#in other news guess who's gonna be at their online concert >:D i am!!

[mintjeru]

plave doodles from the past month!!

open for better quality | no reposts

[o0sketchy-girl0o]

Hi hi 👋

❤️ 5'10 or 5'11 last I checked?

🧡 Lesbian!

💛 i can talk about string theory for hours on end if you don't stop me like literally watch-

💚 New England

~ My dog who may or may not be high on sharpie fumes

💙 My little closet demon brother I love him

💜 clueless, smart, funnyish, weird... ✨autistic✨

~ QUANTUM PHYSICIST 🫦😩

🖤 q-q-q-q-QUANTUM PHYSI- ok I'll stop

🎂 July 24!

🌙 um um um um uhhhhhh can i just say leo because i looked at a guide and it was confusing as sheep

💉 Ear piercings, the lobe ones!

🚗 Nerp. I'm a) not of legal age and b) a coward when it comes to being responsible of this big ahh thing on wheels on a road of other things on wheels that could decide to high five my car at any moment

✈️ huhhh I've gotta say maybe Paris? we went to London, Edinburgh and Paris for my birthday this year :D

🎤 probably, but nothing really comes to mind rn lol. exploding to go to the ashnikko concert tho 🤩

🎵 Ashnikko rn 😈✨

🎧 Veera Raja Veera by AR Rahman and a bunch of other people it SLAPS in 8d theatre audio

📺 Helluva boss? or a true crime series with my mom? I forgot lol

📝 Like a story? this book I'm working on that I reeeeeally wanna publish it's gonna be called Grey Matter and it's a psychological horror WHEEEEE

🔐 If I haven't opened my mouth yet, then that I'm autistic lmao 🤷‍♀️

🧟‍♀️ I almost got kidnapped like a bunch of times, and one time a guy who tried to kidnap me was killed by police two weeks after the incident, crazy story. It wasn't rlly scary tho. more like shocking. lmao.

🔥 Wait I could've just written the last one here 😧

🍓 uhhhrhrhrhrhmmmmm right now probably soft serve ice cream

🍅 i would cry if someone tried to feed me anything on my bad texture list

🍊 the transition from spring to summer<3333

🍋 Horror

🍐 wuhhhh uh uh uh ummm @ryemackerel's good au william afton

🫐 Norway :D

🍇 painfully oblivious

🍒 It's a very vivid memory of before I could walk (I'm thinking 4-5 months old) and I was crawling towards the prayer area and I was wearing this pink frilly shirt and holding a ladybug toy and the house smelled like sandalwood and there was this one specific prayer song playing idk my memory is weird

🍌 ✨social skills✨

💌 to post my doodles (CONTENT COMING SOON I SWEAR 😭)

✏️ definitely when my fnaf era started lmaooo

🖇️ I haven't gotten any asks yet 🥲 guys pls send me asks, strangers, friends, pornbots (wait what) please i'm lonelyyy

📚 when an idea plagues my brain and it nags me until i put it down on paper

📌 🫥 well, you see I haven't posted any stories or fics of mine-

🔍 a very babygirlified william afton (mostly crack stories)

🖊️ any character I don't think is angstworthy (very rigid standards)

💔 [war flashbacks] uh so i uh it's uh so there was this gravity falls thing and uh I deleted it thank dog but uhhh

❤️‍🔥 @skeletoninthemelonland's ballora huh what wha I didn't say anything what

🧚‍♀️ When I say william afton I would like to clarify that I am not a simp i just think he has very cool lore. anyway, william, tomura shigaraki, hunter from toh, and Ben gross from never have I ever. any questions?

🪐 toh, helluva boss, i forgor the rest 🙃

🌝 the owl house

🌚 any show that supports an immoral cause, idk, I don't watch a whole lot of those :)

🌹 I've never written that kind of stuff but I support anyone who does!

🥀 i don't plan on writing a whole bunch of that but erm consent is sexy

🌊 oh, I don't really have any of those. what i know is that there are many safe platforms online to find your people to share your creativity with, so if you guys are worried about that kinda thing, i encourage you to find your space.

❄️ I LITERALLY HAVE DEVELOPED THIS ENTIRE 3 SEASONS LONG SERIES IN MY HEAD ABOUT MY FNAF AU THAT'S ROTATING IN MY BRAIN CONSTANTLY

☂️ hmmmm there are a lot. one that I think of is this on AO3 by serpentauthor. it's funny :)

A couple of in depth questions!

🍄 well I have a few personal ones and a few less personal ones. I guess I would've liked to appreciate things more when I was younger.

⭐️ well, I published a book when I was 8. it's not that special lmao ik y'all have done better but it's the first thing i thought of for this question.

~ Depression. Guys, talking about it really helps, I promise! stay safe<3

🌺 I REALLY LIKED MY TRIP TO EUROPE FOR MY BIRTHDAY THAT WAS SO FUN

🍀 any lighthearted show I can watch with my brother cause it feels nostalgic.

bye bye! 👋

Get to Know Me!

This is just a fun little thing I’ve been wanting to do since the dawn of time but could never find a post to reblog that satisfied what I wanted. So I made this, feel free to reblog and use it yourself!

❤️ how tall are you?

🧡 what is your sexuality?

💛 what is your favorite feature on yourself?

💚 where are you from?

🩵 do you have any pets?

💙 do you have any siblings?

💜 describe yourself in five words or less!

🩷 dream job?

🖤 favorite hobbies outside of your blog

🎂 when is your birthday?

🌙 your zodiac (Sun, Moon, Rising)

💉do you have tattoos and/or piercings

🚗 can you drive?

✈️ favorite place you’ve traveled

🎤 have you been to a concert

🎵 favorite artists

🎧 last song you listened too

📺 last show you watched

📝 last thing you wrote

🔐 something no one would guess about you

🧟‍♀️ scariest thing that’s happened to you

🔥 craziest thing that’s ever happened to you

🍓 favorite food

🍅 least favorite food

🍊 favorite season?

🍋 favorite genre to read / watch / write

🍐 if you could make one character real, who would it be

🫐 some place you’d love to visit

🍇 a word your friends would use to describe you

🍒 what is your earliest memory

🍌 what is one talent you wish you had

💌 why did you start this blog?

✏️ when did you start writing fanfic

🖇️ what are your favorite asks to answer

📚 how do you come up with the fics you write

📌 what is the fic you’re know for

🔍 what character do you enjoy writing for the most

🖊️ what character do you not enjoy writing for

💔 is there a fic you wish you didn’t write

❤️‍🔥 what character do you simp for most often

🧚‍♀️ favorite characters of all time

🪐 favorite shows / series of all time

🌝 a show you would recommend to anyone

🌚 a show you’d tell people to stay away from

🌹 favorite kinks to write for

🥀 kinks you would never write for

🌊 a kink you would like to write but you think you’d be judged

❄️ full fics, imagines or head canons

☂️ your favorite fanfic from another writer

A couple of in depth questions!

🍄 what is something that’s happened in your life that you wish you could go back and change?

⭐️ what is one of your biggest accomplishments? Why is it so important to you?

🪻what is the toughest thing you had to go through, but can say you’ve successfully overcome?

🌺 what is the best gift someone has ever given you and why is it so important

🍀 what is your comfort show/series and why is it your comfort show? How has it helped you?

[beakybirdsong]

Sigh okay it's Pokemon News Drop Day so I'm gonna make a quick appearance for initial thoughts. But uhhh they're not great lmao

So if you don't like debbie downers probably don't read this lol

Because I got a bit...edgy

But like...I actually *hate* that we're getting 3 different games and none of them look remotely...good, all for different reasons.

The D/P remakes, from what we've seen so far, just don't excite me in any way. My opinion could change going forward but for right now it looks like it might as well be a remastered port, which is...not really what I've come to expect from Pokemon remakes, even as someone who's generally become a huge pessimist over the years lmao. HGSS added Pokemon following, the Pokathalon, a customizable Safari Zone, team photos, polished bits of existing storyline (like awakening the legendaries or disguising yourself as a rocket), and I think even the Battle Frontier iirc. We got much less in ORAS, but the story was admittedly still polished up good from what it was, including a little post game romp where we could catch Deoxys, the DexNav, which was super fun to play around with, and additionally Mirage Islands, a bunch of minimaps in the region that changed every day, which you essentially could collect from others by playing online or using Streetpass and accessing BuzzNav. It was also the first game to let us really hunt a hoard of legendaries, some of which were hidden in really cool updated areas (lookin at you Sea Mauville).

My point of all this I guess is that if you're going to give us a trailer for DP remakes can you not make it look like...samey and bland lol?? I'm not saying there WONT be any new content, but I am saying that if there isn't then it just...is not gonna be worth the money that a Switch game costs. Especially after Swsh left such a bad taste in my mouth. Like H O N E S T L Y I'd probably be being a lot nicer right now if Swsh was like...a good game lmao but that shit still has bugs and even after two full DLC drops there's nothing to DO (outside of being a crazy person like me and hunting shiny legends in Dynamax Adventures).

NOT TO MENTION HOLY SHIT, the longer time goes on the less forgivable it gets that these characters are sooooo fucking static!!!! The whole *thud* thing worked fine back in the DS era because it was....yknow, the DS era, but it just looks so stupid over a decade later. You can't add any more movement than that?? Barry's static pose in battle is also just completely devoid of personality. I'd honestly be fine with the chibi style if they did something interesting with it. Which is my point ig. Please please pleeeaaassseeee do something interesting with these remakes. Give me a reason not to just play on an emulator, or hell. Dig out an old copy and play on the 3DS, which still supports DS games lmao.

Okay phew ANYWAY.

Idk if it's because I'm coming down off of that hot mess but Pokemon Legends is actually...kind of interesting in concept. Like it takes place in the past, neat. And it's """"open-world,"""" okay neat. And the starter options are remixed, neat (I have a lot of thoughts on that actually and they aren't bad but this isn't the time or place). And they clearly told the tree-renderers to get their fucking act together, but like...that's a good segue into the problem I'm having with it which is that it still just looks empty. And boring?? And I think what I'm getting hung up on is that part of my brain is like ooh cool but there's a much bigger part of my brain that's like "OK but WHY"

It's just so frustrating as a longtime Pokemon fan to look at these two games which are both set in Sinnoh and only seeing wasted potential. Why aren't we getting one really good Sinnoh game that could happen with a little more time and less spread-thin resources? One looks bad because it's static and underwhelming port of an otherwise big beautiful labyrinthine region and the other looks bad because it looks good in places but is otherwise is an empty looking world in the way that the Wild Area was. We could have all the good stuff in one package but why would they do that when they can double up on profits by shipping out two mediocre games?

Speaking of, the nastiest taste in my mouth by far was the fact that we're getting three new games at all. Other parts of first-party Nintendo are making a point to ask for understanding and delay releases because of the pandemic and it seems like Pokemon just isn't letting up. What kind of conditions and crunch are these developers working under while also dealing with the handicap of doing it all remotely?? Do they get to sleep and eat like Jesus fucking Christ. I know there's a studio name I don't recognize helping with the DP remakes but STILL. It's not worth it! It's not worth it! Make a better game later!!! Stop beating your own franchise and the people who make it half to death!! Getting even one new mainline Pokemon game a year is unrealistic and unsustainable and it needs to stop fucking yesterday!! Hell, I would cry tears of joy if we went a year with no new Pokemon news at all! That's how ugly this feels.

In an attempt not to end on a sour note I guess, Snap looks good enough to get. I'm curious to see how many courses there are, but the characters look endearing enough, and by nature of being an on-rails game the world feels alive because it's not an unrealistic ask to make it feel that way (they did it just fine on the N64, even with the technical limitations of the time). I would much prefer mainline Pokemon games veer away from this "open-world" direction they're going in and just focus on making their little segmented areas tighter and more immersive in terms of aesthetic and exploration and maybe like one or two static encounter mons with a bit of personality. But I'm getting carried back into the Mainline Game Bad Thoughts Zone and I don't wanna be there. So. Idk check out that Venusaur doing a cannonball! Instant serotonin. Hoping there will be some fun pokemon interactions you can apple into happening like Surfing Pikachu or the Jigglypuff concert. Snap looks fun. I like fun. This is fun. This is fine!!!!!!!

[for-his-dream-xciii]

New Happiness (F)

Pairing: sf9 chani x reader.

Genre: fluff, one shot.

Warnings: none.

Word count: 3k.

A/N: Hello there, if anyone is reading this, I hope you can enjoy this story a lot. This is my first time writing a thing like this so, I’m sorry for all my mistakes. Also, english is not my first language so again sorry, hehe. I noticed that there aren’t many sf9 scenarios and since I craved for a chani scenario a lot because he’s my baby, I got inspired by a dream I had so I wrote this, also adding more elements to make it more interesting. Fantasies, I love y’all.♡

Also a big thank you to Guille who helped me a lot with this and for being the only one who is always there for me when I cry about chani.~

As you were arriving to the venue you still couldn’t believe how your sister had managed to convince your mother into letting her go to this concert and by all means drag you with her as well. You were trying to concentrate all your energies into the upcoming exams you had to prepare for this semester so, dealing with this stuff right now felt like a waste of time and got a little bit on your nerves. Of course you loved your sister a lot, and you would do anything for her, but right now you were just so stressed that everything in your surroundings felt annoying and you just wanted to get this done so you could get back home as soon as possible.

Spring was around the corner when the news about this indie band that wasn’t even that famous came along. And so, Amelie, your little sister, got interested in them a lot, since she liked the simple vibe their songs had, unlike other girls of her age, her interests were different and very unique. You were certainly quite proud of how well she had grown up through the years, after helping your mother to raise her in any aspect you could. You three were alone in the world, and because of that you were always there to support each other.

The concert date was approaching but you just kept studying and didn’t pay much attention to your sister who was so excited about it. Though, deep down you were happy that she had found a thing or two to distract herself in a healthy way from all the stressful stuff she had going on sometimes.

D-day was here and now Amelie and you were waiting on the line outside the venue with a bunch of people. There weren’t that many but it was enough to fill both floors inside. The queue moved, and you proceeded to pay for the tickets with the code you had already saved online a couple weeks ago, you gave it to the boy who was attending and he handed you over the two tickets with no problems.

Calmly and side hugging your sis, you entered the hall, now the only thing left was for them to open the doors and then the concert would be starting soon. You were sure it wouldn’t be that long, as soon as the sun went completely down they will be done and you will get to finally go home.

You separated from the hug and while walking you decided to check your phone and as you tried to reply to the messages from your best friend who was telling you how she couldn’t decide what she was going to have for dinner you stumbled into someone.

“Oh my- I am so sorry.” you said as your eyes went up to meet a brown haired guy who was also looking apologetically for not paying attention to where he was going either.

You both stayed still for a moment. Breathless for a second that felt like forever.

“Chani? Lucas! Hey, how are you?” Amelie said smiling. Chani and you were still staring at each other. He had the cutest, shiniest brown eyes and the sweetest stare you had ever seen before. But of course, you being you, got overwhelmed at the situation and immediately looked away before you even dare to blush. How did this guy managed to almost get that from you? Yes, he was very good looking but, was it that much of a big deal to almost make you blush? You took a quick glance at him again, from head to toe, his beauty was truly breathtaking and you felt a rush of excitement running through your body. May all at those love-at-first-sight stories be damn, you did not believe in such things. But again, who said love? You were allowed to think a guy looked extremely fine at first sight, right?

Wait, so Amelie knew them?

“Y/N, this is Lucas, he’s one of my classmates.” your sister explained. “And he’s Chani, his older brother.”

You all exchanged some polite “Nice to meet you.” and then proceeded to keep walking to the doors, where a certain amount of people were already gathering.

After saying your goodbyes, Lucas and Chani kept walking forward, you and your sister stayed still, close to one of the doors.

“So… I guess you aren’t that close to Lucas. I thought you two would maybe want to go inside together.” you stated while watching Amelie’s reaction, she looked unbothered. “It’s better when you have nice people to share this kinda stuff with, you know.” You were hoping not to sound too lonely, but Amelie looked up at you.

“It’s okay dude, we are here together.” And that’s how she cut off the subject and y'all finally got inside the venue a few minutes later.

While going inside many people went to the second floor and many people chose to stay in the first one. The truth was, each floor had a nice view of the scenario so it was really up to the personal preferences of each person to choose where you were going to stay during the whole presentation. Amelie wanted to stay in the first one so you went further to get close to the stage, even though a lot of people were already stuck right beside it.

As you waited, a few songs of the band were softly playing as background music so you were hoping to recognize some songs later on when they will came out and do them live.

While you were enjoying one particular song, you had this weird feeling that a gaze was on you, so you started to look around and yet everybody seemed to be minding their own business jamming to the songs or talking to each other, it wasn’t until you started to scan the second floor when your eyes met Chani’s for the second time that evening. The moment it happened he played it cool, looking away while keeping a straight face. In fact, when you had just met him a few minutes ago, he was also holding this serious, yet not rude expression. It only made you more curious about him.

You turned to look at the stage again, trying to not think about Chani anymore, and kept humming to a song Amelie made sure to get it stuck in your subconscious before today.

As the background music died, the band members started to come out and all the people cheered for them warmly. The concert was going great, many of the songs were slow jams but it was a very enjoyable atmosphere. At some point you grow weak and looked up to check on Chani, he seemed to be enjoying this even more than Lucas. You really started to regret the fact that he and Amelie weren’t close enough to stick together earlier.

But then you got an idea.

“Hey… wanna go to the second floor?” you asked, trying not to look straight at Amelie’s face, she would read through you right away and you weren’t sure if you could give her a proper explanation to your sudden request.

“Why? We are fine here, besides I’m sure there’s only a few more songs left. What if we don’t get a comfortable spot? We are okay here.” she said without looking at you. She was right, the concert was probably gonna end soon because you could tell the sun was starting to go down, just as you predicted. The concert will be done as soon as the sun gets fully hidden.

“You’re right, but still... we should go up. Don’t you think it would be great if we can see the two perspectives of the show? I mean, we are lucky enough to be here. We should enjoy it as much as we can.” And from where the hell did all of that came? You were taken aback yourself at how smooth you sounded.

For a moment, Amelie stood unbothered, but then she looked up at you.

“Alright then, let’s go.” YES. YES. Wait, why am I so excited? Please, be chill.

You both quickly took the stairs so you wouldn’t miss many parts of the show taking too much time going up. As soon as you started moving through the people who were on this floor you regretted coming here. What were you thinking? It’s not like you could just go wherever Lucas and Chani were and act like y'all were friends or something.

You spotted them leaning on the railing and decided to play it cool so you would look like you didn’t see them and were casually going around.

But Amelie also spotted them, and right away she looked at you smiling. “Oh… my God.”

“What?” you asked looking at her. She knew you too well. She knew you don’t usually do this kind of stuff just because. You must have a reason.

“You brought me here so we could be closer to Chani? Did you like him? You from all people? The almighty I-don’t-have-time-for-boys Y/N? This is hilarious.”

“Oh please don’t be silly-”

“I thought It was weird when you asked to move, you hate moving around in events like this. Now it makes sense.”

“It’s really not like that Amelie-”

“Hey.” she stopped on her tracks. “For once, let me help you, as much as you always help me. Come on.” She grabbed your hand and started to drag you closer to where to boys were. “Just try to be friendly you know, I mean wait, don’t, don’t try, just be you and see what’s up. I will do my best to get along with Lucas so you two can freely talk.”

“What? Amelie I swear-” but you never got to finish your sentence because you were already behind the boys.

“Hey guys, we meet again.” Amelie let out, both turned around. Chani looked at you gifting you a shy smile. W-was he really smiling at… you? CHILL, REMEMBER TO BE CHILL.

“Hey, are you guys having fun?” you asked, you exchanged looks with Lucas and he felt relieved… Relieved? Relieved of what?

“One of the best shows I ever attended to.” said Lucas now looking at Amelie, she returned a smile to him. “And now that you’re both finally here I shall finally have peac-” he was interrupted by Chani. “I’m sure what my little brother is trying to say is that he’s glad we are not alone anymore, he gets easily tired of me. Don’t you, little demon?” Chani said while ruffling his hair.

“Please, let go of me, talk to her alre-”

“Don’t y'all love this song?” Chani half screamed, you jumped a little bit because of his voice, he had a very low tone while speaking and that half scream took you by surprise.

As if Amelie immediately understood what was going on she turned to Lucas and started to talk about lot of stuff related to the songs, the band and members. You were left wondering why she waited to this day and this moment to finally get close to this boy. Was she really trying her best because she thought you liked Chani and she could help you both to get along if she did the same with Lucas? You truly raised the sweetest girl.

“So… how long has it been since you know this band? I thought they weren’t that popular?” You asked Chani, now all of you moving to lean again into the railing. The sun was still present but it wasn’t hot, unlike many concerts that are during the day, today was a lovely spring day and for some reason your body just felt super relaxed, as if you lungs were getting clearer oxygen, it was a strange but exciting sensation.

“I actually discovered them about a year and a half ago, I think. Ever since I found out about them, both me and Lucas enjoyed many of their songs so, coming today was a must.” He replied, looking at the stage where the vocalist was looking at one of his bandmates and smiling.

You found yourself admiring Chani’s side profile, he seemed to have no bad angles…

“That’s cute.” you laughed. “I actually don’t know many of their songs but I came here for Amelie.”

“I guess I owe Amelie a big one.” he let out on an almost inaudible voice, thinking you wouldn’t be able to catch it, still focused on the stage where the band was starting the last chorus of that song. But you did hear it.

And that’s all it took. You were blushing. As you were just admiring how it was such a beautiful day, now you suddenly felt hot. And even if you didn’t understand why, you liked it. Though, the little tingles in your stomach made you panic. You could be just assuming things, you thought. Don’t.

Brushing off the tingles you decided to also focus on the stage now, where the drummer was explaining how only 3 songs were left.

You were sad, why didn’t you think about coming up here earlier. You hadn’t done much, and you still didn’t know how to face him and tell him you wanted to know more about him.

As you kept struggling searching for the right words to say so you wouldn’t sound too desperate, you heard Lucas and Amelie who now were a little far from Chani and you, but their conversation still was able to reach your ears.

“… I swear, the entire concert Chani hasn’t shut up about your sister, he wanted to convince me to go down on the first floor but I told him It would look creepy, besides, I didn’t want to bother you two, you gave me the impression of wanting to be left alone.” You were one hundred percent sure neither of them knew you were listening, so you kept a straight face and kept looking at the scenario.

“Oh no, don’t worry.” Amelie said. “I also thought It was strange of my sister, wanting to come up here. I guess they shared a thing.” she mischievously laughed. “And please, don’t think about us like that, I’m just not good at making friends I guess and well my sister, yes she looks kinda scary because she doesn’t smile that much, but she is very friendly once you get to know her.”

“Guess Chani just found someone who will understand him-” Lucas started to laugh.

“Also…” Amelie wasn’t finished. “I do like you a lot, you know Christina told me about what you did for her, I thought you were a very nice person. I’m just not too talkative, It’s truly not your fault.”

“Well, you are being talkative now… Thank you, I guess. It’s good to know… I also think you are a very nice person yourself.”

They both kept chatting and your attention went back to the stage when only 2 songs were left.

Chani and you kept exchanging shy looks and he came closer to you, so now his right arm oftenly made contact with your left arm. The tingles again. May them be damn.

“You know…” you finally said, looking directly at Chani’s eyes. As the sun was now directly hitting you both, you now had to close one of your eyes while looking up to him. According to you, you probably looked ridiculous. But for Chani, he felt his heart melt as he found you quite adorable.

The whole concert he kept looking at you. He never saw a girl like you before. You had this cool and serious aura, he felt very attracted to you since your eyes met again inside the venue. He kept having this strange feeling of wanting to get to know you. And since he couldn’t come up with a better idea he started to let it all out with Lucas. He kept asking him about you, and of course Lucas didn’t know much. He told Chani the only things he ever heard Amelie said, about how much time you dedicate to college, that’s why you couldn’t always be there for some of Amelie’s school activities. Unlike Chani, who spent a lot of time helping Lucas with them. So that’s why you two had never met before.

“I think their last song today is gonna be one of my favorites.” you breathed. You felt happy. A brand new kind of happy. You were glowing. So then, you gave him a little smile.

That’s all it took for him. He broke into a wide smile staring at you. He was almost speechless. He wanted nothing more than to get enough luck so you would get interested in him too. Having you by his side felt so right and warm, at that moment he knew he didn’t ever wanted you to go too far away from him, he had a thousand butterflies going crazy in his stomach so after a rush of courage he let out. “So… uh, if you want to, maybe I could give you my number? Is that okay?” His heart was about to jump from that second floor as if going into a suicide mission.

“That sounds great, I shall give you mine too then.” You agreed, you looked away while the last song started. You refused to look at him again, you didn’t want him to notice how flustered you were, you felt so damn lucky as if you had just won the lottery. Gathering all your strength, you managed to get back to your cool stare, while the song was breaking into the chorus you tried to enjoy the last drops of today’s show. Just as you predicted the sunset was here. As the song was reaching the end, by instinct you looked up and locked stares with Chani who was being sunkissed in the most beautiful way you never knew a person could be, smiling at you. While looking straight into his eyes, your heartbeats went faster and appreciating all his features you couldn’t help to wonder if you ever would be able to kiss him like the sun was doing it right now.

[travllingbunny]

Quarantine tag game

Thanks for tagging me, @sometimesrosy!

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK/SCHOOL? I am staying home but not from work, because I work at home. Not just now, I always work at home, so there hasn’t been any change in that respect. The volume of work was the same as always during the last few weeks, too. I haven’t had any new work since Friday, so I’m enjoying a few days of rest, but I don’t know if this has anything to do with Corona. A few days of rest and no work has happened before. It will give me more time to clean my apartment.

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU? My two dogs and two cats. They are probably happy that they get even more time with me than usual. I think that some people don’t consider pets real company - probably people who don’t have pets - which I find funny. They are amazing company and I never feel lonely or bored. It’s never boring with them. Taking the dogs out two times a day, having to feed the cats 6-7 times a day or however often they start mewing and asking for food (especially the kitten - the young one is just 9 months old), having to stand guard to make sure dogs don’t steal cat food :D and all the petting and displays of affection.

