#is my mind in the gutter or is there something wrong with how people have been naming things?!?!

[randomfandomss]

Please y'all Google what Penetration Testing is...

[livililla24]

The LADS reaction to those weird ads from Love&Deepspace lately…

Link below and credit:

Zayne is at work when he sees the link you send him with a text message saying “found this on my fyp and I want you to have a look.” Very innocent, he thought. Maybe even work related considering the time of day it was send. Oh, how he was wrong. Zayne was very surprised to see the Daddy plastered on the screen, indicating him. He would be lying if he said it didn’t affect him at all how people saw him. But knowing that now, makes his face heat up a tiny bit.

He shut down the ad immediately and didn’t respond to your message until after work. Later afternoon you’d expect a response from him saying “You know this can mean two things, right? Get your mind out of the gutter- yes, I mean exactly what you’re thinking.” And then nothing. No further comment before Zayne is outside your apartment door. Something tells me he isn’t just staying for dinner…

- Zayne would SNAP wether you whispered or screamed that nickname. No matter what, he’d lose his patient manners immediately.💚

- Despite liking the idea of being called “daddy” he’d rather you would moan his actual name when you’re close. 💚

- For Zayne, the name calling (in that sense) works best for foreplay. 💚

I think Zayne would be into the whole “daddy” thing. Honestly, he might be the least kinky of them all but I doubt he’d miss out on this one. And the ad have probably whispered a little idea into that pretty head of his.💚

Sylus is bored out of his mind in his study and is much delighted to receive a text message from you in the middle of his work day, saying “no idea why this popped up on my fyp but sharing is caring.” Sylus’ charming smirk only widens when the ad plays on. Not even bothering to turn down the volume.

He replies immediately after you send the link. You can practically hear the smug voice through the screen when you read “Is this an indication to something? Come over tonight and I’ll show you what a Master does to his cute kitten.”

- Sylus would come and get you from work with that smug “bed” expression of his that makes your whole body sizzle like a starting fire. 🩷

- The drive home to his mansion is shorter than usual and you can’t help but wonder what caused it.🩷

- He would call you lots of wholesome names during rough sex. Stark contrast but makes it so much better.🩷

I think Sylus would enjoy this a whole lot. Honestly, he’d do anything you wanted during sex. But he has a dominant nature with him actually being a dragon and therefore probably turned on by the “master” roleplay. But would of course never dominate you into something you didn’t like.🩷

Xaiver needs to do a double take…and a third. He just took a nap at you guy’s usual meeting spot - the cafe - and had to sort of wake up properly before reading his name and then the hunted. At first he is so confused, like, what? But then thinks better of it and the gears in his freaky mind starts spinning.

He needs to text you back about the meaning and purpose of the link “I’m confused…what do U mean?” When you reply with equally as much innocence as his question was “I think it’s about the hunter and be hunted in a sense…” his thoughts spiral with confusion and it’s only when he returns home. Laying in his soft bed and looking up at the ceiling, thinking about you, that he understands. A slow smirk appeared on his handsome face and he decided to take action into his own hands.

- He would come downstairs to knock on your apartment door and question you personally about the idea.🩵

- Then he’d allow you to go on with it without hesitation and let you “hunt him down.”🩵

- The rp goes like this: he is tied up, prey to the hunter and can only take what is given. He enjoys being on the receiving end for once but has to get used to being out of control. 🩵

I Think Xavier would be confused about the ad for so freaking long before finally getting it. Mostly because he saw the link right when his mind was still half asleep. He has to get used to being the “hunted” for once but he is obviously open to trying something different with you. 🩵

Rafayel is so flabbergasted when he clicks on the link you send him. Lucky for him that he was in the privacy of his studio. Reading your innocent message makes him a little surprised. I lied. He shrieked at it before blushing a deep shade of red. Both from his sudden reaction and embarrassment.

At first glance he is deeply offended upon finding out that he is, in fact, the Good boy of the group. But after leaving it behind for an hour to focus on sketching, Rafayel finally starts to think better of it. Something within him stirs and makes him feel fuzzy, excited even.

- When you return home he approaches you immediately. Holding up his phone with the ad displayed. He is mad to attempt to get you to put him in his place and call him…that. 💜

- his pouty face is on right until you call him a “good boy” and he melts. 💜

- Rafayel’s moans will definitely turn into whimpers and more often than usual. 💜

I think Rafayel would be much more into it than you would (if that’s even possible) and he would literally ask you to do it just on a normal basis. Outside of sex, he would still enjoy it - to a certain degree before he needs what comes after…💜

(I am not an author and this did NOT turn out the way I wanted. But I thought the idea funny and therefore tried my best🥹)

[justanamesstuff]

I want to be with you everywhere - Matty Healy x f!reader

A/N: I'm not sure if I'm happy with this...let me know what you think!! <3 (takes place before part 1 and 2)

Warnings: fluff, the three words, car sex, hard language, 18+ MINORS DNI!!!!!!

Word count: 3.2 k

Blog Masterlist

Supermarket 

“Matty?” Y/n startled him out of his daydreaming. “My eyes are up here…” she teased him, smiling when his eyes opened a millimetre more due to embarrassment. 

They were trying to empty the shopping trolley with all the food and drinks they brought minutes ago for the barbecue Adam and Carly were going to host in their house. Y/n tried not to think about it because her anxiety would rise to a level she might not be able to keep under control. She already meet Matty’s friends, family, and a lot of people involved in his life during the past few months, even though Y/n still couldn’t get used to be around his friends. She was very aware of how much their opinions weighted on Matty. 

Y/n shook her head, returning to the present moment. Matty was holding a piece of cheese and his mouth was hanging open a bit. His lips and mouth calling for her. He always looked handsome, although that day he was breathtaking. 

“I-” he tried speaking, but his voice got stucked on his throat. “I’m sorry, I just-” the singer left the item inside the booth, rubbing his hands nervously. 

“Matty, it’s alright. I was messing with you.”

“No, I know. I- I wasn't ogling you like a moron, okay?” he tried to justify himself.

Y/n rounded the cart between their bodies, “Baby, I wouldn’t mind if you looked at my cleavage.” she brushed the curls falling on his pretty face, staring at his eyes with care.

“I was looking at your…your body.” he cleared his throat, making her chuckled. She hadn't seen him this nervous in all the months they have dated. Worried popped into her mind. 

“What’s wrong, Matty?” Y/n frowned a little, Matty hated it. 

“I’m trying to say something, but I don’t want to scare you…” Matty let his hands rest on her hips, looking down at his hands create circles on the fabric of Y/n’s dress. 

Y/n kept her silence, waiting for him to be able to express his thoughts. She touched his features, trying to transmit him some calmness. The only thing it would scare her would be him breaking up with her. Her heart skipped a bit thinking about that possibility.

“I was looking, admiring you…maybe a bit like a twat, but I didn’t have my head in the gutter. Well, not fully.” Matty laughed apprehensive. He took a big breath, trying to gather his thoughts. “Y/n…” Matty said. “I can’t believe I’m such a lucky bastard, you…you being this incredible person, so smart, so caring, so damn beautiful.” he shook her body slightly. “You being incredible and wanting to date me…me?” Matty touched his chest with his point finger. 

“I do…so much.” she interrupted his monologue.

“Can’t believe I’m going to say this in the middle of a supermarket car park…” Matty closed his eyes for a second, talking more to himself. “I love you, Y/n. So, so much…everything about you.” Matty spoke, staring into her soul.

Y/n felt a tingling sensation travel all around her body. “You do?” she asked, low.

Matty nodded. “Yes.” he replied. “You don’t have to say it back! I felt the need to say it, because I can’t hi-” 

The frontman couldn’t finish his sentence because Y/n let her lips fell on his. They paused for a little, just taking in the points of contact between their bodies. Matty grew anxious quickly, so he let his hands travel to her back, rubbing his hands up and down. Y/n’s reaction was to smile, which broke the kiss a little.

“I love you so much, Matthew.”

“Why ‘Matthew’?” he complained. “Sounds like I’m in trouble…” he pouted, not letting her go far from him.

Y/n lift her hands to rest around his shoulders. “You’re in serious trouble, mister. I’m not letting you go so…”

“Won’t complain, really.” 

“I love you, Matty.” the words tasting different when she direct them to the man in front of her, the man of her dreams. 

“Agh, I’ll never get used to this…ever.” Matty let his head hid on the crock of her neck, mumbling incoherences. His stubble and breath tickling her, adding to her giddiness after all the confessions.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At Hann and Carly’s house

“Matty!” George screamed in his right ear.

He detached his sight from Y/n profile, who was deep into conversation with Polly about hair products –saying words Matty never heard of. Matty let his eyes fell on his best mate’s smugly face. 

“What?” he spat, bringing his left hand to rest on Y/n’s thigh. 

“Was talking to you.” G crossed his arms on his chest. Matty rolled his eyes at him. “She won’t disappear if you stop looking at her. Y’know that, right?”

“Fuck off.”

“What are you two bickering about now?” Y/n let her hand rest on top of Matty’s. 

“‘bout this one smitten with you.” G said before taking a sip of his drink. “Simp.” he mumbled.

Matty returned to look at Y/n, “Ignore him.” 

“Why? I like what he was saying…” she smiled at him, pushing her body closer to Matty’s.

The frontman let his left arm round her, bringing his girlfriend even closer than before. He left a chaste kiss on her lips, trying not to indulge too much making the rest uncomfortable although at the same time being incapable of not touching and kissing his girl.

Y/n pushed her chest on his, trapping her hands between their bodies. She was wishing to bring him back to her flat or hear his offer to go to his, even though that would be rude. 

The singer backed a little, “We’re leaving.”

“What? Why?” she searched inside his eyes.

“Y/n.” he warned her.

