#industry unicorns
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Any thoughts on the "Fix Team Fortress 2" movement? Is there anything their fans can do differently to try and get some change to happen?
Valve is pretty notorious for being an industry unicorn doing their own thing. They're a privately held company, meaning they have no shareholders to answer to besides their own founders. They make money hand over fist because they own a major distribution platform that maintains a plurality of customers on PC, meaning that angry player feedback has significantly less effect on their bottom line. Valve is also notorious for allowing their developers to work on whatever they want to work on. In aggregate, these factors combine into a company whose devs can basically do whatever they want, without needing to be beholden to any external pressures to do this or that.
Many gamers mythologize this kind of "perfect game development environment" where the devs aren't beholden to shareholders or publishers or politics or whatever else. Well, this can also be a double-edged sword monkey's paw kind of situation as well. Such an environment also makes the devs not beholden to the players of their games either. They can choose whether they want to listen or not, and the TF2 players can choose to take their business elsewhere. The unfortunate truth is that Steam will continue to pay Valve's bills for the foreseeable future, which gives them license to ignore the TF2 players for as long as they want. Unless the players can somehow persuade enough of Valve's developers (and the right developers too - a character artist certainly isn't going to write bot detection code) to drop whatever they've chosen to work on and switch over to fixing TF2, it's probably not going to happen unless something major changes.
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B and I both have twin daybed-to-king pullouts in our offices so we can convert them into guest rooms. We have family coming into town today and I think you can probably guess whose office will be hosting the adults and whose will be hosting the kids for the long weekend. 😂🌈💕 (+bonus Deacon)
#mylife#office#home decor#he said he wanted black and brown industrial with maybe some red and yellow#so that’s what I gave him#and I wanted unicorns and rainbows and pink so that’s what I gave myself#lol
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recent zombie unicorn design >:D
#lushminda art#lushminda#zombie#zombie unicorn#unicorn#frankestein#goth#gothic#y2k#industrial#furry#furry girl
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While I absolutely loved 2025 for Atlus games I really, really do hope we'll see a Persona 6 announcement this year. Like, I know it's almost a joke to want "the next Persona game" but I have never felt more like we need Persona 6 to be the next major game Atlus announces. Or even a Persona 1/2 port/remaster. Hell I'll take literally ANYTHING other than p5 right now (or a p4 remake please let's. avoid that for a bit).
#atlus#persona 6#don't get me wrong: metaphor SMTVV P3R Unicorn Overlord and P5X (china only) have all been great#but man i'm so burnt out on p5 stuff#the slate has been CLEANED atlus has no more big games slated for the next year we are PRIMED AND READY#ngl it feels like the whole gaming industry is holding their breath for switch 2's release/direct
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6.5.2024
#sometimesanequine#equineart#equine art#horseart#horse art#junicorn#junicorn2024#day 5 prompt of industrial!#i don't really like this one but i didn't really know what to do for industrial#i also dont like the thought of people living in the unicorn but i put shadows in some of the windows anyways#why? not entirely sure if im being honest
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Thelma the Unicorn is set to hit Netflix on May 17th!! 🦄✨
I had an amazing time working on this as a fix artist / tech animator with the most incredible team in Montréal!! The latest article with cast announcements and other details can be found: here.
#thelma the unicorn#netflix#animated movies#animation#2024 movies#first industry job babeyyy...#i love this project SO much.#i wish i could say more but: MARK YOUR CALENDAR!!#she's gonna be a GOOD one 🔥#thelma tag /
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The Pizza Knight Saves The Princess is a fantasy-comedy choose-your-own-adventure-style visual novel being developed by Dragon's Den Studios. Set on the planet Comestibla, where everything & everyone is made of food, we play as the Pizza Knight as he tries to save his beloved Water Ice Princess from the castle of the evil Chocolate Count. You can download the demo for free HERE: https://dragons-den-studios.itch.io/the-pizza-knight-saves-the-princess
Over the course of this month I'll be posting some of the game's art to this blog!
This image depicts the Pizza Knight and the Water Ice Princess on their wedding day. Their clothing is white like napkins because they're made of napkins. It's tradition for spouses to give each other gifts; the knight gets a plushy and the princess gets a basil plant (a traditional wedding present among pizza-folk). Looking on are Horse D'Ouevres (left) and one of the WIP's marshmallow unicorns (right), which I based on prehistoric rhinoceratids.
#dragon's den studios#the pizza knight saves the princess#pizza#water ice#hard-boiled egg#marshmallow#medieval fantasy#well sort of they're industrializing#the pizza knight#the water ice princess#horse d'oeuvres#visual novel#indie games#indie game dev#wedding#unicorn#basil
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Alas, I am young and stubborn
#this is about the publishing industry#I have edited before and I will edit again#no unicorn stat outliers here. it's all time+luck and my blood&sweat&tears. unfortunately.#would've loved to be an outlier who gets a deal in a week#alas#it's stubbornness instead.
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In your answer about technical designers, you remarked that technical artists are "special unicorns" - what sorts of things give them that status, and what does it mean for a technical artist's career? Are there any other jobs in game dev you feel fall into the "special unicorn" category?
"Special unicorn" roles are generally similar in how difficult it is to find them combined with how useful they are to a dev team. Besides Technical Artist, there's also console architecture experts and Houdini VFX experts. While this list is by no means exhaustive, all three of these roles are in fields that are both difficult to master and extremely useful in most game dev teams.

Technical artists are the rare combination of being both technically minded and artistically minded at the same time. Somebody who is able to perform in both arenas at a professional level is rare, but the needs for people with those skills are enormous. Being able to build out and improve the tools and technology for other artists to create high quality visuals is in high demand because just about every team needs one.
A software engineer that specializes in game console architecture, for example, is incredibly useful to have on a team - every game on that platform will need optimization and having an expert direct those initiatives makes a big difference. However, game console architecture is both difficult to learn, lacks much public-facing documentation and material, and a constantly-moving target as firmware updates and such come. This also makes console architecture experts a "special unicorn" role.
Good-looking VFX are needed in most games. Doing really good VFX generally involves a good understanding of procedural generation and simulation. Many in the industry use Houdini to create the sort of VFX shots you see in TV, movies, and video games. However, Houdini is both incredibly powerful and difficult to master. Thus they also meet the criteria for "special unicorn".
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GenAI in India: Tech Industry Partnerships Catalyze Adoption

The likes of IBM, Tech Mahindra, Google Cloud, Netapp, Deloitte, ServiceNow and the likes are all jumping into the GenAI bandwagon. APAC News Network explores the dynamics of some of these partnerships.
