#interesting that mulder seems incredibly aware that the things he does and the way he acts make him seem like a self-righteous egomaniac

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s6 episode 6 thoughts

a christmas episode!! and i shall be watching it exactly one month after christmas. this does make me a little sad; i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now and watch it then. and then maybe i’d feel all festive. but! what can you do? i shall embrace it even though there stands between me and christmas 11 months.

i haven’t watched an episode in a week-ish, so i’m excited to get back into the swing of things. let’s gooo!!

post-episode thoughts: oh my god, this episode was incredible. what if we (platonically) went to the house where two lovers famously kill other lovers each christmas? and then those ghosts tormented us with our deepest insecurities? and when they tried to trick us into killing each other, our love was simply too strong and we wouldn't fall for it? would that be festive? would you hold my hand when we walked across the rickety floorboards and found our own bodies beneath them?

love... it's alive, and well. or, in some cases, dead and well <3

PLEASE tell me what you thought of this episode. i want to go into depth on each line and do intense character analysis.

but back to past me:

well, why are they in a haunted house in maryland on christmas eve?? is kersh punishing them with a christmas assignment?

(the answer is no. it was all mulder. honestly, i should have expected that by now)

let us open with some spoooooky organ music. while mulder has christmas songs on in the car!

scully pulls in late!! she was in the checkout line, buying gifts!! “if i heard silent night one more time, i was going to start taking hostages” <- lmaoooo, i love her!!!!! she is so real for that. she truly has endured so much.

he brought her here for a stakeout?! “on christmas eve.” “it’s an important date” “no kidding” <- BAHAHA, i love when she’s a smartass. now, why are they doing this!!!

she has wrapping to do!!! he looks in her car and sees she has gifts. and he sadly says "oh...." but she acquiesces and gets in his car to hear this spooky story

SHE’S GOT HOLIDAY CHEER TO SPREAD, DAMNIT!! 

(this line KILLED me. seems she does NOT play when it comes to the holiday season!)

she has FAMILY ROLL CALL at 6 am?!?! oh. god bless her poor soul.

he locks the car before she can get out and says he’ll make it fast, bahaha (loud scully sigh)

he starts talking about christmas 1917, and did he mention it was a time of “dark, dark despair?” well, it was.

oh, now she’s hooked on this story of star-crossed lovers. i heard the interest in that “go on”.

maurice was “brooding” and “heroic”, and he loved lyda, who had a “light that seemed to follow her wherever she went”; they ended their lives together so they would never be apart. and now, each christmas eve, they come back to haunt this spooky house in maryland.

AWWW, she compliments how he told the story, and says it’s a good one, but she does not believe it. 

“you don’t believe in ghosts?!” “that surprises you?” <- STOP, SHE IS SO FUNNY, LMAOOOO

“well, yeah! i thought everybody believed in ghosts” ohhhh… okay. yeah, he would think that.

she has to go now, and he starts to enter the spooky house. she asks “don’t you have somewhere to be?” and to that i ask, oh, my poor, sweet scully, where would he go? to the vineyard? last time we saw his mom, he was tripping on K, accused her of having an affair, and then she slapped him and he left scully at her house. i hope they made up for that. but i haven’t seen or heard any indication either way.

she does not want to follow his ass in: “i’m not gonna do it. my new year’s resolution” <- bahaha, but where are her keys??? 

oooo, spooky thunder!! clocks chiming eerily!!! she just wants her keys, and he claims that he does not have them!! do we believe him?? hmm… jury’s still out on that one.

scully knows the weather said there is an 80% chance of rain!! maybe even a white christmas!! oh, but instead of letting her enjoy such a thing, the doors crash and lock them both inside!!!

(something about her wanting a white christmas made me emotional in a way i cannot quite articulate. she's kind of a romantic. and i love that for her <3)

(intro time) ooooo, sooo spOoOOoky!

oh, so just when i think we’ll never see it again, they DO hit us with the full intro!!!! chris carter, i am onto your tricks. but i much prefer the full intro. it feels so right.

back to this spooky mansion.

LET HER OUT!! he is not helping her escape and is instead telling her there is nothing to be afraid of because “ghosts are benevolent entities…. mostly”

hey man. that's not super reassuring.

she tries to check the time- and the clock strangely matches her watch, which is super weird for an abandoned old house- and then declares that she REALLY HAS TO GET HOME, when some sort of figure in white appears in a crack of thunder!!!

LMAOOOO, SHE IS JUST MONOLOGUING ABOUT HOW RIDICULOUS SOCIETY IS FOR EXPECTING GHOSTS TO BE REAL. i would have copied it down, but it just KEPT going and i kept laughing.

she admits to being afraid. and i love that. i love that her method for dealing with fear is to infodump. yeah. you tell ‘em, girl! tell them about the essence of humanity and the unconscious yearnings to live forever!! 

but it’s an IRRATIONAL fear, she points out! i would be afraid, too! of spooky ghosts AND rabid bats, rotting wood, lead paint, and other dangers of creepy abandoned buildings!

she goes ahead to investigate this other room, and he says “i’ve got your back” bahaha 

she asks if maybe someone lives here, because look!! the light is on in the library!! they have a LIBRARY?? woah, i don’t even know what this room is- it's got bookshelves on the walls, but almost looks like a ballroom on the floor- but it sure is cool!!

so the clock downstairs is somehow still keeping time which is super weird for an abandoned old building, and something is… smoking, it looks like? yeah, maybe it isn’t abandoned. hmm… 

it’s the fireplace- it was just put out! “why would anyone want to live in a cursed house?” “mulder, it’s not enough for it to be haunted? it has to be cursed?” LMAOOO 

oh, he just now CASUALLY drops that there have been 3 double murders (all of couples) in the last 80 years, and all of them were on christmas eve. GET TF OUT OF THERE!!! this seems like RELEVANT INFORMATION THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MENTIONED BEFORE YOU BROUGHT YOUR PARTNER INTO THIS DEATH TRAP!!

and then the lights go out!! and a door slams!!! and there is some weird sound and creaking floorboards…. they’re locked in!!

he’s trying to listen to the floor….

AWWW, HE SCARED HER!!!! he held the flashlight under his face and she yelled “that’s NOT funny!” <- you tell him!!

he wants to free someone from beneath the floor boards? how did he hear someone beneath the floor? but it’s just a dead body. so i guess he was half right, as he declares. looks super dead. as in dead for a very long time. oh, and there’s another!!

a man and a woman!! shot to death. and she has bright red hair. coincidence….?

well, must be not, because scully points out that the dead woman is WEARING HER OUTFIT.

(he laughs) “how embarrassing” <- LMAOOO, NOW YOU STFUUUU!!!!!

(i'm so used to his dumbass one liners, but this one really killed me for some reason)

and at first i didn’t notice, because the dead guy had a winter coat on and mulder just had a leather jacket, but he is wearing his outfit!! they put together that it is somehow them, and they RUN!!

at first i thought it was the original couple that died, but how would they get under the floor? so maybe it actually is mulder and scully in some cosmic way. don’t question it too hard.

they ran into the same room!!! well, maybe if you have one stylish room, you just make it again. and again. 

nooo!! the rooms are looping!! and they get separated somehow!! 

i wish the lighting was better; i want to stare at these paintings on the walls. they look so pretty. i wonder if they built this creepy house just for this episode and decorated it all spooky, or if there’s a stock studio haunted mansion set that gets used for lots of shows and movies. the frames are so pretty!

but back to the problem at hand. where is scully?? he’s yelling, but she’s not responding!!

he shoots th,e handle of the door and opens it to a brick wall???

A MAN APPEARS!! “who are you?” “that’s a question i should be asking you, being this is my house you’re standing in” <- GET HIS ASS!!

perhaps they shall finally face consequences for breaking and entering.

mysterious man flicks on the lights. 

mysterious man seems to be unable to tell that the door leads straight to a brick wall, or perhaps mulder is somehow seeing that. mulder says “we”, tipping off the man that there is someone else here. but mulder goes straight to accusing him of being a ghost! a bold move…

mystery guy laughs and asks mulder if he’s a ghost hunter, saying a lot of strange folks come around. he tries to deflect with a “strange folks? like those under the floor-“ but when he turns around, there is nothing there apart from some furniture!!

you know shit is going down when the mystery old man says “why don’t you have a seat, son”

oh plot twist, mystery man reveals he is in the field of mental health and specializes in “disorders and manias related to pathological behavior as it pertains to the paranormal”. okay, yeah, now i definitely believe that this dude is a real ghost and he is just doing all this to personally torture mulder.

the type of ghost hunter this mystery man encounters, and therefore he also he believes mulder to be, is as follows: a “narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniac”; “you kindly think of yourself as single-minded, but you’re prone to obsessive compulsiveness, workaholism, antisocialism- fertile fields for the descent into total wacko breakdown” BAHAHAHA

well. yes! 

while i do support generally roasting mulder for his various qualities, i also need to know where scully is. 

“you know why you think you’ve seen the things you do?” “because… i have seen them?”  okay, sassy!

“‘cause you’re a lonely man” <- OH DAMN. that shut him up.

mystery man is really being mean now… OH SHIT, did mulder steal scully's car keys to get her to stick around with him??? i hope that isn't true, but knowing him, it probably is, and that behavior seems to match some of those adjectives that were tossed about moments before

“you know why you do it- listen endlessly to her droning rationalizations. ‘cause you’re afraid. afraid of the loneliness” <- oh man. now you’ve got him sad and pondering. he looks like he’s gonna cry, but he’s gonna try and be tough about it and smile. and say politely that he would like to find his partner.

(and i would like to contemplate these lines- do we think they are true? or do we think mystery man just wanted to hit him where it hurts? "droning rationalizations" is pretty harsh; seeing scully as nothing more than a beacon against being alone doesn't seem to capture their dynamic accurately, unless you interpret it in the most selfish light possible, which is probably what that mean inner voice of mulder's head does. hmm...)

and now the brick wall behind the door is gone and mystery man can just walk through…. but mulder cannot!!! it is just a real brick wall!! and he slams his beautiful nose!!!

so... did he imagine all of that???

scully is still yelling for him!!

NOOOOO, SCULLY GETS SO SCARED AND SCREAMS AND PULLS OUT HER GUN WHEN THIS LADY APPEARS LMAOOOOO she’s absolutely SHAKING “please, i’m a little on edge” <- yeah queen, we can tell 💜

ohhh, poor sweet scully, apologizing for scaring this lady; it’s just that they found bodies! and when she tries to show her where the bodies are… there is only furniture!!

she very rarely gets scared. must have been the combo of spookiness on a night she associated with being cozy and warm. and also seeing what she does not believe in. AND being separated from mulder. truly multiple things factoring into her fear here.

scully has her gun aimed at this mystery woman, and her hands are shaking as she asks “where’s my partner?” - and when she goes to open the door, there is also! just! a! brick! wall!

how can this keep happening?!

she circling the mystery woman, holding her gun, and i guess we’re getting some psychoanalysis on both ends of this brick wall:

“oh, you poor child. you must have an awful small life. spending your christmas eve with him, running around chasing things you don’t even believe in” oh, wow... that is so mean.........

LMAO, mystery woman is going on about the “subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another” and “intimacy through co-dependency” (which. okay. yeah, that one is accurate) and scully's dirty little secret that “your only joy in life is proving him wrong”.

but unlike mulder, who was taking this analysis sitting down, she seems scared, but still spits out “you don’t know me!" i LOVE that about her!! truly!!!

“and this isn’t your house” “you wouldn’t think so, the way i’m being treated” DAMN! these ghosts are gagging them 💀💀💀

“well, then, why is all of the furniture covered?” “we’re having the house painted” “well, then where’s your christmas tree?” “we’re jewish” LMAOOO

enter mystery man!!!! scully is telling him to NOT MOVE or she WILL SHOOT HIM!!!! she needs to know WHERE MULDER IS!! and these ghosts better MOVE OVER THERE!!!!!!!

“this violates our civil rights!! i have friends at the ACLU!!” LMAOOOO

well, she makes them put their hands up, and mystery woman has a hole blown completely through her belly. so. not great. and his hat is hiding the bullet hole through his head!!!

i mean, it was pretty obvious that these here ghosts were lyda and maurice, but i wanted to go along with the mystery bit until the big reveal. and now i shall use their government names.

SCULLY!!! SHE PASSED OUT!!!! OHHHHH, POOR BABY

the ghosts are lamenting that they used to get years to drive the visitors mad, but now they get just ONE NIGHT!!! i would be pissed, too!!! 

BAHAHA, WHAT? “look, if we let our reputations slip, they’re going to take us off the tourist literature” <- BAHAHAHA OH MY GOD. wait, hold on, that’s so fucking funny.

she picked christmas as their one night a year because that is when people have no HOPE LMAOOOO and maurice looks down and says “these two do seem pretty miserable”

they smooch over poor scully’s fainted body as they declare they must show them how lonely christmas can be!!

mulder is climbing up the bookshelves, trying to get tf out of this trap room, when lyda arrives!! she calls him a “masher” (i don’t know what this means, so i hope it is not offensive) and he fires back with “frump”, only to be met by ANOTHER brick wall

(dictionary.com says that a masher is "a man who makes advances, especially to women he does not know, with a view to physical intimacy". so now we know! she accused him of hitting on her!)

“what happened to the star crossed lovers?” “oh, let me tell you, the romance is the first thing to go” <- that is a CRAZY thing to say about the guy you ended your life with 💀💀

he realizes that she is lyda, and the man is maurice!! 

she summons books from the shelves!! and says she was young and beautiful once, just like your partner. she hands him a book telling their story. so i guess you can still age in the afterlife. who knew?

she’s sitting down and he’s standing in front of her, but the focus gets all fuzzy and weird when the camera turns to him. i can’t tell if this came from reshoots or what, but lyda is crisp and clear and he is not 💀

she assumes they came here “to be together for eternity”, which gets him giggling 

“you knew this house was haunted, maybe you two should have discussed your real feelings before you came out here” OHH! SHE IS GOING THERE!!

taunt him. he just confessed his love a few episodes ago!!! do not think i forgot!!

and lyda shows him the hole in her CHEST??? i swear it was just in her belly with scully. “i don’t show my hole to just anyone” is INSANE, LMAOOO

“oh, you’re trying to tell me that scully’s going to shoot me. scully is NOT going to shoot me” AWWW, i love the certainty with which he said that

“maybe she shoots herself” “i wouldn’t let her” ohhhh…. he is so confident… but trickery is afoot, so who knows??

(also, i think lyda's line, “if you shoot first, for her, the rest is an act of faith” is a very fascinating one. one i want to unpack for years to come. but i do not have the capacity to do it now, so i am simply noting it)

OH MY GOD??? she’s trying to tell him to end their lives together???

(he sighs) “we’re not lovers”

“and this isn’t a pure science. but you’re both so attractive, and there will be a lot of time to work that out.” (she hands him the gun) “think of it as the last christmas you’ll spend alone” 

she drops the gun and disappears

so, do lyda and maurice need people (couples, specifically) to either kill themselves or be killed in order to maintain their spooky reputation? and maybe their spooky power? maybe since they haven’t had a couple’s death in a long time, that is why they can only haunt people on christmas? like, they only have enough spectral energy from the blood sacrifices to show up one day a year? i’m trying to flesh this out here.

scully wakes up!!! she’s alone with her gun and flashlight, and she still can’t get the door open!! when maurice reappears!!

“i am quite capable of pulling this trigger”, she warns him, and we know that to be very true!!

OH NO!!! i see where this is going… maurice is going to try and convince her that mulder wants to kill her… so she will shoot him first, and then they can be together forever or something…

she says that it is all just a bad dream, and it’s in her head, but. well. here she is. interesting rationalization on her part. i would have expected her to pull the folie a deux card.

maurice hands her the car keys, saying that mulder is acting out "an unconscious yearning from the deep-seated terror of being alone” <- so would that make him a threat? does he genuinely want to convince her that mulder is going to kill her so they can always be together?

mulder’s pounding on the door and yelling for her. she takes the keys and tells maurice to open the door. she has her gun trained on him….

she doesn’t believe him that mulder wants to kill her!!!!

mulder opens the door… and asks where scully is… AND HE SHOOTS???????

WHAT!!!!

okay, but he’s not shooting HER!!! he's shooting nearby though, so please be careful. she’s scared!!!

why is he being crazy!!! look at that physical acting!! he's deranged!! he says all that is out there is loneliness!!! AND THEN HE SHOOTS HER FOR REAL????

she falls over as she bleeds into her white blouse…. he stands over her, saying “merry christmas, scully”

but!!! it was really lyda that took his shape to shoot her!!!!

so he didn’t REALLY do any of that???? but scully thinks he did!

he runs in, finds her bleeding out on the floor!!! “i didn’t believe that you’d do it”

OHHHH, but then it must not really be scully either, because as she is bleeding out, she shoots HIM!!!

but it was really just lyda and maurice playing around???

SO IS SCULLY HURT OR NOT????? JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!

scully is crawling away dying as "have yourself a merry little christmas" plays, and mulder is also crawling with a gaping stomach wound- or are they really the ghosts taking their forms? i don’t KNOW!!

they’re crawling toward each other, their blood and gore all over the floor, and here i ask: what the fuck is happening? mulder’s yelling after her, and they both have their guns pointed at each other.

she asks if he’s afraid, and she says she is, and he admits he is too; “i didn’t shoot you, you shot me!” so their stories diverge...

they’re rolling around in their blood and dying. hey guys. merry christmas.

but then he gets up, and says she’s not been shot, and neither has he!!! it was all a trick!!!!

they run outside, and there is no blood on them at all!!! they get into their cars and drive away!!!!

so, were they in pain like they WERE shot? did they feel like they were dying? or did mulder realize that it was weird he was in no pain despite being shot and then got up and defeated their ghostly tricks?

lyda and maurice lament how they almost had those two, and how christmas is another joyless day of the year- but not for them. “no, we haven’t forgotten the meaning of christmas”; they hold hands and then fade away

STOP! they’re making me sad!!!!

mulder’s at home, watching a christmas carol alone. and it seems to be his usual couch he has back, so i wonder if he managed to restore all of his things after the morris redecorating incident!!! he looks so sad, though!!!

there’s a knocking at his door…. he is suspicious…. it’s scully!!! she couldn’t sleep!!! oh, she asks to come in- she must be so nervous!! she never asks to come in!!! he grabs her by the shoulder

he poses a great question: “aren’t you supposed to be opening christmas gifts with your family?” (she did mention it around a billion times)

“mulder… none of that really happened out there tonight. that was all in our heads, right?” <- ohhh… what do you say to this… a proposed collective hallucination??

he waits a second. “it-it must have been”

(this, too, is FASCINATING. he never agrees with her rationalizations! why does he do it now? does he want her to have some peace for the holidays? i suppose a collective hallucination is less concerning than upending your entire belief system, but not by much!)

they’re both sleep deprived and mumbling about the ghosts poking at their biggest insecurities:

“not that, uh, my only joy in life is proving you wrong”

“when have you proved me wrong?”

“well, why else would you want me out there with you?”

“you didn’t want to be there? oh, that’s um, that’s self-righteous and… narcissistic of me to say, isn’t it?”

“no… maybe i did want to be out there with you”

AWWW, they have no idea wtf is going on, but look at the way he is LOOKING at her as she nearly falls asleep standing up, OH!!! i could cry!!!

they said they wouldn’t exchange gifts, but he has something for her!!! when did they say they wouldn’t do that?!! and he broke that promise anyway!!! look at his big stupid smile!!! look at her face when she sees it!!!! 

and she has something for him too!!! and they run to the couch and open each other's gifts! but we don’t get to see what they are!!! 

and as the camera pulls away, we see snow falling out of the window!!!

OHHH, MY HEART!!!!

man… 

lyda and maurice might actually be the ideal relationship. because i want to haunt people romantically forever. that is so beautiful.

oh, how did we manage to get such excellent character analysis AND silly fluff in one episode??? i feel like i’m going crazy!!!

okay, my biggest question: did he really take her keys??? no one says it outright or not!! it’s implied, but not confirmed either way!! if he did take her keys, that is not a point in his favor. but it would speak to the character flaws maurice accused him of having, in a drastically oversimplified sense. did he steal her keys and make her come out there so he wouldn't be alone on christmas? how can someone be so selfless and selfish?

hold on, i need to watch them open the gifts again… he’s shaking it around, trying to figure out what it is!!! and she’s laughing as she tries to pop it open!!!

ohhh my GOD. i need to go take a nap…….

they’re not lonely!!! they have each other!!! and even the ghosts tease them about having feelings they aren't admitting!!! 

scully was completely ready to just die on that floor, LMAO 

oh, she was so scared!! but she still meant business! she was going to have those ghosts stand against the wall and lift their hands, even if that meant she was going to faint!!

(when faced with people with holes in their body, usually she would not faint, but alas. she is used to this on dead people and dead people alone)

there are definitely some thing in this episode i am still trying to work out logic-wise (was lyda shot in her stomach or her chest? did she change where she was shot to mess with each of them? was lyda pretending to be scully for like, the whole thing after they first met? so how much did they actually experience in their own bodies? and therefore, it was the ghosts that were shooting them, not scully and mulder shooting at each other- but they both ended up fake shot in the end, and then the ghosts hoped that if they have them real guns, they would finish the job- right? how can we analyze the different strategies the ghosts used on each of them to convince them to shoot the other- telling scully that mulder is a danger to her, and telling mulder that if he does this, he will never be alone? is that a foreplay thing for lyda and maurice?)

but overall, i got the gist of it and enjoyed it very much. i think there will be plenty to turn around in my head and analyze for many moons to come. 

and i might sound like a rabid MSR truther, but i would very much like to think that they fell asleep on his stupid little couch after exchanging presents and felt each other breathe for a bit to make up for their exhausting evening before scully left to go deal with her family.

she needed to talk to him first before she did all of that family stuff… she was so bothered by it… and the way he just agreed with her that it was probably all in their heads… is he doing that to try and reassure her everything is okay, or is he agreeing because he doesn’t want to think there is any meaning to it??? 

GOD! i need to turn this one around in my brain for a bit.

the set was also super cool. i wanted to pause and look at stuff!!!

i am very pleased. i would have been likely even more so pleased had i watched this a month ago, but now i can go back and watch it every christmas as i desire! definitely a nice change of pace from the previous christmas episodes that shall not be spoken of in this post. 

but it was a very good episode, even if i am trying to crack the specific character implications (which will continue at length in the tags). some of y'all have had 25 years to do a deep dive into every line, reflect on how the characters see themselves vs who they truly are, and so on, but given that i have had 1 day, i have a lot of catching up to do!

(i would be interested in reading an analysis on this episode, or many other episodes, but those analysis posts tend to always have spoilers in them for things that happen down the road. so i shan't)

oh, scared, shaking scully, starting out apologizing for spooking lyda, then waving her gun around until they did what she said so she could find her mulder…. lifting up maurice’s hat and then passing tf out… rambling all about human nature and irrational fears as she was spooked by the scary old house… refusing to believe mulder would hurt her, and then having to confront the vision of him doing so... UGH!!!!! i just cannot TAKE IT!!! i hope they had the merriest christmas ever after this!!

it looked like she got him a video tape?? maybe a book? but it looked more like a tape to me. and what did he get her in that tube!! a poster of some sort, maybe?? i can’t think of many things that come in tubes. maybe he got her a nice print for her apartment walls. she loves her prints. 

tonight, i shall dream beautiful dreams of being a ghost with the one you love forever and making sure that you keep your scary reputation, lest the tourists stop visiting you. 

[dreamingofscully]

6x18. “Milagro” - X-Files Rewatch

Lots of analysis below. So much to unpack with this episode. An EXTREMELY significant episode for Scully related to her feelings about and relationship with Mulder. This analysis goes into more depth in general, rather than a stream-of-consciousness observational post like my others tend to be.

Also, fanfic! I have a post-ep that I’d love y’all to check out that I wrote a while back in attempt to explain what happened with Scully in-between Milagro and The Unnatural.

Bated Breath (AO3), rated G, 2198 words M/S UST, Post-episode (Milagro) Mulder drives Scully home from the hospital.

Onwards for analysis and speculation.

The soundtrack for this episode is amazing. Love the beating heart that Mark Snow incorporated.

At the beginning, the symbolism of Padgett removing his own heart. It reflects the emptiness of his heart, his incapability of having love, but the burning passion he believes he is capable of, with which he pursues Scully.

At Padgett’s stare, Scully is creeped out, but she is also curious. That someone would look at her so boldly and with such obvious lust, when she’s tried to think of herself as separate from such things for so long. 

Padgett wills things to happen, using his writing as a tool, a FOCUS, to channel his powers. He manifests things - the psychic surgeon (representing Padgett’s dark side), the lightbulbs not working, etcetera. He uses his creepy stalker insight to profile how people will act, then writes about it, but he can’t alter emotions, only manifest what is already there. (If he could make people think and do whatever he wanted, he wouldn’t have given up so easily when he recognized Scully’s love for Mulder.)

Mulder and Scully sitting close on his couch.

Padgett suggests that Scully sticks to science and facts because otherwise she’d be viewed as weak and soft. Perhaps this is partly true for other people, but NOT for Mulder. Padgett doesn’t know her history, what she’s afraid of, the real reason she’s kept herself from believing for so long. However, Scully IS influenced by Padgett here - she stands up for herself (makes herself tough instead of soft) when Mulder makes her schedule for her and goes off to do her own investigation.

