#in what world is age regressing more valid then pet regressing

[coyote-kiddo]

just saw an agere blog that had "petagre" (petre) in their dni... yikes 😐

[thehoundschurchyard]

vent-ish ?

no real trigger warning but me just talking about how I wish I was a dog and people can be mean, slight talk of mental illness :p

Hey guys let’s normalize people having fun and being themselves alright ??? Please ???

I think it’s really sad that like,,, me wearing a tail will affect your life ??? How does me having a tail affect you, like be fr

I had a conversation with someone and briefly mentioned pet / age regression and they IMMEDIATELY shut me down. Why? Because they found it strange. They brought up about how no one in the real world is going to baby you or treat you like a puppy when you feel a little stressed.

I was really mad but I held back. Why? I didn’t want them to be mad at me, call me weird, or hate me.

Normally I would just move on but I’m RELATED to said person and LIVE WITH THEM so I couldn’t just avoid them and they directly effect my life.

I asked them how did it affect their life and they immediately were like “cuz I’m concerned, I will think there is something mentally wrong with you!!!🥺” wow. Shocker. Me, an autistic and mentally struggling individual, has something going on mentally.

it’s not just them though, it’s A LOT OF PEOPLE.

I feel like if someone’s not directly affecting your or someone else’s health then just leave them be. They’re hurting you / someone you know mentally ?? NOW it’s a problem, that you should be concerned about. Not hurting you or someone else ?? Womp womp, nothing u can do about it

this doesn’t just apply to nonhuman’s and regression though, I mean ANYTHING

Furries, dnd players, liking only popular anime, gothic, any style outside of the norm, etc etc

like… let people have fun without living in fear

I was going to wear my gear to school on the very last day of school before summer break but recently I’ve just been scared too. Especially with where I am if I do that there is no chance I will be safe, physically, mentally, or socially

now this isn’t me saying wearing gear at school is mandatory or “makes you more valid”, I was just going to where it once for the last day and then let that be it and do it for the sillies

ofc if u wear gear to school u r very brave and I appreciate u lots, but that doesn’t make u more “valid” than anyone else /nm

sometimes I wish I was physically canine or something

having many kintypes is difficult because I can’t pick just one thing to be like “yes I am this and this only”, cause I am all of my kintypes

the only thing is when I think about it my church grim kin type isn’t really a kin, it’s what I AM

I don’t have physical lycanthropy, shout out to everypup that does tho, y’all r wonderful and all good dogs / canines !!!

the only reason I say I don’t is because i don’t experience hallucinations, and I know I don’t ig?? It’s hard to explain

but like,,, I am a church grim that just kins other things, if that makes sense ??

anyway, if u read this far thank u 4 listening to this dog bark about life and shit 🐾🐾🐾

[pumpkzsafeplace]

💭 tw to readers for agere hate (not from me, as i regress myself!! /gen /srs) hai hai!! hav jus found ur blog, it looks very lovely :0 i hope ur doing well and thamk u for sharing all the wonderful stuffs wiff us,, anyway i hav question,,, 's okie if u don' hav an answer or anythin,, so uh i hav a partner i've been with for over a year and about a month ago i brought up age regression jus to see what they'd say (i'd kinda been showing regressed behaviors here n there, i get really excited about babytalk they'd do from time to time and especially when he'd call me my favorite pet-names or kinda play along, but this was before he knew about my regression or before *i* even knew about it ^^; it just kinda happened and i knew i liked it) and they didn't take too kindly to it... i believe they called it a mental disorder but i dont really remember, i jus know it was somethin' bad.. i have a friend who acts as a cg from time to time but not always and i kinda need more constant support n dont know what to do, but knowing my partner- even if i do try and talk to them about it, they won't listen and will most likely just keep shutting me down about it..

do u hav any advice or any next steps i could take maybe? /nfta --- again, thamk u for sharing ur blog and wonderful agere stuffs with us, helps out a lot n makes me feel safe n comfy cozy -w- sending the best of vibes!! <3

˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙

hihi lil bug’ 🌼

thank you for enjoying my blog so much <3

it really means a lot <3

as for your situation i am so so so so sorry you’re going through that little one :(

it sounds terribly scary :(

i would advise you to talk to your bf at some point about it- more in the near future though when you feel more confident. i’d say just be firm about it- and state that age regression is part of who you are & it helps tackle so many other things.

