#in practice its not always love and acceptance and i just cant deal with it

[suraiiya]

sometimes i really really miss the feeling of belonging that the inner monologue of 'im muslim' affords but then i get a glimpse of people tearing each other apart and quoting shit about Lot and homosexuality and i reluctantly sink back to where i am.

[blondwhxrewrites]

Tom would have you under the Iegilimacy curse and imperio curse from the start of your relationship

He cant risk it!from the second you defy him or god forbid you argue with him,hes drawing his wand from his robes and casting the legilimacy curse at you,making you his pretty,compliant doll.But thats not enough for the mysterious sadist,as he needs full control over you.Thats why he spells you with imperio.A few weeks after you begin to date him,youre a different person.More reserved,all wayslooking at Tom if someone asks you a question,always draped around his arn but although you see to lose all personality,your grades are perfect.Because how could he let his girl have such horrid marks?you need him!

He also reads your mind.Every day.He did it since he took an interest to you,but now its useless because he basically owns you.

But its ok,he's hot!

IDGAF if wandless magic isn't canon IT IS TO ME also don't worry you guys are gonna get a lot more of Tom controlling Dearest

If there was one thing Tom Riddle knew, it was the mind—a fascinating thing that not even the best of wizards could fully understand throughout the ages. It was, in its own way, beautiful. From an early age, he knew he had a gift, and it wasn't until Hogwarts that he realized the extent of it. From the countless books he read on the subject, the ability to read one's mind came naturally to him. And it had come to be useful in his endeavors, especially when it came to you. 

You—his dearest—and while Tom long since accepted he would never be capable of love, what he felt for you was close enough for him. He guessed most would say what he felt for you was obsession, a type of twisted love that consumed his whole being until there was nothing left but the thought of your, soft, fleeting touch on his skin.

"Dearest, we've talked about this," he watched in disinterest as you paced around the room, all pent up from a comment made earlier by one of your pathetic friends. Your thoughts were loud, practically screaming into his mind.

"But Tiffany has a point, Tom. You're controlling." 

You paused and stared at him, thrusting out your arms and waving them dramatically to accentuate your point, to which he scoffed and rolled his eyes.

Tom rose from his chair and stalked towards you, and your instincts screamed at you to cower away from him. Putting on a brave face, you stood your ground, and tilted your head up—he was way too tall.

You were determined today, huh? Two can play at that game.

"I'm not controlling, dearest. I just don't want you to get hurt by anyone, whether it be emotional or physical. I get worried." 

Your thoughts echoed throughout his mind, telling him how easily you were to believe his words. It was cute how open your mind was to his manipulation, like a lamb being unknowingly led to its slaughter. "I- I know but it gets suffocating having to deal with you whenever I want to go out."

He placed his hands on both of your shoulders, and sighed when he watched you flinch. You were always so reactant to his touch. Your voice had gotten weaker, and your gaze fell to the floor. Intimidation had always been a strong suit of his. "Now I'm going to need you to listen to me very carefully, dearest." He leaned down, and pressed a feather light kiss to the shell or your ear before whispering.

"imperio"

[beanghostprincess]

gonna throw my sanuso idea out here for u cuz i dunno what else to do with it. im no writer but its kinda like a fic idea about sanji subconciously reaching out for/touching usopp, using the excuse that hes just so enchanted by beautiful women he cant contain himself.

it kinda begins early on, shortly after they enter the grand line. whenever sanji is swooning over nami or whatever lady, he kinda flails and bumps shoulders with usopp, sorta leans into him while hes overwhelmed with his lovesickness. and overtime it evolves into him reaching out and putting his arm around usopp and pulling him in close while he dreamily sighs about how radiant robin and nami look.

eventually down the line, he uses his swooning as an opportunity to grab usopps hand and twirl him around in a little dance. he doesnt even really realize it, but it becomes less and less about the women and more about being able to take hold of usopp and be near him and dance with him.

meanwhile the whole time usopp cant decide if hes more annoyed or flustered or jealous or what to even make of it, but in the end hes glad to be able to be close to sanji too.

AWWW!! This idea is adorable because you can do so many things with it!! Sanji doing this unconsciously at first, always going for Usopp to dance with him or take his hand etc etc when he's daydreaming about one of the girls. And Usopp doesn't mind that much because he knows how Sanji is, so he just rolls his eyes and lets him do whatever. Sometimes he'd make a comment about it or hit him to wake him up, but usually, he just deals with him.

But, of course, we know that even in canon Usopp likes to tease and jokingly flirt with Sanji. So he starts to just... Flirt back and enjoy his shenanigans more and more because Sanji always goes to him when he does these things. And at some point, Sanji just enjoys being next to Usopp so he ends up doing it just because. He says it's for the joke and it's just having a fun time with his best friend, but it's more than that.

The thing is, I think they would end up flirting more and more without girls in the picture. Sanji brings snacks to Nami and Robin and Usopp says something like "Oh, no! What about your dearest sniper?" and Usopp does not expect Sanji to joke back and say "Of course, pretty boy, how could I forget about you? Silly me" and he actually already has a snack prepared for him. They will laugh at Zoro or Law pining over Luffy by holding each other close and imitating their voices dramatically and pretending to almost kiss and they- They genuinely have fun doing it. They're just silly like that. They end up getting closer and closer and Usopp makes jokes about Sanji not paying enough attention to him when everyone can see Sanji has been even ignoring the girls around just to flirt with Usopp.

The sniper doesn't realize, but Sanji is actually down bad and the fact that they're close enough now to even kiss or hold hands jokingly with no strings attached makes him so happy. He wants more, of course, but damn he'll take what he can get, honestly.

Thinking about Sanji actually falling in love with Usopp and being all worried about it in the end, to the point where he has this crisis about confessing. Usopp thinks (because he's oblivious and dumb) that it's because of Nami. So of course, he goes to Sanji and tells him to practice his confession with him. Because Usopp doesn't think he has any chance of being with Sanji. He has already accepted it. And this way at least he can help the one he loves.

Finally, Sanji makes this beautiful confession to Usopp, saying everything he feels out loud for once, and about to kiss him, and Usopp is like "Huh, I- I think you should keep the kiss for Nami, right? You wouldn't want to waste this on someone like me" and Sanji is literally so in love with him it hurts, so he says "It would be a waste to use it on somebody that isn't you" and they kiss. And they're happy. And I love them so much-

Now they become even more annoying because their way of flirting jokingly turns into actually flirting and being clingy and the crew is soooo done with them.

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

[suboptimal-xenobiologist]

Headcanons about the clown cult

aka hiveswap isnt canon it cant hurt me hiveswap explode now

HOWEVER, purplebloods are definitely the ones “running” the cult. Alongside the casteism that is already fundamentally built into trolls in general, higher blooded trolls are also seen as being more holy, in a way. Purples are the only ones allowed to actually gain authoritative positions in the clown church. You cannot have a lowblood pastor.

List will be updated as I think of more.

The cult is not full of murder purplebloods it is as far removed from the concept of a highblood group let alone a violent group as you can possibly get on alternia this shit is based on being equal as brothers in arms before the mirthful messiahs and whatever. The religion and its members are open and accepting to all castes and baseless murder is pretty much off limits. This aspect of the cult is considered just as stupid to the rest of alternia as the clown gods thing.

The “purple bloods in particular are encouraged to join the cult” thing is largely )(IC’s doing. The Experience that Gamzee had during murderstuck is very common among apostate highbloods (which it’s really hard not to be once you get shipped off to space), so by creating a self-sufficient factory of immortal clowns drunk on highblood rage, she ends up with an insane boost in her army’s strength.

Okay so back to the actual cult itself. The general teachings of the cult are hedonistic in nature, and strongly encourage the followers to develop a toxically positive mindset. “get wrecked on sugar instead of dealing with your problems.” “highbloods get zonked out of your mind to suppress highblood-rage.” “literally just don’t worry about anything the messiahs will take care of it” (this also makes it really hard for people to leave the cult of their own volition, since that would mean having to face The Horrors head on without a pre-built tolerance for them. Just checking off that last box on the BITE model.)

They actually glorify the whole “emotional masking” thing in a very literal way, which is where the face paint comes from. True to the clown code from real life, it’s essential that the makeup is 1.) always covering your face and neck when other trolls are around (beforian practices mandated that no unpainted skin should be visible but alternia is more lenient) and 2.) have a unique, consistent, and generally happy look. It’s both a symbolic and literal way of making sure you are constantly putting on a positive “performance”

The mirthful messiahs are not necessarily loving. Clowns believe that they bless their followers and whoever they deem worthy with miracles (which are real for some reason), and that they will one day eradicate everything in paradox space that they don't like.

