#ipad (low cost)

[navramanan]

humanity regressed when company's stopped putting sd card slots and earbud plugs into newer devices

[hanrovio]

Christmas magic is invisible

You don’t see it. You hear it. You feel it in your heart.

Hanrovio Magical Keyboard is visible.

You touch it. You use it. You see the magic with your eyes.

Santa Claus will appear magically in your house

Hanrovio Magical Keyboard will show up magically under your Christmas tree

Let’s believe in the magic of season with

www.hanrovio.com

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Scaredy-Shroom

Debut: Plants vs. Zombies

Here is Scaredy-Shroom! A very humble fellow, who I love very much. Scaredy-Shroom is scared, as you likely know. He is frightened, uncomfortable in the given situation. And as someone easily scared, I can relate to this! Especially when I was younger and even more easily scared! When I first heard about Plants vs. Zombies, I thought "Zombies? I don't want to see that!" and assumed it had to be a Scary Game. And now kids are growing up as Scary Freddy The Scare Bear fans. I would not have done well as an iPad Kid. BUT ANYWAY!

Scaredy-Shroom may be scared. But he is courageous! Arguably. I don't think he would be fighting zombies if he was not planted by the player. But he's here, and he does a good job, even if he is scared! I am proud of him. He has a low sun cost, respectable damage, and infinite range! He DOES cower under his cap if zombies are too close, but it is a small setback, and you owe it to him to keep him feeling safe, after all he's done for you!

While he does a good job at night, there is really no point to using Scaredy-Shroom during the day. He'll be asleep, so you'll need to use Coffee Bean to wake him up, and at that point you've spent as much as you would have on a Peashooter! And Peashooter does not cower and stop shooting at any point! I think this is okay, though. Scaredy-Schroom doesn't need to be a miracle worker. He is very stressed and needs his sleep. Look, his cap is even shaped like a pointed sleeping cap, a little! He is so cute.

Have you heard the news? It's part of why I'm making this post! Scaredy-Shroom was NOT in PvZ2 for a very long time, but just recently, after about 10 years, was added back! At first, I was hesitant about the slight redesign, specifically the cap. This is no longer a pointed hat, but instead has a jagged, seemingly broken bottom! I really do wonder if this was intentional, or a misinterpretation of the original design. Oh well! I have decided I like it, and looking kind of disheveled fits his character! He doesn't have arms to do it with, but it makes me think of him rubbing or picking at his cap when nervous, like I fiddle with my hair. He's just like me!

So? Was Scaredy-Shroom's big return worth the wait?

No, it was not! Scaredy-Shroom is, simply, just Not That Good. In the first game's night levels, he is good! He has his use and the game is built around that! But in 2, an unbalanced game with even more difficult zombies, as well as a steady stream of new and extremely powerful plants being added, he just does not have what it takes. They DID give him extra defense when hiding, but it's really not nearly enough. Indeed, Scaredy-Shroom in PvZ2 is not very good.

And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Like I've been saying, Scaredy-Shroom is, in the first game, useful in some levels, and nearly useless in others. He isn't SUPPOSED to be overpowered, or even strong! If he was, that wouldn't be Scaredy-Shroom! I can understand people being disappointed with his weakness in 2, but as someone who no longer plays it, I'm just happy to see him finally in a game again, and with a neat new design. Ideally, he would have been in the base game with campaign levels designed for his strengths, but it is too late for that.

In a way, it's good that he probably won't get used much. It gives him time to relax. I'll just let Scaredy-Shroom speak for himself here:

"How did I get talked into this? I wish I was at home."

[dagwolf]

Recent viral images of Southwest agents getting yelled at and crying have resurfaced a valuable lesson about the nature of our economic system that’s worth examining this holiday season: the deliberate, built-in ways corporate “customer service” is set up to not only shield those on the top of the ladder—executives, vice presidents, large shareholders—but pit low-wage workers against each other in an inherently antagonistic relationship marked by powerlessness and frustration. It’s a dynamic we discussed in “Episode 118: The Snitch Economy—How Rating Apps and Tipping Pit Working People Against Each Other,” of the Citations Needed podcast I co-host, but I feel ought to be expanded on in light of recent events. Watching video after video, reading tweet after tweet, describing frustrated stranded holiday travelers yelling at Southwest Airlines workers, and hearing, in turn, accounts of airline workers and airport staff breaking down crying, is a good opportunity to talk about how none of this is natural or inevitable. It is a choice, both in corporate policy and government regulation. 

