#in this world and in this life and often i dont really
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Would it make more sense to contribute money to my employers 401k to max out the match contribution or to instead just contribute a small amount and use the rest to pay off high interest debt or building an emergency savings (I have like 1.5 months worth of expenses saved and… $30k of credit card debt….). I was unemployed for a long time but now have a stable salaried job where I make enough to cover my expenses (credit card minimums, loans, groceries, rent, etc) and have a little left over that I divvy up between small treats (a movie ticket, a nice pastry, thrifted clothes), donation posts, and like an extra $50 credit card payment and I’m not fully sure the optimal way to use that small amount of money. I do need a small treat from time to time to not lose it (and socializing often costs money even if it’s a cheap activity) but maybe it’s better saving on getting a $10 movie ticket each month to potentially pay off my debt like a month faster a couple years from now? how do I create financial security without feeling like I’m putting my life on a depressing pause for a debt free future that won’t happen for a couple years (assuming I make the same money and don’t incur additional expenses)?
Yeah, you've hit on a really important piece here, which is motivation and long-term resolve. The Mr Money Mustaches of the world talk up the importance of stoicism and shit and preach reducing living expenses, but it's equally important to keep in mind what actively gives you enough hope, pleasure, and reinforcement to keep you going.
Cutting back on expensive nights out is one thing; removing all joy and socialization from your life and therefore nerfing your long-term ability to remain employed and earning is another matter entirely. Enjoy those movie nights out. Supplement with having friends over to stream something on your laptop and eat snacks, free museum days, you know, do lots of cheap shit in addition to the little treats, but dont deny yourself the treats. those arent extravagances, that's being ALIVE! and the only reason we aspire toward financial independence is so that we can live life as we wish to, rather than being owned by an employer.
Employer matches are pretty much a guaranteed double on your money, which is better than even paying off a loan in terms of earning potential. so I'd recommend socking away that 5% from your paycheck automatically, so that you never even have to think about it, and then budgeting any remaining expendable income on knocking out that credit card debt.
30k is enough to really hurt, especially with interest over time, but not so great that knocking it out is impossible. you can do this! make sure in particular to focus any unexpected income on paying down that debt. birthday money, tax returns, perhaps filling out some class action forms online, any little bit helps -- you may want to check out the Snowball Debt Repayment method, in particular, as a lot of people find it more motivating to have a few shorter-term goals. (Basically, if you have multiple credit card debts, focus on paying off the smallest one first, so you'll get the rush of having vanquished at least one beast).
Good luck!!
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I've messed up my day and night and tomorrow and the rest of the week and i hate work because I can't keep up because I hate work and it's not even that bad it's just there's no perspective. No perspective for a happier life
#'its not even that bad' not work but life. i cant even express this to anyone not family not friennds not even a professional if i still saw#one. my life is immeasurably bad unfathomably bad if i could change this one thing i would trade this whole life for my mum being alive#id be out id be gone no more existence#even though id want to see her#i cant express to anyone: my life is still torment for me and i will never ever recover and i dont know what to do because people#dont like that#who am i gonna say that to? who? id tell my mother#its never about this the only thing that took grief seriously was del toros pinocchio but it was about what came after the twelve years#because grief is death and death is the absence of life and thus narrative#personal#my stuff#its so late#i dont even really understand how i exist at all#in this world and in this life and often i dont really#but if i cant express it then who can i ask for comfort and no i cannot ask and who offers. no one anymore#i just dont want to anymore its a farce but theres nothing else is there#every day i become a less interesting person. every day i more resemble a pit and a flat nothing that is care for by no one#and cares for nothing
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I don't care how many times the rich & famous talk about how being rich & famous is the worst fate humanly possible I will never ever ever believe them for one milisecond lol
#I love mitski but oh my god ''shittiest exclusive club in the world''...you know the other time ive heard that phrase used?#families and friends of people who killed themselves. we often say welcome to the worst club in the world to new ppl on forums#but yeah im sure the heaps of money and thriving career doing what you love isnt worth it bc sometimes fans are creeps. uh huh#yes this is an extention of my chappell rant no i dont want to talk abt it anymore it just makes me too furious lol#every celebrity rallying around her to throw themselves a pity party godddd i cant deal w/it lol#as I said before i would voluntarily put myself through every saw trap in existence to have what you people have#do you really not know how bad the average persons life is. let alone the least privileged 10% ...#and dont send me asks moralizing about this again i really & truly will not change my mind. these people are fucking ridiculous
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i need to share my very horrible idea to combine the reinhard/julius/otto/subaru boy drama into one julius-centric fic
ok so a little while ago ive made all kinds of ottojuli and reinjuli posts and while i havent finished all my major julisuba posts Yet i am quite fond of julisuba also and i think itd be incredibly funny if you just dumped all of these ships into one story. just go ALL IN on that boy drama!!!! go big or go home amirite!!!! the worlds WORST love trapezoid youve ever seen!!!!
