#incestsurvivor

[magicalcloudwitchsstuff]

Many things about my father sexually abusing me have left a permanent scar, but the worst of them all is how much it fucked up my ability to perceive love.

He'd abuse me and say he loved me. He'd annihilate me as a person and said he loved me 10 times a day. He'd turn a hug into abuse. Love was his ultimate weapon (or at least, me perceiving that I was loved was a weapon).

Sometimes I'll get paranoid over people doing things that would be hurtful to me without any meaning and most don't understand why. And it's because my father could've just not touched me but he did. What was the point of crushing my soul? None. There was no point to it. I'll get even more paranoid if it's someone I love. Why would they hurt me? I don't know. Why wouldn't the next person not do it?

Sexual abuse and especially incest just completely reshape who you are as a person and how you engage with other human beings for the rest of your life because it is a pointless act of cruelty that I'll never wrap my head around no matter how hard I try.

[meandcptsd]

Hey there world,

One of the things I’ve realized at different difficult points in my life is how much of a relief it is to feel like you aren’t completely and totally alone in what you think and feel and experience. And yet, when I outed myself as an incest survivor six months ago, I felt this sense of numbness when people I ran into who had heard gave me not the Look of Horror and Pity, but the Look. The Look of Complete Understanding. In a second, in a squeeze of the hand, was years of hiding in bedrooms and showers and waking up from unconscious nightmares into fully conscious ones, years of staring at ourselves in the mirror and wondering if we look like them, if the children that we would never have out of fear would look like them, if our DNA meant we were just inherently garbage.  But in the 17 years since my father first started sexually abusing me, I never heard anyone talk about anything remotely similar to what I was experiencing. I was 11 or 12 when it started--I didn’t even know what constituted sex, let alone abuse, I didn’t have the vocabulary, nor was there seemingly anyone around me even describing similar things happening to them, so I festered in the silence of confusion and shame, because all my instincts told me that this wasn’t something I was supposed to talk about.  I am immensely, immensely lucky that I have survived up to the point in life I am at now, but I can’t help but think that it wouldn’t have been (and wouldn’t still be) so painful and terrible if there had just been less silence around the unique problems that incest survivors struggle with.  But inherent in the way that incest is perpetuated is the way that it leverages the taboo of even speaking about it aloud is to make sure that it stays trapped within the bodies and minds of the most vulnerable. I have 1000% confidence that, even when it is discovered or found out, a huge percentage of the family members who are not either the abuser or victim help to keep the cycle of abuse going by reinforcing the taboo of speaking about incest aloud. I could write a fucking phD about my theories on that topic, but let’s save that for another day. Today, what I want to say is this: To those who have been sexually abused by a family member or members, you are absolutely NOT ALONE. Everyone’s life is individual, so I can’t pretend that I understand what you’ve gone through, but at this point in my processing (weekly DBT therapy sessions structured around changing my CPTSD-based responses in my interactions with other people and after nightmares), I’ll tell you what I wish my 13-year-old self, drowning in self-doubt and shame and terror and silence, knew. 

There are people out there who will fight for you. Oftentimes they will not be the people you would hope you could rely on, and that sucks. It is one of the worst violations of trust imaginable to think you should be able to count on your family to protect you from harm, only for them to perpetrate it in such a soul-damaging way.  But there WILL be people fighting for you, because I will be one of those people, and sometimes, you will be one of those people for yourself. My unexpected hero was a friend of a friend who told her mother (a teacher at my school), who contacted CPS, who contacted the police. And while that whole experience was traumatizing in its own way, this girl, a classmate I had barely spoken to, helped document that something terrible was happening to me at a time when almost everyone else I reached out to turned away out of discomfort and fear. This girl a year younger than me was so brave for me when I had nothing left to give.  I’ve now lived over half of my life as an incest survivor, but I’ve only really begun to start digging deep into processing my trauma within the last year. This blog is  a way of keeping track of my navigating what I’ve buried for all these years as I try to become a non-codependent, embodied badass with CPTSD causing me only minimal frustration!  Here’s the person beneath.

[callthemout]

Jarrod Meine is a child molester and should be a registered sex offender

When I was at the age of 9 years old my cousin Jarrod Meine molested me between the ages of 9 and 12. We lived in St. Louis, Missouri or Jefferson county or imperial, Missouri or St. Louis, MO.

I was at the of 9 and I thought it was game when he asked me to play truth or dare. He is 5 years older than me so at the time he was 14. The game lead to just dry humping and fondling but he ended up asking me to perform oral sex. He would spend the night at our apartment because he was best friends with my older sister Roxanna.

One time around Christmas he asked to perform oral sex, I said no and he humiliated me and made fun of me. I felt like I had to give him oral sex so he would stop bullying me. I wanted to kill myself at age 10. I hated my life. He was 15 years old at the time.

I was silent during our family holidays because I had crippling depression. I was so scared to tell my mom or his mom Or my aunt Leisha Meine since she mocked my depression because I was very mute and lacked confidence in voicing my thoughts and feelings.

