#insecure about my looks in my late teens but that kinda went away when i moved away from my hometown and started dating people

[stellardeer]

BRO OKAY so like my whole life I have only had 2 people tell me that they think I have a big nose, one was this kid in high school who i did not like and he did not like me and he was trying to insult me and said something about me having a big nose and I was like lmao i dont even have a big nose try again, and he was like uhh yes you do! But he was the ONLY person who had ever said that and I brushed it off AND YET that ONE SINGULAR COMMENT stuck with me for years and had me checkin every now and then in the mirror but every time im like ??? I do not see it, I cannot possibly have a big nose, maybe a little round on the end, and I love big noses I don't even think there would be anything wrong with it if I did, but when I think of big nose I either think like wide and flat or like tall bridge, both of which are awesome but I simply do not have.

And then a couple years ago, about 12 years after the first comment, one of my friends was saying something about like facial features and how to compliment them and she said something like "yeah like when you have a bigger nose like you and me" and I was like "wait, *do* I have a big nose?? You are the second person to ever have told me that" and she was like "yeah a little bit, but not in a bad way, mine is too!" And tbh I dont think she does either, but like I have found myself now comparing my face to other people trying to figure out what qualifies as a big nose, and again, I'm not even that self conscious about it, I just genuinely dont see it

But just now. I was looking through saved snaps between me and my spouse cause we have a snap streak going so I just send him a random blurry selfie a lot of the time and he saves almost all of them (we love him ♡) and I stopped on one where I was laying down and I had taken a pic from like an angle below my chin, and I noticed it.. I realized that from the bottom... my nose DOES kinda look a little big, I mentioned it being round on the end, ykno, but it is not that noticeable from the front or side, and then I realized.... the only people who have ever told me that I have a big nose have been like half a foot shorter than me 😂

[gatitties]

HEY HEY HOW R U DOING. ITS FINALLY CHRISTMAS TIME SO MERRY CHRIMUH (2023 passed too fast…) im the one who asked for the strawhats x anxiety! Teen! Reader!!!! And im an angsty person so I just wanna ask…

Can you write Strawhats x struggling! Teen! Reader?? It’s the exact same reader btw, they’re strong and kind and helpful and so sweet, has a tough exterior even if they’re just a kid and the youngest on the ship. And when I mean struggling I mean that they deal with self h*te, their anxiety got worse and so on. They didn’t plan to tell the crew but the crew has noticed their behavior. How they go to their room instead of playing with them like they used to, how they just sit down and zone out, a habit of their’s being to put their hand up to their face and rub in annoyance and stress just like they do with the hand on the chest when they’re anxious. The crew sees them being gloomy when they’re alone or whenever the adults look away (putting on the facade) and the reader doesn’t look like they’re taking care of themselves and they’re looking tired and unmotivated.

(kinda describing me a lil bit I just wanna see my comfort characters react to this sorta thing-)

And they finally confront her about it and after some convincing they finally spill all thats inside and get the love that they don’t think they deserve!!! I love angst sorry…

(Before I wrote this I checked through your rules to see if this kinda thing wasn’t allowed. I didn’t see anything opposing my idea but just know that if you feel uncomfy with this sorta thing then thats ok and you can just ignore this ask.❤️ Or maybe you could reply with a little “no” just so me and others know that ur not ok with it. I wanna be respectful!)

ANYWAY I HOPE U HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. PLEASE AND TY.

─Strawhats x teen!reader (platonic)

─Summary: You thought everything would be fine after your anxiety attacks subsided, but it was just the calm before your mind played with you.

─Warnings: none

(Related post)

ayy sorry I'm a little late with this one but here it is 😭, I hope you had a good Christmas, that you started the year on the right foot and may everything go well for now!! 😌

─ You thought your anxiety attacks would end once you confessed how you felt to the crew, partially accepting their help, and while it worked for a while, you went back into your shell.

─ The mind of adolescents is incredibly moldable, and yours decided to take the most contemptuous path towards yourself, the attacks were controlled, but the self-hatred that you began to feel towards yourself made them return.

─ You felt guilty and your pride did not allow you to seek help a second time, feeling that you would be more of a nuisance to the rest.

─ Your appearance underwent changes as well as your behaviors, your energy was drained, you began to lock yourself in your room more, not be present at group celebrations…

─ Eventually they noticed your sudden change again, everything was fine and from one day to the next you become like a stranger with them again, Robin could notice it instantly.

─ All your actions gave you away, but Chopper recognized the signs of anxiety, your rapid breathing, your eyes moving uncontrollably, although he did not understand why you touched your face so much, he thought it was one of the causes of your anxiety.

─ They accepted that you were a stubborn teenager, but this had to be nipped in the bud just as Nami said once she found out that your anxiety attacks had gotten worse lately, since the indirect way of helping wasn't working now.

─ It was much more stressful for you that they decided to confront you directly, since you used to run away from conversations related to your well-being, being something that you feel insecure talking about, you preferred to avoid it.

─ You tried to escape from that talk with bad excuses, but Sanji's kindness made you sit in the chair like a scolded child.

─ Jinbe silenced Luffy because he knew that he was going to be too direct with you, and although they wanted to be, they needed a little tact to talk to you, Usopp took care of that.

─ You avoided eye contact for most of the talk, not wanting to confront them while you spoke.

─ Again, you ended up crying as you let your feelings come to light, you felt trapped enough to let it all out, much more sincerely than the previous time, feeling a little embarrassed by your cruel thoughts towards you.

─ Luffy scolded you again, but he gave you the best hug you could have received in years, everyone joined in afterwards, except Zoro, who watched from afar with a small smile.

─ You felt calmer after the talk, but it will still be difficult for you to express yourself about how you feel, they assured you that it was okay, that it was okay to want to have some time alone when you feel bad, but that they will always be there to help you with all your problems whatever they are.

[sergeantcowboy]

Hey I'm gonna pretend like the western worlds decent toward facism isn't a thing and that the already fundamendally flawed democratic system of the US isn't actively collapsing in on itself as we speak, I'm gonna share some oc facts.

(In all seriousness: to all my american followers or whoever happens to see this please stay safe. If you're part of any of the groups trageted by the right wing please keep yourself alive, they want you gone and just being alive is already resistance. I believe in you.)

Wow look at that! OC facts! (Mainly Crow's backstory and family stuff)

TW: parental death

Crow was born in New Jersey to a teen mom who had him at 16. He spent the majority of his childhood being raised by his grandparents.

His mom still lived with them, aside from some of the time in his early childhood where she attended community college for a bit.

She's a very nice woman and did her best but she was mostly clueless about parenting. Even as a small child Crow recognized her insecurity in that area but he still loved her.

His full name is Simon Francis Trevino. At this point he's so used to Crow he actually reacts a millisecond later when someone calls him by his actual name.

He hasn't met his father but at this point he isn't even really interested in the guy. His mom didn't talk about him much either.

Crow got bullied as a kid. He did have some friends in the neighborhood, but not anyone at school. He went to a catholic school that was in a different area, meanwhile his neighborhood friends went to the local public school.

His family is originally from the domican republic, both of his grandparents were born there. His grandfather's family immigrated to the US when he was still a child. His grandmother immigrated to the US as a young adult.

He speaks spanish very poorly, much to his grandparents disappointment.

His grandpa is kinda too into toxic masculinity, he has tried to raise Crow to be "manlier" from day one.

He's also not a fan of the fact that Crow likes other guys but he's not outright disowning him over it. He's just kinda awkward about it.

Same with his grandma, she's leaning on being more accepting though.

Both still prefer to call him "creative" or "different" if it comes up around extended family or neighbors.

Around the time Crow was 13 he got into a fight with a bully over a stolen diary. The fight got more violent than anticipated and the bully ended up hitting Crow's head on the pavement, resulting in his eyebrow scar.

As per tradition in school, they both got expelled for a week for fighting, despite the fact that the bully had been the one stealing Crow's property. The bully was also clearly the one with the upperhand in the situation. Crow did start the fight... cough

Crow had already been lashing out a bit at some of his classmates for the bullying, and after that incident he was officially branded as a "problem child" by the school.

His grandparents made the decision to send him to bullworth academy, partially to set him straight (not like that) and partially to "toughen up" a bit.

Around the same time they, along with Crow's mom, had been planning that she could take full custody of him and move away to learn more independence and also have a more "conventional family life". So instead of just sending Crow to live in the dorms, he and his mom moved to bullworth where they rented an apartment and his mom went on to work from part-time job to job.

She even worked as a maid for the Harrington household for a bit, before being diagnosed with breast cancer and getting fired so that the Harringtons could avoid having to pay any sick leave.

Her cancer was diagnosed late, so it was already at stage IV, and it was one of the more aggressive forms of breast cancer (triple-negative).

Despite getting help from his grandparents, they could barely afford the treatments. Crow started doing odd jobs around town and eventually started selling stuff at school for some more cash. It proved to be more profitable than he initially thought, he was around 14 years old at the time.

Crow and his mom had already made plans to move back to New Jersey to save more money and to be more around family, but she passed away before that could happen.

Crow went back to New Jersey for a bit, attending her funeral and taking a break from school, but after a month he and his grandparents made the decision to send him back to Bullworth where he'd live in the dorms now.

Crow continued his side business at school mainly because he realized he liked the adrenaline rush of doing something that wasn't allowed, and that was before he was even selling cigarettes and alcohol.

At the age of 15 he started getting into that part of his business as well. He also started spending time in his dorm room learning how to forge signatures just to make counterfeit hall passes and such.

He also started smoking because he got too curious about cigarettes. And, well... he already had some packs to sell, might as well try one.

He doesn't stay at bullworth during christmas, preferring to go to his grandparents house.

Even though he spends a most of his time there doing chores and helping around the house.

And even though he doesn't like dressing up to go church every christmas morning.

He still wants to see his family.

And visit his mother's grave.

[tokrev-roses]

Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss

First Kiss HC

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None, mention of cliché teen-romance tropes

Characters: Manjiro Sano, Ken Ryuguji, Chifuyu Matsuno, Keisuke Baji

❧ Manjiro Sano (Mikey)

Your first kiss with Mikey would be the worst day of your life

I mean it. You even thought about moving countries afterwards

You see…Mikey is not the easiest person to be in a relationship with

You would have to initiate most of the “normal” relationship stuff

And taking the first step with someone like Mikey can be intimidating

Depending on the situation you are in he might even stop you and your attempts, e.g., when you try anything in the middle of a Toman meeting. He has no problem calling you out

So, you would have to plan it beforehand and get the timing right

You would have to be alone, like after he took you out on his bike. A quiet moment where he is your Mikey completely and not Toman’s invincible leader

A warm summer night sounds just perfect, doesn’t it?

you gather all your courage, sweaty palms, shaky breath, every possible emotion and thought in your racing mind

You’d both be leaning against his bike, watching the night sky when you turn towards him, take his face between your palms, giving him a soft peck.

Your initial determination crumbled when he did not respond the slightest. He was frozen in place and a million and one different things went through your head, with the conclusion that you’d have to convince your parents to move out of Tokyo

Thinking your life was over, you turned around to run away, like the girls in your typical teen-movies, but something or someone kept you in place

You hadn’t noticed him holding your wrist, so your only way of escaping the situation was to look away

Mikey didn’t understand why you’d kiss him only to run away afterwards

He didn’t really know what to do next, cue to him giving you a peck that reflected yours, short and sweet

now you were both speechless

„Ahh, I’m sleepy.“

“What?”

That’s how he lightened the situation

You never talked about it afterwards, but little pecks in private became a ritual for you two

❧ Ken Ryuguji

your first kiss would happen sometime after you started dating

as I have states before, I do think Ken has both, experience and maturity, so he would be in no rush at all and give you full control of the pace your relationship develops

but he is good at reading you, so he understands when you are ready depending on the signals you give him

let’s say he brought you home after a late-night adventure (walking through shibuya and enjoying the atmosphere, yes please)

when it is time to say goodbye, you would give him the usual hug, wrists locked behind neck while standing on your tiptoes

he hugs you back, arms around your waist and his head on yours

you could have stood there for hours, but as all good things, even this one had to end. so you let go of each other, slowly.

your hands barely hold onto his shoulder, you can't stop looking into each others eyes, a fond smile on his lips, your reddened cheeks, that would be the moment for the both of you

you meet in the middle, your lips on his upper lip, while he kissed your lower lip

he holds you up, even lifts you a bit, since the pure ecstasy of the moment makes your legs all wobbly

best boy to have your first kiss with, will make you feel so comfortable and loved

when you both let go you once again can’t help but stare at each other (the loving way) and there is no reason for any of you to be embarrassed, so there is no shame between you, only fondness

❧ Chifuyu Matsuno

Inexperienced, but eager to try and willing to learn, that’s Chifuyu for you

Small steps to test the water, to find out, if you want him to kiss you and because forehead, cheek and nose kisses are not as hard as kisses on the lips

His very first physical interaction with you would be hand holding, once you made it through that, cheek kisses will follow shortly

Would happily accept you to be the one initiating it, but has no problem doing it himself. He doesn’t see cheek kisses as a “girls only” thing. 

It is a sign of affection, but would use it as a way to make the whole matter more playful, e.g., to tease you in front of your friends

Forehead kisses as a sign of his support and to comfort you, nose kisses to make you laugh

Plans to make your first kiss romantic and enjoyable for you...

Only for it to happen on accident while he tried to tease you with a cheek kiss

You noticed him behind you, but you were in a conversation with your friend

Your back to his chest, you thought he would rest his head on your shoulder, like he usually does, so you planned to greet him with the obligatory cheek kiss

Problem was, he planned to do the same

Long story short, you were met with soft lips and the very surprised face of your Chifuyu

The situation was so funny, your friend had to turn around to stop herself from laughing, since the both of you stood there, frozen in place, staring at each other and it was the most unromantic moment ever

Yet no one moved

Until the both of you broke out into laughter at the same time

It started with an embarrassed chuckle and turned into holding-my-stomach-because-of-the-pain laughter

“You should have seen yourself, looking like a frog.”

“Says the one who stared at me like a fish out of water”

 ❧ Keisuke Baji

Baji is the type to do something before thinking about it, so it would be that way with your first kiss as well

Wouldn’t know what to do at all – when, where, how, its a mystery to him

He sees it like a battle he needs to get over with to reach the next level, and after enough teasing from his friends, who have more experience than he does, he would finally do it

At the worst possible moment, of course

Like, right in the middle of the school hallway or just before an important exam

Because Keisuke Baji is determined to do things once he has made up his mind about them, no matter what

A loud “Oi” would make you (and many other people around you) turn around

He aims straight for you, long steps, flowing hair, a determined gaze – kinda scary and kinda attractive

One deep breath once he stood in front of you, before he lowered his head and just went for it

Your first kiss was far from what you imagined it to be

Keisuke put way too much force into it, simply pressing his lip on yours like it would do the job, while holding your arms to keep you in place

He pressed his eyes together while you looked at him with yours wide open, completely taken by surprise

It would end as soon as it happened, him removing his lips from yours, freeing you from your trap

You’re both speechless, and that was the moment Baji noticed your surroundings and your visible surprise for the first time

He blushed like a little boy

And hated himself for it

Cue to him trying to leave the scene, with you, of course

Since it happened very early in your relationship (or even before you entered said relationship) it was an interesting experience for the both of you

was way more uncomfortable than you were after realizing what he did, and, god, did he look cute, being all bashful

Like a little schoolboy, your little schoolboy

He fully blames his friend for the outcome (and might even beat them up, playfully)

what do you think of this? I’m not as satisfied as I hoped to be when I first began writing this...I don’t know...Are they out of character? Am I too insecure? I’m so sorry if this hasn’t turned out too good.

