#is anyone still here?? kissing you
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tagged by loml @cordiallyfuturedwight for the monthly breakdown. i might like you less now that you know me so well. tagging some crushes @aprylynn @thvinyl @monismochi @kimtaegis @banghwa @eoieopda @pauls-mccharmly @letmelovekoo @visionsofgideontheninth @kimchokejin if you feel so inclined 💜
#gratuitous commentary as per:#ryan beatty no.1 to no-one's suprise. pretty sure i said last month that white teeth was a new fav and look at her now!!#BACK ON 74!!!!! always been a fan of jungle but my GOD. this track... the mv... it's taken over my life#unexpected breakthrough for the clash? no idea. great tune though#boygenius my beloved!! saw them live last week and i will perhaps never be quite the same again.#whole discography is a rec but leonard cohen has my heart in all senses#hozi3r... unreal unearth... it's a masterpiece... it's over for my wrapped#top artist yet only these two made the list? lord forgive me#first time and first light are spectacular. butchered tongue is otherworldly. i think unknown remains my fav single.#shy boy - fucks beyond belief. new crj album is magnificent as anticipated#dela - recently i have experienced a george of the jungle resurgence and this is very much the result of that.#phenomenal tune. extraordinary film.#come to your senses - tick tick boom revival for me also because andrew garfield the man that you are...#alas 40/23 doesn't have quite the ring to it#move - lynda dawn is fantastic. a lot of these tracks fell victim to my ayo edebiri playlist <33#that's all folks!#tag#receiptify#is anyone still here?? kissing you
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Guys, the new year hasn’t started for me yet, I still got a few hours to go but I’ll mine-as-well make this post since I’ll probably go to bed anyways- 😂
First, I’d like to say
WE GOT A NEW BANNER LET’S GOOOOO‼️‼️‼️‼️
HELL YEAH! -I mean it’s just the characters but- HELL YEAH‼️‼️‼️‼️
SECOND. I want to show you something AMAZING and that something I’d never expect??
321 FOLLOWERS????
YOU GUYS ARE INSANE THANK ALL OF YOU SO MUCH MY GOD‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
It really makes me think how all of you guys really like and appreciate my art, and the fact that so many people encourage me to keep doing it, it brings me to tears! 🥹
Every one of you are the best thing in my life!! The first time I got Tumblr I started in:
March 30?? That’s insane- 💀
And the fact that I’ve improved SO MUCH is just INCREDIBLE!
You wanna see the FIRST drawings of Peppino??
YEAH THAT’S ME I DID THIS-
And you’re telling me that this was in what- THE START OF MARCH?? (Or February I don’t remember-) But this is just the PINNACLE of how much I’ve changed in terms in art style and experience.
I bring this up because I think Tumblr is the REASON why I improved so much! I experimented with brushes (digitally) and I found my brushes!! I learned how to EXAGGERATE AND ACTUALLY DRAW CARTOONY LIKE I’VE WANTED TO FOR SO LONG!!
(And NEVER took an art class. That’s fucking what- 💀 I need to take one I actually need to at this point-)
Also also also- I’ve learned a lot of things! Anatomy, exaggerative expression, stretchy cartooniness, ALL OF THESE ARE JUST- I can’t believe I’ve learned all this because one day I decided: “Maybe I should ACTUALLY get a social media for my art? 🤔” AND I DID IT AND CHANGED MY LIFE‼️‼️‼️
YOU GUYS CHANGED MY LIFE!-
My followers!- My mutuals/friends- I NEED TO SAY HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE ALL MY MUTUALS, ALL OF YOU 💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕
Everything about Tumblr has changed me in SUCH a positive way in not only terms of art but with how many people (TALENTED PEOPLE) I’ve made FRIENDS with AND ACTUALLY got to know!!!
I already said it but you guys are absolutely AMAZING and I just CAN’T FATHAM how much this year has just been a BLAST.