The burning heart tale that Padgett tells Scully: “Christ came to Margaret Mary his heart so inflamed with love that it was no longer able to contain its burning flames of charity. Margaret Mary... so filled with divine love herself, asked the Lord to take her heart... and so he did placing it alongside his until it burned with the flames of his passion. Then he restored it to Margaret Mary sealing her wound with the touch of his blessed hand.”

He wants to reenact this story with her, not realizing that her heart already belongs to another.

As Padgett tells Scully intimate details of her life it makes her incredibly uncomfortable. She’s an intensely private person, only lets in a few people. But here is some stranger who seems to KNOW her. How did she not know she was being watched? What other things does he know? It would bother her from a professional point of view as well as a personal one.

That someone thinks of her this way - a purely physical attraction rather than something cerebral and mutually respectful like she has with Mulder - it unsettles her. But his influence makes her more aware of her desires, the feelings she’s walled away for so long and hasn’t let herself acknowledge.

The conversation between Mulder and Scully in the autopsy bay is very interesting. Scully is VERY OPEN about what just happened between her and Padgett, something that is pretty unusual for her. She admits to being frightened, she tells him that this creepy guy knows “too much information and intimate detail”, and then openly challenges Mulder to do something about it. Scully KNOWS what Mulder will do.

Mulder’s uncomfortable almost-smile when she tells him. How fucking real is that. I don’t know about you guys but I find myself smiling at the most inappropriate circumstances, so this hits home for me. (Thank you DD.)

Mulder and Padgett try to intimidate each other in the elevator. Don’t fucking mess with Scully! Mulder’s brooding walk down the hallway. 🔥 🔥 🔥

The love scene. Padgett writes what he wants to be true. He can influence the thoughts of others but cannot control them like Modell - only an encouragement in a particular direction, a manifestation of emotions already present. Scully’s disgust and fear is tempered by her curiosity of the strange and mysterious neighbour, which is why she ends up at his apartment. Padgett misinterprets her intellectual interest as romantic in nature.

“Loneliness is a choice.”

The implication: she can choose, at any time, to NOT be lonely. That she knows she’s lonely. What’s holding her back? This season was SHIT for Mulder and Scully’s relationship, but an undercurrent for her throughout the years she’s been his partner - fear. She’s scared to take that last step, to have him know all of her. For fear of death, of losing him. Being alone is safe.

Padgett talking to her like she’s an object, something to serve his writing rather than someone with a CHOICE. Another thing that reveals the emptiness of his heart.

The fantasy that Padgett has about Scully is meant to happen after she enters his apartment. The mugs in the fantasy are the same ones they drink coffee from, and in the fantasy they are still steaming hot. The lamp doesn’t light because it is off in the dream (another example of his ability to affect the physical but not the emotional).

I love the symbolism of Scully looking out the window in Padgett’s bedroom. She’d see something similar out of Mulder’s apartment, just slightly different. But enough to make a difference. She feels desire, she has love in her heart, but only for Mulder. Padgett can never be a replacement, no matter how many words he writes.

Padgett believes they are headed to the bed, to the love scene he described in his writing. I don’t think it would happen even if Mulder hadn’t interrupted them. Regardless, Mulder is a wild card - he didn’t account for him to burst through the door, didn’t write about him, so Mulder can act independently, outside of the story.

Mulder’s jealousy at seeing Scully there with Padgett. He’s tense, tearing through his pages, heedless of the destruction he’s causing, handles Padgett roughly. Mulder manifests his frustration as aggression, and this time it’s extremely personal. From now on the interactions that Mulder has with Padgett are filled with tension. You can see that Mulder just wants to fucking MESS with this guy. Part jealousy, part protectiveness.

Padgett’s assertion that the characters choose the writers. Does he believe that Scully chose him? That the psychic surgeon isn’t merely a manifestation of the evil and emptiness in his own heart?

In the jail cell, Mulder moves forward to intimidate Padgett but Scully’s touch instantly pulls him back. This is Padgett’s first glimpse at the connection between Scully and Mulder. Up until now he’s only been observing Scully by herself, and listening to them talk in Mulder’s apartment. Now, though, he realizes in their FIRST INTERACTION in front of him, that she is in love with him. All the things that he’s seen regarding Scully’s interest in him have been misinterpretations.

Mulder confronts Scully in the hallway about her part in the book. Just a note that Padgett watches their interaction here as well, confirming his initial thoughts about Scully’s love for Mulder. I think he’d also realize Mulder loves her back, but in Padgett’s mind, who wouldn’t?

“You know you're in here, don't you?” - Mulder “I read a chapter. What does he say?” - Scully “Well, let's just say it ends with you doing the naked pretzel with "the stranger" on a bed in an unfurnished fourth floor apartment. (pause) I'm assuming that's a priori, too?” - Mulder “I think you know me better than that, Mulder.” - Scully

Mulder’s look while biting his bottom lip. Scully’s licking her lips here, too. Hnnng.  🔥 🔥 🔥

After realizing Scully can’t love him, Padgett writes this: “Grief squeezed at her eggshell heart like it might break into a thousand pieces its contents running like broken promises into the hollow places his love used to fill.”

A parallel to how Padgett is feeling himself. Or “thinks” its how he should feel, if he had a heart.

Mulder and Scully standing close at the graveyard. Scully touches his back when getting him to back off from the suspect.

Their argument - taking opposite sides.

Scully is compelled to feel less negative about Padgett, and doesn’t feel he is capable of murder, he’s just strange and mysterious. Also, she wants to believe that it’s just an innocent attraction. (Please PLEASE let someone normal be attracted to her for once!)

AGENT SCULLY IS ALREADY IN LOVE. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Padgett is looking DIRECTLY at Mulder when he says this. Afterwards, Mulder takes a quick look at Scully, who has a very vulnerable expression on her face and does NOT look at him.

Padgett’s statement makes Scully’s feelings REAL - they are something that EXISTS in the world. She can no longer deny it, push it away. Also, the fact that Mulder is RIGHT THERE, that he KNOWS, too.

Things can’t go back to normal, especially after the ending of the episode. I don’t think Scully wants them to. I think she chooses not to be lonely.

Padgett starts writing and talking to Naciamento/his dark self. His subconscious knows what story needs to be told. He needs to steal Scully’s heart to place it next to his, to have her in death if he can’t have her in life. This is the ending that only makes sense for this story - he wrote it to have her fall in love with him, for them to be together, but now it’s impossible.

Padgett’s comment that Scully has been “trying to get his attention”. Through her interest in Padgett? This is possibly a misinterpretation, but it also might be something she’d do, though subconsciously. In my headcanon, Scully’s been trying to get Mulder’s attention for fucking YEARS, so perhaps he is correct. She wants Mulder to see her as someone with needs and desires, not just his partner.

They sit closely on Mulder’s couch for the surveillance. 

The difference between Scully on Padgett’s bed, and Scully on Mulder’s couch (bed). At Padgett’s, she’s sitting up straight, very uncomfortable, like she could leap up and aim her gun at his head if he tried anything strange. At Mulder’s side, she falls asleep because she’s so trusting and comfortable with him.

Padgett wants to prove he can love, so he uses whatever power he possesses to sacrifice himself and heal Scully. From the burning heart story: “he restored it to Margaret Mary sealing her wound with the touch of his blessed hand.”

Destroying the book and thus destroying his dark self isn’t enough. Scully is already hurt, bleeding everywhere. He also needs to heal Scully, and does this through his sacrifice. This is the reason I believe that Padgett’s powers come through himself, he doesn’t really need his typewriter or even a physical copy of his stories to manifest them, he just uses them as a crutch. Perhaps it was how he developed his powers - his insight into human nature through his writing.

When Mulder hears the gunshots, he rushes back to Scully. It’s interesting to think that Mulder nearly cost Scully her life. Her bullets may not have killed Naciamento, but they summoned Mulder, enabling Padgett to burn the book, sacrifice himself and thus save Scully. In essence, she saved herself despite Mulder’s innocent interference.

“A chance to give what he could not receive.”

Instead of killing her, Padgett decides to give her the gift of life and love. He knows she loves another, that her heart is full of love unlike his own empty heart. 

Scully’s breakdown.

She was about to die. It was the closest she’s come and in the most horrifying manner. Death is her greatest fear.

Being faced with something obviously supernatural (shooting Naciamento to no effect, being wounded then miraculously healed) would also make her confused and vulnerable - not being able to explain what happened and put it in a box.

The emotions she’s been trying desperately to repress have been brought to the surface this entire episode. 

More speculation/final thoughts:

This season has dealt with Scully’s fears quite a bit, but mostly with her inability to accept paranormal/unexplainable phenomena. She also holds another fear - death. And it’s consequence? She’s afraid to let people in, let them close. After her remission, she tried to take the chance - to let Mulder closer, to give her heart to Emily. When she’s burned by taking these chances, she buries her feelings again. She’s too scared to take another chance, and the tension between them lately has not been conducive to any sort of positive change in their relationship. The emotions brought to the surface in this episode come bursting forth at the end. Scully doesn’t try to hide them. She lets Mulder see her whole heart, her whole self - fears and all.

Through sharing her entire self with him, Scully’s changed. She can’t go back to pretending and hiding. Her fear about dying, about getting too close, doesn’t matter. I think that Scully’s lightness in the preceding episode (“The Unnatural”) shows how far she’s come.

She reveals her vulnerabilities to Mulder, her softness; his embrace of her as she lets her walls down is cathartic and freeing. Scully knows what she wants, and now her love is “out there”, a tangible thing that they are BOTH aware of. No more second-guessing, misinterpretations.

Later in season 7 (“all things”), when Scully has her breakthrough about her beliefs, she has a similar cathartic experience (her vision in the Buddhist temple). In this episode, her breakthrough is emotional and related to her feelings about Mulder instead of intellectual/spiritual and deeply personal.

I think this episode is where I diverge from much of the fandom in terms of its significance to the MSR and Scully. I don’t think they can go back from this (along with things that happen with Mulder in the next episode). I’ll talk about a few more things in my “The Unnatural” post. If you disagree, that’s fine, but… I just love the idea of them having more time together, and I like the way my theory works! <3

If you want to know more about what I think happened after this episode, I’d love it if you’d read my fic “Bated Breath”. I feel that it expresses my thoughts pretty well about what I thought Scully went through, and where Mulder was as well.

[atths--twice]

The next few chapters are longer and this just feels like it needs to be posted today. It’s a happy bit of fluff and love and something I wish we had seen. Hell, I wish we had seen ALL of this, but hey.. that’s what fic is for, right? 

Chapter Forty 

Coming Home 

Mulder and Scully have some things to tend to, and things to tell one another, before they begin their journey back home together. 

March 2018

Mulder drove the car with Scully beside him, unable to keep the grin off his face. He had been indescribably happy for the past two days, and he did not see that changing anytime soon.

“You could at least attempt to stop grinning like a fool,” Scully said, looking at him with a smile of her own.

“No can do there, Scully,” he said with a shake of his head. “Not a chance I could rein this in.” She laughed and shook her head, while he grinned wider.

“You know that feeling you got the first time you kissed someone? And you thought about it for days after, as if nothing could top it?” he asked and she nodded, raising her eyebrows. “And then you do it again and it’s even better, and you think nothing could top that. But then you have sex for the first time and … whoa.” He shook his head, spreading his hands for emphasis, and she laughed. “But then, you have sex again, and it’s even better? You know that feeling?” He glanced at her and she nodded, a huge smile on her face. “Well, all of that doesn’t even begin to measure how I feel right now. So, no, I cannot attempt to stop my smile.”

She laughed and shook her head again. “Wow. You’re really working at trying to get laid, aren't you?” she teased, and he waved a dismissive hand at her.

“Psssh, that’s in the bag. I’m not concerned about that, it’s a done deal,” he shrugged and grinned.

“Oh, really? You know that for a fact, huh?” she asked, grinning at him.

“Oh yeah. No worries there. I mean, have you seen this?” He pulled at the dark grey t-shirt he wore and wiggled his eyebrows at her. Her eyes roamed over him, and she raised her eyebrows at him.

“Mm-hmm, I’ve definitely seen it,” she said with a wink.

“Then you know, and I know. So, yeah, it’s in the bag.” He let go of the shirt, winked, and took her hand in his, once more grinning like a fool.

“Well played, Agent Mulder.”

“Why, thank you, Agent Scully.” He nodded, and she laughed, squeezing his hand.

They were on their way to Alan’s house. The work had finished while they were recently in New York and now they had to inspect it and Scully needed to sign all the remaining paperwork. A delivery truck was scheduled to meet them there, bringing the items Scully needed to replace, and then they were packing up any of her remaining items. After the house, they were headed to the hotel to pick up her things, before heading home.

Home. Finally.

Mulder looked over at her again and shook his head, happy and feeling incredibly lucky to have her in his life. To have this second, God no, more like his millionth chance to be with her. This time was going to be better.

When they pulled up to the house, he let go of her hand and turned off the car. They both got out and walked to the front door, finding Gary just inside the house, on the phone. He waved to them and motioned for them to head down the hall. Mulder followed her down to the bedroom where she stood and sighed as she looked around. The room looked great, everything was repaired and ready for the items that would soon be delivered.

“Hey there. Good afternoon,” Gary said as he walked into the room. “Looks better than the last time you saw it, eh?” Scully turned to him and nodded with a smile. “We had to rewire the room and repair the alarm system. The carpets, walls, window. It’s been a big job, but it looks good.”

“You did a great job,” Scully agreed and looked around again. “Hard to tell there was any damage at all.” She sighed and looked back at Gary. “Okay, let’s go see what this damage will cost me.”

“Us,” Mulder said, and Scully turned to look at him. “What it will cost us.” She stared at him and sighed as Gary wisely gave them some space. “This was mostly my fault, so I should be the one paying.”

She shook her head and turned toward the door. “Really seeing just how much that t-shirt will get you, huh?” She raised her eyebrows at him, and he grinned as she walked out of the room. As she did, through the new bedroom window, he saw the delivery truck pull up and he went outside to meet them.

The next few hours were spent unloading and arranging furniture, cleaning out closets, packing and loading up their car, and cleaning the house. The delivery guys and Gary left sometime before Scully was ready to leave. She wanted to be sure everything was in perfect condition.Alan was coming home in two days, and she was nervous over the appearance of the house. 

“Scully, it looks nearly identical to how it was before, stop worrying,” Mulder said as she walked the house once more, tweaking the position of a chair or moving a bowl on the coffee table. “Besides, considering how angry he could have been, Alan was incredibly understanding.”

“I know, Mulder,” she sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “Of all the responses he could have given, hearing his gleeful laughter was not one I was expecting.” She shook her head, and Mulder smiled, remembering her look of astonishment when Alan had called back and she explained what happened. He could hear Alan laughing through the phone, and Scully looked at Mulder with wide eyes.

“I’m looking forward to meeting him soon.” Mulder laughed as she began to shut off the lights, seemingly satisfied with everything, finally.

“Yeah, that will be an interesting day,” she said with a grin and then paused, an odd look crossing her face.

“You okay?” he asked, frowning at her, as he stepped closer. She closed her eyes and put her hand to her mouth, shaking her head and taking a deep breath.

“Ohhh … yeah I’m okay. Probably just doing too much, and I haven’t really eaten today. Think I’ll grab some of those rosemary crackers from the box in the car when we leave, then we could grab some food on the way to the hotel?” she asked with a small smile as he searched her face for any other signs of discomfort. “I’m okay. I just need to eat.” He nodded slowly, and they looked around once more before she set the alarm and closed the door.

“One down, one to go,” she said quietly as she reached for his hand. He squeezed it and grinned at her.

They grabbed a bite to eat from a taco place she liked, before heading to the hotel, Scully seeming to feel better after she had eaten. Packing up the hotel room was much faster, the majority of her things repacked into suitcases and travel bags. The items she brought from her mother’s house, were put back in a box and set by the door. Once everything was ready, they loaded up a luggage trolley and Mulder pushed it down the hall.

Scully sighed beside him and he glanced over at her, asking her questions with his eyes. She smiled softly and touched his back. “Two down. Now we go home.” He pulled her to him as they waited for the elevator to do just that; begin their journey home.  

The drive to the house was quiet, but her hand on his knee and head on his shoulder was not. Her fingers circled slowly around and around his knee, not overtly sexual, but it was definitely arousing him.

“Are you happy, Mulder?” she asked softly when they were almost home.

“Am I happy?” he echoed back in surprise. “After all I said this morning? First kiss, first sexual experience, all that?” She exhaled a small laugh and then sighed. “Are … are you happy, Scully?” His worries suddenly sky high.

“Mmm,” she hummed, her hand holding his thigh, her thumb rubbing softly. “Christmas morning, first and last day of school, first time having good sex, and first time really falling in love. Real love that can’t be stopped or denied. Does that answer your question?” He smiled and covered her hand, holding her fingers tight.

“Show off,” he said, bringing her fingers to his lips and kissing them as she chuckled.

They pulled up the driveway a few minutes later, and he stopped the car, turning off the engine. She lifted her head from his shoulder and turned to look at him. Staring at each other, they both took a deep breath. She squeezed his hand, and he kissed her lightly on the lips.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I am very much aware,” she answered and he pulled back to look at her. She moved her hands to hold his face and smiled. “I love you, Mulder. Your stubbornness and relentlessness makes you who you are, and it’s why I fell in love with you-”

“Scully …” he said softly, wanting to apologize and fix the things that happened as a result of those specific traits.

“Mulder, I know. Things will be different, they already are. It is who you are and those traits can, have, and will continue to be used for good. It’s how I like my Mulder,” she whispered with a smile. He stared at her and sighed as her thumbs stroked his lips, and he closed his eyes.

“This is the beginning, Mulder,” she whispered. “When we cross that threshold, it’s a new beginning, and I welcome it. It’s the reparation we need and deserve. Four years to get back here … we’ve figured it out and come out on the other side, better than we were before.” He took a deep shaky breath and nodded, opening his eyes to look into hers. She smiled, and he kissed her softly, her thumbs stroking his face.

He pulled back and smiled at her, kissing her once more before taking the keys from the ignition and getting out of the car. Scully started to walk to the back of the car and begin unloading it, but he stopped her, taking her hand and leading her up the stairs.

“Mulder, the car-”

“It’ll keep,” he said, locking their fingers together and stopping at the door. He looked at her and sighed, reaching for her other hand. She smiled and gripped tightly to him.

“This spot, right here,” he said quietly, looking down and she followed his eyes, before looking up again. “I fell to my knees as I watched you leave. I don’t know how long I stayed here, but … when I stood up, it felt like my heart was gone and prepared to stay here, waiting for yours to return. I swear to God, I could hear it mocking me constantly. Some fucked up version of Poe that I both hated and welcomed. I needed it, needed the reminder any time I left the house, that something was missing and yet remained.” He let go of her hands to wipe her eyes and hold her face in his hands. “Today, Scully, today I welcome it back, as we take this step forward together.” She took a deep breath and nodded, holding his wrists.

Moving his hands and pulling her to him, he held her before they opened the door  and entered their home together. It was almost as though he could feel his heart coming back to him as they stood close together. A spot that was once a source of sadness, now would bring happiness. She pulled him closer, her arms tight around his waist, and he held her tightly.

Everything in the car could wait, the only thing he needed was right there in his arms. The contents of the car could, in fact, disappear for all it mattered to him. So long as she was there, their hearts healing together and finding their way home at last, nothing else was of importance.

______________________________________________________

Thinking of them packing up, going home, and reconnecting the past to the present makes me incredibly happy. I love them finally in the place they need to be.

[admiralty-xfd]

the whole truth

Chapter One: The Lie | Chapter Two: The Push | Chapter Three: The Descent

Chapter Four: The Split | Chapter Five: The Beginning

Chapter 6: The Thick

ST. HEDWIG HOSPITAL

BERLIN, GERMANY

NOVEMBER 1994

“Cassandra Spender?”

Diana knocked on the door of the hospital room, pushing it gently. The woman in bed sat up, seeming eager for a visitor.

“Come in, please,” she said politely. Diana walked over and held her hand out.

“I’m Special Agent Diana Fowley with the FBI,” she greeted her. “I’m just here to ask you a few questions.”

“About my abduction, you mean.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Well, yes,” Diana said, sitting across from her.

Her assignment over the past couple of years had been contacting abductees and tidying up after The Company’s experiments were over. Whatever information she gathered through official FBI channels would mysteriously disappear to maintain the secrecy of the project.

She’d done it for so long now it didn’t even seem wrong anymore; she knew these experiments were crucial to the very survival of the human race. She was well aware of the Machiavellian lows she’d been asked to sink to; but the ends truly did seem to justify any means necessary.

At least she convinced herself of that when things got confusing.

She’d met with countless people, particularly women, all over Europe, listening to their stories. MUFON members were specifically targeted by the Company for the tests because they were convinced of the lie that had been tailor made for them: that they’d been abducted by aliens, not men.

The second scenario would raise questions. The first would only raise eyebrows.

“It says here you were involved in the Skyland Mountain incident a few months back, and that wasn’t the first time,” she says. “What are you doing in Germany, if I may ask?”

Cassandra looked a bit dreamlike. “I felt a great desire to come here. It’s hard to explain, but ever since my abductions… I seem to go where I feel called.”

“I see you’re a member of the Mutual UFO Network? You believe you were abducted by aliens?” Diana settled back into her chair, waiting for yet another alien abduction story. It was a common refrain, and she knew by this point the ins and outs, the inner workings of the Company, what was expected of her.

“They’ve taken me many times. The aliens told me I was a prophet,” Cassandra explained. “This has been happening to me for years and years, but I’ve finally decided to stop hiding, to stop lying.” She smiled at Diana. “I want to live my truth, Agent Fowley.”

“I see,” she said. “And what makes you so certain you were abducted by aliens, Ms. Spender?”

Cassandra leaned over, picking up a copy of The Times from her bedside table. She leafed through it to find a page she’d dog-eared and handed it to Diana.

There, in the margin, was a tiny photograph of Fox. It was odd to think of him still out there, still existing in a life that didn’t have her in it. But there he was.

She scanned the article and saw that Fox had been intimately involved in the Skyland Mountain incident she’d been sent to help clean up. One of the abductees, Duane Barry, had died mysteriously after claiming multiple abduction scenarios. Fox was the only person who allegedly believed his story.

Still doing his thing, she smiled inwardly. It was comforting, in a way.

“There are people out there who believe,” Cassandra said. “If this man believed Duane Barry, maybe he’ll believe my story, too.”

Diana smiled, knowing Fox certainly would. And she was beginning to see how he was quickly becoming the “Mulder problem” she’d heard about from the Elders in that meeting a while back.

“I’m sure there are lots of people who will believe you, Cassandra,” Diana smiled.

And even though they’re all correct, they’ll be passed off as crazy just as you will be.

Just as Fox will be.

DIANA FOWLEY’S APARTMENT

DAS WASSERTOR WOHNUNGEN

BAHNHOFSTRAßE 19

BERLIN, GERMANY

SEPTEMBER 1995

Sweaty.

It was her favorite descriptor; her favorite thing about him. He was always sweaty. It evoked passion, restlessness, fervor. And those were the things she missed the most, especially in bed.

Diana turned to look at the man next to her. She didn’t like him very much, but the sex was always incredible. Always fast, always hard, always exactly what she needed. And there was rarely any talking. Almost everything that came out of his mouth was a lie anyway. She knew he didn’t want to lie to her, so she let him use his mouth in other ways.

She was using him, but she was allowing herself to be used as well. Personal relationships, even if she’d desired one, were impossible now. Against the rules. Putting the project at risk for the sake of personal pleasures was not something she was supposed to do. But she had needs, and so did he. They’d decided to break the rules together.

He lay beside her, breathing heavily, exposed. Whenever it was over they usually pulled apart and lay silently side by side, minds drifting to whatever else. Whoever else.

She rarely thought about Fox anymore but for some reason tonight she did. She found herself trying to remember the last time they’d slept together before she left. It had already been so many months since they’d been intimate before then, she hadn’t given it much thought at the time, but now, with almost four years behind her since they’d last been in each other’s arms, she allowed herself to regret.

“Same time tomorrow?” her companion murmured from beside her.

She rolled over and looked at him, sex appeal oozing from his pores just like the sweat she’d put there over the last several minutes.

“I have to travel. Back in a few days,” she said. She reached over and brushed a lock of his hair out of his face. It was usually short but appeared unruly tonight.

“A few days?” He sounded disappointed, as disappointed as he ever sounded. He covered her hand with his and slid it down to his lips, kissing it. She didn’t love him, never would, and she knew he didn’t love her either. But he always treated her well in bed.

“Back next Friday.”

“That’s a long fucking time, Diana,” he said.

“I’m sure you’ll manage.”

He rolled back into the pillow and sighed loudly, rubbing his eyes. She thought of his sweat seeping down into the pillowcase and looked forward to having the scent of a man in her bed when she returned.

“We’ve gone longer,” she pointed out. “And I’m sure I’m not your only option.”

He didn’t say anything. She didn’t really give a shit who he slept with while she was away. All that mattered was that he was here when she wanted him.

“Do you ever wish things were different?” he asked out of the blue. He was still staring up at the ceiling.

“So many things,” she offered. She would not get specific.

