#in love with shepard brain disease

[retired-magical-girl]

cant wait to be free from silent hill #lush life

#zara larsson

lol cant wait i just need to not pick the mental scab when im ok :D i honestly just realised how much of a loop my brain is ive had chairs taken away from me bc i dont stop spinning, i have this constant rls and need to move, i obsess negatively but i obsess positively and its very just who i am in some sense that my pattern recognition, ideas, and enjoyment derive from it. if i love someone i need to know everything and know their patterns. theres people i check everyday not because i want to do anything to them or even feel strongly i just check. i can think about one subject for 5 hours i constantly obsess again and again over the one thing that stops it and i feel like my brain just tells me real messages in weird ways. shhh i shouldnt be analysing myself but idk ill watch archer in a bit and obsess and rewatch that it puts my brain somewhere it can be stupid and smart at the same time

"i should slow down here" > "TODAY THE MOBILE SPEED CAMERA WILL BE THERE... HAHAHA I KNEW IT"

"i think i have a problem but idk what it is" > "ants/ghosts/etc" (actually dont know and this is hard as i believe in chaos magic which is so funny to me)

"i think i need those pills to function" > *researches it for hours, replays memories, and doesnt get the message from brain*

"i like this person" > "why do i see all their layers. i need to learn all the little tics, quabbles, and details about this person and check them in some way everyday and lowkey be a hypocrite as a paranoid person"

"this person is sad" > "i see all their layers and oh my god i just predicted when theyd change the channel and i just internally verbalised play by play their unconscious thoughts what the fuck"

*i sctually dont know what it is or idk its. 3 paragraph thing of possibilities, insecurities, and predispostions* > "theyre all watching and conspiring against me and everything is a message to make me feel guilty"

theres this belgian shepard i just realised is like me lol. but another thing im scared of is if i look into peoples layers and tendencies and issues... i get them??? like an absurd example is i thought i had a disease for looking at someones recount of their own health and because i was checking their account and was a bad person it was only fate that somehow i had something bad (it was just dry skin... from the dry climate...) so i feel lile i cant be myself because everything sticks to me so how do i know its me or how do i know im actually copying someone and how do i know if its my brain beinng weird??? i just cant wait to be free so i can be "fun" "quirky". its weird i think i just dont have an ego boundary so i spill into everyone and their mental space but their thoughts feelings and etc can become mine which is lol. like i notice and i feel bad sometimes but tbh i could be doing worse things but someone will be like "i am x" and ill be like "i am also x" and idk if im supposed to say "youre so x" so sorry if i do that im trying not to but idk whats correct though. so if i do that and it makes you upset just tell me cuz idk i love it when i relate to people and they relate to me and i actually love people who know and talk about themselves like memoirs are the best for me lol.

my point is not all of it is ego dystonic but just how i am and idk if u can fix that past meds and certain shit to not piss people off/create trouble and idk im not speaking in absolutes so stop it. because its how i fundamentally react to the world and work and idk its like making an ant do a backflip to walk and that only. but theres some stuff id love to work on and thats the stuff i spend all day arguinfbwith myself until the conclusion is very grim.

[commander-ralyle]

General update for here. Sorry I haven't been on in a long time. Been trying to get away from scrolling, but got sucked into Facebook scrolling cause the drama video excerpts get me. X'D I am jobless. Have been for awhile. I had a really good job for a few months, but it was a contract one. I got a job for four days before they let me go for "no specific reason" i.e. I am close to being diagnosed with lupus, had to sit down for 5 minutes because I was in a huge amount of pain, ADHD, and hated the fact that nothing in a restaurant was consistent. I started therapy for awhile, but new conditions for my insurance fucked me over with my depression/anxiety and so lost that. I have been on meds and will be for another two months at least before I run out. They have been amazing at helping me control my moods. I am still living with my parents and still hate it. Not as much as I used to, but I'm dealing and still want out. My grandparents now also live on the property. My white privileged boomer trump supporting grandparents by the way. They're not bad so long as you don't mention stuff. They know I'm queer, but just ignore it so could be worse. My brother has been useless emotions/social wise, but is being kind enough to help me financially at times as have been my parents. I'm going to try and start a business this week though with my uncle's help. He got a job with the county that gives him grants that he can help ppl take training with and he's offered it to me as I'm the least successful out of his kids and nieces/nephews which I really appreciate his help. My girlfriend and I are doing amazing and communicating lots. I love her more than I can ever express and appreciate her willingness to talk things out with me. :) She's the light of my life as sappy as that is. <3 :D My cat Chroma is doing pretty well socially now. She doesn't run as much if I'm standing over her. My cockatiel Tristan is as noisy as ever and still not ppl friendly, but I love him and he mimics my tone a lot even if he doesn't talk which is super cute. <3 We have a German Shepard we rescued and I get along with pretty well. Normally I hate petting dogs cause of their smell/fur unless it's with my foot, but I can tolerate petting her with my hands. My therapist just before we stopped recommended walking her and spending time with her to get over my social anxiety. My social anxiety btw is suuuper bad. I can't stand being in large gatherings unless there's a lot of space or I can escape as needed. Eating at tables is fine thankfully as there's plenty of space often times. I'm still addicted to Dr Pepper, but thankfully am not diabetic and managed to get away from being prediabetic. So that's a dodge. Part of the reason I mention all this is I am Indigenous so am more in danger of diabetes and other similar diseases. The lupus might also be from my dad's side of the family which is where I get my Indigenous roots from. The lupus is pretty bad. It explains my fatigue and brain function problems that do interfer with my day to day life. It also has caused a big deteriation in my eyesight often causing pain. It was actually an emergency eyedoctor who was the first to name lupus as a suspect and my doctors at the same location as my therapist were able to have me tested and it was positive. I have not been to a specialist so no meds or official diagnosis yet due to the insurance issues. :( My halfsister who my dad adopted had her second child so that's interesting. I'm still hiding from babysitting cause I know I'm not gonna get paid or appreciated and tbh children that young scare me cause they're fragile, messy, and can be pretty mean. :/ Maybe I can get over it eventually, but for now hiding from getting roped into stuff is easier. I'm not rude/mean to the kids tho obvs. That'd be horrible. Sister is at least trying to be nicer as is my brother since they're starting to see now how fucked up I am emotionally and mentally from all I've gone through cause of things they said or did or that our family said or did. So looking up despite all the setbacks. :)

All in all, life is fucking crazy and never know what you dig up. It's going alright though and mentally I'm still bad, but not as bad as I used fo be. Mainly thanks to the meds tbh. I do miss being more social on various websites, but have had to cut that back a lot. Hopefully can get things going again someday soon. :)

[spookyvalentine]

shepard is just so hunky

have mercy i mean really

[niccirobertson]

What is executive burnout? - how to spot it, how to manage it. 

Burnout is a word that has been casually thrown around for decades. However, burnout is a real issue. Psychologist Herbert Freudenberger first coined the term “burnout” in the 1970s to describe the stress and emotional depletion he saw in people.

More than just burning the candle at both ends, burnout affects multiple biological systems. Leading to inflammation, disease and many mental and emotional issues in the long term.  So how does a person get to a point where they are experiencing real burnout and how do you read the signs?

The stage is often set for burnout long before it happens, sometimes even years.  Burnout comes from poor time and self management. Striving for perfection, being unaware of our mental and biological cues that tell us to switch off or take a break and believing that we can function on very little rest. There is also a very prominent link to emotional stress and relationships with the self and others. 

Executive burnout has always been an issue but is especially prevalent a the moment. And thanks to the Covid Crisis, more organisations are witnessing the effect that stress and general work-life imbalance is having on their key employees. The key to dealing with any situation is knowing how to recognise it.

What are the signs?

Chronic tiredness, even after waking up in the morning

Feelings of frustration, hopelessness, cynicism and anger with situations and people

A sense of never being good enough or questioning your abilities and competencies

Weekend immune system - never quite getting over a cold and having achy joints, headaches or generalised pain

Needing to self-soothe with alcohol, narcotics or processed foods

Feeling that there is no fun in your life

How does it happen?

We all know someone who seems relentlessly busy, these are the people who seem to never pause for breath. 

Very often people create “busyness” to avoid dealing with difficult emotional issues. Or if they seem frantically busy so no one will think they are incompetent. Finding yourself in a new role or having to fight to keep your job or clients can often be a trigger for this type of frantic busyness, which will ultimately lead to less productivity. 

People who burnout find delegation difficult. They say yes to too many commitments and have forgotten how to switch off. 

Sometimes burnout can come from doing what you love and what you are extremely good at. Having a passion for the job is an unusual and enviable gift. But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take strategic breaks to recharge your creative energy. 

Are you being exhausted by distraction? Are too many issues asking for your attention all at once? The brain cannot multitask and expecting yourself to deal with too much all at once down-regulates your ability to function.

The difference between people who burn out and the ones who don’t .

From years of working with high functioning, successful business owners and CEOs I’ve learned that those who continue to create successful and profitable organisations without sacrificing their health and relationships tend to do the following: 

Being sensitive to your own needs so that you can perform at your most optimal which means ensuring that you get enough sleep and movement every day. 

Learning to do this takes experience or the will to understand yourself, a skill that should be taught at school.

Avoiding burnout means that you need to learn to pace yourself. This is not a skill that comes naturally. Pro athletes rest more than they train in order to be world-class. We can learn a lot from this type of strategy.

