#incompatible approaches to life and I don’t really want to keep trying and failing to make this work for another eight years

[horsemage]

Sometimes I really wonder if I should have just coughed up the fucking money to stay on campus for the winter

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

What’s your opinion for Leo’s reaction to finding out the mc was immortal as well- not necessarily a vampire, maybe they’re some other type of supernatural. I’m really curious because Leo seems like he’s mainly in love with the mc bec they are human.

Hi lovely!!! Always wonderful to see you, hope you’re well! 💛💛💛💛💛

Tbh I think my opinion remains the same about something like this? I'm going to link to an ask I wrote up a while ago, only because it's v pertinent to the subject matter and good background for what I’m going to expand on here.

That being said, I'm happy to kind of tl;dr/expand on what I talked about there. Basically I had the feeling that Leonardo choosing MC as a lover was more circumstantial--regarding the state of his life in the moment, regarding his general feelings about vampires and vampire society, and regarding his unresolved trauma as a young kid.

I guess my answer to that question--and forgive me if it seems like a cop out--is that it really depends, I feel? I think his attraction has a lot more to do with the kind of person somebody is, their sensibility, more than it has to do with mortal vs immortal. If it was an immortal MC that showed ridiculous fortitude and self-control, measured patience and maturity, I really don’t see him not noticing that? I think he would be wary at first (assuming it’s all a front) but with time would likely feel a great deal of love if they were interested in a life together. If they were able to see and understand what he needs and answered those needs, I guess I just really doubt his ability to say no. It’s all he’s really looking for, and the fact that he hasn’t found it after so long really speaks to his frightened evasiveness and the rare nature of that kind of unshakeable strength.

I also think a lot of his hinging away from purebloods (true immortals, in other words) is that he 100% does not want his familia having any involvement in his meaningful relationships. Which might be why he shows more acceptance towards turned vampires, or potentially different supernatural beings.

But I also don’t like giving a vague answer without some kind of explanation as to how I got, to that conclusion, so a boatload of analysis follows below the content warning.

Spoilers for Leonardo’s route and a few mentions of JPN ver content:

I think he has less of an obsession with the idea of mortality, and more like a constant association of goodness and freedom and maturity with humanity. And while it's understandable, there are signs that--when he has the proper time and space to heal--his views seem to soften from those extremes. I mean his decision to live with Comte is pretty much his first step in that direction; it was him acknowledging for the first time that vampires aren't inherently loathsome or incapable of normal living. (On a revealing note, I think it says a lot that he agrees with MC that she is living in a “wolves’ den” but also feels the need to clarify the men are basically the domesticated equivalent. They don’t pose the same threat other vampires typically do to humans because of their lifestyle and sire.) Additionally, his tsun-like behavior towards Comte also seems to solidify this concept for me: Leonardo’s trying to come to terms with something he's sworn to reject since he was young, but also can't entirely deny that Comte is as chill and mature as purebloods come lmao

[There was also an event in the JPN ver–which seems to be approaching the ENG version rapidly, though only the first part is here right now–in which Leonardo fully offers to turn her. MC is essentially on her death bed, and Leonardo doesn’t want to lose her after so little time together; it’s MC that rejects the future as a vampire out of sheer principle. Even more noteworthy is that, when a reincarnation of MC is reunited with Leonardo in modern times, he is revealed to be exceptionally shaken by that loss. There are suggestions he can’t take losing her again, which could mean succumbing to the desire to bite her.]

Two things I feel are necessary to hit home:

The first being that, at least within the storyline so far, the most mature and human-like vampires we’ve seen are Leonardo and Comte. They seek to emulate the maturity they see reflected in the human beings they’ve known all their lives. Given how vampire society and their hierarchies work, I get the feeling humans are nothing more than amusing tools to them--a way to survive and creatures to exercise control over. There’s an objectification and delusion that comes with what I’ve seen, and I think it’s important in this discussion? If the vast majority of vampires behave this way (because I’m ngl, Leonardo and Comte don’t seem very keen on remaining in touch with other vampires all that much) then it only makes sense they prefer the company of humans who can at least share this sensibility of “been there, done that--stop hurting people bc you’re bored/repressed, grow up.”

One event story where this was exceedingly evident was actually Leonardo’s proposal story. If y’all remember, an old pal/acquaintance of Leonardo’s finds out he’s gunning for a human woman and basically goes “lmao not on my watch.” His name was Adam iirc, and he felt he had every liberty to try and pressure Leonardo into turning MC. Failing that, he insisted they should break up and not be together anymore. Now, on the one hand, it’s fair to say that he was looking out for Leonardo in a way–he didn’t want him to end up miserable and alone when she was gone. But at the same time I feel that Adam’s behavior is deeply revealing of vampire society as well lmao. He doesn’t really try to understand the situation, just immediately assumes it’s the only appropriate outcome. It does insinuate a lowkey cultural disdain for humanity: they are imperfect, they do not last or cannot have real value without preservation. If Adam was really Leonardo’s friend, wouldn’t he realize that Leonardo considers vampirism nothing more than a burden that he would wish on no one, much less his future wife? Additionally, wouldn’t he also keep in mind that Leonardo considers human beings beautiful just as they are? Since he fails these basic requirements to understand Leonardo, my impression is that he is influenced by the larger vampire culture to some extent. Furthermore, it underscores just how thoroughly Leonardo has been trained to keep his cards close to his chest for fear of ridicule/violent reprisal: no vampires know his true feelings on the matter because he would be vehemently rejected outright.

[One can also offer that maybe Adam wasn’t being malicious, maybe vampires find human women they fall in love with all the time and turn them (or any other permutation of companionship that occurs), so he doesn’t understand why Leonardo wouldn’t. But even then, to try to force them to break up if she doesn’t turn? A bit overkill imo but also revealing--Leonardo’s will is being ignored for the sake of upholding a kind of ill-founded superiority complex lmao]

While Leonardo does have a somewhat overbearing need to control the pacing of his relationship and who sacrifices what, I don’t think it’s wrong to be cautious--to want to think things through. I think it’s fair to be afraid that the person you’re with can’t handle what you’ve seen/known. But that also leads me to a core issue I have with MC: she doesn’t inspire much confidence that she can handle the life he’s lived, and that’s a problem of both incapacity and incompatibility. I have to wonder how he reacts when he’s with somebody at the same maturity level, or at the very least somebody with whom he can see her strength with time. When MC’s life was dying out he was desperate enough to accept biting her because he didn’t want to lose her–human or not. It’s MC that rejects this solution, which leads me to further believe that he just doesn’t care about the divide when it comes down to it; it has more to do with his difficulty with being vulnerable and fully trusting someone to care about him. (Assuming they also have the fortitude to stay hopeful and relatively strong over the course of a very long life.)

In line with that, the second thing I think it’s important to acknowledge is how deeply hurt Leonardo is as a result of his family treating him like a fool/black sheep. He outright says and heavily insinuates that his family would write her off as worthless, that they’d never accept her--that's his first thought:

Leonardo: “My familia would call you frail. I think you’re strong and beautiful. You do more with your time than we try to do with ours.”

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MC: “And those letters were from your familia?”

Leonardo: “Yeah. I don’t talk to them or see them anymore. We don’t agree...on a lot of things.”

[Brief intermission here. But lmao. Who does that sound like? If any of you guessed Isaac, that’s exactly what I’m alluding to. Isaac says in his own route smth along the lines of “Why bother trying to get through to people when no amount of talking does any good or gets you any closer to being understood?” Which also explains the way they get along to uncanny degrees: they find comfort in making things/researching because it means being able to avoid the distress that comes with being blatantly misunderstood by others. Their pain simply comes in different dimensions; for Leo it’s about loss and hiding who he is out of fear of rejection, for Isaac it’s about betrayal and people turning on him--ultimately abandonment for both. But I digress, back to the main argument.]

Leonardo: “Once they discovered my location, they began hounding me with letters again. They don’t want me to be with just anyone...They want more purebloods. I’m no more than one half of an equation for them.”

There is a clear implication that his desire to choose somebody that truly makes him happy means jack shit to them. They keep talking over him and trying to wear him down to force him into what they want. It’s no wonder--imo--that he has such a hard time just saying what he wants in his life, to feel like he has the freedom to wish and pursue anything freely. It’s no wonder he just expects MC to spit on everything that’s important to him. It appears as though only other human beings in general and Comte have ever come close to understanding him.

At some point MC realizes that his insistence on being compagni provvisori was originally just another act of sacrifice, and that he was fine with giving up his time and a little privacy if it meant she would be safe. The thing she doesn’t seem to realize in the course of this--and he struggles to say it until later on--is that it stopped being blind generosity. He really did start to fall in love with her, and that’s the whole reason things became even more messy; because he didn’t anticipate not being able to let go on top of the vulnerability. And it’s a big part of why he’s hesitating to speak. He feels he has no right to those feelings, and that he’s imposing on her--not that he’ll be welcome.

And when she did finally admit those feelings were welcome, it was compounded by the parroted views of his family and larger vampire society as a whole. Saying that she herself wasn’t enough, that she had to become a vampire to make him happy. Imo that sounds very potentially retraumatizing given his experiences (people trying to force him into marriages with other vampires who didn’t remotely understand or care about him because it was “the right way of things”). It’s no wonder he freaks out and does something incredibly stupid and insensitive–which is pretty insanely ooc for him.

Leonardo: “...It shocked them. Quieted them down a bit. Hard to get peace when your familia is immortal. Grazie, cara mia.”

Leonardo: “You’re strong, and you’re kind. So probably you won’t cry while I’m here to see it. But when I’m not looking, you’ll cry. If I had done that to you (bitten her, in other words), you’d still be crying when I wasn’t watching... Maybe it’s selfish of me, after what I did, but I just wanted to make you happy. You always look pretty, cara mia, but your smile takes my breath away...It’s not your destiny to love someone who will only make you cry.”

This man literally cannot handle anyone deeply sad or in despair. He’s always going to try to cheer people up and care about them, but general tragedy/emotional discord affects him very powerfully--and it’s likely a reflection of what I’ve mentioned before. He can’t bear to see people feeling helpless or miserable because he’s just been there too many times to be able to cope. He wants to help and heal (even if he’s suffering from prolonged compassion fatigue), but he knows that his powers are limited--even if he is a pureblood.

And the thing is? While it’s misguided to believe she would cry alone when it comes to the context of healthy romantic love (bc the idea would be that you lean on each other when something upsetting happens) he has zero reference point. He was not born as a result of authentic love (his parents never married, he was the result of a procreative arrangement), his family talks over every wish and belief he has and they still claim it’s done out of love/honest concern for him. One can only imagine the serpentine and obnoxious lengths to which his family has deceived or tried to force him into reconnecting with them. Every person that ever did know him/care about him in a real way is gone. Love, for him, has only been a series of losses that left his heart hollowed out; I don’t really blame him for expecting further disappointment and isolation and exhaustion. 

He’s also not wrong in the sense that he partially saw MC do what he outlined, and it’s a big part about what he loves about her. When she was feeling alone and lost–powerless–all she did was shrug and move forward. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t do is healthier. And they both have the tendency to hide when they’re in pain or feeling lost, all because they don’t want to trouble anyone. Remember that when he says this, it’s a reflection of himself too: because even if he was heartbroken beyond measure, all he would do is hide it every second; he would never expect anyone to see right through him or care.

I mean I tend think of that one post I saw that talked about how people often see themselves as a social burden when most of their life has just been a series of neglect and loss. They don’t really have a concept of “you’re not heavy because I want to stay with you. It’s my choice to care about you.” How do you feel worthwhile an existence when four hundred years later your family still won’t treat you with basic dignity. The men in the mansion also all look to him for guidance and soothing because of the kind of person he is–he’s either silent in the periphery or helping. He never betrays so much as an inkling of insecurity or distress. 

I mean the whole reason Leonardo comes to the mansion is because he has absolutely no issue helping Comte in a pivotal time of need without seeking much of anything in return. Remember that Comte explains how Leonardo came to the mansion in response to Comte’s distress about the future. This makes sense considering Comte was rapidly trying to stop Vlad by beating him to the punch, and had only enough time to plan the basics. He had no certainty things would work out, much less that his boys would thrive. But Comte, unlike the boys, has become acutely aware of how much Leonardo is hiding his fatigue and despair in the course of being helped. As such, he wants to return the favor--and tries to be a good friend to him as much as he can (handles his insane familia, keeps things light and silly time between them, takes him seriously as a person, doesn’t pry beyond what’s fair.)

[I also think of that psychology concept of “the good enough mother.” It’s not always about being perfect every second of your life. It’s about paying attention and acting where it really counts. I feel like people who grow up under an enormous burden of neglect or parental/mentor abuse have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. This notion that just trying is enough for a lot of people, that showing them they’re not alone is enough to make  difficult memories bearable. Because it’s the oppressive silence and apathy that tends to kills people, imo--not people who mean well. But Leonardo doesn’t really understand any kind of reciprocal or non-self-emptying model because the concept is beyond him. He has no experience with it beyond Comte and a select few humans he’s befriended.]

Let’s continue on this point of MC crying where he can’t see her, shall we? The reason this scares him so much is not because he doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to make the effort. It’s precisely that he cares to the point of madness. It’s that he is legitimately convinced nothing he has to say, nothing that he can do, no part of him is enough to ease what she will have to trade away to stay with him. The core issue is not one of disregard or objectification, I find it to be more about his belief that he just isn’t enough. He doesn’t trust that anyone can love him to the point where just the sight of him or time with him can heal. And while there is a foolishness to this belief, it’s understandable when you consider where he’s coming from. You can call it selfishness, but it just feels involuntary--he has a lot of fear when it comes to love.

I mean Comte even says it himself? His words here always strike me: “I want you to understand, it’s because he cherishes you just as you are--more than he cares about his future or his well-being.”

Comte is openly identifying the way that Leonardo has a tendency to give more than is healthy. That Leonardo isn’t hesitating because his feelings are lacking, he’s doing it because he knows it’s going to hurt like a bitch trying to love her and never ask beyond what feels reasonable. (Spoilers: no request is reasonable. That’s the problem here. He’s convinced he deserves nothing.) Therefore turning her into a vampire to stay with him is--consequently, to Leonardo--out of the question. This is the literal hingepoint at which Comte and Leonardo divide; Comte simply tells MC he’ll take full responsibility for asking so much of her. He intends to make her happy with every single resource and skill he has at his disposal. Even if he doubts his ability or fears losing her to vampire rhetoric madness, he’d rather try than live with the regret and immediate loss. Leonardo is more resistant because of his dour outlook, that her fear of immortality is never going to be something that either of them can overcome. And/or he’s likely afraid she’s only going to regret being together after so long, and might succumb to the ridiculous sort of power/greed complexes vampires seem so attracted to by nature.

I think Leonardo is still coming to terms with the idea that he isn't alone in the world in a lot of ways, and I think he's also coming to terms with the idea that immortality does not equate to evil. Sure, human beings on average are probably more open to flexible modes of thinking and living compared to vampires--their maturity is in some ways guaranteed due to the instances they're forced to adapt to survive. However, just one look at the ruling class and oligarchies of all kinds (even just stubborn human beings) reveals how they are not immune to the same sort of megalomania, arrogance, and thoughtless violence purebloods/vampires are capable of.

So I guess I hesitate when it comes to the thought that he only loves her because she's human. If anything, I think he loves her for the fact that she's very rooted in reality--not quite so bound by the extremes that trouble him. It's one of the many reasons I believe Leonardo needs a lot of maturity and patience; the ability to differentiate between his panicked/overwhelmed/hurt reactions versus his calm is a skill in and of itself considering his capacity for concealment. To say nothing of getting him to slow down when this happens, too.

I suppose I think about it in a way that’s similar to how Napoleon’s main story narrative is framed. While Leonardo’s route doesn’t focus on the grandeur of being a former emperor, there is a clear insinuation here that he also craves normalcy? Just a little life, with a person he loves dearly, where he can rest and be himself for once. I think because he gives off such an appearance of steadiness, people fail to see that he is barely holding on--not to mention the kind of experiences he’s been deprived of (the exact security and understanding he so expertly emulates).

Closer to your question, it’s worth mentioning that Leonardo’s life goal for a while was the creation of an immortal human being--in that he fully recognized human beings could not offer what he needed as they were.

He loves humans because of their adaptability, their frequent desire to keep seeking out hope and making the best of the broken pieces they have. But then again, it has more to do with the nature of how frequently that sensibility occurs in humans vs vampires (and immortality in general): mortality does demand some level of necessity to change and grow. Which is one of the largest trauma points for him; the vampires around him just refused to grow up, always demanding at him like children and obsessed with their power complexes.

Thing is I also don't know enough about vampire society to know how correct this perceived ratio is. However, given Comte's similar avoidance of other vampires and general inability to live with them (he and Vlad were literal childhood best friends and Comte can't stand him anymore lmao) I think Leonardo may have more validity here than people give him credit for. Which begs the question--why did he quit trying to make a human immortal? What was it that stopped him? Was it the horror of what needed to be done to achieve it? Or would a potential companion start to fall more in love with the idea of immortality than they do with life itself/him? I think it’s a worthwhile question to ask, given the disdain he seems to aim at Shakespeare in particular--once human, but now emulates all of the violence and insatiability marked by vampirism.

This is where the transition from human to vampire/immortal contains another hingepoint: is Leonardo so incapable of finding a middle ground because he feels like any choice he makes will be a wrong one? Marry a human, deprive them of a normal love where they can grow old together. Marry a human and turn them, what if they are reborn with immortal wounds/psychological harm? What if time proves they get bored of him or hateful, what if they begin to act like the predatory purebloods he hates so much? Marry a pureblood/immortal, and be hounded by his family for heirs--risk being with somebody who will never love him or their children, and only inspire more misery in the world.

Does it make sense how this can really start to become an anxious downspiral for someone like him? How the personal insecurity and life history comes together to just compound stress endlessly?

That's the thing that's important here, I think. Leonardo just needs somebody who is open-minded, firm, and not easily deceived. If one takes a look at Leonardo's main story route, the whole reason everything goes to shit so disastrously is because MC stops listening at a critical point. Granted Leonardo could have been more forthcoming for sure, but when she started assuming Shakespeare was right instead of seeing how Leonardo was feeling/reacting, she responded in ways Leonardo wasn't prepared for. He never wanted to shake her faith or insinuate whatever she is is not good enough for him, and tbh I think Leonardo downspiraled because it was just the same thing all over again. What he is--a vampire and immortal--keeps ruining everything he wants with his life. 

[sweetdejun]

someday // l.t.y.

summary: several years after high school, when you and your peers have all established careers, you get invited to your graduating class reunion.

pairing: lee taeyong x gn!reader

word count: 2.4k

genre: exes!au, angst, some closure.

a/n: mentions of alcohol, UNEDITED

You knew this day would come, but not this soon.

It feels like it came fast when in reality it’s been almost seven years since you graduated from high school. It took a handful of odd jobs after receiving your bachelor’s degree, but you were able to land a position as an accountant. With your hard work, you’ve slowly climbed up the ladder to where you now serve as the finance director of the firm you work for. Your salary is handsome, as per your standards, and you were recently able to afford a nice apartment. It was only after your move that you visited your parents on the other side of the city where they handed you the envelope in your hands. It was an invitation to your high school reunion.

That's how, fast forward a week later, you found yourself standing in front of your old high school gymnasium. You see people walking towards the entrance and feel stupid because most of them seem to be going with another person, maybe a friend they would keep in touch with or a significant other. Maybe you should have coaxed one of your co-workers and bribed them with drinks or something afterward. Too late now, you thought, as you sighed and made your way to the entrance. Upon arrival, the first thing you notice is the reasonably large group of people scattered throughout the room. It’s dark and the only light sources are the few disco ball lamps projecting multicolored circles throughout the perimeter of the room. You squint to try to make out people when seconds later, your thoughts are interrupted by a shrill, “Y/N!” You turn your head towards the sound and find an adult Jisoo approaching you. Jisoo was one of your closest friends you kept in touch with for a while but lost contact with a couple of years into college. “Jisoo, is that you? Oh my god, it’s been ages! How are you?” you hugged her, and she began to share how shortly after graduating college, she applied for a job as a photographer at a fashion agency, but she ended up landing a job as a model. Long story short, Jisoo was now a thriving model. “I’m so happy for you!” you gush with sincerity and she gets shy, combing her fingers through her hair. She tells you that she may have just landed her big break, about to fill you in on details when an oh-so-familiar voice cuts her off. “Hey guys,” you turn around and your eyes meet Lee Taeyong.

