#in january and most february i spend more time drawing than sleeping and that was a fun realisation

[regular-gnome]

Hello, I would really like to know if you have plans to make some comics telling a little about the history of archivists when they were children. I would love to know what their relationship was like with mortals and their experiences, in fact, I love their art🫶

Yeah if its something anyone is interested in:> been pretty much using asks as drawing prompts for a while, iiits kinda why they take a while But in any case, they were around for a long time and met diffrent mortals. Their general approch to mortals significantly shifted since the first archive was established comapared to the point of they are at now in the story. There were places in diffrent eras, many mortals that are gone longer than they were around but left some impact on their worldwiev and some just reinforced it. I probably wont do a very long thing around it since I really want to finish the titan storyline but some shorter comics or illustrations of them sure

some young Architect and Curator sketches

[chocodile]

2023 was certainly the year of the rabbit. I felt like I didn't do as many ambitious pieces this year as I would have liked.... lots of sketches... lots of sketchy comics, which certainly count as ambitious, but don't really flex the art muscles the way full rendering does. I also spent a lot of time working on offline stuff and crafts which often required weeks of work to complete.

In the end, there were more big pieces than I remembered. Even January/February/March, which were pretty crummy months for me, still got some cool art made during that time. (Ironically, the "Sleep with One Eye Open" piece shown for March was both "vent art" expressing the massive amount of stress I was under during those three months and my most numerically successful piece on Tumblr this year.)

But I'd still like to do more experimental stuff in 2024. I miss working with the zany colors and the more abstract psychedelic cartoony style that I feel defines me as an artist... you can see it here and there this year, but much of my output was more directly representational.

Overall, 2023 was a year that challenged where my life priorities were (in a mostly positive way) and did bite into the amount of time I could spend drawing, but I'm still happy with what I made this year and happy with where I'm going creatively. I enjoy that I'm doing more story/character-driven stuff again and feel way more engaged with my own work than when I was doing more one-off pieces, even if those one-off pieces were "better".

Here's to a good 2024!

[ethan-torchio-angelo]

Oh, love

Summary: It takes a year of trial and error, of love and heartbreak, for the two to finally realize there's no one else they'd rather be with. Or in which she becomes they're photographer for a summer tour and falls in love with the dark haired drummer.

Word Count: 10.3k

Warnings: swearing, angst, sexual content

A/N: I just want to say a huge thank you to @ethanesimp for proofreading and hyping this fic up, thank you so much amore! This is the first piece I've written for any of the members of maneskin, and also the longest thing I've ever written! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

January

It’s a call in the middle of the day that begins it all. She’s been in a shoot all morning, running around snapping photos of a wanna-be teen idol. She’s been here many times, being hired to do promo shots for someone who never makes it farther than this. But this call, she knows it’s different. She’s heard the name, seen some videos, she knows this won’t be like the rest. She’s instructed to clear her schedule for the week and to be in Rome by the end of the day.

The cold air hits her as she leaves the building, suitcase and camera bag in hand. This is the moment she’s been waiting for since joining the company, the chance to become a permanent fixture instead of hopping from gig to gig. She’s told that they requested her specifically, that one of the band members saw her collection from a festival last summer and was dead set on booking her for their summer tour. It’s all new to her, the feeling of being the first choice and not second best. She barely hears anything that’s said on the plane by their manager, too busy trying not to freak out.

It’s only a few hours plane ride, but it feels like a lifetime. Thoughts run wild in her head as the seconds tick by, she can’t remember the last time she’d been this excited, or nervous, for something. She’s greeted by more people from their team as she steps off the plane, and is quickly ushered to the villa they’ve been staying in. She barely has time to process the beautiful new city she’s in before she’s hidden by walls of an even more beautiful place.

They give her time to relax and unpack, but clear instructions to not leave the property without security. Things have been crazy, she’s told, since their winning last year fans have become more clever with their tactics. She laughs at some of the stories, but heeds the warning all the same. She’s seen quite a few things that have shaken her to her core, so she knows to be careful and wary.

Music floats through the halls and into her room, the band practicing on the other side of the villa. The music fills her veins with a feeling she can’t quite place, but it’s a welcome humming that gets her blood pumping. She grabs her camera and follows the melodies, laughing at the jokes thrown around in english whenever someone messes up. She angles herself behind a corner just right where she can take pictures while still being hidden from the band.

Her heart races at the scene in front of her. It’s a family like she’s never seen. They all seem to orbit around each other, pushing and pulling each other into their atmospheres. She watches Victoria dance around the room, bass in hand, strumming the lines to an old song. Thomas lays on the floor with a notebook reading off words, Damiano repeating them as he draws on eyeliner. And Ethan, who sits at his drum set, twirling the drumsticks in his hand as he observes the scene before him.

She captures picture after picture of their dynamic, taking the most of Ethan, who seems to have a magnetic pull to him. She only pulls herself from the moment when she’s spotted. “Sai, qualcuno chiamerebbe questo strano comportamento.”

The words are warm against her ear, and she jumps at the unexpected presence. She turns around, laughing to hide her embarrassment, trying to translate the words in her head. She freezes when she sees it’s Ethan, trying to figure out when he slipped away from the rest of the group.

“Ah, niente italiano. Er, it’s unusual, what you are doing.”

Another nervous laugh leaves her lips, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be creepy. There’s something about the way the group is when no one is watching, it’s hard to ignore, it needed to be captured.”

He smiles at that. It’s soft and warm and she feels as if the world has stopped spinning. A song plays between their hearts as a silence falls over them. There’s a beauty about him that makes it hard to focus on anything but him.

A series of crashes followed by loud curses in Italian breaks the spell that they were under and Ethan pulls himself away from her to go and manage his friends. She uses this moment as an excuse to slip away and tour the rest of the house, ending in the kitchen where dinner is being prepared. She snaps a few photos of the chefs cooking, already envisioning the blog post they’ll go along with.

When everyone has made their way to the dining room a toast is made; to new adventures, to new friends, and to family. Sweet wine and light rain makes the time pass faster and the evening flows into night easily. The group parts only moments after midnight, long days ahead calling them to catch up on sleep now.

The month flows by with days and nights blurring together. It seems the studio is really the only place they call home, spending every waking moment in the room that houses their instruments. She stays with them through the long hours, snapping photos of the weird things they get themselves up to. Her hard drive slowly fills with collections of each band member, ones for the public eye and ones she sends to them to make them laugh.

The end of the month brings a party, something small to celebrate sold out tour dates. A night out to a local bar and far too many drinks. She dances with Victoria, who has become her best friend in the few weeks she’s been with them. Damiano and his girlfriend are not far away, but much more caught up in their own world. Thomas has disappeared somewhere, no doubt warming someone's bed for the night. But through all the commotion, she can’t stop watching Ethan.

He’s sitting at a table nursing the only drink he’s had that night, planning to take on the role of babysitter at the end of the night once everyones had too much to drink. He drums his fingers on the table, following the beat of each song that plays. He seems lost in his own world, content with being by himself. She moves away from Victoria, who easily finds another partner, and makes her way to the table.

“Sembri solo,” the words fall from her lips quietly as she takes a seat beside him.

He smiles at her, “Seems your little lessons are paying off.”

She blushes at that, not realizing he’d picked up on her daily lessons with their English tutor. “Only enough to not seem like a tourist.”

A small chuckle escapes his lips, and she wishes she could bottle the sound.

“But don’t change the subject. Tonight was about having fun, celebrating a big accomplishment. Yet you’re sitting here alone.”

He sighs at her insistence, “Sometimes we don’t need to celebrate everything so publicly.”

Something pulls at her heart. She can’t imagine having such a public life, but she understands how it must feel to never have anything to yourself. Before she knows what she’s doing, she places a hand on his arm and gives it a reassuring squeeze, a light tingle shooting between the two of them.

She pulls her hand away quickly, a small blush forming on both their cheeks. He offers her a small smile to make the moment less awkward, and she returns it.

The night ends not too much later, the rest of the crew having decided that warm beds would be much more comfortable than the crowded bar. She helps Ethan herd their friends home, laughing along with him at their drunken antics. Victoria jokingly calls them mom and dad as they help her to bed, and the blush that was plastered on her face earlier that night makes a second appearance.

It’s almost morning by the time she makes it to her own room. Ethan isn’t far behind her, realizing for the first time tonight that they share the same hallway. “Buona notte,” comes his voice from down the hall.

She turns to face him, catching herself stuck in his stare. She can’t quite place the look in his eyes, but it gives her butterflies all the same.

“Buona notte.”

February

February brings more time in the studio and less time outside the walls of the Villa. While winter in Rome is not like the ones you’d experience in colder places, it still brings a chill to her bones. She steals one of Victoria's sweaters after a night spent lounging under the stars, a small break from a busy schedule.

A fire had been lit and a bottle of sweet wine was making its way around the group. She’d set her camera aside for the evening, planning on enjoying a night without the calls of work. She doesn’t know when it happens, but suddenly she’s swaying to a drunken beat in the arms of Damiano who can’t stop giggling at her two left feet. The man had not believed her when she said she couldn’t dance, but was now biting his tongue as they moved around the courtyard.

As the night seemed to come to a lull, a game of truth or dare was proposed and all were in agreement. She finds herself sitting beside Thomas on the floor as Victoria begins the game, a stupid dare aimed towards Damiano that earns him a new haircut. The night drags on in a flurry of laughter and silly dares. By midnight half the group is wearing someone else’s clothes, and the others have barely any on.

She’s moved to be sitting by Ethan, who has an arm casually draped across her shoulder. It shouldn’t feel so electric, his skin touching hers, but it does and it’s the only thing she can focus on. Her heart feels like it’s almost beating out of her chest and the blush on her face isn’t caused by the alcohol in her system.

Damiano is the first to notice her situation, and starts poking fun at her whenever it was his turn to ask her something. It started off innocent enough, small questions aimed towards her love life, but it soon caught the attention of Thomas who was the first one to issue a dare towards the girl. This was how she’d ended up sitting beside Ethan, cuddled into his side. Ethan was oblivious to the things going on around them, until Victoria dared her to kiss him.

It seems as though time stops, the laughter fades and the silence becomes deafening. She turns towards Ethan, a mixture of panic and excitement painted on her face. He smiles at her, “We don’t have to, amore.”

“A dares a dare.” She shrugs at him.

A round of cheers raises up around them as the two lean in. It’s meant to be only a small peck, something good enough to count in the eyes of those around them. But as she goes to pull away his hand reaches up to tangle in her hair and he pulls her closer. Their lips meet again without any hesitation and it’s like the world lights up around them. Blame it on the alcohol, but if she were to die right now she’d be happy.

They pull away a second later, a small laugh leaving both of them, chests rising at an unsteady rhythm.

“Awe, they’re blushing! How cute!” Comes the voice of Damiano, further pulling a blush from the girl.

She grabs one of the pillows beside her and aims it at his head, laughing when she misses terribly.

The night fades into morning and they all climb to the roof to watch the sunrise. It’s a moment she wants tattooed in her memories forever. She’s got her arms wrapped around Victoria and the three boys huddle around them, alcohol still flows through their veins and they’re all singing different versions of the same song.

March

The beginning of spring in Rome is magical. Flowers start to bloom, mornings are coated in a light dusting of rain, and clothing starts to become less of a necessity. She takes photos of the band trapezing the streets. The Villa studio has become too familiar, moving instead to a studio in the city.

By now, a routine has been put in place. Mornings sipping coffee and eating fresh pastries while she laughs at the varying states of wake the band is in. Afternoons in the studio, recording their new album while she collects photos and videos for their ‘making of’. Evenings spent in restaurants and bars, eating some of the best food she’s ever had, and she swears she’ll never eat anything better.

She’s never fallen in love with a city like this before. Maybe it’s the city, or maybe it’s the people she’s with, but she swears she never wants to leave. It suffocates her in the best way possible, the feeling of being home. She hopes that when the tours over and her contracts up, that she’ll move here, maybe even keep these people she’s grown so close to in the past few months.

She’s thrown out of the daydream by Thomas yelling at her in a mix of italian and english for not paying attention. It’s the middle of the afternoon, they’ve taken a lunch break at a restaurant down the block, and Thomas is expressively telling a story. His hands are in the air and he’s almost knocked his wine glass over too many times to count.

Damiano sits across from her, fiddling with her camera, snapping his own photos that he presents to her proudly. She laughs at every one, but never discourages his actions. Victoria is on her left, Ethan on her right, both vying for her approval as they argue over something. She’s overwhelmed by the different directions her brain is being tugged, but the hand that snakes its way into hers calms her.

She looks down to see Ethan rubbing his thumb along the back of her hand, a soft smile grazing his lips as they make eye contact. She returns it, whispering a small thank you to the boy.

That night, she lays in bed, in the room she’s begun to finally call hers, thinking of the boy with stars in his eyes. She doesn’t know if it’s feeling like she finally belongs somewhere, or the wine that still coats her veins, but there’s something about him that she wishes she could become a part of. She wants to wrap herself in it and never leave. She’s falling for him, hard. Vaffanculo.

April

It is Victoria's birthday and everyone has decided that she must be princess for the day. Ethan and Damiano have been up since dawn making an extravagant breakfast, something that should be put in a five star restaurant. Her and Thomas had disappeared shortly after waking, returning with a stack of presents that was almost as tall as him, and the best bouquet of flowers she could find.

After decorating the patio with anything and everything they could find, it was a mad dash to Victoria's room to wake her up. She protested, claiming that sleep was more important than being awake, but at the mention of presents she was the first one out of the room.

It was a morning of happiness, and a much needed break from their hectic schedule. She recorded the entire day, from the dramatic wake up call to the celebratory sparklers that were set off that night, it was all captured.

After breakfast the princess requested a trip to the beach, and no one would dare refuse her. They found something private, a little hidden oasis an hour's drive from the villa. They spend hours there, switching between swimming and laying in the sun. She finds herself alone on the sand with Ethan at one point, watching the others like proud parents.

She tries not to think about how close his body feels to her, how she can feel the heat his body is radiating seeping into her, the smell of his body wash. He’s invading all of her senses and she’s trying so hard to focus on anything but him. “Let’s go on a walk?”

His voice is warm as the question escapes his lips. She turns to look at him and she’s thankful to be able to blame the sun for the blush on her cheeks. She nods and gets up to follow him, brushing off the sand that’s clinging to her bathing suit and wrapping a towel around her shoulders.

They disappear down the beach, walking side by side, a comfortable silence enveloping them. It’s not till they’re halfway down the beach that either of them speaks. “Are you enjoying your time?”

She doesn’t miss the hint of worry that laces his voice, and she’s quick to reassure him that she is. “Yes, very much. This is probably the best job I’ve had in years.”

He softly chuckles at her words, “Good. Good. We’re trying to make you feel like one of us, don’t want you running away.”

She’s grateful for the confession, glad that they don’t see her as just another person that works for them. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

He bumps her shoulder with his, a small smile forming on his face, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They head back to the group soon after, realizing they’ve let the day slip away and need to leave soon if they want to make their dinner reservations.

A small vineyard hidden in the valley, they’ve booked the place so it’s just them, and ordered every bottle of wine on the menu to taste. They laugh away the night, enjoying plates of delicious food and letting their minds wander. A gorgeous cake is brought out at the end, half of which ends up destroyed thanks to an impromptu food fight. More presents are opened and Victoria starts tearing up, blubbering about how much she loves the idiots she’s surrounded with.

They walk through the dark streets of Rome, singing happy birthday loudly in every language they know. It’s unusually cold, but she’s somehow been wrapped in Ethan’s jacket, his arm slung over her shoulder. She’s holding Vic’s hand, Damiano and Thomas taking turns with her camera.

The air surrounding them is electrified, she looks up into the sky and thanks the stars for the life she’s living.

May

The summer tour is fast approaching, and nerves are starting to set in. The already high energy group somehow is bouncing off the walls even more, making for an interesting collection of photos. Nerves are starting to get the better of them, and she often finds one of them wandering around the Villa at odd hours of the night. She’s good at being able to channel her nerves into something else, focusing all of the energy on a new project.

One night though, it gets the better of her. She tosses and turns in her bed for hours before she decides that sleep isn’t coming. Instead of lying in bed willing her brain to shut off, she throws on a pair of shoes and heads for the front door, thinking a walk in the warm spring air will do her some good. What she doesn’t expect to find is Ethan sitting out on the terrace, cigarette in one hand and a book in the other, lost in his own world.

She doesn’t mean to catch his attention, hoping to allow him this little bit of uninterrupted peace, but he spots her anyway. “Buona serata,” He rasps, voice laced with the quietness of the night.

“Buona serata, Ethan.” She returns the greeting.

He motions for her to sit down in the chair beside him, closing the book and placing it on the table. “What’s troubling your mind tonight?”

She’s not used to the way someone can read her so well, but there’s something about Ethan that brings her comfort in the fact that he can. “Nerves, I guess. I’ve never done a gig this big, never spent so much time with one group. I’m used to being moved around a lot, still getting used to being a permanent fixture I guess.”

The words are heavy on her tongue, never having voiced her worries out loud before. He takes a long drag of the cigarette hanging from his lips, “La vita ci dà solo ciò che sa che possiamo gestire.”

“Some would think you were a poet in a past life.”

A small laugh escapes his lips, and he shakes his head. A comfortable silence falls over them and she wishes she could bottle this feeling to keep with her forever. He turns to look at her, and it’s hard to put into words the feeling that washes over him. He’s not sure where it comes from, the urge to kiss her, but it sends him spiralling.

He reaches his hand up to brush a few strands of hair out of her face, “Le stelle brillano più luminose nei tuoi occhi, amore.”

The words and his actions cause her heart to raise and her breath to hitch. They’re close now, the closest they’ve been since that night in February, and all she can think about is that kiss that they shared.

Neither knows who leaned in first, but suddenly their lips are touching and it is everything and nothing like they remembered. While the other kiss had been hesitant and brief, this one was full of purpose. Their noses brush and their breaths tangle together, he bits her lip for a moment and a small moan escapes her. He swears it’s the best sound he’s ever heard.

He grabs at her hips, lifting her from the chair and placing her so she’s straddling his lap. She tangles her fingers in his hair and tugs softly, earning a groan from the man. The sound sends shockwaves through her and she rocks her hips against his almost involuntarily. His lips move from hers to the side of her neck, pulling small whimpers from her as he nips and sucks at the skin. It’s everything she’s ever imagined and more. The feeling of his body pressed to hers, the pleasure he can so easily give to her.

She moves her hands down to fumble with the hem of his shirt and that’s when he pulls away. “While I would normally love to do that here, how about we continue this somewhere more private?”

She nods eagerly and removes herself from his lap. He all but drags her inside the villa and towards his room. She trips over her own feet and they both laugh at her clumsiness, falling into each other as he tries to catch her but trips over his own feet in turn. He leans in to kiss her again as their bodies collide, this one sweeter and softer than the previous one.

The moment passes quickly and soon she’s being dragged through the halls again, only to be met with a half asleep Damiano standing in the doorway of his room. They stop in their tracks, jumping apart, trying to act like nothing was happening. “It’s rude to have a party and not invite everyone, you know.”

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, glad that he didn’t know what had been happening moments prior. Ethan is quick to explain that they were just having a cup of tea on the terrace and were now heading to bed, and thankfully the lie is believed. Damiano wishes them a goodnight, heading back into his room, and the two are left in silence in the hallway.

“Maybe we should go to bed,” he whispers to her.

Her heart sinks, but she nods her head in agreement and turns to walk back down the hall to her room. She’s not really sure how the night was going to end, but this was definitely not how she wanted it to; walking in silence next to someone her heart aches for, pretending that nothing had happened between them.

He walks her up to her door, still ever the gentleman, and places a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Buona notte, amore.”

The words should not sound as sad as they do, and she tries her hardest to keep the tears welling up in her eyes at bay as she watches him turn and walk away.

June

How do you go back to being just friends after making out with someone? Well, you don’t. At least, not fully. They dance around each other without knowing it, avoiding any contact that could lead to something more or allude to something else, but there are still moments where the world seems to slip away and it’s just the two of them.

The tour kicks off at a festival in Amsterdam. Blue skies and sunny days greet them as they get off the plane. They have a day to explore before their first show, and no one can decide how to spend it. In the end, Victoria drags Thomas off to do some shopping, Damiano plans a trip to a few museums with his girlfriend, and she is left with Ethan.

She’s not truly stuck with him, but she doesn’t feel like wandering a forgein city all by herself. Since the night in the Villa, they haven’t spent longer than a few minutes alone together, both refusing to acknowledge what had happened.

A trip to the beach seems like the best place to be, and within the hour she’s lounging in the sun listening to Ethan read a book. It’s peaceful, the sound of the waves and his voice lulling her into a half sleep. She’s got a drink in her hands, something sweet and fruity, and she’s sharing a cigarette with Ethan. It’s a scene she thinks one would find in a movie.

She rolls herself over so she’s laying on her back, staring up at Ethan who sits beside her. She places her hand on his leg and traces random shapes into his skin. Goosebumps rise in the wake of her fingertips, and he tries to stay focused on the book in his hands but finds it hard to do so. “You are very distracting, amore.”

She looks up at him innocently and she can’t help but admire him. His hair is tucked away in a bun, but a few pieces have fallen out and are flying in the gentle breeze. He’s only wearing a pair of swim trunks, broad chest on full display. He catches her roaming eyes as they make their way back to his face, a smirk slowly forming on his face. “Or maybe I’m the one distracting you, no?”

She smiles shyly and looks away from him, because yes, he is distracting her, and she’s finding it very hard to not kiss him right now. He chuckles at her, reaching his hand towards her face and turning it back towards him. He leans down towards her, “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”

All she can do is nod, and a second later his lips are on hers. It’s sweet and slow, she can taste the tobacco on his lips and it’s intoxicating. She moves so she’s sitting up, leaning into him more, the world around them fading out until all that is left is them.

A few days later they find themselves in a hotel room in Munich. There’s music playing and everyone’s laughing. Her camera hasn’t left her hands all night, every moment needing to be captured as they ride the after show high.

She’s in the middle of recording Thomas’ one man act when a pair of arms wrap themselves around her waist. She knows exactly who it is by the scent that invades her nostrils and sends her brain into overdrive. She lets out a sudden, loud laugh, as his fingers trace themselves up and down her sides, collapsing into his chest as she struggles to breath.

He picks her up and spins her around, letting out an equally loud laugh at her protests. He’s happy, and it’s something that looks better on him than any designer outfit he could ever buy.

He falls onto one of the beds, pulling her down with him. She lands beside him tangled in his arms, he’s looking at her with a goofy grin on his face. The world seems to silence around them as their eyes lock. Her smile softens and she reaches her hand over to brush an eyelash off his cheek, he catches her hand before she can pull it away and brings it to his lips, kissing it gently.

