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transgenderledyba · 3 years ago

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Calling all genderfluid and devilgender individiuals!

I want to make a flag for people who are both devilgender and genderfluid, like me (”devilgenderfluid,” as I like to call it). However, I’m not sure if I’m properly equipped to do such a thing. I don’t think I know enough about flag symbolism and what is and is not allowed on a pride flag.

Therefore, I’m asking for your assistance. Under the cut are my ideas for colors and symbols to include. What do you think of them? Are there any meanings that I shouldn’t include? What colors and symbols do you think would work best out of the ones I’ve listed? Any constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I would also like to clarify that these colors and symbols were picked based on my personal experiences with gender and how I came about to realize my identity (for example, the negative meanings, such as “internalized self-loathing” and “loss of faith in humanity,” relate to why I view myself as a demon. The self-loathing has nothing to do with internalized transphobia, just for clarification).

Content warning for eye strain, as well as mentions of nihilism, self-loathing, depression, and fire.

Lavender (RGB 211, 188, 233), to represent change and a breath of fresh air.

Sea foam green (RGB 153, 230, 201), to represent change and the act of reflecting on one’s identity in front of the sea.

The rainbow from the progress pride flag (RGB 0, 0, 0) (RGB 121, 78, 25) (RGB 254, 1, 0) (RGB 254, 140, 1) (RGB 255, 222, 17) (RGB 17, 159, 11) (RGB 6, 68, 179) (RGB 194, 46, 220) for multiple genders.

Dark purple (RGB 78, 48, 88), to represent mystery and a “gothic”/”edgy” aesthetic.

Dark grey (RGB 64, 64, 64), to represent mystery, fog, bitterness toward the world, the disappearance of one’s happiness, self-loathing, and the fear of being true to oneself.

A dark grey gradient over the flag (RGB 64, 64, 64) to represent self-loathing and the fear of being true to oneself.

Black (RGB 0, 0, 0), to represent bitterness toward the world and loss of faith in humanity.

White (RGB 255, 255, 255), to represent euphoria, a clear mind, and the abandonment of stereotypical gender roles.

Dark red (RGB 120, 44, 49), to represent euphoria, recovery of self-love, power, fire, and boldness.

Bright red (RGB 238, 96, 96 or RGB 233, 39, 39) to represent perseverance, the anger that inspired it, power, and the trope, “Hellish Pupils.” (I’m not sure which variant of bright red I want to use)

A spiky speech balloon (RGB 236, 250, 65) (RGB 233, 39, 39), representing perseverance and a shout of triumph over bigots. If I end up using this symbol, it’ll definitely look better and more polished.

Dark teal (RGB 15, 85, 77), to represent the abandonment of stereotypical gender roles. Chosen by inverting a baby pink.

Brown (RGB 112, 53, 5), chosen by inverting a baby blue. Also represents abandoning stereotypical gender roles.

Cartoony flames placed over the stripes (RGB 236, 250, 65) (RGB 233, 39, 39), to represent power and hellfire. Obviously, if I used these in the final version, they’d look much cleaner and more professional than what you see here.

Anyway, those are my ideas for a “devilgenderfluid” flag. Other than the symbols (if I include any), the design is going to be horizontal stripes, like a lot of pride flags.

What do you all think? What colors do you think would work best? Do any of the things that I described here perpetuate negative ideas about people who are devilgender and/or genderfluid? Please let me know using reblogs and replies! Also, if you need any context for some of the symbolism that I gave and how it relates to my experiences and discovering my identity, please send me a DM! I’ll take critiques publicly, but I would prefer keeping discussions of my self-discovery private.

#ask to tag #genderfluid #devilgender #pride flag #pride #drawing #cipher.txt #my posts #text post #my art #art #kids don't look #Spammy don't look #s/dl #Mami don't look #Orb Rob don't look #Sky Rob don't look

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maityzula-for-the-soul · 4 years ago

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feeling angsty as hell so

WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPICS AND SELF HARM

If I miss any triggers, please feel free to let me know and I'll add them. I do look at tags as well 💞

Self Harm and Destructive Behavior Headcanons

Azula

Trigger Overview: Biting, Eating Disorders, Starvation, Binging, Self Abuse, Anxious Tick and Anxiety Attacks

Azula was a perfectionist and held herself to impossible physical standard, and so she refused to scar herself, reserving that 'honor' for battle. Instead, she would leave bite marks and temporary scratches across her arms and legs as negative reinforcement. Whenever she would fail to live up to her standards, she would bite herself as hard as possible- though never enough to bleed. Her bruises were considered reminders of failure, and so would never allow them to be seen by anyone, going so far and to wrap her forearms in bandages if necessary.

Before Ursa disappeared and Ozai began to severely restrict her diet in order to optimize her performance, she would go through severe periods of starvation and binging, often lasting days with periods of normalcy between the extremes. It was a cycle of psycological self-abuse, most often associated with her weight, or using starvation as a punishment.

Azula was taught by Ozai from a young age that trusting others was a foolish thing to do, and thus she developed a great social anxiety. When meeting strangers, she often expects them to speak first, and is made suspicious of personal questions.

When anxious or uncomfortable, she is prone to involuntary tapping, usually in the form of rhythmic finger drumming or bouncing her leg. If unable to achieve those, she resorts to scratching the back of her neck or shoulder. She also tending to tug on her clothes or clench and unclench her fists.

Ty Lee

Trigger Overview: Hair pulling, Nail biting, Objectification, Chewing lips, Drawing blood, Self Abuse

Ty Lee tends to pull out strands of her hair, usually as an anxious tick or self punishment. Its usually only one or two at a time. She also tugs at her hair in general, taking whole handfuls or her braid and pulling at them when overwhelmed.

She bites her nails, though usually stops before getting to skin. It's rare, but they will get rather short after being in high-stress situations.

Ty places herself below most people, though not consciously, and thus takes a lot more verbal abuse than she should. She claims none of it bothers her.

She chews her lips and digs her nails into her palms when they're long enough to, sometimes enough to draw blood. Sometimes she doesn't notice she's bleeding until it's pointed out to her.

Mai

Trigger Overview: Self harm, Knives, Hitting Things, Gender Dysphoria, Blood, Cutting, Repression, Hair Pulling, internalized homophobia and transphobia, Suicidal thoughts, Dark artistic media

When she was younger, Mai did cut herself, though in easily hidden areas like her inner thighs. She no longer suffers from this, but bears the effects of it. Instead, she now uses objects as tools to vent her frustrations. She often uses wooden or cloth dummies, trees, or targets.

Mai is prone to using her hands, finding lashing out physically to be easier than doing so verbally. She has broken her hand at least once after punching a wall. She never hits others out of anger, though holds no qualms with sparring unrestrained to vent.

Transphobia and bi/homophobia tends to come more out of her own head than from others, and she will sometimes force herself to conform to cisheteronormative views with little to no influence from others. She's become far better at accepting her identity into her late teens and early 20s, but still struggles on occasion.