state that’s its part of you, regardless of his opinion. and maybe talk about it a little bit more- because i doubt he properly understands what it’s about, and only knows it from sources like youtube or tiktok where they’re reacting to stuff.

i would also look for a possible platonic cg relationship, it could be your friend who you mentioned or it could be someone completely new. having that bond- might help you grow that confidence, and help you realise that you are valid and you are in the right.

sometimes it’s hard to see the good in things if you’re surrounded by people who hate it- so having that other person with you might help you see the light in being an age regressor <3

i hoped this helped ^^

i know it’s a tough situation so i’m wishing you all the cuddles and support in the world! <3

remember that you’ll always have a home & a place here, and you’ll always be supported & loved <3

i hope your days are full of smiles & giggles <3

- 🍰

[danganronpa-agere-writing]

Can you please do Cg!Sakura hc's?

Hey! I can certainly do that for you :D Sakura is an interesting character to write, so... I hope you like it! Have a wonderful day c:

-Mod Mikan

Caregiver Sakura Headcanons!

•Sakura found out you regressed whenever you were comfortable telling her

•She was able to grasp the concept rather easily, and only gave you a smile and a nod

•“Thank you for trusting me enough to know this,” She told you, “If you’re alright with it, I could make sure you’re alright when you regress.”

•You agreed, and she began taking care of you after that!

•It wasn’t really specified that se was your caregiver, but with some light communication and questions, it was heavily implied

•And you were both alright with that!

•Sakura is, of course, rather strong— so she could definitely give you piggy back rides! Or carry you anywhere you wanted, really

•If you liked cuddles, she would be surprisingly careful with you, softly scooping you up and pulling you close against her

•She likes to feel like she’s actively protecting you— especially whenever you’re unable to do it yourself

•Sakura would happily play any sort of games with you that you wanted!

•Tag, Hide and Seek, or just playing with toys— she can absolutely do!

•She finds it really sweet to do, anyways— She finds you adorable, and just adores seeing you happy

•Sakura is sure to learn your likes and dislikes— no matter what the subject is!

•She’ll learn your preferred pet names, any snacks you like or dislike, and the names of your stuffed animals!

•She takes care to memorize it so she can be sure to make things easier on you

•Sakura is pretty lenient when it comes to your bedtime— But she definitely would prefer that you didn’t stay up too late

•You need your rest, after all!

•She’d be more than happy to read you a story, or prepare you a bottle, or even cuddle you to sleep, if that would help you!

•As long as it helps you drift off to sleep, she’ll do it

•Sakura, if you ever regressed due to stress or sadness, would be able to handle it well

•She’d nod and listen to how you were feeling, validating you and trying to use her own experiences to help you, if she can

•She knows that age regression is supposed to make you feel at ease— but sometimes, that doesn’t always happen, and she’s here to try and cheer you up when you’re sad!

•Sakura would be happy to momentarily look after your stuffies if you ever needed to go somewhere

•She’s a pretty good stuffie guard, if she does say so herself!

•She always tells them goodnight too, after she tells you goodnight

•They deserve to be cared for, too!

•Sakura would often remind you that she loves you

•She does it because she truly does— and she never wants you to forget it!

•You mean the world to her, and you always make her really happy

•She admires you for numerous reasons

•So— Sakura is a really sweet, and patient caregiver!

•She’s understanding, and always willing to lend a hand if you need her

•Don’t be afraid to let her know how dhe can do better, okay?

•Your happiness matters to her! It truly does

[eli-kittim]

Polytheism Versus Monotheism

By Biblical Researcher and Award-Winning Author, Eli Kittim

——-

The First Cause

Some Bible critics have argued that there maybe other gods in the universe. However, the Bible itself claims that there’s only one God. Now, you may see that as circular reasoning but there are also valid philosophical arguments which demonstrate that there can only be one cause to the universe, to wit, a “first cause.” Philosophy does not posit a multiplicity of first causes but rather the existence of a single, first cause, just as other theosophical and spiritual traditions have also posited a single incorporeal first cause. Let’s not forget that we’re not talking about a genus, a multiplicity of “contingent” beings, but about the source of everything, a “necessary” being that is beyond time and space and beyond being. If there were two such beings, then neither of them would be god. There can only be one maximally great being that can exist in every possible world.