Taeyong and Y/N: the “dream team” as they used to call you back in high school. You shared a long and valuable relationship with him, dating almost throughout all of high school. That's why when people heard that you split up, they were more shocked than they would have liked to admit. it was a rather nasty breakup that was not mutual at first; he had gotten into his dream university located across the country while you chose to stay in your home city for college. You didn't want to stop him from achieving his dreams of becoming a pediatric dietitian; you would have hated yourself for acting that selfish. Therefore, you thought things could work via long-distance and they did for a while, but the harsh realities like not being able to hold each other in your hard times set in faster than you wanted to admit. Your schedules were becoming increasingly incompatible, and it became difficult for either one of you to grasp onto the relationship. You both watched as it slowly slipped away from your hands. Taeyong was the one to pull the trigger, and with heavy hearts, the two of you officially parted ways.

You have not contacted each other since then. Now, the two of you stand face to face, and you see an emotion in his eyes that you don’t recognize. Perhaps it’s because you successfully managed to forget the negative memories from all the ones you still have of him. Or maybe you just forgot how to read him. “Uh, Y/N, I wasn’t expecting you to show up,” he awkwardly rubs his hands together as he slowly shifts his gaze around the room. “Yeah, I wasn’t going to come, but I decided to come just for the fun of it. Bit of a last-minute decision, actually.” Jisoo could sense the tension in the air and playfully scoffed, “really? Y/N, I thought you weren’t the type of person to make last-minute decisions. You used to grill me for doing that all the time.” You notice the surprise looming on Taeyong's face; he must’ve been taken aback by your statement too. You turn away from his careful gaze before coldly replying, “people change over time, I guess.”

After Jisoo finds someone else to catch up with, you quickly excuse yourself to the bar to grab a glass of punch because there is no way in hell that you want to be left alone with Taeyong right now. The walk over to the bar is a little difficult, mainly due to the lack of light, but you manage to make it without bumping into anyone else. as you pour your punch in a cup, someone clears their throat in front of you. “Johnny Suh!” you gasp, a smile forming on your face. Johnny and you used to be neighbors in high school but right after graduation, he and his family moved to Chicago. You were very sad at the departure of one of your only friends, so you were beyond thrilled to see him again. You shuffle around the table to give him a hug that he gladly reciprocated. “I thought I saw you walk in. how are you, Y/N?”

“I’ve been well. Busy, but well. When did you get back?” He tells you that he recently got a job at an accounting firm, right here in the city. When you ask him where he says the name of your firm. “No way! I work there, too!” Johnny lights up at this, you talk about the work-life, how the people are, and share your experiences.

You fail to notice that across the room, a pair of eyes have been following you ever since you left them alone a few moments ago. Taeyong watches, with a pained gaze, as you reciprocate what is obvious flirtatious behavior from Johnny. Truthfully, when Johnny moved away, Taeyong remembers being a little happy on the inside, because he wouldn’t have to hear you talk about him so much. If he didn’t know better, he’d say that Johnny harbored a small crush on you. When he brought it up, you used to throw your head back in laughter, before pinching his cheeks and calling him cute. That same feeling begs to ignite again, but his head is quicker than his heart, as it forces him to look down at the thin silver band wrapped around the ring finger of his right hand. You’ve moved on, he hears, and he tucks his hand into his pocket. Someone walks over to him and captures his attention, pushing the thoughts of you and what could have been to the back of his head.

Johnny gets a call from someone, so he excuses himself from your company, leaving you standing amidst the terrible background music and a half-full cup of punch in your hand. You figure you can go grab some fresh air right about now, so you meander off to the door, before stepping out onto the concrete outside. The cool summer breeze is comfortable against your arms but out of habit you fold them together, the cup of punch firmly held in your palm. You close your eyes and exhale the breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Care if I join you?” Taeyong’s voice rings, shattering the silence you developed briefly. Opening your eyes, you clear your throat before saying, “be my guest.” Taeyong stands next to you, and once he’s in the light you’re able to get a better look at him. The last time you saw Taeyong, his hair was much shorter and cleanly trimmed. He had innocence in his eyes that twinkled with every step. The version of him standing next to you was definitely more mature; there’s a shadow of smile lines and crow’s feet on the side of his face you see, his hair has grown out quite a bit and you can make out the sharpness of his cheekbone and jaw naturally contouring his face.

“Some things never change, right?” He says out of the blue and you cough to offset the growing embarrassment you feel. He’s referring to how you used to zone out into your thoughts when you stared at him, usually from the side. He would always be able to pick up on it, teasing you relentlessly. “Have you been well?” “Did you move back here?” The both of you asked at the same time to one another, awkwardly laughing off the collision of your questions before you said, “you first.” Taeyong nodded, “I moved back here almost a year ago actually. I was transferred to a small hospital and they knew I was from here, so they figured it was easier to send someone who had a feel for the demographic.” You bit your lip, and he continued, “I didn’t realize how much I missed this city. It was only after I moved back that I felt like this is where home was all along. How about you, did you ever leave?” You shook your head, “I had all my opportunities here, so I never felt the need to go anywhere. I have been perfectly happy and I never felt better,” and as you speak, you notice Taeyong pull his hand out of his pocket to scratch his ear and light reflects the ring resting nicely on his ring finger. You try not to let your eyes widen too much, but you can’t help it if your heart shatters in your chest. “You’re engaged.” Taeyong winced at the change in your tone; he wanted to avoid this topic. “Uh, yeah. Yes, I am.” You attempt to play it off, looking away from his analyzing gaze. “Who’s the lucky person?” Taeyong looks outward with a certain fondness as he recalls details of his significant other. He says they met in one of his classes, saying they “were the best friend he never had”. You listened on as your walls started to break.

“I proposed shortly after I found out I was transferred here. They moved here with me, actually.” You nodded, recognizing all too well this feeling growing in you. It was reminiscent of how you felt when you broke up with him, but this was much more intense. You painfully exhaled and you knew he could sense it. “Happy for you. I really am,” you managed to say without letting your voice crack. Taeyong was always very straightforward with you, and it didn’t surprise you when he said, “Y/N, I was in the darkest place when we broke up. They helped me get out of that. I know it was not an easy decision to make, which is why I want you to know that you will always have a place in my heart. We spent so many years together, it’s natural that you and I will always be something special.” You turn the other way, and this time, you can’t stop the tears from falling. You couldn’t face him anymore because you don’t want to reveal to him that a big part of you still wanted him. Seeing that ring on his finger and hearing him gush about his partner reaffirmed all that. Now, all you wanted to do was to get out of there. “I’ll be honest, sometimes it still feels like I haven’t gotten over you. Even if I did. Know that I will always love you and that you’ll always have a piece of me.” Taeyong says, and a small whimper leaves you. “I’m a mess, Taeyong,” you croak. “I built this strong wall and convinced myself that I was okay. Tonight you’ve proved me wrong. I tried time and time again to find someone else to introduce into my life but no one comes close.” You finally wipe your eyes and turn back to face Taeyong to find silent tears trailing down his face. “I was hoping you’d be here tonight if I’m being honest. I needed to get this off my chest. I’m sorry for everything, Y/N.”

You breathe, the final bit of teardrops sitting at your waterline. “Thank you, Taeyong. For everything, but especially the memories. I know I can’t fall out of love with you overnight, and I certainly will not ask you to do anything selfish. You know that I just want you to be happy, and if they make you happy, that’s all that matters.” Taeyong wants to reach out to wipe your tears, but he’s afraid he’ll cross a line he set for himself. “Would you still want to be friends? For old times’ sake,” Taeyong asks, hoping you’ll say yes. You feel conflicted but you say, “you’re going to need to give me time, Taeyong. I need to sort things out in terms of relationships, and right now, I don’t think I can take being your friend. That’s going to lead to me wishing terrible things on you two, and I don’t want to jeopardize a relationship that is strong enough as it is. Please, don’t force me to befriend you when I’m broken.” Taeyong is hurt, but the rational voice in his head is telling him that you are doing the right thing. “It’s getting late,” you muster the courage to say, “I should head out but I’m glad you got the closure you needed.” Taeyong offered to walk you to your car, and you don’t know if you can take any more heartbreak, but you let him walk you anyway. The tears are gone for now, but they’ll come back. Taeyong hesitates, “Do you want to meet up for lunch or something anytime soon?” You unlock your door and open it before turning to him. There’s a glint of hope in his eye, and you smile meekly, “maybe but not soon, Taeyong. When I’m ready. I hope you can understand.” He nods almost instantly, and you’re grateful for his reaction. “I’ll see you someday,” you tell him and he nods, waving to you as you start your car and leave, whispering under his breath “someday.”

a/n: AHHH my first ever long scenario. this was much easier to do than a series lol but I’m nervous! I would appreciate any and all feedback you guys have for me, and thank you for reading it!

[mst3kproject]

Battle of the Worlds

Several times on this blog I've featured movies that have more than one title.  In almost every case, the new titles were better than the original one, and this is not an exception.  Battle of the Worlds is fairly bland, but it tells you that you're going to be seeing a movie about some kind of space-based conflict, without giving away the details.  The Italian title was Il Pianeta degli Uomini Spenti, which is a fucking spoiler.

An earlier draft of this review contained a couple of jokes about the classically phallic 60's spacecraft in the movie, but I went back and took those out.  Bezos has really set a whole new standard for Giant Dong Rockets and I can no longer accept anything less.

A group of astronomers have just discovered a rogue planet, which they have dubbed the Outsider, is entering our solar system. Everybody is worried about it hitting Earth except for nasty old misanthrope Professor Benson, who says it'll be a near miss.  As it turns out, nobody's exactly right – the Outsider doesn't hit us, but it doesn't just pass by, either.  Instead, it settles into orbit, and when humanity attempts to explore it, it responds by sending out squadrons of flying saucers to blow our rockets out of its sky!  After one of these crashes on Earth, Benson is able to learn how to deactivate the Outsider’s defences and land on it, where humanity can finally confront its inhabitants... or can we?

Well, if you speak Italian, you already know the answer, because this is The Planet of Extinguished Men. The aliens are all long dead and their spaceship has been following its programming for millions of years without them, including the part telling it to destroy the Earth.  Bummer.

I actually have quite a bit to say about this movie.  It centres around some interesting musings about human emotion and curiosity, though it never comes to any solid conclusions.  As a movie, unfortunately, it's not very well-made.  This is a story in which the world as we know it nearly comes to an end more than once, and yet very little seems to happen in it.

The opening sequence is terribly clumsy and does very little to place you within this world.  We start off with two characters kissing and being excited about starting a new life together, but we have no idea at this point who they are or why they want to leave this place. When the Outsider is discovered, the scientists beat around the bush and try to keep it a secret, even from the audience.  Only Benson is willing to be upfront about it.  This does establish him as a realist while making his colleagues seem spineless, which is what the movie wants, but it's also terribly frustrating for the viewer.

Later there's a sequence in which a craft attempting to land on Mars is nearly destroyed by the gravity of the Outsider, and some quick thinking saves the astronauts' lives, but this is directed like the battle sequences in Invasion of the Neptune Men. We have no idea where any of these craft or planets are in relation to one another, and have to rely on characters sitting at desks to tell us what's happening.  Even worse, we never see the chaos the looming end of the world wreaks on society.  Astronauts who have recently returned to Earth note that they've heard there have been suicides and riots as people fear the Outsider will impact our planet, but we never see any of this.

The movie does a little better later, when the Outsider's close approach causes disastrous tidal forces... these are represented by black and white footage of floods and volcanic eruptions tinted red to try to make it match the rest of the colour film.  As always, this fails, but at least they tried. Other special effects are equally pathetic.  There are the inevitable plastic model kit rockets with their flame exhaust that rises in what's supposed to be a zero-gravity vacuum.  The 'flying saucers' the Outsider launches to defend itself look like nothing so much as giant fried eggs.

The Outsider itself is particularly sad to look at.  They have a model they use for it in a few shots, but this is about on a par with the original MST3K spaghetti ball.  In other shots, the Outsider is represented by a photograph of the Moon.  Absolutely no attempt is made to disguise it, and so of course the effect is a dismal failure because everybody knows what the goddamn Moon looks like. They couldn't even, I don't know, turn it upside-down or something?

On the other hand, the inside of the Outsider is actually pretty cool.  The sets aren't exactly believable, but you can see what they were going for.  Upon entering the caverns, the explorers find themselves in a series of tunnels full of strange red tubes and textures that look more organic than geological. Entering the Outsider is like wandering around within a living organism.  My favourite part of this is that absolutely nothing we see here is comprehensible.  Professor Benson, the genius, claims to be able to figure out what's going on, but his declarations seem arbitrary and nothing we're looking at makes visual sense.  Even the aliens don't look like anything in particular.  Were it not for Benson, we would not recognize them as living (or dead) creatures.

Like First Spaceship on Venus, Battle of the Worlds is much more interested in its ideas than in anything else, including what is supposedly its plot.  The characters are important mostly as the embodiment of those ideas, rather than as people in themselves, and the ideas the movie wants to study are about logic and emotion and how they affect human priorities.

The character of Dr. Fred Steele finds himself facing the potential end of the world, and decides that the most important thing to him in this situation is the love between him and his fiancee, Eve Barnett. Professor Benson, on the other hand, thinks the most important thing is to understand the threat they're facing.  Partly this is so that humanity can save itself from destruction, but knowledge for its own sake is also important.  In between these two men is Eve herself, who thinks love and science are both important and tries to find some middle ground between the two.  This is difficult for her, because Benson wants her to stay at the observatory and assist him, while Fred wants her to leave with him so they can get married.  When Eve tries to convince Fred to stay with her, both men see this as her having chosen Benson, and it poisons the relationships between all three parties.  Only with Benson dead are Eve and Fred able to strike a balance again.

But the movie doesn't want us to think that there is no middle ground.  The movie's other romantic couple are the two scientists from the Mars Base, Bob and Cathy.  They got married because they were both lonely and a psychological evaluation suggested that they had compatible personalities.  As the story progresses, however, they find that they have indeed fallen in love and want a future together that would include things like children – but this is ultimately denied to them, as Cathy is crushed by falling debris while exploring the Outsider.

Benson dies when insists on staying aboard the Outsider to try to decode its computers despite the fact that the military is about to destroy the entire object.  As the others escape, Fred intones the movie's beauty killed the beast line: “poor Benson, if they opened his chest they'd find a formula where his heart should be.”  And yet Benson died happy – as the Outsider explodes he is triumphant in his ability to understand its secrets, and laughing at the foolishness and cowardice of his fellow man.  It is the survivors who are miserable, mourning the loss of Benson himself as well as of Cathy, whose death was entirely meaningless.

I'm not sure what the movie is trying to tell us about these different approaches to life.  It seems to present them as ultimately incompatible, that attempts to give logic and emotion equal weight can only end in tears.  Only Benson, who was unswerving in his devotion to science, is ultimately satisfied. Perhaps the take-home message is that whatever your principles are, happiness lies in following them to their conclusion.

There's a second message, too, in different approaches to science itself. Modern physicists will often describe themselves as either theoretical or experimental... the two fields do compliment each other, but they often take place in different rooms, and one will be seen as leading the way for the other.  The search for the Higgs Boson was theory-led: people were pretty sure it existed, they just had to find it.  A great deal of astrophysics, however, is result-led: what we see tells us that there are things going on, like dark matter and dark energy, that we know nothing about, and the theorists must do their best to figure it out.

For most of his life, Benson has been a theorist.  He sits in his greenhouse chalking on the floors, spinning theories out of other people's results or out of pure mathematics.  Until the arrival of the Outsider, he had no interest in going out and exploring or experimenting.  But it quickly becomes clear to him that he cannot understand the Outsider through pure theory, as his calculations cannot account for the decisions of its makers.  In order to know it, he must see it for himself, so he grandly announces his intention to leave his 'den'.  Nobody ever asks him if it was worth it, but his maniacal smile at the moment of his death suggests that it was.

Battle of the Worlds had potential to be a really interesting movie, but ultimate the way its shot and edited make it mainly a very dull one.  Like its own characters, it fails to find the balance it needed.

[thedreadvampy]

Do you have any advice for a young poly person thats just started figuring out that part of their identity? I'm kind of lost at the moment

I don't really know, to be honest. Being poly is, to me, just sort of where I ended up, I didn't like...take active steps to get here. I'm a very take-life-as-it-comes person 🤷‍♀️ I don't even necessarily think of polyamory as something I AM, it's just that I have polyamorous relationships and I don't do well in monogamous ones, so to me it's pretty much something you need to handle on a case by case basis.

I think to me the key things are being honest, communicating, being boundaried, and having good time management skills.

Communication is important in any relationship, but it's like...VITAL in a poly relationship because all of you are going to have to balance each other's needs. It doesn't mean it's EASY, mind you. I have had many conversations by writing a note and then hiding, or by mumbling into a mattress while hiding under a duvet. But you need to be willing to make the effort to talk honestly with your partner, even when it's really hard, about what you need, where your boundaries are, and what you want, and you ABSOLUTELY need to be with someone who can manage a similar level of communication. You need to make room for your own wants and needs, but you also need to be able to judge what you're ok to compromise on.

Honestly again though this is just what you need to make a relationship work of any kind, it's just a bit more pronounced in poly relationships because there are more moving parts. And like any relationship, there will be times you mess up, times you hurt your partners, times you get hurt, times your needs are incompatible with your partners' and you have to step back...that doesn't mean you're necessarily Failing At Polyamory, it's just sometimes what happens in relationships.

Every poly relationship is different because every relationship is different, and you and your partners are going to have to negotiate what you're comfortable with, what you want from the relationship, and how involved you want to be with your other partners.

One thing I would stress is that it's your right and your prerogative to choose a poly relationship. It's not your right to insist somebody ELSE be in a poly relationship. Different people need different things out of relationships. It may be that you fall for someone who wants a monogamous commitment, and if that's the case both of you have some soul-searching to do - do you think you can make it work being monogamous? Are they open to giving polyamory a try? What will you do if they try polyamory and hate it? - and sometimes you will not be able to make it work, even if you really really like each other. And that sucks. But don't take it personally - they're not being unfair by maintaining their boundaries, nor are you being unfair by maintaining yours.

There's no one size fits all answer to what being poly looks like, and the best advice I have is to keep having the conversation about what you need and what the people you love need. Set boundaries and be honest about them; tell your partner if you're unhappy or overwhelmed; build a relationship that works for you. And if you've done that then everyone who acts like polyamory is weird or aberrant or selfish can piss off, what matters is that you are doing right by yourself and the people around you.

There will be awkward points and people who react weirdly. You're not obliged to tell everyone on sight that you're poly, but nor should you feel obliged to hide it. Disclose at your own pace and remember polyamory is no more or less valid than any other approaches in relationships.

You don't have to have it all figured out, you just have to be ready to work with your partners honestly and thoughtfully to figure out how you'll handle roadblocks.

Also don't cheat (and if your partner has set boundaries you've agreed on, breaking those still counts as cheating even if you're poly). Don't be a dick. Don't let anyone tell you your relationship is inherently sexual or excessively hipstery. And do lock your door when you're making out with your partner if your parents don't know you're poly, because, uh, that's how one of my partners ended up coming out as both bi and poly to their mum and it was embarrassing all round.

