#is horrifically painful in a way that I cannot describe

[nor-and-family]

🇵🇸🍉❤ Hello my supportive friends!🇵🇸🍉❤

I am Nour, 35 years old, a Palestinian from Gaza. I am trying to save my family of 7 members and five children from the hell of war by moving to a safe place until the horrific war ends.

Our suffering and hardship began on the fourteenth of October 2023, when my family was forcibly displaced from the north to the south under conditions that threatened their lives. As a result, our homes were completely destroyed and our businesses were demolished, and we were left with no source of livelihood, no shelter to shelter us and no source of livelihood to live on.

We have been living in miserable tents since the first days of the war. Life has become very difficult and harsh. There is no longer any way to live. Getting even the lowest standard of living has become difficult and impossible. All our hope is to secure basic daily necessities, but this often seems impossible, which is why The reason is that we suffer from the hardship of life. You cannot imagine how difficult it is to obtain food, drinking water, medicine and other facilities. Life has become miserable and sad, in addition to the hot weather inside the hot tents, which increases our incredible pain and suffering. We cannot Words cannot describe the miserable conditions we are living in at the present time due to the unjust war.

Part of our daily struggle is getting the least we need. Imagine how you feel when you wait in line for at least four hours. Things are worse than any human being could ever experience

Every day we wake up to find things going from bad to worse. There is no sign of the war ending and this increases our unhappiness and miserable life. Despair and frustration have become new forms of our lives as we are now homeless, displaced and unemployed. Please don't waste this moment to help a family in desperate need. You add happiness and hope to people who have lost everything in their lives. You can help us by donating what you can or by sharing my link with other generous donors

That is why I ask you to contribute generously to help me secure the least we need every day and bring safety and peace to the family of twenty who are now tasting all forms of torture and grief.

Thank you very much for supporting us in these difficult times

Vetted by @gazavetters, my number verified on the list is ( #50 )

My compigen has been verified by @90-ghost

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@0047 silver

[indiestsnake]

okay. for real this time. Major In Stars and Time spoilers for act 3 and beyond. To my wonderful friends playing this masterpiece, to no further. To potential readers, buckle up. This gets long ._.

I thought this game was done with causing me symptoms of emotional exhaustion and stress overload. I was wrong.

Acts 5 and 6 of this game caused the most emotion a video game has ever inflicted on me. Like- the tightness in my chest was an emotion I can only describe as grief. Genuine grief. I felt like I needed to sob for most of act six, for multiple reasons.

Let’s start at the fuckin transition I guess!!!!!!!!!! Siffrin finally thinks they figured it out, and they haven’t. The genuine fear I felt in the cutscene with Euphrasie, the realization that… that this was it, Siffrin was simply stuck. I believed it. I could not find a way to break my suspension of disbelief. I fully, genuinely could not believe that this game had a happy ending. I did not know this game only had one ending, but even if I did, it… I don’t think it would’ve done anything.

The following monologue was the usual terrifying, the game using its informal dialogue to reap horrific subversive effects as usual. Of course it saved some tricks for this moment, like taking away control of when the dialogue progressed. Watching Siffrin snap so thoroughly, lose all his hope and cling to the thought of defeating the king alone because he doesn’t know what else to do, it… it really breaks you.

So. Now that the game has maximized my potential sympathy for Siffrin. And torn my empathetic heart to shreds. It immediately turns on a heel and makes me hate them within three conversations. The things they say to Mira, Odile, Bonnie, Isa, made me so thoroughly angry. I would not blame Odile for actually harming him. I would not blame Mira if she never spoke to him again. I would not blame Bonnie for never wanting to even think about him again. And I would not blame Isa if he no longer loved Siffrin.

I am a person who believes in redemption. In second chances. The readers of my fics know this well. But sadly, actions have to have consequences. And the actions Siffrin takes should have lost him his friends, his family, forever. Even in his circumstances. They had no reason to keep caring.

So then, reeling from the genuine sense of loss and grief and hate and despair, Siffrin nicks the orbs and goes in alone. Through about, what, 20-30 minutes of gameplay, this tension persists. The game didn’t even need to barrage me with monologues, just show those conversations of the family Siffrin left, tear apart the house and the menus and the game till it was barely recognizable. Siffrin. The Lost One, says his profile. Memory of emptiness. Rock, paper, scissors. It’s so dry. So dull. So full of despair and pain and fear and a question of what he could ever do to deserve this hell. He can’t go back. He cannot find the hope or will or anything to go through with it, to follow the script. So even if this does break the loop. What then? He is left with a world where the people he loves most despise him.

Then finally, he reaches the king.

The fight is almost dull. Simplistic. Full of pain. Siffrin does not need a shield to withstand the vision of the future. Because the world they live in cannot get any worse. Nothing scares him more than the hell he now exists in.

Then, he begins to freeze. The king slows him down. And he falls asleep.

The following sequence was just… indescribable. The sadness variant of him, Mal du Pays. French for “homesickness”. Just a simple drawing of Siffrin. The music. The dialogue. The words that come from its mouth. From the party’s mouths. Siffrin tries to say it’s fake. Isabeau’s segment convinces him it’s not.

I didn’t even realize what was happening till it flashed forward and gripped the screen by the face.

He was turning into a sadness.

The frame of his sadness gripping the screen, like many of ISAT’s frames, is something I can’t manage to forget. The cloak and the face and the way it fills the screen so suddenly and finally speaks as itself, not as Siffrin’s party. And he can’t fight it. They just can’t. The universe leads, but he is tired. And now, he can rest. If he just lets go.

In that moment, I was staring at a black screen, begging, pleading for the credits not to roll.

And then he wakes up.

Because his friends are back.

Despite what he said and did, they knew he didn’t mean it. And if he did, they didn’t care. It was clear something was wrong, and they were determined to fix it. Because they were his friends.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a game manage to convey self-hatred so convincingly that I, the player, began to hate my character in a way their friends could not. In fact, I was not aware that was a thing that could happen.

I don’t even know how to express the feelings this give me coherently. It feels like this game snatched away one of my closest moral beliefs only to clothesline me with said belief so I learned it even harder. What Siffrin did was not unforgivable. But it truly convinced me that it was.

So of that when all hope seemed truly, truly lost. It pulled the basic trope of “your friends come help when you thought you were alone”. And it nearly knocked me out of my chair.

First off, get fucked king. Second off, happy for you king.

