#irked at people asking me the SAME question everyday for a WEEK

[kerstrel]

i dont know how to regulate my emotions .. sigh

[tobiosmilktea]

hiii can i request tsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo where they’re in a secret relationship and the reader feels like they’re hiding her bc they’re ashamed of her ? like a hurt too comfort type of thing? thank u bb 🥺🥺

- 🍒

secret relationships w/ atsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo

a/n: i have so many angst requests,, yall must like getting hurt 💀 also this wasn’t as angsty as i thought it was gonna be since im going through writers block yet again and i can not handle pain rn (also not proofread, so read with caution lmao)

— m. atsumu

it honestly surprised you at first, the way someone like miya atsumu returning your feelings the moment you told him you liked him near the start of the school year

there wasn’t that instant gratification though, knowing that one of inarizaki’s golden boys still felt out of your reach

despite being in a relationship with you, it wasn’t like anyone knew of it besides osamu and your closest friend

of course you didn’t really mind as you’ve always thought couples who were obnoxious with their relationships 24/7 and constantly making out in the hallways wasn’t your cup of tea either, so you get why atsumu wanted to keep it a secret

besides, with a guy so popular like him, you really just thought he was sparing you from the harassment (not that it would be bad if all the girls crushing on him new)

you get that he was just trying to protect you, and yet the more you thought of it, the more than it was simply just an assumption and you really didn’t know why your relationship was kept secret

it wasn’t like either of you would get backlash in any way, so what was the problem?

you weren’t exactly the type to be the most insecure either

sure, you were aware of the flaws you had, but it wasn’t something you were ashamed of as you learned to get used to it

yet it’s hard to fully love yourself when your boyfriend isn’t even comfortable with the fact that no one knows you two are even together

you hated jumping to conclusions, but you couldn’t help but to think the worst case scenario—was he ashamed of being with you?

you honestly thought the idea was impossible

if he was seriously ashamed of the thought of being with you in public, why would he even waste all those months dating? were all those dates and nights sneaking out to see each other for nothing?

it was like this for weeks with the way your own thoughts sabotaged you as you stood next to him during lunch

in moments like this in school, surrounded by your classmates and acquaintances, you and atsumu were only friends who sat next to each other occasionally and shared conversations that only friends would have

only friends

god, you hated the way that atsumu wouldn’t even look at you the way that he would when you two are alone

was he that embarrassed to be with you?

you didn’t want six months of all your hard work and effort of making time to be with him for nothing,, you had to do something about it

everyday, you, atsumu, and osamu would walk to school together with osamu typically walking ahead of you and your boyfriend

most couples would hold hands as they walked together, but atsumu had made it explicitly clear as the closer they get to school the farther they had to be from each other to avoid suspicions

thinking of it now, it sounded wrong to begin with and you had no idea why you even agreed to do such a thing

the school was close, maybe a block away and instead of slowing down your pace to create a gap between you and atsumu, you stubbornly stayed next to him to which he flickered you a weird look

he shrugged it off but the moment you two passed the gates and into campus, you slipped your hand into his

without missing a single beat atsumu immediately pulled his hand away from you with a look on his face that held all the questions running through his head at that very moment

“what are you doing?” he asks, almost in a harsh whisper

a frown melted upon your expression at how quickly he pulled away, almost as if he was disgusted by you. “i um, didn’t know you hated the thought of people seeing us together so badly.”

you didn’t know where all your strength went as it disappeared the moment you needed it the most

yet as you were about to walk away, atsumu tugs at your wrist lightly and pulls you into his embrace—his warmth and comforting scent of chamomile from  saved you from the embarrassment that was tainting your cheeks red

“no, no it’s not that,” he mutters, lips tickling your forehead. “i just wanted to keep you to myself a bit longer.”

— k. kenma

you honestly weren’t surprised at the fact that kenma wanted this relationship to be kept secret

he never seemed like the type to be in a relationship let alone get the attention of being in one in the first place, yet it irked you to the core

it was fine at first; acting like you two were just friends while at school or at volleyball practice and it wasn’t at all weird or out of the ordinary

maybe that’s why you were okay with it in the first few months of your relationship with kenma as you were always near him the majority of the time

yet you constantly had to fight the urge to not be so touchy with him from wanting to hold his hand to leaning your head onto his shoulder—you often had to stop yourself especially in front of your friends and his teammates

you were good at keep secrets, but it was absolute hell not being able to even tell kuroo considering you always hung out with him too (it was a given obviously but you digress)

kuroo is a bit curious in his closest friend’s antics so his constant teases of how you and kenma would be such a cute couple annoyed you to your core

he laughs as if you and kenma being together would be absolutely impossible and wouldn’t happen in a million years, and yet here you two were, pretending to laugh at his jokes and agreeing and it would be, in fact, impossible

as mentioned before, you’re more annoyed at keeping your relationship secret rather than angry

your actions were more abrupt and cold rather than your usual warm self and kenma definitely noticed

despite his usual calm and collected expression that he has on a daily basis, it covered up his own emotions of blatant insecurity and worry that you were losing your feelings and losing them quick

the last thing kenma wanted was for everything that happened between the two of you to be wasted over his own fear of being judged for being with you

you were his first in everything and he certainly wasn’t going to let you become his first heartbreak either

he worried about this for a few days, overthinking while he played video games with kuroo, lev, and yaku that they noticed how quiet he was being over the call

it was then did he impulsively asked kuroo to go on a separate voice channel with him just so he could blurt out, “i’m dating (y/n).”

and to his surprise, all his best friend said was: “yeah, i know. (y/n) told me.”

“what? why?” kenma asked with confusion evident on his visage

“she had no one else to go to vent.” kuroo answers, his amused laugh echoing through kenma’s headphones. “don’t worry, i won’t tell anyone.”

“thanks, but... i think (y/n)’s angry at me and i don’t know what to do.”

“she told me that she was getting tired of keeping your relationship a secret. she asked me if you felt embarrassed or even ashamed of being with her.” he explained.

confusion and a bit of worry washed over kenma as his words suddenly faltered, “i could never be ashamed of being with her,”

“then i guess, you should tell her that.”

“what should i do?”

his best friend lets on a smirk (not that kenma could even see it, anyway), “i’m so glad you asked.”

you weren’t exactly sure what you expecting to be honest

you knew there was something going on between kenma and kuroo as if they were planning something intricate, but you weren’t bothered to even ask

perhaps you were still in that petty mindset of giving kenma the cold shoulder after having to keep your relationship on hold all the time that stopped your curiosity

sure, it was a bit childish, but you were planning on talking about it with kenma the moment he came back into the classroom after going off somewhere with kuroo

which by the way, where the hell were they? lunch was ending soon and you needed to talk to you boyfriend asap

the timing was almost perfect the way the thought of him entered your mind was at the same time as his familiar blonde hair walked back into the classroom with a melon bun and a canned drink in his hand from the vending machine—your favorites

“i noticed you didn’t eat lunch, so i bought you this.” he says, placing them down onto your desk.

“is this supposed to be your way of apologizing to me or something?” you mused at him.

there was a faint smile on kenma’s face when you did. this was your usual self, one that constantly smiled at him rather than deadpanned and cold. “no,” he simple put it. taking in a breath of confidence before pressing his lips on the corner of yours. “but i was hoping that would.”

with wide eyes, your eyes scanned the room to see if anyone noticed, afraid at the fact that you broke the first rule. despite being a blushing mess from a minuscule peck on your cheek, there was an inkling of confusion still evident within you, “why did you do that?”

“kuroo told me everything.”

“i knew that guy couldn’t keep a secret,” you mutter as you tried to ignore that infamous feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. “i don’t think people saw, so they won’t think we’re together—”

“what if i wanted people to know we’re together?” ded asf

— o. tooru

you honestly should’ve known oikawa was going to keep this relationship between the two of you a secret since the moment he confessed his feelings to you

what else could you have expected from aoba johsai’s most popular boy wonder with an actual fanclub full of naive girls

perhaps you’ve become naive yourself considering you dealt with months of having your relationship constantly being swept under the rug, psyching yourself out that he was doing this for your sake

and you understood that

it was the reason why you even agreed to keep your relationship on the downlow considering how annoyingly notorious oikawa’s fangirls were, they wouldn’t have let you see the light of day if they were to find out

if you were in fact being honest, there was a period in time near the beginning of the relationship how cautious you were being—barely talking to oikawa unless it had to do with school, avoiding his gazes during class, and even swallowing your pride by just watching his fangirls flirt with him and there was nothing you could do about it

you honestly had to give yourself a pat on the bat for dealing with six months of this treatment

you figured it wouldn’t be that bad, especially after schools where you and oikawa could finally have alone time to yourselves, but even those times alone with him there was a lingering feeling of tension and unease

the thought of someone from school even finding out of you two being  together even affected your relationship outside of school hours

you were tired of waiting outside the school gates for hours just for him to come out of volleyball practice and apologize that he couldn’t walk you home yet again

you figured that oikawa had grown far to used to seeing you waiting for him all the time that it was practically common sense that he was going to reject you again and again

you had to stop waiting for him at some point, but there was an inkling inside that for once, just for once, he would look at you with a smile so sweet that he would finally go with you

but not once has it happened

was he really that afraid of people finding out of his relationship with you that he’s willing to disregard all your hard work to even make this thing (whatever is was) to even happen?

if you were truly being honest with yourself, the only reason why this relationship is still up and active for this long is all because of you

you’re the one always asking him when he’s available during the weekends so you two could finally see each other, you’re the one always texting him first, you’re the one always being the most understanding of the situation

and yet it’s almost like oikawa isn’t even batting an eye at how difficult it has been for you

you absolutely hated jumping to conclusions and thinking of the worst case scenario and yet here you were, suddenly drowning at the possibility that the only reason why oikawa wanted a secret relationship was because he was ashamed to be with you

it was a thought that kept you up at night, tainting your optimistic thoughts of hope that this relationship would actually work out to decimate into thin air

the more is simmered in your head, the worse it became—what if his feelings that he confessed to you was a lie?

you hated overthinking

but if you really thought about it, even before you and oikawa dated, neither of you two were close. just two acquaintances in the same class that occasionally shared answers with each other just by the convenience of sitting nearby

you even went as far as believing that him dating you was just a joke, that this whole goddamn relationship was just some mindless prank just because he was bored

six months of wasted time. you were over it

the next day at school, you didn’t even look at him, you didn’t smile or even acknowledge the way he said good morning to you (as a friend does)

you figured he’s probably too dense to even notice, but he did. the usual glow you had each morning when you said good morning back to him was gone

he already missed the way your gazes would meet and how he would constantly find himself lost in your irises, but now you couldn’t even look at him in the eye

the only person who’s aware that you and oikawa were dating was iwaizumi. it was a given as who else would oikawa ramble on and on and on about how pretty you looked or how smart you are if it wasn’t his best friend?

if anything, iwa was the only guy oikawa could complain about how you were ignoring him

“maybe she’s bored of you for once,” iwaizumi cuts straight to the point. there was really no point in beating around the bush

offense was written all over oikawa’s face, utterly surprised, “how could she?”

“you can’t keep your relationship with her a secret forever, you know.” his best friend goes on to explain, “with the way things are going with you two acting like you’re nothing but acquaintances, (y/n)’s bound to lose her feelings.”

“but i don’t want her to lose feelings for me! and it’s not like i can suddenly tell all my fangirls that i’m dating someone, they’ll freak!” whines oikawa.

“why do you care about your fangirls’ feelings more than your own girlfriend? seems to me, it doesn’t even look like you care about (y/n) at all the way she’s constantly waiting for you after practice only to be rejected.”

it’s obvious iwaizumi wasn’t here to sugarcoat

“i just don’t want them to harass (y/n)...” oikawa reasons, trying to ignore the way his heart drop at iwa’s words like a gripping poison

“then that’s your job to tell those girls to back off.” he suggests, “they literally treat you like a god, surely they’ll listen if you tell them to leave her alone.”

the following day, you came across oikawa waiting outside your door, dressed in his uniform with his gaze lingering about to occupying his attention

“what are you doing here?” you ask him as you close your front door behind you. he’s probably here to break up with you, you thought to yourself

you had to force yourself to ignore the way your heart dropped at your own self-destructive thoughts

taking a deep breath as you approached him, you readied yourself for harsh news to come your way

but it never did

instead, you were greeted by oikawa’s infamous smile that made everyone at school to fall in love with this guy (including you)

he takes your hand into his, intertwining his calloused fingers that dwarfed yours in size. you don’t remember the last time you held oikawa’s hand, but it felt so familiar and warm

it was like home

you couldn’t help but feeling the ends of your lips tugging into a smile as you looked up at him, “what if someone at school sees us?”

you were expecting some kind of excuse, but all he did was shrug. “who cares?”

— k. tetsurou

when you and kuroo started going out, you certainly wasn’t expecting it to be like this

if anything, ‘going out’ would be a stretch if you count late night dates and sneaking out at midnight just to see each other as dating

it certainly wasn’t your usual definition of dating either as you yearned greatly to be able to do normal couple things with your boyfriend—like actually going out on dates during the day, eating lunch together, hell, even just holding hands!

it almost seemed laughable how normal things done in relationships were something you never even experienced with kuroo even after a few months of being together all due to him wanting to keep the relationship a secret

and if you were truly being honest with yourself, you never really understood why he wanted to keep it on the downlow in the first place

you never really questioned it as you just that much of an understanding person, but at a certain point it just wasn’t adding up

it wasn’t like he had girls going after him 24/7 despite being at the top of his class, popular, and nekoma’s volleyball captain

it wasn’t like oikawa who had an actual problem with hoards of girls surrounding him and tracking his ever move, so what was the big deal of letting your relationship public?

it was then did it hit you

the suddenly downpour of insecurity within your own loving boyfriend that you trust so much was getting the best of you

“what if he’s embarrassed to even be with me?” you contemplated in a harsh whisper to your best friend

it was in the middle of lunch and you two were sitting alone on a bench in the school’s courtyard chatting while eating—well, more like overthinking in your case while you friend just sat there and nodded

“if he actually felt that way, then he would’ve broken up with you already.” your friend stated in between bites, “besides, if i didn’t have feelings for someone, i wouldn’t put in the effort to sneak out just to see them.”

you hummed, not sure what to say as she did have a point

but could you really blame yourself for wanting an actual relationship rather than one that’s forced to go unnoticed?

“i should talk to kuroo about it...” you sigh out.

“talk to me about what?” an oh-so-familiar voice calls out to you and your friend

kuroo’s figure approaches the two of you as he give you a curt smile with hidden meanings that you weren’t able to even notice. you were too caught up in your own meddling thoughts that you also didn’t notice the way kuroo frowned slightly at the way you avoided eye contact with him

“nothing,” was all you said before standing up and throwing your trash away. “lunch is almost over so we should all get to class.” was all you said before briskly walking away

kuroo’s brows furrow in confusion as he looks over to your friend, “what’s up with (y/n)?”

“she thinks you’re too embarrassed to be with her, that’s why you hide your relationship.” she cuts straight to the point (homegirl just wants to eat her lunch in peace ffs)

“what?” your boyfriend huffs out in shock, almost offended at the fact that you out of all people would believe such a thing. “why does she think that?”

your friends shrugs, “not sure. that’s something you should be asking her, but if it were me, i would want a normal relationship as well.”

kuroo doesn’t say another word before walking away. and yet his walk quickened so he could catch up to you before you could get to class, footsteps echoing through the hallway in patters as he sees your familiar figure near your classroom 

“(y/n)!” he calls out to you as you slide the classroom’s door open. it was sure to catch the attention of the rest of the students already in the classroom as you turn towards him, brows furrowed in the same confusion

as he neared you, there was almost no sign in him stopping, sending your heart beating in a frenzy as you parted your lips to tell him to slow down

but before a single syllable could even fall from your lips, your boyfriend’s own pair press against yours harshly. it was sweet like caramel and you swore everything moved in a slow motion when you suddenly realized where you two were

he stole your breath away when he pulled apart from you, eyes immediately scanning the room of his own classmates staring at him in awe

“since when were you two dating?” matsukawa asked rather loudly, it seemed that others were interested in knowing as well.

panic suddenly coursed through you as you gave kuroo a look, gravely ignoring the way yoru heart was thumping against your chest and the dozens of unanswered questions running through your head

“w-we’re not actually dati—”

“we’ve been together for a few months actually.” kuroo cuts you off, sending you a wink before entering the classroom

[perseusjackson-jasongrace]

weapon? monster? child.

this was a request from ao3 for some roman jason! i hope y'all enjoy

CW: vague manipulation themes

[images have alt text]

Even wolves bow to the law.

Jason Grace wakes up with his alarm. 7:00 a.m., it blinks at him. The first thing he feels is the cool breeze that blows in from the river bordering their camp, and through the window near his bed. They put him here so he’d be the first point of protection should anything from outside try to attack. He took the position gratefully. Lowered his head in thanks and packed up the little he had. From the big warm rooms of the main house where the youngest of them slept, to the straight and narrow dormitories of their assigned cohorts.

His blue eyes, dull and wide, blink as he stares at the roof. He’s one of the luckier ones. He has a whole bunk to himself. People are scared to sleep next to him, or near him. This son of Jupiter, this child of Lupa, this being of Power. What if they shake the bunk in the night and he tears them apart with his father’s lightning.

Jason would never. He is trained better than that. He will have control of his emotions. If he doesn't, innocent people will die. He knows this. A cub got hurt once. He wasn’t allowed to eat for a week. At least not with the pack. He was too young to get food on his own. He must learn the ways of the wolves, for they are the way of the world, and the bearers of the law.

Even wolves bow to the law.

He swings his legs over the bed, and jumps down. His landing is silent. The floorboards do not even creak. They are cold though, but he is used to this. It is the second thing that wakes him up.

The routine goes like this: alarm>roof>floorboards>cold water>clothes> weapon check>breakfast>camp activities.

Everyday. Every Single Day. Always the same thing, never a deviation, never an interruption. We must be organized beings Jason , he hears Lupa in his head over and over again, f or if we are chaos we must expect to be destroyed. Chaos must not exist outside of it’s containment. That was the final lesson. Chaos doesn’t follow rules therefore it should not exist.

Jason splashes cool water on his face, stares at himself in the scratched mirror. Too many demigods looking through the same glass. He wonders if any of them want to see something different? He does. Gods he does, desperately and ungratefully.

He wants to see how blue his eyes can get. And if his hair can be messier than this buzzed golden blonde look. If his hands can be softer than the callouses he always sports. And if his skin can be more golden. Would he look more alive?

He goes to breakfast. They're serving an array of things. Jason gets oats with too much honey. He sits at the edge of a table, nearest to the exit. Some people come to sit at the same table, but they keep a distance that moving closer would not bridge. Their laughter is his curiosity, their questions are his silent answers. He agrees that Silene from cohort three should go with the blue hair ties because it matches her socks. He decides diet coke is the best of the diet cola series. He frowns when Lucian from cohort two shows off their new throwing dagger at the table.

No weapons where you eat. Lupa frowns when he brings a whittled stick to their meal. Why? Because eating is a time of truce and peace. If I bared my fangs at you while you ate how would you feel? And his little eyes had grown wide as saucers, tears filling faster than he could stop them. Yes Lupa , he had mumbled, throwing his tiny spear away. He had just wanted to show her what he could do. He would never use it on them. That was the first of many things he had made and lost. Hard labour is only accepted when it benefits someone else. Another lesson learned.

Even wolves bow to the law.

The sword slips from his grip. Before it hits the floor his other hand is grabbing it. With a low growl he starts again. Twirl, strike, counter, direction, twirl, sidestep. He gets it this time. He allows a small smile. If there was a mirror he would have seen his eyes shine a little brighter.

“Jason!” Someone calls his name from outside. He nearly flinches. With a toss of his sword it pockets as a coin and then he’s jogging towards the door.

“Hey,” He squints the sun out of his eyes, searching for his summouner against the bright morning.

Reyna, a new camper, still young but full of anger, stands in front of him. Her legs are shoulder width apart, hands on her hips. Her tattoo is so pitch black against her brown skin. A single stripe mars her arm. He wonders if her collection of lines will someday rival his. The frown creasing her dark eyebrows is securely in place.

“What’s wrong?”

“They said you have to train me today.”

“Why me?” He frowns, looking around her for older campers. It is not traditional for campers as young as him to be training new recruits. Even if he has been here longer than most demigods. Still the older ones are given duties and responsibilities like this. There is a hierarchy and it starts with the time of your birth.

“Will you teach me?” The demand sort of irks him but only because he has never been asked to do something like this and now it is just being thrown at him with no warning, or training.

He tries not to let it show on his face. He must do a good job because her own fierce expression doesn’t change, react to him. She simply stares.

“Yes,” He motions for her to follow him back into the training center. “I will teach you.”

“What do we start with?” Her excitement is starting to wage war with her anger. They are still little kids after all.

“We start with body training.” He looks her over, assessing the thinness of her arms, the way her legs sway even when she tries to stand still. As if she had been on a ship for too long and her body no longer knows what solid ground feels like.

“What?” She’s back to frowning, glaring at him. “I want to learn how to use weapons. I want to fight.”

“The first weapon is your body.” He says, moving to the center of the room where a large training mat is spread across the floor.

“No, the first weapon is the one I can get my hands on.”

“How will you use a weapon if you can’t even hold it?” He doesn't understand why she won’t follow the order of things. Train your body>wield the weapon>fight the war. That’s how it is. That’s the order.

