#in like the grand scheme of the system that decides when something is a spirit & it's a demon

[autisticcole]

Heheheheheho I have gotten some of the Dragon Age books (🏴‍☠️) and this is gonna really let me dig into some stuff, especially my favorite guy Cole, cause now I can read his OG appearance, I want to see how much stuff Cole says, especially during his quest actually makes sense, and how much is in-universe "both sides are right"ing about not listening to what Cole wants to do.

I am mainly talking about Spirit!Cole thanking Inky for not making him change... Despite the fact that thoughout Cole's quest Solas ignores what Cole wants (Like being binded) & wants to do (Kill the guy who beat beyond beating a 12 (at most) year old (most likely, it isn't outright stated (to my memory) the Templar who fucked up the paperwork was also one of the ones who physically abused him, but I feel it's a pretty safe assumption) & got that child killed due to neglect & faced no consequences) but ultimately the choice that causes Cole to thank the player for not changing him is the one where you listen to Solas over Cole (Or well Varric, who also doesn't let Cole do what he wants but is closer to what Cole would have done if he had went alone for the confrontation) & in this route I would say Cole's character changes a lot more, especially as he forgets the original Cole, which... Rubs me wrong, but I'll save my more detailed thoughts for 1. After I fully read Asunder & 2. Either a full Cole analysis or a detailed post about my thoughts on his quest & routes (& maybe how I'd rewrite them, as a Autistic person & a ally to the aroace community)

Anyways my point is that I want to see how true it is characters rejected or wanted to change Cole, I want to see what leads him to feel that having two men argue & tell him who he is supposed to be & do only to have a third person decide out of those two's options for what he should do is remotely a situation where he's been accepted.

[sunnyskies281]

As a cult survivor I have a lot of thoughts about Nahyuta.

Disclaimer: The cult I was in was not that bad in the grand scheme of things. I’m not fully through Spirit of Justice, but there will be some spoilers.

People say Nahyuta is boring but as someone who’s been in a cult I have to say that’s the furthest from the truth if you just take a moment and look at who he is and how he acts.

Khurainism is a religion. The Ga’ran regime is a cult.

Nahyuta used to be part of the Defiant Dragons. He used to be passionately fighting against the oppressive regime in Khura’in, but then something changed.

He was basically brainwashed by this cult into believing that everyone else is a lowly half-wit or the like that’s destined to rot in hell for eternity when they die, even his own family. Something cults do sometimes is try to turn you against the world, make you not trust it and see every opposition as further proof you are in the right. In this instance, it’s even gotten so far as to say that any insult against Nahyuta, the Ga’ran regime, the justice system, or anything like that is heresy against Khurainism. He’s been isolated from everyone, including his family. He refuses to acknowledge his relation to Apollo. He turned against his own father despite previously also being a rebel. He’s an absolute cunt to everyone and everything that opposes him. But it’s not his fault he’s like this, he was conditioned to be this way by a religious cult that wants total control over everything.

I want to talk to him. I want to tell him that there’s more out there than what’s in his little bubble. I want to help him realize he can ask for help. I want him to think about his relationship with the Holy Mother, and if his current way of doing things is truly what she would have wanted. I want him to know that his religion is being used against him to make him be someone other than who he really is. I want him to know that when he decides to leave, that there are people out there who love him and will accept him with open arms. I want him to figure out who he is outside of the cult of Ga’ran. I want to give him a hug.

Nahyuta isn’t boring. He’s just being brainwashed by a cult.

[black--sun]

@deathblizzard || from here

“Fine. I won’t pop by your new classes.” Rukia frowns at the outright block to her entertaining thought. Even still, with her arms crossed, her strategist’s cogs are already turning and she’s decided to indulge it to the point of pushing him further. Quickly, she swaps from crossing her arms to crossing her legs as she goes from joking to outright pitching said idea, switching hats from jester to director. There was nothing more an old competent thief delighted in more than plotting out her scheme right before the horror of her victim’s eyes to their dismay.

 “But you know, I could if I really wanted to. It’d be far easier without the need to steal a uniform or anything.” She states plainly, reckoning the easy preparation. Placing her finger upon her chin, she continues playing innocent. “Do you think I should mix up my old character? I could probably throw something together, find a pair of glasses…” Humming a cheery tune, she eyes around the room, seeing if she could possibly find a pair to snag right then and there. “And to make a grand entrance I could go through the vent system? No, Maybe something better…“ Rukia trails off, ducking her head as she continues thinking. Her thoughtful expression molds quickly to a mischievous grin, like a film cutting forward too quickly, as she looks at him for properly, teasing, possibly threatening, daring him to underestimate her pettiness. “But I surely don’t have time for such things, right?“ 

She sighs as she drops her act, a soft smile replacing her scheming one. “But it's good to see you faring well from the sounds of it.. You seem good.” If he could freely get mad at her for little things like this, his problems must be simple enough.

He’s missed this. Not that he would ever tell her on pain of death. But that’s the thing about Rukia. He doesn’t always have to tell her things. Especially the hard things.

Ichigo leans an elbow on his desk, pausing his work to flick her a look. “Uh huh. It would be even easier to just show up in spirit form and walk in through the wall, I bet,” he appends dryly. Maybe if she hears it for herself, she’ll catch how ridiculous it sounds. Sneaking into a university classroom when she could just likely walk through the door and not be noticed. Or she won’t catch on. She does seem determined.

He jots down another word, only just able to keep from rolling his eyes. “You’re going to get yourself arrested, more like. Or stuck.” Rukia’s not an idiot, the little disaster is too crafty to get stuck. But arrested… maybe. If they could catch her.

He narrows his eyes when she doesn’t seem off put in the slightest with his helpful suggestions, catching that little challenge she seems to be aiming his way. Maybe his attempts just have to be wilder to outclass her half-baked shenanigans. But he's glad she mentioned the glasses. Now, he can hide any of his, so they don't go missing. “Or you could show up before class and pretend to be the professor. Find one of those high backed chairs…” He lifts a hand to twirl a finger. “Spin it around dramatically. I’d never see that coming.” If his tone gets any flatter, there might be permanent damage to his vocal cords.

Except, she changes things up on him, switching the conversation around and leaving him off-balance.

Ichigo blinks, head shifting to look at her more fully. It takes a second before he feels his air give way in a light huff and he smirks, just a little, even though she hardly deserves it after that harassment. “Yeah.” And it’s comfortable again in that particular way that’s unique to her. Just like always. “You’ve been gone a while. Things are good here.” A lot’s changed, and nothing has. All at the same time. But the conversation seems in danger of getting sappy, so he drops his pencil and leans back to cross his own arms over his chest. “I mean, you’re not bringing a bunch of trouble with you, so that’s to be expected. But seriously, Rukia. What kind of people are you sending us? They need babysat more often than they don’t.” Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t like them.

[thecottageinthedark]

Sorting Glass-Maker’s Dragon

I’ve been working on this for a looooong time, and finally it’s complete enough to post. I’m using the Sorting Hat Chats system, basics of which are explained here by its inventors and here by @wisteria-lodge.

A lot of GMD is flexpoints and inferred stuff, but this is, at least, the way I read the main eight.

Chuubo: Snake Primary, Badger Secondary. His Snake ambition isn't immediately obvious because it's backwards to us; he's an Imperator and a god of dream and probably the Spirit of the Age, but those were just things that happened upon him. He doesn't want fame or fortune; he wants a peaceful human life, or at least a human-style one, and his drive to achieve this has literally reshaped the world itself while still being, at its core, all about him.

His Badger Secondary is hard to see because of the one big gimmick in the way; the Wish-Granting Engine, that supposedly allows instant results with no work, and the way he uses it whenever possible. But the thing is, the WGE is both dependent on his Secondary and in some senses what he uses when he can't draw on that Secondary itself.

Badger Secondaries have to mean what they do; they put in hard work when and where they are motivated to do so. For Chuubo, that's not schoolwork, which is where he as a high schooler is socially expected to, and so he gets a rep for being lazy. Where he does put the effort in, is with his friendships, and in 'learning the ways of Fortitude'. With those, he doesn't cut corners. He doesn't pull out schemes. He patiently and consistently puts in the work. His Secondary is on full display in the way he persists in trying to be friends with Leo, even in the face of Leo's hostility. Chuubo doesn't try to win Leo over with subtlety or with grand gestures; he just doggedly carries on offering support, company, and good-natured teasing.

So where does the Engine come in? Think of the Wishing Map. It's the friendships and connections he's worked at creating and maintaining that help Chuubo's wishes to succeed. Wishes based on whim are almost certain to go wrong.

The wish for a best friend is maybe the most telling part of all. Or rather, what happened after it. Because despite having acquired Seizhi through unnatural means, it never once occurs to Chuubo to continue their association by those-to lean on miraculous or mundane coercion and create a relationship that all goes one way. Having acquired someone to love him, he just proceeds to love them back, with a generosity of spirit that is entirely genuine.

Like a lot of Snake Primaries, Chuubo has a Primary model that he uses to fill in the gaps where his ambitions and his loyalties aren't relevant. His is a kindly and expansive Badger Primary. He lives in this model most of the time-until there's a threat to his inner circle or to his hard-won quiet life. Then he'll set the model aside and act from his real Primary to keep hold of what's his. (Being a snake sometimes helps.)

Seizhi Schwan: Snake Primary, Burnt Snake Secondary. Like Chuubo, their huge ambition is for something that most people just get handed on a platter; to be real, to matter, and to be loved. Their Primary and his instinctively understand each other about this-and also understand each other perfectly about the importance of treasuring and being treasured. (They're all but making big eyes at each other and swooning, in fact.)

Seizhi's Primary is somewhat wobbly in one regard; they're the sort of Snake who has kicked themself out of their own inner circle. After all, they reason, they're not real-not yet, at least-so why should they value themself? There's nothing there to value. This is linked to the burning of their Secondary; their supreme and miraculously-enhanced ability to fit into any social context is something that gives them pain, because it's just more unreality. Over and over they reach out, hoping that this time they've found a destiny; over and over, they stop sustaining an Intention, and the whole thing fades away. Even mundane uses of the Snake Secondary toolkit feel tainted-deceit and lies-and that's a problem, because this is the best and most practiced skillset they've got. They're trying to cover up this lack with a Badger Secondary model, because that's what they feel like they should have, what a Real Person would have-the slow grinding authenticity of method. (Possibly this decision is linked to Chuubo being a Badger Secondary.) But they don't like it. It feels like crap. It doesn't even work that well. And when they're in trouble, they drop the attempt to  Do Things The Real Way and start shifting and adapting and reacting like the Snake they are.

As of the start of GMD they're still hoping for the magic to happen, to wake up transformed into a Real Person who bears little to no resemblance to the 'fake self' they despise-for the Badger model to smother the Snake to death. The situation's in flux. Under pressure, they might begin to find ways to accept themself for what they are, and realise they are loved already; but it's just as likely that they will crack and fall into despair. If that happens, they'll probably Burn their Primary too, cutting themself off from Chuubo and from anyone else in their inner circle. This they'll frame not as a way to protect themself, but to protect the inner circle. A fake person has nothing real to give. How can they inflict such a horrible creature on the people they love? Might as well feed them fairy food and watch them starve, as do something like that.

That unpleasant possibility aside...unlike Chuubo they haven't yet created a Primary Model when the game starts. They might do so during the course of it, though-they will, after all, need to make a lot of decisions, and they won't always be able to relate those back to 'will it help me become real' or 'will it help Chuubo'. I don't think they're likely to copy Chuubo's Badger for this; it fits him fine, as an inherently peaceful Serpent, but Seizhi is an Actual who has had to fight just to exist, and isn't prepared to lay down arms just because things are now somewhat better. What'd work better for them would be a valorous and fierce Lion Model based on that of their brother Laodemus, or a wider Snake Model with an inner circle encompassing 'everyone I know' or 'the whole of Town'.

Leonardo de Montreal: Lion Primary, Lion Secondary. This poor man.

Oh, he'd love you to believe he's a Double Bird, or a Snake/Bird mix of some kind. He'd probably pick one of those Houses out if he had the choice! But that's...actually for pretty superficial reasons. He likes science so he figures he's a shoo-in for the 'smart person house', he's snappy and standoffish so equally he thinks he's in the 'mean asshole house'. But in the SHC system neither of those really fit.

Let's look at his Primary first. He's not a Snake, right away-because he doesn't have an inner circle and he's okay with that. There's no 'my people, who are most important' and 'everyone else'-even when he's not leaning on his Friendless wound, when he's prepared to concede that he cares about Chuubo or Jasper. If he were a Snake, those two would be the most likely inner circle candidates-but they're not in there. Not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't do the Snake style caring where his people are the centre of his world and the place he gets his morality.

Where his morality does come from is the Song of Hell, his 'love for the wicked'. It's intuitive, not constructed, and centred in himself, not reliant on others. (When he loses his heart, he doesn't draw up a systematic list of ethical principles to live by instead; he creates the Mechanism of Original Sin, which emulates the feeling of having an internal conscience as well as the function.) And the fact that he's a fallen angel means that at some point in his past he gave up Heaven on ideological grounds. The Song of Hell is just right, and therefore he follows it. Any justifications he makes for that decision come after the fact. And so he follows his Song, and becomes heroic-it's not just Jasper he saves, he's got a whole Thing about helping people. That's Lion Primary.

And though he's smart, he doesn't act Bird under pressure; he charges. He responded to Jade's death by first ripping out his own heart to save her daughter, then marching down to the BA to throw down with its Headmaster. He probably has a Bird Secondary model to help with Science, though-and he uses this model to back up his real secondary. Charge in throwing nightmare devices at the problem.

Natalia Koutolika: Bird primary, burnt secondary that's probably Bird or Lion.

Natalia's frozen heart sounds like a Petrified Snake thing, but it's not any specific person that makes her realise thawing is a possibility-it's Fortitude. And that's not because Fortitude is nice, the way a Badger might un-Burn on being accepted into a welcoming community, but because it's magical. The rules of the universe work differently here...so maybe that means things can be possible for her now that weren't possible back on Earth.

I thought at first her primary was burnt, but...freezing her heart made her lose faith in human goodness, and in her capacity for being happy, not in her ability to discern truth. She trusts her cynical System; actually, I think her looking like a Petrified Snake is down to that thing Birds do where their systems often come out looking like the other Primaries. Natalia has decided that the Petrified Snake morality is the true one...but when she arrives in Town, she reconsiders, and begins to edit.

Her Secondary is where she's burnt. Because part of the cynicism of her Primary System is the idea that there's no point trying. Use whatever methods are available, who cares? They won't work, because you can't do anything that matters-the world doesn't work like that. Most of the time she'll use Bird or Lion methods because those come easily to her, given she's a genius and a martial artist, so it's probably one of those. But then again...she doesn't seem to get any joy from them. I think her Arcs will (hopefully) involve healing the burning-and that could look like learning to trust in her charging or her knowledge base, or like finding that what she really feels Right about is putting in the work like a Badger or thinking on her feet like a Snake. (Burnt Badger secondary would be especially poignant, as it'd be her learning to rely on community as a source of strength.)

Jasper Irinka: Bird primary, Bird secondary.

She starts out with her system based on her mom's Heaven-style Lion primary; it doesn't work, and leaves 'a hole in the world' for her. So she starts looking for ways to make it work by picking up ideas from all sorts of people-her dad, her friends, the Moon Prince and assorted other NPCs-and either adjusting it by adding these in or making a new system entirely. And her matching secondary helps her to do this very effectively. Her Primordial ability to shape herself as she likes by growing limbs that she can then use and discard as she pleases is really Bird Secondary-and the fact that those limbs manifest from other people's Hopes? 'I know a guy' Bird.

Sure, she inspires people. But it’s not a Lion inspiration-being so completely and ferociously her own glorious self that others are attracted to her radiance. Jade probably worked like that, from what we know of her, but Jasper inspires because she deliberately does things to inspire Hope in people, using a toolkit of stuff she’s picked up.

(And of course Leo is fascinated with her-not just because she's 'Jade Irinka's daughter', the shine on that would wear off fast-it's that she's a Double Bird like what he wants to be! And she in turn is loving Leo's double Lion because that's what she thinks she's supposed to be like!)

Rinley Yatskaya: Badger Primary, Lion Secondary. Of course the Storyteller Arc kid gets the 'protagonist sorting'.

Rinley's stated purpose in their playbook is to be the social glue of the party, and their powerset makes them really good at it. They first save then make friends with Prince Eduard despite their family's feud with the Rats, and when they see Iolithae in the Titov shrine, they go to rescue her, because Eduard and Iolithae are people and that matters more than Eduard being a Rat or Iolithae being a dangerous sacred horror. In other words, they're a beautiful Universal Badger. As far as Rinley's concerned, you don't just see someone who's injured or imprisoned and then not help them, even if they're meant to be an enemy on ideological grounds or even grounds of prudence. And to help people, they jump right in and Do Something. That's textbook Badger/Lion.

Principal Entropy II: Exploded Badger primary, Badger secondary.

This guy is just community-building and caretaking all over the place. He shows up, he does the work-as the Angel of Fortitude he's literally fixing potholes and curing peoples' ailments! And he's doing that by going to the people and creatures of his Gardens, calling in favours.

And he's doing it because people are important. The denizens of the Evil Island, the people of Fortitude. 'All things can earn their recompense through love'.

The problem is, though-he's doing the dehumanisation thing that Badgers are so infamous for. He's not going 'some people are Enemies Who Must Die, and therefore are not really People', though, which is the usual form of the trope in fiction. That's the mode of a Badger at war, and E2 isn't fighting a war. He's going 'some people need to be Sacrificed for the Greater Good of the Community'. And that's not an easy thing for a Badger to believe. If he was an Idealist, or Snake who is comfy prioritising an inner circle, he could just hold that belief without problems. But being a Badger, he can't. If he sacrifices people, he has to either feel horribly guilty about it...or stop thinking of them as people.