There are three main ways capital pits workers against each other in the relationship we call “customer service”:

1. Snitch economy. As discussed in Citations Needed Ep. 118, we are provided with more and more apps, websites, and customer surveys to effectively do the job of managing for management—free of charge, of course. Under the auspices of “empowering” the consumer, we are told to spy on our low-wage servants and gauge the quality of their servitude with stars, tips, and reviews. Uber, DoorDash, Fiver, Grubhub—a new “gig economy” has emerged that not only misclassifies workers as freelancers to pay them less, but hands over the reins of management to the consumer directly. This necessarily increases the antagonism between working-class consumers and the workers they are snitching on. 

2. Automation. Increasingly, even getting to the bottom rung employee to yell at is difficult. Under the thin pretense of Covid, increased labor power has exploded the use of automated technology that creates a frustrating maze to get a simple problem solved or task accomplished. Don’t go to the register, instead download the app and order. Scan the QR code, don’t wait on hold, go to our website and engage a series of automated prompts and maybe you can solve your problem. More and more consumers are being pushed away from humans onto automated systems we are told will “save us time,” but instead exist solely to save the corporation labor costs. So, by the time the average consumer does finally work their way to seeing a human, they are annoyed, frustrated, and angry at this faceless entity and more willing to take it out on someone making $13 an hour. 

One recent visit to Houston’s George H.W. Bush airport portended our obnoxious “automated” future. To cut down on unionized airport labor, all the restaurants use QR codes and require you to order food and drinks for yourself. Per usual, it’s sold as an exciting new technology that’s somehow good for consumers, but really the basic technology is 30 years old. It’s just a screen—the same ones restaurants have had for decades. The only thing that’s changed is the social conditioning of having you do all your own ordering and menu navigation. The waiter hasn’t been replaced by an iPad, they’ve been replaced by you. Invariably, it’s clunky and annoying and reduces the union jobs that airport construction is said to provide to justify soliciting public dollars. The only winner is a faceless corporation with a Delaware LLC and its shareholders living in a few counties in Connecticut and Texas.

Automation not only annoys and adds labor burdens to the customer, there is also evidence that it is a significant contributor to income inequality. A November 2022 study published in the journal Econometrica looked at the significantly widening income gap between lesser and more educated workers over the past 40 years. It found that ​​“automation accounts for more than half of that increase,” as summarized by MIT News. “This single one variable … explains 50 to 70 percent of the changes or variation between group inequality from 1980 to about 2016,” said MIT economist Daron Acemoglu, co-author of the study. Whether or not, under a different economic system, automation could be a force for good is a debate for another day. But what is clear is that, while both consumers and workers are harmed by this trend, there is a significant want of solidarity between them. 

3. Deliberate understaffing. This is a major culprit in this week’s Southwest Airlines meltdown. In parallel with the increased use of forced automation, cost-cutting corporations, facing increased labor power, are gutting staffing to its bare bones and hoping their corporate competitors doing the same will lead to a shift in consumer’s willingness to put up with substandard service and conditions, and overall bullshit. “We apologize for the wait,” the automated phone prompt tells us. Of course a machine cannot be contrite, so the effect is both surreal and grating: You’re not fucking sorry, you don’t exist. You're a recording. But now, who am I yelling at? 

...

[sephiroths-stuff]

This is a blurb of writing based on angsty af hand drawn art I made waiting for me to be able to afford copay for a new iPad because mine was stolen. It's an AU where Sephiroth was neutralized in Nibelheim by Shinra and was taken back to Hojo and he briefly comes back to himself after being basically rabid for a bit And it's low-key distressing how it ends I'm so sorry. Enjoy there's fanart at the end I drew.