“Baby, we can’t leave.” Y/n whispered.

“Oh, yes, we can.”

“Matty.”

“Please, Y/n. I need you.” his hand creeped to touch her knee, pleading her. 

“Hey! You two!” Ross broke the tension growing between them. “Find a room.” he joked around, letting Matty use it for his own advantage. 

“Actually, we’re leaving.” he stood up from his chair.

Matty took Y/n’s hands, pushing her slightly to copy his own actions. 

The boys whistled and Charli screamed, “Yes, girl!” 

Matty didn’t stop to say goodbye to the people around the table, he couldn’t care less. The singer was sure they wouldn’t mind and even found it funny. He would put up with the jokes later. 

Y/n let him lead her towards the car, feeling deeply embarrassed by his actions and a bit turned on. 

She turned to her right side, staring at him, “You’re insane, y’know that? I’ve bearly know them…what would they-”

Matty quickly interrupted her rambling, “They’re happy for me…for you. That’s all, baby.” Y/n seated back, trying to calm herself. “C’mon, my love.” The sweet name warmed her inside, but she tried to ignore the feeling. Matty let his hand touch the hem of her dress, then his feathery touch trailed towards the inside of her tight thighs. “I love you.” Matty approached his lips to press kisses on her neck. He disarmed her and Y/n couldn’t help to open her legs wider. “Say it.” 

“What?” she stared back into his brown eyes, full of lust.

“Y/n.” he wasn’t having it.  “Say it.”

The singer didn’t wait for her reply, to move his hand closer to her core. She was hyperaware of his hands touching her skin.

“I love…” Y/n stopped talking when his fingers pushed the fabric on her clit without moving far. The pressure turning her into putty.  

Matty backed his fingers centimetres away,  “You love who?”

“Matty!” she protested, sensing the lack of his digits and her clit pulse. 

“Who, Y/n?”

“I love you. Please, don’t stop.”

“Good girl.” 

Even though he didn’t continue. Matty backed all the way, going to turn the car on, and started driving away from his bandmate’s house. 

Y/n stared at him without believing his actions. One minute he was all over her, and the second later appeared composed like nothing happened. Y/n whined loud. 

“What?” she protested.

“What?” Matty mimicked her voice, staring at the road. 

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.” Matty gripped the steering wheel with both of him hands. 

“Drive me home.” she tried to command, knowing deeply inside he wouldn’t let her go that easily. 

She wasn’t wrong. 

“Baby.”

Y/n bit her lower lip, trying to stay in silence.

“Okay, we’re going to your house then.” Maty sentenced, implying he was part of the plan.

“No, I am going…alone.”

“Absolutely no.” he shook his head, still not looking at her. “Don’t a brat. You just need to wait a few more minutes, and you’ll have everything you want, my love.” Matty said in a rather softly tone. 

“I want you.” she whined, touching the middle of his leg.  

Matty's side glanced at her. “Do as I tell you.” the singer took her hand, lifting it up until it was secured on her own lap.

Y/n pretend to obey the order. For a few minutes, the song blasting on the radio occupied the silence between them. Matty relaxed while driving, oblivious to his girlfriend’s thoughts.

Without hesitation, she felt brave enough to shuffle in her seat, taking her underwear down her legs and finally off. The sudden movement, beside him, made Matty looked between the road and her. 

“What are you doin’?” he asked, feeling a rush of heat taking over his neck and cheeks. 

Y/n ignored him, leaving the piece of cloth between them around the gear lever. She didn’t spare him a glance, driving Matty insane. 

She lifted her dress until it rested on her stomach, showing all of her lower half in all its glory. Y/n touched her chest slightly, teasing herself a little. The expectation growing meanwhile, her hands roamed lower. Matty saw her touched the lower part of her stomach and her body shake due to the cool air hitting her perfectly.  

His girlfriend moaned, throwing her head back, looking for support that finally the seat gave her. Y/n ignored her dripping core, choosing to touch her knees, widening the space between them.

“Y/n..” Matty tried to stop her, but his tone wasn’t exactly harsh or believable. 

“Mhm?” she asked, her eyelids heavy.

She chuckled when he didn’t answer, stopping the car under the traffic light, waiting for the greenlight. Y/n traced the interior of her legs, feeling she was more than ready to welcome him. Her digits found the knob of nerves, circling slowly even when her fingers were eager to go faster. The sensations taking over her, controlling her hips. Y/n griped the side of the car sit with her free hand, helping with the friction. 

Matty pressed the gas pedal when he could. Since her flat wasn’t really far from Hann’s house, they reached their destination rapidly. Matty stopped the car in a dark part of her block. Turning to look at Y/n, who wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. All of her attention were in the knot on her stomach.

“Matty” she moaned, asking for him to touch her. 

“Oh, no…you get yourself into this. Now you’re going to finish it.” Matty palmed himself through his trousers, staring at the sweet scene in front of his eyes.

“Please.”

Even though Matty couldn’t help to direct her from afar, “Stop teasing yourself.” he command. “Test if you’re ready for one finger, baby.” His left hand coming to rest on top of her seat car. 

“I’m so wet, baby.” Matty groaned when the information reached his ears, his eyes travelling down to the part of her body dripping on his car seat. He didn’t care if she ruined it. 

He nodded, unbuttoning his trousers, making a lot of noise with his belt, “You look so good like this, my love.” Matty encourage her. Y/n opened her eyes, looking at him push his trousers down, but keep his boxers. 

“Matty-”

“Keep going.” he said. “Ready for another?” Matty let his hand touch hers, taking her finger out of her pussy and bringing it to his mouth. He moaned around her fingers. Y/n didn’t dare to look at other part than his face, in a deep trance with his beauty and him hollowing his cheeks while tasting her.

“Yes, yes.”

Matty selected her middle and ring finger, pushing the others down, and without breaking eye contact he brought them closer to her core. Her sight tried to follow their intertwined hands, but her boyfriend wasn’t happy,  “Look at me, Y/n.” he ordered and she obeyed. His eyes tingled, knowing how receptive she was, how she let him have all the power over her. Y/n trusted him, Matty’s dominant side loved that.

Matty and Y/n stared at each others, while she felt the pressure of her fingers on her entrance. She gasped when he impulsed her fingers to get inside slowly. Y/n closed her eyes a bit because everything was getting too much, too intense. “Look at me, I said.” his other hand travel to the back of her head, holding her nape. “That’s it, baby girl.” Matty tilted his chin up, proud of himself.

Y/n’s boyfriend knew her body like the back of his hand. Matty made her fingers brushed the rough patch, making her lips lift, and an explosive sensation crawled from her small back all the way down to explode all around her. Matty kept guiding her hand, helping Y/n ride her high until she collapsed on her seat once more. 

“Open.” the frontman presented her own hand in front of her mouth. The skin of her fingers wrinkled by all the wetness created a rare sensation against her tongue. Y/n licked his fingers, although she pushed her hand out of her hand, gasping for some air. “Are you okay?” he checked, afraid it could be too much for her. Matty stroked her hair, soothing Y/n.

“More than that.” she gifted him a drunken smile. 

“Okay, let’s go upstairs.” Matty went to push his trousers back up, even though she stopped him.

Y/n quickly launched herself closer, placing her hand on top of his. “No.”

“No?” he crooked his eyebrow.

“I can’t wait any more.”

Before Matty could even ask about it, Y/n moved to straddle him. 

“Y/n, someone might see.” Matty looked around the empty street, knowing probably most of the neighbours were sleeping or out at the same time, he feared for their privacy. 

“I know.”

Matty laughed, “Naughty girl.” his hands squeezing her hips. 

Y/n’s boyfriend admired how she opened her dress, showing she wasn’t wearing a bra, hence why Matty could scan her naked body fully in front of his eyes. He was a lucky bastard indeed.

“Fuck.”

They didn’t wait a single more second, Matty pushed her still wet core to connect with his under the thin material of his boxers. Y/n was still dripping and staining his boxers, making Matty moaned with the sensation. So close and so far.

Her hips started moving back and forward rhythmically, trying to find the perfect one for both of them. Matty didn’t move his hands, slightly guiding his girlfriend.

His mouth swiftly found the expanse of her breast, biting on the under side of her left one. Y/n replied, whining uncontrollably, moving faster and throwing her head back. Once more, she was getting closer and closer to the edge, although this time she wanted him buried inside her. 

“Matty.” 

He spoke back, with his eyes admiring her nipples move and his hands holding her tits together, “Yes, baby?”

“I need you, now.”

Matty smirked, changing the direction of his eyes. Without adding more words, he detached his hands from her body, leaning to reach the car glove box behind Y/n. He groped a hand inside, searching for a condom. 

Y/n took advantage of his distraction, pushing his boxers under his balls. His cock was dripping with pre-cum and her mouth craved to taste him. She swiped it with her finger, gathering enough to taste it. Matty shook his head, while ripping the plastic. 

“Be glad we’re not inside because I’d be punishing you for that.” he said, pushing the rubber down his shaft. 

“I hope you do.” Y/n knew she was playing with fire.

“Y/n.” her name on his lips was the perfect anthem for her ears. “Ready?” he brought her body closer again, stopping when she was just above his tip.

“So ready.” she moaned out. 

Matty brushed the tip of his cock, teasing between her entrance and clit. Y/n let him without protesting, knowing she was close to get what she wanted for so long. Finally, he trusted inside her, looking directly into her eyes. Y/n allowed her body to fell forward, their foreheads connecting, meanwhile her hands took his neck between her hands.

“How come you’re always so tight, baby?” Matty’s voice came strangled, putting all his force to not come just yet. “Can I move?”

“Yes, move- please, move.” 

