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muletia · 12 days ago

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[tfp] obsessed!optimus prime x human!reader

summary: you had to go on a business trip. optimus doesn't take it too well

cw: obsessed!optimus, hardcore pinning, angst, i wanted to practice writing dialogues and it shows lmao

word count: 1800

an: i want you guys to know that i am reading EVERY reblog and comment from you swirling my hair and kicking my legs like a schoolgirl

you are so real for that anon

When you, out of your own free will, expressed the desire to join him on patrol, Optimus was overjoyed. You rarely got the chance to be together, just the two of you, always consumed by work or saving the world. And although Optimus wouldn’t dare ask you outright to accompany him on patrols (because the last thing he wanted was to make you feel uncomfortable), he deeply longed to spend more time with you alone. He knew he was feeding only his own illusions, fueling the machinery of madness, but by this point, he couldn’t stop. Not when you sat comfortably on his seat, gazing at the views outside the window, visibly content with your outing together.

He wanted so badly for this to be your everyday reality. Maybe then he could finally find some relief from his fixation, maybe you would even save him.

"Hey," you started, and his entire attention focused on you. "Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while."

Oh.

Did your feelings match his? Did you feel affection for him as well? Had you noticed his suffering? Or maybe you wanted to reject him, once and for all, to make him understand that his passion was an illusion, that no matter how much he wanted it, the two of you could never be together — too incompatible, too different. That he had developed this coping mechanism, exhausted by the war.

But before Optimus could spiral further, you crushed his hopes.

"The company I work for is sending me on a business trip," you sighed, clearly dissatisfied with the news. "It’s supposed to take two weeks, but you never really know with these trips, especially since they’re sending me across the continent."

"I understand," he replied, his tone not betraying the turmoil within. "What does this business trip involve?"

"Oh, shoot, sorry! I should have explained that right away," you laughed casually as if you hadn’t just delivered news that shattered his spark. "Business trip is assigned by an employer for training sessions, conferences, exhibitions, and other boring stuff. Kind of like a mission, but without explosions, action, or danger."

It was good to hear that you’d be safe, though you would truly be safest only at the base, under his watchful optics.

Pessimistic, ugly thoughts churned in his processor. Of all the things he expected to hear from you, this wasn’t one of them. Suddenly, he feared being alone, feared his own dreams. Because he knew you wouldn’t be there to comfort him after a nightmare, and nothing else could bring him peace.

"I am sorry to hear we will not see each other for two weeks," he said, "but I am confident you will do exceptionally well on this assignment. You are dependable, unyielding. You can handle anything."

"Oh, thank you," you answered, a bit flustered. You hadn’t expected a compliment. "It just makes me sad to leave Jasper. I don’t say it often enough, but I have a wonderful time with all of you. With you."

"Likewise, [Name]. When are you leaving?"

"The day after tomorrow. Tomorrow after work, I’ll say goodbye to everyone else."

So soon. Too soon. He’d hoped you wouldn’t leave until next week, to at least give him time to mentally prepare for the separation, but you denied him that luxury. Not that any amount of time would have prepared him for this.

Slowly, subtly enough that you wouldn’t notice the change, he reduced his speed, prolonging your shared drive.

"I’m not sure I’ll have time to write," you warned. "Unfortunately, they’ve given me a really tight schedule. But! If I can, I’ll write to the kids. Oh, and expect some souvenirs — I’ll bring something back for you all."

"You do not need to spend your valuable time searching for trinkets. But if you insist, I will cherish anything you bring me."

"Aw, don’t worry—it’ll be no trouble." You waved your hand dismissively. "You do so much for me, for the kids, for the whole Earth without asking for anything in return. You deserve something nice."

"I do not protect your planet for glory or offerings."

"I know, I know. That’s very noble. And amazing. So many years, sticking firmly to your values."

He eagerly soaked up your praise, allowing himself, if only for a brief moment, to forget the world around him, to forget his duties, unfulfilled promises, fallen brothers and sisters. He’d never describe himself as 'amazing', nor did he believe the praise his own kind gave him about his greatness. But for you, he could believe it. If only for a moment, a few seconds, so that you’d leave on your mission thinking warmly of your time together and of him.

"Thank you, [Name]. Please know that I value your words tremendously."

"Oh," you blushed, "that’s nice to hear."

Embarrassed, you quickly changed the subject, unaware that Optimus was watching you closely, curious about your reaction. For now, he pushed thoughts of your departure to the back of his processor, wanting to fully enjoy your presence. You recommended songs from the country genre, one of his favorite discoveries on Earth, which he promised to listen to later. He knew well that this would lead to more daydreaming, imagining a future that would never be. Because no matter how hard he tried, his tomorrow would not be entwined with yours. His desires would forever remain mere fantasies born out of desperation, longing, and sorrow.

A week had passed since you left. In the lives of the Autobots, not much had changed because of your absence; they went on with their chaotic schedule. The kids, however, missed you. No more evenings spent helping them with their homework, working on your reports, playing games, or simply chatting. The worst part was that no one really knew what was going on with you. You rarely messaged, didn’t have time to talk, and when you did, it was just to say, "I’m alive, it’s boring, I’ll message you on Thursday." Life continued, despite how much Miko wished she could play games with you instead of doing her homework.

Everyone managed to adapt to your absence.

With one exception.

At first glance, it seemed like Optimus, the bot with whom you shared the closest bond, hadn’t been affected by such a drastic change. Nothing in his behavior indicated any longing. He didn’t express his opinion on the matter, didn’t ask, didn’t demand. As always, he buried his feelings deep within, playing the role of a diligent leader, hiding from everyone the nightmares running through his processor, now even more intense because of your absence.

He was withering, quietly and alone.

Until now, he had been content simply watching you. He had established a routine, unhealthy as it was, that kept him going. He knew that most of the time when he returned from patrol or a mission, you would be at the base. Even if you came every other or every third day, Optimus knew that eventually, you would show up. It gave him a sense of stability amidst the chaos surrounding him. But now? Maybe two weeks wasn’t a big challenge for you, but he was done after one.

Now, he wanted to be more than a passive observer. He craved physical contact, to hold you close, to feel your heartbeat against his metal. He wanted to know you were alive, to feel your pulse under his digit, to listen to its rhythm, to understand how your chest moved against his metal. He wanted to feel, taste, touch, enter.

He kept glancing at the spot on the couch where you usually sat with your laptop on your lap or spent time with the kids as if hoping that if he looked just one more time, you would materialize there. That everything would return to normal, that he wouldn’t suffer so much, that you would give him the daily dose of antidote he needed to function without plunging deeper into despair. But no matter how many times he looked, you weren’t there, and wouldn’t be for another week.

At some point, however, someone noticed their leader’s miserable mood.

