#in the dream it feels terrible the whole time but when i wake up im like ' if only i could let go like that in real life'

[angelpuns]

I sometimes have these dreams where something happens ( usually something I actually have to do in real life ) and it goes poorly and then I have a huge meltdown. Not like my normal ones though, there's screaming and crying and hitting and breaking things. And I yell at people. And I breakdown loudly and I take up space. And its crazy cause my real life meltdowns don't look like that externally. I do cry. And I do hit things and I WANT to scream. But I don't. And it makes me think that I will both never be able to experience the freedom of doing that ( meltdowns are horrible but they are a release of emotion that is sometimes necessary) and that I can't even escape it in my sleep.

[imababblekat]

Scars That Bind

**WARNINGS**: implied ptsd, scarring, angst (but w/ happy ending)

~~~~~~~~

@httpvomitello ,"Hi Hi, how are you? So I was wondering if you could do a one shot with Donnie x f! reader who is his girlfriend. It would be after the event of the second film, where she helps with the fight and everything. However, she ends up with a big scar on her back, but she never got around to revealing it to the others because she was ashamed to show it, and because of that, in those weeks she almost didn't let Donnie touch her, whether it was a hug or a kiss. Until one day, he accidentally sees the scar, and after her explanation, he comforts her and things get better.

A/N: oh boy this is much longer than i had planned it to be! hope y'all still enjoy though! im just gonna go cry in a corner after having written this ╮(T▽T)╭

~xXx~

It had been weeks, and yet the events of the Kraang attacks still effected you. Effected your life. It hadn't been as often as early on, but you still had nightmares. Still awoke sweaty and fearful from a nightmare that played out way differently and more devastating than how the real battle had ended victoriously. Well, mostly victoriously. Yes, the four ninja brothers you had helped and fought alongside went home with some new scars that they would no doubt proudly brandish, but the one you took home made you feel anything but proud. Anything but strong like how the turtles felt about theirs.

The large, healed but still freshly ugly wound across your middle back would be a forever reminder of how things could have gone terribly wrong for you that day. You were lucky to make it out alive in the end, but you had not only been physically scarred, but mentally as well.

What if you hadn't made it out of that slippery situation? What if it had happened and then Donnie, your everything, wouldn't have even known, to busy off fighting the big bad boss? How could you leave him, leave everyone, so suddenly in your foolishness to be more than what you were? A fragile human, trying to be a hero like her mutated boyfriend who had been training to fight his entire life?

The near death experience left you thinking and imaging the worst nearly every waking moment, and it seemed to effect more than just your lonesome. It had started to effect your relationship with Donnie. You can't remember the first moment it happened, but you remember every other time you had rejected his touches. The poor man couldn't get a kiss from you, much less a hug, and he had no idea why. The hurt in his eyes always tugged at your heart strings, but not as much as if he were to find out about the permanent alteration to your body.

If he found out, he would surely blame himself for not being there to protect you. Something you wanted him to not do. He along with his super brothers had more pressing things to be worried about, not a single human when they had the whole of New York on their shoulders. Your horrific dreams of death had also instilled in you that very great possibility of just how much danger you truly were in being with them. Yes, it was something that you had all known. April, Casey, and even Vern were just as in likely danger simply by being friends with the turtles, but no one really realizes the weight of something till it comes crashing down on them. Like it had to you.

If one day something happened to you, you didn't want to leave behind a deeply heartbroken and changed Donnie. Making distance would surely make such a casualty easier to deal with if there was nothing no longer there right?

Right?

You chocked on a sob, eyes screwed shut with clasped hands against your reddened face. The staggered cry quietly echoed off your bathroom walls, the only other sound being the slight slush of water in the tub you had planned to get into before you had caught a glance of the cursed marking on your back in the mirror. Now, you sat on the edge, trying your best to reason with your recent actions, but your heart and subconscious knew the truth and would not let you get away so easily.

Images of Donnie's hurt face only a couple hours ago still projected freshly in your mind. The pain in his eyes when you stepped back from his open embrace and rejected his goodbye kiss before you departed for home. You've seen the genius sad before, but never had you seen him so dejected. Knowing that you were the cause, hurt even more.

"But it's for his own good.", you sobbed aloud.

Than why did it feel so wrong?

Suddenly, something had fumbled and hit the tiled floor loudly, causing you to nearly jump out of your skin as you swiftly turned on the edge of the tub to see the last person you wanted to in this exact moment.

There, standing in the entrance straight as a pillar and eyes so wide they might pop out of his head, was Donatello. He had come to return back your phone, that of which he had called deciding it was finally time to talk about your standoff behavior towards him when it rang from the lair lounge. Now though, a call to work out the reason was no longer warranted, the off color patch of new skin and flesh on your back still crystal clear in his mind.

"I. . .", Donnie faltered, one usually a dictionary of speech, now speechless.

You on the other hand, were much more reactive. Your heart picking up pace, as you were quick to grab your towel and wrap it around, stepping out of your forgotten bath and racing to get out of this situation.

"I-I wondered if I had forgotten that, thanks Don, you can go-"

You had tried and failed to push your way past Donnie after swiftly grabbing your phone off the bathroom floor, but the turtle in purple was much faster and had grabbed hold of your arm just as you entered the hallway.

"How. . .how long have you. . .", Donnie swallowed, still struggling to find the words.

You felt your heart drop in your chest seeing the agony in Donnie's knowledgeable gaze.

"Donnie, please. . .", you mutter barely above a whisper, lip beginning to quiver.

"When you said you went to the hospital to check on a friend, did you really go for yourself?", he questioned, brows furrowed as he looked down at you, but you were careful to avoid his gaze.

You tried to pull your arm from his grasp, but Donnie held firm. He wasn't letting you go this time.

"(Y,n), please, I'm just trying to understand."

"There is nothing to understand.", you gritted out, angry with yourself for the tears that threatened to spill once again.

"How could you say that? You have a-"

"I know!", you finally snapped, glare flashing up towards Donatello.

Said turtle was stunned, but soon relaxed his expression, slowly letting go of your arm to take a step back. You cursed yourself internally, looking back to your hallway's carpet and holding yourself tight. A moment of tense silence befell the both of you, neither speaking and both refusing to look at the other. Your heart ached, and so did his, but it was not you who apologized first.

With a tight throat, Donnie was first to speak quietly.

