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myimaginarywonderland · 4 years ago

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Okay, so this post will talk about Lance but I will also give my opinion on the Lando situation since I think it is important.

First off, I think it says a lot about Lando that he made an apology. Now, be it because of the backlash he faced, because he actually saw the harm he was causing or because he genuinely regrets it, that is something I don't know. What I do know is that by apologising for it, he acknowledges that his behaviour was wrong and that is really important because it shows that he reflected on himself.

While I do still feel irked by something about the message, be it that he isn't naming Lance or Lewis who he both targeted with his actions in different ways and apologise to them directly which he might have done in person, so I am not able to judge it or be it the weird sorry at the end, I can put aside my feelings and say that this was the right thing to do and is also setting an example for his fans who were one of my main issues with all of this. They then know that saying that was not right and might learn from it themselves.

But this post isn't about Lando. This post is about Lance.

As most of you might have heard, Lance was really affected by what happened on track. He can clearly see that he is anxious and uncomfortable in his post race interview and what happened afterwards tells the story (I don't really want to talk about it because this is something private that he did not share and it is like with the story on Twitter something that was shared by other people who he didn't give the right to share it too so I don't want to spread it any further.)

This is who Lance is.

Someone who is sensitive and takes a lot of things personally.

You want to know why? Because he has, as a person, always been blamed for his dad's wealth. As if he choose to grow up with a billionaire dad. As if he is somehow responsible for it.

And he has always been painted out as someone undeserving, someone that doesn't have talent and totally owns his position to the money of his dad.

Now, let me just give you some data because I want to totally discredit this made up stuff with no roots.

In 2015, he won the Toyota Racing Series. He won by a bit over 100 points. The second finisher was his teammate. You might now some of the other drivers who competed in this series for example one Callum Iliot or Artjom Markelow.

Or in 2016,his first season in Formula 3, he finished fifth. The winner of that year was Felix Rosenquvist (a great driver) who was also Lance teammate and had only one DNF in comparison to Lance 5 and a DSQ. Now, there are two other drivers, one that was the runner up in Antonio Giovinazzi and a fourth who was Charles Leclerc. Pretty competitive field if you ask me and to finish 5th as a rookie,is impressive.

Now, fast forward a year to when he won the F3 championship. He won over his teammate by a margin of over 150 points which is so impressive, even with the two more DNFs his teammate, Maximilian Günther (another great driver) had that is quiet a lot.

Now, if you really want to use the argument that he skipped F2 against him, there is another driver you should be discrediting just as much. You guessed it, M*x V*rstappen. He also went straight into F1 which was a definite mistake but nobody ever likes to say that. I would also like you to remember that Lance did not drive for F1 as a regular driver immediately after he won the championship, no in 2016 he was a test driver, so he could slowly get used to F1. (This is not official but I would guess it's the thought process behind him being a test driver.)

Now, in 2017, his first F1 season, he was teammates of Felipe Massa. Might have heard of him, lost his championship to Lewis by one point, was teammate of Micheal Schumacher and a generally way more experienced driver. Yeah, you wanna know what the difference between him and Lance was in Lance first season? 3 points. And Lance had 2 more DNFs. You know what else he got in his first season? His first podium. In his first season, he became one of the youngest people to ever achieve a podium. With just 7 rounds into his first F1 season, in an okay midfield car with a way more experienced and older driver he was up against, he achieved a podium. And during the entire course of the season, that would remain the only podium for the Williams team that year.

Now, onto 2018. Williams was not as bad as in 2019 but they were still nowhere in terms of pace and he still didn't finish last in the championship (but I don't think we can count this season.)

In 2019, Checo became his teammate. And Checo in my opinion is one of the best midfield drivers, so there was already a lot he had to go up against and he was still so young and had less experience. There is a 30 point difference between them. Make of that what you want but for me, sure it was not Lance greatest season but now you have to think if Racing Point where really that good go be the fifth best car or if maybe, Checo just got more out of the car with his experience and talent. And than, you have to consider that he was still young and only had one season where he was truly competitive (that 2018 Williams was not something you could truly challenge anyone with.) And to then be up to one of the best midfield drivers who is widely appreciated and adored by the paddock, is a lot. Maybe for some of you it was too big of a gap which is alright.

However, don't dismiss his talent. He has had a good junior career and was up to some of the drivers you love and call talented, he even beat some of your faves. Maybe you don't see him as the next great driver but he is not a bad one and truly deserves a seat if you consider his achievements. Maybe he could have proven himself more if he had a season in F2 which is fair but that doesn't take away from anything he has achieved.

And even if you don't see him as talented, that gives you no right to bully him online. He can't change who his dad is.

Now,onto the money. I see a lot of people saying that he is only in F1 because of the money (which I hope you have by now realized is not the case.) But really, let's talk about the money.

Money is something that sadly plays a big role in F1. F1 is above all still a business. And businesses want money. So, why not take someone who has money and talent like Lance? Where are you all saying Michael only got his seat because of money (he is a pay-driver after all or at least he was one when he came to F1.) And now let's talk about his move to Racing Point. Can you truly blame Lawrence for wanting to make his sons dream come true? Wouldn't any father if they had the resources do this? Wouldn't any father want to fufill his son's dream, even if it might be seen as unethical by some or criticized? Would you really care if you saw how happy your kid was? Would you really care if you saw the glow you kid had? I don't think so.

I already said it but he was at Williams before he was at RP. His dad doesn't own that team or have any chairs in it.

Let's forget his profession for a second. Let's say you don't find him talented as a driver or just don't like him, fine. You are entitled to your opinion and sometimes we just don't like people, it happens.

What else would you have against him?

He doesn't post on social media often because people already bully him enough for his family. There is basically nothing you can dislike about him there.

And as a person? He is quiet and basically does nothing to anger people. He is literally just a normal dude. He goes on trips with his friends, he does sports to stay in shape and watches sports. He is not even posting personal stuff because he doesn't want to give people more room to bully him.

If you saw him on the street, would you think he is from a rich family? He does not look like it at all, he looks like that guy from your local sport who is literally just a college student trying to get through life.

And not only was he discredited for all his accomplishments because of something he had no control over but he also saw another driver proudly display a symbol that has been used by people who killed people who belonged to his religion. He saw a driver weat that symbol in cooperation with a company whose boos seems to be a Neo Nazi.

Lance has had to go through to so much shit just because his dad was rich (which Nicky's and Lando's also are, yes I know it's less but it's still more than any of us will probably ever have.)

This boy does nothing wrong.

Did he make a mistake with the maneuvers on Lando? Yes. But he is still so young and also new to F1, he can still learn and is growing as a person and driver. He is expected to perform more just so he proves his worth which he already has because people discredit him for having a rich dad.

Have you seen what he has done this season? He would be in the top 5 had it not been for the last races where none of the DNFs where his fault. Neither was getting Covid or being ill but people literally made fun of him for being in pain, saying stuff like "Did Daddies boy have a little stomach ache?" Yeah, because F1 drivers aren't trainex to perform no matter what, aren't putting their health last when it comes to these things and might have to be really bad if they can't drive and are not even going out of their room.

He has improved so much, he is not blaming other drivers even if they clearly hit him (see Charles) and he stays calm. Because he can't afford to be to emotional since some people would hate him for rightfully calling out others mistakes and just maybe saying that their faves are not flawless and make mistakes (like Charles.)

He has to act a certain way or be a certain way because what would happen if he just showed more of his personality? You call him dull, boring but you don't even try to get to know him. You don't even look up videos where he is more open and comfortable.

He is awkward infront of the press because he has to fear to be discredited or to be questioned about his worth every second.

And all of this pressure, this mask and this pretend eventhough he is just as human as the rest of us. And you see how hard it is, how much he questions himself, how his self-doubt increases and ultimately what happened has happened.

Because while it is just an easy insult for you that you can post anonymously online, it is one of thousands for him.

And you know, he didn't grew up in Europe. Sure he competed with some of the European drivers later one but he didn't have any of them when he started racing and he might already have been an outcast because people would already have seen him as different since his family didn't need to make sacrifices to get him to wear he is now. At least not financially ones. And then, when he came to Europe there were these already formed friend groups and it wasn't easy to get into them. The only friend he had was Esteban and I am so glad. This seems like such an unlikely friendship because they are from totally different backgrounds but that might have been what connected them in the first place. So, with basically only Esteban who liked him from the competitive times, it must have been pretty bad (not to say that the others hated him but I don't think they really cared for him.) I am so glad to see that he now also has Checo and that they get along and I hope that stays this way eventhough all of what has happened (which is also not his fault and I am sure that if he had any say in it, it would have been done differently.) Maybe we can even see their friendship when Checo stays on the grid. And with the potential of Seb next year, that might be the only other friendship or friendly connection he might form.

He is so strong for having to endure the dislike of so many people and he is still so kind and so sweet.

This has been a long post but one that I have wanted to make for a long time. If you got this far, I applaude you.

#f1 #lance stroll

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dontbesoevil · 4 years ago

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Let’s talk about the dinner scene (and the entire latter half of ep 9)

Can we talk about That Scene? The dinner scene? (and the aftermath) When I started watching this show, I knew there would be meta, but I didn’t expect for it to be so real! Man I haven’t felt so attacked in my core by how real a storyline was since watching Gaya sa Pelikula (I don’t think I’ll talk about it more here, but if you feel like reading my thoughts on this show, I wrote a 1900-word review on MDL about it). I think every single queer person has experienced or fears that they will experience a scene such as the one that Gene and Nubsib experience. It is something that shakes you to your core even if you know it is coming.

I’m putting a readmore because this got a bit too long

It is so important to me that Gene and Nubsib talked about it before and that Nubsib said to Gene that he would 100% support him, that he did not have to do it, and that regardless of what happened, he would continue to support him all the way. Because they both knew that the battle would be difficult and I think they might not have gone with it if they hadn’t had that talk before. But they did. And then That Scene started.

Not gonna lie, I had to stop watching that scene and I had to take a break because I was shaking and it triggered me and brought me some bad memories. I am lucky that I have the most accepting mum ever, but I have been in situations where I felt like I had to hide and was just a shell reacting and observing every single details of everyone’s behaviour because if I were to step outside the lines they would know and I would be thrown to the lions. If anyone had to go through this, especially for an extended period of time, they know how traumatising an experience it can be (i.e. as opposed to remarks which is also traumatising, but more in a micro-aggression type of way). The incident I am talking about was 6 years ago and although I am mostly over it, it has scarred my relationship with some people and groups probably forever.

This scene was so powerful because of how well it was done. @jiminisverynofun said it better than I would when it comes to the mothers in that scene and the next, but I am so glad they are tackling the fetishisation of mlm relationships by straight women and the very real impact it has when it is only objectification and not any kind of real support.

Something else that I also see in the reactions of the others around the table is the brothers. In the previous episodes, we have seen them be somewhat supportive of the whole thing (although not necessarily in the best way) and here when seeing their parents act in such homophobic ways, they not only not say anything and go along, but they even go further and say really homophobic words, all the while knowing about their brothers. They redeemed themselves (at least Jab, but I’m assuming Sib’s brother’s too) afterwards by defending their brothers when it was just them. But the fact is that they also played along with the homophobia. They did the reverse of what the mothers did. The mothers were okay as long as it was a fiction and then were distraught when it turned out to be real. But the brothers both said homophobic things about gay people in general even if they support their brothers individually. It felt a bit too much like those people who shout against immigrants being the worst, but telling their immigrant neighbour: “oh but not you because you are a good one.” I get that it is hard to get in front of your parents, truly I get it, but I feel like they still went too far the other way, either because of fear or because they truly think that (in which case, boys, start working on your homophobia because you are the only allies your brothers have in the family and they don’t deserve shitty allies).

And then the dads. I am mainly going to be talking about Gene’s dad because we haven’t seen too much of Nubsib’s dad and the preview made it seem like we’ll see more of his pov next time (but I feel like a lot of the same things are applicable to him). I spent the entire scene (and the ones after) wanting to deck him and I wrote so many “fuck you” and other sentences where I was not very polite towards him in the chat because he made me absolutely furious. I was like *surprised Pikachu* when Gene said that he’d dated guys before he dated his mum. I don’t whether he’s gay or bi and honestly at this point I do not give a single shit because he went too far and his internalised homophobia is no excuse for the constant abuse and homophobia he has thrown at his son for years. Nothing could excuse it and even if he comes to realise the error of his ways, he’ll need to do way more than just say sorry for me to be okay with him coming anywhere close to Gene (I need someone to make me a Gene protection squad banner). I am so glad that Gene, soft spoken Gene, confronted him and did not let him go. That scene was directed like a theatre scene. When I started the scene, it jumped at me! The mum at the window, the brother at the table, and the dad on the couch. And Gene just kept talking at the dad who was cornered on all sides. Regardless of the other two characters who still have (more or less) atoning to do, I’m expecting the brother to be helpful by next episode and the mum by the end of the show, the one who needs to be worked upon is the dad. I know it, you know it, Gene knows it. And this is why he is not letting go. His dad has always been treating him as a child (I think it is him who says they are just children when at dinner, but I cannot remember and I am not strong enough to go and rewatch it) and he doesn’t want to have this conversation so he just tells his son to “go to his room” (i can’t remember exactly how old he is, but it’s something like 27, so his son who’s been an adult for 10 years and presumably was already pretty autonomous before because his dad had sent him to boarding school because of the GayTM). I am so happy for Gene standing up for himself. I am so happy for Gene telling him that he is gay and using those words when you could see only a few scenes before that he wasn’t completely there yet (did I pause at that point to cry? Yes, yes I did). Gosh I am so proud of Gene!

But going back to the dinner scene proper and what I was talking about re: Nubsib and Gene talking before and knowing what the other wants (they both want to come out and Gene says explicitly to Nubsib that he doesn’t want to hide anymore (and he knows his dad so he knows that he will probably react as he reacted). And then you have That conversation and you can see the two of them looking at each other (gosh the number of silent conversations they’ve had this episode, I want what they have!). And like as hard as it is, they have each other. And then you have Gene starting to come out by asking a question “and what if it’s true?” (this feels way too real and I relate way too much because talking explicitly about things like that is way too hard so you find a way around it, you wait for the others to say something that you can react to while not saying explicitly what you want to say) And then Nubsib sees this, understands it for what it is and goes for it because he is way more sure of himself and secure in his identity. And they have each other, they look at each other, they hold hand (talking about Gaya sa Pelikula, this very much reminded me of the hand holding between Vlad and Karl duing That dinner scene too). I am so happy that they have each other and that Gene can use Nubsib to help. I relate a lot to Gene and it is easier to talk about your relationship to someone than what it means, but once you’ve talked about the one, it’s easier to talk about the other.