"I can’t quite figure out what kind of bond you have with that woman," Ratchet said, pausing his work to look at Optimus. Before his friend could answer, he continued, "But she’ll be back soon. And whatever she’s doing, she’ll do it well. She’s tough."

"Thank you, old friend. I have no doubt in her abilities. But I would feel better if she were stationed closer to the base in case of a Decepticon attack."

"Mm-hmm," the medic scoffed. "Sure, that’s all it’s about."

Optimus had no response to that. He wasn’t surprised that Ratchet noticed his infatuation, but he would prefer that his friend not delve into the details of their relationship. At least, not yet. Not while Optimus himself was a wreck.

"Hey, hey! [Name] messaged!" Miko yelled.

The Autobot leader immediately approached the platform, finally abandoning his conversation with Ratchet, aware that it would only spark more suspicions. But he didn’t care anymore, not in such an important moment.

He stood directly behind Miko, with Bumblebee and Bulkhead beside him, equally curious to know what you had been up to over the past week.

"She sent photos, too! Look!"

Miko turned to show the messages to the others but paused when she noticed Optimus’s helm close to her.

“Whoa,” she whispered, surprised that out of all the bots, he was the one standing the closest. She swallowed, but her confidence quickly returned.

Holding her phone firmly, she displayed a close-up selfie of you. You were smiling, though the bags under your eyes betrayed that you were sleep-deprived, probably exhausted.

Optimus felt the accumulated stress, pain, and longing of the past week slowly dissipate. Everything was fine with you. You were alive, pushing forward with a smile on your face, happy to simply exist. Admiring your photo didn’t compare to seeing you in person, but it let him vent a little easier, granting him a brief respite from worry, gnawing at him from within. It was enough. For now. For a moment.

“She sends her regards to everyone,” Miko went on, “Oh, and she also asked Ratchet to take a break and mentioned she already bought a gift for Optimus and can’t wait to come back. Hey, I want a present, too!”

Optimus couldn't be certain if another week apart wouldn’t inflict even more damage on his processor and spark, or if longing would eventually consume him entirely. But he knew he was already lost, that you held sway over every aspect of his life. He was wrapped around your finger, tethered by a leash you didn’t even realize existed. And he didn’t mind one bit.

#transformers #transformers x reader #optimus prime x reader #optimus x reader #tfp #obsessed!optimus

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autistichalsin · 10 months ago

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When considering Halsin's polygamy, do you think it is just his way of coping with the scars and traumas of his past? He does admit that monogamy is acceptable, but not for him, and he often talks about roaming. However, the more I play this game, get to know him better, and analyze his character, the more I start to doubt that polygamy is not truly what Halsin wants. He has been through so much - pain, suffering, and torture. What if his polygamy is a shield he uses to protect himself from further pain? Perhaps he has realized that he's fallen in love with Tav and now he is afraid of losing them. Just as you mentioned in your previous post, he is afraid of being alone, rejected, and abandoned.

Just a note- it's polyamory, not polygamy. Polygamy refers specifically to marrying more than one woman.

I absolutely do not in any way, shape, or form, think that he's only polyamorous because of his trauma. Polyamory is who Halsin is. There's a devnote in Halsin's scene that says "sincere- this is a core belief of his."

Wood elves are polyamorous by default. The entire cultural belief is that jealousy is a waste of time, and exploring multiple relationships, as long as all people involved consent, is only natural. That is how he was even before becoming a druid.

This isn't an attack against you, anon, I know you were asking a genuine question in earnest, but I am so beyond tired of people trying to reinterpret all of the polyamorous characters in this game as actually monogamous people who are afraid/broken. Why do people insist on doing this? Is it that hard to conceive of a character with an alternative sexuality who actually is happy that way?

Let's just set aside the characterization reasons and look at it from a pure logical perspective. Halsin is the one to bring up polyamory with the player. He is the one to say this is a fundamental part of who he is. If the player answers that they don't have the same nature as he does and don't want a polyamorous relationship, the relationship doesn't progress. If Halsin was actually just pretending to be poly to avoid being abandoned, why would he not jump in at that point and go "oh, actually I'm okay with a monogamous relationship too, please don't leave?" Why would he be okay with the player leaving over this part of himself if it wasn't actually part of himself, just a lie he told to avoid being left alone? Because poly is who he actually is, not a lie he tells himself to engage in emotional self-harm.

Further, if he was so desperate not to be alone that he would deny who he is, he would actually be more likely to lie about being monogamous, not the other way around. Most people will flat-out refuse poly relationships (because it's not for them) and even call poly people perverts or cheaters. Halsin has probably forewent many other relationships before just because of this fundamental incompatibility. If he was scared of being alone, he would be far likelier to pretend he was happy with one person, so that he would be able to find a partner without navigating that situation, than he would to pretend to be some identity that already makes it harder to find a partner to begin with, and that often causes intense strain on relationships when mismanaged to the point that it can easily be the cause of many relationships ending.

Being poly isn't something you lie about because you want not to be alone- being poly makes it infinitely harder to find a relationship just by its nature.

Halsin is "poly and traumatized" not "poly because he's traumatized." It is absolutely absurd to deny his repeated statements that this is who he is and what he wants. Again, no offense, anon, and I hope this doesn't upset you, but I really have no patience for attempts to dismiss a core part of Halsin's identity as a maladaptive coping mechanism.

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

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vse-kar-vem · 16 days ago

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ok so my pet theory about souvenir pop is that bluza & stephanie are both about bojan's relationship with the same character, just at different points in their relationship-- the first song in a moment of passion, and the second in retrospect, with a much more cynical tone. (essay below..)

both songs tell the story of a whirlwind romance, bojan and 'stephanie' becoming instantly taken with each other in a "lightning strike." obvious narritive similarities aside, bojan's past impulsivity and hopeless romanticism shine through in stephanie, as he reminisces that he knew "right from the start." within literally the first 3 lines of bluza, bojan proclaims his devotion to stephanie as his "muse," declaring dramatically "i think i've fallen in love with you." the depth of his emotion ("a stroke or a racing heart") is similarly elaborated on back in stephanie-- it is entirely possible that both occasions of bojan falling head over heels for someone at a gathering in a short amount of time are, in fact, the SAME event.

