#instead of actually internalising its messaging

[doggendoodle]

allllllll of this. Game Freak and The Pokémon Company might be horrid but that absolutely isn't the case for the people doing the actual work, especially not the character and creature designers. even without the omnipresent scourge of generative AI this is still a disgusting thing to do

Having fun reading the discourse for PalWorld

[starforgedthor]

when you become untouchable {Vigilante | Adrian Chase} // three

three. humble my bones with a cardiac

Summary: So you're asked to play doctor without any experience, but does it matter when you can simply know without the years of stress and study? What really worries you is the fact that you're about to know far too much about Peacemaker, and then immediately forget everything that you would have learned. It's an overwhelming situation for you, and people don't tend to react well to someone intimately knowing every detail of their lives, even when you promise to forget it.

Need to Know: She/Her pronouns. villain!meta-human!reader. self depricating reader. chaos. implied dehumanisation. canon typical violence. possible smut in later chapter i haven't decided. slowish burn.

Warnings: one isolated light-hearted mention of suicide, this chapter is more crass and implicitly sexual, some implied internalised homophobia, light medical descriptions (anaesthetic being administered, stitching up wounds, non-graphic) canon-typical violent/murder talk about the reader

[ masterpost ]

A/N: okay friends now we're getting into more of the meat of it here. this chapter has everything; hypercompetent reader, tired economos, Harcourt (beloved), knowing Peacemaker's entire existence because you held hands and immediately forgetting, Disney sexual awakening and the hot lion from Lion King 2, fucking and fighting discussions,,, let's GO! Very written on my phone and posted at 2am, but hey, I still wanna know what you think.

Taglist: @16boyfriends-and-me @a-girl-who-loves-disney @amysuemc @generalfoolish @idkanymoreaboutlife @home-of-disaster @2guysonascooter @demure-doll @grippleback-galaxy @demeterl @specificpuppy @gay-cold-brew @siberianallen @evvilspawn @simping-4-jason-todd @hazzarights

Taglist is always open, feel free to message or comment to be added! xx

Murn's always given you these weird, wary looks for as long as you've known him. Yeah, everyone kind of looks at you like that when they find out what you can do, and its not like this ragtag group of vague Government rogues were the touchy-feely types, but it seemed like instead of staring into space, when Murn was idle he was watching you. He didn't even try and hide it now. It would be fine if you were actually doing something, but right now you're half falling asleep waiting for Harcourt and Adebayo to bring back Peacemaker and some much needed context.

"Are you telepathic?" You yawned, trying and failing to find a more comfortable seat in your desk chair. There's nothing much on your desk; you don't have many worldly possessions that you think would be appropriate. There's only a stack of textbooks on a variety of topics, which you're doing a very good job of looking anywhere but.

When you speak, breaking the silence, Economos looks up from his computer, first to you, then to Murn watching you like he's studying you. Murn let's the spill from one moment to the next, arms crossed carefully over his chest.

"The parameters of your powers are undefined," he says finally, words chosen with obvious care, like everything he said, "and while I am glad to have you on the team, your attitude is concerning; you're an unknown quantity, and I believe we have enough of those to deal with."

"Oh," as the realisation hits you, you can't help but grin from ear to ear, sitting a little straighter, "you think I'm a liability!" You lean forward in your seat, clutching at the table before you with glee, "you've heard all the stories, haven't you Murn? It's why you even let me on the team in the first place, isn't it? But now you've met me -!" It had been a long time since you'd met someone who knew you by reputation alone, you'd missed how good it felt to crush their expectations between your fingers, "- and you're thinking Oh God, I've made a terrible mistake, what if all the stories are wrong?! Or worse!" You gasp a dramatic breath for effect; there's mirth and delight dancing in your eyes. Economos looks deeply uncomfortable, "what if they're right?!"

Murn blinks slowly. His lack of answer is deafening.

Economos looks between the two of you, head turning back and forth like he's watching a very slow game of tennis. In this moment that stretches out, your challenging gaze not breaking from Murn's, Economos finally sighs and looks back at his computer.

"Don't do that," he says finally, and your good mood breaks, "either of you."

"What?" And you find your head tipping with confused intrigue; he flicks a glance at you out of the corner of his eye.

"You," he says very pointedly, "get all creepily excited like that," he mutters, before adding, mostly under his breath, though still audible in the quiet room, "Harcourt needs to walk you more. "

"Hey!" Despite your protest, you knew the puppy-joke was to be expected, especially from Economos or Harcourt herself.

"And Mister Murn, stop feeding The Chaser's ego."

"Excuse me?" Murn's tone was hard-edged, while you stuck out your tongue at Economos, which they both ignored.

"She gets off on being underestimated," Economos said flatly, continuing despite your attempted rejection of the allegation, "so I'll just tell you what Harcourt told me when I first ran comms for them; every single impressive story about them is true, sure," he rolled his eyes, and you sink back into your chair with a pout, "but to make room for all those kickass skill and knowledge that she gets whenever she picks something up, her head's gotta be empty in the interim."

It's an unfortunately apt way to sum up an outsider's perspective of you, and all you can being yourself to do is quietly sulk as you wait, until you doze off. At least Murn is satisfied with the explanation enough to stop watching you at every minute.

Only when there's shouting do you finally wake, bleary-eyed and barely aware, you're pretty sure Economos wants to know about Murn's bathroom habits. What?! Economos is never allowed to judge what you get excited about ever again, you decide.

This thought is interrupted, however, as Adebayo crashes through the front door practically oozing with adrenaline, recounting her night at a mile a minute as Harcourt and a wincing Peacemaker follow shortly behind her.

"Y/N, look alive, its showtime," Harcourt tells you sharply, and you groaned loudly.

"He looks fine, he'll be fine-" your half-hearted protest is ignored as Harcourt advises Peacemaker to show you wherever he's hurt. Peacemaker looks at you and your grimace with a flat kind of shock.

"Why?"

"Because the best doctor we have is Y/N holding that medical textbook," Harcourt is moving around the space, trying to find the first aid kit, "Y/N," she orders, "textbook."

"You're a doctor?" Peacemaker frowns at you with confusion, but is at least obligingly pulling off his shirt; already you can see some uncomfortably deep wounds on his torso, "that... actually that makes sense," he muses, and you pull off your gloves with a show of exasperation.

"I'm definitely not a doctor, why would that make sense?"

"You know too much," Peacemaker muses; his tone is surprisingly light given how he's struggling to pull off his brightly coloured shirt, "isn't that what you do?" And when he finally gets his shirt off, he huffs a bright sigh of relief, grinning despite being absolutely littered with wounds of varying severity. Your press your lips together in a tight line.

"John, can you be her extra hands if she needs them?" Harcourt asks firmly, to which Economos nods wearily. Thumping the first aid kit onto the table in front of you, Harcourt's expression reads don't fuck around without her saying a word when she meets your gaze. Murn calls she and Adebayo into the next room to debrief, and before she goes, Harcourt picks up the medical textbook from the top of the pile you'd been ignoring, smacking it into your chest pointedly. So finally you concede, and take the book with a faintly pained groan -

It's yours, you can feel your own nausea rising like a feedback loop because of this book, and every time you've ever touched it before, the hours spent pointedly untouched on the desk, being pulled out of a shipping box with gloved hands, the rattle-bump-darkness of being in a box in the back of Harcourt's car during the drive, each mission its been brought along and each time you've used it, the blood that's been splattered and wiped from the shiny cover, feeling the way your apprehension for the book builds in reverse with each time you touch it with your bare hands, the first and only time you've ever properly opened it when you flipped through it with curiosity when it arrived, being shipped and being stacked alongside hundreds of other identical copies in a warehouse before that, the machine precision of mass produced textbook manufacture, the short but detailed history of the printer's ink made on demand, the paper being processed and smooth from the carcases of logs hauled across the country and the whir of logging equipment and the sudden jarring stillness of the tree at the beginning of it all, a quiet life spent growing that seems to stretch back forever -

And every single page is imprinted from your mind into this book at once, every word you could recite with ease, every picture imprinted in high definition, diagrams labelled and it all makes complete and immediate sense to you, everything in the book now second nature, you could stitch a wound or identify any number of rashes or set a broken bone or understand exactly what an injury requires, as detailed in this thick, medical textbook -

Books always made you a little queasy, as did CDs, DVDs, and USB storage devices that weren't empty, but this textbook was especially graphic and overwhelming; touching it always felt like a punishment of sorts.

"Hey, are you okay?" Economos sounds suddenly concerned, while your eyes are pressed tightly shut, taking a few moments to accommodate all the new information in your head, "you don't look so good."

"I feel like I'm gonna be barf, just gimme a moment," you managed, trying to breath through the moment and tune out Peacemaker's sudden panic at the idea of you tending to his wounds, "shut up, I'll be fine!" You insisted.

Finally the phantom pressure in your head has eased and you crack your eyes open. Both Economos and Peacemaker and looking at you warily. After a beat, you manage to muster a bright smile, looking between them both.

"See, no need to stress; the doctor is in."

"What the fuck just happened?" Peacemaker demanded to know, "because last I heard you were some sort of decendant of Artemis or some shit -"

"What?!" You grin with confused delight.

"The Greek God of the hunt," he paused pointed and expression intensely demanding, "emphasis on hunt."

"Who told you that?!" Laughing, you don't seem deterred by Peacemaker's tone.

"Its a widely held belief!" He explodes with exasperated confusion, "you spent all of your time in fucking solitary, half the time people weren't even allowed to collect your laundry. I know you're a weapons expert and can find anyone, anywhere, and I can't think of any other prisoner inside Belle Reve who knows anything else."

"So you all decided to believe I'm decended from a God?!" This revelation even has you clutching the medical textbook to your chest like a delighted schoolgirl, rocking back on your heels.

"Can you reign in your ego for three seconds and do what you're on this mission for?" Economos sounds frankly exhausted, and you deflate a little, finally agreeing with a nod. As you examine Peacemaker's wounds thoroughly, at first without touching him, you explain your powers in detail, including your brief discomfort moments ago. Peacemaker's watching you with an expression like he's trying very hard to understand this all, but you leave him for the time being, raiding the medical supplies for anything you know you'll need to get him fixed up, before you stop suddenly.

You turn, voice firm but amicable; discussions of appropriate bedside manner vary from scenario to scenario throughout the textbook, and though they're brief mentions all at once, you're able to analyse, extrapolate, and apply them all at once.

"Chris, take a seat for me," and though his expression indicates he's surprised at your tone, he obliges immediately, "I'm going to take your hand to do a full assessment of your injuries, okay? If I could do this with my gloves on I would but-"

"Wait, do you mean -" Peacemaker's brow creased with immediate concern, "your selective, all-knowing shit, that- does that mean you'll know everything about me and my entire life if you touch me?"

"Yes," you say carefully, pulling a seat over to sit in front of him; his concern changes as he is clearly now uncomfortable with the situation, "but I'll forget literally all of it the moment I we're no longer in contact."

"Why can't Dye-Beard do it?" He nodded to Economos, who narrowed his eyes with contempt.

"Because fuck you; that's not my job, and I don't dye my beard," sitting back in his chair, Economos pointedly crossed his arms over his chest.

"How can I trust that's really how your powers work? How do I know you're not adding my life to the database you're building in your head of all information ever?" Squinting at you, there's something challenging in Peacemaker's eyes. Unexpectedly however, you choke on a startled laugh.

"If I had to live with everything I learned for everyone and everything I touched I definitely would have killed myself before now," the response is complete honest instinct, punctuated by that same, humourless laugh, but after a moment of genuine deliberation, Peacemaker visibly steels himself and offers his hand. Still, you give a warm, reassign smile to hide your own nerves.

Textbook in one hand, the other reaches out and takes Peacemaker's -

You see his life all at once, every memory he's ever made and every thought he's ever had, seeing even beyond his personal recollects, every single moment since his birth with perfect clarity and how his memories of events differ from his immense truth, all in high definition, his entire existence, his ideologies, the moments that shaped him and each sensation that he's ever experienced or is currently experiencing, all planted into your mind at once.

Every fuck, every fight, every secret he's sworn to take to the grave -

-there had been resistance as the debris pierced Rick Flag's chest but he pushes past the point of no return to save his own life and save the mission and the debris is so firmly lodged in Flag's heart that he can feel the debris move almost imperceptibly with it until he let's go, 'Peacemaker; what a joke' that will haunting more than any death rattle he's been responsible for -

- excitement he'd never admit to after being told he's a part of Taskforce X -

- the voice in the back of his head that spits that falling in love with any of the other inmates he fucks would be a sign of mental weakness and a betrayal of his personal ethics sounds a lot like his dad, so of course he throws the word his dad's always thrown at him with disgust at the twitchy, introverted technomancer with the beautiful, brown eyes, who Peacemaker's been fucking for almost a year, and feels safe enough to fall asleep next to after they fuck, likes well enough to sleep next to because he likes having him close, who he knows he'd defend, when the technomancer ruins it all when he realises how thoroughly Peacemaker's been lying to himself, in the process exposing his weakness which Peacemaker pounces upon rather than asmitting the truth, admitting to being just as weak, 'come on, Chris, I love you, obviously I fucking love you' Peacemaker's no stranger to lying to himself or others but its been a while since its come with guilt; this shame echoes in his father's voice louder than his own -

- what felt like eons of interrogations after his capture and being steadfast in denying any accomplices, lying through his teeth and acting confused when they mention rumours of another cape in his home town besides his dad, and the relief he felt but would never in his life admit to anyone, least of all Vigilante, when he it finally clicks that he's being asked about it because they know absolutely nothing -

- he fights beside Vigilante and finally feels like he's earning his title, even if their justice is a tad bit extreme --

"You..." half a second has passed, your hand on his, his entire existence echoing in your mind all at once. Swallowing hard as your mind catches on every time his father had blamed him for his brothers death, you try to focus on his immediate state and the fight he'd just encountered, "you know the Vigilante?" Is not what you had intended to say, but it escapes you nonetheless. Peacemaker gives you a sharp look, and you clear throat, "sorry, not important; for the record, your ankles are fucked, but not in a long-term way," you breathe deeply.

