whenschristmascoming

[whenschristmascoming]

I LOVE YOU BRIANNA GUTIERREZ DUAL CITIZEN SPOOPY SCORPIO ONLY BABY BORN ON HALLOWEEN LITERAL MAGICAL MUSHROOM FAIRY GIRL BOSS CEO CAT MOM EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN HER HEART CUZ SHES FROM TEXAS CAN MAKE ANYTHING FROM SCRATCH I DONT DESERVE YOUUUUUUUUU BUT I WILL FIGHT TIL MY LAST BREATHE I SWEAR TO YOU I AM SORRY FOR BEING ANNOYING

[whenschristmascoming]

My mom has really been able to help me so much through this. I’ve come to the realization that I falsely equated proper forgiveness with being together. That’s not the point. I need to ask her and prove to her I can be forgiven period. And any type of relationship we have after that is a blessing nonetheless. I miss her but I’m also realizing I haven’t been putting her first, and I definitely haven’t been showing any self respect. She deserves the peace of mind she’s asking for. But I want her to know that I will always be thinking of a second chance with her. As long as I have Ryan’s bracelet on, I’m not giving up. Just gotta prioritize the actual ways in which I can grow rather than impatience by way of speaking to her as much as possible.

[whenschristmascoming]

i don’t want this to just be grieving, I want my efforts to manifest something positive. I don’t want to force anything. But I don’t want to not try my hardest. All I can think about is you crying on your knees in your backyard. that was my sign. And now I’m here in Vegas contemplating leaving early just to see you face to face. Just for you to keep me company until I give up. But I don’t see that happening. I have nothing left to lose at this point. Truly…

[whenschristmascoming]

I’ve been having dreams for the longest time that I was running late for something… I guess I know what

[whenschristmascoming]

You extending the courtesy I didn’t give you you.. simply just waiting for me to give up.

No feelings I’m feeling right now can possibly compare to the hurt I’ve caused you.

[whenschristmascoming]

You were the only person I was thinking about at porter… I should’ve listened to myself then.. listened to every instinct beforehand..

[whenschristmascoming]

My initial reaction was to tell you that we got to Vegas safely. I hope you enjoyed looking at the mood. You really should be here. Idk how we would make the logistics work but I’m doing the math in my head about how we could’ve accommodated you

[whenschristmascoming]

I really hope it’s not too late

[whenschristmascoming]

At the end of the day, no one wants to convince another they should be loved in return, that’s not what I should be doing. I love you enough that if you do not decide for yourself that you love me too there is nothing I should do. I am simply showing you my best self, and hoping you can fall in love with me as naturally as it once was.

[whenschristmascoming]

one step in the right direction,,, forward not back.

[whenschristmascoming]

People find their person and stick to them. They love them despite all their quirks, struggles, and mistakes.

Any love similar to hers would feel like a second chance, and any love greater would be a sign from God Himself to never let go.

But what is a love greater if you’ve already received every ounce of love a person had to give..?

[whenschristmascoming]

The Final Straw (11/16/21)

This last talk was everything I needed to hear that I refused to admit. I was not a great boyfriend. I didn’t excel at the boyfriend duties required of me. I was a “good friend”. But in the endless ways that I needed to prove that my love was pure and genuine, founded on something that was more than physicality, i truly think I failed. Nothing can convince me that this won’t be my biggest mistake for a while. I’m going to be the guy that ran from an unconditional love rather than to pick up the broken pieces and try even harder. I feel like that’s indicative of who I am when confronting most challenges. That is definitely going to change. I can’t be fatalistic any longer. I’m serious when I say that I find peace in the fact that she doesn’t have to deal with who I am right now. Not that I’ve spiraled. But I am struggling to keep up with my end of becoming the man not only she deserved, but a future life-partner deserves. Reflecting on how much I love her, despite how immature, raw, improperly directed it could have been at times, I definitely saw something for the rest of our lives. Not that I would or could if i wanted to right now, but finding a partner any better will be very hard. Thinking of that so soon I think is another thing I need to work on. Brianna will receive the love she deserves in the long run. If it’s not from me that is perfectly fine, just so long as it’s better than I was able to give, which won’t be too hard. At this point, my initial thoughts are, “Noel, you’re unemployed, a bad boyfriend, and not taking care of your mental health”. It’s not enough to be aware of the changes that need to be made. 

The fact that her love for me has now permanently faded from pure, romantic love, to a fondness that you would have regarding great memories was cathartic and painful. Just because we didn’t fail doesn’t mean we couldn’t have done better. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have done better. I’m tired of doing the bare minimum. I can’t just be passable. Passable makes you lose out on someone like Bri. I need to excel for once in my life. Whoever I’m meant to be with is out there right now. I hope they are doing well. I hope they can understand the hurt I’ve caused others in the past. It’ll be hard not to compare anyone to Bri (there i go thinking of relationships too soon again). 