this post is just me rambling fic ideas bc i sadly dont have time for Every Fic Idea and also i just. i just think itd be funny putting multiple ships with the same person in them into one fic. on a serious level its like mimicking real life relationships where sometimes people come and go and you have different dynamics with each person!! on another level i just think this is also very funny so!! here we go. under the cut:
anyway so my idea for this is that you know, julius of course meets reinhard when hes ten and reinhard is eight and then it alters julius's brain chemistry. at first he's in complete awe of reinhard. and then over time the shame starts setting in. that julius isnt as strong as reinhard. and the jealousy sets in a bit too, so julius's got this chip in his shoulder trying to carry his family's legacy and trying to carry the weight of knighthood to be as perfect as possible. to be as close to reinhard as he can. they meet again in their teens and julius shows reinhard the ropes of like basic knight stuff bc reinhard just joined the knights. and of course reinjuli become friends but julius has spent his whole life quietly watching reinhard from afar and now julius still has that distance with reinhard even as theyre supposedly friends now. reinhard is a God, you know? his powers and his leash from the kingdom and his family keep him distant and the two of them are ignoring that. classic homoerotic "do i want him or want to be him" friendship where both of you are too scared to get any closer for various reasons with a Twist (reinhard's very real monster complex that keeps getting validated bc Everyone Around Him thinks hes a monster).
anyway but then julius remembers that you know, shit between reinhard and him wont work out for many reasons, like reinhards family deciding to torment julius at various points in his life (heinkel, whos julius's boss, and reid, who went from julius's childhood idol to. you know.), and also reinhard needs to have kids because hes the sword saint, and also homophobia exists in rezero. and also even if those werent all obstacles julius still has his Complexes connected to reinhard and they got that distance between them so. no go. (repression gets in the way of relationships :((( )
also quick side note is that ex 4 happens and julius reinhard ferris go to vollachia and julius interrupts a meeting with vincent vollachia himself to go "I UNDERSTOOD THAT LITERARY REFERENCE YOU JUST MADE. THATS A REALLY GOOD REFERENCE I LIKED IT A LOT" bc hes a massive nerd and ig this is slightly-more-of-a-disaster-gay julius au so julius is like ............................. vincent was kinda cool for that.
AND THEN SUBARU CRASHES INTO JULIUS'S LIFE and julius is like seeing this guy who's also got a chip in his shoulder and then he insults the knights and says the knights are all depending on their dads (nepotism) and julius is like .......the chip in my shoulder was bad enough and also youre kinda like me fr. and you are clearly a fucking misguided kid so now i have to save your ass. i cant NOT save your ass. and reinhards like "julius and subaru nooo you dont have to do this :((((" and julius cant admit atm that hes also doing this to save subarus life so julius is just like "he disrespected the knights >:(((("
but yes we all know what happened there. julius saves subarus life. julius has to slice subarus throat in that one failed loop. they become friends across several timelines. they also homoerotically share souls, you know, typical bromance things, rivals to lovers except subarus the one going YOURE MY RIVAL and julius is like he is SUCH an upstart. hes really grown on me like a fungus but thats the appeal. and julius i think sees subaru as like a kindred spirit (or at least thats how i interpret julisuba) except subaru is like way more freer than julius is. same desire to prove yourself but subarus not restraining himself constantly like julius. its sometimes to the point of recklessness and general stupidity and what have you, but his boldness and bravery and determination and heart really is admirable.........................
yeah so anyway julius falls for ANOTHER guy again, you know how it is sometimes. the heart wants what it wants and julius is cursed to always have the worst meetings with his closest friends. and of course julius gets heartbroken bc wtf i have to kill my new friend :((( noo!!!! but in the finished loop its like. oh subaru...... hes really improved himself. hes grown so much already. hes kind of. inspirational really. idk how he does it. except subarus you know got that Mystery to him the same way reinhard does (theyre traumatized and Cant Take About It Normally so they just randomly lore drop what they can) and also subarus SUPER into emilia. and julius is like .................... well. subarus taken. haha. and reinhards. taken. fuck me. fuck. and like somethings going on with subaru and rem and emilia right. fuck. and subarus got his whole toxic masculinity / gender crisis..... and he doesnt know hes Bisexual yet...... man. what a loss for julius amirite haha.
and also subarus busy after arc 3........... and julius has no idea whats happening there but that seems Real serious :(( and julius's got other things to attend to so he hopes subaru reaches out to him eventually..... or that they cross paths again since subarus in the emilia camp and julius is in ana camp (and of course reinhard is in felt camp and like that was a whole debacle bc wtf. reinhard, u do know thatd be a big deal to our mutual friend felix?). so. julius pines from afar ONCE AGAIN HAHA.