Rosalie🌹

[issaxcharlie]

Something so right

Pairing: Alive! Luke x Fem reader

Summary: A date with the golden boy of the school reveals Y/N’s and Luke's true feelings for each other and they have no choice but to face what they feel. Who will take the first step?

(The fragments of the song are from Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift)

Luke Patterson was more impatient than usual. 7:30 pm and no sign of his best friend, the one who had never missed a Sunset Curve rehearsal in these two years that they had been playing together.

“Am I the only one worried about Y/N? She is not usually late."

Reggie slaps his forehead, a memory snapping back into his head. "I forgot to tell you she won't be here today, she said something about a date."

The guitarist feels a punch in the stomach, he tries to hide how bitter the news fell on him, but his friends know him better than that.

“A date? With who?” Alex asks, genuinely curious.

“Austin Grayson.”

“Ugh, really Y/N?” But of course it had to be the school's golden boy. Luke can't help not feeling insecure. Austin Grayson is everything Luke Patterson isn't, and that scares him. What if that's what she's really looking for in a partner? He just wouldn’t stand a chance.

“Nice, he really has to like her to invited her despite what everyone says." Bobby responds as he takes advantage of the short break to rest his hands. Reggie and Alex nodding in agreement.

“What do they say?” Luke asks, completely lost.

“Oh please, most of the school thinks you guys are dating. There isn't a day that I don't hear someone call her Patterson’s girl." Alex replies, and Luke looks even more lost.

He can somehow understand why they would think that, he always enjoys having her and feeling her close. Usually touching her hand or arm in some way, hugging her whenever he sees fit. Carrying her books in the hallways or supporting her at her basketball games, just like she accompanies them to all the band's rehearsals and performances, or how she sometimes wears to school the clothes that he 'accidentally' leaves at her home when her mom invites him to dinner. On second thought, it’s easy to understand the confusion.

You don’t know what is happening. Austin is sweet, handsome, smart, and yet you feel nothing. Forced yourself to laugh falsely all night, and couldn't help but think that it would have been more fun to join the boys in rehearsal, especially when they were only a few days away from Sunset Curve's first performance at school.

When you finally get home, you walk with your head on the floor, trying not to make eye contact with your date. Austin gently grabs your chin so you turn to see him.

A fake cough from behind causes you both to jump away from each other. You don't even have to turn to find out who owns that perfect timed cough.

“What are you doing here?” You refuse to turn around, but you know he's smirking anyway.

“It’s movie night, love.” You force one more smile towards Austin as you curse Luke under your breath, who emphasized the last word in that seductive deep voice he sometimes does when he sings and that secretly melts your legs.

“Patterson." Austin tries to get past the awkward moment by participating in the conversation, and Luke responds by approaching and placing his arm on your shoulder.

"Grayson. Thank you for bringing her safe and sound." He sounds sincere, and that makes you smile for real for the first time of the night.

“It was nothing... I should go. Goodnight Y/N, I had a great time.”

Luke lowers his arm from your shoulder and leans back, ashamed of his rare moment of insecurity and letting you say goodbye to the boy.

As soon as he leaves, you turn to see your best friend, who looks sadly at the ground, and you hug him tightly.

Luke has been through very difficult months, and it is easy for someone who is vulnerable to feel insecure, especially in situations new to them. Not to mention that you are definitely not going to fight with the person you love for putting his arm on your shoulder or calling you in an affectionate way, which are things that he usually does, guy in your doorstep or not. You decide that he showing a little jealousy for once is not the end of the world.

“I missed you so much, rockstar.” You murmur still against his chest, your statement only makes him hold you tighter. You can't help but think about how just hugging him for a few seconds makes you so much happier than the whole date you just had.

“I’m sorry for making a scene. No wonder everyone thinks we are dating.“

“I don’t mind. I couldn't wear your cool flannels or your necklaces if I was dating someone. Plus it would take away valuable time that I can use as the president of the Sunset Curve fan club.” He chuckles. You can feel his body relax and his heartbeat begins to calm down. He gives you a sweet kiss in your hair before letting you go.

Best friends walk into the house, and as Y/N goes to change into something more comfortable Luke sits at the kitchen counter to chat with his second female best friend.

"You have to do something quick, I don't want to have you here crying and eating ice cream while she's on some date with some graceless snob.”

The guitarist can't help but laugh. Y/N's mom has always been a music lover and one of his greatest inspirations. She gave him his first guitar and taught him how to play, always supporting him in each of his steps as a musician. She has always loved him like a son, believing in him with all her might and always blindly entrusting him with what she loves most in the world, her daughter Y/N.

“I know, I will I promise. What I felt today when I saw Grayson touch her face and so close to her lips... I never want to experience that again. I was thinking maybe at homecoming? Sunset Curve is going to perform.”

She wrinkles her nose in response and Luke laughs again.

"Yeah too much information, I’m sorry. And I know, but we have to start somewhere. As soon as we get booked at a good enough club you'll be the first guest.”

They both make a pinky promise and smile.

“I’ll make you proud someday. I swear.”

“I’m always proud of you, my sweet boy. I know you’ll do amazing things, just take good care of my princess during tours.”

“You know I will.” They pinky promise again and reunite with Y/N in the living room to watch movies til the teens fall asleep cuddling.

Homecoming day arrived and you don’t have a partner. It is not hard to imagine why, being surrounded by at least one of the Sunset Curve members 24/7, especially Luke who tries to be close to you as much as possible, as if he is afraid that you will forget him if you spend too much time separated. Which is actually something you like, if you are honest with yourself. Is not something you would tell him but feeling him close and having his attention devoted to you most of the time feels quite special.

The date with Austin didn’t feel right and only confirmed what you've been trying to deny yourself for months. You are in love with freakin Luke Patterson. And you are in really deep, loving the good, bad, fun, boring, charming, and annoying parts, absolutely every side of him. And now is the time to finally do something about it.

After the guys show tonight, even more girls will be raining down on them than usual and things could get really messy, it's best to make your move first. Inside your heart you know that he feels the same, and if he doesn't have the courage to act on it then you will.

The first and most important thing you need to do to get the operation going is to kidnap Reggie, Alex and Bobby.

After a little threatening session everyone sang about Luke's idea for tonight, which made you grin like an idiot and feel more confident about your plan. The surprise that he will get when he sees how you sabotaged his plan.

Convincing Luke that it was best for you to come on your own so that they would have more time to prepare was not easy, but in the end you succeeded.

He's not a suit kinda person, but you went along with him to get a dark blue one that looked unreal on him just a few weeks ago, and you knew he would find a way to wear it sleeveless so he will look even more irresistible. You opted for a black dress that fades beautifully to blue towards the bottom of the skirt and in which you really look pretty good If you can say it yourself.

Sunset Curve finishes singing the first song, Now or never. It's time for the song Luke wrote for you, but he turns to see his friends scared when he still can't find you in the crowd. They smile at him and start to play the song they practiced with you just a few hours before.

“The way you move is like a full on rainstorm, and I'm a house of cards. You're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kinda know that I won't get far.”

You walk onto the stage as you start the first verse, Luke is shocked for a few seconds but then grins from ear to ear.

“And you stood there in front of me just... close enough to touch.” He recovers much faster than expected and pulls you by the waist towards him, just the microphone separating you two while he looks at you with the most seductive face you’ve ever seen.

“'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile... Get me with those green eyes, baby as the lights go down.” He blushes a little and smiles while his eyes are locked on your lips, capturing every move.

After what seems like an eternity, the song ends and before you can even say thank you, Luke's lips crash against yours, and it’s even better than what you’ve dreamed plenty of times. All the people start screaming, but you especially hear Reggie and Alex a few steps away who sound pretty happy for you.

“Reggie, an issue occurred, I have to go, sing home is where my horse is if you want to.” Luke whispers to his friend, before effortlessly carrying you off the stage.

“Admit it, you just want to touch my legs.” You joke while he walks with you on his shoulder.

“I’m in love with a really smart girl.” You stay quiet, your heart wants to jump out of your chest and you don’t even want to imagine how red your face is right now.

The guitarist finally brings you down when you leave the building, and you both walk to the park next door, where you met when you were just kids.

"Do you remember exactly how we met?" He asks while taking your hand.

“Reggie and Alex teamed up to destroy you in a game they invented and I was the only one in the park, so you invited me to join your team. And when we managed to win you said that we were the best duo on the face of the earth, that we had to be best friends forever."

“I sound very intense.”

“You are.”

They both laugh at the memory.

"You were still right."

“When did you finally realize that you loved me?” Luke asks, smirking playfully.

“I've known for a long time, but I didn't dare to admit it until recently.”

He completely accepts my answer and sincerity and smiles at me.

“I always knew that we would end up together, you eat me with your eyes when I'm not wearing a shirt.”

His teasing takes effect and you blush just remembering him in that situation.

He smiles cheekily and then takes mercy on you and changes the subject.

“So, we are the best duo on the face of the earth, best friends forever, and now an official couple?”

“That’s right, handsome and smart. Nice.”

Both approach until their lips touch, the kiss begins calm but quickly becomes more passionate, his tongue claiming every inch of your mouth, his arms strong on your hips. You let this amazing sensations envelop you and you lose yourself in him, happier than you've ever been.

When you are with the right person, everything feels just right.

Thank you for reading!

Taglist:

@siennanoelle01 , @totomoshi , @kiss-themoongoodbye , @writerinlearning

[starglow-xx]

retrouvaille

nakajima atsushi x f!reader

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: hurt comfort, fluff

warning! : mentions of abuse

type of work: one-shot

synopsis: he left the orphanage, and that meant he had to leave you too; fortunately, this time, it seems like the universe was on your side

a/n: this is kinda self indulgent bc ive been feeling kinda down lately...?? and this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now and i havent posted in a while so killing three birds w/ one stone ig

the word retrouvaille is a french noun...

The moment you stepped foot into the armed detective agency, heterochromia eyes met your (e/c) ones.

You notice several agents talking and walking over to assist you, but you drown them out only having focus on the gray haired male ten feet away from you.

Said male takes a small step forward with uncertainty and disbelief laced in his voice.

“(y-y/n)...?” 

At the sound of your name, your eyes immediately begin to water and with pure relief in your voice, you softly sob his name; the name of the boy who comforted you when you were both still in that wretched place.

“Atsushi...”

With all hesitation gone, Atsushi runs over to you shoving through his surprised and confused coworkers and wraps his arms tightly around you.

The force of the hug causes the both of you to stumble and harshly crash to the ground beneath you.

But the two of you didn’t care.

In his arms was a person Atsushi thought he’d never be able to see again.

In his arms was the same girl who snuck him food from the kitchens, the girl who stole medical supplies from the infirmary to treat his wounds, to take care of him when he was sick, and the girl who received punishment after punishment for insisting on staying with him inside his damn cell.

You gave him happiness in place where he should’ve never been able to receive it.

As if he ever felt like he deserved it in the first place.

You’re too good for him, but yet you still chose him.

You, his sweet and kind, his so very kind, and so very beautiful girlfriend, chose him, the cursed, good for nothing orphan.

The orphanage staff treated you considerably better before the two of you were acquainted, so Atsushi knew he was the problem. That he was the reason why tears would fall onto your beautiful face, why bruises and scars would litter your arms and legs, and why the staff would call you awful, degrading nicknames about you and or your virtue.

He had always thought that he wasn’t good for you, that he didn’t deserve you, that you could do better, but you stayed by his side regardless of his fears and insecurities, and provided him the strength and comfort he had always been deprived of.

And to his very surprise, he found that you found your own strength and comfort in him.

So he knew that you must of cried for weeks after he was kicked out, that you must’ve been devastated to wake up one morning only to learn that he was gone without a trace.

There wasn’t a single day that he never thought of you.

Atsushi wanted to go back for you, he really did; he wanted to storm into the orphanage with members of the armed detective agency, his new family, right at his tail before eventually reuniting with you.

But he didn’t do that.

Ultimately, he chose to leave you out of the mess that came with his job knowing that you would be eventually targeted and used against him if anyone found out about what he had with you.

So he kept quiet.

No mafioso, government agent, foreign organization, nor agency member had a clue about your connection with him, much less your existence.

He told himself that when things have calmed down by a considerable amount, he would go back and get you, with or without the agency backing him up.

Unfortunately, he knew that time of peace was far from the present.

But to see you, in your beautiful glory, standing at the threshold of the agency? 

His original plan to keep you away from Yokohoma flew out the damn window. 

At the sight of you, his heart did backflips and his legs almost gave out. 

Ignoring the jelly feeling in his legs and the loud pounding of his heart, he raced around the desks and his coworkers—nearly fully crashing into Dazai in the process—to once more engulf you into his arms.

As for you?

When you saw him, you felt like you were going to pass out.

Your legs grew weak, your entire body was shaking, and tears started to fall down your face.

He was here.

He was safe and he was alive.

You mourned his abrupt disappearance from the orphanage and spent most of your time worrying about his well being.

The staff thought you were pathetic, that you sulked and cried over someone who they thought should disappear off the face of the earth.

They could insult and beat you all you want, but you drew the line when it came to Atsushi.

Finally having enough of everything, you planned your escape.

You were patient; you never jumped the gun nor gave anything away. You planned everything to the very last, minute detail, and after a few more months of abuse and waiting, you put your plan into action and left in the dead of night.

Thankfully, a kind old couple took you after you had collapsed in the streets. You worked job after job after job to return everything they had spent on your behalf even after they had told you not to worry about it.

And after another few weeks, you finally caught wind of your lost boyfriend tracking him down to Yokohoma through an old newspaper article.

Knowing your boyfriend, and yourself, you knew that tears would easily escape both of your eyes due to the long duration of your separation, but you weren’t expecting to find yourself crashing onto the floors of the armed detective agency curtesy of Atsushi. 

But, you wouldn’t have it any other way because in your arms was the boy who gave you comfort during the most darkest days in the orphanage, the boy who laid you in his lap or on his stomach stroking your hair so you would fall asleep, and the boy who often threw himself in front of you so you would remain unharmed.

You choked on your sobs as you tightened your own hold on him and they gradually grew louder as you buried your face into the shoulder of his white button up.

Through his own choked sobs and teary eyes, Atsushi gently maneuvered the two of you so that you would be lying on his stomach—a familiar position the two of you would lay in back in the orphanage.

He gently stroked his fingers through your hair and softly rubbed your back as he whispered the familiar sweet nothings into your ears.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay...”

“I’m here, just let it all out..”

Overwhelmed with your emotions, his sweet words only started to make you cry more.

You’ve missed him so much.

Your tears easily soaked his both his shirt and his neck, and you tried to speak only for you to choke up. Atsushi simply just started to shush you—as you would to a baby—and placed a kiss to your forehead as he continued to comfortingly stroke your hair and rub your back.

With the both of you off into your own little world, a world consisting only of the two of you, reactions and looks from the Armed Detective Agency went unnoticed.

It didn’t take long for them to realize the kind of relationship you and Atsushi had.

But what surprised them was Atsushi’s behavior.

