#including but not limited to a sexuality crisis lol

[cozy-mp3]

and on the first day of pride month she has risen

[likealittleheartbeat]

I perhaps sacrificed clarity for wit in the wording of my poll: Which queer fiction experience would you prefer--queer representation without queer themes or queer themes without queer representation? "Queer," after all, has been famously hard to define among its theorists. On of the founders of its theory, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, does some work to articulate the history of its definitional flexibility in her article "Queer and Now." But I think Heather Love's introduction to Feeling Backwards gets at the heart of it, "When queer was adopted in the late 1980s it was chosen because it evoked a long history of insult and abuse--you could hear the hurt in it." This is what I mean when I say "queer" themes, messages that invoke and evoke the hurt.

Of course, as @irresistible-revolution pointed out in a question in the comments of the poll, "don't queer themes produce queer subjects." If queer is understood as the queer theorists define it, this is inevitably true. Words wrestle away from the theorists, though. If you do a tumblr or google search for queer representation, you can imagine what you find. LGBT identity--Q with it's variation between questioning and queer, though often included in the label, fails fabulously in crafting a workable identity; note it's lack of a pride flag or stripe--requires an affirmative action, which is why certain pieces of the narrative are so important to its politics. You need to come out, you need to make your identity visible (either visually, with public actions like marriage, dress, etc. or with speech, which brings us back to coming out), you need to have pride. Any failure to follow through with these acts puts your access to identity at risk. Identity is a potent political mobilizing force and has led to some pretty incredible legal changes in the past 70 years (although, as far as queer identity mobilization, the AIDS crisis certainly kicked that into overdrive beyond simple identity politics). This is what undergirds the general usage of "queer representation:" lgbt identity made visible and explicit. Identity, in this case, requires from its media the same as its subjects. They must be total and pure in their positive identification--positive, meaning additive, here, although the need for emotionally positive depictions seems to often follow--which is why so much discourse erupts about the quality of representation. The legitimate identification of the characters and the work in total is being debated.

If "queer" as the theorists posit it is about the hurt, it's about the open negative spaces where the barbs stuck in. To wrestle the word away from the academics for a second to talk about real life, instead, we LGBT-identified individuals might remember a time before our identity emerged or crystalized, when experiences of strangeness, difference, pain, and alienation were the markers we could recognize. Can this recognition exist in a representation, either a character or a human being's census marker? Perhaps--especially if we consider that's what the word queer is supposed to mean according to the academics lol. But, as the theorists realized when they tried to define it, the definition was liquid and dodged their attempts to pin it down. Describing it involved putting individuals in relationship to their hurt, to those that hurt them, to their attempts, failures, and successes to make peace with those injuries. I hear a proud voice in my head complaining that LGBT individuals should not be defined as disabled, deficient, or inherently traumatized by their gender or sexuality. Queerness, the hurt we hear in it, while it derived from the language hurled at certain gendered expressions that deviated from the conservative norm, elaborated a more general difference and expression of that difference in relation to others, so it wasn't limited to LGBT individuals (which is why it was so functional a theory for literary analysis that preceded those identity categories and tucked experiences and meanings into subtexts). You see, unlike identity, queerness is not individual but relational, relational with those with similar kinds of hurt but more importantly relational with the individuals and institutions opening the wounds.

This queer relationality blossoms into strange solidarity across what we would consider typical identity groups, because the shame or injury they experience because of their marginalization is familiar and understandable (Zuko and Aang are great examples of this). It also means that engagement with narrative is vastly more important than engagement with signifiers and visibility. Relating takes time. Even more dangerous to the tribalism of identity (that's often, as in the case of LGBT identity, established in the face of oppression) is the encouragement that queerness can engender to relate to those that caused them harm, to even empathize with the harm they might have incurred which caused them to project their hurt onto others or to the harm they feel but work to ignore caused by hurting others. In a way, this strips persecutors from their perceived sense of "normalcy." It queers them and returns them to profane, queer, humanity.

I created my poll while watching the anime Fruits Basket. It made me consider other animes like Neon Genesis Evangelion and Revolutionary Girl Utena, which draw LGBT-identified viewers in. All three shows depict cross-dressing and same-sex attraction but, two out of the three, conclude with heterosexual coupling for their happy endings, and Utena doesn't end with any of its same-sex couples together, exactly.* Despite this, the shows are rife with queer themes around parental abandonment, abuse, gender deviance, attachment, etc., more so (and much more successfully, I'd add) than a lot of proper shows with LGBT representation.

Closer to home for this blog, Avatar the Last Airbender is adored by LGBT identified people even as it lacks any LGBT representation (I won't compare it to LoK because it's more complicated than matters of representation to compare the sequel series quality and the subsequent admiration or lack of it). What moves these people in the show? I could be wrong, here, many people watch shows with a much less analytical and empathetic style than me. Yet, it's hard to ignore how prevalent the queer themes of Avatar the Last Airbender are. These narratives of disappointing and losing parental figures, attempting and failing to live up to expectations, betraying your own values in response to alienation and grief, embracing victimhood or villainy or savior status to garner a sense of self even if it is false until you find something truer. These are deeply queer themes not because only LGBT-identified people experience them but because they are in response to deep wells of hurt. What they result in when probed, however, is a world much more open to LGBT practices and queer practices. It's often thought said Katara and Aang's final kiss feels tacked on, as if it furnishes this queer text with a conservative heterosexual ending. Focusing merely on their genders, this ignores so many aspects of Katara and Aang's journey, of course, that make their particular heterosexual dynamic quite queer (their colonized status, their gender expressions, the development of their relationship beyond simple dynamics of hero and damsel in distress), not to mention the embrace between Zuko and Aang at Zuko's coronation that offers possibilities like 1800s style romantic friendships beyond the last scene. It's quite possible, I'm saying, that we love ATLA because its more queer than other explicitly LGBT offerings.

If it isn't clear, when choosing between the two options, I'd choose queer themes without queer representation. I appreciate the inclination toward the other. I want to see character allowed to have fall for and have sex with the same genders. I want to see characters who explore and transition with their genders and gender expressions. I yearn for characters like myself. But I recognize how hollow that can quickly turn. Who I am is more complex than a simply LGBT identity. In fact, there are plenty of LGBT characters and people I feel no personal connection to. Aang feels much closer to my personality than any explicitly gay character I've ever encountered. And I've often related to people who experienced marginalization because of their race and intellectual intensity much easier than I've related to anyone over their LGBT status. Representation is cool and interesting and can be explored in so many cool ways, and I love it and obsess over it, but it has it's limits, and one of them is that representation doesn't render good fiction. It's just a demographic. If you're into that stuff (and it's intricacies, like me), cool. Fiction just needs to take a little more time, breathe a little more, be a little more weird and long-winded and hurt, and by all that I mean queer.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I'm afab, nb, and bi. I'm in a very happy relationship with a cishet man who has always been completely fine with me being bi, but me being nb disturbed him a little, because I only told him some 6 months after we got together. By now he's accepted that I'm nb and is supportive, but can't wrap his head around what that makes him - if he's straight, how can he be attracted to me, a nb person? The thing is that, being bi, I can't wrap my head around this issue because for me gender has never played a role in my attraction to someone. Do you have any advice that might help him? Thanks so much.

lol I also often struggle to understand how people can be monosexual. Blows my mind. Anyway... I’m cis, so my perspective is kinda limited in terms of how deeply I can relate to your situation. But from what I know about non-binary people who are dating binary people it’s a very individual thing whether you (as the non-binary person) are okay with your partner identifying as monosexual (gay/lesbian or straight) or not. Some are cool with it and others aren’t, afaik.

And that, I think, is one important aspect here. If he identifies as straight - is that okay for you? Or does it feel like he misgenders you? That’s a question you can only answer for yourself and whatever result you come to, it’s something you should communicate to your partner. Let’s say it doesn’t bother you at all - well then I guess the problem is solved because he doesn’t have to change anything about his labels for your comfort. But if it doesn’t sit right with you and it does feel like you’re being misgendered then it’s something you and he should try to navigate with more nuance.

