#internalized transphobia? self loathing? fear?

[ngage2003]

Gosh, am I gonna have to be the anon to ask about the abortion headcannons??? Has someone asked already??? I can't be the only one who is ridiculously curious now.

Ok its 6:30 am and I have to sleep but let me break this down as quickly as possible.

H, if you're confused heres the abortion tierlist.

I am Gage , self proclaimed marble hornets scholar who has its period and is sleep deprived. Lets do this so I can sleep.

⟦cw: mpreg, abortion (duh), distress at pregnancy towards the end, dysphoria⟧

Starting from number 9】 The Operator. Brian is Christian and named the Ark just that, and yknow what else is commonly referred to as an ark in Christianity? Mother Mary and her womb. Literally the most important womb in history kind of. The Operator would not get an abortion ever.

Number 8】 Brian Thomas He wouldn't get accidentally pregnant. He is the only person here who u can reasonably believe knows what safe sex is due to his well adjusted nature. He probably also would just generally feel uncomfortable with an abortion. This is unrelated to his Christianity.

Number 7】 Jay Merrick He has never thought about it before but he 100% wants to be a father and really would like to do better than his parents. He would agonize over abortion and try to convince himself that maybe he could keep the baby, but ultimately he would choose whats best for his health and the kid. He would never ever want to give the kid a bad childhood and that would majorly affect his decision.

Number 6】 Tim Wright He is aware of right place right time but he would project his own issues of abandonment and his mother's struggles onto this parasitic bundle of cells, kind of leaving him in this weird fearful spot where he knows he needs to be responsible but a part of him feels guilty. Right place right time he would love to be a parent and that weighs on his Mind

bonus round, number 5.5】 Masky she would love kids but ultimately doesnt feel like the body is hers, is very sensible about certain stuff, and prioritizes Tim. It would front to help him get over his fear and get an abortion

Number 5】 Seth Wilson Middle man. Seth Wilson isn't a person in Marble Hornets.

Number 4】 Jessica Locke She's never really thought about abortion but is a lot more actively conscious of her body as hers and feels a semi-neurotic need for control, along with her not romanticizing parenthood she would get an abortion without too much anxiety aside from about the process—but I think she has thought about being parent and the pipe dream of one day, maybe, with a cute girl.

Number 3】 Amy Walters She has a life to live! She doesn't have time to be a parent and doesn't want to be. She would have a brief panic over being pregnant but ultimately she doesn't want to be and she is not ready to be, maybe ever! She's a lot more focused on college. Hope that goes well for her.

Number 2】 Sarah Reid She has no interest in parenthood or kids. She is perfectly comfortable helping out her friends and focusing on her life and bullying Seth into doing his chores in their apartment. She would abort that thing without a second thought.

And Number 1!!!!!】 Alex Kralie!!!! His toxic masculinity combined with his dysphoria is like a category 5 hurricane. Its a world shattering earth quake. Its a biblical flood. His neuroticism around pregnancy would be a force to be reckoned with, his hatred and disgust about the topic borders on anti-natalist. He isn't always loud about it but his internalized fears and the general 2000s climate towards masculinity and rampant homophobia (nevermind transphobia) turns into this viscous self loathing cocktail that spills on everyone near him.

If he got pregnant he would get 1000x worse and even after his abortion he would get these weird episodes of dysphoria where he is scared they didn't get it out. He would have delusional episodes and probably need to stay in bed for like a week. He would get his tubes tied as soon as possible. He would fear becoming his parents and perpetuating harm. He would fear being a pregnant man and being seen as a woman.

It would be to the extent where he like gets mean about people talking about pregnancy/wanting families and tease like, "all kids suck/are demons, man." It would just be this intensely destructive fear and upset.

Alex Kralie would get an abortion.

[gigakoops]

A Rant About Censoring LGBTQIA+ Content From Kids

CW: Mentions of sheltering, abuse, and internalized transphobia

While I'm not thinking that the absolute worst-case scenario is set in stone to happen, the thought of conservatives trying to censor LGBTQIA+ content from the internet to "protect kids" is absolutely infuriating to me. The very idea that kids learning that anything other than cishet identity exists would somehow be harmful to them is making my blood boil, because of anything, not letting them see such things can be very harmful down the line.

Take me, for example. I grew up sheltered, with no internet, and raised to be a god-fearing, conservative boy. But something about that always felt "off." Yet every time I showed any sign of being feminine I was told to stop it, and that I needed to "man up." I wasn't allowed to express myself, even to myself.