The young adult they knew tended to be unsure of everything, including himself, and stammered whenever he was nervous.

But the young adult currently in front of them had this new aura of maturity; he didn’t hesitate to touch you or to comfort you, and for the first time they’ve seen in a while, he was sure of himself; he wasn’t nervous at all.

With the amount of comfortability Atsushi had around you, and the tender, loving care he showered you in, it was clear that you certainly were someone special to their tiger.

Your sobs slowly turned to small hiccups, and Atsushi’s face turned to one of pure tranquility and content, having his lover back in his arms.

Although having calmed down, what Atsushi said to you next made you want to start bawling all over again.

“I’m sorry I left you, and I promise I didn’t forget about you,” he whispered softly, “I thought of you every day. I still do. The thought of being able to see you again is what kept me going.”

You buried yourself further into his shoulder as you gripped his white button up in your hands.

“And thanks to the armed detective agency, I’m stronger now. I won’t let anybody hurt you, not anymore. That, I promise you.”

Actually taking a look up from you, Atsushi ended up locking eyes with Dazai, who had a gentle look on his face.

His senior only closed his eyes, tilted his head down softly, and lightly chuckled before opening his brown eyes once more, giving Atsushi a look of approval.

The gray haired teen’s eyes widened slightly as he looked around the room only to be met with similar looks of approval and gentleness from his seniors and coworkers.

He felt his eyes tear up again, but instead let out a relieved sigh as he tightened his hold on you slightly.

“Hey Atsushi...” you softly murmured.

Equally as soft, he answered, “Yes (y/n)?”

“...I love you...”

Your lover smiled before placing another kiss onto your forehead.

“I love you too (y/n)”

At last, the girl he loved was back in his arms, and the boy you loved was back within your reach.

And neither of you were ever going to let each other go again.

and it means, the joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation, a rediscovery

as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[conservativetranny]

2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit. 

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on. 

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible. 

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others’ dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

[free-pool-trash]

dangerous game - ii

hey! it’s here! this part is kinda just setting stuff up so i can knock it down in a hot minute 😌✌ let me know what you think ;)

word count: 2.5k

warning(s): yummy teen angst, petty kings and queens, i don’t think i swore but like swearing

taglist:  @badluckposting - @c0-77 - @my-remical-chomance 

let me know if you wanna be added xoxo

READ DANGEROUS GAME FIRST!!!!!

masterlist

(gif not mine :))

Walking away from Peter was harder than you thought it would be. You figured you were angry enough that calling him out and shutting him down wouldn’t have phased you, but as you walked away from your room where you’d left him you felt absolutely shattered.

Your heart was in your stomach, weighing it down and making you feel sick. 

Every time you blinked tears would fall and you had to bite your cheek to stop yourself from sobbing out loud.

You were sure you’d made the right choice in standing up to Peter, he’d hurt you so badly and you couldn’t let him get away with it so easily. Despite how sure of yourself you were, you still couldn’t shake the look on his face when you walked away from him, looking at him in that moment let you know that he was experiencing first hand what he had put you through, but that made you feel even worse. You never wanted to hurt him like that, yet in true full circle fashion, you had.

As you walked through the hallways lost in your own thoughts, you didn’t notice the concerned looks you were receiving from the other girls in the corridor. They all knew better than to ask if you were okay, most of them had heard the argument you’d just had and they all knew about the tension between you and the speedster prior to said argument.

In all honesty you weren’t sure where you were headed, all you wanted was to be as far away from Peter and his hurt puppy dog facial expressions as you could. You also really needed a hug.

The confrontation had taken it out of you, you felt drained and you really needed to let the sobs you’d been holding back escape you, a good shoulder to cry on was exactly what you needed.

You kept walking, tears still streaming down your face, until you were no longer in the girls dorm area. The concerned looks continued as you dragged your feet further into the academy, towards the common room where your friends would most likely be hanging out. 

When you got to the common room, Jubilee, Kurt and Warren were the only ones there. Jean and Scott probably had some kind of date night, you thought as you walked into the room quietly. 

Two couches face each other in the room, Kurt and Jubilee occupied one while Warren sat alone on the one opposite and instinctively you went to the couch with the biggest amount of vacant space. 

You all but threw yourself into the winged boy’s side, not wasting a second before you finally let out a sob, tears rushing from your eyes and soaking his shirt. Immediately Warren’s arm was holding you against him, his hand rubbing your arm soothingly as you cried into his chest.

Jubilee bounced to her feet, detaching from Kurt who she’d been snuggling up to before your arrival and rushed over to you, she plopped herself down beside you and gently pried you away from Warren’s side.

Her hands held your arms and her brows furrowed at your red nose and puffy eyes. Why was her best friend crying and who did she need to kill?

“Babe! Why are you crying?” She asked, concern growing as you broke into a fresh set of tears at her question and fell into her shoulder this time.

Sniffling and trying to catch your breath you tried to gasp out an answer, “I t-talked- I talked to P-Pet-” You didn’t even manage to finish your explanation as you broke down again, reminding Jubilee of a small child that just scraped it’s knee.

Jubilee sighed sadly and wrapped her arms around you tightly as she understood what you were trying to say.

“What’d he say?” She asked once you’d settled down, stroking your hair as your cheek rested against her colourfully clothed shoulder.

“He came up to say he was sorry. He told me he and Heather broke up and then he-” You started before getting worked up again and needing to take a break before you finished, “Then he told me that he loves me.”

Jubilee’s eyes widened, Kurt’s brows furrowed and Warren scoffed.

“What did you say!?” Jubilee asked with a shout as she pulled away to get a good look at you.

Taking a deep breath, you leaned back against the couch, comfortably squashed between Warren and Jubilee as Kurt sat across from you all on the edge of his seat.

“Well- he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship and I told him that if he really loved me he wouldn’t have done what did.” Warren looked at you with squinted eyes, there was something else getting under your skin.

“Anything else?” Warren asked, eyebrow raising as you chewed on the inside of your cheek nervously.

After a few seconds you nodded and glanced around at your friends, “When I brought up the whole leaving me for Heather thing he got really defensive and started saying that I moved on pretty fast." 

Warren glared at the thought of it and turned his body to be facing you more comfortably, "The hell did he mean by that?”

“He was jealous of you actually.” You told the blond, lip trapped between your teeth- the whole situation making you anxious.

Warren rolled his eyes and pulled you back into him, almost in defiance to what he’d just been told. He wouldn’t admit it to you but he was glad Peter was jealous of him.

Warren wasn’t exactly proud of it but as soon as he saw Peter beginning to slip away from you, he slid right in between the gaps to take his place. Unlike everyone else at the academy, at the beginning, you were one of the only people who wasn’t afraid of him and he clung to that kindness. 

Not only were you kind but as he got to know you he came to discover that you were funny, easygoing, strong-willed, an incredible fighter and to him you came across like some kind of goddess.

He was happy with just being your friend, everyone knew that you had a thing for Peter and that he had one for you too so Warren stayed back. However as soon as you started getting knocked down by, in Warren’s opinion, Peter’s asshole behavior he had no choice but to be there to pick you up off the ground.

He was so genuinely happy that Peter was jealous, because that’s how he felt every time the silver haired boy would throw his arm around you or when he’d make you laugh so hard that you had tears in your eyes. Warren always wanted that to be him and in the last few months it had been, he’d picked you up, been your shoulder to cry on, your secret drinking buddy after a successful mission and recently he’d mastered the art of making you laugh when you were close to tears or even making you laugh so hard that you’re left in tears.

Not to get him wrong, Peter was his friend and he wanted you guys to resolve your issues and make up, but what he didn’t want was for Peter to come back into your life and wreck everything Warren had worked so hard for. He was your first love, Warren could acknowledge that and accept it for what it was, but he was determined to be your next love, maybe even your last if things went well.

He wanted you and Peter to be friends again- just friends.

And as you settled into Warren’s side he shook his head when you sighed out, “I just feel bad, he looked pretty bummed when I told him I wasn’t gonna forget about this.”

“You shouldn’t.” Warren declared and Jubilee and Kurt nodded in agreement.

“He’s right, (Y/n). So what if he’s jealous, he started it.” To which you couldn’t argue, Jubilee was right, he had started it but at the end of the day you didn’t want to run the risk of losing one of your best friends for good because of childish pride.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” You sighed in exhaustion and leaned into Warren’s warmth, allowing your eyes to shut as Jubilee moved back to her spot beside Kurt.

Meanwhile Peter had left your room, dejected from his failed attempt at fixing things with you.

He had a tendency lately of only realizing he’s being a dick after he’s already acted like a dick. It was clear to him that he shouldn’t have dragged Warren into things, they were friends, but he wasn’t blind, he could see that the blond had a crush on you.

It was hypocritical of him to say that you moved on fast but, to him, replacing you with Heather and replacing him with Warren just wasn’t the same.

Heather could’ve never replaced you as his best friend, she was just supposed to be a romantic distraction, he seriously hadn’t meant to push you away the way he did.

It was the pressure of the situation that made him cave. Heather was sweet but she was insecure, she didn’t trust that Peter’s relationship with you was purely platonic and so she offered him an ultimatum- a relationship with her or a relationship with you. Now under normal circumstances Peter would never ever choose anybody over you, but since Heather was his only way to stop himself from being completely, utterly, painfully in love with you, he picked her.

And obviously it backfired. 

With you and Warren it was different though, when Peter left there was an open spot available for the position of your new best friend and he’d seen the way Warren had lunged for it. Sure, you had Jubilee, Jean, Kurt and Scott there for you too but Warren really committed to acting the part.

He couldn’t blame him though, because he knew he was gonna do the same, the second Warren slips up Peter is going to be right there to pick up the pieces for you.

The way he saw things, Warren was just a temporary fix because he was sure he was going to win you back. And now that he knows that you loved him too? He was determined to get back on your good side.

Only what Peter didn’t know was that you had always seen Warren in a different light, he had this effect on you that drew you to him, you loved being around him but not in the same way you loved being around Peter.

With Peter it was safe and comfortable, doing things together was always spontaneous and exciting but you knew everything there was to know about each other. With Warren on the other hand, it was laid back and new, you were always learning new things about each other and getting closer with each new thing you learned, things with him were funny and chilled out- you never had to be doing something wild to be having fun.

You weren’t sure what it was yet, but you and Warren got along like something other than friends because unlike Peter, who in his defense hadn’t expected to fall for you, Warren was tactical, he made sure not to get himself stuck in the friend zone.

Peter decided that since he’d pretty much broken the damn of awkwardness with you he might as well try and get on the good side of the rest of his friends too.

He sped to the common room and tried to keep a neutral expression when he noticed that you were there and asleep on Warren’s shoulder.

“Hey guys…” He called out casually as he strolled into the room and sat down beside you and Warren.

The winged boy shifted uncomfortably and tightened his arms around you and you scooted closer, not bothering to open your eyes, you knew exactly who the voice belonged to. 

The conversation you’d had with him was still fresh in your mind and you were actively bitter about what he’d said about you and Warren, although you supposed you were kind of proving his point right now, snuggling up to the guy that you knew he was jealous of and pretending to be asleep.

“Um… hey… Peter?” Jubilee spoke unsurely, looking to Warren with wide questioning eyes.

Warren just looked at her calmly and tried to give her a look that said ‘play it cool’, but understandably the girl didn’t catch it.

If you weren’t so committed to pretending to sleep you would’ve laughed at your best girlfriend’s not at all subtle attempt to abandon the awkward tension filled common room.

“This is so awkward. Bamf us out.” She whispered frantically to Kurt who looked at her in confusion, cocking his head towards Peter, Warren and yourself on the other couch.

“Just bamf us out!” She whisper shouted despite the fact that everyone in the room could hear her, including you.

Next thing you heard was Kurt bamfing away and Peter letting out a low whistle.

“What’s their problem?” Peter asked nobody in particular.

Warren rolled his eyes and groaned, “You’re their problem." 

Feeling the tension build between the pair of them, you stirred in Warren’s hold and faked a hazy wake up. 

"Hey.” You smiled up at Warren softly, acting none the wiser to Peter’s presence in the room.

“Hi there."  He replied, green eyes boring into yours and a smile to match your own made its way onto his face.

For a moment you actually forgot about the envious speedster who was glaring daggers at the back of your head, that was before he spoke up.

"Hello.” At the greeting Warren let out a heavy breath through his nose and shook his head at you in exhaustion.

Not bothering to look at the boy behind you, you pulled yourself away from Warren and made your way toward the door, not looking back.

“Night, Birdy.” You called out to Warren as you strode out of the common room, if the boys wanted to fight they could but you didn’t want anything to do with it. 

“Birdy, huh?” Peter asked in a mocking tone, staring at Warren bitterly. You used to have stupid nicknames for him too.

“Why are you acting like she’s the one who screwed you?” Warren asked angrily, getting up from the couch to tower over where Peter sat.

The winged boy knew he was jealous but he wanted to add intimidated to the list of things he made him.

“Maybe I just don’t want to see her cozying up to someone like you.” Peter rebutted, rising from the sofa and getting in Warren’s face.

“Someone like me? You mean someone who’s loyal?” Warren challenged, chest puffed out and eyes set in a glare, wings ready to sprout out in defense at any second.

“I love her.” Peter told Warren, voice sure and steady.

Warren scoffed, shaking his head, “You’ve got a really funny way of showing it.” He seethed, pushing past Peter, shoulder bumping his a little less than gently as he walked toward the door.

“I’m gonna get her back.” Peter stated confidently, watching as Warren merely glanced over his shoulder, their eyes meeting in an intense stare.

“You can try.”

[jenniferwallters]

anonymous   &&   bless you

When, where and how did you lose your virginity? Details, please.

     An awkward laugh, hand tossing her hair over her shoulder. It’s clearly not a subject she likes to talk about or even think about, but, hey...      ‘No judgement, right? I was, ehm... I was eighteen. Staying over with a friend, and I was fucking stupid and her dad was... look, he was hot, alright? They had kids when they were teens themselves so he was, like, 35 or something. Dark hair, green eyes, did whatever and always wore this suit and a tie, fit him really well. I was kinda crushing on him and I had been 18 for a few months.

     ‘So I stayed over and her mom was actually carrying their second kid at the time. Went into labour that same night, so at 11 in the evening her water broke and they had this whole thing planned. Bags ready, carkeys easy to grab. Only problem was that my friend was supposed to drive her mom to the hospital, because her dad, his name was Monroe, by the way, fucking obnoxious, couldn’t drive at night. But I was staying over, so... I couldn’t go home because it was way too far to walk at night and I didn’t have cash for a taxi.      ‘No, it was all fine. I could stay, Monroe would keep me company until we had news. He was clearly not planning to actually be present at the birth anyway, like a fucking pussy, because he was one of those guys, you know? Vagina is only interesting when something is going in, not when something’s coming out.      ‘So, all that was settled. All would be fine.