Her repression often comes to a head in severe outbursts, and she fears expressing herself and the negative consequences of it. Her conditioning via emotional abuse follows her endlessly, and she is loathe to speak of herself at all sometimes.

While Ty Lee is known for pulling out strands and tugging anxiously, Mai has cut off most of her hair more than once. More commonly, it acts as a handhold and stim texture for when she gets overwhelmed or has a breakdown. Ending up with a bloodied scalp is common during her episodes.

To counteract her occasional suicidal tendency or breakdown, she tries to avoid physically harming herself in favor of venting on paper, often writing or drawing her internal plights in the form of self-deprecating or self-harm imagery. She is very secretive and protective of these, and takes severe measures to hide them.

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elegant-etienne · 5 years ago

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Catharsis

WARNINGS: Abusive/toxic relationship talk generalized abuse talk, drugging and substance abuse, suicide, self-loathing, externalized and internalized transphobia, complicated feelings and bitterness, sex talk. This ship was Yikes On Bikes.

And a special shout out to @avenai / @stormandozone for the tarot reading mentioned a few times in this (and @likeadistantstar / @celestialalignment who recently posted an amazing piece about responding to tarot readings!), that led me to think about how Etienne wanted to finally make peace with things. I decided they’d write their ex-husband a final letter.

Don't hold your breath, forget you ever saw me at my best You don't deserve what you don't respect Don't deserve what you say you love and then neglect

- Lucy Dacus, Night Shift

"This is Sizha'to. He doesn't talk."

You used to wear that mortarboard hat. Even in the Quicksand, really, it was adorably clueless. And as I quickly found out, you were alright writing notes back and forth. I perched on a stool, leaning over in the crush of bodies and sweat and folks looking to drink, forget, and get laid, not necessarily in that order. You were alright if we spoke slowly. You were just surprised, you said, that someone like me would talk to someone like you. People didn't take the time. We were outsiders in Ul'dah together. I made you little bouts of ice in front of the Ossuary.

It was nice to just talk. I had the reputation back then for being frigid. For telling men loudly I didn't want to fuck them. I didn't want to back then. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. I thought I'd always feel that way because I felt it intensely then. A kind of intense argumentative rebelliousness.

You said you fell in love with me in a few days, the day I chewed out a man who teased you about your stutter. I had forgotten that I even did that until you told me.

I tried not to speak for you, usually. Once or twice you wrote me a note, and I read it to someone else, but more often, I tried to get them to slow down - to let the asking and answer take their own forms. It was better, I thought, to simply not force things to happen before their time. While we were together, I watched you blossom. I watched you run Medica, patch up adventurers. You were the good one, the innocent one, and I was the dirt for you to grow in. That is how I viewed it.

It is not really your fault that is how I viewed it.

But.

Something is wrong. I can't say anything.

When is the first time I had that thought, about you and me?

Far later along in things than it should've been. A full turn after we met? Later? A turn and a half? To be honest, I ignored the worries in the pit of my stomach the sun before we got married. I did anyway. I promised. I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to. I wanted to be the kind of person who would get married, I wanted you to want to be my husband. Even after your dark shadow said he'd kill me. Even after the nights of shouting at each other about necromancy. Even after you did the ritual that left you so addled you no longer remembered me. No, those were all problems I blamed on myself. So I think it was after Henri abducted me. After your heroic rescue.

Back then, I spent a lot of time on that bench in Medica, staring at the medicine cabinet across from it. You were always working late with patients late into the night, and I was always waiting. I'd bring up a tray of tea and fresh-grilled crumpets from the kitchen downstairs and wait. I never looked behind the curtain.

I sat there that day, after we both staggered back hurt, and begged with my mind, Tell them I'm hurt. Tell them I need help.

No one noticed I wasn't speaking.

I thought, Please tell them I'm hurt, and you kept not mentioning me, even though the whole thing was because of me. And everyone was telling you that you were brave and stupid for going to help me. I'd been missing for almost a day. What a good husband. What a frightening experience.

Finally, one of your medic friends approached me and realized I could not speak, my breathing was coming in wheezes. I'd been beaten to the seventh hell. Everything tasted sour and bloody and bitter and nauseating. Everything hurt. And I wondered if I had pushed you forward, in front of me, if I had shaken my head and indicated that I'd be alright. It could've easily been my mistake. But that's the first time I recall thinking things weren't going well.

As my throat was recovering, I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I wanted to speak now that I couldn't. Hardly anyone we worked with knew what my voice sounded like, and therefore most did not notice its absence. I wrote to you, Ask me what happened when I can speak again. You never asked. Mayhap I was never ready to speak.

It's a joke to think there's narrative symmetry here, that there's structure, that there will be a moment of revelatory truth toward the end. That this story has an ending. You tried to force one, but I made a mistake and kept living.

It’s just ironic when I write it all down. This started out without you not talking. I suppose it’s fitting, then, that you didn’t say a thing when you left.

Did you leave because you were disappointed I didn't have the balls to leave you? I threatened you only twice, toward the end. After all, if I even asked to be alone for a little while, you started to cry and beg me not to leave you. You fucking prick. You cheated on me while I was in the long-term care after the suicide attempt. The third one I had because I did not know how else to get a moment away from you, and I kept having thoughts like I cannot get away and this will not change and he will not let me leave him.

How many suns was I in care before you got bored and started fooling around? I was only gone two sennights.

And I don't care if you fucked him or not (You absolutely fucked him. I know you did. But even if you didn't--). You lied about his feelings for you and pretended I was insane for noticing how he stared. You lied about what you were doing. You, in fact, did every single thing I asked you not to do. To me, that is cheating. And I don't care if you fucked him or not. But you absolutely did, I could tell. I scared the shit out of him when I came looking for you.

You once told me that you would be disgusted if I ever had breasts. That you hated them, feared them really. What a thing for a medic to say. Perhaps, you said, you would have come to think of me as an older sister and cared for me that way, but you would not have ever loved me. I thanked you for your honesty and thanked my body for its shape. When I fucked you on the couch I thought I should be grateful. I should be grateful anyone at all would want this body. I should be grateful the makeup never bothered you. I should be grateful you did your best to switch pronouns. Some would find filing for divorce easier than changing pronouns.

While we're being honest, darling, I was broken before I met you. It's possible I was born broken. I told you everything, and you held it, and I thought there would never be anyone else who would try. I trusted you because you listened, long before I knew what you were really like. That was my fault.

I had a glamour prism I wore sometimes to the market. It made me look feminine. I showed you once, and started crying, and put it away. You asked if it was because I felt like I couldn't have that. You asked if it was because I was sad when the illusion was done. I wondered if you remembered what you said before. I said it felt wrong. I said I wanted a child one day, too, and I hate I could not give you one, though you had not asked for one. We were always going to adopt. We call this future faking. Sometimes I forget that you were the first person I told all that because it hurt too much to consider in the days you left. Because I knew what you truly felt. You'd told me. And staying would've been a compromise.

You promised you would try and understand, try and find a way for us to have that child. You dealt with my tears with promises, usually, or drugs. You could've just told me no. I suppose you did, eventually.

