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songsoomin · 4 years ago

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Begin Again Part 1 (A, F)

Word count: Around 10k

Idol! Jongho x Fem Reader, Best friend! Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to a past relationship but Jongho will help her through it. First two chapters will be angst with some fluff but a little smut will appear in chapter 3.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues.

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive.

Part 2 Part 3

Posted 16th October 2020

This was a bad idea, you were sure of it. Meeting new people never worked out well for you and you could already feel the anxiety creeping up on you. But Hongjoong was with you, he had told you he'd look after you and you trusted him - not something that came easily to you, these days. Still, the little voice in your head kept telling you you were stupid to think anyone would like you.

As you both approached the restaurant you froze, pulling him to a stop with you.

"Hongjoong...I'm not sure I can do this." You looked at him, clearly nervous.

"Y/N. I know it's a lot of people to meet at once but they're the best bunch of guys you could ever meet - and I'll be here with you the whole time."

"Okay." You were still skeptical that they would like you - great guys or not. The problem wasn't them...it was you.

In school Hongjoong had been one of your closest friends but you fell out of touch with him when your lives started taking different paths. Looking back at the last few years you had actually lost touch with almost every friend you had - a byproduct of the toxic relationship you had been in - and now your self-esteem was so low that it felt too scary for you to make any new ones.

You had run into Hongjoong while shopping some months ago and he had asked you to have a coffee with him. He could see you were very different to how he remembered you and asked how you had been. It was a particularly difficult time for you and you couldn't keep it all in anymore. You broke down in front of him, frantically apologising for burdening him with all this. You were sure he was going to think you were crazy and you'd never hear from him again...but he stuck around. He kept texting, asking you to meet just to make sure you were okay and, gradually, he pursuaded you that you deserved better than how you were being treated. That your boyfriend was abusing you...even if he wasn't physically hurting you. It was psychological and emtional. You had lived walking on eggshells all the time - what was fine one day would cause him to get angry and lash out at you the next - or to spend days ignoring you completely. You never knew what to do or say to please him. Hongjoong helped you gain the strength to leave him and promised to help you start afresh.

So here he was, trying to get you back out into the world and make some friends because, if left to your own devices, the depression would make you sit inside your flat all alone, convincing you not to try in case you get hurt again.

The restaurant wasn't too crowded, which was good because you weren't comfortable around lots of people. Your red-haired best friend led you to a big table occupied by seven of the most attractive men you had ever seen and you froze up again.

You don't belong here.

The mean voice in your head taunted you.

Look at these guys...they're perfect and you're just...well, a fat mess.

You tried to ignore the voice as Hongjoong introduced you to all of them,

"Guys, this is my friend Y/N that I told you about. Y/N this is...." He reeled off all their names but you knew you wouldn't remember them all. You just tried to match names to the various hair colours, hoping it would be easier that way. They all greeted you warmly, Hongjoong pulled a chair out for you next to the big, blue haired one - Yunho - and sat on your other side. He was right, they were all very friendly and a few of them very loud.

"Y/N, how old are you? Can I talk comfortably?" You think the one who asked this was called Wooyoung, he was the loudest by far. Cute, with short black hair, parted in the middle but it had a dark bluish tinge in the light. His laugh was so high-pitched you thought your ear drums would burst before the end of the meal.

"What do you do, Y/N? Do you work or go to college?" Seonghwa was next, he was so attractive you almost forgot how to form coherent sentences. Big, dark eyes, a beautiful smile and darkish-blonde hair that almost covered his eyes. He seemed the most mature of the lot and looked a bit intense sometimes - he was a little intimidating, really.

"What kind of music do you listen to? What kind of fashion do you like? Your trainers are really cool." The big one with brown hair threw questions at you next. He was dressed really well so you guessed he must like clothes a lot. He was big, like Yunho but he didn't look so friendly, at first. You thought he might be a bit cold when he was just sitting there but when he smiled it lit up his face. He was easily the cutest, despite his size.

"I'm not into clothes much...I just wear whatever, really."

Yeah, whatever you can find to fit you - which isn't much. You look awful in everything.

I mean, he has eyes...he can see how fat you are. Does he really think you can wear the new fashions in the shops? They're all made for skinny girls, after all.

You tried your best to block out the voice because you knew he was just being friendly but the voice was always there reminding you how awful you were. Making you feel even worse.

Even before you had become withdrawn you had never been outgoing - always shy and only talking to people once they'd spoken to you first - but now outgoing people were so opposite to you they actually made you feel a little uncomfortable and you couldn't help shying away from them.

Hongjoong recognised it - probably because you were clinging on to his sleeve - and asked them to tone it down.

"Guys...stop bombarding Y/N with so many questions. You really are a bit too much sometimes." He chided, although affectionately.

They got the message and switched to general conversation after a chorus of sorries. You calmed a bit once you weren't the centre of attention, just enjoying their chatter and the way they were with each other. They had a closeness you'd never experienced yourself with friends. You had been good friends with Hongjoong but, as far as girlfriends went, you'd always felt left on the outside.

You'd had some bad experiences and knew that girls could be very mean. In the past some had pretended to like you but talked shit about you behind your back. Sometimes you'd feel you were left out on purpose - once even listening to girlfriends plan a night out, knowing you were there but not inviting you. These kind of things happened more than once, with different groups, so in the end you decided it was you. You must be unlikeable in some way. It was after that you became friends with Hongjoong and his friends in the last two years of school, prefering the honesty of boys. They weren't usually two-faced and bitchy like the girls. In your experience, if a boy didn't like you he would either tell you or show it in some other way.

That was why you had agreed to come out with Hongjoong today, you felt more comfortable with boys and you knew he was a good judge of character. If this had been a table of girls you'd have been way too scared to come...and god knows what that voice would be saying to you now. Most of the girls he knew were idols like him - and it was fair to say you were on the larger side - so the inferiority complex you'd develop sitting with girls that thin and pretty didn't bear thinking about.

