#instead of worrying abt what jesus would think of this let’s just worry about people who are alive and want to keep it that way

[binders-and-beanies]

Yeah sorry if me not being comfortable w christianity feels oppressive to my oppressors lol. This week a large group of christians, led by a widely supported writer for my city’s newspaper, organized a march where they loudly chanted prayers about lgbt people dying so they can reclaim the city that’s rightfully theirs. Bc there was supposed to be a drag story hour in the library. And then someone placed a “suspicious package” by the library, called in bomb threats serious enough to get multiple blocks shut down, doxxed several local lgbt folk and allies, posted their home addresses calling for their deaths and claimed to have placed bombs in their homes. All in the name of the lord. But yeah me being vocal abt wanting freedom from christianity is the real oppression

[desire-mona]

WARNING I ramble whoops.

Okay bestie so the AI Olympics situation is thus: lots of commercials for the type of AI that is with like… computers? Like Gemini for Google and Copilot for Microsoft (?) and things like that.

The Copilot ones entail lots of work use, so like “Copilot, summarize this meeting.” “Copilot, make this sheet of words into a product presentation.” And it’s being presented like “look we can make it so you don’t have to actually work AI will make your presentation for you in five minutes :)” “wow we can summarize your meeting so you don’t have to pay attention if you don’t want :)” Which. I hope the thinly-veiled threat is obvious? Like this is a poor prospect. If AI will be able to do that so effectively, jobs won’t go to humans, especially if all the humans are doing is using the AI. It’s framed so manipulatively so that you don’t think, “hey, maybe we DON’T want to encourage more machines just doing peoples’ jobs.” Plus there’s a privacy element, why would you want AI monitoring your calls. That’s weird, just in concept, especially when privacy is a precious commodity. Plus obviously the plagiarism with the presentations. It’s just AI art for businesses. Now we don’t have to pay an artist! Die.

And then there’s one in particular that I just hate, and I think it’s for Gemini? I can’t remember for sure. But the whole ad is like a dad talking about how his daughter wants to be like one of the Olympic sprinters. And instead of writing a letter… He tells the AI to write him a letter to send to the athlete….. what the fuck???? He spends most of the commercial essentially dictating the perfect letter anyway, so it’s so stupid and pointless, but it’s also super worrying because is this really what they want us to do with AI? They want to add a useless middleman just so they can make money? Are we not valuing the simplicity of human connection? Why would he not just write the letter himself WHY WOULD YOU WANT AI TO WRITE YOU A LETTER TO SOMEONE YOU REALLY ADMIRE THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

So sorry for how long this is I didn’t realize how mad it made me but I was just talking about it with my dad and it’s ridiculous.

TL;DR the Olympics AI commercials are ridiculous and if you know how to read between the lines, they’re super concerning also for literally the future of humanity in various ways.

ok cool yeah so this is next to nothing like the superbowl jesus washed feet commercial awesome!

i find it soooooo hard to talk abt ai without feeling like im just repeating talking points i stole from other ppl, my ai hate just feels so obviously justified and i really do find it baffling that people dont care. ummm i cant stop using the shitty robot that drains the earth of its natural resources and steals from the people who put actual passion into their work? hello? i have to use it to make this shitty image of a fish where i had to enter in like 5 different elaborate hyper specific prompts in order for it to be halfway right! we should also let this robot listen and look at everything we do ever and also let it do everything that people do btw

heres a good video that sums up my thoughts

edit: src

[ardentpoop]

truly no worries abt the long post it is what I do here every day :) I also very much understand your need to elaborate as I can see sam is just as important a character to you as he is to me <3

you have lots of valid points esp what you mentioned in your tags about getting fed up with the dean favoritism across both the writer’s room and the audience - bc these respective biases kept feeding on each other as the show went on and we have that to thank for sam becoming so heartbreakingly small by the end of the show. which on the one hand, makes for an excellent abuse narrative. on the other hand I do very much completely understand how difficult it becomes for sam stans to sit through; there are many stretches of the show that feel physically agonizing to watch in chronological order and that I can only enjoy in retrospect or when I’m skipping around in subsequent rewatches without the full weight of the narrative (or its garish time-wasting tangents) pressing down on me. like tbh I was only able to mostly let go of my years-old dean haterism after I’d gotten out of the s4-s10 stretch of my rewatch because Jesus Christ. it’s harrowing.

also very sorry that I constantly have comebacks (💀💀💀) BUT I do want to challenge your perspective on dean a little based on the examples you raised, as someone who has always been passionate abt the brothers’ relationship and feels that only a very small percentage of the audience truly grasps how it works. like I genuinely do think dean is very compelling and effective as an abusive character - possibly the worst (complimentary) I’ve ever encountered given the shockingly biased narrative and the audience around it enabling all of his worst behavior in a way that I truly don’t think could ever happen quite like this again.

with that said:

most viewers who have issues with dean start to notice red flags somewhere btwn s4-s6, however I like to point out to people that dean very much did take on john’s role immediately after he died at the start of s2. tbh you can see the bones of who he will become as early on as s1 even, but the dean who ends conversations by hitting sam; who storms out and leaves sam to deal with his own grief alone because dean’s is the all-consuming priority; whose over-reliance on “violence and alcoholism” scares sam; who decides whether sam lives or sam dies because that is part of his job? that guy very much starts to emerge in s2. and I think it is fascinating to observe him transform into the man he is by the end of s4.

speaking of s4: this is one of those points in the series that the vast majority does not recognize for the absolute bloodbath that it is, because of the narrative framing. sure heaven is telling dean he’s supposed to stop sam, but dean doesn’t trust heaven. sure john told dean he might have to kill sam if he can’t “save” him, but dean was openly resisting that idea in s2, and furthermore john is dead and can no longer dictate dean’s actions. dean demonstrates by the end of the season (and later in s5) that his problem with s4 sam was never even the demon blood really; it was that sam was doing things on “his own terms” with ruby, without dean’s say-so. it was, like it always is, about control. dean outright stated in “when the levee breaks” that he would rather let sam die in the panic room than risk a permanent loss of control over him. “[if he dies,] then at least he dies human!” I recommend that everyone who doesn’t remember s4 being that bad rewatches it while paying close attention to the developments in samndean’s relationship and how they’re framed, because s4-s5 is by far one of the most appalling periods of the show in terms of the abuse that sam suffers that goes completely unrecognized (instead it is justified and made out to be what was Right for him!) by everyone around him. and of course it is all made worse by the audience swallowing the romanticized narrative framing uncritically.

re: jack - of course dean replicated his treatment of s4 sam with jack, and of course sam let him do it. dean doesn’t think he did anything wrong in s4! for the reasons you outlined above including others, he believes he was doing what was best to keep sam “safe,” and sam himself rewrites what dean/bobby/cas did to him in s4-s5 to be able to deal with the psychological strain, especially post-cage. In 13.03 “patience” sam implores dean “you saved me! so help me save [jack].” dean’s response? “you deserved to be saved; he doesn’t!” early s13 is a frankly stunning period of the show and I mean that in a good way! regardless of how intentional it is, it truly shines a harsh light on the cracks that the events of the previous seasons have left in each of the brothers’ psyches, and on the stunted mindsets that were always going to result from their dynamic only “working” at sam’s expense and with dean as the all-powerful infallible patriarch. It’s absolutely incredible to me and a uniquely awful (again, complimentary) portrait of the cycle of domestic violence.

I’ll stop here because I could go on about samndean forever which is why I’m stuck here again 10 years later lol BUT all this is simply to say that we wouldn’t have gotten an abuse victim as densely layered as sam if Not for the narrative’s and the audience’s myriad problems and for that I am thankful. It’s horrible. I could write twenty more essays about it.

@lawgirljess sorry for the dean bias accusation abwhsbbsbdbdbd the phrasing of that made me laugh

I tend to assume even sam enjoyers (as opposed to self-declared dean stans who also do this) who express a preference for early-seasons sam can’t connect with mid-to-late seasons sam because of the issues with the narrative… also makes me sad when people don’t tough it out for late-seasons sam because there is so much to uncover about him as a character if you hold on tight </3

ALSO while I’m talking about this it bugs me when people draw a line between early-seasons dean and late-seasons dean as if they are two totally different guys; the former likable and the latter not; as if the roots of dean’s behavior in the later seasons weren’t laid out in the early seasons if you know what to look for. there is a lot more nuance to dean than this fandom gives him credit for on any side - ironically enough given he (more accurately, the fandom’s patchwork version of him) is supposedly the favorite.

sorry I had some pent-up energy from looking at unrelated posts a little bit ago 💀

[workofheart]

levi ackerman relationship hcs

some modern headcanons, nsfw below the cut <3 it’s just levi brainrot at this point

definitely the type to follow (stalk) your spotify and check in to see what you’re listening to. if he has the time, he might even listen along and wonder what you’re doing. if it’s a particularly sad song or series of songs, he’ll know to send you a text to let you know he’s thinking of you

on that note, he also stalks your pinterest boards just to see what you’re into these days and (idk abt yall but i save pins of mens fashion) if he sees a cute outfit in your saves that fits his style, he might even try it out. reason being (though he’ll never admit to it) he loooves that kind of attention from you - when he looks particularly good and you can’t stop staring, it might just pull a smirk out of him

once you’re living together, he lowkey acts like a dad. might scold you for not closing doors, not turning off lights, all the like. he means well, honestly

however, doesn’t mind tidying up for you. folds your laundry, clears your plate, takes your jacket off your shoulders when you get home, just because it’s his way of showing he cares. definitely an acts of service kind of guy

really good at cooking! he likes spending days in the kitchen with you while he whips something up or tries something new and you just sit at the counter and talk to him. it’s a good way to catch up as your adult lives can sometimes get busy

if you fall asleep with earbuds still in, he’ll gently take them out for you before you go to bed <3 he’ll also plug your phone in for you if you forgot

occasionally reads aloud to you, especially if you’re having trouble sleeping. we all know he’s not much of a talker, but his voice is so relaxing and he doesn’t mind doing it if he knows it will help