"I escaped the fifth floor leapfrogging my way down between balconies," Peacemaker says, before conceding for a moment, "which you probably know already."

"Judging by how you're feeling these wounds, they're gonna hurt like a bitch and need time to recover but none are actually that bad all things considered; from what we have on hand, I'll give you some ibuprofen for the pain and the swelling in your ankles, but I'll stick you with some local anaesthetic for the ones that need stitching up," looking to your medical bag, you considered for a long moment, "then it's just a quick job of cleaning and stitching those wounds up," you give a smile, but Peacemaker's still looking at you like he's waiting for you to react with what you now know about him. With a cheery smile, you request Economos fetch everything you need from the medical bag before turning back.

"Okay, gimme a moment, I'm just going to save everything I'll need to fix you up -"

"Save?"

"From the textbook," reading the concern in Peacemaker's mind as it continues to grow, you elaborate, "I'm literally only cataloguing the information that's relevant to this exact situation so I can have my hand free, and I won't have to carry all that excess information in my head."

"You c-" but you catch the question before it's even fully left his mind.

"I can do that, but I will give it back after; I'm not keeping any of your memories, I don't know you well enough to," you make an apologetic expression for a moment, "care." To your grateful surprise, Peacemaker finally decides to drop his concern about the whole situation; he believes that if you were going to judge him you would have already. The tense set of his shoulder eases.

"That freaks me out," Economos looks a little nauseous as he hands over the supplies you requested and takes the textbook off your hands.

"Which part?" While unfortunately you've been left with several pictures of open, half stitched, and closed wounds at the forefront of your mind, considering you no longer had to see the other ninety-five percent of the images in the textbook all at once, and the text you've saved is comprehensive, and wound care isn't exactly new for you anyways, you find yourself feeling lighter than air, "the textbook?"

"No," Economos stacks the textbook on top of all your others, tone thoughtful, "no that I understand, you know that makes sense, I just can't wrap my head around what it means when you touch a person; their whole existence all at once, how the fuck can you understand that immediately?"

Letting go of Peacemaker's hand in order to prepare your equipment, your head suddenly echoes with the textbook's directions and your own thoughts.

"I wish I knew," came your distracted response as you quickly donned the pair of medical gloves before touching anything else, "can you grab some water so Chris can take this ibuprofen?" You began to draw anaesthetic into a syringe as Economos obligingly heads to the building's kitchenette.

"Was it like an action movie?" Peacemaker's curious and strangely bright tone breaks your concentration where you're trying to flick the bubbles from the medication.

"What?" You deadpan with confusion, "your- your existence?"

"I've done some cool shit, was seeing all of that like watching an action movie?" He's wearing this little, weirdly hopeful smile as he considers the prospect for himself.

"I don't remember," you answered honestly after a beat to consider, to which he frowned.

"You really don't... you weren't kidding about losing everything if we break contact?"

"I remember my memories of the event," you shrugged, "but they're completely mundane after contact; we held hands, I made a comment about you knowing Vigilante but cannot for the life of me remember what prompted that, and I explained exactly how I'm going to fix you up, I only know why I said what I said in that regards because thats still up here," you tap at your temple. In the moments that follow, Peacemaker grants you silence in which to inject part of the anaesthetic into the first stab wound you intended to focus on.

"I'd appreciate it if you tried to keep my whole 'knowing Vigilante' situation under wraps," he asked, far quieter than before. In the kitchenette, you can hear Economos banging around in the cupboards and defeatedly swearing.

"So it's true?"

"You're the one who said it?" Immediately Peacemaker was baffled, while you sat back and soaked a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol.

"Yeah but I also saw your entire existence at once; it wouldn't have been the first time I've connected obscure dots in someone's life and extrapolated and -"

"That's fucking terrifying, and yes, it's true," he admitted. Finally you can hear the tap running. You take the stringe once more, gently prodding by the hopefully numb wound.

"Can you feel that?" You ask, and when Peacemaker shakes his head you begin to carefully swab the wound, speaking up after you've finished and are threading the needle, "he's the guy who kills criminals, right?" You ask, and Peacemaker nods, looking at his hands.

"Whenever I was in town, we both were; we were the justice the government was too much of a pussy to execute."

"How noble," its a neutral comment, said distractedly as you lean in and carefully begin to stitch his wound closed. They aren't the neatest stitches, but having machine-like precision while holding the needle wasn't worth the risk of your bare hand touching Peacemaker.

"Its funny, actually," tone lightening, he even manages to huff a bemused laugh, "we knew about you," it takes a moment for you to fully process this, but he's started talking again before you can properly react, "yeah, we had like, this dream hit-list -"

"Did going to prison blindside you or did you see it coming like everyone else around you probably did?" You ask with a wry kind of amusement, pausing your work for a moment to let your words sink in. Peacemaker rolled his eyes at that.

"It was a hit-list for good, better than some pussy cotary of supervillains," he huffed, "we were trying to enact real justice, not just play catch and release with murderers and a corrupt system."

"Actually," you consider for a moment, "that's solid logic," and you get back to the task at hand, tone turning teasing as you added, "was I ever on your dream hit-list?"

"Yeah..." but it came out surprisingly non-committal, which had you raising your eyebrows; as Peacemaker elaborates without prompting, you secure the final stitch, and set about numbing the second wound, "but like, kind of in the same way every guy our age - every guy who's into chicks -" he amends, "will list The Little Mermaid as part of their sexual awakening - did you see that, by the way?" He asks, and you squeeze your eyes shut.

"I don't know if you're referring to the movie in a general sense, or the moment you realised you want to fuck Ariel, or possibly even when you understood that you could feel that way about other girls, but yes I would have seen it, no I don't remember it, and I wish I could go back thirty seconds and never have this conversation," you wheezed, face in your hands. However, as you surfaced, you're expression reads as both exasperated and amused, and you begin to clean the wound.

"So you wanted to kill me the way you wanted to fuck Ariel," you prompted after a moment.

"Yeah, like more because you're a villain and it felt like what I was supposed to do; sure I enjoyed the thought of it but I'd never consider you nemesis material."

"But Vigilante felt a more personal hatred to me, the villain he's never met?" You snickered.

"Oh dude, you were like his hot-lion-from-the-second-Lion-King-movie sexual awakening -" Peacemaker laughs brightly, and you're glad to match his energy with a grin.

"Kovu?"

You immediately go still, both sitting in this moment where you're both kind of ashamed to be on the same page.

"He acted like it was a full blood fued, always seemed so personally invested in taking you down; he was beside himself when you were caught and they threw you in Belle Reve," Peacemaker chuckles a little awkwardly, before adding, "but still, any time I asked if he thought he could take you in hand to hand combat he'd end up getting hard."

"Don't be gross, you guys used to fantasise about murdering me, I'm not flattered," you told him shortly. Pausing, you realise it's been a while since Economos had gone to get water, though when you look up you see him in the next room with the other three team members in quiet discussion. Clearing your throat, you find yourself sitting back and waiting for the anaesthetic to take effect again; "so was it a power fantasy thing, or do you think murder and fucking were two separate, conflicting desires?"

"Probably a bit of both," Peacemaker doesn't even have to think to answer, and the tension breaks when you can't help but laugh.

The four in the next room look sharply through the window that separates your groups, both wheezing with laughter, even as the movements aggravate Peacemaker's stitches and he's wincing between breaths. You'll fix him up without complaint, and the day will continue whether you want it to or not, but this one moment is unfamiliar in a way that stings retroactively, that you miss despite never having had. There had been hesitation, of course, there's always hesitation about your powers, but you had not been grandstanding and he had decided to trust your word...

It had been a very long time since you had felt like someone saw you as an actual equal.

[warning-fandom-obsessed]

Isaks ranked by how much of a dumbass they were during their season

1. Isak

Mostly just ignorant, but when he’s a dumbass whooooweeee his dumbassery goes hard. Thought being a homophobe would stop people thinking he’s gay. Took an ‘Are You Gay?’ quiz and took it seriously enough to be confused by the results when it said he wasn’t gay. Genuinely believed that Sana wouldn’t notice if he just fucked off during the kossegruppa meeting. Believed that they weren’t breaking and entering during the pool scene even though Even is terrible at lying and they straight up came in through the window. “I like boys and I don’t like girls BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GAY”.

2. Lucas

Strictly speaking, he’s more of a bitch than a dumbass, but more often than not the two go hand in hand. Was so proud of himself for guessing that the girls were planning a party even though they made it super obvious. Not only was homophobic to cover up his sexuality but added a spicy lil bit of sexist language to it to really make him seem like a hetero douche. Didn’t see anything wrong with straight up telling Chloé he loved her and was surprised when she was fucking mad at him for stringing her along. Different kind of dumbassery but still counts: the fucking ham. 

3. Matteo

Definition of a Tired Dumbass. Didn’t make any effort to even seem into Sara. Even when they were kissing surrounded by their peers he looked like he’d rather be making out with a fish. He didn’t!!!! fucking!!!! say anything when David came out to him!!!! not even a lil “sorry i don’t know but about being trans but i support you anyway”!!! like!!!! boy!!!!! Forgot his dealer’s password and just apologised like he forgot the password to his friend’s treehouse. The beefcake scene... just peak dumbassery. Froze like a deer in headlights when Mia caught him eating Hans’s wurst. Would rather risk an actual fine than walk all of the way home. Straight up nearly happy-cried because it turned out David didn’t actually have a girlfriend.

4. Robbe

Robbe is functional.... mostly, but his ignorance and internalised homophobia lead to some fine displays of dumbassery. Screenshotted that one pic of Sander and Britt and just cropped out Britt as though that would make it look like she wasn’t there at all. Lied about leaving his phone at home so he wouldn’t have to personally message Noor after their fight. Gay panicked so hard that the internalised homophobia reared its ugly head and he started spewing hatespeech at his crush. DROPPED THE FUCKING CROISSANTS ON THE FLOOR. Decided that kissing Sander for a few extra seconds was worth falling off the bed instead of waiting two seconds for the poor guy to get his stupid shoes off. Tried to have sex with Noor with David Bowie in the background as though thinking about Sander would negate the fact that he has no interest in sleeping with her. Great I made myself sad thinking about that. 

5. Martino

Not your typical Skam dumbass but so many off his scenes (especially with the Contrabbandieri) just radiate dumbass energy. The scene where the boys are helping him text Nicco just look at his fucking face i can’t. Trusted Maddalena’s three months in medical school more than Nicco and genuinely believed that he didn’t love him even after the red string scene and Bracciano. The scene with the Contrabbandieri in Spera’s office. Thought that telling Emma that she looks like a frog was a valid method of flirting. To be fair to him, though, it worked.

6. Cris

Surprisingly not that much of a dumbass, but, of course, the bar of dumbassery in this list is high, so there’s plenty of dumbassery in her season whether I remember all of it or not. Froze like a Matteo-Caught-Eating-Han’s-Wurst In Headlights when Jonana put her hand on her chest. Wasn’t into that guy (i don’t remember his name) but slept with him anyway to get her mind off Joana even though it obviously didn’t work. To be honest, Cris isn’t so much a dumbass as she is just trying her best.

[oswald-privileges]

ALL RIGHT BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

Power of Three as a series is just. full of weaknesses, most of which come down to poor continuity and structure. I'm not gonna try and fix ALL of those, bc that'd be laborious as hell, but I will pick out things that I feel are the most egregious as case studies.

What Po3 does have, tho, is an absolutely shining strength in the concept of its three main characters. After twelve books of Blandly Heroic Protagonist Syndrome, Jayfeather is an absolute godsend. He's angry! He's rude! He's unhappy! He's not nice. I Love Him And He's My Son. Lionblaze has his invincible pride (hah) and emergent bloodlust, and Hollyleaf has her moral absolutism and certainty. These are good starting points for characters. Sadly, the lack of continuity undermines what could have been three really good character arcs.

So! I present to you:

HOW TO MAKE "WARRIORS: THE POWER OF THREE" NOT COMPLETELY SUCK ACCORDING TO MY PERSONAL TASTE; A NON-EXHAUSTIVE, NON-CONSECUTIVE LIST BY ME

ONE

- Have there be a persistant, overarching series threat. Sol is a character with amazing villain potential who does literally nothing except hang around, and do exactly 2 Bad Things completely off-screen. This Is Not Good.

- Instead, have him be present from the second book onwards- initially introduced as a friendly but enigmatic outsider who is slowly revealed across the series to be a complete black hole of a personality, a social parasite quietly rearranging whatever community he's a part of to just-so-happen to benefit him as much as humanly possible. His "preach individualism not starclan" methods are not so much values as one strategy out of many. (to those who know me- yes i have a type. no i will not apologise.)

