#in general i have never had this kind of communication with a therapist ever where i actually feel like i can just be 100% honest

[klara-rosa]

anyway therapy was good today! I was very frustrated after last week's session. It was super uncomfortable and I wanted to cry afterwards (I have literally only cried twice during my entire therapy career). I actually told my current therapist that last week sucked and made me angry and we talked about it and she told me she really wants me to tell her this information in the future. And in general, today was a looot better and more positive and uplifting. We did an exercise in gratefulness and it really helped to kinda flip the coin and make you look at your life from a dofferent angle. I have sooo many negative self-beliefs and rituals I've accumulated over the years and sometimes I forget that a huuuge part of every one of my days is literally dependant on my own attitude and outlook on life in general. So I'll try and incorporate that exercise in my day to day life. Honestly, I left with such a lighter heart today than I did the last couple of weeks and that makes me happy 🥺

[beemovieerotica]

hey can you tell me how you got tested for OCD and/or started to think you had it?

yeeeess so it was literally 2018 when i was like "hm maybe i have OCD" to my therapist (who was not specialized in this) and she did not disagree with me and everything kind of clicked in that session between us when we both simultaneously realized a lot of my behaviors could be explained that way.

the hardest thing was that i'd already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety so like. "yes i obsess over conversations i've had or will have and repeat things over and over in my head" "yes i constantly check to make sure things are okay" "yes i hyperanalyze and hypercriticize myself" all got wrapped up in that.

i think the behavior that i actually brought up with that therapist that precipitated the realization was i started vacuuming a corner of my room repeatedly like over the course of several weeks, every day. just obsessively vacuuming this corner because i kept finding tiny cat litter crystals there from a previous tenant. i'd be literally picking it out of the carpet with my fingers with my head parallel to the floor just staring and trying to find these things for like an hour at a time. colossal waste of time. but it was "important." and i was finally like...THIS is excessive, right?

but i do a lot of things that are the opposite of "classic" OCD which confused me for YEARS - like i genuinely have such poor food hygiene and don't care about bodily fluids, i love touching sticky things, my personal things are poorly organized, my room was always a mess, etc etc.

i got officially evaluated when i went in for the psilocybin study (beginning of this year) where i met an OCD specialist for the first time who did this complete battery of questions with me. there were things i never realized were OCD for me:

very obsessed with parasitic insects and constantly checking for bedbugs and fleas even when i have no reason to suspect these things

constantly re-reading everything i write. 5x. 10x. saying whole sentences over and over in my head. the sentence is fine, i didn't make a mistake, but i just have to keep reading it to be 1000% sure.

rubbing my scalp a lot and pulling out random hairs on my legs, eyebrows, eyelashes

over-explaining so fucking much to be absolutely sure i'm not misunderstood or that someone can read bad intentions into what i'm saying. "predicting" conversations and anticipating entire lines of questioning and how i would defend myself. lol.

intrusive horror film-esque thoughts

being terrified as a child that i would be possessed by a demon if i yawned too wide - i had other extremely irrational superstitions that i would force on myself and try to live by for no reason, these started at like age 10

obsessions around my health (orthorexia, i've ping-ponged between various diets like vegan / gluten-free / vegetarian thinking that it would help me)

only ever felt normal when drinking. like i could just let go of the compulsions and anxiety while drunk.

it was really hard to even parse a lot of this out being 1) already anxious, 2) raised very religious, and 3) BOTH my parents and my older sister have OCD, so all this was just normal!! my mom also pulled out her hair. my mom and my sister also had eating disorders and very weird attitudes around medicine. superstitions and moral scrupulosity were encouraged in our community. i had no reason to think that any of this could all be linked back to an actual disorder.

i really wish i'd had intervention at least a decade or more earlier. this started when i was in grade school at least. it sucks. so much of the public perception of OCD is centered on the classic symmetry / cleanliness / hand-washing shit. it did not help that my family loved watching Monk when i was growing up so i was like "oh, i'm not like THAT" and never questioned it.

i think(?) i might go to the big OCD conference happening in the states next year, not sure, but i really want to talk to people about psilocybin. idk let me know if you have any other questions, i'm still processing a lot of this.

[the-lighthouse-lit]

BBRae Week Day 3: "Please don't ever do that again"

Length: 2,114 words

Rating: T

Excerpt: In an instant the goofiness gave way to suaveness. "Again? You wanna see me again, miss Raven?"

@bbraeweek24 🥰

───

“Okay,” the guy started as he sat down, “when I was seven years old, my parents took me to a zoo for the first time. I started crying and they were like, what’s wrong? I said it was about the cages, and they thought I meant, I was sad about the animals being kept in—but really, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed inside the cages with them. Anyway, they never took me again. But I still consider it the day I found my calling—I still ended up in a sanctuary.” He reached for his newly-refilled glass of water and then stopped, reconsidering. “Working there. I mean, I became a wildlife caretaker.”

“Thanks for clearing that up,” the girl said as he drank. “Wait, that’s what you open with? That’s how you choose to introduce yourself?”

“Yeah, I thought it was solid. Gives you an idea of who I am.”

That it does, thought the girl.

“Hit me with yours,” the guy requested.

She shrugged. “I’ve been letting people open and seeing them squirm.”

She did have squirm-worthy eyes. They were dark blue and stared on unapologetically. She also spoke with a detached tone, and she hadn’t smiled when he’d sad down—all things that would put most men on edge, but he liked to think he was charismatic enough to make up the difference. She was striking, but he didn’t remember her from the introductory mingling. That’s what was good about these events, he thought, you got to focus on people you wouldn’t normally go for.

Her name-tag read ‘Raven’. Like many women here she’d chosen not to add her last name. He himself felt he’d had no choice but to write ‘Gar Logan’, otherwise his tag was three whole letters, which felt suspiciously too casual. At that point it was like, what’s that guy hiding?

“What’s next? What do you do with uncomfortable silence?”

“Oh, you know, there’s all the clichés,” Raven said. “You covered ‘what do you do?’ Then there’s the where’re you from, and the what’d you do for fun?”

“Well, I’m from all over. I mean really I was born in Africa.”

“Africa? What country?”

“Middle of nowhere village in Upper Lamumba. Best childhood you can imagine.”

“Wow,” she allowed. That was a cool origin. If he was lying, so help her…

“But I can’t really say I’m from here, I was six when I left.”

“I like how you say that as if you, as six-year-old, made the decision to pack up and leave.”

“Mmh, the exact circumstances will be a story for another day.”

“Another day? You’re assuming we’re both swiping left?”

“I like to assume the best.”

He offered a smile. He’d been smiling too much since he’d sat down, thought Raven. He’d also gone straight for the little bowl of cashew nuts, and was popping one into his mouth every other sentence. He was an odd mix of performative and carefree, but he still seemed like he knew exactly how charming he was. In short, less than a minute into this speed-date, he was exactly the kind of guy she never went for. It made Raven relax, having discounted him in her head.

But she dutifully said, “I’m a teacher. Community college. I teach literature, and I’m also the unofficial therapist on campus. I’m from here, New York. And for fun, I read.”

“Not write?”

“Not every literature teacher wants to be a writer.”

“Fair enough. I write song lyrics, not that I want to be a singer. That’s for your third question. I also play the guitar. I like concerts, I like hiking, I like camping… the outdoors in general.”

Raven almost chuckled at how effectively he was ticking off all her ‘incompatible’ boxes. She couldn’t keep a smile back, and he noticed. “What?”

She shook her head. “I was just thinking how I hate camping more than anything.”

“Noted. You never answered where you’re from?”

“I didn’t? I’m from here, New York.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone here who’s actually from New York.”

“Would never live anywhere else.”

He scrunched up his nose. “Really? I wanna travel as much as I can. Like, I never want to spend more than a couple of years in the same place. It’s a tough dream, I know,” he added, because apparently he’d taken her bewildered expression for simple surprise. “So, you’re satisfied with your questions? You don’t feel they’re a little shallow?”

“I’m not the one who opened with a monologue.”

“Well, that was just the ice breaker. Now we have the chance to get deeper.”

“Is there a chance to get any degree of deep in an eight-minute conversation?” she questioned.

He thought about that. “I mean, just deep enough to know whether you wanna see someone again. That’s what speed dating is about, right?”

“I don't know. Everyone’s trying so hard to make a good first impression, you can’t really get a genuine assessment of people.”

He cocked his head at her; it made his wispy blond hair move with him. (He had too much hair, she thought. And she was decently sure he was younger than her.) “Sounds like you don’t believe much in speed dating at all.”

“Oh, jury’s still out on whether tonight was a complete mistake.”

He pointed at her and went, “Okay, core values. Go.”

“Seriously? That doesn’t work.”

He gaped. “How… that’s very important. What could you possibly have against that?”

She almost smiled at his indignity. “People telling you their core values is useless. The shallowest people can tell you they value genuineness. The drama seekers will tell you they crave peace and harmony. You don’t really know what people's values are until it’s actionable.”