My mutuals:
@noodletime @moon9931 @marclef @margarita-the-pizzeria-worker @lucia-the-mii @lovestryke @lord-yiikes @ijusthavefun @linhfoxmoive @kate-bot @nomlioart @boogiestronic80s @zedortoo @jarroyave4637 @atlaslovesedm @alaskacoolkid1 @remaking-machine @average-amount-of-chaos @cherryxsapphic @dingle-dee @eyeballdrawer @tailsdollsnewlife @radaverse @gongustheawsome01 @fluffygiraffe @qwertykeyboard045 @w00den-h3ad @the-little-knight @oddpizza @misdreavusplush
(OKAY- I may have added some people on here that I think ARE REALLY COOL, I may not talk to you much but I’ve seen you guys like my art and I think ya’ll deserve to be on here 🫶💖✨)
AND IF I MISSED ANYONE PLEASE TELL ME I’M SO SORRY BUT JUST KNOW I LOVE ALL OF YOU THE SAME (Platonically) I HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR AND HAVE A GOOD ONE 🎉🎉🎉
GOOD NIGHT TO ALL YOU LOVELY PEOPLE YOU GUYS MEAN THE WOLRD TO ME AND HAVE A GREAT NIGHT 💖💖💖💖
#HAPPY NEW YEARS‼️‼️‼️ 🎉🎉🎉🎉#(Even if it hasn’t started for me yet- 😅)#For all the people I tagged I really hope you don’t mind- I seriously love you guys and since some I see VERY OFTEN on here-#And again for anyone I did not tag I appreciate you just the same 🫶🫶🫶#MAN my art has improved-#If I did one of those art of the year thingys my art would look SO DIFFERENT you’d think that someone else did it- 💀#I still like it tho- as much as I like how I draw Peppino now I still actually like how the first time I drew him#He looks silly and rounder- And I kind of like that- 😂#I’m not gonna ramble as much in the tags since the actual post is- DAMN-#Still. Hope you guys have a wonderful New Year 🎊🎊 Gonna try and do the most in terms of art this year. And I can’t wait for this Tumblr’s#birthday! 😄🎉💞#I love ya’ll so much. 💋💋 (If you don’t do platonic kisses hugs will do if you consent 🫶🫶)
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it is always incredibly irking to me when I see a post with NPC characters and its like “for the (insert NPC) GIRLIES ❤️🥰💦” “For the LADIES 😘😍🥵”
Hi! 👋 Hello! 👋 GUY here! Gay trans MAN here!
Here’s some Ominis for EVERYONE because EVERYONE deserves their favorite character, and I’ll be posting pictures of other NPCs too ❤️
HAVE SOME FREE OMINIS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE❤️ PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH
#Been seeing more and more of this mentality of “the only people in this fandom that matter are the GIRLS simping over GUYS”#I really. REALLY. Hate that. Its toxic and its cruel. You want more queer representation in the HP universe and scream and cry when there#Isnt any- YET when there are queer people in your fanspace you subtly make it plain and obvious you don’t want them.#To the people who conscientiously do this: 1) Screw you and the horse you rode in on 2) grow a pair#I’m so sorry to anyone who isn’t a thirsty woman drooling over Sebastian or Ominis in this fandom and has MAD respect for you still being#Here. Ship your rarepair. Make those woman or men kiss. Enjoy the NPCS company platonically. Ily ily ily#I want to be the change I want to see in this fandom- so even tho I don’t screenshot NPCs often- I have a point to make.#Thank you for reading my rant in tags if you did#hogwarts legacy#ominis gaunt#ominis x mc#<- ???? Sure???
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the nautiloid: aaaaaoblblthhlhblhtbbtbtbtbbrbbtl tav: ❗️
#i'm not sure if anyone's done this yet but. here is my madness. can you hear me. do you see my vision. why did he show up shirt off.#bg3#baldur's gate 3#the emperor#bg3 spoilers#illithid#s: i am still dreaming of kissing your claws#spoilers#🦑.txt#ch: catarina raverre
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I saw your tag on the repost.. and i must say... I think almost all of the art of kissing @freshlyepic has done..i think are all because of me, i say, i am the one that likes kisses its SO SILLY.. especially when its fresh frfrfrfrfrfrfrfr /silly/Lh/ns
Oh my gyatt… YOU BOTH HAVE A KISSING OBSESSION. SMH.