——-

The Cosmological Argument

Plato (c. 427–347 BCE), in the Timaeus dialogue, posited a "demiurge" of absolute intelligence as the creator of the universe. Plotinus, a 3rd century Neoplatonist philosopher from Alexandria, claimed that the “One” transcendent absolute caused the cosmos to come into being as a result of its existence (creatio ex deo). Proclus (412–485 CE), his disciple, later clarified that “The One is God.”

Similarly, according to Aristotle, the “unmoved mover” (Gk. ὃ οὐ κινούμενον κινεῖ, lit. “that which moves without being moved”) or “prime mover” is the main cause (or first uncaused cause) of all the motion in the cosmos but is not itself moved or caused by any previous action or causation. Notice that the so-called “first cause” arguments do not entail multiplicity or diversity but rather unity and oneness.

In other words, nothing can come into being from nothing. Think about everything you see around you: your house, your car, your phone, your computer, your clothes, your food, your furniture, your TV, your parents, your friends, even yourself. Everything comes from something else. And the further back you go in time, in trying to unravel what caused what, the more you realize that everything came from something else. Someone or something either designed it, produced it, formed it, or gave it birth. If there were 2 gods, we would have to ask who came first? Who brought the second god into being?

However, the cosmological argument necessarily presupposes a single cause, which itself was never caused, namely, a timeless being, capable of creating everything (i.e. all contingent beings). Otherwise, if there was no first “unmoved mover,” there would be an infinite regress of causal dependency ad infinitum. This “first cause” can therefore be inferred via the concept of causation. This is not unlike Leibniz’ “principle of sufficient reason” nor unlike Parmenides’ “nothing comes from nothing” (Gk. οὐδὲν ἐξ οὐδενός; Lat. ex nihilo nihil fit)! All these arguments demonstrate not only that there must be a “necessary” being that designed and sustained the universe, but also that there can only be “one” such being!

——-

The One God of the Old Testament

Epistemology is a philosophical branch that questions the conditions required for a belief to constitute knowledge. The possible sources of knowledge that could justify a belief are based on perception, memory, reason, and testimony. Thus, divine revelation, which was subsequently transcribed or inscripturated, would certainly qualify as “testimony.”

There are multiple passages in both Testaments of the Bible where God declares to be without a counterpart: without an equal. Similar to the “Absolute Being” of philosophy which is logically inferred as a single, first cause, the Old Testament clearly affirms the existence of only one God. So, the uniqueness of a single God can also be attested by Divine Revelation. Scripture is therefore a witness to the reality of God’s existence as being unparalleled and unique. For example, in Isaiah 44.6-7 (NRSV), God declares that there are no other gods in the universe except him. He exclaims:

I am the first and I am the last; besides me

there is no god. Who is like me? Let them

proclaim it, let them declare and set it forth

before me.

In Isaiah 42.8, God states that he doesn’t share his glory with anyone. He alone is God without equal or rival:

I am the Lord, that is my name; my glory I

give to no other, nor my praise to idols.

Moreover, in Isaiah 43.10-11, God declares categorically and unequivocally that there were no gods formed before him, nor will there be any gods formed after him:

Before me no god was formed, nor shall

there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and

besides me there is no savior.

This truth is reiterated several times in Isaiah 45.18, 21:

For thus says the Lord, who created the

heavens (he is God!), who formed the earth

and made it (he established it; he did not

create it a chaos, he formed it to be

inhabited!): I am the Lord, and there is no

other.

There is no other god besides me, a

righteous God and a Savior; there is no one

besides me.

This assertion, of course, implies that there are not multiple gods that receive many different forms of religious worship but rather a single Godhead sans equal.

In Isaiah 46.9-10, God sets a unique standard against which all other theories are measured, namely, the fulfillment of prophecy. That is to say, no one else can predict the future except God himself:

I am God, and there is no other; I am God,

and there is no one like me, declaring the

end from the beginning and from ancient

times things not yet done.