Despite your discomfort you were truly enjoying being with the group and litening to their stories and friendly jibes. It's hard being around a group of friends who have a long history because they will talk about their shared experiences but they were all kind enough to explain the stories to you and include you as much as they could. You appreciated their kindness.

They're probabbly getting sick of you by now...having to explain everything. You're just an incovenience to everyone. I bet they wish you weren't here.

The waiter came over to take the order and you asked for a diet Pepsi.

"Diet?" Yeah, right. They're probably laughing at you for ordering a diet when you look like you don't even know the meaning of the word. One look at you and they can see you don't do 'diet' anything.

The voice was often stronger in your mind when you were already anxious or in an uncomfortable situation. Right now it was really being mean. You also ordered something relatively light and healthy to eat and that spurred the voice on more.

Really? You know they can see you, right? They won't think you usually eat this way. You're not that fat because you've been eating salads.

You tried your best to drown it out and just listen to the guys' chatter again. You knew you'd probably still be hungry after so you'd eat back at home.

Yeah...too much. Like always.

You knew in your heart that they wouldn't think you ate that healthily normally but you didn't like eating in front of others. Other peope judged you for how you looked, what you ate. You'd rather they inwardly laughed at you for trying to pretend you were healthy than look at a fat girl eating junk food and be more disgusted.

The thought brought back old memories of the daily nagging your ex subjected you to...

"Y/N? Do you really think you should be eating that? You eat far too much."

"When are you going to start losing some weight?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"A salad would probably be better for you than that."

"I just think you should get rid of that dress. It makes you look awful."

"I'm not trying to upset you but I just want you to be as attractive and beautiful as you used to be. Everyone knows fat isn't sexy."

He never outright called you names or said things anyone would consider insulting so it was difficult to see that what he was doing was emotional abuse. What he did was gradually strip you of any shred of self-confidence. Everyday the things he said were carefully designed to remind you that you weren't as thin as you were when you met him and therefore you weren't good enough. There were certain clothes he disliked because they didn't flatter your size as well as others and if you wore any of those he would withold hugs and affection. You could see him purposefully not looking in your direction anytime you were changing because seeing you naked was so repulsive to him. But he didn't leave you to find someone better. He carried on gradually demeaning you, trying to force you into becoming what he wanted you to be. He thought if he made you feel bad enough, you would eat better and go to the gym but it didn't work that way. Your self-worth became so wrapped up in what you looked like that you began hating yourself. You couldn't go to the gym because people would laugh at you. You stopped going on nights out with friends because you hated how you looked in everything you owned and didn't want people looking at you. Laughing because the fat girl thought she could make herself look good by putting on some make up and a nice dress. It was logical to think that if you didn't like your weight you could just eat better but the depression kept you down and just made you eat more. A vicious circle. The more you ate the more you hated yourself until you just got used to it. You might have got rid of him but the voice remained, constantly demeaning and mocking you.

You were close to tears now but didn't want to embarrass yourself further so you made an excuse to leave the table.

"Joong, I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Okay." You'd learned in the previous months that Hongjoong could always see through you but everyone was around so he didn't comment on it. He knew you wouldn't want anyone else to see you were upset. You appreciated his sensitivity but how he also wouldn't let you bottle things up until they were really hurting you too much. You knew it was his mature and caring nature that made him perfect as the group's leader.

You calmed yourself down and went back out before anyone would wonder why you'd been gone too long.

You think anyone but Hongjoong would even notice you were gone?

When you got back to the table they were all still engrossed in conversation but Hongjoong lightly squeezed your hand under the table and Yunho broke off to talk to you. A few seats away another boy smiled at you shyly, noticing your return. You hadn't spoken to him directly and he seemed one of the quietest of the group. He had light brown hair and a cute smile. You wouldn't have thought he was the youngest because he was a bit stockier than the rest and seemed more mature than Wooyoung and Mingi but he called each of them 'Hyung' so you guessed he must be. In any event, he had seemed to notice when you returned so maybe the voice wasn't always right. You felt hopeful but you also knew how quickly hopes could be crushed. You guessed you'd just have to see how this went.

As the meal went on you really were enjoying yourself but couldn't get rid of the fear of judgement completely, despite how nice they seemed. You felt so self-conscious as you ate in front of them that you took tiny bites and didn't even finish it all. You noticed the same boy - who you'd now learned was called Jongho - looking over at you every now and then and it made you feel a bit anxious.

He's probably judging you. He's clearly very fit and active, whereas, you get no exercise and clearly eat too much...what must he think?

You tried your best to shove it to the back of your mind and enjoy the afternoon.

You had had fun but were glad once you got home, where you could relax and know no one was watching or judging you. You went to the freezer and took out a full tub of ice cream, ready to eat the whole thing by yourself. Food used to comfort you - something you'd learned a long time ago and had now become a habit - but these days you didn't get the same feeling. Eating had become robotic, almost. You picked up food even when you weren't really hungry and, although you still enjoyed the taste and the action of eating, you couldn't say you paid much attention anymore and the whole tub would be gone before you knew it. You thought it might be like drugs, where you needed more all the time to get the same fix. Or maybe it was just that you'd had to disassociate from your feelings that you didn't get the same pleasure you once got because inside you were actually ashamed of yourself and, as long as you weren't feeling anything, you wouldn't feel that either.

You did want to change because, if nothing else, you knew overeating wasn't healthy. It wasn't that you thought people needed to be thin to be beautiful because you knew beauty was subjective and came in all forms but you knew you were much happier in yourself when you were slimmer. How much of that was due to the mistreatment from your ex-boyfriend, it was impossible to know. Maybe if he had embraced you as you were you could be happy at whatever size without hating yourself but it was done now.

You weren't completely sure why you felt ashamed of yourself because you never judged other people for not being thin. You could only imagine that it was another side-effect of the emotional abuse. He was always gaslighting...making it seem like it was your fault.

“I'm only trying to help...don't you want to look good?”

"You know how unhappy it makes me. Don't you care about saving our relationship? If you did you'd be down at the gym doing something about it."