Flash forward several years later, and I find out that I'm trans, thanks to talking to other trans folks online and finding out "Oh wait, that's exactly how I feel!" Along with that, though, came a major depression and self-loathing over this very fact. I was raised to hate the very things that I found in myself, and so I had to take additional time to grapple with that. And now, every time I discover some new aspect of myself, I react negatively, despite the fact that I already accept these things in other people.

Whereas if I were to have been shown trans-supportive things at a younger age, I wouldn't have had these mental health struggles, because I'd have known then that what my caretakers were talking about was complete bull. And I wouldn't have to train myself to not take it out on myself every time I feel something other than what they'd want me to feel.

So a note to conservatives: by not letting kids see LGBTQIA+-positive content, you'd effectively be hurting every queer child whose parents would be hindering their growth. You'd be subjecting millions of children to psychological abuse.

If anything, censoring these things would be the abuse. The very thing you're swearing these bills are trying to do.

[hopefulkittenconnoisseur]

this is obviously a good thing for society as a whole, there is a small downside close to my heart.

there was a (in)famous message board on 4chan. i think the address was lgbt/tttt or something? i know it was like a part of the larger lgbt board, and the part was called tttt. it was a transgender community (mostly transfems). i myself never visited it, but learned of it vicariously through kirnixis (great youtuber btw). the board was rife with self-loathing and internalized transphobia in addition to the usually bigotry, racism and general CHUD infestation of 4chan. that is to say, i do not mourn the loss of the board itself.

however, if IP addresses were leaked, as the screenshots say, i am quite concerned for the users. many of them were not in the best place to begin with, and i fear that taking away their community (even if separation from said community would be better for their long-term mental health) and their IP address being leaked to alt-right 4chan users who find themselves suddenly with a lot of free time on their hands, is probably not a good thing.

i dont want to rain on the parade, as its definitely a good thing that 4chan is no more, but i please ask my dear reader to remember to reach out in support to the transgender people (especially transfems!) in your life. this doesnt mean to tolerate bigotry and racism from them, but to make sure they know that there are people who know they are their chosen gender and accept them as such.

chicken jockey being the last possible 4chan post is fucking hilarious but there's so many amounts of comedic irony to it.

it's like a tyrant dying from falling over a medium sized brick wall. humiliating end.

[erigold13261]

Ookay… vague ask incoming… Is Purl Hew alright?

Hah, hahaha... no. No Purl is very much not alright.

They have MANY problems and feel they are not worthy of love or of getting better. It is going to be a very long and hard journey for them to learn how to love themself along with how to fully trust the ones they care for.

For now, they are working on it and on themself, but are also in the current mindset that they are just an object for other people's desires and once they are no longer relevant or needed then they have lost everything and are going to be thrown out so best not to get close to anyone to minimize the pain.

I would LIKE to say that Purl and Eve get along and are able to help each other cope, but honestly the two are very unhealthy for each other. Eve actually sees a bit of Zuke in Purl, and ends up trying to treat them like Zuke, which makes her project a fake relationship between the two of them (at least before the Rock Revolution). While Purl wants to make Eve happy for the fear that she could do something to their career or family since she is a higher rank in NSR (which she never would do, but Purl's anxiety and insecurity makes them a people pleaser).

In the end the two of them would just drag each other down an endless abyss of self hate and loathing, trying to cope with a reality that is never going to happen. At least with West/Cyril for Purl, those two actually care for Purl for themself, even if West actually saw bits of Eve in Purl when they first started getting together.

Look, I don't know if much of this made sense, I think it does, but just know that Purl is a HUGE mess. No matter where they are in their life (pre- or post-revolution) I feel like Purl will be very unstable and emotionally unwell, but always trying to get better or at least make the people around them think they are getting better.

Anyway, some of the other problems Purl has are (some might be repeats):

-Childhood trauma from having an abusive mom and neglectful father

-Having memories of fighting in a war that you were forced to fight

-Being an introvert forced to act like an extrovert

-A poor family dynamic where they are always pushed aside

-Recklessly sleeping with any consenting adult that can get them drunk in the hopes of feeling physically fulfilled

-Also substance problems (Alcohol, weed, harder drugs...)