The human brain can only give full attention to any task for around 30 minutes before needing to rest. Creating a support team that you can delegate certain tasks to can take off an enormous load. Needing to do everything yourself so that its done right is counterintuitive and unsustainable.

Understanding priorities - not everything needs to be done today. Being disciplined about putting your attention where it is needed most, enables a reward feedback loop in your brain structure. Over time you will become better at dealing with the issues that are most important because your brain rewards you with endorphins for doing so. 

Productive people are organised. They have a plan and stick with it,  with room for manoeuvre where necessary. There is no point making endless lists if you are going to be plagued by distraction. 

Where to start

Begin by realising that self management does not come naturally to most people. While having ambition and high standards is admirable, knowing where and when to focus your energy is what will separate you from everyone else. 

Start with a self-strategy. Decide on what is important to you. When all is said and done, what would you like your life to have looked like?

The steps that will take you towards reaching your goals require you to understand yourself and what your limits entail. Yes, we all have limits and like any muscle, with adequate rest and resources - that muscle can be trained to take on more. 

Sometimes coming back from burnout means that you need to take a long hard look at your life and make some hard decisions about what is or isn’t working for you. Being authentic with yourself and with other people, as scary as that may be for some, is massively rewarding in the long term. 

Listen to my podcast interview with Simon Shepard from Optima Life for more on performance and burnout. 

[keelymewett]

Zombie Movie: I Am Legend (2007)

“Here’s Karen at the health desk.”

Karen from the health desk. (Picture: A female news anchor, Karen from the health desk.)

Language warning (sorry kids, but this is an MA15+ movie). 

I shit you not, that’s one of the opening quotes of the movies. So, friends and enemies, welcome to the longest review I’ve done of a zombie movie yet. It’s 1:35am here in Australia and I’ve just finished rewatching I Am Legend, everything’s fresh in my mind and I’m hyped up on chocolate. 

This movie has incredible tension, a fresh take on the zombie apocalypse, and it’s based on the 1954 novel by Richard Matherson, which inspired the modern day vampire and zombie movies. Why you may ask? Because it popularised the concept of a worldwide apocalypse due to a disease... now I’m beginning to realise that watching zombie movies during a global pandemic maybe wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Any who. 

YouTube rewind made me forget how bloody good of an actor Will Smith is, and boy does he deliver in this movie. Robert’s (that his character, btw, though I will probably end up just referring to the character as Will Smith) interactions with Sam the goodest girl in the world (she’s a dog) and the mannequins is incredible.

The goodest girl in the world. (Picture: A dog (I’m sorry - I don’t know dog breeds! I’m 99% sure she’s a German Shepard) being given a bath and head scratches by Will Smith.)

Now: three things to look forward to in this “review” (assuming you read the spoilery section below). One: how realistic is this apocalypse? Two: there’s a dog. Three: zombie vampires. Vampire zombies? 

Backgrounds details! (Picture: Will Smith opened the fridge. On the fridge door are photos of his wife and daughter, a calendar dated for December, a drawing with “Marley” written in kids handwriting, post-it notes, a pamphlet with the heading “Quarantine”, and a Time Magazine cover of Robert Neville (Will Smith). The title reads (heading) “Saviour?” (sub-heading) “Soldier, Scientist” (body of text) “In a Battle that Could Save Thousands of Lives, Lt. Col. Robert Neville Takes on the XV Virus.”

Also, there’s banging in my house at the moment and when I say I’m peaking. I’m going to need to listen to some music while I write this.

Read on for a fun time! Spoilers ahoy!

Realism (the really relevant part. Yikes)

Okay, so what’s this fresh take on the apocalypse? Basically, this doctor cures cancer and it all goes to shit from there. I’m not 100% on the logistical jump from “destroying cancer cells” to “humans (and animals) becoming bloodthirsty mutants that burn in the sun” - for instance, this is just my sci-fi high-school biology and physics brain working here, cancer is basically a rogue cell that mutates other cells and destroys them in the process, yeah? So if the doctor, like she said, uses these cancer cells to work for the body and in the process “cures” cancer, wouldn’t the humans just... infect each other and the virus would kill the host if it went south? Given, that did happen in like 90% of cases as Will Smith explains, but where does the sunlight allergy come in? Is cancer afraid of UV? Confused, but I digress. 

... Is that my queen, Missy, from Umbrella Academy? (Picture: A woman with blood leaking from her eyes, holding a child and shouting for help.)

The scene where they’re listening to the radio and the guy is like we’re “issuing a military quarantine of New York City” I’m like bitch you wish. Unrealistic. The USA currently (9/10/2020) has the highest cases of COVID-19 in the world (for future historians and poor school children, it’s at 7.68 MILLION cases, no statistic for recovered cases for some weird ass reason, and sadly, 212,000 deaths. For reference, here in Australia we’ve had as of today 27,206 cases, 24,807 recovered and 897 deaths. New Zealand, who went into hard lockdown, had as of today, 1,864 cases, 1,800 recovered, and 25 deaths, with a period where there were 0 new cases for several days.)

Though, with that in mind, everyone going outside and gathering in large crowds? Realistic. 

The actual movie part

Praises time! Will Smith has a stockpile of food. Also, him getting Sam (the dog) to eat her vegetables like she’s a little kid? Cutest thing ever. 

Stockpilesss. (Picture: Will Smith wearing an apron and preparing a meal in a kitchen chock full of food items, including things like Pringles and spaghetti sauce.)

Setting alarms on his watch for sunset? Brilliant, smart idea, fantastic. Re-enforced windows and door, AND booby-trapped house? Incredible, genius. Setting traps to catch the zomvamps? (like the dumb name I just came up with? Don’t worry, I’ll reveal the stupid arbitrary name they ACTUALLY came up with later) Talent, intelligence. 

Dude, why wouldn’t you restrain the head/chest? You know, the part that can bite you? (Picture: Will Smith in a lab coat standing over a female zombie-vampire who’s been secured to a metal bench by the wrists and ankles. Medical monitors are connected to her.)

Now, Will Smith is out here looking for a cure. And by looking, I mean actively creating. In a lab. He washes his hands before going in - *chef’s kiss* follow his example - and unlike other zombie movies where it’s super dramatic in the hunt for a cure, this is a lot more chill considering it’s a) been 3 years and b) is more like how science actually works. Trials, tests, animal test-subjects (there is a debate about the ethics of this which I won’t go into here) (I mean a debate in real life not in the zombie movie haha) and human test-subjects. 

“Did you kidnap my girlfriend, bro?” (Picture: bald, pale muscular dude-bro-looking zombie-vampire roaring in rage.)

The mother-fracking zombies

I have to say it: these are the most dumbass looking vampire-zombies. I say vampire-zombies (zomvamps) because they avoid sunlight but also eat people? 

Now, unlike most zombie movies, these are really bloody intelligent zomvamps. At one point, after setting a booby trap and catching a zomvamp after stumbling into a nest of them, Robert says “They’re not showing any human social behaviour.” Hahahaha. Okay bitch first of all dude bro screamed when you kidnapped his mate, secondly dude bro has pet dogs, thirdly dude bro fucking caught you in a trap. He took revenge on you there, love. He followed you home!

The zomvamps are apex predators, can climb, run, hunt in packs, communicate with each other, set booby traps, make coordinated attacks, follow you home, learn where you live and remember it, and holy fuck humans had no chance. 

Thank you for clarifying, because I actually found this quite funny. Like, look at him! (Picture: dude-bro zombie-vampire from earlier growling in front of a flaming car. The zombie-vampires are very CGI, pale, fish-person looking things with pale skin and completely bald of hair. This guy is wearing ripped clothes. The caption reads “Growls menacingly”.)

Random things I have in my notes but haven’t mentioned yet (yes I took notes) 

What’s with the apocalypse and mannequins? Looking at you, Five (Umbrella Academy). 

(Picture: Will Smith looking at a “female” mannequin, who is dressed in a coat and black bob wig. They’re in a movie store. Funnily enough, behind the mannequin is the “Adult” section of the films.)

I agree with the fuck-that-shit sentiment when you see a mannequin suddenly appear in a different part of the city - like how in the hell?? 

(Picture: Will Smith aiming a rifle at a mannequin in an orange jumper. Mannequin is usually located outside of the movie store, yet here it is randomly in the middle of the street at the end of a T-section. There are tall glass windows behind the mannequin, and the window to the right has a giant, gaping pitch black hole in it. It’s presumed that there is a nest of zombie-vampires in there.)

... so is this a booby trap for humans or for zomvamps? Because the former makes sense if that dude bro zomvamp analysed Will Smith’s trap from earlier and remade it (hence dropped the car off a bridge to string him up), and the latter doesn’t really make sense because a) you’ll only catch (and probably kill) one zomvamp and why would you want only one unless you’re Robert and two why tf aren’t you meeting up with Robert he’s been broadcasting and racing around town hunting deer (elk?) in a sports car. 

I’d like to know how hard it actually is to do like a weird sit-up and get yourself free of one of these kinds of traps. Am I dumb for thinking it’s not that hard? (Picture: Will Smith is suspended in the air by a rope tied around his ankle, the result of a booby-trap. He’s struggling to free himself.)

Come on, you’re literally a doctor and a soldier. Don’t tell me you’re actually considering pulling that out? (Picture: Will Smith has been impaled in the leg by something. It looks like he’s about to attempt to pull it out. He’s in the middle of the street as the sun sets, and Sam is right next to him.)