If you ever tried to point out how his behaviour made you feel or how he could change how he treated you so you were happier together he just turned it back on you.

"I'm not the one who needs to change. The only problem in our relationship is your size so it's you that needs to fix it."

Deep down you knew that wasn't true, though. His behaviour wasn't right and shaming someone was not an incentive for self-improvement. On the contrary, it only made you eat more but now you did it in secret where you couldn't be seen and, therefore, couldn't be judged. At least until they could see the results of your overeating.

********

A few days later you and Hongjoong were watching a few more episodes of the Netflix drama you'd started together in your apartment. You'd just finished the second and were having a break to get more drinks before beginning the third when he seemed to remember something.

"Oh, Y/N! I forgot to tell you...the guys all said they like you. Said it was nice to meet someone new, for a change."

You leaned back against the kitchen side, abandoning the hunt for drinks for a moment, "What do you mean?"

"Well...we get so few chances to meet anyone who isn't part of our industry or who isn't a fan." Hongjoong continued on, lifting himself up onto the opposite counter-top. "The people in our industry are like us where they don't get to do much real-life stuff so mostly we end up talking about idol life and work. We adore our fans and love getting to meet them but it is still a big part of being an idol so it's nice when we meet someone not linked to that at all."

"Really?" You asked. You liked hearing about Hongjoong's life but never pressed him for too much information. He did talk about it but was usually more concerned with how you were doing. You'd never pressed him too much about being an idol because you wanted him to be able to be himself with you and talk about whatever he wanted.

"Yeah, it's nice for us to have friends who we can talk to about other things and get some time to switch off from work. That's probably why they bombarded you with questions the other day." He laughed thinking about it and you had to join in. Hongjoong had such a bright smile that it made you happy just seeing it. You knew he used a lot of his free time trying to help you mend yourself and you had worried he'd get sick of your drama but it felt like a relief to know he liked the distraction.

He'll get sick of you one day. He may be helping you now but he'll soon realise you're not worth it.

"I really liked meeting them, too. It was a bit overwhelming at first but they seemed just as nice as you said they were. Thanks, Joong, I had fun for once." You smiled at your red-haired best friend, still sitting up on the counter.

"They liked you, too...they even suggested I bring you over to the dorm sometime."

"They liked me? I thought they'd have seen how boring I am. I'm too quiet and shy."

Hongjoong sighed, "Y/N...you are a wonderful person and being shy doesn't make you boring. You're different to the other kinds of people we know and that is refreshing."

You looked down at your hands awkwardly, not used to hearing anything good about yourself from anyone but your parents and they had to say nice things about you - they were biased.

"It's understandable that you're reserved around new people given what you've been through. That arsehole made you feel like you're not worth anything and you've nothing to offer anyone but it's just not true. I've got to know you again and once you let me in I could see how great you are. You're funny and caring and they'll see it soon, as well, if you let them."

"Stop it Joong, you know how uncomfortable compliments make me." You said, blushing.

Hongjoong hopped down from the counter and slung an arm around your shoulder, "That's because you don't believe any of it yet and I'm not going to stop until you do."

"Thanks, Joong...I don't know where I'd be without you."

********

You stood outside the door to the boys' dorm, anxiety flaring. Slowly you took some deep breaths in an attempt to calm yourself. Hongjoong had told you they had liked you and wanted to see you again but you still doubted it.

Over time you had come to believe that people never really liked you - you weren't worth it. You were too quiet and boring, not attractive enough so what did you really have to offer? Thinking this way meant that you had trouble believing Hongjoong even though you knew he was a good person and wouldn't lie to you. He could've been mistaken, though.

They probably just told him they liked you because you're his friend and they didn't want to hurt his feelings.

But he said they had suggested I come over...so that can't be true. You told the nasty voice in your head and hoped you were right. Finally feeling a little more calm you knocked timidly on the door.

Jeez...even your knock is boring.

You heard a small comotion on the other side of the door before you heard the click of the door opening.

"Guys, stop crowding! She doesn't want you all in her face straight away."

As Hongjoong opened the door with a sigh you saw three of his members standing behind him looking excited and you had to laugh a little. Thankfully you remembered their names - Yunho was easy because he had blue hair and you remembered San and Wooyoung as they had been the ones to talk to you most at the restaurant.

"Hi." You felt a little overwhelmed again but not as much as last time. True, it was a new environment and those added to your anxiety but the three guys seemed genuinely pleased to see you again so you felt much more comfortable already.

"Hi, Y/N!" Hongjoong greeted you with a hug, then, turning to the other three commanded,

"Guys...give Y/N some room to breathe before you attack her."

San looked slightly forlorn, like a small child who's dad just told him he couldn't go out to play yet and you smiled because he just looked so cute.

Wooyoung, however, ignored Hongjoong completely.

"Y/N, what kind of pizza topping do you like? We're ordering a bunch for all of us."

"Uh, I like Hawaiian best."

"Yes! I knew someone else but me must like pineapple on pizza."

The tall brown haired one, Mingi you thought, yelled from his spot on the sofa with a tone that said 'I told you so' to the others.

"Fine," Wooyoung replied, "You and Y/N can share that one and the rest of us will get the usual order."

Mmmm, pizza. That'll help you to not be a massive fat cow. The voice chimed in sarcastically and you sighed.

"Are you okay?" Yunho asked, bringing you out of your own thoughts.

"Oh...yeah, I'm fine."

"Let's get you a drink. We got Pepsi, Fanta, juice...."

You followed Yunho to the kitchen while he carried on talking to you and asking how you had been. He was really easy to talk to and, although he seemed like he could be quite hyper and chaotic - especially with Mingi, as you witnessed at the restaurant - he also seemed to have a more perceptive side, like he could read how people were feeling. You appreciated how he was chatting with you more calmly, without making you feel overwhelmed by attention.

You made your way into the living area of their dorm and looked around. Not all the boys had been there to greet you when you came in, which was good as it meant you didn't have the focus of eight people on you all at once.