-Having physical problems such as poor eyesight, a shitty battery, and over sensitive hearing/touch

-A deep seated fear of the ocean that many people make fun of because they are an ex-navy bot

-Internalized transphobia and homophobia that pushed them away from meaningful relationships

-Lack of trust for literally anyone around them, even their own family

[I think that’s most of the major ones. I do have more probably. Anyway, sorry I hijacked this to talk about Purl’s problems lol. It’s like that thing where you have a favorite OC/blorbo so you hurt them to make yourself feel better or see them finally be happy in the end. Yeah, that is me with Purl hehe]

[kahunoyo]

Calling all genderfluid and devilgender individiuals!

I want to make a flag for people who are both devilgender and genderfluid, like me (”devilgenderfluid,” as I like to call it). However, I’m not sure if I’m properly equipped to do such a thing. I don’t think I know enough about flag symbolism and what is and is not allowed on a pride flag.

Therefore, I’m asking for your assistance. Under the cut are my ideas for colors and symbols to include. What do you think of them? Are there any meanings that I shouldn’t include? What colors and symbols do you think would work best out of the ones I’ve listed? Any constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I would also like to clarify that these colors and symbols were picked based on my personal experiences with gender and how I came about to realize my identity (for example, the negative meanings, such as “internalized self-loathing” and “loss of faith in humanity,” relate to why I view myself as a demon. The self-loathing has nothing to do with internalized transphobia, just for clarification).

Content warning for eye strain, as well as mentions of nihilism, self-loathing, depression, and fire.

Lavender (RGB 211, 188, 233), to represent change and a breath of fresh air.

Sea foam green (RGB 153, 230, 201), to represent change and the act of reflecting on one’s identity in front of the sea.

The rainbow from the progress pride flag (RGB 0, 0, 0) (RGB 121, 78, 25) (RGB 254, 1, 0) (RGB 254, 140, 1) (RGB 255, 222, 17) (RGB 17, 159, 11) (RGB 6, 68, 179) (RGB 194, 46, 220) for multiple genders.

Dark purple (RGB 78, 48, 88), to represent mystery and a “gothic”/”edgy” aesthetic.

Dark grey (RGB 64, 64, 64), to represent mystery, fog, bitterness toward the world, the disappearance of one’s happiness, self-loathing, and the fear of being true to oneself.

A dark grey gradient over the flag (RGB 64, 64, 64) to represent self-loathing and the fear of being true to oneself.

Black (RGB 0, 0, 0), to represent bitterness toward the world and loss of faith in humanity.

White (RGB 255, 255, 255), to represent euphoria, a clear mind, and the abandonment of stereotypical gender roles.

Dark red (RGB 120, 44, 49), to represent euphoria, recovery of self-love, power, fire, and boldness.

Bright red (RGB 238, 96, 96 or RGB 233, 39, 39) to represent perseverance, the anger that inspired it, power, and the trope, “Hellish Pupils.” (I’m not sure which variant of bright red I want to use)

A spiky speech balloon (RGB 236, 250, 65) (RGB 233, 39, 39), representing perseverance and a shout of triumph over bigots. If I end up using this symbol, it’ll definitely look better and more polished.

Dark teal (RGB 15, 85, 77), to represent the abandonment of stereotypical gender roles. Chosen by inverting a baby pink.

Brown (RGB 112, 53, 5), chosen by inverting a baby blue. Also represents abandoning stereotypical gender roles.

Cartoony flames placed over the stripes (RGB 236, 250, 65) (RGB 233, 39, 39), to represent power and hellfire. Obviously, if I used these in the final version, they’d look much cleaner and more professional than what you see here.

Anyway, those are my ideas for a “devilgenderfluid” flag. Other than the symbols (if I include any), the design is going to be horizontal stripes, like a lot of pride flags.

What do you all think? What colors do you think would work best? Do any of the things that I described here perpetuate negative ideas about people who are devilgender and/or genderfluid? Please let me know using reblogs and replies! Also, if you need any context for some of the symbolism that I gave and how it relates to my experiences and discovering my identity, please send me a DM! I’ll take critiques publicly, but I would prefer keeping discussions of my self-discovery private.