- Maybe his ultimate goal is to dissolve and centralise the clans or something so that he can live out his life as a political puppetmaster in all the cat-luxury he likes. idk it's hard to imagine overall stakes for this rewrite BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL DOESN'T HAVE ANY

TWO

- For gods sake you don't have a series based on the premise of "the main characters develop super powers" and then only have the second power confirmed by the end of the fourth book. I understand the first book mostly focusing on Jayfeather- his powers are obvious from the start, he's got the strongest personality of the three, he gets access to most of the prophecy plot stuff because of them. But you NEED to have the other two show an interest in something concrete happening to them beyond that, and you need to at least hint towards the other two having something unique to them even if nobody clocks it yet.

- Have Jayfeather tell his siblings about the prophecy by the end of book two at the latest. The amount of time he spends noodling around not sharing it with them is inexcusable. It's not that it's out of character for him to hang onto a secret for a bit, it's just that there's no point and it slows everything down. It would be equally in character for him to go to his siblings and be like "look, i'm SPECIAL. well you as well but ALSO ME". Boy starts off as desperate for recognition, what can I say

THREE

- Have Jayfeather discover that StarClan don't withhold signs or information on purpose for the sake of "building courage and faith" or whatever nonsense. Seeing and communicating the future is metaphysically very difficult, so interpreting signs and messages is a genuine skill, or even an art. The cats of StarClan, however, really are just ghosts, much more similar to living cats than the currently living believe. This is the impotus for Jayfeather's discarding of his reverence for StarClan, which remains consistent throughout the series.

- Have Hollyleaf and Jayfeather both still change their cat careers in the first book, but put place more attention on the fact that they basically switched jobs. Have a scene where they end up yelling at each other, because can't the other see how lucky they have it? The tension breaks when they realise they've both lost something important to them- Jayfeather his chance to prove he's as capable as a sighted cat, and Hollyleaf her path to helping her clan in the way she thinks is best. They commiserate together, and reluctantly promise to do the best they can with their lots, so they don't waste the path the other wishes they'd taken. This closeness is eroded over the series as they disagree more and more on the subject of StarClan and its role in their moral choices and obligations.

FOUR

- Speaking of Hollyleaf! I nearly threw my phone across the room when the first Omen of the Stars book claimed that Hollyleaf "worked so hard to discover her power to help her clan". Where, Ms Erins??? I would have LOVED to have seen that!! Hollyleaf expresses absolutely no concern over the details of what power she has/will develop, and only has a couple of scenes even touching on her ambitions to help her clan. She has some vague ideas about becoming leader and like one scene where she gets to do some leadery things, but that never gets followed up on. What does happen is that the whole "warrior code" thing becomes more and more a part of her personality (for no clear reason) until she snaps.

- Hollyleaf going off the deep end is something I wanted so badly to get into and be moved by, because I could see where it comes from! Her moral certainty is fascinating, especially since it's based in something as abstract as the warrior code- which, when you think about it, isn't really... anything. There's no concrete set of rules that make it up, no traditional wording or cat philosophers, not even any fables. It's a handful of agreed-upon, common sense rules- don't cross boundaries, don't take prey that isn't yours, respect your ancestors, and don't murder. That's it!

- So, combining the above points, I think Hollyleaf not being one of the Three should stay, but both the audience and the characters are given good reason to believe she is. By around the third volume, make it so that Hollyleaf has found that her power is to get cats to "Do The Right Thing"- i.e. what she wants them to do. She sneaks off often to see Sol, who teachs her how to use this power. Her siblings are concerned about this new power, having already gotten a glimpse at what Sol can do, but she's confident that she can only use this power for good. Volume-specific plot happens, Sol manipulates her into causing him to win, she is shocked and horrified, and vows to stick ridgedly to what she knows is right i.e. The Warrior Code

- However, the more fervently she tries to stick to this abstract idea, the less it gives her results, the more her power seems to be failing. Believing that StarClan is taking her power away from her, she becomes caught up in a faith-guilt spiral that puts her in the position to snap at the end of the series. By that point it's clear to her siblings that Hollyleaf has no power- she was just very, very good at persuading people to do what she wanted.

FIVE

- Lionblaze is a girl now because I Said So. This Cat Is Trans And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

- Her relationship with Heathertail stays the same- childhood sweethearts who are torn apart as they begin to understand the nature of the societal divides that exist between them.

- This can be used to contextualise the whole "half clan/outsider blood" thing as a cultural contradiction. In reality, inter- and outer- clan relationships aren't at all rare. They can't be, otherwise the whole society would be inbred out of existence in like five generations. But if at least one society of humans can spend a good 200 years pretending Sex Is Bad And Sinful Actually then cats can have persistant cat-racism in the face of all logic. Heathertail clocks this contradiction, Lionblaze doesn't.

- Her relationship-to-power arc doesn't need changing all that much either, other than starting much sooner and being more consistent. At first, she's completely overjoyed by her power, since unlike her siblings, it lines up so well with her ambition- become the finest warrior any of the clans have to offer. As the berserker rage aspect becomes more prevelent, she becomes more and more disturbed by the fact that she isn't disturbed by what she can do, and that she doesn't want the escalation of her power to stop.

- Tigerstar still does his thing, but Brambleclaw knows about it. He recognises the signs from when his father used to visit him, and tries to train Lionblaze in his own way. She ends up caught between wanting to be a good warrior, and testing the limits of her power.

SIX

- Jayfeather can stay basically the same because he's my perfect little angy boy and nothing needs to change. His arcs can be strengthened by having a more robust relationship with Yellowfang where they try to out-bitch each other, and coming to terms with his internalised ablism. Maybe he has a chat with Mothwing about faith a couple of times. Him furiously lashing out at being offered help transitions into an acceptence and understanding of his abilities more naturally. He never stops being A Grumpy Old Man.

- All fucking past-lives unexplained time travel goes in the BIN. Doesn't fucking happen. You can have that lore dump sprinkled across the books, or come from going deep into the tunnels and having a surreal meeting. Make it properly eldritch-level scary, shake Jayfeather's confidence in the idea of them being just a bunch of ghosts.

SEVEN

- Have the way Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight present very clearly as parents to the Three be explicitly, textually unusual. One of the things I liked so much about the first series was an almost total lack of emphasis on who was mated with who, and who was related or not. It felt very real to how feral cat colonies form, where raising kittens is a communal job. This gets completely dropped the moment series 2 starts and now the cats have monogamy.

- This emphasis on the family unit and fostering close relationships between parents and kittens is deliberate on the part of both Leafpool and Squirrelflight. Their aim is to cover for Leafpool so she doesn't lose her role as medicine cat- something she already gave up Crowfeather for before she was pregnant.

- In that little bit of backstory, have a robust reason for both Leafpool and Squirrelflight to leave the camp while Leafpool is pregnant and giving birth, possibly one that ties into the present day story in some minor way. I don't know how, it would just make that element of the story a lot more ground than "we left, the kits were born, then we came back and everyone was cool with it"

- When it comes to the "I am Not your mother" reveal, Jayfeather and Lionblaze are confused and hurt that they were lied to, but come to the reasonable conclusion that well, since they were raised mostly by Squirrelflight, saw Leafpool often, and are loved by both, they don't hate her. Lionblaze has something of a crisis over being half-clan, possibly initiating an attempted reunion with Heathertail. Jayfeather is more concerned with how other cats will think it makes him lesser, something he's still sensitive too.

- Hollyleaf, meanwhile, completely fucking snaps at the way her mother Violated Part Of The Code. It's a completely irrational reaction, but expected because she's been growing more and more reliant on The Code for the whole series, and less and less stable in her attempts to aid her clan and train to be its new leader.

- Squirrelflight is the one to murder Ashfur. This is easy to work out while reading- she's literally the only one of the four with a motive who isn't a perspective character. The mystery is less around finding out who did it, and more about why she did it (it's very ambiguous as to whether it was an accident or not). The main tension comes from who finds out when.

- Lionblaze is shocked, awed by how far she'd go to protect the three of them, and reassures her she did the right thing (as a way to salve her own uncertainty over her own longing for violence). Jayfeather makes it all about himself because he's Jayfeather- upset that he didn't know immediately, instead of, you know, figuring it out in a few hours because he can basically read minds. They try their best to hide it from Hollyleaf, who is already rattling around the final volume as a full-on antagonist, but are unsuccessful. This almost costs them something incredibly important- possibly Squirrelflight's life.

EIGHT

- the whole plot with the Tribe Of Rushing Water is a MASSIVE can of worms that could be removed from the series without issue. As it is:

- Characterize the Tribe as uncertain of how to fight other cats, because yes, they haven't had to do this before. DON'T characterise them as pathetic, doing whatever their leader says without thinking, and with ancestors who have Given Up

- Have some of the Tribe be really good at the violence. Worryingly good. Have others be sickened by what they're being asked to do.

- Have some of the clan cats reflect on what they've done. Hollyleaf would be all for introducing this society to jesus The Code, but even she might be horrified at being thanked by a tribe cat who can't wait to get out there and win themselves glory, only to be killed a few hours later

- The Tribe begin a new tradition of marking the walls in the mud they use as camoflage in order to commemorate their battles, and memorialise the fallen. One of the characters reflects on the fact that in a generation or two, the Tribe will feel like it's always been this way. How many of their own traditions- those that feel almost like natural law- started out the same way?

- Have Sol as the leader of the invaders, or maybe having insinuated himself into the tribe as a "mediator" and doing his charismatic cult leader thing.

NINE

- Cinderheart isn't a reincarnation of Cinderpelt. She's just named after her bc Cinderpelt saved her mother from a badger. this is because I think the reincanation thing is stupid and I can't think of a way to make it good.

TEN

- No more using tails as hand gestures like covering people's mouths. Never. None of it. It's expunged from existence.

Disclaimer: I haven't read Omen of the Stars yet, so I can't account for anything that might happen in that series that's grounded in Po3. I'm like... two thirds of the way through the first volume. I'm Not Impressed.

[zeta-in-de-walls]

I've seen a couple of posts about c!tommy that are saying that his arc is getting bad because he doesn't really heal and it's just more trauma. Imo, I do feel like he is learning to move on from the trauma and grow and that his arc is actually getting better, but I wanted to know your opinion on this! :D

Hey, cheers for the ask! I won’t lie, I’m a huge fan of Tommy and his arc seriously appeals to me so I totally don’t think it’s getting bad at all! Heh, this turned out long - is it clear how much I love discussing his character arc?

That said, it does run the risk of having too much suffering with not enough relief. It’s hard to see this character, who’s awesome and trying to be good and get better get continually beaten down by the narrative. It’s why Doomsday was so painful. We want to see him prevail, spreading great messages about how perseverance is worth it, that you can escape your abusers, you can heal and that there is hope for you. It’s a great and encouraging sort of story and so we don’t want excessive suffering. I don’t believe its gone too far myself, while bad things continue to happen, I don’t get the impression that its a bleak world and that Tommy won’t find happiness. It is a worry though, especially with how dark the prison visit was. And people who have less of a threshold for angsty story lines than me might already feel like its too much.

But yeah, outside of the worry of his storyline itself becoming too bleak, I never got the impression that his character arc was bad. Yes, he has lots of trauma. Yes he’s also had tons of development. They’re not mutually exclusive! 

If anything, I love seeing Tommy’s development through the suffering. To compare his exile with the prison arc, you can see how much better Tommy has learned to handle things. After some time in exile, he began to see Dream as his friend and believed everyone else no longer cared about him where Tommy never let himself trust Dream for a moment during his prison stay and upon getting out was way better about opening up to people. like he sees Tubbo and Ranboo and feels like he’s been replaced but avoids lashing out about it and a day later talks to them both about his worries and Tubbo tells him he’s being ridiculous and that of course he’s not being replaced. And writes a cry for help in Puffy’s therapy office and is overjoyed when she responds offering him help and support. Even with Jack, he was so clearly wishing to avoid an argument, he hadn’t been looking to antagonise him but had wanted to see his old friend be happy to see him. 

Tommy’s a character who gets hurt a lot by people he trusts and he has dark moments but its so good seeing him continue to care about things and open up to others. And its also fascinating to see the effects all the trauma has had on him, like how he’s afraid of caring about things as he fears Dream will destroy the things he loves. How he seems afraid to be himself at times, because he’s somewhat internalised the idea that people don’t like him being himself eg how afraid he was to build a tower out of his favourite blocks and how odd he acts about stealing. Him not wanting to destroy the egg because he’s afraid of being the cause of another war. How he wants to make amends with others like Techno, such as sending him a hotel invitation rather than holding a grudge once more.

Tommy has had such an interesting mixture of responses to trauma and each new traumatic incident affects him in a different way. Like his response to Henry’s death being to focus his emotions on being angry at Dream. Sam’s failure to protect him from Dream being to want to find a new warden for the prison because he can’t trust Sam to do his job anymore. 

Tommy wanting to destroy the knowledge of revival because he feels no one should ever possess that sort of power. Tommy’s thoughts on power are super-interesting as he’s been a victim in a game of powerful figures and yet doesn’t really seek power for himself, rather believing that no person should have power over another. Tommy doesn’t even want to seem powerful, hiding away his resources rather than flaunting them. Tommy is one of those characters who has never been powerful in his own right - his strength having always come from drawing on others. It’s fitting therefore that he has such a fear of loneliness and others not caring about him. It’s a great strength and flaw, his longing for inclusion. And absolutely devastating how in his exile he developed such a lack of self-worth. 

Tommy’s trauma has brought out some of his worse traits - the way he can lash out at others, the darker more jealous side to his clingyness, the way he can be driven by emotions and fixates on certain goals - but we’ve also seen him dealing with them in interesting ways. 