Sam is a queen. Here are some photos of her.

(Picture: Robert Neville’s wife carrying a baby Sam - Sam is a puppy, by the way, and very adorable. Neville’s young daughter is walking out of the gate to their house behind her mother.)

(Picture: Will Smith in a flashback saying goodbye to his wife and daughter and crying. Sam is licking away his tears.)

Sometimes I hate foreshadowing. (Picture: Will Smith searching a house. He opens a cupboard and there’s a newspaper article with a picture of a zombie-vampire dog. The article reads “Infected dogs can come out at dusk. Stay in the light.” There’s a number to call for questions.)

Worst birthday ever. Now I’m sad and there’s still half the movie left. 

(Picture: Will Smith sitting on the floor of his lab, hugging Sam, who’s just been bitten by infected dogs.) 

Get Shrek’d.

(Picture: The ‘Shrek’ movie playing on the TV in Neville’s house.)

Ma’am, do you not know how to ration? That is such a waste of food. (Picture: the woman and kid who rescued Will Smith have cooked breakfast. She’s cooked way too many scrambled eggs for two adults and a kid, and all the of the bacon for literally no reason.)

Oh yeah, wanna know what they call the zombies in this movie? 

Dark Seekers. They dropped that one on us well into the final half of the movie. Dark Seekers? Really? I won’t get into how dumb that sounds when you had two options to choose from - vampires and zombies. Hell, go with my suggestion of zomvamps, even vampzoms. Dark Seekers? Sorry, I get hung up on dumb zombie-alternative names. Sure, I get the atmosphere might be ruined by calling them vampires or zombies, but not even lying I didn’t realise she said “Dark Seekers” until I turned the CC on to grab a quote. I thought she said “Dog Keepers” hahahaha. “The dog keepers got them.” My defence is that the dude bro did keep dogs. 

Finally, wrapping this up at 2:15 before I add in pictures, you’re telling me approximately 100 zomvamps made a coordinated attack on Will Smith’s house to eat... 3 people? That’s like me and a hundred mates descending on the pentagon for a fucking snickers bar. We’d get like an atom each. 

Oh, what’s that? They’re here to rescue one person? Really? Really? How in the fuck are they even zombies if their primary purpose isn’t to eat humans. I’m disappointed. But points for a fresh take, at least. 

Now one of the things I remember about this movie is that is has an alternate ending. The actual ending (huge spoilers but then again, you’re in the spoiler section) has Will Smith sacrifice himself (read: blow himself and the zomvamps up with a grenade) to defend the cure and save his new friends. The alternate ending, which was scrapped due to negative audience reaction, has Will Smith communicate with the zomvamps who like actually calm down and listen to him. He gives the dude bro back his friend, and... no one dies. 

I’m sorry, how is an ending where, sure, a cure isn’t found YET, but, the “villains” of the movie are humanised and a new side of them is seen that shows, hey, maybe there’s another way through this apocalypse, better than an ending where Will Smith dies? Make it make sense test audience. Because, remember, there’s still a whole bunch of immune people living out here, and three of them are currently in the same room. Robert’s only been working on the cure for 3 years. How many years do you reckon it takes to cure cancer? Hint: it’s ongoing in real life. Just because the cure isn’t found in the movie doesn’t mean it won’t be found. Ughhhh. I digress again. 

I have more random photos but I am very tired. If anyone’s interested in hearing me roast butterflies, the world not actually ending in 2012, and a missed pun about Until Dawn (even though it was made like ten years after this), and a quick analysis on Robert Neville and God, let me know :) 

Have a great day everyone, wash your hands, social distance if possible, and quarantine. Just because the COVID-19 virus isn’t turning us into zombies doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting us. 

Worldwide statistics, 9/10/2020: 36.2M total cases, 25.3M recovered, 1.06M deaths. 

(Picture: Will Smith saying “I like ‘Shrek’ after just quoting an entire scene of it to win a kid’s trust.)

[dr-ladybird]

more people who can die and make you sad!

Hey. I just realised that I’ve read some brilliant angstfic about Commander Shepard or their LI eventually dying of old age, but the love interest involved is always, always Garrus. Except once when it was about Miranda having a longer lifespan than a normal human. Every other time I’ve read that plot, it’s been FShep/Garrus (often Garrus getting the same disease his mother had, but I’ve also seen plenty where he died of something else or Shepard died first).

Which is odd, because:

What about Shepard/Liara? Unless Miranda did something very odd to Shep, they’re going to die while Liara’s still young. It’s basically a human/High Elf pairing! Thankfully without Tolkien’s weird “elves mate FOR LIFE and if their partner dies they just have to MISS THEM FOREVER” thing, I’m sure Liara can marry someone else in another hundred years or so, but the lifespan issue is very prominently there so I’m a bit puzzled that it never shows up in fic.

Or what about Shepard/Kaidan? Pretty sure Kaidan’s at higher risk of early-onset neurodegenerative disease than Garrus is. Garrus might have bad genes? No clue. Is Corpalis Syndrome even genetic? Whereas (correct me if I’m confused) I’m pretty sure Kaidan canonically has rational concerns that his brain might wear out early due to the whole L2 situation.

Both those pairings are pretty popular, so has anyone written either of those scenarios? Anyone want to?

...I think I really like the Liara one now...

[steves-on-a-plane]

Chapter Two: Oh Brother

Renowned and Illustrious  Chapter One  Words: 1268 Crossover Fic: Grey’s Anatomy x Iron Man/MCU Timeline: Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 & Pre-Iron Man 1 Pairings: Meredith Grey x Derek Shepard & Tony Stark x Pepper Potts Other Relationships: Brother!Tony Stark & Sister!Meredith Grey Summary: Meredith’s mysterious stepbrother arrives at Seattle Grace Hospital in the wake of her drowning and Elis’ hospitalization.  Next Chapter will be posted: October 9, 2019

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Grey?"  A tall fit guy with a goatee stepped up the nurses' station. He flashed the nurse a winning smile. She recognized him immediately, but for politeness sake she did not say so. It was a hospital after all. Whatever had brought the CEO to Seattle Grace's surgical floor couldn't be good.  

"Did you say Dr. Grey?"  A doctor in a lab coat asked from behind him. Her blonde hair was in a high ponytail and her brown eyes shined as she talked to him.

"Well, hello!" He winked. "I'd love to play doctor with you." The doctor seemed to be used to this sort of treatment. She just rolled her eyes.

"Sir, I'm Doctor Isobel Stevens. Are you looking for Meredith or Elis Grey?"

"Elis is here too?" The smirk faded from the man's face. Of course Dr. Stevens had no way of knowing that he was terrified of Elis, because she had no way of knowing that Elis Grey was his stepmother.

"You're...you're looking for Elis Grey?" A new doctor walked over from down the hall. "Hi, I'm George O'Malley. I'm one of Elis' doctors. I can bring you up to speed on her case, but I'm sorry, who are you in relation to the patient?"

"I'm not here to see Elis." The man insisted firmly. "My name is Tony Stark, the billionaire. Perhaps you've heard of me?" He rolled his eyes in annoyance at their blank expressions. Of course if these doctors were anything like Meredith they probably didn't have time to watch TV or the news, but they should at least know who he was. "I got a call from this place saying that my sister drowned. Now can someone please tell me where Dr. Meredith Grey is?" Tony was getting angry now. He didn't fly across the country just for this run around.

"Meredith? Someone called you because of Meredith?" George felt the blood drain from his face. He didn't know much about Meredith's brother, other than they had once been very close and for some reason grew apart. Things had to be pretty bad if someone had called him.

"Didn't I just say that?" Tony sighed. He couldn't understand how Mer worked in a place like this. she had a very low tolerance for stupidity and thus far that was all he had seen from the staff at Seattle Grace Hospital. "I got a call, technically my assistant took the call, but the doctor's name was  some profession...Farmer, Baker..."

"It was Shepherd." A sharply dressed red headed woman had just stepped off one of the elevators. It was Tony's assistant, Pepper Potts. She had honed in on her boss' voice like sonar. Pepper introduced herself before explaining to the doctors that she had taken the call from a Derek Shepherd.

"Oh I just saw him." O'Malley seemed relieved. "He was heading towards Elis' room. I can take you there."

"While you do that I'll head down to the E.R. and see if I can get an update." Dr. Stevens rushed off. As she disappeared, George waved for Pepper and Tony to follow him.

"Mr. Stark are you aware that your step-mother has a pretty severe case of Alzheimer's Disease?"

" I know that she has the disease, but it hadn't progressed very far when I saw her last." Tony had hoped to never seen Elis again, but he thought it was best to keep that thought to himself. Doctors didn't tend to care about the nitty-gritty family stuff that happens outside of their hospital.

"You might want to prepare yourself. She may not remember who you are or she might think you are someone else." George told them as he led the way through the surgical floor to Elis Grey's room.  

"I think I can handle her." Tony wrinkled his nose in a way that made him seem more arrogant and condescending than ever. George got the impression that Mer's brother didn't like him very much. The feeling definitely was mutual.

"Please excuse him, Dr. O'Malley." Pepper apologized. "Mr. Stark understands machines better than he does people."

"Mr. Stark?" Derek turned away from Elis' bed to see Meredith's rich brother and his assistant. "I'm Dr. Shepherd," he introduced with an outstretched hand. "I'm both your step-mother's neurosurgeon and your sisters..."