“Yeah, I think I heard that. Don’t marry a person until you’ve seen them stressed, uh…”

“Gone on a trip with them,” she supplied.

“Yeah.”

“And when they’re sick?”

“I think struggling financially was one of them.”

“There’s probably different versions,” she allowed.

“Well, you give me questions, then.”

“Okay. Pet peeves.”

He gave that a moment's thought. He’d picked up some nuts and now let them drop back into the bowl. “Littering. Food waste. People who won’t try new stuff just once, like new food. Like vegan food.”

“You’re vegan. That’s a strike.”

“It usually is,” he laughed. “But, I’ve never forced anyone to try it.” He waited for a sign of acquiescence that never came. “Isn’t that a point in my favor?”

“Could be.”

“But…?”

She hesitated. “But nothing says you actually practice it. You could tell me anything. Anyone could say anything.”

“So could you.”

“Yeah, but…” He saw her hesitate for the first time in this date. “You seem like the kind of person who tries to make everyone like them.”

Raven had just been trying to push the conversation away from pet peeves without having to answer herself; she’d proposed the topic without thinking and regretted it instantly, because he was doing some of her pet peeves right in front of her. She would’ve had to tell him some of them included people eating absent-mindedly, people reaching for food they weren’t going to eat, people looking at you while they chewed… But now he was blinking at her, and she feared she’d gone too far.

“…Doesn’t everyone?” he posed.

“No.”

“So you don’t care if people like you?”

“…I care, I just won’t change in order to make it happen.”

“Well, I wouldn’t either. But you don’t trust me, so.” He finished that statement with a smile. (She was hit with the idea that she had really offended him, and he was using a smile to put distance between them. But she didn’t care what he thought of her, right?)

“Is it a bit? When you opened saying, I’m at a sanctuary, but I’m working there, I’m not there as an inmate? Do you do that every time?”

He laughed then, and she thought it sounded genuine. “No, the way I tell it deteriorates as the night goes on. I couldn’t act that well. But I get what you were saying.” Now he spoke carefully. “You’re… intimidating. Which is not a bad thing,” he rushed to add. “But, I guess, you’re used to people having a problem with that. So you don’t try to make them like you. Right?”

Now he was sheepish. Maybe he’d wanted to throw it back at her, maybe he’d just wanted to get deeper. Either way, she was satisfied she could consider them even. “You know what?”

“What?” he asked in a small voice.

“A girl behind you just got up from her table and is doing the splits, and I can’t focus on anything you’re saying.”

So he turned around. Sure enough, across the room a girl was straining her dress with a side slit as she lowered into a split under the eyes of her bewildered date.

“That’s a lot of trust she’s putting on that dress,” Raven commented, and took the space of time he was turned around to make use of her own complementary glass of water.

“Ooh, that’s what she was getting at,” said Gar when he turned back to her, “That girl asked me if I had any secret talents. When I told her what mine was she just… stopped talking. Completely. Until the eight minutes were out. I guess my talent was supposed to be sexy.”

She observed him, trying to take a guess. “I’m almost scared to ask…”

He didn’t let her ask. “I can move both my ears individually.” He used both hands to push his hair painfully back from his ears, and kept eye contact with her as he twitched one ear, then the other, then again.

The actual tip of his ears twitched down when he did it. For some reason it freaked her out. “Please don’t ever do that again.”

He let go of his hair, and in an instant the goofiness gave way to suaveness. “Again? So you do wanna see me again, miss Raven?”

She scoffed. But he seemed to be really waiting for an answer, so she said, “Realistically I won’t, no one here will. You’ve got one foot out of the city and you wanna relocate every couple of years.”

“That’s a deal breaker?”

“It would be for most people,” she defended. “Most people stay put in one place.”

“You know phones exist, right? The Internet?” He couldn’t seem to stop teasing her. He’d just realize she was blushing from when he’d put her in the spot just now, and it made a thrill go through him.

“You were hoping to meet someone who’d commit to waiting for you after talking for a few minutes?”

“Or maybe the right girl will come along with me. Maybe you’re underestimating the number of girls who are willing to be swept away to a completely new life. And didn’t you say people need to go on a trip together before they get married?”

“Is that what you’re after tonight? Marriage?”

“Would that be so surprising?”

The ring that signaled the end of the date came like a shot. Both looked at each other in surprise, recognizing it was the first time in the whole night they’d wished the eight minutes hadn’t ended. Both wondered if it was the same for the other.

Gar still got up, slowly.

“Did we finish a single line of conversation?” Raven asked.

“There’s a way to fix that,” he said, leaning on the table more than he needed to, she thought, in order to pick up his glass.

After the night was over, after she’d gone home and showered, and taken some time to soothe the nerves of her battered introverted nature, Raven pulled up the app for the speed dating event. A gallery of men’s pictures stared back at her, and she quickly located the one that read Gar Logan.

It would be borderline leading him on. They were completely incompatible, from their personalities, to their tastes, to their plans in life. It probably wouldn’t work out.

But somehow, they had never stopped talking the whole date. And all she wanted to do right now was find him and talk shit about the guy who came after him, who was actually here to recruit girls to join him and his girlfriend as their third.

She only had the name he’d given out—a security measure that had led her to choose this app. And she knew he wouldn’t stay long in New York. If she didn’t match him, she simply might never see him again. She’d lose him in the wide scope of the world.

Throwing caution out the window, she swiped left. Immediately she got the access to the profile screen that let her know he’d matched her too.

───

Notes:

I’m either writing 3 entries for this Week of literally just this one. T_T Whatever I end up doing will be up on AO3 eventually!

The ‘Camping’ comment is a subtle reference to the fact that I couldn’t think of anything for the prompt for Day 1.❤️

I pulled the workings of the speed dating app, and speed dating itself, right out of my ass. Don’t take my word for anything. I did ZERO research for this.

[wokedogschenkopf]

Warning: generalization of a website and social forum that has millions of users with differing thoughts and opinions as well as vastly different communities

Reddit has a reputation for being a helpful website when you have a question that google refuses to properly answer because of bloated search results that are filled with gibberish and filler, but I cannot stress how much you should never actually look to Reddit for advice outside of like tech tips. Because the people on there are some of the most insane people I have ever seen, despite their reputation for being the “normie” website, they’re all out of their minds in the “the more normal the more weird you are” way.

I was going through a really rough patch in my life, feeling completely lost and aimless and even though I had appointments set up with a physician and a psychiatrist and a therapist and all that, I still had to wait for those appointments to come and the wait itself was driving me crazy. So I decided to go on Reddit just to see if anyone had any problems similar to mine and what they did (mistake number 1). What you quickly find out is that people who are actually happy and have solved their problems are not posting advice on Reddit. What you also find out is that they have gaslit themselves into thinking that they have achieved happiness and peace by acting like no real human being does.

Example 1: Trying to stave off depression. I was still in denial that I was experiencing clinical depression that would not be cured by exercise and vitamins that needed medical intervention, despite knowing deep down that’s what it was, and so I would end up on subreddits like r/productivity because my goal was “how do I enjoy things again/How do I force myself to do things.” The most common answer people gave out for finding purpose in a boring and lonely life is hobbies. Which on its own, ignoring any and all other possible disclaimers and caveats, is fairly true, anyone without hobbies is probably bound to end up feeling at least a bit aimless. But then comes the question: what hobbies should I have? What should I do? And this is where people started to unravel a bit. Because then that’s when people start categorizing “acceptable” hobbies vs “wasteful” hobbies, acceptable hobbies being ones that they see as maximizing all your possible stats and performance and wasteful hobbies being ones that contribute nothing and are just time sinks. To no one’s surprise, “acceptable” hobbies were basically all sports or physical exercise, sometimes maybe something like gardening, while wasteful hobbies where watching movies or tv shows, playing video games, reading books (unless you were reading epic sigma grind set books that are all named something like Unfuck Yourself), drawing, etc. I do physical activities like hiking and walking and what not because I know it’s good for me in the long run, and I do like looking at nature, but I wouldn’t consider it my hobby. And to sideline my actual hobbies (video games, drawing, etc) for hiking all the time I would probably be miserable. But according to the Reddit secret anti depression formula this is what I should be doing.

Which leads to Point 2: Diet. Obviously diet comes up a lot in these discussions, it undeniably can have an affect on your mood and emotional aspects as much as it can have an effect on your physical body. The problem is that all of these people have basically given themselves eating disorders trying to minmax the perfect diet to make them Mentally Sound. I’m sure I don’t really need to write it out in detail and you can imagine the kind of things they write about how if you enjoy any sugar ever you’re a dopamine addict and you’re ruining your life.

Then point 3: Mental wellness journaling/meditation. Where a lot of these people swear by the fact that journaling and meditation saved them. I’m not going to argue that they’re useless, I journal sometimes and it can help, but then you read in between the lines and find out these people spend hours of their day meditating or journaling and don’t seem to actually make any progress. As if just the act of doing it has convinced them that they’re doing the “correct” thing and they don’t need to do anything else, and that they can afford to spend half their day doing this. Which if you can and genuinely want to, be my guest, but personally the thought of having to sit in silence with myself for hours just to get through the day is not something I want for my life. At all. And would probably make me more miserable.

