#is it nostalgia? trauma? a secret other thing? perhaps all of them at once? I don't know.

[neverendingford]

.

[takonei]

Beta AU - Main story, Chapter 2, daily life (Part 3)

Note of the author: To write is to suffer.

Also a week ago I had a test where I had to do a 70 word max commentary on something and that reminded me of the fact that I reached 20k words with this, and I’m not even done with chapter 2 smh

Chapter 2: The wolf and the lamb - Daily life

Day 7 since the beginning of the game. 7:00 AM.

Just like a few days ago, Shuichi couldn’t sleep well due to the upcoming event and what happened te day before. He stared at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity before deciding to get dressed and perhaps join those who have already woken up.

When he finally got out of his bedroom, he saw Miu going out as well. He caught up to her.

“Hey...”

She almost jumped at his presence. “Don’t lurk on me like that, jeez...”

That was absolutely not the case but none of them were in the mood for bickering. They walked to the dining hall in silence.

After a while Miu mumbled in a very low voice: “I’m sorry for yesterday.”

Shuichi took a while to think about a correct response. “Just make sure to talk to Kiyo about this.” She nodded.

There were surprisingly more people than expected. Kirumi, Keebo, Kokichi and Korekiyo were there.

“Good morning.” Korekiyo said, looking at the two.

“Sup.”

“Good morning...” Shuichi responded. “No one was able to sleep, huh?”

“This morning will be stressful for all of us, it’s normal.” Rantaro’s voice was heard as he entered the room, his hands full of tablets. Ryoma was behind him with a part of the tablets as well.

They put the tablets on the table. Shuichi and Miu helped them sort the kubs pads by group. The rest of them arrived one by one to eat their breakfast.

The morning announcement rang and the only people not there were Kaito and Himiko, which was weird considering Himiko’s energetic nature and Kaito was not exactly lazy.

About 15 minutes after, everybody was there. None of them really knew if they were impatient or didn’t want to see their videos.

They separated to make sure no one would hear other videos. After watching the videos, they were ordered to go back to the dining hall.

Shuichi’s group went to his lab, Rantaro’s group to his lab, Kirumi’s group to her lab and Kaede’s group to her lab.

There weren’t any chairs in Shuichi’s lab, so they sat on the floor to make sure everyone could watch.

Shuichi asked if any of them wanted to watch their video first.

“Me. If you guys don’t mind.” Miu said, the regret in her voice.

After making sure he took the right one, he put it down for the others to watch.

Miu Iruma’s motive video What is your motive!?

Miu took a deep breath. She was faintly shaking.

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

A picture appeared on the screen.

The kid was not older than 4 or 5 years old.

Shuichi glanced at her. her eyes were red and he could see tears form in her eyes.

“Miu Iruma, the ultimate Street artist...

Famous all around the country for her *marvelous* fluorescent paintings in the streets.

Contrary to popular belief, she wasn’t seeking fame and fortune. Her goal was to protect the only person she truly cherishes, her adopted son.”

Shuichi took a deep breath. He hoped the other videos don’t make them as emotional.

“Our team has managed to get in contact and talk to him. He misses his dear mother terribly, what kind of kid wouldn’t after all? Let’s hear the poor, lonely child’s cry for help then!”

That was just sadism at this point. No wonder Miu completely snapped after watching this. She had a hand on her mouth, holding herself back from breaking into tears.

“Mommy?”

The kid, “Kaz” as she called him, appeared on the screen, sitting on a couch. Miu closed her eyes and faced the ground.

“I don’t understand what’s happening but I believe in mom! I know she can do this! Don’t ever give up! Mom is the strongest mom I’ve ever known, I’m sure no matter what happens, she'll be able to surpass it, I love you mom!”

Kaito pat her back in confort. It was hard for them to watch this, but they couldn’t even begin to imagine how she felt.

Monokuma’s voice continued. “He believes in his mother more than anyone else. Will Miu be able to gather enough strength for him?

Ah, yes... One more thing...

Shortly after our discussion, that brat suffered an unfortunate accident.”

The others frowned.

“What kinda accident? It’s a secret! Find out for yourself. Puhuhuhuhu...”

The screen went black. Miu was clenching to her stomach. She wanted to scream.

Kiyo was most likely thinking about something to calm her down. He set the tablet aside. “We can pause for a moment if you need some time.”

She took a deep breath. A shaky breath. “Don’t- Don’t worry about me. Continue if you want to.”

Kiyo didn’t back down. “The others will understand if we spend more time in this room than we intended at first.”

She nodded, looking at the ground. About five minutes later she had calmed down enough to start another video.

“Is anyone volunteering to watch their video?” Kiyo asked.

“I... I think I can handle it.” Kaito said. He was unsure, but so was the rest of the group.

“Alright. I’m turning on the tablet.”

Once again, the screen lightened up to show the video.

Kaito Momota’s motive video What is your motive!?

Kaito took a deep breath. He was trying to hide his nervousness, but it really showed on his face.

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

The picture had Kaito with a motorcycle and a gold medal, with his grandparents proudly smiling at their grandson.

“Kaito Momota, the Ultimate Biker...

While he is possibly one of the most loyal member of the biker gang he considers his second family, how could you possibly forget his real one?”

Kaito clenched his fists, but said nothing.

“Thaaaaat’s right! He gave a major part of the money he earned to his own grandparents. How adorable!

I mean his parents couldn’t even do the job of taking care of their own son, yet same son takes care of his grandparents. How ironic!

... Or not.”

Kaito’s expression was unreadable.

“What kind of son would abandon his family while an unfortunate event is affecting them in the worst ways possible?

What happened, you may ask? Find out for yourself! Puhuhuhu!”

The screen went black.

There was a short silence that felt like an eternity.

Shuichi was hesitant, but he spoke first. “You okay...?”

Kaito took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m fine. We can talk about this later, let’s just move on.”

Kiyo raised an eyebrow an stared at him to get at least a glimpse of emotion. He sighed.

“Shuichi, do you wish to see your video now or do you want me to go first?”

He nodded. “Let’s just get this over with.”

He didn’t tell the others about the feeling that something would go wrong very soon. But he couldn’t say anything. After all Kaito and Miu already showed their videos, that would be unfair for them to stop there.

Shuichi Saihara’s motive video What is your motive!?

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

Shuichi took a deep breath.

A picture of a middle aged man, a young woman about 20 years old and Shuichi himself appeared. He recognized them as his uncle and his cousin.

“Shuichi Saihara, the Ultimate Violinist...

He has made his own reputation thanks to his parents, ironic considering the fact that the the boy probably saw them less times than I saw dead bodies in a killing game.”

Shuichi winced.

“Since those ‘2popular4you’ idiots weren’t capable of taking care of a single person they left the poor child to his uncle, who took care of him like his own son. Such a nice family, right?”

A wave of nostalgia hit Shuichi. The time spent with them between concerts, the games he used to play with his cousin...

“But all good things come to an end! Those two got taken away in an unfortunate accident.

But what kind of incident? It’s for you to find out!”

The screen turned off. Shuichi was lost in thoughts. He wanted to say that he would get them back no matter the cost but yesterday’s experience made him reconsider his words. Perhaps that’s what Kaito was thinking too after he watched his own video.

He didn’t realize how long he’s been thinking until Korekiyo put a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah- Yes, I’m fine. Just... Nostalgic.”

He faintly heard Miu say “I get you.”

Kaito looked at Shuichi with unease. Like he wanted to say something to reassure him but didn’t find the words to do so.

Korekiyo took the last tablet in his hands. “I guess it’s finally my turn.”

He took a deep breath and turned the tablet on.

Korekiyo Shinguji’s motive video What is your motive!?

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

The picture featured him and a young woman a bit older than him.

“Korekiyo Shinguji, the Ultimate Therapist...

Able to help people et through the worst traumas the world could inflict. A genius dedicated to heal psychological scars...

Even for his own sister who had sunken into insanity before his precious help. He dedicated his entire life to help poor traumatized sister.”

Kiyo was completely silent and unreadable, it was almost scary.

“She was already borderline psychotic without her sweet brother, but now that he disappeared... Puhuhuhuh! I can only imagine the consequences!

But the wild lady didn’t enjoy her brother’s absence very long due to an accident. But what accident? See after graduation!”

The last video was over. Kiyo retrieved the rest of the tablets. “Before you ask me, i’m fine. Seeing the rest of your videos prepared me for mine.”

He stood up. “Once again, if any of you need anything, I’ll be here.”

Shuichi stood up as well. “You sure? I don’t think that’s very healthy to put the sake of everyone else on your shoulders, even for you...”

He shook his head. “I can assure you I’ll be fine. I will talk to you if it’s necessary, since that’s what this group is for.”

Miu and Kaito joined them. “So... Should we go to the dining hall?”

Shuichi nodded. But Kiyo looked at Miu. “You two go without us, I need to talk to Miu first.”

Miu gave them a weak thumbs-up, leaving the two boys.

As they were walking, Shuichi turned to Kaito. “You heard Kiyo... If you need any help he or I can talk to you. We’re in the same boat, right?”

The biker turned to him, then smiled. “Alright bro. We’re the ‘our parents are garbage and decent people in the family took care of us’ gang, right?” He extended his fist.

Shuichi chuckled and fist bumped Kaito. “Hehe, kinda...”

After seconds of silence Shuichi was still nervous. “Do you think the others are okay?”

Kaito scratched the back of his neck. “Well I hope so... Can’t guarantee anything though.”

They reached the dining hall to see both Kirumi and Kaede’s groups. However Rantaro’s group was still absent.

They were all more or less neutral, or hiding their expressions. Kaede, however, didn’t look well. Maki was patting her back in comfort. But judging by the silence of the room, now was not the time.

Kirumi raised an eyebrow. “Where is the rest of your group?”

A voice came from behind them. “Right here.”

It was Kiyo, with Miu. They looked around and noticed Rantaro’s group’s absence as well. “I see that Rantaro, Kokichi and Himiko did not return.

Keebo looked puzzled. “I don’t really get it, they were 3 and yet they’re the last group to come.”

Kirumi crossed her arms. “Our group was the first to come, and we were only 3. Tsumugi, you said your group watched the videos all at once almost without pausing.”

She turned to Shuichi. “I assume that’s not your case?” her eyes were fixed on his’ like he was her prey.

“Y-Yes, Kiyo suggested to take a breath between the videos.”

Talking about Miu’s reaction was a bad idea, for now.

They waited the last group five minutes before they entered the dining hall. Rantaro looked nervous, Himiko was trying to hide her distress and Kokichi’s eyes were almost as red as Miu’s when they finished her video.

