE. ANYWAYS.

THANKS FOR UDNERSTANDING.

READ MORE'D DUE TO LENGTH. CAPSLOCK CRUISE CONTRol deactivate.

Anonymous asked:

Some of y'all need to remember that it is not, in fact, morally wrong for people to make fanworks of your kin that you don't like. I'm not talking about legitimately problematic stuff, I'm talking about totally normal ships and interpretations you don't like. You don't get to be the fandom police, suck it up and just block people and tags that make you uncomfortable like the rest of us

Anonymous asked:

guys you can just… choose to not talk about certain kintypes, esp if you know they are from something harmful 😭 like, sure, on here it’s fine, that’s what the blog is for! but it supremely sucks seeing people defend their sources from criticism when the criticism genuinely is ‘this has so much racism/antisemitism/ableism/etc.’ i have kintypes from harmful media, i get it! i just… don’t talk about them, or if i DO i recognize the harm the media has caused, and boost the voices of those it affects. also, on this point: no one ever needs to feel guilty for kinning from smth - esp spiritual kin or someone who does not control it! just be understanding of the harm the Media does, and be respectful - thats it. idk, critical thinking and respecting others is so important.

Anonymous asked:

@ post/703018736627679232 - Would you rather someone be upfront about it on my list so you can block them and move on or befriend them not knowing and then only learn it way into a friendship? I've had the latter happen before as someone who kins from a problematic source (not Hetalia), which is why I mention it upfront.

Anonymous asked:

cannot believe we are actively having hetalia discourse in 2022. don't you guys have jobs

Anonymous asked:

Respectfully, it is not the responsibility of everyone else to suppress themselves when it comes to catering to some random individual's personal discomforts. It's up to you to curate your own online experience.

Block users! Block more tags (such as # racism cw)! Don't interact with content that bothers you! Nobody is forcing you to read, reply to, or send in your own asks about sources that are triggering to you.

Also, being kin doesn't mean you support or enjoy your source's creative origins, writing, or canon at all, obviously. Identity on this level is not a moral issue, it's just a fact of being.

Anonymous asked:

Boy some of y'all are missing the point of that guy's ask about Hetalia kins. The "stop kinning" thing might've been poor wording because yeah, most people can't simply not kin anymore, but you can absolutely stop engaging with the source, stop supporting it, not list your kintypes publicly.. I kin from Hetalia too and I simply don't talk about it publicly. I actually started keeping a diary where I write about my problematic sources and kins when I get the urge to talk about it. It's helped a lot more than I thought it would, honestly. Maybe some of y'all should try that too?

Anonymous asked:

Hmmm MPC, if it’s okay, could you add on to my Hetalia ask (the one signed from a biracial POC) the addition that the anon I think was very out of line was the one who claimed only the English dub was racist, however, I was already seeing people say this before that ask, so don’t think those comments are only directed at them?

(I felt a little bad about singling someone out, but the more I think about it, I really do need to clarify that. Sorry for a SECOND discourse ask now!)

Anonymous asked:

Okay sorry to add to the discourse but I think some people are seriously conflating “kins a character from a show” to “enjoys the show.” To me, someone liking Hetalia is one of the biggest red flags, but idk why we’re acting like kintypes can be helped. They can SOMETIMES be suppressed healthily, but not always!

I totally get if you don’t want to interact with Hetaliakin. I’m not sure I could comfortably, tbh. But people keep saying stuff like “how dare you ignore the racism in that show and act like nothing is wrong with it,” when I don’t think a single person defending the ‘kin from it has said anything like that. -A mixed POC

Anonymous asked:

wrt 703034476015566848 - yes, there was someone in the replies of one of the (many) hetalia posts blaming you for their being triggered because the post was "untagged" … even though if you use blacklist properly it blocks any post with the blocked word (in this case "hetalia") even if its untagged, so its just kind of on them and i dont like seeing people put responsibility on strangers for their own caretaking lmao. sorry if commenting on it was out of place though.

Anonymous asked:

Hetalia discussion: idk why this is a discussion at all. It's between a kin identity and a history of oppression and genocide and real people's trauma and discomfort. Genuinely how is this discourse. What's more important.

[coughloop]

(screenshotting all of this to condense it a little)

I really appreciate the time and effort you put into writing all this and it feels like you sent this in actual good faith unlike a lot of the messages ive gotten the last couple days so I'm going to try to respond and talk through my feelings about it in as well thought out a response as I can (although i am not always the most succinct with my conclusions). My apologies if i contradict anything I've said in the last couple of days but im going to try to express where i am, at this moment in my understanding of cnc and everything else thats been talked about.

putting this under a read more cause it got really long

First off, I want to clarify that the stuff I have REALLY been disgusted with that has come out in the last few days has been 4 main groups:

1. the people that have made public their pedophilic fantasies, and the fact that you can point to people in these circles that have groomed minors in the past or are actively doing it right now.

2. the people posting about their fantasies of sexually abusing family members and strangers alike (which i realize now is seperate from cnc fantasies).

3. the people fantasizing about raceplay (which is just straight up getting off to racism).

4. the people who have defended any of these things either by doing so directly or by going out of their way to spread misinformation about what the original callouts were about to downplay what was originally said and what people were so disgusted by and to make it sound like people were just freaking out because some trans women on this site are "having sex that puritans dont like" (seriously if you're in this group and were part of shifting the narrative, fuck you)

Second, I agree with the disclaimed you sent afterwards. After having a talk with my partner and reading a couple blog posts about what cnc is, I think I had a different understanding of what it can be, and I think i had a very specific, negative image in my mind of what the average CNC scenario actually is. I realize it is probably more of a spectrum with space to play in (like consensual use of rope play or pushing someone against a wall because you both like the feeling, both things i have tried and enjoyed to some degree) could arguably be considered CNC while both parties can be made to feel completely safe through the entire experience.

I do not personally think going as far as actually roleplaying a rape scenario sounds healthy at all. I feel like that is the time in a consensual sexual encounter most likely to be misused by someone with an imbalance of power and safety to pressure someone into a situation they can very quickly dislike and feel unsafe in (like the anonymous message I got earlier about someone else with experience in CNC).

I also know that I am not the sex police and while certain things happen behind closed doors I myself am not comfortable with, if two consenting adults can be comfortable with the scenario that's really no skin off my back, and genuinely I really dont care if I dont have to hear about it (disclaimer this does not apply to raceplay behind closed doors because while two adults may consent to it or whatever, they are actively engaging in racism and rationalizing it into a fetish that further hurts and demeans people of colour in the consenting adults eyes and its just really fucking racist listen to black people and dont fucking do that shit GOD).

To sum up, i dont actually think cnc has to be inherently abusive though i do believe more than all other kinds of consensual sex, it has the easiest leap to get there if partner's dont listen to eachother or try to push boundaries the other is not comfortable with. I think actual full on rape play sounds horrendous and bad and i dont think people should do it but i literally have no way of stopping them if theyre doing it behind closed doors. I think pedophiles and abusers should rot because i know how miserable they make the lives of their victims and fostering it in your community even if you claim you would never act on it or its all just edgy jokes or whatever is a horrible way to live and you need to get better and im going to block you and maybe warn people about you if i see you doing those things.

I hope this all made sense and I didnt ramble too much, i genuinely appreciate you sending your message because it helped me take a step back and think more about what exactly i am upset about and I hope this response is helpful for you too.

[likeadog]

okay so im seeing people get anons about this and its coming up in friend groups so i think now's actually a pretty good time to tackle the idea of religious (specifically cultic) abuse in media and how we as an audience interact with it

TLDR: dehumanization and sexualization of cult victims furthers the misunderstanding that cults "don't exist now", and RA survivors would feel much safer in fandom spaces if people acknowledged and analyzed the harmful portrayals of cults in media.

cw: discussions of cults, abuse, and sexual assault

also, if you have questions, please shoot me an ask or dm (off anon preferably, though)

let me start this with a disclaimer that i dont think every media that features ra is inherently bad. i think thats a bit harsh and as an ra survivor ive come to terms with the fact that there are going to be depictions of it in ways that maybe dont give it the respect it deserves, and trying to "what about [x]" everything will only lead people to talking in circles with themselves. what i want to address here is how you, as a consumer, respond to and parse out what cultic abuse means in any particular portrayal of it.

*also please don't harass people about their RAS status, like, if you see someone enjoying something with a less than stellar portrayal of cults, don't send them asks or dms like "well are YOU a cult survivor?" reducing the consumption of media to a yes or no game based on identity-- especially an identity that comes as the result of explicit pain and spiritual violation is not only derivative but also degrading to survivors and the people you're grilling. all we want is for people to think carefully about what they spread and portray, and how they think about those situations.

so, i think the first thing to tackle is...what is a cult? This is something that's surprisingly hard to define, especially in fictional settings with fictional cults. For example, (and pardon the use of this example, I don't feel like hunting for others), My Hero Academia has an organization in it that I would say fits the criteria for being a cult, but by and large isn't considered one by fans because it's not explicitly called a cult. (Although numerous cult jokes have been made about it). It also has an organization that IS explicitly referred to as a cult.

So, when you're dealing with how to process what is and is not a cult-- and how to make your presence safe for RA survivors, you have to be able to sift through more than just "did the narrative tell me this is a cult?"

There's a few different models people use; one of the most popular being the BITE model-- but I should clarify that the BITE model is really tailored towards religious and strictly hierarchal cults, but can be applied to other kinds of cults.

(and yes, there are cults other than religious/spiritual ones. corporate cults and wellness cults have been on the rise, and it's good to keep that in mind both when engaging with media and also in the real world.)

However, I'm a religious cult survivor, so a lot of my experience is strictly irt this, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, and know that I don't speak for every cult survivor, every religious cult survivor, or every religious abuse survivor. I am One Guy on the internet.

When it comes to media, I have a few questions I run through in order to figure out if something is A Cult.

1) Fringe Ideas. This one is one of those that most people know-- and often incorrectly use to attribute cult status to other things. However, it is worth mentioning, that you don't become a cult by following mainstream ideologies. BUT. BUT. not every group with weird ideas is a cult! Some groups are just weird and are fine being weird. It's a rectangles and squares situation. All cults have fringe ideas and behaviors, not all fringe ideas and behaviors belong to cults.

2) Hierarchies. Cults always have people in power, at least in my experience. There have been ideas thrown around about "completely decentralized cults"-- but to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that concept, and I don't know enough about it personally to say whether or not it's legitimate. If you have any sources, hmu.