Yeosang, the quietest of the group, was sitting on the couch by Mingi and he smiled and said "Hi." when you came over and took a seat on the other couch. Mingi, happy to have found someone who let him order pineapple pizza started chatting to you, asking if you wanted to watch a movie or play games first. They seemed to have the evening planned out but it was nice he was asking what you wanted to do - it made you feel included.

Seonghwa was getting snacks together in the kitchen and when he brought them out to the living room the boys all descended on him like they were starving. He tutted, grumbling about how uncivilised they were but you could see the affection he held for them. Hongjoong had told you Seonghwa was the oldest so you presumed he took on more of a caring role like Joong did.

Jongho was the last to enter, coming from down the hall where their bedrooms must be. He paused slightly when he saw you there and gave you a small smile. You weren't really sure what that meant. He didn't seem as pleased to see you as the others but didn't seem unhappy either...more awkward, maybe. Hongjoong had been trying to help you stop and think through the negative thoughts you had and to actively think kinder thoughts about yourself so you tried not to think it was anything personal, like you normally would. Maybe Jongho was just awkward around new people like you were.

As you were contemplating that you reached for your drink on the coffee table, completely missing the target but managing to knock the glass over, spilling all the liquid inside over the table and the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll get something to wipe it up!"

You rushed frantically to the kitchen looking for paper towels or a cloth to clean the spill but Seonghwa was already on the case and getting everything he needed for the job.

"It's okay, Y/N, I'll get it."

"I should clean it, it was my fault." You mentally kicked yourself for not being careful enough.

"You're our guest, it's fine. Don't worry." Seonghwa said with a kind smile.

A memory of your ex looking at you with disgust played through your mind...

"You're so useless. You can't do anything right.”

"I'm sorry, it was just an accident."

"It's only ever me who cares about keeping this place clean - you just go around messing things up. You'd probably be just as happy living in a pigsty. At least that would suit you more."

You must've looked like you were on the verge of an anxiety attack as Hongjoong came over and placed his arm around your shoulders.

"It's okay, Y/N. Breathe."

"I'm sorry, Joong. I should've been more careful. I'm just so clumsy."

"Y/N..." He faced you with a hand on each of your shoulders and looked you straight in the eye, "No one is upset about this. It happens, don't worry."

Seonghwa was already done cleaning up the spill and wiping the area down with a wet cloth so it didn't get sticky. He smiled as he passed you on his way back to the kitchen. You peeked past Hongjoong to the others and no one looked angry or annoyed at your clumsiness...just a little confused at the exchange between Hongjoong and yourself.

They're probably wondering what kind of crazy person they've let into their dorm by now.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." You moved quickly to avoid the curious gaze of the others while Hongjoong called out,

"It's the last door on the left."

Once locked in the bathroom you sat on the lid of the toilet, head in your hands and trying not to let all the panic take over you. You thought it might help to splash cold water on your face except you had make up on.

It doesn't help, though. You might look slightly better with make up on but you'll still look ugly.

At least that's what the voice tells you each time you try to make yourself look more presentable. You might not think you're that attractive in make up but you sure as hell know you look like crap without it.

"Aren't you going to wear make up today?"

"We're only going to see your mother...I'm sure she doesn't care if I don't have any make up on."

"It doesn't seem like you care about how you look either."

That was just one of the many snide comment your ex would make if you didn't feel like wearing make up every now and then. Comments that let you know that he would only find you acceptable with make up and nice clothes.

Sometimes it was something like, "Well, if you don't want to make an effort for me..." that made you feel like you didn't love him enough, that you didn't care if he was happy with you. You'd always end up either going back to put on make up to make him happy or spending the day with him virtually ignoring you just so you knew just how displeased he was with how you looked.

You took a few deep breaths and sighed, forcing yourself up and out the bathroom because it wouldn't do any good to hide in here. That would make them all think you really were a crazy mess.

You paused as you walked down the hall upon hearing one of the guys ask, "Is Y/n okay? Her reaction to spilling her drink was a bit...odd."

"Uh...it's not really my place to say but...it's because of her ex. He wasn't good to her. In fact, he was quite cruel a lot of the time."

There was a pause as you listened but then noises of disgust came from some the boys.

"Oh my god!"

"What a bastard!"

"But she's so sweet...how could he do that?"

"I know." Hongjoong said, "She's come a long way but don't bring it up, please. I don't want her more upset."

You smiled, Hongjoong was the one who was so sweet. He really was your rock and the only one you'd ever really opened up to about it all. Your parents knew your ex wasn't always good to you but you hadn't wanted to upset them by telling them how badly he treated you. Whenever you had been around them or his parents he had been the master of pretending your relationship was great and showing how much he 'loved' you.

As you walked back into sight, the guys went back to chatting or looking at their phones. Mingi and Jongho were arguing over what movie to watch. Jongho wanted horror but Mingi was outright refusing.

Only Joong and Seonghwa took notice of your return as you walked over to them in the kitchen.

"Sorry for making you clean up my mess, Seonghwa."

Seonghwa looked at you with a smile - he really was painfully attractive.

"Y/N...Joong and I live with six massive children. You think these boys aren't constantly making a mess for me to clean up?"

"Okay, I suppose..." You laughed, "...but I'm still sorry that I made you."

"It's nothing, really."

Seonghwa quietly exited the kitchen, leaving you alone with your best friend.

"You okay now?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Just my normal reaction to messing up."

"You don't have to live like that anymore, Y/N." You felt Hongjoong's arms wrap around you comfortingly. "It was his reactions that weren't normal. No one deserves to be made to feel like shit every day and certainly not over silly things like a spilled drink or forgetting to put something away."

You let out a big breath and relaxed into Hongjoong's embrace. Once he felt you had calmed down properly he spoke again.

"Do you wanna go join the guys again? The pizza must almost be here."

********

"You can't do that, Woo!" You exclaimed.

"I can! I've always played like that." the dark-haired boy retorted.