ARE YOU A HOMEBODY? Not really? But I’m also not not a homebody? LOL Normally, I enjoy going out and meeting people; I have salsa classes two times a week, which are really fun; I go clubbing on weekends; and my favorites are the Language Cafe type events, which used to be up to 3 times a week before the Coronavirus situation started (these are events for people to meet and practice languages, where you can just come, choose the table with the language you want to practice, introduce yourself and join the conversation). I go to concerts, film festivals, public lectures/debates etc. 

But at the same time, I don’t mind staying at home, and I’ve had experience in having to stay for a week or two when I had a ton of work and tight deadlines. I talk to people a lot via phone, Viber, Whatsupp and social media, exchange memes and satirical articles about the current situation, etc. I’m online a lot, and I’m trying to finally catch up/check out some of the many TV shows, movies and books I have on my watchlist/readlist and do other stuff I never had enough time for.

AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED? I don’t think it’s been officially cancelled yet (?), but I doubt that the Tindersticks concert in early May is gonna be happening. I had already bought the ticket so I hope it gets postponed. I’ve also bought a ticket for a Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds concert in early June (it’s probably too optimistic to hope that will happen?) and a Pixies concert in early September (I don’t have to worry about that one, do I?)

WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY? Since the curfew started, I’ve watched just a few movies that happened to be on TV  - which were all very different, but I wasn’t impressed by any of them (Divergent, Ironclad, and Francis Ha). 

The last time I was in cinema was for the FEST film festival, which ended on 8 March, and I watched Jojo Rabbit on the closing night. I really loved it. Before that, at the same festival, I watched Apocalypse Now: The Final Cut, Blood Quantum (pretty good Canadian horror that’s a different take on the zombie epidemic genre, as it takes place in a First Nation reserve, most characters/actors are First Nation and it deals with social issues), Spanish period drama by Alejandro Amenabar  Mientras dure la guerra (During the War) about the Spanish Civil War and Miguel de Inamuno’s role in the events, The Lighthouse (really good, really dark psychological horror drama that can have a bunch of interpretations) and Dead Don’t Die (Jim Jarmush’s zombie comedy with some very on-the-nose social commentary).

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING? The list is pretty long! Some shows I’ve been watching on TV include: Peaky Blinders (really good!), Babylon Berlin (still in season 1), Penny Dreadful (I’m almost finished - I didn’t like season 1 that much but it got much better in seasons 2 and 3), Wynonna Earp (not great but it’s just a fun show with some cool actors/characters). I'm about to finish S1 of The Witcher and I want to rewatch it immediately to figure out the timelines. I’m finishing my rewatch of The 100 and I’m going to resume my rewatch of Agents of SHIELD (hopefully I can finish it by its premiere date, 27 May). Also watching Outlander season 5, Harley Quinn, Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, need to catch up on Roswell: New Mexico, Prodigal Son and Stumptown and finish The Outsider, and have recently started The Plot Against America and Mindhunter (the latter because my best friend has recommended it). I’ve even checked out the pilot of Lucifer, which I may or may not continue soon, and I’m continuing with 12 Monkeys season 1. And I intend to check out Kingdom. Quite a mix of genres there.

WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO? I haven’t listened to that much music lately as I used to, but my routine for putting myself to sleep is to turn on MTV Rocks (or the Rock Alternative radio channel) on my TV, in low volume, program the sleep function for 2 hours, and go to bed. It works like a charm. I always have trouble falling asleep in silence. 

Other than that, I’ve been listening to a lot of Haelos since I first discovered them when I heard their song “Alone” in season 6 of The 100, and I’ve listened to othe songs from The 100 and Tree Adams’ soundtrack for season 3.

WHAT ARE YOU READING? Before all this, I borrowed 3 books from the American Corner library: Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye and Beloved and Tea Obrecht’s The Tiger’s Wife.  I’m reading The Bluest Eye at the moment, but I’m also going to finally start reading GRRM’s Fire and Blood, which I had never found time for.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF-CARE? The usual stuff I do - a bit of exercise, nurturing bath once a week, regular skin care. But last week, I also had to make an effort to relax and try to lower my level of stress and blood pressure, thanks to something that happened last Sunday. 

Rant incoming....If you don’t want to read about my bad experience with the police and idiotic government measures, stop now.

Namely, the idiotic government of my country has imposed “measures” which are supposed to be against the spread of Coronavirus but mostly don’t make any sense - they are constantly extending curfew and changing the time of it, and have changed the times when dog owners are allowed to walk their dogs. At one point, it seemed like there was no allowed time for that in the evening or afternoon. You had to listen to the news all the time (and listening to news and the President’s speeches is one of the things that annoys me the most) to figure these things out. And the weekend before last was their first experiment in an extra-long 3 day curfew, which I wasn’t even aware of, when they actually had the police patrol and arrest people for just walking on their own (or, in one case, a young farmer in his tractor - two days after the minister of agriculture said on TV that farmers would be exempt from the curfew - they changed it). So I got manhandled, put in handcuffs and taken to the station for walking my dogs all on my own, with no one else around (which is endangering people and helping the spread of Corona - how exactly??!) where i had to sit for 2 hours while a cop was writing stuff down from the records, and about 60 other cops walked right by me, 10 of whom didn’t have masks, while 3 had but pulled them up/down, then in a police car with 3 other people they picked up - who can’t sit any further than half a meter from you as there’s not enough room, then about 1.5 hours more at the court, with a bunch of other people (and everyone was sitting right next to each other - I was the only one who was like “Nope” and stood a couple of meters away from the others), where they passed the judgment that I have to pay a fine of almost 450 EUR - the amount that’s prescribed for everyone. (And in Serbia, that’s about 1.5 of the minimum wage. I can pay my bills for 3 months from that amount.) Turns out, they arrested some 700-800 people that weekend, so I guess they’re gonna extort a lot of money from the people - if all of them are able to pay it within 15 days (which I doubt. I can withdraw the money from the bank, but I don’t think everyone can). My temperature, pulse and probably blood pressure went up immediately and took an entire week to come down - due to stress, a lot of anger and fear - I had my mask and gloves, but that was still the most close contact and exposure to a lot of other people, much more than I’ve had in weeks. I yelled and ranted and told them that they’re the ones putting others and themselves in danger of contracting Corona, and they probably knew I was right, but it makes no difference -  President Vučić is either an idiot who actually thinks the virus is lurking outside in the air to jump at people, but only during the hours he decides, or, more likely, he doesn’t care, but is a wannabe dictator who likes to act self-important and playact at imposing “strict but necessary measures”.

/end rant. Sorry about that. But that’s why I bought a temperature meter and blood pressure meter, because I was having high temperature, heart palpitations and pressure in my chest, which hasn’t happened to me in a long time (I was also starting to feel PMS, which added to it and didn’t help, but is normally nowhere near as bad when I’m not stressed out) so I needed a lot of self-care last week - which included tranquilizers, but mostly trying my best to relax and feel better. And I’m finally well now and close to how I was before the whole arrest idiocy.

Tagging @jeanie205 @kizo2703 @weareagentsofnothing @turtle-paced @wolfheartgirl @theatre-steph @selflessbellamy @mytly4 @katersann @linzzmorgan100 @immortalpramheda @iishallbelieve @misskittyspuffy @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer @justbecauseyoubelievesomething @angearia @ladyofthefrostfangs - I know some of you have already been tagged, I’m sorry if you’ve already done it but I haven’t seen it, in which case I’look for it on your blog. Sorry to everyone I didn’t tag, too. 

[maikatc]

black sun tale | jackson

i want more jackson love so i shall share jackson love. also this is from the 3rd draft of bst too and most of it is still in the current canon, just a good amount of changes here or there (like the ending-)

-

Since the sun wanted to kill his skin like usual, Jackson stayed inside with his companion

Despite her constant rambling, he stared at his computer screen in focus. He checked left and right from every forum he travelled to, reading all of the comments and theories that left in each and every one.

“Do you think we should get Finn over? Since he’s basically the same as you and never bothers to listen. Well, actually he’s pretty good at multitasking so it’s mainly just you.”

There was a sour tone in her voice, which her minor complaints caused him to look at her directly rather than his screen. “Mirana, I can still hear everything you say while I read.”

She crossed her arms, “That’s impossible,” she scoffed.

“Have you ever seen some foreign movie with subtitles?”

Mirana looked at him deadpanned. “I was forced to, yes.”

Jackson sighed, he figured that socializing during the summer was probably a good thing. “Just call Finn over.”

“Okay! I’ll go on speaker.” Mirana grabbed her phone as Jackson comforted himself back to his laptop, muttering.

“Why am I even friends with you guys again?”

“Because childhood friends are bitches like that.”

“Right.” He cringed at his own lack of silence.

“I’m guessing Jackson’s being a prick again?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s the reason you always invite Finn over here,” Jackson entered the conversation as Finn entered through the doorway.

Mirana crossed her arms. “I always tell you guys to go out but no,” she spited.

Jackson rolled his eyes, “You haven’t seen the news lately, haven’t you?”

Finn replied, “You mean the area deaths?”

“Mirana, do you really think anyone would go out with that situation at hand.” Jackson eyed her as she played with her red hair.

Mirana looked down, muttering words Jackson couldn’t hear. She looked back at both of them, “Well, we can always just go somewhere indoors. You guys just stay in your houses all the time.”

“I’m researching about the area deaths.”

“I’m trying to hack online friends for a prank.”

Jackson and Finn replied to her simultaneously.

The girl sighed and pointed at Jackson, “Okay that’s too depressing to spend days on,” she shifted her hand towards Finn, “And that just means you need more of a life.”

Finn chuckled, “They hacked me a few days ago, gotta get em back.”

Mirana shriveled downwards, “Y’all need more vitamin D, goddamnit.”

Jackson opened his computer again, “That’s why they made pills for it.”

“Don’t forget the flavored gummies.” Finn added, going on his phone in the process.

Mirana stared at them deadpanned. “… You guys suck.”

As Jackson’s focus drifted back to forums, a hand suddenly closed his laptop, causing him to jump. He saw Mirana take Finn’s phone as well.

“What the hell?” Finn his arms up as his phone was gone.

She swiftly grabbed both of their arms, her strength being able to pull them up. “I’m dragging you guys out. We’re going to the diabetes shop.”

Jackson’s eyes lowered at her. “Fucking hell.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you guys candy in return.”

Jackson pulled himself out of the girl’s grasp. “Let me at least get ready to go.” He looked at himself, still just in a white t-shirt and black boxers.

He walked to his drawer of clothing, taking off his shirt in the process.

“Don’t you ever think that’s too forward?” Finn commented.

Jackson opened a drawer full of shirts, “It’s not like I’m trying to get you guys to sleep with me. Well, anybody anyways.”

“Yes, we’ve already gotten over this: You don’t like people.” Mirana stood by his bedroom doorway as she spoke. All the while, Finn was on his phone he had gotten back from the girl. “Besides, out of anybody, Finn would be the one distracted by you right now.”

Finn turned away from his phone immediately. “Middle school means nothing.”

“And nothing came out of it, so now we’re just chill.” Jackson grabbed a grey t-shirt he’d gotten from concert Mirana brought him to around a year back. He put it on without much thought and then wore a red unbuttoned flannel over it.

As Mirana and Finn talked to each other, returning regrettable middle school memories, Jackson added a simple pair of jeans and a belt to complete his outfit. He tucked his shirt in as he walked towards the mirror. He fixed up his tuff of brown hair lying on top of his coffee-colored skin. Adding his grey newsie cap on his head, he turned towards the others.

“You definitely go on the internet too much.” Finn eyed his outfit.

Mirana laughed, “I still don’t get why you where that hat, I gave it to you as a joke.”

Jackson shrugged. “Well, I like it.”

“It makes you look like an old man.” Mira smiled.

“Let’s just go,” Jackson grinned at their common talk.

 ***

 “I still hate the sun.” Jackson complained.

“Take off your flannel then,” Mira told him, rolling her eyes.

Finn said, “Hey Jackson, there’s this one video I’ve been meaning to show you too.”

“Finn, another video and I’ll take your phone again.” Mira remarked, causing Finn to place his mobile in his pocket yet again.

“Oh yeah, you heard of the Katzmann death, right?” Jackson asked Finn.

Finn nodded. “We’re screwed.”

“I still don’t get why you used the excuse of the area deaths when you still die indoors now.” Mira grumbled to herself.

“It’s more common outside though, the Katsmann kid was the first time a death was inside. And that happened like two days ago.” Finn spoke in defense.

“I still want to know why this is happening. It’s just getting weirder…” Jackson furrowed his eyebrows, his sight on the ground as he walked in the streets. His curiosity had peaked as always.

“Leave that to the government.” Mira’s hand made a brushing motion.

“It’s easier like that but people should try to figure it out so they’d know what to make best in the situation.”

“Yeah, yeah, but your ideas are too out of proportions.” Mira retorted.

“Don’t go into one of your journalism talks again please, Jackson.” Finn commented.

Jackson sighed and let go of the conversation.

The traffic was busy as always, creating the city noise he’s listened to for almost five years. Turning his newsie cap backwards, he observed the tall buildings engraved in his mind as his friends talked to each other about whatever gossip Mira had. Their snickers mixed with nostalgic sounds eased him slightly.

However, there were ideas peeking through his mind again, area deaths being the topic of course. The number of clues for the cause is nothing to discuss. There was no reason for many of them to just die so suddenly. Everybody would just fall from system failure. No way it couldn’t been a shooting, no injuries. How could a virus appear out of nowhere and kill others instantly without any other contact? How would the virus just disappear suddenly after mere seconds of so many dying? How could no one else around the area be affected if it were to spread so quickly? Why-

He bumped into somebody, someone shorter than him for sure. He looked down from his height to see a boy around his early teens down on the ground from lack of attention. Mira and Finn stopped with him.

The boy had white hair, likely dyed, covering his eye and strangely pale skin. He bore a simple, yet untucked, buttoned shirt and tight black jeans. His visible eye stared at him dully, though it shone a pretty blue.

He got himself up after muttering something under his mouth.

“Sorry, ‘you alright?” Jackson asked looking down at him. He was definitely short, maybe less than five feet compared to himself being over six.

The boy observed him again, and with a small curve on his lip, he said, “Yeah, but you better pay more attention.” He walked off without any other comment.

“You should probably pay more attention too,” Finn fussed.

         They walked for about another minute until Mira noted, “Well this was a pretty short walk. Not much to complain about, right?”

“I’m still sweating like shit, Mira,” Jackson bickered, “Shut up.”

Mira ran to the store door, “There’s a thing called cold drinks, you know.”

Finn walked inside. “I’m just gonna have some sour candies and soda while I plan on what the hell to do with life after high school.”

Jackson sighed as he walked in himself. “Same though, I don’t want to think about the college applications in two years.”

“And I don’t want to think about that stuff since we just went through sophomore year and it’s summer, so be quiet.” Mirana entered, slamming the door.

The store was the same as always, an array of candies near the cashier and soda pop stacked upon each other in rows. Throughout the store held packs of what kids get nowadays: junk food. Though laid around were mediocre everyday items such as earbuds or chargers, which were simply begging to be bought with their cheap prices. Jackson and company mainly went however for the small table they held for customers who just wanted to relax. Though, behind the front counter was a man around their age, who they all knew well.

His name was Kasen, his parents were managers so it was the easiest job to get, from what Jackson heard. Whenever he’d visit the shop for a quick grab of snacks for a sleepover, he would chat with him whilst paying with the little cash he’d have at the moment.

His aloof attitude towards the job made the shop surprisingly more welcoming with his honest attitude. Which is its own downside since he makes the family more money from the teenage crowd, thus his parents force him to stay.

“Yo, Kasen,” Finn walked towards him immediately. “How’s today’s shift going for you?”

Kasen looked up from the article he was reading on his phone. “Boring as usual.” He wore his signature, busted nametag as well as a short-sleeved hoodie for the heat. All the while he placed iced coffee from the coffee shop down the street and a fan to keep him cool.

Jackson shrugged, “Well, at least you have company now.”

Mirana picked out three individual candies that each of them liked themselves and placed them all in front of Kasen as she grabbed her wallet. “I told you guys I’ll by candy for you,” she placed the exactly amount of money on the counter to pay, “So here you go.” 

“I still have to scan it.”

Mira paused. “Oh yeah.” She handed the treats back to him.

Kasen quickly put his long-cut blonde bangs behind his ear and scanned all of them to hand them back to her. “Okay, now you guys can have it.” He took a sip of his iced-coffee again as he took the cash to put in the system.

“Wait!” Finn suddenly said. “What about the drinks?”

After a quick moment of silence, Kasen sighed as the computer printed out the receipt. “Just get your soda already and pay me again.”

 “I still don’t get why you guys just have a table here…” Mirana sat back as she ate gummies.

Kasen leaned forward from his counter. “Well, it was my idea when I was younger, my parents bought it as a present so I wouldn’t be running around the store while they worked. Plus, I thought that people who wanted to stay shouldn’t be standing. Didn’t really noticed how weird it was until I got older.” He snickered pulling up his glasses.

Finn chugged some of his cold, orange pop and took a sighed as he swallowed. “Aren’t we the only people who actually sit here?”

Kasen shrugged, “Well, there are some who do, but they don’t bother talking to me. Mainly since they’re basic bitches, but they get annoying easily so I don’t really try at the same time.”

“Makes sense,” Jackson nodded, “You’re a good man, Kasen, a good man.”

“Yes,” Kasen chuckled, “A good man without an idea of what degree I even wanna get.” He took another sip of coffee.

“Isn’t that half the students though,” Mira questioned.

“I guess so. I mean, at least I’m pretty sure my parents will let me quit after graduating.”

Jackson indulged in his popping candy as the others talked. He already had a basic plan after graduating high school, though without older siblings like Finn had, he didn’t have anything to make reference of for himself.

“Damnit…” He muttered, taking a sip of his lemonade as the others laugh about some random new topic.

 ***

 Jackson had returned to his cozy apartment, lying beside his dining table and lightly chuckling from the thoughtless jokes of the media.

Mira and Finn had left hours ago, all the while his mother had arrived back from the hospital, cooking up dinner. Her bleached hair puffed up into a mess like always as her small eyes carried bags underneath.

Jackson turned towards her directing, eying that she wobbled as she walked.

Jackson stood up, closing his laptop as he slipped next to her and place his hand on her shoulder. “You’ve worked two nights shifts and a day shift to top it off, I’ll make dinner.”

The woman blinked at him slowly, only to place the cutting knife she held for vegetables and sighed “Fine.”

She stumbled towards the table and slumped down on a chair.

Jackson nodded to himself as she already fell to a slumber, and went on to cut the rest of the veggies to use for the last step.

The rice noodles were already being boiled and the chicken breast was already cut. All Jackson had to wait for was the rice noodles to be ready.

 His mother blinked her eyes open as Jackson stirred all of the ingredients together in a wok.

Jackson stirred repetitively for some time until the clattering of plates struck his ears. He turned to see his mother grabbing plates without precaution. Though, he shrugged and laid his eyes down upon the food. “The pancit is ready.” He said as he began serving food to the plate that had been passed to him.

“You’re starting to make better food than me, it took seventeen years.” Her mouth slurred as she spoke as Jackson passed the plate he held to her.

“I’ve been good, besides you passed out immediately once I offered help,” Jackson scoffed.

After gathering their food and utensils, the two sat on the dining table together.

“So how did your day go?”

The light shined above them dimly, and his mother’s voice was weaker than normal.

“Mira dragged me and Finn to the shop. She paid for treats though so I didn’t have to use any money.”

The woman sighed. “Well that’s good. But I’ll pass you some more money by the end of the month.”

Jackson dragged his food around silently. “You know that you don’t have to save for college money now…”

His mother looked down on her plate as she chewed up her meal slowly. As she swallowed, she replied, “I’m just trying to being precautious. My family budget got screwed over for my education around your age.”

“But you still managed.”

“But, I had to work my ass off while you were just a baby.”

Jackson scoffed, “I know, I know. But it isn’t like I’ll be in that situation.”

She sighed, placing her spoon down gently, “Look, I’ve been working enough extra shifts for the hospital to offer me a vacation week. Will that make you a bit happier?”

Jackson took a spoonful of his meal. “Yeah, just rest for the week though. I’ll take care of the house.”

“Thank you, Jackson.”

They continued to eat the meal until Jackson picked up both of the empty plates to wash. His mother meanwhile, sat at the table to have some herbal tea and bread. An array of clean dishes on the other side were waiting to be put back in place, however Jackson’s desire to was barely existent as he washed more things.  

“So, Mom, have there ever been survivors of area deaths that were in the hospital?”

“No, even the news says that no one in those places survived, you’d know that better than me.” Jackson could easily tell with her tone that she was confused.

He replied, “Yeah, but the news gets information wrong sometimes, so it’s always good to gain your own evidence.”

His mother took a sip of her tea. “That’s true. I’m guessing you’re making your own little conspiracy theories again?”

Jackson rolled his eyes with a grin. “No, this situation’s too vague to have a real solution here.” He said while placing a dish to the clean side of the sink.

“Are you going to keep trying to look for clues?”

Jackson groaned, “With how weird this all is, and the situation just getting stranger, I’m not even sure if anyone is gonna get a solid theory to this.”

His mother hummed thoughtlessly, “Well, even the absurd theories end up being true sometimes, so what do you got?” She took a bite of her bread in the process.

Jackson finished up the last dish and turned off the sink. He turned towards his mother with his hands holding the counter behind him. “The closest shot that I have is some artificial virus.”

She eyed him in a tired surprise while saying with bread in her mouth, “And what makes you say that?”

Jackson took a seat across from the woman, stretching his arms while looking at her straight. “Well, if you look at how the area-deaths go. They only happen in a specific location at the moment, and it kills everyone almost immediately. So, what if someone or some people had developed a virus they could activate and spread however they’d like. But at the same time if this were in a, most likely, terrorist perspective, it wouldn’t make sense to just attack specific people out of convenience when they can make mass destruction so easily with that type of destruction. Even more nonsensical that they would guess use this technology on singular people such as the children who’re kept and-… yeah.” He stopped himself from rambling too much.

“Hm, makes sense that this would be tricky. But maybe you should try and see other perspectives on who may have done this if there was someone in action.” His mother stirred her tea as she spoke, spreading the scent of plants and herbs across the room to Jackson’s dismay.

Jackson shrugged. “It’s hard to think of any. This tech would be impossible to create without tons of money or support.”

“With the world nowadays, anything can happen really.” She took another sip of her tea, tipping her head downwards only to get herself back up quickly.

Similar to past nights, Jackson got up to take away her tea and bread. “You’re going to work again tomorrow, right? Go to sleep.”

She blinked until she replied, “Okay, okay. But you’re drinking the rest of that tea for me.”

“That’s fine with me, mom.”

She got up with him as he walked with her to her bedroom.

“Oh yeah,” his mother said whilst slumping herself through the short hallway, “did you have fun with Mira and Finn?”

“Yeah, we talked with Kasen at the shop too, but I was still busy thinking so I spaced out for most of it.”

She softly chuckled, “Of course you did.”

They arrived at her room, all a mess with dirty clothing and mail, and she wobbled her way to fall on her bed. “Night, Jackson,” she said dozily.

“Night, Mom,” he replied as he closed the door with a soft creak.

Jackson walked back to the living room to go back to his laptop. All the while he was in the regular thoughts of a 34-year-old woman working herself exhaustingly for her almost already-independent child.

 ***

 Mirana sat quietly on the floor with her sketchbook while Jackson took notes on his bed for summer homework. As Jackson bored himself with science facts, he noticed Mirana had observed him with her pencil at hand.

He listened to her sketching on her paper as comfort, the pencil tip scratching ever so slightly against the sheets.

“So, what are you drawing now?”

Mirana placed the pencil eraser on her lip, focusing on his position yet again. “Trying to make a sketch of you, but this angle is tricky of course.”

“Why don’t you just move somewhere else to get an easier angle?” Jackson raised his brow, though her answer would most likely be predictable.

She shrugged, “The harder the angle, the more impressive it is to pull it off.”

Jackson typed up a quick fact that he’d forget later. “I still don’t get how people can draw.”

“Well, at least you can take pictures,” Mirana scoffed.

Jackson rolled his eyes. “You just don’t know how to take pictures of people.”

“Adding a filter like you do doesn’t work on everything.” Mirana whined quietly as Jackson turned to his notes again.

They continued doing their own work. And whilst Mirana seemed to have fun in her focus, Jackson began to grow a headache as per usual.

“Hey Mira, are you almost done with your sketch?” He asked.

“Oh, I actually just did. You still have those colored pencils I gave you, right?”

Jackson replied, “You told me to keep them in case you drew here so I left them to die in my closet. Go look there. I’m gonna get some pills.”

Mirana put her sketchbook and pencil, beginning to stand in the process. “’Kay, thanks”

Jackson pushed his laptop aside and got up from his bed. Muttering to himself about not sleep depriving himself before working.

He quickly walked to the living room cabinets, finding headache pills quickly from the last time he left it there. He grabbed the cup of water he’d abandoned from morning breakfast and took the pills with it, having a good chug of the rest of the cup for safe measures. Though as he drank the rest of the cup, thoughts raised through his head.

The quicker I get this work done, the more time I have to relax and… maybe get some money from a job. I’ll look after. It’s starting to get dark though-.  

His surroundings turned grey and silent as he felt a brush on his back in a flash. He choked on his water from flinching, though everything went back to normal the second he coughed it out.

Jackson gasped for air as he stumbled his hands towards the counter edges. He slowly breathed out, “What the hell…” as he stilled to calm down.

“Jackson, you okay?” He turned around to see Mirana by the end of the hallway.

Jackson let go of the counter and answered her. “I just choked on my water a little bit,” he sighed.

The woman crossed her arms and lowered her eyes. “I could hear from the other room. Your walls were thin enough.”

“Of course,” Jackson groaned as he straightened up his t-shirt.