HERE IS WHERE THE SPECULATION COMES IN. bluza ends, "if the sun rises, i'll be alone," the exact reason for his abandonment left ambiguous. this question is answered in stephanie, as time finally passes-- "the morning came." despite bojan's relentless desperation to stay with stephanie, he is given a reality check, the blunt statement contrasting his emotive laments of the night before. ("the morning" could also be interpreted as the morning after stephanie's friend threw up.. but that's not fun :(.) on that day, she texts him "a photo of a plane"-- a perfect explanation for her absence and bojan's despair in bluza!!!

i believe what bojan so feared in bluza (the growing distance between) dooms their relationship. when they were in the throes of romance, stephanie and bojan "passed kilometers between (them) in a single heartbeat." these metaphorical kilometers materialise into existance by the time of stephanie (song), the titular character now living "about a thousand miles away." there's a sense of irony in that distance, which before had seemed no obstacle (even, in a way, proof of their love) is now a fundamental, bitter fact about stephanie and bojan, their relationship having withered away at least in part due to it.

stephanie ends as bojan repeatedly laments, "love ain't built for people like me." like him, how? one questions. what about him does he believe is so incompatible with the ideas of "love" and "happiness"? while there are hints in stephanie itself, in my opinion, his percieved problem can largely be deciphered in bluza-- "living in yesterday." in both songs, bojan demonstrates a stubborn refusal to look towards the future, to adapt to problems-- and, by proxy, a stubborn refusal to move on from stephanie (or move on in general). in stephanie (song), he copes by drinking away his sorrows. in bluza, while sober, we are offered a more in depth insight into bojan's thought process-- with stephanie, he lived in denial. he pleads desperately, "don't turn the lights on yet," for "just one more moment," completely refusing to engage with the future and what it hold for him and stephanie's relationship. in bluza, bojan deals with changes by simply ignoring what happens after, stephanie's mere departure seeming like a psychological breakup to him. this defeatist attitude after she leaves (more making shit up now) leads to the tragic collapse of their relationship, eventually culminating in stephanie (song), as he keeps "downing drinks to drown tomorrow, and live in yesterday."

ultimately, bluza and stephanie are used to explore the the cycle of bojan's unhealthy coping mechanisms and inability to adapt to change through two different perspectives, then and now. his persisting love for stephanie between the songs acts a through line as we begin to understand his behaviour and thoughts in relation to her.

#joker out #i quote too much sorry #guys let me have this PLEASE #dont ask me how the other songs fit ok thats out of my paygrade. my brain js very smooth #drinking game take a shot everytime i say bluza or stephanie #vee rambles #i need to stop yapping damn #ONE WOULD THINKG THE DRINKING IN THE SONGS IS A CONTRADICTION. NO ACTUALLY THE DRINKING IN STEPHANIE IS PRESENT TENSE WHILE EVERYRHING ELSE #IS PAST!!! so there #and now its three am great

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bsd-fan · 1 year ago

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Chuuya´s analysis part 2: Humanity and contradictions

Stormbringer is by far the most important piece if we want to understand chuuya because this is the moment his view of life is challenged. We follow chuuya through stormbringer, we get to see how doubtful, scared and confused he is about his humanity and we also see a side of him that he constantly hides.

“I told you, Chuuya”

He looked up in the direction of the sudden voice. It was a familiar voice, one that belonged to the person he hated most in this world.

“Your birth itself was a mistake. We´re the same. Is there really a point to suffering through all that pain for a life that isn´t even real?” - Hallucination of Dazai. Stormbringer

Dazai and Chuuya constantly claim the hate they have for each other. A lot of that hate is because their history of them being assholes with each other, a lot of it is just posturing but a lot of it is because of this. They share the same problem but the way they face it is incompatible. Especially on chuuya´s side. During sb we learn that Chuuya /understands/ Dazai, not because he tries to but because deep down he thinks the same. But he /never/ lets himself think about this, because if he does he will drown and he can´t do that.

You can ignore most of this analysis because the only real important thing to understand is that chuuya is a figher.

That´s his core as a character.

Chuuya fights every godamn hour of every day. He fights with himself, he fights against his ability, he fights for his humanity, he fights for the people he loves, he fights when everyone already gave up. He has lost /so much/ through his life and never complains about it, he keeps going on because that´s what he was taught to do. He has gave up so many things. He can´t say that he is tired, he can´t be afraid, he can´t stop because he was conditioned to be the last man standing not matter what and that´s what he does. Because he has people he cares about and that depend on him so he can´t fall, he can´t ask for help and damn sure he can´t let himself sulk and think about the futility of all, he can´t go with dazai´s nihilistic mentality not matter how much of it he secretly shares because he can´t stop fighting. That would ultimately break him. Chuuya´s outwordly drive to keep advancing despite all the horrible things that happen to him is only possible because he never stops to think about this.

So in a lot of ways, Dazai is like a punch in the face. it´s his worse fears and hidden thoughts in a human form. Dazai, especially 15-18 year old Dazai represents everything he fights about himself. So yes, when I say that chuuya makes a constant, conscious effort to avoid understanding Dazai I´m talking about this (and that´s like half of it, because Dazai´s coping mechanisms also directly clash with chuuya´s whole ideology. Honestly is kinda impressive how Dazai manages to trigger chuuya to that degree)

Now, going back to the analysis I want to say that Stormbringer doesn´t really bring anything new to chuuya´s character, it just consolidates what was already there. It´s when chuuya finally realized something we´ve known all along and it´s because of this that he can finally solve his inner conflict.

“I can feel their lives burning right here, inside me, and till those flames die down. I can´t just do whatever I want. I´m gonna do what I need to. That´s who I am”- Chuuya, stormbringer

“-Why don´t you get it? There isn´t anything you need to do! Live how you want to live! Destroy what you want to destroy! Because there´s only one thing we needed to do, and that was to not be born!(...)

-Just shup up- Chuuya´s eyes burned with fierce determination. -Maybe that´s what you wanna do, but don´t shove your belief down my throat. Cause that ain´t ´t how I feel at all.

Several shadow ran thorugh the light in his eyes.

His friends in the sheep.

His friends in the Port Mafia.

The light in his eyes was determination. It was the powerful brilliance of humankind, something gaines only through encounters and partings with other people.

-You´ve been completely wrong from the very start- Chuuya spat in disgust- “Being born was a mistake”? Sounds like the kind of garbage Dazai would spew, and no way in hell am I ever gonna think the way he does!”- Verlaine and chuuya, stormbringer.

This scene is so important to chuuya´s development as a character because this is the first time he defines himself as an individual in his own terms and independently of his origin. He is a person, and he is the kind of person that will do what it needs to be done and he will do it for the people that is important to him. That´s simply who he is. That´s his identity as a human being. That´s why I get mad when people are fighting about chuuya´s humanity. Yes, at the end is really hinted that he is the original one but that´s not important. Because the whole point of the novel is that humanity is more than origin. It doesn´t matter if chuuya was born as a human being or created in a lab because at the end of the day he is human because of the ties he has with the people around him.