Which leads me to the final point of all this. Combining the obsession over the correct hobbies that fulfill you with the most enlightenment, the perfect diet that will give you the perfect body and brain, and over obsession with proper mental wellness loops back around and creates uniquely miserable people who are so obsessed with finding the life hack or formula to happiness and success that they just end up dragging themselves back down. I realized multiple times that it would probably just be easier and make me happier to eat candy sometimes than stress about how any amount of excess sugar could give me depression, and that I would be less stressed just sitting down to watch TV sometimes than worrying about how I could spend that time maximizing my time and happiness by picking the best and most productive hobby. Sure eating nothing but sugar all day and never watching anything other than reality TV is bad for you, but so is everything in excess. It kind of defeats the point of living if you don’t let yourself enjoy anything because of made up metrics. Also, every person is completely different and unique and nothing that makes one person happy will make the other person happy. There are baselines sure, like seeing the sun is good for you, but you can never truly pinpoint every single trick and hack to leading a fulfilling life because it depends on who you are. This is also why it’s impossible to cover every possible disclaimer and caveat in this post, because I would have to account for the unique circumstances of billions of people.

I don’t really know how to end this post so I’ll bring up how I saw someone on a quitting weed subreddit say you should do ketamine instead of weed and that’s healthier for you. Remember that people love lying online. Also a subreddit I found about how the internet regardless of what website or use is innately evil and causes mental health problems in everyone no matter what and so everyone should be quitting it, despite the fact that everyone on there was posting from the internet on a website.

[xiaq]

Why do feelings have to be so confusing???

I’ve never been super into labels, but if I had to choose I probably would have gone with aroace. I kind of figured I wouldn’t ever find someone I wanted to be in a relationship with and that was fine.

But now I’m 30 and somehow in a relationship for the very first time with this person that I love so much. And it’s wonderful and amazing in so many ways, but I also feel so crazy with it??

I feel like a teenager with their first crush but also too old for that and it’s like I don’t know how to trust myself in this because I’ve never felt anything close to this before.

Feeling romantic and sexual attraction for the first time there’s a part of me that’s like how has everyone been living like this the whole time??? It still doesn’t feel like it should be real somehow, even though I’m now experiencing it firsthand.

Anyway I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this, but if you either advice or even just stories to make me feel a little less ridiculous, I’d love to hear them!

I think it's really REALLY important to remember that socially reinforced ideas of normalcy when it comes to exploring sexuality are not, actually, normal. A. Because people are people and what works for one person doesn't work for others. While there's obviously going to be a bell curve on the graph of "when do people typically sort out who they want to kiss (or not kiss) and start doing that" there is going to be a steady, not insignificant, number of folks that are on the upward and downward swing of that bell curve before you even get to the far outliers, and that's to be expected. B. Traditionally accepted timelines for building a sense of sexual identity don't apply anymore. The average age for (first) marriage is creeping back each year. In the US in 1900 it was 26 for men and 22 for women. Now it's 29 and 27 respectively. Women, especially, don't have nearly the pressure placed upon them that they used to to quickly find someone who will take care of them seeing as we can now open bank accounts and own property and work for (mostly) equal pay and all that jazz. So there's that to consider.

But also. Humans, human bodies, are never stagnant. You might have heard the fun factoid that all our cells are replaced every 7 years. That's not entirely accurate, but it's true that the body does regenerate skin and bone and liver and stomach, and so on, cells at a kind of mind-boggling rate. There are things that we're born with that don't change like some of the neurons in our cerebral cortex, I think, but as a species we are generally made to adapt to new experiences and environments so much so that our bodies are in a constant state of change themselves. You're just...doing what you're built to do. Something new has happened and you're adapting to it.

And yes, it can be scary and make you feel very vulnerable when you don't have historical relationship or sex-related context like other people your age might have, but that's when you get to lean on friends and/or talk to your therapist to make sure you're approaching things in a healthy way, there aren't red flags you're missing, etc. Because humans are also pack animals and we thrive in communities in which we can share each others burdens and wisdom.

As someone who also had built what I thought was a pretty clear assessment of my romantic and sexual identity over 29 years, only to have it challenged and rebuilt at 30, I fully empathize with the way you feel. But I leaned into the feelings of confusion (and frankly, giddiness, at times). Who says teenagers are the only ones that get to experience first crushes? Who says 30 is too old for self-discovery? You get to decide how you interact with the world. Who cares what other people are doing if what you're doing makes you happy and hurts no one.

[avatar216]

Inside Out 2 Is Just Not Great in My Opinion

I finished watching inside out 2 yesterday and I can say I really did want to like it but I just didn't. I honestly think it suffers from the same pacing problems as episode 1 of season 3 of the Orville called Electric Sheep in the way that after a while it just started to feel like we were just jumping from scene to scene without an actual full consistent follow through of each scene. I didn't give two s**** about any of the new emotions in fact I thought all of them were kind of insufferable. I think anxiety is just a more tyrannical version of joy and joy did not in fact seemingly understand nor fully go through her character Arc of the last movie in understanding that other emotions matter namely anger, disgust, and fear. There were many scenes in this movie and in the last one where I just kept going why isn't disgust responding to this and why isn't anger responding to this instead of sadness or joy. I won't lie I've never suffered from anxiety and though I definitely had to deal with intensely strong anger and disgust to the point that I've actually done terrible things because I couldn't escape the triggers when I was younger but then again who can escape the trigger of someone singing happy birthday to you and you wanting to tell them to go die because the sounds of their and others voices is like a knife to your eardrums. I do realize that I have misophonia and misokinesia now, which this movie ironically actually set off because of some of the dialogue.  

Nothing says entertainment like fight or flight and anticipatory response, which are not necessarily anxiety and I think that's something this movie doesn't really get. I still think Joy is an absolute dictator and as someone who had to deal with a friend absolutely trying to force positivity on me along with his belief in happiness I can tell you I still despise her as a character because all she does as a character is remind me of my years of pain of researching positive psychology and psychology in general and realizing a lot of therapists and psychologists are just out of touch with Society. I do understand the movie is not trying to represent a childhood like mine of absolutely being enraged because I was basically treated like a slave who was expected to give my money to my family every single time I got any and when I finally stood up for myself I ended up with bruises. Happiness was the thing they used to control me and when I met friends who did the same thing I told them to go f*** off. So no I don't really approve of movies spouting this rhetoric that happiness and joy are the greatest thing when they are the things that people use to subjugate their family members. As I see it where there are happy smiling faces there is Darkness behind closed doors.  

Getting back to the actual movie: like I said I think Joy along with anxiety this time around are basically just tyrannical to all the other emotions. I also think Riley is a vapid and shallow person who could easily just be called follower in bold letters because that's what she is at the end of the day a meek weak pathetic follower. I know what people are going to say, but she's a 13 year old girl and I can tell you when I was 13 I wasn't that much of a follower even though I wanted to fit in in the online Pagan community. In fact I was 13 when the first movie came out, but I don't know maybe it's because I already went through puberty way before I ever turned 13.  When I went through puberty I just cried a lot and felt very alone because honestly I didn't have anyone since I was homeschooled besides my cousin and I 100% did not feel like I could talk to my mother because she just constantly invalidated my feelings of any pain and would call me a hypochondriac and still does which is one of the reasons I've snapped several times over the years. 

I wish anger and disgust had more to do because as I said above I think they are the ones who should be reacting in certain situations and in fact I don't understand why disgust didn't just use anger as a blowtorch like she does in the first movie to get them out of the bottle because that's what actually happens when you bottle up your emotions; anger and disgust come out first. I honestly see no reason why they're needed to be new emotions when it seems like fear and disgust actually covered embarrassment and anxiety in the first movie. In fact disgust is still the most socially aware one and cares a lot about what's happening socially. I feel like if they wanted to choose new emotions they really should have chosen what you would actually expect if you were going through puberty lust, romantic love, shame, and hate. I get not wanting to cover lust because this is a family friendly movie and you wouldn't probably be able to take a child under the age of at least 9 to it. However, my sister took my niece to see this movie and they just said it's very sad.  I would definitely agree but that's because it's a movie about a girl basically developing an anxiety disorder, which just turns her into a vapid and shallow follower as I've said. I don't think the movie actually handled that plot very well because her friends just forgive her for ditching them as if she wouldn't do that again in the future when she makes other new friends at her new school. I don't really like that this movie just gets wrapped up with a nice clean bow in that regard. I also don't really think any of the other new emotions had anything to do especially ennui and embarrassment. Envy just honestly made me cringe because what Riley was about to do is basically gross/creepy at best and downright illegal at worse. It's not funny if someone wants to touch your hair without your consent since this does actually happen to people like me who have curly hair all the time. People think it's okay and they're prerogative to just touch us because they like the way our hair looks or feels. No honey, that's assault.  