“My mother is Bellona!” She growls. “I already know how to fight.”

He stands in front of her, considering. They are about the same height, definitely the same age, though his weight is solid, whereas she looks like she’s been eating nothing but berries and cold meats for weeks. No sustenance.

“Okay Reyna,” He raises a brow. Something thrums under his skin, increases his heart rate. He believes it’s excitement. Are his eyes glowing? “If you can lay me down in two minutes, we’ll start on weapons training right away.”

The gleam that enters her gaze, brown eyes brightening like headlights, almost makes him laugh. “Fine.” She gives him a single nod.

And then she’s sprinting towards him, teeth bared, hands clawed in front of her. She fights like it's survival. He knows something of that. He steps out of the way. Her frustration is a spark. And she is dynamite. He is there to watch the world blow up. His eyes are lightning blue.

Wolves may bow to the law. But they hunt the chaos.

[wallwriterstuff]

is it okay if you do one about the reader who is 13-14 going with Bella to save Edward and when Alec see's her, he realizes that she's his mate and tries talking to her and her being scared but after sometime they have a sweet bf/gf relationship? Thank you, and your writing is awesome, sorry if I bothered you

Hey hi hello, you most certainly have not bothered me at all 😊 You’re very sweet and I’m glad you enjoy my writing, I hope you like this piece just as much as the others!

Just as a wee reminder to yourself and others who wish to request anything Alec related from me, when I write for Alec, I do tend to write him as the 13-14 year old book version. The only time I age up Alec and Jane to the 16+ year old movie version is if I receive an NSFW request for them. I am still figuring out what I’m comfortable writing in terms of the level of explicitness, so while I figure out what sort of NSFW requests I will and won’t take please be patient and don’t be rude about it if you send me something I don’t think I can deliver, there’s plenty of other really incredibly writers out there I’ll happily link you to if I don’t think I can provide what you want. 

For now, have this fluffy little piece. 

Forever Yours:

Words: 5416 (oopsie)  Warnings: There is some description of injuries later on and a lot of descriptions of fear and distress in the first half of this fic. 

Alec was not one to dwell on things he didn’t find interesting. In his human life he had been pigeon-holed into farming, the manual labour something that would support his family and one of the few occupations he could actually get training for, since it meant sending him into a field and leaving him there to work alone most of the time. His village was not a welcoming place to people like him and Jane, and despite his vocation to be a blacksmith his dreams were shelved in order to provide for his mother and sister. The end result was an insatiably curious young teen desperate to break free of the tedious field work and explore what else the world had to offer him, a trait that had only been solidified by his transformation.

Currently he found himself fascinated by the readings surrounding physical Geography, the formation of the world brought to the forefront of his mind after passing through a village that had suffered an Earthquake on a mission not a month earlier, and studying such things was how he spent the majority of his evenings now. Then in the Cullen boy came, bedraggled and smelling like three week old garbage he was pleading for the end of an existence far greater than his human one could have ever been, and Alec’s mind was set whirring into motion once more.

He couldn’t begin to fathom the mind-readers motives for wanting to end his immortal life, not when it had offered Alec so much. Over the course of centuries, he had accrued wealth and knowledge, prestige, and authority that the boys in his village could only ever dream of given the circumstances they were born into. Immortality offered an eternity to pursue what interested you without the disruption of sickness, or fear of being left out of doing what you love due to injury; Alec never have to worry about being unable to train because he’d sprained his ankle after all.

No, no it was simply incomprehensible as to why the Cullen boy would throw away his immortal existence so readily, and when the reason why was finally revealed to them it only left Alec all the more baffled. A human? He wished to end his life because a human had done the same? Humans died everyday in droves, most of them tripping over their own feet and into their graves. They were weak, fragile, dim-witted enough that most actually deserved the cattle-like status his predatory nature accredited them. For Edward to willingly choose one as his mate had been foolish from the start and Alec had to wonder if this wasn’t some sort of cosmic ‘I told you so’. Surely a human couldn’t be the true mate of a vampire? Alec had never pondered over the mating bond before but as Demetri and Felix silently followed after the boy to see to it he did nothing foolish, he began to wonder about the nature of such bonds.

Aro and Caius had both turned their mates, as had Chelsea. They had all felt some form of affection for their mates as humans but had the bond solidified before or after their transformation? Were the red strings of fate he’d read about in varying fantasy novels real to some extent? Venom hardening them to form the strong bonds that allowed vampires to mate for life? He couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone to the point that Marcus had, where they became the only thing his world revolved around and left it collapsing once they were gone. Humans surely weren’t capable of loving anyone with that kind of depth, were they? Not with their flawed design.

“Dear Jane, please go and see what’s taking them so long?” Aro requested. Jane gave him a sugar sweet smile in response, kissed Alec’s cheek and floated gracefully down the steps and towards the door. Alec watched her go before returning to his thoughts, the conundrum still fresh in his mind, but Aro did not let him remain there, a drawn out sigh escaping him as he steepled his fingers to rest his chin on his hands.

“Something bothers you, Master?” he asked, tilting his head. Maybe he was having similar thoughts and they could brainstorm together. Aro stared at the doors ahead of them, his expression completely impassive. Alec was treated with the deference his gift and status demanded but out of them two of them, he knew Jane would always be the favourite, and he was okay with that. He would serve loyally as long as he lived, grateful for all the Masters’ had given him, but he did not need to be valued in the way Jane did.

“I hope Edward does nothing foolish. He would be a great asset to our little household.” Aro responded. Alec kept his face impassive, mind immediately turning now to the tactical advantage telepathy could offer. Edward’s gift was indeed powerful in its own way, to hear over great distances would compliment Demetri’s tracking ability well and override Felix’s tendency to impulsively use his brute strength without identifying priority targets first…

“Undoubtedly.” Alec agreed. Aro chuckled slightly.

“Your mind is preoccupied Alec, perhaps you ought focus it?” he suggested lightly. Alec forced back an eye roll, inclining his head to indicate he had heard him before stepping down from his place beside his throne. He retraced his sister’s footsteps, following the main hall along until he reached the secretary’s desk. Gianna glanced up, standing to greet him with the professionally polite smile she was obliged to give him, even though her heart was thundering in her chest.

“Have the others returned yet?” he questioned. Gianna shook her head.

“No Alec, they have yet to come back this way.” She answered. Alec hummed thoughtfully, engaging his senses and straining his ears to listen to the stumbling footsteps approaching. There were the usual graceful taps of his sister’s dainty steps, the tell-tale smoothness of vampires moving along stone, but the clumsy thudding that followed was definitely human in origin. What cause did they have to bring humans back into their home? That was Heidi’s job after all, and she would be returning home soon enough to slake their thirst.

“But Bella I don’t-“

“Just…not now.”

Bella? Isabella? The human mate? Now that perked his interest. Alec watched with keen eyes as the doors slid open to reveal his siter first, and a brigade of people behind her. Felix and Demetri brought up the rear as Gianna greeted Jane with the same professional courtesy she had him, the golden-eyed Cullen’s following along behind her. The two humans they had brought with them were corralled between them. One clung to Edward like a barnacle to the underside of a ship, spindly arms thrown around him despite her chattering teeth and goosebump riddled flesh. She was quite ordinary in appearance, plain even, yet the way Edward stood made it abundantly clear that this human was something extraordinary to him, something he would protect. The other was...oh how to describe her?

She captivated him almost immediately, Alec unable to take his eyes off of her approach. Was she always that pale or had the situation leeched the colour from her face? Was she always so wide-eyed or was it fear that had blown those (Y/E/C) irises wide open? She was smaller in stature than the other, yet similar enough looks wise it was clear they were siblings, one older one younger. She was perhaps his physical age with all the wide-eyed innocence that entailed, gangly limbs she hadn’t really grown into yet carrying her along with a bit of encouragement from Felix’s proximity, and the Cullen woman’s guiding hand.

“Sister, they send you out for one and you bring back three, such a clever girl.” He teased, Jane’s scent invading his nose and helping refocus his mind. Her eyes rolled, but she still embraced him as she always did with a trill of laughter to boot.

“They made it all to easy.” She responded. Alec could see the malice in his sister’s eyes and guessed that she was not appreciative of having to wait for the humans. It irked him more than it should, that the young girl had potentially unintentionally incurred his sister’s wrath, the mere notion that perhaps Jane’s thoughts of her were less than savoury something that made every protective instinct he had ever had for his sister flare and extend to this stranger.

“Edward, you seem in a markedly better mood.” He said, hoping to distract himself from the sudden, unnerving discovery.

“Marginally.” the mind-reader agreed, though his voice was blunt and cutting. Clearly Edward was not in the mood to talk.

“But Alice I still don’t know-“

“Shhh Y/N, not now.” Alice Cullen, the seer that Aro had raved about from the moment he had learned of her existence. Alec should have been interested in her, should have been evaluating her as a threat and a potential ally, but his mind had been thoroughly distracted by the small human once more. Y/N…it was a good name, a name that felt pleasant in his ears and rolled easily off of the tongue.

“But Alice-“ the urgency in her voice tore at his heart and Alec had the strange urge to comfort her. Did she truly know nothing? If she knew nothing of their kind she had broken no law and there was no reason to put her through any of this, it was unnecessary suffering.

“Is this the cause of all the trouble?” he asked, unable to keep the scepticism from his voice as he took in her unremarkable sibling. Isabella seemed to shiver under his stare (much to his amusement) though it was the younger girl whose reaction he was more interested in. Her head turned his way, (Y/C/H) hair swishing with the movement as wide (Y/C/E) eyes latched onto his own and refused to let go. The scent that was wafted up his nose was almost unbearably tantalising, the controlled burn in his throat flaring to a raging inferno that he almost choked on for a moment before he caught himself. Edward’s stare was penetrating, Alice Cullen tightening her grip on the young girl in her care in case he made a move. He swallowed back the fire but there was no hiding the way his eyes had melted to black, and the sweet tinge of fear in her already too appealing smell only made him want to give into his urges all the more.

He hadn’t realised he’d taken a step towards her until she flinched back from him, and for the first time in a long time Alec felt genuine pain. The fear on her face was obvious, the rampant thudding in her chest tangible proof that she was terrified, and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like it and he didn’t like that he didn’t like it because she was just human, flawed and breakable and pathetic so why oh why did it pain him so to see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes?

“Y-your eyes…they just – your eyes just…Bella what did you get me into?” her voice wavered and something inside him just snapped. For once, Alec didn’t feel the apathy that came with taking a life seen as less valuable than his own, he didn’t take any sort of joy in watching her be afraid of his advance. He couldn’t deny it, not when the feeling was so deeply rooted and burned so fiercely, like a flower that been laid dormant beneath the Earth suddenly bursting from the soil to bloom brightly. He was protective of this human he barely knew, and it was terrifying to feel so connected to someone he had never met before.

“I mean you no harm, I give you my word.” The promise had escaped him before he had really thought it through and he was well aware he could not keep such a promise, but she didn’t care to hear it anyway, cringing even more into Alice since Bella seemed to refuse her in that moment. It only made him angrier. He was angry with himself for suddenly losing the emotional control he had gained over a long millennium of living, angry that he was making promises he couldn’t keep, and he was angry at the stares he was receiving from those he would call friend. Jane looked the most outwardly shocked before she quickly covered, but the one person he would have hoped would react positively just didn’t. Y/N was too afraid to see sense, and he supposed given the pie-crust promise he’d just made that might be a good thing, even if it hurt. He was angry to that her sister ignored her obvious need for comfort.

He let his sister take the lead as they headed back to the throne room, trying to fight through the sudden swell of confusing emotion and sensory information. His nose seemed attuned to her scent, suspiciously close to his favourite smells of lemongrass and gooseberry, his eyes magnetised to her form to the point he turned his head to glance back at her so frequently that Demetri felt the need to motion for him to keep his head turned forward. Humans radiated heat anyway but she felt scorching, a mini-sun whose tendrils reached out and left warmth lashing down his spine. His ears were full of her heartbeat. She was so thoroughly distracting he could barely take his eyes off of her after he had taken his place by Caius, the blonde man staring with such distaste at the both of them that Alec felt a strong urge to step between them and absorb the glare himself.

He could only half pay attention as the conversation unfolded around him, because Y/N wouldn’t stop looking at him like he was the devil incarnate and it bothered him immensely. He had dealt with it his whole life, a social pariah for his links to witchcraft and someone whose gift left him with few friends since they feared the authority it gave him. He had handled it then, and he handled it now, he could deal with other people looking at him like that but not her, anyone but her.

“Alec!” Jane hissed his name and Alec snapped to attention, mist unfolding from his palms so he was ready to take down any threat that came at him. Demetri snickered loudly enough it reached his ears and Alec’s glare was so deadly it drew a soft whimper from her. He almost groaned. Could he do no right by her? Y/N had started trembling a while ago but now there were full body shakes wracking her from head to foot, her teeth grinding together so loudly he worried the teeth might snap under the strain she was putting on them. Aro’s laughter clattered through his head and he turned to face him, at a loss as to what to do for once. He didn’t honestly think that he could hurt the girl if asked.

“My dear boy it would seem you are quite distracted by young Miss Swan. Oh to be young and in love once more!” he tittered. Alec froze, every muscle locking in place as the distinct feeling of distress rose through the confusion and anger and pain he’d been desperately trying to wade through. Love? He definitely did not love the girl, it was mere curiosity and nothing else, the same curiosity he applied to his studies.

“Love?” Jane’s voice was equally as harsh and Aro seemed surprised by her reaction. Alec was not. For centuries they had had only each other, the centre of a small world where they seldomly let others join them. The very notion another might be welcomed into his heart would be not just repulsive, but very troubling for her.

“Why, don’t tell me you cannot see it? Already the bond between them has set, the thread connecting them tied at both ends. Are you not happy for your twin to have found such a rare and beautiful thing?” Aro wondered. As if Aro had perhaps waved a magic wand his mind settled. His brain had tried to fight what his body already knew, his subconcious screaming the word while his rational mind raced a million miles ahead to try and outrun the answer until it could run no more, and the two collided. The aftermath of the explosion was calm, almost wonderous, for he would finally get the chance to study something he had never studied before.

“You’re my mate.” He breathed. Even he could hear the awe in his voice, though nobody but him seemed to find it wonderful. Jane hissed, both Cullen’s tensing up while Bella recoiled from her sister like she was diseased, and Y/N…Y/N just cried. Alec’s world ground to a halt, the pain his mate spilling out and into him. He descended the stairs with every intention of stopping her tears, hoping to calm her perhaps and explain exactly what it meant to be mates, but Y/N didn’t let Bella refuse her this time and sought refuge in her sister, sobbing all the while.

“Wh-what did you do! Why d-did you bring me h-here? I d-don’t want to st-stay with him!”

The words were a hard blow, they struck him in the gut and it was the closest he’d felt to nauseous in centuries.

“I have no desire to keep you here, but if you would please-“

“Leave me alone! I w-want to go home!” she cried, not so much as turning to look at him. If he hadn’t been a vampire he would probably have missed all of the muffled words she heaved into her sisters shoulder.

“You can still go home yet-“ he had paid enough attention to know Bella was not being executed at least and as his mate Y/N was exempt of that fate to, “-all I would like is a chance to talk.” Alec’s plea fell on deaf ears, his hand shrugged off of her shoulder.

“No!”

Alec straightened, wiping his face of any and all expression, he didn’t so much as give any of them a farewell before he left the room. The sudden rejection stung worse than the fire that had once burned his flesh from his bones, and the hollow that opened in his gut grew wider and wider with every moment that passed since the second he’d left her. He put down his books, spending his nights envisioning her tear-stained face and wondering what would have made her smile instead. He craved to know every like and dislike, to hear her voice when she wasn’t consumed with horror and fear, to learn more about her life and contrast it with his own. They had all tried to talk him round in the intervening months, but Alec couldn’t find the strength to drag himself out of the numbness that had enveloped him. Not until Marcus came by to see him anyway.

“What do you require of me, Master?” he asked, staring aimlessly out of the window at the Garden’s below. Marcus seated himself at the desk across the room, the one littered with books Alec hadn’t had the heart to open since the fateful day his mate had left him.

“Didyme was not immediately drawn to me either.” He rasped. Alec’s head whipped around at that, the shock on his face obvious. Marcus had been nothing but a shell in all the time he had known him, grieving a lost love so profound Alec was sure that their story must have been the greatest romance ever known. To hear Didyme had not readily accepted him was both astounding and…it gave him hope.

“She didn’t?” he hedged. Marcus glanced to him, a wisp of smile floating from his lips before his expression fell flat again.

“She was a headstrong woman, and for a while she resented Aro for what he did to her, to me. She could not revel in her new state as we did, this world was so different from the one she had known…it took time for her to adjust before she truly opened her heart to me.” His words were like a soothing balm on the raw wound her rejection had left behind.

“I might find it more encouraging if I was sure I might yet see her again.” Alec frowned slightly as Marcus pushed to his feet.

“There will be opportunity enough to visit her yet, you might yet be surprised.” He answered, floating from the room like dust on the wind. Alec stared at the door, his mind mulling over the cryptic message before the briefest hint of a smile twitched his lips upward. Hope was a beautiful thing, and it only grew in his chest as Aro deployed them to Seattle not a day later to deal with a mess created by a gaggle of newborns. When stressed, vampires did not fidget but rather became motionless and immobile, but while he sat rigid as stone in his seat for the flight over his mind became restless. Where would he find her in this city? If Marcus’s cryptic message had been for him then surely he knew he would find Y/N here? Demetri’s hand on his arm made him pause before he stepped off of the jet.

“She’s in the city Alec, if you need a guide.” His voice was low enough nobody but him would hear him. Alec fully planned to take him up on the offer once their work for the night was done, it wasn’t often the tracker was rendered unnecessary, but Alec didn’t need Demetri’s gift to know when he had found her.

Her sobbing was ingrained in his memory after all.

The rage that built in him was blinding, his body unable to move fast enough to put himself between Y/N and the newborns dragging her mangled body from the wreckage of a car they had flipped. All around him was the screaming and snarling of newborns, the metallic screech of hardened skin coming apart as they put an end to the atrocity. His mist had exploded outward, rippling in every direction and he had only just enough sense of mind to ensure it didn’t harm his coven mates as he tore apart the newborns who had dared lay a hand on his mate. Chest heaving and throat blazing, Alec felt the blood on the ground soak his trousers as he collapsed beside her. She was screaming, body contorting in awful ways as her face turned red, veins popping in her neck as it strained. Alec placed a cool hand shakily on her forehead, beyond furious with the grotesque bitemark marring her shoulder.

“What were you thinking brother! Now that we have destroyed this group we – we…oh…oh Alec…” the rage that simmered in Jane’s voice very quickly dissipated when she saw the state he was in. His head was swimming, the appealing scent of blood hanging heavy in the air while his gut twisted and fury and terror raged war in his heart. She was turning, there was no doubt about it, the venom was leaking out of the wound with her blood. She was turning and it wasn’t his venom.

“I – I can take away the pain.” He stammered. He had wanted someone to do that for him when he burned. It was the greatest act of mercy he could think of, perhaps the greatest way for him to show his love for a girl he barely knew but wanted to oh so badly.

“You will starve yourself before she completes the transformation. There is hardly enough venom in that bite Alec.” Felix pointed out. Y/N let out another tortured shriek, body twisting. He heard the broken bones in her legs crunching at the movement and said a silent prayer to thank whatever deity was watching over her that the venom was excruciating enough she wouldn’t have to feel broken bones on top of it.

“So what do I do? Leave her like this? She’s in agony!” he snapped, “She’s in agony and I can end it!”

“It is a natural thing brother.” Jane said quietly.

“But it does not have to be endured forever.” Demetri weighed in finally, “Give her some more Alec, shorten the process and if you find yourself unable to stop…well, we will stop you.” Alec could only give her an anguished stare, loathe to cause her anymore pain but knowing Demetri was right. The longer the change dragged on for the less likely it was she would survive, but if he bit her again, gave her more of his venom to override what little was already diffusing through her blood, it would shorten the process considerably. He could already feel the acidic liquid pooling in his mouth and he hoped she could see just how apologetic he was, though he didn’t think it likely given how her eyes had rolled back into her head as she convulsed with a shout.

“Stop me Jane, forget our oath this one time and do whatever it takes to stop me.” He demanded. Jane looked horrified by the very thought but Alec didn’t wait for her to consent to his plea, cradling Y/N close and closing his eyes as he bared his teeth, ready to bite into the buttersoft sinews of her throat…

“What are you thinking about so hard?” her voice was melodic in his ears, a symphony he never grew tired of. Startled from his reverie, Alec had to pause a moment to gather his thoughts and remind himself where he was. Volterra was bathed in sunshine once more and his skin refracted it beautifully against the walls of the garden, the book in his lap long since discarded as his mind began to wonder. It had been a while, since he’d recalled that fateful night.

“You’re back,” he noted with a small smile, “I was thinking about you of course, as I always do when you’re not around.” Her smile could have lit up New York city, and Alec adored it. Y/N hadn’t been happy upon waking up in Volterra, Alec by her side as he quietly explained she had been made immortal in desperate circumstances. It had taken her many months to get over the traumatic incident but since she had started to bounce back to her old self, Alec had discovered a rather beautiful, happy person he really rather liked. Since she had been forced to spend so much time with him, letting him coach her in the new way of life she had to adopt, she had taken quite a liking to him to it seemed.