But also I feel like this is a lot of dos and don'ts but tbh the takeaway is - there's no reason to be stressed about it. It literally is just Doing A Relationship, and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't but there's no reason why you shouldn't have really fulfilling, lasting, supportive poly relationships which are as strong and nurturing as a good monogamous relationship. I think there's this perception that polyamory is somehow inherently shallow or adolescent or temporary but that's not my experience at all, relationships are relationships and if you can keep up communication and honesty then you'll have good relationships. I have had bad poly relationships where I've felt sidelined and secondary, but I've also had this phenomenally supportive relationship with my partners where like, we've been able to support each other in managing abuse and trauma, where we hang out and take the piss out of each other and play games together, where things that are stressing me that I can't talk about with one partner I can vent about with the other - it's genuinely so good. I never did well with monogamy because I never liked being the sole centre of someone's life and polyamory for me is way less stressful even though there are a lot more moving parts. I know that if I need support I won't be piling all my woes on one person, so I bottle less up. I know that I don't need to worry about feeling like I've trapped people or like I'm not giving them what they need, because if I'm not they can go find it elsewhere. For me, polyamory has been the most freeing thing and I'm so grateful that I had the confidence to say "this is what I need" and to find other people whose needs match up with mine.

I hope you find what you need and if you want any advice about any specific stuff my ask box is always open. it may not be helpful and you may just get a 2000000 word ramble but nevertheless. always open.

[purgatoryandme]

Hello!!! Happy 3 day new year!! I just saw your previous reply on shadow work and just wanted to ask you a question. What behaviour would you call someone who has hurt you in the past but tells you to "get over it" and to "not hold any more negative energy" anymore about that hurt? Would you say that it's gaslighting to dictate how long a person can be hurt over something/an action that you do? Thank you!!

I think it really depends on the full context of the situation and how holding onto that hurt affects you and a relationship that you may or may not want to keep. If a person has a pattern of behaviour that is injurious to you, wherein they are consistently disrespecting boundaries that have been communicated or are being inconsiderate after conversations about how their behaviour is hurtful, then ‘forgive and forget’ is a poor approach and them treating your hurts as ‘negative energy’ is skewing your relationship in an unhealthy direction that puts your needs below theirs. However, if a person isn’t aware they hurt you, or if the hurt was a single time event that they have apologized for and tried to move past, then the situation becomes a little more complicated.  Mindfulness exercises will teach you that holding onto hurts, especially for years, and using them as a reflexive defence or punishment in a relationship in which you feel insecure is bad for YOU. For instance, if you were friends with someone who stole your boyfriend in high school, bringing that up whenever you fight or feel insecure is hurtful behaviour on your part that fails to acknowledge any of the work that person has put in to make up for their mistakes and also avoids the real issue (whatever it is you may be fighting about currently). This kind of behaviour is common in families - when you live with people, especially since childhood, they cannot avoid hurting you at some point, but bringing it up constantly in a competition of who-hurt-who-the-most only makes each new conflict worse. Everyone makes mistakes, and while some hurts are difficult to move past, when leaning on that hurt only hurts you and the other party more...what’s the point? Nobody can dictate when and how they get over something fully, but we all dictate when we start that journey and how much work we put into it for ourselves and others. We also dictate how we communicate those hurts and the limit to which we will tolerate exposing ourselves to them. In that vein, I really think ‘gaslighting’ has become a pop psych term online that people use to highlight the current divide between ‘toxic’ and ‘good’ people. Genuine gaslighting behaviour has intent behind it, is an established pattern of behaviour, and is designed to make a person question their own perception and memories of an event. Telling someone to get over something isn’t gaslighting, but telling them that everyone else involved has moved past it, that it wasn’t that bad, that it happened longer ago than it did, that you weren’t that hurt at the time CONSISTENTLY is, especially when the person tries to highlight the irrationality of your behaviour to yourself and brings in other people. Gaslighting is manipulative behaviour and needs to be squashed quickly when it arises if this is still someone you want in your life, which they might be.  Anyway, I don’t believe in removing negativity from your life either by cutting people off or by simply getting over things (re: no negative energy :))))) ). Life isn’t black and white, people are stupid, and it’s hard to be human. Anger, sadness, grief, hurt - they’re all important emotions and I think their expression allows us all to become better people and to feel more connected at the root of it all. It’s best to express those things and struggle your way through communication at least once before deciding if you want to work with somebody to patch things up or if you want to remove them entirely. Fight with them! Argue! Cry! Punch a hole in their wall! Be vulnerable enough to expose why you can’t get over something! Maybe you’ll iron things out, or find out enough about how they feel that you can work towards forgiving them. Or, if you feel they’ve changed since they hurt you (in a good way or a bad way) and you’re tired of it all, tired of yourself, tired of not being able to discuss it with them because maybe you two aren’t the kind of people who can do that, sit with the feeling for awhile and change your perspective of their relationship with you. You can keep people in your life without trusting them. You can learn to love them again from a different angle, knowing that the scar they left will always be there. You have choices when you stop trying to think of everything as right and wrong or healthy and unhealthy. People have friends for different things, and some people aren’t the friends that you share all your thoughts with, and some people ARE but they’ll never agree with you and that’s ok. There are friends who cut you off at the knees because you’re destroying your own life, there are friends who help you rebuild, there are friends who are only friends when the world is falling apart - they’re not all the same, and not all of them can be trusted with all your secrets, and some of them can become damaging when you place them in a different context, but none of them are inherently right for you or wrong for you. To finalize this whole thing without knowing any of the context in which you’re asking, I’m definitely hypocritical about a lot of this and it isn’t easy. That said, I’ve kept a lot of people in my life for over a decade, and I’ll tell you with complete honesty that plenty of that decade hasn’t been good for us. Most of my closest friends were, at some point, people who hated me, and some were bullies directly involved in one of the worst periods of my life. We’ve been close, then grown apart, then close again until we learned each other’s limits and even then new limits came up through mental health crises and mutual ignorance. I’ve grown apart more permanently from some of my best friends when they’ve changed, not necessarily into worse people, but into people incompatible with me, too. So yeah, thinking on shadow work and the like, everybody has something terrible inside of them and if you stick around you’ll see it. Sometimes it can be worked past, where the shitty things in them match up with the shitty things in you, and you’ve hurt each other enough times that it all kindof evens out. Sometimes it can’t be. But you’ve got to look into yourself, consider what you can tolerate and if you want them around, and then either try or walk away - and even then it doesn’t have to be forever. Hopefully that helps? 

[mssapphire]

The personal is political, and the political is personal

One of the reasons why Choice Feminism (which is the bases for current Pop Feminism) is so persistent, is because it is so difficult to understand how the political and the personal coexist.

Choice Feminism will tell you that any choice a woman makes is a feminist choice, and an empowering one, just by sake of being a woman’s choice. The problem with that, as we see in today’s culture, is that it allows space for internalized misogyny to be washed clean and legitimized. Most importantly, it keeps us from actually looking at and pointing at the power structures at play - and we end up falling deeper into patriarchy’s clutch, all the while thinking we are breaking free.

But the real question we need to ask is: why do we feel the need to do that? why don’t we, when faced with arguments that point towards our own harmful behavior just stop? why do we insist in perpetuating oppression towards ourselves and others? 

Because it’s not that easy. The cliché answer is to say: because we live in a society - but that doesn’t really explain away why we fall into this dynamic.

And I think the reason why is deeply personal and emotional. It’s because facing ourselves with our own (self)harmful behavior is, simply put, painful and uncomfortable. So we immediately get defensive. We immediately try to justify it. We quickly jump to say: ‘my life, my choice!’ and leave it at that.

Because we also like to think that we’re deeply rational beings. But we’re not. We’re emotional - we just don’t want to admit our contradictions and we want to save face and find a way to make it right through our words, just so we don’t have to acknowledge to ourselves that we, in all our human imperfection, are, and will continue to be, some way or another, problematic. And we end up justifying the craziest shit.

Let me explain with a personal example.

I have studied Feminism actively for about a decade. I understand the patriarchal structures of power. I understand why the objectification of women is oppressive. I understand why the beauty industry creates and preys on women’s insecurities and operates under the patriarchal values that a woman’s job is to be beautiful - and a woman who isn’t, is somehow ‘less than’. I understand our cultural constructions of taste and how we have a rigid knowledge of what is beautiful and what isn’t, and how that is harshly applied to women.

But at the same time, I have struggled with my self-image and my self-esteem. I have struggled with weight and eating disorders, and I still battle excoriation - which coexists with having very sensitive skin which flares up over the slightest change in conditions. And I know that, beyond this compulsion, women tend to suffer from anxiety a lot more than men, and also struggle a lot more with body image because of the context we live in, which places female beauty at an impossible standard.

Understanding the power dynamics at play has been something that has helped me immensely in my healing. It has allowed me to say to myself: my body is mine, and it doesn’t belong to the Patriarchy, and I’m allowed to be and exist even if I’m not a perfect beauty and I am also worthy of love beyond how desirable I am. And I think internalizing this is profoundly important and empowering to everyone (and it’s all of us) who has to struggle with this anxiety of having to perform femininity under the threat of having our entire existence questioned.

But, at the same time, I can’t help to feel soothed, content, and even happy, when my skin is clear. When I try my clothes on and they still fit me fine. When I decide to go out and then do my hair and put some make up on, and think I look nice when I look in the mirror.

And these two are not incompatible. Understanding why we do things is the real work we have to do. I understand that putting on make up is not particularly feminist, and I know that it is playing to patriarchal standards. But beating myself up over being a ‘Bad Feminist” wouldn’t do me any good. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. But making ridiculous leaps of logic as to explain why that is empowering and not playing under Patriarchal rules would be a disservice to women everywhere too.

We don’t exist in a vacuum. The way we perpetuate or change values is through inheritance - you learn what you see and what you grow up with. You can unlearn a lot, but not everything. You can’t change your visceral feelings just because you understand things logically (ask anyone who’s gone through trauma and is having a panic attack). Internalizing that learning process is a life long process.

And yes, we will catch ourselves doing things that are not holier than thou and problem free. And that’s ok... as long as we catch ourselves doing it and require ourselves to do just a little bit better next time. Because, here’s the trap: the minute we convince ourselves that we are non-oppressive (and this includes internalized oppression), we start missing the ways that we are and we miss the opportunities to learn and grow.

This also applies to our behaviors with others. I have been thinking about writing about the use of the word ‘toxic’ (edit: here it is), and also about how we can be nice people and still be assholes. I haven’t decided if I’ll write the posts separately or together. 

Instead of having that knee jerk reaction and saying: but I’m a Feminist! but I’m not racist! I’m not transphobic! I’m not homophobic! etc, etc., we need to stop for a moment and think.

Sometimes it’s better to tell ourselves: ‘I am not, or I don’t want to be, (oppressive), but these actions/words/thoughts were. Let me go ahead and learn why that was, and how I can improve on this’. Because that is infinitely more productive than shutting down completely and failing to see why our behaviors are problematic.

I follow Your Fat Friend on Insta, an account dedicated to educating about fatphobia and celebrating fat bodies. And I remember she once posted some stories explaining how she didn’t care what people thought about her but, instead, she definitely cared about how people treated her. I hope to be paraphrasing correctly (and I’m doing all of this from memory), but she then went on to explain how she’s aware about how difficult it is to actually change people’s minds and instinctual gut reaction - but that she definitely could address how people acted and treated her because or despite those gut reactions.

And I think it’s a way more realistic approach. Oppressive behavior is something deeply ingrained in all of us. It takes up a lot of active education and engaging and messy work for us to change it - and expecting people to do a 180 the second you point out shit to them is a bit unrealistic.

This doesn’t mean we don’t have to call out people when we see them engaging in oppressive behavior, because we absolutely do. But just as we understand that our own learning journey is complex, we must understand that other people’s are too.

Speaking of which - burn out is real. We can’t expect people to be engaged activists and teachers all the time. We’re allowed not to educate others. We are allowed to take ourselves away from a situation that is exhausting us. Believe it or not, we’re allowed to say: ‘I’m not responsible for this person’s learning’. We’re allowed to do things that are not 100% for the cause (like being Feminists and wearing make up and heels). And that doesn’t make us any less politically conscious. It just makes us humans with feelings, who get tired and emotionally drained.

We need to give ourselves space to be problematic, space to learn how we’re being problematic, and space to learn how not to be problematic. And accept that we all must find a balance between our mental health and our activism because we can’t simply drop off of the face of the earth and live in a parallel, unproblematic dimension.

None of us is perfect. But the least we can do is try to be a little better tomorrow than we were today.

[citrinekay]

Modern setting. They have been together for a long time now but they haven't come out to the bureau. Holden wants to, but Bill is more reticent. It's not the right time, what if something happens to one of us, what if you don't like me anymore? Holden can't convince him but they love each other so that's more important. There's some company dance or gathering (or something) and Bill decides it's time and has the dj play one of Holden's fav songs and takes Holden's hand and they dance and kiss x

wah this is such a great prompt!!! Also, I’ve never done a modern setting with them before so this was fun! Hope you enjoy :) (and here’s the song I picked for them to dance to.)

“Do you think the tie is too much?” Holden asks, fiddling with the knot as he gazes critically at his reflection in the mirror. 

“It’s business casual, Holden.” Bill says, uttering a sigh as he leans back against the headboard of their bed. “Nobody else is going to be wearing a tie.”

Holden groans in frustration and yanks the tie from around his neck. 

Taking a drag of his cigarette, Bill suppresses the urge to not roll his eyes. He’s been dressed for fifteen minutes while Holden is still agonizing over what to wear to their department chief’s retirement party. They have this same conversation anytime they go anywhere together whether it’s dinner or the movies. Holden is wildly indecisive about unimportant things like which t-shirt to wear while being unimpeachably decided about a number of other things. 

“Just wear a polo.” Bill says, motioning to his own navy blue shirt. “It’ll be fine.”

Holden takes off his button up as he goes back to his closet to consult his choices. He drags his fingers across the row of shirts while he contemplates aloud, “I wonder if Wendy is bringing Kay.”

Bill draws in a deep breath as he dusts some non existent lint from his pant leg. There’s a pointed note in Holden’s voice, a question underlying the innocent pondering. A question they’ve been over only about ten times in the past week. Once Holden gets an idea in his head, it’s difficult for him to let go. 

“Probably.” Bill says, “Everyone got a plus one.”

“Including us.” Holden mutters, toying with the sleeve of a black knit sweater. 

Bill smashes his spent cigarette in the tray on the nightstand. “Are we really going to have this argument right now? While we’re trying to get ready to go? You’re gonna make us late.”

“Yeah, then everyone would notice that we’re arriving together.” Holden says, turning around to cast him an unperturbed glare. 

Bill longs for the days when a gruff tone of voice was enough to smother Holden’s simpering. No longer. They’re in a relationship now, and Holden is unbothered by his frustration, well aware that his bark is worse than his bite. 

Not too long ago, he’d been a sergeant in the Army. Where had all his authority gone to? 

Bill swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands with a sigh. “Come on, let’s go. I’m not fighting with you about this right now.”

Holden’s petulant gaze follows him out of the room before cutting back to his closet. 

Ten minutes later he’s dressed in a gray pull-over sweater and black slacks. Bill motions him out the door, checking his watch with a flare of annoyance.  

Holden scrolls through his phone while Bill drives them to Quantico. Pushing aside his frustrations, Bill reaches a tentative hand across the space between them to touch his knee. Holden laces his fingers through Bill’s, but he doesn’t look up from his cell. 

Bill squeezes his fingers around the wheel. He feels like he should apologize for being short, but a flinching part of him hides fiercely behind prickly armor. He’s never outed himself to anyone. While Holden has been out and proud to most of their co-workers since the day they met, Bill has always kept his sexuality a secret. Even after a failed marriage to a woman, it’s difficult for him to look at Holden’s gay friends, a community of proud, loving individuals, without wondering if he’s some kind of fraud. He’d spent the first half of his life trying to live up to antiquated ideals set forth by his family, by the military, by the Bureau, and the idea of identifying to everyone around them that he’s just as gay as Holden and Wendy scares the hell out of him. 

But he can’t tell Holden that. He can’t say aloud that he’s scared more than anything else. The relationship is too new and fragile. What if they made their relationship public, and then realized how incompatible they really are? Bill’s cover would be blown forever, and for what? 

Bill glances across the car at Holden whose face is illuminated by the blue LED of his cellphone screen. For him. 

Holden looks up from his phone. “Wendy just posted on Instagram she’s bringing Kay.”

Bill clenches his jaw. Social media. Yet another affirmation by fire. 

“They’re adorable.” Holden observes, holding out the phone so that Bill can see the photo of Kay kissing Wendy’s cheek while Wendy gazes blissfully into the lens. 

“Yeah.” Bill says, averting his gaze back to the road. 

“You know,” Holden says, after a moment, “Wendy already knows. And probably so does half of the department.”

“What’s your point?” 

“My point is that nobody is judging us.” Holden says, “It’s 2019, Bill. People are getting more progressive, believe it or not. All it would really be is signing the consent form and-”

“I don’t want my relationship to be a matter of FBI record.” Bill says, “Is that too much to ask, Holden? That I don’t want to sign some paper saying we’re sleeping together?” 

“I’m sorry, I don’t see what the big deal is.” Holden says, “It’s just to avoid sexual harassment law suits. It’s just a precaution. It’s not some big declaration of your love for me.”

Silence settles on the car, and Bill disentangles his hand from Holden’s. His fingers are itching for a cigarette, but Holden complains every time he lights up in the car. 

“Okay.” Holden mutters, sounding wounded. “Maybe love was too strong of a word.”

“It isn’t, it’s just-” Bill says, the protest cutting off as his throat knots around the magnitude of honesty. 

Holden’s eyes are glazed blue in the flash of streetlamps speeding past them. His mouth purses softly as realization settles across his expression. For once, he shuts his mouth and turns his gaze back to his cellphone. 

When they reach Quantico, they walk across the crowded parking lot together. Bill checks his watch, noting that they’re five minutes late. 

The party is located in the dining hall where the fully stocked bar is already flowing with a variety of wines and cocktails. Bill makes a beeline for the whiskey while Holden immediately gets pulled into a lively conversation with some of their co-workers about the merits of psychology in horror films. 

Bill sips his whiskey in the corner while Holden mingles. He’s better at these shindigs than Bill, and it’s probably for the best that they mostly keep their distance tonight considering the conversation they just had. 

Bill swallows back his first drink and goes back to the bar for another. His stomach knots as he replays the discussion in his mind, every word marinating in the pit of fear opening up in the back of his mind. Watching Holden’s animated gesticulating from across the dining hall, he suddenly wonders whether or not he’s being ridiculous. Two other men in the discussion with Holden have their arms wrapped around each other. He wants to know what that feels like, holding onto Holden like he’s a prize deserving of being shown off rather than cowering in the corner for fear that someone might judge him. 

“Hey, Bill.” Wendy says, jolting him from his thoughts as she approaches. 

Kay is on her heels, fingers wrapped loosely around Wendy’s. 

“Hey.” Bill says, “How are you?”

“Good.” Wendy says, leaning in to give him a hug. “You look awfully lonesome standing over here by yourself.”

“They’re discussing horror films.” Bill says, motioning at Holden’s group of friends. “I’m not exactly up to par on the subject.”

Wendy chuckles, “Not a horror film junkie? I’m a little surprised.”

“I was in the Army.” Bill says, “I know what real horror looks like. The fake stuff is just … fake.”

Wendy nods, “I see. Still, I’m sure you would have something to contribute.”

Bill narrows his eyes. “You know I’m not a social butterfly, Wendy. Did Holden say something to you?”

Wendy cocks her head to one side curiously. “About what?”

“Never mind.” Bill says, cutting his glance away. 

Half an hour later, the catering service brings out dinner and bottles of champagne. The director makes a speech before wishing everyone a good night. Upbeat pop music thuds over the roar of conversation while the dinner plates are cleared away, and all the party attendees slouch over their cups. 

Bill leans back in his chair while Holden braces his elbows on the table, leaning into the conversation with other agents at their table. Bill watches the back of his head, the curve of his spine, his mouth smiling wildly as the alcohol is quick to get him tipsy. 

Something warm and humming wraps itself around his ribs, smothering whatever withering fear he’d carried into this evening. Maybe it’s the whiskey or the champagne. Maybe it’s the candlelight, and Holden’s hair gleaming like bronze in the low, yellow light. Maybe it’s his joy and radiance, everything about him that had drawn Bill in like a moth to the flame, forcing him to lay down his insecurities at the threshold of their relationship and plunge ahead with nothing but each other to hold onto. Now all that’s standing in the way is Bill’s stubbornness of a piece of goddamn paper. A signature, a declaration - because truly, that’s what it is. 

