#into spaced where my i am meant to protected from males

[i-used-to-be-an-anti-feminist]

You can read one book and identify as a bookworm. You can see yourself as someone who loves books, and you can ask other people to refer to you as a bookworm. If someone who reads two books a day spends time with you and observes that you only watch movies, they may think you aren't a real lover of books, at least not in the same way they are. They may (out of courtesy to you) continue to affirm you are a bookworm by referring to you as one, but that does not change how they actually perceive you or what you actually are.

A female can dislike her breasts and identify as someone without breasts. She can have her breasts surgically removed, and have others participate in her identity as a breastless woman by observing that she does not have breasts and referring to her as such. However, she has not changed the material reality that she is someone who grows breasts, or she would not have needed to remove them in the first place.

A man can make observations about women's behavior and identify with them. He can then transition into the socially expected affectations of womanhood. He can wear clothes typically worn by women, he can adopt stereotypically feminine behaviors, and he can even alter his body such that external observers may not always identify that he is male. External observers may (out of courtesy for him or a genuine belief that he is female) refer to him as a woman. However, this does not change their genuine perception of his maleness, nor the material reality that he is male. While it is possible to identify with gender (which is a set of behaviors typically assigned to one's sex) it is physically impossible to identify out of one's actual sex. Males can become transwomen, but they can never become female, or they would be female and would not by definition have needed to transition.

This fact does not make transwomen less worthy of respect, human rights, bodily autonomy, adequate healthcare, or freedom from harassment. But it does not grant them the right to demand that others participate in a lie that they are female. It does not grant them universal access to spaces reserved for females, nor does it grant them the right to shame or police a female's personal observations and preferences. Transgender individuals deserve to be treated with kindness, courtesy, and human dignity, but they do not deserve to be treated like gods.

[angiesmagicspace]

Only look, don't touch

Pairing: Seonghwa x reader x Mingi x San

Genre: smut, fluff

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: name-calling, threesome, grinding, toys, degradation, praise, oral (male receiving), squirt, orgasm denial…….

Summary: You belong to him, everyone knows that you like that. But something about testing his patience and subtly offering yourself to his friends seems more thrilling. Sadly for you, he already knows how to fix that.

Masterlist

Authors note: Here I am back from the dead, uni is killing my will to live, so yeah. Also, here's the toy that is used in the fic.

Seonghwa wasn't obsessive but possessive, sure. He liked for people to respect and take care of his belongings. That especially applied to you, he was fine with members taking care of you when you weren't well and on similar occasions. But he had limits to that, one wrong look from any of them, and your neck would be full of his marks the next day. You liked that mentality, you knew that you were his, and he would do anything to protect you from anyone. However, that also gave you a lot of space to test his patience. Wearing promiscuous outfits around the members and in the dorms was one of your favorite forms of entertainment. Seonghwa would stare them down, shooting arrows by looking at them, and that would be enough for all of them to feel threatened.

The boys just came back from the tour and that meant a lot of time spent catching up with everyone. Especially with your boyfriend and his dorm mates, San and Mingi. After a few days of just chilling around and listening to their stories, you thought that it was the perfect time to test Seonghwa's patience again. You two haven't had a lot of time for intimate moments, so your plan made sense. By provoking him, you would ensure that he blows your mind the moment you two are alone at the apartment. 

Day one of your devious plans consisted of you just walking around in the tiniest top and tightest sweats you had. Making breakfast for all four of you, while three of them sat at the counter behind you. This was already driving Seonghwa crazy, every time San or Mingi looked up he would stare at them like he had lasers in his eyes. They felt his eyes on them very well, so they tried their best to keep looking at the pattern of marble on the counter. After breakfast, all of you sat in the living room, either watching the movie that was on or just scrolling on your phones. But that didn't mean that your plan stops at your outfit. You talked to San about some clothes while making sure that you were touching him very innocently, but your boyfriend knew that those touches weren't innocent at all. After lunch, it was apparent that your plan already made Seonghwa see red. So that's where you stopped but only for today.

Day two meant that you needed to get more progressive. Usually, you would be wobbling after just one day of provoking him, but that wasn't the case this time. So today your outfit consisted of the smallest pajamas you could find, coincidentally those pajamas were bought by your lovely boyfriend with your promise that he could rip them off you. As soon as he saw you in them, he knew that this would be a long day. Neither San nor Mingi could contain themselves, even though they knew that Seonghwa would probably kill them if it wasn't for their friendship and job. You made sure to make as much contact with both boys today. Chatting with them while they played some games in the living room, putting your legs over theirs while they played, encouraging them to stroke your soft thighs in the short breaks between the matches. Even when Seonghwa wasn't in your sight, you knew that he was clenching his fists to the point where his nails were making small bruises on his hands. But unbeknownst to you, he already made a plan how to get back at you for acting like a brat. He already knew that you were fine with being watched and that you were fine with someone joining your sexual experience. So he had a perfect plan involving one more thing, but you will find out about it tomorrow.

You were sure that yesterday would make Seonghwa lose his mind enough, so he would fuck you, but you were very wrong. Being separated for a long time probably taught him to control himself better. But your plan wasn't over, today should be the final straw for him. Entering the kitchen with only a silk bathrobe on should do the trick. All three of them were talking before you entered, taking their attention away from the conversation. As soon as they saw you, Mingi and San looked back down at the table, Seonghwa on the other hand just smirked. Sadly for you, there were some errands you needed to run today, so there wasn't much space for you to tempt the boys. But Seonghwa used that time wisely. He proposes to his dear friends that they join you two in some very sinful acts. He also used that time to clean the tentacle-like grinder that he bought for you. Then he strapped it on one of the coffee table books that you had in the living room, arranging everything to be perfect for when you came back.

You didn't know what were you expecting to see when you came back to the dorms, but the setting before you wasn't anywhere in your mind. There they were, all three of them shirtless, on the couch with their legs spread, the coffee table pushed back with something pink on top of the books. Seonghwa looked at you, and you gave him a very puzzled look. “Oh, honey, you are home,” he commented, bringing the attention of the other two. You just stood there frozen, this whole picture was too much to process. Three half-naked men right in front of you seem more like porn than your living room. “Hi princess,” San smiled, which brought you out of your trans a little. “H-hi guys, what is all of this?” you questioned while slowly moving toward the middle of the living room. “Oh well, Seonghwa told us that he needs some help dealing with you, so we were glad to help him,” Mingi explains, but none of it made sense. You looked at Seonghwa, but he just sat there, legs spread, his lips spread in a smirk. “Well, baby, I saw how needy you are for some attention. So I figured the three of us could satisfy your needy cunt,” his words echoed around the room and went straight to your pussy instead of your brain. “So baby, take off your clothes and start the show,” your boyfriend ordered, but you just stood there frozen again.

“What is it, baby? Shocked that you finally got what you wanted,” Seonghwa asked again, but still no words left your mouth. He leaned over and whispered something to San. “No worries' princess. I will help you to undress yourself. Seonghwa wants to see it,” San said, slowly approaching you. When he was right in front of you, first, he kissed your neck while unbuttoning your pants. His kisses made you relax a bit, closing your eyes, you threw your head back to give him more space for sloppy kisses. “Look at my little slut, as soon as someone even kisses her, she is gone stupid. Nothing but dick inside her little mind,” your boyfriend's words rang through your ears as San took off your shirt and bra, leaving you only in your panties. “She is so beautiful Seonghwa, I can't believe that you are letting us see her like this,” Mingi was already breathless, stroking his long dick over his sweats. “Well, that is what she wants. I got to make my sluts wish come true,” Seonghwa shot back, equally breathless.

 San kissed you one last time before pulling away and going back to his seat on the couch. You let out a little whine, already feeling neglected. “Now, slut, no need to whine so early. Take off those nasty wet panties and straddle your new toy that's on the table,” Seonghwas ordered, his voice powerful enough to make you do anything without questioning it for a second. After taking off your panties, you went to the table, observing the toy that was strapped to the book. That's when you realized that it was the tentacle grinder that you showed Seonghwa. “Well slut, I guess you are getting a gift even though you were acting like a brat for the past three days,” Seonghwa commented, while you were struggling to straddle the toy. When you finally positioned yourself on the toy, you looked up, realizing the position you were in. Three of them stroking their dicks, while you just sat there naked and horny out of your mind. “Princess, don't make us wait anymore. I can't wait to see you play with yourself and hear you moan for us,” San's voice was desperate, he wanted to witness your pleasure. “Start grinding slut or there will be no cumming for you tonight,” Seonghwa was stern. With slow movement of your hips, you started grinding on the toy. Feeling every ridge on it, you went faster with every passing second. “Oh Seonghwa, she is a slut for you. Make her play with her boobs please,” Mingi begged, already edging himself, not wanting to cum too soon. “You heard the man, slut,” the moment you heard his voice you grabbed both of your boobs, massaging them. Your moans were louder with every move of your hips, chasing your pleasure, that felt like it ran every time you got close. “Princess, you are so beautiful like this, all whiny and desperate to cum,” San already pulled his dick out squeezing it, making your mouth water when you saw it.

When your moans started being more erotic, it was a cue for Seonghwa to stop you there. “Stop slut,” he yelled almost, making you stop immediately in fear that he will make you suffer if you don't. “Oh, look who suddenly decided to be a good girl,” he approached you, grabbing you by your chin, and making you stand up from the position you were in. “So desperate for some cock that you would whore yourself out to my friends,” he spat, making your whole body shiver while shaking your head. “Don't deny it, princess. Both of us saw you, and it was very hard to resist you,” you heard San whine behind Seonghwas's back. “Hear that slut, no one is oblivious to your little slut show,” Seonghwa cocked his head. “I'm sorry sir, I was so desperate for you. I wanted you to fuck me so hard that I can't think anymore,” apologizing won't work now but at least you tried like you do every time. “Oh slut, you know that I don't care about your apologies. Now go down on your knees in front of my friends and show them how sorry you are,” he let go of your chin, and you ran towards the couch.

 Dropping to your knees, opening your mouth, and offering it to both boys to use. Mingi was first to p let you suck him, while San stroked your boobs with the tip of his dick. Mingi didn't let you do anything, he grabbed your hair and started fucking your mouth at a vigorous pace. Only choking sounds were heard in the room. Not long after, he came down your throat, moaning in a high pitch in contrast to his low voice. He moved so San could have a taste of your mouth. He let you do your thing for a change, and you made sure to take all of him. Sucking his whole dick inside your mouth, while giving small licks to his tip. While you were focused on pleasuring San, Seonghwa took the opportunity to bring your hips up and slam his big, hard cock inside your wet pussy. “Let me help you with that slut,” he said before rocking his hips, making your body rock forward, so you took even more of Sans's dick. He continued the rough pace, bringing you closer to the one thing you craved the most, your orgasm. With Seonghwas's help, you made San cum even faster than he intended. That's when Seonghwa pulled you back by your hair, your back hitting his chest. “That's right slut, moan for me, scream my name,” every word brought you closer to the edge. Your final straw was when you felt his long fingers on your sensitive clit. Body spasming, thighs shaking, you squirted all over the floor and the front of the couch. That sight alone made Seonghwa cum so deep inside of you. He grabbed you by your hips and brought you to lie down on the couch. The other two boys were too far gone to notice what was going on between you two. “Is this what you wanted, baby?” Seonghwa asked while carefully cleaning you up. You just nodded, not able to form any words. “I'm glad you are satisfied. You did so good for us,” his praise being the last thing you heard before drifting off to sleep.

[shadowqueenjude]

One thing I am certain SJM will simply gloss over is Lucien's SA trauma and how it may impact his desire to have sex, so I wrote this little scene where I explore it!

Elain pulled away from Lucien, sensing his unease. As she’d climbed on top of him, deepening the kiss, Lucien had stiffened. Elain had paused the kiss, scenting a mixture of fear and shame and sorrow on him, hearing his irregular heartbeat. Then, she’d pulled away entirely. “Elain, I-I’m sorry,” Lucien said, voice barely above a whisper. Elain didn’t respond, staring blankly into space. It was just the same as it had been with Graysen; she was unwanted, and yet with him, it was worse, it was so much worse- “Did I do something wrong?” Elain croaked. She wasn’t very experienced, after all. Perhaps she simply wasn’t good at…it. “No, Elain, it was just…”  A sigh. “It was me.” When Elain finally gained the courage to look back at Lucien, she found that he was shaking all over. “What’s wrong?” Elain asked, hovering over him and placing a hand to his forehead. “Are you sick?” “Elain…” he said the name gently, lovingly. “This ailment is entirely mental. The sickness has long passed, but my memory has not abated.”  It didn’t take long for Elain to figure out what Lucien meant. “Who.” She was not sure she would ever get used to this feeling: the protectiveness, the desire, the pure feral rage this mating bond brought to her body. She had read up on it, and all the books on bonds had claimed that the male feels the mating bond pull and urges more strongly; yet Elain could not imagine anything more powerful than this. Perhaps their mating bond was simply stronger, for it had snapped almost immediately upon them both meeting each other. Lucien sighed. “Ianthe. The former High Priestess. But she is dead now; killed by your sister. It is only her ghost that haunts me. I tried to sleep with many others to get the feeling of her grimy fingers off of me, but then I got mated to you not long after and…” Lucien took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.” How could he ever think it was an overreaction? A product of abuse and mistreatment, of being overlooked in favor of others his whole life, to try and minimize one’s own problems so as to not be a burden. Elain’s anger surged, demanding to be satisfied, so she reached for that connection she had with the Mother, a connection she hadn’t dared explore after the Cauldron had lured her astray. The Mother hummed in her presence. Lovely Elain. What is it you seek today, Seer? You’re the goddess. Shouldn’t you know? A laugh. Of course I know. But I would like to hear you say it. Is Ianthe rotting in hell? A pause. That is none of your concern, dear. Considering what she did to my mate, it is very much a concern. Such rage and violence does not become you, Lady Elain. Where is the kind girl I gently held in my palms and gifted with magic? Elain hissed. Maybe that girl got a little bit tired of being kind to those who don’t reciprocate. Or maybe this girl is still that gentle soul, but the mating bond demands vengeance. You are better than this, dear Elain. Rest assured; Ianthe is getting due justice served to her. You know what to do, Miss Archeron. Elain took several deep breaths as she slowly broke the connection. The Mother was right; Ianthe was gone and in hell. She musn’t let rage overcome her. She should focus on the present-her present. So, Elain willed magic into her blood, and her hands began to glow with the soft light of Dawn. Healing magic gifted by the Cauldron. She placed two fingers to each of Lucien’s temples and whispered, “Show me.” Lucien obeyed. The healing magic combined with the mating bond allowed her to sort through his thoughts and see what was going on. Calanmai. Elain remembered Feyre telling her about it.