“Have some more water. The pills won’t support your choking bit right there.”

“Sure, sure,” Jackson grumbled as his poured more water from the pitcher.

“So,” Mirana said as Jackson started drinking again, “what made you so startled anyways to that point.”

“It was an accident.”

“Yes, but choking that much by an accident isn’t really that believable.”

Jackson took another gulp of his water. “It was just random chills. I’ll look it up later or something.”

Mirana stayed quiet until she sighed, “Okay then, I’m just gonna go back to coloring.”

She walked back to where she disappeared in Jackson’s eyes. As he turned to look back at the window set on the living room wall. 

The streets were just as lively as ever. Kasen was probably taking a nap during his breakshift of the day, while Finn procrastinated to even read his english books in the first place most likely. Despite his rural beginnings, everything that brought out curiosity and naivety to him had faded into the mundane.  

His mind continued racing until he finished his drink, swifting the glass towards the sink to clean later and going back to his room. 

Though, Jackson opened the door to find his room floor covered in multiple dull colored pencils. He looked ahead to already see a blur of colors in Mirana’s sketchbook.

Carefully, Jackson dawdled to the other side of the room. “You don’t have to throw all the shitty pencils across the room,” he retorted.

Mirana scoffed, “They aren’t shitty. They just aren’t needed for the sketch.”

Jackson rolled his eyes from her ignorance as he sat next to her, getting a better sight of the sketch.

She managed to catch his appearance well, like usual. His light tan-skin was replicated using a simple mix of pencil shades. His eyes squinted smaller than they already were as he focused, which was a usual habit in his defense. Though Jackson noticed his hair was a brown mess, and he subconsciously fixed his hair with his hand as his eyes analyzed the piece some more.

“Goddamnit Mira, it’s good.”

“Thanks, I mainly just colored you but I think I’m gonna move on to an outfit sketch.” She spoke as she turned to the next page, catching some stuck pages out from seemed to be dirt.

“What kind of outfit are you thinking of?”

“Just a thin dress, for when I go out swimming, you know?” She started sketching out lines of the model’s head.

Jackson’s mind swirled about what type of design it’d be, though another question came to mind.

“With how many outfits you made, did you ever consider being a designer or something?”

Mirana scrunched up, tapping her pencil slowly as she slightly hummed. “I’m not really sure yet. I like doing art in general, outfits are kinda just another hobby but I don’t know shit about actual fabric stuff.”

Jackson shrugged as she kept sketching slowly. “Yeah, but you can always learn, that’s what half the internet was made for.”

Mirana chuckled. “Yeah, but I prefer using the other half,” she clicked.

Jackson scrunched his eyes. “If you’re implying what I think you’re implying, get out.”

She snickered as he groaned back onto his own workspace.

“So, Jackson, what are you gonna do when I’m gone for the next two weeks?”

Jackson opened an online textbook, “Oh- Wait, shouldn’t you be packing right now?”

Mirana said, “I already did all of that last night. It was pretty easy.”

“You just stuffed everything you had other than your sketchbook and materials into your luggage without a thought, didn’t you?”

She grinned. “Pretty much.”

Jackson shook his head, “Your car trip’s gonna be around 2 days long…”

“Yeah, but out of anything, all I really need for survival is my sketchbook. Same goes for my music but I always have that so no need to worry.”

Jackson sighed, “Don’t come complaining to me when you don’t know where your swim-suit is.”

Mirana looked up from her sketchbook, “What? I got too focused on something.”

Of course, he thought. His screen became his sight again as he said, “Just don’t die in Massachusetts.”

“You’d probably like it more than me really, colder than here in New York City.”

Jackson smiled. “Trust me, I don’t like anything considering the weather.”

 ***

 “It’s been two weeks. More kids died in their apartments. News is saying that people are starting to move. And at the same time, we still have no idea why this is happening in the first place.”

Finn commented, “There haven’t been anything else like this outside of NYC, so it could be worse.”

Jackson snapped back, “But what if it does get worse?” He slammed down his laptop from the kitchen table, walking off to refill his glass of water from minutes prior.

“Jackson?”

He chugged his cup full down with a vitamin D pill quickly, coughing and wiping his mouth with a sigh as he finished. “What,” he gasped.

 “You’re getting stressed again. Calm down.”

Jackson huffed. “I don’t understand what’s going on anymore. The press would’ve released something weeks ago explaining, but all I get is shitty blogposts.”

He sat at his table again, arms over his head and kicking his long legs back and forth from the stool. “If we keep this up, we’re all gonna die soon enough.”

Finn stood silently, then sat on another stool on the side. He clapped his hands together while taking a breath. “Okay. Jackson, we aren’t gonna die. Out of anything if we see people die, just turn for it until you’re out of the area completely. Maybe try not to breathe, I don’t know.”

“But we still don’t know the main cause, we’re fucked.”

“Jackson, you have to calm down,” he patted Jackson’s back.

Jackson said blankly, “What’ll happen if my mom gets involved?”

“Jackson!” Hands stuck his arms tightly, turning him to face Finn again, who was stricken with concern in his eyes. “You need to stop worrying about this stuff. You should know out of everybody that it’s not good for you.”

Jackson blinked, then replied slowly, “If we stop doing anything, we’ll get nowhere. If we don’t know anything, we’ll get nowhere… We need this.”

Finn sighed, letting him go steadily. He glared at him softly, “Just don’t stress yourself out like that anymore.”

“Don’t worry. I think I’m fine now, I’ll just take some relax pills.” Jackson stood and turned to the cabinet of pills, grabbing a bottle of valerian root pills. He refilled his cup again to take it in.

He finished the cup silently as Finn attempting to make conversation after their talk.

“Huh, that’s a first.”

Finn cocked a brow. “What?”

Jackson said, “I’ve been having these weird chills lately at random, and over half the time it was when I was drinking water. And for the first time in two weeks,” he raised his cup, “I was able to drink an entire cup without getting any.”

“Wait,” Finn asked, “Is that why you’ve been drinking tons of water and choking?”

Jackson nodded, “Yeah, didn’t really like it but I wanted to see how long it’d last. Besides I stay inside so much that I might as well get a lot of hygiene to compensate.”

“Understandable.” Finn went back to his phone. “So, you said that you were hanging out with Mira tomorrow when she comes back, right?”

“Yeah, down at the Amersford park at 2:30.”

“Do you think I can join a bit after? I’ll be like an hour late since I’m gonna hang out with some of the basketball guys.”

Jackson shrugged, “Yeah sure, she’s pretty much just hanging out with us as a way of getting out of unpacking for a bit so the more the merrier.”

Finn chuckled, “Her room’s gonna be a disaster either way so it’s fine.”

“I’ll text her later. But for right now, you’ll go do my math work for me.”

 ***

 Jackson’s phone buzzed while he looked at pop culture news. He picked it up to see Mirana’s name plastered on the phone.

He clicked the green button and answered, “Are you almost here? It’s almost two.”

“We got here earlier than expected, so do you think you can come over now?”

Jackson looked at himself, dressed in a random t-shirt and a pair of boxers yet again. “I can, but I need some time to get ready first.”

“You’re in your boxers again, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Okay I’m just gonna wait with YouTube. See ya soon.”

She hung up right afterwards.

Jackson groaned from his own lack of sleep and got up regretfully. After taking deep breath, he dashed to his drawer and quickly dressed himself. He immediately brushed his teeth in the bathroom, washed up his face, and fixed up his hair. He snatched his newsie-cap and phone to be completely ready to go in the record-time speed of five minutes.

He quietly said goodbye to his resting mother before going off.

Jackson called her again as he started walking to the park.

“Are you out of your house yet?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way.”

“Good, you’re being productive.”

“Unlike you.”

“Shut up”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Oh, bye then.”

Jackson hung up the phone as he started to take his ten-minute walk of the week.

 ***

 Just a block away from Amersfort park, and Jackson only struck silence in his ears. He cocked his head to say the least once he noticed.

He walked to the entrance steadily. He found a scent wasn’t of the city’s smoke, which was utmost peculiar causing him to walk quicker.

A thick atmosphere comforted around him as he got closer, and his hand suddenly began to burn but he ignored it during the flashes of monochrome that appeared in his sights, with chills going down his spine continuously.

He got to the entrance, and slowly turned to see what exactly was going on.

His eyes widened to the point where it hurt. His blood ran colder than it had ever been before as his heartbeat sped up faster and faster. His eyes slowly began having forming thick, wet tears that burned against his cold figure.

He couldn’t stop staring at all of messy, bloody bodies that laid before him. The eyes of pain they’d left only made sense with the giant puncture on their bodies.

And what laid across the entrance of the park was dyed-red hair that he could always remember.

Mirana ended up dead in New York City.

Though, as Jackson stood in shock, his eyes caught a black figure standing. It was ginormous, skin wrinkled up to its spine and a black aura surrounding them as well. However, its paws held thick claws that were stained red.

This isn’t real.

The monster turned and saw Jackson.

This isn’t real.

It took a single step towards him.

He could barely think.

He could barely tell reality anymore

However, one single thought formed completely.

Run.

[volleydorkscentral]

ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS IN THE UNUSUAL ASK GAME, YOU COWARD.

First of all: 

Second, questions under the cut: 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Spotify! all the way. i hoarse my bf’s account so he can never listen but i don’t care it’s mine now it’s full of my music and my playlists and whenever i’m listening to it and it suddenly changes cause he tries to use it on his phone I call him, “are you using spotify?” “oh. i mean i can listen to something else?” “cool, thanks!” and i get my music back. :D

is your room messy or clean? - it’s somewhere in between. my actual ROOM (bed room, i assume) is pretty clean, except i never make the bed. but the house is .. a work in progress. it’s not dirty but it’s cluttered so my bf and I are having to work together to clear that and build shelves and stuff for more storage space.

what color are your eyes? - dark brown! (with little green flecks when I cry)

do you like your name? why? - Not really? i don’t hate it. My mom wanted to name me Savannah but they had her sign the certificate while she was still drugged from her c-section so it ended up as Crystal?? Idk. She named her dolls Crystal when she was a kid.

what is your relationship status? - dating for almost six years. 

how many times a week do you shower? uhhh idk. I don’t shower every day (unless i get gross). AT LEAST four times… but I don’t wash my hair every time cause that’s bad for my hair. I SHOWER WHEN I AM DIRTY.

favorite tv show? does Haikyuu!! count? that’s probably a given. HM. Well, we don’t have cable so I don’t watch a lot of NEW shows? …. OH. Duh. Fuckin me I’m a dumbass. Bob’s Burgers. I literally have it on ALL THE TIME. I don’t like silence so it’s ALWAYS on in the background if i’m not listening to music. I’ve seen every episode a zillion times. I can usually pinpoint every scene and the major lines/jokes.

shoe size? most brands it’s 5 1/2 

how tall are you? SHORTER THAN NISHINOYA BUT TALLER THAN YACHI. I’m like… 5ft-5’1 depending on how much my back hurts. (i used that earlier and someone said it was funny and i’m trash so i’ll repeat it here!)

sandals or sneakers? i wear Bobs LOL. (knock off toms) and i’ve got one pair of sneakers and sometimes I wear my ballet flats around even though my bf says they look dumb fuck u they’re comfy.

do you go to the gym? No. I used to, but where I live now it’d be like a 45 min drive. I don’t really LIKE gyms though? working out is boring to me. No matter how hard I try. I’d love to start dancing again for real.

describe your dream date - April 25th because it’s not too cold and not too hot. Okay but jk that’s a lie where I live it’s balls hot in april. Idk. I’d like to go hiking when it’s not very hot? Take my dog, let her run around. Take a picnic. Sit in a grassy field and talk about dumb shit cause we know each other’s dreams and hopes by now.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? UHM. fuck like…. $27? i know there’s a twenty and a handful of ones. And a handful of change.

what color socks are you wearing? - NONE. MY FEET ARE COLD. FOREVER COLD.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - pft like 6.

do you have a job? what do you do? - No; I quit after being over worked, under appreciated, cheated out of my paychecks a few times, and no job still due to lingering health issues.

how many friends do you have? answered this already!

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - UHM. Idk i haven’t murdered anyone. I don’t like this question cause if i really try to answer it i’ll spiral into a frustrated, furious depression and self-hatred so… NOPE.

whats your favorite candle scent? i’ve got this candle i got from etsy that’s like… Scottish Highlands? It’s grassy and kinda MAGICY.

3 favorite boy names - i don’t really have favorite names?

3 favorite girl names - answered already

favorite actor? god idk. i’m so bad with names and celebrities. uhm. I really like don’t have a favorite. I LIKE a bunch. Benedict Cumberbatch; Freddie Highmore… uhm. uh. Hugh Laurie? 

favorite actress? IDK OKAY?? I LIKE a bunch but i don’t favorite?? I really like Gwendoline Christie. Uhm. Anne Hathaway makes me laugh. MAGGIE SMITH. how could i forget!??!

who is your celebrity crush? I LEGIT don’t have one.

favorite movie? CLUE takes the top spot most days.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

money or brains?  personality, bitch.

do you have a nickname? what is it? not *really* but people online used to call me Chrys. My bf calls me ‘sweetie’ sometimes but he also calls the dog that so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

how many times have you been to the hospital? - uhm. like the er? Once when I broke my arm. Doc in the box? Not since 2017.

top 10 favorite songs - PFT. Uhm. Jesus just let me die a little. Excluding all Disney; Not in any order:

No One - Biometrix

Danser - Lisandro Cuxi

A Single Moment of Sincerity (E) - Asking Alexandria (the band I was listening to when I designed my rockstar MC that I love so much)

The Annabel Trilogy (a series of 3 albums) - Alesana. Can’t pick a single song because they’re all a part of a huge story. Listen to them.

Chucky vs. The Giant Tortoise - Dance Gavin Dance

Anticoagulant - Sianvar

Ohioisonfire - Of Mice & Men

Coincidance - Handsome Dancer (Watch the Video for the love of god. THANKS ASH FOR THIS GEM)

Devil’s Backbone - The Civil Wars

Still Here - Digital Daggers (i’ve been listening it to a lot for inspiration for a new AU so… yup. That’s gonna be fun and painful)

do you take any medications daily? - yup

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - i got dry ass skin it sucks

what is your biggest fear? - uhm… physical fear? idk. Heights is a big one that I developed? I used to not care but a while ago I was walking on a bridge and I just… looked over and got FUCKING DIZZZY with nausea and fear that I was gonna fall and almost fainted. 

how many kids do you want? - HONESTLY… one or two.

whats your go to hair style? - tried to brush but gave up so just threw it in a claw clip

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - moderate? one story, four bedrooms. big ass yard though for the dog

who is your role model? - I don’t really have one.

what was the last compliment you received? - answered already

what was the last text you sent? - actual TEXT message? ‘as long as there’s someone with her overnight she’ll be okay during the day cause of the dog door and stuff. just play with her before you go to work and maybe hide some treats around the house for her to hunt for’ - texting my friend that’s gonna house sit while we go on a family vacation soon.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - UH idk the age? i know I saw my mom writing scavenger cards though. My fam has never had a lot of money so to make Christmas more interesting my mom/grandparents (we lived with them till I was in 3rd grade) would make these elaborate scavenger hunts for me and my cousins to do to find our presents around the house or out in the barn or, on one memorable occasion, at the bottom of our pool! Good memories. 

what is your dream car? - one that RUNS and has badass AC and speakers

opinion on smoking? - hate it. please don’t do it around me. my bf’s family alllllll smoke all the time and i get so sick when i have to go on vacation with them and be around it for a long time. 

do you go to college? - i DID. I went to Culinary school and majored in Baking & Pastry

what is your dream job? - Author or Dog Trainer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - rural as all hell. give me trees, cows, and horses. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Not usually? but usually the people i’m with do. 

do you have freckles? Not on my face (except one) but i’ve got more like… on my arms and just randomly all over but i dont think ‘freckles’ would be what anyone thinks of when they think of me

do you smile for pictures? - only if i’m forced to be in them

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well. Before I got my new phone it was over 10k. Now though its only about 2k. 

have you ever peed in the woods? - Only when I was camping. 

do you still watch cartoons? - ALL THE GODDAMN TIME

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - neither. but i HATE WENDYS and can tolerate McD’s fries and they’ve got ballin’ sweet tea so I guess McD.

Favorite dipping sauce? this honey dijon creamy thing at my favorite French restaurant but idk what is is.

what do you wear to bed? - t-shirt 

have you ever won a spelling bee? - YUP. 2nd grade.  

what are your hobbies? - writing, crocheting, photography, reading, uh… i forget what else

can you draw? when i was doing it all the time i did ok? but i’m WAY TOO IMPATIENT now a days to do it. 

do you play an instrument? - no but i wish i did :(

what was the last concert you saw? - i’ve never been to a concert. crowds are icky

tea or coffee? - tea!

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - already answered this

do you want to get married? - Yes pls

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - (bf, but I suppose i still have a crush on him? is love considered a crush?) J. Y. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married? god yes. my current last name is my shitbag of a sperm doner and i hate it. my mom kept it after they divorced only cause she thought her maiden name would be too hard for me to spell but i would give anything to have that name instead

what color looks best on you? - idk. i prefer black but i’ve been told green and certain shades of pink/yellow. 

do you miss anyone right now? - not until i thought about it, thanks

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open so my pupper can go in and out

do you believe in ghosts? not until i’m faced with darkness and creepy things 

what is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing their food loud. people not picking up after themselves. people interrupting me (but not in the excited, OMG way. that we can work though) but in the ‘i don’t care what you’re saying i’m going to talk now’ way

last person you called` - my bf to discuss plans for his brother’s bday

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies n’ cream!

regular oreos or golden oreos? DOUBLE STUFF OF EITHER

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? FUCK SPRINKLES

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt that has my dog’s face on it :D

what is your phone background? - the art that Ash drew of Bokuto from my fic Just a Taste!!

are you outgoing or shy? - i hate talking to strangers but with my friends i’m pretty fucking loud and chatty

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people i know

do you like your neighbors? nope. he’s an asshole who neglected his dog and i wanna skin him alive

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i do my best to remember to do it at night but i always do it when i shower

have you ever been high? yup. 

have you ever been drunk? yup

last thing you ate? BIRTHDAY CAKE

favorite lyrics right now - idk? i guess the first lyrics that came to mind, even though they’re not my favorite, just ones that i like and were stuck in my head for a while: “All of the handsome fiction / will melt away / and when the flame burns brighter / Evaporate” Evaporate - Dance Gavin Dance

summer or winter?  WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IT’S SO FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER I DIE EVERY DAY

day or night? both have their merits

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - all chocolate but i prefer white to just EAT. 

favorite month? uhm. uhh. November maybe? for NaNoWriMo. 

what is your zodiac sign - pftt.. i think i used to be a Gemini? i don’t believe in all that stuff 

who was the last person you cried in front of? - ….. my dog? but probably my mom and Grandmother when my GM basically said my bf didn’t love me and was a shit human being and i was a shit granddaughter for loving him. i was both upset and furious and i walked away from them. (my mom called and apologized, but i haven’t spoken to my GM since)

THERE ASH ARE YOU GODDAMN HAPPY. that took so long LOL (I hope the formatting came through I had to redo it on this tumblr page UGH)

[himbosims]

The Simself Challenge? Is that what this is called? I have no idea. . .

The challenge is basically to make a simself then answer a fuck ton of question so here we are. Thanks @willowbomb and @sim-borg for tagging me. I’ll tag: whoever wants to do this because idk who hasn't done this yet

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Taylor

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? My childhood nickname was Tot. My friends call me d*ke and slut though so hey

3. BIRTHDAY? July 23, 2001

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? Series definitely The Mortal Instruments or the Infernal Artifacts by Cassandra Clare

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Both i think, definitely aliens. I don't fuck with ghosts and all that because I don't want to die

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Right now my favs are Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? Where I live we have five stations, one that plays music from the 30’s all the time, three country, and one that says it plays pop but ends up playing country anyways. So, none.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? Idk man, thats a loaded question. Probably vanilla

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? ??? lit… idk dude I was trying to think of something that's weird but I can't think of anything

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? Be My Mistake by The 1975 or Not Warriors by Waterparks

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Serious answer, lunacy (there's a reason its my username) not as serious, I just heard someone outside yell for the chillin’s and I started laughing because that word is great

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  I’m currently listening to From Eden by Hozier

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Shameless, Glee, Shadowhunters, Grey’s. I could go on.

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN?Love, Simon, Call Me By Your Name, or The Perks of Being a Wallflower

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? Obviously

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Spiders and needles

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? nothing

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? Everything, in seriousness, my selfishness or narcissism,  

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? Cats are my favorites but dogs are cool

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? Never have been

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? NOT AS MUCH STRESS

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? Irl- my friend EJ. Online- @hallowiamshebsims

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Green

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? Read 23

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? Read 23

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? Read 23

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? I don't remember the last time I was excited for something

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? Writing I think

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? Hannah Montana, Ned Declassified, Drake and Josh, Flapjack, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Chowder, Rugrats. I'm a true early Gen Z kid

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? My girl best friend, I dont tell him everything because i'm a secretive bitch

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Nah

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? Read 16

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? Both

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? Writing, reading, creating imaginary worlds to live in

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? I am almost done with History Is All You Left me by Adam Silvera and oh boy that book

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Paranorman: “You’re gonna love my boyfriend, he’s like a total chick flick nut.”

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? N/A

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? Cats

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? @hallowiamshebsims @simmerberlin @willowbomb @pollinationqueen @gunthermnch

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? The ability to always have the money to pay for things

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? My room probably

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? People falling down, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJq4jWSQNd

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? That’s cute

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? I have two teachers that are really weird about phones and talking in class so we pass notes instead

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? LOUD EATERS

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? I went to a christian concert when I was like 5 so there's that

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? Nope, I live in the south how do you expect me to not eat meat

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? Teacher since I live in the south and that's the only jobs beside retail or waitress in my town

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? The Shadow World, but I wanna be a warlock, not a dumb shadowhunter lol

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? Everything

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? I’m afraid of what's in the dark, which is a hard ass way to say yes

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? All the time but im tone deaf so its bad

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? If I was sick, yeah. Other than that, I did twice. Once because I had a really bad panic attack right before the bus got to my house and I called my mom claiming I was really sick, and once a few weeks ago because my dog got sprayed by a skunk therefore making me smell like a skunk

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? uhhhhhhh

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? New York City, LA, San Francisco, Toronto, Portland, London. Any big city to be honest

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? A dog and three cats

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? Both. I sometimes stay up super late and sometimes i'm up really early. And if I can actually force myself out of bed I can get a lot done in either of those times

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? Sunrises

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? Yeah but im gay so its not good driving l

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? Everything that wont break in a week

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Nah

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? I don't really have a favorite, I listen to all kinds of stuff

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Uhhhhh, Deadpool, or Spiderman

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? Nope

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? It takes a lot to make me angry but when im angry it's bad and I forget what i do when i was angry so i don't really know

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? Real

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English and Creative Writing

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Younger sister, younger step brother

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A starbucks coffee last night

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5’7 or something

75. CAN YOU COOK? Depends on what i'm cooking

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? Books, music, friends

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? Racists, homophobes, sexists- so basically most the people in my town (hell what am i kidding, this side of the Mason-Dixon line)

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? One of each

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? I am on the ace spectrum and I am panromantic

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? ‘Merica the brave

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? Sheb

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Like, yesterday

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? CallMeKevin RTGame The Shane Dawson squad

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? sometimes

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP?I guess this hell site

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE?My mom and I are kinda close, i don't really talk to my dad much (even though I live with him half the week)

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? Aussie, British, Scottish, Irish… all of them

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? Everywhere that’s not my state and the ones touching it

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 23

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? notta

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? Yes, but not crazy religious. I just believe in fate and that there is some type of higher power

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? Nasa bitch

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? I have an issue with adrenaline. As in, although i am an anxious person with too much adrenaline anyways I like to do things that give me a rush of adrenaline

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? I can't have my eyes pierced because I'm allergic to metal in the sense of having it in my body

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? Yep

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? Nope

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Next question

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? I mean netiehr, but i'm not a huge fan of sand

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? You’ve made it through your worst day before, you can do it again

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? I think so

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Sytherlin, not surprise

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? I’m talking to myself right now

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? Introvert

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? Nah, my writing is kind alike my diary

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? I give people too many chances

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Check the ID, maybe take the money and leave it in a bush or something. I don’t know

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? For sure

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Please don’t  tickle me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Nope

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? Read question 94

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Alec Lightwood or Magnus Bane, but young Alec because I can't be friends with 27 year old Alec

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Scared of needles, remember?

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Doing things for me

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? YES

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? Both

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? Not really but if my future partner wants some i’d be open to talk about it

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? My ex-best friend. I used to hate how she never had to try to get good grades or be good at things, she just was

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? All my memories are embarrassing if you look close enough

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? At least twice a month

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? Nutruels and black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? Sure

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? I think I wa son the news once

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? I have a lot, “Words have the power to change us.” “perhaps it is because of time that we suffer.” “I remain a work in progress until I die.” “The thing you are most afraid to write, write that.” I could go on

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? Sweet

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Take 2... ODD NUMBERS

Em you absolute MADWOMAN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU X’D X’D

THIS IS GONNA BE ALL THE ODD NUMBERS FROM THIS POST (feel free to still send even ones in pFFFFffffFFFt) so I’m putting it under the cut!! Gonna be looong!! If you wanna learn random stuff about The Matt, click read more. :P

1.if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read: Bird by Crystal Chan. Watch: Sense8. Listen to: this song.

3.three songs that you connect with right now.

this - this - this

5.have you taken someones virginity?

Nope. Not… yet? XD

7.if you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Haven’t had a proper one yet, unfortunately.

9.what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one, too much noise and flashing lights and people = complete sensory overload and panic attack. Cinemas are bad enough. XD BUT I would be pretty tempted to see Coldplay live!!

11.do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Sweet Cheesus yes please.

13.a song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

this :D jk jk if it was somebody I rlly cared about it would be my favourite song probably

15.do you want to have kids? How many?