Kiyo hesitated for a moment but spoke anyway. “If any of you need support or therapy sessions I’ll be available. However I cannot force you. Just consider the offer available anytime.”

Kokichi nodded. Rantaro weakly smiled. “Thanks a lot, Kiyo. Your help is more than welcome.”

Shuichi exhaled a breath. But he couldn’t stop feeling nervous. What did those three even see in those videos?

Maki lifted her head. “And now? Is there anything we should do about the videos or-”

“Oh, I know!!” a high pitched voice was heard.

Monokuma popped up out of nowhere as usual.

“Sheesh, you guys were slow watching those videos, I almost wanted to break in those binge-watch sessions. Waiting was bor-”

“Get to the point already.” Rantaro ordered.

The bear laughed. “Puhuhuhuhu! I’m glad you said so!”

He jumped on the table to make sure everyone was listening.

“Watching you guys cooperate to fight despair was interesting, really! Which is why it gave me an idea... For a new motive!”

Shuichi’s eyes widened. “What?”

“You heard me, music-boy! You guys talk so much about cooperating and helping each other, it gave me a splendid idea!”

“Let me present you... The accomplice perk!”

The others looked at him nervously. No one liked where this was going.

“Here are the rules. The next blackened, if they manage to get away with their crime, will be able to take one person with them, and they will graduate together!”

This was the last thing they needed. They had just watched their videos. They knew each other’s secrets. Monokuma knew they were watching the videos. Without realizing it, they all fell into a trap they hadn’t anticipated. 

“Now do what you want with this, I just want a crime with an accomplice or something. I haven’t seen these in decades!” He disappeared, leaving everyone to themselves.

...

“Well fuck.” Kaito broke the silence.

“No human language can describe the disappointment I'm feeling right now.” Kiyo added, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Shuichi turned to Ryoma. He was reading something on his monopad. After a few seconds he left the room with one of the tablets, presumably his own.

“Where are you going exactly?” Kirumi asked. Ryoma didn’t give an answer. The others were confused.

They heard glass shattering, an object thrown to the ground and stepped on. Shuichi and Rantaro rushed to the kitchen and saw Ryoma, his kubs pad on the ground, shattered to pieces. He looked at them with the most neutral expression possible. “Mind giving me a hand?”

Rantaro raised an eyebrow. “You’re planning on destroying all the tablets?”

Ryoma took the large pieces off the ground. “It’s not against the school rules. We watched the videos. No need for them anymore.”

Rantaro narrowed his eyes. “At least let’s discuss it with everyone.”

They returned to the dining hall to see the others confused. “I was already planning to do this before Monokuma’s second motive. Now is just another reason to do so.”

“H-Hold on! We can’t just destroy them like that!” Miu exclaimed.

“The sooner, the better. I smashed my own tablet. Feel free to do so as well.”

Shuichi was hesitant. “What if... We want to keep at least a souvenir of the people on it? To at least give us some strength to continue...” he trailed off when he saw Kokichi walking off to the kitchen and coming back with about several sharp knives. He proceeded to destroy his tablet without a word as the others were watching. Himiko kept her gaze on the ground.

“Do what you want with your tablets, but I’m not watching this again.”

Shuichi could read a small bit of satisfaction on his face.

Kirumi took hers and did the same. “I get that some of you hold some people close to your heart, but some of us aren’t that lucky.”

Tsumugi destroyed her tablet as well. “It’s for the best.”

Shuichi looked at his reflection on the black screen. He didn’t want to forget them. He really didn’t.

Rantaro spoke up. “Miu, Angie, you two are quite skilled in the field of art, right?”

Miu nodded. Angie kept swinging her legs under the table. “Yup! Yup! Let me guess, you want us to recreate their portraits so we can destroy the tablets anyway?”

“Yes. We’ll have to do without their voices. It’s just to make sure no one watches someone else’s video outside of the groups.”

She hummed for a few seconds. “I’m okay with this, but first!”

She stood up, put the tablet on her chair and smashed it with the giant paintbrush she carries at all times. The tablet was almost perfectly broken in half.

“Done! If you need my help to create something for you, just ask!” she said almost too cheerily for someone who just destroyed the last connection she had with the outside world.

But Shuichi was more surprised to see Kiyo destroying his tablet. From what the video said, he didn’t hate his sister from the look of things. But he shouldn’t assume how he was feeling.

Rantaro himself put his tablet on the ground. He made a quick salute. “So long, partners.” he smashed the tablet several times to make sure it didn’t work anymore.

“It looks like half of us already destroyed their tablets. It’s a good start. I know this won’t solve everything but if we can get them out of the way that would be better.” he added.

To everyone’s surprise, Kaede threw the tablet on the floor to destroy it.

“I... I miss my family. I really do. But...”

She looked at the rest of the group with a newly found confidence. “I don’t want it to make me do things I’ll regret. So if destroying these will help us move forward... Then so be it.”

Rantaro sighed in relief. Maki looked at her, surprised by her -friend-’s words, but she was not mad.

Keebo smiled. “The I’ll take care of it as well.” about ten seconds later, his tablet was no more.

There were now 5 kubs pads intact: Kaito’s, Miu’s, Himiko’s, Maki’s and Shuichi’s. They all looked at each other. The peer pressure was growing, and Shuichi was holding onto his tablet more and more tightly.

Rantaro approached him. “Hey, we suggested the idea of at least keeping the portraits. You don’t have to feel pressured into destroying the tablet right now.”

Shuichi smiled. “Thank you. I just... Think I need a reminder of why I’m fighting against this killing game. So if Miu can make at least a sketch of my family portrait that would be really nice.” He looked at her with a genuine smile. Her eyes widened for a few seconds before smiling back.

“Alright, if any of you wants some family portrait, I’ll be in my lab for the rest of the day making them.”

Rantaro smiled at her. “Thank you for your service Miu.” He turned to the rest of the group.

“I’ll go with them to make sure everything goes smoothly. If any of you need Kiyo’s help or advice, don’t hesitate to ask him. I’m counting on you all to maintain this group together.”

He turned to the ones with their tablets still intact. “Miu, Kaito, Himiko, Maki and Shuichi, we’ll go to Miu’s lab for the portraits.”

“Oh! Oh! May I join??” Angie raised her hand.

Miu chuckled. “Alright, Twinkle! Show me what you got!”

They left to the street artist’s lab. Shuichi didn’t feel good going back after... The previous incident, but he didn’t have a choice. He looked at Miu, she was chatting with Rantaro. At least she looked better than after watching her motive video.

He noticed Himiko being rather silent. He decided to start the conversation. “You okay?”

The small girl lifted her head. “Oh, don’t worry! I’m just worried about... You know...”

“Your family?” he finished. But she shook her head.

“No, I’m worried about Kokichi.”

Shuichi didn’t expect this. “Oh... Right...”

“I know he isn’t a bad person... I just know it... But he is so convinced that he is I just... Don’t know what to say to him.”

Shuichi had absolutely no idea on what was on his video. He wasn’t in the right to ask, and Himiko was certainly not in the right to tell him about it.

“I don’t really know that much about him but...” he put a hand on her shoulder. “Stay by his side. It’s easy to tell he likes you, you know?”

Her eyes widened. “Really?”

He hummed. “I talked to him the other day, he doesn’t really get why you like him so much, but he doesn’t complain. I guess he is just very shy and anxious?”

Himiko clenched her fists, but more in a determined manner than an angry one. “Then I’ll help him overcome it! I know he wants to better himself, so I’ll help him!”

Shuichi smiled and ruffled her hair. “You’re a good person Himiko. I’m glad he has someone like you to help him.”

She wiped a small tear in the corner of her eye. “Oh! I’ll ask Angie to add him on my family picture!”

Shuichi chuckled. “Also, try to encourage him to seek out help to Kiyo if he hasn’t already. We have the Ultimate therapist with us. That’s quite convenient.”

She hummed. “I will!”

They arrived at Miu’s lab. Angie turned to Miu. “Soooo how do we split the work?”

Miu clicked her tongue. “Depends on how they want to stylise the portrait. Either something fancy with you, or something modern with me.”

Himiko jumped. “Angie! Can you do mine?”

She smiled. “Of course!”

They shared the work. Miu would work on the family portraits of Shuichi, Kaito and herself.

Angie took Himiko and Maki with her.

The rest of the morning was spent finding ideas. Angie may not have her lab open, but Miu had enough materials to make the portraits.

Kirumi brought them lunch so the girls wouldn’t loose their focus.

Miu’s group brought paint to Shuichi’s lab to do her work. Shuichi had gathered several music sheets and after taping them on the wall, Miu used them as a canvas.

Shuichi was very impressed by the final result. It was easy to see that Miu put her whole heart and soul into it.

“So? How’s that for you?” she proudly asked.

Shuichi felt tears in the corner of his eyes. “It’s really impressive. Thanks a lot, Miu. I’m really glad you accepted to do this for me. That means a lot.”

She looked at her with a weak smile. “Don’t sweat it. I can only get what it’s like to miss your family.”

Shuichi looked at the portrait for a good thirty seconds. Thankfully Kaito and Miu didn’t say anything.

“I think we should move on. Let’s just find something to smash this thing.” he broke the silence.

After destroying the tablet they saw Angie working on an impressive portrait with its frame, all made using origami. Rantaro was observing, since he didn’t have the necessary skills to help.

Then went on Kaito’s family portrait. Surprisingly he didn’t want something too different from reality, so Miu simply made a reproduction of the picture offered by the kubs pad.

Angie, Himiko, Rantaro and Maki left for the latter’s lab.

Kirumi had come to clean up the broken tablets. When asked where she was even putting them, she said Ryoma could use some of the components with some tools from the warehouse, but that it was fine since there was no possibility to recover the parts containing the videos specifically, or just being able to watch any video at all.

She had stayed to watch Miu paint a part of the giant walls. The portrait of her son was astonishing. If Shuichi’s family portrait was wonderful, hers was simply divine.

Kirumi had just assumed it was her little brother, so Kaito and Shuichi went along with it since it was easier to explain.

By the time they were finished, it was about 6 PM. Kirumi also took the broken pieces of Maki’s tablet.

The evening came, and everyone felt definitely better than they were at the beginning of the day after Monokuma announced the second motive. After all, all of the tablets were destroyed, which lifted the anxiety the majority was feeling.

After dinner, Shuichi, Kaito and Rantaro went outside to talk.

They were mostly relieved that Miu had managed to calm down. Kiyo even told them that she would get a therapy session the next day after the morning announcement and breakfast.