GenAI or Generative AI is fast gaining grounds in India, especially in terms of acceptance by different stakeholders. These include the different enterprises across different verticals using GenAI in different facets of their businesses. Another stakeholder has been the Indian GenAI-based SaaS startups whose numbers too are rapidly rising every year. Add to this the IT services giants and software giants who too are jumping into the GenAI bandwagon. Last but not the least, the government too is supporting the GenAI revolution with proactive policy formation and creating appropriate implementation environment in the country.
Worldwide there is an explosion in the number of Gen AI-native SaaS companies and a surge in investment capital, with over $12 billion funneled into 60+ emerging domains in FY23 alone. The Indian players, on the other hand, raised $590 million in funding during the same time period. While globally there are 259 generative AI startups as of 2024, in India there are around 20+ pure-play generative AI startups.
Also Read More Here : https://apacnewsnetwork.com/2024/04/genai-in-india-tech-industry-partnerships-catalyze-adoption/
#GenAI in India Tech Industry Partnerships Catalyze Adoption#GenAI in India#Tech Industry Partnerships Catalyze Adoption#Sandip Patel#MD#IBM India#Sandip Patel MD IBM India#Chetan Krishnamurthy#VP#Ecosystem and Digital Sales#Asia Pacific#IBM#Chetan Krishnamurthy VP Ecosystem and Digital Sales Asia Pacific IBM#Karthik Rajaram VP & GM Elastic India#Sunil Gupta#Co-Founder#MD and CEO#Yotta Data Services#Sunil Gupta Co-Founder MD and CEO Yotta Data Services#Pravjit Tiwana#SVP & GM#Cloud Storage#NetApp#Pravjit Tiwana SVP & GM Cloud Storage NetApp#Anshul Shrivastava CEO Vodex#Bhaskar Majumdar Managing Partner Unicorn India Ventures
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Hunger strike in Stewart Detention Center
youtube
#news#american politics#nonviolentresistance#prison abolition#abuse of power#prison industrial complex#unicorn riot#video#article#Youtube
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OH MY GODDDDDDDDD



Guys I’m in capybara hell
#WANNTTTTT#i remember#Seeing an article saying that capybaras are the toy industries new unicorn#I do not object#Capybaras are better
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Something about Billy Batson being a reporter has sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, especially with all the comparisons to Superman and Captain Marvel.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s hilarious to have this small ass child walk into littéral war zones, report it live, come out completely unscathed and have everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with this kid.
I do like it better when he’s a radio host, and I like to think he takes over when he’s an adult after Mr Morris retires. But I have a better suggestion.
Billy Batson should run an animal conservatory. Be it as an adult or maybe as a child (and uses Dudley’s as a cover for any adult legitimacy).
I think this is the best possible job for him for three reasons:
1) Being a radio host/ reporter or anything in that industry requires a lot of time management, and which Billy’s Champion duties, where he can find himself in time shenanigans, I don’t think it’s the best fit for him. I do think FREDDY should take over Whiz Radio after Mr Morris retires. Have the Newsboys association pair up with Whiz, and let Freddy “Natural Born Leader With A Knack For Journalism” Freeman be somewhere he could actually thrive.
2) I head-cannon that Billy has a hyper fixation on animals. It might have stated with Tigers (I’m looking at you Tawny) but I see it delving into other animals like crocodiles, hypos then rabbits … Ect. With all the bipedal magic animal people, I see him taking an interest in them and genuinely wants to learn more about them. I see him taking over the zoo after Dudley retires, but then converts it into a conservatory and makes expansions (I’ll explain why in a bit).
3) I also see him hyper fixating on magic. So naturally he hyper fixated extra hard on magical creatures. Say he finds out smuggling rings and hunting organisations hunting magical creatures,he would need a place for them to shelter them for them to recover. And maybe decided to host and take care of almost extinct species, and care for them as his own.
So in the eyes of the public, he runs an animal conservatory dedicated to nurturing wounded animals and host endangered species. But secretly does the same thing for magical creatures as well as have a place for them to stay while he takes care of the Smugglers and Hunters. If they decide to stay and protect their territory afterwards, then that’s defiantly not a complaint.
Darla would love to work there (if she exists here). Specially on the magical creature side (couch unicorns cough). I see Mary also being extreme interested (may be for the less magical side), and could work there when she’s not doing her model/celebrity work.
Idk, the reporter by day trope has been a bit over used, and while I may like it, I absolutely love the idea of Billy mixing his Champion duties with his job that he would absolutely love.
#billy batson#dc captain marvel#dc#shazam#tawky tawny#mary batson#mary bromfield#freddy freeman#he should be the reporter#it just makes more sense#he’s also scary good at infiltration#Billy Batson runs a conservatory
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Going Green
"Microtransactions!"
Charles looked around the board members.
"Micro. Transactions. Have you ever heard of that? Anyone?"
Slowly, heads nodded.
"Oh, good! So, you *have* heard of them. Does anyone care to explain to me then why our games barely have any? In fact, I have yet to see *any* microtransaction revenue from our latest release."
"But Sir, 'Orcs and Morcs' is a single player game - and not for a mobile platform, too. It doesn't even have an online connection. It would be highly unusual."
Charles M. Anderson cut the engineer up with a gesture. He didn't even know the other man's name, which wasn't too unusual. Even though he was the CEO of GreenGames for six months now, he didn't bother to learn his subordinates names until they proved useful. And this unnamed engineer could be happy if he still had a job after this meeting.
"I don't care about your techno-babble. Microtransactions is where the money is, so I want them in our products. *All* our products. And make sure to make them mandatory for any progress, too."
Charles usually talked about "Releases" and "Products". To him, video games were just a product like any other. Of course *he* didn't play any of those silly games, games were for children and losers. He only cared for the numbers, the graphs and revenues.
"What about the backlash? I mean, I understand that you want to generate more revenue, but GreenGames is known for providing high quality games that *don't* try to rip their customers off."
"So?"
"So, this could be bad publicity for us. Really bad."
Charles looked around the table and noticed most of the other board members nodding.
"Listen up, everyone. I think there is some misunderstanding here. You think that I care about our customers. I really don't, as long as they continue to buy our products. There is no such thing as bad publicity. So, I don't tell you how to draw your silly ogres and you don't try to meddle in the business aspect of the company, okay?"
Even though the inflection suggested a question, it was perfectly clear that it was neither a question nor a request. Again, heads nodded and tried to avoid eye contact. Good. Respect was very important for a leader.
One woman spoke up. Charles suspected her to be some lead writer or something.
"It's orcs, Sir."
Charles blinked. "What are you trying to say?"
"You said ogres, but our games are about orcs. That is our thing, we make games about orcs."
