#i am not going to be bullied into pretending sex is the same thing as gender

[i-used-to-be-an-anti-feminist]

You can read one book and identify as a bookworm. You can see yourself as someone who loves books, and you can ask other people to refer to you as a bookworm. If someone who reads two books a day spends time with you and observes that you only watch movies, they may think you aren't a real lover of books, at least not in the same way they are. They may (out of courtesy to you) continue to affirm you are a bookworm by referring to you as one, but that does not change how they actually perceive you or what you actually are.

A female can dislike her breasts and identify as someone without breasts. She can have her breasts surgically removed, and have others participate in her identity as a breastless woman by observing that she does not have breasts and referring to her as such. However, she has not changed the material reality that she is someone who grows breasts, or she would not have needed to remove them in the first place.

A man can make observations about women's behavior and identify with them. He can then transition into the socially expected affectations of womanhood. He can wear clothes typically worn by women, he can adopt stereotypically feminine behaviors, and he can even alter his body such that external observers may not always identify that he is male. External observers may (out of courtesy for him or a genuine belief that he is female) refer to him as a woman. However, this does not change their genuine perception of his maleness, nor the material reality that he is male. While it is possible to identify with gender (which is a set of behaviors typically assigned to one's sex) it is physically impossible to identify out of one's actual sex. Males can become transwomen, but they can never become female, or they would be female and would not by definition have needed to transition.

This fact does not make transwomen less worthy of respect, human rights, bodily autonomy, adequate healthcare, or freedom from harassment. But it does not grant them the right to demand that others participate in a lie that they are female. It does not grant them universal access to spaces reserved for females, nor does it grant them the right to shame or police a female's personal observations and preferences. Transgender individuals deserve to be treated with kindness, courtesy, and human dignity, but they do not deserve to be treated like gods.

[inkskinned]

it is totally okay to be hurt and tired and fed up with the american schooling system but i need you to understand that we need to be better about loudly and routinely defending public education.

yes, many teachers suck, many schools utterly suck. i also got bullied and was absolutely not given the right support for my needs. i am not defending public education because it was kind to me. i am defending it because it needs to exist.

right-wing republicans do not want an educated population. they want kids to be homeschooled or in private school. there is a huge religious undertone to this.

the most common argument is that despite high costs, the "result" is not "good" enough. they point to failing schools as proof that public education is just never going to work out. there will be arguments made here that you actually agree with: that teachers can be bullies, that we taught online for 2 years and still charged the same amount of tuition, that we have no recourse for students to actually have agency or a voice, and that schools are now unsafe for kids due to risk of illness and gun violence.

these are all placing the blame in a fraudulent way, one intended to get your parents to homeschool you. the less kids in a school, the less federally-awarded funding for that school, the less any school succeeds. they will not mention the fact it is their legislation that takes away important funding opportunities, that teachers are living at or below the poverty line, that buildings are not kept up to code, that administration is overpaid and forces specific curriculums, that corporations like (my personal enemy) Pearson Education control certain classroom goals because teachers can't afford other options. they pretend to be ignorant of the gun violence and say "oh just get a gun" - but these are the same people who will be sending their child to a private school with a bulletproof backpack. they don't care if your kid dies, though. they "don't believe" in covid, but they did get their kid vaccinated, because of course they did.

it is a closed loop. conservative parents hear the fearmongering and remove children from the system. frequently these parents are also deeply religious. the kids are raised without access to other media & learn to parrot their parents. you have now created a new generation of conservatives. additionally, one of the parents/caregivers must stay home and homeschool the children, usually for free. i will give you 1 guess which parent tends to stay home to homeschool the children. these parents are encouraged to have many, many children. those children are most likely not getting access to safe sex ed.

we might laugh at fox news suggesting teachers are forcing children to use kitty litter but: first of all, there is kitty litter in the classroom. it's part of an emergency kit in case children are locked in due to a shooter. so that's fucking dystopian, and the fact they've completely reimagined the scenario to somehow make the teachers look bad when it's instead a fucking huge symbol of our failure as a country to protect our children.... it feels a little intentional.

secondly: don't just dismiss the situation. because, yeah, obviously, no teacher is encouraging kids to be a catboy. but the actual undertone that fox news is trying to sew is an outright distrust of teachers and of public education. they rely on the dehumanization of trans people as a common touchstone to hide the fact they're pushing two agendas at once. (which is ironic. because the thing they accuse teachers of. is pushing. an agenda.)

whenever someone tells you they want you to read less, you should be suspicious of that. when someone tries to separate you and your education, you should be suspicious of that. i don't even like incel rhetoric nor would i want my kids exposed to it - but i would not take away my child's (age-appropriate) access to the internet. i would just provide more educational materials, not less. the difference here is that i believe we can resolve ignorance with knowledge; whereas conservatives believe that ignorance is bliss.

they misappropriate funding and demonize teachers. they pull the same trick each time - the same thing we are seeing with anti-trans rhetoric. they do not want you to have access to safe sex ed, so they act horrified, claim sex ed teaches you how to thrust deep, claim that we have no idea what "age-appropriate" means. since the mid-nineties, the united states has spent at least 2 billion dollars on abstinence-only education, even though to quote the above link: "a preponderance of studies has found no effect of abstinence education at reducing adolescent pregnancy". conservatives want you to think less of any person struggling with addiction so they can continue their racist "war on drugs", so they spend up to $750 million dollars a year on the DARE program which has absolutely no effect. acting like teachers "must" be "grooming" children is just the same thing - so they can demand that funding either goes to their causes or the funding doesn't "exist" ("i'm not paying for our kids to learn that thing!")

and they want you to feel uncaring about this. they are aware that you will hate some parts of your school experience. pretty much everyone does. they want to lean into the parts that you hate so that you don't put up a fight about it when they take it away for not being "good enough."

i know i maybe sound like a conspiracy theorist. but truly. truly. it is beneficial for conservatives to reduce your faith in the american public schooling system.

one of the explicitly stated campaign promises of the conservative party: to axe the Department of Education in 2024.

i know we are all tired and burnt out and there is so much else wrong with their entire platform. but maybe just - pay attention to this one.

[wooahaeproductions]

You Drive Me Crazy (But It Feels Alright)

Lee Jihoon (Woozi) x Female Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, smut, fake dating au, 90s au, ex-best friends au, and heavily based off the movie You Drive Me Crazy

Word Count: 15.2k (IM SO SORRY🙃 )

Warnings: language, mentions of terminal illness and death, bullying, drinking, drunken bad ideas, mentions of medicine, cheating, breakups, general college debauchery, making fun of furs in the fashion industry (used only to go with the 90s vibes), lots of feelings and oppressing them, jokes and conversations about sex, making out and kissing, and mentions of vomiting.

Smut Warnings: a little dry humping, semi public sex in a backyard treehouse? and protected sex (honestly the smut in this is pretty vanilla)

Rating: 18+

A/N: After forever, I’m excited to present this fic to you. I have never written anything this long before so once again I am sorry. Thank you to @beomcoups and @mingsolo for hosting the Now That’s 90’s! collab, as a 90s kid myself it was my pleasure to participate. Please go check out all the other amazing writers who joined as well!

Special thanks to Indi @playmetheclassics and Sammie @slightlymore for beta reading this monster for me. You guys are the best and I love you 💕 ~Bee

Network tags: @kbookshelf

With one last glance at your appearance in the mirror, you grabbed your bookbag from the chair in the corner of your room. You headed down the long curved staircase before opening the front door of the sorority house. 

You were almost going to be late, and to make matters worse, you came face-to-face with your enemy at the end of the driveway. Which wasn’t that unusual since he walked this way too, despite living further away, but you tried your best to avoid him anyway.

“Ew, what are you doing here?” Jihoon asks, walking past you at the driveway and lifting his lip in disgust.

“I live at the sorority, remember, asshole?” you spat, hating the fact that you had to walk in the same direction to get to campus. You two had been this way for a long time now, and it had become a habit to be prickly toward him. 

It hadn’t always been like that, though. In fact, you guys used to be best friends, completely inseparable. At least until his mom got sick when you were in junior high, and he started hanging out with some different people and getting into trouble. You then got in with the popular kids, and you and Jihoon have become enemies ever since. 

You two walked stiffly beside each other as you reached the edge of campus, and Jihoon’s friends appeared. Seokmin put him in a small headlock, and Seungkwan gave you a small smile while Wonwoo just shook his head. You actually knew his three best friends as well. You all used to hang out way back when. You smiled meekly back before arms wrapped around your shoulders, and your boyfriend, Johnny, had found you as well. 

“Hey, babe,” Johnny said, smacking a kiss near your ear. You resisted the urge to cringe. He was in the popular crowd too, a football player. While he wasn’t that bad and was easy on the eyes, he was boring, only caring about football and whatever party was next to attend. You missed having someone with a level of intelligence, someone you could debate things with like you used to do with Jihoon. It didn’t matter, though. You were enemies now, and nothing would change that. 

You made it through your first few classes, and you were having lunch in the courtyard with Johnny along with what you considered the entire popular crew, including your best friend, Jennie. You sat at a long table, eating a sandwich while everyone talked about the next football game and a party at Mingyu’s that was happening later. 

Across the courtyard, you spotted Jihoon in your line of vision, his girlfriend pushing him against the concrete wall, practically sucking his face off. You swallowed a bite of your sandwich, trying not to gag. Just as you turned away from the sight, Seungkwan was walking past. Before you could stop him, Johnny pretended to accidentally put his foot out in front of him. Seungkwan tripped over it, dropping the food he was carrying all over the ground and falling forward. The entire table erupted in laughter as Johnny retracted his foot like it had never been there. “Having trouble walking, Kwannie?” Johnny’s best friend, Mark heckled.

Seungkwan looked at Mark and Johnny with loathing. You got up, giving Johnny and Mark a glare. “What? We were only having some fun,” Johnny said innocently. You threw what was left of your food in the trash and walked over to Seungkwan. You stuck your hand out, letting him grab it and helped him up from the ground. 

“Thanks, Y/N. You know you didn’t have to,” he said.

“I know, Seungkwan, but it’s not like I hate you too,” you said softly.

“See you around,” he said, a sad smile on his face before he walked out of the courtyard.

Later that evening, you were getting ready for Mingyu’s party with Jennie because both she and Johnny insisted you had to appear. “So, our sorority ball is coming up…do you think Johnny is going to ask you soon?” Jennie asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to. I mean, who else would I go with?” you said, brushing off her question. You were helping plan the entire thing, and he knew it was important, so there wasn’t any reason why he wouldn’t be asking you. 

She nodded, but her face said she was skeptical. “What about you? Has anyone asked you yet?” You turned the question around on her.

“No, but I’m sure Mingyu or Taeyong will ask. It’s not like I don’t have options,” she bragged, and you struggled to hide your contempt. While you were part of the popular crowd, Jennie had always been the most popular. Others were more drawn to her than you.

You escaped the rest of the conversation with Jennie when it was interrupted by a honking sound, indicating Johnny was there to pick the two of you up to go to the party. You both walked outside and as you approached his truck, you heard music blasting out of the open windows. Mark was in the front passenger seat while you and Jennie slipped in the back with Mark’s girlfriend, Miyeon.

Miyeon waved at you and you barely got your seatbelt on before the truck lurched forward, making its way down the road towards Mingyu’s house. “Who’s ready to dominate at pong tonight?” Mark bragged.

“Yeahhhhh,” Johnny enthused, reaching over to bump Mark’s fist with his. You rolled your eyes and looked over at Jennie. She just shrugged at you like it wasn’t as big of an annoyance as you were making it out to be.

The truck swung into the driveway of Mingyu’s house, and as Johnny cut the engine, it was replaced by the louder sounds of the house party. More music blasted from the back of the house where the pool was, and you could hear the sounds of splashing along with the hum of many people conversing at once. 

You followed behind Johnny as you weaved through the house, making your way to the kitchen for a drink. The large island was littered with many types of alcohol and random snacks. The signature punch bowl filled with some sort of pink liquid had also made its usual appearance, but you had made that mistake enough times and knew better enough to stay far away from it. 

You grabbed a red solo cup from the stack on the counter, making a mixed drink out of some random soda and liquor that sounded decent. It looked like Johnny had done the same and was pulling you by the hand to go out in the backyard where Mingyu and the rest of their buddies were. Jennie was already cozying up and dancing with some guy you didn’t recognize, likely from another university.

Meanwhile, Jihoon was on a date with his girlfriend, Shayla at a weird little bar across ton. Well, it was supposed to be a date, but all Jihoon had done was down beers while Shayla listened to some guy on the stage in front drone on about how real furs were being used in the fashion industry.

Jihoon hated how Shayla was looking at this guy, like he was the one single-handedly stopping the usage of real furs. Never mind the fact that she was on a date with Jihoon, her boyfriend. Jihoon scowled as he chugged beer after beer. 

He didn’t even notice how drunk he was until he got up and the room started spinning slightly. Stumbling over his chair, he looked over to find that Shayla had gone to the edge of the stage and was actively flirting with the fur guy. Jihoon needed to go to the bathroom and then he needed to get out of there. 

As he was washing his hands in the bathroom, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and realized he had started to sober up rather quickly, but he had ridden here with Shayla. Jihoon found the pay phone near the door of the bar. The opening and closing of the door created cold rushes of air, sobering him even more. He called one of his best friends, who also happened to be a designated driver for when the popular kids had parties. 

After feeding the pay phone the correct amount of coins and dialing the number, Wonwoo’s voice picked up after a few rings. “Jihoooonnnn, what’s up?” Wonwoo asked.

“Can you come get me from that stupid bar Shayla likes? I drank, and Shayla drove here,” Jihoon explained. 

“And you aren’t coming back with her?” Wonwoo questioned. Jihoon looked back toward the table he had been at with Shayla, only to find her making out with the fur dude.

“No, we broke up,” he said, bitterly. 

Wonwoo sighed. “Alright, I’ll come get you before we head to pick someone up at Mingyu’s party,” he said before hanging up. 

Jihoon hung up the line on his end and made a beeline back to where Shayla was. He tapped on her shoulder, breaking her from the make-out session, and immediately her face turned into one of someone who had been caught.

“We’re done, Shayla,” Jihoon said, rather dryly. He turned on his heel, not waiting for a reaction from her and walked out of the bar to wait for Wonwoo outside in the parking lot. 

When Jihoon was busy drowning in beers at the bar, you were also having an unfortunate turn of events. The party started out fine, you were having a good time dancing with Johnny and it progressed into being his partner for beer pong against Mark and Miyeon. 

Unfortunately, you and Johnny were losing. It started out okay, Johnny was being a bit of a gentleman and was drinking for you, but that was leaving him pretty smashed. It was Mark’s turn and he had gotten the ball in another cup, making Johnny drink yet another cup of beer. 

Johnny stumbled backward, spilling most of the contents of his cup on a girl who was walking behind him. It was like a scene from a movie, you watched as Johnny apologized to her and their eyes met each other’s. Anyone around could have seen the immediate connection. 

You originally tried to brush it off but with Johnny being as drunk as he was, it was apparent that something was bound to happen. Later, when you had come inside to use the bathroom, you would find Johnny and that girl sucking face right next to the bathroom door.

A screamed breakup and way too many drinks later, Jennie had called a designated driver to take you home. You sat on Mingyu’s front porch, sulking and watching the world spin when Wonwoo’s car pulled up. 

“Hey there, Y/N,” Wonwoo said, getting out of the driver's seat and approaching you on the porch. You gave him a nonchalant peace sign before noticing he had another passenger in the car. 

“Oh, great. That’s just the thing to top off my night, being stuck in a car with Jihoon while I’m drunk,” you said sarcastically, letting Wonwoo lead you down the steps and toward the car.

“I know, Y/N, but he called me too, and he is my friend as well. Try to bear with it, and you’ll be home soon enough,” Wonwoo said, knowing full well the relationship, or rather hate-ship, between you and Jihoon.

You rolled your eyes but slid into the seat next to Jihoon as Wonwoo shut the door after you. “Seriously, Wonwoo? This is who you needed to pick up from Mingyu’s party?” Jihoon’s annoyance was evident. Already tired from your rant, Wonwoo just gave him a hard stare in the rearview mirror. 

Leaving the party, the car was silent until Wonwoo brought up the reason for picking you up. “Y/N, you aren’t one to get that drunk at these parties. Jennie may have mentioned something happened..” 

You pulled your sweater around you and grumbled. “Johnny got too drunk, and after some weird drama connection shit, I found him and a girl from another university making out. He claims they ‘fell in love’,” you explained, using air quotes at the end. 

“So you broke up?” Jihoon’s question surprised you, but you were too tired and drunk to actively be rude to him

“Yeah, we broke up,” you confirmed.

“Seems to be the theme tonight,” Wonwoo mused from the front seat.

Confused, you looked over at Jihoon who was picking at his hands and looking at something particularly enthralling on the floor of the automobile. So, he and Shayla must have broken up as well. You felt that was interesting since they seemed attached at the hip, attached at the mouth too. Jihoon looked out the window now, and you saw a hurt in his eyes that he so seldom showed, but it was a familiar vulnerability that you remember from when you were kids. 

“We’re here, Y/N,” Wonwoo announced, and you realized he had pulled up in front of your sorority house. You didn’t know if it was the alcohol or being in an enclosed space with Jihoon that messed with your perception of time, but you were home quicker than you expected.

“Oh. Um, thanks, Wonwoo,” you mumbled, pushing the passenger door of the car open.

“Are you good? Can you get to the door okay?” Wonwoo asked.

“Yeah,” you responded, swinging your heavy-feeling feet out of the car before shutting the door a little harder than you meant to.

Jihoon watched as you stumbled down the walkway and nearly smacked yourself in the knee when you opened the front door of the sorority, a chuckle escaping him. “Was that a laugh I heard?” Wonwoo asked, turning around in his seat to scrutinize Jihoon’s expression.

���No…” Jihoon mumbled and cleared his throat. Wonwoo just shook his head, turned back to the front and pulled away from the sorority house to drop off his friend. 

“So, are you really that broken up about Shayla?” Wonwoo inquired, filling the five-minute drive with conversation.

“Honestly? Not really. I’m more upset about the way we broke up rather than the actual break up,” Jihoon explained, his hand running at his bangs in annoyance.

“Seriously. Out of everyone she could have kissed, it was some dumb activist guy at the bar. Now that you guys are over, I can say this, but Seok, Seungkwan, and I didn’t really think she fit with you. You deserve so much better,” Wonwoo ranted on Jihoon’s behalf.

