#intended to read just the first couple of pieces and kept reading 'just one more' until i've got about 2/3 read

[fictionadventurer]

"It looked like a good day for setting fence posts, and my mother said so while taking the biscuits from the oven. 'Some morning early, when I can get away, I want you to come with me along the edge of the hill in the wood-lot," she continued. "When the shadows of the trees begin to come down the slope, as the sun rises you feel the turning of the earth. You feel the whole globe under your feet rolling into the sunlight. . . . That's something I found one morning when I was driving the calves to pasture. I've been saving it up for you. I wonder if you've seen a more beautiful dawn in any of the places you've been.'

On my fingers I count the dawns I have seen--memorable, just in being dawns. Sleepy-eyed dawn from the Paris markets after a night of dancing; mist dawn against which I was just to late to see the minarets of Constantinople--all the fault of the stupid stewardess who didn't wake me in time; one startling moment of color on the hills around the Dead Sea before they went colorless in merciless heat; sudden dawn like a clap of light over the freezing-cold Syrian desert. Four dawns in twenty years. No, I do not know dawns as my mother does."

-- Rose Wilder Lane, "A Place in the Country" (1925)

[grapementos]

perseverance

aged up bakugo x reader

pt. 3 to this

numerous panic attacks had ensued since you were discharged from the hospital, but not all of them reached their final stages like the first had.

you’d grown better at grounding yourself and having some semblance of control over your anxiousness. slowly but surely, you felt the pain ebbing away.

it would never be gone completely, you knew, and every day you questioned the possibility of things being different.

what if katsuki hadn’t quit being a hero? what if he’d proposed just as he’d planned to? would your wedding have been beautiful? your marriage successful and healthy?

there were so many what ifs that hurt your heart just to think about.

yet, all you did was think about it—in the best, healthiest way.

you set aside your pride and fears and confided not only in your friends, but in a therapist. you had sessions weekly, and every time you walked out of the office, you felt a little lighter.

for the first time, you understood that it was okay to still love katsuki, to still want to be with him. in fact, they initially expressed how they wished the two of you had tried couples therapy before everything went south.

that was another what if that hurt.

you were always the more rational, levelheaded one. why hadn’t you thought of it, encouraged it? would it have made a difference? those thoughts kept you awake at night, haunting your mind and mocking you with images of a perfect life with katsuki. the life you could've had.

those thoughts were bumps in your path to recovery. it was only through those thoughts, however, that you learned that the road wasn't linear. you had amazing days when you felt strong and independent, days when you'd feel like you were in a colgate commercial. other days, you wanted to set your apartment on fire and disappear. you wanted to scream until your voice was gone, vocal chords torn to shreds. some days, you just wanted everything to stop.

through the good and the bad, you were able to persevere through the challenging navigation of a breakup. still, you granted yourself permission to still love him. to be in love with him. that love would never just vanish, you'd realized a few months into your journey. it dulled, flickered, and faded, but never vanished.

-

you'd found that implementing a routine in your daily life had greatly improved your overall mental health.

this morning, you turned on the news as you made yourself breakfast--a meal you forced yourself to consume, no matter how little it was.

as you grabbed what you needed from the cupboards, a name in the news had you pausing everything.

"...following his spontaneous philanthropic streak, former hero dynamight announces that he will be hosting a tell-all session at our local library. there, he intends to, quote, 'make amends with those i might have hurt with my words, actions, or lack thereof...' well, you heard it here. don't miss a valiant display of heroic vulnerability today at noon. in other news..."

you gaped at the tv, the glass bowl slipping from your suddenly clammy fingers.

philanthropic streak? where had you been?

the sound of the glass breaking reached your ears a whole minute after it hit the ground, snapping you out of your dumbfounded stupor.

"shit," you cursed, crouching down to pick up the pieces.

no, don't even think about it.

you looked at the clock, reading 8 as the time. plenty of time for you to get dressed and go.

no.

you could easily make it in time and sit in the back, just to see him and hear what he had to say.

no.

you'd wear something inconspicuous and hide in the back, just being silent. and then you'd leave, after ten minutes.

no.

every no carried a little bit of yes at the end of it, forcefully dragging you out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a shower. it was closure, you argued to yourself, closure that you desperately needed.

it's going to be excuses, nothing but lies.

dark clothes are the best choice, you decided, anxiously changing into something you deemed inconspicuous. just ten minutes, it was all you needed.

don't throw all your progress away for ten minutes.

you stared at the mirror, trying to find a single good reason to stay home. yet, every thought in your mind convinced you that this, this is what you needed. you needed to hear him express his regret, his remorse to other people. people who once trusted and supported him in his endeavors, only to be woefully let down by his bouts of anger.

this will just make you hurt more. don't do this.

you discarded every invasive voice in the back of your brain and found yourself at the library come noon, hidden behind a bookshelf. you browsed the shelves with unseeing eyes, thoughts drowned out by the low murmur of the large crowd seated in front of the small stage in the center.

the library was home to many plays around the city, which you found ironic. would this be another display of dramatism and lies?

just as you found a book with a flattering cover, the mic whined with a little feedback.

"sorry about that."

you knew the voice, but the genuineness was foreign to you. you peeked over the row of books, your blood running cold as you saw katsuki sitting meekly on a chair on the stage.

"hello, everyone. i'm, uh, i'm bakugo katsuki, but most of you might know me as dynamight," he began, scanning the crowd, "a lot of you might not be fond of me based, um, based on my time as a hero."

many voices mumbled in agreement at that, which made him laugh, just the slightest. it made your chest swell with pride he didn't deserve.

"and i really don't blame you. i carried a lot of my immaturity from high school into adulthood. my biggest problem was that i saw heroism as a means to an end, a," he motioned with his hands, trying to find the words, "a stepping stone to being 'the best'--whatever that means. and i got lost in my obsession with my image."

you listened intently, at least half sure that you were listening to a complete stranger talk. the katsuki you knew had nowhere near this much humility.

"with that being said, my first apology goes to you, the people of this beloved city. you deserved someone who had your best interest at heart, and i'm sorry that couldn't be me. but, rest assured, i am very familiar with the current top ten and can say with confidence that they are the heroes you deserve."

you found yourself tearing up at his words, so awestruck by the complete 360 in his persona.

the crowd cheered at his words, as pleasantly surprised with his chanage as you were.

"thank you," he chuckled when the crowd quieted down, "next, i'd like to apologize to my friends and family. they definitely got some of the worst of it. for years, they suggested therapy for the anger that i just couldn't seem to control. and for years, brushed them off, over and over again. i insisted that my anger was fuel for my quirk, when in reality, it was detrimental. dangerous. so, mom, dad, all my friends, i'm sorry it took me so long to take your advice. thank you for standing by me."

you werent sure if the session was being broadcasted, but you sure hope it was. kirishima, mina, sero, and denki deserved to hear it. more than that, you were shocked to discover that he'd also been in therapy. so he really meant it..

another round of applause.

"last, and most important," he sucked in a sharp breath, "i'd like to apologize to the love of my life."

you stilled, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over your head. no, no way.

"i spent three amazing years with the only person i could ever see myself loving. they were the most patient, the most kind person you could ever imagine. they stood by me during every slandering headline, every angry episode, every single ugly moment. they were there."

you covered your mouth and crouched down to the floor, squeezing you eyes shut. no, hell no, you refused to cry.

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a sweaty palm against his jeans, "they were devoted to me, to us. i'd be nothing without their impact on my life, and i've done the worst job at showing it. i," he stammered, scrunching his eyebrows together, "i ruined what we had, and i've never regret anything more. i know all the philanthropy and therapy and apologies in the world can never take back my insensitivity, but i will never stop being sorry, and i swear i'll grow every day."

you had to clamp your hand harder over your mouth to prevent any sniffles or sobs from escaping and alerting everyone to your presence. his words were so genuine, so wholehearted that you knew he truly had changed.

"i'll love them forever, regardless of if they hate me. with that love, i'll destroy any semblance of the douchebag-asshole-monster i used to be." he smiled out to the crowd as a final goodbye, "thank you, everyone. you don't owe me your forgiveness, but i hope you'll consider forgiving me one day."

people clapped, whistled, cheered for him as he turned off the mic.

meanwhile, your heart was racing. you didn't have a single coherent thought in your mind other than the fact that he loved you. he loves you.

he wasn't begging or crying this time, his acts weren't out of desperation. he was completely and totally vulnerable in front of a group of people that he didn't even know included you.

as people flooded out of the library, you shakily pushed yourself to your feet. what now? how could you possibly be expected to walk all the way to your car and drive home in this state of mind?

with a quick breathing technique your therapist taught you, you calmed down enough to get your hands to stop trembling.

katsuki had started helping the security guards pick up and stack the chairs, making small talk with them as they cleaned up the area.

you wiped at your cheeks, hoping they weren't too blotchy. with a quiet breath, you silently crept away from behind the bookshelf and toward the exit.

unfortunately, your far-from ninja-like skills couldn't get past the years of hero instincts engraved in every muscle fiber of katsuki's body.

"y/n?"

you froze, shoulders tensing as you slowly turned around.

"hey, bakugo," you cleared your throat, averting your eyes, "that was, uh, that was nice of you. good job."

there was something undetectable in his face, something you couldn't put your finger on, "oh, thanks, i-" he stepped closer, but stopped when he sensed your hesitance, "i didn't expect to see you here."

"i didn't expect to be here." you said honestly, fidgeting with your fingers, "but i should, uh, probably get going."

he opened and shut his mouth a few times before he sighed and nodded, "okay. but i really meant it, you know? everything i said."

fuck, you were going to cry again. you didn't want to, not in front of him.

"i know." you nodded, "i don't.. hate you, you know? we both had issues that we chose to resolve separately."

"i just wish," he sighed, looking for the words, "i wish that was't the case."

you couldn't hold in your tears anymore, a few cascading down your cheek, but you quickly wiped them away.

"i know." you swallowed hard, trying to prevent your voice from doing that embarrassing, high-pitched crack, "i do too."

he opened his arms, offering a hug and you just couldn't say no. the space was so perfectly carved for you.

you hugged him tight, burying your face into his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry, y/n. i'm sorry for everything." he whispered into your hair, his voice wet with tears, "i never deserved you."

you just cried harder, knuckles white as you gripped onto the back of his shirt. you wanted to speak, to reassure him that it wasn't completely his fault, but you couldn't pause for a breath long enough to say a single word.

instead, the two of you dropped to the ground, arms wrapped around each other with a desperation that you only feel for each other. a once-in-a-lifetime desperation.

the two of you cried and held each other, and somehow you knew everything was going to be okay.

and this concludes the triology! thank you for the overwhelming support on this series that wasn't even meant to be a series!

taglist: @blackout-ice-biohazard @survivorofmath @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @odessa-is-my-queen @firesmokeandashes @valentineshiftz @sil-ver-shadow @echosfadve

[yumeka-sxf]

My thoughts on Spy x Family: EYES ONLY Guidebook (English ver) - part 3

Continuing from my previous two posts, this will be my last post discussing the English version of the SxF manga guidebook "EYES ONLY." I'll discuss some of Endo's and Lin's comments on specific chapters, some of the included concept art for the series, all the Twiyor tidbits the book has to offer, and conclude with a couple things the English version of the book omits.

Endo's and Lin's comments on specific chapters

There's at least one comment from Endo and/or Lin on every chapter of the manga from when the book was originally published (up to chapter 61). Unfortunately I can't cover every single comment, but I did want to highlight a few (more will be covered in the Twiyor tidbits later on).

So Bond wouldn't have actually died from Yor's cooking then? Good to know her cooking isn't that bad, lol. Also that's a good question, Lin, maybe you should ask Endo? 😅

Lots of great info about the cruise arc. Makes sense that they had to plan it out many months in advance and keep revising it to patch up plot holes. All that work definitely paid off! Interesting that they almost considered not having Loid on the ship at all. Glad they didn't because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten one of his best outfits! 🤣 (can't wait to see this piece of work in color in the anime!)

Incidentally, the scene Endo mentions where he "managed to make Yor look pretty cute" is this one (she does look pretty cute here).

My favorite comment of Endo's about any chapter has to be this one for chapter 56. Never change, Endo 😂

And lastly, some good comments about chapter 59 (Becky visits the Forgers).

This is one of my favorite stand-alone chapters so I'm glad it was well received. Funny how they kept going with the joke instead of ending it "normally"...but when you have such great characters and setups, good comedy writes itself!

Below is Endo's commentary about Henderson, not a specific chapter, but thought I'd point it out since he mentions Henderson is the only character he's done a shower scene for...not anymore!

Also, while not related to a specific chapter, I do like what Endo says below about Loid and Yor's "dark sides."

He enjoys drawing them this way, which is cool, but he's also cautious about not overdoing it and saving those expressions for important situations.

Concept art

Most of the pre-serialization character designs included in this book were also in the exhibition pamphlet, which I already discussed thoroughly here (wish I had remembered these were in the fanbook so I wouldn't have put so much effort into trying to read Endo's scribble notes). So I'll just mention a few of the most notable things.

As I discussed in my post about the pamphlet, Franky was at some point intended to be the uncle of the family. Though I do think it would have been fitting to make him the uncle, I also like the main focus being on just the "nuclear" family, with the uncle and other characters having supportive roles.

An interesting note about the beta version of Yor is that she seemed to be more like Fiona - she was in love with Loid right from the start, to the point of trying to eliminate Anya! I doubt this is something she would be doing all the time as it would have been difficult to make her a likable main character if she was always trying to kill her daughter...in all likelihood, she would have tried to kill Anya at first before eventually learning to love her as a daughter. While I see how this could work for an intriguing character arc, I'm glad Endo decided to make Yor a loving mother to Anya right away, and not make her feelings for Loid an obsessive "love at first sight" kind of thing.

Twiyor tidbits

Being the shipper that I am, I tried to see if I could pinpoint any Twiyor subtleties throughout the book, as vague as they may be! 😂

Below are excerpts from Loid and Yor's character pages where we're given info on their current stance about each other.

Love the emphasis on their bond of trust ❤️

Below are excerpts from chapters 14 and 35, probably the most Twiyor-heavy chapter pages in the book.

This confirms that Loid did indeed interpret Yor's kick as her not having any romantic feelings for him.

Below are comments by Endo and Lin for chapter 30, where Fiona is introduced.

Endo's line is a little ambiguous here, but I think he's saying how people sympathize with Fiona because she's "doomed to lose," which is...telling 😅 (does Fiona's loss automatically mean a Twiyor win?)

Endo says he likes the "You're strong, Yor" conversation, one of the most Twiyor-ish scenes in the series so far! 😊 Lin also mentioned how they got to use that theme again during the Becky chapter.

Weird that he chose to highlight this line of all things as Loid's "Family Comment" for chapter 10. Could this and chapter 79 be more foreshadowing for an eventual "Twilight vs Thorn Princess" showdown? 👀 Or maybe he just likes teasing fans because he knows it's something they fantasize about.

English version omissions

There's an additional Endo interview that's missing from the English version of the book: an interview with him and Kazumi Takayama, a former idol of the group Nogizaka46.

At first it seemed very odd that they would leave out just this interview, but after discussing it with others on Discord, I realized it's because it has to do with an idol. Apparently getting licensing rights for anything that has to do with a Japanese idol group is very difficult, which is further hindered by the fact that Takayama isn't even part of that idol group anymore, which makes getting the content green lit for official release overseas even more taxing. So probably Viz decided it wasn't worth the trouble and just left out that interview. But thankfully u/Nemshi on Reddit posted a fan translation of it, which you can read here. They talk a bit about SxF, but most of it is just general questions they ask each other.