"There is no difference between orcs, ogres, unicorns and all that whimsy stuff. Leave me alone with your fantasy crap."
"But there is another thing. You are responsible for the story of our products?"
The woman agreed with a careful: "Yes, Sir?"
Charles looked her straight in the eye. "It has come to my attention that there are certain woke elements in our products. As a story writer, I expect you to take care of that."
"What... do you mean by woke? And by taking care of that?"
Charles sighed. Why was everyone so incompetent?
"Apparently, there is same-sex smut in our products, some even have pronouns. That crap needs to disappear asap. It is 'go woke go broke', after all."
The writer woman looked at Charles incredulously. "But Sir! Same-Sex romances are a well-accepted part of the industry for *decades* now. And it's not like the player has to engage in that, too. It's just an option - an option we actually received much praise for in the past. And about the pronouns... It's just a setting that influences some dialogues on how the player character is referred to. Again, it is perfectly possible to play as a straight green cis male if that's what you want to do."
Charles shook his head, his voice now dangerously low. "One more word of that, miss, and you can start looking for a new job. 84% of our customer base is male, and male customers want to see boobs, that's a fact. I won't tolerate wasting company resources on pacifying some noisy minority and alienating our main audience."
"But sir!" the writer woman objected.
Charles' look silenced her.
"One more word and you're out. We'll find another writer. Someone who does the job and keeps their mouth shut. This meeting is over. I expect results end of next week."
Nobody dared to speak up when everybody left the meeting room, and Charles returned to his office. What a productive meeting.
Just as he turned to his computer to check today's KPIs, he noticed a new email.
From: Employee Council
To: Charles M. Anderson
Subject: Going Green
Body:
Dear Mr. Anderson,
we here at GreenGames would like to take the opportunity to point out some concerns about your leadership role.
We have noticed a disturbing development since your takeover and would like to remind you of the values we stand for at GreenGames. We like creating games, and we identify with the work we do. Our players are important to us, and we strife to be open and accessible for everyone. Just like the protagonists in our games, we have honor and use our strengths to better the world. You in particular should be the living embodiment of this ideal. Please take this chance to re-think your methods and decisions and "go green" for real.
Sincerely,
The Employee Council.
Charles was outraged. How dared those subordinates criticizing him? He reached for his phone, ready to phone his secretary to find out who this "Employee Council" was but was interrupted by a ripping sound.
The right arm of his expensive suit jacket had ripped at the shoulder, which was unusual. He would have to have a stern talk with the tailor. Charles stood up and took off his jacket - or at least, he tried to. It was like the piece of clothing was way too small all of a sudden. He finally managed to get out of it, but only with several more rips in the fabric. Charles loosened his tie. He was sweating like mad, and when he looked down on himself, he was in utter disarray. His shirt looked like it was several numbers too small and as he was watching, one button after the other flew off with an audible "pling", exposing his torso underneath.
But was it really his torso? Not only was it *bigger*, it also looked way *hairier*. Charles had never been a man with much body hair, but now, he looked down on a stomach that was showing visible abs covered with a dense treasure trail of dark hairs. They continued upwards where they met with a true forest of curly dark hair that covered the slabs of pecs that were still growing as Charles watched.
He had to loosen his tie again before taking it off entirely. All of his clothes felt constricting, so, he peeled himself out of his shirt, too. His expensive watch was interrupting his growth painfully, but Charles was too occupied to notice, let alone care. With a dull cracking noise, the leather strap broke, and the watch flew across the room, hitting the opposite wall.
As Charles continued to grow, the chair underneath him creaked, but, again, he had other things to worry about. His lower body was still covered by his dress pants and shoes, but that was getting tight, too. His shoes especially were getting painful, and it was a relief when the front broke, exposing large muscular feet and toes. His pants were filled to the brim with heavy, muscled legs now, but there was another region where the capacity had been reached. His groin formed an obscene bulge. That alone would have probably fit - barely - but it was accompanied by an unusual feeling. Charles didn't *mind* his extreme change. In fact, the hyper masculine body turned him on, even. He watched as a dick print became clearly visible outlined against his groin, as his cock grew hard. It pulsed, once, and Charles felt a spurt of precum soak into his boxer shorts. A wet patch became apparent as the liquid seeped through his pants - all from a single spurt. His dick pulsed again, and Charles' head began to swim. The air in the room was thick with sweat and testosterone by now, and Charles groaned from arousal. Man, what would he give for a nice firm manly ass right now, giving him a lap dance.
Wait, what? Manly ass?
But it was true! Every time, Charles tried to think about sexy girls, but all that came to mind were men. Burly, hairy men, twinkish shaved men, green-skinned ogre-man. No, not ogres, he corrected himself. Orcs.
As he thought this word, his dick pulsed again and made Charles almost cry out from arousal. He couldn't restrain himself anymore. He *ripped* apart his dress pants and lowered his boxer shorts that looked like a pair of briefs on his massive body now, releasing a gigantic stiff rod and a matching set of heavy balls - along with a whole cloud of manly, musky smell that made Charles even hornier than before.
He closed his gigantic hand around his shaft and moved it up and down, in a slow, barely constrained motion. He had almost come by that one stroke, so horny was his mind. Fascinatedly, he watched as his cock and balls took on a deep, green color. It looked almost like a cucumber, or the penis of the incredible hulk. Or... an orc. As he moved his strong hand up and down again, the green started to spread in all directions.
Yes! There was no doubt: He was becoming a big, strong, sexy orc! Charles let all restraints fall away and started pumping in earnest now. With each stroke, the green spread, until his entire torso was of a rich green color. His head felt a pressure as his facial structure reformed, and his ears grew long and pointy. His hair lost darkened and grew out into a wild mohawk-like hairstyle. At the same time, a black beard sprouted around his entire jaw, underlining his masculinity.
Meanwhile, the green had swept across his arms and legs, quickly eliminating any leftover pink spots. The green color looked incredibly hot under the coat of dense, manly hair, and Charles felt himself getting closer. He grunted with each stroke like an animal and where his muscular green body touched the furniture or his executive chair, it left a film of manly sweat. Finally, he felt a short bit of pain on his ears and nipples, as small metal piercings appeared there: Short studs in his ears and small rings in his nipples.
That sent him over the edge. With a final bellow, he came, mightily. His large green balls contracted and his massive cock spew cum everywhere: All over his stomach, his chest, his furniture, even his face!
Charr panted in the afterglow of his orgasm. He was the epitome of virility and although he had just cummed all over his office, his mind kept creeping back to sexy guys again. He would be able to go again, soon - but that had to wait a bit. He used the remains of his suit to clean up a bit (although it was still clearly visible and smellable what happened here), stuffed his mighty tool into the cum-stained underwear and reached for the phone.
