#in the tags because i’m scared but like. i hate having to preface talking about a character by saying that i don’t like.

[phasewashere]

rant. mayhaps

[abstractdiagram]

Hellooooo down there! Ye be warned TMI and bizzarity (is that a word?) is ahead.

I have been stuck in a loop of WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY DRAFTS

FOR THIRTY MINUTES!

Finally found them by signing in on not-mobile and dicking about there for far too long. Guess what. No fuckin drafts. So I had a lovely preface basically for this same post but now I’ve lost two trains of thought and I can vaguely remember… uh. Yeah I remember. How the new game I had been playing for an hour before starting that post was making me think I was running out of holes for the letters so the letters could fall down. And how I fucken went to the Transformers One movie even though I had zero interest and he won’t do fuck all anything for me. I told him he had a month to stop ignoring me except when he needs emotional/moral support and make an effort because if I wanted to be ignored I’d have … well. I’ve never stayed with someone who ignored me so I have no examples to give. An ouroboros of … shit. I took too long trying to spell that word.

I don’t know what I hate more. The fact that we can’t get his depression under control even with actually qualified professionals’ help or that now he has no libido and no fucks to give AND depression.

I’ve surprisingly been doing ok. A bit better than ok because I’ve been able to write. Like visualize in brain AND get it into print/screen/cloud. This current fic didn’t flow right by hand. One I started it in the default iPhone notes (can hackers get me easier now?!?!! Do they want Harry Potter m/m Tomarry fan fic? My lists of books by author? Triple crossed hockey sticks drafts?aaaaaasssssssssssssss) anyway. Fuck. I guess now I won’t link it…. Fuck it. I have an iPhone. They have everything about me from shoe size to triple crossed hockey sticks I prefer.

Except I can’t figure out how to do it. It’s been 9tened minutes and the damn snake is back again eating its own tail like a ouroboros of dumbass.

Archive of our own: Harry Potter and the Lion, the Witch, and the Audacity of This Bitch by AbstractDiagram

(me!) heed warnings and tags my darlins because I’m too loony toons raised up to list or even remember em here.

Speaking of warnings. Reactivate!

I want to talk about important stuff. Nope. Brain supplies “breasts need attention” to which I replied? “Mine or hers?” Brain: “malfunction. Error. ‘Just whomst the fuck is “hers”’ referring too-est?”

(Did I just get a quote in a quote in a quote? Yes I did Other Barry Other Abstract, yes I did.)

Me: JE Suis de FUCKING CHRIST ON STILETTO HELLS THAT WAS HARD THINK. First I thought the self-convo. Then I thought about thinking it so I could write it down where I had to think of the words were in the correct order. ANOTHER SHART-TROUSERED-TOGLODITE of an ouroboros!!!

Fuck. I wanted to link what I think is the second song on Vanilla Ice’s cassette. “Stop this Train I Wanna Get Off”. But the music search doesn’t know it. Or I’m misremembering some part of it and/or experiencing a personal Mandala Effect.

There’s just been a sound outside. Metallic clang. Like someone hitting a trash can lid. And my brain hole has convinced me there’s someone dressed as a clown outside the window that is less that a standard size man can reach away from me. I scared myself so bad I stopped breathing and only started again when I realized that standard size man is bad languages. Speaking of bad language can I say “sexist” and not get ban-hammered?

Bahahhahahahahah! Brain just sent a flood of what can only be referred to as grasshoppers in helium making my boobs jumpy and floaty. “Yo Bee-atch. Boobies. Need. Attention. But I’m talking with everyone in my blogosphere. But. If not boobies? Munchies? (🎵“Mon-chi-chi, Mon-chi-chi”🎵) I have got to get away from doing these thoughts in thoughts in thoughts like (🤯😡🤬😡🤬😠🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 say it with me now:) “an ouroboros.” Which. I can almost spell now. I’m close enough and/or attempted enough that the spell check gods have pity on me and throw it up there something about I can spell “ouroboros.” Almost.

Little lovelies if you made it this far, thank you.

There’s a man I need to see about a canoe. Or something like that. IT MEANS IMMA WATCH triple crossed hockey sticks videos (“Did I just do a recall <double - recall IN A MUTHAFUCKEN RECALL> inside an Ouroboros INSIDE ANOTHER RECALL Other Barry Other Abstract? Yes I did.”)

I may have to revisit it later because that had BETTER MAKE FUCKEN SENSE tomorrow or I’m gonna be very upset.

Brain promised me tits but I kept getting more snakes. I’m ever so pissed.

Fuck your two videos a post. For thou hast provided me with a Make A Gif button and I now have a gif of that video so there. That’s not the clip I wanted. Wait. Please hold.

Ok. So I wanted the “Tappa…” lady saying “I’m ever-so pissed.” But I decided I’d settle on the lady as posted above to use as this example by using it as in an example. (Ouroboros!) but then I could only find this Windy-oh’s 95 Paint flip book version and I realized. Oh fuck. House of rodent representative would shut that shit down. If you can’t see aforementioned lady’s image flickering above then I decided in (fuckING SNakEseses!) I decided to it not risk jt.

I just hallucinated two things in rapid succession and now I’m half petrified and half fidgeting nervous - and not too/bottom half or left/right halves. Fucking right arm (for typing) and left knee jostling. Other limbs left arm/right knee I can’t get to move. But as I looked at my phone the left half of my left eye’s visual field showed me a view out a window that I haven’t even seen the house the window is for thirty years. Oddly nostalgic dusty barely orange tone that made me smell summer weekend at Betty’s house. I could smell the cigarettes and beer and dogs and hot outside humidity. For a good ten seconds I was able to type (many errors! But I’m vain even highfalutin so I edit as I go) and see that wall, window, leaves, sky. But then (now too… if I cut off suddenly it was clowns in the window <re-call!>) there was another {ouroboros} metallic sound and

Shit there was one when I searched that that now I’m 3/4 petrified (but not the (Re-call) quarters you’d think. I have my right hand, my right toes up to my cramping-at-the-moment!!!-calf and the bottom of my left foot and left toes.

Ok well. Fucked that up by breaking paralysis to take picture of my cramped up 1/4th.

I have to stop here. I have to. I could do this “not Captain America quote.”

[rbbalmung]

Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Character Analysis P2

Hey all! I was going to call this “Gym Leader Analysis”, but I really wanted to talk about Leon and Sonia too. We’re just keeping this series going! Keep an eye out for P3 (It’ll probably be posted in the same night).

LEON:

AGE: 26

ETHNICITY: Half Hispanic, Half Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Leon is definitely cool uncle friend. I know he is a hot mess and can barely look after himself, but I just feel like he is so good at taking care of other people. 

Leon is a man of many faces. He can pump up a crowd one moment and rid his face of emotion the next. It is definitely jarring when someone first gets to know him. 

Leon is pansexual. He pretty much flirts with anyone (within his age range, of course). That being said, he isn’t out to the public yet. He isn’t ashamed of it at all; he just doesn’t want his sexuality to be the only thing he’s known for. 

Speaking of flirting, there is nobody he flirts harder with than Raihan ;) 

Leon was 12 when his dad died, and it hit him really hard. Since the rest of his family took it even harder than he did, he internalised a lot of his pain and focused on trying to help raise Hop. He doesn’t really feel like he ever got the closure he needed. 

Oh boy, is Leon protective over Hop. There is a 10 year age difference between them, so he will always feel like Hop is his “Baby Brother”. 

(Fun fact: He develops a similar relationship to Gloria when he becomes her Champion Mentor). 

Leon is a bit of an adrenaline junkie. He doesn’t really process the fact that some of the things he deals with are incredibly dangerous, which is a bit concerning to his friends. On a more lighthearted note, this means that he will ride any roller coaster without breaking a sweat. 

Cannot cook to save his life. 

Leon, like Hop, has ADD. That’s why he’s always getting lost/seems to have trouble keeping focus. 

SONIA:

AGE: 26

ETHNICITY: White

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Sonia is the smartest out of our gaggle of characters and she knows it. 

She and Leon entered the GPL together, but she dropped out before going to Hammerlock. Sonia originally joined the league thinking it was something she wanted to do because she was good at pokemon battles, but she quickly learned that the rigorous lifestyle trainers live wasn’t for her. 

Sonia had an uncertain period of her life where her best friends had all become gym leaders and she was stuck in Wedgehurst helping her grandmother. She definitely had imposter syndrome when hanging around them, so for a few years, she kept her distance. Attending University really helped her start to find her footing, though she wasn’t sure what branch of pokemon studies she wanted to focus on (until the game starts). 

She has a strong pokemon team, but she doesn’t fight with them anymore. She mostly keeps them around for company and they help her with her research! 

Sonia is super close with Hop. After becoming champion, Leon asked her to keep an eye on him. They very much have a sibling relationship (though neither will admit it). 

She is the friend that is overly invested in everyone’s love lives. Sonia is constantly trying to set everyone up together because she “just loves love”. 

RAIHAN:

AGE: 25

ETHNICITY: Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Tall boy! Raihan is freaking huge, and being around everyone else in the League only heightens this fact. He jokes that the one thing he will always hold over Leon is their height difference. 

You would think Sonia is the biggest gossip, but we all know that Raihan is. You can trust him if it’s something serious, but you have to preface that. If you don’t, you may as well kiss your secrets goodbye. 

Raihan is the best person to go to when you need help. He has big Gryffindor energy and will literally do anything you need him to. If he doesn’t, you just have to call him out for “being a coward”. His pride will definitely be the death of him. 

Raihan has the biggest social media presence despite not being champion. He is really good to his fans and will try to interact with them as much as possible. Will always sign autographs or stop to take a picture. 

He met Sonia, Leon, and Nessa through the GPL (they were all in the same season). He beat out Nessa but lost to Leon in the finals. Raihan took the defeat pretty hard and made it his goal to dethrone Leon, so he fought Hammerlocke’s previous gym leader and the rest is history. 

He really wants to impress Leon ;)

Bede once challenged his for his throne, but lost. Raihan always brings this up to him now that they’re both gym leaders just to piss Bede off. 

He really likes egging on his friends. Raihan never crosses the line, but he’ll say just the right thing to make you challenge him to a pokemon battle. 

Puts on a brave face, but definitely lets negative comments get to him.

The chaotic one in the friend group. 

PIERS:

AGE: 22

ETHNICITY: White

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Such a pure, soft boy. Literally the nicest, chillest person. He just scares people off with his edgy demeanour. 

He cares a lot about the people in his town. Since Spikemuth is small, it definitely feels like everyone there is a family. It was the main reason he refused to move the Dark Type Gym to a different location to obtain a Dynamax hotspot. (That, and he hates Dynamaxing). 

Speaking of, he is fairly new as a gym leader! Leon nominated him to participate in the GPL after noticing his raw talent in the GJPL (Galarian Junior Pokemon League). Piers didn’t expect to make it as far as he did, but he was truly the dark horse of his season. He made it all the way to finals and wiped the floor with the gym leaders he went up against. He did end up losing, but he used the newfound fame he received from participating to kickstart his band.

Two years later, Leon approached him again and asked if he was still interested in becoming a new gym leader. It started as a small, non league Gym, but his notoriety quickly gained Spikemuth new attention. He joined the League only one year after debuting. 

Despite being crazy talented at being a pokemon trainer, Piers really isn’t interested in it anymore. He likes the freedom that comes with pursuing his music career. (It definitely helped that his little sister shaped up to be an astounding pokemon trainer herself). 

Coolest big brother ever. Marnie chastises him for pampering her, but they are definitely best friends. They’re the type of siblings that, if one of them goes to the grocery store, the other will just tag along. 

Dad Friend. 100% a Dad Friend. Literally adopts Marnie’s friends the second he sees them. (Who are these twerps? Ok, I guess they’re my children now). Would never admit to this fact. 

Vegan. 

Piers and Marnie grew up in an artsy family with three other brothers (he is the exact middle child). They weren’t rich, but they are all super close and supportive of each other. 

NESSA:

AGE: 25

ETHNICITY: Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Looks are definitely deceiving with this one. Nessa is good at keeping a serene face, but if she loses, she is definitely seething underneath. 

So pretty, oh my god. She was scouted by a modelling agent during her GPL season. Nessa only signed after she lost the Finals Tournament. Her career started as something to keep food on the table now that she couldn’t become champion, but she has grown to respect her craft. She likes to use it to promote small businesses and make political statements. 

Nessa was trained by the previous gym leader of Hulbury (another water type trainer), so it was no surprise to anybody when she tried to hand their title off to her. Nessa refused to take it without winning a pokemon battle, fair and square. 

She is super athletic! Nessa was on the swimming team throughout school and won several region championships! Sometimes during the off season, she’ll help teach swim classes to younger kids. 

Best friends to lovers with Sonia! They met during their GPL but didn’t start to get romantic feelings towards each other until 6 years later. Everyone knows that Nessa has a girlfriend, but she keeps the fact that it is Sonia private because she doesn’t want the crazy fanboys to target her. 

Nessa takes on a big-sister-role to all of the new female gym leaders (Gloria, Marnie, and Bea). She and Melody will literally strike down anyone who even looks at their girls funny. 

Her relationship with Milo is hilarious to anyone who isn’t them. Nessa is convinced that they are rivals and must constantly train against each other in order to get stronger. Milo sees her as his best friend and will bake her treats for when they meet up. (Also, Kabu is their dad. I’m just stating facts). 

[writingfortoomanyfandoms]

Umbrella Academy Blurb Night

alright so this isn’t going to be a night, I will preface it with that because lets be real, with my lack of wifi currently paired with my chronic pain, it’s going to take me a while to get these written and posted, just full disclosure from the off about that

BUT 

I want to write TUA again so FUCKING BAD now that I’ve finished s2 at last

especially and always for lil ghost boy benny because I know you shouldn’t have favourites but....

so anyway, below are some prompts that you can send in and I’ll write you a lil blurb (I mean y’all kinda already probably know how this works but just in case I guess)

I write for all the Hargreeves children and also I will be writing for Lila as well, though I have yet to actually write anything for her

but anyway! send in some blurbs, as always please be patient and polite with the requests

anything with spoilers for s2 in will be tagged ‘umbrella academy spoilers’ ‘tua spoilers’ ‘tua2 spoilers’ but I am kinda assuming that most people have probably watched it by now, but just to be safe I’ll also put a warning at the top of the blurb

Happy requesting!

“You could end wars with that smile”

“You may be the most adorable person in the world”

“I would’ve had breakfast ready but you were sleeping on my arm and I didn’t want to wake you”

“I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you get hurt”

“I’ve spent all this time wondering and worrying about you. You didn’t think of me once?”

“Please just take a nap”

“Loving me is a death sentence”

“You seem far from okay”

“Talk to me, you can’t take on all of this alone”

“I’m sorry - I didn’t know where else to go”

“It’s one in the morning and it’s raining - I’m not going to turn you away”

“People are staring”

“What did I just walk in on?”

“Your brother/sister is so going to kill me”

“How hard do I have to try to prove to you that I’m actually a decent person?”

“Dance with me”

“It’s just a stupid crush”

“You’re my favourite person” “You hate everyone else” “High praise then”

“He kinda scares me, not gonna lie”

“I really wish you would have told me your family are home”

“Jesus you’re whipped”

“How long have we known each other and you still don’t know my name?”

“Wanna, like - I mean, if you’re not busy... we could get lunch? Or even just coffee if you don’t have a lot of time?”

“Good morning sunshine!”

“Alright, who the fuck drew a dick on my face?”

“That’s not quite how I imagined this going”

You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

“I think that’e enough wine for tonight”

“Why are you watching Strictly reruns at three in the morning?”

“I want you to be happy”

[yaboylevi]

Hi! I love ur blog, especially ur Snk Metas and Ereri metas. What are your thoughts on the whole “Eren has always been like this” (always been evil or capable of great evils like genocide) that a lot of people seem to agree on? I’ve always had a hard time believing in that idea because we’ve been shown multiple times that Eren is capable of sympathy and empathy, so to say he’s ALWAYS been like this is wrong.

Hi! Thank you!!

Looking through my snk 121 tag I found that I have already received similar questions, so I’m gonna link one here if you want the short version of it. Even if it was something I wrote up right after the chapter was out, it’s not like my opinion has changed much... more like, my faith in Isayama writing a decent conclusion and explanation in regards to Eren has plummeted in the past year and a half.

But anyway, now we have some new information pertaining Eren, so I feel like I can add more on this moment and my take on it in light of such new perspective.

Let me preface this with: Eren hates what he’s doing, is despising every second, was scared of his future visions, often paralyzed, desperate to find a better solution than this, because he knows - let me repeat it - HE KNOWS this is horrifying. We had hints throughtout the story, but many have ignored them. For me, Eren going through grief and apologizing for something he hadn’t even done yet in chapters 131 was no shocker at all, but I guess some people may have actually been surprised, I don’t know. It was right there since the Marley arc and his breakdown over Sasha, but many have completely misinterpreted that scene, denying it was desperation that he was feeling, so it was nice to finally have confirmation. Kinda.