A servant resembling a tree insisting that he must do it while Tamlin resolutely refused, saying he would not perform Calanmai without Feyre there. The panic of the servants. Lucien’s slow dawning of horror as all the faces turned to him. Him discussing with Ianthe that the rite would probably choose him, and this would be a one-time thing. Her cat-like grin as she eagerly agreed. His body glowing, his body covered in whorls of paint as Ianthe clawed at him like a wild beast. The morning after, the absence of any feeling at all, so much worse than wallowing in misery. And Elain never let her hands drop from his face. She couldn’t take away the trauma or the hurt, nor did she want to; however, she could soothe them, help the good memories overpower the bad. Elain’s joy when she’d gone to her first ball. Elain’s joy when Feyre had returned from Prythian for a brief time. All the moments she and Lucien had shared together. When she was done, they simply stared at each other for several minutes. “Thank you for showing me,” Elain said quietly. “Thank you for making the memories less painful,” Lucien whispered back. He took one of her hands, interlacing it with his own. Then he placed their linked hands over his chest. His heartbeat was a healthy, steady beat. Then, Elain crawled back onto the bed, throwing her arms around his neck. “You’re very warm,” Elain muttered into his shoulder. Lucien chuckled. “It’s the Autumn Court fire in my veins; it makes my body warmer.” “Perfect for cuddles, then.” Elain nuzzled her nose against his neck. “Exactly.” Lucien wrapped his arms around her back, tucking her in close. They didn’t move for a long time.

[wronglennon]

need need need to hear what the 1969 era was like in your daemon AU, like what are yoko and lindas daemons, what was the get back era like, what shape does George’s daemon settle into this fic has taken over my brain

hi!! this is so fun im so pleased you’re invested because me and james @menlove (hi james) have been talking about this constantly. i wanna break some stuff down into bulletpoints, and then theres some stuff i wanna keep for later works because i am definitely planning to write a piece set in the get back era and a piece in the 70s (maybe they’ll kind of conjoin into another longform thing but who knows). i fear this is long so im putting it under the cut but should anyone like to read the fic here’s the link (user only im afraid)

george’s daemon (rimbaud) settles as a snake, specifically a burmese python, which i weirdly only settled on yesterday. james and i had liked the idea for his daemon being a snake but i couldn’t decide between something smaller or smth more akin to the burmese python but james pointed out how well the large snake imagery would go with a lot of goerge’s stuff. i mean. i love the image of a huge snake in the grass on the cover of all things must pass, kind of curled next to him.

linda’s daemon is a sun bear called theseus!! i just love the idea of two very earth bound animals for her and paul, especially how connected and enmeshed in nature they become with the farm etc. i think a lot about one of yokos quotes about linda’s smile being like the sun or something similar (paraphrasing) and i think the warmth and also the care and comfort that comes with the association and image of bears is very her, but there’s still a fierceness and protectiveness that feels very necessary. i liked theseus as a name for her as well because of the greek figure that beats the minotaur and finds his way out of the labyrinth (navigating the john paul relationship in the late 60s is incredibly labyrinthian to me) but also because he is the king in a midsummer’s night’s dream that watches the botched performance of pyramus and thisbe! just felt verryyyy pertinent

yoko’s daemon is a dragonfly called rentaro. i also like the idea of both yoko’s and linda’s daemons being male i think there’s something about the identities and the sort of respective queerness in both their relationships but also yoko with john’s many comments of her being like a bloke in drag etc. i love the notion of a dragonfly for her as they’re largely seem to symbolise and change in perspective and a rebirth of sorts which i think is very much what she meant for john, but also what her relationship with john meant for her. plus the kind of graceful, airborne creature matches thisbe in that they’re both creatures of flight. whereas paul and linda are earthbound, there’s something very untied and abstract about john and yoko. plus, his name is rentaro because of yoko’s father being a pianist, and rentarō taki is a rlly interesting japanese pianist from the late 19th century. he has one composition of a piece that translates to ‘moon over the ruined castle’, which brought to mind allusions of the moon and the sea, the tides etc, and how yoko’s name written in kanji reads as ‘ocean child’. its a sort of tenuous link but felt associatively fitting in my mind, with john and yoko alternating as the moon and the ocean in their relationship

the get back era leading into the separation is obviously a veryyy tense time for john and paul but particularly moreso because there are these creatures representative of their souls and their true feelings which they can’t entirely control and so continue to give them away. john’s residual affection towards paul is shown by how thisbe still flocks to him as though he’s this safe space, and john really starts to resent thisbe for it, and pulls away from paul even more to compensate for it. meanwhile, paul obviously can see that john isn’t completely unfeeling where he’s concerned, due to thisbe, but (and james puts this in a way i love) it means very little when he’s making the decision to convey a lack of care with his actions over and over. there may be a love at the core of everything but it doesn’t matter if it’s not able to change anything. there’s one particular incident at the end of the get back sessions that contributes veryyy heavily to the distance between the two and particularly pyramus withdrawing from the relationship which i am very excited to eventually write on because it breaks my heart.

anyways! that’s a lot of information i am always extremely happy to talk about this au seeing as its on my brain always. im so pleased as well that you liked the fic and want to know more!! not sure when i’ll be able to work on more instalments in the universe (i have some other projects on my mind too) but it’s one of my favourite things to talk and think about so thanks so much <33

[tethysresort]

Lol, because I got asked about it.

Scattered snippets from the story in which Erestor and Glorfindel get kicked out of Aqualonde for fifty years.  Essentially, Glorfindel’s old lover from Gondolin shows up and decides to be horrible. 

(This story is still developing plot, so there isn’t much more of it beyond this than vibes.) 

It was the twinge of emotional agony and shame that caught Erestor’s attention.  A sudden blast from Glorfindel that drowned out the sounds of the marketplace.  He turned.  His mate stood safely where he had before, between boxes of hard winter squash.  But now looking out into the street. 

He crept up, mentally trying to soothe Glorfindel.  Glorfindel had too tight of a grip on their bond, the sort of terrorized ragged feeling that he had anytime their bond was threatened. 

Out there in the road, a few tents down was the elf Glorfindel was watching.  The tall male was muscular and decorated in fine clothing with jewelry in his hair.  He laughed and chatted with a female, escorting her along. 

He slid his hand around Glorfindel’s arm, leaning in as Glorfindel jumped and then looked at him with guilt and shame.  “My love, are you okay?”

“It’s just…  He’s just right there.  After all this time…”

“Shall we go home?”  Back to Elrond’s encampment he meant.  To their friends and their space.

“Yes…” Relief flooded through Glorfindel and Erestor sighed as he reached back finally. 

The elf looked up, eyebrows rising.  And he grinned before walking over to Glorfindel.  “Why hello, lover.”  The tone was just slightly sneering.  “Who is this?  Did you finally find a mate that was willing to put up with you?”

He turned to Erestor.  “Did he ever tell you I was his first?”

Glorfindel gasped, silent and injured and Erestor gently tugged him aside.  He smiled.  “Yes.  I am Erestor, and I am delighted to meet you.”

The elf didn’t react fast enough to avoid the first strike as Erestor kneed him hard in the balls.  As he doubled over Erestor kicked him hard in the face and then twice in the ribs as he went down.  He stomped on the elf’s balls one more time, grinding down with his heel.  In the distance he could hear the whistles of the market guards. 

He smiled as the elf lay there.  “Yes.  I am Lord Erestor, chief advisor to Lord Elrond.”  He increased the volume of his voice so that the gathering crowd could hear.  “And I have always wanted to meet the sniveling coward who sleeps around and then dumps elves when they are no longer of any use to his social ambitions.” 

The market watch grabbed him but he was no longer fighting.  He smiled at the female standing aghast to one side.  “Consider yourself warned of his habit of using elves and discarding them.”

***

“Lord Elrond?”  The commander of the town watch bowed and Elrond wondered if he always wore such shiny armor or if he had gotten it out special for this interview.

“Lord (no name yet),” Elrond bowed back, “it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Two of your senior House members started an uncontrolled brawl in the marketplace.”

Elrond raised an eyebrow.  “I think this was probably a very controlled brawl.  If Erestor had wanted to kill him, he’d be dead.”

Glorfindel and Erestor sat side by side in the holding cell.  Elrond snickered.  As side by side as Glorfindel and Erestor ever got when nervous or upset.  He had noticed long ago that the more upset the pair, the closer.  Currently Erestor was tucked up under the protection of Glorfindel’s arm and glued up against his ribs.  Shield, not sword, side. 

Well, Erestor’s protection if you didn’t count that Erestor’s free hand was within reach of at least a few of his knives that he suspected the guards hadn’t managed to take.  To Elrond’s habituated eyes, Glorfindel was cuddling Erestor for comfort.  And Erestor was about the murder someone. 

He sighed, wondering how much emotional damage Erestor was going to have to fix. 

@nighttimepatrons, @mae-it-be-an-evening-dhros, @lordgrimwing

[theblueflower05]

Hi !!!! So I’m still new to the whole male! omega X female! alpha because I do love myself some good old fashioned sexy male protector and haven’t really read that pairing yet (I do love yours though I’m HOOKED). I don’t want to characterize male! omegas as weak (I’m not well verse in A/B/O dynamics that aren’t purely sexual) but that’s what I’ve seen in other fandoms and writings. So, how does the “protector” role play out in a male! omega x female! Alpha relationship? How would each react to their s/o getting hurt—does an omega react differently from an alpha and vice versa?

I am such a huge fan of your work queen 🙏 HAPPY PRIDE 😛💓🏳️‍🌈

Hiiiiiiiiiii!

I love talking about the Omegaverse in Pandora, I get so excited when I see asks like these!

Like, let’s talk for hours about space and alien sexuality!

Okay so this might be long winded, but I’m going to like share the brain rot:

So a lil lowdown on Omega!Neteyam. He’s a hunter, a soldier, a warrior. There’s really nothing feminine or weak about him- and he’s constantly battling the stigma around his secondary gender.

Where his softness comes to play is in the way that he cares for his loved ones. He’s a caretaker at heart, when he was little he’s lowkey loved when one of his siblings or parents would get sick because it meant he could dote on them without the sideways look. He likes hovering, he likes being intellectually intimate, he likes domestic routines.

The Omega!Males in my story don’t carry their children. There will be no mpreg here(no shame to authors who go that route that’s just my personal preference)

The Alpha!Female!Reader will carry his children.

That’s heady for Neteyam. You’re the center of his universe. Their designations just make it more intense. They share not only Tsaheylu but the mating bite. They’re intertwined on like a whole other level(I’m crying because why can’t things like this be real. I wanna merge souls with my partner ugh)

Neteyam is extremely possessive and protective over you. Especially when he’s close to a heat or your close to rutting. He doesn’t want to share what’s his, after so long of denying himself the love and attention of an Alpha, he’ll be damned if anyone else thinks that they can vie for it.

He’s a large man. Tall and broad. And he’s cross trained- in Omiticayan, Metkayinan and Marine combat. He’s a fucking force to be reckoned with.

He’s usually pretty mild tempered but you? Someone fucking with you? He will lose it. He sees red.

Omg omg omg we don’t even need to get into what he’s like when you’re pregnant. He’s all over you. He’s fused to your side. He’s hissing at everyone- even your own father- if they get too close.

If anything idk. I think him being an Omega and the mating bite and the fact that he’s YOURS makes him so much more protective of over you.

[the-white-void]

I’ve seen a fair amount of SAGAU fics so I wanna make my own SAGAU genre

edit: sorry this is very old

—————

Teyvat’s Child

You were on your deathbed waiting for the pain to be over until you were picked up by a strange woman but you couldn’t see her defining features “who is this woman? Is she the Grim reaper or something?” you thought as she sat you down.

“SWEET CHILD DO YOU WISH TO PLAY YOUR GAME ONCE MORE”

You were puzzled to what this mysterious woman just said, your game? is she talking about Genshin Impact?

“Yes, sweet child, Genshin Impact”

“Wait you know what I’m thinking”

“Ofcourse, you are in my domain, you cannot hide anything from me either”

“So- so I can’t lie?”

“Oh if your referring to words you can lie but I’ll know true intentions”

“Then what’s the point in asking”

“Just to confirm”

“There’s no escaping this woman”

“Haha now your answer we don’t have much time”

“Well Genshin has helped me through some tough things and I am at the end of my rope here so why not”

“I’ll take that as a yes”

The next thing you knew you woke up at wind rise with a white robe replacing your old hospital robe and beside you was the same woman but you can see her more clearly now.

She looked like a doll, her anatomy was beyond perfect, her hair was like the gas that surrounded the milky way and eyes that represent the night sky.

She offered you her hand and said:

“Welcome to Genshin Impact, in this life you are now Teyvat’s Child”

--------------------

“H- hold on a sec, so your saying the world of Genshin Impact is my mother? and why would said world need a child? and out of all the living beings in the universe you chose me”

“Yes because I needed a gift for Teyvat”

“So you just went window shopping for children”

“What?! No, I meant I needed a soul to inhabit my puppet for teyvat so it can watch over her and I already chose you a long time ago”

“For how long exactly?”

“(Age) years ago it was quite recent”

“Recent for you, a while lifetime for me”

“Oh right your only (age) years old, sorry anyways child this is your new mother, Teyvat”

“Where?”

“In your head”

‘Huh"

“HELLO YOUNG CHILD I AM TEYVAT, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? IM VERY CURIOUS AND WHAT IS YOU FAVORITE FOOD? ILL MAKE IT FOR YOU”

Teyvat started bombarding your head with questions that your brain couldn’t even handle and really needed Teyvat to stop cuz she was about to make your head burst.

“Oh sorry, I was just very excited to meet you, I’ll let you two talk for now”

“Anyway miss mysterious can you tell me who you are?”

“Oh my, apologies I forgot to introduce myself”

The air suddenly felt tense and heavy.

“ I am the one that keeps the balance of the universe, time, space and everything that exists, I am responsible for when the time the universe and everything that exists comes to an end and when to create anew”

“Scary”

“But there’s no need for such formalities, you can call me… Aunt Violet”

“Aunt?”

“Yes well if you want to of course”

“Why the fuck do you want to be an aunt”

“Well I don’t wanna be called Grandma do I”

Aunt Violet warned you about the people’s actions towards her so called imposters before leaving

“Keep this in mind sweetheart, the people of Teyvat don’t really tolerate any imposters so try to keep out of sight until the people of Teyvat are aware of the situation”

“Why is that?”

“Oh right you haven’t looked at yourself yet”

You two went to the small pond near the windrise tree and you looked in shock that from head to toe you look exactly like Violet.

(a lil something if you want male reader: you have more if a square and muscular like form, your hair was slightly shorter)

“Wut du fuk”

“Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner”

You sighed from disappointment of how the god of the ENTIRE universe is in the hands of her. “Wait a sec she can read my mind”

She gives you a necklace saying it will act like a vision so you could protect yourself mostly from the 'imposter hunters’.

“Ah well I’ll take my leave now, call my name when you need anything”

“Ah she left”

“So Miss Teyva-”

“No my child you may call me mother”

“So mother what do wanna do?”

“I would love to do anything and everything with you but…no human body”

“Right she doesn’t have a physical form”

------------------

GETTING USED TO

————

It’s been a couple weeks since you arrived in Teyvat your mother keeping you company most of the time and surprisingly nothing bad has happened yet.

“Y/N dear, do you want to talk to someone?”

