#intent doesn't fucking matter
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As you all probably know, I was the biggest Em apologist and would defend him but after this episode, god he just seems to fake. He keeps saying these things to Name but his actions told a different story. God, Name is too good for the people around him. He is far more forgiving than I am.
#remember me#remember me the series#remember me bl#everything that was said#every apology#the emotional burden was placed on name to forgive#not on em to actually be sorry#oh you're friend didn't mean it maliciously?#okay well why the fuck did you still let her say it?#intent doesn't fucking matter#the impact does though#and do you know what impact that had on Name?#he was ready to do something unspeakable#his mother saved his life that night completely accidentally#and you have the gall to show up and say she's sorry it wasn't malicious#well it certainly wasn't kind#she can shove it and so can you
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Periodic reminder that unless a person specifically and clearly tells you it is okay to tell others they are trans or queer, you should err on the side of caution and assume they do not want you to tell people (especially random people!) about their transness or queerness.
You have no idea, generally, why somebody doesn't talk openly about their trans or queer status, and you have no idea, truly, how somebody might react to that information. The most progressive person out there is still capable of harbouring incredibly negative thoughts about somebody's queer status.
#lesbian#gay#bi#bisexual#trans#transgender#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#ally advice#inspired after somebody at work outed me (again ×3)#i don't care how 'safe' you assume they will be! you cannot TRULY guarantee their safety!#you are effectively gambling with somebody's safety by assuming you can out them#also even if their safety was somehow 100% guaranteed it is still not your place to dictate what others know about THEM#like it isn't your own information you are giving out. the other person is a real human being with real thoughts...#...and there are real ramifications to your actions! this is like... real life and like... real people#anyway. i'm still fucking horrified at how cool people are (at least wrt me) with outing others 🙃🫠#and it just... further reminds me that others see me as like... a thing to be talked about/over and i'm not seen as an autonomous human#maybe that's not their intentions 9/10 times but that still doesn't justify it nor does it change how i interpret that behaviour 👍#it's just dehumanizing imo to be reminded 'your comfort DOESN'T MATTER. i think you should be talked ABOUT not TO.'#clarification for the first tag: this is the THIRD time somebody has outed me. i NEVER talk about being trans to... pretty much ANYBODY irl#it's shit like this that i have to resist taking the 'doompill' over#because it's scary and dehumanizing every. single. time. i feel so fucking scared each time#because - AGAIN - i know my safety will NEVER be guaranteed because i am trans and queer
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#dbtag#silly hours#god#I feel like that's a really clear and consistent thing throughout the entirety of the manga but OTL leave it to Toei!!!!#lays on the floor I wish people were less afraid of letting “good guys” be flawed and selfish and reckless without having to like.#idk vilify them?#like Goku does and always has had a ton of negative qualities about him but what keeps him a protag and what keeps those negatives charming#is that 1) he never promises to be anything Else. If you're upset by his behavior that's a you problem Goku's just doing Goku#He's only upset when Other People get hurt because 2) almost none of those negative qualities contain any malice whatsoever#even as a kid when he was 'i killed that guy' it was like 'i solved a problem why are you mad (gen)' not 'good fucking riddance lol'#and he kept that as an adult too even when he learned more about compassion he's still 'well if you're not gonna stop i have to kill you'#it's never 'fuck off and die' it's always 'listen buddy either you knock it off or i knock you out there is no option c '#and god i love that Goku. I spent so long thinking I hated Goku growing up but I only hated Toei's Goku. Toriyama's Goku is GREAT.#like look if an antagonist is just a hero with the wrong perspective a hero is just a villain with the right one#and the fact that Goku has all of the qualities of a villain with none of the malice or intention makes him SO POWERFUL as a character#Goku doesn't like bystanders getting hurt. That doesn't make him less chaotic and self-centered and simplistic in his worldview.#A hero sacrifices his loved ones to save the world -- a villain sacrifices the world to save his loved ones --#Goku sacrifices himself because you cannot kill him in any way that matters#idskahds anyway here's another essay in the tags for your wednesday evening scroll#the justification the interviewer gave was that the anime was for kids but my beef with that is that Hero Tropes strip chaotic characters#of their emotions. Goku's conflicts are emotional. Goku's power is emotional. Goku's childlikeness keep him authentically emotional.#MORE kids -- ESPECIALLY little boys -- deserve a male protagonist who leans into his emotions to persevere and win.#Super deciding his “angelic state” would kill him makes me want to tear my hair out lmao Goku's EMOTIONS are too strong to hold it.#you could've just asked toriyama about it why'd you decide on the most basic high-stakes shorthand possible OTL#aNYWAY#media analysis#in the tags at least lol
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its so funny that all minute—the guy who once upon a time hoped to redeem zam—'s team has accomplished is getting him to consider giving up his remaining honor in order to match the level they're playing on ?