However, you know, Isayama doesn’t seem to have picked a side on his characterization of Eren. Or maybe there is still something that’s concealed, because everything we have seen, isn’t evething that has happened, and it doesn’t explain yet some things about Eren and, relevant to this post, why Eren has decided to give up and give in to his future self’s memories of destruction. I’m sorry, but Eren believing “there is no other way, other than killing the whole world’s population, because the future cannot be changed” due to some memories is not gonna cut it, especially because we haven’t seen him fight too hard against it. In my opinion, at least. Or maybe he did, but we haven’t been shown.

The most hopeful part of my heart wishes he is already trying to change things, in a very roundabout and secret way, but the tired and logical part is done hoping. After all, Eren is alternating between being hellbent on going through with rumbling the world, and being absolutely horrified by it. I’ve been getting whiplash every month for a couple of years now.

As for your actual question, and that line during the Paths Time Travel...

Let’s start from here, shall we? That whole conversation with Zeke in Paths was to Zeke what chapter 112 was to Mikasa and Armin, imo. Chapter 121, huh, same numbers...but anyways. I think I have already wrote it somewhere, but I believe Eren lied, and purposely hurt Zeke. To make him, and Mikasa and Armin, realize something and act accordingly, maybe against Eren himself.

In Mikasa’s case, the realization was gradual since then, because Eren’s lies kickstarted it immediately. In Armin’s case, I think we still haven’t seen the full potential of it, though it may come next chapter - and I mean the “You were influenced by Bertolt, an enemy” angle. I am surprised Armin hasn’t followed this reasoning in regards to Eren, who has three titans within him, none of them particularly allied with Paradis. We left Armin seeing Bertolt, who is, in turn, watching him. I wonder if a conversation won’t happen right off the bat in chapter 136.

Anyhow, Eren, in chapter 112, also very much hit Armin and Mikasa where it hurt them the most - which is the same thing he did to Zeke here, bringing up his hate for Grisha and how it was the only think really fuelling him, and went through all the effort of making him reconcile with Grisha. Mmm, sus. Am I the only one feeling it’s sus??? I really have to wonder if he doesn’t kind of want/need Zeke to stop him, just like I believe he did with Armin and Mikasa. After all, there was no need to antagonize them and make them have reasons to stop caring for him, if he didn’t want to be stopped.

So, if it wasn’t already clear, Eren is a big liar, and he’s good at it if you don’t know him (and Zeke, Armin, and Mikasa have proven they don’t know or understand him very well at times). His acting skills have been shown all the way back in the cabin scene when he was 8 years old and tricked those traffickers.

There is another layer to these lies that I’d like to touch upon, though.

The line you were inquiring about feels exactly like his “I am free” in chapter 112. He sounds so sure, but it is a freaking lie.

See how both Armin and Mikasa are confused by such a bold, out-of-the-blue statement, the same way Zeke asks Eren “Since birth?” because, like, what is that all even about?

Eren has been feeling trapped in his own future memories to the point that his freedom of choice even existing anymore has become a big question mark. There is no freedom in following the path you were shown.

Eren’s urge to save someone from “having their freedom solen” by “physically assaulting the perpetrators first” has never, ever meant that he was willing to or okay with sacrificing innocents. Quite the opposite, in fact. There have been whole arcs about that. About Eren freaking out over people dying for him, refusing to sacrifice friends for the bigger picture, grieving for or sympathizing with innocents losing their lives or having them destroyed by some bigger threat. That has not changed.

So the big question remains: Why?

With these outrageous and confident statements about himself, I don’t think Eren is merely lying to his interlocutor to change their perception of him. I think he is lying to himself as well in the meantime. It looks like it did the trick, or not - based on how you want to interpret it. He really has been dissociating hard during his rampage.

But it all depends on what Isayama's angle is with Eren. In 112 Eren seemed to believe his “I am free” statement because he had an instant reaction to Armin challenging it. At the same time, now that we also have chapter 130-131 to enrich our reading, there is no way Eren felt free into the choices he made after hearing Willy’s declaration of war. He saw a terrifying future, he hoped against hope that it would change, but felt powerless and gutted and desperate that all pointed to such a future being unchangeable. So I do wonder if maybe he didn’t end up lying to himself - subconsciously or not - that he is free... and that he is always been this way - a cold-blooded murderer who did it all for justice.

Zoom in on Eren forlornly watching himself as a kid show pure kindess to a girl who just went through the most traumatizing experience in her life.

For the matter, I don’t believe Eren “has always been this way”. I actually don’t believe he’s ever been that way. I don’t know why many(?) people just accept whatever Eren says at face value, ignoring all context surronding it.

As I posted very recently, it doesn’t make sense for Eren to go from one extreme to the other without a better excuse, or explanation, or a more believable writing of it...or a plot twist that I guess I will wait for for another 4 months:

Eren came to realize that outside the walls people are just...well, people. There are good ones everywhere, people who suffered just like him, people who deserve better, certainly don’t deserve to be caught up in the Rumbling, people who have lives, children, moms, loved ones. This is highlighted again in chapter 131, because maybe, when Eren brought it up in the basement with Falco and Reiner, people didn’t think he was being genuine. So Isayama shows us again that Eren truly believed that.

And yet, the chapter before, Eren put those very same people on the same level of Titans when he used to think Titans were scum, a nightmare sent to eat them alive, because he addressed them with “匹”, a derogatory counter when applied to people, because it is usually used for small animals.

The parallel to how he used to feel towards Titans is smacked in our faces, because in Japanese, it’s the same exact line. He now feels that way about people.

...What?

It doesn’t make sense, right?

Because really, the same way Eren’s first impulse in Marley was to save Ramzi when he was being beaten up (and threatened with a worse fate than some bruises), the same way Eren helped him regardless and again went against 3 full-grown men, it’s the same way Eren rushed to Mikasa’s rescue when he didn’t even know her... or the same way he pushed himself into a Titan’s mouth just to save Armin. it doesn’t come from a sentiment of “I need to punish these monsters because they are threatening me”. It comes from a natural, intrinsic need to help and save others. It is deeply saddening that at the end of this journey, with Ramzi, he just feels like this natural predisposition of his is just a fake and turns him into a hypocrite.

So for Eren to say he has always been that way while looking at his 8 years old self stabbing a human trafficker in the chest to save a little girl to try and explain why he’s killing innocent people who happens to be living alongside “the bad guys” is a false equivalence. Either it’s a lie Eren tells himself and to Zeke to make both of them believe this is what Eren is, and has always been, and there is nothing they could do to prevent it - in a sort of twisted liberation from guilt because “if I was always like this, then you and I both shouldn’t have expected anything different”...

...or it’s Isayama’s failed attempt at presenting a theoretical concept he liked and talked about in interviews, suddenly turning Eren into a poster boy for it and canceling previous sides of Eren’s complexity as a character. I would like to believe Isayama hasn’t lost his magic touch this badly, but every day I’m less sure of it.

My opinion, for what is worth, is that that line you quoted is something he said to trick Zeke into detaching himself from Eren and going against him - breaking the bonds of love all around him has been a very deliberate choice Eren has made post time-skip - and at the same time it’s something Eren is trying to believe himself, in a desperate attempt at explaining to his own conscience that he was destined to bring such destruction, that he was always capable of it, and that there is a sort of justice in it where there isn’t. And he knows, deep down. That’s why he dissociates in the end.

In a very twisted, self-deprecating way, Eren is a liar to everyone, himself included. He has become an unreliable narrator about himself. Eren has completely shut down because he cannot stand what he is doing.

And I would very much like to know why he gave up on trying to find a different solution, if that’s what it is that happened, and why he sounds like a different person every other scene he appears in, in the next 4 months.

[swiftiephobe]

thoughts on edit discourse, aka “you all realise this is meant to be fun?”

okay so buckle up swifties because i have some THOUGHTS about the whole edit discourse, the idea of needing to support editors by reblogging their posts and where i think some of you are a bit... misguided in how you approach sharing content on tumblr.com. this is a long post (i have put it under a cut because it is that long) because i am incapable of saying things concisely and i cannot think of another way to get my points across without having them misrepresented. i know a lot of people might ignore this because it’s a long ass essay, and that is valid <3 i just wanna get these thoughts out there. i do appreciate anyone who chooses to read this and try and understand my point of view. i love editors and the content they create. i do not love the idea that people have to run their blogs and engage with content on this website in a very specific way in order to be acceptable to the community.

also this isn’t directed at any one person in particular. the attitudes i am talking about are pervasive in a large portion of the fandom, and i’ve seen them building for quite a while now. i’m happy to have a respectful discussion about many of the points i’ve made here, as i know a lot of you will disagree with them. the purpose of this post isn’t to “attack” people, it’s to provide a different perspective.

i wanna preface this by talking about when i first started posting edits. i don’t do it a lot now mostly because i’m busy and don’t often feel like it but back in 2017/2018 i really got into editing. i remember when i first taught myself how to make gifs in photoshop, and i made my first gifset, and i was so excited to post it because i was so proud of myself for having created something. so i posted it, and then i kept making and posting gifsets. most of them didn’t get many notes, and frankly a lot of them were not very good because i was still learning, but i still posted them because it was nice to have created something. 

one day i posted a gifset and tagged it with some appropriate tags, including tagging some big source blogs. well, one of those big source blogs actually reblogged my gifset! and i was so excited by that. i even went and sent that blog an ask profusely thanking them for reblogging my edit. it’s a bit embarrassing to think about having done that now, but the point is i was so excited to have a blog that i considered “important” reblog my stuff, and of course that led to more notes on the gifset which made me happy. that gifset ended up getting about 150 notes, which still isn’t a lot but it made me happy at the time.

why am i telling this story, you might ask? because i want to put it out there that I GET IT. getting that reblog on that gifset made me, a baby editor, very very happy. ecstatic, even. the fact that i can still remember it now shows how much it meant to me. i was already proud of myself for having created something that i thought was good, but getting that extra bit of external validation to tell me that what i had created was actually good felt special. so i understand why editors want people to reblog their work. it makes us feel good to see that others are enjoying what we’ve made enough to want to share it with others.

so i kept making edits, some of them got a lot of notes while others really didn’t. i continued to learn new things about editing, i played around in photoshop and got excited every time i realised a new thing i could do with one of the tools. some of the edits i made were a lot of work, and i was very proud of them, and i still am very proud of them. a lot of those edits that hold a special place in my heart did not get many notes. one edit that i made (which was a url graphic for another person) took hours and a lot of hard work trying to figure out how to make my idea happen, and i think now it has less than ten notes.

sometimes i look back through my edit tag and i see edits like that one, that i loved making and thought turned out very well, but have relatively very few notes. and honestly? when i look at them, i don’t feel sad about the number of notes they have. sure, i think “well, it would’ve been nice if more people had seen this”, but for the most part i still feel damn proud of myself for having made it. i feel happy looking at them because they remind me of when i was making them and how much i enjoyed the process. 

at the end of the day, editing isn’t something i do as a job, for the sake of meeting a quota or reaching a benchmark of external achievement. it’s a hobby, something i do because i enjoy the process of creating something. i post my edits here so that they can be hosted publicly on my blog, and yes while getting notes is very very nice, it’s not my primary motivation. this year i’ve mostly been making edits for albums that i have enjoyed, some of which have practically no audience on tumblr and so don’t get many notes. and that’s fine. i don’t make them for other people.

which i suppose brings me to a point that i feel like will upset some people, but... the way some of you talk about editing, sometimes it seems like you don’t even enjoy it? i know that’s ridiculous because you all do, and many of you are crazy talented, but when i read people posting about how getting less than 100 notes on an edit makes them want to give up and never post an edit ever again, i frankly have to wonder if you even enjoyed making the edit in the first place, and if not, why did you do it? it just seems like a lot of you have a warped idea that the end goal of making an edit is notes, when in my opinion it really should be for fun. we’re in the taylor swift tumblr fandom. this is meant to be fun, remember? it’s okay to be upset when something you thought was great doesn’t receive as enthusiastic a reception as you were hoping for, but it happens to everyone and it doesn’t mean you, or others, are doing something wrong. if you enjoyed creating something, and you are proud of it, that’s what really matters in the end.

something else i’ve noticed is the extreme policing of how people interact with edits, mostly the notion that you HAVE to reblog edits and anything else is offensive and unacceptable. and sorry, but no. everyone runs their blogs in a different way. some people use their likes as bookmarks for things they want to reblog or queue for later. some people have a specific aesthetic they want to keep for their blog so don’t reblog every single thing, but they still want to acknowledge that they saw your edit and liked it. people have a million reasons why they don’t want to reblog something, and since it is their blog and their space, all of them are valid. 

when you post something to a public social media website, you have to accept that people are going to interact with it in the way that suits them most (this is of course excluding hate or stealing, those are not acceptable). if you are seeing a like on your edit and somehow extrapolating it into some “this isn’t good enough” statement, you are reading way too much into it. if people are liking your edit, it’s because they like your edit. is it nice when people reblog your stuff? yes. but people aren’t obligated to do so.

this also applies to the idea of keeping comments in the tags. i agree that commenting in the tags on edits is proper etiquette, and it’s something i always do. but the absolutely vitriol i have seen directed towards people who comment on their reblogs is not okay. i’ve seen people talk about blocking people who comment on their edits. it’s not nice. if you see someone say “i love this!” about your edit and your first thought isn’t “that’s so nice!” but instead “this person said this in the wrong place so i hate it”, please get your priorities straight.

i think most of the discussion surrounding edits starts off in a good place. it’s good to remind people that reblogging edits is the best way to support them, and that it will make people happy. i think that message has been made clear time and time again, but now it’s turning into something more aggressive. you all say that the fandom is “dying” because people don’t interact with edits (as a side note, edits aren’t the only valid form of content in the fandom. funny text posts, theories, discussions and ask games all contribute to the feeling of the fandom being alive just as much as edits do), but all that these rules you’re trying to implement do is scare people away. people will become more and more afraid to interact with anything, for fear of not interacting enough, not interacting in the right way, or not interacting with the right people. and that, ultimately, will do a lot more harm to the fandom than people liking your edits.

[snarkwrites]

05 | t r o u b l e | greg sanders, csi vegas

Notes:

I meant for this to be more fluffy than intense. That is clearly not what happened, however. True to form, the suspense / ongoing crime Belle witnessed came into play again. There is fluff here though, so hopefully, that’ll make up for it?

I preface with a strong word of caution. I am not a law enforcement professional nor am I a licensed therapist or anything. I’ve never witnessed anything extremely traumatic and everyone’s reaction / way of handling things are worlds apart, so. I’m trying my best. Apologies ahead of time.

If anyone’s interested in what I’m picturing with Vinnie, ( here ) or ( here ) are the best representations.

Warnings:

huge stalker warning, crime mentions (murder), witnessing crime / trauma related to this, use of a mouse as means to convey a threat. The stuff you’d see on the show, basically. I tried to kind of dumb it down and keep it far away from being too graphic because a) I don’t know what I’m doing and b) I don’t want to upset anyone or anything.

If you’re good with watching the actual show, you should be fine. If the above mentioned things bother you, you might want to exercise caution.

Summary:

Belle thought that leaving it behind would make it disappear. But your past always catches up to you and this time, she might just be in over her head. How will it all end?

Pairing:

Sidle!OFC x Greg Sanders

Other Parts:

[ one - two - three pt one - three pt two - four - soundtrack ] 

Other Stuff:

[ faq & tag list doc ]

Tagging:

@chasingeverybreakingwave​ 

@twistnet​ 

                                               FIVE.

The phone ringing had me jumping a little. Nearly throwing it on the ground when I saw that the caller was another unknown number. I only answered because I thought maybe it’d be one of the jobs I put in an application for. As soon as I heard that slow Cajun accent, I knew I was horribly wrong and I felt my blood run cold. I froze in fear. 

“I know ya saw me, chere. And I know all about your little boy toy. The cop?”

I couldn’t say anything, no matter how hard I tried. I knew if I kept him talking, maybe tried to record the conversation, I’d have even more proof it was him behind everything, but I wasn’t fast enough.

He gave a disappointed sigh and I could practically feel him giving me a look of disgust through the phone lines.

“Leave me alone.” I managed to get that much out, but my voice was so shaky. It felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. My hands were shaking so hard I nearly dropped the phone.

“Oh, I’d like to, chere. But see, there’s a problem with that. You’re fucking mine. And I’m the only one who can get ya outta this mess. Just come home, chere. I promise nothin’s gonna happen to ya little boy toy.”

“I’m not coming back.” my tone was flat. I think I was frozen in fear. I didn’t know how to react. I was exhausted from all the shit he’d put me through so far… And the shit he put me through before that night, because thanks to my therapist, I’ve recently come to the realization that Vinnie was slowly cutting me off from friends and family and I hadn’t even realized it. He’d been so smooth, so calculating in his manipulations that I didn’t realize just how horrible a person he really was. But I saw it now.