I remember seeing a post saying something like, ‘Tommy has trauma instead of character development’ and I responded something along the lines of how Tommy has character development in spite of his trauma. I stand by that but also, I hate the way it implies that Tommy’s character arc is invalidated because it involves trauma. Like it’s not just angst, there’s so much to dig into, and some interesting character traits have been shown and revealed with Trauma and explored in an interesting way. Not all of it is positive - trauma is bad for a person and Tommy’s arc has made that clear. But there’s so much interesting stuff being shown that simplifying it to trauma is so reductive. 

There’s trauma and suffering for sure, but that's not all it is and it fails to mention what an awesome job Tommy’s done of portraying the trauma and how it impacts his character. He doesn’t hold back on showing his character’s struggle but also makes it clear that it’s still Tommy, he’s still a funny guy who is looking for fun and has a host of problems but is far more than merely his bad experiences. It’s impacted him, but it’s far from all he is and all that motivates his character.

[katatonicimpression]

Monet and Other Women

Speaking of ooc moments, there's another post-Generation X early appearance for Monet that I want to talk about.

Monet appears briefly in Uncanny X-Men 410-12 and the writers seem to just really hate her. She's here to be a bitch to Stacy, inexplicably fall out of a plane (she can fly ffs), and then wordlessly disappear from the page at some point. It's a really strange and hostile read and part of a pattern in Monet's writing where she gets unflatteringly compared to other women for no good reason (some good Bobby moments tho). But something about her comments towards Stacy really bothered me.

I'm pretty sure this is the only time Monet expresses an opinion on sex work, so I can't say that it directly contradicts how she's usually written, but it doesn't fit well with her usual characterisation. At this point in canon, Monet hasn't been written as particularly sex-positive. In fact, she's been kind of prudish (I know, it's whack. I'll get to it in another post) but someone being a bit prudish is a long way away from slut-shaming, so what gives?

In general, Monet is really not the kind of bitch who puts other women down to make herself feel better. She's bitchy to women, sure, but she doesn't target them specifically and there's no indication that she has any of that internalised misogyny that informs slut-shaming.

Also, it's very unusual to see Monet instigate drama like this. Escalate? Sure. But she doesn't usually start shit.

So, as well as officially declaring this exchange ooc (bangs gavel), I'm going to devote this post to a few aspects of Monet's attitude towards women.

The obvious place to start is with X-Factor (2006) #14, where we get the exact opposite message. Monet and Siryn have found out that they've both been sleeping with one of Jamie's dupes. Butterfly tells them to get over themselves and it's Monet who offers an olive branch, choosing to form a better friendship with Siryn over feuding with her. Instead of seeing their sexual histories as a reason to fight, it's a jumping off point for them to bond. It's a much healthier exchange and, in my view, much more like Monet.

Secondly, Monet likes women. No, not like that (although her relationships with both Jubilee and Karima have some vibes). Just, in general, she likes women.

Generally, Monet gets on better with women than men. She hits it off with Karima, Trinary and Selene straight away. She always seemed closer with the girls of gen x than the lads. She's close with Siryn in X-Factor. She's shown to adore the rest of the squad in X-Men (2013). Her friendship with Jubilee is arguably her only lasting relationship. Yes, she clashes with Emma, but Emma is the one to instigate that shit. Hell, literal "sisterhood" is a massive theme with her character, with her relationships with Nicole, Claudette and Penance being crucial to her story.

Her friendship with Jamie is the only other non-familial, non-jubilee relationship of hers that recurrs prominently across different series and its not exactly exuding warmth. Hell, with Warren, she straight up says she doesn't think they'll like each other for much longer.

This isn't a profound point or anything, just to say that Monet gets on with other women, better than she does with men, and the catfighting with Stacy seems super ooc for that reason.

Finally, I wanted to mention this little bit in x-corp.

This is Monet being cynical about corporate feminism. She recognises the tendency to separate women off from the men under the guise of being about empowerment while actually preserving the boys club. But at the same time, she's not doing the "lean in" thing either. She's not saying that women should be girl bosses and play the same game as men, rather that the game itself should change.

Idk it's just a surprisingly nuanced take for a comic book and I think it makes sense coming from Monet. She's smart, and sensitive to how she's perceived by others. It makes sense that she'd have thought about this.

She's hardly the only female comic book character to get saddled with random ooc catfighting (because women all hate each other amirite?) but Monet is noteworthy for how much she doesn't fit that mold. She's all about the sisterhood, without it feeling forced, and she had a bunch of interesting feminist moments that, again, come about organically with her character.

Food for thought, that's all.

--------------------------------

Bullying

Relationships

Faith

Morality

[cybernaght]

Guardian rewatch: episode 6

Episode 6 jumps us into the case of a disappearing woman, Zhou Weiwei, with the SID team being on the scene, taking the unofficial statement of her fiancé, Ji Xiaobai. While in terms of the actual investigation this case is even thinner than usual, thematically its juicy. It’s musing on the self, and how the self is defined in the eyes of the others; it actually has a grown-up real life take on an unhappy love story, and it can even be read as having pro-immigration connotations. This episode is telling the viewer that one is not entitled to nice things because they are a human from the human world, and there is no sin in wishing to take a chance to move somewhere you can see the sun. 

From the very first scene, Zhao Yunlan, who always has been shown as hands-on with the investigation, removes himself from Xiaobai’s flat, claiming that he has to speak to someone. It’s obvious who that someone is; and we see that our Chief is starting to rely on Shen Wei as his consultant way before he ever offers him that job. There is no reason for Yunlan to seek the other man’s help; and yet, he will end up solving with Shen Wei by his side, and purely through Shen Wei’s ample advice. 

Left with the worried, grieving fiancé of the missing Weiwei, Guo Chancheng suggests they take a stroll to calm down emotions, bringing himself, the man in question, and Chu Shizhu to his favourite place. He is, once again, being the sweetest, most lovely and considerate human being on this planet; and Chu Shizhu is starting to take his lead, listening, being a calming presence - even going as far as to softly offering Ji Xiaobai a beer. 

Hearing the sounds of a magpie, harbinger of good fortune, Guo Changcheng becomes animated, dragging Xiobai up to make a wish out loud. Xiaobai, predictably, wishes for his beloved to come back home, and Xiao Guo gladly repeats this wish, strengthens it with his will. This is where he is in his element: making people better, giving people hope, using his massive heart to help those around him. Guo Changcheng truly is too precious for words.

“Kid. You never make wishes for yourself?”

“I do. When everyone is happy, I am happy as well.”

We see Guo Changcheng’s simple, pure altruism resonating deep within Chu Shizhu, reminding him of his little brother that he lost. Well, I say “little” metaphorically, as the two are twins. That’s right, Guardian has two sets of twins, probably because it does not want to waste its extremely capable main cast. I’m not mad at it. 

Later that day, Shen Wei is conversing with a flower Yashou conveniently living on campus. I think she has a name, but I have a habit of calling her Bush Woman, because it’s what she is. 

She is animated poorly, but at least she is animated at all: there will be a scene later in the series, in which she is played by a bush, being shaken enthusiastically below the shot. The actual conversation is about a person Shen Wei is looking for: he has received a tip from Butler Wu in the previous episode that one of commanders in the Underworld army had a child. Hoping that that child could give him a clue at to where the next of the Hallows is stored, Shen Wei is now looking for them. Naturally, the child in question is also the missing woman in question, but Shen Wei does not know that yet. 

Their conversation is interrupted by Zhao Yunlan being sited on the bike heading towards the university. In the next scene, Zhao Yunlan is shifting uncomfortably at Shen Wei’s office door. Presumably, he has knocked, heard no response, and is just about to give up and go home. This is the moment Shen Wei opens the door from inside, greeting him. Did he teleport into his office so he could talk to Yunlan? Yes, yes he did. 

Despite being more than capable of deducing stuff on his own, Chief Zhao brings in the pictures of the disappeared Weiwei to Shen Wei to analyse for clues. We know that Shen Wei is aware that there is no actual legitimate reason for Zhao Yunlan to seek out his help - because Shen Wei states as much, in the nicest way possible. Zhao Yunlan does not actually have a satisfying answer to that, and his response is mostly boiled down to shameless flirting. 

And also doing throughly shameless things to a lollipop while maintaining eye contact the whole time. Because why not give our protagonist in the show about brotherhood the most homoerotic character quirk he could possibly have, right? 

As Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei continue discussing the case, it becomes more and more clear that they work together marvellously, going as far as finishing each other’s sentences. The body language also suggests that they are very comfortable in each other’s company.

Yunlan, who a few episodes ago would rather sleuth himself than ask people for clues, listens to the advise Shen Wei gives him, internalises it, and eventually uses it to solve this case. Scratch that, actually - he accepts it when Shen Wei pretty much solves the case for him. 

Following Shen Wei’s words to the letter, Zhao Yunlan opens the portal into the magic dimension and discovers that there are, in fact, two Weiweis. The woman from the mirror - an Undergrounder, who left to live a normal life, and a human, who hid because she could not stand being unpopular, and now returned out of jealousy for her mirror counterpart’s perfect life. 

It’s very hard to not sympathise with the mirror!Weiwei over the human one. All the former wanted was to live, and to love, and to be happy. All the later wants is to have all that without putting in any effort. Human!Weiwei does not truly understand that it takes more than taking to have a relationship, and there is nothing that would allow her to be entitled to happiness that she did not herself create. 

Instead, she calls mirror!Wewei a monster, and the later snaps, creating a whirlwind of energy which threatens to destroy everyone in the mirror with her. 

Unfortunately for her, one of the people she is threatening to kill is Zhao Yunlan, and we know how Hei Pao Shi feels about Zhao Yunlan’s life being threatened. This man, who does have a soft, squishy heart, and has previously allowed murderous Wang Yike to stay with her lover, all but snarls at mirror!Weiwei as he captures her. 

The show treats hers and Xiaobai’s farewell as a true tragedy; it’s genuinely heartbreaking to see them cry, as we are shown flashback of their relationship.

In the past couple of episodes, we have witnessed a huge shift in Shen Wei. He may have been determined to detach himself and march onwards alone a short while ago, but he has also seen the SID being full of kind, righteous individuals; he has been begged to save an Undergrounder’s life; he has been asked for friendly support and advice by Zhao Yunlan, and so he, perhaps unwittingly, allows his Hei Pao Shi persona to soften. As he takes mirror!Weiwei away, he stops to have a little tiny heart to heart with Yunlan, saying that identity of a person lies in their heart rather than what or who they are physically. This is a very Shen Wei thing to say, actually, but it will be a while before Yunlan figures that one thing out. Two things on this scene:

One. The mask really does hide Zhu Yilong’s most prominent features pretty well, and to help the viewer understand how he could have been hiding his identity successfully for what could be months, the camera more often than not shoots Hei Pao Shi from a lower angle, and Shen Wei from the higher angle, or dead on, subtly reshaping the jaw line. It’s clever; as is often often the case with the camera work in this show. 

Two. Isn’t it a little bit amusing how this ancient godlike being needs to fill in the paperwork in line of his duty?

As with Shen Wei’s advice earlier on, Zhao Yunlan takes Hei Pao Shi’s one to heart as well, and makes his way to human!Weiwei to make sure Xiaobai knows that she is not at all the woman he fell in love with and wanted to marry. He unearths her greed, jealousy and entitlement in full; in the end, this relationship cannot survive, because how could Xiaobai possibly stay with someone who does not know - someone who even is, in some ways, responsible, for his lover being taken away from him forever? As the couple breaks up, Wang Zheng and Sang Zan’s love song is playing in the background. 

During this scene, the infamous “I would like to buy [this coat] for my girlfriend” moment happens. 

As we know, he does not have a girlfriend. He may, however, have a boyfriend.

I really like the idea that he buys Shen Wei’s trench coats based on this. I really do. It is nice to see Shen Wei’s style starting to change dramatically as he and Zhao Yunlan become closer, of course, and I want it to be one of those deliberate coded messages Guardian is absolutely astonishing for. But at the same time, this is the jacket Yunlan is remarking on:

It sadly does not look anything like what Shen Wei wears. I will file this under “it’s true because the fandom said so”. 

Later, Hei Pao Shi is having a conversation mirror!Weiwei, revealing that he knew her father, and getting a clue he was after. We are getting a lovely extreme close-up of his eyes. While the mask does not stand to scrutiny of close examination - seriously, they could have maybe put actual leafing on it! - I really love this shot. 

At home, Zhao Yunlan is talking to Da Qing about his favourite subject, which is Professor Shen, and performing more shameless things to his lollipop while doing so. Brotherhood, my friends. This show it about bro-ther-hood. 

Da Qing wonders if his friend has been bewitched by Shen Wei, because it is obvious that Zhao Yunlan does not shut up about the man ever. When asked whether Yunlan would arrest the professor if he were indeed from the Underground, Yunlan responds with a dismissive, almost affronted “He didn’t do anything wrong”. We are to understand, through Da Qing’s reaction, that this is extremely uncharacteristic of Zhao Yunlan to say something like this, and it is entirely reasonable for Da Qing to be concerned. We could extrapolate that Da Qing’s worried because if Shen Wei is dangerous, getting attached to him in such a blatant manner could put Zhao Yunlan’s career and life at a very great risk. So, Da Qing, who knows his friend very well, chooses to press all the correct buttons to kick-start his natural curiosity, and do some investigative work into Shen Wei. 

Step one: break into his flat. As you do.