He looks ethereal in this moment, hair strewn all over the place, a wild look in his eyes. She reaches for her camera and brings it up to capture him, never wanting to forget this moment.

The streets of Prague are empty, save for the two of them walking hand in hand down them. It’s early, almost too early to be considered an acceptable time to be awake, but they continue on nonetheless. A wild craving for something sweet had brought upon their adventure, and with the look she was giving him, he couldn’t say no to accompanying her.

They had been sitting on the balcony of her hotel room, watching the sun starting to peak out over the horizon and sharing a cigarette when she had turned to him with a mischievous look in her eyes. “I want something sweet.”

The comment had earned her an offer to order room service, but she shakes her head at the idea, standing up and walking back into the room. “No. Something real, maybe a coffee too.”

He follows her in, watching her pull on a shirt to cover the bralette she had been sitting in. “È presto, amore. Let’s go to bed. We can order something when the sun is awake also.”

She smiles at his words, but makes no move to stop dressing. She grabs her wallet and room key before heading to the door, stopping to turn and look at him, a question in her eyes.

“Fine, I’ll come with you.” He says after a moment, throwing on his jacket and walking over to her.

It’s 7:30 in the morning, the sun is starting to make it’s daily appearance, and they are happy. The small bakery they stumble into is just opening for the day and they’re greeted by the owner, an older lady with the sweetest smile. She speaks in broken English, an obvious language barrier between the group of them, but no one seems to mind.

She orders herself a poppy strudel and a coffee, Ethan ordering a croissant and an espresso, before sitting down at one of the small tables. He sits beside her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his side. He presses a soft kiss into the crown of her head and she sighs in content.

Moments like this are what she lives for. She might only be here because she works for them, but somewhere along the way she’s become part of their little family. She looks over to Ethan who’s lost in conversation with the owner, and she whispers to herself, “Penso di essermi innamorato di te.”

She doesn’t know that he hears her, his smile spreading wider across his face.

July

The turnover from June to July happens mid concert in Stockholm. She swears she can feel it, the sudden shift, a slight change in the air. She’s running around in front of the stage capturing pictures of the band in what she’s come to call their ‘natural habitat’. There’s an indescribable buzz in the air as they perform, the crowd becoming louder and louder with each song.

She keeps catching Ethans eye and there’s something primal in the way he looks at her. During a song switch, while Damiano rambles to the crowd, he motions her on stage. He tells her to get closer to everyone, promising that they won’t bite, and she giggles at him. She does what he says nonetheless, capturing some up close photos of the band and a few great shots of the crowd.

All too soon the show is ending and everyone’s piling into the car, a small party taking place in the backseat. Damiano has music blasting from his phone, Victoria and Thomas are dancing along to the beat, and Ethan is belting out the lyrics. She watches the group of them, laughing so hard her sides hurt, and she’s never felt more at home.

When they get to the hotel he’s quick to pull her towards his room, thankfully void of a roommate for the night. The second they get into the room, his lips are on hers. He pulls her close to his body and her hands tangle themselves in his hair. It’s nothing like any of their previous kisses, it’s heated and fast, every thought trying to be conveyed by the fever of it. She pulls back slightly to catch her breath and he leans in to whisper in her ear, “Join me in the shower?”

It’s not so much a question as a statement, but she nods her head eagerly, quick to follow him into the bathroom. He strips himself of the few clothes he’s wearing (most having been thrown off during the show), before turning to her. He reaches his arms out towards her, pulling her close to him and tugging on her shirt. She barely registers him pulling off her clothes, too focused on his body in front of her.

She’s never seen him so bare, and she’s having a hard time focussing on anything else. It’s not until her body hits the warm water that she snaps back to reality. He looks wild, eyes blown with lust, a wicked smile on his face. She firmly plants her lips on his, moaning into the kiss as he grabs at her. His hands are skilled and know every way to pull those delicious sounds from her lips.

It’s quick and dirty, and it is everything she has ever imagined it would be.

An hour later, she’s tangled up in the sheets of his bed, his entire being engulfing her as they watch the stars outside the window. She wonders if they are watching them too.

Paris is the city of lights, a statement she’s never been more sure of. The streets are lit with every light, shining brighter than the stars. She’s in a permanent state of bliss, after the night she shared with Ethan. Their relationship is hidden from the public, living in stolen moments and nights in hotel rooms, but she’s never been happier to be someone's dirty secret.

The band is electric on stage, something about the city they’re in taking their performance to a whole new level. The show goes on longer than it should have, but none of them even care when their manager comes over to reprimand them. They hang around to greet fans and take photos with anyone and everyone, and it’s not until security has to kick them out that they finally leave.

They find themselves in a bar, not sure what part of the city they’re in, but no one cares when the night feels like this. They drink expensive drinks that they can’t pronounce the name of, dance to songs they don’t know the words to, and feel more alive than they’ve ever felt. It’s like the world turned itself up to 11 just for them.

She dances with Ethan, not caring who sees because the night is theirs and no one cares. She kisses him in the middle of the dance floor and he pulls her into a vacant bathroom. It’s hot and heavy and the smell of alcohol envelopes them, but they couldn’t care less. Is this love? They don’t care. They’re young and dumb, and well, you only live once.

Back at the hotel they spend the night wrapped in bedsheets on the balcony, a bottle of champagne and a pack of cigarettes shared between the two of them. He points to the stars, a stupid grin on his face, “Le stelle brillano solo per noi.”

She snorts, throwing an abandoned pillow at him. He grabs her arm and pulls her into him, tickling her sides until she’s begging him to stop, tears staining her cheeks but a laugh like no other leaving her lips.

As the night bleeds into morning, and both are hazy with sleep, he whispers to her, “Sei il mio universo.”

They walk down the streets of London, his arm slung over her shoulders as she rambles away, both blissfully unaware of the few fans snapping photos down the street. They don’t notice the group of girls following them, cameras and phones in hand, capturing picture after picture of the couple.

By the time they reach the shop, the photos are already out into the world.

As they order, reposts and comments start flowing, and their phones start lighting up with notifications.

Before they can pay, she’s crying.

Rule number one of being in the public eye; never look at the comments, distance yourself from social media as much as possible, it will never end well.

The final stop in Rome was supposed to be a welcome home. A big celebration was to occur after their last concert, but now, it’s nothing more than finding the quickest way back home. She sits in one of the dressing rooms the entire show, waiting for it to end, scrolling through her social media.

She knows she shouldn’t be, that’ll all it’s doing is hurting her, making her feel worse. But she can’t stop. The comments aimed towards her and the drummer are terrible, and she wishes she could just delete herself from existence. They aren’t even dating, at least not officially, but she’s been deemed the girlfriend from hell. She’s unknowingly stolen something that never belonged to anyone to begin with.

Damianos girlfriend is in the room with her, telling her of her own horror stories dealing with fans, and she knows she’s just trying to help, but she really wishes she would just shut up. She loves the girl to death, she’s been a blessing this entire time, but she feels her mind is too far gone to be saved from the madness.

It’s only a few minutes later that the band wanders in, the usual after show high replaced with a sudden heaviness. Ethan comes to stand by her after putting his things away and pulls her into a tight hug. “Amore mio.”

He’s sweaty and could definitely use a shower, but the hug is comforting. She rubs his back soothingly, knowing this is just as hard on him as it is on her. Their management team has told everyone to remain quiet about it, disappearing from the internet until further notice while they figure out how to manage the situation. It’s maddening, the inability to speak out and protect her. He wishes he could snap his fingers and everything would be fixed, but he knows nothing is ever that easy.

They make their way back to the villa in silence, the car filled with a strangeness. She’s sandwiched between Victoria and Ethan, leaning on the bassist's shoulder, watching her play a game on her phone. It’s not how anyone wanted to end the tour, but the world is a strange and cruel place. Everything good always comes burning down.

August

There’s a party at the villa one night. Things have calmed down enough that she doesn’t spiral every time she looks at her phone, but there’s something in the way Ethan acts around her that makes her uneasy. She’s standing out on the patio, trying to avoid the questioning eyes from everyone in the house. She hasn’t spoken to Ethan all day, and the alcohol coursing through her veins makes her even angrier than she knows she should be.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees him walk out the door beside her, a small scoff leaving her lips as he tries to speak to her.

“Couldn’t be bothered to talk to me all day, what’s changed that you’ve decided to grace me with your presence?”

He looks at her, stunned. “I don’t get what you mean.”

She scoffs again, placing her glass on the table across from her. “Since London you’ve done nothing but ignore me. I get that this wasn’t easy for you, but it wasn’t exactly a cake walk for me. I needed you, Ethan, and you left me.” Her voice is raw and scratchy, the feeling of wanting to cry tickling the back of her throat.

“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how Dami does it, how he can deal with the comments and messages. My brain won’t shut off, I can’t stop thinking about how if I had been more careful, I could’ve protected you and none of this would’ve happened. I feel stupid for thinking I could have. I hate seeing you like this, I wish I could take you away from all of this.” His voice slowly lowers, till it’s nothing more than a whisper, words meant only for her.

“I was never what you wanted, was I? This was just all some stupid game to you. I was just someone you could use to get off.” Her voice is laced with pain, a small crack coming out as she speaks.

He shakes his head, laughing slightly, and turns to look away from her. He walks a few steps before turning to face her again, “No. No, you were exactly what I wanted. You were everything to me. We were the same type of crazy.”

“I don’t understand Ethan, then what was the problem? This feels like a confession and a break up all in one.” She crosses her arms and leans against the wall, watching as he pulls a cigarette out from his pocket and lights it.

The familiar sight creates something warm in her chest, memories of summer nights like this flash through her mind. Spending the evening sitting on the balcony of different hotel rooms, sharing a cigarette between the two of them while they let the events of the day soak in. She’d give anything to go back to one of those moments. He blows a breath of smoke out and starts to speak again, “I don’t know, amore. I don’t. I want to tell you I love you, to hold you and call you mine. But I can’t.”

“Can’t, or won’t.” It’s not a question, but a statement.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t turn this into something it’s not. I want to, believe me, I do.” He steps towards her and reaches out his arms, “But we both know we can’t.”

She doesn’t know where the tears come from, but they’re there, pooling in her eyes. It’s only been a few months since they’ve met, there were no promises to be anything more than a summer adventure, but this doesn’t feel right. Her heart should not be breaking at the thought of losing someone she barely even knows.

He stops when he notices her state, reaching out to wipe the tears falling down her cheeks. “Merda. Merda! This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.”

She looks up at him through clouded eyes, “Then how was this supposed to go, Ethan? Breaking my heart wasn’t supposed to hurt me this bad? I was supposed to smile and tell you that I'm not madly in love with you and these past few months meant nothing to me?”

His heart breaks slowly at her words. He never meant for the night to go this way, and he wishes he could just pull her into his arms and tell her he loved her, that everything could be okay. But he can’t, so he pulls away from her, “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

They’re the only words he can manage to get out without breaking down. He takes a second to watch her, memorize all the features of her face, before turning around and walking away. It’s a sight that rips her heart out, watching his form disappear back into the house. She knows this is it, the goodbye she’d been preparing for these past few weeks, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Before she can help herself, she’s calling after him. “Being in love isn’t a weakness, you know!” But the words fall upon deaf ears.

Vic finds her standing in the same spot an hour later. She’s got a smoke lit in her hand, the third one from the pack. She hasn’t touched her lips to any of them, but the smell and the feeling of holding it brings her comfort. She was never really one to smoke, but she found it entrancing to watch Ethan do it, and right now, it’s the only thing keeping her grounded. It’s silly, how something so small can mean so much.

Her heart aches in the most unbearable way, but she can’t bring herself to do anything about it. Vic doesn’t speak, just stands beside her. She doesn’t need to ask to know that she is well aware of the events that have just unfolded, she’s just grateful for the company.

September

It’s stupidly hot in London for the time of year, but mother nature loves her unexpected heat waves. She’s home now, having left Rome shortly after the fight with Ethan, assuring their manager that she would be able to edit and upload all of the photos and videos from the comfort of her own flat.

Vic and Thomas had driven her to the airport, had walked her all the way to security and hugged her tightly before letting her go. She’d promised to keep in touch and Victoria had made her pinky swear that if she was ever in Rome again, she’d come visit. The flight was short, and she was glad the time difference was only an hour.

Her sister had picked her up and dropped her off at her flat, and she’d immediately collapsed into bed. That was three days ago, she’d barely moved since. Someone had caught her at the airport and the photos were everywhere, articles upon articles had been released, she’d had non stop messages from everyone, but all she could bring herself to do was turn her phone off.

Her photos make it to the front of magazines, her articles getting featured all over the globe, she’s made a name for herself. She gets emails from prospective clients wanting to book her in at shows, her boss sending her information for more high end gigs, but all she can think about is her drummer boy.

Her phone still sits turned off on her desk, she refuses to turn it on for anything, resorting to using only her email, but she knows everything that’s going on with the band. She’d been asked to join them again in a few months, to become a permanent part of their team. She hasn’t been able to reply.

She gets panicky thinking about seeing him again, about the things people will say if she’s caught in the same country as him. She’s stopped receiving death threats, but there’s still comments that creep in, fans thanking whatever gods made them seperate.

Victoria tries to reach out every few days, worried about the state of person she’s become, but she can’t even manage to type out an I’m okay. The world seems to be too fast and too slow, too bright and too dark, too much and not enough. Her heart aches and it’s a pain so deep she thinks she’ll never be okay again. Love is a cruel, cruel creature.

October

She finally brings herself to go back to work at the beginning of the month. She books herself in for a small band, someone no one really knows but she hopes they will one day. She’s in Amsterdam now, trying hard not to think of the memories the place brings. The band is good, the music heavy and the beat strong. They find a way to tell a story that leaves everyone with a soul searching question by the end of the night. Do you know who you are?

She’s only with them for a few nights, a short gig, but something she needed to get the ball rolling, to remember why she was doing this in the first place. After submitting the photos and writing an article that sends another wave of offers her way, she takes a few days to explore the city. It was wonderful before, when the air was warm and it felt like there was magic enveloping the city. But now, with the change of seasons, it’s even more beautiful than she remembers.

She walks the empty streets one night, huddled in the safety of her hoodie, camera in hand, and captures moments. A couple standing under a street light, a cafe closing for the night, kids running. It’s not until she hears a laugh she’s all too familiar with that her heart stops and her blood turns cold. She turns, ever so carefully, hidden behind the side of a building, and sees him.

He’s beautiful, even more than she remembers, and he looks happy. He’s walking with two girls, the resemblance making her sure it’s his sisters, but in this light she can’t be sure. She’s never met them, but he talked about them often, and she felt a pang in her chest for the homesickness he must have felt.

She tries to run, tries her hardest to get away, but she’s in an alley that leads nowhere and he’ll for sure be able to see her no matter what. The voices of the three get closer and she starts to panic, but there’s nowhere to go and she knows she’ll have to pull on her big girl pants and face him. But her heart won’t stop beating so loudly and she’s afraid she’ll break if he looks at her.

She pretends to be busy with her camera, focusing all of her attention on settings she knows are perfect, but a voice carries it’s way to her ears. “Hey stranger.”

It’s soft and it makes her knees weak and she hates herself for it. She looks up at him and his expecting eyes and her heart breaks all over again. She can’t help it, but suddenly there are tears running down her face and she can’t breathe. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.”

He places a hand on her shoulder but she pushes it away, “No it’s not.” She says between breaths.

“I shouldn’t be here, I should not be here. I have to go.”

She turns to leave, but one of his sisters stops her, “Let us walk you home, please. My brother may be a dumbass, but we have good genes. Let us make sure you get back safe.”

She doesn’t know why the words calm her, but she nods her head and lets the girls lead her in the direction of her hotel. The twins, Eleanora and Lucrezia, talk to her in fits of italian and english, trying to keep her brain occupied. But her whole body is on high alert, too aware of the man trailing behind them and how much of a fool she must look like. She feels like a mess, like someone drowning in a foot of water, but she can’t help it.

They walk her into the lobby of her hotel, the girls wish her a goodnight before shoving Ethan towards her. She doesn’t want to talk to him, and he must see it in her eyes because he tries to leave. But his sisters won’t let him, they stand tall and he looks like a child being scolded by his parents.

“Can we sit?” He asks, pointing to a couch.

She doesn’t want to, she wants to run up to her room and cry, but she nods. They sit and it is silent. Her stomach is in her throat, her eyes hurt from trying not to cry, but she sits and she waits. She studies his face, the crease in between his eyebrows that only forms when he’s confused or thinking, she wants to reach over and smooth it out. He turns towards her and catches her staring, a small smile forming on his lips.

He takes her in, allowing himself to really look at her for the first time in months, and something in his heart breaks. How did he ever let her go? Why was he so stupid to ruin something so beautiful?

“I’m sorry.” He blurts out before he can stop himself. “I’m so sorry, amore. I know I can’t say it enough, I know it’s not as easy as that, but I’m sorry and I love you. So much it hurts.”

The words hit her like a truck, they knock the air out of her lungs and the tears she was trying so hard to keep at bay start falling down her cheeks. She stands up so fast she gets light headed, “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

She turns and starts walking towards the elevators. He calls after her, but she’s determined to leave, to get away. He runs after her, catching her right before the doors of the elevator close, and he wishes she didn’t look so broken. The doors slip close and she is gone and he feels like he could break something.

Her room is cold and she wishes she was home in her flat. She throws herself into the shower, the water burning her skin, and she sobs. She sobs so hard her body shakes, she screams and hopes no one can hear her.

He’s still standing by the elevator, crying now, too. His body aches in a way he’s never felt before and he hates that he isn’t holding her right now. He knows he messed up, he beats himself up for it everyday, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He can’t just say sorry and expect everything to be okay, but he has to do something.

November

The ground is covered in snow. It is peaceful and quiet. He’s not used to this, the cold and the snow, but he understands the appeal. He’s standing outside her flat, or at least what he hopes is her flat, Victoria wasn’t exactly sure which one was hers. He’s bought her favourite flowers and he’s prepared to pour his soul out to her.

He paces outside her door for what feels like hours, trying to get himself to knock, but before he can, she opens the door. “Ethan?”

Her voice is soft, his heart sings at the sound of it. He turns to face her and the sight before him takes his breath away. She’s wearing a dress that shows off everything he loved about her, a coat thrown over her arm, she looks like an angel on earth. “Do you have a moment?”

She’s running late for dinner with her sister, but she’s afraid if she says no to him, she’ll never see him again. She hasn’t forgotten that night in Amsterdam, wishes she would have been brave enough to stay and talk, but she can’t change the past. “Yes, yes. Come in.”

She lets him into her flat, taking the flowers he hands her, and brings him over to her couch. “So.”

The script he’d had prepared in his head is suddenly gone from his memories. “I’ve thought this through a thousand times, planned this out a million different ways, but I can’t figure out the right words to say. I’m sorry, amore mio. I can’t say that enough. I never should have left you, shouldn’t have let things happen the way they did. Loving you was easy, and I think that scared me.”

She takes a deep breath, not sure what to say. She feels tears bubbling in the back of her throat and she hates that this is her response to everything revolving around him. He notices the shift in her, can tell she’s about to cry, “Amore mio, please don’t cry. I’ll start and then neither of us will be able to do anything else.”

She laughs quietly at his words, “I don’t think there are any tears left inside of me. I cried them all for you.”

His heart breaks at her confession. He moves closer to her and wraps himself around her. She hates how easy it is for her to melt into his touch, but she enjoys the comfort of it. “Tell me how to fix this. Tell me to stay and I will be here for as long as you’ll have me. I’m yours amore.”

“Please, don’t leave me again.” The words are barely more than a whisper, but he hears them.

He pulls her tight to his chest and holds her. She doesn’t care about anything else but this moment and him.

She wakes up the next morning in her bed. The sun is streaming in through the windows and she can smell Ethans body wash laced in the fibres of her bed sheets. She rolls over, expecting to see him beside her, but is met with an empty bed. Her heart sinks, afraid that everything he’d said was too good to be true, that he’d left her, again. But the sounds coming from her kitchen prove her wrong.

She gets up, quickly changing out of the dress she was wearing the night before, and follows the sound of clinking dishes. She’s greeted by the sight of a shirtless Ethan, back turned to her, hunched over her stove. There’s the smell of coffee brewing and something soft playing from the radio. If she doesn’t think too hard, she can almost imagine this being a daily occurrence.

He turns around when he hears the floorboards creak, a smile on his face, “Buongiorno amore mio.”

“Buongiorno.”

He hands her a cup of coffee and plates the pancakes he’s made. She smiles at the domesticality of it all. He sits down beside her on the couch and they eat in silence, leaning against one another. Afterwards, she washes the dishes and he dries them. Neither one of them says anything until the sun is high in the sky and they are laying in bed together. “I love you.”

It is the first time she’s said it in such a permanent way, she recites it like it is a fact written in history books. He looks down at her, she’s curled up on his chest, a hazy look on her face. He reaches down to tuck her hair behind her ear and leans his head towards her, “Ti voglio bene.” He seals the statement with a soft kiss.

It’s light and barley there, she chases after his lips as he pulls away, and he chuckles in a way that sends butterflies into her stomach. She places herself on his lap, weaving her fingers into his hair as his tether to her waist. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

He stares at her, memorizing all of the features of her face. He loses himself in thoughts of days spent exactly like this, of a life he hopes isn’t just a dream. He flips them over carefully, laying her down on the bed. He hovers over her, arms on either side of her head, “I’m going to show you how much I love you.”

December

“Move in with me.”

It’s early in the morning and they’re sitting in bed sharing a pot of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. His arm is wrapped around her shoulders, she’s leaned into his side, and he whispers those words.

She hasn’t yet told him about the offer from the band's manager, to become their permanent photographer, but it seems like the perfect moment to. “Yes.”

“Really?”

She laughs at his shock, “I was offered to come and work for the band full time, I haven’t replied yet. But I want to take the job.”

A goofy grin makes its way onto his face, “Do it! Right now. Tell them yes, come and stay with us. Be my girlfriend?”

He’s rambling and he doesn’t care. She smiles at him, her heart bursting with love for the man. “Okay, yes! Absolutely!”

Christmas is celebrated in their apartment in Rome. The band is there, her sister flies out and his family comes too. It is a day filled with love and laughter. They eat a grand lunch that they spent the previous day cooking, his mom brings a homemade panettone. They exchange gifts in the evening, and it is everything she’d dreamed of.

On New Year's Eve they make a trip to the villa. They sing songs and drink expensive wine. Fireworks light up the sky brighter than the stars. They sit out on the porch and tell stories of things that seem so far away. He’s sitting beside her, hands intertwined. He tells her about all of the things he wants to do in the new year and she is mesmerized by the way he talks.