Matty nodded silently, grabbing her hips, pushing Y/n’s body up and continuity down. His mouth travelled from her lips, after leaving a sweet kiss, towards her beck and collarbones. He licked and bite every part of her skin, wanting to mark her as his. Although the best for him was meeting her nipples again. Nothing compared to her beautiful tits jumping by trusts. Nothing compared to Y/n’s beautiful soul and body. 

“Matty-”

“‘doing so well, baby.” he praised her. “Always so good for me.”

“Faster, please.”

“Already coming, baby?” he leaned backwards, replacing his mouth with his palms.

“Mhm.”

Y/n pulsed around him, so his voice sounded low and raspy,“Who makes you come this fast?” the question going directly to her centre. 

“You, Matty…is always you.”

Matty noticed she was indeed very close to her release. He brought his right thumb to circle on top of her clit, while his hands clenched to her hips like if his life depended on it. Y/n let herself go, making her movements quicker than before, pushing Matty to the edge. 

The singer pushed his pelvis up to meet her warmth, meanwhile Y/n’s body arching in pleasure offered him his tits again. Matty didn’t wait a second. He reached his peak bruising the soft skin of her chest. Y/n collapsed on top of Matty, feeling how his arms held her.

Accelerated breaths filled the void inside the car.

“Are you okay?” Matty brushed her back, sneaking his hands under the fabric of her dress, which shielded them from the outside world. He didn’t want to pull out just yet.

“Yes.”

“Can you walk?” he inquired. 

Y/n giggled on his neck, filling his stomach with something closer to complete happiness. “Don’t be so full of yourself, Healy.” 

He joined her, laughing of his own question. Matty left a few kisses on the side of her head.

“Let’s go…I’m not done with you.” 

Y/n pushed her body back, feeling ready to continue the night with him inside her bed. 

[chevelleneech]

Hi. What are your thoughts on all rameyon talk??

I’m genuinely curious why some of y’all send messages with multiple punctuation marks? Is there a different meaning behind them these days? I’m “old” so maybe there isn’t as much urgency implied anymore. Idk.

Anyway, my take on their use of ramyeon this time, is somewhere in the middle. I initially thought they were just talking about food, but upon watching the clip back later I heard JK sing “3D” the way he said Jimin sings it, and then Jimin sang it back to him. Before Jungkook sang it though, he immediately hit Jimin on the back with his towel.

So… contrary to what seems to be the common assumption about Jimin being flirty this time, I actually think he really was talking about food. It seems like JK’s mind was the one to instantly jump to sexy times, and him hitting Jimin was what triggered JM realizing what he said was understood as an innuendo.

Obviously Jimin knows the slang reference, but I think it was one of those moments where it simply wasn’t on his mind. He was hungry and wanted to eat, but JK’s mind went to the gutter, but I don’t think either of them were really asking for sex. I think they were just playing with the innuendo for a second, but ultimately were talking about whether or not they should eat.

ITS2, however, I think was likely a genuine example of them being intentionally suggestive. The way they laughed back then seemed way too on the nose.

As for my overall thoughts of them making this joke… 1) they’re adults. Grown people make sex jokes literally all the time. I know some fans don’t like to view the members as “immature”, but it just kind of is a thing. Sex talk is funny, even to people in their late twenties near thirties and older.

2) If there really is something going on between them, sex jokes are a natural part of being with someone. Particularly if the two of you are sexually active.

For example, I would bet money that had the pool not had a glass insert, we would not have seen the beginning of their antics in it. Based solely on the look on his face, and the look Jungkook had when he glanced at the cameras and told Jimin the wall was see through, Jimin planned to get handsy. Not handsy, but much more in JK’s space. Hands on his chest or something, not to speculate too far.

I mean, objectively Jimin got in the water and moved toward JK pretty quickly, and the look on Jungkook’s face was totally, “Oh shit, wait a second.” To be honest, the more I think about it, the more that moment in the pool was one of the more damning things they’ve done.

We know they put their mouths on each other. For a fact, we know that. JK did it in front of an audience, but I truly don’t think he realized how visible him sucking Jimin’s ear was. Then Jimin, unprovoked, admitted to biting on Jungkook’s neck in private. So my assumption is that had the pool wall been solid, and JM and JK actually started embracing or overtly flirting, the crew would have just turned the cameras off and turned their backs or walked away, because again, they get paid to see and hear nothing.

And I don’t want to turn this into some deep conspiracy thing or anything, but camera crews and managers and assistants and makeup teams and so on are the backbone of all entertainment industries, and they know everything. They’re just paid and are contractually obligated to pretend like all of it is fallacy. Aside from rolling on abusers and awful people, these people aren’t likely to ever spill any sort of truths. Not until their NDA expires, and even then, how often do we hear from them?

Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty spill the beans for a quick buck, but in comparison to how many exist? It’s not even a quarter. Especially when it comes to queer relationships and closeted celebrities. No one is trying to deal with the public shaming that comes with outing someone, unless they themselves are a horrible person.

So yeah. I got off track, lol, but I do think there was a smidge of flirtatiousness going on this time, but it wasn’t as serious as it was during ITS2. Nor do I think it was more risqué than the flirting Jimin planned to do in the pool, before he was interrupted by the reality of the glass wall.

[thedragonagelesbian]

@isayashai replied to your post “I should write smthing......”:

kyr x sosiel sketching/painting fic 👁 ? cyrus x halsin cuddles? 👀

​wahhhhhhhhhhhh thank you <33333 yes much to consider.. it's not a full fic, but you inspired me to write a lil something for kyr & sosiel!!

Wrong. And wrong again. Paper crumpled, charcoal smudged, one hand heavy and aching, the other still a fist wrapped around the ghost of Graham's collar, both trembling in the wick-thin light of the guttering candle.

Another sketch. Another scowl. Tore the page from his sketchbook, tossed it aside, and tried again.

Grapes on the vine turned to strips of whipped, peeling skin.

"Sosiel..." Eyes like his own that he could not recognize no matter how many times he drew them, dredging warmth up from the recesses of his memories only for it to turn cold at the tips of his fingers. Again, again, again, he had to get it right-- "Sosiel."

Kyr's voice was sharper the second time, but it was his hands that broke Sosiel from his stupor, palms cool against the fever pitch of his cheeks. Sosiel blinked, and suddenly he was in the study again. In his body. Sore from base of his skull to his knuckles to the pit of his empty stomach, stiff even in his thoughts as he looked up at the Knight Commander.

"What is all this?"

Sosiel realized for the first time that he had destroyed half his sketchbook in one sitting, desk and floor alike littered with his failed attempts.

He shuddered.

"A foolish endeavor, nothing more."

Kyr glanced down at the last thing Sosiel had drawn: a man whose smile had become a snarl despite his every effort.

"Your brother?"

"Trever..." Sosiel couldn't say his name in anything other than a whisper, the kind of frightened prayer that came at the end of the world. "A-as best I can remember him, but I can't... I see him so clearly in my mind's eye, as the good, kind man I knew him to be, and yet every time I try to draw him, the image is distorted. As if my hand knows that it is a lie. And now when I try to think of him, it all blurs together. Everything that the Hellknight told us, all that vile cruelty taints my memories."

He spoke faster and faster, as if trying to catch up to that memory of Trever before it slipped from his fingers entirely, words and images spilling.

"If I forget him now," tears bleeding together, suddenly slow, "the only thing left will be a monster."

And Kyr. Aeon. Judge. A dhampir fit for hating other monsters. Would do his duty if they found him.

And would that not be justice?

"It will not be the only thing." There was something in Kyr's voice. A slight, hesitant quiver against his usual dry deliberation. "Remember what Halaseliax told us: as long as someone is alive, they can still change. Trever still has that. Will always have that. The possibility for redemption."

Whatever Sosiel had been expecting Kyr to say to comfort him--perhaps nothing at all, perhaps his wounds were not worth tending, made to be borne alone--it was not that.

Not after Kyr had warred with himself so bitterly just to let one cultist leave Terendelev's lair.

Sosiel looked up at him through watery eyes. "Do you really believe that?"

Surely you of all people must believe that we can all change for the better.

I have not changed.

"Yes." Kyr's thumb traced the tears along Sosiel's cheekbone. "I am trying to. Believe. In this, in second chances and salvation and choosing to be better. We will give Trever that chance when we find him."

These sketches--messy, brutal, unforgiving toward subject and artist alike--had made for poor worship of Shelyn. As, it seemed, did most of Sosiel's drawings these days, dwelling on the mutated flesh of Areelu's lab and the Ivory Sanctum. Whatever faith he still nurtured, a seedling of beauty tucked away, preserved but hidden, it flourished now. Not as any fruit or flower, something that would inevitably spoil and rot, but evergreen, pine needles all the more beautiful for the snow their boughs supported.

"Thank you..." Sosiel's voice broke with his body, unable to sit upright any longer. He crushed himself against Kyr instead, too feverish for his usual worries about impropriety. Instinctive, safe, hopeful as he nuzzled the other man's chest. Listened to that death-slow pulse beneath his shuddering. "Thank you, thank you."

It took a moment--it always did--but Kyr wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. "You're welcome."

[jerzwriter]

Sweet Start

Book:              Open Heart (Post Series)

Pairing:           Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Kaycee MacClennan)

Rating:            Teen +

Words: 1,050

Summary: Ethan and Kaycee start her 32nd birthday off with much to look forward to.

A/N: This will be leading into a big week for these two! I hope you enjoy!

Ethan x Kaycee Masterlist My Full Masterlist

The warmth of the morning beamed through the skylight and helped to nudge Kaycee awake. Snuggling against her pillow, she pulled the soft, down comforter over her shoulders and smiled. She wasn’t ready to wake up yet, but she was much happier than she typically was in the morning... especially before being caffeinated. Today was her birthday, the start of her thirty-second year. Most people believed it was the start of a vacation for her and Ethan, and they were right, of course.   But they knew they were only a few days away from so much more, and she loved sharing such a delicious secret with him.  