"I'm sorry. . ."

"Don't say that.", you thought to yourself, another stinging pang shooting straight through your chest. Fighting back the urge to cry, you shook your head, chancing a glance at your slumped boyfriend.

"No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. It's just. . ."

Donnie looked up just as you looked down the hall, but your gaze was else where. It was a look he was all to familiar with, one he'd seen after terrifying incidents he and his brothers had experienced.

"Is that why you've been so distant?"

By that, you knew Donatello meant your scar.

The reference broke you, nodding as you started to sob and weep, new tears making new streaks down your face. Donnie muttered a quiet 'oh', opening his arms as you quickly crossed the short distance to fall against his plastron. The moment his strong arms wrapped around you, your heart had exploded, cries racking your body as you sobbed loudly, not caring if the neighbors heard. It had been so long since you had embraced each other, since you had been this close to the person you fell so deeply in love with, that the sensation of Donnie holding you felt as though you had finally returned home after an arduous journey across rough seas.

The entire time you cried Donnie stood cradling you, rubbing your arms softly and murmuring quiet whispers of "its okay" and "let it out" against the top of your messy hair. Neither of you knew how much time had passed, Donnie undoubtedly willing to hold you up if your legs no longer could, but soon you had calmed, only letting out shaking breaths and a few soft sobs here and there. Once you felt you had regained enough strength you gingerly used Donnie's strong plastron as leverage to push your self back, just enough to still remain close but also peer up into his worried gaze.

"I'm sorry Donnie. I never wanted to hurt you. I was so scared about how something happening to me would effect you, when I've been causing you that pain this entire time. I'm so, so sorry Donnie.", you choked out, feeling as though you were ripping off a band-aid and at the same time having heavy weights lifted from your shoulders.

"Oh, (y,n).," Donnie muttered, reaching up to move a strand of hair from your sticky, tear stained face. "I only wish I had realized sooner what you were going through. You shouldn't have faced this alone. I should have been there to help."

You bit your bottom lip, shaking your head slowly.

"No Donnie, that's exactly part of why I acted the way I did. I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened."

Donnie's grip on you tightened, a pit forming in his chest. That scar. It grabbed him by the throat and had him in a choke hold the second he stepped into your bathroom. When had you gotten it during the Kraang attack? Were you alone the whole time? How did you get such a wound?

Donatello had to be quick to stop his thoughts before they spiraled into picturing unsavory images of just how exactly you had been hurt. He hated it, this revelation that something seriously bad had happened to the person he loved and he wasn't there to do anything about it. If he'd lost you, he'd surely would have lost himself.

Leaning forward with tightly shut eyes, holding back his own tears for your sake, Donnie's lips pressed firmly to your forehead before slowly pulling back. His beautiful gold eyes found yours, a comforting smile gracing his features as you tiredly peered back at him inquisitively.

"Sorry, dove. I can't say that I won't, but I promise I'll try to as long as you promise me something."

"Anything, Donnie."

"Promise me that you'll always remember I'm here for you. That you can come to me about anything, and to please let me help fight your battles with you, just as you so bravely have done for me."

Your lips formed into a smile, the first genuine one in who knows how long. Your head fell against Donnie's strong chest once more, your arms squeezing him this time and feeling your soul being filled with a warm, positive feeling for once as the tallest ninja turtle returned your embrace with just as much love.

"I promise.", you spoke just above where Donnie's heart lay protected by plastron, the feeling of another gentle, loving kiss being placed against the top of your hair.

~xXx~

[ilovepaigebueckerss]

the other woman.

pairings: p.b x fem!reader!

warning: cheating

summary: who knew joining a live could possibly ruin everything for you?

_____________________________________

the sound of your laughter fills your empty apartment. “the nerveee that girl had.” your best-friend Emmy says laughing with you. normally around this time you would be fast asleep, cuddling with your girlfriend Paige. but she was out at a party or something with her uconn teammates. you couldn’t even keep up with her whereabouts anymore.

as you continue to talk to Emmy you get an instagram notification. ‘Ice Brady is now live!” you decide to click on the live wondering what they are doing. Ice is just talking to the chat about their recent win and what shes gonna do after the season. after a couple minutes you decide the live is pretty boring and you’re just gonna go to bed. right before you click on the little ‘X’ in the corner of your screen ice flips the camera showing a curly hair girl and a familiar blonde kissing. your heart sinks to your stomach as you realize its your blonde.

“Emmy im going to sleep”

“alright, goodnight girl!!”

you hang up with out even responding. your eyes start to fill with tears as you process what you just saw.

___________

“im homeeeee” your girlfriend announces a couple hours after the whole live incident. you quickly wipe your tears hoping she doesn’t notice you’ve been crying. “I’m in here” you say trying you best to sound happy shes home. you then hear footsteps and a familiar voice that isn’t Paige’s. Azzi Fudds voice.

your girlfriend stumbles in the room, clearly very drunk and tired. “hi Azzi” you say coldly, you tried to sound happy but it was hard. “I’ve got her from here, thanks for taking her home.” “of course! goodnight!” she says smiling. her smile is perfect, her teeth are perfectly straight and white. her body is amazing, and her hair is beautiful. you cant help but compare yourself to her.

“I’m hungry” a very drunk Paige says, snapping you out of your thoughts. “okay baby, I’m gonna go make you some food, you go take a shower.” even after what Paige did you cant seem to hate her. maybe its her perfect smile, her piercing blue eyes, or the fact that she was the first person to show you what real love actually is.

you set out a random gray tank and some boxers for her to put on when shes done with her shower.

“hi pretty girl”

she walks behind you, placing her hands on your waist and kissing your neck. she still gives you the same sense of comfort even though you know those same hands were on someone else.

____________

the sun shines on your face, waking you up. you look down and see your gf sleeping in the crook of your neck. her small breaths tickling your neck. her legs tangled in yours.

‘im really gonna miss this.’

you cant help but know this is the end of your 2 year relationship with the girl of your dreams.

_______________

authors note: HEY YALL. I wasn’t expecting people to actually see the other one I made but yall did so. I decided to rewrite it cause it was lowkey so terrible. but enjoy this and I will be writing a pt. 2 whenever I feel like writing again.