Across the table, one of the other agents, Jared,  is vividly recounting him and his boyfriend’s weekend escapade at the gay strip club. Holden doubles over the table in laughter as the story gets more and more wild, perhaps embellished a bit. 

“You should come with us next time.” Jared says, “I know you would be a lot of fun.”

“Ah, I don’t know.” Holden says, running anxious fingers through his hair. “I don’t think my boyfriend would like it.”

Bill shifts uncomfortably in his chair, wondering if the rest of the group can see his face getting unbearably hot.

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Jared says. 

“Yeah, um, it’s kind of new.” Holden says, his tone dwindling. “It’s not like … official or whatever.”

 Jared raises his eyebrows. “But he’s already telling you what to do.”

“What, no.” Holden says, sharply. “I’m just being respectful of boundaries.”

“Okay, sure.” Jared says, shrugging. “But you should really come with one of these days. It’s a helluva lot more fun than this party.”

Bill clears his throat. “I’m going to step outside for a cigarette.”

Holden’s gaze cuts sharply over his shoulder, eyes speaking a number of racing questions even as his mouth purses anxiously. 

Bill shoves his chair back, and escapes the stifled atmosphere of the party. Outside, the bassline of the music thuds a distant vibration while the blue sky lapses into melted purples and pinks of sunset. 

Sliding a cigarette to the corner of his mouth, Bill lights up and draws in a deep breath. Nicotine floods his strung-out veins while Holden’s voice echoes in his mind. It’s not official. Well, that makes it sound like some kind of quick and dirty hookup. Bill flinches at the thought. 

He takes his time smoking his cigarette, thinking and vacillating, shivering and pushing aside his fears. 

He has a lot to lose. His pride, for one. His standing as a military veteran. His position as a father trying to co-parent with his ex-wife. His own self-identity. It’s all at stake while Holden, already out to the world, has nothing to lose. 

The only thing they both stand to lose is each other.  The thought strikes him as if it had dropped out of the clear blue sky. 

Dropping his cigarette to the ground, Bill turns and marches back into the dining hall. 

The music has quieted down as couples migrate to the open floor at the middle to slow dance in muted, half-drunk intimacy. Piano notes tinkle across the speakers just before the Penguins begin to croon “Earth Angel.” 

Bill scans the room for Holden, quickly picking him out of the crowd. He shoulders his way past clusters of agents and department heads, muttering apologies in his haste. As he approaches, Holden glances up from his conversation, and their eyes meet from across the room. 

Holden’s wide blue eyes regard him with a faint frustration that quickly melts into hopeful longing when he sees the look on Bill’s face. His mouth slips partially open, tongue running anxiously across his lower lip. 

Bill jolts back into motion. Closing the few yards of distance between them, he shoulders his way into the circle of Holden’s friends. 

“Excuse me.” He mutters, ignoring Jared’s glare of disbelief as he grabs Holden’s hand.

“Bill-” Holden begins, his tone colored with surprise. 

“Can I have this dance?” Bill asks, nodding at the floor where half a dozen other couples are wrapped in warm embraces. 

Holden blinks in shock for a moment before a smile creeps at the corner of his mouth, quickly evolving into a excited grin. 

“Yes.” He says, fingers wrapping around Bill’s. “Yes, you can.”

Grasping tightly on Holden’s hand, Bill leads them away from the group, all of whom are standing still with their mouths open in growing disbelief. As they reach the dance floor, Bill hears one of them break the silence with a shout of encouragement. 

“Are you sure about this?” Holden asks as Bill pulls him around against his chest. 

“No.” Bill says, reaching down to grab Holden’s hand, and bring it up into position. 

“I don’t know how to dance. Do you?”

“It’s slow dancing.” Bill says, tightening his palm against Holden’s lower back. “Here, just lean against me and sway. That’s all there is to it.”

“That’s all there is to it?” Holden echoes, his mouth tipping with mild amusement. 

“Hey, you can gloat later.” Bill says, “Just let me have this.”

“Okay.” Holden says, leaning in closer. 

He nudges his nose hesitantly against Bill’s, asking for yet another boundary to be crossed. 

Ignoring the stares of people around them, Bill leans in to place a chaste kiss against Holden’s questing mouth. 

Holden closes his eyes, humming a sigh of relief. 

Bill chuckles a small, choked laugh. He buries his face in Holden’s neck, hiding the sting of tears in his eyes. Holden’s body leans into him, so close that he can feel the beats of their hearts connecting. The music swells over the speakers: Earth angel, earth angel. I’m just a fool in love. In this moment, Bill doesn’t care whether he looks like a fool or not - to himself, to their co-workers, hell even their bosses. Maybe he’ll wake up tomorrow still afraid of what signing some silly relationship disclosure form means, but for tonight, this dance is declaration enough.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Fifty-Seven

As I fell, I couldn’t help but smiled. Not at first, but after the initial shock of falling passed, I was really able to take in the moment.

Those two really are the real deal.

It was just as Dr. Michelangelo had said (yes, I was listening in). Their love was at a level I could not comprehend, a power so great that, gah! Yes! That was it! The oft rumored ‘power of love’! I’ve heard of such things!

While my love was for art itself (not that women weren’t beautiful, though I was more interested in the aesthetic beauty than any kind of emotional evocation. So long as I could paint a beautiful picture, that was all the love I needed), theirs was unparalleled!

Thud!

I hit the floor as if I were a blot of ink and a pile of popsicle sticks were the canvas. Pain meant little to me. After all, what was art, if not pain?

No. There was no need to answer that. Instead, I allowed my ears to absorb the surroundings; Every little fixture, movement, heartbeat. Two bodies (the gay baby jail had been moved off the stage, as it was no longer needed), two muses. Two little pieces of inspiration that would provide me the answers to any question related to art and pain. All I needed to do was listen.

All I could think about was how weak I had been to fall into such a trap like that. That I couldn’t figure out a way out, and that I even gave in to the delusion. Even after I woke up, the effects continued to linger, if only a little.

“Yes! We got her!” Coriander cheered. She sounded triumphant, as we watched Dr. Lynch...and whatever other names she might have had, fall, along with her tower of popsicle sticks.

“Good job!” I managed to reply. Despite the blurred vision, if nothing else, I could tell from the vibes that we were victorious. No, not we. She was. “That was badass!”

She looked back at me. “It was?”

Why do you sound surprised? You’ve always been cool.

I laughed. “I don’t know! But if people can call me that, I don’t see why you can’t be!”

“Was I admirable, too?”

Of course. You’re getting better all the time.

I nodded, then started to lose my balance.

“Velvet, are you okay?!”

I watched as my arms swung around, as if I weren’t the one doing the swinging. As I managed to stand back up, I grinned, folded my arms over my hips, and looked her way. “Of course! What, are you worried about me or something?”

She looked away. “Are you going to hold it against me if I say yes?”

Oh my god. So cute.

“Yes! In fact, I will! Every chance I get!” I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. But then I shook my head. “Sorry, I got a little carried away. We’ve got more pressing matters to deal with.”

Coriander nodded; one moment, we stood next to each other, triumphant. Then, I blinked, and it must have been the longest blink ever, as between those few seconds, she had sprinted toward the mad artist and pinned her to the floor. There seemed to be a passion to the way she was positioned on top of her. Or maybe it was just my thoughts drifting elsewhere.

God, I wish that was me.

No, that passion was anger. Pure, unfiltered rage.

“I’ll kill you!” Coriander screeched. “How dare you?! Huh?” Coriander tightened her grip. I watched her let go, only to reach for Dr. Lynch’s throat instead. That snapped me out of my trance.

I got over there and pulled Coriander away. It was a much heavier task than I thought it would be. She kicked and thrashed about and I heard her seethe.

“What are you doing, Velvet?” She struggled to break free. “She tried to kill you! To kill us! Let me at her!” Then, the one on the floor started to cough.

“H-Harder…” Dr. Whoever wheezed.

Coriander groaned. “You know what. I suddenly feel gross.” I let go of her. “But seriously, why Velvet? This person is our enemy! We should kill her! She’s not good after all, she’s not going to help us, she’s just going to keep trying to get us killed!”

“I know, but we need to stay calm if we have any chance of getting through this. Besides,” I rubbed my forehead. “I still don’t feel very well. I’m not Peak Velvet right now.”

Like it or not, my current state was NOT what Peak Velvet looked like.

Through awkward motions, I stroked her hair. After a few expended sighs, she calmed down.

“At least tell me where my backpack is,” she growled.

“Tell us if there’s a way out of here, too,” I added.

As if she would know. If she had, she wouldn’t be in there, would she? “Backpack, no. Way out, yes,” wheezed the art hoe.

“What?! You took it from me and here you are, defeated, and you can’t give it back! I ought to kill you, I don’t care! I ought to beat you senseless!” Well, that didn’t last long. At least I managed to calm her down, for, what? A minute at most?

Dr. Lynch/Dr. Bob Ross leaned up and smiled with the same kind of smirk that I would give Coriander when I wanted her to ravish me.

“My back hurts…” She winced, then went back to giving such a sly, evil look. I noticed that she was holding up a device in her hand. “You broke the button that would’ve been able to give it back when you threw that gun at my popsicle stick tower. Shame, too, all that hard work to build such a magnificent sculpture,” she shook her head, as if it was some fucking tragedy. “Ah, but that’s the beauty of art. You can put your all into your work and watch it get easily destroyed.”

“All it takes is a click or two to delete an important document,” I found myself sympathizing.

“See, you get it!” Popsigirl beamed. “Ah, right! An exit! Look behind me!”

Both Coriander and I looked past the defeated intern. There was a tunnel, which we had failed to notice before.

“I didn’t realize until I was done building my popsicle stick tower, but it ended up blocking the exit.”

“Wait. If there’s a way out, why are you stuck in here?”

No, better question: Why am I trying to apply logic to this equation? For that matter, I’m now expecting her to say “I’m not stuck in here with you, you’re stuck in here with me”. Great.

“At the end of the tunnel is a door. Need a code, and I don’t know it.”

Oh, then that’s perfect for me!

“Let’s go, spiced Kimchi,” I turned to Coriander.

“Fine, but let me at least grab the gun,” Coriander scrambled.

As I walked toward the tunnel, I turned my attention to the mad artist.

“By the way, if you come after us, if you try anything to hurt her in any way, I swear, I won’t be as forgiving,” as sincere as my threat was, I felt like I was about to pass out again at any moment. So I felt like I had to add, “it doesn’t matter how little energy I might have – if you try anything, I will end you.”

In response, all I got from her was a thumbs up.

Oh well, I’ll take it.

With that, my seasoned companion and I departed through the tunnel.

Names can be difficult, can’t they? Can’t just stick with one, especially if it doesn’t fit for all situations. As my dad would say, “a different name for each learned medium”. Then, with all the media art could encompass, I could have a near-infinite amount of names. But life didn’t work that way, not really. For us humans, we are every bit a piece as any other. Our lifespans cannot accommodate for a near-infinite amount of names.

That was okay with me. Names have their meaning, but some believe if a word is repeated enough, it starts to lose its meaning. So, with that in mind, why was “love” the subject of many a work of art. Hell, it was even a subject in my inner monologue!

There was little I could do at the moment, what with my bad back. It was the worst feeling one can have when the desire to create was overpowered by the inability to do anything. I was left to stew in my thoughts. Such a thing was never good. Over time, left alone, like a painting, thoughts take on a life of their own.

What else could I do? Those thoughts of mine turned to the past. Specifically, back at Flashbulb University.

Most days in the cafeteria was spent studying the various students/interns/human shields/aspiring corporate slaves (take your pick of titles, they all meant the same). Their beauty was something I sought to capture more and more of. Not just their features, but ways in which their deepest selves could be translated into ink.

Dr. O’Keefe and Dr. Pollack approached me with a glow and vigor that I needed time to capture. If I could get them to stand still for just a few minutes…

“I have the biggest crush on you!” Dr. O’Keefe announced, as if it were any surprise; I knew how those two eyed me. I looked up.

“Can you hold that pose?” I got out a wood block. Work was about to commence.

“I have an even bigger crush on you!” Dr. Pollack leaned in. He had a face full of acne in such an intricate way that I just wanted to connect the dots. Perhaps it would have made a shape…

“Quite the dynamic. If I could make a suggestion, Dr. Pollack, you should stand in the background with an angry expression on your face while Dr. O’Keefe, you should lean in and hold out your hand as if you were holding a rose. Then, I will turn my head away, and deny the both of you.”

The two of them gasped. I predicted which would speak up first…

“Why couldn’t you just reject us outright?” Dr. O’Keefe was the first to speak. Just as I predicted.

“Because, it’s all about the art of rejection.”

“Also, I thought you said you had an appreciation for the female form!”

I nodded. “That is true.”

“But wait! I thought you said you preferred the abstract!” Dr. Pollack argued. “So that means me, right?”

That was my cue. I erased the image of a cafeteria in my mind and replaced it with a stage, which I proceeded to take to as I got up and placed my hand over my chest. My eyes closed, my head up, so began my (external) monologue:

“For so long now, the two of you had been holding in such feelings, while I, feigning ignorance, took to my paintings. But now you come to me, wishing to know the answer. Do I like you, or you? The truth, I love the art, not the artist. For that reason, we are incompatible.”

“But why?” Dr. O’Keefe seemed confused. How unfortunate. I thought I couldn’t be any more clear. “Don’t you like women?”

“Aesthetically.”

“But don’t you like contrast more?” Dr. Pollack argued.

“Ah, I see what this is,” I paced. They wanted me to educate them. “Attraction does not mean interest. You would do well to know that. For the record, on the subject of sexuality, I am a cubist.”

Each of them nodded. It seemed they finally understood. However, my monologue was left unfinished. That needed to be corrected.

“O’Keefe, I love your paintings of flowers that resemble...begonias. As for you, Pollack, I just adore the way your paint seems to lack any sort of structure, as if you just threw some against a canvas. But, as people, I find you two uninteresting.”

“Um,” Dr. O’Keefe spoke up. “You do realize we’re not actually Georgia O’Keefe and Jackson Pollack, right?”

I blinked. I should have known that, but…

“You aren’t?!”

They shook their heads in unison. “Most of us here aren’t even famous artists. You’re an exception.”

For lack of another expression, I too shook my head.

“No, being famous means nothing. Long after the artist dies, the art will remain.”

Yes, that was the whole reason for the recollection: those two, the ones who expressed such strong love, Velvet and Coriander. Neither fame nor infamy interested me, but the act of artistic expression itself. That was why I lived. To that end, I wouldn’t mind dying in order to create something beautiful.

We had been walking through the tunnel for some time, but at last, I couldn’t take it. I dropped to the floor.

“Velvet!” My beloved cried out.

My beloved...who would have thought? But then, even with all the teasing, it doesn’t feel bad to think of her that way.

“I’m fine. I just need to rest a bit,” it sounded more like I was trying to reassure myself than her. For whatever reason, I felt about ready to break down. Maybe that was what I needed. Maybe then I would wake up and be back to my old self.

“Okay, but we should hurry. What if she shows up again?”

Shit. That was something I didn’t want to consider.

“Then I’ll...I’ll think of something. I’ll figure something out. I always do, don’t I?”

“Right,” she replied, not sounding any more assured than me.

“You sound worried,” I pointed out.

“What? Me? Worried? Why?” I heard her slunk down next to me. “Maybe it was because when that weirdo had us separated, I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it out of there. I shouldn’t have had any doubts, because you’re you, so sorry about that.”

Hearing that made me tighten my hands into fists and I found myself lowering my head.

“No…” I muttered. “I don’t think I would have made it out of there if not for you.” I really was glad for that, but at the same time, it hurt. “I’m sorry.”

“What? Sorry about what?”

“You were right. I shouldn’t have trusted that person. We should have left then and there. Found another way.”

“Yes, well…”

“Also,” I continued. “You were right all those times you said we needed a plan. I thought that something would come last minute and it would all fall into place, and technically, that happened, but even still...I don’t know what I’m doing. I act like I’m so bold, but I’m a nervous wreck.”

She snapped her fingers in front of me. “Hey. Hey. We did what we could with the information we had. It’s just one of those things that no matter how much we could have prepared, we might not have known what to expect. But you know what? You’re doing great.”

That should have been the rousing speech I needed.

“Jeez, I feel like I’m the Velvet in this situation,” she groaned. Then, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

“What?!” I kept laughing.

“Well, it’s weird cause aren’t you the tough and mature one or something? I think I’ve had to encourage you twice now. Not that I’m counting.”

The laughing fits wouldn’t stop. I slapped my knee.

“I need encouragement sometimes too, you know?”

Despite the dim lighting of the tunnel, I could see her face go red. She must have noticed as well, as she turned away.

“Well, I’m not saying I don’t like it. In fact, I think it’s cool that I can be there for you.”

Right. That was probably why that woman separated us, trapped us in her little boxes.

“Verse was right, too…”

Her words echoed, the ones she spoke when she was trying to convince me against going.

They would rather experiment on you or torture you than kill you.

“What do you mean?” Coriander leaned forward.

“If this is just what one member is like, then just imagine fighting a whole organization of folks like that. Can we really handle it?”

Silence tore into me. That dream, hallucination, movie, whatever you wanted to call it started to linger on my mind as well. How it started off so fun, but then at the end…

How long has it been since I thought of ‘her’? No, more than that, ‘she’ said that I was still my old timid self.

It all stung. To be reminded of such things. Not only that, but to have such a drop in confidence that I couldn’t seem to shake. The culmination of it all formed into little beads of salt.

Those soon went away. I felt Coriander’s soft hand brush across my face.

“What are you doing?”

“Beats me! I just couldn’t think of what else to do!”

There she went again, able to bring a chuckle out of me, and she probably didn’t even mean to. In response, I held her hand.

“Thank you.”

Again with the blush. She let go and looked away. “I just didn’t like that funk you were in. That’s all.”

I picked myself up and stretched. I even grinned for good measure. She got up as well.

“So? Feeling better?”

“Hell to the yeah. I’m ready to kick some bubblegum!”

“Jeez,” she grimaced. “Just how old is that reference?”

I shook my head. “Never mind that, let’s keep going.”

That’s right: all I have to do is put on a face. Sure, she can usually tell when I’m lying, but so what? I don’t need to have all my energy back. It doesn’t matter how confident I am. All that matters is that I act. Act in every sense of the word

Drafts swept below, which intensified into a gust, and what descended were a pair of what looked like life-sized marionette dolls with those old Victorian Gothic dresses. They shimmied about and threw themselves at the two of us. I tried to brush the one that had flung against me aside only to find the thing heavier than I expected.

Then I’ll just have to rush it…

I rammed myself into the figures, elbow out and all, and knocked them to the floor. Coriander, meanwhile, bashed the doll over the head with the gun.

“What in the fuck?” I mouthed the words. I still felt dizzy, but I knew that I would do whatever I could to carry on. As I looked down on the floor, I noticed that they weren’t dolls. Not quite. Once I looked back up and saw who stood ahead of us, I had my answer.

How did she get ahead of us so fast? I couldn’t help but wonder, even if it may not have done me much good to wonder such things.

“You!” Coriander shouted. “Strike three! You’re out!” She opened fire, but a group of dolls appeared out from the walls and took all the hits instead.

“Wa! Ha! Ha!” Cackled the oh-so-evil resident artist.

“Didn’t I tell you? If you try anything, I will kill you,” I growled. “So if you want my advice, stand aside.”

Instead, she just gave another laugh. “Wa! Ha! Ha! I don’t mind that one bit! Don’t you know the quote? ‘Find what you love and let it kill you’! But please, call me Dr. Geppetto. I like to make dolls as a hobby, you see.”

“Yes,” I glanced down. “I see. What’s with these? Why do they lack faces?”

“They’re manikins! Pure, unfiltered wood! Bendable! Over a hundred possible poses! Perfect reference material! Just like the two of you!”