Different from Dazai, Chuuya gets this solution from existentialism. Existentialism is a form of philosophy that explores the issue of human existence. Existencialism basically says that purpose and meaning in life doesn´t come from external forces such as God, fate or a bigger power but instead is entirely determined by ourselves and that´s exactly what chuuya does. It doesn´t matter that life in senseless, it doesn´t matter if he was created only as a weapon, it doesn´t matter if he shouldn´t have existed in the first place. None of it matters. Because he is already here and he will give himself a purpose. And God, I´m gonna stop here to say that this is such a chuuya thing to do. He fights what everyone around him is telling him and he fights himself, yes, he may understand Dazai and verlaine´s nihilistic mentality but he ultimately decides to reject it. Chuuya will fight even the absurdity of life, in a way is fucking hilarious and as a Dazai kinnie I can wholeheartedly understand how this is so annoying for him. Because here we are needing sense, getting paralyzed because of the ucertainty of the world and just trying to keep living despite being constantly overwhelmed because the aburdity of all and then there are people like chuuya that realized the same thing but they keep going, people like chuuya that just push their way through life like it´s not a big deal, people like chuuya that never give up even when is the logical thing to do. And as maddening as it is, maybe this is the real reason why Chuuya is my favorite character, he can do something I don´t. His will to fight despite everyting? How he gets up every single time? is not something I can do.

Okay so sorry for the projection in the middle of it. Let´s continue with the analysis.

The whole point is that Chuuya doesn´t care if his reason to keep going is not trascendental, he doesn´t care if it´s illogical, he doesn´t care if in the great scheme of things it doesn´t mean anything. Because it´s important to him, it´s enough to him and that´s all that matters. Chuuya has people he loves, he has emotional ties with them and Chuuya clings to them with desperation because it is what impulses him to keep going. I need you to understand this, every single character is bsd have people they love and appreciate but for chuuya? it´s a whole different deal. They are so much more than that. They are not only people he loves, they are the direct representation of his humanity (which I remind you is the most important aspect of his characterization) he finds a purpose and a sense in this bonds, he finds an /identity/ thanks to this bonds. And that´s why he will do absolutely everything to preserve them. Yes, the biggest difference between Chuuya and kunikida is that when chuuya says that he will do what needs to be done, he is not talking about ideals, he´s saying that he will give everything of him for the people he loves.

Now, everything should be fine, right? Chuuya learns to accept his humanity to a certain extent, he gives himself a purpose, everything is /fine/ except it´s not and this lead us to the second and biggest contradiction about chuuya and this is which ultimately brings another thousand contradiction in his character: Nowadays his biggest conflict is not the original problem anymore, it´s the solution he gave to that problem.

And it´s the most tragic contradiction in earth because his relationships with people is what makes him keep going but at the same time it´s also what keeps him stuck (I´m discussing that later). And it hurts so much because yes, they give them an identity, a purpose but he also sacrifices /too much/ of himself in the name of this relationships.

He is conventionally brave, he is not like atsushi, he never hesitates, he never doubts but it´s not in a healthy way. Chuuya is not brave for the sake of being brave. He is brave because there was never another option to him, he doesn´t let himself feel afraid. During stormbringer he experimented more suffering than most of the characters in the story, he went against a giant beast, he was tortured, freakingg hell, his biggest fear all along was to discover that he wasn´t human but he decides to know because the flags investigated his past. He was terrified but he forced himself to ask because “I have an obligation to know for their sake” not for him, for the flags.

And let´s not talk about how corruption is his worst fear turned true, let´s not talk about how it represents the lack of humanity and how that may affect the character whose whole main arc revolves around seeking humanity, let´s not talk about how he goes against his worse fear once and once again to protect the city and the organization he loves. There is only one thing that chuuya wanted, all this time he only wanted to know if he was a human or if he wasn´t and in stormbringer he gave up even that. He decides to use corruption fully knowing that he will lose his opportunity to know and he doesn´t care if by doing it, he can save people.

He has a moral compass but he sacrifices it in the name of the people he loves. He cares about people but he also mass murder if that benefits his organization. He appreciates life, but he´s so ready to die and destroy himself if by doing that he can be useful for the people he cares about. His pathological loyalty is also explained by this, it doesn´t matter if they betrayed him or hurt him, he will still be there for them because he puts this relationships over everything. He even sacrifices his emotions, I´ve said it before but chuuya didn´t even let himself cry after he saw his friends in pieces because he put albatross needs over his own pain. He got into an organization he didn´t even wanted to be in because by doing it he could save the people that stabbed him in the back. To this day I´m haunted by the fact that in the entirety of stormbringer, chuuya only let himself be vulnerable once, he only screamed once. When he was being tortured, and in agony, he let himself scream but he only did it because no one there cared. If a person he loves had been there, then chuuya would´ve hold it in, he would never let himself cry because he will never let himself be a worry for the people he cares about. His whole ability is a reminder of everything he went through, of everything that makes him different, of all his pain but he doesn´t resent his ability because he can protect the people he loves with it, that powerful ability is just another responsibility he needs to carry. He is powerful so he needs to protect those that aren´t.

Chuuya is so selfless that it actually is a fucking flaw. From all the characters in bsd, he is the one who sacrifices the most and the craziest thing about it? He doesn´t even notice because in his mind he´s doing what needs to be done. In the CD drama he says to akutagawa that self sacrifice is a pathetic excuse for weak people but he does it all the time, except that he doesn´t think about what he does as self sacrifice, for him is just the natural thing to do. Chuuya constantly makes pyramids and he puts himself at the bottom of them. He is ready to give everything for the people he loves but he never expects the same of them. He loves unconditionally, but he doesn´t think that he can be loved in the same way. He needs to push himself, he needs to be useful.

“-Why- A flash of uneasiness briefly colored chuuya´s expression- Why would you go through all this (...)

-It´s nothing particularly serious- Said Lippmann. Baffled by chuuya´s reaction, he eyed the rest of the group- If we had to come up with a reason, though...it´s because you´re our friend. Were things different in the sheep?

They had been. That was what Chuuya flustered expression was saying. Everyone in the sheep depended on him. The contrary was unthinkable”- The flags and Chuuya, stormbringer.

Chuuya doesn´t know how to accept kindness, he doesn´t know how to react to people caring about him. Because that´s his job. He is never in the opposite side of it. And when he finally was, he lost it and even then he never thinks about all the shitty things that happen to him, he never complains about the unfairness of it. He just keeps going, he takes every single blow and he never let himself make a sound.

Do you see the contradictions now? The love he has for his people may be the foundation of his identity, but he also sacrifices a thousand of things about himself to protect them. No one can live like that. He lives in a perpetual state of contradiction. What he believes in, what he feels and what he does never fucking allign. And honestly this is part of what makes his character so fucking good, because this contradictions narratively speaking make perfect sense. Is not that he is lying, is not lack of self awareness, is not a hole in his characterization. if you stop to analyze the character this contradictions make perfect sense for him. And this trait is why chuuya gives this impression of being predictably unpredictable.