Overall, I think the movie was okay and I would say that disgust and anger were my favorite characters as always. I just wish that they would have shown Riley actually suffering some consequences for treating her friends like crap. 

[thefisherqueen]

Thinking about growing up autistic without a diagnosis and how there were a lot of my teachers who definitely picked up that something was up with me and tried to help me, but how none of them ever said or did anything that actually helped. And I'm sort of amazed by how that was possible? These were people who had a teaching degree, who were kind and well intended, who had a lot of experience, and yet they all failed me.

One teacher arranged with my parents for me to follow a social anxiety course with a therapist. But of course fear was never the problem. I think that did damage in more ways than I can quickly describe, but mainly it taught me that the coping mechanisms I had were bad (they weren't! Walking off when you're overwhelmed is good! Being quiet when you don't know what to say or don't feel like talking is fine!) and it just made me better at hiding my struggles and pretending interest where I had none. I remember even hanging out with a group of 'popular girls' for a while and it was all such an act and made me feel alientated and terrible

Several teachers told me to stand up for myself, but didn't follow it up with informing me on what reasonable boundaries are or with providing me social scripts I could use against bullies. Others asked me "are those bullies bothering you?" and of course I shrugged and told them I didn't mind; we all want to be thought of as strong and unbothered. Calling out bullies' behaviour and telling me that there was nothing wrong with me would have been much more helpful. Confidence naturally follows from that

I vividly remember two seperate teachers asking me "Why are you so reserved?" and, what the hell, of course I could not answer that. I was not trying to be! They were puzzled by me and instead of asking me about myself or learning about my ways of communication, they made it my problem

Another thing: I was in the debating club of my school for years (hey! surprise! I am actually good at talking in public if I can do research beforehand and if the conversation actually stays on topic and follows sensible rules). When I sometimes struggled, teachters assumed it was because of insecurity or nervousness. The actual issue was that my mind runs a bit to slow for speech sometimes. I just don't have time enough to arrange my thoughts into proper sentences at that time, but the only advice they had for me is about how to deal with nerves

During a university course on presentation skills the teacher picked up that I was struggling and tried to help me with tips, but that only made me more insecure. I needed to learn to be more comfortable and secure with how I naturally communicated, the last thing I needed was someone to point out my 'flaws' and teach me more tricks

Another teacher in university once again assumed - not asked, just assumed - that I had social anxiety and promptly gave me advice based on that. I suppose in a way I'm thankful to her, because it was the point where I realised that this whole pretending act wasn't working and that was when I started to look into autism (my best friend had been diagnosed not long before that). But it still was shitty to just assume

I think the general trend of all these instances is: all of these people saw this kind quiet girl who did well in class, exceptionally well in language areas, always had several friends but often just did her own thing, whose way of acting and speaking and non-verbal communication and interests had uncommon aspects, who was bullied and excluded or made fun of sometimes, and all were puzzled but had their opinion and advice ready. None of them actually sat me down and asked me open questions, tried to figure out what was actually going on in my brain, tried to learn of my experiences and what I knew about myself. None of them recognised my autistic traits for what they were (and they are so clear to me now in hindsight).

Children really deserve so much better. I deserved better

[warriorsparked]

Headcanon: Char

This is going to revolve around Megatron's very first lover (or... his feelings for a lover considering that there was never actually a romance between them). Also just a cw that this will include mentions of violence, mental health, abuse (inc. sexual), toxicity, and death.

When Megatron was young, he didn't have many friends (if any tbh). He was seen as an outcast from pretty much the beginning of time, even to his fellow Kaonites. Megatron's mentors (parents) were abusive and very toxic, and they had a bad reputation within the community, so because of this, Megatron was outcast from his peers from the very beginning.

Megatron was also very socially withdrawn because of his upbringing, and the fact that he didn't have anyone to really relate with and interact with. He experienced antisocial behaviours and others pretty much saw him as the 'weird kid' that they wanted nothing to do with because he came from a broken household, one mentor a drunk and abusive and the other one slept around and was known as being a 'whore' (I am very sex worker positive, these are just narrow minded views from the community just fyi!). This one in particular, also abused Megatron sexually from a young age, which does come into play within Megatron's life and unpacking his trauma.

Megatron was also known for behavioural issues, lashing out and violent tenancies towards others (although generally speaking, Megatron was not usually the one that started anything, he merely finished it). I'll cover his psychological behaviours in another post maybe because that post will be LONG.

Char, a femme who was a couple of vorns younger than him, became his first real friend. He had met her on her first day at the academy (school), and had offered to show her around the place.

There was just something about her that drew him in. She was exceptionally kind and compassionate, and the very first person to show Megatron any decency. He CLUNG to that. For him, this was the first time anyone had ever shown him a sense of kindness outside of the teachers of course, but they could only do so much.

In a very dark place, Char became his light, and it didn't take long for him to fall desperately in love with her. But this love was also very toxic. For one, it was unacquainted. While Char was supportive of Megatron and tried her best to be his friend, she loved him only as a friend. Unfortunately, her compassion and time spent with him, made Megatron believe that she also felt the same, despite her having said no.

This is where Megatron's warped sense of views and lack of mental health support begin to show. He became aggressive in nature to others that she would give attention, he believed that he owned her in a sense, and he was definitely possessive. But he also HID this relationship from his creators, and his current at school psychiatrist (he'd been under scrutiny for a long time so the academy appointed him therapy sessions to help correct some of his behaviours). Megatron was under the belief that if his creators knew, or his therapist, then they would take away what made him happy, or they would taint it, because that's what they did. They ruined everything they touched, including him.

Megatron's self worth was rock bottom. This didn't help in how he saw his and Char's relationship. It was set up for failure the moment it began, unfortunately. Especially due to how Megatron perceived sex and violence, and how intertwined they had become for him no thanks to what he'd been exposed to at home.

He became obsessed with Char. While he claimed he loved her, and would never hurt her, there relationship took a few tumbles, especially when he attempted to kiss her--which she did not approve of. While he did apologise and explained he thought that she felt the same way, it didn't stop him from seeing her as a tease and a cheat when she was with others. His internal battles were extreme, especially since... again, his mental health was not on his side, and keeping this secret from others meant he had no real outlet aside from his own thoughts (which were dark and nasty). Megatron tried his best to contain his impulses, but it was a very hard time for him, especially when he had no real help.

Eventually, Megatron was arrested for crimes (murder) he committed and he was thrown into an institute (this is another HC post I'll cover in time). This separated him and Char. For vorns, he was locked away, but she did visit him once, when his therapist found out about her when investigating his past. Megatron apologised for his wrongs, and she tried to encourage him to expose what had happened to him in that household to his therapist. This caused a lot of tension, because Megatron had put his trust in her, and everyone he'd ever trusted had betrayed him. So... as you can imagine, his trust was fragile.

She left when things became violent and the guards sedated him and dragged him away. This MORTIFIED Char, seeing her old friend being treated this way when they were supposed to be helping him. She couldn't face him anymore, not knowing the pain he was going through, not knowing what they did to him, and also knowing that there was nothing she could do to help.

When Megatron finally got out, he went to see her, finding out where she was living. Unfortunately for him, because this was SO LONG ago, Char had moved on with her life, had bonded to a femme and had a family with them.

This infuriated Megatron. His trust had already been fragile, as much as his mind which told him that this was a betrayal. That the last person he had put his trust and faith in had broken it.

In his mind, even while he was incarcerated, he still believed that one day, him and Char would live happily ever after. It had given him a sense of hope, and even a reason to behave so he could be released (ofc the Institute are horrible and they kept him in there for as long as possible because his therapist was a cruel mech who enjoyed pressing him to the edge).

In Megatron's rage, he killed the bondmate and then charged his way through the door of Char's home, covered in her mate's blood. Even then, he still believed that he could make Char love him, that they were supposed to be together. He tried to convince her in his angst, but when she pulled a knife on him in fear, he strangled her and killed her. He also killed her sparklings, seeing them as defiling what they'd shared together, but also knowing that without Char, they'd live miserable lives like he had, and he'd rather them have peace than suffering (Megatron's view of the world was very negative and twisted from his own sufferings).

Afterwards, he of course regretted it. Immediately. He had become consumed by his anger and hurt, and he'd never MEANT to hurt her or kill her. Megatron was unstable, had tricked the system long enough that they could no longer contain him, despite his mental health being so fragile (and his physical processor issues which again, another HC post lol).

This is one of the biggest regrets in his life, and always will be. Although he has recovered mostly from his processor issues and is undergoing therapy, Megatron is still a possessive lover. But Char's death is a reminder, always, of what he never wants to go through again, and he wishes he could be a better person. He did love her, but his circumstances were exceptionally unfortunate, and he absolutely regrets every moment of hurt he'd caused her. If he could take it all back, he would, but this was also a long LONG time ago in his life now. But it's something he'll always regret and something that will always haunt him.

Megatron's life had never been kind to him, but it also doesn't excuse his wrongs, and he understands that. He has paid for his crimes, but for this one, he'll never be punished enough in his optics.