She dozed off again so she didn’t hear when Ethan entered their bedroom. He quietly approached the bed, holding a fine china plate with a decadent cupcake placed on top. He playfully held the plate in front of her nose, wondering if the sweet scent would wake her. When it didn’t, he had his answer. In the age-old question of what Kaycee MacClennan loved more, sleep or sweets, sleep had proven to be the victor. Nevertheless, they had a big day ahead... big days ahead... and it was time for him to wake her.

“Good Morning, birthday girl,” he sang, still standing over the bed.

With her eyes still shut tight, Kaycee broke into an adorable grin. She contemplated telling Ethan to hop back into bed; since it was her special day, he probably would have listened. But her nose picked up on the scent of the treat awaiting her, and that took precedence.

“Mmmm... do I smell something yummy,” she hummed, her eyes still shut.

“Why don’t you wake up and see?”

One eye peeked open, and when she saw the cupcake in front of her, the other quickly followed suit.

“Is this breakfast?” she asked.

“I know,” Ethan chuckled, “I usually wouldn’t approve... but... it is your birthday, and I want you to indulge in your every desire.”  

“Really,” she simpered. “Then you’re doing this all wrong.”

“I... I am?”

“Shouldn’t you be serving me that naked? I believe that’s how it happens in the movies.”

“Oh really,” he laughed. “Which movies are you referring to? Not the ones where a plumber or pizza guy will arrive any second to complete this picture?”

Kaycee jumped up, brushing her messy tresses from her face.  

“Ethan, whatever do you mean? My mind does not live in the gutter. Well, at least not this early in the day.” 

She grabbed the cupcake from the plate with the enthusiasm of a child and licked a large dollop of the icing off the top. She let out a slow groan Ethan was used to hearing in very different circumstances when the sugary concoction coated her tongue. His mind began to wander as she gently breathed, “Oooh, this is sooo goooood.”

“Hmmm,” Ethan smirked, sitting beside her on the bed. “Ironically, that was the next line in the movie I was referring to.”

“Is it?” she laughed. “So, does that mean I should expect the plumber-slash-delivery? Tell me, are they hot? Like Ryan Gossling or Margot Robbie hot? Because, if so... we could make this my bachelorette party... after all, I only have a few days left as a single woman.”

“Oh really,” he growled, suddenly not appreciating the joke he had started. “You may be a few days away from being married, but you’re not single, Dr. MacClennan!”

“Easy there, tiger,” she teased. “You started this nonsense, not me.”

She placed the cupcake on her nightstand and turned around quickly, pushing Ethan against the pillows. Her arms encircled him, squeezing so tightly that he let out a small gasp.

“All jokes aside, can you believe we’ll be married in just three days!”

“I know,” he chuckled as she squealed adorably at his side. “It’s hard to believe. It’s even harder to believe that almost no one besides us knows!”

“Hey, don’t jinx it!” She warned. “We already caved in and told our parents.”

Ethan ran his hands along the soft skin of her arms, delighting at the goosebumps that formed as his fingers traced circles over her flesh.

“That was the right move,” he insisted. “Our surprise wedding is a brilliant idea... but our parents and Naveen... I feel better not blindsiding them.”

“Me too, and not only because my mother would have killed me if she didn’t get to pick out what she would wear.”

“I’m shocked your mother hasn’t told anyone else yet. Not that she’d do it maliciously. I just figured she’d be too excited.”

“Oh, she is,” Kaycee assured. “But Dad threatened her.”

“Threatened her?” Ethan asked with a raised brow. “With what?”

“With that cruise, she’s always wanted,” Kaycee laughed. “All joking aside, I know it’s hard for her to keep this from everyone, but she knows it’s what we want. All she wants is for us to be happy, so she’ll honor our wishes.”  

“That’s good to know. Well, we have a lot on our plate in the next few days, but today’s your birthday... and it’s all about you... So, what would you like to do?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Kaycee smiled. “You.”

“I’m sorry?” he chuckled.

“Oh, I’m not,” She bit her bottom lip as the corners of her mouth morphed into a smile, flipping over on top of him. “Are you telling me you don’t want to do me, Ethan? On my birthday of all days?”

Ethan’s eyes went dark as the playful expression on his face all but disappeared. With one quick movement, he nudged her legs apart with his knee. Surprised, Kaycee fell on top of him, giggling when she felt all the proof she needed that he wanted her as much as she wanted him pressed firmly against her lower stomach.  

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” she teased.

“Turn the ringer off your phone,” he spoke gruffly into her ear. “You won’t want birthday calls interrupting what I have planned for you.”

Kaycee was eager to comply, reaching for her phone so quickly that she nearly fell from the bed.

“Now, what do you have in store for me, Dr. Ramsey?” she purred.

“Making sure your thirty-second year gets off to a rousing start.”

“It already has,” she whispered as his lips fell to her chest. “It already has.”

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

[melrosing]

btw love your Jaime takes! Was wondering what your thoughts on his dream of Rhaegar with Brienne? i personally find it fascinating and super important for his development.. his family meaning Cersei and Tywin are toxic influences he must leave behind so that he can grow as his own person while Brienne clearly plays a role in this. I also find it sad to see his regret and guilt about the death of Rhaegars family. Can’t help but wonder what the glowing swords mean? Do you think he has a role to play in the long night? I feel like he might but there’s also the valonqar prophecy to consider?

a jaime question we are back in business!!!

I have a lot of thoughts on Jaime's weirwood dream and maybe more than I can contain within one ask but here's my rough breakdown:

section one where Jaime finds Cersei, Tywin & assorted Lannisters I think quite straightforwardly these are the people that Jaime once thought defined who he was: his father, his sister, and the name they all share. but he finds himself quickly abandoned by both Tywin and Cersei who offer him no comfort, and leave him Naked and AfraidTM with no Lannister strength or support. He's effectively just one man in the dark and all that he had left to give his life and identity meaning is gone

section two where Brienne shows up Jaime finds meaning in Brienne!! when he'd lost all strength, hope and dignity, Brienne practically raised him from the dead by demonstrating all he could be and recalling what he had once wanted to be - he finds both his past and future self in Brienne. we also see a supportive and reciprocal relationship between them that was absent with the Lannisters - Jaime frees Brienne from chains, Brienne helps Jaime through the dark. and the dark is gone now: there's new clarity and hope since Brienne has arrived. and obviously we see Jaime's developing feelings for her through 'she could almost be a beauty/she could almost be a knight/it seemed to Jaime she had more of a woman's shape now' - like he's seeing her for the first time again since his 'rebirth' in Harrenhal, and is starting to put together new feelings without quite understanding what they are yet.

section three: Rhaegar and the lads firstly: think it's interesting that Jaime first mistakes Rhaegar in the distance for Ned. we'll come back to that.

but anyway I think the conversation with Rhaegar and the OG kingsguard is Jaime perhaps fully acknowledging for the first time how much that ~fateful day~ in King's Landing truly pains and guilts him - it's not something he can laugh off. we've only up till then seen him confidently state that killing Aerys was the best thing he ever did, and since hearing his side of the story the audience now agrees -but the KG's words show that Jaime still has a confused sense of guilt over it, and has not forgotten Rhaegar's kids either. he still cares about doing the right thing, and feels crushed by the idea that when he was given the chance to do it, perhaps he chose wrong.

I also think it's v interesting that Rhaegar's kids are prominent here, especially considering the earlier appearance of Ned which I think is interesting twofold. first, I think Jaime thought Ned had no right to judge him but that the KG do. second, I think that Ned's children are the new Rhaegar's children. granted Jaime has done a pretty fucking appalling job of 'protecting Ned's children' so far (like he almost couldn't have done worse lmao) BUT they are now what I think will take Rhaenys and Aegon's place in his mind. perhaps he can do right if he can save at least one of those kids. this right now is his second chance.

what do the glowing swords mean all sorts i reckon. hope. honour. legacy. life. I think Jaime's sword guttering out at the end of the dream isn't a foreshadowing of his losing his life at any particular time in the future, but rather the sign that right now, he has nothing to keep that flame alight - Rhaegar and co condemn him to darkness as they tell him he's done nothing to earn the light, and Jaime, in his panic, wakes up. and knows what he has to do to reignite it - hence rushing back to Brienne.

I don't think the valonqar prophecy comes into it because this was something that GRRM added at the VERY end of writing AFFC so it wouldn't factor into the weirwood dream in ASOS. I don't know that the dream suggests much about the long night either though I do think he'll have some kind of role??? depends what the TLN ultimately looks like but I am sure that GRRM means to reassemble the majority of the main POVs there and Jaime will surely be one of them, as will Bri.

[ahmedmootaz]

[Spoilers for Canto 4 of Limbus Company and all of Lobotomy Corporation]

Ya know, for being neighboring corporations, K Corp and L Corp are awfully. They are so similar down to how they first obtained their signularities from well meaning caring people in the outskirts who ended up being transformed into the the singularities whose aim was to help cure people and who ended up turning into something other than human. So similar down to whose respective companions ended up mourning them and who ended up discovering that they secreted a potent green glowing liquid that could kill you in its raw form form but could serve as very useful and very powerful products after refinement that they became Wings and sell them as products well enough to financially fund themselves for years and run an entire District. So similar down to how said person turned singularities have bits of themselves seperated from the main portion such as a branch or an eye serving a similar role found in the branch facilities of the company being used to create more of the said liquid. So similar to how both Ayin and Stephanette originally had good intentions helping people only for the companies they established based on the wishes of the person they cared about getting all twisted and becoming just as cruel as the rest of the City. And so similar to both how things go down the gutter once Ayin and Stephanette die where the Dias and Alfonso, girl bosses who care more about profit and power than the original benign goal of helping others, take their place and are more than eager to exploit the hell out of the Singularities.