“You should be proud of me, I got to the nomad before Demetri so we all got to come home sooner. You should have seen his face!” She giggled. Alec couldn’t help but smirk, smug and proud as he pulled her down to rest between his legs, back pressed flush to his chest. Her scent dragged him under, a tranquil wave settling those restless parts of him that recognised how incomplete he felt without her around. He buried his nose in her hair to take a deep lungful of the addictive smell.

“I’m always proud of you.” He promised softly.

“Have you just been reading all the time we’ve been gone?” she wondered. Alec hummed, picking up the book he had discarded and reopening to the page he was on.

“It was the one you recommended to me. I’ve just gotten to the chapter where Sephy realises Callum is one of her kidnappers.” He revealed, and without hesitation he dropped his cheek atop her hair and began to read aloud. She melted into him, her hands mindlessly reaching for the ground every now and then while Alec focused his energy on his book, the peaceful atmosphere remaining unbroken for a chapter more before she shifted. He relinquished her immediately, knowing his mate was never one to stay still for too long, only to be surprised when she turned on her knees with a ring of daisies in her hand. Alec raised an eyebrow and she grinned.

“I hereby declare you King Alec of Castle Volterra!” she announced. The daisy crown was placed daintly atop his head, only to fall and get stuck on the bridge of his nose. Too big to be a crown but too small to be a necklace. Her face fell into a pout as Alec began to laugh, very gently rearranging the daisies so they rested at an angle and were slightly weighted down by some of his brunette hair.

“I, King Alec, declare I cannot rule without you, Queen Y/N,” he proclaimed, offering her his hand. She giggled as he pushed to his feet, pulling her with him. She was forever going to be shorter than him, just a little, and he loved that. “Now, as our first royal duty, that dye you ordered came. I decree it’s time to give our guard matching uniforms!” He was bolstered by her obvious enthusiasm, crimson eyes sparkling.

“It came? The neon green one?” she asked eagerly. Alec nodded, unable to keep his laughter at bay as she bounced up and kissed him so quickly she almost broke his teeth with the speed she moved at. He didn’t get to voice his protest because she was already dragging him by the hand back towards the castle. Before he had met her, schemes like this would have made his nose turn up in distaste. How childish these endeavours were, how wasteful of their time. Y/N had changed his perspective on a great many things, and it was rather nice now and then to give into the childish ways his physical age demanded he give in to every now and then, he had gotten so good at repressing those throughout the centuries but she seemed to bring out the playful side of him. If anything had managed to convince Jane she was a good addition to their family, it was tallying how much more Alec had smiled since she came into his life to stay.

“I can pilfer the shirts, they’re far less likely to suspect I am up to any wrong doing than if they smell you in their rooms.” Alec pointed out in hushed tones. She nodded, her head tilted up as they walked close together, co-conspirators to anyone looking in.

“Okay, you steal the shirts while I mix the-“

“Mix the what, exactly?” Demetri’s voice came from behind them and with wide eyes Y/N yelled ‘Scatter!’ before the tracker had the chance to grab either of them by the collar. Alec bolted after her down the corridor, just ever so slightly lagging behind her since she still had her newborn strength and speed. She grabbed his wrist without warning and Alec felt Demetri’s hand swipe right through his head before she tugged him straight through a wall and they began to freefall into the courtyard below. Demetri was cursing up a storm inside, her gift having turned them both immaterial long enough to allow them to pass through the walls in a way he couldn’t. Collapsing in a fit of boisterous laughter the pair lingered in the sunlight, eyes bright and smiles wide. For a moment, anyone passing them by might have forgotten their glittering skin and vibrant red eyes, mistaking them for two normal teens experiencing the euphoria of puppy love.

“Did you see his face!” she gasped. Alec could only smile at her, hand reaching to tuck a lock of stray hair behind her ear so he could have an unobstructed view of her face. Her smile faded slightly, expression growing more sheepish instead.

“I was too busy looking at yours. I think I would like to spend every day I have looking at your face over his. I love you Y/N, at least, I think this is what love feels like.” His brows furrowed, the confession falling from his tongue without his permission. He wondered if perhaps it was too soon, too big a word to label the affection they held for one another, but seeing the way her face lit up told him otherwise.

“Pinky swear it, Alec. If you don’t pinky swear it’s not real.” She said, holding out her hand. Alec rolled his eyes but looped his pinky through hers, cementing his promise with all the binding legality the pinky swear had to offer.

“I swear it Y/N. I’m forever yours.”  

[doctenwho]

Awkwardly Perfect

Hello! Sorry I’ve been gone a bit, this request stumped me real hard, since I usually write reader this same way, and it’s hard to write the same personality for both people in the fic, but still making them different! So, my hyperfocus ended up kicking in on another show-- which turned into 30k words for that... I honestly feel bad to keep you guys waiting. 

Anyways, I finally figured out how to do this one (hopefully decently), so, I hope you like it! I don’t know how well it turned out, because I really didn’t know where to take it? So, enjoy (hopefully)!

Warnings: None!

Word Count: 2,557 (sorry it’s a bit short!)

Summary: Read above!

(Gif doesn’t belong to me, credit to creator!)

You weren’t really sure how the knowledge that you and DI Hardy were dating came to light. The town of Broadchurch was apparently very interested in the newcomer Detective Inspector, and he was usually the topic of conversation these days—whether praising his good work casually, or completely cross with what his awful personality.  

Honestly though, you didn’t see it. He hadn’t appeared to be as big of a douche as everyone made him out to be when you’d met him. He was nice, and gentle. Cautious, but he had this incredible softness to him, that you’d pick up on if you talked to him for more than twenty seconds without forming an opinion on his professionalism.  

Maybe you understood it, him, because you’d been the town grump before he’d arrived and outshined your attitude. You didn’t mind, of course, whatever got your community off your back about ‘not smiling as much as you should’, or ‘socialize more! You’re a part of this community!’.

It was actually nice to not have to worry about people trying to get you to be more friendly, or to smile more, or to even just want to stop and talk with you. You lived here because it was where you’d grown up, not because you liked it the way everyone else did. It was where the family business, that was now yours, thrived and kept you afloat in the world.  

It was hard to break old habits, and Broadchurch was all you’d known. You didn’t want to have to start somewhere new, even if your incredibly close-knit community did their best to push you in that direction with their sheer ‘all for one, and one for all’ attitude.

It was just a part of everyday life, that you’d been a part of since you were a child. You really had been in Broadchurch your whole life.  

The day you’d met the man the whole of Broadchurch had been talking about, was the day you were brought in for questioning about the case. Someone had thrown you under the bus regarding the murder of Danny Latimer, which had been happening more and more in the peaceful little town.  

Turns out all it took was a bit of fear for everyone to be throwing names around to get the focus off them, and you’d been the unfortunate next victim, just because Danny Latimer occasionally came into your shop.

It was dumb, considering you’d talked to Danny maybe fifteen times since the boy had been born, and you really had no interest in any of the children running amok in the neighborhood. You’d told DI Hardy as much.  

Nothing had lined up with you, or your shop with the evidence of the case. The last time you’d seen Danny was probably a year before the awful night of his murder. Besides, you’d had a steady alibi, which was cleared with the friend you’d been out of town with. Staying at her flat in the town over—away from Broadchurch. You hadn’t even heard about the murder until you return two days later, to the utter chaos of your usually peaceful community.  

And just like that, you were cleared.  

But you really hadn’t seen the hard-faced detective everyone was talking about. The ‘shit-faced’ man who was the talk of the town for being a complete asshole. 

He’d seemed nice to you, sitting across from you at the interview table—offering to get you a warm beverage before the interrogation started. He didn’t really look like he believed you’d done anything—not when there was the proof you’d been gone, but also nothing in the actual evidence that pointed to you.  

He’d been a detective for a long time, so you were sure he’d done at least a couple interrogations that were a waste of time, checking up on someone clearly uninvolved because someone else had thrown their name out to get the attention off themselves.

So, you’d ended up leaving the station just over a half an hour after you’d arrived in the first place, cleared completely. Well, at least so long as no incriminating evidence that pointed to you came to light—which would be impossible, since you kept to yourself in this town, and you’d been away the night Danny had been killed.  

It had been two days later, that Hardy had shown up at your shop. In his hand was a coffee—made the same way you’d asked for it when he’d gotten you the drink before the interrogation.

And from there, you’d hit it off.

You weren’t a person of interest, so there wasn’t really anything wrong with the relationship.  

It was honestly the best relationship you’d even had. There was just something different about Alec Hardy. He wasn’t like everyone else you dated—you felt comfortable with him. You weren’t the grouchy one who didn’t want to do anything, you were the one agreeing to stay in at your house, instead of going out and doing whatever happened to be the talk of the town—from restaurants to films.  

Maybe it was just that the two of you were so alike, similar opinions, and mannerisms. Same taste in things, and opinions on people. For the first time in Broadchurch, there was someone else in Broadchurch that you could rant too about the community, and the hardships of the town being so small and friendly. 

And Hardy understood, ranted along with you easily. He hadn’t grown up here, but he very well could’ve with how well he understood your concerns.  

It was just so nice.

But even if you were completely happy in this relationship, you’d still kept it a secret. The two of you agreeing to keep it on the downlow, both so everything was focused on Danny Latimer instead of DI Hardy’s new relationship with small business own (Y/N).

That, of course, hadn’t lasted longer than a week or two. Thankfully, by the time news came out that the two of you were involved, Danny’s killer had been arrested. No one could say anything now about you and the detective inspector being a couple. It didn’t relate to Danny Latimer’s case at all, and no one could twist that around on either you, or Alec.  

Small towns were really awful when it came to secrets, which was why you were so surprised the case had been ongoing as long as it had.  

Someone had seen the two of you together, and then, like magic, the whole town suspected the two of you were together. Articles were in the paper, which irked you, because they really should have better things to be writing about than a relationship. It was bad enough that they’d delved into Alec when he first arrived to do a job, now they were digging deeper about who was romantically involved with.  

Hardy tried to keep it under control, and keep the focus off you and himself, but you’d known that wasn’t going to work. Not here. Not in Broadchurch. Not where something mentioned in casual conversation could end up being swept through the town in gossip in just hours.  

So, the next best thing was to come clean about it. Go on an awkward date where people looked in their direction, and whispered gossip amongst themselves. To end this quickly, they needed to open their relationship up just enough for other people to see it, and talk about it. Make it something big before it fell flat and became old news like everything else in the town.  

It wasn’t that incredibly different now that people knew. The two of you still liked to hide away in your house for dinner and a movie, instead of going out. You liked your privacy—but now you had the option to go out if you wanted. Which... maybe you would sometimes?

It was just weird to have everyone’s eyes on you whenever you and Hardy happened to be in the same room. You’d touch hands, and kiss, lean into each other—regular couple things—but it was usually in the privacy of your home, or maybe even Hardy’s hotel room. But it was just awkward to do any of that outside of those safe spaces.  

You’d always been awkward about being overly affectionate in public—but you weren’t against it. When a significant other happened to instigate the affection you rarely turned it down. You were just awful at starting anything. Nervous even though you shouldn’t be. There was just so much a small town could say, and it tended to get under your skin, even though you’d grown up here.  

Hardy was apparently the same way. There were times where he looked like he wanted to grab your hand, or throw his arm across your shoulders—or even press a kiss to your cheek, but he never actually did outside the safety of your home, or his room.  

That said, you did want to express your affection to him where others could see it. As much as you liked the privacy and intimacy the two of you had, you still wanted to have people know you’re together when they look at you. Happily involved with the man the community seemed to despise, even though he’d gotten justice for Danny.  

It was just awkward.

You were glad that both you and Alec saw how awkward it was. It was almost funny—the two of you had actually laughed about an awkward almost handholding that had occurred during the day. The two of you were so similar, it was almost scary.

It was just as sad as it was funny though.  

After that conversation, the two of you had started trying to be more... touchy in public.  

To let your fingers flutter across the other’s hand while the two of you walked side by side. Or where one of you would take the other’s hand softly, and the other would intertwine your fingers together. Eye contact, and pecks to each other’s cheeks or lips when the time felt right.

It was still weird, but it was getting more natural.  

People didn’t stop and stare when the two of you held hands anymore. They still might if you kissed, but it was easily brushed off. Easily forgotten. Which you honestly wanted.  

No one stared when any of the other happy coupled showed affection, but they did when it was you—but too be fair, you never really did before.  

It was as new to them, as it was to you. That didn't make it any less uncomfortable though.  

“Are you alright?” Alec asked softly at your side, letting his shoulder brush against yours faintly.

You turned to him, giving him a short nod.  

“I was just thinking,” you told him honestly.

It was one of those rare nights when the two of you decided to leave the comfort of staying in dates in exchange for a night out. It wasn’t exciting though, since neither of you were overly exciting people.

It had just been a long day for both of you—Alec at the station, and you having to do inventory at your shop. Neither of you were in the mood to cook anything, so you’d settled on grabbing fish and chips and taking the date to a bench overlooking the ocean that you and Alec both liked.

The two of you shared an order of fish and chips, and an extra order of just chips—you enjoying the fish, while Alec tended to like the chips more. It worked for the two of you. You weren’t huge on greasy food like fish and chips, just as him, but you could go for it every once and a while.  

“Thinking about what?” Alec questioned as the two of you moved up. There was just one more person in front of you, before you could order.  

“Us,” you shrugged, “this town.”

“Ah,” Alec gave a nod. And he knew. He always understood you, even when you were speaking broad as you were now. He was just such an observant guy, who understood you in a way no one else ever had. Like you tended to understand him. “Anything specifically?”

“PDA,” you gave him a little laugh, “how awful we both are at it.”

“I wouldn’t say awful,” Alec huffed, “frighteningly bad, for sure.”

“That works too,” you snorted a laugh, brushing your shoulder against his this time. “I’ve just always seen everyone cozying up to their partners, and... I don’t know. I don’t think we need too to show everyone we’re a real couple—but it’s nice every once and a while.”

“Yeah,” Alec gave a nod, looking down at your hand before looking back up at you, “I’m not very good at it. Never have been and... probably won’t ever be.”

“Neither am I,” you agreed with a one-shoulder shrug. “At least we know. We don’t need to prove to anyone.”

Alec gave another nod, looking back down at your hand, where he slowly slipped his fingers into your palm. You smiled down at his attempt, closing your fingers around his. “It is weird being... vulnerable with this community keeping such a close eye on you...”

“Yeah,” you sighed, giving his hand a shallow squeeze, “but that’s Broadchurch for you.”

Alec made a humming noise of agreement as the two of you finally stepped up to the counter. The vendor didn’t appear to care the two of you were here, holding hands. Then again, teenagers generally didn’t.  

You ordered your guy’s meal, and the extra side of chips, paying this time since Alec had bought the last round. The fish and chips were in your hand within minutes, and then the two of you were walking away towards the bench you wanted to eat at.  

Neither of you bothered to take your hand away, which was usual. Neither wanted to start the affectionate touching, but neither of you wanted to let it go when it happened. A mutual love of it when it was there, but not a need for it. And lovely as it was.  

The two of you walked side by side, hand interlocked and swinging lightly with your steps. It was nice. Just holding hands. Not caring if anyone was watching because this wasn’t a restaurant, or town where observers were everywhere. This was secluded, where the two of you could just be.  

The bench was empty, just like it usually was. You sat down together, closer than you would’ve anywhere else. Your shoulders brushed as you both ate from the take-out paper bags in your laps.  

Conversation flowed easily, about your days, and the food, and the view of the ocean. Regular conversation. And when the two of you were finished, Alec took your hand back into his, thumb running the length of the back of your hand as you just looked out at the water.  

You gave a fond sigh, inching closer to him and settling your head on his shoulder. He looked at you briefly before letting his head settle against the side your yours.  

You guys may not be exceedingly good at public affection—nor did the two of you stride for it... but when it happened, it really was the best thing. Awkward and perfect.  

Perfect for the two of you, at least.

<><><><>

Hope you liked this! Sorry once again for the wait. I’ll try to keep this blog priority, but I do really like writing the other show too (sadly not David Tennant :C). 

Thank you for reading! As always, feel free to prompt again if this wasn’t what you were looking for! 

[misscorn]

Day 5

Favorite Couple

Surprise, surprise my favorite couple is Ritsu and Masamune LMAO so let's keep the nostalgia going @sihjrweek (again if you haven't then read my previous entries for context ❤)

***

"I won't be able to hang out after school tomorrow." Ritsu said, currently dressing and desperately wishing that his Senpai would STOP staring at him. However, Saga was perfectly content to stay naked under his covers and watch Ritsu put on his clothes. Of course, the older teen would've preferred that Ritsu keep them off and spend the night, but it was a school night and Ritsu's mother wouldn't allow it.

"Why not?" Saga asked, sitting up. It had been almost two weeks since White Day, the jar of stars on Saga's nightstand, some of them obviously unfolded and refolded. Although Saga was still understandably irked about his boyfriend having a literal fiancée (even if Ritsu insisted she wasn't one) he spent as much time with Ritsu as he possibly could. That included hanging out in the library after class every day. Maybe Saga was becoming a little clingy or needy, but he didn't care.

"My parents want to spend the day with me tomorrow since it's my birthday." Ritsu shrugged. He had finished dressing and now he had moved on to trying to fix his hair.

"Tomorrow's your birthday? Why didn't you tell me it was coming up?!" Saga asked. He had no time to plan anything! He had no present, no cake, no way to celebrate!

"Honestly, I sort of forgot my birthday was coming up until my mom said something yesterday. It's not really something I ever think about." Ritsu said, not seeing what the big deal was.

Saga huffed. "Well, start thinking about it, moron. I want to do something with you for your birthday." He said. "Let's celebrate over the weekend."

Ritsu blushed, flattered by the unexpected offer. "W-We don't have to do something, Senpai. I'm happy just seeing you." He said.

Crap, why did he have to say such cute shit like that? It made Saga want to yank him right back into bed and kiss him breathless.

"You see me almost everyday. I wanna do something more special than that." Saga said. He didn't like that it wouldn't be on Ritsu's actual birthday, but at least it gave him a little more time to prepare. He watched as Ritsu opened his mouth to protest. "Please?" Saga spoke softly before the brunette even got the chance.

"O-O-Okay." Ritsu agreed, a little caught off guard by the gentle 'please'.

"Come over on Saturday. You can spend the night."

Ritsu nodded. "I'll see you Saturday then." He said, trying not to think too deeply about what 'spending the night' would hold, otherwise he'd become a flustered mess.

"Wait, c'mere." Saga said after Ritsu grabbed his bag, clearly ready to leave.

Ritsu shuffled closer to the bed and Saga grabbed his hand before pulling him down to give him one last kiss. "Love you."

Ritsu predictably turned cherry red. "Y-you can't just sneak attack me like that!"

"What about that was sneaky?"

"Y-You know what I mean!" Ritsu quickly tried to put distance between them, but Saga held his hand tightly.

"Say it back."

"S-S-Stop teasing me!" Ritsu was not at all used to hearing Saga say the L word yet. It also seemed like every day Saga was becoming more affectionate. Not that Ritsu disliked it! Quite the opposite in fact! His poor heart just couldn't take it.

"Not letting you go till you say it." Saga said, leaving a few kisses on Ritsu's hand. Maybe if he embarrassed Ritsu enough he'd get the response he was looking for.

Ritsu's knees almost gave out from such a simple, but intimate action. "I-I can b-barely talk at all when y-you do things like that!"

'Damn it. I really don't want him to leave.' Saga thought. "You're sure you can't spend the night tonight?" He asked.

"My mother would kill me for even thinking about it." Ritsu said.

Saga sighed and flopped on to his back, still holding Ritsu's hand. "Fiiiiine."

"So...you have to let me go..." Ritsu reminded him, half-trying to wiggle his way out of his grip.

"You have to say it back first." Saga said.

"I-I love you too."

Saga, although he didn't want to, released Ritsu's hand. "See you Saturday. Around 12 sound good? We can have lunch together."

Ritsu nodded in confirmation, deciding to be just a little bold and kiss Saga's cheek before running off quickly.

Shit, that brat! Doing something cute like that and running away before Saga could grab him.

'Saturday.' Saga reminded himself before groaning. 'Fuck, what am I even gonna do for Saturday?'

The next day Saga decided to skip the library at the end of classes since Ritsu wouldn't even be there. Plus, he needed to use his free time to try to find a present for him. He felt like a book was a safe bet, but that was also just way too obvious. Still, the bookstore wasn't a bad place to start.

Saga took his time looking through titles, eventually reaching for a book. His hand ended up meeting another and he pulled away, looking over to see who was trying to get the same novel.

Kohinata An.

Saga couldn't help but to frown. Why, why of all people did it have to be her? Ritsu had told Saga that An knew about them, which didn't bother the upperclassman, but he still didn't want to see her.

"Oh, hello, Saga Senpai." An said before giving a knowing smile. "You're here to shop for Richan too, aren't you?" She had been invited to by Youko Onodera to spend the day with them and Ritsu for his birthday, but she had politely declined. She knew it was just a way for Youko to try to set them up.

Saga tried not to look too terribly annoyed at the question. She was Ritsu's friend, of course she knew when his birthday was and of course she'd be getting him a present, but something about it still bothered him.

"Yeah." He answered.

"Richan's sooooo hard to shop for. Every year I try to keep an eye out for something he might like, but I always end up resorting to books." She laughed, but slowly lost her smile when Saga did not react. "Um, Saga Senpai, I..." She trailed off.

