#is it even depression because I'm not sad

[allastoredeer]

Controversial opinion but I think Lucifer gets babied too much by the fandom. Like I get that he has mental health issues but seeing all this fanmedia of women and men of color nannying this white-adjacent man who has been shown to be an incompetent and absent husband, father and leader. Just. Grinds my gears.

Not saying I hate Lucifer but... when people frame past radiostatic with current radioapple as a huge upgrade, it reeks of a woman leaving her abusive ex for a neglectful husband. While I'm glad Lucifer is a step up from Adam, I need to see actual improvements if I don't want to get the ick.

Agreed.

I massively agree.

Lucifer gets babied a lot. And like you said, yes, he has mental health issues and that's valid, but a lot of the time, it feels like his mental health issues become a scapegoat for his flaws and bad behavior.

Depression is a legit reason for Lucifer to struggle to maintain relationships and reach out to those he cares about. As someone who has suffered from depression, I understand pulling away from people, feeling like you need a reason to reach out to someone, having a negative opinion of oneself, getting overwhelmed with anxiety, even ignoring other people's attempts at reaching out to me because it's just...too hard and it's too much and you're stuck in this cycle that you can't break out of.

HOWEVER

Lucifer's depression doesn't take away from the fact that he's neglected Charlie as a parent. It doesn't negate the fact that he has acted condescendingly towards her and her ambitions. It doesn't counteract the fact that Charlie felt uncomfortable and awkward for a majority of their interactions in "Dad Beat Dad."

I sympathize with Lucifer having depression, but unfortunately, mental illness doesn't just effect you, it also effects the people around you, and i can't fault Charlie for her feelings too.

Because at the end of the day, Lucifer is Charlie's father.

Charlie is his child.

And as a parent, he has responsibilities. Ones that he failed to meet, which would have an effect on Charlie as children are meant to rely on their parents.

It's very telling that Charlie calls Lilith (who's been MIA for 7 years) more than she calls Lucifer (who's probably just a few Circles away). And no, I don't think this is because Lilith kept them separated and all that bullshit. I think Lucifer 100% had a hand in his and Charlie's estranged relationship and I hate it when he's passed off as nothing but a victim in all of it.

I hate it when he's boiled down to sad depressed man who's done nothing wrong. He has done plenty wrong.

And that's okay.

Because that's what makes his character good. He is multi-faceted. He is flawed. You can be depressed and still treat the people around you bad. I don't think Lucifer ever meant to be an absent parent, he obviously loves Charlie with all his heart, but that doesn't mean Charlie wasn't affected by his actions.

She very obviously was. Charlie is one of the most positive people in the show (to an extent that it becomes one of her flaws too), but the minute she called Lucifer it was a complete flip of how we normally see her. She was immediately annoyed. Her patience was already wire-thin. She was close to snapping so many times.

And I can see why. He only calls when he's bored/wants/needs something. He forgot about where she was and what she was doing despite her already telling him. He told her that he'd do anything to help her, and then said "no" the minute she asked.

Also, let's not forget how he answered the phone in the first place.

"Heeey, bitch!"

And look, it was funny. I laughed too. I still think it's funny.

But, imagine you called your dad for the first time in years (a dad you have a very strained relationship with) and the first thing you hear is a peppy, "Heeeeey, bitch!"

Like??? I can't blame Charlie for being annoyed as all hell, okay? I get the sense that she's been putting up with this bullshit for a VERY long time ad she's lost all patience for it. She's done. She's sick of it. She's been disappointed one too many times.

Also, yes, it's not just that Lucifer has been an absent father but he's been a neglectful ruler too. I wouldn't be surprised if Pentagram City has as much respect for him as they do for Charlie. I mean

HE SIGNED OFF ON THE EXTERMINATIONS

Lucifer gave the go-ahead for a yearly genocide of the people he rules over. Can we get some repercussions for that? Do you know how many people lost their friends? Family? Lovers? Vaggie literally spared a child--a CHILD. And I doubt that was the first kid ever confronted by an Exorcist.

Imagine that Cherri died during an Extermination and here we have Angel Dust meeting the person who stepped aside and let it happen. Do you think he wouldn't be mad?

Imagine Carmilla did lose her daughters during that Extermination. Do you really think she'd meet Lucifer and feel nothing but anger and contempt?

Personally, I think Lucifer agreeing to the Exterminations is what fractured his and Charlie's relationship. Like, fully fractured it. That was the last nail in the coffin.

And honestly, I WANT Lucifer to see the consequences of the Exterminations. I want him to have repercussions because that was an INCREDIBLY SHITTY THING TO DO. I imagine he didn't think there was any other option, but we also know that he didn't hold the sinners in high regard anyway. He had the lowest of low opinions of them. I doubt it took much convincing for him to agree.

Lucifer is the oldest being in the Pride Ring--he may be the oldest being in Hell. He's the most powerful person there. He is the embodiment of Pride. And he ACTS LIKE IT IN THE SHOW.

He has acted that way towards Charlie too. He didn't go to her hotel with an open mind. He wasn't actually listening to her plan or taking it into consideration. He played stupid when she asked him what he thought about it. And when the hotel was under attack, instead of stopping it (which he could easily done with a snap of his fingers), he was smirking and acting self-satisfied as he gloated about being "right" about Sinners.

And if you think I'm exaggerating then go rewatch that entire scene.

Look at him

He is acting so smug and he is rubbing it in Charlie's face.

LOOK AT CHARLIE! She is in distress. She is angry. And she is hurting. Her hotel is falling to pieces around her, her friends are in danger, and the whole time she had her dad gloating in her ear about why her dream is, essentially, a waste of time.

And the only thing that snapped him out of it was Charlie asking why Alastor (the one actually protecting the hotel) has more faith in her than her own father. It took Charlie bringing up Alastor again for Lucifer to knock his shit off.

Look at how hurt and closed off Charlie is in the last screenshot. I can't imagine that this is the first time Lucifer has acted towards her in this way. Do I think Lucifer meant to hurt Charlie?

No.

But did he?

Hell-to-the-fucking-YES!

Lucifer is an asshole. He acted like an asshole towards Alastor. He's acted like an asshole towards Charlie. And he kind of acted like an asshole towards the rest of the Hazbin crew considering he didn't exchange a single line of dialogue with them. They introduced themselves to him and that was it. Lucifer spent the rest of the time dissing on Alastor and talking exclusively to Charlie and Vaggie.

Lucifer suffers from depression, yes, but that doesn't take away that he is as much of an asshole as any other character in the show. And I hate that being stripped away and getting turned into this sad, babied little man who's awkward and shy and everyone else is just being mean to him. It's so dull and it's such a disservice to his character.

I don't want sweet, shy little UwU Lucifer that needs to be coddled.