Lots of similarities ain't it?

Dear Anonymous,

I honestly wonder if it was intentional, to a degree. Perhaps some Wings rise with benevolent ideas at first before their owners die/are killed and those who take their place aren't exactly as...charitable.

After all, we know that Carmen, while unique, wasn't the sole person to feel something was wrong with the City. She was simply the first person Ayin knew to act on this feeling. Maybe there are other 'Carmen's, if that's the way to put it, who managed to reach the top of the City, becoming Wing owners like Stephanette did, but even if they managed to keep their morals without compromising, there's no guarantee that their successors will keep those same morals, as Alfonso did.

Although the other similarities with the colour references are quite striking...I want to say that this must reference something, but I also wonder if an artist at PM just thought 'yeah this looks good' and we're looking too deeply into the colours, but the theorist part of my mind says that it cannot be a mere coincidence...Though, I suppose we will find out later. Or maybe never, if PM decides that it doesn't want to address these similarities. Oh well, that's what 'Fics are for.

Still, I thank you for bringing up these intriguing similarities, Anon, and until next time, be well, take care, and see ya'!

[observer-on-duty]

Nancy was scanning some of the new reports on her desk. Ever since that mysterious email from that Robert guy was sent her way, they had been buzzing with activity in the Bureau. However, everything in this place made her more confused.

So far, from what she could have translated, the bottom level was a place of worship, for the "Creator" of these beings. The beings themselves were far more grotesque than what anyone in the Bureau has ever dealt with. They deal with corpses on a daily basis!

One of the beings, lovingly given the code of A-1, looked like it was rotting away. It made loud, gutteral screams and spent time hitting things around it. Its body had several places of broken, unset bones by how much it threw itself into destruction. Its broken teeth were permanently bared, and it used them excessively. It was aggressive in every way, and was too dangerous to send personnel individually to the location. However; it was blinded by rage, smelt like death and rotting, and was loud as all hell. Making it incredibly easy to hide and track its locations on the premises.

The next one seen on the cameras and footage was one that was only seen in a few rooms. It sounded so lost and sad on the recordings. Its whole body was covered in possibly self-inflicted, or inflicted by A-1, wounds. It was given the code A-2. Although it was incredibly malnourished, it was just as dangerous as A-1 when provoked. However, it seemed more remorseful of harming others, thus making it considered safe for the personnel to travel around it. If no one bothered it, it didn't bother anyone else. However, when watching the clips, A-1 screamed off camera, causing A-2 to run and hide away from the more dangerous entity.

There was a third one, well, only a glimpse of a third one. It was a shorter one. It wore shadows like a cloak, and was gone in the next picture. This one was called A-3. It was intelligent enough to avoid recording equipment, but it was just in that one picture.

This was only three of the original seven Robert told her about through email. Nancy had already set up an interview in a public setting with him, but something..... Something wasn't right. Something felt incredibly wrong.

Something that was above the Bureau's level of expertise. Nancy was ready to confront the CEO of the Bureau for some answers. The folks that dealt with the Backrooms would be more capable. Hell, she'd ring up O5 Council if the CEO gave her the opportunity. She didn't feel the static that came from the Anomalies she dealt with, Nancy felt disgusted, like she rolled in the mud and went to bed, kind of disgusted.

The Bureau was spread thin enough between their current investigations, but she couldn't get the CEO to actually listen to her. So caught up in her thoughts, Nancy didn't notice the appearance of the Intruders, not until a bony hand touched her shoulder. Nancy let a small smile out, and placed her hand over the Director's. She turns and looks at them, reaching out to grip Huge Man's.

"What are we going to do about this, guys?" She asks. "This is going to cause so many issues, and so much loss. But the CEO refuses to send in the people who are licensed and trained for this!" Nancy was never a very emotional human, but this was just too much on her. The Director was the first one to pull her into a hug, before Huge Man brought both of them to his lap. She cried and let loose all the frustration that had been building up in her body.

Once her mind was back in place, she pulled away, looking at the Intruders with a flushed face.

"How about we take a break and get something to eat. My treat." She chuckled as their eyes lit up. She needed something in her stomach, and a glass of water after a good cry like that. And if these documentations wound up forwarded to the O5 Council, without the CEO knowing? Well, that was just between her, and the two Intruder Anomalies, who would always have her back.

[plasticross]

==> Talk to your....self?

White knuckled, you grip your mirror, milky, useless eyes as wide and owl like as always. You can't help but chuckle, he looks just like you. Your reflections reaction was told to you through pattern like words, swirling around in a square shaped spiral that wrapped around the curves of my. his. your face like a form of bookish echolalia. As always, the light hums lowly into your ears from the expensive bulbs that never endingly glow through out your house. The description was all wrong however, despite your clenched teeth and flaired nostrils, you stare back with bright, energetic eyes. A toothy smile with a gap between each tooth. The reflection wears your face as it taunts your silent frustration as you look for any proof that it wasn't you.

"Why him!?" You say, your knuckles attempting to somehow grip harder than you already were. "WHY ME?! I HAVE ASKED FOR NONE OF THIS." Your voice is hoarse, but it usually is. Worn out from half shouted sermons passionately ripped from your throat from some unseen force.

No one asks to be what they are, no one asked to be born.

"NO ONE HAS A PHONE LINE TO THEIR GODS TELEPHONE," you yank, forgetting for a second that no one is actually there, and pull your bathroom mirror open. Cheeks turning pink from the embarrassment, you slam the mirror shut, hoping that it'll shatter into a million pieces. But no such luck, he returns to look at you with a pout.

You really will like him. Just give it time, and you will see. Have I lead you astray before?

He You shake, mouth pursed tightly as you stare at this animal wearing your skin, his large eyes, his gnashing teeth, blink cutely as he assumes this is any sort of convincing. It is. Maybe. He hasn't led you astray.

But you never asked to be led. You never asked for this life or this man, or Pepper, or any other stepping stone he crushed and broke your feet while laying down. You never asked to be a priest, a mother, a sister, a nun, an angel, or anything but to be allowed to breath. To dance. God you wanted to dance. And he laughed and smiled and danced around you, humming like flood lights and singing electric songs that burnt your eyes worse than the sun. He made you like him before you were ready, he made you see letters instead of people, he chose for you, and if you didn't listen then....

You yank the mirror, nearly ripping it off of its hinges, and begin to slam, over and over, your mouth clamped shut, silently and violently. The wall shakes from your force, your perfumes rattling and falling off their organizational shelf until the mirror shatters in your hands. Half of the pieces clatter to the floor, while the rest desperately cling to the glue.

Taking a step back, you hear a piece of glass shatter under your weight and thank god that you are wearing your boots- before realizing that, that was likely his doing as well. You stumble back, sitting on the edge of the tub, nervous system high strung, blood boiling. You bend in on yourself and let out a gutteral scream into your lap, shoulders shaking from the force.

"What the hell is your PROBLEM?!"

The bathroom door flies open. You ignore him, but you stop screaming, embarrassed by your outburst you choose to run away into your mind instead, your arms shifting to hide your face from your boyfriend.

His face is twisted into something between irritation and concern, as if he were angry at first, before realizing that it was more serious than first assumed. Like usual, Peppers nails find his way in his mouth as he quickly trots over to your side. He stops when his shoes make contact with the glass, and he only takes a small look at the mirror. Your self destructive tendencies have already be come like second nature to him.

"Cylo, dude, what is-.. okay..." He runs his hand through his hair, and then places his hand on your back. "You're all quiet right now probably. Right? Just.... We'll talk about it in a sec. Catch your breath man."

You resent how he talks to you, that uncomfortable wilt in his voice everytime you have an outburst like this. All it did was remind you how much further up you are than any peony left on earth C. Your issues were undescribable, unrelatable. The only thing people can truly do is watch as you burn for their entertainment, the light from that eye burning you to a crisp.

"Y'know. For a guy who can't see himself you sure break a lotta mirrors." He lightly kicks a larger piece of glass.

[i-did-not-mean-to]

U - Unexpected

This beautiful art has been done by @lycheesodas and thus, I am delighted to dedicate this piece to this amazing friend and artist :D

Words: 677

Pairing: Beleg x Mablung

Warnings: Minor injury

“Beleg!”

Beleg looked up from the dossier he was working on in surprise; he was working late, catching up on some paperwork, and had believed his beloved Mablung to be stretched out on the couch with a documentary by this time.

Consequently, he was astonished to behold the very man, storming into the small veterinary clinic as if the wolves of Sauron were on his heels.

“What is it, love? Are you ill?” Beleg asked automatically, only realising that Mablung would not have chosen this kind of practice if that was the case upon seeing the confused expression on the man’s face.

“No, but they are,” Mablung panted and brandished a cat dramatically.

Beleg looked at the brownish-grey tabby with professional curiosity and decided—barring some mysterious illness that would not show any visible symptoms—that the tomcat was in excellent health.

“It was meowing pitifully, surely it is hurt,” Mablung went on. The urgency in his voice was probably entirely uncalled for, but Beleg was nonetheless touched by how deeply his boyfriend seemed to care about a random stay he had picked up from the gutter.

“Let me see the little bugger then,” he said softly and reached across the counter to take hold of this unexpected patient—as soon as his hands touched the matted fur though, a quick paw lashed out and swiped a set of razor-sharp claws along Beleg’s cheek.

With a choked cry, the veterinary doctor flinched back.

“Oh no,” Mablung cried, overwhelmed and torn between wanting to avenge his partner and trying to protect the cat.