“Sometimes I wonder what I’d be doing if I ever escaped all of this.”

His words surprised her; it was so unlike him to speak so openly this way. But Diana wondered, too. She’d become somewhat different over the past few years. Her goal had always been the same, however; changing the world. Doing something important. Discovering, learning, advancing.

She’d never known what his goals were, not really. He probably wouldn’t tell her the truth in any case.

“I don’t want to escape this,” she said carefully. She didn’t want to be in a position where she’d have to reveal him or be revealed to the Elders as some kind of traitor.

He rolled over, half on top of her. “You don’t have to lie to me, Diana. You’re not cut out for this crap. You don’t have the stomach for it.”

She pushed him off her, hands on his chest, hard.

“What do you know about what I’m cut out for? You don’t know a thing about me.”

His eyes narrowed. “I know you’re the best fuck I’ve ever had,” he amended, eyes flashing. She smiled at him in spite of her anger. It didn’t really matter what he thought about her anyway, as long as he thought that.

Maybe it was a lie, but she still liked hearing it.

His cell phone rang and he answered it. A brief conversation ensued and he hung up to look at her.

“Turns out I have to go, too. To the States.”

“For what?”

He gave her a look, the look that meant he was most certainly being sent out on a hit. She turned away.

“One of the Syndicate members. It’s a big one,” he answered.

She looked back, interest piqued. “Who?”

“Does it matter?”

It really didn’t. There were few she knew personally, much less their names.

“I have to go,” he said again. He leaned down over her, kissing her neck, down her body, and she could feel him hardening against her, so soon again. More of his sweat was trickling down onto her skin. It made her insides reawaken.

“One more time then,” she said, as he rose to meet her gaze, brown eyes black with lust beneath long lashes. “And make it count, Alex.”

ANNAPOLIS NATIONAL CEMETERY

SEPTEMBER 1995

Dana Scully was completely numb.

When she’d been abducted, her work had become personal, more personal than she was even aware.

But when her sister had been murdered, the personal entered brand new territory.

Mulder felt this pain acutely, she knew. He’d already lost a family member to this quest and he’d just lost his father.

“I know the truth, Mulder. Now what I want are the answers,” she’d said to him in the hospital.

He’d pulled her close and she’d rested her head against him then, just as she did now, as they stood side by side next to Melissa’s gravesite. She’d become accustomed to this kind of support from him, this kind of comfort.

She’d become accustomed to Mulder taking up every last inch of space in her life.

Yes, it was very personal.

“God, Scully,” he whispered into her ear. “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry this happened.”

“I know,” she replied. She didn’t want him to be sorry, she knew it wasn’t his fault. It was them. Them. The same ones who’d abducted her, who’d killed her sister. Who'd probably taken Mulder's sister. Who’d made them both an intricate part of this seemingly endless web of conspiracy of which she couldn’t see a way out.

“You almost died too, Mulder,” she said. “You were dead. I can’t believe you’re even standing here.”

“I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for Albert Hosteen,” he said. “He was… my savior, Scully.”

She snaked an arm around his waist, something she didn’t usually do, but it felt natural, like it belonged there. “I’m so thankful you’re alive,” she said softly. He rubbed her back as they stood together silently.

“Take a few more minutes, okay?” he said gently. “I’ll go get the car.”

She nodded, and when he left she felt a bit emptier. Her sister was dead, and so was Mulder’s father, and for what? They hadn’t found any answers, they hadn’t brought anyone to justice. She wondered if they ever would.

After a few more minutes she felt a presence beside her and turned in surprise.

“I am very sorry for your loss,” Albert Hosteen said gently. “It is hard to know why these things must happen. But answers come in time.”

Scully nodded, smiling gently. “Thank you for coming,” she said. “Today, and at the hospital.”

“Of course,” Albert said. “I wanted to be here, but I also wanted to tell you something. Something important.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“A white buffalo calf was born among my people the same time your partner was revived,” he said to her. “This may not mean anything to you, but to my people it is a sign. I believe great change is coming for you both.”

“What kind of change?” Scully asked, confused. "What do you mean?"

Albert looked at her for a moment, as if unsure how to proceed. “When the time comes, you will know,” he finally said. “You’ll know in here.” He brought his index finger above her heart and pointed. Then he smiled and walked away, his departure as mysterious as his arrival.

2630 HEGAL PLACE, APT 42

ALEXANDRIA, VA

APRIL 1997

“Do you remember anything, Mulder?”

He sprawled on his couch and Scully leaned back against him from her position on the floor. He’d been released to her medical supervision after firing six rounds into the wall at the Martha’s Vineyard residence. She’d brought him home and didn’t intend to leave him alone.

“Bits and pieces, I guess… but I don’t remember a whole lot before you came into the house, to be honest.”

Scully turned slightly to look at him. “No, not tonight,” she clarified. “I’m talking about your sister.”

Mulder looked at her. “I’ve told you what I remember.”

Scully wanted to tread carefully. This was a sensitive topic for Mulder, obviously. But she’d long suspected his eagerness to participate in deep regression hypnosis had troubling implications. The more a person was willing to believe, the more they could potentially be led, and she’d feared from the start that this was what may have occurred in this case.

“I know what you’ve told me you remember since your regression, but not from… before.”

Before. The word sounded strange on her tongue. For a moment she reflected back even further in his life and found it hard to imagine, as if any notion of a life before Samantha’s disappearance for Mulder was, for lack of a better word, alien.

“You mean before my memories were manufactured, right? Is that what you’re suggesting, Scully?” He sounded defensive, and she didn’t want to argue. She just wanted a moment of honesty, a moment of disclosure.

“No, Mulder. I’m not suggesting that at all,” she said gently. “I just…I want to know, I want to know more… about you.”

The incident with Eddie Van BlundHt a couple of weeks ago was mostly something she wished they both would forget, for several reasons. But it had stirred up so many feelings inside her about Mulder; primarily the idea that she had thought she knew him, but now realized she didn’t really. Not at all. Not when it came to the personal. And she felt an ache come over her, an ache to know him in a way she never had before.

She caught his eye and hoped her expression mirrored her thoughts, her willingness to listen. She watched his eyes soften as they flickered in color: mossy, chartreuse. Mulder. How did they do that?

“Before the regression I didn’t remember anything,” he said.

This surprised her, as she’d always suspected he’d concocted the alien abduction scenario during his childhood and his regression had only furthered that tale.

“I guess… the shock, the trauma. The terror, even… I must have blocked everything. She was there one minute and then she was just gone.”

Scully let this information settle. It was looking more and more likely Mulder had in fact been led. He’d been led down a path as an adult that ended at an answer that was as irretrievable as his sister.

“My parents never blamed me, ever, but… I blamed myself.” He stared up at the ceiling and she leaned back into the couch, watching him, her cheek settling very close to his thigh. She just listened. “I don’t think they ever knew how much I blamed myself, because we never talked about it. They fought all the time, and I knew it was because of what happened to Samantha. They didn’t have to say it.”

She tried not to think about herself, compare herself to Samantha, but in this moment she couldn’t help it. Mulder was nothing if not a martyr to his cause, and that included the guilt she knew he felt about her own cancer; that due to some horrible twist of fate she’d landed herself with him and received this disease as punishment. She didn’t see it that way, but she suspected Mulder did. And it had all begun when he was twelve and took responsibility for losing his sister.

She couldn’t imagine what that had done to him, to his psyche. To his heart, his mind, and his soul. To everything that made him the man he was right now, in this room, lying here next to her.

“I didn’t know how to deal with that kind of guilt. I was twelve, then thirteen, then fourteen. Life moved on without Samantha and I had to as well. The only way I knew how to deal with any of it was to forget it happened. So I tried that for a long time.” He was still staring at the ceiling. “A long time.”

“Until you decided you wanted to remember?” she asked. He nodded. “What made you decide?”

He hesitated then, as if there were something on his tongue that refused to slip out. Something he was holding back.

“My, uh… my ex convinced me, actually.”

Ex. Huh.

“You mean… Phoebe Green?” she asked.

He sighed. “No. Someone else. After.”

An odd sensation ran throughout her body. A college relationship was one thing. The idea of Mulder maintaining any kind of romantic, adult relationship seemed surprising to her. She felt bad for thinking so, but she did.

He’d revealed more than she’d expected already, and she didn’t want to push, but goddamn, was she curious.

“And the layers keep peeling back,” she said, as playfully as she could, echoing a sentiment he’d directed at her a couple of years earlier. She was eager to know about this ex-girlfriend now, but there was no way to take a detour from the topic at hand. She could only hope it would come up again someday.

“She was a psychologist, and she… thought the regression would be helpful.”

Scully nodded. “And was it? I mean, are you glad now, in retrospect, that you did it?”

Mulder shifted on the couch so he was on his side, looking at her. His arm was tucked underneath a throw pillow and she was so close to him she could smell the dried sweat on his white T shirt. She tried not to think about how good he smelled, how masculine, how much she missed having a man in her life in the kind of way Mulder couldn’t be.

“If it brings me closer to the truth,” he said simply. She had known that would be his answer.

“And… if it pushes you further away from it? What then, Mulder?” She honestly wasn’t trying to be combative. She wanted the truth, too. But she was starting to realize the lengths to which he would go for his truth and they were terrifying.

“I don’t know, Scully,” he sighed, and he wasn’t irritated or upset, just exhausted. He’d had a rough few days, so she couldn’t be the least bit surprised.

Scully wasn’t sold on hypnosis. As a scientist, she felt the method itself was questionable at best, and it had raised plenty of eyebrows in the medical field. She had no idea who this psychologist ex-girlfriend was, or what she knew of Mulder, but Scully felt immediately resentful of her, distrustful. Protective of Mulder. This woman should have known better.

This woman should have known him better.

Scully smiled just then, realizing maybe she knew Mulder better than she thought she did, after all.

The topic finished for now, she wanted to get him to bed, to get him comfortable. “Come on, Mulder, get up. Let’s get you into bed.”

“No,” he said immediately. “I’m fine here, Scully.” She never really understood why he insisted on sleeping on his couch all the time. She worried the man never slept, not really. She didn’t even know if he had a bed, now that she thought about it.

“Well, I can’t leave you alone, Mulder. It’s been court-ordered.”

“It’s fine, okay? You know I’m fine, I know I’m fine. I won’t rat you out. You can go on home, Scully. Thanks for driving me.” He turned over on the couch until his back was to her, and she rolled her eyes, knowing he fully intended on sleeping right there.

“I’ll go, okay? I’m just gonna sit with you for a few more minutes.”

He didn’t answer, and as she watched him shifting to get as comfortable as humanly possible on that couch, with its well-worn Mulder indentation, her hand reached out of its own volition to touch his back. She felt the same heat radiating off his skin as she’d felt in that house, and feeling it once more was an odd comfort. She rubbed his back softly, between his shoulder blades, and the tension she felt began to ebb with every passing second. She heard him sigh, contented, and it was probably one of the best sounds she’d ever heard him make.

After a couple of minutes she knew he was asleep. But she lay down on the carpet next to him, still rubbing his back, until she fell asleep herself.

DIANA FOWLEY’S APARTMENT

DAS WASSERTOR WOHNUNGEN

BAHNHOFSTRAßE 19

BERLIN, GERMANY

MAY 1998

After nearly ten years working for the Company, Diana Fowley had seen her share of shit.

She never lied to herself that she didn’t want to be there; she did. But as the years passed she’d had to turn a blind eye to many, many things. Bad things that she knew were the reason this work had to be protected and kept secret.

Experiments. Assassinations.

Lies.  

She’d always been a proponent of the philosophy that the government had a right and responsibility to protect its secrets, and the secrets this group held were similar; proportional to the protection they gave them. By a certain point she wasn’t sure if anything was out of the realm of her capacity to compartmentalize. Sometimes the work was dirty and it still needed to be done. Diana was tough, and she rarely backed down from anything.

She’d made her choice and she never fooled herself about that. It was preferable in her mind to sacrifice the few rather than allow the entire world to perish.

For the good of the project, for the good of the world. A mantra she repeated daily.

Even if she wanted out, she knew it would be beyond difficult. Diana Fowley didn’t have a job she could just quit.

It had taken years, but ever so surely she was beginning to earn the trust she’d sought. The relationships she’d formed with some members of the group were beneficial to moving up from simply an employee of the Company to the upper echelon: the Syndicate.

Particularly the relationship she’d formed with him.

As mysterious and murky as the trail of cigarette smoke that followed him wherever he went, his name was Spender, and that was all she knew of his personal life. She’d been intrigued by him since the day she laid eyes on him in Senator Matheson’s office; the way he commanded a room, the way he never lost face. Even in times of disruption and chaos he kept his cool, and he always seemed to know what to do.

She admired that.

He’d taken her under his wing, brought her into his circle of trust. She still hadn’t ever seen another woman in a meeting with the Elders and was certain she was the highest ranked female in the Company, which pleased her.

She also admired a philosophy Spender had imparted: Don’t become part of someone else’s cause or crusade. Pursue your own self interest, always. Losing herself in this work completely had never been intended or desired and the fact that he was giving her permission to avoid such an outcome was one more thing she admired.

Unfortunately, just as she felt she had been gaining some footing within the hierarchy, Spender had been shot in his apartment. His body hadn’t been found. It had been a year since that happened, and although she held out hope that he’d somehow survived, she felt over the past several months that she’d started over at the bottom yet again.

She lay on her side, restless, staring out the window at the Berlin nighttime sky. She actually loved it here, so far away from everything she’d left back in the States. It made the work somewhat easier knowing everyone she knew and cared for in her life was nowhere around to witness it.

Alex was asleep in bed next to her. After he’d been banished from the Syndicate they hadn’t seen much of each other for some time, but he’d found his way back into their web again. He hadn’t shared the details and she didn’t really want to know.

Alex’s cell phone rang from her nightstand. He rolled over to answer it, and as he did, her own phone rang as well. He eyed her meaningfully and slid off the bed, taking his phone into the other room. She sat up and answered her own phone.

“Agent Fowley, ” the voice said. It was one of the Elders.

“Yes, sir?”

“Your scheduled trip to Tunisia has been changed. We need you back in Washington immediately. There’s been… an incident. ”

Washington. She felt a coiling in her gut and cursed herself inwardly for only just ruminating on her contentment living in Germany.

“Why me, sir?” She rarely questioned orders but this was indeed unusual. And she’d be lying to herself if she didn’t admit she was extremely nervous to be going back home. Back to, presumably, the Hoover Building.

Back to where Fox most certainly was.

“There’s been an assassination attempt, on the life of a young boy who is vital to the Project. The FBI believes the man who was shot was the target; they have no reason to believe otherwise. But we need this boy protected until we can get him back in our custody.”

“What can I do?” she asked.

"We’re putting you on the task force. Just keep him safe and await further instructions. A car will arrive for you in an hour.”

The man hung up and she sighed. She had no idea how long she’d be gone this time, she never did. As she slipped out of bed naked and headed to the bathroom, Alex rounded the corner, hanging up.

“I have to go,” he said.

“Me too,” she replied. He started pulling his clothes on and she watched him. “Where are they sending you?”

“Canada,” he said. He pulled on his jeans and caught her eye as he buckled his belt. Simple tasks were more difficult for him since he’d lost his arm, and she briefly considered helping him dress but he looked away. She turned to go into the bathroom and then heard his voice again.

“Diana.” She turned back around. “Smoking man’s alive.”

She stared at him, amazed. “He’s alive?” she asked. “How did they track him down?”

Alex shrugged. “Guess I’ll have to ask him, won’t I?”

He pulled his T-shirt over his head, which was a bit of a task, and grabbed his jacket, walking up to her. He traced a finger from her temple down her neck, all the way down her naked body until his fingers rested on her hip. He only had one functioning hand but with it he could sure work wonders.

She had to ask. “Alex…” she was unsure of how exactly to phrase the question. “Do you think it’s possible one of ours actually tried to murder a child?”

He looked at her half-lidded and squeezed hard, gripping the flesh of her hip, and pulled her against him. “I told you you didn’t have the stomach for this work.”

She closed her eyes, knowing the truth. But there was another truth; that she’d allowed herself to drift far from the person she knew she used to be.

She wanted nothing more than to make him stay just a few more minutes, tear his clothes off again and let him make her forget what she’d become.

But she didn’t. And he didn’t.

He went to Canada. And she got into the shower and washed him off her, thinking instead of the possibility of seeing the fox again.

[ms31x129]

The end is here Chapter 7! I went simple with this DJ Jackson/William was shaped by 2 couples who loved him. That’s at the heart of this incredible story, imho.  @cultureisdarkbeer @monikafilefan @today-in-fic

Chapter 1 - Courage to Jump Tumblr LINK  AO3 it is HERE.

Chapter 2: Luck of the Irish Tumblr LINK or AO3 it is HERE.

Chapter 3: Graffiti of the Heart Tumblr LINK or AO3 HERE.

Chapter 4: Leave Your Demons At The Door Tumblr LINK or AO3 HERE.

Chapter 5: Truth Is the Pain Inside Our Hearts Tumblr LINK or AO3 HERE.

Chapter 6: Final Destination Tumblr LINK or AO3 HERE. 

Chapter 7: Full Circle <<AO3 Link or if you like Tumblr you know the drill clickity-click on the Keep Reading link below. 

{Summary:

Jackson’s journey has come full circle, but what happens before it finally comes to an end?}

“Everything has a way of coming full circle. It takes patience and perseverance to see a dream through… to close that circle. Because some dreams, like some circles, can be much bigger than others.” -Karen Dale Trask

The fresh spring breeze tousled Jackson’s unruly hair. It either frizzed or flopped around his cowlick and left him consistently smoothing it down more often than not. He couldn’t help but wonder who he’d gotten that trait from: Mulder or Dana? Would he call her Dana or Mother or… Mom? Not that. He didn’t think he could ever find it in his heart to call anyone Mom again.

Jackson couldn’t help but think back to the moment he first spoke face to face with his birth mother. After hearing her heartfelt confession in the morgue, the one that made his gut tumble to his toes, he made a silent promise that he would talk to her at some point in the future. He just had no idea that the chance to make good on that promise would present itself so soon after he made it. He had just endured the worst day of his life after witnessing his parents lying lifeless on the floor covered in blood, and then hearing the words of a mother he never thought he’d meet left him reeling. Using Ghouli for selfish reasons had him feeling overwhelming guilt; yet seeing her and Mulder, under the guise of an illusion at that off-the-beaten-path gas station, had softened the ironclad armor he was trying so hard to construct around his heart...

The bell attached to the gas station door chimed and a tall man walked in.

“Can I get $40 on the SUV out there, please?” Jackson could see the attendant in his peripheral ringing the guy up as he popped a sunflower seed in his mouth. He watched the man turn to him and nod up at the TV where the Pirates and Nats were tied in the bottom of the 4th inning.

“You follow baseball?” His voice was low and smooth in a familiar sort of way that flowed over Jackson with ease.

Feeling a wave of goosebumps spike across his arms, he glanced over inside his illusion and directly locked eyes with the man his birth mother had embraced in the morgue: Fox Mulder.

Slowly nodding, Jackson answered, “I’m a Yankee’s fan myself.”

“Me, too!”

“Too bad I’m leaving town. Maybe, we could have caught a game,” Jackson sighed, confused that he actually meant it.

Mulder shrugged and scoffed at the pop fly to the pitcher's mound. “Yeah, maybe.”

“I bet a G-man can get good seats.” He nudged Mulder’s arm and pointed to the exposed badge sticking out of his jacket pocket.

Mulder narrowed his eyes at Jackson, the same ones he saw in the mirror every day. “Good eye.”

He huffed. “Gotta have one nowadays.”

Mulder smirked, nodding in agreement, and a flicker of sadness washed over his face as the screen focused in on a father and son laughing as they cheered on their team. “Years ago, I had the hope of taking my own son to a game.”

A knot began to form in Jackson’s throat. He cleared it and decided to leave a little something for the obvious emotionally worn-down man standing nearly shoulder to shoulder with him. “Well, maybe one day you can. Don’t give up.”

The smell of baked goods caught his attention and the memory of his first encounter with his birth father faded. He ventured over to the small mom-and-pop shop called “Little Virginia’s Bakery and Novelty Shop” with a renewed sense of purpose and food on the brain.

“Perfect!” His empty stomach rumbled in agreement.

For being an out-of-the-way shop, the little place held a few farmers, a family of three, and an elderly couple tucked away in the back. The sweet scent of cinnamon and sugar filled the air and Jackson’s mouth watered instantly.

“Hi there!” The silver haired woman stood from her corner table to greet him. “Welcome to Little Virginia’s. Hungry?” Her brown eyes trailed him from head to toe, assessing his dirty, worn jeans, well-loved jacket, and mussed hair. Jackson was sure he would hear a grandmother-like lecture about taking good care of himself; one he knew he’d never heard from one of his own. But, instead, she smiled and nodded to the bakery case. “How about I get you a nice carb-filled breakfast while you take a look around the place? Can’t help but assume you just might like something you see.” She pointed to the baseball on his shirt from his Freshman year travel league team—which he was reluctantly kicked off of for skipping too many practices.

“Uh, sure, okay. Thanks,” he stammered, unsure of what she meant by that yet followed her gaze to the wall behind him. Gasping, he wandered over to the large shelving unit filled with snow globes. “Wow!”

The wall was covered with a wide array of different sized globes. Each one was unique in design and meaning. Just like the collection back in his room that he’d never see again, he thought bitterly. He scanned each shelf from top to bottom, searching for one that called to him. It was something that he and his mom used to do on family vacations when they visited tourist shops.

Jackson slowed his mind and chose not to fight against the happier memory tickling at his brain of his very first snow globe that sparked not only the start of his collection, but his interest in all things cryptid...

“Jackson? There you are! I’ve been looking for you,” his mom chastised, grabbing his arm and kneading it between her fingers. “You wandered off again and left me wondering where my son’s imagination had decided to lead him this time.”

He sighed, hoping he wouldn’t be grounded later because of the strong attraction to what was staring him in the face at the moment. “Sorry, I just saw this and liked it.”

With a ruffle of his thick hair that dipped along his forehead, his mom chucked. “That certainly is an… interesting snow globe.” Jackson shook it and the white, glittery flecks swirled like a storm. “Why this one? It doesn’t seem to fit your space-themed bedroom.”

A grin spread across his chocolate stained mouth. “Oh, it does, Mom. Just like with outer space, there’s mystery behind the existence of Sasquatch. You know, guesses...”

She shook her head. “Theories, you mean,” she corrected, “just like with space. Jackson, you are too smart for your own good, you know that?”

His mom teased yet it was the truth; and he knew it. He knew a lot of things he wished he didn’t. “Yeah, I do.”

“Hey, kid!” A deep voice snapped Jackson’s eyes open and back to the shop. He stared at a man through one of the large glass globes and nearly laughed at the distorted fun house image he saw looking back. “You alright?”

“Yeah, uh yes, I’m fine,” he said, quoting his usual line when anyone asked how he was. “Just checking these out. I used to collect them, actually.” He wasn’t sure why he was sharing personal information with a stranger. He’d never done that before, but the kindness in the man’s eyes reminded him of his dad.

“Used to?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, just haven’t added to my old collection in a few years.”

“Well,” the man started as he adjusted his hat, “looks to me like you’re ready to start a new one.” Jackson raised a brow and watched as the man went and sat back down in his chair with a smirk peeking out from his mustache.

As Jackson continued to look through the mass of watery globes, he considered that the old man was right. Starting something new was exactly what he was hoping to accomplish. Just then, a ray of sunlight struck the glass on a small, circular one out of the corner of his eye. It sat on the shelf nestled in a row of sports themed snow globes. The one he felt compelled to touch left him baffled at the significant meaning. If he weren’t fully aware of the pain-free feeling in his skull, he might think the image inside the globe was a snapshot of a future vision.

Holding it up into the light, the tiny people inside painted an exact picture of a life that Jackson thought he was never meant to have.

A man stood on the pitchers mound, arm wound back in an arc, ready to let loose a curveball with the way his fingers were gripped around the seams. The batter was a boy with brown hair who leaned over the plate, wooden bat cocked back and poised in the air. There was a woman sitting on a grassy hill near the boy, strands of her red-gold hair were fisted within a tiny infants grasp cradled in her arms. In that moment, Jackson actually believed that fate was calling.

Over an hour later, Jackson had made it to the desolate Wallis road, his belly full and spirits lifted, but a part of his heart remained heavy. Nature called, so he found a tree among the weeds to relieve himself. As he zipped back up, in the far distance he noticed the roof of the house, and reality punched him square in the solar plexus. Would the DoD pick up his trail? By taking these next steps, did it place them all in danger? Maybe they had moved on and were a happy family without him—complete and worry free.

Maybe, his trek should end where he stood.

His thumb rubbed the glass auricle buried deep in his jacket pocket; the crinkled letter folded next to it worn by years, travel, and his own perspiration poked at the back of his hand. Both of them provided reassurance. Perhaps, another link from the past held an answer along with some courage. There was still one line left to read after all. Carefully, with trembling fingers he unfolded the paper and the heart-wrenching words flowed freely from his lips.

“And in that moment, you will be blessed… and stricken… for the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart .”