"What?" He asked, hoping she'd leave him alone soon.

An hesitated, wanting apologize for what happened on White Day, but instead she smiled and grabbed the book off the shelf. She held it out to him. "You should get Richan this book. He's been reading a lot more fantasy novels lately and I've heard a lot of good things about this one. He'll love it."

Saga slowly took the book out of her hands. "...thanks."

An nodded. "Oh and, one more thing." She said before making herself look as stern as she possibly could. "If you ever hurt Richan, you'll be sorry. So you better treat him right!"

Saga was a little dumbstruck by that, having expected some declaration of rivalry instead, so he only nodded.

Still, that was enough to satisfy An. "Good. Have a nice day, Senpai." She said before taking her leave.

Maybe this An girl wasn't too terrible...

Saga would still keep an eye on her, but he supposed she wasn't the conniving boyfriend stealing witch he suspected her of being.

He looked down at the book he was holding, deciding to get it along with a new horror novel release. Ritsu didn't seem like the type to like that kind of thing, but Saga had been proven wrong by Ritsu's extensive collection of horror books.

'He reads horror but not shoujo...make it make sense.' Saga shook his head at the thought, leaving the store after making his purchases. He stopped in a bakery, getting a small strawberry cake for the two of them to share before heading home to work on his last gift. He needed as much time as he could possibly get for that one.

Once Saturday came, Saga tried to hide how excited he was to celebrate with Ritsu. He felt like such an idiot being so happy over something like this. He hoped Ritsu was just as happy.

"You're sure this is where you wanna go for lunch? We can go anywhere you want, it'll be my treat." Saga said, the two of them entering Pandaway together.

"Y-You don't have to-"

"I want to." Saga interuppted, not letting Ritsu try to talk him out of here.

"I want to eat here." Ritsu assured him. "I like this place, it reminds me of our first d-date." He admitted before he looked at Saga nervously. "That...was a date, right?"

"What else would you call it?" Saga asked as the two of them got in line.

"I just wanted to make sure." Ritsu said, now embarrassed for asking.

Saga just hummed in response. Ritsu was always asking things like that, but Saga hoped he'd be able to quell these insecurities of his.

"Want me to order for you?" Saga asked.

"That's even more embarrassing than stumbling and stuttering over my order." Ritsu said. "Besides, I'm a little more prepared than I was the first time." He added, determined to redeem himself.

Saga held back a laugh and shrugged. "Alright, if you say so."

The two soon got to the front, Saga ordering first. Ritsu ordered afterward, only panicking one or two times when he hadn't heard the employee correctly, but he actually managed to get through the process without wanting to die. Saga paid for them both before Ritsu could even attempt to pay for himself.

The teens sat across from one another with their food, eating and talking casually.

"What did you end up doing with your parents for your birthday?" Saga asked before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Oh, it was actually really cool! My dad set up for me to meet the author Sumi Ryouichi. When I stopped completely panicking I got to talk to him about his books, including one that's in the works right now." Ritsu said with a bright smile. "After that we went to some fancy dinner, which was nice, but not really my thing." He added with a laugh.

"How the hell did your dad set that up?" Saga asked. He knew Ritsu's parents were wealthy, but what sort of connections did they have?

"My dad's company publishes Sumi Sensei's novels."

"Your dad's what?"

Ritsu frowned and furrowed his eyebrows a little bit. Had they not talked about this before? "My dad's company, Onodera Publishing."

"Onodera?"

"Yeah...like...my name?" Ritsu didn't understand what was confusing about this.

"Onodera...not Oda?"

Ritsu paled. No. Nonononono, this wasn't really happening! "Did I not ever properly introduce myself to you?" Ritsu squeaked out.

"No. I knew your name from the library cards. Are you telling me your name isn't Oda Ritsu?" Saga asked. Well, this was probably the most random and creative way to make Saga feel like the worst boyfriend ever. He hadn't even known Ritsu's actual name!

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Ritsu apologized quickly. "I-I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote down that name, I didn't want to seem like a stalker and write my real name, b-but now I realize that doesn't really make any sense." Ritsu put his face in his hands, wanting to hide forever.

"First a fiancée, now a fake name and you're suddenly an heir to a publishing company. You're not gonna tell me you're on the run from the cops next or anything like that, are you?"

"Of course not!" Ritsu hastily denied, not yet realizing that Saga was only teasing him. "I'm sorry, I swear I didn't hide this intentionally, I-"

"I know." Saga assured. He knew his boyfriend flip flopped between laser focused determination and totally scatterbrained, so he wasn't too mad about this. "But it would've been sort of funny if I still didn't know and found out after ten years or something." Saga said. That would've been quite a story.

"That would not be funny, that would be mortifying." Ritsu pouted.

Saga just chuckled and resisted the urge to reach over and ruffle his hair.

Once they finished eating and threw out their trash, Saga spoke up. "I was thinking we could go see the cherry blossom trees. If that's something you'd like."

Ritsu smiled. "I'd love to!" He said. "I love doing anything as long as it's with Senpai."

Saga held back the desire to frown. Why did Ritsu have to say cute things like that when he couldn't kiss him? He settled for reaching out and holding his hand.

"H-Hey!" Ritsu was quick to protest, but Saga held on.

"You can't just say something like that and not expect consequences." Saga said. "Come on, let's go." He walked, still holding Ritsu's hand.

Ritsu attempted to free himself a few more times, but to no avail, especially since him flailing his arm brought more attention than just the two of them holding hands.

Plus, not wanting to lose Ritsu among the other cherry blossom viewers was a good enough excuse to hold on to him. The crowd wasn't incredibly thick, but it was a pretty popular activity and it was a weekend as well, so there was a steady amount of visitors.

The flowers were in full bloom, painting the view a gentle shade of pink.

"I've never been cherry blossom viewing before." Saga admitted.

"Really?" Ritsu looked away from the flora, looking to his Senpai instead in surprise.

"Yeah. I'm glad I'm seeing them for the first time with you."

Ritsu turned as pinker than the petals around them. "W-Why do you always have to tease me?"

"I'm not teasing." Saga frowned a little. "I'm serious."

Ritsu looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes out of embarrassment. "Well...I-I'm glad you're with me too." He said softly, giving Saga's hand a slight squeeze.

Ba dump

Fuck, Saga didn't know if he'd ever be able to admit it out loud, but Ritsu was able to make his heart pound way too easily.

'I want to do this with him every year.' Saga thought. There was so much Saga wanted to do with Ritsu in general. He could only hope that he'd get the opportunity.

"Let's head back." Saga said after the two had been strolling together for a while. "I wanna kiss you and if I try to do that here you'll freak out."

Too late, Ritsu was already freaking out. "Y-Y-You can't just say something like that!"

Saga just shrugged. He was trying to be more open about his feelings, even if those feelings embarrassed the hell out of Ritsu.

"S-Seriously, it's like you're trying to kill me." Ritsu complained with a pout.

"Would love be such a bad way to die?"

Ack! The L word again!

"Yes!" Ritsu huffed.

Saga laughed.

Ritsu felt his entire body heat up. His Senpai...LAUGHED. He couldn't recall a time that he had heard his Senpai laugh before. He wanted to hear it more often, wanted to see him smile like that every day and be the reason for it.

"C-Come on, let's just go." Ritsu said quickly before he became overwhelmed with such thoughts.

Once they arrived back at the older teen's house, Saga took the opportunity to kiss Ritsu, just as he said he would.

"Sit. I'll get the cake and presents." Saga said after he pulled away.

Ritsu went to tell his Senpai that he shouldn't have gone through all that trouble, but he knew Saga would just insist that he had wanted to do this. So, instead Ritsu sat and said hello to Sorata, scratching under his chin. The cat curled up in his lap as Ritsu continued to give him attention.

Saga didn't take long, bringing the cake and presents into the living room. Sorata and Ritsu were definitely a cute sight together, making Saga smile a bit.

"Thank you so much for all this, Senpai." Ritsu said after they had cut the cake and he had opened his gifts. He was admittedly very exciting about his two new reads, even if that made him feel like a nerd. Plus, they were books that Senpai got for him, so that made them even more special.

"There's one more thing." Saga said. "It's in my room." He stood and left, heading up the stairs as Ritsu waited and distracted himself with keeping Sorata from eating the leftover cake.

Saga soon came back down, holding something behind his back. "So, I sort of stole your idea and I didn't have much time to get as good as you with the paper folding, but..." Saga brought a jar full of paper stars forward. They were pink like cherry blossom petals. He sat back down next to Ritsu as he spoke. "I noticed you still look so...shocked whenever I tell you I love you. Even now you're always saying stuff like 'we're dating right?' when I keep telling you how I feel. So, I thought that this might be a nice reminder. If you ever start doubting my feelings for you, you can read as many as it takes for you to stop doubting. This is real, Ritsu. What we have and what I feel for you is real and I don't want you to forget that." Saga said, handing the jar over. "These are only some of the reasons, though." He added, thinking there weren't nearly enough stars.

"Some?" Ritsu stared at the stars. This jar full was only some of the reasons Saga loved him? This couldn't be real.

"Well I couldn't fit all of them. I didn't have enough time." Saga said. "Because someone didn't tell me their birthday was coming up."

Ritsu just smiled. "Thank you." He said, excited to read all the little messages inside the stars, but he'd wait till he was alone so he didn't melt into a puddle right in front of Saga.

"Mm. Happy birthday. I love you."

"I love you too."

[lnarizakis]

i thought i’d never see the love of my life again, but here you are, right in front of me | b. meguru

pairing: bachira meguru x gen! reader

foreword: my first time writing for blue lock and for bachira!!! hopefully i did best boy (and my bf) some justice. i had so much fun writing this and i hope you guys have fun reading it hahaha. the request i was inspired by said that the reader was the one who moved away, but uh, i made it different. i still hope this is good for u!! and i hope you guys enjoy this!!

wc: 1.9k+

look out for: angst to fluff, spoilers pertaining to bachira’s backstory, post-blue lock storyline ((made-up ending, not spoilers!!))

━━━━━━━━━━☆

"You know, I never thought you were weird."

You extended out your hand, reaching out to the poor boy beat down to the ground. He looked up to you with sadness in his eyes and defeat in his inconstant breathing. He clasped onto your hand and you pulled him up from his misery. The two of you stood on the soccer field alone, and the sadness in his eyes were washed out with relief as he embraced you, crying into your shoulder.

When Bachira pulled away, you noticed the snot that ran down his nose was tinted red, mixed with blood, and you yelped in surprise, pushing him out of the soccer field with you. He laughed at your concern as the two of you made your way towards his household.

Holding his soft hand, you maneuvered around his home as you've been there several times, towards the bathroom where you were to take care of Bachira. You set him on the edge of the sink, directly in front of you, and brought out the first-aid kit stowed away in one of the cabinets of the bathroom.

Sighing, you thought to yourself, "I wish Meguru didn't have to go through all of this. I'm here for him, and I hope he knows that." You looked up at his innocent face, dabbing the wounds inflicted by his teammates with water, washing away the dried blood. He flinched when you began treating his wounds with alcohol, and to calm his nerves you placed a hand over one of his, tightly gripping the edge of the sink on which he sat. Bachira watched your face, intently focusing on tending to his wounds, and he could feel his heart racing, not from the adrenaline of the game the two of you just played, but from how you cared for him and how you were always there for him, despite all the names he'd been called for playing independently and strangely on the field.

Bachira Meguru wanted to say he was in love with you. Though he wanted to laugh at himself for being in love at only age ten, he knew that these feelings that he had for you were real. The monster in his heart whispered in his ear, telling him so. He knew that you, too, had a monster within yourself, caring for him like the gentle spirit it was. While Meguru's own was wild and reckless, consuming his whole being, yours was there to pull him up before he sank deep into madness. He wanted to say he was in love with you because he knew you felt the same.

"Good game out there," Bachira said instead, breaking the comfortable silence. The hand on his own moved up to pinch his mouth shut, not letting him speak anymore.

"Don't talk, Meguru. Some of the dirt on your cheeks might get into your wounds." He hummed, agreeing to your command.

"You're pretty skilled at your age, (Y/N)-chan. Are you gonna be a nurse when you grow up?" Bachira asked, irking you as he agreed not to speak just seconds ago. You were a passionate lover, and it got on your nerves that Bachira didn't follow what you just advised, creating the chance that he might infect his own wounds.

"Meguru, please."

He gave a single, short nod.

When you finished, Bachira hopped off of the sink and gave you another hug, wrapping his arms around you to the point where it felt like he could touch his own shoulders. Letting go, he thanked you, and as you acknowledged his gratitude, you made your way towards the front door, leaving.

That's how it always had been: you would play soccer with Bachira and his teammates almost every day, no matter the weather or the time, and typically by the end of the game he was beaten up by whoever because of his playing style. You thought it was cool—impressive, even—but apparently his teammates didn't think so. After everyone had left, you'd lift him up from wallowing in the grass with his tears and the monster in his heart to accompany him and bring him home (sometimes on your back) to tend to the injuries he'd gotten. It was a painful routine for you to follow, but it was all you had to do to stay by Bachira's side. After all, you loved him with everything you had.

Seven years later, you were there when Bachira opened up a letter inviting him to attend a training camp called "Blue Lock." Thinking it was a mere training camp to better his skills in soccer, you thought it was something that would last a week, or probably even two, but you didn't realize that the last words he would tell you for several years were "Make sure you've got something warm for me when I come back!"

It was the first time since forever when the two of you went separate paths, and even as you continued on in high school and into university, Meguru never left your mind. You wondered if he still remembered you, as soccer would be the only thing running through his own mind at an intense training camp like Blue Lock. You have heard of boys dropping out of the camp every few weeks ever since Bachira left, and though you didn't want to admit it, you wished that he would come home to you, holding him in your arms as he cried to you about his ruined dreams. It was an unpleasant thought that sat in the back of your mind, taunting you about your selfishness. It was ironic that despite how generous you were with caring for Bachira, you were completely selfish with keeping him to yourself. Perhaps that was the effect love had on you, though you weren't so sure if he was still in love with you, too.

He was. He knew he was, and always will be in love with you as much as he was in love with soccer. He missed you everyday he was in stuck in Blue Lock, and he would constantly tell the friends he made about his love. One night, Isagi Yoichi asked him as they laid in bed about who you were, and the former might as well have called Bachira's description of you his bedtime story because he rambled on for hours on end about you. The lilting tone in Bachira's voice was reason enough for Isagi to know how much you meant to the boy.

There was a knock on the door, several years since Bachira left for Blue Lock, and you let go of the book in which you were studying for medical school to open the door. In front of you was Bachira Meguru, weary and tired. Right away he fell into your arms, and his whole weight dropped on top of you. You wrapped your arms around his torso, and he exhaled deeply. From over his shirt you could feel his toned muscles that he grew from undergoing the extensive physical training.

Bachira pulled away from you, and upon seeing your face, he smiled just as he did when the two of you were children. "It's nice seeing you again, (Y/N)-chan. I missed you." He pinched your cheek with his calloused fingers, to which you whined. He laughed heartily at the exchange, and held your hand as he dragged you out of the house.

"Meguru! I was studying!" The two of you talked as if he never left.

"You can do that later! Let's go out!" He exclaimed, pulling you to his side.

Flustered at his words, you stuttered out what seemed like a question. Bachira simply laughed at your response. He took you towards the nearby beach of Chiba, and as soon as your feet touched the sand he collapsed onto the soft surface, beckoning you to do the same. An uneasy silence, unfamiliar to how it was in the past, rested over you two as you watched the calm waters in front of you.

"So, how was Blue Lock?" You asked, hoping to get some answer of the mysterious program. You had so much to ask him and to tell him after all these years. You turned your gaze to Meguru who still stayed watching the quiet waves.

"They didn't want me. I was playing against real monsters, (Y/N)-chan. More than the monster in me. In you." Bachira turned towards you and poked your chest. The both of you chuckled a bit. He sighed, then fell onto the sand, lying down. You did the same, and you were both looking up at the afternoon sky. "I don't know, (Y/N). I went to Blue Lock to find someone who could play with me, and don't get me wrong, I found people, but..." He paused.

"I also went to improve and get better. Like everyone else there. And I guess I just wasn't enough."

Frowning, you felt a pang in your heart and the initiative to reach out to him again.

"Don't say that, Meguru. You're amazing at soccer. You're always impressing everyone on the field, making everyone seem like a fool."

Bachira turned to face you, and you to him. "You really think so?"

"Of course. You're an amazing person, Meguru,” you told him with absolute certainty in your voice.

“I love you, (Y/N)-chan.”

“I love you too.” A pause. “Wait, what?” You sat up in the sand to look at Bachira, who lay beside you, smiling giddily up at you with a slight blush painting his cheeks. His hands were rested behind his head.

“I said I love you. And you love me, too.”

“I also missed you,” you added. Bachira noted how you never denied your loving him.

“I missed you, too. Did you know I never stopped talking about you one night that everyone on my team kicked me out of our room and I had to sleep in the bathroom that night?”

You laughed. “Did you really?”

“Yes! And it was so cold in there, too. No one gave me any blankets or anything!” The both of you laughed as you extended a hand to reach out to Bachira, helping him sit up on the sand. He never let go of your hand, and instead he clasped his fingers between yours. You both watched the intimacy of his actions, and you were slightly afraid he could feel the sudden warming of your hand.

Looking into his golden eyes, you could sense a seriousness about him. “You know, I wasn’t kidding about what I said,” he told you.

You had a feeling you knew what he was talking about, but you wanted to confirm it. “What did you say?”

“That I love you,” Bachira said.

“And I love you too,” you replied, pushing him down with you on top. Laughter rang in the air as you cupped his cheeks, shaking with his giggling.

“Shh, Meguru,” you said, leaning down. You gave him a soft kiss on his lips. Pulling away, he looked at you like you were his everything, as he placed a hand behind your neck to bring you down for another kiss. Whispers from others on the beach floated around you, some laughing at how ridiculous the two of you looked. Meguru opened his eyes to look in their direction, his insecurities from back when he was younger awakening.

“Meguru, don’t pay attention to ‘em. Who cares if they think we look weird? I’ve told you this before, but I don’t think you’re weird. I don’t think we’re weird!”

“Pssh, when did you tell me that?” He asked, before you leaned in to kiss him again.

[cloudykaii]

loophole

pairing: demon!san x human!reader

summary:  Hiiii 🥺 I was wondering if you could do an enemy to lover au thing with San from Ateez 👉👈 but he’s a demon and Y/N is human and everyone in Ateez is human as well. 🥺 thank you 💛 also keep up the amazing work, you are amazing!

warnings: mentions of minor injuries, demons, stealing of souls, flames,

this is by far one of my favorite things to have written

It was always the same time. Every Wednesday, at a quarter till midnight, San could count on you summoning him in that dark alley. It never failed, no matter what he was doing. He had shown up countless times with something in his hands that made it obvious that you had interrupted his daily schedule. Honestly, though, you felt that by now he shouldn’t act like he had this time free anymore. He should be used to it after weeks of summoning him. 

Although, to be fair, you never actually summoned San. You just always summoned in the same alley, surrounded by abandoned buildings with not a person in sight. It was the safest place to do, and since the demonic system worked by reaching whichever demon was closest to you, how was it your fault that San just so happened to be the person who was closest every time?

It’s not like you would choose someone as mean and unnecessarily blunt as San if you had the choice. He was terribly mean to you, irked by that fact that you never actually gave him what you wanted. He hated that in every single deal you made, you managed to get out of him stealing your soul and still get what the deal was made. 

You grinned at him, eyes looking him over. “Nice pants.”

San stared back at you, unimpressed. He stood a few feet away from you, clad in a plain grey tee, and blue pajama pants with little yellow ducks printed on them. The bowl of fruit loops in his left hands served the perfect domestic look as he half-glared at you. “Why are you here this week? Do you not already have everything you want?” He snapped his fingers and his bowl of cereal disappeared. “How much more selfish can you get?”

Your smile stayed as bright as it had been before as you looked back at him, undeterred by his snark. “So today wasn’t a good day?”

“It was before I saw you,” he deadpanned. “What do you want now, Y/N?”

Your smile faltered just the slightest, but if San saw it he didn’t say anything at all. You dusted your hands off on your jeans, straightening your back. “I need to find a little girl. She took something from me.”

He snorted. “You want to get payback on a child. I’m supposed to be the demon here.”

You rolled your eyes, smile turning tight. “Just tell me the terms of the deal, and do your part.” You fished a photograph out of your pocket and handed it to him. See, this was the thing about you that irritated San. Everyone else asked for material things, usually money. You asked for strange things. FInding a child, a winter coat that won’t grow too small, a thermos that never grew cold. He had never been particularly bothered, but they got more drastic each time. It just seemed like you were trying to one up everyone at this point, like you were in a standoff battle with someone to see who could have the best stuff. But finding a child… that was different. 

He stared down at the photo in his hands for a moment. The child couldn’t have been older than twelve, with dark hair and a smile on her face. Based on the pose, San figured it might have been a school photo. “I’ll bring her to you, and in exchange-”

“And in exchange you get my soul, yadda yadda. You need to make the statement with more flare. You’re so dramatic anyway, I’m sure you could-”

“You want this kid or not?” He asked, tonelessly. You rolled your eyes. “Let’s go over the terms with me. If you bring her to me… I give you my human soul.”