[dropintomanga]

Chifuyu Matsuno - The First Line of Support

I wanted to give a shoutout to one of my favorite supporting characters over the past couple of years, Chifuyu Matsuno of Tokyo Revengers (who won the 2022 Magademy Best Supporting Male Character after Manjiro “Mikey” Sano won the 2021 award).

He’s perhaps one of the best friends any anime/manga character will ever have. 

Chifuyu first made his debut in Tokyo Revengers’ second story arc, the Valhalla arc, where he is seen getting beat up by his gang division captain, Keisuke Baji. Baji was infiltrating Valhalla to help save the Tokyo Manji Gang and had to hurt Chifuyu to get in. Chifuyu would later get to know the series’ protagonist, Takemichi Hanagaki, and the two would work together to find a way to help Baji. Despite their best efforts, it was not a happy ending for the most part. However, Chifuyu and Takemichi’s friendship grew because of their shared concern for Baji. 

After the events of Valhalla and the Bloody Halloween incident that happened during that time, more crazy stuff happens (which I talked about this in the post). Chifuyu tries to comfort Takemichi, who believes he has to take care of all the problems himself. When Takemichi sees that Chifuyu is trying to cheer him up the best he can, he comes out to him that he’s a time-traveler from the future and explains everything. Chifuyu tells Takemichi that he sort of figured it out from some of the things the latter has said about people he knew (including Baji) potentially dying. He even says,

“You’re pretty incredible. You’ve been fighting all alone, right? With nobody praising you or anything. Be proud of yourself, Takemitchy. The results don’t matter! Nobody’s watching, but you stood and fought without running. I respect you, dude.”

Takemichi freaks out a bit and asks Chifuyu if he 100% believed everything he said. Chifuyu coolly replies,

“‘Course I do, dumbass! We’re partners, aren’t we?”

He then swears to Takemichi that he’ll have his back to the very end after coming out to him. Although Chifuyu does some really silly things and can be naïve to a fault, his devotion to Takemichi and his best friends in general knows no bounds. One scene with Chifuyu that stands out to me the most is during the Tenjiku arc of the manga. Takemichi is about to be attacked by the Tenjiku gang in public and a very cool-looking Chifuyu jumps in with a kick on a Tenjiku gang member to save his partner at the last moment.

I want to point to a Magademy judge’s comment about Chifuyu after he won the best supporting male character of 2022. (Note: this is in Japanese)

理想の相棒。千冬のような人に自分も出会いたいと思うし、千冬のように誰かを支えられる人間になりたいとも思わせてくれる。

This roughly translates to the judge saying that Chifuyu is the ideal companion and that the character inspires them to meet and support people just like him.

Chifuyu reminds me of someone who’s coming from a warmline. To explain, a warmline is a phone service operated by mental health peers who have gone through mental health challenges. They are different from crisis lines because when you call a warmline, they will not have police or some kind of law enforcement come in if your feelings sound irrational. Peers from a warmline will listen and won’t judge in any way, shape or form. Although they aren’t exactly “friends,” warmlines exhibit a decent level of compassion and empathy.

I see that with Chifuyu and I really wish we could nurture people like him in real life. Over time, I’ve noticed that there’s a movement that’s pushing communication of your problems towards therapy and not your friends. The narrative goes like this - talking about your innermost problems is only okay with a therapist. Don’t burden your friends or they will judge you (sadly, some of this is true). I think professional help is fine in certain cases, but not every professional will get you and they will NEVER truly be supportive in a way a best friend like Chifuyu can. Friends can definitely bear some of the emotional grunt one’s facing. I hate the many societal barriers that have caused friendships to decline over the past decade (and many more) and prevented people to be able to be great emotional support for their friends.

There’s people who talk about spreading mental health awareness, but they’re not walking the walk in actually addressing what people with mental health problems really need.

That’s compassion, respect, and people to believe them.

Chifuyu does all of this. He’s a true mental health champion in a world I sometimes feel doesn’t have many. If you know someone like this, don’t take their support for granted and treasure them always.

[annieintheaair]

I'm not scared of dying lonely, it's the living part that gets me.

So I'm running through airports getting lost, going somewhere I can turn it off, all my baggage in a carry-on.

I eliminated some people from my life last week due to a lack of boundaries. My therapist and I have been working on re-establishing boundaries in my life and I know she didn’t mean for me to remove people but it felt like a painful, yet obvious step.

My mom said I should be flattered that so many guys want to date me. Sure, it’s flattering, but it’s also exhausting trying to maintain friendships with people who don’t seem to understand that you have zero interest in ever dating them. Part of it is specific-- I really don't want to date those people, but part of it is also general-- I can't see myself dating anyone right now. My mom said something on the phone yesterday that made me feel like I'm broken in some way because she said that most people want a relationship. It's not that I don't want one but that I can't put myself back out there again and allow others to hurt me. I honestly don't think my heart could take it even one more time.

When I was younger, back in my 20s, when Dan did stupid things and cheated and hurt me, of course, all of it broke me and of course, all of it had lasting effects on me. My mom told me once that she thought Dan had ruined me because, for a long time, I was so unwilling to even consider dating (and here I am, again). The truth is, nothing really broke me until Dan died. When he passed away two years ago, it made it feel like nothing else mattered. All of the pain I felt over the years was gone, and a new kind of pain arrived. This time, it was a hollowing kind of pain where nothing ever felt like it would fill the void.

Just over two years later, it's still hard. The void still can't be filled and I don't think it ever will. I tried to fill the void with a relationship for months only to realize that I was wasting my time on someone who didn't actually love me. I wanted someone to love me the way that Dan loved me-- endlessly and effortlessly. I wanted someone to know me on all of my good days and bad and still love me anyway.

When I walked away from a relationship in March, it was painful. I felt like there had been so much good there and losing another person in my life was obviously far from ideal. I thought we had a lot of fun together and the good days outweighed the bad. At the end of the day though, I knew, I needed to be with someone who was not only my best friend but someone who loved me unconditionally. I wanted to be with someone who would fight for us. When I walked away and he let me, it confirmed all of the worst feelings, knowing that he didn't actually love me. Someone who loves you will chase you and want to work things out and he didn't.

I feel like the last few years have been filled with so much heartbreak. I swore after Dan died that I would never love someone again but then I met Todd and even though he didn't love me, I know I loved him. Love should always be reciprocated.

I've been trying to stay busy and get more involved in things. I've stuck to yoga for the last year but I'm going back to pilates next week, which I think will be good for me. I recently joined a women's Bible study on Thursday mornings and this morning went to meet a new community group at a local coffee shop. Of course, so far, I'm the youngest one in the group and the only single one. It's okay though because not being married and not having kids should never make me feel disqualified from enjoying life and getting involved. I want to find community.

I've become a "regular" in a lot of things and places I go here again, which has been really nice. I like having routines and feeling a sense of belonging. I've been so busy and so happy to be back that last night, one of my only Friday nights off from work, I was home and had literally nothing to do but watch TV and pass out on my couch until I dragged myself upstairs at 5am. It was lonely and when my neighbor texted me that she and her husband were having a night in watching movies, I was a little jealous. I miss having someone to stay in with, not just go out with. I think that's actually what keeps me away from dating -- having to go through the process again of going out and meeting people when I really just want someone to stay in with me.

Anyway, I'm about to head out with my neighbors for the night so it's time to sign off here.

xoxo

Annie

[noys-boise]

fuck it. the whole ask game with &j. all of it. every single number. with &j

1. Favourite character?

probably Frankie, he's just so sweet and awkward and soscared

2. Character you dislike?

lord motherfucking montague lady montague too actually i hope they both die worst parents ever

3. Favourite ship?

MAYCOIS but honestly i love all the ships so much, maycois just hits different

4. Ship you dislike?

Juliet and Frankie romantically snd whatever other nonsense people made up I'm pretty sure Anne x Juliet is a thing too

5. Rare headcanons you love?

are there even common headcanons? one I'd say is more of a headcanon we don't bring up enough is Romeo eating just anything. anything he gets his hands on. parrot.

6. Common headcanons you love?

panliet, transmeo, is May hating puns a headcanon? it's lowkey canon. also are any of these common in any way.