The actual workings of miracles and chucklevoodoos are guarded to the grave by the high-ranking clowns who are allowed to know them, but they can be used by apostates (and frequently are in intergalactic war)

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

Tips for someone closeted abt their disabilities? Asking for a friend

hiiii !!! love you, i hope you are doing fine!

hmmm, THAT IS A COMPLICATED TOPIC YEAH... you can only mask so many of your struggles and a lot of it depends on the relationship you have with others and the enviroment you are in. i am not sure i can help, but i will ramble for a bit, okay!!

generally speaking:

1. keep in mind you do not need to tell someone. and if you can deal with it, especially if you are in a stressful risky enviroment where telling people could have repercussions on you, sometimes it can be beneficial to remain hidden. your identity really decides what you can and cant do in society 2. what also factors into this is whether you have a professional diagnosis. i am Very pro self diagnosis but unfortunately not everyone is and professional/school/uni enviroments just straight up dont really care. being taken seriously is always a huge struggle, no matter the disability/chronic illness. 3. seeing how your health is on the line, its usually good to be honest and upfront about it, since it can really help!!! its still definitely worth it, may that be to ask for accomodations, clear up confusion, or just to get it off your chest. its freeing!!

from my own experience, here is what i found:

i am always as upfront and unapologetic about it as possible. this is difficult and it takes practice but it is worth it. i feel like the more confident you appear, the more people are likely to instinctively take you seriously. + it always sets a sign to yourself and others to not treat the topic with any shame!!

people can be ignorant on accident, when they dont understand smth. so instead of describing what your disability does, i find it helpful to tell others how it affects your life and, if necessary, what they can do to help you/create a safer enviroment for you.

i think its generally good to start out by using easy terms and categories other people will instantly recognize before getting into the details. to be relatable, as the kids say and love to be. depends on the situation though. (like, for example, i have narcolepsy. no one knows what that is but if i tell people its a neurological disorder, that includes seizures and excessive exhaustion and tiredness, they instantly get a vague idea.)

be prepared to provide whatever the other end may accept as "proof". this is upsetting and it sucks. but you have to expect it unfortunately, even in casual enviroments. if you dont have anything official, a clear definition of how disability affects your life can help get the serious nature of the situation across.

you will find yourself explaining your disability over and over and over, so lay out a "battle plan" in your head that contains the most important information (symptoms, how it affects your daily life, which kinds of aid you need with it) it gets tedious but private people will often just.... forget. we all have our own lives and disability is usually unfortunately not a topic on peoples minds. (we can change that however >:))) )

this one sucks but. take care of yourself and be prepared to treat yourself better than the people who may push your away bc of this. i have ended many relationships with friends and family because they treated me terribly in relation to my disability. there are always people who will love and understand you.

if you know someone who already knows and supports you, it can help to have them be present. just as backup you know. and even if thats unnecessary, as emotional support.

as for any sort of school or work enviroment: gotta bite the bitter pill and just hand a docs diagnosis letter to people and ask for what you need. in relation to this, look up what sort of benefits/accomodations you can receive in your country and hand info on that in alongside the diagnosis. sometimes theres also local social services who can provide accessible info on this. you gotta be direct and demanding about it or no one will do anything, in my experience.

this got kind of lengthy, so i hope some of it is helpful somehow?!??! aaaaaaa

also, everything depends on the kind of disability ofc and the specific stigma related to it. my personal issue is people keep hitting me with the "wow i wish i could sleep as much as you do" (bruh,... my days are like 10h long. with maybe 4h i can "work" in. permanently) so i always try to lead the conversation in a way that wont give others a chance to attack me in predictable ways o|<

its genuinely super hard but necessary and sometimes extremely good for you to be open about your disability. the world wasnt made with us in mind but with more information and social acceptance, it can be. never let others get you down!!! youre strong as hell!!

[taylorscrows]

Rant (dont read the post if you dont like rants especially if its about parents. There is also a bunch of swearing so be warned)

I honestly dont know wtf is wrong with my parents like theyre over here making me feel like im a stupid dumb bitch lmao. Like when the fuck will i ever be enough for my parents like literally when??? They already cant even understand me and ive always accepted that but the least they can do is make me feel loved....thats literally it and ill be happy for the rest of my life. My dad is such a fucking hothead and my mom can never fucking face reality and tries to pretend that everything is fine even tho its not. Anytime i try to tell them that im feeling hurt by them all they do is guilt me until i fucking cry like bro-. Why is my dad's number 1 go to thing to do is get mad at me like what did i ever do to you. What sort of started this post is the fact that we got our report cards today and they keep on saying that they dont care what fucking grades i get as long as i tried my best and yada yada and i come home feeling so happy cause even tho i didnt get perfect grades i got relatively high grades but that wasnt enough for them and they told me that if i get something lower than a vg ( which stands for very good since we have a different grading system in our school) then im practically fucking worthless wtf (its not like they got good grades as well there was literally a time when my dad kept on talking about how he cheated on his exam and bla bla bla). And all they care about is me protecting their fucking image around relatives and other friends even tho ive been signaling to my grandma like yo all my dad does is get mad then one day i finally snapped and cried in front of my grandparents and my grandpanl fucking shouted at him and he kept on saying that he didnt do anything wrong (they are the best grandparents btw❤) and when we got home of course my mom will ultimately take his side cause i know fot a fact that my mom is terrified as shit of my dad so of course anything to make daddy happy. Also including the fact that instead of helping me figure out myself all they fucking do is keep me away from that. They are also so homophobic as fuck which realy hurts me cause i am part of the lgbtq community. Tumblr is literally my only escape from things. I hate them so much they also deteriorate my self confidence and self esteem( tho most of that deterioration is from my teachers but they just make it worse) fuck them honestly. I could literally just trip and fall to the ground and they would get mad at me and complain. I could literally be having a full blown panic attack and they would get mad at me saying that "big girls dont cry" like what kinda shitty thing is that. Also back them my life was such a mess that i was dealing with suicidal thoughts but they obviously didnt help with anything they just made it worse

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

OMG hiiii dw abt it at all! your answer is long enough and im so sorry :( i hope you feel better now/soon!!

thank youu omg well im in my first year so we do a bit of everything! some coding like coding websites and stuff and some written computer problems as well! (i would explain but it's kinda hard to and i suck at explaining so asdhkjasdhjh) its a bit of everything! programming (practical) and theory!

ahsdjkahsdkj owning two trousers is so real lmao i think i only own one pair ajskldsjad and they are flared so not fit for all weathers ajksdhkjsah they sound sooo cute! if you wouldnt mind sharing them, i'd love to see them! but thats totally up to you! i dont want to make you uncomfortable at all so the choice is yours! im just a lil nosy hehe

omg same when i was a kid i once ate like an entire chocolate egg in a day! the time after that was hell i was sooo sick but its worthh itttttt and yes exactly!! like whenever i was young i had school assemblies and they were all like 'i dont play to draw i play to win' and like yeah so real! as long as no ones too mean and harsh while being competitive then go nuts! i love a little competition!! stardew valley is more of like a relaxing game for me! also animal crossing but like i get so frustrated when i cant catch a fish asjkdhaskj fishing is HELLLLLL in animal crossing alksdjlksj

awww thank youu! your hair sounds beautiful the compliments are most definitely soo valid! my hair never reached that point when i was young tho bc its like SOOOO frizzy and fluffy it almost grows outwards rather than down askjdhkasjh so it was always kinda short and super fluffy ajsdskjh

i think stuff abt the modern day world i really hate is that almost everyones so pretentious nowadays like you see someone and youre like oh theyre nice speaking out abt this and turns out that its all hypocritical and shit but also that feels like its not exactly modern? so ill give another answer and that is INFLATION! everything nowadays is soooo expensive oh my god! and yes governments is so reall

hmm, smth in the next five years... this is sooo not related at all and im totally twisting the meaning of your question but my online friends ajsdhkajsdh okay but serious answer? i wish to see less labour! like yk sites that use fast fashion and stuff that force labour onto people and children and i want that to be addressed and reduced bc like. no. labour is bad how is it acceptable for people to pay such horrible wages to their workers who make them so much money!! that feels so cruel! what about you?

and my question for you: what is something in/from a person that makes them absolutely unacceptable in your eyes? (i dont think that makes sense lmao) basically if you were friends w someone, whats one thing they could do to make you immediately see them as a red flag or like not like them/block them immediately (apart from them saying the r word!)

byee have an awesome day!

-swiftie spring exchange anon!

Hello again! I am doing better atm - I've basically had like, one long bug for three weeks, and like...I'd start feeling better. Go to work. Get worse from the exertion. Have to miss work. Get better slightly, so go to work...yeah XD I do seem to be on the mend now, I've just got a bit of residual pain and cough, and some of my underlying issues are being a bit unpleasant. But I'm taking it XD I had to take almost a week off work last week but I think the prolonged rest helped.

And hey that sounds really cool though!! So guessing you're in uni then? How's that going? Where I am it's starting to come up to exam season, so the people that I know are in uni at the moment are all quite stressed, bless them.