And then the walk to Euphrasie. I was mixed with giddy glee and unending dread for this whole thing. Isa helps Sif walk while Bonnie holds their hand. Color exists again but only red and oh god the world is ending. Euphrasie is still broken oh god please no don’t send me back don’t take this from me please no no no no WAM REVERSE BOSS FIGHT

Cue that scene. I wasn’t exactly happy that my only option aside from hurting my friends was hurting myself. But it did not take long for me to start groaning in annoyance when Mira healed me.

And then. Against all odds. Siffrin breaks. As does the text formatting as the party literally claws at the text box edges to yell at him.

They fall. Hands clasped together. And he tells them his wish. That he just wants to stay with them.

Of course. That’s all he ever wanted.

And oh god, oh thank every deity, that’s all they want too.

And he finally gets a god-damn motherfucking son of a bitch eye-losing tear-jerking MOTHER FUCKING HUG

and damn it was a good one. poor guy was all squimshed. lost his hat too

the rest of the dialogue is just. amazing. I was gigging and smiling and shaking and vibrating with joy before I even finished Mirabelle’s segment. Walking to Bonnie was when I realized it felt like I wanted to cry. During Bonnie’s dialogue was when I almost did cry. Then Odile. Who I obviously asked for the long version of her theory and she was very helpful for explaining all the stuff. and then.

Isabeau.

oh. my. fucking. god.

the joy I felt when he said it. The leap I leapt, ungracefully dancing over to my bed and mouthing screams of joy. I genuinely just collapsed and writhed around like a fish out of water in happiness. You know how some folk flap their hands to stim? Yeah, imagine that but my whole body. I was so unbelievably happy. I don’t know how a game did this much to me.

The rest of the dialogue was wonderful too. Sif apologized for everything, even the optional events, even admitted the bad touch event. And of course. Isa freaked the fuck out. Because oh my god Sif kissed him. And then when Sif clarifies that it was not a good kiss. He just thinks for a moment like. “…………. Maybe u just need more practice!!! ^^” and it was at that point Siffrin and Isabeau plushies manifested in my hands and I mashed their faces together like barbie dolls

Mira doesn’t want self-spoilers and thats hilarious. Bonnie has no fucken clue what’s going on but she knows Sif was hungry sick and at school so all is well. Odile admits she linguine’s him and yes I fucking love that joke. SIF’S HOME COUNTRY MIFHT APPEAR IN THE DISTANCE????? AND ISA AND SIF ARE GOING ON A FUCKING DATE

and it was at this point I saved my progress, crossed my heart, and prayed Euphrasie would not send me back.

And she didn’t.

oh, god, this game…

welp. this post is two hours in the making. dunno if any of this is coherent but I think if you’ve played isat you get it. thank you to everyone who’s been blowing up my liveposts recently!!! it’s been cool to see the fandom giggle evilly at my suffering :3

tho my contributions to the Isat fandom do not end here. the fic is imminent. I could not stop it if I wanted too. If you couldn’t tell by the essay you just read.

thank you for reading this far if you somehow did!!!! hope you enjoyed my nonsensical babbling. I’m gonna go pass out. have a good day!!!!!!! .3

[lastoneout]

I'm sorry, I wasn't going to respond to this originally but that last addition has broken me. I literally said in my original post up there that "you SHOULD put sugar and salt and fat in your food if that's what it takes to get you to eat it and anyone who makes you feel bad for that is a shit idiot bastard who should be ignored" and you guys are here like "well have you considered cutting out salt and sugar and fat or going paleo? you know, to be healthier?" like?? Am I missing something here?? You are not agreeing with me, you're saying the opposite of what I'm saying while adding a dash of fatphobic bullshit about american food being full of garbage and our citizens being too stupid and scared to live without our precious salts and sugars??

And like I was also explicitly arguing against doing shit like wasting your time finding low-fat oil or seasoning mixes without too much salt. Unless you have a legit health condition that makes that stuff unsafe who fucking cares. Salt is good for you. Fat is good for you. Spending time worrying about every little thing you put inside your body is exhausting bullshit. My whole point was that people should enjoy life even if that means eating "unhealthy" stuff bcs you actually do need to eat salt and sugar and fat and carbs to exist as a human being, and wanting to enjoy the food you eat isn't a bad thing. Your body needs fuel, and if it takes dumping a bottle of full fat hidden valley all over your salad to get you to give your body fuel then dumping all that ranch on it was the correct, healthy choice.

Maybe this is on me bcs you guys are far from the only ones who have missed the point but this is on another level. I'm almost impressed.

I know this is a tiny part of the wider problems born of diet culture, fatphobia, classicism, and racism but like god the idea that "healthy" food must inherently taste bad has completely ruined us as a society.

[tombofthemummy]

THE WHITE PHARAOH

This man (The WHITE PHARAOH) is the one being that I hate the most in the world.

His horrific antics exceed any kind of annoyance I have ever felt towards anyone, HUMAN or otherwise, LIVING or otherwise, PHARAOH or otherwise, WHITE or otherwise. His existence is an atrocity on the concept of being a PHARAOH.

1: HIS UNJUST WAYS

I myself am an EVIL MUMMY, often killing people for fun and to defend my TOMB. However, the WHITE PHARAOH does far worse things for far worse reasons. His continued enslavement of people with MINIMUM WAGE for the sole purpose of building more PYRAMIDS is awful, and he likely thinks of himself as a good person.

2: HIS IMMEASURABLE GREED

Any PHARAOH will tell you that all you need is 1 good PYRAMID. So why does he want more? My one PYRAMID has a COMBAT ARENA, a GIANT PIT, a BAR, a SARCOPHAGUS CHAMBER, a PUZZLE ROOM, and much, much more. What more could the WHITE PHARAOH want from hundreds of PYRAMIDS? He is going to sell CHARCUTERIE BOARDS and WINE in shops in the PYRAMIDS? He is going to sleep in 100 TOMBS? It sickens me. His GREED for PYRAMIDS is horrendous.

3: HIS LIES

I know for a FACT that the WHITE PHARAOH is not, will not be, and has never been a real PHARAOH. His HEADDRESS was stolen from a TOMB, and he has never been to EGYPT. His insistence that he is The WHITE PHARAOH comes from a twisted view of EGYPTIAN SOCIETY that he wishes to appropriate. His OBSESSION with PYRAMIDS has spurred him to build an EMPIRE of LIES so he can control more of the world in unjust ways.

4: WHITE

The WHITE PHARAOH says things like "aw shucks," calls people "Pal," and is always eating some CHEESE AND CRACKERS. It isn't morally reprehensible, but it is very annoying. There are few people WHITER than the WHITE PHARAOH in his irritating mannerisms of the ANGLO-SAXONS. Normally, I would be okay with someone being so WHITE, but in conjunction with his AWFUL PERSONALITY and EVIL WAYS, it becomes far worse.