7. Rare headcanons you hate?

there's not enough fandom for these i don't think. but like idk Juliet and Frankie having any chance of long term seeing each other romantically. like for more than a day after meeting

8. Common headcanons you hate?

idk

9. Character you hate fanon versions of, but love the canon version?

not really a fanon out there so not applicable ig

10. Character you hate the canon version of, but love the fanon versions?

i don't hate per say but i love what we've done with Lance he's more fun in our minds

11. What you would change about the source material if you could?

give us the virginal line back

12. Favourite fanfiction trope?

Romeo being a dork and Juliet loving him for it so much

13. Fanfiction trope you dislike?

Frankie being ripped apart by a zombie but who would write such a thing

14. What makes you immediately drop a fanfic you are reading?

i don't really read bad &j fics

15. What annoys you in this particular fandom's community?

that it's pretty much nonexistent

16. What opinion you hold that most of the fandom disagrees with?

idk if i even do? idk

17. A thing that fandoms do (in general) that annoys you.

we're just talking bout &j here do skip

I'm gonna do the writing oney too cuz live laugh love:

18. Ideas for stories/aus that you have, that you might or might not end up creating?

the au idea we had where the opposite characters lived we're probably not making this but it would be fun

19. What kind of story would you never write?

ships i don't like. never gonna put that in any of these timelines

20. Which character do you struggle with writing the most.

i think i write the &j characters pretty well? although i feel like I've been making Juliet a tad too aggressive in the saga lately? but like after everything it's fair

21. Are you writing/drawing/creating anything outside of fanfiction/fan comics? Do you have any original works?

not &j related (also I'm not really actively I'm all about the saga rn)

22. What is your favourite topic to write about?

well specifically in &j i love writing Romeo's complicated emotions about zombies

23. Share a piece of a WIP.

fineee you get a teaser:

“I got bitten but nothing happened” She explained. “Also I tried to kill myself at one point.”

“Oh, so have I!” Romeo replied casually.

“You both need therapy.” Fletcher noted. “Do you think we can find a therapist in the apocalypse?”

[mrm-pachypodalt]

Vent under the cut. If I don’t post it then I think my brain will cease function but don’t read it ok. It’s general nonsense so don’t worry about it.

I WANT TO FUCKING EXPLODE

I HATE MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES BRO I WISH IT COULD STOP. I WISH IT ALL COULD STOP. JUST. WAUGHHHHH FUCKING HELL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok. Ok. I’m sorry. It’s just. Partner is. Not good at communicating. I have separation anxiety. Stems from fully thinking that my mother was dead for a year because she simply was gone and never texted back etc. I hate that I had to get capital I Issues™️ from that experience because it’s one of my many horrible qualities.

Anyway. I’m trying to organize anything with this man. And gods, I love him I want to shout it from the rooftops. But. He can’t text back for the fuckign life of him. And this is important and time sensitive planning bc it involves a third party!!!! But he just. Doesn’t fugking read any of my messages. And gods I miss him and want to hold him and I want, nay need to tell him about how. How this type of situation feels like fumcking shit, ya know?

And I would talk to a therapist, if I had one. I would talk with a friend about it if I wouldn’t feel more like a burden about it than I already do. I’m convinced all my friends fucking hate me, man. I feel like I’m just upsetting to them. By existing. How do I know this? Definitely paranoia. Definitely the immense, deep-rooted self hatred that I’ve felt for myself ever since I could remember.

I’m failing all of my classes. I’m in college. I can’t afford to fail. I. I can’t.

I have this one friend. Who is. Succeeding in every level that I don’t. Has reached that level in the social media art world where their work is found everywhere. And I’m so, so proud of them. Genuinely, I really, truly am. But. I envy them. So much. I wish I had their drive. Their ability to actually make anything. The ability to post art without fear of rejection consuming them.

Doesn’t help that my entire sense of self-worth has been directly tied to my ability to “make cool art” and “sing nicely” for almost a decade of being alive on this fucking earth.

I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired.

And it doesn’t help that I can’t bring myself to tell anyone. Especially since I have nothing to offer to make up for it (what is ‘it,’ though? Venting, having emotions, existing?) I can’t be sad. I’m not allowed to be. I don’t have anything to offer in return other than tears.

I promised my partner that I wouldn’t cut myself anymore, but it’s so hard. Why is it so hard to abstain from self-harm? I’m sticking to writing on my arm, instead. The sting from the ink seeping into skin kind of helps. But it’s not enough.

It’s fine. I’m fine.

[rut-ro]

... 9 years later

I realized today that Tumblr still exists (!!) and that I started a hand-full of short lived blogs. Reading those old posts, I'm kind of impressed with myself. (Is that allowed?) Who wrote this, it's not half bad!

This one is my fav. Rut Ro! I was in a rut after moving to Amsterdam, struggling to look for a job in 2014. This blog helped me stay motivated and now 9 years later (in spongebob voice) I'm in a rut again.

Somehow writing my thoughts down in a blog feels so different than writing in my journal. My journals are filled with wild rants and negative thoughts in my worst moments. Maybe because they're on pages of paper that no one will ever read, I feel safe to unleash my worst self. A blog has that possibility of being read. Even if it's read by only one person, a stranger who doesn't know me, I want to be on my best written behavior(?) But I still want to be authentic and maybe impress that one person with my wit and obvious intelligence. ;)

I guess a rut every 9 years isn't too bad.

This is how I ended up here and what's happened since the last post.

Work:

Left that job I found 9 years ago because of a visa issue. The HR person was not interested in helping me and wouldn't permit me to go back to the office after I left one Friday and never returned (not even to collect my things). Hired an immigration lawyer and we won the appeal 1 year later. Probably the best career move to happen to me that I didn't do for myself.

After panicking about being unemployed again, I got a job freelancing for Philips and never left. Started as a UX designer and moved up to UX lead. Joined as a fulltime employee to build out the digital design team when the domestic appliance division split off, becoming Versuni 2 years ago.

Now on burnout leave after simultaneously building, then rebuilding the digital design team, helping educate the global design team on digital/UX design, leading multiple app projects, and taking part in the company's digital transformation projects. It was a lot. I'm now just starting to return to work, carefully.

Thus my current rut but I have a therapist this time!

Friends:

Made lots of friends in the last years. Some stayed, some didn't. Some became very close. Burnout has affected the social events and people I hangout with now. I also think getting older and more settled within myself also made me appreciate the ones who have been there for me when I really needed it (and didn't know it).

I'm not good at asking for help. Wasn't taught to do it and wasn't encouraged to need help when I was young. Still learning how to do it. So when people called and brought me food and kept me company during the difficult times, its surprising to me. I'm a lucky person to have these friends (you know who you are).

Family:

My mom remarried and my sister has grown up. My dad's health steadily declines at a medium pace but he remains positive about life. I was running from them when I moved away and now I'm starting to open up to them more.

I'm seeing a lot more social media and media in general about the immigrant experience. Especially about Asians growing up in western communities. It's so crazy to think that we were all having similar experiences at the same time in the 80s and 90s. And now that we're the "adults" who rebelled/fought/suffered/lived through it, we can create content about it. I guess when it comes to this topic, I still don't feel like an adult. I'm still the Chinese kid growing up in LA confused about her identity. And to add to that now living in the Netherlands for 11 years. Who am I and where do I really belong? Still working on that one too.

Romance:

This one is hard to write about. Had a couple bad breakups. Very dramatic ones that I won't go into details about. I learned from each one. Codependency was a hard but incredibly valuable lesson to learn. Interdependency, that's what I've been working on. Lots of habits to change, unlearn and relearn. Communication and being vulnerable are difficult and important things to do in a relationship (romantic or not). I learned that you don't have to do them well all the time, it's more of a practice.

My new relationship is the healthiest one I've ever had. We both have a learner's mind and actually want to learn from and understand each other. What a concept!

Inner peace:

I think I lost my way a little bit on this one. When I started freelancing, it was also when I became single after a long time, I decided to study yoga seriously. Went almost everyday for many years. Learned that it's more than physical movement and stretching my body into impressive looking poses. Stepped into the spiritual stories, meditation, and ayurvedic lifestyle a little bit. With that, learning how to create/communicate boundaries for myself, and living on my own (again) in a foreign country, I felt like I ate a mushroom and leveled up my life.

I felt so free and confident. I prioritised traveling and visiting with friends. I got my yoga teaching certification. I started studying yoga therapy and other forms of yoga.

Where did I lose myself? I think when I decided to put all that aside to focus on my so called career.

What now:

I guess I feel quite negatively about that decision because of how it's turned out. I might feel differently in another 9 years. It was part of a bigger plan. I wanted to accomplish a few things.

Own a home

Level up my position (difficult to do while freelancing, you end up getting the same positions/projects most of the time)

Get paid to learn new things instead of paying for my own training and struggle to get experience

After that go back to freelancing and focusing on my inner peace, gain experience teaching yoga, and eventually exit corporate world to become a yoga teacher/therapist of some sort.

I did do all three! But it doesn't feel like I succeeded.

Dammit!

If this isn't the biggest example/lesson in "it's about the journey, not the destination" then I don't know what is.

Not saying my way here was all terrible. It wasn't. But it did cost me my inner peace and mental health.

I'm lucky to have friends and a partner who support me with hugs, food, their time, kind words, and love.

Now I'm trying to retrace what I did back then when I felt free and confident (only a few years ago). After writing this, I see it. I need to bring back my inner peace practices while focusing on work. Maybe focus even more on my personal practices because work will happen anyway.

My practices:

Yoga with a touch of spiritual mindfulness

Meditation

Breaks to see friends near and far

Learning both for my career and for myself

Nurture my friendships while also having boundaries

Approaching work with less attachment and more boundaries

Ask for help and ask loudly (new)

Onward and upward. Thanks for reading.