I want mean, condescending, ass-hole Lucifer who reaps the consequences of his actions and grows from them.

[sunnypopoki]

— 𝐌𝐔𝐙𝐙𝐋𝐄 ; P.4

(𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘧𝘪𝘢 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘹 𝘍𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳)

𝗦𝗬𝗡𝗢𝗣𝗦𝗜𝗦: 𝘈𝘯 𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘦�� 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘒𝘪𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘶𝘺. 𝘖𝘩 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

ᴛᴡ: ɪɴꜱᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ ʀᴇᴀʟɪꜱᴛɪᴄ ꜰᴇᴍᴀʟᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, ꜰᴏᴜʟ ʟᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇ, ᴍᴀʀʀɪᴇᴅ ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱʜɪᴘ, ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ, ᴍᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍᴇꜱ, ᴏᴠᴇʀᴛʜɪɴᴋɪɴɢ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, ᴀꜰᴀʙ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, ᴇᴛᴄ.

ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ʜᴀꜱ ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ. ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴍᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɪɴ ɴᴏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴀ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄɪᴢᴇ ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇꜱ, ꜱᴏ ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴅᴏ ꜱᴏ ᴇɪᴛʜᴇʀ. ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ ᴛʜɪꜱ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ. ᴀʟʟ ʀɪɢʜᴛꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ʀᴇꜱᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴏᴘᴏᴋɪ ᴏɴ ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ, Qᴜᴏᴛᴇᴠ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ.

Р.3 / Р.5

Days passed and it was those days that depression started to kick in. While you knew you struggled with basic anxiety and moments of sadness, what came the following days after the store incident felt otherworldly. And not in a good way.

Kieran was busier than normal. This said a lot because he was always busy, but now you were starting to notice minor details that worried you. Busted knuckles, a cracked lip, and a worsening mood. He was beyond stressed and you hadn't the faintest idea of why, but because of this, you've done your best to avoid him entirely.

You believed not talking to him as much as why you were depressed. Among all your other suspicions and worries, everything started to turn downhill when you picked up on the fact some of his clothes had specks of blood and his knuckles were busted. It was one of the few things you tried asking him about. While you avoided the arousing suspicion of cheating, your heart dropped thinking that he was doing something else like getting hurt somewhere. Whenever you asked why his hands were hurt, he brushed it off, said he had a moment of anger, and took it out on a wall.

You didn't believe him. He knew you didn't believe him too. However, you were running out of energy to continue asking and he was running out of energy to continue lying.

You were starting to question if something else was going on. His busted hands were odd but the way he was talking to you was even odder. He seemed paranoid about you going anywhere alone. A good example was that you tried driving to a doctor's appointment yesterday and he was adamant about driving you himself. He wasn't there to drive you. He stopped everything he was doing just to pick you up and take you himself.

Were you selfish for wanting him to worry about you? Yes, you were concerned for him, but there was this small spark of glee each time he rushed to take you places and to see if you were okay. He was finally paying attention to you, even if that attention stemmed from something else, even if you had that gut feeling he'd eventually lose interest and ignore you. What a horrible way to think. It wasn't like you didn't care about what he was going through, but his attention made you feel... better. But it also made you feel worse.

"Are you almost ready?"

He looked up when you peeked into the bedroom. He was in the middle of putting on his belt and he smiled ear to ear. Dark bags were under his eyes and the cut on his cheek from yesterday was slowly healing. He refused to tell you where he got it and each time you asked, he changed the subject entirely. You hated it when he did that. Kieran was good at making others unaware when he changed subjects, even you. You only realized until later that he did. By then, it was too late to ask again.

"Yes," he finished putting on his belt and then rolled up his sleeves, "do I look weird? You're staring at me again."

You couldn't help but smile. "You're handsome as always, I'm just worried about the cut on your cheek. Is it feeling better?"

"It's okay."

You opened your mouth to respond but Kieran was next to you in seconds. Ever since the ordeal with the two men outside the store, he's been extra touchy. And extra means extra. He would hold onto you for as long as he could before he was forced to let go or you moved him off you. It was as if he couldn't get enough. Your face burned when he twisted his head to the side and nipped at your ear, smiling against your skin.

"You're beautiful," he confessed, "it makes me want to keep you here with me. We could just skip this whole outing and cuddle on the couch, or we can take a nap in bed..."

As if that would work out. You were surprised he was heading out with you in the first place. Taking you to the doctor was one thing, but going out for hours was another. Whenever you told him that an old friend from high school wanted to meet up with you and chat, he didn't want you to go alone, even if it meant he'd likely miss his suspicious phone calls.

"We have to go. I already promised."

It was even more suspicious that he wanted to go with you to meet this old friend. Especially considering their track record of insults when they used to hang out together. You squinted at him.

"What?" he tilted his head.

"I'm surprised just you agreed to go. You've never liked Danny."

Daniel Evergrown, better known as "Danny", was a boy you went to high school with. He was the opposite of Kieran back then; straight A's, valedictorian, and a genius when it came down to business. He was your friend back in middle school when your parents wanted you to connect with other children. Particularly of higher status, which Danny was, with both of his parents being surgeons. He stayed your friend throughout your teen years. The two of you split after graduation like most friends did.

You never thought he'd reach out and ask for you to catch up with him. It was even more shocking that he invited you to meet up at a fancy restaurant. Even if he was raised in a rich household, he never enjoyed fancy places to eat. He always said that they made him sick to his stomach.

Kieran bared his teeth in a bright smile and chuckled. "I didn't like him in high school. That was a while ago. He probably has changed since then."

"You never told me why you disliked him, you know?"

He tilted his head and ran his hands up your back, trailing your spine with his fingers, then grabbing the back of your neck to scratch tenderly. His teeth nipped at your jaw when he leaned down. His breath was hot and needy, and he cradled the back of your head. "Hm... you couldn't realize he had a crush on you back then?"

A second passed before you busted out laughing. Everything about that was preposterous. Danny? Having a crush on you? That was impossible! He was so obsessed with his grades in school that you doubted he loved anything else. While his parents also forced him to have the best grades in school like yours did, he actually enjoyed learning, unlike you who hated it.

"No way he had a crush on me!"

"He did. It's not my fault that you're oblivious. You were oblivious to my crush on you for the longest time," he huffed with a small pout. "I gave you a kiss on the cheek once and you questioned me right after like I committed a crime."

"That's because you hated me!" you gaped, pointing at him, "you always used to do nice things and then prank me right after. You even made fun of my accent once and called me a leftover, moldy pizza box."

He scoffed. "That was a long time ago. I love your accent now."

"So you didn't like it at first?"

"Forgive me, Котик. I was a dumb teenager who hated anything American."