There will be a moment in time when the world stops spinning and everything goes quiet, and she thinks that if that were to happen now, it would be the perfect way to go. Surrounded by the people she now calls family and the person she loves most in the world.

Fireworks go off in the distance, someone shouts out a drunken happy new year! and as time flows from one year to the next, she realizes that this is all that will ever matter.

[thecassadilla]

#6 “I'll find my way back to you” for KA❤️👀

Hi, India!!! 💕 I’m so sorry this prompt took me a bit of time to fulfill, but I was a bit busy and I wanted to take the time to make sure it was perfect. A little birdie told me that you’re a fan of the 1940s era, and that same little birdie helped me with some of the details for this fic (in case anyone is wondering, that little birdie is @tamorasky who I owe my life to at this point 😂 thanks for the help, Rhianne!!!)

Just as a fair warning to anyone reading, this fic does take place during WWII but there are very few mentions of the war. It’s mostly just mushy, sappy love letters exchanged between Kristoff and Anna throughout that period of time lol. I apologize if the formatting is wonky, I posted this on tumblr mobile. I really hope you enjoy it!!!! 💕

6. “I’ll find my way back to you.” Send me a prompt!

The day that Anna and Kristoff had been dreading for a long time had finally arrived.

As they stood on the platform of the train station, which was hustling and bustling with activity, it nearly felt as if they were the only two people in the world. But they were here for another reason; they were here to say goodbye to one another for the foreseeable future, and potentially, forever.

“You can’t leave me,” Anna cried, her eyes boring into him. “I-I need you.”

“I’ll find my way back to you,” Kristoff promised. “You know I will.”

“I know b-but…” she sniffled, trailing off.

He swiped at her cheeks with his thumbs. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. Everything will be alright.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” he acknowledged. “But we have to stay positive. I will come home to you.”

She nodded just as the shrill train whistle indicated that it was nearly time for them to separate.

“I love you,” Kristoff declared, ducking down to capture her lips. “And we will see each other again.”

“I love you, too,” Anna murmured, trying to memorize the sensation of the warmth of his lips on hers and the strength of his arms around hers. “Please write.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Can you just...hold me until you have to leave?”

“Of course.”

And he did, until the last possible moment, neither of them knowing when they would see each other again.

September 29, 1943

Dear Anna,

I know it hasn’t been long since I left, but I wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly and think of you often. All has been well for me aside from missing you.

Love Always,

Kristoff

P.S. Tell me - have the leaves started to change colors yet?

November 3, 1943

Dearest Kristoff,

My heart skipped a beat when I received your letter in the post. I’m glad everything has been well for you thus far, but I’d be lying if I said things have been well for me. It’s been difficult for me to focus on anything but your safety and well-being since you’ve been gone, and I spend most of my days praying for your safe return.

Love,

Anna

P.S. The leaves have changed colors since your last letter to me, and they’ve since fallen off of the trees. Winter is drawing closer, as you know.

January 16, 1944

My Sweetheart,

I beg of you, don’t let my absence consume you. I miss you more than words can describe, but you must continue to live your life - do not let your worry for me consume you. You have a life you should be busy living. I want to hear about your adventures, not about how sad you are that I am gone.

Love Always,

Kristoff

P.S. Will you be my valentine?

February 8, 1944

Dearest Kristoff,

It is difficult to not let your absence consume me. You are the first thought on my mind when I wake up in the morning, and the last before I go to sleep for the night. I am always thinking and worrying about you, and I am so looking forward to the day that we will be reunited.

As far as adventures go, I haven’t had many since you’ve been gone. I’ve been keeping busy, of course, but the days are long and dark without you.

All My Love,

Anna

P.S. Of course I will be your valentine - what kind of silly question is that?

P.P.S. I love when you call me your sweetheart. It brings a smile to my face when so little else does.

April 30, 1944

To My Sweetheart, Anna,

I apologize for the delays in my letters. It is spring now. I hope all of the leaves have returned to the trees, and I hope the flowers are blooming in lovely shades of yellows and pinks. I sincerely hope you are able to take advantage of the milder weather; perhaps you could take up gardening? Or painting? I’m sure you’d do a lovely job painting the colorful landscapes of Arendelle.

Everything is well. I miss you, and I love you, always. I can’t wait to be back in your arms.

Love,

Kris

May 14, 1944

Darling Kristoff,

I have been waiting with baited breath to hear from you. I wanted to write to you again after I had gone so long without hearing from you, but I was convinced not to (by someone who I shall not name - though I’m certain you know who I am referring to). I am so sorry for not listening to my instincts.

I am also sorry that I was not able to send you regards in time for your birthday last month. I imagine that it was nothing like a birthday celebrated at home, but I hope you were able to enjoy yourself nonetheless. I think we both know that I am not much of a baker, but I will try my hardest to bake you a cake when you return home, and we’ll celebrate then.

I also regret to inform you that I’ve neither planted a garden nor painted a picture of Arendelle. You have more faith in my abilities than I do, and I truly don’t think I’d be able to plant a garden or paint a picture that anyone other than you would enjoy.

Since you’ve been gone, there has been a Kristoff-sized hole in my heart. Life is not the same without you. I miss you terribly, and will not feel peace until I see you again.

Your Girl,

Anna

June 1, 1944

To My Beloved,

Please do not be sorry about missing my birthday or not writing sooner. I am just thrilled that you continue to find the time to write to silly old me when you surely have bigger and better things to occupy your time. Though, looking forward to letters from you is one of the few things that has been getting me by.

Also, please do not sell yourself short, my love. You are incredibly talented, and anyone would be lucky to walk past a garden you planted or view a piece of your artwork. In fact - if you have the time, will you please paint me a portrait of something? I want to display it in our future home.

I hope you don’t think that I’ve forgotten your birthday is this month. I probably won’t be able to write to you again before your big day arrives, so - Happy 19th Birthday! I sincerely hope that you are able to celebrate with your sister and friends and that this year is the happiest, healthiest one yet.

Just remember, everyday we get a little bit closer to seeing one another again.

Love You Forever,

Kristoff

P.S. If you can, please send a photograph of yourself. I know seeing your beautiful face will help to get me through my toughest days.

June 23, 1944

Dear Kristoff,

You must be delusional to believe that I have bigger and better things to occupy my time with other than writing to you. My heart beats for you, and even if I didn’t have the time, I would make it.

I think you are the only person on the planet who has ever referred to me as talented. Perhaps in the context of my clumsiness I am talented, but I am no artist or gardener or baker. Are you sure you’d want to display artwork I painted in our home? I feel like it would bring nothing but shame and embarrassment to me and my poor skills.

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I knew you wouldn’t forget, but I have to say, I am ecstatic that you remembered. I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate this year - life is too bleak without your presence. I will not have another happy birthday until you have returned home safely.

I’m sure by now you’ll have seen the photograph of myself that you requested. I apologize for my disheveled appearance - cosmetics have been difficult to come by since the war began. Elsa insisted that I looked fine, but I know I’m not as pretty as the other girls who are sending their beaus photographs. I only hope that you have not forgotten what I look like and are not turned off by my appearance.

I miss you more than anything, and am very eager for you to return home.

I Love You,

Anna

August 31, 1944

Dearest Anna,

I can assure you, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on and every time I look at the photograph you sent, I can’t help but smile and think about how much I love and miss you. I cannot wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again. All of the other men are envious that I can call you, “my girl.”

In fact, the first thing I intend to do when I return home is marry you - I know this is not the romantic way to tell you, but I promise I will not keep you waiting for another moment, especially since you’ve been so patient this entire time. I look forward to the day that I can call you my wife, and then from that day forward we can celebrate every birthday, holiday, and milestone together for the rest of our lives.

Love,

Kristoff

P.S. I will be proud to display any artwork you create in our home.

September 18, 1944

Dear Kristoff,

I cannot believe you’ve already been gone for a year. It has truthfully been the slowest and grimmest year of my entire life. I spend all day, everyday longing for your safe return.

Your kind comments flatter me, but I can hardly believe that the other men you’re acquainted with are envious of someone as plain-looking as me.

On the topic of marriage - yes! I will marry you! You are right, that was a dreadfully unromantic way to ask me for my hand, but I would never (and could never) say “no” to you. You’ve truly just made me the happiest girl on the face of the earth! But oh, how you humor me; my parents always said patience was a virtue I never acquired. And besides, I don’t feel particularly patient - not with you promising to marry me when you return.

Forever and Always,

Anna

January 27, 1945

Dear Anna,

I apologize for the delay in responding to your letters. All is well, I promise. If my letters become more infrequent over the next few months, it’s because things are changing quickly.

Something that hasn’t changed are my feelings for you. I’m very much looking forward to coming home to your beautiful face. I love and miss you more than anything, darling.

Love,

Kristoff

February 20, 1945

Dear Kris,

Of course I understand that things have been very intense and you can’t write as frequently as you used to, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss hearing from you. That’s why I’ve been sending you so many mundane letters in between our correspondence - I have nothing else to occupy my free time, and I hope hearing about the neighborhood gossip and my woes have kept you entertained during this time.

I love you, Kris. Time is simultaneously moving too fast and not fast enough. I haven’t had a good night’s rest since you’ve been gone, and I’m very much looking forward to being able to love you in person again.

Your Girl,

Anna

May 7, 1945

Dear Anna,

I could never view your letters as mundane; every time I receive a letter from you in the post, I can feel a spark reigniting inside of me. I’m here fighting for you, baby. You keep me going, and I don’t think I’d have lasted this long if I didn’t have you to come home to.

I love and miss you, sweetheart. I’m so ready to hold you in my arms again, and this time, I’m not letting go.

Always,

Kristoff

June 2, 1945

To My Sweetheart,

Please continue to fight for me; I need you to come home safely. I need to see you and know that you’re real, and not just a figment of my imagination. You’ve been gone for far too long, and I hardly know what to do with myself.

I just want you to come home to me. That is all I could ever ask for, and just know, I’ll be wishing for your safe return for my birthday this year. Hopefully you’ll be home soon. I need to touch you and know you’re real.

Love Always,

Anna

September 18, 1945

To My One and Only,

Wonderful news, darling - I’ll be coming home to you very soon. I can’t wait to see you.

Love,

Kristoff

And finally, the day they had both been waiting for had arrived. Anna stood in the train station, clutching her purse in her shaking hands as she eagerly awaited the train’s arrival. When it finally pulled into the station, her eyes continuously scanned the crowded room, searching for the person she had desperately missed for the past two years.

And then suddenly, he was running towards her, a massive smile plastered across his face.

“Kristoff!” she exclaimed breathlessly, bursting into tears at the sight of him. She raised a hand to cover her mouth, unable to move or think straight as her emotions overwhelmed her.

“Why are you crying?” Kristoff asked softly, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he beamed down at her.

“I’m just so happy you’re here,” Anna sniffled, rushing to wipe the tears away from her cheeks. “I was worried I’d never see you again.”

“I told you I would find my way back to you,” he soothed, pulling her into his arms. “You know I don’t break my promises.”

“We both know that your safe return wasn't entirely up to you.” She nuzzled her face against his chest, still in disbelief that he was standing in front of her.

“I had a good reason to keep fighting,” Kristoff grinned, his own eyes growing a bit misty. “There was a girl back at home who promised to marry me when I asked her, and I couldn’t let her down.”

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[ravenwolfie97]

2020 Art Summary

Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.

I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!

I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.

Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.

One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!

Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).

Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.

A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.

At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe​ who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling. They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.

Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.

There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.

As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.

Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.

My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it. The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.

University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.

My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.

This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.

I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.

Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!

The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.

I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.

I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.

Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.

It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.

[dreamonminecraft]

oh yes, tell me more about this beautiful lesbian slowburn. I’m a sucker for a good love story

Okay so to start off, My sexuality fluctuates greatly throughout this story, but as of now I identify as a Bisexual lithsexual lesbian, which means that I am attracted to lots of people but lose attraction when the feelings are reciprocated, and I'll only date girls.

The story starts off August of 2018. I was starting 6th grade (middle school) and didn't really have any friends aside from a few people that I had last talked to in 3rd grade.

It's important to know that I'm a GT kid and so I almost always have the same group of about 20 kids. This started when I changed to an all GT class for 4th grade.

While it's nice to have a comfortable learning environment, it also means that there's no escape from any drama, and you get to pick friends from the very small pool of kids that you'll spend the rest of your education with.

This is a pretty long story as well and I'm not sure I'll be able to accurately retell many of the things because dates get mixed up and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna try my best to explain but these are really only the things from my point of view and I don't remember a lot of the things. (This is also gonna be written like a fanfic because that's all I know how to write, I apologise)

So start of sixth grade, I don't really have any friends, I'm kind of this awkward nerd, there's 2 people in my class (we switch classes like normal middle school, but I'm with the GT kids for most of the day so that's what I'll refer to them as) that I've known for years, a few I've met before, but mostly new people.

I sit by some old friends from volleyball at lunch for the first few days but begin to feel unwelcome. One day I decide to sit by these two people that I know are in GT but haven't talked to before. I don't say anything, but I sit and they don't mind.

The next day we get new seats in English. I'm behind a boy named Owen, Inara, who is one of the girls I sat with at lunch, is to my right, and in front of her is a girl named Emilyse.

Inara and I hit it off immediately.

It's kind of crazy because we're both crazy anxious introverts, but we gel nicely. I'm a boyband-obsessed 11 year old and she's a mature and mysterious 11 year old.

She's a lefty. I'm a righty. The way we've been placed makes us bump arms everytime we try to write anything.

We have every class together. Somehow, we sit next to each other in every class as well, even in the ones where we didn't pick our seating chart.

It's September. I cry over boybands. She watches curiously.

For the next couple of months we casually talk. She spends every lunch period in the library. We text occasionally.

I have another friend who takes priority. His name is Logan. We got introduced by his friend Lennox when she asked for my phone number to give to him.

Lennox and I don't talk. Logan and I text nonstop for months. We discuss possibly dating in the future. I identify as bisexual and biromantic at this point.

I've been in this position before. Having mainly guy friends growing up puts me in a lot of awkward friendship/relationship situations. They always end the same.

I have an issue with dating in middle school. You're not dating if you don't go on dates, hold hands, kiss, or cuddle. But you can feel like you are.

In December Logan starts being mean. We start a game where we step on each other's shoes at lunch or in the hallway. It's fun.

Eventually, he recruits his friends to do it to me, too. It's a joke a first, but eventually there are 10 middle school boys chasing me and trying to hurt me.

I get kicked in the hallway and fall. Someone steps on my arm and people laugh. Logan watches. I tell Inara and she steps on his shoe for me.

Logan and I stop talking. Inara and I hang out more. By early January, Inara has stopped going to the library at lunch. We hang out with Emilyse in the field instead.

I text Logan one day in mid January and ask why we fell out. He says that I told someone that I was going to punch him in the face.

The person he said I told, only talked to me at the bus stop, and he didn't ride my bus. I had never said it in the first place, but his logic made it even more frustrating.

I tell him I got scared because I had a crush on him and didn't want to make things weird. It was a lie.

In February I came out to someone for the first time. They asked if I was bi and I said yes.

By March I had accepted that coming out didn't really make a difference. Inara and I hung out at school but not really anywhere else.

My birthday's in April. I invite her, Emilyse, and Rebekah. We paint rocks and draw on a table cloth. Emilyse feels distant.

Emilyse is homophobic. We find out in English one day. I don't remember how. Inara and I look at each other. We know we're both queer but haven't come out to each other.

I ask Emilyse if she would hate someone in GT for coming out. She says yes. Inara and I stop talking to her.

By May I've become obsessed with Marvel. Inara's interested in it and I decide to be, too. We talk about the movies. It gets awkward. She's not as interested when I get in on it.

By June we're best friends. We hang out fairly regularly, have all our classes together, and text all the time. Logan is forgotten.

School lets out at the start of June. We keep texting regularly. We make plans to see the new spiderman movie in early July with one of our other friends.

I have a complicated relationship with said friend. They're non-binary, although I didn't know it yet, and I've known them since Kindergarten. Inara met them in an advisory this year. I get jealous easily.

The day of the movie I shop at Kohl's. I buy the two of us matching shirts. We meet at the movie theater and it's awkward. I pay for popcorn and sneak in snacks that we share. Our friend's dad is there, but Inara and I don't have parents present.

We sit next to each other during the movie. At a certain scene, I start to get anxious. My stomach hurts and I can't breathe, I start to get sweaty.

I get up and rush out of the theater. I get to the women's bathroom and sit down on the floor of the very last stall. I'm panicing, dry heaving into the toilet, and trying not to cry. I try to text my mom that I'm having a panic attack but don't have reception.

I go back into the theater room after a few minutes. I'm still anxious, but better. Our friend is highly concerned, Inara just glances at me worriedly.

It's my first panic attack, and it sucked.

We leave awkwardly after it ends, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. My mom is concerned when she picks me up. We don't talk about it. My dad and brother are watching it illegally when I get home.

We don't see each other until August of 2019, but continue to text through the rest of the summer.

When 7th grade starts, I'm still into Marvel. I've seen all the movies at this point, but there haven't been any new ones (even now) since FFH. Inara's interested, but not fully.

In late August/Early September we take BuzzFeed quizzes for fun and text each other the results. I take one about soulmates. I get her initials. I send her the link. She gets mine.

We take more and they all point to us being soulmates. We propose by sending pictures of rings over text. The wedding date is set for September 28th, 2019.

The time comes. It's Saturday and my brother has a double football game. We've planned to pick her up and take her there. It's a Christian league, so the games are at a church.

We go to the garden. There's a small white bench in some rocks, surrounded by flowers. We joke that we've had our ceremony. We wander around for a while longer.

My dad suggests that we go to the taco bell across the parking lot. We do. When we're done, we walk back to my house. Its not far, but we're alone. I carry her halfway back.

When we get to my house we pick things from my garden. We're barefoot and I'm wearing overalls. I joke that we're gonna get a farm one day when we're older.

She picks things while I stand back and watch. The sun hits her dyed-red hair just right. I vividly remember smiling at thinking "holy fuck she's pretty" you would think I'd put together my crush by then.

October rolls around and she cancels plans to go trick-or-treating with me. I'm upset but understand.

We "work" on a school project at her house. We don't actually get anything done before cuddling up on her bed and falling asleep to black panther.

In November, it's Emilyse's birthday party. We've gotten distant but still talk occasionally. Inara and I both go to the party.

We're watching Spiderman Far From Home because that's what Emilyse wanted. I've seen in twice, Ianra has too.

We're given candy and popcorn and then curl up on the couch. Inara and I sit next to each other.

(I forgot to mention this but at some point she stayed the night at my house. She slept on the floor in her swimming suit even though I asked if she wanted to sleep on the bed. Swimming was fun though. We also go to an arcade. We mini-golf and play laser tag. We also danced in the rain together at some point that day.)

Once we're no more than 15 minutes into the movie, I'm cuddled into her chest. It's important to mention that at this point I'm 5'6 and she's no more than 5'0.

We cuddle the entire movie. We share candy and pretend no one else is there. It feels great.

We don't talk about that night for months. Nobody brings it up. I come out to Rebekah around this time, saying no more than that I like girls. I still haven't told Inara.

By December, I've brought her to church a few times. I don't enjoy going to church, but my parents always encouraged it.

(I'd like to say at this point as well that I have been raised Christian and identify with the faith despite the fact that I despise Church and disagree with many of the common teachings. If I ever had to choose for some reason, my sexuality matters more to me than my religion. Regardless, I respect your beliefs if they differ from mine :) )

Inara's birthday is in mid December. Her party consists of us making gay jokes with our enby friend despite not being technically out to each other.

My church youth group plans ice skating. I invite her and she accepts. I'm worried about it. It's essentially a date. Neither of our parents will be there.

We carpool with the youth leaders, who are actually pretty cute for a hetero couple. Inara and I share awkward glances the whole time.

When we get there I learn that Inara took ice skating lessons as a child. She's much more confident than I am, but pretends she doesn't know what she's doing. I skate about once or twice a season, but also rollerblade.

There's a wet, sloped, melty part of the rink. I get nervous and grab her hand. She holds it until we're out of the melted ice.

Every lap around I grab her hand at that point. Eventually, we just keep holding hands for an entire lap.

By the end of the night, we've both fallen a few times but held hands the whole time. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

That night, I rant about the adventure to one of my (ex)friends, who excitedly listens to my talk about holding hands with a girl.

There's a GT Christmas party at Hannah's. Inara and I carpool there. It's an all together boring party with the exception of a few interesting truth-or-dare questions.

(side note, remember Owen? Well he's one of Inara and I's best friends and we were actually close enough that the three of us were basically cuddling on the couch during part of the party. Also the whole class knows about Inara and I's wedding and calls us wives.)

Paislie asks me if I wanted to "marry" Inara before we got "married". I mumble an answer that nobody hears. I don't repeat it. When it's time to leave, Inara and I have our legs intertwined on the couch. We don't mention that, either. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

January is good. There's a night, the 4th I believe, that we really connect. We officially come out to each other for the first time on that night, and it gets really real, really fast.

She says she's pan, I say I'm bi but confused.

In mid January she texts me that she's crying because one of her favorite YouTubers finally hit a million. She cries for hours but never tells me who. I pay it no mind.

A few days later, she mentions a YouTube channel called Unus Annus and tells me that it's super interesting. I text back but don't look it up.

A few more days pass and I'm randomly on the trending page for YouTube, which I never do. I see a video trending called "Mark and Ethan go casket shopping". The thumbnail is interesting enough that I check what the channel is. I notice it's the one Inara told me about.

I watch the video and subscribe within 5 minutes. I text Inara quotes from that video, Ethan Finally Becomes a Man, and the Lie Detector test videos, until she responds and is surprised that I found the channel.

I obsess quickly and depend on her to know the new video at 1pm everyday. She gets annoyed and we drift apart slowly.

In February things get rocky. We fight often. If I win a small argument she doesn't talk to me for hours. She gets pissed at refuses to tell me what the Unus Annus video is called if I ask too many times.

At some point I get fed up and confront her. I don't remember what about, but we stop talking all together.

Friends pick sides. I'm left alone. We don't talk for a month. She tells me that she pushed me away because she thought I'd react badly to her telling me she loves me.

I confess my crush. She tells me she feels the same.

We finally make up at about 8:30 on a Sunday night in March. It's not fixed but we plan to talk. And 9:00, the school district announces that it's shutting down until least after spring break.

We stopped trying to communicate, but eventually, slowly we started talking again. We text a few times a day now, mostly about UA and anxiety, the best combo.

We haven't seen each other since. We're probably going back to school in person in about a month, but I'm not sure. Nobody is.

I've called her my girlfriend on here before, simply because I don't know what we are. I joked the other day about how the youth leaders would react if I said I was texting my girlfriend.