And the other thing missing from the English version that I really can't understand is the inside cover! Another great 4th-wall breaking joke from Endo (I added a quick translation of the Japanese version below).

Unlike the Takayama interview, I have no idea why they didn't include this. They include the inside cover as an extra page in all the English volumes, so why not here? Very weird.

---

And that's all I'm going to share for the "EYES ONLY" fanbook! Honestly, there's so much great content in the book that I didn't touch on, like info about East/West relations, about Eden Academy, Endo's comments on all the designer chairs for the volume covers...and lots more. So definitely get a copy yourself if you can! It's a must-have for any SxF fan 😁 Books like this aren't officially released in English very often, so the fact that Viz thought it was worthwhile to make this proves how much of a hit SxF is!

<- Return to Part 2

[frodo-with-glasses]

25 Questions with Phil Dragash: YES, SERIOUSLY!

So y'all know how I was reviewing Phil Dragash's audiobook of LotR last year, but kinda fell off somewhere in the middle of Rohan?? Well, guess what! A couple weeks ago, I received a tumblr message from the man himself, saying he'd read through all my reviews, had really enjoyed the little blast from the past, and was open to answering questions if I had any!

So of course, I had LOTS of questions.

The first one being: "Are you actually the real Phil Dragash??"

But I'm delighted to say that after exchanging emails with the work email listed on his website, I can confidently say that it is the real dude, and I've had a blast chatting with him! So for those of you who urged I listen to this audiobook—especially @laurelindorenan for her glowing recommendation—and for everyone else who likes the audiobook and/or enjoyed my reviews: I am delighted to present, ladies and gentlehobbits, this peek behind the curtain!

But of course I'm putting it all below the cut, because this man rambles like I do 🤣

Obligatory disclaimer: All opinions presented by Mr. Dragash are his own, I am not necessarily condoning any of them; please do not come after me for his opinions regarding pineapple on pizza.

25 QUESTIONS, LET'S GO!

1. Tell me how you got into Lord of the Rings!

I was ten years old when my dad took me to the library, and found a VHS copy of Ralph Bakshi’s 1978 animated Lord of the Rings film. I was already a fan of the “Chronicles of Narnia” and my dad just handed the tape to me and said “Look, C.S. Lewis’s friend made this”. I watched it, and had no idea what was going on. It was so hard to understand.

Fast forward to the year 2002 when “Fellowship” was out on DVD, and we had a movie night at my older cousin’s place, and watched the film for the first time. My 13 year old self was enraptured by it. Dad bought the DVD first thing the next day, and I’ve been a fan ever since! I, my brother, and our dad watched “Return of the King” in theaters four times, which was saying something, considering we only ever saw a movie once in cinemas. Between “The Return of the King” opening in December ‘03, I picked up the books and read (as well as I could) through them. A lot of friends kept joking “tell us how the damn story ends!”, good times.

2. When and how did you decide to make this audiobook? What’s the story behind the entire project? 

I was a very ambitious lad, and my first and biggest interest was filmmaking. I used to direct short films with my friends ever since my 11th birthday, and was the youngest in class at the filmschool I attended a few years later. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that I had massive ambitions to direct “the Hobbit”, which is silly in retrospect considering I was 16 years old at the time. I even sent my portfolio and DVDs of my films to Peter Jackson’s manager (who actually got back to me with a wonderful response, despite not being able to accept my ‘completely reasonable’ offer) When I was heartbroken and torn to pieces knowing I wouldn’t be directing the movie, a few more years went by, and I decided to reread some chapters of the “Lord of the Rings” books. I remember really well that this was late at night, laying in bed, and going through “King of the Golden Hall” and seeing how close to the movies it was, but also far more expanded. I thought “my extensive home-made short movies experience with sound design and sound mixing could work here, and I could just read a few chapters and try to make the soundscape as realistic as possible. Why not try it?” 

So, the next day I tried. The first two chapters I tried were “King of the Golden Hall” and “A Journey in the Dark” (which partly answers your other question about that chapter). I was so absolutely surprised by how well it was going, that I decided to upload them onto YouTube in March 2010 I think. I got a fairly good response, and I was planning on doing a few more random chapters. I never intended to do the whole thing. But this one comment on YouTube I’ll always remember, it said: “I think you should go from start to finish, because you’ll probably get used to the characters and sounds and people can also follow along in the story gradually”.

Taking that suggestion to heart, in August 2010 I went from Chapter 1 onward. 

3. Were you inspired by any other audiobook versions of LotR (such as the BBC radio drama)?

I was not, I actually haven’t listened to the BBC Radio drama until far ahead into the project I was doing. I did some research on what other audio productions anyone did with LOTR, from The Mind’s Eye edition, to the ‘60s Hobbit Radio Play; so I felt pretty confident. I just fell in love with the way the films brought Middle-Earth to life and seeing their incredible dedication for authenticity (from the props department, to the music), you really couldn’t do any better than that visually or audibly - at least in my opinion. I just wanted to hear Tolkien’s text but with the realisation of the films. 

However, if you listen to Chapter 1 of TTT, and hear how Legolas laments their absence from not being there to help Boromir at Amon Hen, you can clearly hear the inflection from the BBC Radio play’s version. I just lifted that because I thought it was a fantastic way to deliver the line.

4. Did you have any rituals for “getting into character” before recording?

If I were to show you the raw unedited recording sessions, you’d probably be surprised at how underdeveloped it is! I had no real rituals or warmups, I just went for it. Usually went in cold, and tried reading the entire chapter and doing all the voices at once. Then I’d be exhausted, and afterwards start cutting all the mistakes, and separating each character into different tracks – and then re-recording 50%-70% of it, as I was laying in the sounds. 

I think any character just needs a few words for me to say in their voice, and that helps for the rest of their dialogue. For Aragorn it was usually: “You cannot wield it! None of us can.” for Pippin it was: “Sometimes”, just random things that make things ‘click’ in my head. If I got lost or didn’t feel like the performances were working, I’d simply just watch scenes from the films to hear the real actors again!

5. Who was your favorite character to voice? Who was your least favorite? And why?

People who know me, know I love doing the villains. Sauron, the orcs, the Nazgûl, etc. I just love the idea of personifying things that scare you. Something completely the opposite of who you are. Always a fun time! Any character I can nail extremely accurately always makes me happy, but I’m always very critical of my own work, so it’s a rare thing.

My least favorite characters to voice are: Imrahil, Denethor, Arwen, Celeborn, Galadriel, Erestor, Lindir, Haldir, Goldberry, Gildor… I think the pattern is pretty obvious if you realize that I am incapable of providing a satisfactory voice that feels unique enough. They just sound to me like “I wish I had a broader range. They weren’t done justice.” I have feelings for most of the characters in this situation, but I’m a mere mortal. I can’t do all of them as well as I wish I could. I wish Aragorn was more like Viggo Mortensen’s voice (I tried with the nasally yells you mentioned!), I wish Gandalf had a richer tone, I wish Saruman sounded more majestic, and I wish Frodo was - in retrospect- more older sounding, too. There’s so much I wish I could do better, but to hell with it, I tried.

Fun fact: my least-favorite to voice are also Orcs because they destroy my throat after a while. Which is ironic, because of my first statement.

6. I noticed that you gave the men of Rohan and Gondor slightly different dialects! Are you pulling from any real-world accents to make that happen?

I did try to listen to Anglo-Saxon, and ancient norse but I just tried to make Rohan and Gondor slightly distinct in any way I could. I never really tried to make things too obvious, but admittedly, I think I just used my intuition (smoothing the R’s for the Rohirrim, making the Gondorians more ‘proper’, etc.). I do want to emphasize that this was a one-person project and keeping things together or consistent is definitely an extraneous exercise when you’re just trying to get something finished by yourself! 

7. Some characters (like Beregond and Quickbeam, to name a couple of my favorites) aren’t in the movies, so they don’t have an actor for you to imitate. How did you decide what they would sound like?

Well, in the case of Beregond, I realized he was just “your ordinary guy”, and seeing Minas Tirith through his eyes (and Pippin’s)  is such an amazing and interesting opportunity. It made the city feel so real, and I wanted to take advantage of that. I think I started with a ‘generic’ voice, but when I re-recorded him knowing more and more of the context and what he was saying to Pippin, and as a result who he is, made me adjust what I felt were more his personality. But still that ‘ordinary guy’ idea was the bedrock, and it’s been years since I heard that chapter, but I hope it holds up! (I just remembered Bergil is in that too, another voice I wish I could have done better) 

Another fun fact: when Pippin scares the kids in Minas Tirith, the audio was from something I videotaped when I was 10 years old with my friends, it had the perfect “kids-going-aaah!” sound.

If I had it my way, I’d have a cast of dozens in this Audiobook, so a lot of times I never felt like my voice was enough to truly capture the “We’re in Middle-Earth, we just have microphones to record it” idea. So I have to make compromises since I was the only one doing the voices. That being said, Quickbeam was a fun surprise because he felt like, as you said “young treebeard”, and these things just worked out through experimentation! I think Quickbeam turned out pretty nice. I like Quickbeam.

8. HOW—I ask with great enthusiasm—DID YOU DO TREEBEARD’S VOICE? How did you get that resonance and woody sound? Did you send your voice through a wooden box and re-record it on the other side like they did in the movies?

It’s really great that you know all the behind the scenes stories from the films! Especially what Ethan Van der Ryn, David Farmer, and the late Michael Hopkins have done with their incredible creativity. I had no such resources to produce Treebeard’s sound. What I did was a digital facsimile: a special ‘room’ reverb, with some other equalizing effects to boost the bass and (maybe, I can’t remember) another higher pitched track of the same voice faintly in there. 

You won’t believe this, but I was not going to do The Two Towers audiobook unless I could do a good Treebeard voice. In 2011 after finishing “Fellowship”, I was on the fence about continuing, and only committed once I knew I could do Treebeard right. Treebeard was the key to all this. This should come to no surprise to the ones who played the game, but I used a lot of sound effects from ‘Battle for Middle-Earth’ which contained a lot of clean sounds for ents, trolls, the balrog, the ringwraiths, and other monsters from the films. I used the ent’s footsteps from the games, and recorded my own foley for some of the trees snapping and leaves rustling as well. The “fart” sounds were the low creaking of tree branches, and - as they stated in the making-of for the films - very pitched down cow moos. 

9. Tell me about the foley work! Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been that nerd who watched the Behind The Scenes featurettes for fun, so I’m very interested to hear how you made the sound effects for footsteps and whistling arrows and jangling horse harnesses and such. 

I’m glad you are! I’ve collected sound libraries (ripped from video games, and finding and buying sound packs) for a literal decade, because I always needed sounds for the short films I made when I was younger. I just kept learning about how to mix sounds together, and it’s very creative and very enjoyable! That being said, the foley work itself is mostly recorded by me. If I can’t find a sound in the library I have, I will record it. Clothing rustles, and touch are all recorded while I listen to the audiobook playback and ‘perform’ each character. It’s a really arduous process, but I think it adds so much life into the sound. 

I went out into the woods (or backyard) with my mic to record footsteps, sometimes I would listen to the audiobook with headphones while performing the footsteps. When I would have traveled somewhere with different terrain I would be sure to record more foley (rocks being moved, or pebbles being stepped on) knowing I’ll use it for certain chapters. I do not want to reveal a huge secret about the predominant foley for the character's clothes, but an old backpack I used were 90% of the characters’ ‘movements’. Some wingflaps of the fell beasts were just my jeans. It’s a really creative process trying to find things that ‘sound’ right for an environment or action. The magic is putting them all together and hearing the result. Also, yes Sam’s pan is my grandma’s frying pan, and I know it’s sometimes annoying, but - look - Sam has a lot of stuff to carry.

I start with the background sounds (wind, tree rustles, water if there is any, etc.) lots of layers of them just to make them sound unique and not the same. Then I move to selective and nearer environmental background sounds. Then, the ‘hero’ sounds, the effects that are integral to the story (if it’s sword clashes, or an explosion, or who knows what), and finally the foley (footsteps, clothing rustles, breaths, etc.) - I had a friend record her own horses breathing and moving for a lot of closeups of the horses in the audiobooks. I think even if you can’t really hear some of their low breaths, their presence is still ‘there’. I personally think I got a lot better by the end of LOTR than when I started! 

I wanted to add, the sounds for little Elanor in the very last scene of “The Return of the King” (the baby sounds), I was not happy with the stock baby sounds I had, and asked my older cousin (an audio person too!) to send me recordings he made of his then-1-year-old daughter in a studio. So, my first-cousin-once-removed is Elanor! She’s 22 now. I feel old.

10. Do you have a favorite sound effect from this project? Mine is the “pat-pat” against cloth that’s used to denote a hug.

Absolutely, do you remember the two “watchers” before the tower of Cirith Ungol? The vulture-like statues that block the hobbit’s path out? The alarm sound is a wholly original sound design I did, and I’m really happy with it. It’s just ugly sounding, and that’s the point. I always wished I had more Nazgul, and I think the worst moments I had with mixing were the battle scenes. There’s just too much to handle and make it sound good. But I really tried.

I’m very glad you heard the ‘pat-pat’s. I try my best to perform every character when recording foley, and want even some of the sounds to convey something in the telling of the story.

11. What's the thought process behind your use of the various musical motifs from Howard Shore's score? (Read: Why do you use the Shire theme so often, and why does it get me in the heart every single time?)

I want everyone to know that this is a really important and valuable question, and one I never really get to talk about: To me, Howard Shore’s music is one of the very best things to come out of the films. He truly made an opera out of the story, and all his leitmotifs and orchestrations are a stroke of genius. They work on their own, and when reading the books as well, and as a nerd for films and all that stuff, I wanted to put a lot of care into how I’m placing the score, and for what scene, emotionally and leitmotivically, if that’s a word.

The Audiobook I did is obviously a ‘standing on the shoulders of giants’ situation, so I can’t credit myself for the majority of the Audiobook I did, but I wanted to use all my filmmaking intuition to properly use the music to enhance the telling of the story. So, just like the filmmakers had to change and mix lines from the book, or make changes to make it work as a film, I felt like a lot of instances happened with the music for the audiobook. Obviously, I used the score when applicable to the intended scenes, but there are very often cases where they won’t work. I read as much as I could in the past about what the motifs were and where Shore used them in the movies, so I followed that trajectory for the most part. Gondor is Gondor, Rohan is Rohan, Mordor is Mordor, etc. 

Changes happen when I feel the emotions for a scene in the books do not match up to the ones in the films, and then there are brand new scenes and characters not in the movies at all, that I have to figure out! Take the pause from music between Gandalf falling into the chasm with the Balrog, and the fellowship successfully escaping. It’s perfect in the film, but I knew I couldn’t put the lamenting heartbreaking music in there yet, since the descriptions all drive the idea that escape is paramount. So I treated it as a ‘shock’ moment. No music until they’re completely out of the mountain, then the grief comes in. Things like that, a lot of fun creative thinking to get those emotions working!

I recall you mentioning the ‘Gimli / Legolas drinking game’ statement and how I used the hell out of it throughout the Audiobook, which is a good example. I pitched it up and down, for different moments, and it just has that hobbit mundane and jolly quality to it. So, in it goes to fill moments from the books. 

I also edited and modified existing motifs for completely different scenes and ideas. One of my favorites is when Treebeard talks about the Entwives. I needed this melancholy yearning sound that was really essential, and found it by reversing Eowyn’s theme, and pitching it down so the violin sounds like a cello/bass. To me it just felt extremely appropriate for the sound of a long-lost relationship while portraying a larger-than-life creature. 