An explosion of images seared through his brain in a rapid fire of painful impulses, like an electrical storm burning across his neurons. He was assaulted by her face, her voice, her scent... It was then that Jackson refocused, the revelation that he had returned to a monumental moment in the past—a crucial turning point, as he began to walk his mother’s path one last time.

March 22, 2002

Her hands shook as she closed the door and entered her dark, silent apartment. She tore her purse, shoes, and jacket off in the entryway and let them fall carelessly to the floor. Her heart beat wildly within her chest as intense anxiety buzzed through her body, like a saw blade humming through flesh. Pushing it away yet again, she stumbled through the dim hallway, stopping abruptly as she came to a cracked open door.

She gasped, taking in the sight of the empty crib. Ignoring the voice in her head that Jackson could hear screaming for her to run—to hide and shut it all away, she allowed her fingertips to dance along the cool wooden bed where her son should lay dreaming. With a trembling chin, she reached in and grabbed his cream blanket, the one her mother had knitted for him when she hadn’t yet known to use pink or blue.

“Mom…” Jesus, her mother will never understand; she might always blame her for searching for answers to obscure questions when her miracle was held within her arms. She slammed her eyes shut as the memory of her mother’s advice played out behind her lids for Jackson to witness…

February 18, 2002

Sliding her arms into her jacket as she prepared to leave, she said, “Mom, it’s important. I wouldn’t go if it weren’t.”

Frustrated, her mother shook her head and clutched baby William tighter against her hip. “Yes, I know, Dana. You say it’s about getting answers.”

Shaking her head, she sighed and her eyes flicked to her son playing with his grandmother’s sweater, blissfully unaware of his role in life. “Answers about William, Mom.”

“I know you’re worried about him—that there are things about him that you just can’t explain. But, even if you were to get those answers, what would it change?���

With emotions flaring, her voice trembled as she tried to explain in the simplest way possible. “Mom, he’s my child.”

Refusing to back down and stay silent, she pleaded with her daughter to listen. “And you have to love him and raise him in spite of everything.” Stepping closer, her mother’s tone softened as her hazel eyes met watery blue. “Dana, God has given you a miracle. A child that wasn’t supposed to be.” Gazing down at her grandson with pride, she offered, “Maybe, it’s not to question—just to be taken as a matter of faith.”

Feeling lost and alone with horrible thoughts swirling of what secrets may be out there regarding her son, she stared at her mother’s worried expression and told her the truth. “Mom, I can’t take this on faith. I need to know,” she explained, soothing William’s soft, fuzzy hair, wishing she could fully trust what her heart was telling her. “I need to know if it’s really God I have to thank...”

Jackson felt his mother stiffen as her own memory melted away. Her eyes snapped open yet the residual turmoil of her mother’s words remained entwined like barbed wire within her chest.

“Oh, Mom...” she whispered and bit her lip until it hurt almost as much as her heart.

She inhaled a deep breath, her knees buckling at the strong baby scent and that’s when she saw it: her own withdrawn, broken reflection in the small mirror hung above the rocking chair. How could she look herself in the mirror ever again and not see someone who had simply given up, who didn’t have the courage to stand by her son and fight to the death to protect him? His father would have if he were here. Yet, she sent him away to keep their son safe, and now she was left with nothing.

Guttural cries finally burst free from her mouth, the awful feeling of guilt and sadness overwhelmed her. Pressing the scent of their baby boy to her face, she screamed into the yarn of the blanket as her emotions warred on. Her mother: a God-fearing woman who forgives as easily as she loves, would never forget what her daughter had done here tonight.

Emptiness echoed in the silence, fatigue pulled at the weariness beneath her lids as her fingers ran along the soft stitching connecting the satin to the plush cotton. Her body felt hollow, like a shell that held nothing but an ocean of tears and shards of glass wedged between her soul and her heart.

It hurt to be in her son’s room where he slept and played and nursed and listened to her terrible singing and… it hurt to breathe. “Oh God, Mulder, please forgive me.”  

A heavy layer of sorrow covered her chest, suffocating her. The reality of her decision surrounded her with every shallow breath she took. “Mulder, I’m so sorry,” she whimpered, fiery tears burning her down the column of her throat. “Our truest truth… our son, he’s held us together and now… and now desperately apart.”

No matter if her choice was right or not, William was their son: a living breathing product of their everlasting love, their miracle… and now he was gone. No matter her constant worry of the safety and origin of the miracle she held within her arms every day—had loved unconditionally the moment she knew he existed; she had willingly given away a part of her and Mulder’s love. A love so strong that it conquered the impossible and produced a wondrous gift. In that very moment, she knew she would carry this heaviness in her heart until the day she died. And Jackson felt her terrible thought that just maybe, she deserved to.

He felt his mother slipping away from his grasp as she road the roaring tide of her emotions. She and her gut-wrenching sobs were fading, drifting off into darkness where he knew she would rebuild her fortress of stoicism in order to survive, dimming the remaining light in her life as the vision did the same for him.

Time stretched like a rubber band connecting the past to the present. Jackson separated achingly slow from his mother’s grief with images fading into the back of his mind as his own anguish took hold.

“Ah, dammit!” The sheer agony that had coursed through her veins was enough for Jackson to still taste the metallic remnants of blood from her gnawed bottom lip within his own mouth. The upheaval of emotional static was in his head, shredding it from the inside—the side effects of constant fears and self-doubt. The selfless suffering felt from an unconditional love took away a piece of him as it took from her, unraveling the purity in his soul.

He felt his chin tremble uncontrollably, like it did when he was nine and was teased on the playground for being “weird.” He felt it: the last remaining bricks of the wall that stood to protect and uphold his heart crumbled, leaving him bare and exposed. The flashback sucked the breath from his chest and he folded, collapsing into himself and driving him to his knees.

Squinting up at the sun with a sheen of sweat across his brow, he clenched his fists, blanching his knuckles as nails dug deeply into the palms of his hands. Slamming them to the ground, Jackson screamed. The sound piercing the early afternoon sky like an air raid siren, unleashing the remaining demons from the scars that had refused to heal. The agony left his lungs with the strength of a gale force wind, begging the sun for its rays of light to soothe away the darkness. The torment felt as though it ripped his muscles, bones, and flesh to shreds. His dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears and the dam burst when his emotions surged against it. Crystal beads streamed from his deep blue eyes as heaving sobs tore at his throat and wracked his chest—the weight of his grief pressing him into the ground where he knelt.

Within the last year, he had cried all of three times: the night of his parent’s death, once out of sheer loneliness, and now from the effects of this letter. These words from his mother had saved him from the monster, the one indifferent to suffering and sorrow, and got him to feel.

Jackson dug into the dirt with the balls of his feet and pushed off, taking mighty strides as he sprinted before even aware of the conscious decision. His bag bounced along his shoulders, his long dark colored locks whipping back and forth behind him as he leapt large rocks and dodged roots. Charged with adrenaline surging through his veins, he had to keep running forward; nothing would stop him now. As quick as his long legs could carry him, his shoes hammered the hard earth that mimicked the pounding in his chest. The smell of bark and pine invaded his nostrils, his burning lungs begging for air, but Jackson embraced the pain. His shirt clung to his form, damp with sweat and tears and he ran, feeling her presence like he could feel her mind. He finally let down the mental barrier he had held up against reaching out and into her mind, liberating him.

All the signs, all the things leading him to reach this very path was fate; it had intervened and he knew now—felt it now… William needed to come home.

Now, the boy who had always felt split in two was whole. Now, he was finally fine . He was free.

By the time he reached the gated driveway to the property, the pain had dissipated as hope and truth dominated. One hand rested on the cold iron; his limbs on fire as he panted, trying to catch his breath. The well-worn house stood taller now—a simple A-frame with a couple dormers and extended front porch. The fence surrounding the property consisted of many shades of weathered wood, time and sunlight painting it several grayish and brownish hues. Beyond its confines stood a patchwork quilt of several grasses and wildflowers, sewn together by a dusty road. For a glimmer of a moment, he envisioned a little sister running through the rolling grass, chasing a dog to hug and cuddle, the puppy stealing licks while they laughed in amusement and drank tea on the front porch.

Jackson pulled open the heavy gate and stepped onto the familiar ground his feet had yet to tread. A deep breath calmed his rising nerves, as did walking through the tall wheat grass swaying in the open breeze. It all reminded him of his childhood farm and working the fields with his dad.

The land here grew wilder than his dad would allow, although so did he and, he suspected, so did the pair that occupied that house. He continued on, the rhododendrons now in full bloom overpowered the nearby flowers. They greeted his senses and he became more engrossed, living in the moment like he had never experienced before. This was real. His futuristic visions foreshadowed death and hellfire, reeking of ash and rot. But here, only birds sang and thick, green foliage swayed with the breeze, covering the sound of distant traffic.

For so long his thoughts never stopped spinning, visions of pasts and futures, the constant questioning of himself was nothing but a furnace of pain hidden beneath a forced smile and occasional happiness. All of that stood silent now. For the first time in his life there were no thoughts, only instincts. Ones that he trusted. So he continued walking along the gravely dirt driveway, up the worn steps to stand at their faithful door.

Somehow it all made sense, that the flashback visions would take him back to where this all began, bringing him full circle to find the truth; taking him back to the night where his old life had ended and was given a new one. The night William M. Scully became Jackson Van de Kamp. He was both Jackson and William, he realized: Chimera born—one boy with two sets of parents who loved him. One remarkable teen with a remarkable past standing on the porch of an unremarkable house, hoping to share a future with those who sacrificed everything for him.

Jackson had navigated his way through his birth mother’s past and his own—effectively finding himself during a time when he was truly lost. And, now, the son of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully would finally cross their threshold as his whole self, an open book written in a language only they could fully understand.

A flutter of nervousness began to churn in his gut. He shut his eyes, inhaling a deep breath and counted to ten, recalling what his dad had told him to do when he felt this way. Those familiar words of wisdom embraced him, giving him the push he needed to let loose three confident knocks to the squeaky screen door. Footfalls and muffled voices could be heard through the oak door and his heart pounded through his shirt.

A smile pulled at Jackson’s lips when he realized that he was standing inches from the proverbial edge of what was his leap of faith for a new beginning, completely unafraid and committed to jump.

[sunflowerseedsandscience]

By the Dim and Flaring Lamps: Part Two, Chapter Two

Part One: One | Two | Three | Four Part Two : One

JULY 6, 1863 NORTH OF FREDERICK, MARYLAND

The mile-long walk back to camp, completed in near-total silence, is not nearly as awkward or as uncomfortable as Scully would have anticipated that it would be.

No, the discomfort does not come until two days later, when the regiment makes camp for the night, taking the extra trouble to set up tents for the first time in days. It's at this point that Mulder suggests- innocently enough- that he and Scully continue the pattern that they had begun some nights before, and share his tent.

"Believe me, no one's going to think twice about it, especially not once my promotion is officially finalized," he promises her, when she tries to protest. "Not to mention yours. It makes perfect sense that the colonel would want his aide close at hand at all times, in case he needs anything."

"Yes, but... in the middle of the night?" Mulder shrugs.

"They'll just assume that I'm particularly demanding. I'd rather they do that than have you end up being found out through some unfortunate accident that comes about as a result of you having to share a tent with some other soldier, one who has no concept of privacy. If I'm the colonel, you can bet that absolutely no one is ever going to come barging into my tent unannounced. Your secret will be much safer that way."

Logically, of course, Mulder's proposition makes perfect sense. Every single time that Scully has come perilously close to being discovered thus far, it's been as a result of her sharing a tent with several other men. Bunking with Mulder every night instead would eliminate that problem once and for all. And it's not, as Mulder has pointed out, as though they haven't done it several times before.

In practice, however... it's not nearly as much of a non-issue, not now that Mulder knows the truth about her. At least, it's not for Scully.

"You don't need to sleep all bundled up, you know," he tells her, as she stretches out on her sleeping roll fully-clothed. He's already divested himself of both his jacket and his vest, and is in the process of unbuttoning his shirt and shucking that off, as well. He yawns and lies back on his own sleeping roll in nothing but trousers and an undershirt, and Scully, scarcely a foot away, lies very still, staring up at the canvas roof of the tent, determinedly not looking at him. "Scully?" Still, she looks up and does not move. "Hey, Scully? You still awake?" He rolls on his side and pokes insistently at her arm through her jacket, and the brief contact, even through two layers of wool and cotton, sends a flash of electricity through her.

"What?" Against her better judgement, she turns her head to the side and looks over at him, doing her best to keep her eyes on his face, and not allow her gaze to wander down to the exposed skin of his lean arms, or to the muscles of his chest, on display in sharp relief under his suspenders and thin undershirt.

"Are you all right?" Mulder asks, concerned, and clearly oblivious to the true source of her discomfort.

"I'm fine, Mulder," she promises him. "I'm perfectly used to sleeping in my jacket by now. I've been doing it ever since I joined up." Mulder seems to accept her explanation readily enough; at any rate, he rolls onto his back and closes his eyes. He's asleep, for once, within minutes.

Scully, on the other hand, doesn't find it nearly as easy to drift off as she usually does. The regiment hasn't done all that much today- they'd drilled briefly, more to alleviate the boredom than anything else, but there had been no marching, nor any word of when they can expect to move out again, or where they'll be going when they do. With such an abnormal lack of physical activity, Scully is not nearly exhausted enough to shut down her brain and go to sleep.

This, right here, this hot and living energy buzzing in the air, all at once both uncomfortable and incredibly exhilarating, had been the exact reason why Scully had not willingly let Mulder in on her secret. It had been difficult enough for her to keep herself under control, to look rather than to gaze, to watch him warily and not longingly, because he undoubtedly would have found such expressions on the face of another young man to be, at best, discomfiting, and at worst downright disturbing. But now that he knows, now that he'll never again think of her as just another one of the boys, trying to hide how she feels from him will be just that much more difficult. There's little chance, now, were he to catch her looking at him in a certain way, that he would ever interpret her interest as anything other than what it really is.

Fox Mulder is unlike anyone that Scully has ever known before, in a multitude of ways. He's intelligent, but not constantly and supremely in awe of his own mind, the way Daniel Waterston so clearly was. He's open to new ideas, willing to put forth the effort to see things from another's point of view, even if it sharply contradicts what he already believes. On learning the truth about her, he had accepted it without argument, without expressing shock or amazement that a woman should make a good soldier. She's well aware of how few men would be so agreeable to the notion. Most men, she's certain, would have been adamant that a battlefield is no place for a proper lady. Most men would have seen what she had done as a scandal of outrageous proportions, and would have immediately demanded that she return home to her family, lest they be shamed by her actions.

Mulder had done none of those things. He had been surprised, without a doubt, and somewhat hurt that she had kept the truth from him for so long, but the idea of sending her away had not even seemed to cross his mind. She had already proven her competence beyond a reasonable doubt; her sex, learned after the fact, was then irrelevant to him.

She should be grateful, certainly... but in the hazy state just before sleep, Scully is able to admit to herself that, in reality, she would love nothing better than for Mulder to think of her sex as anything but irrelevant.

Morning brings no further clarity to the situation, not when Scully opens her eyes to see Mulder, lying on his side facing her, watching her with eyes full of what she's almost certain must be pure tenderness, though the expression is gone from his face so quickly that Scully can't be sure that it was ever there at all. It's entirely possible, she tells herself, as Mulder sits up and sets about re-assembling his discarded uniform, that she had simply imagined it into being.

But, then, why is he blushing?

Mulder's promotion to colonel of the Eighty-Third Pennsylvania is formally announced later that day, just after the announcement that Colonel Skinner is to assume command of the entire Third Brigade in Colonel Vincent's place. Both announcements are greeted with raucous cheering from the men, though there is no small sadness over the departure of Skinner, who has always been well-liked by the entire regiment. Scully's promotion to lieutenant seems to be accepted, by most of the men, as a matter of course, which comes as a relief. There are scattered grumbles about favoritism, to be sure, but they come mostly from men who would complain about anything at all, given enough opportunity.

The day holds one further surprise for Scully, though if she'd had the time to give the matter any thought at all, it would not have come as a surprise at all: she and Mulder are presented, following their promotions, with horses, and Scully is delighted. There is not much that she misses about home, these days, now that her father and sister are no longer there and her mother is so dead-set on convincing her to marry Daniel... but Scully badly misses her father's stables. They had not had many horses, but Scully had been extremely attached to the four that they did have. Riding had been among her favorite methods of escape since childhood, in spite of her mother's insistence that it was unseemly for a young lady to be galloping about the countryside with one leg on either side of a horse, rather than trotting along the roads in town in a proper side-saddle. Her father, of course, had waved such notions aside as being old-fashioned. If Scully could have found a way to sneak back home and take one of her family's horses before enlisting, she absolutely would have joined the cavalry, but such a venture had seemed far too risky.

The horse she is given is a spirited young filly, full of energy, excitable, but more than ready to do Scully's bidding, once she's gotten up into the saddle and has asserted that she is the one in charge. The feel of being in the saddle again is exhilarating, liberating, and Scully takes the horse on several circuits along the border of the field on which the regiment is encamped, before she reluctantly climbs back down and allows the animal to be led away and seen to by the regiment's grooms. She approaches Mulder, who has been leaning against a young sapling and watching her ride, a wide smile on his handsome face.

"I think that might be the happiest that I've ever seen you, Scully," he says, lazily acknowledging her formal salute (he's told her that she doesn't have to salute him every time, but she insists, arguing that her failing to do so could make the others suspicious, and at the very least, would attract the attention she's so desperate to avoid).

"It's been far too long since I've been on a horse," she says with a shrug.

"Well, something tells me that from here on out, you and I will be riding until we're both sick of it," he sighs. "We're to begin marching again tomorrow, but I'm not clear on where, exactly, we're headed."

"Where is General Lee?" Scully asks. "I thought that General Meade had decided not to pursue him after all."

"He did," says Mulder. "In spite of every general under him urging him to do otherwise, and in spite of President Lincoln demanding that he give chase, I've heard."

"Washington must not be happy with that decision," muses Scully.

"No, I don't imagine that they are," agrees Mulder. "Lee was severely weakened when his armies retreated from Gettysburg. He was on the run. And with all of the rain that we had immediately following the battle, you can bet his men were delayed crossing the river and getting back into Virginia. If we'd pursued them, we most likely could have ended the fighting in the east once and for all. Then the only thing that would have remained would have been for General Grant's men to end things in the west." He shakes his head sadly. "But he lost the chance, and who knows how long things will go on now?"

"So... you have no idea what direction we'll be moving now?" Scully asks.

"South. That's all I know," says Mulder. "It's possible we're heading for Washington, at least for the time being, with Lee's army being so close to it. Or maybe to Fredricksburg. I don't know." He gazes out over the horizon. "You know, if it does turn out that we're headed towards Fredricksburg, coming from this direction, we may pass by my family's home."

"Really?" asks Scully. The idea makes her unaccountably nervous. "Where do they live?"

"My father's tobacco plantation is near Culpeper, Virginia," Mulder says. "It's about thirty miles to the west of Fredricksburg. My family has a house up in Washington, as well, actually... we spent a good deal of time in the capital when I was growing up. My father's friend was always very active in Washington politics, and my father assisted him a good deal." Mulder looks down, scuffing the toe of his boot into the dirt. "Of course, they can't really use the house in Washington now, after the secession." Scully is quiet. Their respective families have always been a touchy subject- though, she supposes, her own family is no longer off-limits for conversation, now that Mulder knows why she's not in contact with anyone except her sister. She decides, recklessly, to venture into once-forbidden territory and see what happens.

"You never seem to write to your parents," she says, hesitantly. "Just... well...."

"Just to Diana," Mulder finishes, and Scully just barely keeps from wincing. "And sometimes I write to my younger sister, Samantha, as well... but I don't know if she's been getting my letters, since she never answers me." He shoves his hands into his pockets. "It's entirely possible, I suppose, that my parents have forbidden her to write to me at all."

"Were they that upset with you?" Scully asks. "For leaving home and joining the Union?" He nods.

"You could say that they felt that I was... working against the family's best interests, I suppose," he says. "My joining the Union meant I was supporting a cause that could cost them a good deal of money."

"By which you mean that they own slaves," Scully surmises.

"They're certainly not working the land themselves," Mulder says with a derisive snort. "Nor are they paying anyone to do it for them... unless you count paying for the upkeep on the shacks where their slaves live." He turns away from Scully, walking back towards their tent... but Scully can tell that she's not being dismissed, that she's free to walk with him and keep talking if she wishes. Which, of course, she does.

"None of it ever seemed right to me," Mulder continues, his voice quiet. "Not when I was a child, and certainly not as I grew older. Most of the other children I knew seemed to see it as the natural order: these people, who work our fields and clean our houses- and raise our children, even- are not truly 'people.' They are our property, they are ours to do with as we see fit." He shudders. "My sister and I, we didn't see it that way. But any attempt to question the status quo was shot down by our parents before we scarcely had the words out." He looks down as they walk. "When I was sixteen, my father took me aside and asked whether I understood just how much I was embarrassing him, espousing these 'ridiculously radical views,' whether I knew how much I was corrupting my younger sister, possibly making it impossible for her to ever find someone willing to marry her, when she was so apt to spout off subversive opinions at any given moment."

"Your father wasn't worried about your prospects for marriage, though?" Scully asks.

"It was always more or less assumed that I would marry Diana one day, after I had finished with my schooling," Mulder says with a shrug, and Scully winces again. "And Diana is about as non-political as it's possible for a person to be, so she never really cared about any of it."

"She didn't have any viewpoints on the matter whatsoever?" Scully asks, frowning. "It seems strange that you would be all right with that." Mulder looks down at her, eyebrows raised, and Scully breaks his gaze quickly. "I just mean... your beliefs were important enough for you to deny your family, to go to war with people that they perceive as the enemy. It just strikes me as odd that you wouldn't be at least somewhat bothered by her indifference towards something that clearly means a great deal to you."

"I didn't say that I wasn't bothered by it," counters Mulder. "But for Diana... she doesn't see it as affecting how she'll live her life, one way or another. She knows I'm not going to own slaves, regardless of who wins the war, so the outcome isn't really going to make a difference in the way that she eventually runs our household."

"Not for her, maybe," says Scully, unable to keep the disgust out of her voice now. "But it's going to make one hell of a difference for every man, woman, and child currently being viewed as nothing more than property. Isn't that enough to sway her opinion in one direction or another?" Mulder looks down at her curiously.

"You really don't like her, do you?" he observes. "And you haven't even met her."

"I don't need to meet her," spits Scully. "I'm sorry, Mulder, but that sort of self-centered attitude is abhorrent to me. Not caring about something as important as this just because she doesn't see it as having an effect on her, personally? I find that disgusting."

"Hey," says Mulder, his voice suddenly sharp. "You're talking about someone who's very important to me. I don't expect you to like her, but you don't know her, Scully. Not like I do. And I would very much appreciate you not passing judgement on her without even meeting her first. Not if you respect me or value my friendship at all." Scully lapses into a brooding silence, her anger stewing hotly in her gut.

She doesn't need to meet Diana in order to know how she feels about the woman. Anyone who can look at the suffering of a human being, of millions of human beings, and shrug it off as unimportant because she thinks that it's not going to have any impact on her supposed future household, is not someone that she trusts herself to meet- not without saying things that will likely result in Mulder never speaking to her again.

"Scully," Mulder says, as they approach their tent, "I'm sorry, okay?" He reaches out and touches her arm gently. "I just... I think that I'm probably not painting her in a very positive light, you know? She's a good person, she really is. And I just... don't like hearing her put down. I promise you, if you got to know her, you would like her, too." I doubt that, Scully thinks, but she keeps it to herself. She's well aware that there's no sense in pushing him too far, especially not now, when they're going to be riding side by side every day, when they're continuing to share a tent at night, when he's going to be relying on her to be his right-hand-man, presumably until the end of the war, whenever that may be.

"I'm sorry," she sighs, doing her best to sound sincere. She is sorry, after a fashion: sorry that she's offended him, even if she's not the least bit sorry for how she feels. "I guess maybe I just worry too much. The idea of letters with details of our regiment's movements being sent south, and potentially being intercepted by someone who can use the information against us... it's troubling." Mulder says nothing, but he looks thoughtful. "I only ever tell my sister Melissa where we are in the most generalized sense, and only when we're about to move on that same day, so that the information will be useless within hours. And those letters are going north to New York, not south to Virginia." Still, Mulder is quiet. "You want me to be your lieutenant, right? To be your right-hand-man?"

"I do," Mulder concedes.

"And would I be correct to surmise that my duties would include tactfully pointing out decisions that could, potentially, compromise the safety and security of your men?"

"You would," Mulder admits. Cautiously.

"Well, then, Sir, I respectfully submit that this practice of putting sensitive information about the position, plans, and movements of our regiment has the potential to endanger both you and the men under your command- not to mention the men of the other regiments marching and fighting alongside us. Not because of the trustworthiness of the recipient, but because of the possibility of such communications being intercepted." Mulder is silent. "Respectfully. Sir." Scully holds her breath... and after a tense moment, Mulder chuckles and shakes his head, smiling ruefully.

"You're going to make me regret this, aren't you Scully?" he says. "Making you my aide?"

"Not if you want someone who will always tell you the truth, even if I think that hearing it might anger or offend you," she replies.

"All right, Scully, you win," Mulder says, still smiling. "I see your point, and I concede that letters sent from members of our regiment- myself included- should contain only personal information and, at most, a general idea of our location- particularly if said letters are heading south." He looks at her pointedly. "Is that satisfactory?"