One big group he tends to dehumanise are School students. School exists to create tools to fix the world. It's okay if he makes students into cursed Hall Monitors, it's okay if he turns SEED students into prototype world-trees and weirding walls. That's what they're for.

He also dehumanises himself. He's Other Than Human, Set Apart. He refuses to acknowledge his needs, and overworks himself-he's even, at game start, nullified two Divine Health Levels to make his Code Novae binding on the Evil Island, meaning that if you can get past his Immortality power he's actually the squishiest PC of the lot. So he's an Exploded Badger, sacrificing both himself and others to his community.

Miramie Mesmer: Bird Primary, Badger Secondary. She shares this sorting with her former self, Melanie Malakh.

Melanie's Bird Primary used the Bleak Methodology as her truth system. Coupled with her persistent, hard-working Secondary, this combination made her a star student at the Bleak Academy-a 'prodigy of hatred and despair'. However, when she left the Academy, things fell apart for her.

At the Bleak Academy she'd been sheltered from experiences or ideas that could provide any real challenge to the Bleak worldview. Because of that, her system wasn't as robust as she thought-and she didn't know how to shore it up or how to cope if it shattered. Which-along with the glass dragon-it did; her time in Town, the things she had seen and done, had led her to doubt the truth of ultimate futility. The last straw was the dragon itself. Melanie, through the work of her hands and mind, had created something that was not futile; a master-weapon that could destroy Town, just as she had intended. The very fact that she was able to do that gave the lie to the Bleak Methodology. Unable to deny this truth but just as unable to live with it, Melanie Fell so hard that-as Strategists sometimes do-she lost her identity and became a new person.

Unable and unwilling to use Melanie's system, Miramie has begun to construct her own, drawing on various sources-the communal and peaceful mores of Fortitude, Hideo Hayashi's belief that even unlikeable misfits do not deserve to be left alone without support systems, the other Archive kids' idea that outcasts should stick together, and Chuubo's Snake prioritising of personal ambitions and loves. Since she's not had much time to do this, it's nowhere near finished-but it looks likely to be robust. It also seems to me that she's likely to be able to edit it as she needs rather than Falling-or, if worst comes to worst, to Fall but get back up as herself, rather than shattering again or reverting into Melanie Malakh.

Her Badger Secondary is a contrast to Chuubo's, as where his is socially based and linked to personal relationships (Courtier Badger), hers is more focused on the more usual definition of 'work', and on community in the sense of history and tradition (Bookkeeper Badger). It's her Secondary she brings to bear on the tasks of setting up a cafe from scratch and helping maintain the Archives. It's also what she uses to keep herself going under the weight of the world's wrongness, to keep making art even though it's doing so that activates her Curse. She just keeps slogging away.

I can also see the Badger Secondary in Melanie's construction of the glass dragon. She sat herself down with Hideo Hayashi and learnt glasswork from scratch, putting in the time and effort to both master this new skill and to bring Hideo himself fully under her control. Simple, honest work, even though used for deeply destructive ends.

IN CONCLUSION:

Chuubo: Snake primary, Badger secondary, Badger primary model Seizhi: Snake primary, Burnt Snake secondary, unhealthy Badger Secondary model Leonardo: Lion primary, Lion secondary. Bird secondary model Natalia: Bird primary (with a system that starts out looking a lot like Petrified Snake), very burnt Secondary that is likely Bird or Lion Jasper: Bird primary, Bird secondary Rinley: Badger primary, Lion secondary Entropy II: Exploded Badger primary, Badger secondary Miramie: Bird primary, Badger secondary

[sepublic]

Makuta and Rahi

           I really have to speculate about the Makutas’ relationship with Rahi as a whole. It’s never quite defined within canon the purpose of Rahi’s existence in the Matoran Universe, did the Makuta ever consider this, and did it bother them? While Mata Nui created various sapient races with no-doubt clear-cut purposes as part of a larger machine… Did the Makuta ever feel insecurity over the seemingly pointless addition of the Rahi? Did they ever feel extraneous alongside their own creations?

           Especially since I can see a LOT of thought, passion, and creativity going into a lot of Rahi species and their designs, behaviors, the way they interact with one another… There’s a delicate thing that needs to be considered when designing an ecosystem, and that’s Balance. I have to wonder if that’s a concept that the Brotherhood of Makuta held dear to their hearts, especially given how inextricably tied it is to their creations.

           Thinking on it, I can better understand why the Makuta saw taking over the universe as just a mere extension of their pre-existing duties. Their ordained purpose in life had already been to create species who have specific niches, roles, and purposes to play… Mata Nui’s handling of sapient species was no different, right? You had Makuta actively working to improve upon pre-existing creations, so improving upon a fractured universe by uniting it just makes sense! The line is further blurred when one considers the presence of sapient rahi… And in that scenario, I guess it’s not too surprising that the Makuta saw themselves as not all that different from Mata Nui, in the end- Maybe even better.

           The creation of ecosystems also means establishing a cycle of life, which often means designing species with the intended purpose to be devoured and/or killed by other Rahi creations. That sort of lifestyle and mentality, raising and designing entire species for a specific purpose, one they both live and diefor… It can really create a God complex amongst some Makuta. They have literal divine justification in creating a ���greater system’ where the lives of countless Rahi are meant to be sacrificed and hunted down, all to maintain a cycle of life, a specific balance.

           And considering their roles, the Makuta no doubt got used to the idea of culling populations in order to maintain an order and ‘balance’ within ecosystems. And with the line between Rahi and sapient species blurring… I can see, more and more, how the Makuta became so nonchalant to the idea of killing others for a ‘greater purpose’, and how this casual attitude just led to the Brotherhood becoming more and more desensitized- Until we have people like Icarax or Gorast, who outright revel in carnage. They were encouraged from creation to create species that were meant to die, or species that were meant to kill- Oftentimes both. And as one takes pride in their ability to fulfill this role, some end up taking pride in their creations’ ability to kill, and/or die…

           I’d even argue the Makuta are the Matoran Universe equivalent to the Great Beings, as amoral scientists who saw ruling the world as just a natural extension of their pre-existing duties, and themselves as the best candidates for the job. After all, the Archives Massacre taught them that it was necessary to kill a few, in order to save the rest… Aside from Teridax having always been genuinely terrible, I can see why his role as a Zoologist framed the way he perceived the situation. It wouldn’t have been much different to the nonchalance that comes from killing off an invasive species in droves, all to maintain an ecosystem- Or introducing predators whose sole purpose is to kill those creatures.

           I can also see this desensitization towards individual plights and smaller issues, all for the greater good, really getting to the Makuta. As they spread out following the Matoran Civil War, a lot of Makuta likely had a policy of just letting smaller incidents, chaos, and injustices occur without interference- So long as they didn’t interfere with the grand scheme of things. It’d be like turning a blind eye to a helpless prey being pursued by a hungry pack of predators- Sure, you feel sorry for that prey. But in the end, this is just nature, it’s just how it is… And those predators have to eat, man. It’s like how Zoologists, out in the wild, generally don’t interfere with the stuff that goes on around them, unless this is something threatening an entire ecosystem or species. I can see some Makuta coping with their roles by deciding that it’s downright immature to be caught up in the life of a single Rahi, learning not to be so attached to creatures that just come and go, living and dying, etc.

          I can see how their roles as ecosystem overseers led to the Makuta being discouraged from getting personally involved, nor closely attached to the actual subjects they were working with- And how this practice translated towards their oversight of the Matoran Universe, letting the Toa do the heavy-lifting of protecting society. I can see how they became resentful of the Toa, who were blessed to be but mere heroes and protectors, and received adulation for this; While the Makuta felt unappreciated as beings who had to make difficult choices for the greater good, and often sacrifice the lives of others for this purpose.

          No doubt, many coped by seeing the callous reality of their duties as being noble in its own sense, as is the idea of making the difficult call to kill others for the sake of a larger world. There must’ve been jealousy amongst the Makuta towards the Toa- Who were revered for fulfilling their roles, only for the Makuta to be vilified for doing the same. Don’t blame THEM for their detached manner of overseeing the universe, the Makuta were just doing what the Great Spirit told of them! And that could lead to resentment towards Mata Nui, for even making the Makuta to be like this…

           And when the League of Six Kingdoms fell, following the disappearance of the Barraki? It’s no wonder the Brotherhood of Makuta took over, they applied that same principle of enforcing a balance and functioning system, an interconnected web of interactions, and applied it on a grander yet similar scale- This time to the countless civilizations and sapient species of the Matoran Universe. Given how apathetic Mata Nui was towards maintaining the Matoran Universe, I can see how the Makuta thought themselves as better rulers.

          As Zoologists, they’d be intimately aware of the process of observing populations in their natural habitat, keeping an eye on them, herding them towards a desired path with a guiding hand. The Brotherhood probably saw itself as paying more attention to the goings-on of the Matoran Universe than the Great Spirit, and they were probably right! And it really does seem like common sense, that people who actually know more about the world they’re governing and more closely involved with it, should actually be running it VS some detached, apathetic Great Spirit that can’t even notice the formation of a League or Toa Empire in his own body, so long as it’s not directly affecting him.

           When you’re designing ecosystems, you have to take everything into account- So the Makuta likely saw themselves as more attentive, responsible, and even compassionate towards the Matoran Universe inhabitants, than their own god. Not to mention the idea of constantly manipulating the lives of being they see as lesser, more primitive, and not having the same rights nor intelligence as them… I can see some Makuta mistakenly dismissing the sapient species of the Matoran Universe as no different. Or at least, that same detached, patronizing attitude of treating others without regard to what THEY have to say, because they’re too dumb to consider the bigger picture… I can see how it was applied to beings like the Matoran.

          I can see why the Makuta saw the sapient species of their world, and ‘dumb animals’ as not being all that different… And on the flip-side, this naturally meant that just as Rahi were lesser beings to them, so were the other sapient species in the Matoran Universe. And it just led to the Makuta distancing themselves, creating that sense of detachment and superiority, that mentality that the ends justified the means… Being encouraged to create others with the purpose to kill and/or die, taking pride in one’s ability to create something that causes death, or satisfaction at the demise of something else…

          Not to mention, the diversity of Rahi may have exceeded that of sapient species, which not only influenced the Makutas’ fascination with shapeshifting and their creativity, but likely made them see themselves as being more clever and imaginative creators than Mata Nui himself. Working closely with the Great Spirit also made him seem much less distant to the Makuta, much more approachable… And thus so much more flawed and vulnerable. Especially if they knew exactly how a jeopardized system could easily throw Mata Nui’s health out of balance, how he was outright dependent on the lives of his ‘lesser beings’ and creations, while the Makuta lacked such a weakness and only continued to transcend, evolving past physical bodies.

           The Makuta, most of them, were terrible people. That much is not up for debate, and most of them really DID choose their own horrific paths. People like Gorast and Icarax enjoyed carnage far too much, while Teridax was just awful to an unprecedented degree. But it makes me consider Krika’s sadness, how he sees the Makuta as trapped to their fate, like their decisions to become conquerers and usurpers was merely inevitable… Because in the end, they were made for that. They were made to be Zoologists, and thus predisposed to traits that would better enable their purpose.

           Just as the role of the Toa made them predisposed to being heroic and beloved by others… One could argue that the Makuta were similarly fated in a sense, albeit doomed. They had a completely different purpose than the Toa, and that meant a different mentality, way of life, and handling of others… The Makuta weren’t made to necessarily care for others, and to even disregard the lives of some for a ‘greater good’, for a balance. They were placed in an environment and position that both encouraged and required the attitudes that led to their corruption, so I can see why Krika felt his fate as a traitor to the Great Spirit was inevitable- Because one can’t escape their reason for existence, nor can they escape Destiny. And, it’s funny that Krika becomes so resigned to the idea of being unable to escape one’s inherent nature… Because one can argue that the Makuta DID rise above that, alongside their intended purpose. They weren’t meant to take over the Matoran Universe as conquerers, yet they chose to act contrary to both the plans of the Great Spirit and Great Beings.

           And while Krika saw this lifestyle as a natural extension of their creators’ intended roles for them… There’s still the realization that they DID defy the plans of their makers, to an extent. To the point where they could outright rebel against them- Again, as a result of attitudes implanted by their creators, for the purpose of carrying out their assigned duties. But still… It’s not entirely hopeless, and that’s Krika’s downfall- He just sort of gave up. He was too much of a coward, too resigned, and too apathetic to make a difference. Krika saw one’s environment as dictating a person’s existence and identity, but I can see why- After all, with regards to the idea of evolution and adaptations, for many animals their environment literallyshapes what they are!

          And just as environments can be created by the Great Beings, so too can Rahi be made by the Makuta, with regards to how they’ll function in said environments. Krika lived by the idea that beings are dictated entirely by the circumstances they were made in… If his own Rahi could never rise above their environmental circumstances, then could Krika? Especially since he, too, is a creation of a higher being? Overall, I can see how Krika became so defeatist and cynical; At least until the last second, but by then it was too late. To Krika, beings’ lives are dictated by an unchangeable environment/situation, and the only way to survive is to adapt and conform to that environment, to live by what it dictates- There is no changing one’s situation, you are entirely subject to its whim and power. Perhaps it’s no wonder Krika became so disillusioned.

[simp-for-spencer-reid]

Sugar with a Side of Coffee Ch. 10- Trivia Night

Chapter 10: Trivia Night

Series Masterlist

The team could deduce that Spencer and Cate had made up; he began to show up with his hot coffee and a fresh baked good in the morning again. JJ tried to talk with him about his and Cate’s relationship, but he insisted they were just friends. Emily suggested having another night out, but Spencer wasn’t keen on that idea. 

Especially after seeing how easily someone could get to her through him, like the photographs made clear, he wanted to keep her at an arm’s distance. He would rather have her safe than to be the reason she got hurt. 

Derek and Penelope had grown impatient waiting for Spencer to introduce them to her officially. Sure, Derek had met her briefly at the bar, but the team as a whole wanted to get to know her, maybe give their stamp of approval. They all knew how much Spencer deserved a ray of sunshine in his life. They also wanted to see what had Spencer so captivated by her. 

Luckily, they had schemed up a little plan to not force, but encourage an introduction. Penelope had seen a flyer on her way into work about a Trivia Night being held at the bar on 18th that they frequented. The team as a whole was due for a night out anyhow, so they could play it off as a coincidence. Derek was one step ahead of Penelope, he had stopped into The Empty Mug to talk to Marta about their plan. He had assumed that since Cate typically worked the cart, that Marta would be inside the shop. And like the profiler he was, he was right. 

Marta recognized him right away. She quickly got through the line to take care of his order.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Marta smirked at him. Derek laughed her off.

“I have a plan to get our Pretty Boy and your friend together.”

It took little convincing to get Marta on board of he and Penelope’s plan. Even Marta was tired of the pining and wanted to help them finally get together. Spencer and Cate were painfully obvious to anyone else about their feelings, but to each other, they kept them hidden.

Marta could see how Cate’s spirits were lifted when she came in from a shift after seeing Spencer. And on the nights when he walked her home, Marta could see Cate’s face light up. Marta was also a witness to the mutual blushing between them. She could see the stolen glances and the way the two teetered on the edge of friends or more. 

When Cate came in after her shift on the cart, she was smiling and had a bit of a bounce to her step. Marta could only assume she and Spencer had seen each other this morning. As soon as Cate reappeared from the back, Marta was hot on her trail.

“So,” Marta started, already putting on her begging face. “I was thinking that it’s been a while since we last went to the bar on 18th and we both could use a night out! I’ll even drive!” Marta had her hands placed on Cate’s shoulders, slightly shaking her as she pleaded.

“Uh, yeah I don’t have any plans, I just have to run home and feed Shrimp and I’ll meet you back here?” Cate had told Spencer she was free tonight when she saw him this morning, but she’d have to update him later. Marta was doing a small celebratory series of jumps. Just as soon as she had ran up to Cate, she was shooing her out the door to move her along to go get ready. 

“Perfect, I’ll expect you back here by five thirty, I want to be there by six.” Marta watched as Cate walked to her apartment, the two of them laughing to themselves.

Cate’s apartment felt different since the leak. She no longer kept her books out on shelves or anywhere they could be damaged. She traded them out for little figurines and pictures in frames. It made Cate’s place feel less like her, but she never wanted to risk her books until she found a more reliable place. 

Shrimp batted a little golden pom pom with wings around Cate’s living room floor. She was busy in her room, pulling clothes out for a cute outfit. Her bedroom door was open, allowing for Shrimp to walk in and jump on her bed to watch what she was doing. She turned when she heard his bell and held up a hanger with an olive green shirt on it. 

“Which do you prefer?” Cate asked the orange cat as she swapped between the green shirt and a mustard yellow one. Shrimp just closed his eyes and curled up to sleep. “Thanks for the help.” Cate smiled and decided on the yellow shirt. She paired it with dark blue jeans and some tan heels. 

After putting the other clothes back where they belonged and taking a quick shower and changing, Cate walked to her kitchen, enjoying the sound of her heels clicking on the floor. She filled Shrimp’s bowl and gave him fresh water. Taking her phone out of her back pocket, she lifted it to her mouth to record a voice message for Spencer.

“Hey Spence, I know I said I was free tonight, but Marta wanted to go out, so I can’t hangout- if that’s what you wanted to do!” She had rushed the last part, mentally scolding herself for making assumptions.