(also of course subarus still attracted to reinhard here. its um. well julisuba can bond now over pining over reinhard but thats for later also!!)
anyway of course during arc 3 julius briefly runs into some gray haired merchant twink thats being dragged around by subaru bc ana camp rescued this guy from a cave somewhere??? and this new guy and subaru made a deal or whatever so he was just helping out in the background of the fight against sloth??
and whaddya know................ julius goes to drink at a bar bc you know he probably tastes wine for fun in his free time (hes definitely Fond of wine anyway iirc) and now hes Sad over the Ones That Got Away so. bar it is. and gray haired merchant twink is there!! no way. they start talking a bit casually while drinking you know and julius's taste is Unfortunately either the graceful ones (anastasia, because julius has great taste in women) or the cringe fail ones (all the twinks - except for felix - that julius keeps having the wildest first meetings with, because julius has slightly shit taste in men) so julius is like huh this otto guys kinda funny lol. endearing in a weird way!! and -
oops they both end up being a little. they make a little bit of a move on each other. bc they were drinking and got a Bit tipsy. ottos Also not over the one that got away (subaru) (again) and hey. the finest knight truly is. Fine. objectively fine. totally. so you know. things get a little out of hand, maybe they do a bit of cringe fail flirting hidden underneath five million layers of repression and the Horrors of Being Known but ultimately they both embarrass themselves somehow (read: how far they went with each other while under the influence is up to you) and agree to Never Speak of This Again bc oopsies they were both technically each other's first time being Straightforwardly Not Straight with another man. oops. anyway julius has to go back to his camp and otto fucking bolts but he bolts right into subaru and gets his ass dragged into sanctuary drama.
julius is totally not a little bit envious about that.................... about otto getting to accompany subaru to sanctuary... but dont worry julius!! youll get to make up for it later!! bc eventually arc 5 stuff happens. and julius is Glad to see reinhard and subaru again. even with all the Baggage. and subaru is of course Weird about julius but eventually subaru reassures julius after they both confide in each other about the astrea drama (theyre honorary astreas via being dragged into the astrea family mess). and subarus reassuring to julius in a whole new way okay. subaru, whos unrestrained and incapable of being on the down low about anything, and julius, whos always holding himself back with a gazillion layers of repression, starts learning to let go a bit...
but also juliotto meet again. its terribly awkward and they both agreed to never speak of their awkward encounters again. subaru is going ??? and reinhard is clueless. otto then also goes to save reinhard and felt from heinkel trying to take felt hostage, which was also terribly awkward but reinhard and felt are grateful about it (but lbr if reinhard and otto knew each other deeper reinhard would maybe be a little. Apprehensive. around otto while otto would be sympathetic with reinhard bc hes like male emilia). but then while otto manages not to get erased by gluttony....... julius gets erased. of course. which you know results in being forgotten by reinhard in julius's THIRD first meeting ever with reinhard. and subarus the only one who remembers him of course.
then arc 6 happens :,))))) and julius of course has to confront his ideas of knighthood, his identity, his self esteem, and who he is outside of His Name. and also julius gets his ass beat by reid. his childhood idol. who reinhard KNEW was a shitty person but never ever told julius (whether this is because reinhard wanted to spare julius's hero worship or because reinhard never got the chance to tell julius is hard to say lajdsf). but julius does get to triumphantly win in the end!! grow as a person!!! learn to undo a bit of that repression and not hold himself to impossible standards all the time!! hes growing still!!! hes finally solidified his friendships with people like subaru and emilia!! hes remaking his relationship with anastasia!! hes asserted himself, hes planning on going to meet reinhard again one day and duel him!! things are looking up even if its still bittersweet that he doesnt have his name back yet!! does this mean?? perhaps?? a HAPPY ENDING?? julius can have the two men (reinhard and subaru) he admires the most in his life?????? as friends???? or as boyfriends?????? slowburn mutual pining????????????????????????????????????????
and then comes. arc 8 otto. that piece of shit.
julius is very much someone who has to grapple with the weight of the expectations that people throw at him. and also reinhard is someone who May envy julius a bit, but there's also you know, joshua and subaru with the Explicit Envy and (past) resentment because theyre placing heavy expectations on julius!! theyre pointing blame at julius!! julius is trying to find himself outside of stuff like that, especially after arc 6, but he's still got stuff to work on you know? he still has duties to fulfill!! loyalty that he has to act on bc hes gotta help subaru and co in arc 8!! and then in comes otto.
otto is also someone with expectation placed on him, but its Different. ottos mostly a nobody and when hes Not a nobody, his reputation tends to be Derogatory. hes a menace. hes a bad luck charm. hes grappling with the fact that he has to keep being left behind - post-arc 5 bc he was injured, but also repeatedly during arcs 7 and 8 because hes too physically weak to be on the same playing field as emilia or garfiel or subaru on the battlefield. he feels Useless after placing his identity on the expectation that hes Dependable and Useful.
julius is a bit more on even ground with otto now that julius is. also mostly a nobody bc his name is still gone. and also julius had to deal with having that part of his identity crushed. julius tried to be useful over and over in arc 6 only to get his ass repeatedly curb stomped by reid in the beginning. he was a nobody. he wasnt dependable anymore. and also otto is that one guy he had a Passing Fling with over having The Ones Who Got Away and julius was still vaguely hopeful about maybe being pals at least but ottos brushed him off a bit since arc 5. theyre like each others secrets you know? and now otto doesnt know that shit - julius is the only one who Knows - and otto also hates julius's fucking guts now. over SUBARU. and julius has been through this whole rodeo clown circus with arc 3 subaru so this is an absolutely terrible ride through memory lane.