“I’m talking to you and your the one always talking”

“ I meant as in another person”

Wait, talk to person from Teyvat, what if they try to kill me or hold a public execution or make me dance to death or take my toes and feed them to me as meatballs and take my take after.

Interacting with someone could be quite troublesome because of the horrible treatments to Violet’s ’ imposters ’. You were hesitant to Teyvat’s dangerous suggestion.

“Don’t worry I’ll make sure nothing happens to you, I promise”

Teyvat said that right in your head but it felt warm, it felt new comfortable and a little fuzzy, so you smiled for Teyvat and only Teyvat.

“Thanks, you’ve been watching over me since the day I came here and I don’t really know what I would have done if it weren’t for you, I’d probably be dead if you weren’t with me so when you get a physical form I’ll try my best to return everything you’ve done for me”

You can hear can hear Teyvat was in shambles from your words, you giggled from her reaction not wanting to disturb her burning and replaying your words in her head you teleport to the waypoint just outside of Mondstat waiting for Teyvat to stop fan-girling over you.

You decide on who you were going to interact with first but your best candidate was Timmie so you look over the bridge where he usually feeds his pigeons there he was but there was also a woman on the entrance of the bridge with a parasol on her hand.

She looks like she was waiting for someone she was able to grab Mother’s attention.

“Oh look it’s Selena she’s waiting for us”

“You know her?”

“Well we never talked but she knows of your arrival and me in your head and Violet”

“HUH?! Care to elaborate here”

“Well years before your arrival Violet already found you an envoy to help you around Teyvat”

“Why didn’t she just choose this Selena person”

“Well she’s just playing favorites”

You sighed and slowly approached the woman under the parasol scared that she might pull out a weapon and take your fingers, Mother tried to calm you down knowing Selena cannot harm you because her main purposes was healing so she cannot attack.

“H- h- hi”

“Greetings Your Grace it is pleasure to be at your presence, my name is Selena and I will be escorting you through wherever you wish in Teyvat, wether it is in Liyue or Shneznayan diplomatic issues to medical information I can be of use however I maybe more weight on the battlefield, I will be at your care”

She hands over the parasol to you as a present, for some reason it reminded you of Violet but you just let it slide and carried the parasol over your head and Selena’s.

“It’s very hot today so it’s best you also get some shade and some water”

“Thank you for your hospitality your grace”

“Please drop the "your grace” title, it feels odd"

“Very well, what shall I call you then”

“Just call me Y/N”

“I see then Y/N, where shall we go”

----------------

Selena was a huge asset to your adventure, she should literally do everything for you she even helped you navigate to Liyue borders (which was harder than you thought) and even left mondstat with you.

“You’re leaving Mondstat with me?”

“Yes, I will accompany you across Teyvat”

“Huh”

“Y/n y/n y/n can I talk to her please”

“About what exactly?”

“Just a few things about Liyue”

“Ok then, Selena can you come over her for a second Mother wants to talk to you”

“I see. What does she wish to talk about”

“Something about Liyue”

She nods and mother instructed you to gently raise your hand to Selena’s forehead for her to talk to her.

After a few minutes of Mother and Selena’s private conversation Selena looked slightly worried and you start wondering if Mother decided to threaten Selena for her hangout around you too much and wanted some of your time for herself and then their conversation stops and Selena lifts her head and suggested to but some sort of vail on top of your head so nobody knows about you, worried about the torture that could happen so you agreed.

You stoped by Wangshu Inn to get some supplies and food (food ya mean cuisine) and a room for you to sleep. Selena ordered some Golden shrimp balls, Jueyun chilli and a sweet madame, you savoured every bite being your first meal with meat (you’ve became vegan since u got here not knowing how to kill stuff).

You knocked out cold after sleeping on itchy grass for so long, Selena shared the same room and noticed an unsettling aura nearby and she was familiar of what it was, the adeptus the watched over Guili Plains fro centuries, she quickly woke you up to leave but he was already in the room.

“Hand over the Imposter you traitor”

“Over my dead body”

As a fight was about to begin a bright light appeared between them and it proceeded to expand its light the next thing the adeptus knew they were gone, he has failed to defend their graces honor.

When you woke up you were what looks like an abandoned shine atop of the highest mountain of Qingce village, Selena was restless from whatever happened last night so you decided not to disturb her.

Outside came a silhouette that felt familiar but you didn’t know who that person was as she came close Deja vu hit you like truck but it was too early to assume that-

“So you guys got away from Xiao? Best find a better hideout this place is pretty obvious”

A woman emerged from the silhouette, she had long blonde hair tied to a bun and was wearing white sparkly hanfu with an opaque vail in hand but what she said confirmed your suspicion, she was your Aunt Violet, miss mysterious and dragged you to a fantasy land.

“YOU THINK TEYVAT IS A FANTASY LAND I’ll take it as a compliment and don’t to your aunt like that”

“It’s alright I don’t mind”

“My lady you have arrived my apologies that I have failed to protect Their grace”

“As long as Y/N is fine I will overlook the situation”

“ Aunt Violet it’s been a while, why are you here?”

“To check up on you guys and take brake OH!! I almost forgot, here”

She hands you a bag and when you looked inside it there it was in all its glory YOUR PHONE, along with your tablet and laptop with their chargers and a weird thingy.

“That thingy is a solar powered power bank that will charge your phone, tablet and, laptop. I figured you would want them back”

Thank you god for such mercy and glory, I will never complain about anything anymore

“Yay you got your stuff back”

Jumping with joy that you finally got you stuff back, no reception but still TECHNOLOGY IN YOUR GRASP hahahahahahaahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

After months with no entertainment other than Mother stuck in your head, you can listen to your saved songs, watch your saved Tiktoks, “wait can Mother and Selena even catch the humor in these Tiktoks, Violet probably gets these but-”

“Oooooo what are Tiktoks?”

“Uuuuuuummmmm- how do I say this, lets just say their for entertainment purposes”

“Ah interesting”

“Y/n, my lady pardon my intrusion but may I ask what do these things do?”

“Oh my, these are some of the many things that Y/n’s world has made, their world has made many things that what they call a scientific breakthrough, very commendable”

“You sound like you just found that out”

“Hey! I just made it sound like that so they’d understand”

“Violet I require a puppet vessel immediately, I will take vengeance upon that foolish yaksha that has forsaken my child” mother said in a somewhat eerily friendly tone

“Eh! Already but-”

“How can I protect my sweet beloved child from those hypocrites from their head!!”

“Isn’t that a little too sudden, surely you could wait a little more”

“NO MY SWEET PEA CANNOT BE TOUCHED BY THOSE SO-CALLED ACOLYTES HANDS!!!”

“My lady may I ask maybe if there were a faster way to help Y/n’s condition”

“Uhh-”

“See Vi even your envoy agrees with me”

“I don’t think that’s what she meant”

“But some deformations could happen if the puppets body isn’t strong enough-”

“I DON’T CARE, IM MAKING HIM SUFFER 10x WORSE THAN THAT KARMA HE ALREADY HAS”

“Fine but may take at least a month to help get used to it even with the deformity”

“The sooner the better”

“Wow Mother’s acting out of character with this tantrum and I’m supposed to be the child”

“Well there’s no stopping her now cuz the last time she was mad… well she… Uhhh… You don’t wanna know”

“Now I’m curious about what happened”

“Ah and before I wanted to give you guys a lil something, lemme just take Teyvat out first”

“HEY!!”

Violet handed you and Selena one sword each, Selena’s sword looked very similar to Shinobu’s sword, stinger-like and a thick sheath. Yours looked much like Mitsuri’s, a flexible and whip-like blade.

“I’ll be leaving 2 puppets to train you two individually so you can learn how to fight and not die from of the 7 nations attempt to pursue you two”

Violet left and you were transported to a remote area at the foot of a mountain with what looked like an abandoned mansion but it was still in good condition.

However when Xiao arrived at the abandoned shrine you and the others were gone, he failed his mission to glorify the Divine Creator’s name, a sin that can never be forgiven.

“Welcome Y/n- sama, Lady Violet has instructed us to train you both in your reserved breathing techniques”

(I put sama cuz I dunno how to make it gn)

“Lady Selena will be trained in the Insect Breathing technique and Y/n will be trained in the Love Breathing technique.”

You were shocked on the two children behind jumpscaring you like that and Selena was poker faced the whole time but her body jolted from the surprising orders of Violet’s puppets.

“Hold on a second, breathing styles exist?”

The two puppets nodded in agreement.

“Do we start now?”

“Yes”

1 YEAR LATER

Selena has mastered the insect breathing and he speed, agility and mobility increased drastically and your natural strength (that came with the puppet body) had heighten to the brim.

It was unnatural for an entire year without Mother even if you’ve only been talking to her for a few months

After watching Demon Slayer with Selena on your break you were interrupted by a young boy with a tall woman and she was very tall you could compare her to Slenderman, she also had long curly green hair with an intimidating gaze.

“Hey it’s been a while”

“That child sounded like-”

“Good Afternoon Master”

“You have trained them well, thank you”

“V- Violet?! Is dat you? And why are you a child”

“Stealth my dear, Stealth”

“Yeah with Lady Dimitrescu the second here”

Before Violet could say anything the tall woman picked you up and hugged the shit out of you which felt like something Mother would do-

The it hit you Lady D the second was Mother and the freakishly tall height was the deformity, that made sense and was probably what Violet was about to say.

Mother was on her knees to get down to your level of height as she was about to say something age saw you in the brink of tears trying not to cry and Selena at the corner looked like she was about to ball her eyes out, Mother just hugged you gently as you cry like there’s no tomorrow but still trying to hold back tears because you didn’t want your first memory of holding your otherworld mother to be a crying mess. Violet was letting Selena cry her eyes out on her.

———————–

After the emotional drama that happened you asked Violet some questions that revolved around your head for some time while Mother was stroking your hair with you on her lap

“Alright, I need you to answer a few questions”

“Very well, however only for 5 minutes”

“ Wah! Whatever you say, Why do we have to learn breathing techniques when you gave me a multi element vision? I’m not complaining tho”

“Well I allowed you two to learn breathing techniques so it’ll enhance the elements from the techniques so you have more chances of taking out multiple people with visions”

“Ok but why didn’t Mother get a physical human body until just recently?”

“She asked for one just 5 years ago so…”

“Then how about my body?”

“The both of your bodies were made differently because yours was made for a human soul but Teyvat’s was made for an entire will of this world so her body needed a longer process”

“How long exactly?”

“10 years”

“Then-”

Violet was looks little distracted from your conversation so decided to get to the point because she probably needed somewhere to go.

“Ok I’ll get straight to the point, other than just a child for Mother what exactly do you need me here?”

Mother was surprised at the question, she started to frantically wonder if she wasn’t a good mother and you wanted to go back to your home world or you just no longer wanted to be her child, she stopped stroking your hair from fear of you getting annoyed from her or when you liked her better when she wasn’t physically annoying, she was on the verge of tears from those thoughts.

“Don’t get me wrong I love it here, like Mother, Selena and the little children I can talk to outside the main cities but why am I wanted from just my looks? Or there is someone that.. you know, on a high horse that ain’t there’s?”

Mother was relieved to hear that you were just confused from Violet’s lack of explanation and really did care about her and the whole of Teyvat (except for the “you getting wanted” stuff) and those worrying thought were just over exaggerations.

You noticed her tears were falling down to your hair, you were quick to comfort her to whatever she was crying about.

“Well to answer your question lets just say there’s an idiot who claimed to be the god of Teyvat because of some easy won luck”

“Whoever that is seems to be more than an idiot telling people that their ‘GOD’ but what’s really surprising is that-”

“THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE THEM”

“The people of Teyvat seem DUMBER than how I purposely made them”

“Mother what do you think about your people”

“Humanity is evolving, but backwards and everyday they just stray further away from god”

You couldn’t help but giggle at what Mother said, that touch of comedy and when you looked back at Violet she was gone.

“Damn she could have told me times up”

———————

A few hours pass after Violet left and You wanted to catch up Mother on what happened but you expected her to already know.

You and Selena sat next to Mother like a lil of pile of meat and bones, you snuggled closer to Mother but you noticed something unsettling.

“SHE SLEPT WITH HER EYES OPEN”

But you tried to ignore it and went back to sleep as if you saw nothing but it felt like you were looks at a corpse with their eyes open.

When dawn arrived the two puppets came to alert you that an intruder has been found in the premises but you were in a deep sleep from your traumatizing meeting with the grim reaper last night so Selena took action and left Mother to protect you.

She arrived at the last place the intruder was spotted and found a certain ginger headed Shneznayan that seemed looking for a fight.

“The rumors surrounding this place seems false from what I’ve seen, there aren’t even any hilichurls here”

“Pardon my intrusion but I must ask of your intentions of this place”

“Ah are you also here from the rumors”

“Rumors?”

“You know that this place gives a chilling vibe, that of which surpasses Wuwang Hill”

“I see”

“It’s quite the hot topic in Liyue and Sumeru, it’s impressive you haven’t heard of it”

“Hmm well thank you for the information but I ask that you leave this place, and tell none of this conversation”

“I would but I’m looking for a challenge at the moment so what about a little fight with you and me, if you win I’ll leave but if I win you need to tell about this place”

He has spotted Selena’s weapon from her waist and assumed she was able to fight with it.

“Very well, if it means they are safe I will duel with you”

The ginger smirked and summoned his hydro blades and thrusted towards her at full speed, as he continues to slash his opponent she kept dodging in a clam matter, Selena was purposely dodging to get a feel of the ginger’s fighting style.

Selena saw an opening so she backed up and jumped at and incredibly high height that no amateur fighter could jump and unsheathed her blade to reveal a needle like sword unbuilt to cut, the ginger thought she was an easy target but then she said:

Dance of the Butterfly: Caprice

Then in an instant he wan in an illusion with a kaleidoscope of butterflies and one landed on his finger then the next thing he felt was a sting in mulch vital parts in his body in a split second then he was knocked out cold.

When he woke up he saw a tall woman at the corner of his eye, incredibly tall that no human could be as tall as her and she was giving him a look that said ’ why the fuck are you here ’ then one of the puppets entered the room but the ginger mistook them for a child.

“Uhm excuse me but is there a white haired girl with a ponytail and caries a peculiar sword”

“You must mean Lady Selena, she is currently busy at the moment and does not wish to be distributed”

Then the child gave him some food and left while the tall woman was still at the same spot but looked calmer than before and approached the Shneznayan.

“You must be apart of the 11 idiot harbingers”

“D- did she just insult the fatui”

“Pleas to not misunderstand, from my knowledge fatui means idiot does it not?”

“I don’t really know what fatui means but certainly doesn’t mean idiot, wait did she just ream my mind”

“Worry not Ajax, I do not wish to be on bad terms”

The tall woman said that in a joking matter so the ginger didn’t take her words seriously then caught someone peaking from the he door.

“Who’s that at the door? And how did she know my name”

“Ah sorry to interrupt but I need Mother for a sec”

“Ofcourse is there anything you need?”

“A lil something happened and I need you”

----------------

As you walked around your backyard wanting some new adventure you opened the parasol given to you be Selena to get some shade while you walk and then the sudden thought of wanting to go to Fontaine came into mind.