I don't mind showing you them like, privately, but due to my style being quite...unique (by courtsey of making a lot of it) I try to keep it off public tumblr to some extent, just because anyone who knows me would know immediately this was me. Tbh it's not a big deal if they did, but since I work with kids I feel the need to be more careful with social media these days.

And ok but see, I have very straight hair, and I've always wanted frizzy/fluffy hair!! Sometimes I fear we just want what we don't have XD

I think the hypocrisy is related to the modern world however! Social media kinda encourages a very black and white thinking of things, and most things are not so black and white (I mean like, obviously if someone's like. "Haha, I want to murder babies"...that's not a black and white issue. But you get me XD) So you end up with people being like "x is always bad". Then they'll later be like..."this thing that's basically x is fine"?

Inflation is SHIT. Look when I moved into my current place my phone bill was exactly 10 quid a month. It's not like 13 something!! It's not the biggest hike, my energy bill has freaking doubled, but by nature of it starting at a solid 10 I can see the inflation so much easier. It's a 30% increase!!

And see I am very lucky, I have seen a few online friends! My gf and I met through tumblr, and I've got two close friends that by thankful virtue of being in the same country I've been able to meet quite a few times...I met one who I've since lost contact with sadly, but I'm hoping to meet a couple more! OH and one is in a ldr with one of my close friends so I'll see her when she comes here (well I should do) but idk when that would be yet.

And look I have SO many fast fashion complaints. A big reason why I do so much thrifting and sewing is because I just hate fast fashion. I know it's sorta popular in some circles to talk about the shit quality, but it's shit because companies are paying people like a penny a piece for it -.- I refuse to use places like shein and temu...

I think in the next five years...generally I'm wanting to see a shift in climate change. I have a lot of climate anxiety, and I'm hoping that we start getting actual change in how politicians and companies approach the issues?? I want more eco changes. More bikes, cheaper plant based food, less fossil fuels, etc...I also want my government to stop making life harder for no reason. They recently decided people who have visas to work in the care industry over here can't have their kids come from overseas too?? Like there are people who now have their kids in other countries cause of this shit??? If they're working here, they deserve their kids to be here. How is that not the default idea!!

Less generally, I'm hoping to see improvements in my personal life XD I want to see a couple doctors to get some shit sorted out, and I want to improve my art further, and sort out where exactly I'm going with my career.

And nah that makes perfect sense! Honestly I'm a bit of a pushover, I'll take a lot from people. I think mainly the things that will really make me go. Hm. I mean, if you're outright a really terrible person (like if you told me you murder babies for fun, to use my "terrible person" example from above XD) I'm not gonna be interested in talking to you, but that's kinda obvious. But I think the things that make me go "red flag" are usually more personal things based on past experience. For example, I knew someone once who would move my mobility aids away from me, and I'd be like...right well I can't. Move now. Please give them back. And they're one of the few people I've cut contact with. But tbh I feel like I probably need more boundaries, I just get like...what if I'm being too harsh on this person XD

What about you tho??

See you again soon, hope your day has been well when you see this!!

EDIT: I forgot to ask a question back!! D: If you could make one trivial change to the world what would it be? Has to be something small, like...renaming strawberries to be fluffleberries, or making bananas rainbow XD

[clanoffelidae]

personal, but overall positive! just under a read more bc i have chronic 'cant shut up disease' lol, just about how learning that i have adhd has explained so much and where i am right now on my path to healing from it all

a big part of my life recently has been learning to accept that i dont have much to show for my time

that so many of my friends are doing things and have all these wonderful crafts and skills to show for it

and i have nothing

i have my voice, i have my love for them and encouragement, but i dont have much to hold up next to their work and say 'see, i can make things too!'

because i havent made much

and thats perfectly fine! no one HAS to make things. so long as youre content, thats all that matters

but it can be upsetting because i WANT to make things

i WANT to be able to hold up what ive done next to my friends stuff and say ive made my own things, just like them

ive always wanted to make things, and i still do

but lately ive been having to come to terms with the fact that i havent, and that thats okay

because im still healing

because i went my whole life being praised for being clever and smart and advanced, for getting good grades and earning outstanding scholarships based solely on my academic abilities

and then crying because i couldnt focus on the material for the exam i had in half an hour and that no matter how much i physically forced myself to pay attention to it and tried to read it out loud to myself my brain was refusing to process the information and it was slipping through my fingers like sand

and dealing with this for years, never understanding how everyone else could just hang out and study regularly and i always had to beat my brain black and blue to get it to focus long enough to learn a single thing, thinking it was all my fault because clearly the problem was an inherent flaw in my personality and i was just a lazy and no good person who was immature and would never grow up and that i guess i didnt care because everyone was saying that if i cared id be working on it and i thought i cared an awful lot but they cant all be wrong so i guess i dont actually care about anything because nothing else makes sense...

that i was constantly running on pure adrenaline because that was the only way i was able to accomplish ANYTHING

there was no 'work on it slowly over time'

i'd be spaced out daydreaming, or listening to music while pacing the halls up and down and up and down and up and down for literal hours, from the moment i got off classes to a short break for dinner to right back to it until i forced myself to go to bed

just walking and walking and pacing and pacing and listening to music and daydreaming bc that was the only thing my brain was happy with

and looking back now, my god, i was acting like a tiger whose entire enclosure is a small concrete box three times its body length and so all it can do is pace back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

and by the time i graduated college i was so broken the mere thought of more schooling filled me with sheer dread, where i was so tired and worn down i barely even understood what i was doing anymore, i didnt want anyone to explain the 'why' or the 'how' of what it was they wanted me to do, i just wanted them to tell me what to do and leave me alone because even that was so close to more than i could handle

i couldnt take care of myself and had to be hassled at every turn to accomplish things i NEEDED to do, because they were hard and i couldnt do them until i was practically yelled at

and the thing is that im still doing that

not to the same extent, god no. i actually manage to keep relatively on top of my chores now, ive gotten into the routine of brushing my teeth every day properly, making sure i take a shower and moisturize (to be fair thats mostly because my hands are dry as shit bc i work in a lab lol, so they need lotioning after my shower), taking my meds, forcing myself to always eat SOMETHING at every meal time even if i cant manage what i 'should' eat, and ive started cooking again

not much, and its rare that i even extend my reach from 'grilled cheese' to 'boxed foods that require like 20-30 minutes instead of 5', but im starting to make food again and feed myself properly instead of either buying premade meals or just hoping i dont drop dead from whatever im hastily scarfing down with no thought to the nutritional value of it

im working on getting medicated and slowly learning how to be a person again after crashing myself so hard i think the only reason i didnt contemplate something more extreme is because i nearly died in 2019 and will never take one moment for granted

but my primary free time activity is still pacing and listening to music, lost in my own head and wearing a path into my apartment's floor

(hey im getting my steps in lol)

but i understand why now, and i understand why it can be so hard for me to pull myself away from that and make myself do other things

(if i were an ancient being i think i would be the one who walks endlessly without rest while softly singing a neverending song)

and that its not my fault, its not something wrong with me as a person in terms of my own personality or maturity or how hard im trying, its not something i can really control

and that part of learning how to heal from the damage its caused me is learning how to forgive myself for it

and so no i dont have much to show for my time, no i dont have many hobbies or little crafts to show for how productive i am and all my thoughts and all the wonderful little things i can and want to make

im too busy healing and remembering what its like to be alive

if i get one or two little things done here and there over the course of a few months that i can hold up and say 'look!!! i made something!!!' then thats wonderful, if not, if i come out those months with nothing to show for it and all i can say is 'i fed myself and brushed my teeth and went to bed on time and did my chores' then by god that is so much more than i wouldve been able to say a year and a half ago

no im not much of a 'content creator', even if i have so many ideas and want to make so many things that i want to share with so many people

and thats okay

because ive got something else that needs my time and energy right now

me

edit: want to clarify that by 'not something i can control' i mean that while i can find tricks and ways to make things easier to work WITH my adhd rather than against it i cant help having it and i cant help the fact that my brain is now wired differently because of it and that i cant do things in the same way as everyone else as a result

[okeyducki]

I never would have thought id have to come back here.. but oh well.

I think It’s coming back. The endless amounts of what feels like internal insanity. I feel fine and as if nothing is wrong. Yet i feel as if i am breaking in half from the inside out, slowly breaking my emotions.

I hardly have the energy to talk to my friends anymore nor do anything else that i normally do. Everything is becoming so dull and i feel numb to it because im horrendously bored. I can’t even do anything to get rid of the boredom because anything i try to do i just lose any energy or motivation i have. I want to stay in bed all day due to not wanting to do anything, but at the same time it would make me feel mentally worse because it would be off schedule. I’ve been dealing with this for god knows how long and i dont know why. I dont know why everything has become so boring to me. I just want to give up. If i could give up life without dying i would. Id just vanish into thin air, turn into ash and get swept into the wind.