*hYsTeRiCaL lAuGhTeR* buddy I can barely take care of my own impulsive ass let alone a kid. But I’m never one to say never, so… I really don’t know. I’m not gonna be the one getting knocked up though, so adoption or… something else, depending on my eventual partner’s gender.

17.do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes. The two people I really miss though were slowly killing me so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ better off!!

19.have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I sure hope not! D:

21.have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

1) Haven’t had one yet :’) 2) I really really hope I never make them cry, I’ll never intend to. D’:

23.favourite weather?

A nice, cloudy, kinda chilly day with steady rain.

25.do you wanna get married?

Honestly I really don’t mind either way so it’ll depend 100% on my partner. If they want to, sure!! If they don’t, I won’t care. I do have this thing though where I tend to pass out if I stand still for a long amount of time so that’ll be… interesting. X’D my only thing will be that I want the ring bearer to be either dressed up as a Hobbit or to be a v good dog so those are my only conditions to marriage 😂😂😂

27.what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

Frodo reaction memes. X’D

29.what’s your favorite pasta dish?

Ravioli is pretty hecking good! I’m getting back into pasta recently, I never used to like it bc we used to have gluten pasta and it made me feel sick. But now I can find out which pastas I like!!! :’DDDDD

31.what’s your favorite eye color?

Blue eyes are stunning. It’s funny, my Mum has blue eyes and I’m so bitter that I didn’t inherit them. :((( But rlly all eye colours can be super pretty!!

33.are you a morning person?

Yes in the fact that I LOVE mornings. I can be grumpy first thing sometimes when I’m still half asleep but I get really happy and energetic from overtiredness lmao quickly!! :DDDD

35.what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

My boots. I’ve had them forever and I don’t own any other shoes, apart from some runners that are still practically brand new bc I never wear them. XD

37.tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Okay so normally when I’m awake at 3AM it’s one of 3 scenarios: 1) I got fixated on something and don’t know how much time has passed, or 2) my insomnia has flared up yet again and I am this close to having a mental breakdown because I’m so tired, or 3) I got overtired and now act pretty much drunk and have too much energy to go to sleep. One time I sent Enna three separate rambly stupid asks about her OCs and I was so tired that the next morning I remembered I sent them but I couldn’t remember anything I said. She was super sweet about it. The end. X’D

39.who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

My Dad. We both love the stars. We were also talking about Pokemon and DND. XD

41.do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I don’t particularly like it, I prefer just downloading songs now. Mainly because I don’t like a lot of songs from the same band and buying a whole CD or record just for ONE song that I like on it is… meh. XD The last one I bought was an Ed Sheeran CD and it was for my mum.

43.what are your favorite memes of the year so far

I haven’t found any yet that really grab me, we’ll see. X’D

45.what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

I got my Dad a One Direction calendar once. We both hated One Direction. (When the cashier gave 12-year-old me that kind of ‘stupid teenaged girl in love with a boy band’ look I stared right back at her and told her with a straight face we were going to light it on fire. I’ve never seen anyone look so pleasantly surprised in my entire life.) My Dad loooved it. X’DI asked my Dad for a toothpick a week before my birthday once and he didn’t have one. Guess what my “present” was that year. Guess. XD

47.describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

V tol and thoughtful and pretty and talented and nice and spams me and sends me pics of cute dogs occasionally. 11/10 good fren, would befren again. :’)

49.is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

Yup. Should be writing 2 things and maybe doing something else but idk if I should do the thing or not so. Procrastination it is. :))))

51.what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

Any mutual of mine who just sends me nice messages or asks me stuff warms my heart so much. And anyone who has ever shown interest in my OCs has my eternal gratitude, if y’all ever need a kidney you caN HAVE MINE.

53.what’s some of your favorite album art?

Literally anything Coldplay has ever had ever.

55.do you like concept albums? which ones?

They sound pretty cool but I don’t think I have any favourites…?? Idk.

57.list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

This one (This one. This one.

59.what do you do when you’re sad?

Isolate myself + throw love at my online friends so hopefully they don’t feel like I do. Also drink warm drinks and reading and spending time with my pets bc they always help.

61.what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had?

I read this as sex thing wooPS. X’D Best non-romantic night I’ve ever had.. hmm… the night we got our German Shepherd. It was Good Friday. We’d finally gotten our puppy. We stayed up super late watching her toddle around and fall asleep on us. One of my absolute favourite memories. :’D

63.what’s the best piece of advice you ever received?

“You will only find your special someone when you are perfectly happy with the idea of being single forever. You can only be in a comfortable and loving relationship with somebody else when you are in a comfortable and loving relationship with yourself.”

65.what’s your secret dream?

Be in a Marvel movie one day. ^-^” oof

67.three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

The only things that come to mind are P!nk songs ASDFGHJKL XD

69.three last songs you listened to

Pffft the songs I put on this thing X’D

71.have you ever had a friends with benefits?

Nope but I’d be open to the idea! (i may even have plans with one fren lmao)

73.Is there anyone you would die for?

My family (friends included), my pets, what’s right: if the world could be magically fixed but I had to die I’d do it on the spot.

75.do you give out second chances too easily?

I used to. But then I used up all my second chances on people who didn’t deserve them. Normally if somebody really seriously hurts me, I give them one more chance and make it very clear for them to please not do that particular thing again. Everyone makes mistakes, I get that. But if they do that exact same thing again, I’m normally gone. I’m done with waiting around and getting hurt over and over just to “be a good friend.” That’s not being a friend, that’s being a doormat/punching bag.

77.is this year the best year of your life?

So far, nope. We’ll see though!!! :DDDDD

79.who/what was your last dream about?

I think it was about Shameless?? I heard there was a trans character so I watched just those clips and I think I dreamt about it. X’D

Thank you so much for asking, Em!! ^____^

[antikristvs]

Can you do all the asks? Even #68 :D

Challenge accepted, motherfucker! >:)

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? - No

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? - No

3. Have you taken someones virginity? - No

4. Is trust a big issue for you? - True as Hell

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? - Mmmmm not really I haven’t been out since last Tuesday

6. What are you excited for? - Upcoming new installments for Halloween and The Conjuring Universe. Getting a tattoo and a septum piercing. Writing new stories and reading new books. Getting myself together and becoming who I want to be. Many things...

7. What happened tonight? - I learned that some woman somewhere is eating mattresses

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? - Depends on the person. Everyone is different when drunk.

9. Is confidence cute? - Stop with the cute. No appeal in that. Confidence is charming.

10. What is the last beverage you had? - If alcoholic then vodka

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? - I am not sure if I trust anybody but maybe one I have no fucking idea

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? - Yes

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? - I have no fucking clue

14. What are you going to spend money on next? - I have no fucking clue...

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? - I have not been kissed

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? - I don’t know. All I can do is grasp myself together and try I guess.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? - probably @forestrunewitch , @cthulhu-is-metal , @herbeloved82 , @candied-corpse and I guess my mom, my grandma, Elena (in other words women of my family). A few days ago I would have said my boyfriend but... things crashed.

18. The last time you felt broken? - After my boyfriend broke up with me obviously. It happened a couple of days ago.

19. Have you had sex today? - No. Cardinal Copia and Papa III keep banging in my head like rabbits though. I’m trying to sleep you perverts!

20. Are you starting to realize anything? - Yes

21. Are you in a good mood? - I’m in an odd mood...

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? - I suppose yeah, I love sharks

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? - I don’t know

24. What do you want right this second? - I don’t know...

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? - Depends on the relationship status

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? - No

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? - I doubt that would even be natural...

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? - A story about a guy shoving a handgun up his ass I think

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? - Yes

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? - Depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? - No

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? - Right now is not the best time to talk about that yet. For answer why look at question 18.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? - No

34. Listening to? - About to put on my usual for going to Freddy’s - Infestissumam by Ghost

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? - Rather often

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? - Maybe in an alternate universe because that person, in a romantic sense, does not exist

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? - In literature

38. Who did you last call? - My mom

39. Who was the last person you danced with? - I don’t remember the last time I danced

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? - It had not yet happened because all my relationships so far occurred online. It’s not surprising, given my strange, frightening and anti-social tendencies.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? - A day or two ago

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? - Yes

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? - Did I ever embarrass myself in front of Bughuul from Sinister?.. Hey, Bughuul, there are plenty of your images round and about, come forth and answer that question for me! I’m joking obviously. Probably not, I hardly get crushes.

44. Do you tan in the nude? - I don’t tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? - For Hell’s sake, repeat, it never happened!

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? - No

47. Who was the last person to call you? - My mom

48. Do you sing in the shower? - Sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car? - How the fuck does one dance in the car?

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? - Yes. There’s still a hole in the wall...

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - When I was updating my documents if my mom does not count

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? - Many of them. But not all.

53. Is Christmas stressful? - Yes, given my usual misery on holidays anyway. At least lately...

54. Ever eat a pierogi? - What the fuck is a pierogi?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? - Apple pie I guess

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - A police officer. a rock star, I think a paleonthologist...

57. Do you believe in ghosts? - Yes

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - I might be too zoned out for that

59. Take a vitamin daily? - Yes

60. Wear slippers? - Yes

61. Wear a bath robe? - Yes

62. What do you wear to bed? - Usually random sweatpants and shirt

63. First concert? - Scorpions

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - Fucking Lidl. We don’t have these three in Lithuania.

65. Nike or Adidas? - Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? - Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - Sunflower seeds

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? - Do you seriously think I could name one? The closest I ever was to Taylor Swift was watching some parody by some parenting channel on youtube.

69. Ever take dance lessons? - Yes, I used to folk dance for nine years

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - How the Hell am I supposed to know

71. Can you curl your tongue? - Yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee? - No

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - I think so

74. What is your favorite book? - I have too many to name

75. Do you study better with or without music? - Depends if a movie/show is on or not

76. Regularly burn incense? - Eeeeh.. what?

77. Ever been in love? - Yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? - Too fucking many bands. Especially Ghost and Behemoth.

79. What was the last concert you saw? - Some local bar show

80. Hot tea or cold tea? - Both

81. Tea or coffee? - Both

82. Favorite type of cookie? - Classic biscuits, chocolate, oreos...

83. Can you swim well? - More or less

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - Yes

85. Are you patient? - Hell no

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? - Depends what kind of music they are playing.

87. Ever won a contest? - Yes

88. Ever have plastic surgery? - No

89. Which are better black or green olives? - Both

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? - As long as it starts with consent and ends with an orgasm

91. Best room for a fireplace? - Living room or bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? - Sometime

[somelittlewhitelies]

1-155 ;)

oh hey there, winky face

1: Name- Laura2: Age- 223: 3 Fears- dying alone, windows at night, and idk scorpions?4: 3 things I love- rainy days, my cats, my friends5: 4 turns on- honesty, a sense of humor, idk caring, making the first move? idk6: 4 turns off- assholes, fuckboys, liars, pickup trucks7: My best friend- Lauren8: Sexual orientation- straight9: My best first date- lol10: How tall am I- 5′6″11: What do I miss- MY FRIENDS12: What time were I born- idk I think around noon?13: Favourite color- blue14: Do I have a crush- nah15: Favourite quote- “a’ight” -Nick Saban (it’s not really that’s just the only thing I can think of right now)16: Favourite place- camp17: Favourite food- ok earlier I said it was tacos, but I’m feeling that it’s macarons right now18: Do I use sarcasm- never19: What am I listening to right now- random SNL sketches20: First thing I notice in new person- eyebrows. I know, it’s weird21: Shoe size- 9.5-1022: Eye color- brown/hazel23: Hair color- it’s reddish-brown right now24: Favourite style of clothing- comfortable25: Ever done a prank call? Lol yeah27: Meaning behind my URL- there isn’t one, I just kinda made it up my sophomore year in high school28: Favourite movie- idk I watched Moana a few days ago and it was good29: Favourite song- that changes daily30: Favourite band- The Civil Wars31: How I feel right now- I guess I’m ok. I have a headache right now32: Someone I love- MY GODDAUGHTER WHOSE BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS TODAY AND SHE’S SO CUTE33: My current relationship status- single af34: My relationship with my parents- we’re good at the moment35: Favourite holiday- Thanksgiving36: Tattoos and piercing i have- I have a cross pendant tattoo on the side of my wrist, my left earlobe is pierced twice, and my right earlobe is pierced three times37: Tattoos and piercing i want- I guess a daith piercing? And a tattoo of cartoon Calvin and Hobbes 38: The reason I joined Tumblr- Kate convinced me to39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? No40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Lol nope41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Oh no42: When did I last hold hands? I honestly can’t remember? I can be a hand holder when I’m drunk43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? Depends on how much time I have. It can range from 20 minutes to 2 hours lol44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? YES last night actually45: Where am I right now? My aunt and uncle’s house46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Probably my friend Haley47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable level since my ENT says I’m already losing my hearing48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? They think I do49: Am I excited for anything? I’m getting a new car soon, so yeah50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Too often52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Earlier today53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I’m guessing it would be a bit awkward, but I feel awkward whenever I see anyone kissing54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? I’m sure there is but I can’t think of one right off55: What is something I disliked about today? I have a headache56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? My soulmate? lol57: What do I think about most? When I’m gonna do my online homework58: What’s my strangest talent? I can make gimp keychains pretty well I guess?59: Do I have any strange phobias? Windows at night60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Some of both, it depends on the day61: What was the last lie I told?  “yeah dad, I’m going to sleep right now”62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? They’re pretty even I guess63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? If there’s proof64: Do I believe in magic? Sure65: Do I believe in luck? Why not66: What’s the weather like right now? Humid67: What was the last book I’ve read? My history textbook68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yes69: Do I have any nicknames? Too many to keep up with70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I pulled a ligament in my neck once71: Do I spend money or save it? I try to save it, but I usually end up spending it72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Yes73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yes74: Favourite animal? Cats75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Trying to sleep76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Satan77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Most things by Cher tbh78: How can you win my heart? Be a good person and take care of me and have a sense of humor79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? “She did what she could” (idk that’s just what came to my head)80: What is my favorite word? Shit81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr- LOL82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? “If you voted for Trump, why the hell did you?”83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I’m aware of84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Teleportation85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? “What are you gonna do after graduation?”86: What is my current desktop picture? It’s a picture of my granddad fishing on a lake in Canada87: Had sex? Yes88: Bought condoms? Nope89: Gotten pregnant? NOPE90: Failed a class? Almost lol91: Kissed a boy? Yes92: Kissed a girl? Do cheek kisses count?93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yes94: Had job? Ye95: Left the house without my wallet? Too many times96: Bullied someone on the internet? No97: Had sex in public? Nope98: Played on a sports team? Yes99: Smoked weed? Yes100: Did drugs? Not purposefully101: Smoked cigarettes? Nope102: Drank alcohol? Yes103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Nope104: Been overweight? LOL105: Been underweight? L O L106: Been to a wedding? Yep107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? 5 hours is child’s play108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes109: Been outside my home country? Yes110: Gotten my heart broken? Yep111: Been to a professional sports game? Yep112: Broken a bone? Nope113: Cut myself? On accident114: Been to prom? Unfortunately 115: Been in airplane? Yes116: Fly by helicopter? Nope117: What concerts have I been to? t o o  d a m n  m a n y  t o  s a y118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Nope119: Learned another language? I’ve attempted120: Wore make up? YEP121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope122: Had oral sex? Yes123: Dyed my hair? Like 2 days ago124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes125: Rode in an ambulance? Nope126: Had a surgery? Yes127: Met someone famous? Yes128: Stalked someone on a social network? Who hasn’t 129: Peed outside? Yes130: Been fishing? Yes131: Helped with charity? Yes132: Been rejected by a crush? Yep133: Broken a mirror? Yep134: What do I want for birthday? idk I got what I wanted135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 2 and I don’t know what their names would be136: Was I named after anyone? Yep! My grandmother and my great-grandmother137: Do I like my handwriting? It’s readable138: What was my favourite toy as a child? I had a croched blank139: Favourite Tv Show? The X-Files140: Where do I want to live when older? Not in the south141: Play any musical instrument? HAHAHAHAHAHA142: One of my scars, how did I get it? My cat scratched my face when I was about 1143: Favourite pizza toping? Pepperoni but it’s TOO BAD I CAN’T EAT IT ANYMORE144: Am I afraid of the dark? Not really145: Am I afraid of heights? Hell yes146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Nope147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Oh yes148: What I’m really bad at- most things149: What my greatest achievments are- I got elected president of my frat?150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me- I can’t remember151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery- put most of the money away for retirement and spend the rest152: What do I like about myself- I like how my eyes look I guess?153: My closest Tumblr friend- Don’t have one, the people on here I know I knew in real life first154: Something I fantasise about- being happy in the future155: Any question you’d like? nope

[jmkitsune]

1-100 (because revenge)

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

none, I have foobar and all my music is downloaded

is your room messy or clean?

in the middle, could be cleaner but not a disaster

what color are your eyes?

dark as fuck brown

do you like your name? why?

birthname- no

preferred- yes (hence I don’t like anyone knowing my birthname)

what is your relationship status?

single

describe your personality in 3 words or less

ambitious, lazy, idealistic

what color hair do you have?

auburn/strawberry blond

(Red hair)

what kind of car do you drive? color?

yeah no- don’t drive

where do you shop?

online

how would you describe your style?

rolled out of bed and making shit up as I go

favorite social media account

twitter/twitch

what size bed do you have?

futon so a twin

any siblings?

3 half siblings

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

tony stark’s house

do I need to explain? look at that house, it’s fucking gorgeous 

favorite snapchat filter?

don’t use filters

favorite makeup brand(s)

don’t wear makeup

how many times a week do you shower?

every other day optimally (depression days make it like every two days or so)

favorite tv show?

if we’re talking shows that are still going-

archer, arrow, flash, legends of tomorrow and supergirl, star wars rebels and samurai jack

shoe size?

9 1/2

how tall are you?

5′7

sandals or sneakers?

converse or boots

do you go to the gym?

nah

describe your dream date

*shrugs* don’t really have one, never really “did dates” growing up so eh

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

3 bucks

what color socks are you wearing?

white

how many pillows do you sleep with?

3 on my bed, two aren’t used those

do you have a job? what do you do?

long answer is I write/am independently publishing my first book while writing the second and third, I stream on twitch 5 days a week and edit said streams for YT, as well as clean a warehouse/office building once a week, then there is also the whole doing shit around the house cause yeah I’m domestic more than “work force” type

short answer- I am always doin somethin >.>

how many friends do you have?

when I count in my “still waking up” mind I think...14-18

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

depends on who you ask?

could be simple as a pun I told or I dunno I tend to think everything I do is the worst

whats your favorite candle scent?

eh I’m not REALLY a scented candle person

3 favorite boy names

don’t really have favorite names

3 favorite girl names

see previous question

favorite actor?

I dunno I like actors/actresses but don’t have favorites

favorite actress?

see previous

who is your celebrity crush?

don’t have one

favorite movie?

star wars or the MCU but more so star wars

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

the star wars EU (legends and canon)

percy jackson books

grisha trilogy

money or brains?

can’t pick, don’t see how one supersedes the other when both can change a person, so case by case or would simply say “why not both”

do you have a nickname? what is it?

JM

how many times have you been to the hospital?

uhhh not many, maybe like 3 or 4 times

top 10 favorite songs

really depends on the week seeing as I don’t NOT have my music always playing

do you take any medications daily?

nah

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

uhh I think oily? I dunno really this is stuff I never really paid attention enough to for me to understand

what is your biggest fear?

lol XD hahahahhaaha

replacement

abandonment

not being good enough

going from cared for and watching someone get over me/sick of me

not being good enough

sensory deprivation

being a waste of space/time to someone

how many kids do you want?

next

whats your go to hair style?

rolled out of bed and went with how lazy I am for tying it up or not

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

eh it’s a mediumish sized house

who is your role model?

I couldn’t think of someone

what was the last compliment you received?

in relation to “if we were deities of some form or another” from Adrienne

you would be a super interesting not-god though seriously now that I'm thinking about it (-...-)   You do always tend to see the potential for good in humanity where I often only see the potential for more evil. But I do agree that humanity has a stubborn streak to rival your own - they don't give up and they don't quit and neither do you. I admit to a (slightly grudging) admiration in that regard. There's no wonder Deity!JM would much rather make his way among humans than sit in the clouds and listen to a bunch of powerful privileged beings and their constant bickering 

I took it as a form of compliment...or something

what was the last text you sent?

“good good, was gonna ask if you were/did do that already.”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I was raised by a Jewish Mom/”christian” step dad so I was the kid in school who had that “secret jew pact” we couldn’t tell the other kids bout Santa

what is your dream car?

not really into cars, being in them gives me panic/anxiety attacks

opinion on smoking?

disgusting habit, wouldn’t ever do it, or date someone who does it

do you go to college?

could have skipped senior year to go...didn’t

*shrugs*

what is your dream job?

not needing to work to survive

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

retrofitted clock tower home

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

don’t go to hotels enough to really consider this

do you have freckles?

used to have a LOT not anymore

do you smile for pictures?

I smirk at best

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

like 10, I delete selfies after uploading them and I don’t really get sent anything so

have you ever peed in the woods?

name a guy who hasn’t for one reason or another

do you still watch cartoons?

that’s like 75% all I watch

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

neither

Favorite dipping sauce?

ketchup

what do you wear to bed?

whatever I wore that day

yes that means I sleep in like t shirt and jeans

have you ever won a spelling bee?

nope- never been in one either

what are your hobbies?

writing

 video games

music

staring blankly at a wall cause I’m unaware of anything else to do?

can you draw?

nope

do you play an instrument?

teaching myself over time (reteaching) guitar and  first time ocarina

what was the last concert you saw?

Papertongues, Neon Trees in Boston

tea or coffee?

coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

I live in New England, starbucks is the devil I run on Dunkins

do you want to get married?

I look at it this way- this is like asking “do you wanna be rich” ideally people either “yes or no” but it’s not a simple question, being married means so much it can’t be a “Yes or no”

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

moving on

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

*Shrugs* have no attachment to it BUT all my books will have it in the author name soo who knows

what color looks best on you?

I dunno

do you miss anyone right now?

sure

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed and locked

do you believe in ghosts?

you mean memories that linger in dreams/nightmares? sure

the undead? not so much

what is your biggest pet peeve?

I guess people invalidating what I say one minute if they don’t like what I say but then the next saying I’m SOO smart on something they agree with

last person you called`

....that was a LONG time ago, I barely call people

favorite ice cream flavor?

strawberry/vanilla

regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

neither

what shirt are you wearing?

my gray monarchy card shirt that I like ALWAYS wear

what is your phone background?

Darth Revan is the normal background

Revan and Meetra Surik is the lockbackground

are you outgoing or shy?

shy as fuck

do you like it when people play with your hair?

only specific people are allowed to

do you like your neighbors?

I don’t go out enough to interact with them

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

when I shower I do >.>

have you ever been high?

nope

have you ever been drunk?

yuuuup

last thing you ate?

uhh last night....so well technically YESTERDAY evening around...6 or 7ish had Denny’s with kyo and eden

favorite lyrics right now

little wonders by rob thomas I guess, probably not a good thing to pick a sad song lol

summer or winter?

uhh love winter aesthetic but hate snow

love summer for being able to have a nice breeze/cool nights but hate humidity

day or night?

im nocturnal as fuck so night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk and white

favorite month?

don’t have one

what is your zodiac sign

Pisces - like I am the walking embodiment of the damn sign at times

who was the last person you cried in front of?

probably Kyo or Eden I think if we’re talking bout crying in front of in person and that was a while ago, like few years, normally people don’t see me cry

so Kate- revenge was made, but it took me like...10-15 minutes to answer so :D could have been worse

[just-seheun]

bye 2017, hey 2018

I feel like I always get around to writing an end of the year post on tumblr even if i never really even get to use this site during the year.

well I guess it’s that time of the year (or new year I should say) where I try and look back as well as look forward.

let’s see what happened in 2017...

- let’s say, for one, ‘Murica as a whole kinda went through a lot of bullshit (still is honestly) - we’re getting rid of DACA, the tax cut bill was passed (holla @ the rich 10% and say bye to the other 90%), we’re slowly trying to get rid of/fuck up the EPA despite climate change being very real (if category 4-5 hurricanes occurring back to back is what we’d call “real”), and ya know just the firing of members of the HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention council in the government - to name a few (not to mention, continued police brutality, racial discrimination/injustice (tbh just racism as a whole), and dumb ass fucking people who - ugh 

well, moving on to maybe more lighthearted moments...

- I tried to infiltrate the Asian community a little more with (mixed, mostly unsuccessful) efforts. Idk man I tried. I think I did make stronger relationships with the Asian friends I started out with so, I think that’s definitely a major plus. (*insert thumbs up here*)

- also, kinda along with that one, I think I dived into more adventurous food/hangout spots in terms of finding kinda Asian hubs and places I vibe with (an accomplishment of last year too that I think worked and flourished even more in 2017). 

- Kind of cooled down with the whole going out scene. I still go out occasionally and have a pretty good time but it’s definitely dwindled down. We definitely started the year going out more but like I said, definitely calmed down a lot. 

- Went to my first Terp Thon FTK! Started my TTPT journey with the 1 million dollar year - pretty crazy and amazing. It was truly and unreal experience for all those kids and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Super sad I won’t be there for Terp Thon 2018 though. 

- oh! successfully (kinda) resurrected my GPA from a sad 2.7 (result of getting a 1.7 from failing calc2 and getting a D in bio) to a nice and solid 3.23 which I am tbh very proud of. A 3.8 and 3.88 (technically straight As - woo hooooo) these last two semesters - yay! Just also improving in school as a whole. I’m really starting to enjoy what I’m doing. yeah, spring ‘17 sem was more chill and fall ‘17 sem was more like hell but, overall I’m pretty excited about the work and studies I get to do. (like hell as in 3 2900-3200-word papers in the span of like 2 weeks) 

- Another academic thing, I added Art History (officially) as a Double Major which probably means a winter term here or there but still very exciting. I also feel like I’ve really learned a lot about the fundamentals of art history that I really felt like I was missing this whole time. Just like the basic timeline of movements and key artists from Burgundian Netherlands to Venice to Rococo to Realism to Cubism (and all its various forms) to Der Blauer Reiter to Contemporary and everything in between. All cool stuff - definitely makes you pay attention more to dates and stuff when visiting galleries and museums and just makes me feel more in the know if nothing else. 