If he was the one messaging us about this I would explain the following: bisexuality means attraction to more than one gender. Those genders do not have to include any or both binary genders, which means someone who is attracted to women and any number of non-binary genders can call themselves bisexual because nb genders are just as valid and “complete” in being A Gender™ as the genders man and woman. He does not have to be attracted to men in order to identify as bisexual (or heteroflexible or queer, to name some alternatives). And he, as the partner of a non-binary person, might just have to learn to accept the fact that he is not monosexual and that he has the ability to be attracted to someone who is not a woman. But in order for that to really sink in, it’s important that he fully accepts and sees you as non-binary, not as “woman light”.

I am definitely compassionate with him in the sense that this is like a ~surprise! you’re not heterosexual!~ situation that is suddenly thrown at him out of left field. It’s not a process that started organically from within himself where he realised “hey, maybe I’m interested in multiple genders, let’s explore this at my own pace” but instead his partner went “btw I’m not a woman” and now he’s probably very confused what that means for him. And it is possible that if you had never told him you are nb he may have gone his whole life never questioning his sexuality and always identifying as straight. I can’t even begin to imagine how strange that must feel for him right now.

Which is, again, why I think it’s important you both have conversations about this. Plural! this isn’t one 30 minute session and then everything is said and done. It’s probably gonna take a lot of repetition and self-reflection and going back to old topics from months ago and checking back in with each other. And it’s important that there’s nuance, patience and understanding on both sides. You shouldn’t be expected to just swallow a feeling of being misgendered (if that’s what you’re feeling) and he shouldn’t be expected to just change his sexuality label over night like it’s no big deal - because the way he’s stumbled into this situation probably does feel like a very big and unexpected deal to him. This is totally not to put any blame on you - you had your reasons for coming out to him later. I get it, it’s not your fault at all. But from his pov... he literally didn’t sign up for a sexual identity crisis so I feel like one’s gotta cut him a liiiittle slack and give him space to digest and decide if he does wanna sign up for it retroactively, you know?

I would recommend that you try to conntect with people who have made similar experiences where one partner identified as monosexual and the other partner came out as a different gender (be it non-binary or the other binary gender). Some relationships break apart because of this, others grow even stronger. Either way, I’m sure that there are some people out there who can help with some first-hand experience.

Maddie

[keplercryptids]

nonfiction LGBTQ+ books i read this year

i read a lot this year, and a good chunk of it was LGBTQ+ nonfiction. so i thought it might be nice to list what i read. as a note, many of these books deal with LGBTQ history in the United States. too often, mainstream US-centric LGBTQ texts focus on white middle-class cisgender folks, though I’ve done my best to balance that as much as possible with other perspectives. (that being said, if you got ‘em, i would LOVE book recommendations that tackle worldwide/non-white LGBTQ issues!)

Accessibility notes: Given the nature of the genre, there’s a lot of intense discussion re: homophobia and transphobia. Basically every book listed covers those things to some extent, and I’ve specified where there’s additional potentially triggering content. (If you have specific questions about triggers, please let me know!) also, some of these books are on the academic side. I’ve done my best to note when a book was very academic or when I found it to be more readable. (full disclosure on that note: I’m a college grad and voracious reader without any reading-specific learning disabilities, so my opinion may be different than yours!) as a final note, I was able to access most of these as e-books/audiobooks through my local library. I live in a major metropolitan area, if that gives you any idea of how easy it’ll be for you to find these books. I’ve noted when a book was more difficult to get my hands on.

History

Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940 by George Chauncey. As the title suggests, this book focuses on gay male communities in NYC pre-World War 2. Even with that limited scope, this is an important read to better understand gay male history in the early 20th century. Gay communities thrived in the early 1900s and this snapshot of that is really wonderful. This is definitely more of an academic read, but I highly recommend it. while it definitely focuses on white middle-class gay men, there was more discussion of poor and/or gay men of color than i had actually expected, so that’s nice. (CW for rape and sexual assault, homophobic violence and medicalization of homosexuality.)

Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville. Finally, a book about queer history that actually talks about black people! I was expecting more of a history book, whereas this was more of a critique of specific novels, plays and movies of the early 1900s and was way more focused than i was expecting. don’t get me wrong, I majored in English lit so i’m super into that kind of analysis as well, it just wasn’t as far-reaching as I would have liked. Also, it’s very academic. (Only the print version was available at my library.) (CW for racism, mentions of slavery.)

Transgender History by Susan Striker. This book describes itself as an “approachable introductory text” to transgender history in the US, which I agree with. It’s a pretty short read given the enormity of the topic, so it doesn’t go into much detail about specific groups or events, but imo it’s a good introduction. Especially interesting to me was the information about where and when TERF ideology began. Academic but on the easier-to-read side. (CW for transphobia, gross TERF rhetoric, brief mentions of the AIDS crisis, police violence.)

Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. okay so, I gave this 1 star. it’s probably a good book if you know absolutely nothing about US LGBTQ history and want an intro, but a review on goodreads said that it should be called Gay Assimilation instead and i completely agree. Faderman focuses on white middle-to-upper class gay and lesbian assimilationists, often at the expense of radical queer and trans people of color. The latter is hardly mentioned at all, which is ridiculous given trans folks’ contributions to the LGBTQ movement. When radical people ARE mentioned, it’s often in a disparaging way, or in a way that positions the radicals as too extreme. Faderman constantly repeats the refrain that the fight for LGBT rights was “just like what black people did for their rights” without any addendum about why that is...not a good take. There’s no meaningful discussion of race, class or intersectionality. She lauds Obama as a hero for the gays and there’s a ton (I mean a TON) of content about how military acceptance + gay marriage = we won, or whatever. anyway, i wasn’t a fan, although many of the events and organizations discussed in this book are important to know just from a factual basis. (CW for all the stuff I mentioned, plus police violence, medicalization of homosexuality. it’s also fucking LONG so i recommend the audiobook, lol.)

Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States by Joey L. Mogul,  Andrea J. Ritchie, and Kay Whitlock. This is “a searing examination of queer experiences--as ‘suspects,’ defendants, prisoners, and survivors of crime.” A frequently upsetting but super important read about how LGBTQ identities have been policed in the past, and currently are policed today. i wish there was more focus on trans folks, but other than that it’s a solid read. (CW for all the things you’d expect a book about policing and imprisoning LGBTQ folks to include: police and institutionalized violence, sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia.)

Stonewall by Martin Duberman. This book follows the lives and activism of six LGBTQ folks before, during and after the Stonewall riots. Note: Stonewall itself is only discussed in one chapter about 2/3 of the way through, the rest of the book dedicated to the six individuals’ lives and activism up to and after that point. It’s a history book with a strong narrative focus that I found to be a fairly accessible read. (CW for minors engaging in sex work and sexual predation by adults, sexual and domestic violence, police violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide.)

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts. This is a HEAVY but really important read about the AIDS epidemic in the US, tracking the disease and the political/cultural response from about 1980-1985. It’s journalistic nonfiction, so although it’s a very long book I found it easier to read than more academic-y books. the only thing i really disliked was how the book demonized “Patient Zero” in quite unfair ways, but it was originally published in ‘87 so that explains part of it. I want to stress again that it’s heavy, as you’d expect a book about thousands of deaths to be. (CW: oh boy where to start. Graphic descriptions of disease/death, graphic descriptions of sex, medical neglect, republican nonsense.)

Memoirs, essays, etc

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote. i felt mixed about this one! i appreciated the different perspectives regarding gender and desire, especially since this anthology contains a lot of essays by people who came of age in the 60s-80s (so there’s a historical bent too). but some of the essays feel dated, at best, and offensive at worst. there was more than one instance of TERF-y ideology thrown in. probably 1/4 of the essays were really really great, and i’d still recommend reading it in order to form your own opinions--also, imo it’s useful to see where TERF ideology comes from. this book was harder to find, and i had to order a print version through interlibrary loan. (CW for a few TERFy essays. i read this earlier in the year so it’s possible i’m forgetting some other triggers, sorry!)

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by (editors) Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman. Serving as a follow-up of sorts to Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, this is a collection of narratives by transgender and gender-nonconforming folks. While not “history” in a technical sense, many of the writers are 30+ and give a wide array of LGBTQ+ experiences, past and present, that are important. I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint, of course, duh! But some of the essays were really powerful and overall it’s a good read. (CW for one essay about eating disorders, some outdated language/reclaimed slurs as to be expected--language is one of the main themes of the collection actually so the “outdatedness” is important.)