and this is julius's THIRD twink that hates him for terribly unfair reasons. julius is very tired and a bit heartbroken in this au trying to pretend it doesnt bother him. on one level it doesnt. bc ottos pathetic and clearly Overcompensating for Something. on another level it kinda does bc julius had a Thing going with otto. and otto is the complete opposite of julius. like hes different from the other guys julius has liked.
julisuba is about complimentary opposites - they appear Extremely Different at first glance but theyre very similar. theyre people who try to look and act bigger than they are, people who keep reaching to be The Best, to be Perfect, because theyre overcompensating. theyre worried their entire identity is only built off of trying to be bigger than the shadow that other people in their lives (like their families) cast. but they cant reach perfection. and julius is like subaru but if subaru tried to really make himself "refined" - if he tried to stop putting his heart on his sleeve all the time. reinsuba are very similar too. theyre very refined knights who try to keep themselves in check at all times while the weight of the world is on their shoulders. they cant have a hair out of place. except julius is like the "smaller" version of reinhard. julius is less powerful. its like comparing a human and a "god" - reinhard, whos untouchable. but its a double edged sword, because julius gets to be a normal person, because half the expectation placed on him is also purely from himself, while reinhard isnt. reinhard isnt Free. hes on a leash by the kingdom and his family. julius even gets his kind of "celebrity" status stolen from him via the loss of his name. hes truly kind of Normal now - julius is like if reinhard didnt have his crazy abilities and had a little more of a chance to be free.
otto? yeah otto is. very very far from all of that. hes so obviously imperfect that most of his reputation, when its brought up, is just him being known as a mess who's caused various forms of chaos everywhere he goes. either that or hes just. There. Invisible. very very average. and otto is someone who wants a nice comfortable life, someone who wants to fit in - julius and subaru arent Exactly like that, and while reinhard also wants to be normal, ottos the one who has more of an opportunity. but he doesnt. because otto Dooms Himself by being recklessly cutthroat. otto is like if subaru was just. More of an asshole, so ottojuli would just be a rather Extreme Challenge for julius to have to deal with HAH. and normally otto is someone who repays how people treat him - a very "you treat me like this, i'll treat you the same way in turn" kind of deal, except ottos developed a vendetta against julius and its basically like if subaru never let go of his arc 3 julius vendetta.
yes so anyway. etc etc stuff probably happens but i ran out of ideas lajdlfjasdf i just think combining ALL the boy drama and recontextualizing + adding to canon would be. batshit crazy. and terribly entertaining. im so sorry julius but i want to see you crack a bit under the pressure. reinjuli as a ship is like tragic gay yearning that never goes anywhere past being friends with quiet homoerotic tension, then julisuba is. you know. extreme rivals to lovers, starts out Rough but then ends up being super super sweet and theyre Trying their best underneath the self esteem issues. and then ottojuli is. toxic yaoi at its finest (pun intended). you get Every flavor of mlm possible!!
ok so you may be asking "ok what would you even name this fic then" and to that i say that this would be called To All the Boys I've Loved Before.
anyway i really wanna write this idea someday ill inform you guys (if youre reading this and are Interested) if it ever happens :< so. in conclusion this is just julius the entire time throughout all of these events:
#rezero#re:zero#arc 5-8 spoilers#yes i made this post also so i can dramatically drop the wip title for this fic idea at the end of it and then laugh to myself bc i think#its the most perfect title of all time.#also adding up all of the rezero boy drama is important to me ok. and i was mostly going into the julius side of things in this post aldsjf#it gets messier when you remember reinsuba. and ottosuba. and reinotto. its incredibly funny to me. truly the worlds worst love pentagon.#or love square???? love shape????#on a serious note i would love to see more queer stories exploring like. a person's different relationships over the years. bc sometimes it#does feel like this you know?? having drastically different dynamics with each person and each person knows you in different ways!!#its a fun character study exercise. and it feels true to life imo. you grow and change throughout your life and your relationships at each#time period can kind of reflect who you were as a person at the time. if that makes sense. idk i have many feelings on it HAH#natsuki subaru#reinhard van astrea#otto suwen#julius juukulius#also i do often hc reinhard otto julius as being on the ace spectrum. i dont really write otto being ace in mind for Every wip i do but yes#i do have these hcs and reasoning for them!!! also specifically i hc reinhard as being on the aroace spectrum. these are just hcs of course#hah but yes i quite like my hcs for them.
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Ty for answering my asks! Recently, I saw some fanart of the gender bendered crew and it got me curios, how much would the plot change if Jimmy was a woman. I mean, she would still be emotionally abusive (esp to Fem!Curly), but at lest, I guess, the crash would've never happened (?)
