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halothenthehorns · 3 years ago

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All in the Family

Chapter 65: Bagman and Crouch

Sirius found himself on all fours in a grassy meadow still blinking bright morning sun out of his eyes, and grinned at the potential for mayhem all around. With not a soul in sight.

Head still spinning like he'd just taken a bad tumble from a broom, he staggered to his feet and stumbled around for a few moments, right into someone's tent. Not his initial intention, but he shrugged and kept at it anyway, even if he would have picked a grander one to start. It's not as if this one was uninteresting.

Instead of supporting either of the current teams here, they seemed to have hung posters of the Tutshill Tornados around. The beddings were even done up in bronze and blue, and there was a Comet Two Sixty leaning against a twin bed at the ready, amusing him for a moment as he imagined whoever owned it had actually planned a pick-up game at the World Cup, he knew he would have.

After only a moment's hesitation, he raided their cupboards and found a few things to eat, before eying the bed wearily. It had been a while since they'd taken a break, and he hadn't heard the book going yet. However, he wanted to meet up with James and Remus first, explore with a bit more daylight. Maybe he'd run into everyone and they could all agree to take a nap so no one got any surprise jerk aways.

The peacock cocked his head to the side, and James mimicked the pose. The bird extended its albino plumage and James waved his arms wide. Unimpressed, the other one snapped his beak impatiently to move him along, but James' grin only widened as he once again tried to pass them by, sure there would be something of interest in the tent they were guarding.

"Hey!" looking up and around in surprise, James grimaced at Regulus marching towards him, almost literally. It always fascinated him how much this kid looked like Sirius but acted nothing like him, his best mate hadn't held himself so straight since Filch once threatened to tie a broom to his back.

"Yes?" He asked unenthusiastically, noticing the book in his hand, and turning dismissively back towards the birds.

"Need to talk to you about something."

He was glad he'd turned away now, the resemblance wasn't so uncanny when he didn't have to look at him. "When I want your opinion on my friend's, I promise you, I'm not shy in asking for it."

"Some friend," he scoffed.

James clenched his jaw, but before he could respond he went on primely, "no, that's not what I was going to say. You're probably better at hunting down the lot than I am-"

"Some Seeker," he snorted.

"But I'm going to keep this with me and crash for a few hours," he went on, somehow his voice getting more snooty by the moment. "That way, no one has to worry about not knowing when we're leaving again."

"How considerate," he rolled his eyes.

"Just thought you'd like to pass along the message," his voice sounded just a touch surley now. "I say we meet up at the Weasley's tent, once everyone's there, then we'll all be ready to keep going."

"What an excellent idea," he snarked.

He heard Regulus blow air through his nose in what was too dignified to be called a snort, but felt him still standing behind him. Temptation won out, he glanced over his shoulder and saw him chewing on the inside of his cheek as he continued to eye him. Whatever he was considering saying, he was sure he didn't want to hear it, so finally abandoned the stately tent and walked off.

"I just hope your memory isn't as shallow as your gene pool," he finally called after him. James flipped him the bird and made a quick cut through more tents.

He tried to keep eyeing everything as he walked past with curiosity, but now he just kept expecting to see Regulus out of the corner of his eye following him. Then he grimaced as he'd swear he heard Sirius' voice and turned expectantly to still see nothing. He considered circling back out of spite and trying to get back into that tent, but it didn't hold much appeal without his friends around to go through it with him.

The silence was beginning to ring in his head, he found himself pacing the same cloak propped up on sticks four times before he even realized it, and then when he finally made the conscious decision to turn deliberately left, he slammed full-face into someone.

"Sorry!" Frank said automatically, reaching out a hand to help steady him.

'Frank the tank it felt more like,' James thought to himself as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "S'alright, wasn't looking where I was going."

"You seen anyone else?" Frank asked with an uneasy smile. "I've, ah, been looking all over, this place is like a maze. Found myself in a sea of faces on tents, it was a bit spooky, but no one else besides you."

"No one you'd want to run into," he snapped.

Frank frowned at him, but James didn't want to deal with anyone else right now, certainly not the bloke who probably would have pissed himself if he'd run into Remus instead. He turned away without another word regardless and walked purposefully this time, now tapping his wand on his hip in thought. He considered throwing up some sparks, surely everyone would see it and they'd all meet up regardless and then be able to break off on their own.

Everyone, his mental voice repeated, and guilt began bubbling to the surface as he pictured it. Would it be worse if he didn't see a glimpse of Peter, or better? He'd respected his wish and stayed away, but James hadn't tried much to figure anything out since then, every time he even considered thinking about all he'd heard he just wanted to throw up again.

Shouldn't he have tried anyways though? Come around and been badgering the lot of them to hear his side again? 'Sirius hadn't,' he mentally reasoned, 'he was probably taking his cue from him.'

'And look how well that turned out,' he argued back with himself. How long had they been fighting before they made up in that future then? If this hadn't happened, how long until the four would be friends again? Long enough that the mistrust would never truly fade and that's what started all of this?

'He'd been the best mate at your wedding!' He yelled at himself. 'Surely the four of them still meant something to each other!'

"But not enough," he sighed aloud, before wincing and covering his mouth in shame.

"Prongs?"

Shaking his head and finding himself somewhere new once more, surrounded completely by moss apparently, he still called back, "Moony? That you?"

"Yeah, finally," he came jogging into sight, Alice Smith of all people trailing along behind him with a nervous yet excited smile. "Thought I heard you, we've been looking all over for anyone!"

"Oh yeah, me too," he said quickly, easily putting a smile back in place, more for Smith than anything. "I ah, ran into Longbottom and Regulus already, but, obviously they couldn't handle my charm."

"I'm so sure," Remus rolled his eyes, while James continued gesturing over his shoulder.

"Err, that way, sorry I didn't get you a map."

"A shame," she grinned, "you seem so good at those."

He smiled genuinely in surprise at how comfortable she apparently was, or at least, she didn't dart off in that same second. Remus was still studying him, so he was quick to keep going, "seen Padfoot?"

Moony clucked his tongue and gave him an obvious look. "Yes, I absolutely spotted him in the distance but didn't hail him down, instead I just kept wandering around wondering where you lot were."

"Always keep us guessing Remus," James nodded.

"I haven't heard the book yet," Alice said when the silence started to grow.

"Oh, ah, yeah," James was quick to cobble his mind back into place. "Regulus, er, found the book and said something about crashing before reading it. Said he wanted us all to meet up at the Weasley's tent when we were ready to get going again, so no one had to deal with a surprise pull away."

"How sweet," she grinned.

James scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck, and Remus shuffled his feet for a few more moments before Alice cleared her throat. "Right, well, guess I'd best go find Frank and Lily. It was, nice talking to you Remus."

"Yeah, you as well," he said quickly.

She smiled one last time and waved before taking off.

"You two find something of interest to talk about?" He asked curiously.

"Not really," he shrugged, "she mentioned she was a quarter Irish or something, but who isn't really."

"Oh, and you two seemed to be hitting it off," he smirked.

"You and Evans create enough love drama, don't go trying to start more," Remus rolled his eyes, before adding shrewdly, "and changing the subject. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. "Let's go find Sirius." Finally, with one of his friends back around to chat with, the voice in his head quieted down.

Lily sat with her feet hanging into the well, swinging them about and wishing the water was high enough she could dip her toes into it. She could just magic it, she supposed, but even after five years in school where that was accepted as the norm, the look on Petunia's face when it came up had her hesitating to do it casually. She knew what Sev would say if he was here at least.

She sighed as her eyes started to droop down heavily, but clung stubbornly to the sunlight keeping her warm and eyes wide open. Harry lingered in her mind once more, somehow a son she had no wish to have with Potter was less painful to think about than other thoughts that so often consumed her. What did that say about her? He was here with his friends, having a gay old time, which she was surprised to not be hearing about yet.

Quidditch had never been particularly endearing to her, but she was almost looking forward to the coming game anyways. It always seemed a topic that everyone could enjoy, and she was so tired of fighting.

The warm sun continued to beat down, causing a sheen of sweat to appear. She closed her eyes and kept soaking it in, letting it seep down to her bones. She hadn't realized she was nodding off until she jerked uncomfortably, and found herself nearly toppling down the well. Clutching painfully tight to the bricks and her wand, she swung herself carefully around and decided it really was time for a nap, she'd look for Alice and Frank later. Meandering over to the nearest cluster of tents, she hesitated for a moment before picking out a simple, smaller one. Inside was a flowered dress hanging on a hat stand and sparsely anything else but a bed. She hoped that meant this was an elder woman's tent who wouldn't mind offering Lily the bed she crashed in.

They'd finally found Padfoot examining a squashed slug, he'd greeted them enthusiastically and then dared Prongs to eat it. Now they were wandering around fighting off itchy eyes and slowing conversation. Exhaustion was setting in, but none of them seemed ready to call it quits and get some rest.

None of them said it, but when they walked into a tent with four beds at the ready, they froze.

Sirius turned to leave, trying to ignore his skin twitching in unease. What would be worse? To pretend the bed was filled with the usual snores, or be grateful it wasn't? Before he could make it out though, James cleared his throat. "Ah, actually, maybe we should-"

"I'll go kip under a tree," Sirius muttered without looking at them.

"Actually Sirius, I was going to say maybe we should talk about-"

"I want some bloody sleep Prongs!" Sirius snapped without turning around.

"I don't think I can," he whispered back.

Sirius inhaled the air still coming through the tent flap, he still didn't want to turn around. "Shall I knock you over the head then? Can't hardly whip up a sleeping draft."

"Padfoot, I mean I can't just go to sleep without thinking-"

"Right, a nice concussion charm it is," he began mock digging through his robes.

"Sirius! I mean it!"

He saw Remus out of the corner of his eye taking a few uneasy steps back, like he expected a bomb to go off between them. He turned slowly, trying to force himself not to glare at Prongs, reminding himself whose fault this was. "And what exactly is having a little powwow going to do? Help you cry yourself to sleep we're never speaking to him again?"

"I never said that-"

"And why haven't you?" His voice still sounded painfully calm. "You really haven't said much of anything, either of you. In case you've forgotten-"

"I think you're the one who's having some damage to your brain," James said a bit coldly. "I just wanted to say we've all had a chance to cool down and maybe we should go find him to talk-"

"I'm not speaking to him!" Sirius flared in disgust. "Not unless I can hex his ruddy face off! He-"

"I know perfectly well what those books say he did, to all of us," James crossed his arms to hide his shaking fists, the only sign of his anger. "And we need to talk to him about it, after five years and all we've been through, he deserves that-"

Sirius spat on the ground, turned about, and walked out.

James blinked in hurt, and surprise. That wasn't like him at all, he would have normally decked someone before just walking away.

"I'll ah, go talk to him," Remus muttered lamely.

"Right, yeah," James whispered without looking at him either. His eyes blurred with exhaustion. He didn't know who he hoped would come back through that tent anymore. He was so sick of feeling so useless, he hadn't at all stepped in and helped Remus and Sirius with their fight, and now this had somehow escalated to even worse. He didn't know what to say, he didn't want to say anything. Peter hadn't served him up to You-Know-Who...but he couldn't stop seeing the guilt on his face. Unable to deny the idea...

Sirius was no easier to track down a second time. He just caught sight of him walking as fast as he could and tried calling after him, but he either couldn't hear him or was ignored. He only just stayed in sight, and by the time Remus caught up to him panting slightly, Sirius had his face pressed miserably to an invisible barrier.

They were at a trailhead now, lanterns sitting unlit in the trees. Remus couldn't help but be mildly impressed for a moment how far he'd come so fast. He was still injured, even the shadow of the Devil's Snare was still visible on his neck, but Sirius was nothing if not resilient.

"Sirius we really should-"

Sirius' hand lashed out, he caught the collar of Remus' shirt and pulled him in for a searing kiss. Remus responded for only a moment before pulling away, "that's really not-"

"I don't want to talk," he clearly enunciated every word. Keeping a firm hold on him, he began pulling him back towards the nearest tent. Remus reluctantly let himself be dragged along, beginning to wonder if that's all this was to Sirius, another way to avoid everything for as long as he could.*

Peter hesitated over every step he took as he eased himself slowly towards the tent. He'd been doing so all day as he'd landed quite close to Remus, had watched protectively, then curiously as he came across Alice and they'd had an awkward yet cordial few moments before finding Prongs. He should have taken off then, what did it say about him he was already eavesdropping on them? Was this why he'd become a spy for You-Know-Who, it was the one thing he was good at?

He shouldn't have been listening in on them all day, it was only making him more guilty, but the smallest flair of hope kept him shuffling closer as Sirius stormed out and Remus followed. If James really, finally, wanted to talk, he was more than happy to.

With one last dragging breath to build up what little nerve he had, he changed form and poked his head around the side. Then let it out miserably as he saw he'd waited too long.

Prongs had set himself on the bed, and fallen into an uneasy sleep. His face was resting uncomfortably against the frame, his glasses skewed and about to fall to the floor with his next breath. Dancing on the spot for a few moments more he finally moved forward and took them off for him, lest they fall under the bed and they spent another memorable few moments laughing as his butt wiggled around while he dug them out.

He bit his lip to stop himself laughing at the memory, Remus hiding James' wand up his sleeve and trying to blame Sirius for it, Padfoot on the ground laughing his butt off all the same. He'd just been witness to it all, like so many times in their life. How soon until they forgot he'd been there altogether?

Should he wake him? If James finally wanted to talk he was more than happy to, his words had sounded promising, but not altogether reassuring. Like the coward he was, he hesitated. What if James just wanted to talk to the other two about keeping him out for good? Like a child, he clung to the notion that maybe, if he just gave it more time, it would work itself out?

Placing the glasses on the table, he eased himself back out without making a peep.

Regulus stretched and rolled over uncomfortably in the borrowed bed, glaring moodily at the light still around him. The fact that the sun hadn't seemed to have changed position disturbed him, as if he hadn't slept for nearly as long as his body said he had. Then he spotted something even more odd in the bed across from him.

Why Peter had decided to bed down here was a bit of a mystery, it's not as if there wasn't an abundance of other choices. He was an only child as well, it's not as if sleeping alone should really bother him. Most of the time he'd spent crammed around this lot he'd longed for the nights in his fourposter bed at home. Even if what home meant to him was now a question hovering above his life, he liked to think the little changes like his room being undisturbed by dormmates would stay the same.

Yet he couldn't resent waking up to the company either. He also understood more than anyone what it felt like to feel alone surrounded by others.

Moving about quietly so as not to disturb him, he eyed the teapot sitting ready on the stove for a moment, wondering idly what would happen if he called to Kreacher. Would he appear from his timeline, whistling while he worked? Was he even alive now to be summoned if it would work?

Storing the questions away for later, he finally threw the blankets off and set up for a small morning breakfast. He was stirring sugar into a chipped mug that had some American school logo plastered on the side and flipping idly through the blank chapters of the book when Peter awoke.

He groggily stumbled forward and muttered a sullen thanks as he spotted the second cup, sipping noisily at the still steaming liquid.

"What do you think would have happened if two others had started this?" He finally asked one of the idle questions floating through his mind.

"Eh?" Peter's watery brown eyes were still half-lidded as he began rummaging through a biscuit tin.

"I mean, if Lupin and Evans had somehow accidentally stuck their hands in that potion instead of Potter, or you even, or, me."

"Oh," Peter had to blink a few more times before it seemed he'd even caught up, seemed he wasn't a morning person. "Erm, well, I'd suppose we wouldn't strictly be hearing about some love child, except maybe if it had been Longbottom and Smith perhaps, but ah, perhaps something the same. Maybe we, would be hearing about other futures."

"You think?" Regulus asked enthusiastically. "You mean our points of view on this future, or something else entirely?"

"Like?" Peter looked intrigued at the prospect.

"Just, what we were talking about, I can't get it off my mind," Regulus shrugged. "That, the future isn't set in stone, especially not this one."

Peter slurped the last of his drink and smacked his lips for a few more moments before answering, "well I certainly hope so, but exactly what stakes are you hoping won't occur?"

Regulus spooned a few more cups of sugar into the dregs, creating a lumpy mess more than anything and began pushing that around instead. "I don't know yet, and that's been bothering me as much as anything."

Peter snorted softly. "I wish I still didn't know, take it as a blessing while you can mate."

He got up then to rummage through the rest of the cupboards, missing the surprised look he'd left behind. Were they mates now?

Lily was smiling up at a banner for The Salem Witches Institute when they finally found her.

"I've been looking all over for you guys," she said with chipper as she all but skipped over, still clutching a pamphlet for the place.

"We haven't been avoiding you, we swear," Frank grinned.

"We've been looking for you too, but when we finally found each other we nearly fell asleep over this purple fire-"

Lily laughed and waved off the rest of the apology. "So, how should we move forward? I'd feel bad summoning the book and waking up anyone else, but I don't fancy waiting for those layabouts to spend twelve hours sleeping either."