"Completely satisfactory," Scully replies, grinning. Mulder continues to look wary, though all traces of anger are gone.

"You're not going to let me get away with anything at all, are you?" Scully's smile widens.

"Not a thing," she promises. "Colonel Mulder."

[agentelmo]

The X-Files MSR Analysis Series: Season 1 Episode 7

“Ghost in the Machine”

Previous episode analysis - 1x06 Shadows.

This episode is another that is quite light on the MSR, although there are a few little moments that bring a smile to my shipper face, it’s an episode that both gives as well as takes away in terms of the MSR.  There’s a disappointing moment or two between them, but it’s balanced out by some instances which point to the future depth of their relationship.  

It’s unfortunate that two weeks in a row now we’ve had pretty paltry episodes, BUT I HEAR THE NEXT ONE IS GOOD THOUGH. HUR HUR HUR.

So the first thing we see in this episode is Mulder and Scully buying lunch which is freakin’ weird to see them doing something so normal.  I mean, it makes sense for them to be doing that, but the series gets so fantastical and overwrought with it’s own premise and mythology that the mundane aspects of normal life are often skipped over in later seasons.  Seems season 1 is truly a season that worked to ground the X-Files in some modicum of reality, making it oddly surreal to go back to a time when “Mulder and Scully buy sandwiches for lunch” was an actual scene.

Enter Jerry Lamana, an old FBI buddy of Mulder’s who is seeking him out.  There’s a really sweet moment here, where Jerry goes up to Mulder and just hugs him straight off without any awkwardness and Mulder seems genuinely surprised and happy to see him.

Look at that goofy little smile.  Nawww.  I think Mulder probably forgot what it’s like to have friends at work after leaving the Violent Crimes Section.

I thought this was a lovely little detail, because up until this point, we’ve been led to believe that Mulder is a pariah to most everyone at the FBI.  That since he started work on the X-Files, no one takes him seriously nor do they want him around.  But it wasn’t always that way.  

We know little of his FBI career before the X-Files, other than what we learn in the Pilot, which is that he was once a highly successful criminal profiler with the VCS and rose to prominence very quickly.  This is our first glimpse into what kind of man Mulder was back then, and how others saw him and interacted with him.

Scully, bless her, can’t help but smile at this display of male bonding.  She clearly finds it pleasantly surprising to see Mulder be this friendly with someone.  She’s used to people treating him like a social leper.

Then this peculiar moment happens.

What is that look Mulder gives Scully?  A look of guilt, perhaps?  You can read the words “oh shit” all over his face.  He seems to be genuinely concerned for how she will react; just realising he’s never told Scully he had a partner before her.  

But is that something he should feel guilty for, like it’s some kind of betrayal?  Does he imagine she might think “wait, I’m not your first?!”  After all, Mulder is the only partner Scully has ever had, having become an FBI instructor straight out of the academy.  

It’s highly indicative of how blurred the boundaries are in their working partnership, even at this early stage.  It’s honestly reminiscent of a guy bumping into his ex while being out with his new girlfriend.  Realising oh shit, I never told her about The One Who Came Before™.

On a professional level, Mulder having had a partner before Scully should be insignificant.  Look at Jerry, he seems to think this is a perfectly normal thing to discuss and that it wouldn’t be an issue - and it shouldn’t be!  It’s just the truth.  It’s not a big deal, but for some reason it’s a big deal to Mulder.  And seemingly Scully too because she definitely gives him a look back.

A kind of look that belies an irrational pang of insecurity, maybe?  But only a pang, it’s gone as quickly as it arrives.

It’s utterly fascinating because of it’s inappropriateness.  They’re both feeling something beyond what is appropriate between professionals about the fact Mulder had a partner before Scully.  But as to the why - why does this matter to them?  It’s brushed aside in literally the blink of an eye and will not be revisited until another previous “partner" of Mulder’s arrives on the scene.

Yeah.  

In a way, this brief moment that I have over analysed to within an inch of its life, is a prelude to the drama that accompanies the arrival of Diana Fowley.  With the passing of 5 years and all that goes on between Mulder and Scully in that time, the feelings that are being expressed here intensify to the point they can no longer be ignored by the time we get to season 5′s The End.  

But here and now, in Ghost in the Machine, they are very much ignored.  These feelings are merely sparks of something bigger between them.  There is something deeper going on - undefined - that is beyond the professional, but at this stage in their relationship, neither are prepared to acknowledge it, and in Mulder’s case I still believe he’s not even aware of it, so onwards we go!

The next scene shifts to the basement as Jerry reveals why he was looking for Mulder.  He has a case he wants Mulder’s help with, but Mulder isn’t interested.

There’s a brief moment where you can see some history between Jerry and Mulder in these two lines of dialogue.

Do you get the feeling that this is an old, tired, conversation that they’ve had in the past?  The X-Files appears to be a sore subject between the two of them.  I get the sense that Jerry is still a touch resentful of Mulder for choosing the X-Files over him.  

Sooooo you might ask yourself, why is this relevant to the MSR?  Well it shows to what extent Mulder is willing to burn bridges and sever ties with people in pursuit of his goals.  We see from their friendly greeting that they were once friends, not just partners.  But Mulder was willing to sacrifice that.  

We’ve spent a good couple of episodes thus far examining what Scully is sacrificing by sticking with the X-Files, but this is the first time we ever touch on what Mulder has had to give up.  It’s clear he has sacrificed much for this personal mission of his; as he said in the Pilot - nothing else matters to him.  Jerry was just another casualty.  For Mulder the sacrifice is worth it, if in doing so he can get closer to the elusive Truth™.

However, what he didn’t count on was meeting Scully.  

His ability to discard any and every personal comfort; friendships, a career, a personal life - all of it - is a pretty significant aspect of his character.  But one thing he isn’t prepared to live without is Scully.

It might sound strange to say this so early in their relationship, but how Mulder behaves in Jersey Devil - his impotency without her presence - says to me, that this aspect of their relationship has already begun to manifest for Mulder; almost certainly without him even realising it.  She’s become incredibly important to him already and if he doesn’t realise it now, he will - very soon. 

*cough* Season 2 *cough*

So that’s the MSR significance for me.  His discarded partnership with Jerry serves to highlight the significance of his partnership with Scully.

Sorry Jezza... you’re basically chopped liver.

Something else of note that I thought was quite interesting here, is how Mulder behaves around Jerry compared with how he is around Scully.

With Jerry, Mulder appears to be a sanitised ‘version’ of himself - a personable, polite, encouraging friend - he appears subdued.  I get the sense that Mulder is falling into a familiar rhythm with Jerry where, oddly, Jerry was the more dominant personality of the pair.  

Now I say “oddly” because when Mulder is with Scully, that’s not the role he takes at all.  Mulder seems to have a bit of swagger, a bit of charm that vanishes when Jerry is around.  With Scully the real Mulder comes out - the cocky, deadpan SnarkMaster 5000 we know and love.

Even his tone of voice dramatically changes, it’s worth a rewatch to listen out for it.

But observe when Mulder is with Jerry and shows his characteristic deadpan humour, Jerry doesn’t allow him to have the moment.

Wait, sorry... just a second... The hair wiggle, guys...

I... want to... touch it... just a little... please??

Uhhh... 

Yeah so, Jerry.  He has an ego, an image he wants to maintain - he competes with Mulder, and I think sometimes even unconsciously, like in the moment above.  Whereas Mulder has enough self-confidence and self-esteem that he can fall back when that kind of dominant personality is in the room and not feel emasculated.  It seems Jerry is the opposite.  He is threatened by Mulder - his brilliance, his charm, his sense of humour, probably even his looks.  It’s almost certainly a good thing they went their separate ways because I think Jerry is harbouring a lot of resentment towards Mulder.  Which we indeed see come out later.

Also, going back to this moment just a sec...

I like how Mulder uses his humour to deflect Scully, but she persists and he -  trusting her with the truth of it - relents.  This is such a familiar dynamic between them now that it’s almost cliche.

Ok fast forward again, Mulder and Scully get in the politically correct lift.  

I mean, elevator.   ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

#IDoNotGazeAtScully

How cute is it that they both look away at the same moment.  It’s like a fucking romantic comedy up in here.

But then HAL9000 reminds us it’s the X-Files, and poor Scully hits the deck.

I mean, Mulder would be an asshole not to help her up, but any time he puts his arms around her is a time to rejoice, amirite?

#CasualTouching

The next day, Mulder is in his office looking for the profile notes he had written on the killer.  But he can’t seem to find them, and Scully, never missing the opportunity, gives Mulder a good sassing. 

She so sassy.

Guys, guys... cute!Mulder hath returneth.

Look at him, getting flustered looking for his jacket because he just lost his notes, you can almost see the thoughts in his brain, like... 

“Not my jacket too... what the hell is goin--oh.  There it is.”

The fact that she doesn’t say anything; just lets him have a mini panic haha... I luffs her.

Also the rolled up sleeves... I know I’m not the only one who finds rolled up shirt sleeves hot.  Like, dayum... Mulder knows how to rock the white collar aesthetic.

So despite not finding his notes, they hot step-it to the meeting anyway.  But hey, not to worry - turns out the notes found their way to the meeting without him!

Jerry is presenting “his” profile to the task force, and Mulder realises pretty quickly that it’s actually his own missing profile that Jerry is reading from.  Mulder has an interesting reaction to this - he’s visibly annoyed, but makes no move to stop Jerry - Mulder is loyal to a fault.

What I love about this scene though is that Scully realises it’s Mulder’s profile too and seems ready to fight his corner, and he knows it - which is probably why he lies and says it isn’t.  

How did she know, though?  It’s possible Mulder talked to her about it before the meeting, but I’m a shipper schmuck, so I choose to believe she has become so familiar with his work that she was able to recognise it as his, even when being palmed off by someone else as their own.  Like, when you know an author so well that you can recognise their writing.  I think Scully could recognise Mulder’s profile in a similar fashion..  

Anyway, Mulder then confronts Jerry, but Jerry brushes him off and doesn’t take Mulder’s grievance seriously at all, in fact, I’m fairly certain Jerry knows he can push Mulder around and he knows Mulder won’t react.  

Which is exactly what happens, Jerry doesn’t apologise, acts like Mulder is being an unreasonable dick, and takes off.  Mulder does absolutely nothing about this.

Scully, who clearly did not believe a word of Mulder’s denial - because bae knows her man’s work when she hears it - asks what Jerry said about being a filthy plagiarising snot bucket, but Mulder covers for him - again.

This is what I mean by Jerry being the dominant personality, he seemingly walks all over Mulder and Mulder lets him.  I think that’s probably a little taster of what it was like between them in the past too.

Which inadvertently puts a spotlight on how different Mulder and Scully’s dynamic is.  Mulder is comfortable with Scully for one - he is pretty unfiltered a lot of the time.  He’s just himself.  Snark and all.  

But there is also the intellectual balance that Mulder and Scully share - she is his intellectual equal.  I never really felt that Mulder was more intelligent than Scully; Mulder is simply more open to the extreme possibilities and looks for answers there first.  Scully looks for answers there only when all other explanations have been exhausted.  In a sense, she’s simply more thorough than him.  There are plenty of times when she out smarts him too, but they’re never threatened by each other - they stand on equal footing and respect one another enough that something like what happened between Mulder and Jerry - stealing his work for Chrissakes - is inconceivable between Mulder and Scully.  She’d have more self respect, for one.

Makes you realise how lucky Mulder was to have Scully assigned to him when you see how his abilities can potentially alienate his colleagues, and even his friends.

Last bit about this scene - this made me chuckle, Scully low key slipping Mulder a backhanded compliment.  

The irony of all of this though, is that the behavioural profile is utterly wrong and the killer is the machine but shhh... let’s not dwell on the details.

So Mulder and Scully head off to chat with Brad Wilczek, the guy who created the machine... and Oh my God, my baby agents... look at them!

Ugh... my heart.  They’re so sickeningly cute.

There’s an interesting conversation here with Brad, where he talks about how in the world of computer science there are “scruffy” minds and “neat” minds.  The neat deal with what he describes as “surface phenomena” things they can understand... hmm.  Sounds like someone we know, doesn’t it?

He then describes scruffy minds as puzzle solvers; people who enjoy “walking down unpredictable avenues of thought” to see where they end up.  Another way of describing someone who is open-minded?  

I don’t know if the parallel was intended, but it feels like the implication is that Mulder is a scruffy mind, and Scully is a neat mind.   Also, perhaps a tiny bit of foreshadowing was made to this point with Mulder’s messy desk and Scully’s jab about him never tidying it.

But if these two work so well together; if their scruffiness and neatness compliment one other to maintain some kind of equilibrium, then what might that mean for Brad Wilczek and his machine?  Perhaps that’s another aspect of the MSR that’s being expressed here - that an unchecked scruffy mind can lead to its own self-destruction, and that an unchallenged neat mind can stifle progress.  

Yep, I can find MSR in aaaaaaanything.

Now what happens next is that Mulder and Jerry finally have it out, and he admits in not so many words that he is jealous of Mulder.  But we move past this as Scully - despite not knowing how monitors work...

...cracks the case using voice recognition software and confirms that the murderer was Brad Wilczek. At least, that’s what they think.

Jerry, feeling his career is going down the pan unless he can “dazzle the higher ups” himself, wants to bring Wilczek in alone.  To take all the credit, basically.  To which Mulder agrees - as before, Mulder always does what Jerry wants.

The next scene I am certain is responsible for giving me a lifelong fear of lifts.  The scene where we say farewell to Jerry Lamana.

I used to be fine as a very young child - I remember liking them in fact, but at some point in my childhood I became very fearful of them, particularly if I was going in one alone.  I was certain the cables would snap and I would fall to my death.  I feared them so much, I stopped using them.  I would always take the stairs - always.  I still have the strong compulsion to avoid lifts even today, but I am a lot better than I was.

Watching this scene again, I had a visceral reaction of fear and realised it probably started for me when I saw this episode as an 11 year-old girl.  Weird.

It’s quite disturbing to me, watching Mulder review the tape of his friend fall to his death.  

The way Mulder shakes his head watching him die... it’s very unsettling but also morbidly voyeuristic - he watches it blank faced, on repeat.  For some reason it reminds me of times I’ve seen footage of people dying in real life tragedies.  That is traumatic enough, without actually knowing and caring about the people meeting their ends in the footage.

Scully then comes in and interrupts his self-torture.

This little moment is very touching, the way she slows everything down, speaking slowly and knees at his level.  Her right elbow is bent, does she have her hand on his leg??

Ahem... anyway.  Scully is right.  So right.  Mulder has been through a lot, and it goes deep.  It’s exactly the right thing for her to do - to try and slow him down and get him to acknowledge that what happened has affected him.  Because there is no way that it wouldn’t have.  The guilt of letting Jerry go alone would be crushing enough.

Mulder cannot do that though, he needs more than ever now to solve this case; to get justice for Jerry, but also to avoid acknowledging what he is feeling.  

We know Mulder is a pro at that.  

As mentioned in my Conduit analysis, Mulder’s experience of people getting close to him is that they always leave.  They’re always taken away from him... I don’t think he wants to listen to Scully because he has become very good at keeping his feelings at arms length when he needs to protect himself from them and get shit done.  

After Scully tells Mulder that Wilczek has confessed to the murders, Mulder refuses to accept that - he is convinced Wilczek is innocent, so he goes for a chat with Deep Throat to find out why the government are getting involved.

#I’mSexyAndIKnowIt  

Deep Throat basically connects all the dots for Mulder #cheating and leaves him convinced that not only is Wilczek innocent, but that it’s his machine that killed Jerry and the previous victim.  So he goes to visit him in jail.

Mulder isn’t interested in examining the fantastical in this scenario - which is this incredibly advanced A.I.  No, he wants to straight up ALT+F4 spam it’s ass.  Then go to the Add/Remove programs section of the Control Panel and ANGRILY CLICK UNINSTALL!

Basically, he wants to destroy it.  Destroy the thing that took something precious away from him.

It’s not Mulder’s usual M.O., is it.

Think about how, as recently as Shadows, Mulder was willing to risk lives in order to examine paranormal phenomenon.  The ghost in that episode had killed many more people than this machine too.  He didn’t bat an eyelid then.  But this is personal, and Mulder isn’t interested in investigating this incredible A.I. - he just wants to make sure it gets what it deserves.

We get another opportunity here for Scully to show how well she has got to know Mulder in such a short time.  She picks up on the fact he isn’t quite being himself.  She can see straight away that something else is going on for him, even if she can’t quite see clearly what it is.

At a guess, I’d say she thinks Mulder is feeling guilty for Jerry’s death.  Which I think is exactly right and probably what drives him to want to destroy the machine rather than try to understand it.  The threat of the government getting hold of it feels like more of an afterthought than a primary motivation, but maybe that’s just me.

Also, it’s not made especially clear whether Mulder shared that he got all of this information from Deep Throat.  So Scully has nothing to go on here.  It’s no wonder she doesn’t believe what he’s saying - he’s giving her very little to work with.  It’s not that she refuses to believe it, it’s that his argument isn’t credible enough, he needs to give her more.  But he doesn’t.

Scully, bless her, is just trying to take care of her friend and partner, but is pushed away.  Mulder isn’t wholly heartless, he can see what’s motivating her resistance is concern for him.  There is a brief moment where Mulder visibly softens hearing her words.

When he says “you’re probably right” I think he is genuinely agreeing with her, it’s not a brush off.  She is probably right that he isn’t being himself, that he is being driven by what happened to Jerry - he recognises that.  But he still can’t stop - he has to do what he has to do.  He understands that while Scully is more concerned for him than the case, he won’t get through to her.  So he gives up.

That’s the disappointing part of the MSR here for me. The way Mulder gives in and stops trying to get Scully on side - that’s not their way, they’re always weaker when they’re apart.  Normally he rises to her challenges and fights tooth and nail to bring her on board... but he just nopes out of this one.

Then, as if to prove that all Scully needed was something a bit more substantial to go on than “the machine did it!” and she would have helped Mulder, she witnesses her home computer being hacked into.

A trace on her phone line reveals the hacker is at the Eurisko building - where Wilczek’s machine is located. 

She arrives to find Mulder about to 007 his way inside, and tells him what happened.  He again asserts that it’s the machine behind it all, but this time she’s open to it - now she has some actual evidence to work with.  

And the team is back!

Isn’t Mulder having way too much fun for a guy about to face a murderous HAL9000-wannabe?  When Scully is there with him, he just enjoys it so much more.   Look at him, within minutes of Scully being back on side he’s quipping and smiling again.  I love the look she gives him, because she notices it too.

This offered hand makes me happier than it should.  I need help, really.  But the touching!

Oh the touching!

It’s so subconscious for Mulder to do that, it’s gotta be a protective thing, I’m sure of it.  When he’s feeling protective of her out comes the guiding hands.  Also when he wants to create a barrier between the two of them and someone else - hello handy hands!  

I mean, not always... I think sometimes it’s just force of habit.  But I do wonder if it’s comforting for him, to feel he’s connected to her - we already know that he finds her presence reassuring.  Maybe I am, again, looking too much into it, but that’s why you read this crap, right?  You want me to look too far into it!

Welp, can do!

Seriously, he’s just enjoying himself, isn’t he.

They eventually come to a locked door that they can’t get past, so Mulder has the bright idea of shoving Scully into the air ducts.  

#FeetTouching!

It goes about as well as you would expect.

Of course there’s a giant fan with exposed blades.

Mulder in the meantime has been let in the door by the far-too-helpful-to-not-be-suspicious buildings super.  But works out too late that he’s actually working for the government.

So what exactly does Mulder think has happened to Scully at this point?  They were both almost electrocuted by the machine trying to open a door earlier - this murderous computer is trying every trick in the book to kill them both, and yet he doesn’t seem too concerned that Scully has disappeared.

Wanker.

Who needs Mulder anyway.  The shit is hitting the fan for Scully at the moment OH HO HO HO... but she is being a complete bad ass, hanging from 1 hand whilst trying to shoot out the fan’s power supply.  

Seriously, Scully is such a fucking BAMF.  It takes Mulder until season 10′s My Struggle II to get a moment where he even comes close to being as cool as Scully.

Which makes it all the more vindicating when - after saving her own ass - she shows up later to save Mulder’s as well.

Fucking yeah you do.

Mulder is like, “I know this is totally inappropriate but I’m so turned on right now.”

Just as an aside... Why didn’t Mulder ask her if she was okay?  Seriously, look at her - she’s covered in cuts and bruises and clearly traumatised.  

She’s been through some shit since he last saw her.  Who gives a fuck about this guy, ask if your partner is okay, Mulder!

I was genuinely disappointed in him for not asking.

Ok, enough of that - time for some good old MSR.  So, Scully has a choice here.  

Believe the government spy who says that this is a sensitive operation that she and Mulder are trespassing in on, that she is betraying her sworn duty as a government agent by interfering, and that she will be held personally responsible for the destruction of the machine if she allows Mulder to use Wilczek’s virus to destroy it.

Or believe in her crackpot, albeit brilliant, partner about the machine being a super intelligent A.I. that can kill for self-preservation, and that the technology is so dangerous that the government should not be trusted with it.

Like there was ever a choice.

Of course she sides with Mulder and holds the government goon at gunpoint while Mulder does what he came to do.

I like this scene, because even though she’s not sure if she fully believes what Mulder is saying about the machine is true, she will always have his back.  No matter what.

Scully really was the MVP of this episode.

Sadly, there’s nothing after this; for me it feels oddly unfinished.  There’s no feeling of resolution to the Jerry stuff earlier in the episode which I thought was a shame, especially since Mulder was definitely driven to this by what happened to Jerry.  It could have done with one more scene with Mulder and Scully - maybe at Jerry’s funeral - acknowledging that he did what he did, at least in part, for Jerry.

But nope, the episode ends with Mulder meeting with Deep Throat who tells Mulder that his actions have led to Wilczek being detained by the government indefinitely as there is now no proof that he was innocent of the murders.

We know that he was definitely not prepared to let the thing live.  But turns out it might not have mattered anyway, the final scene shows the machine briefly flicker back to life from the wreckage.  DUN DUN DUN!

Don’t worry, we never see it again.  Like, ever.

And that, as they say, is that.  The end of another episode! 

Next up... 1x08 - Ice.

It’s a biggie next week - Ice is an interesting episode, the MSR gets tested to it’s limits.  Should be a good one - so see you then, guys!

[skepticalsighing1-blog]

I compiled a list of Fox Mulder’s quirks, “character flaws”, and other things that could also be symptoms of ADHD, because there are a LOT of them

These are just observations made by someone with ADHD purely for self-entertainment, not to be taken too seriously... although I really do personally love how many people agree that Mulder isn’t neurotypical.