He chuckled. That dark and angry sound he used to make whenever one of the guys who frequented the club pissed him off. “Chere, have some sense here. You know what I’m capable of now, darlin. I’d hate to have t’ do it to you… Or someone you care about.”

Before I could say anything, the line went dead. I dropped the phone and tried to take a few deep breaths. How the hell did he keep getting my number every single time I changed it? 

Sitting in my sister’s apartment had me filled with tension. I didn’t honestly feel safe anywhere anymore. I hadn’t in a while. I grabbed my jacket and my keys. The gun I’d brought earlier. Something on my windshield caught my eye as I approached my car and I eyed it. Not even sure if I should touch or move it. Not sure I wanted to know what was actually inside the envelope.

After taking a deep breath or two, I reached out and pulled the envelope free. Once I was inside the car with the doors locked and the gun within reach, I tore into the envelope.

A picture fluttered free, settling on the floorboard of my car. When I dumped the contents remaining out onto the passenger seat, I screamed as soon as I saw the dead mouse, jumping back. I wanted to throw up.

Remembering the picture, I bent to pick it up.

And promptly felt all the blood drain from my body when I realized that not only had it been taken inside of my sister’s apartment… It was of me sleeping. There were crudely drawn x’s over my eyes and I felt my stomach churn when I turned it over and caught sight of the familiar scrawl that belonged to my ex.

“Sweet dreams, chere.”

Only this time, him saying it wasn’t a pleasantry. It was a very thinly veiled threat. 

← hey, is it okay if I come by the station?

The three dots appeared and then disappeared, only to appear all over again. I worked on calming myself down right as my phone began to ring.

“Is everything okay?” Greg asked almost as soon as I’d picked up the phone.

“ Vinnie called.” I managed to get it out. Greg swore quietly. The music playing in the background disappeared and I heard a door close behind him. “Did he say anything?”

“Just that he’s apparently seen me with you.” I left out the bigger part of the call, what I’d witnessed that night in the alley. Because I wasn’t sure how much of it I was allowed to tell Greg about, given that I’d already told Detective Brass the night Vinnie tried to run me down. He told me that for now, I might want to keep what I knew as quiet as I could.

And I hated having to do it. But I wanted Vinnie to pay for what he’d done that night.

“What else, Belle?” Greg questioned, using that firm tone on me all over again. The one that makes me want to tell him anything and everything he asks for.

I sighed and took a deep breath. “He’s not happy, obviously. He… A few nights ago… I saw someone down by my car.”

“What? Why haven’t you said anything?” Greg asked in a rush. 

I bit my lip. Paused to collect my thoughts. “Because at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. Then today, after the call, I came down to get in my car. I just.. I had to get out of there, okay? I can’t take it..” I trailed off, going quiet. Taking a few deep breaths before I went any further. “I feel like I’m being watched constantly.”

“Didn’t you change your phone number? What do you mean you feel like you’re being watched?” he asked.

“I did. And somehow, he got the new one.” I answered, lightly pounding my steering wheel in frustration. Never in my life had I wished for a rewind button more than I’ve been doing since that night in the alley behind the bar.

“I just do...” I continued, pausing. Trying to keep calm, keep from bursting into hysterics because right now, all I wanted to do was cry. I was exhausted and scared and I felt like the only way to get through any of this was to do it by myself. I wasn’t going to let anything happen to Sara. ,, Or Greg,” my mind added. I’d rather bear the brunt of whatever was coming because I’d gotten myself into this to begin with.

“Why?” Greg asked. I could hear him pacing. Swearing under his breath. I flinched a little when I heard the noisy clink of metal. “Are you there, Belle?” he asked after a second or two.

“Well, apparently, he’s been inside my sister’s apartment. I found a picture of me sleeping in an envelope on my car just now.” I rubbed my head and leaned it against the wheel. “I’m coming to the station, okay? I’ll tell you everything when I get there.”

“Okay. I’ll go let Brass know you’re incoming. You didn’t touch the envelope a lot, right?”

“No more than I had to.” I glanced over, gagging a little at the sight of the dead mouse on my car seat. After I hung up and calmed down a little, I started the car. My cell phone was ringing but I didn’t bother answering it.

I don’t think I could’ve handled hearing Vinnie’s voice again tonight.

XXX

He spotted her making her way into the station and he made his way over. From where Warrick stood, he chuckled to himself, nudged Nick and nodded in their direction. “What do you make of it, Stokes?”

Nick shrugged. “All I know is that the air is so thick between ‘em it’s hell even breathin. You should’ve been there the day she had to come up and get the spare key Sara and Gil gave him a while back. Whew.” he fanned himself, chuckling. “I think Greggo can handle a lot more than we give him credit for though.”

“Me too, man. I gotta get going.” Warrick said his goodbyes, leaving Nick to stand there, sort of just observing the two as he muttered to himself, “Yeah.. Sara definitely called that one.”

Greg could see the mascara dried on her face before he even got to her. He grumbled to himself, shoving clenched fists into the pocket of his baggy jacket as he came to a stop in front of her. “I talked to Brass. He said to come in whenever you’re ready.”

Belle nodded, taking a few shaky breaths. She held out the envelope she’d found under her windshield and warned Greg quietly, “There’s a… He put a dead mouse in there too.” as she grimaced and paled.

Greg’s brow raised and he eyed her. Belle bit her lip and sighed quietly. “I’ll explain it all soon okay? I didn’t want anyone caught up in this to begin with… It’s bad enough I’m caught up in it. I should’ve been smarter. I should’ve known.”

“Belle, you can’t do everything yourself. And this is not your fault okay? None of it.” Greg tried to reassure her, shaking his head as he gazed down at her in concern.

“I know, it’s just…” she trailed off, fighting back more tears before she looked up at him again. “I’m so fucking tired. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I….” she went quiet on him, taking a few shaky and deep breaths.

Somehow, Greg got the sense that it wasn’t what she wanted to say at all and just the thoughts he’d had  and his suspicions about what might have happened to her so far had him clenching his fists and biting down anger all over again. If they caught this asshole, he was definitely going to make sure he was there for it.

When she leaned against him awkwardly, he slipped his arms around her. Standing there still, letting her pull herself together. After a few seconds, he gazed down at her. “Are you okay now?”

“As good as I’m going to get. I’ll… When I’m done talking to Brass, I’ll come down to your lab. I need to tell you everything. If I can, that is.”

Greg nodded and watched her walking away. Swearing to himself as he took the envelope with the picture and dead mouse inside of it down to Mandy in the fingerprints lab. 

“What’s this?” Mandy put on her gloves and took the envelope from Greg, turning it over in her hands, a brow raised at the lump in the envelope.

“I need you to run that. If any prints come back from Belle Sidle, it’s because she had to touch it to get it off her windshield earlier.. Tell me if any other prints come up, please?”

Mandy eyed him, a hand on her hip. A hint of a smirk on her face as they locked eyes.

“You look pissed.” she mused almost thoughtfully.

“Obviously.” Greg answered, turning to walk back down the hall and into his own lab. Where he sat waiting, watching the door.

XXX

I stopped in the doorway of Greg’s lab. Stepping inside, I closed the door behind me.

And then I proceeded to pace the floor as he sat there, watching me. Before finally giving up and standing in front of me to stop me. Tilting my chin to make me look at him.

“You weren’t supposed to get involved in this. But apparently now you are.” I took a deep breath before sinking down into the desk chair after Greg guided me over to it. After a few seconds of staring at the rips in my jeans, I finally spoke up again.

I started to tell him everything. From how I met Vinnie in the first place when I was dancing in the club, to the last night before I left New Orleans. What I’d seen to make me leave. And when I finished, I gazed at him, waiting on a reaction.

“He didn’t… Hurt you… Right?” he asked the question and waited on me to answer.

I shook my head. “He has a jealous side, though. I never thought it was that bad...seeing us together when we went out to grab food that day set him off. You have to stay away from me, Greg.”

“And that’s exactly what I’m not going to do.” Greg insisted.

I eyed him, a brow raised. “This isn’t going to end well. I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see that night. They make movies about this every single day of the week, Greg. He can’t have a witness to his crime.”

“Now the dead mouse makes sense.” Greg muttered. I raised a brow and he reached over to his desk, picking up a thick book, holding it out to me. I took it and recognized it immediately.

It was a book that  I’d been reading because it was lying around my sister’s place. A history on the mob in Las Vegas. And then I realized that Greg  was actually the one who wrote it. Greg shattered the silence when he went on to explain that in the old days, it was a common threat. Something dead on your porch as a little reminder that loose lips sink tight ships.

I listened, nodding. Speaking up to point something out when he’d finished. “For the record, if he’d have laid a hand on me, I would’ve thrown hands. I may not look like much but I can fight my way out of a paper bag. I learned self defense real quick when Sara got into karate and stuff when we were kids.”

He chuckled quietly, smiling a little. “Yeah, she mentioned you broke a guy’s nose once.”

“Mhm. I can stand up for myself. I just got in over my head this time. Or maybe he was just that good at hiding how sick and twisted he really was… Either way, it’s my fault.” I muttered quietly. 

“Hey, look at me. It’s not your fault.” Greg repeated himself. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t. I was the one who got involved with Vinnie. I was the one who ignored my gut when it came to the guy. It definitely felt like everything I was going through at the moment was my fault. I brought it on myself.

I gazed at Greg while he was distracted for a second or two. If things were different.. ,, if I met him instead of Vinnie, if I’d done any number of things differently,” my mind taunted me and I tried to shove it all down because this was not the time or place to even entertain the thoughts.

I couldn’t even go there right now. I wanted to, very much so.. But I couldn’t. Not when simply knowing me puts anyone who does in danger right now. And the last thing I wanted to do was put Greg in danger. 

“You can’t stay at Sara and Gil’s anymore.” Greg spoke up.

“Nope. I’m guessing that somehow, Vinnie stole the key. That has to be how he’s getting in. What I’m wondering is how the hell he found me to begin with.. How he keeps getting my number.” I muttered quietly.

“You can stay at my apartment.” Greg offered. 

“Greg, no. There are a million good reasons why that’s not a good idea. The first one being that I don’t want to drag anyone in the middle of this.” I argued. I stopped myself short of tacking on that I definitely did not want to drag him into this. Because the implication in that thought was… Too much for me to swallow right now. Especially with all of this going on.

He shook his head. Repeated himself firmly. “You’re staying at my apartment.”

I eyed him. Shaking my head and folding my arms over my chest. “I can get a hotel, Greg. He’s already threatened you okay? Just because he saw you with me.”

“ I’m already involved.” he added in a quieter tone. Holding my gaze steady. “If you get a hotel room, he’ll find you. You’ll be by yourself and in even more danger. That’s not something I’m willing to let happen, okay? You’re staying in my apartment.”

I swallowed hard. There were a million good reasons why saying yes to his offer was not a good idea, and yet, I nodded yes. “ I still think this is a very bad idea. You didn’t even ask to be caught in this bullshit. Vinnie is dangerous. I just wish I’d have known that sooner for myself. Or had the sense to leave the guy alone in the first place...” my voice fell flat and dropped off to a whisper towards the end and I stared down at my hands for a few seconds, trying to get myself pulled together again.

Greg shrugged off the warning. His jaw set firm.

“Brass told me to stick around here until someone gets off.” I muttered quietly. Greg nodded. “I have an hour left in my shift.” he answered, going quiet for a few seconds and then speaking up again. “Everything is going to be okay, Belle.”

And he said it with so much conviction in his tone, with such calm that for a few minutes, I almost dared to hope that might actually be true. Even though deep down, I knew that this could only end badly.

And I found myself beyond worried.

Scared to death. Trying not to show it. 

If you’d asked me a few months ago if I thought Vinnie was actually capable of any of this? My answer would’ve been No. I’d been blissfully unaware of the monster beneath the mask. He’d fooled me so well that these days, I alternated between a state of shock, disgust at myself and complete and total fear.

How had I managed to be so blind?

“Belle.” Greg’s voice shattered through my thoughts and I sighed, looking up at him. “Yeah?”

“They’re going to catch him. He’s going to pay for it. And if you’re sitting there worrying about me, don’t. I can handle myself.”

All I could do was nod and take his word for it. It’s not like I had much else to go on at the moment.

I stepped away and took a few deep breaths before making my call to my sister. I couldn’t take any more risks. But I needed to keep her the hell out of this.

The call went to voicemail and I remembered that it was probably just getting late there and that they were probably a sleep by now. So I left a message for her to call me back when she woke up.

“You called Sara, right?” Greg asked from behind me. I nodded, taking a shaky breath or two. “She can’t come back here til he’s caught, Greg. I… My sister is literally all I have left.” 

“You know she’s going to.”

“I know and that scares the shit out of me. I just hope they catch Vinnie soon. One way or another.” I answered, pacing his lab. Until he stopped me again, nodding to the chair at his desk. I sank down in it, rubbing my temples.

[silver-wield]

So I was reading through your masterlist and saw "cloti healthy disagreement" and for some reason I thought it would be about the argument they had in AC. Was not disappointed on the post, of course, you're amazing as always. But if you have the time, what do you think about their little "lover's quarrel" in the movie?

I gotchu! At last lol

Okay, onto some Advent Children stuff. I'm prefacing this by saying I'm definitely not an expert on this one. I've seen the movie like 3 times.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long and also not about FF7R, but who’s paying attention to this bit?

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Let's mosey!

Recap time!

So, after Cloud finds Tifa in the church and then passes out so they can do a whole yin yang symbolism thing—which I get is supposed to look cool and showcase how they are the other half of each other, but I kinda just wish they'd had them lying together because the way that happened just doesn't make sense.

But, back to the house. When Cloud wakes up it's day time and then when Tifa wakes up it's night. So he has literally stayed by her the entire day, despite the kids being in trouble. Kinda feels like I shouldn't point out how people said Cloud is kid centric in AC where I said he tolerates the ones that aren't his family, but given a choice he'll choose Tifa over everyone, but yeah, I probably shouldn't go on about how Cloud is a bit of a dick to everyone except Tifa lol

“Reno and Rude are out looking.”

Okay, so Tifa wakes up and the first thing that Cloud says to her is Reno and Rude are looking for the kids because he thinks that's the first thing she's gonna ask about. He says this as he's walking around the bed, like he can't bare to stand still and look at her, like he's expecting her to dismiss him.

Since we know from OTWTAS that he thinks he's not good enough for her again and that she shouldn't care, this reaction is expected from him.

“You have geostigma, don't you?”

We don't get to see Cloud's reaction to this because his back is to us, but Tifa's eyes are wide and earnest looking and she's upset. This is inter-shot with clips of Cloud riding his bike towards the Forgotten City because this is what he's thinking about as he's on his way there.

And Cloud even glances back the way he came to further hit home that he's thinking about this talk with Tifa because that's how important it is to him. His gaze skims his right arm, which we know he associates with strength and keeping his promise to protect Tifa.

“You're gonna give up and die, is that it?”

She sounds so heartbroken when she asks this. She looks heartbroken too. When he doesn't reply, she can't look at him and sits up, curling into herself to protect herself from the emotional pain that Cloud's inflicting on her.

“There's no cure.”

Tifa immediately turns back to Cloud to argue that Denzel's still fighting. She's got tears in her eyes and she's trying so hard to be positive.

“Don't run, let's fight it together.”

Tifa turns towards Cloud and we can see from the wider angle that he's got his head down and looks defeated.

“I guess that only works for real families.”

And by real, Tifa means regular ones. Husband, wife, bio kids. Not what they have, which is being not-married, but living together as though they are and raising a kid who isn't theirs biologically and also taking care of their friend's daughter, who also treats them like they’re his kids. Their family is unorthodox and Tifa's questioning whether their odd family isn't worth fighting for because it's not perfect or normal like other people's, and this makes her sad because she was content with her family. She loves Cloud and Marlene and Denzel and never questioned if what they had was a family or not because she thought it was. She wants to know if Cloud thinks so too. He left her. Ok, he had good reasons in his head, but what if one of those reasons is he wasn't happy with his family the way it was?

“Tifa, I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family, not my friends, nobody.”

Half of me wants to shake Cloud, but then the other half is like “oh you poor precious bean you need hugs”

He's clearly in the depths of his depression to the point he thinks he's totally useless. His body language is so low I don't think he could curl himself over anymore than he already is. He can't look Tifa in the eye, and for a guy who does good eye contact with her this is a big deal. Cloud is wallowing in his self-doubt, guilt and sense of failure. He calls her his family, though, so he’s given her an answer that he thinks what they have is a family, which is something.

“Dilly dally, shilly shally.”

I know this is to show how silly Cloud's being, but I hate this line. It sounds so ooc for Tifa. It's definitely more fitting for Aerith later on. Then again, she probably got the words from Aerith at some point in the past, so that could explain why she uses them.