The car had pulled up in Jihoon’s driveway while they were talking, and Jihoon slapped a hand on Wonwoo’s shoulder as he got up from the backseat. “Thanks, Woo. I know you guys didn’t care for her much, so now it’s ancient history,” Jihoon said, leaving Wonwoo alone in the car and making his way up his front porch steps.

He had barely gotten into the house and gone up the stairs to his room to flop onto his bed when the phone rang. “No, Seokmin. For the final time, we are not adding dancing suns to the music video edit,” Jihoon said into the phone automatically, not even bothering to say a greeting first.

“Uh, what?” you asked, confused.

Hearing your voice on the other line caused Jihoon to sit upright immediately. “Y/N? How did you get this number?” he questioned, surprised. 

“I remembered it..” you said, softly. As much as you hated Jihoon, your memories of your childhood remained, and that included his phone number. 

“Oh. So..why are you calling?” he asked, falling back onto his bed.

“I had an idea. What if...we dated each other?” You stated your idea, twirling the phone cord around your finger.

“What if we what? Y/N, you’re drunk,” Jihoon exclaimed.

“I'm not anymore, just hear me out. Not really dating but just pretending so that we could get what we wanted. I’d get to go to the sorority dance that I worked hard to plan and maintain my status while making Johnny jealous, and you’d get to show Shayla that she made a big mistake,” you blurted out your crazy idea.

“I don't know where you got this insane idea, but you should drink some water and take an ibuprofen for the nasty headache you’ll have in the morning,” he said, sighing.

“I’m serious, just think about it okay? Goodnight, Ji,” you said, his old nickname rolling off your tongue easily. 

Jihoon sighed again, “Good night, Y/N,” and he hung up the phone before falling asleep.

Your sleep was invaded by the sunlight shining in through your window, and as you opened your eyes, the splitting headache that resulted from last night's events made itself known. You sat up in bed slowly, pressing the palm of your hand against your eyes as if that would help when you remembered your phone call last night with Jihoon. He told you to drink water and take an ibuprofen.

You got up sluggishly and made your way to the bathroom, grabbing the cup that you left on the counter for when you got thirsty in the middle of the night. You filled it with water from the sink and found the ibuprofen bottle that was kept in the cabinet, spilling two pills into your palm. You popped them in your mouth and knocked them back, taking a drink of the water to swallow them. 

As you took a second drink of water for good measure, the rest of your conversation with Jihoon passed through your memories, and you spit water all over the mirror in front of you. You knew that you had been thinking how pretending to date each other would be an option, but you didn’t think you would actually ask him to do it. Apparently, drunken Y/N thought otherwise and had straight up called him and asked him to do it.

You smacked yourself in the forehead, making your head feel worse. “Well, it’s been said. And he didn’t agree to it yet, so let’s see what happens,” you murmured to yourself, resigned to the fact that it had indeed been said and maybe he wouldn’t go for it. No sense in being embarrassed about something you barely remember saying.

Which is why you didn’t expect to have Jihoon standing in front of you in the campus cafe on Monday morning saying, “I’ll do it,” causing you to spit your drink out for the second time in three days.

“You’ll what?” you asked, incredulous, as you wiped the coffee you sprayed all over the table in front of you. 

Jihoon sighed, not wanting to repeat himself. “I said, I’ll do it. Let’s fake date,” he repeated anyway, slowly to make his words heard. You blinked and just stared at him, absorbing what he just said. He stared back, his eyes boring into yours, and you saw no sign of his usual pettiness or jokes.

“Okay,” you finally breathed out, “but we should have some rules.”

“Agreed,” he said, sitting down next to you now.

“Okay….” you said, mulling over what those rules would actually be. “Alright, you’ll need a makeover. No one would believe we are together looking like…this,” you continued, gesturing at his overall self.

“Like what, Y/N?” Jihoon asked, even though he knew full well what you meant.

“We need to make it seem like you are someone I’d go for,” you said, trying to make your case.

“Fine, but I will not like it,” he replied with a glare, and you let out a little triumphant smile. “So then the other rule is that we have an easy out clause,” he said, offering a rule of his own.

“An easy out clause?” you questioned. 

“Yeah. So we can end the fake relationship at any time for any reason, and there won’t be any hard feelings. Other than the ones we already have for each other, of course,” Jihoon continued.

“Alright, an easy out clause,” you agreed. You let the awkward silence stew between the two of you for a bit before you spoke once more. “We both have classes until 4 pm today and then I have some work for the ball to do…are you free tomorrow night?”

“I think so, but why?” he asked, skeptically.

“So we can take care of the first rule, your makeover,” you replied.

Jihoon grimaced. “Okay, meet me in front of my house at 6 pm tomorrow,” he said, getting up and stuffing his hands in his pockets before leaving for his class. You attempted to finish what was left of your coffee and head off to your next class as well.

The next day at 6 pm, like promised, you were standing in front of a very familiar house from your childhood-Jihoon’s house. While you joined a sorority and lived on campus, Jihoon still lived here with his dad. Not only was it close to the university, but you figured some part of him didn’t want to leave his dad alone. 

You took a deep breath and walked up the front steps, ringing the doorbell. The door swung open, revealing Jihoon’s dad. “Well hello, Y/N. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you,” he said, opening the door further to let you step inside. 

“Hi Mr. Lee,” you said, standing in the foyer rather awkwardly. Honestly, the last time you stepped foot in this house was the day of Mrs. Lee’s funeral. It was also the last time you and Jihoon acted like friends.

“Ji should be down in a minute,” Mr Lee said, leaving you and going back into the kitchen. You looked down at your feet, rocking back and forth on your heels until you heard the creaking of the stairs. Jihoon looked like his usual self, wearing jeans and a band tee. You couldn’t help but smile. However, if the two of you dating were to seem real then he needed to fit in with the popular crowd. And that started with a look that aligned with that.

Jihoon cleared his throat, suddenly standing in front of you, and you realized you must have spaced out. “Ready?” he asked.

“Yeah, we should get going,” you said. He grabbed his car keys from the small table near the door before ushering you back through the front door and closing it behind him. He also opened the passenger door of the car for you, making you quirk an eyebrow at his actions. His only response was a shrug of the shoulders. 

After you were both settled in the car he asked, “So where to?”

“The mall,” you responded with an excited smile.

Jihoon groaned, “Are you trying to kill my reputation as a geek?” You blinked, surprised at his joking tone before letting out a giggle.

“Precisely,” you answered, laughing once more. Jihoon started the car, driving toward the demise of his geekdom, or at least the image of it.

After about fifteen minutes had passed, he pulled into the parking lot of the city mall, also known as the place where all the popular kids shopped and hung out. 

You walked into the large, store-filled building with Jihoon trailing behind you. Pausing at the entrance, you thought about what you needed to do first. “New outfits,” you pondered out loud. You looked over at Jihoon who was mashing his lips together and you grabbed the edge of his shirt, pulling him with you to the first clothing store.

You deposited him in the middle of the store, near the dressing rooms. Jihoon stood there almost in awe as you swirled around the store, picking up different combinations of pants and shirts to create outfits for him to try on. He was already exhausted, and he hadn’t even tried anything on yet.

After what felt like forever, you returned, holding up multiple outfits for him. He sighed, something he was doing a lot when he was with you. “The sooner you try them on, the sooner we can be done,” you said, trying to sound motivating. Lucky for you, he knew you were right and took the hangers of clothes from you. He trudged into the dressing room and shut the door behind him.

You made him come out after every outfit, much to his annoyance. You rather enjoyed it, clapping and smiling for most of the outfits. You were proud of yourself for picking things out that made him look the perfect mix of sophisticated and casual. You gathered all the outfits that worked and brought them up to the checkout counter, once again with Jihoon trailing behind you. 

Coming to stand next to you, Jihoon went to take his wallet out of his pocket, but you grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Don’t worry about it. It was my idea for the makeover,” you said, handing money to the cashier as she placed his new clothes in a bag. She handed the bag to you.

“Are you sure?” Jihoon asked.

“I’m sure,” you confirmed, handing the bag of clothes over to him. As you pulled your hand away, your stomach let out a few grumbles. 

He let out an amused snort and said, “This place has a food court, right?” You nodded, and your stomach grumbled some more. “Let’s get some food then.” 

You led the way toward the center of the mall, where all the food smells were coming from and a few minutes later, the two of you sat across from each other at a table with pieces of pizza in front of you. Another memory with Jihoon crossed your mind as you chewed a piece of the cheesy slice. “You remember the time Seungkwan’s mom specially bought that only cheese pizza for him at your birthday party and when he fell asleep early, we ate it all?” you asked, a smirk gracing your face as you remembered your childhood antics.

“He was so mad. He didn’t talk to us for like a week and then hid his pizza the next time there was a party,” Jihoon laughed. It grew silent again after that, not exactly an awkward silence but not a comfortable one either. You were nearly done with your pizza when Jihoon asked another question. “This makeover doesn’t include other things, like cutting my hair or something?” 

You looked up at him. You looked at his slightly shaggy black hair and his bangs that lightly brushed over his forehead. You didn’t know what possessed you, but you reached forward and grazed you fingered through the ends of his hair. Your eyes locked and instead of the growling it had done earlier, your stomach did flip flops. You panicked slightly and abruptly pulled your hand away.  “No, I don’t think we need to change anything else..” you said, looking down at the table.

Before things could get weirder, you two finished eating and left the mall with your mission accomplished. 

The car was quiet as it sat in the driveway of your sorority and Jihoon wondered why you hadn’t taken your seatbelt off to get out of the car yet. You were struggling, debating whether you wanted to tell him something that you had thought about telling him for ages. What better time than to say it now, a day when you spent the most time with him than you had in years? 

“Listen, Jihoon…” you started in a bit of a solemn tone. He turned to look at you. “When your mom got sick, I just didn’t know what to do or how to feel. Then at her funeral, I wasn’t sure how to comfort you or even if I could. And then you started getting in trouble at school and hanging out with other people. I’m just…I’m sorry.” 

Jihoon gave a wry smile after listening to your whole blurted speech. “It’s okay, I get it,” he said. “I didn’t know what to do or how to feel either, and then eventually we became…enemies sorta?” 

You nodded. “How about we be, uh, frenemies now, I guess?”

He snorted at that. “Frenemies,” he agreed.

Eventually, you took off your seatbelt and opened the car door. Before you fully shut it, you peeked your head in to remind Jihoon of your next plans. “Remember, we should be seen together at the football game tomorrow and then at the diner with my friends after.” 

He cringed but said, “Okay, see you tomorrow then,” and you shut the car door before watching him pull out of the driveway.

A few hours before the football game you mentioned to Jihoon that you were in the journalism room with Jennie, Miyeon, and a few other girls who were part of the ball planning committee. You were trying to finalize the theme so that you could get started on getting the decorations. The ball was held at the same place every year, so you didn’t have to worry about that, at least. Everyone was set on their own idea for the theme, and no one could come to a decision, making you massage your temples in frustration. 

You were really regretting not grabbing that coffee before this meeting when the very thing you wanted appeared in front of you. A iced coffee was sat in front of you and you looked up to find Jihoon, looking nonchalant with his hands in his pockets like always. “Thanks. How did you know I was here?” you asked, surprised.

He shrugged. “I was here working in the editing room on something with Seungkwan and Wonwoo and saw you were still here. I thought you could probably use the caffeine.” You squinted at him before slowly taking a drink of the coffee, wondering if he had some sort of other motive. Then he leaned forward and whispered in your ear, “I’m just trying to make it look like we didn’t, you know, suddenly go from hating each other to dating. So, just go with it.”

Of course, there it was. He couldn’t have really just thought to bring it to you for no reason at all other than just because. You were supposed to be fake dating starting today, so he needed to make it look true. 

Arguing between Jennie and Miyeon brought you back to reality, and you sighed. “Guys!” you snapped, making them both stop midargument. “Look, it’s almost time for the game and we should be there. Let’s try and come to an agreement by next week. If that’s not possible, then I’ll be making the final decision, by myself,” you said. Miyeon looked surprised at your unusual forcefulness while Jennie just looked, well annoyed. 

You grabbed what was left of the coffee Jihoon brought you and him by the arm. “We should get over to the stadium,” you said and left the room with the others, wondering what was up with you, or more importantly you and him. 

“Okay, chill,” Jihoon said, pulling his arm back from you once you were in the hall.

“Sorry,” you said, letting him pull his arm back. You looked up at him, finally noticing that he was also wearing one of the outfits you had picked out the day before. You smiled at him.

“What?” he asked, wondering why the heck you were smiling at him like a weirdo in the middle of the hallway.

“I didn’t think you would be wearing the clothes yet,” you responded.

“I thought that was the deal? Now come on, let’s watch some stupid game and start this dating thing in front of your friends.” Jihoon grabbed your hand, leading you down the hall and out the door to head to the football stadium. Why was your heart feeling funny?

An hour later, Jihoon was sitting next to you in the bleachers complaining in your ear about how “all a football game is, is an excuse for dudes to touch other dudes' butts.” You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Go, Fight, Win!” A chant had started in the stadium and was gaining more people with it. After about the third round of the chant, you joined, smirking at Jihoon. He looked at you chanting with your other friends that sat nearby and shook his head. You nudged him, smiling like a maniac. 

Rolling his eyes, he finally joined with a monotone, “Go, Fight, Win!” and a half-hazard fist pump in the air. Then something happened. Watching the game, feeling the excitement of the crowd, and seeing you sitting next to him, enjoying yourself; he thought maybe this wasn’t so bad, fun even. Next thing he knew, as the chant ended he was taking turns shouting insults at the refs with Mark and high-fiving him. 

You looked at him. It was peculiar. All that fuss and now he was fitting in like he had been a part of the group from the beginning. You couldn’t help but think that it could have been this way all along, as if you and Jihoon never had been enemies. 

After the game, you and Jihoon made an official new couple appearance at the diner your friends often frequented after games. You had barely sat down in the group booth with your food when Jennie pounced. “So after seeing you two together twice today, I need to ask. Are you two like a thing now?” she asked, pointing between the two of you. You nodded. Jennie gave a look of distaste. “How on earth did that happen?” 

“So, remember the night at Mingyu’s party when Johnny and I broke up and I got drunk, you called me a designated driver? Well, Jihoon had also called Wonwoo and was in the car too. It just sort of happened?” you explained. None of that was technically wrong at all, that was what happened. You just left out the part about the drunken phone call later and you know, the fact that it was fake. 

Jennie looked over at Jihoon, who had his mouth full of fries. “Yeah, pretty much,” Jihoon confirmed with his mouth full and Jennie gave a slightly disgusted look. Seeming satisfied with that answer, Jennie left it alone and conversation flowed around the table. Mark, Mingyu, and Jihoon were debating things about a video game and you found yourself smiling once again at the fact that they seemed to be getting along well.

Yet, your smile fell when you looked at the other side of the table to see Johnny and his new girlfriend making out. You didn’t know why, but tears were gathering at the corners of your eyes. “I’ll be right back, bathroom,” you mumbled. Jihoon heard the tone in your voice and the sheen in your eyes and was pulled from his video game conversation. He immediately saw what likely upset you, and decided he needed to do something about it when you came back.

In the bathroom, you splashed water on your face and hoped that would help regain your composure. You took a few deep breaths and made sure there was no trace of your sudden tear-up before heading back out to the table. As you sat back down next to Jihoon, he asked “Everything okay, babe?” He wrapped an arm over your shoulders pulling you close to him and placed a peck on your forehead. 

Babe? Your brain malfunctioned and you were frozen at Jihoon’s side. “Y/N….” he hissed in your ear and you broke from your stupor. “Oh, sorry. Yes, I’m good,” you answered. He must be doing this for show, to make it really look like you were dating and to make Johnny jealous, right? It had to be that, of course.

“So, you’re friends with DD Wonwoo, right?” Mark was asking Jihoon now.

“Yeah, we are friends. And it’s Wonwoo, not DD Wonwoo. Just Wonwoo,” he answered and you could hear irritation starting in his voice.

“Cool, you think he’d be down to be the designated driver for all our parties? We’ll pay.” Jihoon’s body tensed at the question.

“Okayyyyy,” you said the minute Mark finished his sentence, getting up and pulling Jihoon out of the booth with you. “It’s getting late and I’m tired. We’ll see you guys later,” you rushed out before dragging Jihoon out of the diner with you and leaving what was left of your food on the table.

“What the hell was that? Wonwoo has probably saved the lives of half those people in there and what? They just want to continue getting drunk off their rockers and think throwing money at him is compensation for that?” Jihoon was fuming. He was pacing back and forth in the parking lot, tugging his hand through his hair. 

“Jihoon…” you started. 

“Who do they think they are? Do they have no integrity? Did they trade their brains for being popular?” He continued to rant.

“Jihoon!” you said again, sharper this time.

“What?!” he shouted and you flinched slightly.

You didn’t know why, but you felt the urge to comfort him and calm him down. And to apologize even. You came up next to him, brushing his hand with yours, and said, “I’m sorry.” Jihoon’s breathing calmed down and his eyes met yours. “Endure it for me, please? I promise you and Wonwoo can do something mean to him the next time he’s drunk, okay?” you said. 

Jihoon cracked a smile at that. “Fine…” he responded and stalked over to the car so he could get the two of you back home.

You and Jihoon had made appearances at a few other things during the week, but as Friday approached there was actually one you were looking forward to the most. It was starting to get warmer, which meant some days were spent soaking up the sun at the river.

The ball’s committee had also taken your previous threat about choosing the theme on your own seriously and had finally come to a consensus. The theme was Moments in Time and you were looking forward to downtime with your friends before having to plan more for the ball. Maybe you were looking forward to downtime with Jihoon too. 

This time you were all riding with Mingyu in his jeep, floats and picnic supplies strapped to the utility bar on top of the vehicle. He had come to pick you up with everyone else in the car but Jihoon and he would be picked up last. Which meant that when Mingyu honked at Jihoon’s house, the only seat left in the car was in the backseat, squished in the middle next to you.

Squeezing in next to you, you became immediately aware of his bare legs pressing against your own. He was in the swim trunks you had picked out for him and a t-shirt, already prepared for the day's activities. “Ouch,” you said as he accidentally pinched your arm between him and the seat. 

“I’m sorry, is this better?” Jihoon asked, moving his arm over your shoulders so that you could settle next to him. 

You swallowed down the butterflies that were now becoming a common occurrence when you were with him. You were still doing everything you could to ignore them. It was just the proximity and situation making you feel that way. You didn’t actually like him. At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. 

You didn’t dare speak words out loud, afraid it would come out garbled or as a squeak. You just nodded in response, the warming of your cheeks still threatening to give you away. Throughout the entire drive to the river, you were painfully aware of how much his body was touching yours.