• Impulsive as fuck, does stupid shit without thinking (jumping on a train that has a bomb in it and eating stuff off the ground at a crime scene, anyone?) • Pulls bizarre connections out of thin air but they often end up making sense somehow • Can’t stand boredom, always needs to be doing something • Night owl • Somewhat disorganized? • Clumsy • His nearly obsessive habit of eating sunflower seeds, a.k.a. oral fixation, could be stimming (repetitive, self-stimulating activity that a lot of autistic people as well as ADHDers do to calm themselves down and/or to help themselves focus. Chewing things is quite a common way to stim) • Incredibly intelligent but somehow simultaneously acts incredibly stupid • Very imaginative and creative • Seems to have a basic understanding of social cues but fails to follow them anyway most of the time • Generally bad at teamwork, doesn't seem to be able to compromise, doesn't usually listen to authority except when it serves his own interests • Always either too distant or desperately demanding attention • I know they’re both guilty of constantly invading each other’s personal space but I think Mulder does the “forgetting that people have boundaries” thing a lot more often than Scully. • Amazing memory (some people with ADHD have a very bad memory while some are the exact opposite..... I’m somehow both. And so is Mulder probably, after all, he did forget that he’s a psychologist that one time, lol) • Very honest and humble • Very good at reading other people’s moods and analyzing their motives (I'm assuming this because he's a criminal profiler) • Cracks stupid jokes at inappropriate times • His unpredictable and hasty behavior makes him seem very selfish and insensitive to other people's feelings but anyone who truly knows him, knows that he actually cares very deeply for others • Very sensitive to any type of rejection • Prone to addictions (*cough cough* porn *cough cough*) • Comorbid depression (hasn’t it been pretty much confirmed that he fell into depression some time before season 10?) • I’m aware that Scully does this too, but..... what the fuck is up with those hilariously off-topic over-the-top-philosophical ramblings that they call official FBI case reports • Has very high self-confidence while also seems to struggle with low self-esteem (note that self-confidence and self-esteem don’t always mean the same thing) • Manages to make every fucking thing about aliens or other paranormal things because his obsession with them is beyond unhealthy • Didn’t he once have this bottle of orange juice in his fridge that had been expired for like a year or something? • Gets really excited about new things and ideas and is quick to just drop everything whenever he comes across something new that excites him • Says a lot of confusing things that just don't make any fucking sense. But I mean....... same

[pjstafford]

David Duchovny's HOHW Tour Fan Girl Experience: Seattle

David Duchovny HOHW Tour Fan Girl Experience: Seattle: This is the first of five blogs on select topics related to my trip to Seattle to see David Duchovny. This one is about the over-all experience. Others will speak about the information provided at a book discussion, a review of the concert and music, the question to video or not to video, and the movie New Year’s Day. The last is a stretch but doing a separate blog will keep me from digressing on it in this blog. Brief recap. I wrote a blog related to the treatment of dark subject matter in David Duchovny’s written works across television, movies, novels and music lyrics. He quoted the tweet related to the blog and said the appreciation moved him. Many within the fan community of Duchovny including the Duchovniacs liked what I had written and wanted to be sure I made it to a concert this tour which I could not afford. Fans from around the world arranged for airfare. Cathy, a friend who I had connected with in Duchovny chat groups, offered concert and book discussion tickets, a place to stay, and incredible hospitality. Suddenly I was going to Seattle. I arrived Saturday late afternoon. What a delight to meet Cathy in person after six months of almost daily contact on Twitter! It was both of our first time seeing and meeting Mr. Duchovny. For the rest of this blog I will refer to him as David so I don’t sound like Darin Morgan. If you don’t catch the reference, then that's a great example of how nice it is to be with a person that speaks the language of the specific fandom. Neither Cathy nor I have that in our daily life away from social media. I see the Duchovny fandom and X-Files fandom as distinct but intersecting. The Darin Morgan reference is an X-Files reference. Cathy is an X-file enthusiast. I will never know as much as she does on the topic of the X-Files. I have seen more of David’s movies and read and listened to more interviews and articles than she has. It's a nice compliment to each other when you have a week-end of Duchovny planned. Both of us have similar experiences of being a fan in the 90’s of the X-Files without any fandom obsession, watching seasons 1-9 again to prepare for season 10, falling in love with X-files on a new level, but falling truly and completely in love with David’s music and novels. Neither of us have a history of fan girling since the Bobby Sherman/ Donny Osmond's days. Our first time meeting in person there was hardly any awkwardness at all- we were already friends. Now our friendship has deepened. It was great to meet her husband as well. We share an interest in science fiction, but I have sadly fallen decades behind. Definitely have things to read and stream on his advice. Sunday morning we took the ferry to Seattle, parked close to the Croc, went to find a marquee or poster on the Croc but didn’t. Found only his name on a calendar. It was a 25 minute walk to the book discussion. I wore my Lick My Face Shirt from Target Zero since I never am brave enough to wear it in public in Albuquerque anymore. The first couple of times it elicited some rude comments. I thought David Duchovny fans would know the reference. No…not a single one seemed to know the reference which makes me sad for Target Zero. I do have suggestions that Target Zero send little cards out with the shirt that can be passed out to explain to people the reason for the shirt. I would wear it more if I could easily deliver a card and it would increase awareness. I found in Seattle a complete different attitude towards this shirt from people who did not know the reference. I never felt uncomfortable. I received a lot of comments which started a lot of conversations. A very young man just stopping me telling me he loved it and a member of Keaton Simon band saying it was the best shirt ever when I was waiting in line are stand outs. I’m curious why they liked it so much without knowing the reference, but neither compliment was suggestive just sincere about their appreciation of the sentiment. I digress. It was a light rain overcast day which was perfect for the Seattle experience. Cathy and I kept saying “Let it Rain.” When we got to the book discussion an hour before the doors were opening there were four persons already there. Cathy and I went to get a cup of coffee and granola bar and then came back. By a half hour before the doors open the lines were forming down the street. They would end up with 600 people in attendance. The center section was reserved for members. Cathy and I found front row seats off to the side and felt so excited about how close we would be to David. It was nothing compared to how close we would be as the day progressed, but- not knowing that at the time- we were excited. Jess Walter, a writer from Washington, facilitated the discussion. Cathy was familiar with his writings and excited to see him as well. It turns out that David and Jess are longtime friends and so the discussion had this beautiful relaxed bantering and good questions from one writer to another. At one point Jess said, “I am the world’s foremost Duchovny scholar.” Cathy said she immediately thought “no you are not, Pam is.” I thought that was grand! Cathy took pictures and a couple of brief videos. I took a total of 10 minutes of video not in order but with different question and answers through-out the session. I took a lot of notes trying mostly to write all the quips David was saying. I am writing another blog on that so will just say the discussion piece was delightful. Then, came audience questions. Some personal history here is that six months ago while reading a passage of Bucky Fucking Dent related to the nature of America in 1978 and loving the way David had written about Carter losing the nation and a good-looking monster in California was waiting to take his place, I had told Cathy I would love to drink a glass of red wine with the man and discussed the American Protestant Work Ethic. Over the months we have referred to this as “my dinner with David” which is all in my head, of course, but I have developed a list of questions which I feel strongly I need to ask him – no, none on the X-Files. I say that because when Jess asked David about the most common question he is asked on his novel he said, “What’s your favorite episode of the X-files?” Cathy had always said she would never be able to ask him a question because she would be too shy. She had a good one she wanted to ask though. We were sitting in front of the microphone and she jumped up to ask a question. She asked the second question of the session. No hesitation. I was so proud of her. Her question was since the previous two books had been scripts turned into novels was his next novel, expected in 2018, “Miss Subways” first a script. The short answer was yes but the longer answer was in depth. Another highlight for me personally was a fan asking about one of David’s original poems. During the answer, Jess mentioned Eliot and David said “April is the Cruelest Month.” People who know me well know I love Eliot’s poetry and Mulder had once quoted this exact line while looking at a playboy. If it makes me a little geeky to remember that …well. There is one more element of questioning in this event important to a later piece of the blog. I don’t remember if it was in the discussion or the audience questions David was asked about why he toured. He feels it is a different way of expression and celebrating music which allows for audience interaction in a way he has never experienced before. As I described the audience participation later, you will see how important that piece is to him. He said it is unique for that audience and for just that time. He then said but everyone has a fucking phone and then it’s on you tube and then it is forever. Later in the QA before the concert he made a remark that showed his disdain for phone videos. I was going to ask a question at the book discussion, but didn’t have a chance. My question would have been about a difference in BFD between the main novel and the epilogue. They both have an omnipotent narrator but in the main novel you are in the action and in the moment. In the epilogue there is a distance that is controlled by come close, come closer still, come closer yet again. I’m curious why he wanted the distance in the epilogue portion of the novel. Alas, a question for another time. Once the questions was over, I looked at Cathy and said “we’re moving.” Great job of keeping up with me. I wanted to be sure we were through the book signing in time to not be too far behind in the line for the VIP concert experience. As you will see we did great with that, but it could have been a hard decision – stand in line for the book signing or get to the concert venue. We got from front of the theater to the lobby for the signing quickly to be within the first 100 in line (remember there were over 600) for the signing. We did well moving to get to that position. Fan Girl clapping all around. They had announced rules for the signing. He would sign only his books or CDs. No memorabilia. No personalization in the signature. I have both books in Kindle and Audible. I do not need a hard edition. Also, given how my adventure to get to Seattle had started with the blog and his retweet and people donating for me to attend, I really wanted him to sign a printed version of his tweet response to me. I know he had already responded in the tweet, but just because of the trip experience I wanted a signature on that tweet to frame. I didn’t think of it along the lines of memorabilia from X-Files. It was about his writing. So I braved the line to see what I would get with my breaking the rules approach. While waiting in line we had an opportunity to thank Jess Walter. I would certainly read his books. He is very funny. I was really appreciative for such a relaxed interview to see that side of David. First gate keeper was primarily responsible to make sure people were all set on the right page ready to hand it over in order to speed up the process, but was also checking what was being signed. She told me he would not sign the tweet, period, end of sentence. It was not happening. She was doing her job, but I persisted and she agreed that I could go up and try if I wanted, but he was not signing. The next gate keeper was right before David and Cathy was before me so I could not witness her experience, but she indicated that when he saw her he immediately said “Good Question.” He recognized her and her question. She was happy with her interaction and then turned to watch mine. I was struggling a little to get through the second gate keeper but she said “will you can show him.” This made me somewhat flustered and nervous when I met the man. I was asking him to break the rules for me which was selfish. I handed him the printed tweet and said I had written you a “fan letter.” He immediately remembered. “Yeah, that was you?” Picked up a pen to sign the tweet. I should have taken this intensely close up opportunity to look at his face, interact, but I became very shy and could only look down. When I realized he was taking the time to write and was stopping to think about what to write (breaking another rule) I was really touched. He handed it to me and I put my hand on my chest, looked in his eyes and said “thank you so much” and started to walk away. I heard him say “Yeah” and realized he was still talking to me. I turned back around and he was looking at me smiling. His eyes smile with his face and he said in a deep, sincere voice “It was nice to meet you.” I said “You too.” Turned and walked on realizing that I had rushed the moment- not him- and that he clearly remembered the blog I had written and was still appreciative. I was glad I had been persistent. OK- novelist experience over get ready for some hard old lady fan girl rock and rolling experience. Cathy and I were both elated with our experience and the walk from the venue for the book discussion back to the Croc was much faster. We checked and there was no one in line at the Croc yet so we went to get Pizza. We got the pizza to go and went back to the Croc. The doors were confusing to us because what looked like the main door to us said go to main entrance on the other street and that door said Back door bar. Where should we stand? Out what seemed to be the front door a man came out who said he was the photographer. He didn’t know where we should stand. He was nice and we chatted briefly. I said I know we must seemed crazy. He said he was sure we were not the only ones that were going to get crazy that night. He was right. e went to the back door and ate our pizza. It was three. Cathy had gotten an email saying to be there no later than 5:15 p.m. It might have been a bit much to get there so early. By this time it was raining a little harder. We ate our pizza in the rain and I am happy because it is part of the experience, but in retrospect, we could have sat in a restaurant ,not stood in the rain, and had been fine with being first in line. I noticed a man was in the box office and rang the bell. He was obviously annoyed with us and came out told us not to block the door. He hit a spot on the wall and said this is where the line starts and went back inside. That gave us some amusement as one of us made sure to always stand in that exact spot. Here, here is where the line starts. Several people walked by and we interacted with them. Many asking who was playing there tonight and then saying “the x-files guy?” A couple of highlights is that the opening band Keaton Simon and his band members came and stood, blocking the door, for a while because they were confused about the side door/ main door dilemma as well. While they were texting and finding out we had some slight interactions (such as the comment about my shirt and them laughing that we were there so early). In one interaction with one of the people during the first hour we were there someone had a spliff. Cathy is ignorant of drugs and drug terminology so I was able to point it out to her and tell her that in BFD when Ted has a fantastic free streaming sequence in his brain which starts out something like I was crossing the Hudson with Walt Whitman in a spliff the size of a canoe, that is what a spliff looks like. Street education to better enjoy literary masterpieces. It began to rain harder. We stopped saying “Let it Rain” and came up with the idea that the DavidDuchovnymusic.com web site should market Let it Raingear. It was a full hour before anybody else came to stand in line. A full hour. About 4:30 there were ten of us in line and they opened the bar and told us to come into the bar- we could buy food and drink- and they would make an announcement when the VIP experience would start. We had lost our front line place and more people would come and crowd into the bar before 5:30. The best part about being in the bar was the opportunity to meet the Dutch Duchnovniacs. They compared the Amsterdam concert with the Portland show which they had been to two nights before. They said it was clear David had worked on his voice since the Europe tour. Later in the QA they gave David a pair of wooden Dutch shoes slippers. It wasn’t long before people started lurking near the opening between the bar and lobby which would lead to the theater. Cathy said she was willing to lurk so we did. Finally the bouncer sent everyone back into the bar and wouldn’t let people lurk. I went to the bouncer and said that we had been there at 3 and had waited in the rain to be first in line. He said yes, but they would just make an announcement and we should go back to the bar. I touched him on the arm, gave him my best puppy dog eyes, and said “and you will remember that we’ve been here since 3 in the rain waiting to see him and make sure we are not at the end of the VIP line.” He said, “oh just chill and stay here.” For the remainder of the wait he would not let anyone else lurk near the door and we were able to wait with him. As he let us in first I was so thankful to him. Here is for me the funniest part of this story about waiting in line. We walked in and there were some areas toward the side of the bar where there was a bar so you could lean and be comfortable. Cathy said “oh, let’s go to the side.” Cathy doesn’t like to be in the front of a crowd or the middle of a crowd or in a crowd. She would have stayed in the back. I just thought – we’ve been here in line since 3 in the rain and I just practically offered to blow the bouncer and you don’t want to be up front. So funny! Imagine if after all of that we had stayed in the back. She must have seen my look and said – wherever you want. We went up front. She enjoyed the experience and I don’t think neither of us would have as good of a time without being in front. I decided not to be center stage. I wanted to see the guitar player and the drummer. I had told myself that before the concert. David has world class musicians. I was going to watch a little of them. I also wanted to be on the side because – full fan girl confession here – he has a scar on one of his eyes and I wanted to be able to see that scar. I love that scar. I know it makes no sense. It is a flaw on an otherwise perfect face. I loved that scar on Mulder when you seldom saw it except in certain camera angles and when he grimaced and suddenly smiled. It’s like a perfect profile as he stares directly at a clue and then the moment of clarity comes for him and the scar pops out. A sudden flaw that made it clear he wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t every episodes, but those episodes it does! As an older man, it has deepened and is usually visible but still pops out more in certain expressions when he sings. Those of you who are not a fan can laugh at me. I love that scar. Managed in the 90’s to miss the red speedo (yellow pajama bottom, grey sweat pants), but I noticed the scar. Go figure. The sound check began with the guys in the band coming out first. Then David came out. He made a general acknowledgement of crowd and immediately walked and looked at the stage. He found a spot on the stage and moved his hands measuring stage to ground. He had already decided he was going to dance in the crowd that night and was finding his spot to do that. He waved slightly at a young woman standing near us who was insistently waving. We will be talking about her some in this blog. He stood then in front of where Cathy and I were with his side turned. Head bowed as if waiting for someone to speak in his ear set. Soon as the voice sounded in his ear he jumped to it and went to the mic. It was fun to be part of the sound check. There was a horrendous noise at one point and David said is that feedback. Pat said no I was playing really bad. David said it was really loud we should turn it down and Pat said in case I play bad again. Quite amusing. The lights were blinding on stage and David said they’re not going to be that way all night are they. It was fun. Next the QA. I enthusiastically raised my hand and Brad said with a laugh the woman right in front. Yeah, they might have been talking about the crazy old ladies so determined to be up front. My question was about the song Lately December. It’s the least played song on tour from the first album and is so beautiful. David repeated the question – I am soft spoken so no one else really heard me and said you like it, so do I, but we do a rock concert and it’s a contemplative song. Then he thought a little and said we do slower songs but that one is more complicated and difficult to play or maybe I don’t sing it very well on tour. He then called the band lead Colin on stage and asked him who said “Oh, that’s a hard song.” So that’s the reason. The young girl next to me asked who he had written “the rain song” about. He said a person. Later in introducing the song he said a friend. He had said previously in concerts his ex-wife loved rain so we should assume that’s the person and friend. They weren’t doing that one either but agreed to change the set list since they were in Seattle. Someone else yelled out “Let it Rain “and he said we always do “Let it Rain.” A good question was from a high school literature teacher who wanted to know what he would teach in class if he was still teaching. David said he is a big fan of teaching the classics and justified why. A bad question was “You’re in my top five (people I would have sex with). Who are your top five?” He said I’m not answering with a man recording that. He answered a question did he prefer playing Moody or Mulder thoughtfully and well, similar to answers he had given before. Someone asked about Aquarius. Cathy and I have been part of a #SaveAquarius group and even though he does not think it will come back we were happy to hear him speak about Hodiak with affection. In answer to another question he told a story about babysitting Keaton, the opening act, and that it was Keaton who had suggested he could record the songs that David had originally written just for himself. I got to ask the final question. Two questions – almost a dinner with David! I said I wanted to ask about “Stars”. He said “Stars? We’re not doing that one either. We’re killing you not doing your favorite songs.” Not especially happy with myself that at that moment I gushed. “Anything you do tonight I will love.” That remark got the response it deserved- an eye roll from David. Could I have said something like – ok I’m out of here. That might have been amusing. Or something after I love anything you do like –really even “Baby Snatcher”-(but no, not really, not “Baby Snatcher.”) Baby Snatcher was one of his early and excessively bad movies. Instead I gushed. Then I asked the question which started with I recently watched “New Year’s Day.” David interrupted with “Wow” and made a surprised face with his eyes wide. Eye roll and face in one question- I was distinguishing myself here. See, I could really digress now if I was not writing a distinct blog about “New Year’s Day”. It is an early Duchovny movie. My question pertained to the monologue at the end of the movie by the main character played by the brilliant director, Henry Jaglom. The monologue is related to how stars we see now died years ago and David asked if I was accusing him of plagiarism. I was on a roll boy in my extended conversation with David. I said no I was wondering how much that early movie had influenced him. He said he thought he knew about the dying stars before he was in the movie. I nodded and then he said was it Henry in the monologue? I said yes it’s Henry and refrained from telling him how it summarizes the whole movie in such a poignant manner, how my favorite scene is the unscripted one between him and Henry, and asking what it was like to work with this brilliant director. I refrained. He looked like he was thinking about something and said thank you for reminding me that was in there. So as it ended I didn’t get the impression that he was really annoyed by a Stars question that was really a New Year’s Day question. I wonder if he realizes there is also a significant mythology piece in X-files about Stars where Mulder delivers a similar speech to Scully as Henry had said at the end of New Year’s Day. I get the feeling that David had some influence on New Year’s Day and X-files in this regard and that the concept of dying stars has been with him through-out most of his adult life as meaningful imagery. However, I did not get that response from David. I love the song Stars. Then it was time for group pictures which I don’t really get. Like a picture with a bunch of people you don’t know with a celebrity in the middle. It felt a little rushed, unpleasant, uncomfortable. Cathy, however, had the opportunity to tell him thank you again and to have him say thank you back so I was glad for her. Pictures are on DavidDuchovnymusic.com if anyone is interested in seeing them. I’m wearing the Lick my face shirt. We had to struggle a little again for our space when we got back from the shoot. A woman who had snuck in with the VIP despite having a general admission ticket had kept our space but wanted to be between Cathy and I and I kind of got stuck in back. That was not going to work for me and I told Cathy I was moving down stage a little further but still in front. The young women there were so accommodating to that and pleasant to me. Then the venue was open for all concert ticket holders. The concert had been the first one on the toured sold out and it was packed. It was an intimate venue. I estimate maybe 500 there- really packed in like sardines. Cathy and I talked about the fact that we couldn’t really drink because if we had to go to the bathroom we would never get back. We decided to go to the bathroom one last time before it wasn’t possible. I was going to keep my spot though so I announced loudly (yes, I did) I am leaving for a few minutes but am coming back to this exact spot (pointing to the floor). I then pointed one by one at all the eager fan girls around me, pointed to me and the spot, and did the watching you gesture. (In my defense I am really short and kind of need a front spot to see anything.) A man about five rows back was laughing at me and when I walked by he said “Hey she’s coming back to that spot.” He did the watching you gesture to all the people around him. It was hard to come back and he did the same thing as I came back – laughing the whole time. I brought back a glass of water for Cathy and myself and that was the only liquid we drank for the next several hours. We had a great conversation with several young girls around us – all of who were very familiar with David’s music. The young girl who had asked the question about “the rain song” said that she was thinking of getting a tattoo of lyrics either from the “rain song” or “Let it Rain.” She asked me if when those songs play if I would let her get in my place since she was behind me and I said of course. Who wouldn’t? I spent some time looking at the stage and thinking what songs I would watch the guitar player and drummer on. I was excited to see the bongo’s. I pointed them out to Cathy and we knew we would be hearing “When the time comes.” Keaton and his band came out and certainly warmed us up. High energy, rap style including a little rendition of “Staying Alive”. It was very fun. As Keaton was gathering stuff he up, Cathy and I had an opportunity to tell him how great he was. Anticipation for David got a little much. The girl behind me kicked me and hit me several times. She was annoying everyone. I turned around and just hugged her. She is there to see a man 35 years older than her whose music she loved. I thought it was beautiful, but I also wanted to settle her down a little with some tactile touch. They came out and put down the set lists which the front row could read. We were excited to see the encore Sweet Jane and the Weight as the only covers but had heard the reports from earlier concerts about how good the covers were. We were really impressed that they had not put down any set list for David. Did he memorize them every night? Then they came out with three sheets of large print set list to tape down for him. It had to be bigger and on three pages so he could see it. We found that endearing. David started with the high energy and fast “3000.” Since I am writing another blog specifically about the concert I will only tell in this blog those highlighted moments specific to the experience. One of the first thing during that song is he how much he was sweating. At one point he moved his head and I watched a bead of sweat fall from his face to the floor. Among the other many talents which David has, add the ability to work a room of 500 so every individual believe they had personal interaction with David. Possible every person did. That experience of the communication and audience interaction which David said is the reason he does the tour is something he delivers for the fans very well. I had decided that I was going to watch some of Pat McCusker’s guitar and Sebastian’s drum despite the fact that it meant not watching David. Obviously I was going to watch Sebastion on the bongos during “When The Time Comes.” At one point he looked up and we made eye contact and I nodded and he nodded back. Obviously the best time to watch McCusker would have been “Unsaid, Undone” but no I felt strongly about watching David. Luckily there were many times through-out the night when he moved directly in front of me. Whenever I clapped, I tried to clapped “around.” Pointing my hands to each band member. I hope the band knows that David’s fans are aware that David’s expression of music is only possible because of their incredible playing and that we love them because of it. The point came for the young woman who loved the songs about rain to go to the front. Think of how hard I had fought for the spot. Do you think I would have given it up if I knew she was going to take off her bra, threw it on the stage and then keep her shirt off exposing her breasts to David? No I would not have. Cathy said her immediate reaction was just concern that David would avoid our side of the stage because of her. He made at one point a slightly stern face and shook his head at her and she covered up. Cathy was upset about it at first but now says that it was part of the experience and is the only time in her life she will ever have that experience. My concern was with David eyesight and knowing that he knew where I had been standing he would not realize it was not me flashing her, but Cathy assured me that he would be able to tell the difference between a 21 year old breasts and mine…yeah, probably. This young woman did tweet to David the next day with a picture of a bra on stage. I found that impressive. She is owning the moment as well without embarrassment. While I was annoyed so much at first, since then I have mellowed about it. But ladies keep your clothes on. There is no indication that David likes panties or bras being thrown at him. “Unsaid, Undone” is my favorite song off the album (any song that can reference Dylan’s Idiot Wind and quote obscure Latin text cannot fail to make me happy) and it is loud and rocking. This was his best song of the night by far. At the end of the song he was by my section of the audience, he bent down so it seemed like he was inches from our face when he sang/ yelled “I said I’m done.” Then he did something I have not seen in any videos. Still bent near our faces, his face went cold (he is a great actor after all, isn’t he?), he put his hands up so they were just below his eyes – kind of walling himself off except for the eyes, and then while maintaining eye contact and still bent he walked backwards. It was chilling. The most spectacular concert moment I have ever experienced. I don’t know how he could maintain eye contact with everyone in that area, but it felt as if he was staring directly at me and Cathy said the same (staring directly at her). OMG. I have a love hate relationship with “Positively Madison Avenue” which I will get into more in another blog. But the love is stronger than the hate. He stood right by me and again and was bending down when he sang the lyric “a beleaguered Pete Seeger got to hitch his way to heaven.” So cool. I will say that there were moments when I realize my fan girl love might be a little different than others. He was introducing a song early in the set and nonchalantly took off his jacket and everyone screamed. I was like “what did he say” and Cathy was like he took off his jacket. Then after he stood up by the beleaguered Pete Seeger line to run across stage singing “you can sell panties and still remain a genius “women yelled because he said the word panties. That’s not me- but did you see that scar? I also noticed the nice hair on his arms. We each have our fan girl kicks I guess. Oh yeah, and he had the perfect amount of scruff. He left and came back for encore. I was excited to see the Pink Pussy hat in his pocket. The band puts them on for “The Weight.” Keaton came on to sing with him. This was a moment. David had told a story about babysitting Keaton. It was Keaton last night on the tour and they had not sang together. I will rave about this performance in a later blog about the concert. They went off stage and we screamed for the next encore – which we were obviously going to get –it was already on the set list. The band did an extended opener on “Sweet Jane” and then David ran out, to the spot he had scoped out way back in sound check and jumped off stage for a dance with the audience. There was a sudden rush to him. I was so close that I could feel the physical displacement of air as women rushed him. I did not and why it would have been great to have felt his back muscles or touch the hair on his arms, I was glad to be that close and take in the scene. I have a framed picture in my head of David with his butt stuck out wiggling, his hands up dancing, his eyes closed, women around him touching all around his back wiggling too and this delightful look of joy of his face. Going back to the discussion of audience participation and David’s motivation to perform. I will never think of that statement and not see this picture in my mind. How insulated must David have become in his fandom with all the crazy fan girls like me out there. This is his chance to give some loving and receive some loving from his fans. It is beautiful, but scary and I hope he never gets hurt. He seems kind of a pro though at positioning his body to make sure no vital areas are touched. Then he was back on to finish the song and then he was gone. People immediately grabbed for his set list. I just wanted a set list. Note to DavidDuchovnymusicc.com –post set lists, look at Bob Dylan.com set list posting. I like to know what songs were played in the order for the concerts I’ve been to. I’ve never wanted a set list before, but there no one else this set list will be stored. I saw a set list far back on stage and asked someone if I could have it. He shook his head. A bouncer came and told us to move on because the concert was over. I took my stuff over to one of the benches I had mentioned earlier and started to layer up. I watched until the bouncer was gone and then went to someone else and asked if I could have the set list. He gladly gave it to me. Cathy and I started back to the vehicle in rock and roll and Duchovny heaven, but with aching old lady legs. Back at her place we went to bed about three a.m. The next morning at 7 we realized we were both awake and posting on twitter. A friend sent us a tremendous screen cap from the concert taken of the back of David on stage with Cathy and I in front gazing at him. It had never occurred to us that we would be videotaped in the audience, but we were delighted. Cathy found another picture of him looking away from us up at the upper level of the bar, but our face are lighted in the same way as he is lighted. These pictures mean more to us than the VIP group pictures. We found vids of “the Weight” with Keaton Simon and David. I screen capped one and posted it and Keaton liked it. Then we found video from the other side of that song to see the interaction we had missed. Beautiful. We must have watched the video of “the Weight” like a hundred times. Cathy and I are in several chat groups together. We sat with each other as we twittered, tumblred and instagramed asking what chat group should get what pictures and stories and which of us were going to post it. #SaveAquarius has a fan girl for another of the show’s stars so we didn’t want to overload them but there were Duchovny fans in that group not in any other. Of course, our concert group needed pictures and stories. Then there is our Moody group. Finally there is a small intimate group of five who had to get our most intimate details and stories. At some point Cathy put on her HOHW shirt. I stayed in pajamas most of the day. We had a late brunch with champagne. It is what you do the day after. About 6 p.m. we were pretty done and had to take a break. What could we possibly do to distract us? It turns out Cathy had the X-files Season 10 special features which I had not seen. Ok – does that sound silly? But we both agreed we had not seen Mulder, Moody or Hodiak – not at one moment did we think – oh, that’s …we saw Duchovny- or we saw the Duchovny persona he puts on as novelist and the persona he puts on as rock star, but we did not see Mulder. A girl can only go so long without Mulder. We went to bed about 10 p.m. exhausted. By the next morning the pictures and vids of the girl who had flashed her breasts were making the round so we started watching video’s all over again. At one point I said to Cathy “I have to say. I just, I know I shouldn’t, but I just have to say, I just have to say” and then I said something I am not going to put here. Cathy is a real concerned voice said “exactly who are going to say that to?” I said, “Just you. You are the only one here.” We both then laughed hysterically at how into the social media we were that even in our private conversation she was concerned I would post something inappropriate. Cathy’s husband was tremendous during this period. Letting us fan girl away as much as we wanted. Then Cathy took me to the airport and my fan girl experience was over, but the next day the pictures from the Boston concert started popping up everywhere. What’s a fan girl to do?