[thequietkid-moonie]

Foster Parent comforting them after a nightmare

[ SCENARIO ] [ Kotoko, Nagisa, Masuru, Jataro, Monaca ] [ Danganronpa Ultra Despair Girls ]

⚠️ This contain spoilers about their backstory

They are my babies, I would give the the sun, the moon and the stars if I can ❤️ Anyways, im FINALLY writing for them again!! IM SO HAPPY!!

I don't care what people think or say, I know Monaca suffered a lot too, the fear she felt when she sees Hanji again is REAL!!

Kotoko Utsugui

Kotoko doesn't really like to talk about what happened to her, she gets pretty mad whenever someone or something reminds her about her past, and even so she prefers to act like it she doesn't mind it anymore, what happened in the past it stays on the past, and now that she has someone who cares for her why she will like to remember so disgusting things?

But as much as she tried to forget her trauma still hunt her down from time to times, that fear that exist deep inside her of one day the horrible parents she had will come for her and make her return to her old life (if she still continue going to the drama club she feels insecure about it from time to time too)

Saddly, all the feelings and fears she tries to ignore sometimes come to her as a dream, as a terrible nightmare where no matter how much she call for your name you aren't there, instead she just see her father, who with a big smile congratulate her for her amazing performance and remember her that there is something that she still have to do

Kotoko wake up all scared before something even can happen because she just couldn't handle all of that again, tears already falling from her eyes, her whole body shaking and trying to cover her body while trying to normalize her breathing

It depends on how bad her nightmare was to what she will do next, if it wasn't that bad she will try to calm down by herself, not really wanting to bother you and being anxious about going out of her room, but is more likely that at the end she goes to your room to at least sleep by your side, in the other hand if the nightmare was really bad she won't be able to calm down so she just runs to your room crying almost imediatly, also it could be that she scream while sleeping or when she wakes up what will alert you so you will be the one going to her room

Either way, Kotoko is just crying, she isn't able to explain what happened and she doesn't want to talk about it neither (she even almost scream at you if you ask her about the nightmare just because she is scare), she just want to be in your arms, she just want to know that she is with you and that you won't let those perverts touch her again, if Kotoko manage to say something will be to either ask you to please hold her or to ask you if you will let that people reach her

Kotoko doesn't want to leave your arms so you will have to hold her for a long time until she calm down, as well sweet and soft touches (such as caress her hair or back and small kisses on the forehead) and reasuring her that something like that will never happen again help her calm down faster, still it will take her some time to fall sleep again and there is no way she will do it alone

The next days Kotoko will be more quiet than usual, even a little shy with her head down, she isn't really embarrassed about waking you up is just that the nightmare really affected her, but with some time she will feel better and will go back to her normal self again

Nagisa Shingetsu

Nagisa doesn't really have problems with talking about what happened to him in the past and he even talk about like it isn't nothing or that it doesn't bother him, but in reallity all that he suffered affects him more that even he knows

Nagisa were exposed not just standards too high and a constant rejection but to the effects of drugs in order to make him work more and more, and even when he acts mature deep down he is still searching for the approval of the ones he loves and is startled by the minimum errors

For being in a house where he is appreciated by just being himself and don't ask him to be perfect or to spend all the night studing the fear of messing things up or even disappointing you hunt him from time to time (not always but it still there), so having a nightmare related to it isn't totally strange

Dreaming about his father and all that he went through it doesn't really affect him, it bothers him and it startle him, but aside from that he doesn't have much troubles with it, is dreaming about you being disappointed of him what makes him afraid, you being mad, disappointed or even calling him a failer is what makes him afraid, is that what will make him anxious, desperate trying to explain himself and apologize for his error, even promising that it isn't going to happen again and he wil make it up for it (but if you don't seem to wanting to heard him that will lead him to a panic attack)

When Nagisa is finally able to wake up he is afraid and sweating, he may even jump a little in his bed, he is so nervous that he is even disoriented, it take him a moment to start to calm down and realice that he is in his room, that everything was just a dream, even so he isn't fully calm

The last thing he wants is to bother you (specially if the nightmare really affected him), so Nagisa tries to calm down, repeating himself that everything was just a dream and that you aren't like that, you'd told him a million of times that you don't expect perfection from him

He may be able to calm down enough to try to go back to sleep once again, but if the nightmare was specially scary or it affected him a lot he won't be able so he just goes out of bed and take a walk around the house, maybe a glass of water could help him calm down. He doesn't really want to wake you up, even if he know that you won't be mad for it the memory of your bothered expression and voice of his nightmare make him anxious, he doesn't want to see it in real life

Its okay if you find him in the middle of the night in the kitchen or you see him until the morning, Nagisa doesn't really craves for direct comfort he just need the reasurance that you aren't mad or dissapointed of him, so for him is okay just continuing with your normal routine (although he will be more talktive and clingy, like quietly asking for the parental love and comfort)

He doesn't want to talk about his nightmare, so even if you insist the most you will get from him is admitting that he had a nightmare, he not just doesn't care for it but he is a little embarrassed of needing/wanting comfort, so if you try he will complain at little at first but totally accept it (specially if is a hug)

Masuru Daimon

Masuru normally don't talk about the abuse he suffered from his father mainly because he doesn't see a point on doing so, and since now he has a home and a parent that always welcome him with open arms he doesn't see why he should remember the bad past with the demons

Also, his past doesn't affect him directly, it makes him pretty aggresive from time to time but it is something he can change, he is just bother by it when he remember it but aside from that he normally just act as the energetic child he is

For Masuru to have a nightmare about his past of abuse is more likely to have been triggered by something during the day, something that had make him nervous or remember him about it. His new house is one where he is more free and appreciated, and even if he can desesperate you from time to time you never really decided to hit him, so having a nightmare where is again with the abusive father he had is pretty shocking for him and he doesn't like it, he want to be where he isn't attacked, he want to be with you so even in his nightmare he is searching for you, but you aren't anywhere, what makes him more an more desperate

When Masuru finally manage to wake up he is shaking and sweating, still it depends in how bad his dream was to how he will react, if it wasn't too bad he just wake up scare but still he will try to calm down, while if his nightmare were really bad even after waking up (probably with a little scream) he is so afraid that even will have a panic attack. But in both cases he is pretty scared and is pretty loud while trying to calm down (specially in a panic attack because he tend to self harm), so is more likely he ends up waking you up for the noises and you go to his room