In an instant you were suddenly crowded with people dressed in clothing you were not familiar with in the game, you were confused and embarrassed since you were only wearing your pajamas and carried your sword on your other hand then you wanted to go back to Mother and suddenly you were in Mother’s arms while she was looking for you.

“Darling where have you been? You suddenly disappeared from my view!”

“Fontaine”

“What were you doing there? and how did you get there so fast?”

“I dunno”

Selena walks in the room from eavesdropping on them and explained what may have happened, at least what she thought happened.

“So the parasol is able to teleport to anywhere you wish as long as you are familiar with it in any way”

“So this is from Violet I assume”

“Ye, she let use it for the time being”

“So I can go wherever I want?”

“In Teyvat”

“So I can go back there or go to Shneznaya”

“I guess so”

And in an instant you opened the parasol and disappeared which sent Mother to panic mode where you were in Shneznaya in pajamas, yes you were freezing like a naked monkey in the snow so went back to Fontaine instead.

So this Fontaine, very fancy and expensive looking while you looked homeless in the streets. You hid in an alleyway where you found some decent clothes hanging out to dry so you stole them and dried them with your anemo powers. You looked presentable enough to the public but we’re a little guilty of taking such comfy clothes.

A mischievous smirk was drawn on your face and your first thought was

“Maybe I could go for some Fontaine styled cuisine”

But you realized… you don’t have mora, your stomach grumbles from your shattered hopes of eating a macaron so you walked around the streets with a defeated expression but then you bumped into someone with a stern and stoic look.

“Oh Sorry about that”

“HALT!”

That tone put you up guard and thought this is where your probably gonna die because they found the imposter but when you turned to look at who you bumped into those thoughts increased ten fold when you saw the woman you bumped into. Deep blue streaks at the end of her hair, fanciest Fontaine clothing you saw yet but no guards are her, so you did the Wis thing to do. Run

“WAIT GET BACK HERE!!”

You used your breathing to get away faster but you remembered about the parasol so you opened it and suddenly she grabbed you from your wrist but it was too late you both were already transported to your mansion.

She was baffled of what just happened, chasing a mysterious figure to receive justice then the surroundings change into a peaceful mansion near a mountain. After all that happened you invited her to the mansion.

When you entered everything that was in place in the mansion looked liked a storm blew through so you were embarrassed by inviting an archon to your house looking like this.

“IS YOUR HOUSE ALWAYS LIKE THIS?”

“No, it was fine this morning, they were probably panicking that I was gone for an hour”

“HMM”

Then Mother and Selena burst through the hallway with the puppets trying to calm the down.

“DARLING WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU WERE GONE FOR AN HOUR AND WE THOSE YOU WERE IN SHNEZNAYA SO WE WENT THERE AND YOU WErent there and.. and…”

“Don’t worry, I was in Fontaine where I bumped into her”

You pointed to your guest that was confused about the entirety of what just happened.

“Fontaine? And who’s clothes are you wearing”

“Stole them”

“You stole WHAT!!”

“Not now we’re busy”

“c'mon she’s a guest why don’t we explain a little so she could understand”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“We put her to sleep so she thinks this is a dream”

“Wut”

You explain to her about Violet, the god in the scriptures was another puppet and Mother was Teyvat waiting to cut off her head if she doesn’t reconcile and that you were from another world inside Violet’s puppet body along with Teyvat but she was being an impatient child and got an abnormal height disability and blah blah blah…

She was still processing what you said so Selena offered some tea and you tested it first to make sure she didn’t put poison in it, and it wasn’t.

“There is a possibility you are lying but that sounds too… wild to be made up and you don’t really have any proof”

“True, but the only thing I can prove that is real is that I am in a puppet body and our caretakers are also puppets” you pointed at them peeking through the doorway

“And it’s not like I can just summon Violet here because she said she does really like interacting with mortals with a title God but she still makes effort to go talk to them”

“Aren’t you underestimating me too much”

“AAAAaaahhhhh!!!”

Violet pops out behind you but she had a more… revealing clothing than usual but she had a reason for it, she intended to look like the way her puppet was drawn in the murals so she would have the perfect of her.

“I mean you didn’t have to wear clothes like that tho”

“Haha.. I thought you would need help convincing the god of judgement, she could help you in court and the other Archons”

“So she really is the Hydro Archon”

She fell down on her knees and begged with all her being for apologies that she had doubted her prophecy and the words of your puppets. You were insulted that she called you a puppet but Selena was more insulted that she didn’t even mention her in the apologies but Mother just glared at her like she was a stain that wouldn’t wipe off of her house.

[faeriekit]

Faer i would love to know more about the event about fan ostracization from mainstream comic culture??? Do you have any like, panelist names or details or anything?

OkAY I found the program online because the paper thing they gave me for the programming sucked severely!!

It was a thursday panel, which meant pros/educator oriented (Thu, Oct 12, 2023 • 10:30 AM - 11:30 AM). The title was "Geekspaces Assemble! Safe Spaces for our Marginalized Communities". Clicking the link will give you all the details, but the panelists were (Left to right) an owner of a queer/female friendly comics store in Portland, a letterer who's been in prominent aspects of the comics industry for fifty years, a...business entrepreneur (maybe also she was an illustrator?) and Jubilee fan, and an Author/Illustrator who spent a good chunk of his childhood in Puerto Rico. The panel consisted of three women (which, for comics, seems rare as hell), one queer women, two women of color, and a gentleman of color who grew up outside of America.

The only reason I am not putting their names down is that I am Suspicious one name might be wrong and I cannot verify it because they did not link their professional contact information to their NYCC guest pages haha. Their identifying info give on the page is still present.

To summarize the bits I remember, everyone involved gave a rundown on how hostile comics culture and the outside point of view on comics culture was to their efforts to actually enjoy their hobby. The woman in the industry spoke on how hard it was to actually get her voice and interests heard, and how the need to make a safe space for women and people of color helps keep the peace. The business woman spoke on representation and how it affected her growing up, and how when there isn't anything to look up to, we sort of have to make our own role models and characters to lean into, and having a space space to create helps us do that. The man had an interesting perspective on how comics were a huge hobby of his growing up, but when the Simpsons made it to Puerto Rico, the Comic Book Guy made it so that other people looked down on him for engaging in something that seemed so snooty and unpleasant on the show. The bookshop owner talked about how it was not only super vital for her main audience, queer people and women, to have a space safe enough where they could explore comics how they wanted to, but that she heard testimonials after she opened that the main cishet white male audience of comics loved and appreciated her shop as a safe space too, because it was a place where they didn't feel the need to perform in order to engage with their hobby as they had to in the quintessential shops that were so popular at the time.

Everyone was well spoken and brought up great points about how the experience for enjoying comics is so different when you're queer, not a man, or white— something I have absolutely noticed from spending time even peripherally watching the dc fandom here on tumblr and on ao3. Having a place where you can express your interpretations and experiences with your hobby without fear of reprisal or attack makes all the difference. Comics are very often not written for us. Based on their age, comics written about us may be lacking, at the very least, or outright harmful at the very worst. Reading certain DC lore gives me psychic damage. If we want to make comics a fun, welcoming space (and I know that's not every comic fan's goal), we have to make and protect our own spaces from outside prejudice.

Overall, it was a great panel, I loved it, and I really wish it hadn't been at 10:30 in the morning because half the intended audience (and a panelist!) was still trying to get into the building by the time it hit 10:30! It also reinforced my need to make the graphic experience in the library better integrated with the younger kids, because I don't want them to think that comics aren't for them if the first experience they have is people being weird and rude when they get into it as teens. I know that the panelists are from at least one if not more generations above me, and that the landscape has expanded and changed since then, but I find the fundamental base of the talk very true, and find it even more prudent that they speak, because their work built the foundations we're trying to build up on right now— with graphic memoirs, with indie comics, with irl geekspace occupancy, with ao3 and tumblr gossip and interaction.

Anyway, occupy your local comics shop. If they suck, get on facebook, network, and see where all the weirdos like you collect.

[sweetfirebird]

Pets

I am posting these all out of order but whatever it's December and my mind is just rushing wind and tumbleweeds right now.

Anyway. Next up in the charity prompts:

Moggot donated very kindly and asked for Trenne meeting a cat. Which is obviously very funny so of course I made it just a tiny bit sad as well.

Content tags: uh the Sha attitude toward the hurat. The human attitude toward Trenne with his ears. Lonely and a bit sad bb Trenne. Not exactly spoilers for Taji From Beyond the Rings but... will it make sense if you haven't read that? I wonder. Trenne and this universe belong to me, and all that.

Pets

Trenne desired to center himself so that the others on his team would not notice his discomfort at traveling over water in this way. He had never been on a boat, although he had seen some in his life before the I.P.T.C. He had also never been flown through the air in his time before he joined the humans and left his home, his planet, forever, and he had learned to deal with that, so the motions of boat-over-water would become acceptable with time, he was certain. But he would have preferred to grow accustomed to it quickly so that the humans on his team would not find discomfort amusing.

Their amusement was not cruel, in most cases. They took amusement in many things done even by other humans. But I.P.T.C. was Trenne’s chance to be something other than hurat, and he did not know how to react to human teasing.

Centering himself would have helped calm him, but the boat did not have space for him to move freely. It barely had room for him to move. So he tried to content himself with sitting on the small cot given to him as a bunk for the duration of this journey and using the Data Device the I.P.T.C. had given him during his first assignment to learn more of the ways of both humans and the places they lived.

The engine of the boat made noise. So did the water it moved through, and the warm rain outside, and the members of his team scattered around the boat wherever there had been space to set up cots.

Humans were in many ways easier to deal with than those Trenne had known in his own world. They had their own worries and complaints and angers toward one another, but they did not know Sha, or hurat. They bonded as easily as the stories about them suggested… but they were loud. Trenne could not help but flatten his ears a little to muffle the noises they made as they spoke and ate and cleaned themselves and expressed every emotion they had without consequence.

For all of that, for how wild even the quietest of the humans around Trenne would seem to those in the empire of Trenne’s birth, they had come from other places, and like him, were new to many things. So they might tease, as was their way, but they did not always assume the worst of him. Possibly because they did not know hurat. Or possibly only because Trenne was of a greater size than them.

He gave them no reason to fear him, regardless of their reasons, and tried to accept their teasing if he felt it was meant…

Kindly. That was what humans would say. If it was without malice.

The boat moved, a gentle swaying motion that nonetheless made Trenne want to go outside to look at the water so he could predict how the boat would move next. But they had days yet to travel, so he made himself be still.

This place was a small planet according to his superiors. His team were headed to a remote base where they would be bored for several months, also according to his superiors. But some local ally of the I.P.T.C. wanted protection from those who they��he, Trenne reminded himself--a human gender marker of ‘male’ status with no other indicators attached—claimed were against I.P.T.C. interference.

That was possible. It was also possible that he lied. The ability and desire to lie was a trait humans and the Sha shared.

But it was not Trenne’s place to question, so he did not. Not aloud. He kept his thoughts to himself, as humans said, a habit conditioned into him since his earliest years.  

Much like calming himself with breathing so that no emotion would show through his actions, which he greatly wished to do now.

Instead, he sat on his cot, which faced another cot, currently unoccupied, along a narrow hall in the middle of the boat, and pulled out his Data Device.

He removed his earlier information searches in order to look through the games, which he found useful when he needed to pretend that he was not paying attention to the others around him.

A whisper, a hint of a sound made him pause. He kept his attention on the screen of the DD but tried to assess the sound and where it had come from. When it did not reoccur, he assumed it was a consequence of the rain hitting the boat. He chose a game of bintoh, then stopped when the noise occurred again.

He turned his ears toward the source of the sound, then raised his head to find it with his eyes.

An animal sat on the other cot, staring at him.

Because Trenne had heard Delayn and the others name it earlier, he knew this animal was a cat. Trenne had searched for information on cats shortly afterward, in his first moments alone. Cats belonged to what humans called a “family” which was a different family than the ones of blood and close relations that humans claimed. Felidae was the family of categorization, and it held cats of many sizes and colors.

Humans had brought cats with them across the stars. The smaller ones, like this one, were popular and “loved.” Humans kept them with them in their homes, as “pets.”

Humans did such things. They would bond with anything, and with no one else human or sentient around, turned to animals for companions.

Cats seemed a strange choice, to Trenne, although the small ones were obviously less dangerous than the big ones. The information on them said they were predators and efficient hunters. So efficient that their presence was restricted in most places because of the damage they caused to local animal groups. This cat was wearing a collar, probably as a device to keep it on board the boat and out of trouble.

Trenne considered this cat, a “domestic pet” the information had claimed. It was certainly used to humans and their loudness. Nearly everyone on Trenne’s team had stopped to touch the cat and speak to it the way humans spoke to their children.

They had also paused upon realizing Trenne had never seen such an animal before and teased him. He hoped with human affection.

The cat, they had said, must be a long-lost sibling of his.

Trenne had no siblings that he knew of, but eventually had understood their humor when the cat had reacted to their laughter.

The cat’s name—humans, being humans, named their pets—was Boots. For the four white feet—paws—Trenne assumed, since boots were shoes and the white spots resembled those. It was covered in fur except for its nose and eyes, the fur striped and dotted in many shades, reminding Trenne of the place he had left behind. Boots also had large eyes which saw better in the dark than in the light, according to the DD, and sensitive ears, with hearing better than a human’s. The ears were atop its head, roughly triangular, with tiny wisps of fur at the crest. They turned to follow sounds as Trenne’s did.

Trenne wondered how the cat felt to have its home periodically filled with noisy, mostly human soldiers with much heavier boots than its own.

The others had referred to the cat with a human gender marker—she—but Trenne was not certain that this was meant the way humans meant it for each other, and so settled on it, which was insufficiently informative but hopefully nonoffensive.

Boots been stroked and touched by everyone earlier, so perhaps it found the noise worth it. Humans, for all their destruction, showed affection nearly constantly: to each other, to their favorite possessions, to small animals they let live in their homes.

The domestic pet cats got food, shelter, and that affection. Boots had basked in it, purring. A sound Trenne had heard clearly from some distance away, so he’d read about that too.

Boots regarded him with interest now as it hadn’t that morning. Cats did not understand words as such, Trenne had read. They could not converse but would at times make sounds for humans to imitate what humans did. They understood tone and intent, and associated word sounds with certain things or events.

The information had not mentioned their emotions, if any, although the others has behaved as though purring meant happy.

“Boots,” Trenne greeted the creature at last, perhaps as he should have with the others that morning. He kept his voice down, but the cat heard, its ears swinging forward and staying there. Interested, Trenne would have said, if speaking of someone from his world with ears like that.

Trenne let one of his ears track the sounds from the rest of the boat. Murmurs from elsewhere. Splashes of water at semi regular intervals against the side of the boat. Their sergeant, a few rooms away, complaining about something.

Opposite him, the cat’s ear flicked in the same direction, although it did not look away from Trenne.

Trenne pulled his ears forward again, attentive. “You do not purring.” He paused, then sternly corrected himself. “You are not purring. I offend you?”