[fasa-umich]

Amanda Sutherby, FASA's 2022 - 2023 Co-President

Okay, let's do this one last time, yeah? For real this time. This is it. My name is Amanda. I was bitten by a radioactive spider. And for like 364 days (I counted), I've been one of FASA’s Co-presidents. I’m pretty sure you know the rest…a couple mass meetings, a few FAM/Lineage reveals, Halo-Haloween, Couzens MPR, CHAMPAIGN ILLINOIS, October burnout, PCN, BOTB, and so much more.

No, but in all seriousness, I can’t believe I am writing my second, and last, FASA e-board testimonial. If you asked me last year if I saw myself as one of FASA’s Co-presidents, the answer would be absolutely not. Even before election season, my roommates and I would sit and contemplate who we thought would be in each executive board position. Not once during this “fantasy e-board” (Caldito, 2023) did I draft myself as president. If anything I thought I was more suited as a secretary. But somewhere along the way, I gained a different perspective. I took a minute for myself and thought about the direction I wanted FASA to head in. After I had that in my mind, I asked myself if it was possible to implement these changes outside the presidential position. Would I be able to accomplish the things I wanted without the resources that came with being co-president? And I think we can all guess what conclusion I came to.

Now officially, being a FASA co-president involves overseeing and delegating the rest of the FASA executive board. Overall, it’s their responsibility to ensure that FASA is upholding its three pillars of community, culture, and outreach. Unofficially, being a FASA co-president was the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done. There were times when I felt like I was a friend, a mom, a therapist, or generally just someone trying to put out fires where I could. But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Even during the most exhausting and frustrating moments in the position, I was so grateful to have these experiences. 

As my time as a co-social chair came to an end, I knew I wasn’t ready to leave the e-board. I believed that I still had growth inside the organization that I wanted to achieve. Essentially, I had so much left to give to FASA, and I wasn’t quite ready to let it go. I am ready now. It’s bittersweet saying goodbye and stepping down. But I leave knowing that I have learned so much by being a leader in FASA. I have become confident, not only in myself but in my cultural identity. And that is thanks to my time both on board and in FASA.

Coming into college, I was so disconnected from my cultural identity. I grew up knowing virtually nothing about Philippine culture. No one ever talked about the Philippines around me growing up. And besides the occasional lumpia or adobo, Filipino food was not made in my house. I was never given the chance to learn what being Filipino meant. So, even though my cousin (Samuel Dennis Baine) was encouraging me to join FASA as soon as I got accepted into Umich, I planned not to. In fact, I even remember telling my mom that I wouldn't fit in because I wasn’t “Filipino” enough. Luckily, Sam didn’t take no for an answer and he all but forced me to FASA’s welcome weekend. And I am forever grateful that he did. By making me come to welcome weekend he set off this crazy chain reaction that led me from general member to FASA intern to social chair to one of FASA’s co-presidents. 

To Board, first of all, I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of you. I don’t think any of you hear it enough, but you all have done such amazing work. Honestly, you all were half the reason I wanted to run for president to begin with. I wanted to be there to watch every single one of you grow into your positions. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ambitious or creative board. 

Justine, remember when I compared you to a blizzard? Well, I still double down on that. You are truly a force of nature. You are diligent, kind, and a true girlboss always. 

Sophie, You have the ability to make anyone feel welcome and laugh for no less than ten minutes straight (to this day I am still laughing about the thumb joke you told me).  

Alyssa, your passion and drive for not just FASA and its members, but towards the history and culture of the Philippines is truly an inspiration.  

JC, you always account for every aspect and person on board, making sure nothing and no one goes unnoticed or is left behind (also thank you so much for always giving me a ride home after my shifts at the hospital). 

Angeli, I loved watching you grow this year. You are so creative in many ways that I can’t wrap my head around it. I am in awe of everything you have accomplished, and I can’t wait to see what else you do.

Andrew, your love for FASA is so evident in everything you do. The initiative and ability you have at reaching out to people and making them feel heard is not something everyone can do (also lowkey I will miss bringing snacks for you during our board meetings). 

Kyle, you are so genuine and kind. At every board meeting, I could count on you for a smile. I will truly miss working with you.

Ashley, you are incredible. You are kind, driven, smart, and beautiful. You have approached the external chair with such professionalism that I believe people can learn from you.

Mikey, you are probably one of the hardest workers I know. The drive with which you approached External Chairs this year truly changed the position for the better. Thank you for setting such a great precedent. 

Caitlin, you inspire me every day with your kindness and ambition. The way you have balanced performance duties and nursing is crazy to me. Every decision you make is always done with someone in mind. You make sure everyone feels included.

Bryson, the dedication you have for FASA is amazing. You truly give 110% not just in your position and performance, but in all things FASA related. I have loved watching you grow into the leader you are today.

Christian, I am so thankful that we convinced you to run for the board. Having you has been such a great asset. You never falter in lending a helping hand to anyone. Your generosity and warm personality makes you a great friend and board member.

Emily, the work you have put into FASA is indescribable. You were quite literally doing the work of two people AND you were doing it with such a positive attitude. You are genuinely such an amazing individual and I am so grateful to have been given the chance to work with you.

Together, as a board, we hit the ground running from the very start to make our version of FASA You have all gone above and beyond my expectations, and have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. Yes, we had our ups and downs. But what family doesn’t? I just want to let you know that I am so thankful to have worked with you all <3

To Celeste, the love and care you have for this organization is undeniable. Your passion for FASA and Philippine culture was always so evident to me. You inspire me with how intentional you are in your relationships. You never fail at checking in on those around you and making sure they are doing well. I never got to truly thank you enough for stepping up and helping me when I was going through a hard time in November. You made sure I wasn’t getting overwhelmed by FASA tasks and were always there to lend help. I am so thankful that you and I were cos together. I want you to know that I am proud of the person you have grown into over this year. Thank you for all the laughs, memories, and late-night emergency meetings - xoxo

To Emily and Michelle, you both deserve such a big shoutout. You have been my support system since day one. I love being able to talk to you both about my day, board, FASA, literally anything. I can always count on you to have my back through anything. You have both helped me in more ways than I can describe, and I want you both to know you are some of the most important people in my life. Emily, your mindfulness and reflectiveness has been such a blessing to me. You are constantly teaching me new ideas and ways of thinking. And I think out of everyone, you have helped ground me the most. Michelle, there has not been one instance where I have not felt loved and welcomed by you. You are the embodiment of a ray of sunshine. I want you to know that you are such a big source of happiness in my life and always will be. I love you both beyond words. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

To Alyssa and Bryson, I am so excited for you both to be the next FASA co-presidents! The FASA I entered my freshman year is not the same one Celeste and I are handing off to you. The organization as a whole is constantly evolving and growing. But I want you both to know that I believe you are the best two individuals to help lead FASA through this growth. I am confident that you both will create a supportive environment that allows the board and FASA to grow to their fullest potential. I know FASA is in great hands, and I am confident in both of you. You are going to love watching your board members learn the ins and outs of their positions. You are also going to be equally in awe and in fear of their ambitious ideas. Don't be afraid to ground their ideas when necessary. Remember to take care of yourselves and look out for one another. The position isn’t easy but support from both of you and the rest of your board will make it worth it. Please reach out if you need anything at all. I am truly so happy for both of you. Good luck next year!

To FASA, thank you for being the community I needed when I entered college. You paved the way for me to educate myself about Philippine culture through workshops, services, and events. You taught me more languages, histories, and traditions than I ever knew existed. For the first time, I feel connected to my cultural identity, and that is thanks to you. You also made it possible to meet some of my closest friends. So thank you so much for all of that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully articulate how grateful for the effect you have had on me. Just know that it has helped me more than you will ever know. 

FASA I have loved working with you for the past two and half years, but I am officially ready to retire! 

Maraming Salamat - Amanda Sutherby <3

[the-diary-of-red-beryl]

2022 Reflection

This year has left me feeling fairly defeated, to say the least.

It's not to say that no good things happened this year - I accomplished a lot, both at work (my first year of working full time!) and outside (adulting at 22). Despite that though, and the number of friendships that I've been carefully growing with kind people, I feel worse than ever, and to know that I've regressed backwards despite doing so much to improve my situation - I mean, what am I supposed to think?

Getting diagnosed with audhd mid this year helped me immensely, but at the same time it's unlocked so much rage in me (why didn't anyone notice that I was always struggling both socially and academically? I literally have an audio processing disorder that makes traditional classroom learning and lectures absolutely unsuitable for me - I'm entirely self taught), and given the lack of literature and awareness in both professionals and general society on the experiences and needs of late diagnosed afabs, I'm really having trouble understanding what to do with myself. Slowly unlearning to ignore my bodily signals, then read and understand them, is very much a slow process, especially with now knowing that CPT and antidepressants (the standard therapist approach) achieve the exact opposite of that. And then there's being thrust into face to face social interactions again, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (without a social rules handbook - could someone have told me you're not meant to ask for cocktails when someone else is shouting a drink?) where not only do I miss some social rules (from a mix of not being allowed to socialise at all growing up, plus not instinctively being able to pick up these sorts of rules as I go along), but also face incredibly jarring micro-interactions with people who (may) mean well but don't quite know how to act (not that I'm able to provide feedback on how to improve either). I'm too good at masking, and seem high functioning and not neurodivergent (it's not a compliment to hear this about myself, and what am I actually like when I'm not pretending to be like others in front of them?), because it means people apply the usual lens on my behaviour and assume the worst about my character.