[natural-logg]

warning: personal self-vent fun stuff comin right up

I keep having all these conflicting feelings about gender, sexuality, labels vs no labels, etc. and despite seeing all this stuff that tells me I’m valid and despite knowing that if someone came to me with fears about their worth I’d clap both hands on either side of their head, stare into their eyes, and vehemently assure them that they are enough, despite all of this I’m left feeling like without experiencing some kind of oppression or dysphoria or Horrible Experience I’m not good enough to take any label for myself, and that sucks

it’s entirely self-imposed, but all I feel is doubt and shame for even considering some of it, like I don’t want to come to any conclusions about my sexuality because I feel like I’m not experienced enough to know what I like or that in some way my lack of attraction to how a person looks or behaves isn’t synonymous with their gender, so I can’t place everyone in one box

but I also have a huge legitimacy issue for even asking myself whether or not I am my assigned gender at birth, because even with self-loathing and body image issues, I feel like rejecting being female because of gender nonconforming traits is somehow doing a disservice to women who reject traditional gender roles and are still equally feminine? but only in my case and never with other people??

and that’s the thing, I don’t know where these convictions about myself came from, if I’m internalizing some kind of homophobia or transphobia or misogyny or something, but I never feel this way about other people, only me

I saw the wiki for ‘genderflux’ the other day and a person in the comments wrote this painfully eloquent piece about their experience and questioning, and it was like someone had cut a slice of me out and pasted it on the screen with glue

I think that might be me? but then I get so scared that I’m just id’ing with it for attention or something else... idk I know this is a common thing and all but for some reason it feels like I’m Not Allowed even though it’s me Not Allowing myself

[volpeanice]

I was thinking about what went on princess cookie's mind as he told jake to stop and proceeded to jump off a cliff... Before anyone points it out, I know I'm projecting my own suicidal tendencies, internalized transphobia, self loathing and overconsidering my experiences on it. I'm aware. This made me think and now it's serving as an outlet for some things I've been feeling lately...

-vent warning-

As I'm admittedly being hella projective here, I'll use she/her pronouns.

She was running to her dreams or at least the thought of it... Start anew like Jake said, be a princess and build her own kingdom, but something just... Clicked inside her head...

"if its so wrong to be the way I know I'd feel happy, so wrong I must suffer for the rest of my life, if I really can't make myself understood because the fear of persecution and pain will always be at bay bc of people who didn't even try to see me as a person, with hopes, interests, needs, connections, knowledge and perspectives I'd be willing to share, then I don't think it's worth it at all. For a moment there I truly felt hopeful, I felt i was taking the necessary steps to start getting closer to what I know was right for me... But it was also a distortion, and maybe the closest I can get to my truth won't ever feel right. I second guess myself more than anyone, but for that moment I truly felt like a princess... And that was the rightful place I was running towards... If that's the closest I'll ever get to it, so be it, it's enough for me.

Goodbye"

[lgbtq-families]

LGBT Terms & Definitions

Ally: person who confronts heterosexism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, heterosexual privilege, and so on, in themselves and others out of self-interest and a concern for the well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and other queer-related people, and who believes that heterosexism is a social injustice

Bicurious: curiosity about having sexual relations with a same gender/sex person

Bisexual: person whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same and other genders, or towards people regardless of their gender

Cisgender: gender identity that society considers to “match” the biological sex assigned at birth. The prefix cis- means “on this side of” or “not across from.” A term used to call attention to the privilege of people who are not transgendered

Coming Out: describes voluntarily making public one’s sexual behaviors, or sexual or gender identity. Related terms include: “being out,” which means not concealing one’s sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity, and “outing,” a term used for making public the sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity of another who would prefer to keep this information secret

Closeted: refers to a homosexual, bisexual, transperson or intersex person who will not or cannot disclose their sex, sexuality, sexual orientation or gender identity to their friends, family, co-workers, or society. An intersex person may be closeted due to ignorance about their status since standard medical practice is to “correct,” whenever possible, intersex conditions early in childhood and to hide the medical history from the patient. There are varying degrees of being “in the closet”; for example, a person can be out in their social life, but in the closet at work, or with their family. Also known as ‘Downlow” or ‘D/L’

Dyke: derogatory term referring to a masculine lesbian. Sometimes adopted affirmatively by lesbians (not necessarily masculine ones) to refer to themselves

Fag: derogatory term referring to someone perceived as non-heteronormative

Family: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. Also any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family: single-parent family, spouse and children, group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head: Household, group of persons of common ancestry.

Gay: a person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender; a commonly used word for male homosexuals

Gender: a social construct used to classify a person as a man, woman, or some other identity. Fundamentally different from the sex one is assigned at birth

Gender Binary: the idea that there are only two genders – male/female or man/woman and that a person must be strictly gendered as either/or. (See also ‘Identity Sphere.’)