Let’s also say Bombadil. I made up the idea that the last statement in the credits for “Return of the King”, was Bombadil’s theme. It’s actually just a reference to Der Ring des Nibelungen by Wagner, a very verbose beautiful crescendo, but I thought “I’ll pretend like it’s Bombadil, he’s last in the score even though he’s the first in Arda”. So I used that musical progression in his songs, that’s his leitmotif now (to me, anyway) He sings in that wavy up-and-down melody. Which is why you hear a lot of that in those chapters.

I also try to use recordings not from the original score: I looked far and wide for alternative recordings, predominantly the album by the Royal Prague Philharmonic, and the “LOTR Symphony”, just to make the Audiobooks feel different. I pitched down and moved and reassembled a lot of different cues for different scenes as well.

There are not a lot of instances of music from other movies, however, they do exist! I used music from “Battle for Middle-Earth”, the game “War in the North”, and for the last few chapters, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” since it just came out at the time. I used a lot of music from Howard Shore’s “Seven” and “The Game” during Shelob (I think), and for the Barrow-Downs. I used a tiny bit of underscore from the brilliant Don Davis’s “The Matrix Reloaded”, it had a really eerie choir which made me feel like it would be perfect for the fatigue and dizzying unreality of Mordor when Sam and Frodo were on their last leg, trying to get to Mt. Doom. Lastly, I used a little bit of music from Howard Shore’s “Twilight: Eclipse” for some dialogue scenes during Return of the King! And music from the independent film “Mongol” by Tuomas Kantelinen for the Woses when Theoden has to get help from Ghan-Buri-Ghan. Also the ending of ROTK has a few cues from “The Lord of the Rings musical”, lovely stuff.

It may surprise you that there is a small amount of score I actually ‘wrote’ with help from my brother (he’s a musician). It’s in the coronation of Elessar. It’s not very good but I needed something. There is also a cello version of “to the edge of night”, which I kindly asked permission to use by YouTube celloist, but I sadly don't think that video is up anymore.

Lastly, I use the Shire music so much because - just like Howard Shore said - it becomes a ‘hymn’ or an ‘anthem’ for the hobbits as they leave their comforts behind and are in a wide and unfamiliar world. Every little bit that reminds them of home, or relates to each of them, usually deserves a little ‘shire’ statement here and there. I feel if it’s in the characters’ hearts and minds, it has to be expressed in the music!

12. Out of all the chapters I’ve listened to so far on the Internet Archive, “A Journey in the Dark” is the one most plagued with editing issues; Sam’s temper tantrum over leaving Bill the Pony is cut out entirely. Which is a shame, because I was really looking forward to hearing your take on that. (Is it strange to say that I wanted to hear you break down into blubbering tears? Probably. Let’s ignore that and move on.) Is there any chance that you have a cleaner edit of that chapter somewhere?

I think you’ll be very unsurprised to know that “A Journey in the Dark” is the first chapter I ever recorded. I think you’ll also need to know that I did FOTR when I was 21 years old, and my grasp on doing better sound mixing or even getting the characters right was still a work in progress. I learned so much going chapter-by-chapter and felt that each succeeding one improves from the former. As a demo-run, I did “King of the Golden Hall '' and “Journey in the Dark” in early 2010 (in fact, I did only the first half of “JITD” back then. Stopping right after they are barred inside the mines, as the Watcher destroys the gate. I did the second half once I caught up with the story going chapter-by-chapter.)

There are so many issues with it, and I haven’t listened to it since. If you have headphones you’ll also notice that none of the voices really pan from left to right, or feel like they’re ever anywhere else except the dead-center. I was lazy back then. 

When I read the chapters, at the time, I was sharing an ‘office room’ with my younger brother, and as a teenaged younger brother does - continues strumming his guitar no matter what the other brother is doing. It was really fun, and funny and I was extremely sloppy with editing things out, and taking it too seriously. So, for sure you can hear ‘someone’ in the background during the early parts of FOTR, and I was too lazy to re-record or edit out the noises that weren’t supposed to be there.

Forgive me if this part is a lot longer, but now that you mention it, I want to get on my soap-box and rant about how many things I agree with about the Audiobook’s shortcomings and how many things have changed since the wee days of 2010: 

I didn’t really get a grasp on the characters, and I had no idea I was going to do the entire book. I did not take enough care with sound mixing (it’s a highly technical and rigorous practice, I’ve discovered. Even now, ten plus years later - it’s too technical for me to fully understand yet), and I did not thoroughly re-listen to the chapter when I was done with an edit or a sound-effects pass. Therefore there’s always been mistakes still in there, and just unpleasantly careless placement of sounds and music. I have often thought about re-recording it to get it up to scratch, but it’s been over a decade and I haven’t properly preserved all the sound stems without having to re-sound-mix the whole chapter again, and there is that little thing called ‘burnout’ which is hard to ignore. So, I apologize to everyone who has to suffer through that huge drop in quality with “A Journey in the Dark”. It quite literally was my first attempt, and it definitely shows. 

The good news is that a fan asked me the same thing about the missing piece in that chapter (the one you mentioned! With Sam and Bill!), and I’ve heard the same comments about it throughout the years. Why is it missing? I don’t know why! I recorded it, but in my loose run-and-gun past when I was a wee lad, I was careless, and just had the mp3 with that part missing. A rendering error, perhaps! Stupid 21 year old Phil just hodgepoging everything.

A Few months ago, I did get another email about that missing piece. I thought “okay, once and for all, I’m going to find that missing part.” - and I searched my old harddrives for some kind of archival copy with that part in it. Amazingly, it was a lot harder to find than I thought. Every rendered version of JITD either stopped right before that scene, or had it omitted. I actually found one half of it as a ‘demo’ piece I rendered years ago for a ‘sound trailer’, and then I finally found the original YouTube video I made - which had it intact! Now the hardest part was stitching it together with the rest. Took longer than I thought, but I finally amended this horrible incompetence. And yes, I will share the link to you! And be prepared to be disappointed at the 2010-era quality!

I don’t know if anyone knows this, but with the mp3s circling around, I have taken the liberty of re-recording and re-working some chapters from their original versions. I try my best to preserve the originals, but I also wish people to listen to the re-records. I have actually re-recorded and re-mastered “A Long-Expected Party” three times. 2011, 2013, and 2014. I re-recorded “King of the Golden Hall” in 2013, and “Shadow of the Past” in 2014. I usually try labelling the dates on the mp3 files themselves. The one I’m most proud of re-recording bits of, is “The Pyre of Denethor” as the first time I had Denethor say his last words he was mildly raising his voice, but I listened to it again one day and went “this man should be at the edge of sanity.” - so he absolutely yells now, and it’s such a night-and-day comparison.

Another addendum: I completely understand the complaints about ‘the sound/music drowning out the dialogue’. It’s been the #1 complaint over the decade. I completely understand. I never had professional sound mixing gear, nor did I have proper mixing headphones or speakers or a proper studio (most of the audiobook was recorded at my grandmother’s house!). The balance of the audio making it sound immersive, (like you are there!) and having clear dialogue to hear is - like I said - an extremely technical and complex process that I’ve never had the ability or tech to master. Let alone for a book that’s 48 hours long, and has so much sound and music to it. Nothing would bring me more joy than to work with an experienced sound mixer, and find all my audio stems, and for us to work together to clear up any and all issues. But as this project was a simple fan-made work, and I haven’t distributed it myself for a decade, who knows?

This is also why I never went on to do “The Hobbit”. Burnout is real, and I’ve never recovered from LOTR. The burnout… “it’s never really healed, Sam.”

13. What was your favorite scene to record and mix?

Mount Doom. Can’t get better than trying to make the climax as horrible and eucatastrophic as that. It all led up to this, and it was such a rush to work on. I remember how I was at the edge of my seat watching ROTK in cinemas for the first time, and how amazingly they pulled it off, and I wanted to definitely imitate that, but using Tolkien’s own writing. Just so cool.

I have two favorite chapters: The first one is “The Scouring of the Shire”. I remember well, when I was working on it, I realized this has never been ‘dramatized’ before. At least not in full. I felt so special being the first one (probably) to do it. I could imagine the entire chapter in my head like a film, and I could bring it to life with very little outside influence. Such a poignant and shocking chapter. 

I don’t think I would have done it as well without the experience I gained doing the rest of the Audiobook. Showing the strength of the four hobbits, portraying the dignity and resolve of their kind, giving that pathetic yet dangerous authenticity to Sharkey, and the ruffians, illustrating the battle of bywater with sound… this was done in 2013, so we all were able to listen to new music by Howard Shore (for The Hobbit), and I would be able to transpose motifs from that, into “Scouring”, and honestly I wouldn’t know how it would have worked out if the Hobbit films didn’t come out just at the right time. I think the score fits so well with the events of “Scouring”, there is a ‘mordor’ theme but it feels ‘unfinished’, like the remnant of an old defeated foe; there’s that wily progression for Radagast in the films, that I used for the hobbit’s rebellion and the conflict, and there’s a new ‘hobbit/shire’ motif that worked so perfectly for a ‘wounded, but recovering’ Shire. I feel so silly talking about decisions I made for this, but I always wanted to share some thoughts I had! 

Fun fact: I had a wonderful person ask if she would be able to play Rosie Cotton back in 2013, and I asked her to perform her lines. She was great, but I realized a very strange thing: when I put her in the audio mix, it would actually break the immersion, because you can hear a voice that wasn’t mine, and as a result - I couldn’t help but keep thinking - my voice for Rosie’s mother sounded like a Monty Python skit in comparison! And thus her lines had to be unused. It kind of just opened the fourth wall, breaking the illusion. Which is a shame, because I always dream of having a fully-cast LOTR Audiobook, maybe someday officially.

The other favorite is “The Tower of Cirith Ungol” just because I listened to it one day in 2014, and heard no errors. I was so proud. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to change substantially. No one dislikes all the errors more than I do!

14. What’s your best memory from this entire project?

My late dad drove me and my brother out into a clearing at midnight in the forest. The sky was so clear and starry. And we were here simply to just yell at the top of our lungs to record material for “Helm’s Deep”. All the clear yells: “Elendil!!!” “Gúthwinë! Gúthwinë For the Mark!”etc. Etc. - I lost my voice, it was a fun time. He held the microphone for me as I splashed around a stream (for Gollum), once again at midnight since there were fewer background sounds.

I also tell this story a lot: A friend of mine who was listening to the chapters as I finished them - she hated the sound of knuckles cracking. And hated spiders. So, obviously, Shelob would have to have knuckle-cracking sounds for her limbs. So I recorded my own knuckles cracking and tried using it as much as I could for Shelob’s legs moving about. My friend was soooo ecstatic to know this fact.

15. If you could do it all again today, what would you change?

I would consider doing a ground-up re-recording of everything. With a budget, with a cast, with a lot more understanding of the story and intentions behind them. With VR sound options. With extra original music. That’s the dream. 

If we’re back to reality, I guess I’d just re-record a bunch of chapters since they could always be better, and tighten all the technical errors. But that would require a lot of assembling of the raw archived files, and re-building of sounds, and re-recording of lines. Also, as I stated before, I do not want to distribute my unofficial fan work just because I know that it’s a copyright nightmare. And burnout… “it’s never really healed, Sam.”

I like taking other people’s opinions to heart, such as the issues with Frodo’s youth or inflections and intonations for certain scenes that I didn’t quite fully grasp the first time. I would love to adjust things and make it closer to the book now.

- - - - -

And now! The Silly Questions Lightning Round!

(With thoughts from Lady Glasses in parentheses and italics!)

1. In Fellowship, long stretches of dialogue would often have someone randomly cough in the background. Tell me about the Cough. Why is the Cough there?

No one hates the coughs more than me. That’s either my brother minding his own business in the other end of our ‘office room’. I think you now know I was 21, I didn’t care, so these things are just left in because I was careless. However, sometimes there are intentional coughs to make it feel more realistic. It’s been years since I listened to it, so unless I somehow do a massive commentary stream someday (thinking about it), your guess will be as good as mine! The coughs heavily subsided once I did Two Towers, since I was by myself.

2. During the dinner scene with Farmer Cotton, someone burps. Who was that?

Mine. I have no regrets with that one. Or Pippin. I guess it could be Pippin.

(Darn! And here I thought it was Farmer Cotton, LOL)

3. How did you manage to make Bill Ferny’s voice so perfectly obnoxious?

I imagined Bill as an obnoxious guy. The image in my head gives me a good idea of what he’d sound like, and I’m so glad he’s so obnoxious that you had to mention it.

(He sounds perfectly punchable. Thanks, I hate it.)

4. Did you crack yourself up at any point in the recording?

Oh yes, in fact I have a whole outtake reel just for you!

(Warning to anyone who clicks the link: the April Fool's audio had me ON THE FLOOR)

5. Voice acting aside, who is your favorite character in LotR and why?

If you asked me in 2002 it would be the Balrog, if you asked me now it would be difficult because so many of them mean so much to me, and each of their aspects have something to aspire to. Gandalf, Aragorn, Sam, Frodo, Galadriel, the list goes on and on.

(That's beautiful, and so true. The story really grows with us, doesn't it?)

6. What’s your favorite color?

Blue. Always has been.

(Blue is a good color! 💙)

7. Political question: Pineapples on pizza, yes or no?

Yes, I still don’t get what the fuss is about

(Oooh, controversial)

8. Is a hotdog a sandwich?

No, it’s a hotdog!

(Counterpoint: A hotdog is a taco.)

9. What’s your opinion on geese?

They’re racist

(Racist against the entire human race, apparently)

10. How much would I have to pay you to say “I love boats!” in Merry’s voice? (It’s an inside joke with my friends.)

Nothing, it’s on the house!

(HOLY CRAP I LOVE YOU)

- - - - -

Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with us! What are you working on nowadays?

I’ve actually had a few people ask me if I’ll ever do more audiobooks like this, and I seem to have tapped something. Yes, in fact! I’m working with a few creative collaborators on a small company to do the exact same sonic experience with other books! Since we’re very small, we are starting with stories in the Public Domain, and have successfully kickstarted (and finished) “The Jungle Book” by Rudyard Kipling. Which will be out (hopefully, officially) by early September! I’m really excited and hope this will lead to more projects, and - hopefully- back to Tolkien someday, in an official manner. Please follow my Instagram or Facebook for more info about it. (I also have a Twitter and Tumblr and more, but they’re all completely unrelated to LOTR and are just me drawing doodles and being a nerd, very unlike the Audiobooks I did, which is a bit confusing, I admit.)

- - - - -

And that concludes our interview! As I told Phil, it was so much fun to discuss a fellow fan's passion project like this. The more I read about it, the more I realized just how similar it was to my own experiences as a fan creator. We all start out as just a noob with a few unpolished skills, making something because we love it, and we learn and grow and hone our talents along the way. It's legitimately inspiring.

Needless to say, I am stoked to finish listening to the rest of this audiobook! Is it a bit weird knowing the creator of the thing might drop in and read my reviews?? Yes. Yes it is. But I'm gonna do it anyway. No holds barred! If I hear another cough, you're gonna know about it, Phil!

Also I may or may not do something with that audio of Merry because I'M STILL DYING OF LAUGHTER HELP

Anyway! If you made it to the end of this, you deserve a cookie! Everybody say thank you to Mr. Dragash, and go check out the other stuff he's doing nowadays! Namárië!

[missmaywemeetagain]

Hi,

for your prompt request.