Also, her relationship w/ Anya: if she was assulted still, it prolly would've been dissmissed, since it's between 2 women. Or, if Anya is male in this scenario, he couldn't really be able to talk abt it, since society decided that "women can't r*pe men", so it's not serious and he should suck it up. Man, it's just sucks to be Anya in any scenario my poor girl 😭
What do you think? If you have an opinion on that at all, that is
-💀
I think the scenario's where the gender was flipped or any level of gender based intersectionality is expanded makes it so much more complex.
If this is the scenario with fem!Jimmy, it comes with the territory of questionable internalized homophobia. Does Jimmy brush it off in this scenario because she doesn't think lesbian encounters are real ones? Is she struggling with her identity and taking it out on Anya who may be openly queer compared a fem!Curly who is either straight or just not interested in Jimmy? Perhaps it's a sort of weird entitled that can occur in female dominated spaces "We're both girls, I know what you have, it won't matter." It's still is something I don't see Jimmy denying in this scenario, he never really denies it in canon just talks around it with Curly. Here I can see it's less about the pregnancy and more so about the internalized homophobia. Not seeing Anya as anything but an unwanted aspect of her femineity and the allure of it, there's a lot more objectification of both Curly and Anya in this alteration as I would believe feels better thinking of them in that light if they are just fodder in her mind. Guilty pleasures that no longer bring her such. It's a careful situation because I don't want this to fall into predatory lesbian stereotyping, Jimmy is just a person who does not respect other people or their choice, if it conflict with what he wants or perceived is owed.
The idea of Curly having to report it and outing her not only as a rapist but queer and the denial, especially in the case Anya and Curly are both out as she feels a sort of resentment she can't be secure with herself that way. If it is masc!Curly, there could be the jealousy of him being able to actively pursue relationships he wants while she feels she can't, Anya and Curly playfully flirt, its casual but it's something she longs for in the same way she doesn't. She obsesses over Curly because she wishes she could be Curly in a social sense in both aspect male or female Curly.
If it's fem!Jimmy and masc!Anya? It's a much more delicate situation. In this scenario Jimmy gets pregnant. Maybe Anya does a blood test after the incident and finds out Jimmy is pregnant. It's a very sensitive matter because if it's fem!Curly her first assumption is Anya may have done something. That is just the immediate assumptions in cases like this. I think the fact that Anya is telling her would make Curly think it's not that simple, especially since Jimmy isn't brining it up or really caring but everyone reacts differently. Jimmy is pregnant however, and that's a big deal, she'll figure that out eventually on her own but how will she react? Curly knows it won't be good, Anya knows too.
I think the crash is instigated in this scenerio by fem!Curly actually doing more, refusing to sweep it under the rug because she can conceptualize that fear, likely she and Jimmy are the only girls on board. She trusts everyone, well did trust everyone, but it's just something you live with. She can't just live with that double standard but I feel like she really doesn't know how to address it. How does she bring it up to superiors without implicating Anya? What does she do with Jimmy, it still feels like she's catering to Jimmy but now the concern is primarily focused on the life this baby will be born into. If it is born at all. I don't think Jimmy would try to kill Anya in this concept but try to spin the narrative it was mutual up until she got pregnant. Curly doesn't really buy it but it's a lot of processing, a lot more he said she said but what Jimmy is saying just doesn't make sense. It gives Jimmy too much time to really settle with the fact she's pregnant and likely can't support a kid nor wants to give birth out in space. Jimmy feeling like she's being othered from the only other woman could also be a factor, maybe even starting into her thinking Curly is behaving like a "pick-me" for siding with a guy over her. The crash is more spiteful in terms of having to protect herself alone, due to Curly not outright supporting her delusions.
It really adds a certain horror to Jimmy's pregnancy hallucinations because after the crash they are about her, her symptoms the sign of showing. She doesn't want the child either and considering what being pregnant can do to your mental/physical state, especially some of the more negative symptoms, I doubt she is handling it well. A lot of Anya's struggles are with the stigmas around male victims. His body reacted so did he want it? He's gonna be a father and courts likely will make him pay or care for the baby even if they take Anya's side, their world is just like that. Would the other's blame him for not doing more, he is a man after all? Should he be considered lucky a woman was that into him? It's eating away at him because not only does he not feel safe, he actively blames himself.
In the case Curly is still a cis guy, its that weird feeling guys often get when talking about male victims of assault. I don't think he'd victim blame but he likely asks or thinks about how it could've happened, why wouldn't Anya just overpower Jimmy? Maybe he couldn't? Maybe Anya didn't have it in him to strike a woman. He wouldn't. Now he thinks of what he would have done if Jimmy did something like that to him. SImilary to my trans!Curly post, he's wondering if it could've been him. It's likely one of the first times in his life he has to think of that type of vulnerability in terms of himself and other men and against likely his girl best friend. I think that arm pat right before Jimmy crashes the ship would really make him feel weird, not like he'd have the time to really dig into those feeling but y'know WERE GONNA CRASH!!!.