I thought i was getting better and things were getting better for me, but the past keeps reminding me it exists when i normally dont care. Why do i care now?

Now i look at all my friends and see how the majority of them are doing good in life. For example, Leopard finally has her life together, olives in a band and their mom knows about anthony, Eris grades are higher then they used to be.

I look at olive and as glad as i am to know that they wont turn out like me.. i wonder why i cant be like them. Its the same with leopard. She has a group of friends and a therapist and parents who accept trans people.

I wish. I WISH. I had that. The amount of envy i have for some people is disgusting. I normally dont worry about it, but as of lately I’ve been stepping back to not be the “im fine LMAO” friend anymore. Because as much as i know my life isn’t horrible, i know it fucking sucks. I wish my mom wasn’t transphobic. I wish she wasn’t racist. I wish i could trust her and not have to lie to her. I wish i was able to go out with my friends on walks. Hell i wish i had friends. The only one i have left is sophia. I wish i was able to comprehend what the hell i was doing so i would be better at doing school and not procrastinating.

The thing is, i look at my friends, leopard, sophia, olive, and jmoney to be specific, and It just makes me feel sad.

Leopard sees me as the brother shes always wanted and she could genuinely be comfortable around me, that and im the only person she has left

Sophia, the same thing. Im also the only person she has left.

Olive, the kid looks up to me like a father.

Jmoney is genuinely in love with me and he worships me like a fucking god. He practically said im the only thing making life livable.

If so many people think highly of me and think im a good person.. why do i fail to see it.

and why do I have to be there for others when nobody will be there for me. I don’t have anyone to depend on. but oh my friends do

They have me.

In that case I’m the only person i have. I only depend on myself, and even thats a bad idea.

Im done. If i have anything to add ill come add it

[nerdie-faerie]

My parents: *gathering us for a family meeting*

Me internally, knowing there's only two reasons we have family meetings: either someone's dead or mum's pregnant

Mum: we're having a baby!! :)

Me and my two teenage brothers:

My sister: not another brother!

Preschool brother: more brothers! more brothers! more brothers! more brothers! more brothers! more brothers!

Middle brother:

[beann-e]

haikyu characters with insecure s/o

inarizaki boys with insecure s/o

⚠️ tw mentions of slight ed

suna

-I doubt that he’ll care based on his personality. Most likely he wouldn’t even notice I know people like to say ‘ well when he really cares about someone’

-no .. I genuinely think he won’t care if you believe him or not because to him why would he be dating you if he didn’t think you were an all around great perosn

Your boyfriends eyes looked up from his phone legs twitching in anxiousness as he followed your soft eyes across the room landing on a girl that sat at the far end of the restaurant.

Your hand coming up so you could fiddle with it looking out the corner of your eye to find suna already looking at her

‘ god I knew it — he is looking at her kinda hard not to when she takes up the whole room ‘

You felt your body grow hot as you imagined yourself looking like her.

What would it be like to be her height, to be her weight and not have people talk about you , what would it be like to have a clear conscience free of self doubt ?

You sighed as you nibbled on the inside of your cheek trying to get out of your explosive mind. Breath only quickening when you felt sunas face turn to you before he scoffed and looked back to his phone in interest

“ tch her shoes are untied “

your eyebrows furrowed “ w-what “ your eyes darted over to the girl before dropping to her shoes “ h-her shoes are untied “

you shook your head before speaking “ but suna isn’t — don’t you think she’s pretty “

“ her shoes are untied “

“ yeah but — she’s pretty ? I don’t understand “

“ her shoes are untied “

“ what the hell suna why is that what you care about when she’s going on a remarkable height and she’s beautiful with clear skin that I work super hard to get I mean you’ve seen me try to every night with my routines “

he shook his head as if not listening to you before continuing to play a game on his phone that seemed to have all his attention

“ baby her shoes are untied “

“ what does— “

“ if she cant do something as small as tying her own shoes who’s to say she can care about any of the small things that I find important in a relationship “

your eyebrows relaxed “ I understand it may not seem like a big deal to you because you think she’s beautiful so her shoelaces don’t matter but if she can walk around with open shoe laces — who’s to say she won’t walk around with an open relationship? “

he made his character move around the screen as he sighed “ little things go a long way in my book and they mean a lot to me first impressions are everything “

You watched as his face remained stoic while he spoke in disinterest “ I don’t like hers “

you somewhat felt discouraged if he felt this strongly about shoelaces what did he feel about you ?

what about when you forgot to wash a dish ?

what about when you forgot to take a shower or even brush your hair that day ?

what if you’d forgotten to tie your shoes would he hate you and want to break up?

you moved slowly to push yourself away from the table trying to see if your shoelaces were tied only for sunas voice to come out In deep authority his annoyance playing in his voice next to you

“ stop babe your wearing flats “

you bit your bottom lip in fear he sounded annoyed and genuinely exhausted . You couldn’t help it just so many things were running through your mind that you may have done wrong

he moved to set his phone down on the table the word loser sprawled across the screen you knowing he gave up his gameplay for you making you feel even worse knowing that he’d never stop playing on his phone for anyone else

You bit harder at your lip as he turned to you his hands coming up right one to cradle your face and left to try to pull your lip from you teeth’s deathly hold

“ y/n come on let go “

you felt your body give in releasing your lip that had started to bleed you hadn’t even noticed how hard it was tucked away

he rubbed the small amount of blood away with his thumb onto a napkin wiping his hand off afterward to look into your eyes as he squished your face

his words having meaning as he spoke looking deeply into your eyes “ your fine y/n — you tie your shoelaces babe I swear “

Osamu

- Hes a bit more chill about it but also spots it quickly and immediately shuts it down. He hates you feeling insecure and will do nearly anything to make the feeling go away including giving you his lunch.

-but over time you stop accepting his lunch and that’s when he knows he needs to put his foot down because this insecurity thing is getting out of hand

“ y/n why aren’t you eating “

you smiled softly as you brung your head away from your boyfriend hands outstretched in a no motion as your eyes sprinted around the cafe looking for the one person who held everything you wanted

“ come on baby — your rice it’s getting cold “ his whiny voice came out as he clawed at your waist trying to pull you closer to him to get you to look at his pouted face.

“ fine whatever then i’ll just eat it all and i’ll never make you lunch again “ he puffed out as he moved to steal your second plate away he’d given you thinking it would encourage you to eat your first only for you to squint your eyes at a table in front of the both of you

His body moving on instinct to follow your eyes as you stared curiosily at the table.

His body turning hard as he noticed what was happening ‘ fucking hell ‘ he thought as he pushed the plate back in front of you ‘ again ‘

He moved to place his head on your shoulder speaking “ god look at ‘er she doesn’t even have any rice “

you tried to drown him out as he continued “ can you imagine actually enjoying yer lunch with no rice “ he scoffed “ almost sad “

he smiled as he dug his forehead into your shoulder “ but you eat rice baby “ he moved to kiss and nip at your neck “ and I love you for it your my rice baby “

“ r-rice baby “ he laughed “ osumu what is that babe“

“ ah I see that’s all it took huh ? “

“ hmm “

“ to get your attention away from the girl who lacks rice“

your eyebrows went down as you stared at her more.

Eyes racking over her plate before you looked down at yours eyes almost tearing up at that alone “ babe “

“ yes y/n “

“ can you go ge—just go get me a milk I swear i’ll drink it all “

he sat still for a moment forehead pressed to your neck before it fell to your shoulder and he finally dragged it down to the table.

His arm covering it giving his head its own home

“ hmm osumu babe can you do that i’ll give you the money back I swear I won’t waste it “

his voice came out soft as he hid his nervous emotion from you his bottom lip tucked away in his teeth right hand fidgeting with his pants

“ n-no you have to eat “

“ but osumu ple— “

“ e-eat first and i’ll go get the milk “ his eyes were creased in concern he knew he couldn’t look at you he would give in for the 5th time this week and just suck it up and go get the milk and leave you to eat no lunch and go all day without something to eat

“ I swear if you eat your lunch and f-finish it “ he started moving his legs in anxiousness

what if you hated him

“ then i’ll go get the milk “

“ why — “ you ripped your face away from the girls plate and turned to look at the back of your boyfriends head

“ osumu why are you doing this please — can you just go get the milk I didn’t bring my lunch card and I don’t have any money right now“

his leg moved up and down faster “ shit “ he let out quietly he knew he was cornered

“ baby I swear i’ll eat the lunch after the milk — swear it “

he knew there’d be no time for you to.

You’d have to eat one or the other and he just knew you would choose the milk

You two always did this he would give in and then go get it and come back and the bell would ring and you would leave your bento box and he would end up taking it home to stuff it full of the next days lunch

While he watched as you sat unhappily for the rest of the day.

Him hearing your stomach growling only for you to pass it off as the volleyball he just smacked down in his practice game

“ y/n babe — my love I can’t “

your body shook at his words

he can’t ?