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

[admiralty-xfd]

Hi, excuse me, I adore you. I absolutely LOVE your chapter in "First Time For Everything" where you explored Gibson 'hearing' Mulder miss Scully in the bunker SO my prompt is - you know that scene from early season 8 where Scully has to kill the shapeshifter and then breaks down and bawls in Doggett's arms? - Gibson was standing so still and looked shook while staring at Scully and I want to hear your take on what he could 'hear' from Scully in that moment. Lol this is so long, I'm the worst lol

I adore YOU, Nicole. And I hope I did it justice :)

(And here is the chapter she’s referring to if you’re interested.)

Confusion is the first thing Gibson hears.

The man with blue eyes holds Agent Scully tightly, and his thoughts don’t know where to go. They are only fragments; no beginning and no end, just bits and pieces of things he cannot or will not understand. The lengths his mind go to now to justify what he’s seen are far more incredible than anything he’s actually witnessed.

Confusion is tricky for a mind reader. It’s hard to know what the person truly feels, and where they will land.

Fear is much easier. This is what he hears from Agent Scully. At first he thinks she’s afraid of the bounty hunter, or of having almost killed her friend. Or maybe that she’ll never see her partner again. These are the things that anyone would assume watching her now.

But then, as happens on occasion, he hears a very specific thought.

How can I do this, Mulder? How will I protect our child without you? I can’t keep anyone safe. I can’t even keep Gibson safe.

For a moment he feels incredibly guilty for saying what he did before, for putting that responsibility on her. She’s always been kind to him, always. Even back when he first met her she had a softness about her, a warmth. She was interested and curious about him but that’s exactly how he knew she was a good person; she was always more concerned for his well being than anything he could possibly teach her.

Our child. What child? Does she have a child with Agent Mulder?

He knew these two were in love with each other from the day he met them. It was impossible not to know. And Gibson understands love in a way no one else can. He hears all the things people do not say; the things they are dying to say but don’t, for whatever reason. And there are always lots of reasons.

He heard it from Agent Mulder when he first met him, the silent plea he repeated to himself.

Scully can’t know, she can’t know about Diana… fuck… how am I going to explain this… she’s never going to forgive me…

Gibson didn’t know who any of them were at the time, but he hadn’t needed to in order to piece everything together.

That fucking bee… why didn’t I try again sooner… why didn’t I tell Scully the truth…

The bee part was unclear, but it hadn’t been for long. When he’d been alone with Agent Scully that particular event had been explained with alarming detail. He tried not to listen, he really tried. But it was all she could think about.

The blue eyed agent is screaming for help as the rest of the agents trickle out of the room. Agent Scully says with her mouth “I’m fine Agent Doggett, I’m fine,” but with her mind I am not fine. I will never be fine until I find him.

It’s easier to focus now with just the two agents in the room. He hears the fear again, and the terror. He wants it to stop. Agent Scully is a nice person, and she doesn’t deserve this. He steels himself, knowing she is not fine, knowing Agent Doggett should not leave her alone. The fear, the confusion. Two voices now. He can deal with two voices.

But then her left hand moves to her abdomen. Agent Doggett doesn’t see, but Gibson does.

And he hears another voice.

It isn’t words, it’s more of a feeling, a soothing presence that seems to calm Agent Scully. She takes deep breaths, and he can tell Agent Doggett thinks he’s calming her down but it isn’t him, it’s something else. It’s someone else.

Suddenly he understands. He’s hearing her child. Mulder’s child.

“Go, help Skinner,” Agent Scully says to Agent Doggett. He helps her to her feet and with further insistence she’s fine, although Agent Doggett knows better, he begrudgingly acquiesces and leaves them alone in the room.

Gibson knows his abilities are unique to humans. Although he’s able to distinguish that which is human from that which is alien it hasn’t changed the fact that he’s always felt so, so alone. But as he looks at Agent Scully now, her hand hovering over the child he’s now aware exists, he feels less so. He’s never been able to communicate with a baby before and immediately knows this child is different, special.

Just like him.

He touches her arm. “Agent Scully?” She looks at him as if she’s noticing him there for the first time.

“Gibson… are you all right?” Her lip trembles and he can tell she’s trying to keep it together but her brain is on fire with emotion. He nods, trying to put her at ease.

“I’m so sorry, Gibson… I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.”

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry I said what I did. You did the best you could.” He looks at her meaningfully. “And I know you will for your kid, too.”

She looks up at him, taken aback. “How do you…?”

“I can hear it. Right now.”

She lets out a tiny gasp and moves her hand protectively to her stomach again. “What… do you hear?”

“Just a feeling. It’s hard to describe. Safety. Comfort.”

Her eyes well up and she nods ever so slightly. She looks so, so sad, and he can hear her gratitude for telling her this. But he also hears other, more complex thoughts swirling around her brain; thoughts of despair, of heartache. Of love.

Mulder.

“He’s looking for you too, you know,” Gibson says softly. It’s all he can give her right now: hope.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s what I heard. It’s how I know for sure it was him up there.”

Scully blinks. “What did you hear?”

Gibson shrugs. “Just your name. Just Scully.”

She smiles. He doesn’t remember ever seeing her smile before, and he’s happy to be the one to have made it happen.

“Thank you, Gibson.”

She takes his arm and he leads her out of this room, the alien bounty hunter having dissolved into nothingness by now. Back to reality. But the fear is gone now. Certainty is what he hears from Agent Scully; not doubt, not hesitation. But utter certainty that her partner is alive, somewhere out there.

And she will find him.

[admiralty-xfd]

Culmination

This is chapter three. To go back to the beginning, click here.

AFFIRMATION

SCULLY

(Never Again/ Memento Mori/ Small Potatoes)

“Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

“Yes, but it’s…”

She’s been thinking about this unfinished sentence a lot. The silence that followed, the distance they felt as they sat across from each other, thinking so much but saying nothing. Mulder’s desk situated between them like a huge mahogany metaphor for this particular bump in their road.

For the first time, it felt like they were in a real fight. The things they’d said to each other had hurt, but worse than that is the quiet resentment she now knows they’re both feeling. This inability to communicate about the things that really matter only adds to her frustration.

Two steps forwards and three steps back. It’s exhausting and disheartening to feel this way right now. She can’t help but wonder if she should be in a very different place in her life. Her friends are getting married, having kids, doing… normal things. Things she assumed she’d probably be doing by now. Things she thought she really wanted to do. Even the people she considers friends are so distant to her now. Mulder has taken up every inch of available space in her life. This can’t be healthy, can it?

But she’s still here with him. She’s connected to him in a way she’s afraid to examine too thoroughly. Their partnership has become personal to them both, and she’s only starting to truly realize the implications of that; the consequences of that.

His behavior towards her the morning before she left for the Pudovkin case in Philadelphia was aberrant. She’s having trouble explaining it, or justifying it. Maybe he was upset that she’d tuned out the evening before while he was questioning a witness. Or maybe he was annoyed about having to use his vacation time; idleness in any form is a peculiar brand of torture for him.

In any event, his bad mood combined with her disgruntlement has pushed them both to a breaking point. Without even realizing what he’d done, he had cut her to the quick with his flippant attitude about something very important to her, to how she views their partnership. He’s always treated her as an equal, always. And his dismissal of something as seemingly trivial as a desk only augments its significance in her mind.

It isn’t about the desk. It was never about the desk.

Four years into their partnership and she honestly can’t recall feeling this angry at him before. It surprises her. She doesn’t like it.

She’s well aware that she hurt Mulder, too, though. She hadn’t meant to but she’d trivialized his life’s pursuit, and made him think she didn’t care when she does... of course she does. She wouldn’t be be here if she didn’t. And she truly believes he knows that, regardless of what was said between them.

So why was he so upset? Why had he been so unkind after she’d returned from doing his bidding, as always? It wasn’t like him. She still can’t make sense of it.

She’s convinced it can’t be because of Ed Jerse. Mulder has never shown any interest in her pursuing a social life other than to mock her for it. If she’s being completely honest, that very mockery is what led her to call Ed in the first place.

It was ill advised, the entire thing, but how the hell was she supposed to know Ed Jerse would turn out to be a psychopath? The frustration she was feeling had to express itself somehow and a mysterious handsome stranger seemed like the right outlet. He was nice. She found him attractive. They’d had a good conversation, a good connection. And quite frankly, she needed what he’d given her. It had been so long since she’d felt a man’s body beneath her, everything that followed had almost been worth it.

Almost.

What had she been thinking? One night stands aren’t her. Getting tattoos with men she just met isn’t her. She’s having trouble admitting to herself she slept with Ed Jerse because she was angry with Mulder. It didn’t feel that way while it was happening. But she did. She knows this now, she just doesn’t quite know what it means. It was being thirteen and sneaking out of the house to smoke her mother’s cigarettes all over again.

Maybe she really did want Mulder to find out. Maybe she wanted to find out what he’d do.

Being acknowledged by him and feeling like her work has meaning isn’t something she thought she’d have to work so hard to obtain at this juncture. It’s the first time in their partnership she’s felt devalued in such a way. It frustrates her to no end that she has to throw that concern in now with all her other concerns.

Chiefly, the very real concern that she’s dying.

Ever since she’d learned that the MUFON women in Allentown were all dying of cancer as a result of their abductions, she feared it may be a possibility for her. But as every day passed, she grew more and more hopeful that maybe her fears had been unfounded.

Now that she knows the truth, she dreads telling Mulder. The last thing she wants is to feel even less like an equal, to feel like someone fragile to be cared for or pitied. Just one more reason he needs to protect her.

As the phone rings, she realizes she picked up and dialed his number without even rehearsing what she’s going to say. Also, she forgot for a moment they are still kind of in a fight.

She idly wonders how someone can rely so heavily on another person and still feel so fucking lonely all the time.

“Hey, Scully,” he answers. He sounds apprehensive. She hopes that’s a good sign and not a bad one.

“Hi.” Suddenly she has no earthly idea how to proceed. “Um.”

“Before you say anything, can I say something first?”

“Okay.” She’d rather not be having this conversation at all, so she’s glad to delay it even for a moment.

“I just want to say I’m sorry for being such an ass the other day. Especially considering what you went through, it was insensitive and wrong of me. It’s none of my business what you do on your own personal time. I don’t know… I don’t know why I acted that way and I’m sorry.”

Wow.

“I appreciate that, Mulder.”

“Also, I… I didn’t really hear you when you were talking about the desk. I mean, I heard you, but I didn’t hear you. I’ve thought about it and you’re right. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have your own desk. I put a request into HR to get you one. We’ll figure out where to put it next week.”

Jesus. This is completely unexpected.

“I hope you know that having you here isn’t just something I tolerate, Scully. You’re not just a box to be checked. I want you to be here. I just… I hope you know that, is all.”

Weirdly, this fight feels so unimportant now. She doesn’t need the desk. She just needed to hear him say that.

“Mulder, thank you. And I hope you know it was never really about the desk.”

“I do know. I know that now, believe me.”

“Then cancel the request, okay? I don’t need it. I hate Battleship anyway.” She smiles and hears him laugh on the other end.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. And thanks again. Thank you for hearing me.”

“Of course. I always try to hear you, Scully.”

She knows, but she’s glad he said it. Maybe there’s hope for their communication skills after all. “I… I actually called because I have something I need to tell you, and it’s not good.”

“What is it?” His concern is evident.

“Can you meet me right now?”

“Yeah, of course. Are you at home?”

“Actually I’m at Holy Cross Memorial.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll tell you when you get here. Meet me at oncology.”

“I’m on my way.”

She hangs up the phone and looks up at her brain scans, displayed on the wall like some macabre art exhibit. A proclamation of death demurred.

She called Mulder before she even called her mother. It had been automatic, like a nerve sending a signal to the brain that she has no control over. Somehow he’s a part of her, like a phantom limb she will always feel. This knowledge scares her, it gives her pause. She’s never been so dependent on another person in her entire adult life.

It’s always been hard for her to let people in, even the ones who are closest to her. She’s always looked out for herself, been tough, independent. It’s probably what attracted her to the FBI in the first place.

This feeling of powerlessness is strange territory for her. She’s well aware of Mulder’s proclivity to protect her, but she fears it now. This time it feels different. She’s vulnerable now, in more ways than one. It’s not his fault, either. It’s just who he is.

How is she going to tell Mulder she will someday have to give up on him? That they won’t be able to continue this journey together? How will she admit defeat, failure? And at what point will her body decide to give up on her, to give up on both of them?

She knows now, more than ever before, his life’s work is her own. His life is her own. They are in this together, forever entwined. Maybe that’s what he was trying to communicate to her before, in their office. Maybe he’s already come to that realization. It took a cancer diagnosis to wake her up.

“Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

“Yes, but it’s…”

She knows now.

“...It’s my life, too.”

***

They’re sitting in her apartment on the couch, a fire roaring, soft music playing, wine glasses in hand. It’s not a scenario she ever thought they’d be in together. Incredibly, something has happened. He’s made an effort to get to know her more socially and it’s confusing and exciting and a little scary.

“I’m seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder,” she says as she sips the wine. It’s not great wine. She’s not surprised. But with Mulder, it’s the thought that counts.

“Is that a good thing?” he asks. She looks at him, the contours of his chest visible through his gray T-shirt. She doesn’t get to see him much outside a suit and tie. The way it’s distracting her right now makes her a bit grateful for that fact. Just a little bit.

“I like it,” she confesses.

She does like it. This isn’t the kind of attention she’s used to getting from him. There’s no pretense to be in her apartment, no new autopsy notes to go over, no paranormal theories to discuss, no arguments over what to believe or not believe. Just two friends hanging out.

With wine. And music. And a fire. And thoughts about how he looks in his T shirt that are decidedly unfriendly.

“Do you ever wish you could go back and do it all differently?” Mulder’s voice is unusual, hushed. She’s not used to him talking to her like this. It’s sexy. God help her, his voice is so sexy.

“Do you?”

His nod is barely perceptible but she sees it. As he shifts closer to her on the couch she knows exactly what he’s doing and she feels a rising panic inside her. Suddenly all the fears and doubts that have kept her from thinking about this very moment are real, and in her face.

Oh god. What is he doing?

As he inches closer and closer to her lips, her mind goes through a roller coaster of emotions.

Her first impulse is to tell him “no” but then her brain loses all control to the other parts of her body that just want him to kiss her, now.

They are mere inches apart when her apartment door bursts open and there is Mulder, again, looking disheveled and confused. She looks at one Mulder, then the other. She barely has time to register what’s going on but everything suddenly and disappointingly makes sense. Thoroughly grossed out, she pushes Eddie Van BlundHt off her and moves away. The real Mulder’s face is inscrutable.

Everything comes to fruition in her mind in an instant. Maybe knowing she’s dying brings clarity she hadn’t had before. Maybe it’s the wine she’s been drinking all evening. Or maybe it’s the hard fucking evidence that she was only just half a second away from pulling his mouth to hers and letting him take her right there on her couch.

Whatever the reason, she can’t deny it anymore, she knows the truth.

She’s in love with Mulder.

Not the kind of love she’s always felt for him; the kind of love a best friend feels, or a partner, or a confidant. No... the kind of love that overwhelms her senses and reaches deep, deep down to every single part of her. The kind of love she’s been waiting her entire life for.

It’s difficult to believe she hasn’t realized it before now, but she’s actively worked so hard not to fall for him that the opposite actually happening never concerned her. She’s kept herself so closed off for so long, it’s become difficult to see things that are staring her right in the face.

The disappointment she feels at this turn of events is painfully evident. She knows it wasn’t really Mulder saying any of those things to her, but what she knows now is how much she wanted it to be. She wanted him to be saying those things. She wanted it to be him, wanting to kiss her. She knows it.

And now she’s completely fucked.

Besides the fact that she has no idea how to convey any of this to him, she’s dying. If she tells him she’s in love with him, she’s dying. If she doesn’t tell him, she’s still dying. She doesn’t know what to do.

Not telling him is easier. She thinks she’ll stick with that.

After the police arrive and escort Mr Van BlundHt back to jail, Scully starts cleaning up the wine glasses. This isn’t like the Ed Jerse situation; it’s much worse, because she feels like Mulder now knows something about her that she doesn’t know about him. Her walls have started to come down in front of him and she doesn’t like that feeling.

Thankfully, the embarrassment isn’t solely hers; as Mulder lingers near the doorway he can’t look her in the face. She secretly hopes he just leaves so she won’t have to explain herself.

“Do you think he could have drugged the wine?” Mulder asks.

She had opened and poured it herself. She knows this isn’t the case. But he doesn’t know that.

“Maybe.”

He nods and turns to leave. They won’t talk about it again.

MULDER

(Redux II/ Emily)

He races to the hospital as fast as humanly possible. He can’t believe what she’s told him, he has to see her for himself.

Remission. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to live.

The pain he’d felt last night at her bedside was so intense he’d been utterly lost. He couldn’t fathom what he would do, how he could possibly move forward without her by his side. He can’t remember another time in his entire life he’d felt so alone. And he knows from lonely.

He’d actually considered joining forces with the cancer man, for fuck’s sake.

Oddly enough, that very consideration has got him thinking. When it comes right down to it, Mulder would give just about anything to save Scully’s life. He’s realizing protecting her has become his highest priority and he doesn’t know how to feel about that.

Solitude has been a comfort to him over the years. If he doesn’t get too close to someone, he doesn’t have to risk losing them. He’s remained focused, determined, undeterred in his quest. He hasn’t had to worry about distractions.

After the Diana fiasco, he made a conscious decision not to pursue any romantic entanglements that might distract him from his mission. It wasn’t for lack of desire or interest, just a lack of availability. He knew he’d be unable to give someone the time and energy required to maintain any kind of healthy relationship while remaining focused on his work.

He hadn’t counted on Scully showing up in his life and blowing that plan to pieces. The way their lives have become intertwined was something he could never have anticipated. Although proud of himself for keeping things between them mostly professional over the years, he’d be a fool to deny what he knows now is the truth: there is no other person he’d rather be with than her: professionally, intellectually, romantically, sexually, all of the above. He simply can’t imagine another scenario.

If that’s what love is, then that’s what he’s found. In spite of everything, even though he hasn’t been looking for it, somehow he’s found it here, on this godforsaken planet, in her.

He thinks it might be possible she loves him, too. But he doesn’t think it’s possible he will ever feel worthy of her.

He knocks and slowly peeks into her hospital room. “Scully?”

She’s laying on her side but she’s not asleep. He inches tentatively into the room, searching her eyes. She sits up and reaches for him. There are no words either of them need to say.

He goes to her and sits on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. His smile is so enormous he worries it might jump off his face and go flying around the room. He can hear her sniffling as she grips the back of his jacket, and one of her hands moves to the nape of his neck, fingers spreading into his hair. His body tenses. How does she know to do that, how much he likes that? Does she even know or is it completely unconscious?

He wishes they were something they aren’t, so he could kiss her. God, he just wants to kiss her. Why can’t he do that? It’s never the right time. Why can’t it just be the right time?

He knows that’s not the main reason. He knows the real reason: he’s afraid.

“I can’t believe it, Mulder. I really can’t.”

He doesn’t plan to let her go for a long time, so they just stay that way, holding onto each other.

“I’m so relieved, Scully. Do the doctors know what turned it around?”

“None of them can say for sure, but I’m never removing this goddamn chip again just in case.”

He laughs, and breathes her in. Considering she’s been stuck in the hospital for several days he’s amazed at how great her hair smells.

After an indeterminate amount of time, he hears the door open behind him, but he can’t see who it is from his vantage point. He soon realizes that the Scully family has arrived.

He releases her and turns around, finding Mrs. Scully’s eyes flooded with tears. He tries to avoid Bill Jr’s stare, but can feel it just the same. He wants to cut the guy a little slack. He loves his sister and is just looking out for her, much like himself.

He thinks of Samantha. He can relate.

“Oh, Dana!” her mother cries and runs to the bedside. Mulder starts to slide off the bed but Maggie envelops him into a three-way hug, and he returns it. He may not be Maggie’s family, but she is well aware he is her daughter’s.

“Fox, thank you for being here.”

Mulder smiles at Scully’s mother. He’s always liked her, liked how easy and welcoming she’s been with him over the years. In a way he envies the relationship she has with her daughter; his own mother hasn’t very often been the same reliable source of comfort and support for him over the years. Maggie has never questioned or doubted the devotion he and Scully share, and he feels grateful for that.

“I’ll be in the hall, Scully. You take your time with your family.” He takes her hand and kisses it, aware that Maggie is watching the two of them very closely.

As he gets up to leave, he and Bill Jr share a nod. He and this guy may never like each other, but in this moment they can push those feelings aside and acknowledge the relief and happiness they both feel.

Mulder extends his hand, tries to be companionable. As Bill takes it, he looks Mulder in the eye. “I’m glad you’re here for her.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now,” Mulder retorts. Their grasp tightens, then releases. It’s all he can say in this moment, all he feels comfortable saying. He hopes it’s enough for this guy to stop hating him.

He closes the door behind him and sits on a chair in the hospital hallway, where he waits. He will wait for the right moment to kiss her. He will wait for the right moment to tell her what she means to him. Waiting will become one of his new crusades.

For now, he will wait here for her until she needs him again. It’s where he belongs.

***

The car ride home from Emily’s wake has been quiet. He wants to talk to Scully, he’s just not sure how, or even about what.

It’s drizzling outside, both his hands are on the steering wheel. She’s turned away from him, looking out the window. Every once in awhile he hears a soft sniffle.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She won’t turn to face him. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

He wants to be there for her, even if she thinks she doesn’t need him. He reaches out a hand to take hers, and she lets him. “If it’s any consolation, you did the right thing, Scully. Her suffering is over.”

“I know it is. I’m not feeling guilt, or regret, or anything like that. I know I made the best choice for her.”

“Then… are you okay?”

“It’s just... so unfair. So needlessly cruel, for God to bring a child into this world and allow her to suffer that way.”

He sighs. “I know this won’t help, but if you think that way, you have to concede that God lets this happen to multitudes of other children, every single day. We cannot save them all, Scully. All we can do is the best we can. That’s why we do the work we do.”

She squeezes his hand, knows he’s right.

“You need to keep telling yourself that, Scully. We are doing the best we can.”

“Maybe I’m just being selfish. Because I know you’re right. But I can only think of myself right now, and why this happened. I should never have even known Emily existed. But if I hadn’t, she may have suffered even more. I’m not sure how to feel. It’s almost as if… as if I shared in her suffering. As if she gave it over to me when she died. And now I’m suffering.” She pauses, considers this. “Maybe that’s what being a parent is.”

“Do you wish you’d never known about her?”

