#interests hitting me left and right while I’m trying to be doing uni work 24/7 isn’t ideal

[smallpwbbles]

Not me seeing like one clip of digimon ghost game then reliving my entire digimon phase I had with Tamers (my fav season) and now wanting to catch up with ghost game

[artificialqueens]

When We Went From Friends to This, Part 1: Week 1 (Branjie) - Writworm42

A/N: Fic summary: At the start of their first year of college, roomies Brooke and Vanessa have to quarantine together for two weeks. Fourteen days is a lot of time to bond, but it’s also a lot of time for things to get complicated.

For the lovely Ortega–merry super belated Christmas <3 Thank you Holtz for betaing & suggesting a song for the title, Bean for answering my questions about whether UK stereotypes are true, and Ortega for being patient fdhsjkf

Title from Paper Rings by Taylor Swift

TW for implied weed use

Day 1

“I still can’t believe you gotta go in-person to all these classes, you sure there ain’t a Zoom option?”

Vanessa snorts, and she’s pretty sure that Silky can hear her roll her eyes on the other end of the line. “For dance majors? Bitch, you know that ain’t gonna work.”

But Silky is too stubborn to be fazed by common sense. Instead, her voice gets a little more urgent. “We’re only first year. Start out with something that doesn’t need to be done in-person, then switch majors to dance once this is all over. C’mon, I can’t have my bestie dying Miss ‘Rona here!”

“Christ, you sound like my mom.” Vanessa huffs. “Look, the uni is being very careful, okay? Why else do you think I gotta quarantine for two weeks ahead of the start of term? Plus all clubs have been suspended and meals and showers are booked with time slots for each room. I’m literally seeing no one except the people in my classes and the bitch I’m sleeping next to.”

“But—“

“Listen, I’m at the dorm now, so I gotta go. I’ll call you later, alright?”

“Bye.” Silky’s begrudging send-off brings a flash of guilt to Vanessa’s chest, but only for a moment. Pushing her feelings aside, she hip-checks the door to the dorm building, trying to make her way inside without disrupting the large box she’s holding with one arm or the suitcase she’s trailing behind her with the other.

“Hi, I’m Vanessa Mateo, I think I’m supposed to be room 96?”

The suspiciously stoned-looking guy at the front desk barely looks up from the computer as he slides the keycard across his desk, and at first, Vanessa hovers, waiting for him to launch into a spiel about rules, but a moment passes without him saying anything, so she surges on. The building is a bit of a maze, its cement walls cold and drab despite the colourful posters plastered across it in a desperate attempt to make it more hospitable. By the time she finally reaches her room, she’s almost grateful that she’ll have to stay in it 24/7, given the impression the building and staff have left so far. No matter, though, right now, all she wants is to put down what she’s carrying and collapse onto her bed.

She shifts uncomfortably for a moment, trying to balance her box while also maneuvering her card towards the keypad, but the effort is unsuccessful–when she finally manages to tap the card, she’s met with another obstacle, having to actually open the door without any free arms.

It’s probably not the best impression to kick the door open and promptly drop almost all of your stuff before falling on top of it. Scratch that, it’s definitely not the best impression. Especially when Vanessa looks up at the owner of the voice that’s holding back laughter, asking if she needs help in a soft, calm twang.

Her roommate is tall, blonde, and nothing short of gorgeous. And even as she makes a motion as simple as offering a hand, Vanessa can tell that this girl is the picture of poise and grace.

“What’s your name?” The girl watches with piercing eyes as Vanessa dusts herself off, fighting off a fierce blush as she straightens up and catches her breath.

“Vanessa, but my friends call me Vanjie.” She extends a hand again, and this time, the girl seems rather shy as she takes it, nervously brushing a piece of hair behind her ear.

Huh.

“Nice to meet you, Vanessa. I’m Brooke.”

Day 2

Brooke, as it turns out, is the polar opposite of Vanessa–quiet and reserved, so introverted that Vanessa has to wrestle information out of her. What Vanessa learns about her is interesting - she’s a dance major too, she’s from Toronto, she decided to study here because she wants RAD training as well as to get trained in other styles. She plans to minor in costume design, having an affinity for and attraction to any pattern that involves leather or lace (a kinky detail that Vanessa, much to her shame and embarrassment, files away hungrily). She has two cats back home, Apollo and Henry, that she misses terribly. Everything else Vanessa knows, though, had to be acquired sneakily over their first night together, more observation and speculation than actually asking. Like how Brooke must be a fan of Schitt’s Creek , given that she put out a ‘ fold in the cheese ’ sign on her desk. Or how Lana is probably her favourite artist, because she has a weird habit of not checking if her air pods are actually connected to the school’s shitty bluetooth network and it’s always the first couple notes of Summertime Sadness that play from her laptop before she catches her mistake. Or how her ass is one of the best Vanessa’s ever seen, because Brooke has no shame changing in front of her–

She strikes that part from her mind almost as quickly as she thinks it in the first place. The important thing is, she’s got to spend two weeks with only Brooke to keep her company, and if they stay in this silence, it’s going to get very awkward very soon.

“So… How d’you like Scotland so far?” Vanessa starts, grimacing internally at how stupid the question sounds. But Brooke doesn’t seem to mind; in fact, she smiles kindly as she looks up from her computer, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear again.

“To be honest, I haven’t really seen much of it… Pretty much came right here after I came off the plane.” Her smile turns apologetic as her face flushes pink, clearly self-conscious about the lacklustre answer. That’s okay, though; Vanessa can still work with it.

“Probably a long flight, huh? What’d you do to keep yourself entertained? Or are you a plane sleeper?” Vanessa adds with a teasing grin, and much to her delight, Brooke laughs.

“Nah, I can never sleep on planes. Unless I knock myself out with Gravol or something, at least.” Brooke chuckles, giving a small wink. “I just read a bit, then the airline showed The Notebook, so I watched that.”

“I love that movie!” Vanessa gasps, “I swear I’ve probably seen it, like, three thousand times. It’s just so–”

“Romantic!” Brooke finishes. “The poor guy next to me must have hated me for all the crying I did.”

Her eyes are alight with excitement, and Vanessa can’t help but pick up on it, because finally , the perfect topic, and Brooke likes Vanessa’s favourite movie, and maybe she likes other stuff that Vanessa likes, and they can talk about that together, and–

“So what’s your favourite scene?” Brooke asks eagerly, and Vanessa claps her hands over her face.

“That’s the worst question to ask me, bitch!” Vanessa groans, but grins behind her hands when Brooke laughs, a string of apologies flowing between giggles.

“Sorry, sorry, I should’ve known.” Brooke puts her hands up in mock surrender. “Too many to choose, right?”

“Right.” Vanessa giggles a little too. “Although…” she brings herself up on her elbows as soon as the idea hits her, and for some reason, her heart skips a beat as she formulates the question, a rare flash of nerves hitting her square in the chest.

“Maybe a rewatch would be a good reminder?” Before she can verbalize what she’s thinking, Brooke beats her to the question, blushing again and chewing on her lip.

It’s cute, how shy she is, and Vanessa makes a mental note that she’ll have to help her new roomie break herself of those habits.

“Yeah, lets.” Vanessa smiles warmly, sliding off her bed to grab her laptop from her desk. “Here, we can use my computer.”

She’s only just grabbed the computer and turned around when she falters, realizing with a sinking dread what decision is next.

Either she has to invite Brooke onto her bed, or Brooke has to make room on hers.

It’s just a bed, it’s just a bed, it’s not like you’re inviting her to snog, it’s just sitting down to watch a movie…  

So maybe Vanessa’s never had anyone but her friends lounge on her bed before, and her friends certainly don’t make her feel as nervous as Brooke does. Maybe Vanessa’s bed is a little small and Brooke is a little pretty, and the thought of being that close together makes her mouth go dry. And maybe the sudden uncertainty in Brooke’s eyes, too, is imagined, or else doesn’t mean anything that Vanessa thinks it could mean, rejection or reciprocation or suspicion of what Vanessa’s feeling. None of that changes anything right now, because Brooke is smiling again, tapping the space beside her bed to beckon Vanessa over.

“C’mon, let’s watch. If you want, we can even try to find the director’s cut.”

Day 3

Vanessa’s fast-developing fascination with Brooke’s ass isn’t helped by the sight of Brooke stretching on the floor that greets her as she comes back from her shower.

“Oh, hey!” Brooke lifts her leg up into a needle stance, peering between her legs before shifting her weight onto one hand and waving to Vanessa with the other. Her hair is still wet from her turn in the showers, and her current position is causing stray drops of water to trickle onto her arms, making it all too easy for Vanessa to give into temptation and watch as the droplets course over each one of Brooke’s muscles.

Bloody Hell. Vanessa’s got to do a better job of keeping her hormones under control.

“Hey yourself.” She tries to keep her voice casual as she grabs a pair of PJs from her bedside drawer, turning away from Brooke to change.

It’s strange. Vanessa never used to be as shy as she feels now, self-conscious of her nakedness as she drops her robe and begins to re-dress. A few months ago, this would’ve been no problem at all; to be honest, she’s not sure it would be now if she had a different roommate. But with Brooke next to her, watching her or not watching her at all (she can’t decide what’s worse, really), it’s different. She can’t help but wonder what she must look like, what Brooke must see if she’s actually looking. What does it feel like, being in Brooke’s head? What does everything seem, looking through Brooke’s eyes?

But Brooke is comfortable changing around her, and even though there’s no actual rule that says so, Vanessa feels obligated to feel comfortable, too. Partially because if it’s a non-issue, then feeling embarrassed about it might fade. And if that fades, then so will the way she feels every time she lays eyes on Brooke at all.

Right?

Vanessa whips around quickly, the sudden, eerie feeling of being watched making her forget that she doesn’t have a shirt on yet.

“ Christ! ” Brooke hits the floor with a thud, flushing beet red as she scrambles to cover her eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to see–”

“I’ve seen yours, now you get to see mine.” Vanessa rolls her eyes and laughs, hoping that the light tone and faint smirk she forces herself to slap on disguises how secretly mortified she feels. And thankfully, the comment does work; the redness dissipates from Brooke’s face, and she giggles a little, though her gaze stays firmly planted on the ground until Vanessa slides on her t-shirt. Just like that, the awkwardness fades from the air, and things are back to business as usual as Vanessa begins to comb out her hair. Brooke finishes stretching, Vanessa goes to the half-bath to blow her hair dry. Brooke sits at her desk and types intently, Vanessa tries not to peek over Brooke’s shoulder to see who she’s talking to. Brooke stretches out on her bed to look at her phone, and Vanessa does the same to play around on hers.