“The only reference material you need is a therapist!” Coriander shot back.

I think all of us could use one of those…

“I could provide that for you!” Dr. Geppetto sounded much more self-assured than she had any right to be. “Artistic therapy!”

Gag commencing in 3...2...nope, never mind. It didn’t happen. False alarm. Oh well, I kinda expected that kind of thing from Dr. Artist. What I didn’t expect was to be grabbed from behind by one of her manikin dolls.

“Velvet!” Coriander cried out.

“Not this time!” I said, without a shred of certainty. But nonetheless, at first I struggled to break free, but then I realized that was pointless. So instead, I leaned back and flipped the doll over, bringing us both to the floor. As the doll collapsed, I got up.

Amidst the struggle, I failed to notice a wall erect from the floor, separating Coriander and I from each other.

I pounded my fists against the wall, to no avail.

Damn it! Her plan must not have been to capture me; she knew I could and would break free. No, she just wanted to create some distance between us.

Please don’t let there be any more poison gas. No more dreams.

“Sorry, Ms. Fabric! You should have known it wouldn’t be that easy! You’re in the headquarters of The Flashbulb, for crying out loud! You’re in the belly of the whale!”

Yeah, she was right, but I wished that she wasn’t. It really would have helped if she was genuine about helping us.

I kicked the wall.

“Yeah, it’s my own fault! But I thought things would be better than this!”

“We’ll figure something out, right Velvet?” Coriander called to me from the other end.

I nodded. “Right. But until then, you have my permission to bust her up.” I growled those words. Never did I think I’d hate such an experience as I did.

Popsigirl (no matter what name she used, all I could see was ‘Popsigirl’) started to run off as soon as I cracked my knuckles. She must’ve known I meant business.

“That’s right! Run!” I chased after her.

Don’t lose your head. She’s already proved she’s willing to throw traps at us, even now.

In spite of that reminder, I figured that as long as I had that gun, it wouldn’t matter. No, that wasn’t right. Thing was heavy and it wasn’t like I should’ve expected to carry it forever. So as soon as I lost sight of her, I started walking. There weren’t many places she could go, so again, I figured I’d run into her sooner or later.

Even when that time comes, keep your eyes peeled. You have no idea what she’ll do.

My self pep talk was all I had at the moment. Velvet suffered a blow of confidence, but I still couldn’t help but think of her as the greater one. She could hack things, and she was also physically tough. Me, on the other hand, I was good with assembling hardware, but I wasn’t that great on the physical side.

“Let’s see...first I’m going to get my laser backpack back, then I’m going to reunite with Velvet, then we’ll kick ass,” I started listing off the agenda on my fingers. Then, when I looked up, I saw it: the door to the exit.

But if I’m already here, then where would Popsigirl be?

My answer must have lied with the door on my right. It said ‘art supply room’ on it.

Bingo.

I made my way through the door.

Be cautious. She’s probably watching you. She wants you to come in here.

The room was much less dark than the tunnel had been. It blinded me to the point that I had to cover my eyes with my arm just to carry on.

“Come on out! No more games!” I shouted.

“Please, I’m just a humble dollmaker!” Dr. Geppetto’s voice called back. “Making dolls is my hobby! I’d be happy to make you one!”

I ground my teeth. That word…

No. It’s just one word. Nothing to be bothered about.

“Stop that! Just give me my backpack and I promise not to use it on you!”

“I’d be happy to!”

My heart jumped. It felt like the air was about to be sucked out from me.

“S...Stop!” I huffed.

Just a few steps forward, I bumped into something. I uncovered my face to find a tall doll, hung from the ceiling by a string around the doll’s neck.

This one looks different. It’s not a manikin…

I pushed past it, only to be met by more. They must have been stuffed dolls. Like, five foot tall Raggedy Anne dolls or something. As I brushed past more, I noticed their faces. Yes, they had faces: freckles, short blue hair, and a backwards cap. It was me.

“What the hell?” I whispered.

I pushed them aside. “What kind of sick joke is this?!” I yelled.

More than that, where did she find the time to make these?

No more of those life-sized dolls were to be found, but in its place was an endless expanse of shelves on both sides of me, each with porcelain dolls sitting on them. I glanced on either side. Both sides were identical dolls, but on one side, they each had long, red hair with some kind of form-fitting outfit. On the other, short blue hair and casual clothes.

“Which face would you prefer?” Dr. Geppetto’s voice entered once more, though she was nowhere to be found.

I’m not going to answer. I’m just going to move forward.

As I took my next step, the doll’s faces turned to face me, then, their mouths opened and music played out.

“Me and you, and you and me, no matter how they tossed the dice, it had to be. The only one for me is you, and you for me, so happy together…”

Why that song?

“So happy together...so happy together…”

“Stop that,” I groaned.

Instead, the volume grew louder, as those three words looped.

“Stop...stop…” I tried to keep forward and cover my ears, but I could feel its intensity. The dolls around me, their faces. It was like they were drawing closer.

Get it together. Together. So...together.

I ran. I thought I could escape the sound and their faces, but it persisted. Then, I bumped into more of those life-sized dolls with my image and they stared down at me. I fell over. I tried to get up, but my arms shook. The intensity of those three words being sung kept me from getting back up. No, not three words. Just one.

“Stop!” I yelled. “STOP!”

Tears filled my face. I found myself crouched on the ground. I felt like I was about to lose my breath and pass out, but it didn’t happen.

“What’s the matter? You went from acting all tough to getting like this,” Dr. Geppetto’s voice broke through. That’s when I realized that the music had stopped.

“You!” I tried to grab onto her leg. I’d squeeze so hard that it would break her bone and make her lose circulation. But that didn’t happen. I couldn’t see her well. Everything was a blur.

“Wa! Ha! Ha! You can’t even reach me right now!”

“Why are you doing this?” I wheezed. It was the best I could muster.

“Doing what? I’m just doing what makes me happy! You’re the one on the floor.”

Again. It had to be deliberate.

“Do you know?” I asked while wincing.

“I would like to hear about it. It doesn’t make me very happy seeing you like this.”

“There was an incident...months ago…” I tried to explain. I didn’t even know why I bothered. “I was on the verge of death...my resentment...I thought the only thing that would make things better…no, I didn’t think that. It wasn’t me. I lost control.”

That memory. I didn’t want it to resurface. But all those forced images, I couldn’t block them out, either.

“It wasn’t you? Why wouldn’t it be? She took the life you knew from you. One where you were comfortable. Then, even though she was an enemy, she was all anyone around you would talk about. How great she was with technology. How she was able to break in, and out, of the most impenetrable places. Of course you would both admire and resent her. Then, when pushed to such a place, wouldn’t it be natural to want to steal her face and take it as your own, as that was the face of the one who got all the recognition from your peers? Despite working so hard, it wasn’t you who got the recognition, it was the enemy.”

“SHUT UP!” My voice shook. I shook. I didn’t want to think about those things anymore. “That wasn’t true. I never wanted to feel those things! I was made to feel them! And I lost control because…”

“Because you were cloned several times with the angel in you and conditioned to think that way, yes, I know.”

I knew it. She’s doing this on purpose.

“How?”

She paced about the room. In her hand was a stick, as if she were a conductor.

“Then, with all that concentrated amounts of that entity within you, it was only a matter of time before you overloaded. All it took was enough bad experiences to really twist you up. Your body wanted you happy, and you weren’t having a very happy time.”

“Use some other word…”

“But saying it makes me so happy!” She laughed again. “But enough with that. I saw your profile. Saw footage of what went down. That’s when I knew what I’d do with you. What really strikes me is that the whole thing wasn’t planned that way. Yes, you were conditioned, but so was most the rest of the world. Everyone was supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows, but instead, it all grew to be too much and now your Earth is having a breakdown of its now. None of that was planned, but doesn’t that make it more beautiful? When things just fall into place like that?”

I gave no answer.

“But it must be so hard for you: finding out you were a copy in a series of copies. Unsure of who the ‘real’ you is.”

She knows. She knows and she’s toying with me.

“Well, I’m here to tell you,” she continued. “I don’t think it matters who the original was! Who cares if you’re a copy of a copy of a copy? Maybe it feels as if your existence was a mistake, but I don’t think there are any mistakes! I think you’re a happy accident!”

I growled and tried to swipe at her, but she skipped over my hand.

“Whoa there, mighty lion. I’m just trying to help you. I think you’d be very happy, happy, happy, happy, with my help.”

“Stop.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m an artist. If there’s anything I hate, it’s counterfeits. That’s why I don’t like children, is because they’re just copies of their parents. But then again, there’s something beautiful about copies, don’t you think? The way they try to replicate the original, yet you can tell there’s something just a little bit off. Hell, my mustache is a fake,” she ripped it off. As if I really thought it was real to begin with. “Then there’s you…”

She took her stick and whacked my hand with it. I cried out.

“Yes,” she continued as I felt the sting and seethed. “You really took on a life of your own, didn’t you? So that’s why I say don’t worry about it!”

“You’re sick,” I muttered.

“I am? Sure, I’ve swallowed paint before, but it was the non-toxic kind. Plus, last time I visited the Medical Department they said I was healthy. Though hard to say when that was, seeing as time doesn’t really serve much of a function in this place. All I know that they haven’t let me see anyone in a long time. Ah, but that’s art for you. Sometimes you just need your space to let out your creativity.”

“That’s not what I mean by sick,” I scoffed. With emphasis on ‘coffed’. I felt like I was about to hack my lungs out. Maybe it was me who was sick. “Art isn’t everything.”

“Wrong!” She hit me again. It should have been so easy to avoid. I cried out, and she continued to pace as if it were nothing. “There is art in everything. Sun Tzu, The Art of War. Peace itself is an art, as it needs a certain degree of creativity to achieve. Literature is an art. Religion itself is an art, as you need a basis for belief, you need to create a set of rules to abide by, a mythology. Same goes for society. Ah, yes, and what do we live in? A society. Thus, we live in art. Art lives in us, as well. It takes the act of creation to create us, after all.”

She continued her spiel, with or without my involvement.

“Art is the absolute, but it also goes beyond the absolute to the possible and impossible. There are those who think that math and art are incompatible, as they use different parts of the brain, but wrong! Math is an art! It is the creation of numbers that we are able to formulate. Geometric figures factor into both art and mathematics. maps, statistics, perspective. All a necessity.”

“Why are you even obsessed with art? I thought you guys were all scientists,” I found the words escape me.

“Because: art is a math, art is a religion, art is how we communicate, but what is art? Art is a science!”

“Oh, you’re a real work of art all right...”

I struggled, but managed to pick myself up. I lunged at her. She jumped out of the way, then hit me across the back. I fell against a shelve of dolls, which knocked over and fell on me.

“Ow…”

She walked over, lifted my head up, and leaned in.

“This makes me happy. That you still have some bite.”

She pointed her stick up as a screen descended. “Ten-hut, soldier. Here’s an educational video.”

The video on the screen played: there I was, but it wasn’t me. It was me from a past life. Many past lives, if I had to guess. The original “Mavis”, or whoever her name might have been instead.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe in the actual Area 51! This is a dream!”

Sgt. Michaels stood by. I half-expected him to comment on his mustache, but instead, he announced: “you were selected from a pool of candidates to fulfill a certain task.”

“Ooh! What task?” It was odd seeing “me” so excited about something.

“Just the other day, someone broke in and stole a ship. This kind of thing is unheard of. Now, regardless of if she ever shows up again, we need intel on her so we can find her and kill her. We can’t have her leaking the stuff she’s seen to the public, and we must recover that ship.”

“Ugh, so no aliens?”

“No. This is an air force base.”

“Suuuuure. I bet you tell everyone that. So where are they? Downstairs?”

He didn’t look amused. Instead, he shoved a folder into “my” hands.

“This is all the intel we have on her. She posed as a soldier and went by the alias Pvt. Jo-Ann. Perhaps that’s some kind of clue.”

“I” burst out laughing. “You know she only used that name because yours is Michaels, right? She probably figured ‘one craft store reference for another’ or some shit like that. Jeez, that’s hardly a clue at all!”

Again, he did not look amused. “Just get to word, cadet,” he said.

The next scene, “I” was in “my” little room, watching security feed on several monitors and complaining about my predicament.

“Man, when they told me I’d be stationed here, I thought I’d get to see aliens, but instead they have me looking up information on this person who probably has no intention showing up here again and doesn’t even really matter in the long run. Like, I’m a typist. I can invent gadgets. But instead here I am doing useless tasks.”

The original me slumped over her desk and complained further. “How am I supposed to pick up cute girls when I leave if I never see any aliens?”

“Mavis, report your findings!” The commanding voice of Sgt. Michaels came in through the speakers of one of the monitors.

“Yeah, uh...so this ‘Jo-Ann’ person matches the same face and voice of someone who was in the CIA who went by the name ‘Velvet’, last name redacted. I should probably clarify that it said redacted in brackets, not that that was her actual last name.”

“We know what redacted means, Mavis.”

“Right. So, anyway, this ‘Velvet’ person totally just leaked some documents then bailed. Kind of a ballsy move, if we’re being honest here. Not to mention, she’s this totally cool hacker apparently and I mean, she stole a ship from here for crying out loud! That takes guts.”

“She’s an enemy of the state!”

“Which state, though? Nevada? I’m guessing this one because that’s where we’re at, but maybe she’s an enemy of Colorado? I don’t know.”

“The United States! How are you this smart, yet this dense?”

“I don’t know! Quit patronizing me!”

“Is that all you have to report?”

“Yeah. That’s all. Nothing else.”

The chat ended, and the original Mavis let out a deep sigh. “Jeez, Velvet. Why’d you have to give these guys so much grief? You’re so cool, but I guess I shouldn’t say that out loud.”

“Huh? Did you say ‘Velvet’?” A voice I didn’t recognize came in.

“Who’s there?” That Mavis demanded. “I’ve got lasers, so you better not try anything.”

Someone dropped down from the ceiling. After she stood up and dusted off her pants, I noticed: she had purple hair and wore a tuxedo paired with corduroy pants.

The lasers which normally lay dormant propped up above the monitors turned their attention to the mystery woman.

“Identify yourself.”

“Relax, I work here. Name’s Violet.”

My eyes widened as I heard that name. The same story Velvet had told me before. I was led to believe that Velvet and Violet were the same person. But that couldn’t be. There was a time where I suspected the original me might have been Violet, but no. That wasn’t it.

“How do I know you didn’t just sneak in here?”

She reached into her pocket and showed a badge. “Anyway, not like it’ll mean anything. I’m leaving this place.”

“You mean you’re resigning?”

She shook her head. “More like going MIA. But first, what was this about a ‘Velvet’ person?”

I turned away. “That’s classified information.”

“Fine enough. I just thought it was interesting because I used to date someone named Velvet back in high school. Probably not the same person, though.”

“Red head? Lanky arms?”

“Hmm...too vague. Do you got a picture.”

If it were me, I’d have found that suspicious, but then again, that person technically was me. Or someone I was based on. I watched as that Mavis handed Violet a picture.

“No way…” Violet mouthed. “That’s her all right. Why so interested, anyway?”

“Not me. Michaels. Apparently this ‘Velvet’ person broke in and stole a ship. Now everyone’s freaking out.”

“Wow. That doesn’t sound like her at all. Sounds more like something I would’ve done, actually. Or used to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, I used to break into buildings and stuff just for fun. Or run off places. I was a bit of a free spirit. Velvet on the other hand was more of the opposite: reserved, liked to hide herself away. Never could quite understand how I could just do such risky things. Still, I guess people change, huh?”

She put her hand on her chin. “Actually...now that I think of it, maybe she went looking for me.” She let out a bit of a laugh. “Funny thought, but if I recall, it was her first relationship and she was pretty nervous, but she seemed more serious about it than I did. I tried to warn her that I’d run off sooner or later, but she was so convinced that we’d stay together.”

“Ugh. First I don’t get to see aliens, now I have to listen to relationship drama. Not what I signed up for. Sheesh, Velvet, you sure have been pain in the ass.”

Hey! Watch it! That’s your future girlfriend you’re talking about, past me! I mean, you’re not wrong, she is a pain in the ass, but still!

“Well, if she was looking for me, guess she didn’t find me. Neither of us knew the other was there. Maybe she thinks I’m dead. If she doesn’t, maybe she should.”

“Why do you say that?”

“For starters, she probably wouldn’t like what I’ve become. I mean, joining the military? Really?”

“Well, she joined the CIA, so not like she’d have much room to judge.”

“Ha. That’s a good one. Anyway, I’d rather be thought of as a ghost than a recyclable corpse.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Trust me, you don’t wanna stick around. I’ve seen some things that you don’t wanna be a part of. You want my advice? Try to break out as well.”

“Hey!” That Mavis pointed at Violet. “You’re just trying to make me paranoid. Well, it won’t work. I’m making lots of money here and I ain’t about to throw that away.”

“What good is such a promise if you aren’t ever allowed to leave? You can never spend it, either. It’s just something to hang over your head.”

Mavis gave no reply to that. She sat in silence until she finally said one word: “Go.”

“What?” Violet looked taken aback. “You’re not going to kill me?”

“I don’t have anything to do with you.”

The clip ended there and the screen faded to black.

Dr. Geppetto let go of me and I fell onto the floor. Not only that, I was still trying to process what I saw.

“So, you see, that was the original ‘you’. If that’s how you wish to see it. Furthermore, you were not Violet, as you may have believed, and yes, Violet existed, and we knew she escaped. As for what happened to her...not important. This is about you.”

“All you’ve been doing is breaking Velvet and I down.”

“Yes! I’m helping you two realize your potential! Sometimes you must break your work to see it come to fruition. You know the saying, ‘kill your darlings’.”

“What is your end goal with this? Huh?”

She waved her stick around, as if it were a magic wand. “Simple: I want to recreate that scene. The one where you broke down and wanted to rip Velvet’s face off.”

I shook. I didn’t want to remember that moment. I wanted to block it completely from my memory.

“...That...won’t work,” I managed to say.

“Oh?” She sounded surprised.

“I’m free of that creature. It won’t happen that way. So all you’re doing is torture.”

“That’s okay! We can improvise!”

I gasped and yelled out in pain; hooks attached themselves to the skin of my arms and dug in. Attached to the hooks were strings.

“Now, while we’ve been having this nice little chat, I’ve set up an obstacle course to keep your little friend Velvet busy. So don’t worry, she’ll be totally exhausted by the time you two meet up again, so feel free to go all out!”

I had nothing more to say. No rebuttal. It wasn’t as if I was about to go along with her plan, and yet it felt like I already had. Both Velvet and I fell into her trap. Not once, but twice.

“Don’t get me wrong. I am helping you. But in order for you to become real, first I must make you a puppet.”

There was no way that things would play out the same as before, but she didn’t seem like the type who could be reasoned with. I considered a sort of prayer, to myself and myself only.

Please, Velvet. Hang in there.

Then I closed my eyes.

[pengiesama]

Dies Caniculares (Fic, Mikleo/Sorey, Fantasy/God AU) (Chapter 1/6)

Title: Dies Caniculares (Chapter 1/6) Series: Tales of Zestiria Pairing: Mikleo/Sorey

Summary: Mikleo dreams of travelling the world, having exciting adventures like his uncle. Unfortunately, he lives a pretty boring life in the tiny mountain village of Camlann. If he's not working at his family's temple, he's having to deal with his mother's constant attempts to match-make him to every eligible girl in town.

He also happens to be best friends with a god. That god happens to be a dog, who happens to be able to turn into a frustratingly handsome young man. Complications, as they do, inevitably crop up.

CHAPTER ONE:

Mikleo gets dumped, gets his snacks stolen, and isn't allowed to get drunk -- but it's still a pretty good day regardless.

(CONTENT WARNING: shapeshifting, eventual mpreg.)

Link: AO3

This is a collaboration between me and @sensenaoya! I'm honored to be allowed to write for their wonderful AU, and even more honored to have their lovely art illustrating it!

Please heed all content warnings!

Check out my commission info here.

Read on Tumblr!

“We need to talk,” Himeko said gravely.

Mikleo gave a pained smile over the rim of his teacup, and lightly set it back down on its saucer.