"McDreamy?" Tony snorted, shaking Derek's hand. "Your Meredith's McDreamy neurosurgeon?" Both men let their arms drop to their sides. Derek smiled.

"You've heard about that?" He ran a hand through his hair.

"Oh yeah." Tony smirked. He turned to introduce Pepper, when his step-mother started barking from her bed.

"Howard! Howard where have you been?" She was glaring at her step-son, obviously convinced that he was his father. "Tony's locked himself in the basement again..."

"Alzheimer's." Derek explained sympathetically.

"Trust me, it's not the first time she's accused me of being exactly like him. I'm Tony, you grouchy old hag!" He yelled at her from the doorway. "Don't give me that look, Pep." He added, sensing her disapproval. "Take every negative thought you've ever had about me, multiply it by oh, a thousand? And then maybe, just maybe, you'd be close to how I feel about Elis Grey." Neither George nor Derek said anything to the contrary. They had both heard enough stories from Meredith to know the sort of damage Elis could do to a person.

"Besides," Tony clap his hands together. "We're not here to see her. Doc McSteamy, what can you tell me about my sister? I assume since you called, you have some information. And she is the reason I came all the way out to Seattle. Because honestly of all the places, Seattle? So details, please, you gotta give me something here..." He snapped his fingers waiting for someone to answer.

"She drowned." Derek said. "We were on the scene of a ferry boat accident. Somehow she ended up in the water. It was quite some time before anyone noticed she had even gone missing, but I-I found her and I pulled her out...but..." Derek explained. He didn't worry about being too graphic or telling Tony too much. He could tell just from their small interaction that the billionaire was not easily shaken. for his part, Tony tried to listen and nod at all the right times but truth be told, he didn't really care how it happened so much as what was happening now. He knew that Meredith really seemed to like McAdjective so he was trying to play nice. At least for now.

"Where is she now? Can I see her?"

"I'm afraid not, Mr. Stark." George frowned. "She currently has no heartbeat. The last we heard her body temperature was eighty-six degrees."

"So you're telling me she's..." Tony looked to Pepper for confirmation. His scientific brain was telling him that if there was no heartbeat his sister was dead, but he hoped with all his heart that someone would tell him that was not the case.

"Not yet." Dr. Stevens entered the room. Her ponytail swinging back and forth from her quickened pace. "I'm sorry, she's still not in good place, but she is still alive. They've tried warming her up. They, that is Bailey and the Chief, they think if they can get her temperature up, her heart will start again. All we can do right now is wait."

"Did I see a bar across the street?" Tony asked. All three doctors nodded. "Great. Well Pepper, you stay here and if anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out across the street with the best Scotch this piss poor town can offer."

[alyssalenko]

Three Fandoms

Tagged by the amazing @amarmeme & @samfishers

Rules: Choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions, then tag 10 people you wanna know better 

Three Fandoms:

Uncharted

Mass Effect

Star Wars: The Old Republic

The first character you loved:

UNC: Nathan Drake. He was an absolute cutie patootie history buff, who somehow kept getting himself into the worst situations and had to rely on his brain to get out of it. And there’s nothing sexier than a man who uses his brain.

ME: Kaidan Alenko—He was so sweet, and never tried to push Shepard into anything…and those Biotics…*swoon*

SWTOR: My first ever playthrough I was a Jedi, so Doc has a special place in my heart, followed closely by Andronikos Revel because I kind of played my JK and my SI simultaneously. But they’re both rough around the edges, but deep down they’re big softies.

The character you never expected to love so much:

UNC: Sully. At first, I thought he was just a dirty old man (which he most definitely is), but he was funny and genuine in how much he cared about Nate, following him so that he could watch over him and be with him, even when he complained about being too old for the adventures.

ME: Dr. Chakwas. She’s always there for Shepard and Joker, and likes to let her hair down and relax occasionally, and it’s nice to see that travelling the galaxy and facing tough odds never get her down

SWTOR: Tallos Drellik. He’s the least intimidating companion, and so adorable when he says: “Imperial Reclamation Service, Lieutenant Tallos Drellik at your service.” Like honey, you’re running around with someone who can shoot lightning from their fingers and that’s the best you can come up with?

The character you relate to the most:

UNC: Nathan Drake all the snark and random doodling in     his journal, and getting into trouble with the things he says

ME: Joker—pretty sure we’ve both had part of our souls     removed to make room for all the sarcasm we use.

SWTOR: The Smuggler…she let’s her mouth run away with     her and says exactly what’s on her mind, and her main motivation is money     (because I like actually doing things and going out and money is needed)

The character you’d slap:

UNC: Harry Flynn—his betrayal made me rage, because I’d     been falling for him so hard

ME: Sha’ira I wish Shepard had the option to tell her     not to touch them—or slap her hand away or something

SWTOR: Doc. I love him so, so much but he did want to     create a disease, just so he could cure it

Three favorite characters:

UNC: Victor Goddamn Sullivan, Nate Drake, Elena Fisher

ME: Grunt—my big tank baby, Tali and her tech, and     Anderson

SWTOR: Dr. Lokin (because watching him transform into a     rakghoul and beat the ever-loving shit out of my enemies is glorious),     T7-M1 my cute little honorary Jedi, and Xalek because he thinks of the     inquisitor as his mother—I’m not crying, you are

A character you didn’t like at first but do now:

UNC: Chloe Frazier…it’s petty but she was a wedge     between Nate and Elena and I don’t like wedges, but she’s adorable and     funny

ME: Conrad Verner, he was far too obsessed with Shepard     for it to be healthy, but he came through when it counted

SWTOR: Grand Moff Kilran he may have been a pain in my     ass but he got shit done

Three OTPs:

UNC: Nathan Drake x Elena Fisher

ME: Kaidan Alenko x Femshep

SWTOR: Aric Jorgan x Trooper

I am tagging anyone who sees this and wants to join in the fun

[nosastrra]

𝑴𝑨𝒀 𝑨𝑳𝑳 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑷𝑹𝑬𝑻𝑻𝒀 𝑭𝑬𝑬𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑮𝑺 𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑻𝑶𝑵𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻

dr. rahna ozdemir [ the archetype ] | thirty-two

greatness was written in rahna’s genetics long before being written in the stars. she came into wealth and prosperity of a turkish legacy (some would say even almost royalty), and for as long as she’d known she’d felt the pressure to be /perfect/ it’s true what they say, though, that with the right amount of pressure she would blossom into a precious stone — and she did. 

it was during a benefactor tour of one of humanity’s newest colonies that rahna’s mother was exposed to eezo the first time. for the longest time, the ozdemirs held their breath for the worst, waited with baited fear for their little girl to develop a horrible disease but she never did. in fact, rahna never showed any biotic tendencies (to her parents’ knowledge — she worked hard to hide the small spurs that manifested so not to taint her parents’ image of her) until conatix officials had tracked her down with the news — eezo exposed human fetuses developed biotic powers. at first, her parents were reticent, set in their old ways of refusing the scientific endeavors,, until her older brother, an alliance navy corps now, finally swayed them.

rahna was scared — scared of the rejection of her community, her parents. her rock and her biggest supporter had been her brother, who was convinced no biotic powers would ever make his little sister a freak and she wanted to believe him. then she was scared to space fare so far away from home — gagarin station was not the furthest into space she’d been, but certainly the furthest away from her family. even when she felt so different from them, she still missed them. the swell of emotion was her only life raft as a teary-eyed rahna was sent into BAaT. 

BAat or as its cadets dubbed it — brain camp — was every bit as grueling as basic training for alliance recruits. drills were painful; it was hard to be expected to run when they could hardly walk with their biotics. even worse, and despite having travelled into space before, rahna had very little contact with nonhumans, so their drill commander — a hardened turian named vyrnnus — threatened to shatter rahna’s perfectly balanced pressure. her fear was assuaged by the warmth of her peers, especially a young kaidan alenko. rahna felt the love and protection of her class from all directions as they did their best to shield her from the harsh drills. 

rahna was never particularly gifted with biotics — even with her implant installed she never quite matched to her peers. drills drained her faster, she took longer to recover from the strain, and implant side effects manifested in tics and tremors that impaired her physical mnemonics required to control her biotics. being the runt of her class eventually caught up to her when vyrnnus broke her arm viciously when she reached for a glass of water rather than pull it biotically. in retaliation, and in her defense, kaidan exhibited a powerful biotic kick that killed vyrnnus, and shattered rahna’s affections for him.

after brain camp was shut down and rahna was sent back home - her winding road to recovery began, and remains to be an unending path even till now. she was trapped with an implant she didn’t want, a disability she struggled with, and memories she couldn’t scrub from her mind. however, the perfectly crafted pressure allowed rahna to hone her antagonistic conditions into a drive to understand and prevent the mistakes of BAaT to ever happen again. she dedicated her adult life to studying eezo and biotics in other species and applying the science to humans. secretly, she’s also working on a way to purge the human nervous system of the eezo infiltration, and effectively reversing biotics manifestation in humans — hopefully, permanently.

rahna is only briefly mention in mass effect canon - so her characterization and personality are purely my take on her, so she is very headcanon heavy. 

rahna now works as a biotics consultant and she’s a senior member of the systems alliance subparliamantary committee of transhuman studies. 

rahna was part of the motion to provide reparations for non-alliance L2 biotics which Chairman Burns vetoed. 

rahna is an alliance negotiator trained specifically to deal with L2 cultists. while not part of the force sent to negotiate with Major Kyle, she works with him to help the other L2’s.

during the attack on the citadel, rahna was aboard the Destiny Ascension. if the Ascension was not rescued by the alliance, rahna survives the crash by creating a biotic barrier and sealing herself off in a dysfunctional escape pod that never launched during the dreadnought’s destruction. she was recovered by alliance search and rescue two days later.

her faceclaim is melissa pamuk. 

verses will include timelines before, during, and after the games. 

i’m open to all ships and as usual, chemistry is cool, peeps.

headcanons can be found here.

