#in case someone wanted to use the link for future memes

[louis-memes]

[tinytalkingtina]

Fancy Falling Into You Here

Written for the August @steddiemicrofic prompt, using the word "plug" and 437 words.

437 words | Rating T | Ao3 link

On their first date, Steve and Eddie come to realize they had first met under much more embarrassing circumstances.

Tags: EMT Steve, Coffee shop owner/clumsy Eddie, first date, minor injuries (nothing described in detail), modern AU, embarrassment, BBC's Sherlock haunting all of us when plugging in our phones

Inspired by @dreamwatch for making me think of steddifying this post! Author's notes under the cut

"G-d damn BBC Sherlock," Eddie grumbled as he fumbled plugging his phone into its charging cable for a third time. "Stupid Benedict Cumberbatch and his weird attractive cheekbones." 

A snort from the couch reminded him he actually had company, oops.

Eddie gave his date a grin. "Sorry, I'd love to say that I'm normally as graceful as a swan or something, but as you've seen, unfortunately abject clumsiness is par for the course. It's a miracle my coffee shop's still standing."

It was fine. He could still salvage this and come off as less of a disgruntled sad wet cat man to Smooth Hottie with Glasses and That ButtTM of daily matcha latte with oat milk order fame. Still, Hottie (who went by "Steve", apparently) didn't really seem turned off by Eddie's whole deal. He just laughed.

"Oh, trust me, I've seen much worse. My first year as an EMT, we got a call to a college dorm. This unlucky dude fell off the top bunk and somehow broke both legs and an arm.”

Eddie froze, his quest to charge his phone completely forgotten.

“Plus the guy managed to down the shade on the way too, honestly it was an impressive amount of damage from a 4 foot drop," Steve continued on, oblivious. “One of the funniest calls me and my partner have gotten, and we once had to take care of someone who accidentally fell on a Buzz Lightyear toy and somehow got it stuck up their—you okay man?"

"I panicked and thought the cord would hold my weight." Eddie hid his face in his hands.

"Oh shit. You're 'broke all his bones man'?”

This was a nightmare. "Oh my G-d, I was so woozy. Please tell me I didn’t say anything weird.”

“You asked if I could ‘kiss your booboos better.’ Guess you’ve grown out your hair since?”

"I had to buzz it all off that semester because I had an Incident with some gum," Eddie groaned. "You can go now, I won't hold it against you."

He heard Steve slide closer. "And what makes you think your whole 'Bambi on ice' thing isn't working for me?"

Eddie cracked open an eye. "You sure about that?"

"Pretty sure," he said with a wink. "Plus, if you meet my friend Robin, she's known me since high school. Which means she unfortunately has photos of my braces years. You’re gonna have to stick around long enough to see em."

Eddie stared. Smooth Hottie still wanted him somehow? "Okay Big Boy, looks like I will." 

Steve smiled back. “Good. Now, lean back, I owe you a few kisses.”

Authors notes:

In case you weren't on Tumblr in the early-mid 2010's and remain blissfully unaware of BBC's Sherlock, please watch this clip to understand why Eddie is cursing Benedict Cumberbatch when he fails to plug in his phone fully sober

Eddie, Jeff, and Chrissy run a little coffee shop (complete with monthly open mic/karaoke nights) that EMTs Steve and Robin frequent. Not to worry, Robin will eventually meet her future wife Vickie at the shop after Vickie wins her heart with a rendition of "Before He Cheats."

Originally I had injured Eddie ask Steve about his biblically accurate angel form, but since I decided that Eddie's accident took place around 2010, and the angel meme only took off in 2020, I rewrote the line to be about kissing his booboos. Let's pretend this happens after a separate accident befalls Eddie (he'll be fine): Eddie: Ouch, I was out of it after they gave me the painkillers. I think I called you an angel? Steve: Yeah, you asked if my biblically accurate form had eyes as pretty as my human ones.

[queersatanic]

@QueerSatanic end-of-year legal defense fundraiser

FINAL UPDATE: Thanks everyone for making this a success, and the donors who came together on New Year's Eve to reach our final goal

$5,025/5000 (1/1/23)

[Links]

Since the trans pride satanic antifascism flag goal was met, all donors who gave $100 or more will have that as an option as well as the red and black satanic antifascism flag in anarcho-communist ("AnCom") colors; all who gave $200 or more will be able to get both.

For that and those who gave smaller amounts but want their stickers, please make sure we have a postal address for you: stickers@queersatanic.com

We hope you'll continue to donate in return for stickers, patches, and flags as we can make them available while The Satanic Temple's SLAPP suit against us stretches into another calendar.

(If we have any flags left over, we'll see about making them available to other donors in the future, but we're not doing a very big batch at present.)

Previous post:

The Satanic Temple may have missed another deadline in their ongoing lawsuit against us, but they still made us spend quite a lot of money dealing with another round of their bullshit.

That means more fundraising, and more slap stickers (SLAPP stickers?) for everyone who wants to support us.

[Links]

We also just got someone who has committed to matching all our donations up to the first $500.

Update: Capital Area Satanists are now also matching all donations up thru the first $500, so we are at $2 (two dollars) matching for every $1 (one dollar) donated.

Update: A third supporter is now also matching all donations up thru the first $500, so we are at $3 (two dollars) matching for every $1 (one dollar) donated.

Update: A comrade at Facebook meme page Anarkitty matching all donations between $2,001 and $2,500!

Update: And a pair of Baptists.

Please help us maintain our ability to defend ourselves from a frivolous lawsuit by an abusive religious/business organization that has lasted for more than two and a half years.

In case that image is not clear, we're looking to raise at least $500 to roll out five more glossy sticker designs, 2x2" in size

How many you personally get mailed to you is dependent on how much you donate

=In return for donation (from within the USA)=

$5 = 5 stickers ($1 per sticker- 1 of each design)

$10 = 10 stickers ($1 per - 2 each)

$25 = 40 stickers ($0.62 per - 8 each)

$50 = 100 stickers ($0.50 per - 20 each)

$100 = 400 stickers ($0.25 per - 80 each)

(If you live outside of the USA, it's going to get a bit more complicated because we need to do more than break even; it's still possible, but maybe DM us about it if you want to do more than just donate?)

=Ways to donate=

PayPal @QueerSatanic: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/queersatanic

CashApp $QueerSatanic: https://cash.app/$QueerSatanic

GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/legal-fund-for-victims-of-satanic-temple1

You can use stickers@queersatanic.com to send addresses to us + proof of donation like a screenshot; but basically, just make sure you find some way to get your mail address to us.

For other merch and designs, check our Redbubble store:

The margins on this aren't great, but we don't have any extra labor to do, and if you're outside the USA, this may be the easiest way to physically get something in your hands.

[goofballproximitysurveyor]

I drew this, please stop reposting it without credit!

a sort of indulgent rant :P

[original post as proof]

Since the wider internet is talking about plagiarism I think it's a good time to start talking about art theft/uncredited reposting/etc. as well and I'm particularly going to talk about my experience with it.

Before I say anything else I want to say please don't harass people who may not have a good grasp on internet etiquette! (and please assume that is the case unless someone has intentionally plagiarized/stolen people's work and credited it as their own) That is not what I'm asking you to do and for future reference if someone was excessively rude to you in calling out that you reposted my things I did not endorse that behavior. I do encourage calling out when you see people reposting art and linking back to the original work but I do not encourage harassment. On a similar note, this isn't meant to make anyone feel bad or guilty for not having a good grasp on this particular thing. This is just me explaining how it makes me feel and hopefully get people to understand why it's so hurtful so they don't do it in the future, and maybe they get to me explaining it nicely before other people explain it not-so-nicely LOL.

Some reasons why I personally don't like it when people repost my art even if this particular post is a shitpost and not something I put a whole lot of effort into:

(This list is definitely independent/fanartist-centric, I'm not really claiming this to be anything but that.)

Images get edited and distorted as the meme chain goes on, I have seen this end up with artists feeling like their art that they put a lot of effort into like all that work was a joke. Which, evidently is pretty disrespectful

In a personal anecdote, I have seen people say really rude things about me and the Blazblue community on Tumblr while reposting my things (art and otherwise) on twitter and other social media sites. It's really hurtful that people will disrespect me and my friends while using the bits and pieces they like.

Additionally, not everyone on the internet is familiar with common English-speaking internet terminology and etiquette. What may seem like a compliment or neutral statement for you may be rude to them. Generally speaking, a lot of Japanese artists take great offense to their work being reposted in any way whatsoever. ESPECIALLY if you didn't ask beforehand. People have privated or deleted works or entire accounts over this.

It takes away attention from the artist, and this isn't just people complaining about their art not getting enough likes/reblogs online. I have had my commissions open for months with next to no attention toward it and have periodically given up on promoting, with that in mind I grow more bitter about the fact that my only work that regularly gets attention isn't even representative of my current work but also isn't even attached to my name.

There are a lot more reasons, but it really is just a matter of respecting people who make the content you like and crediting people who make things you like.

If you see art that might be fanart and want to find the original source so you can either share it in a server, ask the artist permission to use it somewhere else, or sort of vigilante credit it for somewhere else, here's some places you can easily reverse search for images or find the artist who drew them (hint: if a work has been deleted it's good practice to still credit the artist)

SauceNAO - especially good for fanart since it's a curation of popular Japanese and western image sharing sites. Works best with full images. Found my art on pixiv and deviantART.

Google Image Search - Unreliable, may work with popular artwork but will probably struggle to find it otherwise, very rarely found my artwork. But probably your better bet for heavily cropped images at least to find the full image and then plug it in sauceNAO

But even then the best practice is if you don't know the source don't repost it until you've found it, and always reblog/retweet/what have you from the original artist before considering reposting it on your own account. Be strict and insistent on asking if people know the source of art they are reposting especially in discord servers and online spaces where it's commonly done.

[irepostedthistweet]

On this blog, I repost the same very popular Tweets dozens of other users have also reposted. My goal is to exclusively embed those Tweets, which automatically adds the accessibility feature that is alt text + a link to the original (with few exceptions in which I write the alt text myself, if I feel like a Tweet is notable enough but has apparently been deleted.)

By doing this, I would like to make those popular posts and memes accessible to more people. I would also like to show to more people that Tweet embeds are an option, to hopefully encourage them to use them in the future.

As a reminder, in order to embed a Tweet, all you have to do is paste its link onto your post.

You can easily copy the link of Tweets on either desktop or the app. (The placement can sometimes change on mobile from update to update, but the option should always be accessible via one of the buttons around your Tweet.)

Then open your fresh tumblr post and paste the link.

(Link to my post with only this Tweet, in case you like it and want to reblog it.)

If you're sourcing your own brand new Tweet to share to tumblr for any reason, this is arguably quicker and easier to do than taking a screenshot and re-uploading it to tumblr. Please consider this option whenever possible - it's very convenient.

In my case, since my goal is to repost Tweets that are already popular on tumblr, I use Twitter's search function, which works very well (contrary to tumblr's).

If you already have a screenshot with the person's username, unless they deleted their account or changed their username, you're certain to find the original. Of course, this is only needed if you're looking for a Tweet to repost, and you won't need to do this if you just happen into a new Tweet you want to share to tumblr.

I encourage anyone to use this instead of screenshots whenever possible, because it's more convenient than having to type the alt text yourself! Even if you don't usually provide alt text, there's no reason not to let it be automatically written for you when it can be. Plus, it leaves a link to the original Tweet, which I feel like makes it more respectful to the user who wrote the funny joke.

Alt text is an accessibility feature that mostly benefits people who use screen-readers because they, for one reason or another, can't read the words on their screen. Especially when the image is the right size - so the "alt" button doesn't come in the way - as it is automatically generated by pasting the Twitter link, there's no harm in having it there whatsoever. All it does is include more people.

Accessibility isn't a one-size-fits-all. Some users may benefit more from Image descriptions that are written in the body of the post. However, alt text is a commonly accepted and convenient accessibility feature. On top of that, accessibility for the disabled can oftentimes wind up benefiting everyone - for example, being able to click the "alt" button allows people to see the contents of the image even if they have a poor connection and the image won't load. Having a text description of any image also makes it easier to find in the future, even with tumblr's terrible search function.

I hope this post can encourage more people to include alt text and/or image descriptions more often. Even if you don't have time to include alt text all the time, you should take advantage of these embeds, which do it for you. A funny Tweet repost is the type of post to become very popular, so it's sure to land on someone's feed who wishes they could know what it says but can't when it's just an undescribed image.

(PS: as of currently, there is a slight issue in that the contents of described images included in the Tweet, or Tweets being quoted, aren't copied. Now that you know about the Twitter embed option, consider contacting support in one way or another to let them know you'd like these contents to be added to Twitter embeds. It's a really great option for simple text Tweets, and it could easily include even more Tweets. I know you just found out about it, so if you just want to use the function for those text Tweets for now, it's okay - please just consider it!)

[blushstarot]

🌸 About me 🌸

Hii, you can call me Blush or Jude, I'm 23. I recently started doing very basic readings, and wanted to practice more so I started doing some silly readings for fun, but I'm open to doing more serious ones. English is not my first language (yeah, yeah I know the I apologize for bad my english meme) so if there's something in my reading that doesn't make much sense feel free to tell me so I can explain myself better, I want people to be able to understand me. That being said, my first language is Spanish, so feel free to send me asks in either one, I'll respond in that language.

🌸 About my blog🌸

I would like this to be a safe space both for me and to anyone who finds my blog, so I will not tolerate any rude or disrespectful comments to me or anyone else. This blog is just to have fun, and not meant to be taken 100% seriously.

Sometimes I put notes and important thing to take into account at the start of my readings (usually at the start of the post, sometimes before the keep reading section), I would really appreciate if you could take the time to read it, as well as the notes I put at the end of each pile.

Any and all asks and submissions are welcomed, it doesn't matter if they are tarot related or not.

Also, since I'm an adult, I'm not really interested in making friends with minors (but I'll still interact in a friendly manner). At the moment I would consider my blog kind of family friendly, so I don't mind minors following me or interacting with my content, this might change if I post something not minor-friendly (unlikely, but still).

🌸 Credits 🌸

I get all the pictures I use for the readings from pinterest, if by any chance someone knows the original artist don't hesitate to send an ask or reply to the reading's post to let me know so I can credit them.

If you are the artist of any of the pictures I used and want me to take it down you can also send me an ask, reply to the reading's post or send me a dm and I'll get to work on removing it from the post as soon as I can! Sometimes we don't want our art to be used by other people and that's okay.

You can find all the credits for the pictures I use on the links section of this post, or just search the tag blush'scredits on my blog!

🌸 Tags 🌸

I use tags in my posts to keep things as organized as I can, you can search this tags in my blog or click on them directly to check more content like this.

#blush'starot (for everything tarot related)

#pac

#future pac

#a message

#favorite character

#your life in

#monthly reading

#blush'sask (for everything ask related)

#anon

#username*

#___ anon*

#pac ideas

#personal

#ñ (para cosas escritas en español)

#THE genshin impact PAC (my pride and joy, but also my suffering)

#blush'scredits (self explanatory)

*This ones are for people to search for their own asks in case tumblr doesn't send a notification that I already answered. You can change "username" for your own, or if you send it in anon, fill the blank with an emoji or word (you can tell me wich one you want, or if you send two asks and didn't specify, I'll asign one to you, however you can request to change it.)

🌸 Links 🌸

If any link doesn't work, let me know so I can fix it.

Main blog (blushvhs)

pfp & header credits

Master list

PAC image's credits

I'll update this post as necessary.

[unravelingthepages]

Tweet Cute- Good/Bad/Average?

Hi! Tweet Cute by Emma Lord was a book that I read and enjoyed, but one I didn’t love. So to answer the question, I’ll say it was good, but not my favorite.

There were cute moments, and funny moments but honestly the book could have been so much better.