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt. A memoir published in 1995, focusing on Minnie’s life, marriage, gender identity, eventual coming out and relationship with Leslie Feinberg. i really enjoyed this one. it was beautifully written. there are many erotic elements to this memoir so keep that in mind. also was a little harder to get, and i had to order a print version via interlibrary loan. (i read this awhile ago and can’t remember specific triggers, sorry! if anyone knows of some, please let me know.)

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya. A memoir by a trans woman ruminating on masculinity. it’s beautiful and very short (truly more of a longform essay), so it’s a good one if you don’t have the attention span/time for longer books. (CW for sexism, harassment, transphobia.)

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. god, this memoir is gorgeous and is one of my favorite books of the year. it chronicles Audre’s childhood in Harlem and her coming-of-age in the 1950s as a lesbian. ultimately, this is a book about love and that resonates throughout every page. idk can you tell i loved this book so much??? (CW for child abuse, sexual assault, a friend’s suicide, racism.)

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib. suuuuch a good book! Samra writes about her life as she and her family arrive in Canada as refugees from Pakistan in her early childhood, onto her life today as a queer Muslim woman of color, photographer and activist. beautifully written and just such an important perspective. Only the print version was available at my library. (CW for child sexual assault, a suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, non-graphic mentions of domestic violence, racism and sexism.)

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kababe. this is a beautifully illustrated graphic novel memoir about the author’s journey of discovering eir identity as queer. i related to a lot of it, which was great on a personal level, but i also think it could be a great educational tool for those wanting to know more about gender queerness (especially for those who prefer graphic novels!) (CW for gender dysphoria, descriptions of gynecological exams, imagery of blood and a couple pages depicting being impaled, some nudity, vomit.)

[golden-witch]

I wrote an incredibly long character study for Sayo for an RP group. I am deciding to share because some fans have difficultly figuring her out because of Ryukishi’s writing style, which is honestly understandable. I hope y’all enjoy! I have some other writings about Sayo you could also check out. More under read-more.

Sayo was once a happy girl whose suffering transformed her into a woman with a polarized personality and a warped sense of justice. She has suffered emotional abuse at the hands of the Ushiromiya family and their associates. Born an orphan, she grew up neglected and without friends that weren’t imaginary. Daydreaming was a means of entertainment and escapism for Sayo. She created her own mental safe space called the Golden Land in order to cope with her miserable life. This would develop into a spiritual way of thinking and ultimately become the land of the dead in Sayo’s conceptualization of religion. 

It was always Sayo’s desire to blend fantasy with reality. Even as a little girl, she tried to bring her imagination to life by inventing the Golden Witch, a supposed ghost who haunted the halls of the mansion where she worked. Sayo would use this as a means to empower herself. Beatrice was a persona she assumed, and under her name, Sayo would pull pranks and cause mischief for the inhabitants of Rokkenjima both to enhance the veracity of the witch’s legend and to vent her anger towards the staff and her family for mistreating her. 

Sayo’s more vindictive personality traits would increase as she grew older. Although she had begun to impersonate the witch for fun, it became a power fantasy for her, and her acting would become dangerous. Sayo’s fear of abandonment caused her to cling to Battler Ushiromiya, and when he left the island, the hateful side of her began to fester. She anxiously waited for his return and blamed him for tragedies which befell her during their separation because he promised to save her from Rokkenjima. She became vengeful towards Battler and chose him as the target of her murder-suicide game, an ultimate act of retribution for leaving her to suffer.

The knowledge Sayo uncovered during Battler’s absence radically transformed the way she viewed herself. She was never satisfied with herself and had many suspicions about her body but learning the truth about her background was catastrophic. She considers herself deeply undeserving of other’s affection out of disgust towards herself-- largely affected by the circumstances of her birth;  she is an illegitimate child and a product of incest with disfigured sex organs due to an accident she sustained. Personal difficulty with discerning her gender causes her to suffer from an identity crisis so severe that she doesn’t view herself as human. This complex results in Sayo calling herself “furniture”, a being below humans whose sole purpose is servitute. Furniture can never know love, but they can still dream of what it feels like to love and be loved-- a torturous existence where all romantic endeavors end in tragedy. 

Love is a very important concept to Sayo. She has troubles with introversion and as a result forms bonds so deep that they are integral parts of her being.  She values relationships over material things and feels so strongly about connecting to others that she will go to great lengths to solidify relationships. While endearing, it has more dangerous side effects including possessiveness; once Sayo has become close to someone, she does everything in her power to avoid abandonment. This goes to extreme lengths in the story, where Sayo prefers to commit murder and suicide in order to prevent her loved ones from abandoning her.

Sayo is extremely sensitive towards the prospect of people discovering the state of her body and mind. She seeks to fulfill other’s desires before her own and is terrified of traits which displease them. She pushes these left over thoughts and feelings onto a series of personas to categorize them. They are Shannon, Kanon, and the witch, Beatrice. It should be noted that Sayo does not have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), rather she establishes characters to roleplay and does so convincingly.

‘Shannon’ is the work name Sayo wears while serving the Ushiromiya family as a maid. She has been developed into a persona, an idealized form of femininity. Shannon is a demure, heartfelt girl whose desire is to retire to domestic life with her husband and children. She is meant to fulfill Sayo’s fantasy of becoming a woman and a wife. Her concept of womanhood is limited and very gendered, bordering on stereotypical. 

‘Kanon’ is a male alter-ego (once an imaginary friend) who Sayo adopted due to her struggle with gender identity because of her unclear biological sex. He is her vision of what a boy should be like; crass, cold and impersonal, a protective persona meant to shield Shannon’s vulnerabilities. He is especially resentful of love and magic because of Sayo’s partial realization that her fantasies have a dark side. The traits Sayo gave to Shannon and Kanon are very polarizing, and the two often debate in her daydreams as she considers who she wants to be and what steps she must take to achieve that. Kanon opposes the massacre and wishes for life on Rokkenjima to continue as normal so that he can fulfill his relationship with Jessica, in part, and because he tries to be satisfied with his lot in life. When Sayo realizes that this is impossible due to the discoveries about her background, Kanon advocates for suicide rather than murder. He fails to convince Sayo because he is ultimately more passive and less dominant that the Shannon persona. This also causes Kanon to die during the duel.

‘Beatrice’ is the character Sayo play-acts as to fulfill a power fantasy. Beatrice represents the sadistic, vindictive side of Sayo’s psyche, traits she rarely displays in Shannon or Kanon. While operating under her Beatrice persona, Sayo channels her mischievous side into ‘magic’, pranks which vary from harmless to murderous. Beatrice embodies lost hopes and dreams for Sayo; for example, her voluptuous form, her sexual prowess, and her role as the family head are all impossible for Sayo to have. Beatrice is an unreachable ideal for Sayo. An interesting aspect I have noticed about Beatrice is her behavior, which is neither overly feminine (like Shannon) or masculine (like Kanon). Sayo blended these traits to create a woman who didn’t fit neatly into the two boxes of gender stereotypes. 

It is in this persona that Sayo commits her murder-suicide plot; Beatrice is the judge, juror, and executioner sent to cleanse the sins of Rokkenjima. She will kill the family and taken them with her to the Golden Land. She is almost godly, sent to Rokkenjima to enact divine justice.

The Golden Land and magic are religious concepts to Sayo which she has developed extensively over the years. She has a bit of a god-complex over the island as its master and believes, with conviction, that killing herself and her loved ones will transport them to this private heaven. Sayo will act on any means to actualize this dream and has no qualms with manipulating or hurting others to see her plans to fruition. She has decided this is the only way she can ever be happy. This includes grooming a child into a cult following with Beatrice as a sort of religious figure. While it began as an innocent game, Sayo warped Beatrice’s lore to brainwash Maria into believing that death was the only way to end her mother’s abuse instead of acting in Maria’s best interest and trying to intervene. She is incredibly passive and waits for miracles to change fate, miracles which would unfortunately never occur. At the end of the series, she realizes that she could have been more proactive in changing her life and others.

Sayo becomes a changed person after the events of Episode 6. She has finally accepted her mistakes and realized what she could have done to avoid Rokkenjima’s tragedy. In the Episode 8 manga, which I HIGHLY recommend reading (bc its better than the vn lol), she is able to confront a hysterical Ange and convince her that suicide and self destruction is not the answer to anyone’s problems. Sayo fully forgives the family for their actions and is able to move on, finally achieving peace in the afterlife where she exists happily with Battler.