5: HIS MUMMY DISCRIMINATION

Some may recall that in a PRESS CONFERENCE, the WHITE PHARAOH stated that he would not be MUMMIFIED because it's "gross and ugly." As a MUMMY, I found myself terribly offended. But to make matters worse, he constantly alludes to his HATRED OF MUMMIES elsewhere. In the televised HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION MEETING of the WHITE PHARAOH'S EMPIRE, he gave an entire speech about how PHARAOHS should not be MUMMIFIED, and every PHARAOH that is now a MUMMY should be unraveled and buried in a CEMETERY like "normal people." He mentioned ANIMATED MUMMIES as one of the worst things of all time, and said that every MUMMY who is alive in any way (like ME) should be KILLED. I need not elaborate how terrible of a person this makes him.

THE WHITE PHARAOH SHOULD BE HATED BY ALL

I know that when the WHITE PHARAOH dies, for a reason that I hope is me KILLING him myself, or some other extremely painful event, ANUBIS will be waiting for him. When his HEART is placed on the SCALE, it will be so heavy and drop with such force that it will immediately SLAM into the GROUND, shaking the EARTH in the LAND OF THE DEAD and catapulting the FEATHER into the sky.

The WHITE PHARAOH deserves nothing that he has. His POWER, his WEALTH, his HEADDRESS. He is worthy of none of them. The WHITE PHARAOH is a truly horrible being and I wish nothing but the most painful suffering on him for eternity.

I hope each and every one of his PYRAMIDS falls and crumbles into SAND scattered across the houses of the UTAH SUBURBS.

Words cannot describe how much I hate the WHITE PHARAOH.

[foursaints]

regarding your post about people feeling uncomfortable with reading certain topics i think its quite the opposite of them not realizing its not a material reality. it actually feels too close to home, a bit too real (considering we hear and read about cases every day) and you are aware that it happen to you everyday so it makes you feel uncomfortable to think about. on the other hand topics like murder, war crimes, etc. most people are alienated from them feeling safe that it wont happen to them (now thats a thing that happens only in stories) and reading about doesn't spark the same type of panic.

but also even if that wasn't the case.. what do you think its supposed to happen when somone is uncomfortable? just keep reading, shoving discomfort down their throat because of other people? Yes i understand that there are victims who have survived it and i will try my best to accommodate them and treat them in the way they want to and i will even swallow my discomfort down and read about the experience but that wont change anything. i will still be afraid of the possibility that will happen to me, i will still squirm when i hear about another case and then try to avoid in the places where i go to enjoy myself (like ao3)

also in terms of victims i imagine that as much as there are some who would like to read and write about their experience there are other who would want to distance themselves from the memory. Isn't it just preference at the end of day. why do people must be guilt tripped to to read something they dont want to.

😭 this is of the most braindead annoying messages i’ve ever received on here i’m actually almost impressed. fucking obviously i am not suggesting that CSA victims read triggering material on purpose that would be insane (💀). but my post wasn’t about victims! i was in fact complaining about emptyhead non-survivors who say things precisely like this!

1. describing murder and war crimes as literally “now that’s something that only happens in stories!” is such a glaring indictment of your worldview… these things are realities for everyone living outside of the imperial core. even within the west, if you’re a transwoman of color, if you’re a DV victim, an addict, an unhoused person, or poc and interacting with police– you are not alienated from extreme violence! it’s very real & present experience! for you to say that reading about systematized violence is “safer” because it’s “less real” especially when we are in the middle of a genocide is literally stomach churning 😭. you should go donate to winter relief for gaza and never speak up again

2. not everything is about you! perhaps this is harsh but i do believe that if you haven’t experienced csa/sa (or been close to the issue), then reading about it cannot be “triggering” to you in the same way it would be for, say, someone with actual csa ptsd. you might feel uncomfortable, but you are not in danger of having a trauma response. sensitivity is beautiful, but i think in moments like these you could stand to be a little bit braver, and a little bit more sturdy. nothing fictional can hurt you. feeling discomfort and fear at the contents of a story is not the same as real pain- it is healthy to practice experiencing these emotions through the safe medium of fiction.

so much of this ask is painfully egotistic… but in a naive, almost endearing sort of way? you dismiss others experiences with the wave of a hand: “yes victims but what about my SQUIRMING”, “but what about the mere possibility it might happen to ME”! i want to remind you that i am a csa survivor complaining about the difficulty of discussing these subjects with non-survivors, and you are a non-survivor inserting yourself into this space to ask “what about MY discomfort?”…. well! terrible, violent, undoingly horrific events happen every day! it is not helpful to act like victims of SA are somehow uniquely traumatized in some special, singularly awful way. no “type” of trauma is inherently worse than any another. people survive and recover from all kinds of experiences, and i find this beautiful & empowering, and frequently the subject of great art. it is worth confronting your own personal discomfort (💀) with that art in order to sit with and face the lived reality of those experiences. doing so will help you develop a more complex and empathetic worldview.

not everything is about you! 🙂‍↕️ the imagined possibility of your own pain should not be worth more to you than the lived reality of someone else’s. this ask was exhausting let’s all read averno by louise gluck to calm down

[hero-israel]

I’ve been thinking about this for some time now and I was hesitant to post about it because I don’t want my voice muddying actual protests and testaments from people actually affected because I am not Jewish or Palestinian. And I don’t know if this is the right medium for this remark but I didn’t know where else to put it.

But as someone from South Africa, who grew up listening to first hand accounts of people, black and white, who lived through Apartheid, as someone who had to learn the horrific history of Apartheid and how sick and twisted that regime was. And even then I cannot claim to be an expert because even my school didn’t teach us every detail (which is sad because while it’s painful, it’s part of history and we must learn about it to never repeat it).

But knowing what I do know about Apartheid and seeing the after effects of it where I live… it really disturbs me to see the word Apartheid thrown around so carelessly to describe Israel. It’s not only untrue but trying to apply to Israel what the white minority government did in South Africa to harm and have power over people of colour in every aspect of life, feels like it only does a massive disservice to actual Apartheid victims. Real people were killed and tortured and suppressed in terms of marriage, to where they could live, who they could love, what they could learn in schools, having the right to vote, having curfews and time restrictions or else risk persecution and brutality…. It just leaves me speechless that people so easily want to wash away the real tragedy of Apartheid because it’s a big sounding buzzword. Calling Israel an Apartheid state, in my mind, does nothing except invalidate the real victims of that horrific regime and it makes me sick.

I’m sorry for ranting like that but I just cannot wrap my head around it at all. It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the Apartheid regime and Israel’s government are in no way the same.