"Well, Hojo, when you're done playing with your little failed experiment here, you can come back to the real work Shinra has for you to do. Let us know when you're ready." President Shinra's voice dripped with venom as he spoke to Hojo, standing in front of the closed doors of his lab.

"We had such high hopes for him. It's a pity he chose to just... burn it all down in one fell swoop like that." Hojo shook his head. He really was sorry about that. For all that he may not have been the most nurturing mentor and parental figure to his charge, he had never wanted it to end like this. With him, Hojo, being seen as a failure.

Sephiroth had been his rising star. The thing that would bring him his fame, his glory. He would have brought him prestige and power within Shinra, had that damned child just kept his head on straight and quit asking about his twice-damned mother! He clenched his teeth, through President Shinra's dronings on and on about responsibility and how he couldn't just 'play with his broken toys forever' and how he needed to 'move on' to bigger and brighter things eventually.

"Do you understand me... Professor?" President Shinra asked, his voice tinged with the veiled threat of termination, should Hojo fail him once more.

"Of course, President. I thank you for being so understanding of this... Oh so unfortunate mishap. I do need to be going. Perhaps... better understanding why this happened will prevent any other men of ours from defecting in the future. Angeal Hewley... Zackary Fair... Genesis Rhapsodos... And now him? Such a tragedy."

President Shinra could tell Hojo was not being fully honest, but clearly could not assertain exactly how and seemed to know not to push it further. He grunted and walked out of the R&D labs department area with his bodyguards tailing him menacingly.

Hojo waited until the President was securely on the elevator and well out of earshot before rubbing his hands together with a vicious sneer on his face. "Now, it is my chance to get back at you, boy, for all you've cost me and my research."

He strode into the lab and punched in a code at a back door at the anterior of the lab to enter a high security room. Inside the room was Sephiroth. But he was not the same. No, instead of the proud, stoic, hero of Shinra, Demon of Wutai that Hojo had crafted from infancy, there was a raging fury.

Inside a heavily reinforced container more fit for shipping monsters than people, Sephiroth was heavily sedated, heavily restrained, and still he was relentlessly trying to escape, eyes wild and full of unrelenting anger.

"YOU! YOU DID THIS! YOU HID HER FROM ME!" He screamed as Hojo came into his sightline. His normally impeccably groomed hair was tangled and unkempt, strung around his body in matted swaths.

"And whom would you be talking about, Sephiroth?" Hojo asked, calmly, as if he were merely talking about the weather. He knew. He knew exactly who. Jenova.

"My mother, you bastard! Bring her BACK!" He gave out an anguished howl, and he shook the container once more. Despite his arms and hands being bound behind him in a metal uniglove made of enhanced material and his legs and feet being bound in similarly strong cuffs, he was still capable of thrashing around a bit, and the force with which he did so shook the container.

"Do you mean Jenova? Because you are never seeing what you saw out there again, Sephiroth. That was a mistake I don't intend to make again. You have been a very bad boy, and you've made a fool out of both yourself and me!" Hojo scolded him like a child who had been naughty, his tone meant to mock and cut. As if it mattered. He wondered how much of the original Sephiroth there was left within this maddened man.

The wailing stopped. "No." A husky voice emanated from Sephiroth, hoarse from the screaming and vocal protests to Hojo's recent, repeated violations of his personal autonomy. "I mean... the woman... from when I was young. Jenova... She is... Wrong." His voice had less anger to it, and so much more grief.

That stopped Hojo in his tracks. Long ago, when Sephiroth had not yet seen war, for a birthday gift, he had given the child a locket with a picture of the boy's actual mother, Lucretia Crescent in it. He had told him her name was Jenova, a lie of course, but young Sephiroth, gullible and aiming to please, had believed him.

He realized now that Sephiroth must have realized he had been lied to. The remnants of Jenova in the Nibelheim manor looked nothing like Lucretia, what little the scientist remembered of her. He frowned. "Do you mean the woman in the locket, Sephiroth? Because, similarly, you will never see her either!"

Sephiroth's eyes grew wide with horror and anger commingled in their gaze. "You're wrong! I know you are! You know where she is! You had her picture! Tell me where she is, Hojo!"