Similarly, 2 Sam. 7.22 seems to attest to the truth of God’s oneness by way of divine revelation (cf. 2 Pet 1.18):

You are great, O Lord God; for there is no

one like you, and there is no God besides

you, according to all that we have heard

with our ears.

——-

The One God of the New Testament

When we turn to the Christian scriptures, we find the exact same theme concerning one God who reigns supreme above humanity and the heavenly host. At no point in Scripture is there any hint that there are other gods that exist beside the God of the Old and New Testaments. John 17.3, for instance, brings to bear the authority of Scripture on the matter by calling the source of all creation “the only true God.” Critics of the Trinity (who view it as polytheistic) should be rebuffed because in the Johannine gospel Jesus clearly establishes that there’s *one essence* between himself and God. He proclaims, “The Father and I are one” (10.30).

The Christian doctrine of the Trinity holds that God is one God, but three coeternal, consubstantial persons or hypostases—the Father, the Son (Jesus Christ), and the Holy Spirit—as "one God in three Divine Persons". The three Persons are distinct, yet are one "substance, essence or nature" (homoousios). Paul the apostle also knows through direct revelations that “God is one” (Rom. 3.30). Paul understands that the Triune God is not equivalent to multiple gods but is rather a *monotheistic supreme deity* (1 Cor. 8.6 emphasis added):

there is ONE GOD, the Father, from whom

are all things and for whom we exist, and

one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are

all things and through whom we exist.

Colossians 1.15-16 explains that no other god or gods created the universe except God the Father (the source) through his Son (who is his image or reflection):

He [Christ] is the image of the invisible God,

the firstborn of all creation; for in him all

things in heaven and on earth were created,

things visible and invisible, whether thrones

or dominions or rulers or powers—all things

have been created through him and for him.

1 Tim. 2.5 basically reiterates the exact same concept of the ONE GOD, not as 2 or 3 separate beings, but as ONE BEING (in multiple persons):

For there is one God; there is also one

mediator between God and humankind,

Christ Jesus, himself human.

Similarly, Hebrews 1.2-3 reveals the exact same *truth* regarding a single God and his Son, “through whom he also created the worlds”:

in these last days he [God] has spoken to

us by a Son, whom he appointed heir of all

things, through whom he also created the

worlds. He [Christ] is the reflection of God's

glory and the exact imprint of God's very

being, and he sustains all things by his

powerful word.

——-

God is Truth & Does Not Lie

The Bible repeatedly reminds us that God is truth, holiness, and veritable love itself, and therefore he does not lie. The Old Testament verifies his truthfulness by instructing us to imitate his holiness. Exodus 20.16 says,

You shall not bear false witness against

your neighbor.

Proverbs 12.22 reads:

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,

but those who act faithfully are his delight.

What is more, there are many Bible passages that demonstrate unlimited confidence in God’s honesty, transparency, and accountability. Titus 1.1-2 (emphasis added) is such a passage:

Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of

Jesus Christ, for the sake of the faith of

God's elect and the knowledge of the truth

that is in accordance with godliness, in the

hope of eternal life that God, WHO NEVER

LIES, promised before the ages began—

In John 17.17 (ESV), Jesus himself says to God the Father:

Sanctify them in the truth; your word is

truth.

This is reminiscent of Isaiah 65.16 (ESV) which calls the creator, “the God of truth.” He is similarly acknowledged in Deuteronomy 32.4 (NKJV) as “A God of truth and without injustice.”

In Numbers 23.19 (NRSV), God is further attested as a higher-being whose good character precludes deception and lies:

God is not a human being, that he should

lie, or a mortal, that he should change his

mind. Has he promised, and will he not do

it?

Moreover, the doctrine of the Immutability of God describes an attribute of God which prevents him from changing his will or character. It implies that He will make good on all of his promises. Hebrews 6:18 (ICB) puts it thusly:

These two things cannot change. God

cannot lie when he makes a promise, and

he cannot lie when he makes an oath.

These things encourage us who came to

God for safety. They give us strength to

hold on to the hope we have been given.