Here's how that went:

So we're just jokingly married for now! It's a confusing pile of garbage but we both came out as lesbians the other day so that's a new development.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but I'll answer any questions anybody has :)

[hearts-hunger]

Dear Friends || Brian May x Reader

Summary: With only a few hours left before Brian leaves for the American part of the tour for three months, you’re already missing him so much you can’t sleep. Brian always knows how to take care of his best friend, though, and he’s more than happy to spend his last hours at home holding you.

Pairings: Brian May x Reader

Genre: Fluff, a little bit of angst

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: None!

A/N: This fic is dedicated with so much love to @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl, whose roommate-turned-best-friend-turned-lover fics with Brian always manage to make me smile, even on really rough days. This one doesn’t come close to how cute hers are - y’all should go read them all on her writing sideblog @word-babble - but it’s a very loving homage and the best way I could think of to tell her how much I love her and how thankful I am for her. Let me know what you think, and I hope you like it! ♡

You stood from where you’d been sitting on the edge of your bed, smoothing out the comforter until your bed matched the neatness of the rest of your room that you’d been obsessively straightening for hours. Too wound up to sleep and unwilling to allow yourself the tears you’d been keeping at bay since last night, you’d put yourself to work getting to every odd job and little bit of organizing your room needed that you’d been putting off for ages. You’d tried your best to keep it down, knowing how thin the walls of your apartment were, not wanting to wake Brian. He needed his sleep, and you didn’t think you’d be able to keep up your fragile exterior around him.

You looked at the clock on your bedside table. It showed 4:28 a.m., the red glow of the numbers vaguely contemptuous as it plainly reminded you how long you’d been avoiding sleep. You frowned at it and placed Brian’s copy of The Glass Bead Game in front of it so you wouldn’t have to see it any more.

“Y/N?”

Your hand flew to your chest as you startled at his voice, even gentle as it was. You turned to see Brian standing in the doorway, a smile quirking his mouth even as his expression flickered with concern.

“Sorry, love,” he said. “Didn’t mean to frighten you. You alright?”

You let your hand drop. “Yeah, sorry. I didn’t know you were up yet.”

He nodded as he took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, I figured I’d give myself some time to wake up before I got ready. Roger and Freddie were out late last night, so they’re sure to be barely conscious, and it wouldn’t be terribly kind of me to leave Deaky to wrangle all three of us.”

You smiled a little at the thought. Roger was already not a morning person, and after a night of revelry he was sure to be less than pleasant. Freddie wouldn’t cause trouble but he would be a handful anyway, falling asleep on any vaguely horizontal surface if left to his own devices. It was very like Brian for him to wake himself up early so he could be of help to Deaky, an early bird by nature, in making sure everything was packed and getting Freddie and Roger settled so they could sleep through the first leg of the flight to America.

“When does your flight leave again?” you asked, though you already knew. You’d been dreading it for weeks.

“Seven,” he said. “So we’ll have to be at the airport by six. God knows why they booked us such an early flight, our first set isn’t until the day after tomorrow. It’s not like we’ll be rushing around to get there or anything.”

You felt that familiar ache in your chest that had settled there days ago and resurfaced every time Brian or the boys talked about the upcoming tour. You’d been able to keep it in check so far, but now that it had finally come time for them to leave, you felt the dangerous sting of tears and bit the inside of your cheek to keep them from falling. The last thing you wanted was to make the last time Brian spent with you for months be a mess of tears and heartache. There’d be plenty of time for that when he was gone.

He sat at the foot of your bed, looking up at you with affectionate worry written plainly in his expression. “What are you doing up so early, though?”

You shook your head. “I, um - I wanted to see you off, that’s all.” Not technically a lie, though it did allow you to keep hidden the fact that you hadn’t yet been to sleep since you’d told him goodnight six hours ago.

He gave a soft chuckle. “I wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye, love. I was planning to let you sleep as long as I could, but I’m kind of glad you’re up. It’s sort of lonely drinking coffee by yourself before the sun’s even up.”

You managed a weak smile, though you couldn’t help but think of the months you had ahead of you of having your morning coffee alone. You’d been best friends with Brian since your days as classmates at Imperial College London, and you'd been roommates since your graduation. Over the past two years you’d fallen into a comfortable routine of domestic life with him. Among the patterns of who did dishes on Tuesdays and whose turn it was to go to the grocery store, the two of you had made your morning coffee a kind of tradition. No matter how busy life got, you two always found a way to have your first cup of coffee together.

The Queen II tour the year before had been the first time you’d spent a significant amount of time apart from each other, and it had made you realize how much you loved being with him and how tightly woven your daily lives were. The boys were practically family to you, and it had been miserable to be without them, Brian most of all. You’d realized just how empty and lonely your small apartment could get without his lanky legs taking up all the space under the dinner table and his voice constantly telling you some new research he’d done on zodiacal light and the wailing of the Red Special drawing angry knocks on the door from frustrated neighbors.

When Brian had collapsed in New York in May and the boys rushed home to get him into the hospital, you’d been at a loss as to how to feel. Your worry for Brian was at a fever pitch, of course, and you’d hated that he was in so much pain, but it had also brought him home a whole month and a half sooner than you’d anticipated. Thankfully he was well enough to travel for the European leg of the Sheer Heart Attack tour in the fall, and it hadn’t been so terrible - they were still relatively close and you had been able to go see them when they were too busy to make it home. They’d gotten back from Spain in early December and had a break for Christmas through January.

You’d been dreading the first week of February for longer than you wanted to admit, as it meant they’d be leaving again, this time for America and then Japan. If all went according to plan, they’d be gone until the beginning of May. You’d found yourself sick with grief and worry every time you thought about it, and it had come to a head last night as the hours until their flight ticked by faster than you thought possible. You couldn’t ignore it any more - Brian was leaving in less than two hours. The coffee in his favorite mug - the horribly tacky Christmas plaid one you’d bought him as a joke years ago - would be the last you would share in over three months.

“D’you want some?” he asked, breaking into your thoughts. “I didn’t make that much because I didn’t know you’d be up, but I can make more if you want.”

You tried to take a deep breath past the tightness in your chest. “No, that’s ok. Thank you, though.”

He cocked his head and looked at you with a gentleness that made you feel like your heart was in a million pieces. It was moments like this that made you realize just how long you’d loved him, how many times you’d seen him in that faded yellow t-shirt with his hair messy from sleep and known with everything in you that you would never love anyone like you loved Brian May, even if you’d never worked up the courage to tell him.

“You look tired, love,” he said. “How long have you been up?”

You couldn’t help how your shoulders fell.

“I haven’t been to sleep yet,” you admitted, your voice soft with shame. You didn’t want to worry him, but you also couldn’t lie to him again.

His eyebrows shot up. “You’ve not been to sleep yet?” he repeated. “You mean you’ve been up since I went to bed?”

You nodded.

He set his mug on your desk and reached for your hand, gently pulling you towards him. You didn’t resist his pull and allowed yourself to stand between his knees, only taller than him by a few inches even as he sat on your bed. He looked up at you, his hazel eyes studying your face.

“Oh, love, why didn’t you say?” he asked, concern and sympathy in his gentle tone. “You could have gotten me up, I wouldn’t have minded.”

You willed yourself not to cry. “You needed to sleep, Bri.”

He ran his thumb over your knuckles. “So did you, sweetheart,” he said. “And you still do. You’ve got to be exhausted.”

You shrugged, not trusting your voice.

“Come on,” he said, standing. You stepped back to make room for him as he comfortably towered over you again. He turned the blanket down and got in your bed, gesturing for you to do the same.

“You’re supposed to be getting up,” you said, laying down next to him nevertheless. He pulled the blanket back over the two of you, wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you close to him. You could feel his heartbeat as your back pressed against his chest, strong and steady.

“Lucky for you I got up earlier than I was supposed to,” he said, nuzzling against your neck. You wondered if he even realized he was doing it, or if it meant to him what it meant to you to have him so close.

His breath was warm on your skin. “You can always come get me if you can’t sleep, love,” he said. “You don’t have to stay up pacing your room by yourself, alright?”

You could only nod, knowing your voice would give away the tears you finally found yourself unable to stop. He was leaving, and you knew that you’d never be able to keep count of all the sleepless nights you were going to spend missing him and worrying about him. You wished more than anything that things could stay as they were right now, his arms around you, his warmth keeping the icy loneliness and exhaustion from taking you over completely. You drew a shaky breath, glad that your back was to him as tears traced down your cheeks.

You felt him lift his head. “... are you crying, love?”

You quickly ran your hand over your cheek to get rid of the telltale tears. “No,” you lied.

“Hey, look at me,” he said softly. Despite yourself, you turned to face him; he cupped your cheek in his big hand, running the pad of his thumb over your skin to catch the tears you hadn’t been able to stop.

“Oh, love,” he said gently, his voice heavy with sadness.

“I’m sorry,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

He gave a soft laugh, the sound colored with sympathy. “‘S ok, love,” he said, gathering you close. “You’re allowed to cry.”

You buried your face in his chest, shoulders shaking as you finally let yourself feel the full extent of your sadness. “I don’t want you to go, Bri.”

He traced his fingers up and down your arm. “Me either.”

“What if something happens?” you said, voicing a fear you hadn’t known you had until now. “What if you get sick again, and something happens, and I can’t be there?”

He kissed your forehead. “Nothing’s gonna happen, sweetheart, I promise. Doctor’s given me a clean bill of health, and you know the boys will be hovering over me every second to make sure nothing like what happened in New York happens again.”

He chuckled. “Besides, even if something did happen, d’you really think they wouldn’t find a way to get you to me? They’d move heaven and earth to get you where you wanted to go, you know that. Especially if I’m on death’s door.”

“Oh, don’t even joke about that,” you said, your scolding half-hearted. Brian was right - even if something did happen and he fell ill again, nothing would stand between you getting to Brian, not if you and the boys could help it.

“I’m not worried about that, love,” he told you. “What I’m worried about is you being here by yourself. You’ve got me thinking I should call and make sure you’re going to bed at a reasonable hour.”

“Maybe you should,” you said, only half joking.

“I will if you want me to,” he said. “I’ll ring the phone right off the hook if it’ll make you happy. You’ll get so tired of me calling that you’ll be as bad as Ms. Esther.”

You gave a watery laugh. Ms. Esther, your neighbor who was easily pushing ninety, couldn’t hear a thing when you were trying to talk to her but would come banging on the door in her nightgown if the phone rang past eight at night. You’d learned to keep it off the hook after dinnertime, reminding the boys that they’d have to come over if they wanted to get ahold of you.

Now, though, Brian would be calling from a different time zone, and you’d personally have words with anybody who had a problem with Brian ringing you at any hour of the day he could manage.

“Will you call as much as you can?” you asked him.

“Yes,” he promised. “I don’t know how consistent it’ll be as far as time goes, but I’ll call as much as I can.”

You moved to lay your head on his chest, feeling the weight and warmth of his arms around you.

“I’m really gonna miss you, Brian.”

He sighed. “I’m really gonna miss you too.”

You listened to the steady sound of his breathing, your tears stopped for the time being but sure to come back when he was gone. For now, though, you felt your pain and worry ease for the first time in days; you were safe, and loved, and held close to the man you loved more than anything else in the world. For now, for the precious little time you had until he left, you felt more at home than you’d ever felt anywhere else.

“Did I ever tell you I put constellations up there?” he asked after a few minutes. He lay on his back looking up at the glow in the dark star stickers he’d helped you put on your ceiling when you first moved in, saying that if you were going to live with an astrophysicist, you’d better look the part.

“You did?” you asked. You hadn’t paid attention to where you’d put your half of the stickers and you’d assumed Brian hadn’t either. “Which ones?”

He pointed at a line of stars near the door. “You see that cross shape?”

You hummed in agreement. “Is it the Northern Cross or the Southern Cross?”

“Northern,” he said. You could hear the smile in his voice. “It’s an asterism that’s a part of Cygnus, the swan, and if you look at the arms of the cross, you can see her wings coming up.”

You followed his hand as he showed you the swan’s wings, feeling a wave of affection for him so strong that it nearly took your breath away. He’d taken the time to put constellations on your ceiling for you, knowing you probably wouldn’t notice and maybe wouldn’t have ever recognized them unless he pointed them out to you. Now that you knew they were up there, though, you felt a bit of your loneliness at the thought of his leaving ease. On those sleepless nights sure to come, you could look up at the stars on your ceiling and see the constellations that Brian had put in your own night sky just for you.

“I put Lyra up too,” he said, “and a few others. I wanted to do Pegasus but I didn’t have enough stickers. Positionally it’s not very accurate, I’m afraid, but they’re all Northern Hemisphere constellations that you can see at night.”

“Can you see them in America?” you asked.

“Yes you can,” he said, knowing why you were asking. “You can see them in Japan as well.”

You traced your fingers lightly over his collarbone under his soft yellow shirt almost unconsciously, knowing you’d never been quite so close and intimate with Brian but unable to make yourself worry about it. Things would probably go back to the way they had always been when he got back, but for now you were content to lay like you would with the man you loved as if he knew you loved him, and as if you knew he loved you back. Of course Brian did love you, you’d never doubted that; but whether he loved you like that was another matter entirely, one you’d never been able to really know with certainty. He’d never said anything about it, never tried to take the shift from friends to lovers, so you guessed he hadn’t wanted to. That didn’t matter now, though; all that mattered was that he held you for a little while longer, as long as he could before he couldn’t any more.

“You should try and get some sleep, love,” he said gently. “I’ll wake you when I leave if you want, but you need your rest.”

You sighed. “Okay,” you said. You’d try, anyway, for his sake. “But only if you promise to wake me up before you leave.”

“I will,” he assured you. “Couldn’t leave my best girl without saying goodbye, now could I?”

You couldn’t help but smile at that. His best girl? He’d never called you that before, but you liked it.

“No, you couldn’t,” you agreed. Then, after a moment, “Brian?”

“Hm?”

“... can you sing something?”

He breathed a laugh. “If you want me to, love, sure.”

You curled closer to him as he lightly combed his fingers through your hair, feeling the words of “Dear Friends” in his chest as he sang them in his gentle voice.

“Go to sleep and dream again; soon your hopes will rise and then from all this gloom life can start anew, and there'll be no crying soon.”

Eased by his warmth and the sound of his voice, you were almost asleep when you heard him say something. You nuzzled against him.

“What’d you say?” you asked, you voice heavy with sleep.

“Shh,” he soothed. You could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll tell you again later. So often you’ll get sick of it, if you’ll let me.”

You knew then what he’d said, and you didn’t react any of the ways you’d ever envisioned yourself reacting. No gasping, no crying, no kissing, no grand theatrics of years of pent-up dreams finally coming true. You just felt his hand take yours as he kissed your forehead. But really, this was how it was always meant to be said; your head on his chest and his arms around you, the faint birdsong just outside your window, the constellations he’d made for you shining softly above you. You wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

“I love you too, Bri,” you said.

He breathed a sigh as he drew you closer, one of relief and contentment, and you knew it would be ok. No matter how far he went, no matter how long he was away from you, he’d always come back home to you. And as sweet as your best friend's homecoming would surely have been, the homecoming of the man who’d confessed his love at his leaving was a thought far more wonderful, one that would ensure you made it through the nights without him just to be with him like this again at his return.

forever taglist: @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl

[shsldepressedlesbian]

Jesus Christ please tell me mORE about these characters I only know three things about them but I’m invested

hahhshahha im glad people wanna hear about them,, ok here we go, character info dump:

like i mentioned in a previous ask, the characters were created using sets of nine images, and thus they went through a certain degree of changes, though not all of them

if anyone wants to see me make the fic,, then i just might do it-

heres funfacts about the characters, cause as i noted before, i lovv them all very much:

Yuuki Mori, Ultimate Wedding Planner

Likes: bubblegum, streamers

Dislikes: wooly sweaters, dodgeball

D.O.B: October 12

Height: 5'1" 

- the protag girl,,

- for the most part, a very friendly and hyperactive gurl

- always carries around bubblegum with her

- her interesting in wedding planning stems from her grandmothers encouragement, as well as having many relatives, and thus shes attended a lot of weddings in her life

- neat freak

- surprisingly athletic

- social!! but shes a little judgemental of people

- would never intentionally insult anyone outloud

- incredibly persistent

- also has a very sharp memory and eye due to her job as a wedding planner, which helps with investigating

- avoids conflict if she can

- not hard to convince

- trans and bi, like all dangan protags are suppose to be

- smells like bubblegum flavored cake and lavender

Emica Abiko, Ultimate Student Council

Likes: blank paper, lavender

Dislikes: deadlines in general, decaf

D.O.B: May 25

Height: 5'5"

- the mom friend

- tries to be as friendly as possible but shes this close to snapping

- is surviving on pure will and caffeine

- orderly

- has a strong sense of responsibility and leadership

- her dad is actually the principal of the school, which is the whole reason why shes student president in the first place. because of this, she doesnt really believe she deserves a spot in the school

- ambivert

- 'takahashi PLEASE put that down-'

- smells like vanilla coffee and stress

Arata Abe, Ultimate Historian

Likes: globes, sunshine

Dislikes: tiny dogs, flat earthers

D.O.B: June 14

Height: 5'7"

- a classy man

- very curious

- and nosey

- writes everything down in his trusty notebook, which helps with investigations

- doesnt just study japanese history. hes interested in the past of almost all countries

- very neutral on almost everything, doesnt have many opinions of his own

- but one thing he does have a strong opinion on is hating hetalia (who doesnt?)

- dresses like a victorian

- acts like he hasnt had a social interaction with a human being in years

- smells like old books and cats

Mitsuo Nakashima, Ultimate ???

Likes: dark rooms, wifi

Dislikes: confusing websites, superstitions

D.O.B: December 25

Height: 5’6”

- has not slept in a week but its fine

- very insistent on keeping secrets

- not even his classmates know who he or his talent is

- chooses not to tell anyone his talent (for some reason)

- does not believe in luck. at all

- for a tired guy who has no sense of left or right, hes pretty cocky

- probably has a tragic backstory

- spends most time locked in a dark room

- will fall asleep in a random hallway

- it might be the fatigue and coffee talking, but hes surprisingly intelligent

- smells like dirty laundry and ramen

Asuka Ando, Ultimate Student Council Treasurer

Likes: jewelry, mythology

Dislikes: delinquents, air horns

D.O.B: January 11

Height: 5’8”

- that one blonde chick in every slasher

- very cocky because of her position

- convincing and manipulative

- also good with management as you would expect from a treasurer

- was a math whiz in middle school

- despite acting in control, shes very reliant on emica telling her what to do

- hides behind bigger people

- collector of jewelry

- smells like chokingly sweet perfume and bleach

Manabu Ueda, Ultimate Astrogeologist

Likes: tea, stargazing

Dislikes: broken glass, slime

D.O.B: October 25

Height: 5’8”

- a polite boi, admirable

- more or less on the quiet side, tho he can and does step in to say stuff, and he does enjoy conversation

- his talent is something he grew from his own ambitions, but rather, it was more of a family line thing. he still does enjoy astrogeology though, which is why he chose to continue it even when he got a chance to study something different

- as you would expect from the ultimate astrogeologist, he contains many facts about space hes willing to share

- compliments others pretty often if we’re being real here, overall more of an optimistic realist

- however, even then, hes more of a ‘act first ask questions later’ type of guy as well

- a bit on the vain side?? very proud of his looks

- is very attracted to women who can beat him up-

- smells like expensive perfume and moondust

Seiichi Miyamoto, Ultimate Slam Poet

Likes: ink, protests

Dislikes: alcohol, peer pressure

D.O.B: August 26

Height: 5’5”

- best boy

- despite having the public image of a very loud and passionate young man, in person hes a lot more quiet and polite

- very good with voice shifting

- pulls at his tie when hes nervous; because of this, its always loose around his neck

- was the rep of his class

- slam poetry is a form of venting for him

- has strong opinions

- cares more about others health then his own

- not shy, just very nervous

- smells like nature and scented markers

Tamotsu Fujimoto, Ultimate Tomb Guide

Likes: sand, the heat

Dislikes: slippery ice, pens

D.O.B: November 19

Height: 6’4”

- the dad friend

- has known masa since they were kids(they met in a hospital), and thus they are very close friends

- mature but also laid back

- gives good hugs

- muscular

- wasnt actually born in japan, but grew up in it for the most part

- his parents were archaeologists, and they traveled alot. he was always particularly interested in the history of egypt, rather than becoming an archaeologist like his parents originally wanted him to be

- strong sense of justice

- usually believes in redemption

- acts as a form of transportation for the others when their tired, especially masa and satoru

- smells like tropical drinks and stuffy places

Kamiko Yamasaki, Ultimate Tapestry Seamstress

Likes: luck charms, quiet

Dislikes: being the main subject of attention, jumpscares

D.O.B: March 13

Height: 5’3”

- babey

- grew up in a superstitious household

- believes that she has terrible luck and uses everything bad that has ever happened to her as proof

- because of her supposed bad luck, she spent a lot of time locked in her house, sewing tapestries as a way of keeping busy, before being invited to sailing integrity

- has a good eye and knowledge of fabrics

- has a whole collection of sunhats. sadly, she only brought two different ones for the cruise trip(not like she was expecting more than a weeks stay hhshshs)

- has a large family

- has many bandaids on her fingers due to accidentally pricking herself on sewing needles multiple times

- interested in folklore

- very apologetic

- has a low sense of self esteem

- because of her ‘bad luck’, she blames a lot of bad stuff on herself, even if it doesnt even involve her

- sensitive

- grows quickly attached to others

- likes to stay close to anything that she believes would bring her ‘good luck’

- smells like sunflowers and dirt

Kenta Inoue, Ultimate Parkourer

Likes: sneakers, tetris

Dislikes: being told what to do, stuck up people

D.O.B: February 17

Height: 6’3”

- angrey boy

- incredibly short tempered

- no one remembers seeing him ever smile

- healthy parent relationships? whats that??