Sssiiiigghhhhh guess I’m the 3rd/69th wheel… OH OP AND I DREW SUN AND SHLYEP, but the British gets to be British epic now, because British 😎👍
Sorry to say this, but it’s facts that sun does look like a female human version of Gumball Waterson… 💔💔💔💔
Tried a bit of a cutsie style with this one rrrrrr I agree 100 percent with Shlyep, drawing humans is pain
but sun isn’t that bad to draw because you don’t have to deal with the weird human ears and the hair really helps with the face shape!
P.S. watching The Disastrous life of Sakai K rn…
oh no… I already…
I already have a feeling I’m gonna hyperfixate on this show 🤯🤯🤯
IT’S LIKE MP100 BUT MOB IS FED UP WITH EVERYTHING AND HAS HORRIBLE LUCK AND IS AN ONLY CHILD, I MIGHT LIKE THIS BETTER THAN MP100 OMG IT IS SO WONDERFUL TOP TEN FRFRFR AND I HAVEN’T FINISHED THE FIRST SEASON EVEN‼️‼️‼️💙💜💙🖤🖤💗💗💛🖤💗💛💛💞💚💚💖💞💚❣️❣️❣️😻😻💓😻💘🧡💘💘💟💟💌💝 I especially love so far how Kusuo explains all of the animation choices with him using psychic powers LIKE BRO THAT IS SO COOL?!?! Such good writing
Love the main character. Omg. “No mister magician, I don’t want to hear your monologue, I just wanna skip cutscene irl.”
also that one line “IiiaiAMm nut afRAAAiiiDd oEf the wAehhtaah” AND THEN DROWNING IN INCH DEEP WATER IS HILARIOUS I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH
#Honestly I never got the kissing thing#why would anyone want someone else’s tongue in there mouth??? And why even kiss on the cheek?#My parents say I’ll understand someday but IT’S BEEN A PRETTY LONG WHILE AND I STILL DON’T GET IT MOUTHS ARE FOR EATING NOT MAKING OUT#hashtag asexual struggles 💔 /silly#undertale au#3dogbones art#epic sans#British epic looks a lil weird here sorry#SHLYEP mutual#sun#not my sona#GRRR TRYING TO COME UP FOR A GOOD TAG FOR YOU SUN#raaahhhh I’ll think of one eventually trust trust#Tell me if you have any recommendations though 🤩‼️👍💖
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Sucks to suck, losers.
#if anyone knows what painting this is referencing I will kiss you so sweetly on the mouth#here's a hint: I'm still kinda obsessed with religious themes :)#also i dont have covid!! just a normal illness#marquise spinneret mindfang#mindfang#aranea serket#I'm trying to be chiller ab rendering less can you tell#homestuck#my art#hs
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Lightning, water, and fire! Like forever before the plot starts. By the time the plot starts, the lightning and fire deities have been subjected to punishment by the two gods that picked them.
Oh (the fire deity) is first to be punished. They basically decide that since they're going to live for a long time, gotta set some long time goals! And they opt to be the wrath of the gods since most of the other deities are too 'soft' in their opinion. So Oh just. Smites humans. This isn't really a /good/ thing and in their defense mentally, they do it to help Ymber since he's the softest of them all. So their punishment by the gods is to be split in two, effectively halving the power of one into two. (Now they are in a male and a female body and use both male and female pronouns apart since they together make they but apart it feels weird to be they. But prior to the split they use they/them. Also the split bodies go by the names Ohiwe and Ohime.)
Fulj is the second to be punished. She falls in love with a mortal woman and that is a crime according to the gods. Mortals and immortals are not to be together and it will only bring suffering to both sides. So her punishment is her memories of the woman are stripped and her body basically broken to the point she can't remain physical all the time.