Gender Expression/ Presentation: how one expresses oneself, in terms of dress and/or behaviors that society characterizes as “masculine” or “feminine.” May also be androgynous or something else altogether.  Some people differentiate between the two terms

Gender Role: the role or behavior learned by a person as appropriate to their gender, determined by the prevailing cultural norms. Behaviors, values, and attitudes that a society considers appropriate for both male and female.

Genderfluid: being fluid in motion between two or more genders; shifting naturally in gender identity and/or gender expression/presentation. May be a gender identity itself. Refers to the fluidity of identity

Gender Identity: a person’s internal sense or self-conceptualization of their own gender. Used to call attention to the self-identification inherent in gender. Cisgender, transgender, man, woman, genderqueer, etc. are all gender identities

Hate Crime: hate crime legislation often defines a hate crime as a crime motivated by the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, ethnicity, gender, disability, or sexual orientation of any person

Heteronormativity: assumption, in individuals or in institutions, that everyone is heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is superior to homosexuality and bisexuality

Heterosexuality: sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the “opposite” gender

Heterosexual Privilege: benefits derived automatically by being heterosexual that are denied to homosexuals and bisexuals. Also, the benefits homosexuals and bisexuals receive as a result of claiming heterosexual identity or denying homosexual or bisexual identity

Homophobia: irrational hatred and fear of homosexuals or homosexuality.  In a broader sense, any disapproval of homosexuality at all, regardless of motive. Homophobia includes prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence brought on by fear and hatred.  It occurs on personal, institutional, and societal levels, and is closely linked with transphobia, biphobia, and others

Homosexuality: sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. This term originated within the psychiatric community to label people with a mental illness, and still appears within the current discourse, but is generally thought to be outdated

Hypermasculinity: sociological term denoting exaggerated forms of masculinity, virility, and physicality. Scholars have suggested that there are three distinct characteristics associated with the hypermasculine personality: (1) the view of violence as manly, (2) the perception of danger as exciting and sensational, and (3) callous behavior toward women and a regard toward emotional displays as feminine. The quality or exhibition of exaggerated masculine behavior or traits, especially strength and those of a violent, dominant, or sexual nature.  

Internalized Homophobia: fear and self-hate of one’s own homosexuality or non-monosexuality that occurs for many individuals who have learned negative ideas about homosexuality throughout childhood.  One form of internalized oppression is the acceptance of the myths and stereotypes applied to the oppressed group

Intersectionality: the interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage 

Lesbian: a woman whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender

LGBT: abbreviation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender.  An umbrella term that is used to refer to the community as a whole. There are other variations of this which mix up the letters (GLBT) or are more inclusive such as adding ‘queer’, ‘intersex’ or ‘asexual/ally’ in LGBTQIAA

Pansexual/ Omnisexual: terms used to describe people who have romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for people of all genders and sexes.  Used by many in place of “bisexual,” which implies that only two sexes or genders exist

Polyamorous: the desire or need to have multiple relationships or multiple people in a relationship

Second-Parent Adoption/ Co-parent Adoption/ Stepchild Adoption: legal procedure that allows a same-sex parent, regardless of whether they have a legally recognized relationship to the other parent, to adopt her or his partner's biological or adoptive child without terminating the first parent’s legal status as a parent.

Sex: categorization based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. Refers to the biological characteristics chosen to assign humans as male, female, or intersex.

Sexuality: components of a person that include their biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual practices, etc.

Sexual Orientation: an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, and/or affectional attraction. Terms include homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, non-monosexual, queer, and asexual, and may apply to varying degrees. Sexual orientation is fluid, and people use a variety of labels to describe their own.  Sometimes sexual preference is used but can be problematic as it implies choice.

Stigma: a strong lack of respect for a person or a group of people or a bad opinion of them because they have done something society does not approve of. A mark of shame or discredit. Mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation. A strong feeling in society that being in a particular situation is something to be ashamed of.

Straight: a person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the “opposite” gender

Transgender: used most often as an umbrella term, and frequently abbreviated to “trans” or “trans*” (the asterisk indicates the option to fill in the appropriate label, ie. Transman). It describes a wide range of identities and experiences of people whose gender identity and/or expression differs from conventional expectations based on their assigned biological birth sex. Some commonly held definitions: (1) Someone whose behavior or expression does not “match” their assigned sex according to society. (2) A gender outside of the man/woman binary. (3) Having no gender or multiple genders. (4) Some definitions also include people who perform gender or play with it. (5) Historically, the term was coined to designate a transperson who was not undergoing medical transition (surgery or hormones).