At the end of the day I feel as though I definitely got too comfortable. Kissing the other girl was something so brief and meaningless yet exciting I suppose, I have no excuses for my state of mind. Drunk isn’t an excuse. That excitement was never worth it. (That goes back to how physicality was such a big thing at the end of the day) But it showed me that if I could do something so random and hurtful, that I have serious reflecting to do. She was really willing to help me through so many struggles. But I think it’s best that she start clean. I know I shouldn’t to wait to approach her when I feel ready, but as far as I know, she will definitely be the first person I think of when I think of serious relationships/marriage. I hope she says she wants to be together again. I hope she also tells me she doesn’t. It might be best for everyone if she didn’t

Aside. from my yellow (maybe orange) flags, the ways she felt we were incompatible don’t matter if at the end of the day all you have is each other. You come home to ONE PERSON, not your friends. I hope our alternate timeline versions of ourselves are living unbothered. I’ll miss you Brianna. Goodbye. I’m not ashamed to admit you’ve been the best love I’ve ever experienced. You’ll get everything you deserve. (Just hoping it can be from me down the line.) 

[whenschristmascoming]

The Sunday you biked with Dad and couldn’t figure out the stupid shoes for the special cycling pedals (9/27/21)

I don’t think I know what I want. 

I mean of course I want to better my body, and find a good job. I want to find myself and become a better version of myself. But I don’t know if i can say I know what I want in the long run, in the endgame.

I care for and love her so much. And it eats me alive that I know that I’m nothing like the guy she thinks I can be. I want to talk to her. But I feel like exercising this restraint. Honoring and respecting the boundary she is setting, is an act of love. I don’t want to play with her feelings any more than I already have. I need to be SURE of what I want. I need to talk definitively. 

I think being unsure stems from the fact that I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if who I am becoming is something sustainable. I envision an idealized version of myself. How close I can get to that version is unsure. I feel like I can’t truly be myself unless I know how to be alone. I have been coping by texting the various friends that I can confide in, but it won’t ever be the same. You get bored of texting people you don’t love. Or at the very least, you realize you don’t have much to talk about, or want to talk about, because it won’t ever get any deeper than the platonic appreciation you established at the start. Dedicating myself to texting a friend every day in the same way we had sounds tiring, and useless.

I’m motivated to move out now. I even looked into temporary careers abroad. Teaching english in Spain or South Korea type of jobs. Don’t know how practical or concrete that will be. If I get one of the jobs I’m eyeing I’ll have to move out since the commute would be too much (the pay justifies it as well). But I think that’s another aspect of it all. I don’t have the competitive resume. I feel imposter syndrome with Subgenre. I need to find the Noel that is content. I need to find the Noel that challenges himself. I need to find the Noel that will be accountable for his actions and thinks harder before doing.

I hope she is doing well in Texas. I honestly wish I was there.

[whenschristmascoming]

Your first week lifting consistently (9/24/21)

Learning to be alone and self sufficient has been quite the journey. Not that I don’t have anyone to talk to, but the only person I want to talk to I know I shouldn’t. Not for any other reason than I know i need to learn to be on my own. Not on my own with the expectation that I’ll always be a lone. Rather, alone with the notion that if things were this way I’d have to know who I am and what I’m good for. idk if that makes sense. 

This week was good. I worked out three days in a row (rest day today). This is something I’m looking forward to. I applied to like 9 jobs (fingers crossed). I spent an hour or so alone at the park just vibing. Overall good week. My dreams however have been me reliving moments that get me mad. Being back in high school. Being around certain people I don’t fuck with. Things that get me irritable but remind me that that was a reality I lived, or could have lived. My nightmares are better because theyre extreme, impossible, and in return remind me that I’m safe and have much less to worry about when I wake up.

I wish I could say I’m anywhere near where I need to be. I still need a therapist. I still need a job. I still need to come to terms with the fact that things are this way all because of me. I know all this is much harder on Bri. It eats me away knowing that I’m gaining a positive aspect on certain things, while she tweets about how sad she is. I’m sure it won’t be this way forever. I really hope it isn’t this way forever. But I’m also trying to focus on what I know is best for me right now. Self improvement. 

Excited, fearful, guilty for things to come. I hope she can keep a similar faith. 

[whenschristmascoming]

The Sunday you spent the whole day in bed watching Season 3 of Sex Education. (9/19/21)

I don’t even feel like I have a full grasp on the mess I’ve made.

It’s fair to say that things have not been going well. I find it hard to eat when I’m anxious. Or guilty. Or Ashamed. I feel like I’m losing weight as I type this out (I’ve been especially anxious today). This isn’t the worse of my anxiety however. Which I guess brings me comfort, but not enough to give me appetite. 

The notion that I’m risking losing the best partner I’ve ever had worries me. Why would you break up with someone that gives you everything? For one, I fear getting complacent. Feeling comfortable. Being one of those men in the relationship that takes no initiative. That only shapes up after being threatened with a break up. I see that approaching if I don’t mature. I don’t want to be a young man in a dad’s body. Or find myself at 35 acting like I’m 25. 

Being on my own won’t be so bad, I don’t think. I have questions about myself I need to answer independent of our relationship. I need to properly find myself. I’m not scared of the possibility of not wanting to be together again. More so the fact that I may need more time than I realize. I haven’t been single singe sophomore year of high school. And even when I wasn’t dating exclusively I was always looking for something serious a little too quickly. I need to hit the breaks slightly to make sure I can be the long term committed man I had idealized myself to be. 

I need to stop looking for immediate answers to my problems. I need to learn to be in my negative emotions and to cope with them maturely and healthily.