When we saw Shen Wei view the flat prior to moving in, it was shown already furnished, which is not entirely consistent with this tasteful, yet eclectic, furniture. I don’t know about you, but most flats I have rented have been furnished at IKEA. I can’t help but particularly admire his G Plan style mid-century side-board. And the fact that the man owns a gramophone, because of course he does. 

Shen Wei’s book collection is wonderfully perplexing. I’m not surprised that he reads in English - he is educated, and Dragon City is explicitly shown as bilingual, seeing as signs and even gravestones are written in English. But choices were made with the selection of titles. Going off the English ones alone Shen Wei owns: three copies of the same book about architecture, a heavy looking tome on interior design, a tattered one on Van Gough, and the only non-fiction English titles in his possession are… Irvin Welsh’s Trainspotting and a novelisation of Rocky? The former is notoriously difficult read as it’s written entirely in the Scottish accent. The later is very difficult to find, as is often the case with unnecessary novelisations. Neither scream “Shen Wei” to me. 

Apart from Shen Wei’s obviously fake book collection, we find out that he has some files on the SID. It should be a weird point of contention for Zhao Yunlan, considering that a) he also read Shen Wei’s files; b) he literally broke into the man’s apartment. 

While Zhao Yunlan and Da Qing are still nosing around the flat, Shen Wei makes his way home, stilling at his door when he either sees that the lights are on (they won’t when he left), or notes with his Hei Pao Shi sense that someone is inside. 

We, in turn, discover that he has sword replicas on his wall. The swords are obviously European, two of them are shorter, arming ones, and the one in the middle is a longsword with a hand and a half grip. All three have round pommels, downturned cross-guards, and the general shape most reminiscent of very Late Middle Ages (I would hazard at a guess and place them around second half of the 15th century). I wish we could have seen Shen Wei fighting with one of those at some point, because they would be wielded in ways very different from his own blade, but alas. The shield, by the way, has no business being hung together with those swords: it’s not only from a wrong era, it’s from a different part of the world entirely; my guess is that it’s a replica of a shield from the Tang dynasty. 

Shen Wei senses Zhao Yunlan hiding on the balcony, and bites back a smile. Anyone else would be less happy to find out that their privacy being violated, but he is endeared at is the same way Yunlan was endeared at Shen Wei’s cunning during the prior episode.

After getting back to Zhao Yunlan’s own flat (possibly by waiting for Shen Wei to pretend to fall sleep), Da Qing and Zhao Yunlan move on to step two: contacting the Underground Regent about Shen Wei. Which is not as important a tidbit as finding out that Zhao Yunlan owns a swing. 

Then, they move in to step three: the banner.

According to this article, it’s 锦旗, a traditional gift of gratitude. It’s addressed to “Dragon City University, Professor Shen Wei”, but is singed by “Zhao Yunlan”, without mentioning of SID or his position therein, implying that the gift is personal. The message reads “Helping people [is] helping oneself” and “conscience of the industry”. It’s extremely over the top, which both Shen Wei and Chu Shuzhi, tasked with delivering the banner, are aware of.

Shen Wei looks between tentatively amused and politely mortified.

Chu Shuzhi looks like holding this banner is the most excruciating torture he ever had to endure. 

The banner, of course, has a hidden camera in it, so that Zhao Yunlan has a 24/7 feed from Shen Wei’s office. As he and Da Qing are watching the gift being hung, Da Qing is teasing Yunlan with Hei Pao Shi, who is surely the wrong man to tease him about.  

In the next scene, Zhao Yunlan is at Shen Wei’s workplace again, and we discover from Shen Wei’s unpleasant boss that Li Qian has dropped out after her ordeal with the Longevity Dial. 

From the way this is written and shot, I would surmise that Zhao Yunlan does not spring on the professor in a middle of an uncomfortable conversation, but rather has spent some time with him prior to it, volunteering to be moral support. He continues being a good friend by asking Shen Wei why he feels like he has to shoulder all of the world’s weight: it’s surprisingly insightful into a large part of Shen Wei’s personality. 

There is little narrative reason for them to have this meeting, so I am choosing to believe that dropping in on Shen Wei randomly during lunch time is a habit Zhao Yunlan has started to form.

Finally, before the episode ends, we are privy to Shen Wei being the most polite, level-headed mugging victim. He hands the muggers his watch and money willingly, waiting for Zhao Yunlan, who is obviously stalking him, to show up and save the day. The muggers, enraged by his cool attitude, decide to shake him up, and, in the last seconds of this episode, the Pendant of Pining appears in shot for the first time. 

Next up, episode 7: No, Shen Wei, It Wasn’t The Bears

------

Just a quick note to say that I’ll keep those recaps going, but I will have to slow down the pace at which I’m churning them out to one every three to four days. There are some real life things I’ve been neglecting last few weeks that I need to spend my time on; and I’ve also started a new show (Sound of Providence, not Word of Honour - my watching priorities currently lie with Zhu Yilong being awesome). So, if I’m quiet here for a few days, I’m not gone, just a bit busy.

ETA. Realised that I made a booboo when translating the banner. Fixed that now. 

[mithliya]

saw the list of good radblr accounts to follow. Just wanted to point out girlsmoonsandstars got into fights with people on if sexual orientation can change girlsmoonsandstars(.)tumblr(.)com/post/639880227560013824/im-starting-to-have-doubts-about-the-born-this /// girlsmoonsandstars(.)tumblr(.)com/post/639954347157078016/the-linguistic-distinction-between-lesbian /// there are way more you can see it in her archive in january 2021. idk why radfems keep asking lesbians if they can change or not

i really disagree with her statement of "lesbianism is the way you live"-- it's not about the way you live itself. a bisexual polilez can very much live exactly like a lesbian, but if she has been previously (or is currently) into men but chooses not to be with them for political reasons......despite the way she lives aligning with lesbians, her experience is still different from lesbians because it's not really as much of a choice for lesbians. lesbians don't experience attraction to men and then choose not to act on it, lesbians don't face attraction to men to begin with. in a way, we do choose to accept ourselves because we've seen many gay people who lived so much of their lives hiding and hating themselves and trying to change themselves, and we see that we don’t want that for us. so we choose to be true to ourselves instead of forcing ourselves into a miserable life. but the difference is, the "choice" is between: living your authentic truth and being with who you actually are into, or living a lie and essentially harming yourself in hopes of fitting into & being embraced by a homophobic society. for bi women who choose to exclusively be w women & call themselves a lesbian, the choice is more of an actual choice: they choose to pursue women exclusively even though they can be attracted to men and can have a relatively happy and/or passionate relationship with a man. it wouldn't be them fighting against themselves when they choose to pursue men. so i don't think its about the way you live, its about more than that.

i will say i expected the rest of her statements to be a lot worse here, but i think some of it is reasonable in some ways and some does seem, like she said, perhaps fuelled by internalised homophobia. i know many lesbians do worry and think, "ive never been into men and i still am not...but how can i know it'll never happen?" and that way of thinking only harms us and drives us crazy and i agree its not productive. but is that the fault of the "born this way narrative" or is that a product of lesbians being constantly told we will eventually find "the right guy"? because i think its the fault of the latter. it seems she places the blame on the former. if she said anything else on the topic, i haven't found it.

lastly i will agree that i take issue with the argument that lesbians who align themselves with harmful politics are necessarily not really lesbians. this is part of the reason the "lesbianism is the way you live" thing is something i disagree with too. a lesbian that aligns herself with political lesbianism and agrees with it can very much be a lesbian, so can a homophobic religious lesbian convinced she can live a 'traditional' life and fight her homosexuality. they are lesbians despite their beliefs and actions because lesbianism is innate to you and you can't change it through action nor belief. regardless of that, theyre still perpetuating homophobic shit and harming lesbians, and other lesbians have every right to criticise that. but i do think its harmful to jump to the assumptions that women who hold certain beliefs can't possibly be lesbians, because it ironically plays into the political lesbian rhetoric even though it's meant to combat it. it sends the message that political beliefs equals/relates to sexuality and that's exactly the argument we're fighting against to begin with! i feel like she contradicted herself by saying lesbianism is about how you live, while also saying that lesbians can live whichever way while still being lesbians. regardless of what path we choose, whether we choose to accept ourselves or not, whether we believe in a specific ideology or not, our lesbianism remains.

[roonilwazlibimagines]

I feel like by now, if you didn't know that JKR made her books just a little misogynistic, you were hiding under a rock. Like yes, Hermione is a strong female character, but she said she made her as a sort of ugly duckling character that grew to be beautiful. WHY CANT SHE BE BEAUTIFUL FROM THE BEGINNING? Or WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE UGLY AT ALL?? Associating how much beauty one has with their intelligence is pure bullshit, and that right there is misogynistic. JKR is kinda misogynistic. I said it.

Also, to add to what I said about lavender and JKR and misogyny ect bc I have a character limit for some reason, was JKR just not loved enough by her partner or something? Like what is so wrong with just loving someone that you have to go and make one of your charcters get treated like trash bc of it? Hmm, nothing! You have internalized and fucked up issues bc of it. And that makes you a shitty person for doing that JKR. It really does. 2/2

I tried to keep my response short but it didn’t happen, I’m sorry. So if you want to hear me ramble on about Harry Potter and the internalised misogyny in it, please read :)

She is and I fucking hate it.

Like I really need to control myself because I could write a whole novel about this so I will try to keep this really short.

I know I said I never related to a character 100% but I simplified a really odd struggle I went through reading Harry Potter because I was 100% Hermione. Like down to the frizzy hair and the stubbornness and the fact that I took more classes than anyone at school, like I was all of her good and all of her bad.

But I hated it and I would get so upset whenever people said I was like Hermione and I think part of it had to do with the fact that they ‘perfectified’ her in the movies - which made her actually even more unlikeable and also made me think that I actually wasn’t Hermione because I wasn’t perfect - and the other part of it was that no one liked Hermione :(

Like everyone insulted her because she was a ‘know-it-all’ and she was only pretty when she tamed her frizzy hair and everything that she had that I saw in myself was made fun of or was annoying and when those things were gone she was liked.

And like you can have a character with flaws that other people don’t like without harming innocent young minds - it has been done!

Anyways I could go on and on about all the things I think are lowkey misogynistic and I will list them here because I want to share my opinions with people but none of my friends like Harry Potter

Literally what you said about Hermione and the ugly duckling trope which is so harmful to young girls who are positioned to look up to her as a heroine? (Make it make sense Joanne 😡)

The whole phlegm thing - I feel like this is a little out of character and like okay maybe Ginny didn’t like her because she didn’t want bill to leave (🥺) like he was the oldest, I get it, but the only reason they hate her is because she is pretty and trying to voice her opinions :(

Fleur in the tournament - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I know Fleur couldn’t save Gabrielle because Harry had to save her and I know she couldn’t actually get to the cup in the maze, but !! It also doesn’t sit right with me that she is the only competitor not to complete two tasks

Fleur and Hermione - even though I do not agree with the way Lavender and Hermione were pitted against each other I also feel like it is kinda in character for Hermione to react the way she did (even though I think any time two girls are pitted against each other for a boy is bad writing I can maybe like 5% understand this - but also take away that 5% because their is definitely a subtext that Lavender is annoying because she is ‘girly’ - so I understand it 0% and idk where I’m going with this anymore) but Hermione had no reason to not like Fleur. Like she did not like her even in their fourth year even though they had never spoken !!

The whole Lavender thing - and I’m sorry the way that Ron speaks about her as if she’s annoying and he tries to escape her, like you said, I’m sorry that she loves you?? Like I know it was a bit intense but if he wasn’t head over heels for her he should’ve broken up with her a lot earlier and not dragged it on and led her on!!

The way that Umbridge is described - I know that Umbridge is a horrible person and I am not trying to defend her at all !! But I find it very odd that one side of her personality is just being girly which is definitely used against her because Harry always comments on how ugly her things are are. Like I get pink isn’t for everyone and I know when you hate someone everything they do is annoying, but like this is how Umbridge is introduced - The witch spoke in a fluttery, girlish, high-pitched voice that took Harry aback; he had been expecting a croak. Like she is introduced as being girly and idk it just doesn’t sit right with me. 

That stupid emotional range of a teaspoon comment - Sorry, I forgot, women are just really overdramatic and sensitive and boys don’t cry and therefore could not understand the female brain - not even when they are sharing the trauma of losing someone 

Harry and Cho - do you really expect me to believe that Harry Potter - the boy who spent his summer holidays after his fourth year having nightmares and feeling horrible about Cedric’s death - witnessed Cho Change - the girl who was dating Cedric - crying at the mention of Cedric (not that long after he died!) and went ‘lol why tf this bitch crying?’ and also don’t get me started on their date in the book because that angered me on levels you don’t understand. Like Cho’s reaction is what positioned a lot of people to dislike her. After five years of harry Harry Potter and the other two fuck up your school year I feel like everyone in Hogwarts knows that Harry, Ron and Hermione are like the best of fucking friends and Cho’s reaction honestly just felt like it was put in for entertainment purposes but I was not entertained. 

Snape and Lily - Yes I do think its reasonable that Snape got angry over never getting any pussy and decided to take it out on defenceless children. He is my hero. 

Draco and Hermione - look, I have nothing against people who ship fanon dramione because in very simplified terms they do make for the perfect love/hate trope and sometimes things aren’t really serious and it is just a means of escapism. But canon dramione is a horrible concept and I cannot believe that she actually considered making them date. Like yes, that is a really nice message to send to young and impressionable minds - I’m sorry but if that was canon it would be no more better than a ‘I’m dating my bully’ wattpad story. 