However Rantaro felt off.

“Is something wrong?” Shuichi asked.

He lifted his head to look at him. “Oh, nothing. I’m just a bit anxious about what Monokuma will come up with next. To make sure everyone gets along is a challenge here.”

He chuckled. “Even back on the front lines we cooperated more. But that doesn’t really matter now.”

Kaito smiled. “Hey, it’s not the best situation, but we can manage! Look at us today, we managed to open up even more!”

He extended his fist. “We’re doing good, so let’s just continue sticking with each other. Man’s promise?”

Rantaro laughed. “Whatever you call it. Man’s promise.” he extended his fist as well.

Shuichi was a bit nervous, but did so anyway. “Yeah. Man’s promise as you say.”

They left to go back to the dorms, but Shuichi decided to go to his lab for a while, to look at his family portrait one last time.

Even after hours it was still eye candy to him. She really had managed to capture their essence, and even his passion for violin with the music sheets used as a canvas.

After a few minutes he left his lab.

Just when he was about to go to his room he noticed Kaede, visibly nervous, leaving her room.

“You okay?” he asked.

She almost jumped. “Yes, don’t worry about me I’ll just... Go write on my notebook. It helps me relax.”

Shuichi was almost not convinced. “If you say so... Just don’t wander too much in the hallways, alright?”

She smiled. “Of course! It’s only to clear my mind. Those times have been quite stressful, you know?”

He nodded. “I know... But how can you be inspired in times like these?”

She chuckled. “You know, sometimes it’s less about inspiration and more about a way to mentally escape this cage. A sparrow may be nothing but a prey to a man, but it will fly further than the man will ever be able to.”

Shuichi smiled. “That’s a nice way of thinking.”

“Oh well, maybe I’m just rambling. See you tomorrow!” She left.

Hopefully tomorrow would be fine.

...

Day 8 since the beginning of the game. 7:30 AM.

Shuichi woke up feeling rested. He felt the worry slowly fading away, and more and more determined to end the game.

After dressing up he walked to the dining hall, only to see that no one was there. He couldn’t even ask himself why he was alone when he heard it.

The cursed music, and the voice he resented more than anything.

“Ding dong, dong ding!”

“A body has been discovered!”

“Everyone, please gather at the library!”

Shuichi froze.

“What...?”

He didn’t even think. He rushed to the basement, only to see Kirumi, Rantaro, Kiyo and Ryoma looking at the table that he could not see because of the pile of books.

He slowly approached them. That’s when he saw it.

On one of the chairs rested the inanimate body...

... Of Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate writer.

[nedalawhisper]

Good morning! Here we are again, I bring a new story of Fragile and Higgs, this time more focused on her!

I wanted to tell you that I'm open to writing ideas in particular that you ask me.

If you want, you can try reading it with this song in the background

𝑇𝘩𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑎 𝑜𝑓 𝑐𝑜𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑒, 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠, 𝘩𝑢𝑔𝑠, 𝑏𝑢𝑡... 𝑊𝘩𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑢𝑛𝑘𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑡'𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑤?

They say that love and hate share something as biological and perfect as brain chemicals. When you hate someone, you secrete the same neurotransmitters as when you love, and even when you take some type of drug. Curious, right? Sometimes you need to understand the mind to understand some behaviors, such as going to the bunker where you and the one who was supposed to be the love of your life shared time alone.

[Welcome, Fragile.]

That voice greeted under the control of anlo automatic bunker program, it did it every time someone entered. If it were a human, it would ask her why she hadn't come home for a year. This corner had been a comforting home for both, Higgs and her, where they could be natural, Fragile was away from work and that managed to remove the serious mask that the woman always wore.

However, now it was only sadness that she felt upon entering there. The woman immediately went to the control panel to increase the ventilation speed, the air was too charged. She expected it in a worse state, it's true that everything was full of dust (it even made her sneeze a few times just breathing there) but luckily there was no water leakage or anything. Only the mistreatment of an abandoned place. It was no more than two instances, the entire cabin and a bathroom for both of them. Perfect for a couple, even large compared to where they both normally rested. A kind of living room at the back, an island with chairs to eat, a kitchen where to make homemade food ... Perfect right?

Just looking at that place, Fragile's head filled with memories that now felt like blades on the skin. Nostalgia is a feeling that she wouldn't wish on anyone, ever, or her worst enemy. The laughter, the screams of happiness, those moments when Fragile practically fell asleep hugging Higgs. A tear had leaked down her cheek and left a mark on the dusty ground and no, it hadn't been for the chiral allergy. Seeing that seemed to focus her again, she had only come back for her things and that's what she would do; take them and go right..?

The woman resumed the path to the stairs that led to the top where the bed was and the wardrobe where she would find what she wanted. She began to take out her clothes, her shoes, jackets... Among them there were even some other Higgs t-shirt or sweatshirt that she "stole" from him (let's be honest, wide clothing is very comfortable and more when it is from your loved one and it smells that special person.). It's a gesture she shouldn't have done but took the shirt and brought it up to her face. Even after a year it still retained some of the aroma and it hit her, so hard that it could have resembled a blow to the stomach.

God, two days ago she had been able to get rid of everything from Higgs but in the end what she kept in the headquarters didn't have an emotional charge as strong as those that remained in that place. Now... what difference did it make? She was sunk back to her neck. She stuffed that pair of clothes into the backpack she had brought and turned to look at the bed. An unmade bed, cold and dusty. That morning was the last. The one in which Fragile brought the bomb to Middle Knot City, Higgs was extremely nervous that moment but attributed it to the pressure of work... Who could imagine all that...?

Her feet shuffled to the same bed and she sat on it, not caring about the dirt accumulated by the year of neglect. She felt her cheek wet again and took off her gloves to clean herself, then placed them on her own knees but when she saw them, she felt that punch of pain again. It wasn't because of the marks of old age, it wasn't because of the trauma of running under Timefall, it was because of who did it. Her body collapsed for a few seconds, maybe she shouldn't swallow those situations so much and take them out. In that bunker she was alone, completely alone, so Fragile felt free enough to cry.

"Why did you do it...? I loved you so much... I keep doing it, I'm stupid..."

Her hands went to her own neck and pulled out a necklace, looking like a Qpido but on a smaller scale. That little necklace had once helped them locate and protect themselves, but a year ago Higgs's had stopped signaling. She released it from the weight of her fingers and the pendant floated over the palm of her hand until she decided to put it back on her neck. She raised her head and looked around with those deep navy eyes, a sea beset by a storm that will perhaps last forever.

After feeling somewhat calmer Fragile got up and decided that although this place was no longer going to be occupied by anyone, she couldn't have it so neglected either, so she picked it up, perhaps in the end it would become a refuge when she could overcome Higgs, overcome it so that the memories only filled the heart but didn't make her cry.

One last look, that bunker that no longer seemed like total chaos. The blonde put the backpack on her shoulders and walked to the entrance. Her fingers brushed the necklace for the last time in a special way, one that normally sent a message to the other quickly so that the latter would get the message that one of them missed the other and loved. Although she assumed that message would no longer arrive...

Never more.

[comixconnection]

Counter Monkey John Arminio reviews ‘Spider-Man: Life Story’

Writer Chip Zdarsky (Daredevil, Invaders, Sex Criminals) won the Eisner Award for Best Single Issue/One-Shot for his Peter Parker: Spectacular Spider-Man #310 (Zdarsky did the art on that issue as well) at this year's San Diego Comic-Con. It was much deserved, as the issue wrapped up that series with a story that was as humorous as it was touching, about not only the effect one man can have on those around him, but on the effects random encounters can have on our own lives. It also addressed the difficulties of being Spider-Man, how his public face can be so divisive; a hero to many, a villain to others, and how the ripple effects of his every action can have unforeseen, infinite destinations in a city as interconnected as New York. To be able to encapsulate all this in a single issue spoke to a deep and profound understanding of the character, so it is both fitting and tragic that issue #310 was the last of the series (but don't worry, you can currently pick up that issue, contained in Peter Parker: Spectacular Spider-Man, vol. 4: Coming Home at Comix Connection right now!). While Zdarsky has certainly stayed busy writing a wide swath of characters for Marvel, as well as several creator-owned projects, he is still plying his unique brand of brilliant superhero insight on the miniseries Spider-Man: Life Story. The comic is a sort of "What If?" series in which, as in the original Amazing Fantasy #15, Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in 1962, but instead of staying perpetually youthful in the style of comic book storytelling, he ages through history as a normal person (as does the entire Marvel universe).

What does life hold for a middle-aged Peter Parker? An elderly Spider-Man? How does our perception of a teenage Peter change knowing we will see him grow old? In Life Story, he only has one chance to be a high school and college student, a young professional, and a newlywed, as opposed to the thousands of Spidey tales we've seen of those particular times in his life since the character made its debut. Each action is more precious in Life Story, so when Peter is late for a date with Mary Jane or misses an appointment to take Aunt May to the doctor because being Spider-Man has, once again, ripped him away from his duties as part of the Parker family, it's forever, as opposed to next month when he'll get another chance. Peter's relationship to historical events is given added weight as well. The first issue deals largely with his decision on whether or not to enter the Vietnam war, especially considering the added power his spider-abilities give him. Of course, his classmate and rival Flash Thompson has signed up to fight, but Peter doesn't even know if that is the correct decision. This is his generation's conflict, both on the battlefield halfway around the world and at home, in the hearts and minds of human and superhuman alike. Zdarsky is able to crystallize that conflict via superheroes, and it's an original, compelling take on a story so many have told before. Seeing how the stories we know so well change or stay the same as Peter acquires both age and wisdom is fascinating to read. The famous Black Suit, for example, acquired during the industry-changing comic event that was Secret Wars, has an entirely different context if the Peter Parker donning the suit is well into adulthood, a family man, even approaching middle-age, as opposed to a young man. Faced with the inevitable diminishing of his physical abilities because of age, the added responsibility of having a family, and the knowledge of the unfathomable, cosmic threats the events of Secret Wars revealed to him, the powerful enhancements afforded him by the Black Suit are put in a completely different light. Sure, the suit infects his mind, is a living thing with its own agenda and therefore causes him to act more violently towards criminals and his family alike, but how can he afford to abandon it? He's a hero. He has to make sacrifices. How long before his body fails him? Won't he need that extra boost of power to defeat whatever is... out there, waiting to kill him and everything he loves?