[ j.nova shepard | kaidan alenko | aurora jett | bex jenkins ]

[cousinslavellan-archive]

A. Ryder Log #32

Nearly two years after arriving in Andromeda, the cure is complete.

Ellen Ryder wakes just in time to welcome a new member to the family.

I’M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG ARG. BUT TADA! I think everyone’s been waiting for this chapter so... meep!!! Enjoy?

Rydaal, Post-Game, Mentions of Pregnancy and Giving Birth. Also on AO3 under ‘The Misadventures of Aria Ryder’

"Pulse is steady. Breathing is regular. Showing normal brain function."

I would hear a doctor as I die... is that Harry?

It's been... she's not sure how long it's been, since she'd 'heard' anything, 'thought' anything... known anything but black.

Ellen wonders if this means her body has finally released her soul into whatever Afterlife might exist. It feels like it's taken far, far longer than it should - yet it had just been moments ago that she'd bid Alec farewell, since she'd insisted that he live on without her, look after the twins.

...it had just been moments ago, hadn't it? But if I'm dead, why...

"We don't have a lot of time here, Harry." that voice makes her thoughts scatter, like a warm breeze on a cool day, "Sis is finally about to pop. She needs Mom."

Scott. Scott, are you here? Where is here? Aren't I dead? And about to pop... Aria?! How long-

"No need to worry about that - I think she heard us." that is definitely Harry, he sounds too smug for it to be anyone else, "Good timing as always, Ellen."

"Mom? Can you hear me?"

Much as her eyes want to just pop open in shock, it's a much slower process; a weak flickering of her lids on the first attempt before she manages to pry them open on the second, vision hazy and blurred.

Ellen coughs, startled to find  her lungs still working, reaching for the tall blonde blob that can only be Scott, "Sc... Scott. I'm...?"

"You're alive, Mom." Scott's hands close tightly around hers, and she can hear the waver to his voice, "Welcome back."

She grips him back as her strength slowly comes back, blinking as her vision clears, "How?"

"Dad put you in stasis before your disease could get worse; he had you placed on the Hyperion without anyone knowing. Not even me or Aria. We're in Andromeda, Mom, and they found a cure. You're not sick anymore."

Her vision clears then and Ellen sucks in a breath, startled by the matured face in front of her, the young man that's clearly grown up while she was asleep. She notices a glimmer on his finger and can't help staring. "You're married?"

Scott's grin turns sheepish and ah, there's my boy. "I am. So is Aria. But we can talk about all of that later, now that we've got time. We've gotta go."

"You said she was about to pop," Ellen licks her lips, using her grip on Scott to lift herself into a sitting position, glad when the world only spins for a moment, "She's pregnant?"

"She is - and she's been in active labor for ten hours already. I'm hoping seeing you might somehow trigger an end to the waiting." Scott helps her swing her legs over the edge of the bed, ready to steady her, "I mean, we all kind of figured it would be a harder birth, since the father isn't human... please don't freak out."

Ellen pauses, processing that for a moment. "What species?"

"Angara - local to Andromeda. You haven't seen them yet. But Jaal is the best thing that's ever happened to Aria, Mom - and he'd die before he'd let anything happen to her or their baby."

"Relax, Scott; if you'll recall, I've never been a xenophobe," Ellen thinks briefly back to Shepard and wonders, curiously, if the Spectre's own interspecies relationship had influenced Aria's tastes, "So long as she is happy and loved, I'm happy. Now help your mother up."

Wonder of wonders, her legs don't immediately buckle when Scott carefully pulls her to her feet, though she's grateful for the support as they make their way slowly out of the medbay.

"There's a bit of a crowd outside Aria's suite - the Tempest Crew wants to be there for their Pathfinder, after all - and Jaal's mother Sahuna is here, to, helping out-"

Ellen's heart stutters. "Pathfinder?"

"Oh. You don't-" Scott trails off, seems to think, before giving her an almost pleading look, "We'll explain everything later, Mom, okay? Everything. We should focus on Aria for now."

"Alright. Lead on."

They round a corner and the aforementioned crowd comes into sight - a gaggle of every species she knows and a few she doesn't.

Two turian females stand with an asari, a Salarian, and two humans to the right of the door, a rather wound-up looking Krogan pacing behind them.

To the left of the door sits a blonde woman Ellen vaguely recognizes as Alec's second, Cora - holding a toddler of an unfamiliar race in her lap, an older child of the same species standing to one side of her and a turian child on the other.

"That's Vetra and Sidera, Kallo, Peebee, Liam and Suvi - and the krogan is Drack. He's kind of the cranky, overprotective grandpa of the group." Scott whispers, pointing at each in turn. "You've met Cora, I think - the one of her lap is Sayren, and the girl is Tela - they're Angara. The Turian is Adrian; Sayren and Adrian are Aria and Jaal's adopted boys, Tela is Jaal's niece."

Ellen glances over the kids - catches them asking Cora if their mom's okay, when they can see her, will the baby like them? - and immediately loves them. So long as they can accept a surprise grandmother.

"Ellen!" Cora spots them then, face lighting up, though she stays seated due to the position of the children, "I'm relieved to see you're alright. Perfect timing, really; Lexi just said she's finally getting proper contractions, shouldn't be long now."

Ellen catches the fond looks between the two, the ring on Cora's finger that matches Scott's, and she smiles, resolving to grill them about it later.

"I can manage from here, Scott." she says, taking a purposeful step away from him and towards the doors, proud of how steady she seems, "Later, we need to talk."

"Promise." Scott replies, grin wide as she's ever seen it.

Ellen returns the look before resolutely reaching for the pad to open the door, stepping inside and feeling suddenly overwhelmed as the door slides shut behind her.

An Asari dressed in Initiative medical gear flits around the bed, taking measurements and checking readouts, clearly trying to be prepared for any scenario.

An Angaran woman sits on one side of the bed - Sahuna, she remembers Scott mentioning - but her attention falls on the male Angara standing to the left, and her first thoughts are tall, strong, broader then a human, different physical structure-

Then she notes his expression - a startling mix of awe and fear, love and worry, happiness and anxiety - and her analysis changes to caring, loving, the exact opposite of Alec in showing emotion. Good.

Her attention is on Aria the moment she makes a sound - a pained cry, familiar from Ellen's own pregnancy - and though she's startled by how she's grown, it's still her daughter lying there, gritting her teeth through the pain and only letting the occasional grunts slip past, her typical stubborn Aria.

"Mom?"

Aria's eyes are on hers suddenly, surprised but happy, and Ellen feels warmth bloom in her chest as she moves closer, knowing the others are now looking at her as well.

"I'm here, sweetheart," Sahuna moves back and Ellen takes her place with a grateful nod, giving Aria's hand a tight squeeze and leaning over to kiss her forehead, "You can do this, Aria. You're so close, sweetheart."

Introductions can come later; all that matters right now is helping her daughter through this moment.

Aria goes to say something and cuts off with a cry, eyes slamming shut and hand clenching down around Ellen's.

Lexi - she thinks that was the doctors name - is immediately at the edge of the bed and lifting the sheet they'd draped over Aria's legs, eyes lighting up, "Ryder, it's time! Push!"

Time passes swiftly, then; encouragements coming from everyone in the room, cries from Aria as she pushes, Lexi ready between her legs.

The doctor gives on final command to push and then reaches forward to cradle the baby, still hidden beneath the sheet but clearly healthy going by the wail that pierces the air.

Aria slumps back into the pillows, panting, and Jaal is bending to whisper to her, crooning quiet words and nuzzling her cheek, and the clear affection between them warms Ellen's heart.

"You did it, sweetheart." she says, squeezing her daughters hand, "Now, it's time to rest."

 Several hours later finds Ellen sitting in an armchair with her granddaughter cradled to her chest, rocking carefully back and forth. It's been years since she's held a baby, but the instinct is still there, and so far the baby seems content.

Everyone had been in to visit once Aria had been cleaned up and tucked properly into bed, the baby checked over and declared healthy.

Scott had drawn Ellen aside while the crew occupied Aria, and he and Cora had gone over everything that had happened since she'd been put in stasis.

Alec was dead. And while she'd said her goodbyes long ago, to now be here, alive, without him, felt... wrong.

But if he hadn't, Aria would be dead. she sighs, grip on the baby tightening just a little, And you, little one, wouldn't exist.

Alec had made the right choice, and she wished her love peace - something he deserved, more than anyone

Now, the visitors have left, and Aria had slipped into a well deserved sleep not long after. Ellen had been introduced to Sahuna and Tela - and already she enjoyed the Angaran woman's company, and knowing her daughter had had a mother-in-law like her to help made her feel better - and to Adrian and Sayren.

Both were a little shy, but she hoped in time they would warm up to her.

And I get to be here from day one for you, little Senri.

Aria had announced the name once everyone was in the room; Senri Ryder Ama Darav, the first human-Angaran hybrid.

Ellen draws the blanket back a little, tracing a gentle finger over the babies features.