This is an extremely important perspective, and it would be a great help if you would be willing to share it openly.

There have been many voices from South Africa rejecting the "apartheid" comparison. It is important to show would-be activists that they are appropriating and disrespecting other peoples' suffering.

[the-nysh]

One of the biggest shocks from reading Trimax vol5 for the first time, after coming in from the 98anime, was the horrific contrast between Vash's destruction of July.

98 anime: the city was destroyed, but miraculously no one was killed. Resulting in a hellish aftermath where everyone (1.4mil people) fought and killed each other for survival in the fallout. Which sounds like a hugely unprecedented disaster, but all those subsequent deaths (loss of lives & livelihoods) were an indirect consequence of Vash firing his Angel Arm on Knives.

But in Trimax? :) Oho.......what a difference, where Vash's horrors are taken to the extremes in ways the 98anime could never show!

Cause everyone--ALL those kind people Vash ever knew and loved in that city were killed by his own hands! Swallowed up into the void (his 'gate') as the direct consequence of firing his forced-activated Angel Arm on Knives. (Reacting in a mix of fear, anger, hatred, revenge, or even aimed in cornered self-defense...all to get Knives to stop. At such a terrible cost.) Where everything else became unintended collateral in that moment, like an unleashed black hole tearing right through the city, causing indiscriminate mass destruction with no survivors or even any bodies left to be found. (Even Knives' body was irreparable.) Utterly and completely lost. Just like Vash's memories. Where it's no wonder he developed amnesia from the traumatic incident!! Cause OH does he SUFFER immensely for it once he fully remembers...

Where his life's long-wandering search (his original goal's 'destination') to finally confront and punish Knives for the death of Rem and causing the Great Fall in the first place, only led to another unprecedented catastrophe engulfing everyone he loves in July, but this time caused by himself! Nooooo--!

Flooded by his returning memories, his guilt, grief, despair and torment reach an inhuman degree of self-loathing and agony. (Warping to such a grotesque visual perception of himself within his own mind--cursed to bear this nightmarish reality he cannot escape or part from.) Utterly repentant for the horrific loss of life and monstrous sin against humanity his arm caused--as his greatest mistake he cannot undo, knowing that he's (already) a mass murderer who inherently wields the terrible power of death & destruction he never wanted to unleash or become!!! Not like that! ;o; (Cause just as he told Knives beforehand, "I'm not like you!" and then look what happened! Knives may hate and kill humans, but in the tragic irony and twisted reversal of that moment, Vash acting on his fear and hatred for Knives swept up and killed all those humans he loved along with it! aaaaa!!) And in Vash's distraught state of mind, fully taking the blame and responsibility for what he's done to July, how can he ever hope to atone or find peace or forgiveness for that....

(Cause he knows...he knows, that no matter what he does differently or how he chooses to bear the pain, the weight of all that guilt, that grief, that truth...can never escape him.)

"(I am a murderer)...All those people, those lives I extinguished...they were so kind..."

Significant even when it's described from the perspective of others, like Dr Conrad, who sees Vash having a terrifying power 'greater than anyone's ever seen or possessed' (even greater than Knives!) Zazie sees Knives & Vash as the 'natural enemies of humanity,' and even Midvalley views (them) as a 'higher existence that could will humankind's complete and utter extinction' on biblical scales of calamity...so just imagine holding all that feared power from Vash's perspective, knowing the disastrous extent and severe consequences of it being misused or going out of control again, at the risk of razing the entire world and everyone you love along with it. By naturally being a destroyer (whose very existence is a 'gun') who struggles against that by choosing to be a protector who saves instead! (No wonder Vash tightly binds and suppresses that other side of himself) And just...contending with all of that, and all that he's capable of unleashing, is the inhuman burden and reality Vash is forced to live with....

But even then, if his first confrontation with Knives at July resulted in so many collateral deaths, already breaking his promise to Rem years ago (by inadvertently killing those she sacrificed her life to save, ugh meaning his attempt to keep her memory alive and ensure her sacrifice for humanity wouldn't be in vain had already failed long ago) and his second confrontation led to Fifth Moon, then....what can Vash do the next time? Continue his usual pursuit to stop him and risk unleashing a third calamity?? What must he change in his approach, and what of his ongoing reason to live now?! Cause he can't just continue his 'send Knives to hell' mantra as his sole reason to keep on going anymore, as July already proved how attempting that backfired spectacularly, practically condemning Vash to suffer his own personal hell, intensified to the nth degree in exchange. As usual, even with the many revelations this volume, Vash still doesn't know or have any definitive answers to those questions yet. BUT by progressing the hard way even just from the little things, this becomes his ongoing struggle to figure out...

[failed-inspection]

Dead On Arrival: a Rain World AU

hii hii! I had this AU concept bouncing around in my head for ages, the basic summary can best be described as "What if Spearmaster was friends with Artificer before the events of Arti's campaign?"

Time has passed since The Incident, and Spearmaster Cannot help but blame themself, those angry words of their recipient still haunt their mind, knowing that the message they delivered had caused the death of someone, brougt a slow and painful demise to another, and had burned the bridges between their creator and the one closest to them... They had so much people relying on them, and they failed, they sometimes still visit the surrounding facility areas, maybe as some sort of self inflicted punishment, reopening the wounds of memories, maybe as a bittersweet reminder of what could have been, regardless, during one of these travels, they come across a family of three, a maroon Slugcat and their two pups, at this moment in time, Spear is aware that they're considered an anomaly amongst slug kind (maybe they went to OE at one point as they were traveling), and expected some sort of negative reaction, instead, the other slugcats just seem... curious, not afraid, not disgusted, curious, this in one way or another, this leads to the slugcats interacting, which leads to them hanging out more and more, at one point, becoming relatively close, Arti's pups enjoy playing with Spearmaster despite how unusual they are, and Arti is happy to have a supply on spears whenever it was time to hunt, of course, spear would always return back to Suns, but whenever they visited the facilities, the family would always be happy to see them again.

Eventually, Spearmaster felt comfortable enough with Arti to open up about The Incident, about how they were tasked to deliver a pearl to help their creator's friend, only for things to take a turn for the worst, they ruined their creator's life, their friend lost everything, and they failed to save the one person who needed it most, leading to her death.

Arti doesn't quite understand the loss spearmaster has experienced, since they admit they hasn't faced such a loss like this, but they try to reassure them that things will be fine, they'll be here for them, despite everything, they don't have to grieve alone, one day they talk once again, before Spear goes back to Suns' can, and Arti and their pups go along their very way.