the chillest, coolest boyfriend ever. he’s so mature, honest, and trusting, and you don’t have to worry about those high school dramatics when you’re dating him. when he chooses to date you, he’s serious about it - definitely not the type to just date for fun. he won’t hesitate to deny advances from other people, doesn’t care about what you wear, just fully devoted to you and wouldn’t even think about anyone else

i also think that with that dating in general, you would probably start out as acquaintances or maybe even friends. he needs to have a lot of trust in the person he chooses to date, so only after he’s known you a long time and you’ve made enough of an impact on his life for him to make it hard to let you go would he date you

speaking of, didn’t isayama say that levi would stutter around his crush? i can imagine him stumbling over his words, trying to cover it up with a cough, reaching to scratch his neck all sheepish, just getting all shy. even once you’re far past that stage of your relationship, sometimes you’re so upfront and bold, he can’t help himself :( you just make him so weak

braids your hair for you when you’re too tired to do it yourself - you’ll sit in front of him and his fingers are so gentle with your hair 🥺 he got the hang of it so quickly and has the dexterity to not tangle your hair and it always comes out so nice and clean, even if you’re just going to sleep in them

i peg him as a biiiig cuddler. not a lot of pda besides holding your hand, wrapping his arms around your waist, letting you hook your arm around his, etc., but in private he loves when he can just lay his head on your lap or chest bc then you can play with his hair, which relaxes him

he’s really intuitive and in tune with your emotions. if you’re feeling down, he’ll know, and he’ll also know if you need space or if you need comfort, both of which he is more than willing to oblige

he’s there to bring you cups of tea, maybe some cut up strawberries on the days you’re tired and want to sleep. will definitely tuck you in, and will also lay down with you for a bit if you ask

his go to way of getting you to talk is going on drives. 1) levi is a really good driver and 2) he’ll usually come and find you wherever you may be around the apartment, say something along the lines of, “i’m going on a drive, you wanna come?” or might just give you a look and jingle the keys around his fingers

it might take a little while of rolling through the backroads aimlessly for you to speak up, but when you do, he’s all ears. lets you talk through your thoughts, might prompt you further, offers advice if you ask for it. it’s also how you sort through relationship misunderstandings - they are rare, but all relationships have them, so it would be silly to present your relationship without them

i think that when levi is upset on the other hand, he’ll usually come to you for comfort. he isn’t necessarily looking for advice, but just to calm down and rest. some form of physical touch is good, like cuddling or napping, preferably where he can put his head on your chest so you can play with his hair

i think levi is the type of person to get a lot of intrusive thoughts or memories that he doesn’t really want to remember when they pop up, so having you as a distraction to hold him and let him know it’s alright is something he really appreciates

nsfw below the cut (18+)

unpopular opinion: levi is NOT the hard dom people tag him as. rather, i think of levi as a service top, so while he may be carrying out more of the work, you’re the one in control. getting you off gets him off 100%

considering he is usually very dominant outside the bedroom, he likes the opportunity to let you take control and direct him instead - it takes a weight off his shoulders

slow and smooth kisser. might put up a fake fight for dominance just to make it more fun, but eventually take the lead and kiss him dizzy

hearing your moans makes him unbelievably hard. the sounds you make go straight to his dick

and so: godly at giving head. he might edge you but it’s not to tease or as punishment, he just takes his time because he knows it feels better for you, and at the end of the day he wants you to feel as good as possible. your pleasure is his main priority.

knows how to use his fingers, knows how to use his tongue. knows what you like and picks up on it very quickly. i don’t think he’s that experienced but he’s got a good natural sense of what feels good - do not doubt him, he knows where the clit is 

he’s got a very wide range of capabilities for this, too. he can go slow and sensual on a calm sunday morning or absolutely dive in and ravage your pussy for more intense sessions - this is the one time he doesn’t mind making a mess 

making you cum is good for his self esteem/confidence lmfaooo he lives to see your flushed cheeks and heaving chest and be told he’s doing well. when you scratch his hair or cup his cheek as a quick thank you, his heart swells and his dick twitches

please kiss his neck, he will absolutely melt for you. especially the next day when he looks in the mirror and notices the little love bites you left him... he runs his fingers over them lightly and his eyelids get a little droopy as he remembers everything, will definitely seek you out for another round

tbh i don’t think he’s that kinky. he likes what he likes, i can’t imagine him comfortably degrading you or hitting you or anything like that. realistically, levi wouldn’t be having sex with someone he’s not in a committed relationship with. he wants it to be special and personal and therefore probably would not enjoy treating you poorly even if just for the sake of sex. if anything, he wants it the other way around bc he could easily be a bit of a masochist in bed

loves when you restrain him and ride the shit out of him, either by tying his hands to the bed or just pinning his arms down. likes when you “use” him to get off. put your hands around his neck and he’s putty in your hands

really loves when you tell him to cum - your voice is music to his hears and to hear it out loud and as a command has him doing exactly that. he’s not one to disobey orders lol. 

his brows furrow, his eyes squeeze shut, mouth falls open and lets out a low moan... jesus christ 

one more deep kiss, a quick clean up, and then he’s passing out with his head on your chest. after-sex sleep is some of the best rest he’s ever gotten

[combat-wombatus]

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

or

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[javis-beretta]

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before (1)

this is part one of my first series, based off the movie w/ the same title which is so stupid and cheesy, i love it. i’m gonna continue this anyway (because i’m having a good time writing it) but pls send me an ask or a message if ya like it bc i crave validation. enjoy! <3

((also this has some swears and i don’t like writing abt girls fighting, so i’m changing that part of the plot thx))

part 2 / part 3 / part 4

It wasn’t that you fell in love easily, the opposite was actually true. You just had a lot of fuzzy feelings, fairly often, and those feelings were pretty easy to misinterpret as love. That’s how it had been with Race Higgins, back in grade six, when everyone still called him Tony and he was your first kiss in a game of spin the bottle. That’s how it had been with Romeo Cortes, when he danced with you at your first ever school dance in grade nine. That’s how it had been with Jack Kelly, who had been your first best friend, your cute neighbour and your sister’s first boyfriend.

(Well, Kath wasn’t your sister, not exactly. Her parents, Mr and Mrs Pulitzer had taken you in when your mom had passed and, when Mrs Pulitzer joined her, Katherine’s dad had become a father to you both. So, she wasn’t your sister, not by blood, but she was your family in every way that mattered.)

One thing your mother had taught you, long ago, before you’d been old enough to understand what she meant, was that there were few better ways to understand yourself than writing. She filled books with pages and pages of how she felt when she met your dad, and how she felt when he wasn’t around anymore, and how her heart soared with love for you.

So, whenever you heart felt a little too full, you let your feelings overflow onto pages. After you kissed Race, in the middle of a game of spin the bottle at your first real boy-girl party, you wrote him a letter explaining how much it meant to you. After Romeo saw you standing alone at your first Homecoming and took your hand to lead you in a sweet, short slow dance, you wrote him a letter about how good it felt to not be alone, and to have him by your side. After Katherine told you that she was dating Jack, when you felt your heart sink as you smiled and gave her a hug, you wrote him a letter about how much you wished he’d chosen you, or even seen you as an option.

The letters were only ever for your eyes, for you to understand what your heart wanted, at those moments. Race was dating Spot, your second (and ex) best friend; Romeo was gay, and the entire school knew that he’d been pining after Darcy for forever and Jack was cute and creative and kind, but Katherine was the closest person to your heart and you would never ever hurt her by dating him, even after they broke up when she left for college. The letters were all hypotheticals. They were impossible fantasies and you liked it that way.

Until, on the third day of your junior year, when it all came crashing down.

Race walked up to you, dressed in the same jeans and bomber jacket kind of style that he (and most of his track team friends) had been rocking since the start of high school. He made it work, but that was no secret. Everyone who had ever been in your school hallways knew that Race Higgins was cute. It was one of those things. The sun rose every morning, the moon controlled the tides, Race Higgins was cute. It was an easy and simple fact. Another easy and simple fact was that Spot, Race’s boyfriend, had stopped liking you pretty much as soon as high school had began. You weren’t sure why, but you didn’t mind too terribly. You had people in your corner, like Katherine and Davey, so Spot could dislike you if he wanted to. Still, he probably wouldn’t have been too happy to see Race coming to talk to you with a serious look in his eyes, looking as though he was seeking you out.

He found you sitting outside school, with your laptop open on your lap. You were working on your English assignment as you waited for the bus.

“Hey, Y/N. Can I, uh, talked to you for a second?”

You were surprised, but you pulled out an earphone and motioned for Race to sit down next to you.

“Listen, as much as I appreciate the thought, Spot and I, like, just broke up so I don’t think that we could…”

He trailed off, looking at you expectantly.

“No offense, but what are you talking about, Race?”

He laughed, sounding a little uneasy and reached into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper in a vaguely familiar envelope.

“This letter is, like, really sweet and from what I can remember that kiss was pretty hot, given that we were twelve, but, I just don’t think we should date.”

Suddenly, you felt a wave of nausea wash over you. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. He could not have gotten the letter. How could he have gotten the letter? It was locked away in a box at the top of the closest in your room and there was no way he could have it. But, he did. And, if he had gotten his, that meant that… Oh, motherfucking, no.

You looked up and saw Jack, heading out of the school building and making a beeline for you. No, no, no. So, before you could think, you panicked and did the only thing that would stop Jack from talking to you. You grabbed the collar of Race’s jacket and pulled him towards you. Letting your laptop drop onto the grass below you, you screwed your eyes shut, and kissed him. After a moment, he sunk into you and you opened your eyes for a second to see Jack, in your peripheral vision, hesitating and turning back. In your head you thanked Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

You pulled away from Race and both of you were gasping a little.

“Uh, okay, that was a little better than the kiss we had when we were twelve, but, um, respectfully, what the fuck just happened?”

Race sounded as confused as you felt, and just then, the school bus pulled in.

“Shit, I-I’m so sorry about that, but, uh, I have to go. Thank you!”

You grabbed your laptop, stuffed it in your bag and ran to the bus, sinking down into the first seat you found. You glanced out of the window and saw Race, still clutching the letter tightly in his hands, looking well-kissed, with wide pupils and swollen lips and more than a little bewildered.