At first glance, Senri looked mostly human; her face, head, and body were humanoid, skin a similar tone to her mother's, ears normal, and the tiniest trace of red fuzz peeking through.

But there were ridges on the back of her head, her middle and index fingers were merged on each hand, and it was already clear that her ribcage would be stronger then a humans, more visible now as a baby. The back and top of her head were coloured like her fathers, ending in a sort of pattern just above her brow, and there were spatters of coloured skin along her collarbones and shoulders, down her arms and legs, some on her chest.

Perhaps the most startling feature, should you happen to miss the others, were her eyes; black and blue like her fathers, only the shape resembling a humans. Beautiful and unique.

Those big blue eyes blink up at her now, Senri yawning widely and squirming to get comfortable before settling down once more, content in the warmth of her blanket.

"So many opportunities ahead of you, little one," Ellen whispers, vaguely noticing the sound of the door opening, "And from what I can tell, so many people already love you."

"She's going to be spoiled." a rumbling voice agreed, and then Jaal was in front of her, smiling cautiously, holding out a mug.

"Thank you, Jaal." Ellen accepts the mug carefully, inhaling the scent of coffee greedily, careful to keep it out of the way as she passes the baby to her father, "Such a calm baby, for now. Hopefully she'll stay calm."

"We will figure it out." he says, and she likes him all the more. Such an interesting son-in-law, she's found herself with.

Jaal rocks the baby as he walks, and Ellen wonders how many siblings he has; he's an old pro, clearly comfortable handling a child, and that speaks worlds of his upbringing.

Senri fusses, making a grumpy noise, and Jaal chuckles, "Are you hungry, little one? Let's wake mama up, shall we?"

The baby gurgles as if in agreement, and Ellen smiles, quietly excusing herself as Jaal settles on the edge of the bed, listening to the gentle murmuring as Aria wakes before the door closes behind her.

Let them have some family time. We have all the time in the world, now. Ellen tilts her head back and closes her eyes, smiling, a single tear escaping. Thank you, Alec. I love you. And I will protect our family, now. It's your time to rest.

[fictionmania]

To Breathe is to Feel

Hello hello. Here is a little drabble to get back into the spirit of writing and try to flesh out a neutral (as neutral as one can make a changeable character) Sara Ryder. 

I took the liberty of changing some slight ME information. I know that Shepard wasn’t exactly the glorified hero who was paraded around after ME1 as I may have made it seem, but I took some inspiration off of this link:  https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AWz8nYAQy6IFtR7xEd-Hw6X8eRN5oocbjI9rVtbwEmKRjFTm2spO2sU/ 

It works within the timeline as well, since ME1 ends in 2183 CE and the launch of Andromeda Initiative isn’t until 2185 CE. 

Either way, enjoy!

              The first-time oxygen struggled to find its way into the lungs of the eldest twin, Sara Ryder, was the night the entirety of her world came crashing down around her. Her mother, her beautiful, doting, outgoing, and ingenious mother, was sick. AEND, an acronym that hardly made sense to her still maturing brain, bounced around repeatedly in an attempt to recall some knowledge of what the disease was.

              In the moment, she could not. Her focus was waning and all she could think of was the grim expression that stayed hidden behind the masks her parents wore. Their smiles may have been there, soft and reassuring in the best way one can when delivering such news, but their eyes held all their fears. Sara could not, for the life of her, recall what AEND stood for. Instead, she felt the searing pain in her throat, the tortuous squeeze around her heart, and the stinging behind her eyes as she stared blankly ahead.

              “I understand.” The words tumbled out from too stiff lips in a whispered tone, choked out into the deafening silence. A moment later, that silence shattered; a wail of pure terror and pain piercing the air.

              It had never hurt to breathe before.

              The next notable time Sara could recall struggling to maintain her automatic rhythm of intaking air was when she and Scott were glued to the place they stood. Their arms bent in the proudest salute they could express. Their backs were as straight as either of them could manage. Their smiles, the pride they felt in their fellow human for the honor being bestowed upon the savior, were just barely masked by their composed disposition; being the children of Alec Ryder had taught them some emotional control at least.

Today they were amongst the crowd of Alliance soldiers, civilians, passer-byers, and the like who had gathered to see the Shepard-Commander return a war-hero. Seeing the impossible-to-compare-or-compete-with hero in the flesh had taken the breath of Sara away. In the moment, with the sun shining down on the stone-faced hero, Sara knew that she, too, wanted to blaze a path into the earth she treaded on reminiscent of Shepard’s but one still very much her own.

It was only the crack in Scott’s composed face, the twitch of his lips, that let her breathe the sigh she had been holding back. They would blaze a path together, surely.

As she boarded the Ark Hyperion, Sara realized that the burning in her chest, the tightening in her throat, washed away as she stared out at the world she was leaving behind. The feeling was not from nerves, like she had hoped, but had been constantly present in her life for the past few months she now realized. It was only with the knowledge that she was leaving everything behind that she came to terms with why she had felt like she was constantly under water lately.

Ellen Ryder had passed away. The family was broken; a mother gone. Alec Ryder had become distant, secluded and too worried about his work to love his children. A father detached and built a wall to protect his mending heart. Anxiety and depression lurked in the wisps of her shadow. They followed her and were always present. They had formed in such a way that it became a layer of the things that made her, her. Another chip in her Milky Way armor, she supposed. Another chip in her armor she was leaving behind.

Things were different now, however. She, Scott, and their father were leaving the tragedy-ridden life six-hundred years behind them. When they woke up in Andromeda they would still feel the lingering touches of the lives they left behind, but they would have nowhere to go but forward. Perhaps they could smile again together again.

Taking a deep breath of the fresh air in, Sara absentmindedly rubbed her chest before she pivoted on her heels and walked with pride guiding her stride. She would speak with her family before they were set in stasis.

Scott wasn’t waking up with her. Scott wasn’t going to explore their new home together with her. Scott wasn’t going on the first expedition to Habitat 7 with her. Scott wasn’t waking up.

The medical professionals assured her he would survive, and she nodded. There was nothing else she could do. Suiting up felt like a chore and her fogged filled mind raced back to the life they had just escaped; did they even escape it or had tragedy followed them here as well? Surely Andromeda would offer hope, not sorrow.

As the man, Liam, spoke to her as they descended, one thought echoed loudly in the frightening space of her mind: breathe. All she had to do was breathe and she would make it back to the Hyperion with everyone, and new information, in tow.

Pain. Burning hot pain. The familiar sting of tears. The sound of her heartbeat thundering in her ears. No way to breathe. My helmet, she absently thought as she clawed at her throat for betraying her. It had always, even in the worst of times, allowed her some relief. It allowed her some chance at life. But now? She felt as if she a fire had started in her chest and was spreading madly.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

And then there was her father. What he said was lost to her, but the look on his face was unmistakable. There was nothing good would come from this. Somewhere, some bitter part of her mind cackled in a delirious state. So, tragedy did follow her here as well.

As his helmet took the place of hers, she gasped in as much of the gas she had been lacking. Lungs filled, depleted, filled, depleted. Over and over she greedily sucked down what her body needed most. Soon, though, a new pain took hold of her and black dots started to form in her vision. Tears spilled and her chest felt as if it was going to collapse just like her body had seconds ago.

But how will he breathe?

                The N7 helmet in her hand slipped between her fingers and clattered onto the floor of his—no, they were hers now—quarters. Her father, the man who steeled his heart after the loss of his wife and pushed his children away, had spared her from an untimely death. The thought alone surfaced so many emotions that all she could do was choke out a sob, clenching and unclenching her fist to try and steady herself.

              Sliding back onto the too large bed, Sara rolled over to stare at his enclosed case of memorabilia. Was her life even worth saving? He had been the pathfinder who was needed to lead thousands of people and he left it all to her. He had been an N7 officer. He had been the one who created SAM. He had accomplished so much that his death seemed so pitiable.

              She may not have suffocated out there, but surely it was a better death than suffocating under the weight shoved onto her shoulders in exchange for life. It was better than suffocating from the guilt, she knew, for sure.

                Unfocused eyes were trained below her towards the research room of the Tempest. Her crew was fluttering about, joking and working all at once and she was perched in the meeting room overhead. People, in relatively good dispositions, were here for her. They were under her command, following her to save the Andromeda Galaxy. A twenty-two-year-old, a six-hundred-year-old woman if some wanted to be technical, was the leading these people to, quite possibly, their deaths.

              Was this really the best the Nexus could do for these people? Was she really all they had to throw at the wall and see if anything stuck? She had to be, she supposed. There was no rescue team, no big Plan B. She was the last hope to make sure thousands upon thousands of people and aliens did not perish. She was what she had always hoped to be, a Shepard of her own breeding; trial by fire wasn’t exactly how she envisioned this moment, though, and currently, she hadn’t earned the title of a hero.

              With a shaky breath, her fingers squeeze around the bar as her eyes fell shut

              Breathe.

              You are capable of doing this.

              Breathe.

              Your father did not die so you can falter.

              Breathe.

              When she opened her eyes, they caught sight of the alien man who had made the armory his home. His eyes spoke of his concern, but his features twisted into a smile at the sight of her. The breath she had taken stayed trapped in her throat and the all too familiar burn came rushing back to her. With darkened cheeks, she gave him a curt nod and slipped away to head down the set of steps furthest from him. As she took them two at a time, slipped past the questioning crew members, and disappeared down the ladder to her quarters, one loud thought thundered and shook her to her core: breathe.