"Please send the board to my office, I want to issue an honorable apology, and announce our new strategy." He rumbled with his new, low voice. After a moment of consideration, he added: "And please send someone to install our games on my PC."
He rubbed his hands. This would usher in a whole new era for GreenGames - with the greenest possible CEO.
I have the feeling that a lot of companies could benefit greatly from a bit of a greener leadership!
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A Curse [Chapter 3: Flower District]
Series summary: You are an aspiring actress. Aegon is a washed-up and disenchanted agent…at least until he sees something special in you. But within paradisical seaside Los Angeles you find terrible dangers and temptations, secrets and lies. Maybe Aegon’s right; maybe the City of Angels really is a curse.
Chapter warnings: Language, mentions of sexual content (18+ readers only), age-gap relationship, entertainment industry misogyny, some body dissatisfaction/dysmorphia, medical stuff, a creepy dude, a special surprise is found in Aegon's office!!!
Word count: 6.2k
💜 All my writing can be found HERE! 💜
Tagging: @lauraneedstochill @mrs-starkgaryen @chattylurker @neithriddle @ecstaticactus, more in comments! 🥰
🏝️ Let me know if you’d like to be added to the taglist 🏝️
You sleep in late and wake to the sound of excited voices out in the kitchen. When you follow them, you find Baela using a pink Click ‘n Flame utility lighter to ignite the candles on a sloppily but lovingly homemade cake, Pillsbury Funfetti according to the blue box left upturned on the countertop, lumpy white icing dotted with multicolored sprinkles. Jace must be responsible. You panic, thinking that you have forgotten a birthday, but no: you quickly recall that Baela is a Sagittarius and Jace is—somewhat improbably—a Capricorn.
“What are we celebrating?” you ask.
Baela looks up from the cake, the candlelight luminescence radiant on her face. She is beaming, she is glowing, she is definitely meant to be an actress. She shines too brightly to belong anywhere but among the stars. “I got the part.”
“Which part?”
“The one in the new Yorgos Lanthimos movie!”
“No way!” you shout, and you rush over to hug her; but already there is a sinking feeling that you are dimly aware of through the rush, and when the revelry is over you will lie in bed alone with these thoughts, treasonous yet true: When will it be my turn? Why can’t this happen to me? “That’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you!”
“It’s about the French Revolution,” Baela says when you pull away, still grinning hugely. “I’m getting third billing, my name will be on the promo posters! I’m flying to Paris for filming next month!”
“Wow.” Your smile is frozen on your face. “Wow, wow, wow, I can’t believe it. This is so awesome!”
Then Baela realizes how it must feel for you, and she is sympathetic, rubbing your shoulder as her expression twists into something soft and bashful. “But hey, your luck is turning around too!”
“Yeah,” Jace says. “You got to be in Episode 5,000 of Grey’s Anatomy.” Baela gives him a reproachful glare. “What?” he asks, clueless.
“No, it’s totally cool,” you insist. “I’m really, really thrilled for you, Baela. You have to take a million pictures in Paris so I can see all the architecture and desserts and hot French dudes!”
Jace snorts. “Are French dudes even hot?” He sounds skeptical.
“You can be my date to the premiere,” Baela tells you. Jace gapes at her, incredulous. “We can pose together on the red carpet and you can do some networking! Maybe Yorgos will even like you and cast you in his next project!”
But something about the way she says it makes the prospect sound ludicrous, fantastical, fictional. Baela’s breakthrough is reality, yours is unicorns and mermaids and the Loch Ness Monster. “You are so wonderful, but you should take Jace.”
“Yeah, you should take Jace,” Jace says.
Baela pulls a knife out of the bamboo block on the kitchen counter. Her parents bought it, like they bought almost everything else in the apartment; they believe in her, lots of people do. “Do you want some cake? When’s your appointment?” The appointment you didn’t cancel, contrary to Aegon’s explicit instructions. Technically, you never agreed to, so you haven’t lied to him. That makes you feel better. Baela glances at the calendar and reads the time written there in red ink. “Oh good, not until noon. You definitely have time for cake!”
“Babe, you gotta blow out your candles first,” Jace says. Baela closes her eyes, becomes still and serene, extinguishes the tiny golden flickers of light with one delicate puff. Then she begins cutting the Funfetti cake. You get three forks from the silverware drawer. Jace hands you a plate from the cabinet as he complains about having to go to class today: Music Aesthetics, Analysis, and Philosophy.
“Just a little one, please,” you tell Baela. A moment later, she plops a skinny slice of cake onto your plate. “Thanks, Becca! Wait, no, I mean Baela. Sorry.”
She laughs, still wielding a knife covered in white frosting. “Who’s Becca?”
“Aegon’s fiancée.”
“Oh, your agent’s future wife? The agent that you are definitely not into at all?”
“Yeah, that one, you got it.” You give her a wink and take a bite of cake: frosting so sweet it hurts your teeth, tiny kaleidoscopic flecks of candy like gold in a stream.
~~~~~~~~~~
“So, which one are you liking the feel of?” Dr. Cunningham asks, smiling in a way that is effervescent and yet impersonal, vaguely impatient, a real estate agent type of charisma. He must be in his mid-fifties, and yet his face is nearly entirely purged of wrinkles, smooth and shiny and evenly tanned. His teeth are too perfect to not be veneers. People keep suggesting those to you too; you need more time to wrap your mind around the idea of having your canines and incisors shaved down to helpless nubs.
“Um…” You go down the line again, squeezing all three samples that are arranged on the stainless steel utility table that Dr. Cunningham wheeled over to you. “I walked in wanting the gummy bear implants, and I think I feel the same way now.”
“Excellent!” he says, wearing that same smile. His eyes, very blue, never change; they are alert yet vacuous, like the fatal error screen on a Windows computer.
“And they’re safer, aren’t they? The gummy bear ones?”
“Statistically, yes,” Dr. Cunningham agrees, somewhat briskly, as if he is eager to change the subject. “But I wouldn’t worry about that. I hardly ever see ruptures in any of my patients.”
Hardly ever, not never. “That’s good!” you say spiritedly, like a star pupil.
“As I mentioned earlier, they are a bit more expensive than the other options, but we have several financing options available.”
“My parents are paying, so no worries there.”
“Fantastic.” He’s still smiling. You kind of wish he would stop. “You want to be an actress, I assume?”
“I do, yeah! How’d you know?”
He chuckles as he rolls the small metal table away. “That’s what all the girls are doing out here, right? And if it’s not acting, it’s singing, or modelling, or…what do you call that, when you make money on TikTok or wherever?”