"That's enough out of you! Go to sleep now. You won't remember any of this later. Or ever. You will never be a bother to me about her again. Because in the end, I will create what I sought to, and you will be little more than a memory of a failure."

Hojo pulled a lever and gas was injected into the container that permeated the box with heavy sedating chemicals mixed with an anti-Mako medication designed to cure people of Mako poisoning. This medication was going to be part of how Hojo kept Sephiroth sedated and helpless for the rest of his life.

Sephiroth slumped forward after trying in futility to resist for several minutes, and the rest was history. Hojo had some of his most trusted assistants, sworn to secrecy, take his body and rig him up in a stasis tube and fill it with a blend of anti-Mako infusions meant to be taken through the skin and the necessary liquids to keep him afloat. His hands and feet were set in restraints with his legs spread wide and his arms crossing his chest. A mask was put over his mouth so he wouldn't suffocate and a tube was put in his mouth for his nutrients and breathing. And that's where he'd stay until his body deteriorated. Nothing more than Hojo's lab decoration. A memory of Shinra's greatest failure.

[blobbei-art]

"I should get into blender"

Many artists often joke about this.

But honestly, please don't force yourself to do it or think that this is the best way to getting better at 2D art. 3D is its own, very huge, complex and confusing medium of art with a high learning curve. You can easily get frustrated at the start. There's plenty of other ways to use 3D tools to help you.

But if you're scared and still looking to break into it here's some ideas you can do to start small and/or use it to help with your 2D art:

If you just want to model objects for you to trace/use as references: -> Basic lowpoly modelling is enough, especially if you just wanna get a background perspective right. Get some cubes, extrude faces and move around their faces/edges/verts. -> Alternatively, go to sketchfab and look for models, get it into position, screenshot and trace it. No modelling needed. -> Learn how to block out scenes or characters!

If you want to make characters: -> Learn 3D Sculpting! It's a lot more intuitive for a 2D artist. Blender has a sculpting feature. There's also NomadSculpt on iPad but it costs a little money. -> Also helps immensely with anatomy practise! Look up some anatomy references and really work out the details by blocking out the shapes of muscles. -> You can also do other props with sculpting, it's called Hard Surface but it's more difficult to do than organic shapes.

The infamous Blender Donut tutorial: -> This may be subjective but I've seen many 3D artists actually recommend against doing the Blender Donut. It doesn't cover all of the basics. -> Look for tutorials that aren't Blender Guru. You could also just look up individual steps such as "blender lowpoly modelling" or whatever. -> There are multiple ways to start out with a model. I personally like to do lowpoly (also known as low-to-high workflow) without using the subdivision modifier. Find something that's right for you!

3D taught me a ton about art and did make my 2D art improve. But I also do it because it's fun on its own. Don't think you have to do it. You're doing fine.

Also these are just ideas, i am not a professional. I'm simply going off from my own and other art students' experiences.

If you do try it, i wish you good luck and have fun!

[l00106]

Was wondering if often/have used acrylics/watercolours?? Only asking as I absolutely love your textures and was first convinced your artworks were all done in a traditional medium?

Regardless, your artwork is a feast for the eyes, absolutely love

I think all artists have had some points of trying w all mediums on their art journey….

Bfr i have ipad i did use gouache… tried watercolor but i was impatient waiting for it to dry and just dont fw it in general (i think bcs mine was cheap and have low quality 💀)

Then i tried acrylic but it dries so fast so i dont like it and tried oil at least… loved it so much BUT THE CHEMICALS AND THE SMELLS 💀👎🏻 yeah its not safe to paint in my room so i stopped traditional completely also bcs it cost a lot of investment/ money and where i live its kinda hard looking for the right quality of oils

[studywave]

PDF Readers: What Do You Want? What Do You Need?

Hey all! I promised a series of posts on resources that have helped me during undergrad, and I'm going to start with the basics: how to read your coursework. I'm going to tag a few people who mentioned being interested in this series, but please let me know if you'd like to be untagged!