💻 angst for Austin. There was a short lived rumour he'd perform at the Oscars. I had this in my head for months, that he'd perform the in memoriam section (what Lenny Kravitz did this year). Maybe with the beautiful Elvis rendition of BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER .

Obviously that's a daunting thing, so maybe some praise kink that leads to more at rehearsals? With whoever your comfortable with writing this but if live to read it with Polly Bennett his movement coach.

Xxx

Ohhhh, dearest Nonnie, did you give me a challenge! It took me a minute to try and get into Austin's head because I've never written him before, so thank you for your patience! 💖

I really ended up leaning into that praise kink, and this turned out waaay filthier than I intended, but 'twas where my muse took me lol. The Bridge Over Trouble Water lyrics actually were a bit of an inspiration, so the song appears more figuratively than literally. I hope it's okay that it ended up being so much smut vs. storyline, but it is Austin and Polly! Thank you for your request and I hope you enjoy, When Tears Are In Your Eyes, darlin'! 💋

TW: This is utterly filthy. Minors BE GONE! 18+ only! Really, there is so much SEXXX, but, like, in a sweet, subby Austin way. Panic attacks. Negative self-talk. PRAISE KINK--so much praise kink... Sub space? Not as edited as usual! Hopefully this isn't too much of a mess cuz I'm a little nervous about writing about Austin (and Polly!)...I'm definitely not an Austin expert 👀

When Tears Are in Your Eyes

The first time was a fluke. The panic before he’d had to go out and really perform as Elvis for the first time, for the ’68 Special section, was utterly paralyzing and he’d needed something or someone to break him out of his mind prison, someone telling him he was going to be okay, that he was going to do a great job, that he was good enough. Desperate times had called for desperate measures.

Baz and Olivia and even Catherine had tried help him shake his nerves, but no matter the massive amount of support and encouragement from them all, he was convinced there was no way he could do Elvis justice. That he would fail completely, not only tanking his own career, but also Baz’s, and disappoint millions of Elvis’ fans across the world in the process. To say he’d worked himself into a frenzy was an understatement.

When Polly came in, his amazing and fiery movement coach, he was convinced she wouldn’t be able to stave off this horror building inside him, this pure terror that he was a complete fraud. But they’d worked so many hours together, one on one, that she could sense something in him that he could not. When she’d embraced him and told him he was going to be alright, that everything would be fine, he almost broke into pieces at his friend’s words. He’d sniffled into her blonde hair, his Elvis makeup running, clutching at her like she was a life raft.

And then it had happened. As she whispered words of encouragement into the shell of his ear, praising the commitment he had to the role and how he was already doing Elvis’ legacy proud, he’d felt it. Unfortunately, pressed up against her in that tight black leather suit, it didn’t take long for her to feel it, too.

He was totally mortified, of course, chalking it up to his anxiousness and heightened emotions, and it sent him into another kind of panic because Polly was his colleague and his friend and oh my god, he didn’t want to ruin any of that. Whimpering in her hair, he wanted to pull away and hide even more than he had before, but she just kept breathing praise into his ear. As if he wasn’t rock hard against her.

It hadn’t taken long for his body to go off the rails, his hips rolling into her ever so slightly, the friction of those damn pants coupled with what she was saying arousing him to the point of bursting. But she didn’t flinch or move away, she just kept her arms around him tight and let him grind and whimper into her.

It wasn’t enough. He was a sniveling mess, terrified of going out there and humiliating himself, and now he was insanely aroused, his mind starting to white out, and he needed release but the dry humping just wasn’t enough.

Somehow, she’d known exactly what he needed and for some unknown reason, hadn’t hesitated in the slightest in giving it to him. When she’d popped the button on the pants, unzipping him just enough to reach her tiny hand in, he’d nearly passed out from the way she’d groped his too-sensitive cock through his underwear.

“Doing such a good job for me, Aus, always doing so good for me. Always putting in your all. You’re gonna be perfect,” she’d whispered as she pumped him expertly. His mind went blank, hearing nothing but her praise, and he surrendered quickly. Shuddering violently, he crested and felt the hot spurts of his release coat the inside of his briefs.

“That’s it, let it go, Aus. Cumming so well,” she’d praised him, talking him through his orgasm, then released him with a genuine smile, pressing her forehead to his as he tried to regain his senses.

It wrecked him just enough to break him free of his anxiety. He’d gasped in both refraction and shock and Polly had just patted his cheek sweetly and handed him tissues to clean himself up, like there wasn’t something completely bonkers that happened between them. Like she hadn’t just jerked him off and successfully made him feel like he could go out there now and be Elvis. Like his confidence hadn’t been restored by the magic power of her words and her hand.

Things had happened so intensely and fast after that with filming that he’d barely had time to think on it. When he’d stripped out of the suit and his messed underwear later that night, he’d actually laughed, thinking of the story of how Elvis had orgasmed in his leather suit as well.

How very ‘method’ of me, he’d thought with a chuckle.

He’d also been confused and embarrassed, but Polly acted like nothing strange had occurred at all. No lingering glances or silly winks. No uncomfortable silences or awkward words. Business as usual.

So, he’d moved on. It was a fluke. A moment of weakness.

Except now, backstage during rehearsals for the Oscars, he finds himself in that same completely panicked headspace for the first time since the ’68 Special. His agent had somehow convinced him to agree to singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” during the “In Memorial” section of the show. But that was months ago, before he was exhausted from all the award shows and press and schmoozing and the traveling across continents, all the while trying not to let his grief for Lisa Marie (and the residual grief it triggered about his mom) consume him.

He is terrified. Stomach churning and palms sweating, he shakes all over, a leftover effect of those pieces of Elvis still lingering within him. Singing in front of people was never something he’d been able to do until Elvis. But even then, he’d been playing a character. It was so much more vulnerable to get out there singing as himself. In front of a room filled with the biggest names in Hollywood, in front of his heroes, and for millions on live television, no less.

No pressure or anything.

Sure, they’d convinced him to sing briefly on SNL, but that was still under the guise of Elvis and it had been only a small part of the farewell for Cecily, the focus being on her, not just him. He’d been nervous, to be sure, but it had been different. Not this. Nothing like this.

Of course, he knows the song in his sleep, it being one of his favorites to listen to while prepping for Elvis. But as much as the critics and the world loved his performance, and as much as he tries to draw upon the superstar’s confidence, he is not Elvis Presley.

His shallow and quick breaths as he waits for his turn to rehearse makes him think that he might pass out if he keeps freaking out at this rate. Forcing himself to breath in through his nose and out through his mouth, part of the dynamic breathwork he’d learned, he manages to keep from ending up on the floor. But his mind is still whirling and his stomach is churning.

You idiot, you’re just gonna go out there and embarrass yourself in front of everyone you admire. What a failure you’ll be, his inner critic berates him. Stupid fucking fool.

He can’t do this. There’s no way in hell.

Austin feels the tears prick in his eyes. Oh, good, now I’m gonna cry, too. Perfect.

It’s then that he feels the small arms encircle his waist and he knows.

He knows it’s her.

He’s not sure how Pol managed to get backstage—the security is insane—but like a miracle, she’s here. “Come on, Aus. You’re going to be okay,” she says quietly.

Gently, she pulls him back, back, back through the wings of the stage, whispering words along the way (“You can do this, hun, and will do it well. I know you will.”) and into an empty dressing room. He follows more than willingly, letting the tears free fall down his cheeks now.

He finds himself in that strange little space again where all he hears and wants and needs is her, her reassurances and praises, and she gives them liberally.

Polly gently pushes him into the room, closing the door and engaging the lock behind her. His brain is overloaded, his body buzzing with anxiety, but her words leave him wanting and he feels his cock twitch in his pants. All rational thought is abandoned, his body beginning to take over, and he doesn’t have the strength to hold himself back.

Austin steps into her, pressing her back against the door, nuzzling his head down into her neck. She lets him, her hands running softly, comfortingly, through his hair, causing a low moan to escape his lips.

“I-I-I need…please…” he begs through hiccupping little sobs.

“I know, shh, I know.”

Then, she proceeds to murmur at him all the ways he is good and talented and true. He can’t help rolling his now-aching cock into her belly, but she does not falter.

The sensations are all too much this time, even more than the first time, and he is running his hand up her bare leg and under her skirt before his mind even registers what he’s trying to do, all the lines he is going to cross. Because he has to do something, something he knows he’s good at, something he knows he won’t fail.

And by the little squeak that turns into a mewl when he reaches the apex between her thighs, the thin cotton covering her warm little sex, he knows he’s right. Slipping his fingers under, he runs them through her already dampening folds and up to circle the sensitive nub at the top.

“T-this o-okay?” he stutters out, needing to know he’s doing right by her.

“Yes, Aus, that’s perfect, oh god,” she moans breathlessly in his ear.

The praise fully short-circuits his brain, sending him into that white space where his career expectations and fears don’t touch him like they did before.

Please, please, please…is all he thinks and he realizes eventually that he’s panting it out loud, ignoring the straining in his pants because he wants to get her off, he needs to please her, and if he does, everything will somehow be okay.

He slides his fingers down through her softness, and finding her wet and ready for him, turns her around to face the door and slides two fingers into her heat, his thumb working circles on her clit. Pumping, his fingers search for that spongy spot, the one he thinks will make her keen and pleased, and when he finds it, he curls his fingertips into it.

“That’s it…just like that,” she pants, then she bucks back, her ample ass giving him some much-needed friction. The sensation is almost too much, causing him to press her into the door, his throbbing erection making him desperate.

“Oh, my good, good boy. Oh god. Oh g-god, Aus, you’re gonna make me cum,” she chokes out and it’s music to his ears, this approval and proof of his goodness. “That’s p-perfect, you’re perfect!”

Her cry couples the fluttering of her walls and the dam breaks, arousal flooding onto his hand. But her release sends his body into overdrive, and he pulls his fingers out of her, leaving her moaning. Frantically, he pulls her soaked panties down her legs and unbuckles his pants, letting them slide down and free his cock.

“Please, I-I-I…can I?” he whimpers at her.

She nods. “Yes, yes!”

He is in shambles. It only takes a second before he’s rubbing his cock between her legs, coating himself in her slick, and they both moan at the sensation.

Going into that white space, the one he only gets to when with her, all he can think is please, please, I need, I need, and it causes him to rush a little. He pushes up into her comforting and plush folds, meeting a little resistance on the way because he’s thick and she’s small but oh god, she’s so tight around him.

Through the hazy fog of his brain, he hears her pretty little gasps as she adjusts to his girth, but when he bottoms out in her wet heat, it feels too good and a fresh panic hits him. This awareness of what he is doing to her—spearing her and splitting her in two—and the thought that he might be doing it wrong or hurting her in some way has him sobbing, “Pol,” as he clutches at her waist.

“It’s okay, you’re perfect, Aus,” she moans, encouraging him. “Now move those hips, just like I taught you.”

Relief and fresh arousal floods over him. He knows this. He can do it in his sleep. Cock twitching inside her, he starts to move, rolling those narrow hips of his smoothly, precisely, just as he’d practiced for hours and hours prepping for Elvis.

Polly lets out a low, pleased groan as he does so, and it fills him with pleasure because he’s pleasing her, he’s doing it right. With each thrust, she coos at him words of praise and he eats them up like he’s starving. The terror and the trepidation are banished into the shadows, consumed by that white space, the space where he is perfect and good and doing everything just right.

He could stay here forever, surrounded by light and warmth and comfort, buried deep in his friend.

His smooth thrusts become pointed because the more she praises his work, the hotter he becomes, like he’s burning up from the inside in the best way possible. She writhes below him, pushing back into him, the sound of his balls slapping her weepy, perfect little cunt sending every ounce of blood straight into his dick.

One hand slams next to hers on the door, using it as leverage to pound into her. Deeper, need to be deeper, oh fuck, oh Jesus. The other grips desperately at her waist, anchoring himself to her so he doesn’t fly too far away into that glorious white space.

Her voice does that, too, her breathless sighs of, “Yes, yes, you’re doing so good, giving me that perfect cock so well, Aus,” are pushing him headlong to the brink.

Reaching around under her skirt, he finds her puffy clit and works it furiously, even in his blinding fog knowing he wants her to come over the edge with him. She keens and he pistons erratically at the sound.

“Fuck, you’re gonna be a good boy and come with me now, right Aus?” she pants, taking him like she was made to do so.

“Mhm,” is all he can manage, biting his lower lip and nodding. Heat floods him, overwhelming his senses as he fucks into her, needing every inch to remind him who he is. He begins to shudder when he feels her walls clench tighter around him.

“Oh, fuck, you’re g-gonna make me cum again, Aus! Oh, YES,” she moans, fluttering around him, and he shatters into little pieces right behind her.

He’s too far gone to pull out, selfishly claiming her and painting her walls white with his seed. Relishing in her warmth, he clings to her in his climax, not realizing the tears of relief streaming down his face.

Every ounce of tension in his body releases. The only sound in the room is their heavy breathing as they recover. She lets him linger inside her, seemingly aware of how far away he’s gone.

Eventually, the white space dims and he comes back into himself, sliding his softening cock out of her. He kisses her softly at the place where her neck meets her shoulder.

“I—Thank you,” he whispers, voice low and gravely, unsure of what to say, unsure of how to make her understand that she managed to banish his self-hating demons away right when he needed her.

She turns around and pulls his head down, pressing her lips to his forehead. “Anything for you, Aus.”

His now-relaxed body fills with warmth at that.

Finding a box of tissues, he grabs a clump, then falls reverently to his knees in front of her with the intent of cleaning her up. He pulls up the hem of her dress, revealing the short thatch of hair at the top of her pussy, worked swollen and red from him.

“You don’t have to do that, Aus,” she breathes. He can sense the blush in her voice, a modesty that was absent when she was trying to help him through his panic.

“Hush.” He taps her legs open and she relents quickly, unable to deny him. Pink and slick and bare to him, he looks up at her from below and adds, “You’re beautiful.”

She flushes pink and bashfully looks away.

His initial task to clean her abandoned, he watches in a kind of awe and pride the way his spent arousal, mixed with her own, leaks from her tight, little hole. He abandons the tissues on the floor. So entranced is he that he can’t stop himself from running his fingers through her folds and the slick.

She gasps from above, which quickly turns into a punctuated sigh when he leans forward and softly kisses her oversensitive nub. Fueled by her reaction and the deliciously musky taste of her on his lips, he flicks his tongue there.

She nearly doubles over, her hands flying into his sandy locks.

His body, still recovering from their sex, hums with pleasure. He laps at her again, and again. He can’t seem to help himself because she just makes him feel so good.

She shudders over him, trying to still his head. “Aus, I can’t,” she whines. This was obviously not part of her plan to calm him.

He smiles against her clit, then pulls back to watch as he uses two long fingers to push his dripping arousal back up into her tight heat.

The sound of her loud moan resonates in the small space as she falls back against the door, eyes closing with pleasure.

He holds there for a moment before he turns his attention back to her puffy, oversexed clit. Licking, sucking, and kissing it, he teases her. He works her into a frenzied, whimpering mess above him.

He pulls away briefly. “Am I doing good?” he asks with a hopeful little smile, still needing her approval. He scissors his fingers, sliding them in and out of her soaking and nearly-wrecked pussy.

All she can seem to do is nod frantically. That thrill of praise runs through him again.

Diving back in, he relishes the taste of her, of them, adding a third digit into her stretched hole. The noises are obscene, the squelching of their combined arousal filling the room as he fucks her relentlessly with his fingers. Her mewling whimpers let him know he’s still satisfying her. He can feel himself hardening again, but it’s an afterthought to her pleasure.