I used to babysit Jarrod Meine sister Kayla Meine when my aunt Leisha Meine went out of town. When I came over I knew Jarrod would ask me to do things. He tried to take my virginity at age 11 when he was 16 but I was too small to do it.

I would avoid him at all costs. I always ignored him during family meetings or get togethers. I remember crying at age 12 when he asked me to give him oral sex and he was 17 at the time.

Before my mom moved out of imperial we had him help us move. He asked me around 05/2001 when I was 12 and he was 17 if I could suck his dick I felt so happy to say no. Moving away from Leisha w Jarrod felt awesome. His brother Ashton Meine did pick on me but he ended up being a good cousin just like Kayla Meine.

Many years later when I was 18 I came forward terrified and unaware of the sex offender registry that he sexually abused me. Jarrod Meine committed a sex crime. I thought it was mutual or children sexually experimenting but really it was me that was being taken advantage of by my cousin. He lied to his mom said he gang raped me with his friends at a party one time which was far from the truth.

I went to the Jefferson County police to report his sexual abuse towards me. They haven’t done a thing. I want to write this to forewarn you that he is a liar and sociopath. He also whored out my married sister or begged her to sleep with friend and he also tried to fuck my sister. I wish Jarrod Meine would be a registered sex offender for the shit he put me and my family though. I can no longer see my cousins wedding because his rape apologist mother Leisha Meine-Bailey is at every family event. I had to block his wife Riziel Meine because she’s friends with my sister who unfortunately spent time with that abuser.

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[intersectionali]

You are looking at the face of an #incestsurvivor. I'm not the only one. #HIV #hivstigma #prep #communiyhealthcenter #thecenterforkeypopulations (at Community Health Center, Inc.)

[novembersunset-blog]

Darkness

When I was a child, I was so very afraid of the dark. It wasn't the usual fear you hear if children having; you know, the ones of some monster that might be under the bed or in the closet. No. My fear was the monster in the room next to mine. This evil creature wore a disguise more frightening than Lugosi could portray! Even now, insomnia grips me... it is my constant companion. I know that the monster left in my memory can no longer get to me physically, but the residual energy of him .... of his vile hands on me, his claws that tore at my skin, his weapons that left me beaten, with bruised and bleeding flesh, that is what remains. It returns each night as the light fades. It will always be the reason for my night terrors. The terror that can only come from the real Monsters of the night..

[tamilhagglund-blog]

I have promised to always be real with you.⠀ ⠀ I really don’t like curated social media wherein a person is marketing a polished version of themselves, particularly to sell you something.⠀ ⠀ I don’t necessarily think it is morally wrong, I just can’t do it. Whether someone has known me for 20 minutes or 20 years they’ll tell you I am always 100% authentically me. ⠀ ⠀ No matter what I discover in myself if I see it i say it.⠀ ⠀ I have more thoughts on the selling something part, but I also have no issues with people making money. I want to see more women, & millennials in general, making living wages.⠀ ⠀ My issue is with being false to trick people into giving you their money. I literally lay awake at night checking my motives. I am PASSIONATE about this business I am building because I believe it will help people be free. ⠀ ⠀ In fact, because of you kind souls reaching out, I know it already is. I have big dreams & feel zero percent bad about making money off of them.⠀ ⠀ SO.⠀ ⠀ This is me today. Puffy faced & wounded eyes. ⠀ ⠀ After traveling a few family members got sniffles. I got knocked down, dragged out sick. I can barely think straight. I can’t breathe without pain. Every joint is screaming. My neck is so stiff I can’t move my head. Being awake is exhausting but I am sleeping like crap.⠀ ⠀ I decided to do some research & it isn’t in my head—autoimmune illness sufferers tend to be hit much harder by viruses & that can cause an autoimmune flare. I always felt like that was true & it is.⠀ ⠀ So this is me. Things aren’t great today. The deck of cards dealt me aren’t the best. My body suffers because those who were supposed to protect me harmed me instead, & #TheBodyKeepsTheScore always.⠀ ⠀ But what is also true is that I only have #ThisOneFuckingLife. I’m LIVING it, not just surviving. ⠀ ⠀ I’m #AliveAndFree.⠀ ⠀ [As always, raw selfie image included.]⠀ ⠀ #bopo #bodyposi #trauma #healingfromtrauma #healingaftertrauma #FreedomAfterTrauma #autoimmuneillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #spoonie #t1fl #thisoneeffinglife #BelieveSurvivors #BelieveWomen #ACEScore10 #ACEStoohigh #loveyourself #selflove #childhoodtrauma #incestsurvivor #abusesurvivor https://www.instagram.com/p/BoNmCmpnGbL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=a9nmwxf8w7ik

[fiaarcher-blog]

Fia’s next project will be coming soon! Keep checking back for updates! 