- will stomp curb you

- easy to get flustered up, though he wouldnt admit it

- will not stop until hes defied gravity

- defining feature is his allstar sneakers

- smells like varying cologne and sexual frustration

Chieko Endo, Ultimate Chemist

Likes: friendly gambling, working out

Dislikes: romance stories, people coming up from behind her

D.O.B: January 2

Height: 6’0”

- the intelligent one

- serious and calm, keeps a clear head

- a true neutral

- has mastered the art of poker faces

- apathetic

- has a strong dislike of romantic things

- sharp minded

- surprisingly agile and athletic

- can recite the periodic table from the top of her head

- is always looking above the tip of her glasses

- no one: chieko: *anime glasses gleam*

- chieko, to seiichi: ‘ah, so your the twink’

- so edge, such cool

- smells like roses and melted wax

Masa Shibata, Ultimate Dream Interpreter

Likes: fiction, horoscopes

Dislikes: spiky rocks, flashlights

D.O.B: December 31

Height: 5’11”

- mythic bab

- tries to act all mysterious and wise but sometimes accidently slips and reveals she really is just a normal teenager who spends way too much time on tumblr

- has known tamotsu since they were kids(they met in a hospital), and thus they are very close friends

- actually spent a lot of time in the hospital as a kid 

- very blunt

- not good with human emotions at ALL

- not good at picturing stuff, will draw and whatever ends up on the page will -genuinely either impress or surprise her

- a little lazy if you will

- very interested in horoscopes

- holds grudges

- tamotsu translates her weird way of speaking a lot

- knows like fifty ways to get to sleep immediately

- instead of saying ‘good morning’, she asks ‘how was your dreams?’ to people

- keeps a dream journal, not for herself, but for everyone else

- smells like clean warm laundry and sheep

Fumiko Ogawa, Ultimate Lucky Student (or Blackjack Player)

Likes: the color red, praise

Dislikes: trivia facts, strip poker

D.O.B: July 3

Height: 5’9”

- has more of a gambler aura rather then a lucky student aura

- very proud of herself

- soaks up praise and compliments like a sponge

- a family girl, especially looks up to her older brother

- an attention seeker

- knows how to get what she wants

- doesnt really like the title of ultimate lucky student which is why she goes by ultimate blackjack player

- is actually not even a fan of talent schools??

- dresses like a 1940s stage dancer

- smells like raspberries and cash

Kohaku Ono, Ultimate Murder Mystery Novelist

Likes: horror movies, plot twists

Dislikes: overdone tropes, being looked up to

D.O.B: May 9

Height: 6'3"

- a polite bab

- very honest

- handy in investigating due to their knowledge and imagination

- has very low self esteem

- considers themself a borderline 'villan', despite doing their hardest to be nice to everyone

- warns everyone about themself, but characters who were in the same class as them have just gotten use to it

- very uncomfortable with praise and being called a 'role model'

- helps others to their best ability

- compares many situations to varying books, including their own

- unintentionally ominous

- writes using a typewriter rather then a computer or laptop

- smells like peppermint and typewriter ink

Aika Kouki, Ultimate Vintage Collector

Likes: buttons, dial up phones

Dislikes: being ignored, boredom

D.O.B: August 10

Height: 5'5"

- would and will add 'chan' to the end of everyones names

- grew up in a family that was very about keeping things 'old fashioned'

- resents the term 'boomer'

- talks like a 2000s teen

- very energetic and cheerful

- uses old fashioned slang often

- 'thats wack, brosiki'

- expresses interest in being other people

- very praising of others, often talking how 'jealous' she is of them

- overall very positive

- she and yuuki have known each other since grade school, even though they arent paticularly super close friends

- watched a lot of sailor moon as a kid

- modern tech impresses her more then it should

- smells like 1950 perfume and the outdoors

Satoru Takahashi, Ultimate Marine Biologist

Likes: sea otters, the water

Dislikes: his height, fish nets

D.O.B: December 5

Height: 4'8"

- its the tiny boi

- would unironically threaten your kneecaps

- is very sad about not seeing any marine animals during their cruise

- is insecure about his height but wont admit it

- often asks taller, stronger people to carry him on their shoulders(kenta refuses, but tamotsu is fine with it)

- very bold

- says whatever comes to his mind

- it started out as a joke, but he probably has a tentacle kink-

- adventurous young lad

- usually very friendly, but not hesitant to call out what he feels is bullshit

- calls kenta, mitsuo, and chieko 'edgelords'

- spaces out a lot

- smells like salt water and wet fur

Usagi Shimizu, Ultimate Runaway/Explorer

Likes: the forest, music

Dislikes: closed in spaces, car lights

D.O.B: September 1

Height: 5'4"

- very quiet

- has had many foster parents

- technically, shes listed as the ultimate explorer in the academy, but everyone refers to her talent as 'ultimate runaway' due to her reputation

- shy, but can be loud if she wants to

- surprisingly smart when asked questions

- usually calm, but it isnt hard to get her riled up

- everyone expects her to be some sort of delinquent due to her history of running away from her many homes, but really shes basically the opposite

- usually goes with whatever everyone agrees to

- takes many pictures of nature, and posts them to social media

- blushy

- smells like bushes and granola bars

[thefanficmistress]

A Kiss In The Wild : Requested ☆

Requested by @purplerain85 - I hope you enjoy it my beautiful friend.  Warnings: Smut, swearing, and fluff Pairing: Richard Armitage x Reader, Richard Armitage x Female Character, Richard Armitage x OC Context © me _______________ TAG LIST: @deepestfirefun @shikin83 @catthefearless @patanghill17 @aelinninielelain @xxbyimm @nowiloveandwilllove @nellindreams @hails270105 @armitages-gisborne @jassy2101 @abiwim @anemiechen @nelswp @vaneaustation @fizzyxcustard

_______________

Current Requests: JANUARY - Closed @purplerain85 ( A Kiss in the Wild ) - RA Request : Release 1/6/2019 @deepestfirefun ( Because I love you ) - RA Request - Release date : 1/13/2019 @nowiloveandwilllove ( My Friend, My Beloved ) - RA Request - Release date: 1/20/2019 @deepestfirefun  ( WORKING TITLE ) RA Request - Release Date :1/27/2019  Current Requests: FEBRUARY - OPEN

2/3/2019  - Open 2/10/2019 - Open 2/17/2019 - Open 2/24/2019 - Open

Message me if you would like a FanFic Sunday Request.  ________________ You stood there in the doorway. The dying sun warmed and lighted your face. The Cottage was a family camp and hunting lodge set deep in the heart of the Mountains. Your earliest memories of it are fractured images of sights and sounds and smells--golden bars of sunlight through majestic oaks and elms, the ever-present smell of wood smoke and haunting echoes.

The tall brown murky purple snow coated the mountains standing alone in the distance. Followed by rolling hills of green and yellow. Next to the mountains and near to the forest there was a waterfall with ivory white water splashing down to the river as if someone was spilling a glass of milk. You put your hand to your chest to slow your heartbeat and took in the view before you.

In your lifetime, you’ve been privileged to travel to some of the most beautiful places in the world, due to your job. You’ve seen the rich fire of sunset over the Rocky Mountains and the brilliance of coral reefs in crystal blue Caribbean waters. No spot-on earth, however, has yet surpassed the beauty of the man standing here looking at you with a smile. And here he was, at your favorite childhood Highland Cottage, in Scotland.

He was a fantastic man. Stunning really. Generous, kind, funny, and a bit nerdy. A bit of a workaholic, but he was a family man and great friend. But nonetheless he was your friend, and you were crazy about him. So when he planned out this little getaway, you were nervous and excited to be alone with him. No phones, no media, no press, no cameras, and absolutely no agents showing up unannounced to pull him away. He was all yours.  

The last time you saw him, you and Richard were in his loft in his bedroom while the rest of his guest were in the living room drinking and laughing. You were on the balcony that hung right out of his bedroom and you both were talking and laughing. The space between you closed, and next thing you know…

He met your eyes as a flash of heat passed between you, and then his lips were on yours! His hands tangled in your hair. You grasp the lapels of his jacket and pull him closer, reveling in the pressure of his body against yours. The touch and taste of his lips were still covered in wine. Your hands began to explore the hem of his shirt, you hear him groan…but you realized what you were doing. Who he was and who you were? What you were to each other, and you ever so reluctantly pulled away from him.

You spend the rest of the night circling each other, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. Ever since then he has been trying to take a vacation with you, but something always came up. The flowers, chocolates, the late-night sleep overs he offered as apologies. Even if he was across country, he would fly back for a day or two just to be with you.

“ FaceTime isn’t enough for me, when I really want to touch you. Kiss you.” He would say, as he held you at night. The both of you counting down the hours until he left.

Richard stepped out from the car and closed the door You could see the bright sun on his back. He took steps towards you, and every second brought him closer to where you were standing.  

A few moments passed and he was in front of you. His face, you could clearly see now. Those damn beautiful blue eyes seemed so welcoming and sparkled in the afternoon rays. He had sun kissed brown hair that was parted on one side, and slightly messy, most likely from travel. And those curvy pink lips that only a few days ago you were kissing, looked so alluring. He smiled.

Your heart was pounded in your chest.

He begins to walk towards the cabin and as he steps up on the porch, you quicken your pace, eager to find yourself wrapped in his arms. In a moment, you are, your lips finding his. You can’t help but giggle as he kisses you thoroughly.

He studies your eyes, then his eyes slide down to your lips, in the next moments, he thrusts you up against the door frame. The cold of the stone contrasts sharply with the heat of his body. The hair on the back of your neck raised when his lips finds yours. You smile into the kiss. His tongue traces a line on your lower lips, sending shivers down your spine. You placed a hand on his chest to steady yourself. He uses one hand to brace himself against the stone while the other traces a line from your jawbone to your neck to your chest. He kissed you hungrily. The kind of kiss you would expect if you hadn’t seen each other for years. But it was only a few days.  

A freezing wind picks up on the porch, and you shiver in his arms. He pulls back from kissing you.

“Are you alright?” He asks. Rubbing your arms to try and warm you up. “I’d better if you warm me with another kiss.” You tease, pulling him even closer to you. Practically crushing yourself against the wall with his weight. There was no more room left for him to fill, but you tried anyways.

Oh? “He chuckles, and leans in towards you, his hands wrapped around your waist as his lips meet yours again in a long, lingering kiss. His body was comfortingly warm despite the chill in the air and when you finally part, there was a playful smile on his face.

“Like that?” He questioned, with a boyish smile. “Is that all?” You tease shyly.  Richard pulls me into a deeper kiss, and you feel his smile against your lips as you slide your hands across his chest. He trails kisses down your neck, letting one of his hands slip down to your thigh. He lets out a soft groan as your lips find his again but slowly, reluctantly, he pulls away. “How about I make us a warm bath?”

He leans in to kiss you again, and as you laugh into the kiss, Richard holds onto your hips, and walks you backwards into the cabin. He kicks the door shut behind him. He pulls away, his takes a half -step back. He looks deep into your eyes, his arms still encircling your waist. “When we were separated, I imaged everything I would do to you. It’s almost too good to be true to think that you are here...in my arms.” He says smiling at you.

“And kissing you?” You say as you smile back. He always knew how to make your beam with happiness. “ With no camera’s or agents on the phone?”

He chuckles and nods. 

He steps closer to you, leaning in to whisper in her ear. “I especially missed kiss you here…”  You felt him smile as his lips brushed against yours again. “And here” He kisses the lobe of your ear, then a spot along the curve of your neck that sent a pleasant tingling through your entire body. Something in this man called to something in you, and when he is near, it thrums, and pulses to a his beat. “ And here….” He slowly trails more kisses down your neck, each one more heated than the last. 

Richard pulls you into a deeper kiss, and you feel him smile against your lips as you slide your hands across his chest as you unbutton the blue shirt he wore. He trails kisses down your neck, letting one of his hands slip down to your thigh.

You fumble for the light switch, and once you find it, you flick on the light, and see the large free-standing large porcelain tub. A classic tub that you always wanted in your own apartment but could never afford.

He walks over to the large bathtub and begins to fill it with steaming water. You lean in to kiss him as you pull off the first piece of his clothing. You trail your hands across his bare skin as you help him out of the rest, drawing a slight gasp from his lips. His hands are already working at your clothes, then quickly tossing them onto the floor.

He takes a moment to look at you and bites his bottom lip.

“Have I told you how fucking beautiful you are?” he asks, as he takes himself in his hands, gently stroking himself. He gets hard enough for a chubby, and how beautiful it was. Richard without his clothes was the sexiest sight you had ever seen. Tall, sculpted like that of a swimmer, but his arms and board shoulders made seem more like a warrior. One ready to conquer you.  

You watch as his cock starts to stiffen in his hands, and you take in the full glory of him. Loving what you see.

“You don’t have to say that.” You say as you shyly try to hide your body with your hands. You weren’t thin, or a model, but a little chubby, and curvy. Your thighs touched, you had extra weight on your hips, and you had cheeks that Richard loved to kiss and stroke.

“I do have to say it.” He walks over to you, and moves your hands from your body, and puts them on his chest. “You are the most beautiful woman in world to me.”

He leans in to kiss you, but before his lips touch yours, he looks at you in a way that made your heart want to jump out of your chest.

“(Y/N) I love you.” He whispers before finally kissing you. His hands slide down to your hips, pulling you close. After a long moment spent encircled in his embrace, you pause to take a breath.

He extends a hand to help you into the tub, then follows once you’re seated. You spend a few minutes with your eyes closed, just letting the water wash over you. The rest of the world felt like it was miles away from this oasis of peace. Pushes himself across the tub and scoots around to sit behind you. Richard gently rubs one of your shoulders and kissing your neck and wraps his arms around you. You lean back against him reveling in the warmth of his touch.

“Do you have any idea, how much I missed you these past few days?” He said softly with a sigh. “Not nearly as much as I missed you.” You replied, running your hands over his thick thighs under the water. “I know that we just got here, but just having you here like this, doesn’t ever make me want to leave this place.” You add, shifting your position in the tub. You feel him harden against you, and you slowly turn to look at him.

Richard smiles at you and staring with hunger in his eyes. He looks at your entire, wet body, and licks his lips. You lean in to kiss him and run your hand up his thighs to his crouch. You grip him and begin to stroke him. The feel of him hard in your hands made you more wet that you could ever imagine. His cock felt as though it got thicker with each stroke, and being as lengthy as it he was, you had to stroke him fully, and with both hands. He lets out a rough gasp into your mouth, and he swiftly cupped your face as you intensive your actions, and grip. His kisses become more fervent and passionate.

He then reluctantly breaks it.

“I’m not in too much of a hurry…” He slides back in the tub and swiftly pulls you onto his lap. He whispers in your ear as you begin to rock your hips against his, finding a tantalizing rhythm. His hard cock siding between your legs and rubbing against your swollen bud. You can just make out the words over the sound of the water lapping around you. “I wouldn’t want you to leave unsatisfied…” he purred.

He ran his hands down your back, leaning in for another kiss with each stroke of gentle pressure. He bends down to kiss your neck, planting gentle kisses on your collarbone…then across the curves of your chest.

Only once he heard you gasp of pleasure does he shift how he is sitting in the water, so you can lower yourself onto him. He pulled you forward so that he could wrap one arm around you and the other to grip your ass in the water. He thrusted upward into you, over and over.  You rock against him and electricity passes between you, tingling in your fingers and toes. You moan in unrestrained pleasure, and he groans in response. Your body arches back in the water, moving in time with his.

You rake your nails across his back, and he draws in a sharp breath.

He grips your thick hips and holds your weight as you ride him. The power of his hips was overwhelming. The man could fuck, and he filled you with every each of his cock. He started to control how you moved on top of him. Fully pulling out and lowered your back on him until he was full seated in you. You were a small girl, but with thick thighs, and ass. You weren’t typically the type of girl he should have been going after you always told yourself, but Richard loved every each of you, and he showed it.

The way he caressed your breasts, hips, ass, and how he squeezed your thighs in pleasure when he leaned back against the tube to let you do your own thing.

“Take your hands off of me and put them on the tube.” “How could I refuse you?” he says, with a heavy breath. He leans back and puts both of his hands on the sides of the tube.

You position yourself directly on him and begin to ride for him for the several moments. The water lapping around you and spilling over the tubes edge. He tossed his head back and vocalized his intense pleasure.

“Fuck!” he yelled. “Fuck me (Y/N)”

You press a hand to his cheek, holding his gaze as he moves his body in time with yours.

“God! Yes!” He shouted, losing controller, and gripping onto your body tightly. He forcefully fucked you harder. Grunting and grinding into you like never before. His fingers trace tantalizing circles down the length of your body, and his mouth finding yours once again. You gasp as he slides his hand between your legs. He created tantalizing circles with his fingers, as his cock drilled you over and over. Stretching you and throbbing inside of you with every pound.

You lean forward and wrap your arms around his neck. Moaning into his ear you say, “Make me cum”

Richards hands slide up your back and he held the back of your neck firmly to brace you for what is about to happen.

“Yes, baby…..cum for me.” He coos back into your ear. You move together to a rhythm only the two of you can hear. With every beat, an electrifying pulse of pleasure ripples through you, and each one bigger than the last. Your fingers and toes begin to tingle as your surroundings fade away, leaving only you and Richard, and the mounting waves of pleasure. Suddenly, you’re overcome by a crashing tsunami of ecstasy.

Sometime later the next morning, Richard gently rouses you from a satisfied slumber. The sun was barely up, and the room was filled with a faint yellow glow that complemented the twinkling lights that hung along the wooden canopy frame of the bed.

He lifts your hand off the duvet and brushes your fingers with his lips. You wake up every so slowly and lets a soft whimper escape your lips.

“You are stunning when you wake.” He says while placing gentle, playful kisses on your fingertips. “I don’t want you to move from this spot until I return “

“Where are you going?” You ask, as you try to pull him back into the bed. The sheets slipping from your breast, your nipples harden against the chilly morning air.

“To fetch your breakfast, darling.” He confessed, but Richard notices your bare skin, and allows himself to be pulled into the sheets again. He kisses you roughly on the mouth, kissing a trail down your neck, shoulder, chest, and finally landing on your breast. He grips them one firmly in one hand, and sucks on your nipple, forcing a moan of pleasure out of you. He leans you back down into the soft blankets and moves to the other breast. “I would hate for this one to be jealous.” He teased as he put as much of your breast as he could fit into his mouth. He groaned and sucked on it hard, while his other hand groped the other.

Richard moves more on the bed, and he pulls you up towards the headboard, gently resting your head on the pillow. Together, you sink into the sea of pillows covering the bed.

Richard placed a hand on your cheek and guides your lips to his for an urgent kiss. You grabbed his shoulders, pulling him closer. His tongue dances against your lips and your heart fluttered in your chest. You sigh as he cups your face in his hands and breaks away from a moment to meet your eyes

“I would do anything you ask of me.” He softly whispers. “Anything?” You said.

He kisses you again, wrapping his arms around your waist and you melt into his embrace.  You slipped your hand up Richard’s back to the base of his neck, pressing him closer to you as you kiss him passionately. You move your other hand to the small of his back, grazing your nails against his skin. Richard tightens his grip on your waist as you shift to plant a trail of steamy kisses down his neck.

Under the sheets his hands roam your form, tracking a line up your thigh to your waist, then over to your bellybutton, and up…up…until he crests the curve of your breast. You gasp.

A pleasant shiver runs down your spine, and Richard smiles in response.

He runs a finger along your jaw. When the tip of his finger reaches your chin, he tilts your head back and gently kisses your neck. He then braced one hand against the headboard as he begins to move against you. He goes slowly at first, enjoy the feel of you once more. Tight and welcoming. Warm, and wet. All his. He drew out each moment of pleasure in you. Long, slow strokes pulled moans from your lips. Every move of his hips aroused you more. Your insides tingled, and the bundle of nerves between your legs was electrified. You pulled him closer, reveling in every sensation on his body against yours. Richards head rested in your neck, his lips close to your ears.

He moaned and grunted with every move he made inside of you.

“God, I love you….” He groaned. “I love you….” He roughly called out again.

Soon the both of you were moving in perfect harmony. Richard’s cock throbbed in you, and all you wanted was more and more. Deeper and deeper he thrusted, filling you once again.

You press against Richard’s chest with one hand, pushing him off of you and onto his back, then crawl forward until your legs rest on either side of his hips. He griped your waist as you lean down to place a trail of kisses from one shoulder to the other arching your back. Finally, you dip low to place a steamy kiss on his lips. He lets out a low moan. You lower yourself onto Richard and moan softly as he begins to move his hips against you. You rock your hips to match his movements, and arch back allowing all your pleasure to erupt in your body. The heat between your legs travelled up your spine, and your gripped onto his forearms.

“Richard! Yes!....” you moaned. “Ahhh…ooohh….God, I love you!” You shout. His hands gripped you tighter on the hips.

You fall forward, and place your hands on his cheeks, holding his gaze as you did before in the tube. You loved the intensity of his stare, and it seemed to arouse him more. It was like that moment when you and your lover are in the same room, playing with yourself, and staring at the other person until you both cum with the thrill of neither of you being touched by the other, but by watching each other in the act. Richard’s body thrummed with yours. There is a crackling electricity in the air between you, nearly as intense as the electrifying pleasure building inside of you.  Every thrust was bigger than the last, and the pulse of your pussy was fully rippling. Your toes stared to curl, and you both finally released in one mounting wave of pleasure.

Sometime later, you lie in Richard’s embrace, propped up on a luxurious mound of plush pillows. You are staring up at the lush canopy and twinkling lights. Richard strokes your hair absentmindedly. Then says…

“Will you marry me?”

END

[alamanyar]

Now available on AO3 yayy joy; a skam italia fanfic words: 6.637 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough. Luckily, there are people in his life, who remind him that he’s wanted.

