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... 9 years later

I realized today that Tumblr still exists (!!) and that I started a hand-full of short lived blogs. Reading those old posts, I'm kind of impressed with myself. (Is that allowed?) Who wrote this, it's not half bad!

This one is my fav. Rut Ro! I was in a rut after moving to Amsterdam, struggling to look for a job in 2014. This blog helped me stay motivated and now 9 years later (in spongebob voice) I'm in a rut again.

Somehow writing my thoughts down in a blog feels so different than writing in my journal. My journals are filled with wild rants and negative thoughts in my worst moments. Maybe because they're on pages of paper that no one will ever read, I feel safe to unleash my worst self. A blog has that possibility of being read. Even if it's read by only one person, a stranger who doesn't know me, I want to be on my best written behavior(?) But I still want to be authentic and maybe impress that one person with my wit and obvious intelligence. ;)

I guess a rut every 9 years isn't too bad.

This is how I ended up here and what's happened since the last post.

Work:

Left that job I found 9 years ago because of a visa issue. The HR person was not interested in helping me and wouldn't permit me to go back to the office after I left one Friday and never returned (not even to collect my things). Hired an immigration lawyer and we won the appeal 1 year later. Probably the best career move to happen to me that I didn't do for myself.

After panicking about being unemployed again, I got a job freelancing for Philips and never left. Started as a UX designer and moved up to UX lead. Joined as a fulltime employee to build out the digital design team when the domestic appliance division split off, becoming Versuni 2 years ago.

Now on burnout leave after simultaneously building, then rebuilding the digital design team, helping educate the global design team on digital/UX design, leading multiple app projects, and taking part in the company's digital transformation projects. It was a lot. I'm now just starting to return to work, carefully.

Thus my current rut but I have a therapist this time!

Friends:

Made lots of friends in the last years. Some stayed, some didn't. Some became very close. Burnout has affected the social events and people I hangout with now. I also think getting older and more settled within myself also made me appreciate the ones who have been there for me when I really needed it (and didn't know it).

I'm not good at asking for help. Wasn't taught to do it and wasn't encouraged to need help when I was young. Still learning how to do it. So when people called and brought me food and kept me company during the difficult times, its surprising to me. I'm a lucky person to have these friends (you know who you are).

Family:

My mom remarried and my sister has grown up. My dad's health steadily declines at a medium pace but he remains positive about life. I was running from them when I moved away and now I'm starting to open up to them more.

I'm seeing a lot more social media and media in general about the immigrant experience. Especially about Asians growing up in western communities. It's so crazy to think that we were all having similar experiences at the same time in the 80s and 90s. And now that we're the "adults" who rebelled/fought/suffered/lived through it, we can create content about it. I guess when it comes to this topic, I still don't feel like an adult. I'm still the Chinese kid growing up in LA confused about her identity. And to add to that now living in the Netherlands for 11 years. Who am I and where do I really belong? Still working on that one too.

Romance:

This one is hard to write about. Had a couple bad breakups. Very dramatic ones that I won't go into details about. I learned from each one. Codependency was a hard but incredibly valuable lesson to learn. Interdependency, that's what I've been working on. Lots of habits to change, unlearn and relearn. Communication and being vulnerable are difficult and important things to do in a relationship (romantic or not). I learned that you don't have to do them well all the time, it's more of a practice.

My new relationship is the healthiest one I've ever had. We both have a learner's mind and actually want to learn from and understand each other. What a concept!

Inner peace:

I think I lost my way a little bit on this one. When I started freelancing, it was also when I became single after a long time, I decided to study yoga seriously. Went almost everyday for many years. Learned that it's more than physical movement and stretching my body into impressive looking poses. Stepped into the spiritual stories, meditation, and ayurvedic lifestyle a little bit. With that, learning how to create/communicate boundaries for myself, and living on my own (again) in a foreign country, I felt like I ate a mushroom and leveled up my life.

I felt so free and confident. I prioritised traveling and visiting with friends. I got my yoga teaching certification. I started studying yoga therapy and other forms of yoga.

Where did I lose myself? I think when I decided to put all that aside to focus on my so called career.

What now:

I guess I feel quite negatively about that decision because of how it's turned out. I might feel differently in another 9 years. It was part of a bigger plan. I wanted to accomplish a few things.

Own a home

Level up my position (difficult to do while freelancing, you end up getting the same positions/projects most of the time)

Get paid to learn new things instead of paying for my own training and struggle to get experience

After that go back to freelancing and focusing on my inner peace, gain experience teaching yoga, and eventually exit corporate world to become a yoga teacher/therapist of some sort.

I did do all three! But it doesn't feel like I succeeded.

Dammit!

If this isn't the biggest example/lesson in "it's about the journey, not the destination" then I don't know what is.

Not saying my way here was all terrible. It wasn't. But it did cost me my inner peace and mental health.

I'm lucky to have friends and a partner who support me with hugs, food, their time, kind words, and love.