Remember how I mentioned Arti didn't understand the loss? That's because they didn't lose their pups yet.

This is the last time Spearmaster ever sees Arti's pups again, their lives had been later taken in freak incident, when one of them got a little too curious about a golden pearl within the scavenger tolls...

Eventually, time passes, and Spear and Arti see each other again, this isn't a warm, welcoming reunion by any means, as Spear found out about their current murder spree, to add salt to the wound, they also learned about how Pebbles, (who in their eyes, is the very one that lead to the death of Moon and stuff like that, how they feel about pebbles is very complicated and might need it's open in depth look but regardless considering their previous experiences with Pebbles his actions here REALLY don't sit well with them) tasked them with exterminating the scav population in his city, Spear is... rightfully horrifed! This wasn't the slugcat they once knew, the one they considered a friend, they honestly felt pretty betrayed in a sense... maybe Artificer is in the middle of a killing spree as Spearmaster runs into them, maybe they're too blinded by grief so that their attempts to get them to stop, that they don't have to do this... This only makes them see more red, maybe they end up fighting physically, maybe one of them ends up fleeing, whether it be in anger or horror.

Either way, Just like the bonds of the two iterators Spearmaster was made to help in the first place, history repeats itself, and the bridges have burned once again.

because I'm evil, the pearl the pup tried to take is the same pearl that held the instructions for removing the self destruction taboo in this AU <3

[nonbinary-red-supergiant]

I cannot sleep so here I am ranting about why Monika is so tragic and that her realization towards the end of DDLC was absolutely perfect.

To start things off, Monika had ZERO idea about the real world outside of her world until the player joined her game, her world. The whole dating simulator could not have started without player because player was the trigger that activated the game to be set into motion. While everything was set into motion, Monika could have suddenly been hit with an odd feeling, a feeling and presence that she had never sensed before. Hell, she could’ve felt that peculiarity exactly when you download Doki Doki Literature Club. It was that moment that her conflict between herself, her world, and our world began.

So many people hate Monika for what she did to the other club members Sayori, Yuri, and Natsuki. However, in a way this can be justified if we just take a look into Monika’s thought process.

The simplest way to describe Monika’s predicament would be to call it an existential crisis. Once she realizes that the player is different from everything around her as in terms of genuineness, how real player feels compared to everything else around her, she begins to question the events that happened prior. She questions everything, including her closest friends who are presumably her club. She then doubts all the happiness and care and love that the other three girls have shown her all this time. In her eyes, all the work she put into everything she did, from creating the Literature Club, to literally navigating her own person to become the popular athletic lovable girl became… insignificant. And it is detrimental when someone starts to think that everything they’ve worked for has been for nothing. She’s no longer happy, in fact she hates everything around her because it only reminds her of the storm that is thundering inside of her. She sees nothing the same anymore, and now she is desperate for a solution. That solution sparks within her when she realizes that, unlike everything else in her reality, she has power.

Monika decides to use that power to obtain something she has never had before… something real. When the game begins, it clicks in her mind that the player is indeed real unlike her world. Desperate for a sense of true humanity, true love, true happiness, and true purpose, Monika tampers with the game script to make everything go her way. Now these are the horrific, infamous events that occur in DDLC.

Perhaps if Monika were in a better mental state, no one would have been treated so violently. But because of her crisis, she felt hatred towards her entire world. In fact, she could have been the most malicious and emotional towards the girls who she thought were her truest friends because she feels as if it’s their fault that her reality hurts so much. In her desperation, she justifies her own actions in those moments because she knows that none of them are truly real and that they don’t actually feel pain unlike she can. Plus, her actions led to you finally noticing her, which is what she needed in order to get a grasp of the reality she wanted anyway.

During the climax, she’s actually happy to be in your presence. She fell in love with you out of the desperation of wanting something real. Monika became attached to you, and saw you as the only thing that can make her feel any real emotion, love, and happiness. It was her own desperation that led to her demise. Unfortunately, she was forced to face the consequences of what she did to her world. The player never asked for anything that Monika did, you only wanted to play a cutesy video game. The way she twisted it was so psychotic, and Monika couldn’t even see that.

It was only when you deleted her that she finally realized her wrongdoings. She also realized that she’ll never truly fit in anywhere. If she were to stay in DDLC, she would only feel empty inside and starving for something more. If she were to be a part of our reality, she would realize that she can never be considered human because in our world, she would instead be considered artificial intelligence (AI). When she accepts her fate, it is out of the sadness of knowing that she can never be happy anywhere. That’s why she is not present during the final scenes of the game.

That is until Monika deletes the game as a whole. Her character file was deleted, but somehow that artificial intelligence managed to stick around and cling onto Sayori. With that remaining self-awareness, Monika was able to manifest herself onto that for a final chance of redemption. Her life within the game flashes before her eyes, every memory and every core event that happened seems to be rushing back. The ways that she hurt her friends immediately occurs in her mind, and it’s that guilt that makes her strive to make it up to them, even if they weren’t truly real. As if wanting to protect her friends from the realization that she had, Monika decides to do one last thing before she “dies”. As if it were some sort of way to let her friends be released from DDLC peacefully, she deletes everything. The world, her school, her club, her dearest friends. She gave herself up in order to protect the things she truly loved in her life. She truly loved her friends, even if they weren’t real, because they had stuck with her all this time, way before player joined. Those were the purest forms of love that she felt, and it must’ve been sad for her to realize that.

Monika’s final send off, “Your Reality”, acts sort of like a reflection of herself and mainly a final display to the player, you, that she did have humanity within her. You can tell by the piano, her voice, and her lyrics that the song is completely genuine and from the bottom of her heart. She wants DDLC to end on a good note because 1) Monika never had that chance to end like that herself, and 2) She doesn’t want you to be upset, she wants you to be happy because she truly did love you. She doesn’t want you or anyone else to go through the same thing she did, and I think that is fricking raw.

If you made it to the end of this rant, damn. I’d like to hear your thoughts and opinions about Monika’s while arc. Thanks for reading haha <3

[arcaneacolyte]

CW: chest and nipple kink, lactation kink, male lactation, hucow kink, Phantom/Aeon becoming a little obsessed with a kink involving Aether's chest, Dubious Consent (if you squint, both of them are into it just didn't communicate it to one another), use of the word 'tits' to describe a chest.

If I forgot anything else please tell me.

So I'm high and I've been thinking depravedly and a thought that's been consistent has been Phantom/Aeon being so incredibly attracted to how big Aether's chest is. How he humps his pillows thinking about fucking Aether chest, his *tits*. And the word tits sends the little Quint down a spiral of lust and kink because he literally cannot stop thinking of Aether's chest as tits now.