When Mingyu pulled into the parking lot of the River Park, you nearly flung yourself out of the car causing both Jihoon and Jennie to look at you like you were insane. As the others got out of the car, you moved your attention to retrieving your things from the back. You grabbed your bag, which held a swim towel, sunscreen, and a few snacks.

More bags were grabbed, leaving the trunk area empty while Mark and Mingyu worked on getting the other things down from the rack on the roof. You waited until everything had been taken before walking down the path that led to the larger bank of the river. The area was a little rocky but many of the rocks were big enough to lay blankets and towels on. 

You spotted one big enough for multiple people to spread out on and it was also close enough to the river itself, which would make it easy to get in and out of the water. It was decided the girls would take the spot you found and the boys would hang out on the next one over. You spread your towel out, setting your bag near the front and slipping your sandals off on the other end to weigh it down before settling down on it in a cross-legged position.

Jennie and Miyeon put their things out next to you, while Jihoon was helping Mark and Mingyu set their chairs out on the other rock. You leaned backward on your hands, enjoying the sun on your face while chatting about things every once in a while with Jennie and Miyeon. You had tuned them out a little when Miyeon started talking about Mark’s sexual habits, comparing them with things Jennie’s many partners had done. Not only did you not want to know those things about Mark, but you didn’t really have anything to contribute since you and Jihoon obviously weren't on that level.

“Y/N? What about you and Jihoon?” Miyeon asked, bringing your attention back to the conversation. 

“Well….it’s a secret,” you answered, trying to be as elusive as possible so you didn’t have to try and come up with more lies than needed.

“Oh, come on, Y/N,” Jennie goaded. “You cleaned Jihoon up so nicely, I'm sure you’ve had a piece of that.”

You looked at your best friend in annoyance. “Jihoon is a private person, I’d rather not discuss our sex life,” you responded. Miyeon seemed to understand but the look on Jennie’s face was like she took your response as a challenge.

The boys were having a similar conversation over at their rock, with Mingyu bragging about his latest endeavors. Jihoon didn’t really understand the need to boast about the subject as if it were a competition. “But what about Y/N, though?” Mingyu asked, looking over at Jihoon.

“What about her?” Jihoon questioned.

“She’s hot. You’d be stupid not to get a little ‘something, something’ while dating her,” Mingyu continued.

Jihoon narrowed his eyes, “Even if I have, Y/N has feelings too and I’m not going to divulge her sex life without her permission.” 

“Okay, dude. I was just trying to make conversation,” Mingyu surrendered, putting his hands up as a white flag. 

Mark took that as a sign for him and Mingyu to grab some floaties and go hang out in the river. Jihoon had brought his walkman and slipped on the headphones, going into his own little music world. Miyeon and Jennie had grown quiet now and were tanning behind you.

After scooting forward on your towel, you stuck your feet in the cool river water and let yourself relax a bit. You looked over to find Mark and Mingyu having a war on the floaties, both trying to push the other off and into the water. You shook your head at their antics and moved your feet back and forth in the water, creating a calming effect for yourself.

You weren’t sure how long you were all hanging out there but eventually Mingyu mentioned that you should all get home and you started packing things up. You looked over to find Jihoon gone from his previous spot.

Your eyes wandered around the river bank area and you finally spotted him, playing with two younger kids. “Oh noooo, you got me,” you heard him exclaim in mock upset. The two kids were squirting him with water from the super soakers they each had, both giggling the more exaggerated Jihoon sounded. 

He moved, chasing them around and getting revenge with his own super soaker. You couldn’t help but smile at the pure joy you saw on his face as he played with them. He looked so at ease with them. You thought that maybe you really were starting to fall for him, but if you were then you couldn’t keep up this fake dating ruse. You promptly shook the thoughts from your head. 

“Come on Captain Kangaroo, our ride is leaving,” you shouted across the bank. He looked up at your voice and shot you a devastatingly adorable smile that showed off his dimples. He gave the water gun back to the kids and he ruffled their hair, telling them he had fun. 

He jogged to where you were, saying “Okay, let’s get going.” He picked up his things from the rock he and the boys were on earlier and the two of you headed back up the path to Mingyu’s jeep. All the items you had brought had been put back in the trunk and everyone was just waiting for you and Jihoon so you could head back home. You two were squished against each other again, in a similar position as on the way there. However, you weren’t paying attention to that part as much now that the scene of him playing with the kids earlier kept replaying in your head. Before you knew it, you all had been dropped off at your respective residences and it was time to settle down for the evening. 

Jihoon had just walked in the door when his dad appeared holding the house phone. “Ah, good timing. Jihoon just came in, Seungkwan. Here,” he said, holding the phone out for Jihoon to take. 

“Hey, Kwan. What’s up?” Jihoon said into the phone, bringing it up the stairs to his room with him. 

“The Pixies are playing at the bar tomorrow night. Come with Seokmin, Wonwoo, and I,” Seungkwan said.

“I don’t know. I think one of Y/N’s friends is having a party that we are supposed to go to.”

Seungkwan sighed heavily. “I wasn’t going to bring this up, but you’ve changed. You used to hang out with us, you know, your best friends, all the time and now you're always with Y/N and her group of populars. Are we not good enough for you anymore, Jihoon?” 

“Jesus, Seungkwan. No, I haven’t changed. I don’t like hanging out with them, I’m just there to make Y/N happy and somewhat get along with them.” Jihoon explained, annoyance tingeing his voice. 

“Whatever you say,” Seungkwan gave a flippant response.

“Tell you what, I’ll talk to Y/N and see if we can come with you guys to the concert instead. Okay?” Jihoon compromised.

“Fine, let me know later,” Seungkwan conceded.

“Okay, bye.” Jihoon hung up the phone and rubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t think he was changing at all. He wasn’t fitting in with that crowd, was he? He was only pretending so that you two could fake date, right? 

Jihoon picked the cordless phone back up from the bed where he flung it after saying goodbye to Seungwan and dialed your number.

“Hello?” your voice sounded from the other end.

“Hey,” Jihoon said.

“Jihoon? You usually don’t call me first,” you mentioned.

“I know, but I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay…” you responded, a little confused.

“I know we are supposed to go to another party tomorrow but do you think we could do something with my friends instead? I feel like we only do things with your friends,” he complained.

You let out a rush of air. “Okay,” you agreed.

“Okay?” Jihoon asked, surprised you agreed that easily.

“Yeah, you’re right. And it seems weird for a couple to hang out with only one group of friends. Plus, they used to be my friends too…” you trailed off.

“Alright, then there’s a band we follow playing at a bar we go to. Seungkwan invited us and both Wonwoo and Seokmin will be there too. I can come get you at 5 pm tomorrow,” he told you.

“Sounds good. Hey, today was kind of nice wasn’t it?” you asked, a smile on your face as you remembered.

“Yeah, it was kind of nice,” Jihoon admitted and you both hung up the phone.

Even though it was a Saturday afternoon, Jihoon found himself on campus in the broadcasting room. Seungkwan and Wonwoo were there earlier too but Jihoon wanted to finish editing the music video they had been working on. They had gone to get lunch and would be back later. 

It wasn’t that he was in a real hurry to finish it exactly, but he tended to immerse himself in his projects when he felt unsettled about something. He wasn’t even sure what he was specifically feeling weird about. Was it the fact that he really seemed to be getting along with your friends? Or was it that his heart seemed to speed up every time he caught your eyes yesterday?

All that could be heard in the room was the clicking of the mouse as he edited, thoughts swirling in his head. He was so distracted that he didn’t even realize that Wonwoo and Seungkwan had come back and that it was three hours later. He was brought back to reality as Seungkwan snapped his fingers in front of his face, literally snapping him out of whatever trance he was in. “Hellooooo, Jihoon,” Seungwan said, trying to get his attention. 

“Oh, sorry, Kwan,” Jihoon responded and turned around in the computer chair he was sitting in. 

“We should probably leave so we can all get ready for the concert tonight with Seok,” Wonwoo mentioned.

“Did you ask your girlfriend? Are you coming?” Seungkwan asked with a hint of bitterness.

“Actually, yeah. Y/N was kind of excited about it, so we’ll be there,” Jihoon said, ignoring Seungkwan’s tone.

Rather than getting into another heated discussion about whether Jihoon was acting like himself or not, Seungkwan and Wonwoo left and so did Jihoon after finishing the last bit of video editing. He went back home to get ready in another outfit you had chosen that day at the mall before going to pick you up. A few hours later, he was waiting in the car outside your dorm like he had multiple times before.

Jihoon drummed his fingers on the steering wheel along with the beat of the song that was on the radio as he waited for you. He was pretty into it and didn’t see when you had come out of the house. You grinned as you slowly approached the car. Jihoon had been into music when you were younger and it was nice to know he truly hadn’t changed much despite everything that happened. “Okay drummer boy, I’m here. We should leave,” you said, making him jump slightly at your voice before he unlocked the passenger side for you to get in.

“So what band are we going to see?” you asked when Jihoon had pulled out onto the road that would take you to the bar.

“The Pixies. Wonwoo found them one time when he was DD’ing and went to pick Seokmin up at the bar one time. They showed Seungkwan and me the next time they played and we liked them too, so we try to catch them every time they play there.” Jihoon explained and you could tell how much he liked the band.

“Hmm, okay. Well I’m excited to hang out with you guys, to see Seungkwan, and to get to know Wonwoo and Seokmin even more,” you said and you really were. You wanted to catch a glimpse of what Jihoon had been like for the period of time you didn’t know him. He hummed in acknowledgment. It was quiet for a few minutes before you spoke again. “Hey, do I..look okay? I’ve actually never been to this kind of thing before..” you asked, feeling a little nervous.

Jihoon looked a little surprised, but then again seeing a girl punk rock band at a hole-in-the-wall bar was not exactly your scene. Eventually, he scanned your outfit, taking in the dark jeans and nice shirt you were wearing. “Yeah, you look nice,” he responded. He was probably just being polite but you noticed he was also wearing something similar, making you wonder why you spent so much time trying to find the right outfit in the first place. 

He pulled into the parking lot of the bar and parked next to a car that was familiar to you at this point, Wonwoo’s. You followed behind him as he walked into the bar and scanned the area for his friends. “Jihoon! Y/N!” you heard someone shout over the band that was already playing. You walked with Jihoon to where Seungkwan had shouted from, in the middle of a crowd standing somewhat near the stage. It got louder the closer you got to where Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Wonwoo were.

“Hey, boys!” you greeted them over the music. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Seungkwan said when you got closer. Wonwoo gave a small wave and Seokmin flashed a smile.

“I’m going to grab some drinks from the bar. Want anything?” Jihoon asked you all.

“Martini for me, please,” Seungkwan said.

“Suprise me,” came Seokmin’s response.

“I’m driving, of course, so just club soda?” Wonwoo asked.

Jihoon looked over at you, waiting for your order. “Rum and coke?” you asked. Jihoon did not expect that from you. He figured you’d want something more fancy like Seungkwan wanted.

“Okay, be back soon then,” Jihoon said and he disappeared into the crowd.

You turned your attention to the stage in front of you that had since grown quiet, guessing that the band that was playing when you walked in was the opener for who you were really here to see. You were making small talk with the three boys while waiting for the main event and for Jihoon to come back. As you had noticed before, Wonwoo was quiet but funny and had quite a knack for video editing. Seokmin was bright, adding a lightness to their group. You talked with Seungkwan about your junior high days when you, Jihoon, and he made up a trio. You remembered those days fondly and definitely noticed how wary Seungkwan was when talking about that part of your shared past.

Before you could address that, the crowd started cheering and colored lights were starting to shine on the stage as a group of girls came on stage with their instruments. They looked amazing. The girl in front had her hair teased in a high pony and wore silver pants that matched the glittering tank top of the girl drummer behind her. She picked up a guitar and started playing a riff that must have been from one of their well-known songs, judging by the howling in the crowd. As the song continued to play, you realized you liked it. The punk aspect was not something you would not have normally picked, but it made you feel something.

Jihoon was still waiting for your drinks over at the bar and was turned around to watch the stage. His eyes were automatically drawn to where you were, finding you with your eyes glued to the stage and complete joy written on your face. He watched as you got closer to the stage, starting to jump up and down with the music. He honestly couldn’t take his eyes off of you. “Here you go,” the bartender said from behind him, setting the drinks on the bar top. Jihoon grabbed them all, balancing them in his hands and set off back into the crowd with an amused smile on his lips.

He wove back through all the people, stopping to give his friends their drinks before moving forward in the crowd to where you were standing. The song was finishing as he reached you and you screamed and clapped for the band, making Jihoon laugh at how much you were actually enjoying this. He tapped you on the shoulder and you turned, the look on your face probably the happiest he had seen recently.

“Your drink,” Jihoon said, passing the glass to you.

“Thank you,” you said, taking it from him and giving it a light sip before turning your attention to the next song. You began bouncing up and down to the beat of the new song, as much as you could without spilling your drink. Jihoon thought you were cute like this. 

He stood there enjoying the music with you, his own drink in hand until you heard Wonwoo let out an “Ah, shit,” somewhere behind you. 

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon questioned. 

“She’s here,” Wonwoo responded.

“Who?” you asked, confused. 

You followed Jihoon’s line of sight before you spotted who and he spoke her name. “Shayla.” She had a guy hanging off her, which you could only assume was the one she cheated on Jihoon with. You watched as they acted all lovey-dovey, making Jihoon look positively miserable. Her eyes crossed paths with Jihoon and you could only think of one thing to do, you kissed him. 

You made out with him to be exact, tongue and all. You couldn’t bear how hurt he looked, couldn’t stand the fact that Shayla was looking at him like she still cared. Jihoon didn’t know how he should respond other than to let you continue kissing him. You kept sneaking peeks at Shayla out of the corner of your eye as you kept making out with him. Eventually, Shayla looked away with a bit of a sneer and pulled her boy toy to another area of the bar. 

You pulled away from Jihoon and said, “Sorry, I was just returning the favor.” He had rescued you in a similar way, albeit a tamer way, that night at the dinner when your ex was there. You took it a little further than intended but you were just making it even, weren’t you? 

“Uh, thanks?” Jihoon responded, a light blush warming his cheeks and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. This was not a reaction you expected from him or even one you thought he could have. It was actually pretty adorable. You tried not to think about it. You didn’t see it because you were too focused on the boy you weren’t supposed to like, but Wonwoo and Seungwan shared a look. 

“They are about to play the next song,” you said, trying to redirect attention back to the band and the stage. Jihoon only nodded, not knowing what else to say after that. You let the music take away thoughts of whatever feelings you might be starting to have for your fake boyfriend and by the time the concert was over, you had buried them deep in your mind once again.

In the parking lot of the bar, you said goodbye to Seungkwan, Wonwoo, and Seokmin before you got in the car with Jihoon to go home. It was a little awkward again before Jihoon turned the radio on. (You Drive Me) Crazy by Britney Spears came on and he groaned before he reached over to change the station. “Aw come on, Ji. Leave it there,” you whined before starting to sing along to the song. He grimaced at you but pulled his hand away from the dash, leaving the song on. “You drive me craaaazzzyyy, I just can’t sleep!” you sang loudly and badly on purpose. You poked your elbow into Jihoon’s side, trying to get him to sing with you as you continued with the lyrics.

After a few harder nudges Jihoon belted out, “Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night”. You gasped, putting your hand over your mouth. You didn’t think you’d actually get him to sing it with you. He continued driving with the two of you singing the rest of the song and giggling like maniacs, Jihoon showing a smile genuine enough that the dimples you only saw one other time appeared. You found yourself having fun more often with Jihoon and spending time with him was beginning to feel more and more natural, like you never parted ways to begin with.

Once again, you found yourself in the journalism room working on things for the ball. More specifically, the decorations. This time you were by yourself, there was yet another party happening tonight and the others left you so they could get Jennie’s house ready since she was hosting this time. Honestly, you didn’t mind and felt like you could get more things done without Jennie’s constant nitpicking. 

You were looking at a few different options for string lights when someone you didn’t expect to see walked in. Shayla. “Um, Mrs. Rathburn asked me to bring you the posters you had printed from the big office printer,” she said, showing the large posters she held in her arms.

“Oh, thanks for bringing them. You can set them over there,” you responded, gesturing toward the bigger table next to you. Shayla set them where you indicated and started toward the door but hesitated, turning back around. She looked like she wanted to say something to you. “Was there anything else?” you prompted.

She pondered for a moment before saying,” He seems happier with you.” You were sure what to say when she continued. “He never wanted to go places with me, never wanted to stop by the lab to see me, not the way he does with you.” 

The way she said it struck a chord with you. You knew she was a medical science major and worked in the chem lab a lot but it didn’t occur to you before and obviously, she didn’t know either. “He didn’t tell you about his mother, did he?” you asked. The confused look on Shayla’s face confirmed your suspicions. “His mother died when we were younger…of cancer. So you can imagine why he wouldn’t want to be around medicine and labs.”

Now she had a shocked look on her face, mixed with something like pity. “I didn’t know. Well, I hope he continues to be happy with you,” she said as she turned back around and walked out of the room. For once, you felt a little sorry for Shayla but fake or not, Jihoon was with you now. You sighed and got up from the chair you were sitting in, pulling the posters closer to you so you could examine them to make sure they had been printed properly. They looked good and you were glad that nothing was wrong with them. 

A few minutes later, Jihoon walked through the same classroom door that Shayla walked out of. “Hey, how's it going in here?” he asked casually. 

You shrugged, “It’s going. But, what are you doing here? You didn’t bring me coffee this time.” You grinned, enjoying being able to give him a hard time now without it turning into a big deal. 

“Wow, see if I ever bring you coffee again..” he teased back. “Anyway, I was working with Seungkwan on some AV stuff for the school news show and thought I’d stop by. It was strange though, I passed by Shayla in the hall and she was acting oddly nice to me.” 

“Huh, weird,” you said. There was no way you were going to tell him that you told her about his mother. He must have had a reason for not telling her, although some part of you was relieved he hadn’t.

“So, how do you feel about having dinner at my house before we go to Jennie’s party? My dad invited you. I think he’s noticed how close we’ve gotten again,” he asked, looking a little sheepish.

“I’d like that,” you responded, the corners of your lips turning up at the thought of Mr. Lee making Jihoon ask you over. You gathered all the things you were working on, organizing them so they made sense when you went to work on them again and left the room to go home with Jihoon.

You had really only been just inside of the door of Jihoon’s house since you reconnected. It felt weird going past the dining room threshold as you followed him into the kitchen, even though as a child you had been in every room in the house. It was a reminder of how things truly had changed after his mom died. 