Alice was still some sleep out of her eyes while Frank explained what he'd been told about meeting up at the Weasley's camp when ready.

"Great," Lily actually clapped her hands together. "Any idea where that is?"

"Let's, ah, start that way I guess," Frank pointed in a direction he'd yet been, and she more than happily took the lead.

"Someone's a morning person," Alice smiled.

Lily smiled without remorse and began enthusiastically asking if they'd seen any other interesting sights.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," Peter muttered as he spotted James heading slowly their way.

Regulus grabbed his elbow before he could poof out of sight again, drawing the other threes attention. The five of them had been managing to chat so pleasantly that the blanket tension settling down as he spotted them couldn't go unnoticed, but he ruffled his hair instead of slowing his stride.

"Morning all," he called, doing a goofy little spin on the spot for a moment before just plopping down on the grass, only slightly farther away than would be considered casual.

"I expected the other two to be with you," Frank called with a forced neutral voice.

Peter's uneasy smile turned to a snort of mirth. "Please, if Prongs isn't around, it'll take a riot to wake them up."

"Well, they're up somewhere around here," Regulus noted, as words had appeared ages ago, he'd just been politely waiting as he'd said he would.

"I'd get started then," Potter said quietly.

Regulus wanted to protest, he'd said he'd wait until everyone got here, but Peter nodded along eagerly and the others were starting to look restless. He hesitated a moment longer, looking between Peter and Potter, the latter of whom had pulled out his wand and was transfiguring the grass at his feet to weave itself into complicated figures and looked sullen.

Glancing one last time at Peter, he decided he was missing something and took the bit of peace while he could and said, "Bagman and Crouch."

"Not Ludo Bagman?" Sirius tied his shoes up and glanced at the jersey still lying on the floor.

"Unless he had a kid," Remus grumbled, face still pressed into the pillow. It didn't matter he was technically awake, it didn't mean he wanted to get up. "Even then, I don't know what that has to do with the other name."

"Crouch, Crouch," Sirius repeated as Regulus' voice continued to filter into the tent about Harry getting his first glimpse of this place. He wasn't bothered he hadn't kept his word and waited for them to appear, his timing was actually rather fortuitous, best he started now before Sirius changed his mind and crawled back into the bed. "Haven't we heard that name already?"

Remus garbled something about him being Percy's boss, proving once more he'd been listening much better than Sirius had bothered.

Sirius began bouncing impatiently on the bed as nothing he was hearing was too interesting. The book was dragging out every detail it could of Harry walking around, meeting a muggle, building a tent. It was maddening, he wanted to hear about the cup!

"Padfoot!" Remus whined, reaching out blindly to grab him and hopefully still him.

"Come on Moony, rise and shine," Sirius grabbed his hand and began pulling on him to drag his face back from underneath the pillow. He felt a little bad when his eyes barely opened and he could only muster a pitiful glare in response. Remus usually slept the whole day after a full moon night. His sleep in particular kept getting harassed during these massive time skips. If he let him doze back off though, someone might really come looking for them, Prongs might be now.

"I know Remus," he squeezed his hand gently. "I really am sorry, I know you're tired, but let's try exploring a little more. Maybe Bagman's got a tent around here! Oh, and we could find that Muggle's house, I do love looking around those."

Harry and his friends had gone out to get water and back already by the time Moony had finally been roused from the bed, and even then he reluctantly set off again with Sirius. Slow to wake, but boundless once he got going, he did indeed drag them all along the rest of the campsite for the rest of the chapter, never staying in one place too long even when they did come across something he took an interest in.

Bagman's tent was solid gold, a yellow wasp banner flying proudly above it, but not many details inside except for an odd little book full of scribbles. It took them a while to makes heads of it, and finally concluded the letters were acronyms for different names, money placed, and statistics for the coming match. A bag of gold was stashed under the bed, and the two whistled in longing as they realized they'd been missing out, never realizing the money they could make if they started betting on their own house sports.

At least he was fun to hear about, Sirius almost pissed himself in excitement Harry got to meet the player! Hearing about Crouch wasn't nearly as fun, they almost wished he hadn't made an appearance at all he was so stuffy to listen to, let alone be around.

Mr. Roberts house was just inside the barrier on the edge of the property. It was a sweet little home, he even apparently had two kids, a boy and a girl. Remus flipped fondly through the boy's artbook while Sirius closely inspected a unicorn doll and muttered they'd gotten the details all wrong, he'd never seen a purple one.

It seemed to take ages, Remus was even fully awake by the time Arthur announced the game was about to begin. The two hardly shared an eager smile before they were teleported away.

*I’ll have the deleted lemon in a separate post

#Harry Potter #fanfiction #Wolfstar #Jilly #GoF #Marauders #reading the books #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #James Potter #Peter Pettigrew #Regulus Black #Lily Evans #Frank Longbottom #Alice Smith

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inkwell1013 · 4 years ago

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A Pleasant Surprise (Johnlock)

Pairing: John Watson/Sherlock Holmes

Genre: Fluff, Established Relationship, Adopting a pet

Word count: 958

Summary: John has had a long day at work. When he gets home, he finds that Sherlock has a little surprise for him. And it's something he's wanted for a very long time.

- - - - -

John sighed as he hung up his coat. It had been a long day at the clinic after all. “Sherlock, are you home?” he called. He got no response at first. Then he heard the skittering of a small animal as a small sopping wet puppy ran up to him, jumping at his legs.

His brain skipped a beat, malfunctioning for a second. Sherlock wandered out of the bedroom, with a cocky smirk on his face and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “I see that you two have become acquainted. Be careful, she’s still a bit damp from her bath,” he said.

“Sherlock, why is there a puppy in the flat?” asked John, practically speechless.

“One of my homeless network found her in a dumpster,” explained Sherlock. “I want to keep her. Can I?”

“What? Sherlock, you can barely look after yourself half the time,” retorts John, picking up the squirming puppy in his arms and holding her at an arm’s length to keep his shirt from getting damp. She was a pretty cute cocker spaniel, with large doe eyes and brown fur that would probably be soft if she were not dripping wet. “Anyway, we both work. It wouldn’t be fair to leave her home all day.”

“I’ve already thought about that. Mrs Hudson said that she’ll look after her while I’m out on cases. Apparently, she really likes dogs,” said Sherlock. He had clearly thought about this a lot and seemed pretty dedicated to the idea.

John didn’t know why at first. Then something occurred to him. He had seen a picture in Sherlock’s wallet once. It was of him as a child sitting next a Irish Setter with kind eyes. Now he was looking at her again, the puppy did look a bit like the dog in the photograph.

“Is it just me or does this puppy look like your old dog?” asked John casually.

“She kinda does look like Redbeard, doesn’t she?” remarked Sherlock, giving the puppy a little scratch between the ears. “So, can I keep her?”

John looked down at the puppy one last time. She was very cute and he had always wanted a dog as a kid. He could never have one because his sister was allergic. “You know what… sure. As long as you look after her properly, you can keep her. And I mean looking after her properly – walking her, feeding her, grooming her - all that stuff,”

Sherlock beamed at the news and went to fetch an old towel from the cupboard. Coming back, he took the puppy from John and started toweling off the puppy as carefully as he could. John crouched down and did his best to help.

“So… any thoughts for a name?” John asked, trying to stop the puppy from squirming out of Sherlock’s grasp.

“A name?”

“I mean if we’ll be keeping her, she’ll need a name, right?” he explained, looking at Sherlock’s response to the question. He squinted his eyes in the way he always did when he was deep in thought and frowned slightly.

“I’d like it if it was something to do with pirates…” Sherlock admitted sheepishly. His lifelong obsession with pirates was something that he was often embarrassed by, only admitting it to John about three months ago. John had known that he was obsessed by pirates as a kid but hadn’t thought it had lasted into adulthood. In a way, it was sort of endearing.

“That’s not a bad idea. Maybe like a famous pirate or something. I don’t know about any female pirates though,” said John, trying to pat the puppy on the head before she grabbed ahold of his sleeve with her teeth. Sherlock thought about it for a second before he had an idea.

“What about Grace, after Grace O’Malley? She was an Irish pirate in the 16th century. I think she was called the pirate queen,” said Sherlock. “I read about her in a book when I was a child,”

John looked to the puppy, who was now tugging on his sleeve as if she was trying to rip in half, and smiled. “Grace. It’s very fitting actually,” he said. “She’s pretty spunky and mischievous after all,”

“Yeah, she is,” said Sherlock, going to pick her up. “Why don’t we take her to the pet store to get some supplies?”

“You didn’t pick anything upon your way back?” asked John, standing up.

“To be honest, I never thought you’d say that we could keep her,” said Sherlock, throwing on his coat, which was quite a feat with a Grace in his arms. She snuggled into the soft wool fabric of his coat and dozed off.

“So what do puppies need again?” Sherlock asked, as they left the house.

“Well, she’ll need a collar and leash, some dishes for food and water, puppy food of course, a bed and some toys,” listed John as he locked the door behind them. “I think that’s about it. Oh and we’ll have to take her to the vets for some shots before she can be around other dogs,”

“You’re pretty knowledgeable about this,” remarked Sherlock as they made their way down the steps of the apartment.

“I always wanted a dog as a kid, so I did a lot of research into them. Couldn’t have one though because Harry’s allergic. Guess the information stuck with me,” he said. He had his very first dog and it was with the man he loved. He couldn’t stop beaming from ear to ear.

Sherlock noticed his grin. “What are you smiling about?” he demanded.

“It’s nothing. Just happy,” replied John as Grace twisted over in her sleep, burying her face in Sherlock’s chest. “Shall we go?”

“Yes. Let’s.”

#fanfiction #sherlock fanfiction #fluff #dogs #john watson / sherlock holmes #sherlock holmes / john watson #established relationship #inkwell writes

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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5 Criminally Underrated Alan Parker Movies You Need to See

https://ift.tt/3a5pCp0

A working-class Londoner who started out in advertising, Parker knew how to play to the crowd but wasn’t afraid to take risks or challenge convention.

That was evident from his feature debut, Bugsy Malone, an inspired pastiche of Hollywood gangster films that saw Parker defy genre norms with the recruitment of an all-child cast wielding ‘Splurge’ guns firing whipped cream instead of bullets.

It was a decision that drew anger in some quarters with noted critic John Simon famously branding the film “an outrage” in New York Magazine.

“Wholesome youngsters have been duped into acting like adults,” he said, “stupid, brutal, criminal adults, at that.”

Bugsy Malone flopped in the US but Parker soon established himself stateside with Midnight Express and Fame, two box office hits and examples of Parker’s unrivalled versatility and habit of defying expectations.

In time, Bugsy Malone enjoyed critical reappraisal, emerging as a firm favourite with audiences on both sides of the Atlantic.

Over a varied and wide-ranging career, Parker is often remembered for crowd-pleasing efforts like The Commitments and Evita.

However, arguably his most fascinating work came when he took risks – as these five films attest.

Shoot the Moon

After the success of Fame, Parker was brought back down to earth with this underappreciated family drama which bombed at the box office despite earning rave reviews from critics.

Based on an early script from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest screenwriter Bo Goldman, Shoot the Moon centered on the crumbling marriage of George and Faith Dunlap and the impact their eventual separation has on their four children.

Goldman had unsuccessfully, pitched the movie to several major studios for nearly a decade before Parker got involved.

Together, they rewrote the script, drawing from personal experiences to depict the film’s deteriorating relationships and, crucially, recruited Albert Finney and Diane Keaton to star as George and Faith, respectively.

Arriving at a time when films like Ordinary People and Kramer vs Kramer were bringing divorce and family dysfunction to multiplexes, Parker’s film unfairly ended up lost in the shuffle.

It remains a powerful, if at times, deliberately difficult watch, bolstered by career-best turns from Finney and Keaton, whose emotionally raw performances earned them both Golden Globe nominations.

Birdy

Adapted from William Wharton’s acclaimed novel of the same name, Birdy was one of the first films to address the horrors of Vietnam, pre-dating the likes of Platoon and Born on the Fourth of July.

Matthew Modine stars as Birdy, a serial daydreamer left mentally shattered by Vietnam, who spends his days couped up in a mental hospital acting like a parakeet, visited daily by his wounded best friend Al (a young Nicolas Cage) who is determined to bring him back to reality.

Modine originally read for the role of Al by was convinced to take on the role of Birdy by Parker who correctly identified a “”introverted honest quality” to the star that was essential to making the character, who remains monosyllabic for much of the film, an endearing protagonist.

Told out of chronological order through flashbacks, Parker’s film is a dizzying odyssey through a damaged mind, addressing themes of friendship, obsession and the impact of trauma.

The filmmaker deploys a bag of tricks to bring this unique tale to life – Birdy is notable for being the first film to utilise Skycam technology, a computer-controlled cable-suspended camera system used to capture the moment Birdy imagines taking flight.

The result is his most complex and rewarding film, one that won the Grand Prix Spécial du Jury prize at the 1985 Cannes Film Festival.

Angel Heart

Like many of the surprise turns in Parker’s eclectic career, Angel Heart was greeted with mixed reviews and middling box office returns upon release in 1987.

That perception changed in the years that followed, with many now regarding it as Parker’s best film and certainly Mickey Rourke’s best performance.

Rourke is at his mesmerising best as Harry Angel, a 1950s private eye hired by Robert De Niro’s mysterious Louis Cyphre to track down a pop singer who owes a substantial debt.

As Angel’s investigation continues, however,it becomes apparent that something sinister is afoot, with every possible witness or lead ending up the victim of bloody, ritualistic murder.

Movies

Revisiting Alan Parker’s Angel Heart

By Brogan Morris

Movies

Looking Back at Angel Heart

By Tony Sokol

Adapted from William Hjortsberg’s 1978 novel Falling Angel, Parker script saw the action move from the book’s original setting of New York to New Orleans.

That proved something of a masterstroke, imbuing the film’s already distinctive blend of film noir thriller and Satanic horror with a decaying Southern Gothic feel.

Though a controversial sex scene involving pints and pints of blood feels a touch unnecessary when watching the film back, Angel Heart is near enough a masterpiece; a moody, psychological thriller that has influenced countless filmmakers, with Christopher Nolan one noted admirer.

Mississippi Burning

Parker made a habit of playing fast and loose with the facts when it came to adapting non-fiction. Midnight Express previously drew criticism for its portrayal ofvTurkish characters, as well as for deviating from survivor Billy Hayes’ real-life story. However, it remains an engaging piece of filmmaking.

It’s a similar story with Mississippi Burning, which purports to be based on a real-life investigation into the killings of three civil rights activists in 1964 America but proved more fiction than fact and suffered at the hands of many critics as a result.

Leaving aside the debates over the film’s authenticity, Mississippi Burning still succeeds in shining a light on a dark period in American history, albeit from a distinctly white perspective.

It’s a vividly realised depiction of 1960s America, full of striking imagery that touches on issues of segregation in the south and the looming spectre of the Ku Klux Klan and its burning crosses.

While Gene Hackman and Willem Dafoe prove a magnetic duo as the film’s central pairing of older, more cynical, FBI agent and his younger, idealistic charge, the standout performance comes from Frances McDormand as the local deputy sheriff’s downtrodden housewife.

Come See the Paradise

Come See the Paradise divided critics upon release but is worth seeking out, at the very least for the fact it remains one of the only major studio movies to focus on the Japanese-American internment camps of the Second World War.

Dismissed by some as a sappy love story, Parker’s movie is more ambitious and complex than that; an interracial romance set against the backdrop of one of the most complex and ethically charged periods in American history.

A vividly-realised period piece, Dennis Quaid does solid work as Jack McGurn, the Irish-American projectionist who falls for his Japanese-American boss’s daughter only for them to end up separated in the ensuing conflict.

However, it’s the film’s other star-crossed lover, Tamlyn Tomita’s Lily, who proves most fascinating. Best known for The Karate Kid Part II at the time, Come See the Paradise had a personal edge for Tomita, whose father spent time in a real California internment camp.

Through Lily, Parker presents the stark human injustice faced by the interned, people who not only lost civil liberties but also their sense of identity. It’s just a shame Tomita is not afforded nearly as much screen time as Quaid.

The post 5 Criminally Underrated Alan Parker Movies You Need to See appeared first on Den of Geek.