“Fuck,” you said under your breath.

“You can say that again, sister.”

You glanced to your right and, there, sitting next to you in all his glory, was Romeo Cortes.

“Hi,” you said feebly, with an even weaker wave.

“Hey. You okay? You kind of look like you just got rejected from the college of your dreams.”

“Ha. Something like that. I definitely have the same ‘my life is officially over’ feeling.”

He gave a low whistle and spoke softly.

“So, I, uh, got your letter.”

For the third time that day, you felt ready to chug a cup of lighter fluid. You didn’t reply.

“I’m really flattered, and Homecoming really was fun, but, um, you know I’m gay, right?”

You covered your warm face with your hands.

“I know, of course I do,” the words came out a little muffled, so you pulled your hands away and continued. “I wrote that letter ages ago. Those are the feelings of past me, not current me, I swear. I am so so sorry.”

Romeo nudged your shoulder with his and shrugged.

“Hey, it’s all good. I’m used to being irresistible.”

You let out a little helpless laugh and he grinned, kindly.

“There we go. So, you can smile! You look like you need someone to talk to. Wanna tell me about your day?”

You looked at him and the words came spilling out. You explained the letters, and Jack and your consensually ambiguous kiss with Race and the pit of helplessness you felt at the bottom of your stomach.

“Wow,” was all he said, at first. What more could he say?

“Well, first of all, homeboy kissed back, so I wouldn’t worry about the consent there. Secondly, you need to talk to your sister before her ex-boyfriend does. And then, you need to talk to him. And Race. Basically, you’ve got a lot of talking to do.”

“Can’t I just sink into a hole and die instead?”

“While that sounds like a great option, I’d be gutted if my favourite dance partner disappeared.”

He gave you a smile, and you felt a little bit better. If Romeo believed your story, maybe the others would too.

The bus pulled up to your stop and you got up to leave. Romeo was right, you needed to call Kath, as soon as you could.

As you walked from the bus stop to your house, you saw someone standing on your porch. He was wearing paint-stained jeans, a dark blue shirt, murderously hot combat boots and a badass leather jacket. Jack Kelly. Of fucking course. Shit. You turned and ran, as fast as your legs would carry you.

[boyfriem-moved]

Tell me about your ocs!!

oh boy WILL I EVER (below the cut bc im probably gonna ramble forever sjhdlhfsjd sorry)

so the ocs i was shitposting abt in that last post are my dumbass 12 year old ocs who were inspired by seraph of the end and the mortal instruments so it was uh,,,,,,,, a whole ass trainwreck but i love them and every time i tried to make them interesting i ended up changing everything about them so like last year i decided i would keep as much the same as i wanted about them and just fully embrace the mary sue dumbness of it and go absolutely wild

so! the state of the world at this point is that most of humanity is dead and the world is overun with demons and seraphim and some Whole Ass Biblical Angels and also vampires i guess bc Fuck You Vampires Are Cool. most living humans travel around in packs, general apocalypse bullshit yknow anyways all that’s boring onto the characters 

rowan is my twelve year old self’s self insert and their main personality trait is that they have an eyepatch and own a scythe and i love them to death. they’re self sufficient and perpetually annoyed and super gay and pretend to have no feelings but are actually super high strung and constantly worried about their friends. also they have an edgy cloak and bright red hair and did i mention the eyepatch and the scythe they’re the world’s edgiest bitch and i love them 

picture (sry for the old art it’s from like last december oof)

mal was pretty much nothing except rowan’s comphet boyfriend when i was younger so naturally i gave him the world’s most undeserved makeover and now he’s just a whole entire rowdy boy. imagine if the kid at your middle school who was obsessed with yugioh, instead of switching to magic the gathering when they got to high school, switched to kinning god and fistfighting demons. HIS dumbass origin story is that he was so scared of death that he made a deal with a demon named malachi (not its real name, the demons and seraphim are so terribly inhuman that human ears can’t hear their names, so they pick their own names somewhere within the range of “jeff” to “ylllmar the destroyer”) and then decided “hey as long as i have your power i basically AM you”, and now refuses to be called by his human name (james) because he’s so Dedicated To The Kin. (he’s such an asshole that he once told someone not to deadname him when they used his proper name. that someone being rowan. who is actually trans. they were not amused) 

picture (again: old (from november 2017 i think)) (also don’t worry he’s fine)

jem is probably my favorite (not 2 pick favorites but it’s her). she has all the confidence of mal, who’s so strong that he’s All But Immortal, except she’s 15 and 5 feet tall and couldn’t fight someone if her life depended on it. rowan considers her their mortal enemy, but they’re really something closer to girlfriends (although really it’s not that far of a leap from one to the other). she’s nosy and fearless and when she was like 13 she pretended to be a vampire to survive, joined a vampire girl gang, became the leader of said girl gang, then revealed that she was a human, but they all loved her so much that they just kinda said “fuck it” and now she has a horde of vampires to protect her wherever she goes. she’s The Ultimate Femme. wants immortality but doesn’t want it now because she doesn’t want to live in the body of a 16 year old for the rest of her life, so she’s waiting until her twenties to let one of the vampires turn her. in the meantime, she wears red contact lenses (vampires don’t have red eyes. it’s just a Her Thing) and every one of her outfits has enough frills and ruffles to smother her in lace. 

i dont have a readily available drawing of her but uh? yknow that girl from kill la kill (not to bring up kill la kill in the year of our lord 2019 i am SO SORRY) 

this one. that’s what she looks like kinda 

i can’t tell if this ask if ungodly long or if it’s just the pictures or both (probably both) but aNYWAYS 

my favorite beside jem is angel, aka the world’s dumbest bitch. his deal is that he’s a seraphim who was beaten up by his brothers for being a little bitch so he decided he’d go find a human to hang out with instead. so he put on the world’s most unconvincing human disguise (when i say seraphim i AM imagining glowing wheels of fire and eyes but they can shapeshift in this story bc uh. my world my rules) and went to find a human. and human. and he found little 12 year old rowan, said “this’ll do”, handed them a scythe, and they’ve been a dream team ever since. he’s fascinated with humans in the way that people are fascinated with their pets, which is kinda weird bc rowan is 100% the babysitter in this situation. he likes killing things, learning about human culture, rowan, and...that’s pretty much it. he and jem get along well because he’s like an overenthusiastic person and she’s the only one with the boundless energy to endulge him. 

again, no picture i’ve made myself, but i DID find the picture i ripped off google images a million years ago and used as his face (i promise you he looks nothing like that now...also i didn’t remember it looking like it had been deep fried jesus)

other noteworthy characters include: 

- mal’s pet demon who’s usually either a cat or a bird, both with WAY too many eyes, but sometimes takes the form of a little girl. her name is sara and her hobbies include mocking mal and biting people

- one random nameless demon who masqueraded as a middle school math teacher before the apocalypse which doesn’t matter one fucking bit except for the fact that when i was 12 i named him after my real middle school math teacher (i guess just bc i didn’t have name ideas?). which was all fine and good until my mom emailed him the story and i had to talk to him about how i’d written a short story where i inserted him as a demon 

- mika, the second in command of jem’s (almost) all vampire girl gang, her ex girlfriend and the butch to her femme 

[othercat2]

Hi! So let me start by saying I'm loving your fic! I hope you're still doing request and prompts for it, so, could you write about David's opinion about Karkat before vs his opinion on him after the talk they had over pesterchum about Dave's future? If you someday also write the discussion David had with Dave right before that conversation I would owe you my life.

(Oh sheet I forgot to say WHICH fic I was talking abt in my last ask, sorry about that! I was talking about two for mirth)     

TotallyValid Concern

Dave is an okay kid. (Okay he’s in his twenties, butstill. He’s a goddamn kid.) You aren’t at all sure what you expected when you startedtalking to him, and later, met him at the airport for his visit. You’d seen himon TV and online, but TV takes off a few pounds and most of your actualpersonality. (You wish you’d reached out to him sooner.) Dave is smart,apparently shares the family sense of humor and is really, really good at aswordsmanship style that seems vaguely European. (No katanas shitty orotherwise here.)

You were maybe worried the kid would be some kind ofbasket case outside of TV appearances and comments on social media. You’d metrepatriate activists, and while they never went into too much detail, it was alwaysenough to make you uneasy and angry that anyone had gone through the shit theyhad. (It was also pretty shitty they were still going through shit.) But heseems okay, if also really nervous.  

It is pretty much not Striderly to take notice of such things,so you spend a lot of time distracting him until he relaxes. He’s impressed byyour penthouse and immediately feels the need to text about it to the Emissary.He laughs about whatever the Emissary texts back and tucks his phone away.

You…really don’t know how you feel about that. It becomespretty clear that Dave likes the Emissary, and frequently texts him, or sendshim pictures. Framing it as some kind of survival thing or something didn’treally work. Dave acted exactly like someone in a relationship, not someonepretending to be in one for their own survival.

There’s a lot of discussion over dinner, the three of youfeeling Dave out, Dave trying to figure you out. He doesn’t talk about Bro,which you aren’t really surprised about. You wouldn’t want to talk about Broeither. He does talk about having been a gladiator, and a little about havingbeen sold to the Grand Highblood. He also gives Hali a little lecture abouttrying to get him in trouble. “It’s not just rude, it can get someone killed,”Dave says. “You don’t set people up like that. If you get caught, everyone’sgoing to be against you, when you could have had allies instead.”

Hali taps his chair leg with his heel. “It’s not like hewould have done anything to you,” he says.

“Yeah but you didn’t know that, did you?” Dave pointsout. “It’s the principle. Karkat’s an Emancipationist so I wasn’t in any dangerbut if I had been, it would have been your fault.”

The conversation goes on to other things, but you can’thelp but thinking about the Emissary. About what the guy was actually like.Dave seemed pretty fond of him, but you weren’t sure you could trust that. DidDave have the frame of reference to know whether someone was “dating material”?Was the Emissary actually as much of an “Emancipationist” as he talked upbeing? (Did it even mean the same thing?)

So you worry. You have completely valid concerns.