He felt somewhat foolish—human, to talk to the cat this way. The cat would not understand. Not words. But Trenne knew other ways of speaking.  

He swung his ears slightly outward, hoping to indicate he was not alarmed by the cat’s presence. Which he was not. The cat was a predator but so was he, and he was much larger.

Perhaps his size alarmed the cat, so he also slid slightly down the wall at his back, keeping his ears relaxed as he did.

The pupils of the cat’s eyes became very large. Its tail twitched at its side. Then it opened its mouth to display its teeth—or yawn.

Humans yawned. Trenne had not read far enough to know if cats also yawned.

If it had been a display of teeth, Trenne must have threatened it. He put down his Data Device and rested his hands at his sides.

Boots pricked up its ears once again, then with no warning leapt from the far cot to Trenne’s.

Trenne turned to observe and keep the cat in sight. The cat knew it was being watched, glancing up to meet Trenne’s stare as it stepped with great care, and probably silently to human ears, to Trenne’s knee, where it flopped over onto his side, exposing its stomach and vulnerable places.

Trenne realized his ears had gone flat with alarm and straightened them before anyone might walk by and see.

He had not read far enough to learn if cats knew fear, either, although they must. Everything did, surely. Everything with brains enough to recognize dangers. Yet someone—something—that had felt fear would not lie down in such a way, so it must not.

Perhaps, Trenne suddenly suspected, the pet cat had only experienced what humans called love here on this boat, and so had learned to expect “pets” and not danger or cruelty.

Boots turned to look at Trenne again, then slowly closed its eyelids before reopening them. A soft life Boots had. A hunter who did not hunt, who was fed and shown affection until that was what it expected, even from Trenne. 

Trenne glanced around, but no one was nearby to laugh at the hurat, so he carefully, slowly, moved one hand as he had witnessed the others do, running his palm down the length of the cat’s back.

The fur was pleasing to feel. The cat’s body was warm, warmer than a human’s body temperature. It blinked slowly at Trenne before curling into a ball, leaving part of its back pressed to Trenne’s thigh.

Trenne attempted another stroke—a pet for a pet. Humans named their creatures for what humans did to them but the pets didn’t seem to object. Boots did not. Boots rolled over again, putting its face to Trenne’s leg. Its breath was warm too, its heart faster than a human’s but much quieter.

Trenne rested his palm over some of the markings, familiar and strange, and then felt the rumble a fraction of a second before he heard the sound. Purring.

Humans were free with their affection, Trenne reflected again, but others might not mind. Others might like it and grow used to it.

Trenne’s ears went flat again, but he continued to move his hand, gently stroking the length of Boots’ back so the low, soothing noise of purring would continue. He liked it. It indicated comfort and pleasure.

“A soft life,” Trenne sound aloud again, although he was not certain that soft was an adjective to be used in that way. Trenne was possibly incorrect, but to the cat, it was simply more noise, so it did not matter.

Perhaps that was the purpose of a pet. That, and soothing purring, and a warm body next to his.

[lucylesdreams]

TW: CoCSA, voyeurism.

I am trauma dumping a bit here, hope you dont mind.

I must have been 10 when it happened. We are a small community, with few kids. Think we were 10-14 girls in my grade, and 8-10 boys. We had just started showering after gym class, always the last two classes of the week. I always took my bike to school. I was not particularly close to my classmates, nothing bad like bullying just not fitting in. The fact that we are such a small community did not help that, and many of us are related in some way. That did make it harder to fit in, but I also think it is one of the reasons why it did not escalate to more severe bullying and isolation. There were not enough showers for all of us. One had to shower alone. I did not have a bus to catch home, or any need to shower with a bestie like the rest, so it just had to be me showering on my own. Which never bothered me. While I was showering, the rest got dressed and put on make up. The girls in my class were very much into teen culture, make up and the tv-series "Glee", Twilight-books and boys. Maybe that is part of the reason to why I did not fit in.

Anyways, I was in the shower alone. One of the girls was a nasty piece of work, her cousin was too. He also was in our class. I feel no guilt for saying that about those kids, they both are still cruel today, 15 years later. They had planned a "little prank". When I stepped out of the shower, being the only one that was not dressed but for a towel, she opened the door and her cousin came running towards me. I crocheted in a corner, trying to cover myself. Crying, screaming. He did not touch me, but laid on the floor trying to see up under my towel. It felt like a long time. But the other girls finally had enough and pushed him away, and he left. Afterwards I got dressed. The other girls did not want to get into any trouble, and asked me not to tell the teacher or my parents. They did not want their friend to be punished. She said it was his idea, and was just meant to be a prank. And what good would it be to tell on the boy, he always got into trouble anyways. They did not want a teacher to stay with us while we changed and showered. And I was not hurt, so why make a big deal out of it. I did not say anything, I just stopped showering at school. And had nightmares.

I do wonder now how a 10 year old boy knew that looking on a naked girl would humiliate the girl, and how a 10 year old girl knew it was humiliating? When did he learn that? Who did he learn it from? Why did the girl help her cousin violate me? Must have been the same source, church, tv, his older brother, porn, etc. Not to be dramatic, but I still have nightmares of a male person laying on the ground trying to look up at my crotch. Where did I learn that I was so unimportant that I could let it go? Why was I too ashamed to get help? Why did I protect the cousins, that I did not even like? Did I already think of myself as less of a human than him?

Girls need to be protected from boys. Girls deserve a safe space from boys, just as much as women do from men. We need to talk about this more. Protecting girls from their male peers. Do you think girls have it better today than I did 15 years ago? And sadly parents, your boy may already been creeping on girls before you think he is old enough to understand what he is doing. He may already have given a girl nightmares for a lifetime before you have considered giving him "the talk". He may already be a pornsick misogynist before he start middle school. And this is not some stupid prank, or fun kid stuff. Stop trivializing boys sick and nasty behaviors. Protect little girls

[amalgamationillustration]

This is the nuance I feel so many people are missing these days, especially online. People jump immediately with anything to 'they must be a bigot' no matter what context they do or don't have for the situation and immediately hop on the offensive either directly to that person or indirectly by telling everyone things like "reminder: this person liked this post or tweet or follows this person on Instagram or twitter and that person said made an off colour joke about something like how it's weird that call center staff in different countries use fake english names and 'whats the deal with that?!' 3 years ago and haven't made any jokes like that since and if you support this person after learning that then you're scum" and then a week later you see a call out post going around about random twitter user 592725 saying "reminder: twitter user 592725 follows this celebrity who is bestest best friends with this other celebrity because they liked a few of their posts and this celebrity is a NAZI and a BIGOT." And it goes on and on.

I've literally seen entire threads where someone has linked a dropbox full of screenshots and receipts about someone else in a fandom and I've sat and read the entire thing and have not been able to work out what this person did wrong exactly and then it's revealed that actually these people are all like 17 and it's weird as fuck that they're just casually dumping 1gb of screenshots of this other minors private messages and thoughts and feelings which half the time don't seem to even be particularly controversial. Like I am so glad I grew up with web 1.0 and not this, not to sound fucking old but back in my day you fucked up online and bricked your pc with a virus or you didn't get any likes on deviantart. Now your utterly cringe takes at 12 years old are screenshotted and used as evidence that you're irredeemable and must be removed from an online space immediately. As though we didnt all have incredibly bad takes at 12, as if we were all incredibly open minded and understood the human experience beyond our own and the nuance of systematic oppression of people who are different to us. As if we know that 'haha gay' wasn't a punchline at 12, as if we didn't just repeat half the shit we heard from our parents or friends!!

I saw a post recently about one of the ghoulettes from ghost who is Jewish sharing some pro israel video and she was obviously immediately told hey uh... Don't? And it seems like she made follow ups to clarify she's always been pro Palestine and doesn't think what Israel are doing is right at all, but that her point was meant to be was more specifically pro Jewish in saying that please don't let what's happening to Palestinians convince you that they Jewish population of the world at large wanted this or support it and she's scared of the stereotyping of Jewish people given the historical implications of that. While I agree with her base point it obviously feels like a poor time to center herself in this, I also can tell she's clearly not actually pro genocide nor in support of what's happening but literally everyone just said she was a pro israel genocide denying douchebag and I saw people going so far as to say the other ghoulettes and ghouls that were openly friends with her must also be pro israel by association?! Which is insane to me like theyre colleagues and may work together again in the future, and they're friends, of COURSE they're going to have more understanding and try to be more nuanced in listening to their point and they also know them personally so can personally attest to them as people. What's hilarious is when one of the male ghouls started dating a trump supporter everyone cancelled other fans that were friends with her but people were quick to defend him as just unaware or in need of protecting which feels... Interesting? Like oh it's okay if it's your favourite precious baby girl but not if it's one of the actual women in the band?

Anyway, when I tried to state that people were missing the nuance of what was happening with what this ghoulette was saying with regards to her post about Israel, people immediately jumped to "there's no nuance about genocide what the fuck" and of course immediately i realised I had now also fallen into this trap because the nuance I mentioned was about understanding what people are trying to say, actually hearing their explanation and putting yourself in their shoes instead of assuming the worst of people and people immediately assumed I was calling whats happening currently in Palestine a nuanced situation instead.

Anyway I deleted twitter at that point because it seems impossible to have nuance and be on twitter so I was clearly wasting my breath on it but I'm just so over people hearing a few things or seeing one or two things and jumping to these huge conclusions about people's entire moral compass and rather than doing what OP did here which is try to offer another perspective or confirm that some of what they've heard is incorrect or straight up lies and fear mongering, rather than immediately go to "HEY FUCK U LADY" because literally no one has ever learnt or grown or become a better person by hearing "FUCK YOU". And I'm not saying we should try to redeem every piece of shit, some people know what they're doing is hateful and don't care, but so many just don't know and so many are scared of doing or saying or liking the wrong thing because we're so quick to label everyone a bigot instead of trying to actually communicate.

At the lesbian meetup, met a kind of transphobic woman. Started gearing up to get fighty and then realised... she wasn't an actual terf. She was just older, genuinely didn't know stuff, had heard some terf talking points in passing and had been made kind of anxious by them, but hadn't made it her entire personality. She was open to learning that trans women weren't actually roaming around coercing unwilling cis lesbians into sex, thanked me earnestly for giving her a basic explanation of what "non-binary" meant and truly seemed to be relaxing bit by bit the more she heard. Obviously I'm aware that I can't be sure I've given her a sufficient dose of anti-transphobe vaccine to immunise her permanently against the shit that's out there, but overall it made me hopeful. Most people just aren't dyed-in-the-wool bigots. People can be curious and relieved to hear the fearmongering they've been exposed to is untrue. Telling people this stuff isn't a lost cause.

[wastedlike-all-mypotential]

TW: domestic abuse.

I went to see a movie tonight with themes of domestic violence and honestly it put me in a headspace that I have been desperately trying to escape from the majority of my life. I have spent a lifetime suppressing emotions and trauma in the hopes that it'll go away, that if I wish hard enough I could wish it into never existing in the first place, but the truth is that it's a part of me and has shaped me into who I am and if I don't address it then the shame will never end.

I was in an abusive relationship, on and off, from the ages of fourteen to twenty five with someone five years older than me. I'm twenty seven now which means I spent my entire teenage years loving someone that took every opportunity to abuse me, and a massive chunk of my adult life trying to run from it. I grew up in a house of fear and shame, of neglect and emotional, and sometimes physical, abuse. This made me the prime candidate for him to groom me and make me his victim.

At first, as always, it was picture perfect. I was so young and impressionable and he pulled out all the stops. He bought me my first ever flowers, took me on a real date, like adults do, showed me places I'd never been, taught me things I'd never known, told me that in him I always had a safe space. I'd never had a safe place before. I grew up with slamming doors and screaming matches. Parents using me as a manipulation tactic against each other. My mother reinforcing her generational trauma onto me and creating an eating disorder within me. I never once questioned why he would be interested in me when I was so much younger than him, I thought that I was special and that he must really love me to pick me out of all the other girls he could have had. I thought it was fate. I thought he loved me, like I loved him.

Slowly the abuse crept in. My safe space was pulled out from under me. It wasn't always physical, it was emotional and sexual at first. He manipulated me into doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, even if tears were streaming down my face. Everything had to be on his terms and I had no say in anything. I was so impressionable and I didn't know any better so I thought it was normal. He told me he didn't want to hang out with my friends because "they're silly little girls". I was the youngest of them. I wasn't allowed to have male friends, I couldn't make eye contact with any men in public. I'd have my hand crushed or my wrist pulled, or on nights when I was unluckiest, I'd have my head smashed against the car window or the wall of his room. I couldn't tell a soul what was happening to me because I couldn't register it as abuse. I'd tell myself he's trying to protect me, or he doesn't mean it, or he's having a bad day. I loved him and he loved me, and relationships are hard sometimes right? People hurt the ones they love, by accident, right?

I could be gone for days or weeks at a time from home and nobody would come looking for me. I wouldn't receive a text from my family asking where I was or who I was with, if I was safe. Even if they did, I would have to lie. I should've known things were bad if you have to lie about who you're with. I'd spend so much time at his parent's house where the abuse just intensified. His mother would see me covered in bruises and tell me "that's just how men are" or "you'll need to cover that if you're going home", "if you love him you'll put up with it". I was fifteen and this woman was reinforcing that abuse was normal to me. That her son, her precious son, was having a hard time and he didn't mean it. If I left him it meant I didn't love him. And I did love him. More than anything in the world. I wanted to love him forever, even if it meant enduring this. I still wonder if she regrets those words she said to me. I wonder if she knew that it would affect me for the rest of my life. I wonder if she was the subject of abuse too, and if so, wouldn't she try to stop the cycle with me? How could you justify domestic abuse to a fifteen year old? How could you reinforce that that's something as a woman we just have to accept? I will hold resentment towards her for the rest of my life but there is a massive part of me that feels so sorry for her. I wish I could've saved us both.

As I got older, I knew things weren't right but I still believed that it was my fault for the abuse. That I had caused him to act out, to not trust me, to abuse me. I couldn't breathe without notifying him. He tracked my every move, read my every message. I knew he was dangerous, and I loved him anyway. I chose to put up with the abuse by then because it was all I had ever known, and I couldn't picture my life without him. I couldn't picture a scenario where we wouldn't end up together. I prayed to every God out there, every shooting star, that he would change. That something in him would make him realise he was destroying me. That he would see the damage he was causing. I would pray that he would love me that tiny bit more to want to stop hurting me. If and when he did hurt me, he would make a big show of how apologetic he was. Tears welling in his eyes, "I love you Rach, I'm sorry. I won't do it again" and again, and again. Friends began to pick up on the abuse and they'd give me tough love which only drove me further away from them and closer to him.