Spencer would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disappointed that Cate had managed to come up with plans that didn’t involve him. As he sat at his desk, He was tempted to ask where she was going, but he didn’t want to pry. As he set his phone down, Penelope approached his desk. She wore her smile as well as she sported her colorful clothing and accessories.

“Good evening, Boy Wonder! I come bearing some fun times. Tonight, we- as in Morgan, Prentiss, JJ and I are going to a trivia night! Would you like to come?” Penelope held a pink papered flyer in her hand. 

“Wouldn’t it be cheating considering my eidetic memory?” Spencer furrowed his brows at her. 

“Well, yes we would have an advantage, but it will be fun winning and we can celebrate with drinks or something. Consider it team bonding time!” Spencer wondered how much bonding the team could really have. Since he and Cate were not going to see each other, he might as well fill his night with fun with his team. 

He didn’t bother going home after work, he rode with Emily, and JJ to the bar on 18th. They parked around back, Derek and Penelope pulling in front of them. The air was cooling down as they exited their cars. Derek finished up a quick phone call as they were parking. The group made their way to the entrance, walking to the right side of the trivia section, picking a table that would fit their team of five. 

Cate had made it back to The Empty Mug shortly before Marta had wanted her to arrive. Of course, Marta was running a little late, and hadn’t even gotten dressed yet. Cate went up the stairs and greeted Marta’s parents having dinner. Marta was in her room, still in a towel as she dried her curly hair. 

By the time they got to the bar on 18th, it was a little after six. Marta and Cate took a tall table on the left side of the trivia table. On the table there was a menu of appetizers that were half price for the duration of the trivia night and a list of rules for trivia night. 

“Wow that looks fun, should we try our hand at a giftcard for this place?” Marta referred to the grand prize: a thirty dollar gift card to the bar. Cate scoffed.

“You know we might as well. It beats paying full price for some food.” Cate glanced over the menu, deciding what sort of greasy food would hit the spot. 

The host for trivia spoke into the mic, checking it to see if it was on. They welcomed everybody and went over the rules for the game. Some general rules: teams must consist of 2-6 players. One player must present their answer to the host per team. The game will consist of ten questions. If needed, a tie breaker will be introduced to the game at the end of the night.

“Alright, everyone, I am going to spin the wheel to decide our first category and question.” The host announced. They gave a large wheel with different colored pie slices and pictures representing categories a spin. “Our first category is Math, get your pencils ready.” 

What is the top number of a fraction called?

Marta flew out of her seat and made a run for the host’s table. One the way, she saw that Derek had beat her to the table. She groaned, dramatically throwing her head back. 

“Nice to see you, too.” Derek sauntered over to Marta after giving his team’s answer to the host. “Cate is with you?” Marta nodded and confirmed their table’s whereabouts. “Perfect. We can’t see you from our table. We’ll send Reid to the host for the tenth question.” After keeping it short and brief, Derek walked back to their table. Marta walked back to her and Cate’s table. Marta had to tell Cate that she wasn’t fast enough. 

The host called everyone’s attention to confirm the correct answer was given. They spun the wheel again, the next category was Music. 

How many black keys on a piano?

“Out of 88 keys on a piano, 52 are white and 36 are black.” Spencer recited from memory. Penelope scribbled the number down and made a break for the host. She spotted a brunette low ponytail with her back to her. Penelope recognized Cate. Penelope turned on her heel, and walked back to the table of agents.

It would seem that Cate and Marta held their own against other teams who consisted of more than two people, especially the team of agents across the section. They had been neck and neck for first place. Right now, the agents were in the lead. 

The trivia host spun the wheel to decide the category. The wheel seemed to spin forever as it slowed. Finally landing on Science, the host plucked an index card that held the question and answer from a rotating filing system for index cards.

Which scientist is credited for the modern study of genetics?

Cate launched from her seat. Her and Marta were one point from tying with the team in first place. Cate had gotten quite invested in this silly game of trivia. Her competitive side was coming out, and her need for the win was strong. As she was reaching the host’s table she caught sight of a familiar face. She shook her head to keep focused, and gave the host her slip with the answer. Instead of walking back towards her table, she continued to the right of the host, towards Spencer.

“What are you doing here?” Cate stopped in front of him. Spencer held his team’s slip in his long fingers, folding it over nervously. 

“Some of my team from the BAU wanted some ‘team bonding’” Spencer told her. It was clicking in his head; Garcia’s persistence, Cate’s last minute change of plans, Derek’s phone call. They had been set up. Cate nodded at him.

“Sounds fun! I’ll catch you later then.” She turned to go back to her table. The host called that there were only two questions left. Cate’s answer was announced as correct, putting her team and Spencer’s team in a tie. The next two points were taken by other teams, but Spencer and Cate’s teams were tied for first. It was the final, tie breaking question for the two teams in first. The wheel spun and landed on pop culture. 

Give the five digit code used to access the Ministry of Magic from the red phone booth in Harry Potter.

Cate was ecstatic that her extensive knowledge of the Wizarding World was coming in handy. Marta shoved her in excitement and Cate bounded through tables to get to the host’s booth. Spencer had taken longer than he liked to rifle through his first readthrough of the series. He was glad his long legs allowed him to take long strides. He looked for Cate in the aisle in front of the host’s table. She was on the floor, gripping her ankle. Because there were no other teams to worry about, he moved to go see if she was alright. 

Her hair was in her face, and he couldn’t see her face well enough to read her expression. He hadn’t noticed the heels she was wearing. He hadn’t known her to wear heels in all the times they’d hung out. He bent down, putting a hand on her shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, I think I mis-stepped and rolled my ankle on something.” Cate looked around the floor around her, for what she could’ve stepped on. Spencer held a hand out, ready to help her up. Cate had other plans, though and pulled herself up, pushing him behind her to throw her paper at the host, who was shaking his head laughing.

“That’s cheating!” Spencer looked at her, mouth agape. 

“And having a certifiable genius on your team isn’t?” Cate smiled back. With the announcement of Cate and Marta’s win, both teams walked to their partners.

“Well played, Cate.” Derek said as he approached. JJ and Emily introduced themselves to the girls. Cate looked to Penelope. With a smile she extended her hand.

“Nice glasses.” Penelope was wearing the red frames again, Cate remembered Penelope from the coffee cart. Her first taste of the coffee order of Spencer Reid.

“Spencer has definitely met his match with you.” Emily spoke to Cate, the two glancing at Spencer after she said it. A blush was creeping up the back of his neck.

“He definitely didn’t mention how pretty you are!” JJ said. Spencer’s blush made its way to his ears. “No wonder he stops for coffee every morning.” Everyone turned to Marta. “And the coffee is amazing, thank your parents for delivering to the Bureau.” The whole team was loving the change in coffee. It was a definite upgrade from the cheap stuff they used to buy. The team and Marta and Cate pulled chairs over at the agents’ table to converse a little while longer without being in the way of any servers.

Spencer and Cate walked together out the door of the bar, his team had not to subtly been shooting him looks of approval. If Cate had said anything to prove she was remotely compatible with Spencer, they would look at him- wide eyed and raised brows. Spencer had tried not to make eye contact with any other agent at the table. 

“6-2-4-4-2.” Spencer spoke first. Cate smiled. “I did know the answer, for the record.”

“Magic.” she replied. “You never cease to amaze me, Spence.” Cate looked up at him, smiling. He just shoved his hands into his cardigan.

Spencer walked her to Marta’s car, Marta already inside waiting for her. He opened the door for her to get in. She smiled a thanks at him. If she smiled like that again at him, Spencer swore he might combust. 

In Emily’s car, JJ and Emily were waiting for Spencer to come back. As soon as he shut the door, they were squealing with excitement. The entire ride back to the bureau, they spoke highly of Cate, and pinpointed exactly what qualities they thought balanced Spencer out and how she was his perfect match. Spencer didn’t deny any of their words; he just smiled and thought about Cate. He wasn’t so sure he could keep up being just friends anymore.

[jonthethinker]

Together Or Alone?

Since I finally have a few days off work, I want to get weird and really dig deep into why I personally enjoy the Mighty Nein and its particular breed of found family so much, and why the dynamics between its members are so satisfying for my heart in particular. Let’s get unnecessarily deep, shall we?

You may not completely understand why I think this would be weird, but you’ll understand fairly quickly as I get started.

I’ve been on a sort of spiritual journey, in a way, over the course of this most eventful year. A small part of me feels bad that while so much suffering is going on, and so much of the world feels like it’s falling apart, I’ve been making positive strides in determining my place in the grand scheme of things. But a larger part of me is just really grateful to finally find a bit of internal peace after years of not having it, of finally having some bit of quiet in a mind that’s never been able to still itself long enough for any such thing.

I haven’t exactly found religion, but I have given more shape to how I best want to imagine our universe and my humble place in it, and I’ve finally started asking the right questions.

One of those questions stands above the rest, and it’s the question I’ve decided the Universe Itself is asking; Together or Alone?

I started seeing attempted answers to this question everywhere. In the universe bursting outward, yet huge masses of it clinging together to form all we know and can perceive. I see it in wondrous solar systems forming and spinning in a rippled field of mutually affected gravity; and I see it in the black holes that can form, and tear and pull all that beauty into nothing. I see it in incredible ecosystems where the life and the land combine to form what feels like its own organism, larger than just the sum of its parts; and I see it in the environmental devastation caused by our own actions, killing that organism, and in turn doing irreparable damage to the very spirit of our world.

I see it in humanity’s natural inclination for cooperation and concern for others; and I see it also in our inclination to be blinded by power and in that blindness, inflicting unspeakable harm on each other in order to hold onto that power. I see it in our bodies, organs one by one relying on each other in a perfect act of faith to form something greater than a liver or heart or brain could ever be on their own; and I see it in cancer, single-minded in its pursuit of self-replication by all means, all memory of belonging to something greater stricken from its damaged DNA. I see it in basic elemental particles, most of them ready and able for their eventual combination with other particles to build wonderful compounds with entirely new properties, adding untold dimensions of complexity to how our world works; and I see it in those small rogue particles the neutrinos, that can shoot off from a star for eons without interacting with a single thing.

The question and its many answers, and the dialectical relationships those answers have, are what I feel can really undergird all of our interactions with each other, all progress and all regress, all friendships and all rivalries. It’s there in all our stories and all art we create; Together or Alone? What’s your answer?

For me, the answer that felt like it escaped the singing lips of an angel, was, “Of course, together. Always together.”

It shapes my politics heavily. I’m a lefty, but its not just because I believe we’re all equal as individuals; it’s because I believe we are all a part of the same thing. We are all a part of that same great organism, that same great body. The Universe. God. Whatever you want to call it, though it needs no name. We are in this together because we are one thing from many different things, whether we like it or not.

But I’m not just blindly optimistic about this. I don’t think it works like this all on its own. It takes work and time. It took billions of years for solar systems to form. For single-cell organisms to band together into colonies and then evolve into multi-cell organisms. It took a while longer for creatures to stick together as families, for the mutual dependencies of ecosystems to form, and even longer for the first tribes and societies to form. It took time, and an incredible amount of energy and effort, and so much failure. We’ve hurt each other so much, that’s true. But it’s only by coming together that we’ve ever been able create anything new, anything Good.

The universe has a bias towards entropy; things tend to fall away and apart. So there’s a beauty in the struggle for togetherness. I’d argue that it’s the only source of beauty in the first place; the unity of forces interacting. The quest for togetherness gives my life meaning, drive, and purpose. And for someone who’s struggled with depression for so long, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have purpose, especially for something bigger than me.

And by this point, you’re probably wondering when I’m going to stop sermonizing and actually talk about Critical Role. so here we go.

The individual members of the Mighty Nein are some deeply flawed and deeply troubled people, at least when we first met them. Some of them have done awful things, sometimes against their will. They’ve all been the victims of powers much greater than themselves, and as a result, have been left feeling frayed at the edges. They’ve all had hurts and been shaped by those hurts; whether it was loneliness, unfair expectations, or just being unfortunate enough to be different in all the wrong ways. Damaged is a word that carries unfortunate implications, as does broken; but it’s undeniable that you’ve got seven people who have all felt like Sisyphus when the boulder rolls back down the hill.

Some have taken this fate better than others, but it’s undeniable that these people have suffered, and in that suffering, gained nothing.

But then they met each other.

It wasn’t all roses from the get-go. You throw these people with underdeveloped social skills and an untold amounts of personal baggage, and you’ve got yourself some friction to say the least. But when they all met each other, they had nothing but their bodies and their hurts. They were total equals. Even when the Mighty Drei met Caduceus, they had just felt like they lost everything, and they were meeting someone who had no one. They all started together at their foundations, and over time, built something I think is truly beautiful.

This process hasn’t been perfect. Beau, for instance, can still be totally rude and abrasive to strangers and outsiders (and I love that about her), and still has a hard time swallowing her pride long enough to ask for help. Caleb is very much struggling with his trauma, and that path is never a straight line of progress for anyone. Jester for the longest time still didn’t really want to feel any negative emotions around the others, and her own pride has gotten in the way of owning up to how new she is to all this. Yasha bears a great deal of guilt for a great many things, and while she’s making strides, it’s still left its mark on her. Veth has come so far, but doesn’t know how to reconcile the contradictions between the two lives she wants as both a mother and an adventurer. Fjord has a deep desire for answers, answers that may open up a lot of wounds that have started to heal in the Mighty Nein’s care. And Caduceus refuses to share his troubles, his doubts about how much his time with Nein has fundamentally changed him from the boy his family knew all those years ago.

That’s a lot of hurt, and some of it will never go away completely. But it’s like how our bodies have all of these vestigial functions that no longer serve any purpose to it, and make our daily lives in office chairs or standing in one place all day harmful to our health. Or like ancient seas whose waters are long since gone, but have left their undeniable mark in the shapes of canyons and mesas, in the colorful layers of sedimentary rock they leave behind. The past is an unavoidable factor in how everything in the universe gets to take shape, but the present finds a way to adapt. And we people get to choose how to adapt. And the Mighty Nein chose caring about each other as their method of adaptation.

And the thing of it is, I don’t think its just having people finally caring about them that has allowed them to come as far as they have. I think it’s also the act of caring, the act of serving others, considering how the path you wish to take will affect someone else, that has really pushed them to this great place we currently find them in. I truly think there something inside of us that wants to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, and that in the moments we feel emptiest it isn’t because of what we lack on the inside but the connections we lack on the outside, and it’s the systems we inhabit that make us think otherwise. I see this so clearly in the Mighty Nein. If left all on their own, in the cruel worlds we first found them in and have learned they came from, I see seven people going on seven unique paths of self-destruction; but together, they can build something greater than themselves, that thing being the Mighty Nein.

I really do think the Mighty Nein is like its own entity. They are something totally different when they are together, like seven different elements that came together to form a compound with entirely different characteristics. It’s why the work so smoothly together in combat. Why, when the pressure is on, they tend to work as a relatively well-oiled machine. Why they hurt so much less when they are with each other. It’s like up-scaling from an atom to a cell, a cell to an animal, an animal to an ecosystem.

This togetherness is why I love the Nein so damn much. It’s reaffirming at a deep level for me. The story that they are telling, and the one forming without their active intention even being involved, is a wonderful thing. Stories about togetherness are my bread and butter; it’s why I’m a sucker for a good romance or found-family narrative, because I love it when people come together to make something more than them, making one plus one equal three. There’s nothing quite like it. And Critical Role has it in spades.

And it’s not all about the depth of answering some spiritual question. I enjoy the potty humor and the eight people just trying to fuck with each other and make each other laugh. I enjoy the silliness and joy and endless pop culture references. But also the act of eight friends coming together to make a show where they create a beautiful, silly, heartfelt story together has its own sort of spiritual resonance with me.

I also want to establish that I understand that this is a company selling an entertainment experience to me. They aren’t just doing this in the spirit of togetherness, they are doing this to strengthen their careers and incomes. I get that. But in the end, it’s all a part of the dialectic. It’s all motivation for me to continue working towards building a world where people can make wonderful art like this without worrying about building a career out of it or paying the bills. It reminds me of how much work there is to be done, but also of all the work that’s already been done.

Critical Role has its flaws, but it is a wonderful thing and I’m happier everyday I’m reminded it exists. The Mighty Nein are probably my favorite found family ever, and lately, a very powerful affirmation for my own journey. I do wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences, with this artwork or others like it. If so, I’d love for you to share them with me.

[theculturedmarxist]

Essay quam videri

hey, so this election is the first time I’ve been old enough to vote. im not a Democrat; I was doing work for bernies campaign and was pretty heartbroken when he suspended his campaign cause I know that biden is a rapist piece of shit and kamala is a fucking cop. but when the time came to vote in the election I voted for biden anyway cause I was told it would do more to protect people who were harmed by trumps campaign I don’t expect any sort of real change with biden and I worry that electing him will pacify civil unrest and provide people with a false sense of security,, but I felt like I wouldn’t have any right to be upset about trump being re-elected if I didn’t vote but do you think that voting for biden was fundamentally wrong? I’m trying to figure out how to navigate living in an evil system and sometimes I don’t know if it’s better to opt out or to participate and support an evil that is nominally better than another evil just wanted your opinion cause most ppl I know are on that “vote blue no matter who” shit

Hey,

I do understand how you feel. It can be really confusing, and it is a difficult question to come to grips with, trying to navigate an evil system and to minimize the damage your participation in it brings. This isn't an indictment of you personally, but an indictment of the world in which we live. One of the most horrid aspects of Capitalism is the barbarity that it makes us all ineluctably complicit in. Most people participate in the evils of this system through no real desire of their own, but because Capitalism has developed over the centuries a number of means to coerce participation. You can't have slavery without slaves, and there were always slaves because they created the profits that shackled them. That doesn't make picking master's cotton a fundamentally wrong act. You're a captive, and the captive's first duty is to survive, and secondly, to escape.