During the first light novel Dazai describes kunikida like this:

“I´ve got a good idea of who you are now, so nothing you do will ever surprise me. I mean, compared with me, you´re just a simple man with a simple mind, after all (...) See? You wear your heart in your sleeve. You don´t hide how you´re really feeling”- Dazai, Osamu Dazai´s entrance exam

And you´ve probably noticed by now, but a lot of this description somewhat applies for chuuya too. But Dazai´s reaction to chuuya is usually this one:

Even knowing Chuuya better than anyone else, Dazai has consistently been surprised or doubting chuuya´s actions. During stormbringer he didn´t know if chuuya was going to use corruption, because a normal person don´t go through life sacrificing their most wanted thing. During fifteen, he was extermely curious about his relationship with the sheep, because chuuya´s arrogance doesn´t make sense with the way he lets himself be used. He thought that Chuuya was going to kill N because that would´ve been the normal reaction to have but he didn´t. At 22, he hoped that chuuya was going to use corruption to save him but the whole point was that he could never be 100% sure because a normal person won´t go through life facing their worst fear just because of trust. And Dazai is not the only one unbalanced by chuuya, the flags were constantly surprised by him, rimbaud didn´t know what to do of him. Verlaine thought that after all the suffering, chuuya would grow up to hate the world just like he did, but chuuya didn´t. There is this whole scene in which Adam and shirase are facing verlaine and he knows that they will die, he goes through all the possibilities but there´s no way they make it but then chuuya appears

“The 169 outcome. An unthinkable possibility

-Unbelievable- I instinctively muttered”- Adam, stormbringer

Adam is an AI, he was made to think about all the logical options and he never thought of that one. Because no normal person will go and fight when all logic is saying that they will lose. But Chuuya does it, he goes and fight expeting to win, giving his all because he will not let his friends die.

Kunikida is relatively easy to predict because he will stick to his ideals as much as possible and because of that is easy to read his actions and the way he will act (to a certain extent, of course) Chuuya is as easy to manipulate as kunikida is but he is far more difficult to accurately predict. Chuuya may be as genuine and honest as kunikida is but he doesn´t stick to anything. He will go against the very basis of himself for the people he loves. Worse than that a lot of his actions and decisions are incredibly complicated because he does a thousand of mental mallabarisms that somehow make sense for him. He will kill, steal and blackmail but outside of job? He respects the traffic laws, he thinks that kids shouldn´t drink alcohol and help grandmothers cross the street. Does that make any sense to you? He will die and kill a stranger no doubt if by doing that he can protect the mafia but sacrificing a friend? Yeah, that´s not gonna happen. He simply can´t do it. So chuuya is fine with killing but only under specific conditions and that applies to everything he does. He lives in constant contradiction and that´s a problem because he won´t be able to keep it eternally. Every single time he goes against something he believes in, is a hit, even if he doesn´t let himself see it. And is fucking terrifying because we all talk about what´s gonna happen when Dazai breaks down, but I´m asking what´s gonna happen if chuuya is the one who breaks down? Because it´s gonna be fucking catastrophic, Chuuya doesn´t know how to bend, he will just keep going until he breaks. He will just keep going until he completely destroys himself.

Now I feel like this is a good time to answer the first question. If chuuya has so many hero-like qualities then why is he in the sides that kill people? why is he a morally grey character? By now I think is pretty evident that Chuuya is not a violence oriented character, he may be agressive and blunt, he is bad tempered but almost every single time he attacks is because he is trying to protect his people or in benefit of them. Yes, he is impulsive and he enjoys a good fight but he never attacks just for the sake of it. He may be arrogant and powerful but none of that is the answer. The real reason Chuuya is a morally grey character is because he chooses.

For him, some people are more important than others.

And just like I´ve been saying in all this analysis, chuuya is ready to do /everything/ for the group of people he chooses. He will kill and die for them. He will go against his moral code a thousand times for them. This certainly doesn´t excuse chuuya´s behavior though. The reality is that no matter his motivation, his actions are still bad by the moral code but just like Dazai, Chuuya is not a moral oriented character. And honestly I will forever find fascinating, that Dazai have all the attributes that we would expect of a bad person but he is in the side that saves people, he is doing his best to protect. Meanwhile, chuuya is an almost text book definition of a hero and still is in the side that kills people. The most fascinating thing though, is that they´re both morally grey characters just in completely different ways. Dazai still does a lot of bad things, it just happens that the ultimate result is a “good” one. Chuuya is constantly doing horrible things, but he also sacrifices himself constantly for the city he loves, and he has saves lots of lives by doing it.

Now going back to topic, yes chuuya chooses but that this is not a mafia-only thing. People in the light does it as well.

Tanizaki is the most obvious one, it has never been a secret that he would burn the world for Naomi and he is the only ADA character that actively has risked (and potentially killed) a complete innocent person in the name of saving Naomi. Ranpo did it as well, during the cannibalism arc he is the first one to suggest killing Mori because he priorized Fukuzawa not only over Mori´s life (which is natural) but also over the whole moral code of the ADA. And later in the story, he is the only one who wants to refuse the job that we now know that ruined the agency. The whole point of it, is not that the ADA didn´t believe in ranpo, is that if they didn´t took the job innocent people were gonna die and that goes against everything the ADA believes in, but not for Ranpo. He was perfectly fine with letting those people die if he could save his family, if he could save the ADA by refusing the job. Tecchou is a hunting dog, his whole character revolves around justice but he was ready to go against that because Jouno was lost, and that was more important for him than the fucking world. Yes, chuuya actively kills but all of this characters have proved that they would do it too under the right circumstances.

And with this I can finally write the last part of this analysis: Chuuya nakahara shouldn´t be in the mafia, his coping mechanisms and how his character is stuck.

#bsd chuuya #bungou stray dogs #bsd meta #chuuya analysis #bsd analysis #soukoku #skk #the fangirling is strong in this one #he is my favorite and it is obvious #hundreds of words just to say that I adore him #stormbringer spoilers #fifteen spoiler #bsd spoilers

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horizon-verizon · 3 months ago

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I've been watching since the end of season 1, the misogynistic way Rhaenyra fans defend her, especially when they put Daenerys on the opposite side. They shame Daenerys for mourning Missandei and her two baby dragons, and they're so proud that Rhaenyra got over her son's murder so quickly (in episodes 2-8), and were so happy with those girl boss Rhaenyra scenes as if it were a personal achievement.

People have been saying that her quick turnaround in HotD was...good?!

Probably bc they were frustrated by Rhaenyra's grief used as a tool to keep her out of action in the orig story...but now we've veered to the other impossible extreme where a woman seems to feel not enough for the very boy who's been killed when he had traditional protections AND Rhaenyra's grief/pain at this death PLUS the first few betrayals really just impair her overall arc. Bc now her paranoia is being recharacterized as a coping mechanism through self-apotheosis & cultification-need-all-power-to-fascism rather than just a story about her losing loved-one after loved one...which was already pretty horrible. So why add another type of derationalizing plotline that mirrors the "needs to be put down" arc GoT Dany got?!