See, this is what San hated about you. You said things so fluently, that it was easy for San to look too far into it and question what you were agreeing to. His fiery eyes searched your face for any sign of a lie, before thinking over the words. He brought you the child, you gave him your soul. Could this finally be the time he got to take your soul? Or would it be another long night of formally explaining how he got duped again? His eyes narrowed at you suspiciously, but you were already pulling out another match and lighting it. “Do we have a deal?”

He stared at you for a moment longer before leaning forward and taking the match from you. The matchstick fell to the ground as San made the flame its own object. He held out his hand in front of him, the flickering flame dancing around his palm. You immediately moved to clasp your hand in his, the flame making your hands grow briefly before going out, sealing the deal. He stepped back as fast as possible, shaking his hand like he had to get the feel of your hand off of him. 

You rolled your eyes at that, crossing your arms leaning against the brick. He stood in the middle of the alley. He shut his eyes, only to open them again, eyes now purely black. You didn’t even blink. San never scared you, maybe it was because he had rolled up in duckie pants, but you had never been scared of him. Maybe it was because you summoned him, why be scared of who you invite over right? Then again, it could just be because you had nothing to lose. 

You were unimpressed when his eyes flashed red at you, before returning back to his normal state of false humanity. He slowly turned his head to you. “She’s in a warehouse two blocks away. It’s abandoned, but it seems like there’s someone there with her.”

Your heart started racing at that. They had her in a warehouse… how original. San watched our reaction closely. You said you needed to get something back from this child, yet the worried way you bit your lip, and your hands tightening around the straps of your bag had him thinking there was something you weren’t telling him. You snapped out of whatever trance you seemed to be in, before looking at him with your usual sly smile. “Well, I should be on my way then.”

He held out a hand to stop you. “Where are you going? I still need to-”

“You’re not getting my soul today,” you grinned, happily. “I have places to be, so if you wouldn’t mind sliding out of the way, that would be great.”

“Why exactly do you think you get to not live up to your end of the contract this time?”

You rolled your eyes at his annoyed tone, as if you were wondering how you had more brain cells than the demon whose entire existence revolved around contracts just like the one he just forged with you. “Sannie,” you hummed. “We agreed that you get my soul, if you brought that little girl to me,” you spoke slowly. “And you didn’t. You told me where she was.” 

You let out a soft little chuckle. “Honestly, you of all people should know specific demonic agreements are.”

He hated the way your eyes sparkled, as if this had been your plan the whole time. Honestly, he would have believed you if you had said you had been. He had made countless deals with you, but somehow you always managed to get out of giving him your soul. It infuriated him, but this time he was more mad at the fact that he had thought he would succeed this time. He had never before, he should have been more careful. He watched you walk off, only to break into a run as you ducked around the corner. 

He knew you weren’t actually scared of him chasing you, because he never had before. He always just fumed angrily behind you, blasted some fire at the bricks, and went on about his business. But this time something felt different. He couldn’t explain what it was, maybe it was the request itself that was so bizarre, or how you honestly expected him to believe that someone like you wanted revenge on a child. Normally he wouldn’t even be intrigued by the trivial everyday matters of the average human, but there was something in his body telling him to run after you.

So he did. 

If he wasn’t supernatural, he might not have been able to keep up with you. He wasn’t sure what had happened in your life to have you so used to running, but he was sure you weren’t running like a track star. No, you were running like you were used to it; fast, reckless, and determined. 

He managed to follow you to the warehouse, but he never expected for you to just run inside. “Reckless human..” he muttered. Was getting whatever this little kid stole from you that important? She was small from the picture he had seen, what could she have possibly taken? A piece of food? A necklace? Were your belongings really more important to you than a child? He found him scoffing at the notion, reminding himself that sometimes mortals were more demonic than demons themselves.  

He turned to leave, to let you handle whatever you thought needed to be done and just not involve himself any further when he heard a loud, booming masculine voice. “What are you doing here?”

San’s eyes trailed the corner in the deep left, where a man stood, arms crossed, glaring down at you who just smiled up at him. “Hi!” you gave a tiny little wave, grinning. “It seems you mistakenly took my friend’s daughter from her home. I’m here to take her back.”

The man turned to look at the kid, as if he needed to confirm that he did not, in fact, grab the wrong child. He turned back to glare at you, sizing you up. “You think you are leaving here with her?”

You smiled at that, looking at the girl. “You’ll be home soon, okay? Everything’s alright.”

San assumed at this point that you didn’t actually need to get anything from anyone, you were just trying to save an innocent child from a kidnapper. He sat back, hidden in his own little corner in the darkness. He had no intentions to actually help, that's not what he was here for. 

“Don’t talk to her,” he snapped at you, going to shove you but you reacted quickly, grabbing his wrist and hooking your ankle behind his and tugging. He hit the ground with a loud thud, and you called out to the child for her to run. You must have gotten lucky, because he didn’t get back up. You didn’t get any closer to check and see if he was unconscious or what. You just bolted out there, making San chuckle. Maybe you weren’t what he thought you were. For some reason, that relieved him.

[souuuuuuu]

I am going to say this once, just once so you would know.

You’ve abandoned me.

And for me there is no going back from this. This realization. There is no way for us to be back to whatever the hell we were from this. Because you left me. You left me when I clearly told you not once, not twice but three times, that I was contemplating killing myself. Did you think that I was bluffing? Because jokes on you, I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.

I hope you can live with that. I truly do. The idea that I may have succeeded and I may have died, and you wouldn’t know for weeks because you don’t care enough. And please, don’t tell me you do care, these are fucking words, you do so much for other people and don’t think I don’t see it, I see it and for years I’ve told myself, that’s okay, people don’t have to love you the same way you do.

But I’ve almost killed myself -I don’t know how worse it could get for you to just fucking care- because I’ve felt so lonely and so abandoned by people who call themselves my friends. I feel so angry; so sad. I am telling you this because it is not that you deserve to know, for me you are a stranger now, a stranger that I know some facts about. I am not sorry that I am cutting you off, and you can try and blame me for many things but I won’t feel any kind of guilt about this. You won’t be able to guilt trip me into thinking I was less of a friend to you, because you know I was there for you in so many instances, but at the end you’ve abandoned me.

I truly hope again that you can live with this, the thought that you’ve lost someone who loved you unconditionally but I deserve better, I deserve someone who is there for me. And you may tell me I had was going through a rough time, but I'd tell you that the people who were there for me were people who were clinically diagnosed with severe depression. I never asked them to call me or text me everyday because frankly I wouldn’t have replied, but they were people who offered a safe space, a safe haven, they texted me asking small questions, they told me all the right words.

I could’ve forgiven you if you’ve ever shown me that you’ve known that you’ve hurt me, but it irked me that you never knew, but this is my fault. I gave you this. I made you so entitled to my forgiveness that when you’ve truly broken my heart, you’ve thought that this is another mere inconvenience, that I'd forgive you just like anytime.

So yeah. Bye.

[sooave]

The Problem With Wanting: 1

It’s 2026, and an old celebrity crush comes to haunt your old and cynical heart. You’re doing great at pretending you were never obsessed with him, and finding things about him that you don’t like. Until you’re repeatedly forced to work with him. Until he decides that he’s in love with you.

Genre: I really don’t know what to call this, but it’s not an AU, Kyungsoo’s older and still a celebrity, and it’s friends-to-lovers.

Characters: Kyungsoo x Reader 

Length: 2,314 words

Tags: Angst, Slow Burn 

Part 1 | Part 2

The problem with wanting, was that the human brain’s pathways are more easily activated for desire, rather than liking. In other words, humans naturally want things more than they actually like them. Obviously, you didn’t fault anyone for that. You knew that humans are all victims of the mechanisms of their biological systems.

Just like how you never blamed your own body for being frustratingly uncooperative when it was exactly a week before your period.

Just like how you didn’t fault Do Kyungsoo at all for confessing to you, and asking you to be his girlfriend. You knew that he just wanted you. Now if he actually had you, he’d certainly be disappointed. No, his brain would be disappointed.

Being single at age 30 was surprisingly easy for you, considering the fact that it practically made you a spinster in Asian society. Your parents’ one saving grace was that they immigrating to North America, and brought you in tow. When you returned to Korea as a full-fledged adult with a string of ex-boyfriends and old jobs behind you, it was increasingly apparent to you that Korean society was at times lovely, but hugely flawed.

Back home, the Korean aunties that your mother would bring home no longer gave a shit about the fact that you were, God forbid, an artist. And an unmarried and childless one to boot. Their own children had put them through a fair share of self-perceived grievances already, and while most of them were still conservative at heart, they knew that they lived in a society where their values weren’t necessarily correct. You knew that they didn’t all understand that their values were straight up incorrect. But at least you didn’t get harassed about your life choices.

Coming back to build a career in your birth country had you encountering situations that made you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time.

“You’re self-employed? How are you ever going to find yourself a husband?” You’d tell them that being your own boss in fact made your schedule much more flexible. And that you fill up the time with pursuits that actually improved your life, like cooking and yoga. Not shitty dates with people you couldn’t connect with.

Of course, the nosy aunties would continue heavily implying that your life’s purpose was to find a good husband, carry your bloodline, and take care of the home.

“Thirty?? You should have had two kids by now?” You would politely inform them that you weren’t interested in having children, and if you did, you’d adopt an orphan in need instead.

“There won’t be any good men left at this point! You’re in trouble now.” This one, you couldn’t really argue with. You were a firm believer that if someone was single for an extended period of time, there was a reason.

Most of the time, they were a shitty person. Other reasons? Nursing a heartbreak. Pining after someone unattainable. Obsessed with their career. Etcetera.

And you?

You didn’t have your priorities straight. But after a countless number of bad dates, bad relationship, mediocre relationships, and some okay ones, you kind of had an idea of what you didn’t want in a boyfriend. You were doing just peachy by yourself, for now at least.

Sure, maybe you’d want to find a life partner eventually. That would come naturally. You were also a firm believer in the fact that the best matches are found organically.

But surprisingly to you, one of the blind dates that you’d begrudgingly gone on 3 years ago was actually bearing some fruitful benefits. Your date was an assistant PD at one of the largest entertainment companies in Seoul. He was a decent guy, but was insistent about being the sole provider for his future wife. That obviously didn’t check out with you.

Luckily, he didn’t hold a grudge against you for cutting your third dinner date short once you learned of that particular value, and even suggested you as an artist for several show segments. Today, your expertise was blackboard art. Other days, it was digital painting, or watercolours. But they all focused on food illustrations.

Seung-woo, your ex-date, had a particularly annoying habit of talking your ear off while you were working. For some reason, he assumed that the several hours you spent slaving away with your arm raised over the chalk board was the perfect time to catch up with you and ramble on about his love life.

“And then, she started ordering the spicy chicken even though I had explicitly mentioned that I had an upset stomach! Really. The nerve of her.”

“Oh…” you hummed disinterestedly as you filled in the grey base colour of the fish that you were drawing for the background of this board. Apparently, some professional chef along with a celebrity guest were going to be in the kitchen today filming an episode on ways to cooking methods for fish in Korean cuisine. This particular series was something you’d seen before while you were living in the U.S., and while you felt that Korea was a bit slow on the uptake, at least they were doing something interesting with it. You didn’t get to see a lot of Korean traditional cooking methods on American-owned YouTube channels.

“So… we’re going on a second date tonight. What should I say?”

If you were in America, you would have already told Seung-Woo off for disrupting your work and being a total wuss. But this was Korea, and you couldn’t really afford to offend the very person who got you this job contract. Plus, gossip travelled like wildfire, and soon you’d be labelled as difficult to work with and saying bye-bye to your steady income.

You had to take a deep breath and set down your chalk, in fear of snapping it in annoyance.

“Did that tell you something?”

Seung-woo set down the kitchen prop that he was playing around with onto the counter.

“Tell me what?” He echoed.

“Did her action of ordering the spicy chicken tell you that she had an undesirable trait that you cannot accept from a partner?” Your tone was bordering on one that a disapproving teacher would take when reprimanding a student, but luckily Seung-woo didn’t catch that.

He wasn’t as taken aback by your mannerisms as he used to be, but ever since you explained that you spent all of your formative years abroad, he was able to rationalize all of your non-conservative behaviours.

Instead, he actually thought of your advice and comments as thoughtful and interesting. You always refrained from mentioning that your perspective came from years of counselling and therapy, in fear that he’d label you as psychotic. Seung-woo had no idea what mental health was.

After a round of hums and haws, he finally responds.

“You’re right, it did. Are you trying to say I shouldn’t go on the date tonight?”

“Hey, I just asked a question. You came to that conclusion your self!” You turn around and throw a dirty rag that you’ve been using into his chest.

That finally got him to leave you alone, after whining about your aggressiveness and how unladylike you were. Luckily, you still had plenty of time to finish the piece, and once the annoyance hindering your progress was gone, the flow started to come naturally to you.

Time began to fly by as it usually did when you were absorbed with your artwork. Before you knew it, it was already time for the segment filming to start. It wasn’t everyday that you timed your work perfectly, but today you hit the deadline exactly.

You knew that the filming was about to begin because of the camera lights had began to turn on, and a buzz of conversation had started to grow in the centre of the room. Sometimes it irked you that you were working right in front of a dozen cameras and microphones, but it was comforting to know that they had absolutely zero interest in filming you.

Seung-woo had unfortunately appeared again, appearing behind you like a golden retriever wagging it’s tail. You were packing up boxes chalk into your carrying case, attempting to ignore him as much as possible, but something he said caught your attention.

“Wait. What? Who?” You had absolutely no idea what he had said, except for the fact that a horribly familiar name fell from his lips.

“Do Kyungsoo. You don’t know of him?”

“No, I do…” Too well, in fact.

“Well, he’s here right now. I could get you an autograph if you wanted too. Just ask your oppa nicely!” He shot you a shit-eating grin and you almost want to strangle him amidst the absolute panic you were experiencing.

You weren’t experiencing a real panic attack, thankfully. But the way your hands were shaking as you placed each piece of chalk back into it’s designated slotted groove gave away that you were one-hundred-percent losing your mind. As your heart raced in your chest, you did a mental checklist of the facts that faced you right now.

You were, or you used to be, absolutely obsessed with Do Kyungsoo as a celebrity. This was back in your late teens, when you were a freshman at college.

You had not thought about him, or even looked up his name, in almost 5 years. Real life got in the way. And your cynicism.

And he was right here.

In this very room.

Suddenly, your brain was kicked into hyper-awareness mode, and it was almost impossible to resist the urge to finger comb your hair and smooth out your clothes. Fuck. You weren’t even wearing a cute outfit. Today had been a boyfriend jeans and black t-shirt day for you.

Seung-woo was still standing in front of you, looking at you expectantly, and you reminded yourself that you had to actually respond.

“Er… no. I’m good, Seung-woo,” you rolled your eyes at him, “What makes you think that I’d want an autograph? You do remember that I’m an old hag right?”

He noticed that you were having difficulty stuffing your chalk boxes back into your bag, and leans down to help you.

“Who said that you can’t have celebrity crushes at age 30? I wouldn’t shame you for that. Plus, you’re still single…” Seung-woo waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh my lord,” You mutter in English to yourself, before switching to Korean.

“Idols are for the young or the delusional. Plus, they’re just regular ol’ people just like me. You take anyone with a bit of talent and a decent face and I’m sure they could pass as an idol.” This is a mantra you’ve repeated to yourself almost a million times, and it rolls off your tongue.

“God, you’re always so cynical…ah!” Seung-woo stands up to greet someone and leaves you struggling with your bag on the floor.

“No, I’m just old,” you said to yourself as you right yourself.

And then you come face to face with a profile that you’ve started at on your phone screen, your computer monitor, and even billboards, umpteenth times. It’s closer now, way closer. You saw the slight smile lines on his cheeks, and the unevenness of his skin that hasn’t been photoshopped out. But his strong eyebrows and heart-shaped smile were the same. And his eyes.

Kyungsoo was shaking hands with Seung-woo and another PD, but his eyes flickered to you briefly as you got to your feet. And then they’re gone. Like they didn’t see you at all.

You took a deep breath and reminded yourself that he’s just another person. He probably leaves his phone ringer on. That’s something that annoys you. Annoyance. It’s your weapon against anything you’re scared of. But it’s also grounding you in this insane moment.

Reminder, you’re staff. He’s the star of the show.

“Ah! This is our chalk artist, she made the board behind us,” Seung-woo declared proudly and grabbed your arm to pull you back, just as you were preparing to sneak away from the awkward circle of personnel. You’ve never cursed so strongly in your own mind before, and a string of fuckshitfuckshitfuck was still going through your mind as you gave a tight smile and bowed. All while avoiding eye contact.

You saw Kyungsoo and a few others glance at your work and you couldn’t help but cringe. God help you, you had confidence in your work, but were you completely unprepared for your teenage/young adult celebrity crush to judge you. They politely express amazement at the board, and you robotically thank them.

Seung-woo continued to discuss some detail about the segment and you took the opportunity to duck away and escape with your bag, not even taking a second look back. You were tempted of course, as you left through the studio doors. You could even stay to watch the entire filming, and no one would object. They knew who you were.

But there was no way you would be able to not fall back into your stupid crush that you still had, if you were able to just stand and watch him cook for an hour and a half. You were too old for this.

You gritted your teeth as you got in your car, placed your duffel on the passenger seat, and buckled your seatbelt.

Today, you would be an adult and do the right thing.

Tomorrow, you’d give dating apps another go.

But right now, you imagined another universe, where he was a regular person, and so were you. Then, you could allow yourself to fall in love. You closed your eyes and leaned your head onto the cold glass of the window and allowed yourself to fantasize.

A/N: I’m totally throwing this into the void and doing this for myself but part two is coming.

[letaintedserpentine]

ZADR WEEK: Awkward Beginnings

“Irkens do not take… partnerships lightly, Dib-stink.” “A witness.” Gaz repeated, although devoid of emotion. “You’re asking me to witness in your alien wedding.”

i took the prompt awkwardness and turned it into some sort of marriage au because why not. yo guys i took self-indulgent to the max! WARNINGS FOR MEGA FLUFF!!!! thanks to @poor-ciceros-voring-again for hosting, much love :D full fic below: or in AO3

Fatal Attraction

--------

‘We no longer need any of your incessant reports, Zim. Now be a good Irken and face your exile with dignity.’

The words flashed on the monitor, stark and unyielding, whenever he tried to communicate with the Massive.

It had been for several Earth years, and some point, he’d stopped bothering.

It was clear that the armada no longer needed him.

No need for Zim to bring Earth to its knees and to the glory of Irk.

There was barely any more reason to keep fighting, and yet-

He wouldn’t give up his rivalry with Dib for anything.

So he fought.

Concocted little schemes. When they were once that aimed to take control of the planet, they shifted- aiming to keep Dib’s attention on him, petty pranks just to get the human cursing at him, to once again try to get their blood pumping, adrenaline pushing at them to bring the other down.

When their fights began to turn to more sparring than maiming, and banter began to feel more playful than hurtful, it should’ve been unsurprising for Dib to ask, “Are we even still… enemies?”

And yet Zim still found himself reeling, never once had asked it to himself. But that couldn’t be right.

If they weren’t enemies anymore, what were they?

Zim feared not only the answer, but the potential end to their charade- Dib has been his rival for so long that he couldn’t imagine being without him anymore.

Maybe sensing his reluctance to answer, Dib had been quick to follow his inquiry. “Do you think you could ever just trust me, Zim?”

Zim physically recoiled. Irkens do not trust, not when it was a show of weakness. “You speak of incompetence, Dib-thing.”

Dib gave him a look that he didn’t understand, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it. “You haven’t been an enemy for a long time, Zim. Do you think you can see me as more than that? Something else?”

Zim lightly clutched the ends of his uniform, suddenly hating how he never stopped using it. His voice came up too quiet. “Like what?”

“Maybe someone you think you’d like to see everyday, someone you could depend on, in certain circumstances?”

Zim blinked, and perked up. That was more like loyalty, wasn’t it? Irkens understood that.

“Partners?” Zim tried out the word on his tongue. An old Irken legend sprung to mind, although… that couldn’t be what Dib was asking. He turned to Dib with almost a sneer in his eyes. “Irkens do not take… partnerships lightly, Dib-stink.”

Dib ignored the small pang in his chest that reminded him that they hadn’t had a real argument in a long time. “How different could it be?” He tossed his hand. “Enlighten me.”

The concept itself thrilled Zim. Allegiance to anyone other than the Tallests were once considered an insult, and now, something far worse.

“We value loyalty above all else.”

He wasn’t ashamed to still have Irk as a part of him.

It was who Zim was. “We have a ceremony for it, for you would be swearing to put my life before yours.” He faced Dib as he said this, watching any trace of rejection. “And I will do the same.”

Zim straightened, and his eyes shone brilliantly. “We would serve anyone as second only, never first.” Which was why one of the old Tallest had banned it, criminalizing the act as a betrayal to the empire. And Zim, who had no longer had any love for the empire, was more than appealed to it.

But it still stood that Dib wouldn’t be one to understand the significance of it.

Dib had been quiet all through it all. After it was clear that Zim wasn’t to expound further, Dib asked, “Do you think it could be like that with us?”

Zim raised an eyelid, then gave no response- keeping his thoughts to himself.

It was only after an ironic turn of events- where Zim had to team up with Dib to drive off an aspiring alien invader- Earth was Zim’s planet, after all, that Zim thought to raise up the question once again.

The battle, the confrontations, even the minuscule threat of their mutual enemy, all faded out of Zim’s mind as he stared at Dib.