The Plot

Meet Pepper, swim team captain, chronic overachiever, and all-around perfectionist. Her family may be falling apart, but their massive fast-food chain is booming― mainly thanks to Pepper, who is barely managing to juggle real life while secretly running Big League Burger’s massive Twitter account.

Enter Jack, class clown and constant thorn in Pepper’s side. When he isn’t trying to duck out of his obscenely popular twin’s shadow, he’s busy working in his family’s deli. His relationship with the business that holds his future might be love/hate, but when Big League Burger steals his grandma’s iconic grilled cheese recipe, he’ll do whatever it takes to take them down, one tweet at a time.

All’s fair in love and cheese― that is, until Pepper and Jack’s spat turns into a viral Twitter war. Little do they know, while they’re publicly duking it out with snarky memes and retweet battles, they’re also falling for each other in real life ― on an anonymous chat app Jack built.

As their relationship deepens and their online shenanigans escalate- people on the internet are shipping them??– their battle gets more and more personal, until even these two rivals can’t ignore they were destined for the most unexpected, awkward, all-the-feels romance that neither of them expected.

Why you should read it

Pepper and Jack’s relationship. They have funny and cute moments and it’s sweet. It’s YA and about teenagers and it’s just great.

Pepper’s sister. Honestly, I get her character very well and I’m so happy she decided not to follow their mother like Pepper. I get her resentment and honestly I get Pepper’s viewpoint too of being caught up in- between them. She was relatable and I loved that.

The way Pepper stress-cooks and Jack enjoys coding. They both have their loves/ passions and I genuinely just enjoyed that. And I got Jack’s hopelessness and resentment of things just being decided on for him because he’s the “reliable twin”. I felt like he should have gotten more apologies and understanding but oh well.

What made me not that sold on it

I mean, why the entire sub-plot with Pepper’s mother and Jack’s dad? It was frankly not it. There could have been bad blood sure, but stealing someone’s recipe is just plain illegal for one (if you have a patent which I’m assuming was there) and two, so so morally wrong (and a personal ick). It didn’t go well with the story nor did it contribute much to it.

The falling in love or talking to each other through three platforms? It’s a bit much and although would have made a great storyline, didn’t make sense. There’s no way they could have stayed anonymous to each other for so long with all the near saves. Maybe I would have loved the triple storyline if it was done differently?

Lastly, I really wasn’t too sold on the entire family life of Pepper and Jack. I felt like the story ended abruptly and I wanted more angst or regret from the parents I don’t know something? (note- it’s not an abusive situation in both cases.)

All-in-all, it seems like while there are a few good points in the story, it very much wasn’t for me. Maybe you’ll end up enjoying it more? Let me know what you thought if you’ve read Tweet Cute!

If you’re planning on purchasing this read, please consider using the following amazon affiliate link to purchase it. It would be at no extra cost to you and would really help me out, thank you!

purchase this read: https://amzn.to/3IpkZZW

bringing a book with me everywhere I go for comfort and to ensure that I can avoid social interaction at all times <3

[otomelavenderhaze]

My honest, but with no big spoilers plot-wise, review about Tears of Themis.

If you wanna get a general idea about how this game works, I think it’s fair to point out that one reminds me of very loosly of My Candy Love given the screentime we get with each character, it also reminds me of Ikemen for the tight plot and engaging story with a complex but still pretty straightfoward and it reminds me Queen's Choice in the composition of the app and with certain mechanics, as well, the possible only platonic type of relationship that you can get with the four male leads. 

However and even so, Tears ot Themis is still pretty much it’s own thing with the Sherlock Holmes-like approach to the cases, it’s own world building with it’s own rules and pretty advanced technological set up and hits of retro/vintage elements here and there, with a very much anime styled storywise and artwise scenarios but a really tight and engaging plot.

So I don’t think it’s fair to draw any further comphrasions and instead let’s talk about my game experience with this one so far: 

The game give us multiple ways of engaging with story/plot. 

You have the main episodes to play, with criminal or civil cases to solve and win over. 

Then in a different section, each male character has it’s own lockable side route, where you can know them better and get the spend some time with them after raising some affinity AND each card from the Gacha that you evolve and level up can have it's own little story that costs nothing and most of them feels like a date. I have played some of it and it's really really cute.

Now I think this game will approach romance in a more platonic way. The romance in the first four episodes and for what I saw so far, is very light, platonic and soft. I’m not sure if we will ever evolve to a full-relationship type of dynamic with the male leads. 

However, I wouldn’t rule it out for the future just yet, since it feels like an otome. 

We get some truly cute moments with MC that clearly has a lot of chemistry with all four of the male leads. They all have their own dynamic with her, different kind of relationships and levels of intimacy. Every moment we get to share with them feels different and they all are interesting, mysterious and charming around her. 

They’re also all very linked to the plot in different ways, like Artem is also an attorney, meanwhile, Luke is a detective, and so go on and on - they all have their own weight to the plot, but it doesn’t feel unbalanced at all. I had a very pleasant surprise dealing with them in those different scenarios, because I never felt bored or annoyed by any of them in any shape or form. 

The art of the game is gorgeous. 

The backgrounds, the side characters, the main characters, the cgs!! Everything is so beautiful all the time that it can catch your attention really easily. The animation is also really well done, it doesn’t look weird even tho, looks very cartoony sometimes. 

Some cgs don't have animations, most of the special ones do and when they do, they're pretty and cool. It’s totally something that you can stare and simp for hours kkkkkk I didn't dislike any of the ones I got, not even with the characters that I feel less connected with.

As a beta tester I can't really talk much about the cap in the points we get to play the game - because they gave us so much energy to test the most we could.

However, I can see how the energy points system will put certain cap on us, because you will need energy points for EVERYTHING - aside from somethings that you won’t, like the card’s stories. I pushed my limits somedays and I can see how this can push someone to actually spend money on the game to get through the story. 

But I can’t point out if it’s gonna be super unfair or not yet, because, like I said, they almost give us infinity supply for the energy points, so I went through everything I had without thinking too much and I did almost run out of spare things to use, indeed, but I was commiting some mistakes and I just being full-on about it.  

As a Gacha Game it’s what it is. I also can’t speak much about my experience with it, because they give a lot of things to us and I did spend everything I would got in game to get cards. I wasn’t really trying to get any that I really wanted, so I can’t speak about the frustration of not getting them - I got a lot of cool ones, but they did supply us with a lot of points to exchange for cards, so. 

The system to level up the CG is the complex part. You can upgrate a card in way too many ways. However, I have played through the fourth episode and I didn’t find any block with the ones I had leveled up (I had 3/4 RS leveled up on their main level and I played without any worry at all). 

I'm not going in dept about what each episode is about here, however, I need to point out that each case is pretty straightforward but really fun with a twist to play. 

MC is an attorney, but she also acts like an investigator in a very Sherlock Holmes way, picking apart small things and piece together, with us the players, what happened. And to make it even funnier, we get to play a little bit of Ace Attorney in this game kkkkkkkk it has a really obvious inspo on that one and it's a really cool addition. Any one that at least are familiar with the memes can pick apart which parts have a nod to Ace Attorney.

That being said, every case doesn't really feel like a challenge per say. You won't fail the whole episode if you commit mistakes on the trials. The game is more about the journey than really create a challenge for us and I can see it as something good. Maybe some of you will hate it, but I was fine with how it was.

I wanna see which direction Mihoyo will take it story-wise (I’m actually really curious) since they're doing a such good job with Genshin's and Hokai's story. They both have really well tied up stories, with a dark twist and full of symbologies that gives clues to a bigger picture.  

It feels like the cases of every episode for the main story are key for the major plot BUT not quite what the major plot is going to be, there’s for sure something bigger going on and I’m very interested to know what exactly it is.

Overall my experience with this game was really good. 

I loved Artem and Marius, I’m totally taken by their personalities and by how handsome they are kkkkkk Luke is also super cute and handsome, he was a very pleasant surprise. Vyn is an interesting character, very morally grey and kinda shady but really trustworthy too kkkkkk which was a fun mix - but I would say he’s my less favorite. 

I wasn’t expecting enjoy the story so much, but I did. I wasn’t expecting just how cute and charming the male leads are, Marius and Luke in special really surprised me and hooked me in. I was pretty sold on Artem alone, but now I’m there for them all. I wanna learn more about them and play more with their stories in the future. 

[captainkirbypunch]

My love has left tumblr once again.

As many of you may know, the account under the name MDZADR, has left tumblr. They felt unsafe in their fandom, and as such have deleted their tumblr and AO3 account due to the bad memories linked to them.

As a part of their departure, they have asked me to post something in their name, as follows.

If you want more details about how I came to this realization, continue to read. If not, here is your summary:

TL;DR: For the safety and health of this fandom, I wanted to spread the word that Mooping-10 is filled with people who absolutely cannot be trusted, creating a very hazardous environment for the zadr community, and MelodyoftheVoid is connected to all of those people, living a double life amongst those of us that don’t “ship zadr correctly.” She has plenty of friends her inner circle knows nothing about, and nobody on either side knows who she really is. 

Full story below.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. Nobody did anything to me today, but this just wasn’t worth it.

My AO3 and tumblr are both gone. I didn’t say goodbye because I didn’t want to look like an attention seeker.

Here’s the thing. I wasn’t going to name drop, but you guys need to know the truth. I’m instructing my boyfriend (hi y’all) to turn asks off for his own safety after this because this is going to be a nightmare, but... allow me to tell you the full story. I’ll try to break up the text so it’s less difficult to read, but this is important. I’m sorry to air discourse so publicly, but please... I need you to listen to me.

I’ll start from the beginning, without being vague anymore about who “she” is. I request that you please read the whole thing and not skip parts of it. The whole story matters.

I finally returned to the fandom about two months or so ago. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t do well in my thoughts while left alone too long, so I posted saying I would stop messaging people I knew because I didn’t want to bother them. There were only two people I was talking to at the time, but one of them is famous so I didn’t want to message her directly saying that. Doing so would have put her in a position of feeling obligated to say “you’re not bothering me” rather than just simply being able to sigh with relief from no longer being contacted. 

But the first person to contact me was the famous person, and she asked if I was okay, and told me she liked talking to me.

God, I actually cried.

But, that’s just her. Melodyofthevoid is the type of person to talk to people in the fandom, totally unaware of her demigod status. She comments on stories, interacts on posts, messages first... a pillar of kindness, so it seemed.

But let the story continue.

Over time, we were talking more often. 

Mostly sending memes (cause everyone I knew, myself included, aren’t exactly great at holding conversations. No shade. Memes are a love language). I was still in the hero worship stage of our relationship, so my view of her was that that was perfect.

Now, let me bridge a connection with a new story idea I got around December 28th or so, and my thinking she was perfect.

I had recently finished watching Madoka and questioned “If I had magical powers, what would they be?” It then turned into its own story idea, basing creators’ powers around the strengths and weaknesses in creations. I actually realized “oh fuck. My stuff is incoherent. My friends’ works aren’t too different...”

Thus spawned the name “Incoherent” for the project.

What does that have to do with this? Well, here’s the thing that really fucked everything up quickly. 

This was not on purpose, because originally the project (which I had told nobody of yet at the time) was all about improving your works, making platonic friends, dressing our personas in cute outfits, and writing fun magic.

While listening to music and thinking of the story one day, my brain accidentally shipped my persona with hers, and I couldn’t unsee it. And I’m lousy at keeping my own secrets (other’s are different) so she found out on probably day one or two about my weird crush because of an ask meme of all things. 

She didn’t try to put me off any, which was another problem for future things to come, and so I decided that since Incoherent was finally making me feel alive again and feeling the euphoric feelings of love wouldn’t hurt anything (I figured they’d mellow out on their own eventually because that’s how infatuation works) since they helped fuel my inspiration, and then we would just continue from friends to better friends one day and this part of our lives would be over.

Besides, the forbidden is attractive somehow, and makes stories more entertaining. She’s aro/ace, so I had no chance anyway. Someone safe to crush on, in her own way.

This isn’t a story of a love betrayal however. There was no such thing. But it’s important to the story because Incoherent is where my mistakes were made, and hers brought to light.

By this time, I had a handful of people I was talking to, and I created a discord server for the project. Only my boyfriend (hi!) and I were in it at the time. I was not-so-subtly asking my friends what they’d look like if they were a magical person, what their names would be... I thought I would have had to lure Melody in to make her want to join us, but I managed to get her in very easily. Everyone was happy and excited! It was a no obligation, no time limit thing for us to enjoy, a little sandbox to play around in. 

Sure there were plans to make it bigger and I was working on art to the best of my ability, but it was gonna be a fun thing mostly. No pressure on anyone.

And how things started becoming a problem was that the rest of us posted publicly about the project and interacted with each other’s posts relating to the story, but she had started to interact publicly less and less with our things, and everyone noticed it.

It wasn’t because we were greedy and wanted the popular girl to reblog our things. It’s because we had a feeling she was ashamed of being seen publicly with us. The reason we were worried before then and started making that connection was because I mentioned I was going to ask another user if they were interested in joining Incoherent. Melody was the only one that seemed uncomfortable, and I messaged her asking about it. We agreed I wouldn’t invite that person but I knew things were off about it.

That person is like me. How long until Melody didn’t want to talk to me anymore? A few days ago, the other shoe finally dropped. A member of our little group and I were talking and (let’s call them Friend for simplicity. They asked to not be name dropped here) Friend was worried they had made Melody upset by tagging her in a meme picture they drew of her persona, and the two had agreed that Friend remove the tag. This spawned an anxiety-filled conversation where Friend and I expressed our concerns about Melody not interacting with the project, or us.

So since I wanted reassurance that that wasn’t the case, I messaged Melody with my concerns. I told her I had the feeling she was ashamed of being seen in public with us because of her friends, and she didn’t refute me. She simply told me to go get some rest. I messaged back with “I’m right.”

I deleted Discord off my phone for hours and nearly deleted my Tumblr, AO3, and the server after my boyfriend helped pass messages between us. Melody confessed that was the case because her friends expressed discomfort with my works, and she was playing both sides.

Her words, not mine.

Melody told me she would be withdrawing from the Incoherent project because it wasn’t fair to us if her heart wasn’t in it.

She didn’t stand up on my behalf when they said things about me. Her friends are the type who talk behind creators’ backs for shipping zadr “incorrectly.” Worse than antis because they actually participate in the “pro-shipping” side of the fandom. I broke that day and messaged her at 3 am.

We finally spoke at 3pm. We both missed each other. I tried to understand more. I wanted it to be more like a conversation rather than an interrogation. It was only one-sided however, and she never opened up further. And I made some mistakes and poor choices of words, and we ended up parting ways permanently right there. 

I nearly deleted everything, but much like a coma patient attached to many machines on a hospital bed, my blog was kept alive a little longer by people sending kind words in droves. I was briefly fuelled by spite, wishing to watch the world burn by making everyone on the "correct" side of the fandom upset by posting the worst, most vile content this fandom has ever seen.

I was also welcomed with open arms by a very kind server with fellow degenerates, all of them screaming and crying and partying when they managed to get me in their server. It was so heartwarming...

But as I spoke to others about my situation, I realized something. A disturbing pattern.

People telling me horror stories about how Mooping-10 was cult-like. How the people running it were antis. I was even told once that they have a secondary server where they go to have their talks and do their work, likely the place where the real bashing is held.

The server itself has rules against such behavior, but I suppose it's different when they do it.

One person (and this is the most unnerving part for me, personally) told me Melody actually set off alarm bells in their head without having even done anything yet, and the most disturbing part of the story was that one of the moderators was afraid and upset because they got Covid, and received basically no moral support at all. Only getting told "spoiler that. Sorry you got Covid".

I was horrified. That server has 100 people in it. How many of them are the same? They act like popular kids in school who picked up an unpopular main character and then bash others, and the main character joined in because they don't want to be left behind by their new "friends".