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too.“ “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. “Marti…” He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then”, she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not… I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”’ “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he’d just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong… or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I’ve done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” “Marti, amore…” “I still need to learn a few things, I know that.” He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico’s thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight.“ “Goodnight.” He planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

DOTW 60 - full draft (purely self indulgent)

Levi felt like a single parent with three kids. It was hard to admit it, but as hard as Eren was working to get better, his omega was still struggling. Some days Eren would barely talk to him, or look at him. Some days he'd start the morning with the sound of Eren's screams in his ears and some days Eren couldn't even get out of bed, having stressed himself to the point of being physically ill, locking himself in his room with Viren. His mate had come leaps and bounds with Viren. The tiny pup was now three months old, and a bundle of happiness... most of the time... lately, at least. As the seasons had changed, he'd grown much more vocal about every tiny displeasure. Levi was sure neither of them had slept for the last week of January through to the middle of February. Their exhaustion making for some pretty impressive yelling matches, followed by apologies until all they needed to do was look at each other to know they both deeply regretted it. Eren was now comfortable enough to feed their son, without the tears, but things between him and his mate felt... distant. They'd cuddle when they went to sleep, Eren usually passing out the moment his head hit the pillow, but come morning, Eren would be up and working hard on his course work, or his mate was curled into the corner of the sofa with Viren in his hold. Titan still wasn't sure about the tiny boy, he didn't seem to mind him if he wasn't crying. Each time the pup would cry, the fat tom would run to whoever wasn't holding the pup for safe cuddles. Having just become a new mum, the omega had reached out to Shinganshima TAFE and asked to turn the three month course into a six month course. In Levi's opinion, Eren could have handled the work... but it wasn't his call to make. Eren had to do what felt right for him... even if it meant his mate was more interested in books than talking with him. It wasn't just the lack of talking weighing him down. His omega wouldn't let him see him naked. The third time he'd walked in on Eren showering and sent him into a shaking ball of fear, Levi had just given up. He didn't want to jump Eren's bone... Ok. He did. He missed the sex they'd had while Eren was pregnant. How insatiable his mate had been for his body... but he missed his cuddles even more. He missed waking to Eren's hair tickling his nose irritatingly. He missed the small kisses and secret whispers they shared at night. He just... he missed Eren being his mate, rather than this thing between them that he didn't have the words for. He knew Eren could feel his irritation through their bond, and he knew it weighed heavily on the omegas mind, but he was too chicken shit to call him out on it. He was too scared that one wrong word could lead to Eren giving up on himself and ruining his chances of recovery. When he thought things through, Levi also knew he was to blame. His nightmares had been almost out control at the start of the new year. Every time he woke to find Eren wasn't in bed, or if the omega was taking too long in the bathroom for his alpha's liking, he'd grow unfairly angry. Talking to Krista may have helped a small fraction, but he was struggling to let Eren out of his sights. He felt like a stalker in his own home... and like one of those pathetically jealous, obsessive and controlling alphas that he loathed so much. He didn't check Eren's calls or emails. He didn't go through Eren's mail or demand all he passwords. He didn't invade into Eren's space like that... but he fucking wanted to, and that was bad enough. * Climbing out of bed, Levi rubbed his face. Once again, Eren wasn't in there room and his heart was going crazy over it. Padding softly out the bedroom, his joints complained at the movement, on the colder mornings his left hand felt like it'd seized in place, and his thigh would throb as if the bullet was still in there. It was strange to think the only bullet wound that didn't still give him grief was the one that could cost him the most. The last of his leave was coming up, and at this stage, Levi didn't even know if he was fit to go back into the field "Morning, Brat" Levi's tone was gruffer than expected, Eren's wide green eyes looked almost fearful before he slowly smiled "Hey. How'd you sleep?" Like shit... "Alright. How's our pup this morning?" Eren looked down to the bundle in his arms "He's a sleep. I didn't want to move incase I woke him" "How long have you been up?" "Umm... about three hours. The baby monitor woke me, and you looked so peaceful sleeping" "You could have woken me!" Fuck. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he really hadn't meant to snap "I'm sorry. I'm going to take a shower, then I'll make us breakfast" "I made a quiche for breakfast, it's on the counter under the foil" "Right. Ok" So Eren would have already eaten breakfast... there went that chance to talk... "Don't forget Hanji is dropping Anna off today" That was news to him. The longest they'd been out the house since Viren's birth was for the little girl's birthday party. They'd both had their own follow up appointments, as well as Viren's own appointments. Their son officially registered as Viren Farlan Ackerman, and Levi couldn't be prouder. Eren really hadn't been doing great mentally, but didn't want to miss Anna's birthday party. Levi had no idea when he'd ordered the girl's present, only that he'd found himself on the tag and in the card "What do you mean Hanji is dropping Anna off today?" "We talked about this" "No. I think I'd remember something like that" "Hanji has a 30 hour shift" "Then Hanji should have sorted something else out. You can barely function as it is, let alone chase after a pup and a 15 month old" Eren's wide eyes opened further, fat tears rushed down his face "Eren. I'm sorry. It's just..." "It's just what Levi!?" Whisper yelling, Eren rose from the sofa "You're barely coping at it is. We don't talk anymore. You won't spend a full night in our bed and you don't even let me hold you. Then, you spend days locked up in your room all day. What am I supposed to do? Is it just tough luck when I need someone to talk to?" "It's not like that" "Then for god's sake, tell me what it is like. Because from over here, you feel more like a roommate than a fiancée" "I'm not fighting in front of Viren" Carrying their son off to the nursery, Eren didn't return. Shaking his head at himself, he'd really fucked that one up. Standing in the nursery, Eren was gripping the side of the cot, staring down at Viren as Levi approached. His alpha firmly scolding him for being an arse to their mate. He needed to talk this through and find a way to make Eren understand he angered because he'd well and truly passed the stage where worry only applied "Eren" "I... thought it would get better" "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't... I thought if I just kept doing what I had to, things would work out... but my body's ruined" Eren's whole body was trembling "Eren" "No. Those days I'm in bed... sick... I feel like I'm going into heat. It's not just the depression or the nightmares. I think they start it... It lasts a few hours, the cramping but... I don't slick anymore. I don't even feel the need to be mounted. It's just the cramping and fever from heat, my scent doesn't even change... it's like like... like before it was ok to have my heat. I know you're not on suppressants at the moment. So I try to stay away. You always look so tired, so I don't want to risk sending you into a rut. And I know I'm ruined... if I'm going to be a useless omega, I might as well be the one with no sleep" Eren sank to his knees, his soft crying filling the nursery "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because I'm already so much work. I can feel it. I know every day I'm disappointing you by not being better... it's all I can do so you won't throw me out" He told Eren every single day he loved him. He'd tell him every single night they climbed into bed. Every time he'd draw his omega into a cuddle on the sofa, and every other time it just slipped out "You..." "I'm too much work. I can't help you through your nightmares. Do you know how many times I've woken to you crying my name or Reiner's? I did this to you. I made you kill someone. And you're still suffering because of it. I want my Levi back. The one who wasn't hurt by me, and isn't scarred because of me... and I want to be... I don't know who I even was anymore. All I have is these thoughts that never stop" With his emotions out of whack and his omega not able to calm, they'd talked about Eren going onto medication, but his omega didn't want to do anything that might affect his breast milk or anything that might jeopardise the bond he was trying to build with their son "Eren, you know I don't blame you" "I blame me... I'm the one to blame. If... I'd just stayed at the compound, you never would have been hurt" "No. You'd be bred, and our son probably sold off to the first buyer, while I sat here and drowned myself with scotch. When are you going to realise that I'm fine?" "But you're not! I wrecked your body. I know your hand still hurts. I've seen your scars... I'm so fucking scared of waking up to find you're dead b-because of that bullet" "Is that why you get up so early? In case I do die?" "I don't want you to die... Levi... I don't want you to die" Gathering Eren up, Levi carried his mate out through the living room and back to their bed, laying Eren down before straddling his hips. Taking Eren's face into his hands, he forced a hard kiss to his brat's lips "I'm not going to die. I would never die and leave you behind. Why couldn't you tell me this? I've been thinking you wanted to break our bond, or you didn't... that you didn't want to be here anymore" "I'm just trying to keep going, but I can't seem to find the path that leads back to you" His omegas eyes were filled with hopelessness. Like he couldn't feel anything through their bond. Not his love or worry "Eren, do you trust me?" "I do, but..." "Do you trust me? That I won't hurt you" "I know you'd never intentionally hurt me" "Then let me show you what our bond means to me" "H-how?" "I want to take you and remark you. I want to show you how it feels to be connected again" "I don't think I can..." "We'll go slow. I know you're scared, but I also know you know it feels when I'm knotted inside you. The safety and security" "Just the thought of sex makes me feel sick..." "Because you're scared. You can't fall pregnant. Not until your first true heat hits in another 3 months. Omegas are designed so they can rest between pregnancies" "Will... Levi, will it really help?" He sure as hell hoped so "I think it will. But don't worry. I'll take it slow and use a condom" "Can... you mark me before you knot? I... I think I need a little help" "I can. You mean the world to me, brat. And if it's get too much, tell me to stop" "I'm so frustrated... right now, I think I'd do anything to fix feeling this" "Forcing yourself to go all the way isn't going to help" "Be gentle... and don't touch my stomach" "Why not?" "I can't stand it" "I think it's sexy" "I'm not ashamed to have been pregnant... I'm ashamed of everything that happened after" "I don't know. We have a beautiful baby boy" "Levi..." "It's ok... trust me" Levi may have been, ever so slightly, fucking horny for his mate for weeks, but he needed to do this right. Stripping his shirt off, he took Eren's left hand, holding it over the bullets scar. His fiancées breath hitching as his fingers shook "It's just a scar. It's proof that I'm still alive... that I survived" With Eren's right hand, he lifted it to his chest, placing it over his heart "See. I'm ok" Keeping his hands over Eren's, Levi moved to claim Eren's mouth. The omega hesitating before slowly relaxing into the kiss, and allowing him to deepen in. Releasing Eren's hands, his omega moved to hold him by the chest, pulling him down against him as Levi moaned into his mouth. It was the most intimate they'd been in months, and with their spilling pheromones, they were both likely to lose their senses soon. Ending the kiss, Levi's lips rested against Eren's for a fraction of a second, both of them nuzzling at each other before Eren kissed him softly. Continuing the kiss, Levi's hands moved to the waist band of his sweats, thumbing them and his underwear down smoothly, his half hard dick twitching as he rose enough to push his pants down, nearly falling off Eren in the process when his right leg got caught. Letting out the smallest giggle, Levi pulled back to stare down at his mate "You're so fucking perfect" Eren bit his lip, looking to his side of the bed "Hey, it's ok. Trust me, remember?" "Ok..." Skipping touching Eren's chest and stomach, Levi slid down the omegas pyjama bottoms and underwear. His mate's hip bones jutted almost alarmingly, while Eren tried to hide himself by pulling his shirt down. Ignoring him, Levi sucked a deep dark hickey on Eren's left hip bone, before doing the same to the right. Kissing a trail of kisses along Eren's stomach just above his public hair, he trailed the kisses down to his fiancée's semi hard erection. Kissing the tip, Eren let out something between a groan and a laughing sigh "Patience, you" Normally his mate would be soaking wet slick, but only the barest traces could be smelt. Maybe there was something actually wrong with Eren's body, though it was more likely Eren's fear of his own body stopping his natural bodily processes. Determined to change that, Levi moved his hand off Eren's left thigh to take tip of his boyfriend's dick in his mouth, while slowly beginning to jerk him off. Beneath him, Eren let out a breathy moan as his hips lifted off the bed. His moans so silky and smooth as Levi started to bob his head. As Eren hadn't slicked more than a teaspoon, Levi grabbed the condoms and lube from the bedside table "Lay on you side for me, it'll be gentler on you" Rolling sideways Eren let Levi push his right leg up. His mate scarred from birthing their child, though it wasn't off putting. It was kind of... sexy... If Eren wasn't so scared of sex again, he would have spent his time opening his mate with his mouth and tongue, rather than his fingers "I'm going to start now, ok?" "Mhmm" Snorting lightly, Levi squeezed a generous amount of lube on his finger, careful as he traced the ring of Eren's opening with his finger tips "Shhh... just breathe" Sliding his first finger in slowly, Eren shuddered with a groan, his mate much slicker inside than out. Working his finger slowly, he waited until Eren's breathing evened back out before inserting a second "Lee?" "I'm here" "Ok..." Finding Eren's sweet spot by accident, his omega gasped, his tone scared as his scent shifted "Levi! Levi..." "Shhh. It's alright. It's alright to feel good" Milking Eren's sweet spot, his mate whimpered, trying to push back against him while a hand disappeared between his legs. Good... this was all for Eren's sake... mostly... cough. Working in a third finger, his mate clenched and fluttered about him, Levi needing to pour more lube onto his fingers or risk hurting his mate. Working Eren fully open, Levi wiped his fingers off, before unrolling the condom and sliding it on. Eren was a mewing mess, his moans muffled by Levi's pillow, climbing up to position himself, he nuzzled and kissed Eren's shoulder "I'm going to mark you now, alright?" "Mmm..." Wiggling his arse back, Levi struggled to keep his alpha down. How could anyone deny the beauty of the sight in front of him. His stubborn and distant mate was finally letting him in. Lifting Eren's right leg, he nudged at Eren's opening as his teeth sank into the omega's nape. Eren let out a strangled cry as pushed back hard, his thigh twitching in Levi's hold as he came across the sheets, forcefully mounting Levi as warmth filled both of them. Fuck. The man swore his eyes rolled back. Eren's blood filling his mouth as his omega rocked against him "Levi..." Keeping his teeth in Eren's nape, Levi couldn't stop himself. Dizzy on the sensations from reconfirming their bond. The sound of wet skin slapping, and squelching lube. Dissolving into grunt and snarls, he chased his orgasm, weeks of abstinence leaving him coming all too soon. With a long and final groan, his knot popped, Eren shuddering again as he came. Lowering his mate's leg, Levi pulled his teeth free, lapping at the fresh bite "Brat, are you ok?" Eren nodded, sniffling as he did "Hold me?" Reaching for his hand, Eren interlaced their fingers "Did you feel it?" "Yes..." Trying to find a blanket to cover them up with, Eren whimpered as he moved "What's wrong?" "Don't move... it hurts" It shouldn't hurt. He prepped Eren open until he was fucking him with four fingers... maybe his mate would let him take a look. Eren's doctor had said he'd healed... maybe there was some kind of nerve damage? "I'm sorry. I was trying to grab a blanket" "Just don't move..." "Levi?! Eren?!" He'd just been told not to move, and despite being knotted dick deep in his mate, Levi went to scramble out the bed. Their bedroom door was suspiciously closed, and Hanji was a fucking snoop. Eren crying out as his knot pulled "Shit... sorry, sorry, shhh. I'm sorry" How the fuck did he forget Hanji was coming?!? Shit. His knot definitely wasn't going to be going down any time soon. Despite the interruption, he was still flooding his mate with his seed "Levi... it hurts" "I know. I'm sorry. I forgot she was coming" "Can't you pull out?" "We both know knotting doesn't work like that..." Turning his face into his pillow, Eren whined softly "You're ok... you're ok... come here" Pulling Eren flush to him, he found a pillow to give them some sliver of privacy "Levi? Eren?! Everything ok?" "Yeah! Give us a minute!" "Viren's crying, I'll check on him!" "Thank you!" Rubbing Eren's stomach, he forgot about the no touching rule as he attempted to soothe Eren. Couldn't Hanji have waited another half an hour?! "Is it still hurting?" "Yes..." "Ok. I've got you... did you feel our bond? That happiness?" "Yeah... it's the happiest I've felt in weeks" "I love you" "I felt it. I love you... but... I didn't slick" "Before you say it, you're not broken. And even if you weren't leaking slick, I could feel it inside of you" "So I did slick?" "A little..." "I didn't feel it" "Give yourself time to heal" "Says the guy with his dick up my arse" "I wanted you to feel my love" "I felt it, then it hurt" "I'll take a look once my knot goes down" "It'll have to wait. We have two kids to look after" "No. Your health comes first" "We have two kids relying on us" "Eren, it's ok... Hanji is out there looking after them. When I'm with you, I'm with you... so let me take care of you" "What if this means something's wrong? The pain and the heats that aren't heats? What if giving birth broke me... and it can't be fixed" "Do you want me to book you a doctor's appointment?" "I don't want to be touched. I'm sick of people touching me" "Including me?" "No... I couldn't to begin with... but it feels better now" "Good. Because I love touching you" "I kind of noticed. I don't think you've come the hard in a while" "Nope. There's like 3 months worth there" "You didn't touch yourself at all?" "No. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable" "You didn't have to do that" "I know. You're my mate, all I want is you to be happy" "I know you have urges, it's ok to take care of them" "I'll remember that" "Good... you've given up enough to be with me" "I haven't given up anything. You're my life and you're the one who's given me so much" "You sound like a card" "Don't think I don't remember that we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day" "We don't have to. I don't want to do anything for my birthday either" "Too bad. I've got something planned already" "You do?" "I do. And I know you're going to love it" "Then I should apologise now, incase I'm not ok or I loose it at you" "I'll be very surprised if you do" "You've met me, right?" "I would hope so? We have a son and all" "This is true" Kissing Eren's shoulder he squeezed him tight "I think my knots starting to deflate, we shouldn't be stuck like this much longer" "Mmm. Ok" Eren was bleeding a little, small tearing along side his scars. He was going to have to make that appointment after all. Cleaning Eren down, he left his mate in their room so he could go deal with Hanji. Hanji poking her tongue out as he came stumbling out their bed room "Oooooh. Someone got laid" "That's none of our business" "I didn't think Eren would be up for sex" "It wasn't just sex. Our bonds been shaky so I was remarking him" "I heard him crying. You were gentle right?" "Right up until you came breaking in and scared him" "I did message ahead. Anna's nappy bag is down near the sofa, she's a little cranky this morning, but cartoons help" The little girl was already laying on the sofa with her eyes glued to the TV "It's fine. Now give me my son" Hanji nodded, passing Viren to him "I think he's hungry, I was going to make a bottle, but I have no idea where you keep your formula" "We haven't been using formula. Anyway, go to work. Is Erwin picking her up later?" "No. He's working tonight, he's going to swing by after work" So Anna was staying the night... she'd have to sleep in Eren's room... great. Eren would want to be there for her, and that would mean another night without Eren... Hanji was lucky Eren wanted Anna here, or she'd be finding herself an actual babysitter, instead of stressing his omega. As he took Viren into his hold, he said a prayer that Anna wouldn't upset Eren, and that Eren wouldn't have a panic attack if she did. * Eren was having a shaky start to his birthday. He was anxious as fuck over what Levi had planned, especially when his alpha wasn't giving him any clues. Levi had had him express the day before, because apparently they were going to be gone for hours. He'd even slept walk the previous night, confused and dazed when Levi pulled him out the bathtub, not remembering how he got there at all. It was terrifying to be doing things he couldn't remember, like how he'd lashed out and broken the bathroom mirror, not knowing what he'd done until he was standing there with a bloodied fist. His omega had calmed a little after Levi had remarked him, and while the sex had been nice, the pain hadn't. His doctor said he wasn't able to find anything wrong with him, his thinking seemed to be that it was all in his head. Levi had asked for an ultrasound, but all that showed was scarring from birth. Proving he was right. He was broken. Dressed in jeans that were a little tight, and possibly Levi's instead of his own, he wore a simple black T-shirt. Levi wouldn't tell him where they were going, only that he'd love it. Admitting he was intending to bring Viren with them, but the pup had cried almost the whole day before, and no matter he tried, the baby boy wouldn't settle. It was stupidly relieving when he wouldn't settle for Levi either, though it hurt to hear how distressed he was. Erwin was babysitting for them while they were out, and Hanji was going to join him after work and collecting Anna from day care... It seemed to Eren that the little girl spent more time with them than anyone else in her life. The one off babysitting during Hanji's long arse shift had turned into them babysitting for every long arse shift where Hanji finished outside of daycare hours. He loved Anna, but she was so fussy. Titan would play with her, tears. The wrong bottle, tears. The wrong toy, tears. It was exhausting, but after Hanji and Moblit had taken him in, it was the least he could do to repay some small measure of that kindness. Sitting in the passenger seat, Eren was staring at the outside world, completely lost. Levi had initially wanted to trade his car in, disgusted that Reiner had driven it. But those feelings had passed and the car had a lot of good memories. Like the first time they had sex, and when Levi had brought him home from Karanes. Even if he couldn't drive, he felt like Levi's car was part of his identity, thus the safety he felt with Levi extended to the car. It was like his other safe place. After what seemed like an hour long drive, Levi pulled up in front of what he assumed was a hotel. The building was massive, its white walls seemed to extend all the way up to the clouds "We're here" "You know I have no idea where "here" is, right?" "If you did, it wouldn't be a surprise. Let me grab the bag from the back" "Wait? You packed a bag? What's going on?" His anxieties decided now would be a nice time to whisper that Levi was getting rid of him. Climbing from the car, he could barely breathe as Levi took his time grabbing his small suitcase out the back, then joining him "Eren, it's ok. This is part of the surprise" "Sorry... I'm just..." "On edge. I know. I wanted to do something flashier, but I didn't want you feeling too overwhelmed" "Flashier?" "Yep. Are you ready?" "I don't know? Am I?" "I think you are" Taking his hand, Levi lead him along the footpath and to the shiny glass doors of the building, there wasn't a single smudge in sight, and stepping through them, they were greeted by a massive open space. Rows of neat doors disappeared upwards, three glass elevators the only access by the seems of it. Hanging from the ceiling, what seemed to be glass stars sparkled above the reception desk. Eren reasoned with himself that there was no way it could be glass. Not when the space between the floor and the roof had to be at least 50 metres tall. He'd never been in a space so big and clean. Lead over to the reception, he was too in awe to hear what Levi was talking to receptionist about. The whole building screamed high class, something he definitely wasn't. Before he knew what was happening, Levi was towing him over to the glass elevators "Your eyes are as wide as dinner plates" "This place is amazing... I've never seen anything like it" "That was the plan. Do you want to watch as we go up?" Clutching his alpha, his knees weakened as the elevator began to move upwards with Levi's selection, everyone shrinking beneath him, and he was sure he left his stomach on the first floor "Holy shit" "It's pretty impressive" "It's amazing" Watching as they passed the stars, he loosened his hold on Levi a little "Are those glass?" "I would say so" "No way. How can people work under them. What if they fell?" "Then they'd be fucked and we'd get the call" Eren scrunched up his nose at the thought. He couldn't do it. The constant fear of having the stars fall. Nope. 10 out of 10 he'd never take a job here. Not that he could get one, even ask stripper. Some alpha's had kink for pregnant dancers, but no one ever talked about what happened after the birth. Arriving on some ungodly high floor, Levi lead him along the neat row of doors until he found the one he was searching for. Inserting the key into the lock, the door opened silently. Eren standing there and watching as Levi stepped in "You coming?" "You got a room?" "Yep" They were in Shinganshima. They had a perfectly good apartment. He was confused as fuck as to why they were here... and honestly, he was missing his pup. He feared spending so much time away, would undo any of the love they had between them. Following Levi into the room, he let out a gasp. It was on a whole other level "Do you like it?" "It's amazing!" The bed was absolutely massive. He'd never seen a bed that big in his life. Everything about the place screamed money, yet all the high end furnishings were practical. Taking his hand, Levi used his foot to close the door behind him, before leading him over to the massive bed. Sitting down, Levi pulled him into his lap "Surprise" "Why did you do all this? This is just... it must have cost a fortune" Laughing softly, Levi took his other hand in his "Last year, we didn't have a chance to celebrate your birthday. We didn't have a chance to celebrate Valentine's Day, and you were the only one prepared for Christmas. It doesn't make up for any of that, but today is your birthday and I want it to be as special as you are" "Then shouldn't we be at a budget motel?" "Do you really think I'd let you stay in a filthy place like that?" "No. Knowing you, you'd bring your own sheets" "Damn right I would. We have a little time before we need to head down" "Head down?" "Yep. This place has a day spa, and I know a certain omega that deserves the shit pampered out of him" "Levi" Letting go of his right hand, Levi tucked Eren's fringe back behind his ear "I might not understand all the beauty products and cream stuff, but I know it's important to you. And I'll be there with you" "You. At a day spa?" "Yes, me at a day spa" Eren really couldn't even imagine Levi getting a manicure or pedicure. He'd probably grimace at every little thing. Mental images from the movies, left giggling slightly. The women always wore robes and had their hair wrapped up in a towel. Just the thought of Levi dressed like that was a scowl on his face, was too much "Are you laughing at me?" "Maybe" Leaning up to kiss him, Eren was still in shock over everything. This place was like a freakin palace! "So, we have a few hours. Do you want to take a bath, or have a shower? Or sleep?" "Did you seriously get a room so we could sleep?" "Yep. I know you're worried about Viren, and I am too. But when was the last time you got more than three hours sleep at a time?" "I can't remember" "Exactly. I think we both deserve some time to recharge" Eren nodded slowly "Don't worry. I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't want to have sex with you, but that wasn't the reason I chose getting a room for the night" "It's not like I never want to have sex with you again. It just hurts" "I know. I'm happy to bottom, and I'm happy to wait" What was he supposed to say to that?! How had he snagged the most perfect alpha in existence? His happiness fell again when he realised that Levi would be seeing him naked... "What's wrong?" "My body... isn't pretty" "We've talked about this. You are more than your body" "But. You're so handsome, I want to look good for you" "You know, I think you're sexy. Even when Viren has vomited in you hair and you haven't slept in days. You're still the most sexiest person I've ever met" "I think we need to get your eyes checked" Levi huffed playfully "My eyesight is perfectly fine" "I don't know I'm ready" "Eren, we are the only two people here. I'm the only one who's going to see" "It's because it's you" "In that case..." Lifting him by his arse, Eren clung to his alpha as Levi strode through the room and to the open bathroom. Sitting him on the counter, he was shirtless before he realised what was happening. Burying his face between his breasts, Levi mouthed the spot as his alpha unclipped his bra, letting it slip forward as his mate firmly groped his breasts. Shit. The only one who'd been touching his breasts was Viren for his feed. Still sensitive, Eren mewed as Levi massaged them, moving to suck lightly on his right nipple into a peak, then doing the same to his left. Feeling his alpha growing hard, his head lolled back as Levi rolled his hips "Levi..." Kissing his way down, his alpha began mouthing at his stomach, his hands continuing to torture him with pleasure, his feelings mixing into something he couldn't describe as his milk spilt. Contenting himself with Eren's stomach, it wasn't until his milk was running down Levi's wrists that his mate moved back to his nipples, drinking deeply from each of them. The throbbing between his legs growing painful, his dick trapped as Levi continued grinding against him "Levi... I'm gonna come..." Nuzzling, Levi massaged his breasts harder, his teeth lightly biting on Eren's nipple... "Levi..." Keeping his teeth around his nipple, Levi nodded "Come for me" Thrusting up, Eren came with a cry. Levi biting down as he grunted. Rocking his hips to meet his alpha's, Eren rode out his orgasm, his underwear soaked as Levi pulled off from his nipple, burying his face against Eren's neck as they both panted "Shit..." It took Eren a moment to realise "Did you just come?" Nodding, Levi kissed his collar bone "You're so fucking hot" Starting to suck a hickey on his collar bone, Eren took Levi's head in his hands pull him back "What are you doing?" "Marking you as mine" "I've your mark, what I need is a bath" Levi nodded, standing up on tiptoe to kiss Eren's forehead "One bath coming up" Still not comfortable about his stomach, Eren played big spoon in the bath as Levi insisted on bathing with him. It was nice to be the one holding his alpha, their legs tangled together as Levi's head rested against his chest, giving him the perfect position to play with Levi's greying hair. He'd never expected a birthday surprised like this, but knowing they were safely locked in, helped ease the pressure in chest. Levi had been right. It'd been so long since they'd been able to do what they liked, or taken the time to recharge. The way he was looking at it now was that Viren wouldn't have such an insufferable and sleep deprived, cranky cow of a mother. He still felt guilty over needing time to heal away from his son, but Levi was fast easing that too. From the bath they changed, then headed down to the day spa. Eren happy to find that it was run by omegas, and that he wouldn't have to let another strange alpha touch him... even if he was jealous as all hell when an omega started massaging Levi during their couple massage. His mate holding his hand the whole time, even when his arm went numb. Unfortunately Levi wasn't forced to wear his hair up, and refused to have a facial done, so that particular daydream was forced to stay locked in his mind. His mate did have a mani and pedi done, scowling the whole way through, as he'd thought he would. By the end of their visit, Eren couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so relaxed or good. His aching hips and shoulders no longer throbbing, while his skin actually felt human. The lingering scents of cucumber and green tea secretly thrilling him, given his beauty regime had gone to shit and no one had warned him that after giving birth, pimple were a common thing. Despite having faced the horrors of a day spa, Levi was smiling as he lead him through the casino area. He'd thought it was just a hotel... and his alpha promised to bring him back down later so they could play the machines. The place stunk of alphas, despite the clear muting of tones provided by scent cancellers. His nose was just too tender from his limited exposure to strangers over the last few months. But, having a firm hold on Levi's arm, and having his alpha walk slightly in front of him, helped to make him feel protected. He didn't doubt for a second that Levi would go any alpha that so much as glanced in direction. Reaching the food court area, they chose a place at random with time proven scientific method of "eeny meeny". Resulting in lunch being some of the most delicious seafood and wine he'd ever had. The alcohol going straight to his head, leaving him a babbling was about how nice everything was. Because it really was. Returning to their room after lunch, both of them were full and sleepy. Stripping down to just their shirts and underwear, the pair of them climbed into the mammoth bed, Eren once again happy to play big spoon to Levi, before they both passed out for the next four hours. Eren waking slightly before Levi did, and found his alpha purring in his sleep. This day may have been for him, but Levi had needed all of this as much as he did. Nuzzling his fiancées nape, he breathed in Levi's scent with a happy sigh. It was hard to believe he could actually feel so happy after having such a shitty start to his morning "Mmm. I can feel that, brat" Rolling in his hold, Levi pulled him up so he was laying chest to chest with the man. Rubbing his back, his alpha yawned at him "Have a good nap?" "Mhmm. Thank you. I didn't know I needed all of this" With his other hand, Levi cupped his right cheek "You're very welcome. What time do you think it is?" "I don't know" "I made dinner reservations at the rooftop restaurant for 6:30" Eren groaned, letting his head fall forward "You've got to stop doing things like that" "I don't know about that. The view is supposed to be amazing" Eren went to reply, only for the sound of Levi's alarm to interrupt "What's that?" "My 5:45 reminder" "When'd it get so late?" "That's what happens when you relax. Time slips away. We should get up and get ready. I've packed for you" "You did?" "Yeah. Unless you want to put my jeans back on" "I knew they were tight. That's what happens when you drag me out of bed" "Hey. I'm not complaining. I'm happy to have you in my pants anytime" "God. You're such a sap. I'm getting up" Climbing off Levi, Eren stretched as he walked over to the discarded suitcase to shut Levi's stupid alarm off "Hey, Eren?" Pausing, he looked over "Mmm?" "Are you an alien? Because your arse is out this world" "No. I'm a baseball star. My arse is out of your league" Levi blinked before cracking up laughing "If you're a baseball star, you know all about reaching third base" "Oh my god... I think that pitch just landed you in the penalty zone" "I don't know. It seemed more like a home run to me" Launching himself off the bed, Levi jogged over and swept him off his feet. Spinning him around and holding him with his crossed arms under Eren's arse "I love you, Eren Yeager" "I love you too, you idiot. Put me down" Levi lowered him, his fiancée then nuzzling into his face "I really love you" "I love you, too. And your constipated face. And your shit pickup lines" "If you want to hear about shit lines... Did you hear how diarrhoea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans" Eren groaned, pushing Levi away "Why the fuck am I engaged to you?" "Because you love me" "I do. I know I haven't been great about saying it... but I do" "I know. I'm still sorry I was an arse about it" "That was weeks ago... things have been better, haven't they?" "Yeah... I was acting foolish and letting my own frustrations get the better of me. I just wish you could see what you mean to me" He really couldn't... but as the feelings of self loathing began to rose, he shoved them down with a strained smile "Let's get dressed for dinner" "Yeah. Sounds good" Levi was secretive as he emptied their suitcase. A large white box was carefully moved to sit on the bed, while his alpha pulled his suit from nowhere. Dressing in his suit pants, formal shirt, green tie and dress shoes, Levi was much the same except his alpha was wearing a silver tie. Apparently the restaurant had a dress code, but wearing a suit was hardly that much of a big deal, given he got to see Levi in his and that always made him swoon. Even having to pad his leaking breasts didn't matter... well it did, but Levi was so good about it, and helped him do it. There was a minor incident when they first arrived at the restaurant. Eren was required to wear a green band around his wrist as he was an omega, which Levi got angry over on his behalf. Unlike the rest of the casino, it seemed like the only place in the whole complex which didn't employ the use of an scent cancellers, sending his heart racing and nerves sky high. When they were finally seated, his hands were shaking too badly to read the menu, and his words seemed to have stopped. Moving his chair closer to Eren's, Levi took his hand, his thumb running the back of it as his alpha's scent turned into a steady stream of calming pheromones until he could finally breathe again. A few of the closer tables eyed them in annoyance, but a glare from Levi had them soon actively avoiding looking in their direction "I'm so sorry. I had no idea this would happen" Resting his cheek against Levi's shoulder, Eren sighed softly "It's alright. You're here to protect me" "Damn straight I am. Though it pisses me off to no fucking end that people still act like this" "Levi. Can we not talk about it? Everything's been so perfect. Let's have a nice dinner?" "Yeah. If you feel like it's becoming too much, let me know" "I will" He wouldn't. There was no way in hell he was going to admit he wanted to run back to their room. That would be giving into his fears and anxieties, something Levi had tried so hard to distract him from all day. Ordering meals they both wanted to try, Eren's world slowly shrunk back to the two of them. Levi clumsily trying to feed him bites, while Eren laughed because the first time his mate had tried, he'd nearly ended up with a fork up the nose. His own skills had been just as bad. The pair of them were definitely not made for fine dining. Finishing with the most amazing cheesecake he'd ever had, just because he was sure it was the only cheesecake he'd ever had didn't make it any less amazing, Eren felt like his weren't even touching the ground as they headed back to their room. It may have also had something to do with the amount of champagne they'd both had... but that was a distant thought on the omegas mind. He'd actually managed to pull off being normal... he couldn't quite believe it. Walking back into their room, Levi had his arms around his waist as Eren made a beeline for the bed. Dropping down, he sighed dramatically, narrowly missing the white box as he did. Grabbing his arm, Levi pulled him up to sit, his alpha kneeling in front of him. For a moment, he thought Levi was going to undo his shoes, instead the alpha pulled a small box from his pocket. Popping it open, Eren's eyes widened at the gold and diamond ring in front of him "Eren Yeager, I know we're already engaged, and I know you're engagement ring is stuck on my finger... but I love you. I want to be with you forever, and build upon the family we have formed. You're it for me. I don't want anyone else. I could never want anyone else as long as I live. Will you accept this shitty old man's proposal?" Tears rushed to fill his eyes, nodding as he stuttered out "Y-yes" Snorting lightly, Levi pulled the ring from the box, taking Eren's shaking left hand and sliding the ring on smoothly. It was roughly the same size as the one he wore around his neck, leaving Eren wondering how the fuck Levi managed to get the sizing perfect "It's beautiful" "You're beautiful" Rising up, Levi lifted him by his legs as Eren slung his arms over Levi's shoulders. Their lips smashing into each other as the kissed deeply. He'd thought Levi was only half serious about proposing, then not serious at all given his insecurities. Moaning into Levi's mouth, it didn't take long before they were fighting each other in a race to get undressed. Lubricated by a generous serve of alcohol, his fears over sex had temporarily vanished. Levi burying his face between his legs and opening his tongue and fingers until he was practically begging to be mounted. Frustrated when his mate wouldn't just give in, he growled, pushing Levi to the bed and climbing into his lap. Claiming his fiancées mouth, he lined himself up, sinking down with a long whine, the pain still there, but dulled by champagne. Riding Levi, he couldn't get enough. His heart swollen with love for his alpha, as Levi fondled his breasts, whispering words of praise until Eren built up his rhythm enough to be blindly fucking himself on Levi's erection. Coming across Levi's belly, his alpha growled, hands abandoning his breasts in favour of grabbing his hips and holding him down. Words of breeding and filling him pleased his omega, his own mind too far gone as Levi drove into him harshly, a second orgasm curling his toes as Levi came hard. Collapsing down, his teeth found Levi's neck, sinking into the flesh without a moments hesitation. Levi returning the favour, his third orgasm dry and draining him of the lasybof strength. Inside him, his mate seemed to grow even larger, as his dick pulsed again, painting his warm heat even whiter. Rolling his hips, he could feel himself rippling, trying to drain every drop of come his mate. Keeping his teeth embedded in his mate, he waited until Levi's hips stopped moving before pulling back and lapping at the wound. His whole body felt alive from their bond. Tears filled his eyes as he hid his face against Levi's neck. Wrapping his arms around him, Levi purred softly "You're my everything Eren. And I'm going to be by your side, no matter how long it takes for you to see how truly special you are. You're my hope" "You're making my proposal seem completely unplanned" "I don't know. I think I love your proposal" "I think I love you" "I know you love me. Never leave my side brat" "I won't. And if I do, bring me home" "Always" "Thank you, Levi" "You're most welcome" When Levi's knot deflated, the crawled up the bed so Eren could lay spooned in Levi's arms. His arse painfully sore, but it was worth it. The white box that had some how survived their sexcapades now sitting in front of him "What's in the box?" "Oh... you don't have to open it" Anyone who was anyone knew that was clearly an invitation to open it. Using his fingertips to draw it closer, he flicked the side up. Inside was a chocolate cake with pink candles "Happy birthday" "You got me a cake?" "I made you a cake. I don't know if it's any good, but I did follow the recipe" "Levi... why didn't you tell me?" "It was a surprise" "Do you think they'll care if we eat cake in bed?" "They can get fucked. What my omega wants, he gets" Eren giggled "Mmm. What if I want cake and you?" "Well, right now, you've got both. So I think you're pretty set" "Yeah... do you mind if we leave early tomorrow?" "You want to leave early?" "I want to see Viren" "You miss him" "Yeah... I know I'm not a great mum... and I'm still scared of hurting him, but I love him and I want to be better for him" "You're an amazing mum. No mum is perfect, but you give him the one thing he really needs" "Milk?" "Love" "Oh. Right" Levi reached over, closing the cake box "How would you feel about me riding you?" "I could support that. Just be careful. I'm sore" "I will..." Somehow Eren doubted he and Levi were going to sit properly for the rest of the week, but that was perfectly alright with him.