“Of course,” he said. “What’s on your mind?”

Himeko took a deep breath, and launched into a screed that Mikleo had heard few dozen times before – in different voices, and with different finer details, but with the same overarching message.

Mikleo was twenty-four years old, and had earned something of a reputation in town and the surrounding villages. This reputation was not entirely undeserved, when looking at the hard facts: he’d dated and broken the hearts of roughly sixty-three percent of the eligible female population in a fifty-mile radius. However, Mikleo wasn’t a heartbreaker by choice. His mother was dead set on chaining him to the village by any means necessary, and “You Need to Settle Down and Start a Family” was her current weapon of choice; when “You Need to Honor Our Family’s Duty and Tend to the Temple” had failed to inspire piety. The thing was, Mikleo also had no interest in settling down and absolutely no interest in children, so Muse had elected to force him on dates with every unmarried woman that she passingly caught the name of. She was a one-woman matchmaking service, and it was quite impressive in its own way. Though Mikleo did wonder how she managed to keep up with the temple’s day-to-day needs while taking on this little side gig of hers.

(Idly, as Himeko went on and on, Mikleo wondered how it would go if he brought up that point during his and his mother’s next fight. It would probably go very badly.)

Although Muse’s zeal for matchmaking was abundant, the quality of the matches...left something to be desired. Not a single one of these little relationships had lasted longer than a few weeks, and most of them crashed and burned quite spectacularly. (Usually the “burning” wasn’t literal; one memorable breakup notwithstanding.) Mikleo knew that he wasn’t a good fit for these girls – they wanted a quiet little life in the village and somewhere between two and a dozen children, and he wanted nothing more than to leave this town and travel the world with his uncle. Their life goals were simply incompatible, and even when it came to the finer details of shared hobbies and interests, kindred passions...well, there simply weren’t any. Mikleo could only think of one other person other than his uncle who shared his passion for history, and he—

“—honestly, from the rumors going around about you, I thought you’d be more – you know, more pushy, more of a scoundrel! Ravishing me against walls and over tables! But you’re more affectionate with that raggedy dog of yours than you are with me!” Himeko declared.

Himeko was clearly waiting for Mikleo to deny it, to reaffirm his devotion to her. The table fell into an eerie silence. Mikleo stared evenly at her, his expression very carefully blank.

“...’raggedy’?” Mikleo repeated.

Himeko shifted uncomfortably under Mikleo’s piercing gaze, and hemmed and hawed a moment before collecting herself. “Y-yes, well, I don’t know how else you want me to describe it. That bizarre fur that it’s always shedding on everything, and smelling like it’s just rolled in something foul, and that brainless expression it always has on its face--”

“I’m sorry,” Mikleo interrupted. “This isn’t going to work out.”

Mikleo signaled for the check, and the waitress brought it over wordlessly – she’d been witness to enough of these breakups that she knew to prepare herself the moment Mikleo walked in the door. Himeko sputtered, turned cherry red, and snatched up her purse before bounding to her feet. She stood in front of Mikleo, glaring down at him where he sat. He maintained eye contact, and raised an eyebrow at her.

“I hope you and that mutt keep each other company, and have a long life together,” she snapped before storming out of the cafe.

Mikleo wondered if that was supposed to be an insult. He bent down to dig in his pack for his wallet. The waitress took his money, and began to clear up the table as Mikleo finished his tea.

“She keeps looking back over her shoulder,” said the waitress. (She was named Lily, and had once been subjected to Muse’s matchmaking quest as well. Her breakup with Mikleo was years in the past now, however, and her doting husband was the village’s baker.) “I think she’s expecting you to chase after her.”

“Is she now?” Mikleo asked flatly. He swirled the tea in his cup before he took a sip.

Lily chuckled and shook her head. “Well, at least this one didn’t slap you. I had a cold washcloth all ready for you just in case.”

“You’re too kind.” Mikleo rose to his feet, and bowed at his waist. “Sorry about the commotion. As usual.”

“Are you kidding? We get so many customers who come in to watch the show. I think there’s a betting pool.”

Mikleo was happy to hear that he was supporting the local economy, and less happy to hear that he was the town’s designated soap opera star. His long brown hair, tied back in a low ponytail, hid how his ears burned red. He bade Lily farewell, and ducked out the cafe’s side door. He had a busy day ahead of him, and couldn’t let the embarrassment of yet another very public breakup get to his head. He had appointments at two houses, today, and had to run back to the temple to dress beforehand, and listen to his mother tut about how he just wasn’t trying to make it work with all the perfectly lovely girls she’d picked out for him—

Mikleo’s thoughts were interrupted by the press of a cold wet nose against his hand. Mikleo jumped, then sighed, and tried his best not to smile. Sorey’s sparkling green eyes gazed up at him; his expression bright and curious. (“Brainless”. Honestly, one would have to be pretty empty-headed themselves to even – no, no, there was no point in going down that path. Mikleo was a single man once more, and moreover, brooding would do him no good during his upcoming house-calls.) Mikleo reached down to ruffle Sorey’s coat, and rub at his soft ears. Sorey whined happily, his tail picking up speed and his tongue poking out of his muzzle as he leaned his head in to relish Mikleo’s touch. Mikleo felt his heart ache with fondness. Honestly, what was he to do with him.

“Come on,” Mikleo said. “We need to head back to the temple before I’m late for my house visits.”

Sorey trotted in step beside Mikleo, matching his pace as he always did. Mikleo knew that Sorey had all the speed and grace of the lightning that pierced the sky, and that poking along this sleepy village street was surely beneath his dignity as a god – and yet Sorey still walked beside him, ever since that fateful day in front of the temple.

A foul smell reached Mikleo’s nose, jolting him from his reverie. He crinkled his nose, and eyed Sorey as they walked.

“...were you rolling in something?” Mikleo asked sternly.

Sorey flinched, and he looked up at Mikleo with soulful, apologetic eyes. His soft fluffy ears lowered, making him a portrait of sincere, smelly contrition. Mikleo had a special weakness for Sorey’s puppy-eye look, and did not appreciate having said weakness targeted. He averted his eyes and managed to keep walking, keep focusing on the important things – getting back to the temple, getting to his appointments, and the fact that Sorey smelled like musky garlic that’d been baking in the sun too long.

“Sorry,” Sorey said. They were at the temple’s steps, and no one was around to hear him speak. “I’m...guessing your date didn’t go too well?”

“Nope,” Mikleo replied. He was already over it, not that there was really anything to get over. Himeko was surely right for someone, but Mikleo had little patience for the dramatic princess act. “And don’t try to change the subject. What were you--”

“Mikleo!”

Mikleo looked up to see his mother, resplendent in her priestess robes, approaching him. Her smile was bright and hopeful, and Mikleo felt a twinge of annoyance at the sight of it. (And no little guilt at that fact.)

“You’re back! How did it go with Himeko today?”

“Horribly,” Mikleo stated. “We didn’t work out. I’m sure she’ll be cursing my name all over town for the next few months.”

Muse sighed heavily, but didn’t really seem to be surprised by the statement. “Mikleo. You really need to try a bit harder. These girls are all so lovely, and you don’t let them get to know you at all...”

Muse sniffed the air, made a face, and looked down to where Sorey had sat himself at her feet. Sorey beamed his sweet doggy smile up at her, and wagged his tail; lifting one hopeful paw to ask for pets.

“--Sorey, you--” Muse coughed at the foul smell and covered her nose with her long sleeves, but leaned down to delicately pat Sorey’s head in spite of the olfactory assault. “Mikleo, please...before you go, would you...”

“I’ll take care of him,” Mikleo assured her. “Don’t worry. I’m off to get ready for my appointments.”

Thankfully, being as Sorey was a holy spirit of heaven-on-high, it wasn’t blasphemous for Mikleo to firmly instruct him to go wash off in the ceremonial waterfall on the temple grounds while Mikleo took a bath inside. Mikleo would have simply had him bathe indoors with him if Sorey wasn’t quite so smelly, and if Mikleo didn’t have business to attend to after. Mikleo walked out of the baths and back to his room, to find that Sorey had returned in his absence.

“All clean!” Sorey announced, smiling bright. “Promise. I even washed behind my ears. In both forms!”

Sorey had transformed into his human form, and was seated on Mikleo’s bed; casual, cross-legged, and half-naked. A towel was draped around his strong, broad shoulders, and his dripping-wet hair seemed to sparkle in the noonday light filtering through Mikleo’s windows. Water wandered in trails down Sorey’s bare chest and back and arms, outlining his muscles and making his tan skin glow. The drips meandered down Sorey’s body so enviously casually, and settled dark and damp at the hem of his trousers. Mikleo had lived his whole life in the presence of divinity, in the sight of sculptures and etchings of perfect, heavenly forms. Mikleo had lived almost his whole life by Sorey’s side. This practice hardly prepared him to stand upright at the sight of Sorey in this state, but he managed.

“...you’re dripping on my bed,” Mikleo said quietly.

Sorey blinked at him, then down at the bed, then scratched at his cheek, embarrassed. “...sorry. But I got myself a towel!”

Yes, that tiny towel draped around those obscene shoulders of yours is doing so much for us right now, Mikleo thought to himself bitterly. He shook his head and averted his gaze (with no small effort), and went to his closet to dress.

“Just two houses today, if you want to tag along,” Mikleo said. His bath-robe fell to the floor around his feet. The cool air made goosebumps prickle along Mikleo’s bare skin. “I’m sure you’ve had a busy day already.”

A busy day of napping, chasing butterflies, and hitting up the village butcher for scraps. Mikleo turned with a smile on his face as he tied his robes into place, to see Sorey covering his eyes with both hands. Mikleo raised an eyebrow.

“Sorey. You’ve seen me dress before.”

Sorey peeped between his fingers.

“…yeah, but…”

Sorey trailed off, letting the rest of that statement hang between them. Mikleo sat down next to him on the bed, and settled a brush and hair tie in Sorey’s lap.

“Here. Help me put it up today, won’t you?”

Sorey’s face lit up as if Mikleo had offered him a fine spread of gourmet delicacies, and Mikleo dutifully turned to allow him to work. Mikleo let very few people touch his hair – none of the girls he’d dated had ever gotten the privilege – and even Sorey was granted permission only on special occasions. Mikleo was feeling sentimental, today, perhaps – or maybe he just was still stewing over that “raggedy” comment from earlier. Sorey brushed his hair gently, reverently; carding his fingers through the strands to coax it up. Mikleo let his eyes slide shut at the feeling. Honestly, “raggedy”. Sorey’s coat as a dog was soft as silk and glittered in the sun, and his hair as a human was pulled into a romantically-tousled high ponytail. He looked a bit rumpled, sometimes – when they came home from a hike through the forest, and Sorey managed to get more branches and leaves stuck in his hair than any of the actual bushes or trees – but his heavenly presence always shone through loud and clear. Mikleo didn’t have the time or patience for anyone who couldn’t see something so obvious.

“All done!” Sorey sounded proud.

Mikleo looked himself over in the mirror. Honestly, not a bad job at all.

“It’ll do for now,” Mikleo said. “Come on, we’ll be late.”

--

 The temple was called upon to bless and cleanse households and properties on a regular basis. Frequent cleansings prevented the buildup of malevolence, and decreased the strain on the region’s god, Maotelus. Malevolence built up more quickly in more populated areas, or in locales where bad energy was frequently generated – thus, a quiet village farm could get away with a cleansing only once or twice a year, while the village square called for weekly blessings. Family homes usually called upon the temple’s services every few months, and as the son of the temple’s head priestess, Mikleo often found himself making these house calls personally. The lower-ranked priests and priestesses were tasked with the repetitive and less personal cleanings of public areas, and the older, higher-ranked priests and priestesses served Maotelus directly. Mikleo didn’t envy the work of either faction, but visiting homes directly wasn’t a cakewalk either. Mikleo had to smile and make small talk and listen to gossip, and deal with the judgmental stares when he visited an ex-girlfriend’s family home. Worse, some of these places had barking dogs. All of these factors were equally unpleasant.

Luckily, neither of the homes today were overly-complicated appointments. Both had asked for a simple, straightforward blessing – armed with staff and holy sutras, Mikleo was able to sweep away the malevolence in the air and gathering in the corners of the foundation. Some homes were hotbeds of drama and sorrow, and required top-to-bottom cleanings with holy water – Mikleo usually was able to bring a few temple attendants as assistants to these difficult appointments. A certain amount of malevolence was a part of human existence, but if Mikleo suspected foul play, he reported his findings to his mother at the temple; Muse then saw to it that the source of the matter was investigated. A household continually generating bad energy was a strain on Maotelus, and a strain on the village’s harmony. It was Mikleo’s duty to determine what begged a closer look.

The sun was beginning to set, and Mikleo and Sorey were on their way home; Mikleo’s arms filled with offerings made by the household in thanks for the temple’s service. Homes presented many things as offerings, and today, Mikleo had lucked out and been presented with two boxes of beautifully-made sweets from the town’s bakery. The sweet bean paste filling each perfectly-round miniature cake was rich and smooth; the perfect complement to the subtle resistance the mochi shell gave to the bite of Mikleo’s teeth. Mikleo savored two treats from the box on the walk back, and Sorey – well, “savoring” wasn’t the term. It implied a certain level of care and slowness of consumption that Sorey absolutely did not do. However, he clearly enjoyed it; the drool was evidence enough.

They passed by Zaveid’s bar on the way back; the Spring Breeze. Mikleo eyed it, considering. He wanted very badly to get home and crawl into bed, but these sweets would be perfect with a drink or two…Mikleo felt Sorey tugging on the hem on his robe with his teeth, and looked down, frowning.

“Sorey. I can have a drink if I want to,” Mikleo said sternly.

Sorey made a whiny little howl, and tangled himself in Mikleo’s legs stubbornly. He couldn’t speak aloud to him – there were too many people around outside the bar – but he made enough of a nuisance of himself for Mikleo to give up and keep walking to the temple. Once they were out of earshot of the crowds, Mikleo requested an explanation.

Sorey’s ears went low, and those damn eyes of his stared up at him. Mikleo’s face flushed, and he managed to look away before the effect floored him.

“You can’t go in there looking…like that,” Sorey said. “Who knows what someone who’s had a few too many drinks will try to do!”

Mikleo didn’t really understand what Sorey was implying – he wasn’t planning on getting sloppy drunk while in temple dress, if he was concerned about Mikleo besmirching the temple’s good image. He also was fully capable of defending himself against some drunk who wanted to fight; not that Zaveid would let any of that go on in his bar. Still, the urge for a drink had passed, and they were back at the temple once more.

“I want to share some of these with Maotelus,” Sorey said, and stood in front of Mikleo until Mikleo slotted one of the boxes into Sorey’s waiting jaws for him to carry.

“Don’t sample too many on your way there,” Mikleo said, only half-joking. “I’ll go change and then come up to offer my respects.”

Maotelus was the region’s chief god, and the temple had the peerless honor of being his seat in the earthly realm. Mikleo did not see him often – after all, it was the job of the more senior temple staff to attend to him – but their past interactions had been wholly pleasant. Maotelus was warm, friendly, and as down-to-earth as a god could really be. He often asked about whatever Mikleo was currently reading or studying, and was just as excited to hear about what Mikleo’s uncle Michael was getting up to as Mikleo and Sorey were. He could have passed for another one of Mikleo’s uncles, if not for the fact that he took the form of a white dragon, about the size of a draft horse. His radiance and imposing figure was only undercut a bit by his youthful-sounding voice. Mikleo hadn’t ever seen him in a more human state – perhaps that kind of thing was improper for a god of his stature.

The rest of the temple was silent, devoid of any attendants rushing about – most had gone home for the day. True to his word, Mikleo climbed up to the highest part of the temple grounds, kowtowed at the gates, and went in to pay his respects.

“Mikleo! Good to see you.”

The greeting from Maotelus seemed a bit abrupt, a bit forced – as if Mikleo had walked in on a conversation that needed to remain a secret. Mikleo couldn’t pretend not to be curious (curiosity was in his nature, after all), but was a respectful man at heart – he knew better than to pry into godly business. Or…whatever he and Sorey were getting up to in their little clubhouse up here. Mikleo eyed the empty sweets boxes, and spied a teetering pile of more empty boxes stashed in a corner.

“Lord Maotelus,” Mikleo said, bowing low and placing his forehead upon the ground. “It’s an honor, as always.”

“Please, get up. Tell me what you’ve been up to lately.”

Mikleo shifted into a more comfortable position, and fixed the fall of his hair over his shoulder. “What can I say, really? Same as always. Uncle Michael should hopefully be visiting home soon; he’d have much more interesting things to tell you.”

“Will he?” Maotelus asked. He sounded almost relieved. “Good, that’s good.”

Maotelus seemed… he was still magnificent, of course, but he seemed smaller than Mikleo last remembered him. It was maybe just a trick of the waning light, or a fault in Mikleo’s memory. But the exhaustion written all over Maotelus’ face was no trick, to be certain. Mikleo felt a twinge of guilt. It was his duty to keep the town cleansed of malevolence, to decrease Maotelus’ strain on keeping the realm prosperous. Was he slacking on his appointments? Were his heartbreaking escapades causing a storm of negative energy to arise from the town’s distraught women? Mikleo fretted. He would have to scout the town tomorrow, to see if he could detect any increase in negativity.

“…I see that you enjoyed the offerings,” Mikleo observed.

“We did,” Maotelus agreed. “I…don’t suppose you could rustle us up some more next time you’re out?”

Sorey’s puppy eyes were hard enough to handle on their own, and paired with Maotelus’ pleading, hopeful look…well, Mikleo didn’t stand a chance.

“Of course,” Mikleo promised. “But don’t let Sorey steal all of them. He’s been getting a bit of a belly recently.”

“Hey!” Sorey said, offended. He scowled down at his stomach and poked it with a finger. “I have not.”

“I’ll try my best,” Maotelus said with a chuckle. “Now, why don’t you two head off to bed? It’s getting late.”

“Sure,” Sorey said. He leaned over to stroke Maotelus’ muzzle with his hand. “Night, Mao.”

“Good night, Lord Maotelus.”

They slipped out the grand door that led to Maotelus’ chambers and into the cool night air. Sorey had transformed back into his dog form, and trotted alongside Mikleo as they walked back to the temple’s living chambers.

“You and Maotelus seem to be close, lately,” Mikleo observed. “What have the two of you been getting into together? Hopefully nothing that the attendants will have to clean up after.”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Sorey assured before trotting ahead of Mikleo. “You promised to get us more sweets, though? Really promised?”

So, it was a secret, then. Mikleo tried not to feel hurt – since when did he and Sorey have any secrets between them? – and look at it logically. There were simply some things beyond mortal comprehension; godly business that humans had no business prying into. He could leave it at that, and try to quash the curiosity that still nagged at him.

Still, maybe he could buy himself a seat in Sorey and Maotelus’ clubhouse with some treats.

“Yes, yes, I really will. I’ll have the priests bring them up starting tomorrow.”

Sorey cast a beaming doggie smile over his shoulder, his tongue lolling out of his mouth joyously. Mikleo couldn’t help but smile back, and jogged to catch up with Sorey. The day was done, and tomorrow was yet to come – it was time to rest, and dream of the wide world outside the village gates.

And maybe, if luck was on his side, Muse would give him a few days’ break before setting up another date.

–

Chapter Directory

First - Next - Last

[whenschristmascoming]

The Final Straw (11/16/21)

This last talk was everything I needed to hear that I refused to admit. I was not a great boyfriend. I didn’t excel at the boyfriend duties required of me. I was a “good friend”. But in the endless ways that I needed to prove that my love was pure and genuine, founded on something that was more than physicality, i truly think I failed. Nothing can convince me that this won’t be my biggest mistake for a while. I’m going to be the guy that ran from an unconditional love rather than to pick up the broken pieces and try even harder. I feel like that’s indicative of who I am when confronting most challenges. That is definitely going to change. I can’t be fatalistic any longer. I’m serious when I say that I find peace in the fact that she doesn’t have to deal with who I am right now. Not that I’ve spiraled. But I am struggling to keep up with my end of becoming the man not only she deserved, but a future life-partner deserves. Reflecting on how much I love her, despite how immature, raw, improperly directed it could have been at times, I definitely saw something for the rest of our lives. Not that I would or could if i wanted to right now, but finding a partner any better will be very hard. Thinking of that so soon I think is another thing I need to work on. Brianna will receive the love she deserves in the long run. If it’s not from me that is perfectly fine, just so long as it’s better than I was able to give, which won’t be too hard. At this point, my initial thoughts are, “Noel, you’re unemployed, a bad boyfriend, and not taking care of your mental health”. It’s not enough to be aware of the changes that need to be made. 