@anyto @wocinstem @youneedtostudyives @studyblr-perhaps

Now, I'm an English major, so I can't speak on behalf of the sciences, but almost all of my course materials have been given to me in the form of PDFs. I also download almost all my research in PDF format, and when I find books for free online, they're usually PDFs. Clearly, this means I need some easy way to read and edit PDFs. Below the cut, you'll find information on how to choose a PDF reader that's right for you, as well as information on Xodo, my personal favorite reader.

What should you consider when choosing a PDF reader?

Well, first, there's cost. There are all kinds of PDF readers at all kinds of price points. Xodo, my favorite, is free. I've never used the paid version, because for my purposes, the free version is more than enough. Now, let's talk about those purposes.

As an English student, I'm mostly concerned with annotation. I want to be able to mark my documents up, highlight them, write on them, leave comments, all that good stuff. However, what I need might not be what you need. Do you need to sign a lot of documents? Do you need to build PDFs from scratch? Are you more concerned with appearance, or with functionality?

Once you've answered these questions, you'll be able to search online for reviews dealing with the specific kinds of functionality you need.

Why should you use Xodo?

Well, for starters, the free version has more than I will ever need. I can edit, I can annotate, I can sign, I can highlight. I can do pretty much anything my English major heart desires, and I can use my Apple pencil to do it (I'll make another post about ipads and Apple pencils and link it here once it's finished).

This screenshot shows a lot of my favorite parts of Xodo. I can highlight in different colors (I use green to make information on further reading stand out) and I can write (also in different colors) with my Apple pencil, all while scrolling and navigating with my hand. I don't have to constantly click back and forth between marking and scrolling like I do with some apps, and I can lay my hand on the screen without disturbing anything. This, the ability to confine the text marking to the pencil, is really important to me. I don't like to be constantly clicking around and making accidental marks.

I've also been able to read almost every PDF I've put on here without much trouble. Between the size of my ipad screen (which will be the subject of another post), the high resolution, and the ability to zoom and scroll at the same time, I can read even pretty low-quality PDFs with very little trouble.

You might also notice the little box with the "4" in it in the upper right corner. This indicates the number of tabs I have open because yes, you can have multiple tabs open in Xodo. I've had over ten tabs open at a time, some containing 300+ page documents, and I've never had lagging or glitching problems.

Here's a selection of other actions Xodo allows. I've never scanned anything to PDF using it, but if the rest of the app is anything to go by, it probably works just fine.

I've had the occasional problem with glitching (maybe once per every five hours of reading I do, if that) which usually just involves a section of the text going black and can be solved by closing and reopening the app. Closing and reopening is no problem, either, because Xodo saves your place.

All this to say, I've used Xodo for a little over a year now, and I have no complaints. I cannot recommend it highly enough, and I'm sure the paid version is even better. That's all for now. Happy reading!

[magz]

(Tumblr Post from July 15, 2024)

Affinity suite is 50% off in sale until August 15, 2024 and has extended free trial to be 6 months (previously 1 month).

Free trial includes Affinity Designer 2, Affinity Photo 2, and Affinity Publisher 2.

The "all software license" bundle (including iPad versions) can be purchased for $82.99usd on sale.

During the sale the PC/Mac apps individually cost $34.99, and iPad apps individually cost $9.29 (Affinity Pricing Page)

Each main version of Affinity software is so far just a 1-time purchase. Affinity suite is a competitor of Adobe suite, and was acquired by Canva. 

Compatible with MacOS, Windows, and IpadOS. (Though some have Affinity apps working Unofficially on GNU/Linux using "Wine" and "Bottles").

For context:

The sale and extended free trial for Affinity 2 Suite is happening at same time of Adobe's recent controversies. So this is likely taking advantage of the influx of former Adobe Suite users quitting Adobe products.

Adobe controversies include: (1) exorbitant hidden subscription cancellation fees, and difficulty in cancelling. (2) previous Terms of Service scrutinized for implying Adobe planned to collect and sell Adobe cloud suite users’ files and user data; as well as use their users' content (including NDA content) for image generation training with no opt-out option, creating further legal scrutiny.

The U.S. government and different organizations are suing Adobe for anti-consumer practices.