“Oh, it’s our turn for dinner.” A reminder notification at the top of Vanessa’s screen alerts her to the time, and she shuffles up to slide on shoes and get going, only remembering what she’s wearing at the last minute.

“Gimme a second, we can go out like that together.” Brooke grins, swiping yet another strand of hair behind her ear as she drops her sweatpants and swaps them for a pair of pajama pants.

“Are you sure?” Vanessa frowns, but Brooke just shrugs, a wry smile spreading on her face.

“I’ve seen yours, now you get to see mine.”

Day 4

They do morning stretches together the next day, and Vanessa has to admit that lust gets pushed aside by jealousy the minute they slide into the splits. Vanessa can do them, even if she hates them–it’s not that she can’t. It’s not even that she’s inflexible, she wouldn’t have survived in dance up until now if she were. But Brooke? That girl is on a whole other level. She slides into the splits with no effort at all, falling into position almost instantly and yet extremely gracefully, then does the one thing Vanessa hates, because it’s the one stretch she can’t do. She grabs a high foam block and puts it under her front foot. And then, just when Vanessa thinks she can’t get shown up even worse, Brooke grabs a second block and slides that under, too.

God, Vanessa wishes she could hate Brooke. But Brooke is too sweet, too kind, and too encouraging to even hold her pretzel-like tendencies against her, especially when she turns to Vanessa and taps her foot, offers her tips on how to get herself to that level of flexibility.

Vanessa tries to tell herself that the way Brooke’s eyes seem to linger on her every few minutes is just that generosity, a teacher monitoring her pupil. But even after Brooke helps Vanessa slide a small book under her foot, elevating her leg just enough, the lingering continues, and it’s hard not to let wishful thinking–at least, she thinks that’s what it is–take over. And that feeling only gets stronger as they move to their next stretch, one where they’re toe to toe with their legs spread wide and Brooke is grabbing Vanessa’s hands to pull her hardly an inch away from her chest.

Is it just Vanessa, or is Brooke blushing? And is it just Vanessa, or are Brooke’s hands just a little sweaty under their softness, warm and gentle as if they’re trying to hold Vanessa with as much tenderness as they can? And is it just Vanessa, or has Brooke’s chest gone still, her breathing stopped until Vanessa straightens out again?

“Your turn.” Vanessa offers, pulling Brooke into the position she’d just been in, and from the way Brooke comes to a harsh, sudden, stiff stop, but her muscles don’t shake and her breathing doesn’t change, Vanessa can tell she’s holding back. Almost as if she doesn’t want to get too close.

Vanessa’s imagining it. She has to be imagining it. There’s no other explanation, not a heterosexual one, and Brooke is…

Come to think of it, Vanessa doesn’t know for sure. But she can’t ask, not now; it would be too strange. So instead, she pulls Brooke forward sharply, resisting the urge to giggle when the blonde grunts in surprise at her strength.

“No holding back.” Vanessa shakes her head, smiling far too warmly for Brooke not to know what this is really about. “You can trust me, okay?”

“Okay.” Brooke smiles up at her, and then her muscles relax, and everything feels back to normal.

Day 5

“Truth or dare?”

Brooke turns to look at Vanessa, shifting to sit up as she smiles dubiously. They’re lying on Brooke’s bed together, pressed up against each other in an attempt to both fit in the small space of the double underneath the fuzzy, tickly cushion of Brooke’s top blanket. Vanessa rolls her eyes at Brooke’s skepticism, rolling onto her back to look up at her, grin wide on her face.

“C’mon, you know you want to. We can scroll Reddit later. Truth or dare?”

“Um…” Brooke crinkles her nose as she thinks, and Vanessa has to swallow the thought of how cute the blonde looks like that.

Although admittedly, the fact that she’s starting to hope Brooke keeps thinking isn’t just so she can watch the way Brooke’s brow furrows and muse quietly to herself about how seriously Brooke is taking this choice. Rather, it’s because she knows what she wants Brooke to pick, and the longer Brooke thinks, the more opportunity there is for Vanessa to hope she’ll pick up on the psychic signals she’s trying to send her.

Pick truth, pick truth, pick truth…

“Dare. But I’m not licking anything and I’m not going anywhere naked.”

Damnit.

Vanessa frowns, chewing on her lip as she tries frantically to think of a dare she can ask Brooke to do. It has to be appropriate, obviously, nothing too crazy like she might ask of Silky or her other, closer friends. But it can’t be boring, either—-if there’s one thing Vanessa doesn’t want to be in Brooke’s eyes, it’s boring.

Then, she thinks of the perfect thing. Something that might get at her truth question, that isn’t too high-stakes but definitely still has a bit of an ‘oh shit’ factor—exactly what you want from a dare.

“Dare you to prank call your last ex. On speaker. ” Vanessa smiles triumphantly, sticking out her tongue to tease her roommate. It’s foolproof—depending on the voice, Vanessa will know who Brooke has dated. And if she’s dating someone already, then surely she’ll say that, since admitting it is no problem.

Only, from Brooke’s face, there’s definitely a problem.

“I don’t want to play anymore.” Brooke heaves herself up off the bed, face becoming stony and cold as her eyes cloud over with something that Vanessa can’t quite decipher. Something mixed with anger, sure, but also something…

Crap. Crap, crap, crap. The magnitude of what Vanessa’s just asked of her new friend hits her like a train, and she feels like both the dumbest and worst person in the world at once. She called Brooke out, put her on the spot, and if she is queer? Pretty much just asked her to out herself. Which, unlike someone like Vanessa, who has a pan flag on her desk, not everyone is willing to do.

Brooke isn’t just feeling cornered, she’s feeling afraid.

“Aw, c’mon Brooke, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want—“

“I said I don’t want to play!” Brooke snaps.

There’s a beat, Vanessa’s own heartbeat the only thing she can hear amidst the crushing silence.

“Brooke—“ Vanessa tries again after a moment, her throat going dry as she tries to cut through the sudden tension, but Brooke just turns to her desk, scoops up her things and storms towards the door.

“I’m going for a walk. See you at dinner.”

She slams the door on her way out, and suddenly, getting an answer to Vanessa’s question doesn’t really matter anymore, because there’s no satisfaction in what a reaction that strong might mean. She drops her head in her hands, staying there for a moment before punching the mattress underneath her, rocketing up and grabbing her phone.

“Silk? Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry, I just… I fucked up.”

Day 6

They don’t talk about it at dinner, nor afterwards. They don’t talk about it the next morning, not during their morning stretches or at breakfast, either. It’s not that they don’t talk; they say good morning, ask each other questions about what time breakfast is, what time Brooke is going to be on a call with her parents. But that’s about as far as it goes; Brooke sticks to business, asking and answering questions in as few words as possible and avoiding Vanessa’s gaze at all costs. It’s torture, the tension eating away at Vanessa’s mind and stinging in her chest. She fucked up, and she fucked up bad , and despite Silky’s advice, she’s not so sure she can fix this.

Still, she supposes it won’t hurt to try.

Brooke is in the shower when Vanessa decides to sneak out, purse over her shoulder and mind ready for a mission. There’s a supermarket open within walking distance of the uni right now, and technically, she’s not supposed to leave campus at all except for emergencies. Which this is, so it should be okay, right? At least, that’s what she’ll say if she gets caught. She’ll have to be fast, and sneaky, and careful not to run into anyone who might ask where she’s going. Come to think of it, she hasn’t been for a walk on the grounds yet, not since arriving–how will it work? Will she have to plan a route? Give it to the front desk? Get a pass or something, to make sure she comes back within the allotted time? This could be dangerous, very dangerous…

“If you’re gonna go to the shop, can you get me a pack of cigs?” The stoner at the front desk doesn’t even bother looking up from whatever he’s doing on the computer as she tries to sneak by, stopping in her tracks at his voice.

Christ, really?

“Sure, whatever.” Vanessa rolls her eyes, a little irritated at how easy this actually is. So much for danger and adventure.

She comes back about an hour later, throws the guy his pack and launches that he owes her eleven over her shoulder, and skips back into her room with a jumbo bag of ketchup Lays in her knapsack.

“Peace offering?” Vanessa grins down at Brooke as the blonde’s mouth drops open first in surprise, then delight as she snatches the snack from Vanessa’s hands.

“Where did you find these?” Brooke squeals with delight as she tears the bag open, breathing in the sharp, slightly-sour smell that makes Vanessa’s nose wrinkle. Still, seeing the look of utter joy on Brooke’s face makes Vanessa so happy that she can’t help but smile, too.

“International aisle.” Vanessa sits on the edge of her bed proudly. “Figured you might like them, seeing as you always say you’re craving them.” She winks, and Brooke rolls her eyes, but giggles despite herself. But the moment passes as soon as it had come, and then they settle into silence again.

Come on, Vanessa. Just face the music. Apologize. She deserves that from you. Vanessa bites her lip, her hands curling into fists as she tries to force her heartbeat even again, because the longer the silence goes on, the more awkward it gets, the more she realizes that it’s now or never for her to make things right.

“Brooke–”

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Brooke says quietly, her voice flat and lifeless and… scared, almost. Vanessa sucks in a breath, her chest sinking as she realizes what’s going on.

“Well… Do you want to?” Vanessa prods, but Brooke doesn’t even look up from the bag of crisps, which suddenly seem to be the most interesting thing in the world despite the dullness in the blonde’s eyes.

“Honestly, I’d rather we didn’t.” When she finally speaks up, her voice is barely above a whisper, and it’s enough to make Vanessa’s heart break.

Not just because she’s lost her chance to apologize–because she knows that tone, knows that look. Knows the hesitancy and caution behind it, the anxiety and the feeling of being trapped and overwhelmed. Knows what kind of revelation that voice and that look are hiding, and how the information Brooke is trying to avoid isn’t actually set in stone yet.

Jesus, she’s fucked up way more than she thought she had.

“Okay.” Vanessa finally nods, sighing deeply. “But if you do… I’m here, okay?”

Brooke hesitates for a moment, but when she does look up, her eyes are full of a gratefulness that’s surprisingly warm. “Okay.”

This time, when silence falls, it’s not awkward, but full of resolution.