“It’s quite all right,” Beleg assured him. “He looks hungry and grumpy. Let’s see first if he’ll eat something. Once he’s been fed, he might be mellow enough to let me examine him.”

“It’s a boy?” Mablung asked while he watched his beloved measure out a cup of premium cat food.

“He is,” Beleg acquiesced. “If you don’t want to keep him, I’m sure we’ll find a good home for Noldo.”

“Noldo?”

Beleg chuckled awkwardly. “I would not have chosen this profession if I was not generally popular with animals—it is exceedingly rare that one takes an instant dislike to me. Except…”

Shrugging, Mablung had to admit that he was not entirely wrong. “Noldo it is then…”

Beleg set the bowl down on the counter and Noldo pounced on it without hesitation; satisfied that his first diagnosis had been correct, Beleg lifted his eyes towards his partner and smiled.

Mablung—so serious and stone-faced and yet so laughably transparent—was biting his lip and shuffling his big feet against the linoleum floor; it was evident that he had something on his mind.

“You want to keep the blasted thing, don’t you?”

“Well, he likes me!” Mablung said defensively—they were both so used to people falling over themselves to get into Beleg’s good graces because he was so charming and approachable, but it was much rarer that something similar happened to Mablung.

“Of course, he does,” Beleg laughed, “you are the kindest person on earth and you look good enough to eat in those trousers!”

“I do not think the cat has much appreciation for my wardrobe,” Mablung grinned, “but thank you, my love. So….”

Beleg patted Noldo’s head very carefully and walked around the counter to sling his arms around Mablung’s comforting, muscular midriff.

“Of course, you can keep the cat,” he purred, “and you two can conspire against me if that makes you happy.”

“I would never,” Mablung immediately refuted the mere idea. “He just needs a home.”

With a shivering sigh, Beleg leaned his face against Mablung’s chest, running his hands across that broad, strong back eagerly.

“There is no better home for a feral stray than you,” he whispered fervently. “I would know.”

After a quick once-over—Beleg had been right and the cat was as fine as he possibly could be—and a short trip to the storage room, they finally took the newest member of their household, firmly snuggled into Mablung’s protective embrace, back to his forever home.

@fellowshipofthefics: here's the next one!

As always,

Lots of love from me

-> Masterlist

[snarky-synesthete]

Hi, I read in one of your posts that you "almost have a masters degree in motivating the unwilling" and I just wanna say please. Halp. I'm ruining my life by being the way I am and I can't stop. Everybody talks about my "immense potential" and how it's "such a waste of intelligence" for me to be the way that I am. I'm honestly drowning.

Oh wow. If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me that, I'd be able to afford a life coach for my ownself, lol. I have a pretty significant little alphabet soup of disorders to my name, but I didn't get diagnosed with any of them until my early 30s. What that means is that I had to find ways to compensate for my shitshow of a brain, so I have a lot of tips and tricks. I'm currently working on my doctorate as well, so I'm doing lots of research around mental heath, focusing on teen mental health since I work with teens every day.

First off, you're not ruining your life. You're just living it. Your life isn't something that needs to be put through the wash and purified. It is what it is, and you are who you are. The fact that you're here and breathing and *wanting* to improve are already wonderful things. You're doing okay. ^_^

Next, think about what you want your life to look like. This is a good journalling prompt. There's no wrong way to do this. You can get really specific, right down to the new furniture you'd like to fill your space with; you can have just big picture stuff: "I want to survive high school" or "I want to wake up looking forward to the day." Try to think in positive terms rather than negative. I don't mean "I want to feel happy!" necessarily: but think of things with positive *action*: instead of "I don't want to feel miserable," which is a negative, something you want to subtract from your life, think of a positive: "I want to feel better," "I want to re-connect with an old hobby," "I want to start a diary," things like that. It's easier, sometimes, for our weird monkey brains, if we start off *adding* something new instead of *stopping* something old...even if the "something old" is part of what makes us miserable.

For example, a lot of people want to stop smoking. Quitting cold-turkey is possible, sure, but it's a god-awful experience. Instead of thinking of it as "subtracting" smoking, a better approach would be to ADD something new that can slowly start taking its place. An example in this scenario would be to add in another oral treat you enjoy (I see your mind in the gutter, hello, nice place!) that can take the place of just one smoke a day. A really nice chocolate truffle, or some spicy crunchy chips, or a fancy lollipop. That way, your brain isn't necessarily feeling a *deprivation* or the lack of something it has come to expect, but you're still lowering your daily nicotine consumption.

So that might be the easiest way to start. Look at any habits you might have that don't make you feel good, or that you don't want to carry with you into your future. I don't want to call them "bad habits" because that implies a judgment call, which I am NOT qualified to make about your lived experiences. Obviously, that habit served its purpose for you at some point! But if it's no longer serving you, try to slowly replace it with something that does. Think of it as a shift rather than a removal, and your brain will tolerate the change more easily.

If you wanna get more specific, feel free to DM me, @justanexistentialcrisisnbd ^_^

[skippthecredits]

let me just make something super fuckin clear real quick to all you bozos who've never been on the wrong side of a baton before: if you rat someone out, you're a piece of shit. if you rat someone out for crimes they committed years ago and have clearly moved on from, you deserve whatever the fuck anyone does to you at that point. your ass is less than human to me. I don't care what gutter you end up in, if I see someone beating your ass in an alley I will mind my own business just like you should've minded yours. you don't know why they're hiding. you don't know just how much they could lose if the wrong people knew where they were.

smh back in my city snitches are LUCKY to get stitches :/ fuckin sucks that they're so bold on this hellsite tbh someone needs to give them like a taste of consequences at least

[knockyasocksoff2022]

An Unexpected Visit | Soukoku

Summary: In wich a certain ginger gets a visit from his (maybe high) boyfriend. Chuya has reputation to protect and feelings get hurt.

Now complete! (3,387 words)

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Nosy Akutagawa's Perspective

Mori-san told me to go find Chuya. He needs him for a strategy meeting. I spot the ginger smoking in the alley way.

As I'm approaching him I see that someone else is behind him . . . Dazai! I want to do something but then I decide that, it broad daylight, why not let this play out?

Chuya seems to hear the other man and turns,

"Is there something you need?" He asks rather formally. If it wasn't Dazai he was talking to I'd swear he must be teasing.

Chuuya's Perspective

I turn to the detective, he was quiet. I almost hadn't heard him coming, almost. "Is there something you need?" I ask hoping to remind him it's still Port Mafia business hours. He doesn't seem to care.

"Just your heart . . ." He says and I'm about to scold him for being so affectionate in such an open place, or take his temperature. He must not be in his right mind to come and do this. All these thoughts only take a second and I'm about to say them out loud when he continues, "Chibikko."

The pet name sends and involuntary shiver down my spine and his beautiful voice does strange things to my heart.

Now Eavesdropping Akutagawa's Perspective

"Chibikko." The detective says.

I flip the word over in my mind, it means, small child but something about the way he said it . . . it tugs at me. And I swear I see Chuya shiver. His eyes flash dark blue for a second then back to normal.

"Not here dumbass!" He hisses

"Aww!"

"Stop pouting! You're acting like the little kid," the detective pouts dramatically, "and what are you doing over here anyway, I know you had a mission but this is way into the Port Mafia's territory?"

"I'm taking a sick day." The taller says

The shorter man's eyes immediately fill with worry. "Are you sick?"

What's going on here? That detective must be harassing Chuya. I take out my phone and call for backup.

Chuuya's Perspective

"Maybe?"

I take that as a no.

He steps closer, "What's wrong with me coming to visit my lovely boyfriend while he's at work? Hmm."

I step back, "I said not here you piece of shit! What's gotten into you? Huh?"

He doesn't answer, "Answer me before I have security escort you out!" I say raising my voice in hopes of reminding him I'm still at work.

He doesn't seem to take the hint. "You wouldn't do that."

"You think?" I say I can already here people coming to investigate the noise.

He steps closer, he's trying to kiss me, and oh how I want it, how very much I want his warm lips on mine . . . but I have a part to play.

"Get off me you tacky bastard! Before I rip your throat out!"

"I just want to give you a little kiss."

"I'm not your boyfriend, you pathetic social misfit waste of bandages."

He looks confused, like a lost puppy. A few of the mafia's soldiers round the corner.

"Is everything alright here boss?"

"No. Shitty Dazai has gotten himself intoxicated and is harassing me. Please escort him to a gutter somewhere his do-gooder colleagues won't  find him."

I watch as they drag him off hopefully he won't be to mad. But he doesn't look mad, I can see tears blooming in his eyes dripping down his cheeks.

Dazai’s Perspective

The mafia soldiers yank the bag bag off my head and throw me down. I say tucked into a ball until I can't hear them anymore.

I can't help the tears, he doesn't love me, I knew it. I knew I wasn't good enough, I knew it was to good to be true. This just confirms it.

He obviously wants me gone, he threatened to call security on me. His words echo inside my head bouncing off and reverberating back again, getting louder, and louder and louder, until I can't stand it anymore.

"Get off me you tacky bastard! Before I rip your throat out!"

"I just want to give you a little kiss."

"I'm not your boyfriend, you pathetic social misfit waste of bandages."

I curl into as small a form as I can. The ropes rub on my wrists but I don't fight the pain, I deserve it for being stupid enough to think that I was ever enough for Chuya. I can hear the clap of thunder and soon rain pounds on the roof. I'd thought it was solid but apparently not because soon I'm soaked. I don't care, I deserve it.

A small part of me hopes Chuya will come for me soon. I call it pathetic and tell it to shut up. I can't take this anymore, I never wanted to die in pain. Sitting up I twist my hand just enough to slip out of the knot, once my hands are free I easily untie my feet and set off to search for something sharp.