To put it short, back to my point:

TL;DR: I simply only wanted to spread the word that: Mooping-10 is filled with people who absolutely cannot be trusted, creating a very hazardous environment for the zadr community, and Melodyofthevoid is connected to all of those people, living a double life amongst those of us that don't "ship zadr correctly". She has plenty of friends her inner circle knows nothing about, and nobody on either side knows who she really is.

[libermachinae]

For the directors cut meme, I would love to hear anything at all about chapter 5 of We Forget the Names Not Written Down. (That preface by Rewind, btw, has stuck with me so much, gosh.)

Thank youuu ;u; I was really hoping someone would ask about that one. Under the cut because *spoilers*. (here's a link to the fic in case anyone hasn't checked it out yet)

Okay, so, to start with, the name: "Preface" is the last chapter of the fic, as a final nod to the fact that the fic really doesn't conform to a linear sense of time. Even the chapter itself is spread across different time periods: the dedication was a collaboration between Rewind and Prowl, the Forward was written by Prowl after Rewind's death, the Preface was written while Chromedome was still alive, and the chapter as a whole is being read at some point in the future, after The Complete History has been published. My purpose there was to pull the audience into the story: there is no present but that of the person reading it. Each section represents a crystalized version of who its author/s was/were when they wrote it, and then these disparate moments link up to form a single cohesive text.

The other reason I put "Preface" at the end of the fic is because it is an end, for both Rewind and Prowl. For Rewind, it's the last chance he has to "write" (and I'll go more into that in a bit) and say exactly what he's thinking. It's the last opportunity he has with his own voice, and he uses it to say goodbye to the world and wish it well with a future he won't get to see. And for Prowl, it's the last step he takes before sending the manuscript, anonymously, to the publisher. They're his last words, too, before he disappears to the unnamed planet mentioned in the fic's summary. "Preface" is a series of goodbyes.

The other structural thing I would want to mention in this chapter is authorship. The definition of an author is a theme that I was exploring throughout the fic, and chapter 5 is where Rewind has a chance to address it head on by talking about the assistance he's receiving from Chromedome.

Now I’m a writer, and even that’s in only the barest sense of the word. I can get most of the important words down, but I need Chromedome to connect the dots for me.

The idea that Rewind is the author of The Complete History is never brought into question, because I personally think it's more interesting to consider how this then affects our definition of authorship. Delta's Malady has started to degrade his ability to generate and interpret language. It's not necessarily deleting words, but it's becoming more effort than it's worth for Rewind to come up with every single one. Before Chromedome's work, I imagine these two sentences read more like this:

Writer barely. I important words, Chromedome connect.

It's possible to understand Rewind's intention, but there is a lot of space that needs to be filled to make it read correctly. If someone other than Chromedome (like, for example, Prowl) were to take a stab at interpreting it, they might come up with the following:

I barely write. I generate important words, and Chromedome makes the connections.

By changing "writer" to a verb, the focus of the first sentence shifts from being about Rewind's identity and onto a task he struggles to perform. The latter instance could also be interpreted as Rewind simply not writing often, rather than his ability to do so being poor. The focus is further shifted from Rewind's perspective by going from "the important words," which imply personal stakes, to "important words," which is a more general sense.

The point I'm trying to make with all this is that even if all Chromedome is doing is connecting the dots, it still matters a lot and affects how Rewind's final goodbye will be read. Even if Chromedome knows Rewind better than anyone else, the fact that he participates this way at all impacts the way readers interact with the text. Rewind is still considered the author, but authorship doesn't guarantee that he intended everything exactly as it was written.

Which, to be fair, is true for everyone. I'm constantly using words that don't quite fit but are close enough to replace the ones I want but can't remember. Reading itself is an interpretive act; it's impossible to write something that will be interpreted the same way by everyone. But I'm getting super off track now oops :P

Within the Preface itself, I knew I had to talk about Functionist Cybertron (or, as Rewind calls it, Cybertron) because the fic would have been incomplete without it. Not only is Rewind dying because of it, but it's his creation as much as the manuscript is: just as complicated, but still important. He feels a sense of responsibility to it, the same way he feels a responsibility to finish The Complete History, so it can be passed down to future generations. Another ending represented in "Preface": the transition of one generation of Cybertronians to the next. The two Cybertronians cited in chapter 2 were an MTO and a spark forged within Trypticon, neither of who were present for the start of the war. The galaxy is trying to heal from the effects of the Great War, and that means moving on from the people who helped start it (even if only tangentially, as in Rewind's case).

After spending a few paragraphs talking about that Cybertron, though, Rewind intentionally switches back to talking about his Cybertron and the war he was part of. As with the text as a whole, it's a final act of rebellion, Rewind fighting for control over his narrative even as it's drawing to a close. The important note here is that it's out of a sense of responsibility, not of pride.

It is not a proud story. I don’t think anyone walked away from it without some amount of shame, despair, or rage. But it is ours, for as long as there are Cybertronians left to remember it.

Rewind is trying to take ownership of something he has little claim to, because someone has to and he's in a position to do so. It's this same reasoning that Prowl struggles to articulate in his letter to Bumblebee in chapter 4. Both of them see something that must be done and decide that they're going to do it.

And the thing is, they do it poorly.

Rewind can't write on his own. His databanks are being corrupted by Delta's Malady (in chapter 1, Prowl concludes the corruption is so widespread Rewind is no longer capable of making meaningful contributions to the text) and he struggles even to find the way to his memories, if they still exist at all. And Prowl is a terrible editor. There is only one section that he writes without any prior input from Chromedome, and he struggles so much that he ends up reusing Chromedome's wording anyway, to the detriment of the text. Neither is in an ideal position to perform the task they set out to do, but they choose to do it anyway. Because someone needs to.

The last paragraph was kind of where I figured out what I wanted this fic to be and how I was going to get it there.

Because that’s all any of us end up becoming: the words and the stories we leave behind. I spent my whole life trying to capture as many as possible, even as I watched so many fall through the cracks. So, a final dedication: to those who exist in echoes. Though we forget the names not written down, they form the spaces between every word, every letter. It was their collective story that I aimed to tell, and if I’m left with any regret, it’s that I still failed to catch them all.

To be completely, entirely transparent: in regards to the title, I was trying to pull a "Without Love." It starts off by saying that we lose the things we don't intentionally record, and then finally Rewind reveals that actually, they've been there all along. Prowl's name only appears once in the fic, as the last word of chapter 4, where I meant to imply that it had been deleted before he sent his letter to Bumblebee (not sure if that idea actually got across). Prowl's is the name not written down, but he's everywhere in the fic, constantly influencing both the text and the story of its creation. Though I still consider Rewind the sole author of The Complete History, in the context of the story, he and Prowl are partners, working to create something that will outlast them both.

[kareofbears]

plainly in truth, chapter 2/5

“Without you around, it’s sorta like stuff is just kinda…bleh.“

—

Or: hiding, confiding, and misguiding.

read on ao3 or below the cut :)

Yusuke wasn’t too sure if what he was doing was of the right mind, but his heart is definitely in the right place.

There’s a lapse in time between Jails and hitting the road. Everyone is out soaking in the last of Sendai; Ryuji and Akira (and by extension, Sophia) are on a quest to buy any last minute supplies that they might need while the girls and Morgana are taking in the sights that they didn’t quite manage to explore as much as they’d like.

Well, the girls who like crowds and sightseeing are on a quest, at least.

Futaba and Yusuke are in the trailer by their own volition—he didn’t need to see anything else that wasn’t a timeless statue, and he learned early in his life that if you pace your spendings, you can then use that money to spend in the future. Quite the contrary, Futaba has had a little too much excitement these past few days and is more than happy to hide away in her top bunk with only her laptop charger peeking out from the bottom of her fleece blanket.

(A cartoon rendition of the Sendai temple is printed onto the fleece. Apparently Haru had yet to see Futaba purchase anything ‘tourist-y’ and action figures of various anime characters don’t seem to count.)

He tugs on her laptop cord. “Hello.”

“...What?” she grunts, voice slightly muffled. Through the thin fabric, he can see the illumination from her screen.

“I need help reacting to something.”

“And you decided to ask me?” she deadpans. “The literal shut-in?”

“The previous shut-in,” he corrects. “You haven’t been a shut-in in nearly a year. A marvelous feat, if I do say so myself.”

“Yeah, and this is my way of celebrating.” The lump on the bed seems to curl further in on itself. “Begone. Do a painting or something. This is my me time. The equivalent of guzzling down a boat load of Arginade. There’s barely any time to be by myself considering the whole group is treating this RV like a pimped out party bus, so shoo.”

J-pop starts playing from inside the blanket fort, and even Yusuke knows a dismissal when he hears one. That won’t stop him, though.

He tugs again, harder. “That is the reason I’m asking you now. I can’t have this be heard by prying ears.”

Had there been a cat on the bunk bed, its ears would have twitched. “Is this…?”

“Yes,” he nods sagely. “It’s a secret.”

Futaba’s head pops out, eyes wide and nearly glowing in excitement. If there was one thing that she liked more than recovering her energy, it's uncovering every nook and cranny of people’s lives, whether they want it or not.

“Inari, you should’ve said something!” She throws the blanket off herself, snatches her laptop in her arms and jumps down. Slamming it down on the booth, she throws herself on top of the smooth faux leather. “Tell me everything. The deets, the specs, all down to the last dirty drop of tea.”

He slides in to join her, albeit much slower. “Before you tell me that I misled you, I want to make it clear: I don’t know what the secret is.”

“What!” she slaps her forehead, groaning. “Yusuke, why would you do me like that? That’s false advertising to the max, and I do not appreciate you tricking me.”

“There wasn’t a trace of trickery. What I’m about to say really does have to do with a secret, but I need your help with how to deal with it.”

“I’m gonna level with you here pal,” she puts a hand on his wrist. “I’m not the right person for this, but I’d be darned if I let you walk away without telling me anything. So let’s hear it! I’m ready for some juicy goss. Oh! Can I guess? Is it about Haru?”

He frowns. “No. Is there something about Haru?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I was asking you!” she says, patting her hands rapidly on the table. “Come on, just spill the beans already.”

“There are no ‘beans’ to spill yet, and besides, that sounds like a waste of perfectly good food.” He leans back against the plush cushion. Only a pinch of guilt arises in him as he says it. “It’s about Ryuji.”

“Ooo, Skull himself. Gotta admit, I wasn’t expecting him.”

“It relieves me that you said that. I share the same sentiment—it wasn’t until I had run into him the night before when I had started to truly suspect something. And what I found was…” he trails off.

Her lips pull downwards. “That bad?”

“It was worrying, to say the least.”

She sighs. Most of the energy in her seemed to have filed out in the presence of a more serious topic. “Dang. I knew it was fishy when he left, but he’s always been able to just hash things out on his own.” Her expression changes as an idea pops into her head, and it morphs into one he recognizes. “Does—?”

“No. Akira doesn’t know, apparently.”

Futaba splutters, and he has to resist the urge to nod his head at her reaction. “He—Akira—wait, what? He doesn’t know? Oh, it must be bad bad.”

“My thoughts exactly. Initially, I had thought that whatever this was, it was manageable. Like that time he had spent his month’s allowance on a claw machine to win Makoto that light-up buchimaru.” Idly, he touches her keyboard lightly, appreciating the kaleidoscope of colors that emanate from it. “You know how I feel. We’re the Phantom Thieves; we can’t allow anyone to suffer alone, even if the one we’re helping is a Phantom Thief himself.”

Futaba raises an eyebrow. “And how do you want to help him?” she asks. “By talking to him? Let’s be real, you and I have the lowest social stat in this group. Combined, we can maybe reach the nerd student council president, and the guy who can and should handle this doesn’t even know about it!” Biting down on her lip, “Should we tell Akira?”

“Absolutely not. That was the one thing he had requested, and we cannot go against it. By extension, I don’t think we should tell anyone else.” A thought comes to him. “Wait, he mentioned that Ann knows of his situation.”

“Great! Someone who knows how to deal with people’s problems and isn’t us. What are we waiting for?” She reaches for her phone, and Yusuke proceeds to smack her hand out of the way. “Ow?”

“Don’t call her!” he hisses. “Ryuji said that she’s, and I quote, ‘part of the problem’. We can’t have her knowing that we know something.”

“Ann is?” Futaba exclaims, shoving her glasses up her nose. “This is getting too deep. We don’t even know anything yet, and it’s really starting to feel like we’re part of some conspiracy.”

“That’s right, we don’t know anything, and it is our largest road block.” Yusuke crosses his arms. “We don’t know what happened between Ryuji and Ann, or if something even occurred between Ryuji and Ann. What if they had an argument? What if they’re fighting, and it becomes irreparable between them? What if it begins affecting our Jail runs?”

“You really gave this some thought, huh?”

“But of course. I must nurture the few friends that I have managed to treasure.” He glances outside and sees the crowds clambering to see their tourist spot. “We may be different from most teenagers, but I don’t believe we’re immune to the nature of cliques or dramas or even insecurities.”

“God, what a good friend you are, it’s bugging me,” Futaba accuses. “So what the heck, Mr. Philanthropist? We’re stuck between a rock and our friend group here. This mission was doomed before you even dragged me out from my hideout,” she says, eyes drifting away to stare longingly back at her bunk bed.

“Stop making that expression. There’s a reason why I talked to you about this.” He leans forward. “What I’m asking is, to be frank, unfavorable, but I really do believe that it’s worth it to do this.”

She looks at him, and it only takes her a few seconds for realization to set in. Her jaw drops. “Oh Inari, that’s vile.”

“If you’re uncomfortable with it—”

“I didn’t say I was uncomfortable with it,” she cuts in. The grin on her face is wide; a woman in her element. “I just thought you’re the one who’d be all against this kind of thing.”

Futaba pulls her laptop towards her. “Sit back and observe the master at work.”

He watches as her fingers breeze through the keyboard, eyes inscrutable as light reflects off of her glasses. “So you can do it?”

“I’ve hacked into the Diet Building’s security cameras on a dare back when I was twelve,” she snorts. “This is Mario Kart Baby Park with the railings up.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It means—” With a flourish, she hits a key before glancing up at him, smug. “That this will be very easy. I’m thinking we can start with their text messages and work our way up to the big stuff.”

“Oh, right. You can go through our phones,” he grimaces. “You’ve stopped doing that, yes?”

“Of course I have! By the way, did you figure out what courses you wanted next term? I saw your advisor was bugging you about it, you should really email her back.”

“Yes, I’ve finally decided on sculpting as opposed to visual photography since it lets me focus on the anatomy of...” he pauses. “Wait—”

“Okay, looks like I got his text messages with Ann, so let’s all focus on this now!” she says loudly. “Scooch over, let’s go through ‘em.”

He does, and she moves to sit next to him. Yusuke peers at her screen. “Nothing out of the ordinary. There is a significant drop in the frequency of his replies, but that’s been the case for me as well.”

“Same here.” She continues scrolling up rapidly, so fast he wonders how she can keep up with herself. “Memes, memes, lots of ‘where you at’ texts, more memes…”

Something catches his eye. “Hold. Go down slightly, I think that link might be interesting.”

“‘How to treat knee pain: 11 steps with pictures’?” she reads aloud. “His knee is acting up again?”

“What’s peculiar is that I haven’t seen any sign of it.” He squints at Ryuji’s response to it—generic gratitude. “Even in Jails, he runs around without a care in the world.”

“What’s even weirder is that Ann is actually sending Ryuji wikihow links on how to treat his knee,” she snorts. “Let’s put a pin in this one and move on, Ann’s chat is chalking up to be a dead end.”

Rubbing her hands together, she straightens up like a professor in front of a lecture hall on the first day of classes. “Now Yusuke, when you’re looking to crack someone open like a tasty, moist omelette, there are two things that you must look into: their email and their bank account.”

After some clicking, Ryuji’s email pops up. “Email is obvious, since this pretty much tracks anything big. Delivery shipments, subscriptions to websites, acceptance letters. It’s all here in a neat little bow, ready for us to read.”