Yet, the sight of Mr. Lee in the kitchen and the familiar smell of his famous Yangnyeom chicken transported you right back to those times when you and Jihoon would get called in for dinner when you had been playing outside or doing homework together. Mr. Lee turned around after plating the chicken. “Glad you could join us, Y/N! I had to practically beg Jihoon to ask you,” he beamed, walking into the dining room to set the large plate on the table.

“Thank you for inviting me Mr. Lee,” you said, politely as you took a seat in one of the chairs at the dining table. 

“At least I didn’t have to drag you two inside from the treehouse,” he said with a laugh and you found it ironic that he remembered that as well. 

Your eyes shifted to sliding doors on the other side of the dining room, looking out into the backyard to see if the treehouse still existed. “It’s still there..” you murmured as you made out the familiar wood walls poking out the only large tree still in the yard.

“Of course it is! Jihoon kept it up all these years and made sure no nail or board came out of place,” Mr. Lee exclaimed rather proudly. You looked over at Jihoon who was doing his best not to look at you. You thought it would have been destroyed by now. Jihoon’s actions lately were already confusing, but the fact that he had preserved the treehouse all this time confused you even more. 

The rest of dinner went well, it was comforting that it felt almost the same as it did when you were young. Well, minus a major person, but you tried your best not to think about that. You and Jihoon were helping Mr. Lee clean up when he glanced at the clock on the wall. “We should think about heading to the party now,” he said.

“I got the rest of this. You crazy kids go have fun at the party,” Mr. Lee said, basically telling the two of you to skedaddle already.

“Don’t wait up,” Jihoon joked, following you out of the kitchen and back into the front room.

Since you were busy enough today, you chose an outfit when you got ready this morning that would translate well from everyday to party. It’s not like you were the host or like it was that special of an event, plus you were willing to bet something would be spilled on it by the end of the night anyway. 

“Let me change into something more suitable and I’ll be right back,” Jihoon said to you. You nodded and sat on the bottom of the stairs to wait for him. Five minutes later, he came down the stairs looking effortless and amazing at the same time. Once again, making it hard for you to ignore the ever-annoying butterflies that filled your stomach. 

“Let’s get going, we don’t want to be late,” you mumbled, turning your attention back to the front door.

The party was already in full swing when you arrived and you narrowly avoided being mowed over by Mingyu and Mark playing some sort of drunk game involving a soccer ball the minute you and Jihoon walked into Jennie’s house. You took Jihoon’s hand in yours as you wove through people, telling yourself it was so that you didn’t lose him in the crowd but you couldn’t help but feel like they fit together.

You made your way into the center of the house where more things seemed to be going on when you caught the sound of the familiar voices of your friends in the backyard. Jennie was already drunk, laughing loudly as she swayed her hips to the music blasting from speakers on either side of the yard. “There you guys areeeeeeee,” Jennie exclaimed, her words sounding slightly slurred which gave a bit of an indication of how much alcohol she’d had so far. 

You stifled a laugh as Miyeon gave you a look that essentially said “help me” as she lightly sipped on the drink she had while keeping an eye on Jennie. Mark suddenly appeared, without Mingyu this time. “Yoooo, Jihoon. Come be my partner, Mingyu got too drunk and I need someone who actually has hand-eye coordination,” he said, trying to rope Jihoon into whatever hair-brained game they had been playing. 

Mark dragged him off before he could protest, leaving you with just the girls. “You know, I wasn’t sure about Jihoon in the beginning, but the makeover he had really suits him well. If you weren’t dating him, I would be all over that,” Jennie babbled, the multiple drinks in her system acting like an unwanted truth serum. You felt a hint of animosity toward her, and you had to keep telling yourself that you shouldn’t be. You weren’t dating for real, but in principle, it was since nobody else knew that. 

To make it easier to resist the urge to strangle Jennie, you excused yourself and went to get a drink from the bar on the other side of the patio that you assumed Jennie paid to be there. Walking up to the bartender, you ordered something that tasted good but wouldn’t get you blasted immediately. A few seconds wait and you thanked the bartender, taking your drink from him. You turned around, maybe to go find where Mark dragged Jihoon off to when you found yourself face to face with your ex.

“Oh, Y/N. I was actually looking for you,” Johnny said. He was just passing by but he was clearly looking for someone. You, apparently. 

“Um, okay…didn’t you come with your new girlfriend?” you asked, confused as to why he was looking for you when he seemed so infatuated with the girl the last time you had seen him.

“Well, that’s kind of why I was looking for you. Let’s find a quieter place to talk,” he motioned to some chairs that sat out off the side of the patio where fewer people were milling around. You sat down in one and he sat in the one across from you.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” you questioned, not exactly interested but he did specifically seek you out.

“I know you are with Jihoon now, but I was wondering if I could take you to the dance?” Johnny asked, with what he thought might be a convincing smile on his face. You choked on your drink. He couldn’t be serious. The very thing you had wanted before everything got messy and he was asking you now?

“But what about your girlfriend?” you inquired.

“She broke up with me, said she found someone new,” he shrugged. You snorted. Ironic wasn’t it? She broke up with him for nearly the same reason he broke up with you.

“Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was for you to take me to the ball I planned. But you know what? I’m not the same person as I was all those months ago and I’m with Jihoon now. Go find some other poor sucker to go with you because I won’t,” you responded and you knew it was true. You weren’t the same person anymore. You could care less about being popular. All you cared about was being yourself. And being with Jihoon.

Johnny looked stunned, “Damn, Jihoon is a lucky guy.” You felt that was your cue to leave and you had to go to the bathroom anyway. So you left Johnny there and went inside to search for the restroom. You walked back into the house through the sliding door and were headed down the hall when you saw it, saw them. 

Jennie was talking with Jihoon when suddenly you saw her lips meet his. You didn’t know what was happening and your face crumpled. Immediately, you knew that the feelings you were trying to suppress for Jihoon couldn’t be covered up anymore. Jennie broke free of the kiss with a smirk, turning Jihoon around by his shoulders so that his eyes would meet yours. “Bitch,” you murmured, a sob trying to break free from your chest.

Jihoon’s eyes widened as they met yours. “Y/N, wait!” he shouted, a pleading tone bleeding into it. You didn’t want to hear it. This whole thing was fake anyway. You ignored him and stormed out the front door, not caring where you were going. You just needed out of there. Jennie’s house wasn’t that close to the dorm, but it didn’t matter. You wanted to walk anyway.

You did eventually make it back to the dorm, you didn’t know how long it took you and you didn’t care. Everything was ruined and you felt the most pathetic that you had ever been. You retreated to your room and the warmth of your bed, wanting to never leave it. You should have never come up with this idea if you knew it would turn out this way. You weren’t supposed to fall for your ex-best friend, your enemy.

Jihoon was also miserable, perhaps on a different and newfound level. He thought he was in a bad way when he broke up with Shayla, but it was nothing like the way he felt after Jennie tricked him. Nothing like the way his heart cracked when he saw your face and the way your chin trembled when you saw the kiss and nothing like when he called out to you, only for you to ignore him and walk out the door. 

He thought he might have loved Shayla when they were together, but he was so wrong. He loved you and it took losing you to finally realize it, to admit it to himself. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now, but the most immediate solution was to numb the pain. He knew Wonwoo would come get him anyway, and so he drank. He drank a lot. Likely more than he ever had.

He drank so much that he didn’t even know how time moved forward and transported him to where he was now, outside, throwing his guts up in Jennie’s front garden. He must have called Wonwoo at some point, he most certainly didn’t remember doing it but Wonwoo was suddenly standing there in the yard, waiting to see if Jihoon’s stomach was done forcing out whatever contents were left. 

Wonwoo didn’t have much sympathy for his friend at this point. “How does it feel Jihoon? Being part of the popular crowd?” he mocked. 

“Shut up, Wonwoo,” Jihoon croaked, slowly getting up from his kneeling position in the grass to slowly tread toward Wonwoo’s car. Jihoon all but melted into the backseat once the two of them were both in the car, his head already starting to pound. 

“You really screwed up, you know,” Wonwoo said, once the car was on the way to Jihoon’s house. 

“How do you know what happened?” Jihoon mumbled the question

“You know how fast news travels around here,” he responded.

“Considering everyone was at the party, I’m not surprised.” Wonwoo slammed on the brakes, making Jihoon fall forward and smack his nose on the seat in front of him. “Ow, what the hell Wonwoo?!” he yelped, hands moving to his face to touch his now tender nose.

“Everybody was NOT there, Jihoon! Seungkwan and I weren’t there, Seokmin wasn’t there, so no, everybody was not at the party,” Wonwoo nearly growled. 

“Okay, sheesh. Everybody was not there,” Jihoon conceded, given his growing headache and the fact that Wonwoo so rarely yelled. 

“Get out,” Wonwoo said and Jihoon was about to protest when he looked out of the window to see that they had actually stopped outside his house. “Call me when you’ve decided to return back to being the friend I know.” 

Jihoon couldn’t respond, he didn’t have a decent answer for that. He just got out of the car, went into the house, and flopped face-first onto his bed. He did know that Wonwoo was right though, he royally fucked up. The only thing he could think about was talking to you, to see if there was a way to convince you of what truly happened with Jennie. 

He rolled back to his side, reaching his arm out to grab the phone from the nightstand. He didn’t know how late it was but prayed you’d still answer the phone. He punched in your number and waited as it rang and rang. He was just about to give up when a tired “hello?” answered. 

“Please let me explain,” Jihoon said, immediately. 

You sighed. “It doesn’t matter. It was crazy to think we could fake it this long, this is our easy out,” you responded, trying to keep your voice from breaking and giving you away. 

“What about the dance? That was the main goal of this whole thing,” he said. Jihoon knew that wasn’t why he wanted to keep this ruse going but it was all he could think to try.

“I’ll figure something out. Or maybe I won’t go at all. Let’s just go back to how things were before.” Tears were starting to slip down your cheeks now and you hung up the phone before Jihoon could hear the sob that left your chest.

After the party, days and weeks continued on but you and Jihoon were not the same. Jihoon spaced out often, going about his days in a trance. He even ignored Shaya’s renewed and constant advances on him. He didn’t want anyone else but you. Wonwoo had seen how depressed Jihoon was and took pity on him, letting everything that happened between the two of them that night go. You threw yourself into ball planning which was ironic considering you likely wouldn’t even be attending anymore and Jihoon spent more time editing in the broadcasting room, only being pulled out by his friends. 

You had all but stopped hanging out with all your “friends”, only working with them for the ball because you had to. Everything felt like a blur. You had confronted Jennie shortly after the night of the party, her only excuse being “I was doing you a favor.” Maybe in some way she really was, just not in the way she intended. Your relationship with Jihoon may have started out as a fake one but now your feelings were real and you needed to stop before they destroyed you both.

When the night of the ball came around, you found yourself in your dorm room with no date and crying once again. The dress you had picked out long ago to match the tux you had helped Jihoon pick out was hung on the back of your door, mocking you. Maybe you should go by yourself, it would be weird if the planner herself didn’t attend. You brushed the tears from your cheeks and shook your head. That was enough of that, crying and feeling sorry for yourself wouldn’t change anything.

Then your phone rang. “Hello?” you answered.

“Y/N? Hi,” spoke a voice that was vaguely familiar but not one you’d heard over the phone.

“Seungkwan?” you questioned.

“Yeah, it’s Seungkwan. Listen, I know you probably don’t have a date to the ball anymore and I think it would be a shame if you couldn’t go. You deserve to see your event finished so, how about I take you?” Seungkwan said.

For the first time since the night of the party, a genuine smile crossed your face. Seungkwan had always been the sweetest person you’d known, even after you all had parted ways as kids. “I’d like that,” you responded.

“Okay, cool. I can come pick you up in an hour. Will that be enough time to get ready?” he asked 

“Sure, see you soon,” you said, hanging up the phone and scrambling to start getting ready. That gave you an answer to your earlier thoughts of just going to the ball by yourself. You were much happier going with Seungkwan, someone you knew you’d have some fun with. You pulled your dress from where you had been glaring at it earlier, glad that it was no longer going to waste. You grabbed shoes that went with it from your closet and got ready as efficiently as you could.

You were smoothing out the bottom of your dress and making sure the last strands of your hair were in place when one of your dorm mates called up the stairs to let you know Seungkwan was there. You picked up the light sweater and small purse you had set out on a chair and walked down the stairs to meet Seungkwan. 

He smiled as he spotted you and said, “You look great.”

“Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,” you said back. His simple black tuxedo made him look handsome. You reached the bottom of the stairs and he pulled something out from behind his back, showing it to you.

“It was short notice, but this is for you,” Seungkwan said, holding out a pretty wrist corsage. 

You let out a pleased laugh and held out your wrist so that he could slip it on, the white rose simple but pretty. “Thank you, that was sweet of you.” 

“Of course, I can't let my best girl feel left out,” he said with a chuckle. 

Immediately you were thankful for at least one good thing that came out of all of this. You had a good friend in Seungkwan once again. “Let’s go,” you said and you headed to the dance.

Walking in the doors of the venue you rented, you took in everything. Seungkwan was right, you shouldn’t miss how everything you planned had come together. From the centerpieces on the tables to the twinkle lights winding around the beams in the ceiling, everything you had imagined and planned out. It looked perfect. There was only one thing missing, but there was nothing you could do about that anymore.

You and Seungkwan sat down for a little while at one of the tables, talking about different things and people watching before he asked you to dance. He got up from his seat, holding out his hand for you to take. You took it and he led you to the dance floor. Stopping at an empty spot toward the edge, he placed his hands on your back and you wrapped your arms around his neck. You began swaying to the music the DJ was playing. It was nice and comfortable but of course, it was only platonic with Seungkwan.

“Jihoon really likes you, you know,” he said eventually. You sighed, knowing this topic would come up eventually. Seungkwan cared about both of you. “And I know you like him too.” He continued, recounting how bleak the two of you had been in the past weeks.

“I know Seungkwan, but everything is all messed up now,” you said. 

“Well, now is your chance to fix it,” he suddenly said, looking up at something or rather someone.

“What?” you asked, confused.

“May I cut in?” A voice asked from behind you. You let out a small gasp. Jihoon?

Seungkwan’s hands left your back and he pressed a light kiss to your cheek, leaving you and Jihoon on the dance floor. You looked at Jihoon. He was wearing the tuxedo you picked out to match your dress and looked as handsome as ever. He approached you, gently placing his hands around your waist and you let your hands rest at the nape of his neck. Your fingers lightly brushed at the ends of his shaggy hair that you liked so much.

You danced a bit to the slow song that was on before you broke the tension between the two of you. “Why are you here, Jihoon?” you asked.

“Because I missed you. God, I missed you so much,” he blurted, pulling you closer to him. Your heart panged at his words. You missed him too and you knew that you didn’t want to pretend your feelings for him didn’t exist. 

“I missed you too,” you murmured.

“I’m so sorry about what happened with Jennie. I swear she tricked me but that’s not what matters. I like you, Y/N. I think I’ve always liked you, before everything got so messed up.” He was on a roll now, telling you all that was on his mind and everything he should have told you from the beginning when you both agreed to that stupid fake dating plan.

Your face broke out into a grin. “I like you, too.” Jihoon must have been holding his breath, because he let out a rush of air in relief at your response. “I asked Jennie why she did what she did and she told me she was doing us a favor. I guess in some way, she really did.”

Then Jihoon reached out a hand to cup your cheek, his eyes looking into yours before he leaned forward to press his lips against yours. There were no fireworks, but something much better as you kissed him back. Warmth. A warmth that radiated through your entire body and you couldn’t have imagined anything better. 

You broke away after a few minutes, becoming aware that several eyes were on the two of you. Specifically the eyes of Jennie, Johnny, Mark, Miyeon, and a few of the others. “Who are we making jealous now, Jihoon?” you laughed.

“Everyone,” was his response and he kissed you again, making everything around you disappear. 

“Wanna get out of here?” you asked.

“I have just the place in mind,” he answered, cheekily and the two of you left hand in hand.

After the dance, you came bursting through the gate to Jihoon’s backyard, giggling like you were little kids again. The only difference was now Jihoon kept pausing to kiss you every few minutes as he led you to the treehouse. He pulled you with him up the ladder and into the familiar house. Except that instead of just the pillows and the small table that you remember being there before, there were blankets and lit candles set out in the corners.

“Did you plan this?” you asked, suspicious.

“I had hoped?” he responded, innocently. 

You shook your head, “You’re lucky I like you.”

“I am very lucky.”

“If I knew you were going to be this cheesy-” He cut you off with another kiss and led you over to the blankets that were laid out in the middle of the wooden floor. He sat down, pulling you to sit with him. He initiated a make-out session that began innocently but was now starting to get heated. He leaned backward, laying back against the blankets and making you lay on top of him.

His kisses moved to your jaw and to your collarbone making you let out a gasp and thread your hands through his dark locks. All the pent-up feelings and chemistry that had built up between you was finally reaching a breaking point, in your childhood hangout no less. Your hands made work with his clothes, taking off his jacket and working on the buttons of his shirt. He pulled the straps of your dress down your shoulders when you finally managed to rid him of the annoying button-down.

To make it easier for him, you straightened your back so he could pull the entire thing up and over your head. You were left in just your underwear and Jihoon paused to look at you before taking off his dress pants. “You are gorgeous,” he whispered, pressing light kisses to your shoulders. You closed your eyes, reveling in the feeling of being loved on by him.

Soon you both had been rid of all remaining garments, leaving you completely naked and hands roaming each other's bodies. Jihoon’s length pressed against your thighs, making you moan at the skin contact and buck against him. He hissed in pleasure and bit his lip, the action increasing the arousal at your core. He moved to grind his head against your sensitive nub and you let out a whine. 

After a few minutes of that, you couldn’t stand it anymore. You needed him inside you. “Jihoon…” you breathed out.

“Yes?” he asked.

“Please,” you whimpered.

He reached over to his discarded pants to get the little foil packet from the pocket. He opened it and slid the condom over his cock with a hiss. He steaded your hips and ran his length through your folds a few times before he slowly slid into you, letting you adjust to his size.

“Fuck,” he let out a groan as your heat engulfed him. He began moving slowly within you. Your sacred childhood treehouse was now filled with lewd slaps of skin against skin and moans filled with pleasure. You established a rhythm that had you both slowly chasing your highs together. Your moans had turned to mewls as the coil in the pit of your stomach was stretching to its limit. 

“I’m close, Ji,” you whimpered. The use of Jihoon’s nickname drove him to the edge as well and he pumped into you that much harder. The coil snapped and you orgasmed, hard enough that your thighs shook. Your walls contracting around him made Jihoon hit his high as well. His hips stilled and he let out a groan, emptying his seed into the condom.