Special attention should also be paid to the stellar artistry of Mark Bagley on Spider-Man: Life Story. He is a modern artist, to be sure, one in line with the sensibilities of comic books in the 21st Century, but there is something so classic and timeless about his art that seeing him work his magic on events written in past decades, about past decades, is incredibly striking. It certainly helps the reader transport themselves to the era the story takes place in. His line work certainly does not call to mind Spider-Man's co-creator Steve Ditko, but the reader can feel Bagely's connection to Peter Parker's comic book DNA in every line he draws. Bagley's style is very representational, but that does not limit his expansive imagination. His changes to character costumes, some subtle and some drastic, always feel true to the characters who don them. Perhaps his greatest achievement here is how he ages his characters. Bringing Peter Parker from adolescent to middle-age while bringing, for example, Tony Stark from middle-age to senior citizen, while keeping true to the design aesthetics established in the book (and their respective histories) is a monumental task. Oh yeah, and he has to tell an exciting, emotional super-hero story set in a new time period every issue. If all that doesn't deserve an Eisner nomination in 2020, I don't know what does.

What Zdarsky and artist Mark Bagley are able to achieve with Spider-Man: Life Story is nothing short of remarkable. Comic books is a medium particularly given to nostalgia, especially with a character so iconic, so beloved, and, frankly, so old as Spider-Man. We all want our new Spider-Man stories to make us feel like they did when we were first getting to know the character. We all know how he "should" be written, and we all have different notions of what that ideal Spider-Man is. So retelling the events of Spider-Man's past, from his awkward youth to the Clone Saga to the Inheritors, seems like it could be an empty nostalgia exercise, one that could be totally unoriginal or anger fans who hold those stories sacred. Life Story avoids all such pitfalls, forming a narrative that uses what the reader knows (or what we think we know) about the character and creating new, emotionally rich tales that move us. Even with more modern stories, or ones that we might not look back on as fondly as others, are put on equal footing in Zdarsky's writing because they play an equally important part of Peter's life. From Vietnam to psychic vampires, Peter's trauma (and the trauma of his family) from being a superhero is on display in every issue, not just the ones with the "real" Spider-Man stories. The conflicts between friends and family are given added weight as well. If Peter has a disagreement with Tony Stark, Reed Richards, or Aunt May, it's doubly tragic because, just like in real life, that person might be dead in the next ten years (i.e. the next issue). Funerals are forever in Spider-Man: Life Story, but that makes every day Peter spends with his family all the more precious. Accordingly, Zdarsky and Bagley might not have hundreds of issues to tell their spider-epic, but that makes each of these six precious as well.

I wanted to get this review completed and posted before the last issued came out to give people a chance to catch up. Issue #5 of Spider-Man: Life Story was just released on July 17th, and the final issue is set to arrive on August 28th. If you missed an issue and want to catch up, most of the series went into 2nd or 3rd printings, so it is still readily available as of this writing. If you want to make sure to get the series all at once, the complete miniseries will be collected in trade paperback and released on October 23rd, available for pre-order now. 5 *thwips* out of 5

[wazafam]

In Frozen 2, there are some callbacks to hit predecessor Frozen, some of them done in the form of crystalline memories Elsa sees in the Ahtohallan. The film reunites the voice talents of the first movie, including Idina Menzel, Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Jonathan Groff, and contains little nods to jokes and story elements from Frozen. In one scene, Elsa sees actual visions of moments from her past with the help of a magical river, the Ahtohallan.

The second film introduces new story elements, expanding the mythical design of the Frozen universe to include a tale the princesses' parents told them as children. Their mother sings them a song about a magical place "Where the North wind meets the sea, there's a river full of memory," and their father tells them of the indigenous people to the north, the Northuldrans, who live in an enchanted forest beyond the borders of Arendelle. King Runeard, the girls' grandfather, made a treaty with the tribe by offering to build a dam. A fight occurs for unknown reasons, and the king is killed, leaving the kingdom to his son, who is rescued from the fray. Years later, Elsa goes on a quest to discover what happened to anger the forest spirits, and she eventually comes to the very river full of memory that her mother spoke of, a place called Ahtohallan.

RELATED: Frozen 2's Best Elsa Song Was Almost Cut Months Before Release

In recent years, the Disney company has utilized self-referential humor and meta-jokes in an effort to move into the future while protecting their brand from the past. Jokes in Frozen like, "You got engaged to a man you just met?" and "If you start singing, I'm gonna throw up," in Moana act as a recollection for older fans, reinventing and critiquing all at once. The scene in the enchanted river Ahtohallan acts in a similar way, connecting the old with the new in an inventive plot device that rounds out the story with revelations while at the same time effectively using nostalgia to remind fans of the moments from the first film that made the story and characters memorable.

The giant snow monster Marshmallow was created when Anna and Kristoff attempt to appeal to Elsa in her ice palace. After her sister and her friend refuse to leave, Elsa erupts in anger, summoning a giant snowman to chase them away. Marshmallow tosses them from the palace and pursues them down a cliff, telling them not to come back. Marshmallow mirrors Elsa's then-frozen emotional state and desire to be isolated from the world. The beast is not wicked but obeys Elsa's wishes to her detriment. He proves himself a gentle giant in the end with a post-credits scene that illustrates his softer side. In the river, an all-ice version of Marshmallow appears to Elsa, smiling placidly and humming to himself, signifying that she has reconciled with the dark moments of her past.

One of the first visions Elsa sees in Ahtohallan is the childhood moment when she first creates Olaf the snowman. She and Anna are children playing, and Elsa conjures the little snowman out of thin air. Elsa crouches behind Olaf, making his arms reach out to Anna, saying "I like warm hugs," a phrase he repeats later in both Frozen and Frozen 2 once Elsa gives him life. The memory is one of the last Elsa has of her and Anna's childhood together before things were complicated by her parents' fear of her powers. When Elsa recreates a sentient Olaf the Snowman during "Let It Go," it is, in a way, her inner child emerging to remind her of her connection with her sister.

A little Kristoff and his trusty reindeer friend Sven are two of the first characters seen in Frozen, crouching in the dark as the men harvest the ice. In the river, Elsa sees crystalline versions of them sliding through the snow. This is an interesting one as Elsa never met Kristoff as a child, so the memory isn't necessarily hers. Kristoff, however, saw both Anna and Elsa when they went to the trolls for counsel, an important moment in his life, as it was the moment a motherly troll took him and Sven in as her own. He alone in the kingdom of Arendelle knows of Elsa's powers, but as a commoner, he has no connection to the royal family and grows up to seemingly forget the incident. He does, however, retain his kinship with the trolls, and it turns out to be a helpful relationship when Anna is hit with Elsa's dangerous curse.

RELATED: Frozen 3 Theory: Kristoff's Parents Are Still Alive

Elsa sees a frozen vision of herself strutting by and belting out her famous solo, "Let It Go." She shudders and shields her eyes as though embarrassed. The scene in the first film was a formative one, a moment that allowed her to address all the things about herself that she had been suppressing. The culmination of this growth is arrived at in Frozen 2 when Elsa learns more about her powers and her destiny and how they were gifted to her from the spirits of the forest. It is perhaps because she has learned more about what to do with her gifts that she finds her past rebellion cringeworthy, such as when an adult looks back on old pictures of them as a teenager and shakes their head.

The scene from Frozen in which the Duke of Weselton dances awkwardly around Anna appears to Elsa as she wanders through the magical river. The hapless Duke at first provided the comic relief that allowed the sisters to share a laugh for the first time in years. He bows to them, his toupee flipping forward to reveal a bald spot, and then proceeds to take Anna to the dance floor, flopping around energetically. The Duke is a treacherous man easily incited to violence when Elsa demonstrates her powers, but he ends up being little more than a fly in the ointment once Elsa discovers the real villain that is Prince Hans and his attempts to unravel the kingdom of Arendelle. The Duke is returned to his own kingdom sans a treaty after his misdeeds.

Anna meets Hans in the first film in a typical meet-cute when she accidentally stumbles into his boat. Hans marked an important learning moment for both sisters, first for Anna when she learned how real romantic love truly develops, and second for Elsa when she learns that Anna is more important to her than all the independence in the world. Hans' treachery brings the two sisters closer together than any romantic bond, and the villain Hans is the one memory avatar that Elsa casts aside with a dismissive flick of her wrist, illustrating that he is a sad annoyance not to be given any weight. Once again, it shows Elsa has grown.

Not much is divulged about Anna and Elsa's parents in the first film, but the second allows them to learn more about the love that Iduna and Agnarr shared. In the river, Iduna appears before Elsa, talking to her husband with great sincerity, telling him that she needs to explain more things about herself to him. There seems to be a lot in common between Elsa and her mother, as they both guard difficult secrets they must eventually reveal to the ones they love.

RELATED: Frozen 2 Theory: The 4 Elemental Spirits Killed Anna & Elsa's Parents

One fun thing both Elsa and audiences got to see was the burgeoning friendship between the two ill-fated royals of Arendelle. A short scene between the phantom-like memories shows that Iduna is every bit as playful as her daughter Anna, while the young Agnarr is poised and thoughtful just like his daughter Elsa. In the memory, Iduna dangles from a tree, making Agnarr laugh. "What are you reading, your majesty?" she asks curiously. "Some new Danish author," Agnarr answers, an obvious nod to Hans Christian Andersen, who wrote The Snow Queen, the fairy tale upon which Frozen is based.

The two princesses were never told how their father escaped the conflict between the Northuldra and the Arendellians. When the memories of the forest are frozen, Anna and Elsa discover the truth together: their mother was the Northuldran who pulled their father to safety through the cursed mist. Later, Elsa sees more details, witnessing the very moment that Iduna ensures Agnarr's survival. She lifts him into a wagon and covers them both with a blanket, whisking them across the bridge before they could be trapped in the forest or lost in battle.

In the story Elsa and Anna's father tells them, their grandfather Runeard sought peace with the Northern tribe. He gives them a gift in the form of a dam that is supposedly going to strengthen their rivers. King Agnarr does not know why the battle between the two civilizations commences, only that his father was lost. In a memory in Ahtohallan, the truth is revealed to Elsa. She sees her grandfather betraying the Northuldran people, confiding his plan to one of his officers: "the dam will weaken their lands so they will have to turn to me." When the dam does indeed cause the forest to fail, a Northuldran elder pleads with Runeard to reconsider the gift, and he suggests they discuss it elsewhere. Runeard turns on the elder, killing him when his back is turned and he is unarmed, thus angering the spirits of the forest and causing a battle to ensue. Elsa witnesses his prejudice against magical forces and his ignorance about those he wishes to colonize.