#m#lifesteal#i can't stop thinking about minute&co dismissing the argument about how they've encouraged players#to ban themselves and thus contradicted their own stated goal#the way 'peaceful ending' warped into 'it doesn't matter what we do so long as we can flip a switch at the end' but what the fuck happens#in a scenario where you unban everyone who you've pissed off ? are they happy? is that peace? and you won't even defend the choice!#what the fuck is happening here!#you laugh at zam for saying he's won but you won't have the argument that you know you'd lose ^_^#none of this is angry in tone i'm having fun. thisis my bread and butter. i'm happy lifesteal is weird and tense again#enjoying that it's looped this far around into the ACTIVE dismissal of rp-logic where zam&co are having to say 'okay then#we'll win This game too!'#them acting dismayed that mapicc wouldn't walk into that obsidian box. like oh my god#and it's so different from the weird tenseness of s4 it's something different entirely. new meta conflicts just for me !????#we'll see how it all ends.... they might make me mad again but we'll cross that bridge#it's so different from the Vitalasy Incident even though both involve people functioning in opposition to lifesteal's 'storytelling rules'#for vi it was because of his emotional investment. it manifested in nothing but endless 'character-level' debate in the lead up and#plenty of emotional roleplay from vitalasy in the aftermath#vi's primary effect on season 4 through the wormhole was to render lifesteal's gameplay obsolete#pb&j's primary effect is instead to focus intently on Winning that game while everything else falls by the wayside
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3.13 | ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʟᴏʀᴅꜱ
link to the post I accidentally wound up prattling endlessly about in the tags 💀
#doctor who#tenth doctor#martha jones#david tennant#freema agyeman#(good god. without even meaning to I went into 'psycho stream of consciousness tagging' mode. whoops)#always thinking of that one post#where OP mentions how the writing tries to make it seem like Ten looked right through Martha/etc#which is a good concept for demonstrating his grief. but also isnt what we really see throughout S3#(not saying he wasn't a grieving MESS because he was. but he's a multi-faceted character and he can grieve AND value Martha simultaneously)#but we see such fierce protective instinct+trust; a bond between them that obviously isn't some one-sided affair#+ his clear intent to impress her/be admired and respected by her (apropos the post that inspired this sentiment)#but RTD obviously isn't the most infallible of writers#*cough* [list of reasons I cut down b/c long] *cough*#He can make Martha say “he's not seeing me/he doesn't look at me” but then you just watch with your eyes and you get a different story#It's like the opposite of when Moffat tries to make you believe someone is super important through bold claims without showing his work#instead RTD tries to make you believe Ten is functionally blind to Martha's existence while showing numerous examples of the contrary#then bring in the novels+myspace blog+cartoon that he all signed off on. Which tie together to create a canon backdrop#basically I said all of that to say this—#it's the whole reason I had to make this blog to get this sort of stuff off my chest (even if it's just for me sometimes)—#Ten not only SAW Martha—he trusted+respected+enjoyed+adored her. And it's a good thing#it doesn't cheapen his grief. I feel like people must think it does which is why I constantly see bad unnecessary takes about them#it just means that Martha was SO important to him and it's ok. they had a killer friendship outside the unrequited minutiae and it's ok#there's even a comic where 'someone' makes him believe she's Martha and he makes her change her appearance because “it's still too raw”#Just saying you don't say that sort of thing about someone whose existence you're all blasé about#Martha already gets fucked by the narrative in enough ways without people totally missing her significance in the Doctor's life#you don't have to ship them to appreciate them on a deeper level#anyway. fuck. if you actually read all of these then I'm so sorry#creating this blog has taught me that there are only like two people who feel the same way about tenmartha matters and it’s fine 😂#but if I didn’t give myself an outlet it would probably form a tumor SO there we are then
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Preparing myself to read a Persona 5 fic because it sounds super interesting but Maruki is a tagged character which means there's like a 70% chance that he's being mischaracterized