You can find more writings about Sayo in my writings page.

[englacial]

ok this will probably be the only time i post about this but i just really wanted to make a post apologizing for my unreliability in activity here & the fact that i basically ghosted some very good friends who absolutely didn’t deserve that with no explanation -- nothing prompted this & things seem to be all good but i don’t want anyone thinking i just dropped off the map for no reason so im gonna give just a little insight to everything that’s been going on ! (long post ahead) <3

as a lot of my friends here know, in february of 2017 i got married (i was 19 and can say with certainty now it was a huge mistake & i made a hasty and immature decision but really could not see that at the time), i was super excited, felt like i was in a good relationship & was finally able to live my life, all that good sappy stuff -- so i literally moved across the country into a totally new state away from my friends & family with a fresh start with this person thinking that this was a great way to get out of my abusive living situation (as some of you who have been w me a long time may recall i got kicked out, was briefly homeless, and my life fell to literal shit) and also have someone who cared about me. but as some people suspected (and im really sorry for not taking your concerns for me more seriously, i know now that i shouldn’t have treated it so flippantly, i was just really blinded by my love for this person and i don’t think anyone could’ve gotten through) it was just... not all i made it out to be. he was really abusive and controlling and i made excuses for him and defended him, i let myself excuse a lot of things, wrote off any and all red flags, and ended up alienating a lot of friends (and family) who were just worried about me.

there were several moments later in my relationship that i started to realize what was happening, but i tried really hard to fix it within our relationship. i literally convinced myself i could change him. i pushed for counseling, group therapy, self help books, literally ANYTHING i could in an attempt to get him to see what he did. at one point i even sat down in the car with him to discuss things that needed fixing and he told me to my face that he didn’t think i deserved things. like direct quote “i just don’t feel like you deserve things”.

it was bad, but i was still making excuses and still convinced he was a good person with good intentions just misdirected. (i was way off). 

it wasn’t until january of this year that i kind of had the biggest wake up call as to the things he was putting me through and that he just... wasn’t a good person, and it took him divorcing me for it to really hit me everything that happened. 

in january, he announced out of the blue that he was divorcing me but that he still wanted a relationship with me but that he felt we needed to “work on ourselves separately” to do better in our relationship. i ignorantly believed him at first  and for a few months post-divorce we had an “open relationship” (really just his way of having his cake and eating it to, he wanted all the benefits of a relationship with me without the work and i didn’t realize that initially), however i pretty quickly found out this was him wanting to control me and still have the romantic/sexual benefit he got from our relationship without the burden of having to actually communicate and work on himself the way he claimed. he watched me get a job, get my own car, and do everything i was supposed to without him ever lifting a finger to do hard work on himself & eventually i got fed up. over the few months of getting divorced i found out that he stole over $500 from me to buy my plane ticket home + a ticket for himself (the money was from savings i had for a camera so  i could start doing photography, i thought he had ordered the camera but he actually used all of the money for the plane ticket which i only discovered later when .. lol, my camera never showed up and i confronted him), he gave me only 20 days to collect my things and arrange a new living situation (which put me back in the home of my abusive mom whom i still have to live with), made numerous threatening and scary posts about me on his social media accounts, i discovered he’d been cheating with potentially multiple women (when he shipped back some of the remainder of my possessions, there were clothes and beauty products that didn’t belong to me among them), i found transphobic posts he’d written about me being nonbinary & literally just SO MUCH other stuff that was absolutely unacceptable. 

there’s way to much that happened post-divorce to even go into and this isn’t even including the things that occurred WHILE we were married. it just wasn’t a good thing at all.

in the midst of all of this, very recently, he alerted me no more than 6 months AFTER our alleged divorce at the beginning of july to tell me that the paperwork got kicked back to him and we were never actually divorced and that he had known SINCE BEFORE I HAD GOTTEN HOME that we weren’t officially divorced. it’s been a struggle getting things sorted, he’s committed all sorts of fraud, tricked me into sending nudes to him (yikes), and a whole number of things that have made me really begin to unpack how unhealthy and abusive our relationship was from the start.

he isolated me from all of me friends, regularly would encourage me to cut ties with people i cared about, and even limited my time online which cut into hobbies like this that i really enjoy. additionally, when we would visit my hometown, he would primarily want to spend time with his own family & wouldn’t give me much time to see mine. there were some other abusive things that happened within the relationship prior to him announcing he was divorcing me, but they’re personal so i won’t go into a lot of detail but it was just very, very bad.

all of this are literal classic warning signs of abuse and i just... really fell for it. it makes me really ashamed to admit that, as someone who has been abused my whole life, i basically fell right into this trap all over again.

on top of all of this and the legal battles resulting, i have been dealing with a medical crisis linked back to a car accident in september of 2017. ive had a lot of bad stuff happen with my health that were tied to the misalignment of my neck and back that i DID NOT EVEN KNOW were related until only a few months ago when i got a second opinion from a much more experienced and adept doctor. ive had multiple surgeries from complications related to injuries i had initially been told didn’t exist, i’ve literally spent thousands of dollars for things that actually could’ve very simply been avoided had my spine been treated properly after my accident.

all of this has just... really taken me out of the rp scene but also made me a really shitty and unreliable friend. being in a controlling relationship isolated me from a lot. ive lost a lot of friends because i was in survival mode even after the relationship ended. i regret that a lot and i understand that it’s hard to be friends with someone when they are not present so ive been working a lot on myself nd how i communicate with the people i love when i feel unable to be in their lives for periods of time for one reason or another.

so now im 22 and divorced with the back problems of a 83 year old who’s three times divorced lmao it’s literally like... i sometimes feel a lot of shame for what i let myself go through but i know it’s not my fault that the person i thought i loved and thought loved me ended up not being who he said he was.

it sucked. there was a lot that happened that i can’t begin to even summarize. i still have some sleepless nights where i wonder why i wasn’t able to see it then when it was literally blatantly obvious what was happening, but hindsight is 20/20.

now, i can pretty happily say i am in a MUCH better situation. things are not perfect (im literally living with an abusive parent again and yikes but it is not near as bad as when i was a teenager), but i am no longer in a relationship that was about the convenience of using me more than it was caring about me, and alllllll of my medical stuff has an active treatment plan that has been working wonders for me!!! (yay!) 

so i just wanted to firstly apologize for my inability to be in people’s lives the way ive wanted to. i know that this is hurtful and not ok. it was wrong of me to ghost and leave people wondering where i was or what i was doing and there’s no excuse for that tbh. im actively working to be more present in the lives of people i care about as well as communicate more when i am not able to be that present. it’s taken a lot to get to that point, and i want to secondly affirm that my inability to be consistent and reliable with this hobby as well as consistent and reliable as a friend has nothing to do with any kind of personal slight i had with anyone or anything else. it’s been a rough few years, it took me a long time to see that i was in a situation that was harming me, and there was a lot of fallout as a result. 

rest assured, i intend to do a lot better about being here now that i feel like im properly adjusted. you can expect me to be a lot more communicative if i take time away and a lot more attentive to the things and relationships that i want in my life. ive taken way too much shit and let myself sacrifice too many people and situations for ONE person whose end goal was nothing more than using me to his convenience. i am not going to lose that again.

im in a much healthier relationship, taking care of the responsibilities i have as an adult, and have an active treatment plan for my various health needs that has improved my condition significantly. like, ya’ll.... life may not be perfect right now but it’s pretty damn good from where it was nd im excited to continue to grow and do better (for real this time) especially now that i feel like i can do the things i love again (like writing here with all of you lovely people).

thanks for reading!! sorry things have been sporadic, unreliable, confusing, and that i haven’t been a very good friend. i recognize these things & want to prove that i can do better now that i have a handle on things.