Now I'm trying to retrace what I did back then when I felt free and confident (only a few years ago). After writing this, I see it. I need to bring back my inner peace practices while focusing on work. Maybe focus even more on my personal practices because work will happen anyway.

My practices:

Yoga with a touch of spiritual mindfulness

Meditation

Breaks to see friends near and far

Learning both for my career and for myself

Nurture my friendships while also having boundaries

Approaching work with less attachment and more boundaries

Ask for help and ask loudly (new)

Onward and upward. Thanks for reading.

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Finding time vs. Making time

Recently, I started a fulltime job. I love that I have a job because that’s what I wanted and I love my work so far. I hate that I have a job because it leaves very little time for things I started to do when I didn’t have a job.

When I didn’t have a job, I found myself with a lot of time. This was time that I had to myself, by myself, to manage myself. I went through a lot of phases with all this time.

1. Wheeee! Free time to do whatever I want! I’ll get those projects done that I’ve been putting off. 2. I’ll just start by relaxing a little, watch some TV. 3. I really should do some chores or something instead of watching a marathon of this TV show. 4. No one cares if I do anything today, I’ll just watch another show. 5. I’ll  take a nap. 6. I’ll just sleep in, then I’ll start doing stuff later. 7. Damn, it’s already 3pm! I was only productive for 2 hours today. 8. Need to get up and be productive by 10am. 9. Wow, I’m up early today. I have no idea what I should be doing today. I’ll just watch TV. 10. It took me 5 hours to fold the laundry because I’ve been watching TV all day. 11. Get out of the house! Going to a cafe to focus on stuff. Where’s that list of projects? 12. Prioritize the list, then do something productive today. 13. Ugh, hangover. I’m sleeping in, no one cares if I don’t do anything today. 14. The list is too long! Must revise. One at a time. 15. Wake up around 8. Work out in the morning. Then, go to the cafe for coffee and stay focused. Home for lunch. Finish what I was doing. Start prepping for dinner. 16. This schedule is working. Need to avoid hangovers more. 17. Feeling productive. Getting things done. I’m focused on what’s important now. 18. Going to tackle bigger projects now. 19. Feeling great! Oh a job opportunity. Sure, why not? 20. I got the job! 8-10 hours a day including the commute. 21. Haven’t worked out or done anything with the projects I started. 22. Need to workout in the morning before going to work. 23. Need to go to bed earlier. No more drunken school nights. 24. In bed by 10pm, asleep by 11pm seems the best. 25. Can’t be too drunk this weekend. So much I want to do during the day. 26. A productive weekend with little hangover! Success.

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Notes from What Design Can Do day 2

Rogier Klomp & Shuchen Tan Documentary investigating Shell Tried to find out who Shell was doing busines with. Found out that there were ships going to Iran. Without the data analysis, they wouldn’t have found out. They made a fake linkedin account as an employee of Shell and started to connect to Shell emplyees. Then they analysed the networks and found that there are some people who work for shell, some who work for the government, and some who work for both. Graphic journalists Network analysis through visualisations. look for patterns instead of verbal clues

Bernard Lahousse how to make insects and bycatch more appealing? Experiment with the tube we were given. open the tube without smelling it pinch nose, taste sugar, unpinch nose - you then taste cinnamon. Nose is so crutial to food. Combining chefs with scientists Analyse food molecules and visualise it and create with it

Breakout 5 - Yepp bike accessories Marktplaats UX went lean don’t make many designs are there to help give the user’s perspective - how? research? better understanding of users asked users to keep diaries motivational framework - practical worldview, social, recreational, economical personas and customer journeys - why they do what they do. gives development priorities involved people from different depts for persona workshops

Michael Bierut if you only use 2 colors: black and white Koichi Takada Yale school of architecture - no standard typeface for yale. Brand has a Y in a circle Sometimes the most obvious is the best visual solution Saks Fifth Avenue - make the logo and divide the logo into a grid of small squares. analyse what each square looks like. Each logo will give different set of squares Saks Think about catalog system NY Transit - new version of Helvetica. Made icons that use the same characteristics as the font. curves and line widths are exactly the same as the font. Factoring out color made it less complicated. Book: A wilderness of terror. try to be as passionate about as many things as possible. And work on what you’re passionate about.

Teddy Cruz Engaging conflict Political division between US and mexico - artifact of fear, makes San Diego the largest gated community URBAN CRIsis is also a cultural issue Social practices of adaptation Other ways of constructing the city citizenship as the creative act visualizing citizenship Skaters wanted to build a skatepark under a freeway overpass They invaded the space without permission and started to dig until cops stopped them they learned they are in the middle of multiple municipalities that govern that area before engaging the city, they had to gain the knowledge of jurisdiction in that environment activist practice depends on the sharing of knowledge in order to do things. What do our activists want to achieve? how do we help them do that? Conflict becomes a creative tool for design. design as praxis. to transform top down policy

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Right now, I'm working on speaking up instead of keeping it to myself and thinking, I told you so, when things go unfavorably later.