     ‘Monroe was super wired when his wife and kid left, of course. Couldn’t possibly sleep, and I was wide awake as well anyway, so he asked if I wanted to stay up with him. Sure.      ‘So we turned on the TV to some late night shitshow and I was, like, on the opposite end of the couch. Keeping a safe distance. All well and good until he started crying. I support men crying and showing emotion and all but fuck, it was so awkward and eventually I scooted over to comfort him or something.      ‘Now, he was in half of his suit. No jacket or tie, you know the deal, and I was sitting there in, like, pink sleeping tee and pajama shorts. And he sobbed like a baby, shocking shoulders and all, so at some point my awkward arm around his shoulder became me across his lap, arms around his neck while he cried into my hair. I was honestly not looking to hook up with my friend’s dad, you know, but -- I don’t know. I fucked up, I guess. So did he, obviously, as a grown fucking man.      ‘So I was holding him and it was like one of those cheesy movies where he started kissing my neck and all, and I told him to stop it and he didn’t. So I pushed him off and he started apologizing, saying he didn’t mean it like that, and that he understood if I wanted to be away from him. I did, so I left him alone and went back to my friend’s bedroom to sleep.      ‘But, not gonna lie, I was... it all got me super horny? I had been thirsting after Monroe for like 2 years already, kinda like a teacher crush, and obviously I never actually expected to get into that situation and it was super confusing and uncomfortable, so I didn’t know what to feel.      ‘So I was laying on my air mattress just... getting off... Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t believe I’m retelling this, and then Monroe knocked on the door. To apologize. Yeah right. Explained that his wife hadn’t been interested in anything while she was carrying, that he’d just gone with the moment, and that I looked so nice. He got my knees weak, okay, and I still had my fucking hand down my shorts under my covers. Told him it was okay, no problem, asked if he was doing alright now.      ‘And he heard in my voice that I was... well. He heard it. Turned it on me. Asked if I was okay. Came in, closed the door. Sat next to me and started saying all these sweet things. I’d been pretty insecure up until then so it was so nice to have someone say these things to me, you know? I fell for it. I let him when he found where my hand was at and I let him when he started fingering me.      ‘You don’t really want me to... talk about all this, right? Fuck.      ‘He, uh... he knew what he was doing. Didn’t give a crap that I’d never bothered to shave anything beyond my legs, either. Put his mouth where it wanted to go and honestly blew my mind in the process. He made me cum, so at least he did that right. And then he started fumbling with his pants like he was the one losing his virginity at that moment, didn’t even have a rubber on hand, of course -- but at least he knew what he was doing when he finally put it in. I was scared as hell he got me pregnant because of course he didn’t pull out in time, but thankfully nothing like that happened.

     ‘My friend never found out, by the way. Nor did his wife. So.’

[cal-puddies]

state of grace || calum hood

“Hey papi.” You greet Cal, coming in in your gym clothes.

“Hey little one.” He greets, looking at you over his shoulder before pulling a loose hoodie over his bare chest, doing his best to hide as much of himself as he can. “You hungry? I was thinking about ordering in.” He mentions, finally turning to you. 

“Bubba… we just went grocery shopping. Why don’t we make something? Give me like 30 so I can shower?” You ask. Cal nods and he watches as you come over and press a quick kiss to his cheek. 

You aren’t the thinnest girl in the world but you work hard to maintain your body and Cal loves every curve.

You hit the shower and you start thinking about Cal’s behavior lately, he always seems to be covering himself, the extra baggy hoodies and t’s. You've known him a long time, he was a lanky teen when you met, and he was a slighter build when you started dating. He really started to fill out this year, and he didn’t seem to know what to do with it. 

When you come back in one of his older shirts and a pair of sweatpants, he looks lost staring into the Fridge. “Hey.” You say, pushing yourself into his arms. Cal wraps his arms around you, “you ok?” You ask, looking up at him. 

“Yeah, I’m fine baby.” He nods, leaning down to gently peck your lips. 

“Ok.” You nod, squeezing him a little tighter. “Any idea what you wanna eat?” 

You and Cal make a healthy dinner, and then retire to the couch for the evening. He knew you were exhausted from your day, but he hadn’t done anything at all, all day; Wander to the back yard with Duke to have a cigarette, sit and read a book, had coffee with Ash. 

You find Cal out back in the morning and you smile as you sit next to him on the lounger. “Hey handsome.” You yawn, pressing your lips to his shoulder and then you lean your head against his shoulder. He rests his free hand on your thigh and you both watch Duke wander around. “Supposed to be really nice today, wanna take Duke to Runyon?” 

“Ehh.” Cal shrugs. 

“C’mon papi, we never really do anything out of the house anymore.” You kinda whine, threading your fingers with his at your thigh. “I’m beginning to think you don’t like me anymore.” You pout. 

“I like you fine... We do stuff.” He knows it’s weak, but it’s all he’s got. He wasn’t ready for that. 

“Going to Ashtons and picking up take-out don’t count.” You disagree, pulling away and standing. “I’m gonna take him. You’re welcome to join us.” 

Cal definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. So he eventually decides to go. He looks at you when he gets to the bedroom, already in your workout tights and sports bra, putting on mascara. He watches you put the mascara down and then he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist. “Maybe we can just stay here,” He quirks an eyebrow and kisses over your shoulders. 

“Absolutely if it leads to sex,”  You grin at him in the mirror. 

“I’ll definitely go down on you but it won’t be sex,” He shrugs. 

He watches your eyebrows knit together and your lips turn up into your angry pout. “No deal,” You say, pulling out of his grasp. 

“Baby, it’s not you,” he says. standing defiantly in the bathroom, arms stiff at his sides. 

You roll your eyes, like you haven’t heard that before, “I’m gonna go make something for breakfast real quick. Get dressed if you’re coming.” 

You decide on a smoothie and you make one for Cal, just in case. You start thinking, It’s been awhile since you had had sex, you can barely remember the last time you saw him naked. And even when he does seem in the mood, he just goes down on you and calls it good. Which is typically fine. Cal’s a giver, so it makes sense. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him. 

Cal walks in the kitchen in a hoodie and basketball shorts. He grabs the cup you'd set out for him and takes a drink, and then comes over and wraps his arms around you again. You turn so you’re facing him, “it’s not you little one. It really isn’t,” He reiterates, kissing the tip of your nose. 

You shrug, “not what it feels like.” You lean up and kiss his nose in return and then pull away, checking him out while walking out of the kitchen to get Duke’s harness and the water bowl you take. “You’re gonna want the running tights or you’ll chafe.” You call. 

“I couldn’t find them.” 

“They’re on the top in the second drawer, I just put them away,” you peak your head back in the kitchen. 

“Well, I didn’t see ‘em.” He shrugs. 

“I’ll go look. Can you get Duke ready?” You ask. 

“Baby, it’s fine.” He insists. 

“I’ll just go look real quick. The chafe is real baby. It hurts.” 

You run into the room and see that the running tights are out, and balled up in the corner, as well as a few t shirts and shorts. You pick up one of the shirts and look at it, and things really start coming together. So you leave it be. 

“Hey, guess you were right.” You shrug, “dunno what I did with em.” 

Cal sighs in relief. He doesn’t have to try and squeeze into those pants or show that he can’t even fit into the t shirts he was wearing when you first got together. “Little man is ready.” Cal confirms, and he holds up water bottles and the snack bars too. “And we’re all set here.” 

“Cool, I just wanna put on a shirt quick.” You turn to head back to the room. 

“Why, you look so good babe?” He asks. 

“Not feelin it today.” 

And Cal can’t help but feel he might be to blame, turning you down for sex again. 

“Alright papi, you and little bubba ready?” You ask, back in front of him in a loose tank.

“We are.” He confirms, holding up the keys and the bag of stuff. 

So you guys spend a nice afternoon together, walking around the canyon with Duke. 

“Wanna save water?” You ask, raising your eyebrow at him when you get home. 

“That’s ok baby. I’ll wait.” He doesn’t even miss a beat when denying you. 

“Oh… ok.” You nod, furrow your brow, and then head off toward the shower. You don’t want to show Cal you’re hurt. You let a few tears slip out in the shower, you’re trying to remember it’s about him, but it’s hard to feel that way when he doesn’t say so and he’s constantly turning you down.

You need to figure out something to help him. Food’s good and inviting him to the gym or to be active could help, but you know you need to get him to accept his body. And let him know, without just saying so, that you love him no matter what. 

You get out of the shower and dress yourself in baggy sweats. 

Cal can tell you’d been crying. He knows all the signs. “You ok?” He asks, coming close and lifting your chin. 

“Yeah… just… don’t worry about it.” You shrug and walk past him, to the kitchen to get something to eat. 

You’re wrapped in a blanket on the couch when he comes down, he kisses your forehead. “D’you eat?” He asks. 

“Mmmhmm. Just had some leftovers.” You nod. You sit and make minimal conversation with him until you decide to go to bed. 

And Cal can’t help but notice you are even more cold after denying you yet again. He comes to bed and tries to cuddle you but you push him away, “sorry bub. Not feeling good.” You pull the blanket under your chin and curl into a ball. 

Your brain works overtime through the night and you wake up with an idea. 

Cal is once again up before you, always for Duke. He’s made coffee. 

You pour a cup before going outside. “Hey,” you greet. “Any chance you wanna go shopping with me? My pants aren’t fitting quite right for work.” You admit sheepishly. 

“they a little big?” He asks, pulling you in and kissing the top of your head. 

“Small, actually.” You turn your face up. 

“I’m here for any support you need, you know that.” He grins and kisses your nose, “I’d love to spend another day with you.” 

So that’s how you get Cal out shopping. And you watch as he picks some stuff for himself, and you can’t help but notice the things he’s picking are going to end like his t shirts and running tights. So, you mix some of them in your pile in a larger size and even pick a few things for him. 

The two of you hit the fitting room and you don’t press him to share one with you, you don’t want to get your feelings hurt again. You get a pair of pants on and call over to Cal. “Papi you ready? Can I see?” 

“Uhh… I don’t think this is my color little one. Let me try something else.” 

“Ok papi. Let me know when you’re ready.” You sigh. 

It takes a good 20 minutes and there’s a knock on your door, and when you open it, you’re staring at a red faced Calum, dressed in the clothes he came in. 

“Thought you were gonna let me see?” You ask. 

“None of them ended up being for me.” He shrugs. “But I’m happy to look at you and your ass in pants.” He quirks an eyebrow. 

You pull him in and shut the door. “What’s up baby? All of those things were very you, very in your style.” 

“They just weren’t right on.” He shrugs, taking a seat. 

“What wasn’t right?” You ask, straddling him. 

“They didn’t look right, or feel right… don’t push this please.” He asks, tucking your hair behind your ear. “The dad bod’s just not here for it.” He tries to joke. 

“Did someone say you had a dad bod? Cause I’ll fight.” Cal shakes his head. “Stop talking about my mans that way.” You pout.

“The fans have been mentioning I’m ‘thicc’.” He sighs. 

“Thicc is a good thing papi. But I could see how that’d be misconstrued.” 

“It’s just…” he starts, but then stops and clams up.

“Calum, I’m sorry… but I need to know what’s going on. I’m trying so hard not to take anything personally, but it’s impossible. You are turning me down all the time… do you not want me anymore?” 

Cal can hear the slight manic tone in your voice, and he knows now his insecurity is affecting you more than he’d guessed or anticipated. “I think you can clearly feel it’s not that,” He pulls you down on his hips. “Little one… I just…” he sighs. “Nothing fits. And I don’t know…” 

“Cal… I know handsome. But you know what else I know?” You wait for him to look at you. “I know that when I was a mess over needing a bigger size, your response was literally ‘you’re the most beautiful and the size of your pants or tops doesn’t affect that. Just a little more to love.’ And you didn’t make a huge deal of me losing the weight, which showed me it wasn’t important to you. And you needing bigger shirts or pants to fit properly? Same thing papi. I wanna see you comfortable and happy and I love the hell out of every inch of you, and I’d like to see what kind of work you can do… you know, power behind those hips now…” you wink. 

“I just don’t think… once you see me naked, you’ll wanna be with me anymore.” He averts his eyes from you. 

“You know how strong you are Calum? You literally pick me up off the floor when I can’t go another step and you hold me tight like you’re holding me together when I’m breaking. You don’t hesitate for a second when I’ve clearly had too much of the world. You’re right there. You’re my rock, the thing that won’t move when I need to hold onto something. And yes, you’re body has filled out. But you get on stage and play two hour shows for months on end. Do you have any idea what that takes?” You pause, “If it’s truly about the weight, we can go to the gym, and eat healthier. I’m happy to do all of that with you. But if you’re worried if I still want you, if I still find you sexy despite the size of your shirts or pants, then please hear me right now. You are so incredibly sexy Calum Hood and it has nothing to do with a number.” 

Cal cups your face in both hands, he lets out a little sigh and small grin turns up on his face. “I don’t deserve you.” He presses his lips to yours and gives you the needy kind of kiss you’ve been craving. 

“Now.” You whisper, “imma put on that black lacy number. You’re gonna put on these jeans and this shirt, and we’re gonna talk about a date tonight.” 

Cal takes the items from you, and the stuff he’d abandoned in his fitting room, in the larger sizes and he leaves you. 

Cal knocks on your fitting room door five minutes later and you open the door. He’s got a short sleeve black button down on with a pair of distressed blue jeans. 

“Aye papi!” You grin.

“You think so?” He asks. 

“Yes… how do they feel?” You check. 

“Much better, you were right.” He nods. 

“You look amazing papi. Bet you’d get yourself laid if you took your girl on a nice date out of the house tonight.” You wink. 

“I heard you little one. We’ll go out tonight.” He smirks. He cups your face in both hands and pulls you into a kiss. 

You guys check out, Cal gets everything he tried on. And he works quietly when you get home to plan a night out for you two. 

It starts with dinner and moves onto drinks at a bar you both like. He looks over at you after the second drink and grins, “thank you for today, little one, you said all the words I needed to hear.” He pecks your lips. 

“I meant every word papi. Some days will still be tough, but you can get through this. You’re a hot piece of ass, and I’m lucky you come to bed with me at night.” You wink. 

He rolls his eyes, “I’m definitely coming to bed with you tonight.” 

“Can we go? I wanna love on you.” 

“Yeah.” He nods, he pulls out his wallet and throws some cash down, then intertwines your fingers and pulls you out of the booth. 

You’re excited to say the least, you needed Cal in this way and you’d finally get it, but you needed to show him love first. 

He lets you start to undress him, but he holds you face, controlling where you can look. “Let me love you papi.” You whisper. He lets go as you get the buttons undone on his shirt and push it off his shoulders. Your fingers tap along his collarbone, brushing over the tattoos there. You let your fingers run down his chest, sliding around to hold him at his ribs. 

Cal sighs when you lean in and your lips first press to his chest. One hand comes comes to hold the back of your head, and the other slides down your waist to your ass, he gently squeezes. 

“You really haven’t noticed?” He asks, his hand moving from the back of your neck, to the side so his thumb could caress your cheek. 

“What was I supposed to notice Cal?” You look up at him, “the only thing I noticed was that you weren’t happy.” You admit. 

“And I let you think that was about you, and even probably perpetuated it. I’m sorry about that. You never fail to come through for me.” He sighs,’”I should have known this would be the same.” He half smiles at you. “I love you.” 