I'm not saying you forced me back into the closet. I was too afraid that others would reject me, it's true. But. Well.

I've changed so much since you left me. I will probably adopt children one day. I don't need anyone's help with that.

If you wanted to leave, you should've just said. I could've taken it. I would have understood if you couldn't love me anymore. If you made the distinction that it was because you no longer desired me, I would not have grown to believe it was because I was an inconvenience. Perhaps this is quibbling. Most folks do not receive itemized lists on why their relationships fell apart.

I don't really remember the morning you left. Even growing up during the war, I'd never felt someone disappear so completely. Not without saying goodbye. Not without a prayer or a personal effect to hold onto. I couldn't stay in the apartment. It was the skeletal belly of our marriage: white, bleached, echoing. Though I was no longer being digested, my skin still burned.

Did we kiss each other goodnight the last time I saw you? I don't recall. Probably. I digress.

Back when you brought me to that boy of yours, the one I already knew about, I started seeing double. Your dark shadow, the poor vulnerable thing you pretend to be when you want men to love you, and my husband, spineless, but mine, damn it. Mine and worth fighting for. Your dark shadow huddled against him. You sat next to me too. The light was dancing through leaves, everything green and sweet-smelling and indistinct. We sat on the stone benches in the view of the waterfall and the blooming flowers. That was the idyllic scene in which you told me the truth of it all. I think all three of you expected me to be shocked and to cry. I was shocked by how calm and unsurprised I was. I told you how little I thought of you. I told you just what a violation it was, from the beginning, how much it had taken for me to trust you. How you lied to my face about the nature of the relationship when I suspected, both you and your shadow and your boy. I told you both in no uncertain terms who I was, the person you all betrayed. I suppose I ended it when I said if you ever put me in such a position again I would leave. I suppose, from a certain perspective, you were the one who had to gather up the strength to go.

I suppose I was unreasonable. We had not discussed the terms of our marriage. I had assumed you would not lie to my face. I had assumed you would not run off with some little boy while I was in care. I had assumed after I nursed you through your agonies that you could care for me similarly. I say you abandoned me in the night without warning. That is wrong. You abandoned long before that. Some part of me had accepted it by the time you brought me to those stone benches. Most do folks do not leave your life all at once. They leave little by little like the color leaves bones bleaching in the sun.

I write this as if it is entirely your fault you felt you had to split yourself between him and me. It is not. I can say now with confidence I would have been fine if you left me for him. I might have even let you keep seeing him while we were married if you hadn't lied. I can that now with confidence because I was fine. But. I know you were worried. If only had been a bit more calm and stable when you twisted me up in a web I couldn't seem to escape. If only I hadn't thought I needed you so much. If I only I were as beautiful and immutable as a sword. Then I would've been able to let you feel the freedom to leave. Then I would have been sharp and strong, and I could have cut our cords with a light, clean snap.

You hurt me, alright.

You hurt me and it's so godsdamn humiliating. Does anyone meet someone with my height and my broad shoulders and my cleverness and level-headedness and experience and think that some spineless, stammering healer could reduce me thus? How dare you. How dare you embarrass me like that. I made excuses about you to my friends. You made me look like a fool.

Who could I tell about it? Who would have believed me? The wedding that dozens of our coworkers attended? You never hit me. And the way you cowered when I shouted at you. I was a monster every time I was angry. I had a beast inside me that I fed drinks. When we were together, I lost the capability to win arguments or be right about anything, but I foolishly kept trying.

You hurt me and recently the stars or the cards or a girl said I need to admit that it hurt. I have wanted to be above it for so long. When I look behind me to the road I paved with the mistakes I made getting away from you, I don't like to acknowledge that you had anything to do with it. I am too proud to be hurt. I was hurt for a little while and I got over it when I realized I was better off. That is how I tell the story. I was relieved you left. That was the truth. I put myself back together. I went to parties. I cried a little. I recovered. That is how I tell it.

Grief is not static, grief is not a river that you jump over. I am still here with this grief. But you were not the 'before,' and now is not the 'after.' I should have admitted a long time ago that I never really got over being abandoned like that. Not because it was going well when you did it. Not because I had no idea what was wrong.

Your leaving added insult to injury.

I should have left, but you left. I deserved one victory, but you left.

It's so embarrassing. I would have let you kill me.

Maybe the stars or the cards or a girl meant that you were hurt, you needed to admit that hurt. I'm sorry. I think I wanted you to be someone you weren't. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. I have examined every angle and I am not sure what I could have done differently aside from throwing you out. Imagining I knew your feelings and told you to be honest with yourself about them. What else can I apologize for?

I'm sorry I tried so hard to make it work.

I'm sorry I was your first.

I'm sorry I'm a drunkard.

I'm sorry I struggled to remain well.

I'm sorry I wasn't the man you thought you married.

I'm sorry for pressuring you with my expectations of marriage.

I'm sorry for trying to keep you on the path I saw as good.

I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't leave, so you had to sneak around. And then away.

I'm just really sorry it ended like this. I wish I could have said goodbye, but I might've just told you to fuck off and die, so, perhaps your instinct was correct.

I know folks who can do exorcisms, but you can't exorcise the memory of a person. That is the problem. You can't drink them away, either. Little pieces of you will always be embedded in me, shards of glass. Your nickname for me. The way you'd yawn and stretch in our bed. The jobs I joined and left for you. The jolt of the seal on the door when I touched it the time you locked me in. The steady quality of your voice as you adjusted the dose and promised it wasn't habit-forming. The way your voice sounded the first time you threatened me. The color of your eyes. The way you'd smile and call my name. Your vows.

(What color tuxedo did you wear to our wedding? I wore pink. I don't remember. Red? That sounds right.)

(Actually, what color are your eyes?)

Did you even love me? Do you even know how to love? Or do you just like folks to push, folks to test things out on, folks to bleed into inkwells and then write spells with? Did you even like the food I cooked you? Did a fresh fried fish taste as good as forbidden aether?

I could be falling again. I am afraid to say I am falling again. I'll tell you that because you were my first love (You weren't. You were my first love since I was free.). I'll tell you that because I hate the thought of you believing I never moved on. I hate the idea of you getting off to the fact that you broke me, broke my heart, was never anything more than what I was when you pinned my arms over my head or talked me off a ledge (Which of those things did I ask you to do for me? Which was for my own good?). I think I am terrified of you coming back and saying, very sincerely, with a very sad face, that you are sorry. I am equally terrified that you never, ever will. I am terrified you are dead, and I am still angry, and I want us to remain connected by the intimacy of how thoroughly we ruined each other's lives. Except you aren't here, so it's just me. I'm ruined. If you told me to live my life and be happy because I deserved more than you, I think I'd slap you across the face. Nothing in life is about what you deserve, there is only what is and what isn't. And you weren't. I wasn't.

If we were to look at it that way, my darling, my sweetest one, my one and only, my beloved, my dearest, my dear heart, I think we deserved one another just fine. I wanted to be punished, and you gave me just that.