Some 39 memories flash before Elsa as she enters the sacred river, some from her own mind and others from the point of view of characters like Kristoff, Anna, and Iduna. As she sings the film's standout song "Show Yourself," she is granted snatches of her own childhood, of the traumas and joys she has experienced, and the things that shaped her along the way. Like "Let It Go," the moment is one of self-acceptance and empowerment, and it is a gift to Elsa to see all the memories that belong not only to her but to the ones she loves. She sees Kristoff and Sven sailing through the ice to meet the trolls, sees Anna arriving, frozen to the bone, to Wandering Oaken's Trading Post and Sauna. In one moment as she gazes on the memories, her mother (Evan Rachel Wood), sings along with her, expressing the power that the truth of the past possesses, a significant theme threaded through the story of Frozen 2.

NEXT: Frozen 2 Broke A Very Specific Disney Animated Record

Frozen 2: Every Memory Elsa Sees In The Ahtohallan, Explained from https://ift.tt/3aaS7D3

[betweengenesisfrogs]

OFF-THE-CUFF HOMESTUCK POSTS #6: THE TRAGEDY (AND SECRET TRIUMPH) OF JADE HARLEY, OR: THE GNOSTIC GARDENER

DISCLAIMER       FRAMEWORK

[CHECK THE TAG FOR MORE THOUGHTS]

[Note: Content warning for brief mention of sexual abuse and longer discussion of perceived suicide and associated thoughts.]

Let's talk about Jade Harley.

A common feeling I've seen about the final chapters of Homestuck is that Jade Harley deserved better, that she suffered completely unfairly and arbitrarily in the final timeline.

I actually completely agree. Jade *absolutely* deserved better. Where I disagree is with the argument that Jade's suffering somehow shows Hussie is a bad writer.

I think it's important to recognize that good storytelling isn't always the same thing as happy storytelling. Some stories or parts of stories are *about* suffering. They're tragedy, a form of storytelling I'd define as an examination of a negative set of events: why they took place, why the characters involved couldn't escape them. Done well, this can be as meaningful as any happy ending.

I mean, there's a reason a bunch of Greeks wanted to watch a series of plays about a guy who accidentally marries his mother and then stabs his eyes out.

So when we're talking about good storytelling in Homestuck, i.e.: whether character arcs reach meaningful catharsis, we have to bear in mind that the bad shit that happens to our characters is sometimes the very subject of the story.

In other words, yes, Jade Harley deserved better.

That's the *entire point.*

Now, that said, I actually think Jade does have a happy ending, and a damn cathartic one. But we need to understand the unfair suffering she went through to understand why.  What I find fascinating about Jade's arc is that she confronts the tragic, suffering-causing aspects of SBURB and the domain of Lord English more directly than any other character and finds a way to become free of them. It's not that her suffering was in any way merited or right, it's that by rejecting that unfairness, she finds incredible self-affirmation, freedom, and escape in a way that makes her the most direct manifestation of Homestuck's Gnostic themes.

In the causes of her suffering, and in how that suffering is overcome, Jade Harley is the key to the deeper meanings of Homestuck.

The Absent Grandfather

As a person, Jade has suffered unfairly on more than one level. Her later tragedy echoes and recapitulates the tragedies of her childhood, which makes it all the more painful. To understand this suffering, we need to understand her relationship with her guardian, Grandpa Harley.

[A brief digression: at this point, I should probably mention a recent theory by mmmmalo that posits Grandpa Harley as a sexual predator and Jade as a victim of abuse. I feel bad even bringing it up, because mmmmalo seems like a really nice guy, and I really enjoy his work tackling Homestuck from a psychological/psychoanalytical perspective, but I just can't really buy this theory. For one, Grandpa isn't at all characterized as capable of that kind of evil. The closest we come are some dubious feelings about Grandpa from Dave that are clearly him projecting his own issues onto Jade (he's never even met her grandfather), and the odd fact that Grandpa obsessed portraits of beautiful blue women from beauty parlors--discomfiting, but ultimately kind of harmless, unless you really stretch it as a psychological metaphor. To my mind, there really isn't that much to substantiate anything worse here.

Furthermore, the Alpha kids, as ever, offer opportunities to understand the Guardians in more depth, and there's little reason to think Grandpa would be substantially different from Jake English. mmmmalo posits that in DBZ-esque fashion, Jake hitting his head turned him good, but I just don't buy it, especially when Jake's "head injury" isn't actually real--it's one of his excuses for avoiding his own failings. (See the Jane's birthday conversation for how this plays out.) For my money, Jake and Grandpa are pretty similar: nice enough people whose biggest flaw is avoiding responsibility by retreating into the landscape of their own fantasies.

Ultimately, this particular leap is too big a leap for me to take, particularly because I feel like it would need to be addressed on a textual level (like Bro's abuse was with Dirk and Dave) if it was meant to be taken as canonical fact. I feel like mmmmalo's theories are at their strongest when they focus on the psychological experiences of characters, rather than when they try to posit hidden secrets in the canon. The first just feels so much more useful and reliable for me as a method, at least. No shade to mmmmalo, though: I hope he keeps on writing his own brand of fascinating Homestuck analysis for years to come, because he's doing stuff no one else is and it always leads to exciting new approaches.]

Now, none of this is to say that Grandpa Harley never had a negative impact on Jade. Her childhood trauma actually concerns him very deeply. As we see in the scene where she imagines him dictating to her in the foyer, she's both nostalgic about her grandfather and angry with him. She's filled with conflicted feelings about him, positive and negative at once. But the harm comes across in a completely different way, a way that's deeply textually supported and fits with what we know about Jake English.

Jade thinks that her grandfather committed suicide.

At least, she does for the vast majority of her life, until Tavros explains otherwise.

At a whimsical tea party with a plush doll, Grandpa seemingly, from Jade's perspective, took his own life. Here's Jade telling the story: GG: i spent years wondering about it! GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!!! GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!!!

Understatement of the century. This moment shaped Jade's entire psychology. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often report wrestling with a mixture of grief and anger: anger that they were left to pick up the aftermath. For Jade, this was a moment of abandonment. Her guardian, who should have been there to take care of her, took his life and left her alone on a deserted island with only her (admittedly magic) dog to help her survive. For years, she had to take care of herself, to serve as her own guardian in his absence. Grandpa should have been there, but he wasn't. The culmination of the "increasing stakes" of the Beta kids' guardians is that Jade's guardian is dead and gone.

The scene of Jade squaring off against her stuffed Grandpa in the foyer is thus, like many elements of Hussie's writing, played for both comedy and horror at once, a true Hussnasty grotesque.  For some time, Hussie builds up the mystery of Jade's guardian (using, I think, Dave’s remarks and Grandpa’s weirdness to build a sense of unease), only to shock the reader with an ugly revelation that carries echoes of horror-movie jump-scares.  The man in the foyer is no man, but a symbol of death, a skeleton, a mummy, a rotting corpse in the place where a protector should be.

Grandpa's fatal flaw is absence itself.

[This is maybe the psychological motif mmmmmalo's picking up on? I feel like you could very easily read Jade’s feelings of horror and disgust as an echo of this suicide, and thus see Lord English as a mythic echo of Grandpa's absence as much as his presence. That’s my take, anyway.]

Hence Jade's anger in the foyer. He has left her alone, forced her to take up the responsibilities he failed to uphold. She pretends he's alive and imagines him chiding her for not being prepared to face the wilds alone--a situation she knows he put her in. Hence her snapping back at the corpse that she's already perfectly prepared, thank you very much. The scene mixes nostalgia, grief and anger in the saddest way.

This fits with the way Grandpa is themed around DEATH. Not only is he a mounted corpse, his collections of knights, mummies, big game, and degraded beauty shop photos evoke history and the dead, echoing his undead presence in Jade's life. (They also suggest he carries memories of Jake's friends: an orange knight, a pink girl from a land of pyramids, and a blue beauty, furthering the connections between Grandpa and Jake.)

But Grandpa, like Jake, is also themed around FANTASY. Or ESCAPISM, perhaps. Grandpa lives the life of a millionaire explorer-physicist, the boy howdy rough-and-tumble existence that never existed out of Boys' Adventure Comics and Teddy Roosevelt. His trophies and relics suggest a life of constant fantasizing, a retreat into his own self-image to avoid facing the world. After all, if you move to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, you never have to interact with anyone else. This is astoundingly consistent with what we know of Jake's flaws: he constructs narratives to hide from responsibility and his own mistakes, from ignoring Jane's anger to ignoring the unaddressed issues in his relationship with Dirk to ignoring Jane's romantic interest in him the moment he finds a convenient excuse to do what he wanted to do anyway. Grandpa seems to be cast in very much the same mode, and his whimsical relics further the theme.  

For Jade, though, Grandpa's ESCAPISM has also been harmful. Because Grandpa left her what must have seemed the ultimate moment of escapism: a tea party with a stuffed blue doll. Think of what Jade must have thought later: that Grandpa went out lost in daydreaming about a beautiful blue girl. That maybe he planned that as a way to end it all. Her anger is fueled in part by the fact that he ran away from the responsibility of raising her, into his fantasy world instead.

Of course, as readers we know that's not true: Tavros was the one who, through Bec, shot the gun. But there's a grain of truth in Jade's perception of the situation: while not suicidal, Grandpa was being irresponsible. Lost in his silly tea party, he missed the fact that his granddaughter was about to shoot herself with a flintlock pistol. She was saved by Tavros's redirection, while he paid the ultimate price for his distraction.

So Grandpa's flaw, like Jake's, is one of absence and escapist irresponsibility, death and fantasy. Grandpa really did harm her by his absence. And in his absence, all he left her with was necessity.

Jade takes care of herself, because what else can she do? She feeds the dog. She does what she needs to do to survive. She goes about her day. She defines herself in opposition to her grandfather: if he was irresponsible, she will be responsible. She will do what's necessary, no matter what it takes.

And she represses the fuck out of her grief.

This is way buried for most of the time we know Jade, but it comes to the surface when we meet Jadesprite. See, in addition to having a reminder of her Grandfather's mortality, Jade has spent her life face to face with her own. Her dreamself, which represents the one place in her life where she let herself go along with fantasy and escapism, is already a stuffed corpse. Consciously or subconsciously, she knows that happy escapist world will also die. When she prototypes that body, though, she's acting out of responsibility and necessity as part of an effort to defeat the threat of Jack Noir. She expects that a version of herself will share that desire.