In terms of Jimmy and Curly's specific relationship, it just gets messier if they aren't both guys or girls. There's a lot of misogny on Jimmy's side with fem!Curly. He often points out she's a woman captain or makes a point of her being one of the few independent woman in her field and how certain men hate that. It's insidious but Curly doesn't think about or like to cause she likes to believe Jimmy isn't one of those guys. He can be a bit antiquated, maybe a bit of a pig but no ones perfect! Here a lot of his resentment is more gear toward a woman having that power over him as Captain/filling the typical male roles he fails at. He can't stand that she's above him in almost aspect and he likely takes it out on other women. Similarly, fem!Jimmy and cis Curly is just as bad. It's a fact of not knowing if she wants to be him, wants him or wants to destroy him. It's obsession without anything positive. She feels entitled to his space and life and time and he has a hard time setting up boundaries cause, well, Jimmy's a girl, his bestfriend and it comes with all the stigmas around boygirl best friends. To him it's a sort of oppressive doting, he feels wrong telling her not to pick and like he's being controlling. That's how she'd spin it whenever he'd try to make boundaries with her.
They are still just friends but most people can't tell even if they can tell it's not healthy, in both cases. Either way I feel like if they were opposite genders to each other there would a specific infatuation Jimmy would have with Curly that would be less hidden but sort of unaddressed because the idea of Curly rejecting them would make them lash out in a way Curly may just leave for their safety. It's also Jimmy wouldn't want to be with Curly specifically but just want what would consistently provide/available.
If they are both girls, its envy. It's that sort of hate that someone fits the standards you don't, wanting them to be picked second or crack. She likes to get into Curly's head, point out flaws and act like it's just her being helpful. She wants Curly to be a girls girl but only for her. There's a sort of possessiveness like purposely jeopardizing relationships because why would a man come first? That girl hates me and is a pick me, why are you friends with her still, Curly? Like this is silly but think about how Regina George treats Gretchen Wieners and that's effectively how fem!Curly and fem!Jimmy would work but technically Curly has the sway of Regina.
I believe the crash would always happen. Jimmy would try to escape responsibility or really thinking about what they did in any world, any gender. It's about facing the consequences, losing things he refuses to let go of or having to deal with responsibilities he's not ready for. The switching of sex or gender really doesn't change those core aspects.
#this is long cause theres so many ideas to play with here and how jimmy and Curly would work but the specifc things happening with Anya#like if she wasnt pregnant thats a relief but its the sort of situation where she has to think about her own sexuality in the scenerio shes#queer and how Jimmy affect her. Its addressing it with Curly who may get it but maybe she gets it too much maybe its hard to hear about Jim#cause for all she knew Jimmy was straight and now she has to think of all the odd conversations and nights they shared beds and maybe#feelings she had but she has to focus on putting Anya first but what does she do? Outing someone is bad but this can be dismmised?#Would the pony express just punish both anya and jimmy and curly what if theres a dont ask dont tell policy? what if they dont care cause#they are all women. its not an issue if its just girls not getting along after “experimenting”. Back to male Anya and female Jimmy they wil#assume it was consensual and anya just doesnt want the kid often that is pushed on male rape narratives. Jimmy is pregnant and on edge#does Curly also have to factor in the child? I feel like the feast scene would be Jimmy delusionally thinking Curly is helping support the#child i mean he is the most well off the bread winner he puts food on the table he is the food! Would polle being Anya talk about how Jimmy#doesnt have it in her to foster a child to support one emotionally without damage? Why so focused on making Curly the idealized male#or provider in her life when she went after him? For female Curly is it envy that she did this to herself and Curly has even more prospects#than her now? What if Anya was fawning because he didn't want the kid but hated the idea of Jimmy killing it to spite him? Or perhaps using#it as a means of control because even if he doesn't want it i doubt he wants it to be punished or abused. It is a burden something no one#wanted but it is being fostered five months in and Jimmys showing a bump and Anya cant ignore all the implications of it being born to her#maybe he kills himself to avoid living in a world its subjected to that pain to to save himself from it. GOD the pills with Curly are worse#for male Anya fem!Curly because its so much more direct he cant shove something down a womans throat who is clearly unwilling it makes#him feel like Jimmy to watch her struggle against him and he cant do it and with Jimmy it is so much more direct about a mother feeding#theri child and abusing it like the nuance if any gender flipping was canon would tear this fandom apart now imma thinking crazy about this#thanks skull anon like really ur asks get me thinking#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#💀 anon#ask#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse anya#anya mouthwashing
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sorry if ive made this exact post before i love metablogging when i have nothing else to say. funny that i gave myself permission to talk and express myself on my main account yet i continue to basically only talk in my personal blog rambling hole, i think i realized a while back that mostly its just my friends that care about my posts/interact with me so posting where theyre concentrated is i guess more efficient and less embarrassing
#getting over my attention seeking complexes?!?#well redirecting them in a way that makes more sense and causes me less stress ig#i wanted to revive this blog since i missed having a 'public face' but it turns out i dont have shit to say#i rarely draw and i dont often have lore im willing to publically share#i dont have any 'takes' that people other than me have said better#uhhh#media blogging has always been appealing to me but i dont think i like doing it either#again feeling like i dont have anything unique to say + my attachments to stuff are always really stupid and personal#i guess i just dont really feel like i need to have those expressed/validated online i got my own little world already#and im also not going to whine about my stupid life and daily routine here since#idk how to separate what people find illuminating/interesting vs whats just kind of whiny and doesnt even communicate much#again not worth it when i feel like im pretty satisfief with expressing/dealing with those things more privately#rambling... well enjoy
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Say Hello to Ampellio! I made this reference for Artfight, but he's been rattling away in my brain for a long while!