You wrap your arms tight around him, he hugs you back. “Love you.” You mumble into his skin, squeezing him.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21 @5sosfanficrec @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @therealmrshale

gc tags: @sublimehood @sugarcoated-pain @5sosnsfw @angelbabylu @aspiringwildfire @irwinkitten @lashtoncurls @myloverboyash @singt0mecalum

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

[awkwardschools-detention]

Blog_Post_#1_Examining_Youth_Culture_Lajara_Brandon

Lajara, Brandon

COM 105 Media & Society 

FALL 2021

09/13/21

Blog Post 1, Examining Youth Culture

Examining youth culture can help us understand on how to raise awareness for certain issues like drug addiction and sexual harassment and even bullying. The character that I can relate to the most is the supporting character Damien from mean girls. The reason why is because he is so awkward and I was very awkward during my adolescence. I just love his attitude during the movie and how chill he is. I also liked Cady Heron because she is new to high school after being homeschooled all her life in Africa. I was like Cady in some ways. Well not the homeschooled parts but I changed myself to fit in and ended up bullying a really good friend of mine in highschool and he decided that I was too mean and ditched me. I realized that I lost him when it was too late. The way I got him back was by pranking the bullies and punching them in the faces, luckily that stopped them from bullying anyone ever again. I also liked it when he wore an interesting purple suit alongside his best friend Janis. It was risky but also brave of him to not care how he looked. Damien also didn’t care at all what people said, but the only way I somewhat differed from him during my adolescence was I cared about my image and basically felt really self conscious about my look and was depressed all the time. It wasn’t until another friend who would soon become my best friend/sister to me would inspire me to stop caring about my figure and how I dressed. So I would decide to still wear baggy sweatshirts to wear casual clothes, I love somewhat big sweatshirts. I also like wearing hats because I used to hate my hair and how fast it grows but now I like it. Damien is the type of character to inspire people to just be themselves and to not care what other people think. One common theme is Bullying and that is a serious theme because of how impactful it is on our youth. Bullying is a plague. I can sadly say again that I was a bully for a short time and it wasn’t fun. I was also bullied as well. The reason bullying is so big is because insecure teens bundle up their problems the wrong way and let it out towards others. One reference about this is in the movie Mean girls and the plastics burn book and when it was revealed and everyone’s secrets were revealed was technically bullying to a certain degree. The reason why I count that as bullying is because it caused people distress and got people hurt hense the fight in the hall that came soon after. Another common theme is drug usage and alcohol. In euphoria the story begins with Rue narrating and telling the viewer that she overdosed on drugs. Later in the episode teens are seen at a party drinking alcohol and doing drugs. Teens are drawn to drugs because either they came from a broken home and they want to feel good or they are peer pressured into it by friends or classmates, in some cases people think it’s cool to take drugs. Teens are into drinking alcohol in a similar way to why they take drugs actually. The final theme is fashion. Teens are over obsessed with fashion and how they look. Teens are way too self conscious about what they look like and it’s kinda unhealthy. Take a look at the plastics from mean girls and how they focus too much on their look and even dictating how others dress as well with them being trendsetters and all. Soundtracks can affect a narrative if the song fits the scene but won’t do anything if the song doesn’t fit the scene and how the story is told. I’m going to go out of order for the list. The first song that I am going to talk about is called Ugliest by a rap duo called Suicideboys. It defines my adolescence because it’s about (what I interpret anyway) Opioid addiction. I never took drugs in my life but I lost a few friends to opiod addiction. The problem with this Opioid epidemic is how easily people can get their hands on them. The next song is All signs point to Lauderdale by A day to remember. This song somewhat defined my adolescence in which all I wanted to do was leave the town I grew up in and run away from all of my problems. All I could do from not running away was listening to this song and others by the band. The next song is also from A day to remember it’s called sometimes you’re the Hammer, Sometimes you’re the nail. This song helped me during my adolescence make me feel like I was someone when I wasn’t good at anything. The song inspired me to better myself and enjoy life to the fullest. Another song is Never Again by Breaking Benjamin. That song helped me realize that I was a bully and I would never bully anyone ever again. Airplanes by B.o.B is another song that helped me realize that I need to chase my dreams. The song on the playlist is a cover of the song. The next song is another opioid song this time it’s called Can’t catch up by Rehab. This one helped me realize that I can potentially not be able to help my friends that are addicted even though at that time during my adolescence I thought I actually could help them and have them quit. Prisoner by Dance Gavin Dance is a song that would define a month of my adolescence where I felt like a prisoner in my own mind. I hated school back during my adolescence and every time school ended for the summer or any kind of break I would listen to School’s out by Alice in Chains. It helped me get through the years but I ended up learning to like school. I had a phase where all I listened to was Sum 41, their song in too deep helped realize that whatever new thing I tried to learn I would mess up and make a pile of problems that would actually have consequences later on. The final song that I would like to chat about is the iconic Just a Kid by simple plan. I had very few friends in school and everything went wrong for me. Believe it or not I already knew that life was hard and not easy.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7FRrwlOJTs7t7SQNyp4C7D?si=688e4500d7bc40f5

[knightofameris]

jar of stars — peter parker (p. iii)

Setting: After homecoming, but during the sophomore year of high school Gender: Neutral Contains: Flufffffffff, a little bit of angst but honestly not really lol. Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: (Y/n) has a thing for paper stars. They also have a thing for Peter Parker but then an itsy bitsy spider comes ‘round and practically plays matchmaker.

a/n: Let me know if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes or if I accidentally say ‘she/he’ instead of the gender neutral ‘they’.

So, I finished this months after starting this and I’m posting this a few weeks after finishing it. It’s a little rushed towards the end since I kinda lost inspiration. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this series! I have two more series (6-part and 8-part w/ epilogue coming up but I have no clue when they’ll be finished.

p. i || p. ii || here!

Enjoy!  [repost from old account]

❝ the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed                     that one eyebrow that defied gravity           it was like you were falling for him all over again ❞

“You can’t just take someone, swinging through the buildings of Queens, Peter!” Tony yelled, gesturing his entire arm out. Peter walked up towards his mentor in his outfit, his arms out as he tried to explain himself.

“Yeah but Mr. Sta-”

“A bup bup bup!” Tony raised a finger up in the air, effectively shutting Peter up who could only tighten his mouth in a straight line. “I’m talking here. Peter, I know you like this person a lot. (Y/n) right? What was it that you said to me about keeping your identity a secret?”

“To keep my loved ones safe.” They both said at the same time.

“Exactly,” Tony walked up towards Peter and wrapped an arm around the young teen. The two began to walk towards the car set outside the compound, ready to drive Peter home. “Someone could easily snap a picture and (Y/n) would be attached to your alter ego. I know you’re terrified to ask them out as - well - you,” Tony gestured towards Peter’s entire body.

“Wait, what do you mea-”

“But you’re going to have to. And not play around as Spider-Man to do so. Pepper is always in danger because of me. And trust me, I hate it. I’ve pushed her away in the past a few times and all of those who have been close to me because I’m scared of them getting hurt. You don’t need that on your conscience that young, if at all. I really - and I mean it - I really think you should stop talking to them. As Spider-Man, anyways.”

Peter  pursed his lips as he took in everything Tony said. Nodding his head, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stop talking to them. As Spider-Man.” The two of them finally reached the black car, Happy already in the drivers seat.

Tony reached over to open the door for Peter and then patted his back. “I knew you were a smart kid, Parker.” Peter smiled up at Tony as he got into the car.

“Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

“Uh, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Tony?” Tony quirked a brow and pointed at the boy seated in the car. “Oh, whatever, just get home safe or May will kill me.”

Tony patted the top of the car once the door shut and watched until the car left his line of vision.

Peter looked inside your room, watching as you worked on some stars while binging a show. He probably should knock, since this was kind of creepy, but you just looked so calm. No worries in the world. However, he raised his hand and rapped two knuckles on the window. You jolted a bit in your seat, looking at the window only to smile in relief when you recognized his mask.

You took off your earbuds and got up to open the window. You leaned out of it staring at the whites of his mask.  

“It’s late, what are you doing?” You asked, smiling and recalling the earlier events of the day. You couldn’t read the emotions etched on his face, but the way his body shifted side to side and how he moved his head to the side you could sense that something was up. You frowned. “Spider-Man?”

“Sooo, Mr. Stark caught me taking you through Queens.” He scratched the back of his neck, still not meeting your eyes. “He said I shouldn’t do that, or talk to you as Spider-Man. And I think so too. It can put you in serious danger if one of my enemies caught me with you and I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt. I’m really sorry and I hope you understand.” He began to walk away and raised his arm up to head back home but you reached out towards him, grasping onto his arm.

“Wait!” You urged. He glanced back at you. “Just, wait for a second.” You let go of his arm and ran into your room. Digging under your bed, you reached for a certain jar and ran back to the window. You held out the Spider-Man themed jar to him.

“It-It makes sense,” you said, “to stop talking to me. I get it. And as much as it sucks, I’m glad I got to know you. So at the very least, take this. You know, to remember me.” He gingerly took it out of your grasp and adired the spider design on the side.

He looked up into your eyes, “Thank you.”

You choked back a few tears before you said, “Good luck in life. And stay safe.”

Peter smiled. “I will. Thank you, (Y/n). For being a big part of my life. Make sure to tell Peter by the way.”

You nodded your head in response, not trusting your voice, before he jumped off the fire escape and into the night. You sighed, glancing up at the night sky. You weren’t met with the twinkling of stars, for they did not shine that night.

The dark circles under your eyes would not go away, no matter how much concealer you tried to put on. That much was evident to all your friends.

MJ frowned and furrowed her brows as she put an arm around you. “Dude, why do you look like you were up all night studying.”

Not wanting to tell the truth you replied, “Because I was?”

“Dude, (Y/n), you’re going to be fine,” Ned said, nudging you slightly with his elbow. You made sounds of protests in response but then quickly looked over at Peter. He was deathly quiet and usually would rush over to you the moment he knew you were killing yourself over school. But he looked just as tired, he was just lucky he didn’t have dark circles as evident as yours.

No one knew that you were close friends with the hero of Queens. Not even MJ but she knew something was up when you’d stop replying to her texts or wouldn’t hang out with her at night. So it’s not even like you could tell someone how you’ve been feeling since he cut you off.

It sucked. But you knew that it was because of how it could put you in danger. But there was still that voice in the back of your head wondering if he just cut you off because he was tired of you. Insecurities of yours wandered around in your head for the rest of the day.

You sat next to Peter with Ned, Cindy, and a few others, at the lab table in physics. Your head on the desk, looking at Peter’s well defined profile. You were thankful that Mrs. Warren didn’t assign any work after the AP exams; it meant you could sleep. But for some reason, even though you were extremely tired, you just watched Peter play card games with the rest of the group. The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed at something stupid. That one eyebrow that defied gravity. It was like you were falling for him all over again.

Maybe you should follow Spider-Man’s advice. Even if he never spoke to you again, you trusted him.

Your eyes began to close, listening to the voices of your friends and Peter’s laugh lulled you into dreamland.

The annoying sound of your alarm caused you to groan as you rolled over to slam the snooze button on your phone. You closed your eyes again as you drifted off into dreamland but the alarm that was set five minutes after went off causing you to groan again.

Your drowsy eyes slowly opened up as you rubbed your face with your hands. Tossing the blankets to the side, you groggily got up to get ready for school. You really regretted staying up to finish a season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine before the last day of school. Nah, it was so worth it.

It had been about a week and a few days since Spider-Man cut everything off with you. But with how it was the last day of school, you figured you should end it following his advice.

So there you were, standing in front of your jar-shelf trying to pick a confession jar. Which one would Peter like the most?

“It’s Peter, he wouldn’t care which one. Just if he got one,” you thought. And you knew you were right but the other voice kept saying otherwise. It wasn’t until your dad yelled at you saying you were going to be late, again, that you grabbed a random one and ran off to catch the subway.

The last day of school went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, you didn’t see Peter all day or even after school. Block schedule for finals were the worst.

“So you’re finally doing it?” Michelle asked as she walked you to the station.

You nodded your head, “Yeah, I haven’t seen him all day and Ned hasn’t either. So I’ll probably stop by his place since it’s on the way to mine.”

“Alright, doesn’t sound to bad. Tell me how it goes, loser,” Michelle smirked and you rolled your eyes, punching her shoulder lightly as she walked off to her train to take.

“I’ll text you tonight, get home safe, ho bag!” You called out, ignoring the looks from the older adults around you. You smiled to yourself as you got onto the train and shifted around to look for a seat, only to realize you were going to have to stand this time around. Again. Which was fine.

You gripped one of the handles as you pulled out your phone to check your messages. Replying quickly to a few friends, you pulled up Peter’s chat and let him know that you were stopping by. You shoved your phone back into your pocket and took a deep breath for what was to come.

You knocked on Peter’s apartment with two fingers and went back to grasp the straps of your backpack to ease your nerves. You waited for a bit and then heard a ruckus on the other side, only to see May open up holding a rag. She paused and then burst into a smile as she realized it was you.

“(Y/n)! It’s so nice to see you,” she gushed, ushering you into the apartment. You smiled up at her, your eyes flickering over to Peter’s door as you talked.

“Yeah, it’s been a while Mrs. Parker!” You brushed a hand through your hair.

“Oh,” she waved the rag nonchalantly, “just call me May. You’re probably here for Peter, you can just walk in, he just got back from school.” You nodded your head and thanked her before heading over into his room, taking out the jar from your bag.

You knocked a few times before clasping your hand around the doorknob and let yourself in. You suddenly became more aware of the jar that sat in your hands when you made eye contact with Peter who looked up at you from his bed on his phone. He jolted out of his bed and fixed his hair from tossing around in his bed.

“(Y/n), I just got your message,” he breathed out. Smiling as he moved around his room trying to clean up his slight mess. As he shuffled things around on his desk you couldn’t help but notice an oddly familiar jar that sat perched on it. Your face scrunched up in confusion and you tilted your head as you tried to recall the star jar that sat on his desk.

Peter looked up at you, “So, what do you need to-”

“Holy shit.”

The jar in your hand would have shattered if it hit the floor. But Peter reached forward fast enough to catch it before it did.

Peter probably should have realized you’d figure it out, that he was Spider-Man. So when he glanced up at your frozen figure, worry flooded over him.

“Peter?” You asked sternly, your finger pointing at the jar you had given him, or Spider-Man, weeks earlier. He followed your eyes that were looking in the same direction as your finger then back up at you.

“Yeah?”

“Are you Spider-Man?”

“Yes?”

“Oh, okay. Well, that jar’s for you. You should open it.” You walked out of his room, closing his door for a second. Peter stood there watching you leave, his mouth agape. Glancing down at the jar, realizing that you had followed his advice, then up to see your back about to leave his apartment, he set down the jar on his desk and ran after you.

“(Y/n), wait!” Peter called for you, jumping over the couch and setting his hand on your shoulder. You stopped mid-step but didn’t turn around to face him. “I - uh - I don’t know what to say.”

You closed your eyes, unsure of how to feel. “I liked you.”

Peter tilted his head and pulled his hand away from your shoulder. “Liked?”

You chuckled and moved your head down a bit. “I liked you, you know. Spider-Man. And you. God, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Relieved? That I wasn’t confused on who I liked? Happy? Because it’s you.  Or mad? Since you essentially used Spider-Man to get to me. Kind of broke my heart when Spider-Man stopped talking to me and when you got too busy with the Stark Internship to even make time for me or Michelle or Ned!” You brought your arm up to your face, wiping away stray tears.

Peter stood there and pursed his lips. His eyes watering a little bit since he was frustrated at himself for doing this to you.

You opened your mouth, about to tell Peter you were going to leave when you heard him talk.