He slowly pulled out of you and you both collapsed next to each other on the blankets with heaving breaths. After a few minutes and your breathing had returned to normal, Jihoon turned to look at you, his head resting on his shoulder. “So, frienemies?” he asked with a chuckle. 

You reached out and smacked him in the chest. “Jihoon!”

“Ouch, I’m kidding. I know we are more than that. So much more than that,” he said, tugging you closer to him and leaving a kiss on your forehead. 

“Yes, absolutely more than that,” you agreed. Jihoon drove you crazy, but you came to the conclusion that you didn’t want it any other way.

©️wooahaeproductions

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[itsascreambaby96]

Eddie Munson as Ghostface? With Reader?

Halloween pranks turned into fun time in the bedroom?

Warnings: 18+, mdni!!!!! Everyone is over 18. Knife play! Mentions of murder (no one gets killed) Oral (male recieving), this is pure smut. Plot? I don't know her. P in v sex. Bit mean!Eddie (just a tiny bit). If I missed anything let me know.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

A/N: Hehe my love that is a brilliant idea. And I am honoured to write my first Eddie piece for you😁 you know this was the final push to write that piece we were talking about a few weeks ago🤭 is this my favourite thing ever? Yes. Yes it is😌

Also applications for a boyfriend or girlfriend to do this with me are still open😅

It's a scream baby!

Eddie has been teasing you with his stupid mask all month already. And you were only half way through October. Giving you creepy calls, asking you about your favourite scary movie, which ended in hot telephone sex. Jumping out from behind the fridge, which led to Eddie hitting it from behind over the kitchen counter. Or jumping from behind a door, which ended in sex against the wall. Or jumping out of your wardrobe, which led to sex on your bed. There was no limit for him. Not like he didn't get to scare and kill people. He did. He just loved making you jump.

Of course you knew he was the famous Ghostface killer. It wasn't hard to figure out considering your High School bully wound up dead, a day after you told your boyfriend Eddie about what happened back then. You weren't sorry for them. It's what they deserved. It was also kinda hot and you might or might have not had the best sex after he admitted it. Of course he was wearing the mask, who might still have had some blood on it.

Eddie knew you had a thing for Slashers. The way you always look at them when you two watched a horror movie was a tell tale sign. And he was so excited about the thing he had planned. In his head is was coming together perfectly.

You found a part time volunteer job for the corn maze in Hawkins. The uniform wasn't much, basically just a vest and the rest were your own clothes. It was pretty chill most days. You only had to call someone 4 times yet cause some people got lost.

Today had been a quiet day and it was closing time. Your co worker left you to do the final round alone because he had an important date apparently and it couldn't wait. He was an asshole anyway so you were glad he was gone.

With your fleshlight in hand you went through the maze. You knew every path by now. It wasn't completely dark yet but having the flashlight gave you a bit of safety.

You had a weird feeling going in but it was probably nothing. You were almost finished now, already making your way back and you still couldn't shake that weird feeling. Like your were being watched and followed. Looking behind you, you saw nothing. You were going just a tad quicker just in case.

And then you heard it, a twig snapped behind you and you froze. Someone was definitely behind you. It was darker now but you didn't need your fleshlight to see who was behind you. The white mask reflected the moonlight. Black empty eyes kept looking at you. You let out a breath, fairly certain that it was Eddie. Who else would it be? Though in this town you could never be too sure.

So you said "Fuck Eddie you almost gave me a heartattack!"

Ghostface tilted his head slightly. Fuck those eyes didn't give anything away.

"I am not Eddie." You gulped at the deep modulated voice. You know it was him. 99.99% sure. But to pretend he was just a nameless killer? It kinda rilled you up.

"Oh you wanna play psycho killer? Can I be the helpless victim? Ok let's see. No please don't kill me Mister Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel." You looked at him with fake innocent eyes.

You could hear Eddie snicker and you were relieved you were right.

"You better run fast, princess. If I catch you, it's over for you." That same deep voice spoke again. Your eyes widen, excitement bubbling up.

He came a step towards you, then another and another, before you were darting off, Ghostface right behind you. You knew this maze by heart, so it was definitely on purpose that you ran into a dead end so Eddie would catch you. Of course you didn't let him know that.

You muttered an audible "Fuck" and turned around. You could hear Eddie tsk behind you. He was closer than you initially thought. A surprise gasp leaving you as his leather gloved hand wrapped around the base of your neck lightly. Eddie lightly ran his knife over your cheek. Your heart was beating wildly, adrenaline pumping through your veins.

"Poor thing. Now what to do with you?" It was kind of thrilling that you couldn't see Eddie's face, yet his movements were so telling.

The pointy tip of his knife was under your chin, slowly lifting your head. The fact that it was a real knife and he could cut you with it, the danger of it all, only added to your arousal. You were sure your panties were already drenched.

Eddie slowly dragged the knife down your throat, only adding a tiny bit of pressure so you could feel the weight of the situation.

And you certainly did, it also turned you on immensely.

"Is there any way I can safe my life?" You were batting your eyelashes at him.

"I can think of a few things." Eddie dragged his knife up your thigh and under your skirt, making goosebumps rise on your skin. Then he kept dragging the dull end of the knife against your pussy over your panties, making you moan.

"On your knees Princess." Eddie pulled the knife back and you quickly got onto your knees in fron of him. Lifting his robe and opening his pants to pull Eddie's cock out. He was already hard. So you weren't the only one getting turned on by this.

"It's not gonna suck it self. So if you want your life spared, I suggest you start. And you better make it good." God that voice. Your pussy clenched around nothing.

You licked a long strip from base to top, wrapping your lips around his deep pink tip, licking off some of the precum. You repeated this motion a few times making sure all of his dick got wet with your saliva. Then you wrapped your lips around the tip again, letting your tongue glide over his slit. Eddie kept groaning and moaning the whole time, biting his lip under the mask.

You were enjoying this as much as he was, your juices already ruined your panties. Slowly you went to take more of him into your mouth until you couldn't take it anymore. Breathing through your nose you started to bob your head up and down. Your hand wrapping around what you couldn't fit into your mouth.

Your movements started slow but your pace became quicker by the minute. Occasionally you kept sucking on his sensitive tip. The low moans Eddie made only spurred you on. Drool was running down your chin mixed with his precum. Eddie loved messy blowjobs.

He tried to hold back the urge to fuck into your throat but his self-control was running thin.

"Hands behind your back princess." His voice was even deeper now, even with the changed voice.

You looked up at him with doe eyes, making Eddie twitch in your mouth. You put your arms behind your back and Eddie gripped your hair right as he made his first thrust. It was slow, as if to test you were ok with this. Once he saw you were eager and waiting he didn't hold back anymore. A gargled sound leaving you as he fucked his whole length into you. More drool and precum dribbling out of your mouth, down your chin. Your eyes began to water but you kept the same look on your face to let Eddie know you were enjoying this as much as he was.

Shoving the entirety of his cock down your throat he kept you in place. Your nose touching the soft tufft of his pubic hair. Tears wear running down your face now, completely ruinning your mascara.

You looked all the fucked out little slut Eddie knows you are only for him. That fact almost made him come.

He pulled you back by the hair after a few seconds, letting you take in some much needed air, before he pushed inside again and holding you there.

He repeated this for a while, you looking messier and messier every time he let you come up for air. And he was definitely getting off on this. His pace got quicker, you knew he was close. His cock throbbing in your mouth and with one final push he came. Groaning, he held you there until the last drop, then finally realising you from his grip. You were coughing a little, drool and some of his come on your chin, your mascara all over the place and your hair all tangled up. Eddie loved it.

He put his dick back into his pant and softly helped you stand up. You gave him a reassuring smile. Your knees hurted now but you knew he would take care of you.

"You did so well princess. But I am not done with you yet." With that he dragged you back to his van. Good for him that he knew the maze too. You were stumbling a little and were glad when you finally reached the van.

He opened the back door, and you saw an old mattress and a blanket on top of it. He really did plan this all through.

He pushed you inside and onto the mattress, making you giggle a little. Not bothering to close the door, Eddie got on top of you, still wearing his mask. He took off your vest and your shirt. Your skirt followed suit. Now he made a show out of cutting your bra and panties off. One of his favourite things to do during foreplay. The cold metal of the knife made you shiver.

He circled the tip of the knife around your nipples until they perked, giving a deep, satisfied hum. Slowly he dragged the knife over your stomach down to your pussy. His other gloved hand was running through your wet folds.

"All this shit got you this wet? What a dirty little slut you are. Letting a killer teat you like this and then letting him fuck you. Tsk, pathetic, really." He pulled his hand up to inspect the glove. It was glistening with your arousal in the moonlight that came into the van.

Taking the tip of the knife again he began circling your clit. A whiny moan escaped you as the cold metal came in touch with your heated pussy. But you were enjoying yourself. He didn't keep this teasing up for long and threw his knife to the side. Pulling his robes up he took his pants and boxers off. His dick was already hard again.

He didn't waste more time, spreading your legs he pushed inside of you with one quick push. You threw your head back both in pleasure and pain from the stretch.

"Fuck always the best fucking pussy. Sucking me in so deep." Eddie grit out between his teeth. He could spend hours inside of you if you'd let him. Usually he gave you time to adjust but he was really impatient today and so he didn't give you as much time to adjust to his length and girth. Instead he almost completely pulled out of you and snapped right back into you, knocking the wind out of you.

You let out a choked moan as Eddie kept drilling into you and soon the pain vanished and all that was left was hot pleasure.

You wanted to hold onto him but as quick as lightning he grapped your wrists and pinned them over your head with one hand. Black eyes staring at you. The sorta anonymity made you clench tight around Eddie's dick making him groan.

With every hard thrust the mattress moved but you could care less about that. You were biting your lip to quieten some of your moans but Eddie wasn't having it.

"You better moan as loud as you want, because I want every damn person in this town to know how good I am making you feel." He was almost growling and who were you to say no to him. And so you released every moan and whine and groan you wanted. The squelching sound of your pussy adding to the erotic of this whole situation.

Eddies thrusts became harder, sloppier and erratic. You knew he was getting close again but you also knew he wanted you to come first.

His hand moved between tthe two of you and he started to rub circles against your clit, using the right pressure and pace to match his thrusts.

Like this, it didn't take long for you to tip over the edge. Your ears started to ring and a loud high pitched moan came out of you. Your legs wrapping around Eddie, locking him in, as he too, reached his end, emtpying himself deep inside of you.

Once you've both calmed down Eddie finally took off his mask and the robe as well as his shirt. He pulled out of you, colapsing next to you onto the mattress and pulling you into his arms. He gave you a long and meaningful kiss that made you melt. Your heart was still hammering against your chest.

"Was it everything you dreamt of?" His voice sounded normal again, making you relax instantly.

"No. It was even better." Your voice was hoarse but that was to be expected. You didn't mind.

"I'm glad." Eddie kissed the top of your head. You two kept laying there for a little while longer before driving home and taking a well deserved shower. After another round, consisting of Eddie eating you out you fell asleep exhausted but oh so satisfied. You definitely planned on doing this again.

[lurkingshan]

Be My Favorite: Why, Kwan, why?

Week after week I wait for this show to wobble and disappoint me, but here we are at episode 9 and it’s still going strong, even when the story goes in directions I don’t expect. I sat here for a few minutes trying to decide what to focus on from this episode, and this is the thing most on my spirit this week.

Kwan, I say this with nothing but love in my heart: what on earth are you doing getting tangled up with a guy like Not? 

In every timeline, over and over again, we see that Kwan gravitates to this dude, despite all his awful behavior. Here is what we have seen from Not to date across the timelines:

Bullying

Homophobia

Misogyny

Pretending to befriend Kawi so he could manipulate him 

Threatening to out Pisaeng for his own gain

Having a sexual relationship with Kwan while actively pursuing or even marrying Pear

All around unkind behavior toward pretty much everyone

To date, BMF has shown me nothing to explain why Kwan is so desperately into this guy. Kwan has been witness to all this same behavior we have seen throughout the story, and they have had one (1) conversation where Not was only about 50% instead of 100% an asshole. He’s not nice to her, and he doesn’t respect her. And let me say this clearly: it’s not that it’s unrealistic for a great girl to get caught up with a total dumpster fire of a man who treats her like shit. That’s a tale as old as time and I can absolutely justify how this can happen in my head. But from a storytelling and characterization perspective, I want to feel a bit more grounded in who Kwan is to fully understand why she is letting this man treat her this way. We still don’t know anything about her family background, romantic history, or personal desires beyond wanting Not’s attention. Unlike the other core characters, we don’t know what motivates her and what she wants out of life. We don’t even know that much about her friendship with Pear and how deep (or not) it is.

So here’s my best theory for now: Kwan is fat-coded in this story (but not actually fat, because actors playing fat in dramas rarely are). I first raised this idea a couple weeks ago with a few friends, asking if they thought we were supposed to be reading Kwan as fat, and therefore socially undesirable, and we were not yet confident that the show was going there with her. But at this point, it’s the only read on Kwan that’s really tracking for me.

Kwan has been placed in the familiar role of the less desirable best friend to the pretty popular girl, and has some very obvious insecurities about Not’s clear preference for Pear over her. She seems to be hoping that having sex with him will cause him to realize she is the one he actually wants (oh, girl). In the former future timeline, we see that she carried on with Not even after he got into a relationship with Pear, which to me speaks to some resentment she is carrying for Pear, as well. We’ve had some subtle indicators that Kwan and Pear may not actually be that close (like Pear saying Pisaeng is the only person she talks to about her family issues). And that would track with Kwan knowingly participating in Not two-timing Pear and never fessing up. You don’t do that to your best friend if you actually love and respect them without some other unaddressed shit laying between you.

I am still holding out hope that the show is going to give us a little more to go on with Kwan. It was only this week that we got a fuller picture of Pear’s family life, and we still have three episodes to go. I want Kwan to be a three dimensional character with desires and motivations we understand, and this drama has shown such compassion and care for its characters that I trust them to finish rounding her out. When that happens, I’ll be back to check in on this clown theory.

[tequitoclown]

Being AroAce: A rant about finding myself as aromantic and asexual.

[pt: Being AroAce: A rant about finding myself as aromantic and asexual. End pt.]

CW: Bullying, medical issues, aphobia, 13+ for very light talk of sexual activities.

Disclaimer: These are MY experiences and do not reflect everyone who uses this label or similar. I am only speaking for myself and acknowledge everyone will have a different experience!

As a kid, I never quite understood the appeal of having a romantic partner. I specifically remember others talking about how they'd love to get married. How it must be the best feeling ever to find "The One™"! I never quite understood it. Any time I asked questions, people treated me like some sort of alien. Like most things, I just pretended I wanted it too. Saving myself from being laughed at was more important.

Movies. TV shows. Video games. They all had the same romantic themes, and I never understood!

"Spend your entire life with the same person?" I thought. "Wouldn't you get bored of each other and need a break? It seems a little scary. What if that feeling fades?" If I had said that out loud, I'd probably be made fun of.

I told myself that I'm too young. I was a late bloomer is all! When I grew up, I'd finally understand. Best to keep my head down for now.

Fast forward to me being a teenager, a little worse for wear. I didn't have many friends, and while everyone else was watching movies or going to sports events, I stayed in while playing games. Between dealing with the loss of a very close family member and fighting for a diagnosis of an unknown medical issue, let's just say I was a mess.

Of course, being a teenager brings with it the awful blessings of puberty. I overheard people talking about their body count and thought it was really weird people were fantasizing about killing people. I was then informed that meant how many people you've slept with.

"Oh, zero."

"You'll find the one!" They'd say.

"... Eh, whatever."

Now everyone around me was having sex, and I still didn't understand!

The couples cuddling and making out in the hallways annoyed me. Was I jealous? I didn't know. Emotions are too confusing to understand.

"Why didn't I get it yet? Am I broken? Do I have a medical condition? What's wrong with me?! Why couldn't I have been born NORMAL!"

So many emotions. None of them made sense.

In high school I started to explore LGBT+ spaces to differing levels of success. I didn't know much, and finding resources was daunting. With intrigue, I explored various labels and communities. My gender was a whole other story I won't get into here, but my sexuality was still a mystery.

Eventually I had decided I was a bisexual with an incredibly low sex drive. I was equally attracted to both binary genders, and I just couldn't find the right person was all!

Of course this assessment was wrong, as I still hadn't stumbled upon the asexual label or considered it as closely as I should have.

I went through high school. Now I was being teased for not only being single, but for being openly LGBT+ as well. Life wasn't going great.

It took until my 20s to really give the asexual label a closer look. I had read about so many labels and I finally looked through them with an open-er mind. I was asexual, and then after a failed relationship, I realized my aromanticism. Finally, I had found myself.

So how am I doing in the current day? Mixed, but mostly positive.

It feels so weird to be alienated from something nearly everyone views as important. Dates, apps, crazy exes, weddings, kids, families... It feels so distant from me. I hear my friends confide these things into me and I'll never understand it fully.

I think that's where my biggest issue lies. I'll never understand romantic or sexual attraction because I'll probably never feel it. I barely feel human at times because I am missing out on something others view as crucial. Some call it a requirement!

I also have some romantic desires that will likely never be fulfilled. I'll probably never have my first kiss, or someone who's willing to cuddle like couples do. I'll never lose my virginity or anything like that either.

Yet these things give me power. I feel complete on my own, and I always have the company of my friends. I'm happy alone, and I know that's okay. There are others like me and we're strong together. I don't have to fit in with society's fucked up standard of normal to be who I'd like to be.

"Can't you wait to find your other half?"

"Shut up, I'm complete as I am."

[heliza24]

heliza writes Young Royals season 3

I originally wrote this as a response to a writing prompt @bluedalahorse posted, where she asked us to imagine what Felice gets up to in season 3. I ran with it and ended up writing an outline of what I would do if I had Lisa's job and was the headwriter for season 3. I'm going to repost that here in it's own post, as well as include some other ideas that didn't quite fit in my outline but I love the idea of nonetheless. These were written with my writer hat on, and were meant to be speculation rather than prediction. I don't claim to have any special insight into what the team is planning for season 3, I just like pretending that I was in the writers' room, a real pipe dream for me. But I think it will be fun to have these ideas compiled and easily linkable, so I can see how similar or different I am to Lisa when season 3 does come out.