Ymber, unfortunately, is the one who blames himself for the discoveries and punishments. If he had only tried to restrain Oh more then maybe they would have chilled out and stopped before being punished. If he had only tried to persuade Fulj to not continue seeing the mortal woman so often perhaps she wouldn't have been punished. So he's just increasing the guilt on his shoulders every day that he remains unpunished since the elder gods have both laid down to rest. They can't enforce their laws anymore and none of the deities are keen on harming one another at this point. They just want to continue existing in peace.
#the daily life of a deity sucks#and then ymber falls in love with a human and is like welp this sucks and i understand fulj now#i also would have accepted the punishment for this#and fulj doesnt even remember the woman she was punished for and doesnt remember how she was before#so she is like hey ymber please just go and kiss the weird human i dont even like him but youre being mean by not kissing him#and ymber is just having the worst time of his life being encouraged by someone who used to be so happy#who he also encouraged to be happy once upon a time#also ohiwe and ohime pop up in the water city to bully ymber sometimes but its still in the way of#dude we like you please grow a spine its been a thousand years please grow a backbone and tell us to piss off#and he never tells them to piss off#also fulj has a long braid here but you cant really see it#and she loves to braid ymbers hair and he gets to braid hers when shes giggling and chatting about love#and a short while after the punishment fulj chops the braid off and ymber is like welp my friend is officially gone#and then he cuts his own hair and leaves to go develop his city alone in seclusion#and he sometimes just cuts it really short because hes still sad and soggy and thinks of fulj braiding his hair#and then she shows up one day when hes debating how long its getting and she smiles#and tells him he looks good with longer hair#so he kinda keeps it a messy short then it gets to be medium and he decides he can survive with medium but he couldnt do long again#but once again fulj is the reason for his life choices (and guilt)#also before anyone asks yes all the deities have a collar#its very important actually that they are collared its lore information thanks#and for what it matters - after oh is split both forms are just as tall#theres just two of them at half power but they are both tall
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talked w/ a friend about this and wanted to post something similar yesterday after a convo i saw also
about people criticizing ttcc / ttcc fans for just... being cog fans? being cog centric? usually coming from people who only like the toons.
and everyone likes what they like! it's okay! but saying that people who like the cogs are horrible and support the bad things they do, is just blatantly wrong. i thought we knew that enjoying villainous and morally Bad / grey characters is... okay? it doesn't mean you support what they do. it's interesting to explore these topics.
i've seen many people just... paint anyone who likes the cogs as horrible because they're "apologists of x and y" and... i dunno. rubs me the wrong way! you do have a point and recognize the cogs do bad things, but liking them as characters means nothing about who you are as a person.
and this is not to say that people who are in toontown for the toons are bad. hell! they are right this IS toontown. i may be on the cog liker side but i like the toons! maybe ocs more than the npcs - mostly because i like my friends and the sheer creativity the toons can bring out!!
SO what i wanna say... i dunno. let's not point fingers...? let's have fun in a goofy cartoon game together??? also complaining about people liking VILLAIN ROBOTS on TUMBLR is kind of funny to me. do you realize where you are. but then again a lot of this i see on discord and in-game as well since i avoid things on tumblr... i am a sensitive little fella i avoid misty fight bc of One Really mean "Critic" guy i saw there and i have been shivering in my bootsies since. so you get me
but like yes ttcc is more cog centric but... that's okay? things could be written better and i still wanna speak on it, and i do thing the toons deserve attention and better writing... but the fact it focuses on the cogs isn't... bad? if you don't like how con centric it is you can go play ttr...? god forbid people have fun and explore the villain's side of things...? i'm not saying either toontown server is better or worse than the other... and everyone can like their own things!!
but like... people will just like the cogs and that's okay and it doesn't make you bad. let's all be friends okay? both sides may be going at each other's necks in-game and the cogs in fact do horrible things - but it's what makes them fun, and it gives the toons things to do in the game!! but we don't gotta !!!!!!!! i may be really sarcastic and sometimes mean in private but like that's me just privately sassing, deep down i think people should just... y'know..? enjoy things.