When you enter in his room/knock on his door he is immediatly startled but by recognizing you his tears start to fall from his eyes because as much as he like to act all rough and brave, deep down he knows that he doesn't have to fear when he is with you, also it depend in how scared he is to his next move, either asking you what are you doing there or running to your arms, but it doesn't matter much his reaction because he wants your comfort

Is probably that Masuru start to have a panic attack, depending in how scare he was and he will try to hit himself to make him calm down unless you guide/teach him another way to be able to calm down (a less aggresive way), as well that he is able just cry into your arms depend in your relationship and how much he trust you, otherwise he will be trying to convice you that he isn't scare at all

However, not matter how much the nightmare affected him at the next morning Masuru return to his normal self and just be cheerful since the morning (but if the nightmare was really bad he will be a little startled when he does something wrong or you seem mad for a while)

Jataro Kemuri

Jataro has been treated so poorly for all his life, not just for his mother but his friends used to treat him bad too, so it take him a long time to get used to being with someone that truly cares for him and loves him just for being him

Jataro doesn't has any problem with talking about his past of abuse, although he talk about it like if it is something normal for how used he is to it, he just repeat what his mother used to tell him (especially when he start to take a liking for you because he doesn't want to hurt you with his horrendous appearance)

As he slowly start to get more used to and comfortable with your kindness towards him it will be a while where he is more nervous about making you mad, being insecure of himself thinking that he won't be enough or that he will end up making you mad (he kinda expected it as something that will obviously happen)

For him to have a nightmare related to this is more likely to be caused because something through the day trigger him and is more common to happen when he is just getting used to his new life, it could be that he is with his mother, either that thinking that being with you was all just a dream or that you had throw him with her again because you don't want him anymore, also it could be with you the dream, making you so mad that you start treating him bad like her used to do, and probably even force him to wear the mask once again or even that he end up hurting you still somehow believing what his mother used to tell him

No matter what his nightmare was about he wakes up frighten, it take him a moment to realice where he is and still his anxiety doesn't fully goes away, the more the nightmare scared and affected him the more anxious he will be, leading him to start crying for nervousness and even to compulsive scratching his arms and head

He may not be really loud but is at least enough to alert you, and the moment you approach to him (either entering on the room or knocking on the door) he is immediatly startled and just stare a moment at you trying to decipher who it is still lost in his anxiety, and when he reconize you he is mixed between wanting to be in your arms and feeling ashame of himself, so he just continue being troubled by his anxiety while saying little apologizes (but don't apologizing for something in concret)

In that moment Jataro really craves for comfort but he isn't going to really ask for it because he feels ashame, just being able to be in your soft embrace will help him start to calm down and a direct reasurance that you aren't mad at him or that you don't think of him like his mother did comfort him a lot

He isn't completely sure if he will be able to fall sleep alone again but he is willing to try just because he doesn't want to bother you, but if you don't mind he will be happy for you to stay with him until he falls sleep (and will sleep with you only if you insist)

The next day he will still be a little nervous, not wanting to bother you with his presence so he will be a little quiet for a while, until he feel completely sure that he isn't bothering you

Monaca Towa

It isn't easy for Monaca to trust in someone, she could be acting all happy and charming and even calling you her parent already but deep down she isn't fully used to his new life and even a little wary of you, is just that she goes carefuly, little by little

And as just as she doesn't fully trust you she isn't going to talk about what happened to her right away, she even cover it saying that Monaca was really loved by everyone (more specifically in her school) and that everyone wanted to be her friend, and even when she feel completely comfortable with you she doesn't know if she will tell you the truth

For her to have a nightmare related to this isn't really common, or at least no to be enough to truly frighten her, so is more likely during the day something trigger her and/or she is specially anxious. Her nightmare could vary, being about her abusive family, by just being there with them again and you were nowhere to seem, or even worst that you are the one leaving her with them or even mocking her for trusting you and starting to act like how her family used to do, ignoring her and even calling her a pest

When she finally wakes up she is really nervous and even sweating a little, her past afect her more that she likes to admit so having to re-live it as a nightmare isn't something good for her, she is looking everywhere a little disoriented and really startled by it, still it doesn't take her long to realice that she is safe in her room, the room you designed for her and she was free to decorate at her taste, just that is really comforting for her and since she doesn't really make much noises while calming down, there isn't a reason why you will know about it

However, it actually will affect her much more the nightmare if you are the one on the nightmare, she tries to make it seem like it doesn't bother her and that is nothing but it slowly make her pretty nervous and insecure, going as far as making her almost imposible to properly calm down, so is more likely that she end up going to your room and getting into your bed quietly to at least be by your side, even snuggling to you

Monaca doesn't want to talk about her nightmare nor admit that she was scared, so if you insist enough or she already trust you she may be willing to say that she had a nightmare, not really wanting to give details about it and she doesn't like to make a big deal of it neither

Monaca doesn't exactly ask for comfort but she wouldn't mind receiving it but still she prefer just doing the common things like any other day, from the outside it seems like she isn't bothered at all but deep down she is still a little nervous and will be a little wary not just of you but of her own actions, something that she does almost unconsciously, as well as insisting a little more on helping you in whatever she can or talking with you, even small chats she just need the reasurance that you still care for her

[star-quill]

someone sent me a req of peter + breeding kink (which im about to post) but now i cant stop thinking about two things.

dilf peter who is trying to get his life back on track now that he's got a kid. he goes on a string of bad dates and asks if you can help look after his kid while he's out. you agree, and he's so grateful for it. he always comes home disgruntled and upset that the date was terrible. he sends you back home, watching from his window making sure you get in and then he's in bed. he has a dream about you, waking up in a cold sweat when he dreams about kissing you. he purposefully goes on more dates, gauging your reaction when he constantly asks you to look after his kid again, and again, and again. one night he comes home and he's not looking good, he looks absolutely shaken up and you rush to him, asking if he's ok. he just asks if he can kiss you and you're shocked, but you let him. his hands cup your face and it's so sweet, so loving, so tender. you're what he's been missing this whole time.