Conclusion

This life has no guarantees. So, from an interdisciplinary perspective, when there are multiple lines of evidence concerning one God——coupled with cases abounding in the “religious-experience literature” down through the ages——the *testimony* becomes rather robust and trustworthy! In other words, the religious testimony is ipso facto a possible source of knowledge. And this global testimony——which goes far beyond the Judeo-Christian Bible and includes other world religions——indicates that only one God exists. If we add the philosophical arguments that also assert a first cause regarding everything that has been created in the cosmos, then we can safely say that there can only be one God that is responsible for creating and sustaining the universe!

——-

[kabutone]

ok actually u know wat !!! fuck this bruh!! >:( im angy now!

i am worth so much !! i am so good!! and its fucking bullshit that i am often not treated like it!!!!! why must i suffer at the hands of people that cant fucking handle their own shit!!! why do i have to get an abusive family AGAIN?? we already DID this when i was a kid why are we doing it again??? yall ever stump ur fuckin therapists?? like they literally are just like. yeah dude your situation fucking sucks. i cant help, i cant point you to the bright side, it just fucking sucks. that’s literally where i’m at and it’s the worst it’s ever been!!! 

click to read some hate mail to one of my many abusers lol

like if u read this shit bc i Need some sort of validation

fuck dude. im sending this energy to my abusive piece of shit older brother specifically. not the good one, the failure one, the one that can make you look bad just by associating with him: you see me, 13 years younger than you, having lived a harder life, and still come out better and you’re Mad! you’re mad that i didn’t become a piece of shit like you. you’re mad that i’ve legitimately had it worse and i was strong enough to get through it! because i am living walking proof that your life is YOUR fault. abusing your ex to the point that she gets a restraining order and moves away with your kid was YOUR fault. wasting away your 20s because you were too busy flirting with girls closer to my age than yours was YOUR fault. the fact that you cannot keep a job because of whatever the fuck is YOUR fault. you look at me, 20 years old, and in a better place than you at 33. 

this whole time, ever since your life started spiraling out of control, you have blamed everyone else because you are convinced it couldnt be your fault. you look at yourself and you think “this couldn’t be helped, i was dealt such a bad hand in life that this is the best i can make of it” and that’s how you’ve been keeping yourself afloat. you lie to yourself by convincing yourself that there is nothing you can do about your situation, so instead you wallow in self pity and cry about how awful the world is. 

and my existence shattered that illusion for you! i’ve overcome more shit than you’ve ever had to face and i’m not a piece of shit wreck like you. in fact, my future is brighter than yours ever has been. my very EXISTENCE is forcing you to come to terms with the fact that you are making yourself worse. i am PROOF that someone can suffer and come back from it. i am PROOF that you can go through some shitty ass childhood trauma and still be a good person!! and i am PROOF that you were too weak to do that, and instead chose to become this toxic waste that nobody, not even your own family, likes. 

you try to RATIONALIZE by using trauma as an excuse, you try to PROJECT onto me by claiming that it was somehow MY fault that i was abused by my family (i was 4???), you use REGRESSION nearly every day to convince yourself you’re worth something, and when none of that fucking works because you see that i’m thriving, you end up DISPLACING those feelings by targeting me cause you think i’m an “easy target.” since you’re so set on sucking freud’s dick, maybe this will make sense to you. 

so no, my trauma did not make me stronger, i made MYSELF stronger and you obviously did not!! trauma is not an excuse to just become a shitty person, and if you try to use it as one, it is an admission that you are weak as shit!!!! not to be one of those “someone always has it worse” motherfuckers, but if your life has been SO so hard, why am i not ALSO a piece of shit? i’ve never assaulted anyone. i’ve never abused children. i don’t gaslight others, i don’t threaten suicide if someone upsets me, i don’t threaten to kill people’s pets, i don’t do any of that shit. so why do YOU do that?? its bc you’re a weak piece of shit who cannot deal with your own problems like an ADULT. 