“‘Manga’s are 20% off for this weekend only,” he reads. “‘Anime convention next weekend’, ‘Pizza coupons’.”

“Ugh, he’s so boring! Next!” Clicking sounds through the RV, emphasizing how much they were snooping through their friend’s private life. “Bank account, show us your wisdom.”

“My word,” Yusuke gasps when the tab opens up. “That’s quite a lot of funds.”

“Inari, four thousand yen is definitely not a lot of money. How much do you have in yours?”

“I don’t have an account,” he admits. “I was on my way to the bank to open one, but I ran out of train fare. By the time I had gotten there, it was already closed. Quite rude, considering that it was only two o’clock.”

She levels him with a look. “Was it a Sunday when you did all this?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Never mind,” she shakes her head. “Okay, so nothing conclusive or even embarrassing. That means that whatever this is, he really doesn’t want anyone knowing about it.”

Futaba hops out of the booth and starts rummaging through everyone’s luggage. “That means we unlock the secret, classic, never goes out of style method of snooping—” with an expression of triumph, she showcases Ryuji’s backpack to him. “Going through their stuff IRL.”

Yusuke winces. “Don’t you think we might be going too far?”

“Hey, what’s with the cold feet? Where was your ‘justice’ from before?”

“I’m all for justice,” he watches her unzip the backpack, recoiling. “But even this seems a little excessive.”

“Look, we already went through his email, his bank account, his text messages. At this point, it’s kind of weird if we don’t find anything. Like—” she throws a pair of shorts behind her as she rummages. “What kind of teenage boy doesn’t have anything to hide? And also, it’d be kinda messed up to go through his stuff and come up empty-handed. If we didn’t find anything—” she pulls out several t-shirts and a crowbar and places them on the ground next to her. “Then we’d just be a bunch of snoops.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he reluctantly agrees. “Above all else, we need to find out what’s happened in his life to make him so upset.”

“Exactly. Oh man, wouldn’t it be crazy if we just found some porn mags or something? Retro to the max, but I can totally see him as the kind of guy to lug something like that along. Unless it’s of Akira.” She makes a face. “Ew. Funny thought is no longer funny.”

“Karma, if you will.”

“Shut it. Oh ho ho, what do we have here?”

“You found something?”

“It’s some fancy looking letter.” Futaba flops herself on the ground. She clears her throat. “'Sakamoto Ryuji. This letter is to inform you that…'” she stops all of a sudden.

“Futaba?” he probes.

“Um,” she blinks, and laughs nervously. “Um?”

He reaches over, and she doesn’t resist when it slips out of her hands. Skimming through the letter, only his eyes dare to move. When he finishes, he lets out a breath. “Oh no.”

“We shouldn't've read that,” she whispers, a perfect summation of what he was feeling. “We really should not have read that.”

—

There’s something to be said about the quayside in Sendai, in the way that it’s almost exactly like Tokyo.

Sure, the buildings here are definitely shorter—gone are the towering structures back home, and instead they’re replaced with shorter structures with cute local designs and colorful patio restaurants. The people here are different, too. Maybe it’s something to do with the water here, in how it’s cleaner and how you can actually see some fish down in the canals if you know where to look. Don’t even get him started in the air; jeez, do they infuse the oxygen here with something? He hasn’t stopped taking deep breaths ever since they got here.

But despite all of those discrepancies, the feeling of Akira’s hand in his is just like being home.

“And it’s actually really interesting,” he hears vaguely. “Because back in Leblanc, there used to be a couple issues about the temperature and stuff, but in my hometown there’s…Ryuji? Are you even listening to me?“

Akira’s telling him something. A story about Morgana? And Ryuji’s sure it’s very interesting, but he’s too focused on the way that sunlight hits his cheekbones.

“I’m listening,” he lies. “Keep going. This is just my listening face, I promise.”

“Sure, sure,” Akira agrees easily. “That’s just your listening face, rather than me and my wicked good looks, right? I totally believe you.” He wiggles his fingers. “Give.”

Ryuji offers him the caramel ice cream cone in his other hand, letting him bite into it like some kind of psychopath. “Done?” he asks, shifting the tote bag tucked into the crook of his elbow, careful not to rattle the eggs inside. Akira bravely offered to carry the groceries, but he had obviously refused.

“Mmm. That’s good stuff.”

“Right? I read about the ice cream here when I was younger, and they were really hyping it up on the ad.” He takes a lick, grinning when the taste hits his tongue. “And on a summer day like this? Unbeatable. It’s really reminding me of last summer when we hung out everyday in your room eating crap, taking naps, and playing games.” It also helped that hanging out with his crush was a daily thing, he thought.

“And I got to hangout with my crush a lot too, so that’s always a plus,” Akira adds.

Ryuji stops, and Akira turns around to give him a weird look. “What?”

“You get me,” he says in awe.

“I sure hope so,” he tugs him forward, and they continue their walk, their shoes rhythmically landing on the wood in unison. A comfortable silence takes over, but that’s no good. Ryuji wants to hear him talk.

“So imagine you get ten million yen,” he starts. “What do you do with it?”

It’s not the first time he’s asked this. They discuss it often, eagerly like the dreaming boys they both are. Akira considers it and Ryuji loves that about him. It doesn’t matter how stupid his questions are—he will always answer them with as if it were a serious question.

“For starters, Yusuke’s getting a place as soon as possible.”

“Duh,” he snorts. “Apparently, his roommate brought someone back to hook up with them. Poor guy got so traumatized he slept over at Haru’s.”

“We should be glad that he didn’t ask them for poses,” Akira laughs. “Next, I’m making sure that Sojiro has enough for retirement.”

“Obviously. Rest in peace Leblanc—you make fire coffee, but no one’s there to drink it.”

“And then I’m making sure your mom has the funds for retirement for sure.”

“I love you,” he sighs.

“I know.” Akira starts swinging their hands back and forth. “Then with the rest, I’ll buy us some new shoes for when we start training again together, and whatever’s left we can split it up with the rest of the Thieves and they can do what they want with it.”

“I bet Ann would go on a shopping spree in France,” he says.

“Haru would probably donate hers.”

“Makoto’s is going straight into university. I can see her going in to get a Masters with that kind of money.”

Ryuji refuses to let his expression fall. “That’s her. Big bookworm with a capital B.” Stop talking about this, stop talking about this. “How about you, Sophia? Any clue what you’ll do with a boatful of moolah?”

A harmonic beep rings through the air and Akira passes her over to him. “I would invest in cryptocurrency and turn ten million into one hundred million,” she says cheerfully. “Then I would take that hundred million and turn it into one billion yen.”

Ryuji coughs, sliding her into his back pocket. “You know what? That’s my bad. I should’ve expected that, honestly.”

Akira plucks the remainder of their ice cream cone from his hand and throws it in his mouth, munching. Wordlessly, he takes out a pack of wet-wipes from his pockets and hands it to Ryuji.

“Thanks.” Reluctantly dropping his hand, he thoroughly cleans through his sticky fingers. “You didn’t ask me what I was gonna do with my money.”

He nods in a go ahead way.

“After I give most of it to my mom, I was just gonna give the rest to you.” Ryuji kicks a stray pebble. It skirts off the edge of the boardwalk. There’s a tug on his arm. “Yeah?”

Akira covers his mouth with a hand, before making an incomprehensible garble of noise.

“Huh? My bad, I didn’t catch that.”

A few seconds of vigorous chewing, he swallows. “I said,” Akira says, eyes glimmering the way it does when he gets really excited. “I was going to do the exact same thing.”

“Dude!” Ryuji throws his arm around his shoulders, tugging him in close. “You understand me like no one else does. What the eff!”

“I’m glad,” he says softly. Wrapping his arm around him, Ryuji blinks at the unexpected hug. “It’s nice that we're on the same wavelength.”

Suspicion tingles across Ryuji’s skin. “Hold up.” Pulling away, he squints his eyes at him. “No.”

Akira immediately looks to the side. “What?” he says, defensive. “It’s nothing.”

“No freaking way.”

“I think I saw a cool arcade back there, it has cool prizes that I think you’d like, and—“

“Kurusu Akira,” he says sternly, grabbing his face between his hands. “Don’t tell me that you’re jealous.”

“I’m not!” he insists, pushing his glasses higher on his nose. “I’m not, you know I’m not that type of guy.”

“But?” Ryuji prompts.

“But…” he hesitates. “I’d be happy for you, if you find that it’s easier to talk to other people that aren’t me.” Akira straightens up, pulling out of Ryuji’s grasp but inspects his hand like it were something to be studied. How strange it was to see his long, elegant fingers grasp his brutish, blistered ones. “I’m relieved that I didn’t leave you alone. I just...miss being your go-to, I think.”

“Akira.” He says slowly. “My man. The love of my fucking life. You are never not gonna be my go-to. You’re my go-one.” Rapping his knuckles against Akira’s temple carefully, “Your hometown is messing with you up here, making you say weird shit like that.”

“I know, I know.” Running his index finger down his wrist, Ryuji can feel how cold he is. “You knew what you were getting into when you started dating an overthinker.”

“As a chronic underthinker, no, I did not.” He kisses Akira’s palm. “But it works out, so it’s all good.”

Turning them both around, Ryuji starts walking. “I know this is super duper impossible for a guy like you, but I’m gonna have to ask you for a favor.”

“Anything.”

“You have got, to the best of your ability,” he bumps into Akira’s shoulder. “Stop stressing out.”

He frowns. “It’s my job to stress out.”

“It’s our job to stress out,” he corrects. “You and me. Founding Thieves. We share the burden, bro. We got into this together, we’re getting out of it together. That includes you worrying about our relationship outside the ‘Verse, and extend it all the way to what dingy hometown you took the bullet train from.”

“I’ll try,” he says doubtfully. “You’re kind of enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean? No way I can enjoy the most perfect person on the planet be a little jealous over his boyfriend getting attention, what kind of asshole would I be?” And before Akira can say anything, “I know, not jealous, but I’ll take what I can get.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” he flashes a peace sign.

“I know you know.” A group of middle schoolers pass them, chattering about nothing and pointing out random things on the quay, all enjoying their summer vacation. “You know that you can tell me anything, right?” he asks suddenly.

Unable to help himself, he ruffles Akira’s hair, pitch black and hot to the touch. “You don’t have to tell me twice.”

“I don’t?”

Gray eyes look into his brown ones, earnest and trusting. Just like that, the light feeling in Ryuji’s chest vanishes. “No,” he responds slowly. “You don’t.”

“Good,” Akira nods, and sees where they were heading towards. “Oh, you took that seriously?”

“You bet your crisp ass I did,” he says, pushing the glass door open. The arcade is bright, neon, and littered with claw machines. Add that to the list of similarities from Tokyo. “I don’t fuck around with arcades. I’m in the top hundred players in the Gun Gale in Shinjuku.”

“Was that with Shinya or without?”

“Not important.” He surveys the area. “There it is. Can you grab us some change? I’ll pay you back.”

Akira waves his hand, walking towards the coin machine. “Don’t. What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I let you pay for our dates?”

“A hot one!” he yells. When he turns the corner, Ryuji collapses into a bright red racing chair. “Fuck,” he hisses, heart beating too damn fast for it to be normal. “Chill out, Sakamoto, jesus.”

It only gets worse when a familiar beep rings out. “Ryuji, your heart rate is at 160. Is everything alright?”

“Sophia!” he wheezes out, relieved. “Can you—will—” he stops, scrunching his eyes closed. “I’m having a panic attack, I think.”

“Searching for how to treat panic attacks,” she says immediately, and he sags into the cool plastic gratefully. “Deep breaths will help, slowly to the count of ten.”

His heart is beating so hard that he can barely hear the jingles and the whirrs of the machines around him. “Count out loud. Hurry, before he gets back.”

She does, and he grips the side of the chair as he focuses on breathing. The attack passes by faster than he hoped it would. “Thank god,” he breathes. “Thank you.”

“No prob,” she says, before hesitating. “Akira—”

“Will not know about this,” he cuts her off, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’ll tell him eventually, don’t worry, et cetera. I know all this. Ann’s been hounding me non-freakin’-stop. Just don’t tell him, Soph. Please.”

Before she can say anything, Akira comes back, pockets full of change and that signature small smile resting on his lips.

—

The bright side about missing out on Sapporo’s snow festival is having its tourism as its lowest point when you visit it in the summer.

Even the shopping district just outside Susikino isn’t very crowded; there’s the usual street vendors and shops with bright pastries and cute clothes. But even having it right beside the Sapporo Tower, it’s still nothing uncomfortable. At least, it’s not uncomfortable when you get to observe the environment through a phone lens.

“This is nice, isn’t it? I don’t think I’ve had much of an opportunity to talk to you yet, which is quite rude of me.”

“No prob,” Sophia replies easily. She was swaying from Haru’s neck, hanging by a silicone phone holder that she had bought from a convenience store. Futaba had guffawed when she saw it, but Sophia’s happy about the purchase. It’s fun, and it lets her people watch from the perspective of one of her friends. “I have been meaning to talk to everyone one by one as to better understand each of you.”

“Oh, good! What better use of a nice chat while doing some shopping along the way?” Haru chirps, thumbing through a rack of out-of-season clearance sweaters as they pass. “I have to admit, I’m not the best when it comes to fashion and whatnot. Most of the time, I ask Ann-chan to accompany me.”

“I can try my best! Online websites are constantly updating in order to provide their readers with the newest trends.” Idly, she takes a peek. “Wide-legged pants are back in style.”

“That’s a relief,” she sighs. “I never pulled off skinny jeans too well. Long, flowy skirts have always been my thing. It just gives off such a nice aesthetic, doesn’t it?”

Sophia smiles. “I think you’d look good in anything. Have you considered going punk? You’d look very dope and intimidating with a black streak in your hair and a leather jacket.”

“Now that I can agree with, but that’s more Mako-chan’s style, I’m afraid.” She pauses. “Actually, I bet Mako-chan would actually like that. Sometimes I feel as though she isn’t willing to branch out of her circle of clothes past a pair of Oxfords and a deep-coloured sweater. A push might be what she needs.”

She considers this. “Is it possible to buy clothes for her? That can be a possible ‘push’, quote unquote.”

“Hmm, I don’t think so. She would never let us do such a thing.”

“One moment.” Pulling out a few files from inside her memory storage, she clears her throat. “According to my data analysis, Niijima Makoto has high difficulty straying away from well-mannered behaviours. Do you think that includes saying no to gifts given to her? That can be advantageous.”

Haru stops walking and pulls the phone up so that they’re at eye-level. “Sophia-chan,” she beams. “I have a feeling we’re going to be very good friends.”

They continue walking down the street when Haru gasps suddenly. “You literally can’t shop, can you?”

“Of course I can. I can get anything in the world for you,” she says proudly. “Anything.”

“Alright, we’ll have to test that later, but I mean you can’t use what you buy,” she frowns, eyes troubled. “Your sweater is adorable, but you’re forced to wear it everyday, right? Can you even do your hair differently? Is it possible for you to pin it, or even let it down?”

Sophia finds it endearing that she would let such a thing bother her. She doesn’t even have a social insurance number, but Haru’s worried about hair clips. “No, but I quite like it the way it is. It doesn’t get in the way when I do my work, and in the Metaverse, it gets completely hidden as to let me do my fighting,” she explains, karate chopping in her screen. “But I can understand the human desire for change.”

“Would you like that?” Haru asks gently. “To change? Um, change out of your clothes, and change mentally. Either one.”

“Change mentally, of course! I’d love to understand my friends better and understand how to help them. It’s a vast mountain of knowledge, but I’d want nothing more than to decode the mystery of the human heart,” she says eagerly. “But for clothes...I’m not sure. I haven’t tried it. I’m pretty sure I can’t try it.”

“That settles it,” Haru looks both ways before crossing the street, jogging slightly.

Sophia perks up. “If you’re heading somewhere specific, I can give you directions.”