Ok, here we go:

So in thinking about what I wanted to happen to Felice I just ended up thinking about all of the main five characters, because ideally I would like her to be an integral part of the drama affecting all of them this season. So let’s just talk about all of them! Just to re-iterate Blue’s premise, none of these are predictions. They’re just things that I would do if I were in charge. If Lisa happens to agree with me that’s cool, but I’m not basing these ideas on how likely I think they are to happen.

If I were writing season 3, I would really focus on the themes of public appearance vs authentic self. The main source of conflict in the season would come from the pressure that Kristina, the court, and the royal family in general are putting on Wilhelm and Simon to adhere to their idea of what a “proper” royal couple should look like, now that they’ve come out against the royal family’s will. The royal family is going to be all in their business, trying to manage their reputation and make sure nothing they do reflects badly on the crown.

That’s going to take several forms. First it will mean that the royal family will work to dismiss any kind of legal action that is taken against August. They don’t want to remind the public that Simon was in the sex video, and they don’t want the fact that August took it to get out. So in order to do that they will settle the case out of court with Simon and his family, or they just hire great lawyers and get any criminal charges dismissed outright based on lack of evidence or something. Crucially they will prevent August from being publicly accused of leaking the video. I think this will also involve putting pressure on Sara to stop testifying to some extent.

August is going to be preoccupied with getting the legal action dismissed in the first part of the season. He’ll be spending a lot of time with his step-dad who is his legal counsel. He’s going to be wrestling with his feelings for Sara, which I think will start as heartbreak and end as a kind of twisted anger, and with his feelings of jealousy towards Wilhelm and Simon.  Towards the climax of the season, he’ll threaten to publicize Simon’s history as a way to get back at Sara indirectly, and as a way of hopefully trashing Simon’s reputation enough that it affects Wilhelm, and prompts the court to name August the heir outright. 

At the same time, Sara is also struggling. She’s angry with August, and she and Simon aren’t speaking. She’s probably getting into trouble at her new public school, trying to stand up to her old bullies and venting some of her anger and just generally creating a PR nightmare for the royal family. As the case is dismissed and she sees her brother being pushed around more and more by the royal family, she is going to get more and more angry. Around the climax of the season she’s going to threaten to sell the entire story of the video leak to the press, and name August as the perpetrator.

Throughout the season, Wilhelm is getting a ton of pressure from his mom and the court to control both his and Simon’s behavior. This is going to cause conflict between Simon and Wilhelm. A particular point of conflict will be around Simon’s desire to be a musician and perform; if he’s going to be a prince consort that’s his whole job. He can’t also be a performer. And I think that will conflict with some opportunities Simon wants to take on. Wilhelm will also be worried about what’s going on with Sara. Every time she messes up at school it reflects poorly on him and Simon, so he’s worried about her on a reputation level. But he’s also worried that she and Simon still aren’t speaking, because he lost a brother and he doesn’t want Simon to lose his sibling as well. So Wilhelm’s going to be looking for a way to diffuse that conflict, and make sure that Sara isn’t acting out.  This will kick into high gear during the climax, when the royal family is going to try to get both Wilhelm and Simon to prevent Sara from going to the press.

So Wilhelm knows he wants to try to control Sara’s behavior and get her to reconcile with Simon (I think he’s probably telling himself that the reconciliation is his main motivation, but in reality it’s both), but he also knows he’s not friends with Sara and doesn’t have much sway with her. So he’s going to get in touch with Felice, and request that she reconcile with Sara in an attempt to influence her. (This, by the way, was the idea I had for Felice after Blue’s post that sparked this whole thing). Felice is going to feel torn about this, because she’s still mad with Sara, but she loves Wilhelm and is getting to know Simon better too and thinks this will help them. So she agrees to do it, and Sara, not knowing her motivations, takes her back as a friend. But obviously Felice does really love Sara, and as soon as they’re together again Felice has a hard time remembering the palace mandate that she’s supposed to be fulfilling. 

Ok, so we arrive at the crisis point. August is threatening to go to the press with Simon’s drug dealing, Sara is threatening to go to the press with August leaking the video. (Sara’s threat is perhaps a direct reaction to August’s threat). The palace is asking Wilhelm who is asking Felice to get Sara to stand down. Felice can’t do it; she wants August to finally face consequences too. She comes clean to Sara about her alternative motives, Sara forgives her, and they draft the expose together. Felice is angry at Wilhelm for once again using her for his own agenda without considering her needs.

Wilhelm feels so guilty about using Felice once again, and so angry at the palace for the way they have tried to meddle in his and Simon’s lives and relationship, that he realizes he can no longer play this game of public reputation above everything, and he tells his mom that he is going to take himself out of the line of succession as soon as he’s able to. That triggers the court’s emergency protocol, and they are ready to promote August to next in line to the throne, if he agrees to let Wilhelm and Simon remove themselves without incident. So August agrees not to release the drug dealing story to the press.

After all of this has gone through, the article that the palace thought they had prevented Sara and Felice from writing does indeed get published. So now their one and only heir to the throne is hated by the nation. He’s also personally miserable as he’s getting the full force of palace manipulation, and he has no friends or loved ones to confide in. We leave the palace in crisis mode; we’re unsure if the monarchy can survive through such a scandal.

Meanwhile, Sara’s article allows her and Simon to fully reconcile. Sara and Felice are truly friends again, and Felice and Wilhelm are able to repair their relationship because Wilhelm has made a decision to step away from the throne, and Felice respects that. Maybe Felice also makes the decision to leave Hillerska, or maybe we see her have some chemistry with one of Sara’s new public school friends, and we get a hint that Felice might eventually have a real relationship that isn’t dictated by expectations. We know that’s possible because Wilhelm and Simon are now living proof of that possibility. Without the pressure of the crown looming over them, Simon and Wilhelm are able to connect more deeply than they ever have before, and they ride into the sunset more as equals than they began and very much in love.

And…. fin!

Other assorted ideas I like that maybe I would try to include if I were in charge (to be fair most of these are things that I am fully stealing @bluedalahorse, so she gets most of the credit here):

Sara and Wilhelm bond; maybe they talk to each other about Simon?

August potentially uses Sara's nudes against her in a legal proceeding (this one is really blue's idea, but I think it has the potential to be incredibly dramatic! She wrote about it a bit here.)

Sara and Simon reconcile, maybe via Simon helping Sara with something, like getting an abortion for an unplanned pregnancy (again, this is a blue special, and it's possible I just want her to finish her fic that only I have read where something like this happens. but also I think Sara being really vulnerable and asking Simon for his help might be an interesting step towards forgiveness.)

Felice comes out as asexual OR gets a partner and intimacy scenes that are treated with the same cinematic magic as the Wilmon and Sargust scenes. (This feels extremely unlikely to happen to me in the real season 3 but it's still on my wishlist)

Frederika is either not queer or is unable to shake off the expectations of heteronormativity to be with Stella, in a reverse foil situation to Wilmon. Maybe she even ends up in PR relationship with August? (Another great idea by blue)

There is Big Trouble in the remaining Manor House friendship group, although I'm not sure what that would be about yet. Maddie is stuck in the middle between Strederika and Felice, whatever it is.

Getting sucked up into palace drama creates distance between Simon and Ayub and Rosh at the beginning of the season; they're probably critical of the royal family in a way that Simon isn't willing to be after he and Wilhelm have just gotten together. They reconcile by the end of the season.

Henry says something extremely clueless that makes me laugh.

Wilhelm exposes the Society and its hazing rituals which puts Hillerska itself in legal trouble, or the culture of drug use comes out in a trial about the video leak. (this is largely based on the written description we got with the promotional photos, which said that Hillerska itself was going through a crisis).

That's all I have for now, but I might add to this once the trailer comes out and gives us some more clues. I'm very interested to see if any of these are remotely similar to what the writers actually give us!

[thegeminisage]

it IS. star trek update time. i am so behind because my fucking schedule got fucked. wednesday we watched "meridian" and "defiant," thursday we watched "fascination" and "past tense" part i (i know), and last night we caught "past tense" part ii and "life support" even though we were gonna do them in release order and start voyager first.

rip. we couldn't start voyager with like 30 minutes left. it hasn't been the first time we've had to go slightly out of order and it probably won't be the last. anyway, we've officially made it to 1995! 1994 ended with a string of surprisingly mid ds9 episodes, some i might even go so far as to call duds...

meridian:

had the summary of this one ahead of time ("quark attempts to use kira in the holosuite") and was braced for the worst. i was braced for deanna-barclay's-sex toy 2.0. at one point i was like "if they do it in this episode it's worse because they KNOW it's wrong. in tng they acted like they didn't know better."

thankfully they did not do it. the one thing i can say here is that they did not do this to my girl kira. and, you know, she had odo's support! it's always nice to see them together.

actually, the first scene of this episode sent me to fucking mars. first, kira asking odo about food. i've been wondering about this too so i'm glad she did. SECONDLYYY, kira pretending she and odo were lovers and then her calling him sweetheart again even though they were alone. odo looked like he was going to think about that every day for the rest of his life. i gotta say he does "gruff pining man who refuses to admit his feelings" very very well. could ANYONE really deserve kira? no, except someone who looks at her like she's hung the moon every time he think she's not looking back. bareil who. get out of here.

i just can't believe she touched his hand. maybe odo DOESN'T make hands to touch people with maybe he makes hands specifically so major kira can touch them. AAAAAAAGHGHGH

i absolutely HATED quark in this episode. i am trying so so hard to like him and prior to this i'd gotten up to a "slightly more positive than neutral" but we set back a lot of hard work here. maybe i'm the one racist against ferengis, not sisko, but it sure would help me be less racist if quark wasn't trying to put major kira in a holosuite. it was particularly cruel i think to tell her she'd won some kind of prize when "i've never won anything before."

it is kind of fun to watch odo do his kira thing and his quark thing at the same time, like him or not i respect that quark is one of odo's love interests. in one scene he got to be protective of kira WHILE bullying quark so that must have been a good day for him. i wish it had been a good day for me also

i had seen gifs of quark in the nightgown and when i googled "quark in a dress" i got entirely different sets of pics so it was fun to see where this finally came from! it was decent revenge, also, but i feel like quark never suffers any consequences when he actually does cross a line (vs just doing petty crime). like when he was dating that maquis vulcan or whatever it was. it makes it SO hard to like him and i am TRYING SO HARD. i like ds9 so much. i want to like the entire cast.

anyway, the actual plot. jadzia dax...........i am also trying so hard with her but GIRL you are gonna run off with some guy you met two days ago?? he is gonna leave his whole planet and age 60 years without them for a girl he met two days ago?? can y'all calm down???

it's even more damning because it's jadzia especially; she's very young, and if you ignore what i know about season 6 spoilers she would likely still be very much alive AS JADZIA when the planet comes back, but if not she'd still be alive in a new host. if friendships can run multiple lifetimes, why not romances? she could literally wait for him. instead she is gonna throw her whole life away

that said, the two of them WERE incredibly charming. they had great chemistry and jadzia being nervous in the tree because of curzon's tree trauma was extremely cute. i thought julian was a good sport about it too, considering - i was so worried he'd be a freak.

but my FAVORITE part of this episode was dax and sisko saying their goodbyes. they're both really good actors, especially the guy playing sisko, that i welled up even though i knew jadzia wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't have been THAT upset if she was. i love when sisko calls her old man and I LOVE when he loves people. it was such a sweet scene.

also, sisko with the kids was so cute. he's got the dad energy 24/7 and he's such an easygoing guy. i could watch him do anything. play with kids. mess around with his little baseball. yell at admirals. brush his teeth. literally anything. he's so fucking talented he could pull everything off.

ultimately, with a horrible b-plot and an only barely passable a-plot, this ep was a dud, but even ds9's duds are better than tng's mids

defiant:

SPEAKING OF TNG.............

okay wait first i have to comment on kira's little burnout scene. i can't believe she fucking yelled at julian and instead of getting mad he was like ah okay i see you're overworked i'm ordering you to have a day off. HE'S SUCH A GOOD PERSONNNN he makes me crazy i love him so much

i DO think it was a little mean to have quark be kira's babysitter and offer kira a holo program considering. you know. but i assume the episodes were written in isolation of one another

anyway, RIKER?? i always kind of wished riker and deanna could come to ds9 with worf because they were WASTED on tng, but NOT LIKE THIS!!!

he totally tricked me. i didn't pick up that he was shady until kira was showing him around the defiant and even then i thought maybe there was a hostage situation or some alien was controlling him......NO! it was the RANDOM ASS CLONE from a random ass tng episode!!! girl, WHAT??

him peeling off the sideburns was so funny. like, this riker doesn't have those. and at first i was like the difference is so minimal NOBODY would notice but then i couldn't stop looking at his beld little cheeks. horrible.

i love when dax and kira almost had girl talk about fucking riker but then she didn't even fuck him. sad. i mean it would have been under false pretenses which is kinda sketchy (which is probably why they made time to point out they DIDN'T fuck actually, good job ds9 staff), but still. it could have been fun.

i never did figure out why evil riker (sorry for calling him evil but he kidnapped kira my best friend) had beef with o'brien...was he just trying to get him to leave? does he hate everyone who ever worked on a transporter? i forgot the details of that other ep, and i remain mystified.

i love whatever sisko and dukat have going on. they hate each other but they love to flirt with each other. sisko should be allowed to flirt more often ESPECIALLY with men.

kira did a great job sabotaging that fucking ship after only being on board for .5 seconds. you can take the girl out of the warzone but you will never take the warzone out of the girl. they're lucky she didn't have their fucking heads i love her SO MUCH

i was sad about evil riker having to go to a cardassian labor camp...nobody deserves that. maybe vedek winn deserves--no, nobody deserves that. i like that kira promised to get him out, but i checked for spoilers and apparently we don't hear anything else about him until lower decks. which, good for them for providing closure, but i'm still not looking forward to that show.

also like HE WAS RIGHT. this is the second time someone from starfleet has been like "those cardassians are up to some shady shit" and everybody called them crazy BUT THEY WERE RIGHT. the cardassians are always up to something shady!!!

fascination:

i am sighing so deeply.

okay, right off the bat, i was at LEAST relieved jake finally got dumped by his FULLY GROWN ADULT GF. that was maybe the high point of this episode??

lwaxana troi is back. this is the first time we've seen her since i decided no one is allowed to be mean to her anymore. i do maybe perhaps wish she had touched odo a LITTLE less.

very sad when iodo thought he and kira were going on a little holiday date and she was like yeah remember my boyfriend? get out of here!

the bit with julian and obrien talking about how much racquetball they played was pretty good actually. like it was a good set-up to the thing later where julian was like oh buddy i know i said i was getting sick of racquetball before but i am actually down for HOWEVER many games it takes. he's such a good person. kill meee

jake falling for kira first was HORRIBLE. i was starting to wonder if he had an older woman complex. it was starting to get upsetting!!! someone put a stop to this!!!

"the office has changed winn" i don't think it has i think she's still an evil bitter old bitch. actually i got proved right later in fascination. so.

okay, actually, it was a little funny when dax fell for sisko and then he started nervous laughing about it thinking she was joking because this is NOT like fucking twins together and then she was no im dead serious lets fuck and he got out of there like the road runner so he could take her to sickbay. he's a good person too

also when kira and bashir started going at it, mostly because both of them were equally embarrassed/horrified/begging someone to get them apart with a cold water hose. i bet they were like let us NEVER speak of this again

however most of this episode was VERY uncomfortable and unfunny.........like, quark going after KEIKO? gross. i hate him. and, love and light, of COURSE it was lwaxana's fault...she was so toned down in this ep i almost forgot she was there

final note, it was absolutely miserable watching obrien and keiko fight...i want them to be happy! i can't believe they almost got divorced and there wasn't even a spell or anything happening. obrien was NOT at his best here and he's lucky he's good at apologies. in his defense on one point she DID ask him to decide what to do and got mad about his decision...but like, was he wrong? the red dress DOES look fantastic.

past tense parts i & ii:

I WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS............

ok some bg explanation required. ever since seeing this art and this art i became a little obsessed with an aos version of city on the edge of forever where they visit the 90s. the 90s would have about the same level of nostalgia to a modern audience as the 30s did to tos's original audience, right? it's one of those things i always thought about writing but will probably never seriously get around to. but in my mind palace, the aos version would HAVE to be in san fran - the geographical opposite of new york, and also the climate opposite (socal in summer vs nyc in winter). like i have half a plot sketched out in my head, this is a thing i have given SERIOUS thought to - i just don't know much about this era in trek's history

SO WHEN I REALIZED. THEY HAD TIME TRAVELED. which i did as soon as i saw the guns. i was BESIDE MYSELF with joy

and how absolutely fitting that it's 2024 in that show and in real life! i want to rewatch these episodes on august 30th.

also, sorry, if it's august in san fran why are they so cold...we looked up temps and the LOWEST low is 55, which IS chilly, but they were acting like they were freezing to death lol

this episode is ABSOLUTELY the spiritual sequel to city on the edge of forever. back to a dark period in earth history, stranded there, a good person has to die to uphold history, etc etc. it was SO GOOD.

it aged both poorly and fantastically. every time they were like well the deaths of these innocent people made the world pull their shit together...uh, no, we passed that opportunity several school shootings and one pandemic ago. on the other hand, every time they basically turned to the camera and shamed us for letting it get this bad...what was that line, "causing people to suffer because you hate them is really terrible, but causing people to suffer because you don't care is worse." so true the news has numbed us into total apathy at even the most horrific of injustices "they'll remember how to care, in this century" WILL WE?? absolutely spooky and uncanny

references to the internet were really good. we gotta log on to the net. it won't let me in without my ID. ok are you in a republican state??

julian fighting his own internal nature every time he had an opportunity to save someone and couldn't. i was getting nervous even when he gave that woman a chocolate bar to treat her blood sugar. HE'S SUCH A GOOD PERSONNN

wah. sisko bring julian breakfast

i KNEW that guy who jumped in the fight was bell the second he did it. i knew he was gonna die and sisko was gonna have to replace him. absolutely over the moon about it. sorry to bell of course but we don't get nearly enough sisko content. the other characters in these episodes almost felt like afterthoughts, except for dax and julian a little bit.