you only tell me that i’m “not ready” and “too weak” for the real world because you know that’s what you are, and you can’t handle the fact that i’m, uh, better than you. the ONLY way you know how to cope is by telling yourself that i’m somehow worse. your shitty defense mechanisms are hanging by that single thread. yes, the world is a shitty place, congrats you have eyes <3 would you like a cookie? i KNOW how bad the world is. i’ve seen some of the worse shit first hand. i know the horrors of the real world better than you. this fucking world is awful. this isn’t a revelation, this is nothing new, especially not to ME. you’ve been hit with the reality that it’s hard to exist in this world because it’s cruel, and uncaring, and cold. and you decided it was too much to handle and you gave up. giving up and becoming an abusive, negative, draining waste of space is the EASY way out. it is SO easy to say “fuck it, i’ll just take this out on everyone else” that is literally the easiest thing to do when you’re hurt or mad. the HARD thing to do is to look at all the bad shit in the world and tell yourself that you are going to CHANGE that and make it better. when you get hit, it’s easier to lay on the ground than to get back up, and you are laying on the fucking ground, sir!! i got back up and i am THRIVING!! you are a weak piece of shit! you are a weak, sad, sorry excuse for a human. 

my oldest brother loves you, my dad loves you, not because you deserve it, but because they are gracious, caring people (and honestly they should be able to count this as charity). you make up some bullshit excuse, saying you abuse me and mistreat me because you’re trying to “prepare me for the real world” and then you tell me i’m too weak when i get mad about being ABUSED??? you know that’s bullshit. you KNOW i’m strong enough because i’m stronger than YOU ARE. you’re just trying to make an excuse to hurt me because you are making a lame attempt to bring me down to your level. 

by the way, i AM good at psychology, bitch !! fuck off and die.

[pleasantdinosaurblaze-blog]

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Once you are actually adapted to the exercise, you can easily make an effort incorporating some body weight lifting this is actually very importan especially for ladies (the bone tissue density reduces along with age or even a lot more if you are taking prednisone), you must begin along with the lower body weight (2 pounds or even canned meals can easily operate also). These self-appointed sensors were actually (fairly paradoxically, if you think about that) aiming to be actually nothing lower than the self-appointed Catchers in the Rye, securing our childish virtue coming from falling victim to The Catcher in the Rye. It pisses me off that Religious still assume he deserves to simulate a gigantic asshat. Yet if you resemble me and also you prefer authors to cut to the chase, make their aspect, then leave you along with a massive large appendix if you have an interest in the regression study from how many freshmen will enjoy a person choke to fatality given that they assume another person will certainly relate to the saving, then this publication is actually except you. Given that if you wish to, you possess to know that it may be a less consistent way of living be in research study, then you are depending on a ton of smooth money and also gives. Our team showed German-English bilinguals video clips from activities with a movement in all of them, like a lady strolling in the direction of an automobile or a man biking towards the food store and then inquired to illustrate the settings. Other primary benefits consist of individuals living longer lifestyles as well as low unlawful act fees because of individuals being actually commonly excellent. As I heard that, the Soviet assaults will go in three waves: first would be primary military/population/communication/ combinations-thereof cities, as well as a second wave of attacks would target major whatever-else-you will- think-was-on-the-first-list-but-wasn' t urban areas.

[racingtoaredlight]

Ranking The 50 Best Non-Kelly Olynyk Players In The NBA, Part 5

There are a maximum of 449 non-Kelly Olynyk players on NBA rosters nowadays, give or take an injury exception or two. Make no mistake, they are all ridiculously good at basketball compared to the population at large. But, in the NBA universe, some players are better than others. I’ve taken the liberty of poring over stat-laden spreadsheets, breaking down game film, snorting piles of coke, throwing darts, flipping coins, arguing with my pets, sobbing uncontrollably, and going with my gut to arrive at a list of fifty truly elite athletes.

A couple of points of order before we start:

I’m disregarding the players’ contracts for this exercise. So, a guy doesn’t move ahead of a better player due to costing less, and conversely a player won’t be dinged for being “overpaid.”

This isn’t a “Who I Would Build A Franchise Around For the Next Five Years” kind of deal. I’m ranking these gents based on who I would want for next season, and next season alone. So the value of older players isn’t totally crippled by expected age-related regression, and young guns don’t automatically rocket to the top of the list based on potential alone.

That’s pretty much it. Let’s get the party started.