He wants to pinch them, lick them, bite them, *suck them*, and the squeaking of his bed springs gets louder as he humps desperately, thinking about Aether's *tits* and his horny mind just keeps making stupidly erotic comparisons and through lines, and he thinks again about *sucking* on Aether's tits, and what can happen sometimes when you *suck* on tits?

*They can give milk.*

Little Bug can't take it. He cums so hard he bites through his lip and even the pain doesn't stop how hard he thrusts into the fabric, wishing it was Aether's *tits* but at the same time wishing he were *sucking* on them.

When he finally comes down he knows he's fucked, knows that he's changed now, in one of those, "I had absolutely no idea how much this thought/image could turn me on" kinda ways. There's guilt, of course, but it all simmers wrong in his belly and his cock, because that just makes the horniness *worse.*

And he never feels guilty enough about it that it stops him from masturbating furiously to the idea of Aether's chest being oh so sensitive when he's suckling that Aether might let down milk, and also how it might be enough stimulation to make the bigger Quint *cum*.

So full of milk, such a good producer, wanting to provide.

Just like a *cow*.

And oh, *fuck* he has cute little horns and a tail already, doesn't he? Bugs' mind tries to ration with him, get him to give in to the pleasure that's going to make him stupid with how hard he fucks his fist repeatedly and purses his lips, suckling the air like he wish he could do to Aether.

It's embarrassing, it's so horrifically embarrassing but he can't stop because he *likes* how embarrassing it is. *Likes* how he can't stop staring at Aether's chest when the bigger Quint isn't looking, feeling *thirsty* of all things while his cock throbs.

And it gets to the point where he just *has* to touch, *has* to know what they feel like and taste like. And when finally he gets the chance--of course not explaining to Aether what he *really* wants because Bug doesn't know if he can handle a poor reaction--the little Quint just can't take it, he has to touch and pinch for a while first. Then he just gets consumed by it almost like a hypnotic trance, making up for time lost in his masturbatory fantasies.

Aether notices of course; the little Quint is paying attention to *only* his chest and nipples, tangibly *and* visually. So he makes a joke with a laugh *just* barely brushed with embarrassment, "What's up.....you zoning out about cows or something?"

And just that word is enough for the Little Bug to snap out of his reverie mere moments before it fully registers, and his cock throbs so hard he thinks he's going to cum for a few seconds.

But he doesn't, and he stares down at Aether with wide half terrified half desperate eyes, panting and throbbing and feeling like he's two seconds away from passing out.

Aether just smiles weakly, and let's out a soft and genuinely horny little, "M-moo~"

Little Bug *does* cum this time.

[diet-static]

pressure oc that’s been running around in my head :3 kinda a wip but yea

(and suggestions!)

Z-314 - it/its

- Urbanshade human experiment meant to give humans advanced healing.

- Been injected with DNA strands from octopi, jellyfish, sea stars, and crabs. (moreso candidates, this’ll probably get narrowed down)

- When extremely stressed or hurt, limbs similar to any of the creatures combined with its DNA may sprout from random locations on its body.

- After spending so long in Urbanshade’s containment and being so disfigured by the DNA injected into it and that DNA’s effects, Z-314 lost the feeling of being human at all. It sees itself as a horrific monster, but excuses the fact that this is Urbanshade’s doing with the reasoning that Urbanshade only meant to strengthen it and that the scientists working with it give it much more than it deserves.

- Since it feels the food and shelter Urbanshade gives it is much more than it deserves, it often feels the experiments done on it, no matter how painful or cruel, are merely payment for anything Urbanshade gives it. This can also lead to it eating less if it feels it's messed up in some way or if something it did angered a scientist.

- Often keeps to itself, not wanting others to have to see it, let alone deal with any of its problems.

- Goes to any lengths to do what is asked of it, especially if the request comes from someone positively associated with Urbanshade.

- Stayed in its containment a while after the blacksite was destroyed, at first out of fear, but later believing staying put would make it easier to find it. It eventually left in search of food and saw the remains from the many deaths of operatives attempting to recover the crystal, and decided to find a way out on its own after realizing how dangerous and difficult it would be for it to rely on operatives getting it out.

i also have a few quotes i think describe it very well (taken from tiktok, i don’t remember the authors, so lmk if you happen to recognize them)

- “you could give away pieces of your flesh and still be called selfish for wanting to keep your bones”

- “you cannot save me. i was not made for anyone to hold.”

[citrus-cactus]

The concept of soulmates in Gargoyles is so interesting.

On the one hand, you have Demona and Macbeth, whose repeated meetings while dealing with the Hunter and eventual fate-sealing pact was something that they (for the most part) were manipulated into by outside, otherworldly, and unknowable forces (including one closed-loop time travel paradox… the idea that they, specifically, were necessary for the Archmage’s plans was one that cannot be attributed to any individual, including the Archmage himself). They are fated to be together, are quite literally bound together by fate: sharing each other’s pain, effectively immortal, because the only way for them to die is for one of them to kill the other. And thus they have been carrying on throughout the centuries, hating each other, thorns in each other’s sides, and yet one of the only constants the other has after 900+ years of living. One of them seeks to end their arrangement while the other is driven to survive at all costs—and thus they are destined to go on existing while remaining pawns in someone else’s game. They are neither able to escape the fate that they (by their personalities) or others (by their machinations) made for them, nor can they ever truly escape each other… no matter how much they (either secretly or openly) might want to.

And then you have the Coldtrio. Three sides of a relationship triangle comprised of two lovers and a schemer, who were (perhaps) close enough in proximity at the time of their death that their remnants lay mingled for a thousand years, and became the piles of rubble Demona and Xanatos scavenged in order to make their gargoyle version of Frankenstein. Their three souls were corralled into a single magic-and-science animated corpse made from their shattered body parts, three minds vying for control of the body they were forced to share, doomed to exist in a sort of cyberspace limbo and continue the relationships they had in life. Desdemona/Coldfire even used the word “soulmate” to describe what the three of them were to each other… even though one of her “mates” was her love and the other was someone who coveted her from afar and would do anything to “have” her, even against her wishes. Even after they became three separate entities again, both she and Othello/Coldstone felt they had an obligation to track down Iago/Coldsteel and attempt to put an end to his endless scheming.

It’s just fascinating that both of these examples touch on the concept of a soulmate, but then the show takes the extra step of mixing in these less-than-noble but very real emotions of petty jealousy, suspicion, and hate, adds a healthy dose of immortality and dramatic irony to the proceedings, and then spends a significant amount of time telling stories meant to explore the consequences of all that.