"That is not how you play. I'm not having it." You replied, setting your cards down and picking your phone up to Google the official rules of Uno.

"Y/N, I've been trying to tell him this for six years but we always end up arguing." Yeosang said wearily.

"Yeah." Yunho added, "That's why we never play Uno anymore."

You found the official Uno page and read over the rules until you found what you were after.

"When a person places this card the next player will have to pick up two cards and forfeit their turn." You read word-for-word off the screen. "You have to pick up two cards. You can't just put another plus two card and make me pick up four!"

"Well...that's not how I play." Wooyoung replied stubbornly but you could be just as stubborn.

"Okay then...I just won't play with you if you cheat."

Wooyoung gasped dramatically at the implication of cheating while the others all laughed at your childish interaction.

It felt so good having fun for a change. Spending time with people who seemed to genuinely like you and have fun with you, too. People who weren't constantly looking out for any mistakes you made so they could make you feel like shit.

You'd spent quite a few evenings at the dorm with Hongjoong and the boys and you were slowly starting to relax around them - enough to start arguing over game rules, certainly, but you still had a lot of doubt. Despite your last relationship you still had a tendency to trust too easily because you were desperate for warmth and friendship. The voice in your head had taken the place of your ex, constantly telling you you weren't good enough, that no one could ever want you, you weren't funny or pretty or interesting in any way. So, even though it had the potential to destroy all the progress you'd made so far, you felt yourself trusting them more and more because they seemed so nice and kind. They appeared to accept you for who you were and not judge your looks or size. Laughing at how you and Woo were playfully arguing it appeared like they really liked having you around. You just hoped the voice was wrong and you weren't setting yourself up for more pain when you found out they were just pretending to like you for Hongjoong's sake.

********

You were sitting on the couch in the boys' dorm for another evening of a Netflix series and pizza - Yeosang and Jongho had won the battle this time, it was a horror and Mingi was not happy. Despite your original impression of him being big and intimidating he was actually just a big baby who loved affection just as much as you and right now he was holding on to your hand and squeezing his eyes shut every time the music that signalled something bad was about to happen started playing. You couldn't blame him, though, you were holding his hand just as tight and watching the tv through half-closed eyes so you could shut them quicker if something scary did appear on the screen. Your best friend, Hongjoong, was sitting on your other side, hand lightly resting on your leg in a comforting way because he knew you didn't like scary programmes.

"I still enjoy the storylines even if they do scare me." You'd told him after the episode ended, when he asked you why you still wanted to watch them.

"Do you want the last slice, Y/N?" Mingi asked, holding up the pizza box from the Hawaiian you'd shared again.

"I really shouldn't." You sighed, "You have it."

"What do you mean?" The tall brown-haired boy asked, confused.

"Well..it's alright for you guys to eat a lot because you all dance all day and work it off. You don't get fat from it. I'm just getting bigger and bigger so I need to lose some weight."

"That's stupid." San said, matter-of-factly, "There's nothing wrong with how you are."

You knew San meant well and didn't judge you but when he said 'how you are' it just cemented in your head that 'how you were' wasn't good at all. It was the same as being told you look good 'for your size' - if you weren't overweight he would surely have just said there's nothing wrong with you.

"Thanks, San but I don't feel like I'm fine like this." You said feeling awkward as everyone was looking at you now.

"I can teach you to dance, if you like. It's really good exercise." Yunho offered.

You know their practice room is upstairs, right? You'd probably go through the floor. The voice in your head mocked you.

"You do not want to see me trying to dance." You grimaced at the thought of your clumsy, uncoordinated body lumbering around a practice room.

"You could always come to the gym with me." Jongho said.

It surprised you as Jongho didn't usually talk to you that much and your face must have shown your surprise as he quickly added on, "If you want to, I mean."

From the corner of your eye you saw Wooyoung and Yeosang share a look and smirk and you couldn't help but wonder what that meant. Were they laughing at the thought of you exercising...or how you'd look in gym clothes? You didn't think on it too long, though as Jongho was still waiting, looking awkward.

"I guess?" You answered, except it came out more like a question. "I don't think I'll be very good at it, though. I've never really been to a proper gym."

"That's no problem..." the youngest said excitedly, "I can coach you."

"I don't want to use up all your time, though. You must have other things you want to do and you guys don't get a lot of time off."

"Don't worry, Y/N," Hongjoong told you, "Jongho spends most of his time off at the gym anyway."

"Well...okay then. When do we start?"

********

You stood looking at yourself in the mirror, sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt left over from your last failed attempt at losing weight through exercise. You didn't like the way you looked but there was only one way to change that so you would just have to suck it up and go.

On getting to the gym doors you stopped to take a deep breath. It surely wouldn't be that bad but you couldn't help but worry in case people judged you or laughed at you. It didn't make sense for people to laugh because you were at least there making an effort but you'd seen your fair share of larger people being laughed at for exercising and trying to get fitter but you'd long ago realised that people were cruel. You'd be mocked for being bigger but mocked even more for trying to change it.

At least Jongho would be there to support you... Unless... the voice in your head started...

You don't know him that well...what if he thinks it's funny, too? What if he stands you up and you're left here looking stupid all alone? He might even -

'STOP IT!' You shouted silently at the voice in your head, 'You can't keep making me feel this way! Jongho wouldn't have offered to help if he was going to be mean...Hongjoong's friends aren't like that.

You were going to have to overcome this voice if you were ever going to be able to accept yourself and be happy. You knew that but it was easier said than done because these were all your thoughts about yourself and how people thought of you. If someone like your ex was being cruel and saying derogatory things about you, you could cut them out of your life and their voice would be gone but when it's your own 'voice' degrading you...how do you cut your own cruelty out of your life?

You cut that train of thought short as you could see Jongho inside the gym - surrounded by a vast array of intimidating looking machines - and you didn't want to keep him waiting. This wasn't the time for an personal crisis. It was the time, however, to force yourself through those doors and try to take the first steps towards liking yourself again.