“No need.” She has an intense, hungry look on her face, not unlike the one she had when the new axe Akira bought had finally arrived at their RV. “We’re just about here.”

They stop in front of a store, and she can barely read the sign from the phone’s angle. “‘Case in Point’?”

Haru pushes the glass door open, greeting the cashier. “It’s a phone modifier shop.”

There’s no effort to explain anything else, but Sophia can confidently add ‘anticipation’ onto her growing list of experienced feelings.

—

“Out of curiosity—” Haru begins as they exit the modifier store, the cashier still bug-eyed from the tip she had left at his counter. “Can you see everything inside Akira-kun’s phone?”

“Yes,” she replies. The environment that she lives in, and more specifically, Akira’s phone, is now a bright, perfectly polished shade of rose gold with a mint outline. A far cry from the matte black that it was before. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” Her voice is sweet as sugar. “Out of curiosity once again, is there anything interesting? Anything worth noting?”

She jumps as Sophia’s voice suddenly morphs into Akira’s without warning. “Nice try,” the phone plays. “But no.”

And just as quick, Sophia comes back to the phone. “Sorry about leaving,” she says. “Akira had asked me to play that clip if someone ever, and I quote, ‘tried me.’”

Haru giggles. “Just like Akira-kun to be so thorough. Impressive as always, leader.” She peers down at her watch. “I suppose it’s about time to head back, isn’t it?”

“We still have eight minutes to spare.”

“We do. Perhaps we should take a stroll around the park?”

“Cool,” she says. “Wanna ask Futaba and Yusuke if they want to come with?”

“Sure?” Haru blinks. “That’s very specific.”

“On your two o’clock,” she points out. “In front of the book store.”

They watch as Futaba and Yusuke stand across the street from them. Futaba is aggressively pointing her finger at the books on display, then slapping her fist against her palm like she was devising a war strategy. Yusuke shakes his head wildly, comically putting his hands in his pockets and revealing that there was nothing inside. She sighs and walks away, tugging along a dejected boy behind her.

“Aren’t you going to ask them?”

“In a moment.” Haru takes them to the front of the store. “This isn’t a bookstore, I don’t think. What’s it called Sophia?”

After a quick search: “‘Sapporo’s School Supply Store’,” she says. “The alliteration makes it fun to say.”

“Indeed it does.” Peering into the store, Haru makes an introspective noise. “Now isn’t this interesting?” she hums. “Do you mind if I make one more purchase?”

“Not at all,” Sophia says, thrilled to add another point she had learned: If Haru wants something, there’s nothing that will get in her way.

—

“So,” Makoto starts, and Ryuji has to hold back a groan. He knows that tone. He’s memorized that tone. All the second years can feel her tone from a mile away. Hell, Ann probably took an instinctive step back just now. “Have you started to think about university?”

“Nope,” he says, wiping the sweat off his brow as they jog around the corner of Odori park. Back before he had left for his hometown, Akira and Ryuji would be up at dawn to train. Lately though, he’s been using any free time he has that isn’t planning for, prepping for, or actively doing a Jail run to sleep in the RV. And hey, he has no beef with Makoto, and it’s not like she can’t keep up with his training (she can most definitely kick his ass in hand-to hand), but she has a tendency to push when it comes to this sort of stuff. “Not a single thought towards it. It’s been pretty good, actually.”

“I can tell,” she agrees. “It’s almost like you blocked my number.”

“I did not!”

“So you actively choose not to answer any of my texts?”

“Ugh, don’t set me up like that,” he winces. “You know I’m stupid enough to fall for shit like that everytime.”

“Hold on.”

Ryuji grunts as he feels a hold on his shirt, forcing him to stop. “Ew, don’t touch my back, it’s Nigeria there.”

“First of all, it’s Niagara.” She spins him around. He’s only a little taller than her, but something about her always seems to tower over him. “Second, do you know why I keep pushing all of you to go to university?”

“Because you hate us?” he mumbles.

Makoto glares at him. “Try again.”

“...Because you don’t hate us?”

“Because I don’t hate you,” she repeats. “You’re all rowdy and wild and sometimes I don’t understand the jokes you make—”

“You’re just mad ‘cause you fell for a deez nuts joke.”

“But I do, inexplicably, love all of you,” she pushes on, and that shuts him up. “I know what you’re all capable of. Amazing things! I understand you all believe that I’m the be-all end-all, and I appreciate your compliments, but there are some things that only Ann can do, or Akira, or Yusuke.”

Makoto continues running, and he reluctantly follows suit. “And you. You can achieve things that I can’t even dream of, Ryuji.”

He resists the urge to yawn. “Thanks for the pep talk, Niijima.” Looking left, the gelato is looking real good. “Wanna get something to eat? I’m starving.”

“You aren’t very good at hiding secrets, Ryuji.”

Now that grabbed his attention. “Whoa, whoa, whoa there, prez!” Speeding past her, he holds out a hand to make her stop. “What do you mean by that?”

She raises a brow. “Nothing in particular, but your reaction is showing me that I should have meant something by it.”

He gnaws on the inside of his cheek roughly. “Okay, but why did that come into your brain? Why do you think I have some kinda secret?”

“I live with a prosecutor everyday of my life, of course I know when something’s afoot.” Pushing her hair back, she squints up at him. “You’ve been more...jumpy lately, yet somehow more laid-back than usual. I wanted to talk to Akira about this—”

Blood pours into his mouth when he accidentally bites too hard. “You talked to Akira?!” he half yells, red dribbling from the corner of his lips.

“Oh my god!”

“Fuck,” he clamps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry. Bit too hard.”

“N-no! Don’t apologize!” she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a napkin, pulling him to a stone ledge. “Sit and take this so you don’t bleed all over yourself. I’ll be back.”

He doesn’t bother speaking, only nods as she turns around. When she comes back, she’s holding a water bottle. “Here.”

Taking it gratefully, he takes deep gulps before spitting it out. “Why the hell does this taste like the beach?” he splutters.

“I didn’t say to drink it! It’s salt water to get rid of infections!”

“Why would you do that to me?!”

“Because I thought you knew to do that from the second-year health class!” she shoots back. “Gargle it and spit. Near the gutter, mind you, it’s rude to spit in front of kids. They might get the wrong idea.”

As if kids are gonna see him and think that there’s something worth remembering. He sips, sloshing it around his mouth before gently letting it dribble into the grated sewer. “Blegh.”

“You’re welcome. Keep at it. And while you’re doing that,” she sits next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “Do you want to tell me what’s been making you anxious?”

He pauses. “Anxious?”

Makoto gives him a stern look. “‘Experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.’ It was covered in your midterm.”

“Ah, right,” he mutters. Gripping the fabric of his shirt, his heart is beating too quick for it to be normal. Then again, when was the last time it wasn't? “You think I’m anxious?”

“I’m not sure. Keep gurgling,” Makoto chides.

He does, the salt water still red whenever he spat, and she continues. “All I know is when my anxiety gets really bad, I chew on my lip. Sae used to chide me when we were younger, but you know, she got busy,” she shrugs, as if he didn’t know how much it pained her to lose her only family member to a career of protecting the wrong people. “When I mentioned it to Akira, he took it upon himself to check up on me regularly during exam weeks.”

To prove her point, she takes her lower lip and flips it out for him to see—white teeth marks, but old scars instead of anything fresh. Letting go, her expression is smug. “He hasn’t felt the need to check in for a while now.”

Spitting, water finally running clear, he grins. “Good for you. I’m glad to hear that, dude.”

“Thank you, but that wasn’t the point. My point was that I was only able to get better because I told someone about it. Someone I trusted.” Makoto turns to him, her gaze serious. “I know that’s what Akira is to you. Habits like these are harmless at first, but they can turn into something else more dangerous. I won’t stand for that. My own justice won’t stand for that.”

Ryuji opens his mouth, before closing it. I’ll tell Akira, he wants to say. How many times does he have to repeat that line before he starts believing it himself? “Okay,” he says, because it’s the only thing he can say without hating himself even more.

“Okay.” She pats his knee before standing. “I can get us some gelato.” She stretches, wincing as her joints crack into place. “If you’re feeling up to it, start your cool down. Unless you wanna keep training?”

“I’m good. Felt enough blood rush for the day.”

She goes to the ice cream stand, and he stares up at the blue sky.

Makoto’s right, because of fucking course she is. She’s right, he knows she’s right. But she doesn’t get it. To her, Akira’s a friend. A guy who helped her out and changed her life, yeah. If he hadn’t met her when she did, maybe she would’ve become a scummy adult who didn’t look up from market pricing and hedge funds.

But Ryuji? Ryuji would be dead without Akira. That’s a fact and a half.

To Makoto, Akira’s a friend. To Ryuji, he’s Akira, and you can’t be on a higher pedestal in his mind than that.

—

It was Yusuke who took the first step.

“Ann,” he greets cordially. “How do you do?”

She gives him a weird look. “Kinda trying to focus here,” she says, gesturing at the scene in front of them. They, Morgana, and Sophia were in the B team as they watched the rest of them try and get rid of the remaining Shadows in Mariko’s Jail, tersely attentive and waiting on Joker’s word in case they needed a last minute switch. The Jail was environmentally brutal; the ice underneath the soles of their shoes makes them skid more often than they’d like. It almost makes the fights seem quicker, one notch faster than usual.

Yusuke pays her dismissal no mind. “I, myself, am learning many new things lately. Can the same be said about you?”

In the corner of his eye, Futaba pauses typing on her laptop to face palm.

“Are you...” Ann says after a brief pause. “Is this a threat? Are you threatening me?”

“No—”

“Panther!” Akira’s clear voice rings out.

Ann dashes forward without question, high-fiving Morgana as they trade spots.

Futaba marches forward, glaring at Yusuke like he was crazy. “You dolt!” she hisses. “What was that supposed to be? I said be slick and cool, not act like a fool!”

“While I admire the rhyme scheme, I don’t understand what you want from me. That was as ‘slick and cool’ as I’m capable of,” he furrows his brow. “I even opened with a question that seemed as though the conversation would be a normal one, but then used that to transition into what I actually wanted to discuss.”

“Stop looking so proud of yourself and—”

“Fox!”

“Back in a moment,” he says before he’s gone, Makoto taking his place, leather uniform still smoldering from when she took a fire move head-on.

“What was that about?” Haru asks, swinging her axe like a picnic basket.

“Nothing, Noir,” Futaba sighs, plopping back into place where Ann had stood. Carmen had kindly left a warm patch of concrete in her wake. “Just Inari became a big ole’ dumb-dumb.”

“I see,” she hums. “So this has nothing to do with what you two have been conspiring about lately?”

Her eyes shot wide open. “Con...conspiring?” she stutters out. “What do you mean by—”

A particularly loud scream rips into the air, and everyone turns their heads to see Captain Kidd slam his hook into the ground, purple arms erupting from the snow and wiping out a huge chunk of Shadows all in one go.

“Hot damn,” Futaba says, directing her focus back to her laptop and making sure Ryuji has enough health to keep going.

“He’s strong,” Haru observes, all playfulness gone.

“Too strong.” After Futaba gives everyone on the main team a good amount of health, something on her screen makes her pause. “Huh…?”

“Noir.”

Haru turns around to see Makoto waiting for her. “I need to discuss something with you.”

“Of course,” she steps closer to her and drops her voice. “Is everything alright?”

“I’d bring this up with Joker, but I don’t want to bother him if I’m not sure if there’s anything wrong yet,” Makoto pushes her mask up. “But have you noticed Skull's been acting strange lately?”

“Mona!”

He swaps with Ann, her pigtails covered in snow. “Ugh,” she grimaces as she shakes it out. “I could try and melt it, but it’ll just drip down my back and freeze later on, and I do not want that.”

“Panther, I’d like your input as well, if you don’t mind,” Makoto says.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I was just talking to Noir about this, but did you notice anything strange about the way Skull’s acting lately?”

Ann takes a step back. “Well, what—No—I mean, that’s your opinion, I think!” she exclaims. “To me, Skull's acting is completely normal. He’s normal—actually, scratch that, he’s better than usual. Nothing about him is wrong, I think, and that’s pretty outstanding and impressive once you consider that he’s the one with the life-long injury. Not that that has to do with anything!” Ann yells. “I just wanted to point out how far he’s come, and how much he’s kicking ass right now. Actually,” her voice shifts to a stage whisper. “Don’t mention this because I don’t wanna cause drama, but Fox has been a little weird.”

“Weird how?” Makoto whispers back, looking extremely lost.

“Just earlier, he asked me how I was.”

“...I’m not following.”

“No, Panther-chan has a point,” Haru breaks in. “I can’t say for certain, but I have a strong feeling that Fox and—” she points at Futaba conspicuously. “Are up to something.”

“Sophie and Fox?” Ann breathes.

“Panther!”

“Damn, again? That’s what we get for going into an ice Jail,” she grumbles, swapping with Yusuke.

Haru sighs. “Panther-chan isn’t the best with context clues, is she?”

“Hello ladies,” Yusuke greets. “What were we discussing?”

Makoto gives him a suspicious look. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

His jaw drops, bewildered, but before he can say anything, Futaba waves him over. “Get your fox butt over here!”

“I...Alright,” he says, resigned.

“Look at them,” Makoto nods at the pair. “I think you’re onto something.”

“I think so too, but I don’t want to be too hasty. After all, the two of them are such good friends now; it would be unfair to assume negative outcomes without evidence, or at least confront them first,” Haru says nonchalantly.

She understands immediately. “You have evidence?”

“Something of the sort.”

“Noir!”

“Duty calls,” she gives her a thumbs up, before Ann comes back once again.

“I can’t wait for us to go to a really hot place again,” she kicks the snow with her heels. “Then I’ll be comfortably in the B team because all the Shadows have fire resistance to the max.”

“Oh good, she’s back,” Yusuke’s expression is one of relief.

“Fox—” Futaba warns without looking up from her laptop.

“Come here. There is something we would like to discuss with you.” Whether or not it was intentional, he rests his hand on the handle of his katana.

“Okay but before we start, I just wanna ask—what are you doing with Sophie?” Ann accuses. “It’s fine to be friends with her, but you have to be careful. She’s really susceptible to what we say right now, and if you try anything funny—”

“What are you even saying?” he says, offended. “I barely even talk to her!”

They all glance at Sophia, who had been standing perfectly still and silent. She gives them a wave. They all awkwardly wave back.

Makoto places a hand on Ann’s shoulder. “Panther, Noir meant Fox and Oracle.” Ann flushes red as she continues. “And while we’re all here, I wanted to bring this up with you as well. Have you all noticed something strange with Skull?” Futaba stops typing. “I’m not sure how to explain it, but I think he’s extremely anxious about something. You all know that I’m an overthinker, so I might have the wrong idea but…” she trails off.

Futaba glances at Yusuke. Yusuke glances at Ann. Ann helplessly glances at Ryuji, still fighting alongside Akira and the others.

“I know nobody asked me,” they all jump a foot in the air when Sophia speaks beside them. “But I can at least confirm for suresies that there is something strange with Skull.”

“Which is…?” Makoto prods.

“I don’t know the specifics.” Ann, Yusuke, and Futaba let out a breath. “But he did have a panic attack recently.”

“I knew it!” Makoto snaps her fingers. “He’s had signs of being anxious, but I wasn’t too sure about it.”

“Queen!”

She runs out, and Ryuji comes in, looking exhausted but pleased. “Hey y’all, what were we talking about?”

It was dead silent before Sophia steps forward. “Look what I can do!” she exclaims, changing the expression on her screen to be an emoji with a flower.

“Whoa!” His eyes bug out, and they all sigh in relief. “That’s awesome! Can you do more?”

“That’s super cool Sophie, but,” Futaba looks at Ryuji, skeptical. “Don’t you feel weak right now? Your health is way down.”

“Oh, I didn’t even notice,” he rubs the back of his neck. “Sophie, you mind?”