or, dilf peter who totally shouldn't flirt with you at a friendly neighbourhood barbecue. and you totally shouldn't be kissing him, or letting him drag you to the living room and lay you down on the couch, his lips moving to kiss your neck. his kisses are a delicate mixture of sweet and needy, his lips gentle on your skin but with the way he's kissing you, you know he's hungry for more. and you'd give it all to him if you could. you'd give him everything he wanted in a heartbeat. maybe it's why you wore a flowery sundress, hoping to catch his attention. you needed him to just lose himself in you, needed him to want you the way you've wanted him for so long. he snuck you away to his place and fucked you in his bed, you laying face down while he just absolutely railed you from behind. you were desperate now, wanting to see him every day, even if it was just for sex. he filled you up so deliciously, ruining you but making you feel so damn good at the same time.

[sapphicflower-ao3]

this is gonna be a RANT; im devastated by your fic "in your dreams, nerd" rn. so a while back in high school i was in marching band and i had a friend who i made to be my co-section leader. we met through marching band, and i'm his senior by two years. we got really close because of band, despite him being a little mean to me sometimes.

anyways, i had been with a different person at tht time right (they were my first love; wasn't really the ideal relationship, was quite toxic actually).

when i was still with that person, i used to have consistent, amazingly realistic dreams about my co-section leader. it would all feel real; i would feel the way his arms would encircle around my waist. i would always wake up feeling conflicted

although i think i was in love with my (now ex) partner, i think i might have been in love with my co-section leader this whole time. this whole time i've literally just pushed the feelings away like ehh he's just a really good friend

but i genuinely cannot forget all of the times we've been the bestest of friends, and incredibly, TERRIBLY tender with each other. one time we sat knee to knee in the stands during an out-of-home competition and we shared a blanket and when i wanted to put vaseline on my face he did it for me; and that was the same competition where i asked for comfort and he knew exactly what to do

the time where the band was at disney and i helped him pick out a shirt; held it to his chest to see if it looked good, and it was just so DOMESTIC. and then because we fell out AT disney our friendship was never the same. but we made up months later and honestly our friendship breakup hurt WAY more than my breakup with my ex partner

the way we used to text all the time, send eachother memes, it wouldn't be the same if he wasn't there; i often wondered if he wondered about my absence too. i miss his friendship very much way more than the idea of even being romantically involved

there are so many other things i could say and i wish i could tell him how i felt but we literally never talk. it's been a really long time since we've had a proper conversation, how exactly do you tell someone you're barely friends with now that you love them?? i considered getting really inebriated to tell him so he can reject me, but idk it feels so stupid and i feel stupid and ugh

it feels like there will never be an opportunity for that kind of thing again tbh

oh that def sounds like a story of the one that got away!!! 🥺 and also sounds like such a devastating and heartbreaking experience, idk how you managed to get through that alive…

but uhhh i really am the worst person to give advice on anything given my lack of experience ;—;

i will say though that sometimes there’s ppl who we wish we could revive back into our lives, but we just can’t go back to the past. sometimes the only option is to forego closure and just move on.

but other times it’s possible to reconnect again. idk which of those categories you guys would fall in, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to reach out and see how they’re doing? with a relationship so complex and close like that, maybe they even feel similarly abt you

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bunitivity]

Hey! First of all let me start by saying that I LOVE your writing (one shots? Im not familiar with fanfic terms lol), everytime I see you answering an ask and is under read more? Fuck yeah! Im eating well tonight!!! (That being said dont feel obligated to answer this like that lol)

I was just thinking about Water 7 (because us Usopp girlies/gender neutral/ are never leaving that arc down) and the fact that after getting beat up Usopp is shown to have bandages all over his body, but later when he heals he doesnt seem to have any scars, and in the sense of the show it makes sense, but 👀 i feel theres lots of angst potential for him to have some scarring from his time against the Franky Family, after all Chopper only treated him at first, the rest of the wounds care was done by Usopp. I feel theres great Usopp angst potential in seeing these scars as shameful because they keep reminding him of his actions in water 7, Franky angst because every time he sees those scars he remembers a beat up Usopp, hell angst for the whole crew remembering their darkest time as a crew

And if we want to make it ZoLuSanUso (because of course were going to!!) angst of their little breakup arc and how they couldnt protect usopp at that moment 😭

Aaah I’m so happy you enjoy my writing! I honestly hadn’t planned on writing anything for this fandom because whenever I enter a new fandom I prefer posting art and even though I enjoy writing a little here and there much like my art/fandom art in general they are just snippets of a larger story lol. Which is something you can get away with drawing but not writing. I wish I could write a full fledged slowburn for the ot4 god that would be the dream but executing something like that well is a lot of work and I’m weak of spirit I’m afraid😩 that being said I did write a little something inspired by my latest ot4 drawing(and isn’t that a beautiful circle being inspired to draw and being inspired to write by your own drawing as you draw lol) I just need to edit it and I’ll post it tomorrow(and yeah they’re called oneshots😊) just seeing your nice message inspired me to work on it some more so that’s why it took me a bit to answer(also it takes me longer to see asks because I have notifications turned off lol)

And ah water 7 best arc and anyone who says otherwise is just weak. The first and only time we saw interpersonal conflict that mattered where everyone was so wrong and also right. Sorta wishing we get the same level intercrew conflict in elbaf but with the way the story is going it’s not likely but I can dream. anyways water 7. God the thought of them already dating during that arc is so angsty even for Me. While lu/sopp and san/uso sides are already heartbreaking on their own (and lu/san! he literally kicked him in the face and told him to watch his mouth😭 honestly I don’t think Sanji would forgiven Luffy or Zoro if Usopp really left the crew there’s no way for things to be normal after all that or even Usopp for going through with it tbh) but ugh just zo/sopp is so much worse. Just having to hear him say that they should leave him if he doesn’t apologize even though Usopp wasn’t the only one at fault no you know what even if he was entirely at fault hearing that would not be okay. To hear someone you love say that would be heartbreaking😭. From then on you even after you patch things up you would be constantly watching yourself trying not to be too much trouble or make any mistakes. I have fallen down a ravenous hole I need to get UP. So yeah I don’t like to think about them dating before w7 because it all becomes a little too terrible and I would just die but I shall indulge you just a bit.

But yeah Luffy waking up sweats in the middle to make sure Usopp’s still there. Zoro would be just be touching Usopp and finding all these scars that never used to be there and get a bad taste in his mouth. I think if Sanji hears any of the other two raise their voice he’ll just have flashbacks and go into protective mode even though they are his boyfriends too and he’s supposed to also love them and he can’t have favorites but there’s no way to erase the past and what happened. So Sanji will just feel that much more terrible and unworthy (he never used to feel deserving before but now it’s just compounded three fold). Water 7 has left a lot of scars.