"...five...four...three...two...one. You did it!" Jongho exclcimed happily, grinning at you. You were exhausted already because you just weren't used to this type of activity and you knew you were gonna feel it in the morning.

You and Jongho had only done twenty minutes on the treadmill before he had you using the weights. The machines had looked scary and complicated to you but he assured you he would do all the prep work and help you position yourself right. He helped you test out how much you could lift without causing damage as your muscles weren't used to the strain but he said he didn't want it to feel too easy or there would be no benefit.

"Are you sure I shouldn't be using the cardio machines if I need to lose weight?" You asked Jongho uncertainly, "I don't want to build myself up."

"No." The light brown-haired boy answered sounding very sure of himself, "Too much cardio won't help. You need to stress your muscled to make them kick into burning fat effectively. You won't build lots of muscle because you won't be lifting that much and we'll just be doing short high intensity bursts on each different machine but you will tone up."

You looked at him in awe of his knowledge, Hongjoong must be right, Jongho must spend a lot of time here. You looked over his physique as he was talking to you, he was just in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt but it was enought to hint at the muscled he had underneath that were usually hidden under his normal clothes. You could see that Jongho had a bigger build than the others but you'd not been able to see how well-defined it was before now.

"You'll need to do some cardio before and after, of course, as your warm-up and cool-down or you could damage your muscles...and you don't want that because it could put you out of action for a while and you'll have to build your fitness back up again."

"Oh, okay. Well, you seem to really know what you're doing so just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

He seemed pleased at your assessment of his knowledge because he smiled, allbeit with a slight blush - maybe you'd embarrassed him a little. It occurred to you that this was probably the longest you'd ever spoken to Jongho for so maybe it was just the slight awkwardness that still lingered between the two of you.

"Good, then get yourself settled into the bicep curl and we'll continue with your arms."

********

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...five...four-"

"Hey!" You cried, "You can't do that!"

"Do what?" Jongho asked innocently.

"You can't go back to five when I just got to one...it's not fair!"

Your 'instructor' laughed a little, "It's a standard training technique. You've been doing so well over the last month that I wanted to increase your reps but if I say do fifteen from the start you'd think it too much."

"I would." You agreed.

"But...if I just add another few on while you're already working you'll just continue - well, that's what most trainers find works." He gave you a questioning look and you wondered what he was thinking.

He's thinking you're a lazy, fat cow who can't see hard work through.

'That's not true!' You answered the nasty voice in your head silently, 'I have been working hard.'

"Okay, I'll try." You we're skeptical but you really wanted to show him you could try hard.

Jongho smiled at you and you couldn't help but want to do your best when he flashed you his cute, gummy grin.

"Great, let's go again! Ten..."

********

Your muscles were so tight the next day after Jongho had increased the workload and you groaned lightly as you shifted position on the couch in the boys' dorm.

"You okay, Y/N?" Hongjoong wondered as he heard you grumbling to yourself.

"Oh, it's just my legs. Jongho made me work harder yesterday and my muscles are really achy." You looked over to see said boy looking a bit sheepish.

"I'm really good at deep muscle massages." Jongho was already next to you by the time he'd finished his sentence and reaching for you. Alarm bells instantly went off in your head - you didn't want him to touch you. It was enough that he saw you sweating and looking less than dignified at the gym, you didn't want him to be able to feel your flabby legs, as well.

"No!" You virtually shouted as you pulled your legs up under you so fast, ignoring your muscles' complaints.

"I'm sorry." You said in a small voice as Jongho looked confused and - maybe -a little hurt. The other boys were all looking at you, too, having been surprised by your outburst.

"I just...don't really like people touching me much." The apologetic look was clear on your face as you tried to explain so he knew it was your problem and nothing against him.

"It’s okay, I understand that. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." He smiled slightly but you could still see the hint of hurt on his face.

You felt awful. You didn't want Jongho to feel bad about something that was all you but you didn't know how to make it better so you just smiled apologetically back at him. The night continued on but you couldn't deny it felt a little awkward - especially when you saw Jongho look at you out of the corner of his eye when he noticed you let Hongjoong take your hand to hold while you were all watching TV. The gesture was to comfort you because your best friend knew you well enough to know you'd feel uneasy about the unwanted attention you'd brought on yourself.

Out of the eight boys, physical contact was something you only let Hongjoong do because you trusted him not to judge you. You didn't know them well enough yet and trusting people didn't come easy. Again, though, you had to admit that it was nothing to do with what kind of people they were because they really did seem genuinely lovely people. The problem was completely within you. You thought they'd judge your size because you judged it yourself. Thought they might secretly dislike you because you disliked yourself. Wondered why they wanted to hang around with a boring, unattractive girl like you because that's how you saw yourself. Thought they'd be disgusted if they saw or felt how you looked under the baggy clothes you wore because that's exactly how you felt when you saw or touched yourself. If you couldn't even like yourself, how could anyone else?

********

"Jongho..." You panted, struggling to catch your breath, "I can't...do anymore...I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologising?" He asked confused.

"Because I'm failing." Not wanting to meet his eyes you looked down dejectedly. It had been a week since Jongho had increased your workout routine and you were exhausted. You dragged yourself off the treadmill and sat on the seat of the nearest weight machine.

"You're doing great, Y/N."

"No. I'm failing like I do everytime I try to lose weight." You felt tears welling up and were about ready to give up.

You always give up. You're lazy and useless so you might as well do it again.

Jongho frowned and placed one of his hands on each of your shoulders; you went to stand up off the seat and move away from his touch but he wouldn't let you, he was holding you too firmly. He crouched down so he was on your eye level.

"Y/N. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a really tough workout and...I may have pushed you a little too far."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I'm really not." He was trying to get you to look at him but you wouldn't. "We've been here almost every day this week and it's probably too much straight after increasing the workload."

"Really?" Looking up you looked Jongho in the eyes trying to guage if he really meant it or was just being kind to you. His dark brown eyes were staring straight back into yours and you could only see sincerity. It made hope swell a little inside you.