Dave talks up how the Emisssary, “Karkat” didn’t want aconcubine. He also talks about “trying to get his seduction on” and some of thetraining he went through. “I really liked the dance lessons. The other classeswere kinda dumb though,” he says, dismissing them. “I ended up meeting a bunch offacilitators and sex workers online, and they liked my dancing, so that waspretty great. I got reblogged a couple times by actinicFlame who’s a well-knowncourtesan who blogs about dancing, mostly.

Mona wants to see the dancing, because she’s a traitor.(Mona: “David, it’s obviously something he’s proud of, and enjoys doing.” You:“It’s some kind of sex thing. I do not want to see my nephew doing some kind ofsex thing.” Mona: “David, it’s clear the dancing is an art thing, not just a‘sex thing’ let him show off.”) You do not want to see the dancing, but areover-ruled by the boys, who are also traitors.

The kid takes it out to the roof. Under Mona’s directionyou and the kids have dragged up a few of the chairs that usually live out bythe pool. Dave performs a dance with a lot of leaps and spins with his sword, asecond slow dance with a lot of posing, and then something he refers to as his“victory dance,” which involves a lot of strutting around and posing andswinging his sword.

You can’t help but be impressed. You think he couldprobably do the dancing professionally, in the UPT. You think he could probablygo to school for it, and make your suggestion for it a few nights later. Hecould probably get into one of the modern dancing troupes, or maybe start atroupe of his own. The kid gives you a skeptical look.

“I didn’t really get an early enough start, Uncle David,”the kid says.

“I don’t necessarily buy that,” you say. “I think youhave the chops to go on and have a really successful career at dancing. I didsome research about schools you could go to, with good dance programs.”

“Karkat already has me enrolled in classes,” Dave says.“Mostly a bunch of literature classes. At school feeding institutes in theEmpire.”

“The ones you talked about him signing you up for out ofthe blue?” You ask. “That you complain about?”

“Like the dance programs you want me to sign up for?”Dave shoots back. “Which are in the UPT, not the Empire, where I actually live.With my master.”  

“Is the story about you being rescued by the GrandHighblood and put in the custody of the Emissary not true?” you ask. “I mean,that the concubine thing was completely fake, like the fake married trope?”

“It was a joke, which is different from being fake,” Davesays. “At least as far as I can tell from what the Grand Highblood thinks. Andwhat he thinks is what matters, and what he thinks is that I belong to Karkat.”

“So you belong to Karkat, but you also belong to theGrand Highblood, and you have to put up with what they want,” you say. “Wheredoes what you might want come into play?”

“Well, I want tobe able to fight in the ring, but that’s not going to happen,” Dave says withconsiderable amusement. “And you can’t exactly offer me that.”

“Hey, fencing is a thing,” You say. “Hell, there are allkinds of sword competitions out there. I’m sure we could find you something.The sky’s the limit, kid.”

“I still belong to Karkat,” Dave points out. “Who doesnot live in the UPT.”

“But you don’t have to,” you say. “Even with this GrandHighblood hanging over your head telling you where you have to be, if Karkatcared about you, he’d let you stay here, right?”

“There’s no ‘if,’” the kid says, a little angry, but alsostrangely amused. “I know he cares about me. He’s so careful it’s almost alittle annoying sometimes.”

“Well okay,” you say. “So say I buy you from the GrandHighblood.”

“No,” the kid says.

“What, you don’t think I got the money? I bet I could buyhim out a couple times.”

“Yeah, but then I’d owe you,” the kid says, glaring atme. “And I don’t know what you want.”

“You’re family,kid,” you say, feeling a little frustrated at this point. “I want to know you’resafe. I want to make up for not being around to call CPS on that asshole. Jesuskid, you got raised by my asshole brother and sword and sandal epics I have aconcern!”

The kid flushes red at that. “I’d still owe you, UncleDavid. You can’t just–argh!” His hands go up in the air, form a gesture, adiamond with the first two fingers of either hand. You know that symbol is theone for moirallegiance and “pale” feelings in general. “It’s appreciated UncleDavid, really. Don’t offer to buy me, don’t make an offer to the GrandHighblood for me. It will not go well.”

“Kid–” you start to ask if he is actually in danger buthe shakes his head.

“Nope, look,” he says, lowering his hands. “I can’t giveyou a reassurance you’d actually believe,” he says. “You don’t have anythingthe Highblood would want that would be more than making his moirail happy. Hethinks I can make his moirail happy, and I really care about his moirail. But Ican’t give you a reassurance you’d believe, because you don’t know any of the signs and I keep forgetting.”

“Signs, huh.”

“Codewords and handsigns,” Dave says. “Which I shouldn’tbe telling you about. There’s ones for ‘yes I really am safe,’ and ones for ‘noI am not safe’ and ‘can I trust you’ and things like that.” He gives you asour, irritated look. “And I can’t reassure you, so you need to talk to Karkatyourself.”

“Okay,” you say. “Kid, I really am sorry about Bro. If I’dknown the asshole had somehow reproduced…”

“You cut off contact, right?” Dave says. “How would youhave known?”  

“Maybe I shouldn’t have,” you say. Maybe Bro had cared about you in his own way.After all he named his kid after you.

“No, fuck that,” Dave says. “Don’t even think of feelingguilty about it. I would have cut him off eventually if he hadn’t died. I won’tsay it didn’t mess me up as a kid, but as an adult I can say he was a shittycustodian, and the cutting off contact was the only thing you could have done,okay?”

You want to argue that, and you do, a little. But the kidis pretty definite about what he thinks about your guilt. There’s some morearguing about the Grand Highblood, going to school in the UPT and the like, butthe kid eventually argues you into talking to Karkat.  

[ryans-shaniac]

Can I request a part 2 to prompt 75?

remember when i said i’d accept writing prompts for 100 followers? me either. (not to use exam stress as an excuse or anything but exam stress kicked my ass) 

anyway i originally wasn’t going to do this because i’m not good with writing sequels to my writing but i actually had a burst of creativity so HERE WE GO BOYS 

read me first!

Ryan hadn’t been at school in a few days and needless to say, everyone was worried.

His mom and dad didn’t know what to do, Ryan barely told them anything. They put it down to stress and let their son have the rest of the week off. Back at school, Shane had been near mute as well. He was constantly checking his phone to see if Ryan had messaged him or tried to call him. Obviously there was nothing new.

He stared down at his lock screen for the fifth time in 2 minutes. It was a photo of him and Ryan at the abandoned warehouse down the road from their local mall. Ryan had dragged Shane and their friend TJ along as one final adventure before TJ moved to Florida. The photo was taken in front of defaced rusty shipping containers. Both of them were laughing and pointing at the giant dick that had been graffitied on the side of one of the containers in bright yellow.

Shane smiled at the memory, almost chucked, before being bought back to reality with Sara nudging him.

“If he hasn’t talked to you since Wednesday, he’s not going to text you now. Put your phone away and try to relax.” Sara had a sad smile on her face and Shane knew she was right.

“Yeah I know..I just..I’m so worried about him. He was so torn up after school, I can’t stop hearing his sobs in the back of my mind. They were my fault. But why? Maybe I should’ve spoken to him more. L-let him know I’m never gonna leave him. Maybe if I had just been a better friend then maybe-“

Arms on his shoulders stopped him spiralling. Shane had been spiralling a lot lately. All he could think about was what he could’ve done to do better and what he would say to Ryan if he were here.

Shane turned around and saw a concerned looking Andrew.

“Dude you have to calm down. None of this was your fault. Ryan’s clearly working through some shit and we just have to wait for him to feel cool enough to tell us what’s going on. Let’s just go to lunch and meet with the others, maybe someone has spoken to him.”  

Shane wanted to protest. Tell Andrew if Ryan was working through anything, then he would know about it because they don’t keep secrets from each other. But instead he just nodded solemnly and followed him to the cafeteria, Sara smiled and told him she’d speak to him later as she went off and joined her friends.

Their table consisted of Ryan, Shane, Andrew, Steven, Jen, Ella, Zach, Keith, Ned and Ned and Keith’s girlfriends, Ariel and Becky. Sometimes Sara and a couple of her friends (Eugene, Quinta, Freddie and Kelsey) would join them but that was rare, due to the fact that Eugene would try to pick a fight with Ella a lot. No one knew why but Eugene would always find something to argue about, especially if Zach was involved.

Everyone else was already sat down and Shane took a seat next to Jen who rubbed his back and gave him a sympathetic look. Why was everyone giving him sad looks today? Were they meant to make him feel better? The sad looks aren’t going to make Ryan talk to him or come to school.

There was a whisper on the other side of the table as Zach handed his phone to Steven, who then sighed and nodded. The phone was then passed to Ned and Ariel who both gave knowing looks to everyone else.

“Hello? You know I can see you guys, right? What was on Zach’s phone? Zach what did your phone say?” Panic struck Shane’s voice.

Everyone went silent and looked anywhere but Shane’s gaze. Shane felt the anger boiling inside him and before he got up and left, Zach passed his phone to Jen and nodded to her.

“Just..Just show him. He told me last night that I could show him.” Zach mumbled.

“Wait, I’m sorry what? Is this Ryan? You’ve spoken to him? Zach, what the fuck you promised you would let me know if-“

The phone was thrust into Shane’s shaking hands before he could continue. Everyone at the table had read this text except for him. He exhaled and looked down.