But Jadesprite presents what is to her the most nightmarish possibility: that she might prefer living in the fantasy to responsibility. She tries to comfort her alt-self at first, but quickly becomes disgusted that a version of herself could feel that way. But it's not surprising: Dream Jade was the only version of herself who could let herself lay down responsibility and necessity and admit to herself the extent of her fear. Unfortunately, this isn't the way Jade would like herself to be. Jadesprite is exactly what she represses. There's a seeming moment of catharsis when Jade and Jadesprite become one, but, as I've noted before, Hussie ultimately suggests that spritefusion isn't enough to fix what Jade struggles with.

None of this is Jade's fault. It's the way she's been shaped by the outside force of her grandfather's death. Her grandfather was flawed, she lives with the consequences, picking up the pieces of the loss, doing things out of necessity.

SBURB recapitulates that tragedy, forcing Jade to reckon with her trauma and her perception of her own relation to it.

The SBURBan Tragedy

Is SBURB evil? I used to see it that way. These days I'm not so sure. Conversations with revolutionaryduelist have shown me that, despite its dangerous side, SBURB is usually presented in a neutral light in canon, more amoral than deliberately cruel. It's a Game that can be put to different purposes. RD argues that SBURB is ultimately little more than an extension of its players' wills, and I find a lot of reasons to agree.

As I've argued before (particularly in my Self Pile Essay, though my feelings have evolved since), I strongly feel that the ending of Homestuck relies on a critique of SBURB, that it depicts the Game as inherently tragic. You wouldn't think this would jive with RD's notion of "do what you will," but I actually think these two perspectives can be easily reconciled. A Game that's an extension of everyone's wills can still have a tragic effect on its players, especially on those who don't realize their own power within the system. I'm sure we can all think of times when the wills of others were an oppressive force in our lives. Our critique of SBURB, then, is really a critique of the uses to which the Game has been put, by overpowering wills like that of Caliborn/Lord English, who makes the alpha timeline bend to him without realizing how much it echoes his own limitations.

Like Grandpa Harley, Lord English (the unseen conductor whose riddle is absence itself) forces others to reckon with the implications of his choices. The complex web of time loops and paradoxes LE leaves in his wake forces our heroes to act out of necessity and to take responsibility for their escape.

So while I might talk about SBURB in negative terms here, understand I'm talking about the mess of all the loops, all the implications of the many harmful wills and choices our kids have to deal with. Jade in some ways most of all.

Initially, Jade experiences SBURB as a positive force in her life. It allows her freedom and happiness; companionship among the people of Prospit while in her most optimistic, worry-free mindset. She participates in its necessities, its enforced time loops, not out of obligation but in connection to her dreaming happiness.

As the kids' game goes on, though, Jade loses Prospit and her dreamself, and loses, too, the easy release from herself that they represent. Like all the kids, she becomes aware of the threat of Jack Noir, and directs her responsible mind towards the necessity of dealing with him--leading of course, to her clash with Jadesprite. Later, this focus shifts to take in the true cause of everything that went wrong in their session: the unseen guiding hand of Lord English.

We all know what happens to Jade because of this. In the original timeline, all our kids' efforts fail, and all of them die in the events of Game Over, Jade first and most surprisingly. John retcons the timeline using his retcon powers, and achieves victory by changing the course of events. However, it's a victory that causes Jade to suffer deeply: in the final timeline, she loses and grieves John and Davesprite, her closest friends on the Battleship voyage, and for a time wonders if she was responsible for their horrifying, baffling death. Later, she learns from a mysterious sentinel (Alt-Calliope) that it was all part of a larger plan. This is a relief to her, but as much as she'd like it to, it doesn't erase her grief.

This is brutally, totally unfair. And that's the point.

I've seen folks point out that the retcon could have gone many other ways: for instance, merging the populations of the meteor and the battleship. That's true, but it misses the point a little, I think. The Retcon is an arbitrary solution to a large problem in Paradox Space, acting out of necessity to bring Caliborn's will to a close. Remember that John didn't choose how his retcon would go: he worked it out with the Game itself through his Denizen. Not only did the Game bring forth the very tools to end Caliborn and close his time loop, finishing what his will started, it also worked out the logistics of the timeline that would get them there. And that's the tragedy.

John had only the vaguest idea how his actions would affect Jade, knowing only that either he would die or people would grieve him. By working with his Denizen, he mastered his powers and managed to create a reality where everyone could escape the will of Lord English. But it created an awful situation for Jade, and indeed, he's horrified when he finds out that was the result.

For me, the victory our kids experience over Lord English and his will as manifest in SBURB isn't presented as an unambiguous one. Rather, it's triumph mixed with shades of tragedy. John's reformulation of reality has consequences. The loss of our kids' coherency of self (see the Self Pile) is one of them--I do think it's meant to be at least a little disconcerting that it's new versions of our beloved characters who get the victory.  And it's Jade who represents that tragic element the most, because she suffers the brunt of it. The fact that Jade suffers because of the Retcon tells us that for all the positivity of the final scenes of Homestuck, there's still a dark side to the system of SBURB.

Because there was never any point at which any of this took place outside the system of SBURB. It gave Caliborn what he wanted, and then took it back again, not because it had any intentions towards him, but because his will was self-defeating and self-limited. And through the Denizens, it gave our kids the escape they wanted: but they still had to deal with the necessity of responding to Caliborn's intentions, and perhaps SBURB'S own limitations, too. It could give them an escape, but not without certain consequences.

It's no coincidence that Denizens make a resurgence near the end of Homestuck. They are the Game's way of engaging in dialogue with its players, and they preside over every aspect of everyone's ending. Yaldabaoth gives Caliborn his deal, while Echidna signs off on the birth of the Genesis Frog once she's had a chance to inspect its guardians. Echidna is also the one who guides Alt-Calliope towards ending Caliborn's reign. And Typheus lets John become a retcon master so that he can win his friends their complicated victory.

Thinking about this has helped me make sense of a scene that initially baffled me. Near the end of Collide, the story turns absurdly positive: our kids win victory after victory over every opponent they were facing. And then, suddenly, disconcertingly, the scene begins to fade out and flash with static, while strange cries are heard. Then it freezes, and the mechanical contrivance that Hussie once used to represent Homestuck's Acts and narrative is all we can see, frozen in black and white.

Those strange sounds are the sounds that played in scenes with Denizens. And not just any Denizen: the specific whale-song we hear is the voice of Typheus, the Denizen who helped John negotiate his retcon and who, through blowing up a duplicate John and Davesprite on LOWAS, is the most directly responsible for Jade's suffering.

The message of the end of Collide, then, brought spectacularly home by this juxtaposition of victory poses and sudden distance, is that the victory achieved, while real, was negotiated by the systems of SBURB and Skaia every step of the way. This, too, is the message of the Spirograph that suddenly appears at the end of Act 7: our kids have left the Game for good, but the Game goes on without them, and always will.

Jade's experiences show what the costs of that might be.

The Gnostic Triumph of Jade Harley, Witch of Space

And yet.

And yet.

Jade also achieves victory. An even more powerful victory, in fact. In a deeply Gnostic moment, she confronts the arbitrary suffering of SBURB in a way none of the other kids ever do. She directly confronts the Game, and the cruel intentions unleashed through it by Lord English, by moving beyond them altogether and claiming her own agency.

It's Davepeta who helps her see it.

Once, Jade thought she was responsible for her friends' deaths. Later she learned from Alt-Calliope it happened as part of SBURB's cosmic plan. She was able to take some comfort in that: but it didn't keep her from her grief. When she meets Alt-Calliope again, Jade continues to try to make sense of her experiences through the lens of necessity, through the lens of a responsibility she has to fulfil.

Let's look closely at the difference between what Calliope says about the Space role, and how Jade interprets it for herself.

CALLIOPE: why the hurry? CALLIOPE: you have already proven your heroism in the moments when it was needed most. CALLIOPE: it is important to know when the greatest good is best served by remaining dormant. CALLIOPE: whether that burden is for close to eternity, or only a few more minutes. CALLIOPE: it is something to learn as a space player. CALLIOPE: space falls back. it yields. hosts the play silently. CALLIOPE: then, it roars to life when its time comes, showing all who is really the master. CALLIOPE: and so too when the time comes, it collapses in on itself, taking all else with it.

Calliope argues that Space is about patience, that patience itself is heroic. But Jade interprets this to mean that loneliness and suffering are a cross she must bear. As she says shortly afterward:

JADE: as a space player... someone who "falls back" as she said JADE: maybe being pushed aside by fate, and like JADE: being deprived of important people and experiences JADE: no matter how painful it is, or how much you feel like you need them JADE: i guess thats just how it goes for us JADE: i think i never appreciated how much of a burden your aspect was to you JADE: but i think im starting to get it now JADE: it just took a long time to figure out what mine really meant

But that's not what Calliope is saying. Alt-Calliope is talking about Space, to be sure, but she's talking about it in terms of her own role. Alt-Calliope is a very different person from Jade, one who is entirely comfortable with placing her identity and agency in the hands of necessity, with sacrificing everything for necessity. But what works for Alt-Calliope won't work for Jade. Jade needs friendships, needs her own life and happiness outside the Game in a way Alt-Calliope does not. (And a Muse of Space is a very different creature than a Witch of Space, a much more active and self-oriented role.)

And Calliope knows this, too. While she teaches Jade about her own understanding of Space, she doesn't ask that Jade follow her into the Green Sun, nor does she ask that Jade construct her life in the same exact terms. Again, it's Jade, not Calliope, who tries to suggest that losing all her friends is her Space-y burden to bear. Calliope, however, reminds Jade that they're very different creatures, and need different things:

CALLIOPE: you are still quite young, and your kind is soft. CALLIOPE: the ability to absolutely dominate is better housed in a being designed for seclusion, singularity of purpose, and remorseless resolve. CALLIOPE: it is too much for one like you.

(And here the domination Calliope's talking about isn't just Lord English's, but her own Muse of Space response to that domination, the reshaping of Paradox Space by falling back and then roaring to life.)

Calliope suggests that Jade might choose to go along with the sleep that keeps her from being a danger in the final fight, but she doesn't require it. Instead, she says:

CALLIOPE: if you must have advice, i will give you some similar to that i gave your other space-playing friend. CALLIOPE: i told her to live, where before she had not. CALLIOPE: so too, you are similarly imprisoned by various inertias. CALLIOPE: these weigh on you. CALLIOPE: you are a child, belonging to a race for which that distinction is understood to correspond with experiences of "enjoyment." CALLIOPE: perhaps you should try to have, CALLIOPE: "fun."