"You still hate many things Americans do," you rolled your eyes. "I could list a whole ton of them off the top of my head."

"Americans are very touchy and smiley with people they don't know. I only want you to touch me," he leaned in, "and smile at me, kiss me, and talk to me. Everyone else can go rot."

There were times when you swore everything was just in your head. Unlike the game you always played when he avoided eye contact, you didn't take three gulps of breath, you merely held it and stared at him. He looked like he could only lean on you. That was when you started to melt, when he took your breath away and made your heart flutter.

"You know, when you talk like that, you sound obsessed."

His eyes crinkled around the edges. "Can't I be?"

When he talked like this, it made you feel special. Wanted. Desired. Your throat swelled up and heat spread across your cheeks. Looking away, you cleared your throat. You never knew how to respond when he acted like this. It always left you speechless. He acted like this in high school too, muttering how you were the only person he ever wanted near him. That he was hooked on you like a drug.

"That's unhealthy thinking."

"But you like it," his throat rasped and you shivered when his hands raked down your sides to squeeze your waist again, "you're not good at hiding what you like, Котик."

"Oh shut up," you grumbled.

"Mm, kiss me and I might."

You didn't get a chance to respond before his lips smashed against yours. The breath that wasn't even in your lungs was knocked even farther away, your back arching into him while he pulled you closer. He couldn't keep his hands off of you. Your back, neck, arms, waist. He kissed you like he was starving. The heat under your cheeks worsened. By the time he pulled away, you felt dizzy.

His eyes sparkled. "You're not supposed to hold your breath, Котик.”

"I—no—shut it! We need to leave or we will be late."

He raised his hands in defense. "Yes, yes."

You hated it when he embarrassed you like that. Not that he tried to embarrass you on purpose, but he did like to tease you when he noticed you got shy. It was moments like that when you realized that you were just as obsessed with him as he was with you. Hooked on him like a drug you'd never be able to get rid of, that was why ever suspicion you had hurt so much. It made sense why you loved him so much. Even when things got hard, he was still your Kieran. You heated up at the thought.

You slipped from his grasp and scurried away. You grabbed your bag from the back of the couch in the living room and ran to the front door, listening to Kieran walk right after you. You wrapped your scarf around your neck.

"Want me to drive? Or you?" he asked.

"You."

He chuckled. He was a better driver than you even if you never wanted to admit it, plus if you had to be honest, you never enjoyed driving. As you two headed out to the car, you yelped when a hand smacked your ass. Whipping around seething, you hissed at him. Your face was even hotter than before.

"Kieran!"

He looked like a kid who got his hand caught in the cookie jar. Grinning cheekily, he slipped into the driver's seat, giggling like a boy. Your heart swelled up and he turned on the radio. Paranoid or not about something, he looked to be in a good mood today. Maybe it was because he was going out with you, maybe he heard good news earlier in the day, you weren't entirely sure. But his giddy smile filled your heart with butterflies.

The heat was quickly turned on. You held your hands in front of the vents and hoped the air would melt away the cold bite in your fingers.

"Where are we meeting Danny at again?" he asked, glancing in the rearview mirror as he backed up.

"A restaurant called 'Papillon'. It's closer to the city."

Kieran raised an eyebrow. The whole reason you asked for him to dress up nicer was because it was a four-star restaurant, and while it didn't have a dress code, it was a fancy place. It's been a while since you wore a dress. You weren't fond of dresses, you were always forced to wear them as a kid, so you had a natural distaste for them now.

He was dressed in a simple white dress shirt and nice black pants. His shoes were shiny and his hair was let loose down his shoulders. His tattoos peeked out from his collar and sleeves. He gripped the steering wheel with one hand and fixed the GPS, not brave enough in his memory to drive there on his own. He placed his other hand on your thigh when he was done.

It was refreshing that you weren't ignoring him anymore. It was even more refreshing to see him smiling so much, not stressed or horribly tired after he came home late. But of course, not ignoring him came with a price nowadays. You couldn't ask any questions because he might just ignore them. Not about his cuts, his job, his life. You ignored the bitter taste in your mouth.

"We have to be here in 30 minutes, right?"

"Yes, so there's no reason to rush. We have enough time," you nodded.

"Mmm."

You opened your mouth to say something. Anything to switch your mind off your depressing thoughts, but your prayers were heard. Not in a good way. You distracted by the radio, which was blasting the news, the news reporting sounding strangely serious for the middle of the day.

"Three people have been found deceased today on route nine. They were discovered at sunrise, around 7:00 AM, and their names are Rhonda Layne, Roman White, and Garret Wood. All of them are between the ages of 30 and 35."

"Holy hell," you mumbled.

Now you weren't usually interested in the news or gossip, but this was so sudden that it felt like a slap to the face. Route nine was surprisingly close to your house and a well populated road, not a place where you'd randomly find dead bodies strewn about. Maybe an accident, but found? Kieran glanced at the radio as well, pursing his lips in displeasure. He almost looked disgusted. You didn't blame him, hearing about three dead bodies being found didn't sit well with the mind or stomach, especially knowing how close it was to your house.

The newscaster continued to ramble on about the situation. You turned it up to listen.

"From what we have gathered from the police department, we have been told that this might as well be a murder case. No suspects have been taken into custody. If you or anyone you know has a tip on what happened, please call the number—"

"Murder? So like a serial killer?"

Bile gurgled in your gut. What if those tattooed men you met a couple days ago were the killers? What if someone else was? What if you got kidnapped and murdered that day just because you decided to walk at night? You weren't a strong person. If someone came after you with the intent to kill, you didn't think you'd make it out alive in any scenario. In fact, you'd probably rush your own death. You'd rather die immediately instead of a prolonged end.

Kieran's hand squeezed your thigh. His fingers kneaded into your flesh, massaging gently. Glancing over, you saw him watching you from the corner of his eye as he drove down the road. He looked worried.

"It'll be okay, Котик. The police department will take care of it and catch them," he rubbed circles on your skin. "They won't touch a single hair on your head, I swear it."

"I know. But like—I don't know, what if they hurt you?"

He blinked. "Me?"

"Sometimes you leave late," you swallowed the sudden dryness in the back of your throat, "what if they find you and hurt you? What if they kill you and dump—"

He smiled warmly. He squeezed your leg so tightly that you were sure that his hand would imprint there forever. It was some comfort for your pounding heart. He almost looked amused, but you shook the thought away, knowing that he didn't take joy from seeing you worried. You had to be seeing things. He was never the type to get amused when others were hurt. He was either indifferent or annoyed with the entire situation, sometimes disgusted.

"I won't get hurt, Котик."

"But you could.”

"Hmm," he paused, "then I'll start staying home more to be safe. I'm sure my clients will understand."