[ivorytowerblr]

NaNoWriMo 2017: Aug 2nd

I’m close to being what I should write for a day except that my brain refuses to engage. I guess those extra 100 words will appear elsewhere.

Word Count: 1035 Monthly Word Count: 1473 P00revious: November (Masterpost); December (Masterpost); January (Masterpost); February (Masterpost); March (Masterpost); April (Masterpost); May (Masterpost); June (Masterpost); July (Masterpost); August: 1st.

“He said much the same to me, I am fearful… if they were taken from me permanently or killed, there is little that I wouldn’t burn. One of the keepers took a child to use against me and he failed.” Angel’s expression was as steel, and Auric shivered. “I must keep her safe until her parents are found… one way or another.”

“Malcador thinks they’re alive,” Auric said, and paused at one of the doors. He tapped it carefully, then pressed his palm against the lock. The door hissed slightly and opened. “Here, he said that storing information in our hands is the way of the future.”

“Clever, to be sure. I’m afraid it wouldn’t work quite as well with flesh and blood.” Auric pushed the door open and reached to turn on the light, stumbling slightly as he stepped over the threshold. Angel held his arm firmly and he relaxed a little. “Malcador said we could spend some time here catching up.”

Angel nodded once. “Is this… how normal people live?”

Auric glanced through the apartment: it was dark and sterile, absent of residents, slightly cold from the lack of human presence. Auric took a breath. “It can be, yes, though there’s usually more of a lived-in feeling. We’re safe here, the door will lock behind us.”

Angel guided him to a chair to sit down, and then looked around. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. We were never permitted to be inside a real home. They hid us in the dark, and now I’ve met the others, the webbed ones, while looking for them. They said they’ll look too.”

Auric tensed. “That’s dangerous, isn’t it?”

“More dangerous than keeping us as slaves?” Angel paced away from him, her wings rising in anger, and then back, standing in front of him. “More dangerous than confining us down in the dark?”

“Angel…” Auric reached out, letting his hand rest on her arm. She looked down at him, meeting his gaze. The technician put his hand on her hip and drew her a little closer. “We’ll find them. Now that I’m up and around I can help you.”

“I haven’t been able to trust anyone before,” Angel whispered. “My people… I exist to keep them safe, they’re fragile and need to be protected. My predecessor died when I was still a child. Since then, I’ve been alone. He was alone too.”

“You aren’t alone,” Auric said, drawing her closer. “I promise you that you aren’t alone.”

Angel leaned in and kissed him softly, her mouth clumsy as it moved. Auric tugged her into his lap, kissing her back, guiding her carefully. His hands roamed over her lower back and were arrested by her wings. Immediately, his fingers began to explore the feathers there.

“You--” Angel hissed, and Auric paused. “No, don’t stop. I’ve just… I didn’t realize how it felt. I’ve had my feathers groomed but you feel different.”

“It probably has something to do with my metal hands,” Auric murmured. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I’ll be clumsy.”

“They feel warm,” Angel insisted. “They’re not uncomfortable. Is this to be done here? My people have nests to sleep in.”

“Just like a bird,” Auric said, smiling. “No, there should be a bed but it won’t be much of anything. Malcador said we could rest here so there will be sheets and blankets. You can make a nest out of those.”

“Most birds don’t actually sleep in nests unless they’re tending to eggs or hatchlings,” Angel said, and drew back. “Where is the bedroom kept?”

“It should be just there,” Auric said, pointing towards it. “This isn’t my apartment, so--”

Angel lifted Auric into her arms, securing him firmly. The technician felt his heart skip a beat as the thrill of it surged through him. “You’re heavier than before. Not too much, just a little.”

“It’s probably the metal limbs,” Auric murmured. “I haven’t forgotten how strong you are, but it thrills me anyway.”

“That’s a… a good thing, I hope.” Angel hefted him and carried him towards the bedroom, nudging open the door before entering it. The lights within the room were off, and illumination spilled through the doorway, creating a pathway to the bed. As promised, there was little of note on it, but when Angel set Auric down, he was struck by the notion that it didn’t matter.

“You’re beautiful,” Auric said as he looked up at her. “I thought so before, but we were strangers then.”

“Is that why you plummeted off of the spire?” Angel asked, cupping his face between her hands. “Because you fell for me?”

Auric laughed softly. “I definitely did. Are you certain you want to do this with me?”

In response, Angel bent to kiss him again, stroking her fingers along his cheeks. Auric closed his eyes and pulled her closer still until she was straddling his lap. He kissed her back eagerly, and ran his fingers up her back, stroking gently along her spine.

I can still feel that she’s warm, even with hands like these, Auric thought, dazed. It’s a good thing I have more practice with my new arms than with my legs.

“Will you undress me?” Angel murmured between kisses. “I’m not completely ignorant of what needs to happen in situations like this.”

“Is ‘situation’ what we call having sex with someone you care about now?” Auric asked, and reached around to unfasten Angel’s wrap, letting the cloth fall to the ground. “That’s new.”

Angel flicked his shoulder warningly, and Auric chuckled, taking a moment to appreciate the strength of her form, the soft hairs on her arms, the cleft between her breasts that made him want to lean in and nuzzle them, which he did a moment later.

“Mm,” said Angel appreciatively as her fingers stroked along the back of his head. “More of that, please.”

“Like this?” Auric said, nuzzling again, then ran his lips down the curve of her breast until his mouth was poised over her nipple. “Or this?”

“Definitely--” Angel cried out as Auric swirled his tongue around her nipple, then cupped her breast in one hand while the other stroked a gentle line down, between her legs.

[pineque]

Ford’s (D46′\) Timeline

*cracks my motherfucking knuckles* alright my dudes @fordanoia asked me to share my Ford Timeline (which also includes some Stan and Fiddleford events). Now, this sucker took hours to put together so I’m putting it under a read more. The timeline is mostly about 1982 and before, but I put a few extra things in. 

Alright first I’m going to go through Ford’s diary journal for everyone that hasn’t read it and then get on with the timeline and explain how I chose the rest of the dates. I might make an ‘events only’ timeline graphic just in case anyone wants a simple, straightforward reference. If you’re interested in something like that, let me know and I’ll whip it up.

So the first date Journal 3 (J3) gives us is June 18th. The next sentence says that as of this date, it’s been six years since Ford arrived in GF. According to Ford’s own timeline, he arrived in 1975. This means that the current year is 1981. (There is one problem with Ford’s timeline. He pins 1981 as “Discovery of Muse,” but only like 7 pages earlier he wrote that Bill had been visiting him for two years so… I’m not including it). Sometime during this month, while writing about a category one ghost, Ford notes that he is a man in his 30’s.

The next important date J3 gives us is July 18th. This is the day Ford decides he needs help on the portal. The previous four pages detail Ford’s dream in which Bill tells him to build the portal and the plans for it, so I’m assuming he’d only been working on it for a week or two before he decided to call Fiddleford. That brings us to our next date, July 29th. Fiddleford arrives in GF.

Our two boys get to work and eventually hike to Crash Site Omega (CSO)(which Ford discovered two years ago aka 1979) for portal parts. Fiddleford gets fucked by the Gremloblin and spends some time being traumatized. During this week or two he makes the memory gun. Ford tells him to destroy it and Fidds uses it against him. He keeps the gun and Ford believes it has been destroyed. After this, Ford takes Fidds to the carnival. Ford gets the coolest fortune-telling experience ever, but he’s an ass and doesn’t believe any of it. Fidds has a chat with Ivan and then they go home. Fidds suggests they make an underground lab (fallout shelter) and they spend A LOT of time on it. After an accident that results in locking up the shapeshifter, they seal off the bunker and decide to work on it after the portal is done.

And now we’re back in the important stuff. A few nights before the completion of the portal, Bill offers to take over Ford’s body so he could do more work while Ford slept ((I feel like it is really important to note that Bill was only able to possess Ford for a few days before Fidds left. The possession thing was Not something that went on for years and there wasn’t any Bord and Fidds interaction/intimidation. Y'all can write or draw or make anything you want obviously and it is something that is a little contradicted by ‘possessed while meditating’ shot the show)). When he wakes up the work is competed, but his right eye is already starting to hurt.

Our first dated entry since Fidds’ arrival is January 17th, (1982), the night before Testing Day. Fidds tries to talk Ford out of testing the portal but he refuses. So January 18th, Fiddleford leaves. Ford is pissed and plans to talk to Bill when he goes to sleep, but throughout the day he becomes suspicious of Bill. That night Ford confronts Bill, as seen in the show, and he shuts the portal down. He begins his “sleep as little as possible” plan. Ford writes that “F is nowhere to be found,” so he begins to research Bill alone in the hopes of finding a way to destroy him.