This scene was given all of the space that it needed. I am so glad that they decided that time didn’t matter and that they could give us a 1h27 episode because I did not feel like something was missing, but I also did not feel like something was unnecessary about that whole section (or any of the ones before because you can really see the development of their relationship (not that I don’t have any gripes with some of the lines and story choices, but this is not the place). I’ll probably finish this and be like “oh no, I forgot to talk about this”, but I’ve already gone and written 1500 words so I should probably stop.

#lovely writer #lovely writer spoilers #lovely writer meta #it's also 1:30am and they deliver our new dishwasher tomorrow morning #i don't know if any of this makes sense and i have not proofread it so fingers crossed #feel free to comment and reblog if you have further points to add #i'm pretty sure i forgot some of my ideas halfway through so not everything might make sense

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hopeless-deerie-fanfics · 4 years ago

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MC who’s panic response when in danger is to say kinky shit (eg: harder) and the brother’s reactions

Masterlist and requests info as well as the fandoms I write for is the pinned post on my page, so go check it out if you like this! Had some fun with the prompt because hey why not XP

WARNINGS: NSFW, SWEARING, KINKS, MINOR SPOILERS PRE EP.10, MAJOR SPOILERS for pre ep.20 for Belphie’s one, so avoid that one if you arent there yet. Lemme kno what you think and enjoy!

LUCIFER

- This poor man

- He thought he could handle the human exchange student

- Honestly so far things have been going quite well

- And then he gets angry and you step in between to stop him from hurting his brothers

- Part of him is impressed you even have the guts

- But he is Very Angry and you should move if you don’t want to get hurt

- He takes a step closer and grasps your neck, about to make a warning threat

- When suddenly you just scream at the top of your lungs, fear wide in your eyes

- “HARDER DADDY”

- *Lucifer.EXE has stopped working*

- You broke the poor man

- Gobsmacked is the only word to describe the expression on his face

- He’s so shocked that his anger dissipates and he turns back into his regular form

- At which point you collapse to your knees heavy breathing

- “fuck, fuck, um sorry, uh when I panic I just blurt out anything to try and throw people off and uh, well normally kinky stuff seems to work”

- Lucifer just blinks

- Then smirks

- “Come to my room later tonight, a punishment is in order for distracting me from disciplining my idiot brother”

- Your heart is pounding a mile a minute, face flushed, and from the look on Lucifer’s face he knows it

- Yeah good luck looking him in the eye for a while without immediately remembering and getting super flustered

- You did this to yourself hun

- When you do go to see him that night you expect something hot, but he just sits you down for a two hour long lecture on ‘appropriate use of language’

- Of course once he has drained all the excitement from you, just as he dismisses you, he runs a gloved finger across your jaw, tilting your face up to his, standing a little too close for comfort

- “What darling, were you expecting something else when you came here?”

- He’s smirking, and you’re melting under his gaze

- He knows what he’s doing and is relishing in your squirms

- Sadistic bastard

- (but you love it)

MAMMON (read lucifer’s first)

- By this point mammon has already sprinted off, half of him thanking his luck at getting away scot free, the other half completely bamboozled (and kinda turned on) at what you said to get Lucifer to stop

- Of course the moment he sees you again he’ll burst out laughing

- Now that his life isn’t in immediate danger he can process the humour and oh man

- You really said THAT

- To LUCIFER

- And LIVED

- Maybe he should try it next time he’s about to get strung up by his ankles

- Nah it wouldn’t be worth the punishment plus his brothers would make sure he would never live it down

- Would be hilarious though

- But seriously, he’s pissing himself laughing

- Internally though, he wants you to say that again, this time to him

- And if you do?

- Man oh man, he will melt into a pile of blushing spluttering mess

- “H-Hey ya, ya can’t just go around sayin’ that stuff!”

- *pause*

- (under breath) “say it again, but louder”

- “What was that mammon?”

- “I-I said I GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER” *slams door as he runs away*

- It won’t be long till he’s back beside you, honestly just use this method any time you want a 5 minute break

LEVIATHAN

- Oh he was PISSED

- You beat him at the *clearly RIGGED* quiz and he wasn’t having any of it

- How could some measly normie possibly begin to understand the complexities of ‘The Tale Of The Seven Lords’ when you had only watched it for the first time last week and hadn’t even read the hundreds of manga that feed into the backstory!? What about the Extended Cut!? The Holiday Special!? The Japan Only Release of the secret episode where Henry gets possessed by an ancient cheese spirit and trapped in the fridge realm and the Lord of Corruption has to go and rescue him in a daring feat only ever seen by 17 pairs of eyes in stop-motion clay!?

- Rage coursed through him, and now in his demon form he stepped closer, ready to strike

- At least that was until…

- *anime girl voice*

- “CHOKE ME WITH YOUR TAIL ONII-CHAN”

- …

- Cue silence

- You could hear a pin drop

- Levi is BEET RED

- Drops out of demon form and stares open mouthed, wide eyed at you

- Asmo’s the first one to let out a snicker

- Then Satan

- Then Mammon

- Levi’s panic response is ‘Retreat to the bathtub-bed’ so that’s what he does

- Because Hoooooo he’s suddenly got a bulge in his pants and he *DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT*

- HOW did this stupid normie human NAIL Ruri-Chan’s voice from that one tentacle hentai he watched, had they seen it!?!? Were they secretly an Otaku like him!? Were they real life Ruri-Chan dressed up in a human costume!?!?

- And how did they know one of his kinks-

- HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO PROCESS THIS INFORMATION!?!?

- THAT IS NOT NORMIE BEHAVIOUR!!

- He will avoid you till the end of time until you go to him and explain and apologise

- But he will never see you in the same way again

- And if you two end up getting physical at any point in the future he will use this to your advantage

- Knowing what you like makes him feel more comfortable

- Poor baby needs reassurance though

- And you bet he’ll blush the whole time

SATAN (read Levi’s first)

- He was actually snickering at Lucifer’s expression when you said …*that*… to Levi, because he has never seen the eldest look so shocked and appalled

- Do it again human, keep going, drive Lucifer insane and let him watch

- He was shocked initially of course, but quickly morphed it into pleasant surprise

- And curiosity, if there’s one thing this man seeks out it’s knowledge

- And in this case, knowledge of just how many things he can get you to say in Lucifer’s presence to infuriate and/or horrify him

- He isn’t all that phased by what you said

- But he will tease you about it

- Only when Lucifer is around

- He likes watching the irritation in his eyes as you stutter over your words

- Or better yet when he Kabedons you to the wall and you yelp out an incoherently horny mish mash of words

- That is until one day he does this and your words ignite something in him other than his usual supressed anger boiling deep beneath the surface

- “M-MASTER MAKE ME BEG”

- Well, if you didn’t know what he was into... you do now

- His pupils immediately widen and there’s no missing it

- Something about the way he moves closer to you screams predator cornering prey

- He breathes and whispers softly against your neck

- “Say that again”

- You’re shell shocked

- “u-um.. m-master-“

- He nips at your earlobe he doesn’t care who’s watching

- Of course Mammon walks in and screams as he throws himself between the two of you shrieking incoherently

- But next time you’re alone, looking for a book in the library…

- …

- You and Satan may be a little, lets just say, preoccupied, with something other than books.

ASMODEUS

- Need I say anything here

- The only one who is 100% down with this straight off the bat

- Not even phased in the slightest

- “Oh, so that’s what you’re into huh~ hmmmm you have good taste” he practically purrs into your ear

- He’s running his hands over your hips, tracing your neck with his tongue

- The others have to tear him off of you but when they do he simply smiles and winks at you

- “You know where to find me if you want to play out your fantasies sweetie~!”

- If he catches you alone you know he will take that opportunity to do what ever it is you yelped out

- And of course he will pry to try and figure out more things you’re into

- Purposely make situations where you are more likely to blurt out yet another kink

- If you do go to him?

- Well, he’s the avatar of Lust for a reason

- And you will come to know just what that entails

- He will ensure you are completely satisfied, no leaving you all fired up and no place to go

- Good luck ever sleeping alone again

- Or ever sleeping again without him occupying your time and your bed first

- You will be busy every night, and will need to learn to avoid secluded closets and quiet rooms alone with him if you don’t want to get railed in public

- If there’s one thing Asmo appreciates, it’s Voyeurism

- And if you get caught, don’t think he’ll be stopping any time soon

- More likely than anything he’ll ask them to join if you’re comfortable with that

- But the pampering and aftercare he provides is second to none

- This man practically worships your body through sex

- If you didn’t know he was once an angel, well, you do now

BEELZEBUB

- Big beefy teddybear boi just wanted a midnight snack

- But he found a midnight snacc instead

- So he is shoulders deep in the fridge hunting for goods

- You come in to get a glass of water not noticing he is there

- So when he leans back, lapping up a full tub of custard pudding and swings the door of the fridge closed with a loud *thunk*

- You whip round in shock and your brain decides to betray you

- Or perhaps bless you, it really depends how you see it

- “WHY DONT YOU EAT ME OUT LIKE THAT”

- …

- Wide eyes

- Pupils dilated

- A new hunger is present and the avatar of Gluttony won’t stop till he’s satisfied

- He finished the pudding in a second flat and immediately made his way over to you, leaning close to your lips

- But he hesitates

- “Did you… mean that?”

- He asks

- He is hesitant but hopeful

- Clearly trying very hard to resist the urge to not ask permission and just dig in

- But he can see the blush on your face and tell that it was not something you meant to allow to slip out

- And come on, who could resist his big round eyes gazing down at you

- If you nod he’ll take it as enough of an answer

- I hope you don’t mind some public action because this boy is far too focused to cart you back to his room

- Up on the counter you go, legs spread, bottoms discarded

- If you’re wearing a skirt it is pushed up

- He licks up your thighs first before trying his meal

- This… well, you will be there a good while, he just can’t seem to get enough

- And once you have let him have a taste, the more he cannot have you, the more he will crave you till he’s begging you to let him try once again

- The only way he’s stopping is if somebody interrupts you, and it will take a couple tries to actually pull him away

- He’s a strong boy but he tries so hard to be gentle

- And if you’re embarrassed he’ll take you to his room and tuck you in, taking the couch out of fear of crushing you unless you insist that it is absolutely, 100% ok to share

- But if you do let him share…

- Don’t be surprised if you wake up to him trying you for breakfast

- It’ll be the only time he’s ever late to breakfast

- Eventually somebody will come and find you two and once again, it will take a few tries to pull him away

- But then he’ll give you a beaming smile like sunshine

- “You’re delicious, let’s go get some more breakfast, huh?”

- And lead you to the kitchen

- Diavolo forbid you can ever again look at a kitchen counter without getting turned on

BELPHEGOR ( SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 20)

- So, it’s not like it was a normal day to start with

- What with, ya kno

- Belphie breaking out from the attic

- And going ape shit

- And trying to kill you

- So of course, in what could have been your final moments, your last words, the thing they would read at your funeral or put on your gravestone

- Your brain really said ‘hm, how do I want to be remembered, as this very angry, vengeful demon stands over me ready to slaughter me?’

- “IF YOU’RE GUNNA FUCK ME OVER AT LEAST MAKE ME COME FIRST”

- …

- Belphie doesn’t know if it’s the rush of emotions or the heat of the moment or the fact that those are the worst last words that have ever been conceived by a living being

- But he just

- BURSTS out laughing

- Completely breaks

- He’s on the floor

- None of the brothers know what to do

- One minute he’s about to kill you, the next you say… *THAT* and then his reaction is to start rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down his face, uncontrollably laughing so hard that he’s clutching his sides in pain

- And what do you do?

- What do you say?

- “… wow I cant believe that worked”

- Absolute fits

- He can’t contain it

- He manages to supress his laughter for a short while once he finds out about Lilith’s connection to you

- But at this point he was already gunna keep you

- He can’t bring himself to kill anyone who would voluntarily go out with those words, it would be WAY more fun to spectate such a lunatic, not to mention the abject horror across Lucifer’s face is more than enough to sate his hunger for revenge for enough time to process and calm himself down

- But he’s not going to forget this, human

- You just wait

- …

- 3 days and you find out that he has teamed up with Mammon and made TSHIRTS

- TSHIRTS that say what could have been your last words

- Not only that, they’re selling them at Majolish and it’s a best seller

- And he’s rubbing it in your face

- Yeah

- You will never live this down

- At least he seems to be getting along with most of his brothers now

- Who knew you being a horny idiot with no verbal filter would be the thing that saved your life?

- Certainly not you

- All of Devildom knows what you said

- And you can bet Solomon bulk buys some t-shirts and sells them in the human world too

- He’ll wear one until Simeon manages to pry it off of him, saying it’s inappropriate to wear around Luke

- That won’t stop him from teasing you about it too though

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leatherbookmarking · 4 years ago

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fuck that ! im gonna talk about them deadboyz!! shame is for the WEAK

overall:

belong to a much less known subsidiary company of jinhit no jgs isn’t worth the joke entertainment. if they were in any other company they would be super rookies but jgs is keeping them in the basement and it’s not even his own basement

initially i think there were some high stakes in it for jgy...? something like ‘you produce the songs and make their chores and if you flop you’ll never be on stage again’ but?? i don’t know now tbh

would have been really popular (they are Good) but less known company, etc, and also some rumors around the time of their debut made it so they’re only knows because ‘they’re kinda good at dancing aren’t they’

general concept is uh... cool dudes, kinda fucky but not too much...? gotta think about the baby (a-yu)

THE MEMBERS: meng yao (leader, main dancer, vocalist), wen chao (oldest, main rapper), su she (main vocal, dancer), xue yang (rapper, dancer, unofficially: moodmaker, if by ‘mood’ you understand ‘horror at whatever has just come out of his hellish mouth), wen ning (dancer, vocalist, sometimes rapper), mo xuanyu (vocalist, the Baby™)

MENG YAO:

leader, single-handedly responsible for making these rowdy boys (wc&xy) stop wanting to kill each other

has probably auditioned for every single company there is. was in the nie company for a bit, but it was still a mess freshly after the previous owner, nmj’s father, has died, nmj has struggled (being a producer, not a businessman) so when it turned out they’d have to let some trainees go, the other trainees made it so meng yao was the one to leave. then he temporarily was at wrh’s company where he got kind-of-semi-famous as one of wen qing’s main back dancers (the one she’s interacted with the most) during her last performance. then the company went kaputt and jgs has snatched him off for himself, and then... put him... in the basement.... for two years... after which he gave him a chance, and voila

insanely hard-working. an all-rounder. mainly he excels at dancing, but his vocal and rap skills also Fuck. persona? impeccable. he’s learning to write and compose his own songs and he’s doing well, but he can’t even upload his stuff on soundcloud, because... you know why. has doubled as a manager in their early days. also, dimples.

the fans had tried to make a dad/mom dynamic with him and uh... wen chao...? since they were the oldest and pretty much the opposites, but quickly gave up and he’s now simply known as yao-ge due to his stern but loving persona. (yao-jie, sometimes)

DOES do the split. it was his rookie trick for a year after they debuted, but he simply is just like that. one show host asked him “is there definite proof that you have bones?“ and meng yao only shrugged humbly

WEN CHAO

oldest, has been a trainee for the longest time, hasn’t debuted because... well... he wasn’t good... and that was because he’s felt too safe in his dad’s company. WELL ABOUT THAT,

his older brother wen xu has debuted Long before him, but after a few years his group disbanded, he moved on to modeling and then stopped after a couple of years, too. (he got married.)

you know how i said their image is ‘cool, a bit fucky’? well, he’s 40% of that fuckiness. he’s been told again and again that idols aren’t supposed to date/have dating experience, but he still can’t get the hang of it

yes, he and jiaojiao were an item back in the wen days. she’s a trainee at some other company now but they still hook up sometimes

initially was intent on maintaining a cool, calm and collected image... then he met xue yang and threw that idea outta the window. paradoxically, they’re interesting together, not only as rappers but also as... high-energy, chaotic energy makers of the group...

this is a happy au, so: initially he’s thought everything is bullshit, these talentless fucks are dumb and he should already be a top idol. by the time of their debut, he agrees that meng yao is one crafty motherfucker. a year after their debut, if anything happened to any of his boys, yes even xue yang, he would kill everyone in the room, etc, etc BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT.