In this old steel warehouse it doesn't take long to find a good shard, and when I test it against the rope it slices cleanly through. Perfect.

Something stops me, "Wait just a little bit longer" the voice says, "he will come for you"

"Maybe" I whisper into the darkness

I decide to wait, if he does show up I want to at least yell at him first before I go. I try to imagine what I'll say to him but it's too exhausting so I just curl up again.

               ******************** LATER THAT NIGHT ********************

Chuuya's Perspective

It's raining now, but I don't worry too much because Dazai knows how to get back to our shared house. When I get there I expect him to be waiting to yell at me, but the house is silent. His shoes aren't by the door. Shit!

I turn around and head back out. I know where they stashed him. When I arrive at the warehouse it's still and silent . . . almost. I can hear soft sobs coming from a corner.

I move aside a rusty metal shelf and find him. When I see him only one thing comes to mind. What have I done?!

Ropes lay at his feet, he untied himself but didn't come home, what?

"You came for me." he says, but it sounds more like a question. His cheeks are wet with tears.

"Of course I did." I say trying to lift him up but he pulls away.

"Why."

"What do you mean why? Because I love you, dumbass. Now get up, let's go home."

"But you said you don't love me anymore." The tears are coming faster now.

"No, I never said that." I try to calm him but it isn't working.

"You said I'm not your boyfriend."

Oh.

What should I say, I can't deny I said it and he's in no state to understand why I had to lie.

He's full on bawling now, I have to quiet him down before someone hears us. I clamp a hand over his mouth but he only wails harder.

"Dazai, I love you. But you have to stop crying." It's hardly the most comforting sentiment but I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment. "Please just come with me and I promise I'll jump into the river with you tomorrow."

This gets his attention. He looks at me and I nod confirming my words. On the way home he passes out and I end up carrying him, he's frighteningly light

When we get home I grab the first aid kit. I'm still carrying him and we end up in the bathroom. I lay him on the tile floor and inspect the wounds. He's dead to the world and I unwrap the bandages on his wrists and ankles. By the time I'm done cleaning and dressing his cuts it's past midnight. He's still asleep so I tuck him in making a mental note to wash the sheets.

He'll probably be hungry when he gets up so I start dinner and wash up while it's cooking. When I go to our room to get my pyjamas he's still passed out.

As I dish a portion for myself I hear him stir. Immediately I'm at his side. He looks confused.

"Osamu, it's okay, I'm here." I say running my fingers through his thick brown hair.

"You" I brace myself for the anger, "You cleaned my cuts?" He asks, he looks out of it, like he's here but not really.

"Of course" I say, not really getting what he means, "why wouldn't I?"

"You didn't have too, I know you don't love me, you should have left me to be someone else's problem. I don't want to be your burden anymore."

"What!? NO, NO, NO!"

"It's okay Chuya I don't deserve you, I always thought you should find somebody better. I'm happy. I don't want to trouble you anymore." He says it plainly but I can see the sorrow hidden away deep in his eyes. His eyes are glassy, whatever drugs he took must not be quite out of his system yet.

"But Osamu, what about what I want?" He doesn't really believe that I could ever stop loving him, does he? "What if I want you to be my problem? No, no actually you're not a problem to me. I love you. I want to care for you. Always." I can feel small tears welling. It's so stupid, "I love you, Dazai Osamu I love you!"

"You do?" He asks, sounding like a child.

"Yes, so much, more than anything." I tell him.

He still looks out of it but I decide not to push him any farther.

"I made us dinner, it's not crab but it's that chicken that you like. Do you think you can eat any."

"No."

I do't want to pester him any so I put away the food and we both fall asleep.

--- --- --- ---

I wake up not hurt by the coldness on the other side of the bed. I always get up after Dazai. (he has insomnia).

But I get worried when I don't find him in the kitchen. Then I hear the water running. Oh . . . no, no, no!

I skid into the bathroom and see Dazai's clothes strew around the floor. Theman himself is sitting in the bath. His head is almost under the water but I can still see the tears dripping down his face. Making a light 'plink' sound when they hit the red water. His bandages are stained and coming loose causing the blood to taint the water.

"Yah! Mackerel. What are you doing." I hope he hears the surprise and concern in my voice and not just the scolding. I do feel slightly betrayed that he's tried to kill himself again.

He doesn't respond, slipping further into the water. I grab him by the shoulders and drag him up again, trying not to flinch when I feel how cold it is.

He gasps and coughs violently, the tears come faster now. Fuck! It's been nearly a minute and the coughing fit still sounds strong. Finally it cuts off with a sob.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here." I hold him close to me not caring if I get soaked. He clings to me still crying a bit.

I want to beg him to tell me why he would try to leave me like this, but I know that it would do no good. "Do you want to tell me what happened? We don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to though."

He shakes his head against me.

"Okay, that's okay. I need to move though, so I can get you new bandages."

He shakes his head again but lets me go.

"Let's at least get you into some warm clothes."

I know he's not alert enough to change so I bring him pyjamas and a jumper and help him get dressed. He's still staring off into space only snapping back to attention to sneeze. (And they say idiot's don't catch colds.)

-----

After I finish making breakfast (pouring cereal filling bowls with milk) I sit down next to Dazai.

"You had a bath last night, why did you want to take a shower again this morning?" I ask gently, remembering how I cleaned his wounds last night and holding his slim frame against my own. I wish we could be more open about our relationship, if only, if only, if only.

"I was so cold. I thought a hot shower would help, but-" He sighs and sniffles.

"It's okay." I whisper. Normally I would be angry at him for getting himself sick like this but it was hardly his fault and I can't bear to scold him when he's in a state like this. "I'm here now. Don't worry." I kiss the top of his head, "I'll never leave you." I add un-necessarily, wincing out of habit at the sappy mood I've created.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Looking at him I can say the word with absolute certainty, "until death do us part, not even then."

He raises an eyebrow at my choice of words, I don't regret it. I could never regret anything when it comes to him, except leaving him.

—

After we finish eating I get him to take medicine. The sad part being I don't have to get him to do anything. He takes it willingly. He's not even whining about how bad he feels, he must be feeling awful.

The medicine makes him sleepy and he passes out on the couch. I carry him bridal style back to bed, just as I'm about to close the door he mumbles something. Is he awake?

"Chu - Chuuya~"

"Yes?" I turn around, he's still very much asleep, arms outstretched in my direction.

"Chuuya snuggle with me~~!"

I obey, and slip under the covers. "If I get sick, you mackerel . . . " but there's no malice in it at all.

A few minutes later when I myself have just about drifted into sleep, I feel him sob against me and he sits straight up.

"Chuuya!" He's not awake.

"I'm right here, Osamu, right here. Go back to sleep." I touch his arm but he only continues to sob.

He only whispers now. "Chuuya! Don't leave me, I'm sorry, don't leave me. I'm sorry, please don't leave me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry~~" The tears fall like waterfalls down his delicate cheeks. "I'm sorry I called you a midget, a simpleton, the petite mafia, a hatrack and a slug! I won't ever do it again. I promise, I promise, I promise. Just please don't leave me." I shake him but he doesn't wake, instead reaching his arms in the opposite direction of me.

His voice is barely audible now. "I know I'm not good enough or good for anything but please, just please. I'm begging you, please stay. I-I" his voice cracks as he reaches out blindly. "I c-can't lose you!. PLEASE!"

"Osamu!" I yell "I'M RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!" I force my voice as loud as it will go. He wakes, tilting his head in my direction and looks at me with big teary doe eyes.

He may be awake, but I can't tell how lucid he is. I press my hand against his cheek and the warmth makes me frown. A fever dream. Osamu gives a hiccuping sob and then quiets down, still not quite opening his eyes but I think he can feel my presence.

"Yeah, it's okay, I'm here, it's okay. You're okay, we're okay. Everything is okay." I know my words of comfort don't exactly make sense, because nothing about anything is usually ever "okay" with us but he understands I mean RIGHT NOW. This present moment.

He nods slightly, then opens his mouth as if to say something, but shuts it.

"What is it, Osamu?"

He shakes his head.

"Please, I want to know." I ruffle his hair as I say the words and he leans into my touch.

"D-do . . . Do you really really really truly love me, Chuuya? You don't think I'm annoying or desperate or insane."

His question, words said with uncertainty between sad sniffles, shocks me, breaking my heart. "No, you're not desperate, I was the one who fell so miserably for you. Of course I love you. And let me tell you something," I move closer kissing his ear as I whisper, "I'm insane too, and I want to spend the rest of my life being annoyed by you, and annoying you right back. I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

Who would remind me of how short I am when I get too cocky? Who would kick my arse at arcade games? Who would reach the tall shelves at the supermarket? Who would I give my coat to when they get too cold? Who would look so cute wearing my hat? Who would I call a mackerel, a beanpole, a tacky bastard? Who's bandages would I take when I'm hurt? Who would I use all my free time worrying about? Who would have my back in a fight? Who would bring me back when I feel I'm losing myself?" I feel myself tearing up as pictures of a world without Osamu fill my mind, "I love you, okay, and I don't want to be in a world without you. And if you ever leave me I'll be right behind you, to haunt you. I Love you so damn much I don't know what to do with all that love, and I'm sorry if I don't always show it, it's just because I feel so much. So please stay, stay here with me, stay with me forever, okay."

Osamu just stares at me and the air is thick with my confession and our feelings for nearly three minutes, then, "Is- Is Chuuya proposing to me?"

His question makes me freeze, I think about the ring I've kept hidden away in my office. A silver band with a blue teardrop sapphire. I want so badly to put it on his finger now, I might as well admit it. " . . . I planned something fancier but–"

Before I can finish my senctece, Osamu's arms are clamped around me. This isn't what I'd expected. I'd always imagined he'd put on some drastic show and squeal and jump and cry fake tears. But now he just holds me tightly as if he's the one who has to worry about me slipping away, and his tears are very real. I can hear him muttering softly, "Yes." into my shoulder. My heart feels light but at the same time satisfyingly heavy with love.