so yea that's the guzma / cathal thought of today. toon people cog people both people are all awesome as fuck and you keep doing what you're doing i love you toontown isn't toontown without you
#anyways omg god forbid ppl are cog kissers on the robot kissing website /silly#but like!! tt/r may not be for everyone and tt/cc may not be for everyone and THATS OK!! ur not gonna like everything!!#like i accepted tt/r isnt for me but its mostly bc they dont show cog health specifically and i struggle with these things but !! i#heard they are updating that so i might be able to play without getting bored / frustrated again ^^ i havent played properly in yeaaaars#i will still prefer clash bc fixation and?? i LIKE ROBOBTS....!#but tewtow is tewtow its all swag. the least toony thing u can do is bully someone for Liking Robobt. be niceys#like ya i admit im not perfect i also dont like people andhave so much one sided beef and i am sensitive to so many things and i complain#in private but at the end of the day its to make myself feel better and i KNOW to not engage and look away and work on feeling better#bc this stuff does Heehoo upset me bc Mental Health Probulem. but i know everyone should and can do their own thing and have fun#i may complain about (redacted ship) all the time and i dont get it at all but...? bro... just have fun... be free. im not here to stop you#im just not gonna interact as i should. good for both of us! joyous world! happy that ur happy!!!!#why complain abt ppl just Enjoying Cogs like that though................................................ do you not like fun#this is not at anyone specific#my friend did show me tags of a post anonymously#and i vague a person whos name i dont know ingame like A YEAR AGO#and a convo what happened in a server a while back. but its not anyone specific i just wanted to like. speak my thoughts#lets be frense... and if not thats okay lets not argue either then we all stay in our lanes
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sometimes i feel a little weird doing fandom-y things for rhps (because ive never been in a fandom this small before also because it just feels a little weird sometimes) and ill doubt myself and think "does everything NEED a fandom?? scoffs" even though. im hyperfixated super crazy style.
but then i remember that i have no mouth and i must scream has a fandom and i realize that life (fandoms) finds a way and if there is at least one person who likes something, there's probably going to be fanfic about it and some kind of ship WILL be involved
#tag: talkity talk#like yes obviously not everything NEEDS shipping. but everything will have it anyways thats just how life works#its like the SFW version of rule 34#if it exists and has more than two characters/people involved there will be shipping#so remembering that i feel less bad about my immense enjoyment of frank/brad#yes frank/brad/janet is great and all BUT. i dont think janet and brad should be in a relationship all things considered#partially because im in the “brad is gay” camp partially because i think brad's a dick (still love him though)#also janet deserves to kiss girls.#i'll never feel bad for being a columbia/magenta lover though you could never shame me for that#janet/columbia/magenta is based and you cant convince me otherwise#i dont SHIP frank/brad/rocky but i think its funny#personally i think any poly ship with frank is funny because its just like. non ethical nonmonogamy.#like congratulations thats the worst anyones ever done it#thats my feelings on frank/brad/janet. because literally theyre such disasters#and on the frank/brad/rocky thing. im firmly of the opinion that rocky and brad shouldve fucked. but thats because i like gay sex#i also think janet shouldve had yuri with columbia and magenta#just generally i think we shouldve gotten more gay sex#im always an advocate for gay sex#come to think of it. while i was writing this i came up with an excellent crack ship#okay here me out on this one. rocky/eddie#i just think its funny honestly#thats the sole reason. i like it because i like thinking about how much it would piss off frank#and i am a certified eddie liker and i think he deserved better#man this is a long tag rant#as always feel free to disagree with me. i do not mind at all
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just checked the byl3r tag bc it was trending and god they're exactly like bvddies
