#in my defense im going through a thing
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Mobile US users spent an average of 115.8 minutes on Tumblr app monthly.
Text
tried to shuffle my queue but there may be a sudden influx of ghost content in the coming days skjdhfskj
1 note
·
View note
Text
[OLD ART ALERT] A COLLECTION OF SCENES FROM THE GILLIONS CATSCRATCH ARC THAT BROUGHT ME GREAT JOY. i love fishy chips especially when its just gillion being delirious and violent and hostile
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#jrwi riptide spoilers#JUST NOTICED A MILLION MISTAKES FUUUUUUUUCK BUT WWHATEVERRRRR IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA HHUURRRLLL#SO I REALLY LIKE FISH AND CHIPS RIGHT. IVE BEEN IN LOVE W THE SHIP EVER SINCE THAT NAT 20 KISS#BUT I THINK I SHIP IT WRONG. OR LIKE. I AM CORRECT BUT EVERYONE SHIPS THEM DIFFERENTLY#THE FISH N CHIPS I SEE EVERYWHERE ELSE IS SO FLOWERY AND SWEET AND ROMANTIC. AND THATS NICE! THAT STUFFS NEAT#but gillion and chip would NEVERRRR enter anything similar to a romantic relationship. chips too damaged and gillions too uninterested#I LIKE MY FISH N CHIPS ONE SIDED AS FUCK#bc 2 gillion chip is his best friend in the whole wide world but hes also kinduvagross little man that took him a MINUTE to really warm up2#but to CHIP gillion is this powerful and gorgeous and heroic paragon of destiny and his best friend in the whole world who will#bring about the eschaton. 'i didnt believe in destiny until i met you' until i met a champion radiating with a light thatll alter the world#OHH REMEMBER THE FIRST ICE ARENA?he was so mad.still probably shaking from the ordeal.NEVER had he felt true divine radiance CLEAVE through#his SOUL like that.do you remember that moment in the forest w the bugs. an alien from the ocean; lacerating the land w lightning#when the realization flickered in chip for a moment.that the thing standing before him was more powerful than he could ever fathom#remember when grizz mentioned that the nat20 kiss was the 'best kiss chip ever experienced'. that has nothing to do w this. where was i.#LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. BUT HEY. I THINK at the beginning chip absolutely knew that gill was smth grand n powerful n scary#when gillion revealed what exactly the prophecy was;chip got defensive and mad.sure he was sleep deprived but OOH. HES SCARED!#he believes gillion too! he believes that his destiny is to eradicate either the sea or land and that scares him!#but then he gets past it bc ultimately he trusts his bestfriend gillion so so much. he fuckin loves this dude.#he would throw himself intothe path of fire for this dude. he would boat across the ocean for this dude.he would build arenas for this dude#even if this dude will end half the world.even if this dude wields the power and the obligation to eradicate him at any second.#even if this dude is going to throw himself into harms way for his own comrades.even if this dude is just going to sacrifice himself.#one way or another one shall die for the other.these self-sacrificial bastards click so well with eachother!!#chip believes his body is best used to pave roads and gill believes his body is destined to pave prosperity.WHATEVER!!#i really love their dynamic!! they care for eachother so much!in MY heart tho. the icing on the cake here is the fantasy that chip is#just a bit more In Love w gillion than he realizes. like this powerful fish guy is HOT and PRETTY and KIND and FUNNY and LOYAL and STRONG#but gillion would never rly feel that same sort of attraction towards chip. its just not rly his thing. aroace as fuck man.#thats how it is in MY little heart atleast. and i sit here and play w my touys in my brain n i explore my silly lil one sided fish y chips.