[ichliebdich]

gimme some STONY

Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!

general

rate the ship

awful | ew | no pics pls | i’m not comfortable | alright | i like it! | got pics? | let’s do it! | why is this not getting more attention?! | the OTP to rule all other OTPs

how long will they last?

quite a long time until they have a falling out where the argument is suffocating their relationship. at that point, steve would have to be the one to initiate the break up because tony wouldn’t even think of leaving him no matter what, he doesn’t want to let him go and he doesn’t want to see him go.

how quickly did/will they fall in love?

about as fast as watching paint dry or the grass grow. they don’t realize it until long after and even so, they’d deny it, tony more so than steve.

how was their first kiss?

after going through their signature arguments, tony gets frustrated to the point where he just grabs steve by his face and kisses him. it was a very awkward moment, especially for tony considering he just realized what he just did and he’s internally suffering at that point. steve just stands there with tony’s hand still on his face, ( sexually ) confused and stunned. they haven’t admit it, but they liked it.

wedding:

who proposed? 

you would think it’d be steve, but it’s actually tony! he likes to show off but at the same time, he’s pretty straightforward about it, so he’ll lay it out on steve with a very, VERY expensive ring.

who is/are the best man/men?

rhodey, thor, t’challa and bucky. peter is their ring boy. :’)

who is/are the maids? 

pepper is the maid of honor. shuri, nataliya and pretty much the rest of the girls in marvel are the maids!

who did the most planning?

tony –– steve would try to include himself but tony would not let him, he’s not fixing to have an old fashioned wedding, NOT ON HIS WATCH. he wants it to be modern and even better!

who stressed the most?

tony. he’s a huge perfectionist. he sees ONE thing out of place or any mistake whatsoever and he’ll have a midlife crisis. steve is trying to calm his fiancé down as if it’s not a big deal.

tony: BUT IT IS A BIG DEAL, I NEED THIS TO BE PERFECT, STEVE, NOT FOR ME BUT FOR THE BOTH OF US.

steve: …. tony, are you on your cycle?

tony:

how fancy was the ceremony?

back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | normal church wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | kate and william wish they were this big.

who was specifically not invited to the wedding?

deadpool. my poor boy…

sex

who is on top?

we all know it’s steve from how much tony wants it.

who is the one to instigate things? 

tony’s always vaguely asking for it. if only you can see the way he “unintentionally” leans forward on the counter, showing off his ass or the way he runs his hand over steve’s arm or gives him a few pats on the butt LMAO

how healthy is their sex life? 

barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | they are humping each other on the couch right now

how kinky are they?

straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

how long do they normally last? 

sometimes it’ll be brief ( typically 5-10 minutes more or less ), other times it’ll be long––it depends on their mood. but if tony’s in one of those “moods” where he keeps telling steve what to do when he’s not quite satisfied until steve has enough of it… 

do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms?

not particularly. tony would try but he’d always end up forgetting about it because his head would end up being too clouded to remember. steve doesn’t really think or are about it, he’ll give and he’ll have something in return regardless.

how rough are they in bed? 

softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | the bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne johnson blush. also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

how much cuddling/snuggling do they do?

no touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | a little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | they snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

children:

how many children will they have naturally? 

well they can’t exactly reproduce, so none.

how many children will they adopt? 

one or two –– three is the maximum.

who gets stuck with the most diapers?

STEVE. tony refuses to go near them, he has no desire of dealing with the struggle, let alone risking the chance of getting peed on.

who is the stricter parent? 

out of the two, probably tony even though he’s laid back himself. that doesn’t mean that the child would be able to do whatever they want though, there’s always a limit to what they can do.

who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school?

both of them. 

who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? 

both do but it’s not like they’d ever forget because there’s f.r.i.d.a.y. to help keep in check too!

who is the more loved parent? 

both! steve and tony are best dads.

who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?

either or. if tony’s too busy, steve would go and vice versa but both would go when given the chance.

who cried the most at graduation?

tony, he’s weeping on steve’s shoulder. watching them grow is too much for him…

who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law?

BOTH. no way either of them are gonna allow them to get in that sort of trouble… tony would be so dramatic as to show up in his iron man suit BECAUSE HE’S HAVING NONE OF THAT, meanwhile, steve would simply step in and stop them from doing anything reckless.

cooking:

who does the most cooking?

y’all know it be stevie :>

who is the most picky in their food choice?

tony… he’d literally tell steve what he wants and how he likes it, but sometimes he’d change his mind so it becomes a hassle for steve. and if tony gets what he doesn’t want or feel like eating, he’d whine about it until steve shuts him up by shoving the food in his mouth because Enough is Enough™

who does the grocery shopping?

sometimes steve but tony just has f.r.i.d.a.y. order for them.

how often do they bake desserts?

once in a while for certain occasions or if they feel like it. 

are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? 

they’re pretty much both. they like themselves a properly balanced meal.

who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? 

tony! he’d be cheesy about it too. he had to stall steve when he’s out, cause he kept burning the food. he could’ve just ordered fancy food, but he wanted it to be special and personal. he tries hard, at least.

who is more likely to suggest going out? 

sometimes both or either of them, but mostly tony. he likes homemade food, but having a nice variety of cuisines from many of his favorite restaurants would be refreshing and nice to have every so often or at least once in a while.

who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? 

tony…… he’s almost done it about five times. luckily his own house is “smart” enough to prevent it from happening

chores:

who cleans the room? 

steve does it mainly because it keeps him active inside. tony doesn’t because he’s too full of himself. and too lazy. #bigmood.

who is really against chores?

tony’s against doing them. steve asks him to do one small task and tony’ll sigh in exasperation as if he was asked to run a marathon across the world. he’d decline the demand by using “i’m busy!” as an excuse when he’s not even busy.

who cleans up after the pets?

steve… starting to look like he’s the housewife here haha.

who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? 

tony, but then he’d get called out by f.r.i.d.a.y.

who stresses the most when guests are coming over? 

tony! he expects the place to be clean for the most part and thats when he ACTUALLY cleans the house––tony makes steve help because he doesn’t want one spec of dust anywhere at all (bless steve’s soul for having to deal with tony’s pushy ass). 

who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning?

steve!

tony: oh look, you got your daily allowance.

steve: 

misc:

who takes the longer showers/baths? 

definitely tony. he likes to soak in and relax. steve makes it short and brief unless tony makes him take a bath with him.

who takes the dog out for a walk? 

steve. tony’s always busy with some kind of work.

how often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays?

as often as they can, unless something bad doesn’t come up. 

what are their goals for the relationship? 

to tolerate each other? they like to see how well they could negotiate in any situation they would argue. who knows, maybe there will come a time where they won’t argue over tony’s decisions or steve’s actions. (NOT).

who is most likely to sleep till noon?

tony, he’s such a sleepy head after using so much of his head. steve would take the time to do whatever he likes without getting judged or commented on for it LOL

who plays the most pranks? 

ooh, this is interesting –– tony would initiate the pranks, mostly with his creations while some are other stuff and steve would always make a comeback for them.

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

How did you know you wanted to do psych? I've been going back and forth between majors and I just have no idea where to go

So I actually wanted to do pre-vet since I was like 5 years old lol. And I started college as a pre-vet major, but quickly found out that the classes were NOT as fun as I had hoped, and I was struggling to understand or enjoy the content. I had a bit of a life crisis about wtf to do during the middle of my freshman year of college, and thankfully I was at a liberal arts college, so they forced you to take a diverse range of classes. I first took an Intro to Sociology class randomly, and LOVED it. I found people and their mannerisms and interactions so interesting. Then I took Intro to Psych, and found that really intriguing too. 

I knew I wanted to have a career with helping others in some way, be it people or animals and physically or mentally, and I realized that social sciences interested me more than the natural sciences (and the content made more sense to me than trying to learn microscopic stuff that I can’t see with my own eyes in the biology and chemistry classes). Therefore, I switched my major to psych, since the requirements also included some sociology, social work, and anthropology classes, and figured I’d discover more what I wanted to do by the time I graduated. I don’t think I instantly “knew” I wanted to stick with psych until I took a few more classes. Social Psychology and Human Sexuality were the two psych classes that solidified things for me, and I realized that yes, I wanted to work with people as a therapist of some sort. I think that was during my junior year of college, that I took those. 

Tbh, if I went back and did it again, I’d probably get my Bachelor’s in social work instead of psychology. It wasn’t until my senior year of college that I realized a bachelor’s in psychology doesn’t allow you to do very much...at all. At least not for therapy, which was what I wanted to do. And for psychology, most programs after Bachelor’s level are for Phd or PsyD programs, which are pretty intensive. There were more options for a Masters degree in social work, and if I had gotten my Bachelor’s in Social Work, I might’ve qualified to trim a year off my grad school program, since BSWs could do an advanced standing at a lot of grad school programs, where you complete the MSW a year faster than those who have Bachelor degrees in other subjects, such as psychology. However, the grad school program I wanted was a dual masters for an MSW and MEd, so that’s how I then switched over to social work. Which I’m glad I did, because it fits my career goals a bit better than sticking with psychology would’ve. 