- Again, another academic thing, I’m officially in the English Honors Program - woo hoo! This does, however, mean I’ll be writing a 25-page thesis but honestly it’ll be fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine... I mean I don’t really know what I’m gonna write about and I have to skype my professor for like 2 months in the summer but hey, it’s all good and if it’s not I’ll just figure it out (*insert nervous sheepish grin here*)

- Kind of started the process of cutting off 아빠 which take that with a grain of salt. It’s a mess tbh, I don’t even know what to say honestly. 

- Finally left Slaveway for good. It really tbh started becoming too much of a risk and just uncomfortable for me to stay. Not an awful job (despite the shit customers a lot of the time) but I just couldn’t stay longer.

- I feel like there was also definitely a more solidifying of sustained relationships and a distancing in others. I don’t know definitely still a lot just up in the air and a lot of familiar faces but a lot of new things and stronger bonds in 2017. 

(now, post looking at my snapchat memories from the year and realizing how much shit I did this year... lol)

- I went to 2 concerts (kinda); one being 2 Chainz and all of the many acts that came before him at Art Attack 2017 and the other being Khalid’s bomb American Teen Tour concert at the Filmore that I initially just went to because Sam wanted to go and Anh had an extra ticket that ended up being real lit. 

- Had like a little fame after writing an Odyssey Online article about Moco which was kinda cool and kinda ridiculous lol. I also just stopped writing for them all together after like less than one sem rip. 

- Also realizing I went to a lot of really cool exhibits and art-related things this past year which I’m really happy about actually. Yayoi Kusama’s exhibit was crazy amazing and well worth the wait. Artec house was really cool and just visiting the NGA, the PMA, the Hirshorn, the Freer/Sackler with a fresh and more knowledgeable outlook was really nice. Also starting those solo museum trips during the sem was really nice no matter how short-lived they were. 

Honestly this year was very different from 2016 in many many ways. I think there’s been a lot more growth in this past year but I and the community around me definitely went through a lot. 

- Something I realized this past year in unfortunate circumstances, was the prevalence of loss and losing individuals close to your community. I never thought things like death, loss, grief, and suicide were things that I would ever come across (let alone, this often) at this age. We really did lose a lot of young lives that were filled with so much potential and hope this past year especially in this community, including an old classmate. Things that we always thought to be intangible and far away landed right in front of us and I don’t think a lot of us including myself still know how to grasp all of that. It’s hard to see the people around you, the ones you grew up with and always had by your side whether you knew them well or not, lead such a tragic fate. This year made us think about mental health more and more. You realize in the most unfortunate circumstances that everyone has there own demons that they’re fighting. No one is free from them. Even in regards to Jonghyun, it affects everyone in the darkest of ways. 

This past year really made me think more about how fragile life truly is. I’ve dealt with and still deal with my own demons and the dark thoughts of my past and truly wonder especially in light of all the tragic events from this past year, what things would be like. It would be a lie if I said that they didn’t make me wonder about past thoughts of my own more. 

I think it’s sad to think that even as I wonder about all this, I still feel empty about it in the midst of being unable to process it all. I feel like in a way, whether as a result from school distracting me and my own self protecting or shielding itself, I’ve grown numb. I feel like my own mind is trying to avoid emotions at all cost in a way that’s pushing away emotion and problems by just not dealing with them (which by no means is the right way to deal with things at all bc you’re not dealing with anything). I don’t know, I guess I’m getting by and I’m not as broody as I was in the past but I wouldn’t say I’ve improved, I’ve just kind of paused in a way I guess. 

I want to end this post with a brighter look toward the future though. I think 2018 has a lot of potential waiting to happen with lots of things to look forward to that I think should be highlighted in this post. After all, a new year means moving forward, not burying your past necessarily but, using the past to cast light on the future. 

So with that, things to look forward to in 2018...

- First things first, STUDY ABROAD IN ROME for Spring ‘18 sem! I mean it doesn’t get more exciting and new than this honestly. Yes, I am super stressed and there’s so much stuff to do besides the fact that I’m paranoid and don’t know what to expect at all. I’ve never traveled abroad in my life, let alone lived away from home (ever) so this is just gonna be absolutely nuts tbh. I have lots of hopes though. Do I want a fairytale, movie-like experience? Lowkey, of course. But I also try to be a harsh realist when I can so, we’re staying generally tame about our study abroad fantasies lol. Still, I’m hoping this will be a chance to make new friends and hopefully make some of them in my art history classes as well as in the school in general. It’s been a hard few years in the whole making friends department seeing as how all my past roommates are very antisocial. Yes, I myself am also very much like this but that doesn’t mean my internal self doesn’t want a lot of friends lol. I’m excited to take a class with Evelyn and just experience the city while hopefully staying safe and smart. It’ll be a crazy and hopefully amazing semester with a lot of travel and just a lot of fun before my senior year. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and hopes for this coming semester but, I’ll just leave it at that (your girl really needs to sort her life out/figure out what to pack/pack/schedule the rest of my home excursions/get her documents together/everything else. Bottom line: we’re a mess lol.

- Hopefully a summer internship. Forreal forreal like actually. Your girl was stuck at safeway again this past year and we’re not having that shit again. Nope nuh-uh, not happening. Not this year mm mm, no. We’re gonna find one. We have to - it’s gonna happen. Trust and believe. Trust and believe! 

- Also turning 21 this year (although, this probs won’t be exciting seeing as how I’ll be legal all semester while I’m abroad, then come home and be nonlegal for another like 2 months and then be legal again). Look, I’m just looking forward to getting mimosas and going to bars without memorizing random identity information from Illinois. 

- Also 2018 is really gonna be a year for me to REALLY think about me. In all contexts, really. Academically; figuring out what it is I really want from my education and working toward making the most out of it, finding a real path for myself in terms of grad school and other things school-related. Lifewise; gauging how I’m going to continue my life. Graduation is coming faster than I can think and by this time next year, I’ll be gearing up for my last semester as an undergrad. That is so wild. 2018 is really gonna be me trying to buckle down, I suppose. Trying to cloud out my peers and their success/failures/paths and really try to hone in on myself. It’ll be a challenge but we’ve got to start somewhere, right?

All in all a lot was thrown onto the table in 2017 in a lot of different ways. It’s been a different kind of roller-coaster with much much more to come after this year (my favorite number year really, 2017). 2018 will be a test of time and one of the biggest challenges but, also hopefully a year with a lot of hope and potential for success. Wishing everyone the brightest new year with health, opportunities, growth, and burgeoning happiness! Cheers to all 2018 has to offer all of us and to all the things 2017 gave us! 

[ask-the-phan-site]

Phan Cam: Skull’s Debut

>D-4 Productions in Ikebukuro, Tokyo. KUROFUNE, including its newest part-time member had just finished practice for the day and would later perform that night.

Good work today, everyone.

Yes. Including you. We knew it was no mistake having you join us.

Thanks. But mostly have Harry to thank for this.

Yuto: True. But it was you who won our interest. Harry was just the guy who introduced you to us.

Ryuji: Fair enough. I’m just so happy to be here...

And still a little worried you know that me and my friends are the Phantom Thieves.

Yuto: You didn’t exactly hide it. You were practically wearing your Phantom Thief outfits while dancing.

Ryuji: Futaba told online that we were just cosplayin’. But I guess it didn’t take long for you guys to figure it out.

Keigo: Well, the places you were dancing were a little to elaborate to be done on a set.

True dat!

>Then suddenly, the door of the practice room opened.

Oh, sorry! We thought you were done.

Keigo: We are. Sorry for the wait.

That’s okay. That just shows how dedicated you are.

Oh, you must be Ryuji Sakamoto.

Ryuji: I am. So glad to be meetin’ you, DearDream.

>He shook their hands.

We saw your performance on New Years Eve. Including that beat boxing number you did. That was actually great.

Ryuji: You really liked it?

Well, it’s not something you find in the idol world very often. You’re probably one of the first to use beat boxing.

Ryuji: That’s something, I guess.

Kanade: Either way, you were great. I guess we better be ready for what you guys have in store tonight.

Ryuji: Well, I have been working on a new song, but I doubt it will be as great as what you guys have planned.

Keigo: Don’t sell your self short just yet. We haven’t even showed it yet.

???: But we’ve heard it’s a real heart taker.

Hey, you made it.

Like we told you, we’d be back.

We wouldn’t miss your debut for the world.

I wouldn’t miss it either. It will be a grand display tonight.

Itsuki: You must be Ryuji san’s friends. And Akechi, too. I’m sure it will be.

>We introduced ourselves.

Ryuji: Are the girls here, too?

No. They’re getting ready for the concert. We were just in the neighborhood and thought we’d just drop in and wish you luck like any good classmate would.

Really? I thought you wanted to know what it’s like to be in an idol agency building.

That’s enough out of you.

>We couldn’t help but laugh.

Keigo: By the way, congratulations to you, Akechi kun. You, Makoto chan, and Haru chan.

Akechi: Thank you very much.

Junya: Congratulations on what?

Akechi: Me and two of our friends took our college entrance exams a couple of weeks ago. (In reality, it was in January, but one of the admins writing this didn’t know that.) We just got our results... We got in.

Kanade: That’s great. Have you decided which college you’re going to?

Akechi: We’re all going to Tokyo University. Me and Makoto san are going into Law. Of course, I wouldn’t mind giving Science a try. And Haru san is going into Agriculture and Economics.

Yuto: That’s good. Those look like the best subjects for you three.

Mishima: I bet you four would be great at Todai (Tokyo University).

Yuto: Four?

Mishima: I mean, you are an idol. You must go to such a prestigious learning facility like that.

Yuto: You wish. I go to a community college.

Oh. I’m sorry.

Chizuru: Just be more careful about everything you find on the Internet.

Akechi: That reminds me. Next week, I’ll be moving out of the institution.

Ren: You mean that loft?

Akechi: Well, it’s more of a small apartment, but it’s closer to campus, so it’s no problem.

Keigo: What’s the apartment like?

Akechi: Yusuke was the one who told me about it.

Yusuke: I was just doing some people watching when I first spotted it. I was captured by its beauty. The vine covered building made with Japanese and European styles. It was almost...

It is almost otherworldly.

Chizuru: (interested) I see. I bet the people living there must be like that.

Akechi: I wouldn’t know. I haven’t met them yet and I haven’s even gone inside yet. But from what I’ve heard...

They’re quite the spirited bunch.

Ren: You had already left for idol training, so we thought we would check the place out. We still haven’t been inside, but I can definitely feel that kind of vibe. We were on our way back when we noticed that Ikebukuro was on the way, so we thought we’d drop by.

Ryuji: That’s great of you. Though, you coulda just texted me.

Ren: We thought this would be better... And Mishima wanted to look inside of here.

Okay, you already pointed it out.

Shin: It’s alright. You just wanted to know what it’s like inside the world of idols.

Mishima: Really, you understand?

Thanks.

Keigo: So, we’ll be seeing you guys there?

You bet. We’re just going to go home and change.

Ryuji: Ya know, I still don’t know why you’re in yer Shujin uniform when you don’t go there anymore.

Ren: ... It felt more natural.

Akechi: It’s no surprise. You’ve been going there since your probation.

Yuto: Probation?

Ren: It’s a long story. I’ll tell you another time.

Ryuji: Right. See you guys later.

>With that, we leave.

Ryuji: I better go, too. I promised my mom I’d take her to the concert.

Kanade: Same here. My mom and younger brother want to be there as well. We’re performing together.

>With that, they depart for now.

>The Sakamoto residence. Ryuji and his mother were getting ready for the concert.

I am so proud of you, Ryu kun. Your debut concert will be spectacular, I just know it.

Ryuji: Thanks, Mom...

But can you not call me that when we get there?

Mrs. Sakamoto: Oh, you’re not fun.

>They were just about to open the door when...

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Mrs. Sakamoto: I wonder who that could be at this time.

>She opened the door... Her jaw dropped.

Mrs. Sakamoto: Alex?

Hello, Hana chan.

What the hell are you doin’ here!?

Paine: I was going to pay you all a visit, but it looks like you were just leaving.

Mrs. Sakamoto: To Ikebukuro

Paine: Of course, I completely forgot that it’s Ryu kun’s debut concert tonight.

Ryuji: So what are you gonna do about it? Crash it and cause trouble like you always do?

Paine: Not tonight. I’ve already had quite the day. Tokyo’s as confusing as always. However, a J-pop concert doesn’t sound like a bad way to end it.

>The two were speechless.

Paine: Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone know the trouble about us.

Ryuji: ...

Alright. But you better behave yourself... He’s here.

Paine: Very well. I’ll be sure to behave as you please.

>With that, they leave for the concert.

>The Dream Festival Stadium, Ikebukuro. Ryuji had us come backstage.

Looks like the idol life is doing well for you.

And a new song to boot? That’s amazing.

Ryuji: Thanks. I so needed to see you guys.

Why are you asking it like that? Did something happen?

Ryuji: It’s... It’s nothin’. But I’ll tell ya soon enough.

As long as you’re alright. Just remember, we’re here for you.

Ryuji: By the way, I invited some other friends to come over to the concert. You should join them in the stands.

Your old tack teammates? I guess they would want to support you on your debut.

Ryuji: Yeah, Takeishi and Nakaoka would. They’re already here, but no, I wasn’t talking about them. The friends I was talkin’ about are from overseas. They’re with my mom now. But I havta warn ya...

They’re as crazy as me.

If that’s true, this will be an interesting transition.

Keigo: I agree. After what Ryuji san told us, I wonder they’re like.

Guess we’ll soon find out. DearDream is almost done with they’re performance. You guys are on next.

Yuto: Right. We’ll see you guys after the show.

>With that, we take our leave to the stands.

>We arrive up at the stands to find Mrs. Sakamoto... With five people around our age.

Whoa! Aren’t you...

Friends of your friend? Pretty much.

Mrs. Sakamoto: I’m so glad you could make it, Axel kun. And I’m also glad to be meeting your friends as well.

Thanks, Mrs. Sakamoto. After all... This would be good time to know what Axel was like when he was young.

(this was the only picture I could find, sorry Zach) You know, I could totally become an idol if I wanted to. I can sing and dance.

Yeah. You remind us everyday, dude... Especially since we can hear you all the way from the shower. (begins laughing)

>Hawk glares at Shark, but the rest of us were laughing as well.

I can see what Ryuji meant.

Well, you get used to it after a while.

How long is that? A hundred years?

Lioness: Ugh, did your bag just meowed?

Ren: ... It’s a toy.

Lioness: You went with that, didn’t you?

>It looks like I’m in a corner. Hopefully my level of Charm will get me out of this... But I have a feeling that Axel guy would beat me up if I did.

>Meanwhile, backstage, DearDream had just finished their song.

Kanade: Good luck, Ryuji san. Show them your talent.

Ryuji: Thanks.

>Ryuji was a bit nervous.

Keigo: It’s alright, Ryuji san.

...

Yuto: Look, I know your heart is racing. You’re worried that something will go wrong. I can’t promise nothing will go wrong, but only you can find a way to raise up to the occasion and set sail to the future. And with that song you wrote, it will be a show no one will forget.

You’re right. It ain’t over ‘less I say it’s over.

Yuto: Cool. So are we ready?

KUROFUNE: Ready!

>Onstage.

Alright, everyone! Are you set for the main event!?

>The audience, including us, cheered.

MC: Excellent! Ladies and folks, with their newest song and their newest member, I give you KUROFUNE!

>We all cheered as KUROFUNE got on stage.

Yuto: Now we shall began a new voyage to a new land.

Keigo: With words glowing with renewal and new adventure.

Ryuji: Some come aboard with us as we set sail to glory and love.

(with the rest of KUROFUNE) Let the hunt for the Treasured Hearts begin!

Dorkia Time!

Catch Your Cheers!

Keigo: Thank you for your cheers. I shall wear them with pride.

Catch Your Cheers!

Yuto: You give me the winds to go forward.

Catch Your Cheers!

(Still not a good enough artist. So you’ll still have to imagine.)

Ryuji: You are the stars that will guide the way.

(Reminder: The following images are not in violation of the Tumblr policy as they do not actually contain sensitive or adult contain. They only show the upper half. Please do not flag.)

(Imagine Ryuji wearing the same outfit, but Bronze in comparison to Gold and Silver.)

Innocent Pirates Series! Complete!

(I also like to apologize if this song sounds like the tune of You Are Mi・Amore. J-pop songs are one of my weakest points.)

Yuto We travel across the azure so deep A new goal of glory is what we now seek

Keigo This treasure that lies ahead is bright as fire A map to this prize is not at all required

Ryuji Sailing through time the shining blue

KUROFUNE For the real treasure of our journey is you

We seek your

Treasured Hearts Our spirits fly high Striking through the clouds like a bolt from the blue

Your Treasured Hearts Under ruby skies The real treasure of our dreams is you

Ryuji (Beat boxing)

>Everyone cheered and applauded when they finished their song. This was one of the greatest concerts I’ve ever been to. And I am sure there will be more.

>The dressing room. We came here to see KUROFUNE and congratulate them for such a wonderful song.

You guys kicked ass out there!

Oh! Sorry, Mrs. Sakamoto.

Mrs. Sakamoto: It’s okay, Ann chan. In your position, I would have said the same thing.

But there is a point to that. That was a most excellent performance.

Ryuji: Thanks, you guys. You’re the best.

Mishima: I already knew idols were amazing. But you, Sakamto kun, you and KUROFUNE were awesome.

Yusuke: Indeed. Even I couldn’t stop moving to the beat.

Ren: Same here. My feet were just itching to dance.

Akechi: As were mine.

Keigo: I’m glad to hear it. You know, Ren kun, Yusuke kun, Akechi kun, and Mishima kun, if you’re interested, you could try becoming idols yourselves.

Yusuke: That sounds like a nice offer, but I prefer to keep my style to a canvas with a brush.

Akechi: I’ll be book solid with my college work and the many cases I have to solve.

Mishima: I get stage fright.

Ren: I don’t think I could do it either. Besides, whenever I sing...

I sound like Lyn Inaizumi.

Well so do me, Ann, Makoto, and Haru!

Ren: Don’t get me wrong. I like Lyn’s songs. I especially like Life Will Change.

Makoto: I’m more prone to Last Surprise myself. Sis also likes Whims of Fate.

Hawk: If those clowns won’t take up your offer... I’m available.

Yuto and Kegio: ...

King: (Axel’s friend, not Tamaki) In your dreams, Bird Breath. Even if it is called the Dream Festival.

Shark: He’s right, dude... It would seem more like a Nightmare Festival. (laughing)

>Hawk glared.

?????: If only it were, but I wouldn’t want Ryu kun’s dream to be ruined.

>We turned quickly to see the new person in the room.

Y- You’re...

Ryuji: You’d you get past security?

Paine: I can be persuasive.

If by persuasive you mean you gave them a little touch of pain.

Paine: No, they just look one look at me and ran for it.

Axel: I can see that happening. What brings you here anyway, Paine? I don’t see you coming all the way to Japan for it’s new and old culture.

Paine: What? Are you saying I can’t visit them? I haven’t seen them in years and you’re forgetting the only reason you and Ryuji know each other is because of me.

Ryuji: Just remember what I said. Behave yourself and we won’t have a problem.

Paine: Oh, Ryu kun. If you think I came back to ruin your lives like I did before... I would have done it when I arrived. Anyway, I’m glad you achieved your dream. That’s all I wish to say. So I’m off. See you soon.

>With that, he leaves.

Lioness: He introduced you? Last time? Axel, explain.

Axel: It was back when Paine and my dad worked together. Dad brought me to Japan and that’s how I met Ryuji.

Haru: But do he and Paine know each other?

Ryuji: (looking down) ...

Mrs. Sakamoto: Ryuji, I think you should tell them. They going to have to learn the truth sooner or later.

Akechi: She’s right. You already told me, Harry, Peter, Yuto, and Keigo. I think it best if the rest of your friends know.

Ren: Ryuji?

Ryuji: ... Remember how I told you that my dad was an abusive d bag who abandoned me and my mom? ... That wasn’t the whole truth.

Makoto: Did your dad worked with Paine? Did they knew each other?

Ryuji: Let’s just say they are closer than you think...

Like the same person close.

>We were all very silent about this. It couldn’t be true... Can it?

Lioness: You mean, Paine is your...

Stop! I don’t think we need to hear anymore.

Futuba: He’s right. We get the picture. But why didn’t you tell us sooner, Ryuji?

Ryuji: Kamoshida already had some dirt on me. Do you think I wanted to give him more ammo? That the disgrace of the track team has a father who is not only an abusive drunkard, but a hardened criminal? And one who already has a daughter?

Ann: No, I suppose not.

Makoto: But that doesn’t change you are and what we think about you. Remember, some of us had a past like yours.

Akechi: I should know. I’m one of them.

Yuto: And if we cared about your past, we wouldn’t have let you perform tonight.

Keigo: You are a member of KUROFUNE. We care about you.

And so do us.

Ryuji: ...

Thanks, guys. You’re the best.

Keigo: Speaking of being an idol, I told the producer to let me give you your first paycheck for tonight. Here it is.

>Keigo gives Ryuji a check for ¥50,000 (about $450).

Ryuji: I’m gonna give it Mom.

Mrs. Sakamoto: Are you sure, Ryu kun? You earned this money.

Ryuji: Part of the reason I became an idol is so I can ease yer burden of havin’ to look after me. Since I couldn’t do it on the track team and Norman Osborn only used you to store his money, I hope this will make up for it.

Mrs. Sakamoto: Well... Thank you, Ryu kun. This should support us for a good amount of time.

Ryuji: You’re welcome.

>It was quite the dramatic night.

>My room in Cafe Leblanc. I know we already accepted Ryuji despite what we learned and I know it’s probably none of my business, but I asked Futaba to do some checking around. What is Paine really doing here?

Morgana: Are you sure you want to do this? Ryuji probably won’t be happy.

Ren: I know. But I’m worried about him. And I know Akechi is as well. Don’t worry. I already asked him. They should be contacing us soon.

Morgana: I sure hope you know what you’re doing. From what I’ve heard, Alexander Paine is someone you want to be careful around... Then again, he sounds just like the kind of person whose heart we should steal. But we should wait until we gather to discuss it.

>I nodded. Just then, my phone rang. I checked it. Ryuji, Futaba, Akechi, and Makoto were in the chat room.

I found something. Looks like you were right to talk about this.

I know kinda asked you to drop it. But now I’m a little curious myself.

What did you find, Futaba chan?

It turns out Paine didn’t come straight here from Landmark City. Before he left, he made a stop someplace else.

Where did he go?

Someplace with a lot of new and untested tech. He didn’t cause any trouble there. Guess it’s because of the big strong robots that guard the place.

Untested tech? Robots? That sounds like... Griffin Rock.

Griffin Rock, Maine? Max talked about that place in one of his online lectures... But in my opinion, the people there may be good with tech, but are not very bright.

What does he want from that place?

I don’t know... But I suppose we’ll find out soon.

>Just what is waiting for us? Guess we’ll know soon enough.

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Even numbers :}

THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU CRAZY KIDDO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU’RE A BLESSING ON THIS WORLD!!!!!!

2: is your room messy or clean?

It’s kind of a mix?? Like I leave my clothes folded on top of the drawers rather than putting them away bc the drawers stick and it’s just easier access. The messiest thing about my room is that I’m a human magpie who likes collecting shiny/interesting things so I have a lot of stones and bits of metal or ceramic and some nuts and bolts lying around pffft. XD But mostly I keep things kinda tidy.

4: do you like your name? why?

I DO NOW!!!! :DDDDD

6: describe your personality in 3 words or less

uUUUuuHHHHHh well-meaning, stubborn, energetic! :D

8: what kind of car do you drive? color?

I currently drive my parents’ car. It’s dark grey… not gonna say what model. XD

10: how would you describe your style?

Like, clothes wise? Either very simple n plain or outrageously colourful n quirky. Depends on the day. XD

12: what size bed do you have?

Double.

14: if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Oof honestly just back home (in Victoria.) A part of me also wants to try out a big city?? I’ve always lived in the country and tbh I kind of hate big cities because they seem to be filled with rude busy people but I wanna live there just to have something different and so I’ll know for sure and to say I did, y’know? (lmao a friend and I joke that we’re gonna move to NYC together one day, so she can keep my li’l naive country boi ass from getting chewed up and spat out by New Yorkers. I appreciate it. X’D )

16: favorite makeup brand(s)

No idea. I’ve only worn makeup twice, and those times were when my Mum begged me for a solid year until I finally caved and let her do it… grumpily. X’D

18: favorite tv show?

S E N S E 8

20: how tall are you?

5′4. :)

22: do you go to the gym? 

Nope, not enough money. I used to work out a lot at home and I got p ripped but because of my eating disorder I had to stop. Still haven’t started up again yet. :(

24: how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

21 bucks. :D

26: how many pillows do you sleep with?

2. One under my head and one to cuddle (shut up, I kNow. XD )

28: how many friends do you have?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  too lazy to count, however many people I interact with online. I don’t have any irl friends… god that sounds pathetic. XD

30: whats your favorite candle scent?

Absolutely no idea, we never have any. That’s actually something I wanna change when I get my own place. I like candles. They calm me.

32: 3 favorite girl names

God I am so shitty with names. My characters either name themselves or they don’t get names. X’D UUUUUUUUHHHHH, Amber, Ida, Carmen??? idk???

34: favorite actress?

Emma Thompson is an actual fucking legend and I would go to battle for her.

36: favorite movie?

How to Train Your Dragon or Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse! :D (If it has to be live action: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. :P )

38: money or brains? 

Heart.

40: how many times have you been to the hospital?