BUT. Most cults have a power structure. You're going to have leaders, usually with a handful at the verrrrry tippy top, whose word is law. This can be associated with things like religious ideas (channelling god) or being "a genius", like in corporate cults.

3) Control. I cannot stress this enough; cults are all about control. How you think, feel, behave-- they discourage critical thought, encourage snitching on each other, buddy-group behavior; the BITE model explicitly lists these models of control.

4) Us V Them. Cults will give all those that oppose them or simply don't believe them a bad name. They're uneducated, they're evil-- it varies cult to cult, but you'll see them turning the non believers into a homogenous, frightening group. They want to discourage looking outwards, and they want to viciously isolate members.

Other things of note are extremism, talks of enlightenment, harsh punishments, the cult eating large portions of the member's finances, etc.

However, this post is largely to address FICTIONAL cults. and the unfortunate fact of the matter is that fictional cults are rarely fleshed out in a way that can be held one to one to a model, and, more often, don't even afford the victims of a cult humanity.

and this is one of THE biggest issues you find in cult portrayals. the leader is usually a charismatic, or perhaps menacing, figure, one that usually our protagonists-- who are rarely cult victims, they are typically outsiders (not inherently bad, mind you)-- faces personally, with the hoardes of mindless zombies forming one giant hurdle.

Naturally, this can be...hurtful. There's nuance to who is and is not a victim in a cult (although my rule of thumb is to look at what abuses that person specifically exerts over others-- and you can be both a victim and perpetrator of abuse. to treat them exclusively is lacking all nuance), but the people are the bottom, even if they joined willingly, are people who were preyed upon. Not only that, but many media cults forget that people can be born into cults, and never really had a choice to begin with. To treat these people like they are mindless-- or that they deserve the suffering they are in because they are there-- completely erases all nuance, humanity, and understanding to the cult survivior struggle. Not only that, but it continues to sensationalize and deify cult leaders, which is doing their job for them, really.

The second biggest issue is the romanticization and sexualization of cults, religious abuse, and cultic abuse.

(yes...this is a thing.)

The use of cults as a way to make a character edgy or tragic is one thing, but there's something sinister about using it to project a certain sexual behavior onto that character-- whether it be as the subjugator or subjugated. Sexual abuse is rampent in cults, and ritualistic sexual abuse is used to justify it. To sexualize the idea of a cult(ist) raping and abusing someone is...beyond offensive to anyone who has been in a cult where their sexual safety and autonomy has been compromised. Or, in some cases, the cultist is so naive and sheltered they can be easily coerced and taken advantage of due to their brainwashing.

This is...bad? This is bad. To ignore the fact that these depictions are just as harmful as any other romanticization of abuse is to ignore the real suffering of cult victims.

Really, the larger problem is that people don't really think cults exist, not really. They're all things of the past, or things that exist solely in fiction-- when in reality, every day cults form and continue to grow. If you've ever met a mormon, you've met a cultist. The moment you begin to process and parce the fact that this isn't as bizarre and unusual and fictional as it seems, you take the steps to respecting people who have been in that situation and become better at detecting cults, cult recruitment, and are able to more clearly assess what you take in.

Once again, there's so many bad portrayal of cults that it would be...stupid to call for an immediate disowning of anything with it in it. I personally have come to terms with the idea that I will have gripes about these portrayals in most cases, but rarely do I see people other than fellow RA or cult survivors discussing these portrayals. I'm hoping people can become more aware and willing to discuss cults in a serious and analytical context and criticize how they're portrayed in the things they love.

And once again, cult survivors are NOT a monolith. If a cult survivor expresses they are uncomfortable with something I said here that I'm not, or vice versa, listen to the people who actively surround you and whom you care about.

[philtstone]

I would LOVE to read your take on 13 from the kiss list for your choice of pairing 😎

#13 -- "frustrated kisses". em sent me this w the eye emoji implied and i decided to curveball it into another dimension entirely. i'll make it up to u in the next prompt ...?

thank u to @parlegee and @firstelevens for proofing this for me and helping me work out the weird pacing kinks! sorry again abt how long this got, except im not really bc there needs to be 203948394 times more content for these 2; hopefully i have done this first attempt a modicum of justice.

“It is nice to meet a man with similar taste to one’s own,” T’Challa says, as if he’s commenting on the weather.

Sam must be looking at him a bit confused, so he clarifies,

“The coffee, Captain.”

“Oh. Oh – yeah, of course.”

The last time Sam was in Birnin Zana, he didn't really have a chance to soak up the culture. An unfortunate side-effect of the world very immediately ending, he thinks, which is a crying shame, 'cause this home brew is incredible.

"A special Border Tribe blend," the king explains. "My wife and mother insist it is too strong. Shuri, of course, believes the imported startup stuff from Kenya to be more interesting, and my most trusted General drinks exclusively tea.” He sighs, probably more dramatically than is necessary, and says, “they do not tell you when you become king that no one will want to enjoy a good cup of coffee with you in the afternoon. A very trying way to live one’s life, eh?”

T’Challa has an easy, personable way about him that Sam finds he likes immediately. He’s seen it before, sort of, in snatches. Only a really nice person, Sam’s always thought, would go through the shitshow that was the UN, come out the other side more put together than before, and offer the rest of their mess what was essentially open-invite political amnesty for the next two years. There was no way the King of Wakanda wasn’t, as Sam’s nephews might phrase it, the coolest ever dude.

Still; this might be the first time Sam’s really spoken to him like this. Like, shoulder to shoulder, as equals. He’s never really entertained the concept before. It’s a little weird. Pleasant, though.

He’s a comfortable presence at Sam’s side.

Sam, informed recently by both his sister and his friend that he is a total coffee snob, says,

“I think it’s great, your Majesty.”

Their walk has taken them slowly from the small coffee house in city proper – a clay hole-in-the-wall not unfamiliar in its vibe to Sam, though the beaded decor framing the entryway was encrypted with forceshields and the smokey inside had a high tech e-transfer payment system set up entirely waived when the elderly barista recognized his newest guest – through the Golden City Marketplace, past the colourful geometric architecture that shapes the terraces leading up to the Palace gardens, and now along the quiet walkway immediately preceding what Sam remembers is the courtyard they came through on their way down.

It’s a nice reprieve from the bustle of the first level, though Sam didn’t mind the energy. Even post-Blip, this place is thriving more than most. He’s sure there are reasons for that that are infrastructural and mostly beyond his cursory understanding of messy global economic systems. Then again, some things are plain for anyone to see. Sam’s spent the last twenty minutes watching as T’Challa stops every few steps to greet an old friend or speak with a grinning child. It’s so different from what he knows, what he’s come to expect of politicians from experience and education. And then, at once, the easy grace of knowing your people isn’t foreign at all to Sam. That part feels like home.

Heat’s dry, though. That’s so much the opposite of home it’s almost funny.

“So,” T’Challa says, now, in the new quiet of their surroundings. “You requested this visit claiming you had two things you wished to accomplish. What was the second thing?”

Sam takes a deep breath and looks squarely ahead, his hands in his pockets.

“I wanted to apologize,” he says.

They start climbing the steps of the first terrace.

“For Zemo.” The king is looking ahead, a mild look on his young face – Sam forgets sometimes that they’re almost the same age, T’Challa feeling somehow at once both younger and older than him – but there’s a note of gravity to his tone that has Sam hesitant. He feels strangely like there’s a test here he’s gotta pass.

“I know,” he starts, “I mean, your Majesty, I know – it wasn’t my responsibility the way my apologizing might come off, but I shouldn’t have just let it play out.”

“And you requested this visit so that you could tell me so.”

“I … requested this visit so I could thank you for the suit.”

“You are very welcome for that, Captain.”

“And so I could apologize.”

The bustle of the city sounds warm behind them, and their path is flanked by what Sam’s been told are arula trees. He picked that up years ago, when Steve brought ‘em here the first time. Weirdly, being around the short, wiry shapes of the stuff makes him miss his sister again, like the echo of a memory.

Sarah’s just a phonecall away these days. It’s relieving to be able to remember that.

“It was not your responsibility,” T’Challa comments.

“No.”

“But you feel responsible for those involved, in the way that one does.”

Sam sighs. “Not in a bad way.”

“I did not say it was bad,” T’Challa says quietly.

Sam looks down, pulling the small silver coffee cup pressed upon him by the shopkeeper out of his pocket. It’s decorated in dark, ornate designs, complicated but simple at once.

“I still wanna apologize.”

“On behalf of yourself, or Ingcuka Emhlophe?”

It takes Sam a second. “Uh. Myself.”

The corner of T’Challa’s mouth twitches. He seems to contemplate this answer for a second.

“Good,” he says finally. “He has done his own type of penance.” He inhales deeply, shoulders pulling back. As it has been the whole afternoon, he walks near silently, even on the flat tread of his sandals. Sam’s gotten used to Bucky’s accidental ghost walk, but this has a graceful deliberation to it that’s entirely different. “And ... we are a people of honour and dignity. But I understand what it is to make the pragmatic choice in the face of painful circumstance.” There’s a sudden weight to his expression, a weariness that’s crept in under the good-humour. On instinct, Sam pushes his own shoulders back, and angles himself to face T’Challa more directly. He says, more loudly, “I appreciate your apology, Captain. But be very much assured that Wakanda is not in the habit of giving gifts to those she does not consider friend.”

Sam blinks. He’s sure Sarah would be laughing at him right now, something about how he always talks a lotta shit for someone who gets thrown so easy. He decides to compartmentalize. Maybe he will call his sister later, so that she can geek out a little on his behalf. Sam realizes he has been staring at the King like a stunned catfish for the last thirty seconds.

“I’m – I’m honoured you think so, your Majesty.” 

They resume their walk; Sam matches T’Challa’s gait. The sun’s nice and warm above them. He feels compelled, after a second, to add something.

“You know I’m not – I’m not military anymore. It’s just Sam.”

“You do not have terms of respect in Louisiana?” T’Challa asks, turning his face towards Sam’s, a note of warm amusement in his voice that was probably tucked away there the whole time. It’s so genuine, but clever, too, like a subtle gottem that’s becoming more and more obvious the King seems to favour. Sam glances over his shoulder, to where he knows two Dora have been following them their whole walk. A respectful distance of course; T’Challa had seemed completely unbothered, even going so far as to quietly ask Sam whether they should get some to-go cups for their vigilant guard, the muted humour held carefully in his mouth. Now, clearly visible in the empty side street they’ve taken, Nomble lifts her chin in pleasant greeting, while Ayo, beside her, offers Sam a single, unquestionably challenging eyebrow.