Anyways, I’m sorry I went on a massive but I’ve been holding this in for too long :( Basically the point of this is that I really do think pitting women against each other for very simple reasons and setting up a character as unlikeable because they like traditional girly things is really bad writing and you know what? I could honestly forgive that because it was quite a while ago - and even though I’m not trying to defend it or say that it was right- stuff like this was normal in media and entertainment and if she came out and said ‘yeah it was kinda shitty when I made everyone dislike the actual goddess Fleur Delacour because she was pretty’ I would be like ‘yeah, you’re right’ and move on with my life. But she didn’t and instead she showed us that she was transphobic and horrible and just plain misogynistic and now I (obviously) can’t move on. 

[skyborn-reads]

Awaken the sleeping giant — an intuitive reading (with technomancy)

Technomancy refers to divination with the use of technology. For this reading, the cards will be tucked away, replaced with intuitively shuffled pictures that will reveal your dormant gifts, abilities and talents.

Meant only for those drawn to this picture:

Picture source

First impression before shuffling: I smell spices, cloves and garlic. There's earth energy in you. The sign Taurus brushed across my mind. Fret not if this doesn't resonate as it is only a general first impression. Now let's see what photos will pop up for you!

Picture sources 1 ♢ 2 ♢ 3 ♢ 4 ♢ 5

The Pizza

The first message I get is that you have the tendency to be too hard on yourself. You have high standards and you work tirelessly to achieve it. This has its positives and negatives. You're able to improve and constantly reinvent yourself, but you might also run the risk of slipping into a dark void where you can find no way out because you couldn't meet the standards you set for yourself. You've come a long way since before and it is important to celebrate your achievements along the way.

Second message: Independent and self-sufficient, you're not one to make others worry. People feel reassured with you because while you're a grounded presence you're also a breath of fresh air, very cooling minty energy. There are sometimes you may unknowingly present a false image of yourself. People may get a wrong idea of how you're like when in truth you're not at all how they assume. This attribute puts a mysterious aura over you, allows you to blend swimmingly in various situations.

The Dragon

The key theme of this picture is amassing treasure. You're perseverant, patient and not one to be swayed by mere whims and fancies. Whatever you set out to do you're able to consistently build up results over time. You have strong Earth energy that feels grounded like a mountain because of this productive habit you built up, so it mostly stems from consistent choices. The other element that you're closely aligned with is Air, but Air that is flowing and oceanic; very translucent, otherworldly and magical. It is a sign of psychic talent. This energy is innate in you but you haven't done much exploration into it.

The Woman

You're charming. People can't help but be drawn to you but you're also afraid of opening up. There are parts of you you show to the world and parts of you that even you are foreign to. The latter part gives me an energy of a barren land where nobody speaks the land's language. You are protective over your inner world, more of like a reflex action. There are pieces of childhood hopes and dreams that you still hold dear to. I see stars, trees and pastel colours. These can be actual things or more of a vibe of your inner world. When you're at last comfortable (but that is a process not to be rushed), expressing your inner world in the form of colourful expressive art can allow this barren land to become merry once more, and open new doors that take you to further destinations.

The Meme

You're a healer who wouldn't give up. You'd hold onto people when they're depressed or are pushing you away but you'd be persistent to offer them guidance and unwavering support. You talk things through like a counselor. Some of your advice to others come from books, some from your personal experiences. You're one to internalise the advice you give to others, saving them into your memory as a sort of “advice bank” for yourself when you encounter similar problems.

Maudit

Please note that the words in this picture aren't important for this reading. You have unique perceptions of things, seeing what others cannot see. This makes you philosophical, offering eye-opening insights. I see a book, a collection of your philosophical thoughts and insights. Making that book will allow you to share your thoughts with others and create new connections.

However, you might sometimes get lost in your own thoughts and instead become a victim to them. Once you consider a belief to be true, nothing can change your persistence to that belief, it feels to be set in stone. Stubbornness combined with a cold view of the world, believing that the world is cold and there is a hidden agenda to most events resulted in you being locked in these thoughts. This is an exact opposite of what you have originally wanted to achieve — personal freedom. Being aware of this pattern is the first step towards change. This reading serves as a messenger, and whether or not to heed its advice depends on you.

This reading can sound harsh and more of a mix of wake-up call and dormant talents. I hope it resonates and that it is helpful to you. Do share with me what you think 💙

~ Skyborn

[trashy-slashy]

Saving Face

Bo SinclairxReader

Warnings: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Injury

Your feet pushed off the ground beneath you, giving chase to the retreating figure. You knew Ambrose like the back of your hand by this point, darting past one of the houses to cut off the victim, catching them by surprise.

“You’re all a bunch of sick freaks!” He snarled, throwing a fist in your direction. You side-stepped it, retaliating with your own to their stomach, sending them crashing to the floor with a yelp. You huffed, regarding his comment with contempt as you crushed the heel of your boot into his chest. The clouds parted, moonlight illuminating the scene. Bo leant against a nearby wall, a smirk plastered on his face, watching you toy with the tourist. You scowled in his direction. Why couldn’t he just let you be? He knew you were capable on your own, yet here he stood in the shadows, waiting for you to fuck up. It irritated you to no avail.

“Asshole.” The man spat at you, but you weren’t addressing him. You reached into your back pocket, retrieving the knife Lester had gifted you, your other hand latching in the mans shirt to tug him to your level. It was a struggle; you lacked the brute strength the Sinclairs seemed to harbour. A fist connected with your cheek, the impact resonating in your skull, sending you stumbling backwards. Darkness shrouded you as the moon vanished. You could taste iron. Discombobulated, you faintly heard something clatter to the floor; it took you a moment to realise you’d dropped the blade. Metal parted flesh as the knife sunk into your belly, the pain searing through your body. Everything was warm, wet, unpleasant. A second punch to your chin sent you spiralling to the floor. Your scream cut through the night, silence resuming as your head hit solid floor.

Bo paced relentlessly. Vincent was sure he was going to end up pulling out clumps of his hair. He sat quietly in the corner, hyper aware that even his presence was agitating the other twin. After you’d gone down Bo had stepped in, descending on the man like the angel of death. He almost wished he could’ve painstakingly tortured him for what he did, but he didn’t have time. The tourist was left gasping for air in his own blood whilst Bo scooped you up, sprinting up to the house. Jonesy whined softly under the bed you were laid on, nuzzling his nose against the arm that had lolled off the edge. “This was all your idea, if it wasn’t for you and this fuckin’ freak show...” Bo rambled. Vincent mostly ignored him, well used to his siblings temper. It was his default setting whenever something got under his skin, when Bo felt anything he deemed weak he drowned it in anger, taking out his frustration on anything or anyone unfortunate enough to be in his sights. It tended to be hurling abuse when Vincent was nearby, though they’d had a few scraps over the years. Bo quickly learnt his brother was a fair amount stronger than him. He only lashed out when he was beyond reason nowadays.

You whimpered softly, drawing the brothers’ attention back to you. A quick glare from Bo gave Vincent all the information he needed, snapping his book shut and vacating the room, clicking his tongue for Jonesy to follow. The room swam. It hurt to move. You’d been stripped down to your underwear, settled onto the cot in Vincent’s workshop. Your head throbbed as you peeked around the room, sighing when you met Bo’s cold stare. His hair was slick with sweat, either stuck to his forehead or poking out in every direction, hands balled into fists so tight he could draw his own blood with his nails. “Bo, I-“

“You fuckin’ worthless idiot! You have any idea what could’ve happened if I hadn’t been there!? He coulda got away and called the fuckin’ cops!” His fingers dragged through his scalp, pacing anxiously around the room. You saw Vincent’s preparation table on it’s side in one corner of the room. His breathing was ragged, filling the silence between his outbursts.

“Bo-“

“Don’t you fuckin’ Bo me, I shoulda left you to die out there, I can’t be fuckin’ dealin’ with this shit.” His sleeve dipped past his wrist but Bo quickly corrected it, pressing his fist against his mouth. He stared blankly at the wall, refusing to look at you, tension saturating the air between you.

“Bo-“

“What do you fuckin’ want!?” He snapped, turning to glower at you. Every emotion he felt flashed across his face in a split second, easily missed by someone who didn’t know him, but you did. Despite your woozy head you propped yourself up against the wall, holding out your arms for him. Bo stilled for a second, exhaling slowly as he stepped over to you. He didn’t look at you as he sat down, back turned to you, seemingly indifferent to your arms wrapping around his chest. You squeezed as much as you dared, the pain in your stomach rearing its head. His head was swimming. He felt sick, the stress of internalising everything he felt clawing its way through his stomach. Bo feared opening his mouth. I don’t need you, he repeated to himself, over and over, waging a war on the pit in his stomach. He’d said that multiple times since he’d met you. And yet here you were. Holding him whilst you were the one in need. Bo grit his teeth, chastising himself. He wanted to throw his arms around you and let you know how much you meant. But he couldn’t, held back by hidden demons that feasted on his despair.

“I’m okay, I’m not going anywhere.” Bo’s chin fell against his chest and you heard him gulp. Solid fingers laced in yours, squeezing urgently, trying to convey their message. “Vincent did a good job.” You eyed the stitching on your stomach, deflecting the conversation before Bo could get overwhelmed again.

“Yeah, he’s something.” He murmured, more interested in rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of your hand. “You know I wouldn’t actually leave you out there, right?” It was barely a whisper, Bo unsure of whether or not he wanted you to hear his confession. From previous experience you knew it was easier not to reply, instead tugging his hand to your lips, pressing a soft kiss to his palm. He shifted on the edge of the bed to face you, his features soft, exhaustion pricking at the corners of his eyes.

“Go to bed, how long have you been up?” He shrugged, letting go of your hand. “I’ll still be here.” His eyes wandered down you before nodding, scarpering out of the room. You didn’t expect him to go so easily. When he returned not even 5 minutes later with blankets and pillows you rolled your eyes. “You’re gonna get a bad back.” The bedding was unceremoniously chucked on the floor besides you. Externalising feelings wasn’t easy for Bo, but he had all the time in the world to spend with you.

“Stop complainin’, Vincent says I can’t move you so deal with it. Be grateful I got this shit at all.” He scowled, distinct grumpy old man facade slipping back into place, stacking the pillows by your waist. You couldn’t help but smile at him. He leant over you, taking care not to jostle your injuries, pressing a lingering kiss to your forehead that said everything he couldn’t. “Night darlin’” He settled against the cot, and only a few moments passed before he was out like a light. You traced your fingers through his curls, relishing the way his head unconsciously dipped against your hand, a happy hum leaving his lips.

[ratingtheframe]

Everything Wrong With… Ep 2 - The Devil Wears Prada

Welcome back to Everything Wrong With...the series where dive head first into some of the seemingly okay-ish films and analyse why in fact they do more harm than good in providing us with satiable entertainment. Follow me on instagram @ratingtheframe for more movie related content and without further ado, let's get into this chick flick and see how far we’ve come since 2006.

If you aren’t aware, The Devil Wears Prada is a 2006 “chick flick” originally written as a book by Lauren Weisenburger. I remember seeing The Devil Wears Prada as one of those grown up lady films, for mature women on tampon adverts who had wine on Thursday evenings from M&S and wore heels practically everywhere. My perception of this film and the audience it caters towards has changed dramatically after watching it and it kills me inside to imagine the popularity and praise such a film got back in 2006, an extremely harsh time for women and the perception of beauty standards. 

The world was still getting into the internet, magazines and runways were adjusting to the 2000s and the way that women were viewed in the media was a lot more damaging than today. Former supermodels such as Kate Moss and Cara Delevingne have since come out and talked about their experiences in the modelling industry and how it creates unhealthy stereotypes for women and young girls to abide by. The ‘size 0’ and ‘heroin chic look’ has since been banished from the modelling industry, two expectations that were pretty popular in the late and early 2000s for models. We are witnessing a revolution for the modelling industry as they (very) slowly but surely are beginning to introduce more plus sized, diverse and unfiltered faces for their campaigns. We can breathe easier knowing that the only way is forward for the fashion industry and that very little people will stand for the mid 2000s ideologies that were pumped out to the entire world.

Back to 2006 and one of the year’s most popular films with female audiences; The Devil Wears Prada, starring the likes of Anne Hathaway, Meryl Streep and Emily Blunt. The film follows Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway) , a wannabe journalist newly welcomed into New York City and is currently on the hunt for her career. She manages to land a job at Runway Magazine, a large, corporate editorial magazine for women’s fashion run by the one and only Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep), a devious, beautiful and highly successful media personality and editor.

So far so good as we have two tangible and likeable female leads. The opening sequence (one of the most important in any film) had me eye rolling a touch in the way it depicted women of the 2000s and seemingly created the idea that there are two sides to women. 

The five or so minute montage consisted of the various women who are models at Runway, getting ready for their long day of work, right from being undressed to fully made up. This was supposed to be a contrast to how our lead Andy gets ready, barely throwing on any makeup and throwing on whatever she wants whilst heading out the door. When you put the way women choose to be perceived in the world at an opposition, you create this divide between women and further place their worth on how they choose to look. The stereotype of a ‘pick me girl’ arises from this opposition, a girl who actively shames other women for choosing to be more openly feminine in their appearance and actions. The intelligence and respect of women should not be based on how they look when they show up, rather how they BEHAVE when they show up. I just thought this montage was a little unnecessary and if anything, introduced us into a misogynistic world of 2006 really well. One point for accuracy, no points for progression. Everyone gets dressed in the morning and (often) everyone wears underwear, showing this activity on screen didn’t really add much to the film besides the pressures of women to look a certain way. 