#if someone can recommend me fics where this Doesn't Happen i would be so glad#i will still read it either way but it's just a pet peeve#why can't y'all comprehend moral greyness#maruki ISN'T AN EVIL SUPERVILLAIN#HE'S NOT EVEN EVIL#i've written fics btw i'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything. like i said i will read them#but it's not just with fics like he gets mischaracterized So Much from literally everywhere in the fandom#how did you play through the entirety of persona 5 royal and come to teh conclusion that maruki is an evil man#who manipulated teenagers because he is malicious and horrible#when the story quite literally tells you. that he is NOT an evil horrible person#i'm not gonna deny that he manipulated teenagers into playing into his plan but he is most definitely not evil#nor did he do it with malicious intent. nuance DOES MATTER 😃#persona 5#persona 5 royal#p5#p5r#takuto maruki#maruki takuto#fuck that teh up there i'm not going back to fix it i'll just sound like a cringe 13 year old on tumblr in 2014#i'm not saying you can't criticize him i'm saying that acting like he's evil on a shido level or even Near that is stupid#because. again. maruki is a morally grey antagonist. he is NOT MALICIOUS.#i notice it's usually akechi fans who do this because of akechi's attitude towards maruki in-game#akechi has been one of my favorite characters ever even since vanilla p5 when the ending to his character arc kinda sucked#but him being one of my favorite characters does not impact my ability to read analyze and comprehend text#i think the persona fandom in general should try it sometime 👍
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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actually it's kind of funny how people will say Alex's fatal flaw is that he 'doesn't ask for help' and that it's his determination to handle things on his own that leads to his deterioration and eventual death when his whole introduction to the present-day timeline was a very literal cry for help that simply went ignored
#N posts stuff#like even if you think alex was lying throughout the entirety of season 2 and he was waiting from the Moment jay showed up#JUST to kill him (Which again i don't think makes much sense when he could have killed Tim & Jay immediately instead of#breaking Tim's leg. anyway) EVEN IF alex spent that whole time lying it doesn't actually change the fact that he would have at least#been Pretending to Ask For Help and if he wasn't lying then he was Literally Asking For Help and it doesn't Actually matter#what intention Alex had because the text is Ambiguous about Alex's honesty during season two; what isn't ambiguous is the way#other characters (specifically Jay) respond to him; like yeah - S2 Brian/Tim were never in one million years going to help Alex with shit#so sort of any argument that brings up Tim as someone who asks for/offers help is borderline meaningless in this era of the series#Jay had the 'opportunity' to help Alex (and i'll get back to that in a sec) but DIDN'T - Jay wasn't Interested in actually offering Alex#'help' bc Jay is ultimately curious about Answers and 'Offering Help' and 'Getting Answers' are two Wildly conflicting goals#Jay thinks Alex has answers and when Alex doesn't Offer these 'Answers' to Jay on a silver platter Jay gets pissed off and paranoid#and starts Stalking Alex bc he thinks it's 'Suspicious' that Alex won't give him the Answers (that Alex probably doesn't Actually have)#ANYWAY. ultimately this post is about how it's absurd when people argue#that individual character choices could have made a difference in the way this series played out - specifically wrt Alex#because EVERYONE in this WHOLE series are being affected by influences outside of their control ; including Brian Tim and Jay#so it's silly when people are like 'if ALEX had just made a different choice For Himself this could have all been avoided' WRONG.#bc Ultimately there's not really a way to 'help' someone else out of this situation - Tim tried and failed Repeatedly#the comics proved he even failed with Jessica - like MH isn't a horror situation where you can kill the big bad#'getting help' is a meaningless argument - what would successfully helping or getting help even look like? anyway.#the sub argument of this post is that Alex's biggest 'sin' is that he doesn't perform emotions the way other people want him to#like Alex is a character with a kind of flat affect - instead of LOOKING scared or grieved he LOOKS bored or angry#and everyone judges him based on that - so Alex is 'Suspicious' he's 'Lying' he's 'Guilty' but all of these deductions are predicated#on the belief that Alex isn't reacting to his circumstances the way a 'Normal' person would - so it MUST all be an act and so he's guilty#so everyone treats him like he's guilty until the end of season two when he's like 'Fuck it FINE i'll be guilty then' and so it goes#not a self-fulfilled prophecy but being Cornered Into a prophecy and then Blamed for it - SAD. anyway