[bioticfox]

Prompts

I have a ton of unused prompts, so if anyone wants to use these for the @mebigbang as inspiration, then please feel free :3 I also have a prompt tag of various things I’ve seen around tumblr that have inspired me but that haven’t necessarily made it into a fic (if it is someone else’s fic idea please ask permission, they may have already written a fic themselves).

I know most of these are short prompts, but if they are useful for a specific scene or section, please go ahead. Also if anyone wants a more detailed longfic prompt for a specific ship, let me know. I love coming up with them ^^

1) I would especially love a fic containing scenes based on this graphic (here) that had the following small prompt attached:

Kaidan and some characters I really wish we could’ve seen him interact more with.

James: They go from being all “So hey, how do you know Shepard?” like awkward guests at a wedding to being snarky poker buddies. I want to see the in between please god (bonus points if you can fit this into a mShenga fic)

Jack: Two of the most powerful human biotics being awesome together. I want this too.

Miranda: One line - “Well hey Major, I can see why Shepard likes you, your butt is almost as perfect as mine”

2) These are the prompts I gave for the ficswap last year which weren’t used. If someone can make use of them now, please do so.

A fic containing one or more of the following:

Shepard giving up on the fish and Kaidan introducing him to gardening or meditation or something instead 

Angst featuring a surprise appearance of a rubber duck 

Ash's funeral 

Vega's POV when first settling into the Normandy and getting to know the crew 

Liara observing Shepard's interactions with crew members 

On a mission with EDI where she sees other AIs treated badly 

Kaidan + Shepard's first kiss 

Joker’s progress from disliking EDI to realising he loves EDI

Kaidan realising he loves Shepard 

Tali being rejected by Shepard and talking to Garrus about it 

3) Firefly AU. That is all.

4) How would biotics affect things in a zombie universe? Tastier brains? 

What if the eezo exposure somehow made them immune. If human biotics are currently disliked, will immunity now change them to be the top of the social pyramid? Or will they even more hated as they could be carrying the disease without being infected themselves...?

5) (Andromeda spoilers under the cut)

 A fic containing one or more of the following:

Everyone pre-mea and their hopes/wishes for the new galaxy vs their opinions when they arrive and develop through the game 

Reyes on the run up to the High Noon encounter. Perhaps his POV on every mission he has the pathfinder undertake? Bonus points for a Reyes x Scott romance.

Jaal’s POV on every squadmate/romance option/crewmember and how this changes as he gets to know them.

Ryder trying out every activity on Lexi’s list 

Ryder pestering the crew to try out every activity on Lexi’s list 

Peebee and Kalinda backstory. How they met, how they fell in love, their adventures, how they fell out of love and how this affected Peebee.

Drack raising Kesh

[donnagcosby]

Hey Y’all! How’s life?! No… Really… How’s life, if you can read this I want to know. I’m turning 29 & per usual it’s time for my annual blog post. I know I missed last year that’s honestly because 28 was hard, like REALLY HARD. I thought I was going to lose my shit at 27 & didn’t I lost it at 28 instead. I had just moved back home to little oh Stratford, America. I felt like a failure because only people could see me as a failure not because I was one. I had just left 3 months of homelessness in Arkansas only a handful of people knew that. Only a handful of people will read this & maybe understand why I was so jaded when I came back to Oklahoma from Arkansas. I didn’t leave my house from October until around my birthday time in March in 2018 & that’s when all the things I had avoided for 6 months hit me, when I turned 28. I had just turned my back to all the hurt, all I knew I was living back with mom & dad, with grandma & grandpa next door & for the first time in those 3 lonely months I didn’t feel like I was going to get hurt or abandoned. So that’s to make up for my lack of not posting on my 28th birthday but we’re past that now YAY!!! (Side Note: the best thing that happened to me in my 28th year was gaining a precious addition to my family, my child the one, the only Bella Rea. She’s the best thing to happen to me, mainly because I have to grow up to take care of her, dogs are a lot of work. Especially when yours is the highest energy breed on the planet {Miniature Australian Shepard, Blue Heeler}. So now onto 29; guys, gals, friends and strangers HELLO, my name is Donna Gale Cosby and I’m not scared to be one year closer to thirty. Fuck the 20’s to be quite honest bring them 30’s on! I thought I’d be terrified to almost be 30 but instead I’m really excited! I’m changing a lot in my life currently. For anyone who knows me I’ve always been very earth conscious, I mean ask the people who have ridden in my car when I come to an immediate stop to make them pick up the trash they threw out the window or my brother who I had the honor of living with singly on my recycling obsession. I’m extremely proud of myself for wanting to take care of the home God has given us. Maybe it’s the farmer’s daughter in me, maybe it’s the granola, hippie, crunchy in me whatever of those words you use to describe me I won’t be offended people often think those words hurt they don’t one bit they actually bring me pure joy. I feel like every time I write this yearly post, I make a reference how I feel the call to write and blog more often and most of the time I don’t. I’m going to try and get a blog in once a month this year, I feel that’s a reasonable goal, that’s one huge thing about my age, my goals are becoming most realistic. I’ve always been a talk aloud over achiever. I want to stop that this year, I want to silently journal those this year and only speak out loud to a few people my crazy big unrealistic dreams. I want to find my select few of people just like Jesus did and stick to telling them all the things that run through my crazy brain. I want to be more intentional with my relationships because the older I get the further my best of friends get away. I have 2 absolute been with me thick and thin best friends. One lives in Georgia the other in Montana, those ladies know the complete full and absolutely ridiculous Donna Gale. I love you both shout out!!! I have another circle of friends, friends that have been with me for awhile too, I’m not discounting you by any means, just know my Merideth Grey and Cristina Yang relationship is with 2 gals and I can’t help that. Things I’m already doing that I’d like to continue doing this year would be recycling, learning to be more frugal, becoming and embracing my minimalistic lifestyle more and more. I want to continue being the old lady I’ve been the past month getting up between 5 & 6 to watch the morning news, I like knowing what’s going on around me! Things I want to start doing better are going to the gym or just working out in someway more in anyway possible, I want fit Donna back ASAP, but I have to be realistic and realize she’s gonna take a couple of months. I also want to journal better, I want to write down my everyday life and embrace it. Say what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I have extreme depression and finding the root to that is something I want to learn. I want to be more earth conscious, I want to see ways I can be better, I want to inform more people how they can come alongside this journey with me and make it less difficult for them no matter where they are in life. I want to continue living my gluten free lifestyle with passion, getting back to cooking has been hard to me after the diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis and the unclear but very clear to me diagnosis of celiac disease. I’m an old lady and I’m proud! I have to take care of myself. I want to bake, cook, and juice to my heart’s desire. Yes, I love juicing thank you Arkansas for the found love of the taste of chard and beets! I could write a whole blog dedicating it to Arkansas learnings and loves. I would encourage anyone to get out of your comfort zone and move to a place where you know no one and embrace what it will teach you. Just don’t go homeless in the process, that’s not fun, you learn A LOT but it’s definitely not the greatest time of your life. I want to continue drinking enough water. I most importantly want to get CRAZY OILY, for anyone who’s been following me on social media lately you know I’ve stepped into the Young Living with arms wide open and a heart wide open ready to learn. This isn’t a fad that will last a couple of months, this is something on my earth awareness list that makes me a true believer even more in natural medicine. My goal is to get off medicine completely, but I feel that would be truly unrealistic due to all my conditions with bi-polar disorder. YES, let’s talk mental health, I am an advocate because I have it. If you ever want to talk mental health hit a sister up, I’m totally down for it all. I visit and psychologist and I love him. He helps me appreciate who I am as a person. I see a counselor, it makes me feel like I’m helping myself not that I’m a failure. You’re not a failure for asking for help. I feel there are two things I could go on and on about that’s mental health and physical health. They’re my passion. I’m passionate for people and people deal with these issues EVERYDAY. I want to be for the people, like guys I’m running for President or something. Speaking of running for President get registered to vote and go vote! You have a voice, you are being heard, even if it’s just by one person, even if that one person could be me. I want you to know you are loved and you are worthy, and everything is going to be okay. One thing about my “blogging” is it’s random and all over the place, I don’t necessarily stick to one topic or idea, this is just how my brain works sorry not sorry. Another thing I want to accomplish in this upcoming year is getting out of debt, man one thing I don’t like talking is money because I’m bad at it, like REALLY bad at it. Thankfully I have people on my team that are not. That’s what I would encourage you all to do, make up your team, your squad and let them all be different and talented in every way. We all need people, no matter what. Don’t try and do it all alone that’s first no fun and extremely difficult. 29 will include making up my A team, I already have a pretty good lineup, I have a few starters but I want more. I want to make it to the playoffs, I want to win this championship. I want to walk across the finishing line of 29 knowing I put in all the effort for 30 to rock my socks off. I love you.

[brainfoodgp]

Fall/2018

“What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action.”

- Meister Eckehart-

It is still hard for me to believe that when I sat down to start writing this fall issues there was snow falling outside my window and NY would be accumulating its first 6 inches of the season…and that was just in the city! I would have loved to have taken a snow day, however, as my never ending and hectic schedule wouldn’t allow. I was out starting yet another new project. I will say, as we wrap up the celebration of Brain Food Garden Project’s first 5 years that the journey has been incredibly sweet so far. I think this month’s quote by Meister Eckehart speaks volumes as to how I’m feeling right now about this extraordinary adventure I’ve been on.