‘Ryan Boogara (11:10am): fuck all of this??? like dude tf?? feelings?? they r the biggest load of bullcrap i have ever experienced. remind me to never get them again. also remind me to go to the doctors and ask if they can surgically replace my tear ducts because mine have been run dry. there are no more tears to let fall. i can’t believe shane was so oblivious but also i can’t believe that i wasn’t more forward with how i felt. if i had been maybe this could’ve worked out nd we could b the high school sweethearts i dreamed abt. how do people DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! HOW DID NED AND KEITH DO THIS???? HOW DID STEVEN DO THIS???? AT LEAST THEY WERE ALL LUCKY!!!! THEIR INTENSE PINING GOT THEM A RELATIONSHIP!!! BUT ME??? LITTLE OL RYAN STEVEN BERGARA GOT NONE OF THAT!!!! ALL I GOT WAS HEARTACHE AND HURT!!!! why do. straight people exist? CHALLENGE ME THAT KORNFELD why do they exist an d why does the one (1) man i love have to be one of them. read that with a lot of spite. this was dumb from day one and you told me it wouldn’t have been worth it but i didn’t listen. and then i told jen and i didn’t listen to HER anD THEN I WENT TO  E U G E NE L E E YA N G FOR ADVICE YESTERDAY ON HOW TO GET OVER IT AND HE TOLD ME TO DRINKMY FEELINGS AWAY AND HERE I AM!!!! dude im wastED. all of my feels have intensified so much. its only 11am. WOOwee. if i ever see shane madej again I’m gonna punch him in the face and then kiss his lips better. i love him zachy. i love him. sso much

Me (12:00pm): dude are you okay? literally no one has heard from you since you ran off and shane is such a mess he is not handling anything well

Me (1:30pm): hey man remember drink some water and take painkillers

Ryan Boogara (9:00pm): jesus fuck i just woke up

Ryan Boogara (9:00pm): i’m sorry you had to deal with that

Me (9:03pm): no it’s alright are you okay?

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): yeah i have a massive headache and i miss shane. a lot.

Me (9:04pm): he misses you too

Me (9:04pm): he’s acting like you’ve died

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): i feel like i’ve died

Ryan Boogara (9:04pm): can you tell him i’m sorry and i love him

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): i’m over lying to him

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): you know what, just show him this i’m done

Ryan Boogara (9:05pm): at least then he has the weekend to process my shit and can decide on monday if he still wants to be my friend

Me (9:06pm): are you sure you’re not still drunk?

Ryan Boogara (9:06pm): yeah just do it

Ryan Boogara (9:06pm): im gonna try and go to bed gnight zach

Me (9:06pm): goodnight ry get some rest’

Shane couldn’t do anything except stare at the phone. He reread the message over and over. Ryan…had feelings for him? Since when?

Shane didn’t notice he was crying until he felt Jen’s arms wrap around his side. Next to him, Keith rested his hand on his shoulder. Shane missed his friend so much. And now his fears were confirmed that it was his fault, the guilt ate him up even more than usual.

Shane stumbled over his words, “I have-I’ve got-Ryan I need to see him-I want to tell him-I’m..”

Shane pushed himself up from his seat. Despite his friend’s protests, he just kept walking. Out of the cafeteria and out of the school grounds. Ryan’s house was a 20 minute walk from school and although taking an uber could’ve been quicker, Shane refused to waste any time, he knew he had to get to Ryan.

A sweaty and out of breath Shane pounded on the front door to the Bergara’s and when no one answered, he managed to break in with his debit card, a trick he learnt off Mike, a kid in his forensic science class. Shane marched upstairs and without knocking opened the door to Ryan’s room.

Ryan was lying in bed, his back to the door, completely oblivious to the man standing in the doorway.

“Why?”

Ryan sat bolt upright in bed and turned to the voice. He was a sight to behold, it seemed like he hadn’t slept in days and he smelt of vodka. Ryan’s face paled and he looked like he had seen a ghost.

“Shane? I-what did Zach show you the text?” Fear seeped into Ryan’s voice.

“Why?” This time Shane’s voice cracked. He could feel the lump in his throat rise.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan croaked.

Shane walked towards the bed and pushed Ryan down and kissed him. Both of them were surprised at the taller man’s actions but neither made an effort to stop. Shane climbed on top of Ryan, their lips not breaking apart. Ryan tasted like alcohol and Shane like mint. Their mouths worked together and Ryan released a low moan.

Since when did Shane want this? Maybe he always did, subconsciously, but never let himself think about it. Thank God he had called off the date with Sara until this whole thing with Ryan blew over.

The two boys pulled away for air, both of them crying, their tears mixed together on each others cheeks. Shane let out a breathy laugh.

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“Good. You should be.”

Ryan grinned and sighed contently, “I really like you, Shane.”

“I don’t know how I feel, but I do know that I really liked kissing you.”

“Then kiss me again.”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

and see now i didnt know masterpiece was gonna do an adaptation of little women.....i dont know if ive ever watched one all the way through

its a fun book if only because of how goddamn long it is, you get to be all following along and stuff......and like individual chapters can be fairly charming b/c its just like...cozy and all. and some scenes are just particularly fun....the Lively Second Oldest self-insert in jo is great too. cutting off all her hair scandalously, always an icon for that. its been ages since i last read through it so i’m like....feeling like theres some classic jo antic im missing here. its really too bad that she had to end up paired off with some older good christian father figure type guy out of nowhere, maybe b/c honestly it wouldve been too good if she got to date the other wild child of the night who was her bff and all....like, everything that happens is bound by Morals and virtuous christian lessons, rather than the characters or even the plot, which is overall just kind of like “several years pass”

coz as snuggly a read as it is and as fun as certain scenes are and following along with the characters are, its so constrained by the Moral Lessons for Virtuous Young Girls that every single arc has to land on. and i mean the author louisa may alcott was completely annoyed for that same reason too, she was actually having to make the book ultimately be a sort of christian guide for christian readers and it mustve been exasperating, especially for like, writing a book actually about girls and what they are like as people in their own women-only home, vs how you have to tell them how to be

off the top of my head, some particularly annoying points that were all “X character has to learn Y godly christian life path lesson”:

meg getting her hair burnt for all her vanity of trying to curl it like a god damn temptress instead of relying on ye olde humble godgiven natural looks

the entirety of what happens to meg after being married, aka in perpetual domestic servitude that required nonstop docility and charming housewifely attitude and being patronized by her Always Right husband and his manly wisdom and sensibility. i dont think louisa may alcott was fond of the concept of a married womans life, especially as per whatever christian morality had to say about it for 19th cent women

jo being lectured by her father figure i-guess-eventual-husband over the fact she made money as a writer via pulp stories, instead of like, following her heart as like a novelist or whatever. like she’s sinful for writing sensational lowly drivel and trying to get some god damn cash. i think she still has the chronically ill sister at that point. like lay off, you ass.

that same guy having to ward off the Evil Corrupting Modern Atheists. ok i get it. jesus and all

ok now im remembering married meg getting all In Trouble with her husband for buying herself expensive fabric for a dress. and feeling all ashamed like, her character is basically treated like a child in contrast with the unerring Good Sense of her husband and all his quiet mature disappointment in things she does and its like, good god. you were more respected during courtship. and ok i get it meg is so vain for caring about looks and clothes and hair and ughhhhhhH

and its funny with amy and her limes as the “following a schoolchums Trend and caring about social standing rather than being steadfast and detached from such frivolous matters” lesson but like also, let her have the 1860s equivalent of a beyblade or whatever and worry abt the immature stuff that matters to a like 10 yr old or whatever. jeez. christianity...

jo of course has to be punished for having a temper and has to settle down from her freespirited, unladylike ways in her maturity like.....yah ok

there’s like 827 chapters so of course a lot of them are just....especially heavy handed Lessons Of The Moment and dont even hardly have a plot

a lot of the Relationships in the end have to do with one character deciding to morally chastise another

im sure i’ll think of more Things That Chafed Most later. its like. Sigh

theres the time beth is the only one not affected by Sloth to go care for some sickly orphans and then she gets sick and nearly dies and doesnt but then does, so maybe thats a lesson in “dont overdo it.” syke she was pretty much A Timid Churchmouse Saint type so like...clearly her archetype was “actually too good for this world” and she had to die or else be cloistered forever. nowhere to go for that character type sorry. except heaven

also there is just a total lack of sexuality to anyone or anything at any time. everyones affections are very courtly and there is like, no concept of...idk, kissing even. jo is all “ugh why would you want to marry anyone, gross,” and its like, right on, and then she’s like “but anyways i myself will now marry this old scholarly dude who keeps acting like a dad at me” and its like. sigh. ppl have kids though too? it just........occurs...

but its got the fun parts anyways......i still remember a couple wild misconceptions i had the first time i read the book, the largest of which was that i completely missed the fact that beth dies like two thirds of the way through the book. i finished the book without noticing. i went about my life without noticing. i may have actually only noticed upon rereading it all later. she dies very euphemistically.

i also on my first reading didnt quite get the precise historical/cultural context in the very beginning b/c i didnt realize that like, describing laurie as brown and firmly establishing that he has dark eyes/skin/hair actually herein meant, like, “italian” rather than that he was black. it wasnt until i got a fair number of chapters past his introduction that i came across an illustration and was like ???????? whom?

well anyhow. i meant to be drawing rn instead of saying all this so i’ll just dump this out

[we-work-hard]

Conflict

Pairing: AJ Styles x Shane McMahon

Summary: Shane's thankful to be back home and safe after his crash-landing in the helicopter, but someone's still worried about him...

x-posted to aO3 (This isn't explicit yet, but I'm hoping...).

Notes: Shane/AJ are my FAVES, and I've wanted to write current-day versions for a while - mainly inspired by anons with @llowkeys (QUEEN), and the frickin' fantastic Shane/AJ fic writers of the world. 

(P.S. stylescoalition has already written a wonderful 'copter crash fic on aO3, and it's awesome, and anyone who hasn't read it should read it right now. Because it's SO GOOD)

P.S. I’m sleepy so this might be full of typos, tbh.

Warnings: Adultery, and language, and Daniel Bryan being a bit of a prick (I’m sticking with calling him Daniel Bryan). Also, maybe typos.

Conflict

‘jus had to get in a helicopter didn’t u’

Shane got the text at around 11, while snuggled up behind his wife in front of the TV, safe. After his ‘adventure’ in the helicopter today, she’d been terrified, angry, but – finally – relieved that he came home in one piece to her and the boys. He’d spent the last few hours alternately hugging and being hugged by his family, before getting the boys to calm down and sleep. She’d wanted to be close to him ever since then, tucked under his arm with her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He’d squeezed her tight and silently thanked God it hadn’t been more serious. He felt so, so stupid.

And talking of stupid, seems like AJ had heard about the helicopter’s crash-landing now too, and had decided to stick on ‘angry’.