They may not all be physical but they’re so much worse. They’re going to be forever hunted by past mistakes of how they almost lost him because they were stupid and not there when he needed them most and as a result they’re going to overcompensate and become overprotective which just leads to Usopp feeling even more useless. It’s a vicious cycle until something finally gives and they have another fight where all their stupid insecurities come to light and they mend things. They try to be better moving forward but they’re just humans and there’s no way they can just fix things overnight. But they try and that’s all that matters.

I don’t think Franky will ever forget what happened and what he had to someone that has become so precious to him. And the fact that Usopp forgave him so easily just makes it so much worse. It’s easier to deal with anger because then you can at least apologize and work to earn their forgiveness. But no he does not get that. Instead he has to see the person he hurt look up to him and admire him and love him which just makes all the shitty things he did so much worse. And to have left permanent scarring because of what he has done oh boy. To have a constant reminder of just how terrible you can be. Yeah he won’t ever forget it. And no amount of good he does will ever erase those scars so how could he possibly forgive himself.

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[toxixpumpkin]

Im sooooo obessed with ILYSFM ita not even funny I listened to the whole album on repeat/shuffle for 3 days. I love whatthehellishappening? so much.

There's the second verse of it where it's like "the trunk popped open and I locked eyes with the kid behind me"? I peraonally interpret that line as like "this is a terrible relationship or situationship but god it's better and more fun then whatever I've got going on outside of this." And the bit about closing the trunk making eye contact with the kid is a matter of "my friends see me stuck in this cycle and they're trying to help but I'm perfectly content being here"

Also also, deeply obsessed with Wonderful Nothing I'm eating glass (animals) about it tho there's nothing coherent up in my brain about it other than it reminds me a little of toyko drifting.

Also over already banned On The Run from playing in my car while I'm on the highway for,,,,,safety reasons for sure lmao

I was fresh off a 12hr shift in bed preparing to sleep for like 20hrs when the album dropped and I felt my soul sing as I laid in bed eyes closed experiencing it for the first time

I was absolutely delighted by the way whatthehellishappening? Played out especially the sudden cut off at the end and the slow fade into Creatures in Heaven. It like gives me a feeling of the rocket ship we’re on was going out of our control (just like the song) and we just have to go along for the ride but it’s exhilarating and FUN then we got like hit by a meteor and and wake up moments later as we started drifting in space (the slow transition into Creatures) thinking about the love we had that didn’t end how we expected.

And Wonderful Nothing!!!! I got chills the first time when it faded out to come back to that deep bass line felt it in my bones! I think that one will sit deep in my chest. There’s something about it that makes me want to find my Ex and bite them

On the Run tickles my brain in a way I wasn’t expecting it to. I never know what song will be THE ONE for me but everything about it just makes me energetic. I especially love the lyrics about having fake mustaches and changing them out daily to avoid detection it’s so silly I love it

Also Goodness Show Pony is so much for me cause it’s just the day dreams of what marriage and love looks like when you’re young and I had such grandiose ideas about it all to and I dunno Show Pony just also hit home unexpectedly

[ghostfvcker]

so im feeling bold enough to talk about creepypasta, so fuck it.

specifically the infamous creepypasta mansion au

So, here's the deal. I like it. You have to-- its literally the backbone of the fandom. Otherwise its a bunch of disjointed, poorly-written horror stories, very rarely which have overlap. But i also like nuance, too. The drama, the trauma, the fundamentally fucced-uppedness of these characters. The problem I've run into time and time again is why the fuck do these characters live together, and how the fuck have they not killed each other yet.

I know i've seen it before, that they must be already dead, but it hasn't been elaborated on in the sources i've seen.

So, here's my solution: The Hunter's Dream Mansion

yes, hunter's dream like from bloodborne. Because it being a mansion in hell isn't satisfactory. because it being a mansion in real life is unrealistic from a narrative perspective. But this place, like a dream, somewhere between life and death, somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, is the perfect setting for our terrible creeps.

the whole place follows dream logic, but not enough. Where it follows dream logic: places in the mansion change to accommidate the whims of the guests, sometimes not what they want, but what they need. It's easy to get lost, confused, disoriented in it's old, rickety corridors. the rooms are tailor-made to each guest, reflecting their perfect living space, while also hiding their worst nightmares. Sometimes it looks like an old victorian manorhouse, sometimes it's a modern home. It's walls bear wear-and-tear but only as tension mounts-- the more tense the inhabitants, the worse it looks.

Objects in the house may appear and disappear to their usefulness. It relies on object permanence; if someone forgets it's there, it isn't. A mess left on the walls may linger to be cleaned up-- and grow in size-- as long as someone dreads cleaning it up. But a mug shattered in a moment of blinding fear, panic, rage? Back in the cabinet, tidy as can be.

People can choose the appearance they take on in the dream. Most often, it's how they best remember themselves, but there are exceptions to the rule (BEN for instance, choosing the form of his favorite video game protagonist, so he doesn't look like a ten year old boy who drowned for the rest of eternity.)

Where it doesn't follow dream logic is the cutting part. This is an afterlife, after all. Everyone in our cast must die to get there. And when they do? They still feel the pain and wear the wounds of their death. They do heal faster, and no injury is fatal while they're in the dream. They can be stabbed, shot, gored and gouged as many ways as possible, effectively atomized and they'll still be alive, feeling it all. Over time, all wounds will eventually heal, bodies might even knit themselves back together.

Now the fun part is this is a special place for a very specific kind of person. It seems completely arbitrary, as it's hell for some, and heaven for others. Some characters revel in the idea that they can live forever, constantly leaving, getting their thrills out of the living world, and coming back here when they ultimately eat it only to have enough time to recooperate before doing it all again. Quite literally like they're playing bloodborne. For others, it's simply a place to go, a hideaway from the world they left behind, that they haunt. And for others still, it's an eternal torment. Especially characters with a revenge arc, this is enough to make them question what the point of it all is. (it gets especially interesting when it comes to, say, Jane vs. Jeff. The idea that Jane can find jeff as often as she'd like, kill him over and over again, but her goal of ensuring he could never do to others what he did to her being completely moot, because he literally cannot die has so many options in exploring her character and her motivations.) Some people seem to end up here randomly, being far too young or naive to be tainted like some of the black-hearted creeps. But there is always some kind of through-line, an object connecting all of these people and these actions together in some cosmic daisy-chain...