I know I'm supposed to say it's all your fault. Victims can't change their abusers. But victims are allowed to feel a lot of things. And what's hurt the most over all these years is my impotent frustration at not getting the ending I wanted. I didn't get to stand with my hands on my hips, triumphant to have defeated you. I didn't get to hear you sincerely regretted any of it, or that you didn't mean it, or that you were wrong. My friends have told me the best revenge is living well, and damn have I ever lived well. But I don't feel better about it. I don't know if it's something I'll ever feel good about.

We were both so stupid. Oh. Darling.

I asked the stars or the cards or a girl about you, and she said you had the potential to be happy, or maybe she meant I do, because you were not present. You are living some other life now, and you probably haven't thought of me in a very long time. She said I was an amazing person and I deserved for someone to treat me as the priority I am. I said I am trying, and I hope it happens.

You hurt me. You hurt me. You hurt me. You hurt me.

You didn't respect me. You didn't deserve me. But I was still willing. I was still so willing.

That will always hurt, but it's a hangnail, not an open wound. I'll let someone else rip me open again. I know I will. I want to. I'll keep trying until someone pours my inside into a jar that I like the shape of. I look at him now and I think, oh, he could ruin my life, but I won't let him. Oh, I hope I don't ruin his life.

I hope I ruined your life.

I need to get out from under the shadow cast by your loss. The job I took out of guilt, the life I live to try and somehow alter all the ways I've been broken, as if somehow if I bled nothing but light and sunshine and fucking grace and sweetness everywhere it would cancel it all out. Not just you. Not just Henri. All of it. The being-born-in-a-body-I-hate thing. The-raised-away-from-my-own-people thing. The alcoholism. The grooming. The institutionalized abuse. The coercive abuse. The Church. The suicide attempts. I thought I could cancel it all out if I was just a good enough person. I'd be satisfied if I somehow approached some enlightened state of self where I never felt guilty about anything. How arrogant of me.

How arrogant to assume the abuse only happened because I was secretly good because if I was secretly bad, I deserved it. No. I know I fucked up.

I was arrogant to think I could ever change you. All we can ever really do is love one another, and sometimes we do it entirely wrong. We could have been amazing, but we weren't. And that's all I really have to say. It’s true that you hurt me. It’s true that it still hurts. But... I hope you are well. Not sarcastically. I hope you are doing as well as I am. I hope you are not hurting anyone else, but there’s nothing I can do if you found someone new to abuse. I could do no more than I did.

I’m ready to be done. It isn’t a river I jumped over, but the water only barely covers my feet now. A little more time, and perhaps I will do the unthinkable and simply step out.

Your loss, love.

Goodbye.

#writing #retired ship name here #ic #i mean idk some of this is a repetition of other things i've written but i needed to write something new and get things out of my system #i've been feeling so depressed and stagnant

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natural-logg · 5 years ago

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warning: personal self-vent fun stuff comin right up

I keep having all these conflicting feelings about gender, sexuality, labels vs no labels, etc. and despite seeing all this stuff that tells me I’m valid and despite knowing that if someone came to me with fears about their worth I’d clap both hands on either side of their head, stare into their eyes, and vehemently assure them that they are enough, despite all of this I’m left feeling like without experiencing some kind of oppression or dysphoria or Horrible Experience I’m not good enough to take any label for myself, and that sucks

it’s entirely self-imposed, but all I feel is doubt and shame for even considering some of it, like I don’t want to come to any conclusions about my sexuality because I feel like I’m not experienced enough to know what I like or that in some way my lack of attraction to how a person looks or behaves isn’t synonymous with their gender, so I can’t place everyone in one box

but I also have a huge legitimacy issue for even asking myself whether or not I am my assigned gender at birth, because even with self-loathing and body image issues, I feel like rejecting being female because of gender nonconforming traits is somehow doing a disservice to women who reject traditional gender roles and are still equally feminine? but only in my case and never with other people??

and that’s the thing, I don’t know where these convictions about myself came from, if I’m internalizing some kind of homophobia or transphobia or misogyny or something, but I never feel this way about other people, only me

I saw the wiki for ‘genderflux’ the other day and a person in the comments wrote this painfully eloquent piece about their experience and questioning, and it was like someone had cut a slice of me out and pasted it on the screen with glue

I think that might be me? but then I get so scared that I’m just id’ing with it for attention or something else... idk I know this is a common thing and all but for some reason it feels like I’m Not Allowed even though it’s me Not Allowing myself

#questioning #who needs labels #me maybe #or maybe not #gender is hard #vent #oh gender wizard give me the answers to everything please

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helensalinus · 6 years ago

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Sometimes I want to forget about being trans.

I fooled myself for 15 years into thinking I was cis. Surely I could fool myself again? Live out my days as a cis straight man instead of as a trans lesbian woman. Why do I want to be a woman anyway? What good does it do me to shed the cis privilege and the male privilege?

I hate myself for writing that paragraph. I hate myself for being born male. I hate myself for feeling and looking the way I do.

And I don’t know how to shed this self loathing, so I can love myself instead.

This is probably all internalized transphobia. I don’t know what to do about that.

That’s not true. I know exactly what to do. Internalized transphobia is fear of the unknown that will come of transition. What I need to do is soothe that fear.

#cw internalized transphobia #trans #transgender #transitioning #questioning #rambling

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volpeanice · 3 years ago

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I was thinking about what went on princess cookie's mind as he told jake to stop and proceeded to jump off a cliff... Before anyone points it out, I know I'm projecting my own suicidal tendencies, internalized transphobia, self loathing and overconsidering my experiences on it. I'm aware. This made me think and now it's serving as an outlet for some things I've been feeling lately...

-vent warning-

As I'm admittedly being hella projective here, I'll use she/her pronouns.

She was running to her dreams or at least the thought of it... Start anew like Jake said, be a princess and build her own kingdom, but something just... Clicked inside her head...

"if its so wrong to be the way I know I'd feel happy, so wrong I must suffer for the rest of my life, if I really can't make myself understood because the fear of persecution and pain will always be at bay bc of people who didn't even try to see me as a person, with hopes, interests, needs, connections, knowledge and perspectives I'd be willing to share, then I don't think it's worth it at all. For a moment there I truly felt hopeful, I felt i was taking the necessary steps to start getting closer to what I know was right for me... But it was also a distortion, and maybe the closest I can get to my truth won't ever feel right. I second guess myself more than anyone, but for that moment I truly felt like a princess... And that was the rightful place I was running towards... If that's the closest I'll ever get to it, so be it, it's enough for me.