Dib stood there in all his glory, basking in their victory, the rays of the rescinding sun all but made his eyes a shade of gold. Tall and dependable, Zim could hardly explain his sudden appreciation, the taste of the win sweeter when shared between them, and how all their experience blended in his mind until he began to hope for a future of more of this, more of them-

Zim began to think that maybe a partnership with Dib wasn’t the worst idea.

“You’re considering it?” Dib said, skeptical to the very end, even when happiness glowed around him like a furnace.

“No,” Zim said. “I’ve already decided. The answer is yes, Dib.” And while feigning impassiveness, Zim felt like he choked on his own tongue, his chest warming all the same as Dib gave him one of those grins- the ones that said, we’ve won.

Dib cleared his throat, suppressing any more eagerness, “How do we do this?”

“A witness.” Gaz repeated, although devoid of emotion. “You’re asking me to witness in your alien wedding.”

“Partnership,” Dib emphasized, for what seemed like the third time. His ears brightened in the tell-tale signs of a blush, although he would never admit how Gaz’s words muddled up some suppressed emotions in him. “It just means that as an Irken he would be allowing himself to maybe sorta trust me, even he would tell me not to use those words exactly. Depend on me, instead of just him.”

“Uh huh,” Gaz tapped her nails on her handheld console. “And if this means you could never trust and depend on anyone else?”

Dib frowned. “I don’t think that’s what it means?” He bit the inside of his cheek for a moment. “I don’t think there’s anything that would make him give up Gir, so that’s not an issue. I think it’s more of… allowing himself to allow me to become a part of his life, officially. To be at his side.”

“In sickness and health?”

“Ha, ha. Laugh it up.” Dib grumbled.

“Who says I’m joking?” She turned over the facts in her head, crossing her arms. “This just seems… fishy. Dib, even if there’s no trick here, do you think you’re prepared for it? It seems awfully… intimate.” Her normally stilted voice had a hint of concern there.

Dib forced a cough. “Gaz, it’s just-”

“Deny anything again and I will break your toes.”

Dib shut up.

“How?” She asked.

“What?”

She looked at him as if he was being deliberately dense. “How did you guys went from fighting to doing your lame partnership?”

Dib knew that despite her tough exterior, she was genuinely curious. “He… understands me in the level that other people can’t.”

She hummed, gesturing at him to proceed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever connected to anyone else. And I just wanted for him to know that, alright? He’s the one that suggested the Irken thing. I just thought… if that’s what it took to have Zim… really, truly, at my side… No hesitation there. I’ll do it.” He proclaimed, his confidence pushing through the small wobble of his voice in the middle.

“Maybe I could lead him to a different path, or we could take off Earth together.” He couldn’t help but fantasize, a tad star-struck at the many possibilities. “We could be good together.”

“And that’s all you want.” Gaz noted. “Companionship. That’s all. ” Dib could hear the question there. “You’ll go into this binding thing and make Zim think you guys are now fully destined to only be partners.”

Dib sighed, as his resolve began to blur. “Gaz, I only asked if you would-”

She cut him off with a glare. “I’m not going to stop you or tell you it’s a horrible idea. But this is a big deal for him too, right? You two should suck it up, talk it out, and go into it with all the same intentions.”

Dib’s tongue felt dry in his mouth. “He’d been pretty clear what he wanted.”

“Have you?”

Dib did not reply.

“Think about everything he told you about this binding thing, Dib. Then decide.” She pressed open on her console, no longer looking at him. “Then I’ll tell you if I’ll bear witness, or something.”

An unfamiliar soundtrack began to play as Gaz turned her back to him, but Dib had his mind already considering her tip.

The summer air was warm in their faces, with the rays of the setting sun giving the meadow a golden glow. Fireflies skittered all around them, aiming to outdo the stars once they show.

Dib kept fidgeting in his suit.

Gaz wasn’t blind. “You got me dressed up for this, you better not have second thoughts,” she mumbled, her own way of reassurance.

Her normally spiked hair was smoothed out, looking a bit softer, but not in the least hiding her intensity. Dib had no doubt she would not be opposed to throwing down a gauntlet when provoked, even when wearing a dress.

Dib shook his head at her concern, but she needn’t have worried.

The second that he saw Zim approach them, he knew he couldn’t turn back- not now, not ever.

A floor length dress replaced Zim’s usual uniform, with a gradient of his usual red darkening to black at the bottom. Black flowing sleeves gave Zim a sense of fragility, his arms foregoing the gloves entirely.

When those pink beady eyes landed on his, Dib couldn’t look away, his breath almost leaving him.

Zim looked flustered, a picture of hope in his eyes, tinged with some hesitance as if he couldn’t believe what was happening.

For a while, they were quite content to just watch each other, as if nothing else mattered but the two of them- until Gaz faked a cough.

Zim blinked, and he turned away. “Gaz,” he greeted her, “Would you be the witness to our union?”

“Why else would I be here?”

“Formality,” Zim replied, just as Dib mildly jabbed her sister at the side.

She shot him a glare. “Yeah, sure, I’m witnessing.”

“Excellent!” Zim shouted in his usual bravado, although with the undertone of nerves. The two focused on the alien again.

“Dib-human.” Zim began without any malice, “I have seen you at your lowest. I have triumphed against you and with you, and I concede you are taller in height. Will you accept me?”

“I take you as mine.” Dib replied, almost fumbling at his cue. He knew the words but… it felt different, when it was finally time for him to hear it.

It was his turn, now. “Zim,” Dib began, reciting the words by memory if not by heart, “I have seen you at your lowest. I have triumphed with you and against you, and I recognize that you are beneath my height.” The last part felt unnecessary to him but clearly meant something to Zim, since the Irken all but straightened up, fully accepting himself even if society deems him worth not. “Will you accept me?”

“I take you as mine.” Zim replied.

If Dib were asked at that moment if magic existed, he would’ve said yes. No investigations needed. Magic was there in the way that the world seemed to be a lot brighter, with the fireflies that danced around them, and in the connection that started from Dib’s heart, to whatever Zim had that’s equivalent.

“Oh, is it my cue?” Gaz droned, but Dib could’ve sworn that there was some underlying affection there.

Gaz brought out an ornate knife, and lightly pricked the two’s palms, lightly grumbling at the danger and idiocy of tradition picking the palm to draw blood.

A dark red bloomed in Dib’s, and light pink in Zim’s.

She urged the two to get on with it. “May this not be the last time you will bleed for each other,” Gaz didn’t feel the need to hide the fact that she was reading it on paper, “And may your bond last longer than you enemies. May one not fall in battle without the other, for that is the greatest pain of all.”

Zim took initiative and clutched Dib’s bloody palm with his own, taking a few seconds before being able to once again meet his eyes. “I pledge myself to you, Dib.”

Dib tightened his grip. “I pledge myself to you, Zim.”

Zim couldn’t disguise the joy in his eyes.

“It is done.” Gaz interrupted them by pulling on a small party popper, then handing off a party horn to Gir. The robot took to it immediately, blowing unrestrained loud notes. Gaz reached for a glass of wine.

Zim laughed, but it wasn’t a cackle.

His genuine laugh was something that Dib would sear into memory, but he wasn’t done yet. “Zim?”

Dib’s voice easily captured Zim’s attention, who turned to him with a smile. “Yes, Dib-mine?”

“I have something to ask.” Dib, carefully, but knowingly, lowered himself into one knee. He looked up to Zim.

In one record breaking swoop, Dib found out exactly how Zim’s emotions could turn 180 in an instant.

Zim kicked him as much as he was able to, in that dress. Dib didn’t know why he was annoyed, but knew it was cultural differences. Anyone else would’ve figured out what he was trying to do.

“Hear me out!” Dib said, affixing himself slowly into the same position, watching Zim’s movements.

“You aren’t to bow to me! We are partners, I expect you to not act like a service drone, because we aren’t!”

Gaz leaned towards Gir, and faux whispered, fully knowing she would be heard. “Not the most awkward wedding I’ve seen.”

The two ignored her, still locked in their standstill.

“Zim, cultural misunderstanding.” Dib pleaded with his eyes. “Listen to me, alright?”

And while Zim gave no affirmative and had his eyes in a glare, he did not move any more threateningly.

“I don’t think I would ever meet anyone else as driven as you are. You, who make me feel like… I’m enough, that I matter, and…” The redness has tinted his ears, “Zim, you could destroy me in every single way and I’d be okay with it.”

“I trust you more than you could ever know, and I… I lo…” Dib swallowed, and brought out a ring. “Will you become more than my partner?”

Zim took a sharp inhale, not even aware when he’d begun to hold his breath. “And that would entail…?”

“It means I could do this.” Dib lightly kissed the knuckles of Zim’s hand, to which he caught his breath. “It means… I would choose you above anyone else,” he said, mirroring what Zim had once told him about Irken partnerships. “Put my life before yours. It means I choose to never leave you, in sickness and health. But most importantly, it means that you’ll allow yourself to love me as I do you. And I do. I really do. I love you, Zim.”

There was another reason Irk had partnerships banned, one that defied all logic and rendered all other emotions underneath it, and Zim never really thought he would be able to have it.

“Zim, do you accept?” Dib didn’t think he could be more nervous in his life.

A smile graced Zim’s lips. “I do.”

[purplesurveys]

1159

survey by -egocentricity-

Describe the last time you...

Went swimming: It was in Nasugbu with Angela, Sofie, and Gab nearly a couple of years ago. We wanted to go to a nearby beach before the semester started, so we planned the trip at the last minute and literally just right after we enrolled for our classes.

Went on a date: It was at BGC at this nice, romantic French restaurant. Then as we headed back to the car we spotted a jazz bar that had a live band performing, so we took a detour there to have drinks and nachos.

Were hurt by someone you love: My mom says a lot of hurtful things all the time I’ve stopped keeping track of them and letting them affect me too much, but I’m sure she’s done it recently.

Did something nice for yourself: I got myself a night lamp to improve the ambience in my room and make it feel even more homey. The lamp I had before it was just something I borrowed from my parents and it had white light, so it didn’t feel the most calming. The one I have right now emits this soft yellow shade that makes me feel infinitely more relaxed.

Did something nice for someone else: I ordered KFC at like 1 AM last Wednesday because I was feeling hungry and there was nothing at home that could meet my cravings, and aside from getting orders for my parents I also got a Zinger for my delivery driver as a way to thank him and lift his spirits for working that late into the night.

Were injured: I always sport some sort of scratch or gash somewhere on my body these days from playing with Cooper. This morning I got a new wound on one of my knuckles since he was pulling on his leash way too hard when I was walking him.

Went to the hospital: I had to take blood and urine tests last May to figure out what was wrong with me since I had been sick for a week by that point. That was also during the peak of the pandemic, so there was a lot of anxiety about me catching Covid. It turned out to be a UTI, and even though that technically sucks the whole family was relieved it wasn’t Covid.

Understood something that previously confused you: I had my dad explain to me how buying and bidding for houses works. Hahaha I am sooooo not equipped to be a fully-functioning adult.

Faked sick to get out of going to class: I don’t think I ever did this. If I had wanted to skip class, I just skipped it.

Hung out with your friends: I went to Perfy’s with 7 friends shortly before it shut down for good as a result of the pandemic. We had some beer and bar chow, and to be completely frank it felt quite nice to have that one night where things felt normal again, as ignorant as it was. We vaped until we were dizzy and some of them smoked too much that the smell ended up clinging to me and my clothes, but luckily I got home when my whole family was already in their rooms so no one was able to smell me.

Met someone new: There’s this girl who recently got onboarded to one of our client brands and we started working with her about a week or two ago. She’s honestly been a bit over the place, but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s fairly new at a particularly hectic time in her workplace. My first impression of her was that she gave such a strong UP vibe so I looked her up on Facebook, and it turns out we went to the same college and the same high school.

Did something that you were afraid to do: A couple of months ago I had a one-on-one video call organized by the CEO of my employer so that she could get to know me better. She was super nice and listened attentively to my answers to all her questions, but it was easy to tell she wanted to see what I could bring to the table and how well I could mesh with the team especially since I’ve never met her and everyone else in person, so I made sure my social game was maxed out for those 15 minutes haha.

Did something you promised you would never do: I vaped literally half an hour ago. I never expected to form a habit out of it especially after being vehemently against any form of smoking for most of my life. Not particularly proud of it but then again I’m here for a good time and not a long time lmao.

Regretted something: Lazada had this huge app-wide sale last week and their Hydro Flasks were like ₱600 cheaper, but I didn’t buy it because I was feeling stingy that day haha. Now the products are back to their normal price and they’ll probably never get to be that cheap again :( There’s another sale happening tomorrow but the discounts aren’t as big, but I’ll probably place an order this time.

Went shopping: I went to H&M last January to get Andi a late Christmas present. I asked Leigh what they would appreciate as a gift, and she told me they’d wanted to start experimenting with feminine clothes so I got them a nice black skirt and this really elegant dress (that I honestly wanted for myself). I heard they cried once they opened the paper bag, and making people cry with the gifts you get them will always be one of the best feelings ever haha.

Asked someone out/were asked out: Idk, it was 5 years ago and nothing I want to remember anymore.

Broke up with someone: I’ve never broken up with someone.

Had someone break up with you: It was terrible and the stuff of all my nightmares combined, and it happened in the middle of an already-shitty month to boot so I had little hope for myself to come out of it alive. I had everything planned and ironed out and all that was left was for me to leave. 

It’s been 7 months and I’ve never felt emotionally and mentally better and healthier.

Were heartbroken: I follow this animal rescue NGO on Facebook and they regularly post about dogs who’ve lived through awful situations and need urgent care and forever homes to live in. Fortunately the page has a wide reach and regularly gets support, and I try to donate to their bank account as often as I can.

You were angry with someone: Haven’t directed my anger towards anyone in a while.

You felt "in love" with someone: It was during the time I was still reeling over the breakup and was caught in an endless loop of still being in love with them and forcing myself to finally detach.

You wanted something unrealistic: I was at the rooftop this morning and I could feel the temperature getting warmer every hour, and when I finally couldn’t tolerate the heat and was forced to go back indoors I felt super annoyed because all I want is to live somewhere with a chilly climate all-year round hahaha UGH

You made someone angry: It was when I spilled a tiny drop of soup onto the dining table and my mom had a complete meltdown about it. After 89457843957 years of her getting mad at First World Problems I wasn’t intimidated by her anymore, but it still irked me at how something so little can piss her off so I just decided not to speak a word for the rest of the night.

You made someone's day: I hope I made my delivery driver’s night when I got him his burger as a surprise. I hold so much respect and appreciation for them considering they’ve been working very hard to get people’s goods to their doorsteps in the midst of a global pandemic.

Tried something new: When I bought my lamp it was the first time I got something to decorate my room. I usually spend all my money on food, so that was a nice change to try out.

Tried your best: I always try my best at work and to make each day more improved than the last.

Didn't try at all: A couple of nights ago I asked my dad to light up my scented candle and he challenged me to try lighting up a matchstick by myself for once. I was all primed and ready to go, but backed out at the last second :(( I told him there was a big chance I could freak out, drop the lit matchstick. and set something in the dining room (where we were) on fire, and that’s when he gave up and just lit it up himself hahaha

Got nothing for your efforts: I’d gladly refer you to my big waste of a 6-year relationship.

Had a serious talk with someone: I always have deep conversations with Andi and they’ve been about various topics over the last few months.

Told someone how you really feel: It was when Bea scheduled a quick one-on-one catch-up call with me to check up on how I was doing with work and if I was doing okay with the everyday craziness of it all. But I didn’t say anything grave; I just told her I honestly like the work we do and that it’s nice that it keeps me excited everyday, so there’s little to complain about.

Hid what you felt from someone: One of my co-workers, Denise, is honestly a little challenging to work with. I always have to pick up after her and remind her of stuff we need to do together, and even Bea has let a few comments slide between us about how difficult she can be. But considering I’m a lot newer than her and we’ve never met each other I’ve stayed quiet for now.

Took something that didn't belong to you: I got the matchbox from my parents’ room to ask one of them to light up the aforementioned scented candle I have.

Borrowed something from someone: I borrowed one of my sister’s cords the other evening to charge my vape pen.

Lost a game: This was when my orgmates and I played a couple Jeopardy games over Zoom about a month ago and I lost to Robin.

Won a game: Not sure, I don’t really play a lot of games.

Told someone you love him/her: Jo, after she shared that she tested positive for Covid.

Went on vacation: It’s been a year and a half and the world has changed a lot since then, but my family and I went to Tagaytay and Cavite for a quick weekend getaway; it was Tagaytay on Saturday then we drove to another hotel in Cavite the next day. We played Heads Up, ate Jelly Belly jellybeans, had a lot of nice food, took some walks, but then I also had to work on a Powerpoint in between because I had a presentation that was due that Monday lol.

Went on a roadtrip: Last January we drove to Tagaytay (again) for my dad’s 50th birthday. Before heading to our accommodation we had brunch at La Creperie where we happened to be seated beside Larry Gadon – bleck – and his wife. Then we headed to the condo unit where we stayed the night at, ordered a samgyupsal set, and I watched GMM’s Let’s Talk About That into the night until I fell asleep.

Flew on a plane: That would be over two years ago and it was during our vacation to Bicol. That also marks the last time I ever spoke a word to my brother, because on our way home my family got into a heated argument and he ended up slapping me in the face. I don’t tolerate physical acts of violence, and especially not from someone younger than me, so I was more than glad to cut ties with him moving forward.

Were annoyed with a family member: My mom is politically incorrect 24/7, and it grinds my gears 24/7.

Took something too far: Idk, maybe cutting off ties with Gab. A part of me wanted to reconnect at some point, once I’ve healed; but I’ve reached a point in my life where that doesn’t seem so necessary anymore. Life just works funnily sometimes, I guess. I haven’t completely cut her off; we’re still mutuals on Twitter (though she also never uses it so it barely counts), and also still Facebook friends (though I’ve unfollowed her and I’ve also blacklisted her from seeing my posts – thank god for that feature), so now it’s really just a matter of pressing some buttons and finally disconnecting for good.

Gave up too soon: I wanted to learn riding a bike during the early days of the pandemic last year, but I gave up after like two days of being unsuccessful.

Listened to a band you had not heard before: I started exploring some of BTS’ music earlier this week after weeks of just knowing Dynamite.

Judged someone: Some of the bloggers that I regularly correspond with for work, and who’ve recently added me on Facebook, have opinions I don’t necessarily agree with.

Asked a "stupid question": I ask a lot of newbie questions at work that maybe some people would consider dumb, but I’d rather get answers to do my work correctly than take guesses and end up doing the wrong thing.

Got "a stupid answer": Not sure.

Took a picture of something/someone: I recently took a photo of my work desk setup so I could show off my new pretty lamp, hahaha.

Told a lie: I told my mom my Hydro Flask is still with Angela and that I should be getting it soon, but I really lost it a few years ago and would have to buy a new one.

Told the truth: Idk I tell the truth all the time.

[allmyspideys]

No Plan (mob!AU h.o)

Summary: You and Harrison are from rival mobs, but the feelings are undeniable

Warnings: a little smutty, fake hatred, fluff in moments

Words: 1.7+

A/N: this is literally romeo and juliet but mob style. there's some weird tense stuff going on so... lmk if it's hard to understand!! I’m recently just disappointed in my writing so any love is much appreciated! I was listening to No Plan and fun fact! Dr. Mack in the song is a professor at my school

Messy kisses. Smeared lipstick. Hands gripping your thighs. Fingernails running down his back in ecstasy. Bruises and hickies. Merciless teasing. A painfully slow rhythm. Finally coming undone.

You woke up with a start, worried about sleeping in too late. You looked at the clock and breathed a sigh of relief.

I have an hour before I need to leave.

You rolled over to look at the man sleeping soundly next to you. As much as you hated to admit it, he was really cute when he slept. The smug look that usually resided on his face was gone and he looked truly kind. That was not something many people could say about Harrison Osterfield.

His hair was disheveled, but not only from sleeping. The image of your fingers tugging on his soft hair flooded your memory. Your eyes trailed down to his neck and landed on the large purple bruise. Your mind drifted back fully to the actions of the night before and you knew that there were finger scratches covering his back too. You lifted up the covers a little to look at your hips, and just as you suspected those were a bit bruised too. You had a deal with Harrison; he could mark you anywhere you could easily cover. You both liked to leave marks, memories, of your time together, but if he went into a meeting with hickies no one would bat an eye, however, if you did, it'd be game over.

Harrison's blue eyes slowly peeled opened, secretly admiring you as much as you were admiring him. He'd never tell you, but Harrison thought the way your face got all puffy after sleeping was adorable.

"Watching me sleep, darling?"

You scoffed, "You wish Osterfield".

You took a moment longer to relish in the smells of Harrison's bed. It was just so him: a touch musky, but mainly sweet, and a bit of his cologne that always lingered on his skin. The smell always calmed you. It was like being engulfed in a Harrison Hug. But those feelings weren't allowed… at least not out loud.

"I should go," you crawled of bed and began collecting your clothes scattered around the room, "try not to dream of me all day". You gave Harrison a wink and a smirk, fully knowing that you'd tease him all day long. Whenever no one was looking you’d text him things you knew would frustrate him. I can’t stop thinking about the way your fingers wrapped around my wrists as you pounded into me… everything else could use a little practice though *kiss emoji*.