But the fact remains, that regardless of how much a person may wish to leave the grasp of the dream, go back and live the rest of their life as they wish, as is their right, as is their choice, they keep coming back. because how do you return to a world you've been declared dead in? after looking monsters in the eye? how do you explain to the people that enter your life that you know exactly what's going to happen to you when you die, but you can't say the same of them, and you hope to god they don't meet you, whereever you're going?

it's a fun idea, and a fun take on the au that offers so many directions you can go in. I came up with this with a friend after years of attempting to do a half-serious creepypasta roleplay/story that was set in the mansion AU to literally no avail.

[instantinternetcrush]

last night i was overtired very early in the day. i’ve been waking up early to watch the sunrise. we were texting about a very real and very quickly approaching future, something about taurus season and auspicious omens.

when my brain stopped working i texted you saying “i appreciate you” and immediately decided that that was far too vulnerable and told you that the former message was gay and as far as you were concerned i never said that.

this morning you texted me and asked what drugs i’d been taking, and if i had any left. i didn’t.

i had a weird nightmare that we were shooting heroin and pigeons in a park in oregon. your unsettlingly blue eyes were almost electric in the hazy and somehow foggy light and we were both slowly bleeding out on the wet concrete. i kept laughing, and my friend’s cat kept licking our faces. we both died but i died laughing. i usually do in my dreams. i wonder if that says anything about me as a person or about my future.

it’s been nice waking up before the sun. i’m getting more hours of sleep in a row than i have in awhile. what sucks is now im spending all day tired and falling asleep at around 9 pm pacific standard time. i should probably fix that considering they want me for the late shift at mcdonald’s. (i got a job at mcdonald’s to support you. well, not really to support you, mostly to support myself so i can feel like im providing something. but it’s much funnier to say that im doing it to support you.) in any case i’ve been spending my days feeling listless and vaguely terrible. my pharmacy won’t fill my prescriptions and unfortunately the medication cocktail im on now seems to be working as its supposed to, so unfortunately this is a blow to my performance as a human being.

i’m maybe seeing a friend from high school tomorrow. it’s funny to say that they’re a high school friend because i only went to maybe 2.5 years of in person high school before going crazy. immediately after that the whole world got demolished by a global pandemic, so maybe i wasn’t so crazy after all. i was, just another one of my little jokes.

i think in another world we met sooner. in another life i chose better the first time around. we live with the choices we make, and all we can really do is pray that we’ve made the right ones.

[hyenagurl]

okay werk actually i have a cool dream to share. idk if u mean like submit to u separately or just here but ill do here for now.

so i have recurring stress dreams about this scumbag who screwed me over awhile ago, i tend to get them on days when im not even upset about him. sometimes in them we’ll be arguing, or we’ll be friendly, sometimes ill walk in on him having sex with his gf who he betrayed, other times we’ll be fucking. i wake up feeling shitty and scared from all of them.

but in this dream it was especially fucked up. so i got in this car and she was in the backseat with me, and the gross dude was in the passenger seat up front. we were on some long road trip. i turned to her and started insulting her a lot. i told her she was a fucking idiot, and how did it feel knowing her boyfriend wanted to fuck me, that she was pathetic and worthless, etc. just really nasty stuff. she just looked at me with this big dump dopey smile and tears in her eyes (for context i told her what was happening irl when i found out for sure what he was doing and she blocked me and continued dating him). anyways while im tearing into her i look up at the passenger seat and see that hes looking back at us with this nasty smirk on his face. and immediately the tone of the dream shifted. i look at her again and she still has the dopey smile, but this time i start crying and i cup her face in my hand and tell her shes sweet even if shes stupid for enabling him (lmfao idk) but that im sorry im still hung up on this, the whole situation was terrible and ugly and it broke my heart and drove me legit crazy for a long time. then i look in the passenger seat and he’s not there anymore. and then i woke up with my heart pounding, with the song “step on me” by the cardigans stuck in my head, with the chorus repeating over and over.

so yeah i get big dumb dramatic meaningful sopranos-style dreams like that all the time and its TORTURE but its cool. anyways thanks for the prompt pibble it was fun.

[birrrrddddddyyy]

Im so fuckin anxious.

I had a terrible anxiety attack last night and ended up waking up my partner in the middle of the night. I just like unloaded everything I was scared about, from the missing messages with that girl that had a crush of them, to how it weirds me out that their other friend messages them at all hours of the night. I was a wreck. And they were wonderful about answering my questions and hearing me out and apologizing. But like.... I still don't feel fully reassured???? They were so patient with me. They ARE so patient with me. I feel like I'm fucking everything up. I feel scared that there's this great divide between us lately and I keep making it worse. I think they're gradually growing into a more secure attachment and I'm still stuck in my anxious disorganized. I should feel better right???? But I had nightmares that they left me for someone else. They were literally kissing them in front of me. And laughing at me. I feel like I failed them last night. My anxiety got too bad and it turned into a whole discussion AGAIN. I'm so tired of having these constant talks. Sometimes I wonder if we actually should be together or if this relationship is just trapping the both of us. But I love them. I see and feel us doing so well, even if things are hard recently. I just feel like I keep fucking things up. I don't know what's wrong with me. Last night I realized that instead of letting myself settle into their kindness I just laid there and thought about how life will be when they inevitably leave and abandon me. I dunno why my mind immediately went there, and I had to like literally challenge myself. For the first time, I realized I do that no matter what. If we fight, I mentally prepare for life without them. Even if we have a good productive convo and they show up for me , my mind still goes straight to how life will be without them. Or snarky cruel things to say, or it fixates itself on how I can get back at them if they hurt me. Because it's soo convinced that they will. I think I've been so deeply wounded in the past that I can't even fathom not being hurt by the person I love most. So when they show up for me and don't hurt me, and wanna do the work to love each other better ...it feels so scary and foreign. I know what to do with abuse and chaos, not this... not actual love.