“Not at all.” She calls for Pithos and green sparkles fall on him. “Better?”

“Thanks, I owe you one.”

“Skull!”

“When the king calls, his knight answers,” he salutes, sprinting out as Makoto comes back in.

“So,” she glares at the rest of them. “What do the rest of you know?”

Ann groans. “Even if I did know something, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

“Wait,” Futaba points an accusing finger at her. “What do you know?”

“What do I know? What do you know? And for that matter, what does he,” Ann points at Yusuke. “Know? Noir said you guys are doing secret stuff together!”

“That’s preposterous,” he scoffs. “If it was secret, she wouldn’t have known.”

“That’s the dumbest argument I’ve ever heard.”

“How is it dumb?” he asks. “You can’t possibly think that just because Futaba and I are doing ‘secret stuff’ that it has anything to do with Skull’s situation!”

There was a pause. “Are those two connected?” Sophia asks. Futaba buries her face in her hands.

“That was...not the question I expected,” Yusuke answers weakly.

“Sophie!”

“God, I wish Joker would call for Inari instead,” Futaba groans.

Rushing out, Sophia high-fives Ryuji on the way. “Guess who’s back, motherfuckers?”

In an effort to bury their conversation, they all begin cheering overenthusiastically, Yusuke clapping politely. Bewildered, Ryuji instinctively gives them a thumbs up. “Thanks guys. Usually, my jokes don’t really land, but that made me real happy.”

“Uh, Skull,” Futaba raises an eyebrow. “How do you keep losing health? I didn’t even notice you taking a hit.”

“I’m low again? Damn, I didn’t even notice,” he groans loudly. “Queen, can you—”

“I’m on it.”

Just as Johanna heals him, Akira calls out once again: “Skull!”

“Joker really does rely on you, doesn’t he?” Yusuke observes.

Ryuji laughs. If they didn’t know any better, they would think it sounded a little nervous. “Well, gotta jet!”

High-fiving Makoto, he runs out. She stares at the remaining members of the B team. “You all know something,” she accuses. “And I understand if you’re all being loyal to him by keeping what you know close to your hearts. But remember this:” she takes a step forward, and they all take an unconscious step back, Futaba scooting from where she sat on the ground. “There comes a point where it’s actually more important to keep a person safe and healthy than to uphold a potentially dangerous secret.”

They all digest her words for a second, and flinch when a flash of blue flame appears, taking Akira’s Persona away.

“Finally.” He stretches his shoulders, satisfied. “That took awhile. Good work everyone, let’s keep going.”

Making their trek deeper into the Jail, Futaba half-jogs, half-speed walks to Ryuji. “Your health again,” she chides. “Seriously. I know I like to play around, but I always have my eye on you guys when you’re fighting. I literally have not seen you take a hit, but you’re getting drained like milk in a sink.”

He shrugs, unperturbed. “Whatever. You see my hits today, though? They were tough.”

“Yeah,” she agrees reluctantly. “But your health is still low. I’ll call Joker about that.”

Before she can turn, he grabs her wrist. “Nope,” he says. “I’ll ask Panther. Thanks though!”

Ryuji goes to Ann, and he can feel everyone’s eyes on him, watching him, surveying his every move.

All eyes except for the one that really matters.

[itsmeizumine]

COMMS ARE OPEN!

[ID: a 6 panels presentation explaining how OP’s commissions are going to pan out. First panel has scripts divided in two columns. The first column says “Hello, fellows! It’s me, Izumine, and right now I’m taking digital art commissions! I really need to buy new PC and I would be extremely glad if you spread word of this commissions for me. Thank you so much!”. The second column says that payment is to happen via Nubank Pix system and OP’s other social medias’ handle; “itsmeizumine” on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and YouTube. From the second panel onward, OP’s gonna showcase the types of commission they are willing to take.]

[ID: Second panel is titled “Silly Doodles”. There are three drawings on the panel, all of them very simple and cartoonish. The first drawing is of a kid reenacting “Will Smith Showing Off His Wife” meme, with a speech bubble that says “Bitch, I love and appreciate you” stylized to add comedic effect. The second is of someone grimacing, with “OUCH...” written behind them. The third drawing is of a surprised person, with a speech bubble that says “*GASP* what- NO WAY!!”. There’s a script at the bottom right that says “Silly doodles are fun to draw and use, specially as stickers! They are the quickest to make, and cost 5 USD*.”. The asteristiks are going to be addressed on the 6th panel.]

[ID: Third panel is titled “My Style” and has a column of script right under it that says “I don’t face much trouble with either headshots or full body, but I don’t dig rendering a lot, so my price table is this: a) SKETCH: 10 USD. b) FLAT COLORS: 15 USD**. c) RENDERED: 20 USD**.”. By the side of this column, there are three versions of the portrait of a boy, showing the different finalizations the price table announced going from the simplest (option a) to the most difficult (option c), left-right. At the bottom left of the panel, there’s a script in parentheses that says “This is good to make portraits of loved ones!”.]

[ID: Forth panel is titled “Mimicking”. Under the title, a column of script says “I can imitate your favorite show’ style on a drawing of your OC! I’m particularly good at: BNHA, SvtFoE, The Loud House and Adventure Time. But I can give a shot to any other ones!”. There are four drawings of original characters to the left of the column, each into the styles of the shows OP mentioned. A serious girl using Yuuei’s uniform and sneakers; a boy dressed as a prince from other dimension dancing with a girl in a poncho blouse and pleated skirt, both seemingly in love with each other; a kid wearing a vest, a long-sleeved blouse, pants and boots, expectantly looking to the forth wall; and a fire monk in their casual garb, content; respectfully. In the midst of the drawings there’s a box that says the price is 15 USD**.]

[ID: Fifth panel is titled “Landscapes”. There are two big drawings. The one at the left shows a empty main avenue prepared to start a community fair. The day is sunny and there are little flags and lace tinsels hanging from building to building as there are flower garlands and wreaths decorating the shopfronts. The floor is made up from packed dirt and cobblestone and there has a kiss booth and a roasted chicken stand at the edge of the street. The drawing on the right is the WIP of a staffroom from a mechanic workshop. There are two different levels at the same room. In the lowest there’s a small kitchenette with lights hanging from a support beam made out of steel and a sofa with a remote control atop of it. In the highest, the ground has the same metal texture of a bus’ floor; there’s a ladder, four tires piled together with plants around them and a shelving unit attached to the entryway. There’s a box that says the price for the art pieces is 25 USD**.]

[ID: Sixth panel is titled "Yes, can do/ No, can't do". The text that follows right after is divided in two columns, each column under one segment of the title. The column under the first segment lists Lettering, NSFW art (though, OP says it's debatable) and Mecha/Armor as things they can also do. The column under the last segment lists Gore (OP clarifying that they can work with blood, but nothing more explicit than that), Hate Material and Animals (and by extension, Furries) as things they can't do. Under these columns there's a box that explains the asterisks. It says "Single asterisk: In case USD is not your currency, we'll follow the procedure of converting the values using it as reference. Double asterisks: This is a minimum price. Might be upped depending on the complexity of your commission, but don't worry! We'll discuss it before settling on anything. And! We'll only start negotiations if you read and agree with my Terms of Service, so that's that as well.". This is all there is to the last panel, and with that the presentation ends.]

(TERMS OF SERVICE BELOW, READ IT ATTENTIVELY)

if DM me about any commission you're interested to do i'll assume you've read everything and are 100% okay with it, so don't even try if you're aren't. this is not up to debate.

.

there's stuff worthy of taking notice before asking a commission from me:

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i need my commissioner to be somewhat available for communication. i'm gonna share my process with you and i need your feedback during it to go on. any sort of adjustment gotta happen there, as i'm not returning to the finished piece to retouch it on any way or form nor do i allow anyone to make any changes to my artwork.

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i'm not delivering the finished piece until you fully pay me. no debate on that. and i reserve the right to cancel and refund any commissions at any time for any reason.

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unless you oppose to it during the process, there's a chance that i might use the commissioned artwork on my social medias as a way to promote me and my services. if that bothers you or makes you uncomfortable, you gotta tell me.

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you retain all rights over the intellectual property of the commissioned piece and i assure you i won't make any claims over it, but the artwork is mine nonetheless. it's for personal use ONLY until stated otherwise, and you CANNOT profit from it or use it commercially unless we discuss it beforehand.

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i won't make you NSFW art if you're under age, for obvious reasons. any minors asking for commissions of any other kind need have permission from their legal guardian, unless they have their own bank account.

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if you want to eventually print the artwork, please state this before we get started on the commission. my default set-up is made for small files that are going to pixelate once you size them up to make, say, a poster. it's going to reflect badly on the end result of my work and i can make it right from the start if only you warn me first.

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and i won't lower the price of any commissions below where they are now. the prices are as accessible as they can be. i'll work hard on each and every piece ever commissioned and and i need money like any other person too, respect me and my work.

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i’d like thank anyone commissioning, reblogging or sharing the link of this post with possible future commissioners right now. hopefully i’ll be able to buy a new computer and make even better art to share with you guys soon!!

[hasquetzorkukudoneanythingwrong]

Interview

BB: welcome back everyone! So good to see you all here today! We're back for a 3rd time here on BB Channel! Like before we're joined by the lil cuties of Ed and Mari. But this time their parents have come to join!

Rex: hello...

Quetz: Hola!

BB: that wasn't a very strong greeting Rex!

Rex: I'm tired right now. Can't this wait?

BB: time waits for no one and neither does BB!

Mari: already this is super annoying! *sigh* so why'd you decide to bring them into this anyways?

BB: the people who follow this blog need to see how they're doing so long after Chaldea too! You two have had the spotlight for a while, so now you should share.

Ed: I mean... guess that's fair.

Mari: should anyone be dealing with this?

Rex: I'd rather not be here either.

BB: aaaww, don't be like that! This will be fun!

Quetz: that's a very hard sell BB.

BB: just humor me at least.

Rex: ...fine

Quetz: what are we even doing anyways?

BB: some of your interdimensional buds have sent in questions about how you guys are doing, and I'm here to get those answers for them!

Quetz: that actually sounds nice...

BB: what'd I tell ya!?

Rex: yeah yeah, pls get started.

BB: fine. First few are from my precious bombardier beetle! First one she asks: do you have any pets?

Mari: oof! Do we!

Rex: currently we have four dogs: 1 German Shepherd named King, a Pitbull named Sparks, a Dogo Argentino named Duke, and a Corgi named Marshmallow.

Quetz: but also we have a habit of adopting older dogs who aren't likely to get a home because of their age or rescues to give them a nice place to stay.

BB: aaawww, well ain't that wholesome?

Mari: we also have mom's bigass pterosaur!

BB: less wholesome. Next one from my dear yellowjacket: favorite foods?

Rex: PIZZA!

Mari: CAKE!

BB: whoa! Pump the brakes you two! No need to get too excited!

Quetz: ...honestly? I don't really have a favorite food. Just a bunch I like to eat and some I don't. If I had to choose, I'd say chocolate.

Ed: I'm a steak man myself.

BB: 2 sweets, and 2 savories. Next up! Who wakes up earliest?

Rex: Quetz

Ed and Mari: Mom

Quetz: ...I guess it's me... hehehe.

BB: honestly I'm not surprised. She's so damn athletic and even used to be a professional.

BB: next! Where do you all like to go for vacations and such?

Ed: mom and dad have a vacation home in Alaska.

BB: Alaska?! Why?

Mari: when warm weather is the norm for you it's nice to go to the cold to change things up.

Rex: yeah, it's actually very nice. Not too many people and beautiful nature sights.

BB: well to each their own. Another from my dear antlion: how long does it take to pick a movie or TV show to watch?

Quetz: hehehe, we're all so indecisive it takes ages to pick. It's not uncommon for us to give up after taking so long.

BB: you should work on that. This next one's interesting. My precious army ant also suggests a round of common household jobs and the like from each member.

Rex: hmmm

BB: she gave an example of like, who does the cooking?

Quetz: well it's both me and mi amor in that case. The kids aren't very creative.

Ed: hey! We're plenty creative!

Mari: no we're not, don't lie.

Rex: we only really ask that the kids clean their rooms and any messes they make. We handle most everything else.

BB: they should really show some independence tho. Can't coddle them forever.

BB: in the next one, Cadence asks about a house tour and if there's a jacuzzi.

Quetz: a house tour feels like it should be it's own thing.

Rex: yeah, but we do have a jacuzzi dude, so don't worry.

BB: next one's from Reen: she asks what would life be if you weren't in chaldea,

Rex: y'mean like now? I mean... it's a relatively normalish domestic life? With less work tho.

Quetz: si, I've made plenty from my lucha career before retirement we don't have to worry about money much. But mi amof still makes money just in case.

BB: well after that she asks: how was your life before and after meeting each other?

Rex: ...kinda sad. Aside from chaldea and saving the world, I was kinda just... stagnant. Go to work, go home and so on. Not much to my life before then.

Quetz: ...honestly, for me it was the same. After the age of Gods ended we didn't do much of anything. We mostly watched over humanity, I've been summoned in modern day before but that was rare and infrequent.

Rex: ...after I met Quetz tho... I dunno things felt... better? She kinda forced her way into my life after I summoned her and... I was more then ok to accept her... before long we had something beautiful...

Quetz: aww, mi amor! I'm so happy to hear that!

BB: ain't that sweet? Like me and my dear centipede. Final one from Reen: if you could build a dream home then where? (Can be in fantasy)

Rex: I mean... where we are now is good.

Mari: yeah, right at the border of a huge rainforest in the Yucatan sounds fine.

Ed: but what about the fantasy bit?

Quetz: hmmm... we don't really look at fantasy much. But maybe a castle of some kind?

Rex: or a Mayan temple? But with electricity and Wi-Fi.

BB: that's fair. Need those memes in your life. Now some from Kaz! First she asks: what kind of gifts do you give each other?

Rex: uuhh, well I like getting mi corazon custom things. Like some personal clothes, or even a portrait of the two of us.

Quetz: ehehehe, I like to spoil mi amor with extravagant things! Golden treasure and the like!

Mari: concerning...

BB: next, how would you spend the day if it's raining outside?

Rex: I actually enjoy rainy weather, so I like to chill near a window or even on the porch listening to the rain.

Mari: it's very soothing.

BB: how quaint. Last one from Kaz: whose good at cooking and baking?

Quetz: hehehe, that'd be me. Tho it might be considered cheating since I use my goddess power to help.

Mari: well no one else is the greatest normally so it's fine.

BB: a good 'ol better then nothing kinda attitude! Now we're back to Cadence but with more relaxed questions: what's the current house look like?

Rex: ....big.

Mari: like three stories tall with a DEEP basement.

Ed: like... 5 rooms too many.

Quetz: we also have an indoor pool.

Rex: the outside looks almost gothic, but partially taken over by nature.

BB: all this near a rainforest?

Quetz: si! Despite the size, all the nearby trees still tower over it.

BB: nature can get scary. I've seen worse and have been worse but still. Another one: how do family events function? Any specific holidays?

Quetz: ...most family events are just us... going somewhere nice to eat nice food...

Rex: do they mean bringing extended family? My family lives too far to visit often

Quetz: ...and I'd rather not speak of mine... things have gotten rocky as of late.

Mari: right, well for holidays we celebrate most standard one, like Easter and valentine's and such. For October we kinda try to combine Halloween and Day of the dead.

Ed: but Christmas is the most important for us! Mom and Dad always make the biggest celebrations for Christmas!

BB: gotta love the holidays! Especially when your mom is santa... still weird to say that. Next one! Any plans for the future?

Rex: eh... not really? I mean I want to prepare Maria to continue the family magecraft, since Ed has no interest.

Mari: someone has to continue on this lost practice.

BB: good to know it won't be lost to time like we thought. Next one! Daily life?

Rex: I wake up, eat, work on magecraft, spend family time, spend time with Quetz, go to bed.