[acteur-dramatique]

Cart Full of Regret

In the swell of hypomania,

I feel invincible,

my finger hovering over "add to cart"

like it's the answer to everything

I cannot put into words.

Boxes arrive like gifts I gave myself --

handbags that shimmer in the designer light,

shoes that whisper of status,

another MacBook to join the fleet,

an iMac, and iPad Pro,

each one promise

that this time, this thing

will make me whole.

The packages pile u p,

trophies of a battle I don't remember choosing.

Each swipe of my card feels like medicine,

a dose of something sweet,

a rush of satisfaction --

and for a moment, I'm weightless,

soaring high on the thrill

of having more,

of owning things that shine.

But then, the descent.

The high fades, the boxes sit unopened,

and I crash into the emptiness left behind,

a sinking realization setting in my chest,

heavy as debt,

cold as the glow of unopened Apple screens.

I'm left with receipts,

stacks of dollar signs glaring back at me,

a reminder of the spiral,

the financial wounds I've etched

into my own account.

The depressive swing pulls me under,

and I sit in the dark,

staring at the things I thought I needed,

a fleet of devices, bags, shoes

the mock me now,

fiscally useless,

emotionally hollow.

I want to return the feeling,

to send back the regret,

to undo the cycle that has

unraveled me.

But it's always there,

this loop of highs and lows,

a cycle I wear like a shackle,

each phrase a link in the chain

that keeps me swinging

from bliss to remorse.

I count the cost in more than dollars,

in days lost to regret,

in sleepless nights,

wondering when the need to feel whole

will let me go.

[trickstarbrave]

listen. digital art is more accessible than ever. you can find a wealth of advanced art programs for free or very affordably. you can pirate software very reliably too if you dont want to pay. you can find and use 3d models or brushes or textures that can be free or extremely low cost. you can sculpt in 3d for free if you fucking want. if you want to you can get a pen for your existing ipad and churn out professional quality artwork. you can buy a drawing tablet for 30 dollars. there really is no need to turn to AI art to make digital art under the guise of "it's more accessible"

"but some people might not HAVE 30 dollars to buy a tablet" okay well. you have to either fork over hundreds of dollars for a powerful enough GPU to run a stable diffusion model locally and deal with the hassle of it (lol ppl dont recommend this for a reason) or fork over for a subscription service to a tech bro who runs his own model and can spit out art for you. or rent gpu if you for some reason are determined to run the model yourself and suffer. and honestly a 30 dollar tablet seems like a much more achievable goal than an intensive gpu or would save you more money in the long run.

"but i dont know how to draw" i am entirely self taught. there is a wealth of information for free online that will give you an easier time to learn than i had. if you save up a little bit more money you can take professional level courses online whenever you want too if being self taught is too daunting of a task.

"but i dont have a computer or an ipad" steal art supplies then and go traditional babey

"but im disabled" i am disabled and chronically ill and i dont mean to speak for every single disabled person ever but. you would be surprised at what you can do if you are willing to work for it. im sure some disabled people cannot draw at all and never will be able to. but the assumption that all artists are high energy, able bodied, and wealthy is a really ridiculous assumption to make. a bunch of us are chronically ill, disabled, and broke.

"but i dont fucking want to learn how to draw i just want art" then it's not an accessibility issue stop trying to moralize you using a diffusion model. you're doing it bc you want to.

[steampunkforever]

Ok you have to admit that-- prohibitive disabilities aside --Car Centric Cities don't seem so bad to the urban planners of 50 years ago when a used automobile could be had for $100 if you didn't care about paint, you could nab a driver's license as early as 14, and Nuclear energy is supposed to save the world if Nuclear weapons don't end it first, and you could buy a house with a part time job.

Even 30 years ago kids were swapping iconic muscle cars for insanely low prices. I know a guy who alleges he got a mint 71 Superbee for $65 back in the 80s, and considering that a $90k piece of classic detroit iron was considered about as unique as an 02 Honda Civic back then, I believe him. Even if the car-centric city was at that point not ideal, the barrier to entry for 4-wheeled freedom was insanely low.

The modern generations of children trapped in suburban prisons don't live in places designed to trap them, they live in houses designed for a less-sustainable time when kids as old as the iPad babies of today were handed the keys to a V8 on Bias Ply's and told to be home by supper.