Goodbye"

#princess cookie #ventcore #self projecting #extremely personal #Please don't interact with this post tyvm #Still wondering if I should just post this on private #it's 6am

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simptasia · 7 years ago

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yall got any,,,, Lost character headcanons

my jaw has dropped because that is the broadest question that can be asked of me. like, anon, whoever you are, i love you but for the record im like:

why yes anon i do have lost character headcanons! oh boy! oh golly do i!

jack:

bi and autistic (thinks he’s straight and neurotypical, the sad bastard. his dad has tried to smoosh him into roles he’s not meant to be. jack gleans that there’s something “wrong” with him but doesn’t understand what’s doing on which just causes more stress and self-loathing)

actually its amazing how much of jack these two things explain because… yeah… that about sums it up

kate:

bi and she’s known it a while (and her and cassidy were literally dating)

it’s implied several times but isn’t made obvious so i guess it’s a headcanon that kate was sexually abused by her bad dad

pregnant with jack’s kid after they banged pre-ajira flight

her and claire are gonna raise kids together and get married

bipolar disorder

can’t fucking cook

has a fear of domesticity due to her upbringing and the fear that she’ll end up like her mom (and this is a big part of her issues with relationships in general. that and she feels she doesn’t deserve to be happy)

it’s canon that she projected her Bad Dad onto sawyer, so logically… naturally… i can assume she projected her Good Dad onto jack. sad

charlie:

bi and a trans man (known he’s a boy since he was 5. his family were very accepting of this. it’s other people in life that were not. like at school)

histrionic personality disorder

it would require several pages of meta/headcanons for me to explain how fucked up charlie is so just trust me on this. quick summary: internalized biphobia, transphobia, slut shaming, catholic guilt, self-harm and a need for attention so desperate it could cause physical pain. this is just the cake, over it is an icing of pride and faux-confidence to cover it all up

well that’s uncomfortable, anyways: fave colour is red, has a sweet tooth and his fave treat is banoffee pie (such a manc)

claire:

bi, didn’t know it until kate

autistic (yeah this legit started because “i think jack is” and thinking about it, the irony of christian shephard spawning autistic kids amuses me)

claire is into astrology so i apply that kinda lifestyle to her in general. like tarot cards… palm reading… yoga… herbal teas. that sorta thing

hurley:

his neurodivergence is canon but never stated, so based upon his symptoms (paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, etc) i feel he has a fictionalized version of schizophrenia. i also think he has depression

i also think he has some kinda learning issue, because he’s consistently shown to have issues spelling things (words involving “y”s trouble him)

i hc him straight but funny story, it was actually an accident: i was thinking about these things and was like “well, to me, it really does feels like hurley just likes girls in that way… whats the word for that?” and i legit paused for several seconds until i realised the word for that is straight. like, i literally forgot straight people existed. so, yeah, just wanted to clear that up

desmond:

he genuinely doesn’t know he’s hot (and that’s terrible) due to ugly duckling syndrome. he was very greasy and oily as a teen. bad hair, bad skin. but over time he got hotter and des just feels the same

bi (discovered things about himself in the army)

bipolar disorder

i got him as a theatre nerd during school all cuz of a throwaday line

his dad abandoned him and his three younger brothers. their mum was already dead at this point

grew up knowing spanish too cuz of his mum. oh and des is the same race as his actor and that’s final (half white, half peruvian)

he wanted to be a doctor to earn a better living for his little bros, but gosh help him, with all he had to juggle, he just didn’t have the grades

daniel:

besides his brain damage issues, also autistic and has anxiety. also synesthesia (of the sounds as colours and colours as sounds variety)

canon dan killed many rats for experiments, MY dan loves rats and has hundreds of them as pets (named after classical musicians) thank you lost for limbo verse, where all my dreams can come true

bi demi (des was his bi awakening)

this is canon, but really fucking loves driveshaft. this boy can say some shit about their music that’d make most people go It’s Not That Deep but fuck the haters, dan has a lot of passion and love in his heart. including for punk-classical experiment fusion, apparently… what a blessing

he’s so touch/affection starved, please help him

also i’ve pretty much given him triciophilia

vegetarian due to texture issues and inability to digest meat

he doesn’t know how to drive

charlotte:

autistic (random i know, i promise this makes sense to me)

bi and in limbo in a polyam relationship with dan n miles

limbo char has a hairless cat named jean luc

speaking of which, huge sci-fi nerd, espech star trek

in my heart i consider all lost ladies to be feminists in one way or another, but char is the most likely to go off about it (aka she’s Outspoken)

think of a language, char can read n speak it. okay this is Kinda canon, but char isn’t a very well explored character so here i am, super exaggerating little canon things. implied to be kinky? now hella kinky. couple mentions of chocolate? she ADORES chocolate now. yep

miles:

depression

aro bi

canon gave me “he’s sad so he’s shitty to people” so i really, really ran with that. because that is a character type that really interests me

it’s so hard for me to talk about miles headcanons without going into paragraphs of emotional analysis meta but im gonna try and keep this short: always had issues connecting with people, victim of ableism, has never had a romantic relationship (and he’s put himself into a ‘’fuck love/romance, it’s bullshit’’ mentality), didn’t finish high school, did porn once, hates his powers but can get some money outta it

post-finale eventually he and richard will be a thing. it’s not easy, but they get there. marriage and two kids. claire’s their surrogate

loves ghostbusters

also thinking about it, i’ve made miles the kinkiest. hardcore masochist (and i did this before i noticed miles jokingly going “this is hot” to kate choking him so like, go figure)

i see a punk boy with 15 face piercings, i think… he didn’t stop there

also i have him have tattoos too but i dunno what

i value friendships i imagine miles having with the women of lost. like naomi and char on the boat and in limbo. juliet during dharma times. kate and claire post-finale. like in my mind these are great and interesting friendships/dynamics and i love them but they got no coverage in canon. like, imagine any of these things. it’s so good??? so good

richard:

he and isabella were trying to have kids for years but she miscarried several times, so that’s why they didn’t have kids

he was 40 when his aging stopped. i chose this age so i could have a nice easy number to do maths with, since richard was ageless for 140 years, making him 180 by the finale. feels comfy. (also nessie was 39-42 when he played richard so this choice isn’t like, insulting)

yes he is 150 years older than miles and he feels very guilty about that

bi demi

the actual biological dad to daniel faraday. richard was detached and celibate for a hella long time until 1962 wherein he and eloise started to have an affair (because of love, richard is a good boy) which promptly ended when their son literally died right in front of their eyes

also they buried him

loves roller coasters and gardening

he doesn’t live in the Real World but he isn’t clueless about how things are changed. richard’s basically just an old guy. he’s evolved as people have evolved. eg. no, he wouldn’t be carrying any leftover sexism, racism or homophobia from the 1800s. that’s not how that works. he used to have these prejudices but he got better as society got better

in general it’s a helluva thing that richard bore witness to humanity changing so rapidly. like, 1867 to 2007? HOLY SHIT thats huge! both the technological and social aspects would’ve been enormous. so logically richard would have to be very adaptive to cope with this (it helps that he seems inclined to do whatever he’s told, even to the point of irrationality)

over time, see so many people die, he decided to emotional distance himself from the rest of the others

im missing, like, a lot of people. and like, theres more. of course there’s more. i write lost fic in my head all the time, i just never get it down. but uh anyways i lost interest in writing this clump of lists a while ago. so here ya go

also

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+headcanons

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+text+posts

and also my search function. have fun

#Anonymous #have i got any lost headcanons... theres like 4 billion people in lost!!#how am i supposed to focus #anon im not dissing you #my brain just went !!!!!!! thats all #lost headcanons #so i'm gonna do a run down of hcs i can think of right now #but you guys... i think about lost all the time #and its a lot #i prefer specific questions #specific things to list or talk about #cuz take one of these things #and it branches off into a Big Thing #anybody who talks to me about lost on private chat knows what im talking about #also i've been writing this for hours #im done with it #y'all know i can do more: look how short that daniel list is #tho to be fair... this is a lot #just... less broad questions please #like about specific characters and ships and concepts #like if theres a character or ship you wanna hear my thoughts on. go ahead and ask. giving me an ''got any headcanons?'' doesn't free me up #like - that gif is real as heck #but thank you anyways #i certainly don't feel like shit anymore #i mean that - im just making myself clear #this includes some stuff i wanted to make some posts about so thats nice #(like why i made hurley straight. and the thing about miles and the ladies)

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thewoesofyaoi · 7 years ago

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How does EVERY cis/striaght person benefits from trans/homophobia?