Calliope doesn't need what Jade needs. But she knows Jade is more than a means to an end. Jade needs fun, she needs friendship, and she needs happiness. Even though Calliope sees advantage in Jade remaining asleep, she goes out of her way to tell her about the alternate possibilities that might free her from imprisoning inertias.

This leaves Jade somewhat confused. She wants to make sense of her life in terms of the mandates and loops of SBURB/Lord English, fulfilling every necessity. But Calliope rejects that notion for Jade and emphasizes the difference between their species.

So when Davepeta comes along, Jade is wrestling with the strangeness of the Calliope encounter.

JADE: calliope said i was too strong or something JADE: but she also said i should have "fun" so JADE: i dunno JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment

She's trying to make sense of Calliope's offer while still trying to see herself in terms of necessity. Davepeta, though, rejects that completely. When Jade tells them her statement above, trying to describe herself in terms of someone who "has to" be pushed around by the rules of Space, Davepeta responds extremely skeptically:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so THATS what space means? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bein lonely??

Note the incredulous extra question mark. Jade continues to try to describe herself as someone who has to follow the mandates of others and systems outside her control. And yet as she talks about it, she reveals how dissatisfied she is with that notion of herself:

JADE: but i think that can be one of the results of gaining a deeper understanding of it JADE: or becoming connected to it more... JADE: i dunno, this stuff is all pretty mysterious :p JADE: i dont have it all figured out yet obviously JADE: i just feel pretty sad that as i get closer to understanding my abilities and true nature JADE: it apparently means being deprived of some important experiences JADE: like i get closer to my aspect, but further away from everyone i love, and further from... JADE: feeling like a person? JADE: its just a really empty feeling after a while JADE: empty like... JADE: space i guess JADE: heh

I don't think we're to take this as an absolute statement. While there's truth in Calliope's depiction of space as receptive and patient. I think we're to take these lines as Jade wrestling with her own feelings about the way she should be. Davepeta doesn't argue that Jade should accept this description of herself. Instead, Davepeta opens up a startling alternate possibility: that Jade is more than necessity, bigger than her circumstances, larger than her suffering. If Jade's suffering is an echo of the arbitrary unfairness of the way SBURB divides up our protagonists' selves to bring Lord English to an end, then Davepeta suggests that the key to escaping suffering is to see the self beyond those individual identities:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you werent actually deprived of important experiences DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < stuff like us dating and johns stupid birthday parties and playing shitty ghostbuster mmos DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that stuff all happened to you, its just you dont have access to the memories DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < they didnt happen to shape this particular version of yourself DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but they all played a role in helping like "greater jade" grow if that makes sense DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best! DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in a regular body s33ing all that would be too overwhelming DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in an advanced sprite form like mine tho its fine DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i guess the same spritey magic that makes it possible to suddenly understand so much is also what makes it possible to make it bearable all at once DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not even just bearable actually sorta liberating and cool DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and after it sinks in for a while you start coming to this understanding of a greater self

AVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im not COMPLETELY sure because im not like some sort of ASPECT MASTER but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my avian slash feline intuition tells me that all roads will lead you here eventually DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < gaining the d33pest possible understanding of any aspect will bring you to the same final conclusion about your ultimate self DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so maybe thats starting to happen for you too DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the space aspect sounds like a hard and lonely road to travel... i think they probably all are DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but youre gettin there jade DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you are doing great and im so proud of you!

Once again, this isn't Davepeta saying that Jade needs to be happy about what's happened to her--they acknowledge that living in SBURB is painful, a hard and lonely road for anyone of any aspect. But seeing oneself as this "ultimate self" allows one to see a bigger picture, to find meaning in one's actions even when buffeted by what seems to be the cruelty of fate. In a Game whose tragedy is that divides people up into different manifestations of themselves, each going to an arbitrary fate, that's the way to find victory, to find happiness beyond each tragedy. That's the balance that Homestuck's ending is deeply concerned with, and Jade Harley represents it all: both the suffering and the remedy.

Davepeta's proud of her for coming this far. I'm proud of her, too.

But does this understanding work for Jade? Does it free her from the way she saw herself as an instrument of fate, a tool of necessity? I think it does. Because after talking with Davepeta, Jade starts to live her life differently.

We see this clearly in Collide and the events leading up to Collide. Jade was ready to accept that she had to stay asleep merely because it was what others expected of her. But Davepeta convinces her that she should wake up if she wants to wake up:

JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nah thats dumb DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you should be able to do whatever you want JADE: really? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < well at least she was right about the having fun part DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe thats what she meant?? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe she was leaving it up to you in a mysterious way JADE: leaving what up to me? JADE: the decision to wake up?

Davepeta's message to Jade, informed by their deep understanding of life beyond one lifetime, is that Jade can do things for herself, rather than do them as a reaction to necessity. And the secret is that that choice makes all the difference.

Jade does choose to wake up, and after waking up, rejects any idea that she should go back to following necessity, or other people’s commands:

DAVE: jade DAVE: god dammit DAVE: GO BACK TO SLEEP! JADE: NO WAY!!!!! :P

JADE: i am very much awake! JADE: and i intend to stay that way :)

Jade chooses to take Calliope up on her offer: she chooses to go have fun. For the first time, she pursues her goals completely and utterly for her own reasons. She chooses to take on the mission of dealing with the Omnidogs Bec Noir and PM...pretty much because she wants to. And she does it in her own way: she doesn't get in a fight, but plays with her dogs, recreating the fun times in her life with Bec by warping around and dancing around in the sky with them.

While she ends up getting punched out by PM, it's mostly comic: she isn't hurt or upset--she had a fun time, and did what she wanted to do. She's asserting her own agency, not responding to the will of anyone else, be it Lord English, Dave, John, or any of the other players. She takes on SBURB's boss mechanics in her own terms and enjoys herself doing it. And what she's able to achieve by this is *reshaping the rules of the Game.* Because of her, PM beats Bec Noir. For the first time in the known history of SBURB, White beats Black, Prospit beats Derse, entirely thanks to her presence. This change is subtle but huge. It represents what Jade's doing on a cosmic level: she's creating the Game, creating her reality, for herself, not responding to anyone else's intention, but putting forth her own to shape the world.

The Gnostics of ancient times said that the material world we lived in was merely an illusion created by the tyrant Yaldabaoth, and that all we needed to do to escape his tyranny was to look within ourselves. Because we were made of the same stuff as the True God, filled with the same wisdom as Sophia, and if we could truly know ourselves, could know exactly who we were, we could walk back through the gates into the Garden of Eden, knowing that we were God, part of a true divine reality bigger than anything Yaldabaoth could understand.

So, too, does Jade Harley, GardenGnostic, in that moment, know that she is bigger than anything that once defined her. Not her grandfather's death and failings, not her role as a link in the prophecies of Skaia, not Jack Noir, and not the limitations of a single Jade in a tragic timeline. None of those things define her. She is greater still, the JADE beyond Jades, and she has just as much power to make SBURB, to make all of Paradox Space what she wants it to be as any would-be tyrant. She stares Lord English in the eye, and knows she is as great within this contest of wills as he is. They all are.

And that makes Jade a little bit different from her fellow gods: she knows in full what the rest of them are only beginning to understand.

When we next see Jade after Act 7, in the Credits sequence, we see her growing plants again after a long time away from her garden, returning to her own personal Eden, and we see her spending time with John, Dave, and Karkat--all the people that she loves.

Knowing who she is, she has escaped all the inertias that once bound her, and is turning reality into what she wants it to be.

In the world of SBURB, that's the way to find a happy ending.

[Next time: Maybe I’ll do that reception of the ending thing I promised last time? Or maybe not? Maybe I’ll be too busy playing Hiveswap? Maybe life is full of infinite delicious possibilities, and we’re all riding this magic train out to the Pleroma together? Who knows, man. Who knows.]

[scenes-in-between]

Requiem

CSM

There is, he supposes, a certain poetic justice to it. At the very least, a measure of dramatic irony in the fact that he is dying for real this time, and the only man who could probably save him is one whose death he arranged mere weeks ago.

Then again, it's not as though Cobra would have deigned to lift a finger to help him, not after everything. No, the end result would have been the same, regardless of whether Cobra still lived.

Still, it is inconvenient. The fix should theoretically be a simple one, only there is no one left who might be capable of pinpointing the precise nature of his chip's malfunction. In two weeks, he's gone so rapidly downhill, systems failing one after another, that if he bothered to look in a mirror, he would be hard pressed to recognize himself. If an answer cannot be divined in the very near term, he won't make it through the month.

It is the very best sort of surprise, then, when he learns of the crash in Oregon. New technology, undoubtedly more recent than what they’ve already obtained, could very well hold the answers to a cure. Or if not that, to a temporary reprieve, one that could buy him more time. He needs to get whatever’s on that ship. There is only one small problem.

The group’s more or less disbanded, his recent decline precipitating the final unraveling of the project. Despite all his ego, he never would have actually believed himself to be the glue holding the whole thing together. And yet…

So no, he does not have the resources he once commanded. But there are still a handful of players, if he’s desperate enough to call them up off the bench. And he may well be desperate enough.

“Greta--” His voice is a half-wheeze, half-croak. “I need… for you to get Marita… Covarubias on the phone for me.”

***

Mulder

“There is so much more you need to do with your life. There’s so much more than this. There has to be an end, Scully.”

It’s all too much.

He didn’t expect it to hit him this hard, coming back to Oregon where everything began for them. He certainly didn’t anticipate the bizarre combination of nostalgia and regret that’s been whirling in his chest ever since they got here. Despite everything that’s happened to them in the last seven years, all of the trauma they’ve both endured in their pursuit of the truth, so little has actually changed. It’s like running a marathon on a treadmill -- at the end of it, you’re still in the exact same place you started.

If they’ve been running in place this whole time, is there even a point to any of it?

Worst of all is that he’s held Scully in stasis with him. It would be one thing if he were the only one with nothing to show for all those years spent tilting at windmills, but she didn’t ask for this. She may have chosen to stay with him, but that's not the same thing.

It's impossible to ignore how much has changed for Billy Miles and Teresa Nemman (now Hoese). They've grown up. In some ways, they've grown up even more than he and Scully have. Would Scully be married, perhaps also a mother, his life hadn't derailed hers so thoroughly?

She shivers again, and he reflexively tightens his arm around her, pressing his lips against her temple. If nothing else, this trip has certainly been a wake-up call; he’s been selfish, in a lot of ways, about a lot of things. Not just about the work, but with all of the avoidance around his health and the secrets he’s kept from her. He’s been so damned afraid of admitting the truth to her, to himself, but at what cost? If, god forbid, nothing works and this brain thing takes him out, what sort of fucked-up career and life trajectory will he have left her on?