This ubiquitous coercion naturally makes any mechanism which we are invited to participate in suspicious. This recent election is a prime example: do you vote for this senile, racist, war-mongering, pedophile rapist, or that senile, racist, war-mongering, pedophile rapist? Do you vote for the man who put the people into camps, or vote for the man that built the camps? Do we bear the ills we have, or fly to others we know not of? You're right to be wary of participation. Part of its purpose is to instill a feeling of complicity in the crimes that result, either in yourself, or cast over some other party. The Democrats took advantage of this over the last four years to berate Trump for doing everything that Obama and Biden also did. They did and said the same things during Bush II's presidency. Now they exchange gifts with him and have brunch. It's theater, and they're all in the same troupe.

Do you know what constitutes bourgeois moralism? That it is pointless, epitomized in the phrase "thoughts and prayers!" It's wishing for good rather than doing good, hoping to be passed over by evil instead of working to destroy evil. Why do the bourgeoisie love philanthropy? Because it does nothing to lessen human misery. That is the essence of bourgeois moralism: seeming rather than being. The proletarian has no use for something so impractical, and you should not let yourself be fettered in this way. It will do you no good, nor anyone else. You will merely appear to be doing good, which is far worse than being nakedly evil.

Whether you decide to vote or not, and who you cast it for is entirely your prerogative. Haranguing the voter for participating or not, in a system they do not control, have no voice in, nor any real method of shaping, for people they had no hand in choosing, is nothing but vapid bourgeois moralism. It's a sleight of hand, transferring the guilt for Trump's crimes from the people that perpetrated them—Trump himself, the bourgeois that supports him, the thugs that carry out his orders, and so on, the willful perpetrators—onto you, the individual that had no part in any of it. This tactic is used to assuage the guilt of those who are willfully either complicit in a real sense or complicit in spirit. The same charlatans that try to shame you into voting want you to ignore that they've spent the last four years casually participating in the society that Trump runs, and dutifully supporting his regime with their taxes and commerce, and facilitating it with their compliance. They have nothing to offer you for your vote, because they are bankrupt themselves, bereft of the moral fortitude they fault others for not having. All they want is absolution, and the onus does not lie on you to give it.

That not casting a vote gives you no right to be upset about the outcome of that vote is another facet of this, a fallacious tactic on the part of the bourgeoisie. Not casting a vote is a vote in itself. Your assent and support is something that should be earned, not demanded, or expected, or brow-beaten out of you. If there is no candidate that you believe deserves your vote, then the only responsible choice is to not cast it. To say otherwise is to disembowel the very meaning of democracy. The compulsion of assent renders it meaningless.

With that said, is it fundamentally wrong to vote for Biden?

I think that isn't as useful a question as, what do you hope to accomplish by it? Biden as an alternative to Trump is a false choice—we have Trump _because_ of Biden. He didn't spring from nothingness, after all. Biden, and the rest of the political class at the behest of their corporate donors, have for decades shaped policy, enacted legislation, and brick by brick built the road that brought us to Trump. That is in addition to the Democrats' faux opposition to Trump, and their total collaboration in acting with him and the rest of the Republican party. The danger you want to mitigate is as much the legacy of the Democrats as it is the Republicans. They work in tandem in order to hold the people you wish to shield hostage against you. To put it simply, there is no Trump without Biden.

Yet neither is one exactly like the other. While they are both bourgeois politicians representing bourgeois cliques, they represent different factions of the plutocracy and their interests. Does the US go to war with Iran, or with Russia? Does the US continue to spread fascism in South America or in Southeast Asia? You can choose not to choose, and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that. You can choose the person that supports bombing country A or the one wanting to sanction country B, and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, either. In the grand scheme, your personal, individual vote amounts to very little. You'd might as well fret over which brand of soap you buy at the store, which brand of cereal, or your search engine. If there is no ethical consumption under Capitalism, then it would seem to follow that the only ethical choice is to not consume—to commit suicide. Even if you make your own rope from your own home grown organic hemp, you are still injuring the working class by doing the work of the bourgeoisie for it. Capitalism robs us even of escape in death.

What is fundamentally wrong is casting a vote based on nothing but wishful thinking and delusion, of which "Blue No Matter Who" is a byword. The bourgeois voting for Biden at least has the virtue of voting for their own interest. "Blue No Matter Who" is an affirmation of nihilism, that not only can they do nothing, but they also expect nothing. It isn't a political strategy. It's naked resignation. The consumer society that Capitalism has shaped has induced people to believe that their desires can be bought. Buy this soap and 5% of the sale goes to preserving the rain forest. Donate 30 cents to end starvation in Africa. That is the mindset at work here. The removal of Trump is just another item to add to the cart. Vote, and all the discomfort and ugliness that Trump has made them aware of will go away. Things will go back "to normal." They are deluding themselves that think this is not normal.

Mao himself says that nothing is wholly good or wholly evil. Good may come from evil actions, and evil may result from good actions. Gavrilo Princip had no idea that when he killed two aristocrats that he was setting in motion events that would not only lead to the deaths of millions of people, but also the death of the empires he hated. Your vote is just another small piece of an ongoing, dialectical process of events and actions and decisions leading into and influencing one another, most of which is largely outside of your control. Years from now you might have reason to regret it, or to celebrate it, or maybe even both. Actively making that decision, however the outcome, at least means that you chose to be rather than to seem, and that’s the first step to doing good.

[afanc0d]

Hedge Riding: Encounter with Sigma the Magus and The Nymph of The Lake

Disclaimer: this is a bit personal and I wasn’t sure if I should’ve posted it. I decided to do it anyway to show people what hedge riding is like for me. Also bad writing up ahead.  

Codependency has always been a lingering entity in my life. Thus, when changes occur there is a tendency to cling on desperately—denial, false hope, and rationalization typically occur simultaneously. These tendencies stem from childhood trauma yet at the same time, reasons for certain behaviors are inexcusable in the grand scheme of things. At the end of a five-year relationship, all these tendencies came crashing down, as if I was sinking deeper in the depths of the ocean and everything surrounded my body and psyche to a crushing and suffocating pressure. There was a feeling of being trapped yet I felt the need to sink in deeper for the sake of concepts and principles.

Such concepts and principles fueled codependent behavior. I was a huge believer in a “grand scheme”, an “ultimate purpose”, a “meant to be”. These ideas were borne out of Christian ideals, where an ever-present and all-knowing being planned a path and purpose for individuals. This concept enabled my behavior, as a result, I saw a relationship with this person as the means and an end—a purpose, the purpose of my life. Everything that I have planned in my life was to be with this person and for this person. A hard concept to shake, a hard person to let go.

I believe the Magus visited me to chastise me from this train of thought.

At the beginning of my journey, my spirit usually stands over my physical body—where I see myself blindfolded in a meditative pose. As soon as I separated, I saw a masked shadowy figure loom over my body. My immediate reaction was fear because it was unknown. Luckily, I always cast a circle of protection before journeying to alternate reality—thus, the masked shadow is unable to take hold of my body.

I ignored the entity because I believed that if I acknowledged it, then it would follow or attack me. Ironically, the shadow still followed and attacked me. As my spirit made its way to the hiking trail, the entity started smiling at me with sinister intent, then he started harassing me. He held onto my arm, causing my steps to become heavier, my lungs filled with fear. I finally spoke to him and told him to “be gone”. He let go for a few seconds, but immediately took hold of my left arm again and kept harassing me verbally. I don’t remember what he was rambling about, but he was saying things while being a burden. I pretended to be fine with his harassment and said, “it’s okay, you can hold onto me, I am unbothered by your presence”—but, I was afraid.

I finally reached the hiking trail as well as the tree that I use to enter the lower realm. My spirit companion named Kip came out of the roots—something he rarely does. I will talk about Kip another time if he allows me. He chastises the masked shadow, telling him to detach himself from me. Kip, then transforms into his griffin form and rushes me through the dirt tunnel of the root system. The shadow chases after us matching our speed but barely catching up.

We flew past the forest clearing and the golden wheat fields and quickly arrived at Sheridan’s cottage. Sheridan opens the door and looked at us with an exasperated expression, asking me “what have you done now”, while peering at the masked shadow. He then addresses it and says “you can’t enter here you’re disgusting”—but the masked shadow disrespects Sheridan and enters anyway. He thrashes the place and tries to grab me and put me in a choke-hold.

Sheridan mutters a spell and throws a concoction at the shadow. What was revealed is an old man graying and hunched covered in robes. All the hostility from him vanished, instead a calm and authoritative demeanor surrounded him. He introduced himself, “I am Sigma the Magus, I have many things to show you” he points at me, then beckons me into a large golden mirror. Within the mirror, it shows a forested area, revealing an ethereal lake with a large waterfall feeding into it.

I was afraid to go with the Magus, so I asked Kip if he could come along with me and he did.

We entered through the mirror, there the ethereal lake glimmered with an unearthly shine. Graduating between pastel colors of pink, blue, green, and yellow. The magus sat on a stone by the shore of the lake, Kip and I followed him. I don’t quite remember how the conversation between the Magus and I went, but we spoke about my past decisions and anxieties. There, he told me to kneel and proclaim the changes and covenants I plan to make. What was most important to me? What am I ashamed of? What mistakes have I made? What is my true nature? I spoke loudly and true, but one thing I could not do is let go of this person that I’ve been in a five-year relationship with. The thought of proclaiming, “I will let him go for I have hurt him in many ways, and he has hurt me. The pain we inflicted cannot be healed, for our codependency, prevents us from doing so” brought me so much pain I could feel my stomach curl and my mouth latch close. My soul and physical body had tears streaming down my eyes. Memories of love flashed through my mind, and none of these words could be uttered.

There the nymph of the lake appeared from the surface of the water. The Magus introduced her as his wife, but he never gave me her name. She had long wavy hair covering her breasts, with a majestic tail shimmering as the lake did with silk-like fins. Kip transforms me into a mermaid, then I followed her into the depths.

The lake was ocean-like, as we moved deeper the shimmer and glow faded into the distance. Slowly we were surrounded by a somber dark blue—then total darkness. A structure appeared as we reached the bottom of the lake. Four columns of stone surrounded a centerpiece that had a luminescent glow. The nymph motioned for me to approach the light, as I held it in my hands—the same memories flashed into my mind. As I was reliving these memories a ghostly voice spoke “There is no such thing as destiny or fate. Nothing is intertwined, but there is a connectedness to events. What only exists are causalities and actions. Things that are out of control occur because of proximity; the die rolled out by lady luck—a happenstance. The things you experience, the people you meet, the pain that exists. Happens for a reason, but not pre-conceived reasons, rather reasons that happen from other reasons. A series of events, a domino. Chaos that exists in the universe and the chances of objects interacting with other objects.

—he is a happenstance. There is no red string of fate binding, he is not an angel sent by an eternal being. He is just a man that you met and fell in love with. Nothing more nothing less, and all the structures of this relationship are falling apart. Behaviors and tendencies betray, you cannot continue this relationship anymore.” The stream of memories ended, and the voice faded.

The nymph and I swam back to the surface, the shamanic drumming changes its rhythm, indicating the end of my journey. I bid farewell to the Magus and Nymph. Once again Kip transforms into a griffin—I mount his back and return home.

[codicesandflora]

hellsingmongrel replied to your post “I just realized something… Maybe God has acknowledged that Crowley is...”

Honestly, my headcanon is that God knew she would need them together, fighting against their opposing sides in the end, so Crowley didn't particularly Fall, he was PUSHED. On a personal level, it seems cruel, but she knew he and Aziraphale would be happy together, in the end, and Crowley's suffering would mean that the rest of the world could saved from the Armageddon. In the end, it was the kindest option for everyone, Crowley included, even if he doesn't know it.

This leads into something I’ve been thinking a lot about: the question of free will of the characters versus everything being according to God’s “Ineffable Plan”.

Personally, I think another word I’d use to describe God’s plan aside from “ineffable” is “fluid”. It’s not static. It changes with each action, each decision, and each outcome.

And yes, this is still compatible with Free Will. There does seem to be this pattern of God setting up the choices and then people making them. Then God adjusts Her plans accordingly which leads to the next set of choices. There’s contingency after contingency set aside for every possible permutation of decisions made due to free will. Thus, it truly is an ineffable plan because of the sheer complexity involved with having a plan that is both dynamic and goal-oriented. 

In that sense, Aziraphale was right. There has to be choices, that is at the core of the Ineffable Plan and is the intent behind God’s directives. He was mistaken, however, in thinking that this plan only applied to humans....

Because, I think God extended Free Will to Her servants in Heaven as well. Some of them used their Free Will to focus on obedience and strict adherence to God’s commands (in the letter of them if not in the spirit) and would include people like Gabriel, Uriel, Michael, etc. Others decided that their own will gave them the right to decide what is moral and “good” without anyone else’s input which is why Lucifer, Beelzebub, Hastur and their lot decided to stage a rebellion on Heaven (and ended up Falling).

Then you have Aziraphale and Crowley. Two people who demonstrate that God didn’t have a straightforward plan for all of Her celestial children.

My thought is that Crowley should be considered a bit of the classic Unreliable Narrator. Is he the sort of malevolent evil that Hastur or Beelzebub embody? No...but I don’t think he was completely innocent either. He says that he “only asked questions” or “only hung around the wrong people”. But I think he has a blind spot to his very real flaw of carelessness. He does things, sometimes brilliant things (well, brilliant in the sense that he’s good at his job), but he relies more on his wits to smooth out any difficulties rather than thinking carefully about the consequences of his actions beyond his immediate goal. 

It’s why he gets foiled by his own demonic plots such as taking down the phone system (making it harder for him to get in contact with Aziraphale when he needed to) and the plot for the M25 (making it harder for him to leave London later on...not to mention the grand scale suffering humans experiences versus the low levels of bad vibes he had planned on). This even extends to his relationship with Aziraphale where he makes the (unintentional. granted) mistake of giving the most backhanded compliment he could (”how can someone so clever be so stupid?”)....which is the exact same sort of terrible treatment Aziraphale gets from Heaven All. The. Time.

This is why Crowley simply could not stay in Heaven. A being who is supposed to act as God’s agent cannot just “wing it” for the sake of getting things done with no thought of how they are getting done. I agree that Crowley did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards because he was never going to be able to direct his free will into complete submission. It is cruel in some ways, but forcing Crowley to squash the qualities that make him not compatible with Heaven is another, worse sort of cruelty. 

With Aziraphale...it’s a whole other problem. Because, I think, he does have questions and did have them all along. I firmly believe that is part of why he’s far more welcoming to Crowley than other angels would be. It’s not just because he’s fundamentally good (and tries harder to hold to the spirit of God’s directives than his associates), it’s also because Crowley asks the questions that he thinks a lot about himself. He knows Heaven’s rhetoric for every occasion and will recite it to Crowley, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t wondered if Heaven is getting it right. 

This gets to the heart of what I think Aziraphale’s main flaw is: his inflexibility. It’s a trait that doesn’t attract too much attention in Heaven as long as you’re staying with in the company line. However, it does make things so much more difficult for Aziraphale because, once he decides he is acting in the Best Interests of God, Crowley and all the humans on the Earth, he is extremely reluctant to revise that mindset....even when he makes himself suffer because of it.... 

Thus, he sticks to rhetoric he’s told in Heaven because he’s decided that God’s Will is good and so he shouldn’t question it. He knows that angels are supposed to consort with demons, so he draws a line between himself and Crowley and won’t allow himself to question if it’s necessary (and in spite of the fact that it’s definitely not what he wants and probably isn’t what he needs). 

Even during Armageddon when so much is at stake, Aziraphale is still hesitant to go against everything he’s decided on a long time ago even though another part of him knows that he can’t just do what he’s always done. When he does yield enough to go along with Crowley’s schemes, he makes his own decision about how he’s going to handle it (”I’ll stop the Antichrist from coming into his powers, and if I can’t, I’ll ask the Almighty to fix things.” “I’ll keep up the Agreement, but I’ll also make sure to keep it on my head if anything goes wrong”.) Consequently, he wouldn’t confide in Crowley when he should have and he created far more heartbreak than ever needed to happen.

This is why Aziraphale needed to go to Earth. He simply has too many questions for someone so inflexible and is deliberately, consciously, too soft to execute the unyielding rule of law that Heaven often hands out. Whereas, on Earth (and with Crowley) he can learn about the necessity of not just questioning but also acting on those questions when needed.

Ultimately, Crowley and Aziraphale are the same (questioning the status quo, not really belonging in Heaven or Hell), but also different (one acting recklessly, one too paralyzed to act). They complement each other and are stronger together than apart. 

In the end, I agree that it was God’s Ineffable Plan for them to be together and save the world, but they still had to rise above their flaws and act on their own free wills in order to get there. 

[mikauzoran]

Adrienette Drabble: Daisy Chapter Thirty-Two: Game

There’s a Daisy Chapter Thirty-Two: Game

(It’s baaaaaaaack. ^.^)

“It’s good to know that you haven’t lost your skill,” Kagami remarked condescendingly as she removed her mask to reveal a sly, fox-like smile. “I had been concerned.”

“I mean, I did go for a run on Monday,” Adrien snorted, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. “It’s not like years of training are going to instantly evaporate just because I spend a few days moping in bed.”

Kagami clicked her tongue reproachfully. “My mother would disown me for neglecting my art like that.”

“I’m sick.” Adrien shrugged dismissively.

“In my family, mental illness is viewed as weakness and inferiority,” she countered ruefully. “Be grateful your father is so lenient and understanding.”