They benefit from trans/homophobia in a multitude of ways. Lets see, cishet people can benefit economically, socially/politically, and even spiritually. Just not being the intended target of homophobia or transphobia is a benefit itself.

Economically: One of the many benefits that come with being cisgender + heterosexual and/or heteromantic is the security you (general you) feel knowing that you’ll never be discriminated against in the workforce for your gender/sexuality. A homophobic/transphobic employer will always favor cishet people before gay/trans people.

It’s not enough that cishet people discriminate against us in the workforce, many cishets also use us, our bodies, and our identities for their own monetary gain too. Corporations see us as an untapped market that is now available for them to exploit and make millions off of by intervening in our pride parades and festivals, selling their rainbow covered crap (but this “support” only lasts for about a month lol). Many lgbt people are hyper aware of the fact that if and when homo/transphobia become a popular sentiment again, which is very likely seeing the rise in fascism worldwide in recent years, these corporations would drop us and resume business with cishet majorities. Their allyship is only good so long as the money is good and that’s just facts.

Cishets fetishize and commodify gay/trans people in the media, in pornography, and even in real life. The lesbian porn industry (the largest and most deeply rooted form of gay fetishization), yaoi/shounen ai/BL, YA nonfiction, etc. are all outlets with which cishet people try to commodify our bodies and identities for their own personal enjoyment and monetary gain. Cishet people don’t just stop at obsessing over gay sex, they also love stories about our internalized hatred and self loathing (that by the way is a byproduct of this homo/transphobic society that they created lol). Our pain and suffering is either a joke to them or their fucking fetish. And all of these things often times earn cishets money and sometimes even popularity, which is a benefit that us fucking gays sure don’t get :/ .

Socially/politically: Being a cishet also has social and political benefits. For one, it is not illegal to be cishet in any place on this planet, nor was it ever illegal to be cishet in the past. Lgbt people never had that luxury lol. Cishets have the benefit of not having to worry about being representative of all people like themselves. What i mean by this is that an individual cishet doesn’t have to worry about ruining the image and social standing of all other cishets because of a mistake. One gay/trans person slips up and does something problematic or stereotypical and then suddenly the rest of us no longer deserve rights and safety lol. Cishets also have the benefit of not being apart of a group of people who have been oppressed for 3000+ years (the ancient Assyrians being some of the first people to punish people for “homosexual sex” more than 3000 years ago).

Let’s look at this with a political lens now. Cishet politicians often benefit from appealing to the masses fears and bigotries. Here in america republicans spread fear and ignorance about the evil lgbts who are trying to ruin marriage and invade bathrooms, while democrats use our emotional labor and resources for their campaigns which are at best token support for our community. This is funny when you realize that most democrats didn’t actually begin supporting lgbt rights until the mid 2000s (*cough* The Clintons *cough* DOMA *cough*). The american government didn’t even decriminalize gay sex until 2003, when the supreme court struck down the “anti-sodomy” laws. Just imagine how children as young as 14/15/16 were alive when homosexuality was finally legalized across this awful country. And this country is touted as a bastion of equal rights and freedom lol so fake. Just recently my home state of Texas decided that same gender couples can marry, but we don’t get all of the rights and benefits that come with marriage like heterosexual people do. Basically marriage only in name. Cishets have the benefit of always having their marriage rights available and unchallenged (interracial marriage being an exception, interracial marriage for cishet couples was legalized 50 years ago in america, however that is not the focus of this long ass post).

Spiritually: Finally, cishets benefit from homo/transphobia spiritually (aka through religion). Cishets have the benefit of most world religions supporting their rights, their marriages, and their humanity. Cishets have the benefit of knowing that their identity won’t come in conflict with their beliefs. Cishet Christians, more specifically, have the benefit of knowing that their identity isn’t a sin. It’s bullshit like this that drove me and many others away from the church/religion. I couldn’t reconcile my faith with my attraction towards men therefore i chose to leave because me and people like me don’t deserve to be mentally and emotionally tortured by cishets who twist their religion to fit their bigotry. They use their religion to strip lgbt people of our humanity and try to paint us as aberrations in an attempt to spread their agenda (which benefits all cishets).

Well anon i hope this answers your question.

TL;DR: All cishets benefit from homo/transphobia in multiple ways. Benefiting from these oppression’s doesn’t mean you blatantly hate lgbt people. Regardless whether you hate gay/trans people or not, benefiting from homo/transphobia is just apart of straight privilege that all cishets have by default.

- mod L

#mod l #homophobia #transphobia #cishet #straight people #fetishization #h slur cw

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lgbtq-families · 5 years ago

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LGBT Terms & Definitions

Ally: person who confronts heterosexism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, heterosexual privilege, and so on, in themselves and others out of self-interest and a concern for the well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and other queer-related people, and who believes that heterosexism is a social injustice

Bicurious: curiosity about having sexual relations with a same gender/sex person

Bisexual: person whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same and other genders, or towards people regardless of their gender

Cisgender: gender identity that society considers to “match” the biological sex assigned at birth. The prefix cis- means “on this side of” or “not across from.” A term used to call attention to the privilege of people who are not transgendered

Coming Out: describes voluntarily making public one’s sexual behaviors, or sexual or gender identity. Related terms include: “being out,” which means not concealing one’s sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity, and “outing,” a term used for making public the sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity of another who would prefer to keep this information secret

Closeted: refers to a homosexual, bisexual, transperson or intersex person who will not or cannot disclose their sex, sexuality, sexual orientation or gender identity to their friends, family, co-workers, or society. An intersex person may be closeted due to ignorance about their status since standard medical practice is to “correct,” whenever possible, intersex conditions early in childhood and to hide the medical history from the patient. There are varying degrees of being “in the closet”; for example, a person can be out in their social life, but in the closet at work, or with their family. Also known as ‘Downlow” or ‘D/L’

Dyke: derogatory term referring to a masculine lesbian. Sometimes adopted affirmatively by lesbians (not necessarily masculine ones) to refer to themselves

Fag: derogatory term referring to someone perceived as non-heteronormative

Family: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. Also any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family: single-parent family, spouse and children, group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head: Household, group of persons of common ancestry.