Cloud's head is down until Tifa says this, then he starts to look up and we get a clear view of his eyes for the first time since the scene began. He looks upset, but surprised and confused too. Like “wtf is Tifa talking about?”

And when Tifa repeats the words in a firmer voice, while not looking at him because I'm betting this confrontation is hard for her too, Cloud looks away and tries to figure out what she means by it. And then Reno throws him a bone by telling him because Cloud obviously has lost his Tifa mind reader ability for a while lol

The two images also look like a callback to real vs soldier Cloud, so there’s that too.

“They're at their base: the forgotten city.”

And both Cloud and Tifa look away when they hear where Kadaj is holed up, because Tifa knows it's here that Cloud started slipping into depression and Cloud knows it's a place he doesn't want to go back to because he feels so guilty about Aerith. If he goes, he'll have to confront his guilt and work through it, and that's why during the conversation with Aerith he says he wants to be forgiven in response to her asking why he's there. He made the choice to confront those feelings and not run anymore. He still feels like he doesn't deserve it which is why he says he wants to be forgiven, but later during the chat with Vincent he resolves those feelings and decides to try fighting for what he has in the present instead of being weighed down by the past. It's his friends and family who ultimately help Cloud past this.

“Go.”

Tifa looks at Cloud when he tries to avoid the confrontation with his guilt. She tells him to stop running because she can hear a weak excuse when it's being said and sees what Cloud's been doing now that she's got the full picture. He's scared and feels guilty and like he's not good enough. He got sick and couldn't help himself or anyone and thought everyone would be better off without him. He turned away from their love and support because he loves them and didn't want to make them suffer because of his inadequacies. It's his childhood trait of not being good enough for everyone coming out, and it's one that Tifa resolves again by showing him love and support and telling him he is good enough.

“You need to think about now. Really take it in.”

Tifa is telling Cloud to live in the present and to stop letting the past ruin him. He can't change what happened, but he can make a difference now. If he stops running away.

“Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard.”

I love the shot of her ring here. It's not just drawing attention to the fact she's wearing the equivalent of an engagement/promise/wedding ring and that it matches Cloud's wolf head stuff, so clearly came from him, it's that by showing us this shot of her hand, we're being told that she's giving him some tough love. They're a couple and that means they can have tough conversations. Tifa doesn't like confrontation, but she won't avoid it if it matters. And Cloud matters because he's basically her husband and she loves him.

“Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throwing it away, either.”

Tifa knows Cloud so well that she can say things like he hates being alone and refuses to throw his phone away and to let people in. She's almost begging him at this point. Trying to justify how she wants him to not give up and that they need him just as much as he needs them. She's drawing attention to the front that he's acting like a loner, but picks up his messages.

And Cloud's expression shifts when she says this, too. He's acknowledging the fact she's right.

“Which is it, a memory or us?”

Tifa's saying will Cloud let himself die because of his guilt and everything that's gone wrong or will he choose to live in the present with his family who love him? She’s pretty much crying by this point because she wants him to live.

“But, I let you die.”

And there's the confirmation of Cloud's guilt being the reason for his behaviour. And then Aerith repeats the same line Tifa does, implying that Cloud's being an annoying butt and should move on and forgive himself since no one blames him except himself.

In conclusion

AC Cloud is annoying af and I give massive props to Tifa for loving him even when he's like this. Their conversation is pretty interesting from Tifa's pov, especially when you think how hard it is for her to have a confrontation. She uses body language that's typical for her passive personality trait, but then when it comes down to it, she turns and gives it her all for Cloud. Because that confrontation is for him. It's not because of him that she's doing it. He's not a reason to fight, he's someone for her to fight for.

[homefronttmoved]

♫ / taichihaya c:

send me ♫ and I will make a 5-10 SONG PLAYLIST for our muses!   \   accepting.   @heartfated. 

001.   always i’ll care  /  jeremy zucker. 

okay i’m going to preface this playlist with  THIS SONG.  it’s for that short period of them not talking,  where taichi is just trying to distance himself from chihaya and everything that reminds him of her.  i feel like the lyrics just mirror every single one of those moments while also mirroring those slivers of hope given to us through symbolisms that they will eventually find their way back to each other regardless. 

002.   alright  /  keshi. 

this is the song for their tag and it makes me want to cry every single time.  i feel like this is what chihaya’s side is like after taichi’s confession.  the lyrics just giving us the whole chihaya thinking about them before everything that went down.  her being sad and obviously shattered at the situation before coming to terms with it eventually.  and lastly her being just...  hopeful that he’ll come back to her?   ( with or without you i waited my whole life  /  i can wait a little longer )   and just...  yeah this pretty much sums up the chihaya side of that whole angst arc. 

003.   dreaming alone   /   against the current. 

oh god...  PINING...  THE MUTUAL PINING IS REAL IN THIS ONE.  ignoring the implication that there is someone else in the picture in the song’s context   ( or not,  we both know arata’s a factor here HFKJDHFJDKF ).  this just feels like the mutual pining post confession but also prior to the confession ?   like  is it me that you see when you fall asleep  /  cause you know it’s you  /  i dream about every night   tell me that is not the epitome of their mutual pining.  and the last line????  it will always be you and me  /  so why do we keep dreaming alone ?   THEY’RE ENDGAME. 

004.   why do i still   /   nieman. 

ONE OF MY FAVORITES.  the mutual pining is real in this one too?   but also it dwells more on the friendship and the  fear  of losing that if one makes a wrong step.  it literally says:  i can’t reveal how i really feel  /  cause i’m scared of ruining what we’ve built  taichi’s hesitance to tell chihaya anything ?  while being  LOUD  about it through his actions ?  yep...  this song just...  perfectly mirrors all of that.  and this is taking into account that they have built an empire together with the mizusawa high karuta club...   that’s like a LOT at stake.  i feel like this song just captures a lot of that fear and hesitance. 

005.   tell her you love her  /  echosmith. 

TAICHI THIS IS FOR YOU :DDDD  but mostly for pre-confession taichi.  i don’t think i need to explain this further tbh,  the title speaks for itself. 

006.   lite   /   loop. 

the way this song is so poetic never fails to get me EVERY SINGLE TIME.  taichihaya being each other’s pillars of support is something that i feel like is mirrored in this song ?  especially taichihaya after their short separation after junior high.  i just know that chihaya’s life is completely  BLEAK  without taichi.  the way chihaya dealt with playing karuta alone while searching for people who would share the same interests with her wholeheartedly?  and while chihaya may be  extremely  oblivious regarding social situations in general,  i just know that she feels a little lonely knowing that her friends couldn’t quite take who she is wholly.  everyone she’s met all kind of found the karuta loving part of her weird and that makes her sad and then BAM taichi comes back into her life and suddenly everything is okay again.  because he’s there and suddenly the world is back on its axis. 

007.   a little braver   /   new empire. 

this song made me cry so many times,  ngl.  but the way i see it...  this is sort of an ode for when they finally get together?  when they finally find themselves in the end  —  with chihaya finally being able to stand on her own two feet especially with karuta without being dependent on taichi’s close support   ( she has to come to terms that taichi supporting her from afar while finding himself amongst the mess that is everything post-confession arc is possible and that just because there’s a time where he’s not beside her,  it doesn’t mean that he hates her  or  that he’s stopped being her friend entirely ),  and taichi finally being able to love karuta in a way that’s not centered on chihaya as well as finding something else that motivates and inspires him that is not chihaya or his feelings for her.  because you know...  when all of this happens...  they’re both a little braver and more mature than they have been and they’re ready to start over again. 

[mono-red-menace]

this is how i do therapy now by the way. my therapist moved and i can't find one who helps me have a dialogue nor do i have the willpower to create new relationships with therapists for this purpose. i have to put these somewhere where someone Could see it. but i don't care if anyone reads it or not. i try to content warning them, to not Subject anyone (it can get pretty heavy, sometimes i explicitly describe trauma, i always cw those but people don't always block tags) but i'm not very good at it.

This is me working through my mind, giving it structure, trying to work my way out of it.

i have a lot of issues and i'm working to be more mindful of myself and let myself admit things.

maybe i'll stop having these.

they're not flashbacks are they?

unwanted memories which thrust their way into the front of my head. upsetting me. ok it sounds like ptsd but i guess bc my thoughts aren't vivid i assumed it wasn't. hm.

hate that most of my memories feel foreign, and the ones that don't are Immensely Painful

i've always been bad at understanding people like. with regards to emotional reactions and how to find my way through conversations and.

it's easy when it's about something i know, like when it's about me, or something i enjoy like linguistics or certain fantasy things.

but when it comes to like... manners, mannerisms, reactions, etc. i can... feel empathy and sympathy, but i don't have the brainpower to. process it too much. i focus a lot on how it's best for me to proceed in the conversation, how it's best to show them i'm listening, etc.

people often get mad at me, for seemingly only engaging when it interests me, it's not that..

i dont... know how. to be friends with people.

like. idk i'm thinking about Emma again, she was always so angry at me like "when i was talking about what was going on with me, you didn't have anything to say, just 'oh i'm sorry' and then you would talk about yourself! you only think about yourself!" (paraphrasing imagine if my memory was that good)

but.. i wasn't sure how to explain myself then, i was much less. aware of everything then. i was always in a mild dissociation, so my already bad memory got worse. actually i think i still am, but with more lucidity.

and besides, i get so scared when people are angry at me i turn it on myself. but

i really wish i could explain to her that i was doing all i could thinking about her, all i wanted was to make her happy, and.. i wasn't sure how to get around to that.

my vague sentiments were genuine reassurances, but i'm not good at.. navigating conversations like that. i'm not sure what she needed, but as she seemed to get more upset, i changed my strategy, i tried to do something to be more engaging, which was

put it in perspective of my own experiences, as in... i guess, "i understand that actually, a similar thing happened with me," yk yk but.. i guess it's hard to.. make my intention known. she assumed i was changing the topic to me, but what i really wanted to say, i guess, but wasn't aware enough to, was...

"I understand you're in pain right now. It's a pain I experienced too. But I'm here for you."

it's... harder for me to say that in text. i don't struggle to speak nearly as much as i do in text. (trust me, i still struggle irl)

there's no.. it's harder to discern tone here. when i read things, i read it in a neutral tone unless certain conditions are applied, like emojis, keysmashes, etc. because. it's just hard to pick up tone in text. even neurotypical people say so.

but.. idk that's a little beside the point.

it's.. what she needed was for me to be there for her but i didn't... know how to through text. and. i couldn't be there to hug her and say "it's okay. i'm here for you."

i'm still not sure even if that's exactly what she wanted, hehe...

i just have those unresolved feelings.

i hold no romantic feelings for her anymore. i still love her, she'll always be a part of my heart, but.. with how we hurt each other, there's no romantic love.

it's unresolved in that. i wish we could have. worked through it, like.

"this is what i felt" to each other, exchange that. understand that neither of us intended to hurt each other, but we did, and.

i just want the resolution of letting her know how much i actually cared about Her. and how it got blinded by my trauma and abandonment issues and childishness and. with my attitude it probably felt a lot like i was. not taking it seriously. or.. like i though of her as like, Mine. but.. i just felt like she was someone who understood me and i didn't want to lose her and. my understandings of relationships sucked. and still suck. and my trauma gets in the way. and.

i realise that.. there never were romantic feelings. it.. i just wanted to be friends.

my trauma always. clouds my emotions. if someone compliments me too much, calls me cute, just... sees me as a person... it's hard for me to.. not.

i have Borderline Personality Disorder, and what i'm saying is. I have a habit of placing people who are kind to me on pedestals.

and it gets mistaken, in my heart, as romantic feeling.

and. i'm sorry to her that i hurt her. and i understand she didn't mean to hurt me.

i just... wish we could understand each other and never see each other again.

i guess the resolution i need to have, then. is

i need to realise we already won't see each other again. and I understand her, now. and.

i guess i'm trying to avoid typing it, it's skirting by brain because it doesn't want to show itself because it's a painful thought but

i just.. am stuck on wanting to fix it. i want to fix everything, but i don't know how. and.

it feels like it's my job to fix it, right? like, i hurt her, i should help fix it, but... i don't know how. it's impossible for me to know how, only she can know, and if i tried to fix it, i'd only fuck it up more, right.

this isn't me talking bad about myself.

the two of us didn't mix well. what i'm saying is that, due to our histories, self image, mental illness, disorder, and, now, history, our relationship was always going to be rocky, and trying to force it, to.

fix things, would only make it worse.

and.. i often wish she would help fix the things with me she fucked up... but. the idea of it. upsets me.

Bleghhhhh

i'm using a lot of words to explain myself. typical of me. i can never find my way through these dialogues, they're like mazes. i find a way in and can't work my way out so i give up.

this was good. i needed to realise these things i wouldn't let myself.

1. i cant fix this.

2. she can't fix this.

3. there won't be a resolution.

4.

i'm still holding on to four. i don't want to... admit it to myself. because she cared about me. i keep prefacing it with "probablies" or saying in my head "we can't know that" and trying to convince myself that even if we did there's unpredictability to it.. and...

it's not something i'm ready to admit. but now that i've admitted these things to myself, i'll be able to admit the next thing later :)

[minetteenfers]

Gonna sneak peak you all the first chapter of this novel I’m working on because I’m having too much fun with it. lol

Until I Found You Excerpt:(I don’t think I need to preface this, but it’s an adult romance novel. You’ve been warned. LOL)

Tags: ABO, primalkink, werewolves, werewolf/human romance, contemporary romance, cursing, drinking

Chapter 1: Thaniel

 I sat in my oxblood leather armchair in front of my stone fireplace, swirling my glass of whiskey in my hand.  I always liked to look presentable. I was the Alpha, the top man in my pack and I couldn’t look to be anything but. Not that I really took my title seriously. I didn’t ask to be cursed by a damn vexing woman. She had played me, dragged me in and made me fall until she could put something in my drink. Most of us are here because of some sort of magic. Some corrupted witches that decided to not play fair. Some might call them selkies or sirens, we just call them vexing women. And mine played me hard. 

I knew what my best attributes were and what my worst ones were, but it varied depending on the woman in my bed. One thing I knew for sure, I had a massive primal kink that could strangle a city. Most women found me to be terrifying, but a few were into it. It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t control my urge to growl and pin a bitch to a bed. My urges to run my nose along their neck and take in their scent points behind their earlobes like a starved man that hadn’t partaken in his darkest vice. I craved it, needed it, but I wasn’t down for finding a mate. I enjoyed being alone. I enjoyed not having to worry about someone else. I just wanted to break my damn curse and not have to live this life. But everyone in this lifestyle knew one thing, there was no breaking it. Once a wolf? Always a wolf. You were a part of the pack until the day you were put in the damn ground like some forgotten sad soul. I was trapped. Trapped to become a wolf until the day I died and who knew how fucking long that would take.

 I cleared my throat and focused on the crackling fire. I had been told that I had to find an Omega soon, but I hadn’t come across one that I liked. I had been to many parties, all fancy, but I had never found her. I had never found the right mate, not that I wanted to. Like I said, I lived for being alone and fucking whatever and whoever my heart desired. Fuck the other shit.  

 Daniel Thate, my Beta best friend and right-hand man, had been giving me shit for years about it. It wasn’t like it was my fault that women were scared of me. Most of them that is.

I sighed and a corner of my lips curled up to showcase a fang as I brought my glass of whiskey to my lips, taking a long sip. My fangs ached to sink into a woman’s neck, but I wasn’t in the mood to hunt.

I honestly don’t know what it is about me that is so intimidating. I mean I am a tall man and I have broad shoulders, and maybe I am a bit overly muscular, but I am a good man. A damn fine man if you ask me. But sometimes the outside outweighed the inside. If I’m honest, I’m lonely. I want to settle down and have a few kids. I’m thirty and by now most of my friends have settled down with a couple kids under their belt. And all I have to say for thirty is a lavish home and this damn glass of whiskey that is currently in my hand. God damnit.

“Hey, are you heading to this party with me over at Evie’s?” Daniel barged into the room and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb.

He was slightly less muscular and shorter than I. His medium toned brown hair was pulled back in a high ponytail and his shirt was a crimson red. His black leather pants had crisscrossing leather along the sides of them and his black ankle boots were loose.

“I’m serious, man. You need to come out sometime. Evie has some hot friends. I’m sure you’ll find your Omega there.” Daniel smiled at me with this shit-eating grin that only showcased how hard he was trying to get my ass out there in the playing field with him, even though the damn bastard was taken.  I set my jaw and quietly growled as I brought my whiskey up to finish it. “C’mon man, don’t leave me hanging like last time…”

I sighed and threw my glass into the fire, causing it to flare up and shatter. I lacked all fucks at the moment. If he wanted me to go, fuck it, I’d go. I’d prove him wrong. No woman would really want to settle down with me. Fuck me? Sure. Settle down? Hell no. I was the type you took home to fuck, not bring home to your mother. I brought the black military styled boot that was resting on my thigh to the ground, as I grabbed onto the arms of the chair and pushed myself up to stand.