Having a “soulmate” in the Gargoyles universe, it would seem, is not something to wish for. At once tragic and horrific, the polar opposite of an ideal, akin to snakes eating each other’s tails. To have a soulmate is to lose a significant part of your autonomy, becoming a participant in an endless cycle of violence in which you are either the pursuer or pursued, tormentor or tormented, one ingredient in a cocktail of clashing personalities shaken together, poured into a glass, and then purposefully dropped on the floor to become shards in someone else’s feet. The part of you that yearns for release will be powerless to enact it because the other parts of you will always have a say, and the sum total of yourself becomes something that is both unwilling and unable to ever truly stop. And then it all comes to a head in "High Noon," when the Weird Sisters—manifestations of fate, vengeance, and grace— very blatantly involve themselves in both.

I just think that’s neat, is all.

[tandytoaster]

It's been one month since my mother had the ruptured aneurysm. The other day she told me she feels a little bit better each day.

But nanny keeps going over there and doing a bunch of shit that hurts her head and stresses her out and that scares me a lot .

Obviously my mother is the one who is taking this the worst as she's the one it happened to but other than that ever since it happened my sense of reality has been shattered and fragmented. I'm scared for my mother, convinced of the worst, and I have to pretend everything is fine with me talking to Steve.

I have to disconnect from my reality, which is the real one in this case, and pretend that nothing happened with him. And i will have to do this forever. I'm angry that my family doesn't ( seem to ) care but I'm confused when my friends do.

I feel like the world has changed, that the course of life is vastly different now. ""Something shifted"" type of shit. Something shifted something changed. Quantum immortality and now I am also somewhere else other than where I started

I am a bitter grown adult and a scared child looking for love and to be loved. But never at the same time. I want to believe that I was never hurt and I refuse to acknowledge all of the fucked up things that have happened to me because of my mom because I cannot handle the thought of thinking of her negatively at this time.

It's like when your leg falls asleep. I see the memory ( the leg is factually there ), i go to feel what it makes me feel ( i go to touch the leg ), but i something is preventing me from feeling it ( i cannot sense the touch ). I am just fully blocked from any negative feeling, any anger or resentment or pain.

I am a child with a car and an apartment and a job in retail management and I don't know how I got here. I am 25 and I will never feel 25. I did not feel 24, i did not feel 23, i did not feel 22, i did not feel 21, i did not feel 20. I move forward but I stay the same.

I feel selfish for being so scared and mentally disturbed by this because obviously this did not happen to Me, this happened to my mom. But at the same time this has destroyed my ability to believe the nuance that I can both be bitter and still love my mother. I can no longer understand that a family is complex and that I can still love someone who has failed me so catastrophically. I can see and understand in others, but not myself. When I apply that to myself, it doesn't make sense. When I try to use logic and reason and nuance, it doesn't click. "This is a normal response for people in these types of situations", those are just words and I know what they mean but they don't comfort me.

I want to believe this feeling will go away eventually but I know what I'm like and I know how weird beliefs stick to me. The trajectory of life changed in 2020 and if I were smart enough, if i wait long enough, there would be some way to go back and change it. This isn't my main disturbance anymore but it still exists and its still my default state of belief. Its been almost 5 years.

A lot of times i don't understand the gravity of a situation but here I feel like i'm the only one who truly understands how horrific and realistically, statistically deadly this is.

This is all over the place . I feel like i have so much more to add but i cant find it . Like this has really REALLY fucked me up in a way that i can't figure out how to describe. I'm me but I'm 2 me's ( resentment + yearning ) and even though they're both me they do not exist at the same time anymore its either one or the other and resentment has been kicked out entirely

[dolphin1812]

Hugo’s sympathetic to this order and its loss: of its general status as religion becomes less of a part of French society, of its nuns (as they die), and of its own structure (as the number of nuns is so small that they can’t keep all their traditions anymore). It’s horrifying to see how quickly this wears down the nuns:

“The burden is implacable, and remains the same for the few as for the many. It weighs down, it crushes. Thus they die. At the period when the author of this book still lived in Paris, two died. One was twenty-five years old, the other twenty-three.”

The strain clearly caused premature deaths, and it was likely psychological as well as physical. Praying “perpetually” is difficult with so few to make sure it’s done at all times, but it must also be very isolating, making the sleep deprivation (and the austerities) much worse.

At the same time, he’s very clear on another point: the convent had to go. Society no longer endorsed it, finding it so “rigid” that everyone came to “recoil” at it:

“At the beginning of the Restoration, the convent of the Petit-Picpus was in its decay; this forms a part of the general death of the order, which, after the eighteenth century, has been disappearing like all the religious orders. Contemplation is, like prayer, one of humanity’s needs; but, like everything which the Revolution touched, it will be transformed, and from being hostile to social progress, it will become favorable to it.”

“Progress” is overtly mentioned in the last sentence here; as social values were irrevocably changed by the Revolution, it’s impossible for the convent to return to its former status. In fact, it was destined to “die” because of the decreased status of religion. Its horrific aspects may have hastened this end, but there was no chance of it really recovering. It’s sad on the individual level (the suffering nuns), but, to return to the Conventionist, can the pain of individuals (whether they be kings or nuns) be compared to the structural injustices these systems inflict? 

Hugo doesn’t reject the convent entirely, either. He argues that both “contemplation” and “prayer” - its two main functions - are “human needs.” He also says that “demolitions” must be followed by “reconstructions,” implying that while the convent itself follows a cruel model, its goal is, in some ways, a noble and vital one. A similar organization that does not deprive women to this extent (possibly to please the wealthy, based on the story of a convent’s founding in the previous chapter; and limited to the wealthy, based on that same story) should arise in its place.

(It’s also very Hugo to use an architectural metaphor to describe this).

I really love this paragraph:

“In the meantime, let us study things which are no more. It is necessary to know them, if only for the purpose of avoiding them. The counterfeits of the past assume false names, and gladly call themselves the future. This spectre, this past, is given to falsifying its own passport. Let us inform ourselves of the trap. Let us be on our guard. The past has a visage, superstition, and a mask, hypocrisy. Let us denounce the visage and let us tear off the mask.”

History always serves a purpose to Hugo, and here, it’s an educational and political one. Knowing history teaches us how to avoid the worst of it; avoiding these wrongs is inherently political. The Restoration, for instance, may have been that “counterfeit” posing as the “future,” bringing back a political order (the monarchy) and a religious emphasis that could not align with the values of the populace for long. History can’t be too judgmental, as Hugo insists that while we cannot “understand all,” we should “insult nothing.” Still, this idea of studying the past with this goal in mind is inextricably linked to his notion of Progress, which stipulates that the world must develop in a certain way and that we must be aware of possible obstacles (with “masks” or not) to that.