SU SHE

unfortunately, was added before their first comeback (second release) and therefore controversial. fortunately, his vocal completes the group’s image and musical flavour

was a trainee in yinshen ent where he really admired their top idol, lan wangji, until... he got to know him (?) when they were sent to compete in a survival show and decided lan wangji ain’t shit and is, in fact, a stuck-up self-centered bitch. the survival show crashed (unrelatedly), but still some serious words were exchanged. during Some Company Problems, quite a lot of trainees have left, but he was the one who left with a Bang.

joined that one subsidiary of jin ent because of meng yao, who, just like in canon, recognized him, said he loved him in (song he’s performed in the survival show) and with this he cemented his position as su she’s new Boy Who Makes Him Go !!!!.

slowly replaced meng yao as The Man Who Does This Face at the other lads’ rowdy behaviour.

fans remember he was :/ at lan wangji, so his persona wouldn’t work anyway, but he does make quite a convincing kind dude-next-door.

stubborn side of the fandom’s next candidate for the mom member, because... he’s ridiculously prepared and reliable. who carries hydrogen peroxide in their daily use backpack? this boy !

it used to be rubbing alcohol but i had too many reasons to apply it internally, he once says mournfully, and this is how xue yang discovers he has a sense of humor, sort of

unfortunately, has the juiciest ass in the group. unfortunately, because

XUE YANG

responsible for: being inappropriate. the other 60% of fuckiness, really enjoys getting into wen chao’s personal space (since wen chao is That straight dude) and just... doing whatever to make su she Scandalized.

but he’s so cute we’ll forgive him. at least until the next time he does a surprise butt grab

very agile! dance line along with meng yao and wen ning. apparently he was a stunt guy...? apparently the lived in the streets...? apparently he went to the same dance school as meng yao...? no one knows his past. no one has seen his kid photos. did he go by another name...? insert the what are birds gif but make it who is xue yang.

adds sound effects to real life. also in his raps, sometimes

started hugging and initiating physical contact with people to assert dominance to be annoying, but ended up actually liking it, even though the one he does it comfortably with is meng yao. just like... back hugs? resting his chin over a-yao’s shoulder? it’s neat. sometimes a-yao pats his hand or taps his nose absent-mindedly and it’s super neat. if he notices you noticing it, though, he will BITE

most popular member, but everyone likes him for different reasons and has a different uhhh headcanon about potentially dating him. bad boy xue yang/cute bratty didi xue yang/sweet boyfriend xue yang, etc, etc

no one knows how, but apparently he knows the iconic duo from a small company, xiao xingchen and song lan...? or rather, song lan pretends not to know or notice him, meanwhile xiao xingchen is very cute when they’re interacting, and basically it prompts a lot of dating rumors, especially since they’ve been spotted having hotpot.

WEN NING

su she was the one to join last, but actually it’s wen ning who’s the least popular member. i’m just so quiet that people don’t notice me, haha, he says while being 180cm tall and having killer charisma when he dances

seriously, what’s up with that? it’s almost like he’s a different person, a possessed one to add to that. huh!

in contrast, his voice is very gentle and even cute, and he often sings quietly to himself. sometimes to other members (there’s a video of him singing what seems to be a lullaby to mxy), sometimes to little animals (there’s a video of him singing to a tiny frog he’s found during a walk). gentle boyfriend wen ning but it’s CANON

in contrast to the contrast, he doesn’t rap often, but when he does, it’s like... who’s that?? another member??? dualism king

when wc/xy cause problems on purpose, he doesn’t react/allows them to tease him/slap his ass/bump into him when they’re fighting. he seems like a calm, gentle guy so when they’re in a variety show and it’s Time For A Punishment, of course he gets to decide/wield the squeaky hammer, WHEREUPON ‘yang-ge, three weeks ago you ate my yoghurt even though i specifically asked you not to, so...’ (whacks xy’s ass into next tuesday)

nice, sculpted shoulders make for very good pillows

MO XUANYU

a Baby, but watch out: a horny one. fully on board with xue yang’s Inappropriate Ideas Of Entertainment. there’s a video of them doing some Rather Dirty dance moves while meng yao and su she make pained faces in the bg

fashion king. make-up king. none of his selfies are bare-faced, he always has some red eye shadow/blue eyelashes/yellow blush/black lipstick going on. sometimes even at the same time. paints his nails and toenails as well. somehow yao-gege doing his make-up makes him fall asleep one minute in. (cute)

his sincere smile is a 100% foolproof way to just... melt everyone’s hearts. in wen ning’s case: with a smile as well. meng yao and su she: an eyeroll (fond). xue yang and wen chao: ‘oh, fuck you’. but it DOES

most of the time though when he does sajiao it’s totally weird. (on purpose, on purpose)

tiny boy. skinny boy. once he turned to the side and vanished. even though most of the time in videos the other members sooner or later end up giving him food! (at some point wen chao says ‘it’s so that you’d shut up’, causing a-yu to start talking animatedly, spitting crumbs into his tea. serves him right)

has a potential to end up as a vocal god. currently however his favourite method of doing things with his voice is SCREAM

famously examines what things are by putting them in his mouth/licking them. he is a little creacher. he cannot change this

bites

#shut up shrimp #ye..lls.........#some other time i'll have to write about what the other dudes are doing in this au #idol au

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tywrites · 5 years ago

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timid s/o scared to initiate pda | headcanons

request: "Hi, can i have separate fluffy hcs for Tendou and Ushiwaka with a timid sweetheart s/o who's scared to initiate pda cus theyre scared that maybe they'll think it's bothersome? thank u ^u^" - anon

a/n: sorry this took so long anon! i had to repost this bc i’m a dumbass but i hope you enjoy hehe <3

warnings: none!

pairings: tendou satori x reader, ushijima wakatoshi x reader

TENDOU

at the beginning of the relationship, tendou will also be quite scared to initiate pda!

he's super nervous because he's like "why is such a sweetheart dating me what" and is just quite insecure about showing his affection at first because of what's happened in the past

he really doesn't want you to be thought of as weird for dating him :((

but after a few weeks or so he'll be all for pda!

he loves cuddles smsm and hand holding is his favourite thing to do hehe so he'll have no problem with initiating affection in public himself, he loves showing you how much he cares for you

but he always makes sure you're comfortable. he's very perceptive so he'll immediately notice if you feel a bit awkward with pda and will correct the behaviour asap

because he's so observant, he'd noticed how you don't seem to initiate pda on your own. at first he thinks it's because you don't really want to be seen with him, not being able to stop his old insecurities from resurfacing

in his head, he knows that's probably not the case and that you wouldn't be with him if it was, but he just can't help it and from then on it kind of preys on him in the back of his mind

after he notices this, he'll start being quite distant with you, not showing anywhere near the amount of affection he usually did, whether it be in public or private, which would cause you to be a bit like ???? what did i do omg what's wrong :((

eventually he'd confide in you about his worries and you would reassure him IMMEDIATELY and explain that you the only reason don't start affection in public is because you don't want to bother him

when you tell him this, he feels 100% better BUT he's also like 🥺 🥺 baby what no you could never bother me wtf

he would reassure you constantly that if you showed any pda he'd be over the moon, but wouldn't force you to show pda if you didn't want to! he'd just make it known to you that you wouldn't be annoying him in any way, shape, or form - tendou is incredibly touch-starved so he appreciates any kind of pda like :') pls give this boy all the cuddles n kisses aaaaa

if you do start showing pda, he would be SO HAPPY

if you reach out tentatively to hold his hand? he would quickly intertwine his fingers with yours and hold your hand rlly tightly, flashing you the brightest grin so you can tell how much he loves it

he'd also show it off quite a lot hehe, he loves showing you off and making it known how much he adores you, so he'll be swinging your intertwined hands back and forth while you walk down the hall uwu

he'd just be so happy that you eventually feel comfortable enough with him to show affection to him in public, like that just makes him bust the fattest uwu

USHIJIMA

ushijima isn't really one for pda, so he wouldn't really see a problem with how you act in public with him at first

he doesn't tend to initiate it either, though his reason is just that he doesn't see the need to? he's just not a very affectionate guy and if he does show affection, he does so in private and greatly appreciates the intimate moments you have together

but when you're both in private you're usually a lot more touchy so eventually he's like wait....... this doesn't add up.......

so he'll begin to take notice of how, when you're in public, you'll sometimes look like you're going to reach for his hand or lean up to kiss him before deciding against it and staying put, opting for fiddling with your fingers instead

like, he'll just be so confused tbh jkdhks

he'd obviously confront you about it because he isn't sure what's going on and he wants to find out wtf is happening

he's worried that he's making you uncomfortable at first, so he just wants to make sure that he's not, and if he is, he wants to find out how he can make you feel more at ease and what he can fix

once you explain to him that you feel like you may be bothering him if you try to show your affection when you're public, he's just like

he's very blunt so he'd just be like "if you do, i'd tell you that i'm busy but you literally never bother me so i can't see that happening."

and honestly? knowing how honest and straight forward he is, hearing those words from him is super reassuring!!

it would be slow going at first but little by little, he notices the little things you begin doing while the two of you are in public together

taking his arm while the two of you walk the halls of shiratorizawa

placing his hand in your lap and playing with his fingers

wiping the sweat off his forehead with a towel when you come to watch their practices

all of these little things begin to mean a lot to him and he doesn't really know why. maybe it's because it makes him feel really happy to know that you trust him enough to do it?

all he knows is that he's glad he brought up the issue because having you accidentally fall asleep in his arms one evening while hanging with friends, is one of the best feelings he's felt that was non-volleyball related :')

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trainsinanime · 5 years ago

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I see a lot of posts in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom complaining that we never get to see Adrien (as Chat Noir) be as awesome as Marinette (as Ladybug). Even in situations that seem designed to do so, like the power swap episode, it’s still very much clear that Marinette remains in the lead and more powerful. This, many posts argue, is unfair and they hate it.

The thing is: I actually really love it. I do so because I’ve seen way too many animated TV shows that have a male/female duo that is set up as somewhat balanced, but then end up downplaying her competence in order to tell the boys’s story. Consider Sword Art Online, Fairy Tail, Bleach, or the one that personally frustrated me the most, Twin Star Exorcist. Man, I hate that show (Yes, these examples are all anime, because most of the western TV shows I watched as a child didn’t even try to have equal female representation. Anyone remember the Smurfs?).

Miraculous Ladybug is the inversion of that. Here we have a case with a male/female duo where the girl is the leader, and she’s just plain better. She has more powers (depending on how you count night vision and purring), but even if the powers are reversed or gone, she’s the one who leads the team and does all the planning. As one otherwise forgettable tie-in comic put it, her superpower is nothing to do with the magic, it’s her brain.

And the show is not shy about that at all. You don’t need to analyse their weapons, armour and skills to find out who would win in a fight. It has happened repeatedly, and the winner is Ladybug, always. In fact, she’s so clearly the winner that they had to ratchet up the difficulty for her. Can she defeat an evil Chat Noir… and also make out with him? Yes, as seen in Dark Cupid. Can she defeat an evil Chat Noir if he has been enhanced with the power of ultimate destruction? Yes, as seen in Chat Blanc. Can she defeat an evil Chat Noir and also like five other guys at the same time? Yes, totally, all she needs is a power strip that she uses as a second yo-yo, as seen in Puppeteer, in a case where her ultimate plan is just “do the same thing as always but twice as good”, and she pulls it off without a hitch. Ladybug is the better one. The show never tries to claim anything else. And that is, to me, really refreshing. If you have never almost torn your heart out in frustration because a show you watched forgot about the female half of its ostensibly equal leading duo in key moments, then well, congratulations, I guess, and don't watch Twin Star Exorcist.

That does not mean Chat Noir is useless. He’s a useful fighter in his own right, and clearly often the difference between winning and loosing a fight. He may not be her equal, but he is 100% indispensable.

For what it’s worth, he knows that and is perfectly alright with it. An interesting part of the show is the way its two leads are set up. It is generally not “He has quality A and she has it as well”, nor “He has quality A and she has the opposite” (aka a plug/socket situation). The defining characteristics of Adrien and Marinette are largely orthogonal and don’t have much to do with each other, but end up complementing each other very well anyway. In this case, that means that for Marinette, being Ladybug is a power fantasy where she, the shy, clumsy wallflower, can be bold and competent. Meanwhile, for Adrien, who is essentially in year fourteen of an eighteen-year prison sentence and trying to get out on good behaviour, Chat Noir is a wish fulfilment fantasy where he can be as free and silly as he likes. The result is that Ladybug goes for power and awesomeness, while Chat Noir is the silliest little kitty in the whole Île-de-France.

(These are not mutually exclusive, of course. Adrien is a capable fighter and, as seen in Oblivio, capable of planning as well. Meanwhile Marinette does a lot more joking and flirting as Ladybug than the fandom generally seems to want to acknowledge.)

This also means that the inversion goes one step further: Adrien’s role is, to a certain extent, to be the heart of the team. He keeps cheering up Ladybug when she’s down and unsure of herself (Origins, season finales). He inspires her to keep fighting on. Also, he’s the one who is better at dealing with small children. Again, this is not exclusive, Marinette is full of empathy herself, but there’s more emotional support from him for her than the other way around overall, because that is his role. He also often fulfils that role for Marinette, whether in or out of mask: He reassures her in Kung Food, builds up her confidence at the Heroes’ Day picnic, tries to cheer her up in Glaciator and so on.