“So…” Brooke finally breaks it this time, a slow smile spreading on her face, “They just put up the newest season of The Bachelor online, wanna watch it? We got snacks, after all.” Brooke waves her bag in the air, and Vanessa smiles.

“Shove over, mate. I wanna see what kinda mess the girls are this year.”

[shhawnboi]

Dad’s Approval | Connor Brashier

Summary: Your dad hates Connor so much that even he starts questioning himself and it’s your job to remind him why he can’t be more wrong.

Word Account: 2K

A/N: This is my first imagine ever, so sorry if it’s to cringey and disappointing. Also, English it’s not my first language, excuse my poor vocabulary and grammar and please tell me major mistakes to correct them.  

                                                          *  *  *  *

Y/D/N Y/L/N, your father, is Connor’s second worst nightmare, the first one being losing you. Mister Y/L/N is the boss of the biggest lawyer’s firm on LA, he is feared and respected everywhere because he has enough power to bring everyone he wants down, and that includes Connor, luckily this hasn’t happened to him, yet.

Your dad adores you. You are his pride and joy he just wants the best for you and he thinks that Connor, a simple boy with a camera, will never be enough, so he takes every chance he gets to remind you both, that. You don’t care about you dad’s nagging words but Connor does because he can’t help but agreeing with him. You deserve better than him and he is a selfish jerk for keeping you all to himself, but he can’t bear the idea of letting you go.

Last Monday your dad called to invite you two for dinner at his favorite restaurant ‘Saint Japher’, a place designed for the upper class with menus that just a few of privileged people can afford, and in that group of people Connor isn’t included. Your father does every other time for two main reasons: to see if you are still together and to drag Connor’s confidence down (task that he has always accomplished successfully). Connor has always tried to win your dad’s favor but to Y/D/N’s eyes, Connor was just a kid who plays with a camera and think that’s a job.

When Connor wakes up, the first thing he sees is your beautiful figure cuddled against his right side. Your body is covered by just his shirt and nothing more, and it makes him feel all cozy inside because it means that all of you is his. You are completely knocked out, it’s a normal occurrence whenever you see your father, he never fails on getting on your nerves and tiring you to death, especially when he starts throwing knives at Connor like there’s no tomorrow. Connor gives you a light kiss on your forehead and decides to go out for a run, he needs it to clear his mind a little. When he steps out of bed you start moving on your sleep but you don’t get up. He tries not to make too much noise while he’s getting dressed and when he is finally out of the house, he lets a long exhale escape from his lips. Con knows that he shouldn’t give a fuck about what your dad thinks about him but he does because he agrees with your father, you deserve better.  

By the time Connor starts running following the peace of some catchy pop song, every snarky word your dad said yesterday comes to his mind, crashing him with the force of wave colliding against the rocks.

“Do you remember Thomas Lebrant, darling?” asked you father while he was looking at the menu.

“Yes dad, I remember Tom.” of course you did remember Tom, you dated him for a year... before you left him for Connor.

“I saw him him the other day, he’s doing great at medical school, he will have a bright future, he’s a very hard-working man, he asked me about you. I really think he was your perfect match.”  

Connor remembered Thomas too, your first boyfriend, he was the guy every father wanted for his daughter: perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect behavior... he was just perfect. You started dating him when you were seventeen and spent a whole year with him, but when you met Connor you started to feel things you had never felt before and you had to break up.  

Con will never forget the day he saw you for the first time. It was a sunny day in LA, he was at the beach with Sam doing a photoshoot with an Instagram model called Lydia Hanni, she was laying on the hot sand and he was supposed to be taking photos of her body, but he couldn’t focus his camera on her, he was too busy filming the beautiful girl playing frisbee with her friends. When you noticed a pair of eyes on you, you turned around and saw Connor with his camera. He waved his hand to say ‘hi’ and you smiled, at that moment Connor swears he felt his whole world stop. That was the beginning of your love story and your dad’s worst headache ever.

“Good for him, dad. I guess you told him that I’m doing pretty good with Uni and my lovely boyfriend.” you reached for Connor’s hand and you pressed a little kiss on it. Your father let out a sigh and Connor smiled at you. You had the power to make everything better.

“I told him you had a little adventure with some guy.”

‘A two years adventure’ thought Connor.

At first he thought that her dad needed time to warm up to him, but time passed and he didn’t change his mindset. He hoped that when he started working for Shawn your dad would be happy, but that didn’t occur, in fact, he got pissed because he was going with his friends to have fun in Europe leaving you alone. Nothing he does it’s good for your dad and that’s eating him alive. He tries to ignore it but it gets harder every single day.  

“Have you found a real job yet?”

“My friend is looking for a coffee guy for his office, I could call him if you are interested?”

“How much has your boss payed you for your hobby? I mean, it’s not a very hard task.”

“Did you have fun on tour? Doing nothing playing with your friends?”

He loves his job and he’s proud of it but he is starting to believe that it’s not enough for you. Your father is right, you are worth of a rich, wealthy man that can give you all you want in matter of minutes. You always say that he’s the best that has ever happened to you, but now he thinks you say that because he’s keeping you away from greater things that you’ll never discover if you’re with him.

When he arrives home after an hour of running, he goes straight to the shower, maybe that’s what he needs to clear his mind for good. Once the hot water hits his muscles, he lets a satisfied moan, a hot shower never fails to relax him.

You wake up the moment you hear the water running from the bathroom, you guess that’s Connor having a morning shower but once you notice his sport clothes scattered across the bedroom floor, you know he’s probably gone out to clear his mind a little. You can’t blame him though, the shitshow your dad pulled yesterday at the restaurant was capable to put everyone on the edge of their sanity. You have talked nearly a billion times with your dad about his behavior with your boyfriend but he always ignores it. You’re sick of it because Connor doesn’t deserve an ounce of the shit your father aims at him, no one really deserves it to be honest. Your boyfriend is the best that has ever happened to you and you’re so proud and in love with him that whenever your dad opens his big mouth, your heart breaks a little.

You decide to get out of bed and get into the shower with him to show him some love. You get rid of your shirt when you enter the bathroom. Connor hasn’t realized yet that you’re there and very much awake so you got him by surprise when you stepped into the shower.

Everything in you is alluring and lovely to Connor’s eyes and your body is no exception. He loved and praised every inch of it, it’s his temple, the place where all his problems disappear. He was completely addicted to it, therefore when you decide to enter the shower, his first instinct is to pull your naked body closer to his.

“Hi, love.” this pet-name always sends shivers down your spine and makes you smile like an idiot “How are you?” you were both under the hot stream of water, nose and foreheads touching and eyes closed.

“That’s what I should be asking, handsome.” you whisper as you kiss him delicately, like you’re afraid of breaking him.  

“I’ve been better.” he confesses with a forced smile. He doesn’t want you to worry about him but you know too well that grimace on his face and the dull look on his beautiful eyes.

“I’m so sorry about my dad, I can’t believe what an asshole he can be.” you’re really ashamed by your father, he never respects your decisions or opinions, each time he tries to impose his no matter what.  

“You don’t have to excuse him, I mean, he’s not wrong.” he looks away because he knows that if he sees your breathtaking eyes, he’ll break down in matter of seconds.

“What do you mean he’s not wrong, Con?” you hold his face between your hands and you make him look at you.

“He’s right about me.” he says heartbroken.

“No, he’s not, baby.” you try to reason with him but he doesn’t take it and watching him so sad is destroying you.

“C’mon Y/N, he’s right. You are this beautiful, kind, smart and amazing woman and I’m a kid with a camera. All your life you’ve been surrounded by the most incredible things on Earth, your dad could give you all you wanted. I’ll never be able to do that, I can’t take you to Bali every month, I can’t pay your studies... You know who could? Thomas, he was perfect for you and I took you away, if you were with him, I bet you’d be happier becau...” you smack his chest before he can finish his ridiculous speech, now you’re pissed and frustrated, he can’t be saying all of that, can he?

“I swear to god, Connor David Brashier, that if you say something like all the bullshit you have just said, I’ll kick you out of the house until your two remaining brain cells realize how utterly stupid you are.”

“Bab...” he tries to interrupt you but you shut him off before he can argue back.

“Don’t ‘Babe’ me, idiot. Connor, I love you, more than anything, you’re my world. Listen, maybe my dad has always given me whatever the hell I wanted, do you know the price? He was never there for me, I was left alone 24/7, on my birthdays, recitals, competitions, even in my own graduation, he showered me with gifts but not love. And Tom, he was a nice guy, he treated me right and all of that, always so perfect, it was boring as fuck: we never stayed three days in a row at home doing nothing besides fucking and eating, he never surprised me with 3 AM dates at the beach or with little getaways at Target... Tom was just there but he didn’t make me feel anything, not the way you do. I want you. You’re the best part of my life and I can’t imagine a future without you. I don’t care about monthly travels to Bali, I care about months just by your side. I love you Connor, you’re perfect.”

Once you finish your monologue, you notice he’s crying. You clean his tears with your soft fingers and he kisses you passionately against the shower wall.

“I love you, Y/N” he embraces you strongly, afraid that if he loosens his grip, you’ll disappear.  

“I love you Connor, let me show you.” you kneel down and that’s the only thing Connor needs to know that he’s in for a very long morning and he’s so ready for it.

                                                       * * * * 

I hope you all have enjoyed it. Please like, comment or repost if you liked it. Right now, I’m working on a long Shawn Mendes fic, tell me if you’d like to read it.

[freudsghost]

I’m not sure how much personal stuff I want to share on this blog but venting about some stuff helps me process. 

So in light of EB 224 I wanna share a bit about what it was like growing up in the south/bible-belt (Texas) and being who I am (a bisexual, Jewish woman) and my experience with Evangelical Christianity and CRU. 

Forewarning: this is not a happy story. these are not glory days. it’s dark. trigger warnings for gas-lighting, manipulation, mental, physical, and emotional abuse, corrective/date rape and semi-forced/coerced marriage, dissociation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and alcohol. Read at your own risk.

I grew up without much religious influence in my life, my dad wasn’t Jewish (he was agnostic) and my mom is Jewish but not overly concerned with religious beliefs. My grandparents were/are Jewish as well and were WAY more involved in religion, but having survived the holocaust were private about their culture/religion. 

At 17 I was accepted on a full scholarship to Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. And if there’s one thing Lubbock is known for is being one of the most religious cities in Texas. Predominantly Evangelical Christian. 