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thesffcorner · 5 years ago

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Lesson in Thorns

A Lesson in Thorns is the first book in an adult, erotic mystery series written by Sierra Simone. It follows 6 characters, who when they were children spent the summer playing in Thornhill Manor, a gigantic estate in England, owned by the parents of one of the 6. One summer, they find an altar at the center of a maze in the Manor, and decide to have an impromptu wedding; 11 years later that wedding still seems to haunt them and through a series of various circumstances all 6 reconvene at the manor. This book was pitched to me as a queer The Secret Historywhich made me laugh, since The Secret History is already very queer. In fairness, all 6 characters in this book are some form of bisexual/pansexual, though only 2 of the characters specifically say it on the page. The best way to describe this book, is that this book is an erotica first, mystery second. The main focus in the whole book is on the sexual relationships between the characters; there is hardly a page without at least a mention of sex. This isn’t a dig at the book at all; it’s advertised as such and it delivers exactly what it promises. I personally would have liked a stronger plot, and more focus on the mystery, and as such, after a while I found the smut boring. If it wasn’t for the very last chapter of the book, I don’t think I would have been interested in continuing with the series. So since the plot is so lax, let’s talk about that first. The set up for this book reminded me of the Runaways; its a group of kids whose parents are part of some kind of elite secret club, and they gather at Thornhill. However after that summer, they disband and never meet again. We mostly follow Prosperina, or Po, the bride of the impromptu marriage. She’s a librarian, and her mother has disappeared. Years after, she gets a note with her mother’s handwriting addressed from Tornhill, just as she gets offered a job to catalog and organize the Thornhill library. What I hoped was to find out a lot more about the mannor’s history, the secret club Po’s parents were a part of, whether Tornhill was some kind of supernatural force or just a regular, old house. We get answers to some of these questions, but for the most part the book really doesn’t focus on any of it. The plot with Po’s mother is actually so minor you can barely even call it a subplot, which was annoying considering that’s the main reasons Po goes to Tornhill in the first place. I won’t lie, the fact that as soon as Po sees Auden, she kind of forgets about her mother at all was really frustrating and didn’t endear me to her character at all. I hope that book 2 will explain a bit more about what exactly Auden’s father was trying to achieve and why; I really would have enjoyed this book so much more if the mystery that was already there was just actually amped up and developed. The one thing this book does have going for it, other than the characters is the atmosphere. There is something so compelling about this massive sprawlling, isolated estate, set in the middle of the English countryside, in a sleepy village still devoted to medieval rituals and festivals, in the dead of winter. The scenes where Po explores the manor, or goes to the village were great, and I again wish the book focused more on this aspect of its setting, rather than just the characters. Speaking of the characters, they will make or break this book for you. Personally, I liked most of them; there wasn’t anyone I disliked, but some people were definitely better written and more developed than others. Ironically, the character I was most interested in was the one that was least developed; Beckett. Beckett is a Catholic priest, which I found interesting, since he’s not Irish, and he’s also not particularly religious either. He has a way with people, where he understands why they do the things they do, and puts them at ease around him, but his faith isn’t as unshakable as one would imagine. There are so many interesting tidbits about him; the fact that he wasn’t always celibate, that he is openly bisexual, even though he’s not sexually active, that he chose priesthood mostly out of fear, that he knows more than any of the other characters. He however, is the character with the least amount of page time, and other than the second to last chapter, he disappears from the book’s third act entirely. Out of the girls I liked Po the most, though a close second was Rebecca. She is a landscape artist, and she’s also a dominant. I am not super well versed in the BDSM community and lifestyle, and I always find it kind of odd that people would act the way they do in sexual situations “always”, but at least with Rebecca, that wasn’t the case. I liked the slow way in which she came to realize she might be not just attracted to, but also in love with Delphine. But again, like Beckett, she gets very limited page time, and her conflict is very mild compared to the rest of the characters. Delphine was the character I was least interested in. I appreciated that she was a plus size instagram influences, I appreciated the way she approached her life and her job, and I liked that she had a distinct personality outside of being rich and pretty. Her relationship with Auden would have been interesting were it not obvious from page 1 that they were going to break up, and no matter how much Simone tried to convince me to believe that they loved each-other, no really, they do, I just didn’t buy it. There was no chemistry there; the way Auden treated her like she was a child, or perhaps a fragile vase, and the reasons Delphine breaks up with Auden for, while valid, were really ill delivered. Auden is apparently everyone’s favorite character, but I really didn’t find him that compelling. I don’t know what it is with me, but if I am at any point forced to pick between two male love interests, one of which is an upper class, well-bred, mild-mannered, brooding lord, and the other one is a wilder, angry, lower class man who struggles with his class and upbringing, it’s a no-brainer. Auden does have more going for him, but like with Beckett, the stuff I found most interesting about him was his relationship with his father, with St Sebastian, with his own sexuality and preferences. What the book focuses on, is his relationship to Po and to Delphine, and while I definitely felt the chemistry between him and Po more than him and Delphine, the real compelling relationship was that with St Sebastian, which is the least developed one. St Sebastian is a little more present in the book than Beckett, but he too suffers from not really being in the book enough. He is the outsider; his family is poor, his parents weren’t part of the circle, he is mixed race, and most importantly he did something to Auden that’s so unforgivable that they hate each other so much that he is literary banned from talking to the other people. If the book focused more on what happened and why, I think the plot would have been stronger; as is St Sebastian comes off as a very confused and callous person who keeps playing with Po’s emotions. Finally we have Po. As a character she was fine; as the lead, she was a bit bland. Like I said, she has no real focus, and she has this super annoying tendency to completely forget everything when she is horny, which is all the time, especially when she’s around either of the boys (that’s St Sebastian and Auden, Beckett is, mostly spared). I enjoyed her friendship with Delphine; it was the best developed relationships, and I really liked the subversion of the ritual at the end. Because Po is also narcoleptic, they way she experiences things has kind of a dreamy quality, which works well for the book’s atmosphere. I am curious to see how the relationship between her Auden and St Sebastian will pan out; this is one of those rare love triangles where I would really be content with any of the pairings. There is definitely a wedge thrown in between her and Auden with what we find out at the end of this book, but anything is possible. Overall, this was a solid book. If you are into erotica, BDSM, queer characters and intense friend groups, you will probably love this book. Just don’t go into it expecting a plot; it’s pedestrian at its best, and non-existent at its worst, but if you know what you are getting into, it really is a lot of fun.

goodreads

#lesson in thorns #lesson in thorns review #moni talks #book review

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seenashwrite · 6 years ago

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Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2018)

(a.k.a. - Nash Records Her Viewings Of Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold)

ETA Jan 2019: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

Last Addendum, I Swear

But I caught one this morning called “Home For Christmas Day” that sailed into a 5/5 with little effort. Here’s a mash-up of two “official” summaries I found, and that’s all I am giving you:

An Army widow worries about her teenage daughter when she meets a soldier from the town's military base & starts to spend time with him during the two weeks before he ships out. The mother wants to spare her daughter the pain of losing someone she loves in action, so she tries to get her daughter to break it off with the soldier before she becomes attached. Little do they know they are about to learn important lessons of the heart and that taking chances can make this Christmas one they will cherish forever.

All 4 leads (mom, diner owner, daughter, soldier) are good actors (the daughter really impressed me), and they help overcome some dialogue that could’ve been less formulaic. A highlight is that Kristin Chenoweth’s “Home On Christmas Day”, a *phenomenal* song and one that has permanent residence on my holiday playlist, is featured and sung by a character who - wait for it - can actually sing and it was pleasant to hear, they kept it simple, and it’s the better for it. The movie could’ve gone Velveeta and shmoop and severe angst fast, but it didn’t. You’ll be torn on the ending, some of you wishing they’d gone the other direction. You’ll be sweetly tearful either way.

So, the new official rec list for the ones that are worth your time?

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(5 of 5) Home For Christmas Day (Catherine Bell, Victor Webster - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

And don’t forget: never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Past entries below

Special (Royal) Addendum!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m about to recommend a [gulp] prince-and-princess-based plot Hallmark movie. I’m out-of-pocket a lot this week, but spotted this one randomly and needed to tell you about it, in case you had a chance to catch it. Because surprise, surprise - from some pretty impressive music for a TV movie, to some solid acting (even from the precocious children!), to a decent script, the most off-putting thing is the title. Possibly the best thing? It’s from 2011 but you may recognize the leading man:

So as a reminder, here’s my overall recommendation list for Christmas movies that are actually worth your time...

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

...and the newest addition is the one in question, I’ll give you the scoop.

Google tells me that this was marketed in the UK as “A Christmas Princess”, but I don’t find that any better - I hate movies that blow their wad in the title. Let us not forget the Hallmark rule (and I am certain by this point it IS a rule) that “Christmas” must be in the title. So why not just “Christmas at _ Manor”? That implies aristocracy of some sort, it’s just.... blaaaargh, this channel. Wait hey, look what google told me!

* I swear on my stories that I did NOT see that before I wrote this draft *

Interestingly the version that’s on You Tube is called the latter, so... ya got me. But legit, I am shocked that when you click the “info” on the TV, it says it’s only got 2 stars. It’s higher on IMdB. Probs high ratings, too. I’m not looking it up.

Right. So. Heughan is a *phenomenal* actor, there’s nothing more to say there, and McGrath is high above average for not just typical Hallmark fare, but TV in general. I knew I recognized her, and turns out she was in the short-lived TV series Dracula about 4 years ago (of which I watched the pilot and peaced out), and google tells me she plays Lena Luthor on Supergirl presently (which I don’t watch), but where my lightbulb went off was that she’s the chick who inexplicably got yanked away by a pterodactyl and eaten by the water dino in Jurassic World. She is a gorgeous woman whose hair is made to look atrocious and it’s Hallmark tradition, so nobody’s surprised. One thing is that you’re going to find that on occasion (and it’s few-and-far between) she over-enunciates some words and will rush random parts of sentences, and google tells me she’s Irish, so I get it. A word will sneak in once in a blue moon, but it’s not grating, not in the least, but it’s there. Anyway.

Roger Moore is solid, of course, and points to him for not slipping into Bond mode, and also for not playing it too gruff. The teen boy is a great actor as well - he can pull an angst face and verbalize frustration without it going petulant teen, which is so refreshing I cannot even. And the little girl has a slight Shirley Temple thing going on, holds her own with the adults. Thankfully the servants are all charming and several funny and endearing moments happen because of and with/about/surrounding them. (The narrator is the head butler, too - and fear not, it only happens at the top and at the finale, and are lovely bookends.)

Okay, the story: it kicks off with narration, and it is very well done and cheeky - “Once upon a time in a land called Buffalo there lived a girl names Jules...” Jules --- ::sigh:: just call her Julie, ffs --- has gotten custody of her niece and nephew (about 6 and 14, respectively) after their parents (the Mom being Jules’ sister) died earlier that year. We find her in the midst of a shitstorm because she got fired from her job (and it’s a *very* cool job), the older kid shoplifted a game, and the girl drove away their babysitter with some pranks - she’s also apparently addicted to Doritos. Clearly they’re just processing, and high props to all involved for not taking it over the top. They’re just the right amount of troubled to where it’s not eyeroll-worthy on either the bratty end or the angsty end. She looks to be about 12 years older than the boy, so that’s another reason he’s probably not so with this arrangement, but she’s not harsh with him, she actually treats him like a person and tells him why his behavior is out-of-line and punishes appropriately, reminds him he’s not the only one who lost them, doesn’t go all authoritarian on him, another pleasant change in typical fare.

We find out that their dad was the son of a Duke of some wherever over in Jolly Ol’ - and THANK YOU SCREENWRITERS for keeping it simple and not making up some ridiculously-named kingdom tucked somewhere on the planet - but he gave up the title to marry a “commoner” and moved to America. Still, they get invited to the manor (”castle”? Didn’t look castle to me, but all right) and the brother of the Dad is Heughan’s character, Ashton, with whom Jules has some chemistry, yo. They get us there fast, about 12 minutes, and again against Hallmark type, those 12 weren’t crammed to the gills with backstory and prep work, because that stuff’s gonna unfold, we’ve got an hour twenty, we’re fine.

Heughan happens to technically be a prince (the faux land this must be for isn’t mentioned, again, bless you screenwriter) and it is easily explained without unneeded detail by saying “It’s through my mother’s side”. So I don’t know if that means the kids are lil’ princes and princesses because was Dad technically a prince? Or was he a half-brother? My point is, the Prince-Princess thing was unneeded - “A Duchess For Christmas” would’ve been fine, Hallmark. I promise. And maybe that’s what the writer intended, seeing as how his working script title had nothing about Princess in it. So it was a weird “Huh?” thing that happens a decent ways into the story, so it’s like....????

The rest of the movie goes how you think, but it’s got some genuinely charming moments, and it’s *entertaining*. See, Hallmark? You can take a basic storyline and not fill it with teenage-level angst, then dip it marzipan and roll it in sprinkles. Keep. It. Simple. Let the actors do their jobs. The hijinks aren’t over-the-top, the kids act and speak like actual kids - there’s actually a few lines out of Jules that I side-eyed more. Some of the music was too cutesy-quirky for my taste, but overall, like I said above, Night. And. Day. from the majority.

The dress they put her in for the ball at the end is absolutely appropriate, it is lovely and isn’t overdone (hair, minus the clip in it, looks awful, of course) and - realistically! - it’s different from the other ladies’ without being drastically so. And also realistically, the crowd isn’t gawking because she’s now the best thing in the room, they’re gawking because a commoner is amongst them.

Here’s why this gets a 4/5, and none of these are deal-breakers, but there’s just too many to justify a 5/5:

There is a dance scene that is embarrassing for everyone. But! I’ll be honest - their laughing looked real, I bet behind-the-scenes they’d gotten tickled at something, and Heughan throws all fucks out the window at one point, and bless him, because he saved it - the both of them had enough rhythm that it wasn’t altogether hide-your-eyes worthy; the better choice would’ve been to do the waltz he was teaching her to a more modern song, different tempo than the classic (I’m going blank on it, I feel like it’s the Blue Danube, but that’s irrelevant, anyway you’ll recognize it), throw in some relaxed improv steps. Snaps also to Heughan for faking playing violin well - and snaps to the director for some clever close ups that never quiiiiite give you a look at his (again, props - moving) fingers.

Second thing - the not-quite-climax set-up. I’ve not spoiled the others on the rec list, so I won’t spoil this one, either, but at about a half-hour til the end, the script goes with a trope and I just rolled my eyes. Granted, it didn’t go melodramatic and they saved it with a touch of a twist, and it is genuinely sweet. Still. Didn’t have to go the full distance, could’ve been taken care of while she was prepping to do what she did. I know that’s cryptic, you’ll get what I mean when you watch.

Third thing - the side-plot of the whoever-she-is Duchess or Lady something that expects Heughan’s character to marry her is WAAAAAAAY too much. And it’s the actress, it’s not the lines. Her choices of delivery are just bush league, even I know better and the only thing I’ve ever acted in is a third grade play. I was a Lucy VanPelt-type character (quelle surprise) and I kicked ass.

Other things: that whole “Huh? Prince, what?” stuff, and I could’ve done with a touch less shmoop ending, but the narration saved it.

Okay! There you go! A good princess movie! The rest are garbage.

And never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Love, Nash.

#11

This is it, folks, last entry. And by "folks" I mean the maybe three who are reading these, and thanks, hope you've enjoyed. But the ratio of work-to-response isn't motivating enough to continue, plus the season's about over, and besides, this has covered in the ballpark of 20-ish movies. I think. I can't be bothered to count. So here's the last speed run, I'll cover some more than others, and I'll also note one final time my Yes You Should Watch These 4-and-5 Star Rec List with any updates at the end, as well.

You'll still get a post all its own (with screencaps to paint the full picture and an official, free link of where to watch) on the fanfic-y-est ickiest of all Christmas movies ever. It is too precious for words. I can't not write about it. And on top of that, I wrote an actual fic based on the same premise, because per usual I have seen a travesty that had potential, worked it over, then said:

#humbly

And without further adieu: here's your speed round of the ones to avoid at all cost (the 1 and 2 stars) and a handful that were all right, I thought, but when it comes down to it are a matter of taste and you may love them (the 3 stars). Oh, and spoilers in several places, because it's not going to matter because on tons of these you'll either (a) guess it yourself or (b) shouldn't waste your time.

I’m saving you, here.

Christmas in Angel Falls (Rachel Boston [a-gaaaaaaaain] - Hallmark)

"Guardian angel Gabby Messenger is sent to the town of Angel Falls to restore its Christmas spirit."

::sighs::

No.

As predicted, it was pure schmaltz (my note actually says "suicide by schmaltz") and the usually charming Boston was annoying as hell.

1/5 stars . A Royal New Year's Eve (Jessy Schram - Hallmark)

This one was so grating. There's a prince, she's a fashion designer, it has a bit of a Cinderella undertone (if you watch it you'll see what I mean, there's some boss as pseudo-stepmother and friend as fairy godmother and dressmaking and hidden identity action sprinkled in) and know right now that the prince's accent is inexcusable, it is ear-burning. I looked the guy up because I had to know his nationality, to make sure that I wasn't off the beam and that this was just some weird subset of fill-in-the-bank accent to which I was unfamiliar, but nah, he's from goddamn Milwaukee. That a dialect coach or the director or SOMEBODY didn't speak up is embarrassing, I hope he realizes now and doesn't have this on his reel. And as always, Jessy Schram is dialed to 11 on her typical coked-up mouse with flippy hair routine.