PART 1  PART 2  PART 3  PART 4

#10. Chris Paul. Chris Paul seems miserable to play with. Having said that, he’s one of the most efficient point guards in the history of the league, and he unquestionably makes his teammates better. He showed the first real signs of decline this season, but was still among the league’s best. If Chris Paul is running the show for you, you’re in good shape. My grandmother is a resident of Winston-Salem, North Carolina and is a huge Wake Forest fan. She’s also an avid reader of this here blog, and called me the other night and said “Clahde, if yew don’t have Chris Pawl in yer top teein, I’m never makin’ yew any fried chicken an hush puppehs ever agin. Also, I’ll come ta yer house an bleed yew ta death with yer grandaddeh’s letter opener.” My Gram’s a big Chris Paul fan.

#9. James Harden. Harden’s game is so horrible to watch. I know intellectually that the things he does make total sense within the rules of the game, and can kind of sort of appreciate the fact that he’s mastered the techniques he uses. But, being subjected to it is just brutal. Having said all of that, there’s no denying that he’s an extremely effective player. He’s the only legit franchise player in any sport that if I were a team owner, I would sign, and then never watch any of my team’s games. I’d spend the season doing normal super-rich guy stuff, like hunting supermodels on my private island, and having sex with transients. Maybe I mixed those two things up, maybe not. Fuck you, I’m rich.

#8. Nikola Jokic. Sub-ranking of best Jokers: 1) Ledger, 2) Jokic, 3) Nicholson, 491) Jared Leto.  I know this blurb is supposed to be about Nikola Jokic and his extremely high ranking, but I really want to talk about how much Jared Leto sucks. Look at this shit. I still can’t believe these are things that really happened. If he was a REAL method actor he would’ve thrown himself into a vat of toxic waste. Pussy. In what world are Jared Leto’s contributions as an actor worth putting up with a single one of those things? YOU’RE A DOLLAR STORE DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AT BEST, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Jared Leto wasn’t born, he sprung into existence after a group of homeless heroin addicts jerked off into a trunk filled with costume jewelry. Nikola Jokic has amazing passing skills for a 7-footer. 

#7. Kawhi Leonard. I obviously think Kawhi is a great player, given that I have him at #7. But, I do think he’s just a smidge overrated. The Spurs as a whole benefit from the exaggerated narrative that they’re this unsexy, workmanlike, small-market, does-everything-the-right-way team. So, when they were pitted against the hated, “everything-that’s wrong-with-today’s-athletes” Miami Heat superteam in those two Finals match-ups, the desire to see them prevail clouded popular opinion and caused their greatness to become a tad overstated. Kawhi Leonard benefitted the most from this. Again, he’s an awesome player and any team would love to have him, but this notion that he’s the second best player in the NBA is a bit much. He doesn’t really create for other players, and his defense actually took a small step back this season. Great player, but not in my top five.

#6. Karl-Anthony Towns. There’s nothing not to love about KAT. He’s the best and most complete big man in the NBA, and he’s not even 22 years old yet. He pulled down 12 boards per game this season, and has the length and athleticism to lead the league in blocks. He averaged 25 points per game while hitting 54% from the field, 37% from three and 83% from the foul line. He’s also goofy and hilarious off the court. I’m so riled up over here I can’t even think of any jokes to write. Why did the chicken cross the road? TO TELL EVERYONE HOW FUCKING AWESOME KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS IS!

#5. Giannis Antetokounmpo. Figuring out who to rank higher between Giannis and KAT was the toughest part of this entire exercise. KAT has the higher floor, but The Greek Freak’s abilities have no ceiling. He’s honestly one of the most amazing athletic marvels of our time. I gave Giannis the nod by the slimmest of margins based on his ability to legitimately play all five positions, and on the fact that he’s a literal superhuman. Like, nothing is off the table for next season with him. Could he rampage through next season like a 6′ 11″ Russell Westbrook and average a triple-double? Yes, he could. I’d settle for him continuing to develop as a three-point threat, because once he adds that to his arsenal there won’t be any way to stop him. At only 22 years old, his game has plenty of time to grow, which is terrifying as a fan of an Eastern Conference rival, and exhilarating as a fan of sports in general.