“ you don’t have any lunch money or your card either ? “

he chewed into his lip harder “ no-no y/n I just I don’t want to “

your heart broke “ but osamu i’m hungry “

“ then eat the lunch I made for you in the bento box that you didn’t eat out of yesterday “

“ I—I don’t want that I want milk please “

“ why “ he got louder “ why do you want the milk huh“

“ because I “ you shut your mouth as he was now screaming to the ground his head still covered

could he not look at you ?

“ you don’t want the milk just because you want it you want the milk because that chick with no rice only drinks milk —- you want to be like her or some shit I know —I see it “

your heart dropped as it felt like your body had been weighed down “ what no I — I don’t “

“ yes you do why else are you always staring at her — you started working out — only drinking milk because she does it’s almost like she’s your inspiration isn’t that what you call it your body inspo“

“ i— osumu how dare you “

“ how dare I ? “ he laughed as his head whipped up to face you obvious hurt in his voice

“ how dare you when you make me watch you suffer and then you say shit like it’s fine i’ll eat at home only for me to call and your outside working out “

he grabbed your hands “ y/n baby this isn’t good ok you like food you love it so why are you so against it now “

you looked away as he pulled you into a hug

“ I know I can’t make you do anything but — please just eat your food today and then i’ll get you milk afterwards ok “

he moved to press a small kiss to your forehead as he moved the plate in front of you over “ let’s start working on ourselves today “

he placed the chopsticks in your shaky hand as he brung them up for a kiss “ we’ll create our own body inspo yeah ? “

[t0shii]

could i make a request for Suna, Iwa, and Atsumu where theyre s/o is like scared of the future. like thinking about the future and being an adult scares them, but its also scary that they have no idea how to survive as an adult and what job they want to do so they could pay theyre bills and make money.

(it could be girl pronouns or gender neutral pronouns i dont mind either)

hq boys comforting you when you're scared about the future

suna rintaro, iwaizumi hajime, miya atsumu x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, nail picking (iwa), lightly proofread

SUNA RINTARO he definitely shares your fear so he understands exact how you feel.

sitting at your desk, you had your head in your hands trying your best to stop your tears before your boyfriend got to your house after his volleyball practice. lost in thought, you hadn't even noticed he entered the room until he was leaning down next to you with his hand on your back. "baby what's the matter?" his question only made you cry a little bit harder as you turned in your chair to wrap your arms around waist.

he waits before asking you, "what happened, baby?" until your sobs have quieted down. "i'm scared rin." you say dryly, throat hoarse from your earlier breakdown. "scared of what?", "the future." he lets your answer sink in before saying anything further. "the future huh, hmm. actually so am i.", he says causing you to look up at him with teary eyes. "really?" he nods his head yes, "yes really. but you know, no matter what, i'll always be here for you. you know? there's no need to worry about it right now. i know it's scary, stressful and all that other bad shit but we'll always have each other, just remember that when you feel yourself start to worry too much."

MIYA ATSUMU is actually terrified of the future also so knows your struggles

he was driving you home when he noticed you being unusually quiet, so he knew there was something up. "angel, you feeling okay?" he asks, squeezing the hand he had on your thigh. "hm? 'm fine 'tsum. just thinking about stuff." you say, giving him a small smile but he really wasn't buying it. "you can tell me if there's somethin' wrong, babe.", you nod your head, "i know i know. it's really not a big deal though, really. i was just thinking about the future and how scary it is that we have no control over it. y'know? it's scary." you admit, and he cant help but feel his heart break.

"angel, ya know that no matter what, present or future i'll be with ya the whole time. so you really don't need to worry.", "i know but i can't help but feel anxious about it." you say, biting your lip. "baby, i want you to know that i feel the same way. im scared of the future too. do ya wanna know what comforts me when i'm feeling upset over it?" you respond with an, "mhm" and he continues, "what makes me feel better, is knowing i'll always have you no matter what. so anytime you find yourself worrying over it, just think of me and how much i love you."

IWAIZUMI HAJIME has his own share of anxieties so he understands you completely

you picked at your nails as you sat on your boyfriends bedroom floor whilst he did his homework, it was basically routine at this point. you had been lost in your own thought when he had turned his chair around to look at you, "hey stop that." he scolds, probably a little louder than he had intended, a frown evident on his face. you look up at him and immediately, a pout contorts onto your face and your eyes begin to water. immediately, his face softens"oh no angel, c'mere i didn't mean to shout at you." he says opening for you to embrace, which you accept. he lets you cry into his shoulder for a few minutes.

"please tell me what's bothering you." he rubs your back softly, waiting for you to answer, not minding how long you needed, saying a soft, "tell me when you're ready." so you do," i'm just anxious about, y'know.. what the future will be like." you confess, causing him to sigh lightly. "oh baby, i understand. but guess what.", "what?", "as long as we're together you'll never have to worry about the future because i'll be here for you the entire time without fail. you know that right?"

a/n tysm for the request! i hope u enjoyed <3 p.s. i stress aht the future often as well so if this is something you worry abt ur not alone & it's completely normal. ily <3

[ethernetchord]

lets talk: popular iwwv criticism

(disclaimer: i know criticism is subjective and thats why im doing this, i wanna look at some common points made against iwwv and dissect them just a little bit in the opposite direction. also none of this is directed at any individual- it’s all based on the general talking points i’ve seen surrounding the book.)

SPOILER WARNING !!

lack of exploration into james and oliver (+ gay characters feel performative)

i’ve seen loads of people say that oliver and james’ relationship felt very performative, a way of including the queer romnce which clearly is very important to the plot but not actually giving it any space in the novel, nor developing it to the same extent which meredith/oliver was.

oliver and meredith had a very strictly physical relationship and while he did love her, he wasn’t in love with her the way he was with james. the juxtaposition in the way that oliver/james is delivered and the way meredith/oliver is delivered is, i believe, far too repetitive to not be intentional. i actually realised upon re-reading how much focus there really is on meredith’s sexuality, even in subtleties in the book. meredith and oliver get more blatant sex scenes, get more physical parts because oliver was (to an extent) using his attraction to meredith to distract himself from his infatuation with james.

we also have to remember that oliver and james didn’t get their real moment of honesty about their relationship till extremely late into the book. i’d honestly see it as more ‘performative’ to then after or in the middle of kind lear throwing in some wild sex scene between the two. it wouldn't have fit.

“why didn’t james and oliver get together earlier then >:(((“ because the slow burn between them, the subtext, the subtle-ness, the yearning, they were all crucial to the decision which oliver made at the end. the fact that they burned so bright for each other but (oliver particularly) were so desperately repressed, that was what made this such a tragic romance. yes its tiring to read stories about queer people being repressed, yes its tiring to see the bury your gays trope. but like oliver says, it goes beyond gender.

if oliver’s second love interest was a girl, and treated this way, we’d be a lot more on board with these tropes- but the fact that james is a man, and this therefor becomes a queer relationship, makes it feel performative. i can’t convince you of anything- but i like to believe that their relationship being treated like this not only makes it so much more “heart wrenching because why! why couldn’t it work out, why couldn’t it be better!” - not because its a queer relationship but because they were soulmates.

alexander wasn’t performative. not in the slightest, rio just didn’t make being gay his entire identity. same goes for colin. just because they’re queer doesn’t mean it needs to be the only thing about them. this isn’t a lgbt novel- characters dont have to be gay just for plot. they can just be gay.

i’ve also seen people complain about not just making oliver bisexual. guys. did you read the book? he was bisexual. he was emotionally and physically attracted to both meredith and james. guys that’s literally what bisexual means.

i'm totally on board with the coming out scenes! and realisation of feelings and all that stuff- but again, not an lgbt centric novel and also- these were things oliver probably did and realised far before this book. remember that its set in 4th year, at an art school. he knew he was fruity ok. not every queer character in every queer book have to have these grandious coming out scenes or realisations. the lack there of doesn’t equal performance.

the ending was rushed and bad

believe what you will, but i don’t think james is dead. there’s a little too much ambiguity in that ending, in the extract he leaves oliver, in the “his body was never found.” so if your main quarrel with the ending is that “bury your gays” situation- please know there’s a chance- and that giving it that chance opens up so much more discussion and reader response.

yes, the ending is sad. but it’s not rushed. “but that is how a tragedy like ours or king lears breaks your heart- by making you believe the ending might still be happy until the very last second.” doing king lear, doing macbeth, doing romeo and juliet, the plays are chosen not only for reader convenience (they’re plays readers will most likely be familiar with) but also because they all, so very deeply, foreshadow a “bad” ending. killing james, makes sense. as much as people don’t want to hear it, from an authorial perspective- from the reader’s perspective and as a human being it makes sense. why do keep arguing that he “should’ve stayed alive for oliver” or that “if he really loved oliver he wouldn’t have done it” - why are we limiting a character’s entire existence down to their love interest. yes, they were best friends, yes they were set up as lovers but that doesn’t mean that that would be enough to keep james around. james was a fragile character- he was always checking with oliver if he had upset him, he was always worried, overthinking, james wasn’t strong minded- and he was suffering. the only person he had left to depend on was in prison, he was plagued with the guilt of causing the death of a classmate and letting oliver take the blame, if he did kill himself, it sure as hell doesn’t have any reason to sound forced.