“Fuck it. You want me to go, I’ll go.” I walked out of the room and heard Daniel follow me out of the room.

“Thaniel. You’re gonna meet the right Omega. I’m telling you. Just give it time.” Daniel continued to follow me and while I loved the little shit, he annoyed me to death.

“I’m just going to humor you.” I sighed and got to my car, unlocking it with the key fob. “What club is it at?”

“Barbed Rose on Eve’s Street.” Daniel climbed into the passenger side and I slammed the car into gear. “You really think that no woman is gonna want that amazing body of yours? How many women you take home on the daily?”

I growled at him. It didn’t matter how many were in my damn bed. Not one single one wanted to fucking stay with my ass. It always ended in the girl leaving because I meant so little other than a quick railing.

“Who’s all going to be there?” I tried to focus on the road and not on my best friend, who was too excited for me to go to some party. I partially wondered if he had planned something for me there to surprise my ass. I hated surprises.

“Oh, ya know… the usual. Evie, Diane, Vix, Jason, Mike, Christian, more. The whole pack and their Chosens.” Daniel shrugged and I nearly slammed his face into the dash when I hit the break.

“Christian?” I hated him, absolutely despised the man. He was the biggest asshole of them all. One of those men that used women and felt they were his property.

“Chill. He won’t be trouble. He gave up on that years ago.” Daniel tried to calm me down, not that he could.

“To hell he won’t be. The man wreaks fucking trouble. Prove me wrong!” I shouted and pulled up to the valet parking at the club. “His ass so much as causes a scene among the human public so help me god.”

“Don’t worry, big shot. Jesus. Evie bought out the damn club. No humans will be within a twenty-mile radius tonight.” Daniel rolled his eyes at me and touched my forearm that wouldn’t stop flexing. The veins pressing against my skin about to bust.

“You better not be lying to me.” I growled through my clenched teeth, showing off my fangs and wolf-like golden eyes.

“Shit you not, man.” Daniel raised his hands in the air and my eyes shifted back to their normal warm brown color.

“I’m trusting you. One fuck up by Christian and I’m out.” I shoved my thumb over my shoulder with a jabbing motion.

That man was the worst Alpha to exist in our pack and I hated him with a fucking passion. The man could roast in fucking flames in the underworld with Hades for all I cared. He was sadistic and cruel. No bone in my body can appreciate a man that doesn’t appreciate a woman. Human or not.

I tossed my key to the valet and walked up to the club, adjusting my black silk button-down shirt’s rolled sleeves. I didn’t know why I had fucking decided to go here. Why did I want to be subjected to this? The bouncer at the front door was a friend of ours and Daniel fist bumped him before entering the joint. I gave the man a quick nod before getting engulfed by loud club music that bumped and vibrated off the walls.

“Sugar, you made it!” Evie ran up to her husband in six-inch heels that had my mind wandering how many surfaces they fucked on with them.

I shook my head and sighed, ignoring how my best friend gathered her up into his arms and made out with her like there was nothing better to do. Like I wasn’t in the damn room. I took my leave and made my way over to the bar, a place that I’d rather be. Drinking always made me feel better and made these parties more bearable.

I had barely gotten my beer in my hand before a hand clapped onto my back. I nearly spilled my drink as I jumped from the interaction with an unknown presence.

“Hey, how ya been, mate?” I recognized Jason’s voice with ease. He was from Australia and had been a resident for a few years now.

“Fine. Don’t you have something better to do than give me small talk?” I lifted my beer to my lips and took a swallow of it.

“Look, mate, I haven’t seen ya in ages. You don’t come out much.” He tapped the bar and ordered a dark lager.

“Not really my thing.” I shrugged and took another sip from my beer. It wasn’t as good as it could have been. I should have ordered something stronger.

“Yeah well, we missed ya.” Jason knocked his beer against mine before walking away.

It wasn’t until I heard a commotion behind me that I really cared about what was going on around me. I had barely even listened to Evie’s speech or to any of the other Omegas that had walked up to me. I was lost in my own thoughts about what I was even doing there. Why I was there. I could be sitting at home playing a game or watching TV.  But one thing I could not ignore was the sounds of a woman struggling behind me. It was then that I knew I was going to get my ass in trouble.

“Let go of me! I’m not some plaything to be had!” A female voice echoed past the crowd of people talking and drinking, filling my ears with her voice alone.

It wasn’t a tone that I wanted to hear tonight. It wasn’t even something I wanted to ever hear. It was a woman in distress and the voice that accompanied it was one that I really, really, hoped wouldn’t be connected to it.

“C’mon, baby girl, let me show you what a real Alpha can do. You don’t know what it’s really like until you been in bed with an Alpha male.”

Changed his old ways my ass. Christian Alpine, the one and only asshole. A man that closely resembled a damn monster rather than a man. He was no Alpha male; he was an abomination. A mistake that deserved to be cursed. He had practically begged for the damn bitch to curse him. No normal, decent human would beg for a vexed woman to curse them.

“I don’t want you. I didn’t even want to come to this damn thing. You dragged me here against my will like you- like you owned me!” The woman struggled and tugged on the chain that was connected to a metal collar around her neck.

I wasn’t having this shit. I could just walk out right now like I had planned. I told my fucking best friend I’d walk if Christian pulled this bullshit again, but he had told me he had changed. Lies! The man was right there, tugging a woman around by a fucking collar and leash against her will. He had defiled a beautiful thing. A collar was meant to be something special. Something that meant commitment in some cases. A sentiment of love and respect. A symbol of something more. Not what he was using it for.

I sniffed the air and one word fell into my mind. Human.

 Two of the songs on the playlist:

[mikeshanlon]

do you like astrology and if you do what signs do you think the losers are

Okay so shoutout @denbrough (mo) for helping me with this, also @stenbranlons (claudia) for nodding alongin our gc, I’m sorry we talked about this for like a week RGLKNRG. To preface,we are in no way astrology experts lmao, we pulled from several differentsources and picked which ones we felt fit best. Which, that being said, we didnot consider any of the canon birthdays for this, just vibes. Ik some peopleare very particular about astrology headcanons LGRNG so these are just our ownopinions, any differing ones are not less valid or whatever. Also, charts arevery complex and have many different factors, like Mercury for communicationand Venus for love, etc, we just decided to do the main three placements. Incase some of y’all don’t know, someone’s Sun sign is essentially their basicidentity and personality, it’s how we act in the world, and our conscious mind.Our moon sign is our emotional self, our unconscious, how we react tothings, our deepest needs. Some astrologists say this is more like our “trueself”. One’s rising or ascendant sign is our social personality, it is howpeople perceive us, and often how we perceive the world and new experiences—it representsthe “outward”. Some refer to it as the mask we wear around others, though thatdoes not mean our rising/ascendant is fake, but rather how we act and thinkwhen interacting with our environment. Anyways because this is me, theseexplanations became super fucking long so I’m sorry about that! This was superfun though, thank you for asking!

Bill:

Leo Sun: Leos are leaders, theyare very charming and pull people in with their loyalty, humor, and confidence.All of the losers love Bill and are very enraptured by him, Leos tend to be inthe spotlight and adored, so I think this is very fitting. They always want tohelp people but sometimes they can also get fixated and arrogant and end up neglectingwhat others need—for instance Bill being so fixated on finding Georgie that hedoesn’t totally realize the other losers are really scared and getting hurt. Still,Leos are very inspiring and fearless and want their people to be happy. Leosare also quite romantic and generous, which I think are traits that can beattributed to Bill.

Cancer Moon: Okay so I have alwayssaid Bill has Big Cancer Energy, but I think it makes most sense as hisemotional self. Cancers are caretaker types; they want the best for theirfriends and do whatever they can to help them. They are persuasive—sometimes tothe point of manipulation. Many Cancers are afraid of rejection/abandonment(hello Bill’s shitty parents and him holding onto the idea of his brother foras long as possible!) Because they are so caring and sensitive towards theirfriends, they can be quite moody—both anger and sadness. (Bill be Crying andpunching his friends sometimes doe!) Cancers like art and are very imaginative(Bill’s art and writing). When I think of Cancers, I think of tender h*rniness.They fall in love very easily and crave a deep love and can be v thirsty attimes lmao, to me that really encapsulates Bill. Cancer Moons are also verydomestic and love comfort, and while I think Bill likes to go on adventures, Ithink he is someone who enjoys a sort of domestic routine with the people heloves from time to time. Cancer also rules the moon so he’s Extra EmotionalLNRGRG.

Aries Rising: Those with Ariesrising are often leaders, lively, generous, warm, and have a reputation ofbeing a troublemaker. They are rash and jump into situations (HELLO BILL KINGOF DUMB IMPULSE DECISIONS). But, they are very engaging and can be greatmotivational speakers (Neibolt speech teas). They want to help friends to thepoint that if they refuse, an Aries rising individual will refuse to acceptthat rejection. Furthermore, sometimes they can come off a bit like arrogantassholes, but they really do care about their friends and just want to helperklgneg. Aries rising people are very emotional and their impulsiveness cansometimes translate into rushing serious relationships.

Mike:

Libra Sun: Libras are very diplomatic;they bring harmony and balance and can see multiple sides. I think this fitsMike very well, for instance during the scene where the losers are by the PaulBunyan statue, Mike understands why Stan is looking at this logically but healso understands Bill’s emotional reaction. He also understands why Bill andBeverly think they should stay together and help, but he also understands whyRichie/Ben/Stan don’t want to keep going. He tries to get everyone to calm thefuck down and cooperate. Libras hate conflict, aside from Mike’s nonviolence(not wanting to kill the sheep and hesitating to hurt Henry until he knew itwas life or death), he also avoided telling all the losers about why he askedthem to return, showing sometimes his aversion to conflict can be a negative. Librasoften get fixated on one thing—the crazy conspiracist Mike of it all… Iunderstand why people think he could be a Taurus because of his commitment tothe losers and staying in Derry for 27 years, but I think that is super tied tothe idea of bringing justice for those who P*nnywise killed and will try to kill,Libras are super into fighting against injustice. Also, Libras are ruled byVenus and love love and are very charming, I think Mike has a certain pull andmagnetism about him.

Taurus Moon: Individuals withtheir moon in Taurus are very warm, affectionate, and sentimental. They like togather all the facts but can be somewhat impressionable, again I think thismakes sense with how he decides that he believes pennywise exists and hisresearch as he stays in Derry. Speaking of, this line from Mo’s book killed me:“when you’re confronted with a problem you look for the most effective way todeal with it, and even if it’s personally painful for you, you get it handled”.Like. Oh my god. They also like creature comforts—often Taurus is linked withluxury but I think in this sense his ‘luxury’ is his kitschy clutter of thingsthat hold sentimental value—supernatural items, knick knacks from his childhood,his favorite books, etc. He holds these dear and this is probably why his homeis a big ol mess but he likes it and finds it cozy. Speaking of, they are veryromantic and want a life of domesticity, which feels very Mike to me! Theyinvest a lot in their friendships, I think this is true of Mike as well seeingas you know.. he sacrifices years of his life so they can be happy.

Capricorn Rising: Those withCapricorn rising can be quite shy with strangers, but once they get to knowpeople, they are very friendly and warm. They are very dedicated to theirgoals, these goals are often to strive for a better life (Mike wanting to savethe people of Derry, Mike wanting to travel, etc). But sometimes this strivingcan make Cap risings feel unfulfilled and they continue to search for somethingmissing. Capricorn rising individuals are smart and concentrated, they are ableto parse through information and plan ahead, though sometimes they go overevery detail too much—Mike is very into research and understanding things andsearches every possibility. They love deeply and are very loyal and protectiveof those they love. They can worry a lot. Mo also added that cap risings are dependent,reliable, and stable. which can be attributed to mike staying in derry allthose years and keeping that promise to call them. Overall he’s very groundedand down to earth with his rising/moon!

Stan:

Virgo Sun: Virgos are veryanalytical and pay attention to the little details. Often times, this leads tothem being very critical of themselves and others, and they are prone toworrying. I think Stan is someone who tries to navigate through life logically,but he can get caught up in the anxieties of everything going wrong and getoverwhelmed. They often like animals and nature (not to be like Stan likesbirds and plants and shit but he does GLKNRG), and value cleanliness, sometimesthis leads to germaphobia or hypochondria especially because Virgos tend toworry (and we know Stan is a germophobe and deals with OCD, he has to clean thebloody bathroom in a certain way, the painting needs to be perfectly straight,etc.). In friendships, Virgos usually play a role of an advisor—they are veryloyal and want to solve problems but sometimes that means they find problems ineverything (I think Stan tries to advise the group but also Bill is like okaylet’s do it like this

Pisces Moon: Some people view Stanas very emotionless or even angry, but I think he’s quite emotional, he justtries to operate with logic first. Pisces moons are often described as ‘dreamy’and want to escape reality (Stan being like it’s summer let’s just forget what’sgoing on and… other stuff lmao). They are very emotional, but those emotionscan be hard for others to read because they are very mysterious, and even hardfor the individual to express. They have a strange sense of humor (kookiekookie lend me your bonessssss). Those with Pisces moon are very sweet andsensitive to others suffering and are drawn to those in crisis often (like.Literally all of the losers LKGNRKRG) and can be overly trusting (I swear Bill!!!).They are also very afraid of the past coming back to haunt them… :(. Mo the ultimate Stan stan also had this to say: ever since claudia tagged one ofmy posts about stan being one of the most emotional losers but no one evertalking about it, i'm constantly thinking about how stan reacts to things. myinitial reaction was scorpio moon, but scorpio moons are really good at hidingtheir emotions. think about stan's reactions to big events in his life: gettingleft alone in the sewers, his bar mitzvah getting mike's call. he has distinctemotional reactions. pisces is also the sign of sorrow and self-undoing, sothinking back to some canon events it just makes a lot of sense to me. piscesmoons are also really selfless when it comes to their friends, but very strictand disciplined when it comes to themselves.

Aquarius Rising: There’s thissection in Mo’s astrology book that just like. So completely encapsulates Stanand how he interacts with the losers imo: “You are often intolerant of otherpeople’s shortcomings and can be wickedly sarcastic and very funny at the sametime. Your razor-sharp powers of observation help you uncover flaws that youcan poke fun at. You are a system of paradoxes. You enjoy being with people butare perfectly content to be alone. You like to travel but love relaxing athome. You are friendly and outgoing but, at other times, moody and reserved.” Like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Also, those with their rising in Aquarius are very idealistic and want theworld to be happy and harmonious (Stan being like its summer can we chill andnot wanting to be part of any conflict). They can also feel impatient towardsthose who don’t share the same vision.

Beverly: (imma be honest Bev was the hardest toplace so don’t judge lerngerg)

AquariusSun: To me, Aquarians are the epitome of like… chill/friendly stonerthat likes to talk about conspiracy theories and injustices of the world whiley’all are seshing but they are also kinda mysterious bc you never really knowwhats going on in their head …. which is v Bev to me RLGKNNKRG. Aquarians lovehanging out with friends and are really good listeners, which I think is trueof Beverly—they also have odd senses of humor. They are humanitarians that liketo fight for justice, I think Bev is someone who wants to fight for those whoare being hurt bc it’s something she has experienced and wants to provide thehelp that she didn’t get. For instance, she’s the one who’s like we need to gosave Mike, and she also wants to help save Derry and agrees with Bill that theyshould keep fighting Pennywise during the big fight after Neibolt. Aquarians canbe quite paradoxical—at times they are shy, other times loud and eccentric, Ithink this makes sense for Bev, another quality is that those with their sun inAquarius like to have some time alone, both of these things make me think ofthe moments she enjoys on her own and the other times she seeks out fun withthe losers and does crazy shit like jump off a cliff LKGNKNRG. They can bekinda bad at emotional expression and are very guarded with their emotions,sometimes coming of cold/bitchy until they know they can trust someone (Bev toBen at first on the stairs elrkgnerg).

Aquarius Moon: okay Mo wrote this explanation and I thot it was perfect so: Moon in Aquarius brings upthe qualities of sensitivity and perception. Since aqua is the sign of rationalthinking and humanitarianism, moon in Aquarius gives a person a clear mindsetand kinder outlook on life. Moon in Aqauarius are rational, intuitive, andimaginative, which i think can speak for a lot of beverly's character traitsand actions like her monologue in it 2017 where she tries to rationally explainwhy pennywise is going after them and how they have to defeat it, whereaseveryone else is struck by fear and emotional, or at the end of it 2019 whereshe tells richie that eddie is dead, and being intuitive enough to know thatshe has to tell him and tell him in a specific way, the imagination quality isa clear call to her artistic vision as a designer. aqua moons have greatvitality, they're witty conversationalists, and all around great friends. ithink that the friendliness and sociability of her aqua moon can be offset byher sag rising so there's more balance and nuance to her characteristics there.they're interested in the unusual, specifically in people, which could link herto vibing so well with the losers club. they can't stand possessive or jealouslovers, but they unconsciously choose people who aren't available to them (herfirst husband). they need a fine line between commitment and independence,which i think speaks to her behavior as a kid. she needs the stability and thespace to grow she didn't have from her dad. they deeply value platonic love. overall,aqua moons are independent, they have stimulating minds, persuasive charms, anda side of their personality that will always gear towards the unusual

SagittariusRising: Sagittarians love hanging out with their friends, but they alsohave the desire to be free and have adventures (I want to run towardssomething, not away! Queen). They are wise but optimistic, again I think thisties with things like her understanding that they all have to stick together tobeat pennywise, but also believing that they have the ability to kill It aswell. They are humorous and can be quite outgoing and confident, there aretimes when Bev is v confident and wild (teasing Ben, jumping off the cliff,initiating the rock war, etc). Sag risings are also v brave—like every single timeshe fights It or the Bowers or her dad or her husband. They’re good at tellingstories. They are also people who fight for the oppressed and want to createideas that help the world.