even dax just spent the whole episode seducing and then radicalizing a capitalist though. which, good for her, but her scenes were SO BORING compared to everything my best friend sisko was doing

i did have a good laugh and kira and obrien landing in various wrong eras though. "i broke my nose" ma'am your hand in marriage

fun surprise of this episode was the really, really annoying mouthy guard also getting radicalized. i didn't see it coming, because he seemed really determined to get himself killed (to the point of sisko having to manhandle him to get him to shut up even a little lol) and i thought he was just there to make sisko's job harder. but then you hit the end and he has this come to jesus moment in real time before your eyes...i don't believe we'll remember how to care on a global level in this century, but THAT i did believe. it was SUCH a fun nice surprise, i really enjoyed that

my only complaint is that i wish they had played up the danger to sisko more - like we all know he can't die, but i wish the characters had worried about it more. i think the implication was that webb didn't have to die here, but someone did, and since it wasn't sisko, it was him? mush as i love kira and o'briens gag, i feel like we could have spent more time on the fact that sisko was willing to die - and leave his own son behind - if it preserved the timeline, and there was a very real danger of that happening. i really like julian staying behind when he didn't have to, and i felt like it was BECAUSE of this specific reason - he was desperate to prevent sisko's death. which he sort of did indirectly do, but i feel like that danger hanging over everyone would have for a more satisfying conclusion

oh wait final note. the fact that sisko read up on the fucking rules of acquisition because quark accused him of being racist a few episodes ago. KING behavior. i absolutely love that

life support:

...because it turns out he WAS racist against ferengi! i had nearly forgotten but jake reminded us that sisko once said ferengi and humans were too different to be friends. damn. tng is always forgetting its own episodes but ds9 remembers stuff that even i forgot

anyway. was this one EVER rough.

first of all, the b-plot of "nog doesn't know how to act around women" does not go well with the a-plot of "kira loses her lover one inch at a time while modern medicine turns him into a zombie in the name of politics"

i think the b-plot was bad because nog and jake's issue isn't "we had a moment of culture clash" it was "nog is treating women like property when they don't want to be treated that way." like, it doesn't matter if that's what ferengi do, he's NOT DATING FERENGI so he can't expect them to ACT like ferengi women. this was not about the ethics of "can we really protest sexism if it's a cultural thing" it was about nog failing to read a social cue. jake wasn't the only angry one, the girls weren't about it either

that said, this would never have happened if jake hadn't tried to ditch his friend for a girl. at least the girl was finally his own age i guess

i do like that he asked odo to fix it though. he was like odo i need you to be SUCH a huge bitch to nog and me for a little while and odo was like say no more sir

a-plot of this episode was somehow even worse. firstly, the OFFICE did NOT change winn. she is still a power-grubbing heartless old bitch, as evidenced by her outright refusing to lie to bareil for his own health when all she did in season 1 and 2 were lie to get her own way. she CHEATED to get this job and now she doesn't wanna fucking do it, she wants to use a dying (zombified) man as her scapegoat and tool. i can't wait until this bitch dies

and look. i never liked bareil. that first sex vision he and kira had in the orb really put me off. it seemed to make her deeply uncomfortable more than flustered-embarrassed the way you'd get if you'd seen your crush naked in the orb, you know? like i thought they were setting him up to be a bad guy. by the time i realized that wasn't the case it was too late. he always just kinda rubbed me the wrong way

but not even bareil deserves this!! me at the beginning of the episode yeah he's going to hell for touching kira in her orb vision me by the end can we please let him die already PLEEEASE please please

julian in this episode was so sad...he wanted to help, and instead he was being forced by literally everyone to use his doctor powers for evil. i think he was relieved near the end when he (and his patient) finally got to be finished with the torture.

kira's scene at the end was amazing, of course. she's already gone through so much and this is just one more shitty thing!!! she's so strong and i wish she didn't have to be. PLEASE treat her really niceys.

i can't say i'm sorry to get done with bareil's scenes, though, since i never liked him much. but i MUCH would have rather winn died instead.

whew!! that was a long one. NEXT TIME.....................we begin voyager. please please please please be good

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

nanshe fest anon here, haha let me invent a callsign .... how about Rio :)

i totally relate to what you mean when you said you are not able to distinguish between the "lesbian" and bisexual experience shared in that interview. things like this hindered my ability to understand what my sexuality even was, since i cant relate to either of them. then i read "lesbian books" and dont understand how they can have sex with men without a mental breakdown. i had a mental breakdown about my sexuality when i was pressured to marry, tried DIY conversion therapy on myself but when i faced with the option of even touching a man sexually, death seemed better because how could i live like that? theres no way. of course this made my mental health worse but not to trauma dump - i am ok now, so dont worry.

the anon who talked about strap ons was also very insightful. the focus on strap-on contributed to me developing a severe sense of dysphoria around my genitalia with this depression that i would never be able to have a "real" sex life.

this is why it is so important for lesbian experiences to be heard, i think the queer spaces are making things worse for us, particularly when we are young and vulnerable. also i am from a non-english speaking country, where homosexuality is still criminal so i could only turn to these spaces for support. i think even in countries such as the US, its the same for a lot of lesbian girls in rural towns... they turn to these spaces for help online since its so scary to be a child in a violent homophobic family. maybe they get helped because its worse than nothing. but also it can screw with ur mind a lot. my dream lesbian event would be to hear from more lesbians of color who grew up outside west europe/us/canada... i had to leave my birth country to be able to have a future. but i feel so awkward to be the only lesbian of color in the room 99% of the time. its not that the white women are cruel, dont misunderstand me, they can be lovely and supportive. but it adds an extra level of alienation, because so many times in my country people would call homosexuality as a white persons invention. of course i know that lesbians exist elsewhere but it would be nice to see that in person at these events!

-rio

Hi again, Rio! :D

Yeah it's messed up that even in the "lesbian community" we think we're freaks so we don't even dare talking about our experience! I grew up in a small town and I remember discreetly reading sex ed books for teens at the bookshop for any info or positivity about lesbians, instead I would only find a paragraph telling me it's a phase. So tumblr was my lesbian safe space back in 2010, for example the "it gets better" campaign really helped me when I was bullied in high-school (unfortunately now that charity pretends they have no idea what a lesbian is...) Now the lesbian content is awful and lesbophobic everywhere, offline and online.

And I feel you about lesbian books, I finally got around to reading one I bought years ago because it was recommended to me and it was about two "lesbians" leaving their husbands for each other... We need book lists with actual lesbian rep!

All the strap-on stuff invading lesbian spaces is so weird yeah... A few minutes ago I clicked on a blog because she was talking about wanting to finger a woman while having acrylic nails, which made me go 🤨 and while she called herself a lesbian, it was obvious she wasn't, it was all talk about c*ckwarming and deepthr*ating ("but it's only for strap and girlc*ck, if you're a man do not interact!!!!" 🤪) I don't know if you had sex already but let me tell you that you are not lacking anything and no real lesbian will think you need a sex toy to be a complete partner and have real sex, she will only want you as you are. I mean, my ex-gf and I never even considered trying a strap-on and we definitely thought the sex we were having was real and amazing haha

About meeting lesbians of color, maybe you can find events on Instagram? I wondered why I never saw many women of color at lesbian events in Paris until I learned that black women preferred creating their own events and advertising them on Insta! Maybe you can also find an organization for LGBT refugees? Hopefully you can meet lesbians there :)

[topherwrites]

omg I HAVE to ask about 'tis the damn season and two slow dancers (last ones out) because those are two of my FAVORITE songs!!

also ik you already talked about the while you were sleeping au but i just wanna say that i am sooo excited for it bc it's one of my comfort movies and ive seen it like a billion times <3 i cant wait to see what you do with it

a mitski or taylor title will always slap.

So, 'tis the damn season is a brother's best friend fic. Jake grew up poor and his mother died when he was young, leaving him with his asshole of a father.

Reader's family is very rich, like owning oil fields in Texas rich. Jake and her brother, Ian, were on the same pewee football team as kids and quickly became inseparable, their house always a refuge for him, especially during the holidays.

Jake, after not being able to make it for the holidays for the past few years due to not being able to get time off or being deployed, is bullied by Ian to come. This year the reader's parents are renting a lodge for the entire extended family in a made up skiing town in Colorado.

The reader is spending the holidays single, she has a (ex?)boyfriend she's taking some time apart from after a failed proposal where she told him she 'had to think about it'.

There's been a low simmering tension betweeen them for a number of years, that with her being newly single and Jake being Jake begins to come to a boil. They keep getting just a brush away from kissing—until they finally do.

And then... her boyfriend shows up uninvited. She tries to pretend like nothing happened between her and Jake, which annoys the shit out of him.

And they have to navigate family and insecurites and wants and needs all under a deadline—both of you are flying back to opposite sides of the country on January first.

here's one snippet under the cut and the pinterest board:

“My aunts hit on you yet?” He clicks his tongue. “One out of four so far. Nights still young.” You shrug, throwing back the last swig in your glass, “Or maybe you're losing your touch.”

and here's another, because i'm super excited about this fic.

With your head settled comfortably in his lap, he inquires, “Where's that boyfriend of yours?” “Uh, not, here.” You're quiet for a moment, a pinch to your brow and your lip tucked between your teeth. Clearly uncomfortable, not necessarily by him asking the question but by the memory it recalls. You release it with a sigh, “He proposed.” There’s an odd stirring in his chest, “Oh?” His hand drifts, thumb driving into the muscles below your ear. You let out a soft sigh, eyelashes fluttering, your body comfortably settling at the touch. He assumes why you're sans boyfriend, “And you said no.” It’s sort of a surprise, you don't really seem like the kind of girl who would not know whether you wanted to marry someone after three years, you also don't seem like the kind of girl who turns down proposals. You'd say yes just to keep everyone happy, especially your parents. Your eyes drift back open, yet you don't make eye contact, “No, I said I had to think about it.” “And?” “And… I'm thinking about it.” You take a swig off the bottle, settling your head back down into his hold.  “The sex is bad,” you blurt. It sounds like something you've been mulling over for a long time, the words worn smooth in your head, but it also sounds like you're trying to shove them back in as they come out.

two slow dancers (last ones out) is a second chance romance. The reader has finally filed for divorce from Jake after being estranged for three years because he reenlisted without telling her.

here's a snippet from a very rough draft:

With his hands bunched in the back of your shirt, he tugs, creating breathing room.  “I dont want to fuck you in the driveway.” He also doesn’t really want to fuck you in the shitbox place he’s renting. He wants to fuck you in your house, in your bed. He wants the things you shared to be the both of yours again. He's almost entirely sure that's never going to happen, he's fucked this beyond repair, so he’s smart enough to take what you offer him. You nod. He slides out of the car, a hand on your back and under your ass to steady you. He tosses you over his shoulder, hopping up the steps, carrying you to the door. Leaving one hand hooked over your thighs to keep you steady, he unlocks the front door, his other hand shakes as he fits the key into the lock. An image, now made bitter, of him doing the very same when you bought that big blue house together flashes through both of your minds. So many years younger then, so many older now. He feels ill, and can imagine you feel the same. You smack his back, your voice losing any playful or heady quality, “Put me down.”

thank you for the ask and your kind words!!

[otter1962crystalball]

The Pursuit of Happiness

June 28th, 2024

Happy 28th day if Pride. We’re almost at the end. Happiness what is that for me? How did I lose it? How did I get it back? How can I continue to be happy?

When I was really young, it was easy to be happy. I used to sing, dance, play with my imagination and found joy in everything. How did I lose it as I got older? One single word: Life.

Happiness to me means being in an emotional state showing  feelings of joy, satisfaction, fulfillment and contentment. As a child, I had all of that. Life was so simple and innocent. Life in early school was a happy time for me as well. I enjoyed everything about school and put my heart into everything right up to the end of grade 5. Then, life changed.

In grade 6 and on, I became aware of a world that didn’t seem to like exuberance and out of control joy. I can remember bigger kids putting me in my place and telling me to shut up. Why didn’t everyone else share my joy of life? It was such a difference to feel that I had to shut up and close down. Then the teasing started from other kids making fun of me and calling me fag, faggot, queer and more. It continued on into the end of middle school (grade 8 in Ontario) and continued on into high school all the way to grade 12. The bullying became worse in high school. I’ve already written about that in my blog so I won’t go into detail. Needless to say, I couldn’t find a way to be happy. I often just went through the motions so that my friends wouldn’t see the real me. I was only truly happy when I was on my own, out in the woods, birdwatching. Being in nature made me happy.

When I left home at 17, I though that I had found happiness in going to bars, having sex and staying out late. Looking back, I can tell that it was kind of a false sense of security and that I was pretending that I was happy. I lost the opportunity to be in nature a lot as well.

When HIV came along, life stopped. It wasn’t a matter of living, but surviving with the disease over my head ready to strike at a moment’s notice. Depression became the norm - especially after I split with my first partner. In place of happiness was sadness, rebelliousness, lashing out at others and feeling that all that was left was to give up. Again, I’ve written about this time of my life before in my blogs.

During that time, I began to search for happiness. One day I looked out the window and I saw a goldfinch sitting on the edge of the balcony he was in bright breeding plumage. The sight of a bird like this used to bring me such joy. At that moment, I felt nothing at all and it bothered me a lot, hence the search for happiness.

I talked to many counsellors, physiologists and friend, but the message never came to about how I could be happy again. It seemed that I had to figure it out for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there were times of happiness, but I didn’t always feel it was like the old happiness that I felt when I was younger. During the beginning of my relationships there was happiness, but I was dependent on the other guy to make me happy.

Forward to the time of my cancer - 2019. After my operation, I had chemotherapy and it was hard. What I did find was that new friendships were happening and there was a joy in having them. I’ve written of Seann before. He awakened a joy of having a great friend. My friend, Gary did the same for me.

When COVID hit, I spent a lot of time working on myself in a self help group. There were some really great tools. You can read about it in my other blog: https://www.tumblr.com/otterenergy1962. It was the isolation and work on myself that transformed me into who I am today. During that time, I found happiness again. There was a joy in a lot of the things that I did because cancer, like HIV, had scared me into a depression.

What was the big change? Self validation instead of outside validation. I was taking care of myself. I was doing things for myself. I was dealing with being alone and didn’t feel lonely much. I had looked inside myself and saw something that I hadn’t seen before: a brave man who has been through so much and has pulled through and succeeded. I took time to speak to my inner child and told him that I would take care of him. I also found his joy and began to feel that again.

Having wonderful friends who are genuine and accept me without trying to change me makes me happy. Taking care of myself makes me happy. Having pets such as Parker, Suki and now Finn along with Karma makes me really happy. There is such a joy in Finn that I marvel at it and can feel it when he is just being happy. The other day I noticed that he loves to jump and run through the clover at the side of the walking path. It made me smile. I’m playing more with him and he loves it as much as I do. The cat is getting a lot more pets as well - which she soaks up. I’ve developed routines that allow me to find a balance between things that I need to do versus the things I want to do.

Am I happy today? Yes. I love my life and each day I wake up and live for me. Now that I am happy, there is hope that there might be someone who will join me. Until that time, I am going to have a blast on my own! I’m celebrating Pride because I have rediscovered happiness. It was there all the time; I just didn’t realize it.

Carpe diem, everyone. Be happy.

[schizowitchic]

re: the last post i reblogged i am now going to rant about biphobia i have experienced and am experiencing! yay /s

(under a cut bc this got way too long)

so in secondary school i was in a friend group full of queer people, majority of whom were bisexual girls (at the time. a couple are now nonbinary / asexual) . and they were very big on the whole "bisexual culture is liking every woman and 2 men" thing, a lot of "ew men" jokes, and all in all general "liking women is better than liking men" "why am i dating a gross icky man i should be with a woman".

now i am more attracted to men than women, not by much, its typically fairly equal, but i definitely have a leaning towards men. and i repressed that for AGES. because it simply was "frowned upon", so to speak, from almost everyone i was close with

(for further context for the rest of this. i am not out as genderfluid. i use she/her pronouns irl and ppl know me as a cis woman. i am not really out as aromantic, when i identified as aroace i did tell a few people but i think they either completely ignored me or forgot. lol.)

nowadays, i tell my friends i am bisexual. one in particular always seems to forget, constantly calling me gay/lesbian, assuming i have no opinion or that my opinion will be "ew no" when she asks if i find a man she likes hot. (she has told me so many times "why am i asking you this you don't even like men". i have told her i am bisexual several times) (she also thinks it's funny to call me & another friend "f-slurs" . she says that not the actual word but still. i have to find it funny bc she gets so defensive if we imply she's homophobic)

(i do call myself gay bc i consider none of my attraction ever to be straight. i have no major issues with being called a lesbian apart from the fact that. yknow. im not a lesbian and have never identified as such)

i made a post a while back saying something like "help im being biseuxal erasured". because i am!! i am stuck in yet another situation with people who are either mainly attracted to women/only attracted to women/don't often talk about their attraction to me & also two cishet girls who are attracted to men in a very different way than i am (one of whom erases the fact i am attracted to men and the other who i don't like and probably assumes i'm a lesbian bc of how often everyone else says that)

also full of "ew men" jokes!!. might i add.

i literally have no space to talk about the way i experience attraction, i have to water it down and pretend i only like women, pretend i am interested in romance, pretend i feel attraction when the occasioanll bout of extreme sex-repulsion hits, take (albeit censored) homophobic slurs, sex jokes about me & another female friend that are getting uncomfortable.

and pretend like the main perpretatror of this isn't being at all queerphobic. (she also has massive racism and antisemitism issues. although my friend did throw basically a whole book at her face when she made a really bad joke). to the point where i no longer consider her a friend but i can't say that bc then im overreacting and i'll get the same bullying ostracisation treatment & my friends are still gonna hang out w her so i can't avoid it

people wonder why i am aplatonic when throughout friendships i have experienced: making fun of me to my face & behind my back, bullying, homophobia, biphobia, aphobia, ableism .

like what the fuck. im sick and fucking tired of having nowhere safe to express my sexuality bc let's be real, the internet often isn't the best space.

ive made my peace with either having to compromise my aromanticism or my allosexuality irl (ie either be out as bisexual or out as aroace) but apparently i can't even freely be bisexual without people making assumptions and at this point im just waiting it out until i can hit restart and try make new friends

[elipheleh]

Section 28 & Henry

So I wrote a series before the film was released where we learnt together about things from the book. I’ve been seeing some things about Henry growing up & not necessarily having the queer visibility available to him in the same way Alex did. Someone was writing about Henry at school, or mentioned it in passing - I can’t find the post now - and it reminded me of something that non-UK folk (and even perhaps the younger UK folk) wouldn’t be aware of, but would have been a part of Henry’s schooling if he had been at school, both as book-accurate age but especially as the aged-up film version. (Alex is aged up to 27 so im putting Henry at a similar age.)

This post will talk about the history behind Section 28 & its legacy, and then some personal anecdotes that will contextualise what it might’ve been like for Henry, under the premise of the real world being comparable to the RWRB universe.