“its not nearly as good as the secret history!!!!”

to be honest here buds, why the fuck do we keep comparing them so insistently. they are not the same book. iwwv wasn’t trying to be tsh 2.0, yes there are similarities because hey! guess what! books in similar genres tend to do that! always comparing it tsh when they have different motives, different plots and vastly different execution makes no sense. the only reason that they are compared is because tumblrtm dark academics like to group the two together. and yea- makes sense, but stop trying to belittle iwwv because it isn't as grandiose as tsh, because it’s a little more literal, because it’s not as intertextual as tsh. half the people saying iwwv isn’t as good as tsh are practically just subtly going “shakespeare isn’t as complicated as ancient greek huehue” stop forcing the two together and let them be separately appreciated.

the characters were flat/archetypes/etc

sigh. okay.

these characters are actors. this book shows us their transition from themselves entirely into a conjunction of the roles they’ve played and the stereotypes they’ve portrayed.

“we were so easily manipulated - confusion made a masterpiece of us.”

“for us, everything was a performance”

“imagine having all your own thoughts and feelings tangled up with all the thoughts and feelings of a whole other person. it can be hard, sometimes, to sort out which is which.”

“far too many times i had asked myself whether art was imitating life or if it was the other way around”

“it’s easier now to be romeo, or macbeth, or brutus, or edmund. someone else.”

are you seeing it now? this focus on their archetypes, this focus on the character they are; the way they see themselves not merely as human but as a walking concoction of every character they have turned into and out of. they depend on their archetypes to give them meaning. rio uses these archetypes to remind us of the submersion of her characters. they weren’t flat, their intentional lack of dimension due to their pasts is what makes them so intricate. furthermore, there's an evident subversion- the tyrant becomes a victim, the hero becomes a villain (they all become villains really), the ingenue becomes corrupted. like mentioned before, i think we forget ourselves easily reading this book but there is a great deal of emphasis on this being their last year- which is so important. the damage has been done and a lot of the issues people have with the content (or lack thereof) in this book has to do with the fact that it’s all things that would have occurred in books focusing on previous years at delletcher.

“it didn't live up to expectation” (also leading on from read tsh to this and being ‘disappointed’)

i cant argue this because its entirely subjective. whatever expectation was created for you, i cannot know that and appropriately respond however- if you liked the secret history and understood the secret history then there's a good chance you also liked and understood this book- even if not to the same extent but you must be able to recognize the authorial approach and its significance. i think a lot of ppl read iwwv (and a lot of “dark academia” texts and films) and hope to be able to romanticize the aesthetic or the concepts and then are disappointed when they are presented with mildly unlikeable and overwhelmingly human characters who aren’t easy to romanticize.

a great majority of these books are criticisms of the very culture you’re trying to romanticize, and the only time you’re willing to admit that is when boasting about the ‘self-awareness’ of the people indulging in them, and then a moment later complain about those same qualities because they don’t serve this idealized expectation.

bad rep for arts/liberal arts/ humanities students as being pretentious/cultish

as a humanities student with a great love for eng lit- all of these things are indeed pretentious and cultish. not all the time and not always and not every person- but it is a common theme. academia is overwhelmingly obsessive and extremely white-washed. people become so fast to believe that they are indulging in finer arts and are therefore a higher standard of person. academia is problematic. and the recent influx of people interested in it is good, very good because hopefully, we’ll be more diverse, more open-minded, more accepting. that's what i hope at least. if you know, as an individual, that you’re not a pretentious academic who places themselves above non-academics then that's wonderful- but there are dangers and negative sides to academia that need to be understood so that we can see to not perpetuating them.

i cant refute all points, mostly because there's a lot of good and well-explained criticism because no book is perfect. and my intentions are not to belittle anyone's opinion. these are merely opposing arguments, food for thought and to be fair- a critical look into why not everything is always going to be what we expect of it and why every ‘problem’ can be assessed.

[cryingoverafictionalcharacter]

Fred Weasley x Reader

 Prompt: The three times Fred knew he fell for you, and the one time he told you he loves you.

A/N: I absolutely love this prompt, I’ve seen it a couple times before but if your the creator of it please let me know so I can give you credit. Also credits to the owner of this gif!

Warnings: My longest fic ever, So many commas, Fluff, maybe angst but not really, Fred being cute, you being cute, both you and Fred being oblivious to your feelings, swearing bc its me, I think that’s it

It all started sixth year. Fred was sitting across the room from you in potions, one of the only classes you had together. You knew each other pretty well, being in the same house and year as each other, but you didn’t really get to know each other until year five, when a certain incident brought you together.

You were working on a potion, trying to read the directions as you simultaneously poured in your ingredients, before looking up and seeing you were accidentally putting in dragons horn instead of dragon claw. You started flipping through you book frantically, causing Snape to walk over.

“Something the matter Y/L/N” He said in his monotone voice, but before you could answer, your potion exploded, causing thick purple slime to cover the both of you.

The class went completely silent, not daring to speak, except for Fred, who after a few seconds was kneeled over laughing.

“Ten points from Gryffindor, and both Y/N Y/L/N and Fred Weasley will be spending the rest of the day in detention” Snape said, dismissing the class before excusing himself to exit to his office, leaving Fred to look at your purple covered self, only to be surprised when you let out a chuckle.

“He’s a lot less scary when he’s purple” You said to Fred, which caused both of you to fall into a new wave of laughter, before you pulled out your wand and muttered a quick cleaning spell.

Fred watched noticing you had missed a spot in your hair, making Fred cross the room over to you and reach to remove the last bits of goo out of your hair, which was surprisingly soft.

You laughed before thanking him and going to collect your things so you could go do whatever tasks Snape had in store for you. Fred watched as you moved your hair behind your ear, and couldn't help but notice how his heart rate picked up.

The next time Fred knew he had fallen for you was much more obvious. You and Fred had become good friends since the potions incident, and he had even let you help with some of his and Georges pranks every once in a while. You three were beginning to get along very nicely.

One night though, Fred and George were up late working on a new type of fire work in the common room, which involved using just the right amount of possibly explosive materials.

This obviously ended badly, sending fireworks flying around the room and causing quite a bit of noise. You probably wouldn’t have noticed if you were asleep, a good bit of soundproofing between the common room and your dorm room, but because you were already awake, having had trouble falling asleep, you heard the sound and assumed the worst, running out of the dorm and down the stairs.

“What's going on?!” You said once you reached the common room, eyes landing on the two boys who were ducked behind one of the couches, and covered in a bit of ash.

“New project” George said smiling looking over to Fred, expecting to join in on his explanation, but Fred was just staring at you. You had run down in a rush and didn’t bother to get changed, so you were still in a tank top and short shorts, causing Fred's brain to pretty much short circuit.

He had always found you attractive, but he had never really seen you in anything accept your robes for classes, so suddenly seeing so much skin was certainly a change.

You didn’t notice Fred's staring, but George certainly did, coming to his brothers rescue and elbowing him, snapping him out of his trance.

“Huh? Oh yes, fireworks, got a bit carried away” Fred said, trying to recover from the seemingly obvious ogling.

“Working with dangerous explosive without me” You said, putting a hand to your chest and putting on a fake sad face “and here I thought we were friends”

“We were planning on inviting you but-” Fred said, suddenly flustered over that he may have hurt your feelings.

“I’m kidding Fred, sheesh what's gotten into you?” You said smiling and shaking your head. “Maybe all that gun power has finally gotten to your head”

“Yeah probably” Fred said, trying to laugh it off.

“Well, I’m off to bed, try to keep it down” You said, before saying goodnight and heading to your room.

“That was painful to watch” George joked, causing Fred to look at him

“How do you mean?” Fred asked

“You’ve got it baaaaad” George said, causing Freds face to heat up before he wacked his younger brother on the shoulder.

“Shut up” Fred said, causing a laugh to erupt from George

After that night George was doing everything in his power to get the two of you together. Leaving the room whenever it was just you three, tripping you so you would fall into Fred, on top of many other things. Sure George thought you two would make a good couple, but to see the flustered look on his brothers face whenever you were near him was enough to keep it going, despite you being completely oblivious to him liking you.

The weekend had finally rolled around, and you and a few friends, including Fred and George, were headed to Hogsmeade to do some shopping and just to have a few hours away from the school grounds.

You were walking with Fred and George, doing some window shopping just as it started to snow.

“Ah shit” You said, looking at the falling particles. You loved the holiday season, but you did not handle cold well. You were already wearing two sweaters and could already feel yourself starting to get cold.