For myself, personally? Lots when I was a baby bc I had chronic ear infections and would literally just scream 24/7 and never sleep, I was in so much pain (poor tiny Matt. :(((( ) Once because I had a really bad migraine around age 13 that literally would not go away and had me throwing up every other minute and in such bad pain I wanted to literally die. And once recently when I felt super sick for months and months and finally went only to find there was nothing wrong with me?? turned out it was my gluten intolerance but dear god I had never felt that sick.

42: do you take any medications daily?

Just my asthma preventer (and I forget to take that a lot and end up not being able to breathe as well as I should, bc I’m the World’s Biggest Dumbass :)) XD )

44: what is your biggest fear? 

Physically: Not being able to breathe. Emotionally: The people I love ending up hating me just because I’m me. There’s a lot of irony to unpack there but I’m just gonna set the whole suitcase on fire. :)

46: whats your go to hair style?

Shaving the whole damn thing off.

48: who is your role model? 

I don’t really have one?? I guess my parents?? But I don’t really wanna be exactly like them either? I think it’s unwise to put anyone on a pedestal bc nobody’s perfect.

50: what was the last text you sent?

Screaming to a friend about how cute her OC is. XD

52: what is your dream car?

Literally could not care less so long as it gets me where I’m going and it’s neon yellow. X’D

54: do you go to college? 

Nope, dropped out of highschool early lmao.

56: would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Rural I guess?? But that’s only because I’ve always lived rural and don’t know any different. it’s quiet, I like quiet.

58: do you have freckles? 

Yep! I don’t have them in big patches tho? I just have like, some random single ones scattered all over my body?? XD

60: how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

Don’t have a phone and dear GOD I don’t even wanna know how many pictures I have on my laptop. Answer: too many. XD

62: do you still watch cartoons? 

OF COURSE!! :D

64: Favorite dipping sauce? 

idk I don’t really dip things in sauce? Maybe just tomato sauce?

66: have you ever won a spelling bee?

Yes, actually!! Woooo go bb Matt!! :D

68: can you draw? 

Stick figures? Yes. XD

70:what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one.

72: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Only ever been to Starbucks so I can’t really compare. 

74: what is your crush’s first and last initial?

76: what color looks best on you? 

I think blue does. 💙

78: do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Open. Sleeping with it closed freaks me out, idk why. 😅

80: what is your biggest pet peeve? 

Being condescended to. :///

82: favorite ice cream flavor? 

Mint choc chip! Or rainbow! XD

84: chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

GIMME THE GAY SPRINKLES EVERY TIME.

86: what is your phone background?

Laptop background is currently THIS incredibly amazing beautiful accurate drawing Oli did of my OC Ben!!! :’D

88: do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S. I used to hate it when it was rlly long but now it’s heaven. ^-^ Unless I’m in one of my ‘being touched makes my skin crawl’ kind of moods.

90: do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Just whenever I have my shower, occasionally during the day if I’m sweaty or whatever. Sometimes if my insomnia kicked me in the ass I splash my face n neck with cold water to wake up in the morning.

92: have you ever been drunk? 

Nope, and I really don’t want to be. The idea of being out of control of myself, even just a little bit, is terrifying to me. No thanks. I also just generally do not like alcohol, idk why. 

94: favorite lyrics right now

My all-time favourite lyrics come from Twenty One Pilots’ song ‘The Judge’ (even though I don’t actually like the song itself I love the lyrics):“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”

96: day or night? 

*chanting* NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT N

98: favorite month? 

Ironically, considering my character March is a giant dickwad, it’s March. XD The weather is just starting to turn cool after the grueling summer and it’s also my birth month! :D

100: who was the last person you cried in front of?

My Dad. Yikes.

AHHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKIN, ALEX!!!

[thesecretlifeofkelseybeatty]

Life on Standby - Brenden Daze,

Life  on standby.

August 1st 2010

We have 23 days left until school starts and I don't know weather to be excited, or discouraged. I don't want to be a sophomore. At all. Time is slipping by too fast. I wish i could pause everything once in awhile.

i feel like i need to become a more entergetic person. Live and love life more, ya know? I think I'm going to ask the doctor about some medicine again, and just see what she says. Dang it. That's tomorrow  D: Ugh.

Okay so today Brooke and I had a much needed get together today. Mom and I went to go pick her up. It was pretty much a silent car ride so she after we got out of the car she asked why. I told her about the night before and how Ryan got caught and everything. Not everything everything, just the nesceties. We were going to ride our bikes to the pool so we decided to get changed. She went into the bathroom, and my mom walked in the room. She started cring and hugged me. I felt so bad for her. I love her so much. Later that day me and Brooke went to the Greenleaf Village Pool, bike rode to Cold Stone and then rode to CVS and sat on their floor and looked at magazines for about an hour. It was relaxing…. this reminds me. I need to bring that Cold Stone Guy his $1.68 back. Crapppp, I need to do that tomorrow. Anyyyyways, then I went to soccer, and Lauren came over. I didn't tell her about Ryan.

Later tonight Tanner was texting me and then eventually just called me. I guess he heard from Caitlyn Mcquin that I 'liked' Andrew Combs for awhile and he was asking me if I liked bad boys.. I told him that I used to. But that I was really happy that Brenden wasn't like that because I was trying to turn over a new leaf. I told him about Cory, and how much of a douche he was, and how he tried to force me into doing stuff with him. I told Tanner that I was glad that Brenden wasn't like that. He asked what all I had done, and I told him. He said he wouldn't tell Brenden though. He said that Brenden had a lot of doubts if I actually liked him or not. I told him I would reasure him. Cause I honestly do like him a lot. I feel like me and him were kinda put on this path for a reason. Like with the whole birthday thing, the dog thing, the Felix/Yannik thing. God has some kind of plan. I can feel it already. As for the whole me and him kissing thing, I just told Tanner that if it happens then it happens. That I kind of want to wait and get to know him better but it's whatever if we don't. And then Tanner told me something really interesting. He said that I should talk to Brenden about everything that I've done with guys and like my past and all. Because apparently Brenden has been through some crap too. Which oh my lord, I freaking have telepathy because I was just telling Brooke that I thought he was hiding something. Apparently Brenden had been involved with a court hearing that went on for over a year ? He didn't tell me a lot about it. And honestly I'm glad he didn't I want to hear the real story from Brenden. Ha, Tanner is such a good friend. He is always looking out for people. And always knows exactly what to say. That kid's pretty great if I do say so myself.

I hope Brenden's not doing anything tomorrow because at this point I really want him to come over. I hope he can come in my room. Haha. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 3rd 2010

I chickened out at the doctors office the other day. I don't know why. My doctor is just kind of intimidating, I guess. I was just glad that I didn't have to get any shots. Thank Jesuss. Oh, and Cold Stone. Ugh. I forgot about that too. I bet that guy thinks that me and Brooke just ran for it. Haha, he was such a weird guy though. I really hope when we eventually do pay him back then I don't have to give the money to the fat flirt. Hm, that's mean. I probably shouldn't say that. I really am such a bitch these days.. ? Okay so after the doctor today me and my dad went out for lunch at Frishes, it was really nice. And needed. I really do love him. It just always feels like he is so consumed with Ryan and his life that he sometimes forgets about the rest of us. I honestly hope that we can become close.  I mean everyone has their faults, but my dad really is a cool guy. When my mom got home from work we went and picked up Jenny and Lindsay to go boating with Megan and her dad at Ceasers Creek. Alyssa, Megan, Jenny, Lindsay Brydon, and me all went. Tubing is so much fun, but I got a lot of bruises from it today. Ha, Brenden went to the Scream the Prayer concert tonight, and he said that when he was moshing he thinks that he might have broken some kids nose. Ha, poor kid! I would be so pissed at him, but apparently he was really cool about it. I think it's weird that he saw Erica there and she didn't even talk to him. I really wonder why she's so different online than she is in person. I should text her. Anyways, it's 12:06 and I gotta work tomorrow, sooo I'm thinking that I should probably go to bed now. Brenden's coming over tomorrow too, (:  Hopefully I can talk to him.. about everything.. well see though.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 4, 2010

I went to work, and got my eyes dilated today, Brenden didn't come over. I'm to tired to write anything else.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 5th, 2010

t's really annoying when you get off work early but you can't go home, and you can't go to Barenes and Noble and you forgot your phone at home and there's nothing better to do than sit in the car and write about nonsense. Oh well. Apparently were getting a cat today? Well, not we, more like Ryan is, but still! A cat :D He wants to name it Brenden.. and the cat is a girl. Hahaha. What a werido. I really like Hannah Combs, she like for real inspirational. She makes me want to do something great with my life. Honestly, I think I want to start designing clothes. Sewing is so theripuitical, I love it. And honestly this is something that I've wanted to do since I was like in the second grade when I cut up these once jeans and decided to make a purse out of it. I don't know. I'm gonna see if Debbie could help me make a homecoming dress, that would be the start (: And I need to re-learn how to start my mom's sewing machine so I can actually do some work at the house too. We'll see. I feel like in every entry there is always something about Brenden. Wow, I'm kind of a creep. You would think that we have been dating for years or something. But no, I just fall hard. Really hard. And even though I hate to admit it, I am a creep. It's actually kind of sad. I need to go to the library today. I want to see if they actually have CD's that I would like there. Omg, and if they do the library will soon become my new favorite place. / I need to finish The Catcher And The Rye. That book honestly freaks me out. It reminds me of Ryan's life a little bit. I feel like it helps me understand how guys react when they are depressed. They'll never admit it. They just run from it. Holden and Ryan have that in common. I've been mean to him lately. I should start trying again. I love that kid.. Mom's here. Were going to Staup to get school clothes. Mmm.

Laterrr;

I was looking through my mothers text messages today. It was random. I wasn't really snooping just bored and that was something to do. But I found text messages from Avery to my mom. She said that Ryan was speeding the night at Kevin Kash's. He never even goes over there. I think it's kinda sad that Avery can straight up lie to my mother. I don't know. I'd probably do the same thing if I had their lives.

August 6th 2010

I hate texting, with so much passion.. I never know what to say and then i always make these weird awkward long pauses, and i feel like I'm such an idiot. Well I guess i kinda am for making such a simple thing such a big deal though.. I don't know. Honestly though, I think me and Brenden have something, and I'm really just afraid I'm going to jack it up. I really don't want to jack it up. Why in the world would he like someone like me? I truly just do not understand. Anyways though, I guess a lot of things have happened since the last time that I updated you. We got the cat (: Her name is Cat.. very original right isn't it? No. Actually she was already named when we got her so Ryan just wanted to keep the name. Oh, and the other thing that I just wanted to state. The whole michael incident.

August 7th 2010

I really don't know what God wants. He lied to me. Would he lie to me again? I'm confused, so freaking confused. I thought he was a good kid. I thought he was going to be different one, the one who made me a good kid again. He asked me tonight if me knowing about his past changed anything. I just told him it only made it better. Why would I say that. Why in the world would I tell him that. This changes everything. I don't even know if I want to like him anymore.. I hate this whole deciding free will crap. I really don't know what God wants for me. Does he want me to stay with Brenden and just be there for him and try to help him? Or does he want me to dropkick him to the curb just so that he knows I'm fully devoted to him. ? I don't know… I told Brenden he could trust me, so I 'm not going to even say what he did. I'll keep it to myself. I really don't even know how I feel right now, or where I stand. I don't even think he likes me anyways. ):

Oh, and I puked again tonight. Right before he came over. Joy.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 8th 2010

I really hate myself so much. I don't know why I think and act like I'm such an angel all the time. I'm not at all. Atleast Ryan can be trusted. At least he doesn't lie to his friends just to take anvangtage of someone. I really hate myself so much. I'm a psychopathic lier and I can't be trusted. Why would I do that to someone who I love so much. I'm such a jerk. I don't deserve to be able to talk to him. I guess it's every person for themselves. I can't trust, and I can't be trusted. I'm going to keep brenden's secret. And if I don't. Then I don't deserve him or anyone else anyways.

I need to tell Brenden the truth about my past. The truth about Felix, the truth about everything. I don't know if I can. I don't even know if I know the real truth I've lied so many times.

it was only three months and a half months. He came at the end of August, left in the middle of November. That was the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. When I first saw him I automatically knew that it wasn't a good idea for him to be here. He was 17 and I was only 11. From that very first cookout I knew I would start liking him. A couple weeks after he had been staying here I found out that he was a cutter. I feel like that was one thing that most deffinately brought us closer. We were both depressed out of our minds. We were each others therapy. We didn't even have to talk about what we were depressed about. We would just talk about anything and it would make us feel alive, like we were real people. He made me feel like a real person. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He truely ment everything to me. And I'm still not over him. I never want to date anyone else because I feel like it's unfair to them. I'm always comparing them to Felix. Like with Cory. I didn't even like Cory. I just wanted to feel loved again. And even though he said that he loved me, I always knew it was a lie. He just wanted someone to  someone to take advantage of. But I was okay with that. I honestly don't think that i will love anyone ever again. It sucks. It really sucks.

Oh my freaking lord, im such a freak.

Later;

Brenden: Hey!

Me: Hey, what's up?

Brenden: Just watching tv, you?

Me: Talking to kelly on the phonee, lol.

Brenden: Lol, did she like dc?

Me: Ha, yeah. She said she'll know for sure weather she's going or not like this week. (:

Brenden: Ha, ok thats cool.

Me: Mhm(:

…

Me: Bleh, okay so I have a question.

Brenden: Yeah?

Me: Do you even like me? Honestly?

Brenden: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Like really like you, and I mean it. Are you asking this cause of what i told you yesterday? And do you even like me?

Me: Mm, yeah. Lol, I like you a lot. I don't know i just don't want you to feel like you were forced into anything like with everyone else. And idk, everything that you told me yesterday has just been bothering me a lot. I don't know why.  I should just get over it.

Brenden: Trust me I wasn't forced into liking you. And :( i'm sorry what exactly has been bothering you? i knew this would change something.

Me:  Like im glad you told me just cause i really want us to be honest with each other. (even though im not honest with him) But it just bothers me. I don't even know why. And I'm not trying to judge you. i know it's your past and everything but I just feel like your not completely over it.. Do you think you are?

Brenden: Honestly I do, I haven't been doing any of the stuff i did at all this year. i hope you can trust me. If you don't think we'll work out i'd like to know cause i don't start liking you more then you tell me.

Me: Okay, i trust you. but if your ever going to smoke please just tell me. I don't want to take all the fun out of your life, i just want to know. And honestly i really think that we will, idk. I just have a good feeling about this(:

Brenden: Okay, and i don't plan on smoking i have a reason not to now and i don't need it in my life and i'm glad cause i hope we do:)

The end,  

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 15th 2010

"LOSE ANOTHER DAY HERE, LOSE ANOTHER YEAR HERE, IM WITH YOU." I love silverstein so freaking' much. No one even understands. They are so fantastic.

Yep, so at this point i pretty much just got over what happened. Kelly and ryan = hook-up. Great. Ryan is really gross sometimes. Oh well, I only see Kelly like once every month and next time we hangout ryan won't be grounded so it'll all be fine. Okayyyy, so i haven't texted Brenden in like two days. I don't know if thats bad or not. I don't really understand the whole text thing. I don't know what he wants. I don't even know what I want. Ugh, annoyed already. I wanna hangout with him tomorrow. I'm such a nerd. I got a lot of new clothes today:D Platos classt, wet seal, forever 21 anddddd, glitter. it was fun, shopping with Ryan is a lot different than shopping with my mother. Me and Kelly went to Jenny's party today. It was actually really boring. I honestly don't even care about seeing anyone that went to her stupid party. I freaking' hate most the people that go to dc. Everyone there is just so annoying for some reason. I really don't have anything in common with like any of them. It's kinda sad that I'm gonna have to spend the next three years with these people. BLEH, oh well. Honestly if me and Brenden don't work out then I honestly don't think I'll date anyone all of highschool, and frankly i'm cool with that. Like i want me and him to work out, like really bad. But if we don't then it'll be for the better. Then i won't have to deal with getting my heart broken and i won't have to deal with breaking his. It'll same some tears. Ugh, i don't know. Maybe tears are better. I don't know.  Ohhhh, my lord. me and kelly went to Apex today. It was sad. I always feel like the biggest a-hole whenever i go to a service there. Like during the end i said the shortest little prayer, 'hey God, I'm sorry." And seriously almost started crying like right in front of Kelly. I wish that I wouldn't get so side tracked all the time.

Like for example the whole Owen thing. And how he was gonna get me the stuff, and then we were gonna go to Alex's house and get it tonight.. And I just feel like such an idiot. Like honestly I just told myself never again and then two days later, I simply don't care anymore. Highschool is going to be hard. I hope that me and Mary are tight next year. i feel like she's a good influence on me. I don't know. i really love her though, no matter what any one else says. I don't care what they say. She's fantastic. It's 2 am. I need some sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 16th 2010

I think it's really weird how I just started listening to silverstein again and how I was thinking about luke and how he doesn't like them at alll, and then the next day luke posts "my two favorite bands are.. yada yada and silverstein sucks.. sorry kelsey beatty. " and he tagged me in it. lol i don't know why but weird crap like that happens to me all the time.I don't know what it is. It's like my mind already knows what's going to happen, and it's just waiting for it. I don't know. Brenden texted me today. I'm glad he did. Hhaha, i think we have this little thing going on to see who can wait it out the longest without texting each other. Ryan has a catscan tomorrow for his arm… not the hand that he broke but the arm that he broke like 3 years ago. Apparently it's like not in the right place or something. I don't really know, but my mom said that he's probably going to have to have surgery on it. I went in his room today and asked him if he would go pick up Ariel so we could hangout. He was with Paul and Rohan.. and his eyes were completely red. Like really? In the middle of the day? I don't understand him. I thought he said he would stop. I guess not… ugh. He is like one of the main reasons why I feel like I haveta refuse to have fun anymore, well him and brenden. Owen texted me the other day and said that he would for sure get me and my friends some booze if we wanted it. I told him yes, and acted like I was completely into it. I know I can't though. I have to much will power not to. Which is good I guess, it's just annoying to see everyone else having fun and I know I can't. (jen ariel avery ryan rohan paul kelly) and that's just everyone who I've been in contact with in the past two days. How freaking' sad. I'm glad I'm not like that. "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it" I forget who said that, but I really love that quote. Soccer was interesting tonight. Mrs. Orme is seriously the greatest coach, or better yet, person that I think I have ever met. She is sooo freaking'  influential. Like all of the talks that she gives just make me want to be a better soccer player, and a better person. She always says that the only reason we are playing soccer is #1 to give the glory to God, and make him be known through our playing. Everything she says just makes me want to give my all during soccer season. But then when it comes down to everything religious I just feel like a terrible person. Honestly, what happened between me and God? I thought this summer would give me time to get closer to Him, read the word and go to church a lot. Instead I have just focused on a ton of other things.. work, soccer, and brenden. I keep telling myself that I really don't want to be bored, but maybe that's what I honestly need the most. Just some time off to be with Him. I don't know though. Whenever I go through these little religious movements I always go too far in the other direction and then end up relapsing instead of slowly progressing. I need some help I feel like.. like someone like melanie or shannon. I don't know. Kelly has been so extremely annoying ever since she came over yesterday. Oh my lord. She can never ever ever be serious about one thing. Honestly I truely think she needs some more medicine or something. I feel like she's the type of person that you can only hangout with like once a month or too and not get sick of, but everyday? Honestly? How can she stand herself every single day? It's confusing to me. Hahah, I just had a flashback to the first time me and Brenden hangout, hahaha. Wendys. lmbo. That was a really funny day. Woe, I'm super off topic. I do that a lot, don't I? Oh well I pulled a muscle at soccer today, my quad. It hurts.. okay anyways RE-CAP. Woke up this morning, went to the pool with ariel, paul and rohan were over, my mom got mad, went to soccer, pulled my quad, went to drug mart, saw brooke there, came home 9pm took a shower, ate dinner, texted brenden, got on the comp, now, going to bed.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 20th 2010

Today was the day that I met Felix for the first time. Four years ago. It was on his birthday. I remember being really excited to meet him, wondering if he would be weird. I remember getting his present, a soccer ball, and a bible. I wonder if he still has it? I really don't know why God did this to me.. I miss him so much. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this.

August 21 2010

A lot has happened within the last couple days. BUT ariel is here right now..

August 22 2010

It's 2:10am. Ariel is over.

August 23th 2010

Oh myy lord. Okay so everyone's gone now and i actually have some free time to talk about everything that has happened. Ughhhhh. Alright.

Soooo, basically the main highlight of everything right now issues brenden asked me out.. yeah. Haha(: Me and Ariel went over to his house last night and it was really boring until when we left and dan dickerson took us to the linden wall, it was just kinda random and pretty much really just freaked me out, a lot. Like why would he take us to Dayton out of all places. I don't really get it. But whatever, we had nothing else to do so why not. When we were walkingloike over to the wall area these two random kids passed us. Brenden knew them.. Amusing. It was almost ten on a saturday night and they were just riding bikes around dayton. And he knows those kids. Funny stuff. If he used to do all that stuff i really don't know why he would take us down there. I told him it was really sketchy and then we just decided to leave and go to steak and shake. I got a hamburger and ariel got this huge giant thing of cheese fries. And she ate the whole thing. Hhahaha, she was acting like she was so high that night. Like honestly our red-haired creepy waiter even asked her if she was smoking something. And then he asked tanner if he knew a kid named luke cause he looked exactly like him. Haahha, he was creepin like crazy. But honestly it was really awkward and it was fun but you could tell brenden wasn't having that much fun so it made it not really that fun. But then we just came home and watched saw 3 and talked alittle bit, and then my mom came like really early and was just waiting in the drive-way. I told her that I didn't want to… this part is pointless. But then we ended up staying until like 1:30ish and he walked me and ariel outside and then he was like, " sooo I have kinda been wanting to ask you something, like all night. " and i was just like really confused and wanted to know what it was. So i was like " hahha what? " and then he was like " do you want to go out " and then I was like flipping out and was smiling like crazy and was really excited and hugged him and everything and it was really cute. But then like the next day at church it was just like really weird. Cause I feel like we didn't really talk at alll, like he came in late and kelly and ariel were sitting there with me and like the sermon started so i felt like we should probably be quiet and everything… but it was just weird like even afterwards and everything. Like we got begals and I felt like I couldn't even eat them. Like I honestly can't even eat at all in front of him. I don't know what it is. And while i was walking out the door I felt ilke i was just gonna puke and it was really bad. And super awkward and  i don't know. I want to be able to be comfortable around him is all. My mind just goes completely blank whenever im around him, I can't stand it. I hope schools not awkward. But I feel like it might be sooo maybe I should like pre-plan what I'm gonna do. Like should I go to his locker? Even though it's in the jounior hall way and I'm all the way in the freshman hall? No, i don't think so. I don't know.

KAY WHATEVER, different subject. Lmao, initiation for soccer was so funny.

August 24th 2010

I annoy the hell out of myself quite often. First day of school! I like most of my classes, except, 4th and 5th period. Them are crapppp. And I didn't see brenden all day except for lunch and then we had art after. He slept like the entire time though. i really honestly think he regrets asking me out. Like to be official or whatever.. i don't know. We'll play it out. Hopefully this gets better.

Me and brenden kissed tonight (:

Lauren was over and it was really awkward at first. We never talk when other people are around us, but if it's just me and him together then everything is fine then. We walked all around the golf course and just talked, it was really nice. Then later whenever he had to leave i made him give me his shirt cause it smelled really good and he changed up in my room, then we went out to his car and hugged.. we were just there like in the moment. His heart was beating so fast. And then I looked up.. and we talked about it, and we kissed. We both suck at kissing. Haha, I hope we get better.

I still miss felix, but I know this is all part of God's plan.. Whatever happens happens.

I think im gonna see if he wants to do that notebook thing though. Lol, I hope he does. I already have a notebook decorated. (:

August 29th 2010

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. IT'S BEEN 4 FREAKIN' YEARS. GET OVER THIS KID. FML. He jacked me up so much.

September 1, 2010

I wish I was a cool person. It sucks when you spend your whole life trying to create yourself and in the end you hate who you are. I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have kissed brenden. I was just bored, and he actually does care. This was his first real time kissing a girl. and I wasn't even that into it. I'm a douche bag.. and I really don't deserve him. What the hell is my problem? His heart was beating so fast.. oh my lord, im such a douche bag. WHY AM I MESSING WITH HIS HEART? D: D: D: I'm so selfish… ):

Wow, i never really realized how immature i was until i started 'dating' him. We freaking don't even talk at school. I feel like i can't even talk to anyone, about anything real anymore.

I'm going to do that notebook thing..

I feel so freaking lame lately. Like honestly I don't have any friends at dc, except for brenden, and he's the only one who i avoid. LOSERLOSERLOSER.

09/04/10

Soccer today, middletown christian 7-0 (: whoot whoot. Brenden came.. hahaha he is seriously such a good boyfriend. I need to try harder for him..

09/06/10

We just got back from vacation! (:

we went to athens. brenden me avery ryan mom dad paul brenna and their parents.

It was close to a 2 hour drive up there. I like holding his hand. He freaking tells me everything about his life, and what does he get in return? Nothing. I'm an idiot. I need to tell him about felix, and just the truth. I want him to know the real me. I want him to like me for me. I like him for him. I really do like him. I'm actually really excited about our relationship. I just want us to be cooler at school.  I think im finally over felix. Honestly this time. i was in love with him, but that was then, and he's never going to come back into my life again so i need to get over it because God has better plans. I was acting all depressed when I told brenden that I couldn't tell him what had happened, my " dirty laundry " or whatever. I think he thinks I was like a slut with cory or something. I don't mean to be deceiving to him, i just always get depressed whoever I think about him. I need to stop thinking about him is all. I wonder if I ever will tell brenden about felix..