“I’m sorry.” He shifted his weight on his feet and you turned to face him. “I am so, so, sorry about the distress I put you through.” He looked into your eyes, occasionally glancing elsewhere. “I shouldn’t have  to use Spider-Man to get close to you like that. I should have made more time for you as me. I just-uh-I should have told you about Spider-Man. And I’ll make it up to you! Because talking to you again as Spider-Man made me so ecstatic. I thought-I thought you hated me. You never gave me a jar and-and I was always scared. Scared to talk to you as me. So-so-so I thought,” Peter waved his arms around, not really looking at you by the time he got here, “I thought Spider-Man would be easier to talk to you. And it was-”

You wrapped your arms around him into a hug. “You talk wayyy too much Parker. I get it. It still doesn’t make it right though.” Peter smiled and you felt his arms wrap around you.

“I know. I’ll make it up to you.” Peter nuzzled his face into your hair.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay,” you slightly moved away from Peter looking up at him. “I trust you.” Peter grinned. “Now, you just gotta fill me in on everything.”

“I will.”

[bunnykass]

INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

[standreamy]

You can change it - BNA AU (part 3)

Continuing from my previous post about my BNA headcanon

Here my perception on how the series developed Michiru and Nazuna’s frienship and how I would work on it in my au

Nazuna and Michiru

So, first of all I want to remind that I don’t ship them and in my Au there no romantic reference to their relationship. Thought, I do want to focus on their friendship too in my headcanon and develop them a bit.  I apology in advance if I seems a bit “cruel” towards Nazuna. I don’t hate her at all and don’t want to offend anyone who like her. I am just trying to do an analysis and continue my own way what the series, in my view, didn’t finish. I think someone really start to change and improve when they hit their lowest point. That’s what I will do to Nazuna, so that the change really starts from her. People sometimes realise their mistakes but keep doing them or can’t really have the strength to fix them. The manage when they reach the worst situation. Starting... I always felt like their bond was one of the things BNA kinda... treated in a odd way, at least more in the ending.  This is my personal perception of course, but I always felt like their friendship was reciprocated but at the same time onesided.  It’s kinda weird, but Nazuna and Michiru went through a lot and their bond seemed to become weakier but at the same time they acted like friends, at least mostly from Michiru’s side.  I’m not saying Nazuna doesn’t care about Michiru, she does and it’s pretty much clear. She was being used, using her personality to twist her view.  Thought, even so there were various occasions I felt like Michiru wasn’t treated fairly and various times I felt like she was the one seeking for Nazuna and not really viceversa.  They care for each other very much, but I feel like the efforts are initiated more from Michiru’s side.  It’s partly for Nazuna’s personality and for plot, but I think it could have been important to help their friendship develop more.  I also didn’t really see an apology between them. Shirou and Michiru apologized to each other for everything, but I didn’t quite see an apology from Nazuna for like... not trusting Michiru, accusing her of acting for her own advantage... pushing kinda her away... I know, they are teens, Nazuna was being manipulated and she had also her own reasons and right thoughts. For example, that scene in episode 6 maybe had some truth in it, Michiru has flaws and she indeed tends to assume others need help and offer herself. It may has to do also not just for generosity but also for feeling better herself. And Nazuna being honest was important. But the way she let her go along was somehow manipulating too.  The efforts were all from Michiru’s side, who kept fighting for her friend’s wellbeing, even if it meant being seen as stupid or else and not taking care of herself totally. I know, some may think “Off screen she apologized” or “She wanted to protect Michiru by keeping her away”.  These are possible, but at the same time it wasn’t shown and I believe that if they were real, they would have been seen, they are really important! An apology can last few seconds and if Nazuna was worried about Michiru being involved in Alain’s affairs she would have kept her TOTALLY away and we would have seen her troubled, even if privately.  So I base more my perception on what it’s clearly seen instead than suppose some off screen scenes to justify all the flaws of their bond.  It’s okay if it has flows, it can improve! I think if BNA had a season 2, more should be seen about this. I personally feel their relationship is not complete, it still has some holes... as in the season 1 ending it seemed it was all solved but I didn’t see the solution really of their bond. It just needed more development (also ShiroMichi, just like many other relationships). I can understand there wasn’t much time or space, but anyway, I want to work on it.  That’s why as it ended the series, I made in my headcanon that their friendship is still flawed. Distance and different goals made their lives different and apart and the nature of their bond didn’t help to keep it stable.  Melissa and Shirou pointed out more times this to Michiru before Nazuna drifted apart, stating how Michiru needed to also really think about herself. Her works were overwhelming and she couldn’t run everywhere to help people (in this case, Nazuna didn’t need her at all costs as she had her own manager) if she didn’t first take care of herself. Seeing each others lesser gave Michiru time to think, mostly after her departing with Shirou to travel. In that time, even missing Nazuna, she resorted to not contacting her and waiting to see some effort from her friend instead.  That however, was a useless wait.  The very next time she finally got to see Nazuna was when she “died”. Even if Shirou revived her, rumors of her death were already going around from who witnessed it. Nazuna was one of the people to be protected as important as symbol of AnimaCity and for her popularity, so the news arrived to her quite fast.  That shook her a lot.  When Michiru was finally back, her injuries were still quite bad and during her recovery Nazuna visited. Though again, the big period of silence between them wasn’t addressed. From there, they acted like friends once again, even if there wasn’t much stability. Michiru very much understood this and her travel managed to open her eyes on a lot of things, even more to make her grow.  She didn’t try as much as before to search Nazuna. In all this the fox girl started to feel something odd... guilt? Loneliness? Empty? She didn’t really think of it and shoved away often the strange feelings she got from the situation, acting like everything was fine and how it was supposed to be.  That until the day Michiru lost one of her cubs. Nazuna was heartbroken for her friend, but she realised she couldn’t understand Michiru anymore like she used to. For her, inside, Michiru was the same as always, same stubborn, helpful, invasive teenager. The changes were there but only in that moment she started to see them.  And it drove her mind away. “Michiru was always a free spirit and even if she liked children.. when did she develop this urge to be a mother?” “Michiru was one who threw herself into anything and everything without thinking, when did she become much more... responsible?” “Michiru was always around me, even when I didn’t need or want her... when did she...left?” Seeing everything suddenly appear clearer, crude and brute made her frantic. She couldn’t accept everything changed so much without her noticing, that she was in reality so self-asserted and blind. So, in her biggest moment of denial, the same one she wanted to cheer her friend up from her depression, everything went wrong.  She knew Michiru was stronger if provoked, she used to react and fight. So she assumed the same thing would work and the same words she once used would apply again. After all, Michiru was the same exact of her younger self, right?. “Are you keeping this self-pity act so people will comfort you and you’ll feel better about yourself? So in your thoughts you won’t feel like you screwed this up?” She spoke letting out her own frustration. She helped people to feel better about herself right? Even when they didn’t need it.  She pictured Michiru answering “It’s not true! I am not trying to receive pity or make myself feel better!”  And herself answering again “Because you don’t need it. It wasn’t your fault” She wanted to help, really, but besides her own frustration with the changes and insecurity, she never could picture this situation.  Nazuna liked kids but never really thought too much of having her own, she didn’t even think about it being possible being an idol and THAT was her biggest goal. She wasn’t really the type who would think of setting down.  While Michiru, adventure lover, who she never really pictured in that way (maybe because inside she always felt like Michiru would just follow her) ended up doing it. Wanting a family so badly and actually realising it. She realised too late she screwed up. Badly. When she looked at Michiru’s expression, in her eyes that sparkled for the first time in weeks a different emotion than desperation: hate.  She never saw that look on her friend’s face, not towards her at least. Perhaps it wasn’t hate, but for sure there was anger, betrayal... She could clearly read in her eyes something was over. Michiru, for the first time, just left. She wasn’t waiting for Nazuna to search her, to go after her. She wasn’t taking a break to then go back at the fox.  She left totally.  ... In the headcanon they won’t talk or meet each other directly for years.  Even if the ghost of their friendship is still present for Michiru, she moved on. Still keeping in her heart their song indirectly, singing it to her kids even if she didn’t want to think of Nazuna specifically.  Nazuna instead is haunted by this ghost. as her loneliness grow the success does, but her happiness is never complete.  Time was enough to think about things and she realised her mistakes, aknowledged them, but never found the spark to actually try and fix things.  She had success, she had fans and people who believed in her importance, but she was alone.  Michiru did a job in the shadows, one that protected people whom maybe didn’t know who was their savior and helper and felt happy that way. She had no people acclaiming her, but she had a loyal and loved companion and her kids; a family. She had friends and people to be close to, to confess her weaknesses, her doubts, to support and to help, with whom she could carry on and share experiences.  She realised how she treated her friend, how she was wrong and how she changed.  She kept delaying her apologies as she knew somehow Michiru would always seek for her and she would have time. Now it was too late.  Things changes when one night, years later, she found a kid after a party. The kid just showed up.  She asked if he was alright but he asked back the same question, somehow feeling she was really the one who wasn’t. She was shocked of course but covered it up asking if he was lost and who his mother is.  He didn’t answer on that (Will go back to this point later on for the reason) but he retorted she appeared like someone who tried to help to be recorded or something.  This made her laugh somehow, but then admitted that even if in past she would have made something like this, now she didn’t want to and wouldn’t even need it. She had enough of what she wanted.  She asked for a name, and this time finally she got a response ”Henko” (Nazuna didn’t ask Michiru which names she liked for her eventual kids, another point on how their friendship had holes, in this case on Nazuna’s side) Nazuna didn’t know what to do with the kid, they were in a safe park but why was a kid there at that hour? She didn’t know what to do. So she settled with starting a conversation, asking which animal he could shift to. At that question he seemed uneasy and didn’t answer, just stating that he hurted someone he cared about, created some problems and was now around searching a solution.

Feeling familiar with the situation, she explained why she was there. She felt kinda silly to vent to a kid, but he was listening and somehow she felt a strange feeling around him.  She talked about how she made a mistake, many mistaked towards someone and never made effort to fix them. With low voice she added "Even a kid is pulling himself up and working to fix things while me... instead... I’m such a mess...” the kid thought for a moment, he said his mom sang a song to him when he felt alone or unsure and that she told him often singing this would turn bright the stars so he could find the way again.  After some silence, Henko’s voice started singing in the hair. 

“Totsuzen ni mō Up side Down... Sekai wa kawari dasu...”

she froze.

“Inori mo todokanai... Boku ga kawari dasu” His voice... “Imi o motomete hashiri tsuzukete... Jibun ga dare ka wakaranaku naru... Naki-sōdakedo maketakunaikara”

She turned her head to him. The sun was rising. “Oshiete Yoru ni haseru kono yurameki to Omoinomama ni tobimawatte Motto jiyū ni kakete ikou yo Hoshi o miagete sa” There was no way... but everything was so filling into pieces. She just KNEW it inside, even if she couldn’t believe it.  He stopped singing, surprised a little by her expression, but then smiled sweetly “You seemed sad, but I think there is a star for everyone! It’s never too late to follow it!” She thought she wanted to become a star for people, but perhaps... Work in progress.... Still projecting the rest!!

[alias-b]

sins of my youth. 002

Billy Hargrove x OC! Evie Fenny~ Also posted to my AO3

Summary: It was common knowledge that Billy Hargrove hated Hawkins. Hated Cherry Lane. Even loathed the strange girl next door. Evie Fenny wasn’t too fond of the chaotic Cali transfer either. An awful high school tradition sparks a chain of events that changes everything, ultimately bringing two frayed souls together.

A/N: Hello all~ Down the rabbit hole. TW: Teenagers can be the worst. Bullying. Fatphobia. Slut shaming. Cruel boys being cruel boys.

Chapter 2: A Million Dead Stars

   All Evie had to do was wait patiently. For Heather to pop out back and for Billy to swoop in and make his bold move.

   The goofy grin Heather walked back in with did not disappoint. Not at all.

   “Hey, you.” Curls bounced when Evie cocked her head and Heather plopped down with a drink. They tapped red plastic cups.

   “So, I just had an...amazing conversation.”

   “Yeah...?" Evie sang softer. "Pray tell."

   “Just...wow. Billy Hargrove. Him too, huh?”

   “We knew it would happen. He was being way too cool around us at lunch when the guy has been nothing but shitty toward me since moving here. He gave me a ride home, it was obvious. And so…?”

   “Where to start?” Heather put her arm up on the couch and took a long drink, laughing. Pretty in pink girl. “First he brought up Jane Austen. Said they were studying it in English which was a total bluff.”

   “We’re not.” Evie confirmed. “He’s in my second period.”

   "You gave up choir for that specific period with Bowers." Heather recalled more so to herself.

   "No, I just," Evie scrambled, "I just didn't want to do choir anymore. The teacher played favorites. Got sick of it."

   Another longer drink and she went on.

   "So, continue..."

   “He brought up Pride and Prejudice. Which, okay, but Emma is way better.”

   “You’re wrong, but I still love you.” Evie curled up to face her friend. Heather laughed and took her hand, leaned her head on the couch to gather herself in a fit of giggles. 

   “He said Mr. Dancy.”

   “No?” Evie died there. "And I hoped he might learn something."

   “Yes!” Heather smacked at her. Music pumped behind them. Teens roaming and making a mess of the nice mansion. "I felt bad because...I snorted about it. In his face."

   “You know, I’ll give Billy a point. Go on.”

   “Museums. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, I love you...but I’d soon jump into a pit of alligators before going to a museum for a date. Bowling or mini golf please.” Heather was chuckling. “Ballpark hot dogs are way better than cheeseburgers. Popcorn over cheese fries and a damn milkshake? Slushies or nothing. I’m lactose intolerant. He was trying to bore me to death or poison me, Eve.”

   Evie broke to laugh again, barely able to speak.

   “I know! That’s why I suggested all of that.”

   “You bitch.” Heather was giggling still into her shoulder. Hands clasped. They broke to drink. “Oh! And campy action adventure movies or rom-coms only for Heather Holloway. I don’t get why you even go for horror, you wouldn’t hurt a fly and you squirm.”

   “He bombed.” Evie covered her eyes, wiped a tear aside. “I almost pity him.”

   “What’s funny is you like all that stuff. I’m not sure if he was faking it well, but he seemed kinda into most of it.”

   “I’ve been running out of ideas when your followers scramble. Sue me, Heath.” Evie pushed up. “I definitely need another drink.”

   “Fine, fine. Hey,” Heather laced their pinkies together, “teen boys are the worst. Thanks for bouncing another off me. Billy’s cute and all, but hell, I have too much on my plate for a boy right now.”

   “Got that right.” Evie weaved between dancing crowds to the punch bowl. Passed some guy puking into a vase and another group cheering on an arm wrestling match. Spooned herself a full cup. Was mid gulp when she turned to a pair of scathing blue eyes. Oh, Billy.

   “You fucking-”

   “I’m going to stop you right there, Hargrove, and walk that a-way.” She gulped again and passed him.

   “You think that shit’s funny?” Billy had a fistful of her jacket collar. Snarling like a mad dog. "She laughed at me."

   The humiliation of it seemed to make Billy the angriest.

   Evie felt that resonate bitterly because he sounded wounded and oblivious to what life threw her way.

   “Funny? Only after the first ten boys.” She shrugged. “Now it’s just sad. I’m not stupid.”

   “I’d say jerking me around is pretty stupid.” Billy was clearly smashed. Smelling of beer and weed. Eyes red to hell. “Maybe you’re so fucking single and miserable, you make sure your friend stays that way too, huh.”