So, I guess I’d say what is it that you want to do long-term, for your career? If you have an idea of the kind of job you’re hoping to obtain, then I’d look online at companies that hire those positions, and see what their credential requirements are (I wish I had thought to do that earlier in my undergrad years). Some degrees are really flexible, like a social work degree, whereas others not so much. So, if you’re not totally sure what you want to do, but have a general idea of the field you’re interested in, maybe look up degrees that are more diverse and give you more options later, so that you’re not pigeon-holed into an area of study that you later aren’t happy with. And don’t feel pressured if you don’t know exactly what you want to do! We always feel expected to have our lives figured out by a certain age, but there’s no time limit on these things. I enjoy being a therapist now, but who’s to say I won’t wanna try something else in ten years? lol. But if you know what interests you and where your passion lies, and can figure out some steps on how to working towards making a successful career out of that passion, then you’re heading in the right direction :)

[worthyofluv]

Redefining What it Means to be a Strong Woman

I used to cringe when someone would tell me that I was a strong black woman. It literally made me sick to feel like the world mostly only saw me as strong, when deep down I knew I was more than that. And to be honest, I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak, and what I needed most was to be seen, heard, understood and felt as opposed to being told to persevere through any and everything. I had been strong long enough and I was tired. Tired of pushing myself beyond my limits, tired of walking out into the world with a mask, tired of abusive relationships, just fucking tired. I was so over life that I contemplated death many times. “Who would care?” “Do I even matter?” are the questions that would cross my mind. Being strong was killing me, literally. 

What I Observed From Working With White Women

In most of my roles, I was usually “the only one” or one out of a few WOC. While working at one particular job (that shall remain unnamed) I noticed that the women carried themselves with a certain kind of ease that I personally had to give myself permission to access. These white women danced so effortlessly in their femininity as if they had their own personal choreographer. It was thought provoking.

Being raised by resilient black queens, naturally, I embody strength, but I had never been taught to embody softness. Too many of us were raised in broken households and had front row seats to the single mother struggle, so we go out into the world with all this fire, but no awareness on how to put it out sometimes. We develop a rigorous work ethic, get into relationships where we want to be the boss and try to be everything for everyone and wonder why we’re so burned out. I am grateful for the resilience that has been passed down in my DNA, but what I learned on my journey is that being strong all the time isn’t my true nature, it’s actually counterintuitive to my true nature. So, it makes perfect sense that life was overwhelming for me, because I wasn’t in alignment with my inner being.

At first glance, it appeared that these women were privileged to be able to live a life true to their womanhood, knowing that they’d always be safe and protected. But then, I realized that I too had access to this way of being and that it is my birthright to be everything that I am meant to be. I learned that I can reclaim my power back by reframing my beliefs around a situation, or finding the better feeling thought; the thought that is most in alignment with my true self.

Intimate Relationships

I saw a post on Instagram that said something along the lines of “Being a martyr is not synonymous with being loyal. Abuse, disrespect and neglect are not prerequisites for a relationship and that as women, we need to dead the idea that we have to go through hell and back to be worthy of love.”

And that’s all I gotta say about that.

What Does it Mean to be a Strong Woman?

In my personal journey, I had to get to know every part of myself, every part of what makes me who I am (and I’m still learning.) I believe that we are multidimensional beings with multiple egos; multiple identities. But during our conditioning, we somehow adapt to what we are told we should become, and we lose sight of our inner child. That part of us that knows no limits, that wants to be an artist, a dancer, a police officer and a chef all in the same day. We forget how to play; we get serious and we conform to a life that many don’t even realize they have conformed to until they have a midlife crisis. Without a strong foundation of self, we become a reflection of what society tells us to be. In a world that is constantly trying to tell you how to live your life, true strength is taking the time to get to know yourself and existing as your fullest expression of self. Furthermore, strength isn’t always about doing or executing. Sometimes there is strength in taking a step back, pausing, or just chilling the fuck out.

Some examples of strength might include:

Your manager telling you “you’re just not the right fit,” and your ability to walk out of her office without reacting and simultaneously telling yourself “she’s wrong, I AM qualified and capable, but it wasn’t my blessing.”

Allowing yourself to rest when tired

Allowing yourself to do the bare minimum when you just can’t that day

Taking a day off to do nothing

Surrendering

Giving yourself permission to play

Asking for what you want/need

Shutting down the Christian mother of the guy who you hooked up with when she tried to slut shame you. I can be both a Queen and sexually liberated. It’s my body and I have autonomy over how I use it.

Walking away from an unhealthy relationship even though you love that person

Crying

Seeking therapy

Giving yourself permission to feel the feels

Feeling hurt, but operating from a place of integrity

Not knowing the answer and being ok with not knowing the answer

Forgiving others

Forgiving your self

Apologizing

Speaking your truth

Listening

Protecting your energy

Saying “damn, I fucked up. What could I have done differently in that situation”?

Immediately blocking a guy who asks you for your IG, and his first comment is “wow, you lost allot of weight” ….by your standards, I may not be fat anymore, but lemme tell you what is phat. Lol. Your loss asshole.

Saying “actually, I like my body the way it is”

Saying “I disagree”

Saying “you were right”

Saying “I need help”

Saying “I need you”

Prioritizing your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing above all, even if that means losing people, places and things in the process of becoming your greatest version

I am learning not to fear my emotions but instead, be with them, observe and allow them to pass like the clouds in the sky. Knowing that they will always pass and that good feelings are always available to me, I am able to ride the waves with grace.

-Divine

My Interpretation of What a Strong Woman is

To me, strength is like the glue that holds all the other myriad of qualities that make up my being together. Yes, I am strong at the core, but I can also be vulnerable, soft, emotional, empathic, nurturing, silly, intuitive, insecure, eloquent, afraid, passionate, sad, angry, anxious, a bitch, depressed, sensual, sexual, introverted, intelligent, and kind. Now i understand that when people would tell me I was strong, they were acknowledging something in me that I wasn’t completely aware of. It wasn’t a bad thing at all, but I knew there was more to me than what met the eye.  It was on me, however, to explore the layers of who I am. And it will continue to be on me to walk my path as my most authentic self. Being strong to me means standing in the truth of your whole entire self, not just one aspect of yourself. It’s giving yourself the gift of self-exploration so that you can become self-aware. It is knowing who the fuck you are but still allowing room for growth. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I will certainly be a different person five years from now. If the seasons of nature are constantly in flux, why wouldn’t that also be the case for our evolution? We were not created to be just one thing, we were created to be everything our heart desires and more.

So, the next time someone tells me how strong I am, I will smile and thank them. There’s no need to internalize what someone else thinks of me, because the perception that I have of myself is greater than the perception that anyone has of me. Yes, I am strong, but I am so much more than that.

-Divine

[the-sapphire-general]

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 3)

Well I did say I would make a third part if I had more in mind about Sephiroth. And much to my surprise, there is more! So here it is! Parts 1 and 2 can be found here so you can keep up just in case I mention anything from those posts:

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

Now this one will be a little different because I will include more about the portrayals I've seen throughout the Internet, my own opinions about them, and my own portrayal. Plus I will include the essay I wrote about him for one of my college courses and I might say random things about Sephiroth that I will discuss. 

First will be the portrayals of Sephiroth I have noticed throughout the Internet. I will not attack any of these or offend anyone who has these headcanons. I respect everybody's headcanons, and it's a good thing too because being a jerk to anyone who has portrayals that are different from yours is stupid and a waste of time. I have friends whose portrayals are varied, and we don't fight over how Sephiroth should act. Love them, hate them, be neutral to them, just as long as you handle this in a mature manner. 

Now I have mentioned the portrayal of Sephiroth where he's unnaturally hypersexual in part 1, so I will not go into detail about it anymore. It's already been done. Another one I will not discuss again is the mindless killing machine portrayal (mentioned in part 2). To those who do or like these portrayals, I dislike them but I will respect your choice.