Also my abusive ass ex was in my dream. He had a wife that I was trying to warn. She didn't believe me. Nobody believed me. That man is a r×pist. He abused me emotionally and mentally for months and then he assaulted me. He fucked me up. I think its obviously the shit he put me through that has scared me the worst. I knew the first relationship after an abusive one would be hard. But JFC this shit is like actually really really hard. It feels like every day I have to fight against my instincts to cut and run to protect myself. I get so so scared. No, I am scared. All the fucking time. And it's like no matter how much reassurance I get, or apologies from my partner when they mess up, or how well they show up for me, I still have it so deeply rooted in myself that they're going to harm and abandon me. That's so unfair to them, I really wish I could just turn my fear off and believe them. I was literally single for FOUR YEARS because of the trauma my ex put me through. I thought I was passed most of it if not all of it. But here I am at six am writing the longest damn vent of my life, wondering when the pain is going to end. Wondering why it's still hurting. Wondering if my pain is unfair to my life partner. The love of my life. It is unfair to them in a way. I wish I knew how to just move on. I wish it didn't still hurt. But being in a relationship again means pressing up against the sore spots. My trust, my fear of abandonment, my anger. Sometimes I feel like Im pulling myself apart piece by piece, to sew myself into a new shape. I'm not the person that I was when I was hurt. That person is dead. Sometimes I feel like Im cutting myself open and ripping out the rot. Then I'll leave it all out to sit in the rocks for birds to pick at.

I feel so vulnerable. I need to be vulnerable.

[applesinterest]

Im just always wrong

Everytime i try to do anything, help someone help myself, love… im wrong. I feel as if i will never get this life thing right. Im careless and i hate that about myself. I make so many mistake i question if i myself am one. Im scared i wont every get this right.

Ive criticised of everything that i do to the point where i even question waking up. What if im not doing it correctly. The dread i feel forcing myself out of bed because i know that during my day i will yelled at for doing something, anything. Criticised for trying again. I hate this all. I completely, whole heartedly hate it all. There is somehow always a problem with me. I cannot take it

If i were to ever take my life it is because i don’t think I’m doing it right. Something about me is terribly off, my death is a mere correction a flaw.

I know I’m being far too critical with myself but i cannot help it, I’ve been judged for everything i have tried. Knowing that i am certainly a failure why should i aspire to be more. Of course, i still have a dream, a desire to heal and love others but i fear that when i try to climb up ill fall at the worst time. A fall so high there would be maroon gore splattered everywhere, i might even knock off the person that climbs underneath me.

Killing us both.

[mybettertomorrow]

Its been so long since I’ve written here, but today it feels like something I should do.

Im in Paris now, studying. The last few months have felt unreal, almost as if this is a dream I’ll wake up from. Im finally doing the thing I was so terribly afraid and hungry for, and oh how I hope this is the way Im supposed to go.

I’ve loved this so far. My last days in Mx were odd, I didnt want to let go as it felt like I was jumping off a bridge into the unknown. But now I can’t imagine not jumping. The last month has been been filled with new emotions and a lot of growing up, in the best way. I feel like Im finally living.

However, things have been confusing. I feel like I should be missing my family and friends, but mostly I dont. I appreciate them more now that Im away, but Im almost grateful for the distance. And now, the main confusing thing, her. I have never felt like this before. It feels like I knew her from before, or like she knows me already. From the moment we met I felt so odd about her, but I thought it would go away or we wouldnt talk to each other. But it was the opposite, it only intensified and she made an effort to get to know me, which was just unbelievable to me. I feel like an idiot because I have no idea what to do about it, or if she feels similarly. In a way I think she does, but not in the way I do. Im terribly afraid of messing it up and making her dislike me, and that is making all my insecurities perk up. But I try to just be relaxed and honest, and so far it has worked. I just cant stop thinking about her. Whenever she’s around, she’s the only person I want to talk to. And I want to listen to anything she wants to say. Its stupid, but I finally understand so many lyrics and quotes that I thought were corny or unrealistic before. I get the whole “maybe if I loved you less I would talk about it more”. Not that I love her, but I feel completely interested in her. My heart feels at peace when she’s around, and my day is better when she’s in it. For a little while I thought i felt this way only because she’s basically the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, but I’ve realized it’s not that. It’s just her. However, I’ve been preparing for the last few weeks to get my heart broken. Not her fault, it’s just the way it seems the cookie will crumble. But I do hope I get to share my time a bit with her, for as long as she’ll have me.

X

[sh4llow-heart]

Wakeful Sleep \\ updated

Its a never ending cycle

but its one ive grown to know

So darling when you left

made sure not do to it slow

like a bandaid, ripped me apart hastily

To ensure i felt the burn before the skin began to grow

And to reminisce ill pick at the healing scab, to remind myself of the glow my eyes once had.

The fire in me temporarily enflamed becoming nothing but ash and cinder

reality that the brightness in my eyes have just as hastily washed away.

All the good I've known has left me, always withering away

All the good I've known has left me

here i always am to stay

It has been all i've come to know, The sadness has acquainted itself with me well so darling dont look to worry when you go, Stress lines have never suited your face

All the good I've known has left me

Im still a terribly messed up case

Let the healing process begin as the scab begins to fade, and though its existence on my body has managed to disappear, the recurrence of you in my mind is one that reality shall never let stray

The scars that haunt closed eyelids as i stare behind them intently, are the ones that hurt the most

the intangible pain left in your wake

multiplying in the crevices of my mind, with all the other good things that whispered they'd stay.

And as the scar upon my body becomes faint with each passing day, The should be washed out embers of you will continue to emanate.

they haunt me

in the most lovely and aching of ways.

Though you truly believed you'd stay, for quite a while longer anyway.

I know you believed just as much as i did, that you'd be gone with what felt like a matter of days.

Our thoughts were always going in two entirely different ways

in your absence you were supposed to stay, to still remain

Now you’re cold

the warmth I offer serves no purpose

And I dare visit your remains?

Tear stained as if I hold no fault in where you now lay.

It'll be okay.

All the good ive known has left me and deep down i knew you'd do the same

i kept one eye on you, and one on the clicking stopwatch bearing your name

With hands tugging at the bandaid, wishing it was the good, the you, that would instead remain.

And at night my whole being begins to run with the consistency of fluid

painted images of you, with them my eyelids are full and overflowing

The thought of you

keeps me awake in the deepest of unconscious, the feeling so real of dreaming lucid

if i could turn back, regress and not progress

time would be a concept that I'd never again let go to rest

But anyway

i knew deep down you couldnt stay

Wishful thinking that you'd wait

for me to put myself together before you tore me apart again

I'll see you in my sleep

the only place we are both awake.