“What's the matter Y/N?” Fred asked, looking down to see you wrapping your arms around yourself.

“Its nothing” you said, trying to seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out you were cold.

“Speaking of nothing, I need to go get some supplies for some new prototypes, so I’ll leave you to it” George said, quickly parting from the group, but not before sending Fred a quick wink, noticing how George was holding his wand.

“That little” Fred muttered to himself, finally figuring out that George started the snow in the first place.

“What was that?” You said, looking up at Fred, a slight red tint starting to dust over your cheeks as the air got colder. Fred couldn’t help but look a few seconds longer than he should have, thinking about how cute you looked.

“Oh nothing” Fred excused, continuing to walk next you you past the shops. 

After a few more seconds, he noticed your arms wrapping more tightly around yourself, slightly shivering as a particular gust of wind shocked your body with cold. Without thinking, Fred put his arm around you, pulling you closer to him.

You started warming up, his body heat surrounding you almost instantly. You could feel the muscles of his arm underneath the fabric of his sweater as he pulled you even closer to him, causing your face to suddenly heat up. Quidditch practice really had its rewards.

“Is this ok?” Fred asked, noticing your changed expression. you nodded

“Yeah, its actually really nice” you said, wrapping your arm around him as well and leaning your head on his shoulder a bit.

You spent the rest of the day like that, snow falling around the two of you, arms around each other, feeling butterflies swarming your stomach. You had always found the older Weasley twin attractive, but you hadn’t really thought of him romantically until now, and you didn’t completely hate it.

“Warmer yet?” Fred asked, causing you to snap out of your haze.

“Much, thank you” You said, looking at Fred to see a mischievous look on his face. 

“Good” He said, before suddenly plopping a snowball on your head. where had he gotten that?!

“Oh... so this is how its going to be” You said, kneeling down to form your own snowball, picking it up and looking at Fred.

“Now Y/N, lets not get to hasty” He started, before he was dodging a snowball aimed right at his face.

“Get ready to pay Weasley!” you yelled, chasing him, throwing snow balls at each other, laughing the whole time before you suddenly fell flat on your back.

“I cant, I surrender” you said through laughs, trying to catch your breath

“So what you’re saying is that I’m the best snow ball player in the world” Fred said, making you roll your eyes.

“Shut up and help me” You said, holding out your hand for Fred to help you up, but as soon as he grabbed it you pulled him down, causing him to land next to you, causing you both to fall into a fi of laughter.

“That was so evil” Fred said from beside you, after you had both finally composed yourselves.

“Nah you love me” You said, causing Fred to tense a bit beside you at the sudden realization that, he actually might. Before he could say anything tough, you had slapped another snowball to his chest, getting up and running in the opposite direction.

“Race you back!” You said, causing Fred to laugh, before standing and chasing after you, all the while thinking about what the hell he was supposed to do.

The next year you were closer than ever. You had visited each other dozens of times over the summer, and just as you were headed back to school and getting used to the old routine, it was time for the Tri-Wizard tournament. You watched as Fred and George attempted the aging potion, laughing as they both flew back as old men, but also visiting them when they had to go to the hospital wing.

You were in class with Fred, potions once again but this time you two were lab partners. You sat at your desk, talking with Fred about something random when Snape walked in, telling us to open our textbooks and prepare for the lesson.

As you were reading you suddenly felt a piece of paper fall by your hand. You looked at it and then over to Fred, who was already looking at you, nodding to make you open it. you reached for it but before you could open it, the note was snatched out of your hand by Snape.

“No, note passing in class” He said before throwing the note in a trash in the corner.

You looked back at Fred, who glared at Snape as he walked away before bringing his attention back to you. He put his book down and looked to make sure Snape wasn’t looking.

“Do you... want to go to the ball... with me” He mouthed, creating pretending to dance before pointing to himself.

You instantly felt your face heat up. Over the summer your feelings towards Fred had certainly grown, but you didn’t think he would feel the same way about you. You quickly snapped out of your trance though, smiling at Fred and nodding.

“What am I going to do?!” You shouted as you landed face first into your pillow, Angelina and Katie looking at you, rolling their eyes at your dramatics.

“Go to the ball with him you dim whit” Katie said, causing you to glare at her.

“He probably only asked me as a friend anyway” you muttered.

Both Angelina and Katie knew about your crush on Fred. They both also knew Fred had a crush on you, Angelina finding out from George, who was a whole other love story waiting to happen.

“Or... maybe he asked you out because he likes you” Angelina countered.

“I don’t know, I’m just freaking out” You said, sitting up to look at the two girls.

“I have a perfect solution” Katie said, causing both you and Angelina to look at her.

“Y/N, you have a crush on Fred, Angelina, you have a crush on George-”

“I do not-!” Angelina started, before Katie cut her off.

“You do too, now shut it and listen” Katie said. She was pretty close to George and Fred, being on the same quidditch team and all and knew for certain that the twins liked the both of you.

“Angelina, you’re going to go to the ball with George, Y/N with Fred, now if at any point they don't seem interested, you can just ditch and hang out with each other the rest of the ball.” She said, matter of factly.

“That's a stupid plan” You said, earning a pillow to the head.

“It is not! And you wont even need it because they like you you idiots!” Katie said throwing her arms in the air. Literally everyone could see that You and Fred liked each other, except for you two.

“Were doomed” You said, causing both you and Angelina to fall backward onto your beds, Katie rolling her eyes.

Two days later, you were sitting in front of your mirror getting ready for the ball. You had chosen a beautiful blue and silver halter top dress. It hugged your body until it reached your waist when it fanned out a bit. You matched it with some silver shoes that you found comfortable, and had Angelina help you with your hair.

“You look amazing, he’d be stupid not to see that” She said, finishing your hair.

“Says you, you look like a goddess!” you said, looking at her purple dress.

“We all look great now lets go” Katie said impatiently. She had gotten a date from Durmstrang and was excited to say the least. You all shared a laugh before heading out to the ball.

Fred was a nervous wreck waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He was trying not to show it, trying to mask his nerves with his usual goofy attitude but George could see through it.

“You’re going to be fine, chill out already” George said, causing Fred to shoot him a look.

“I’m completely chill! I’m the most chill person in the world, I’m-” Fred’s rambling was cut off when he saw George suddenly looking at the grand staircase behind him. Following his eyes, Fred turned to see Angelina, Katie and you. All he could see was you.

Suddenly all the nerves he had, all the things he practice he was going to say, all the worry, left his head. You were Y/N, you were his best friend, and he couldn’t believe how absolutely head over heels he was for you.

“Good evening sir” You said, doing a little curtsey, causing Fred to smile.

“Madam” He said, doing a deep bow and causing you to laugh. “Shall we” he said, holding out his arm.

“We shall” You said, taking his arm and following him to the ball room.

You spent the whole evening either dancing, or talking when you needed a breather. You would drink punch and people watch, trying to guess what people were saying to each other.

Suddenly the music changed, starting a slow song. You looked at Fred to see he was already looking at you. Wordlessly he held out his hand, causing you to smile while you took it. You walked out to the dance floor and started to sway to the music, suddenly very aware of the feeling of his hand on your waist. 

“You look amazing Y/n” Fred said, leaning down so he could almost whisper it in your ear, causing chills to run down your spine.

“You don’t look to bad yourself” You joked, not wanting to get caught u in the moment and forget that you were only here as friends. Right?

“Can I take you somewhere really fast?” Fred asked. you felt your cheeks heat up at his sincerity but nodded none the less, allowing him to lead you out of the ball room.

He lead you to the outside of the castle. You walked side by side, just taking in the scenery before Fred suddenly stopped, causing you to as well. You had stopped at the bridge, being able to get a full view of the Black lake, the moon reflecting off of it. 

You were too busy looking at the water to notice how Fred was looking at how the moon fell on your face, and made your eyes seem to glow. Or how he felt like he was suddenly seeing you for the first time all over again. Or how badly he wanted to just lean in and-

“Thank you, for asking me to the dance” You said, snapping Fred out of his trance.

“Of course, they ’res nobody id rather go with” He said looking at you, but you refused to meet his eyes.

“I’m sure that's not true. I’m sure there's someone here that you fancy” You said.

Fred looked at you confused. “How do you mean?” He asked.

“George told me that you liked someone... over the summer” You said. Fred mentally face palmed. That idiot! Of course he was talking about you, but Fred guessed George was just trying to get you to confess, which you obviously didn’t.

“Well, yeah... I do like someone” Fred said, an idea coming to mind.

“Oh... well who is she” You said, trying to mask you disappointment.

“Well, she’s in Gryffindor, she’s the absolute funniest person I’ve ever met, she has this smile where you see it and you can’t help but smile yourself, she's able to just walk into class and make the whole room brighter, ya know?” He said, looking down at you, trying to hide the sadness on your face.