There’s also the whole thing where he seems to be a meta-commentary on Batman, but that’s probably another post.

Another fun fact about the show is that both people’s greatest strengths are also their weaknesses. Marinette has a passion for justice, a strong desire to set things right that she thinks are wrong, and, like many people in the class, exactly no chill at all. Those qualities make her a great Ladybug, both actual and every-day. The very same qualities have also led to several akumatizations, because she forged straight ahead with a half-baked plan and hurt the people she was trying to help. Meanwhile, Adrien generally lets his heart do the thinking. That makes him great emotional support for Marinette. But it has also put strains on their relationship and caused him to make stupid decisions, most notably in the episode Ladybug.

(Not in Chameleon, though, his advice to her there was correct, no matter what so many people in the fandom think. Yes, I can back that up, I just don’t know whether I want to.)

This whole thing where the characters don’t have a list of “good traits” and “bad traits”, but rather just general traits that sometimes work out well and sometimes not so much (plus, for everyone, a general lack of chill), is one of the things that make the show interesting. It’s one of the ways in which it has way better characters than you’d expect in this otherwise honestly kind of mediocre show.

Obviously, the people who dislike (parts of) the show aren’t wrong, that’s just a matter of opinion. But I think that if you just wait for the moment when the show finally shows Adrien to be Marinette B, then you miss a lot of what makes the show so damn interesting.

#miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #Marinette dupain-cheng #long post #mlb meta

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supernatural---imagines · 4 years ago

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Girlfriend Part 3: Just One Night (Dean Imagine)

Series Summary: Sam’s suspicious behaviour has you and Dean curious enough to follow him, to find out he is meeting with a Demon in secret leaves you both in shock. Based on S4 demon blood story line with a darker ending.

Pairings: Dean X Reader, Sam X Ruby, Sam X Reader (platonic)

Chapter Summary: You and Dean have grown closer, but a mysterious call from Sam after 6 months brings an unexpected bump in the road. (Again, you don’t have to have read the other parts of the story to read this, it’s just based off Sam’s s4 demon blood story.)

MASTERLIST

It had been 6 months since you found out about Sam, Ruby, the blood. You and Dean had became much closer, an “unofficial official couple” you had named it. You slept in the same bed, told each other you loved them, but for the most part it was very on the down low, and not a lot of romance.

The motel door opening grabbed your attention from your phone as you sat on the end of the bed. You had been looking at a text you sent to Sam two weeks ago.

Please call me back Sam. We we’re best friends, and know I barley know you. I am so worried.

He never responded. That hurt your heart a little.

Dean came busting through the door with a brown paper bag of grocery's in one arm, and a six pack of beer in the other. He had a grin on his face as he entered, and leaned down to kiss your temple on the way past to the kitchen counter. He set everything down and reached into his back pocket.

“Here babe” He spoke to you as he held out a $100 bill. You got up off the bed confused. You took it from him sheepishly.

“What is this for?” You looked at him with furrowed brows.

“We just cleaned up a case yesterday, nothing on the radar, nothing from Bobby. We deserve a stress free night, no monsters. So i’m going to cook something nice, then were going to hit that little bar around the corner.” He guided your body towards his by the sides of your arms. You reached around his neck and pressed your body close, the bill still in your hand.

“While I get it all ready, you’re going to go out and get yourself a sexy little number and get dolled up. I know it’s been a while.” He explained before stealing a kiss.

“You know technically this is our first date.”

“I know. You’ve been so patient with me and with everything that’s been going on with Sam..” His face dropped for a moment when he said his brothers name. He hadn’t seen him since the big confrontation with him and Ruby. He had spoken on the phone once or twice, but Dean couldn’t bare to see him destroying himself with the blood and he made him chose. Sam chose the blood.

“You’re so sweet for doing this.” You gently guided his lips to yours while your fingers ran through his hair. He breathed you in deeply.

“Get out of here” He pecked once more before letting go. You turned around to leave and Dean smacked your ass with an eruption of laughter. You rolled your eyes and smiled as you left the motel room.

You borrowed the impala and drove to the nearest department store and picked out a black body con dress which hugged you in all the right places to accent your curves which you knew would have Dean turn to putty. All he ever saw you in was baggy layers, so anytime you did dress up, even before you got together, he was always left drooling.

You grabbed it from the sale rack along with a new lipstick and mascara. You paid, leaving not a lot of change, and headed back to your boyfriends car. Your phone was laying on the passenger seat and you took a quick glance over at it.

Missed Call: Sam (2)

How did that happen? he hadn’t spoken in months, no longer responded to your texts, but now suddenly there was two missed calls. He must be in real trouble. You started to panic and with shaky hands you called him back. No answer. You tried again, and again. Then you text.

Are you OK? Please answer.

Then you rang once more. Still no answer. You decided it was best to get straight back to the motel and speak to Dean, find out if he had heard anything.

You arrived back and the smell of Deans cooking was a nice greeting, much better than the musty damp scent the motels usually had. You set your bag down on the bed

“Dean, did Sam call?” You asked in a panicked tone rushing over to him.

“No.” He responded sternly, not once looking up from the pot of food his focus was on.

“I had two missed calls and then now he won’t pick up.” You explained.

“And?” Dean turned to look at you with a blank expression.

“What if he’s in trouble?”

“He got himself into trouble the moment he started drinking demon blood” He turned away again.

“No I mean what if he’s hurt?”

“Then Bobby will handle it!” He yelled and dropped the pot on top of the stove. You jumped a little, and when he turned round to see your feared expression, he softened.

“Look, he made his decision 6 months ago. He chose a demon over his own brother, over his best friend.” He gently moved towards you and took your hands. “I am done protecting him. He is a big boy, clearly. He will take care of himself. I just want one stress free night y/n... please.”

“Alright”. You closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. You knew Dean still wanted his baby brother, but not the version of him that was existing now. He was still grieving the Sam he knew, the one he raised, and that would take time. You understood. But at the same time, you still felt as if you should keep reaching out. However, tonight was not the night.

“I’ll drop it. We can enjoy our first proper date. Let me go get tidied up.” You smiled as Dean’s body relaxed at your words. He squeezed your hands and offered you a thank you in the form of a smile.

You left for the bathroom to get changed and put on a bit of make-up. It was hard to keep Sam off your mind, you had to keep telling yourself off every time you thought of him. Even thought you were only alone for 30 minutes, he popped into your head countless times. You told yourself you would call Bobby in the morning to find out if he’s OK, he still kept in contact with Sam. Barley.

You came out of the bathroom and were shocked to see the lights off and the room filled with candles. Dean was in his FBI suit, the only one he owned, serving the plates on to the table which was draped in a cheap paper tablecloth. He had made a chicken dish which smelled amazing. He looked up at you when he heard the door close behind you and his jaw dropped.

“Damn you look amazing” He beamed as he walked towards you.

“You too.” You grinned at him.

He placed your hand in his and led you a few feet to the table, twirling you on the way. He pulled out your chair and pushed you in before taking his own. Your legs intertwined with each others under the tiny table, which was barley big enough to hold the plates and drinks Dean had squeezed on. You started on the food and we’re surprised at how nice it was considering what he had to work with.

“This is really good Dean!”

“I am a man of many talents.” He spoke with a mouth full of food making you snicker a little.

“So, what do you do for a living?” Dean asked.

“Huh?” You looked at him.

“It’s a first date!” He explained

“Oh!” You caught on. “Well I hunt monsters with this really tough, hot, scary monster killer. You better not let him find out about this date.” You jested.

“Oh yeah?” Dean played along. “What’ll he do?”

“He’s very protective over me. And he’d totally kick your ass.”

“Is that right?” He smirked as his hand started to make it’s way up your thigh under the table. It took you by surprise, and butterflies started growing in your stomach and his hand slipped under your dress. You looked into his eyes, mischievous as ever as he bit down on his lip and you parted your legs slightly for him. His hand was inching closer to your panties when your phone rang across the room.

“Don’t answer” Dean pleaded.

“I’m sorry” You stood up from the table and picked up your phone, your heart skipped a beat when you saw Sam’s name on the screen.

“It’s Sam” you gasped. You didn’t wait for a reaction from Dean before you answered.

“Sammy are you OK?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure, are you hurt?”

“I’m OK I promise. But I need your help”

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you until you get here.”

“When? I’m in the middle of something” You looked over at Dean who shook his head before taking a swig of his beer.

“Like right now. What state are you in?”

“We’re in Kansas” Dean left his seat and stood beside you to listen.

“I’m only in Oklahoma. Please, Y/N I need you on this.”

“Sam I-”

“I’ll text the address.” He hung up. You dropped the phone on the bed and sighed running your hand through your hair. Dean took a few steps back and looked at you waiting for answers.

“Dean what do I do?” You asked, to your surprise welling up instantly. Dean walked away and bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose to keep himself calm. You could see his clenching jaw from the side and you knew he wouldn’t want you to go.

“It’s Sam.” You pushed.

“Is it though?” He spun on his heel and paced back closer to you. “You don’t hear from him for weeks, months, now all of a sudden he needs you help with what? a case? Lilith?”

“He didn’t say.” You whimpered, preparing yourself for the inevitable argument.

“All I wanted was one frigging stress free night! Just you and me!” He roared. You didn’t answer him.

“I don’t want to fight. But if you leave now and go see him.. this is over.” Dean spoke lowly. The tears tripped down your cheeks as the words came out of Dean’s mouth. You could see in his eyes he hurt to say it.

“He’s your baby brother. You can’t give up on him.” You pleaded with Dean.

“Y/N, he’s a monster. It’s been 6 months, do we know if he’s even still human?”

“You don’t mean that.” You breathed sharply to control your emotion. Dean wandered to the bed and he began to cry, his shoulder slouched as his arms resting on his knees caught his face. You sat beside him and placed your hand on his back, rubbing in gentle circular motions.

“If I see him, and he’s not? If he’s not fully human any more? I’ll have to kill him.” He looked at you with tears streaming, causing your own to start up again.

“I understand. I do. But I care so much for him and I won’t forgive myself if I don’t even at least find out what is going on”

He didn’t respond. He fell back on the bed and buried his face in the crook of his elbow. Sam stuff hit him hard. You wiped away tears many times in the past 6 months, and he had done the same for you. That’s what hurt him now, he had told you his fears about Sam and why he had to cut him out, but you still wanted to see him anyway.

“He’s my family too. And if it’s a trap or whatever.. then I’ll get out.” You explained. He still stayed silent. You got up from the bed and swapped the cheap heels you had on for your boots. You grabbed one of Dean’s shirts that was lying on top of his duffle and put it over your little black dress. Eventually Dean stood up from the bed, taking off his suit jacket and walking towards you as you stood by the door. He placed his palm on the back of your neck and searched into your eyes.

“Please. Don’t” He begged. You pressed your lips to his, still wet from the tears. You completely drank him in, knowing this could be the last time you ever kiss him. He reciprocated hard, he was trying to give you a reason to stay. You broke the kiss and stepped back from his grip.

“I have to. I’m sorry.” You walked out the motel door and closed it behind you. You leaned against the door for a moment to catch your breath when you heard thumping on the wall. You knew it was Dean, he didn’t know how to handle his anger. You wanted to be there so badly for him, and you would be if he lets you when you get back. But Sam first.

READ PART 4

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester one shot #dean winchester imagine #supernatural x reader #dean winchester

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spnwatch · 4 years ago

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Season 2: The Rankings

Whew. Oh boy.

They were still puttering about in season 1 to an extent. But now? Now they’ve really hit their stride. This season was a veritable chocolate box of delights and I ate my way through it. The overall myth arc was kind of nonsensical, but that emotional throughline? Christ. Spn buries SO MUCH emotional complexity into its leads, and they cashed in every cent in that two part finale. It packs one hell of a punch. And yeah, okay, I knew the broad strokes, the twists and turns. It’s hard not to be spoilered for a season of tv that aired over a decade ago. But reader! It mattered not!! I. Still. Wept. That’s when you know it’s the good kush. 1.) 2x12: NIGHTSHIFTER. This one just snagged the top spot by merit of its sheer ambition. Supernatural often feels like a very empty universe to me, just two guys and one car drifting from place to place. Which is fine, it makes for compelling TV, but they totally flipped the script here and this episode really dazzles precisely because of that contrast. It’s a huge, cinematic episode, a metropolitan setting full of uncontrollable elements, and it’s great to see Sam and Dean so profoundly vulnerable. The outside world is pressing up against the windows. They have sniper dots trained on them! They are, literally and figuratively, out of their depth! We’re not in Kansas any more, baby. God, I haven’t even mentioned the supporting characters. The entire mandroid rant deserves an Emmy. Victor Henrickson’s entrance! Heist movie antics! Agh! 10/10

2.) 2x07: THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Again this episode was a cut above precisely because it showed us what the brothers look like from the outside: sketchy as all hell. It’s so good when reality ensures, because it’s great to be reminded they lead objectively insane lives! Through Linda Blair’s eyes we get to see just how unknowable, feral and amoral they appear to the eyes of polite society. Put under a microscope like this, they’re scary guys! They’re just not socialised like normal people. They don’t really care about being arrested, or about the felonies. Getting arrested is an irritant above everything else. They’re still working the case from the inside. They’re professionals; excellent liars, and totally in sync with each other. The handwritten notes they pass, like delinquent school kids! A delight! The thrill lies in watching Blair slowly unwrap their strange logic, and unravel the mystery of both the brothers and the ghost. Ugh, what a great perspective shift. I’m 100% here for it. 10/10

3.) 2x09: CROATOAN. Ugh, this setting. Small Town Gothic, complete with eerie mist, hostile locals and creepy Stepford vibes. Sam really shone in this episode. He’s so soothing and giant, and it made his suffering at the end all the more devastaing. The real reason this episode ranks so highly is their conversation in the surgery. It just killed me. Dean’s sheer, bone-deep exhaustion, his admission that he’s tired of the life. Sam’s despair, because he knows Dean won’t leave. The performances were so steller. I can’t even really think too deeply about it because it makes me too crazy. 10/10

4.) 2x21: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: PART ONE. I loved this finale so much more than the finale in Season 1, LOL. It might just be because I’m more invested now, who knows. The opening of this episode is a piece of art: Boston playing on the car stereo, the rain, the small cafe, the lighting. Gorgeous. I love when they have to interact with ordinary people! It adds so much: texture, humour, personality! It draws things out of Sam and Dean that we just don’t see when they have each other to bounce off of. It was so good to see Ava and Andy again. “I just woke up in freakin’ Frontierland!” The gang’s all here, folks! This episode would rank higher, but recieves minus points for the long boring speech the demon gives Sam, and killing off the first gay in the show 0.2 seconds after her introduction. Anyway. The ending of course unzipped me; Dean cradling Sam’s dead body, muttering “It’s okay, it’s not even that bad.” The elation of their reunion, so devastaingly cut short! Sam, twenty two years old, bleeding out in the mud. The sheer, hopelessness of it all. The horror. My notes for the end of the episode simply read: “Dean oh Christ. Oh my God. Oh no.” It’s just one of those scenes that stay with you long after the credits start rolling. 9/10