T’Challa is still smiling.

They enter the palace grounds through a small side door. Once again there are genial greetings exchanged with a few stray ministers, what appears to be a handful of young Dora off-duty recognizable by their distinctive tattoos and shaved heads, and a joyful old woman with giant spacers in her earlobes who appears to be a gardener. They come to a stop by a small mosaic-patterned table housing a young woman with an elaborate head wrap and a little boy, absorbed by what looks to Sam like an overcomplicated board puzzle. The girl’s got this indulgent look on her face, half-exasperated.

“Ngentlonipho, kumkani wam.”

“Mhlobo wam,” T’Challa says, a note of open warmth in his voice that was not there before. He leans down, “Eyam, what are you doing?”

“Auntie Shuri’s puzzle,” said with great concentration.

“Ey. All afternoon?”

“It is a hard puzzle,” the little boy says, frowning intensely at pieces in front of him, round-cheeked and probably not much more than five years old. T’Challa gives Sam an amused, private look over the top of his curly head.

“No kiss hello for Baba?”

A very frustrated sort of kiss is dutifully pressed to the king’s offered cheek, before all attention is immediately turned back to the puzzle, the frown deepening between small, strong brows. Sam can’t help but eye Shuri’s set up over the top of the prince’s head. He has to admit it’s making his own head spin a little; the dedication to cracking it is kind of impressive.

“He has eaten?”

“An hour ago, my King.”

“Thank you, Sifso. A very hard puzzle, eh?”

“Ewe.”

“Your mother is looking for you, you know.”

“Ewe.”

“Azari. Awumlindeli umamakho. You do not make your mother wait.”

A mild look of contrition, sweet-faced like it usually is on kids, registers on the tiny prince’s face. Sam watches in amusement as the boy gathers up his stuff – the whole puzzle box put together is larger than his head – and holds it in too-short arms while he drops a second respectful – if childishly rushed – kiss goodbye to his father’s cheek and then makes a toddling beeline for the courtyard gate.

Sifso hurries after him with a hasty formality in the king’s direction, the end of her headscarf trailing behind her.

“Some puzzle,” Sam says, and T’Challa bursts out laughing, the kind that’s full of pride.

“Shuri does nothing but encourage him. Iyaphuma esandleni. He’s going to outsmart his mother one of these days, and then we will all be done for.” After a moment, he says, into the following quiet, “An interesting burden, to be responsible for people you do not know, and people you know so intimately, at once.”

Then he places a light hand on Sam’s shoulder, the other held behind his back, and continues their walk, through the palace courtyard.

*

Ingcuka Emhlophe -- white wolf

Eyam -- "my own"

[wistfulwatcher]

Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

[electricea-a]

So.

I’m sure some eagle-eyed bloggers have already taken notice of the URL change and while I thought of putting this up tomorrow, I just wanted to say this all really quickly tonight.  I rebooted this blog some years ago and I honestly feel like it was one of the best decisions I made on here.  I got to reconnect with older muns and even had a chance to get to know some of them better and at the same time, I got to meet lots of new people too as they came and went.  Some are still active, some are not but such is roleplaying.

I know this probably isn’t really a surprise, I’ve alluded to this before.  To be honest, I’ve been setting and moving goal posts for myself in regards to this - like at first it was, ‘I’m gonna reboot in the new year, make it official’, which then became ‘well I’m gonna reboot after Halloween’ and the more I kind of thought about, the more I realized there wasn’t any real reason to procrastinate on this.  I’m still gonna write, I’m still gonna do all of the things I wanted to do before, a new URL won’t really change things.  But change is always still kind of scary nevertheless and my 2021 resolution (because 2020 is cancelled for me) has been to try and keep an open mind and do things, even if they’re scary.

If this post comes off as rambly or weird, I apologize, this was kind of a spur of the moment decision that just kind of came to me.  First and foremost, I want to make it clear that this is only goodbye to this specific blog and this specific URL.  This is not goodbye to Jassi, or Ryuji or to electricea, or to Tumblr.  Maybe it will be in a few years, but for now, this is only a goodbye to a blog that I feel has been around for a good long while and now it’s time for a reboot, for a change.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be one of those muns who can stay on the same blog for years and years and juggle a great deal of followers - to those who can, I have the utmost admiration and respect for, but I think I’m the sort of ‘reboot every few years’ sort of person.  Even though I feel like I have taken great strides in many areas, I do sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed and a bit stressed and I’ll be completely honest, my inactivity has been due to these negative feelings and to mood drops - it’s nobody’s fault and I’m certainly not blaming anyone.  As I said before, I made this worse for myself by setting and moving goal posts when I could have rebooted ages ago and you guys have never been the issue at all.  You guys have given me a hundred reasons to smile and a hundred hours of laughs and good times and so many unique plots and threads that have come and gone and I hope I could do the same for you.

I guess where this whole ramble is kind of leading up to is - I’m rebooting.  If you want to find me, it’s the exact same URL - electricea.  It might be a little wonky because I’m still waiting for the 24 hour change to take effect but it is the same URL as before, it is by the same mun and hopefully will have the same great experience.  Also, when I say reboot I just want to clarify - for anyone worried that all ships or interactions will suddenly be whited out and Thanos snapped out of existence, that will only happen if you want it to. If you IM me on the new blog tomorrow and be like ‘hey we had a ship before i’d like to continue’ or even just be like ‘hey, how about a shippy thread?’ I would be perfectly down with picking things back up where we left off.  This reboot is moreso for myself than anything else, I’m not trying to wipe away and all past interactions or ships here.  I would hope you could still approach me and we could write together comfortably.

Also, just a final note - thanks for making the original reboot some time ago some of the best times I’ve had on Tumblr yet.  You made the time on that blog really special and I’m grateful I got to meet a lot of cool folks.  If you wish to part ways from here, I completely understand and I wish you nothing but the best and harbor no hard feelings.  Thank you for the memories and enjoy your time.  To those who do - and hopefully will (lol) wish to follow me, I’ll put us all out of our misery with this long post and just say uh, see you on the new blog, I hope! Thanks again!

[mimi-cee-hq]

Yahaba’s Type - Yahaba x Reader (Part 1 of 2)

[Masterlist]

[Part 1] [Part 2]

Summary:

Although Y/n was known as the clown friend, she wasn’t very comfortable around Yahaba. But that started to change when she saw him awkwardly practising his tosses by himself.

AO3 link if you want to read there instead.

Match-up Request:

Hi I’m here for a match up request~ I’m tall (about 1.80) with blonde middle length hair & light brown eyes I’m a bit plump (usually thin but lately I’ve put on some weight) & sometimes I get self conscious about it 😬 been playing volleyball for 10 years as a middle blocker & my team’s ace ☺️ I also enjoy drawing a lot whenever I have free time Im THAT clown friend who gets really happy whenever people laugh with my jokes & I try to cheer people up that way whenever I see someone being down -🦋

So I’m planning on copying and pasting the match-up requests instead of “answering” them because I think it looks better and I can actually save them as a draft. I hope that’s okay. Also, I did not expect this character for my first match up, but this is the one with the plot idea that actually stuck. I hope you’ll like my choice by the end of the story.

Yahaba’s Type - Yahaba x Reader

Words: 1,425

“Can I have your number?”

Y/n unintentionally let a smirk out as she heard Yahaba ask that of her best friend. She knew that the result wasn’t going to be pretty but she figured that he’d be getting what he deserved.

“Oh. Okay,” Chiaki replied with an innocent smile.

As Yahaba handed his phone to her to enter her number, Y/n noticed that he felt a shiver run up his spine. She glanced at the boy who sat at the back of their classroom, waiting for him to make his move. “Let me guess,” said Y/n with a smirk. “She’s your type?” Chiaki was a slim and tiny girl with short black hair. In contrast, Y/n was tall and slightly plump with medium length blond hair.

“Oh, Kyo-chan!” Chiaki smiled at the boy who approached them from behind. “Why aren’t you sitting at your desk?”

Yahaba stared at Chiaki like she was crazy, but Y/n wasn’t surprised. With Kyotani Kentaro’s reputation, nobody would dare to call him Kyo-chan - except for his girlfriend of course.

After Kyotani glared at Yahaba, Yahaba surrendered his phone to him as if asking for mercy. Kyotani had the urge to smash his phone right there but Chiaki smiled at him and told him not to do anything rash. “He’s your friend, right?” she asked. “It’s fine if he has my number.” With that answer, Kyotani reluctantly gave the phone back.

“I thought I was going to die,” Yahaba mumbled to himself after he released his breath. Y/n just snickered at his reaction. After Yahaba recovered, he asked Kyotani, “Do you still go to the community center?”

“Why would I still go there?” asked Kyotani.

“Just wondering,” Yahaba simply replied.

Y/n didn’t think much of Yahaba’s question until the following week. Her dad had gotten a cold and asked her to manage the volleyball group for him. He knew that he could rely on her for that since she was the captain of her school’s team and had been playing for years.

When their volleyball association wrapped up for the night, Y/n packed up her belongings and left. But she realized that she had forgotten her knee pads on the gym floor, so she walked back to the community center to retrieve them. She didn’t expect to see Yahaba in the gym when she got there.

She watched as his practised his tosses. She still had the urge to play, even though everyone else from her dad’s volleyball association had already left. But she hesitated since she didn’t know Yahaba very well and had always felt uncomfortable around him. She did know that he was the captain and main setter for the boys’ volleyball team though.

“Ack!” Yahaba said as he froze when he saw Y/n at the entrance of the gym. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Enough to see that you were practising your tosses,” laughed Y/n. She had watched him throw the ball to himself and volley to his imaginary hitters. It looked kind of awkward for him to practise like that, so she decided to help him out a bit. “I can throw the ball to you and spike your tosses if you’d like me to,” she said with a grin.

“Do you even know how to play volleyball?”

“I’m the ace on the team, you idiot!” she told him. Although, she wasn’t really surprised he had forgotten that she was on the team. Even though she had to present a speech before the whole school on clubs day as captain, she knew he had only paid attention to the girls that caught his interest.

“Oh, sorry,” he replied. “What are you doing here though?”

“I was going to ask you that,” said Y/n. “Why don’t you just practise at the school gym?”

Yahaba looked away, not really wanting to answer her question. Y/n figured that he didn’t want his team to know how hard he was working for some reason. So with a mischievous grin, she picked up a volleyball and threw it at him.