Quetz: I wake up, workout, eat, workout, spend time with mi familia, lovely time with mi amor and then I sleep.

Ed: I wake up, take a walk, eat, practice soccer, spend family time, sleep.

Mari: sleep, sleep again, dragged to breakfast by mom, eat, eat again, mess with magecraft, eat, sit with everyone else, scroll thru my phone for hours, sleep.

Quetz: *sigh* mija, you need to change your priorities.

Mari: mmmmm... No.

BB: bad habits there Mari. Next they'd like to know if your in contact with anyone from chaldea? Other then me!

Rex: here's a real quick list: Marie, Mash, Kiara, Penth, Astraea, Martha, Ishtar, Gorgon, Jalter, The twins, your kids BB, etc etc.

Quetz: too many to list...

BB: nice you haven't lost contact! Next! About that Wedding?

Rex: well... it was eventful to say the least. Not long after completing the china LB. Most of the servants were invited, and most of Quetz's family showed up.

Quetz: si, Martha officiated it for us. Most of my family were so nice at the time... too bad that hasn't lasted.

Rex: let's not mention that...

BB: it was such a nice wedding! You two were so "nervous" you had trouble with your vows! How adorable!

Mari: why the quotes?

BB: no reason... now we're at the home stretch! Good 'ol Ash has some for stuff that technically hasn't happened yet, but you should still be able to answer! What responsibilities will Rex take on when he joins the pantheon?

Quetz: ...well he'll be largely a guardian of life on earth. Authority over things like the jungle itself, volcanos, and even snow... for some reason.

Rex: well it still snows in mexico... occasionally.

Quetz: and we'll be sharing authority over Venus! I wanted to share it with mi amor!

BB: cute! Hmmm, not sure if you cananswer this one just yet? Adjusting to God hood?

Rex: well I got to try it out a bit. Summoning lava and snow is... interesting. But also... my mind felt... odd... but also clearer? Not sure how to put it...

BB: I'm sure when you get there you'll get it... took me a bit after servant fest. And how did the other divinities react?

BB: actually I have some recordings of that to answer, so play the clip!

A screen appears showing recordings of some servants, one at a time.

Ishtar: eh! She's turning you into a god!? ...I guess you've earned it master...

Eresh: what!? Can you do that?! ...guess I won't see you in Kur... then again I don't think you have any link to Kur anyways.

Kama: do you really think your cut out for it? I mean... if it's just for you two to be together then I guess it's fine.

Astraea: godhood is a very big responsibility master. Are you certain you're up to it? Saving humanity is also a big task but at least that has an end point. This is... eternal.

Qin: oh! So you have decided to go for immortality after all?! Tho not the same as my methods, it is still good to see you two will be happy together!

Scathach: immortality? I've strived for death for so long... to see you go for immortality... Hopefully you'll find happiness, where I couldn't...

The screen turns off.

BB: very interesting! Most seem hesitant of it all... I for one think it's cute! Imagine in a thousand years you guys have a double date with me and my dear stag beetle!

Rex: ...a thousand years...

Quetz: still having trouble processing it all?

Rex: yeah... maybe when I get there... it'll be easier.

BB: now for today's final one! A scenario! One of you two goes berserk! What does the other do to calm them down?

Rex: well that has happened before... usually a nice hug is more then good enough.

Quetz: si! I've almost destroyed a few servants a few times until mi amor caught me in a hug! I can't bring myself to harm him... so I stop!

BB: sounds too easy... but I've seen that before so... I'll let it slide.

BB: well that's all the time we have for now! Hopefully you all are satisfied by the answers! We'll be doing this again, seeya!

Screen cuts out, the show's over.

Questions provided by: @hasbbdoneanythingwrong @havetheavengersdoneanythingwrong @has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong @renmeo @kazmetic @grievouslyxorvia

Other tags

@haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @hasishtardoneanythingwrong @hasereshdoneanythingwrong @hasabbydoneanythingwrong @haskamadoneanythingwrong

[thedaughterofkings]

this here be a rant about deleting fic. Proceed at your own peril

Okay, so, let me preface this with another caution. I am sad and mad and just plain emotional about this, so there’ll likely be some hyperbole. It is not directed at anyone personally in particular, but more a general frustration that I need to get off my chest. I’ll try to keep it as calm and kind as I can, but this is also not going to be an essay that’s nicely thought out and edited. Both because it’s just not worth the effort (the chances of anyone actually reading this are rather slim) and because I want to get this off my chest, not spend even more time on it. So, again, proceed with caution.

I hate that people keep deleting their fics from AO3. And I honestly side-eye them for it. Yes, there are endless reasons for why people delete their fics and all of them might be seen as “valid” by someone, but I basically don’t care (if anyone does end up reading this and feels like arguing - this is one of those hyperboles. I’m not looking for a list of “actually really valid reasons”.)

I think one of the issues that I have with this trend of deleting fic is how it goes against my fundamental understanding of fandom, which is very much collective rather than individual. For me, fandom is about coming together, about uniting in shared love (or frustration, as frequently also is the case) for a medium. Yes, I write for myself, but I publish for fandom. I see my fics as gifts to fandom - not in the sense that anyone should be grateful to get them, but in the sense of bringing another cake to the endless buffet of fandom. And like, you know, I’m not going to bring a cake to a buffet to take it all back home with me? (In fact, that is a very frustrating experience. Would not recommend.)

So, on that fundamental level, I don’t get deleting your fic.

I get wanting to disassociate yourself from fic. But AO3 has features for that.

We have the orphaning feature, which cuts your account completely off that particular fic, all data linking back to your account being deleted irreversibly. That can be done for individual fics, whole series, or even every single fic in your account in one fell swoop. The advantages for this on your side are that there’ll be no connection to your AO3 account anymore, anywhere in your fic. The advantages for your fellow fans are that, for one, and this is the biggest advantage in my opinion, the fic still exists. It is still available to be read and reread and loved by everyone. On the more technical side of things, AO3 orphaning leaves all links and AO3 bookmarks intact, which really is great, if you’ve ever tried to follow a broken link!

The other AO3 option is turning your fic anonymous. This works the same way as with fests that start out anonymous work. You add your fic to one of the many anonymous collections you can find on AO3 and the settings for that collection will get rid of your username on the front end. Anyone who reads that fic will see the author as “anonymous” and will find no connection to your account. The difference to orphaning your work is that the data connecting the fic to your account is still there on the back end. You will still see the fic on your account (but no one else); you’ll still be able to reply to comments; you’ll be able to edit the fic, or undo turning it anonymous. You basically retain all of the control while still loosing the association.

Another option would be to make a completely new account, a sock account if you will, and add the fics you don’t want on your main account anymore there. This should work by adding your new account as co-creator and then orphaning the fics from your main account. That way you’ll retain control while still getting the distance.

It obviously depends on you which option you prefer, but they are there for you to choose from and I wish more people would choose them, because they are actually in line with what AO3 was created for. Which brings me to another of my main issues with deleting fics from AO3 - it goes diametrically against my understanding of what the AO3 is - an ARCHIVE. The ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN was created to host our fics, to provide a space for them to be saved, archived for future generations of fans, to prevent them from being deleted. And to delete a fic from that archive just feels so wrong to me. Fandom is no stranger to lost fics, I’ve gone through many a rec list with not a single link working and it’s the worst thing, but it used to be that that was unwanted. Fics were deleted because FF.net culled all nc-17 fic, because Livejournal suffered through strikethroughs, because yahoo deleted geocities, and so on. Now the deletion is intentional and that just hurts all the more. And it honestly feels - meanspirited is way too strong, but I can’t think of anything else right now - it certainly feels wrong to delete them of AO3, the archive of our own, from servers fandom pays for, fandom upholds, fandom created for fic to be saved from sudden deletion.

On a sidenote, because the above are my really my main issues, but I’ve got to quickly address deleting fics to turn them into sellable fiction. That’s the part I really, truly side eye. This feels like it should be another rant on another day in another post, but I’m at it already anyways, so I’m going to get it off my chest as well. Obviously orphaning or turning fics anonymous doesn’t work if you want to sell them and people can just find them free on the internet. So I guess that makes it a “valid” reason, but it’s honestly the thing that makes me never want to buy a book by an author ever.

I am of the resolute belief that fic and fandom should be free and available for all. Both on the fandom side - it makes fic and fandom accessible to all, whatever your financial or otherwise situation, and on the canon side - it protects fic and fandom from the Anne Rice’s of this world (or rather allows the lawyers of the otw to protect us). So to take a free fic away from fandom to sell it just feels profoundly wrong. Especially after having it hosted on AO3 before (see above).

There’s also a really big questionmark for me when it comes to the separation from canon for me. Like, taking Sterek as an example, if I switch out names, but still have a werewolf whose family died in a housefire and a human thrown into the supernatural world because his best friend got bitten and he helps him figure things out, then those characters still aren’t “mine” and I don’t get to make money off them?! And if I’ve changed them so much that they are not recognisable as Stiles and Derek anymore, then ... was I really writing fanfic to begin with?

Which leads to my second frustration with this particular instance of deleting fics - it makes me as a reader feel like a guinea pig, like a test audience, and adds to that line of thought of “fic is lesser”. So you’ve practised writing fic and now you are a good enough writer to move on to “traditional, original, published, sellable” fiction, and because fandom loved this fic in particular so much, it’s passed the test to become the better fiction. And I hate that.

Mind, I’m not saying I don’t support fic authors who are also authors that publish works the traditional, money making way! I’ve bought and will keep buying books from fic authors. Because obviously fic authors are amazing writers and it doesn’t matter whether their work is transformative or not! However, I will not buy a book that I recognise as fic. It’s either going to be stolen and I don’t want to support that or it’s going to be a fic that got deleted so I could now pay for it - and I’m not even going to be able to tell because it’s not going to have “originally published by author abc on AO3″ on the cover, is it!

And finally, if the issue is that you’re going to apply for a job and you don’t want them to find your whatever fic? I’m going to be real blunt: This is why we don’t post our real name on the internet. Simple as that. Internet safety, kids. It’s not just a nineties meme.

Okay, that’s it, I think. If you’ve made it so far, I just want to say: I hate that people keep deleting their fics from AO3. But I most of all hate it because I love those fics. Because there’s always going to be people who love those fics. And people who would have loved those fics and can now no longer find them. Dear fic authors, I love you, and I beg of you - please don’t delete your fics.

[smartzelda]

Okay, so now that that's out of the way, here are all my thoughts on the khmom

So starting out, I know some were hoping this was the big Kairi game, and I'm sad it didn't live up to my hopes in that regard, but we also have to remember that Nomura said in interview before it came out not to expect too much, and then we learned that the story mode is an average of 10 hours.

As a fandom we need to remember that KHMoM was never advertised as "the big Kairi game", so while you can be sad that the game didn't live up to your hopes and dreams, Nomura did not "basically" tell us we were gonna get a big Kairi game and then let us down. With all due respect, this game is only a "Kairi game" in the sense that she's on the front cover and the story cutscenes at the end show her side of searching for Sora. Even the advertisements and interviews about this game were mostly focused on the rhythm game aspect, so besides cutscenes, the only talk about Kairi was the change from Chirithy to her doing narration

Now let's continue on keeping in mind that this is all my opinion and analysis, and there are various opinions out there.

Let's start with Kairi, since most of this game is about her. I haven't played the game myself yet (I watched cutscenes for now), but although it's sad Kairi herself wasn't part of any teams (which honestly makes sense since she wasn't a main character focused on in any of the games as much as those chosen for teams. KH1, CoM, and KH2 really were Sora, Donald, and Goofy, Days really was our sea salt trio, wayfinder trio was obviously the main protagonists for BBS, and even though Sora was in DDD, Sora is already on a team and Riku got a bigger charactsr focus in that game, so why not include the dream eater pals. And then honestly kh3 was Donald and Goofy and Sora again), at least we get her in the end. And her getting a small playable section at the end honestly makes sense considering the cutscene portion is the part of the game about her/following her/focuses on her, and she's been getting better as a keyblade wielder.

Now, this section shows us the pink flower thing from remind, and I'm even more convinced that it isn't her heart. For one, in remind, it was used in kh2 fashion, like an object to create a pathway to the next world or in this case Kairi herself. Then, in this game, while she's sleeping and in the final world, she finds it and it breaks apart. If it was Kairi's heart, would it make sense for it to break apart inside of her and not have an affect on her or her body? And what convinces me more is that after you collect all these pieces of the flower with Kairi, she clutches her head and has a memory moment.

What is the pink flower thing, then, you wonder? Well tbh I wonder too, but I had a thought. It's not essential enough to her state of being to be her heart, but it's definitely a part of her or a representation of part of her. My thought is that it could be a semi-physical representation of her memories or a physical metaphor of her state of being at the time it shows up. For example, in remind, it could have been scattered pices of her memory, because we remember that in kh3 they learned that a person (like Roxas, Xion, etc) couldn't completely come back or wake up from wherever their hearts were until their memories were returned to them too. So if the flower is representative of her memory, it then would make sense why it needed to be gathered, why it made Sora feel Kairi, and why it can also act as an object related to Kairi that can pave a path to her. It could also be a metaphor for her state of being at the same time since just like the flower, Kairi's body is shattered. This also makes sense for KHMoM, because if it's partly a metaphor representation of Kairi's state of being, then her "state of being" in this case refers to her repressed childhood memories and the links in those chains of memories that have broken apart. And so if the flower is representative of her memories, it would make sense that when she gathered all the pieces she remembered these memories because it brought these repressed memories to light and essentially pieced them back together when she gathered the heart pieces. If not because the flower has to do with her memories, at least in this case, why else would she remember repressed memories after gathering the flower pieces?

Continuing on from here, when Kairi holds her head and begins to remember, we get this interesting turn of the camera that flips Kairi and her reflection in the water before transitioning to the memories. I don't know much about camera techniques, but it definitely symbolizes or means something.

So we get the memory of Apprentice Terranort taking young Kairi (I honestly laughed when it showed him reaching for her just because of that "gimme your phone" meme) and it transitions to showing the scene with Kairi in one of the pods. This scene tells us a few things. For one, somehow, Apprentice Terranort knows about "unreality" or what's essentially a parallel universe to the KH universe, you can somehow get there with a strong enough connection to it (like using someone who's from there like Riku did or your heart resonating in some way with someone there. For example, if Kairi's poh heart resonated with a keyblade wielder from the alternate universe instead of Riku on Destiny Islands). It also may tell us that it's possible that Apprentice Xehanort knew the stuff we learned in the kh3 ending with the Luxu reveal would come to pass. Obviously Xehanort knew by doing what he did with Kairi that he would cause Sora's disappearance, but since we know (from Dark Road I think?) that the ancient wielders went to another world and all that, we know the stuff with Kairi was his final plan, and we know Xehanort got his peaceful death, I don't think Xehanorts final plan with Kairi was a ploy for him to do more summon kingdom hearts or a petty go at removing Sora since he might win. More than likely this "final plan" has to do with preventing a possible future and setting things up accordingly. Apprentice Terranort told 4 yr old Kairi her mission as if it's success would affect the future of the universe. And on one hand it makes sense because they needed a keyblade wielder to defeat the heartless and restore the worlds and lock their keyholes, but what if it's double meaning is that making sure the worlds last past that is dependent on making sure "the keyblade wielder" would also be in the position to prevent a future crisis? Because I doubt Quadratum is gonna only be important for getting Sora and coming back. This place is gonna have some significance, and if preventing or battling the crisis also hinges on the Keyblade wielder going to the alternate universe as Xehanort's backup plan to balance the worlds or keep them safe, then the foretellers, Luxu, the box, and that whole thing are more connected to what's happening in the alternate universe as we would've thought. Anyways, to sorta summarize that, I think that Sora had to have ended up in the Alternate universe to give our main crew a chance of dealing with something big, and if Xehanort couldn't make a new world with the keyblade, he at least had to make sure Sora could be in the right place to make sure things happen as they should to save all the worlds.