1/5 stars . Four Christmases and a Wedding (Nobody you'll know - Lifetime)

What? Huh? So the premise is he just keeps leaving for work and showing up again at the town Christmas festival with the shitty prom that happens afterward that they call a "ball" and I assure you it is not. They also kinda blew their wad in the title. Also-also, she's Perfect McBody but has had attached to her the trope of I LOVE FOOD GIVE ME ALL THE EATS which personally makes me sick.

1/5 stars . Christmas Everlasting (Tatyana Ali, Dennis Haysbert - Hallmark)

I mentioned this one in passing in an early entry, it's based on a book, so... not "original" totally. Here's why this one doesn't get onto the rec list - it's predictable. It's well-acted, but the story was weak, and I saw the "twist" coming a mile away, and granted - as stated prior somewhere in past entry - I happen to be bizarrely good at that, but I feel like you'd see it, too. Again, this could be the "fault" of the book, I don't know, I've never read it (it's called "The Other Sister", btw), I just judge the movie. Anyhow, it's the same ol' same ol' of big city gal comes home, dead family member (aforementioned sister - you know this immediately though, not a spoiler ), but rekindled lurve, and hey, she's gonna stay for good this time! Bonus appearance of Patti LaBelle, though, which is a bright spot.

The thing that worked my nerves the most was that they inexplicably got actors to play the main folks in flashbacks to 10 years ago who look *nothing* like Ali and the lead male (whose name I unfortunately didn't note, but he was familiar to me), and I'm not just talking hair, that and clothes are what they're supposed to do for changes in time period, I'm talking distinct facial structure and skin tone and height. It was, on god, the most bizarre "young actor analog" (for lack of knowing another way of putting it) that I have ever seen on film in my life, I'm not exaggerating. The genuine, heartfelt acting of Ali and co. is what gets this bumped to a 3 vs. a 2, because I didn't think it was a *complete* waste of time, despite the meh story.

3/5 stars . Santa's Boots (Megan Hilty - Lifetime)

These are my notes verbatim:

--> family department store --> hot flannel Santa --> tree farm --> exec who comes home to save the family business and she's gonna stay 4eva! --> wtf do the boots have to do with anything, I don't.... --> 2/5 stars - 1 b/c hot flannel Santa - should be 1 star . A Christmas Arrangement (it doesn't matter - Hallmark)

Flower shop, check. "Arrangement", get it? ::sigh:: You'll just *love* the first ten minutes, where the lead says "no" and rebuffs and in general tries to get away from this dude about a zillion times. Byeeeeee! Nash will be out after the first 15 mins (I give these 15 mins before bailing), guaranteed. [time passes] I was right. Angel Anna (a.k.a. the real Anael, thankyouverymuch) co-stars, and she's a better actress than the lead, who is absolutely grating in every way. Oh, and the font on the flower shop delivery van is Comic Sans.

1/5 stars . Every Christmas Has A Story (Lori Laughlin, Colin Ferguson, and Willie Aames who, it should be noted, has not aged poorly nor has he had obvious plastic surgery yet at the same time looks nothing like himself so figure that one out - Hallmark)

This should've been called Christmas In Hollyvale (I *think* that was the town), but whatever, she's a reporter and he's her producer, so "story". Get it? GET IT?! Lori Laughlin does not age, and Colin Ferguson can pull a face and inject snark on Jensen-levels, and they have great chemistry, both are funny, and are great actors, then there's Doug ("The Crew") who is a delight. The hotel attendant is a bit annoying. The "mystery" she solves is meh. And though the overall premise is fine, the pacing is sloggy, but it's not necessarily a complete waste of your time because your two leads are such great actors.

3/5 stars . Now, here's one that's terrifically bad that I actually suggest you *might* want to watch because while it's not the jaw-dropping holy shit this is stupid ride that will be the final entry, this one's pretty fucking fan-fic-y and should give you some snickers:

A Cinderella Christmas (the chick from Once Upon A Time In Wonderland with lips that look so fake I hope they’re not real because otherwise bless her heart, Mindy Cohn, and doesn't matter - ION)

There is a get-together they have chosen to call a Chrismasquerade, and technically I don't think I have to say any more. But I will. Fuck, this is amazeballs stupid. Only redeeming thing? The always-delightful Mindy Cohn is in the fairy godmother role, I love her, and she has pinky-purple hair, and I always have/always will adore her sweet face and crinkled eyes smile.

Otherwise....

--> is shite music a pre-requisite for these movies?

--> our lead has *very* distinctive lips and her hair/eyes/lips combo look *nothing* like her cousin (the stepsister sub) even behind the half-face mask, so props to the casting department for whiffing the shit out of that

--> the dude is an incredible, unlikable asshat

--> "A Snow White Christmas" is premiering after this, and it's Sunday, and I'm going to host CASPN instead, but Imma go out on a limb and say it ain't worth your time, either

1/5 stars .

Get ready: shockingly for me, I'm about to give you a pair of 3-star trope-premised movies. I know, I know, unlike me. But these actually pulled it off. The trope?

*takes deep breath*

Pretend to by my boyfriend/girlfriend for my family . (1) A Holiday Engagement (Bonnie Summerville ???, and Jordan Bridges)

It's what you think, but not for terribly flaky reasons - she *was* engaged but the dick broke up with her at Thanksgiving. And in a pleasant change of pace, she doesn't get a friend-who-will-turn-to-more to play the part, she hires an actor. Smart girl. Bridges is another one of those random actors you see off-and-on who elevates everything he is in, and the chick is great, and the family is well cast, and the waiter at the restaurant made me laugh out loud. The whole thing is snappy in pace (lil' bit of filler, but that's par for the course with these movies) and has some snappy dialogue in places, and overall it's not a waste of time, not too shmoopy.

3/5 stars . (2) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it's clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that's not a dating app, it's purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it's not just family, or friend party that's not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it's supposed to be like "And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business". Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well... not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like "Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?" and since she's got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom's on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it's compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She's not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he's not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn't invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he's only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I've experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I've digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up ('cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There's touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck, so it makes the rec list at 4/5 stars.

Your rec list is now:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

That's all, kiddos! See you next time for the worst of the worst, complete with screencaps. You will *not* be disappointed.

#10

Okay, if I'm gonna get to the fanfic-y-est of all the Christmas movies - and it will easily take up an entire post - we gotta tear through a bunch because the season's almost over and you're not gonna have time to avoid/find these, depending. So we'll hit a high point first (because I've added to the 4-to-5 stars you-should-actually-watch-these rec list), and tear through a bag of mixed nuts, including the third David Haydn-Jones... treat... nah, this third one is the best (?) so far... though, um, that ain't saying much. Woof. Yeesh.

As a reminder - 3/5 means they aren't exactly a waste of time, 2/5 are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1/5 means I will never get that time back and I'm that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Let's kick off with one that may be my favorite, and got a 5/5 score, update the ol' You Should Definitely Watch This rec list...

Love At The Christmas Table

(Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, the guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls, several character actors you'll recognize, and the lead dude is familiar too though his name doesn't ring bells - Lifetime)

Look, from what I can recall, ol' Danica was fine in "Wonder Years", but as I mentioned in a past post, something has happened over the years and girl can't act. It's distractingly bad, because she's typically paired with heavy-hitters (even if they aren't well known). So I'm not sure if it's that she and the lead male really clicked or she really clicked with the director, but it was night and day. This movie is also from 2012, so maybe it's just been tough going acting-wise since then. In any event, don't let any other of my other reviews of her dissuade.

But the script and the direction are both *fantastic*, and I suspect it's partly because the concept was kept nice and basic: A man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the one. Boom. Lots of room to get some good character development and plot progression, and they did, since it's not bogged down with a bunch of extraneous stuff.

There is so much delight packed into the first half hour, you will be grinning. The execution of it is nicely done, too - as we go through the years, each Christmas is prefaced by "Age ___" to let you know how much time has passed, and they look subtly different in appearance and attitude each time. The parents are phenomenal, you're going to enjoy each one of them. The interactions between all parties feel real. And more on feels, this almost feels like a play - it takes place in a house for like, 90% of the movie. But every set is very cozy and crowded with things and/or people (in a good way), and nothing seems like it was perfectly placed, it's how these locations would actually realistically look.

The worst thing I can say about this movie is that I really wish the two leads were other people. They had fantastic friend chemistry, but I tell ya, not a ton of spark when it started bending romantic. And there are plenty of actors who look younger than their age, and maybe that's what this needed, more mature actors who could realistically be shown as teens with some sweet hair/make-up magic. Or, again, could be Danica. I don't know. But she comes across *legions* more relaxed in front of the camera here than in others I've seen her in, so that little bump in road aside (and truly, it's not intolerable - it's noticeable, that possibly poor casting of them, but it's not going to pull you out of the story).

You're going to love the last fifteen minutes, what she does for her dad, how he's walking and talking with his parents when she sees what----- I can't say it. I *genuinely* do not want to spoil this for you. And then the very-very ending is *chef's kiss*.

I want you to watch this movie, especially you who are fans of friends-to-more. Because, I mean, there's a STORY, thank you lord. It's not regurgitated same-ol', same-ol'. This is a really great character-driven piece, and honestly? I wish it had gotten optioned to be on the big screen. I think it could've really been included with other heart-grabbing, fan-favorite romantic Christmas movies.

5/5 stars

The (now newly) updated rec list of well-worth-your-timers:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) (5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

Christmas At The Palace (Not a person you'll have ever seen or heard of, ever - Hallmark)

I've regrettably watched "Christmas At The Palace" once through completely, and three times caught blocks of it because I basically leave these channels on all day, then when I pass by the remote, I'll flip through the main four giving us "originals" (Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, and the JV team over on ION), and that's that. This one has clearly been on *constantly*. And it sucks. Not one person - I'm not exaggerating - not *one* *person* in this movie can act. If you've ever imagined yourself in a movie or TV show and thought it impossible? Please let this movie give you hope. You can do it. Someone hired these people, they'll hire you.

Gives me hope writing wise, as well. What a septic tank of a script. Check it: once again we find ourselves in a royal circumstance where the prince is widowed or needs to get married because of blah-blah-law-queen -and-king -insist, who cares. This time though, he gets his Christmas boner --- I MEAN --- spirit via a former almost not quite professional ice skater. Seriously, they make a point to say she didn't make the Olympic team and isn't on the pro circuit, she choreographs for this travelling show thing. I mean characters with flaws, sure, but they shit on her in the first fifteen minutes. The whole movie in its entirety is embarrassing to watch. There is minor redemption in the (standard) best friends (one for each of the leads). They are.... tolerable. That's it, I almost said "okay", but I can't because they're so grating in most of their scenes.

And the two main gals? The lead and the best friend? Won't. Quit. Fucking. Smiling. I'm not exaggerating this - they are smiling easily 90% of the time. It is incredibly irritating. And there is zeeeeeeero chemistry between the prince and the ice skater.

Skip it. I can find something that's garbage enjoyable in a So Bad It's Entertaining way, but this one is absolute stank garbage, and they are pimping it like it's the second coming.

1/5 stars

. Christmas In Tennessee (Rachel Boston [again], Andrew Walker, some kid with really jacked teeth, Caroline Rhea, and Patricia Richardson - Lifetime)

Aw, shit. Here we go. After the Graceland one with Kellie Pickler (which you'll not see me report on here because I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it because she can sing, but she sure as shit can't act) my hopes are not high, though they *were* renewed to a great degree with "Every Other Christmas", which if you'll recall is on my rec list for you.

Bakery. Christmas pageant. Real-estate suits coming after the teensy town to build a ski resort. One of them is cute man. She is cute baker. She is also a single mom. And there's a mysterious sweet woman "Mrs. C" who *loves* the cookies - and so did her husband "Kris" [wink-wink]

:: sighs ::

At least nobody's trying and failing to fake a Southern accent, god and small favors and all that.

Listen, all I want is for there to be some originality. That's it. I'm not looking for perfection, I mean, that's subjective, after all. (Well.) Just fucking... I mean, look: don't make her a single mom, to start. Don't make her a baker, second. Keep your ski lodge in small town thing, fine, that's the conflict between them. But hey, what if she's the mayor? Have a Leslie Knope, politics-oriented, civil-service type as the lead character. Somebody who can go toe-to-toe and not have to sugar-sweet-charm her way around shit.

In any event, good acting from the leads, Caroline Rhea and Patricia Richardson are always good in everything, and there's some nice snappy dialogue. It's not too terribly saccharine. Fuck, fine, I'll stick it on the not a waste of time list it unless something goes way haywire. [time passes] Okay. I has a lil' smile on my face. It actually didn't typical too-too hard. The lead actors were great, everything seemed easy and casual between them. Too bad the plot was weak. Still though, didn't leave me feeling it was a total waste of time.

3/5 stars .

~ Let's do an Alicia Witt Trifecta! ~

. Christmas at Cartwright's (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

"Nicky is a single mother, unemployed and broke at Christmas and desperate to find a job in order to make her young daughter's holiday a happy one. With the aid of an angel, she gets a job as a department store Santa." - It is pure cheese. Alicia Witt should stick with drama, hundred percent, it is astounding how pedestrian her acting skills become when she has to get sweet/touching/emotional in the absence of any heart-grabbing stakes (think Lily Sunder). So anyhow, this is some piss-poor amalgam of Miracle on 34th and It's A Wonderful Life, but I'm giving an extra star because kudos for making the chick the Santa.

2/5 stars . Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane (Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson, Laura Leighton - Hallmark)

This almost got off the naughty list purely because Colin Ferguson is a fucking delight in everything he's in, he's one of those "elevators" as I call them - Mark Sheppard is another good example - because they elevate anything they're in, however shlocky, and if it's actually good, they help make it even better. This, according to my notes, is "exposition dumps coated in cheese", and it's that ol' chestnut of the saving the family home and oh noes dead parents and big city gal back in town and wow she's gonna stay! You've seen many iterations of this movie, don't bother. The house is fabulous, though, I'd live in it in a hot second.

2/5 stars (and that 2nd star is only for Ferguson - as stated before, Witt should stick to drama vs. awwww stuff)

. A Very Merry Mix-Up (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

Once again, please welcome Alicia, this time en route to meet her future in-laws as a surprise to announce the engagement (well, and that he's been dating someone at all - he's a work-a-holic who never gets home much - matter of fact, he's stuck finishing up a deal and has to meet her there vs. ride together) and "through a serendipitous series of events" has to ride along with a dude who turns out to be her future bro-in-law, who proceeds to wreck her phone with a drink, and then wreck the car because he's distracted. The MD at the hospital tells them not to sleep for the next 24 hours and that they need constant monitoring.

(Couple things while I have you: The former is an old wives' tale, and as for the latter, if they need constant monitoring, they wouldn't be discharged, they'd be admitted for, you know, monitoring. Jeez this part was so stupid. It was so they could slumber party and bond. Because there was no other way to accomplish bonding than via stupid car wreck and representing med professionals as stupid. ::sighs::)

You know, this would be a great movie if the plot was that she was a con artist. It's not. But wouldn't that be great? And the romance comes in when she has a change of heart because shmoop-shmoop-shmoop first family Christmas she's ever experienced? WHY AM I NOT A SCREENWRITER HOW DO I SUBMIT THINGS TO PEOPLE

Anyway, we find out fiance is scum, and later we see that his family is stiff and cold and miserable and a bit *too* much of a contrast to the other family. There's a cookie baking scene, check. The leads have pretty good chemistry, though. But oh, quelle horror! Name mix-up! Wrong family! Oh noes! Anyway there's a thing with a story about grandparents and a clock that's legit creative and sweet... but at the very end, I don't get why t.f. he didn't put the ring they found on her finger. This movie isn't a complete waste of time, there's just some choices in there that they whiffed that could've made it something special.

3/5 stars

. Hey! Let's do another like that - but oh boy does this one take a turn.

Dashing Through The Snow (Meghan Ory, Andrew Walker)

You'll recognize Walker from the Tennessee movie with Rachel Boston, he's the one with the cheekbones you could cut diamonds on (no seriously, it's just skin on skull, it's mesmerizing) and you know Ory from lots of other stuff. Be warned: she is annoying as all-get-out in this movie, and it's tolerable, but it spikes every now and again into the I Want To Shake You territory.

This one is bugfuck bananas, and I am here for it.

So it's a eye-roll premise, she gets stuck when her flight reservation gets screwed and then there's no rentals so she and this guy who are going in the same direction agree to share a rental.

Here's the thing: she's gonna work your nerves, I'll tell you up front. She's this whimsical perky but anal retentive ball of AAAAHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP!!!! that made me quit watching this movie the first time. I went back to it when it re-ran for one reason, and one reason only, and it is this:

After she makes a fuss at the counter to the attendant at the airport about her reservation being fucked up, when attendant is on the phone, she sneaks through to get to the other side (because, y'know - this is the Get On Plane side, over yonder is the Get Off Plane Side where it's easier to get to rental car vs. walking across the airport), and we learn that attendant wouldn't let her board and lied about the whatever was wrong and is on phone because homeland security or feds or whatever are there because some chick with her same name is an international criminal.