“Hey! What was that?” Yahaba complained. He blocked the ball with his arms so that it wouldn’t hit his face.

“I was expecting you to be able to set the ball to me,” laughed Y/n. “You’re supposed to be a great setter, right?” But the words she said to tease him and make him laugh looked like it had hit his sore spot. Just when she started to regret it, Yahaba volleyed the ball toward her face.

“You were supposed to spike that one, Ace,” he said with a smirk. Y/n laughed at his comeback and properly tossed a ball to him this time.

The two of them practised together at the community center over the next few days. Y/n would run up to the net at different locations: left, middle, right, and other locations in between. Yahaba also practised setting from various spots on the court in cases where he wouldn’t get a good pass. This was all to help him practise the precision in his sets so that he wouldn’t give a toss that was too long or short during a game.

Since Y/n was a middle blocker, they also practised quick sets since she had experience with them. This was good practice for her as well since she had to learn to adjust to his sets. She had gotten too used to her setter.

“I think your sets have been getting better, but shouldn’t you do this with one of your teammates?” asked Y/n.

Yahaba just ignored her question and instead said, “Here, give me your number,” as he handed his phone to her.

Y/n looked at him in disbelief, “Are you seriously trying that again?” she asked with a laugh. “Didn’t you learn anything from last time?”

“Why do you have a boyfriend?” he asked with a smirk.

“No,” Y/n replied with a pout.

“I’m not hitting on you,” he clarified. “It’s just handy to be able to practise with you.”

Y/n didn’t really like how he worded that, but gave him her number anyway. “Fine. It’s good practice for me too anyway.”

Y/n later learned more about the boys’ team. She never really watched their games since she was too focused on the girls’ team and improving her own skills. From Watari, she had heard about Oikawa and how Yahaba had to fill in his shoes. Oikawa had the ability to draw out his team’s potential as a setter and it seemed like Yahaba struggled to be like that.

Yahaba and Y/n continued to text each other to see when they were free to practise some more. Y/n started to gradually get more comfortable around him and started being the goof ball she usually was.

“Can I have your notes?” Y/n asked Yahaba one day in class.

“What? Why do you need them?” he questioned. “You probably have better notes than I do.”

“Just give me your notebook.” When Y/n got his notebook, she ran out of the classroom with a goofy smile. Later when she returned his notebook, Yahaba raised an eyebrow, wondering why she was trying to hold back a grin. He decided not to care about it - until he accidentally let out a loud laugh in the middle of a lesson.

“Sorry, sir,” he apologized to the teacher. He tried to keep his mouth from letting out another laugh. Y/n looked away from the scene, trying to keep her own laughter as quiet as possible. In his notebook, she had doodled an ugly version of Yahaba with Oikawa’s hair, saying, “I believe in all of you.” Further down the page was a drawing of Yahaba trying to call each member of the team by their nickname with each of them giving him a look of disgust.

The teacher continued the lesson but Y/n glanced at Yahaba to see him with his head down and still shaking from holding his laughter. Y/n was glad that he found it funny. She was a bit worried because she was poking fun at him and his senpai. Seeing that it cheered him up made her feel giddy.

“You don’t need to be like Oikawa :),” she had written on the bottom of the page. Yahaba looked at her with a smile of appreciation. She smiled back. But then she remembered something that Yahaba said in their second year of high school.

“I only like short, skinny girl,” said Yahaba.

“You really are a shallow guy,” commented Kyotani.

“Well, I never denied it.”

*****

I hope you’re interested in part two. :)

[Part 1] [Part 2]

[Masterlist]

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[manggojooz]

Pick A Side (Part 9)

pairing: Taehyung x reader

word count: 2,130

genre: university!au; angst; romance; a bit a bit of thriller

warnings: slight references to voyeuristic behaviour

previous part: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

taglist: @destiel1597 @mila271 @hopetookmysoul @ximaginx @honeyursosweet @coffeecupyoongs @bangtanbaesstuff @annoyingpessimist @betysotelo18 @okaysoplshelpme @igot7bangs @tahaing @lowkey-kpopstan 

comment: it has been a while, i feel a little rusty =/ but if you enjoyed this, i will be veryyy happy if you could help me by reblogging it or leaving a comment <3 

Two girls were sitting on a bench under a barren tree when you walked past them. “That’s her, that’s her...”, one of them whispered to the other. You sauntered on soullessly, as if there were invisible shackles affixed to your ankles. The howling wind reminded you that you have yet to experience the coldest.  

Self-doubt, self-blame, self-victimisation; you wanted to put all that down. This time round, you were certainly neither the perpetrator nor the victim, but it was still arduous for you to stagger down the walkways towards the main cluster of university building.  

You stopped at the doorsteps of the student office, dreading the fact that you were about to enter alone.  

When you had opened your eyes that morning, it didn’t feel this lonesome. There was a recognisable sound palpitating in your ears. Maybe you still wouldn’t recognise his handwriting, maybe you still wouldn’t recognise his scent or his warmth, but from now on you were sure you would recognise his heartbeat, because it reminded you of this safety, no matter how fleeting.  

“Where are you going?”, Taehyung asked after you got up, preparing yourself to head out.  

“To the student office... I just want to see if they found anything new and to clarify that I’m not the one they are looking for. I realised I didn’t really make it clear the last time”, you spoke in a soft voice.  

“Good thing I don’t have classes this morning”, he yawned while stretching his back and legs. You walked over to where his coat hung at the window.  

“You don’t have to come with me”, you replied, taking his coat off the hanger, it was mostly dry by now.  

“Why? I’ve got time anyway, let’s go together”, he pouted slightly.  

You held out his coat, “Thanks for everything last night. At least now I feel like I shouldn’t doubt or victimise myself. This time I did nothing wrong, and I can’t be the one cowering here. Whether Jihyun believes me or not, I have to make things clear.”

“Yeah ok, so let’s go toge-”, he stood up while insisting.  

“I can do it myself”, you cut him off short, “I have to... you won’t always be here.”

He reached out to take the coat from your hand. You hadn’t let go, and he doesn’t pull it over. “I can if you want me to”, he whispered, words shaky.  

Facing the glass door outside the student office by yourself, you regretted sending Taehyung away with the excuse that he needed to get himself ready for class later. You thought the misunderstanding was only with Jihyun. What you didn’t know was how the entire world seems to have taken the side that perpetuates you as the culprit.  

This feeling was all too familiar.  

The automatic glass door suddenly glides open and you see two pairs of shoes walk out. Jihyun looked at you inscrutably, but you frowned in perplexion at the person next to her.  

“Y/N”, he did not look the least bit startled, “are you here to see Ms. Helen too?”, Haejoong enquires in his gentle tone as usual.  

You decided to put your bewilderment aside for the moment and took a step towards Jihyun. She uncontrollably stumbles an inch backward, Haejoong immediately side stepping an inch so that Jihyun was half-hidden behind him.  

You stared up at him wide-eyed, wondering what on earth he was trying to do but he only gives you a look of assurance and concern as though telling you that he is doing this for your own good. He shook his head slightly as though advising you not to approach Jihyun right now.  

“It’s not me”, you whispered with conviction at Jihyun. You felt like she didn’t think it was you either from the way she looked unwaveringly into your eyes. But then you became unsure when she suddenly tugged at Haejoong’s arms to indicate that she wanted to leave and he naturally escorted her away.  

---

You walked into class later than usual that day. Taehyung was already there and he perked up when he saw you. Instead of going up to him, you chose to sit at the furthest corner of the classroom again. Taehyung picks up his bag and marches over to you, ignoring all the stares he was getting, and he plants himself down next to you.  

You glared at him, hoping he would realise that you would much rather not garner such attention thanks to him but the moment was cut short when Taehyung suddenly gawked towards the door. You looked over too and saw Haejoong walking in with Jihyun following close to him, Haejoong side-eyes the rest of the class who were murmuring as they entered and whispered something to Jihyun before bringing her to sit down near the door.  

You felt the stares starting to converge onto you instead, and you scanned the classroom, many of your classmates averting your eyes immediately when you looked at them. The feeling was suffocating you again. Is this some kind of déjà vu? When the class ended, you promptly dashed out of the classroom as fast as lightening. Taehyung tried to chase after you but he lost you somewhere in the crowded corridor.  

You had barely made it out the building when you got a message from Jihyun, “Do you have time? Can we meet in the painting room for a short while?”  

---

“Hey...”, you murmured as you entered the room where Jihyun sat alone amongst the canvases and easels.  

“Hey”, Jihyun watches you walk up to her.  

“I umm...”, you tried to start the conversation but she took it from you.  

“I know it’s not you... but it’s difficult not to listen to anything.”  

It startles you that despite all that had happened to her, she was trying her best not to jump to the wrong conclusions about you. There must have been a reason why Taehyung was friends with her for so long after all.  

“I’m sorry you are going through such a thing”, you stammered as you struggled to find a response.  

“It’s not your fault... and you were right about one thing”, she looked down at her tightly-clasped hands and you could tell she was nervous.  

You faced her with puzzled eyes as she continued to speak.  

“Remember when we were fighting over that school bullying video? I thought I was doing the right thing by sharing it. But you asked me what if this wasn’t what the victim wanted? At that time, I thought you were just picking a fight with me, because whatever I did, you didn't like it. Now I know it was me, I was the one picking the fight with you. Whatever you said to me, I didn’t like it.”

“Jihyun, you-”, you tried to interject but couldn’t.  

“Y/N, you were right. The victim doesn’t want awareness, or for more people to help, sometimes the victim just wants to be left alone, and for everything to blow over, quickly, quietly...”, her sorrow and helplessness were increasingly decipherable.  

“I’m sure they will catch the culprit soon, don't listen to the things that other people say, we did nothing wrong, we...”, you tried to comfort her.

She lets out a deep sigh, “You must feel so disgruntled right now, since everyone keeps spreading the same rumours. Just now after the lesson I overheard a group of classmates talking about it too... and so I told them I don’t think it was you, and guess what they asked me?”  

You had no answer to her question.  

“They asked me... if it wasn’t you, why is Haejoong sticking by my side, taking care of me instead of you?”, she scoffed.  

This was the same question you had as well. And now you realise why the feeling is all so familiar – because someone who had always been by your side suddenly isn’t, and so the world again assumed that you were at fault after all.  

---

Taehyung was controlling his urge to confront Haejoong, so he devolves instead into glaring intently at Haejoong, who was standing at the vending machine in the school cafeteria.