Ben:

Pisces Sun: Pisces are super friendlyand will do anything to help others even if they don’t get anything back(Ben!!!!!!!! Ben!!!!!!). They are very compassionate and gentle with others, I thinkthis is very true for Ben as he is p much always super sweet and understanding withthe losers. Their compassion can sometimes lead to being way too trusting—this canbe a problem bc they could fall in with bad company and hate being criticizedand sometimes views themselves as a victim. I don’t think Ben ever tries to like…capitalize on being a victim or anything but I think he does feel that waysometimes especially in regards to Bill/Bev, but he understands that’s her owndecision, again being very compassionate and not expecting anything out of hisactions. Sometimes their strong emotions can manifest in negative ways, likebeing scared, sad, and feeling misunderstood—they also can cry p easily (Ben criesquite a bit for his friends like in the sewers and his own romantic feelingsand stuff). They are super romantic and love unconditionally. They are also quiteintuitive, I think this makes sense (in tandem with the romanticism) withthings like kissing Bev to save her, understanding where to look into stuff inregard to the pennywise bullshit, etc.

Taurus Moon: We’ve talked aboutthis a bit with Mike, but I think Ben is also a Taurus Moon! LunarTaureans are very sentimental and have deep, strong emotions. They are vromantic and hang on to their relationships, both platonic and romantic, (thepostcard…….) they want a devoted and committed relationship that providessecurity. Those with their moon in Taurus really invest a lot in their friendships,I think friendship is one of if not the most important thing to Ben so thismakes a lot of sense to me. There’s a line in one of the sites I looked at thatfeels SO Ben to me: “Taurus moon sign energy has two speeds: relaxed andcontented […] or hyped-up and ready to charge”. That totally reminds me of howBen is usually p chill and easy going but when the people he loves arethreatened he goes crazy to protect them (the rock war scream and him going crazyduring that LGKNNRG and fighting pennywise, etc). While Mike’s affinity for luxuryis more like…. Kitschy clutter trash GLNRG, I think Ben’s interest in architecturefeels v luxurious and the importance of a home base makes sense for him. TaurusMoons also like to gather all the facts first—this makes sense in how heapproaches his friendships/relationships but also other things like investigatingDerry.

Libra Rising: Let’s go diplomatic romanticslet’s goooooooooo!!! Libras want harmony and are therefore good mediators, theywant everyone to have a good time and are good at teamwork. I think this makessense for Ben and can especially be seen in scenes like the reunion dinnerwhere he tries to calm everyone down and let Mike be heard. They are persuasivebut often do so with a ‘nice guy’ approach rather than like Charm andConfidence like Leo/Aries. Again, Libra Risings are SUPER romantic and havegood intuition, they usually know when they have a chance with someone and willcreate an ideal vibe for their relationships to bloom. They like to plan aheadfor the future with their loved ones (hello argument scene where he’s like imgonna be 30 and far away from here). They also feel like they need anotherhalf, which i think is true for romance but also just like. He needs hisfriends and really loves/cares about them. Those with their rising in Libraalso really care about home aesthetics and having a balanced space, again I thinkaiding in his architecture career.

Eddie

Sagittarius Sun: Tbh, I was v tornbetween sag and scorpio for Eddie’s sun, but I think Sagittarius best describeshis sun and Scorpio for his emotional self. Sagittarians are curious and fullof energy, and they value freedom (hello let Eddie be free!!!!!!). They can besuper impatient and tactless with some of the things they say, which is a veryEddie thing to me lernrgge. Furthermore, they can get angry pretty quickly aswell, and often talk quickly too (Eddie speaks so fucking fast and snaps easilyat everyone erglknegr). They also have good senses of humor; they like to teaseothers. Those with sun in Sagittarius are dedicated to their friends and arewilling to do anything… like defy their awful mother and crawl through a sewerwith a broken arm to fight a murderous clown. Sometimes they have blind faithin others, which I think could be translated to his relationship with Bill andto a more intense and negative respect, his mother. Sags want to find knowledgeand understand other people’s beliefs, and they are very vocal about their own,even to the point of exaggeration (like every single rant Eddie goes on LMAO).They also like sports which like LET EDDIE RUNNNN. Also, not to be a reddie butin looking at compatibility with the signs Gemini/Sag fit so much better forthem and made a lot of sense to me.

Scorpio Moon: Those with theirmoon in Scorpio are very emotionally intense and can be quite dramatic. Thiscan allow them to be quite perceptive of the emotions of others. However, theyare very good at hiding their own emotions because they often disprove of themand deny that they are motivated by their strong emotions. (hello repressedEddie). This helps Scorpio moons feel in control, but it can be detrimental. Ireally love this line from Mo’s book: “you must learn to let go emotionally andfeel your pain, and through the experience expand your phenomenalability to love”. Yup lover!!!! Scorpio moons are also very determined andpersistent…. fighter eddie!! Lover and fighter eddie!!! This made me kinda sad,but it says that there’s usually sorrow/trouble in the lives of Moon-Scorpiosand those are often tied to family and health… :/ and that they think ofescapist fantasies to cope with that. Scorpio moons are sensual but thestereotype of ~super sexy scorpio~ is kind of misleading. They have huge trustissues and don’t want to be controlled (oop… also they usually get married multipletimes lmao), it takes a lot for them to be trusting in love but when they do it’sa very deep love.

Virgo Rising: Those with theirrising in Virgo are BIG worriers and are super analytical, they often noticetiny details. (Maybe a dumb thing but Eddie is always the first to notice whenone of their friends is gone in the sewers, also in more funny and little wayslike him sniffing Ben’s perfume—that also ties in with his Sag curiosity imo).However, even though they notice details and can be intuitive, they miss out onemotional nuances. Sometimes they can be a little too forward and matter offact with people—I think Eddie speaks before he thinks a lot LKRG and can saysome rude shit sometimes without realizing it. (Ik this is kinda like my own stuffbleeding through but in general I think Eddie can be oblivious to other’semotions LRNGKNLG). They are very critical—often towards themselves, they areinsecure and beat themselves up over just about every little thing they do (SUCHan Eddie thing to me). Furthermore, they are guarded with their emotions untilthey have analyzed the situation and feel comfortable (again. Very Eddie tome). This often means they come off as timid and at times cold/stand-offish,which I think in new situations or times when Eddie’s unsure (aka has not analyzedeverything and feels unsafe whether physically or with his emotions), he tendsto draw in on himself and stay quiet. (But, then, his fire Sag side comes burstingout when he just can’t take it anymore and goes bonkers LKGRNG). Virgo risingsare organized and care about hygiene and cleanliness and are very in tune withtheir body (of course, Eddie’s obsession with cleanliness and hygiene/healthhas a lot to do with his mother’s abuse, but I also think there are some parts withinhim inherently who care about those things, it just got exacerbated in anextremely negative way bc of his mother). Interestingly, Virgo risings are veryenergetic, often with nervous energy, and have a hard time staying still—this feelsvery Eddie to me, his pacing and emphatic hand gestures, etc.

Richie:

Gemini Sun: Geminis are superwitty and funny and love to have a grand ol’ chaotic time with their friends,but then can turn serious suddenly. Oftentimes they feel restless and feel likethey are missing their other half so to speak (the yearning… the emo moments…).They’re very sociable and hate being alone, they love to entertain others, theyare strong communicators. Their love for communication often means they feelthe need to talk A LOT, even to strangers. (Trashmouth Tozier always talking!—Mopointed out that Richie’s talking is so bad that they had to create a separate phase,beep beep, just to be like We Seriously Want You To Shut Up, which I thinkmakes sense for all his placements bc they’re all like. One’s where the person talksso fucking much GRLNRG my annoying king

Gemini Moon: Yup double geminilove this obnoxious legend!!! (jk I like geminis but. It’s true. I am also sayingthis as a gemini moon). A lot of the stuff about his sun can be applicable herebut I’ll add on bc I am incapable of shutting up (the gemini moon of it all…) Thisis from Mo’s book again, I’ll just add some commentary/examples as to why Ithink it fits with Richie: Gemini moons are mutable and erratic. they have anactive mind, and imaginative and creative personality, and are inclined to intellectualpursuits. they have extraordinary quick sensory impressions of the outsideworld and they rapidly sift through info in their minds to make judgements.fast learners, high iqs probably , good critics and have the ability to bothanalyze and verbalize (despite some fanon interpretations, Richie is actually reallysmart, he’s good at math/science, I believe he’s also into politics later in college?).they have great charm. conversations with gemini moons tend to go off onunexpected tangents and take sudden turns and reverse (This feels SO Richie tome lekrnglenr). at heart, a lunar gemini is essentially restless and needsconstant stim (Makes sense for Richie for me, also with his ADHD, he needs tobe playing video games or reading a comic or doing this and that, he hatedhaving to be look out and do nothing for like an hour ergklnerg). lunargemini's are always mentally assessing their feelings. they tend to dissecttheir feelings and emotions to analyze why they think or behave in a certainway. they're quick witted and vibrant and can change their minds often. inemotional relationships they display a free spirit, going on the whims of theother person's emotions. at times their talent can be isolated because theylose interest in this quickly and drop their projects. they perform well whenin a relationship with someone practical and hardheaded (inch resting……..)

Pisces Rising: Taking some morestuff from Mo’s book, these lines I think really resonate with Richie’s outwardself and how he deals with the world: “You want life to be perfect and since itisn’t, you choose not to see what you don’t want to see”. That is SUCH a Richiething to me. “At parties Rising-Pisceans are vivacious and verbal (sometimesyou talk too much); you enjoy performing in front of a group. A talent formimicry makes many Pisces Ascendants turn to theater”. Literally Richie… the Voices,the talking too much and wanting to entertain the losers…. Those with Piscesrising are also very romantic and want to live a fantasy life, but they can bevery sad and moody especially because they feel like they are destined to bealone. (Richie yearning gay….) They are also quite disorganized but work wellin groups (let’s go loserssss clubbbbbb!!!).

[juju-on-that-yeet]

Imperfect and Human Are We

Prompt: Whumptober Day 30, Recovery

Summary: MarkBop struggles with the temporary loss of his voice after the events of "Choke," and in a manner of speaking, so does Cameraman Jim after the events of "Silenced." Maybe Bop is just the person to help CJ start healing.

Warnings: Injury recovery, self-worth issues

Tagging: @peribloke @tired-eldritchhorror (ask to be tagged!)

Read on AO3 (Full Whumptober Series)

Enjoy!

~

MarkBop hates this.

One week ago, Bing brought him into Dr. Iplier’s clinic after he’d been strangled by a mugger. Apparently there’s nothing surgically that Dr. Iplier can do, and Bop just has to wait for his throat to heal on its own.

And that means no talking.

Not that he can, anyway. He’d lost his voice moments after he woke up from nearly suffocating to death and hasn’t yet gotten it back. Even if it comes back tomorrow, Dr. Iplier won’t let him talk until his throat is good and healed again.

It’s not that Bop is so upset about not talking. He knows a little bit of sign language, and Oliver gave him a notepad he snagged from the control room so Bop can write out more complicated sentences. He can still communicate with Bing and Oliver, still let Dr. Iplier know how he’s feeling.

But he hates not being able to sing.

Singing is what he was made to do. He was created to be a singer, and so he is. He listens to music nearly every waking moment, devouring albums like they’re candy and then listening to them again, over and over, until he knows every note. He only ever pauses the endless music to hum to himself, to tap the counter he’s sitting at, to draw out the earworm in his head by singing it. He’ll stay up all night, singing and recording until his throat hurts, and in the early hours of the morning he’ll crawl into bed with Bing and whisper love songs to his sleeping form until he falls asleep himself. If he can’t sing, then what else is there?

What else is there?

“What if I forget?” Bop writes on his notepad for Bing one day, too anxious to think through signing it. “What if I spend so long not singing I just…forget how?”

“You won’t forget, babe,” Bing reassures him, kissing him gently, “There’s no way you could forget how to sing. When your voice comes back it’ll be just like it was before.”

Bop wants to believe him, he knows Bing is right. Dr. Iplier has explained as much to Bop a few times already, reminding him that he’s a figment, and he can heal from anything. Reminding him that he was made to sing, and he could never lose that about himself. But Bop is afraid that every day he goes without singing is a day he loses muscle memory, breath control, skill. He might still be able to sing, but he’ll be out of practice and worse for it, won’t he? He fears gearing up to sing for the first time when his throat heals only for his voice to screech, to wobble when he wills it to be steady, to crack on high notes or fail on low notes.

But, even with all that anxiety in his head…he knows it could be worse.

Lightning apparently strikes twice at Ego Inc. because just a few days ago, Cameraman Jim was brought into the clinic with bruises, a black eye, and a crushed hand. Bop wasn’t there when he was admitted, but to hear Bim tell it, it was horrific. Poor CJ endured surgery on his hand to set the bones and remove the fragments that were too small to realign. His hand is bandaged, casted, immobile, leaving him with only one hand to sign with. Bop’s seen him after his surgery a couple times now during his daily check-ins with Dr. Iplier. Both times, Reporter Jim was there too, sitting on CJ’s bed with him and pressing his forehead to CJ’s, not speaking, just staying close.

Bop knows CJ’s left the clinic by now, probably healing the same way Bop is: One day at a time, hoping, wondering, fearing.

It’s confirmed when RJ approaches him one day, out of the blue.

“Music Jim?” he asks, “Can I, um, ask you for something?”

“Sure,” Bop signs, “What’s wrong?” RJ seems nervous, uncertain, to the point where Bop could’ve mistaken him for CJ had he not, well, spoke. The twins are practically impossible to tell apart without their differing personalities.

“It’s about CJ,” RJ says, “I mean, I know he got hurt and he has to get better, but…” He sighs, fidgeting. “But what happened really messed him up. More than his hand and his eye. He just…he won’t communicate at all. Not with me or Bim Jim or Doctor Jim or any Jim!” He hugs himself. “He could still sign okay with only one hand, and he could shake his head or nod or point to things, and I’ve tried to make him feel safe enough to speak but just…nothing works. He won’t do anything. I know he’s upset but I don’t – well, I mean, I kinda do know why he’s so upset.”

“Why?” Bop asks. He’s sort of forgotten that RJ prefaced this by asking for Bop’s help. He’s worried now, and curious, because he didn’t hear much about what happened to CJ, but what he did hear wasn’t good.

“Because the guys who hurt him…they…” RJ’s voice gets quiet. “When I scared them off, one of them called CJ the r-word, and I think…I think they said a lot of bad stuff to him while they were beating him up.” RJ sniffles. “And I think that’s why they broke his hand, because he was probably signing to them, and they must not’ve…not’ve liked it.”

Bop doesn’t know enough sign to convey how horrified he is by that knowledge. It must show on his face, because RJ nods in acknowledgement.

“It’s not the first time people have been rude to him,” RJ continues, “But no one’s ever been so cruel, and it’s never…” He whimpers. “It’s never happened when I wasn’t there.”

Bop fumbles with his notepad to write It wasn’t your fault as fast as he can manage. RJ sighs when he reads it.

“I know that, I guess,” he mumbles. “Bim Jim keeps telling me that. And he’s right, and you’re right, I just…I’d feel better if I could get CJ to communicate with me.” He brightens a little as he looks at Bop. “That’s why I came to you.”

What can I do?? Bop writes, hoping his face conveys his confusion accurately. It must, because RJ actually smiles a little.

“Well, what happened to you was a little similar, right?” RJ asks. “I mean, it was some cruel human who hurt you, and you got hurt somewhere important to you. I was thinking you could relate to him, and maybe help him out of this.”

Bop considers. It stings a little to be reminded of the reason for the notepad he’s writing on, but he knows RJ doesn’t mean anything by it. And maybe RJ has a point. Maybe CJ feels like Bop does: Gutted, purposeless, drifting, begging for the future and fearing it in the same breath. From what apparently happened to him, it wouldn’t be surprising. And Bop likes the Jims; they’re weird and goofy but sweet, and they keep asking to report on Bop’s latest covers and song releases, even though Bop is far too nervous to go on camera. If he really can help CJ, he wants to at least try.