Gay: a person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender; a commonly used word for male homosexuals

Gender: a social construct used to classify a person as a man, woman, or some other identity. Fundamentally different from the sex one is assigned at birth

Gender Binary: the idea that there are only two genders – male/female or man/woman and that a person must be strictly gendered as either/or. (See also ‘Identity Sphere.’)

Gender Expression/ Presentation: how one expresses oneself, in terms of dress and/or behaviors that society characterizes as “masculine” or “feminine.” May also be androgynous or something else altogether. Some people differentiate between the two terms

Gender Role: the role or behavior learned by a person as appropriate to their gender, determined by the prevailing cultural norms. Behaviors, values, and attitudes that a society considers appropriate for both male and female.

Genderfluid: being fluid in motion between two or more genders; shifting naturally in gender identity and/or gender expression/presentation. May be a gender identity itself. Refers to the fluidity of identity

Gender Identity: a person’s internal sense or self-conceptualization of their own gender. Used to call attention to the self-identification inherent in gender. Cisgender, transgender, man, woman, genderqueer, etc. are all gender identities

Hate Crime: hate crime legislation often defines a hate crime as a crime motivated by the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, ethnicity, gender, disability, or sexual orientation of any person

Heteronormativity: assumption, in individuals or in institutions, that everyone is heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is superior to homosexuality and bisexuality

Heterosexuality: sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the “opposite” gender

Heterosexual Privilege: benefits derived automatically by being heterosexual that are denied to homosexuals and bisexuals. Also, the benefits homosexuals and bisexuals receive as a result of claiming heterosexual identity or denying homosexual or bisexual identity

Homophobia: irrational hatred and fear of homosexuals or homosexuality. In a broader sense, any disapproval of homosexuality at all, regardless of motive. Homophobia includes prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence brought on by fear and hatred. It occurs on personal, institutional, and societal levels, and is closely linked with transphobia, biphobia, and others

Homosexuality: sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. This term originated within the psychiatric community to label people with a mental illness, and still appears within the current discourse, but is generally thought to be outdated

Hypermasculinity: sociological term denoting exaggerated forms of masculinity, virility, and physicality. Scholars have suggested that there are three distinct characteristics associated with the hypermasculine personality: (1) the view of violence as manly, (2) the perception of danger as exciting and sensational, and (3) callous behavior toward women and a regard toward emotional displays as feminine. The quality or exhibition of exaggerated masculine behavior or traits, especially strength and those of a violent, dominant, or sexual nature.

Internalized Homophobia: fear and self-hate of one’s own homosexuality or non-monosexuality that occurs for many individuals who have learned negative ideas about homosexuality throughout childhood. One form of internalized oppression is the acceptance of the myths and stereotypes applied to the oppressed group

Intersectionality: the interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage

Lesbian: a woman whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender

LGBT: abbreviation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender. An umbrella term that is used to refer to the community as a whole. There are other variations of this which mix up the letters (GLBT) or are more inclusive such as adding ‘queer’, ‘intersex’ or ‘asexual/ally’ in LGBTQIAA

Pansexual/ Omnisexual: terms used to describe people who have romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for people of all genders and sexes. Used by many in place of “bisexual,” which implies that only two sexes or genders exist

Polyamorous: the desire or need to have multiple relationships or multiple people in a relationship

Second-Parent Adoption/ Co-parent Adoption/ Stepchild Adoption: legal procedure that allows a same-sex parent, regardless of whether they have a legally recognized relationship to the other parent, to adopt her or his partner's biological or adoptive child without terminating the first parent’s legal status as a parent.

Sex: categorization based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. Refers to the biological characteristics chosen to assign humans as male, female, or intersex.

Sexuality: components of a person that include their biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual practices, etc.

Sexual Orientation: an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, and/or affectional attraction. Terms include homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, non-monosexual, queer, and asexual, and may apply to varying degrees. Sexual orientation is fluid, and people use a variety of labels to describe their own. Sometimes sexual preference is used but can be problematic as it implies choice.

Stigma: a strong lack of respect for a person or a group of people or a bad opinion of them because they have done something society does not approve of. A mark of shame or discredit. Mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation. A strong feeling in society that being in a particular situation is something to be ashamed of.

Straight: a person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the “opposite” gender

Transgender: used most often as an umbrella term, and frequently abbreviated to “trans” or “trans*” (the asterisk indicates the option to fill in the appropriate label, ie. Transman). It describes a wide range of identities and experiences of people whose gender identity and/or expression differs from conventional expectations based on their assigned biological birth sex. Some commonly held definitions: (1) Someone whose behavior or expression does not “match” their assigned sex according to society. (2) A gender outside of the man/woman binary. (3) Having no gender or multiple genders. (4) Some definitions also include people who perform gender or play with it. (5) Historically, the term was coined to designate a transperson who was not undergoing medical transition (surgery or hormones).

Transphobia: a reaction of fear, loathing, and discriminatory treatment of people whose identity or gender presentation (or perceived gender or gender identity) does not “match,” in the societally accepted way, the sex they were assigned at birth. Transgendered people, intersex people, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and other non-monosexuals are typically the target of transphobia

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yourekillingmockingbirds-blog · 7 years ago

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A “Harshly-Worded” Love Letter to the Transmasculine Community

Okay, guys, look. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but it’s hard to say too. In fact, I’ve had it on my mind for a long time but I’ve always been too afraid to say it. That in itself is part of the problem; I shouldn’t be afraid of this, because this community needs to be open to criticism. Well, anyway, I’m not afraid of backlash anymore, this needs to be said.

We need to cut the crap, immediately. This hyper-masculine, self-loathing, ableist bullshit we’ve entrenched ourselves in needs to stop. Warning: This post is going to be very long and quite emotional. I know some people are going to dismiss everything I say because of the tremor in my voice, but you shouldn’t, because I have a point. Additional Warning: in this post will be probably some mentions of self-harm, disordered eating, weight loss, and dysphoria. Nothing graphic or specific, but if mentions of these are triggering for you please be wary. I’ll sum up the main points of my post at the end if you can’t read through the whole thing.

Okay, we good? Alright. I’m going to start off with a story. Please bear with me.

So, a certain amount of time ago, I realized that I was not a cis girl like I’d thought. Turned out I was a trans guy the whole time, surprise. This realization was met with panic and fear, because I thought it meant I couldn’t have a happy life as a trans person. Obviously that’s not true, but it’s how I felt at the time. But I realized at the time that this was probably internalized transphobia talking, and thought that maybe if I gave myself a chance to adjust to the idea and feel welcomed by the community I would feel better. Honestly, this should have been true. It follows naturally that finding more of your own would make you feel better about yourself! But this is not what happened.

What I found instead was a lot of blogs giving me “advice” about passing and coping with dysphoria. This isn’t what I was looking for, but I was dysphoric and I did really want to pass at the time. I was deeply closeted and frankly terrified, but also in constant pain and considerable distress from dysphoria. I was young and weak and vulnerable and I took everything they said to heart: stop smiling in public, act angry or dismissive in order to appear masculine, talk through your chest or not at all, don’t let your hips sway, bind always, and best of all, diet and exercise to lose weight and gain definition in your shoulders.