“Cum for me, baby, let me make you cum. Come on now,” he urges her.

Once he curls his fingers into that soft spot inside her and sucks on her nub just so, it doesn’t take long until she goes rigid and comes undone with a panting shudder. Again.

Austin strokes her through her climax then releases her with one last soft kiss to her mound. Then he finally uses those tissues to clean her gently. She shudders with overstimulation.

“You are too good, Austin Butler,” she gasps out.

“Promise?” he says, only half joking as they both put themselves back together.

Polly grabs him by the cheeks and stares directly into his big, blue eyes. “Aus, you are one of the best, most talented men I have ever known. Anything you choose to do, you give it your all. You will do well,” she says seriously. “Now, go out there and kick some ass for me, will you?” She smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

He can’t help but grin from ear to ear, his doubts banished.

And even though he is nervous and emotional the night of the awards, he thinks of that sublime and calm white space where he is always good enough. And when he sings at the show, he gives it his all, knowing that Polly is watching.

[muninnhuginn]

Hi Mun!!! I wanted to ask if you have any other kdramas or cdramas you would want to recommend? :0 I still need to catch up with Stranger/Secret Forest, but I’m curious if there are any others I should check out too!

That I do.

Okay so I'm trying to decide how much to factor in enjoyment vs quality here because I have a few shows I really enjoyed but are, um, well, you have to let some stuff pass.

I will mention that my tastes in terms of romancey stuff tends to lean towards non-existent or subtle and so that's largely reflected in my recs. The only exception to this on the list is Flower of Evil. (I didn't intend it but this list doesn't actually have any main BLs/GLs either. A lot of people ship various combos of the main three in MLC and WCL though.)

Shows below cut in no particular order:

Flower of Evil

(modern kdrama)

I wasn't sure how to start with this one so I'll just nab the description from Wikipedia as it's actually fairly accurate here:

Baek Hee-sung is a man who hides his identity and past from his wife Cha Ji-won, a detective. On the surface, they appear to be the perfect family: A loving couple with a beautiful six-year-old daughter who adores her parents. Cha Ji-won and her colleagues begin investigating a series of unexplained murders and she is confronted with the reality that her seemingly perfect husband may be hiding something from her.

I don't want to spoil much about this, but it's very cat-and-mousey. It's evil with the cliffhangers. At one point, it briefly becomes a buddy comedy between a guy and another guy he kept in his basement. And there is one scene where people just sit in a car crying for two minutes. So, like, it has the range? I think of it as a guilty pleasure kinda show personally, but it's probably the closest to Beyond Evil of the shows on this list.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook

(historical cdrama)

Full disclosure: I have only recently finished this and it has somewhat taken over my brain so I can't claim to be in any way unbiased here. Li Lianhua is a lying liar who lies who may or may not be the fallen hero Li Xiangyi (he is). He wants to get by pretending to be a doctor and minding his own business, but unfortunately, the plot is out to get him. And so he, along with Fang Duobing, end up investigating various crimes as Li Lianhua tries to find the body of his former senior to lay him to rest before his own body gives out on him.

My favourite thing about this show is a) Li Lianhua, and b) the dynamic between the main trio. The levels of trolling and identity porn at any one time are through the roof. It's a comedy until it isn't.

Reset

(modern cdrama)

This is the incredibly rare type of show known as a decent *modern* cdrama. It's a timeloop show and is fairly short at 15 episodes. It's about two strangers who are trapped on a bus that keeps exploding and their attempts to uncover why and how it keeps happening. Being a modern cdrama, some of the police stuff can be fairly... heavy-handed, but I think the writers do what they can despite that, and it does use the different bus passengers to explore different societal issues, which is neat.

Overall, it's a bit of a mystery show, a bit of a character drama, and a teensy bit of romance which is for the most part nicely underplayed.

White Cat Legend

(historical cdrama)

This is waaaaaay more down the enjoyment end than quality but I'm having such a good time here. This is originally based off a manhua (I've only read pieces of it myself) but mainly just takes the characters and some story beats and does its own thing. I watched the donghua first and tonally that was an interesting experience in how it raced between funny cat shenanigans and reckoning with the nature of war crimes (though the donghua stuck much closer to the og source overall). But the live action so far is staying firmly silly (I'm midway through so it will shift at some point, I'm sure, just can't see the tonal whiplash being as bad as in the donghua).

Anyway! To explain what the show actually *is*, it follows a guy who has been cursed to become a cat (in the manhua/donghua this means he's like a walking furry but the live action has it more of a werecat/shapeshifter deal which is good because I could not handle that cg 24/7) and his attempts at running investigations as part of the local court. This is not helped by being the only competent guy in the entire place. Still, at least his underlings are *incredibly* entertaining in their failures. So, most of the show is investigating crimes against a backdrop of Li Bing (catto dude) trying to uncover the origins of the curse and why the old court and his father died. There's also a purple dude with whom he has History and an italian vampire. And vice president shangguan, who is one of those rare female characters you get in historical cdramas where the show is actually normal about her existence *without* just entirely brushing over the implications of her being in her position as a woman.

Move to Heaven

(modern kdrama)

This is a genuine rec where I'm not going to say you have to let quality pass or whatever because it's objectively good and doesn't have a high entry barrier. It may be good to watch an episode at a time depending on your mood though rather than trying to marathon it or anything.

This show basically follows the 'move to heaven' team, who are summoned to clear out the belongings of the deceased. Each deceased person has a story associated with them and as part of tidying the belongings away, there's an element of investigating to find out what their story was. It can be a tearjerker at times, but it can also be incredibly sweet. Also, it has a canon autistic character where it actually strikes a really good balance in terms of not infantilising him whilst still having it make sense why he wants help with certain things.

Nirvana in Fire

(historical cdrama)

This is my beloved. My favourite cdrama of all time. But I suspect it may not fit for you if Secret Forest doesn't. Still, I'll mention it and say to look up the diagrams to keep track of all the characters in the early episodes (...yeah, it's that type of show).

Anyway, this show is about a terminally ill man who takes on a secret identity or two as he plots to take revenge/bring justice (depending on who you ask) for the crimes of the past. This is part of the 'lying liar who lies' subgenre. It's much more serious and complicated overall than Mysterious Lotus Casebook despite the superficial similarities, but it does have its lighthearted moments.

Misc. shows that didn't make the list

I'll mention Signal (kdrama) and Kairos (kdrama) because they both have neat time travel mechanics, but with huge stipulations here. Signal is the objectively better one of these two and the male mc in Kairos is unbearable at times but at the same time Kairos has enough good points to keep me watching. The friend trio of female mc (they're just besties frfr) and the villain romance subplot especially. Signal had potential to be amazing, but for me, some of the time travel mechanics fell through and it was almost BBC Sherlockian at times with some of the 'profiling' deductions.

Signal's premise is that there's a walkie talkie that links the past and the present between a current day consultant profiler (with a distrust of the police despite now working for them) and a past police officer who is dead in the present day. It follows various cases between the past and the present that are interlocking with each other, with the overarching mysteries being present day profiler's backstory and past cop's death. I feel like this started out decently, went hit-and-miss, had a few episodes where it was absolutely amazing, and then lost steam somewhat, though the ending hit the main points.

Kairos' premise centres around a mobile phone. When a phone is disconnected, the number ends up being assigned to someone else. So, the two main characters, living a month apart in time, have the same number and thus can communicate with each other. The male mc in the future has recently found out that his wife and daughter have both died and the female mc's mother has gone missing. So they've both got a scenario they need the other person to help them with and as they change things, more new problems keep cropping up. It's a show where the premise is super interesting, but I personally found it a very frustrating watch, not least because of characters making decisions that were in-character, but incredibly stupid and *not* in the entertaining way.

Also, as I didn't include any BLs/GLs, I'll mention that I cannot in good conscience recommend Guardian (cdrama), but it's such fun trash and it has Shen Wei. It's a bit like shows like Torchwood and Buffy in that it's ostensibly modern era but there's magic (sorry, 'aliens') and a team that's meant to be keeping on top of it all led by Zhao Yunlan. He meets Shen Wei and then proceeds to *keep meeting him* at various crime scenes because Shen Wei sucks at this whole low-key deal.

On a similar note, Couple of Mirrors (cdrama) is a republican era GL. The two leads are well-written, but it's basically like two different shows mushed together (a soap and an assassin/cat-and-mouse chase). It has Yan Wei though! It's about a popular writer meeting a photographer (who is also an assassin) and them both discovering that the writer's husband really and truly sucks.

[trashcritter]

Writer Interview Tag!

Ngl kind of chuckled to myself when @lolliputian tagged me in this, because I hardly consider myself a writer. I’ve written two full stories, only published one of them on ao3, that doesn’t feel like it counts. BUT. The questions were intriguing and I liked filling them out and thinking about this stuff. I’m tagging @boobcratchit and @el-inle and @poetryvampire and also anyone else who wants to steal this.

When did you start writing?

I mean as a kid I thought of myself as something of a creative writer through middle school, but something changed in high school where I suddenly decided I couldn’t do it anymore (probably just being an anxious perfectionistic teenager, honestly), and I transitioned to solely academic writing. I went to law school and became strictly a legal writer—and a damn good one. But I left my last writing-heavy job in 2020 and basically didn’t write anything until a couple of months ago, where for some reason I finally was able to rip the bandaid off.

Are there any specific themes or genres that you enjoy reading other than what you write?

Sci fi, horror, and I’m also a sucker for brain candy romance novels.

Is there a writer that you want to emulate or get compared to often?

Lol almost nobody is reading anything I’m writing yet, so no one is making any comparisons. I’m really just in a fact finding and developing phase of my writing as a creative pursuit—everything I’m reading I’m trying to think of what I like about it and how those things are being accomplished. So I guess I’m trying to emulate everyone right now as I work to find my own preferences.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I’ve been doing a lot of writing on my phone of all places. For whatever reason, it’s the cheat code to bypass the “writing = SERIOUS BUSINESS” panic moment in my brain that has kept me from transitioning from legal writing to writing as a creative pursuit. Occasionally I’ll hop on my desktop computer, and that is where I do most editing.

What is your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I don’t know yet! I’m mostly a visual artist, and I know that in that realm the best thing I can do for an idea is get it down on paper or in clay ASAP. I’ve been doing the same thing with my writing. Have an idea? A few lines? Throw it down in a new note. I find the ones I keep coming back to, whether it’s a project or a story, are the ones that are ready to have something made of them.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I’ve been really interested in grief and loss as of late. My first piece that I shared with the world earlier this summer is on its surface a really sweet happy little story, but it’s driving point for me was one of grief, and I’m not sure it reads as super bittersweet (it wasn’t intended to), but I know that it’s a very bittersweet story at least for me personally. I keep coming back to a piece lately that is more obviously about immediate loss as well as the consequences of old loss that has gone ungrieved.

Something that is less of a theme and more stylistic is I’m very interested in the flow and musicality of my words. All of my best physical art has a certain movement and musicality to it, and I feel like I’m constantly trying to bring that into my writing as well.

What is your reason for writing?

When I wrote as a large part of my career, I loved the power behind my words. I am a really good legal writer. I’m persuasive as fuck and I am excellent at evoking the emotion and the viewpoint I want my reader to have. I loved that feeling and found that I missed it once I stopped. So I write to recapture the feeling of command and control over language, for one. But also I write because it gives a voice to the words that I would say naturally if I could, but don’t really seem like they belong in every day speech. And I’m finding that I enjoy putting my blorbos in situations and seeing what they do. It’s imaginative in a way that is very different from visual art. Finally, it’s giving me a place to process things in a new way. And I really love being able to share those thoughts and feelings with others; we both discover we aren’t so alone when we connect over writing.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment that you find particularly motivating?

When people call out individual snippets of writing that they particularly thought were beautiful, that brings me such joy. But otherwise just getting encouraging notes has been great. I’m so new to this art form, I know I’m still very much a developing writer, and that things are rough around the edges. But being able to be welcomed by others and have fun with them is really wonderful.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I have no idea. Somebody called my writing very introspective, and I really felt proud of that comment. I think it *is* quite introspective, and I like that. I like taking the inner world and giving it voice.

What do you think is your greatest strength as a writer?

I have no idea what I’m doing. No really—there’s a freedom to being a beginner that you can’t get back. I don’t think my writing is always very effective yet, but I do think it’s honest and unconstrained. In time I’ll learn to build guardrails and give it more shape, but the key I think is maintaining that honesty. And that’s hard to do once you know what you’ve been doing “wrong” the whole time. I’m in no hurry to learn lol.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Oh this is all purely self indulgent bullshit.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I’m pretty self conscious of it right now because I can tell it’s not where I want it to be. And of course it isn’t—I’ve been practicing this skill for a few months, tops? I think it’s better than average for that timeline, but it’s by no means great. I’m trying to be okay with not being great though—it’s good practice for me (or so my therapist says ;) ). I think I’ve got some good ideas, and occasionally lightning strikes and I can create a really solid few sentences. But I can’t yet do it consistently. I just don’t know enough yet. But I’m having *fun* and nobody is paying me for it, and it’s nice to just be able to let something be.

[procrastinatorproject]

So, I was just mercilessly roasted by @regionalpancake, and it reminded me that I had opened tumblr a couple hours ago to write a post about the exact same thing she roasted me about -- but then I was good and put tumblr away because i need to do SO MANY UNI THINGS 😱

But now that it's come up again, I'm gonna just write this and then get back to Productivity™

Basically, I have this huge collection of semi-finished, mostly plotless Star Trek: La Sirena whump stories. And I do mean huge! On the order of 200k+ words, in fact. None of which I ever intended on sharing, because it's all daydream-adjacent and OC-centric (because my daydreams are pretty much exclusively self-inset. 'tis how the brain rolls, and always has).

If I ever wanted to share any of them publically, first of all, it would require a whole bunch of editing and/or added context to gloss over the parts where you'd need about ten years of daydreamt worldbuilding to understand what the fuck they're even talking about! And even with that smoothed over, there is still the issue of having a non-established and somewhat non-descript original main character, which can really put people off. And while I primarily write for myself and only secondarily for my friends, if I put something out into the world for others to see, I do wnat it to be semi-decent, so I do think about these things a lot.

But I've been rereading these stories, and goddamnit, there is some excellent writing in there! And some of it has already showed up in some of my main feed fics, but a lot of it hasn't, and actually, I really want to share it!

So, now I'm faced with a conundrum, because my choices basically are:

Only slightly edit the existing stories to smooth over the bits that really need additional context to make sense to a reader who hasn't lived in my head the past decade, but otherwise leave them as-is

Only take the best bits and pieces from the existing stories and create new original stories out of them that feauture canon characters (or maybe one or two OCs but make them fully-fleshed characters by including the required establishing passages to bring new readers on board)

Search-and-replace the OC with a canon character and do the required editing to make it work.

And I'm honestly torn 😅 Because I've been attempting approach 2 over the last few years, and nothing has been happening. Approach 1 is the "Fuck it, I write for myself and have a right to archive those stories, too!"-attitude I aspire to, but it's also fucking scary 🙈

But coincidentally, I was re-reading one of these stories earlier, and my brain kept going "Hm. If you shuffle these characters around a tiny bit and then make Agnes the main character, you'd only have to do some minor editing here and here for it to work really well for her, actually 🤔"

And just now, when I lamented to Pancakes that I really want to write more Agnes, her devastatingly accurate reply was: "Just search replace some of your whump with Agnes! That should fit, right?"

(Which... There is a reason I identify with Agnes so hard it makes it difficult for me to actually write her 🙈🙈🙈)

So yeah. That's what I've been mulling over this fine November day.