My first semester, I lived in the women’s architecture honors dorm and quickly made friends with most of the other girls, one in particular I became fast friends with and we studied for almost every test together and were studio partners for almost every project. I’m still friends with her almost 20 years later (its been rough and complicated) so, to protect our friendship and privacy I’ll just call her Mandy. 

Mandy was from a small town up north and her father was an Evangelical pastor and her first priority when getting to uni was to find a bible study group. I was NOT in any way involved in that, because I had no interest in christianity. Some time during Spring semester she started leading her own bible study group and invited me to come with her. I knew she was possibly trying to convert me and I resisted. At 18 I wasn’t very good at confronting people on their motivations but I’ve since talked with her about this and we’ve moved passed it with minimal damage.

I was super focused on my school work and sports and she stopped bringing up the bible study. For a while...

That all changed when she brought a few male friends back to the dorms for a calculus study group before midterms. During the study session I really hit it off with one of the guys. He was a year ahead of me, super smart and I thought he was charming and cute. And it turns out he was the leader of Mandy’s bible study. I’ll call him Vick.

Mandy knew I had a bit of a crush on him and got me to finally come to her bible study, with promises she wasn’t trying to push her beliefs on me but just wanted me to get to know Vick. 

She also said that their group was welcoming to people of other faiths and were open to other perspectives and wanted me to talk about being Jewish and The Torah. Which was weird, being put into a group where no one else was like me and I was the token Jewish person, having to represent everyone from a large diverse culture. I tried to explain I wasn’t the right person to do that but she insisted it would be fine because I was charismatic and outgoing. 

I should also mention that at this point of my life I was extremely outgoing, I had been in many leadership roles and actively sought those things out. I was very comfortable in front of large crowds and at this point I still had the dream of being a musician. 

Mandy knew this, and during her time visiting me over the summer asked me if I would be interested in joining the leadership team. I initially said no because I wasn’t at all interested in the religious aspect of their group, but thought that another leadership position would look good on my resume. So I reconsidered and talked with a couple of my long time friends who said I should go for it. It would put me on stage and I would possibly get to be musically creative. And of course I could always quit if I was uncomfortable. 

And that’s how I, a bisexual Jewish woman, became the leader and emcee for the Texas Tech Branch of Campus Crusade for Christ, or TTUCRU. 

During this time I had grown a lot closer with Vick. We talked on the phone all summer (yes this was before texting and iPhones) and when I returned for fall semester, we started to date. He was the perfect attentive boyfriend. He came across so charming and mature. He was romantic and sweet. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. By the time my birthday came around in December we were pretty serious about our relationship. I knew he was the kind of man I could fall in love with.

He was also extremely helpful when I had the new pressure to write and coordinate large meetings for a group of people I knew I had VERY LITTLE in common with. I knew I was bisexual. I knew I was Jewish. But most people didn’t know that about me and there was a bit of an unspoken rule that I NOT mention any of those things. Vick suggested I not tell anyone, and it was easy enough to not say anything. I had a good christian boyfriend, everyone assumed I was a straight christian girl. But the whole time I felt like I was being shoved back into the closet not only when I led the group, but every time I was around CRU members. Which was 24/7. CRU became my only social outlet. It consumed most of my free time. It was stressful. 

Other things in my life began to suffer, at this time I was still a collegiate athlete (track and field), and I was majoring in not only one or two but three majors and an unnecessary minor and had to maintain above a 3.8 to keep my scholarship. I was constantly stressed, I started having issues with anxiety and didn’t know how to cope. I had a large public position on campus, because TTUCRU was The Organization to Follow for many students. I had to coordinate with other student organizations and get involved with student politics. I felt a constant weight on my shoulders not only to be a star athlete and student but I had to look The Part. 

This is where things get really dark.

(I should mention before I continue that I also had a traumatic childhood. It’s a long story but to sum it up, my mom bullied me into an early eating disorder. She treated me (and my father and brother) poorly and abused us all mentally and abused me and my brother physically. It’s left me with a lot of unprocessed trauma I wasn’t even aware of until I was an adult.)

It also left me as an easy target to be manipulated.

I’m not really sure how to explain how it happened and I’m not sure I ever will be, but after a few months I realized that I was a powerless bystander in my relationship with Vick. I felt like something was wrong and that I had no control over my own life. I couldn’t pinpoint anything, and if I mentioned this feeling to anyone I was usually dismissed as being stressed. Everyone loved Vick. He had been CRU’s Most Eligible Bachelor. I was constantly reminded this by other members, that I should count myself lucky to have a man like him, no matter what.

Looking back its because I know that he was manipulating me. He was charming and could talk his way into and out of things without anyone even knowing he was doing it. He talked me into things I would have not normally done at that time. Including how serious our relationship was. I felt like big parts of me were becoming less and less important, things that had once been very important to who I was as a person were becoming less and less visible. Like I was losing myself entirely. He used our relationship and his ties to religion and used our membership in CRU to manipulate me. By the time I turned 21 our relationship was nearly inseparable from our positions on the leadership team. He controlled what I said during meetings, he controlled my speeches and my prompts. He had offered to organize all our media and sound. 

I remember wanting to leave, but I knew if I mentioned it to Vick he would leave me and my identity had been so entangled with him, our relationship and CRU I knew I couldn’t. I was convinced I would be nothing without him, without CRU. There were always subtle reminders of this from the culture of the organization. How women are property. None of my accomplishments were ever my own, everything I did was because of Vick or because I was ‘given the opportunity’ by a man. I was also constantly criticized for my appearance. What I should and shouldn’t wear. The size of my jeans. Comments from full time coordinators about how my ass looked too fat. I looked pale and my hair wasn’t right. Vick enforced this. He encouraged me to lose weight and eat less. My already negative body image issues developed into a really unhealthy mindset about eating. I was determined to not be the girl who “gained the freshman 15″. And every time someone “Wow you look so great!” it felt amazing so I just kept not eating. 

Somehow a headstrong outspoken rebellious teenager who didn’t give two fucks about other people’s opinions had changed into a 21 year old whose identity was entirely based on the validation and judgement I got from standing on the stage in an auditorium filled with strangers and people I had very little in common with. But all that started to break down right before finals the spring semester of my junior year. 

I had moved into a house off campus and I was home alone with Vick keeping me company and we had been horsing around, playing with my dog and out of nowhere he snapped at me and rage I had only seen turned on other people was suddenly focused entirely on me. I still don’t know what sparked his rage and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that he grabbed me and shoved me, picked me up and threw me on the hard concrete floor. After months of treatment and several x-rays and MRIs, I found out that I had two herniated discs that had resulted in nerve damage causing chronic pain, migraines and muscle damage.

I had to quit playing almost all sports after this injury because between disordered eating, weight loss and this new injury I was trying to recover from I couldn’t physically handle the rigorous training. I also got put on some heavy opiates to deal with the pain and doctors at the time had no problem giving me prescription after prescription for heavier and heavier pain killers. Pain killers like Oxy and Vicodin left me in a pretty vulnerable state to be taken advantage of in many ways. Over spring break that year I went on a couples vacation with Vick where we were going to spend one weekend together hiking and meet up with friends to go sightseeing and to an amusement park. 

(this part is extremely hard for me to recall both because of being drugged and traumatic processing) The Saturday we spent alone ended with us going to get drinks at a martini bar that was recommended to us by a friend. I don’t remember having too many drinks or having anything beyond one drink at all. I had purposely not taken any pain medication because I knew it could be dangerous. I heavily suspect Vick drugged my drink. All I can recall fuzzy memories of being carried to his car, being carried and half dragged into our room, and Vick roughly taking my clothes off me and holding me down to sexually assault me. I remember being scared and confused. I remember asking him what he was doing. And I remember saying no. 

He did this after years of insisting to me that he was waiting for marriage to have sex. He enforced his belief system on our relationship, no questions allowed. I remember waking up Sunday morning the day we were going to meet our friends and feeling sick, sicker than I’d ever felt before in my life. I remember wanting to hide and not see anyone ever again. I shoved myself into the tightest darkest corner in our washroom and cried before calling one of my friends we were meeting with later to prepare her for the conversation I knew I needed to have with her. 

She didn’t believe me. 

No one did. 

I was shocked and humiliated. People’s reactions ranged from “Vick wouldn’t do that he’s an upstanding member of CRU” to “You were asking for it by (drinking)(being on drugs)(being a tease)(dressing like that)(you consented by just being his girlfriend)” 

I confronted him about it and told him that I knew what he did. He didn’t even try to deny it. He said he had been drinking and couldn’t control himself. I was certain it would be the end of our relationship. But in the storm of all of this, the two full time coordinators (two older adult men in their 40s/50s) of CRU called me in for a meeting mid-semester. They sat me down for lunch and fired me because they heard the rumors that I had been having premarital sex with Vick and they couldn’t allow someone like me lead their organization. They then used my sexuality and religion they had previously been aware of against me. They called me a whore and a heathen and dismissed me. 

I felt alone. I couldn’t turn to my family because they’ve never been supportive. My boyfriend had just done something unthinkable to me and I couldn’t trust him anymore and most of my friends thought I was a liar or a whore. Rumors started. I got the most judgmental amounts of hate I’ve ever had in my entire life from people who had previously been my friends. 

(somehow in the midst of all of that I managed to keep my grades up and not fail or drop out lol)

My friends told me if what I said was true, if I had sex with Vick the only right thing to do was to stay with him. They cherry picked bible verse after bible verse, a book I didn’t even believe in, to prove that I was trash unless I was committed to him. That I had to be his wife (property) forever. And Vick refused to leave me. Seeing him made me sick but after refusing to leave over and over again I gave in when he begged for us to go to couples counselling. 

(spoiler alert: going to a therapist your rapist has hand picked with them, isn’t a good solution) 

The ‘therapist’ was not-shockingly associated with CRU and the church Vick attended. He made it very clear what my role should be and that even if what I said happened, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t rape. It couldn’t be and that I needed to ‘process what it meant to be a good wife’ so I would be a proper woman for Vick. He used words like immature and selfish to describe my emotional upset.  

I remember leaving our second and final session crying and angry. I went home and felt even more alone. I felt pathetic. Vick kept trying to salvage our relationship but he ‘warned’ me that time was running out because he was leaving for an internship over the summer and we wouldn’t see each other. 

I was right. I had the whole summer to focus on me and getting into graduate school. I was writing my undergraduate dissertation and finishing up important studio classes to graduate a semester early that fall. I remember having this feeling that I needed to run away and wasn’t sure why. But I didn’t use any of my time alone to process what had really happened. I kept denying it. I was filled with so much self hatred, guilt, and shame. 