But then, AJ was always angry now.

Shane can’t stop himself from thumbing in, ‘Who is this? I don’t recognise the number’.

That was pissy, but AJ makes him pissy. Stupid, hard-headed idiot man, getting in touch now just to piss him off. Shane’s not allowed to talk to him, even look at him, and AJ texts him tonight?

“Honey, you’re tensing up – you okay? Thinking about it? You’re not okay, are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine – don’t worry. Just, messages from work.”

“Now?! They can’t leave you alone for one night – after what happened today? I’m calling your stupid stubborn father–”

“No! Just, calm down – I need... I need some calm tonight. I don’t want to think. Please.”

She sighs and searches his face for the truth of that, and finds it. It settles her again. She doesn’t pick up on the kind of thinking he actually wants to avoid. Such as, thinking about the stupid man who’s blowing up his phone.  

‘u kno full well who this is, don’t be a prick shane.’

Aha. Shane’s the prick. Right.  

‘Ah – AJ, right? The last time we talked without a script you told me to put you out of my head – I did. Now, go away and leave me alone with my wife. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Me with my wife, playing happy families? I am. So, go back to being sullen and silent – you’re good at that. Leave me alone, like I’ve left you alone.’

He’s tensing up again, and she can feel it. So he strokes her hair, tucked under his chin. Always pretending, always hiding how he feels...

When the phone vibrates again, so fast, he knows AJ’s pissed.

‘oh, ur wife and family huh – family man now. Maybe u shld have thought abt them and the people u’d be leaving behind when u got into that crappy helicopter’

‘And what is that to you, how I travel, or my safety? Shouldn’t you be spending time with YOUR family, Allen? Instead of worrying about me?’

‘don’t call me allen’

‘Fuck you, Allen.’

‘fuck u shane u selfish ass’

“Do you want to go to bed, sweetheart? Maybe you should get some sleep, turn off the phone?”

It starts ringing, “P1” flashing on the screen. He rejects the call and turns the phone off.

“Sounds like a good idea, let’s go up.”

He can’t avoid this forever. But maybe he can try for a month or so. That’s about how long AJ’s been avoiding him.

*****

Two and a half months ago, on a Tuesday after taping...

"I mean, it's funny, but it's getting kinda weird."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess it is kinda weird…" Shane trails off.

He’s debriefing with Daniel backstage in his office for the night – the corner of a vending machine room, just because it had a desk in it – and they're talking about AJ Styles. Or, more accurately, Shane and AJ Styles, and the way they’ve been interacting since Wrestlemania. He didn't think anyone had picked up on it. Shit.

"Because, y'know, I get it, Shane. You guys are just goofing around. But, sometimes…”

Shane holds his breath.

“…I think he's taking it too far, like… is he flirting with you? It's weird," Daniel widens his eyes in mock concern.

AJ flirting? Flirting with him? Shane lets his breath out and feels his cheeks heat up in relief that he's not the one being accused of flirting. Then he feels guilty. Then he goes back to feeling relieved again. Okay, back to a little bit of guilty. He needs to throw Daniel completely off the scent that he might pick up any second, even though there isn’t a scent to pick up. No way, nothing. Not from him.

"Well, Daniel, it's just ribbing; we all do it. And you may have noticed this – we’re both married. To women. I think you're trying to stir something because you're bored."

"But, Shane–"

"You know how you get, Daniel,” Shane says wearily. Daniel’s got that impish look he gets when he’s looking to wind things up in the locker room. He’s a nice guy, but not the kind you let see your weak spots.

Luckily, it seems he hasn’t noticed Shane’s weak spot. Yet. Shit, shit, shit.

“Look, don't go around the locker room saying this crap – you're already on the ‘flat-earther’ stuff too much and he's getting crabby about it. Plus, you know he’s… religious."

“Don’t you mean: ‘kind-of a bigot’?”

Shane sighs.

“Did I say that, Daniel?”

“He’s got a reputation.”

“So have you.”

“For what?”

“Being annoying – can you wrap this up; can you do me that kindness?” Shane pinches the skin between his eyes with irritation. But not panic. Shit.

“I need to look over these scripts again. Off you go. Go away, Dan.”

“Hmm, well,” Daniel gets up to leave, with that same ‘I’m going to have to bring this up again, you know’ faux-worry thing he does.

“Stop it, Daniel. Have a good night. Or don’t.”

“Sure thang, sugar-britches,” Daniel gruffs out with a shitty Southern accent.

“You’re very funny,” Shane nods as Daniel finally walks away with a laugh.

“…Jesus.”

Shane allows himself to bang his head down on the desk.

It’s happening. Just what he’s been sweating about and losing sleep over.

Daniel will pick up on how defensive he’s being. Then he’ll notice how Shane has started watching AJ walk away whenever they pass in the hall. Then he’ll realise AJ’s just joking during their stilted interactions on camera (and backstage) when it gets ‘weird’, and that when Shane gives him the heart-eyes in response, he’s not joking.

Oh my God, how did this happen?

“Hey Shane.”

“JESUS.”

“Nah, Shane – just AJ.”

“Oh, right… of course. Yes?”

“Well, I just saw you collapsed on the desk. So, are you okay? You want some water, some ice? You know I’m good for that,” he says with a grin.

“There’s no Producer telling you to bring me ice now, AJ.”

“Uh, well, a Producer didn’t tell me to bring you ice earlier, either.”

AJ blushes and looks down at his feet. Uh-oh: danger. More weirdness imminent – is he making AJ feel uncomfortable? His poor straight co-worker AJ? Is Shane staring up at him too long? Oh God, he is.

“I- I’m fine, AJ – great! Just tired. Thank you, though. I appreciate that. Yes.” AJ finally looks back up and swallows, seems to roll his eyes at himself. Keep talking, Shane – keep talking.

“So, uh, AJ – you’re off to the hotel tonight, or driving through?”

“Hotel. Yeah. But driving through tomorrow… You?”

“Huh?”

“You drivin’ or stayin’?”

“Driving, back to Stanford.”

“Oh! Right,” he nods and looks at Shane for a while. Then realises Shane isn’t talking.

“Well, I guess I’m keepin’ ya...” he frowns.

Shane’s chest gets tight – what has Shane said, what’s wrong, what’s he done? Did AJ want him to stay behind longer, so he could tell him to cut out the mooning over him, all the hero-worship?

It is hero-worship he’s feeling towards AJ… right?

“Will we see ya next week, Shane?”

“I think so – should be around for rehearsal.”

“Okay. Cool. I’ll, uh, leave you to it.”

He knocks his knuckles against the wood of the desk twice, then turns to walk away. Finally. Shane lets out another breath he didn’t realise he was holding and tries to pull himself together. Maybe he needs therapy – would six weeks of intense psychoanalysis work with his schedule?

“Oh, Shane?”

Fuck.

“Yes, AJ?”

He’s stopped in the doorway, and he’s smirking.

“I got you that ice because you were looking overheated. Talkin’ to me on that show gets you all heated up and nervous, don’t it?’

Shane’s mouth goes dry. AJ’s eyes are sparkling with that playful look he’s been giving him since they started working together on the Wrestlemania angle. He can’t talk – does AJ know?

“It’s tough keeping up with The Phenomenal One, ain’t it?” Then he does the ‘AJ Styles pose’ with his arms out as he walks out of the door, laughing to himself, just like he had in the ring the taping after their match on April 2nd.

Shane swallows and starts to cough, undoing another button on his shirt. He’s sweating again, heart thudding fast in his chest.

It’s not hero-worship. Shane wants him.

“Oh, shit.”

*****

Shane can’t sleep. She’s sleeping, but since they got into bed, he’s been staring at the ceiling and regretting not taking the call from P1. AJ. Allen.

AJ might not want him anymore, but Shane still wants him. So badly. He only had AJ underneath him in a bed twice, but he wants him again. All of him. Even if he’s always angry.

The phone goes off when Shane turns it back on, quietly praying the noise won’t wake her.  

Three messages.

‘i was worried abt u’

‘i miss u shane’

‘forget it – delete these msgs’

Maybe AJ’s getting past ‘angry’. But neither of them are anywhere near relief.

[saunterfics]

picture this: dadsona jumping in craig's shower after a workout 👀👀👀

(I’m gonna answer the asks I’ve gotten these past two weeks in this post so it’ll be under the read more. I apologize I’m terrible at responding bc I always think I want to respond with more specific things to requests but maybe I shouldn’t keep hoarding asks…)

Craig would be so surprised lbr. But if you’re implying shower sex, then yes. Somehow instead of smexy I can only think of…angst…? Like 1) Craig might actually be annoyed bc he’s always so busy and he has a lot of work and stuff to get to after a shower so like, please, don’t? or 2) he does indulge in you and damn that was HOT but then he realizes he spent too much time there and starts to criticize himself for leaving River alone for too long, etc and blames himself for not being disciplined enough now that he allows himself to relax and actually be with you…? He’s someone who probably thinks too much bc he’s trying to set the bar so high and seriously. He needs to chill. 

Anon said: Will you write more Ddadds fanfics? Maybe something dirty, rough, fast with Robert? Or include some kinks, like chocking (with your hands) or rimming with any other character? 

Yes…maybe? I should? I just got really busy and haven’t been playing the game and then started losing the inspiration? I also usually browse tumblr on my phone, which doesn’t have blacklisting, so I’ve been avoiding it tbh because I am into Craig and also Robert, and tbh I like consuming content about Robert more, but I’d noticed quite the increase of Joseph/Robert stuff in there and I’m really not comfortable with that pairing so I’d rather not chance seeing it. Idk, the extent of my distaste for that kinda hit me all at once so…sigh. It just also feels very fetish-y too so that really nags at me. 