"Try to control yourself this time, darling. I know it's hard for you," Harrison said as he threw your shirt to you.

That is how it always went. One of you would text the other to come over and you would, no questions asked. It was a silent agreement to be there for the other, in any form of the body. Sometimes you cuddled or talked, but mostly it was sex: raw, hot, and rough. Anything to get your mind off of the things you'd seen or done that day.

You and Harrison were both slowly changing the way things were done. You were the daughter of the head of your mob and Harrison was the cousin of his, so you both had some sway. Long ago your families had a falling out, so even though there was little interaction between the families, the hatred was still there. At first, you thought Harrison was only sleeping with you for intel, but that visceral attraction to Harrison kept pulling you back, and frankly, you didn't care if he was getting intel because you were getting something much, much better from him.

It all started with a simple side comment, “You must have good taste”. When you had first come into the bar, you’d noticed a man, a confident man or perhaps a cocky man, but either way, you’d noticed, and he had too. You made eye contact with his shockingly blue eyes, looked him up and down, smirked, and turned away. It always worked, and you were right. The look away irked the man to no end, pulling him into you. 

You had to admit his first words to you surprised you. Most of the time it was “Hey baby” or worse “Let’s get out of here”, as if any work to get you had been done, but you’d never heard that one before. 

“Excuse me?” Once again, you couldn’t pull yourself from his eyes. It was like there was a force luring you to entertain his advances, after all he had already surprised you once. 

“You must have good taste,” he said, leaning in to whisper in your ear. You felt his hot breath and tingles shot down your spine, tickling something inside of you.

“And why is that?” you retorted.

“Because you picked me.”

“Oh,” you chuckled. Of course! He is a pompous ass, you thought. “How did I know you were going to say that? You wear the big ego well,” you patted his chest. Each tap filled with annoyance, but you were enjoying the banter.

“There’s no point in false modesty,” he placed his hand on top of yours, thumb lightly stroking the back of your hand. 

Quickly you jerked your hand away from his, “It’s not a question of modesty, it's a lack of humility”. He was only getting you more and more heated, yet you couldn’t pull yourself away. He annoyed you, but you loved it. He took a step closer to you and you could feel his breath against your face. It pleased you to know he was getting heated too, and more so, that you were the cause of it.

“That’s the same thing, Darling,” his face was a mere inches from yours and you could feel that heat, that exasperation, that tension on your lips, pushing you forward.

“Modesty is behavior. Humility is ego, but I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand that.”

That quip finally broke it. You felt his arms wrap tight around your waist and lift you, as your fingers settled into his hair on the back of his neck and pulled his lips against yours, finally getting him to shut up. The electrifying feeling that flowed from your lips and through your body was like crackles breaking that tension, but exciting you for more. You broke the kiss slightly to tug at his bottom lip, rolling it between your teeth, eliciting a moan from the man. 

“You annoy me,” you said as he set you down, feeling the tension returning.

“Perfect.” You felt the heat from his large hands on your waist radiate through you and your mind drifted to other places those hands would be more useful. 

“Come home with me?” he whispered in your ear.

Maybe it was because of all that tension or maybe it was because this man was the first to ask you, instead of commanding you, to come home with him, but something in you said, “Yes”.

“I’m Harrison Osterfield,” he said with his calloused hand outstretched.

It took you a second to realize that name, but it was the one thing your dad forbade you from doing. “Never date an Osterfield, Y/N. Never an Osterfield.” It all made sense to you. The cocky air, the nice suit that clung to his body in all the right ways, the blue eyes, the tension.

You chuckled, grabbing his hand, “Osterfield… I’m Y/N L/N”.

Harrison’s eyes went wide for a second, “L/N,” he smirked, “this will be fun”. 

At some point it changed from actual annoyance and irritation to more of a playful dislike. Harrison knew how to push your buttons and he loved doing so.

Harrison cocked an eyebrow at you as you pulled on your pants.

"Enjoying the show?" you quipped.

"Doesn't look much like a show to me," he said with a cheeky smile.

You thought back to the first time you slept over. You were already seeing each other a few times a week for a rendezvous and a quickie. You'd meet up, already starting to unbuckle your pants before you even got in the room.

"Couldn't keep away?" Haz would say with that glint in his eye that still drives you crazy.

"You disgust me," you'd say, but still pulling at his shirt, just wanting to feel his body heat against yours.

Harrison's fingers would press into your thighs and you'd bury your head in his neck and rake your teeth against his neck, something that still drove him wild.

"You can't even fuck right," you say, hands pressed firmly against the wall behind you. You'd do anything to get Harrison frustrated. It was hot and it was messy, but he was the only one that could do you right.

You were laying against Harrison's chest, both still sweaty and breathing heavy, but it was comfortable. That was the first time you noticed his cologne.

"Did you just sniff me," Harrison asked with a light chuckle.

You blushed and buried your head into his shoulder, "I like this cologne. Keep it".

After that Harrison wore it everyday. While you were beginning to fall asleep, something you'd never done before, but it was a particularly late rendezvous, Harrison perked up.

"You're the only person I do this with," you could hear the hesitation in Haz's voice.

"What?" you raised your head.

"I don't- I mean I'm not sleeping around.. With anyone other than you," it was the most unsure you'd ever seen him, "Just in case you wanted to know".

"I'm not either," you chuckled.

You shook the memories out of your head and focused back on the shirtless boy in bed, still smirking at you.

"I don't like you," your cheeky smile said differently.

"I don't either," Harrison wore the same smile as you, "so I'll see you tonight?"

You turned to walk out the bedroom but looked over your shoulder, getting one last look of the hickies you'd left.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" you gave Haz a wink.

"So that's a yes?" Harrison cooly responded.

With only a crack in the door between you and a Harrison, you smiled, "Yes".

[wongiemei]

[Why] Enemy!Jeno

15 - “why? Well, one, my life, fuck you. Two, fuck you”  +  25 “don’t worry, i’ll forever be yours”

Warnings: Angst, Fluff (at the end), mentions of Jaemin, jealousy, triggering themes like attempt suicide

You hated Lee Jeno.

There was no specific reason with that hatred as it is every little thing mixed into this one big ball of resentment.

You two used to be the bestest of friends and the closest but something in him changed causing you to slowly resent him.

Was it when you were both 7 and he pushed you down the slide and caused you to get a scraped knee?

Or was it when you were both in middle school and he intentionally exposed your crush to Suwon?

Maybe, it was when you were both 15 and he told your parents that you were secretly dating Lee Suwon.

He was always seen as the golden child while you were seen as the problematic one.

You see, this resentment you’ve felt ever since you were little has grown and grown until you started looking up how to hide a body.

However, the hatred was mutual as Lee Jeno thought it was S O funny to make sure he tortures you every day. Every morning he blasts his stereo loud enough to wake up your entire neighborhood since you had the displeasure of living right across him. 

When the neighbors complained, he always shot them a smile and as if they were brainwashed, they would let him off the hook. Everyday he does this, nobody gets angry at him.

It irked you to no end since he was the fakest and most annoying little shit you've gotten the pleasure to live near.

To get back at him, you made yourself be friends with his friends and got close to his best friend, Jaemin. Since you both lived close, Jeno always sees Jaemin dropping you off from school and you always notice him, giving him a smirk.

It got to the point that Jaemin was cancelling plans to hang out with you. He also noticed you sneaking out of your window and driving off with someone at night.

That someone, being Jaemin.

There was a weird feeling in his gut and he knew something was off because he knew who Jaemin is and what he gets involved with.

Finally, one early morning, he saw you being dropped by the corner of your house and hurriedly sneaked out to confront you.

After bidding Jaemin good-bye, you ran to the dangling rope made of sheets and was about to climb up when a hand grabbed you from behind. A scream was about to rip from your throat but another hand placed itself on your mouth. The man pushed you roughly against the brick wall and you softly groaned in pain.

The face in front of you turned out to be Lee Jeno and you used your free hand and yanked his hand off.

“Lee Jeno, what the fuck!?” You hissed quietly. You glared at him sharply but cowered slightly. You've never seen Jeno this angry before.

“What about you? What the fuck are you doing?” He growled. You opened your mouth to say something but nothing came out. “Nothing to say, huh? One more time, Y/N. What the fuck have you been doing with my best friend in the middle of the night?”

Finally finding your voice, you answered. “What does it have to do with you, Lee Jeno? Are you stalking me now?”

“Goddammit, answer me, Y/N!” He shouted and grabbed your arm roughly.

You winced at how loud his voice was and worriedly looked around to make sure no one heard him.

Why was he so angry with you?

Was it because you were out with Jaemin?

His best friend?

But the pain from your wrist increased since the new ink you've gotten. Whining softly, you wriggled it gently to ease his old on it.

“Let go of me, Lee Jeno!” He blinked and slowly releaed your arm, watching as you brought it close and cradled it.

Overcome with worry and forgetting he was there, you pulled up your jacket sleeve and slowly peeled a little bit to look if it was okay.

Jeno watched with wide eyes as he knows exactly what was under that. Jaemin usually had one on every few weeks since his friend's addiction to ink became fulfilled.

“Oh my God, Y/N. Is that-?” He stopped and pointed to it in shock.

You were going to be in so much trouble if you were found out.

“A what? A tattoo? Yes, it is.” You hissed and he still looked shocked.

“Why?” was the only thing he could utter.

“Who are you? My father? And last time I checked, my body belonged to me. So why? Well, one, my life, fuck you. Two, fuck you.” You raised your middle finger and stuck your tongue out at him.

“Still doesn't explain why you have been sneaking out with him for many nights,” he crossed his arms.

You raised an eyebrow, “Why do you care so damn much?”

Jeno stopped and wondered the same thing.

Why did he care so much?

“Explain before I rat you out,” he threatened, shaking away that question.

You sighed since you really had no choice. “Jaemin has been taking me to watch him get tattoos. I was scared and I kept chickening out. But last night, I finally did it.” 

Jeno looked at you and stared at you, wondering what happened to you. Your torn up black jeans and loose black hoodie with mascara running down your face made you look so much more different than the you Jeno used to remember. You used to wear so much pink and refused to wear anything but dresses. Your pigtails that bounced whenever you took a step became choppy and worn-looking.

But your eyes were the most different. Your innocent eyes became so wild and distorted and he couldn’t believe you were the same girl who made him a flower crown all those years ago.

You noticed Jeno staring at you and you rolled your eyes before snapping your fingers in front of him. “Listen, we’re done here. I told you everything and you can’t tell my parents anything, got it?” 

But you didn’t give him enough time to answer as you jumped to the rope and began climbing, letting Jeno watch you go higher and higher until you disappeared into your room.

Turns out, he really didn’t tell your parents. He kept his word and didn’t say anything about that morning ever since. The tattoo healed nicely and remained hidden under your long-sleeves but so far, you haven’t been caught. Everything seemed to go about nicely but you did notice Jeno being a little distant.

Not that you minded because having your own phone as an alarm clock instead of his stereo was a nice change for once. But you still can’t help thinking that something was wrong.

Jeno drove up to his school and parked at his spot when he noticed you sitting on the hood of Na Jaemin’s car. Watching your interactions, Jeno unintentionally gripped the wheel.

Since when were you Jaemin’s?

You were his to torment and his only.

But you playfully punching Jaemin’s arm and turning red after made him so angry that he jumped out of the car and the sound of the slamming door caught yours and Jaemin’s attention.

“Hey, Jen! What’s u-” Jaemin asked in greeting but Jeno completely ignored him and grabbed your arm.

Your protests and shouts went unnoticed by him as he dragged you to the school and to a storage closet near the lockers.

“What the actual hell, Jeno!?” You screamed but made no movement to leave. He paced in the small room and kept biting his nail. “Yah! Lee Jeno!” 

That caught his attention as you looked at him with wide but slightly scared eyes. You didn’t know what was going on and what he was thinking about.

“When did this start, Y/N? This-us-when?” He asked desperately.

The many nights he’s stayed up thinking about the possible answer was starting to show at how tired he really was.

You faltered at the question. “W-What do you mean? It started because you changed. You became someone I didn’t know.”

The honest answer was something he didn’t understand. No matter how hard he thinks, he doesn’t remember starting to hate you. To him, it was you who changed and not him.

“First, you take my friends and now you’re saying it’s my fault we became like this?” He asks, angrily slamming his hand beside your head, making you flinch in fright.

His eyes widened and he saw your form shake and tremble before your eyes opening and pushing him back. You breathed heavily and ran a hand through your hair.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, Lee Jeno, but you aren’t, and weren’t, someone who gave a single fuck about me.” You seethed while he watched.

His insides churned and he felt like someone just stabbed him. Naturally, the only way Jeno would defend himself is by doing the same thing to the other person.

To hurt them.

“Maybe if you didn’t have your head so far up your ass that you would’ve seen that I actually did. Quite a waste of my part, wasn’t it?” He growled and you bit your lip in anger.

“So what do you want me to do, huh? You want me to stay away from your friends? From Jaemin?” You pushed him back harshly. “But I won’t. You know why? I love watching you squirm with jealousy because you can’t handle me being happy for once. It’s always been Jeno this, Jeno that! My own fucking parents wanted you! Maybe if you didn’t have your head so far up in your ass, you would’ve seen why I hated you so much!”

Even though you loathed Jeno, you didn’t want him to see you cry. Never will you show that side to him because he didn’t need to see you so vulnerable and to only use that against you.

No, far too many people have done that and you weren’t about to let Jeno do that too.

That’s why you slammed the door open and walked away from him, harshly and quickly rubbing your eyes to get rid of the tears. A sob was threatening to escape your throat but you held it in, pulling your hood up. Even though classes were just about to start, you ditched and drove back home, ignoring the questions and voices of Haechan and Jaemin.

He was about to go after you. 

But the moment he saw the glistening of your eyes, he stopped himself and willed his body to not move because he’s already hurt you enough. From the years he’s tortured and made fun of you, he’s never seen you cry. Maybe when he was younger, he wanted to see you cry. But now that he was older, he’s seen the hardships and the cruelty of the world through the eyes of a teenager and a little boy making fun of you is the last thing you needed.

Jeno ran his hands through his hair and chewed his lip, trying to think on how to fix everything he’s done. But he was afraid that he may be a little late.

You were overcome with so much emotions that you cried the whole drive and marched to your house towards your bathroom and sat on the floor, sobbing your heart out. 

Why, exactly?

When you were about 5, a little boy named Jeno moved in right across from you. Of course, your young self was excited because your neighborhood was full of old people so having someone your age meant you would have someone to play with. Meeting him for the first time was weird since he hid behind his mother’s legs but as the months passed by, he became your friend, your best friend.

Jeno loved sports.

He was a member of a little league baseball team and you were usually there to cheer him on. The first time he hit a homerun, you felt an unfamiliar feeling swell up against your chest. You weren’t an idiot as that’s all Jeno could talk about and his only goal was to hit one. And when he did, you thought he was God himself.

You looked up to him and did everything for him and gave him everything. 

Every flower crown you made, you gave it to him.

Every cookie your mother made, you made sure to give one to him.

Every time he got sick, you made a fool out of yourself just so he would smile and forget about the pain.

You gave him everything and in return, he gave you nothing.

Instead of school, you just slept the day away, hoping to wake up from this nightmare and go back to being 5 and never meeting him. But you woke up and went downstairs, about to yell for your parents until you saw a note saying that your father was going on a business trip while your mother went to your grandmother’s house. There was no indication how long they were going to be gone but you didn’t care.

You were used to being alone.

Your mood made you not hungry so you went to watch your TV, take a bath, and straight to bed again. 

Thank God, tomorrow was Friday so you just skipped again and the entire weekend, you didn’t want to eat. Maybe a banana here but otherwise, nothing. Sunday night, you laid on the bathtub, taking a bath and holding a champagne filled glass on the other, staring blankly to the wall. 

Your eyes shifted to the water and you wondered how it felt to just slip in and never resurface. Placing the glass down on the floor, you took a deep breath and closed your eyes before slipping into the water. 

And as if God granted your wish, the last thing you remembered was seeing distorted face of the little boy who lived across the street.

“Lee Jeno! Go over to the Y/L/N’s and check if Y/N’s okay! Her parents just called and wondered if she’s eating well!” Jeno groaned at his mother’s request as he didn’t really want to see you right now.

Not because he was playing a game with the boys but he was kinda guilty and he was too ashamed to face you. 

“Yah! Lee Jeno!” Mrs. Lee yelled again and he finally got up from bed and went downstairs to put his shoes on. His mother came rushing from the kitchen holding a pan of food and handed it to him.

“Make sure she eats this, okay?” He nodded and he went outside before crossing the street towards yours.

He remembers the garage code by heart and he slipped in to the house, tutting at how careless you were. Even though someone knew the code, you should lock all the doors if you were home alone.

He yelled your name but got no response. He placed the pan on the counter and saw a banana peel and a bottle of champagne by the sink. Jeno raised an eyebrow and wandered upstairs, yelling for you once more.

He knew where your room was and he opened it to see you not there. Jeno pushed open your bathroom door and saw a champagne glass on the floor before shrieking at something in the water. He thought it was the lady from the Ring but upon further inspection, his heart stopped at the realization.

It was you.

“Oh, my God! Y/N!” He screamed and he scooped your figure out of the water and placed you on the rug. 

He felt himself turn red at the sight of your vulnerable body but he didn’t care about that as he was focused on your breathing. Jeno found your towel and placed it on you before trying to feel your pulse. It was barely beating and panic was slowly starting to settle in.

“Calm down, Jeno,” he mumbled to himself.

He knew if that he gave you CPR, you would probably kick him so hard that his dick would fall off but he was desperate on trying to save you. So, he placed his mouth on yours and breathed, performing what he learned during his lifeguard job during sophomore year.

It felt like forever and he was starting to lose hope until you suddenly coughed and sat up, coughing your lungs out before puking. You slowly stopped and regained consciousness of where you were and who you were with. You were greeted with the sight of a huffing Jeno who brought you into a hug, mumbling ‘thank God’.

But you were angry. You pushed him away and punched his chest. “Why!? Why did you save me!? Why didn’t you just let me die!?” You cried with tears falling down your face.

Jeno let you hit him until you gave up and leaned your head against his chest. He brought his arms around you and slowly shushed you, running his hands through your hair.

“Why do you hate me so much that you wouldn’t let me go?” Your face was muffled but he scoffed before pulling you away and cupping your face.

His own tears fell when he saw how empty your eyes were. 

How sad and tired you were.

“You must’ve been so tired. So exhausted. I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he trembled. He sobbed and placed his forehead against yours.

Together, you cried and you sobbed because of everything that has happened. Years old wounds began to open again and you were so tired from trying to heal them that you didn’t care anymore.

“I can’t lose you, Y/N,” he sobbed. Jeno clung to you like his life depended on it because just minutes ago, he thought you were gone.

“Why? All you’ve done to me is torture me. Did you try to save me because your entertainment was going to be gone?” You hissed.

He shook his head and he cried harder, tears falling more quickly. “You’re my only sense of home, Y/N. I’ve known you for so long that if I lose you, I won’t find my way home again.”

Even though you still hated Jeno, you knew he was right. You were both the only home you had. From the moment you were kids, you wanted to grow up with him, travel with him, grow old with him. But then he started to change and your desires became twisted.

“Why did you do all those things to me, J? Please, tell me the truth.” 

“You, and I, were making friends and we were slowly drifting apart. I was so scared that I would lose you to them because you weren’t theirs, you were mine. My friend, my best friend. Not theirs. I was an idiot, Y/N, and I should’ve approached it the right way but all I’ve done is bring you harm. I’m so sorry. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am. Please, forgive me.” 

You clenched his shirt and you tried to even your breathing. “No matter what happened, you were always going to be first, J. You should’ve known that. Did I not show you and tell you that enough? You were always going to be my first priority, J.”

The tables have turned and you never thought you’d find the day that you and Lee Jeno would be cuddling on your bed. The entire night, it was filled with hushed apologies and shy confessions that were hidden for years.

“You never have to think about losing me to other people, J. Even when we’re on our wheelchairs, you’ll never lose me. So, don’t worry, I’ll forever be yours, whether you like it or not.”

“I like it and I’ll keep you to myself, Y/N.” He hummed before closing his eyes.

But a thought wandered into your head. “Hey, J, you fished me out of the tub and I was,,, naked. YoU sAW mE nAKeD?!”

All the fucker could do was smile.

a/n: late update and I’m not dead, yall. just midterms and crazy shit happening w my family. hope you guys liked it! yall are like obsessed w jeno fr

[arshinquarantine]

online shopping

To be honest, I don't really care for online shopping. A million little neurons fire off in my brain when I give someone money and they give me an object instantly. Who I was with, how I looked when I first tried it on, what I felt when I first tasted it, how much of a bargain it was, the feel of seams on my fingers or the weight of deckled pages in my hands, the caution I threw to the winds or the impulse that I permitted to seize me all combine in a few seconds to inject one simple emotion into my simple brain: buying shit feels good. Until recently, online shopping was utterly devoid of any positive emotion for me. I don't like computers, and they particularly irk me when they ask me to punch my credit card number or (worse) save it. I don't like waiting for boxes to arrive or dealing with going to the post office to pick them up or the endless amounts of recycling I'm going to have to do. I also absolutely do not have the time or the will or the discipline to return roughly half of what I buy because I'm picky and women's sizing for anything is a hot mess, so piles of unwanted shit pile up in my tiny apartment taking up valuable real estate. So I generally go out of my way to avoid the whole business of it all. 