“What are you sulking about now? Although if I were you, I'd probably be sulking too...”, Yoongi comes up to the seated Taehyung with two cups of coffee.  

“Nothing...”, Taehyung’s eyes were still glued to that annoying back view, not thinking that Yoongi will understand his dilemma.  

“What are the chances Kim Taehyung, that both your ex-es are involved in a situation like this. You must feel like you are in no position to do anything for any of them, right?”, Yoongi slides one of the drinks in between Taehyung’s hands.  

“How did you know that?!”, Taehyung exclaims.  

“Pfft, I may not look like I care very much but I know what’s going on around here, alright?”, Yoongi sits down across from Taehyung, unintentionally blocking his view of his nemesis.  

“As if it isn’t already frustrating enough that I can’t do anything, now I even have to watch him do this to her...”, Taehyung mutters without parting his teeth.  

“Who’s him?”, Yoongi turns around to glance towards the direction Taehyung was death-glaring at and spots Haejoong walking away.  

“Oh him...”, Yoongi sniggers, “He’s had a crush on her for a long time anyway, he took your pure arts class even though he’s a senior film-making major just to be in the same class as her-”

“If he likes her so much, shouldn’t he be better to her?”, Taehyung spoke agitatedly, not allowing Yoongi to finish his sentence.  

“What more do you want him to do?”, Yoongi asks nonchalantly.  

“What more? What is he even doing now? How can he just leave her in the ditch by herself in a time like this?”, Taehyung was visibly getting more worked up.  

“Huh? Wait wait wait... who are you talking about?”, Yoongi senses that there was a disparity in their conversation.  

“Im Haejoong!”, Taehyung exclaims.  

“Yeah I know that! I mean who is the ‘her’ you are talking about?!”, Yoongi grew a little impatient too, leaning forward to smack Taehyung’s forehead.  

“Y/N, of course”, Taehyung answered, feeling a pinch in his chest.  

“What? No... no no”, Yoongi was taken aback, “Haejoong doesn’t like Y/N...”

“What do you mean he doesn’t like Y/N? Haven't you seen the way he clings to her? Wait... then who is the ‘her’ you are talking about?”, Taehyung frowned.

“Jihyun, Kim Jihyun.”

---

Taehyung dashes out of the cafeteria, looking around frantically trying to find Haejoong but he was nowhere to be seen.  

“It's a well-known fact amongst the film-making seniors that Haejoong has liked Jihyun way before you even dated her. Did you not know that?”, Yoongi’s question must have been rhetorical.  

Taehyung feels like he desperately needs to do something. Should he call you, but what can he ask you? Should he call Jihyun, but what can he tell her? He doesn’t have anything to prove it, but in his heart he feels it – something just doesn’t feel right.  

---

Winter nights always crept up too hastily. The sunset filtered through the windows drawing out your shadow and hers too.  

“Y/N, I know I've been really selfish but it is really difficult for me now. Every time someone looks at me, I would flinch, and I keep feeling like they are all talking about me, and staring at me like I’m some-”, Jihyun’s voice began to break and it echoed in the empty painting room.  

“Jihyun, you are not what they say you are. You are just the victim in this, nothing else”, you assured her.  

She manages to calm down before speak again, “What I'm trying to say is that I know if I accept Haejoong’s help right now it wouldn’t look good on you, but I have nobody else now and somehow he is the only person willing to help me...”

You didn't really focus on hearing the rest of her explanation, all you could think about was how Haejoong steadfastly insisted he would be on your side, but where was he when you needed him too? Why is he suddenly so nice to Jihyun? And why did he lie about the post-its to you? You weren’t feeling upset or jealous and you had no way to prove it but something just doesn’t feel right.  

“Finally found the both of you”, a voice suddenly breaks your trance, it was mellow, but it made you spin around in your seat sharply. Haejoong was standing only less than a metre away and you don’t even know when he had entered the room. He wore his usual boyish smile. You hoped that it was because of the sunset, but the shadows of his smile began to make you apprehensive.  

[leta-the-strange]

Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie. 

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.  

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film. 

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender)  who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow!  And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t). 

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules. 

[oneunicornaway]

Hey so do you guys remember when I was constantly rebloging BNHA stuff, and the thing about me being obsessed with KHReborn? No? Because I do, and im still obsessed. You can pry Reborn from my cold, dead hands

Anyway, here’s a thing I wrote a while ago about Izuku being Tsuna’s cousin.

Its poorly written, but I might pick it up at some point and edit it, so tell me what you think?

News of his father’s death are… well, surprising, mostly. When they get the letter, his mother cries herself hoarse, while he tries to help her and take care her of her while she grieves. He doesn’t know what to think. It’s not that he didn’t love the man, because he did, but the memories he has of his father playing with him and sharing moments with him are distant and dim. It’s not that he doesn’t love his father, it’s just that this love is the one most people would have for a distant relative, rarely seen and barely known. His death saddens Izuku, really, but it doesn’t affect his day-to-day life in the least, and he is left with the realization that Midoryia Renji had only a very small place in his life.

His mom grieves. She cries, and she hugs him fiercely. She stays nearly catatonic when comes the question of the funerals, and then she freezes. She looks like a hollowed husk of herself, and Izuku misses her more than he ever did his father.

Then, as she picks herself up, pieces by pieces, she decides to work more. She goes back to work after nearly fifteen years, and keeps long and tiring days to try and keep them afloat. Renji’s life insurance helps, but it’s not enough, and soon, Izuku and his mother barely see each other anymore. By the time their life seems to have found some semblance of balance, Izuku’s final year of middle school is nearly over, and he has to accept he probably won’t manage to get into Yuuei. Besides, he is thinking about finding a part-time job, because even though his mom is doing the best she can, he can see she’s having a bit of a hard time providing for them both, and helping her by getting a bit of money himself surely wouldn’t hurt.

He’s so caught up in helping his mother he doesn’t except her own action to get them in a better place. He’s surprised enough that he doesn’t protest when she tells him that they need to talk.

“I want you to try the exam entrance for another high school.” She says.

Izuku’s eyebrows shot up. This is not at all what he excepted.

“Mom…”

“This isn’t about your grades.” Inko smiles, with pride in her eyes. “I know you have very good grades, so you won’t have a problem entering the high school you want. I think you even have a chance with Yuuei’s general course. This is not about that.”

She pauses, long enough that Izuku think he might have to ask her to clarify herself, but then, she continues, with a halted voice.

“Since your father died… things have not been easy, you know that, right?” Izuku nods, and she goes on, with a sad little smile. “I’m sure you have noticed, but the money I make is not quite as much as what we had when he was still alive, and I haven’t had lot of time for you recently. Which is why I would like for us to get closer to your aunt next year. You probably don’t remember her very much, I know, but we’ve been in contact since Renji died, and she offered me to help us a bit several times… and I want to accept.” Izuku wants to protest, but she forges on. “I know it’s hard to move so suddenly, and if you get into Yuuei, we will find a way for you to stay around, but otherwise, I think we should better go to Namimori. Your cousin is only a few years older, and Nana tells me he has lots of friends, and I’m sure you’ll find some too.”

Izuku wants to protest, but his mother looks determined and tired, and the words die on his tongue.

“You should go there for the summer, to begin to get acclimated, and I want you to take the exam entrance to their high school. You’ll have time to find your mark before I can sell the house and find a new job around Namimori, alright?”

There’s about a million protests in Izuku’s throat, but in the end, he nods, and says nothing.

 His cousin kind of looked like him, Izuku decided, stealing glances at the older boy. Sawada ‘just call me Tsuna’ Tsunayoshi, shared his wide eyes, and his hair were certainly as fluffy as Izuku’s own. Izuku didn’t remember his father having any kind of fluffy hair, and Nana’s hair were as flat as his mom’s, but it seemed the tendency to have gravity-defying strands was running in this side of his family. Tsuna was nice and awkward, as far as Izuku could tell, and he even had caught him muttering to himself once already. It did seem like they were related after all.

Nana had been cheerful – almost frighteningly so – at the idea of hosting a barely known family member in her house. Izuku had been surprised, but not for long, as it seemed Sawada Nana was in fact happy to host half of Tsuna’s friends on a regular basis. Those friends – and maybe Izuku should just stop excepting anything normal altogether – seemed to be, in part, young children, and it seemed that among the Sawada household’s permanent residents, there were Lambo, eight years old and constantly playing with worryingly realistic grenades, and Reborn, five years old and never to be seen without a perfectly fitted suit or a weird costume on.

The Sawada family, Izuku had determined, after no more than thirty minutes into their house, was weird.

Soon enough, once Izuku had been ushered into his room for the duration of his stay – Nana had cheerfully explained that the house had been renovated and made bigger to accommodate the new guests (and again, didn’t those kids have parents with a house of their own?) – the woman had sent them all out of the house while she was making dinner – to get ice-cream.

Never in Izuku’s life getting ice-cream had been such an ordeal. He didn’t mind, exactly, because in the past, those kinds of event had only been shared with his mom (ang in a distant past, with Kacchan), but the sheer number of Tsuna’s friends made the whole experience pretty confusing. They met in a park nearby, and Tsuna quickly introduced him as the son of his mother’s brother (weirdly convoluted when he could have just said cousin, but at this point Izuku had stopped trying to understand the Sawadas) to his group of friends. And they were a group. There were already three of them waiting for Tsuna and him to arrive, five if you counted the two children already with them, and then they just kept coming.

Izuku was introduced to all of them, while quietly trying not to hyperventilate. First, a silver-haired teen with European feature introduced himself, managing to seem both wary and politely welcoming when he shook Izuku’s.

“It is an honor to meet the Tenth’s cousin.” He said, which… Tenth? Tenth of what? There was a sigh coming from the side Tsuna was on that sounded somewhat reproachful.

“Ahah, Gokudera, no need to be so formal” A tall boy with a cheerful smile on patted the previous teen on the back with enough force to break the other boy’s pose. “I’m Yamamoto” he made a small sailor salute, “nice to meet you.”

“What the fuck, baseball freak!” Gokudera suddenly rounded on him, instantly losing any calm he had seemed to have. Yamamoto only laughed heartily, even as he avoided a punch to the guts.

“I’m Chrome. Nice to meet you.” Izuku jumped slightly as a soft voice addressed him to his left. It belonged to a girl with an eyepatch and a blue ponytail.

“Ah, hello. I’m Izuku.”