When Vick came back in the Fall he proposed to me and laid it out like an ultimatum. I either had to marry him or we had to break up. He knew how scrambled my brain was, and used everything he could against me. He promised me that I wouldn’t have anything if I said no. I wouldn’t have him, I would loose all my friends that I was lucky to still have and no one would respect or want me ever again. I was terrified and stressed and still on and off pain medication. I had no support system and no support from my family and no real friends. 

I remember going home with the ring and bawling my eyes out. I had a full on panic attack and cried for hours. My mom told me to ‘control myself’ because I was overreacting. She loved Vick and told me what a lucky girl i was to have  such a good and supporting man in my life. Told me that I was a stupid girl if I said no. So I said yes. We were engaged for over a year and a half. I kept putting off the wedding and I let him plan it all with my mother. 

Vick insisted we take time to go thru CRU recommended engagement counseling and seminar after seminar. I forced me to pray with him constantly. He said I needed to ask for forgiveness for what I had done. He started getting more and more jealous and would accuse me of “mentally cheating” if i looked too long at anyone. He would corner me and force me to confess my “adulterous” feelings. I remember believing him during this time. That looking at anyone, strangers or friends, men or women, was horrible and that I was betraying him if I had any thoughts about anyone else. I felt like a shell of a person. I gave up control over most of my life. I had given up trying to end things and decided to make the best of the inevitable.

I knew I didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t a christian. I knew I didn’t believe in any of it. And I knew I couldn’t love him after what he did. And I knew before we got married he wasn’t the kind of man who could love me back. 

We got married on my birthday and I remember crying for hours beforehand. I insisted I was just nervous and stressed. The only person who ever asked if it was what I really wanted was my dad. An untimely question seconds before I was getting married. I never answered him. I wanted to say no. I should’ve said no. I wished I had listened to the gut feeling telling me to run.

That’s where I’m ending my story because the rest is a bit inconsequential to what I wanted to vent about. I left him after eight months of marriage. I had to reach out to friends finally, despite the guilt and shame. I still deal with a lot of internalized bullshit to this day because of him and the brainwashing (I don’t have a better term, sorry) I got from CRU and his church.

As an aside, I just want to say that this is MY story. These are MY feelings and no one else’s. I know ‘not all christians’-- I have friends and family who are christians. But I wanted to share this because I needed to. For personal reasons. And I know there are tons of other stories out there.

If anyone has any questions or wants to DM me just to talk, feel free! I probably won’t be posting public replies or asks about this though. It’s still kind of hard to talk about publicly. <3

[thieving-magpiexhunting-tiger]

1-78 for both my boys <3

SOoooo manyyyyyy

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer? Is the dryer on? If not couch. -JM Counter. -SM

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why: Good, always good. What can I say? Good partners. -JM Same as Jim, good, good partners. -SM

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed: Fictional…I keep thinking Iron man. He looks like he would be a good bottom. -JM This isn’t something I think about too much, I will admit. James Bond? Or maybe Princess Leia? Could just be me. -SM

4: Something that never fails to make you horny: School girl outfits. Blood, knives, guns, leather, lace, need I go on?. -JM Glasses, blood, knives, pain. -SM

5: Where is one place you would never have sex: Parents grave? -JM Jimmm….-SM No, you did it there already. -JM Not what I meant. Umm…middle of a street. -SM

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________ All I can think of is TMI…a guy passed out once, said he was fine. He wasn’t fine. -JM Wrong brother. -SM

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny: I’m sure something on my above list could be considered weird. Breeding? Knotting? -JM No idea, not much for kink shamming. Ohh, being kink shamed, that’s done it. -SM

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]: Completely bind? Rope. -JM Rope. -SM

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny: See no. 4. -J&SM

10: Top or bottom? Top. -JM Top. -SM

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in] We were about to rim but then his brother walked in. -SM Weirdest threesome yet. Umm, We were about to do it but then he realized he didn’t clean out. -JM

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary? One is enough, wouldn’t say no to more. -JM Me too. -SM

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: There’s this one dildo, knotting…don’t want to talk about it. -JM Not sex related but like 50 guns. That wouldn’t look too good. -SM

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you: I’m not sure there are weird ones? Kitten, baby, Jimmy, daddy, king. -JM I’m not sure I have weird ones either. Tiger, knight, Basher, Jim’s called me that before. -SM

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex: Taste and feel. You Decide if I like or hate it. -JM Something to do with my mouth, pleasuring the other. -SM

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: Oh no, piss kinks, scat kinks, suffocation. All for choking but head in pillow holding me down? I’ll pass. -JM With Jim on the piss kinks. -SM

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] Yes, it’s okay, I would prefer it to be someone else’s or someone else to take it. -JM Have, would again, don’t mind it. -SM

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: If we want another child and know the other are clean, which we do. -JM Condoms don’t stop the kids but yeah. -SM

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had? Me. -JM Jim. -SM

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: Chocolate. Always chocolate. I would like to try whipped topping. -JM Cheese. I’m trying to convince them it’s a good idea. -SM

21: How big is too big: 8-9 is normally the limit. Could go bigger but that’s a good amount with no pain. -JM 9-10 I would say, Jim’s about that. -SM

22: One sexual thing you would never do: I think after trying the ones in 16 there’s nothing left on that list, though I would never want to try them again. -JM Yeah, I wouldn’t want to do Jim’s list on 16 either. -SM

23: Biggest turn on: Didn’t we do this already? School girl, lace, leather. -JM Pain, probably. -SM

24: Three spots that drive you insane: Nipples, hair, dick. -JM Dick, obviously, thighs, scars. -SM

25: Worst possible time to get horny: Middle of a murder? Blood everywhere, happens every time. -JM Giving a presentation in Uni. -SM

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans: Yes, always. -JM Of course, I do. -SM

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had: Gang bang of people I didn’t know. -JM Probably going to regret the cheese. -SM

28: How much fapping is too much fapping: Not something I’ve ever been much for but come on, more that once or twice a week is a bit much. -JM Once a day is fine, doing it more than that there might be an issue. -SM

29: Best sexual complement you ever got: Not sure I’ve ever got a compliment? Magic dick, maybe? -JM That I knew what I was doing and hit every spot. -SM

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji: Either of the first two. -JM If I see a landing strip, I will start laughing. Why give up when you’re so close? Finish or don’t start. -SM

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut: It can be, yeah. If it’s good for the other person. -JM I know the right answer is yes but…-SM

32: Fill in the blank: "If they ____________, we are fuckin" Have a hole. -SM Horny on main, Sebastian. I have higher standards. Are married to us. -JM Fine, marriage and all that. -SM

33: What your favorite part of your body: I like my muscle, I’m quite strong. -SM …I got nothing. Eyes, maybe? Mouth? -JM

34: Favorite foreplay activities: Kissing. -JM Touching. -SM

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math thats “greater than, less than, or equal to] > -JM = -SM

36: What do you wear to bed? Nothing to t-shirt and boxers, depending on who is there and how warm it is. -JM Nothing. -SM

37: When was the first time you masturbated: 11? -JM 10 I think. -SM

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? Yes. -JM Yes. -SM

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? Yes, every time I get a chance. Last date night. -JM Last date night it was. -SM

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside? Well this is the last question again. Yes. -JM Yes, last date night. -SM

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome? Nooooo….All the time. -JM Often we have. -SM

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? Don’t use random objects. Tooth brush once. -JM He fucked me, with a toothbrush! Ummm…Long story but a cucumber. -SM

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school? Work, yes. For a while, I worked at a school. Yes again. -JM Work yes, school, no. -SM

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane? Yes. -JM Yes. -SM

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to? That would be lost on both of us. -JM

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny? Scars. -JM Lip biting and glasses. -SM

47: Most attractive celebrity? That Michael Fassbender guy is hot. -JM You mean James Bond and Princess Leia wasn’t enough? -SM

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? No, don’t really watch any when I can just watch two of the others. -JM Same as Jim. -SM

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now? Well, the one that is currently inside me exists and isn’t out. But if there was another then we wouldn’t even know of its existence yet. -JM As old as Jim’s second one. -SM

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online? Yes. -JM No…well, actually, yeah. Yeah, those are out there. -SM

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny? We once again refer you to the dreaded number 16. -JM

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?) I don’t have them, I don’t have a problem with them. As far as I know no one has. -JM I have some, don’t mind them or anything. Don’t think the others have. -SM

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not) Don’t mind it, see 15 for why. -JM Did we mess up somewhere? This was 15 wasn’t it? Or was that receiving? -SM

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Don’t mind them. Not one to go after people covered I them but some are okay. -JM I have a couple, don’t mind them really, it’s their bodies. -SM

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? Nope, nope, nope. -JM Nope, nope. -SM

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Garlic? -JM Hot peppers. -SM

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see? On what now? -JM What’s Tumblr and where did the e go? -SM

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?) Yes, we do not have time to go into the giant box full, that would be hours. -JM And don’t forget the dungeon. -SM

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day? I guess, still don’t know what this is though. -JM I don’t see why not. -SM

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery? I think so. -JM Yeah, I can’t think of a way that could be good, if they’re suggesting it then they aren’t happy with me. -SM

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Been the second. The first sounds better. -JM Yeah, star. -SM

62: Do you watch porn? Nope. -JM No. -SM

63: How small is too small? Don’t think there’s a thing? I mean something can be worked out. -JM Yeah, there are other things that can be done if needed. -SM

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Yes, more times than I care to count. -JM You’ve read through the history, take your pick. -SM

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything? Seb. Yes, it meant he wanted me to put his name down as the last. -JM Jim and it meant l Iove him, it’s clear to see it didn’t mean anything to him though. -SM

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day? That’s all about controlling I think. I mean I have nothing to hide but I don’t want people to not have enough trust in me to need to take my phone. -JM They can but it would be a whole thing with work and getting in contact with me. -SM

67: Do you feel comfortable going "commando"? Not really. -JM Yeah. -SM

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn't shaved their pubic hair? Depends on how long it’s been and man or woman, I think. -JM I…could do it. -SM

69: If you could give yourself head, would you? Yeah, probably. -JM I think so. -SM

70: Booty or Boobs? Booty. -JM Boobs. -SM

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it? He is little J and that is enough of that. -JM If…what do they mean if? …his name is Basher. -SM

72: Have you ever been on an official date? No, never why would I do that? I’m married and have 3253270527 kids, yes, I’ve dated. -JM Yeah, too many probably. -SM

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) I was going to say Seb but we had an open relationship so no. -JM I did once, whole thing, I was trying to get out of the relationship. They didn’t want me to. I wasn’t happy. -SM

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be? Big dick? I don’t know, I’m tired. -JM In honor of Jim’s last typo Bid Bick. -SM

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?) No, I haven’t and won’t. -JM That’s just… no, no, wrong. -SM

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed? Umm terrified, they’ve been dead for 30 years. -JM I would let them finish and then burn the bed. -SM

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina What is that? -JM I don’t remember. -SM

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do? …how many things can you do with one? I mean give and receive and get yourself off but with a vagina, you can receive and get yourself off so I guess those two. If someone knows three more things, let me know. -JM Yeah, sex I guess. I don’t know what else? Am I fully a girl? Or just me with a vagina instead? -SM

[thestylesproject]

#51 Milkshake and Concert Tickets (Harry Styles)

Summary: The one where Y/N makes killer milkshakes, and Harry is a little sad.