#in that so lost in their interpretation and little echo chamber they forget millions of people are watching this show totally removed from#their takes and mainstream media is yet to be at the stage where you can flip established characters dynamic/sexuality just like that#like they're talking about a kiss scene as if it exists already? the average st watches couldn't even swallow rob1n being gay btw#anywayyy i'd love to be wrong about byl3r bc i loved them when i still loved/watched that show but i feel so strange to this fandom echo#chambers and believe me that includes the ones around ships i love as well#like compartmentalize besties it cannot be this hard#also before anyone comes to me about this i do think will's sexuality/crush on m1ke is canon i've been here when we were reading#the s2 transcripts mentioning will longingly looking at m1ke#but at best it's still vague bc again st's GA is huuuge and is nowhere ready for that to be a big storyline/twist esp with byl3r going canon
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would b cool if i decided to show him i think
(he's swapped w megumi if you don't know)
#megumi if she was awesome#/hj#also if i wasn't lazy i would put out more sketches showing him and hina's relationship...#but basically before the “event” they had a pretty rocky relationship but he would actually bite anyone who hurts her#<- (even then it's still the same afterwards)#also also if you can guess who is swapped w mr policeman here i will kiss you (i'm joking. i'm joking. i'm jo)#digital art#yttd#your turn to die#naomichi kurumada#hinako mishuku#au#swap au#die my dear - yttd swap au#blood tw
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Forget proshippers, people like you who equate real-life pedophilia abuse/CSA/CSEM to things people read and write is fucking disgusting. You are downplaying survivors' experiences by acting like drawings and stories are just as bad. If you want to help anybody at all, face the problem head-on and spread awareness about actual abuse instead of wasting energy that could be used to help IRL victims on fictional characters. People like you make me sick.
If the abuse in a story is used to instill emotions of pain/hurt in the audience (like in horror), I have no issue. But if it's done for sexual gratification (like in porn), I'm gonna say something about it if I see it. And I don't go actively searching for this stuff to begin with, I just came across it because I was 'following' two Pro Shippers art the time and didn't even realize it.
Pro Shippers are disgusting. It is just as morally wrong as actual pedophelia, because it can lead ACTUAL PEDOPHILES to harm children. And there was a case of a pedo drawing an actual child in a very sexual way (like actual CP of the poor kid), are you gonna defend them for doing that because it was 'just a drawing'? It was still a FUCKING KID, I bet pedos imagine they're doing it with a real kid when they see Pro Shippers supporting their disgusting fetishes.
Neither are people to me. They can both fucking die for all I care, better to get rid of them for good because that means kids will be no longer sexually harmed by these fuckers. Fictional or not, they are still KIDS.
And I DO talk about this stuff, just not on here. I post about it on my TikTok, where I can actually shine light on these things because people will fucking see it and do something about it. Again, I do not actively seek out this stuff (my already severely damaged mental health could not handle seeing it 24/7) but when I see it pop up I'll say my piece and go on with my day.
Don't like it? Then fucking block me. Because it sounds like you already want to.
#anti proshipper#YOU are the one downplaying the situation here#I don't care what anyone says about it either#THESE ARE STILL KIDS YOU SICK FUCKS#it is still so morally wrong#I will never support Pro Shippers#you can all kiss my ass
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i am being so fucking autistic about a video game i've only played an hour and a half of and have absorbed like 99% of my information about through osmosis from my bestie(s. it's complicated) and fanfiction. catastrophic levels of autism. i can't stress this in words i don't think y'all understand. or care honestly sdflkjfdskdfsjsfdkj-
#puppy rambles#slightly hurts to know no one seems to really care but eh. can't blame anyone i know y'all follow me for rhythm heaven#i think i have been making high-quality posts though y'all aren't appreciating my incomprehensible rambles about persona enough </3#/lh#(which is funny since this blog isn't even really a rhythm heaven blog anymore i don't think that'll be my main hyperfixation for a bit)#(if ever. it was uhhhhhh. kindddddd of unhealthy. haha lol xd :3)#(turns out a rhythm game that i barely interact with the fandom for is not stimulating enough for my adhd and autism!!! shocking i know)#(i still love rhythm heaven but it was bad for my brain-)#(i'm happy for all the friends i made through it though :333 even if i've only talked to like. one or two of you guys cuz of anxiety)#(and even then just through asks because the idea of interacting with people on tumblr through other means honestly terrifies me)#anyways