[magicalcloudwitchsstuff]

Who's gonna tell my evangelical father that Christ won't be very fond of letting pedophiles in heaven

[cherylrainfield]

#MeToo. I am an incest, rape, and torture survivor. Rape was a daily/nightly experience for me. If you have survived sexual assault, you are not alone. And it will get better. . -Cheryl Rainfield, author of SCARS, STAINED, HUNTED. . . . #sexualassault #incestsurvivor #rapesurvivor #healing #cherylrainfield #YAwriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerd #bookworm #ireadya #survivor #feminist

[pittylover728]

Posted @withregram • @csasurvivormemes Living in an abusive household I felt undead. Dying and reborn. Over and over. Pushing away the reality. "This isn't the real me." . . He used to tell me: "I gave you life. Your body is mine. I could take your life away, but I choose not to. You should be grateful." Waiting for your body to be used is not living. Feeling a constant low level fear & disgust - at him and at yourself. You're a zombie. . . Source~ Little Girl Speaks on facebook🙏🖤 . . #incestabuse #csasurvivor #childsexabusesurvivor #incestsurvivor #cptsd #cptsdhealing #traumablog #dissociation #daddyissues #survivors #endrapeculture #endsilencedabuse #endshaming #endchildsexabuse https://www.instagram.com/p/CC_PVmCgoOm/?igshid=1o3wq2yo1a8ru

[cherylrainfield]

If you want a book that moves you, that is fierce and compassionate, painful and yet uplifting, that speaks the truth of so many survivors, that shouts for change, then you have to read SHOUT by @halseanderson Her memoir is written in powerful, beautiful, sometimes (intentionally) jarring poetry that can give you a gut punch, a laugh out loud, a soothing touch. If you're a survivor, if you know someone who is, read this. SHOUT rages and soothes and uplifts, showing the vulnerability and strength of survivors, and speaks so many truths. It is powerful and is now one of my top favorites by Laurie Halse Anderson. I also love that she includes resources at the end including @rainn and @trevorproject. Highly recommended! #shout #lauriehalseanderson #survivorwarrior #survivorthriver #survivor #metoo #trauma #healing #cherylrainfield #YAwriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerd #bookworm #ireadYA #survivor #feminist #sexualabuse #sexualassault #incestsurvivor https://www.instagram.com/p/B3x8phVgL3h/?igshid=1hsx4z8xt5rf4

[cherylrainfield]

Some days when I edit or write I just need to move in close to Petal. Then she presses her warm body aginst my back, giving me comfort. . Every time I edit or write using bits of my trauma, I relive it again - emotionally, usually, and/or physically and mentally. Eventually it gets easier, but some days are hard. Today is a little bit hard. I've been distracting a lot to cope, but I want to get this done. I want to get this book out there! So cuddles with Petal while I work is a huge comfort and help. She is so sweet and loving, the perfect author assistant and emotional support dog and family for me. . What helps you when things are hard? . . #cherylrainfield #YAwriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerdigans #bookworm #ireadya #survivor #torturesurvivor #incestsurvivor #feminist #ptsd #trauma #mentalhealth #YAlit #authorlife #authorsofinstagram #igauthor #emotionalsupportdog #petalrainfield #chinesecrested #hairyhairless #dogsinclothes #ilovemydog #ilovemychinesecrested #dogstagram

[cherylrainfield]

I have my signs (I made some for friends, too), fave tee on, and I'm ready to march! Solidarity to women, the LGBTQ community, people of colour, fellow sexual assault survivors, immigrants, and anyone oppressed. Let's keep speaking out against hate and oppression! Feminism is still necessary until all of us are free. . . . #womensmarch #womensmarchonwashington #feminist #feminism #strongertogether #Lovetrumpshate #LoveIsStronger #loveislove #lgbtq #cherylrainfield #YAwriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerdigans #bookworm #ireadya #survivor #rapesurvivor #sexualassaultsurvivor #incestsurvivor #ptsd #healing #hope

[cherylrainfield]

And in the subway on the way home, a very fitting sign about violence against women. It is so important to have funding to help survivors and to educate others and lower the level of violence. . . . #womensmarchTO #whyimarch #womensmarch #womensmarchonwashington #LoveTrumpsHate #LoveIsStronger #loveislove #cherylrainfield #YAwriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerdigans #bookworm #ireadya #feminist #femimism #survivor #vaw #rapesurvivor #incestsurvivor

[cherylrainfield]

Trump wants to cut millions of programs that protect women from sexual violence. But he needs Congress to approve those cuts. I signed the petition; I hope you will, too: goo.gl/QSvAV5 . . . #Lovetrumpshate #LoveIsStronger #vaw #violenceagainstwomen #sexualviolence #rape #rapesurvivor #incestsurvivor #survivor

[cherylrainfield]

This cute orange-and-pink Worry Eaters has joined my collection, along with these four tiny editions! (Grinning) I was worried that the little ones wouldn't be able to "eat" worries, but their mouths have velcro openings with little pouches inside, instead of zippers. Perfect! I can carry one in my pocket next time I go to something I'm anxious about. . Creative, healthy coping AND cuteness! (Grinning) . . . #worryeaters #healthycoping #worry #anxiety #panic #ptsd #survivor #rapesurvivor #incestsurvivor #torturesurvivor #playtherapy #therapy #healing #healthycopingskills #cherylrainfield #yawriter #LGBTQwriter #booknerd #bookworm #ireadya #feminist