Phew! Out of breath.

Now, you have to overlook the fact of why would an international criminal who knows how to evade authorities all the sudden (a) use her real name and (b) make a fuss/a scene and (c) get herself caught all over cameras so that the authorities now know what she looks like for the first time in years. I'm warning you now. I know. I *know*. It's a piss-poor way of going about this, even though it does get explained in, like, the last 40 minutes and with a "Really?" sort of reasoning. But, interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. There’s also a wonderfully cute puppy who lights up the screen, totes steals the show.

So, there's a "twist" that I didn't find to be twisty, I called it the moment ___ interact early on, but that's okay, I can let that go, I guess the endings of easily 95% of movies I watch (blessing/curse). But - AGAIN! - interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. Only reason it didn't make a 3 is how annoying Ory's character is, and how stupidly they portray the FBI, with not listening to their top agent when he says "We're wrong - she had her identity stolen - call off the op." It’s not a “1″ but it may be a “3″ for you, you’ll have to make the call. But for me....

2/5 stars

. Hope at Christmas (The lead chick is familiar, her name is Scottie Thompson - Hallmark)

Single mom! Precocious daughter! Returns home to deal with dead grammy's house! Meet cute in bookstore! Mom not terribly into Christmas because kid will be with her dad! She slowly gets back into it! Plans on going back to big city! Ends up staying! Because lurve!

None of the acting was bad (I mean, the little girl is annoying after awhile), but as noted, the story is the same as most others. You make the call, folks. And you'll be able to, I've caught it airing after my initial viewing no less than four or five times, no joke.

2/5 stars . The Sweetest Christmas (Lacy Chabert - Hallmark)

This is about a gingerbread contest. It is boring as fuck. Skip anything involving Lacey Chabert, trust me, this is the only one I managed to make it all the way through, and believe me when I say it was touch-and-go, I had to make myself in order to give her a fair shake. I've never thought she could act, though, to me her voice is less delicate and more whiny, and besides, she's Poor Man's Jennifer Love Hewitt #sorry not sorry

1/5 stars . Just In Time For Christmas (Doesn't matter, though William Shatner does show up driving a horse-drawn carriage - Lifetime)

Meet Lindsay, a young - too young to be up for tenure, bee-tee-dubs - psychology professor has to choose between a book deal and tenure track at a prestigious university versus accepting the marriage proposal from her longtime, totally adores, really loves him (they are VERY pointed about establishing this) boyfriend. But hey, screenwriters, got a thought, and hear me out: why not both? But I get it, since this movie is from 1975, oh shit sorry, 2015. Yeah, no. Pass.

1/5 stars

. And finally, DHJ. This is gonna be short and sweet, because on the whole, it blew. But I'll tell you when/where you can watch the fourth, since I won't be covering it and it's gonna come on at an ungodly hour and I likely won't watch it. It sounds like ass.

A Bramble House Christmas (David Haydn-Jones, Autumn Reeser - Hallmark)

The premise is he's a children's book illustrator who comes to this little town under the guise of getting inspo for his next book, but really he's supposed to be confronting the nurse's aid to whom his now-deceased (and estranged) father left a shitton of cash, giving her an injunction (to the will) on behalf of himself and his sister.

But then, lurve. :::sigh:::

Understand up front that this is an hour's worth of "movie" that was stretched into 2 hours, man oh MAN did it drag. And there's all the typical: ice skating where one person sucks; cookie baking; tree decorating (with garish, not subtly-done product placement); also tree in the town square that is visited and "oooh"-ed upon; and precocious child with some oh-noes-sick-kid frosting on top. It is dreck. The premise, sure, okay, that's decently original, but the rest of the story is basic bitch in a bow.

At fifteen til quittin' time, it got straight dumb. She rushes off after she finds out the truth - on Christmas Farging Eve - packing up her and the kid and saying they're off to the airport. How? What? You got no ticket, bitch, where the fuck do you think you're going? Ugh. Idiotic.

One thing, though: if you can get to this in a manner that you can skip to about the 45 minute mark, do it. There is a *moment*. The way DHJ can pull an old Hollywood leading man *look* that says "My dear, I want to kiss you, and well" is a sight to behold.

2/5 stars (one of which is automatic, because DHJ elevates everything he’s in) . You can see the fourth DHJ movie - A Cookie Cutter Christmas - on Hallmark at 1 a.m. CST on Saturday the 22nd of December.

One last entry (#11, tomorrow or Sunday) then a #12 all its own for the pièce de résistance. I'm not overselling it. It is deliciously ridiculous.

Candace Cameron Collection check-in: "Switched For Christmas" is absolute nutterbutters. It is ridiculous and it knows it, so it goes full throttle. I am really impressed with her acting, doing the identical twin thing must be a bitch and a half to film, and she pulls it off. The split screens are well done, too, and not just for TV movie, I mean it's good-good. I'm telling you nothing about the plot. It's sugary sweet, you'll get cavities, and it's not my jam but I couldn't turn it off so that means.... something, I don't know. There was no wine involved, I swear. It's on Lifetime.

But nevermind all that: I know I promised the fanfic movie to end all fanfic movies, but I'd forgotten I promised *before* that to talk about the next David Haydn-Jones feature.

So, last night (read: early this morning, and as of this writing so it may not have been last night at the time you read this) when insomnia struck (read: woke me out of a dead sleep to say HEY IT'S 2 A.M. AND SHIT'S KICKING OFF ON HALLMARK), I groggily turned on the TV at about 15 after, and to what my wondering eyes did appear?

Hoo-boy. The look on his face says it all.

Now, as you know, initially DHJ tried to dodge my investigation. It did not work. And I found him trapped between an over-the-cute-line-into-annoying cotton-topped child and Winnie Cooper in "My Christmas Dream" (Hallmark).

And sweet babby jeebus, did he carry this movie.

I like Danica McKellar in real life - not from having met her or something, I mean because she's a giant ol' nerd, she's a mathematical genius, legit (look it up, I can't do everything, I'm shouldering these movies, my brain can't handle it) and she *sparkles* in interviews. Having said that, she's got Claire Novak Syndrome. Put the actress who plays Claire (I can never remember her name, I've no idea why) in front of a camera and it's all dolly dead-eyes, one trick pony angst... and in everything I've seen her in, I've talked about it before, I won't rehash. Danica’s opposite in that she’s ooooooooverdoing everything. I would actually take some flatness. But it’s still Claire Novak syndrome because something fucking happens when the camera starts rolling and it goes unnatural and awkward to watch. Dunno what it’s about. Who cares, not why we’re here.

Anyway, I am only touching on this movie for DHJ purposes, otherwise I wouldn't bother, it’s not worth the time to watch or tell you about, truly. It’s not the worst, but even he seems to be phoning it in for the most part. So. She's a department store exec and he's an artist that's been doing handyman work, they hook up when his *incredibly* annoying child somehow gets to the store on his own to ask if his dad can work there, she gets him home, her car battery's dead, flirting ensues, blah blah biscuits, stir and bake til crispy, and it'll still be sloggy goo in the middle. It's just straight dumb. Don't waste your time. They have negative-integer chemistry, it's pretty embarrassing to watch, honestly.

1 out of 5 stars, and that 1 is all for DHJ.

That was short, let's pop off a couple more:

Marry Me At Christmas (I didn't note the network or the "stars")

Horrid hair gal meets sentient Ken doll-Archie Andrews hybrid whilst planning his sister's wedding on the fly. Small charming town. He's big city, Hollywood, specifically. Yes, it's the prince and the commoner tale but instead of a prince he's a movie star. Cue the blecccchh. As it's called Marry Me At Christmas, they kinda blew their wad in the title, the sister's wedding goes through as planned, so no drama ahead there.

I really can't say enough about how badly they did her hair. She's got super-curly hair naturally, and I'm not a hairdresser and even *I* know the answer isn't Weigh It Down With Product And Hard, Then Don't Even Finger-Comb It, So It Lays Flat Pancake From Scalp To Ear, Then In Creepy Porcelain Doll Spirals To Shoulders. She looks great when she's in a hat and it's an outdoor scene and it gets tousled. But it's distracting the rest of the time, is my point. Oh, then they inexplicably straighten it for the wedding - curly hair can look *gorgeous* in a formal updo. The one time they didn't leave it curly.

Yes, this is the only thing worth discussing in the entire movie. Not even worth the bingo card. 1 out of 5 stars.

Speaking of hair:

Entertaining Christmas (Hallmark) - Jodie Sweetin, Brenden Fehr

Her hair, it's all I can focus on - it's this weird Southern mom bouffy thing when it's not pulled back somehow. Also distracting - and this is a lovely woman, if you've not seen her since she was a child on Full House - are the ill-fitting, unflattering clothing they've put her in. It appears Ms. Sweetin and I share an affliction of the stems, that being... (deep breath) ...hi my name is Nash and I have the legs of a linebacker. It's true. And not a ton of muscle definition, because when I do? Hoo-boy. Heavy-duty linebacker. Best they're left alone.

Point is, if gals like us do skirts, it ain't flattering to go above the knee, it's just not, it wrecks the silhouette and makes our already chunky-monkey legs look even bigger. And dammit if they didn't do it to her, and not even bother to put her in tights. This woman has huge hooters and a tiny waist, they could've had her rocking some crisp black slacks or a pencil skirt that hit mid calf and a snug lil' cashmere sweater and BOOM, you're channeling Mansfield and Monroe. Bonus that she's a natural blonde. But no, let's put her in matronly above-the-knee shapeless polyester-looking dresses. Ugh.

Okay, anyway - this is actually a decently inventive plot: she's the daughter of a Martha Stewart type, and she's "poised to be the new face of the brand" - problem is she suuuuuucks at all the cookie making and knitting and whatever. She's also of the thought that imperfections and unique family traditions are more awesome than the largely unattainable perfect-perfect blah-blah from mommy's magazine. I'll give them this: the mom is awesome and nice and kind and understanding, they were smart not to cliche it up and make her a hardass.

But even though it was a creative plot, it just slogs and is so bleh. If you haven't guessed the ending by that synopsis, I don't know what. It's, um... I mean... it's not great, but may appeal to some, so I didn't put it in the This Is A Horrific Attempt At A Nice Lil' Christmas Movie pile. Take that as you will.

Let us end on a semi-positive note:

Christmas Pen-Pals (Lifetime) - Sarah Drew (who?), character actor you'll recognize immediately (for those of a certain age, it's the dad from Family Ties), other people you'll never have seen before in your life

This should've been called Christmas Cupids because it's about a thing called Christmas Cupids. The people behind these movies are *killing* me.

This one's good, and mainly because the premise is great, it's about secret santa in a potentially match-making way, but hey could also make a good friend. The set-up is that Drew chick is a total brain and she wrote an algorithm for a match-making app but it's so scientific it's boring and as her business partner at said app company put it, it takes away the spark. Which is kinda dumb, because you get the spark when meeting the other person, ain't none of these dating apps giving you in-person spark. Whatever, they're losing users so they need a kick. I missed the part about how she re-worked an electronic app into handwritten letters, but that's neither here-nor-there.

I'm not gonna tell you who she ends up with - you'll guess it nearly immediately, don't worry - but know that even though it's predictable, there's several really sweet and unique moments that I haven't seen in all these other 50,000 carbon-copy Christmas movies. The acting on the part of our leading lady is a little extra, and the other lead is a little flat, and the flow/cadence to the story isn't quiiiiiiite there, but I'm giving it 3/5 stars, so it's not on the rec list, but not a waste of your time.

And just to recap the rec list thus far...

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

We'll see about doing a rapid-fire round-up next time, and maybe doing The Christmas Fanfic Movie That Out-Fanfics All The Fanfics And The Christmas Movies, but I legit want to watch it all the way through (I only caught the last half) so I can make sure I'm reporting accurately to the three people who are reading these (not bitter don't care doing it anyway).

I'm not overselling this, by the way. I'm not. It is *deliciously* bad.

Okay, as a reminder, the only movies which I've given over 3 stars/would actually recommend you spend your time on (and keeping in mind that a "5" does not mean it's a great movie, it just means it's not overly sad nor overly shmoopy, and doesn't hit a grotesque amount of recycled plots on the bingo card) are: . (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) . Those last two we haven't talked about yet, so I'll cover 'em at the end of this entry - first we're gonna shoot through the ones that aren't a complete waste of time and have recycled shtick, true, but aren't teeth grinding due to the acting or directing or whatnots.

And we're doing this because next update, I'm going to spend the whole thing on where you can find the Whyenne some of you love so dearly, you reblog her every chance you get. It's her. It. Is. HER. Every mannerism, every word, every---- well, I'm spoiling. That's for next time.

Okay, these are all in the 2-to-3 Nash star ballpark...

Dear Secret Santa (Tatyana Ali, Lamorne Morris) --> there's too much singing for padding the runtime --> you may like it more/find it more satisfying than Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves "The Lake House", and that's all I'm telling you plot-wise

Kristin's Christmas Past (Shiri Appleby) --> it's exactly what you think it's about by the title --> there's a really cute, snicker-worthy scene near the start with her younger self, and part of it reminds me of the vibe of the rapid-fire convo in Mystery Spot

A Twist of Christmas (Vanessa Lachey, and someone called Brandon Zub - I think - who is delightful) --> A dad and a mom are shopping for their kids and their bags get mixed up and blah-blah-blah ensues because they're opposites in many ways, but I didn't find it terribly grating --> it's an adorable sort-of snarky-sweet

Road To Christmas (Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray) --> nice premise, he's a good actor, and she's... well... ::sigh:: --> this chick in everything I've seen her in... she apparently has one gear, and that gear is coked-up mouse that skitters everywhere with her barrel-curled hair vibrating around her head... but in this one, she chills as the movie goes, so it's tolerable

A Christmas to Remember (Mira Sorvino, Cameron Mathison) ---> This aaaaalmost got on the rec list but I can't because the plot is weaksauce "Overboard" (80s movie, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, it's hilarious)... -->...but it wasn't the worst, because these two are such good actors, they sell it, and it's sweet, and keeps good pace, so there ya go

Okay, to the goods - next time we'll talk about the ass disasters - and one specifically that I 100% guarantee the fluff fans amongst us will love, despite my ripping it a new one. Which I'm going to do. Because of all these I've watched, the one we'll talk about legit flabbergasted me on many levels.

A Very Nutty Christmas

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart (heh) cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that's what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa's in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you're good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

She's a baker, but not some "Waahhh this is hard" sort, and there's no competition, it's nothing but what you'd expect - lotsa cookie orders at Christmastime, but again, she's not super-duper stressed, she’s got the appropriate level of “let’s go, people!”. Now, here's the cheese that I don't want to chase you away: her decorative Nutcracker comes to life (Barry Watson) and helps her out.

I know, I knoooow. And listen, at the first scene with him, you're gonna think that Barry'll be working your nerves through the rest - I sure as shit did - but stick with it, he ends up being very charming. You may actually be wooed. The character is completely sincere in all he does and says, and you’re happy to see her have this sort of person in her life, because she puts a lot on herself, and boy is that totally relatable.

Other good stuff is you'll recognize all the secondary characters (their actors, I mean), with the exception of the ex boyfriend, but he's well cast, he doesn't play the smarmy too heavily. There's also a good song behind the (standard) montage for once, and smart smart smart is their limited usage of Tchaikovsky outside of the blip of the ballet that we see. And kudos for that, too, limiting the ballet's role in the movie.

The whole thing is tied up with a very satisfying ending. It's fluff done right....

The Christmas Ornament

....and here's angst done right.

This isn’t about an ornament being magical or something how you might think from the title, I promise. It’s significant, but not in some otherworldly way. The situation(s) are absolutely plausible, it’s a believable story, and there’s not all this exposition that explains the characters’ backgrounds, it all unfolds organically, and you’re honest-to-god rooting for them, no matter if the story has them together at the end or not - you’re gonna find yourself saying “I’m okay with this happening for them either way, whether they stay friends or if it evolves.” On that note, kudos to the writer: Cameron’s character is very empathetic and doesn’t push Kellie’s character, not even once - he pushes her to get “out there” and interact with people and be social more than she has been, yes, but in a good friend sort of way (and Jewel’s character is doing the same - it’s in the “we care about you” way).

And this movie looks *fantastic*. The cinematographer and editor gave it big-deal-theater-movie-level treatment, no kidding. Some beautiful shots, especially some lingering ones at the ice rink. Bless the music supervisors, too - no shitty distracting music, and no one (if memory serves) sang for an extended period of time, if at all (I really don’t think anyone sang). Jewel Staite is a treasure, and for once the side-friend was actually necessary to the story, she was well-used.