Serious question: Would you read a story that is fairly clearly marked as "OC main character with minimal establishment" if it containted characters and tropes you enjoyed? Or is that a huge No-no for you?

And second question: can you tell me why you feel either way? Is it nice to have a more-or-less blank slate to slot yourself into? Does it feel too personal if you suspect you're reading a writer's self-insert, whether they confirm it or not? Do you not care as long as the characterization of canon characters and the whump are good? Is it "I'm going to fanfic so I don't have to do the hard work of connecting with new characters"?

And if it were a properly established OC, i.e. not just "this person exists, already slotted into this crew, don't worry about it", but "this fully fleshed-out character has a backstory and a history of how they met these characters and they will be introduced accordingly" (like, say, Xyr in A Night at the Opera), does "OC" still make you think "must be self-insert and thus must be shit?" 🤔

[foxgloveinspace]

@thoseeyeslikefire @absentviolet @kyloreno-911

It's another LONG w.i.p. Wednesday! Explanation for why I haven't been making these, I guess:

took a week off in October cause I didn't feel like taking pics, then we had company and I didn't have time to do it, and then I got sick, ugh. But now I'm back and I'm gonna try to do these when I can again, possibly not every week, maybe every other week, cause I want to spend more time reading and writing this month if I can. (it's gonna be my first 'real' NaNoWriMo. Where I have a goal and such).

first off, the confession. I frogged the cardigan part of the og skulls cardigan. I kept looking at it, and looking at it, and I went 'I'm never going to wear this, I'm just doing it, to do it'. It's gone through like, three other iterations that I haven't been talking about cause I was really just trying to figure it out. I've finally found something I'm excited about making, which is a pieced together cardigan of double crochets, where on the right side rows I crochet through the back loop only. I'm feeling very inspired by this, especially since I could work on this even when I was super foggy from having a cold. Sadly, it did not get done in time for Halloween, but also I didn't intend for it to be just for Halloween. Hopefully this is something I'll wear all winter. It's my main w.i.p. rn and I hope to get it finished this week, so I'll post finished pics when I get it done.

and another 'wellllll there was a goof' project, lol. I messed up the left sock of my hocus pocus socks. so I decided to frog it, since then it would be easier to make the heel flap and gusset of the right sock! so! i then paused the first sock until I can catch up on the second sock, and when they are both ready to knit the foot, I'll pick them both up to knit two at a time again. I just haven't been able to knit very much cause of the foggy head from my cold. But! I am really happy with these and hopefully I'll have them done before the end of the year.

I picked back up the pass the honey cardigan! mostly cause it was easy knitting while I was, again, foggy from the cold..... wow. Any way, I know it probably doesn't look like it, but I did get some progress done on it, I think like two or three pattern repeats? I wasn't sure I wanted to continue it, but then I had the thought of 'it looks like dragon scales, not just honey comb' and now I love it lol. It's my dragon scale armor now.

and now! my birthday shawl!! (The Gaia Shawl) I only did the first bit on my birthday cause I was DETERMINED to get it started on the right day. I am loving this yarn and how it's working up, and I am really liking the little bit of the pattern I've worked at well. I'm not worried about how long it takes me cause my birthday shawl last year was being worked well into January. It'll be there when I feel good enough to work on it again. The only problem is that the pattern website keeps freezing.....

small yarn haul time!

the multi colored yarn is from one of my mom's friends actually, she has sheep and she goes through the entire process with it, and I got it from her 'booth' at the Heritage Days festival in Warsaw (which is no where near where I live). I have no idea what I want to make with it?? I'm thinking a hat and some socks maybe? it is a fingering weight yarn. Definitely the hat first, and then if I have enough yarn left over the socks. It's so soft and squishy, and I really love it.

and then the blues are for a project for my sister in law.... she kinda volunteered me for it, but it'll only take me a couple days at most. It's for a pixie from Harry Potter. The yarn is nice and soft, and I guess I'm looking forward to the challenge, but also she's just...... It's complicated.

And that's it from me! Thanks for reading <3

[skelezomperman]

Revising A Tale of Star-Crossed Knights: Chapter 1

Link to Chapter 1: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39015690/chapters/97592907/

This is going to be a series of posts which is part Author's Notes, part retrospective. I've been wanting to revise my novel-length story for a while now, both to make it read better and to eventually reformat it into a good eBook format (AO3's ebook downloads unfortunately are not what I want). The first part of that was actually commissioning a lovely cover art by @racecarart; the second part is going through each chapter, revising it, and uploading the new parts to AO3.

Chapter 1 was the very first part of the story that I wrote. The first scene with the armory meeting was actually written in May 2021, over a year before the actual work on this fic began. I think my motivation for it came back in April 2022 which meant that it took about a month to produce 3000 words. This was back in a time when I had no idea what the finalized product was going to look like; I thought that I would only have eight chapters and it would be 15k-20k words (not too much longer than Divine Wind, Earth Lance). I did not have a handle on pacing and it shows.

I would estimate that the new Chapter 1 is about 35% original writing. The original plotline where Finn and Erinys go from 0 to 100 in the span of a chapter is meant to be contrived, firstly because the pairing is contrived in of itself (it's very hard to get in-game) and secondly because the plot relies on a sort of Kent/Fiora moment. But the original piece was contrived in a bad way. I especially didn't feel that there was much chemistry between the two prior to the dance. The solution to that was simple: expand on the first two scenes so they would actually show chemistry! They meet for the first time, they get to know each other and realize they're similar, and then they start becoming attracted to each other. On the other hand, I cut a short scene where Finn saves Erinys from an arrow because it didn't add much other than clichés.

The dance scene was my favorite part of the chapter so it was unchanged. I do like writing ballroom dances, perhaps to the point of leaning on it as a crutch, so I kept that. The very last scene at the end, however, did go some revision. The idea that Erinys tripped over a pebble and accidentally kissed Finn comes across as too contrived to the point of being immature. I changed it so that it's just that passion gets the better of them. I think this version of the scene also makes it more obvious that they did The Funny with each other outdoors - of course, I don't want to write anything explicit or even something that would make it rated M.

One last thing is that I'm cutting out a worldbuilding thing where real-world European languages like French filtered into the fic. That got dropped after around Chapter 9 and I don't want to leave a vestige of something that gets dropped out. A couple OCs will probably face a similar fate...Ah well, editing does mean you have to cut things you like.

---

For posterity's sake, here are the original author's notes:

Welcome to my Finn/Erinys longform fic. I'm finally getting around to doing this journey, charting the relationship from when they first meet to the end of the game when Finn is with his kids. I don't intend to novelize the entire thing but I want to try to get as much as I can think of on paper, from start to finish. I'm going to incorporate the four previous fics I've made so far as well. At the moment my outline has eight chapters, but I might add more if I feel a need to split up chapters or add more content. Targeting for one chapter a week but I'm not completely sure, depends on my motivation ebbing and flowing.

This chapter is basically an introduction; a fluff if you will. There's not really that much development because it's just Finn and Erinys falling in love. Probably rushed but that's okay because the idea is that they let their emotions take over eventually - they have a Kent/Fiora moment, if you will. At first they deny they're in love even though Lewyn and to a lesser extent Quan are egging them on, but later on they go from 0 to 100 because they're young. I refuse to write them doing the actual act but yes, they do the thing at the end of the chapter. We'll see that it has consequences in the next couple chapters, and it's not going to be completely clean. But I can promise that there will be a bit more fluff in the next chapter with a proper date or two.

Also if you're curious, the currencies are real life references. *Denier* is French for denarius and it was the currency used by the Franks in the early Middle Ages. *Marka* was an obscure currency used by Poland during the first years of the II Rzeczpospolita before it was replaced by the złoty. I didn't want to be too on the nose with those.

[sheen1514]

To my ex best friend,

I've endeared you for so long, I've held you really close to my heart for an exceptional seven years and now it's finally time to let go.

I considered you as close as my real sister is to me, we were best friends after all. We were there to counsel each other, to provide warmth to each other and to rely and be reliable for each other. I brought about such drastic changes in myself for you, for your sake i opened up more to people, I became more talkative, I called you regularly, everyday (even though we met everyday) and I did everything, not just to please you but because it mattered a lot to me as well but then tell me why you ended it all so bitterly and instantly, without my knowledge?

We used to talk about things that mattered to us, so tell me, did our friendship matter so little to you that you didn't even care if you lost it forever? Did I not deserve to have one last peaceful word with you?

I think about you often. We shared lots of moments together but one that strikes out most to me is that day in school, when everyone else was celebrating in the small field and we snuck out and ran up the ladder, above the auditorium and in front of the home science lab, with our food and novels. I remember before we got there I was running around looking for you, to tell you how much I loved you and how I never want to lose you, even after school comes to an end but I did, didn't I?

When we were up there, we talked about everything warm and sweet. We planned our whole lives in a span of mere minutes, didn't we? I remember lying down with my head on your knee and both of us just looking at our classmates in the field below and thinking to ourselves how different we were from them, that we held true friendship and love for each other, then why Mehar? Why?

That day you came over to my place for your very first sleepover. We had a gala time and I still have pictures from that day. We celebrated festivals together, went on trips together, shopped together, watched movies together, read books together and all other things in the world then where did it go wrong for you? Why did you decide to tear it up into pieces?

I still have that photograph of you as a kid, you told me to keep it safe and I have. I hope you kept mine safe too. I don't know if we'll ever cross each other's paths again for you're miles away now and I'll be starting college in a few months. I never got to tell you about the man whom I fell in love with and now intend to get married to, you would've loved him for me.

However there's no worth in dwelling upon the past now. I'm writing this so as to relieve my soul of all the grief and sorrow it has endured over the past couple of months and to put a seal on it. Here I am finally moving on and hoping you've moved on just as merrily as you wanted to. I shall find happiness and comfort now in knowing that the great sacrifice of our friendship has led to me finding my one true friend in my current best friend of six years and has given me a reason to be all the more grateful to her. In doing so, you've rid me of all fickle friendships and have provided me with a long due lesson in this art of friendship.

On this note, I shall put an end to our conversations forever - which I've had with you personally and which I've had with my own conscience since the time you left me. May you find peace and joy wherever you go and with whomever you are.

To the happy times lived, to the grief stricken days with undertones of betrayal and bitterness, to the friends had, to the friends lost and now to newer and happier beginnings, I bid you farewell.

Your once dearest friend,

Sheen.

[aerialworms]

2, 3, 17 and 40 for the ask game!

Thank you for the ask, friend!!!

2) talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

Oh jeez, that could be almost all of my fics. They tend to keep growing and growing because the characters want to do more and more things, until a 500 word ficlet becomes a 12k multichap! The most notable, I think, is my destiel star trek fusion au, which started out as a quick oneshot to get the kirk/spock/dean/cas brainworms out of my head before last year's NaNoWriMo so that I could focus on my goal of finishing several WIPs I'd been working on for months. Instead of doing that, like I intended, I kept thinking of more and more ideas and plot points to add into the universe, and ended up with 13 total fic ideas, two fully written first drafts for them, plus a couple halves of other ones, and like. maybe a thousand words on one of the WIPs I'd intended on finishing. For the whole of NaNo. I think that's the problem with writing Dean and Cas, though - it's literally canon that they'll fight against the narrative the author sets them, even when I'm actively trying to get the two ungrateful bastards together /j

3) on a scale of 1-10 how much do you enjoy incorporating romance into the average story?

10, baby! I love writing romance. I do write stuff without romance (mostly in my original works), but I really enjoy writing romance in fics, which is all I've been writing lately.

17) what is your favorite line you’ve ever written?

"the world was thrown into a greyscale majesty, pierced with shadows that were darker than spilt ink."

Annoyingly, it's from a fic that I don't really want people to read anymore, and have only left up because a) it was my first ever fic (published 10 years ago!!!!) and b) it was a gift for my best friend at the time who I've since lost contact with, and I want her to be able to find it if she ever wants to (Ruby, if you still follow me on here, I miss you!). The phrase "a greyscale majesty" popped into my head when I was writing it and keeps popping back in. I just like the way it sounds, although it's a lot more flowery than I like to write these days. Not my best line, but definitely my favourite.

40) best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

Oh man, how to choose! I think it's a three way tie of comments left on my latest fic, Watching Over You - my wonderful friend Liz rereading chapter 3 before bed multiple times, someone here on tumblr saying it's a perfect bedtime story and they've reread it multiple times and it was an instant bookmark, and the absolutely tear-inducing comment on actual ao3 that my writing was cinematic and also "flows beautifully and is so enjoyable to read." I actually couldn't reply to that comment for almost a week cause my brain kept making dialup noises every time I read it! I actually got so much lovely feedback on that fic, I'm grateful for every single comment!!!

[tragedybunny]

A Fate Written in Indifferent Stars - Chapter 3

The Republic has fallen and the Empire has risen. Obi-Wan lives in exile on Tatooine, the distant guardian of Luke Skywalker. Amidst the desperation and desolation, the mysterious appearance of a Nightsister draws his curiosity. As he tries to piece together her true intentions, he finds himself more deeply entangled with her than he ever intended.

I'm back at it with another chapter. If you're reading and supporting know that I love you. I'm hoping I can keep working on this story and really build it into something great. As usual, comments and reblogs are appreciated.

Zelena had made good on her promise, continuing to see him whenever she could persuade him to meet up with her. Not that it was much work, but not wanting to seem too over eager though, he’d turn her down every so often. Every encounter was an excuse to study her, to poke and prod as much as possible without making her too suspicious. For several weeks they continued in what he thought of as a game she was playing, going for drinks after her shift, accompanying her through the marketplace, simply wandering the city and talking. Every time she seemed delighted to see him, as though she were surprised he kept turning back up. Over time, she’d opened up about her past a little bit more, but remained careful never to mention Dathomir. That coupled with the fact that she would always say goodbye just outside her door and never invited him kept Obi-Wan’s suspicions primed. 

Seeing what lay beyond that door felt like the key to unraveling the whole plot. And currently, it was close enough that he could feasibly be in and out before anyone noticed. If he got caught though, the whole plan would be spoiled. Acting impetuously was tempting, but he had developed better control than his Padawan days, no matter how eager he was to see this settled. 

Today he’d shown up on a whim, there were no shifts running at the mine due to equipment malfunctions. When he’d arrived, he’d found her just walking out of her door, leaving earlier than he would have thought with her late hours. “Ben, this is unexpected.” Shifting her weight while stationary, she’d adjusted a large satchel that hung from her shoulder across her torso to lay against her hip. Around them, the courtyard of the apartment complex had just begun coming to life, and the din cut through the morning air. 

“Sorry Zel, I didn’t realize you were busy.” It had been worth the attempt, but the waste of his time internally frustrated him, a lesson to not try the surprise route again. 

“Eh, a small health problem with one of Nagla’s brood.” Nagla, whom he’d only recently been officially introduced to, was the matriarch of the Rodian family that were Zelena’s neighbors. To date, he’d counted at least half a dozen children that belonged to the household, although it was hard to tell as several apartments were occupied by what seemed to be an extended clan. “I was going to stop by and see if I could be of any help.” It wasn’t the first time he’d been witness to her serving as a healer for the small community. Doctors weren’t always plentiful on Tatooine and even when there was one, many didn’t have the credits to get care. Natural remedies and very basic procedures were the best some could hope for. Her skills in these matters were one part of her past that Zelena had been slightly open about, claiming she’d learned them from her people’s elders and perfected them exploring her planet’s wilderness. He’d noted, as she had spoken of it while bandaging one of the local children who’d had a nasty fall, that again she avoided naming the planet. “And hide out from Kyrsta for a while.” 