She nodded, as if they had reached some sort of agreement, and said nothing more. Then Izuku waited with them for a handful of minutes, standing awkwardly by their side. Tsuna glanced his way from time to time, but he mostly stayed concentrated on Lambo and Chrome, chatting with them about ice-cream flavor and the toys Lambo wanted for his apparently upcoming birthday. Gokudera had stopped listening to them and was berating at Yamamoto, who didn’t seem to mind, and actually looked like he sort of enjoyed being yelled at by the shorter teenager. The other child, Reborn, was somehow perched on a nearby tree, and was observing the scene while petting his lizard.

Nervously, Izuku tried to make a tentative guess at the members of the group’s quirk. The subject hadn’t come up, but he couldn’t help but be nervous about the usual question of “what’s your quirk?” that always cut short his attempt at finding friends. Gokudera’s quirk was actually pretty easy to guess, since he seemed to be using it to make himself more intimidating as he berated Yamamoto. The silver-haired teenager wore a chain with a ring on his neck, and as he was talking, the metal link rose a bit into the air, seemingly immune by gravity. The hothead probably had the same kind of quirk as his mother: the ability to telepathically move small objects. It seemed more potent than his mother’s though, and Izuku wondered if Gokudera had trained himself to reinforce his quirk. Maybe he was a training hero? With his temper, that probably would not be an easy task but it’s not like it had stopped Kacchan… Something that felt like a stone fell down his stomach, heavy and cold. He hadn’t even told Kacchan he was moving away. He hadn’t been able to deal with the mixture of relief and shame that came with getting away from his former friend. Here, Kacchan couldn’t get to him, and he hadn’t had to do anything. Kacchan couldn’t hurt him and he couldn’t see him, and the turmoil of emotions this created was something Izuku could not yet bring himself to face.

Izuku tried to distract himself by trying to deduce the others’ quirk, but to no avail. None of his interaction with the rest of Tsuna’s friends betrayed any kind of quirk that he could identify. Maybe Chrome used something to make herself more discrete, which would explain why he hadn’t heard her before, but that could also have just been him being distracted, or her just not making much noise in the first place. Despite being slightly overwhelmed, he welcomed gratefully the arrivals of the rest of Tsuna’s friends, which forced him to stop thinking about a certain blond.

He was introduced to them as well. There were two girls: Haru, an energetic dark-haired girl, and Kyoko, with a nice smile, and red hair. Kyoko came with her big brother, apparently called Ryohei, and who was, to use his own word… “extreme”. It seemed that with them all of the friends Tsuna was waiting for had arrived, and they all took off towards the little ice-cream parlor.

“So,” began the dark-haired girl – Haru – as they walked side to side “I didn’t know Tsuna had a cousin. Where are you from?”

They began discussing about minor things, sometimes interrupted by Kyoko who divided her attention between their conversation, and talking to Tsuna about a cake she had apparently eaten recently with a girl named Hana. Izuku found that he rather enjoyed himself, and that Haru really was nice and interesting, up until a dreaded question came up.

“So you’re going to high school next year, right? What do you want to do later on?”

“Err…” Izuku hesitated a bit, rubbing the latest burn mark Kacchan had left him under his sleeved hoodie. “I don’t really know… I wanted to be a hero when I was a kid, but now I think it might not be for me…” Some kind of stillness seemed to fall on the group, and Izuku imagined he had seen Tsuna going very tense before them. In a fit of blind panic, he desperately tried to reroute the conversation.

“What about you?” And maybe the word were a bit wobbly, but Izuku was proud of himself for having uttered them anyway. Besides, Haru seemed to roll with it with no problem, so it had worked the way he had intended it to.

“Hahi? Me? Ah, it’s true that we only have one year of high school left…”, she smiled wide and bright. “I’m going to study economics, to help Tsu-kun take over the world!”

Tsuna, this time, choked on air, while Yamamoto laughed high and bright, gently patting him on the back, and Ryohei launched in a “extreme” moment. Gokudera immediately reacted as well, gunning for the girl.

“What did you just say, idiot woman?! The Tenth asked for discretion, do you even know what that is??”

“Don’t call me that, you macho Italian jerk!” retorted Haru, pouting in an angry way.

“Ahah, there’s no need to be so serious, Gokudera! This was just a joke!” Yamamoto grabbed the other boy, putting an arm around his shoulders, and effectively keeping him from trying to strangle Haru. Gokudera struggled and spit angry curses at Yamamoto, though he didn’t seem to actually be making any headway out of the taller teen’s arms. Haru huffed and Kyoko giggled, and all the while, Izuku stood, confused but happy that the derailed conversation had completely distracted anyone from asking more about his abilities – or lack thereof.

“Aah sorry about that” Tsuna had turned toward him, looking at the group still divided between anger, dramatically unnecessary enthusiasm, and fits of laughing with a tired but fond expression. “they like to tease me about stuff.” He was scratching at the back of his head in a quite obvious show of nervousness. “I hope you’re not feeling too left out…”

A bit, wanted to say Izuku. But this was actually the first time he was brought into a group of persons who didn’t seem to feel disdain toward him, so he hardly felt the need to complain.

“It’s okay.” He ended up saying, and Tsuna smiled at him, shy but bright like a sun.

They got ice-cream, and they learnt to know each other. Somehow, without Izuku knowing how or why, the subject of quirk wasn’t breached the whole time, as he learnt that Tsuna and Yamamoto didn’t know what to do after high school, that Gokudera didn’t want to go to university, but that there was no doubt in anyone minds that he would anyway because Tsuna insisted that he shouldn’t waste his obvious talent and taste for studies on his behalf. It also became obvious really quickly, that even though they all seemed to be interesting and wonderfully weird in their own right, they all gravitated around Tsuna. Haru and Gokudera were the most obvious one, as they constantly referenced his opinions on various subject, but there was the way Yamamoto kept including him, the way Kyoko looked at him, with a hint of fondness and pride, and the fact that Chrome and Ryohei interacted with him even when they mostly didn’t with the rest of their crew. Even Reborn, the suspicious child that definitely didn’t act as if he was five years old, stuck pretty close to Tsuna, and talked to him, sometimes, in too quiet a voice for Izuku to hear. It seemed as if Tsuna shone a private light, something only his friends were privy to. Not to say that Izuku didn’t understand the pull, as well. His cousin, despite his awkwardness, seemed to degage some sort of tranquil benevolence, and his smiles somehow seemed to make the surrounding brighter and kinder.

 They are getting back, Lambo asleep and carried into Tsuna’s arms, and Reborn nowhere in sight (“he will be back” Izuku’s cousin had said, without further explanation), when the older boy speaks up.

“Why did you give up on becoming a hero?”

Izuku blinked, taken aback for a second.

“I just… don’t really have the capacities for it, I guess…”

Tsuna hummed, still looking straight ahead.

“You seem smart, though… And determined too. I’m sure you could do it.”

Izuku didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say, and besides, it sounded like the advice of someone who didn’t know anything about him, not even that he didn’t have a quirk.

Tsuna went on, softly, still looking right ahead instead of at Izuku.

“A few years ago, I didn’t have any friends… Everyone called me Dame-Tsuna.”

He looks pensive for a moment, and then looked at Izuku, bright smile and all.

“Things change.”

Izuku staid stunned for a moment, not really knowing what to say. Fortunately, Tsuna didn’t seem to expect him to, and turned back towards the road. They were in fact nearing the house and the younger teen was grateful for an opportunity to escape the conversation with his cousin. Inexplicably, Reborn, the five years old, was waiting for them at the door, and tried to kick Tsuna in the ankles, muttering something that was too low for Izuku to understand. Tsuna easily avoided him, answering in the murmur of what sounded like a foreign language.

 Days like these went on and neither Tsuna nor Nana ever asked to know his quirk, to his relief. During the day, Izuku would accompany Tsuna on his errands and on meetings with friends or stay at home. He had come to appreciate Haru and Yamamoto a lot, even if they didn’t always make much sense, but Gokudera reminded him too much of Kacchan, and he tried to avoid the boy when they met. With time, he had come to notice some kind of pattern in Tsuna’s friends. Apart from Gokudera, who would make small objects around him levitate whenever he got angry with Yamamoto (which tended to happen fairly often, as far as Izuku could tell), none of Tsuna’s friends boasted their quirk, nor talked about them, which was a new and strange experience for Izuku. Even Tsuna, Nana, Lambo and Reborn’s quirks remained a mystery even after a full week living with them.

What had ticked Izuku’s curiosity was also the hushed conversation some of them had sometimes, in what was obviously a foreign language. During a conversation, Izuku had gathered the fact that Gokudera had been born in Italy, and it seemed most likely he spoke Italian, but the fact that most of his friend seemed to understand his alien sounding curses, and that Tsuna and Chrome at least seemed able to hold a conversation in italian seemed a tad strange to Izuku. And if that had been the only thing odd about the group he might have let it go, but Tsuna’s friends shared more strange features. They had an eerie way of moving, for example: not only did they seem to follow Tsuna most of the time, but even when they didn’t, they seemed to always fall back on a kind of loose formation, most of the time with Izuku, or Kyoko at the center of the group of friends. It was so organic to the way they moved that Izuku might not even have noticed it were it not for Gokudera and Yamamoto. Because as much as they bickered (if one could call it that), they mostly stayed close to one another at all time (or maybe it was Yamamoto that stayed close? It was honestly hard to tell), and if Gokudera wasn’t around Yamamoto, he was glued to Tsuna’s side. So the one time Izuku had realized the Italian boy wasn’t kicking Yamomoto’s ankles or gushing around Tsuna, his curiosity had been picked, and he had realized they formed a sort of triangular formation around him. They were just getting some food for Nana to prepare the next meal, but Tsuna was at Izuku’s right, Gokudera at his left, and Yamamoto behind them three.

And the rings. A ring that calm, nice, gentle Tsuna wore on his middle finger like some kind of rebellious kid. A ring that constantly floated out of Gokudera’s shirt, reverently wore on a chain when the boy had four or five others on his hands at all time. A ring that adorned Chrome’s thumb. Even Yamamoto wore one, on a chain on his pants, and Izuku was pretty sure he had seen the glitter of another in Lambo’s hair. They all matched, with the same form and the same ornaments (maybe Tsuna’s was slightly bigger?), and they were all carefully worn, not flaunted for anyone to see. Even Izuku, who could be said to be fairly observant, had took several meetings and a few hours to realize their existence, and their similarity. And supposing all of Tsuna’s friends had one, he had yet to see Ryohei’s, Kyoko’s and Haru’s.