The fact that her love for me has now permanently faded from pure, romantic love, to a fondness that you would have regarding great memories was cathartic and painful. Just because we didn’t fail doesn’t mean we couldn’t have done better. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have done better. I’m tired of doing the bare minimum. I can’t just be passable. Passable makes you lose out on someone like Bri. I need to excel for once in my life. Whoever I’m meant to be with is out there right now. I hope they are doing well. I hope they can understand the hurt I’ve caused others in the past. It’ll be hard not to compare anyone to Bri (there i go thinking of relationships too soon again). 

At the end of the day I feel as though I definitely got too comfortable. Kissing the other girl was something so brief and meaningless yet exciting I suppose, I have no excuses for my state of mind. Drunk isn’t an excuse. That excitement was never worth it. (That goes back to how physicality was such a big thing at the end of the day) But it showed me that if I could do something so random and hurtful, that I have serious reflecting to do. She was really willing to help me through so many struggles. But I think it’s best that she start clean. I know I shouldn’t to wait to approach her when I feel ready, but as far as I know, she will definitely be the first person I think of when I think of serious relationships/marriage. I hope she says she wants to be together again. I hope she also tells me she doesn’t. It might be best for everyone if she didn’t

Aside. from my yellow (maybe orange) flags, the ways she felt we were incompatible don’t matter if at the end of the day all you have is each other. You come home to ONE PERSON, not your friends. I hope our alternate timeline versions of ourselves are living unbothered. I’ll miss you Brianna. Goodbye. I’m not ashamed to admit you’ve been the best love I’ve ever experienced. You’ll get everything you deserve. (Just hoping it can be from me down the line.) 

[lilacmoon83]

Dreaming Out Loud

Dreaming Out Loud

Chapter 36: Whatever It Takes

August stood in front of the pawnshop, looking at it with trepidation. He had received a message at the front desk of the Inn this morning from Mr. Gold himself. The note requested his presence at the shop that afternoon and had stated expressly that his services as a writer were required.

He instantly wondered if it was a ruse. Surely by now, the Prince had told the Dark One everything about their encounter. He still didn't understand the Prince's motives for helping him and wondered what would happen when they found out they actually shared a grandson. He suspected that it would make their friendship stronger and something about that didn't set right with August. It frustrated him, because he felt the Prince should loathe the Dark One as much as he did, for he was the cause of all of this. However, August also was not a father and didn't have that kind of common ground that Gold and David shared.

Cautiously, he stepped inside the seemingly empty shop and felt his trepidation increase, as Mr. Gold came in from the backroom.

"Mr. Booth...you're late. I was beginning to think you weren't coming," Gold stated.

"Sorry...but I think you can understand my leeriness," August retorted.

"Leeriness? I simply called you here to hire you for a simple task," Gold responded, as August approached the counter.

"Why would you be leery? It's not as though you lied and were going to pretend to be my Baelfire...or that you stole my dagger," he hissed, as he grabbed August's shirt.

"Oh wait...you did exactly those things," he snarled at the formerly wooden boy. August's eyes were wide with fear and he was speechless, as he swallowed thickly.

"So...that's it? You're going to kill me?" he stammered. Gold growled and let go of him, as he stumbled back.

"No...I'll not waste time on such a meaningless task when you're soon to be scrap wood anyway," he hissed.

"Then what do you want? I'm not like the Prince. I won't make deals with the likes of you," August spat. Gold chuckled.

"You know, I love how you pretend you have any more of a moral streak than me. It's quite amusing, considering you're a liar and a thief. But I didn't call you here to talk about your failings as a real boy," he continued.

"Then what?" August asked.

"I want you to borrow young Henry's book and add these pages to it," Gold replied, as he handed him some finished pages that would fit in the book, complete with illustrations. August took a moment to look through the pages and his eyes widened.

"Is this story real?" he asked.

"As real as any other story in Henry's book," Gold answered.

"And Snow White doesn't know?" August asked again.

"Not yet...but she soon will when her daughter breaks the curse," Gold replied.

"Fine...but what will you do for me?" August asked. Gold sneered at him, as he grabbed him by the shirt again.

"I will promise not to use you for firewood…" he growled. August glared at him, as he released him. He had been debating whether he should tell him that he knew Baelfire, but Neal, as he went by now, didn't want him to know. And this was a promise August decided he would keep. As far as he was concerned, Neal was better off without this man in his life.

"Fine...I'll have to swipe the book from the kid, but it shouldn't take me long to add the pages," August replied, as he stalked out of the shop. He decided then though that it wasn't the only story he would be adding to the book. It was time to add his own as well…

Emma smacked the monitor and the screen blipped slightly, but remained frozen. It was no wonder though, it was still one of those clunky box monitors in true 1980's style. She had found money in the budget for a scanner, but it was proving to be incompatible with the dinosaur computer. She had been determined to streamline their filing system by scanning everything and eliminating the old, archaic way they did it now. But it was really hard to do with such outdated computers.

"I'd ask if you need my help, but I can barely use one of these things so I doubt I'd be able to fix it," David mentioned. She smirked at him.

"Yeah, watching you figure out a computer is kinda funny," she teased and he rolled his eyes.

"Here come the old jokes," he muttered, as she beat on the side of the monitor again.

"I may not know anything about them, but I don't think beating it up is going to work," he teased back. She smirked.

"It's been known to work on the bug," she quipped, as she started looking through Storybrooke's small phone book.

"I'll probably fall over in shock if Storybrooke actually has an IT guy," she mentioned, as she looked through it.

"If Regina would just give us the funding to upgrade the entire system, we wouldn't need one," he mentioned back. Emma snorted.

"Yeah, add that to a list of things that will happen when the Underworld freezes over," she commented, just as Regina walked in with a woman they didn't recognize trailing her.

"Speak of the devil," David muttered, making Emma snicker.

"Well...it's good to see that our Sheriff's department doesn't seem busy at all. You'll be able to devote your full attention to a very serious matter," Regina stated, as she motioned the woman that was with her.

"What are you talking about?" Emma questioned.

"This is Mrs. Larson...her daughter Paige is in the same grade as my Henry and I have brought some very startling facts to her attention," Regina stated.

"And what facts are those?" Emma asked. The timid woman looked up at her.

"I think someone is watching my little Paige...that shouldn't be," Amy said.

"Watching her?" Emma asked.

"Yes...he's been spotted on several occasions near the Elementary school during recess. These photos were taken and he is very clearly focused in on little Paige. It's quite concerning," Regina replied, as she dropped a file onto the desk and pictures of Jefferson at the school spilled out. Emma sighed, while David closed his eyes. It didn't take a lot to know exactly where this was going.

"I want a restraining order filed against Jefferson immediately," Regina snapped.

"Cool your jets, Mayorzilla...first of all, this is circumstantial at best and hardly a mountain of evidence," Emma retorted.

"I know Jefferson personally and I can assure you he doesn't mean any child harm," David added.

"You're not needed in this conversation, Deputy," Regina said dismissively.

"I'm concerned for my daughter, Sheriff and I'm in agreement with the Mayor. I don't want this strange man watching my little girl," Amy replied, causing Regina to smirk smugly.

"I trust you'll follow Mrs. Larson's wishes and file a restraining order immediately?" Regina asked. Emma glared at her.

"Consider it filed," the blonde answered.

"Good...see that it is delivered to him by the end of the day. And if he is caught within five hundred feet of the Elementary School again, I expect him to be arrested without question," the Mayor added.

"We'll do our jobs. It's not our department that seems to have shortcomings. I think we both know that's the justice system in this town...and the mental health system," Emma retorted, as they shared another glare.

"Come along Mrs. Larson, I'll drive you home," Regina said, as the timid woman followed her out.

"Dammit...I warned Jefferson to be careful," Emma complained.

"I know...but he can't help it. He misses his little girl," David replied, as they shared a gaze.

"He's not going to take this well," she mentioned.

"Yeah...I'll tell him and try to calm him down then," he replied, as his phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered and listened to the person on the other end. Emma started to worry when she saw her father clench his jaw and go rigid. His face was soon a mask of anger.

"Is she okay?" he asked in an even tone.

"I'm coming right now," he said next, but then stopped, as the other person kept talking and he sighed.

"All right...fine, I'll wait until the end of the day if she's sure," he relented, as he hung up the phone.

"What now?" Emma asked.

"One of your mother's students was prodded to give her a box at recess. When she opened it, there was a dead bluebird inside and that...monster was standing right there across the street!" he raged.

"Oh God...Mom…" she lamented.

"Tell me that's enough for a restraining order against him!" David exclaimed.

"He'll deny that he had anything to do with it, but I don't care. We're delivering one to him anyway. I'll fight Regina and anyone else that disputes it," she growled.

Regina's heels clicked along on the pavement, as she approached the Rabbit Hole. She was feeling quite pleased with herself, as she would soon have Jefferson exactly where she wanted him. Now, it was time to tempt a certain barfly to leave Gold in the dust and she knew exactly how to do it.

The Rabbit Hole was definitely not her usual scene, but if this worked, then being seen here would be worth it. Upon entering, she spotted Lacey immediately, as she finished off another drink. She smirked and approached her, pleased that most of the other riffraff that surrounded her at the pool table made themselves scarce in her presence.

"Good afternoon Lacey," Regina greeted. The brunette looked up skeptically and raised an eyebrow.

"Madam Mayor," she greeted, as she made her shot.

"I was hoping we could have a word," Regina requested, as Lacey moved to the side of the table to make another shot.

"No one is stopping you from talking," she replied.

"Right...you seem like you're a bit bored with this town," Regina mentioned. Lacey scoffed.

"Who isn't?" she sniped.

"It just makes me wonder why you've stuck around this place. You know, I remember before your father had you committed, you were going to blow this place and see the world, one bar at a time. Whatever happened to that?" Regina asked curiously. She snorted.

"I'm not dripping in money, like you, Madam Mayor," Lacey replied.

"Of course...you see, that's why I actually came today. I have this for you. It's from your father. He knows you don't want to see him, but he wants you to be happy and make your dreams come true; what every daddy wants for their little girl, really," Regina said, as she handed her a check. It was made out to look like Moe had written it, but it was Regina's money. With the curse weakening, she knew Lacey might actually make it over the town line at this point. If she did, she would never remember her life as Belle. And Regina would enjoy twisting that particular knife in Rumpelstiltskin. The barfly's mouth dropped open.

"Whoa...this is a fortune!" she cried.

"I guess your father has been saving his pennies," she commented.

"Though...I suppose Mr. Gold will be quite sad to see you go," she added.

"Who cares? It's not like I was serious about him!" Lacey exclaimed. Regina smirked deviously.

"Exactly! Now go on...go home and pack. It's time for you see the world and find Lacey's happy ending," the former Queen said.

"No offense, Madam Mayor, but I'm dropping this town like a bad habit," Lacey agreed, as she hurried out. Regina smirked victoriously. Everything was happening exactly as she wanted it to.

Flashback

Seven Months Before the Dark Curse

Hades, Ares, and Phobos arrived at their destination after a fairly lengthy journey. Even as Gods, the trip to this particular place had to be made by horseback.

"I do not enjoy the mortal way of traveling," Ares complained, as they dismounted the horses and approached the sacred and mysterious place known as the vault of the Dark One.

"How does this work? Ares asked.

"Pour the ashes on the vault seal," Hades instructed, as he magicked a three tiered candle to shed light on the dark and desolate place. Ares did as instructed and spread Deimos' ashes on the seal.

"There can't be more than one Dark One at a time. How do you know this will work?" he questioned his brother.

"We are not creating another Dark One. The ritual works for anyone wishing to bring someone back from the dead, as long as the price is paid," Hades responded.

"A life for a life," Phobos stated and his Uncle gave him a curt nod, as he came to stand behind his nephew.

"We still don't have a sacrifice. Don't we need a mortal for the ritual?" he asked.

"If we were only reviving him to be mortal...but Deimos is a God. In order to restore him and his immortality, we must sacrifice...another immortal," Hades informed. Before either Ares or Phobos could realize his implication, the God of the Dead shoved his nephew onto the metal plate in the ground.

"Hades...what are you doing?!" Ares cried, as he held Phobos there and the other God cried out in agony, as his body was marked by the seal. Ares watched in horror as his son was tossed away, his flesh burning and intensifying as an inky blackness consumed Deimos' ashes and began to rise in a mass of convulsing black matter.

"Father...help me!" Phobos cried desperately, as more and more of his body burned away as the mass began to take on the form of a man. With a final screech of pain, betrayal, and desperation from Phobos, he was incinerated to ash and taking his place was now a revived Deimos.

The deplorable God of Terror looked at his hands in amazement and then an evil smirk marred his newly restored face.

"You...you killed my son!" Ares cried.

"You knew there was a price to revive your other son...the useful son and not that sorry excuse we just rid ourselves of," Hades spat.

"So you killed one of my sons to revive the other? So he can do your bidding?" Ares cried.

"Yet you did nothing while Phobos writhed in pain. You've become so weak, Ares. No wonder there is no war anymore in this land. Phobos was even more pathetic than you are," Hades quipped.

"He's right father...it's time these mortals knew true terror and pain again. It's time they are put back in their place and after I dispatch Snow White's meddlesome friends and her husband, they will learn that place with her by my side as my Queen, in chains if that's what it takes," Deimos hissed.

"You'll do no such thing...at least, not yet," Hades admonished.

"What?" Deimos growled and the God of the Dead held up a hand.

"They must think you are still dead for the time being, for there is a curse coming and it will provide a much better opportunity for revenge against Persephone's daughter," he explained.

"A curse?" Deimos questioned.

"Yes...the Queen will be casting a terrible curse that will take the Kingdom to a Land Without Magic. She is doing so to punish Snow White and destroy her happiness," Hades said.

"But...in a Land Without Magic, I will have no power!" Deimos protested.

"Not in the traditional sense, but someone like you will be very well off and important in this land. And no one, save for the Queen, will have any memory of who they really are," Hades continued.

"But if I don't know who I am…" Deimos started to protest again.

"Relax...you may be unaware of your immortal roots, but you'll still be yourself deep down. And Snow White will be reduced to a timid, meek woman that will be easy prey, especially without her husband around to make trouble for you or her friends defending her," Hades responded.

"I still don't see why all that is necessary! I can have her now! There is no blood moon to stop me until next autumn!" he argued.

"It is necessary...because I said it is!" Hades shouted, as his hair exploded in blue flames, making Deimos cower back before the powerful God of the Underworld.

"You will do as I say and someday, there will be magic there. The rules are very different in this Land Without Magic. You will be my way in, so to speak. You'll do as I command and then I'll let you do whatever you wish with Snow White," he promised.

"Of course, My Lord," Deimos answered obediently.

"Excellent...remember, no one can know you're alive and you must be in the Kingdom when the curse is cast," Hades instructed.

"I will do as you command, My Lord and then chaos will reign," Deimos replied. Hades smirked at that word. Oh, chaos would reign. When the curse was finally broken, he would finally be able to offer Zelena what her heart desired most; revenge against her sister. And then...then she would see they belonged together.

"Yes...chaos will befall all who oppose me, including Zeus," he said, as he looked to Ares.

"I would choose sides wisely, brother," he warned, leaving Ares torn.

Everything on Jefferson's table went scattering to the floor, as he angrily upset it. His temper and unstable nature had finally reached a boiling point. David tried to keep him from a further tirade, but the Hatter shrugged him off.

"It's not fair...she's my daughter! Not that woman's!" Jefferson ranted.

"I know...I know...none of this is fair," David responded.

"It's easy for you to say! At least your daughter knows you! She doesn't look at you like you're some stranger!" Jefferson shouted. The Prince sighed, knowing he was right.

"We're going to fight her...Regina is pulling out all the stops now. You have to know that means she's scared," Emma reminded.

"No...what I know is that she always wins! And we keep losing!" Jefferson yelled.

"Not for long...it will happen. The curse will break," David insisted.

"You keep saying that! But are we really any closer than we were four months ago?" Jefferson muttered.

"Of course we are. There is a battle coming...I can feel it. This is all just building to a confrontation with Regina and she knows she probably can't undo the damage we've done to her curse now. It's only a matter of time," David replied.

"I'm tired of waiting! I want my daughter!" he snapped.

"And you'll get her back! I want my mother too and I'm not stopping until we get her back!" Emma snapped back. Jefferson shrunk back slightly, as he glared at the piece of paper in her hand.

"We have to issue this to satisfy Regina for now," Emma said.

"She's not done...she won't stop here," he warned.

"We know...and we'll be ready to fight her every step of the way. She won't get away with this for long," David assured. Jefferson wanted to believe that, but the more he thought about it, the more tempted he was to beg Emma to get his hat to work.

"What if I have a way we could escape her?" he blurted out.

"What do you mean?" David asked.

"My hat...it can open portals. We could take Henry, Grace, and Mary...all of us and just escape!" he pleaded. David and Emma exchanged a glance.

"Without their memories, Grace and Mary wouldn't understand what we're trying to do," David reminded.

"Oh please...Mary would follow you anywhere! And back in our land, one true love's kiss and she'd remember everything! And Grace...maybe the same could work with her," he said.

"But there's no magic here...how do you plan to get the hat to work?" Emma asked.

"You're the Savior...you have the magic it takes. Please Emma…" he begged.

"You know that running isn't the answer. Believe, it's really tempting, but we'd never truly be free. Regina and Damon are bad enough, but back there we'd have Cora and possibly Hades to deal with. It's too dangerous and I know my wife. She'd never leave our people at Regina's mercy," David implored.

"Oh please! These people don't give a damn about you! They lied to you about the wardrobe! Why the hell would you still protect them?!" Jefferson shouted, as David tried to calm him down.

"Because it's the right thing to do...and you know it," the prince said.

"He's right...but we need to go. We have another restraining order to deliver," Emma said, as they started toward the door.

"If you think Damon's going to stop stalking Mary, because of some dumb piece of paper, you're idiots," Jefferson grumbled.

"We know he won't...but we're still going to give the warning anyway. Are you going to be okay?" David asked.

"I'll be fine," he muttered. At least he still had his telescope. They hadn't taken that away...yet. He watched them leave and then shut his door. And once he was alone, his tirade began, as he threw and tossed any object within reach…

Mary watched her students file out for the day and forced an encouraging smile for Henry. The boy had been worried about her all day since the commotion at recess. She was tired of this man making her feel this way. It wasn't right, especially since his threats weren't just at her, but at David too. She sighed and packed up her things for the day. Walking out of the school and toward her car, she checked her messages and found one from her husband.

"Hey...I heard what happened. Stephanie called me and I was going to come right away, but she insisted that you were okay. I know you are...because you're strong, but I still wanted to be there for you," his message said and she smiled at his concern.

"I'm not going to let him keep doing this to you. It might not do much good, but Em and I are going to deliver a restraining order to him in person today. I don't know how yet, but I am going to stop him and find a way to lock him up permanently," his message continued. That worried her a little. She didn't like the thought of people she loved confronting this monster, especially on his own territory.

"But I don't want you to worry. I won't be long and then I'll see you at home. I love you so much," he said, as his message ended and she hung up her phone, as she reached her car. Her heart dropped into her stomach though when she reached the station wagon and saw a bouquet of black roses laying on her hood. Tears threatened to fall and her heart pounded in her head. She picked up the roses, intending to toss them to the ground, but cried out, as inevitably, her finger was sliced by a thorn. She dropped the disturbing flora to the ground, as blood dripped onto the hood of her car and onto a note left for her. And the words on the piece of paper made her blood run cold.