Now for the portrayals. The ones I really enjoy are the ones for his Crisis Core self (or pre-Nibelheim if you want to put it that way). As I have stated before, I can relate to his past personality, so I really like a lot of the headcanons. Picturing him, say, struggling to socialize, not knowing much of certain things (i.e. video games), spending time with friends, basically being human is heartwarming for me. I take it a lot of people like CC Sephiroth, and who wouldn't? There was this one story where Sephiroth took a liking to lemon drops, which is one thing I added to my own headcanon page on my blog. I found it rather sweet and cute. That's like me but with chocolate. I love chocolate. And then there's one where he has no idea what a sitcom is due to his sheltered upbringing, and it was pretty amusing to picture Genesis and Angeal trying to explain it to him as they watched TV. There are many others that I don't think I can list since there are so many of them, and for a lot of them, I like them. There's some that I don't, but that's just my personal opinion.

Now for the Sephiroth we all know after the Nibelheim Incident. Man, I'm beginning to remember what I've read. It's hard for me to find some portrayals that I like because the ones I've seen so far were unsettling. Sephiroth being a sadistic rapist is one of the worst ones I've seen so far. Not as in the stories are poorly written or something like that but for me, it's one of my least favorite portrayals. I get that he lost his mind, but I believe he wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far with my own portrayal because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy.

I confess that I don't know my limits when it comes to portraying Sephiroth. For a long time, I've been trying to grasp his evil demeanor and I still hesitate to go further and struggle to get inside his head sometimes. So I don't know how far I can go with dark, twisted, cruel scenarios, but rape is one of my limits. I won't reveal the user, but I was recently asked if I could do necrophilia. When I got the question, I was speechless. That's another one of my limits. I really can't imagine Sephiroth being...intimate with a corpse. Much to my relief, they respected my opinion. And I like that. People should respect others because everyone has limits and if I have to force myself to write Sephiroth doing rape, acting all creepily intimate around Jenova, asphyxiation (as in the kink), or something that I don't see him doing, I won't enjoy the roleplays at all. I used to wish I could please everybody, but that's an impossible goal and I should keep in mind about what I want and don't want to do. Again, I don't know my limits too well, so if anyone wants to RP with me on my Sephiroth blog and it involves something that you're not sure if I accept or not, please message me. I'll try to get out of my comfort zone, but please respect my limits. If I don't do certain things, there are other Sephiroth blogs out there. It's simple and it will prevent pointless drama.

My portrayal for Sephiroth is close to his canon self but mixed with his CC side and my own headcanons. I try to stay close to canon as I write, and I silently read what I wrote and then read it out loud while picturing Sephiroth saying it. If what I wrote doesn't work, I revise them until they sound like Sephiroth. It's still not easy because I'm still struggling with his dark, insane, cruel self, the villain everyone knows and loves. One thing is certain is I do try my best to make him more human but still maintaining his character. I can't make him too human or else that ruins his cold and distant qualities, like making him fall madly in love with someone or bawling his eyes out. Now I haven't seen these examples anywhere, so I'm just throwing in random hypothetical headcanons here. The point is I do try my best not to make him too kind, soft, patient, you know, real nice or else that's not really Sephiroth. Lol But I also don't make him relentlessly cruel to the max 24/7. Both extremes aren't portrayals I like, so I am tackling middle ground. It's possible, and if others don't like my portrayal, that's fine, but they shouldn't judge me for it.

Since I'm discussing my own portrayal, I might as well explain other things about it. Let's see, he has interests outside of trying to destroy/conquer the world and messing with Cloud. My character is a loyal follower. Her profile isn't on my blog but her name is Maybelle Rose, and she's Sephiroth's love interest. Speaking of this, I make Sephiroth a bit of a Tsundere towards others, not necessarily involving romance like with Maybelle. He doesn't act like a stereotypical Tsundere, but he's a very, very subtle version. 

Romance. Now this is something that might piss off so many, but I can picture him in a relationship. No, I'm not talking about Crisis Core Sephiroth. I mean post-CC. Say what you want, but I can see it. If done well, it can work. I don't like following the stereotype that villains are incapable of love. Some villains can truly be incapable of love, but not ALL villains. It's not mandatory. A friend of mine claims that Sephiroth is bland. Now I completely disagree with his opinion, but it did give me confidence in pursing romance regarding Sephiroth. Heroes are written as human beings, why not do the same for villains? That's what makes characters compelling, it makes them real. That's what I'm basically trying to do with Sephiroth, and as challenging as it may be at times and despite people probably going against this idea as they read this, I'll do it. My blog now allows shippings. Yes, I now accept shippings. I used to not accept them, but I changed my mind. My reasons are shown in my rant here:

Sephiroth Fandom Rant

Okay I know I said I wouldn't mention the hypersexual Sephiroth portrayal, but I might as well. If he were in a romantic relationship, he wouldn't be like that. Sephiroth doesn't get horny around everyone. Seriously, he's not a sex-obsessed maniac. Sephiroth is a private man with dignity and he would never act extremely sexual, let alone sexual in general. He would be intimate with his significant other, but it would be in a normal level and he would be intimate in private. And I must add that my portrayal does involve Sephiroth having kinks, but he's not sex-obsessed like I said. He has self-control and he keeps things private. 

Now for the next thing. I wrote this essay over two years ago, and apparently I kept it after all this time. Lol Yes I wrote an essay about Sephiroth, back when I was still somewhat of a new fan. The assignment was to do a paper on a criminal, real or fictional, and diagnose them with specific personality disorders. However, it didn't mean that they HAD to have any of these disorders. We just had to show the instructor that we understood the material we have learned during class. Take a look at my essay here:

Essay on Sephiroth

Fun fact: My other choice for this assignment was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. XD But Sephiroth was a better candidate and I was able to write more about him than I could have ever done about Gaston. Schizoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder were two of the ten types of personality disorders that came close to Sephiroth's behavior. I don't consider either of these disorders as my personal headcanons for him. I honestly never did despite Schizoid PD being pretty close. And much to my shock, my instructor liked my paper and I wound up getting an A! I never got an A on any papers, so it felt amazing to finally get a grade that was higher than a C.

Speaking of psychology, one headcanon that's somewhere online is that Sephiroth has autism. Well, it is possible because I have a friend who is autistic, but during my research on this condition, I don't see Sephiroth as autistic. Sure some of his traits do seem to resemble signs and symptoms, but speculation isn't considered a confirmation that he has autism. He might have it but I would rather have Square Enix confirm it if he really is autistic. On another note, I do understand why they headcanon him as autistic. They relate to Sephiroth because some of his traits remind them of themselves. I get that and if they think he's autistic, that's okay with me. This headcanon is also given to Papyrus from Undertale and Pearl and Peridot from Steven Universe, so I'm familiar with this. Even L from Death Note is believed to be autistic. To be honest, I kind of believe it regarding L. That's just my opinion, though.

Tangent aside, courtesy of a friend, I am more intrigued by Sephiroth in a new level. Aside from his appearance and personality, his intelligence, the way he thinks has me curious. Yes I have been trying to get into his head to improve my portrayal, and I think I found a strategy. If I want to portray and act like Sephiroth, I have to think like him...in less destructive ways, might I add. Lol I may not be an expert as Sephiroth yet, but I'll get there. I've come this far on my blog, and I'm not throwing it all away. 

Speaking of my Sephiroth blog, besides that it would be fun and such, I created my own blog because I wanted to express my passion for him. He's one of my role models that made me stronger and I just really admire him. And like I said, I knew I could connect with other fans. Sure, there's a toxic side of the fandom, but that won't stop me. I did feel offended several days ago, as mentioned in my rant, but I'm fine now. In addition to my reasons, I didn't start the blog for fame. Popularity isn't really a big deal for me, I just want to show everyone how much of a Sephiroth fan I am in creative ways. Besides, I found the thought of portraying Sephiroth a fun challenge considering he's my opposite, and he pretty much started my fascination for villains. I also made friends thanks to the blog, one of them being my best friend here on Tumblr. :)

Now to finish this post with one more thing. When I was still a new Sephiroth fan, I confess that I tried to redeem him. Of course it was a difficult task to do for a story, and I admit I was determined to do it. However, as I kept going, I slowly realized doing this implied I didn't like him the way he is, the villain he is widely known as instead of what he used to be before discovering his origins. So I drifted away from redemption and focused on Sephiroth on who he is without changing him. Today, I love Sephiroth for who he is, cruel, cold, calculating, everything. Why change a character you're supposed to love? You wouldn't do that to a real-life partner, or anyone in general. Sephiroth wouldn't have liked me for trying to make him turn a new leaf. Lol So I never pursued redemption for him again. It was too hard anyway. It's like trying to redeem the Joker! That's how hard it was for me. So screw that mind-numbing task, Sephiroth should remain as the badass villain I have grown to love.