it's going down now persona 3 reload bops hard idk 99% of the lyrics though#persona songs are good at being incomprehensible. even if you can understand the lyrics i think they're kinda nonsensical sometimes#i mean. check it out i'm in the house like carpet. that's an actual line from a persona song#which is hilarious to me. funniest metaphor#anyways wiping all out is the best persona song i think (<- only actually remembers what like 10 persona songs sound like)#been a little while but i'm still prattling. not a princess (a lot of anger in it) not your cutie girlfriend oh no don't you know#three dots connect to rectangles. demolition#yes i did specifically play p3p and specifically as girl. i probably won't play it more for a while now tho tbh#i kinddddd of spoiled myself on. basically all of the important plot points. through lesbian fanfiction#look can you really blame me. like *vaguely gestures* the door and the toaster are fucking KISSING#they should undoor. i knowwwwww it goes against the game's message but. shut up. i like happy endings#no dead lovers allowed over here >:(#they deserve to be happy and not crucified
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im not quite done w the kisses btw- i wanna draw one more unofficial one thats gonna be So dumb but its gonna wait a bit :3c
#you know who you are /threat (<3)#still trying to pick the funniest meme/reference i can lol#idk if this means anything to anyone here but#i was originally going to draw the tntduo kiss but then realised that thats too fandom specific i think </3#okay i go eep now. ive been thinking about flumbr and these kisses literally all day lmao
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sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.
and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?
and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.
eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?
#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't normally gush but i'm heavily caffeinated rn moreso than i've been in months#i just!!!!!!!!! i cannot believe!!!#sometimes i worry when i like. mildly dissociate thinking about him and my love/interest in him bc one time that genuinely broke a spin bc#i realized it was not doing anything for me positively. but with poe everytime i'm just like#my life would genuinely not be as joyful as it is if it weren't for you. i would not be who i am today if it wasn't for you.#(tch. might not be here generally speaking)#i just. i really went from scoffing at him to 'oh no he's hot' to 'oh i'm in love' to 'i want to be his best friend in a really intimate#way' (cos i didn't know what qp/alterous was at the time) to 'i might want to kiss him but i wouldn't imagine myself w him'#to 'oh. actually i don't mind thinking about kissing him or being in a relationship w him. actually i /want/ that.'#to having to swallow my feelings for him to be diplomatic/avoid conflict for two years while still utterly adoring him and being in love w#him to subconsciously finding my way back to him!!!!!#and deciding with grim determination i'd continue loving him as much as i wanted no matter what anyone else said and YES that meant getting#kiss him on his pretty mouth. and shipping my self insert with him PROPERLY where they end up together.#and then realizing stuff that's less pg-13!!!! but no less mind blowing. like i had THAT setting. what the hell.#i just. what a journey.#he's my sweet flyboy my absolute beloved my best friend my starlight i love him to pieces u guuuuuuuuuuuys#i've had a lot of comfort characters over the years and a handful of special interests - none of them have meant as much to me as poe#he is genuinely a part of me and who i am he's my soulmate and i wuv him#okay i'm done#nym speaks#flyboy 🧡
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#i currently cannot read or watch anything romantic without physically aching#it's actually awful#i'm kind of sick of it tbh#like.... i know i'm not ready for a relationship right now and i do want to be single to pursue my goals#but also i have to stay away from any sort of media containing romance#and most importantly the very soft kind that has gentle caresses and forehead kisses and warm embraces#it makes me want to vomit#and i feel like if i don't get it soon then i'll perish. absolutely waste away.#oh the horrifying ordeal of craving love and affection#the absolute ache to be held gently.... to be cradled in someone's arms#it's all too much... i have to leave.#also every time i consume something romantic it just makes me think about [redacted]#because yes certain people are still very much on my mind and it's absolutely wretched#anyway. my apologies to anyone who read all these tags.#but also thank you for being here
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