Once Andy arrives at the company, she is rudely introduced by Emily (Emily Blunt) Miranda’s current right hand. Now the entire character of Emily is again, another concept to this film that is left better in the 2000s; a mean girl and a VERY mean one at that. This world is already a patriarchal mess for women like Andy and Emily and having women join the bandwagon in showing an oppressive side to those who don’t conform to the female societal norms is non progressive. It was almost as if Emily was an investor into the patriarchy by behaving abhorrently towards her from the way she dressed as opposed to her actual character and qualifications. Please, let's not have women against women based on their desirability in the eyes of the male gaze. Emily has already become a clear victim to her own policies, as her lack of eating is laid bare to us as an entertaining gimmick as opposed to a cause of concern. Last time I checked making fun of eating disorders wasn’t chic. 

Now the argument whether Miranda Priestly is also an investor in the patriarchy is a little clouded. Through her mean spirit and harsh words towards Andy and her appearance, she comes across as someone who is doing more harm than good by joining the patriarchal view of women in the 2000s. I found myself having to bite my tongue a little instead of calling her bitch because that would be letting my internalized misogyny get the best of me. 

Even though Miranda is tough talking and spiteful, I really can’t blame her for it as a character. She is one of the strongest female characters I’ve come across on screen for both her strengths and flaws. Had such a character been placed in a Roman Army or Italian Mob, my views of her would have stayed the same. She is a strong woman with enough versatility and strength to face any situation. The way she asserts her authority in a funny and patronizing way is hard not to fall in love with and any woman who asserts their authority and relishes in their own power is already technically against the patriarchy. Her industry may be patriarchal, however her spirit is not and the things she does in order to keep her status is admirable. I found myself comparing her to the way a man maneuvers the world (again, internalised misogyny, working on it) which in some parts is the reason there should be more Miranda Priestly's in films. Instead of comparing strong women to men, with more strong female leads we’ll start comparing these women to other women. 

Thank god for the zilch, overly graphic sex scenes in this film (maybe cuz the screenplay was written by a woman, but who knows-), however their is one character I’d like to address that rubbed me the wrong way and spoke for a big hole in the modelling/fashion industry that still exists today. Christian Thompson (Simon Baker) is this handsome, 40 summit journalist who meets Andy at a social event for a fashion designer. I admit he was charming in his demeanour but also overtly creepy at points. Andy and Christian bump into each other in Paris where he leads her down a street (his hand on THAT part of the elbow) and kisses Andy without consent, knowing she has a boyfriend. “Oh, it's just a movie” you’re probably thinking, but yet I couldn’t help but cringe at such a thing. Movies are a reflection of our society after all. He kisses her several more times until Andy gives in. If we’re trying to get films to reach audiences and affect them in some way, encouraging consent should be one of those things. Depicting such a madness on screen makes my rolls right to the back of my head and speaks for the entire society behind the modelling and fashion industry; a society run by men who can do what they like with or without consent. Though the wellbeing of Andy wasn’t in imminent danger, I felt Christian Thompson as a character to be a representation of those in the fashion industry who take advantage of women because of their status and so called connections. No more of this please!

Andy has a transformation a little later into the film, a concept that we thought had been left in the patriarchy trash can, but quickly emerged in Debby Ryan’s Insatiable (2018). Lasting only 2 seasons from 2018-19, the Netflix series followed Patty Bladell who gets afforded niceties and respect after she loses weight and becomes a “hot girl”. The show was created by Lauren Guissis based on an article about a (male) Pageant Guru who tells women how they can become pageant queens for a small fee...EW. The fact that such a show got picked up in a day and age that was beginning to open up to body positivity and more inclusivity in the media, the show was insensitive to its current surroundings. 

This same “ugly duckling” transformation isn’t something new or old apparently, with the one in The Devil Wears Prada being one of the least progressive moments of the film. Now that Andy looked like she could work at Runway, somehow she was working a lot better at Runway and was being afforded privileges she didn’t get before her new haircut. Is this the message we want to send out to the world anymore? That in order to get a one up in life, all you need is new clothes and better make up skills? Of course, glo ups can be fun but the purest, healthiest form of a glow up comes from within.

A tiring cliché that “beauty comes from within” but one that makes a lot of sense and something I experienced in my mid teens. Having never experienced male validity or the feeling of desirability, once I began to believe I was beautiful on the outside, others began to notice, because they could read the confidence and self worth I had from my outward energy. An energy that can’t be felt beyond a face tuned Instagram picture. Beauty can be an energy as well as a look and had Andy embraced this more and rejected the passing comments people made at her, it would have taught us that one doesn’t have to conform in order to be respected. On the other hand, I don’t want to shame nor blame her as conforming to societal standards as for most women ,it’s an act of survival, to secure their places in certain spaces, with Andy being no expectation. A sad reality that a woman may have to wear makeup in order to stay in people’s good books, but a choice that should be discussed as opposed to shamed. 

I truly could go on and on about the harmful stereotypes and implications of The Devil Wears Prada and it's sad, yet true similarities to the real fashion industry of today and the mid 2000s. It was and still is cut throat, with many models developing eating disorders, low self esteem issues and even substance abuse due to the mounting pressures of trying to reach perfection. A perfection that doesn’t exist seeing as the fashion and modelling industry alters their version of perfection every single day. I’m glad that by the end of the film Andy ditched Runway in favour of living a more healthy and truthful lifestyle, one that wasn’t swapped in ridiculous pressures and the threat to conform or else leave. Which she did in the end. Miranda isn’t a devil, but a force to be reckoned with in a world that is ready to make her feel lesser than herself because of her gender. I hope to never see such a film like The Devil Wears Prada, ever again, in a world that no longer needs this sort of film to represent the strengths of women. It's best left in 2006 and hopefully you’ve learnt something you’ve never thought about from this in depth analysis. 

[fairycosmos]

3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

[sarahkhoojijean]

Blogpost 8: Interactivity, Agency and Pleasure in online banking? Who would have thought?

Pelletier (2005) presents the phenomenon that is the gamification of education. She posits that gamification incorporates three salient characteristics to education — interactivity, agency and pleasure. Interactivity positions learners at the core of the learning experience, allowing them to fully connect and thus be immersed in the learning process. Agency then refers to learners being directly involved in the changes and decisions made during the learning process. Finally, pleasure suggests that by gamifying the learning experience, learners derive the fun and enjoyment that naturally comes with play. Learning becomes less strict, and learners are given more space to experiment and try out new ways to approach their work. Learners would thus have more room for errors and be less adverse towards failure. She borrowed ideas from Žižek's theories focused on cyberspace and its subjectivity, focusing on interpassivity. Žižek posited that there is a fundamental educational trait to games, as they allow players to experiment with the different factors. These concepts then define the interactive aspect of the online space. He focused on the social aspect of education, and posited that by gamifying education, learning is facilitated with the learners as players, responding to stimulations and are made to act on prompts. Interpassivity then describes when users remain as a passive player while spectating another active source.

(Pelletier then outlines the 3 different aspects on cyberspace that Žižek has theorised, substantiating with another separate view.

Games serve as pain relievers. This notion insinuates that the online space allows users the freedom and flexibility to explore certain aspects that might seem taboo in the real world, allowing the individual control, free choice. Thus, by gamifying education, learners are able to have free control over how they learn, negating forced training and instead adopting a more "natural" way of education that learners can derive pleasure from.

Games are sensual temptations. This interpretation suggests that gamification leads to no actual takeaway, but rather that the experience is felt in a very vivid and abstract. Thus, when education is gamified, there is a risk that learners are so focused on playing that they cannot internalise what they were meant to learn.

Games are replicas of non-virtual life. This draws on the aspect of games where individuals are able to customise their own "avatar" that will represent the in-game persona they decide to portray. This would allow learners to actively take on problem-solving roles,

Games serves as dramatic stages for reality construction. This last point is posited by Pelletier, differentiating the online from real life. She states that for one to be able to truly, actively be themselves, they would have to detach themselves from their physical identity and instead be an "Other". This would allow one to fulfill fantasies freely as it will not be tied to their real self. By incorporating gaming into education, learners are able to embody the role of being a creator, having the power to manipulate the different aspects of education.)

I find that the points Pelletier highlight on the gamification very salient in the creation of Huat Pals by Google Pay. Google Pay is an online payment system, serving as a digital wallet conveniently packaged into a phone application. Its many features include transferring amounts of cash to other Google Pay users and making transactions to other businesses. Huat Pals was a campaign that started during Chinese New Year 2021. Google Pay had managed to gamify the concepts of online payments by incorporating the different core features of the banking application into daily challenges. The activity involved collecting 5 characters: Rara, Lenny, Neo, Ah Huat and BBLoh (Figure 1). To redeem Huat Pals, users had to complete daily challenges and answer trivia questions related to Chinese New Year (Figure 2). The prizes Google Pay offered were very enticing, such that users that collected all 5 characters would win a scratchcard containing a value between $8.88 to $88.88 (Figure 3). Thus, this incentivised users to consistently fulfil the daily tasks, maximising the number of characters they were able to redeem in a day in hopes of finishing their collection.

By incorporating a gamified activity to online banking, it has evidently increased the interactivity, agency and pleasure derived from using the platform. The daily tasks prompted users to use the application everyday, normalising the use of Google Pay to deal with daily transactions. This encouraged greater interaction and thus familiarity with the platform, while supplying users with the element of fun and excitement that came with collecting the characters and keeping fingers crossed they got the rarer characters like BbLoh. Furthermore, as users are actively engaging with the activity, users are afforded greater agency, who are given the responsibility to collect all the characters in order to redeem the cash prize. The activity of the users determined whether or not they were going to meet requirements of the daily tasks, and were given agency to seek out opportunities to maximise their redemption of characters. Finally, the idea of having fun while transacting money has never once been something I considered possible, but lo and behold, Google Pay has done it. I was genuinely invested in Huat Pals, transferring $10 everyday to my other friend who would transfer me it back, just so the both of us would get that 3 huat pals. I had messaged distant acquaintances just so we could exchange huat pals, and I even asked people from group projects whom I had met for the first time this semester if they already had Google Pay accounts. The competitive spirit in me kept me fixated on this activity, trying so hard to collect all the characters. At one point, it was no longer about the incentive, but mainly my desire to finish the game. Collecting a new character gave me a sense of excitement and fulfilment, and it was admittedly quite fun to reach out to my friends to exchange Huat Pals and lament about not getting BbLoh. Ultimately, Google Pay achieved its goal of making users accustomed to their platform, as I have been using it more frequently now to make transactions (going out of my way to ask vendors if they accepted Google Pay since it is much more convenient than paying in cash). Thus, I believe that Pelletier's point that gamification increases interactivity, agency and pleasure is very much reflected in Google Pay's Huat Pals.

(my apologies for such a long reflection!)

Pelletier, C. (2005). Reconfiguring Interactivity, Agency and Pleasure in the Education and Computer Games Debate—Using Žižek's Concept of Interpassivity to Analyse Educational Play. E-Learning and Digital Media, 2(4), 317-326.

Figure 1: Huat Pals

Figure 2: Daily Challenges

Figure 3: Scratchcard

[luobinghelovebot]

Trying to make sense of my Scum Villain feelings…. I know that it’s uh… quite a polarising novel but message me if you’ve read & have opinions either way (into it, hate it, critical but found peace with it etc.) 🤔 

under the cut because my little thought dump got Long

I’ve come to the point where it’s been long enough since I’ve read it that it’s Sunk In & I’m thinking about how when I was reading it was kinda easy to just cherry pick the bits I liked and joss the bits I didn’t (as I always do lol) but it feels different when the very foundation of the work is the SQQ/LBH relationship and that story/relationship is FOUNDED in the fact that from LBH’s POV SQQ has vastly more knowledge than him, ESPECIALLY about LBH himself, from the beginning, is LBH’s shizun, & is the first/only person to actually show him a modicum of kindness.

I’ve seen people argue that (from SQQ’s POV) given the time he’s dead/LBH’s in the abyss LBH grows & matures & becomes a demon prince (king?) so LBH actually has MORE power over SQQ/it balances out. SQQ is actually kind of afraid of LBH at first (knowing how powerful/vengeful he’ll become, specifically of SQQ) to the point that he thinks LBH will torture and kill him because, in another life, he KNOWS he DID.

And I’m torn because on the one hand I think the whole POINT is that the power dynamics and history and perceptions between them are messy and they have so many unfinished conversations and there’s still things they don’t know and understand about each other (LBH doesn’t know SQQ hasn’t always been SQQ but was Shen Yuan, SQQ still sometimes slips into seeing LBH as og/Bingge and is surprised when LBH is LBH), and in terms of calling SQQ shizun if he then changed that it’s almost then ignoring that that was the whole reason LBH is different from og/Bingge, if he keeps calling him shizun it’s also just. uncomfortable because SQQ is then being reminded of 14 year old LBH (who, in his internal monologue he often refers to as “this boy/disciple I raised” or something similar). 

The characters are fun and I like some aspects of their dynamic (the obsessive/jealous stuff is SO annoying but I like it when they just. sit and talk and chill and stuff) & I feel like it’d have really great potential if more of this stuff had been addressed but it’s so rooted in such a MESS it’s so odd for me to think about properly/critically, especially as I don’t fully understand the complexities/power balances with a shizun/disciple relationship in this type of work. ?