Your jaw almost dropped. Out of all the things he could have said, you didn't expect that. Your heart soared but you quickly tied it down. No, why should you be excited that he was forced to stay home because of some dangerous threat? Why were you excited for his freedom to be limited? Deep down, you knew why. If he was fine with staying home, then that meant it would be less likely he was cheating on you. It meant he wouldn't be meeting up with some woman named 'Sam'.

Maybe you were a bad person. Being grateful for the situation yet the whole situation was caused by three innocent people being found dead. Guilt swamped your head and you looked out the window at the houses and businesses you passed by. You were selfish, weren't you? Some pig that deserved to rot. Maybe your parents were right—

"(Y/N)?"

Your head snapped to look at him. He looked serious.

"You have that look on your face."

"What look?"

"Like you're ashamed of something."

Like being punched in the gut, your face twisted up, and you quickly looked away. There were some things about Kieran that you had a love/hate relationship with. His ability to read you was one of them. He always hit the nail straight on the head and he never pulled back his punches. You felt his eyes burning into the side of your head and he sighed.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asked, his voice so gentle, you almost believed you were made out of glass. "You don't have to tell me, but I am here for you, Котик."

"...I just feel like a bad person sometimes."

His hand shifted and his fingers found yours, holding your hand tightly. When he spoke, he sounded pained, as if he was taking on all of your burdens onto his shoulders. "Do you think I would have fallen in love with a bad person?"

"Well, no--"

"So why do you think you're a bad person?" he took a deep breath. "Out of all the people in school, you were the only one who didn't bully or treat me differently because of where I came from. You were the only one who stood up for me when I was targeted by assholes. Every day, you worked so hard, and even when you had bad days, you never took it out on someone else."

Kieran sounded so sincere. He was devout as if he was speaking to a goddess, not just a random woman he decided to make his wife. Your throat closed up and he quickly brought your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles and mumbling sweetly against them.

"You feel like a bad person. That doesn't make you one."

You knew what he was saying. Emotions weren't a fact and they didn't make things true. As someone who was studying the brain and human behaviors just for your future job, you knew that you couldn't count your emotions as a judgment of your character. But that was hard. It was hard to like yourself when you had such... nasty selfish thoughts sometimes. You gnawed on your bottom lip and glanced at him.

"...thank you."

"Always, my Котик."

He switched the radio station to some light-hearted music right after. The hand that held yours only left when he had to turn, but quickly grabbed yours again. His pep talk did make you feel a little better but you weren't out of the woods entirely. Guilt continued to look over your shoulders with a suffocating glare, burning holes into the back of your head, staring down every selfish that you've ever had.

Just think about something else. That has to be easier than that.

You let your brain wander to more serious topics. There had been gang activity recently, right? At least that was what you heard recently. From the cashier lady mentioning kidnappings, and some people at the university talking about gangs, and then now there were the three murders; the idea didn't seem so far off.

It was even more odd when you thought about how Kieran has been coming home hurt. Now, you didn't expect him to be in a gang, you didn't think someone like him had enough 'teamwork' in him to do that. But what if he was in danger? Or stuck in something he didn't know how to get out of? What if he was being threatened by someone? You examined the cut on his cheek. It was healing but it was a little red around the edges, a little tender. It'd probably ache if you touched it. He didn't have a black eye so it wasn't like he got it from being punched.

It could have been an accident. Maybe I am overthinking it.

It was just odd to think about. All these started happening around the same time he started coming home with busted knuckles and cuts. You couldn't be the only person who thought that was odd, right? You chewed on the edge of your tongue and debated on egging on a conversation to see his reaction. But what if it backfired? You weren't sure what you'd do if you found out he was involved with something dangerous. Obviously, you'd confide in the police, that's a no-brainer.

Then there was the issue of if he was involved personally without being threatened. No, no. There was no possible way that he was involved like that. Kieran was violent at times, but he was only violent to people who deserved it, people who harmed you or others. He wouldn't go out of his way to do crime. He wouldn't do it even if it was in the way. He preferred peace over stupid chaos.

Clearing your throat, you decided to bring up a small conversation. Just to see his reaction. That was all.

"You know, now that I am thinking about it, what if it's a gang or something? A sweet cashier at the store mentioned kidnappings to me when I was leaving and others at Uni have talked about gangs. Plus three murders just found out of nowhere? Isn't that a little odd to you?"

He pulled down a highway that led straight to the city. He took a second before he responded. "I don't know, I haven't heard much about it. Though I can tell that you're worried about it."

"Well, I'm not worried, it's just..."

"It's okay to be interested in something. Especially since it happened close." Kieran let his arm rest in his lap and grabbed the steering wheel from below. The sigh that dragged from his lips was relaxed, his eyes focused ahead on the highway. "I'm just worried you'll get hooked on this and make yourself paranoid. You did that once with a crime documentary when we were dating in high school."

"I won't make myself paranoid!" you retorted, "plus that was a long time ago."

Kieran chuckled. "True."

"You just have to be cautious! It could be something worse than a gang."

He raised an eyebrow and glanced over. He looked skeptical, as if he was trying to read your mind and had a gut feeling whatever you were thinking of wasn't plausible at all. "And what's worse than a gang of criminals?"

"Uh, like, the mafia?"

"Mmm. You think there's a mafia family on the outskirts of the city where we live?" he asked. Turning the blinker on, he turned onto another road. "And that they killed three people and left their bodies on the side of the road?"

"I mean, it could happen!" you rebuked.

The car stopped at a red light, leaving him asking, "And you're thinking about the Italian mafia?"

"Well any type of mafia! Like the.. American mafia.. or something!"

Kieran looked at you like you grew two heads. "I think, Котик, you've been reading too many articles online. A gang would be more likely than the mafia. Wouldn't the mafia hide all evidence, not leave it out? Like the movies, you know."

Well, when he put it like that, you almost did sound crazy. The mafia sounded a lot more serious than gang rivalries or debts in your head. From all the movies you showed, the mafia always seemed clean and cut to the T with how they did things. Movies weren't real life but you knew that men with debt weren't the same as criminals who happened to be business men.

"The police will catch them," Kieran comforted, "I just pray you don't start playing detective. Gang or not, I don't want you getting too swamped up in something dangerous."

"Of course I won't. I'm not an idiot who wants to throw away their life."

The conversation didn't continue much after that. The air seemed awkward, but only for you, as he started humming and bobbing his head to the music as he drove. There was a small smile on his lips. Whatever he was thinking about, it wasn't about murder or gangs, because he looked so cheery that it almost reminded you of a giggly high schooler. There was no reason for you to ruin his bad mood. You trusted him enough to tell you if he was in something dangerous like that. Ha, how funny. You could trust him over that, but had a hard time trusting if he was cheating on you or not.

Why, didn't that say a lot about you, didn't it?