I also liked it because Kellie’s character is self-assured in many ways, fragile in some ways - in other words, she’s real and she’s relatable. I took issue with one teensy thing, I didn’t track with how it was she was the one to apologize for a misunderstanding, because she actually wasn’t far off base; what she thought made sense for (1) how he’d behaved toward her, and (2) what she’d seen, and (3) what she knew because of what he’d told her prior. In any event, that’s the only real “flaw” (and it could just be a Nash thing) that I saw. This one’s well worth your time.

This entry’s about “Dear Santa” (Lifetime), part of the David Haydn-Jones quadrangle Christmas tangle. The plot sounds decent - cheese, but decent. I love Amy Acker, and I love DHJ, this should be a cakewalk.

[15 mins.in] Oh. Oh, my.

Yeah, I'm busting out the Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card, it'll be at the end. Let's see if we can get a win. At a minimum, I think we're gonna be checking a lotta boxes.

Other than our leads, we have poor man's Sean Hayes as gay best friend (h/t @butiaintgonnaloveem) on the scene, and he's outfitted in hot pink chef gear - AT THE SOUP KITCHEN - so that everybody's clear he's a card-carrying member of The Gay.

Shitty acoustic guitar riffs, cool.

Precocious child plays the flute... and shittily.

There's a homeless man whose shtick is that he won't come inside, never a roof over his head again, and I wanna know (do I?) where he's taking his dumps.

Related, the music continues to be shitty, and I mean toilet-clogging.

Ice skating "lesson", check.

Holy fucknoodles, two grown women are in a food fight. I do not get why Dollar Store Justine Bateman (the snippy girlfriend, the one that is so off-putting it is beyond the realm of possibility that this kindhearted and jovial man is even remotely interested in her despite knowing each other a long time) is so vitriolic, as she's known Amy Acker about five minutes.

THIS MUSIC

Christmas wish, check.

The green screen effect behind rich mommy checking in from the Caribbean is such ass, I am shocked. You Tubers have better green screens. How do you fuck up a green screen? You're a goddamn cable channel whose focus is movies. TV local news manages to do it with weatherpeople multiple times a day.

Acker and Jones save this dreck. The kid ain't half-bad, either. But they are the types of actors that everything out of their mouths just flows so naturally, even when the plot is ass. I love this Angel-SPN match-up.

JEEBUS HAROLD CRICKET he just said that they are *five* *figures* *deep* in back rent on the soup kitchen and - I quote - "I guess the bank's out of good will". DO YOU THINK?!

"I thought little girls loved to play the flute" is a line that was just uttered, and bless DHJ for actually getting it past his lips.

I forgot to mention, Acker's displayed some guilt a couple times now because earlier, there was a meet-cute (okay, apparently a near-run-over) incident with a mail carrier, a letter flew out, and - I *must* quote @butiaintgonnaloveem here again - then "instead of giving it back, she commits mail fraud and opens it."

Now, the guilt is because it's the lil' tyke's letter to Santa, asking him for a new mommy (dead parent/spouse, check) and she's also feeling guilt over tracking them down (why? boredom? sure, that's gotta be the reason, because to remedy the letter situation, you glue that shit shut and stick it in a mailbox, it's just going to an incinerator at the mail station anyway), but it's this misplaced Christmas wish that perplexes me. It's not like she nicked a bill or a wedding invitation or something that's actually important.

I'M A GRINCH

Oh he owns a snowplow business? That name again is Mr. Plow (Simpson's song ref, google Mr. Plow, I'm sure it's somewhere). And it's the song I wish I was hearing, this music is eardrum-thumping. It is a slobbery wet willy. It is *achingly* bad.

He just stared longingly at her and licked his lips, FML.

Now Acker's acting like a snotface. I don't dig it. I'd be cool with her being sharp and not taking the shit from Justine but being classy about it, they've got her being balls-out bitchy.

Why is it taking so long for the wealthy girl to be like HERE IS CASH MONEY FOR YOUR SOUP KITCHEN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE DAVID HAYDN-JONES --- like I get your charge cards or whatever are snipped, but go sell some jewelry or clothes from last season and shit.

She had the letter in her clutch? She's carrying it around with her? Why? WHY?!? I hate stupid writing. I hate it. Worse is that it's lazy. HATE. Why was it in her purse? Because someone needed to find it. And there was no other possible way to accomplish that, than having one of your leads be an absolute fuckwit, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR that stuff just works my nerves.

The confrontation scene is good. Neither are over the top.

Well how's about that? Her Christmas present check will cover the soup kitchen's debt!

Enough with the shitty guitar riffs, it's like I'm watching an SPN ep, and, no, that's not a compliment.

The longest montage for padding runtime is happening, and with another shitty song (but a tolerable one, despite the singer faking a lot of catches in her voice - I would know, I have a natural catch in my singing voice that I had to fight like a mofo for about six years in choir, but I've digressed, just tuck that nugget into your Nash file), showing Acker moping and DHJ sighing, then him running by the soup kitchen to sit in his snow plow and angst, and then....

....oh lookee there! She did the thing. Sean Hayes - in a sheer v-neck inexplicably over a long-sleeved cotton shirt like I'm presently wearing because it's what I lounge/sleep in, with a Coach neckerchief to top it all off (on god, I cannot make this up) - is now sassing DHJ, saying the letter thing was fate. And I mean... yeah, it was, right? Whatever, if DHJ was single and I had the chance, I'd be happenstancing my way near him as much as (and smoothly as, natch) possible.

I CAN BE SMOOTH SHUT UP

Smooches near the town tree square or whatever it is. And now we're back, and now the homeless dude has agreed to come inside, and we still have absolutely zero idea why he doesn't like being inside, and they have (checks time) less than 2 minutes to resolve it. *see below*

Nope. That's it. That's how it ends. The homeless man came inside. Because that was the primary arc.

No. It wasn't.

It should end with us seeing him come in, sure (I'll ignore the boom of Chekov's Gun firing in the background), but we end NOT with the moment between DHJ and random homeless dude - which, again, let me be clear is *exactly* what happened - but rather with him coming in and all the rest of the homeless comrades and staff and Acker and Jones greeting them, then we see our two main characters and the kid sitting down like a family, pull back, we see them through the window in which Christmas tree lights are reflecting, pull back further, it starts to snow, cut to credits.

Imma give this one 3 stars outta 5. It wasn't a total ass disaster, but it wasn't that great. It was okay. The Bingo card concurs, as it didn't get filled up, but it got damn close to being a 2/5 (in my mind, every bingo = a point off because it means it’s so unoriginal a damn bingo card could’ve written it):

Addendum:

Butiaint reports that "the homeless guy wouldn't go inside because the last building he walked into was a casino and he lost 'every last penny', so he could never 'just step inside ever again'," to which I, very calmly, replied --->

I'll do an addendum.... that still doesn't... I don't.... what? That's.... why not just say he can't make himself sit down for a homecooked meal because it causes him too much pain because his family died in a car wreck going out Christmas shopping and a dinner/meal was his last memory of them? It didn't need to tie into the money thing with her, that thread was fine on its own.... goddamnit I hate stupid writing

Back to quick round-ups and arbitrary ratings of a bunch of movies in the next one, once I get my notepad transcribed.

For some reason, this whole entry morphed into a recap of "Holiday High School Reunion" with Rachel Boston (Lifetime). You'll recognize this gal, she's been in others for Lifetime, and I personally recognized her for the pretty damn entertaining, sadly short-lived Witches of EastwickEnd series. It was a fan-frikkin'-tastic cast of awesome women, they made any sloggy scripts watchable. I digress.

I immediately empathized with this character because not even a quarter of the way into the movie she's (a) dreading her high school reunion, and (b) hates social media because she doesn't wanna have to justify/be asked about/etc. her life, as she's not where she wants to be. I personally would add onto that the distinct apathy regarding the details of everyone's life. It's either veneered in fabulous or dipped in drama-filled Debbie Downer. Blecchhh. I've digressed again.

There's been a brief funny daydream - if they do more, I'm in, it was pretty cute. And there's been a brilliant piece of screenwriting in this movie, and I want to share it for my writer buddies because it was a *pristine* show-don't-tell.

(Let me say here real fast, to paint you a picture, that she's dressed casually - hoodie, and I think lounge-y pants or maybe pajama pants, or maybe just jeans, can't recall - because it's clearly way past end of workday, and the character I'm about to talk about is in a crisp white button-down and tie and suit slacks.)

Her father arrives to find her on a porch that's covered in strings of Christmas lights wound around the poles/pillars/whatever you call them of the railings, and around the trimwork of the house, and they're these great pops of vivid colors in the night, first of all. So we're seeing her standing there, smiling and happy to see him, and what's in the foreground is a series of bulbs along the window or door frame, and one of the bulbs is out.

Instead of truly greeting his daughter, first thing he does as they barely start chatting, and while she's speaking, is saunter over right into frame, blocking our shot of her, and give that bulb a twist til it lights.

My immediate thoughts: He's a dick. He likes everything just so. He enjoys perfection. He's not interested in effort, just execution. He zeroes in on faults. He actively ignores/doesn't care about the fact that his daughter is happy to see him. He doesn't consider her important enough to receive his attention first and foremost. He's a supreme dick. And he's gonna make her feel like shit for where she is in life, which is her biggest insecurity, which he should know, because that's how good dads operate. But he's not a good dad. Not at all. And I bet he's about to donkey punch her feels.

All that from a twist of a bulb.

And I was right: he proceeded to make her feel like shit by being snotty about her job and comparing her to his golf buddy's daughter. Then she still managed to sit back down at her laptop and focus on what she was doing and smile a genuine smile, and now I like her and feel for her even more. No one would have blamed her if she cried, or snapped at him, or slammed her laptop closed and had an Angst Attack, and those would be writing choices too. But the choice is for her to make the best of things.

We also know this because it is reinforced with another good show-don't-tell via actions (versus her announcing it ad nauseam or other people saying it ad nauseam), when red punch gets spilled on her white dress at the reunion and the snobs are like "Ohmigawd!" and gasping, she goes "Well I think it looks kinda cool!" She does snag a cardigan because she's aware it's an eyesore, so yeah, she's lying to herself. It's clearly a survival mechanism, her childhood must've been a dream with a father like she's got (rolls eyes).

And the lie(s) she tells is to avoid the drama of not living up to the "Most Likely To Succeed" superlative, and even then it's a relatively minor lie, she's not making herself super-duper fabulous because she doesn't feel super-duper presently. She's cheerful without being obnoxiously Pollyanna, and her dynamic with her best friend (you'll recognize him, too, he's the dude who dated Regina George and who Cady had a crush on in "Mean Girls") is phenomenal, they have great chemistry and I'll be honest, I see where this is going and I've got some faith in these screenwriter(s) that they'll actually pull it off smoothly.

There's been a dance/song routine and it is horrific and I hate it. I hate it hard. It's stupid and lasts too long and is purely for padding the runtime. But. It had a good point, albeit one that could’ve accomplished in less time. The three queen bees who were her fake friends in high school, and are her fake friends now, all remember this routine to a pristine degree, and of course we see our girl whiff it the more it goes on, she knocks over a prop, turns this way when she should've turned that way, and I feel her - high school is utterly forgettable.

I’m about to digress, so skip the indent if it doesn’t apply to you - anyone reading this who is currently a senior?

Enjoy it, it's your last year, enjoy being kings of the hill. I liked my senior year for several reasons but the biggest one was that I was getting the hell out of there. I was liked, I was decently popular and I made good grades and was in honors choir, but I wasn't top-tier popular or the head cheerleader or the valedictorian or homecoming queen or always having a boyfriend, none of that, and what I was? That stuff I just listed?

None of it matters. I've not been to any reunions, because I don't care to reminisce. Not that it was horrible or something, it was... *shrugs*. I'm still friendly with the people I went to high school with, ended up going to college with a couple of 'em, matter of fact, and I like who we are as adults tenfold vs. who we were in high school. Because as grown-up as you feel? You're a child. You're all children. I was a child. We were all children (even the couple of gals who, um, had children/were preggers before all was said and done and diplomas hit hands). We were. It just is.

So I assure you: the people who still wistfully think about high school, the ones who "peaked" in high school? There's something mentally still childlike about them, and I don't have the time nor the inclination to deal with man/woman-babies. I'm a grown-up. So believe me when I say that life is about to open up like a motherfucker. And if you did happen to peak in high school? Leave that behind, too. Resting on childhood laurels won't serve you well, because other than some of those accolades getting you into college? Nobody - and I mean nobody - in grown-up world cares about that shit.

Oh christ another song. And a daydream (pseudo-flashback? hard to say, I was getting a snack). But again, more reinforcement of how high school doesn't matter to her but super-matters to others, in this case how she (former head cheerleader) didn't place give much memory real estate to how she'd broken off things with high school boyfriend (former quarterback), but it's like the first thing he asks about as soon as they're alone.

"Wow well... that was a long time ago," she says, starting to think back, then ultimately says - "I thought you were cheating on me."

He totally was, I don't even need to see a flashback, hundred percent, he's scum. Whoa shit, speaking of - another flashback whilst kissing him, but whoa shit part two, it went to a fun, happy memory with best friend. Not subtle, this movie - of course she'll end up with him.

The divas are now in the bathroom gossiping about her and don't know she's in there. Again, the not caring, this time more blatant - "She ruined the routine!" - "It's like she doesn't even care" - "Can't believe she broke up with him on prom night" - "He deserves better".

One of these bitches was the one he was cheating with, no doubt. They also talk about how one of them called around, found out her job wasn't what she passed it off as, that she's a wardrobe assistant vs. a right-hand-(wo)man to this swank designer. The Queen Bitch calls her "nobody", and the minor bitches are saying how they're her best friends and wondering why she wouldn't tell them the truth. Hey, cheerleaders: Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! ....fuck, this is gonna take too long.... Gimme a USIONAL! What does that spell? DELUSIONAL! *pom shakes* *high kick* *herkie* *round-off-back-handspring*

Oh lord why is she doing a weird impromptu cheer routine.... best friend jumped in to support and encourage and some people seemed to get into it but... the fuck? These screenwriter(s) are either on point or left field, jeebus.

Speaking of field, she and best friend are out lying on the football field, and they're talking fun memories - as in, the only ones that are vivid in her mind are the ones involving him, and vice-versa. I will give them this: the flashbacks are cute and short and don't derail the momentum. They're really well done. The songs are the whiff.

Now the queen bees are discussing their next routine. THE !!FINAL ROUTINE!!! AND SHE HAD A SOLO! (Why the shit are they performing routines at their reunion? I've heard tale of slide shows and videos and stuff like that, but fucking stage shows? Damn I hope that punch is spiked.) One of the minor bitches - the sweet ditzy one - is weeping loudly when Queen Bitch says our gal's officially out of their glee club. But she says "glee club", as in... they're the only 4 members? No other members are in attendance at the reunion? Looks like it was a big-ass graduating class. ???? Got me.

Our gal's mom - who is MARILU HENNER DID I MENTION THAT and has been woefully underused thus far - has overheard. Commercial break. I need a Mountain Dew.

We're back. Marilu is completely opposite of Dick Dad. Now we're in a random B story where one of the bitches is flirting hard with the principal.... and the mic's hot. But she ain't embarrassed, says she'll meet him wherever someplace at midnight. Oh and I forgot that best friend's not-really girlfriend flew out to join him as a surprise and he'd been like "Wha..." and she serves no purpose. Even now, when she gasps and squeals excitedly "Oh you're in love with her!" She ain't mad, and good, because nobody cares. And she's all pumped because she's made lots of friends with these people she'd never seen before in her life.

Fucknoodles the !!!FINAL ROUTINE!!! is bad. Now the solo. Our girl's taken the stage and Queen Bee didn't put up a fight, just stormed off. And here we go: she's making a speech about how she's not yet lived up to the Most Likely To Succeed, but their votes meant a lot to her, and she's not giving up. It's good shit.

And then they start chanting her name (it's Georgia, btw).

And then she starts her O Holy Night solo.

*sigh*

This movie is well-written but there's *so* much unneeded padding to the runtime. And she's on key and there's nothing wrong with her voice but it's nothing special. So what? Lots of people can sing in tune. I don't get it.

Flashback. Yeah, totes cheating, and he admits it - which, if she remembers, then that contradicts the earlier conversation when he denies it... huh? - and now she's in the gym, where she's bummed about the breakup. Best friend rescues, gets her up and dances with her for the last dance.

Have I mentioned that everyone looks identically the same? And we're supposed to be ten years out? Seriously. Hair and everything. Except for - and I don't know why - the bitch trio. (Dear Wardrobe and make-up departments: WHAT.)