We sit like this for a while, the only sound Osamu's poorly stifled coughs, I don't even mind.

"Can I wear it?" He asks, his voice muted by illness.

"Hmm?"

"The ring. You do have one, don't you, silly Chibi?" He sounds comically sceptical, even through the congestion.

"Of course I do, mackerel. But you can't sleep in it, you'll poke yourself, and besides it's in my office." Osmau frowns. "Hey, don't pout. I had a nice dinner picnic planned for us. It isn't my fault you decided to enact one of your silly schemes."

He grins mischievously, I kiss him again and grab my phone from the side table.

When he sees the photo his eyes widen, and he stares for a moment then hugs me again. He must be trying to squeal but only a rasp comes out and a stuffy, "I'm going to annoy you forever Chibi!!!"

My face breaks into a smile, the tension crumbling away, "I'm starting to gather that."

And when our lips meet, it feels like a new beginning.

Epilogue:

Something wakes me, a poke in the back. I turn over and Dazai's face is only a centimetre from mine. "Ah, jesus! What the hell?"

"Chibi, can ghosts haunt each other?"

"What, it's like 3:00 AM, why do you care anyway?"

"Exactly, the cursed hour, the perfect time to talk about ghosts, Chibi, didn't you know?"

Damn insomniac!

"Do you really believe in that stuff? You know what, never mind. Go back to sleep, you're ill, you need to rest." I emphasise the last word.

"But earlier, you said if I did way with myself then you'd come an haunt me. But wouldn't I be a ghost? So how would you haunt me?"

"Go. To. Sleep."

He gasps, and curls tighter next to me, "Ne Chuuya's such a buzzkill!"

I don't know if he says anything else, I'm already falling into slumber again.

(A/N: Did I make you cry? If I did, I'm sorry. I don't think this is a tear worthy story but idk. Sorry about the bad ending.)

[colorsofmyseason]

something just like this

Summary: Granit has no superpowers.

Pairing: Granit Xhaka/Mikel Arteta

Set sometime around the start of last season, I guess.

Part of my supernatural/superpower au!

-

Most Arsenal players either have superpowers or are supernatural creatures. That's nice, great even. There are rules and restrictions regarding power usage while playing football, sure, not to mention the unspoken danger lurking behind them, but they still get to have some fun with it. Mikel doesn't mind that, and he knows that despite all the shenanigans happening in the training ground, his lads are all trustable, responsible adults, so he says nothing when Bukayo turns their water bottles into a bunch of puppies or Kieran rains snowballs upon some unfortunate souls who slack off in training.

So, imagine the shock when the players find out that one of the more important members in the squad actually is no super after all.

"Wait, you're normal??" Aaron gasps, nearly dropping his gloves in surprise. "How come??"

Granit, the suspect in this situation, snorts. "I don't know, God doesn't love me enough to give me power, I guess?" he responds sarcastically. "Or I chose the wrong, normal parents when I descended from heaven."

"But I thought you might be a wizard or something," Ben says incredulously. "I mean, you're our vice captain, and the captain of your national team too."

"Having powers isn't a requirement to be one, Benjamin."

"I know, just saying."

The thing is, Mikel doesn't think Granit even needs power. Sure, if he'd been born with one, he would've done his absolute best to master and then use it for the greater good. But he wasn't, so he makes do with what he has, running with all his might even under the stormiest English clouds, kicking the ball until his feet bleed, yelling at his teammates even when they're down by three goals at the 89th minute to fight, fight, fight.

And of course, the way he holds Mikel in their shared bedroom, legs entangled together between their sheets, their naked, sweaty bodies pressed against each other, Granit's breath ghosting around Mikel's neck…

"I don't want powers," Granit is saying now, and Mikel forces himself to get his mind out of the gutter. "The way I see it, some powers are more nuisance than they're worth, and I don't want to deal with the repercussions. Besides," he adds with a little smirk, "I can handle things just fine without it anyway."

It's such a typical Granit quote that Mikel has to bite back a smile. For some people, it might sound as if he's trying to convince himself to accept his fate as a normie, but the coach knows it isn't like that with Granit. The Swiss midfielder always speaks from his heart, and rarely says anything that he doesn't mean. So Mikel doesn't find it hard to believe him, and he knows the others do as well.

And Granit is right. Who needs super strength if you're already capable of destroying every obstacle coming your way? Who needs to be able to control fire if your passion alone is enough to light up the whole stadium? Who needs to have magic if every moment you've spent together is more magical than anything else?

Yes, Granit is a normie and Mikel is not, but neither of them can care less, since they love each other and that's all that matters.

So when that night they get together again, Mikel makes sure to yell Granit's name extra loud and grab the younger's biceps tighter than usual to show his appreciation.

fin

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

To the well meaning folks that keep telling me not to do things on my own because it’s “dangerous”…..

Shut up before you find out how dangerous I can be!!!!

Look, I get it. You think if I climb a ladder I’ll fall and break my neck, if I go to the woods a snake will bite me, if I swim I’ll drown, or whatever. You imagine the worst possibilities and it scares you to think if these things happening to someone that doesn’t have some one there ready to rescue them.

But, damn it, you don’t get it. I don’t EVER have anyone waiting to rescue me!

You have friends, families, lovers , someone of some kind to do stuff with you. You might have to wait or make arrangements, but doing things with someone can happen if you want.

I have no choice! I’ve got no one!

If things are going to get done I have to do it myself. Sometimes it’s something that urgently needs doing and sometimes it’s just something that brings happiness to my life, but either way it’s the same. My choice is only between doing it alone or not doing it at all!

Do these folks honestly expect me to wait until some hypothetical day when I have someone else to live?

I used to assume there would come a day when I had someone.

When I was little I had lots of friends and family. I could count on them, trust them, rely on them. I ALWAYS wanted them there, sharing whatever was going on, good or bad…together.

And when I grew up and everyone had drifted away or died, I assumed it was just a lull. One day I’d meet someone who would care enough to want to be there the way my loved ones had. If you stay friendly, helpful, open and always yourself people, at least a few, will want to be your friend…..

HAH! Don’t count on it!

In my experience friendly people and friends are not the same. Friends you count on and count on you. They might come to your rescue. Friendly though, well don’t count on them for more than a smile and a wave as you bleed out in the gutter.

99% of the people that I’ve asked for help or, worse, have offered it enthusiastically, have failed to come through. To be fair to them, I think they all meant it in the moment. “If you ever need help…” “I can cut that up with my chainsaw” “Let me give you a hand when you do it” It’s all so easy to say, and you get to feel good about yourself for being so caring….

But they almost never come through. I wait and they never show up. I call and they don’t come. They forget, regret offering because now they find it inconvenient, or whatever.

Now I don’t get angry. I completely understand. I’m not a priority to anyone. I’m not family and friendly isn’t friends. Going out of your way for someone you love isn’t the same as doing it for someone you find friendly but a bit weird. They care casual, not care deep. I’m the person they will help if it’s easy. I’m not the top of anyone’s mind. I’m the one you forget about, never invite to parties, don’t send cards to….I’m the afterthought. People only can stretch caring so far, and I get the scraps left over when they are done with the people that matter to them.

It’s okay. I may never understand what is “wrong” about me that keeps people liking me lightly but never loving me, but I accept it.

My parents were the last people in the world that loved me, and now Pop’s dead and Mom can’t even help herself anymore. It’s just the way it is. It was easy to hope that “one day” I’d have my own family, traditional or not I hardly cared. But when you realize you are closer to death than birth and still alone, that no one that didn’t first know you as a child had ever loved you, you can’t keep clinging to hope.

Reality means if I need or want to do a thing, I do it alone or it never gets done.

Now, I do things carefully and cautiously. I am not an idiot. I also have many years of experience doing “dangerous” things. That helps. Contrary to popular belief I’m not insanely reckless.

Actually, all this telling me NOT to do things pisses me off on several levels. It isn’t just everyone assuming I can chose to have someone help me, that I have people that care, and that I have the luxury of not doing things until I am not alone. But there is also this aspect, this nagging dismissal of my judgement and abilities. They treat me like a child or a fool, someone without any awareness of risks. I do not appreciate that AT ALL!

So yes, I know about dangers. I’m hyper aware of risks and achingly aware of the ways being alone makes life harder. I can imagine all the worst case scenarios even better than you can, and realize all the ways thins should be done to be safe.

None of that means I can curl up and do nothing!

I wish I had company or someone I could depend on. I wish I had help. I wish I lived the sort of life you assume I do. But wishes are pointless.

This is my life. I have to do what I can while I can. I have to try to keep my life livable, even when it involves risk. I also am not willing to sacrifice all the joys of my life simply because I am alone.

If I listened to these people the kitchen wall would still be a waterfall and I would have to resign myself to never swimming again for the rest if my life. I’d never clean out Ryoga’s house or the soot filled chimney. I’d never watch the beavers swim around the swamp or photograph mushrooms in the woods. My living situation would be unendurable and the pleasures in my life would shrink to the tiniest of cages.

I refuse to wait to live for someone to decide they give a damn about me. Yes, I may one day die doing something “dangerous”, but at least I will have lived until that moment!

Anyway, folks that feel so free to tell me not to climb a ladder or walk in the woods, you COULD always join me instead of lecturing!

(How the fuck would they feel if I went “OMG! You shouldn’t drive! Do you know how dangerous cars are?!? Yeah, there is no mass transit at all around here and it’s too far to walk…… but DON’T DRIVE, it’s too DANGEROUS!!!!!!” That’s about how it feels to me.)