The thing with abuse is people don't understand how difficult and dangerous it is to leave the abuse. "Just leave him" ok, he threatened to murder me if I did and I believe he could, so what now? Where do I go? Where do I run? Where do I hide? How do I stop myself from missing him? "Tell the police" ok, and tell them I've put up with this for several years? And then what, everybody finds out and I'm embarrassed? People that embarrass and shame you for experiencing abuse only make it harder to leave because you begin carrying this massive guilt over loving someone that is so capable of hurting you. People will say I've brought it on myself, that I did something to cause the abuse. Or worse, they'll pity me. They'll treat me differently. Suddenly I won't be the friend they can laugh with, they'll tiptoe around me. They won't see me for me, they'll see me as a shell of a girl they thought they knew. They'd judge me for putting myself in danger for the sake of so called love. People will never truly understand how difficult it is to leave until they're the victims. Until their life is at risk. Until there is no more option to forgive, until the only thing they can do is flee and hope and pray this time is the last time and that they'll come out the other end still breathing.

I did finally leave. I tried to at least, a million times. But he would always pull me back in. It could have been pleas and tears or threats, I caved and went back every time. Until I just couldn't anymore. I didn't recognise myself in the mirror, I couldn't bare to look at myself. I was exhausted. If this is what love is then I don't want it. I couldn't keep up appearances anymore. He took everything from me, I had nothing left to give. Every day was a war zone and every fight was scarier than the last. I could not have stayed any longer even if I wanted to. I knew it was only a matter of time before there was no recovery, there was no salvaging, there was no me. He would've went too far.

He stole all those years from me and I had nothing to show for it. I realised that he never loved me, I was just an easy target. He was sick in the mind. If it wasn't me, it would've been any other fourteen year old. It would've been any other impressionable naive teenager that didn't know better.

I have so many conflicted feelings now as a fully grown adult that is able to recognise the abuse and understand that it wasn't love. I feel anger, shame, embarrassment, heart break, disgust. He turned me into a monster. Men are disposable to me, I don't care about them. I will be reckless with their emotions and hurt them first before they ever get a chance to hurt me. I can't trust another man, I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. I have explained to men before the trauma he inflicted on me, in hopes that they'll understand and know I will never put up with that again, only for them to use that as a way to test my boundaries to see exactly what I will put up with. Men sexualise me on the internet on a daily basis and when I see their messages I'm sick to my stomach, another pawn to another man all over again. Every time I'm in the presence of a man I'm uncomfortable and on edge, I flinch if I see an arm movement. All the while still at times wishing that he could've changed, could've got his act together, and wishing the men I've spent time with were him. I would have rather danced with the devil I knew than the ones I didn't. He was my best friend, and that was the worst part. Just because I knew better didn't mean my feelings for him stopped. I still loved him. In fact, amongst all the anger and disgust, a little part of me will always love the person I thought he could've become.

I would never go back, ever again. And although I battle daily with the scars he left on me, there are parts of me I love that I wouldn't have if I didn't experience that. I wouldn't be confident. I wouldn't be strong minded. I wouldn't be empathetic. I wouldn't have such a strong sense of justice. I wouldnt feel so strongly about my female friendships. I wouldn't know what it's like to love someone so much, and I wouldn't know how to pull myself together after endless heartache. I wouldn't see the beauty in mundane things. I wouldn't feel my heart bursting with joy at every sunset and sunrise. I wouldn't feel the lyrics of songs as deeply as I do. I wouldn't be grateful for the air in my lungs and the sun on my skin.

There have been many nights where I thought I couldn't be without him, and many nights with him that I thought I'd never see another light of day. Sometimes the physical abuse would be so bad that I would wish for him to go that tiny bit further in ending it all so that I wouldn't have to wake up the next day just to cover the bruises to cover his tracks. To avoid making another excuse for him, to skip trying to find any single reason to understand his actions. But actually, at the end of it all, life is beautiful and I'm in love with living. He will never know this version of me. He will never know the songs I love now, or the friends I have, or the meals I can cook, or the parts of the world I've seen. He will never know the hobbies I'm good at, we will never share another moment together. He will never inflict pain on me again. I will never have to flinch ever again. He will never know me again and I have never been more thankful for that than right now in this moment.

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

The Naga Brute’s Warrior Mate by Robin O’Connor

Serpents of Serant # 2

Fabulously fun way to spend the afternoon and evening. So enjoyed returning to this Alien world where Naga males find their fated human mate ~ Anything can happen!

What I liked:

* Iave: banned from his clan, bigger and more scarred than many other Naga, fierce, taciturn, orphaned young, protective, knows that Kalani is his

* Kalani: space marine, orphaned young, moved around a lot, sharp shooter, strong, protective, tough, attracted to Iave and perfect for and with him

* The way both Iave and Kalani were protective of one another

* The time in the tunnels

* The “zombies” and what happened with them

* Wondering what happened that had most of the modern technology disappear on Serant

* Wondering what happened to Naomi who was lost and presumed dead

* Getting to see some of the characters from the previous book

* Wondering who Reid and Cosima will end up with AND what will happen if there are more human males that are found in the future

* Hoping that there will be more books in the series AND wondering if the people in this series might one day meet those from the Gladiators series

What I didn’t like:

* Who and what I was meant not to like

* Knowing that there are people like those in the UAR who are willing to sell others to make a buck

* Thinking about how the zombies/abominations were created and who was in charge

Did I enjoy this book? Yes

Would I read more in this series? Yes

Thank you to the author for the ARC – This is my honest review.

5 Stars

BLURB

Secrets, monsters, and one brutish Naga who just won’t give up. This is sure to be one twisted start to the afterlife. Kalani When I disobey a direct order my courtmarshal and execution are swift. My death? Not so much. When I find myself crash-landed on an alien planet with a real Naga, I know my government screwed me over one final time. Now I’m all about survival, and rescuing the injured human with me. To do that, I have to rely on the brutish male with the shimmering blue scales that just won't leave me alone. Everything between us is intense, from the fights to the staredowns to the explosive chemistry between us. Can I survive this hostile planet with my heart in one piece? Or am I going to be swept off my feet by the brute that wants to claim me? Iave Cast out by my Clan, I am done with them. But I’d do anything to help my friends, so I went to investigate the fallen sky-ship. I didn’t expect to find my mate, but there she was, a goddess fallen from the heavens. I will claim her, and I will conquer her heart. To do so, I will take my warrior mate wherever she wants to go. Even when it leads us to secrets, dangers, and one ill-conceived rescue mission. To have a family again, to fill my life with her warmth and laughter. I would go to the ends of the world. This is a standalone novel, and book two in the Serpents of Serant Series. This steamy sci-fi monster romance features one brutish Naga hunter, a badass black ex-space marine, and a steamy HEA.

Kindle Edition

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Robin O’Connor is the pen-name of a new indie author who loves to write about strong, alien heroes and quirky heroines. She lives with her husband and three year old son along with a couple hundred books (hers, definitely hers) and probably just as many computer parts (her husband’s). Her house therefore probably resembles something like a mad-scientist’s lab on any given day. She’s always working on at least a half dozen projects at the same time but is never without time to answer questions, write up funny extras or hang out in her group online to speak with her readers. Join her mailing list ➜ https://robinoconnor.ink/ Join her on Facebook ➜ https://www.facebook.com/RobinOConnor... Visit her website ➜ https://robinoconnor.ink/ Follow her on Twitter ➜ twitter.com/RobinOConnorInk Follow her on Instagram➜ instagram.com/robinoconnorofficial/

[mostkwnunkwn]

This is me.

Well, a piece of me.

I have a very deep love and respect for the gym.

I’m convinced it’s my soulmate

—sorry husband, you still come first

I recently shared with a peer how I have been able to be so consistent with waking up and going to the gym at 3 AM. Our conversation started off based on suggestions to help her wake up to make it to her fitness class in the mornings. In the midst of, I was given the space to shed some light on how I got to this place mentally.

Whew. I’ve never shared this in a public space so bare with me.

TRIGGER WARNING

I’ve had an entanglement with the gym since 2011. I had understood the value in exercise but I didn’t feel like I needed it. Outside of watching the best unknown basketball players beast in pick up games 99.9%, the other .1% I participated in an occasional cardio or Zumba session with my best girlfriend to have fun.

However, come 2013 I began to feel a shift. I big chopped all my hair to begin my natural journey and ironically I posted all about it on my other Tumblr page at the time. I started valuing exercise for more reasons than the physical aesthetics. I mean I was even running miles on the outdoor trail near my townhouse. Sis was inspired.

2015 life took a turn

—I met my ex. What I thought was going to be a fun and lighthearted relationship became 4 years in a black hole quickly. From being dragged out of a car, having a gun put to my head to stop me from trying to have somebody help me from my screams, being called disgusting names around his male and female friends when he was drunk, to being choked until I nearly couldn’t breathe, the list goes on.

2020 God saved me

At the very beginning of the pandemic, my abuser decided to tell me he was leaving me and moving to a new state. This meant I was finally free. TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

After liberation came depression. I felt so much relief and gratitude to know that God had more for me. Spoiler Alert, that didn’t save me from myself.

I couldn’t believe what I had allowed myself to go through.

Learning to trust yourself again is a tough process and should get talked about more.

I was engaging in detrimental behaviors like excessive drinking and sex thinking it would numb the way I was feeling. I had a talk with myself and realized the same energy I put into masking my pain I could put into healing. So I had to do right by ME. Make a change to do good for me, to do things to love and honor myself.

The gym became my sanctuary.

I was able to release and quiet negative thoughts.

I was able to show how powerful my body is.

How powerful I am.

It’s a time where I got to shift the narrative I created about myself during survival mode.

Fast forward to today.

2 0 2 3 I’m absolutely beasting in the gym. I’m in the best shape of my life. Mentally and physically. The gym kickstarted the reframing of my relationship with my health and myself as a whole. (which btw, I hope you take a ginger shot and your probiotics after reading this) There’s so many beautiful things I discovered about myself and I plan on sharing more with you all.

It’s easy to get wrapped into social media’s idea of the gym. I mean yeah it will give you a fat ass but there’s more depth to it if you really get intentional about it. It helped me find parts of myself I thought I lost and opened my eyes to parts of myself I had no idea about.

To anybody healing from abuse,

I pray for your freedom strength and protection.

I pray for your healing.

I pray you are surrounded by people you feel safe enough to confide in.

I pray you remember to be gentle with yourself.

I pray you forgive yourself.

I pray you find your true self.

I pray you remember the reasons you love you.

I pray you find things that bring you happiness.

I pray you are covered in peace and grace.

I love you.

signed,

themostkwnunknwn

[mackio-o]

songs that I associate the aot characters with

This is the first thing I’ve properly wrote on here. Hoping this goes well 🤞🏼 anyway It’s literally 3am rn so here are some songs that I associate with the aot characters. I tried to keep this as gender neutral as I possibly could. Lemme know if you guys like it and feel free to send me any headcanon ideas since I have alot. Enjoy?<3

Warnings: some mentions NSFW and obvious spoilers

Characters included: Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, Jean, Reiner, Levi, Hanji, Erwin

Eren:

Brazil by Declan McKenna

every time I listen to this song I just remember Eren. Especially a modern au version of him or junior high eren. I see the more playful and adorable side of eren and feel it in this song. I literally cannot unsee it

I can’t handle change by Roar

Maybe it’s the aries in him I don’t know but I just see him being in an angsty little mood and listening to this song. Eren relates to this song on an EMBARRASSING level. I feel like maybe he tried to deny it at first “no wtf I’m not that dramatic” as if he didn’t commit genocide to protect his friends but eventually I think he could even cry to this song at 3am. Aries pride tbh.

White Ferrari by Frank Ocean

Eren fucking cries to Frank ocean. Eren feels himself when he’s listening to Frank Ocean. If Frank Ocean asked Eren for a BJ eren would kneel down and put his whole erenussy into worshipping and pleasing his lord and savior Frank Ocean. I imagine being in the car alone with Eren in the middle of the night and White Ferrari comes on and you two sit in absolute silence enjoying the music (especially the outro). Heaven on Earth. Stolen glances between red lights and stop signs. Summer night, breeze gliding softly through your hair from the rolled down windows.

In My Room by Frank ocean

Eren smokes to this song. Eren does thirsts to this song. Eren fucks to this song. He’d fuck hard to this song. And if he couldn’t he’d a rub one to this song. Safe to say it’s on his sex playlist. Trust me. He told me to play it before we fucked in his room.

Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood

I’m just gonna leave this here and not elaborate 😭😭😭😭😭😭 NO EREN SLANDER HERE HE CAN LISTEN TO WHATEVER HE LIKES HOMEBOY ATE HIS DADDY OK.

Halley’s Comet by Billie Eilish

This one is completely personal and mainly about season 4 Eren it was after he sacrificed himself and I had woken up in the morning and when this song came on I started crying when I thought of him. Especially the part, “what a drag to love you like I do” and ever since then I could never get Eren unassociated with this song. Moreover I’m convinced he loves this song he’s a Billie boy deep down, it may not seem like it but he’d definitely listen to her music when he’s particularly down. Favorites of his; ‘I love you’, ‘listen before I go’, ‘therefore I am’ , ‘male fantasy’.

little person by Matt Maltease

He’d play this in the car and tap the steering wheel while humming softly. This is one of those chill sad songs Eren would drift toward during times where his energy is just drained and he just can’t act happy and energetic anymore. If he listens to this song with you, he really loves you and is comfortable with you. Eren is the type of guy who would only play songs that mean a lot to him around people he truly cares about and this is one of them. Eren is such a sweetheart and is genuinely such a good friend. He has literally killed for kids friends and would do it again if it meant he could keep the people he loves safe and happy.

Armin:

These foolish things by Nat King Cole

Armin is a jazz boy through and through. Nat King Cole litters this man’s playlist. This song just reminds me of him so much, everytime it plays it’s literally just Armin ringing in my head. Just being in his little blue mini cooper that’s his car fight me idc sipping ice teas driving around, or coming home from the beach and this song is playing on the car speakers; ranting about the most random things, from space to mythology. Anyway yeah jazz boy Armin all the way.

Good Looking by Suki Waterhouse

My good looking boy. He blames himself for absolutely everything and is constantly trying to figure everything out. “The skyline falls as I try to make sense of it all, I thought I’d uncovered your secrets but turns out there’s more”. He’s just a little sweetheart that deserves the biggest cuddle and kiss on the forehead. Precious ocean boy.

Pretty boy by The Neighbourhood

soft soft soft soft. Warm milk and honey. The smell of fresh linen sheets. The color blue. Armin. I have literally never heard a song that radiated armin energy more than this song. SOMEONE MAKE AN EDIT ALREADY. Armin would listen to this and would cry if anyone ever told him the song reminded them of him tears of joy tears of joy. But yeah this song is on his playlist. I see him painting or studying or even reading with this song in the background. Gift him this song and he’ll cherish you (and the song) forever.

Regent’s Park by Bruno Major

I’m convinced he’s the one who wrote this song, conspiracy theory🤔🤔. I genuinely believe Armin would resonate so deeply with this song especially the part; “No one wants to hear a song about the bitch that broke my heart”, get off my back he’d say this. Armin is an absolute sweetheart but fuck with him and you’ll lose him forever Scorpio pride. Also the instrumental, Mr ocean eyes would sway his hips to this shit no doubt abt it. He’d hum it. He’d whistle it. He’d tap the chorus on the steering wheel. He is an R&B king. Favorite genre of music for sure.