"A lot of people think that the more they do, the fitter they will become but if you take on too much at once you will exhaust yourself. If you're struggling, it's probably your body telling you to slow down and allow yourself to rest."

"You think so? I'm not just a massive failure?"

"No." Jongho chuckled.

But you are massive.

"In fact," he continued, "it's me who should be apologising for letting you do too much. You could've hurt yourself."

"It's okay." You smiled, just happy he didn't think you were useless.

"How about we make sure we only do every other day to allow you resting time inbetween. We'll finish up for today and get showered."

"Sure, thanks Jongho."

You were just turning to go shower when you heard him call out to you in a softer voice than normal.

"Uhh...Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to get a coffee or something when were done here?" He looked a little unsure of himself, which was unusual because here in the gym he always seemed very confident.

"Oh...Uh, sure. I guess we could." You felt quite awkward yourself and you realised again that, although you were spending time with Jongho, you weren't really socialising - too busy concentrating on training. Nerves started to rush through you at the thought of trying to have a conversation with just the two of you but he'd been so kind to help you, you didn't want to say no.

Not wanting to keep him waiting you showered as quick as you could and towel dried your hair, leaving it to dry on it's own. You put on the same kind of baggy clothes you always wore and headed out of the women's changing room to meet him.

Your 'training instructor' smiled warmly at you when you walked over. "I know a nice coffee shop not too far from here, we can go there if you like?"

"I'm fine with wherever you want to go." You told him, smiling shyly.

The two of you walked mostly in silence with just a bit of small talk between you. You weren't sure if Jongho was shy like you or just quieter than the other boys - some of them were so loud they didn't give the others a chance to say much. Maybe he was just the kind of person who didn't feel the need to fill the silence.

Every now and then as you were walking you saw him steal a glance at you from the corner of your eye. You tried not to think it was because he was judging you but that was always your first thought whenever anyone looked at you. You weren't always like this, in fact you used to be confident and get a lot of attention from boys. How you were now was the result of the systematic destructuction of your self-esteem over years. Being constantly told you weren't good enough, attractive enough, thin enough, pretty enough. Being made to feel like no one else would ever want you. You used to like the attention you got but now whenever anyone looked at you, you were sure it was because they were judging how you'd 'let yourself go', as your ex would so often put it. But you'd been doing well with trying to see the positive side so you dismissed those thoughts because why would he ask you to get coffee if he was embarrasssed to be seen with you?

The cafe was one you'd not seen before and you could already see it was pretty just from the outside. It looked more like an independent shop than part of a large chain with old-style signage and the cafe name in italics.

Jongho held the door open and you walked in to find small tables with a little vase set on each one. Inside each vase was a pink flower which complemented the colour of the cushions on the ornate chairs. There were fairy lights hung aroung the cafe which gave it an almost magical feel.

"Wow, this place is really pretty." You breathed as Jongho led you to a vacant table and held out your chair for you. Shyly you thanked him and sat down on the plush seat. It was just as comfy as it looked.

"What would you like?"

"Oh, no, you don't have to get it - I can pay for mine." Before you could even get your purse out of your bag Jongho had reached out to stop you. His hand was warm on yours and - surprisingly to you - you didn't immediately pull away.

"Please, it's no problem. Let me get it." His tone was soft but you could see from the look in his eyes that he had no intention of letting you pay so you reluctanly gave in.

"Okay, if you must. A hot chocolate, please."

"Cream?"

"No, thanks."

Jongho went to place the order and you sighed, you didn't like other people paying for you, especially if you didn't know them well. You remembered all the times your ex would pay for things but then make you feel bad about it. Complaining that you didn't earn enough and that he had to help you out. You had never asked him to and he didn't need to. It was just another way for him to belittle you and make you feel worthless.

As you waited for Jongho you thought about your 'realtionship' with him. At the moment it was only at the gym that you interacted. At the boys' dorm the louder members usually dominated the conversation so, although you did sometimes speak with him, you hadn't had much of a real conversation together. You didn't think you could call him your friend yet but you wanted to be able to. Maybe if you were brave and made the effort you could make a good start today.

The clink of the mugs being placed on the table startled you out of your thoughts.

Jongho laughed a little, "Sorry, did I make you jump?"

"Yeah," A sheepish look crept onto your face, "I was lost in thought."

"Oh? About what?"

"Well...we only really talk at the gym. I was thinking it would be nice to get to know you better outside of exercising."

It wasn't easy for you to put yourself out there even this little bit. In addition to judgement you always expected rejection. Except for Hongjoong you'd never had any good friends. You'd had people who you hung around with but not that you'd call real friends. You'd never felt accepted by the other girls. Rejection was what you feared every time you tried to make friends now.

"I'd really like that." You looked away shyly and blew on your hot chocolate as Jongho smiled brightly at you. You didn't really know where to go from here because it was so unlike you to even start a conversation let alone try to make a friend.

"I'd also really like you to share this red velvet with me." He said, indicating to a ridiculously-sized piece of cake sitting between you on the table.

"Oh, no...I really shouldn't." The cake did look amazing but you'd been so good lately, for once managing to stick to a healthier diet that didn't include your usual excessive amounts of cake and ice cream. You hadn't cut them out completely, just reduced to a normal amount. In addition to exercise, Jongho had helped with dietary advice; telling you not to forbid yourself anything but to balance your intake better. In the past when you cut out treats completely, it had always gone badly. You'd stick to it for a few months then crack and go on a binge. Jongho advised to make sure you get the proper amount of carbs, protein and nutrients to keep a balanced diet and stay healthier.

"Don't make me eat this all on my own...pleeease?" The pout that accompanied his plea was possibly the cutest thing you'd ever seen and definitely not something you could win against.

"Oh, alright. I'll have a little bit." You sighed, giving in to him again. "But only because you looked so cute. Pouting like that is a really dirty tactic, you know."

"I know," Jongho smirked, "...but at least you think I'm cute."