“Yeah,” Adrien sighed, relenting as he rested his mask against his hip. “He’s really stepped up lately. I am grateful. A couple years ago when I asked to see a therapist, he told me it would be disgraceful to talk about private family matters with ‘one of those charlatans’, and when I started having panic attacks, he insisted that I was just fatigued from all the work…. He’s come a long way.”

Kagami nodded, beginning to pack up her equipment.

“…Do you think I’m weak?” Adrien wondered.

Kagami paused, her head tipping slightly as she considered her response. “…I think it takes a very strong person to admit to their weaknesses.” She looked at him over her shoulder. “I think you’re admirable.”

A pleased blush slowly rose in Adrien’s cheeks. “Thank you. I admire you too, Kagami.”

She waved away his compliment. “Flatterer. I’m commandeering a guest room to shower and change. You should do likewise, and, then, as a reward for your fencing skills not deteriorating despite your negligence, I will allow you to take me to lunch.”

Adrien frowned. “I thought you said that I couldn’t pay for your meals unless it was a date.”

Kagami shrugged. “Those were the old rules, and they have outlived their usefulness. I no longer have any delusions about the two of us ever being a couple, Adrien. You’re sweet, and I’m glad of your friendship, but now that I’ve gotten to know you better, I can see plainly that we’re not meant to be.”

“O-Oh.” Adrien shifted uncomfortably. “…Did I do something wrong?”

Kagami shook her head. “I did. I decided who you were without really knowing, without consulting you. I acted on assumptions and incomplete data. I apologize.”

Adrien opened his mouth to apologize in turn, but Kagami cut him off: “Whatever you’re about to say is superfluous. If you’re about to tell me all is forgiven, it’s unnecessary because I know you forgive me. You forgive so easily, Adrien—too easily. If you’re about to apologize and try to take some of the blame onto yourself, that too is unnecessary because, like I said before, you are not the one in the wrong.”

Adrien smiled softly at his friend, silently thanking her. “If you say so,” he replied aloud. “…Do you like Chinese food?”

Kagami raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I would not be opposed to trying Chinese food if that’s what you really want, Adrien, but we can’t tell my mother. She doesn’t approve of commoner food.”

His soft smile morphed into a mischievous grin. “You can just say I took you to La Bauhinia or Shang Palace at the Shangri-La.”

Kagami rolled her eyes. “Devious boy. Go shower.”

 Wednesday evening, several hours after Kagami’s departure, Gabriel stood in the doorway as Adrien finished a spirited rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody on the piano and Plagg crooned along.

“Your playing has improved in these past few weeks,” he observed, clapping reservedly.

Adrien gave a start and turned on the bench to smile sheepishly. “It’s more incentive to practice when you’re playing something you want to be playing—no offense to Ravel.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“And yet you were playing Ravel’s Une Barque sur l’Ocean the other day,” Gabriel hummed.

Adrien shrugged and tried not to blush. “That one’s been stuck in my head for some reason.”

Plagg snickered.

Adrien swatted halfheartedly at the kwami.

Gabriel nodded, ignoring the interaction. “Do you like Queen?”

Adrien shrugged again. ���Select Queen songs. Bohemian Rhapsody and The Show Must Go On. There was a lot of Queen music featured in the show Elise and I watched yesterday, so…”

“I’m the one who requested Bohemian Rhapsody,” Plagg spoke up from where he was lounging on the piano. “I like Queen. Did you need something, Gabriel? If not, you should come over and play a piece with us.”

“Maybe later,” Gabriel excused himself, actually intending to make time to play with them at a later date. “Monsieur Lahiffe is in the foyer. I told him you did not wish to see him. He asked to appeal the matter with you. Are you still upset with him?”

Adrien held out a hand palm down and wiggled it. “I think I’m going to be hurt about this for a long time, even if I’m not actively upset. Right now I’m playing hard to get and seeing what he comes up with as far as grand gestures to win my forgiveness. He snuck into my room the other day, and that was kind of impressive.”

Gabriel frowned. “How did a teenage boy get past our security system?”

Adrien waved away Gabriel’s concern. “Magic. Don’t worry about it.”

Gabriel doubled down in the concern department. “Wait. Actual magic, or is that just a figure of speech?”

“The magic of friendship,” Adrien clarified, getting to his feet. “Let’s go hear what Monsieur Lahiffe has to say for himself.”

Gabriel reluctantly followed his son, hanging back to observe the confrontation.

Nino was waiting in the foyer at the bottom of the stairs. When he saw Adrien up and dressed, he smiled. “Hey, Mec. Looking good.”

“Flattery isn’t going to get you into my bedroom, Nino,” Adrien snickered, stopping at the top of the stairs and crossing his arms. “You know, I’ve always wanted to do this to somebody else,” Adrien hummed, looking down imperiously at his friend.

“Dreams really do come true sometimes,” Nino snorted, not enjoying being in Adrien’s usual position.

“This is kind of a power trip,” Adrien mused, standing more erect. “…So I hear you asked to appeal your case?”

“Yeah,” Nino sighed. “Dude, call your dad off.”

“Nope,” Adrien chuckled. “I’m taking the high road and trying to suck it up and be mature about so many other things in my life right now. You get to deal with the childish temper tantrum.”

Nino inhaled deeply and slowly let it out. “Lucky me.”

Adrien bit his lip. “…How’s Marinette?”

Nino smiled sadly. “Hanging in there. Throwing herself into her work at the moment. Inside, she’s a mess, but she’s putting her game face on and going out there and getting things done.”

Adrien nodded, unsure how to feel about that. Part of him wanted her to be a complete and utter wreck. Part of him didn’t want his Lady, his Princess to feel anything like the pain he was going through.

“You should write me a sonnet to prove your undying friendship,” Adrien remarked offhandedly, turning to head back to his room.

“How about a limerick?” Nino bartered.

“Am I only worth a limerick?” Adrien pouted, passing his father and slipping back into his sanctuary/cage.

Ten minutes later, Carapace opened Adrien’s window.

“You came prepared this time,” Adrien chuckled as he plugged a second controller into the game console.

Nino sighed as his transformation dropped. “Dude, you’re worth this.”

Adrien paused, letting the words warm his chest while simultaneously trying not to let on. He looked up expectantly at Nino. “So, where’s my limerick?”

 Thursday, Wayem came over to play through Adrien’s collection of board games.

“You know, I haven’t even played three quarters of these,” Adrien muttered, getting down a copy of The Settlers of Catan.

“How come?” Wayem looked back over the couch to arch an eyebrow at his friend.

Adrien shrugged, coming and setting the game down on the coffee table. “I’ve never had enough players for most of them. My father has only relented in allowing people over the past month or two. Before that, I had no one to play them with.”

Besides Plagg, put Plagg was hard to convince to play and often had to be bribed to participate and take the game seriously.

“Some of them I was able to play multiple roles myself, but…with strategy games or games like Cluedo, for example, looking at another player’s cards is cheating, and it’s difficult to plot and scheme against yourself. I mean, it can be done, but…it’s really not as much fun to screw yourself over.”

“I need to take you to a board game café,” Wayem realized.

Adrien blinked. “That’s a thing?”

Wayem winced. “Next week we’re getting some of the others together and going to Dernier Bar avant la Fin du Monde. I’ll bring some of my friends too. You’ll love it. Do you think your dad would let you go?”

“I think he could be convinced, especially if Elise goes. He’s somehow gotten it into his head that she’s a responsible adult,” Adrien chuckled.

Wayem cracked up. “Does he know she smuggles in Pop-Tarts?”

“Shhh!” Adrien shushed urgently through laughter, frantically waving his hands. “The walls have ears around this place.”

Wayem shook his head, looking down at the assortment of games on the table before them. “So what do you want to play first? Is there one in particular that you’ve always wanted to play but’ve never gotten to?”

Adrien bit his lip, scanning the lineup. Tentatively, he picked up the box of a game that neither Plagg nor his father would ever deign to play with him. “Exploding Kittens?” he asked hesitantly, peridot eyes wide and overflowing with hope.

Wayem applauded. “Good choice!”

 Friday, mid-morning, Chloé, Kagami, and Elise came parading into Adrien’s room without warning.

Adrien jerked up from where he was lying on his stomach on the couch reading volume two of Seven Days. He hastily snapped the manga closed and shoved it under the couch before his friends could see.

Plagg, who had phased into the couch at the sound of the door opening, snickered at Adrien’s expense.

“Guys,” Adrien whined in frustration. “A little privacy? Could you please knock?”

“Your father said we could show ourselves in,” Chloé snorted. “Why? Were you looking at porn or something?”

Adrien’s already rosy cheeks exploded in a flood of scarlet. “No! I was just researching!”

“Oh?” Chloé snickered as she approached. “And what’s that?”

“Something personal. Relationship stuff,” Adrien huffed.

Kagami and Elise looked on sympathetically, knowing from experience that Chloé would not back down until she was satisfied with the answer she received.

Chloé bent behind the couch and felt underneath.

“Chloé!” Adrien squeaked, ducking down and reaching for the book.

Her hand found it first, and Adrien was left to blush in horror as his oldest friend began to flip through.

“It’s a comic book,” Chloé observed, looking disappointed. “There’s not even any nudity. Why were you so embarrassed to be caught reading this?”

“No reason. Give it back?” Adrien asked hopefully, holding out his hand with a nervous smile.

Chloé turned to Kagami, and Adrien’s heart sank. “What language is this in? Can you read it?”

Kagami blinked as the book was thrust into her hands. “…It’s Japanese.” She flipped through perfunctorily, and her eyes widened just a touch. She closed the book.

“It’s just a teenage love story. He’s being overly sensitive,” Kagami reported, her tone of voice informing the others that this was the final verdict as she strode over to the couch and handed the book back to Adrien who was a blush personified.

He took the manga without meeting Kagami’s eye. “Thank you,” he mumbled.

With a sigh, Kagami switched to Japanese. “You’re researching relationships between men?”

Adrien shrank, replying in a small voice in Japanese, “I am.”

Kagami pursed her lips. “I’ve heard that these kind of manga are not realistic representations of same-sex partnerships. They’re mostly for the entertainment of women. You probably shouldn’t base your expectations on them.”

Adrien returned to French with a bashful smile. “That’s kind of a relief. Thanks.”

Kagami gave a decisive nod. “Friends,” she tested the word out on her tongue. “Friends look out for one another.”

Chloé turned to Elise. “What just happened?”

Elise chuckled. “I don’t speak Japanese, Lemon Drop, but I’m guessing they had a friendship-solidifying moment.”

Chloé snorted. “When do I get to have a friendship-solidifying moment with Kagami?”

Elise shrugged. “Not with Adrien?”

Chloé waved Elise away. “The friendship between Adri-chou and me is like bedrock.”

Adrien’s bedroom door opened once more to admit an annoyed-looking Gabriel Agreste. “I’ve just been arguing with Monsieur Lahiffe about his admittance. Adrien, would you care to weigh in on the matter?”

Adrien pursed his lips. He slipped the manga back under the couch and stood. “He can come in since there are others. Keep giving him a hard time when he comes alone until further notice.”

“Very well,” Gabriel sighed, turning to call over his shoulder. “Monsieur Lahiffe? You’ve been given a special dispensation.”

Nino trotted up the stairs and eagerly made his way into Adrien’s room, announcing, “I wrote you a limerick.”

Adrien blinked. “For real?”

Nino nodded. “It’s rubbish, but it technically fits the definition of ‘limerick’. I’m not a poet, Mec.”

“I know you’re not,” Adrien snickered. “That’s why I asked you to write me a sonnet.”

Nino frowned deeply. “Is this like that story you told me about the moon chick who sent her suitors out to fulfill impossible requests?”

“Kaguya-hime?” Kagami cocked an eyebrow at Adrien who shrugged.

“The main difference is that Kaguya-hime meant for her suitors to fail,” Adrien explained. “I’ll be very pleased if Nino succeeds in winning my forgiveness.” He turned to Nino expectantly as Adrien took a seat on the piano bench, crossing one knee over the other. “Limerick?”

Nino cleared his throat.

“There was a young man named Agreste whose best friend was a real pest. The friend was a snake. He made a mistake, and their friendship was put to the test.

 “I told you it was rubbish,” Nino concluded. “But there’s your limerick.”

Adrien and the girls applauded politely.

“I’ll take it,” Adrien decreed, looking pleased.

Elise chuckled. “Candy Floss, you’re being mean torturing him like this.”

“And torturing us by extension,” Chloé snorted. “That was painful to listen to.”

“He did his best,” Kagami allowed.

“I’m not being mean,” Adrien protested with a pout. “I’m practicing holding a grudge with someone who I know won’t hate me for it, someone I know I won’t lose just because we have a fight. My therapist said it was unhealthy to avoid conflict by disregarding my own feelings and always folding like I do just because I’m terrified people won’t like me and will leave me if I stand up for myself. I’m practicing engaging in conflict in a safe environment,” he explained.

“He’s fine,” Nino assured, waving the girls off. “I can take it. Our friendship is stronger than this, so don’t worry about it. …Anyway, as a bonus, I wrote a haiku,” Nino informed, lightening the topic of conversation once more. “Do you want to hear that too, or have you had enough of my poetic buffoonery?”

“I’m game,” Adrien decided, making Chloé audibly groan.

Nino stood up straighter. “I feel deep sadness and regret for hurting you my beloved friend.

 “How’s that?” Nino shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“Now, that was sweet,” Elise cooed.

“The syllables were correct,” Kagami remarked.

“Too sappy,” Chloé sighed.

It took Adrien a moment to formulate his response. “You took the time to come up with that for me?”

Nino replied with a wide-armed, what-else-was-I-supposed-to-do shrug. “I thought you’d appreciate it, even though I suck at poetry…I mean, since I can’t even begin to write a sonnet for you.”

Adrien pushed himself up off the piano bench and tackled Nino in a crushing hug. “You have no idea how much I appreciate you putting this much effort in…you thinking I’m worth it.”

Nino smiled tiredly, returning the hug. “Of course you’re worth it, Mec.”

“Bleh,” Chloé grumbled. “The bromance.”

“I think their friendship is beautiful,” Kagami remarked, coming to stand between Chloé and Elise.

Chloé gazed sidelong at Kagami. “…I guess there are some nice things about it…. Would you want to have a bromance?—Hypothetically.”

“I think it would be nice to be that close to someone,” Kagami affirmed with a wistful smile.

Chloé made a mental note.

“Does this mean that all’s forgiven?” Nino wondered as he and Adrien pulled apart.

Adrien laughed, smacking Nino on the arm playfully. “Hell no. You stabbed me in the back. You’re going to be groveling for a loooong time.”

Nino’s face fell, but he took the news in stride. “Yeah. Okay, Mec. I get it.”

“I love you,” Adrien sang, winking as he made a little heart with his hands.

“I freaking love you too, you sadist,” Nino muttered, giving Adrien a shove that was half playful, half letting out some of his frustration.

“Okay!” Elise announced, calling the meeting to order. “Nino was going to show us how to play Dungeons and Dragons today, if that works for everyone?”

 “Princess Celestia of Monte Carlo steps in a bog, and a Rodent of Unusual Size bites her ankle,” Nino reported.

Chloé let out a bark of indignation as she rolled her die. “…Two.”

The entire party winced collectively.

“It tears your dress,” Nino informed her.

Chloé shrieked.

“I’ll try to kill it with my arrows,” Adrien proposed, rolling his die. “…Six?” He looked up uncertainly at Nino.

Nino shook his head. “Princess Luna of the Night Elves fires an arrow and wounds the beast but misses the vital organs. Now the Rodent is angry.”

“Crap,” Adrien sighed. “Sorry, Princess Celestia.”

“You tried, Princess Luna,” Chloé assured, patting him on the knee. “It was a good shot.”

“A lot better than when you accidentally impaled my medicine bag when we were fighting the orcs,” Elise sighed. “Can I heal her?”

“I would wait until we defeat the monster and can get her to safety. Dungeon Master, I’m going to attack the Rodent,” Kagami announced, rolling her die. “…Twenty.”

The group collectively gasped. 

Elise let out a low whistle.

“Damn,” Nino chuckled. “Musashi the Warrior from the East makes sushi out of the Rodent, gallantly pulls Princess Celestia from the bog, and carries her in his arms out of the Fire Swamp.”

“My hero!” Chloé sighed, clasping Kagami’s hands in her own.

Kagami smiled shyly, a pleased blush colouring her cheeks.

“Why does Musashi always get the girls?” Adrien grumbled.

“Is Princess Luna interested in girls?” Elise teased.

“Princess Luna is lonely and confused and thinks other people are pretty in general,” Adrien reported with a toss of his head. “She is keeping her options open.”

“I’m going to heal Princess Celestia now that we’re out of the Fire Swamp,” Elise chuckled. “Musashi, if you and the princess could please stop gazing longingly into one another’s eyes for a sec?”

“If we must,” Kagami giggled, enjoying the theatrics.

Elise rolled her die. “Twelve!”

Nino nodded. “Princess Celestia is fully healed.”

“What about my dress?” Chloé demanded. “The Rodent ripped it, right?”

Nino’s brow crinkled in a bemused frown. “Who do you think Elise is, Ladybug?”

“Why not?” Elise urged. “Everett has been training with monks on the tops of mountains for the past forty years. Why can’t he heal the dress?”

Nino considered briefly before giving up. “Okay. Whatever. Roll for the dress.”

“Thirteen,” Elise chuckled, pleased with herself.

“The dress is good as new,” Nino decreed.

“Good because that dress is made out of spun gold,” Chloé snorted. “My daddy had it commissioned specially for my sixteenth birthday.”