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:/
#someone just reblogged my old art with ID#which i usually appreciate except this person tagged it with 'add this to your main post not under a readmore'#like an order. and it iffed me out so much i straight up blocked them#like hello even my dad doesn't talk to me like that. who the FUCK do you think you are#anyway i might go and add alt text to my art posts but yeah#don't talk to people you don't know like that folks. don't give them orders?? it's rude as fuck no matter your intention
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why did some guy tell me me smile/I look like I'm going to kill someone at the train station
#this is literally my fucking resting face fuck off!!!!!!#doesn't matter what i do people are going to interpret whatever i do with violent intentions in mind#ibe embraced that people think im scary its called being bladk 👍 im a scary bladk bitch walking down the street.#can we move on!?
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Every second remain alive I become more and more convinced that you only way someone could ever stand a chance of successfully romancing me would be to pretend they have zero romantic feelings for me (or even better, genuinely only think of me platonically) and be my close friend for a minimum of two years, and THEN broach the subject of them liking me. Because that's the only way my brain will ever even consider putting this person into the category of romantic partner/possibility.
#I feel like any time someone approaches me with romantic intentions - even respectful ones#It doesn't matter how much time or how many intimate conversations we have#I will never be fully comfortable with them#My brain rejects them#I'm repelled by the thought of going out with someone I don't know#And if they did approach me that way and I was like let's be friends for a while see how that goes#Even if nothing happened and it was never brought up my brain would just always be like “this person wants to be with you”#“They want to date you or maybe even fuck you”#And that would just sour the friendship for me#I would never be able to get comfortable and that does not a friendship make#Which rules out the possibility of any FUTURE romantic interest bc I'll never feel close enough to be interested#Does that make sense?#I've only ever been in one relationship and I hated it#Asexual? I think?#Maybe even aromantic shit#Demiromantic? Is that a thing? Gotta be#Asexual#asexuality#demiromantic#Demisexual#aroace#aromantic#aromantism
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are you guys thinking about touya todoroki today because i am
#what if he just wanted to be good what if he burned up and out waiting for his parent to look at him and just LOVE HIM#what if all he ever wanted was that positive affirmation what if he just needed to be treated kindly and was instead#offered only cruelty what if he was a child who didn't need to be strong he just needed to be held#what if raising children to be soldiers regardless of good intention is still a fucked up thing to do#because they're CHILDREN they just want you to be nice to them they don't care about being the strongest#and why does being the strongest matter more than anything else? is that really worth doing all this damage?#is it really worth being so mean? you're supposed to love them why won't you show it#and it haunts him so much he literally BURNS HIMSELF ALIVE OVER IT and no one even comes to watch#and when the rejection finally FINALLY gets through his head and he's forced to accept that he's never gonna get that love#and acknowledgement that he needs so much he doesnt heal from it and choose to be the bigger person#he instead becomes something ugly and mean and messy and awful and he's a sum of all the acts made against him#because he's ANGRY and he doesn't care that he's angry he's shameless and embracing of that rage#because it covers up the hurt and if he has to hurt people in order to avoid his own pain then that's what he'll do#and to the very end he's shouting every bad thing that happened to him refusing to go down quietly about it#refusing to be a good little victim that shakes and cries in a corner and lets things sort themselves out because it NEVER DOES#NO ONE EVER SAVES HIM. NO ONE EVER PROTECTS HIM. WHY WON'T THEY PROTECT HIM#and not a single person acknowledges him. not a single person looks on him with pity#there's no one there to say 'that was shit and you deserved better'. no one. and what did he honestly do that was so bad as to deserve this#he was a child who wanted to be loved. to be good. that's all#touya todoroki#literally feels like his character was created to make me specifically want to blow my brains out el oh el <3