Snippet: “You know, I make an awesome Belgium chocolate milkshake which is amazing for heart breaks,” I looked up to meet the eyes of the cafe girl wiping glasses. 24/7 this cafe remained open, this girl looked around my age, was it even safe for her?

“Who said I had a heartbreak?” I asked, keeping my voice a little different. I wasn’t in shape to be Harry Styles just this moment.

“It’s killer for midnight blues even,” She said, stocking the glasses back on the shelves.

“It’s extra calories.”

“You’ll burn em,” She laughed. Did she know who I was? I was glad she wasn’t focusing it on that, at least.

“I’d love one.” I saw her work around the shop. Putting one scoop of ice cream, then another, milk, then sugar - I’d need an extra session at the gym tomorrow.

“There you go,” she placed the heavenly looking glass in front of me. God, it’s amazing.

“It’s good,” I nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” She took a seat at the counter and opened her book. Something something…empire.

“What is that book about?” I asked.

“Oh, Britain and its colonies.” She said, taking a sip of the coffee in her glass.

“Of how great it was?” I laughed.

“How it became great by ruining everything else,” I shut up.

----

“Harry, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what happened to me. It just..happened. And, I’m so so ashamed of myself.” This is how I was still awake at 4 AM. I’m confused if it was an involuntary decision of accepting to meet her in a coffee shop after midnight or there was something left between us.

“Please say something, Harry!” I tried to get myself incognito. I figured the black hoodie and the track pants hid me and my emotion burning inside pretty well in the mirror. “I know you’re mad at me. I know you hate me right now. But,” I wanted to hit her. I wanted to take her to the top floor and push her from there. She did the same to my heart. “It wasn’t technically even cheating, Harry,”

“How many types of cheating are there? You had your tongue pretty much down his throat, his hands on your bare ass, both naked. That pretty much is cheating.” I tried controlling my tears. Crying wasn’t good, crying made you look weak. It didn’t matter if you thought that maybe crying was relieving, refreshing, the world saw it as weak. She saw it as weak.

“We weren’t even together, Harry!” Fuck. Of course. Because I didn’t ask if she’d be mine officially. All the dates, messages, late nights, kisses, fuck.

“Why are we having this discussion then?” I asked. Before she could say anything else, “Just go.” She is leaving. Last chance. Should I? Would I want to stop her? …No.

This is the fourth one, Harry. The last one had a problem with the term girlfriend, the one before that with fame, the one before that found me too available. Shit, shouldn’t bang my head on the table. It hurts now.

“You know, I make an awesome Belgium chocolate milkshake which is amazing for heart breaks,” I looked up to meet the eyes of the cafe girl wiping glasses. 24/7 this cafe remained open, this girl looked around my age, was it even safe for her?

“Who said I had a heartbreak?” I asked, keeping my voice a little different. I wasn’t in shape to be Harry Styles just this moment.

“It’s killer for midnight blues even,” She said, stocking the glasses back on the shelves.

“It’s extra calories.”

“You’ll burn 'em,” She laughed. Did she know who I was? I was glad she wasn’t focusing it on that, at least.

“I’d love one.” I saw her work around the shop. Putting one scoop of ice cream, then another, milk, then sugar - I’d need an extra session at the gym tomorrow.

“There you go,” she placed the heavenly looking glass in front of me. God, it’s amazing.

“It’s good,” I nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” She took a seat at the counter and opened her book. Something something…empire.

“What is that book about?” I asked.

“Oh, Britain and its colonies.” She said, taking a sip of the coffee in her glass.

“Of how great it was?” I laughed.

“How it became great by ruining everything else,” I shut up.

With half my drink down, “Can I ask you something?” She looked around wondering if there was anyone else she was talking to.

“Sure,” She closed her book.

“Why are you working so late at night? It’s not exactly very safe.”

“Before you get any ideas, I will warn you that I’m a black belt, and I can slap real hard.” She said with a straight face and then giggled. I took a deep breath, smiling a bit. Could she see, under my hoodie? “Well, I was free this month because my UNI gives time off for writing my dissertation. So, I took the night shift and changed my sleeping schedule.”

“A lot of trouble for a night shift?” I questioned.

“It pays more, and I needed the money,” She smiled.

“Paying for the UNI?” I asked. I was seriously blessed.

“Umm no,” She shook her head. “Parents got that covered. It’s for my own interests.”

I smiled, taking my hoodie off, watching if her smile changed. It didn’t, “Tell me more,” She laughed.

“Well, you see there is a concert this month, and this girl at school, she can’t go, and she is selling her ticket. I want to buy it. But, I just feel too guilty asking my parents to pay £150 for a concert ticket so, I plan to use my daily pocket money and then, cover up my daily expenses from this job. I will actually come out with more money in the end so, it isn’t a bad deal.” She said, the last thinking more to herself.

“The concert is that important?”

“It’s my dream! I’ve waited seven years to see him perform live. In person live, cause Media just doesn’t do it. It’ll be my first big star concert as well. Plus, he is a brilliant performer so, this late night is worth it.” She looked at me with big eyes of excitement, “Do you want me to make you another one?”

I looked at the glass. A double extra lesson at the gym it is, “Yes, please. It is magic.”

“I told you.” She got working.

“So, when are you writing your dissertation?” I asked.

“I’m trying to in the afternoon and the evening. Unfortunately, London made me a morning person, but it’s all about habit. I have all my material set now, so I just have to get typing.” She kept talking while making the milkshake. It was 5 AM.

“Hello, could I get to Cappuccino’s to go, please.” A lady came in, and I put my hoodie back on.

“Of course, late night flight?” She asked.

“A little too late. My husband’s fanatic as well. Three hours before the flight is mania!” The woman laughed.

“Oh no,” The girl shook her head so, easily conversing with strangers. “I have an uncle who took us five hours before, and the flight got delayed. Your husband is an angel!”

“Five hours! What did you do?” She asked.

“Oh, we ate and talked. Do look for the sleeping benches. They’re located closer to the boarding area. We discovered ‘em too late. There you go, two Cappuccinos!” The lady gave her the money, and some extra tip in the jar.

“I will look for the sleeping chairs first!” the woman laughed.

“Have a safe flight!” The girl waved, so cheerful at 5 AM. “Your milkshake is almost ready! What were we talking about?”

“It’s your first concert?” I asked, shocked a bit.

“Oh yeah! You see, not technically cause, I have gone for the local bands before, but this one is the huge one. I always found the ticket money too obscene. Back home and, here as well. I just can’t give this one up.”

“It’s a dream,” I remembered as she placed the second glass in front of me.

“It is!” She went back to washing everything and keeping it in place while I devoured my shake. “It is like one of those things that you know is too expensive, but you just can’t let it go. Not that I couldn’t afford it,” She was talking a bit to herself too, “but, my parents are paying an obscene amount for College, and it is my post graduation, and then living in London isn’t cheap. And, it’s my obsession. I can’t waste their money on it. If it was my money, it was money well spent, but it isn’t. I’m hoping it’s worth it, at least. He is said to be an angel on stage.”

“Who is this person you’re talking about? Ed Sheeran, umm who else is performing -”

“What time is it?” she looked at the clock. “5:30, well my shift gets over at 6 so, if you want another shake, tell me now!”

“What do you put in this shake? It’s so calming.” I leaned my head back. My heartache seemed to just escape in this ecstasy.

“It works for me, as well! It’s the chocolate, I feel!” She laughed.

“Oh wait, let me pay up since, you’re finalising accounts,“I said, taking out my wallet and giving her a card. She didn’t say anything after she saw my name even. I hardly had such interactions these days.

“There you go,” She gave the card back.

“You know working at night isn’t so bad either. You get to know so many stories. Just yesterday, I had this old woman who came in with a picture of her husband. She ordered for two butterscotch ice creams and kept one for herself, and one in front of the picture. She told me that this was the only memory she had of him that she could remember. Late night butterscotch ice cream to make the memory a little clearer. Like wiping a foggy glass with every bite. I write stories, it’s what I want to do in future as well. You find something new every night.” She smiled, with a dreamy look on her face.

“I really hope that concert is the best night of your life,” I said. Finding a sudden calm to my heart as well.

“I hope too. He never disappoints. I hope it is as magical as that milkshake,” She said with a look of positive belief.

“I’m not late! I know I’m not late!” The door banged open, and we both turned to see an older woman coming in.

“You’re not! You still have five minutes!” The girl laughed.

“Oh thank god! And please sleep when you get home! And, quit the job at the studio! Or quit this one! I’m worried about you! When do you sleep, when do you study! It’s LSE, you can’t give them shit. And when do you eat!” The woman kept talking to herself as she went inside.

“You work two jobs?” I looked at her with wide eyes.

“Just this month, it’s an expensive ticket!” She shrugged smiling.

“You study at LSE?” I asked.

“Yep.” The woman came back, “I’ve set everything to go, so there is not much to do. The truck will arrive in a while so, you’ll have to restock.” She picked up her jacket and her bag. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything else?” She asked, again and I just shook my head. “Well, it was lovely meeting you!” She nodded and walked off.

“Hey!"I called out as she pulled the Cafe door. "You didn’t answer my question.” She frowned, tilting her head, “Who is the artist?”

“Oh, I just served two magical milkshakes to him. Lovely meeting you, Mr Styles!” She smiled and closed the door, behind her. I took a seat, just shocked.