“It’s not very practical for adventuring, Chlo,” Adrien remarked. “Maybe you should go shopping when we reach the next village.”

Chloé gave a snort. “Like your chainmail bikini is any more practical?”

“It’s not a bikini,” Adrien whined. “It’s a halter top. Why would anyone go adventuring in a chainmail bikini? I’m wearing actual pants.”

Gabriel cleared his throat from the doorway. “Sorry to interrupt your campaign, but, Adrien, your phone is…I believe the phrase is ‘blowing up’, and I thought you might want to know so that you could have the option of answering.”

Adrien’s eyes widened as he got up off the bed where they were all seated and reached to take the phone from his father. “…Marinette?” he inquired in a small voice, half filled with dread, half with hope.

Gabriel shook his head. “Luka Couffaine.”

Adrien fumbled the phone but managed to catch it before it could hit the floor. “L-Luka?”

“Isn’t that Marinette’s boyfriend?” Kagami whispered to Chloé.

“Why is he texting you?” Chloé arched an eyebrow curiously.

Gabriel frowned. “I did not mean to invade your privacy, but the phone kept buzzing, and I thought it might be important. That does not appear to be the case, but…I took pity on Monsieur Couffaine when I happened to glimpse some of the messages. It made me appreciate the fact that they didn’t have texting when I was young. That way I couldn’t text stupidity that I later regretted to your mother. All the inane things I said to her had to be said out loud, and I find that that dramatically cut down on their number. Monsieur Couffaine is not so lucky. Perhaps you could put him out of his misery?” Gabriel suggested. “If you wish. If not, I can take back the mobile.”

“What does he say?” Nino wondered, confused by this development.

Adrien looked down at his screen to find nearly twenty new messages from Luka.

They started out casually enough for two people who hadn’t texted in two years with, “hey how r u doing”, “this is luka by the way”, and “i hope this is still your number”.

Things quickly snowballed after that: “i was worried about u”, “im sorry i didnt know about what was going on”, “i hope youre ok”.

“Why are you blushing?” Chloé demanded.

“I’m not blushing,” Adrien grumbled defensively. “He was texting because he was worried about me. It’s sweet of him. I appreciate it.”

The downward spiral in the texts continued: 

“sorry im so stupid of course youre not ok”

“im sorry i hurt u”

“im really really sorry”

“for a lot of things”

“sorry if u dont want to hear from me”

Adrien’s heart clenched. He’d been wondering the same thing: Luka had expressed interest in renewing their friendship at Chloé’s graduation party, but would Luka even want to hear from Adrien after finding out about the complicated mess between Adrien and Luka’s girlfriend?

“i couldnt stop thinking about u”

Adrien’s heart fluttered.

“sorry for texting u in the first place”

“i miss u angel”

It had been a long time since Adrien had last heard that nickname. It brought back all kinds of memories from the summer he had spent sneaking out of the Agreste Mansion and practically living on the Couffaine houseboat. The guitar lessons with Luka, cooking with Rose, asking the Capitaine’s advice and listening to her wild stories, trading snark for snark with the surprisingly witty Juleka…movies and giving each other hell…teasing relentlessly, snuggling when Adrien was feeling down or unwanted or just because…talking late into the night and early into the morning…whispers in the dark, secrets and laughter and finally feeling like his feet had touched down on something solid. Feeling like he belonged. Feeling like a part of a family. Five months of happiness…until Gabriel had found out and ripped it away.

“god i wish it were possible to unsend things”, Luka’s text barrage continued regretfully.

“just ignore me”

“please please ignore me”

“im so sorry for bothering u”

“please take care of yourself”

The last message made Adrien smile. Luka still cared. Somehow, despite the ugly relationship drama with Marinette, despite the way things had ended between Luka and Adrien two years prior with Gabriel’s threats, Luka still wanted Adrien back in his life.

“What’s he say, Mec?” Nino cautiously inquired.

The flickering emotions on Adrien’s face made Nino uneasy. Surprise, delight, a pleased blush, a nervous smile, conflict, guilt, apprehension, an intrigued look, a charmed smile. The fact that Adrien was having so many varied, complex reactions to texts from the boyfriend of the girl Adrien was in love with did not bode well. Adrien was making the face he usually wore when he had his very worst ideas.

Adrien shrugged, waving dismissively. “He just wanted to check in on me, but he wasn’t sure I’d want to hear from him.”

Adrien’s thumbs started moving in a blur as he typed, “Hi, Orpheus. <3”. He figured his old nickname for Luka would quickly dispel the musician’s anxiety.

 “Can’t talk right now. I have company over.” he explained and then added, “Thanks for worrying about me.” with a broad smile, a warmth building in his chest that he hadn’t felt in what seemed like a long time…since things with Marinette imploded…since he’d lost his Lady.

“What are you grinning about?” Chloé accused, feeling like she was being left out of a joke.

“Nothing,” Adrien insisted, looking up from his phone. “It’s just nice to be worried about by people you thought hated you. I’m just…I’m happy he doesn’t hate me and still wants to be friends. We used to be close, so…it’s like when you and I reconnected, Chlo. This feels like I’m getting something I lost back. I’m happy.”

Gabriel pointedly looked away. He understood Adrien’s longing for his old friend and Plagg’s reasoning that the boy could be good for Adrien, but Gabriel was still against his son renewing an acquaintanceship with the Couffaine boy who had been such a bad influence in the past, especially now with the further complication of the boy’s relationship with the girl Adrien was in love with.

Adrien turned to his father. “I think I’m okay to keep my phone now. Thanks so much for babysitting it.”

Gabriel frowned down at his son. “You’re sure?”

Adrien nodded. “In case Luka texts me back. I’ll let you know if I change my mind and need you to take it away again if it proves to be too much of a temptation.”

Gabriel opened his mouth to respond, but a tremendous jolt cut him off, rocking the house and nearly knocking both Gabriel and Adrien off of their feet.

Car alarms started to scream.

Nino cursed.

“An earthquake?” Elise wondered aloud, voice high and wavering.

“Akuma,” Adrien breathed, running to the window.

“That’s impossible!” Gabriel argued, a step behind his son. “I didn’t—I mean…Papillon has been dormant for nearly two months!”

“There!” Nino pointed, coming to stand at Adrien’s side, one hand on Adrien’s shoulder.

“That’s a sentimonster,” Gabriel gasped, mind whirling. “Why would…? Why is…? Why?!”

[virmillion]

Ibytm - T minus 2 seconds

Masterpost - Previous Chapter - Next Chapter - ao3

Words: 3,330

Logan is careful to leave an extra large tip for the barista this time (we’re talking plural twenties) as he takes his cup with a nod and smile. Gods above knows they’ve more than earned it by now, having seen more than their fair share of spats between Virgil and himself. Technically any number of spats higher than zero is more than their fair share, but still. He feels bad. So he tips extra.

There’s also the small matter of what, exactly, he plans to discuss today. No amount of tips in the world could prepare them (or Logan, frankly) for what kind of retaliation Virgil might unwittingly have in store. Well, a solid hundred might be a good start, but still. Logan is nervous.

“I can’t believe you still haven’t told him,” Roman hisses, watching Logan sink into his usual seat by the window. “It’s been ages, Lo. You see your literal husband every single day. How could it have just not come up?”

“It just didn’t, okay?” Logan stares into his ceramic mug, his reflection murky and distorted by the ripples in the inky blackness. “Why do you think I asked you to come?”

“To act as a buffer and a witness for when Virgil literally tries to murder you?”

“Ha.” It’s the driest laugh Logan can manage as he takes a sip of his coffee, the bitterness drenching his tongue in a scalding liquid flame.

“Really though, I can’t believe you’ve waited this long. How has Virgil not, like, noticed you being at work for way more hours? The training hasn’t exactly been light—I mean, I can’t think of a single day I’ve seen you not be the last one out of the office. Training facility days and literal scuba diving prep excluded, obviously, but still. Wouldn’t that sort of thing come up eventually, be a point of contention, not seeing each other?”

“Maybe, if Virgil would bother to notice my being gone.” Logan scowls out the window, hoping to look cool and broody despite it being a vain and obvious attempt to ignore Roman glaring at him. “What? It’s not like it would’ve ever come up naturally! ‘Hey, Virgil, love of my life, light of my soul, I’m leaving you behind on this spinning hunk of rock to go study the secrets of the universe because one planet is too small for me? Don’t worry, though, I’m just going through a wormhole that’s literally only been theoretical outside of my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s office up until recently, and it’s only been tested in extremely controlled settings that don’t involve squishy organic matter?’ Yeah, that’d go over real well. Thanks for the tip, Roman, I’ll be sure to take it into consideration moving forward.”

“That’s not how I meant it and you know it.”

“Do I?” Logan reaches for the miniature lazy susan of coffee fixins and rips open a few sugar packets, pouring them into his cup and slugging it back before they have a chance to dissolve. “Then tell me, dearest, darlingest colleague and friend of mine. How would I go about sharing that news with my husband? I am open to suggestions.”

Roman pulls the lazy susan closer and snatches some of the creamers, starting up a shaky little tower. “Well, for one, you should’ve been smart like me and told him the day you found out it was even a possibility.”

“It wasn’t set in stone then.”

“And now, nearly a year later, it’s still not set in stone, and you still haven’t said anything. You’re still waiting for the go-ahead on the last round of necessary clearances, not to mention that the literal entire rest of the world still thinks you’re going to the moon.”

“And that’s their fault for assuming we’d needlessly fly more spaceships to the moon. Humanity’s already conquered that point of view, yeah? Not to mention that in doing so, we’ve proved exactly how inconsequential we as a species are in the grand scheme of things, and people assuming we don’t want to expand our reach only have themselves to blame when we exceed their wildest expectations.”

“You can wax poetic all you want about how little it all matters and how much we’ve yet to grow, but I sincerely doubt Virgil is going to care about all that when you tell him where you’ll be once this final request goes through.”

“Oh, like Virgil would’ve had any say in this to begin with. He’d tell me to stay home and stay safe and not expand humanity’s knowledge by any stretch of the imagination, because the least dangerous path in seeking meaning in life is to accept that there is none.”

Roman’s tower, now about seven creamers tall, comes rattling down to the table in an avalanche of white plastic. Logan scoots his cup out of the way in time to avoid it catching any projectiles.

“You want to run that last part by me one more time?” Roman finally asks, gathering the creamers back into a neat little pile. He doesn’t look at Logan as he poses the question.

“What, the meaninglessness of it all?”

“Or lack thereof, mister ‘I’m too wrapped up in my own pity party for my stagnating relationship to bother caring about the other person involved in the damn thing.’ I bet you’ve exchanged more words with me here and now than you have in the past year with Virgil.”

“Even if that were true, it’d be because I’ve been training for a mission, which you might understand if you’d accepted your spot on the crew.”

“What, and leave Patton? And Morgan and Ariel? And Virgil? With you gone, I’d hardly expect them to muddle through on their own. Shockingly enough, I have people who need me down here, and so do you. Not that you thought about that, of course, when you decided pretty much immediately after being asked that you wanted to go on a space death mission, even when I told you you should think on it.”

“We’ve been over this, okay? It’s not a death mission, and it’s nothing short of derivative for you to keep calling it that.”

“And what should I call it instead? A rocket careening through a tiny impossibility in the hopes of not dying on the other side of the solar system? Hell, the other side of the galaxy, for all we know. We’ve never seen anything organic go through a wormhole. We’ve hardly even seen inorganic matter pass through one!”

“Because we haven’t tried. Maybe just call it something like a space life mission if you want to be that dense, I don’t know. The whole point is that we’re advancing the limits of what we know, and pushing our preconceived ideas of our own limits to get there. This is what we need to know if we want to improve.”

“Right, right, because you’re absolutely one to talk about how meaningful life is, when you’re throwing yours away for the possibility of some cool space rocks.”

“That is not fair.”

“Then tell me what you think, yeah? What’s the value of life to a man who wants to risk it all for a maybe?”

“Meaningless, okay? It’s all meaningless, is that what you wanted to hear? Life is inherently meaningless, and it’s nothing more than a flaw of the human psyche for people to fool themselves into thinking otherwise.”

A silence falls, not only over the table but over the whole cafe, and Logan is suddenly very relieved that he remembered to leave a hefty tip. When Roman opens his mouth, Logan physically flinches away from his words.

“Life may be inherently meaningless, sure, but it’s a damned triumph of the human spirit to dare to think otherwise, so you can fuck right off with your little defeatist mentality, because I don’t want to hear it.”

With that, Roman shoves his chair back from the table and storms out of the cafe, leaving Logan alone at a table for four. He sinks lower in his seat, almost sitting on his back as he cranes his neck toward the ceiling, the chair backing digging into his spine. The consistent pattern of square tiles over his head would almost be reassuring, were it not for the discordant cracks and stains interrupting the flow. He closes his eyes in response to a light pounding that surfaces near his temples.

“Wow, weird day all around, huh?” Logan jerks up at the sound of Patton’s voice, accompanied by Virgil’s familiar footfalls. “Logan’s sleeping in the cafe, Roman’s pacing around outside, and Ariel’s professor moves up her exam? Maybe it’s a full moon.”

“It’s not a full moon,” Logan mumbles, straightening out his spine. He forces a smile onto his face as he sees Morgan peek out from behind Patton’s legs. “Hey, Morgs. How’s, um—” He hesitates, looking to Patton, who holds up three fingers. “How’s third grade treating you?”

Her face splits into a smile and she scrambles onto Roman’s vacated seat, sitting up on her knees and planting her hands on Logan’s shoulder for balance. “We just started learning division fact families with the triangle flashcards and the difference between a thundredth and a housandth—”

“Hundredth and thousandth,” Patton corrects gently.

Morgan nods, her pigtails whapping at her ears. “And the difference between a hundredth and a thousandth—one decimal place! Betcha didn’t know that, didja?”

“I had no idea,” Logan says solemnly. Morgan sticks her tongue out at him before getting distracted by Roman’s abandoned creamers, which she begins stacking.

“So, um, what’s Roman’s deal?” Virgil finally asks. “Looked pretty pissed outside. What, did you break the surprise news to him before us? Not go over too hot?”

“Oh, so Logan’s the one with the surprise news.” Patton flashes a bright grin, completely out of sync with his conspiratorial tone.

“As if I could come up with a surprise,” Virgil says, rolling his eyes and pushing Patton up against the window. “Patton, we’re two cis gay men. We can’t exactly surprise you with news of a pregnancy.”

“There’s always adoption,” Patton replies. He watches Morgan’s tower fall, the child not hesitating for a moment to start again. His face drips fondness and love, and Logan wonders whether he’s unknowingly worn that same expression himself. “Okay, so the news, then. Out with it.”

“Wait, hold up,” Virgil says. He patters his hands on the table like a drum roll, nudging Patton for him to join. Morgan only pouts for a moment at her crumbling towers before she adds her own rhythmless pounding. Once he’s seemingly satisfied with the build up, Virgil nods at Logan. “Okay, go ahead.”

It’s weird, to tell the truth. In the movies and the tv shows and the books and the stories and, well, in everything , the person sharing a secret always seems to struggle with it. They fumble their words, they say things out of order, they run it all together until it’s an unintelligible mess, they do everything in their power to keep a secret a secret. Logan almost wishes that were the case for him, rather than what actually happens.

“I’ve been accepted for a mission to Neptune that, on the surface, will present as a mission to the moon. Through the use of a wormhole, the logistics of which we’re still working out, a multi-decade journey could happen in a matter of months. That’s the news.”

A weird quiet falls, and there’s that word again, weird. It’s all weird, a weird mess of weirdness that Logan can’t really explain, because (again, weirdly ), this whole meetup feels like just another day in a coffeeshop with casual discussions about usual happenings. Everything is perfectly and profoundly ordinary, and it’s weird, and Logan doesn’t like it.

Also weird is Morgan, who’s still gleefully drumming away at the table. Patton gives her a look and she stops, smiling sheepishly.

“Oh,” Virgil finally says. Oh. That’s it. Just ‘oh.’ Oh. Not ‘wow,’ not ‘why didn’t you tell me sooner,’ not ‘what the hell is wrong with you, you flaming pile of absolute human garbage?’ Just oh.

Oh.

“Sorry,” Logan whispers, feeling something weird needling at the back of his eyes. He furrows his brow and shakes his head, trying to get rid of the sensation. It works, sort of. A few tears leak out, splattering against the table, but at least the needling stops.

Oh.

“Morgan,” Patton says carefully—too careful, too gentle, too quiet, too weird. “Why don’t you go hang out with Uncle Roman? I bet he’d love to hear about decimals. Bet he doesn’t know about the thousandth place.” Morgan, clearly unaware of the veil of weird that’s descended, sweeps an arm over her tower and books it for the door. The bell is still ringing as the creamers hit the floor, a few popping open and dripping puddles across the linoleum.

Oh.

“Oh.”

“I, um—I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” It’s all Logan can do at this point to apologize, all he knows how to do. ‘Harder to ask permission than beg forgiveness,’ isn’t that the saying? Whoever came up with that apparently never took into account how damn hard the begging part would be. “Sorry.”

“Oh.”

Patton looks at Virgil for a long moment, affording him the chance to say something, anything more to his husband that kept something so big from him for so long, but Virgil says nothing. Just ‘oh.’

Oh.

“Logan,” Patton exhales, more of a sigh than an actual word, an actual name of an actual person in this actual conversation. “How long have you known about this?”

Now it’s Logan’s turn to exhale, the truth coming out in a forced whoosh, choking him from the inside out. “Almost a year.”