The fact that a new economy car today costs the same as a house back then isn't something they could've foreseen the same way that the desolate shopping district by my house couldn't have foreseen the removal of the trolley tracks that once fed it a steady stream of commerce.

Car focused cities were always flawed but they used to be much easier to live in

[hanrovio]

There are more mobile phones than people on Earth in 2022, making phone cases become must-have accessory. But, how to produce a phone case? We had talked about the leather materials in the previous video, so we gonna talk about the injection molding today. Injection molding is a manufacturing process for producing parts by injecting material into a mold. Have you seen before the injection mold and the machine? Let’s break into the workshop with Hanrovio now!

www.hanrovio.com

[the-great-horse-cocktail]

one of my friends asked me to write a fic abt him, so here I go

Contains: YouTuber Linus Tech Tips; A Highly requested God of War reference; Tentacles (non-sexual); Brief Explicit Reference to an iPad (but imo not enough to bar it from gen fic status)

@dildoboi69420 this one’s for you

Madness had always seemed such a slow thing to you. Like a parasite that festered under your skin, chewing at your nerves until all you could feel was a jumbled up stew of your worst emotions, set to a low simmer for 3 hours. You hadn’t expected to go so quick—for all your nerves to snap at once and send you down. Yet there you were.

It had seemed so simple. All you’d needed to do was jailbreak your new iPad, and you’d be free to fidget with the iOS to your little goblin heart’s content. And being the alpha sigma gigachad programmer that you were, you’d thought it would be easy. It was only two hours, three hormonal enhancers, and one new mental illness later that you realized the extent of your hubris.

They say that when you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. What they had neglected to tell you was how. Were you expected to scale your way to salvation with nothing but your own shriveled up bean brain to aid you? No, there was no escaping it. You would either finish what you’d started, or you would die, here, devoid of courage, bitches, and a shiny iOS to play with. But how? How did you expect to succeed where greater men had failed? You would need more: more than your wits, your guts, your coccyx. More than any man could muster. A simple hero would not do—you needed a god.

And so, in the face of a task too great for Heracles himself, you spat and cried out “Bye Felicia!” before promptly partaking in the time-honored tradition of paying someone else do it for you. Although in this case, you’d be using a more unconventional currency.

“LINUUUSSSSSS TECH TIPS, YOU BEAUTIFUL WAIF OF A MAN, PRETTY PLEASE JAILBREAK MY IPAD, AND MY LIFE WILL BE YOUURS!”

As soon as you had spoken, you began to hear royalty-free music playing in the distance. You didn’t dare move, didn’t even breathe, afraid that the smallest motion would undo the ritual. The music grew louder, its corporate approved beat quickening to the tempo of your pulse. Faster and faster until it seemed like the air was about to burst. Then, in a professionally edited transition, he appeared. He had a look that could only be described as gentrifier elf core: grey sweats, small, silver earrings, and brown hair no doubt tousled with product that cost more than your phone, giving him a ‘just got out of bed look.’ [Which, in all fairness, was a pretty effective way of convincing people you slept.] In middle school, he had definitely told people that his father worked at Epic Games, or whatever the Millennial equivalent of that was. Oh, and there were like ten tentacles sticking cut of his back.

You fell to your knees, awe-struck by his godly aura and twinkish beauty. “Mr. Tech Tips, I’m honored—truly honored—to be in the presence of such a—”

“Hey kid, that’s really nice and all, but I’m on a schedule. You’re lucky I was able to swing this. You got the iPad?”

You managed a shaky nod, and handed it off to him. As soon as he touched it, he began to glow. Molten gold ran through his veins, so bright it might’ve blinded you, had you not possessed the superior eyesight of a Gamer. When the light reached his eyes, his feet left the ground, tentacles waving every which way. The iPad took on his hue. He cried ichor. And so it was done.

“Now try it,” Linus said, handing you the iPad. It was warm, like a freshly baked brownie that had been sitting out for a bit. You opened it and nearly gasped. There was the iOS, laid out before you, naked. Vulnerable. Yours to deflower.