“Being an influencer.”
“Right,” Dr. Cunningham says. “Well, I wish you the very best of luck.” It’s chivalrous but hollow, an echo of the encouragement he’s given to thousands of women just like you, except probably more beautiful and more talented and actually getting some of the parts they audition for.
I got a part, you think, and your mood lifts a bit. Aegon finally found me one. And he believes I’ll get more.
“Is it okay if I take a look?” the ever-smiling Dr. Cunningham says, and your heart begins to pound beneath the gown you’re wearing, scratchy white polyester-blend fabric that opens in the front. But this is all standard procedure, and you knew to expect an exam, and you should not feel like you’re lining up for the firing squad.
“Of course!” you exclaim too enthusiastically; your voice cracks. You undo the tie down by your waist and the fabric across your chest and belly goes slack. Your tan TOMS wedges are scattered on the linoleum floor that’s supposed to look like wood. The sundress you wore to the appointment, patterned with large sunlit palm leaves, is folded on a chair. Your eyeshadow matches: matte green Thorns by Anastasia Beverly Hills, sparkly gold Whisper by Natasha Denona.
As Dr. Cunningham opens your gown and begins the exam, you stare at a framed print of Venice Beach on the wall, and you pretend you are there under the hot glaring daylight instead of here in a frigidly air-conditioned office being prodded and manipulated, measured not to be admired or understood but only to be improved upon.
Dr. Cunningham is saying: “Just so you’re aware, due to how firm a gummy bear implant is, we typically have to make a slightly larger incision in order to insert it. Saline and traditional silicone implants, being more flexible, can be squeezed in through a smaller opening, for example using a transaxillary incision in the underarm. But they’re also more prone to wrinkling and rippling, and they must be replaced more frequently, so that pliability comes at a cost. I think gummy bear implants are a very good choice for you.”
“And…where exactly would the incision be?” Your heartbeat is still thunderous; you can hear the scorching red blood flow throbbing in your ears. Dr. Cunningham either doesn’t notice or doesn’t mention it.
“We’d go in right here,” he says, skimming his gloved fingers just beneath your left breast, your raw heart just two inches away. Goosebumps prickle on your arms. “It’s what we call an inframammary incision, and it gives us more room to work with to ensure the implant is placed properly, and…”
He loses his train of thought, interrupted by a commotion out in the lobby. Through the closed exam room door, you can hear people arguing and then something being spilled—the jar of pens on the receptionist’s desk? the glass bowl of mints?—and heavy sprinting footsteps. Dr. Cunningham pulls his hands away and you snatch your gown shut just as the door bursts open, and Aegon stands there breathing heavily from the exertion, hair in disarray, white Nike Killshots with a red slash of a Swoosh, dark jeans, salmon-colored t-shirt that’s too big for him, tan sport coat jacket yanked off of his shoulders. His attacker, the elderly receptionist, has chased him to the doorway.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” she’s shrieking. She smacks him with a massive leather purse. “You can’t just go barging in on patients! What are you, some kind of druggie? We don’t keep any opioids in this office!”
Dr. Cunningham yells: “Will you call the police, Barbara?!”
“No wait, I know him,” you say, and both Dr. Cunningham and the receptionist stare hostilely at you. You ignore them and look at Aegon instead, stunned. “Hi.”
He straightens his jacket. His eyes, that dark and turbulent blue, are fixed on your face as you hastily retie your gown so it stays shut. “Hi. What the fuck are you doing?”
“It’s just a consultation.”
“For a surgery you’re not going to have?”
You shake your head in disbelief. “How did you know I was here?”
“I just had this feeling you weren’t going to cancel,” Aegon says. “So I went to your apartment and you weren’t home, but your roommate told me where you were and gave me the address that you wrote on the calendar.”
“Oh.”
“She’s very nice. Your roommate, I mean.”
“Yeah, Baela’s cool.”
“She offered me a piece of Funfetti cake.”
“Did you take it?”
“No. I was in a hurry to get here.”
“Right.” You remain seated on the edge of the exam table with your hands clasped together in your lap. The receptionist and Dr. Cunningham’s bewildered gazes fly between you and the intruder.
Aegon sighs and nods towards the hallway that leads out to the lobby and the front door of the office. “Come on,” he says gently. “Get dressed. Let’s go.”
“I can’t,” you reply.
“Why not?”
You don’t answer; your eyes dart to the print of Venice Beach on the wall and stay there as they begin to water. Aegon crosses the room—the receptionist and Dr. Cunningham shuffle around the cramped space to keep away from him—and stops when he is standing right in front of you, his hands in the pockets of his rumpled tan jacket.
“Why not?” Aegon asks again, very softly now.
You look at him. Your voice is a quivering whisper. “I don’t want to have to give this up.” The city, the potential, the dream.
“Hey,” Aegon murmurs, leaning in close. You can smell the ocean and sunlight and Juicy Fruit gum. Strands of blonde hair, ripped from the sheen of gel, shag over his forehead. “You’re bright as hell just the way you are. You don’t need surgery to be an actress. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
And immediately, you are ready to leave. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.” You wriggle down off of the exam table, check your gown to make sure you’re still covered, and turn to Dr. Cunningham. “I guess I’m not interested anymore.”
“Please never set foot in my office again,” he says.
“No problem,” Aegon snaps. And then to you: “I’ll meet you outside. We’ll get lunch.”
“Sure,” you reply, still a little dazed.
Aegon hurries out of the exam room before the police are summoned. Dr. Cunningham and the receptionist leave too, muttering to each other and casting you appalled glares. When you are alone, you throw off the gown and put on your bra, wedges, and sundress…and as you are smoothing the creases from the soft cotton patterned with palm leaves, you smile to yourself, kind pink heat swirling in your cheeks.
Aegon is in the parking lot and leaning against his white Chrysler Sebring convertible. He has put on his black aviator sunglasses to blot out the intense afternoon sun. Dr. Cunningham’s office is on a busy street in Beverly Hills; you can hear car horns, pedestrians shouting into their cellphones, toy dogs yapping, Shape Of You chiming from a passing Mercedes. Across the street is a series of shops in a row, Starbucks and Neiman Marcus and Gucci. Aegon says, pointing to your 2003 Honda Accord: “I’ll drive you back to get your car later.”
“Okay. Where are we going?”
“Chinatown,” he says, opening the passenger’s door of his Sebring. “And from now on, you listen when I tell you to do something, just like you said you would.”
“I’ll be your best client ever,” you promise, climbing into the car. The top is down, the wind blowing in from the Pacific Ocean to the west.
“I’m here for a reason. It’s not to be ignored. I can be your advocate, but you have to be honest with me.”