“Is it Katie? Because I can talk to her and-” You started

“Oh my god, its you dumbass!” Fred suddenly exclaimed, causing your head to shoot up to meet his eyes.

“Wait, you like me?” You asked, Fred nodding, turning his body and gently grabbing both of your hands, holding them in front of him.

“Yeah, I have since last year” He said. Now it was his turn to not meet your eyes. “I knew I liked you from the moment you turned Snape purple, and ever since I’ve just fallen for every part of you, and I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier, I was just worried that-”

You cut off his rambling, quickly lifting yourself on your tip toes and quickly pressing your lips to his. The kiss lasted less than a second, and you couldn’t read the expression on his face, causing you to panic a bit.

Meanwhile, Fred was wondering if what happened actually happened, or if he suddenly died and went to heaven, he didn’t see your worried expression though.

“I’m sorry, I-” This time Fred cut you off, moving one hand to cup your face while the other went to rest on your hip. You reacted quickly, closing your eyes and moving to wrap your arms to rest around his neck. 

This kiss lasted much longer, the two of you moving in sync as you finally did what he had wanted to do for almost a whole year. After a while you both finally pulled away for air, smiling at each other like idiots.

“I think I might be in love with you” Fred said, causing you to blush

“I think I might be in love with you too” You said, causing you both to laugh a bit before leaning in to reconnect your lips, but not before-

“Its about bloody time!” George shouted, causing the both of you to jump apart, fearing it might have been a teacher, but as soon as you both saw it was only George and Angelina, Fred started fuming while you just laughed.

“No thanks to you, arsehole!” Fred yelled back, causing George to laugh, before you suddenly realized the situation before you.

“Wait what are you two doing out here?” You asked, causing both George and Angelina to stop laughing, a slight tint forming on their faces.

“Well we were just going to... um...” George started, trying to find the words

“We were going to snog” Angelina said bluntly, causing George to look at her with a look of shock on his face, while you and Fred just laughed.

“Well Its about time yourselves then!” You yelled, giving Angelina a quick thumbs up before they left towards the Gryffindor common room.

“How did that not happen sooner, its so obvious they liked each other” You said, shaking your head in mock disappointment.

“completely oblivious, the both of them, couldn’t be us” Fred joked back, making you giggle before reconnecting his lips to yours.

A/N: I'm still in the denial faze of grief because Fred Weasley is my dream man but he doesn't exist, so please feel free to enjoy my coping mechanism :)

[iisuya-simps]

Can I get Headcannons for Ichiro, Rosho and Jyuto with an S/O who’s an idol

A/N: ooooooh yes let's go :D

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Ichiro Yamada

Ichiro was at the convenience store to grab some snacks

when you both reached for the last bag of candy

"Sorry, I-"

his eyes lit up when they met yours

he knew exactly who you were

no, I'm totally not ripping this off from mlqc shut up

"Y-you're-" you cover his mouth with your hand

"Shh, don't blow my cover, otherwise we're gonna draw a crowd."

"Y-you can have the candy if you want! I'll get something else!"

"Why don't we just share it? Hehe."

*Ichiro blushes and SWOONS

you bought the candy and took a walk down a secluded road and bonded a bit

Ichiro loves how down to earth you are, this is like a dream come true

and when the candy is gone you both continue your conversation for an hour or so until your agent calls

"whoops, I have to get going. Here's my info if you want to reach out." You give him a wink as you round the corner to the black van

dID I juSt gO oN a dAtE wITh mY fAVoriTe IdOl??!

*head explodes*

after staring at the number you gave him for a few days he works up enough nerve to message you

"Hey uh, this is Ichiro Yamada, we met at the convenience store the other day"

"Oh hi, listen I'm in the area, do you want to meet up?" :)

You literally show up at his front door

"Y/N!!?" "Nice place you got here. My agent doesn't even know I left, hehe." "I'll be right back!!"

you follow Ichiro into his room to see him rushing to take all of his posters of you off his walls. aw, how sweet~

once caught he'll open up and show you his collection

after a few more surprise visits like this, you become close friends

then he's your secret boyfriend

Ichiro will help you practice choreo for shows

he might even teach you how to rap for fun

Jiro is probably very jealous when Ichiro introduces you to the bros

he can't help but gush about how amazing and talented you are

even though his brothers have heard this rant 12million times before he even knew you

he loves to watch you play dress up when picking out outfits for shows and events

he loves going to your photo/video shoots

seeing you get dressed up in all kinds of crazy clothes is exciting for the both of you

"Hey, hands off! I need this outfit wrinkle-free for the shoot!"

"I can always iron it after babe" ;p

when you show Ichiro a song that you wrote for him dumbfounded and a little teary-eyed

"I can hear all of the emotion you put into this... thank you" *big hug and kiss

when the tabloids start spewing fake facts about you Ichiro is going to be mad but try and keep his cool

"Ignore them y/n, just know that I think you're amazing"

but being an idol is very exhausting

after a long day, you may sneak away to the Yamada household to collapse on the bed in each other's arms and pass out

at the end of the day, Ichiro can't believe that he's with someone that loves and appreciates him as much as he does you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rosho Tsutsujimori

It was your dream to become an idol for years

you've been dating Rosho since highschool

he knew you would make it big because you were the best student in theatre, dance and choir

you even got first place in the school talent show for your singing and dancing routine

Rosho was finishing his bachelor's degree when you got signed to a label and went on to become of the biggest idols around

not only is Rosho an amazing boyfriend and support

he may even help manage some financial matters that your agent doesn't handle

Rosho is first to hear your songs when you come up with them

you always confide in him for new song ideas

mostly because you cant stop humming around him

"I can't help it Rosho, you're my muse"

he blushes brightly not knowing how to accept the compliment

one of his students asked why he had a charm of you on his desk

he said he was a really big fan

"What? You Mr. Tsutsujimori? *then proceeded to quiz him the rest of the class

"Please settle down now." "But what about-" *sigh*

If the press is spreading lies about you Rosho will try and talk you down

"Calm down, it's not worth it y/n, let them think whatever nonsense. I know the real you and that's all that matters."

he will help you prep for concerts making sure you eat properly, get enough water and do stretches and voice exercises

the farthest he got to see you live was backstage

which was still a pretty big feat for him considering

he doesn't know how you deal with being surrounded by crowds all the time plus perform in front of them...

you inspire him to work on his stage fright and public speaking

even if its just little things

he is in awe of you and loves the fact that you worked so hard to get to the place you were today

he finds your idol persona just an extension of yourself

he knew that you weren't just a cute bubbly idol

but an intelligent cute bubbly idol :p

Rosho is so touched when you sit him down and show a song you wrote for him

"Is this really for me? y/n... it's amazing. Thank you so much"

he prefers to stay at home for dates as opposed to going out and possibly having someone recognize you

even though your lives are completely different you still

you'll have deep chats about life and your future

you love and support each other the best you can and have a beautiful relationship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jyuto Iruma

You first meet Jyuto he pulls you over on the highway for speeding

"License and registration miss."

He noticed you in full hair and makeup then raises a brow

"Please sir, I'm going to be late for my concert. I'll pay any ticket you give me but I just need to get to the stadium"

"I suppose I can let you off with a warning, if you give me a front-row seat"

"Follow me officer" *wink

He tails behind you to the stadium and the guards wave you both through

"I'm not a bodyguard y'know."

"I know, but you can be my police escort!"

your agent yells at you for being late and you scurry around backstage when you trip over a loose cord!

luckily he catches you in his arms

"Ooh, sorry sir. I've always been a bit of a clutz..."

he tries his best to bite back a flirty come back to keep it professional

but says it anyway

"Fallen for the officer already have you?"

you were drawn to his dry wit and charming personality

Halfway through the concert, you come backstage to see him getting ready to leave

"Hey I'm still on duty so I can't stay, but you're really talented and I enjoyed the show so far."

he hands you his contact card

"I suppose we could have a coffee sometime, after all, if you weren't there to catch me I would've sprained my ankle and the show would've been cancelled."

You're both pretty busy but find some time during the day to sneak away for a coffee date

one turns into two, then five

sooner than you know it the officer has won you over and you fall head over heels for each other *literally*

when you show Jyuto a song that you wrote for him he's going to be amazed

"Wow, I'm so thrilled that you feel this way, now come here so I can show you my thanks

*tackles OwO

If gossip comes out about you Jyuto will scout out the lowlife who write the article and bribe them to stop

"It's ok y/n, they'll know the truth soon enough."

"How do you dance in those heels all the time?"

"I wonder what else you can do with them..."

"Jyuto!!!"

Jyuto likes to listen to your music on the way home from work

You may not see each other as much as you want to

but when he sees you on the tv or the stage he knows how lucky he is to have you and he'll do anything to help support you and your dream

and the nights you do spend together are filled with longing and passion

it's a great way of relieving the stress of a hard day's work

⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆

Thank you for reading!