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Also to put some context straight because I realise I might make it sound like Alex's writing Right Now is bad. It's not, it's been bad since Elizabeth's death.
It's not gross only because of the real world circumstances. Alex's writing is bad disregarding how the real world looks right now because turning your own character into a meme one-liner machine as soon as she's served her narrative high point in the story is just bad writing all around. (Not to say that she didn't have one-liners before but after Elizabeth's death it's been her Only narrative purpose.) And Alex being the (in-game context here, this is not true for Helena's canon where Anne has a broken family and Lisa is queer too, but I'm not giving SSE credit for what Helena has built and neither should you, because they're separate canons) only queer rep, working class rep, and character with an (actually shown) broken family dynamic makes everything about her flanderization gross no matter what. It reads incredibly fucking gross no matter what. Because it's really fucking interesting how SSE is so hellbent on turning their very (and only) marginalized character with some very real struggles into a fucking joke. The fact that we're currently in an economical recession and that SSE had the perfect opportunity to show a working class character having a very real struggle many young people (and also adults) face of hating their job and struggling with a system not made for them and also hates you and wants you to continue in your misery that often isn't your fault is just salt on the wound. (Which is another point, Alex is VERY easy to read as neurodivergent and the questline, as I've gotten informed, has some Really unfortunate "yikes you think Differently and not like everyone else?" dialogue that is already tired and unnecessary but is extra Yikes when you remember this.)
Alex's writing is bad because SSE refuse to treat her as a character, it's just even worse when you look at the real life circumstances.
Alex should not only be a character when certain people write her. Alex should not only be well-written when she's written by people who relate to her. She should be well-written all the time because some standard sense of character consistency is WRITING BASICS.
As I've been saying, calling it tone deaf doesn't even begin to cover it, but it is being nice about it.
#Like game Alex has it fucking all#And SSE are doing Everything wrong with it it's fucking impressive#This is why Doylist views are important btw#The real world matters#The fact that someone is writing her matters#She's fictional there's intent#And sometimes there isn't intent but things can exist on accident too and it's important to acknowledge that because just because something#wasn't Supposed to be there#As in I don't think SSE are Meaning to make fun of working class people but it's what they're doing#Doesn't mean it isn't there and it still deserves to be critiqued
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#like i definitely have to hide my meds#because if my mother knows#she will actively try and fuck around with things and stop me taking them#like#she's hidden my waterbottle books snacks all sorts of things from my room she just comes in and takes it#because she has to be right#she's so controlling and always has to have things go her way#so she does this kinda stuff to mess with me and fuck around#literally today#like its the 3rd time shes taken my waterbottle and hidden it#whatever her intentions are it doesn't matter rn its her actions that do#and her actions are really shitty and affecting me really badly!#so unsurprisingly im very done with putting up with a ton of bullshit#like she justifies the waterbottle thing with well its plastic#but like ffs like i do not drink water if i cannot see it#why tf are you making it harder#and like#to that she says i should jsut suck it up?#why fucking make life harder then expect me to cope when lifes already hard#make it easier and stop being a puritan#same kinda thing applies to like to do lists etc#she says i cant put things down i should remember them#before used to shame me for having things noted down#before i started hiding everything away neatly
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yeah so i dont get the "wasn't that some fucked up shit? anyway i'm Rod Sterling" mentality some people have towards different narrative reads. It's all sweet and cool to want to explore all the different variations of a fucked up scenario, but i'm gonna need the reasons for it. I need the "why"; why are we exploring this thing? Why is it important to explore this story? what am i getting out of it? and no it's not about morality.