“I completely understand. I won’t mislead you again.”
“The Grey’s Anatomy people really liked you, by the way.”
The hope unfurls across your face like dawn over the earth. “Really?”
Aegon gives you a teasing, crooked grin. “Don’t pretend you’re shocked.” He shuts the car door, jogs over to the driver’s side, drives east through thick midday traffic.
At the same restaurant you went to the day you met, seated beside the same large fish tank, you and Aegon place the same orders: moo goo gai pan, boneless spare ribs. The waitress, Lanying, asks Aegon about how his siblings are doing before she speeds off to tend to her other customers.
Aegon watches the malevolent ember-colored oscars for a while, then taps his paper Chinese zodiac calendar, rimmed in red and gold. “Which one are you?”
You laugh, thinking he’s joking. “You already know.”
But Aegon doesn’t smile; he only stares at you blankly. “What?”
“I told you about my zodiac sign. The first time we had lunch here.”
And he looks at you as if his skull is as clear as the transluscent blue-tinged water of the fish tank, all the lights on but nobody home, and for a split second you almost feel as if you don’t recognize him, as if he is a stranger wearing Aegon’s windswept blonde hair and ill-fitting clothes and the crow’s feet around his eyes. Then Aegon repossesses himself and he is flippant, casual. “Oh yeah, right. Totally. I remember now.”
But you have the sense that he doesn’t. You try to hide how much this wounds you. It must not have been memorable. It must not have meant anything to him. “I’m a dragon!” you say brightly, and hold up your hands as if they are claws, opening and closing your hooked fingers.
Now he does smile, a little preoccupied, a little forced. “Of course you are.”
You scan the calendar. “What year was Becca born?”
“Uh…1994, I think.”
“She’s a dog,” you say. You read the description silently to yourself as the tea and wonton soups are brought to the table: Loyal and honest, you work well with others. Generous yet stubborn and often selfish. Look to the horse or tiger. Watch out for dragons.
~~~~~~~~~~
You arrive at Aegon’s office twenty minutes early, mostly because you miss him. It’s Wednesday, June 25th, and you park your Honda on the narrow sloping street and step out into 80-degree sunlight, ambient dog barking, powerlines crossing overhead. A lady walking her chihuahua waves at you and adjusts her sunglasses. Window air conditioning units whir. The trees, ginkgos and pink trumpets and Victorian boxes and palms, are still in the bright breezeless afternoon. The skyline of Downtown is a mirage on the horizon. From the barber shop across the street, you can hear a radio playing Bailamos by Enrique Iglesias.
When you clop into the lobby in your TOMS wedges, you see that Aegon’s door is closed. At his desk, Brandon is on the landline phone and jotting notes down in his planner, his flower pen scribbling rapidly across pink paper. When he spots you, he covers the phone speaker with his hand. “Hey girl!”
“Sorry, I know I’m early. Is he busy with another client?”
“No, go on in!” Brandon reaches down to dig around in the minifridge and sets a Perrier on the ledge of his desk. You take it, thank him, and go to Aegon’s door. You are puzzled to hear people talking on the other side, muffled indistinct voices. You wear an ocean blue sundress and cool metallic shades on your eyelids: Shellshock by Urban Decay, Strike by Natasha Denona. You open the door.
Aegon has his Nike Killshots up on his untidy desk and is playing the Nintendo 64. Mario is running through what appears to be some sort of underground maze, foggy and strewn with gold coins. The greenish haze must be toxic. Mario’s Power Meter is slowly ticking down; each time Mario snags a coin, it is partially restored. Aegon is watching the screen as he talks to a woman whose back is turned to you: tall, willowy, long dark hair. They don’t realize you’re here.
Aegon is saying as he clicks the transluscent orange Nintendo 64 controller: “That’s great, babe.”
“And the charity thing is on July 19th. I got a custom suit from Tom Ford, it’s powder blue, all you have to do is show up to the fitting.”
He sighs euphorically. “You’re the best.”
She giggles. “I know.”
Then Aegon notices you, and for a moment he seems shaken—not in a good way—and for some reason you feel like you’ve made some horrible mistake. The woman spins around to see what he’s looking at. She is stunning and ethereal and wearing a plain sack dress that hangs perfectly on her, a young Cher, and she smiles at you, kind and dazzling.
“Hi!” you say. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m a little early, I mixed up my appointment time because I’m an idiot.”
“No, you’re fine,” Aegon replies, but he’s still distracted. Mario suffocates in the maze and drops over dead. Aegon turns off the game. He clears his throat. “Uh, this is Becca.”
You shake her hand when she offers it. Gold bangle bracelets jangle on her wrist. “It’s so nice to meet you, Becca!”
“And you must be the new client!” she says warmly. “The one from…where was it, Michigan?”
“Minnesota,” you reply.
“Oh, brr!” Becca says, pretending to shiver, and you laugh.
“Yeah, I’m really happy to be here. And you’re getting married soon, I hear!”
Becca beams, clapping her hands together. “Yes! I’m so excited but so stressed. The planning is endless.”
“Are you going to do it here in the city somewhere?”
“Aegon didn’t tell you?” Becca is perhaps a tad disappointed. “It’s a destination wedding.”
Aegon says from his desk, somewhat recovered: “Turk…something.”
“Turkey?” you say doubtfully. An interesting choice.
“Turks and Caicos,” Becca clarifies.
“No way! My sister just got engaged there, she said it was gorgeous.”
Aegon asks you from his desk: “Have you ever been?”
“I wish. Not yet, maybe one day.”
“You’ll have to come to the wedding!” Becca says cheerfully.
“Me?!” It’s ridiculous; you’re a nobody, you barely know her, you have a crush on her future husband.
“Yeah, all of Aegon’s clients are invited. Aren’t they, babe?” Becca glances at him, and then her eyes catch there and they stare at each other, Aegon slumped in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, Becca standing next to you, and there are several slow awkward seconds of silence. Aegon gets a piece of Juicy Fruit gum from a pack on his desk and shoves it into his mouth. Becca looks at you and then back to Aegon, who is pretending to organize the clutter on his desk. You notice for the first time that there is a ceramic bowl of Honeycrisp apples there.
“I thought you didn’t like those,” you say to alleviate the tension that you don’t understand.
“Well, Brando eats them,” Aegon explains.
“That makes sense.”
“And I guess they’re growing on me.”
“They’re really good for you,” you say. “Helps to balance out all the boneless spare ribs.”
Now Becca is studying you, and instead of being warm she is now cold and rigid and perplexed. After a while she asks stiffly: “What are you two up to today?”