You let out a “thank you,” voice cracking as tears land on the grooves of your already-cracked screen. “I never thought that I would—this is. . . Wow. I can’t believe—”

“Okay,” Linus interrupted. “Now that your life is mine and all that, I’ve got something for you do.”

You nodded vigorously, your skull shaking like a maraca. “Anything, my king.”

“I need you to kill Neal Mohan in my name and make me the supreme god king of YouTube forever.”

The end. Like for Part 2

[chaos64sprinkles]

Buying important things on the internet! (Short)

04/23/24 3:15pm

N-Slash-A: Hey Sprinkles, I want to ask you something?

Sprinkles: Tell Slash what do you want?

N-Slash-A: Did you know about a flying technology that films the entire world to see what's going on outside, where we could spy on any corner or even travel to another place to see a big city up close!

Sprinkles: That's a great, great idea Slash and this thing is called a drone, which is a flying technology used a lot nowadays to represent the world, but before I buy it, first I have to buy those intellectual headphones to make the our owners or a person in front of us understand what we are saying to them, it costs about 75 dollars but let's click here and just wait, wait, wait and that's it, the delivery comes straight here!

N-Slash-A: Right, now the drone, because we really need it to be able to spy on these people who are on this Ilhasona to find out what they are doing or coming up with something!

Sprinkles: Okay, I thought, is this the type of drone you prefer?

N-Slash-A: Yeah, that one right there!

Sprinkles: So let's buy it, hmmmm, slash it costs twice as much as 70 dollars, are you sure you don't want to exchange it?

N-Slash-A: No, it's just that you know what it is, it's because he also explained that it comes with a lot of battery packs, that's why it's so expensive!

Sprinkles: So, let's buy it, it's loading, loading, loading, ready, it's already delivered, now we just have to wait!

N-Slash-A: When will sprinkles actually arrive, will it take long?

Sprinkles: I believe they are trying to find the distant place we are living in now, as it will be more difficult than they think!

''Delivery box lands at cave entrance!''

N-Slash-A: Look who owns that box out there!

Sprinkles: Let's see! Let's open it here! Hmmmm, great! Here, take it.

N-Slash-A: And why isn't this working properly?

Sprinkles: It's not because of the battery, it only works when you get close to someone to get in touch with them, including our owners!

N-Slash-A: Then that didn't do any good!

Sprinkles: Of course it works, we're just not going to use it now because there's no one normal here in this jungle to contact her, better save that for later!

N-Slash-A: What about the drone we bought, how long will it take?

Sprinkles: Ah Slash, I think since they just delivered my first order, it might take them a while to deliver the other one as they're just starting to assemble…Oops!

N-Slash-A: Wow, still parachuting, cool cool cool cool! I'm going to jump in, hmmm, here, cool! Oh, and it still flies as if it didn't even need any power to control it!

Sprinkles: Huh, wait a minute slash, first we need to read the instruction manual to see how this drone works, hmm let's see, first you have to put the battery in it!

N-Slash-A: I don't think it's necessary because I think the delivery producers put it before, if you believe it, see the folder open next to the others!

Sprinkles: That's right, then turn on the remote control with the iPad using the top button.

N-Slash-A: I already called!

Sprinkles: And explore as long as you want, but come back when your battery is running low!

N-Slash-A: That's cool, now we can do whatever we want with this drone, I'm so excited about it!

Sprinkles: Slash! Don't leave here now, we need to test more methods on how to use the drone with great caution, as you never know what could happen to it!

N-Slash-A: Okay.

Sprinkles: Hey, can you see what's going on there?

N-Slash-A: I'm spinning like crazy here, I can only see the forest from below, I can also see that indigenous tribe from afar and I can also see that hole where that skull that was carrying the anvil, It must be their house and here there are several buttons to press that I don't use for…

''Drone shows its catching skills''

N-Slash-A: Look, how cool, I'm getting really excited about this drone, it's the best purchase I've ever bought in my life, hooooraaaay…

Sprinkles: Be careful Slash, this excitement will end up breaking you!

N-Slash-A: Oops! I need to control myself after this…

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