09/12/10

My mom and dad went out to this one party last night. They said all the kids had to get out of the house cause avery and brenden were both over. So my parents kicked us out and I finally got to drive alone with him in his car. Haha. It was fun. We ended up going to his work and seeing the dirt bike place behind it. It looked sweet. He had a bunch of scabs all over his knuckles, I asked him what they were from. He told me that he got them at work and i said it looked like he punched something. Later on we went to bares and knobles and just looked around and talked and whatnot. We got some books and then went and sat down. I sat on his lap and he eventually got the whole felix nonsense out of me.. He doesn't know about the part were i fell in love with him yet, but I'll eventually tell him.. hopefully. I told him about the bulimic thing.. but not about the cutting… eventually it will come out. I think he might think that like felix for real raped me or something though? Cause I like tried to explain everything but Im not really sure if it came out right. And cause after I told him about the felix thing, he just turned his head to the side and said that he felt like he should punch something.  I guess it was good to tell him, but i don't want him getting mad. I think it's weird how when people get sad or something bad happens they just decide to punch something. I don't get angry like that, it's just kinda odd for me. But then this morning we went to church. My whole family went except for ryan and then his mom and friend jeremy went. I don't think jeremy likes me very much. He always just gives me a look like he hates me… i honestly could care less though. Ha, i think it's actually pretty funny that that doesn't bother me one bit. If i went to boro that probably would bug me a lot. Idk why. I like brenden though.  (:

09/15/10

Ryan's birthday is two days away. I want to get him something special, to let him know that I really do care about him. I don't know what to get him though. Hey God? Wanna help ms out? Hahha, woah. I'm a loser. But really though. I want to let him know that I'm always here for him. He would loose so much respect for me if he knew i took that vicodine. The problem is that I honestly want to do it again. It wasn't even that good the first time around and yet for some stupid reason i just want more. I just want to be happy. I've been so freaking depressed the past couple of days. Honestly. I don't even know what to do about the whole brenden thing. I just think that me and him are way too much alike to even be dating. Were not good for each other, and yet at the same time I feel like I really should start opening up to him. I mean I complain all the time about not having anyone to talk to and then God gives me b and i all the sudden act like I don't even want him… I don't know what in the world i want. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't get close to anyone at Dayton Christian. Like honestly. I really don't have any friends. i think it's because I just feel like people bore me. I don't even know what it is. It's just like I feel like im so much better than everyone else there and getting to know people would just be a waste of my time. I'm such a cooky little brat. I hate the way boor has made me look at life. UGH, i'm so confused these days. Me and barenden never even talk about anything significant anymore… i hate it. I wish i had the men parts to call him right now. But of course. I don't.  

10/29/10

me and brenden broke up. i hate myself so much more than ever. he is everything i could ever want, and yet I'm the one who brought it up.  

i miss him. Im so stupid ):

i just feel like he doesn't try at all.

he dones't even look at me during art class… ever

would never even think about calling me.

stops texting me when im in a bad mood or say something stupid.

Honestly if you want everything to be okay then i would want you to take some inititivate. cause honestly right now i feel like tanner, your best friend, is more comfortable with talking to me that you are. Like i don't freaking mean to make everything awkward but i don't know how to have a boyfriend at school. Like do you want me to sit with you at lunch? Do you what me to walk with you to your classesl? And half of this crap i feel like you should want to do for me, ilke your the guy. the guy is supposed to do that kind of stuff for the girl.

And then about the whole felix thing.. do you remember when i told you in athens that if i told you my intense little thing then you would feel differently and it would change just about everything? Well, i knew it would. So i just told you a portion of it, trying to make it seem like something else to cover up for what it actually was because i didn't want to tell you. Like i told you he took advantage of me, which he did on only one ocation

^^ this was from awhile ago..

____________________________________________________________________

Every day, ever day, I slowly pass him in the hallway

instead of pouring out, i looked the other way

i don't know what im doing anymore

he's bored.

Life  on standby.

August 1st 2010

We have 23 days left until school starts and I don't know weather to be excited, or discouraged. I don't want to be a sophomore. At all. Time is slipping by too fast. I wish i could pause everything once in awhile.

i feel like i need to become a more entergetic person. Live and love life more, ya know? I think I'm going to ask the doctor about some medicine again, and just see what she says. Dang it. That's tomorrow  D: Ugh.

Okay so today Brooke and I had a much needed get together today. Mom and I went to go pick her up. It was pretty much a silent car ride so she after we got out of the car she asked why. I told her about the night before and how Ryan got caught and everything. Not everything everything, just the nesceties. We were going to ride our bikes to the pool so we decided to get changed. She went into the bathroom, and my mom walked in the room. She started cring and hugged me. I felt so bad for her. I love her so much. Later that day me and Brooke went to the Greenleaf Village Pool, bike rode to Cold Stone and then rode to CVS and sat on their floor and looked at magazines for about an hour. It was relaxing…. this reminds me. I need to bring that Cold Stone Guy his $1.68 back. Crapppp, I need to do that tomorrow. Anyyyyways, then I went to soccer, and Lauren came over. I didn't tell her about Ryan.

Later tonight Tanner was texting me and then eventually just called me. I guess he heard from Caitlyn Mcquin that I 'liked' Andrew Combs for awhile and he was asking me if I liked bad boys.. I told him that I used to. But that I was really happy that Brenden wasn't like that because I was trying to turn over a new leaf. I told him about Cory, and how much of a douche he was, and how he tried to force me into doing stuff with him. I told Tanner that I was glad that Brenden wasn't like that. He asked what all I had done, and I told him. He said he wouldn't tell Brenden though. He said that Brenden had a lot of doubts if I actually liked him or not. I told him I would reasure him. Cause I honestly do like him a lot. I feel like me and him were kinda put on this path for a reason. Like with the whole birthday thing, the dog thing, the Felix/Yannik thing. God has some kind of plan. I can feel it already. As for the whole me and him kissing thing, I just told Tanner that if it happens then it happens. That I kind of want to wait and get to know him better but it's whatever if we don't. And then Tanner told me something really interesting. He said that I should talk to Brenden about everything that I've done with guys and like my past and all. Because apparently Brenden has been through some crap too. Which oh my lord, I freaking have telepathy because I was just telling Brooke that I thought he was hiding something. Apparently Brenden had been involved with a court hearing that went on for over a year ? He didn't tell me a lot about it. And honestly I'm glad he didn't I want to hear the real story from Brenden. Ha, Tanner is such a good friend. He is always looking out for people. And always knows exactly what to say. That kid's pretty great if I do say so myself.

I hope Brenden's not doing anything tomorrow because at this point I really want him to come over. I hope he can come in my room. Haha. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 3rd 2010

I chickened out at the doctors office the other day. I don't know why. My doctor is just kind of intimidating, I guess. I was just glad that I didn't have to get any shots. Thank Jesuss. Oh, and Cold Stone. Ugh. I forgot about that too. I bet that guy thinks that me and Brooke just ran for it. Haha, he was such a weird guy though. I really hope when we eventually do pay him back then I don't have to give the money to the fat flirt. Hm, that's mean. I probably shouldn't say that. I really am such a bitch these days.. ? Okay so after the doctor today me and my dad went out for lunch at Frishes, it was really nice. And needed. I really do love him. It just always feels like he is so consumed with Ryan and his life that he sometimes forgets about the rest of us. I honestly hope that we can become close.  I mean everyone has their faults, but my dad really is a cool guy. When my mom got home from work we went and picked up Jenny and Lindsay to go boating with Megan and her dad at Ceasers Creek. Alyssa, Megan, Jenny, Lindsay Brydon, and me all went. Tubing is so much fun, but I got a lot of bruises from it today. Ha, Brenden went to the Scream the Prayer concert tonight, and he said that when he was moshing he thinks that he might have broken some kids nose. Ha, poor kid! I would be so pissed at him, but apparently he was really cool about it. I think it's weird that he saw Erica there and she didn't even talk to him. I really wonder why she's so different online than she is in person. I should text her. Anyways, it's 12:06 and I gotta work tomorrow, sooo I'm thinking that I should probably go to bed now. Brenden's coming over tomorrow too, (:  Hopefully I can talk to him.. about everything.. well see though.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 4, 2010

I went to work, and got my eyes dilated today, Brenden didn't come over. I'm to tired to write anything else.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 5th, 2010

t's really annoying when you get off work early but you can't go home, and you can't go to Barenes and Noble and you forgot your phone at home and there's nothing better to do than sit in the car and write about nonsense. Oh well. Apparently were getting a cat today? Well, not we, more like Ryan is, but still! A cat :D He wants to name it Brenden.. and the cat is a girl. Hahaha. What a werido. I really like Hannah Combs, she like for real inspirational. She makes me want to do something great with my life. Honestly, I think I want to start designing clothes. Sewing is so theripuitical, I love it. And honestly this is something that I've wanted to do since I was like in the second grade when I cut up these once jeans and decided to make a purse out of it. I don't know. I'm gonna see if Debbie could help me make a homecoming dress, that would be the start (: And I need to re-learn how to start my mom's sewing machine so I can actually do some work at the house too. We'll see. I feel like in every entry there is always something about Brenden. Wow, I'm kind of a creep. You would think that we have been dating for years or something. But no, I just fall hard. Really hard. And even though I hate to admit it, I am a creep. It's actually kind of sad. I need to go to the library today. I want to see if they actually have CD's that I would like there. Omg, and if they do the library will soon become my new favorite place. / I need to finish The Catcher And The Rye. That book honestly freaks me out. It reminds me of Ryan's life a little bit. I feel like it helps me understand how guys react when they are depressed. They'll never admit it. They just run from it. Holden and Ryan have that in common. I've been mean to him lately. I should start trying again. I love that kid.. Mom's here. Were going to Staup to get school clothes. Mmm.

Laterrr;

I was looking through my mothers text messages today. It was random. I wasn't really snooping just bored and that was something to do. But I found text messages from Avery to my mom. She said that Ryan was spending the night at Kevin Kash's. He never even goes over there. I think it's kinda sad that Avery can straight up lie to my mother. I don't know. I'd probably do the same thing if I had their lives.

August 6th 2010

I hate texting, with so much passion.. I never know what to say and then i always make these weird awkward long pauses, and i feel like I'm such an idiot. Well I guess i kinda am for making such a simple thing such a big deal though.. I don't know. Honestly though, I think me and Brenden have something, and I'm really just afraid I'm going to jack it up. I really don't want to jack it up. Why in the world would he like someone like me? I truly just do not understand. Anyways though, I guess a lot of things have happened since the last time that I updated you. We got the cat (: Her name is Cat.. very original right isn't it? No. Actually she was already named when we got her so Ryan just wanted to keep the name. Oh, and the other thing that I just wanted to state. The whole michael incident.

OK. Well, for starters yesterday morning I accidentally left my phone at the house instead of taking it with me. Which you already knew ^ And as soon as I got home I went to the kitchen where I knew I had put it that morning and found my big vera bradley bag and everything that I had previously put in it except for my phone. I spent the next half an hour re-tracking my steps going through everything trying to see where I could have put it. I asked everyone in my family if they had seen it, and everyone.. including mike's responses were, " oh my gosh kelsey, you always loose your phone " so I just kept on looking. I went to soccer practice, and then came home and once again asked everyone if they had seen it. They hadn't. I proceeded to spend the next two hours cleaning my room, cleaning my bathroom, cleaning the car, in an attempt to find my phone. Nothing was working. So then at 12am I finally got frustrated. I went down the stairs and once more asked my mom about the phone. She told me to go downstairs and see if Ryan had taken it. Considering the fact that he was grounded and it seemed logical that he would want a phone to text his friends and whatnot. So, not having any hope I went downstairs and called my phone, once again. I heard a vibrate, and then another. And there it was, I found it. Hidden underneath the couch cousin. Furious. I jerked Ryans door open and started yelling at him. He was asleep. Waking Ryan up in this way was not one of my best ideas. One that I will never try again. He cussed me out, and then I realized that he didn't do it. And then, after contemplating for a second, I realized that Michael had done it. I ran up the stairs and then laid it out. Oh, I was furious. It actually accidentally got caught on my voicemail, while I was in the act of chewing him out. It rather funny actually, now looking back.. In the moment though, I seriously could have punched the life out of that kid. And I wanted to soooo badly. You have no idea. That's just one of those type of things that happens once every five years of so where my anger just overwelhms me and I lose all my self control. But I didn't touch him. I am quite proud of myself. That took a lot out of me. Then of course I had to start crying to my mother and force her to take his i touch away for awhile. She agreed, and actually followed through. I was amazed. That most deffinately had been a first. I think me and him are cool now though. In the end I realized that he was just mad about the crap that happened the day I got my eyes dilated.. I'm not going to tell that story though. That can just be one that I forget. Hopefully. Anyways though, Cat is so cute. She really is the nicest cat I think I've ever met. Exactly the opposite of Reese. Thank Jesus.

Todayy: went to work, exhausted. Got Bravo from a drug rep. Went shopping, got a dress and school pants. Chilled. Saw Charlie St. McCloud with Jen. We talked about Jullian. it was interesting. I wonder what will happen this upcoming year… Grandpa's b-day tomorrow! Brenden's coming(: , I didn't tell him about Cat yet. Ha. I think it's hilarious when were just talking I can talk to him, but when I make the slightest little flirt then he just stops texting me. I wonder what's going through his head right now. He would never tell me if i asked him though. Oh well. I'm kind of tired. I hope I can sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 7th 2010

I really don't know what God wants. He lied to me. Would he lie to me again? I'm confused, so freaking confused. I thought he was a good kid. I thought he was going to be different one, the one who made me a good kid again. He asked me tonight if me knowing about his past changed anything. I just told him it only made it better. Why would I say that. Why in the world would I tell him that. This changes everything. I don't even know if I want to like him anymore.. I hate this whole deciding free will crap. I really don't know what God wants for me. Does he want me to stay with Brenden and just be there for him and try to help him? Or does he want me to dropkick him to the curb just so that he knows I'm fully devoted to him. ? I don't know… I told Brenden he could trust me, so I 'm not going to even say what he did. I'll keep it to myself. I really don't even know how I feel right now, or where I stand. I don't even think he likes me anyways. ):

Oh, and I puked again tonight. Right before he came over. Joy.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 8th 2010

I really hate myself so much. I don't know why I think and act like I'm such an angel all the time. I'm not at all. Atleast Ryan can be trusted. At least he doesn't lie to his friends just to take anvangtage of someone. I really hate myself so much. I'm a psychopathic lier and I can't be trusted. Why would I do that to someone who I love so much. I'm such a jerk. I don't deserve to be able to talk to him. I guess it's every person for themselves. I can't trust, and I can't be trusted. I'm going to keep brenden's secret. And if I don't. Then I don't deserve him or anyone else anyways.

I need to tell Brenden the truth about my past. The truth about Felix, the truth about everything. I don't know if I can. I don't even know if I know the real truth I've lied so many times.

it was only three months and a half months. He came at the end of August, left in the middle of November. That was the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. When I first saw him I automatically knew that it wasn't a good idea for him to be here. He was 17 and I was only 11. From that very first cookout I knew I would start liking him. A couple weeks after he had been staying here I found out that he was a cutter. I feel like that was one thing that most deffinately brought us closer. We were both depressed out of our minds. We were each others therapy. We didn't even have to talk about what we were depressed about. We would just talk about anything and it would make us feel alive, like we were real people. He made me feel like a real person. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He truely ment everything to me. And I'm still not over him. I never want to date anyone else because I feel like it's unfair to them. I'm always comparing them to Felix. Like with Cory. I didn't even like Cory. I just wanted to feel loved again. And even though he said that he loved me, I always knew it was a lie. He just wanted someone to  someone to take advantage of. But I was okay with that. I honestly don't think that i will love anyone ever again. It sucks. It really sucks.

Oh my freaking lord, im such a freak.

Later;

Brenden: Hey!

Me: Hey, what's up?

Brenden: Just watching tv, you?

Me: Talking to kelly on the phonee, lol.

Brenden: Lol, did she like dc?

Me: Ha, yeah. She said she'll know for sure weather she's going or not like this week. (:

Brenden: Ha, ok thats cool.

Me: Mhm(:

…

Me: Bleh, okay so I have a question.

Brenden: Yeah?

Me: Do you even like me? Honestly?

Brenden: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Like really like you, and I mean it. Are you asking this cause of what i told you yesterday? And do you even like me?

Me: Mm, yeah. Lol, I like you a lot. I don't know i just don't want you to feel like you were forced into anything like with everyone else. And idk, everything that you told me yesterday has just been bothering me a lot. I don't know why.  I should just get over it.

Brenden: Trust me I wasn't forced into liking you. And :( i'm sorry what exactly has been bothering you? i knew this would change something.

Me:  Like im glad you told me just cause i really want us to be honest with each other. (even though im not honest with him) But it just bothers me. I don't even know why. And I'm not trying to judge you. i know it's your past and everything but I just feel like your not completely over it.. Do you think you are?

Brenden: Honestly I do, I haven't been doing any of the stuff i did at all this year. i hope you can trust me. If you don't think we'll work out i'd like to know cause i don't start liking you more then you tell me.

Me: Okay, i trust you. but if your ever going to smoke please just tell me. I don't want to take all the fun out of your life, i just want to know. And honestly i really think that we will, idk. I just have a good feeling about this(:

Brenden: Okay, and i don't plan on smoking i have a reason not to now and i don't need it in my life and i'm glad cause i hope we do:)

The end,  

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 10th 2010

Well I guess it's the 11th but I'm just going to lie and say it's the 10th because I haven't fallen asleep yet so for me it's still the 10th. Anyways.. It seems like I've worked the whole day. Actual work, then soccer tryouts then running again, dinner, and now all that's left is sleep. I watched that movie that Alyssa's mom recommended. Goodwill hunting. It was actually pretty good, I liked it a lot. I don't think I'll tell Alyssa about it though. It's sad that we spent that entire vacation together and were still not even that close that we can talk about stupid crap like that. I don't know why. I really don't like Liz, and Allison when they're together. Soccer is going to be so annoying. Honestly I like Catlynne though. She seems like a real person. The other two just get on everyone's nerves though. And it's really obvious. Kinda sad, but obvious. Jenny asked me to get her a pregnancy test from work today. I feel so freaking' bad for that girl. Apparently her and Jullian are officially over now.. for the 3rd time. They had a big fight and he said that she was just a mistake. I swear I would kick that guy in the balls if she would let me. I really love Jenny. And she really doesn't deserve this crap. I wonder what's going to happen next year… Oh my lord. I seriously do not know how to talk, to like anyone. I'm so freaking werid. I can't even spell weird right. W-E-I-R-D. Whatever. I need to read my drivers education book.  

I have to go,

Anyways, Goodnight.

UGH, WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS TALKING TO MY BROTHER.

I truly wonder if Jen even like me or if she's just in it for all my brother's friends dicks..

One more thing, I want to see 'where the wild things are'. OK. I'm really going to read now.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 11th 2010

I stole Jen some condoms today. Hahahahaha, it was actually quite thrilling. I hope my mom doesn't find them and think that I'm slutty. She'd be so pissed if she found them. Hahah, that'd be so funny. Anyways, my grandparents took me to the Project Blessing helping thing today. We served 140 homeless people lunch, and I got 2 hours of community service. Yay! But it was really sad though. There was one kid there that looked maybe a year or so younger than me. He didn't have anyone with him, it was just him alone. I gave him an extra brownie. Honestly though, I wonder what it would have been like if my mom and dad didn't call the cops the one night I ran away. I wonder how far I would have gone to get away from them. I wonder what that kids story was. As the people went through the line getting their food I couldn't help but think about what all their stories were. They have probably all been through such hell, and yet I freaking run away from my 'perfect' life wishing to be one of them. I'm an idiot.

crap, i have work tomorrow. D:

Anyways goodnight.

August 12th 2010

Oh life. I don't like talking about politics, I don't like talking about war. These are things that I personally will never be able to change whatsoever. Blah blah blah, one person can make a difference = false. Fate is going to happen weather we like it or not, and I feel like we have to pick and choose what we want to focus on in our lives. Honestly, I don't think I will vote when Im 18. War is so pointless, childish. He hit me so I'm going to hit him back. Except in the United States we just try to be the parents in the situation and discipline anyone who's 'out of line'. Whatever, I guess it's a good thing in the end. Somebody has to stand up in this world. I just feel like it doesn't have to result in nuclear bombing, instead we could talk things through. Make treedies, and get along, were are all human. When you actually think about life it can get really scary. I don't even want to know half of anything that's going on, I just want to live and spread love to people in anyway that I can. We can only live life for at most a century. Why would anyone want to know half the crap that happens on wallstreet. Your just going to find out a lot of crap that you never knew before and you know what? There's nothing you can do about any of it. Except vote, and that's nothing. I bet even that has been rigged before. So why? Fate will happen regardless.  

I have come to the conclusion that I do not know anything. And honestly, I'm okay with that…. hold on. Kelly is crying.

August 13th 2010

Made varsity! #15 (;

Kelly's over right now, were going to the pool and then going to the green later with brooke wells, (:

Ryan's being a creep and trying to hit on Kelly all the time and it's really pissing me off. Oh and, I had a really weird dream last night but kelly's here so I can't really write anything down cause she'd see. Hahaha. Okay well were going to the pooooool, so bye.

Anyways, Good afternoon.

August 15th 2010

"LOSE ANOTHER DAY HERE, LOSE ANOTHER YEAR HERE, IM WITH YOU." I love silverstein so freaking' much. No one even understands. They are so fantastic.

Yep, so at this point i pretty much just got over what happened. Kelly and ryan = hook-up. Great. Ryan is really gross sometimes. Oh well, I only see Kelly like once every month and next time we hangout ryan won't be grounded so it'll all be fine. Okayyyy, so i haven't texted Brenden in like two days. I don't know if thats bad or not. I don't really understand the whole text thing. I don't know what he wants. I don't even know what I want. Ugh, annoyed already. I wanna hangout with him tomorrow. I'm such a nerd. I got a lot of new clothes today:D Platos classt, wet seal, forever 21 anddddd, glitter. it was fun, shopping with Ryan is a lot different than shopping with my mother. Me and Kelly went to Jenny's party today. It was actually really boring. I honestly don't even care about seeing anyone that went to her stupid party. I freaking' hate most the people that go to dc. Everyone there is just so annoying for some reason. I really don't have anything in common with like any of them. It's kinda sad that I'm gonna have to spend the next three years with these people. BLEH, oh well. Honestly if me and Brenden don't work out then I honestly don't think I'll date anyone all of highschool, and frankly i'm cool with that. Like i want me and him to work out, like really bad. But if we don't then it'll be for the better. Then i won't have to deal with getting my heart broken and i won't have to deal with breaking his. It'll same some tears. Ugh, i don't know. Maybe tears are better. I don't know.  Ohhhh, my lord. me and kelly went to Apex today. It was sad. I always feel like the biggest a-hole whenever i go to a service there. Like during the end i said the shortest little prayer, 'hey God, I'm sorry." And seriously almost started crying like right in front of Kelly. I wish that I wouldn't get so side tracked all the time.

Like for example the whole Owen thing. And how he was gonna get me the stuff, and then we were gonna go to Alex's house and get it tonight.. And I just feel like such an idiot. Like honestly I just told myself never again and then two days later, I simply don't care anymore. Highschool is going to be hard. I hope that me and Mary are tight next year. i feel like she's a good influence on me. I don't know. i really love her though, no matter what any one else says. I don't care what they say. She's fantastic. It's 2 am. I need some sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 16th 2010

I think it's really weird how I just started listening to silverstein again and how I was thinking about luke and how he doesn't like them at alll, and then the next day luke posts "my two favorite bands are.. yada yada and silverstein sucks.. sorry kelsey beatty. " and he tagged me in it. lol i don't know why but weird crap like that happens to me all the time.I don't know what it is. It's like my mind already knows what's going to happen, and it's just waiting for it. I don't know. Brenden texted me today. I'm glad he did. Hhaha, i think we have this little thing going on to see who can wait it out the longest without texting each other. Ryan has a catscan tomorrow for his arm… not the hand that he broke but the arm that he broke like 3 years ago. Apparently it's like not in the right place or something. I don't really know, but my mom said that he's probably going to have to have surgery on it. I went in his room today and asked him if he would go pick up Ariel so we could hangout. He was with Paul and Rohan.. and his eyes were completely red. Like really? In the middle of the day? I don't understand him. I thought he said he would stop. I guess not… ugh. He is like one of the main reasons why I feel like I haveta refuse to have fun anymore, well him and brenden. Owen texted me the other day and said that he would for sure get me and my friends some booze if we wanted it. I told him yes, and acted like I was completely into it. I know I can't though. I have to much will power not to. Which is good I guess, it's just annoying to see everyone else having fun and I know I can't. (jen ariel avery ryan rohan paul kelly) and that's just everyone who I've been in contact with in the past two days. How freaking' sad. I'm glad I'm not like that. "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it" I forget who said that, but I really love that quote. Soccer was interesting tonight. Mrs. Orme is seriously the greatest coach, or better yet, person that I think I have ever met. She is sooo freaking'  influential. Like all of the talks that she gives just make me want to be a better soccer player, and a better person. She always says that the only reason we are playing soccer is #1 to give the glory to God, and make him be known through our playing. Everything she says just makes me want to give my all during soccer season. But then when it comes down to everything religious I just feel like a terrible person. Honestly, what happened between me and God? I thought this summer would give me time to get closer to Him, read the word and go to church a lot. Instead I have just focused on a ton of other things.. work, soccer, and brenden. I keep telling myself that I really don't want to be bored, but maybe that's what I honestly need the most. Just some time off to be with Him. I don't know though. Whenever I go through these little religious movements I always go too far in the other direction and then end up relapsing instead of slowly progressing. I need some help I feel like.. like someone like melanie or shannon. I don't know. Kelly has been so extremely annoying ever since she came over yesterday. Oh my lord. She can never ever ever be serious about one thing. Honestly I truely think she needs some more medicine or something. I feel like she's the type of person that you can only hangout with like once a month or too and not get sick of, but everyday? Honestly? How can she stand herself every single day? It's confusing to me. Hahah, I just had a flashback to the first time me and Brenden hangout, hahaha. Wendys. lmbo. That was a really funny day. Woe, I'm super off topic. I do that a lot, don't I? Oh well I pulled a muscle at soccer today, my quad. It hurts.. okay anyways RE-CAP. Woke up this morning, went to the pool with ariel, paul and rohan were over, my mom got mad, went to soccer, pulled my quad, went to drug mart, saw brooke there, came home 9pm took a shower, ate dinner, texted brenden, got on the comp, now, going to bed.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 19th 2010

Today was freaking' terrible. Oh my lord.