“No. She was my daughter, nothing can change that. I’ll always be glad I got to know her, even for those short precious moments. To see myself reflected back to me in a child… it’s something I never thought I’d get to see.”

He can’t help but feel a pang for her, for the loss of something she’d longed for. Not Emily specifically, but the chance to be a mother. It was stolen from her in her prime, and for no other reason than she had gotten tangled up with him and his mission. She may not feel guilt, but he certainly does.

“Emily wasn’t meant to be, Scully. The men who created her didn’t do it so you could know her, and love her. But you did, you got to love her, and as sad as this all is, that’s something worth holding on to.”

Scully turns in her seat, regards him thoughtfully. “Do you want to have kids someday?”

He glances sidelong at her, with a small smile.

She quickly explains. “I mean… I just mean, you know, in general. Is that something you ever think about?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I’m not opposed to the idea, but maybe I’m just jaded. It’s not a future I necessarily picture.”

As soon as the words escape his mouth he finds himself reconsidering. It’s not that being a parent is something he doesn’t want, it just hasn’t been a priority. But now that he’s openly said it’s a future he doesn’t think about, he can’t help but think about it.

Maybe he’s subconsciously written off the idea of having children because he knows Scully can’t have them. The thought burrows its way into his heart and he can’t shake it. Any kid he had the presence of mind to imagine has always been, in his heart, half his and half hers.

It’s silly; they aren’t even in a relationship. He loves her and he knows it, but this isn’t a conversation he can have with her right now. Just because he sees his future with her, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re sitting in this car together having never even kissed. It doesn’t change the fact that her heart is currently broken by the death of a child that should never have existed. A child that was created using her stolen ova, ova he knew about and never had the heart to tell her.

The two of them have issues that no couple, romantic or not, should ever have to deal with.

He remembers beating the shit out of Emily’s physician the other day. How his devotion to Scully had come pouring out of him in violence. The guy had deserved it, but it took him off guard. The anger and desperation he’d felt in that moment was something even he hadn’t been prepared to feel.

“Where do you think they took her?” Scully fingers the gold cross around her neck thoughtfully. “Some cold facility somewhere? Is she being picked apart as we sit here? Cut open? Researched? Or has she just been destroyed?”

Mulder shakes his head. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

“You knew she’d be gone. I should have suspected. After everything we’ve been through, Mulder. Why couldn’t I see that coming?”

He sighs. “You have an optimism I haven’t had in awhile. When I was in violent crime I saw so many horrible things, all the time. It does something to you, Scully. It takes away your hope. It chips away at your faith in humanity. I don’t often meet people who help renew that faith. Maybe it’s why I’m always out looking for aliens.”

“But I wouldn’t consider you a person without hope. Far from it.”

“Maybe since you’ve been around, things have been better. What can I say, Scully? You bring out the best in me.”

She can’t help but smile at him. He squeezes her hand and adjusts his fingers to interlock with hers.

“I don’t say this often enough, but I think you’re amazing, Scully.”

“You do?” She sounds touched.

“I do. It’s not easy doing what we do every day. You take a lot of crap for it, too. From your family, from others at work. In the face of all our dead ends, everything that’s happened to you, and all the terrible stuff we see. You keep on going. I think that’s amazing.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Mulder," she sighs. "But I don’t feel that way all the time. To be honest, on days like today all I want to do is give up.”

They drive in silence for a bit, the rain picking up a bit, the windshield wipers working harder.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“You know, you don’t have to do this, Mulder. I’ll be fine. I don’t need you to make me feel better.”

“I’m not," he insists. "I’m just being honest with you. You put all of yourself into this job even when you probably shouldn’t. You always defend me even when I don’t deserve it. I don’t know how I got lucky enough to get stuck with you, Scully.”

“Stuck with me?” She raises an eyebrow, smiling.

“You know what I mean. If it had been anyone else sent downstairs to work with me I’d be out of a job by now. Or even dead.”

He can feel her gaze on him. He loves it and is unsettled by it all at once.

“I don’t think I could ask for a better partner, Scully. I’m thankful for you every day. I should tell you that more often.”

She looks down at their entwined fingers. He briefly glances down too, and for a moment he can’t tell which fingers are his and which are hers. She slowly traces circles with her thumb near his wrist, right at his pulse point. The gesture is romantic, sensual. He doesn’t want to read too much into exactly how much he’s enjoying it.

“I’m glad you’re my partner too, Mulder. Even though you’re stuck with me. I’m happy to be here.”

He pulls the rental car into Bill Scully Jr’s driveway and turns off the ignition. The car goes silent and they sit together for a moment, the rain pattering on the windows the only sound. She’s still doing the thing with her thumb and he wonders if she’s aware of the power she has over him, or if she’s completely oblivious to it. They look at each other, really look into each other’s eyes for the first time since they left the church, and he briefly considers going for it. He could lean in right now, here in her brother’s driveway, and change everything forever.

Before he makes a decision, she speaks and the moment passes.

“Are you coming in? Or do you have to catch your flight home?” She says it quietly and he can tell she wants him to stay.

He doesn’t really want to endure Bill Jr’s unpleasantness, but his flight isn’t for a few hours, and something deep inside is compelling him to stay with her. Besides, after all Scully has gone through this week, the least he can do for her is put up with her asshole brother for a couple hours.

“I’m coming with you.” He can’t help himself and pulls her hand to his lips to kiss it. He knows, truly knows he’s in deep. The only thing more real to him right now than his love for her is his fear. The only thing getting in the way is his own hesitation.

“Hang on, I’ll come around with the umbrella,” he tells her.

He walks around to the other side and helps her out of the car. He holds the umbrella over her head as she shuts the door, taking her hand again. She doesn’t typically tolerate these acts of chivalry with much patience, but for whatever reason she’s allowing it.

As they walk to the front door, holding hands, he wonders if he’s being inappropriate. They’re off duty, she’s grieving, maybe he’s taking advantage. But she squeezes his hand and makes no effort to let go. He’s just happy she seems to be feeling better. If she’s sending him any signals, he’s certainly not going to interpret them as such, not today.

Maggie Scully opens the door, smiling, and lets them inside. As she collects the umbrella, he glances over her shoulder into a mirror behind her and takes in the tableau of himself and Scully, hand in hand. He has the distinct awareness that they look like a couple.

Maybe they are. Maybe they always will be, regardless of whether or not they ever talk about it.

Thanks for reading! To continue reading click here. I’ll be back tomorrow with Chapter Four.

[agentelmo]

The X-Files MSR Analysis Series: Season 1 Episode 4

“Conduit”

Previous episode analysis - 1x03 Squeeze.

This episode has some interesting developments for MSR, as it’s the first episode to delve into the Samantha Mulder backstory.  

Not so much around what happened to Samantha, but what effect her disappearance had on Mulder and how that event has irrevocably altered who he is, and the course of his life.  The bulk of the MSR here is Scully watching over Mulder, and noticing his changes in behaviour; seeing for the first time how damaged Mulder truly is.

The opening of this episode always intrigued me because it grounds the X-Files in the rules and procedures of the FBI that subsequent seasons often gloss over.  Mulder submits a “302″ (a request to open a case file), as well as cover for travel expenses and there’s even a brief mention of Mulder’s ASAC (Assistant Special Agent in Charge) - who is Mulder’s current ASAC?  I don’t think we ever meet him/her.  

It’s kind of strange how in season 1 there is a strong sense of authority looming over the X-Files, like an axe waiting to drop, whereas later seasons you really do get the feeling they’ve just been left to their own devices, and that the only person they really answer to is Skinner - who for the most part, is pretty lenient with them.

The scene here with Blevins is good for observing the subtle shift that is occurring in Scully, away from loyalty to the FBI and the orders of her superiors, and towards loyalty to Mulder.  Blevins tries to find out what Scully knows of Mulder’s sister and she refuses to betray Mulder’s confidence - but then Blevins shows her that Mulder opened the X-File on his sister’s disappearance himself, so she feels a bit more at liberty to share what she knows.  Still, I like that she has no qualms with resisting a superior if it means remaining loyal to her partner.

Then Blevins tries to use Scully to undermine Mulder, and she sees straight through that shit.

Scully is so great in this scene - we all need a BFF like Scully.  Being the utterly loyal BAMF that she is, without knowing Mulder’s reasoning, without any knowledge of the case, she puts herself out there to get the case opened simply because she trusts Mulder’s judgement.  

She has faith in him that whatever has prompted him to submit this 302, there is a good reason for it - despite what others think - she doesn’t believe he’s a madman or a fool, and she’s willing to challenge her superior based on her faith in him.

Look at that, I can find MSR in any scene.  Can’t quite decide if that’s a talent or a curse.  

Now it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Don’t deny it.

Mulder, Mulder, Mulder... first, what colour is that shirt you’re wearing?  Did you put a yellow sock in with your whites?  

Second, GOOD LORD MAN.  He definitely gets a thrill out of flirting with her, because he’s pretty good at invading her personal space in surprisingly intimate ways - she’d have felt his breath on her face; that’s incredibly intimate.  What was he thinking?  Honestly, he probably wasn’t - I still genuinely believe he’s not aware of what he’s doing.  He probably doesn’t even think of it as flirting.  

Poor Scully - see her sharp intake of breath?  I know, I know, she’s exasperated with him but c’mon... if you had this guy come at you like that wouldn’t you have a little moment?  She even seems to take a split-second to consider this as she eyes his lips briefly.

What?  Don’t look at me like that.  When you make gifs, you inevitably end up seeing scenes frame by frame... you can’t help but notice these things!

The fact she never challenges this behaviour is just more evidence that she is attracted to him, because Scully has more self-respect than to let a colleague get up in her space if she doesn’t want it.  Scully lets him get away with things like this repeatedly because 1. she’s comfortable with him - she trusts him and 2. she is professional enough to not let it interfere with their relationship or their work.  But fuck me, Mulder makes it hard for her.

Scully then lets Mulder play teacher with his projector.  Nawww, I miss overhead projectors.  They phased out using them in X-Files episodes eventually too, but watching Mulder give Scully a little presentation always makes my heart do a thing.

He loves having someone to share this with, someone who is not just a skilled professional - a highly qualified scientist and doctor - but someone who looks at his work and applies their expertise faithfully.  She takes him and what he does seriously, her challenging him is proof of that.  

Honestly, I think he enjoys the challenge of proving the credibility of his theories under Scully’s scrutiny.  That way, this back and fourth that occurs between them serves the very useful purpose of grounding Mulder and also challenges him to work for his theory rather than just believe anything and everything willy nilly - which we know he would definitely do without someone to watch over him.  He enjoys it, but no doubt, it frustrates the fuck out of him sometimes too.

Although surprisingly, he seems quite chill about it today.

Soooo... slightly veering away from MSR for a moment...

Welcome back to Mulder’s Kitchen, people!  

An interesting observation I made in this episode was that the apparent UFO sighting Mulder shows Scully on the projector from Lake Okobogee in 1967, looks awfully similar to a UFO we will see later in the series.

UFO From Lake Okobogee.

UFO from Fight the Future.

UFO from season 8′s This is Not Happening.

What are the chances that these are all in fact, the same UFO?  

I always thought the FTF and This is Not Happening UFO were one in the same; that seems clear despite it seeming much bigger in FTF, but let’s just put that down to the SFX budget.  The possibility that the FTF UFO was previously involved in abductions in the 60′s is an interesting idea, and nicely ties the events of this episode into the greater mythology.  The mythology is always fun. I’m one of those rare unicorns that actually enjoys the mythology more than the stand alone episodes.  

I know, I know... hey, hands off the unfollow button!

Mulder and Scully:  Getting to the front door at the same time since 1993.

Also, Scully low key checking Mulder out.  As you do.

Once you’ve seen it, you just can’t unsee it.

The dynamics of the next scene are really interesting, and quite heartbreaking when you think of all the loss in the room.  Darlene Morris desperate for the return of her daughter Ruby, and Mulder, desperate to learn something that might lead to answers about what happened to Samantha.

Mulder is clearly very vulnerable walking into this house, the second he sees the Morris family photos, he’s transported to a time and a place that is long lost to him - and Scully sees his pain.

In that moment he is no longer the Oxford-educated psychologist, criminal profiler, Special Agent of the FBI, Fox Mulder - he’s the lonely 12 year-old boy Fox Mulder.  Longing for connection to not just his missing sister, but to the life that was robbed from him when she was taken away.  The photos of a once happy family, triggering in him recollections of his own loss.

Recall that in the pilot, Mulder tells Scully that after Samantha’s abduction his family fell apart - nobody talked about what happened, so he never had the chance to come to terms with it.  

We know later in the series that his parents divorce in the wake of what happened to Samantha, so effectively, his whole world was destroyed.  Imagine what that must be like for a 12 year-old child - the safety and security of home and family snuffed out in a single night then never addressed.  Hey kid, your life is now a hollow shadow of what it once was - deal with it.  He was just a boy with no capacity to deal with the enormity of what he had experienced, left to deal with the shattered pieces of his entire world - alone.

It may sound melodramatic, but I deal with this kind of childhood trauma all the time in my work, and the scars that are left can run very deep from far less traumatic experiences than Mulders.  It’s actually miraculous in some ways, that Fox Mulder became a functioning, highly-educated, and productive member of society.  

But he didn’t get off lightly, the consequence of his unresolved trauma is that these scars run so deep for him they are the greatest driving force in his life 20-odd years after the fact.  And tragically, we know they will continue to drive him for the next 20+ years into the future.  

Well, this is cheery, isn’t it?  I could really brighten everyone’s day and tell you about my thoughts on what losing William did to compound Mulder’s trauma around the loss of love and family... but I’ll spare you that particular trauma.

We can see during the conversation with Darlene, that Mulder is still out of sorts - Scully is doing most of the talking.  They’re talking about the night her daughter Ruby was abducted from Lake Okobogee, then Darlene drops this on Mulder and he’s like a deer caught in headlights.

Scully is again observing this change in Mulder and she’s worried for him; she’s never seen him like this before.

Also, can I just say quickly before we move on - that this kid is creepy AF.

Scully continues to pick up on Mulder’s strange behaviour.

Scully does try to approach this with him in an indirect way, letting him know gently she’s noticed his behaviour - but he brushes it off with his characteristic deflective humour.  Scully will have to be a bit more direct to get through to him on this one.

Oh, quick intermission.

ZOMG HE TOUCHED HER BACK AGAIN!  Yep, the small-of-the-back-touching love affair continues.  This episode: Mulder goes in for the double-hander.

This next bit makes me chuckle, because these NSA goons are looking for Mulder, so why did they break into Scully’s hotel room, and not Mulder’s?  

Were the rumours of their sleeping together going around the bureau this early in the game?   Maybe they thought they’d be clever and break into her room and catch him?

We wish it were true, NSA goons... we really wish it were true.

But it’s all good, eventually they find our boy, Fox.

Hoo boy.

We interrupt this programme to bring you an important message: Mulder’s bed head is hot as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu--

Scully makes the mistake of ratting out creepy kid Kevin to the NSA and Mulder is frustrated at her actions.  The kid and his mother get hauled off in a somewhat uncomfortable scene, and Mulder looks around the Morris’ house, spotting from the window that their caravan has a scorched roof, which aligns with Darlene’s story of what happened on the night that Ruby disappeared.  He rushes off to investigate, while Scully stays at the window, watching him.

All throughout this episode Scully has been watching Mulder.  She knows what’s going on for him, but doesn’t know how to approach it.

Upon discovering that creepy kid has somehow acquired to ability to write Bach in binary (a story thread that never gets resolved, by the way), Mulder rushes to meet Darlene Morris to apologise to her for the NSA involvement, but she’s not interested and is hostile towards him now.  She tells him to keep away from her and her son and Scully uncomfortably notices, yet again, that Mulder is being made more and more emotionally vulnerable by this case.

Also, I gotta say it again... this creepy kid, man.  I feel like he would stab me up in my sleep.

Please stop looking at me like that, creepy kid.

At this point, Mulder has become fixated on Kevin and Ruby, and believes creepy kid is a “conduit” (eeeeeeyyyy the episode title!) and that he is linked to who/what abducted Ruby.  Basically, Mulder thinks aliens are using Kevin as some kind of human TV aerial.

The aliens wanted to catch season 8 of Game of Thrones but arrived on Earth in 1967 instead of 2018, so they’re pissed they’re having to wait 51 years for it to air and are amusing themselves by abducting people for their own entertainment purposes.

How’s that for a theory, Mulder?

Ok enough kidding around, serious talk now... serious stuff.

Scully tries again to talk to Mulder about what is going on for him.  She knows what is driving him, and why he is obsessed with finding Ruby - but she leaves it unspoken.  It’s fairly clear that what she doesn’t say is that Mulder is seeing Samantha in Ruby.  

Scully tries to tell Mulder that there is no evidence of an abduction; tries to break him away from his fixation on saving her, but he is a man possessed.  

Does he obsess with saving Ruby to absolve himself of the guilt of not being able to save Samantha?  To get information from Ruby that might shed light on what happened to his sister?  Maybe both.  But he’s determined to see it through, and Scully, concerned with his welfare, has no choice but to see it through with him.

I think this moment more than any other solidifies in Scully’s mind that Mulder isn’t just driven by wanting to know what happened to his sister; he’s in fact still deeply traumatised by her disappearance.

What Blevins suggested about Mulder’s personal agenda clouding his judgement is undeniable at this point, but she doesn’t use this knowledge against him - doesn’t write it in her report.  She can see and hear the pain he’s dealing with - this desperation to save Ruby is a clear window into his desperation to save his sister.

She doesn’t have the heart to stop him after seeing that.  She feels for him.

Things eventually come to a head, as Mulder refuses to give up believing Ruby can be saved despite the fact they have a suspect with a motive for murder in custody.  Scully believes he’s so clouded that he can’t see what he’s doing - she can’t beat around the bush anymore, she has to come out and say it directly.

What Scully comes to realise over the course of this episode, is that Mulder is a very damaged man.  The guilt of not being able to save Samantha seemingly drives Mulder to project his sister onto Ruby, and in fact, various vulnerable women throughout the series.  It’s a classic example of transference, to act out a trauma in similar scenarios with similar people in an attempt to resolve the distress it triggers.  But Mulder never seems to fully resolve this - as recently as the events of I Want to Believe Mulder is still looking for is sister in the faces of vulnerable, victimised women.

Compare the conversation Mulder and Scully have in I Want to Believe with the conversation above from Conduit.

Even more recently, you also have Sveta in season 10′s My Struggle I, he is still compelled to save hapless women no matter the personal cost to himself.

In fact, I’m certain the reason Scully says to Mulder “you know what you’re doing” in My Struggle I isn’t because of some childish jealousy, it’s because she knows what he’s like - she’s been going over this with him for enough years to know, and that’s why she tells him he knows what he’s doing too, because he’s done it enough times to know why he behaves this way without needing her to tell him.

Okay, quick, run!  Back to 1993.

What we’re seeing here in Conduit, is Scully experience this traumatised side of Mulder for the first time.  Kinda makes you feel sorry for Conduit-Scully, doesn’t it?  She’s got a looooooooong hard road ahead of her with this shit.

So, moving on.  Mulder and Scully go looking for Darlene and creepy kid Kevin at Lake Okobogee, and on the drive there, Mulder admits - in a uniquely Mulderesque way - that she is right about him.

Mulderesque meaning as avoidant and indirect as possible.

I found this story of Mulder’s childhood ritual incredibly sad, because it’s as I said before - as a 12 year-old boy, he was not emotionally equipped to deal with the aftermath of what happened, and so his 12 year-old mind dealt with it in the only way it could - through this child-like gesture of closing his eyes and believing that if he wished for it hard enough, that she would be there when he opened them again.  Hasn’t every kid done that; closed their eyes and wished?

Telling Scully this story is another defining point in their journey together.  Mulder is a closed book to most people around him, and the long pauses tell me he even finds it difficult to tell Scully this.  He’s not used to letting people get close - he fears it, because everyone he has loved has left him.  Especially if you consider that at this point, he has also not long ago lost Diana too.

Gag.

But little by little, Scully is breaking down the walls.  Even though she’s been challenging him every step of the way on this case, the one time she was right on the money was the most important time of all.  She’s right, he is chasing his sister and he knows it.  He knows what he’s doing; but can’t help himself.  

Telling Scully this story is his way of acknowledging that.

Mulder and Scully finally arrive at the lake and find Darlene, creepy kid and Ruby.  It first appears like Ruby was dumped by a biker gang, as she turns up unconscious in the forest just as the gang ride off.

SUPER FOX TO THE RESCUE!

Am I the only one who can’t help but think of Mulder as a dad every time he’s in a scene with a kid, now?  In this bit with the biker gang, I couldn’t help but think of how awesome a dad he would have been.  Then I feel sad because William.

Honestly, the thing that pains me most about the X-Files these days isn’t that Mulder and Scully split, it’s that Mulder and Scully never got to be parents, because they would have been awesome at it.  

I think I need a little cry now.

So in the end, Mulder was right - Ruby was alive.

Later in the hospital, Mulder notes that Ruby has a chemical imbalance which suggests she had experienced prolonged weightlessness.  Which means unless she was hanging out with the Biker Mice from Mars, she probably wasn’t with the bikers - that she actually was abducted.  But it is strange when you consider the greater mythology, which posits that all “alien” abductions are actually abductions by the government using ARVs to carry out their alien-human hybrid project.

So who abducted Ruby and took her into friggin’ space then?!  Some other bored aliens I guess??  The Bounty Hunters on a joyride?

Mulder desperately tries to get Ruby to talk about what happened to her, but she refuses.

Darlene arrives to put the kibosh on any further abduction-talk, and Mulder is bereft. He needs to know what happened to Ruby - he’s trying to make sense of what happened to his sister through Ruby, and he can’t make sense of it.  He’s once again, left open - highly vulnerable, and Scully doesn’t know what to do to help him.

Neeee nawww it’s the grammar police!  I think you mean ‘important to whom’, Darlene.

Scully is again left to observe Mulder’s pain, and is powerless to do anything to ease it, the door is being shut in his face and there’s nothing either of them can do about it.

The hand she physically places on his shoulder here I always felt was a symbolic gesture of their friendship at this point - she’s protecting him, keeping him safe.  Mulder no doubt feels very alone at this moment, but she’s been there for him, watching over him, supporting him through this whole thing; without her being there to protect him from himself, I suspect Mulder would have done something he would have later regretted.  

To see it properly, I needed to make a full 24fps gif, but watch as she grasps his shoulder - the way she soundlessly mouths Mulder’s name and lets out a breath she was holding in.  She can see what will happen next if she doesn’t stop him.  It’s all Scully can do for him now.

Gotta, say, Gillian Anderson is phenomenal, isn’t she?  Just that tiny acting choice made such a difference to the power of this moment - the awareness she gives Scully of how vulnerable Mulder is and how he’s not thinking straight - she has to think for him - to protect him.  I don’t often talk about the acting, I analyse this like they are real people - because that’s what I do - but I just had to mention this because it’s so subtle yet so affecting.  Bravo Gillian.

Now, for the final scenes of the episode.  This is where I am going to get highly interpretive, so I fully expect some of you to not share my views on this. 

I believe the final scenes of this episode reflect the balance of influences in Mulder’s life.  The trauma of his sister’s abduction and Scully.

I don’t want to make this too much about Scully, even though this is an MSR analysis and I have a talent for making everything about MSR ha.  But I do think there is a dichotomy at play here.

The past - Samantha; and the future - Scully. Hurt and healing.

Scully wants to help Mulder, she doesn’t see him as just a work colleague anymore.  She wants to help him if she can.  She listens to his regression hypnosis tapes; trying to understand – she’s come to care about him a great deal at this point.

She writes no report, doesn’t share any of what happened with Blevins, her focus is on this damaged man.  Beyond superficial attraction and professional loyalty she wants to try to be there for him - as a friend.

Then it’s our first time to see Fox Mulder break down.  He’s sitting in a church, staring at a childhood photograph.  It’s significant, I think, that the photo is of both of them, not just Samantha.  He’s mourning for not just her, but for the boy he once was, for the promise of a life he once had.

It always intrigued me that Mulder found himself sitting in a church, since we know from various bits of dialogue throughout the series that Mulder is almost certainly an atheist.  He isn’t aware of Scully’s Catholicism at this point, so his being there is ultimately an unexplained anomaly.

So stepping away from the characters again - twice in one analysis! - I wonder if it’s a symbolic choice by Chris Carter.  Because Scully is wearing a cross from the pilot, so her faith was always a planned part of her character.  

My interpretation, then?  

It’s the dichotomy of influences in his life I mentioned earlier being visually represented.  He’s alone in his grief, holding the symbolic representation of his trauma - a photograph of his lost childhood.  But there is always that comforting presence, he always has Scully to look out for him, even in his darkest moments - and as the seasons progress, we see this bear out.  I like to think of Mulder being in the church as a symbol of Scully watching over him, just as she has watched over him throughout this episode.

Well shit, that was a long one. The longest yet I think?  I seriously hope this is not going to be a continuing trend!  I think there are some episodes, especially in the early seasons where things are happening for the first time which means it will take me a bit more work to get into the characters heads.  Also, this episode had a lot of heavy Mulder-centric stuff, but I think it ties into his relationship with Scully in many ways, so I hope I was able to effectively represent that.

Next up.  1x05 - Jersey Devil.