And I know some people see even SQQ’s pov as reluctant/internalised homophobia or whatever but there’s just. nothing really in his internal thoughts that implies he grows to… like LBH ? Outside of fondness for him as a disciple/pity/relief he’s not og!Bingge ? Like even when they get romantic etc. SQQ internally feels very much just like. “well alright then” but then some fics I have read present this with the double edged sword of it being a kind of. jokey/internalised thing because externally SQQ is very clingy and sappy with him ? 

I also can’t stop thinking about SQQ being from “our world” and viewing them all as fictional characters and LBH as the undefeatable protagonist etc. but then it feels as though it’s being turned on its head and it’s really SQQ (who is, obviously, our protagonist for SV), but then LBH still has the “protag halo” etc. and I just. it would have been really interesting to explore that/have SQQ realise he had his own halo of his own and go into a crisis about how he’s now the main character of a new story and wondering if he’s real at all anymore, if LBH is really real or just a projection of his desires for a love interest (devoted/adoring/clingy etc.) because he’s now the Main Character and he GETS the “happy ending”…. 👀

Half the reason I’m kind of fond of the idea of SQH/SQQ (cucumberplane ? lol) because it’s like. imagine dying and waking up in a novel you hate and the author is there and like. sure you thought their writing sucked but is anyone else here real? does anyone else remember the music & food & internet & memes & LIFE that you do ?? 🥺 i don’t find their dynamic in canon would lead to Romance™ but it would’ve been so interesting if LBH was the author or something instead lmao imagine if he’d turned around at the abyss and been like. I know you’re gonna push me in bitch! BYE!.. and SQQ was like…. wait what klsafdgjlf

Also god I wish they’d explored LBH’s parents and their relationship (with him & each other) more…. & also Shen Yuan’s original life before he died…

[the-bounce-back]

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART V - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR CONFIDENCE

This is post 5/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully build your own confidence over time.

—————————————————————

So… we’re finally at the last post of the Confidence Chronicles. It’s taken its sweet (long-ass) time, but we finally got there in the end. Furthermore, it’s almost exactly a year ago since the idea for this series popped into my head, so this really has ended up coming full circle… albeit unintentionally. Not going to lie, it’s kind of a bittersweet feeling - it’s going to feel strange to not focus so heavily on confidence anymore, but on the other hand… I don’t have to focus so heavily on confidence anymore. Finally, I can bring my other post ideas that have been collecting dust in my drafts to life!

The funny thing is that although I started this series with a plan for what I was going to write about in each post, I never actually settled on what aspect of my confidence I wanted to end this series with. I figured that when the time came to write this, I would have a clear idea of what would be an appropriate note to wrap up the series on. 

Of course, at that point in time I didn’t know that the latter half of 2019 was going to turn my life upside down. I didn’t know that I was going to find myself in a massive slump due to stress, confusion and anxiety over my career, my direction and purpose in life and my role in the grand scheme of the world. I know it all sounds very melodramatic and like an excuse to not apply myself to complete my projects - which might be partially true - but the truth is that these questions have been weighing on me for a long time. Long before I started working on my mental health, long before I started this blog, long before moving back to the UK. I’ve been able to ignore these feelings for a long time, but lately they’ve been making themselves extremely hard to avoid. I think that the reason lies in that I’m soon going to be on what society likes to call the “wrong” side of 25, and that I still feel like I’m figuring out where my life is going… i.e. running around like a headless chicken.

However, this blog has really forced me to confront my fears in a way that counselling or confiding in someone I trust ever could - simply because it makes me work through my innermost thoughts and feelings alone. Attempting to address deeply buried issues in order to make my peace with them so I can move past it has been a very triggering process, and also extremely reliant on trial and error.

When you make an error in your healing process, it can be devastating and a major setback in your daily life. But when you get it right… the pain and hard work all becomes worth it. Trust me. There is nothing more satisfying than thinking of a past situation that used to make you feel like you had the weight of the world of the shoulders, and realising that although it felt like it at the time, it didn’t kill you. Hell, you’d even be able to go through it again and be confident you can make it through again, if you had to. One day you’ll even be able to laugh at the situations that once tore you down, and with your newfound confidence be able to realise that at the end of the day… it wasn’t that deep (or, at least, not deep enough to kill you).

For this reason, I want to tie the messages from the previous posts of this Confidence Chronicles series together to make this post - confidence in your newfound confidence. Once you build a solid foundation of confidence in all aspects of your life, the next step is learning to adjust to the newfound energy, positivity and motivation that this confidence manifests itself as. I personally learned (and - in certain cases - am still learning) how to harness this “power” in the following ways: 

1. Slowly but surely trusting myself to believe in my own capabilities.

Do you want to know something that’s funny but at the same time not  funny? If not, tough sh*t because here it comes: despite writing so extensively about confidence, my own levels of confidence are somewhat unreliable at best.

As I’ve mentioned countless times before, I never write blog posts when I’m in a bad place mentally. In fact, every single post (except one) on here is written when I’m in a great mood, my mind is clear, my confidence levels are unbeatable and I can write about my bad times in an objective manner that doesn’t end up making me sad. A quick scroll through my past posts prove that it’s so easy to assume that I’m 100% over the hard things that I’ve written about on here, simply because I’ve become so good at realising my own past mistakes and how I should move forward. However, in reality, there’s usually not a day that goes by without the topics crossing my mind.

I’ve been told many a time by friends that while I’m excellent at giving advice and knowing exactly what measures to take to get over a situation, I’m not very good at applying said advice to myself. It’s very true, and very frustrating - reading my own posts back makes me realise that I already have the tools and capabilities required to be able to heal, but so far I only seem to be able to use these tools when I’m in a good place. For this reason, I struggle a fair amount with self-doubt in my authenticity as a mental health blogger, because what’s the point of preaching about self-love, self-care and bettering your mental health if your own mental health is in a complete shambles from time to time?

However, it’s not all bad, because the more I apply myself to think of solutions, apply said solutions to my own life and start seeing the benefits of constantly working on myself, the more confident I become that one day I’ll get to a stage where I can confidently write about my issues without this nagging feeling that I’m a fraud. Additionally, g-checking myself from time to time and making sure that I am actually following my own advice makes me increasingly more secure in the knowledge that I am extremely emotionally intelligent and do have enough experience to change my own life, as well as others’. 

I think the main thing here is to keep on doing whatever it is you’re trying to improve upon, and allow yourself to appreciate how far you’ve come on your journey as opposed to solely focusing how long you have to go. Regardless of if you’re doubting your capabilities in the workplace, your body goals, your ability to adapt to new situations or your creative ventures - or a combination of all four - it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your progress.

Giving yourself a well-deserved pat on the back and focusing on how far you have come since the beginning gives you the chance to fully appreciate the hard work you’ve put in towards bettering yourself - which leads to you gradually feeling confident in trusting the power in your own capabilities over time.

2. Stopping the negative self-talk.

As it so happens, I have quite a dark and self-deprecating sense of humour - and so do many of my friends and my sister. Calling myself and others every offensive name under the sun as a joke is something that used to occur on a near daily basis, under the guise that it was all harmless banter. I’ve literally been doing this for as long as I can remember, but the past few months or so, I’ve really been trying to stop for a few reasons.

The main reason is that regardless of how harmless belittling your intelligence and capabilities as a joke may seem, doing it on a regular basis can lead to you internalising these notions and gradually starting to believe them. Although I genuinely thought that I was mentally resilient enough to be able to separate jokes from reality, whenever I’d fall into a bit of slump the first things that would come into my head were the things I’d said about myself as a joke. They would sting a lot, because in those moments I would genuinely believe them.

“God, I’m such a dumb b*tch”.

“Ugh, when did I become such a d*ckhead?”

“I swear to God.... I f*cking hate myself”

“Oh, great, so on top of being a dumb b*tch - I’m also a fat b*tch. Excellent”.

The mad thing is that I’m actually laughing while writing this, simply because I’m in a positive state of mind and know that it’s all a joke. I know I’m neither dumb, a d*ckhead, or fat. Nor do I hate myself anymore. But as soon as that Sunday night sadness hits (I know you all know what I’m talking about!), there I am - trying to choke back tears because I’ve managed to delude myself into thinking that the above is, in fact, true. For this reason, I’ve also tried to stop doing it to my friends, because I’d hate to think that they may be internalising something mean that I’ve said to them as a jOkE.

It’s also interesting to think why self-deprecating humour comes so easily to a lot of us. I can only speak for myself and certain friends that are similar to me in this aspect, but I genuinely think it’s because we’ve - very sadly - grown accustomed to being verbally abused and/or having our weaknesses constantly being picked at during our formative years - either in our home environments, school environments, or both. Instead of devising healthier methods of coping with and eliminating these internalisations, we’ve become reliant on using humour as a source of escapism from our nagging insecurities cast upon us by people around us. 

When I started seeing self-deprecating humour in this light, it actually made me quite sad. There I was, thinking that I should get into comedy for being so hilarious, when really it turned out to be just me being too scared to deal with my own insecurities. That’s when I knew things needed to change, and I’ve been working on this ever since.

Personally, the easiest way for me to reduce my negative self-talk has been to try to visualise how I would feel if a stranger (it used to be friends, but then I remembered that most of my friends are as tapped as I am) was saying it to me. I soon realised that if it had come from anyone else but myself or my friends, I’d be ready to throw hands over this literal verbal abuse. I am now trying my best to speak to and treat myself in the same way that a stranger or acquaintance would - with dignity, respect, honesty and with a regard for my own feelings (because, lo and behold, it is possible to be brutally honest and kind at the same time).

Of course, this is so much easier said than done - especially if you, like me, love a cheeky self-drag and dragging others (out of love, of course). However, this doesn’t have to mean that you can stop having fun - I’ve found that an eloquently worded drag meant to act as a wake-up call for me/someone else to improve my/their situation without having to resort to insults and name-calling is infinitely more creative, satisfying and efficient. Furthermore, I’ve found that g-checks that are based on constructive criticism as opposed to cruel insults give you a clearer image of how to improve yourself moving forward - which can only be a good thing.

Basically, just be patient and kind to yourself and others. Take on the constructive criticism received from yourself and your friends/family to work towards bettering yourself, and your confidence will follow.

3. Learning to trust the feelings of positivity and self-love.

This is by far the hardest one for me - and for good reason. When you’ve spent a large part of your teenage years and early adulthood believing that your capabilities and strengths are inadequate, that you’re ugly, that you’re not worthy of love and happiness, that your life has no purpose and that your family and friends would be better off without you, it’s nearly impossible to break free from this toxic downward spiral and to unlearn all of the behaviours and thought processes that have manifested as a result of these feelings. 

The keyword here is nearly.

Obviously, I can only speak for myself, but I would like to think that this could be applied to others as well. When I started this jOuRnEy, I honestly thought I’d never get to a place where I genuinely love every aspect of myself. Despite this, I kept pushing myself through the extremely triggering task of unpacking my toxic feelings - until one day I suddenly didn’t have them anymore. Or, at the very least, they suddenly no longer hurt me. Seemingly out of nowhere... I felt okay.

The sad but still understandable thing about suddenly coming to terms with who you are, what you’ve been through and feeling confident enough to move forward is that you don’t trust the feeling at first. At all. You tell yourself that it’s just one of the little upswings before everything comes crashing down around you again, dragging you back to step one, and you try to mentally prepare yourself for said downfall to happen.

But it doesn’t.

Sure, you might have little dips every now and again. You know that healing isn’t a linear process, so you assume that these little dips will lead to you spiralling again. But, to your surprise, they don’t - and you find yourself picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and moving forward with your life relatively unscathed and with more experience and wisdom than before. You start to get suspicious and a little scared because things are actually going alright for once. You’ve become so used to your life being so riddled with anxiety, insecurity, sadness and chaos and the good times being fleeting, that this new reality is extremely alien to you. 

This is where things can go one out of two ways.

Either your anxiety kicks in and you start self-sabotaging in different ways because you’re afraid that the longer things are going well, the harder the fall is going to be - so you might as well save yourself the pain by not pursuing things that could allow you to be happy. Or, you are able to tentatively start trusting and accepting the waves of love and positivity as your new reality - making you find the strength and confidence to move forward despite the past pain and hurt.

Personally, it took several rounds of self-sabotaging before getting to the point of learning to trust the positive feelings and  my confidence in all aspects of myself. I try not to beat myself up over all the opportunities I’ve turned down simply due to genuinely believing that I’m not good/smart/pretty/talented enough, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t make me sad from time to time. However, the more time that passes I get more and more confident that new, even better opportunities will come up for me - and I’ll be confident enough to embrace them without any hesitation when the time comes.

To wrap up this whole Confidence Chronicles series, I want to leave you all with this simple but true statement:

It gets better - if you’re willing to put in the work.

Regardless of which of the posts resonated with you the most, I need you to understand that building confidence takes time. I would even go as far as saying that it’s a never-ending journey, and that the learning to fully love and trust yourself and your capabilities is a never-ending process as life progresses. However, the more you work hard on your own betterment, the easier and smaller the challenges that arise from time to time become.

My ultimate wish is that we all one day can get to a place where we can trust ourselves enough to be happy and confident, regardless of what life throws at us. That whenever things that would usually send us down that spiral again pop up, we can just take a deep breath, count to ten, and be confident in the knowledge that the situation no longer has power over us, and that we will easily be able to work through it.

Until that day comes - never stop fighting.

Love,

Liv