Transphobia: a reaction of fear, loathing, and discriminatory treatment of people whose identity or gender presentation (or perceived gender or gender identity) does not “match,” in the societally accepted way, the sex they were assigned at birth. Transgendered people, intersex people, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and other non-monosexuals are typically the target of transphobia

[alexangery]

your writing trademark is smut combined with so much headspace angst that sometimes I don't even know what's going on. Can you explain please? I really want to understand how you hc alexander hamilton

i had to grab my laptop to answer this because i have So Many Words. prepare

so my headcanon is that a.ham is incredibly traumatized and also very mentally not ok. lets break that down

ptsd man, ptsd hands- abandonment is his worst fear- incredibly traumatized and terrified of asking for help because he was taught in childhood that no one would help him- too much pride to look weak or dependent in any way so he swallows his emotions until he can’t anymore- his trauma is also a huge part of his gender identity in tytch. my thought process behind that was internalized toxic messages about masculinity, misdirected internalized misogyny, and the need to appear unbreakable. also a dichotomy between “if im trans, im undesirable” (internalized transphobia) and “if im a man im immediately attractive” (desire for intimacy, need to be seen as important)

bipolar- usually manic. lows do happen but he’s far more often manic than he is depressed.- incredible drive to create, but impulsive and makes some bad heckin decisions- struggles to function day to day. what is sleep

probably also some kind of personality disorder- there are traits of npd and hpd, but i think what i see most is bpd. so a lot of cluster B traits.- he has equal parts self loathing and self importance. he’s naturally the smartest and best in the room but he’s also garbage and worthless. how do you reconcile that into a single self image? answer: you don’t. you act out and do impulsive things that you Know are probably harmful.- on the impulsivity: he doesn’t believe he’ll make it past 30. he learned very early about how mortal he is and how fragile life is. he’s ready to die, he won’t protest, but in the meantime he’s going to make damn sure everyone remembers who he is. and if he does things that are reckless and dangerous? who cares? he’s gonna die anyway.- Lots of splitting. oh my god.

anyway basically he’s a fucking mess who hates himself but simultaneously thinks hes a gift to the world and i love this horrible broken child. he does things that don’t make sense and rationalizes his behavior in ways that don’t follow any kind of logic. there’s a lot of contradiction in who he is and how he behaves and that’s because of all the trauma he experienced during his formative years.

bonus: there is some evidence that bpd may be a subcategory of ptsd (note to self: find sources and link here later) so i think that giving him bpd with narcissistic traits fits Really Well.

[iamprettyconfused-blog]

Why can’t I hold all these feels

Stayed up late last night to try and work through some of the stuff I’ve been feeling, just sat having a think really. Eventually I kind of zoned out, was just listening to music, and it came onto some Amanda Palmer.  For a while now, comparing myself to cis women has been a real source of dysphoria. Either feeling jealous or inadequate is how it usually goes. Makes me think; 'What right do I have identifying as a woman? For actual women, it just comes naturally. There must be something wrong with me' Obviously that’s ridiculous. It’s internalized transphobia, I’d never apply the same logic to other people. It’s just self loathing. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though, and it doesn’t stop me feeling that way. For whatever reason though, last night a penny dropped. I just didn’t go down that road for some reason. Instead, I had this overwhelming feeling of ‘I am like her’. It’s obviously more abstract than that, but that’s how I’d best describe how I felt. I didn’t mean our experiences were exactly the same or even that we are particularly comparable, I just felt very strongly that I was of the same gender as her. I’ve tried to word exactly how they felt a few times and I’m not sure I can put it into words. It was very personal and intense. Confusing but empowering, to keep it brief. It made me cry for the first time in years. I’ve been able to shed the odd tear, but last night it was like years of repression started to fall away and I just sat there and let myself feel it. The fear, the despair, the anger; all of it. Eventually it felt good, I was letting myself cry and I didn’t know I had that in me anymore. I expect there’s more to come but I woke up this morning feeling refreshed from it. Still in a really hard place but I guess a bit more hopeful than I was, which is something. Still have no idea on how to act on any of these realizations of myself. Avoiding thinking about transition for now, out of fear rather than anything else.