#4. Stephen Curry. Anyone who tries to act like Steph isn’t a devastating offensive player is a moron. The dude can put the ball in the basket as well as anyone on Earth. He’s an incredibly efficient shooter from anywhere on the floor. The fact that defenders have to pick him up as soon as he crosses half-court warps the entire structure of a team’s defense, and makes the Warriors’ offense extremely difficult to handle. His personal stats took a hit this season with Golden State’s addition of Kevin Durant, but that doesn’t mean Steph’s skills have diminished in any way. He’s the best shooter to ever play the game.

#3. Russell Westbrook. Russ is a horrifyingly intense individual on the court. The most common criticism of him is that he shoots too much. This would be a valid criticism, if there were a single other player on his team that could score with anything resembling consistency. Westbrook doing everything for OKC this season was actually their best option on every possession. Would people like him more if he’d deferred some, and the team won ten fewer games? That’s craziness. He’s probably the most explosively athletic point guard to ever play, and he’s operating at the peak of his powers. This season definitively proved that as long as you have Russ, you’ll make the playoffs regardless of whatever collection of shit-smeared mannequins you surround him with. That’s the definition of a franchise player, in my book. The making the playoffs no matter what part, not so much the shitty mannequins. That’s a gross image, I don’t even know why I wrote that.

#2. Kevin Durant. I’m in agreement with everyone who believes that it was lame as hell for KD to join the Warriors. His decision dropped one team from the ranks of title contenders while making a different team a nigh-unbeatable juggernaut. For me, that makes the league as a whole a little less fun. But, I can understand why he did it. His game couldn’t possibly be a better fit anywhere than it is in Golden State. He’s right there with Steph Curry when it comes to shooting efficiency, the only difference is that KD is seven feet tall with crazy long arms. His jumper is completely unguardable. Aside from the winning and the wide-open looks he now routinely gets, another benefit of his move to the Warriors is that he’s able to show that he’s actually pretty damned good defensively. In a lot of the lineups Golden State throws out there KD is the lone rim-protector, and he’s done a better-than-expected job in that role. But, let’s not pretend that KD’s value is coming from his defense. When it’s all said and done, he really could go down as the greatest scorer in the history of basketball. 

#1. The PB & J. There’s never been a team in any era that wouldn’t cast aside their best player in favor of a PB & J. This playmaker combines slightly savory peanut butter with a sweet, fruity explosion of jelly between a couple of slices of starchy, carb-loaded Heaven, and it’s headed straight for the Hall of Fame, no doubt about it. The PB & J is universally beloved in every locker room it’s been in, and that kind of morale-boosting ability is desperately needed in the dog days of an 82-game grind. Team chemistry is no joke. The PB & J gets bonus points because to the best of my knowledge Delonte West never fucked it’s mom.

HONORABLE MENTION: LeBron James.

THE MASTER LIST:

1. PB & J 2. Kevin Durant 3. Russell Westbrook 4. Stephen Curry 5. Giannis Antetokounmpo 6. Karl Anthony Towns 7. Kawhi Leonard 8. Nikola Jokic 9. James Harden 10. Chris Paul 11. Paul George 12. John Wall 13. Anthony Davis 14. Rudy Gobert 15. Jimmy Butler 16. Marc Gasol 17. Kyrie Irving 18. Damian Lillard 19. Draymond Green 20. Isaiah Tomas 21. DeMarcus Cousins 22. Gordon Hayward 23. Kyle Lowry 24. Joel Embiid 25. Kemba Walker 26. Hassan Whiteside 27. Blake Griffin 28. Kristaps Porzingas 29. DeAndre Jordan 30. Klay Thompson 31. Kevin Love 32. Eric Bledsoe 33. Andre Drummond 34. DeMar Derozan 35. Bradley Beal 36. Myles Turner 37. Paul Millsap 38. Carmelo Anthony 39. Brook Lopez 40. CJ McCollum 41. Mike Conley 42. Al Horford 43. LaMarcus Aldridge 44. Goran Dragic 45. Dario Saric 46. Jeff Teague 47. Dwight Howard 48. Andrew Wiggins 49. Nikola Vucevic 50. Otto Porter Jr.  Honorable Mention: LeBaron James

Well, there you have it. These were fun to write, I hope they were fun to read. For the readers who aren’t really NBA fans, why are you so racist? Not cool.