Anyways. Choking? Seriously? Hell yeah. Holy shit. I’m not into rimming myself, and I’m just indifferent to it so I don’t think I have the abilities to make it good. And something rough, fast, and dirty with Robert will most likely be when Dadsona is just “a tad” tipsy and he’s riling Robert on with dirty talk and esp calling him “daddy” and Robert just growls and holds you down but you’re just smirking up at him and continue to tempt him and he just. Can’t fucking handle you Jesus fucking Christ. (I also like someone’s hc I saw a while back about how Robert doesn’t actually enjoy sex all that much seeing as if you ever have sex with him he just chucks you out the window and all) so I like the thought that Robert slowly gets into sex more because he’s into you and it’s fun and Robert likes games and he quite likes the control play that you guys get into. 

Anon said: Concept – Robert getting hella excited to show dadsona his whole knife collection and the story behind each one ,,, what do you think

I think it’s cool…? But I personally would be more like “uh okay” tbh (I’m not a good partner to have let me tell you straight)…I’m not creative so I can’t think of what the cool stories would be behind his knives? Especially if there isn’t much to go off of on why he has them? I also don’t understand the notion of collecting things so…i’m sorry. 

Anon said: SO EXCITED FOR MORE KNIFE DAD, the first time dom robert stuff was super hot and endearing but i am so ready for FEELINGS, i can’t even tell you. (also don’t worry about the roseph requests, your writing should be for you first and foremost ❤︎)

I’M SORRY IF I’VE DISAPPOINTED YOU IN NOT PRODUCING MORE KNIFE DAD IN A WHILE. Anyways, thank you?? First time Dom!Robert will always be super cute in my heart. I had a lot of feels earlier this month but then it kinda got…knocked down several levels because of the Roseph stuff and how uncomfortable it made me? Like, it came as a shock with how much it affected me. I’m still kinda shocked, to be honest. So thank you for understanding that I want to avoid that. 

Anon said: I literally need an crave more Robert with a daddy kink

Lol same. Sorry, but I don’t really have inspiration for it right now? Unless you can give me a more specific scenario?

Brooo, im so glad u made that post abt roseph, some1 had to fckin say it 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

;n; It’s good to know that some people feel the same way. I really don’t like abusive relationships especially under the guise of hot hot BDSM (there’s a reason why I specifically say that I do not write hate!sex, which is a distinction from rough or angry sex). It’s also intriguing to me that most of the people I know who identify as male similarly want to indulge in Dadsona/one of the dads instead of pairing the dads together. I mean, I can’t say much because I try not to interact with the Roseph shippers, and I don’t really look into the other dads, but it’s another reason why it feels fetish-y to me bc why is Roseph hot…? I don’t really want the answer to that I’m just rambling bc someone is on my perspective. 

Anon said: i respect and understand your interpretation, but i personally feel like joseph/robert (roseph) are heavily implied to be exes? like, joseph kind of breaks robert’s heart because minor spoilers: there isn’t really a happy ending with joseph’s route - it always ends with him running away and using mary for an excuse. actually, something quite interesting happens if you date robert twice before going on joseph’s third date - a confrontation of sorts.

Thanks…? Sorry if I’m curt in my reply, but are you trying to voice your opinion in this discussion, or is this a justification on why you ship Roseph…? Because I’m taking it the latter way, and my response will be under that impression. The immediate response I had was, “So what?” because I did express that I don’t like certain implications that Robert was still involved with Joseph, etc. in addition to separate issues that I have with the fact that there’s no way Joseph/Robert can be in a healthy relationship whatsoever, unless I make Joseph a more mature man (than he canonically is, given that he leaves Dadsona in the end regardless, in his route). The fact that they’re implied to be exes means nothing other than add to the fact that Robert is emotionally wounded on many levels, and that he has so much to heal from. It only makes me sad, because this man already seems to be the type who is hard to open his heart, so then you’re telling me that he did open his heart to Joseph, only to have it broken terribly with the lame excuse of “I love you, but I don’t have the balls to leave my wife, whom I have a deteriorating romantic relationship with and that we are not attempting to repair” which implies “you’re still only second place to me, at most.” Not to mention the implications of what it would mean if Robert was previously involved with Joseph, and still is best buds with Mary? Was he still best buds with Mary when he cheated with her spouse? So you’re saying that it’s possible that Mary doesn’t know any of this, and Robert is hiding something this big from her? How much of a burden is that on his shoulders? (Although tbh, I’m more inclined to believe that Mary knows all this shit - she’s not a moron, she’s quite the intuitive woman - and she bonded with Robert over the fact that Joseph is a shit and really, I don’t think she and Joseph are in love anymore. They definitely still care, but the “in love” aspect of romance, that’s not there anymore. But the fact that there are also fan content that depicts that Mary knows and just kinda glosses over the issue by not reacting makes me uncomfortable, as well.) So basically, even if Joseph and Robert are exes, that doesn’t change anything imo. It only solidifies my belief that Joseph needs to man the fuck up and deal (and the fact that I think the game writers really failed in, in terms of representing the complexities of a relationship. They seemed to be on the right track, and then it turned to shit with the only excuse I’ve heard being “why would you want to be a homewrecker” and that’s not valid given that they gave Joseph a route). But anyways, about Joseph, that’s what it means to be an adult - relationships are complicated and there’s no black and white. You’ve got to work with that and keep moving. 

[makkeuga]

markhyuck prince/servant au

mark as a prince and hyuck as his servant and..... this is like headcanons i guess 

this is way too long jesus christ good luck 2 reading </33

- ok so mark would be the most admirable prince ever because he is so hard working and modest and kind and all the girls swoon over him tbh

- hyuck is his like... personal servant kinda?? who always wakes him up and makes him his bed and all so he isn't like too low in the hierarchy  

- mark's family didnt want a maid to do that stuff for him bc they dont want their perfect son to feel lust over any girl

- but as we all know, mark isnt really even interested in girls but we will get to that later

- okay so hyuck and mark are very close since hyuck was born to the castle too since his mom was a servant like him and they grew up together

- they are lowkey highkey best friends but !! they have to keep it low because its not suitable for a good boy like mark to hang out with people like donghyuck.

- mark always tells donghyuck his worries and opens up to him before going to bed and he would sit on the edge of his huge bed in his nightgown talking to him and donghyuck would pretend to do some last minute chores so he doesnt have to go just yet

- but of course he always has to go because mark is a prince and donghyuck is just a servant

- all the other boys bore mark so much. he has to attend these fancy ass dinners and all because well, duties, and the other children are just as dull as middle aged men or either too rebellious and talking down to others. mark isnt good at making friends in general even though his parents always tell him to so he tries

- and yet he is always thinking about donghyuck and comparing him to the other boys. donghyuck is always better, always more funnier and more understanding

- so when he gets back to his room donghyuck is waiting for him and mark is on the verge of tears (of frustration) and he almost tears off the fancy clothing he is wearing because its tough to be the perfect prince

- donghyuck would just sigh and take marks hand and rub his thumb over his knuckles and shake his head

- "they are all so horrible, i wish i could take you to those dinners instead"

- "i wouldn't be suitable for that anyway, you have to find a girl to marry who you will take as your companion"

- mark would just go all quiet and shrug his shoulders because mark wants no girl. he is quite convinced donghyuck is all he needs (and his parents, he loves them, really)

- he would also miss the sad look in donghyuck's eyes

- because all the girls swoon over mark but donghyuck is the one who really knows him and who really loves and admires him. not the perfect image but the real mark who gets his palms dirty when he falls off a horse and who whines like a child when he has to get up in the morning

- ok but in the mornings after hyuck has gotten up and ready, he goes to wake mark up. he sneaks carefully into his room and shuts the door and then is when he marches determinedly to the windows and opens the curtains to let the morning rays of sun in

- "good morning sunshine!" he'd yell to mark who would just turn on his side under the heavy blanket and well, whine and groan

- "it's time to rise and shine!" hyuck singsongs the same cliches every morning so it doesnt affect mark anymore so he just closes his eyes

- donghyuck walks to his bed and starts pulling the blanket off but mark just grabs (sleepily!!) donghyuck by his arm and tugs him into the bed next to him and just wraps his arms around the younger boy

- because sleepy mark is also very cuddly mark. its the same thing every morning and it makes donghyuck lose his marbles bc... no.... u cant do that.. ily my bro... thats whats he is thinking

- mark keeps his eyes shut but when he opens them donghyuck's face is so close and the sunshine coming thru the window is reflecting on his eyes and he just looks super beautiful like that and mark is kind of starstruck

- he gets the butterflies and all but he refuses to think about it so he just smiles and laughs with his voice kinda deep because its the morning. mark doesnt understand why donghyuck looks so flustered

- hyuck hits his head with his palm and sighs very loudly

- "you have to get washed up" and drags him up

- donghyuck has known for a very long time that he doesnt like mark only as a friend. he isnt even exactly sure when it escalated to that point bc mark just has always kind of been there and hyuck has seen him grow and mess up and all

- he is /super/ possessive of mark tbh but he never tells the older boy it. like in the whatever space where the servants and maids and all live he can hear the servant girls giggling about how handsome and perfect mark is and how they are jealous of the princess who gets to marry him and donghyuck goes all >:[

- so hyuck would just say something snappy or mean that mark wouldnt like girls like them bc !! he is so jealous !!! bc donghyuck isnt a girl and he is still just a servant after all and it makes him so mad

- donghyuck has some issues with anger management too like nothing super hardcore but anger makes him wanna break bricks

- so he just walks out and tries to find mark

- and like when he is walking somewhere with mark and he sees the girls hyuck just steps closer to mark and glares at them because the older boy is his

- even though he knows he isnt and it wont last but he wants to pretend!

- mark on the other hand had a long, long (ass) ride with realizing what he felt towards hyuck... like where hyuck realized it in their preteens mark only realized it just now as in like... age of 16

- its like... he never really felt attraction to girls anyways or it was always like "i guess they are pretty but thats it" where about donghyuck he was like "my beautiful intelligent funny understanding warm best friend" but it was always like !! best friend !! boys dont like boys !!

- like. highkey in denial

- but it was also bc he was quite young and all so he thought that he will have crushes on girls when he grows up. but he never does and at first he is kind of confused and scared bc everyone is talking abt he will feel strange things towards girls but he never does

- at some point he just puts the two together like... the feelings you should feel towards girls and what he feels towards donghyuck

- again it scares him bc mark is stuck to the stuff he has been taught to!!!