So yeah yeah yeah, they share the last dance at the reunion because the whole thing was a fucking talent show-prom do-over (reunions are just not like that, y'all, I know I haven't been to one but my mother has - helped plan one, matter of fact - and they aren't Prom Part Deux, nor are there glee club and cheerleading routines, nor are they scheduled around major holidays. Dear Writers: ALSO WHAT.)

Ending is rushed and is stupid. Holy shit, they whiffed it. They actually ended on the totally unneeded B plot of the prinicpal seduction (which, by the way, consisted of a whopping 2 scenes... possibly 3, clearly it made no impact). This is the stupidest thing, they ended on such a bad note it leaves an icky taste in my mouth for this movie.

This one gets 2.5 stars out of 5. It had 3.5 for most of it, and then when we hit that first routine at the reunion, man did the points start coming off. This was classic fanfic: a ridiculous premise, sure, there’s things you have to overlook out of the gate (like, say, how nobody sane would plan a farging high school reunion at Christmas, at least not if they wanted actual attendance) but the execution’s great for the first half and then something happens and brains melt and it swerves into oncoming traffic and gets hit by The Trope Bus. ::sigh:: Ah, well.

Ermahgerd, "Christmas Shoes" is coming on *warning lights flash* * dives for remote, goes to safety of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries immediately *

Next entry: part one of the David Haydn-Jones Christmas movie trifecta. Finally caught one. It stars the chick that played Winnie Cooper. And holy jumping Jiminy Cricket, was it bad.

Candace Cameron will star in any movie that’s Christmas themed and I am determined to watch all of them. She’s typically cursed with a snoozeville co-lead. The Alaskan doctor one isn’t bad. The executive who’s there to examine the lodge one is absolutely snore-worthy. The one about the saving dad’s business with nutcrackers one is pretty okay. I am actively avoiding the newest one about magic shoes. Christmas shoes never ends well.

Double feature with someone I vaguely recognize as being from a CW show in the early aughts, but clearly not one I actually watched, or I’d remember. Anyway, broad strokes: one is from a couple years ago, she’s a single mom and there’s this locket with a nautical star on it that’s literally, um, locked, and..... it’s not brought up again til the end. You’ll know the movie because you’ll think to yourself “This doesn’t know what it wants to be” - is it about the locket and how it was a gift from her mother and she lost it and it was somehow pivotal to discovering who her birth father was? Or is it about the custody battle with the asshole ex-husband and her losing her job and being evicted? Or is it about the meet-cute then “crossed wires” recurrent situations with the shop owner’s grandson? I have no idea. But there’s precocious kids and a bakery. It had potential, and that actress is good and so was the co-lead, but script = hot mess.

Second one is about a poinsettia farm and stars Bo Duke/Jonathan Kent, depending on your generation. She’s from the big city and she’s a-comin’ home to save the family business! I assume she meets someone at a bakery, I wasn’t pulled in at all, my remote finger got real twitchy, but when I flipped back toward the end, surprise! She’s a-stickin’ around, she’ll run the family business, don’t sell the farm, screw her life at the other place with the things!

I actually have another recommend: “Operation Christmas”

Solid script, and hella fine acting by one Ms. Tricia Helfer. I have loved her since Battlestar Gallactica, SPN fans will know her as the lady ghost on the road who doesn’t know she’s dead. That chick. Killa actress. You wanna talk about a good crier on camera? Top tier, here. My cold, black, shriveled heart actually giddy-up’d and I possibly got misty when she bursts into tears in this movie. Also stars Marc Blucas, who Buffy fans will remember as Riley, and I like him, too.

There are precocious kids, and this coulda gone cheaply exploitative with the military angle, but it sticks the landing with only minor wobbles, it hits heartwarming vs. cheese. There’s an odd fixation on singing in the back half (several characters singing solo at various points), and it’s awkward to watch (and hear, because of the distinct shift your ears will detect between the “on set” and the “in recording studio” audio) because with the exception of one, when they blend it into a professional singer whilst slipping into a wee montage of Christmas tree delivering - or unloading, I can’t recall, who cares - the songs go on Way. Too. Long.

Except.

What they did during the talent show during the Silent Night number? That sing-a-long? Now, that I wish had been a little longer. A+ job, screenwriter(s). The very-very end was saccharine, but it was short, and that’s what counts because I realize you were trapped, this is Hallmark Christmas movie we’re talking, you had to do it, you’d been steady through the rest of the script, they wanted their shmoop, no one blames you.

Something called “The Sound of Christmas” has just come on, and there was so much exposition dump in the *first* *three* *minutes* that the titular sound is actually gonna be the click of my remote control. Oh lord looks like the lead male is poor man’s Ray Liotta who’s a high-powered blah-blah-blah. And seems it’s precocious child: petulant teen edition. I’m out.

David Haydn-Jones continues to elude.

Pattern detected: Plot--->

The conflict must be saving family business/home from certain doom

Business = service industry (store, bakery, gardening/plants/farm, lodge/hotel)

Female protagonist supes busy with her stuff and such in the big city; has to leave; returns; likely plans to stay forever

Precocious child, standard

Execution--->

One lead must be a notably better actor than other; neither may be on-point overall; if both are something, that something is teeth-grinding to watch and/or listen to

Exposition with (admittedly) necessary facts must come early on, and in dialogue dumps, preferably just one big fatty, and preferably between two people who already know this information vs. to someone who is not privy to this information

Character introduction/pertinent background must not trickle out organically over the first act via showing their actions and other characters' reactions; just throw in with that plot exposition dump

A big gun was pulled out last night - Patti LaBelle was briefly in one, watched some of it, was glad to see an original plot (mostly; see above, re: female protag mold) but then I thought better of it, googled, and yup, based on a book. Ah, we meet again, Not Original Story. This morning, tangentially related, something-something-rich-dude-reg-chick, and they were named Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet #fml #gag #stay away #get Austen out of your mouths

Presently playing is one whose plot sounds suspiciously like The Parent Trap: Christmas Edition, Nashville Style. Sort-of, I mean, we start there, then I'm not clear on where they drive to, but it's still Southern, and props to the filmmakers for not going nuts on the snow, someone actually did some research. I will also compliment them for only letting the folks who have some form of natural Southern accent/Southern cadence use it, the rest speaking in standard North American accents.

Now, two things: I love the Lohan version of P.T., a lot a lot a lot, and I'll hear nothing bad about it. Secondly, I'm going to refrain from commenting on shite Southern accents in movies in general, this one and elsewhere, such as in the Kellie Pickler Graceland-set Christmas one that aired yesterday that I could only tolerate in five minute increments as I flipped back and forth to Law & Order SVU frequently for palate cleanses #Mariska sorbet

But it got off to a good start, the opening credits were creative and unique, and I recognize the lead actors. Kids don't seem terribly precocious. Hmmm.

I shall give it a chance.

[time passes; returns to draft]

It's not Parent Trap, summary was garbage, it's not about the precocious kids, and no one has a high-powered career, no one is filthy rich, and both lead actors are really great. The chick is Sissy Spacek's daughter, I've seen her in other stuff before, have always liked her, I think she's talented. I recognize the lead dude from something I've seen before, too, he's a bit of poor man's Paul Rudd, but good. There's a somewhat difficult grandma, but she's not unlikable, you kind of get where she's coming from, and it's because it's Dee Goddamn Wallace, the queen of playing mothers (youngsters, google her, you'll likely recognize her, leave out the goddamn when you do).

The background music isn't overly country-fied nor syrupy-shmoopy twinkle-bells. The dialogue is actually decent and delivered believably by all parties. The kids aren't annoying. The side characters are just that, left to the side, there's no best friend/sister taking up screen time. The leads have an easy, natural chemistry. Holy fucknoodles, I might recommend this one to you. I'm actually watching this one. I'm legit watching it.

[time passes; returns to draft]

What I said above continued, then there was horse-riding and acoustic guitar and even a classic car. The chick wasn't the one leaving to go back to what-the-hell-ever. Nobody was pining for anybody, and the conflict at play was completely realistic. Okay, yeah. Recommend. Hundred percent. This is the angst-turns-to-love with a dash of domestic life AU fic many folks keep trying to write and not quite getting there (Hi, I'm Nash, and I'm supes blunt when I'm under-the-weather), then your bonus that it's set at Christmastime.

The exposition on backstory was done pretty dang smoothly, but better was that we weren't told who these characters are/were, we were shown. *And zero flashbacks* There's several great, snappy, shot-across-the-bow lines. There's a religious element that is pitch-perfect and appropriate and not overbearing. The ending song is a smidge too long, didn't need to hear the whole thing, but it's kept simple and the lyrics are sweet without being cheese, so I'll give it that. Pacing overall is a little wobbly, they probs could've trimmed a good ten-to-twelve minutes of runtime, and there's a side character who blips on the scene that was poorly cast as his lack of prowess sludges up the vibe (charismatic, he ain't, maybe he's somebody's spouse *ahem*), but this one's pretty solid, y'all.

It's called "Every Other Christmas", starring Schuyler Fisk, on Lifetime Movie Network - it just premiered the other night, apparently, so with rebroadcasts you should have plenty of opportunity to catch it.

Okay, back to the shmaltz.

My dearest:

[cue old-timey, slightly depressing instrumental courtesy of rickety fiddles; narration by Ken Burns]

Exposition anvils continue to drop from the sky with abandon, though I’ve not succumbed to my injuries, have no fear.

Alicia Witt was lovely in something about a novelist who was rejected by both successful novelist boyfriend and publisher, but then meets very successful other novelist who is hiding the fact that he is such. I only caught the last quarter. Disappointed in lack of fanfic about novelists. I tire of writing “novelist”.

Our regiment (myself, General Pup, and Lieutenant Pup) is currently surrounded by a tale of a stewardess who has gotten entangled with a dude whose daughter she was in charge of because unaccompanied minor on flight. Dude is the lead from “That Thing You Do”, he was the next Tom Hanks before Colin Hanks got old enough to fill that role. I am saddened this dude has not gotten mucho awards. None of this matters.

I am more of the sads that the flufferfic-ers have not stalked and mauled and chewed on the carcass of the premise of Whyenne being a flight attendant who captures Dean’s heart when she captures his vomit during a flight to wherever to do something. Or, scratch that; she magically cures him of his fears with her enchanted hoo-hah, because that’s how phobias work. And assuming there’s plot, the hunt for the whatever can take place on the plane, like that Harrison Ford movie or that Jodie Foster movie or that Kurt Russell movie. It would have to be a big-ass plane. They could still bang in the bathroom, even though there’s plenty of places to go.

I have no more plot to give, I am exhausted and according to the thing, you know, the thingy that tells what’s on next, there’s no restorative Candace Cameron in the near future. I may have to settle for one of the Duff sisters.

David Haydn-Jones remains elusive.

General Pup is barking orders. I must end here. Ever yours - Nash. #send vodka

[Transferred 2nd post]

Report from the front line:

There’s been a Denise Richards bakery-related jam. Also a Lacey Chabert - who is a baker - jam. The first had a Christmas cookie contest, the latter a gingerbread competition. Not to be confused. Something with people I’ve never seen before in my life just started, about a big CEO and a bakery. Candace Cameron was in another one, and though it’s bakery-free, those are all starting to blend together.

Send rations.

[Transferred 1st post]

I have felt like garbage and been homebound for two days, and then today (oh blessed event, and I am dead serious, I love it) the onslaught of Fanfic Movie Time has begun, a.k.a. Totes Ridiculous Christmas Situation Lurve-Conflict-Lurve Movie Season on Lifetime/Hallmark/that other network I can never remember the name of, and due to foggy brain I got sucked in. There was a king and ice skating, something about Louisiana with JDM’s wife where everybody’s hair looked horrendous, and then another one with Candace Cameron in Alaska. It was great. Legit. I haven’t laughed as hard. It helped me cough up disease. #bless you Candace

#Nash Watches and Rates #Cheesy Winter Movies #so you don't have to #Cheesy Movie Talk #Not SPN #though sometimes #SPN Tangentially #Back to our #regularly scheduled #programming shortly #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

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department-shoe-stud · 4 years ago

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Background of Papa and Mum O’Reilly

Joseph O’Reilly

(nee Joseph Fischer) was born to Onangwatgo (Went by Owen, because white people) and Laura Fischer (nee Scott) in Edinboro, Pennsylvania on August 4th, 1937. His father was a wizard of the Bear Clan of the Oneida people. While his father was raised in an Oneida community (technically not a reservation, as there are no more official Oneida reservations in Pennsylvania), he moved out rather young and married Laura, a freshly graduated Pukwudgie. As the Bear Clan is associated with Medicine Men, the fact that Joe grew up and placed into Pukwudgie like his mother is unsurprising.

He graduated with fairly good grades and very good references, and took a job in Magizoology straight out of school. The job took him around a few different places, mostly Great Lakes area and Southwest US, but when he was about 27, he went on an expedition to England and immediately landed himself in St. Mungo’s because of improper Abraxan treatment. It was at St. Mungo’s where he met Aoife, and fell head over heels instantly. Or at least, as head over heels as you can when you have a severe concussion and are riding the high of shock because your arm is broken. While one might think his awkward attempts at flirting might have endeared her to him, it was actually how he was so loopy that he was barely stringing the pick up lines together but he was still lucid enough to stop his ramblings and critique her assistant’s healing methods.

As stated, Joe is half Oneida, but it feels like a strained connection for him, as is a problem for many biracial people. His father had ties to the culture because he was raised in a tight-knit Oneida community, but still departed from the culture rather young. He returned for thanksgiving festivals and ceremonial dances, but Joe wasn’t raised in the same way. He still went to the festivals and dances with his father, and he knew some of his aunts, uncles, and cousins, but he always had a slight sense of ‘I don’t think I belong here’. It wasn’t anyone saying anything, it wasn’t any looks he got, he just felt disconnected in a way that unsettled him. His internal relationship with his Oneida heritage was strained even further when he went to England, fell in love with an Irish woman and took her last name, moved to Castlebar, Ireland, and only visited festivals when in the states, which was only about 40-50% of the time.

Despite this disconnect, Anna Louise, after a bit of fall-out with her father in regards to Jay, asks him about Oneida culture. When he relays some of the cultural aspects, albeit a little awkwardly, due to not talking much about it, Annie gets fully invested and sets about trying to connect with her Oneida heritage. While Joe has reservations at first, scared that he’ll still be too disconnected, when he’s welcomed back with open arms by the community when he and Annie return for the Thunder Dance ceremony, he works through his internal walls and has an absolute blast. Annie meets some of her second and third cousins and gets along like a house on fire (rather standard for Annie, she’s very personable), and she immerses herself in Oneida magic, coming back to Hogwarts in her seventh year shouting, “GUYS I LEARNED THE CRAZIEST SH*T IN AMERICA, WATCH THIS!”

Because of the healing magic that was the main focus in the Bear Clan, plus her father’s Pukwudgie support, Annie learns a lot of healing spells and potions (using much more of the former rather than the latter) that she uses often when dealing with the creatures she works with.

Aoife O’Reilly

Was born to Huh??? and Who??? on March 13th, 1941. She was a few weeks old when she was left at a muggle orphanage in Whalley, Lancashire. At the ripe old age of three months, she was adopted by loving muggle parents Leon and Riona O’Reilly (nee McCorrmick) and taken to Castlebar, Ireland. Leon was a former heavy weight wrestling champion and still had the imposing figure and energy. Riona was in charge of a lovely little pastry shop on Main Street. They were meant to be.

Clearly having no clue that their daughter was in possession of ~~~magic~~~, it came as a shock to no one that, after 11 years of explaining away strange happenstances and odd occurrences, they were relieved to receive her letter stating, No, they weren’t losing their minds, their daughter just had magic and the school was ready to train her. It didn’t stop Leon from chasing the owl around the living room with a broom because Darling how the hell did an owl get in our house, the doors and windows are locked!

Aoife attended Hogwarts and was Head girl and a Ravenclaw Prefect for as long as she could be. If she could have been Prefect from year one, she would have. Not because she liked being a narc, she had JUST as much of a problem with authority as her kids do, but because she liked the sound of it. The prestige. That’s Aoife’s main motivation for things. She liked saying, ‘Look! Look at me, an adopted witch from some muggle parents! I’m getting all of these accomplishments, and I’m doing it while being Irish!’ One has to wonder, if she wasn’t so hellbent on learning as much as she could, her hellbent motivations would have placed her in Slytherin for sure and with pride.

After graduation, immediately after, she applied to St. Mungo’s and was accepted. She interned and trained in record time, and was made a head nurse by age 21. At age 24, she was called in to take care of some Magizoologists that had gotten too close to an angry Abraxan, and was greeted by the most injured one by wide amber eyes and a cheerful, “Hello! You’re beautiful! Did you know that?” While he stumbled through more jumbled sentences, increasingly less and less coherent, she checked over some of his charts and had a trainee tend to his wounds. Suddenly, he stopped his sputterings and frowned, looking at the intern tending to him and said, “Why are you using Episkey? Brackium Emendo would be faster, wouldn’t it?” When Aoife looked up at his words and her intern’s sputterings about ‘Healing the head wound first’, she smiled at his scoff and rebuttal, “Healing my head is gonna make me feel the broken arm, and I’ll cry like a baby. Emendo my arm, dumb-dumb.” Once he was healed, arm and head, she asked him if he wanted to get some coffee with her on her break.