And in what world is a mother quickly "getting over" her son's death...good and admirable?! Why are we positioning motherhood to be inherently incompatible w/leadership (esp without saying that it can be if said woman/women cannot have the sort of access to leadership or to maintain it bec of already existing structures set up against that, which is different from being a mother and loving your children and grieving their loss)?! Is this not also sexist?! So mothers are the undeserving class of women, now, they can't feel at all bc otherwise they don't deserve sympathy, accommodation, leadership? Disqualified and "weak"?! Is this not the very argument men have brought up in history and current events for why women should never be leaders?! Why do women have be inhuman for people to even like them?

We've swung so left we've gone back to right. (a joke)

You don't need to bash Dany of either show or bk to like Rhaenyra's actual arc; that's simply something HBO and the HotD writers want people to do bc hating on women is a quick money maker. And Dany's grief & compassion for Missandei is rather indicative of her strength, not weakness just as her refusal to kill off her hostages at her councilman's insistence is not "weak" but her reevaluating how she will rule while preserving innocent lives! That a ruler will go the mile to protect innocents is supposed to indicate their willingness to go against the grain and be stalwart against malicious forces....how is that not "strong"? This is the same girl who's miscarries and hallucinates in the desert but still faces a whole horde by the end of ADwD, who endured Hidzhar no Loraq and other perverts and assaulters, who entombed her own dragon children in increasing pain to protect her human subjects! Please!!!!

Yes, GRRM wrote Rhaenyra unfairly...that wasn't an invitation and an all-clear for more misogyny! Show!Rhaenyra is still written sexistly, as was Alicent, Aemma (death), Rhae Royce (death), Rhaenys, and Laena. Let's get it together!

#asoiaf asks to me #hotd fandom #fandom critical #rhaenyra stans #black stan nonsense #hotd rant #asoiaf #hotd #daenerys stormborn #daenerys targaryen #daenerys stormborn's characterization

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system-of-a-feather · 7 months ago

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Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

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Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

#alter: riku #alter: fei #trauma recovery #coping #coping skills #mental health #mental health resources #survival mode #reestablishing baseline #re-establishing baseline

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kyrieren · 6 months ago

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Yashiro and/ versus Kageyama: The singularity of humanhood

Warning: Wall of text (about 1500 words) (ʘ‿ʘ) (ʘ‿ʘ) (ʘ‿ʘ)

"People ... are full of contradictions. They’re lonely. And then they’re not. They’re missed. And then they are not."

This monologue of Yashiro reveals the reasons why Kageyama and he are unable to forge a romantic relationship. The ways they deal with the outer world and themselves contradict each other, rendering them incompatible. Their respective mental burdens billow whenever they are together during high school. Yashiro confronts his homosexuality head-on, embracing it aloud, while Kageyama conceals it, even from his own awareness. It's a tragic paradox, where two individuals grappling with the same matter yet employing starkly contrasting coping mechanisms, making their interactions all the more painful to witness. However, no one is really at fault. People are just different, living in different universes, which entails the ultimate singularity of humanhood.

Yashiro has always been that observant and astute kind of person, perceptive enough to discern much about others, yet conversely, is taken into account and understood too little by other characters. Seeking for torture, aware of the world's inherent cruelty, Yashiro adopts increasingly questionable behaviors, inviting insults and even physical assaults, and hopefully Kageyama's notice too. This self-destructive persona becomes his armor against past trauma, a role he convinces himself to fully embody, albeit at a cost that may appear excessive to others, leading Kageyama to perceive him as self-centered. Despite the fabrication of his persona, Yashiro is candid about one aspect of himself: his attraction to men, a truth that challenges Kageyama's own understanding of himself.

On the contrary, Kageyama's obtuseness isn't inherent but rather a chosen path in life. Ignorance and conformity are his chosen coping mechanism. He follows the footsteps of his parents by enrolling in med school and becoming a doctor; dodges the “danger” of not being straight by finding a woman whenever somebody forces him to confront his true sexuality. Kageyama is that typical type of person who meticulously adheres to social norms, blending in with his family and the heteronormative world around him. However, this self-protective mechanism also endangers Yashiro whose deepest fear lies in rejection and emotional pain.

In this analysis, I’m going to consolidate Yashiro and Kageyama’s dynamic in two symbolism systems: the perceptions (lens vs glasses) and the defense (umbrellas, 2 vs 1).

1. The perceptions (lens vs glasses)

Lens

Lens is typically associated with observation, perception, and worldview. Yashiro’s act of stealing Kageyama’s lens case manifests his desperate yearning to be "seen" by his crush. Through various actions, Yashiro strives to show Kageyama who he is as a person and his aspirations for their relationship: he attends Kageyama’s father’s funeral, shares deeply personal information with Kageyama, and even sexually assaults his classmate to provoke a reaction from Kageyama.

As Yashiro takes the lens case, his inner monologue speaks, “But if he ever rejects me, it’ll probably hurt me. This is… obviously not… something I’m used to feeling.” Yashiro is acutely aware of the potential emotional toll of pursuing this unfamiliar feeling. Despite the risks of rejection and mental anguish, he still bravely proceeds for the desire to escape his perpetual solitude. All he truly seeks is someone who cares about him. Actually, he is asking for just a tiny meager.

Nevertheless, Yashiro's intense persona, shaped by childhood trauma, becomes too much for Kageyama to handle. Consequently, Kageyama consistently avoids and evades the possibility of being gay, which Yashiro persistently presents to him. In fact (or figuratively), Kageyama has given his answer before Yashiro even mentions about the matter.

This rainy scene involving Kageyama, his girl, and Yashiro conveys a profound message about Kageyama's stance. Though the simple dialogue is about Kageyama losing his lens, the underlying theme is about him losing his ability to truly "see" because he chooses not to. He deliberately avoids "seeing" Yashiro to avoid confronting the uncomfortable truth about himself and his sexuality. The girl's remark, "What a waste," goes beyond the monetary value of his loss; it hints at the greater losses Kageyama can imagine at that moment. He loses the world in its true form and his true, authentic self - which navigates us humans throughout life. He reserves himself by never letting that self interact and be reflected from people, leading to a gradual decline in his ability to empathize and grow emotionally. Ironically, his attempt to protect the self eventually ends up destroying it. That's why he grows into such a dense and apathetic bloke.

Glasses

I believe the glasses on his face are meant to be sarcastic. His eyes are not presented in the above panel, instead only his glasses. Glasses are typically a tool for better vision, yet in this particular case, become a symbol of his self-imposed blindness. As Kageyama can’t “see” the world with his own eyes, he chooses to rely on external aids – the social norms, to filter the world for him. A man with glasses is actually a blind man.