Several weeks later, Ford’s paranoia is beginning to really set in. He catches his first glimpse of the Society of the Blind Eye. He wonders about them but generally leaves them alone in favor of his own problems. He begins to use invisible ink to add more information to his previous entries.

The next entry we get is something I call the Truck Stop Disaster. Ford had been getting coffee from this truck stop for weeks bc it was the only thing helping him stay awake, but while a guy was giving him advice to stay awake he hears him speak in Bill’s voice. He looks up and sees that everyone in the diner has glowing, yellow eyes. He flees the diner and runs until he collapses in a Twin Bed Motel parking lot. Plan Call Stanley begins to form in his mind.

Ford hides J2 but continues to write in J3 while he waits for Stan to come for J1. He mentions that “the first snow has already fallen,” and that he cannot leave his house until Stan arrives. However, over the next few days(?) Ford’s mind really starts slipping. Bill begins to take full advantage of his instability in order to write unsettling things in J3 and Ford is pushed to his limit. He decides to bury J3 before Stan gets there and that’s the last we get from 1982 Ford.

So now it’s time to piece together the rest. Let’s start off with one of the most interesting dates: When did Ford fall into the portal? 

My friend @killhitleragain ((I hadn’t even considered this so seriously thanks for pointing it out)) brought up that there is a bit of a problem when it comes to deciding when Ford leaves GF. There is evidence presented in the show that is contradicted by Ford’s writing in J3, so there are two possible dates depending on whether you prefer the show or J3. I’ll go into J3 first (I’ll openly admit I have a heavy J3 bias) and then I’ll go over the show. 

Our requirements for this date are that it has to be snowing, it has to be 1982, and it has to be after Fiddleford creates the Society of the Blind Eye (which happens in February). According to The Internet, Oregon’s winter lasts from November-March. J3 points to Ford entering the portal in November and not in February or March. The most telling piece of evidence is Ford’s mention of “the first snow.” By the time we get to that entry, a minimum of 5-6 weeks has already past since Jan 18th. It just doesn’t make sense for the first snow of the winter to fall in March, the last month of the season (and at the very end of the month too). Oregon winter would be over by this point and the wicked snowstorm we see Stan arrive in just shouldn’t be possible during that time of the year. Also, during No Sleep Time, Ford spent a few weeks walking back and forth between his house in the middle of the woods and a truck stop “out on route 14.” I don’t know how far away that might be from his house, but it’s probably far enough that he wouldn’t be able to get there that consistently every day in the winter on foot.

So according to J3, our first new date is November, 1982. Ford enters the portal. But now it’s time for the show route. 

Our requirements are the same, but the show, specifically the backgrounds, points to March being the month Ford left, not November. When Stan first enters Ford’s room in aToTS Ford’s calendar has a woodpecker on it. In Carpet Diem Ford’s calendar has an owl on it for July. This means that Stan had to be the one to flip the calendar. Since he left it on July, my interpretation is that he used Ford’s room from March till July, which is when he sealed the room off. Also, when Stan is walking through town after spending a few weeks holed up in Ford’s house, the snow from the storm looks like it is starting to melt. This could be because it’s March, the end of winter. 

So I’ll leave this up to you to decide which date you want to go with. I’m assuming that either month is also the month Stan gets Ford’s note and leaves his flat in New Mexico.

The dates of anything else that happens in 1982 are a little easier to nail down. Our only two sources are both incredibly unreliable and have huge holes in their memories, but Fidds’ dated memory clips help a lot. 

January 18th. Day 1 of Fiddleford’s lost memories. February 9th. Day 22 of Fiddleford’s lost memories. The creation of the Society of the Blind Eye. Sometime in Feb/Mar. Ford leaves his house and discovers the Society. July 26th. Day 189 of Fiddleford’s lost memories. “Hit another car in town today.” This is the last time we see him in his original house/apartment. October 18th. Day 273 of Fiddleford’s lost memories. He’s now filming from a motel. I believe that sometime between day 189 and day 273 is when Fiddleford’s “first memory” (the newspaper article) takes place. The headline of the paper is “Disoriented Man Found At Museum,” but what I think is more important is the actual article title, “Sent Packing.” I took this to mean that he was kicked out of where he was previously staying and had to move to the motel.

So now that we have that mess of a year out of the way, it’s time to start moving backwards.

July 29th, 1981. Fiddleford arrives in GF. June 18th, 1981. Ford begins J3. 1979. Ford discovers CSO. June, 1975. Ford arrives in GF. We know based on aToTS that around this time Stan was living out of his car. May, 1975. Ford gets his first Ph.D and is given a grant to study whatever he wants. Sometime between 1970 and 1975 is when Stan dates Carla McCorkle. The two of them spent their time at a “50's themed, 1970's diner.” I want to say that their relationship took place in the early seventies bc Stan still had the same clothes and hair style as he did in high school.

Here’s where it starts to get a little trickier, but once you have one date the rest fall into place. The youngest Ford can be in 1981 is 30, which means he can’t be born any later than 1951. For the sake of trial and error, let’s assume this is the year he was born.

June 15th, 1951. Stanford and Stanley Pines are born.

In aToTS, Stan starts his story with “It all started... a lifetime ago... nineteen sixty something.” This could be referring to one of two things. 1.) Stanford’s science project, or (what I personally like to think) 2.) The discovery of the Stan O’ War. If the latter is true, then that would put the discovery at 1961-1963 when they are 10-12 years old.

Because the boys are born in June, they’ll be 17 (about to turn 18) when they graduate. This puts Ford’s graduation at June, 1968. Stanley was most likely kicked out early fall of 1967, based on his attire and the weather. Also, most college applications and scoutings and such happen in the fall. (I’m not sure if this was the same in the sixties, but oh well.) ((WC Tech could have been doing some spring of junior year scouting, but I refuse to believe that that wasn’t their senior year science fair bc Stan getting kicked out when he was 16 is Not Allowed.)) 

Ford starts college at BackUpsMore in the fall of 1968 and will earn his undergraduate degree in 1972. In aToTS, Ford says that he went from undergrad to Ph.D three years early. The Internet says that the average doctorate takes 6 years to earn. If he started his Ph.D program in the fall and spent three years completing it, then he would end up in 1975 with a degree and a large grant, ready to arrive in GF that June. Boom. 

A few more additions that I like:

August 31st, 1999. Mystery Twins 2.0 are born.

July, 2002. Soos is adapted by starts to work for Stan at the Mystery Shack. 

Early August, 2012. Ford returns to Dimension 46′\. I really want to say that it was August 8th, but it could have also been August 1st. 

August 31st, 2012. Mabel and Dipper’s 13th birthday. The Original Mystery Twins officially make up. 

2043. Ford dies of a heart attack at 92???

Timeline complete. Message me if you have any questions or want to poke holes in my logic. It’s 3:32am so I might have missed a few things.

PS I didn’t include any Shermie dates bc I just don’t think there’s enough Hard Evidence for me to confidently make any statements about him.

[farfromdaylight]

OKAY HERE WE GO, THE STAT POST TO END ALL STAT POSTS

first and most important: what the everliving fuck, i wrote a million words in a year. if you told me this time last year that this was what i was going to aspire to, i would have assumed it was an april fool's joke. like. lmao you're kidding right.

end total was 1,000,111! i had wanted a million and one words but when i calcuated my numbers i had, uh, a million and thirty. :"| so i had to write some 80 words in the like 10 minutes i had left. way to go, me.

october is highlighted for a very important reason: it's the month i switched to colemak. the fact that my wph/wpm has only improved since that time is a pretty strong vote in its favor, i think. i do still experience hand pain, but i think that has more to do with the fact that i write for two hours a day than the keyboard layout. certainly it's nice to have a more ergonomic design. (most of my current pain is actually from my mouse location; working on fixing that issue next.)

more highlights & tl;dr under the cut bc heaven knows this is going to get obnoxiously long

firstly, a project breakdown -- what is that million words made of?

immortal au -- 813,127 words (unintentional but delightful)

everybody says this is your home -- 166,680 words

roughly 20k of cuts, snippets, drabbles, etc

so, not surprising; heaven knows i only worked on two real stories in the past year. this is something i want to change over this next year, though i'm not yet sure what those stories will be.

highs & lows

most words written in a single day: 11,181 (11/1)

most time spent writing in a single day: 8 hours, 20 minutes (11/1) (start of nano, also i was going on vacation that weekend and wanted a buffer)

least words written/day: 80 (9/24)

least time spent/day: 5 minutes (9/24) (i had had zero sleep)

best words per hour/minute: 2159/36 (2/26) (i wrote 203 words in 4 minutes and nearly lost it, because i am That Kind Of Person)

worst words per hour/minute: 599/10 (10/1) (first day of colemak; i didn't even write 600 words in the hour i spent writing)

most time spent writing/month: 107 hours, 16 minutes (november) (duh)

least time spent writing/month: 39 hours (may) (ah yes, back when i was aiming for a thousand words a day... that didn't last long...)

other stats

on average, i write for about 57 hours, 40 minutes per month. no wonder i haven't been able to play many video games lately -- writing took up that timeslot.

that said, i only spent 8% of the past year writing. 691 hours sounds like a ton of time, but it averages out to 2 hours a day. given that i spend 8 hours a day sleeping (...give or take), 2 hours is really not that much of a loss. though as i mentioned in the other post, 1 hour of writing often equates to two hours of real time. even then, 16% of a year/1400 hours is really not that much time in the grand scheme of things.

i have made roughly 500 posts about writing on here in the past year, for which i apologize. the number's rough because there are a few more posts than that on dw but i don't feel like sorting through it at the moment to figure out the exact number. either way: i am so, so sorry. how have you all not unfollowed me. i do not understand.

quartiles

i calculated the quartiles for words/time/wph, and i find them pretty interesting:

words

first quartile (25%): 1,355

second quartile (50%): 2,239

third quartile (75%): 3,555

time

first quartile (25%): 1 hour, 3 minutes

second quartile (50%): 1 hour, 27 minutes

third quartile (75%): 2 hours, 30 minutes

words per hour (wpm)

first quartile (25%): 1,214 (20)

second quartile (50%): 1,407 (23)

third quartile (75%): 1,619 (27)

the reason i find them interesting is that they don't match up at all! you'd think that since the wph is calculated from words over time they'd even out, but apparently not. despite all evidence to the contrary i'm actually not great at statistics, so i'm not sure what conclusion to draw, but my guess is that it has to do with the fact that my wph did something of a bell curve over the past 12 months. but who knows.

(incidentally i do want to turn all these numbers into Pretty Charts, but i... have not figured out that part of google sheets yet, lmao. i'm sure i'll figure it out eventually. so far all i have managed are a bunch of squiggles. they are pretty squiggles but they are squiggles nonetheless.)

etc

so one of my overall goals for 2018 was to write a million words in 2018 specifically (ie starting jan 1--ending dec 31), and i'm not sure if i still want to go for it. on the one hand, i'm about 50,000 words ahead of pace, and like, that's a terrible buffer to lose. i am also Very Bad at giving up goals.

on the other hand...... the reason i am ahead is because i noticed in january that i was really close to writing a million words in 365 days. i tried to tell myself that i wasn't going to aim for it because of how burnt out i was, but. 😐 we can see how well that worked out. 😐

the thing is, though, i am tired. i am unbelievably tired. that chart says that i averaged 2 hours of writing a day in march, and as far as math in concerned, that's true. in actual fact, though, i averaged 1h30m of writing from 3/1 through 3/24, and four hours a day for the past week. i'm fucking exhausted. and it's exactly what i did in february, and in january. i can't do a whole year of that.

so. i am going to aim for 50,000 words next month, because it's camp nano and because 50k is, at this point, a very achievable number. (i mean for god's sake, i just did it in a week. i can do it in a month. in fact i would love to do it in a month.) and i am going to use the rest of that time to work on the worldbuilding, planning, and plotting i have pushed aside for the past five months in pursuit of ever-growing wordcounts.

that's april. the rest i can figure out later.

[katie-dub]

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: The Second Annual Hot Chocolate Contest

Several of you wanted a follow up to The First Annual Hot Chocolate Contest. This one turned out unexpectedly sad - although as ever, there’s a happy ending - but, be careful what you wish for I guess?

Thanks for all your support for these festive fics! 

If you want to keep the Captain Swan love going into the New Year there are two projects you might want to get involved in: 

@csjanuaryjoy​ is a month-long celebration of new Captain Swan creations. For every day in January there’ll be a new fan work (fic, art, videos, fanmixes) on the theme of joy to keep the January blues away. We’re still looking for creators to get involved so head over here to see what it’s all about!

Then in February the Captain Swan Little Bang starts - a collaborative project bringing artists and authors together to create beautiful art to complement beautiful one shots. You have until 15 December to sign up as an artist if you’re interested so head over to @captainswanbigbang​ and read all about it.

AO3

Day 1 |  Day 2 |  Day 3 |  Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8

The Second Annual Hot Chocolate Contest

For the second year in a row, Emma Swan was ridiculously invested in the results of a hot chocolate contest. But in a twist that she never saw coming, she didn't want the win for herself, but for Killian.

Even if Killian had made it clear that whatever she thought was between them was absolutely over.

And that was fine.

It's not that they were together or anything, but after the kiss they had shared at last year's contest, she'd found herself noticing everything he did for her and gravitating towards him more and more. They hadn't ever said anything, but soon they were doing everything together and he'd become a part of the family. Hell, he was even teaching Henry to sail. 

She knew that he wasn't actually her boyfriend. There would have been kisses and sex and actual dates with a boyfriend, but damn if he wasn't more or less her boyfriend in every other respect. 

He had even taken to sleeping over when a movie marathon with her and Henry went on too late, or when they'd been out drinking with the gang and he had to escort her home and it would just be rude of her not to invite him in for a night cap. At first he had always slept on the couch, but one drunken night she demanded that he share her bed and after that, he slept with her. He was still a perfect gentleman and never made a move, but more often than not on those nights she fell asleep and woke up in his arms.

She had finally worked up the nerve, with Henry's enthusiastic support, to ask him out. (Because seriously, if he spent another night in her bed just holding her when she was desperate for more she was going to scream.)

And of course that's when everything had suddenly changed.

He had unexpectedly gone out of town for a couple of days and when he returned he was a little distant with her. At first that was all - he seemed tired and sad when she saw him. He somehow lacked that Killian Jones sparkle. She had stepped up her flirting game, trying to bring back his flirtatious side with her own cheeky innuendos, but that only seemed to irritate him.

Then he started actively avoiding her.

He stopped dropping by just because, he made excuses to avoid plans, and he even cancelled Henry's sailing lessons. She knew that it wasn't just her, all their friends were reporting that he'd gone AWOL. But no one else spent as much time with him as she did, so no one else felt the loss as badly.

Then Tink came to live with him and everything became clear.

He'd found himself a real girlfriend and no longer had time for an almost one.

She couldn't say that it wasn't a shock.

Not least because Tink was an ex and one that Emma would never have expected him to get back together with. In a drunken night Killian and Emma had shared everything about their pasts and Tink was someone he met while spending a year in New Zealand. To hear him tell it, they were only together because the tiny town they lived in had so little going for it that sex and alcohol were the only available pastimes. While she couldn't say that she wasn't at all jealous when he talked about how adventurous Tink was in bed (or out of it) in great detail, she never felt like Tink was anything more than an amazing fuck buddy.

Apparently she had that really wrong.

Still though, Emma found that she couldn't bring herself to hate Killian. She had been the one to always draw the line at friendship for them, who could blame him for moving on?

She just missed him.

She hadn't really realised how much until she brought her spiced rum and hot chocolate made with coconut milk and topped with coconut flakes to the contest. Ruby refused to even taste it, so strong was her hatred of coconut and Regina “doesn't do rum”. But Killian? His eyes had lit up at the very idea and he'd called it heavenly. And of course he would, she knew that he thought that chocolate and coconut combined was a gift from the gods. She hadn't intended to make the perfect hot chocolate for Killian Jones and no one else, but he was so much on her mind that she couldn't help it.

And yet, delighted though he had been, she couldn't help but notice that he didn't seem as exuberant as he once was. He seemed somehow duller - a little grey where once he was all vibrant colours.

She found herself eyeing Tink suspiciously, wondering if she was the reason for this new and subdued Killian.

She hoped that winning the contest would bring back his sparkle.

After last year's standoff, Mary Margaret had insisted on a secret vote. Emma couldn't blame her, it's not like she knew that Emma was rooting for Killian this time.

Everyone had made their choices, and they were ready to reveal the winner. They just had to wait for Killian and Tink to get back from.. wherever they had gone. Emma couldn't bear to think about what exactly they might be doing.

And, typically she really needed to pee. She hoped that she could hold it in until they were back in the room and there was no chance she’d run into them making out, but eventually she couldn’t take it anymore. She stood up to leave.

“Oh, if you’re going out the room, can you let Killian and Tink know that we’re waiting?” Mary Margaret asked. Caught on the spot as she was, Emma couldn’t think of an excuse not to and she nodded with what she hoped was a smile, although it was probably more of a grimace.

Maybe she could walk to the bathroom with her eyes closed?

You need to get over this thing Killian. It’s really not healthy. She told herself sternly.

As she headed for the bathroom, she heard the sound of voices coming from the bedroom. Good, they were just talking, that was fine, that she could handle.

“Don’t you think you should tell them?”

“We said we’d keep it between us.” Emma paused, what should Killian tell them? Her mind was reeling, was this something the reason for Killian’s strange behaviour recently? Was it a good thing or a bad thing? Oh God, what if they were pregnant and he didn’t want to say anything because he thought that she would react badly?

She was spiralling quickly and knocked on the door to save herself from hearing anything else. She pushed the door open and they both sprange to their feet, looking strangely guilty.

“We’re ready to count the votes and stuff,” she mumbled and looked up at them. Killian had more buttons undone than he had when they’d left the room. He looked a little sweaty and breathless. Her eyes widened, had she interrupted a post-coital chat? “Wait, were you two…?” she trailed off, not really wanting to ask that question (or more accurately, to hear their answer.

“No!” Tink cried horrified at the exact moment that Killian said “perhaps” with a smirk. Tink glared at him and whacked him on the arm.

Emma really didn’t want to know.

“Everyone’s waiting,” she said bluntly and stalked to the bathroom.

She took far longer than necessary, giving herself time to calm down so that she didn’t cause a scene and ruin Killian’s big moment. (She was pretty sure he was going to win. He’d stepped up his game from already near-perfection last year with a minty hot chocolate with homemade red and white striped mini mint marshmallow on top of his typically perfect cream swirl and with a generous dusting of edible glitter.)

She finally returned and the votes were read out - aside from Killian’s vote for her, the decision was unanimous: Killian had won.

He stood and bowed. “Thank you all for your votes. It’s glad to know that my friends have such good taste and understand when they are in the presence of great-” he broke off mid speech, clutching at his heart with a groan.

Emma’s blood ran cold. She’d always thought that was a weird expression, but on seeing the man she loved suddenly in excruciating pain, she literally felt like she had ice running through his veins.

She ran to his side, but he swatted her away. “Tink -” he rasped pleadingly. Of course. He wanted his girlfriend in his time of need. Unrequited love really was a bitch.

She stepped back and to her surprise Tink was checking his pulse and helping him to sit back down. She looked between the two of them in shock and confusion. Why would she check his pills? Was Killian ill? Was this what she had overheard them discussing?

“Killian, please, let me tell your friends,” Tink begged and Killian eventually nodded. Emma watched her warily, unsure of what she might have to say. “Killian has coronary heart disease.” Emma felt like she’d been stabbed through the heart. She let out a distressed whimper that had Killian looking to her and attempting to give her a reassuring smile. It might have worked better if he weren’t so pale.

“He had a heart attack in October,” Tink continued, “at the time he had a surgery that should have helped him to manage the condition. However, it didn’t work as well as hoped and he needs another procedure, which he’s having this week. I’m Killian’s nurse and I’ve been living with him to help him manage day to day. He should be able to regain his independence and get rid of me at last -” “- good riddance -” Killian interrupted playfully “- once he’s recovered from this procedure.”

Emma’s knees gave out and she realised that Mary Margaret was wrapped around her, offering support and holding her upright.

Her brain didn’t know how to process everything she had just heard. Killian was sick. He had had a heart attack. He had hidden this from her. He wasn’t dating Tink.

God, what a terrible thing to fixate on now. He was ill, really ill and all she could think about was that maybe she stood a chance. Although, he’d never told her about any of this, had he? He’d run away from her instead of letting her support him. She felt incredibly angry at the thought.

“What the fuck, Killian?” she straightened up and pushed Mary Margaret away. His eyes widened as she stalked closer. “Why didn’t you tell me - tell us - didn’t I, didn’t we, deserve to know? Do I really mean that little to you?”

“Let’s give them some privacy,” David said, ushering everyone out of the room, but Emma barely heard him.

“You really think that, Emma?” Killian asked quietly. “After everything, you think that you don’t matter to me?”

She stomped over to him and slumped on the couch next to him. “What else can I think? You just left me and found someone else.”

“I left you? I didn’t know we were together?” She turned to glare at him and was surprised to see that he looked pleased.

“Look, I know I never said anything, but yeah, I thought that we were something and then you just pulled a disappearing act and then you were living with Tink and what was I meant to think?”

“Oh, Emma.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side. She settled her head against his chest, listening for the sound of his traitorous heart beat. They stayed like that for several minutes, neither one saying a word.

She sniffed loudly and was startled by the sound, she hadn’t actually realised that she was crying. Killian gently moved her so he could look her in the eye and wiped away her tears.

“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to mess everything up so badly.

“When I - when I got sick it just threw me completely. I’ve always been a sailor and I’ve always thought of myself as a survivor and all of a sudden I couldn’t go out on the water and my body was giving up on me. I didn’t know how to cope and I didn’t want to be a burden to you.

“Half the time I shut myself away because I was in too much pain, the other half I was just convinced that you wouldn’t want me around. I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“You deal with it by coming to me!” Emma cried out, “we could have got through it together!” Killian smiled at her, eyes full of adoration. “What?” she asked hotly.

“You’re using that word again.”

“What word?”

“Together. I like the sound of that.” She smiled despite herself. “Do you - do you still want that?”

She found that she didn’t have the words. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his softly and gently. The kiss was sweet and chaste but full of the promise of so much more. “Yeah, I still want that.”

When the others re-entered the room, Killian and Emma were holding each other close. They were going to get through it all together.

By the time of The Third Annual Hot Chocolate Contest there was a sparkling ring on Emma’s finger and neither one of them needed a win. They already had everything they needed in each other’s arms.