5.) 2x20: WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE. I never thought I could be so profoundly upset by watching a man happily mowing a lawn. Dean’s trauma over the loss of his mother has undercut the whole show up until this point, and here it bursts to the fore. What really got me was the simplicity of it all. Just a sit-down dinner, an engagement. A beer on the porch. Fuck, he deserves it. He deserves everything. All the performances were great, they really served to show there’s a whole life in these AU characters. The fact it wasn’t all perfect was bizarrely more devastating. AU Sam’s weird straight hair and dorky jacket sealed the deal for me, as did his baffled terror in the warehouse. But even here, with no training and no idea what’s happening, he gets into the Impala! Because that’s his brother! Because I’m a huge baby I had to remove points because of how upsetting I found Sam’s quiet hostility towards Dean, HA. But that’s really just a testament to how well-realised their dynamic has become by the second season. 9/10

6.) 2x15: TALL TALES. Every single thing Sam does in any of Dean’s memories. Also alien slowdance set to “Lady in Red.” Also Bobby breaking them up like they’re petulant children. Gold, all of it gold. 9/10

7.) 2x11: PLAYTHINGS. So I’m a slut for a cool setting, obviously. Turns out, Supernatural did The Haunting of Bly Manor fifteen years ago. The swimming pool! The attic! Creepy dolls! The weird little playground! This episode has it all! I loved the saga between the ghost sister and the old lady, which would honestly make a killer movie in its own right. But I’m digressing. The main star of this episode was, of course, Dean’s profound and escalating sexual insecurities. “Well, you are kinda butch. People probably think you’re overcompensating.” FATALITY. I would’ve placed this one higher but the weird incestuous undertones kinda squicked me out... however, I did think we were meant to be creeped out by it, which is more than I can say for some other uh. Instances. It was, after all, beautifully paralelled at the end with the two sisters reuniting in death. “I can’t leave here, and you can’t leave me.” SHUDDER. Also, honestly, can Sam have one (1) breakdown on his own without Dean’s own emotional baggage taking over? Older siblings, smh. 9/10

8.) 2x22: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: PART TWO. This one ranks lower than part one purely because I thought the yellow-eyed demon’s overall plot was kinda nonsensical, and I cared not for John’s weird deux ex machina moment. Like do you expect me to feel sorry for that bitch? I don’t! Anyway, that being said, let’s move on to Dean’s eyes in the junkyard when Bobby asks him, “do you have that low an opinion of yourself?” They’re so flat. So dead, like a shark’s. He doesn’t need to say anything back, because it’s all over his face. That non-expression says it all. This is the culmination of the emotional arc that began with his savage beatdown of the Impala in episode 2x02. To call it survivor’s guilt wouldn’t even begin to cover what Dean goes through this episode. It’s all in Ackles’ performance; in the the way he yells, “What am I supposed to do now, Sammy?” The complete claustrophobia of it all. There’s nothing for it but to make the deal. Dean’s been moving inexorably towards this moment for the entire season. 9/10

9.) 2x13: HOUSES OF THE HOLY. What a kooky little episode! Magic fingers! Sam’s costcutter seance purchases! The scooby-doo placemat he uses as a makeshift altar! I love him, your honour. Obviously this episode has a lot of *~dramatic irony~* in it because of the later seasons, but it stands alone as a total banger. I was so gutted for Sam when the "angel” was revealed. So many good little Sam moments to be found in this episode. His soft, quiet little revelation that he prays every day. His awkward, earnest explanation to the horrified priest! Dean gets some great moments chasing down the would-be rapist down those dark, snow-covered streets. His speech to Sam where he explains his lack of belief is brief, but it’s a total gut punch. Rounding it off with Knockin on Heaven’s Door was just the cherry on top. 9/10

10.) 2x14: BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN. Ahaha I love the way Dean acts whenever Sam’s psychic powers come up. He treats him like a rebellious teen, it’s so funny. “What’s going on with you, Sam? Smokin’, drinkin’?” As if Sam’s behaviour was a) at all under his control or b) anything Dean wouldn’t HIMSELF do. Dean’s just like, this isn’t how I raised you! Truly hysterical. The whole sequence between Meg!Sam and Jo was fantastic and horrible. Sam’s huge physique is never threatening, but it really was in that moment. The interplay between them was totally spine-tingling. Meg’s impression Sam slowly crumbling away over the course of the episode was so compelling and I’m sure it will be a really fun rewatch now I know the *twist*. 9/10

Favourite lines this season:

The way Sam says “black cat’s bone” in 2x08

“You’re not gonna go kill somebody because a ghost told you to, are you insane?!” - Dean, 2x13

“Dean, this is a very serious investigation, we don’t have time for your blah blah blah blah.” - Sam (according to Dean), 2x15

“I’m fine, except for every single thing that’s happening.” - Ava, 2x21

#I feel like I'm exposing myself as a sam girl here #I love them equally I swear #supernatural #there's so much i left out like my comprehensive love for JO #what does she have? A KNIFE #I just didn't really dig NO EXIT as an episode sadly #spnwatch

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grubbyduck · 5 years ago

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No Man’s Land - an essay on feminism and forgiveness

I have always proudly named myself a feminist, since I was a little girl and heard my mum proudly announcing herself as a feminist to anyone who would listen.

But I believe the word 'feminist' takes on a false identity in our collective imagination - it is seen as hard, as baked, severe, steadfast, stubborn and rooted. From a male perspective, it possibly means abrasive, or too loud, or intimidatingly intolerant of men. From a female perspective, though, these traits become revered by young feminists; the power of knowing what you think and never rolling over! My experience of being a feminist throughout my life has been anything but - it has been a strange and nebulous aspect of my identity; it has sparked the familiar fires of bravery, ambition, rage, sadness and choking inarticulacy at times, sure, but at other times it has inspired apathy, reactionary attitudes, bravado and dismissivness. And at other, transitive times, it caused me to rethink my entire outlook on the world. And then again. And then again.

In primary school, I read and re-read Sandi Toksvig’s book GIRLS ARE BEST, which takes the reader through the forgotten women of history. I didn’t feel angry - I felt awed that there were female pirates, women on the front line in the world wars, women at the forefront of invention, science and literature. I still remember one line, where it is revealed that NASA’s excuse for only hiring six women astronauts compared to hundreds of men was that they didn’t stock suits small enough.

When I was 13, I tried to start a girl's rugby team at my school. I got together 15 girls who also wanted to form a team. We asked the coaches if they would coach us - their responses varied from 'maybes' to straight up 'no's. The boys in our year laughed at us publicly. We would find an old ball, look up the rules online, and practise ourselves in free periods - but the boys would always come over, make fun of us and take over the game until we all felt too insecure to carry on. I shouted at a lot of boys during that time, and got a reputation among them as someone who was habitually angry and a bit of a buzzkill. Couldn't take a joke - that kind of thing.

When I was around 16, I got my first boyfriend. He was two years older (in his last year of sixth form) and seemed ever so clever to me. He laughed about angry feminists, and I laughed too. He knew I classified myself as a feminist, but, you know, a cool one - who doesn't get annoyed, and doesn't correct their boyfriends' bulging intellects. And in any case, whenever I did argue with him about anything political or philosophical, he would just chant books at me, list off articles he'd read, mention Kant and say 'they teach that wrong at GCSE level'. So I put more effort into researching my opinions (My opinions being things like - Trump is a terrible person who should not be elected as President - oh yeah, it was 2016), but every time I cited an article, he would tell me why that article was wrong or unreliable. I couldn't win. He was a Trump supporter (semi-ironically, but that made it even worse somehow) and he voted Leave in the Brexit referendum. He also wouldn't let me get an IUD even though I had terrible anxiety about getting pregnant, because of his parents' Catholicism. He sulked if he ever got aroused and then I didn’t feel like having sex, because apparently it ‘hurts’ men physically. One time I refused sex and he sulked the whole way through the night, refusing to sleep. I was incensed, and felt sure that my moral and political instincts were right, but I had been slowly worn down into doubting the validity of my own opinions, and into cushioning his ego at every turn - especially when he wasn't accepted into Oxford.

When I was 17/18, I broke up with him, and got on with my A Levels. One of them was English Literature. I remember having essay questions drilled into us, all of which were fairly standard and uninspired, but there was one that I habitually avoided:

'Discuss the presentation of women in this extract'

It irritated me beyond belief to hear the way that our class were parroting phrases like 'commodification and dehumanisation of women' in order to get a good grade. It felt so phony, so oversimplified, and frankly quite insulting. I couldn't bear reading classic books with the intent of finding every instance that the author compares a woman to an animal. It made me so sad! I couldn't understand how the others could happily write about such things and be pleased with their A*. As a keen contributor to lessons, my teacher would often call on me to comment in class - and to her surprise, I think, my responses about 'women's issues' were always sullen and could be characterised by a shrug. I wanted to talk about macro psychology, about Machievellian villains, about Shakespreare's subversion of comic convention in the English Renaissance. I absolutely did not want to talk about womb imagery, about men’s fixation and sexualisation of their mothers or about docile wives. In my application for Cambridge, I wrote about landscape and the psyche in pastoral literature, and got an offer to study English there. I applied to a mixed college - me and my friends agreed that we’d rather not go if we got put into an all female college.

When I was 19, I got a job as an actor in a touring show in my year out before starting at Cambridge. I was the youngest by a few years. One company member - a tall, handsome and very talented man in his mid-twenties - had the exact same job title as me, only he was being paid £100 more than me PER WEEK. I was the only company member who didn’t have an agent, so I called the producers myself to complain. They told me they sympathised, that there just wasn’t enough money in the budget to pay me more - and in the end, I managed to negotiate myself an extra £75 per week by taking on the job of sewing up/fixing any broken costumes and puppets. So I had more work, and was still being paid 25% less. The man in question was a feminist, and complained to his agent (although he fell through on his promise to demand that he lose £50 a week and divide it evenly between us). He was a feminist - and yet he commented on how me and the other woman in the company dressed, and told us what to wear. He was a feminist, only he slept with both of us on tour, and lied to us both about it. He was a feminist, only he pitted me against and isolated me from the only other woman in the company, the only person who may have been a mentor or a confidante. He was a feminist, only he put me down daily about my skills as a performer and made me doubt my intelligence, my talent and my worth.

When I was 20, I started at Cambridge University, studying English Literature. Over the summer, I read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why Does He Do That’ which is a study of abusers and ‘angry and controlling men’. It made me realise that I had not been given the tools to recognise coercive and controlling behaviour - I finally stopped blaming myself for attracting controlling men into my life. I also read ‘Equal’ by Carrie Gracie, about her fight to secure equal pay for equal work at the BBC in 2017-2019. It was reading that book that I fully appreciated that I had already experienced illegal pay discrimination in the workplace. Both made me cry in places, and it felt as though something had thawed in me. I realised that I was not the exception. That ‘women’s issues’ do apply to me. In my first term at Cambridge, I wrote some unorthodox essays. I wrote one on Virginia Woolf named ‘The Dogs Are Dancing’ which began with a page long ‘disclaimer for my womanly emotions’ that attempted to explain to my male supervisor how difficult it is for women to write dispassionately and objectively, as they start to see themselves as unfairly separate, excluded and outlined from the male literary consciousness. He didn’t really understand it, though he enjoyed the passion behind my prose.

The ‘woman questions’ at undergraduate level suddenly didn’t seem as easy, as boring or as depressing as those I had encountered at A Level. I had to reconcile with the fact that I had only been exposed to a whitewashed version of feminism throughout my life. At University, I learned the word Intersectionality - and it made immediate and ferocious sense to me. I wrote an essay on Aphra Behn’s novella ‘Oroonoko’, which is about a Black prince and his pursuit of Imoinda, a Black princess. I had to get to grips with how a feminist author from the Renaissance period tackled issues of race. I had to examine how she dehumanised and sexualised Imionda in the same way that white women were used to being treated by men. I had to really question to what extent Aphra Behn was on Imionda’s side - examine the violent punishment of Oroonoko for mistreating her. I found myself really wanting to believe that Behn had done this purposefully as social commentary. I mentioned in my essay that I was aware of my own white female critical ingenuity. For the first time, I was writing about something I didn’t have any personal authority over in my life - I had to educate myself meticulously in order to speak boldly about race.

As I found myself surrounded by more women who were actively and unashamedly feminist, I realised just how many opinions exist within that bracket. I realised that I didn’t agree with a lot of other feminists about aspects of the movement. I started to only turn up to lectures by women. I started to only read literary criticism written by women - not even consciously; I just realised that I trusted their voices more intrinsically. I started to wish I had applied to an all female college. I realised that all female spaces weren’t uncool - that is an image that I had learned from men, and from trying to impress men. The idea that Black people, trans people, that non binary people could be excluded from feminism seemed completely absurd to me. I ended up in a mindset that was constructed to instinctively mistrust men. Not hate - just mistrust. I started to get fatigued by explaining basic feminist principles to sceptical men.

I watched the TV show Mrs America. It made my heart speed up with longing, with awe, with nerves, sorrow, anger - again, it showed me how diverse the word Feminism is. The longing I felt was for a time where feminist issues seemed by comparison clear-cut, and unifying. A time where it was good to be angry, where anger got stuff done. I am definitely angry. The problem is, the times that feminism has benefitted me and others the most in my life is when I use it forgivingly and patiently. When I sit in my anger, meditate on it, control it, and talk to those I don’t agree with on subjects relating to feminism with the active intent to understand their point of view. Listening to opinions that seemed so clearly wrong to me was the most difficult thing in the world - but it changed my life, and once again, it changed my definition of feminism.

Feminism is listening to Black women berating white feminists, and rather than feeling defensive or exempt, asking questions about how I have contributed to a movement that excludes women of colour. Feminism is listening to my mother’s anxieties about trans women being included in all-female spaces, and asking her where those anxieties stem from. Feminism is understanding that listening to others who disagree with you doesn’t endanger your principles - you can walk away from that conversation and know what you know. Feminism is checking yourself when you undermine or universalise male emotion surrounding the subject. Feminism is allowing your mind to change, to evolve, to include those that you once didn’t consider - it is celebrating quotas, remembering important women, giving thanks for the fact that feminism is so complex, so diverse, so fraught and fought over.

Feminism is common ground. It is no man’s land. It is the space between a Christian housewife and a liberated single trans woman. It is understanding women of other races, other cultures, other religions. It is disabled women, it is autistic women, it is trans men who have biologically female medical needs that are being ignored. It is forgiveness for our selfishness. It feels impossible.