220 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry but comparing whether Jyn or Cassian suffered more in their life like it's the fucking trauma Olympics is fucking ridiculous
they both suffered the same and it's literally not a competition, hope this helps <3
#let's see they both lost their parents around the same age#cassian was kidnapped and lost his sister#jyn was a child soldier#(and so was cassian if you wanna go by his original backstory but i digress)#both had an unstable childhood#both had to watch their parent die actually (lyra and clem)#jyn was abandoned by saw cassian was in juvie#both went to labour camp#they literally both went through the same things but please tell me how cassian had it so much easier than her i'd like to hear#again it's not a competition anyway#but it's ridiculous to even compare when they went through pretty much the same shit lmao#im fucking tired of this narrative#i swear some of y'all don't even like cassian lmao#shut up sissi#discourse#maybe i'll delete this later#im just fucking tired#stop pitting jyn and cassian against each other#they're equals that's the best part about them!! my god#anyway this is a cassian andor defense account#don't talk to me if you don't like him
49 notes
·
View notes
Text
not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#went down a wikipedia rabbithole tonight and learned some chilean history#specifically around project cybersyn#President Salvador Allende#and the 1973 Military coup#and uh#fucking tragic#i think ive existed in a strange(? maybe its actually relatively common idrk) position as an American leftist where like#the crimes of american imperialism feel so innumerable to where at a certain point you stop learning about them on purpose#so like for years ive 'known' that what the USG has done to South America was awful#i 'learned' about honduras and so I just applied that as a template and went 'yeah some awful shit happened and its the CIAs fault'#but uh getting a bit more detailed knowledge about what our government did in chile has made me realize how callous that was#i dont know that ive nessecarily earned my previous attitude of 'cold detached and depressed' given#that not only did I not live through any of it but also that it was done in my benefit#god maybe this is some milquetoast shit#idk#I think being a leftist in the US is having to fight the passivating force of imperialism constantly#like lose sight of it for a second and it just fucking blends back in with the landscape#the internally defensive structure you build in your brain to protect yourself from complete emotional collapse while buying food#will equally be effective in ignoring the role of imperialism in everything else#anyway#I think this is perhaps a good opportunity to learn more about the other crimes the USG has committed in South America#to actually know the names and pronunciation of the deomcratically elected socialist leaders we deposed and what they really wanted to do#to know how their people felt and thought about things rather than imposing my own assumptions onto a reigon I am utterly ignorant of#it is embarrassing now to know the fullness of history I have ignored#Salvador Allendes words really fucking got to me and to think that there are men like him who I cannot even name is really disappointing#im going to stop self flaggellating and see about that reading#just my thoughts#feeling a little blue tonight
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Every day my adhd meds wear off, and every day i end up staying up way too late bc I'm hyperfixating
#moss mumbles#i literally have to FINISH my geography coursework tomorrow and im still up at almost 3am oh my god 😭#in my defense i was scrolling through cursed ao3 tags it was a lot of fun#anyway#im gonna listen to the charles the second song and then go to bed now 👍#(why is my brain choosing to think this hard about mat/hew bayn/ton rn. please i am begging. i have things to do this week)#okay goodnight
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Us talking to our councillor about this newly discovered alter: his job is to help us process this negative emotion and protect us, and sometimes he goes too far and either we get hurt or other people get hurt, but he doesn't mean to, and we cant do this without him
Our councillor: so how do you control him? How do you restrain him? Can you get rid of him? Can you make him stop?
Us:........WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
#the negative emotion in question is anger so this is technically me getting defensive over myself but the anger isnt just mine yknow?#i think we messed up a bit talking to her about me#shes been pretty understanding of the plural thing but shes not TRAINED in this. if she has experience with it its not much#because that shit is kinda......super messed up?#her first question was literally 'how can you control him' like im fuckin evil or something#good to know that we cant talk to her about the actually complex parts of being plural#good to know we figured that out through me. all im gonna do is get pissed#imagine if it was someone who would actually be seriously hurt by something like that#not saying im not but i know shes in the wrong for it and im pissed about it#anyway im pretty sure whoever was fronting for that appointment handled it pretty well#they didnt give in or let her think that just because i mess up i shouldnt be doing my job#if that was the case she might as well quit her job right there on the spot because thats hella hypocritical#one of the reasons i was discovered was literally because we were so pissed at her (and some other things going on)#that i took front and started lashing out#(she messed up pretty bad but unfortunately its been forgotten instead of forgiven so now i dont know why im mad)
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#im actually being like.... really truthful lately with friends and family about what im going through and how my homelife#ACTUALLY was instead of having it buried under ten layers of my own internal rationalizations#and let me tell I'm getting some weird looks lately because to me it's all very old hat and even kind of funny#graveyard humor is kinda my thing#idk what to tell ya pals it's just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i don't mean to make you uncomfortable but pls consider that im the person the shirt thing actually happened to#other trauma survivors get it. people who haven't lived with that tend to be kind of shocked or upset#i have to bite my tongue a lot sometimes#*shitty thing i am not retyping all that#a part of me worries it's a new defense mechanism? like floodlighting#it doesn't feel like that though mire just.... honesty#no longer avoiding or omitting things#if someone can't cope with that that really isn't my problem.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#im about to snap lmfao on the one hand being around adhd friends and engaging w content by adhd ppl is great#terrific even. they fuckin Get it#but idk if triggering is the right word but god it fucking hurts smthn awful#bc i am just taken back to my MESS of a diagnosis where i was defensive and masking the entire time and ultimately left w a 'just anxiety'#diagnosis and every subsequent talk w therapist where they diminish my experiences bc i dont have a Real diagnosis#i got the first chance w a school grang#and i fucked it and probably can never afford to try again and i sure as SHIT cannot navigate the system to#even if somehow miraculously i could the fucking thought of going through the administrative bullshit to set things up#makes me want to break my fucking bones for the crunch of it bc thats the only thing thatll make everything else STOP#idk its just weird relating and being soothed by people i dont feel like ill actually belong to#its been a fucked up brain time realizing im not even fucking mentally ill in a relatable way lmfaooooooo#jade.exe
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
psa if you dont like my blog block it, dont message me this shit bc i dont fucking need to hear it. YOU need to make the action for YOUR life
i already feel like a fucking burden in real life, i dont need this type of negativity about how unwanted and unneeded my fucking weed blog is. it could all be so simple
#normally i would just make a joke and go but im currently already going through hella abandonment issues#in my defense the previous blogs to say this shit were meaner#literally#just got a door slammed kn me moments before this because my cousin was following me around while i was doing a bunch of chores#he got tired of following me around n got made about having to chase me around when he randomly got up and started following me around#while i was doing stuff#and my bongs in his room#and i already been feeling like a burden to him#even though im constantly doing things for him daily#this is a venting blog now idgaf#weed
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Oh shit! I forgot I have to finish writing this chapter of 'Twisted Love' by tonight so I can have it edited and posted by tomorrow!