For the first few months of the quarantine, I lived like a purist, buying only what I absolutely needed to online. Unfortunately for me, I was living in an unfurnished apartment (the sum total of the furniture I owned was a mattress, a shitty dollar walmart desk, and a shittier dollar walmart chair) so I actually needed to buy a lot of stuff and I dragged my feet miserably through it all. It took me weeks to pick out basic white Crate & Barrel plates for my kitchen, another few months before I committed to a bookshelf that held only about a third of the books I own, and far too long to buy a bed frame. The worst crime of all was my sofa; when I think about how many months I lived with only my mattress or my floor to sit on, I genuinely wonder how far my propensity for masochism can truly go.  Ordering my groceries online was simply out of the question, I remained staunchly devoted to buying them in store even when I had to wait 40 minutes in line for my turn.

Soon, the early alarming but novel weeks of covid gave way to the later mundane, claustrophobic ones. After a few weeks of regularly working out, I realized that there was no world for me to emerge into with my newer, hotter body. The comfort I got from my group chats and zoom hangouts soon petered out, and I returned to cooking my usual 20 minute weeknight meals. Stuck in a new apartment, in a new city, without a car (I can't even drive so this is actually moot tbh) my world quietly shrunk to the 600 odd square feet of hastily, partially furnished space I could call my own (now shared with a sibling) and a few blocks in either direction. I wore the same clothes, called the same people, walked the same walk, shopped at the same Shoppers, made the same complaints and wallowed in the same worries, and then I woke up and I did it all over again.

And then I decided that it was time for something new, and I've been searching for newness ever since. A "resurfacing" night cream that promised to make my skin brighter. A houndstooth blazer from an online vintage store that fit like it was tailored for me. A monstera plant that unfurled leaf after leaf under my distracted care before I finally succeeded in killing it. A bluetooth speaker to fill my home with the sound of qawwalis my dad taught me to love. The boxes would arrive days, sometimes weeks after I make the actual purchase, feeling more like a gift from an unknown benefactor than something I furtively paid for. I used to dislike online shopping for its delayed gratification, but soon began to covet it for exactly that reason, like the steady cadence of a few minutes of excitement made me feel like I was accomplishing the impossible task of feeling an emotion. A cheap rug. An expensive sofa. Baking equipment. Painting equipment. Exercise equipment. Books about best friendship, books about love, about a dying earth and dying mothers, set in Syria and Detroit, Naples and Busan, some devoured, some discarded, all read in hot pursuit of staving off how utterly dead I felt on the inside. Each box that landed on my doorstep neatly filled a hole in my life, a void that never seemed to shrink.

It felt reckless and frivolous—childish even—to allow myself to keep getting things that would make me happy. It contradicted everything I wanted to believe about myself: that I was unaffected by anything money could buy, able to achieve complete inner peace by simply "thinking good thoughts", and minimalist to my core. How positively pathetic of me, I'd think, to need a "thing" or an "item" to be able to feel happiness. Even as I searched within myself for gratitude at my good fortune, my good health, I often came up empty, and the answers to all my questions seemed for lie, for however brief a moment, in whatever Instagram thought I should buy that week, silently delivered in recyclable packaging, with a return label and a promise of brief delight.

Most people my age, my peers haven't lived through an event as seismic as this. The idea that life being irreversibly changed even after this, that it already has changed feels alien to me, a square peg trying to jam itself into the round hold where my brain used to be. Life as it used to be feels right around the corner, just a week away, just a month away, just a season away, and soon, I tell myself, I will get back the normalcy of buying four americanos in three hours to keep my internet access at the cafe I've been working at, the fun in an afternoon spent mindlessly window shopping, the stupid joy in dancing the night away in a sweet and sticky club, the relief in resting my head against the shoulder of a friend, the discomfort of getting on the subway at rush hour, the ordeal of a 15 hour flight home to see my little sister.

I lost family members this year, and I spend my weekends flitting between my numb grief and a website that sells silk pyjama sets. Sometimes, I don't speak to my father for days, afraid that he might see right through my false cheer. Sending him pictures of the first snow, my meals and paintings seems enough to me. Lately I've been waking up from dreams that range from bad to fully qualified nightmares about my mom's health. I haven't seen her in nineteen months. I ruminate over where I want to live, if I want children, who I want them with, new questions that have cropped up and firmly planted themselves on my brain. I find myself rejecting the companionship of the friends on my phone. I want them here in Toronto, so we can laugh at the past, and marvel at the present, our warm bodies pressed against one another. And I crave the thrill of deep conversation with new people who remain interesting to me for only as long as I know nothing about them. Loneliness seems to run like a thread throughout everyone's twenties, I suppose, and I'm unable to tease out where the disorientation of being 24 ends and the isolation of living in a pandemic begins. But tangled up, they are stronger together and frighten me everyday, and I surround myself with boxes and yet more boxes to ward them off.

[mskinkyafro]

One Day At a Time ( Ethan x MC)

A/N: I can not stray away from this man. He’s my new obsession! He’s slowly becoming apart of my Top Five Li in Choices. Anyway I’m back with another fic. This is based on chapter 4 and the conversation they had in the diamond scene will be referenced. This is written in my MC, Katrina Michaels POV..

Summary: When Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Michaels are visiting baby Ethan in the NICU they meet Delores’ sisters where a conversation quickly leads to high tensions resulting in Ethan and Katrina having another heart to heart.

It’s been a week since Delores’ passing and when baby Ethan entered the world. Each day he spent in the NICU the stronger and healthier he grew.  Though her days were hectic with new patients Dr. Michaels made sure to visit the little tadpole everyday as long as he was still at EdenBrook. On a few occasions when she visited the baby she’d stumble across Dr. Ramsey and together they’d sit in on the loveseat watching the baby boy and talk. After the first night their conversations drifted from idle small talk to deep discussions and would last through the evenings or late in the night.

As the days pass, the intern grew more and more comfortable working alongside Dr. Ramsey, who she considered at one point, untouchable. A legend who seemed  at times too renowned to be approachable. Yet despite his efforts to intimidate her or present a cold front, Katrina suspected that beneath it all was a man with a big  heart.  A man for the people. A doctor that champions for his patients above all, even at times his own well being. She’d witness it with Barb, Mrs. Martinez, of course with Delores, and during moments with baby Ethan. She finally met the real Dr. Ethan Ramsey. Someone that most in their field failed to recognize.

Although he’s still a puzzling man she has a feeling that eventually the two won’t just be mentor and mentee, maybe friends, and deep down whether she admits it or not she secretly hopes friends could turn into something more. However, she tries to ignore the persistent attraction she feels towards the man. For she thinks the likelihood of him returning such feelings is slim. Plus   at the moment her focus is on her career, being an intern and fraternizing with her supervisor in that manner in the first few weeks would stir more trouble than it’s worth.

Although, Katrina knows there’s a connection between the two. She knows he’ll never admit it, but deep down she knows the truth. It’s no beginner’s luck that she out of the others seemed to be taken under his wing or that he has these gems of wisdom whenever she needs to hear it the most. She knows to some degree he favors her. How she became his favorite is lost to her as it would be on any other intern that asked, though if someone were to approach her with this query she’d deny any implications of favoritism. To tease the man with that statement in their own private discussions is one thing but she knows all too well how an innocent conversation can turn into seedy gossip, even among doctors.  

All Katrina  knew was that her confidence, though it may falter but never for long is high in her capabilities, her dedication to the oath she took to save lives, and at the end of the day she’s just doing her job. To her it seems like nothing out of the ordinary yet Dr. Ramsey sees something more than she can, whatever it may be she’s happy that her potential is flourishing and being noticed by her superiors. At this rate it could land her the junior fellowship position. A position that she knows has her name written all over it.

A loud slamming of nearby lockers interrupt Katrina’s thoughts and she continues to hang up her white coat and shutting her locker before exiting. She heads towards the NICU wearing her signature navy blue skirt with brown belt and a top similar to her green one except it’s a bright yellow. As she enters the NICU,  she sees that it is almost empty, minus a few lone nurses in the corner overlooking charts, and Dr. Ramsey sitting in their spot observing Ethan Hudson. Katrina smiles as she sees them both and begins to walk over to join him on the loveseat as the nurses leave the room.

As Dr. Michaels sits next to Dr. Ramsey their knees accidentally brushes against each other lightly which causes goosebumps to form onto her arms. Ignoring the effect on her body, she averts her eyes to the baby in the incubator and her voice rings out softly so that she doesn’t disturb the sleeping baby and only Dr. Ramsey hears.

“Hello there, handsome.”

She can feel him tense beside her and she tears her eyes away the baby to see Dr. Ramsey’s face flush red and his piercing eyes stare down at her while he sputters words.

“Ahem...erm...well… Hello to you Rookie and as flattering-”

Shaking her head causing her curls to flow to and fro Katrina’s giggling interrupts him.

“I was actually referring to the little tadpole but you aren’t wrong either. You’re quite the tall drink of water.”

“Stop.” he says while pinching the bridge on his nose, annoyed at his assumption.

“All I’m saying is maybe sharing names isn’t the only thing little Ethan and yourself have in common. Maybe he’ll have the same knee-buckling, heart-stopping looks as the man he’s named after.” Katrina says with a smirk. Enjoying seeing the man beside her usually so stoic, red with embarrassment.

“Are you finished?” he rolls his eyes but Katrina sees his lips quirk into a small smile.

“Yep.”

She giggles some more and turns her head away from Ethan. Finally controlling her breathing she opens her eyes to see him staring at her. She could tell the gears were grinding  in his mind.

“What?”

“Hmm? Oh nothing?”

“Nope. Spill it, Dr. Ramsey.”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to handle what I’m about to say next, Rookie.”

Never one to back away from a challenge Katrina’s eyes narrow in determination, interested at what angle he was at.

“Try me.”

He feigns an exasperated sigh and turns his body, so he’s facing her directly before saying

“Very well, Rookie. ‘Knee-buckling. Very specific description. Are you saying that symptom plagues when around me?”

Katrina feels her pulse accelerate as his gunmetal eyes bore into hers. She fidgets with her necklace trying her hardest to come off nonchalant.

“I’ve heard some of the nurses say it when they talk about you.”

The last thing Katrina expected was for Ethan to move close enough to the point she can smell his scent of Irish Spring and Old Spice cologne. His eyes never leaving hers, goading her to look away. But she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of giving in. She moves so that her body is facing him. His voice drops to an even lower octave than before.

“Is that so? I don’t believe you. I know for a fact you don’t linger around the nurses long enough to hear their trivial gossip.”

“Keeping tabs on me, Doc?” her voice comes out in a wavering whisper.

“What else did you say moments ago? Let’s see… Ah! ‘Heart-stopping’ and ‘a tall drink of water.’ Perhaps you’re feeling a bit thirsty, Rookie?”

She leans closer to Ethan and to others who may look their way it may seem they’re having a heated discussion but to themselves they both know that their dancing with a very clearly drawn line.

“You didn’t answer my question?”

“Neither did you?”

“How do you know how to use the slang version of thirsty correctly?”

“I may not immerse myself in today’s youth lingo on a regular, but I prefer to be knowledgeable in all areas even in some that are radically stray from my initial interests. And must I remind you again Katrina...I’m observant.”

Katrina’s heart is beating so fast she’s worried he’ll hear it as she continues to look fixedly at Dr. Ramsey.

His eyes roam over her face. She notices as they briefly land to her lips before he pulls back allowing a small gap between them. He swallows slowly before opening his mouth to speak lowly.

“You’re not the only one who can tease, Rookie. I warned you that you couldn’t handle what I had to say.”

Katrina finally is able to rip herself away from his hypnotic gaze and says

“You’re one to talk. I guess we can call it even, at least until next time.”

“Next time?”

She turns to look at him again.

“I know that you know that this won’t be the last time we’ll have a battle of the...wits.”

“Yes...wits.”

They both feel the electricity in the air between them as they once again get caught in a trance with the other. What pulls them away is when a nurse calls out to Ethan followed by footsteps.

“Dr. Ramsey. The family of Delores Hudson is here and they’d like to speak to you.”

He gets up from the loveseat, faces the nurse, thanks her and asks for her to show them into the NICU.  Katrina stands from the seat as well and moves so she’s standing next to Dr. Ramsey as they wait for the women’s arrival. A few minutes later two women, both almost a spitting image of Delores minus looking slightly older than she was arrived.  One stood with long chestnut curly locks that reached past her shoulders and a polite smile on her face and the other with a reddish-brown bob hairstyle with curled bangs stood with an irked expression.   The long-haired women spoke first as she outstretch her hand to Ethan.

“Dr. Ramsey?”

“Yes. You both must be Delores’ sisters. She spoke highly of you both.”

She smiles sadly.

“Yes, we are. I’m Rosalind, Delores’ oldest sister and next to me is Delphina, the second oldest. Our baby sister used to mention you all the time.”

“Did she?” his eyes expressed surprise before retreating back to his stoic expression.

Delphina, who’s standing next to Rosalind with her arms crossed over her chest says bitterly

“I don’t get why though?”

“Delphina, knock it off.”  Rosalind told through gritted teeth and flashing a warning look.

She turns back to Ethan and smiles small and then turns to look at Katrina. And extends her hand towards her.

“I’m sorry. What’s your name Doctor...?”

Katrina firmly grasps her hand in a shake and before she can speak Ethan responded for her.

“Pardon ladies, this is one of Edenbrook’s newest doctors, Doctor Katrina Michaels. She was also assigned Delores’ case.”

“So our Ressy got stuck with the fresh meat and now she’s going to be six feet under.” Delphina chimed in again. Her hostility unwavering.

Katrina winces at the harsh words that were clearly directed at her and Ethan. From her peripheral, she can see Dr. Ramsey wince as well but not as visible as hers. Rosalind ignores her sister and beams brightly at Katrina then back to Ethan hopefully redirecting them from her sister’s sharp tongue.

“Thank you both for all you did to help our sister and our beautiful nephew Ethan. I’m sad to have lost my sister but to still have my nephew who looks just like she did when she was born makes me feel like she’s still with us.” she blinks back a few tears.

Ethan pulls out an handkerchief and hands it to Rosalind but before she could grab it Delphina knocks his hand back as she rolls her eyes and places herself between Rosalind and the two doctors getting in their faces..

“Okay, cut the shit Rosalind!” She turns to look at her sister disbelievingly.

“You’re thanking these two for what? They let Ressy die.”

Ethan takes a step forward and gently lays his hand on Delphina’s shoulder.

“Now, I understand this must be tremendously difficult for you both especially you, Delphina. Delores was good friend of mine and what happened was unfortunate…”

Delphina slaps his hand off her shoulder and aggressively points her index finger in his face as her voice raises.

Rosalind reaches towards her sister to pull her back but Delphina pushes her off her and continues to berate both doctors.

“Don’t you dare give me some generic spiel! You have no idea how either one of us feel and for damn sure not me. You claim she was such a good friend yet you let her die! You were supposed to save two lives yet you didn’t. I’m grateful  my nephew is still with us but he’s motherless and we’re sister-less because of both of you!”

Katrina realizing Delphina wasn’t backing down decides to try a more firmer approach. And gently placed her hand on Ethan’s arm to signal to him to let her try to calm Delphina down.

“Look, her death impacted us in different ways. Obviously more so you two than us but we had an obligation to listen to your sister’s wishes to wait until she made a clear decision for herself and her child. Especially with the information that was in front of us. Sadly, what occurred was out of our control.”

Delphina continues to ignore Dr. Michaels and Dr. Ethan’s reasoning.

“No, no, no! That’s just excuses. And I can’t stand to look at either you any second longer.”

She heatedly turns on her heels to exit the NICU and before she walks out the room she turns back to face Ethan and says disgruntledly.

“I always accepted Ressy’s decisions even if I disagreed but the fact she named my nephew after you was a mistake. Her life was in your hands and you let it slip away. Hmmph...some friend you are.” she turns and leaves without another word.

Katrina looks to Dr. Ramsey but can’t decipher his face.

Rosalind sighs and turns to address the two but before she can Ethan speaks

“I’m sorry but I have other matters to attend to before my shift ends, which is in five minutes. It was lovely to meet you, however obviously I wish under better circumstances. Pardon me Rosalind,  Dr. Michaels.”

Before either of the two women can protest Dr. Ramsey already made his escape around the corner. Katrina watches him leave with a worried expression and as she turns back to Rosalind she sees her frantically running her hand over face through her curly tresses.

“I’m so sorry for my sisters behavior. Delphina has been taking this extremely hard. Her and Delores have always been close and practically best friends. So the news has hit her the hardest. I know deep down she understand Delores’ death was unpredictable for both of you but she’s always been the type to lash out when she’s upset even at those who don’t deserve it.”

“It’s okay. We understand that people grieve differently.”

“Well, Delphina isn’t a child anymore. She’s an adult and her words have consequences and she can’t continue to verbally attack others when she’s hurt. So on behalf on her, I’m sorry to you and Dr. Ramsey. And behalf of us all thank you for all that you did for the Hudson family. Will you carry the message?”

“Of course. Have a good evening, Rosalind.”

“You too, Dr. Michaels.”

She leaves in search of her sister. Leaving Katrina to herself she tries to shake off the ball of guilt that building inside her and instead does over to look at the peaceful baby that’s still sleeping one last time before she leaves for the night. She walks over and watches as baby Ethan cuddles next to his stuffed frog. Tears form in her eyes and she blinks to keep them at bay as she looks down at the child.

“You know you have two aunts here that I know love you very much and will take care of you when it’s time. You’re so strong, little tadpole. Your mama would be so proud of you. I...I wish I was able to keep her with you…”, her voice breaks off as a few tears roll down.

“I’m so sorry little one.”

Katrina lets a few tears slide down before wiping them away. Feeling a little lighter she smiles softly at the child before leaving to find Dr. Ramsey.

She walks through several hallway before finding herself in front of  Dr. Ramsey’s office door. She knocks.

“Dr. Ramsey it’s me. Can I come in?”

“Not tonight rookie. Your shift ended over an hour ago. Just go home.”

Sighing she speaks to herself

“Well he’s yelled at me so much that at this point it really has no effect now.”

Katrina ignoring what he said moments ago barges into his office shutting the door behind her and turns to face the man sitting behind desk. His chair is turned away from where she stands.

“Do you ever listen to orders, Rookie?” his voice comes out tired.

“Of course I do. But I’m off the clock.” she jokes lightly hoping he would open up to her.

“Even more reason why you should be home.”

“I can say the same about you. Didn’t you say you’re shift has ended?”

“I did, but at least I have an office to hide away in once my shift is over. You don’t. So goodnight Rookie, show yourself out.”

Annoyed at his stubbornness she stalks towards the desk so she’s next to his chair and swivels so he’s facing her. Her hands are placed on the each end of the arms of the chair as she leans down to meet his eye level.

“Delphina is wrong.”

Ethan keeps his eyes closed as he exhales and whispers,

“Katrina...just please leave me alone at the moment.”

“I know what she said hit a nerve. Hell, it struck me to the core too. But I can only imagine-

His gruff voice cuts her off.

“You asked  a week ago if it ever got easy? I never did answer your question. So I will now. Honestly...no. When your patients are your top priority it’s almost impossible not to make connections. You begin to care about these people and you vow to do everything in your power to keep them on this earth and…” he clears his throat as his eyelids lift to finally meet Katrina’s eyes. 

She leans  away from his chair and stands straight up as he continues on.

“...and sometimes it isn’t good enough. I said grieving each life you lose has value. It motivates you to appreciate life itself. However some days the guilt will settle in the pit of your stomach or the idealistic notion of saving them all will break in front of your eyes.”

He stops to breathe. Katrina watches as he opens and closes his mouth pondering on how to form the next thing that’s going to leave his mouth. She moves to the side of his seat to gently place her hand onto his shoulder and her voice fills the empty air.

“The next night after Delores’ death, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t believe I lost my first patient so soon. Then I thought about you.

He looks up at hearing this.

“I thought how you lost a dear friend and how heartbreaking that was. And I thought how could someone not just throw in the towel or give in to the defeat. Then your words rang clear in my head. I knew in that moment  that Dr. Ethan Ramsey would honor her life by ensuring that every next patient would receive the best care that came your way.  That if you could move forward even after losing someone so dear then I could too. And you have. I’ve only been able to visit the tadpole every other day but I know that you’ve been with him everyday no matter your shift even on break. You go above and beyond.”

Her hand leaves his shoulder to squeeze his hand in support. She slowly rubs her thumb over his knuckles and a small shock of  electricity shoots through yet she ignores the butterflies that briefly form.

“I know and you know that we did all we could do. And no one can tell us otherwise.”

He gazes at their entwined hands before speaking again.

“I can’t tell you that these thoughts only happen once or twice, but as long as you’re in this profession this line of thinking will come and go. The key to it all is taking it each day at a time. Fighting until you know you’ve done all you can do and not measure yourself to unrealistic standard of saving them all but to the standard of saving as many lives as I can.”

Returning his focus to Katrina he says softly.

“For a brief moment, Delphina reminded me that I wasn’t good enough. That I did not do enough to save one of the few people I called a friend. A part of me agrees with her and the other knows the truth.”

A small small forms at the corner of his mouth.

“Thank you, Katrina. For being apart of this process every step of the way. Especially earlier. I cannot express my gratitude any further.” 

Katrina smiles and looks down at  their still entwined hands and gives a reassuring finally squeeze.

“Of course. Like you said, we can only take it one day at a time.”