—

Section 28 was part of a wider Local Government Act, and was enacted in May of 1988 by a Conservative government under Thatcher. ‘The amendment stated that a local authority "shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality" or "promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship".’ (source) In simple English, this meant that teachers - and anyone on staff - couldn’t talk about or make reference to anything that wasnt cis-heterosexuality, nor could they be openly queer. Student support groups for queer teens also had to either close or self-censor, and many teachers worried that stepping in to stop homophobic bullying would result in censure & so didn’t speak out.

Section 28 was repealed in Scotland in June 2000 and in the rest of the UK in November 2003 (under a Labour Government), but the shadow of it was present for years after - and arguably still to this day to some degree.

It was enacted for a number of reasons, but predominantly due to moral panic resulting from a negative shift in opinion about non-straight sexualities & the AIDs epidemic. Alliances between labour unions & LGBT groups (for example Lesbians & Gays Support the Miners and the National Union of Mineworkers - if you’ve seen Pride, this is the two groups featured there) caused the introduction of a resolution at the Labour Party Conference in 1985 to criminalise discrimination against LGB people. During the election campaign in 1987, then-Prime Minister Thatcher & the Conservative Party ran a smear campaign that suggested the Labour Party wanted to teach young children about explicit queer sex in schools (they didn’t).

The resulting response after the enactment of Section 28 was that of increased homophobia alongside an spike of action by the British gay rights movement. One of the UK’s leading queer groups, Stonewall, emerged from the response to Section 28, and Ian McKellen came out as a gay in 1988, whilst arguing against the legislation. However, as I mentioned previously, the shadow of Section 28 is still felt now. In 2014, 10 years after its full repeal, 29% of secondary school (age 11-17) teachers weren’t certain that they were allowed to teach lessons about LGBT topics. In 2016, it was found that school libraries still had very little queer literature or support from librarians for queer students, and 3 years later there were still British librarians who assumed Section 28 was still law - a full 16 years after full repeal. A 2018 study found that teachers who had worked under Section 28 were still cautious about being openly queer, in contrast to those who were trained as teachers after 2003.

—

for context, i am 30 & was schooled in England specifically. i did go to a same-sex high school (secondary school) but i did not go to a private school (as Henry would have, were he real!) so some things will differ but it would not have been better for Henry than my experiences.

On a more personal note, I started school in 1997 and left in 2011. Throughout my schooling - my entire secondary/high school experience was once Section 28 had been repealed - I can count on one hand the number of times I encountered anything that was positive about queer people, and even less if you limit it to being ‘approved’ information. My most common exposure was hearing someone being accused of being attracted to the same sex, usually with slurs, and I use ‘accused’ here intentionally as it was meant to be insulting. There was no-one openly queer in my school - my friend was trans, but we didn’t ever call it that. I just knew from their reaction that their very-gendered birth-name made them uncomfortable & the neutral diminutive was preferred (as an example, Alexandra and Alex - this isn't their name). I don’t know if they knew the word for it then, I certainly didn’t. We didn’t learn about sexuality in PSHE (Personal, Social, Health Education), and we definitely didn’t have openly queer teachers. Straight was the default & the only option.

I talked to my friend about their experience - they’re 22 so Henry’s schooling would fall in between mine & their's in both book & film - and realistically there was not much difference. They were at a mixed-gender school, and had a couple of mentions of ‘gay’ in classes (e.g. one reference to ‘g is for gay’ in an alphabet song) but were also expected to debate if being gay was wrong in RE (religious education). Being queer wasn’t ‘okay’ but it wasn’t necessarily inherently terrible in the way my experience implied it to be. They also didn’t have any lgbt/queer clubs in school.

Another friend a similar age to myself had no positive mention of queer sexuality until they were at university, but instead was surrounded by constant slurs, was accused of being a lesbian, and heared queer (as a slur) & the f-slur thrown around on an almost hourly basis, with teachers ignoring it.

From my understanding & perspective, Henry would have had a more repressive existence than our experiences. Private all-boys boarding school, especially Eton (the school of choice for the male British royals!), would have had much more negativity surrounding being gay, and I doubt the repeal of Section 28 had much impact in such a conservative setting like that. There are open letters from former students of Eton, some of which lay out their (predominantly negative) experience with being queer at school. I've linked them below.

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Sources/Additional Reading: Wikipedia - Section 28 BBC - Section 28: What was it and how did it affect LGBT+ people? Tribune - The Long Shadow of Section 28 Attitude - How Section 28’s painful legacy is still being felt three decades on - cw for homophobic violence, addiction, suicide Metro - Section 28 was repealed 15 years ago but I can’t forget the impact it had on me so easily - cw for homophobic violence, mention of grooming, suicide & addiction Guardian - Section 28 protesters 30 years on: ‘We were arrested and put in a cell up by Big Ben’ LSE - Section 28, three decades on: the legacy of a homophobic law through the LSE Library’s collections Daily Beast - I Was Eton’s Only Out Schoolboy Pink News (in response to the above) - Comment: Yes, there is homophobia at Eton Huffington Post (similar as above, more information/context) - Former Eton Student Jamie Jackson's Open Letter Proves There IS Homophobia At The College

[mahvaladara]

Therapist: And, has there been any incidents since what happened in Gym class?

Syra: Incidents? You mean if anyone’s been harassing me, bullying me or mistreating me over the fact they now know I’m packing a gun?

The therapist cleared her throat to try and hide a laugh.

Therapist: Yes.

Syra: Of course. We’re kids. Kids are cruel. There’s been some ‘futa’ comments and 'tranny’ thrown around. A kid or two has yelled out a “freak” too, before pretending it wasn’t them. Some of my classmates have been avoiding me. But I never had many friends to start with, so. Nothing that I wasn’t expecting.

Therapist: Excuse me, futa?

Syra: Futanari. It’s a japanese hentai style, where a girl usually has a massive dong.

Therapist: Do you always speak with such terms when talking about sex? I had this idea you were a lovely and polite girl.

Syra: And I am. But I am very much annoyed. I guess some of my dad’s pettiness and bitterness is bleeding out into me when I am like this. 

Therapist: I understand this behavior is annoying to you-

Syra: Do you? I was expecting them to start treating me like this the moment it came out I was a fully functional intersex. That’s not what annoys me. 

Therapist: Then what is? So I can help.

Syra: What annoys me is this. Me being called to counseling with you, instead of the school pushing for my condition to be properly explained in Sex-Ed class. I have people calling me a hermaphrodite! I’m a person, not a fucking flower!

That you’re asking me if people are treating me differently, as expected, instead of like, I don’t know? Have a group session with all of the class where we could discuss this and turn this incident into a learning experience?

You’re asking me questions as if somehow the fact my anatomy is different is my fault. 

My classmates don’t know what intersex means! They spend their time on trendy and plopsy and social bunny! They don’t simoogle these things!

They’re just learning what a gender identity and what queer means, most of them don’t even know what closet they’re in yet! And BAM, now they have my junk dangling out for them to see? Of course they’re going to be confused, angry, even prejudicious! They’re teens, we’re dumb, we’re insecure, we want to fit in, so of course if someone points and laughs, everyone else is going to do the same! 

This is scary! I have boobs, I sound, I look, I smell, I feel like a girl! I am not supposed to have a dick, but I do! They’re going to be confused, because they don’t know how to deal with this or process this!

And instead of doing something to teach like you should, you’re walking around me like on eggshells. Why? Are you afraid I am going to sue the school? Is that it? Cause my mom is a celebrity lawyer?

The therapist remained quiet, letting Syra lay out her heart.

Syra: Dad says to always expect the worse from everyone, and I do. And I understand. Maybe more than you.

The school knew I was intersex, my dad forwarded a request for me to use a private bathroom, it was granted. But I made a special request to use pants, sweat pants, instead of those teeny, tiny shorts, you make girls wear in gym class. You said no, because of the dress-code. Yet Watcher forbid I dare wear form fitting leggings to school! I’ll get dress-coded and sent home! Because form-fitting leggings are too distracting to male students, because they can see the outline of my nads! But wearing shorts that nearly show my buttcrack between squats at gym class, isn’t!

[glittiris]

Internalized Misogyny & Gender Identity

I am not a trans man, and I don’t think I ever wanted to be a trans man, I just didn’t want to be myself. I came to the conclusion that I must be trans when I started going through puberty which is very telling now that I’m an adult looking back on that phase of my life. Everyone feels uncomfortable during puberty, but my discomfort with the changes I was experiencing was so intense I wanted an escape from womanhood. I’ve never fully confronted these feelings and I’m only doing so now because I came across a video on YouTube by someone who detransitioned and shares almost the same experience as me. It inspired me. 

I was always one of the boys and the label “tomboy” was heavily pushed onto me. I remember being obsessed with that label because it felt like I was being praised for not being like the other girls my age. I do think this label was harmful because combined with being ostracized by the girls, it made me think I was actually meant to be a boy. Around this time was when I discovered I liked girls just as much as I liked boys, which made the boys see me as one of them even more. I didn’t know what transgender was at this point and didn’t even think of myself as bisexual. I considered myself a lesbian.

I think another factor was my lack of control, especially in my appearance. I was forced to wear dresses and my Catholic school had a strict dress code that enforced that girls must wear skirts no matter what. For years, I hated these articles of clothing because I didn’t have control over when I would wear them, but even when I identified as a trans man, I didn’t have control over my appearance because I had to appeal to what was expected of me now that I was identifying as a boy. Even now as a woman who identifies with all pronouns, people still place expectation onto me because of my previous gender identity. I hate being asked if I’m still identifying as a boy or when people notice I’m more feminine because it’s actually quite embarrassing. I went years forcing myself to abide by the confines of the stereotypical boy even after I realized I don’t feel trans because I was scared to harm the trans community even though I’m an unknown case. I was scared to tell my mother because of all the pain I put her through throwing tantrums because she wouldn’t let me cut my hair, take me to a therapist and buy me binders right away. She still holds that against me and thinks I was just an unruly child, but I was desperately trying to claw my way out of myself because my body was changing, and I didn’t know how to cope with it as a 9–10-year-old and even later as a teen. It didn’t help that my mother was making comments on my body and telling me things like "You have such a cute stomach.” I’m still so scared to wear certain things around my mother because I feel her eyes looking at all the things she used to have before getting old. Those feelings made me start binding and wearing baggy clothes. I didn’t want to be ogled at.

I remember asking my mother if I sounded like a boy and trying to drop my voice, only for her to just say “No” to me. I hated my voice and wanted it to be deeper so badly, and now it is and I’m so happy I didn’t take testosterone to prematurely drop it. Due to bullying, I didn’t feel pretty and thought I would look better as a boy. Many of my “crushes” on boys were just because I wanted to look just like them and confused the transpo-admiration for romantic feelings. Part of me did think it was weird that I had a million crushes at once, but I just went for the guy I felt the most “attracted” to and pretended like they were my one & only. I started straying away from identifying as transgender when I felt like I had to identify with my birth sex to be with certain boys I liked who were completely straight and uncomfortable with calling me their boyfriend. I started getting frustrated with how limiting the label “transgender” became but felt that I had already gone too far with this new me that I couldn’t just go back on everything I said. It was frustrating still not being able to wear the clothes I want and not being able to do the things I want because I would risk not being taken seriously as a trans boy, but I had to press on because that’s what I wanted, right? I wanted to be a boy and if that’s what it took to be a boy, then I was willing to suffer. At some point I realized I wasn’t being strict with my pronouns and actually hated when my pronouns were even mentioned at all. My mother would mess up and correct herself in an over-the-top manner that made it so obvious that she messed up, and I was just tired of it being a problem, so I stopped correcting people all together. Something I experience a lot is being infantilized by people because they think they’re doing the right thing by expressing how supportive they are and how welcome I am, but it feels uncomfortable, and I just want to be treated like a normal person rather than be questioned and talked up the wazoo about my identity. I don’t even think anyone in the LGBTQ community wants to be constantly reassured that they’re in a safe place and that they’re normal. If we’re so normal, why not talk to us like straight/cisgender people? Anyhoo.. 

I’m still learning how to love and accept myself, and womanhood. I’m glad I have the rest of my life to experience all the girly things, but I’m sad that I wasted my childhood and teen years being so miserable with myself. Can’t wait to be an old woman and not even remember any of this. 

[rose-tinted-nostalgia]

attempting to coparent with someone who holds different beliefs than you is so fucking infuriating,

and I'm a tolerant person. I am not judgmental at all when it comes to different, not harmful, beliefs, and I believe a child has a right to learn about all sorts of different things and to form their own beliefs and opinions, even if they're different than mine. I accept that, I do. I am not religious, and so I don't go to church, and I don't teach my son about god, but when it comes up, when asks about death or god or other things, I answer him to the best of my ability. I give him options. I tell him different things that different people believe, and I let him choose what sounds best to him.

My son is six, but he's hyper analytical, and he questions everything. I mean, when I told him some people believe god created the universe, this kid turned towards me, deadpaned, head-tilted, looking at me like I was an idiot. He said that didn't even make sense. That it wasn't possible. When I said some people believe the universe just came about in a big bang one day, he nodded and said he'd believe that. And that's on him. I'm sure that'll change one day, too. Or maybe not. He's been struggling with concepts like santa clause for years already because he'll look at me and be like, "Mommy it doesn't really make sense that santa can get to all these houses in one night, right?" . He said he wanted to be telekenetic and I told him, I spent the better part of my youth trying to move a pencil with my mind, and he said, "But you couldn't. because that's not real." To my utter dismay, kid doesn't believe in magic, and I hate that, but hey, that's for him to believe. I do love that he questions everything.

But the point is, I'm not trying to withhold religion from him just because I don't believe in it. I'll buy him all the books in the world, and I'll take him to church, and I'll support him in every way. The only thing I will not tolerate is any sort of hatred or discrimination. You want to believe in god and go to church, fantastic. If you want to to start bullying people because you believe being gay is a sin, absolutely not. At the very least, I'm not going to encourage or teach or surround you with that sort of behavior. I'm very liberal. I'm very pro human rights. I support abortions and sex workers and trans people and the entire lgbtq+ community, and I hope, to teach my son the same kind of kindness and acceptance for people.

His father, though, is not quite as liberal as I am. He's grown a lot over the years, and I think a lot of that has to do with me and all the conversations we've had, but one place he draws the line is trans people. Him and his brother were having a conversation about how trans people are mentally ill, and they talked about how people are using the whole bathroom situation as a way for perverts to get into opposite bathrooms, like half the trans community is pretending to be trans to indulge their pedophilia. I can't make this shit up. Something came up where a couple from our homeschool co-op apparently got banned, and no one knows why, but another parent suspected it had something to do with the parent who got banned having a son who was transitioning. All speculation, of course, but this turned into a conversation about exposing kids to trans people, and this man said, and I quote, "I don't want my son exposed to that sort of nonsense until he's 18."

I'm like first of all, you can't control exposure like that even if you wanted to, not really. Second of all, I've already had basic conversations with him about gender (which infuriated him - he could not believe I would so such a thing). And third of all, what the hell are you afraid of happening?? That's when he brought up that people were mentally ill, that he doesn't want his six year old thinking he can just go become a girl if that's what he wants, that there are parents out their chemically castrating their eight year olds. And I am just appalled. Like I'm not explaining hormone replacement therapy and gender reassignment to our six year old. I told him boys can paint their nails if they want after he went to school with painted nails and some girls told him it was only for girls. I told him that sometimes girls feel more comfortable presenting like boys when he asked me about the girl he was playing with having short hair and wearing basketball shorts. When he asked me how you can tell if someone is a boy or a girl, I said you ask, because there really is no way to tell because people can choose to present themselves in whatever way they want.

These are not malicious, manipulative conversations. I don't feel like these are inappropriate for a six year old. Dude's acting like I exposed our child to porn or satanism. And for the record, I've met six year olds who are convinced they can change into a bobcat or a mermaid, so I hardly see the harm in a six year old thinking they can change their gender anyway. Do I think I should allow my six year old to make life-altering decisions about his body, no, of course not. My six year old can't decide if he likes the flavor of eggs from day to day. People are not chemically castrating their eight year olds, who haven't even gone through puberty yet, because they want to transition. In most places, you can't even legally get HRT until you're sixteen with parental consent. People are just supporting their eight year olds when they want to go by different pronouns or change the way they dress or look, and again, I see ZERO harm in that.

I went to school with people who went by different names just because they hated theirs, people who dressed in ways that were absolutely ridiculous, people who crawled on the ground and acted like cats in their spare time, and all of this was fine and dandy because it's disconnected from gender. I don't know. I got pretty heated, and he tried to change the conversation, and he said really he just doesn't think kids should be able to make those decisions till their eighteen, and I think he was mostly trying to appease me, and luckily for me, he doesn't have these conversations with our son because he's either never here or he's just playing video games with him, and there's never anything teachable anyway.

but my god, I really couldn't believe some of the things he said. Trans people are mentally ill? Baby, half the world is mentally ill. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of trans people are mentally ill. You're CIS as can be, and you're mentally ill. I'm mentally ill. I'm not sure I've met anyone yet who wasn't mentally ill. And sure, maybe there are people who experiment with being trans because of mental illness, and they change their mind, I won't pretend like it isn't possible, but how dare you say every single person who is trans is only trans because there's something wrong with them? I know trans people who are a hell of a lot healthier and happier and in a better place than you and me both.

AND THE BATHROOM THING. His brother was like, would you want your daughter in the bathroom, and some trans dude walks by with his dick out, LIKE SIR WHAT KIND OF WOMEN'S RESTROOMS DO YOU FREQUENT. I've never even seen a boob in the women's restrooms. Like we have stalls. A pervert is better off sneaking into the damn pool than a public restroom, like what's he gonna see? And sure, there are perverts who sneak into restrooms, absolutely, but allowing trans people to use their respective restrooms isn't going to change that. Pedophiles sneaking into restrooms existed long before this, and they'll exist long after, and I fail to see how this changes anything.

I just can't comprehend why people care so much. Like you don't want to change your gender, great. You don't want associate with people like that, fine, don't. but just let people do what they want. It literally has zero impact on my life if someone decides to transition, I don't see how I even have a right to have an opinion on it.

OH. AND MR. I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE TO BE 18 TO MAKE A LIFE CHANGING DECISION LIKE THAT, what's your viewpoint on abortion? Because here in Florida we'll claim an eight year old is legally able to carry and birth and raise a whole ass human being BUT GOD FORBID THEY ARE EXPOSED TO A TRANS PERSON before their little brains have developed, what on earth will become of them?

Nonsense. Utterly, ridiculous nonsense.

This was far longer than I meant it to be, but it really frustrated me, and my entire family falls more on the conservative side of the spectrum, so there was really no other place to put this than here. The moral of the story is, don't have kids with people who don't share your beliefs, and leave trans people the fuck alone.