“Okay,” Bop signs, and RJ immediately lights up.

“Thank you, thank you, Music Jim!!” he exclaims. He hugs Bop, a gangly long-limbed hug that’s tighter than Bop would’ve expected, before jumping back to bounce with excitement. “CJ’s in Bim Jim’s greenhouse!”

Bop nods and can’t help giving RJ a pat on the head before he goes.

Bop’s been to the greenhouse himself a few times, and he’s not surprised that CJ’s there. It’s a beautiful space, full of green and growth and light shimmering in from…somewhere. The greenhouse isn’t on the roof or even the top floor, yet natural light streams in through the ceiling anyway. Bop always shrugs it off as one of Ego Inc.’s weird-yet-convenient magical quirks. When he steps inside, the place is as bright as ever, the plants are glittering with water drops. The room is misty and humid, but it doesn’t take long to find CJ. He’s looking at a huge bundle of violet chrysanthemums. His hair is damp, there’s a plastic bag beaded with water over the cast on his hand. He’s probably been in here for a while.

Bop approaches him, making like he’s looking at the chrysanthemums, too. CJ’s eyes flick to him, but he says nothing and continues to stare at the flowers. He doesn’t smile. There’s bags under his eyes. Bop’s heart aches to see how bad he looks. He takes a deep breath and turns to CJ, catching his attention.

“Hey, CJ,” he signs. “How are you doing?”

CJ looks at him but doesn’t respond. Not a nod, a head shake, a furtive glance, nothing. No wonder RJ was so upset, if this how CJ’s been acting. Bop takes out his notepad.

I’m guessing you’re not doing great, Bop writes, showing CJ the notepad after. CJ makes the slightest sound, a huff of breath out his nose, as if to say yeah, obviously. But it’s something, at least. Bop smiles, a little sheepish but happy for a response.

Yeah, I know, but I heard about what happened to you. Bop cringes as he writes, remembering what RJ told him, comparing it to the cast on CJ’s hand and the thin, yellowed ring still around his eye. I’m sorry. That sounds horrible.

CJ frowns, lips pursing like he’s holding back a reaction. He seems like he wants to look away but doesn’t want to be rude.

The moment stretches long and uncomfortable. But Bop keeps looking at CJ, and CJ keeps looking at Bop. Maybe CJ is tired of staying silent and closed-off, or maybe Bop came at the right time, or maybe Bop somehow said the right things. But CJ lifts his good hand, hesitant.

“You got hurt, too,” he signs, “How is it not being able to talk?”

Fortunately, Bop can read sign better than he can use it, and CJ’s questions rings loud and clear.

It really sucks, Bop admits. I’m still afraid I won’t be able to sing right when my voice comes back, even though everyone tells me not to be.

CJ nods, considering, before raising his hand again. He lowers it, biting his lip. He finally raises his hand and replies, still apprehensive, but once he starts he can’t seem to stop.

“Why can’t I just talk like normal people?” he asks, fingers shaking, “You can’t talk because you’re hurt. I don’t have any excuse. My voice box works but I can’t use it. RJ keeps telling me that those guys who hurt me were wrong, that I’m not stupid or weird because I can’t talk. And I know if I asked him why I can’t be normal he’d say I’m fine how I am or that I’m normal for me or something, but I just…” His hand pauses in the air for a moment. What Bop thought were misty droplets on his cheeks might actually be tears. “I don’t want to hear that. I just hate that I’m not normal. I hate that I need my hands to talk and one of them is broken. I hate how I feel broken.”

Bop feels his eyes tear up. He stares at his notepad, unsure of how to respond for a long moment.

I feel pretty broken right now, too, Bop finally begins, Being silent sucks. It feels so hard to get a word in sometimes, it makes me feel like I’m disconnected from people. This house is so loud, everyone’s so loud, and I love it, but I love it less when I can’t be loud, too. It’s like it swallows me up.

CJ’s eyes are wide and glittering as he reads, like Bop is speaking to his deepest thoughts. Maybe he is, for all Bop knows. Bop smiles gently as he continues writing.

But it’s not all bad, he continues, I feel like I’m better at listening lately. Not that I was bad before, but it comes easier now. It’s easier to focus because I’m not talking or singing to myself all the time. And I know, really know, who my friends are. The ones who look to me in the conversation and give me a chance to communicate. It’s hard to talk with people, but not with Bing and Oliver. They don’t talk over me or through me, they still keep me in the rhythm. I think there’s a lot of good in being quiet, as long as you have people you can still make yourself heard around.

CJ whimpers, wipes his eyes with his good hand before replying.

“I wish I could talk. All the time.”

Maybe you will one day, Bop writes, You’re still young compared to most of us. Maybe you’ll get enough confidence to talk all the time. But even if you don’t, you’ll still have all your other ways of talking and interacting with the world that people like me don’t, that we don’t even know about. I’m gonna go back to talking all the time and be a worse listener and bad at focusing again, but not you. He grins. You’ll still have all this cool stuff going on. It’s hard not being normal, but it’s fun, too. Plus, being normal is hard sometimes, too. Being a person can be hard. We’re all just people. We’re all weird here, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

CJ nods. He still looks sad, but he seems to be gathering himself.

“Maybe part of it is that I can’t film right now,” he admits, fingers slow. “With my hand like this, I can’t even hold a camera. I already tried shooting one-handed with my smaller cameras but I just can’t do it. I wouldn’t feel so bad if I could just…just…”

Do what you were made to do? Bop writes. He shows it to CJ, sees him duck his head with the slightest embarrassed smile, before he continues. I get that. It’s really hard. But I’m sure Doc’s told you that your hand will heal completely and eventually it’ll be like it never happened. That’s what he told me about my throat. He sighs. It’s hard to believe, but we have to trust him. He knows what he’s talking about. We just have to get through this. I think it’d be easier for you to get through this if you actually tried to communicate with people a little. He lightly, playfully shoulder-checks CJ, who’s come to stand beside him to read what he’s writing. CJ smiles again, a little bit broader.

“Yeah,” CJ signs. He looks away from Bop, back to the chrysanthemums. “I’m not really used to not being able to share an experience with RJ. He doesn’t know how I feel right now, he doesn’t know what I’m thinking, when he usually…just does. It sounds weird in words, but I like not having to worry about that. I like that he knows me so well. But he doesn’t know what I’m going through now, he wasn’t there when I got hurt, and he can’t…figure out all this stuff.”

So tell him!! Bop writes, animated, and CJ actually giggles when he reads it. He’s your brother, he loves you, he just wants to help you be okay. He’s the reason I came to talk to you in the first place. Bop grins. Maybe he knows what you’re feeling right now better than you think.

CJ nods. He smiles at Bop, a full, sunny smile, and his eyes sparkle. He hugs Bop, not as tight as RJ did but just as haphazard. This time, Bop has enough time to hug back. For a long moment, all is quiet, quiet without the internal noise of communication, only the dripping of water throughout the greenhouse and the hum of the fans. The sun somehow shines through the ceiling onto the pair, dappling the floor around them, and the flowers are as bright as ever, those purple chrysanthemums standing proud.

“Thanks,” whispers CJ, so quiet that Bop almost doesn’t hear it.

Bop’s jaw drops and his heart swells. CJ’s never spoken to him before. Excitement courses through him but he’s determined not to ruin the moment. He only hugs CJ tighter in response. When they finally pull away, they smile at each other, each elated but a little awkward. They don’t sign or write anything more, and nothing more is needed. CJ only waves goodbye, still smiling, before practically bouncing out of the greenhouse, no doubt to find RJ. Bop waves after him and sighs to himself, happier than he’s been since he got hurt in the first place.

He lingers in the greenhouse for a while in front of those purple chrysanthemums, just enjoying the moment.

[krsnlove]

Rainy Confessions

A/N: My first Efan Ramsey fic 👀. Don’t judge me. I like Bryce and Efan 😬. My take on the infamous doctor. I haven’t played the book with him as a LI so please be gentle haha

Pairing: Ethan x Casey

Tagging: @alj4890 @cora-nova @darley1101 @vickypoochoices don’t hate me! Lol I still adore Bryce! Haha

Casey took in Ethan’s relaxed smile, one she seldom saw at work, from across the table. Surprising him with dinner reservations was a brilliant idea she thought to herself. It took some convincing but she was able to pull him away from the hospital tonight.

“Ready?,” Ethan asked. Casey nodded her head and they both stood from their table. “Dinner was lovely Casey. If I would’ve known you had this kind of money I would’ve asked you out sooner,” he said as he escorted her out of the high end restaurant. Casey chuckled to herself before lightly elbowing his side.

“Very funny. Enjoy this opportunity. I don’t spend my money on just anyone, Ramsey.”

As they reached the exit doors a burst of thunder echoed through the crowded place, rendering the popular restaurant silent for a moment before continuing its busy evening. It wasn’t long before streaks of lightning brightened the darkened skyline. It was the perfect preface to the pouring rain that soon followed.

The maitre’d graciously offered Ethan an umbrella in a nearby bin. “If you two wouldn’t mind waiting, I can make sure a cab will be out there waiting so you won’t get too wet,” she said with concern. Before Casey had the opportunity to accept her offer, Ethan’s voice surprised both women.

“That won’t be necessary, thank you. But may I pay for this umbrella instead?,” Ethan didn’t wait for an answer before effortlessly slipping the maitre’d a crisp twenty dollar bill. He flashes her a smile before escorting Casey out to the rain.

“I didn’t peg you the type to walk in the rain,” she pointed out.

“And what type is that, rookie?”

Casey’s mind searched for an answer that would outwit him. The past months have proven how much she enjoys their banter. Ethan never missed the opportunity to call her out on some of the things she said or did, often accompanied with a teasing smile. And she happily reciprocated the act, sometimes catching him off guard.

“If you’re through trying to find a witty remark, we can be on our way,” he tells her with a smirk as he pulls the umbrella open. Casey’s eyes widen at being caught before closing her gaped mouth, biting back her retort. Damn him.

She looped her arm through Ethan’s and began to walk the drenched sidewalks. Casey allowed a few minutes to pass by in silence as she reflected on the past several months. It’s given her the opportunity to learn small pieces of information about him. His likes and dislikes. How he liked his coffee. His nightly routine. What brand of detergent he used. Even the fact that he refilled the trash bin with a bag before taking it out thrilled her. They were all frivolous facts really but Casey found herself wanting, needing, to know all the important and useless tidbits when it came to Ethan.

After all, she is in love with him.

But being in love with someone like Ethan Ramsey and actually saying the words to him were two very different subjects. Sure, she could tell him but then what? She didn’t want him to feel obligated to return the sentiment. And if her past taught her anything, being the first to say it made people vulnerable. And Casey despised that feeling above all. But the need to shout from the rooftops of the tallest buildings of her love for him was becoming increasingly difficult.

“Six months Casey,” she can hear Jackie’s tired speech in her mind, “you’ve been dating the man for half a year and neither of you have said the words yet! You practically live together!” And Jackie’s last sentence to finish up always set her on edge: “Make sure you’re not wasting your time.”

Ethan wasn’t the type to waste his time let alone someone else’s. It was difficult for Casey to imagine a man like Ethan saying and doing the things he did for her and not feel something. She was pretty sure he felt the same way. Or at least close to the L-word. Wasn’t that good enough?

“Something on your mind?,” Ethan’s question breaks her concentration, making her realize she has been silent longer than she anticipated. The constant outpour of rain was now a light drizzle much to her delight. Casey took in her surroundings, feeling a bit embarrassed to be so caught up in her own thoughts, she didn’t notice they were now strolling through the park. Surprisingly, the area is well lit with a lamp post every couple of feet and the moon providing light despite some clouds in the sky.

“Casey?,” Ethan stops in his tracks and looks to her. She shakes her head, fighting herself between telling him how she felt or not. A talk about her feelings was definitely not on the agenda tonight.

“Nothing. Just happy I was able to get you away from the hospital for a bit. You work too much,” she finally answered. Ethan smiled at her words and Casey felt like her legs would give out from beneath her.

His smile had that kind of effect on her.

“I assure you I don’t work enough,” he said as his brows furrowed in concentration at her, “and as long as people keep getting sick, there will always be work that needs to be done.”

She nodded her head in understanding knowing how much truth his words held. The line of work they were in was not for the weak-hearted. Some days it felt like Casey wasn’t doing enough and it broke her spirit. But Ethan was always there, always reminding her how much good they were doing.

Casey looked into his eyes. “The people who come in, they’re lucky to have someone like you in charge of their well-being.” Her hands slide behind his head. “I’m glad they have you. For a moment they get to see what I see everyday. The kind, gentle, thoughtful, incredibly sarcastic,” Ethan let out an involuntary laugh at that quality, “brilliant, stubborn—,”

“This started out great but now you’re just bragging,” Ethan cut her off as he folded his arms across his chest. Casey chuckled and shook her head.

“What I’m trying to say is you’re more than just a doctor Ethan. You’re much more than the man in the white lab coat and I love you for that.”

“...You what?”, his head whipped up and his blue eyes bore into hers.

Casey’s eyes widened at her slip-up. She nervously took in Ethan’s shocked expression. Any minute now he was either going to run off and leave her standing there like the idiot she is or quickly say the words out of politeness and then eventually quit his job and move out of the country without even telling her. She remembered Elijah refer to it as “ghosting” someone.

“Casey….did you….you love me?,” he asked with a shaky voice.

She breathed in a deep sigh and looked away from him. This isn’t how she envisioned this moment she thought to herself as she felt her eyes begin to sting with tears.

Her throat felt dry and her tongue felt heavy. There seemed to be a disconnect between her brain and mouth because Casey desperately wanted to break the silence but couldn’t. If there was any hope of not scaring away Ethan, each second that passed without a spoken word between them increased those odds.

“I...I…,” she was finally able to form a word. “I….I….,” apparently this was it.

Suddenly Ethan’s strong hands cup her face, forcing Casey to look him in the eyes.

“I love you too,” he whispered before closing the distance between them. The sudden revelation catches her off guard but is quickly forgotten as Ethan’s lips conform to hers. She can hear the umbrella drop to the ground, forgotten, as Ethan pulled her in closer.

His tongue pushed her mouth open as he invited himself in. Ethan’s lips emitted a moan when she brushed his lips with her own tongue, savoring the sweet taste from the dessert they shared earlier. The flicker of his tongue on her upper lip gave her goosebumps and she happily surrendered herself to this kiss.

“Are you going to leave the country now and never call me again?,” she whispered into his mouth when they both pulled back from each other for some air. The side of Ethan’s mouth curved upwards into a mocking smile.

“Not anytime soon, Rookie.”

[lilaswordsandthings]

That’s What Friends are For Chapter 4: In Too Deep

A/N: Sorry this one took so long, I’ve been getting more hours at work and hitting serious writer’s block with chapter 5 but that is coming as well. I am going to preface this chapter by saying that there will be references to rape and non-consensual sex from this chapter onward. You have been warned. Tagging all the usual suspects: @illegalcerebral @reid-effect @dontshootmespence @stunudo @ultrarebelheart  

Chapter 4: In Too Deep

 Seeing Spence with Becca’s daughter reminded JJ of the day almost six years earlier when he’d admitted to her that he wanted children. In order to give them a little bit of privacy, she stepped out of the room and called Garcia.

 “Hey, how’s Reid doing?”

 JJ honestly didn’t know how to answer that at the moment. “It’s a lot to deal with. He just lost a friend and gained a child all in one day, but he’ll be alright, we just need to be there for him. Speaking of which, did digging a little deeper into the past few years of Rebecca’s life reveal anything?” She asked.

 “Yes. As you know, because of all the cash withdrawals her finances didn’t tell me a whole lot, but I did figure out what her new apartment building had that her old one didn’t.”

 “Which was?”

 “A bus stop. She didn’t have a car, but she did have a bus pass, and there was a stop literally less than twenty feet from her front door. I can also confirm that she used her pass to take the bus from the stop outside her apartment to the church where she left the baby on the night that she died. In fact, the records of where and when that bus pass was used have actually revealed a lot. She also went to the local courthouse. I was originally looking into that because I was wondering if she had ever filed a restraining order against anyone, and indeed she did. A little over nine months ago she filed a restraining order against one Peter Bailman.”

 “Ex-Boyfriend?” JJ asked.

 “I’m not sure but I doubt it, Mr. Bailman has a bunch of citations for bar fights, petty theft, sexual harassment charges, and she’s not the first woman to file a restraining order against this sleazeball.”

 “Wow, yeah, the way Reid talks about her I doubt she’d date someone like that. Hey, there’s actually one more thing we need to know Garcia.”

 “Name it.”

 “We need to know if Rebecca ever notarized a will. We still don’t know how she died, but the letter she left with the baby suggests that she knew she was dying so it’s possible that had time to make some formal arrangements before that happened. The baby’s case manager thinks it would help speed up the process of Reid being granted guardianship if Rebecca made her wishes clear in a will of some kind.”