—

“Y/N” Maria called me as I entered the shop for my night shift. I hope I didn’t screw anything up since my last work boss was cross with me today. “That guy you like, Harry Styles. He dropped this letter for you. Asked your name and everything. Two girls sitting here went absolutely crazy and then, I realised.

Shocked and a little ecstatic, I took the envelope from her hand. It was in his official paper and his handwriting!

Dear Y/N,

Attached behind are two concert tickets, front row to my show here in London. I hope you have more magical nights in this city, just like that milkshake. I’ll take care of this one.

Thank you for ‘em, Harry

— Please tell me what you think about this?

Comments?

Masterlist

Copyright ©theStylesproject 2017: ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THIS WORK CONTAINS MATERIAL PROTECTED UNDER INTERNATIONAL AND FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS AND TREATIES. NO PART OF THIS WORK MAYBE REPRODUCED OR TRANSMITTED IN ANY FORM OR BY ANY MEANS WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM theStylesproject.

[firmanep]

28/28 Vision: Retrace

28/28 vision, life’s been hit me with precision. I’ve seen both ways, mourn and defeat at the bottom in one side, glory and prosper in the other. I choose to live on and keep 27 years back on my head. At 28 I begin to realize that everyone walk their own path, with their own pace. All of sudden, the meaning of success, settle, stand-on-your-feet, etc dissolve into thin air.

Nor, this doesn’t mean those words and its meaning is nothing but perception. Yet it’s a word of progress, everything in life is on process not an unchanged or fix terms. To make it clearer, I simply put it on my case. I wouldn’t say that I’m a success or failure person if I see this on my own perspective not others. What I trying to do is put those terms not in binary opposition. But in a life line terms. Life line is a sum of all variable in life. They are time, space, body, mind, money, social, career, relationship, sex, etc. So let’s put it in practice, I using “age” as metric. In example, at 27 YO I get a job promotion, start a mortgage, not in a relationship, feeling numb, stretching my financial belt, 58.000 hours listening music, etc.

Looking back farther than a year, I see myself rolling in a rollercoaster adventurous life. At 5 my parents enroll me to primary school in assume I “a slight smarter” than my counterparts. So I’m 1-2 year younger than my primary school friend age average. Yet instead accelerated in academics, my passion in football is stronger. So, it swiped the whole 6 years in primary. I won several trophy, even my profile been written on local newspaper as “bintang cilik”.

My career in football stop when I get into junior HS. Some shit happened at that time, my sister passed, family breakup, I move to my granny house, join a motorcycle gang, and drunk for the first time. That’s all more than enough to put a stamp in my face as “a broken home little shit”. But fortunately I found another passion, music. I start collecting cassette since at class 5 primary school. For local act i listened to Sheila on 7 generation band. Then I start a band, which then I ditched by because my “musical taste”.

Fuck, thanks to MTV After School Rock, so I bit move from locals and see global. At JHS I listened to hipmetal acts like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park for a brief of time. Till I really struck on Warped Tour bands like Blink 182, Sum 41, New Found Glory, etc. Because of the rarity of the cassette, I start digging music at 2nd hand cassette dweller. From which I got more recommendation, so I begin listen to more “edgy” bands like MXPX, NOFX, No Use For a Name, and local indie bands like Nudist Island and Buckskin Bugle. So almost all my “pocket money” at JHS went off to buy cassette. Oh wait! I get my first and second girlfriends on JHS. LMAO.

So, half of my JHS I spent as a member of “packed gang” (in motorcycle gang and in a band), and the last half I spent by myself, walking around finding cassette. My last year in JHS been so frustrating, I don’t have much friends because they left me/or in opposite, so i don’t see any reason to took a same school with them. Then I get into HS, speaking spatially, it’s really far from my JHS. But it’s a “throwing stone” away from my granny house. Surprisingly it’s really easy to make friends then.

Though, talking about “cultural taste”, they’re a level under my JHS friends. But I see a genuine quality in them. Like most of HS kiddos allover Bandung, we’re maniacally love occupy a Warung and make it our base camp. I can say that “nongkrong” is in par with curriculum. Everyday, after school we ambush that Warung, then we called “TeronX”(wtf!). Playing cards, or in my case I watching people playing cards then getting drunk. While in the other time I still digging music, it’s easier then because the CD & MP3 era came. And I start come to indie gigs twice a week, and I make friends from a fuckin pit! there. Local bands growth fast then, gigs and indie music start to intervere the mainstream. Their music starts play at MTV and Radio.

In HS, i live in 2 social spheres, at school and at gigs. They feed my certain personal dimension. School friends give me a kind of family-ish feeling, we eat together, we talking about life and girl together, we’re wasted together (6 hours before final exam we’re still wasted as fuck!). While gigs friends gave me a cultural experience and influence. It constructs my cultural taste, ie: I decide to being an Emo Kid as fuck. I listened to Emo bands, I dress like Emo bands, I scream at every Alone At Last shows, heartbreak like Emo kid, I writing devastated poems like Emo kid, and I start an Emo band. Yet, the most important is the 2 social spheres successfully distracting me from home, which I no longer knew with.

After finish HS I decided to take a moment to think about my future, so I not in hurry get into college. Like most of school-bonded HS alumni I pretty often still come to school. Thanks to our occupied Warung, so I always know where I should take shelter. 2 life changing things happened then. First, I met my first long last girlfriend. Second, I join a look-kinda-gonnabe-rockstar band. Not at once the two different interest got head-to-head!. Yet they’re still got along hand by hand. The girl is a freshman in my HS. So we’re separated generation. I met her at the first time when I have a meeting with my band near school. It’s a cliché that I have bigger guts as fuckin alumni to come to her, greeting and ask her phone number. Since then, a full week I spend my time with her and ask her to be my GF, and voila she accepted me. Soon I knew the reason she want to be my GF is because of the spreading news about me and my band. Our band is like HS hero then. Again, it’s a fuckin cliché. But, in fact even a cheesy reason could lead into a 7 years relationship. Strange huh!.

The band is another story. Lovely Lolita, we’re named it after a single of local shoegaze band The Milo, although our music is not a dot like them. So it all starts when I invited to featuring with one of my HS band at one single, which then listed into an indie compilation. Me and one of its guitar player thought we’re should making Emo project together. So we’re looking for another player, then we’re met a drummer who still a HS kiddos in my HS then. Then our band started with only 3 players. I took a role as Vocal and Bass then. We’re recorded a single demo and spread it on MySpace. Surprisingly, the acceptance is huge. So we’re playing from gigs to gigs. Our music evolving as our influences richen. So we’re thinking to have a bass player and I just focus on vocal. Then we’re being 4 player Metalcore/Post-Hardcore band. We’re record 3 more songs plus 1 song at the brink of our breakup. Our fans base growing bigger, we’re lined up in a big league gigs, and one of major Radio enlisted us as one of must watch indie band. So, it was a really fuckin 4 years of awesome time.

I took on college a year after I graduate from HS. I get a diploma program in state university in Bandung. I took Broadcasting major. It’s clear then I get on that major because of my “serious passion” in music industry. I thought, if I work in broadcasting company it’ll easier to “spot lighting” my band. But it’s not going well academically. My grade is average. It’s because soon I realize that I actually not into Broadcasting. At 20 I started to blown by books and thoughts. So that’s when the pseudo-criticize dimension of me started. One of my lecturer said that I suppose to took Political Science major. That’s be my battery to get off. Luckily my mom accepted it and get me into PolSci related Bachelor program in one of mediocre university. Although then financially we’re kind of broke. But that’s my mom, she push herself and eagerly sacrifice her life just to ensure her son not fail.

I start my second Uni almost 21. In contrary with what happened in primary, there my age are 2-3 years above average. So I always think it’s a setback. I try not to waste it since this is my second chance. Then I accelerating everything, my time overly consumed by reading books, writing paper, seminars, and other academic things. It’s obvious I left almost other thing behind. That’s moment I no longer dealt with music and band stuff. The path that seems like been written, the other player focus chasing their own project. So that left me with 1 thing, my girlfriend whom struggling enter a new life phase, college. At that point of life we’re destined to get along, our life line walk side by side. Struggling to graduate from school and find a decent job. We’re also financially not sufficient, so we take any after school job. I work for my Uncle as tour guide to pay my semester. From 21 to 24 my old social life melt into thin air, instead I make new friends with people in academic and activism circle. Which then I realize has huge contribution to shape my thought and mental.

Entering new social sphere shocked me mentally that time. I really change into someone I don’t even know. A skeptical and over-thought pseudo-academic person. You know, that asshole kind of person who ultra assuming their thought being original and super right. At that time I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with my music circle friends. So I totally left them. As a replacement, I’m diving deep into books and activism. Which I believe they are my “true” passion and moronically my life path. I really mean it that time, my writing published at prominent activism web site, presenting my thought at seminars and discussion, being part of mass demonstration, etc. With that load of activity I still finish college just in 3,5 years. And rightaway I don’t thinking about get a “formal” job anymore, so I decide to get a Master degree at the best state Uni in Indonesia. With my saving from part time job as tour guide I pay the administration. My mom doesn’t know that I already accepted at Master degree. Till when the school calendar is coming I tell mom that I going to Jogja for 2 years. My mom shocked. Not only by the fact that I choose to extend my school year, but also by the fact that I’m going to live away from home for a quite long time. So I say sayonara. I leave mom in confusion.

The Master year been super well for me, I got almost Suma Cumlaude at my first semester. My paper presented at Bangkok and Rangoon. Though, unfortunately I don’t get there to present them by myself. The problem is classic. I broke. My saving run out fast. Thanks to unplanned budgeting and excessive drunk habit. Plus I only got a little amount of money from writing project. So in the brink of the second semester I don’t have any money on my pocket. So that was my first experience being financially broke.

Somehow although with my academic achievements I don’t get any of scholarship. Even I mail my Rector then to ask tuition fee postponed, and no answer. So with that condition, at that time I don’t see any reason to stay in Jogja. So I back to Bandung with head facing down like the losing army march back from devastating battlefield. I already knew what I’m going to face, thousand mock. And that come from my own family. But I knew, I was wrong been took some huge decision spontaneously without any plan ahead. So I swallow the pills.