Sounds innocuous? Maybe it is, if you’re abled and thin to begin with. But for a disabled chubby teen (me), physically incapable of binding with conventional binders and also unable to workout, this advice is extremely harmful. (So are all passing guides, but that is for another post at another time.)

You guys really need to get your heads out of your fucking asses if you want to actually help people. “Passing tips” are nothing but cissexism incarnate, and if you expect any trans person to lose weight or risk harming their bodies in any way in order to cater to your standards you’re no better than mainstream media giving people eating disorders. The result of eating disorders is even the same! Because that’s what expectations of weight loss encourage, eating disorders. Not a better self-image! Not “passing”, not feeling comfortable in your own skin, not an elevated level of physical or mental health! Eating disorders.

This community is also really unfriendly to disabled people, by the way. This toxic masculinity workout culture thing we have going on is, first of all, ridiculous, but also makes us hyper-aware of our own dysphoria in the process of comparing our bodies and picking apart our perceived flaws until we lose any sense of self-worth or body love. And guess what?? That doesn’t actually help anybody. We’re actually making each other feel worse.

Now, you can try all you want to blame me and my weight and my disability for your tips not working. You can try, but deep down you know that is not valid, because if you really wanted to help people you would make your guides inclusive to people like me. You can’t get off on my technicality, you still need to accept some fucking responsibility for the fact that a frightened, dysphoric teenager came in here looking for acceptance and help, and came out with an eating disorder and a body image so fucking shitty he actually starved himself and refused to leave the house or look in the mirror for weeks.

YOU are the reason young trans men feel so bad about themselves. You, this community, need to accept some fucking responsibility, and you need to actually stop being problematic before any of your disclaimers mean shit.

I didn’t do this to myself. Are my underlying issues to blame for the severity of the situation? Maybe so! But does that absolve this fucking toxic bullshit community of anything?? ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT. You can deny and disclaim all you want, but as long as we fucking toxic demons keep being so critical and negative and perpetuating this cycle of “passing tips” and forced hyper-masculinity, none of it matters.

We have to do better.

BE KIND TO EACH OTHER!

Be helpful! Offer support, and help, and positivity, and hope! Do something! Don’t just sit around telling us to lose weight or work out. Don’t glorify hyper-masculinity; there is no justification for pushing that on anyone! Let trans boys and men be as conventionally masculine or feminine as they want, don’t pressure or expect them to exercise, let them not “pass” and not want to and still treat them as valid and worthy men.

tl;dr: Let trans men be fat, let them be frail, let them be disabled, let them be queer and non-white and effeminate and mentally ill and neurodivergent and chronically ill and emotional and anything else without judging them. Let trans men be themselves.

None of this should have happened in the first place. This community should be a place where we can find solace in people like us, and happiness in not being alone! We shouldn’t let the transmasculine community be ruled by cissexism and internalized transphobia and other bigotry. We have to do better.

We have to do better.

Be kind.

Now I know you’re dismissing me in your head right now, calling me a sensitive sissy (as if there’s anything wrong with that.) and blaming me for everything I just said. Alright. go ahead, boys. Hit me with your best shot. You know you’re part of the problem if you’re offended by the sentiment of this post. It’s time to take some fucking responsibility.

Love you. <3

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emphasisonthehomo · 7 years ago

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LMAO VENT POST 😂

God like the whole thing re: Dre*m D*ddy is so fucking frustrating and upsetting and irritating.

I was complaining recently that there weren’t any lgbt+ dating sims, and then there WAS and I was just so excited.

I’m not super involved in idk the whole ~gaming~ community, and I had no idea who the g*me gr*mps were, and now it’s so obvious that this thing is at least partially motivated by the fact that those bigots KNOW we’re desperate for anything about us, so we’ll buy it in a heart beat.

It’s like those shitty companies who make rainbow advertisements every year. You know they’re not ~supporting the gays~ because it’s the right thing to do- they’re doing it because it’ll make them money.

And it’s upsetting because I’m still gonna play that fucking game. I bought it like an hour after it became available, and I’m gonna play it, and I’m gonna hate myself a little bit for it, because fuck I just wanna lose myself in some lighthearted dating sim bullshit.

And then there’s the whole thing of like??? Every other video game company sucks too. Should I just not bother with them either? Blah blah blah no ethical consumption under late capitalism. I hate this.

Am I just being extra critical of Dre*m D*ddy because of my own issues of internalized homophobia and transphobia? Would I have reacted differently if this happened with a bigger company? Is it just my own self loathing driving my strong reaction to it?

It makes me want to try and develop my own game out of spite, because I hate this. I hate having to rely on bigoted people and companies in order to see characters like me and like my friends in media.

But I don’t have money, and I don’t have time, and I sure as fuck don’t have any of the knowledge, equipment, or programs needed to do that. The best I could do is rig up a shitty power point that jumps to different slides depending on what link you click.

I’m just so frustrated and upset like??? I don’t keep up with the gaming industry. I hate that I can look at a game at face value, and be able to enjoy it. I hate that some awful bigoted shitholes are making money off of my desperation.

And most of all I hate that I’m so upset by this??? Like y'all, I’ll go on an on about enjoying “”“problematic media”“” being okay as long as it’s critical. Like lord knows that’s my entire approach to hockey. Unproblematic content doesn’t exist.

But with the NHL, when some random athlete screams another homophobic slur that just happens to get caught on camera, it’s honestly just like WHELP, ITS NOW BEEN ZERO DAYS SINCE OUR LAST INCIDENT. TIME TO SCRATCH YET ANOTHER MEAT HEAD OFF OF MY LIST OF “tolerable boys” AND THEN TWEET ANGRILY AT THEIR TEAM.

For some reason the whole thing w/ Dre*m D*ddy caught me off guard. It was like a slap to the face, and it shouldn’t have been. I should know better by now. It was too good to be true, no way was there some sweet lgbt+ gaming for me. Of course there is a catch.

And that’s on me honestly. I shouldn’t have been that ignorant about it. I remember being like “who tf are the g*me gr*mps” but not being so curious as to go google them.

But this SUCKS okay, and I know I’m rambling, but I feel desperate, and I feel like a fucking dipshit, and I hate myself bc I want to badly to enjoy that goddamn game.

And underneath the whole thing is this sick awful fear that I’m overreacting and over sensitive. I should just suck it up and accept the crumbs that have been thrown my way. But I don’t want to. Like don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the crumbs, but I won’t be happy about it.

Ugh idk I just feel stupid and naive and I’m so, so angry and conflicted about this goddamn game about dating dads.

#aron sucks at video games #aron talks gender stuff #ugh idk kinda sorta #anyways fuck capitalism #and fuck g*me gr*mps #I want to be able to ENJOY THINGS #but I can't bc everything sucks #and I'm not comfortable ignoring that shit #I don't like ignoring important stuff just bc it makes me unhappy

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