   Billy knew a nerve was plucked at that by the way she stilled to go colder. Brown eyes molten at him.

   “You don’t know me. You’re a fucking asshole, you know that? I think we both know which one of us is miserable. Go show off for the school all you want, you don't fool everyone with those pretty blue eyes.” Evie shoved off him. Wondered if she caught that same frayed nerve.

   "Hey, we got a problem here?" A Hawkins football player towered. Couple of his buddies from other schools that weren't Ridgemont made a barricade between Billy and Evie.

   "I'm talking to Fenny, dickweed. You mind?" Billy spat. Evie huffed and rolled her eyes.

   "You're talking to the girl who kicked Brock Tannen's ass. Show some respect." Another meathead joined in. Evie hid amusement because this was an odd change over the year.

   "Guys, stand down, you really don't have to do this for me." It was...weird. Frankly, Billy looked like he was about to take on all of them.

   The boy in front gave Billy's shoulder a comical brush and they went off like a herd of happy buffalo.

   "The fuck, are you teen royalty somehow?" Hargrove made a face at her tired expression.

   "No, just some lucky idol they keep around. I still get stepped on in the hallway and I pass everyone's love notes for them." Evie sipped. "I don't care that you like Heather, I care that you pretended to be something close to kind with me to get at her."

   "Don't worry, I'm not interesting in being kind to you again." It came out nastier than he meant it too. Alcohol did that to his old man as well. Disgust welled and Billy had nowhere to put it so it flowed out. "No one here gives a shit about what you have to say, Fenny. Don't count on them trying either just because you're some freak they keep around for one sick story. They're all gonna laugh at you."

   Evie blinked a few times. Saw Billy's shoulders sink while they stared into each other, both searching long and hard. Finished her drink in one swig and tossed the cup at his shoes.

   “You fucking insecure asshole, check a mirror in five years and let me know if you like what you see. Not like you even do now, I bet, so enjoy denial. And stay away from me, Hargrove.” She went down the hallway beyond a spiral staircase and almost ran into a huge chest. As if this night couldn't get any worse.

   Fuck.

   Brock Tannen. Poster boy of rich asshole quarterback from their main rival school. Chestnut hair and chiseled good looks covered evil.

   “Fat Fenny. Oh, sorry. Old habit. Evie. Missed you around these parts.” He nursed a can of beer and leaned into the wall. “Go psycho on anyone lately?”

   “The year isn’t over.” She moved to pass him.

   “Look.” He jolted in front of her. “Admittedly, I was a real shithead. I know that now. My folks even got someone for me to talk to. I'm working through all my shit. But, I was an ass to you.”

   “We knew this.” Evie tried to go the other way, but his shoulder blocked her. She caught sight of his chain. A silver playboy bunny charm he loved to show off.

   “Listen, the year is almost up. I want you to know I don’t hold it against you. You went through some shit at home too. Truce?” No response. A beat before his chin lifted. “You never went crying to your slut mother about me. My dad said she sucks the mailman off.”

   "Don't say shit about my mother." Evie was on her toes. Hands clenching.

   "Didn't cry to daddy either, oh...my bad. You can't." Brock's laughter rang sirens around her head. He was begging her to go off again. "Why didn't you tell mommy about me? We almost had fun."

   “You didn’t get far with me if that’s what you mean, you think I’d give you my tears? Just embarrassed that you bat at fat chicks and get turned down. Eat shit, Tannen.” She got around him, staggered away.

   “Maybe I’ll convince you. I just want to be friends. It’s going to be a new year soon.” His voice lingered along the hallways. "Just messing with you cause I like you is all." More chuckles followed.

   Guys like Tannen secretly wanted her. Unobtainable and strange girls who didn’t conform to stupid high school stereotypes, it really pissed people off. Exotic, which was truly the worst word. Evie was easy to fetishize. 

   Billy got over Heather because Evie passed him moments later with his tongue down some Ridgemont girl’s throat.

   The boy was all mouth and hands. Sucked face like a fucking giant squid attacking a ship at sea.

   "Ick. Fucking Cthulhu." She got away from that, drank more to forget.

   Heather pulled her friend into the dancing. Lights blasting all directions. Music pulsed. Couple more drinks and they were stumbling to Heather’s place. Sneaking up the stairs to fall into a queen sized bed.

   “Can’t believe we didn’t wake my parents.” Heather rolled to her front, smudged the pillow with makeup. Evie was on her side snickering. “Hey, you’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

   “Nothing is wrong.” Brown eyes blinked. Heather nuzzled her pillow and breathed even, searching.

   “You changed last year. After, what happened at home… I know you miss your dad.” Delicate fingertips ran over Evie's arm. Slipped away.

   “He left.”

   Evie remembered coming home from school. He was just gone. Clothes and all. Mona crying at the table. Pictures down. Like he never existed.

   And her mother never really explained why. Just said they had problems and her dad wanted to be with someone else. He never called. Mona cried that day and hasn’t cried since. Evie couldn’t even remember the last thing she said to him. 

   People vanish. They have that power.

   “After...what happened with Tannen. You got all distant with me. I just worry about you a lot.” Heather’s fingers curled into Evie’s sleeve. “Kids are cruel, I don’t understand why. Why they're so mean...”

   “Some people don’t know where to put it when they hate themselves.”

   “I don't think I hate myself. Sometimes I hate that myself isn't enough, you know? Enough to please my parents all the time and enough to help other people out."

   "You're more than enough for me, Heather." Evie heard a sniffle.

   "D-Do you hate yourself?” An airy tone slurred.

   “I don’t know.” Evie sighed. “I’m fine, Heath, I’m happy. I dealt with it.”

   “Happy or pretending to be?” Heather mused, pulling at her hair scrunchie to relieve brown locks. “I just don’t see you a lot, like you’re always with someone else. You never wanted to hang out over the summer.”

   “I’m just busy with stuff, it’s nothing.” Evie peered at the walls plastered in their friendship. Felt every smiling version of herself in those old photographs wince at her lies. Stars exploding in total silence.

   “You’re going to leave Hawkins and sing your songs for people on a stage. You’re going to be world famous and I’ll get to point and say, that’s my best friend.” Heather grinned. “Keep breaking that shell. I can help you.”

   “I’ll try.” Evie scoffed. “You’re so drunk.”

   “I am…” Heather hummed. “Just talk to me, okay? I want you to be so happy again. Like we used to be when we’d go to the park. Play on swing sets.”

   “I won’t shut you out.” She replied as Heather settled, started to snore. “Goodnight, Heath.”

   “M’night.”

** ** **

   Billy was still raging into that night. Stumbled out of a bedroom pulling his tee back on, rooting around for his jacket. Most kids were starting to pass out on floors and couches.

   “Hey, this belong to you?” Brock plucked up leather so Billy snatched it. “Good to see you, Hargrove. You know, they say Hawkins would have finished out the basketball season with the title if you stayed on the team.”

   “They played favorites. Got sick of it.” Billy passed him, lightning a cigarette.

   “Come outside, sit with the guys.” Brock cocked his head, square jaw setting when he smiled.

   “Hey, B.” Tommy was stoned out of his mind. Looked at Billy like he was trying to find him in a haystack. Not with Carol so they must have had some fight. 

   Billy eyed the clear covered pool. Lights played up to touch his face before he plopped into a metal chair. Boys from Hawkins and other schools gathered around a glass table, drinking and shooting the shit. A joint was passed. Mostly rich, sporty types.

   “Hargrove. Hear you’re the Hawkins Keg King. What the hell happened with Harrington?” Brock faked interest, hands clasped.

   “Crashed and burned, man.” Tommy chortled, smacking Billy’s arm.

   “Who?” Just play dumb.

   “Don’t play coy, man, we all know you beat the shit out of him. Knocked the pretty boy down a few pegs.” Brock only grinned there. “So, you’re in the circle now.”

   “Oooh, do I get a medal?” Billy flicked his smoke aside and swiped Tommy’s beer to drink.

   “I like this guy, Hagan.” 

   “We can trust him.” Tommy winked, sitting back.

   “You’re not going to hunt me for sport, are you?” Billy inhaled sharper, unworried. Laughter erupted.

   “It’s funny you say that,” Brock took the floor, “because we are going to let you in on the deepest secret between the high schools. Something that brings all the boys together. Hawkins. Ridgemont. Hill Valley. Bates. We have this little tradition we do between Homecoming and Prom.”

   “Skirt Safari.” Brock’s right hand man chuckled, sucking the joint down. Few boys echoed it with laughter.

   “The hell is that?” Billy drank, shaking his hair out.

   “Some of us guys throw this big dance party. Rent out a nice place in town, pour some good money into a pool.” Brock shrugged. “You take a girl and we vote.”

   “Vote?” Billy puffed. More cruel smiles.

   “Yeah, on which girl is the ugliest beast.” Hyena cackling followed. Billy just stared with his brow raised.

   “Ah...What the fuck is this? Are you joking?”

   “Open season, man.” Another boy chimed in.

   “Walk with me, Hargrove, you have something special about you.” Brock got up, swiped the joint to finish it. Billy looked irritated and followed. Fresh air cleared his head. Behind them, teens chattered. “I think you’ll fit right in here. You live on Cherry Lane, right?”

   “What’s it to you?” Billy chucked the beer aside.

   “Next to that Fenny girl. Kinda cute in her new little outfits if you like something extra to grab onto.” Brock shrugged. Turned from Billy to eye the sky clearing up.

   “Didn’t she beat your ass last year?” A sly grin crossed.

   “Ah, you heard. Rumors have been exaggerated. Just like you and Harrington I’m sure. Getting booted from the team over a tiff.”

   “I left on my own, fuck them.”

   “Fenny had a thing for me and I said no because I was with someone, so she got emotional. Girls are like that. They get attached and upset when we don't give them what they need.” Brock stuffed his hands into his pockets. “She’s untouched, you know, so I heard. Flaunting her shit now and not letting us grab the goods. Asking for it man, but too afraid to follow through. I hate that teasing shit. They say the bookworms are wild in the sack. Bet you that musical girl can sing too.”

   “You obsessed with her now and her little outfits?” That earned Billy a brief heated expression. The boy was more observant than he was given credit for.

   “I just wanted to raise a challenge for you. Get Fenny to go to Skirt Safari as your date. New Years Eve, we’ll give you the address. Kiss her before the clock strikes twelve. She won’t earn you the win, but I’ll bet you money that you can’t get the famous ice queen to go.”

   “Man, this is so fucking stupid.” Billy clearly didn’t fit with this crowd of uppity shits. Heels spun to go.

   “Is three hundred dollars stupid?” Brock watched Billy skid. Blue eyes shifting to see him again. “Ah, I have your attention.”

   “Cash?” Billy could use it. Three hundred would go far for him. Brock Tannen knew that immediately about him.

   “I can show it to you if you like.” Brock displayed his teeth, almost glowing and sharp. “Show us that Hargrove charm and break the unbreakable. If you're the Keg King. Prove it. Let us see you in action.”

   “I take her to the shitty party and you give me three hundred bucks?" Billy asked carefully, eyes darting. "She doesn't have to find out about this vote shit you guys do?”

   “No, not a word from us. I'll even pay your end of the pool as a token. Just an innocent kiss before the ball drops. You don't have to screw her, unless she's your thing. Easy enough?” Brock held out his hand. Billy eyed the campy bunny chain around Tannen’s neck, huffed out his nose.

   Took the offer with a hard expression.

   “Deal.”

** ** **

   Evie rubbed her eyes the next morning and said bye to Heather, raking fingers through curls as she was dropped off. Jacket pulled close while she fumbled for keys and Heather drove off.

   Not even a second after, a blue Camaro was pulling up next door. 

   It was annoying how great Billy looked even with a hangover after a hard night of partying. He stunk of beer and smoke and his hair was ratted, but glowy as always. Evie groaned when he spotted her and got the key in the door.

   “Hey, Evie.” Was that her name he just used? “Hey, wait up.” Boots clicked to hurry toward her house. A stronger hand yanked the front door closed and Billy held his ground there. "Wait a second, I'm trying to talk to you."

   “Aren’t we both too hungover for this?” Already on the defensive. Makeup smeared around her eyes. She turned, applying some chapstick and sighed out. "What?"

   “Look.” Billy pushed his hands into his back pockets, eyes flicking away and back. “It was a dick move. The whole Heather thing.”

   “Yeah.” She waited for him to go on.

   “And I’m…” Sorry? “It was shitty.” He craned down toward her. "The stuff I said, I was fucking wasted."

   "And you're..." She tried to spell the word out with her eyes. Billy blinked innocently.

   "An asshole."

   Evie flattened.

   "Yes, but not what I was...ah, look, it doesn't matter. I was drunk and I jabbed too. And I am...sorry." A shrug before she tried the door again.

   Billy pulled it shut once more like this was a game, earning a sigh of irritation.

   "I'm still talking at you. I was...I am...a shithead." He couldn't wrap his squid tongue around a fucking apology. Christ.

   Evie looked expectantly, leaning in as if more should come.

   Billy sucked at this so he decided to jump right in.

   “I wanted to make it up to you. There’s this dance up in the city. Real bar. Real drinks. New Years Eve bash. Go with me.” It sounded like an order.

   “Go with you?” She blinked in shock. Grew pointed. “Ah, no, Billy.” Evie got her front door open again and pushed by him. Wondered if he was used to rejection in any form. So, she pushed pride aside. “But, Heather thinks you’re cute okay. Just ask her. It’s fine.”

   She got around the door and hid half behind it. Billy’s hand went flat to stop it from shutting.

   “I don’t want to ask Heather, I’m asking you.” He shrugged with big eyes. Bet ladies fell for it. Evie searched him, beyond confused. She hated confusion. It was too much. “You’re single, it’s this or some lame ass high school party.”

   He noted she opened her mouth and decided not to protest the single part. The hesitation was odd.

   "I...I happen to like lame ass high school parties." She stammered out.

   "Oh, sure." He winked.

   "Y-Yeah, I just love them actually because kids our age are very stupid. It's better than public television."

   "Right. Right." He sounded not convinced.

   "And, you're Billy Hargrove so any girl will jump at the chance, just ask-"

   “I’m asking you, Angel. Deal with it.” He lowered his tone and got closer. Flashed a darling smile then bit his lip. Slid that tongue over it. "Don't make me beg. You know I will."

   “You...I… Look, I’m...flattered but, I can’t. I, uh, have a thing.” Her voice trailed off. “Sorry.” The door shut.

   Billy gave this growl low in his throat. 

   “We have time, Fenny, I’m fine asking again.” His voice picked up. Silence. "All you gotta do is nod that pretty head of yours."

   Billy knew she heard it. He turned and dropped the grin when he spotted Max there on the sidewalk, skateboard in hand. Watching.

   "Are you asking Evie out?" She narrowed on him.

   "Mind your fucking business, shitbird." Billy stepped off the porch. "She's going to a party with me."

   "Sounded like she just said no to you."

   Billy swerved to get angry. Remembered a nail bat crashing between his legs. Shut his mouth.

   "Whatever." A puff.

   "She's nice," Max trailed after him, "you should, you know...ask her to something if you... She's cool. Cooler than you."

   He slowed, eyebrow raising.

   "Doesn't matter."

   "It's Saturday." Max explained, red hair catching the sunlight to flame up.

   "I know what day it is, Max, leave me alone." Billy was going up toward their house.

   "She probably said no because you stink so bad."