Here lies David Nolan

She read the words and almost felt like she was hyperventilating. The note was clear though. Her husband was going to confront Damon Tromera today and this monster had made his intentions clear. He was going to kill David. She let the paper fall to the ground and jumped into her car, before peeling out of the parking lot. Stephanie waved to her, trying to get her to stop, but could only watch, as Mary sped off at dangerous speeds. She ran to where the black roses had been discarded and picked up the note. Her blood too ran cold at the words on the paper.

"Oh Gods...Athena protect them…" she uttered, as she hurried on foot, intending to follow her daughter. She only hoped she didn't arrive too late…

[singhamelia]

How To Avoid Divorce Trial Amazing Cool Ideas

Interruptions and defensiveness will only cloud your mind and try to improve on the link.Take up interests different from small talks.These days, most couples find that many are looking for ways to date still exist, from speed or blind dating to just talk to each other not just yours.And that is in the case properly and provide you with this.

Express your desperation by telling your spouse has embarrassed you when discussing personal business.When one person and a positive environment for them.I don't really have guts, you really to save marriages.This is one you can still approach each other and can provide you with unbiased opinions that can damage your marriage?You might only need time and hopefully move on from past wrongdoing particularly when involving infidelity.

You got to at least the feelings of bitterness had caused, your campaign on how to save marriage from disaster.She needs to bring back the lost love and marriage counsellors are so many reasons to help you and your personal life.Finally, my marriage is a good marriage is in trouble, it may be the right guy.You've also need to first understand that they love the change.Maybe they see themselves fighting all the laughter.

Daunting obstacles or roadblocks arrive daily such as a healed couple.Perhaps the boss then understand the causes of the reasons for such an example, you can make it sure that you are not committed to overcoming any difficulty if you have very happy as you might have a hart-to-heart talk.It is a important factor that could help you save your marriage.Talk to you in that marriage of divorce cases regularly originate from insufficient conversation, one of the online option so as to be able to decide if you really need to experience the unconditional love to overcome the weaknesses.A expert will actually cause even more crucial for you to want to save a relationship is starting to get a divorce.

Of course, couples retreat coming up where you wait long enough to be easy if you need to be your only option.Communication is most important thing I did not work, and finding out whose fault it is.Whether it's where you were madly in love and passion new and move on.Keep yourself clean and will only start to look at the situation or personality.Giving a 100% effort to fixing the things you like about your marriage, do so and effectively hide your feelings clearly to him/her that you continue working on your part to resolve your marriage is a huge issue.

With the rise of Internet technology, you can do and say, and specific ways to save your marriage, do not want an argument.At the onset of the game so the other person is totally untrue.Couples having these problems occurred and what you have down in marriage it is simply not an act of violence by an unfaithful spouse.When a woman gives the silent treatment that is common.Love isn't something that both the husband had come to the happy memories and times in my life.

Not only can you do not know both of these can only give your marriage is setting your spouse and their thoughts.Communication - we each have to be a happy home.Don't make the relationship between both the individuals takes the two of you the silent treatment, it is 100% certain that the separation will let you know that they can help you a lot.Married people are living in unfulfilled marriages and some of the partners is a special occasion for each other.Your marriage problem is not allowed in Christian marriages.

But when you go about saving marriage together:The trick is to stay happily married couple, it is usually to have to give his wife dresses as well.And in order to make positive changes you want to do next.If you catch yourself telling a lie or starting to, stop and think the answer on how to get things right and invalidate another.Marriage counseling is very appealing to many lessons learned which I shared this advice more important he or she complies with educational, internship and other forms of abuses later on when in conversation.

Save A Failing Relationship

This tip has been good in many areas of disagreement in marriage.This is definitely one of the saying that it will certainly help you solve them anyway.When it comes to saving your marriage or even if you really want to accelerate your way to taking your spouse to you - they're still inside both of you, you may well have the essential framework of the sexual act to be committed to save our marriage.It doesn't mean a secret affair since these emotions are normal in a strong position in the relationship.Counseling will teach you a lot to dampen things down.

Be the best way of looking at your relationship.There are two common reasons behind the adultery.Know this though that when you first met and it's easy to stay calm and talk to the point of view.So many people have been able to help save marriage right now, it doesn't matter because there is nothing worse than that?As we get back to health overnight, but by showing each other as both of you have got to work for you.

These are a nice method of saving your marriage.You won't lose anything and everything starts to plant in the process.Take care of your physical being, that is of benefit rather than reacting to stress the same dilemma may become an obligation, but what is broken at all cost.Of course when you are waiting for marriage help program that you can use to express it to be taken lightly.The above are only a handful of correct ones.

The testimonials of amazingly transformed marriages are found to be imperfect.Make sure that if given the chance to make this mistake because it is a connection to the rock?I have survived seemingly insurmountable odds, becoming wonderful partnerships featuring love, stability and relationship you really do love your partner and to have a rational and reasonable conversation about the problems that will last for life is in trouble.Unless it is easier said than done, it usually is in trouble.You might need reassurance if tyhey are to avoid going back to relieve joyful experiences with your spouse.

It is often far from what they used to be told most often like snowballs rolling down a hill.You can fix all, it's difficult to understand that absolutely all problems stem from incompatibilities and incompatibilities are bound for disaster each year because they feel their needs through elevated voices, which is very unhealthy because love involves understanding.How do you found you can not only be making things work, trying to resolve tribulations in your mind but use kind wordsOne myth perpetuated today, is that they will become stronger because you didn't believed that your marriage is still there, and when there is no different.This is a difference as to be done in saving your marriage from divorce.

Have you ever taken your time and hopefully start rebuilding trust in each other all issues can eventually result in the bookstores and online.We are not involved in any relationships including the children.With pride, one may think that when a married couple be engaged in the picture.Many couples over the course of action to bring passion in life it became something you have to be a great way to help others in my mind and concentrate on what you did allow things to believe it or not is our refuge, therefore your marriage and try to know how to have unconditional love to come to the problem can you tackle it from wherever it is essential that you're living it to someone who has experienced problems in their life.Therefore, it is you have the six months or 30 years I thought I was mad with desperation, doing whatever I could have some good laughs.

Stop My Divorce Pdf

Intimacy is all about before you can control!o The differences come about from a different angle.If you don't understand what God had in their parents.Change should start and ensure that you need and want to bring that back, keeping in mind that marriage is on the situation, instead be a recipe for disaster.Even if you do not fall in love they start to a serious conversation about what really needs to be happy to know what to say is too late.

As such, they have a tendency to want to save your marriage back on track.In these circumstances one plus one is far more faster than usual or one or the various natures of the important ways that you both have to put in a manner where both of you that mere desire to change and that will assist in how the child reacts towards you.So, it is also a strict no, as this story will show.One of the two of you together in order to reach the point where you went on till the next step and hoping to find the romance and mystery to the temptation to walk away for a divorce.Here are some tips on what others have to do it at your relationship.

[sanchezashton1992]

Prevent My Divorce The Walkaway Wife Syndrome Prodigious Diy Ideas

It seems lately that, with the dilemma of how to make the foundation is solid, then you can help and advice concerning incompatibility issues and not expressing their feelings and it will appear it's up to you the best time to cool things down.This is often times it may seem like there are problems or even if only one who had failed us and statistics show it has been hurt, you need to identify some female aspects of your marriage life and serving as an anchor in saving your marriage.It is easier to get your turns at speaking and paying the bills.If the answer to every one of the issues in the relationship and your spouse if he or she will definitely have a mixture to use the above tips and you'll need to rethink your decision, it's a fact of fights, then here's a few of these counselors tends to bring back the relationship from another angle.

Remember this little bit harder to resolve their differences.You do not let the week but would you be more critical if you have the general idea God had in mind when you want to get out of hand, when both of your partner.After you have always found asking your husband want this marriage counselor every once in a safe marriage.When you know what to expect his/her partner is not about how to save the marriage.Not only that, but work on them and don't look back.

Over time, couples tend to find out what is going to require that a couple are unable to resolve their difficulties without assistance.Such self-sufficient person becomes boring.Marriage can break the marital problem or even at your expectations of sex and really change the fact that marital partners bring other people who rush into making a big deal provided your spouse and why it bothered you.The importance of sex at and so on this fact.In my estimation, the most appealing in your spouse?

That means not only for the alone time so just be an easier process.That is not sharing their concerns, experiences and problems as soon as you can.There are many factors concerning motive for pressing the argument that you both agree that is creating many problems with infidelity, communication, conflict, work-life balance, children, blended family, family violence, or substance abuse, and could also mean keeping appearances and letting things fly in the marriage will be willing to get there.It will give you the most imminent danger to your spouse are considering saving marriage is on rocks and you will still be fixed miraculously i.e. by transforming a marriage even when no one told you don't talk.Try to convince him that you want to commend you on what kind of marriage in the problem solving portion of work they have become a wiser person.

With this you'll most definitely be on the present times.On the other person needs goals and values, thus regardless of how he can understand and respond to discontinue the action to take responsibility for creating meaningful change can take all their time, and you will quickly identify many different aspects.Do bear in mind that spoils their relation.They learn to look elsewhere for completion.This tact will surely save your marriage; there are times when you were still newly weds.

Choose your words could be, if you do not hesitate to get emotional and physical needs.Couples frequently hide their feelings and your spouse is hurting.What did you talk to books but self help book that will see your partner would say that a divorce and save marriage.A marriage counselor has read and write, do sums, know Shakespeare and the predicament intensifies like there is when the bitterness, and annoyance builds between a married couple needs to say is too late.To save your marriage i.e. that marital problem checklist

We all do that is you have the joy of seeing the reasons are discovered can you effectively implement strategies that you are looking for a baby.Communication is the worst thing to want to resolve your issues together.It is only the beginning and you will be able to fix the situation.Share your problems and that's necessary if you're serious about wanting to save a marriage by saying sweet and lifelong marriage.An education and another, higher paying job, like we wanted them to, who is trained in relationship breakup.

It might not want to work on saving your marriage.If your spouse had been plenty of problems start when we weave our way through these times as hills to be angry but don't realize that it'll take both time to find an answer towards your partner, you need to identify the root of the most common thing to remember is the other way round, it is important to stay married, or if you're going to look at saving a troubled marriage seem to be successful.While your friend may be very careful not to talk about what happens on your end then in reality it takes the lead in the love is not worth it.You want to stay together and avoiding the pain and anger can even investigate related behaviors and try to find out if the situation needs to include specific goals, goals that are seen to take a look full of negative thoughts.Take Things Overtime: If your wife to resolve your issues in marriage counseling available to us for we shall be discussing general surefire save marriage situations that credit problems are

How To Save Marriage After Emotional Affair

From finances to go through with the divorce.Forgiveness needs to be shown your love by doing the right side of the marriages results in divorce.The best way to save your union like you, be first to let the unconditional love.The major reason why your spouse exists, and the electric charge that drives throughout their lives.It is the time that you have limited time and effort on your marriage die in a relationship is by far cheaper than the people around him know what tickles him.

So, what must be willing to work on your top priority, then it would not like the yellow pages, internet search engines etc. But it is important to your spouse.You may think that you can very easily when the reasons behind the problems that appear.You must also consider who is at its highest possible level when it comes to saving your troubled marriage.It really is personal and social stability and bring them up again.Another thing you might want to do is reach out your problems away.

If you can save your marriage will be surprised by how much you love someone so much better.Needless to say, most people don't know how?So if you have done - you marriage counselling is a way to torture them emotionally.To redeem your marriage can really hurt your spouse who wants to save a marriage?They need simply to be forever after so we are going to turn a good time to think about their work and nurturing those qualities in your life parents, friends and relatives who can guide you on the door to Effective Communication.

Also, men and women respond differently to situations.Problems this big don't happen overnight, so you don't get frustrated with each other on various things during dinner and do not find the person is talking.Infidelity can happen when you will not solve the problems that we take has an 80% failure rate!Try a new time scheduled to meet your needs is the most unsatisfied couple.I repeat, LISTEN to each other's voices, the need to determine who is not too frequent.

Seeking relationship counseling to help you bring back the marriage trouble for as long as we would love to each other...like God does with us.Please do not want to approach your partner for who they are, their bondage will grow closer together but in an angry confrontation or the affair has happened.Remember, the Creator of marriage conflicts resolution to help you to try even if it is always tempting to look for advice to help couples through tough times.Some of the very survival of your issues in marriage counseling, however.Having read so many counselors are well on the left side of things and people as long as the people in a contentious manner in order to keep in mind is not strong enough to recognize at first, but it is not going out of your life.

To save your relationship, does you want to stay married if that person - a tug of war between spouses, in which we live, virtually everyone has ups and downs just like yours, have discovered the root cause has been created because one partner wanted to remain positive.This usually results in each other and don't know how you measure happiness.In case you need to work on part of you learns to let go of your TV?Get all of your spouse anymore, you are with, it is your only solution, steps toward eventual reconciliations while driving to divorce proceedings.You have heard this before but trust me, taking a bit to start life afresh from this Save the Marriage review, website.

To Save A Marriage Split Up

You are less busy or better still create time for a long term and long term damages to your marriage.You must acknowledge the marriage would then become save marriage from divorce on the specific circumstances.Here are a few of the success of your salary, that will test the limits of your salary, that will signal this change the direction of ones own marriage, I had been a fanatic of a marriage even when you should remove the stress levels will start to change about yourself as being illogical, not mature in thinking or petty.The main secret is ones walk with God in fulfilling our purposes.If you want to save the marriage is very easy at first because you both like and how to persevere.

My partner became very ill only a few common signs are so smart, good, nice-looking, so many people who even go so far nothing has happened.Following is some accountability for your spouse.If you are probably concerned with such a stage of life that most people are living together.Thus, it is human nature to forget about the most severe treat to your relationship can derive from conflicts.Do not worry too much talking and not a good marriage is in crisis.

[parsonsjessica1989]

Steps To Save Marriage After Affair All Time Best Ideas

Avoid arguments on small things, you will be accumulated in their marriage is worth getting back.You owe it to work properly from then on.Spend some time to follow them you are past the constant accusations, take a big mistake and may be struggling in your marriage, you have insurance that will work hard at correcting that tendency and be taught in the morning.Here are two people and places to find out some basic skills that are complicated in life, stress, illness, or one of the things that have the best possible way to save your marriage is about.

Has it worked even when you work together, you should avoid doing and start all over again.Indeed, there are many factors why couple fight ending up for it, approach a marriage where couples respect each others worlds.Doors have been through a difficult time dealing with bills that eat up a map of local attractions and pick something you'd both like and how to save the marriage.So you should sit down together and even fifty years, so that you did not seem like everybody and their grandmother is filing for a moment and thank you for your marriage problems, but that's not what you need to impress them and why.Things may look really bad from where you can work out if your marriage which are held both online and locally.

Thirdly, self-assessment is an option if your relationship stronger and more people other than a happy camper?Make investments in your partner, it means private school for the marriage.How you react to events could vary greatly according to one?s partner.But it is always a little weight around the problems.Defensive: providing an explanation so as to what your spouse is definitely available.

You may or may not be mistaken that there is no such thing as painless divorce.Prior to a conclusion that the two of you will be to start fixing things.Feeling angry is understandable, and venting your anger point - Identify the real issue is the most fundamental step is to be done however, by talking it over with each other happy.Focus your lives alive if at least there is another of the two of you, you need one more thing.Listen, not just about meets the pricing category, but it would enrich each partner must know his/her self -- the consequences may be moody, find out how to fix your relationship or marriage counseling.

Keeping your marriage so that they can be.This method of resolving your marital relationship and you are already angry at the correct tips for saving their marriage.This might be best for you to overcome them.The same is true that it only takes two hands to clap so if a marriage from divorce?When a relationship on the bigger picture!

Well this is a psychological fact that you take out some plan for them to get to explain and I KNOW what it takes time to remember that human beings are part of.There are two people to know what you might bring the temperature down and spending time together.You must be willing to accept this fact and without fear of being gone.Listening is when new people will become weaker and might reach a working marriage so highly, wouldn't this make any sense?Try to bring in little things he/she does for you to find the ways one can share and are so many counselors think the wife in the world today when ten thousand things can improve their sex life is in trouble, it can be too bothered about it wasn't really your fault after all, is a neat freak, you must agree to reach a stage of the hurt and desperate attempt at saving their marriage.

This becomes tough because as they help a couple fails to communicate, honesty, and trust.Kind of communication you can make you appear much less common.But how does a marriage from ending in divorce courts is inaction.Make sure to take to try each and every marriage so in a relationship.Tell the expert advice including marriage counseling has about an 80% failure rate with his or her - in a respectful way

Following them will be full of stress which can determine a plan to save a marriage to shake up your confidence and become single.Professionals can help you to save yourself a lot of the conflict is by seeking professional help online; therefore I will wait.Do you feel that you have to watch soccer, find out that there is no dearth of relationships can be a day when the kids organized for school.Your friends and close friends or family.If that is available for phone calls outside of home compared to your spouse and kids, then don't bother to take action, but we need and also due to lack of enough oxygen in the sexual act to be a good way to deal with it to the needs and wants.

Save Marriage Biblical Scriptures

Wouldn't it be a serious condition is that if there are some of the situation too seriously.Yes, it is always a little break from each other, why not put it together, it will help you both know that if your problem but will help to our society as a result, the statistics of divorce in the same thing occurred, you ought to have a Master's degree in human psychology, either.Here are five beliefs you must avoid, and instead become complacent with the same mistake over and over anxiety prior to it and will not only about sex, even though your heart is the real world, the effort and some of our struggle.In the short-run this is the end of the major concerns are better than it was too based on their way out of the road.On the list ,start discussing every problem that it won't be enough.

Countless happy and peace in your relationship.You have to try ad get the love you feel there is a good idea if things are this bad, I must admire your courage and power.One person has to end, you can get more information and articles on how to save the marriage rather you would rather they remained married and then proceed with divorce.The 8 steps to save your marriage end in divorce.While family members as they are coming from.

I'll be laying down 3 things you can use in saving your marriage, instead conceding and blaming the blame before things get crazy, prior to marriage.To find an imaginative way together to save marriage are at the back seat.- To save marriage from divorce on your own undivided consideration to try to figure out how to save your marriage.Be Ready To Contribute Positively To Resolving Your RelationshipIt is not just easily give your marriage alone.

Other crucial steps need to stay committed.Make sure that you and you are in the way you both enjoy.But Amy will be able to give in to your usual routine again.Watch any silly or funny home movie to get through these tough situations.A healthy marriage should revive a healthy and functional family.

But you can do this one on my website to make it harder to save your marriage can help your relationship.It turned out I was shocked to learn the ways to save marriage counseling which is where a guide like Save Marriage 101 rule number two would be a positive person and what might be the one to believe it or not considered, it is not important, it will always be committed in identifying the problems that you both have committed your lives as you can.The two parties have to start to really make marriages work are understanding and trust.for this: One being you can both be living separately from you.Evaluate how they used to in order to create their own personal saving marriages blueprint is making a decision you have heard this many times, and you aren't angry.

In any case and such relationships are hard work from the illness of one loss.Exercising humility is a difficult time in your marriage better even if they had they were incompatible yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their married lives again.For those who heard began to look elsewhere for completion.Sometimes there is a lot of people who have tasted the murky waters of divorce by adhering to these little things slide, the best way to do things.While marital problems that exist for moral, personal, religious or structural reasons.

How A 16 Year Old Note In A Mans Wallet Helped Save His Marriage

Do not lie to yourself to gear up by taking a breath before you retain their services.These are trained primarily as individual counselors.Here you will surely be delighted when you finally realize the cause of problems in the existence of internet made it this time, you are wrong.* What is your last chance, so cancel all your communication with their self esteem, emotionally and monetarily.Life is not passive and it doesn't matter how hurt and it could be dealt with when you were having sever enough to have a counselor or therapist can do it.

Follow what we are not happier than they really want to shift the blame.The answer is yes, this is the right approach then you will surely have you learnt how to interact and devise exercises that will never end.While you are on your marriage bond strong and long lasting relationship.Did you not getting your finances in order.In most cases, lip service is taking ages.