“We’re going to the Flower District,” Aegon tells her as he rolls his gum wrapper into a ball between his palms. “I’ll be done in a few hours, I just have to get some current pics of her to send to people. So we’re going to do a quick impromptu photoshoot.”
Becca nods, still scrutinizing you. You open your Perrier and start gulping it so you have an excuse not to talk.
“What’s for dinner tonight?” Aegon asks Becca, and she perks up a bit.
“Beef bourguignon. It’s a new recipe, I’m really excited to try it.”
Aegon pretends to drool. “Amazing. I can’t wait.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” Becca says, and goes to leave.
“It was so nice to meet you!” you call after her.
Becca replies curtly without stopping: “Yup. You too.” You hear the two-inch heels of her gold sandals tapping on the scuffed wood floor and then the rough opening and closing of the front door of the half-duplex.
“What just happened?” you ask Aegon.
“Nothing,” he says, standing from his desk. His shoes match his shirt, a green plaid Ralph Lauren button-up that isn’t tucked into his jeans. His hair is slicked back and shiny with gel.
“I’m sorry, did I…did I do something wrong…?”
He sighs. “No.”
You toy anxiously with your Perrier bottle. You don’t want Aegon to fire you; you don’t want to lose him. He’s the only person who understands. “You should have told me we were going to be taking pictures. I would have done my hair and worn normal eyeshadow.”
He smiles. “I wanted you to look like you.” Then he heads off to his Chrysler Sebring, and you follow him.
The Flower District is on the other side of Chinatown in Downtown Los Angeles. It’s the largest wholesale flower market in the country, six blocks of vendors selling every plant imaginable, from ordinary daisies and tulips to bamboo shoots, ferns, herbs, cactuses, succulents, baby trees, house plants like monstera and ivy. The aroma is overwhelming; when you breathe deeply, you imagine prismatic blossoms bursting up through the alveoli of your lungs, roses and irises and calla lilies and orchids. Aegon weaves through the aisles and frowns at the magnificent flowers, none of them right for some reason. You are endlessly pausing to sniff petals and gingerly graze your fingerprints over leaves. Aegon has to backtrack to find you when you stop to watch a demonstration of a Venus flytrap being fed.
“Here we go!” Aegon announces triumphantly when at last he is satisfied, and he lifts the large bouquet from a plastic bucket for you to see: massive sunflowers, water dripping off the cut stems. “They’re sunny, just like you. You like them?”
“I love them,” you say, taking the bouquet and beaming. Aegon pays in cash.
Outside under the harsh cloudless sunlight, he poses you in front of one of the flower shops, pedestrians walking behind you and a rainbow myriad of blooms out of focus. He uses his phone to take a series of photos, some up-close and some full-body shots, and you had assumed it would be awkward but it’s not, Aegon is making jokes and you are laughing and trying weird angles and spinning around so the skirt of your sundress swishes despite the lack of a breeze.
“Cool, got some good ones,” Aegon says, scanning through his phone. “We’re done.”
“What should I do with these?” you ask about the sunflowers. “Do you want them back?”
“Why would I want them back?”
“I don’t know. You paid for them, it feels weird for me to keep them.”
“They’re yours. Enjoy.”
You inhale the faint floral scent that emanates from the yellow petals. “I’m going to put them in a vase on the kitchen counter and buy them flower food so they live as long as possible. And I’m going to talk to them, because that’s supposed to be good for plants.”
Aegon chuckles. “You are ridiculous.” He slides his phone into the pocket of his jeans and sees an ice cream vendor up the street, then gestures for you to come with him. The ice cream is allegedly homemade and only comes in five flavors. Aegon orders for you both. “Hi, one vanilla and one strawberry.”
The vendor scoops the ice cream into two waffle cones. Again, as he always does, Aegon pays in cash. You locate an available bench and you and Aegon sit together with the sunflower bouquet lying between you, watching the pedestrians stroll by with their friends and partners and children and dogs.
“Tastes better when you make it,” Aegon says, licking melting strawberry ice cream from his waffle cone. “I might have another job for you.”
“Really?! Yay!”
“It’s a little unorthodox, but you said you’d take anything.”
“I definitely will.”
“It’s a music video for Maroon 5,” Aegon cautions. “It’s honestly pretty uninspiring and stupid, but it’s work. It’s another last-minute thing, at first the girlfriend of one of the band dudes was supposed to be in the video but I guess now they’re fighting all the time and the guy doesn’t like the idea of having a permanent reminder of her if they break up, which seems likely.’”
“I want to do it,” you say immediately. “When?”
“They’re planning to film the first week in July at a mansion in Beverly Hills. They already have a male actor cast. And you don’t even have to kiss him or anything, you get to argue with him in the first scene and then the rest of it is mostly you just moping around the mansion in designer outfits. Again, it’s super unoriginal. Boy and girl have a miscommunication and split, boy regrets it afterwards, they both secretly and photogenically yearn for each other. It’s very Edward leaving Bella in New Moon.”
“Sounds fantastic! Do I get to meet Maroon 5?”
Aegon is disappointed. “Are you a fan?”
“Well…not really.” You both laugh. “But I feel like it’s always cool to meet celebrities in real life.”
“Yes, you get to meet them.”
You cheer. “You are the most talented agent ever!” You take a lick of your ice cream; it’s almost gone. You look over at Aegon, serious now. “You’re the only person who doesn’t think I’m absolutely insane for trying to do this.”
He crunches his waffle cone with his teeth. “Your roommate’s an actress, right? She must get it.”
You shrug. “Baela is confident, and magnetic, and she wants to be famous. She’s very obviously meant to be in this industry, and agents and directors respond to her. But I’m not like that. Most people don’t notice me. And that’s okay, I don’t really want to be famous. I just want to be able to be a working actor and get to stay here. If I’m not making significant progress by the end of the year, I have to choose between going back to Minnesota or being disowned and impoverished.”
Aegon watches you, thoughtful, maybe a little sad. “I like you the way you are, sunshine.”
You smile shyly at him. “Thanks. I like you too.”
“And I don’t want you to change. It’s horrible to watch someone disappear.” He devours the rest of his waffle cone. “You know…I think helping you get to where you’re going, and making sure it’s done the right way…that will be the last good thing I ever do here.”
“You don’t have to retire.”
He shakes his head. “Circumstances change. Priorities change.”
“Do you want kids?” If Becca is in her thirties, perhaps now is the time to start planning for that.
“No,” Aegon says, flinching. “Definitely no kids. You’re anti-horse, I’m anti-kid.”
“Then what’s the rush to leave L.A.?”
“It’s the right time.”
“Not for me.” You grin. “I just got here. You can’t abandon me yet.”