After dating for two years, Joseph proposed at the wharf in Inishcottle, the site of their real first date, and Aoife said yes. Their wedding ceremony was held in Galway, on account of Joe’s family being able to apparate and the O’Reilly’s needing a passport. When the topic of last names came up, Aoife made the very good point of, “I’m already Dr. O’Reilly,” (As she had gotten a magic medical degree by this time), “I’m not going to change it.” And Joe had no qualms with that, taking his wife’s last name with a wide smile.

Shortly after their wedding, Jacob Leon was conceived, and six years later, Anna Louise joined the fray as well!

So... yeah!

#the backstory no one asked for!#...#the backstory TWO people asked for!!!#but seriously #i get why yall make these #this was so much fun!!!#hphm #anna louise o’reilly

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likeivesailed-blog · 8 years ago

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Brisbane Matilda Trip- January 14 2017

So I haven’t written a review before but I haven’t seen or heard too much about the Brisbane Matildas so I thought somebody might be interested in hearing about my wonderful show experiences. WARNING- this ended up being a very very long and detailed post!! I was lucky enough to see the show a few times in Sydney but it’s been almost a year since I saw my last show (Sydney closing) and I was having Matilda withdrawals. So in November I booked a trip to Brisbane with my mum to see the show again. It’s quite a trip to Brisbane for me- a 5 hour drive from Canberra to Newcastle to meet my mum and then a flight to Brisbane- so I booked cheap restricted view seats in order to be able to afford to see two shows. My mum had seen the show with me once in Sydney and had not particularly enjoyed the actress’ portrayal of Matilda in that performance. She’s quite critical and hadn’t enjoyed the stoic, expressionless take on the character. I was definitely hoping she’d enjoy the show a bit more this time around because I wanted someone to be as excited about the show as I am. The Matinee performance featured Annabella Cowley as Matilda, Ethan Beer as Bruce, Alice Lowther as Lavender, Reuben Rivalland as Nigel, Caliese McEachern as Amanda, William Todd as Eric, Romme Williams as Alice, Emma Cobb as Hortensia and Zac McCulloch as Tommy. All the main adult cast were on except Rachel Cole was on for Mrs Phelps. I’ll start by saying that our seats for this performance weren’t great which I knew in advance. They were on the far right of the stage and about a third was obstructed from view. That being said I wasn’t bothered by it and we were only about 6 rows back so we had a close view of all of the front of the stage. However being school holidays there were lots of young kids in the audience and it was a bit noisy. I had a 4-5 year old girl behind me and she struggled to understand most of the show. She was constantly asking her mum questions and although she was super cute she was pretty loud. At the end of the show, just before the Wormwoods and Rudolpho rush in Matilda is standing quite close to the front of the stage on the right looking out over the audience. The little girl comes out with “Mummy, why isn’t she waving at me? Why isn’t Matilda waving at me?” It took all my might to hold in my laughter it was so sweet but I’m pretty sure the entire audience (not to mention the performers) could hear her. Annabella was very good. I can’t work out exactly how to describe her portrayal of Matilda. She was fearless but a little bit aloof and softer than some I’ve seen. I personally really enjoyed her version of Quiet (my favourite song in the show) and some of her line deliveries were particularly good. She did stumble on a few of her lines and although her accent was quite good it was a bit forced and I could see her concentrating on it for most of the show. I’d love to see her again a bit further into the run to see what she would add to her performance once the accent comes more naturally. Ethan Beer as Bruce was the stand-out of the other children. His monologue before Bruce was the clearest, and best-timed/articulated that I’ve heard. His vocals in Revolting Children were excellent and his dance moves were outstanding. I was really impressed with him. There were no other real standouts amongst the kids in this performance. When it comes to the adult cast I always leave feeling awestruck. I know I’m biased but I feel like we are incredibly lucky to have these talented performers in the show. Elise McCann is such a warm, soft and gentle Miss Honey and you can really feel the connection she has with each of the children. Her voice is also beautiful. Marika Aubrey is faultless. Seriously I can’t imagine seeing anyone else as Mrs Wormwood she’s just so incredible. For me Loud is a song that I think could be quite annoying but she sings it with the perfect mix of spoken lines and variance in volume, inflection and tone that it’s supremely confident and patronising without going over the top or being screechy. James Millar also never fails to impress me. His comedic timing with line delivery, paired with his physical comedy skills are so brilliant. I think he gets more laughs out of the audience each show than the other cast members combined. This was my first time seeing Rachel Cole as Mrs Phelps and I quite enjoyed her portrayal although quite different to Cle Morgan’s. Rachel’s Mrs Phelps has a very endearing, and in my opinion, convincing Irish accent and comes across as much more child-like and excitable than Cle’s. She just seems so enthralled and amazed by Matilda and her stories and she seemed to interact with Annabella a lot more which I enjoyed. Overall both my mum and I thought the performance was very good and we were excited to be going back to see the evening performance. Although I had tried not to see or hear too much about the Matildas before going I had listened to a recording of Venice and I hoped to get the chance to see her. When I walked into the lobby of the theatre for the evening performance and saw Eva’s name on the screen I’ll admit I was slightly disappointed... that feeling did not last long. After seeing 5 different Matildas in 6 performances (and numerous other musicals) I have to say that I have never experienced such a powerful performance. I feel so privileged to have witnessed this show. It was absolutely phenomenal!!! Besides Eva the evening performance featured the same adult and child cast with the exception of Exodus Lale as Bruce. The audience for this performance was so much better than the one earlier in the day and right from the first lines of miracle they were involved. The whole show was filled with laughter, applause and cheers and it really changed the energy and the atmosphere in the theatre. The same child cast I hadn’t been particularly impressed with were so much stronger and energetic and every cast member on stage fed off the audience’s enthusiasm. It’s amazing how much the audience’s interaction and attitude can influence a performance (for better or worse). Our seats for this show were also better. Although billed as restricted view I could see 90% of the stage and we were only 3 rows back with no seats in front of us. Those seats had been removed to allow for the stairs to the stage that the performers enter and exit by so we got a very good view of James Millar as the trunch during the Bruce scene where he pauses to declare chokey as the second part of the punishment. I could have literally reached out and touched him (I didn’t of course in case you were wondering). From the moment Eva rose from below the table in Miracle I had a sense that the performance was going to be strong. There was just something about the way she carried herself and she had such a determined look in her eyes. Right from the outset it was clear that there was no vulnerability to her Matilda and neither Eva, nor her Matilda lacked any confidence. A few things about her Matilda became apparent in the first couple of scenes and it made me incredibly excited to see what she’d do next. - Her British accent was effortless and flawless. I very much enjoy the sound of this accent and I’m so glad the Australian production decided to teach it to the girls however it doesn’t come naturally to all the Matildas and it can sometimes be distracting when it’s obvious they’re concentrating so hard on not dropping the accent. It’s such a big ask and I find it so impressive that they’re able to do it at all. Eva’s accent was so natural that it enhanced the performance for me instead of detracting from it. - She was very responsive and reactive to everything that was going on around her. Even when she wasn’t the main focus of a scene there was not one minute on stage that she wasn’t completely present as Matilda. This made her Matilda incredibly easy to relate to. - Her face and eyes are incredibly expressive and her ability to show exactly what she’s feeling through facial expressions and actions is the best I’ve ever seen. It was difficult to take my eyes off her because I felt so invested in her story and how she was feeling. - Her line delivery, timing and the choices she made in portraying Matilda were incredibly well thought-out, considered and natural. I also found some of her choices unique to her which is always interesting. No line was ever rushed, felt contrary to her chosen portrayal or mumbled and as such nothing felt out of place or false. It was very easy to follow the story in this performance. Ok so now to all the details. So many line deliveries and choices were unique from what I’ve seen so far, and in my opinion, perfect that I almost want to describe the entire show. Her Matilda was angry. At the beginning of the first act it was very subtle, bubbling below the surface and only noticeable in small expressions and the intonation and tone of some lines. By the beginning of the second act it was more pronounced, but never exaggerated or over the top, shown in a few clenched fists, a clenched jaw, and some very scathing and pointed looks. This built very strongly and cleverly right up until The Smell of Rebellion where you could see the anger written all over her face and it just boiled over into “big, fat bully” and “Quiet” when she just couldn’t control it anymore. Every Matilda I’ve seen has practically shouted/yelled/declared indignantly the “I’m a girl” lines. Eva instead very firmly and evenly states “I’m a girl”, giving the impression that she’s said it so many times in her life that she’s simply resigned herself to the fact that her father is never going to acknowledge that she’s a girl. There’s also a very subtle hint of anger and frustration in her voice about this. Naughty- the part on the shelf was the strongest I’ve seen largely due to her facial expressions. Her ninja moves were also very sharp and strong which is something that fits my personal preferences. The only thing that could even remotely be considered a mistake on her part happened during the first library scene. There was a slight hesitation from what I imagine was a lapse in memory but she ad-libbed so quickly, and resumed the correct dialogue so seamlessly that I would have had no idea if I wasn’t so familiar with the show. When I spoke to my mum about it during intermission she had no idea what I was talking about. In the scene at the Wormwood house, where Mr Wormwood tears up the library book, Eva’s facial expressions and acting choices were so good. Instead of just sitting silently she chooses to open her mouth to appear as if she is about to talk back to her father but she gets silenced when he rips the book from her hands. She then goes from looking shocked and appalled, to looking downright incredulous when her father acts like an idiot (especially when he slams his face against it and shakes it in his mouth) and can’t even work out how to ruin the book. Rachel Cole’s more child-like Mrs Phelps really complemented Eva’s Matilda who seemed like the adult in all of their scenes together. She was so enthralled and enthusiastic about the stories. Eva’s stories were inspired- her intonation, tone, volume and facial expressions changed so appropriately that you couldn’t help but be sucked in by them. Quite a few of the other Matildas I’ve seen have been caught up with the accent, a bit rushed/mumbled or seem to be concentrating so hard on remembering the words and accompanying actions that it’s hard to stay in the moment. With Eva I couldn’t wait for the next part they were so expressive and engaging. Her reactions to Mrs Phelps’ interjections and interruptions were also played differently from what I’ve seen before. Her “I don’t know, not yet anyway” was quite drawn out with a slow and considered “I don’t know” like she was surprised by that and a 2-3 second pause before the “not yet anyway”. You could see her really trying to think about it and work out what might come next, like she was just as interested to know as Mrs Phelps, but she just didn’t have anymore. It felt very realistic. And all of her exit lines “Bye Mrs Phelps see you tomorrow!”, “yeah I’d better go” were also delivered differently. They’re often played for laughs but Eva’s deliveries were very serious. You got the sense she was very much trying not to burden Mrs Phelps with the reality of her situation. There was also a heartbreaking hint of sadness, especially after Mrs Phelps declares it “must be nice for a child to be so wanted”. She held her face and tone even (with slight forced positivity) during her “Yes, wonderful. Goodbye Mrs Phelps” but after she’d turned around her face dropped, her shoulders dropped and there was deep sadness in her eyes. I felt like crying. You could just see the weight of the effort for such a little girl to be so strong all the time against all the bullies in her life. Her delivery of “Mrs Phelps, It’s just a story” was also quite unusual. Mostly I’ve seen Matilda appear quite incredulous that Mrs Phelps could think it was real, or it’s played for laughs. Eva didn’t do either of these things. Instead she calmly and slowly said, “Mrs Phelps?” with a questioning intonation. It came across as very concerned, trying to make sure she was back in the present moment, and led into a reassuring “it’s just a story”. She spoke to Mrs Phelps in a very similar manner to how a mother might speak to a frightened child. It was interesting and quite effective given Rachel Cole’s Mrs Phelps. It might not have felt so believable with Cle Morgan’s portrayal but I obviously haven’t seen this and I wouldn’t be surprised if she adapted her delivery to suit. In the playground scene when Lavender introduces herself you can see she’s very confused and not quite sure how to take such a happy, bouncy, outgoing child. You can practically see her thinking “Who is this kid and why is she talking to me?” She starts to soften after Lavender declares her her best friend after the success of the narcolepsy scene. Another thing I really liked was her reaction just before the “biggest hug in the world”. Often I find that after Miss Honey explains her plans for the selection of books to challenge Matilda’s mind there’s just an uncomfortably long pause. While I know what’s supposed to be happening in Matilda’s head it’s mostly not very clear and the pause seems to stretch out too long. Eva’s eyes, however, initially showed some confusion- it was obvious she wasn’t used to such kindness and didn’t really know what to do. Her expression then changed very slightly, it was almost a twitch, and I don’t really know how to describe it… gratitude perhaps… and then she launched herself into Miss Honey. She managed to convey in this performance what has been lacking in most others I’ve seen. Now I should probably also mention Exodus Lale as Bruce at this point because he matched Eva in his strength in this performance. They are an incredible pair together. His Bruce is very funny and his timing and expression in the Bruce monologue was great. He also did something I’ve never seen before. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always sat straight on to the stage and haven’t been able to see it but just after he’s sat in front of the cake he looked around the classroom and mouthed “help me” with an incredibly desperate/pleading expression to a few of the other kids. I thought it was funny and very clever. His delivery of “thank you” after the Trunch appears to be letting him off the hook was also different- very incredulous but obviously relieved. Overall the strongest Bruce performance I’ve seen and I was overall very impressed with the two Brisbane Bruces I saw! Ok I promise I’m up to the last few points. Eva’s quiet is one of my favourite renditions I’ve ever heard and certainly one of the best 2 I’ve heard live. The first part of the song is incredibly strong and angry, her face, her voice and her hands/arms (forced trembling) all show how much she’s struggling to contain it and her articulation of all of the words is very clear and controlled. All of this anger builds up to a very strong, clear and controlled belt. The second part of the song is strong but incredibly smooth and beautifully sung. It seems effortless. I wish I could listen to it over and over. Her delivery of the “Am I strange?” line was also very unique. It was delivered fairly slowly with the “strange” spoken very softly, almost whispered. It gave me the impression that she was a little bit in awe of her powers and slightly scared of the way her overwhelming anger had manifested. It led to the next exchange with Miss Honey being quite sweet and you could see how much they cared about each other. It became quite a powerful scene for their relationship and fed very nicely into what is the most interesting My House scene I’ve witnessed. You can just see everything Eva’s thinking and the lines are so well timed with her taking in her surroundings and also processing what Miss Honey is telling her. You can practically see the moment she understands how Miss Honey sees her small, modest house as her sanctuary. She’s also very focused on Miss Honey during the actual song when they’re sitting side by side… there’s no wandering eyes or moments with no expression on her face. The “but she’s got everything that’s yours” is almost pleading as if she knows Miss Honey is going to be averse to doing anything about it. She’s practically looking into Miss Honey’s eyes, trying to read her and understand her, for quite a bit of the song. As a result the two characters interact quite a bit more and I felt more of a connection between the two in this scene than I have before. During the whole show she only made three choices that didn’t really appeal to my preferences. I felt she emphasised the “shiny, white scarf” a bit too hard in the first part of the story. It was very slow with a pause between each word. She did turn to Mrs Phelps and look her directly in the eyes at the time- almost as if to make sure she didn’t miss what ends up being a key part but I would have preferred it to be more subtle. She also played the “could have heard a fly burp” for laughs a little bit which just isn’t my preference. I like the line delivered seriously as If she doesn’t realise that her story could maybe be funny. She also exaggerated the “That was badgers, it was a program about badgeeerrrrrsssssss” line and drew out the last badgers quite long. Marika Aubrey’s adapted response of “same thiiinnnggggggggg” with the same drawn out delivery and tone almost makes me like it. And Eva’s expression of sheer disbelief when her mother days “Russians are nocturnal you know” was just priceless. Well you’ve made it to the end. I think you can see how much I enjoyed the performance and my mum was completely blown away. She couldn’t stop talking about how amazing Eva was and she doesn’t believe the show could ever be done any better than that. Regardless of personal preferences her performance is so strong, and so totally present that you can’t help but appreciate her brilliant performance. She’s truly incredible. It was also lovely in bows to see her smile after seeing only negative emotions during the show. The whole crowd also loved the performance and rose to their feet for a standing ovation but it happened while they were turned to acknowledge he orchestra so she did this delightful little bounce and giggle when she turned back around to find everyone on their feet. She practically skipped off stage in joy. Every single performer on stage for this performance was absolutely on the top of their game. So if anyone is lucky enough to see Eva as Matilda be prepared for a phenomenal, and emotional, show.

#matilda in oz #matilda #matilda the musical #annabella cowley #eva murawski #matilda brisbane #qpac

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