It's not easy finding the right balance between showing that I'm struggling, and coming off as attention seeking or faking it or being dramatic and overly emotional (life genuinely has me by the balls at the moment, and honestly always has), even though I really do wake up anxious every day and have nightmares most nights about upcoming social interactions (and constantly loop through past ones to analyse and overthink), at some point, constantly asking for support starts to come off that way (even though I genuinely need all the help that I can get).

What's harder is figuring out the right balance of staying optimistic that I'll meet people who will appreciate me and treat me well (these are rare, and the reverse implies that I've had so many traumatic experiences this year and in previous years, and have so much healing to do) and trying to stay vulnerable and open to foster these connections, versus shutting off entirely and forgoing the potential for these relationships at all (and denying my needs in the process).

I really do feel like an alien among everyone around me, and it's probably one of the biggest challenges that I face, communicating that with people ("but what's the point if everyone around you is the same as you, you wouldn't grow"), because I still haven't found someone that has the emotional and time capacity to and really knows how to listen to my thoughts and feelings, and figure things out together (yes my love language is quality time), and who respects my boundaries and basic needs. Eventually I got sick of constantly being the bigger person in each connection, and always giving others the benefit of the doubt, when I never am able to afford these things for myself.

I suppose this proportion and magnitude of negative human interactions is what numbs me from the right interactions that I experience throughout my days, because I've yet to have any real long term safe connection with anyone, and I wonder if anyone out there is equipped to deal with me at all (I wonder if I deserve it (of course I do, just as anyone does), but it's hard to feel the same when I've gone my whole life without it, and may possibly never experience it).

I wouldn't call it generalised depression or generalised anxiety either as professionals previously thought, because for me these conditions are purely situational on the fact that I (am forced to) live in a society that isn't made to accommodate people like me. Which makes for a bleak reality when I realised that no matter how many therapy sessions and doctors appointments I had or would have continued to have (or amount of exercise, healthy eating, meditation, mindfulness, etc.), it wouldn't have solved the problem at all, no matter how much I went with it. I absolutely feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because it feels like I'm just not able to communicate fully, no matter how much I try, and subsequently, no matter how much I try, I don't think I can improve my situation very much either.

So my grim conclusion for this year is that once again, for another year, I will (have to) give it my best shot, despite not having the energy for it, because no one else will for me (and still continue to hope that one day I'll be fully heard and be able to find my way, before I give up).

[oddlittlestories]

Okay let’s get SPECIFIC.

At the end, everyone just kind of leaves, except for Sisko.

- Sisko. This ending is bad. No weird mind control birth. In fact, I don’t want to see his mom at all unless she’s an important character. Deeply unnecessary also - he’s who he is because he IS, period.

Instead, make his brain thing come back. It starts getting triggered the second he lands on Bajoran soil. He can never ever go home. So he makes a home on DS9 instead. Eventually, he starts a restaurant himself and everyone goes to Sisko’s, best restaurant outside of New Orleans. He has his new baby. Not because this is wish fulfillment but because it works better thematically. The baby goes to Bajor a lot and Sisko can only watch with an ache in his heart.

- IIRC the station becomes “mostly Bajoran.” Nope! The station continues to be incredibly multicultural, only now Cardassians and people from the far side of the wormhole are truly freely allowed to be there. It does make a certain amount of sense for the Federation presence to end, except NO IT DOESN’T because the wormhole is still really important, and the Federation can and should be frontline on rebuilding and relief efforts. Bajor should take charge though. DS9, which should finally get a Bajoran name, should become a lot like Bonn, Germany - a HUGE seat of diplomacy and intergalactic relations and multiculturalism forever and ever because of its history.

- Odo should not be allowed to go home to his people. NONE of them should be allowed to go home actually. I don’t know how the logistics would work but they should all be sent on cultural relocation programs where they have to live with other people. (If I ever write a fic, this COULD play out the canon way only for Lwaxana to show up and be like dude, melding did a number on you before, here’s my new plan, let’s make it happen).

- Obviously Bashir and Garak shouldn’t have to separate the way they do. Actually it makes the most sense for Bashir to be a leader in the medical response efforts which will be ongoing, and for Garak to do similar stuff.

- I think Worf’s story probably plays out mostly the same.

- I think Keiko’s career should take precedence over Miles for a while, or Bajor could ask them both to stay. Something

- I hate Jadzia’s death but I think actually someone should die. I think they fumble it violently though. It mostly gets fixed with a few things (1) don’t fridge her, let her die in honorable combat. (2) the reaction to her death should’ve been about a pillar of the community, NOT about some weird ‘we’re attracted to you’ deal. Also them figuring out what being multi-generational friends with a joined Trill is really *like* (3) if Ezri is a weak personality who doesn’t handle being joined well, then it should be written *as established*. The dude who tried to steal Dax is an example right there! His personality, wants, and desires were largely subsumed by Dax, which was only *partly* because his one strong desire was to be joined. I think that’s an interesting conflict to explore, potentially, if you do it right. I think it’s more interesting if Ezri has issues because she wasn’t prepared and didn’t want this, so she over-asserts herself and tried to repress the other personalities rather than letting it all blend well. She gets confused because she’s constantly trying to figure out which pieces are “her” and which aren’t. And she gets distressed and self-isolates because of all these strong feelings she has about people she doesn’t actually know. And after the initial weirdness around “you’re a person who is also a person we’re grieving,” everyone gives her a piece of the puzzle. And Sisko sits with her and has her walk through what she as a therapist would tell herself. And she talks a lot to Odo, who knows what it’s like to be joined AND what it’s like to have other personalities bombard or even attempt to subsume your own. Wow I didn’t realize I had so many thoughts on this, this is practically a fully realized fic right here. And so then eventually—during Under A Paper Moon, so she has her own arc that parallels Nog’s—she begins to accepts herself as one, whole person, irrevocably changed but still with things she values. And she Becomes Dax. A little sadder, a little shyer, a little more serious than Jadzia. But Dax—boisterous, confident, bursting with life. Friends with everyone on the station. And refusing to take shit from anybody. But unlike Jadzia, a little more able to be indirect when she wants to be, and an *uncanny* ability to make people talk THEMSELVES into the point she wants to make. And all of this happens and then, finally, she has her Jiantara and the Big Moment is ofc Meeting Jadzia. Only Jadzia isn’t quite like anyone remembers her. She’s sweet and shy and though a fire burns, she’s not Jadzia Dax. Like how she was when the symbiont was taken from her in the earlier episode. Everyone also gets an opportunity to say goodbye to Jadzia again. And Jadzia gets to talk to Worf about her death and Stovokor one on one and they have a very painful sad conversation that gives them both some closure. And Ezri gets to express her frustration and fear to the woman who should be Dax. And ask why Jadzia isn’t quite as they remember. And Jadzia explains that Ezri is Dax now, which is the end of Ezri’s arc of Embracing Dax. Because Jadzia lives on in her, and she IS Dax now.

- Alexander Rhozhenko should’ve become an artist. It should’ve been something he was secretly practicing, off and on, the whole time and chose to embrace in the end

- Alexander and Jake should’ve put together the first joint Cardassian - Bajoran art show in Ziyal’s memory. Huge controversy “people are starving and you want to give them art?”

Kira steps in and is like “art is important.” Damar doesn’t really get it but he’ll go along. They put it together. It has a huge positive impact. Eventually they start a program where Cardassians and Bajorans learn to create art together while studying both artistic and historical traditions. It’s a lodestone for cultural healing and reconciliation, and that is Ziyal’s legacy, because she saw something no one else could see.

Okay apparently I’m not done about DS9’s ending, mind the spoilers (I’ve tagged ds9 spoilers for any who’d like to avoid)

“The shire was saved, but not for me” is a powerful and punchy point but one that (1) LOTR already did - and only to one character, mind you, while the rest had to deal with What’s Next - and (2) is honestly not that resonant here

DS9 is a show about - about the mundane meeting the political. About people’s personal lives and inner workings. About - what happens when a utopia (no I don’t want to deal with discussions that it’s not, Utopia in Star Trek is a whole other discussion) clashes with fascism and suddenly you have to get your hands dirty to save it - but how far can you go without genuinely losing it. About the fallibility AND the raw power of individual people, often in the same breath.

But it was always, always about preserving the utopia even in the darkest of times. If the characters find a way to connect and be joyous and LIVE even in the bloodiest, darkest times. If it’s a template for fighting fascism and embracing the humane and human, even or especially within ourselves.

And THAT show wants me to walk away with no template for how to rebuild and rediscover the joy and safety after it’s all over, seriously?