The road to feminism is the road to enlightenment. It is the road to Intersectional equity. It is hard. It is a journey. No one does it perfectly. It is like the female orgasm - culturally ignored, not seen as necessary, a mystery even to a lot of women, many-layered, multitudinous, taboo, comes in waves. It is pleasure, and it is disappointment.

All I know is that the hard-faced, warrior version of feminism that was my understanding only a few years ago reduced my allies and comrades in arms to a small group of people who were almost exaclty like me and so agreed with me on almost everything. Flexible, forgiving and inquisitive feminism has resulted in me loving all women, and fighting for all women consciously. And by fighting for all women, I also must fight for Black civil rights, for disabled rights, for Trans rights, for immigrant rights, for homeless rights, for gay rights, and for all human rights because women intersect every one of these minorities. My scoffing, know-it-all self doing my A Levels could never have felt this kind of love. My ironic jokes about feminists with my first boyfriend could never have made any woman feel loved. My frustration that my SPECIFIC experience of misogyny as a white, middle-class bisexual woman didn’t feel related to the other million female experiences could never have facilitated unity, common ground, or learning to understand women that existed completely out of my experience as a woman.

My feminism has lead me to becoming friends with some of those boys who mocked me for wanting to play rugby, and with the woman that was vying with me over that man in the acting company for 8 months. It is slowly melting my resentment towards all men - it is even allowing me to feel sorry for the men who have mistreated me in the past.

I guess I want to express in this mammoth essay post that so far my feminist journey has lead me to the realisation that if your feminism isn’t growing you, you aren’t doing it right. Perhaps it will morph again in the future. But for now, Feminism is a love of humanity, rather than a hatred of it. That is all.

#Feminism #yooo i have written a thesis lol #didn’t mean to do that it all kind of flowed out #intersectional feminism #forgiveness #carrie gracie #mrs america #why does he do that #lundy bancroft #equal pay #equal rights #literature #university #school #oroonoko #aphra behn

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simsadventures · 5 years ago

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Another Day on the Job

Summary: You hunt with the Winchesters, while dating the older brother. When you get another werewolf case, it seems like it will be just another day hunting. But what if it turns out to be a literal nightmare?

Warnings: fluff, werewolves, angst, character’s death, swearing

Pairing: Dean Winchester x huntress!Reader

Word Count: 2077

A/N: This story has been requested by the special @flamencodiva. Hopefully this story is something you guys will enjoy, despite the angst, or maybe because of it? ;) . Let me know what you guys thought :) xx Full request: May I request A Dean Winchester x Reader where the reader dives in front of him to protect him from a monsters attack?

Dean Winchester Masterlist __ Masterlist

Dean looked around him and saw a familiar surrounding. A crappy motel room, with two queen-sized beds, faded yellow-green wallpaper with what probably used to be a floral design, one old and a shabby table with two different chairs sitting opposite each other, and a door ajar to the bathroom, which looked more like a scene from a shitty horror movie than anything else.

He sat up on the bed, and looked towards the table where you and Sam were sitting, both on your notebooks, clicking furiously, trying to find what killed those two couples.

Dean knew what killed them, it was fairly evident from the way the victims were mutilated, but the two of you just wanted to be 100% sure before you went on a hunt.

He slumped back on the bed and put his arms behind his head, just watching you work. He was fairly sure that if you saw him awake, you’d be pissed at him for not helping the two of you, but he really couldn’t be less bothered. It was a werewolf or a pack of them, and all you had to do was to take your silver bullets and get hunting.

You scrunched your nose at something you were reading, and Dean had to smile. He loved those little wrinkles around your eyes and nose from your grimaces. You always complained about them, but to Dean, there wasn’t a single thing he would change on you. You were perfect just the way you were.

From the way, your hair was all over the place when you woke up because you turned left and right the whole night, or the way you snorted when Dean said something really funny or stupid, he loved it all.

He was quite sure he was daydreaming when he heard a cough from the table, and when he looked back at you, he saw you staring at him with your brow raised. He smiled apologetically and got up to kiss your forehead, which made Sam roll his eyes at the two of you.

“Alright, so we know it was at least two different werewolves from the scarred tissue on the second and third victim, so we gotta prepare. There may be more, we can’t be sure, so just be ready, ok?” Sam said sternly, getting up from the table and going to get his bag full of handguns.

You looked at Dean, and you both rolled your eyes at Sammy’s behaviour. Sure, werewolves could be bitches, but it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle. You’ve been through much worse than a bunch of crazy beasts, and so it seemed a little unnecessary for Sam to act so tough. But you weren’t about to protest, because you knew you’d get a lecture on safety and whatnot, and you weren’t in the mood, not that you ever were.

Dean pecked your lips lovingly, and you caressed his cheek, revelling at the feeling of his stubble under your fingertips. Dean loved it when you touched him, whether it was his cheek, his back, or little Dean, it didn’t matter to him. Your touch was like a remedy for him, and he sought it all the time.

You got up from the table and went to get your things, Dean hot on your heels, slapping your ass cheek in the process. You had to giggle at his childishness, and the sound was music to Dean’s ears.

He remembered the first time he heard your laugh and even then he thought it was the cutest sound he’s ever heard. It was at Jody’s party, which you attended because you have been Jody’s friend for years. When Dean saw you, he thought you were totally out of his league. You looked like a badass even from afar, and he knew that his regular moves wouldn’t be enough to get you where he wanted you.

Safe to say, it took him almost 6 months to even ask you out, and even then he was a stuttering mess, and you had to try really hard not to laugh at his adorably flushed face. But you went out with him, and he made sure you didn’t get away.

Five years later, you were still by his side, and you two were stronger than ever. Hunting together, eating junk food and drinking together, having so much sex even Dean had a hard time walking some days, this relationship was everything Dean ever dreamt of.

Dean snapped out of it when he realised you were walking out of the door to join Sammy by the Baby, and Dean rushed to get his own things, and he sprinted out of the door to get to the driving seat before Sam got any ideas.

The drive towards the place where you supposed the werewolves were hiding was filled with light chatter between you and Dean, talking about what you’d have for dinner, and what movie you wanted to see. There was one particular with Chris Evans that you were super excited about, and even though Dean knew it was most probably just to stare at Chris Evans for 2 hours straight, he agreed to watch it with you. At least then he could be there to cover your eyes if Evans was to put down his shirt… Dean wouldn’t want you to think of any other man in bed, and he would make sure that it never happened!

When you got to the abandoned cottage on the outskirts of the town, you both shut up and turned on your hunters’ modes. The ones where you were alert to any sound around you, listening to your instinct like it was speaking directly in your ear.

You squeezed Dean’s hand, something you always did before the actual hunt, and he squeezed back, telling you that the three of you got this. He was sure that it would be one of the easier hunts, and the three of you could be home by the next afternoon.

You crept towards the cottage, each brother taking a different side so that you had most of the ground covered, and when you saw the first werewolf, already turned into the monster, you hollered at the boys and attacked him.

What you thought would be a pack of three wolves at most, turned out to be one with 10 of them. There was a lot of yelling and guns firing, screeching and gurgling and whatnot, from the dying monsters in front of you.

From the corner of his eye, Dean saw that there were people in the cottage, tied up to chairs, probably waiting for slow deaths, and he felt pretty great to have come at that particular moment. He could be proud of all that hard work later when the man and the woman inside were actually free, and they could live their lives happily, even if probably traumatised for the rest of their lives.

Dean was lunging at his third werewolf because the guns just weren’t enough and he had to use his knife. Dean fought off the monster, only to have it lunge at him again, this time with much more strength. Still, it didn’t faze Dean, and so when the werewolf tried to attack his right side, Dean ducked and coming back up, he pierced the knife through its throat, slicing a clean line.

While he was busy doing that, he forgot to look around himself.

He thought all the werewolves were dead and so it came as a surprise when he heard a grave howl from somewhere behind him, and when he turned around, a werewolf was running straight to him. But because he was relatively close, Dean didn’t have the time to move, and so he just stood there, waiting for the inevitable.

He heard a pained scream, and when he looked down, he saw you in front of him, with a werewolf’s claw wedged deep inside your chest.

Dean heard himself yell, and he took the knife he was holding and shoved it deep inside the beast’s heart. He didn’t care what happened after that because he was too busy inspecting your injuries. And boy, were they bad.

“Stay with me, Y/N! You hear me? You’re gonna be alright, we just gotta call Cas real fast, baby,” Dean sobbed, not even realising he was crying until he felt something hot coming down his cheeks.

“‘M fine, babe! I’m always fine. It’s just a little scratch,” you whispered, your voice raspy and shaky.

Dean could see your eyes closing and the way you tried to fight their weight, but it was obviously stronger than you. He was praying like crazy for Castiel to come, to heal the love of his life because he couldn’t even begin to imagine what life would be like without you in it.

Your chest was now bleeding heavier and heavier, and when he looked around, he could see a bunch of dead werewolves, but not Sammy. Dean only hoped Sam was also praying to whoever was listening to come and help his girl.

“I love you, Dean, and I-“

“NO!” Dean yelled, hugging you to his chest tightly. “Don’t make it sound like you’re saying goodbye. You’re not going anywhere, you’ll be fine, you’ll be-“

When Dean looked down into his arms, he saw your lifeless body slumped against his chest, your eyes closed, and your mouth ajar.

Dean closed his eyes and chanted your name like a prayer, trying to think of something to do just to get you back. He could hear somebody calling his name, but it felt like it was too far away, and frankly, Dean didn’t care. He couldn’t concentrate on anything else but your dead form in his arms.

—-

Something or someone was shaking his whole body, and when he opened his eyes, Dean saw your worried face staring down at him. He sat up so fast he almost hit your forehead.

He was breathing heavily, and he tried to remember where he was and what was happening. Was it Gabriel playing tricks again? Did he go to some kind of fantasy land to be able to be with you?

“Baby, what is going on? You were crying out my name while you were sleeping. Are you alright?” You asked him worriedly, touching his cheek in the process. This small move and the feeling in Dean’s stomach told him that this was very much real, that you were actually there with him, and that it wasn’t any trick or joke.

“We- we were on a werewolf hunt in Tacoma, and, and you jumped in front of me to save me and the beast got you and you fucking died in my arms!” Dean said, his breathing still shallow and heavy from all the panic he felt not moments ago.

You smiled at him and brought him to your chest, patting his head and letting your fingers wove into his hair to massage his scalp. When you finally felt his shoulders relax, and his breathing got back to normal, you pushed him away slightly, only to grab his face in your hands, making him face you.

“That hunt happened two weeks ago, Dean. And while I did try to get between you and the werewolf, Sammy was faster, and he shot it before it could actually hurt me. It scratched me, sure, but I’ve been through worse,” you smiled at him, and let him connect all the dots.

Dean suddenly realised that what you were saying was true. You had a little scar between your breast from the werewolf’s claw, but that was it. You didn’t die in his arms, nor did you even bleed that bad.

He sighed heavily, and let you draw him near you once again. Making your scent and your voice calm and soothe him enough that he could fall asleep again. It was all just a bad dream. But deep down, Dean knew that it could happen any day in this line of work, and he had to make sure you knew just how much you meant to him.

He would drive to the city tomorrow and buy you a ring. You deserved a fucking diamond for all you had to go through with him. He would make you his wife to show fate his middle finger. You two would survive this shit-show of a world. Or you would go down kicking. Both of you.

Supernatural Taglist

@voltage-my2dlove @defenderrosetyler

Dean Taglist

@team-free-will-you-idjiot

Forever Tag:

@eileenalone @sasbb23 @p8tn0lish @coffeebooksandfandom @waiting4inspiration @caswinchester2000 @mogaruke @justthatfangirloverthere @mushyjellybeans @livsheph @sebbbystaaan @notyourtypicalrose @itsunclebucky

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thewintermusketeer · 5 years ago

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This started off as a little reddie drabble to cheer up @skinks , based off her tags and thirsting for bill hader, particularly inspired by this post. It’s now over 1.5k and I absolutely did not read it over before punting it off to my love @benevolentbridgetroll to look over, so if this makes sense it is only due to her help.

Disclaimer: I have not seen the movie/read the book/am not part of this fandom so this is purely based of the SCU (skinks cinematic universe).

They’ve been couch shopping. Of all the things, that’s the catalyst. If Eddie were a pessimist (which he’s not, he’s just sensible, Christ, Richie, it is literally my job to think about worst case scenarios) then he’d say the whole ‘being stabbed in the face and then stabbed again in an even more vital area, in a manner commonly called impaling’ had messed with his judgement. However, that would imply that something else is messing with his reasoning, and Eddie has been through enough therapy by now to understand exactly which thoughts and behaviours are his own. And this? Unfortunately, this is all Eddie.

Anyway, the issue is that Richie sat on a couch. A couch that they were buying together, because they live together. They live together, and they cook together (or rather Eddie tries to cook healthily, and then when he ruins it Richie makes something with far too much fat and salt in it, that’s still better than take out at least). They go shopping for groceries together. They’re the most boring middle-aged couple in the world, and yet neither of them have actually got the balls to call themselves one. They both know there’s something there. Something hanging in the space between them, important words swallowed behind more and more insults because Eddie never thought he’d feel like he’d die if he didn’t hear another ‘yo mama’ joke. It was strong enough for Eddie to move to Florida with Richie, to get away from New York and Myra, even if the latter was something he’d have done anyway, as soon as his memories started coming back. But it’s still unsaid. Not acted upon.

And Eddie is pretty sure they’d have stayed like that for a while longer, in a holding pattern made comfortable by the fact it’s not comfortable; Richie pushes him, dares him and goads him like he did when they were children, and Eddie still can’t believe he forgot how it feels to want to shove Richie right in his stupid square face, even as he can’t stop laughing. Richie makes him feel like life is actually worth living, and not something to be calculated and analysed and rationed. Of course, Richie also makes him feel fucking horny. Which is exactly the problem.

Richie sat on a show couch – and Eddie doesn’t even want to think about how many other fucking people have been near that thing – and Eddie barely stopped himself from crawling onto his lap right there in the shop and jerking off onto his shitty logo t-shirt. He was wearing converse for Christ’s sake. Shoes that provide no fucking ankle or arch support. No forty-year-old man should look sexy wearing converse and a baseball cap. And yet Eddie wanted to measure the exact diameter of Richie’s chest using his thighs. Maybe years of being called a loser and a square had sunk in, subliminally, because the fucking stupid rectangular breadth of Richie’s chest had made Eddie feel crazy. He wanted to be wrapped up in Richie’s gorilla arms, wanted to feel the gentle scratch of his arm hair against his own bare skin. Wanted to watch the clench of Richie’s hands against the back of the sofa if Eddie dropped to his knees in front of him, telling him not to touch his fucking hair until he’d washed his hands, Jesus Christ. Wanted to see if Richie would laugh during sex, as well.