No, when they get back to Washington, he is going to have to come clean about everything, all of it. And if by some miracle she forgives him, they will have to make some hard decisions about where they go from here.

“Let’s not decide anything right now,” she whispers, and for one heart-stopping moment he wonders if he’s been accidentally thinking out loud. But no, she’s only responding to the last thing he said. “Maybe we’ll find something here that will… that will convince the FBI of the value of our work. Convince them to let us keep going. Maybe this doesn’t have to be an end but a new beginning.”

Our work. She said “our work,” not “your work.”

But it’s not just about the monetary expense or even the validity of the work. Not anymore. It’s taken him way too long to realize it, but he knows he’s right. Still, the last thing he wants to do is upset her when she’s already feeling sick.

“You should get some rest. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

***

Skinner

He stares after the lights, still struggling to believe what he just saw. It can’t be…

“Mulder!” he tries again, somehow knowing it is futile.

This is bad. This is so much worse than he thought was possible. In spite of all Mulder’s worries, of Scully’s as well, he never imagined there was any real danger of losing anyone. They were supposed to come out here and find the thing, that was all. No one was supposed to disappear. Mulder wasn’t supposed to…

His brain finally catches up to the situation, and he pulls his phone from his pocket, punching the speed dial and trying to keep calm.

“Who the hell is this, and how did you get this number?”

“Frohike, it’s Walter Skinner. Agent Mulder gave me your number in case… Listen, I need your help. Something’s happened, I… I don’t know how to explain--”

“Hold on, what are you saying? Is Mulder all right?”

“He’s gone,” Skinner spits out, forcing himself to breathe through the dread and sudden nausea. “He was right here, and then… and then he wasn’t. And then I saw something, some sort of craft, materialize out of thin air before it… before it flew away.”

There is a gap of silence over the line that’s long enough for Skinner to wonder if the call’s been disconnected. He’s about to pull the phone away from his ear to check when Frohike speaks again.

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Why in the hell would I joke about this?! Mulder’s gone, and by all appearances, he’s on some sort of alien ship, and we need to track it now so I can find him! I need you guys to get updated imagery so you can tell me which direction to go.”

“Well that’s going to be a little difficult at the moment.” Frohike’s voice is suddenly tight and quiet. “Scully’s had a… she’s had some sort of episode. We’re at the hospital right now.”

Skinner’s stomach drops out through his feet. No. Not both of them at once.

“What happened, is she okay?”

“I don’t know, man. She just got woozy and passed out. She asked us to take her to the hospital, just to be on the safe side. I don’t know any more than that. She’s in with the doctor now.”

His eyes are drawn upward, to the point in the sky where he last saw the lights. (The craft.) With every passing moment, Mulder is getting farther away, and even if the Gunmen could gain access to new satellite imagery, the damned ship was hard enough to find the first time around, when it was sitting still. Now that it’s a moving target… It was stupid to think he had any hope of being able to follow it. They’re going to have to regroup and come up with a different plan.

“All right. Let me know if anything changes.”

“But what about--?”

“Just make sure she’s okay.”

***

Frohike

“What was that about?”

Byers and Langly pin him with matching, worried expressions as soon as he puts the phone away and turns back around. He lets out a slow breath and shakes his head.

“It’s bad, guys.” He comes closer, dropping his voice to a whisper. “That was AD Skinner on the phone.”

“Has something happened to Mulder?” Byers asks.

Frohike shushes him. “Keep your voice down, man.” They’re standing in the hallway outside the room where Scully’s being evaluated. There is no way he wants her to just overhear this; she’ll need to be told gently.

He swallows. “Skinner says Mulder was taken.”

“You don’t mean…” Langly’s eyes are wide, and Frohike nods.

“Apparently they found what they were looking for. Only when they did, it took Mulder and flew away.”

“Holy shit--”

“Oh my God--”

“Shh!” Frohike’s eyes dart toward the closed door. He motions for them to follow him a bit down the hallway, still within sight of the room but out of earshot. “Look, I don’t know how in the hell we are gonna tell her, but we need to be able to say we’re doing everything we can to find him.”

“I’ll get on the phone to my contact at JPL, see if he can help get us something more to go on,” Langly offers.

“You two should both go, get back to the office,” Byers says. “Pull imagery down off every satellite you can access. If Assistant Director Skinner saw the ship fly away, there’s a good chance it won’t be invisible to satellites anymore, either.”

Frohike wants to argue. He wants to be the one to stay, to break the news to Scully, holding her hand and promising her he will move heaven and Earth to bring Mulder back. But if he truly means that, then he also knows that he can’t stay; Byers is great at a lot of things, but when it comes to hacking, Frohike and Langly are the true kung fu masters.

“You’re right,” he says, resigned but also determined. They are going to find him. “I’ll call you as soon as we know anything.”

Byers nods. “Okay. I’ll do the same. Good luck.”

***

Scully

The world seems to tilt sideways for a moment, and she struggles to wrap her brain around what she's just been told.

“No, that's… that's not possible. There has to be some mistake. That can't be right.”

A lab error. A contamination, or a miscalibration maybe. Or someone else's sample was mislabeled. There has got to be some other explanation for these results. It’s just not possible that she’s actually…

“I had them run the test three times. There’s no mistake.” Doctor Baker is smiling; she knows just as well as Scully does how impossible this should be. “We’ll do a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm, but your HcG levels suggest you’re between three and five weeks along.”

“Oh my God…” She’s been bracing herself for news of a cancer recurrence, trying to prepare for the worst. She can’t even begin to know how to process this.

Mulder.

She should wait until after the ultrasound, after they know for sure -- it still could just be some sort of strange hormonal anomaly -- but in this moment she is nearly overwhelmed by the sudden desire to call him.

“I know it’s a lot to process, but we’ll just take it one step at a time. Okay, Dana?” Doctor Baker makes a note in her chart and hangs it back on the end of her bed. “I’m going to let the ultrasound tech know we’re ready for her, and I’ll be back in a few minutes. All right?”

Scully nods. “Would you, um, would you mind handing me my cell phone?”

As soon as the doctor leaves, she takes a shaky breath and hits the speed-dial number for Mulder’s phone. She still has no idea what she’s going to tell him, or what he’s going to make of all this. Even as she has to blink away tears, she can’t seem to stop smiling.

“The cellular customer you are trying to reach is not available. Please hang up, and try again later.”

“Damn.” He and Skinner must be in the woods already and out of range. It won’t even let her leave a voicemail. She tries to tell herself it’s for the best, that now she’ll be able to get more information before she talks to him, but disappointment is heavy in her stomach.

There’s a soft knock on the door, and she looks up, expecting to see Doctor Baker. She blinks in surprise when it’s Byers’s face peeking into the room instead, and she quickly wipes her eyes.

“Agent Scully? The doctor said I could come in and talk to you, as long as it’s okay with you.”

She nods, not quite trusting herself to speak yet, and he comes all the way into the room, closing the door behind himself. He’s looking at her with such apprehension, undoubtedly mistaking her watery eyes for bad news, and she tries to reassure him with a smile. It really was nice of the guys to stay and wait for her, but there’s a good chance she’s going to be here for at least another day of observation and bed rest. There’s no reason they have to stay, too. Besides, by this time tomorrow, Mulder and Skinner should be back, so she’ll be able to get a ride home with Mulder.

They are going to have so much to talk about. If he and Skinner really do find something in those woods, that may change his mind about wanting to quit, to transition away from the X-Files and figure out what they want to do instead. Initially, she balked at the idea of walking away from their work, but now she doesn’t know what to think. Doctor Baker’s news has changed everything. Maybe this is finally a chance for them to live a normal life…

Realizing Byers is still just standing there looking uncomfortable, she swallows. “Everything’s fine,” she tells him, glad that her voice only sounds a little rough. “The, uh, the doctor said the cancer hasn’t come back or anything. She’s going to run some more tests to try and figure out why I kept feeling faint, but so far it looks like there’s nothing to worry about.”

He nods, stiffly, and something immediately flips in her stomach. Why doesn’t he look relieved?

“I’m glad to hear that,” he says. He doesn’t look glad. He looks like he would rather be anywhere else in this moment.

“Byers? Is something wrong?”

Glancing back toward the door, he pulls a chair up beside her bed. “Do you mind if I sit down?”

Even as she shakes her head, the ECG gives away the panic that has started to take hold of her. Something is definitely wrong. Something has happened to Mulder. Oh God, oh God, oh God…

“We, ah, we just received a call from Assistant Director Skinner.”

She remembers in a rush the realization that lead to the fainting spell that brought her here. Mulder thought it was me that was in danger of being taken, but he had it all wrong.

“Oh my God. They took him, didn’t they? They took Mul--” She chokes on his name, swallowing back a sob.

“Agent Scully, listen to me. We will find him. Langly and Frohike are already on their way to get updated satellite imagery, so we can tell Skinner where to start looking.” He looks like he’s trying not to cry, too. “You have my word. We are going to do everything we can to help bring him home.”

This is not happening. Please, God, no, not this. Not now. Not Mulder.

“I… um… I can’t…” She brings a hand to her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut, trying desperately to breathe slowly through her nose and keep from breaking down completely.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you before we knew more, but I thought…”

Another knock on the door interrupts him and signals the return of Doctor Baker. Scully opens her eyes to see Byers looking at her, his face ashen and eyes wide. Out of instinct, she reaches toward his hand, whether to reassure him or herself, she’s not sure. She squeezes, probably a little too hard, and he gives her hand a startled squeeze back.

“You did the right thing,” she chokes out. “I’m counting on you guys. Find him.”

Doctor Baker holds the door open while a young woman in scrubs pushes a cart full of ultrasound equipment into the room. “Hi, Dana, we’re back. This is Margaret. She’s going to be… Dana? Is everything all right?”

Scully hastily pulls her hand back and wipes her eyes again, forcing herself to pull it together. She barely hears the quiet gasp from beside her, and when she looks back over at Byers, it’s clear he recognizes what’s on the cart. Ultrasonography has many diagnostic purposes, of course, but by the look on his face, he is drawing the correct conclusion as to why it’s being used here. She catches his gaze and shakes her head fractionally, mentally pleading with him not to say anything. Swallowing hard, he gives the barest nod in return, then quickly stands.

“I’ll, ah, I’ll just be outside. I’ll let you know if there’s any news.”

“Thank you, Byers,” she says quietly, before turning to Doctor Baker and forcing a smile.