You leaned your head against the window and closed your eyes. The car was warm, the glass was cold, and his hand was perfect in yours. Danny would be shocked to hear that you married Kieran. None of your high school friends were invited to your wedding since it was strictly family and you doubted he heard about it, especially since he was away on the other side of the country when Kieran proposed. You couldn't wait to see his face.

There were some parts of you that wanted to dwell on the bad. Thinking about the good made you anxious, as if something bad would happen and ruin everything. You wanted to be prepared—but what would happen? The two of you were just going out to lunch to meet an old high school friend. Kieran's pep talk made you feel a little bit better about yourself too.

But should you feel better about yourself? That didn't change the selfish thoughts you had earlier. Feeling excited he'd stay home with you more just because something bad happened to other people. Of course, you weren't happy something bad happened to anyone, but you were crude enough to have a sliver of excitement in a bad situation.

Just don't think about it, you thought. Think about it later. Just enjoy your time now. Stop self sabotaging.

The GPS signaled for the car to turn left and beeped when it arrived at its destination. Luckily for you, it didn't seem to be packed with people, and you were glad that Danny scheduled for the meet up to be at a time that wasn't close to rush hour or after work hours.

The car pulled into the parking lot beside the restaurant. You glanced at the city line that wasn't far away, the skyscrapers stretching up to the clouds, and the distant plane that carved through the clouds. You popped out of the car and shut the door behind you. The restaurant you were going to was three stories tall, each floor with seating. There were a couple of people on the balconies eating and you debated on how insane they were to eat out in the middle of winter. At least it wasn't snowing today.

Anxiety started to jitter your bones and you already began to blame it on the cold. Every second was another second your brain would bounce between thoughts, not giving you enough chance to breathe. One moment you felt excited, then guilty, then worried, and now you were anxious. Why? You weren't anxious before? So why did you suddenly want to throw up?

Kieran stepped out of the car, locked it, and held out his hand. You noticed the healing scabs from his busted knuckles and the scratches over the top of his hand. Nonetheless, you took his hand and intertwined his fingers with yours. He noticed your anxiety and tilted his head. "Are you having mean thoughts again?"

"No, no, just... normal stuff."

His hand squeezed yours and pulled you into his embrace. He kissed the crown of your forehead and his breath tickled. In his normal fashion, he said, "I'll be with you. If you want to leave at any time, just tap my leg, mmkay?"

You nodded. Times lately hadn't been the greatest, but you were grateful for this one good day. For once in a long time, Kieran was in a good mood and all your worries seemed to fade away when he held you.

"Be nice to Danny," you teased, "we haven't seen him in ages."

Kieran shrugged with his signature, charming grin. You gave him a look and he snorted, saying, "I'll try my best."

You had a gut feeling that he wouldn't try his best. Not at all.

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LINKS:

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[ P.5 ]

[nrdmssgs]

Sleep, my brother

Masterlist

Nikto befriends reader at their darkest hour. Angst, hurt/comfort TW: mentions of depressive episodes (no descriptions), swearing AN: I had this idea for a while now and a friend of mine, to whom I wanted to dedicate this one-shot, made an incredibly beautiful, striking and sad songfic with Nikto. So it was my sign to finally get on with it. I won't tag a person, to whom I owe this, because this is quite personal, I'm not sure, they will be happy to see their name here. I love you, I wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Cold wind reaches the old table and steam over two cups of tea shutters and leans to the side. You don't react and keep tracing cracks on the oilcloth with your finger, not caring about grease and dust.

One should have start worrying, when a big figure covered with a strange concoction of gear appeared at the stair hall next to their flat. Or when that figure froze right in front of their flat and reached out for a doorbell. Nobody in their right mind would let him in.

But you did. At this point, you didn't care about an obviously military animal lurking around you. The last bits of self-preservation instincts died long ago, when you made the plan and rented this flat for the New Year's holidays. A man standing at your threshold with a few guns and knives, sleeping in carbines scattered around his gear, wouldn't change anything. Or maybe he could lend you a bullet in a spirit of festive celebrations.

You chuckled to your own thoughts automatically. You got no more smiles left, no more laughs, but this lifeless shadow of a sarcastic reaction was still there with you.

He said, it will take him only fifteen minutes, asked you to wait in the kitchen, wear your headphones, watch anything on your smartphone. As if you were that naive and didn't understand, what a guy with a sniper rifle can seek on a top floor of a nine-story block of flats.

This was a strange evening: once you started bringing your plan to life - everything went weird. First, your rented flat turned out decorated for the New Year celebration. The landlord must have thought, you were planning to celebrate. There was a tiny Christmas tree in the bedroom, a plastic faded garland and even a "Happy 1995!" poster right from the past. Then there was this guy... You knew, your home is turning into a crazy place, but never thought, killers, the guys from 90-s TV will come out this fast.

Even your childhood memories of endless bandit-series couldn't prepare you to this encounter. What one does, when a killer uses their room as a sniping position? Runs? Calls anyone? Writes a funny twitter thread?

You were out of ideas, but more importantly - you were out of fear or any emotions at all. So you found cups and teabags in a kitchen drawer and made some tea. There wasn't much thinking behind it - your plan was far too important to try to do the right thing with this guy.

Fifteen minutes turned into thirty, then into fourty-something. You sat with your back facing the kitchen door and watched distant windows turning blue each time one scene of the festive concert changed for another. Everybody was watching the bloody concert today. And in an hour or so your hometown will turn to you, light up a thousand suns of TVs, look at you with myriads of copies of the same face with the darkest holes instead of eyes. "This was a tough year..." will it chant deep in your brain. You won't even need to hear the damned voice to know, exactly, what he tells.

But that won't happen anymore, because this will be the last-

"We are out." A hoarse voice right behind you drags you back to reality. In this time, he spent in the next room, you forgot, that the man speaks so strange. One accent mixes with another, the constant 'we, us' as if there was an army behind him.

"Ok." You don't turn back, just drag an ashtray closer to you and pat your pockets absentmindedly.

Your lighter clicks a few times in an absolute silence. He did just tell you, he's heading out of your place, didn't he? After taking the first smoke drag, you turn back and meet his blizzard gray eyes.

"Waiting for someone?" He points at the second mug. You wish he didn't wear that stupid mask, so that you had a chance to read his face and understand whether he's just confused or grows irritated.

"It's for you. Must have run cold already. Forget it."

The man ignores your last words and squeezes between your chair and the kitchen counter. He unfastens the belts holding his mask and moves it to the side, revealing a black balaclava under it. He takes a mug and looks around while you try to contemplate, what is actually happening.

"We didn't do anything there. Shitty intel. The target didn't come."

"You won't..." You don't know how to ask this, and just tap your hip at the same place where he has a handgun carabiner.