Astronomy by Conan Gray

I ASSOCIATE HIM WITH ASTRONOMY. i just KNOW he loves stars and stargazing. He’d have a list of his favorite constellations and if you ever asked him to talk about Astronomy or anything related HE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. New friendship achievement unlocked type shit.

Out like a light by The Honeysticks

Something about this song just reminds me of Armin and I stand by it. It’s such a good song and definitely an underrated Ricky Montgomery track tbh. Armin would love it too. I see this being one of the sadder songs on his playlist.I think Armin struggles with feeling used a lot or neglected, and this song helps him feel that. It’s validating and comforting to feel like there’s someone out there who feels the same way he does. Especially in the form of something as beautiful as this song.

Watercolor Eyes by Lana Del Rey

He’d cry the first time he hears the song, and after that experience, he forms an emotional attachment to the song and listens to it during quiet, chill moments similar to the scenario earlier where he’d play it in the car during golden hour coming back from the beach. Windows rolled down and a cool evening breeze gently seeping into the car which just makes everything feel so surreal. When you want an ethereal out of body experience Armin’s ur guy.

Good days by SZA

Might be a bit cliché but it’s just so golden and perfect for my golden boy. He’s just a comforting person his energy is so pure so I immediately think of him especially during the outro ( *instrumental* “always on my mind always on my mind mind”).

Also literally anything by Cody Fry, Armin would love.

Mikasa:

Ok honestly absolutely anything by mitski will remind me of Mika on some level. My emo girl is a mitski stan and you couldn’t change my mind abt it. Mitski all over her playlists. You ask her who her favorite artist is u bet it’s miss mitski. But more specifically;

Two slow dancers by Mitski

I CANNOT EXPLAIN THIS I JUST FEEL IT IN MY CORE. Mika may not be the most emotionally expressive person (istj) but she will sob to this song. Give my bbg a tissue, here honey lemme lend u my sleeve. Also if u ship eremika then this just supports it. “We’re just two slow dancers last ones out” ur fucking kidding.

Pink in the night by Mitski

I’m honestly not even going to explain this, just look “I hear my heart breaking tonight, Do you hear it too?” - “I could stare at your back all day, And I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right, Can I try again, try again, try again” enough said.

Sad girl by Lana Del Rey

She’s a Lana stan for sure. The questionable taste in men 🤨 this song just gives mika vibes but honestly the album in general, if she were an album she’d be ultraviolence. Honestly icon. Pretty girls who have incredible taste in fashion yet lack therefore when it comes to men.

I want you by Mitski

Im sorry for including YET another mitski song but this IS Mika, and Mika baby I feel you sweet girl. The ultimate sad girl anthem honestly Eren I’m looking at u. Living in her Tim burton era and this song is her soundtrack.

Mirror Ball by Taylor swift

THIS IS HER. “I’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me”. She would sacrifice her entire soul to show the person she loves what she sees. To show them how loved they are to protect them to keep them happy. She would lose herself in loving someone else Eren. She’d destroy herself in the process of protecting the one she loves.

Connie:

Rhinestone eyes by Gorillaz

absolutely any song by the Gorillaz would give me Connie vibes. Driving with Connie in the middle of the night belting out the lyrics to whatever Gorillaz song just came on.

Maniac by Conan Gray

Connie would scream the lyrics to this song and would turn to you “IF ANYONE DECIDES TO FUCK WITH YOU ILL SHOW UP AT THEIR HOUSE WITH A SHOVEL AND A ROSE” thank you Connie. Connie = 4lyfer.

Verbatim by Mother Mother

He’s a mother mother bitch. Yup yup. He’d rock his little bald head so enthusiastically the minute this song comes on. DOESNT EVEN KNOW THE LYRICS EITHER. “NANANANAN VERBATIM NANA LISTLESS VEGETATION” “..Connie it’s invitations” he looks up so innocently, confused “what?” “nothing nothing” “ok”. You wouldn’t have the heart to ruin the moment for him. He Carries on singing all the wrong lyrics. Smile and nod just smile and nod.

Remember When by Wallows

Wallows’ music always cheers me up and their music just has the same effect as Connie, and I see him absolutely adoring this song and it’s just such an adorable fact to me.

C U girl by Steve Lacy

HED BELT IT. He’d sing this song to his girlfriend or girl best friend, as I said before Connie = 4lyfer. GOOD VIBES.

Sasha :

Dancing with your ghost by Sasha Sloan

I listen to this when I miss her. Maybe it’s cause the artists name is Sasha aswell and that made me think of her. But yeah. Sasha.

Just a waste by pinkpantheress

Dancing to this song with Sasha and it being your song with her. As soon as this song plays you’d whip ur head in each other’s direction and bolt to each other and twist ur hip at the opening beat drop “OW” just start dancing ur heart out together.

Mr Loverman by Ricky Montgomery

Honorable mention; Someone once told me this song always reminded them of Nicolo and Sasha. And I never forgot that

Comfort crowd by Conan Gray

I SEE HER FACE EVERY TIME THIS SONG PLAYS. She’s so sweet and pure and PRECIOUS. I just want to hug her and dance to this song while putting ice cream into bowls getting ready to watch princess diaries together or a cheesy rom com to cry over while holding blankets in the dark.

Every Summertime by NIKI

enfp enfp enfp anthem. JUNIOR HIGH SASHA imagine doing that thing where u grab hands and twirl together really fast; Imagine doing that with this song. Yep. Sasha would play this song as much as she can and she’d get back into it EVERY summer(time) . All in all Sasha has the cutest most positive taste in music and everytime I hear a wholesome lively song chances are it reminded me of Sasha.

So Anxious by Ginuwine

Another song Sasha would love and it just gives me such good vibes that match Sasha’s if that makes sense?? Like it’s the same energy between the two of them. The same fun giddy feeling.

(She’d also love the entire album ‘SOUR’ by Olivia)

Jean:

Loverboy by A- Wall

HE IS THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF THIS SONG. Imagine him and his beautiful deep voice singing this song, he has a gorgeous singing voice I know it. This song just radiates his energy somehow and it’s just so wholesome and adorable.

Deja vu by Olivia Rodrigo

He will deny how much he loves this song he will deny it with his whole heart. But as soon as this song comes on in the car on shuffle. Give him a couple seconds he’ll be straining his vocal cords, belting the chorus alongside Eren who also denied how much he loved this song. “It’s cliché I would never listen to something so mainstream 🙄” not even a minute later, “SO WHEN YOU GONNA TELL HER THAT WE DID THAT TOO”. Gets so emotionally invested during this part: “PLAY HER PIANO BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT YOU BILLIE JOEL” aggressively pokes his chest to the point it’s red and he’s rubbing it after the song ends. who u singing abt jean🤔🤔🤔

Or Nah by SoMo

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM SORRY JEAN IM SORRY. This is an absolute callout. Jean would listen to this song and just sit and mull over sex fantasies and get horny in the process LMAO Jean would most likely only play this song during sex if he’s REALLY COMFORTABLE with his partner but it’s definitely on his bucket list, to fuck to this song. He listens to SoMo’s version cause it’s the superior one.

Checkmate by Conan Gray

He’d adore this song and it’s so fucking cute watching him slightly dance when it comes on. He’s a Conan boy I think, not a die hard fan but he listens every song that he releases and has a couple of his favorites in his playlist.

Lookalike by Conan Gray

This is his go to break up song, he relates to this song SO MUCH. He’d be the type of guy who would try and find someone to fill his partner’s place if they ever broke up but he’d never go through with anything more than a one night stand or rebound, cause he just wouldn’t be able to they don’t compare. He’d cry every night to this song for months after the breakup.

Dark Red by Steve Lacy

He thinks listening to Steve Lacy makes him a superior person with superior taste in music. He thinks dark red is so deep pretentious fuck. It’s definitely one of his favorite songs. Honestly jokes aside it does fit his vibe and he’s not too in your face abt it especially if u aren’t close with him. He won’t act all arrogant and cocky if he isn’t close with the person he’s with. He really does mean it halfheartedly and as a joke (kind of). oh he’d also rly like N side by Steve lacy so do with that what you will

Reiner:

I bet on losing dogs by Mitski

😐. *sobs uncontrollably* TRAUMA TRAUMA TRAUMA. Poor man just needs a big old bear hug. SOMEONE LET HIM REST. I just want to comfort him and this song just perfectly translates that??? (“ my baby my baby you’re my baby”). If anyone said that to him he’d burst into ugly ass tears and start wailing. Furthermore, he’d be the type to bet on a losing dog just so nobody has to feel alone, he tries to be there for people in ways nobody was, for him. Example of this is when he helped Armin during training, when Armin fell behind cause back when he was training nobody helped him when he fell behind, and he doesn’t want anybody to feel the way he did. Not if he can do anything about it. Brb gotta give Reiner a hug 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️

Cant pretend by Tom Odell

Uf. Fucking heartbreak. Pure heartbreak. Just go listen to the song and you’ll understand what I mean. Gotta go give my man another hug 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️

Until I found you by Stephen Sanchez

He’d ADORE this song. Listens to it non stop. He wants to play this for the person of his dreams and just dance to it with them. Big softie. He’d sing this song with his whole chest just completely in love with it and entranced.

Levi:

ok I have a lot to say *cracks knuckles*

Evermore by Dan Stevens

This song is literally Levi. It’s him singing. He told me. It’s how Levi experiences love this is how he feels when he’s in love scorpio moon asf. If anything were to happen if he lost the love of his life it would destroy him. He’d see them everywhere. He’d look for them in every crowd. They’d live in his head and haunt him for evermore. He could never get over a great love. He doesn’t fall in love easy because when he does, he never falls out of it no matter what. “Now I know she’ll never leave me, even as she runs away, she will still torment me, calm me, hurt me, move me, come what may” “Wasting in my lonely tower, Waiting by an open door, I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in, And as the long, long nights begin, I'll think of all that might have been, Waiting here for evermore”

August by Taylor Swift

He’d cherish all the memories he’s shared with the person he loves. He’d cherish all the time spent together. Levi lives in his head, he’s constantly thinking. So he’s the type of person who would find himself cursing the time for passing but eventually he’d except the fact that he can only cherish the memories and joy he felt in those moments, because time is never guaranteed. “It wasn’t mine to lose” “you weren’t mine to lose”. Furthermore, he would drop EVERYTHING for the person he loved “cancel all my plans just in case you called and said meet me behind the mall”.

505 by Arctic Monkeys

I have denied this for so long until eventually I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. This is his favorite song. It is. He could listen to 505 anytime of the day and not be bored. He absolutely loves this song. The build up and beat drop, the chorus absolutely everything about this song he loves

Lvr boy by awfultune

This is completely personal. But all in all if you ever sang this song to Levi he’d just immediately fall in love. He’d tear up but bury it with a sniffle. Ugh my love.

Compass by The Neighbourhood

“I’m lucky you’ve been keeping me around. You’re the star I look for every night, when it’s dark you stick right by my side” he wouldn’t ever believe that anybody could truly love him. That anybody would look at him with nothing other than love. And when he finds it, he will do everything in his power to satisfy his partner and give them what they deserve and love them right.

Folklore by Taylor Swift

I’m well aware this isn’t a song. But the entire album just screams Levi to me. He’d LOVE this album. I’m gonna tell you a secret. Levi Ackerman is a swiftie BUT HE WILL TAKE THAT INFORMATION WITH HIM TO THE GRAVE. he fucking loves her music but mostly it’s this album he’d cry to illicit affairs cause he knows he could very easily be caught in a situation like that. I’ll talk more in depth abt illicit affairs in a bit.

1 step forward 3 steps back

Mainly he just really likes the build of the song and the instrumental, piano whore. But he wouldn’t listen to the song often because this song absolutely terrifies him. Because he’s fucking terrified that if he was ever in a relationship his partner would see him this way because he would do anything to please his partner. He’d go above and beyond to make sure they’re happy, safe and that they feel loved. He cares about how the people he loves perceive him, so it worries him that the people he loves think he’d be like this in a relationship.

Nervous by The Neighbourhood

Making out with Levi to this song plays in my head like a tape every single time this song comes on. Sitting in his lap, hands in your hair, they slowly drift down to your hips and grip tighter when you bite his lower lip. I need to go drink some water 🤧

Nothing by Bruno Major

Levi is the type of man who would want his partner all to himself and want to spend pure uninterrupted quality time with them. “There’s nothing like doing nothing with you”. Watch a stupid rom com while holding them in his arms. Turn off their phones and toss them somewhere secluded in the house while he pulls them on top of him on the couch to forget about the movie and just make out until the credits roll. He’d prefer to stay in instead of go out. He’d rather see his partner in their loungewear it’s easier to take off (he’d also really love easily by Bruno Major aswell)

All mine by PLAZA

Levi would fuck to this song. He would fuck and fuck HARD to this song. If he had a sex playlist this song would be on it. He may not show it but Levi is possessive, he’s jealous (not in an obsessive or toxic way) but he just relishes in the fact that his partner WANTS to be his. He’s just so fucking proud to have his partner as HIS and his alone. And he wants to make this crystal clear to his partner. He wants his partner to know that he never wants to touch another person ever again that he never wants anyone to even think about touching what’s his. He wants to show them that they’re all his. And his alone. (Fucking fuck me already)

Apocalypse by Cigarettes after sex

Levi’s love is endgame. I’ve said this before but when Levi loves, it’s truly truly committed and loyal. Once he falls in love he’ll never fall out of it. The person he’s with is the person he’ll love forever. “Your lips my lips, Apocalypse” his love is all consuming, it consumes him. If anything were to happen to the love of his life. He’d never recover from it it’d be over for him after that. He’ll never love another person the same way ever again. His love is truly till death do us part. He would watch the world burn if it meant the love of his life was safe. His partner is his top priority. And always will be.

Illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

Levi hates the fact that he could easily be put in this situation, which is partially why he is terrified to be in a relationship. Because for the millionth time he would destroy himself entirely for his partner; “And you know damn well, For you I would ruin myself, A million little times” ur gonna tell me this isn’t something Levi would say to the love of his life in the dark while he holds their face between his hands, as his gun metal eyes brush over their features maybe even glaze over in a sheen of tears that the darkness would hide. Another thing is, as I said if his partner were to ever leave him, he’d be completely fucked cause; “You showed me colors, You know I can't see with anyone else” and “You taught me a secret language, I can't speak with anyone else”. He’d deny his feelings for someone at first. He’d deny deny deny. He doesn’t want to be completely overtaken by love he hates it because he knows that he’d be wrapped around his partner’s finger, completely. He’d be at his partner’s mercy, completely. He’d be completely vulnerable and bare infront of them and he’s terrified he’ll just get hurt again, this time in an even crueler way; “Don’t call me “baby” Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me” and “Don't call me "baby", Look at this idiotic fool that you made me”. He hates the effect his person has on him and he hates even more that he absolutely loves it and wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. Because for the first time, he feels there’s something to wake up for, there’s something that lights up his life. He’s so in love hurt him and I’ll cut you

Tchaikovsky (but more specifically Swan Lake Soundtrack)

Lastly Levi would LOVE Tchaikovsky and his works. Levi is a man with taste and he loves how he can feel the emotion in Tchaikovsky’s music without him having to speak a word. Tell me right now he wouldn’t absolutely adore swan lake. Idc how biased this may be I believe with my entire soul that Levi absolutely adores swan lake. The story. The aesthetic. But most importantly THE MUSIC.