Tsuna himself was rather suspicious. On the days he did not spend with Izuku, he almost inevitably came back home with at least some bruises and cuts, and a faint smell of burned tissue. Most people would probably have missed the smell, but Izuku had been friend with Kacchan, then had been tormented by him, sometimes on a physical level. He knew exactly what smoke smelled like, even the faintest hints of it.

His running hypothesis was that Tsuna and his friend were some kind of gangsters. He would even have believed it, too, if his cousin and his friends weren’t so nice.

If you’re wondering, this is an universe fusion, so basically, the mafia still exists, along with rings and stuff, but Tsuna and co also have quirks, if you wanna make guesses. ;D

[neo-cherryy]

The Girl Who Wants to Die || au

(So this is basically a kinda interview thing that I wrote for the introduction and lead up to me posting my new series in the context of it being like a film- I thought it’d be cute and also kinda give insight to what the series will be like and what its morals are. The idea is something ive wanted to write for a while but have been worried about triggering people or just pissing them off but because this is based around my own personal experiences (I’m known as the director and screenwriter throughout the interview lol) I thought well its not completely made up and its happened to me so yeah hope you enjoy- series will be coming soon) 

it’s also something i’m going to be making into a short film anyway with some friends, so watch out for it as well!!!

If you have any questions about the series then drop it in my Ask; I wrote this purposely to answer/show things before I release the first part because I get the title is slightly misleading in some sense.

INTERVIEW

Question: Can you tell us a little about the story of the film and the characters you play within the film?

Finn: Hi, I’m Finn Wolfhard, and I play Oscar Miller in the film. Oscar is a pretty big film nerd, he’s obsessed with old films and if he was interested in a modern one then it’d have to be like perfect. He has this caring attitude towards very few people, only really his family and these guys’ characters. He tries to help Sophia’s character throughout the film, and really delves in the idea of mental health and how to help someone with it, along with Chosen’s character also. He always has this back up plan of films when he turns up at Avery’s house if she is having a low moment and doesn’t want to go outside or do the list.

Sophia: I’m Sophia Lillis and I play Avery Davies. The film is based around my character, she suffers from mental health issues and she’s pretty suicidal, and she has this deadline of where on a specific date she’s decided to end her life. The boys’ try to change her mind but she’s pretty adamant, so they decide to write a list of things that she should do before she does, eventually they try and help her get through her issues. It’s such a lovely friendship story and definitely based on true situations, some kind of changed to make the film. The whole idea is to bring awareness and encouragement around certain topics, most of the things Oscar says in the film are things that the director and screenwriter had been told or told herself when she went through things. She goes through friendship issues with other people at first, showing people who don’t really help and only think of themselves, and then it shows a comparison to how the boys treat her.

Chosen: I’m Chosen Jacobs and I play Roland Hughes in the film. Roland is a motivator for Avery, he gets her exercising and stuff to help get her active, and he is incredibly protective over the two. Oscar is one of Roland’s friends, probably the only friend he actually has, and their friendship is very open and it shows that boys can talk to each other about things and they shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I like the way that it gives boys credit for being sentimental and also for trying to help.

 Question: So do you think there may be controversy about it even though the story is a true story?

Finn: Definitely in terms of the storyline, yes, but they only ever based it on personal experiences and exaggerated in some cases for obviously entertainment purposes. The whole idea is to help those going through similar situations, and to show friends of someone who’s going through something how they should be treating them and how they can and should be helping.

Sophia: Yeah, so the story is merely based on the director and screenwriter’s own experiences with her friends that she’d made and so they try to keep as much to honesty as possible.

Chosen: You’re always gonna get people who don’t agree or don’t like it but when I found out about the film I was so intrigued, because it’s not really that conventional. It’s more about the topic of friendship and bringing awareness to mental illness and self-help, which I think is important, and each character has their own story and is their own person, if that makes sense.

Sophia: Absolutely, like the director herself actually got through a lot of her issues through self-motivation and friends that she’d made through college. I think the film also really showcases how it’s okay to lose friends if they aren’t good for you. I know people who stuck with people just to avoid arguments, but it didn’t always help them out emotionally because they were never accepting of her, they always brought stuff up from the past. I think its just a very bringing awareness to what we all go through at some point in our lives.

 Question: So, your character, Sophia, wants to commit suicide, what was that like to play a character going through that kind of situation?

Sophia: It wasn’t all that challenging, if im honest, I mean it was tough. She’s definitely depressed, but she doesn’t want to die for the moral reasons of just being sad, you know, there’s a deeper meaning which I think we can all relate to sometimes, not so much as wanting to physically die, but to just scream and have the world just stop and listen. I like the depth of the character and the idea that she wants to die but isn’t entirely sure if she can actually do it or that she actually wants to, well I mean I don’t like that idea but you get what I mean.

Finn: What I like about the character as well, though, is that there are some times where you see from afar on the outside, so to speak, and you wouldn’t really expect her to be depressed if you didn’t know her. It really shows that anyone can be going through anything, you know, and it isn’t always obvious to the eye from the outside. Kinda bringing it back to the awareness concept, I liked it.

 Question: So, you said it’s kind of like a friendship story, is there any love within it as well? (laughs)

Chosen: No (laughs) Not with me anyway, my character just likes to talk about love but im forever alone, but the love he has for these guys’ characters is like beyond anything else.

Sophia: Chosen, that’s so cute (laughs) Basically, you can kinda get this vibe that there’s feelings between mine and Finn’s characters but nothing happens, the film isn’t really about romanticising situations or really even about relationships in those terms, but love is definitely a strong subject because of her parents and their love for each other as friendship.

Finn: The film is just kind of like a love fest of frustration (laughs) it’s like in some case, you want them to just get together and have this whole romantic scene where they spill their feelings, but at the same time, it’s a nice change to them never actually acting on what we see as an audience, you get the senses that they’re like “falling” I guess, but like they both know friendship is more important to them and I guess my character knows it’s not what she needs at that moment, you know.

 Question: Was there any particular scenes that you struggled with to film, like either too sad or just couldn’t get right in one take?

Finn: There’s this part where we had to run and climb things, they were gonna bring a stunt double until they were like ‘yo no they can actually climb’ because we were having races on set to climb over this fence so we kinda screwed ourselves up with that one- so we had to run without stopping and climb all of these walls and fences. There’s a bit where Sophia stacked it on the field and they kept it in and honestly I think my heart dropped out of my arse that day.

(All laugh)

Sophia: I had to learn how to skateboard which isn’t my strongest point because my balance is so shit. I had like 10 people teach me, because originally we were all going to ride bikes but then they thought it’d be nice to have like a little formation of two bikes and a skateboarder in the middle, who was going to be me because they like to be precise with things: two boys on bikes and then a girl in the middle on a skateboard.

Chosen: I had a pretty easy filming process (laughs)

Finn: (hums) Yeah what about that time you had to keep walking in the house because the door kept shutting on you?

Chosen: (cackles and claps hands) Oh my, okay so everytime I stepped on the floorboard the door just closed and it happened several times before someone had to literally stand behind and hold the door and try not to get in shot- but I think a struggle to film, and to watch actually, definitely was the hospital scene, I think it was a really sentimental scene and gave you an insight.

Finn: Took so many takes because even I struggled- (looks to Sophia) because you’re too good, if you were a bad actress I would’ve been fine.

Sophia: (laughs) Sorry guys, but yeah I’ll admit that was tough but it was probably one of my favourite scenes to film, in terms of the depth you then get from my character, like you get this side to her and he tells her that there’s a reason and that she’s meant to help people and be here, am I giving to much away?

(Interviewer nods)

Sophia: Oh god, sorry (laughs) You’ll see it, it’s fine.

Question: There’s a lot of sexualisation going on at the moment with you guys from some people, so at times in the film it can be seen that you are but can you clarify about the topic in the film, especially with your character Finn?

Finn: My character, I guess, is like Richie in terms of jokes. My character says a lot of sexual jokes, but he says them to and about Chosen as well, because they’re close and that’s their humour, you know, but it’s definitely not intended to be sexualised in that way.

Question: Is there any relation to you through your characters? Can you relate in anyway or is it completely separate?

Finn: I can relate with Oscar in being so adamant in wanting to help someone, hating to see someone so lost and down, you know, and there’s this sense of absolute desperation to care for someone. He really cares, so much that it can come across as he’s in love, but I can definitely say I relate a lot (laughs).

Chosen: Like Finn, I can relate with Roland in the sense of wanting to help someone and hating to see someone sad. I also relate with Roland because we’re both pretty big characters, personality wise, always try to motivate and have a laugh.

Sophia: I can relate to Avery with the idea of hating the lack of control of outside of our own life, not to the point of wanting to die, though. But I do understand and I really had to see it from that point of view, which was tough. I can relate with the film loving too, though.

Finn: Oh shit, yeah, (points enthusiastically at Sophia) same actually. The films we watched on the laptop, I highlighted and made sure to actually watch them in my own time.

Question: Like you just said Sophia, about it being tough to get into character, was it hard for all of you to be in a really serious topic with your characters?

Chosen: It’s a topic, and topics, that need to be taken more seriously and understood more. We all searched up about the illnesses and really got into the emotional feeling it held, and I’ll admit it was tough but it was worth it in the end. Sophia did a really great job in portraying Avery in those ways, I can’t imagine having to do it, but just seeing it and acting beside her I struggled sometimes.

Finn: Yeah, for me especially having to act alongside Sophia during the times of her being really down, it was tough but it really brought to light just how they feel and it’s so important for us to show how friends should be helping. I had to cry a lot and also have this massive amount of emotion on most days, it takes a lot out of you, but we had a supportive crew surrounding us. 

Sophia: Like I said, I had to see things from that perspective to try and get in the mind of Avery and it was tough, but it really made me think. 

Question: Have you heard the soundtrack, because I was honestly sobbing through it?

Sophia: I have, actually, and it’s so peaceful and beautiful. I cried too, it’s a proper lump in your throat kind of thing. I’m in love with it, though, but we listened as we did a script read and we had the whole room flooded with tears.

Finn: I cried, yes. 

Chosen: Elaborate, Finn. (laughs lightly) We both sat across from each other during the read and we looked up and we were laughing and crying at the same time, don’t ask me why both, but we just were. 

Finn: I was nervously laughing because I didn’t expect it, it just kinda came out of me, right out of nowhere. It was great, though, it meant that it would be powerful.

Interviewer: Well, thank you for your time, guys, and the film “The Girl Who Wants to Die” will be coming soon.