"I am many things, but not a butcher." It's the first time, your guest refers to himself as "I", but you mark this fact just with a tired sigh.

"You're... Disappointed?" The man takes a sip from his mug and catches your palm before you take another drag of your cig.

At first his gaze is cold, irritated, disgusted even. He pulls your cigarette from your fingers, brings it closer to his face, inhales your smoke and returns you the stub.

At first his gaze is cold, irritated, disgusted even. He pulls your cigarette from your fingers, brings it closer to his face, inhales your smoke and returns you the stub. And then his eyes soften and grow worried. As if he realizes something.

"Nobody's coming to celebrate with you?"

"I'm fine with that. Nobody is a way better option than..." You motion towards the window, uncertain if he can even understand, what you meant to say.

For a few minutes, silence wraps your kitchen. Only distant echoes of fireworks and the monotonous humming of the elevator engine muffled by the flat walls accompanies you two. Then he speaks again.

"We are staying with you."

He's not even asking. And that was not a part of your plan.

"No need, I am not celebrating really-"

"What are you doing then?" He cuts you off, completely ignoring your attempts to be polite.

In a desperate attempt to get rid of him, you mumble something about being tired and just planning to go to bed, but it's as if he doesn't hear you. In a few gulps, he finishes his tea, takes his guns and knives off his belt and puts it all on the refrigerator.

"So that you don't worry. We won't do anything stupid," he comments, and you don't bother noting, that the guy is so massive - he can snap your neck with his bare hands, so 'anything stupid' can happen without guns even.

Lastly, he takes the rifle off his shoulder and sets it down in the far corner without looking. A plaintive twang of strings rings in the kitchen, and you instinctively turn towards the sound.

A cheap guitar with a crooked neck - he must have hit it with the butt of his gun, hides in the dark corner. You two don't ask each other, don't share a single word. He just takes it, you light another cigarette and wet your throat with a cold tea. He tries to tune it and start playing. Nothing special, random melodies.

Little by little, you realize, his weird mix of accents must have an origin somewhere around here. Even though, he doesn't sing - you recognize the melodies, he plays. These are the melodies from your childhood. You listen and forget about time. For a short moment, the world narrows to this little kitchen, and feels somehow cozy.

Somehow bearable.

But then he starts playing one particular song, that you vaguely remember, and when you recognize it - the sound cuts your found peace like a razor blade. The man must have noticed your darkened face, because he stops abruptly and looks at you.

"Bad memories?"

"No, I liked this one back when it came out. It's just the guy, who sings it - he went mad." You look past your guest's shoulder, outside, at blue lit windows. "They all are going mad lately."

The man looks in the same direction for a few seconds and then turns back to you.

"Talking to furniture? Listening to the voices in their heads?"

"Talking to butchers," you say that in the most plain voice you can muster, but the lump rolling up your throat is still apparent, "Listening to butchers. Becoming butchers."

You realize that this probably sounds pompous and expect your guest to laugh. But he remains serious. And then something unusual happens: for the first time this evening, he switches to another language: your language.

"Obizhayut tebya tut?"*

Yes. A lot. So fucking much, you don't have any strength left. It hurts so bad, you just wish this all to end. Any way possible. Just make it quick.

But that you can't tell anyone. Not even to some strange man, that a decent person should be afraid of. So you just wave your hand uncertainly and mumble.

"Da kto menya tut obidit..."*

Nobody in his place would hear how much pain hides behind this little lie. But this man hears.

He puts the guitar aside, stands up and touches your shoulder after leveling with your chair.

"You need to sleep. Let's go."

"I need to..." He squeezes your shoulder softly and you grow silent. The turbid, dark-red air outside the window gets colored by bright sheaves of sparks and the cannonade of New Year's fireworks reaches you. Its midnight. And despite everything, you're still here.

Maybe because this whole evening is so surreal, maybe because the last few years felt like a drenching nightmare, but it feels so easy to go sleep on a sofa in a rented flat on a New Years night with this strange man guarding you. He sits in the corner, making sure, you have enough room. His hand runs softly over your shoulder, pets your head, fingers draw little circles between your shoulder blades. You almost fall asleep when he speaks again.

"We liked that song."

"Me too. Liked many things until lately."

"You know what?" He looks down at you, and you notice, there is no coldness left in his eyes. His gaze is still intense, but the blizzard is not roaring there anymore. "Fuck that shithead. It's our song now. We own it. You and... me."

You feel sorry once again that you can't see his whole face, so his expression remains unreadable. But his voice sounds dead serious. So you nod in response.

That night you drift to sleep to the stranger humming a melody from your childhood. He was a threat, a guest, a strange encounter. He was many things, but wasn't a butcher. Because he made sure, the next morning came.

"Obizhayut tebya tut?" - Anyone brings you trouble here?

"Da kto menya tut obidit..." *Nobody would dare/be interested in that.

[syntheticcharmva]

I and my family are facing a crisis I never saw coming. My father has turned his back on us, and I'm terrified of what's next. I still need to escape this situation. Please, if you can, share or donate. Every bit helps even just a dollar, if enough people see, it adds up. I hope you can forgive me the near spam posting... but this stuff usually only succeeds if you're persistant about it, and whilte I look for every possible way to do it on my own, I really have to reach out to the community. Thanks to you all we got 6 percent of the goal

In 2 days, that's wild... from the bottom of my heart this means so much. but I really hope we can get out of this awful position we were so suddenly put in. 10k and 20k are gonna be a big help if we hopefully reach that far, but I know 30k will make it so we can actually leave this awful situation safe and sound without massive sacrifices. we've got pets we care for deeply, they're family, and he doesn't even consider that... this man has never cared for us though he claims otherwise, and now threatens us with pulling the one supportive thing he agreed to supply from under us at a pivitol moment in all our lives. I'm sad, angery, depressed, and oh so very tired... I'm sorry for the ramble, but I have been unable to sleep the past few nights because of the anxiety this has caused within me. I want to thank you all again for sharing, for donating, even just the well wishes helps a lot. you have all been wonderful, and I can't thank you enough. This has eased at least some of the immediate fear, but we're still a long way off from safety.

[evilkaeya]

being depressed sucks ass because there's so many things I wanna do but I just can't

[just-null]

Wowie rly digging the yandere clone headcanons… how would each react if their darling tried to run away from them?!

You said tried so I assume this was a failed attempt!

Short answer: they get really upset and try making it your fault (shocker.) Ain't no way any of these mfs think they're the problem. Good news! you're mostly unharmed and alive.

This will just be purely writing bc i mostly had thoughts! sorry no drawing this time!!