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Incredible videos of people saving each others lives in public places. It’s amazing how a public space transforms when the people are bonded by life and death. Everyone realizes they are equal on a subconscious level. Everyone’s goal becomes united by trying to save a life. How can we encourage this collective kindness everyday?

We must remember that the stranger sitting next to us is a person who has a story and deserves the very best from us. To be treated like our brothers and sisters. I’m reminded of a story thats been in circulation recently about a young black man falling asleep in the shoulder of an older Jewish man on the subway. When asked if he wants to wake the man up, the Jewish man said “No, don’t wake him. He must have had a long day. Let him sleep.” What a beautiful thing to do! He gave a stranger the gift of rest and sleep without prejudice. I’m not sure I would do the same. But I will try harder everyday.

Read the article here. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/sleeping-stranger-subway-picture_n_4228826.html

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Me, Myself and Muse

A very inspiring podcast by WNYC, RadioLab about how sometimes it takes a little extra kick in the butt to get things done and how inspiration needs some help as well.

http://www.radiolab.org/story/117294-me-myself-and-muse/

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Motivation

As I'm getting older I'm realizing health is a like a pension fund. You make deposits to it when you're young by getting off your lazy ass and working out. Doesn't matter what you do, just do something physical consistently. Every time I don't want to workout I remind myself that I want to be able to walk around with my grand kids when I'm old. I also don't want to have to buy fat clothes.

I think staying motivated is very much the same. You can't just sit around doing nothing and think that will keep you motivated. When you don't feel motivation from within, sometimes it comes form people, places, and things around you.

Finding motivation sometimes Isn't a walk in the park. Sometimes nothing seems interesting. Keep trying. I know of many creative people who give themselves little assignments that keep them motivated and inspired. It's like going to the gym but for your sprit. Fill your motivation coffers with exciting people, inspiring environments, and interesting ideas. Even of they are not what you are looking for. Curiosity aids inspiration. Inspiration aids motivation. Keep trying and also try new things. If one doesn't work, try another.

Just keep moving. 

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1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise. 2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it. 4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice. 7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full. 9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle. 10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck. 11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog. 12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through. 14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness  (via pigmenting)

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Rut the Rut

I read this article in the Huffington Post and I thought I’d try it out. Here’s my interpretation and what I did.

Change it up. What worked last week might not work this week. Our bodies and minds adapt. Change keeps us on our toes. I wore my boyfriend’s shirt all day. Made me feel kind of masculine and in charge. Also felt closer and more appreciative of my boyfriend. I got some looks on the street. But screw them, I love the shirt.

Track progress. Seeing progress is encouraging and inspires us to work harder. You can also see what worked and didn’t work. Started writing in my journal again (which I haven’t picked up since 2011). That became fodder for this blog. 

Don’t go for quick fixes. Establishing long term goals and breaking them down into smaller ones will help keep progress going.  Realized tracking progress will help keep track of these goals. So simple! I also found it helps if I don’t have too many goals at once. Staying focused is a big challenge. Maybe I should make a chart or graph. I’m a visual person.

Find the right time. Don’t schedule a workout in the morning if you’re not a morning person. Send resumes in the morning when everyone is fresh and ready to make decisions. Do things at the most opportune times.  Surprise again, changing it up might help you figure out when that right time is and tracking progress will tell you which times worked. Tried working out in the morning vs in the afternoon. It’s ok for now because I’m not awake until 9am (unemployed… it’s not fun anymore). Once I get a job, I’ll have to change this or wake up earlier. Not sure which will win. But it’s definitely better than waiting until the afternoon or evening when I’m tired and too lazy to do it.

Been trying to do this for a couple weeks. I need to track my changes better. I think I’ll try making charts. Maybe with cool icons. 

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In the last week I have...

built a pallet wood shelf  for our bathroom

built a bedframe also out of pallet wood

started making recycled denim bags

went on a beautiful boat ride

explored parts of Amsterdam I've never been

crashed a birthday party full of lawyers

got rejected by all the jobs I applied for

took photos of my friends

updated my blogs

accidentally knocked over my boyfriend's motorcycle

rearranged furniture

stayed up way too late

consistently worked out

found inspiration again...

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(via 9GAG - Just keep moving forward...)

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"If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?" "When a wave comes, go deep." "I think I'm going to need an explanation for that one." "There's three things you can do when life sends a wave at you. You can run from it, but then it's going to catch up and knock you down. You can also fall back on your ego and try to stand your ground, but then it's still going to clobber you. Or you can use it as an opportunity to go deep, and transform yourself to match the circumstances. And that's how you get through the wave."

HONY

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You know you're in a rut when you start talking to your furniture.

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I'm stuck in a rut, a funk, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it. It sucks. This blog is about getting myself out.

I can't promise everything will be all that well written or thought out. But the point is to do something and stop sitting in this metaphorical ditch.

There will be inspirational quotes, articles, lists of things I'm doing well, lists of things I am not doing well, and other things that might help or not help.

I'll try my best to bring some humor into it and not sound too depressing.

This will not be a rant/venting journal. I actually want to figure it out. Maybe you do too.

Here we go.