Hanji:

I don’t have many for Hanji but the ones I do have are songs I genuinely can’t hear without thinking of her

Heat Waves by Glass Animals

I honestly can’t fully explain why I associate her with this song, but I do. It’s just so perfect? I just can’t unsee it.

To the wonder by Aqualung

I could never listen to this song without seeing hanji and crying. There’s an edit I saw of her to this song too. And it explains what I feel perfectly. I just can’t help but sob to this song honestly it breaks my heart every time I listen to it, and for me to associate the song with this edit just makes it worse.

This is the edit (contains manga spoilers) :

God, it kills me every time. sry :)

Erwin :

First and foremost let’s get this out of the way. Erwin, is a Beyoncé stan YES YES HE IS SHUT UP. dare I say it, he may even be a barb. I said what I fucking said. Erwin is a man of taste and he loves queen B. As he fucking should. King.

What about us by P!nk

I really really really don’t have to explain this but I will 😪 let’s look at the lyrics shall we; “what about us?” - “What about all the times you said you had the answers?” - “What about all the broken happy ever afters?” - “What about all the plans that ended in disaster?” - “What about love? What about trust? What about us?” This is literally all that Erwin has been fighting for. He heard his fallen comrades voices in his head. He wants to know the truth, Erwin believes he is the reason his father died, he longs to avenge his father and prove that what he was saying about the walls was the truth; “But man, you fooled us, enough is enough”. I have another point aswell: “Sticks and stones, they may break these bones, But then I'll be ready” HE LITERALLY LOST HIS ARM IT WAS CHOMPED OFF BY A TITAN and Erwin Smith LITERALLY went on to lead his soldier while STILL in the jaws of a titan. He saved Eren and sliced him out of Berthold’s arms with one arm. He stared the armored titan in the eye as he never wavered and stood tall and proud next to him, just glaring into his eyes with no fear.

I really hope you enjoyed this. It were really fun to write and again this is the first time for me ACTUALLY writing something on here so show some love if you liked it don’t be afraid to tell me I’d really appreciate the feedback and support <33

[theladyofbloodshed]

STEEL & FLAME - Part Eight

Just a short update but a little bit of fire there

It had been two days since Nesta had moved her scant belongings into a room in the manor house within the mortal lands. It had felt like longer. She felt on edge and uncomfortable in a new environment. With Jurian’s dark eyes constantly on her in common spaces, Nesta was uneasy. She did not trust him, not after what had happened with the King of Hybern. She had not yet seen Vassa, not truly. The winter nights meant she retired early on purpose before Vassa could shift from her fire-bird form. Nesta heard the three of them most evenings once she’d ignore Lucien’s knocking and pretended to be asleep. Their conversation was too muffled for Nesta to make out, but it was often punctuated with laughter. She'd not known friendship like that.

Lucien had been good to hide his disappointment when Nesta chose to stay in her room. He hadn’t passed a comment that Nesta had suddenly receded back into her shell at the change of environment. He was too good to ever pass a judgement on her out loud.

Out of politeness, Nesta did dine with the two males, barely speaking though. More often than not, Lucien seemed to brace himself each time Jurian opened his mouth, wary of what might pass the human’s lips.

Once she had relented to her room, Nesta’s shoulders would sag with relief. It was a nice room, really. One that she felt safe in. A little on the small side but spacious enough for her stacks of books and handful of dresses hanging in the white wood wardrobe. Sky blue paper was plastered on the walls and adorned with thin, silver stripes. Lucien had also installed a lock for her without needing to ask for one.

Had she made a mistake in coming to the mortal lands? Nesta could be hunted. Lucien would protect her, she knew that, but what did it mean for them? Was it an acceptance of “them” to move to the house? Surely, if it was, Lucien would have moved her into his own bedroom?

A light tap on the door dredged her from her pondering. Nesta sat straight-backed on the edge of the mattress. Dinner had only been half an hour ago; too early for her to feign sleep. Possibly, she could feign a headache. The door knocked again, a little more insistent this time. She asked for the caller to enter.

Lucien stood in the doorway, his white shirt was untucked and a couple of buttons were undone to expose the golden brown skin of his chest. Nesta gulped at the sight. He was disarmingly handsome. Long, red hair was tossed over one shoulder as he leant casually on the door frame.

‘You’ve become a ghost these last couple of days,’ he said gently. ‘Can I help you with anything?’

‘I am fine, thank you.’

Lucien took a step into the room then halted, glancing towards her in case she told him to stop. Nesta allowed him to enter her room. Such propriety seemed insignificant since their kisses on the couch in Velaris. The male settled beside her on the bed, the warmth of his body had her aching for a touch.

‘It’s freezing in… Sorry. My mistake,’ he said, eyes turning to the empty hearth. There was a stack of wood there that Nesta refused to touch. Even if she did want a fire, she had no idea how to light one anyway.

With a sharp flick of his wrist, flames burst to life. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? You must have been so cold these last two nights?’

‘I did not want to burden you.’

Lucien tucked a loose lock of her hair behind her ear. The touch made her shudder. ‘I told you that you could never be a burden to me.’ He leaned forwards, gently kissing the small patch of exposed skin on her shoulder where her dress scooped. ‘Would you like to tell me what is going on?’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said a little breathlessly as his lips pressed again a little higher up her neck.

‘Hmm,’ his lips remained on her skin. The vibration made Nesta tremble. ‘I mean that you will let me do this to you in private but won’t spend a moment in my company with others.’

Nesta jerked back from his touch. ‘I do not know them.’

Lucien tilted his head, a cocky smile spreading there. He knew exactly what a few touches of his lips did to her – and was proud of it. ‘And you will never know them by hiding away up here.’

They would not want to know Nesta.

‘It would mean a lot to me if you tried to engage with them, Nesta. Both Jurian and Vassa have been good to me these last few months. They know what you mean to me too,’ he explained, voice soft and encouraging as if trying to coax an animal out from its hiding spot. ‘Why don’t you try for an hour? After that I can provide you with an exit.’

‘What sort of an exit?’

‘I’ll spin a lie. You have a head ache or are suffering from ear ache from listening to Jurian.’ A broad hand settled on the bed beside her. She couldn’t help but imagine those hands running along her thighs. Lucien’s eyes suddenly went wide, sensing something. ‘What are you thinking about?’

‘Nothing. My book. That I’d like to read it in bed tonight. That’s all.’

‘I thought you’d finished Sweet Magnolias?’

On instinct, his eyes flicked to the stack of books beside her bed, the golden one whirring as it scanned the titles embossed along the spines.

‘I have, but there are other books to read, Lucien.’

‘All as riveting as that one?’

‘Even more so.’

Lucien’s eyes were alight with something dangerous. ‘You will have to tell me all about it. I’m intrigued to learn.’

Against better judgement, Nesta took Lucien’s arm as he led them downstairs into the living area. She had insisted that talk of her father was a topic that was not to be touched. She wouldn’t be held accountable for her reaction if the subject was broached.

The chatter died down between the two humans when they entered the room. Nesta inhaled, regarding them both for a long moment. Vassa was sprawled out on a lurid pink couch against the far wall, her red hair spilling over the arm of the couch. Jurian sat at the other end with his bare feet stretching towards the blazing fire. Nesta’s eyes went to it at once then she breathed a sigh of relief: it was Lucien’s magic again, keeping the flames glowing there. She supposed it saved coin on firewood. The room was cosy; not enormous but filled with light and warmth.

‘Nesta Archeron,’ Vassa acknowledged.

‘Your majesty,’ murmured Nesta in return, curtseying slightly whilst still holding onto Lucien’s elbow.

Jurian snorted. ‘Don’t inflate her head any more than it needs to be.’

‘I am a queen, you know.’

Vassa dug her heel into Jurian’s thigh until the male gripped hold of her foot. ‘Last I heard, you needed a kingdom to be a queen. You no longer have one.’ He held the squirming foot, tickling it until Vassa thrashed and squealed. Jurian only relented when her other foot kicked him hard in the leg.

‘This is a daily occurrence,’ Lucien explained in a dry voice.

There was one seat left in the room; a brown leather armchair. She recognised one of Lucien’s notebooks on top of a pile of parchment on the small table beside it. His favoured seat, she supposed. Jurian tracked her movements, a smile spreading across his attractive face.

‘Vassa can move her feet so you can sit by me, Nesta. Or I’m sure Lucien wouldn’t mind if you sat in his lap.’

Lucien gave him a warning glare. The man grinned with savage delight, watching Nesta’s deliberation. It was turning into a stalemate. Vassa hadn’t moved her legs; she was waiting to be asked.

Lucien stepped forwards as if he was about to ask her to vacate so he could take the seat by Jurian when a sudden surge of foolishness barrelled into Nesta. She forced Lucien into the armchair and took Jurian’s suggestion. Nesta slid onto his lap, giving the human her harshest glare from the other side of the room. A hand reached around her waist, lightly tugging her back so she wasn’t sat so awkwardly like a plank of wood. With one easy swoop, Lucien had scooped up her legs and tossed them over the arm of the chair so she was cradled against him. It wasn’t a position she was used to – nor one she ever thought she’d display in public.

‘Looks cosy,’ Jurian said with a leering grin.

‘Indeed,’ agreed Vassa, her blue eyes shining.

Lucien laughed. ‘Ignore them. They don’t speak to anyone else. They don’t know how to behave around company.’

The conversation diverted course to easy topics between the three. Vassa and Jurian were at each other’s throats constantly. If they weren’t bickering about each other, they were bickering about a mutual acquaintance. Lucien laughed along, his voice a soothing tone easing Nesta out of her discomfort. She still could not believe she’d clambered into his lap to prove a point to Jurian, but it was enjoyable. The chatter swirled around her while Lucien’s fingers trailed up and down her back, drawing pictures and patterns lightly though the material. Occasionally, a question would be asked of her. She had offered little information except that she and Lucien had survived off toast for days before Jurian had saved them both with his culinary skills.

It was an odd sort of friendship between the three exiles but Nesta did not wonder how they had become fast friends. Sparks passed between the three of them, conversation was fast and high-spirited – and all three were extremely comfortable in each other’s presence as if they had always known each other.

‘How’s your head now?’ Lucien asked, stroking a warm hand across her forehead. The casual displays of intimacy were second nature to him and Nesta wanted to learn to appreciate them rather than shy away. ‘Do you still have a headache?’

‘A little, yes. Would you escort me to my room?’

As they departed, Jurian wolf-whistled after them. It was to be expected; he’d spent most of his life in war camps surrounded by other males – the other portion had been trapped inside Amarantha’s ring and nobody knew the extent of the horrors he’d been forced to witness. A lack of manners was not the end of the world, Nesta supposed.

***

Nesta had managed one evening without splintering which Lucien decided was the best outcome as any. He understood that her healing would come through little and frequent pushing. She needed to be able to retire and recover.

On reflection, Lucien could not decide if bringing Nesta to the mortal lands was a mistake: Jurian and Vassa were mortal so he’d thought she might relate better to them, but Jurian was older than Lucien and Vassa was a queen. Both had dominant personalities too – and both enjoyed egging the other on to the point of explosion. Would Nesta long for her mortality again? Or would she feel, away from the taverns and the vibrant buildings of Velaris, as if the house was nothing more than a prison?

At the door to her bedroom, Nesta stilled. When her hand released its grip on his arm, Lucien felt a coldness in its absence as if Nesta was always meant to be part of him.

‘I will not be cross with you, Nesta, if you should like to return to Velaris.’

‘Why would I want to go back there?’

‘You don’t seem comfortable. Your family is in Velaris. There’s little for you here.’

‘It will take me time, but I will try more. I know I am difficult and hard. I will try to be better.’

‘Stop,’ Lucien demanded, voice flaring with anger. He very much wanted to return to Velaris and see the place smoulder to ruin. All of them had taken delight in telling Nesta that she was wicked, argumentative, and unwelcoming. How often had they trodden on her to mould her into what they wanted? ‘You are perfect just as you are. Do not change yourself to fit another’s desire.’

Nesta’s stare was intense enough to brand his skin. Silver flames danced in her irises. Lucien could not read her, could not decide whether she was about to slam the door in his face or wallop him, so hard and searching her gaze was upon him.

Then her lips were crashing into his. Arms weaving around his neck. Body pushing against his.

And he was kissing his mate back. Every synapse in his body was crying out for Nesta’s touch.

They staggered across the threshold of her room, her soft lips exploring his mouth eagerly.

An excited noise slipped from her lips as Lucien pushed them against the wall. The flames in her eyes swirled like a storm cloud as she tugged him closer again so Lucien could feel the softness of her breasts pressing against his chest. His hand dragged over her hip to rest around her waist.

He tilted Nesta’s face to grant better access to the soft skin of her neck. His lips trailed feather-light kisses across the pulse throbbing in her neck. A hand wove into his hair, firm enough to lure him back up to her mouth again, desperate to taste all of him.

Sparks ignited in his chest as Nesta’s lips parted slightly. She wanted this as much as he did. His tongue pressed between her lips. There was a moment of hesitation on Nesta’s part then she was following his motions.

He had to remember she was inexperienced, that he wouldn’t rush this moment, wouldn’t rush her into anything until she was ready. Nesta Archeron deserved to be thoroughly romanced.

His hand cradled Nesta’s cheek, slowing the pace of his kisses until they both agreed to stop. Breathless, they stood still pressed together against the wall. Their foreheads touched and he could feel Nesta’s heart pounding in her chest.

A dream. This female was a dream.

Nesta’s eyes fluttered open. Lucien could see himself reflected in her dilated pupils; saw the mass of scar tissue carved through half of his face. He tried to take a step back, but Nesta’s hand gripped to his upper arm, holding him there.

‘Everything I want is here, Lucien.’

He had to kiss her again. He’d crawl across broken glass for another touch.

The corners of her mouth tipped up as he gave her a chaste kiss. Lucien loved it when she smiled. It was so rare to see. More smiles would come. He would ensure his mate never felt anything but loved and happy and safe.

‘Would you like to go for a ride tomorrow?’

Nesta blinked several times then she whispered, ‘A ride?’

Heat scorched in her cheeks and it made Lucien want to press his mouth to hers again. ‘On a horse. What are those books teaching you? Your mind is constantly in the gutter, Nesta.’

‘Oh. I do not know how to ride.’

‘I would be glad to teach you.’

‘I’m sure you would,’ she purred.

‘More than you can imagine. It would bring me great pleasure to teach you how to ride.’

Her cheeks were flushed scarlet and Nesta was working hard to maintain her composure. She was failing miserably. Lust and passion pulsed down their bond – and it gave him a great deal of satisfaction to know that she could feel such things for him.

‘Since you have a headache, I shall not bother you any longer, my lady,’ he said, taking a step back. He would drive her wild with desire. This well-born lady would be begging him to be touched soon enough. Lucien caught her slender hand and kissed the top of it. ‘Until tomorrow.’