But he didn’t. Instead they bought the couch, after he’d checked the fire regulations. He had left the shop with Richie, who’d slung one arm around his shoulders, and the weight of his arm, the warmth of him against Eddie’s side, was as reassuring as it was a turn-on.

“Guess we’re parents now, Eds. Or, we will be when our bouncing baby boy gets delivered next week.” Eddie feels the laugh building in Richie’s chest before he even speaks. “I’m so glad you kept your figure though, babe, a couch that big must’ve been murder on your hips.”

“You’d know all about bad hips, fuck face, or am I imagining the old man complaining I heard this morning?” Eddie would say he’d replied on autopilot, but a larger portion of his brain than he liked to admit was always focused on Richie, like a radio that always tuned back to one station.

“It’s not my fault your mom rode me so hard last night, is it?”

Eddie hadn’t been able to stop his snort. Forty fucking years old and the same joke was still funny. He’d looked out the corner of his eyes at the dumb smile Richie was sporting, all because he’d made him laugh. Richie needed a shave and stepping outside the air conditioned shop was enough to make his glasses steam up a bit, but it hadn’t stop Eddie’s raging, improbable thoughts about the line of his jaw beneath the stubble, about how he wanted to turn it into a slip n’ slide with his dick. About how he wanted to feel the bob of his Adam’s apple fucking massaging Eddie’s armpit, or something.

Eddie hadn’t even realised they’d reached the car until Richie’s arm left his shoulders as he walked round to the passenger door. But now he was here, sat in the driver’s seat of the car – of course I’m fucking driving Richie, you drive at about 100 miles an hour even though you get car sick – sweat drying on his skin as the A/C blew, unable to tear his eyes away from the long, be-denimed legs that were currently folding themselves into the car. The slight jolt of the car’s suspension as Richie settled the breadth of his shoulders against the seat felt like it went straight to Eddie’s dick.

Fuck it. Fuck this ‘unsaid thing’ bullshit. Fuck pussyfooting around, when the two of them already share a life together. Fuck Richie Tozier in particular, and hopefully fucking soon.

“What’s wrong? Have I got something on my face? I don’t think I do, I’ve been told that that’s unfortunately just how my face is.” Richie’s eyebrows look like they’re attempting to perform the macarena with the kind of enthusiasm only seen at an eight year old’s birthday party when cake time is announced. Eddie wants to lick them.

“Should I get a cool face scar? I mean you’re really pulling it off - ” Eddie cuts Richie off with his mouth. He was aiming for Richie’s lips but he’ll take the chin he gets, mouthing openly, the stubble stinging his lips.

“Wha-” Richie gets out, more an exhalation of air that Eddie feels against his face. He steals Richie’s next breath, kissing him properly, one hand leaning across to brace him against Richie’s thigh. One of Richie’s hands comes up to cradle his face and fuck, Eddie wants it to never leave his body, wants it on his face and his neck and his legs and his back, and to hold it with their fingers interlaced like a promise. Richie pulls back just far enough to press a kiss to the scar on his cheek and Eddie feels like he might cry.

Instead, he says, “I love you. Dickwad.” The insult is tacked on the end almost as an afterthought, because for all it’s funny to insult each other, Eddie wants Richie to know how serious he’s being. The problem is that the moment feels too serious. They’re in their own little bubble in the car, but Eddie is still acutely aware of the people walking past on the other sidewalk, can hear the sounds of traffic. He suddenly wishes it was just the two of them, back in the home they’re making together with their terrible decorating choices and the orthopaedic mattress Eddie is now hoping they’ll be sharing.

Richie’s face turns soft. “I wanted to say it first, asshole. Always stealing my thunder. I can’t have anything in this relationship. Didn’t even get to choose our anniversary date.”

Eddie tightens his grip on the thigh beneath his hand, sliding his fingers down onto Richie’s inseam; Richie’s legs spread gratifyingly fast, and Eddie can’t help but lean back in for another kiss. Richie seems to be trying to suck his tongue into his mouth this time, and he can’t help but be extremely into it. They’re only interrupted by a honk from a passing car, and Eddie is reminded again that getting home is a good idea. He separates himself from Richie reluctantly and fastens his seat belt, raising an eyebrow at Richie until he does the same. He starts the engine, but just before he prepares to pull out the parking space he considers Richie’s last statement.

“You can decide our anniversary if you propose. Of course, your mom might get there first, but if you think about exactly what you want do to when we get back to the house, it might net you preferential treatment.”

Richie looks a bit dazed. “You want a list, baby? I can do that, Mr Sexy Analyst. Alphabetical?”

The look Eddie levels him is particularly judgemental. He cannot believe he’s about to fuck this man. “Chronological, moron.”

“Anything you want, Eds.”

Eddie doesn’t think Richie knows exactly how long that list is. He’s looking forward to finding out himself.

#reddie #it chapter 2 #love confession #first kiss #my writing #my fic

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molnlycke · 4 years ago

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100 DAYS OF SUNLIGHT BY ABBIE EMMONS REVIEW

As a disclaimer I want to say that I found the Youtube channel of Abbie Emmons by one of her ‘write with me’ videos. Following that I watched some of her WritersLifeWednesdays vlogs and thought, this woman has tremendous passion and work put into her craft. She actually gives valuable advice, and the themes of her videos are pretty good. So when I saw that she has a novel of her own published, I wanted to see how she incorporates the stuff she talks about into practical work. This is how I started reading her debut novel: 100 Days of Sunlight.

I was curious, okay?

But oh man, what is this?

This book… I’m sorry it’s just so bad. The mess of glaring problems, plotholes, the …characterisation. Abbie Emmons says every good story is character driven (which I wholeheartedly stand by if it is executed well!!!) but what should I get from this, honestly?

There are too many things screaming PROBLEMATIC here.

But let’s start at the beginning.

The exposition––the first chapter’s building don’t make no sense. It has a twist in it alright, but why start with something that turns out to be a dream (or a scrap of a memory in this case) of the actual past, only to get dumped with everything else that also happened following that scene? All of this is told from the protagonist’s reminiscing of said happening.

- To be clear the book starts with the scene of an accident–the accident in which the protagonist, Tessa loses her sight. A drunk driver with a pickup truck runs the red light crashing into the car Tessa and her grandmother are in. Soon it turns out that’s only a recurring nightmare and she’s been home for one or two weeks (maybe? I don’t remember precisely). By this time she has already lost her sight. Tessa runs the audience over all that happened after the accident (basically in those weeks she got discharged from the hospital etc. etc.) Now my question is why not start the book from the accident itself? It all gets narrated either way.

The next problem is the way first Tessa’s grandparents, and then the WHOLE BOOK just downplays consent. Why? Why would you do that?

- Tessa’s grandparents “know better what’s good for her than she does”–that’s an actual quote from the novel btw. Nothing glaringly alerting in that, I mean adults often have this way of thinking about children. Until… they try to arrange a stranger to help Tessa with transcribing her work. Tessa is a poet with a blog where she posts her work on schedule. Ever since the accident, she doesn’t feel like writing (or blogging for that matter). She’s shut herself off from the virtual world, doesn’t touch her laptop, nor speaks with her internet friends. (Because ofc she’s homeschooled, doesn’t like to go out at all and only has internet friends in the first place.) She’s in her room for most of the day, cries a lot and tries to cope. Whether her coping is good or bad I’m not qualified to say, but she thinks of herself as selfish, lazy, cynical, and depressed most of the time––everything she never wanted to be, things hates with every fibre of her being. She blames herself and basically detests life for beating her down to the ground. She feels she can’t get up even though she’s told, her blindness is a condition that can go away in ninety-something days’ time. I think feeling these emotions are pretty reasonable for a teenager. It’s been like three weeks since the accident, and her newfound blind perspective of life. That can’t be easy. BUT her grandparents know this isn’t healthy, Tessa needs to write. “I haven’t written one verse, one line, one word of poetry. I have no desire to. I have no inspiration, no joy. It’s all gone.” - Tessa from ch.1 So what do Granny and Gramps do following their infinite wisdom? Play the girl. And I’m like, sure dude, harass the child into doing what you want. Sure, don’t try to get her professional help or a psychotherapeutist or something if you think she’s faring so terribly. Sure, run an ad for hiring some part timer to transcribe for the poet who doesn’t want to write anymore. Sure, do it all behind her back. I mean she has PTSD and is blind for now, but yeah, this will most definitely help. Good job! For goodness’ sake they treat the girl like she’s been locked inside her room for months?!

When they share this brilliant plan with Tessa, she freaks out so much the elderly retract the ad. But not before the son of the newspaper’s owner gets a scrap of this new, possible past time activity and decides to be a creep and essentially stalk Tessa. But that’s for later.

Tessa explicitly tells her grandparents she doesn’t want to meet new people, doesn’t want to write, what she needs is time. So the next thing Granny does is pushes an unknown, teenage boy into her blind granddaughter’s room for a chat. Against Tessa’s repeated objections! There’s so much nonsense going on in the sequence of the story. Like one day there comes a boy–a stranger, knocking on the door, saying he’s this and this’ son and wants to help. And because, at a glance, he has prosthetic legs, you invite him first into the house then into your blind teenage granddaughter’s room? Without actually knowing if he is who he says he is? Without knowing the first thing about him? But even if that part is true, and he is who he says–the son of the newspaper’s owner, let’s not forget the mildly stalkerish way the guy’s been acting.

Granny shares a shit load about Tessa’s problems, then flat out tells her to meet Weston. “I told you I don’t want help. And I certainly don’t want anyone touching my laptop. I don’t want to write. I don’t want some stranger coming into my house and feeling sorry for me!” That’s Tessa speaking with Granny prior to the meeting. I mean it’s no biggie if she’s against the whole idea because he could help, right? Is this the American way of handling things? Someone give me a spoon that I can boink myself in the head with to get around this type of mentality.

At the first meeting Tessa has meltdown, screams at Weston and cries. Tells him she doesn’t need help. Tells him not to bother. Tells him she wants him OUT OF HER ROOM. Weston leaves before telling her he’ll be back the next day. And Granny and everyone else is fine with that. So in the following days the nuisance has the audacity to come over, small-talk the grandparents into loving him because he’s so charming everyone is in love with him a little. (That’s another thing from the book, I shit you not, the dude straight up thinks things like this. Yes, I know it’s self-deceit.) Weston forcibly takes over Tessa’s room which is basically the last place she feels comfortable at? Never mind, now someone’s popping in randomly when they think it’s cool, telling her what to do––“I know you don’t need me. But you need to write.” Bitch I think you need to fuck off from people’s lives who don’t want you in it. Just an advice.

One time Tessa wakes up to Weston barging into her room (“...he walks into my room without knocking, at 9.00 a.m., when I’m still in my pajamas”). Granny’s off to do her things leaving the boy to stay and make himself at home. Huh, quite reasonable.

Weston forces Tessa to accept there’s no fleeing this situation––one, the three of them (him and the oldies) constructed for her. Because it’s helping.

That’s basically the question of: where’s the line between wanting to help someone and pushing them even deeper when they’re already at a bad place. But since this is a YA romance everything is nice and good and sorted at the end so Tessa can thank her loving family for forcing their volition on her.

- Here’s another lovely example of consent portrayed in the novel: “I told you I don’t want to go outside.” Weston laughs. “You also told me to get out of your house and never come back.” “And you directly disobeyed my wishes.” “And you’ve been enjoying it...” Please tell me I’m not the only one seeing what’s wrong with this whole dialogue. It’s so disappointing and frankly, discouraging, to see an attitude like this written by a woman, targeted at a young, female audience.

- Oh, there’s their first kiss as well. It’s really really romantic. Weston asks for permission then doesn’t wait for the answer! “I’m gonna kiss you. Is that okay?” It’s not fair, because I don’t give her any time to reply. Instead, I press my lips against hers. Without permission.” ...So why did he even bother to ask? To seem nice? Well, as the saying goes it’s the thought that counts… So is this how consent works? NO! But consent never stood a chance in this book at the first place.

Next up; Characters.

*not @me side-eyeing Abbie’s video about how to craft a strong female protagonist* - I’m not gonna say a lot about Tessa. For me she falls flat like a cut-out. She’s paper thin, and dumb, although she’s the novel’s protagonist. Funny though, I feel she has less to give to the story than Weston, and it’s not just the length of their respective chapters. There’s like 600-700 words from Tessa’s POV (mainly about Weston 80% of the times), then we get a 4k word count chapter from Weston (mainly about his own journey and overcoming his struggles). Tessa’s chapters are either shallow or about her time spent with Weston. Opposed to this Weston has a full arc of him getting over the loss of his legs and standing up from it (quite literally). See what I’m talking about? All I get from Tessa before the accident is that she’s a writer, homeschooled, likes her colour coordinated books, and waffles (like Abbie ha!) (*whispers* and she wears her hair in a messy bun, ofc she does). Oh and she can’t live without WiFi. All I get after the accident is that she’s hurting, angry and blind. And now she has Weston. So her backstory is…..?

- Weston. Oh man where to start. Now he has a backstory. From it we can conclude how idiotic he is. That’s not recklessness or being a teenage boy. I’m sorry but his behaviour is simply idiotic. Sometimes he’s really grown up (taking care of his baby brothers and all) other times he has like 1 (one) braincell operating in his head. Bearing weeks of pain, and not saying anything about it to anyone because that’s not superhero like? WHAT??? He experienced, at the least, three weeks of torturous pain and several days of fever and dizziness, popping Advil like it’s candy. Still, the only one who realised this is his best friend at school and his 10 year old brother who was at the scene of Weston injuring his legs in the first place. What about the parents one might ask. Well Idk. Obviously a 13 year old is so good at deception and sneaking around that adults can’t catch on! On this note I want to gift Parents of the Year Award to Mamma and Pappa Ludovico. With parental supervision like that I’m baffled the child lived up to the age 13.

Weston is the nightmare male lead people usually salivate after in k-dramas stuffed into the body of a 16 year old American boy. Now I’ve never understood those people and their preferences of the bratty, entitled, but oh-so-handsome males and I still don’t understand to this day. Where’s the appeal? Don’t ask me.