It’s been quite a time to stand on my feet once more. This is the second time I fail at college, the different is this time I fail not by my academic issue, but a god damn run out of cash. My heart break and I fall so deep haunted by my failure. But whatever it takes I should rerun my life. Fortunately one of my friend recommend me to his boss. He just built a research institution, so he hire people to work with him. And I got the job which is suits me. Not only the job, but also the office location, it’s in Bandung. So I work like a year there, until some shit happened again. The company declare bankruptcy!. For brief of time I still can live by some cash I save. But it doesn’t take long till I got broke, once more. So in such devastated time I randomly throw my CV to any open vacancy. I visit every job fair, I sent bunch of mail. What I get is nothing. It’s understandable now why it is happened. I am 26 then. While I wait for job interview, I took any work that I able to do. In example, I’ve been working as part time primary school teacher in my mom office. I teach Social. Then I begin to accept my condition. Yet I know I can do better. So I still connected with activist and academic circle. From the same circle, I met with the second girl I declare as a “serious” relationship. Actually she is not from that circle, but more like friend of my friend. We’re accidentally met at one café when I have a meeting about an event we’re going to run.

Friend of mine greets me with her, who eventually is one of that café share holder. I don’t know, but somehow we’re so easily connected. Our conversation last till the café close. And that is the start. From then we’re regularly meet and somehow our relationship up a level to “a relationship”. We’re thru a great days together. It is possible that our life line slightly different. She just graduate from college that time and I am a jobseeker cum part timer guy. That’s preconditioned us to can spend a lot of time together. But then I got the job in Jakarta and she work in Bandung. Even though we’re still regularly meet when she back her home in Jakarta, but our relationship start to tumble. It’s partly because I’m in adaptation phase with Jakarta and she just starting work in Jakarta. So our communication start dismissed. We’re lost in translation. And at 6 month of our relationship we’re decide to breaking up.

I get a quite decent and suit job in media industry. Since the break up I decide to focus on how to struggling in Jakarta, build my career Monday to Friday and have some reboot in Saturday and Sunday. At the same time I begin to fix my relationship with my family, one of the reason I start a worker life. But it’s not until the 6th month I work then I rethink about what am I wanted to achieve in Jakarta. So I start to redirect my life. And I thought I should save some cash to prepare my future. Yet I still don’t know what am I going to do with that cash. Then I remember one of line in an Indian clan movie, if I not mistaken it is Appache. At the closing, the main actor had a convo with his counterparts. They’re talking about land property ownership.

The whole movie highlighted the conflict between Indians and the invader to claim a land. One of the line got stuck in my head ever since, the chief Appache tell a young brave warrior that “ain’t a men without a land”. Thus when it comes to saving, I always thought that I should save my cash in property not a mere virtual digit in Bank Account. So I tell my mom and she support my idea. Then I went to developer and bank, they accepted my mortgage proposal. At 27 I mark a monumental decision to pay credit to bank for long years. So I start my 28 with years of credit on my back but property on my feet.

Now I’m 28. What does it means by being a 28?. That question keep buzzing me days before I turn a year older till now when I officially 28. Honestly I still don’t know the answer. But I just knew that it is the time that I should continue step my feet to the next phase of life. I should be more stabile, mentally and materially. So when the time to settle comes, I’ll be ready or at least prepared. How to do that?. Simply by fix a once broken thing back then and set timeline goals. So I set it up. Now I got my 2 year plan. If that realize, and it should, it would be another monumental life decision. I wish. May the lord open.*** Bandung 26 January 2018 Ps: Sorry if my grammar sucks. It’s unedited and I don’t give a fuck, tho!

[fureniku]

The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah.  Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on.  Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun. 

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home. 

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”.  She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit.  A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length:  3,302 words/16,759 characters

[suplosers]

That big ol’ questionnaire that’s going around…

I got tagged by @shutyourmoustache, whose blog you should DEFINITELY check out, because she is an amazing cinnamon roll 

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: @shutyourmoustache, @princeddiana, @conzdezuri, @spideyxchelle, @lightslde, @romanoger-s, @cassandor, @smellycinnamonthundahfudge, @eclecticklutz, @mjwatson, @spider-boy-parker, @lovelyparker, @undoroos, @spideychelle-romanogers, @spideycentral, @accio-azriel, @nerdlove4thewin, @starkquill, @smartenoughtoshutyouup, @i-let-the-tears-fall

the last

1. drink: water

2. phone call: my best friend

3. text message: my best friend

4. song you listened to: Close-up - Zendaya ft. Timbaland 

5. time you cried: a few days ago, because my cat passed away and I still miss hervery  much 🙈

6. dated someone twice:  I would like to get even 1 date, but there might be a problem there as I have turned the last few guys down 😅

7. kissed someone and regretted it: HA! I never kissed anyone 😌 I dont know whether I should be proud about that, but okay 😂

8. been cheated on: they wouldn’t dare

9. lost someone special: yess definitely, also can I count my cat?

10. been depressed: I had a down period in the second to last year of high school, looking back on it, I might have been depressed then

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes so that was two months ago at the end of term party of my university, lets just say I will never touch any alcohol again after that 🙈

3 favourite colours

12. dark red

13. gold

14. light blue

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yess, I have made many new friends on tumblr and in real life that I am super grateful for! A special few already have a big place in my heart and I am excited to make some more awesome memories with them!

16. fallen out of love: nope

17. laughed until you cried: omg all the fucking time 😂

18. found out someone was talking about you: yes, but everybody knows me quite well at university anyway, so she basically put herself down by trying to put me down. I was also really glad to have some great friends around me to support me 

19. met someone who changed you: Yess my two best friends at uni changed me for the better, as they have taught me how to enjoy studying and at the same time balance a social life!

20. found out who your friends are: I always had a very strong sense of who my real friends are and who would back me up no matter what. I am glad to say this sense has never failed me! 

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: haven’t kissed anyone ever 😉 again not sure whether I should be proud of this fact 😂

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: well I have a shit ton of facebook friends, but I never accept friend requests of people I don’t know or haven’t met in real life, so I guess all of them?

23. do you have any pets: I had a cat called Pumpkin, but she passed away recently and it broke my heart as I loved her to bits 😔

24. do you want to change your name: No!! I absolutely love my name 😱 Maybe my last name, but I am pretty sure that will change if I ever get married 😜

25. what did you do for your last birthday: my sisters planned a flight to London and we went on the Universal Studios Harry Potter tour! Needless to say IT WAS AMAZING

26. what time did you wake up: 10:30 a.m.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: I was probably reading Spideychelle fanfiction 😂

28. name something you can’t wait for: going on holiday to Italy in 2 days!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: last week, because my parents went to Italy a week earlier 😊

31. what are you listening to right now: Close-up by Zendaya ft. Timbaland. What can I say, I am absolutely obsessed with this song 😅

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: uhh, probably, I know a few toms, but I haven’t spoken to any of them recently 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: how to not fuck up the html of my blog, as I have been reconstructing it and I have so many questions on how to change it :’)

34. most visited website: Tumblr, Facebook, AO3 and my university website 

35. hair colour: I guess something like dark golden blonde

36. long or short hair: very long

37. do you have a crush on someone: not irl, but dayum I have the biggest crush on Zendaya 😱 

38. what do you like about yourself: I really like my personality and sense of humour and my butt and my hair 

39. piercings: only my ears! But I wear earrings everyday and I have been thinking about getting another ear piercing higher up, so I can wear the pretty earring cuffs

40. blood type: uhh I have been in hospital so many times, but I always forget to ask this 😂

41. nickname: I have so many! But the ones I get called most often are Rella, Ari and Alien soul (by my mum)

42. relationship status: singleee 🙌🏽

43. zodiac: Aries, but the night sky has changed since the 12 signs were originally discovered, which means there are 13 signs now (seriously look it up, its really interesting 😊) So if we are going by that, I am a Pisces

44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: god, so many, but I guess Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Brooklyn Nine Nine, Game of Thrones and The Good Place 

46. tattoos: nope, but I am thinking of getting a small one on my ribs on my left side

47. right or left handed: right 

48. surgery: 2 times! My kneecap on my left knee has dislocated 12 times,  and I am really stubborn, so I refused to go to the doctor (I was dancing at the dance academy at that time and having a surgery meant having to stop). So I finished there and then got my operation at 18 years old, but I had to go back to get the screws out, so that’s 2 operations :)

50. sport: I did ballet dancing, hip-hop, modern dancing and streetdance, now I only do the last three and I go to the gym 2 times a week

51. vacation: Italy in 2 days!

52. pair of trainers: uhh I think I have about 5 of those, but I don’t really do trainers, I am more of a heels kind of girl 

GENERAL

53. eating: I ate a sandwich with avocado and I am making dinner now

54. drinking: Water 

55. I’m about to: make dinner

56. waiting for: my food

57. want: my food

58. get married: I definitely want to get married somewhere in the future, but I am really happy by myself and I want to meet the right person!

59. career: student, so I am working on it 😉

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: HUGS

61. lips or eyes: eyes are much more expressive!

62. shorter or taller: well I have a thing for tall people, but I love being short 😊

63. older or younger: I’m not sure whether this is about dating, but I am into slightly older guys/girls

64. nice arms or nice stomach: doesnt really matter, I just really need to click with the person 😅

65. hookup or relationship: relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: I am both

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: nope

68. drank hard liquor: yess, damn, I dont drink wine or beer, so it tends to be the only thing I like, but lets just say I definitely regret that now 😂 

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yess both, I am very chaotic

70. turned someone down: yess I have the tendency to do that 😅

71. sex on the first date: naahh, I ain’t about that stuff, I think its good to wait a while 😅

73. had your heart broken: nope, never really been in love before 

74. been arrested: no, that would probably be the worst thing that could happen to me 😱

75. cried when someone died: yess of course, I’m not a monster 😱 I definitely need to cry and grieve, especially if they were a big part of my life

76. fallen for a friend: noo, like I said, I don’t really get crushes that easily 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: yess, it keeps me going!

78. miracles: yes

79. love at first sight: maybe, but I haven’t experienced it and I tend to looove slow burns

80. santa claus: no, that got ruined for me at a pretty young age 😂

81. kiss on the first date: sure! I guess that would work, if they are someone you really hit it off with!

82. angels: uhh, I definitely believe that there is something spiritual going on I guess 😅

OTHER:

84. eye colour: like a chocolate light brown

85. favourite movie: SO MANY, Spiderman Homecoming, A Monster Calls, Tangled, Rogue One, Storks, Pride and Prejudice and Cinderella (The one with Whitney Houston and Brandy)