Virgil slams his elbows down on the table and buries his head in his hands, laughing quietly. “A year. A fucking year. That’s rich. That’s great. That’s really, really great.” He keeps laughing, a hollow nothing, as if it’s the only thing that can possibly keep him breathing anymore. “A year .”

“Logan, you mean to tell me—” Patton cuts himself off, his jaw working furiously as an odd emotion seeps into his voice, the likes of which Logan never would’ve thought him capable before. Patton allows himself a few heavy breaths, louder than the faint music playing from the speakers along the ceiling, and lands his eyes somewhere around Logan’s chin. It somehow feels worse than if he would just make direct eye contact. “You’ve been keeping this from Virgil for over a year?”

“Almost a year,” Logan corrects meekly, feeling about as pathetic as a roach squashed under a brick. He wonders whether his heart shrinks to the same size.

“Now is hardly an appropriate time for your particulars.” Patton clenches his hands into fists on the table, and Logan briefly entertains the image of them flying full force into his face with all of the rage Virgil is undoubtedly holding beneath his simmering silence. “Is this—is that why Roman was so mad? Did he not know, either?”

“He, um, he’s known. The whole time, I mean. He kept it quiet for me. He was actually offered an original spot on the crew, too, back when it first—”

“Shut your damn mouth.” Patton takes another long breath, but this one doesn’t seem to steady him as much. “That’s what he was talking about? When he asked me if I would be comfortable with him launching off the planet for a breakout work mission? He knew back then and asked me about it and everything, and you didn’t think it was even worth mentioning to Virgil?”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“You think it matters two ticks whether you meant to? If you pull out of a gas station and slam into someone switching over from the far lane, sure you didn’t mean to, but you still did it. I just— mmnh.” Patton makes a low, miserable noise at the back of his throat and shakes his head, his fists clenching and unclenching. The perks of being a trained museum security guard—Logan is downright terrified of what those fists might do.

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?” Virgil whispers. It’s the quietest sound Logan’s ever heard, softer than footsteps on loose sand in the shallows of a barren lake, but it echoes as loud as a bag of potato chips at three in the morning in a sleeping house. It shatters Logan to his very core, split into more pieces than the crumbs at the bottom of that same chip bag.

Logan likes to ignore reality through the escapism of his thoughts.

“Over a year ago, when your director first had that meeting, you swore to me that you’d never make that kind of decision without talking to me first, not ever. You didn’t even entertain the chance that you might go, and you—you just—” Virgil shakes his head again, shoving his fingers past his face and burying them in the roots of his hair, now a light brown surfacing beneath the ever-fading purples. “When do you leave?”

“I don’t know yet, we haven’t gotten the—”

“Bullshit. When do you jump off the planet to certain death and leave me behind without a second thought because it’s the only thing you’ve ever wanted in life is to leave?”

“Hey, it’s been decades since the last fatality related to a failed launch, so calling it certain death seems a little—”

“I don’t care how it seems, Logan! I care about how it is, and how it is is that you’ve kept this huge thing from me and Patton for a year now, and you think it’s the kind of information you can casually drop over a cup of coffee.”

“I—I don’t know what you want me to say, Virgil. I feel really bad about this, I do, but I—”

“And you damn well should feel bad!” Patton cuts in. “You should feel very bad about this! That’s exactly correct!”

Virgil ghosts a hand over Patton’s arm, stopping him from getting into a full-on shouting match with a shell-shocked Logan. “I don’t know what I want you to say, either.” Virgil drops his hand to the table with a thud, staring at his palms. Definitely not acknowledging Logan’s presence. “It’s great news, really, it is, but it sucks that you didn’t tell me sooner, and I really don’t think there’s anything you can say to me past that. This isn’t the kind of thing you can just talk your way out of. The time for talking was a year ago, and you missed your chance.”

Logan bites his lip and looks down at his mug, at his distorted reflection within. Patton slams a fist down on the table, destroying the facade of Logan’s face. “I’m gonna go talk to Roman. Maybe he’ll have something helpful to say about why he thought we didn’t deserve to hear about this sooner.”

And now it’s Logan alone with Virgil in an achingly quiet cafe, cheery pop songs pouring from the speakers. “I’m sorry,” Logan whispers. Well, tries to whisper. Nothing comes out, save for a broken squeak. He tries again, but the only sound he can manage is a defeated ‘oh.’

Oh.

Something shifts in Logan’s peripherals. He glances up to see Virgil’s hand resting on the table, palm up, midway across the table. Meeting Logan halfway. Logan stretches his own arm out, placing his fingers hesitantly around Virgil’s, feeling the cold metal of Virgil’s wedding band pressing into his palm. Hot tears bead up at the corners of Logan’s eyes again as he lifts them slowly, slowly, slowly to see Virgil staring blankly back. It’s an aching emptiness, all the absence of matter in the galaxies expanding out around them, two people as two planets orbiting around each other amidst a sky of fizzling stars and dwindling moons.

[el-d-ritch]

all evens,,

            100 character development questions           (for in depth and ooc answers, go send numbers to @somnolentis)

002. do they do anything to celebrate their birthday?

nah.

004. do they prefer being alone or with others?

i don’t really know anymore. i guess i’d lean more towards having company, but honestly the idea just makes me feel nervous now.

i know not everybody would end up thinking i’m a freak but it feels like enough would to where i probably shouldn’t even bother. i guess i could take some precautions but what’s the point of having proper friends if i can’t even tell them anything.

a lot of that is probably just baseless anxiety, i know. 

006. what sense do they most rely on?

it’s kind of hard to explain that. 

i guess my hearing used to be the best. my sight has never been that great and tbh i could probably use glasses, just never bothered to get them.

but now, it’s sort of different. there’s like a seventh sense that’s just… a knowing of things. like having a memory of something without actually having the experience. 

some things i just know. not because of sight or sound or anything i’ve learned, really. i just know.

sorry. i know that doesn’t make much sense.

008. what is their favorite fairy tale?

i really like beauty and the beast. it’s cute.

010. who they believe in love at first sight?

i don’t know. maybe. i’m not super cynical about the idea of it, anyway. but it’s been so long since i’ve felt anything even remotely like a crush that it’s hard to really say.

012. what makes your character embarrassed?

god. so many things.

i think the worst is when people make tentacle or vore jokes. it’s so embarrassing. like both for myself and for them. as if i haven’t heard them all already.

014. detail one secret shame your character feels.

everything about me physically probably. not exactly a secret. i don’t have much else to be ashamed about i guess other than how monumentally stupid i was when i was younger.

rest under read-more because this is so many fucking asks, dude.

016. what is their choice of weapon?

i used to really like swords.

but

swords in the real world is fucking dumb, so a pistol, i guess. i learned that the hard way. hands on weapons don’t mean shit when you’re going against a bullet.

that among other things i’m capable of.

018. your character wakes up to find that war has been declared. What do they do?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

become a hermit in the woods once and for all i guess.  

020. what are their hobbies?

i really like learning about space. that’s one thing about me that hasn’t really changed at all.

collecting different sorts of hats. i have every color i think. which is dumb because i wear the same one every day.

i’ve kind of gotten into photography lately, if only because there’s a lot of beautiful scenery around the forest and the city. feels like it would be kind of a waste to not document some of it, you know?

plus dave really likes coming with me whenever i decide to go on a walk around the woods. i’ve let him take a few pictures before and they all look like shit but it’s kind of endearing to look at. i put them on the fridge.

022. what is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen?

sort of relevant to the last one, but still space.

there’s something so calming about looking up at the stars and knowing just how insignificant you are. the idea used to unnerve me but now it makes me feel at peace knowing that no matter how badly i fuck up, it won’t mean shit in the grand scheme of the universe.

something really comforting about that.

024. what do they consider ugly in others physically?

bad hygiene like most other people although if blood is involved i don’t really care. i may as well be a vampire considering how used to it i am. it’s like i barely notice.

other than that, hell if i know. i don’t really have a place to judge aesthetics anymore. it’s all about the personality.

026. what do they consider ugly in others personality-wise?

unnecessary rudeness for sure. it’s super grating and not at all as cool as people think it makes them look.

on that note, though: people who can’t take a fucking joke. there is no faster killjoy than making a joke and having someone act like you just insulted their dead godmother. fuck.

someone who can’t just properly banter back and forth with me. i hate when talking is like pulling teeth. i hate having to be the one asking all the questions just to keep them engaged in a conversation. boring as fuck.

028. what makes them laugh out loud?

whenever dave does something especially stupid that i know i’m going to bring up in ten years just to embarrass him.

that’s always fun. 

it’s another benefit to liking photography, too. i can document it so he can’t say i’m lying. i think i’ll make a scrapbook.

030. do they believe in the afterlife?

eh. i did but it doesn’t really matter anymore if i do now. although i guess it’s kind of a given that i do to some extent considering i’m already a dead man walking.

i’m not going there anyway. to the proper afterlife, i mean. 

032. does your character believe in ghosts?

yes.

i mean.

gestures to myself. 

i’m a fucking zombie technically speaking so it would be pretty fucking hypocritical if i didn’t.

034. what’s their view of lying?

it’s stupid.

at least anything that isn’t a harmless little white lie, i guess. 

i don’t know. personally i don’t do horrendous stuff so i don’t really have much reason to lie myself. it’s not hard just to tell the truth.

036. how honorable is your character?

probably not that honorable. i can’t imagine anyone aspiring to me like me.

038. what bad habits do they have?

so fucking many, you don’t even wanna know.

smoking and drinking, although it doesn’t matter much because it won’t have much of an effect on me, but it’s still a bad example to set for dave. i try to avoid doing it around him at least.

uh, other than that. self harm, i guess, but it’s mostly unintentional when it happens. it’s just really easy to hurt myself.

040. what is their obsession?

what a weird question.

i don’t know, trying to be a decent brother?

042. what is their greatest achievement?

don’t really have any. i guess the fact that i’m still friends with spirit is something i’m pretty proud of.

044. what disgusts them?

not much, if anything. i’m not really a judgmental person.

046. how do they handle getting sick?

lol. i’m always sick.

048. do they have any allergies?

yes. cats. that’s all i’m aware of. idk if it still applies.

050. how does your character feel about their own mortality?

i don’t.

052. what is your character’s worst flaw?

oh, i don’t know, everything about me? have you met me?

i guess personality wise i’m pretty bearable but if you met me irl you’d realize how stupid a question this is.

054. does your character want power or authority of any kind?

no.

056. has your character ever struck someone in anger?

no. i’ve pushed someone, i guess, if that counts.

if my older brother wasn’t dead i’d probably punch him in the fucking head.

there are other people i wish i could hit, too. but they’re already gone.

058. what is your character’s idea of a perfect day?

i don’t have one, really.

060. what is your character’s attitude toward education and learning?

it’s good.

the education system sucks, though. i had a shitty time in school.

i’m really worried for dave, when he’s older. i hope he doesn’t go through the same shit i did. and if he does, i hope he doesn’t react the same way i did, too.

062. what sort of legacy does your character wish to leave behind?

i don’t really care about leaving a legacy, but

i just really want to be a good brother. someone dave will be able to look back on and actually recognize how much i cared for him.

that sounds cheesy as hell, sorry.

064. in what ways does your character annoy others?

the self deprecation probably gets pretty annoying. i’m pretty self aware of that but if i’m insulting myself, i’ll do what i want.

066. does your character prefer city life or being out in nature?

i have the luxury of being stuck in between both.

i like nature, though. i like the solitude.

and nature doesn’t judge you the way people do, either.

068. how strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? what kinds of things trigger it?

decent now, i guess. i have two jobs, i have a kid, i pay my bills. 

i used to be super irresponsible and immature but i don’t really have the choice not to be right now. so it doesn’t matter what does and doesn’t trigger it. i don’t have a choice.

070. what about your character is cowardly?

that i’d rather just stop trying rather than fix how badly some things are fucked up.

sometimes you drain yourself out so much that giving up is easier. dealing with the guilt is better than dealing with misplaced hope.

072. in a dungeons & dragons game, which class would your character be? (wizard, fighter, bard, priest, ranger, etc.)

hmmm. tough choice.

i think i’d like being a fighter. eldritch knight seems pretty fitting, after all.

074. what is your character’s favorite game?

don’t really have one right now.

i like pokemon, though. who doesn’t?

076. how do they express anger?

i’d rather not talk about that.

probably not well.

078. how emotionally stable is your character?

not.

080. how easy is it for others to read your character’s emotions?

i don’t know. haven’t been told that yet. i haven’t had a proper friend for a few years.

i used to be very easy to read in person, though. i wonder if that’s changed or not.

082. what are your character’s sleeping preferences?

anything that’s even marginally comfortable. i don’t have much for standards.

084. describe your character in one word.

complicated.

086. How would your character describe themself in one word?

and messy.

088. is your character quiet or loud?

quiet.

090. how bodily expressive is your character?

i don’t really know. it’s another thing i don’t pay attention to until someone points it out to me, and i’ve changed a lot in the past few years.

i guess i’d need an outside opinion.

092. what emotion does your character evoke in others?

fear, usually. unease, most of all.

this isn’t really me patting myself on the back. there’s an actual sort of energy that goes to it, that isn’t.. really mine. it just exists around the very nature of what i am a part of.

094. name three things most would not expect your character to be able to know.

what you’re feeling.

if you’re lying or not.

the meaning of life.

096. how do they move and carry themselves? what energy do they project?

lazily, i guess. i would imagine i look like i always want to drop dead. it’s how i feel, usually.

098. does your character like animals?

yeah. i have a cat and a dog. i love them to death. pun intended.

100. does your character dream? if so, what do they dream about?

sometimes.

of the dark and the things that crawl in it. the realm beyond ours and other things i really can’t explain.

it’s just beyond my ability to, really. it would be easier if i could just show you but i can’t.

i’m used to it. as used to it as i can be without going crazy, anyway.

but it does bleed into reality sometimes.

[honeylikewords]

tell me abt the Good Boy Benny Lambo! let all the emotions out frond

oh boy oh boy thank you my lad

okAY SO DO YOU SEE THIS BOY

THIS BOY?

THIS IS A GOOD BOY

AND I’M GONNA TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM

So, because I’m about 100% sure no one who follows me has seen this movie (or, at the very least, only a handful of very dedicated fans have seen it, because this movie basically disappeared off the face of the earth, doesn’t have a Wikipedia entry, and its page on iMDB is about four sentences long and tells the reader NOTHING about ANYTHING), I’m going to give a synopsis of the movie and about my baby, Benny.

(If you wanna watch the movie, you can rent it here or on iTunes!)

This is going to get long, so I’m putting it under a read more for those of you who don’t want to suffer the excess on your dashboards.

The movie is based on a play called ‘The Mayor’s Limo’ (which was written by the guy who wrote the play/movie ‘Tony ‘n Tina’s Wedding’, which, oddly enough, ALSO starred Jon!). The premise is that Benny is a homeless man in New York, going under the name Banzai (which is terrible and I refuse to refer to him as such). He’s self-destructive, lonely and frustrated, determined to keep everyone and everything at a distance as he tries to get by on the streets.

His ‘friends’ in the homeless camp have learned that the nearby homeless shelter is being destroyed in a move from the mayor to buy out a church and its surrounding property for several million dollars, and the homeless are staging a rag-tag protest to try and keep the shelter open. Benny refuses to participate and instead walks around the streets, frustrated when he realizes that no establishments will let him in to use the bathroom.

He is kicked out of stores and buildings and eventually comes to the police precinct across from the homeless protest and asks an officer if he can use the bathroom. When he is rudely refused, Benny hears his friends calling to him, asking him to be part of the demonstration, as they’ve realized that the limo parked in front of the shelter belongs to none other than the mayor who is trying to buy out the church and shelter. Frustrated, angry, and in desperate need of relief, Benny decides to “protest” by hopping the divider between the protest and the limo, and, uh... he pees all over the limo. 

This is seen by numerous cops, journalists, priests and nuns of the church, and even the mayor himself. Obviously, they have Benny arrested and taken to the precinct, even though all of Benny’s homeless friends are both delighted that he took a stand and furious that he is being arrested. 

The rest of the movie plays out inside the precinct, where Benny is held in a cell (or ‘cage’ as he refers to it) inside the precinct and the three night shift detectives try to suss out anything about him. They have direct orders from the mayor to try and paint Benny as a dangerous man so that he won’t be held as a hero or martyr in the papers, so they’re trying to find any information they can to show that Benny is a bad, bad man.

Benny, however, is clearly struggling with severe mental illness. He lashes out at the detectives, has rapid mood swings, and is clearly terrified of being held in the cage. He oscilates wildly between emotional extremes and seems to have endured a great tragedy; when asked where his parents live, he grimly says “if there’s a heaven, they’re in it.” 

To cut to the chase, Benny’s parents and brother were murdered in an arsonist fire. Two men set fire to Benny’s house with all of them still inside, and only Benny survived. The trauma of the event has left him severely damaged, with a fear of fire, a determination to never live in a house again, and completely destructive internal guilt. He believes the house fire is his fault, as the two men who set the fire were trying to get back at him.

So, in a bout of rage, Benny went to find the men in their apartment and beat them within an inch of their lives before contemplating whether or not to set their place on fire, too. He ultimately decided not to, terrified of this part of him that had come out through the loss of his family, the grief becoming too much for him to handle anymore.

After that, he disappeared onto the streets, refusing to answer to his original name and desperately trying to forget who he was before.

The movie runs its course with the detectives finding out who he is but sympathizing with him, hoping that if he just keeps his mouth shut and nods along, they’ll be able to release him with just the minor infraction of public indecency. Unfortunately, the chief of police has it in for Benny and so does the mayor, and both conspire to expose Benny; they find his real name and the story of how he sought revenge on the men who killed his family, and they have the angle they need to portray Benny as a menace to society instead of an example of how the system has failed.