I dont need a story to teach me "good" life lessons, though that'd be lovely. I dont need it to be an exceptional and exemplary narrative even, but i need my discoveries to be purposeful and meaningful. Sometimes the aim for an exploration of say, a very tragic story, is to simply experiences the different flavours and nuances and complexities of a deeply held personal emotion; sometimes it helps us find the mirroring and connection and relatedness that we need to feel seen and heard and understood. Sometimes it helps you parse out your own bullshit by taking it out of your head and putting it in front of you– i dont care what the reason is, but there's a reason. There's a purpose for every single endeavour you take on, even if you haven't discovered the reason yet. "i just want to experience a fucked up shit" lazy superficial thinking, dig deeper. I hate superficial and purposeless shit; and no i'm not gonna explore the 863796373th trending trauma porn piece of the day because "wouldn't that be fucked up?" nah. I dont care, it's got no use to me. I will absolutely respect the endeavour and make space for it if someone tells me something as simple as "it is relevant to me and my interests and experiences and my mental preoccupations, and helps me refine my humanity and my understanding of humanity in general", that is a lovely and true statement. But if someone keeps churning out worst possible fucked up sad scenarios one after another under the "wouldn't that be fucked up?" flag, i'm out, i dont give a fuck. take your sad shit somewhere else, i have absolutely zero space for purposeless horrible narratives that positively add nothing to my life and dont help me navigate it in any meaningful way.
#and no we dont say the same thing about happy stories because happy stories feel good. that can be a purpose in and of itself#if someone tells me that tragic stories make them feel good i can still make space for it; it's not as sturdy a means but it'll do just fin#i literally dont get the '' fucked up story for the sake of fucked up story'' crowd like ???????#you guys do understand that we live by the narratives we immerse ourselves into right?? you know that our worldviews and beliefs#and conscious/subconscious frameworks are all stories we tell ourselves right?? right?????#This rant delivered to you by me seeing that tumblr famous Tamsyn Muir quote 3 in the morning and like#lmaoooo no.#millenials leak their incessant nihilism into every fucking crevice of the arts and it's so tiring to watch.#no your constant deconstruction of meaning and purpose and value is not cute#no you're not subversive and revolutionary for creating the 85379637th Sad Shit Of The Day— you're literally protocol behavior#and you couldn't be more in alignment with the moral status quo of our time.#no aimless and listless shock value traumatic stories are not fun and 'adventurous';#they just speak to you circling right back into the comfortable confinements of your socially acceptable superficiality#and vapid consumerism.#goddd i'm tired. lack of purpose frees these fuckers from ever having to align with any substantial endeavour in their goddamn lives#and they think it's so funny; it's not.#I expect something out of the stories i explore. ''tragedy for the sake of tragedy'' is the laziest thing i have ever heard.#humans are designed to be happy; they're also designed to engage in meaningful and intentional growth.#own up to anything to gives you a chance to grow and expand and change or get the fuck out of my face#this blog is an absolutely unsafe space for socially sanctioned neutered nihilism#i will hunt you for sport; it doesn't matter anyway right??
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by 🫡#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months 👍#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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