   "What the fuck?" He wheeled around again, chest puffing.

   Max smirked at him and Billy found himself matching it. Bold little shit.

   "I know what I said. And it's Saturday, that means she'll probably be helping her mom at that salon later. You should shower and show up. Girls like spontaneous stuff, it's thoughtful and you suck at that."

   Billy scrunched at her.

   "Since when do you care about...?"

   "About what?" She shuffled there on the grass. Peered at Neil's car in the driveway. "We're family now whether we like it or not. Which means I'm stuck looking out for you. Right, Billy?" Max dropped her skateboard, popping it up with one foot. "I like Evie and I don't want my brother being a jerk to her. Or anyone."

   Billy scoffed, near amused.

   "Right." He grumbled. Went up and paused to turn once more. "Max."

   "Yeah?" She readied to ride off.

   "Watch the board around my damn car, will you?" Billy heard her snort. "I got shit to do now, stay out of the way."

   "Take a shower and show up. Try asking instead of telling. See what happens." Max rode off with a clatter of wheels on concrete. He only shook his head again. Smiled to himself without thinking before he went in.

   Billy decided to take the advise on all accounts. She'd go with him.

   Certainty crept the more he looked at himself in the mirror and applied his aftershave. Maybe he forced the feeling so often, it was second nature. Fuck, looking at his reflection was never this difficult. Evie's words rang harder this morning.

   He didn't blame her for once.

   All these false fronts Billy showed the world. Old photographs flashing like a million dead stars. That was all we ever saw of them. Somewhere else, Evie heard those same stars dying too. Decayed and twinkling too pretty even still. It sounded almost like a cruel fate.

   A tongue swept over his lips before he tried something new. Eyes averting to speak quietly like someone might hear. Fingers twisting the silver ring about his middle finger.

   "Sorry."

   He resumed fixing his curls. Polished up that Hargrove charm until it shined bright.

   What Evangeline Fenny didn't know couldn't possibly hurt her, Billy reasoned.

   Right?

~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, chat with me if you have time! Tried to push another chp out quick. Imma pass out now XOXO TAGGED: @80sbxtch​ @nottherightseason​ @orxhidshavana​  

[unproduciblesmackdown]

hmm here’s me talking about su sort of lmao like i said i’m not here to be particularly scentamentle?? just say funney stories....and some opinions.....it’s really been a hot minute and i haven’t been making Long text posts about things so i can throw one out there even if it’s got no thesis statement

also like i said i just so happened to like, actually watch the first ep on actual tv when it actually premiered....all i super remember knowing about it beforehand was like “oh rebecca sugar getting her own series right on” and i was gonna check it out on that alone and then also i remember before it debuted there was an article about it in the wapo in the sort of “local”-ish section b/c it was like. hey this is based in uh yknow the dmv....delmarva area.....this whole Region.....and i (from nova and in nova at that time, and flipping thru the print wapo every day) was like haha. neat. also god damn it was 2013, hell of a year. i can tell you little about it b/c it was so crappy i just like did not bother much with things like “distinct memories” lmfao. great to have like, a weekly thing towards the end of that hot mess (november??? or smthing??) back when....god........it aired weekly.........anyways yeah i was pleasantly surprised from the start i don’t Get when people are like “can’t watch this in order :/ the first few eps don’t sell it well” like okay speak for yourself god dman....more on that later i’m sure lmfao. hot takes

my brother started watching it too just cuz he’s game for shit that way and i was keeping up with it. like i remember i thought cheeseburger backpack was extra fun and i think i showed him a rerun and i remember he thought it was funny lol the Raft Gag......and when i was watching tiger millionaire i kept For Real Laughing and he came over like what is going on.....and i think he was signed on from there........again pretty fun for it to be this weekly thing. also maybe i’m not here to be Sentamental but i was also like “oh no that Spoke to my feelings unexpected :(” during tiger millionaire when amethyst was all “you can’t let anyone make you feel like garbage” and “i only feel how i wanna feel” like guess who was in the early stages of “my self esteem is so crappy it’s starting to circle around into [trying to increase self esteem]”.........like i said hell of a time. though then that’d be 2014 by then i think?? still a hell of a time

started to get “i think i will draw the same character one million times” about it at some point in 2014 too lmfao......every instance of [me drawing the same shit one million times], which is the only way i ever draw anything, then like, benefits whatever i draw later cuz like. sure get some practice out of it. and even though like, it wasn’t quite as huge an Internet Thing as it was gonna get once i started to draw shit, it was already like, classic-me Kinda Niche to be like “hey gang who is going ham about the bored dumbass teens”....not so niche that there weren’t other people going “yeah i am” at any given time tho. and then we put our hands in the middle and go Yeah!! and jump up hsm style. it was also a great time for something Fun and (easier than marble hornets lol) to draw b/c. it simply was a good time for it.....struggling to draw shit back then even more than is like, usual. oh and also i forget but i had sort of Withdrawn from the mh fanbase b/c it got this whole influx of randos after fjsfdking the Video Game we all know the one and i was like. i am gonna.....sidle over here. nobody Likes to be in a fandom actually lmfao. and i mean even while su was getting to be A Whole Thing i was like. bro i am over here in the Donuts section and it is a little quieter and i use the tag sometimes but i’m all set, thanks. still the least Niche niche i’ve been in probably lmfao....see: the fact that probably still way most of my followers are here from su times even tho idk who’s even active still

also had a high time making some great Long Text Posts. i kind of always fail 2 grasp that even as much as my drawings that stuff leads to me actually getting to interact with people, b/c like, those text posts have me actually saying Words in them, which helps lmfao..........i think it’s like, these posts are probably Not That Fun for most people, but then for the people who Are like “oh sweet this is something that i actually want,” that’s obviously a helpful way to find a kindred spirit lmao.....like hey cool you already know i can’t shut up and am opinionated and obviously a lil much? fantastic let’s do this. plus idk it’s fun to Not Shut Up Actually. like, not the biggest deal. ppl can just Scroll Past. or not

speaking of “getting practice Not Shutting Up and Drawing Shit”.......hilarious when in late 2018 i find myself like. oh so you’re telling me this excellent character who is a self-sabotaging struggling-to-know-how-to-cope-with-shit-and-connect-with-others insecure af Teen is not appreciated / ignored / deemed Awful (and then ignored) by the majority of the fanbase?????? hahaha you don’t say....but No Problem. let me just talk about how this person has Complexity actually and is a lot more sympathetic than not and i hate all of you omg like do we have to do all of this ourselves lmfao........guess so, Fine

what am i talking about funny stories who is this funny to lmfao. okay no but okayyy what an experience when the island adventure preview came out and for like the next 4 days i did not experience depression lmao........i Jumped on the opportunity b/c it was like, early fall i wanna say??? i think sept?? 2014 and i was kinda mulling over going to gmx (which was this convention the Marble Hornets gang kept getting invited to & i’d been 2 twice b4 but missed the previous yr coz it was 2013 and i was way not thriving) and yeah jumped on the “depression / (as much) anxiety who???” superpower to Ask if it was cool if i went to a friend’s wedding in georgia for a weekend. there was no friend’s wedding in georgia. and then i went to gmx AND. ironically (not really im sure. idk what irony means and idc) gmx weekend ended up being the same weekend island adventure actually aired and when i left that morning (gmx being in nashville) my lil bro (getting up for school) was like GO GO and i actually made it in time to catch it in the hotel room but. they didn’t have the channel despite it being listed on the channel guide. i about flipped lmfao but i did see it later that weekend and flipped again. gmx was an a-okay time as well lmao that was the last time i made it

they may have never sold a licensed Lars S1 Green/Purple Snake Tee but look when i have this green racerback with a neat snake print & this necklace of purple quartz crystals and also when i was at gmx i bought this necklace with one (non purple, non actual crystals but plastic shaped like it / glossed) pendant In The Spirit Of It All and it gets compliments. anyways the point is. indirectly representing

speaking of crystals = lars i’d just like to reiterate that i’m always right. like sure i was like “look i don’t know how lars could have Crystal Magic in him but something is up with the fact he’s = pink magic flowers with crystals inside them Means Something.” i think it’s reasonable to Not have predicted he dies and gets revived w/ crystal magic that’s in him now. but that’s still a Win for realizing somethings up....tfw as early as like s2 times i’d be like “well the donuts gotta get involved in the center of adventure at Some point and also i Know it is important that steven is just lars’s rly annoying little brother and y/n do you think lars would die to protect him i think he would...” like. i didn’t wanna be That right :/

tfw me and my brother were watching rose’s scabbard while my mom was napping it out in the armchair and like silently Sharing A Look at the whole “she was beautiful” thing like. lol harold

i still don’t know how much of a Thing(tm) magfest is but as far as i can figure it it’s No Comic Con (like, thank god :| ) but still kind of a thing. anyways i learned of it cuz i saw there was gonna be a couple su panel thingies & i looked it up & we were less than an hour away and so it was like midnight but i ask my brother like hey wanna swing by this thing on this one friday. and he was like Sure. so i made it happen and he was 17 so we had to drag our dad to the bank to Notarize a form that he was allowed to be there accompanied by me. it was a big place and it also took us a while to find Registration or whatever and when we tried getting sandwiches later it cost like $7 each go figure. anyways but we were just there for the one Event & there was a room like filled with arcade games and a bunch of other consoles (also Retro though. like old computers n stuff) and they had Galaga, thank fucking god. we 2 playered that shit and wandered around and also 2 playered a game called toobin, which was funny. real gamers know. 

when we were in the (pretty long) Line to get into the Panel, i actually like. spotted a then-mutual who i (was pretty sure i) recognized from her occasional selfie lol and who i guess had travelled all the way from the west coast for the weekend. when we were actually Seated she happened to be a couple rows back and both of us on the end of the aisle and i asked my brother if he could read her nametag (to verify lol) and i bopped over to have the cringe and fail exchange of “hey do you have a Tumblr” and then i was like “haha i’m milo i’m ummmwine” and she got up to hug me and then i had to scamper back to my seat cuz shit was starting lol

like my life was not changed by this event but we had fun and. the Hilarious story is that it was also partially a Q&A and i had a Q and my brother encouraged me by again whispering “go go” as soon as the first syllable was spoken implying Line up For Questions.....i was in like, the last idk, haaalf dozen or so ppl who made it to the mic? and look i knew i was gonna be asking a niche question that like 3 other people of the hundreds in the room would care about but So What. deal with it gang, let’s have some Variety. but i was still nervous. and when i’m nervous, i a) Have A Script and b) get even chattier. and right after the person Right In Front Of Me got their answer, i guess it was noticed that it was getting down to the wire so they were like “haha okay lightning round :)” and i was like NO.......GOD..........lmfao like too late im sorry i Can’t make it lightning round. i was muy anxious.....just that, again, hundreds of people there, i have the floor, nobody’s gonna Like my quastion......and they didn’t know the answer (which i figured was v possible lol) so i was like oh no sklfjd hope this entire room doesn’t hate me. i mean of course i didn’t care if they did too much but, Nerves....also im valid, but were the like half dozen people who asked prior to me about shit that would CLEARLY be too spoilery to answer valid????? no lmfao. cmon. that’s what’s Really cringe

well here we ffw a bit b/c Mid To Late 2015 is certainly a time for me and it doesn’t really make for an interesting story so just to tldr it lmao like, got some beautiful moral support from someone as i was makin a Lifestyle Change lol and continued to get beautiful moral support from that same person and i continue to benefit from it....You know who you are!!!! tyvvm....and it occurred to me that the reason i am where i physically am is via someone i met thru su-posting.......which is true of the You Know who you are person too, which is why i brought it up lmao

uhh god not as many Stories after that lol.....def got to engage in “i’m ___ i’m gonna [draw the same character i always draw] so i won’t be so ___” during interesting times lol. love that for me

tbh the uh. Wanted arc was truly one of the best Serial Arcs, just dramatic & solid af and also it’s lars time and for a second i go “god well at least maybe now ppl will acknowledge lars is a gr8 character” and then a second later i go “Oh No they’ll only say he’s a good character *Now*” and that’s exactly what happened lmfao but well we still got as much lars fanart as we ever got outside that couple weeks aftermath... l o l . . . i had to wait One Zillion Years for my little brother to catch up to this b/c. he was watching via hulu i think where like, a full season would come out a good while after the finale. seriously i think it took him almost 2 years. im like dammit lmfao this is What Matters dfslk....fond memories when hulu was free / no login req’d / shit would be available like the day after airing

uhhhHHH crazy how this show muscled through the weird scheduling change where it was like “no weekly eps Only Erratic Hiatuses”......ppl were so foolishly Into the first “5 eps in a row” release and i was like “no i don’t like this” and then a year later i was like “you see. You See.” rip

i think we can even ffw to sutm at that point lol....im like im in this for lars okay lmfao kinda Shrugggg @ things by this point lol like finale shminale. where’s he at. and i really wasn’t paying a world of attention to like, prior-to-release lore n announcements so i was just plunged into this chaos of like sorry???? excuse me?? of all the people in the world sarah stiles?????? lfsdj like noooo don’t show me these tweets lmfao......truly it’s fine i’m being Hilarious but it’s also very real that like, when i see things like “showtime(tm)” or “SHO” or “billions content” i’m just doused with Dread b/c i hate this series lmao i swear to christ. but it’s really Fine lmfao like. i was kinda “eh :/” to “yea this is alright” about the rest of it but spinel was The Highlight lmfao and having $50 to go ham on her animation was great but really the voice acting Made It.....like the entire takeaways was uh the other friends sequence and fuckin uhh this part. fuck it up ms. stiles........hit it out of the park..........cain was the first funny bitch and spinel was the second. that thought just came to me and i will not elaborate. call that a revelation. oh and also it was a relief cuz i was like “i s2g if this Antagonist is like, aquamarine-style annoying af....i will die” but No. spinel is annoying af in another way which is her rights and i don’t want to die about it lmfao. she’s good.......i don’t even resent the “how come whenever some rando shows up ready to literally kill everyone for no good reason, all of you are ready to be like ‘wow an icon’ and we can’t have 10% of that energy for the teen who’s kinda bitchy b/c he’s annoyed by life and crap???” thing b/c i mean, she had her whole Arc all at once and also is good enough for it i think. the nadir was when the one rando shows up for like One episode like “i Don’t want to kill everyone :3 syke >:)” and for some reason people were like “omg iconic. call them on their ‘don’t kill everyone’ bullshit” like lol i hate you guys

well i like lars’s [last outfit we see him in] and i feel like it only backs up the bi agenda. another epic gamer moment had been when it became a Popular Hc that lars is trans b/c he is lmao. and everyone was all “why is everyone sayign this why would you want him to be trans he sucks” like get good grandma!!!!!!!! it’s too late. well that’s the end of my post. me in 2014 being like “wow way to have something to keep up with b/c now i have to outlive it to get all the dnads content i guess” and here i am. but it’s almost April 2020 so. haha 

hmm what’s a less ominous ending. oh shit another thing that was funny is i was like So about these Skull Plugs featured in this semi-official drawing of lars once and then horror club came out (fun b/c i like horror) and had the skull plugs for Real & they were glow in the dark. that was a big day for me even seeing the promos lmfao. except then i guess it was foreshadowing, so again i end this with Death. don’t we all

wait no lsfdjs What tf was matthew moy talking about “i like your hair.” dude dropping an i-guess cut line on us lmfao. alright alright im done