Stayed up until 3 am doing absolutely nothing on Facebook. Woke up late for work. Had to work until 4. Came home, half an hour late for soccer. Mom yelled at me. Dad yelled at me. Accidently left my phone at home, along with the  soccer shoe that just so happened to fall out of my bag and onto the side walk just before I got into the car. Thennnn finally after all this crap, I started my period and was wearing white shorts. Oh and then after soccer practice we had to go to this meeting for all sports and basically my entire school was there and everyone saw the little 'accident'… fml. My eyes are blood shot and I just ate dinner, and it's only what? 10:30 pm. Dinner, who the heck eats dinner at 10:30? Only my family. Whatever though. I need to get new soccer shoes. And update my itunes, a lot. And I'm really tired right now, so yeah.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 20th 2010

Today was the day that I met Felix for the first time. Four years ago. It was on his birthday. I remember being really excited to meet him, wondering if he would be weird. I remember getting his present, a soccer ball, and a bible. I wonder if he still has it? I really don't know why God did this to me.. I miss him so much. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this.

August 21 2010

A lot has happened within the last couple days. BUT ariel is here right now..

August 22 2010

It's 2:10am. Ariel is over.

August 23th 2010

Oh myy lord. Okay so everyone's gone now and i actually have some free time to talk about everything that has happened. Ughhhhh. Alright.

Soooo, basically the main highlight of everything right now issues brenden asked me out.. yeah. Haha(: Me and Ariel went over to his house last night and it was really boring until when we left and dan dickerson took us to the linden wall, it was just kinda random and pretty much really just freaked me out, a lot. Like why would he take us to Dayton out of all places. I don't really get it. But whatever, we had nothing else to do so why not. When we were walkingloike over to the wall area these two random kids passed us. Brenden knew them.. Amusing. It was almost ten on a saturday night and they were just riding bikes around dayton. And he knows those kids. Funny stuff. If he used to do all that stuff i really don't know why he would take us down there. I told him it was really sketchy and then we just decided to leave and go to steak and shake. I got a hamburger and ariel got this huge giant thing of cheese fries. And she ate the whole thing. Hhahaha, she was acting like she was so high that night. Like honestly our red-haired creepy waiter even asked her if she was smoking something. And then he asked tanner if he knew a kid named luke cause he looked exactly like him. Haahha, he was creepin like crazy. But honestly it was really awkward and it was fun but you could tell brenden wasn't having that much fun so it made it not really that fun. But then we just came home and watched saw 3 and talked alittle bit, and then my mom came like really early and was just waiting in the drive-way. I told her that I didn't want to… this part is pointless. But then we ended up staying until like 1:30ish and he walked me and ariel outside and then he was like, " sooo I have kinda been wanting to ask you something, like all night. " and i was just like really confused and wanted to know what it was. So i was like " hahha what? " and then he was like " do you want to go out " and then I was like flipping out and was smiling like crazy and was really excited and hugged him and everything and it was really cute. But then like the next day at church it was just like really weird. Cause I feel like we didn't really talk at alll, like he came in late and kelly and ariel were sitting there with me and like the sermon started so i felt like we should probably be quiet and everything… but it was just weird like even afterwards and everything. Like we got begals and I felt like I couldn't even eat them. Like I honestly can't even eat at all in front of him. I don't know what it is. And while i was walking out the door I felt ilke i was just gonna puke and it was really bad. And super awkward and  i don't know. I want to be able to be comfortable around him is all. My mind just goes completely blank whenever im around him, I can't stand it. I hope schools not awkward. But I feel like it might be sooo maybe I should like pre-plan what I'm gonna do. Like should I go to his locker? Even though it's in the jounior hall way and I'm all the way in the freshman hall? No, i don't think so. I don't know.

KAY WHATEVER, different subject. Lmao, initiation for soccer was so funny.

August 24th 2010

I annoy the hell out of myself quite often. First day of school! I like most of my classes, except, 4th and 5th period. Them are crapppp. And I didn't see brenden all day except for lunch and then we had art after. He slept like the entire time though. i really honestly think he regrets asking me out. Like to be official or whatever.. i don't know. We'll play it out. Hopefully this gets better.

August 28th 2010

Wow, ever since school has started I feel like I never have enough time to actually write on this thing. Well anyways I'll just tell everything. FROM THE TOP.

I think I'm going to like school this year. I have pretty good classes.

1) Bible with mr. bulinka. Kaitlynn, noah, grant, gabby, and some other people are in that class. We normally don't do anything important. And he said that the best way to get a good grade in his class is to do well on the projects. So I think I'll be good at that.

2) Math with mrs. folkerts. I have a ton of people in that class, and it's probably not a good thing because this lady already sucks as a teacher and I already feel like I'm forsure not going to learn anything. Luke is the T-A in that class. Oh my lord, that kid is the most awkward child I think I have ever met. It's actually quite scary.

3) computers with mr. farmer. Hahah, i love that man.. There's this kid named scott in that class… he's really short and really fat. When I saw him for the first time I was honestly scared, but I sit right beside him in this class and I could tell he really didn't want to talk or anything but I was just casual with him and was nice to him and all. And then at lunch he went to go sit with megan songer and this one other girl and then as soon as he sat down with them they btw got up and he was just sitting there all alone. My table went to and sat with him. We talked to him, and he just seems really quiet and depressed and I feel really bad for the kid. I wanna become friends with him. I don't know. We'll see.

4) US history, with mrs conway. Jen, allison, heath, conner, megan, noah, and some other people are in this class… oh and there's this new kid in that class named tim. He's really cute, but most likely a pot head i'm thinking. I don't know. I'll haveta get to know him… ohhhh and then there's luke. Haha, he's in that class to. It's so freaking' awkward from last year and everything that went down. I was late the first day that I walked in that class. And seriously, the only freaking seat open in the entire room was right behind luke folkerts. Great, right. He just stared at me when I sat down. Said absolutely nothing and just sat. I kinda feel bad that he doesn't have like any friends at all in that class, but honestly im not going to be the first one to go up and have a chat with him. I have a boyfriend now. I really don't want him getting the wrong impression or anything. Eh, ew.

5) Hon. Biology with mr. Norvelll. There are literally 3 sophomores in that class. It's pretty sad, atleast I have drew bell. He's a funny child. Such a pill popper but he's alright. I like him. Mr. Norvell is seriously the oddest guy I think I have ever met in my life. He acts like bill nei the science guy like crazyyyy. I enjoy him a lot though. He tries really hard, and I think Im going to learn a lot in his class this year(:

lunch- ehhhh, whatever.

6) Art with mr. Gnagey. Brenden's in that class(: It's super boring, but I'm glad we have a class together though. It's better than nothing at all.

7) English with Mr. K. He's probably my favorite teacher. Honestly. He's so freaking' cool. He goes to apex, and is a real genuine person. I like him.

This year is going to be really interesting. I feel ilke I have changed and grown up a lot already. It's really weird, really really weird. l really don't want to grow up. I just want to stay young and innocent for as long as possible. I'm really completely done with my little insecure phase.. honestly I think I lost some of my left brain. Forreal. It sucks. I can even write better with my right hand lately. It's supa freaky.

… LATER

Me and brenden kissed tonight (:

Lauren was over and it was really awkward at first. We never talk when other people are around us, but if it's just me and him together then everything is fine then. We walked all around the golf course and just talked, it was really nice. Then later whenever he had to leave i made him give me his shirt cause it smelled really good and he changed up in my room, then we went out to his car and hugged.. we were just there like in the moment. His heart was beating so fast. And then I looked up.. and we talked about it, and we kissed. We both suck at kissing. Haha, I hope we get better.

I still miss felix, but I know this is all part of God's plan.. Whatever happens happens.

I think im gonna see if he wants to do that notebook thing though. Lol, I hope he does. I already have a notebook decorated. (:

August 29th 2010

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. IT'S BEEN 4 FREAKIN' YEARS. GET OVER THIS KID. FML. He jacked me up so much.

September 1, 2010

I wish I was a cool person. It sucks when you spend your whole life trying to create yourself and in the end you hate who you are. I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have kissed brenden. I was just bored, and he actually does care. This was his first real time kissing a girl. and I wasn't even that into it. I'm a douche bag.. and I really don't deserve him. What the hell is my problem? His heart was beating so fast.. oh my lord, im such a douche bag. WHY AM I MESSING WITH HIS HEART? D: D: D: I'm so selfish… ):

Wow, i never really realized how immature i was until i started 'dating' him. We freaking don't even talk at school. I feel like i can't even talk to anyone, about anything real anymore.

I'm going to do that notebook thing..

I feel so freaking lame lately. Like honestly I don't have any friends at dc, except for brenden, and he's the only one who i avoid. LOSERLOSERLOSER.

09/04/10

Soccer today, middletown christian 7-0 (: whoot whoot. Brenden came.. hahaha he is seriously such a good boyfriend. I need to try harder for him..

09/06/10

We just got back from vacation! (:

we went to athens. brenden me avery ryan mom dad paul brenna and their parents.

It was close to a 2 hour drive up there. I like holding his hand. He freaking tells me everything about his life, and what does he get in return? Nothing. I'm an idiot. I need to tell him about felix, and just the truth. I want him to know the real me. I want him to like me for me. I like him for him. I really do like him. I'm actually really excited about our relationship. I just want us to be cooler at school.  I think im finally over felix. Honestly this time. i was in love with him, but that was then, and he's never going to come back into my life again so i need to get over it because God has better plans. I was acting all depressed when I told brenden that I couldn't tell him what had happened, my " dirty laundry " or whatever. I think he thinks I was like a slut with cory or something. I don't mean to be deceiving to him, i just always get depressed whoever I think about him. I need to stop thinking about him is all. I wonder if I ever will tell brenden about felix..

09/12/10

My mom and dad went out to this one party last night. They said all the kids had to get out of the house cause avery and brenden were both over. So my parents kicked us out and I finally got to drive alone with him in his car. Haha. It was fun. We ended up going to his work and seeing the dirt bike place behind it. It looked sweet. He had a bunch of scabs all over his knuckles, I asked him what they were from. He told me that he got them at work and i said it looked like he punched something. Later on we went to bares and nobles and just looked around and talked and whatnot. We got some books and then went and sat down. I sat on his lap and he eventually got the whole felix nonsense out of me.. He doesn't know about the part were i fell in love with him yet, but I'll eventually tell him.. hopefully. I told him about the bulimic thing.. but not about the cutting… eventually it will come out. I think he might think that like felix for real raped me or something though? Cause I like tried to explain everything but Im not really sure if it came out right. And cause after I told him about the felix thing, he just turned his head to the side and said that he felt like he should punch something.  I guess it was good to tell him, but i don't want him getting mad. I think it's weird how when people get sad or something bad happens they just decide to punch something. I don't get angry like that, it's just kinda odd for me. But then this morning we went to church. My whole family went except for ryan and then his mom and friend jeremy went. I don't think jeremy likes me very much. He always just gives me a look like he hates me… i honestly could care less though. Ha, i think it's actually pretty funny that that doesn't bother me one bit. If i went to boro that probably would bug me a lot. Idk why. I like brenden though.  (:

09/13/10

I think im just faking myself out. It really sucks when you hear a song and you know completely that it's your life, but you can't tell anyone about it because it's not the way it should be.

i live a fake life in order not to hurt anyone, in order to live out what i think god wants of me. He want's me to forget felix but of course.. that's impossible. ef. I don't think I'll ever be stable.. I just fill my life with so many ' things ' to keep me busy just so that i don't haveta focus on the actual state of my being.. i have come to realize that i can't just chill anymore. i have to always be doing something in order for me not to have a mental break down.. and take a bunch of vicodin like what happened the other night. I hate how the crap in my life is just the kind of crap that you normally wouldn't talk about with anyone. i really wish that it just wasn't a big deal.

Honestly, none of this freaking crap would have even happened if he didn't already think that i was hurting.. if i was a outwardly a happy kid then i really don't think that he would have taken advantage of me the way that he did… i don't know… maybe if he thought my innocence wasn't already stolen then he wouldn't have taken it. I hate myself sometimes.

09/14/10

miami valley game today, beat em 2-1. I scored the first goal, hahahahhha. It freaking ricocheted off of kelsey clarks foot. Lmao, ohhh and I took mac out. It was rather hilarious actually. I seriously love God so much. I don't know why I only go to him when it comes to soccer games.. i was thinking about that on the field today.. how everyone always says that they do that.. and i felt like i never did before.. but now since i want it so much more i just pray on the field… Hahah, God is seriously so great though, cause right after I said a prayer in my head on the field then he set me up and that's when I scored. He really does answer prayer.. Uhm, so god? If you can hear me right now as im thinking this out, i just want to say.. Thank you.. for tonight.. and for well showing me that you are present in my life. And that I need to take advantage of that. Lord, I know you have a plan for my life. Please let it unfold, and let me make sure that I give all the glory to you in the process. I love you… i don't even know if i can say that… cause i forsure don't show it… so i guess with where i am in my life right now I really like you lord. Help me to progress. Amen.

….. OH YEAH, AND I FORGOT TO MENTION. The goalie  "kk" or whatever was yelling at the ref and got taken out of the game right before the corner when i scored.. hahha, she was put back in the next play. Funny stuff God. You taught two lessons through that one. Hahaha.

09/15/10

Ryan's birthday is two days away. I want to get him something special, to let him know that I really do care about him. I don't know what to get him though. Hey God? Wanna help ms out? Hahha, woah. I'm a loser. But really though. I want to let him know that I'm always here for him. He would loose so much respect for me if he knew i took that vicodine. The problem is that I honestly want to do it again. It wasn't even that good the first time around and yet for some stupid reason i just want more. I just want to be happy. I've been so freaking depressed the past couple of days. Honestly. I don't even know what to do about the whole brenden thing. I just think that me and him are way too much alike to even be dating. Were not good for each other, and yet at the same time I feel like I really should start opening up to him. I mean I complain all the time about not having anyone to talk to and then God gives me b and i all the sudden act like I don't even want him… I don't know what in the world i want. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't get close to anyone at Dayton Christian. Like honestly. I really don't have any friends. i think it's because I just feel like people bore me. I don't even know what it is. It's just like I feel like im so much better than everyone else there and getting to know people would just be a waste of my time. I'm such a cooky little brat. I hate the way boor has made me look at life. UGH, i'm so confused these days. Me and barenden never even talk about anything significant anymore… i hate it. I wish i had the men parts to call him right now. But of course. I don't.  

09/16/09 I didn't call him last night.. I woke up at 3, then again at 5, and didn't even text him to see if he was awake.. I hate myself. We have a soccer game today. He has work, and I will have homework. This cycle never ends. And I know what I want in my life, but honestly is it even worth it? I freaking have given up my personality, my life, any fun that I could possibly be having, just so that I can get good grades and be a good kid. Just so that I can beat Ryan at something. Why do I need to beat Ryan? I'm an idiot. Why can't I just accept that and move on? I failed my drivers ed test yesterday.

09/16/09

I like being close with my family. They honestly help me so much. I love my dad and my brother. They just make me so happy.. They both are so much like me. Seriosly though, if i don't have anyone to talk to why couldn't i just vent to them? They love me more than any of my friends ever would. So much has happened tonight. After I talked to my dad, I talked to Ryan.. and i just kind of want to talk about that while it's still fresh in my mind so I don't forget like I always do. Well anyways. Ryan has decided that he doesn't want to be a christian anymore and he said that it's probably the best thing that he has ever done. All he does anymore is remain stationary. He likes, philosophy alittle too much. But i love to hear him talk about it. He is trying to go into everyday with the same mindset, looking off of his buhdist poster as a guide. He thinks that budism should not be his religion but rather his practice. Giving to people spreading love being the biggest hippie out there. He says he's not scared of death.. I don't believe him though.

10/01/10

i honestly just fell like an idiot.

10/02/10

nothing.

10/29/10

me and brenden broke up. we both just couldn't understand it anymore. i fight with him all the time, and honestly there's so much silence in our relationship. i would so want to get to know him, but i just can't. he's so introverted, in some ways. i just wish i could morph christian pollard and him into one person.. honestly though, i miss brenden a lot right now, and like last night i told him that i still want to hangout and stuff, but it's honestly just never going to be the same, ever again. he says were on a break, but i think we both know what that means. were done, unless i make an effort to want him back. i don't want to made the effort if he doesn't want to make it either. i don't know what im doing with my life.

10/31/10

today is halloween, but me and brooke trick or treated last night.

11/08/10

Today is Monday.

The days seem to all run together recently. i don't rely know why but time has just sped up extremely quickly for me. I don't really know what happens to all of the hours I think that I have. Recently I have been writing a lot in different journals that I have, and not really documenting anything about my life onto here. I don't really know but I kind of like writing a lot better than typing things on here. I don't know… it's more freeing. But tonight I have a lot to do/ work on school wise so I just figured that typing everything onto here would be a lot easier. School is so stressful recently. I don't know. I think it is mainly just because of science fair in general, and I am slowly beginning to realize just how much I procrastinate literally everything. everything. everything.

I hate that about myself.

OMG. i today in english I literally thought that i had kidney stones. it was bad. my stomach felt like there were knives inside of me piercing my skin from the inside out. it hurt, like hellllll-o. JELLO. Omg i feel in the mood for jello right now. Anyways, let me hit the details.

Brenden and me were talking like this whole weekend and i really wish that I could save like honestly every single text message because i just frankly like talking to him. And i always tell him that things are going to be different but honestly nothing ever seems to change. I know he will never change for me so i frankly know that i just have to. I don't know. I would so want to just be friends with him, but it's like the type of deal where i know he knows that i like him so it's just awkward, idk why. im just like that i guess. like with christian, we text sometimes and frankly he makes me really happy whenever we text but its not at all like that in person, and we even have study hall and everything together. I don't know. I wish i wasn't like the way that i am sometimes, and frankly ive been trying to change myself for a while now, hopefully im getting somewhere.

Anywyayzz; tomorrow!

I am going to walk up to him and hug him and say sorry. and not elaborate at all, and then just talk to him without anything being awkward. Omg, hopefully that's possible.

Ugh, alright i need to set my alarm. I still have to study for my us history test TOMORROW!

D:

Hello. I am Kelsey. I haven't written one of these "about me" things in a really long

time.. but I feel like it puts a lot of things into perspective so therefore.. here is goes.

Im 15. I live in springboro ohio with two loving parents, and two brothers. One pot

head brother and one anti-social brother. I am stuck in the middle,  and seem to

be the most averagely normal one. I go to Dayton Christian School and have been

for currently one full year. I love everything about it.. except for the people. I'm put

in a very selective enviournent and you really have to know who you are in order

to be stable there. I think I know who I am. Sometimes at least. I'm kind of bi-polar

a lot of the time though. Either extremely obnoxiously happy, and in a great mood,

making friends with just about everyone I see, am kind and loving. On the other

hand I am for sure a drab. I am dull, depressed, awkward, all the while trying to

fake a smile when I really wish that I could just cry. I think I need medicine.. I

have a long history of depression in my family. In a nut shell though, I really do

love my family though. We all live in this HUGE house in a really rich neighborhood

even though we don't need or deserve it. I don't like it what-so-ever. I like to

help people. When I get my license I feel like a lot of things are going to

change. I am GOING to spread so much love. And I will do it on my own

in my car. I have so many brilliant ideas. Dayton Street Minestries, making

cookies for everyone, hanging the haunted ghost on peoples doors.

When I get older I want to be a house mom and do everything in my power

to spread love to the world as well as my children. It will be very satisfying.

I am excited about my future. We will live in a small clean house with a

bunch of woods surrounding. I will make all my family eat healthy and

work out and be in good shape.  I will give them freedoms but not too

much. This world is becoming courrpt but my kids will not be corrupt.

I like music it soothes my soul. I like art it calms me down. I like this one

boy named brenden right now. He's perfect, in every single way, except

for the fact that he's so awkward, and absent minded. He doesn't know

how to talk to girls and I don't know how to help him. I'm for sure no

expert. I miss my friends from springboro sometimes. When you truly

find someone who you can trust with your whole heart when you know

their faults and can accept them for the person that they are and still

love them with your whole heart is when you really find a true friend.

Brooke, and demI, lauren and maybe cosette ? I don't know yet though

I'm still getting to know her. I am a good friend, and I like having

good friends. Keeping them is hard though. I hold huge grudges and

am never quick to forgive anyone. I over think everything and make sure

that I never do anything that I would ever regret. Though I sometimes

wish that I could be a bad kid, I would never have it in me. I feel like I

would be a failure if I ever tried anything. Drinking drugs sex, not on

my list. I like to create things. I like origami, I like sewing, knitting, books

intelligent people, soccer, foods, cleaning, music, shoes I need to

broaden my life, I hate wasting my time. Alright, I'm done. Goodbye.  (:

11/24/10

^^ That was just kind of random I know i haven't really written anything for awhile. I have been really busy… it's for sure a lot easier in the summer. It was really interesting though. I had to do science fair this year.. it was about caffeine consumption and how it effects your body while exercising. I guess I learned a little bit about it, but the main thing that I learned was how hard I could work. I literally did not do any of my board or project until right before the day I had to present it to the judges. I literally came home from school at three and worked until 2:30 in the morning. I was exhausted but honestly the next mooring i really did feel well rested and completely fine. From this experience i have learned that it is possible to get anything accomplished. You just have to want to.

11/26/10

I feel like whenever i'm on break or anything I always have time to write on this an update my life. So.. UPDATE.

Everything previuos about ryan "little king" and everything has been found out. The past two years there are no more secrets.. he is completely found out. And now, there is basically a war on drugs in my house. He doesn't even understand how much he effects our family. It's so completely annoying. He got the internet taken away after 12 for everyone. No phone after 10. He gets my parents attention all the time now. He is their main and only concern. My parents are now trying to act like the are super strict when I know it's completely fake. And I guarantee you it's only going to get worse. Our house will be a war zone soon enough. A prison. I'm glad I'm getting my license soon enough. April. That will be the month when EVERYTHING will change. I'm looking forward to it.. Anyways it's late and I can't talk forever but the main reason why i wanted to update in general was because the other day roni and sara came over to my house. Roni was tolerable, but sara was literally cracking jokes about God like three or four times. I really wish that i would have just stood up for myself right then and there. She was in my house. She isn't allowed to do that in my house. That's the exactly like her going to ronis house and cracking gay jokes.. rude and uncalled for. She honestly pisses me off so much. I think the main reason why is because she really reminds me so much of myself. In a lot of ways when i was in the 7-8th grade i was exactly like her. Wanting friends, looking for some one to have fun with, to conform to, and that's the only thing that i knew. Sara is like that know, weather she realizes it or not. She hates whenever people make fun of her… for example when people say that she smells, but then she goes ahead and makes fun of others all the time. Like it's her jobbbbb. Frankly thats where she finds fulfillment. I feel like a lot of people can handle not having a religion.LIke brooke for example she's a happy stable and motivated person. I feel like she wouldn't even understand the point of having a religion. She is just one of those people who is so comfortable in her own skin and knows her own morals so well that she doesn't need a higher power to look to for guidance. She looks towards her own morals. But then on the other hand there are people like sara… conformists. She is depressed like crazy on the inside, beucase she would do anything, she doesn't have any morals she doesn't have guidance from anyone except from her friends who promote so much hate just because they are insecure of themselves. It's all such a sad cycle. She is the type of person that for sure needs religion. Chrsitianity is not something to be made fun of for her, it's something that could potentially save her from killing herself. And I'm not even just saying christianity in general im saying any religion. Any religion at all. But she won't ever have a real religion, or any opinion on religion that is honestly her own, beucase she's a conformist.. and conformists never change unless they are forced to change… like me.

Anyways goodnight.ß

12/02/10

Okay so im starting my new years resolution alittle bit early now. If me and brenden aren't okay by the start of the new year then im going to move on, and im not going to be sad, and im going to find someone else… soon.. and if we don't work out then im going to take a bunch of pictures with my new guys and post them alll over Facebook so he gets really jealous. I want to make him miss me. He honestly has been such a douche to me recently, like he tells me that he likes me but in all honesty literally no one at my entire school could see that. what. so. ever. So therefore Im putting him in the hot seat. If he can't make me happy by january 1st then im done… tonight was the worst. I texted him, texted him, texted him, called him and then texted him once more… and what do i get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I think Ive cried every day this week because he's been ignoring me. I cry way too often, but it just comes out.  I just can't keep it in. I fall too hard, way too fast… I'm going to stop that. I hope the New Year comes fast.

12/10/10 thank jesus. me and brenden are over for good now. AND he told me he didn't want to be with me and didn't have feelings for me anymore so thank jesus. Now, his little thing on his myspace won't make me cry anymore.  And actually what's weird about it is that I cryed soooo much about him and now that we aren't anything anymore I'm not crying, and im actually really happy. Oddly enough. He brought out the worst in my and it honestly just wasn't

even worth it at all. Yeah, its nice to have a boy friend but it's not at all worth my time. Soooo un-nessasary.

i just feel like he doesn't try at all.

he dones't even look at me during art class… ever

would never even think about calling me.

stops texting me when im in a bad mood or say something stupid.

Honestly if you want everything to be okay then i would want you to take some inititivate. cause honestly right now i feel like tanner, your best friend, is more comfortable with talking to me that you are. Like i don't freaking mean to make everything awkward but i don't know how to have a boyfriend at school. Like do you want me to sit with you at lunch? Do you what me to walk with you to your classesl? And half of this crap i feel like you should want to do for me, ilke your the guy. the guy is supposed to do that kind of stuff for the girl.

And then about the whole felix thing.. do you remember when i told you in athens that if i told you my intense little thing then you would feel differently and it would change just about everything? Well, i knew it would. So i just told you a portion of it, trying to make it seem like something else to cover up for what it actually was because i didn't want to tell you. Like i told you he took advantage of me, which he did on only one ocation

^^ this was from awhile ago..