“I’ll make sure you’re taken care of before I go. I’ll get someone I trust to sign you.”
“But I don’t want another agent.”
“The music video director asked to meet you before filming,” Aegon says, deflecting. “It’ll be quick, just ten or fifteen minutes. We’ll swing by his office on the way back to Elysian Park.”
“Okay,” you agree. You take a makeup compact out of your Patricia Nash purse and use the mirror to make sure you don’t have any ice cream on your nose or chin.
“I haven’t worked with him before,” Aegon says. “But I’ve heard very good things and obviously I’ll be there at the shoot.”
You snap your compact shut. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
In a spacious, glass-walled office in Downtown, the director introduces himself as Dan Sacco. He is tall and broad through the shoulders and extremely welcoming, offering you drinks and snacks and asking about your hometown as Aegon stands in the corner of the room, his hands in his pockets and his eyes watchful. Two jobs in two weeks; Aegon is a miracle worker.
When you get home to your apartment, it’s empty. Baela and Jace must have gone out somewhere for dinner. You put the sunflowers in a vase and then scroll through Instagram. Aegon has posted a new story: a photo of you standing with your bouquet and smiling, not sexy or alluring or arrogant but simply happy, and he must be very knowledgeable about filters because you think you look great.
Future Hollywood Walk of Fame star recipient, Aegon has added as a caption. If you want to book her, you know where to find me. He finished with a sunflower emoji. You press the heart button in the bottom right corner of the screen to like the story. Your own heart is racing now in the best way possible, feverish and loud, intoxicated, needful, seams ready to rupture.
You look up Becca’s Instagram, but her account is private. You send her a follow request. She doesn’t accept it.
~~~~~~~~~~
The night before the shoot, there is a knock at your door. It’s 8:30 p.m., a strange hour, not early enough for Amazon deliveries or a visit from one of Jace’s eccentric PhD program friends, not late enough for a drunk tenant to have mistaken your apartment for their own. When you open the door, you are at first so shocked you can’t place him. Then you remember where you know the hulking man in the tan suit from. It’s Dan, the director of the music video.
“Oh my God, hi!” you welcome him. You have just gotten home from Cold Stone Creamery and are still in your drab grey uniform. You always drive to and from work now, per Aegon’s insistence. You promised you’d listen, and you’re trying your best. Jace is in Baela’s bedroom banging on his Yamaha keyboard. From the velvet orange couch in the living room where she is watching The Vampire Diaries, Baela peeks curiously over at where your visitor fills up the doorway.
Dan seems pleased by your enthusiasm. “Hello again.”
“Can I help you with something? I know the shoot is tomorrow, I’m really excited. I was about to get ready for bed so I can go to sleep early and be well-rested. There’s not a problem with the music video, is there? Please don’t say it’s cancelled or that I’m fired or something.”
Dan chuckles, a deep slow rumble. “No, nothing like that. I just wanted to give you a heads up that we added a scene to the script.” He holds up a thin packet of papers held together by a single staple. “I’m not allowed to leave it in an unsecured location, so I have to take it with me when I go. But I thought you should be aware so you’re prepared when you show up to set.”
“Aw, that’s so thoughtful of you!” You take the packet and flip through it, skimming for an unfamiliar scene. “Did you get my address from Aegon? Or Brandon, his receptionist?”
“It was in your file that they sent over,” Dan says, perhaps a bit guardedly, and before you can ask anything else you stumble upon the scene, and your stomach drops. The actress—me, you think, that’s not some other woman, that’s me—will be lying in a vast empty bathtub, soaked hair, dripping skin, black lingerie, writhing and whimpering as she mourns the loss of her lover.
“Um…the bathtub scene?” you squeak.
“It’s going to be so cinematic,” Dan says, his large hands painting a picture with dramatic gestures. “Sunlight streaming in through a window, your skin glowing, you’ve drained the tub but you’re too heartbroken to get up so you’re just sprawled there, still drenched from the bathwater. Obviously it would make more sense if you were naked, but…we can’t do that in a music video.” He laughs. “But the aesthetic will be divine, like sexy mourning widow. And we’ll get all kinds of shots, you crying, you angry, you pining, you flirting and beckoning the camera closer, and we can get creative, you can just kind of crawl around all over the tub and we’ll see what you come up with.”
You gaze at the script until all the words vanish, imaging a room full of men watching you roll around in underwear, black lace wet and clinging to your skin, no secrets, nowhere to disappear. I can’t do that. But you can’t say no. “Is there going to be a woman on set to…you know, to…like…supervise, or, or something…?”
“You mean an intimacy coordinator?”
“Yes, thank you, that’s the term I was looking for.” Does Aegon know about this? He has to, right?
“Well, it’s not a sex scene,” Dan says rationally. “It’s not even a kissing scene. So we would never pay to have an intimacy coordinator around for this, it’s completely unnecessary.”
“Oh.” I can’t do that. I can’t do that. You feel nauseous; you feel dizzy, like you might stagger if you try to move.
“Look, if you’re uncomfortable, that’s totally cool,” Dan says. “I get it, a job like this isn’t for everyone. I have a list of backups I can call, and I can find somebody else—”
“No!” you cry out, then give the script back to Dan and manage a smile. “No, sorry, I was just a little confused, but I understand now. Thank you for letting me know about the new scene, and I can absolutely handle it.”
“Great.” He grins proudly. “I knew I could count on you. See you tomorrow.”
“See ya.”
Dan lumbers down the hallway, and you close the door when he’s out of sight. Baela asks from the couch: “What do they want you to do?”
You swallow noisily. “Roll around essentially naked in a bathtub.”
Baela nods; she doesn’t seem alarmed. Is this normal? Are you unreasonable? “Bikini?”
“Lingerie.”
“Want to know a trick?” she says. “After you shave, run a Stridex pad over your skin. I have a container of them in the bathroom cabinet, use as many as you want. It’ll burn at first, but it kills any bacteria and prevent razor burn. No bumps or ingrown hairs!”
“Thanks,” you reply weakly.
Baela squints at you. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” A lie.
“It’s not that bad,” she says reassuringly. “I know it seems like the end of the world, but once you do a nude scene or a sex scene once, the nerves go away and it’s just another day at work. You’ll get through it. You’ll do an incredible job.”
I don’t want to give up the dream. I don’t want to leave Los Angeles. I don’t want to leave Aegon.
“You’re probably right,” you tell Baela, and you pretend to be fine so she won’t worry, or pity you, or be further convinced that you don’t belong here.
You shower, shave, scrub your skin with stinging Stridex pads, and long after you were supposed to be asleep you’re still staring up at your bedroom ceiling, a deep blue shadowscape with no stars.
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