2. The defenses (umbrellas and 2 vs 1)

The visual storytelling in these panels is masterful, capturing the intricate dynamics and stark contrasts between the characters and their internal struggles. Here we have black vs transparent umbrella, being accompanied vs alone under the rain. Let’s not forget about the rain – the befallen suffering, and in this particular scene, it could be interpreted as the looming threat they pose to each other or the mental barriers they avoid confronting. Yashiro doesn’t want to be rejected and get hurt, while Kageyama is reluctant to acknowledge his homosexuality, given the societal stigmas.

The umbrellas

I once wrote an analysis including my interpretation of the transparent umbrella Yashiro gives Aoi, if you’re interested, please scroll to the end of this post to read. To summarize that part, that umbrella represents Yashiro’s deep empathy and the wish to end the suffering of somebody who experiences the same trauma he endures. Transparency stands for “being seen”, or at least, in this scene, the wish to be. With all normal to absurd acts, despite the risks, Yashiro is trying to make Kageyama realize who he is as a person (yet of course, acting out on his façade simultaneously). On the contrary to Yashiro, Kageyama’s black umbrella symbolizes his coping mechanism, blocking any outcast that possibly derails him from the safe uniformity. Yashiro, the friend behind him, becomes the epitome of the abject, representing Kageyama's own fear of straying from social norms.

2 vs 1

Additionally, the contrast between Kageyama being accompanied and Yashiro walking alone adds more weight to the scene.

Kageyama's aversion to be odd out drives him to seek validation through external factors, such as his relationship with women, to anchor himself firmly within social norms, which also echoes in “Don’t stay gold”. By being with someone, Kageyama subconsciously affirms his belongingness and shields himself from ostracization.

On the other hand, Yashiro, though broken and “twisted beyond repair”, is risking facing his utmost terror of being emotionally damaged. Walking alone signifies the will to keep himself survive without the buffer of external relationships or societal validation. It must have taken him aggrandizing bravery to reach that point of vulnerability, risking facing his utmost terror of being emotionally damaged.

As Yashiro persists, Kageyama withdraws further. Ultimately, Kageyama’s avoidance calls for Yashiro’s ultimate fear of rejection. The risk becomes too overwhelming for Yashiro to endure, prompting him to halt his pursuit. Eventually, they both settle into a common medium of ceasefire, which is friendship. While Kageyama maintains a superficial, pitying and somewhat indebted concern for Yashiro, Yashiro secretly harbors his unrequited love that spans a painfully long period, nearly two decades.

3. The singularity of humanhood

The oneshot closes with the scene where Yashiro cries at the balcony while clenching Kageyama’s lens case.

“People are… full of contradictions. They’re lonely. And then they’re not. They’re missed. And then they are not.”

Yashiro and Kageyama’s encounter invites an opportunity for a break from their homeostasis of solitude, yet eventually, it plunges them deeper into their initial mental state. Despite being friends and their shared attraction to men, they are universes apart, operating on different systems. They can't find solace from each other. They’re both lonely and yet they’re also not. They both exist, yet they also don't.

Yashiro has always been alone. However, he resembles a stray cat. A stray cat only becomes pathetic if adopted, petted, loved and then abandoned. If Yashiro is never rejected, he is never pathetic or truly lonely. He may be abjected, have nothing or nobody, but he retains the one constant: himself, the only ally that can accompany, protect and keep him survive.

On the very contrary, Kageyama, in conforming to societal expectations for safety, sacrifices his authenticity and inner connection. He may be with others, but he can’t be with himself. Kageyama is so empty inside. Living a life without an authentic self can be just as tragically lonely as physical solitude.

Now who really is the lonely one? Who will be missed and who will not? Yashiro the ever outcast with an overwhelming persona but nobody is taking him into account? Or Kageyama the self-deprived, while conforming to social expectations, lacks a genuine identity?

Read my other analysis including the transparent umbrella of Aoi here:

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agentrouka-blog · 1 year ago

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Jon, Sansa, Romance and Choice

Jon associates his mother with this mix of shame and longing, because his entire existence is founded on an act of transgression rooted in potentially no more than Ned rutting with some poverty-driven peasant behind a shed somewhere when he felt the urge. He has issues with sex and self-loathing a mile wide even before his consent is violated, but when it is, he paints over that with an invention of love that coexists uneasily with his perception of the truth. It makes the situation bearable and it's a familiar coping mechanism. "Beautiful and highborn and her eyes were kind" exists alongside his resignation that his mother was likely a "whore".

Double realities are a go-to for the Starks.

But given this longing for something "pure" to combat his own association with being inherently "soiled", is it any wonder that the kid tries to dress up his abusive relationship with fantasies of flowers, with gestures of chivalry or tender declarations - which either defy reality or are harshly rejected and ridiculed?

Jon is a romantic out of self-defense, much like Sansa. Sansa is escaping the reality of what marriage is for a woman in Westeros, Jon is escaping the base mechanics of sex without mutual dignity or considerstion for consequences. Both reach for the idea of love as a bridge. Love means that Sansa is valued for herself and safe from disrespect. Love means that there is a category of belonging and mutual respect. Their lives become more than a political transaction or an inconvenient byproduct of biology. Love adds dignity to a world that withholds it from them. Love. Not power.

The fantasy of romantic love is pretty crucial to their character arcs in similar ways.

This becomes especially interesting when romance and love slide into a place of transgression with Jon and Sansa. What prevails? The shame of the sordid and soiled, or the inherent dignity of love and mutual care?

It stops being an escapist fantasy, and starts being a choice about what they want it to mean. No double reality but an integration of competing forces. Love in and of itself becomes a central value if it cannot work as a solution to reality. Is it still worth choosing? The answer will be yes.

RLJ, ironically helps with that, rewards that.

Jon will find healing and meaning in the fact that his mother did love him, that no matter the transgressive circumstances, she was everything he had secretly longed for and her choice to love him imbues him with an inherent dignity that his status had always deprived him of.

The reality of being her son also frees his love for Sansa from the constraints of being inherently transgressive. It becomes possible. Integrating double reality twice over.

For Sansa, the incompatibility of love and political reality ("It is my claim they mean to wed. No one will ever marry me for love.") is resolved when the real but impossible love, equally, becomes possible, and only after it was made clear that it existed independent of her value as an "object" and for herself alone.

It's just such a neat shared arc about love. ❤️

#jonsa #jon snow #sansa stark #romantic love

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thestupidhelmet · 10 months ago

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AU T7S where Jackie Doesn't Exist on the Show

Season 1

Donna and Eric's transition from friendship to romance takes longer, giving Hyde more opportunities to interfere with the process. Eric grows more insecure that Donna might have romantic feelings for Hyde, not him, so he starts to back off. Donna takes this behavior as a sign that Eric wants to stay just friends.