Then we get Kairi faced with the man in a cloak who's revealed to be Xehanort. This part also honestly made me laugh because we knew it would be Xehanort, but also on behalf of those who insisted it was MoM (no offense to them btw because I get their thought process. It just kinda made me laugh). I liked this sequence in the khmom trailer (especially in og Japanese because what Kairi says there is better put), and I like it because it essentially serves as Kairi facing her fear and the one who changed her fate head on, channeling all those thoughts and feelings and letting them out. So, whether or not this Xehanort is real or fake, Kairi takes him head on.

Now the fight sequence has a variation of thoughts on it, and here are mine. For one, I spent this whole sequence being so excited because she was fighting so good and hard to the best of her ability. Second, this is memory Xehanort created from her heart, so I like the explanation that he too is influenced by her personal fears and doubts, mainly an insecurity and doubt in her own abilities. So the reason Xehanort is so easily able to catch her keyblade and dodge hits from her (the first time he grabbed it I honestly thought he would insult her and snap it like Xemnas did with Lea) is because no matter how much she wants to defeat him, deep down she doesn't believe she's strong enough, and so here leads into when she turns into Sora.

Now, to preface, if the literal explanation of this from Nomura is "Kairi isn't strong enough so Sora's sleeping heart sensed her danger and possessed her to do the boss fight for her", then I think this sequence is 1000% bad, unnecessary, and people have every right to be mad. However, my thoughts on this scene is that it also has to do with her memories and anxieties. Remember that memory Xehanort says that everything in this specific version of the final world was created by Kairi's heart. And so if her doubts are on her own strength, my thoughts are that it was these doubts and feelings of inferiority that had her become Sora (or a memory Sora more specifically) because she doesn't believe she can win or beat Xehanort with out him yet. In other words, she still felt dependent on him, so in that moment her heart responded by temporarily turning her into Sora to reaffirm her fears (like when she was losing against xehanort) and beat Xehanort for her. If this is true, then that gives some depth to Kairi's character in how she currently percieves herself as of khmom, and maybe how she believes others view her. And with Xehanort's comment, I think it may reaffirm that this Sora is a projection. Because if Sora came there through his bond to Kairi, then there's no reason Kairi would've disappeared or there's no reason why he wouldn't have talked or just something. So then, Xehanort's line about Sora being where his voice cannot reach them has a double meaning. The first is that this Sora that fights memory Xehanort does not speak (and also he's fighting like a controlled puppet without a will of it's own like, did you see his soulless face?), which affirms to him that Sora is in the alternate universe, and the second may be that he realized it's a version of him from Kairi's heart (just like he himself is), and he being there instead of the real Sora affirms that Sora's bonds in this world have broken and he couldn't have been there himself, meaning he must've been in the alternate universe (if not dead, which Xehanort knows he isn't because he knows his final plan with Kairi).

Side note, also during the earlier battle with Xehanort, Xehanort told Kairi she wouldn't find Sora in her heart and that the key to him is in memories long gone. And part of my reaction to that is that I felt validated and angry, because we've been saying that Kairi wouldn't find Sora through the search of her heart and dudebros and s/ks and the like said that we were thinking about our ship and being misogynistic in thinking Kairi wouldn't have that role, and then Xehanort himself, created from Kairi's heart said "You won't find anything here". My other reaction was to "memories long gone", and it honestly made me wonder if it meant that Kairi had some of Sora's memories in her heart that he lost and they're not there anymore, or that the key to Sora is memories of his he not only lost, but are literally missing and in someone no one can reach currently (like within Yozora or something)

So anyways, Xehanort gives Kairi a clue about how to find Sora through that line referring to the alternate universe (again it being brought up in the future for a different thing is why I think Apprentice Terranort gave his speech as a double meaning in the past), and she finally wakes up where the whole lab crew work it out

As for AtW and crew assuming the alternate universe is fictional, that may or may not be true. They worked it out by saying "The opposite of our reality is unreality or fiction", but we also know that could be referring to a parallel universe, meaning both universes could very much be real. As for Yozora telling Sora "this isn't the real world", I'm not gonna go far into it as others have, but if Sora is theoretically inside Yozora's heart, hence how he can visit him in his dream, then Sora is technically not in the real world, but the alternate universe is in the real world. And if the alternate universe is a fake world, it's not impossible, but it's still odd to me how Yozora would be self aware that the world he was born in wasn't real.

Forward from here, Riku enters, Kairi and Riku have their leads to Sora (tbh one of my hopes was that Kairi and Riku would have a real talk about the odd status of their friendship and how it's honestly not great, but maybe it'll happen in the future), and Fairy God Mother magics Kairi and Riku and herself into the final world (sorry this is a bit passive aggressive, but no, we knew that Riku wouldn't need to dream dive into Kairi's dreams to make it into the final world so they could get to Sora). FGM then starts talking about the final key, alerts the two teens about the hearts in the final world, and takes them to Nameless star. It was about this point I literally had a moment over how beautiful Kairi and Nameless star's respective voices sounded because they both sounded so pretty. This is also where they learn that shibuya in the other universe is named Quadratum (haha another square reference I see, square😂), and FGM says that you can get to the other universe with the power of waking and Nameless Star's strong dream and will. I honestly can't wait until we get to see Nameless star for real and hear her name. It's honestly so sweet that Riku wanted to make her dream come true (in like a "Riku is so nice and sweet" way, not in a shippy way) and was also willing to help her not just because she could lead him to Sora.

Then, FGM informs the crew that this is as far as she goes, and leaves the rest to Riku. This is another widely opinionated section of MoM's story, because here Kairi expresses her wishes to go and is ultimately rejected. I have seen people rant about how Riku is a misogynist and explain this scene as if Riku literally told Kairi "You're too weak", shoved her aside, and called her useless, but here's an analysis of the scene with some of my pov. That part wasn't nearly as bad as people exaggerated it to be. When Kairi expressed her wish to go, Riku literally stuttered, failing to actually say she can't. He didn't even really say anything before Kairi sighed and was like "I know". So to say Riku is misogynistic for that?😬 Also, this is a completely new universe, one where Yen Sid didn't even let Mickey Mouse follow, and as FGM said you have to have the power of waking to get there. Kairi is strong, as memory Xehanort said, but she's not to master level (or at Sora or Riku's level for that matter), not strong enough to deal with a whole new world, especially since her only real experience was being plunged into war just after some training (like Sora and Riku got this whole experience starting with dealing with low level heartless and getting used to it all, and they had been practicing and self teaching themselves how to fight since they were kids, to which Kairi did not), and she doesn't have the power of waking, so no matter how much Kairi wants to go with Riku, as he was trying to tell her and failing, it's not possible for her right now. It's like how Sora wanted so badly to join Riku and Mickey in the RoD on saving Aqua, but he hadn't regained his strength yet and didn't have the Power of Waking. Example one of the Kingdom Hearts fandom's double standards: Sora being denied access to also go to the RoD to save Aqua because he doesn't have the strength or PoW is fine, but Kairi being denied access to also go to the alternate universe with Riku for the same reasons is Misogyny🙄.

And also on Kairi's rejection to go with Riku to the alternate universe, I felt like this moment was a parallel to kh1 that showed that Kairi is beginning her character development. In kh1, Kairi insisted to go with Sora to save Riku, and Sora outright said she would be in his way so she couldn't go (idk what it says in the jp version), and after being told this, Kairi accepts her situation and resigns to wait on the islands for Sora to return with Riku. During this whole time she also makes no effort to train. However, in this moment in khmom, when Riku fails to stutter out "No", Kairi very visibly and audibly is frustrated when she says "I know". She's been here before, but it says something that her being left like this, waiting to the side, isn't something she wants anymore. She wants to go, and she's frustrated that she still can't. And I know this came off to people as "Nomura is just shafting Kairi again", but in my opinion if he wanted to toss her aside, he wouldn't have done this. He would've had her okay with Riku going by himself from the get-go and had Kairi just kind of go "well, back to training with Merlin again". Heck, if he really wasn't doing anything with her, he would have just left her while FGM and Riku met Nameless star in the Final World. But what he did was present us a Kairi that is strong, but knows she needs to be stronger. He gave us a Kairi that is visibly frustrated in knowing she can't help her best friend. And her response after accepting she can't go currently? She takes the initiative to train under Aqua (a real keyblade master), meaning that she really wants to take the steps to get stronger now, and she tells Riku that one day she'll stand by him and Sora (not just Sora). The girl has resolved to take her own path and take real responsibility for her training so she never has to stay behind again. It's showing Kairi's shift from "Sora and Riku are leaving me behind and I'm struggling to catch up so I try to make sure they come back to me or I do the bare minimum to still be around them" to "I take control of my own destiny, and I'm gonna close this gap myself, by my own efforts, not by waiting for them to do something". I'm fully aware Nomura could still shaft Kairi, but I truly feel like this little we got in khmom is the beginning of her development as a character. And I feel this way because while remind at times arguably came off as pandering to people who wanted K to do something, khmom, taking into account all the things Nomura could have done instead of what he did, felt more genuine, and actually made me hopeful and excited for her character and what she does in the future. Also, example two of the Kingdom Hearts fandom's double standards: Riku struggling to tell Kairi she can't go with him (and him not actually saying it) is considered misogynistic by this fandom, but Sora in kh1 bluntly telling Kairi she would be in his way and therefore couldn't go is "UwU he's protecting his love! So cute!"🙄

Anyways, going forward, I'm so excited to witness some actual development for Kairi amd seeing her interact with the wayfinder trio! Like training with Aqua? Yes!

Also, not to be passive-aggressive, but I know a number of S/Rs who would like an apology for being told that believing that Riku would be the one to save Sora was us reaching and being delusional and thinking Kairi wouldn't go is misogynistic🙂

Anyways, besides that, Soriku endgame actually?! Like Sorikus and Riku stans how you feeling about all this? Like, can you believe we were right when we said Riku would go save Sora? Can you believe in the same week we got confirmation Riku would be the one to go save Sora, we learned that there would be three sets of Soriku Nendoroids? Like we just keep on winning and honestly that makes me so happy. I honestly can't wait to see not only Kairi's training and possible future development, but also Riku's journey! This may have just been a bridge game, but I'm so excited!😊

[britts-galaxy-brain]

The Normalization of Toxicity

This will be my last post, and unless some miracle occurs within the greater Tumblr community, my last time on Tumblr in general. I’ve been thinking on giving some sort of final update for a while now just to get some things off my chest. This may be long and/or rambly. I will be linking some resources at the end of this post that have helped me tremendously over the past couple of years.

First off, I would like to express my utter disgust at what this website and by extension the fandom communities in general have devolved in to. I greatly underestimated just how out of control this beast had become. Before I got on Tumblr for the first time, I had heard the rumors but assumed they had been wildly exaggerated. How wrong I was, and yet I remained in denial during most of my time here, including when I was sharing information and speaking openly with people I should never have trusted. That is the only thing I feel I need to sincerely apologize to Lily for. Yes, what she has done and continues to do is reprehensible. Yes, everything I have shared about her is true and I have done my best to keep every bit of this sensitive information as accurate as possible. I absolutely should NOT have shared it with the people I did. All I succeeded in doing was feeding the beast, and contributing to the mental distortions and distresses that causes her to act the way she does in the first place. I did so with the best of intentions, albeit I was tainted with anger in such a way that I was denying at the time. I didn’t handle this well. I didn’t research the audience I was sharing this information with. That was a massive mistake which ended up producing the exact opposite results than what I hoped would happen (either Lily would see the pain she caused people and would be inspired to change for the better, or would be ousted from her position and be unable to hurt others). 

I stupidly believed the people who claim to care about this sort of thing were being genuine. They aren’t. These self-described ‘hunters’, at their core, mainly care about fueling the drama they use as an escape from their real life. The worst of them use it as a means to cover up their own closet skeletons and stroke their own egos. In the short time I was regularly involved with all of this, I witnessed an increasing amount of instances that have left me completely dumbfounded. Open predators are defended by some, while the ones who claim to want “justice” do nothing that would actually bring any sort of justice. These people are quickly forgotten within the internet’s short attention span, and they are left to continue to do what they do. People bandwagon around them, reducing the impact these people leave and making it harder for their actual victims to be taken seriously. It’s difficult to know how much of the dishonesty is intentional, or a result of moderate to severe uncontrolled mental illness. In Lily’s case, most of the conversations surrounding her involve debating her political and entertainment opinions rather than things she’s done that actually warrant discussion, and even that has been handled incredibly poorly and has just fed into her self-defenses. I do not excuse myself from feeding into it as well.

On the topic of mental illness, I realized a hard truth during my hiatus. The things we use most as coping mechanisms are actually harming us. I quit social media entirely for a few months, and realized I really was addicted. I also realized the memes and self-deprecating jokes we think are cathartic and helpful are feeding into these negative feelings about ourselves. They reinforce the identities we’ve built around ourselves. “Being trash”, “depressed”, ect become a comfort zone because that is what becomes familiar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not railing against social media in general, just how we’ve been using it. Think about the last time you scrolled your Facebook feed, or whatever you spend a lot of time scrolling on. You automatically relate to and maybe even laugh at self-deprecating images and jokes. “Hah, I’m so fucking depressed.” “Hah, I’m garbage.” “Hah, I have no friends.” “Hah, I want to kill myself.” Now think about when you see something positive. “Psh, that’s not me.” “I don’t deserve that.” “I’m actually ugly, but okay.” You push against anything positive because on a deep level, it scares you. It threatens the identity you’ve built around yourself, which is the thing that gives you a sense of grounding to the world around you and the role you play in it.

I was an absolute MESS when I first started challenging my own darkness. I hadn’t realized just how deep I had gone. I was horribly paranoid. Angry. Deeply depressed. My memory is still recovering from the several years of constant extreme stress I went through. I’m finally getting stable, which is genuinely the first time in my life I can say that. It felt fucking weird for a while, and it still does at times. It feels strange being comfortable in my own home. It feels uncertain but great that I’m at a point where I can afford my bills and still have some money left over. I’m finding interest in old and new hobbies. I have real goals for the future that I am actively working toward. I have a support system that cares about me enough to tell me the truth instead of enabling my bad habits and behaviors, and it took a long time for me to trust that they truly had my best intentions at heart. 

It has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced. I had to break and completely reshape myself. It has taken daily maintenance, practice, research, ect and I have gotten lazy and fallen off the wagon multiple times, but I absolutely refuse to let myself go back to where I was. Never again. It has cost me quite a few people that I thought were friends, and most of my family. I’m still not quite where I want to be with myself, but I’m taking steps to get there and I feel like I’m making real progress. 

I guess the point to this is to hopefully send out a message of hope to those of you who want to get out of the dark, and are ready to do so. There are ways to heal, and you deserve that, regardless of your past or what other people have said about you. It’s never too late and it’s okay to hurt and grieve during this process. It isn’t easy, it can take quite a while and a LOT of willpower, but it is doable. 

I may check back at some point to see if anyone has any questions or would like advice, but I won’t be discussing Lily any longer, nor will I be resharing any information about her. It’s out there in multiple places if you really want to find it. 

That’s all for now. I wish you all the best and hope this reaches someone. - Thought Bubble https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpuqYFKLkcEryEieomiAv3Q - Therapy in a Nutshell (licensed therapist specializing in anxiety, depression, attachment styles, and trauma-related mental illnesses. Uses neuroplasticity along with other therapeutic practices. This one has helped me the most.) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCybBViio_TH_uiFFDJuz5tg - Einzelganger (Philosophy channel with a focus on stoicism and individual existentialism.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiRiQGCHGjDLT9FQXFW0I3A - Academy of Ideas (Philosophy channel with a focus on self-mastery.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-tLyAaPbRZiYrOJxAGB7dQ - Pursuit of Wonder (Philosophy channel with a focus on existentialism in relation to the world as a whole.)