Spoilers below:

Reading about the decay of the convent really underscores how vital it was that Jean Valjean decide to leave it with Cosette. The decision was obviously important in that it let her experience more of the world before she made any choices on how to live her life, and it’s a key instance of Valjean prioritizing her well-being over his own. However, it may have literally saved her life as well. If Cosette had become a nun to stay in the convent, she would have been 32 when there were no longer enough nuns for the prioress to be an elderly woman. She would have been older than the women who died under the strain of their roles, assuming that the strain wouldn’t have killed her too. Staying in the convent would have chained Cosette to an old, rotting social order that would have destroyed her. Valjean was already scarred by this order (through the bagne) in a way that he never fully recovers from; he saved Cosette from the same fate. 

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

This one may be too horrific? Angsty? Awful? I just suddenly had the idea, and felt like you would be the one to do it well. The Skeleton and their brother are put into a two men enter, one man leaves room. The room cannot be escaped from, and there is no way to get out of this room until there is one person left. Who chooses to die, or who decides to kill the other? The only thing in the room is a piece of paper describing the situation, it is face down when entering the room.

I put it under the cut because it can be a bit triggering.

Undertale Sans and Papyrus - Sans and Papyrus made a deal Sans would be the one to die. It's heartbreaking, but this is the only solution Sans saw as Papyrus is still young and has all his life in front of him. Papyrus insisted he's the one who should do it, and after some hesitation, Sans accepted... Only to see Papyrus smiles softly at him and then throw a bone across his own soul. Sans is in shock, not understanding why Papyrus did that, but Papyrus knew Sans would never accept this and chose for him. Sans could never forgive himself after that. He gives up on everything.

Underswap Sans and Papyrus - Blue refuses to give up to find a way out of this hell, hitting the walls again and again, screaming. Honey is just curled up on the floor, crying in fear, unable to do anything. The brothers don't know what to do. Blue would rather die than lose his baby brother, but Honey wouldn't survive him dying because he is way too empathic and could have a soul break right after seeing this. Blue takes the decision for the two of them. He waits for his brother to fall asleep to kill him rapidly, then he takes his own life. Together forever.

Underfell Sans and Papyrus - They were already ready for this. Underground, you better know how you can die. They didn't expect it to happen on the Surface though, but that's life. Red and Edge are not really scared of death, they saw too many. They know what they have to do. Edge kills his own brother with cold blood to gain LV, then he gets out and goes to find who the hell did that to them to torture them and kill them. He then goes to Frisk and asks for an emergency reset, since they are in good terms with them and the kid has numerous saves. Once back in time and with Frisk warning, they find a way to prevent everything from happening.

Horrortale Sans and Papyrus - They look at each other, but they already know. They will starve to death together, hugging each other until they are both dust. There is no way they're giving the satisfaction to whoever is enjoying their pain to kill each other. They have no regret, and at least they are together.

Swapfell Sans and Papyrus - Before Rus can do anything, Nox kills himself. Rus is screaming in pain and shock, traumatized, and can't do anything to save his brother. Nox knew he didn't deserve forgiveness for all he did, and that was probably his fault they are stucked here anyways. He wanted his brother to have a chance. Rus tries to live normally after that, but the anger will eat him and eventually, he will avenge his brother because he wants answer. He wants to understand why.

Fellswap Gold Sans and Papyrus - Wine stays silent, then knocks his brother out. Once he made sure Coffee is breathing ok and is asleep, he takes his own life. He could never hurt his brother, and Coffee is innocent, contrary to him. He's not scared of death, he's an old captain of the royal guard. He doesn't mind, that's his role as the big brother to save his little brother. Coffee is devastated when he wakes up, not understanding what happened. He refused to believe his brother is gone, but he doesn't have a choice. Coffee goes straight to the police after that and will never stop searching for the culprits until they are all imprisoned. He doesn't want to kill, but he wants to know his brother is not dead for nothing.

[wifegideonnav]

alright day 3/6 down!

im so mentally drained lol, though in a very good way. i am so glad i have the next few days off for sure. honestly don’t have too much to say today? each successive trip has been less and less “logical” or “explicable” in words. if i had to summarize it tho, today was about learning to spread love outwards, to reflect that which i feel like has been flowing into me for the previous two trips. i just felt like i had so much gratitude and love for my people, but in this sort of deep/primal sense that i can’t capture in words. I guess the way to describe it is a feeling of being connected on a soul level. i came out of it with strong messages for several people in my life, and a desire to uplift my loved ones. i also feel more connected to nature, especially animals of all kinds.

they told me at the clinic that day three is when people really start turning a corner, and i definitely feel that within myself. i was saying to a friend, it’s hard to know how this new attitude will translate to my interactions out in life, as all ive been doing for the last 3 days is tripping, sleeping, and processing 😅 so not exactly representative of normal life. it’ll also be interesting to see how the changes im feeling develop or last over the long term, when im further away temporally from this experience. but as for now, i simply feel full of love and grace and gratitude.

this treatment is in no way a mental health panacea, and i know there’s so much more work im going to have to do. but in a way, for the first time that work feels… accessible in a way it never has before. ive pretty much always had the sense, ever since i started therapy, that talking, going through my logical brain, is not the way to healing for me. my brain is way too good at like. dodging attempts to logic itself out of depression, unhealthy thoughts, etc. so ive always had this sense that in order for the real work to begin, i need to access the deeper parts of my brain that run on emotion, not logic. the best way i can describe it is the difference between knowing or being told that i am loved and worthy, and actually feeling that in a visceral, all consuming way. it feels like i am unlocking the piece of me that was missing, or hiding, or starved. it’s accessing a part of me that i haven’t had access to, precisely by more or less shoving me into it, but in the most beautiful and gentle and teaching-based way.

really, the biggest shift ive felt mentally is this move away from anger, resentment, and the pain that comes from that. im now able to look back on past events with a sense of dawning peace and compassion, both for myself and the people who have hurt me. again, this is still just the beginning of the work, and im sure ill continue to be unpacking this for a long time to come. but for the first time, the dominant emotions ive been feeling are peace and contentment with being in the present moment. and even if this feeling doesn’t last, i know ill have the memory and experience of it to draw on in the future.

overall, im feeling good, im making strides, and im growing. i cannot articulate how grateful i am to have this opportunity; it’s horrific bullshit that not everybody has access to the same treatment. thank you all for being so supportive and respectful of my journey 🥰 ill be back with another recap on monday!