He's the counterpart to Exelia, my sona! Which makes him my sona as well, in a way :] In their story, he takes the primary role as the antagonist.
#ampellio#the moonfish#my art#digital art#character design#rolls him around in my hands#Ampellio is an important one for me#I dont really get into my Mental Faculties on the interwebs but he's an important part of who I am#He is who i was. and am. and part of who i always will be#He is and is not me#He could never be Me again but we are one and the same etc etc#Exelia's story is largely one told to parallel my life and who I am- to express my relationship with myself through fiction#I dont often talk about them! this world largely exists as loose concepts and feelings but its there!#but regardless. pinches Ampellios cheek#It took me AGES to pin down a design that felt remotely fitting. so meet The Moonfish 🌙🐟
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i still art, rest assured q7q working on commissions and personal stories...SO i'm posting an old finished mermay thing before the month is out uvub. got a bunch of textured brushes on a whim and had a lil fun with them with sealmaid Mareen <3
Commissions OPEN / My Site: gabberdraw.carrd.co / Shop: gabberdraw.bigcartel.com
#mermay#mareen the mess#selkie#mermaid#illustration#this gave me nice book illustration feelings and imma little proud of some the details i got from the brushes <3#imma try and post more often (i say as i might jinx it) but i always feel guilty that i dont even post on my own art blog y7y#life is just really.........Life™ right now and the climate of the world isnt helping oTL
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where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3
#i mean it was a little more fleshed out than that#i asked for a hug and she asked if i was okay and i didnt say anything so she said something about me feeling like#untethered. just kind of floating through life. and i said yeah. and she told me im doing a good job like. getting through the day basically#and i cried about it because i dont even know why its so hard#and i feel so shitty all the time because i just feel like a shit person like i dont try hard enough with my nephew#and hes so little and so smart and im so awful and every day im worried hes going to stop liking me bc im still learning how to be. gentle.#because i grew up with yelling and a locked pantry and an older sister who had to raise me#so i dont know how to not yell and not escape into my own world when i cant be bothered#and i have really good days and really terrible days and hes not a Job hes my nephew and i want to treat him like my nephew#and it feels so selfish to say im tired and that its hard and stressful and i dont know what im doing#bc my sister has to do it too and she doesnt get breaks like i do#she doesnt get to just decide to leave for the night - and i mean i dont do that but i have the option#and everyone keeps. like. telling me im doing good and im helpful and my sister especially tells me often shes grateful for me#and it makes me feel Awful bc i feel like i dont do enough and that the stuff i DO isnt good enough and just argh#anyway#vent over i need to go to bed its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours#captain speaks
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#depression is so weird. have been getting everything i want and have been experiencing such wonderful things#but i've been feeling like i can't enjoy any of it and that there's this horrible thick glass wall between me and my emotions and the world#i'm really hoping that things like getting back to work (took a long vacation) and alone time and#trying to do things like going for walks and stretching and eating more often will help#i may even look for further part time employment :')#and also will hopefully begin giving clothes away soon (that have been in to give away boxes for years now) to friends and their friends#it's been weighing on me for a while and i think part of it is that i need to feel more in control of my life and my space#but i fear it may also just be normal old depression as well :( and i am completely forgetting#all of the things you're supposed to do to help yourself when the depression gets really unbearably bad#usually it is anxiety and ocd that are giving me the most problems but now depression has reared its head up over those two again#idk i guess all this to say i am grateful and i had fun and i love everyone and nothing bad happened but i dont feel happy lately#my post
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I'd like to formally thank Dungeon Meshi through this post for singlehandedly making me see cooking and eating in a new exciting light. Since watching the anime and reading the manga I have taken much more care into what I put into my body and although I haven't started cooking yet the prospect of cooking is no longer associated with painful drag. In fact I look foward to it!
Thank you so much Dungeon Meshi!!