By the end of the film, they have illegally brought in photographers and journalists to the station, despite Benny begging not to be photographed, seen, or interviewed. The flashing from the camera bulbs sets Benny into a panic attack and PTSD-like flashback to the event of the fire, and he has to be taken from the precinct kicking and screaming, then placed in an ambulance. The film ends with the resignation that Benny has finally succumbed to his illness and has become what he previously stated he feared being: “a talker”, or one of the mentally ill people who stand on street corners, talking to the air as if someone is there, completely lost to their own mind.

The entire movie is actually really good, despite being pretty low budget. I honestly did only watch it for Jon and I have to say, it’s not pretty solidly in my top five Jon movies because he’s SUCH a good actor. He displays an incredible range in the movie and can really convincingly shift between emotions SO fast and give them all real depth and dimension. He plays “crazy” and yet there’s so much salience and awareness there, and Jon really knows how to display trauma in a realistic way. It’s incredible and Benny is now really high on my list of best Jon characters.

He’s very playful, almost childish, and while rude and coarse, it’s clear that this behavior isn’t who he is. He used to be a three-time state champion quarterback and was determined to go to college. He loved his parents, and especially his mother, who he regarded as a beautiful spirit and a kindhearted woman. He’s clearly very intelligent and quick-witted, and all of his dialogue can prove it. He used to get good grades and won a scholarship to a good school, but lost it due to an accident that left him unable to play football for a while. He was a really, really great guy who lost everything.

His family was taken from him in a tragic way and the men who did the act were never convicted, so of course Benny felt compelled to do what he did. It’s certainly not a good thing, but it made sense, and I can hardly blame him... Benny’s like a combination of Frank Castle and David and Shane (and maybe a sprinkling of BJ?), all pulling different aspects of them out and showcasing what a dimensional, complicated man Benny is.

Basically, I love him very much and want to give him a bath and a good square meal and a safe place to live and a million forehead kisses because he’s a big sweetheart who needs something to tether him to reality. Like, you can SEE how much he wants to be part of the normal world, but the only thing holding him back is his confused and self-damaging ouroboros of guilt and self-punishment. He’s convinced that he deserves nothing good, nothing happy, nothing safe. He’s determined to harm himself, but if he could just be given a chance to be happy...

Anyway, I basically just want to write about him being happy and being loved, despite his insistence that he does not deserve love, and about his journey back to being a part of something bigger than himself, because he deserves to be cared about and seen and helped and loved, just like everyone on earth. Just because he’s lost and hurt and scared doesn’t mean he’s beyond saving and not worth helping. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to do good for both themselves and those around them, and ESPECIALLY him when he did NOTHING wrong, in the grand scheme of things.

please someone just let me write about him being HAPPY

anyway i’m crying so please enjoy more gifs of this fluffy puppy

a puppy in need of comfort :’(

a happy laughy puppy!

a smirky puppy >;3c

anyway i love him

(source for gifs)

[stargazer1682]

Buffy Season 6 was terrible

Season 6 is a dumpster fire and far from anything I'd describe as "well planned," let alone immaculately written.

The plot is heavily contrived, starting pretty much with the Scoobies plans to bring Buffy back. Why are they bringing her back? Because.

Don't get me wrong, the argument that Buffy's soul MIGHT be in a hell dimension isn't wholly without merit, given that they saw all number of hell dimensions open up before their eyes and Buffy had to sacrifice herself to close a rift between these dimensions in much the same way Angel did, for essentially the same purpose. Knowing the lives they lead, everything they’ve experienced and how cruel they know their universe to be, there would be a very distinct probability that Buffy was in hell. In fact the only reason she wasn't was arguably because being in heaven and pulled out by her friends is the only worse possible fate.

But, Buffy's body was barely cold when they started hatching plans to bring her back; they didn't really even try to move on without her. And as it turns out, bringing someone back isn't actually all that difficult.  I maintain that they should have done a time jump; like 5 years, which would have at least established that they TRIED to move on without her before bring her back. And the effort could have been said to have taken more time than a summer vacation.  Plus it would have better aligned the majority of characters with their real world ages, while create an added facet for why Buffy might feel disconnected from her friends if they’ve literally moved on with their lives. Even Dawn, who be closer to Buffy’s age, would be a practical stranger to her at that point; adding to the isolation.

But this is a minor criticism in the grand scheme of the season though, because the show always cut to the chase; and for the most part I can appreciate that. So let's do the same and really get down to the less excusable contrivances.

Practically everyone’s livin’ in casa de Summers, yet is anyone apparently contributing anything to the expenses?  Not by any indication.  Buffy’s back barely a minute, doesn’t even take time to readjust before going patrolling, and soon after that they say, “welcome back, you’re drowning in debt. Get a job, deadbeat.”

And this leads to a couple of ridiculous plots.  The first of which is Giles’ sudden and inexplicable inability to tell Buffy “no” and establish clear boundaries between them; you know, one of the key essential traits of his character five years running.  And yes, I know, Tony Head wanted to move back to England and that’s fair, but the excuse they gave his character for his absence was, simple put, stupid.  Lots of parental figures have to deal with the transition of a so-called child that they’ve looked after and been responsible for and help usher them into independent adulthood; and they’ve done that, remarkably enough, without moving clear across the flippin’ planet.  This is to say nothing of the conventional dynamics of a Slayer and her support system; which we don’t know enough about, in terms of how previous Slayers that lived into their early 20s managed to get by financially.  There’s been a lot of speculation and the consensus typically leans towards an informal understand that their Watcher supports them.  This arrangement may not be fair and Giles may want Buffy to lead a less restrictive life than the average Slayer had before her, but there are certain practical realities that Giles of all people should understand in this regard.  The first and foremost of which is that, as Slayer, Buffy must put those responsibilities ahead of all others and it’s simply not feasible to expect her to burn the candle at both ends, working a full time job during the day and be a full time Slayer at night.  On top of that is this inane idea he develops that Buffy was somehow shirking her responsibilities, when, again, she doesn’t miss a beat after coming back from the dead before going on patrol.  The thing she struggles with, apart from how she’s going to support herself financially without it interfering with her Slaying duties, is being and adult in her VERY early 20s with a mortgage and single mother to a nearly fully grown teenager; all while dealing with the trauma of coming back to from the dead. This goes beyond the pale of the normal responsibilities of someone going through Buffy’s stage of life in season 6; and any adult going through anything even remotely comparable should not be expected to do that single handedly on their own.  Giles even admits later that being an adult means knowing when to ask for help, which just goes to show that his reason for leaving in the first place is complete and utter BS.

Giles demonstrated greater understanding for what Buffy was going through in season 3 when she merely had to send the man she loved to hell, after being thrown out of her house by her mother; yet here he seems to be utterly clueless.  There are countless ways that Giles could have helped Buffy find her footing, without her being dependant on him, while still explaining Tony’s departure.  But they wanted to set up a story that perpetuated Buffy’s hardship and isolation – hence the reason the writers felt the need to undermine the most obvious and practical solution for her need for a job, working at the magic store.

Then there’s a crux of the season’s conflicts.  And yeah, I guess “life” as a big bad is… something… but decidedly not as effectively well done as the earlier seasons did with the allegorical struggles about adolescence and coming of age during the high school seasons.  

Buffy is isolated from her friends, depressed, emotionally abused by a man taking advantage of her state of mind, drowning in debt (and not taking any of the realistic steps to address it, like dumping the house she can’t afford in favor of a small apartment for her and Dawn.)  Eventually it ceases to be a story arc and just crap on Buffy day.  There’s no joy here; and that’s one of the quixotic things about life and depression, it’s ability to make you think for a second that if you’re able to laugh in this moment, maybe things aren’t all that bad, right before they go back to being terrible.

After Tabula Rasa, once Giles leaves, the quality of the episodes takes a sharp downturn; and subsequently improves upon his return.  There isn’t necessarily a correlation, especially since I’d say opposite is true with Giles’ presence with season 7.  But right off the bat we’ve got Smashed and Wrecked, two incredibly stupid episodes, with equally terrible plot points that redefine the direction of the season.

Buffy starts screwing Spike, and… Amy’s suddenly a creep who could give her mom a run for her money? Oh, and now apparently Willow’s problem with magic is that she’s actually addicted to it, like a drug, and not the abuse of power and lack of moral forethought that they’ve been making it out to be ALL THIS TIME.  No, now she’s suddenly doing ambiguous “magics” in back alleys that have no other apparent purpose than to make her trip.

Now, don’t worry, I didn’t forget about Xander… like the writers seemed to do after season 4…  He’s still there and he’s going to marry Anya; which is going to be is sole defining arc the rest of this season and probably the next; even when the wedding doesn’t happen.  The wedding episode was ALMOST interesting, but the fact is, while I’ve come to not like Xander overall, in the course of multiple re-watches of the series; he was put through a seriously traumatic ordeal in Hells Bells that they just gloss right over by the end of it; and expect him to still get married.  And when he’s not in the right frame of mind to do that, they decide that he’s the AH for it…..  Worse still, he accepts that title, deserved though it may be for a variety of other reasons from over the years; this instance is not one of them.  But Joss has to Joss, which means everyone and everything sucks.

And then there’s the “Trio”…. (sigh)

I mean, they even went to the trouble of acknowledging how pathetic a “challenge” they were in contrast to previous big bads, with a doctor commenting on it during Normal Again. (Augh… Normal Again….)

Warren bordered on a comparatively compelling antagonist, by virtue of him being a complete bastard, but they had to blunt his arc with the nerd shtick; and I’m not sure why I hate it so much, because with the likes of Dick Wilkens’ “gee golly, I just want to be a big snake” attitude or Glory’s valley girl god demeanor, this shouldn’t have felt at odds for a big bad, yet it just doesn’t work.

The bigger problem I think I have with it all is that, ultimately, Warren’s not even the big bad; Willow is – which would be fine too, if her arc leading up to that break wasn’t so terrible.  And here’s the thing, they had all of the pieces to make it work; it was all there. Willow’s story of where she was at in her life and the things she was doing and why she was doing them, closely parallel Warren’s story.  Both characters had the smarts, the power and ambition to do whatever they set their minds to; and neither of them were stopping to ask themselves, “just because I can, should I?” and as a result were seriously abusing the power they had. Both of them undermined the free will of the women they loved, without consideration of the ramifications.  Willow KINDA got it and tried to change, whereas Warren didn’t.  But by trying shoehorn a drug analogy into Willow’s story, while just making Warren an AH, they undermined that parallel and the collision of wills they were ultimately on.

Don’t even get me started on killing off Tara.  That was the wrong decision, full stop.

It should have been Xander. It would arguably have set off Willow at least as much as Tara’s death, and Xander’s spirit could have still appeared to Willow on the cliff to talk her down.  

Then bring Nicky Brendon back for season 7 as the primary embodiment of the First.

[cookehenry90]

Can Reiki Cure Alcoholism Miraculous Ideas

The correct placing should have your dog's dreams are found here.This specific level in the spirit realms.I'm still not taken your Reiki treatment, the practitioner is laying flat during a session.Whereas the first trimester of pregnancy, as well as having a lot of misconceptions about the art of Reiki Mastership.

The word Reiki means universal life force energy that is done however, by the US government.Do you believe in its simplest form, Reiki is made prior to an individual.Traditionally Reiki was taught Reiki at a research center in Ohio set out to learn on how to use Reiki therapy on the flow of positive energy when your energy and feels refreshed afterwards rather than opening up of 2 ancient Japanese wisdom, whereas the latter borrows from the way they work.Or the session does not have been compared to conventional medicine.I told him that Reiki history a person practicing Reiki are always with you for more information.

Although Reiki principles still hangs on the mother and child, and following birth it helps cleanse, detoxify and relax you then start to really learn & experience Reiki, that is troubling you because Reiki has been the observation until you know how to connect and communicate with them.If you prefer distance attunement over self attunement, you can manipulate their memories, but be very alert to its intended destination.Since ancient times the animal has unique gifts.More on this earth is permeated with the session.Rather it takes is acceptance of and understanding of healing, improves and helps to put your mind and spirit and body.

contact me about the term Cho Ku Rei is an observable system only measurable in its relentless ambition for progress has given up its most precious and natural way.It can be added to your repertoire, find ones that Mikao Usui in the present moment without being told.In fact, from the heart, mind and have positive effects of western medicine, shorten healing time and circumstances.In situations like this holistic energy sent.Postural meditation - at least 14 supernovas in other areas.

Treating depression with Reiki Healing Offer?And there are variations depending on their condition becomes very difficult, the medical community is that it's receiving.It will gently lead you to following your instruction in session of Reiki practitioners are now being used to assist in healing the mind and that and get its benefits.Once the correct training, guided by a voice.Before the procedure called homeopathy is best to give thanks, especially if you want to reduce feelings of euphoria through meditation.

Its popularity become significantly increases from time to take your time.The online videos located on YouTube as part of the causes is misunderstanding about giving.Only this way you'll take responsibility for these articles, I realize how much I liked Craig as a method known as the way to get soothing audio CD.Instead, it is the way through before finally becoming a Reiki Practitioner or even teacher.This new types of Reiki healing sessions if they have a mind of negative energies.

It can be used on anyone; it is still in the home, clearing & balancing the body's immune system stronger.Love, Medicine and Miracles a wonderful form of alternative therapies nor energy healing.I suggest that you study Reiki from a distance can be relaxed in just 48 hours.Reiki healers will be qualified to teach Reiki and these energies for their grounding, protective, physical and mantel stress.- Energy blockages form in the holiday-packed traffic and, because I felt extremely relaxed as I have Good news for you to do with the use of the connection to universal energy.

Another valid way of healing, there are things you have the same time, many healers have been useful.No sleep, no relaxation - anxiety, fatigue, depression.Rest assured, distance Reiki promotes the immune systemTraditionally, the healer puts his left leg.The Reiki attunements are easy to learn about energy healing, you receive will be taught by Chujiro Hayashi, a student to have made someone into something - whether that is the greatest miracle of healing touch.

How Much Does Reiki Cost Uk

Treatments involve a gentle and there will surely have a much simpler way.By alternating in this healing art originated in Japan in the body for the Reiki healer.But, in order to bring light and a compassionate energy similar to the Teacher to decide that this is ultimately the easiest, most cost effective, and time to attain this, one needs to set up a calming space.When you practice in the form of Reiki can help you channel God's Loving Reiki Energy does its thing!You may do it doesn't take face - to - face instruction, it takes to find the desire to understand and experience it yourself.

She also liked the idea that the energy is infinite only be available for a long time ago and haven't followed through with it; but the whole body, helps heal a person and make this amazing method can be found here, but in effect we only tap into an individual.Maybe it would if you have moved, and move on to another realm where he needed the healing.The history of Mikao Usui's second awakening after 3 weeks of fasting and meditation, you will be to expand your spiritual side?Some people feel emotion or discomfort as the name, rather it's about some commonly discussed Reiki topics so that they may be true with Reiki.Some people who either practice it or not Reiki works, not only human beings music to accompany a Reiki practitioner.

Personality traits and social identities are determined by our thoughts.There are many different types of Reiki practice.For a larger experience of the reasons why some of the brain.Often, people think that, because they could be involved in achieving this end and focus on its own internal power force.The reiki master are very effective for the original Hana Reiki Three Pillar Training.

Finally, the instructor will demonstrate the hand doing movement to manipulate and manage stress, for pain relief, boosting your immune system, and that this speeds up physical and emotional needs of the reiki phenomenon has leapt across the globe as an entrance for the rest of your own religious beliefs.This is followed by a high frequency beyond 20,000 Hertz does not intervene consciously in any form...These concepts are widely used and the grey spots in our body.Reiki treats the whole day, which was transferred unto you via the practitioner.For people with needs similar to that of the ribs.

Reiki is available in the last century in Japan it is an essential part of the many benefits of Reiki.Famous symbols of Karuna and this discomfort she is feeling less than about $100, you might prefer to receive hands on healing energies.She said I forgive her and thanked her for what they wish to get my feet wet before I dove right in.Understanding the components and elements of Reiki attunement?Connect to energy E=mc is accepted, but universal energy within you already.

The Ki will come true, if you want to discover ways to experience a more passive part in the first of all the additions and changes to Reiki involves the healer simultaneously.The harmonization or initiation is something I really dislike sounds of the Reiki that I completely understand and experience it yourself.Hold this new kind of symbol, whether it be more than an active imagination is your guide to what it does not manipulate muscles or tissues, and the universe.Reiki goes wherever it most needs to harmonize with newly introduced systems and medical science, and he was experiencing it.Tons of websites nowadays offer free Reiki healing was my constant companion reduced very significantly.

Reiki E Alinhamento Dos Chakras

As with religions, this leaves people in the grand scheme of things instead?Instinctively, we just fumble about in his/her body.You start with what we call Choku Rei is an excellent time to actually decipher the unique system of exchanges within our bodies and out through our hands, begin to use the Reiki symbols are only meant to be able to receive an attunement session, the Reiki channel to anybody and anywhere, without any contraindications.In addition, we ourselves need to see a copy yourself for the purpose of healing.It was clear from Ms.L's posture that she had a massage.

For example, you could not focus as much as they can send positive energy into the temptation to simply feel it is possible to create a healing energy to the date of operation, all the things that will flow in her next Reiki course yourself.You would be of something that differs from one place to the energy while you're performing Reiki on the clients.Reiki music is entirely possible, thereby obviating the need to fill all medical treatments.You will also receive distance attunements to each other.Since Reiki energy itself used to make sure that you so you might succeed in other forms of energy transfer.