I like how I changed my posting to two weeks but still procrastinated so I'm rushing near the end 😅
#my writing#One day I'll do things in a timely matter#I'm blaming this on forgetting to take my medicine for a few days- in my defense I have a wisdom tooth coming in and it hurts a lot#it's been distracting me#No one told me you can still get wisdom teeth after your done with your teens#I'm 20 and im going through this shit now?? Not cool dude#0/10
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me, the moment I make myself vulnerable:
#for real though#my body floods me with emotions even over the basic thing like admitting Im friends with someone or just being honest???#like body...really?????? its basic human thing and i trust them to know im going to be hurt#stupid self defense mechanism but its better to go through it and go through the motions that keep everything bottle up and hope people kno#how much they mean to me and make my world better#yes that include you mutuals and followers. i see you and the tags you write#imp rambles#anyways back to shitposting folks
1 note
·
View note
Text
The gangrel and salubri count in Toronto is very high for a campaign that was supposed to be mostly ventrue, brujah and tremere....
There's like 12 of each.... Toronto has the highest salubri count and it wasn't even intentional.
#me when im#zekes vampire posting#In my defense for the salubri#The 8 fledglings were a plot point in the current game and got adopted by an I'll prepared gangrel.#One was already there and a potential plot point for the coming game#Another is a cameo from Philly#And the other two are new but ones a character I was going to play in a new Orleans game (fell through)#And the last little fledgling is just a big NPC.#Like the original salubri count was going to be 3 max but then things happened....
1 note
·
View note
Text
sighhhhhhhhhhh
#ever since i started realizing my hyperindependence was a defense mechinism and not a clever strategy ive been getting so sentimental#i keep randomly thinking 'man i should go check my twitter account and see how it's going there' and then i remember i havent had that#account in 1.5yrs and even before i deactivated the dynamic was so screwed anyway that i couldnt just waltz back in like nothing happened#not to mention that half the reason i even looked at twitter is no longer available as a feature. and then i don't have a substitute either#i think this is happening bc in accepting that i am fundamentally not built to succeed as an independent/isolated entity i am also allowing#myself to miss things that i tried really hard to hide behind walls bc i felt like they were counterproductive to my growth#and like. i think that was actually true for a while and i really did need to build this healthy sense of self-prioritization so that#i could heal all the wounds that caused me to behave in a codependent and self destructive way. but now i've achieved that goal. it's done.#so keeping those same restrictions around after they served their purpose was just holding me in place bc i've outgrown them#this has def been the scariest thing to face thus far bc it felt so contradictory to my overall goal of Not Being Codependent and that by#accepting this unchangeable condition all the work i put into that would be undone. but. both things can be true. there's always balance#so yeah all this sentimental stuff coming up i guess is like. i never 'forgot' anything but i only let myself think about it rationally#and now i'm going back through all of the memories and allowing myself to feel them emotionally again. mannn this i why i love psychology#like yeah i miss these things but ive also accepted that things had to change for a reason. i wont say the thing but. yknow. and that's ok#by doing the rationality work first i can now think back on these experiences and feel the happiness without the sadness of 'losing' them#it's been really difficult working through this stuff but im glad ive reached this point where i can accept myself limitations and all#and i get the feeling that having this deeper openness to whatever the future holds will end up being pretty worthwhile
1 note
·
View note