#dunmeshi#also having a story that actively explore and show its characters through their relationship with food really got me rethinking many things#the main characters are the ones with the healthier relationship with food and they inspire me every day#but there are also characters who suck at cooking and taking care of themselves so they often forget to eat anything at all#i think this might be relatable to many people (even i have had periods of my life like that) but i often dont see it explored enough#actually i dont even see it mentioned on other media#but its actually such a subtle way to show how your characters are like because damn everyone needs to eat#eating is the priviledge of the living#it is an essential part of our day to day lives and everyone must eat something to keep going#but sometimes it can be so hard to eat anything at all or it can be done with such indifference or suffering#and i think our relationship with food really shows how we engage with the world and how we prepare for engaging with it#dungeon meshi got me thinking really hard of food and eating and cooking and i have only reaped benefits for it#thank you dungeon meshi
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The funny thing about playing BG3 right after its release is like. Usually with RPGs I obsessively look up the dialogue for every interaction to make sure I choose the Right Thing but since this game just came out those kinds of guides just... don't exist yet. Like sure I can look up general walkthroughs for different quests, but there's not any articles detailing the approval/disapproval rating for every character on each individual dialogue option like there is for, say Dragon Age, so I'm having to actually fuck around and find out for once
#rambling#my urge to research all the dialogue choices before picking anything is bc of the autism im sure#when you live a life where its very difficult for you to know the right thing to say and you often get misinterpreted#its nice to have a break in a fantasy world where you can know exactly how youll be interpreted and be confident you chose Correctly#if these resources already existed for baldurs gate i would 100% be doing the same thing rn#(even tried a few times with no luck lol)#but since they dont... im actually like. playing the rpg as an rpg for once. and im having FUN with it too#figuring out my characters voice from the perspective of what they would say instead of the outcome i want them to get#making choices with the same knowledge they have about the situation instead of acting as some sort of omnipotent puppeteer#its funny that its taken me this long to just. play a game normally ahdjsksk. and really im doing it against my will. but i like it!#this is also the first time ive actually played something right after it came out#usually i end up waiting like months or years after the hype dies down before i get into it bc i just keep putting it off#playing a new game as it comes out without like a librarys worth of wiki articles to reference is an entirely new experience for me lol#who knew it could be fun?#(AN: the answer is Everyone Who Is Normal)
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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i am beyond fascinated by the mental process that Nigel NileRed/NileBlue goes through for his videos
#wind howls#its like. mind boggling. how this man can make like. hot sauce from gloves. soda from paint thinner. cotton candy from cotton balls.#and he had never seen cookie dough ever before in his life before trying to synthethize a cookie.#its like. i dont know man at least in my case and in some people i know. they/i developped an interest for chemistry bc of cooking/baking#i dont see the other way around very often. it fascinates me#like how he was so stressed out watching One Singular Cookie Bake. and the fact that it cost him 5k to make and it sucked so bad 😭#that makes me a little sad but its also so funny. dude....#i didnt realize just how wildly different sciences baking and chemistry can be apparently ! i always thought of them as hand in hand#which i guess is also kinda the case. its all so amazing to me#all the same i hope mr nigel was able to eat some tastier cookies. ALSO HE LIKE. MADE HIS OWN CHOCOLATE. TEMPERED AND EVERYTHING#BUT HE HAD NEVER MADE COOKIES BEFORE IN HIS LIFE 😭⁉️#SORRY SORRY thats the last of it i just find that so so funny and impressive somehow. its really just fascinating. the world is awesome
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ofc ive always had adhd, but personally what really fucked up my attention span is agar.io (and being depressed enough to play it for hours every day. people whose lives are ok dont do that shit)
#like im financially stable but really really really really lonely and it was covid when i started + body image problems etc#im already taking all the meds i can this is more of a skill issue#lets break down why my life is so bad: im rude to people and end up randomly (accidentally?) upsetting them often#so its hard to maintain friendships#im on social media for friends instead of irl bc messing up irl is scarrier but combined with agario its messing with my attention span#(it didnt use to. how i use social media just changed. i used to watch long videos and fine tune my tumblr feed)#+ lets be honest the world is kinda scary and difficult for everyone#also its hard to find true communist queer autistic polish people who dont drink AND are not on tiktok#but still i should really get out there#i should sleep more eat better excersize more and idk maybe i would have more energy. idk how much of it is incurable chronic fatigue#but i need energy to get out there. i have time just not the energy#and maybe not the confidence. admittedly my confidence is very fake and fragile and i can talk to people but when i fail i crumble#crumble is such a cool word. crumble bumble doo be di doo. i have a little red present for you#i like rhyming with scatting. you can just say whatever. one of my fav cartoon gags is when you can kinda tell what the character will rhym#like 'crumble bumble doo be di dosis my mother has come down with osteoporosis'#ok going to sleep now goodnigth
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Ughhh not the 1 am maybe I should fix my entire life right now thoughts
#it me#my current thought is I should suck it up and get a car#i hate cars i really prefer public transportation#but its not realistic to take every time i need to unfortunately#more often than not it really screws up my time management#i could get everything right but what's it matter if the bus is delayed#and like when i have kids what am i gonna do bike them to their friends house?#idk i love traveling and wandering and getting lost and finding new things#but the older i get the more I'm like ew no the world is disgusting#and i prefer convenience over satisfying my wanderlust#i got scammed trying to buy a car once in Texas so that kinda soured the idea for me too#like it took forever to earn that money just for someone to scam me in days#it wasn't even a lot of money like aint no way it was life changing#but to me it was all the money i had to buy a car#and that's what i mean by this world is disgusting people go out of their way to be awful#siggggh anyway another reason is it'd be cool to drive my bf around on roadtrips and not worry about crashing his car#i dont worry about that regardless cuz I'm a cautious driver#but you know its someone elses car lol i want no liability
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