[cw! mentions of potential harm to reader (no actual harm done), manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics (yandere flavor), obsessive behavior]

Sekido

You're always being hunted the moment the sun comes down and you don't return home in time. Reasons like that are exactly why he hates it when you part from him. 

This time is different.. he can't find you in your usual spots. There's no fucking way, right?

How could you.. No, how DARE you? Do you think that he's some joke? That his feelings for you are something that you can run away from like it's nothing? 

The second he's sure the sun won't harm him, he's already white knuckling his khakkhara, swinging at anything and everything in his path until he gets to you.

They know how to sense if you're near or not, hell, they probably know how your specific blood type smells like. 

Did you think cuddling up to you and memorizing every detail about you was for nothing? Don't be stupid. All he needs is a trace of you and he's gone in the blink of an eye.

You better enjoy running while you can because when he catches you, and he will, those legs of yours won't have much use after he's done with them. 

Sekido doesn't WANT to do this, but you honestly give him no choice. After he trusted you enough to stop looking over his shoulder, you do this? How can he ever put any faith in you again!?

On the bright(?) side, Sekido's rage wouldn't be solely on you, it'll ricochet onto everyone, especially the other clones and himself. 

They were supposed to be looking after you! But they can't do anything right, even a task as simple as this. 

And why did he think it was a good idea to trust them with something of big importance when all they do is fuck everything up!? Everyone's idiocy is rubbing off on him!

The entire time on his search for you, he's cursing and wanting to crush anything he can get his hands on, especially your bones. 

He doesn't even bother with speaking to the others, too busy spewing out all sorts of hurtful and frustrated comments about everything. 

The brutal thought that you’d rather run away than be with him isn't one he wants to entertain, but it's echoing in his head.

At least, once the other clones get there, Karaku and Aizetsu brawl with Sekido so you're unharmed while Urogi carries you overhead. 

Sekido's jealousy flares up when he sees you in Urogi's arms, making him even more pissed if that's even possible. Great, now he looks like the bad guy and the other three, the saviors. Fucking perfect.

There's a lot of yelling and a lot of blood, especially with Urogi making things so much more annoyingly difficult in the air. Karaku and Aizetsu aren't helping. Why is Sekido suddenly the problem?! You ran away!! 

But when he calms down enough, he's cursing at everyone through clenched teeth. Sometimes trying to convince the others that you don't even need your legs anyway!!

Once you get back home (or temporary prison until you somehow regain favor), Sekido will eye your legs while gripping his staff from time to time. 

Exactly why he's forbidden to be in a room alone with you for a while until he settles down..

He glares at you more often and grows colder than before. Arguments are more common where he twists your words just to have you talk with him and be angry within reason. 

Any other type of conversation makes him so irrationally upset that the others need to step in so that he doesn't lose his temper again.

Karaku

The calmest out of the group. He brushes it off as “you're playing hard to get” again, and if he makes a ruckus, you'll scamper back and beg him to stop like always!

Then it gets darker out.. and when Sekido left, he seemed pretty pissed. Like more than usual..... shit.

Karaku sprints after Sekido when it clicks that he's found you. His mind starts reeling, unsure whether he should laugh at the absurdity of your decisions or get pissed off because you didn't even bother to give a hint! 

Not like that would do anything aside from give you away but regardless!

Everyone needs to relax, this is obviously something they can sweep under the rug. This isn't that big of a deal and you're just having a fit, but things like these can get you hurt, y'know? 

They're fun and all, sure, just maybe give him a heads up next time, yeah? Sekido can't take a joke, you know this!!! Still.. There's a way Karaku can work with this.

He'll be able to swoop in, save you, be your hero, and remind you why staying with him is kinda important. Just in case you forgot~ 

You don't wanna be out and about without his charming grin and protective hold would you? Don't answer that right now, he has a feeling you'll say something wrong!

Yet.. what if you need a firmer hand to remind you of what Karaku provides? What if you got a little too comfortable being protected so you thought you'd be alright leaving them? Man, who knew you could be spoiled!

Because of this, he would purposely fumble, letting Sekido get near you just so he can stop him at the perfect moment. He purposely gets hit too and makes sure some blood gets near you. To remind you how that could've been yours.

When Sekido calms down, Karaku laughs in your face and would pinch your cheeks if you weren't up in the air with Urogi on the way home.

You should've seen your face! It was really cute~! Maybe getting scared is your thing? He'll note that for later.

He offhandedly advises you not to do things like that all the time, fighting Sekido always kinda sucks, but it's not like you actually had a chance of successfully running away so he won't chastise you too much for it. 

That's not his job, and his heart hasn’t pumped that fast in a long time.. not even in a fight! You're so amazing~~

And delusional if you think he's not going to milk this “heroism” thing back there for some extra affection points with you. 

Don't be so mean. he got his head blown off twice and jaw dislocated thrice, not to mention everywhere else on his body. Don't you think those parts of him need some extra loving? more than usual?

There's not that much Karaku can say after that aside from reminiscing like it was a funny story. He's not upset about it, mostly a little miffed you got kinda far without him noticing, but he gets over it. 

The usual routine starts back up for him when you're back home. It's like nothing happened, but he keeps a closer eye on you since everyone's so tense.

Urogi

If you're not home before the sun sets, Urogi's clawing at the walls with stress. He usually accompanies Sekido to go find you, but this time is different. Urogi could just barely tell you were around.. When Sekido bolts, Urogi's flying as fast as he can, trying to find you first. 

You're so far.. you must've gotten kidnapped!!!!!

The stress from before burns into anger, expecting to see someone having their hands on you while you're calling out in vain. How could he let this happen?! Damn sun! 

He darts through the skies even faster imagining it, and when he finally reaches you, you look.. fine? and alone. and looking at him like he's the danger. He's here to save you, dummy..

Urogi falls to his knees, burying his face against your stomach and finally wrapping his arms around you again. Your fists violently hit his head and yank fistfuls of hair back, but it doesn't phase him. 

Your comforting warmth is back, that's all that matters. And god, your smell.. it's almost making him dizzy. He missed you so much.

There's many holes to the story in Urogi's head as to why you're so far from home, but he fills them in with more convoluted delusions. It's just a peaceful reunion right now.. 

That is until Sekido finally arrives and starts swinging his khakkhara way too close to your fragile bones. 

Now he's back in defense mode where he scoops you up and tries flying out of reach. This is so stressful!!! There's lightning everywhere and he keeps having to dodge the multiple staffs thrown his way. 

He shields you with his wings as best he can while trying to stay in the air, so you don't get hurt during Sekido's outburst.

In the skies, it's much clearer to see the hurt behind the haunting glow of Urogi's eyes. Did you care about how he might feel? Did you miss him at all? Did you not feel loved enough? Did someone say something to you? 

As he maneuvers the sky, he holds you as tightly as possible, lightly digging his talons into your skin.