I’ll just put down some quotes: “It’s the first time in three years anyone has ever met me without that look of pity on their face. The first time anyone has ever looked at me and not seen me. The first time anyone has stood before me—with perfectly normal legs—and complained about their own problem. The feeling is exhilarating.” So basically this is the so called ‘No one has ever treated me like this. Except this girl, my God, she’s intriguing’. Weston enjoys Tessa’s rude behaviour. “So she’s stubborn. She’s rude. She’s a spitfire wallflower who lost her sight and now hates anyone who tries to help her. Game on.” ...Are you five? “Tessa is the only Dickinson who doesn’t like me.” I have no idea why that could be. But, listen, listen: “I turn around in the desk chair, throwing her a hard look over my shoulder. She’s still sitting rigid and stoic on her bed, staring at nothing. She’s actually really pretty. Her eyes are bluer than mine—the enhanced kind of blue you see in contact lens commercials. She has freckles, too. Just a few, thrown across her nose and cheeks. Her hair is braided today, less messy. She looks so serious. I liked it better when she was screaming and crying.” Idk somehow this sounds like every badly composed romance I’ve ever seen. Let’s just say the progression of the relationship between Weston and Tessa infuriated me 90% of the story. You can help others without being an ass. You can also help others without being a horrible love interest, but that’s for another day. YA contemporaries don’t work like that.

Oh Weston, what a knight in shining armour. Three years prior, he had this thing with Clara Hernandez–a girl from school. It wasn’t real dating but they spent some time together (he walked her to class ooooh~~~) so she became “at the time, my unofficial girlfriend”. Things change after Weston’s accident, of course. He tells her he doesn’t want to continue their ambiguous relationship. And that’s alright, it’s his choice, BUT he then kind of passes the girl to his best friend, so she won’t annoy him anymore? The way he narrates the whole thing is...ugh. “But she wasn’t even dumping me, and we weren’t even dating. We were thirteen years old, for crying out loud.” See, this is Weston thinking about what happened. And this is him telling Rudy about it: “What were you talking to Clara about?” he (Rudy) asked. “I dumped her.” Following in another chapter they talk about how now that the coast is clear––Weston and Clara are through, Rudy should hit on Clara: “He wanted to resist the whole thing and deny his obvious crush on Clara Hernandez. But he couldn’t do anything except laugh and shake his head. He knew I was the best friend he could ever ask for.” Such a kind and caring person for handing out the girl he doesn’t really want to his best friend. Give him a medal for that one. Idk this whole business irked me to no end, like Clara was his possession or something. (Yeah, and the poor girl eventually ended up with Rudy, not like she had any other choice…)

- Downplaying female friendship. Yeah, that one happens as well. When Tessa talks with her friends (her blogging circle) the only thing we as readers can glimpse about their conversation is “Tell us more about the boy,” like... really? Because once again that’s the only thing a group of friends can talk about when one of them suffers an accident resulting in trauma. And Tessa’s answer? “At first, I didn’t like him. I thought he didn’t understand anything about me—even though he acted like he did. And I’m not sure that he understands much, even now. But he’s kind. And patient. And he kept coming back to type poetry for me, so I’ve kind of been forced to make friends with him.” The reply of her friends… “Aw ... He sounds really cute.” Yeah, really cute, forcing you to be friends with him. “How can you not be in love with a boy who makes you waffles?” Well, friend no.5, it’s not that hard… But there’s more. After Tessa gets her sight back the only thing we get from this supporting bubble of warm friends is as follows: “LIV: TESSA HOW ARE YOU FEELING ME: a lot better actually ME: my headache FINALLY went away MARIA: yayy!! ALLISON: PRAISE THE LORD ME: yeah fr KATE: So glad to hear you’re doing better, Tessa! It must be quite a transition omg… GRACIE: I can’t even imagine ME: it’s been pretty crazy ME: but good ME: I guess ME: ugh idk mixed emotions LIV: ???? LIV: TELL US EVERYTHING LIV: if u want to lol ME: ahhh well ME: Weston is kind of not talking to me anymore,” That is it my friends. Two to three sentences about her condition and it’s time to talk about the boy. Is this really how shallow anyone would want to describe the protagonist and her close-knit group of friends talking for the first time after one of them lost their sight? Then again, talking for the first time after she got her sight back? I’m disappointed to say the least.

- I didn’t care for any other character enough to jot down my observations. They were bland, they were there to help the main couple, nothing more, nothing less. Weston’s kid brothers were cute and Rudy seemed like a normal, sane character (I applaud him for that). All I can say is the families in this novel are something else.

The romance.

Okay, let me state before anything else: I like romance if there’s balance. I like romance when the people involved are equals. I believe a relationship, and a good one at that, should have cornerstones. One of them has to be that equality. It also doesn’t hurt if none of the involved parties are assholes. The romance can be of any trope as long as the happy ending is tied to said relationship being healthy. And I don’t mean sorely the end product; the way that relationship is constructed step by step should resemble these things. If not, at least call them out for it. I’m not the advocate of perfect characters or relationships (any kind, not just romance) because that would be really unrealistic. It can be bad, yeah, it can be toxic, or a little messed up in the middle. But for crying out loud reflect that in the storytelling! Do it especially if the story is planned for a younger audience! Now let me make another statement: What I don’t like is that in mostly American YA het-romances there are rarely any of these things.

- This one here is probably supposed to be the writer’s well liked trope of hate-to-love romance, but I feel the concept of kindergarteners is more fitting. The boy forces, the girl yields. But it’s okay because he likes her and wants to help.

There are some cases of harassment sprinkled in, as in one party objecting the other’s closeness or presence and the latter not giving a damn about this. Real respectful; but, hey, that’s part of consent too so I guess it simply flew over our heads in this particular story. A fresh and original concept on romance, wholesome and healthy. And the thing is, Weston actually knows these things. He literally says so in the book, “...until I intruded on Tessa’s life, however it happened.”

And of course Tessa is more pure than fresh snow on white lillies; she’s basically a lotus. Weston is the first boy stepping into her room. Give me a second to freak out about that. It’s so exciting! (Mostly by knowing the circumstances in which he did that.)

The other thing that annoyed me was Weston’s entitlement and holier-than-thou attitude. He knows everything better than Tessa. He knows Tessa better than she herself does WHEN HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT HER. That’s the moral of the story. No, but I’m not kidding, some of his thoughts set me on fire. “She wrote about sunlight and oceans and falling in love, when I’m pretty sure she has no idea what it feels like to fall in love.” I’m sorry, but do you know Tessa? (besides stalking her via the grandparents)???? The audacity, I’m cackling.

- Can someone tell me why Tessa speaks with Weston if she doesn’t want to? I mean besides that this way the story can go on. She actually starts their conversation on the second day. Me, personally, don’t talk to people whose presence I can barely tolerate. How silly, I know.

- Weston annoys the shit put of Tessa for like five minutes but he talks to her, (for his own selfish reasons may I add––Weston, honey, if you want people not to pity you try helping blind little kids who actually want your help) and brings her flowers, and chocolate so I guess it’s reasonable that approximately four days later Tessa’s attitude shifts to comparing him to sunlight. “Weston is everything And all at once. Weston is gentle And harsh. Weston can be blindingly bright But then he can also be Delicately soft. Weston is a paradox.” – Oof girl.

- Let me tell you kids just because someone annoys or teases you and you tolerate it––that’s not the get-go to life changing love. Even though he’s the first real life boy whom you’ve ever spent casual time with. But he’s the first boy who ever showed you real attention, you say. Well then, that’s a grace girls have to accept. Or so this book and so many others try to make us believe. The sad thing is, there actually could’ve been a conflict––if one wants to write about opposites attracting each other so much––without making the story so cliched and weak.

Plot-holes.

- Maybe it’s nitpicking for some, BUT… why was Weston in his dad’s office in the first place? I never got around to the reason of that. He loiters around there once a week, that’s what the book states. Well, okay, he is there inspecting the motivational quotes collection on the wall while his father just works away. And am I supposed to believe the man is all cool with this? What is Weston doing there? For what reason? The answer is easy: he simply had to hear the phone call of Tessa’s grandfather retracting the ad.

- Now why does his father–the owner of the newspaper–accept calls regarding ads in the first place? Is this really how things work? Other employees do nothing? I’ve worked at a small printing company in the past. The management only accepted calls regarding ads if there wasn’t a single soul anywhere near the perimeter of the office. There’s a department for jobs like this. Bosses don’t qualify.

- About the already mentioned beautiful first meeting, where sparks fly, and the lovely couple can roll off a great start... If Tessa didn’t want to meet anyone why didn’t she lock her door? That’s a pretty easy task. At first I thought maybe there’s no lock on the door. But wait; after the disastrous meeting she locks herself away. “The door is locked, and Grandma has stopped trying to open it.” Sooo there was a lock after all…...okay…….

- Why is almost everyone in this book freckled with blonde hair and blue eyes? Okay, this really is just nitpicking, but like, is there some symbolism in that? *bounces eyebrows* Ehem, if you know what I mean.

- I’m not sure if this is an actual plot-hole but I was really surprised by the lack of anxiety Weston’s approach triggered in Tessa. Essentially, Weston is a stranger at the start of the book, with whom she gets locked into a room, without anyone else in there, when she’s still adjusting to the fact she can’t see. I especially looked out for it; Weston closes her door every time he’s over at their house to speak with her. I mean the first time she’s angry; but what about later? She doesn’t even seem nervous or affected by this at a time when her blindness is still fresh. Yet, when they go to Barnes & Noble, a public space with people around, Tessa is anxious the minute Weston leaves for a bathroom break. Like okay, some strange dude tries to pick her up and she’s rightfully terrified, but all she has to do is call out. Now both of these scenes are pressuring and scary, but where’s the difference? Tessa is nervous when the stranger approaches her in the book store, a big and open space with people around even before said stranger tries to initiate skinship. She tells him to leave her alone. But she did just that when Weston first went to see her. And Weston didn’t give a shit about it, much like the high schooler at the book store. And I’m supposed to believe with Weston she wasn’t apprehensive at all? Of course she wasn’t… he’s the love interest.

The whole book store scene makes me so uncomfortable and NOT because of what you’d think. It’s simply distasteful to create a scenario like that only to draw it back to… yes, you guessed it, Weston. He’s the saviour sweeping Tessa off her feet with “Get your hands off my girl” and chasing away that jerk. Why is it that still, in the year of *looks at smudged handwriting on hand* sometime past the 1890s there’s the need to use The Jerk™ hitting on the girl and The Nice Guy™ saving her by making her seem like his property? Oh did I forgot to mention the jerk smelled like cigarettes, and his pants were falling off his ass. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing a leather jacket or had piercings just to fit the look to a T. That usage of my girl ...ugrghgh I can already feel white hairs sprouting from this. Look, I’m not against the idea of belonging to your beloved. If you want to say it, cool, do it. But when it’s not consensual, and you’re not a couple who already expressed to one another the wish to be viewed that way maybe DON’T FUCKING USE IT. Not to one up another guy trying scare the baddie away. Man, don’t do that. *channelling my inner LE to rap the last line really loud* What’s even better than this? Tessa’s reaction: “Despite the gravity of the situation, I can’t help but smile and get butterflies all over again.” REALLY???? Please donate braincells to this girl. She really needs it.

The dynamic of relationships.

- This is mind bogging for me. Almost all relations (excluding the most fundamental ones) serve a sole reason: cheer on and make the main couple happen. This book is promoted as a love story, one, not limited to romance. It’s a love story of family bonds, love between brothers, and grandparents, and friends. And that’s true for Weston… but for Tessa??? I don’t think so. But maybe that stems from how underdeveloped Tessa’s character is.

- The main couple’s dynamic is so stilted. Weston basically caused the state he is in, Tessa suffered an accident caused by outer circumstances. She’s the victim of a drunk driver, while quite frankly, Weston’s the victim of his own stupidity. And yet, since Weston decided to fight for himself he expects Tessa to do the same. Now that’s a nice thought, even if it’s about someone you barely know and met maybe two times in your life. Is that a reason to harass the other and tell them what to do, not taking no for an answer? I highly doubt it. Weston wanted to get better so he pressed himself, but he made that choice himself. It’s beautifully written down not once, not twice, but multiple times; how hard it was for him to choose between 1, the easy way––the flat grounded desert and 2, the hard scaling and rocky mountain range. He chose the mountain range and that’s admirable. What’s not admirable is, that from what I get from this book, Tessa never had the luxury of a choice. Because other’s never gave her time or let her decide for herself. Tessa says Weston is stubborn and obnoxiously optimistic. I think he’s just obnoxious, period.

- At the end of the book Tessa narrates how ashamed she feels and how her heart is breaking “Because of what Life has done to Weston.” For one, is Life responsible for what happened to Weston? I’d liked to read about how Weston tells the story of losing his legs to Tessa with a straight face, because all thorough the book he never once did that. To anyone. If that happened, he ought to admit how incredibly stupid he had been. As well as the consequences of his own decisions, every time he went on without saying a word or asking for help. That stubbornness is his character trait. Yes, it is, but we never get to see how that affected his family, there wasn’t one paragraph about his parents talking about it with him.

- On this note why is Tessa always so ashamed, feeling like she’s the brute, saying sorry to everyone at every chance? It’s not like others apologised to her once. This character trait only perpetuates the notion how everything others impose on her is fair trade because they only want to help. And either way, she only feels apologetic about standing up for herself.

Mentions of notable things that annoyed me.

- The judgement if a girl need makeup or not, because *banging pots and pans* she’s beautiful no matter what in the boy’s eyes. And he tells her just that. “Are you wearing makeup?” I ask, without thinking. Tessa smiles just a little. “Yeah,” she says. “Grandma helped me with it. This feels like… a special occasion.” “You don’t need it, you know. You look beautiful without it. But you look beautiful with it, too. You always look beautiful. Even when you’re crying.” Tessa really needed to know your opinion about her wearing makeup Weston. Kudos for you for telling her she doesn’t need it because she looks beautiful without it, but it’s okay to wear it as she looks beautiful with it too. Great input man!

- At this point I’m not even surprised, but there really was the girl staring at something, asking if it’s pretty. (Okay, Tessa couldn’t stare but she was probably imagining––here it’s the sundown, bc of the whole sunlight theme). Then the boy answering, “Yeah, it’s pretty.” Not as pretty as you, he thinks while staring straight at her. Hello, is this a Disney production?

Conclusion.

All in all is this the worst book ever? No. Are there unforgivable problems with it? Not explicitly.

My biggest problem is what message it sends about relationship patterns, patterns I hate with a fiery passion. It’s the same old shit I grew up with, and it’s the same old shit that doesn’t seem to change after twenty years. Not even now when,––with the help of the era of internet––everyone is suddenly so woke. But are they, really? All I saw about this novel is the raving reviews praising it to heavens. And there are themes in it that deserve praise––the acceptance of one’s self, the loss, the forgiveness, the overcoming of hardships of life––but what about all that’s left? What about the execution?

Bottom line is, because this is a book, everything gets resolved and all is happy and fine at the end. However in real life, coercing others to do things against their will isn’t a glorious idea. Disregarding consent isn’t acceptable. Helping with the stubbornness of a mule isn’t really helping. And last but not least, perpetuating a mindset and a budding relationship like the one presented in this book––for a young audience shouldn’t be okay.

#100daysofsunlight #abbie emmons

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