Donna, however, makes clear to Hyde she only wants to be friends with him, and he finally gets the message when she dates David Milbank.

Hyde and Eric bond over their unrequited feelings for the same girl.

Kelso "dates" Pam Macy, who isn't at all monogamous. Still, Kelso loses his virginity to her at Prom. His Apollo Rocket of Love explodes on the launch pad, and Pam Macy tells everyone at school. Kelso can't get a date at Point Place high afterward. He's ridiculed by boys and girls alike, and he considers changing schools.

Fez is largely unaffected. He finds a different girl to fixate on, one who isn't in a relationship.

Season 2

David Milbank reveals his true interest in Donna is sex, not her thoughts or writing. She dumps him before they've gotten past first base.

Upset, Donna seeks comfort in Eric, who confesses that he's always liked Donna's thoughts. "In fact, I've always liked ... you."

Donna is shocked, happy, and pissed she didn't know this fact earlier. She asks Eric why he acted like he wasn't into her romantically. He says he thought she liked Hyde that way. "Hyde?" she says. "No, Hyde liked me. I liked you."

"You did?" Eric says. "I still do," Donna says, and they begin their romantic relationship.

Laurie, bored, has sex with Kelso in his van. But since he's not in a relationship, it's a one-time occurrence. Unfortunately, it adds fuel to Kelso's obsession with her. With his reputation at school in the toilet, he pursues Laurie to the point of stalking.

Laurie seeks help from Red, who not only threatens Kelso in the garage but also bans him from the house.

With all that's gone wrong in Kelso's life, he grows increasingly depressed. All his friends try to help, and the truth of Kelso's age comes out. He's eighteen.

Hyde suggests Kelso drop out of school, like most of Hyde's cousins did, and get a job. Donna says Kelso should get his G.E.D. at least. She, Eric, and Fez help him study for it and ultimately get his high school degree.

Living at the Formans' house has helped Hyde emotionally, but his nurturing instinct isn't being nurtured. He becomes more closed off and distant, despite giving support to Donna, Eric, and Fez when they need it.

Season 3

Donna and Eric have trouble navigating their misunderstandings without Jackie's advice and perspective. Hyde is helpful but not enough to make up for Jackie's absence. The resentments build up on both sides, and Donna and Eric break up under different circumstances than they do in "Promise Ring". Instead, they believe they're incompatible as a romantic couple.

Kelso enlists at the police academy after being pulled over for speeding. He believes becoming a cop because will negate his reputation for being a bad lover.

Fez's life is less stressful without chasing after someone (Jackie) who isn't interested in him romantically.

Hyde grows increasingly cynical after his dad (Bud) uses him to pay rent.

Season 4

Donna never dates Casey Kelso because Jackie isn't there to set them up. Donna and Eric date a string of people who they don't truly connect with.

Donna, though, grieving her mother's absence, leans on Hyde far more than she did on the show. Secretly, they start a sexual relationship. For Donna, it's a coping mechanism. For Hyde, it's much more. But Donna eventually connects to the emptiness she feels, and what follows is the grief she's been avoiding.

Hyde, without the insight of Jackie, resents Donna for using him and breaking his heart -- even though deep down he believed Donna hadn't suddenly fallen in love with him. He pushes past his own pain, however, and helps Donna and Eric reconcile.

Fez and Rhonda's relationship thrives without Casey's influence and Donna-influenced-by-Casey's confirmation of Casey's perspective.

Kelso sets fire to the Point Place Police Academy on Flare Day and is transferred to Kenosha.

Season 5

Eric and Donna work on their communication issues, among other difficulties.

Hyde moves out of the Formans' house once he turns eighteen, despite Red's reassurance and reasoning. After what went down with Donna, Hyde wants to run get away from the reminders of what he never really had. He leaves Point Place, and everyone is upset about it -- especially Kitty.

Fez and Rhonda consummate their relationship.

To honor Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez spray paint his name on the water tower. But Eric, through Fez, learns Donna and Hyde were sleeping together last year. Fez says, "I'm happy you can put aside your anger at Hyde and do this for him." Eric says, "Anger? What anger?" Fez says, "Wow, you are even more secure than I thought! If Hyde had slept with my Rhonda, I would kill him."

This revelation tarts a fight between Eric and Donna. Fez and Kelso try to intervene, but Fez gets shoved off the water tower.

At the hospital, Fez's immigration status is discovered. Rhonda marries him so that he can stay in the U.S. and because she loves him.

Eric breaks up with Donna, feeling betrayed by both the fact she slept with Hyde and kept it a secret. He leaves Point Place after graduation to search for Hyde.

Season 6

Kelso and Brooke have sex at the Molly Hatchet concert, and Brooke becomes pregnant as a result.

Eric finds Hyde in Milwaukee. Hyde had gotten seriously hurt at his car mechanic job and needed a kidney transplant. Through this, his true paternity is discovered. W.B. is a match and gives Hyde a kidney.

Hyde's built a new life for himself with his newly discovered family. Eric confronts him about Donna, and Hyde explains the depression and terror and grief Donna was in after her mother left and she and Eric had broken up. "Think about it, man," Hyde says. "Under what other freakin' circumstances would Donna have sex with me? She was miserable."

With his new understanding and empathy, Eric forgives Hyde. Hyde both kept Donna from hurting herself with risk-taking behavior and helped her and Eric reconcile. Eric also lets go of any sense of betrayal he feels toward Hyde and Donna both.

Eric returns to Point Place and apologizes sincerely to Donna (and tells her he found Hyde, etc.) Donna apologizes, too. Not for sleeping with Hyde because better him than a stranger who could have hurt her, although she understands why her being with Eric's best friend hurt Eric. She's sorry for not being truthful with Eric and depriving him of the chance to make choices about their relationship based on the whole truth.

Eric and Donna reconcile, again, before going to college together.

Only Fez, Rhonda, and the Formans are left to help Kelso handle the fact he impregnated Brooke. Kelso, having learned of Hyde's whereabouts, drives to him in Milwaukee -- taking a leave of absence from the police academy.

Hyde sets Kelso to rights. W.B. also steps in, sharing how he wished he'd known he had a son, his grief at missing out on Hyde's upbringing, and sorrow for the trauma Hyde experienced at Bud and Edna's awful parenting.

This week with Hyde and his family convinced Kelso to be in his kid's life and prove to Brooke he's worth of it.

In the series finale, Betsy is born. Kelso holds her in the hospital room while Brooke looks on, tired but happy. Red and Kitty reunite with Hyde in Milwaukee. Fez and Rhonda decide to go to culinary school together so they can one day own a bakery. Eric proposes to Donna while they sit on the Vista Cruiser's hood.

Jukebox Ask Game

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