 “That might take me a minute since she wouldn’t need to see a judge to do that, but I’ll get back to you,” Garcia replied, and the call ended.

 Spencer came out of Ms. Frankfort’s office a few minutes later, looking like a child whose puppy had just been hit by a car. Even after fifteen minutes, he was clearly already attached.

 “Was that Garcia?” He asked.

 “Yeah, she dug a little deeper into Rebecca’s life like we asked her to.

 “And?”

 “Does the name Peter Bailman ring a bell?”

 “Yeah. He lived in our neighborhood growing up, why?”

 “Garcia found a restraining order that Rebecca filed against him about nine months ago. Spence, is there any chance at all that he’s the father?”

 Reid shook his head ‘no’ before JJ even finished asking. “There’s no way. Rebecca hated him. We both did. He was older than us, I actually graduated with him, and when he wasn’t beating me up for the fun of it he was harassing her. Whenever Becca talked about him, which wasn’t much, she’d call him a ‘prick’. Believe me, there’s a higher probability of an asteroid with a surface area the size of Texas hitting the earth in the next five minutes than Rebecca sleeping with Peter Bailman.”

 “Well, something must’ve happened between them around that time for her to take out that restraining order. I think we need to talk to her friends at the university.” JJ suggested.

 “Let’s go.”

 As soon as they arrived on campus, they went to talk to the Dean of the Art Department, who told them that Becca’s closest friend from work had been a woman named Amanda Chambers, who also taught the graphic design classes and they were most likely to find her eating lunch in her office.

 When they got there, they found Professor Chambers sitting on top of her desk spooning what looked like chocolate pudding from a plastic cup into her mouth. She was tiny, skinny and shorter than JJ with long blonde hair and large hazel eyes. When she saw them waiting outside her door she hopped off her desk to let them in.

 “Hello?” She asked.

 “Hi, I’m Spencer, this is my friend JJ, we would like to talk to you about Becca Thompson.” He explained.

 “You knew her too,” She observed. “Most people who didn’t know her usually used her full name. She’d answer to it but once you knew her it was Becca.”

 “I know, I’ve known her since we were kids.” He replied.

 “Oh, you’re that Spencer…” She replied with a wry smile. Reid noticed that her eyes darted up and to the side like she was remembering everything Becca had ever told her about him. “It’s nice to finally meet the legend in person.” She said as she jumped back onto her desk.

 “We were hoping you could help us fill in some of the gaps in her last year of life, there’s a lot about what happened to her that doesn’t make sense to us.” JJ cut in.

 “I don’t know a whole lot,” Amanda warned. “I had my suspicions but she never came out and said anything so I don’t know how much of it I was right about.”

 “What did you suspect?” Reid asked.

 “Well, nine months ago, she called me early in the morning, like super early, I think it was around four AM. She said she was sick and asked if I could cover her classes for the day. I could tell something was wrong, but she didn’t seem sick. It was more like she was shaken like something really bad had happened and it scared her. I agreed. When she came back to work the next day, she was limping, and she had marks on her wrists, like rope burns and I’m positive I saw a matching mark on one of her ankles. I asked her what happened, and she just said that she didn’t want to talk about it.”

 JJ turned to Reid. “Do you think maybe her mom hurt her again?”

 He shook his head. “No, every time Becca’s mom hurt her it was impulsive, this sounds like there was more planning to it than that, her mom wouldn’t have taken the time to tie her up.” He explained. Then he turned back to Amanda. “What happened next?”

 I noticed over the next month or so that she started getting sick, there were days where she would throw up two or three times. Eventually I asked her if she knew what was wrong and she said that nothing was, that she was pregnant.” Amanda paused, as though gathering the resolve to tell them what else she knew. “I think, I think whoever hurt her that night raped her. I think that, that’s how she got pregnant.”

 Reid was incensed, he had to withdraw within himself to maintain the outward appearance of calm. If Amanda was correct, then the restraining order against Peter suddenly made sense as well. No wonder she didn’t want anyone to know who the father of her child is… He thought bitterly to himself. He hoped desperately that he never saw the likes of Peter Bailman again, because the next time he did, he wasn’t sure what he’d be capable of.

 “Is there more?” JJ asked, seeing the tears in Amanda’s eyes and carotid artery pulsating in her neck that Reid had been too absorbed by his own thoughts to notice.

 “Yes,” she admitted. “It gets worse. About seven months ago, I started noticing that she was coming into work with bruises, and knowing her, and knowing what I know about her family I assumed it was because if her mom at first. But then one day she tripped over the laptop cart in her classroom, and within a couple of hours, she had a massive bruise on her leg. It went all the way from her knee to her ankle. I was worried about her so I made her go to the ER. They kept her for observation overnight and ran some blood tests. When she got back to work after that she claimed they didn’t find anything wrong, but she kept bruising really easily and despite being pregnant she was losing weight instead of gaining it. Becca wasn’t a small person, she just wasn’t built that way but by the time she resigned, aside from her pregnancy starting to show, she was skin and bone. I still don’t know what, but I’m positive there was something else wrong with her, something she didn’t want anyone to know about.” She told them.

 “Not even me…” Reid realized. This was insane, Becca had been in deeper trouble than he’d thought possible. Why hadn’t she said anything? Why hadn’t she asked for help while he could have still given it? He couldn’t take it anymore, he left the office without a word, letting the door close loudly behind him.

 “Excuse us,” JJ said as she followed Reid out.

 He was pacing back and forth along the stretch of hallway between Amanda’s office and the one next door.

 “Spence?”

 “If I ever see that creep again you’re going to have to keep me away from him.” He told her, more as a statement of fact than a threat.

 “Reid, you told me that she never would have slept with him, and she didn’t, not willingly anyway. If he did hurt her, we can prove it. We can track him down, we can prove with DNA that he fathered Rebecca’s daughter.”

 “No. No, we can’t… we can’t even let him know that she exists. JJ if he is the father, then he would have parental rights over her. If we’re right, and anyone else finds out, the only way we could stop the courts from giving him custody is if we got him locked up.”

 “You don’t think he’d be convicted?”

 “No. Becca’s dead, she can’t testify. All matching his DNA to her baby would prove is that he had sex with her. The assault was months ago. Any injuries she sustained, as a result, would’ve healed by now and any drugs he may or may not have used would be long out of her system. There’d be no hard evidence that it wasn’t consensual. The restraining order could be used to show that Becca was afraid of him, but a good defense attorney could defeat that argument pretty easily in court. Garcia didn’t find any evidence that Becca reported the assault, but, as far as I knew she wasn’t afraid of him, so why not admit that he hurt her? Why take out a restraining order? The only reason the Becca I know would have let him get away with something like that would be to protect her baby, to make sure that he never knew she existed. I think our best shot at keeping that little girl safe is to make sure it stays that way.”

 “Ok… but that’s not the only thing that’s bugging you is it?”

 “No, it’s what Amanda told us about the last few months before Becca resigned, that combined with her letting saying that she knew she was dying makes me think there’s still something we’re missing.”

 “Do you have any idea what?”

 “A few, none of them good. From sounds of it her life was one nightmare after another for almost a year, but she never said a word. Why didn’t she come to me? I would’ve helped her.”

 “I don’t know, Spence. What I do know is that you’re helping her now.”

[lacrimosathedark]

I have a “call out post” for hellosandersfanders, since they’ve been so goddamn “kind” going around and “correcting” people~  I actually have them blocked so honestly it’s more of a vent and an informational post for people who are yet to block them. I’m also not tagging anyone so as to not bother them, but I use their full usernames you’ll still know what I’m talking about.

If you want a TL;DR, I essentially repeat this multiple times: PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY THINGS. LET OTHERS ENJOY THINGS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT BUT DON’T BE A DICK ABOUT IT.

I’ll start off with the preface that most of their “call-outs” aren’t tagged appropriately. Specifically, they tag thomas sanders as well as the original basic ships. So these could just pop up when you’re looking for some Patton and Logan snuggles or some Roman and Virgil banter or anything else. Which is really fucking shitty, especially when they gripe about people tagging incorrectly. You’ll see.

In their bio and later in a post they talk about how they are saying what everyone else is too scared to say and denying that they’re a hate blog. Actually, this is their bio: “THIS IS NOT A HATE BLOG. This is a blog that calls out blogs and people that need to be called out. I'm taking it upon myself to make sure that everyone's blog experience is trouble free by setting bloggers straight.” But when you go after people, not even critiquing but full on criticizing and attacking them, that’s not a call-out, that’s hate. And here’s another thing. You can be the smartest dick in the room, but if you’re still a dick no one wants to listen to you. 

Their first post is “Call out posts to fanders who draw fusions that include Deceit: that counts as a Deceit ship and it won’t hurt you to tag it as such. Stop being disrespectful and tag your stuff appropriately.”  Saying a fusion counts as a ship isn’t necessarily the case, for one. And then says it’s disrespectful to not tag them as a Deceit ship. I know a lot of the time reblogs don’t get appropriately tagged, but if you go back to the original work, all of them are tagged for Deceit in some way, and often have said fusion in the tags (Loceit, Moceit, Princeit, Anxceit). I have never seen a fusion where the original artist didn’t tag the fusion components. And it’s well known that some people don’t like Deceit or are triggered by him in some way, so most fanders make an active effort to tag him. So that’s bullshit point one.

The next rude post they criticized cattonsanders for not tagging food and eating warnings for their compilation of the Sanders Sides characters not eating properly. But here’s the thing, while it wasn’t tagged, they said right in the post what it was, and the first frames are literally a title card saying “nobody in sanders sides knows how to eat”. And they didn’t say “hey, can you try to tag food and eating in the future?”, they said “ this is cute but you should’ve put a tag warning for food and/or eating. next time be mindful of other people.” like they have the right to scold and demand. 

Next was them commenting on people commenting on a gif: “is it really necessary to add your comments on gifsets? why couldn’t you add it on the tags?” Why shouldn’t people talk in reblogs? You aren’t obligated to be part of the conversation or say anything, you can even go back to the original post without commentary and people enjoying themselves and reblog the original post. What is so goddamn tedious about seeing people talking and having fun over content they mutually enjoy? Fuck off with your fun-sucking bullshit.

They have made a handful of comments on randomslasher/LJ’s posts as well as a call-out so I’ll summarize: They think “LJ is everywhere” is and overdone joke and finds it “grating” that people still enjoy it, they think LJ is a hypocrite for understanding people don’t like Deceit while also sharing Deceit content, they say LJ doesn’t stand for anything and is a people-pleaser, and they said people shouldn’t “worship” them because they don’t stand for anything. So, to hit all of those points, as follows; You aren’t required to like a joke but as long as it doesn’t harm anyone just let people enjoy things. You don’t have to like something for it to be good. Next, people are allowed to like Deceit. The same way people can like Moriarty or the Joker or Deadpool or any character of poor or ambiguous morality. You can like a character that’s not a great person. Being aware that he upsets people just means you tag the content appropriately, not that you have to stop liking or sharing it because it makes other people uncomfortable. LJ isn’t a hypocrite for still sharing Deceit content if they like Deceit so long as they tag appropriately, jegus fuck. And I don’t know much about LJ, but do they really have to “stand for something”? It’s their blog, not yours, and it’s for fun, it doesn’t have to have a deeper purpose. And people don’t worship LJ, but they are admired for their content and personality. But they, and many other bigger blogs in this fandom, are constantly reminding their followers that they too are just people and just Fanders. It’s not fair to dislike them just for being well-liked. That’s just petty. They then whined when LJ blocked them, essentially calling them a coward. But I’ve seen LJ discuss things with people of less than like minds, and they aren’t perfect but they’re pretty respectful. They blocked you because you’re a whiny bitch, not because you disagree with them.

Next they went after princelogical. They said Marin is just imitating Logan in how he “speaks” and it’s “annoying and fake”. That rubs me the wrong way because I have been told I type like Logan talks at times, but y’know what? I’ve been told before ever hearing the name Thomas Sanders that my writing seems cold and distant and intelligent and precise. That is how I learned to write and express myself. It’s possible, even likely, that Marin is similar, that he is similar to Logan in that way and were prior to Logan existing. And people who mimic or pretend to be the characters that they criticize, so fucking what? People aren’t allowed to explore the characters or themselves, or practice writing or getting into character like that? They also say: “He’s also very in your face about being christian, which is very offensive to people of other religion like myself.” News flash, buddy, they say right in their bio that they’re Christian. Don’t like it, don’t follow him. And here’s a thing, I hate organized religion with a burning passion. But his religiousness never does more than poke at a nerve. And he uses it as a way to spread positivity instead of hate like a lot of Christians do nowadays. And hey, that someone is personally another religion and shares it on their personal blog is not an offense to someone of a different religion, be fucking mature.

They next attacked organizeddiscord, and I don’t really know Sam so I’m gonna argue more with their points, if I make a wrong assumption about her I apologise. For context, I don’t know if she does this so imma put the first part of their comment for you to judge rather than piece it apart: “Does nothing but complain about her content not being reblogged then constantly makes posts that guilt trip people into reblogging her content, starts unnecessary drama,  and  acts mean and horrible towards Deceit fans. I don’t like Deceit too but I never act the way she does.” After that they go on to say how she is “forcing” the Virgil/Thomas ship on the fandom and how it’s disrespectful to Thomas. Look, I hate that ship too, it weirds me out, but no one is forced to read any of what she posts about it (blocked tags and tumblr savior exist for a reason) and anyone is allowed to create anything they want, that’s not forcing it on anyone. And I don’t see how it’s disrespectful to Thomas. Sanders Sides Thomas is a characters, Shorts Thomas is a character, they aren’t real. Thomas knows abut ships, he has said he thinks they’re cute. He makes jokes about the concept of sleep essentially being his wild boyfriend, and there was a joke about him sharing his bed with his anxiety, which is essentially Shorts verse version of Virgil. And guess what? You don’t have to like it for her to be able to enjoy it. She’s allowed to enjoy it. They later said she was plagiarizing when she took a text post that has been circling around, and also sourced it, and made it a Sanders Sides essentially fake quote. And they demanded she take it down. Buddy...that’s not how things work. It’s not plagiarism if you say it’s not yours. And she did the right thing in sourcing it too. But this happens all the time, are you going to attack every “fake quotes” thing ever, even just in this fandom? Because honey even you don’t have the time for that.

They then go after theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly and boy did I feel like a cat with their hairs on end when I saw them be a dick to Cole. They don’t like Cole’s shitposty humor. It’s not for everyone but a lot of people think he’s funny. And some of his crazy shenanigans come from medications or even from just being bilingual and keeping words right. The “childish talk” I find funny, and it’s not like it’s baby talk, and it can also be rather insightful. Plus even if you think he sounds stupid, here’s the thing: most people sound smarter in their native language. Cole isn’t from an English-speaking country. He is allowed to not use every word like it came out of your goddamn English textbook or some stupid novel or whatever. And the bear thing is because his username and icon are a reference to Crofter’s whose mascot is a bear. If you aren’t gonna bitch at Thomas for making so many Crofter’s jokes, then leave Cole the fuck alone for it.

They then made a call-out for what-even-is-thiss and...sadly I agree with them on this one, though I hate how rudely they worded it, so I’m just gonna copy what they said. ““Roman” if that’s even his real name, has no regards to other people’s feelings and just says whatever the hell enters that brain of his. He is so bad that other blogs have called him out. And yet he acts as if nothing has happened. No remorse or anything.” I will say one thing though; Roman, to my recollection, is a trans guy and chose his name. He’s allowed to choose any name he fucking wants. And even if that’s not his real name? It’s the fucking internet didn’t you guardian teach you not to give out personal information on the internet?

They then called out anxietys-room for not being helpful and for passing it off to followers to give advice. Here’s the thing; they aren’t professionals. They are normal people who want to help people struggling and can only do so much. And I’ve seen a number of times them pushing help lines for people who desperately need that. How shitty do you have to be to attack something so well-intentioned?

They then yelled at insanelycoolish for not putting their story under a “Keep Reading”, which they used later for their taglist. It’s a fair thing to say, long posts you don’t care to read are obnoxious. However, they didn’t ask if Finn could fix it or do something else next time. They said this: “would it kill you both to add all of these under a read more?” “you both” presumably is referring to the-pastel-peach, whom Finn was conversing with because she enjoyed his fic. But she can’t do anything, it’s not her post. Ugh I’m so sick of this dude...

This is all that’s on their account for now, but let’s circle back to their bio. No one needs to be called out for having a different sense of humor than you or liking things you don’t like. You aren’t making the fandom trouble-free, you’re causing trouble and pain and anger by attacking our friends. Maybe that’s your real intent. But either way, you have made yourself our enemy.

You have no right to consider yourself a Fander, so I hope you don’t. Thomas preaches caring and acceptance, and asking nicely for things you need. He would be ashamed of you.