He’d followed her gaze to the sight of a speeder bike, tipped over on its side, engine exposed, clearly having seen better days. Stunned for a moment, he hesitated before quietly asking, “Zel, what did you do?” 

“They ran into me.” For emphasis, she flung her hands in the air, seemingly exasperated at having to go into the subject yet another time. “Something got knocked loose, and I’m not much of a mechanic, so when I tried to mess with it, well.” She gestured back to the unfortunate machine. “Kyrsta might be considering my murder at this point.” 

Her expression was sullen, and her distress about the incident was evident. “Perhaps I could take a look?” He offered, the opportunity to be her savior could be pivotal, he told himself, even as she brightened a bit at his words. 

“You can try if you want.” She replied, shrugging, even as she smiled slightly. “Don’t worry about it too much though.” 

“Best of luck with the little one.” He watched as she walked across the well-trod sand that served as the path through the courtyard, not for the first time noticing her moving with an almost ethereal grace that was otherworldly and hypnotic. The red of her cloak made her easy to follow as weaved through the rising crowd, and his eyes remained on her until she was knocking at Nagla’s door. Only then did he turn his attention to the abused speeder, which brought him to this moment, where he realized the possibilities in how close it lay to her door. 

“What have I gotten myself into?” Muttering, he dropped down to his knees to study it. If nothing else, it would make a decent distraction while he waited for her to return. 

Though he was a competent tinkerer, he’d never quite had the genius for it that Anakin had. No doubt he’d torment him right now for attempting this before thinking it though, the thought made him feel as though he could both sob and cackle madly. But the ghosts of the past needed to remain there, and he put away the thoughts of how Anakin’s eyes lit up when he laughed. 

A small box of tools had been left open near the speeder, and he rifled through it, quickly taking stock of what he had to work with, seeing precious few that would do any good on this current case. Further evaluation of the damage revealed a panel had been removed and the evidence of someone blindly poking around was clear. “Really Zel?” He fussed out loud to himself. Clearly, she had been right, no matter what her other talents were, this was not among them. 

Exploring the engine, he tried to parse what was still in its proper place and found a power conduit that seemed to be hooked up in entirely the wrong spot. It was running a feedback loop instead of carrying power anywhere. Simple enough, he thought, pulling a spanner from the toolbox, just disconnect and reconnect. Only moments were needed to right its position, easy as he thought. When he attempted to power it on however he was met with a mocking silence. The power conduit was assuredly in the right place, there must have been something else he was missing, and so he pressed on. 

Time drifted away from him over the next several hours as he sat beneath the blazing light of the twin suns, pursuing every fix he could come up with and implement with what he had at his disposal. The heat weighed down on him, sweat covered his brow and his muscles began to ache. The residents of the complex passed by as they went about their daily lives, some gave him a curious glance, a whisper or two following in their wake. Idly, he wondered what they thought of him. 

The engine of the speeder eventually ceased to make sense to him. He’d tried everything, but nothing looked right anymore. There was a throbbing in his head and his thoughts had become muddled. Attempting to power it on one last time, the same frustrating nothingness was all that occurred. Sitting back, he sighed, a feeling of being unwell at last overcoming him. 

“Ben, you’re still out here!” Zelena’s voice wavered uncharacteristically, as though she were concerned about something. 

“I couldn’t quite get it to go.” The whole thing had seemed so important while he was working on it. Now he wasn’t sure why. Was it because it had her so troubled? That was foolishness, he owed her nothing. Whatever she thought she was to Ben Kenobi, he didn’t exist. Obi-Wan did, and he was alone in the galaxy. He was lost in the morass of all those thoughts he’d nearly forgotten about Zelena, who was now hovering directly over him. 

“It’s not that important. You’ve gone and made yourself sun sick being out here for too long.” Reaching down, she helped him to his feet, watching as he stood on unstable legs. 

“I’ll be fine, I swear.” The way she was fussing over him filled him with awful unease, and his instinct was to get away from it as quickly as he could. 

Turning in the direction of her door, she looked torn for a moment before finally resigning herself to whatever it was she was contemplating. “No way, you’re coming inside to cool off where I can keep an eye on you.” 

Unintentionally, he’d achieved exactly what he wanted, if only he could concentrate on it. But everything was so blurry, and he was so weary. Giving in, he placidly let her lead him forward, past the threshold, and into the dimly lit apartment. Hurriedly, he glanced around, taking in what details he could, unsure if he would ever see this chance again. A small living area was the first thing he encountered, a couch and a couple of chairs, all well-used were scattered around a low table, an old holo-projector in front of them. In one corner rested a shelf full of paper books, various jars, and assorted plant bits. A kitchen was to his right, small and not much more than functional, to his left was an open door he could see a lone bed through. 

Guiding him to the couch, Zelena helped him get settled on it. Following an irresistible urge, he sunk down to lay on his side, his body grateful for the relief of the relative coolness around him. Reappearing before he noticed she was gone, she handed him a glass which he took in a shaky hand. “Drink.” She ordered and he didn’t even think of resisting. The liquid was cool and tart, and it vaguely occurred to him that she could have given him something nefarious. But his eyes were heavy and the couch was astonishingly quite comfortable. Somehow, the glass had disappeared from his hand. “It’s alright, get some rest.” Gently, her fingers were running through his hair, adding to his already bewildered state, and reawakening some of those misgivings from that first night he went out with her. Heavy eyelids finally shut and he drifted off into slumber. 

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In that space between dream and reality, he heard something. A faint voice, singing or chanting, in a language unfamiliar to him, though he could guess what it was. Remarkably, an uncanny sense of comfort took hold of his spirit, and the voice kept on until he sunk into the darkest depths of sleep. 

The ship entered the docking bay at Ord Mantell City smoothly and without incident. Most of the passengers, save a few,  paid no heed and continued on with whatever it was that was occupying them, clearly bound for the freighter’s next destination. Ord Mantell, it would seem, remained a place few would choose to end up in. Poverty had completely overtaken it as corruption soared, and criminal elements ruled what little there was that was desirable. 

Discreetly, he moved amongst the crew as they off-loaded cargo, from the fringes carefully observing as the customs agents appeared to process them. One sleepy-looking Imperial Officer and two guards, a token unit more for the show of it than anything else. The Empire couldn’t appear to be disinterested in a world that for so long had been a trade hub and still saw much traffic, but they likely preferred to influence by means other than force. 

The Officer was more concerned with the crates that moved from the ship than with any of the passengers that were making their way planetside. Obi-Wan followed the small group, keeping close and his head down, and made as quickly as possible for the exit of the docking bay. Bail had ensured that he had enough fraudulent documentation to move around the galaxy as long as he stayed inconspicuous; he'd thought it prudent after the last incident. At the moment, he found himself extremely thankful for the forethought as it saved him the trouble of explaining what he’d needed to come all the way here for. The rescue of someone with whom he’d had a thoroughly complicated relationship, a relationship he still didn’t like to speak of in his innermost thoughts, let alone to anyone else. 

A droid scanned their ID Chips, uncaring and unknowing, pulling his hood down to cover his face, he followed the natural procession out into the street. The day was just dawning on Ord Mantell, and sunlight cut through fog and fumes alike, making the city almost shine like a newly constructed metropolis. Their little group began to disperse, some going along with parties that had been waiting for them, and others like him going on their own solitary way. Into the streets he headed, with little more guidance than a trust that the Force would lead him to where he needed to be.  

Built between the rise of the planet’s mountains, like many of the other metropolises, the city had seen better days. Once legitimate trade and industry had flourished here, but now years of abuse by the gangs and the Empire had taken their toll on it physically along with the populace. It reminded him of the lower levels of Coruscant in a way. The pervasive darkness was missing, but the crowds of those who were destitute and dangerous, the endless noise, and the glare of neon lights, still shining in the rising sun. 

Instinctually, he wanted to quicken his pace, to achieve what he’d set out to do and get off planet as soon as possible. The longer he stayed, the greater the risk. Now he needed to slow down, open himself, listen to the Force. The coordinates Zelena had sent him had been the general location for Ord Mantell City. Her time had been short and she hadn’t been able to give anything more, and it wasn’t as though he could wander the streets asking where the Black Sun was likely to hold those they had forced into their service. But perhaps looking to hire them could provide an in, a prospective smuggling job could do the trick. 

Cantinas, casinos, technically illegal fighting dens, they were everywhere, the culture of Ord Mantell that existed behind walls and closed doors. He’d find a contact somewhere who would get him where he needed to be, of that he was sure. Though thought of having to wade through the masses of scum and villainy gave him a slight pause and a sense, once again like that at his departure from Tatooine, that he was getting too old for these exploits. Once he saw that Zelena was safe, he was resolved that he wouldn’t be having another grand adventure. “Hey old man.” A rough voice from behind shook him from his thoughts, it promised violence, and he knew he’d found what he was looking for. The Force once again his steady guide. 

Turning to face the newcomer, his hands raised to the air, feigning shock. “I don’t want any trouble.” 

“There’s a fee to enter Ord Mantell City, you gotta give Black Sun their due.” There was nothing remarkable about the man he found himself speaking to. Gang tattoos, and a bit of muscle, but nothing that would mark him out as noteworthy or particularly dangerous. But no doubt he would prove himself useful for the task he required of him. Obi-Wan let him close the distance between the two of them.

Rather dramatically, he fumbled at a pouch on his belt, playing up his supposed feebleness. “I don’t have much.” The man’s own greed and eagerness were really the only disguise he needed as he moved in, inpatient for the easy mark. 

One hand revealed a blaster under his coat, and another reached for Obi-Wan. “Is it worth your life?” 

Before he realized the grave error he had made, Obi-Wan had squeezed his wrist in a vice-like grip and used the momentum of his own steps to send him colliding toward the wall of the building at his back. Tentatively, he glanced around, seeing no one had paid the encounter any heed. Still, best not to risk it too much. With another sharp motion he tugged the dazed and breathless man into a small alley between buildings. “Wh-Who are you?” He gasped, looking around frantically for an out. 

Obi-Wan held up a hand and let the Force flow through him. “I have an important cargo and I need it smuggled. You’ve seen the proof, you’ll get your cut.” 

The man’s eyes glazed over as the words took root in his mind. “You have an important cargo that you need to be smuggled, I’ve seen the proof, I’ll get a cut.” 

The mind trick had taken hold with ease, setting up the next step in the plan he’d been quickly formulating. “You should take me to someone who can arrange that.” 

A vacant voice echoed him for a second time. “I should take you to someone who can arrange that.” 

Releasing the wrist he’d been holding and stepping away, he let his new companion lead the way. “I know where we need to go.” He mumbled, as though half in a dream. Now it all depended on him actually having connections to be exploited. 

Exiting the alley, they began a route through the city, the man leading him on steps that started out jerky and uneven, perhaps he was fighting what had been done to his mind. Obi-Wan let his focus remain on him, searching for any more signs he would break free. It only needed to last long enough for the next contact. Through crowded streets and aging buildings, they trekked, stopping at a simple box of steel marked by an unassuming sign that read: “Ranack’s Outpost”.  “We’ll find someone inside,” he gestured as he opened the door, and Obi-Wan followed him in. 

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Chanting filled his thoughts, and his senses were overpowered with a scent like incense and spices from worlds he couldn’t name. They converged and melded, and the only clear thought was of Zelena and her hand softly brushing through his hair. Moving fitfully about where he lay, he faded in and out of consciousness until he no longer knew what was real and what was a dream. 

When his eyes groggily began to open, he realized at least parts of it had been very real. He was, in fact, laying across Zelena’s couch and her apartment looked very much like the hazy memories he had of walking inside. A quick assessment told him that she herself was not in the immediate vicinity. Head still foggy, he pushed up to a sitting position and further investigated his situation. The sparse apartment was like so many other homes on Tatooine, a place to survive in. “Zel”, he called, wondering where she’d gone off to. 

Taking a moment to get his unsteady legs under him, he began to idly explore her little space a bit more than the impressions he’d gotten upon entering. The kitchen was tidy and orderly, the living area sparse of much ornamentation except a rug on the ground that made it a little less austere. The shelf in the corner drew his eye again and he resolved to figure out some of what all that was at some point. Zelena still hadn’t made an appearance so he pressed on with the expedition.

Cautiously, he passed through the open doorway into her bedroom,a jumble of personal objects spread over a bureau and the bed vied for his attention, all bearing possible clues. A quick glance revealed another door on the side of the bed. The fresher, he surmised, hearing noise from within, the puzzle of where she had gone now solved. Likely, he should return to the less private part of her home before she emerged, seeing him here might make her suspicious. As he turned to go, something in the far corner caught his eye, a small statue on a table. 

Curiosity got the better of him, but it was the only indication he’d ever seen of her true past, and maybe the reason she had been hesitant to invite him inside. Just a quick glance, then he’d go back. A small sculpture of a woman stood on a low, simple table, in her hand was a bowl which held a few drops of a greenish liquid. Scattered around it were a curious collection of items; a small sharpened rock, a crystal almost as green as the liquid, bits of dried herbs, and a small skull of some sort. Below the table was a simple chest, that he knelt down to get a better look at. Looking as though it were an artifact from antiquity, he found it locked and couldn’t discern the mechanism to open it. Running a hand over it though, he was surprised he could feel it thrumming with power that made him recall his meeting with Mother Talzin. 

“Momentos from home.” A voice behind him spoke and he inhaled sharply, shocked she’d manage to not alert him before now. Could his head still be that foggy or was it some foul trick of hers? 

On guard, he stood slowly and turned to face her, trying to keep his expression from betraying him. For a moment today he’d forgotten himself, and wound up weakened and at her mercy, he needed to navigate this more carefully. Barely clad in her work uniform, she stood with a brush in her hand, and red curls, freshly cleaned by the sonic shower, tumbling around her shoulders. Thoughts frustratingly went hazy again as he cast around for how to respond. “There you are, I was just …” 

Her expression was as cold as an ancient grave. “You were snooping, Ben.” 

“Sorry, it’s just, I hadn’t ever seen anything like it and only intended to take a quick glance at it.” A little of the truth might give enough sincerity to his words that it would pacify her. Thus far he’d never known her to act violently, but the small shrine was an embodiment of the fact that she was, besides anything else, a Nightsister, and he didn’t know her capabilities. 

“Noted. If you’re feeling better, I think it’s time you leave. I need to get to work.” Her manner hadn’t warmed at all. 

“Right. Really, I am sorry about this.” There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, he’d been so close and now the one chance he had to do something useful, to prevent some evil from flourishing was possibly ruined. Like he ruined so much else, a voice inside insidiously whispered. Surrendering to her request, he turned and exited back to the living area. Zelena followed, ushering him from her secrets, all the while he remained wary she would do more in retaliation for the transgression.

“I have precious little left from my home, and I guard it above all things. Rarely do I show hospitality for that reason.” The chilly wrath was dissipating, leaving behind a melancholy he’d seen before when she spoke of what became of her family. “As you are my friend, I will try to let this go.” 

Despite all the thoughts of the malicious witch of moments ago, the words managed to sting him. He’d genuinely hurt her with his very intentional actions, something that he normally thought of as outside his character. Desperately he clung to the notion that it was a farce, this was all for show on her part, for reasons he didn’t understand. But the doubt was creeping back in, she could be like so many others, just a refugee trying to live after the horrors of war. And he was the monster, lying to and manipulating her. Turning to face her, he took one of her hands in his and held it gently, grateful she didn’t snatch it away. No matter the truth, he needed to fix what had been done. “Zelena, I promise I will make this up to you.” 