- but after a while he is like.. hyuck is my best friend and i dont wanna lose him bc of this.... so its okay.... and just accepts it (its tough but!!! he manages)

- he doesnt tell hyuck tho

- they both are highkey oblivious but the way they act is so boyfriend-ish anyways so they rlly wouldnt need a lot of chance

- sometimes when the duties and the life in castle gets too much mark asks hyuck to sneak him out

- when he did it for the first time hyuck was hesitant and kind of angry like "??? dont u realize i could get killed for doing this?????" but tbh hyuck is so whipped and cant say no to mark

- and now it happens more often

- mark loves the rush and excitement and seeing the normal life around the town and hyuck just loves to please mark (thats a lie, its not about pleasing but making him happy)

- mark wears a cloak with a hood and keeps his gaze down and narrows his shoulders to appear smaller. he holds donghyucks hand while they r walking on the cobblestone ground bc... he doesnt even have a reason he just wants to hold his hand

- donghyuck doesnt question it bc he doesnt want mark to stop either

- they always have a blast in the town and mark feels normal and ordinary which he likes

- but this time when they r drinking hot chocolate in a narrow street, sitting on a porch, mark doesnt let go of hyucks hand. he just keeps his fingers linked with his while looking away bc he is kinda embarrassed

- they finish their drinks in silence and mark is lowkey sad bc its getting late and they have to go soon but he isnt just ready to let the moment pass so he leans his head on hyuck's shoulder and goes like

- "i dont want this to end. i wanna be normal. with u" and hyuck feels so so so sad

- but they return to the castle, like always

- ok but its mark who confesses bc... he knows he has the upper hand if things would go wrong (which he doesnt wanna talk about)

- its after a fencing practice and mark is all sweaty and gross and covered in mud and mark is gonna take a bath and obviously hyuck is in the bathroom to help him

- but mark is still kind of high on adrenaline while being very exhausted so its a strange state of mind he is in and thats what leads to him just blurting it out (also that how pretty donghyuck looks with a little bit dirt on his cheekbone and messy hair)

- so mark just blurts it out like vomiting "donghyuckilikeyousomuchlikeishouldlikegirlsbutilikeyou"

- and donghyuck is like....excuse me

- like he heard it but ??!!!???!?!?!? his brain is yelling and screaming and he is like what

- mark is coming down to it too and almost taking it back but hyuck is raises his finger saying that shut up, let me think, so mark just stands there lowkey panicking

- "you like me?"

- "im sor---"

- "you, the prince, mark lee, like me?"

- "i didn't----"

- "shut the fuck up"

- and donghyuck just walks to him and kisses him but its not like boom lips on lips action but very careful and gentle and very very clumsy bc neither of them know what they r doing

- but yay! they both realize they love each other!

- also they know it wont be easy but........ they both agree that its worth a try

- and mark gets more of his morning snuggles

and im ending this here its almost 3am adios this was a ride i maybe will continue this someday who knows

[twinkubus]

so so so with your triad of thomases, I have several questions: 1. how does this correspond to the Trinity, if at all? 2. in what ways do they help you understand aspects of being a Christ that Jesus himself kinda doesn't? (more to come in another ask, because i totally cannot fit the last question into this tiny box)

3. you have a Jesuit spiritual director, right? if so: have you told them about this framework, and what was their reaction to it? maybe it’s because I’m still extremely early in the conversion/discernment processes, but I always veer toward excessive scrupulosity and often am afraid of what Real Christians™ will think of my spiritual experiences (especially with, like, Mary and a couple of other saints)

ok SO!! i am not sure if my response is going to be in order but i WILL say some things and hopefully they will answer the questions: 

I got introduced to each Thomas in chronological order funnily enough, haha. some background: i just became officially catholic last easter, but I’d been involved in “the community” 2 years prior to that. before I was an atheist and even before that i was Lutheran. 

so when I first started doing Catholic things I thought it would be cool to get into, and I liked it a lot, but I didn’t think belief was possible for me. During this period Thomas the Apostle was (and still continues to be) extraordinarily relatable. this is a man who has spent the past three years being one of the 12 main apostles to jesus, and when he meets up with the gang after the crucifixion, everyone but him is going on about this amazing experience they’ve had with the resurrected christ. thomas has had no access to this. it might be something he wants, even very badly, but he cannot bring himself to believe unless he actually touches, is able to literally feel jesus’s wounds under his hand. and he does! he gets it! (I’ve used his response, “My Lord and my God” in a fuckton of poetry i feel like btw). Jesus says to him, “blessed are they who have not seen but still believe” and thomas has been great to like…look up to in both 1) certain personal experiences that I see as a sign of God and make me respond w/ astonishment & incredulity, and 2) I’m never gonna get to stick my fingers into Jesus’s side, but Thomas knows exactly the frustration I feel at not getting that, especially when it seems like so many people around me already have. 

there’s also this great caravaggio img, “the incredulity of thomas” 

(i really appreciate the apostles in general- judas is popular on here, and holds a special place in my heart, but he gets a little bit more exposure so let’s just talk about how the twelve are, especially in mark’s gospel, shown repeatedly to have no clue wtf they’re doing or who jesus is or why anything is happening. they fuck things up repeatedly, and are comprised of random people with no real theological training, and they’re the chosen ones. simon peter is the absolute exemplar of this. he constantly misinterprets what jesus does, goes way overboard, believes in jesus enough to get off the boat but not enough to stay on top of the water, and denies jesus three separate times to save his own skin on the eve of the crucifixion. and he’s the vicar of christ!) 

thomas aquinas happened a little further down the road, when i was in RCIA and reading basically everything I could get my hands on. aquinas is basically emblematic of that time-  do you want book recs? i can give them to you (i also have a word doc full of notes from things that i took from certain books that i can share if you want). but also i was on bishop barron’s website, word on fire, you may or may not have heard of it. i was extremely wary of it bc i found it from a conservative friend of mine’s fb page and was basically going on it just to be disappointed at shitty conservative things… but that wasn’t it at all and i instead got introduced to thomas aquinas. i watched a video of fr barron’s that explained thomistic theology and went :OOO because it gave me a couple new ways of thinking about God and… ok, aquinas is just great as well because he introduced me to this whole tradition of intellectual & rational catholic theology that i wasn’t exactly aware of? when I was an atheist the most “intellectual” christianity I knew was fundie apologetics which is basically shit, but there’s a lot of stuff in the catholic tradition that has faith and reason as positive complements to each other. depending on your background this coould seem an extraordinarily obvious point but it’s cool to be like “oh hey 13th century scholasticism laid the groundwork for rationality and empiricism etc”, and faith isn’t by any means exclusive of reason

also I really like aquinas as a person- he  was called “the dumb ox” and people in his classes thought he was really stupid because he was quiet and didn’t talk much….. and then he became one of the most influential doctors of the church 

i don’t have a good picture for aquinas so i’m going to start off the merton section with a pic of him: 

one thing that struck me is how peaceful/content he looks in like all of his photographs. he looks absolutely like he has been in touch with God and that’s phenomenal. 

I’d heard about merton’s most popular book, The Seven Storey Mountain, a while ago, but waited to read it until this july because I was worried I wouldn’t like it. That was an extremely bad move- I loved it. it’s a chronicle of his life from birth —> being a rowdy boy and pretentious english major —> converting to catholicism —> entering the trappist monastery Gethsemani in Kentucky.  He’s really funny/witty (please read this amazing acct of him driving a Jeep) and has a lot of amusing anecdotes as well as more #relatable things. I also recently read The Sign of Jonas which covers 7 years of his journals in the monastery, and that one just, fundamentally affected me in ways I’m sure I’ll still be finding way down the line. 

On an immediate level, he writes a lot of things about writing that I relate to as both someone who writes and is catholic. He had plans to become an author, and basically gave that up when he became a monk, He ended up becoming a bestselling author still, though- only after he had articulated his willingness to give up that goal. That’s amazing to me. He also worried occasionally about writing being bad for him or bringing him away from God but his superiors kept telling him to continue, that it was a good thing, etc etc.   So just on a level of “person who wrote and is a convert” he is relatable but he also has a lot of very good more “spiritual” insights/struggles/etc that I can identify with, esp. written in Jonas but I’d rec Mountain to read first to just get a better sense of his life, if you’re interested. 

On the subject of Jesuit spiritual directors- and Jesuits in general, I know a number of them- they’re imo some of the best the church has to offer. They’re also not necessarily an accurate representation, if you want to compare the experience i’ve had with them to like, some random parish in Nowhere, The Midwest. Like I’ve shared some things I’ve written with some of them, including a more recent poem that involved the speaker making out with the devil, and no eyes were batted. Another is also the source of all my jokes that I don’t want to say around my parents :P They’re good eggs. A non-insignificant amount of the ones I know are gay, too. 

RE: scrupulosity, I have two things to say, the first being that I don’t think you have to worry about that w/ spiritual experiences concerning Mary and the saints. Those are classics. People have literally seen apparitions of Mary and the Church’s response has been “yo, cool”. Sole focus on Jesus to the exclusion of anyone else is more of a Protestant thing, imo, and there are tons of people now that are perfectly orthodox gushing over how cool the saints are. 

My second thing on that is, alright, I know the feel to be overly scrupulous. I was scrupulous as SHIT when I was a Lutheran, and actually one of the processes of becoming Catholic for me has been trying to let go of that, and trying to learn that, A) it’s okay to get things wrong, and being wrong is part of the process of learning to get things right, and knowing what goodness is, otherwise we don’t have any of that and don’t truly know it, and B) God cares more about loving every part of us than any type of ostracization or punishment for “being wrong”. God is always approaching us trying to forgive us, and it’s that first approach that even enables us to ask for forgiveness in the first place. It’s not like God withholds love and forgiveness until we realize we’re caught up in something that doesn’t lead to our flourishing. The love and forgiveness is always there already, even if we’re in a situation that doesn’t let us immediately recognize it. 

OKAY THIS TOOK…MUCH LONGER THAN I THOUGHT OMFG I have to go to class but, I hope this was helpful in some way and feel free to ask me any question you might have abt this!!!