I am looking so forward to a few weeks of downtime starting in December and practicing some much needed self-care before kicking off what is already promising to be an equally busy 2019. This issue feels as jam packed as my schedule but it has been a pleasure putting it together for all of you. First up, the BFGP Feature is all about the new BFGP/Simon Says Laugh produced The Candor Report podcast. I can’t believe that as of this writing my co-host Sharon Simon and I are two episodes away from finishing our premiere 6. I’ve written my second Community piece on the recent Q&A I was fortunate to be a part of at Community Healthcare Networks 1st  Integrative Medicine & Community Nutrition Symposium. The 2nd Annual Resist Through Giving is back with five new suggestions of worthwhile organizations to donate to over this yuletide. What I’m Reading is a favorite new cookbook that you may just want to put under the tree this holiday season for a loved one or even possibly yourself! And speaking of cookbooks, to wrap things up with a nice little holiday bow in our Healthy & Delicious Recipes, Chef Annette Tomei presents one of her wonderful recipes that will be debuting Summer 2019 in our new Brain Food Garden Project cookbook 33 Delicious Recipes for the Brain. A perfect salad to start off your holiday feast, take to your office potluck, or simply make for yourself with a nice glass of dry German Riesling after a long day of shopping.

As always Brain Food Garden Project’s partners and I wish all of you and your families a joyful holiday season and a very healthy and happy New Year!

BFGP Feature:

When you “plant in the soil of contemplation,” much like when you plant actual seeds, you are never sure what may germinate or not and what ideas may fully grow to be harvested or whither on the vine. When the seed of an idea does grow and bear fruit and with such divinely tasty results. You must take a few seconds to pat yourself on the back for a job well done. The Candor Report podcast has been one of those juicy projects where all of the elements aligned. From finding the perfect partner and co-host in comedian and mental health advocate Sharon Simon. To locating the perfect studio and support team in The Comic Strip Live and Sound Engineer Adam Hiniker. To having a roster of amazing first guests to kick off the premiere of our first 6 episodes. Celia Brown, Hillary Lindsay, Chef Annette Tomei, Claire Hartten, Melissa Olson, Erica Christensen, Lyle Schmerz, and Heather Carlucci.

The topics for our first shows have received supportive and positive feedback from our audience and many peers have reached out to ask when the show will return in 2019. Sharon and I will be looking for sponsorship in the new year and possibly even a podcast broadcast station we will be able to call home. We already have some amazing conversations started regarding interest in developing our show further and taking it to the next level. With that expansion in mind we have added podcast platforms giving our growing audience more streaming options. Now, besides the Brain Food Garden Project website. You can locate TCR’s podcast on SoundCloud, Apple, Stitcher Smart Radio, Spotify, and Google Play. You can also continue the candid conversation with Sharon and me on our Facebook page by clicking here.

I am looking forward to bringing new shows and content to this exciting Brain Food Garden Project platform in 2019. If you haven’t had the chance to check out our first podcasts click here.

Community:

I am out in the field a lot networking and promoting Brain Food Garden Project’s mission. Whenever I attend a conference, symposium or Q&A. I always make it a point when thanking the organizer’s and those speaking to point out the importance of including the peer voice, those of us with lived experience to these important conversations about mental and physical health as well a food justice issues. It is always nice to know that people are listening. As was recently demonstrated when I was invited to speak by Community Healthcare Networks planners for the 1st Annual Integrative Medicine &Community Nutrition Symposium. I sat on a Q&A panel titled: Expanded Food & Nutrition Education Programs to create Healthier Communities. I was not only honored, but I was also aware that the audience, mostly clinicians, was an audience I very much as a mental health peer advocate wanted to reach.

The speakers throughout the day were selected to expand the minds of and provide clinicians with the tools to integrate mindfulness and nutritional forms of healing into their heavily western medicine/medical model perspective. And what an exciting day of substantive talks it was. From Minding the Mind: Cultivating Resilience with Mind-Body Medicine to prevent Medical Provider Burnout with Pooja Amy Shah, MD. To Corbin Hill Food Project’s Erica Christensen providing alternative models to improve a communities health and how to start a vegetable share program. There were a total of 8 programs throughout the day that started a 9am and concluded sharply at 1pm. It is my hope that next year the talks can be recorded so that the brilliant programing might be able to reach a wider audience.

The panel that I sat on was a Q&A panel highlighting exemplary food and nutrition programs in NYC. CHN’s Director of Nutrition Melissa Olson asked superb questions that opened up an informed conversation between myself and panelists Natasha Ashley of Cornell University Cooperative Extension and Anna Rickards of Community Healthcare Network. It was a well executed day of events and I hope that its success will provide the impetus for more of these thought provoking symposiums in years to come.

What I’m Reading:

It is a fact that I am currently co-writing my own cookbook 33 Delicious Recipes for the Brain with the phenomenal Chef Annette Tomei who is developing the books brain enhancing and mouth watering recipes. So it isn’t what I’ve been reading lately as much as it’s been what cookbook I’ve been cooking out of and seeking inspiration from. And all of you are in for a treat with Cristina Ferrare’s newest cookbook Food for Thought: Recipes for Ultimate Mind and Body Health. The book with a forward from Maria Shriver builds off their work together and successful “Food for Thought” Facebook Live series. Offering the latest research findings and guidance on how our food choices now can positively or adversely affect our chances of getting dementia and Alzheimer’s disease later in life. The recipes are crafted beautifully and are easy to make. A wonderful addition to the cookbook aficionado in your life’s collection. Tis the season!

Resist Through Giving:

This is the time of year that I love the most, because ask anyone that knows me, and they’ll tell you I do love giving gifts! All of those family members that I no longer speak to that voted for “He who shall not be named,” (yes, a Harry Potter reference surprise, surprise! check out number 4 of my resist through giving selections). I do enjoy making small donations in their names for the resistance! Last year the donation was to the Southern Poverty Law Center and this year it will be to the ACLU. I do what I can to tip the scales from fascist hate to kindness and what better way during this festive time of year than to select a few good causes fighting the good fight. These are the five organizations that will be receiving my end of year donations. If you happen to also be looking for some excellent opportunities for this year’s #GivingTuesday on November 27th I hope you’ll consider BFGP’s favorites. Oh, and if you’re wondering what I want for Winter Solstice this year, I already got it! That Great Hall in Washington just got a change of colors. Thank you America for turning at least one of the houses of congress blue. I applaud you!!

 1.)  ACLU- really if you need ask why giving to this historic organization is a no brainer. Than Mr. & Mrs. Ostrich pull your head out of that hole in the sand. To donate click here.

2.) The Matthew Shepard Fund- Hate crimes are up in America and many of my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community are considered fair game to these warped acolytes of nationalistic fervor and hate. Matthew has always been a continuing reminder for me that I will fight with every breath in my body NOT TO GO BACK. To donate click here.

3.) Native Planet- Their mission to preserve culture and to empower native peoples is just what I need to spend a little money on. From the good old U.S.A. to Columbia, Peru and Brazil Indigenous peoples are still treated despicably and the genocide continues. I refuse to stand by and watch it happen. To donate click here.

4.) Harry Potter Alliance- From putting books in to our library’s and kids hands to creating the next generation of grassroots activists. Donating even $5 to this worthwhile organization will surely provide you with a good enough thought to cast the most powerful Patronus ever. Watch out Dementors! To donate click here.

5.) Corbin Hill Food Project- Simply because we need as many organizations out there as possible working to insure everyone has the opportunity to access affordable, healthy fresh food, period. To donate click here.

Healthy & Delicious Recipes:

Happy Holiday’s from Brain Food Garden Project! This recipe created by Chef Annette Tomei is from our upcoming cookbook 33 Delicious Recipes for the Brain

 “This salad is a modern restaurant classic that can also be made with raw shaved artichoke hearts (if you’re feeling adventurous). What would often be made with a complicated multi-step lemon oil is made home-friendly with a simple lemony dressing that just takes a couple minutes to put together! This nutty, crunchy, tangy-creamy salad is a great way to enjoy Brussels sprouts, and will make a fan of even the most finicky eater!”

-Chef Tomei-

 Shaved Brussels Sprouts Salad

Yields 2 portions

 Ingredients:

 12 Brussels sprouts, whole, medium

1/2-teaspoon salt

1/4 cup almond slivers

1 Lemon: zest and juice

1-tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Freshly ground pepper, to taste

 Instructions:

 Clean the Brussels sprouts then cut them very thin or shave them on a mandolin, or single-blade side of a box grater.

In a medium bowl, toss the shaved Brussels sprouts with salt and gently rub them together (this will soften the texture and give flavor).

Lightly toast the almond slivers to pale golden brown. This can be done in a dry skillet on the stovetop over medium heat for approximately 2-4 minutes, or in a toaster oven for 3-5 minutes. Be careful not to burn them, they will toast quickly.

Add the almonds to the Brussels sprouts.

Zest the lemon with a rasp grater or the smallest side of a box grater.

Juice the lemon and remove any seeds.

In a jar or container with a tight fitting lid, place the zest, juice, olive oil, and a pinch of salt. Shake well.

Pour the dressing over the Brussels sprouts and almonds. Add half of the grated Parmesan cheese. Mix well.

Serve the salad with the remaining Parmesan cheese sprinkled on top.

[spookyvalentine]

shepard is just so hunky

have mercy i mean really