Well, this is it. For real this time! Lol This is my final part of the "My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth" posts. I said everything I had to say about Sephiroth as I included all my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. I'm out of things to say about him, so no fourth post! XD If I ever have more Sephiroth-related comments that comes to mind, I'll just make small posts. Will I make more long posts like these? Perhaps. I had fun writing these posts. Maybe I can tackle other topics, or maybe talk about another character in detail. Well, see ya!

[opisasodomite]

Answer all of them. That's right you bastard, every damn one. We're gonna overload this site with the cuteness that is your relationship. Happy goddamn Easter.

You sent me this just to torture me damn you Nicole 1. Have you met your soul mate?Well that term is cheesy as hell but I literally can't imagine anyone more compatible with me than Act and I love him super lots so... Yes? I guess?2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?I used to really love green partly because Irish but now I'm all about the purple because I am the Byzantine emperor3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?Get anything away from my eyes I am terrified of anything makeup related near my eyes even eye shadow4. Are you in love right now?YES5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?No but the fact that I literally saw Act's OkCupid profile and immediately thought wow what a cool dude sure says a lot about my judgment lol6. Are you an optimist, realist, opportunist, or pessimist?I guess I consider myself a realist? Like things aren't either wholly bad or good and I do believe you can advance if you take opportunity but ultimately you are limited based off of your circumstances like wealth race status and mental health, stuff like that. 7. First kiss details? (If you haven’t been kissed, reply how and if you would like to be.)lol I'm going to do both first kisses because I really wish my first was actually Act. So it's high school and no other gay kids existed ooexcept my friends friend. We start dating because duh gay. We go to a school concert and I'm like trying to be cutesy and romantic so I tell him, because I'm dying of heat in the winter because Florida, "if I had do be overheating at least it's with you~*~" and then cue kiss. He was an ugly dude but damn did he know how to kiss.My first kiss with Act was actually damned passionate. We meet up after talking for months for the first time. I drove six hours from Tampa to Savannah and we meet and hang out all day right. It's all very simple and very chaste. We go hang out at my hotel afterwards though where we pretend we don't know what we wanna do. So we start cuddling... My god I've never felt such electricity from someone touching me. He says he's wanted to do that all day as we just hold hands. I then ask if we can kiss. We lean in gently and it's awkward but feels so good...We didn't do anything else except make out but it was great.8. Do you own stickers, an stationary?No but Act taught me calligraphy and I really should learn it again and get some nice stationary for fun.9. What’s your aesthetic?Uh... Colorful pants? That's all I guess lol 🤣10. Do you wear dresses, and skirts?Nah11. What is your hair like?Resistant to change. I have blond and wavy hair but no matter what I do it always wants to lie flat on my head so I've given up doing fancy stuff with it and just do some decent styling.12. Does time go by fast or slow to you?Too damn FAST when Act is here and too damn SLOW when I'm bored to death.13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?This question assumes I have a regular sleep schedule.I guess normally I fall asleep around 2 and wake up at 10 though.14. Favorite sweet food?Hmm... Lately I've kinda become an endless cheesecake eater. That and cookies or ice cream.15. Tea, coffee, or hot cocoa?I would die without coffee but tea is also good. 16. Space, Ocean, City, or Forest?I'm a forest gay.17. Favorite game as a child?Video game: the Legend of Zelda: Wind WakerBoard game: this weird version of chess called stratego? I would always play it with my mom lolOutdoors: uhhh baseball? If by baseball you mean hitting a ball and not having to run lol18. Comfort book?It's hardly a comfort book because it's the embodiment of Angst™ but the only book I can just open and read a bit of is Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. The narrative voice and theme of adolescent identity crisis really kinda got to me when I first read it. I still identify heavily with the characters and love the surreal, almost cerebral tone.19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?I'm a forest fairy boy thanks 20. Do you fall in love easily?Lol very much so. I met Act in person once, and we were just chatting one night on the phone and he was translating "Now I See the Light" from Tangled from Swedish into English and it just hit me: this super nerd is the cutest and most interesting guy I've ever met, and has a beautiful voice and personality. 21. Favorite word?Apparently. It's quite versatile and always has a ring of sarcasm to it.22. Describe your life in 3 words.AHHHHHHHHHHH (grad school), Act, Nicole 23. Do you dance? Slow dance?lol nope 24. Do you wear fake nails, or paint your nails?Nah 25. Has anyone ever confessed to you?I'm literally the confidante of both of my best friends (Act included) so yes26. Do you lie?Yeah. White lies though, I can't stand being deceitful unless I'm trying to avoid something unpleasant for me or anyone else. Like I'll say I'm going to bed but really just want alone time or I'll say I need to get home instead of I really don't want to be in social situations right now.27. What makes you smile?Thinking about my boyfriend :)Otherwise it's my super cool friend @stained-glass-rose That jerk 28. Have you ever cried in a book or movie?Duh. I sob at any emotional scenes 29. When and who was your first crush?Hmm that's hard to say really. The first super super deep one was with this guy Chaz in high school, my best friend at the time. He and I had 6/7 of our classes together and spent every day eating lunch with each other. During the summer he would ask me to come over every day and after I came out he got even more physically affectionate with me. During freshman year English class we watched a shitty version of the Odyssey and he just rested his head on my arms and napped there. It was super super gay for me. We still suspect he was probably attracted to guys.30. Marriage or kids?Marriage without a doubt, it's legally convenient and frankly I like the idea of a nice commitment thingy. Kids I'm gonna need a long time to think about because I'm an anxious and depressed mess who can hardly handle himself and is afraid of getting a pet even. I like the idea of giving a sweet kid a good home but I'm worried I'm not up for it. We shall see. 31. Are you superstitious?Not at all. Tbh I find ghosts, magic, superstitions, and all that to be completely silly.32. Who’s your 3 am thought?Take a wild guess lol(Act~)33. Do you like candy? What’s your favorite candy?I have a horrible sweet tooth: I love mostly fruit flavored candies like skittles and twizzlers and life savers especially.34. Favorite holiday?Christmas because winter :p35. Favorite season?WINTER I AM A FURNACE36. Cat or dog person?I love dogs so much they are my life's goal. I've always had one until I moved away.I used to be meh about cats, neither liked nor disliked them, but now I'm appreciating them and their personalities which are so much different from what I'm used to with dogs. They're beautiful and elegant and dumb and adorable creatures all at once. I still don't think I want one though but when a cat lets me pet them I feel Blessed™37. Are you quiet or loud?I'm quiet if I don't know you and I never shut up if I do38. Favorite time period? (80′s, 60′s, etc.The 80s would've been great if Reagan wasn't president and AIDS never existed. The music, aesthetic, movies, and all that are some of my favorite enduring things.39. Favorite fashion fad that went away?Skinny jeans. I'm very disappointed because absurdly tight pants are my go to fashion choice40. The best dream/ worst nightmare you’ve ever had?I have weird nasty horror nightmares but the freakiest one was a weirdass realistic one.TW: Sexual assault, pedophilliaMy worst nightmare involved my old roommate that me and Nicole used to live with. An old friend's friend contacted me and asked to hang out in the dream. I agree and he's on his way over: while he's out in my living room I hear my roommates door close and I find graphic pictures showing the dude into those diaper kink things and somehow this made me certain he was gonna hurt her.I burst out of my room and try to open her door only to find he's locked it and assaulting her at that exact moment. He then mocks me through he door as I desperately try to get in and stop him.God I was so scared for her and Nicole from that point on41. Worst fear as a kid?... To be honest it was (and still is) being raped or kidnapped and molested.44. Do you flirt?With my boyfriend :p45. What’s your style?I have none I'm a giant spastic nerd 46. Do you blush?Not often anymore but I get bashful when flirting with Act or when he gives me an unsolicited compliment. Also Nicole's mom called me and him adorable while we were being cute and me and him both blushed lol47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?I feel numb a lot of the time but I think I'm able to feel some things again. I still don't feel like I feel as much as I should48. Are you a crier? Do you smile?I'm not as much of a crier as I used to be but I can still break out at the slightest touch if I get in an argument or stressed.49. First love?Act.50. Last love?Still love Act :p