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

[minhyukie]

hello it’s ur Local Mess here to talk about herself and do a lot of tag games im sorry for being the worst these are literally from within the past like two months and you all probably don’t even remember tagging me or care about my answers but than k you to @ki-hyunie​ @haehoney​ @honeyvevo​ @94wons​ @ckyun​ for tagging me in these i’m putting them all together so that you can all have the ultimate compilation of useless information about me!! please enjoy!!

im not tagging anyone because i don’t want to subject anyone to this but if u too love talking about yourself please tag me because i love hearing people talk about themselves

Name - amy

Age - 20

Height - 5′3 (160 cm?)

Ult Bias - seohyun + minhyuk the two loves of my life :(

Nicknames - i don’t really get many nicknames?? my roommate calls me amu though

Zodiac sign - aries

Favorite fruit - mmm kiwi? raspberries? strawberries? mangos!!! i fucking love fruits i don’t know i love them all

Favorite season - probably summer!

Favorite color - pink!! pink pink pink!

Coffee, Tea or Hot Cocoa - hot chocolate!!!

Favorite animal(s) - GOATS (if ur reading this @ me in goats)

Dream trip - i’ve been there very very briefly but i’d love to live in germany for a little?? i guess that’s not a trip but idk i’d be happy going on a trip anywhere tbh :’)

Number of blankets you sleep with - one!

Dogs or cats - i love my cats!! even though i’ve recently discovered that i’m probably allergic fjdkslf

Side blog - this... used to be a sideblog until i became too involved with mx and snsd :// so i guess my old main is a sideblog? idk @morningcomes​ <<<

Follower count - a little over 700!!! i love u all thanks for putting up w me

When did you start this blog - this particular blog was the beginning of 2017! but ive been on tumblr since like 2010 i think ://

relationship status: it’s... um.... it’s complicated fdkslfjsd let’s just say im in a relationship even though im not sure if we’re actually dating or what we’re doing.... let’s just say that

favorite color: pink!!!!!!!!!!!!

lipstick or chapstick: chapstick

last song i listened to: i really like humble and dna by kendrick lamar so i’ve had those on repeat the last few days!

last movie i watched: ... moana?? god it’s really been a long time since i’ve watched a movie

top three tv shows: friends!!! fullmetal alchemist brotherhood if that counts? avatar the last airbender.. a forever favorite

top three characters: look im the worst at coming up w these things so i’ll just give my favorites from the above shows: rachel!! or monica or chandler i don’t know i love them all :( envy!! winry!!! zuko and toph!

top three ships: ok i just want to clarify like.. pairings and not ships but joohyuk!! hyohyun :’’) and.... wow how am i supposed to limit this to a third one i guess i’ll say kihyuk because im in love with them the past few days

Bold the statements that are true for you!

APPEARANCE:

I am 5′7″ or taller I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have had braces There is something i would change about the way I look

PERSONALITY:

My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Slytherin I am an introvert I like meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports I’ve been on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month I enjoy writing Fandoms are my #1 passion I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event (i honestly don’t know what this means but imma say yes) I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIP:

I’m in a relationship I have a celebrity crush I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend

(ok listen... lemme just reiterate... not sure if what im in is considered a relationship fdjkslfds)

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced I know a person named Jamie I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages fluently I have made a new friend in the past year

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes!!! im so grateful

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? i honestly have no clue i say it all the time through messages but im like... emotionally stunted in real life lmao

3. do you regret anything? yea mostly just opportunities that i should’ve taken that i don’t because i don’t have the will to put in the effort ://

4. are you insecure? not usually!

5. what’s your relationship status? listen.... complicated....

6. how do you want to die? this is 2 morbid for me next please

7. what did you last eat? bugles!!! i love bugles

8. played any sports? i ran cross country in high school for 3 years and did track for one!!

9. do you bite your nails? nope

10. when was your last physical fight? ha h ah haha i don’t think i’ve ever been in a physical fight

11. do you like someone? yea!

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yes... too many times

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? no, not really!

14. do you miss someone? yea i miss a few of my high school friends that i wish i got to see more often and i miss us all hanging out as a group

15. have any pets?
 my family has 4 cats!

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?
 A+!

17. ever made out in the bathroom? damn i was ready to say no but.... i actually have.... im shocked at myself

18. are you scared of spiders?
 in certain situations?? who am i kidding lfjdkslfd yes

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? nah

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? ummmmmm my bed

21. what are your plans for this weekend? sleep and study :(

22. do you want to have kids? how many? idk?? i’m not very passionate about it tbh i’d be happy with anywhere between 0-3 kids

23. do you have piercings? how many? both my ears are double pierced!

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? i fuckin love math!! i would die for math also im pretty good at chemistry physics and computer science idk most things math/science related :)

25. do you miss anyone from your past?
 mostly just the same as before?? miss some of my hs friends

26. what are you craving right now?
 ..sleep

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?
 i don’t think so??

28. have you ever been cheated on?
 nope!

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
 yea :(

30. what’s irritating you right now? too much to do too little time

31. does somebody love you? ..yes? i hope

32. what is your favourite color? pink!!!!!!!

33. do you have trust issues? not really trust issues but like i said before i think im like.. emotionally stunted or smth

34. who/what was your last dream about? i hoenstly can’t remember any recent dreams

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? my ?boyfriend? lmao i cry all the time

36. do you give out second chances too easily? mmm idk? i’ve honestly never really thought about it

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? forget ://

38. is this year the best year of your life?
 noooo

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? 18!

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? fdjskflds no

51. favourite food?
 yo this just jumped from 40 to 51 fjdklsfdjsk anyway um! chicken

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? lmao no that’s some wishful thinking :(

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
 i did most of my computer science lab :/

54. is cheating ever okay?
 no

55. are you mean? sometimes i can be really bad about impulsively saying things and... yea it can be mean :( but like in general? i don’t think im a mean person

56. how many people have you fist fought? i would cry if someone tried to fight me

57. do you believe in true love?
 yea!

58. favourite weather? gimme that sunshine, no humidity with a breeze

59. do you like the snow? yea!! but not excessively

60. do you wanna get married? yeah? but also it’s not like one of my overlying life goals ya know but if it happens that would be nice

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? honestly whenever i hear people say baby in real life i cringe fjdsklfds idk i mean i say it in the tags on here but in real life... nah and i call some of my friends babe but i do it jokingly it just seems weird to do that like.. romantically

62. what makes you happy? getting time to myself!!! to do the things i want to do and relax! to spend time with my friends just relaxing as well! in particular getting to paint and getting to play piano make me really happy and relaxed

63. would you change your name? nope!

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
 nope!

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? ummm did u mean... my current situation jfkdlsfs

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes mostly?? he definitely thinks im a lil weird when im like 100% myself but he still loves me anyway so :’)

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
 ^^^ said above best friend

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my high school best friend?? i think

69. do you believe in soulmates? not really it’s a nice idea though

70. is there anyone you would die for? probably a few of my closest friends

fdskfdlsfjdks hope none of u read all that!!! this deserves to be my about page tbh

[datenight]

hey, i was thinking of u bc im from sort of a similar background and i lowkey rlly look up to u, but it's my first yr at this fancy newengland liberal arts college and ngl it SUCKS and it's way harder than i thought it'd be to come from a low income background/shitty public school/somewhere everyone here assumes is just full of hicks. (½)

i'm strongly considering dropping out to get my RN or at least transferring to my state school... any perspective on this? ppl keep telling me to give it more chances, that it's not even second sem yet, but every day i feel like i'm gonna burst. sry this is a lot, no worries if u don't have anything, ur still a role model for doin what u do and i respect u a ton. (2/2)

first of all i’m thank you for messaging me and i’m sorry if i’m responding to this late!! (i haven’t checked tumblr in like 2 weeks bc i’ve ironically been so busy with school stuff rip) also this is going to be a kinda long response because i love talking about college so i’m going to put it under a cut!

first of all, it means so so much to me that you would say you consider me a role model! that really made my night and meant a lot to me so thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

in regards to your question about transferring it’s ultimately up to you but in my opinion it sounds like you’re really unhappy at your school and i think looking at transferring might be a good option for you. if it’s something you’re really thinking about i would also advise doing it sooner rather than later because, generally speaking, the further you get in your degree the less likely your credits from your past institution are going to transfer over.

i’m a senior in college right now and i’ve gone to the same university since the start of college. i go to a small southern liberal arts university and i’m lucky enough to have had a really good experience here for the most part!

my younger sister on the other hand is a sophomore and transferred to a new university this semester because like you she was really unhappy at her old school and i think it’s definitely been a good move for her. it was also good she got out when she did because not a ton of her credits from her first year transferred over to her new school. i’ve had friends who have transferred to my university who have had similar problems. i think this really varies by degree type though (my sister is a chemistry major and i know the natural sciences are very particular about degree requirements whereas i’m studying sociology and women’s studies which seem to be more open to accepting course substitutions) but this is one practical thing to consider when thinking about transferring.

in regards to place i can tell you there is 100% a bias against the rural south in academia (and everywhere else in the US tbh) that has a lot to do with class, amongst other things. i even see it where i live and go to school even though we are very much in the south. for example, i’ve had professors tell me that they’ve had to catch themselves from rolling their eyes and dismissing students because they speak with strong southern accents. i haven’t spent a lot of time in newengland but it wouldn’t surprise me if a huge bias existed there as well especially among other students (most of whom have probably lived in the north their whole lives.) it’s really unfortunate but i definitely see how coming from a low-income southern background could lead to feeling alienated at a fancy liberal arts college.

this is a very long response but basically i would encourage you to do what feels best in your gut! you’re going to know yourself better than anyone else and you’re going to know what’s best for you. from your message though, it sounds like you might have already made up your mind and you might just be worried about how it would look to other people if you transferred after one semester. and if this is the case, don’t be, there’s not one right way to move through college. my dad took 7 years to graduate from undergrad because he transferred, took time off, and changed his major a few times but now he has his masters degree and he’s been out of school for years. all that’s important is that you’re happy and secure and in an environment where you feel like you can enjoy your studies! and if you’re at a school that’s making you so unhappy you’re not going to be able to put out your best work anyway.

i hope some of this was helpful! if you want to message me again to chat some more please feel free! 

*also to clarify, i don’t come from a low-income background so i can’t really speak to that experience. i do live in a region with a lot of poverty and i sometimes talk about this and the way i’ve seen the people around me affected by poverty but don’t think it would be right for me to claim that experience as my own