For the second time since he’d met her, he found himself in an unexpected embrace. This time he returned it quickly, if still a bit awkwardly, feeling the press of her outline through the thin uniform. Face resting against her curls, that exotic scent from his dream overtook him once more. While he breathed it in, trying to form some distinct conclusion from everything that had occurred today, he swore he heard her sniffle, and his mind reeled, scattering his thoughts again. He’d made her cry, what noble and Jedi-like behavior on his part. Sorrow beat against his mind, once again she pierced through whatever it was that blocked his connection to the Force, and he felt her raw emotions, tearing apart the last of his confidence in the rightness of his plot. Perhaps he’d been so caught up in having a mission and purpose again, that he’d been blind to the truth. He’d wanted an enemy he could fight, a wrong he could conquer, to feel useful. 

He let her linger there, head resting against his shoulder, far longer than he really should, until she sighed softly. “I should get going, if I’m late Malk will cut my hours.” Letting go, she backed away, emotions pushed aside it would seem. “We can worry about this later, just give me some time for now.” 

“Absolutely.” Time was what he needed himself, time to clear his head, evaluate everything, even going back to the start of all this. “I’ll be back, I promise.” 

The cloak that had been discarded when she’d brought him in waited for him near the door, and he bent to retrieve it, overwhelmed still by how quickly events had unfolded. With one last look back at her to see unease still written across her features, he exited back out into the dying day, exiled for the time being. 

In the weeks that followed, he resolved to stay a distant from Mos Eisley as possible, only going so far from the cave as Anchorhead for work, falling back into the routine he’d had before she disembarked the transport that had brought her to Tatooine. Strictly avoiding any place he could possibly encounter her was the goal. The two images he had of Zelena warred in his mind; Nightsisters wove magic that was steeped in the dark side, and allied themselves with the Sith when it was convenient, not to mention the slavery of the Nightbrothers, but Zelena was a healer who had been nothing but kind, and kept mostly to herself, not seemingly interested in anything beyond the life she was building. She had been on Tatooine for months, couldn’t she have tried something by now? Would she not have used his acquaintance, knowing he was familiar with traversing the planet, to look for Luke, if that's what she wanted? To combat the turmoil in his mind, he tried mediating several times, looking to discern the truth. Unsurprisingly, it did nothing to guide him, the Force seemingly having totally rejected him. Perhaps it was the final toll for his failures. Whatever the cause, all it gave him were more nightmares, with even more old memories dredged to the surface. 

The shifts in the mine were a trial unto themselves, grueling and intense. Companies often extracted what they could from the planet as quickly as possible, with little thought to the workers that made it possible. Already he’d lost a few comrades down in the depths, and they still couldn’t extract enough metal to make it profitable. Likely soon it would end up like most other mining ventures, a dead site with equipment being claimed by the sand and him having to find new employment to keep fed. The idea crossed his mind to look for something closer to the Lars homestead if he could, easier to keep an eye on things. Luke was growing faster than he could believe, already keen on trying to explore by himself as Owen and Beru chased after him. 

It was while he observed this spectacle, one evening from a distance that kept Owen from spotting him, that he finally felt his mind had settled enough that he would be comfortable seeing Zelena again. The time had come to decide if she really was a threat at all, and he had a bit of a plan to both appease her for his transgression and hopefully gwt her talking as much as possible. To that end, he planned his departure for early the next morning, before the sun rose. Both he and Akkani would be more comfortable the further they got before dawn. By some miracle, that night as he slept, there was only darkness to be had in his dreams. 

When he set out, leaving the cave with a couple days worth of supplies, he found Akkani, waiting with eagerness, as though to encourage him on. The path he took now seemed unavoidable to him, and likely the decision was long overdue, whatever had been holding him back. His patient friend took him across the sands and to the edge of the lively metropolis, the long ride giving him even more time to ponder, though he knew he’d find the answer when he spoke to her again. When they reached the outskirts, he stabled the Eopie and walked the rest of the distance to Zelena’s apartment. 

The first thing he noticed when he arrived was that Kyrsta’s speeder was gone and he wondered if she’d had to pay to have it fixed. Once she had mentioned to him saving up to move out of the crowded tenements, and his inability to fix the speeder had probably set her back considerably. It caused him a pang of guilt that he fended off by reminding himself he hadn’t made up his mind about her yet. That recollection was another piece of the puzzle though, he thought as he recalled that particular conversation. “I’ll get a nice place, marry some handsome, roguish pilot and settle down. Maybe even have a couple of children.” Walking beside him, she described the scene with a lighthearted tone and a smile, and he’d stared at her for a moment. “Don’t tell me you're jealous of my plan Ben.” 

At the time, he’d been trying to decide if she was sincere, the same question that haunted him still. “No just trying to picture you chasing around a brood the size of Nagla’s.” He teased to deflect her scrutiny. 

Now, less sure even than that day, he needed to press forward. Reaching Zelena’s door he hesitated only a moment before pressing the button for the buzzer. As he waited, he began to feel a dread that he hadn’t bothered rehearsing what he was going to say. After a nervous moment the door remained shut and he rang again,just wanting to get to it. Dejectedly he concluded it was possible he’d already missed her and he would have to try again later. As he was halfway set on leaving and doing just that, the door slid open.

Zelena stood there in a nightgown of undyed, plain cloth, eyes still heavy with sleep and posture guarded. “Ben?” She asked groggily. 

“Zel.” The word had hardly left his mouth and stinging pain bloomed on his cheek. Before he could react to dodge, she’d fiercely slapped him, leaving him speechless for a few seconds. “Ow.” 

“Weeks! You’ve been gone for weeks!” She was no longer quite so sleepy sounding. 

“You said give you space.” Rubbing his now sore cheek, he tried to defend himself. 

“That didn’t mean disappear for a ridiculous amount of time. Are you simple minded Ben Kenobi?” She raged, drawing the attention of some of her neighbors. 

“I didn’t think so before this but now…” It looked as though he’d be making penance for this as well, though her concern was leaving a warmth in his chest.

“I’ve had everyone asking around about you. I was worried, I-” Pulling her into his arms, her words were cut off as she wrapped herself around him. “I’m glad you’re not dead out in the dunes somewhere.”

“I missed you too, Zel.” Letting go, he backed up a pace, putting a little distance between them, it seemed a necessity to pull away from the emotions at play. “And I’m sorry for waking you up.” 

“Nevermind that, come inside.” Taking his hand, she nearly began to drag him behind her. It wasn’t lost on him that she’d essentially seemed to have forgiven his earlier transgression and was as warm as ever with him. “You can tell me how you plan to make everything up to me.” 

Forgiven but not forgotten it would seem. “I might have something in mind.”

[princess-of-purple-prose]

[ID: A tweet thread by Sean Kelly @/StorySlug that reads:

Something I think about a lot:

In Star Trek (2009) Spock Prime, who has accidentally traveled back in time 130 years into a parallel reality, hiding out in an ice cavern, accidentally runs into Jim Kirk and his first thought is, "How did you find me?"

Mind you, Spock hasn't seen Jim in a hundred years.

In Spock's reality, Jim died a hundred years ago during the christening of the Enterprise-B, and then again several decades later in events his acquaintance Jean-Luc Picard certainly told him about.

So in Spock's life, Kirk is double-dead. And he knows he's in a parallel universe, so reality isn't progressing the way it did in his memories. The galaxy is branching out, becoming ever-more-different than the one he knew.

Spock is a man who values logic above all else, a man of science and intellect, and all of that combined and his first thought is still, in essence:

"I'm in my darkest hour, so of course Jim Kirk is here to save me. Or at least, to be with me:'

No entertaining "coincidence."

The really interesting thing is, we have a second data point on this.

In "Relics," the episode of TNG where they find Scotty trapped in a transporter buffer, Riker mentions he's from the Enterprise.

Scotty responds, "I bet Jim Kirk got the ol' girl out of mothballs to find me"

Scotty stood on the edge of a massive hole where the Enterprise-B's hull used to be, staring into the void that claimed Jim Kirk. He was there the day he died. He knows that the Enterprise-A is a museum piece, that there have been other ships since then.

Now, in reality its because "Relics" aired long before "Star Trek: Generations," and the writers didn't yet know the fate of James T Kirk, or that Scotty would be there (most of his lines were originally intended for Spock, Chekov's lines for McCoy).

But I like to think that, deep down, every crew member of the original Enterprise believed this, deep down. No matter where they went, what dangers they faced, how long they lived, in their darkest moments, they believed, "I bet Captain Kirk is going to show up to save me."

Imagine how they held on, how they pushed themselves to be better, smarter, braver, because they believed that all they had to do to see another day was to hold out long enough for James T Kirk to find them.

That if they just kept moving, the Enterprise would warp in.

I don't think this is unique to the original crew, either.

Worf once said to O'Brien that when he was aboard the Enterprise, he felt like they were the heroes of the old stories he learned as a boy, that there was no trial they could not face together.

A couple of years later, Worf is captaining the Defiant, getting ready to ram the thing into a Borg cube, when his helmsman says "Another ship is warping in... it's the Enterprise!"

And the look on Worf's face says it all: "Of course it is."

To serve on the Enterprise - any Enterprise - is to believe in the Enterprise. To believe in the Captain. To believe in your friends.

Hang in there. Do your best. We're coming to save you. End ID]

i am legit crying here

[1d1195]

Protection… omg 😭 I don’t even know where to begin honestly! I’m going to be mixing the final chapter “feedback” with the series overall. But I don’t even like calling it feedback bc I feel like it’s just me GUSHING and fan-girling(do ppl still say that? lol) over your writting kinda like super supportive friend vibes!

ANWAYS omg I was so sad at the beginning when at first you were only introducing Harry interacting with his family, my heart was slowly shattering into pieces bc I THOUGHT WE LOST MISS WILDFLOWER😭 but she popped up and the smile and gasped that I let out omg and you brought it up in such cute casual way as if we weren’t left on a cliffhanger!?! And then she casually dropped the “baby” nickname 😭 MY HEARTTTTT! And the fact that his mom THANKED HER FOR KEEPING HIM ALIVE 💔💔💔 that hurt in such a good way lol

I’m so sad that Harry has developed of having nightmares and just over so emotionally drained and bruised from this :( but honestly I really love how you gave him this ONLY bc it shows how distraught he feels over everything. Before he was her bodyguard he basically lived a relatively normal life like he was just a cute little buff smart guy lol So it makes so much sense that he would respond like this after basically having so much fear installed in him by having her kidnapped and striped away from him and he was lowkey seeing first hand the love of his life almost DYING TWICE!(maybe three if the unfortunate bar incident was worse)and the fact he has to relive that in his dream is just so heartbreaking! But i would be more concerned if he wasn’t affected! And the fact he just wants to keep knowing she alive and just physically near him :( Also he TOLD HER HE LOVES HER 😭 a very private moment between them when he’s so vulnerable around her was so sweet😭

And I’m not surprised on how Miss Wildflowers is reacting only bc I feel like she deep down knew something like this would have happened to her. It’s super sad and dark that she may have though of this but she always knew something was off abt her moms death and her dad’s behavior didn’t help either:( I hope she’ll be okay too!

Also as much as I loved the tiny taste of what their smut /sex dynamic may be I’m glad we didn’t get their first time together fully in the main story. I feel like it would have taken away the shine of the overall plot of the story! There was so much going on, in a good way, that their complexity as both individuals and as a couple needed to have their own shine! It’s def going to so fun how they are going to progress and overcome this new life that is being presented for them! I need so many more Check-ins with them already!!! This is such a beautiful and exciting story that I love it to pieces!!! You did so amazing and I love your work so much you truly never disappoint !! -💜

Omg you are the absolute sweetest 💕 I still say fangirling so I totally know what you mean 😭

I def intended to make it a little “where is she?!” While you were reading so I’m sorry to cause the panic but it was kind of intentional after the cliffhanger. I def thought she deserved credit for keeping Harry alive (I was hoping by her being alive you would all infer that’s what kept Harry alive 🙈 but I’ll take what I can get 💕)

I love making Harry an absolute whiny baby 😭 I do feel like maybe he is a little too distraught. One of my extras he will be less self-deprecating (and another he will not hehehe) I def needed them to say they loved each other 😏 I’m glad you weren’t expecting smut. I agree. Not sure if I’ll get them there either tbh. I might just allude to it kinda thing.

She’s (me) is very good at compartmentalizing when bad things happen. She’ll be fine. She just needs a minute. Daddy issues make her stronger hahaha

I adore you 💕 thank you so much for all the feedback. I love it 💕

Xoxo

[arranjackson-a2-blog]

Production Log

Production:

Wednesday 5th April 2023:

On this day we intended to film all of the sequences we were unfortunately hindered by the rain and also the fact that to film outside the Cleveland centre we needed express permission. Once we moved on from the Cleveland centre it became clear that filming outside was quickly becoming impossible both due to the expensive nature of the equipment and the quality of the sound being hindered by the rain. To get around this issue we moved in to some of the college office spaces to film all of the office sequences with the councillor. All of these problems took up a large chunk of time however once we overcame them the whole process became much more streamlined and we effectively got the two scenes we did finished to a decent standard. To avoid this in future we will double check permissions and the weather forecast.

27/4/23: Today I intended to film a large majority of the shots I needed unfortunately one of my actors has had some issues and so was no longer available to film, this has forced me into a position where I will have to film these sequences next week, This leaves quite a tight schedule however I am capable of editing at home in DaVinci resolve and so should be able to turn it around so that the piece can be done for the deadline.

03/5/23: Today it seemed as though the whole thing was about ready to fall apart as my main actor had to pull out due to health and family reasons so it would’ve seemed that it was going to fall however I just put my headphones on and kept cool immediately reaching out to the head of performing arts to request a visit to that section of the college, he then promptly replied to me and I will be visiting the performing arts to try and source another actor. After My trip to performing arts I was unable to source any available actors, However I was able to find a work around by recasting an actor already in it and reshooting all of their scenes with a friend of mine in their place.

5/5/23:

Today we intended to film in Middlesbrough and then move onto Marske to film all of the sequences at Chris’s house. However it became apparent first thing in the morning that Ryan whose house we would be filming in was much too ill to film on this day and it became very uncertain whether we would be able to film the sequences needed. It became apparent that we wouldn’t be able to do this fortunately I was able to offer up my house to film in so we hopped on a bus and filmed at my house. Overall this was a fairly efficient filming process making good camera angles and getting done in a decent amount of time, However upon further thought it became apparent that some scenes hadn’t be filmed so plans have been put in place for another shoot at my house. In relation to the filming in town that went very well as we successfully produced all of the shots in a timely manner and to a high standard, there were very few problems besides a couple of approaches from homeless people, security etc.

12/2/23:

Today it became apparent that we needed 3 or 4 more scenes in my local area/house so we organised to have an actor come with us and shoot those scenes. Before setting off we took a quick stop in the streaming room of MC Digital to record some voiceover pieces for the Scene where the councillor read Toms letter. This process went swimmingly and the voiceovers we recorded were to a high standard and proved to be incredibly useful if not a bit quiet but that can be fixed in post production. After this process we hopped on a bus to Coulby Newham which allowed me time to plan what kind of shots I wanted to use. Upon arrival we moved to a park to record the scenes where the councillor and Tom meet up and discuss matters, this also went decently well besides having to take numerous takes for each shot due to actor mishaps and directional choices but besides this we got all of the shots done. After this we moved onto an estate to film all of the house and estate scenes and besides a couple public interruptions our flow was strong and the whole thing got done quite quickly.