Being without you for a couple hours is agonizing enough on its own. If you HAD left him, abandoned, cold, alone.. he doesn't want to think about it. All that matters is that your kidnappers or liars or whatever influenced you are gone, and you're back safe with them!!! 

You.. you still like him, right? Of course you do, fate wouldn't force your paths together if it wasn't for a reason!

Coming back home is uncomfortably tense, especially with how violently Aizetsu kicked Urogi across the room, nearly through the wall, when he tried to lick your wounds clean. It really hurt! 

When you're patched up, Urogi is ten times as clingy if that's possible. He has his arms looped around you constantly so you can't stray too far, and if his hands are busy, he always has his wings!

As happy as he is that you're back, he can't help but cry into your chest sometimes. Everything is so tense nowadays, he hates it! How could you go and do something like that? Apologize immediately! Or at least hold him too? Doubt creeps in a lot, and your attitude isn't helping.. 

His mood swings are stronger. From sobbing uncontrollably into your clothes to being all smiles and radiating with joy the next just because you said something vaguely decent.

Aizetsu

The demotivation started to creep in the second you left. During the day, Aizetsu sits by the door, wanting to be the first one you properly greet. Sekido and Urogi usually bring you back and he'll be the one in your good graces without lifting a finger. That sounds nice.. 

But as the footsteps fade and the silence lingers, Aizetsu feels miserable the longer he waits... Hold on, silence?

Before he realizes what's happening, he's already dashing to where the familiar commotion is coming from. Dread sets in as his legs take him as fast as they can whilst being the slowest of the four. This doesn't feel like they're rushing over to you after a long day, it feels.. dangerous?

What did you get yourself into..? Why do you insist on going to places Aizetsu can't follow? Are you safe? He hates not knowing.

Usually you're the one who's fine. You deal with four demons almost daily! Please please please be okay. He can't fathom it if you were hurt. 

When he gets there, the puzzle pieces fall into place and Aizetsu gets even more depressed, but at least you're not hurt. Well, not if he interferes. His movements are sluggish, a perpetual frown plastered on his face as he tries holding Sekido down. 

Aizetsu wants to dissolve into the floor, and he does sometimes. Not wanting to fight Sekido off anymore, he slumps over. 

This could've been a regular day where you came home.. Are you serious? Leaving? How pitiful could you be to actually think you could get away? Or was it that you wanted to play some sick joke on them? Well, it's not very funny... It's terrible actually.

Aizetsu stays silent on the way home, walking with a bit more energy knowing you're near despite his heart ache.

You can feel the harrowing disappointment radiating off of him the moment you all go back home.

He's tired, annoyed, and so unbelievably upset. Aizetsu grimaced when Urogi got near your scratches with his tongue, so he “politely” ushered him away. 

Knowing a human's weak points is good in battle, but he started trying to learn how to heal them, specifically because he knew these types of things might happen.

As he cleans your scratches, he's actively scolding you for leaving in a cold emotionless tone. And by scolding, he's using manipulative language, trying to make you guilty for everything you did. 

He barely has the energy to live, but now that he finally found his light in the darkness, you want to leave? Is it so wrong he wants to hold onto what makes him even a smidgen happier than usual? He reminds you that he'll wither away without you, but he's not really too keen on dying just yet.

When he tries to get back into a routine, he just can't. He knows why you left, but he doesn't want to hear it. Even if you're sweet to him or not, he'll hold you from behind when you rest.

Looking at you is too much, but being away from you is even worse. Aizetsu compromises this way, but gets quieter, occasionally sniffling when he hides his face behind you.

There's too much going on and he's so tired.. If it weren't for the others, he probably would've held you so tight for so long so that you both would perish together.

Maybe that’s why he's only allowed to hold you when you're asleep. Just please don't do that again.. He NEEDS you. Please, please, please.

Safe to say you gave them a scare. When they double down on the protectiveness, living is ten times more difficult for EVERYBODY. when you lose their trust, it's pretty difficult to gain it back, but not impossible!!

Sekido and Urogi will always assume the worst if you're gone for too long while Karaku and Aizetsu give you a little more freedom until the others drag them along into their worries.

[waspgrave]

now there was no reason for lucanis to be given purple johnny silverhand as a plot point and then never have the purple johnny silverhand utilized except for maybe 3 or 4 times in the game (if you saved Treviso, otherwise it's twice) and dialogue. Dialogue where he pretty much just says weird and funny things and occasionally gets scolded like a dog which is entertaining sure but there is Literally A Demon In One Of The Companions Why Is This Not A Bigger Deal

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Well, at least Fukuzawa got his wish granted, I guess.... he's finally inside Fukuchi <3

[share-the-damn-bed]

So, I figure that you and Jonathan are still going strong 'cause you guys are going to college together and you're like one of those unstoppable power couples...

[starfilledsky2810]

damn I yap a lot

tldr; im alive, sadly im still on hiatus, other stuff is fine now I just have new [physical] problems, you'll know when I'm fully back (give it another couple months) and comfortable, I'm in a [technically well-over] 3-month long ongoing depressive episode [not tryna do trauma olympics or make anyone feel bad btw it's all chill]

so sorry if I've left you hanging [with art or smth], I'll get to it in time, I promise [I may have unwillingly forgotten, likely not but there's a chance]

Hey, I'm alive, I have been for the.. almost 6 months I've been gone. Holy shit, I didn't even realise that it's been that long. I figured I should at least say something in case anyone is worried or wondering even though everything isn't solved yet, so, here. [under the read more so it's not flooding or anything]

Also, I figure I should apologise for venting on main and just leaving it up - this is all going to stay up because I need to keep it somewhere to aid with my memory issues - but, still, must've been a little weird

Absolutely not a good time to say all this [for me bc I haven't thought this message through] but I'm kinda half-back, just on hiatus from socials due to declining physical health. Really badly declining, I need help honestly

Originally, as you know, I was gone because I had a really bad fall out with my mother, but things pertaining to that have been solved now [except me not feeling 100% safe and trusting to my mother, that will never change. She's tried hard, I just wish I could find her reliable emotionally as well]. It's just that, since then, basically, all these physical problems that I don't understand have been royally fucking me up and messing with my mental too. It's messed with everything I love. I don't know what to do anymore.

Oh wait, where I was actually going with this, so

OK nvm I forgot but you'll see me around bc I've been talking to certain people trying to pretend like nothing's happened and I've made the kinda-silly decision to not fully come off hiatus or talk to other certain people before I'm okay again.

[ikarus-angel]

DAY 21. - STAR

The first thing I do after being shot is also taking a smoke break 🥺❤️

[yvesolade]

.

[kaisollisto]

[pa-pa-plasma]

i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

[stabbyfoxandrew]

:(