He flashed his signature gummy grin at you and you blushed, looking away. You wondered where on earth that confidence to call him cute even came from but as you sat talking to your training partner you found it amazingly easy to talk to him - comfortable, even. You had thought him shy because he didn't say much around you when the other boys were there but he didn't seem that way now it was just the two of you. He talked about so many different things and carried a lot of the conversation so confidently. He made you feel perfectly at ease and despite your fear of eating in front of other people he even managed to make you forget that, too. He was making you laugh with his terrible 'dad' jokes so much that when he held his fork out for you to take a bite of the moist red velvet cake, you were just too distracted to feel self-conscious.

Even when Jongho guided you out the door with his hand on the small of your back you didn't flinch away, you felt so comfortable with him.

"Wow, I didn't realise we'd been in there so long." Looking around the darkness outside confused you. It hadn't seemed like you were in there for that long.

"It is pretty dark now. I can walk you home...I mean, if you want that, of course." Jongho really was being quite the gentleman today; you idly wondered if this was what he was normally like or if he was just offering out of politeness because of the dark.

"It's okay, I'll be fine. My place isn't too far from here." You didn't want to put him out any more. Your apartment was in the completely opposite direction to the boys'.

"Oh." You weren't sure but he looked almost disappointed. Most likely just worried about you walking alone in the dark. "Well, get some rest before our next session. Be careful walking back."

"I will. Thanks for the hot chocolate...and cake." You smiled and waved before turning and making your way home, feeling really happy for once.

In bed that evening you found yourself going over the days events in your mind again. Not worrying over any errors you made that might make you look stupid, like you normally would but being thinking about Jongho and hoping you could think of him as a proper friend now. He was so kind and patient with you when you were working out at the gym but you had to admit you had much more fun with him afterwards.

You found yourself replaying the meeting in your mind; the silly jokes he made, how he looked so cute when he was trying not to laugh at them himself as he delivered the punchline. His smile really was so pretty.

As usually happened, though, the self-deprecating thought crept back in as you pondered just how good-looking he was and wondered what people must have thought seeing someone like you with someone like him. You really weren't in the same league as him. You could see just how easy it would be to fall for him but that didn't make any difference; it's not like he'd ever like you back. Why would he when he had tons of perfect-looking girls around him to choose from. Backing dancers, other idols, you couldn't compete with a single one of them. Your ex loved to remind you that no one else would ever want you looking like you did but at least if you remembered that and didn't get your hopes up, you couldn't get hurt again when the inevitable rejection came.

#ateex x fem reader #ateez x reader #atzinc #ateez fanfic #ateez angst #ateez jongho #Ateez hongjoong #ateez ot8 #ateez fluff #body shaming #body positive #idol ateez

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lovelivingmydreams · 4 years ago

Text

Thank you guys: TS sides secret dating prank p1

As a thank you to my 230 followers. I decided to write out a concept I brought up a while ago. I know not everyone is here for my sides stuff, I'll write something for OUAT and Voltron too. So here's the first of the two part Sanders sides instalment of my 'secretly dating bet' idea.

Secret but not forbidden

Roman was pouting.

It wasn't very princely and he wasn't proud of it, but he was pouting none the less. Finally he gets Virgil to go on a quest with him and just about everything that could go wrong did.

Now he was dirty and soaked and injured.

“I can't believe you. Why in the world would you even go head to head with a manticore? What were you thinking?” Virgil mumbled as he helped Roman get to the bed in the abandoned cottage they found. Their first lucky break since they left the castle.

“I'm telling you falloutboy. I've fought more ferocious creatures than that and gotten away with barely a scratch… this one just got- argh!” Just then Roman accidentally moved his foot and a vicious sting shot through his body.

Virgil scowled as he took in Roman's pained expression. “Can't you just magic your injuries better? Or do you enjoy making me play nurse?”

Roman let out a flustered scoff at the accusation. “No! It's… I…it’s against the rules!”

Virgil blinked a few times in astonishment. “Rules…?”

Roman lifted his chin in defiance. “Unlike my brother I like to run a world where there is consistency and consequences. Until we get back to my room I’ll have to heal naturally,” he huffed as he turned away dramatically, ready for Virgil to berate him some more… but nothing came.

He turned back to Virgil and found the darker side looking at him thoughtfully.

“What?” he demanded.

Virgil shook his head and focused his attention on Roman's ankle.

“It' just… really mature of you… in your own way…” Virgil muttered as he ever so gently inspected the wound and tested how much movement it could handle.

Roman didn't realize he'd leaned in to see what he was doing until Virgil looked up and the tips of their noses came a hair’s width apart.

They both leaned back as fast as they could. Without another word, Virgil scrambled to his feet to get a fire started to warm them both up.

Roman took the time to consider the day’s events. If he was honest most of his misfortunes, with the exception of the unexpected downpour that had forced them to seek shelter, had one and the same cause. He had been distracted.

And not just today. He'd been noticing his tendency to get lost in thought when he was around a specific side a few weeks ago.

“I found some dry blankets,” Virgil announced, not quiet looking at him as he laid one next to Roman, another already wrapped around his own frame.

“Give me your cloak and stuff, I’ll lay it out to dry.”

Roman really, really wanted to protest, but he felt that would give him away so he just got it over with as fast as possible. And honestly, the warm blanket was worth the mild embarrassment.

Virgil sat down next to him.

“Your horses wouldn't happen to be the kind that always return in the end would they?”

Roman chuckled humorlessly. “They're not supposed to run off with all our supplies while we refill our canteens in the first place…” he should have tied them down better, but he had seen them brave much worse threats than a stray viper and he'd wanted to join Virgil at the river as soon as he could.

“I don't get it it's as if the entire realm…” then it clicked. “Oh…”

“Is that a good ‘Oh’ or a bad one?” Virgil asked tensely.

Roman blushed and looked back at his companion. “I… the imagination is playing out a different story than I thought… it's forcing us to follow the narrative.” His kingdom was trying to set him up.

“So you know what to do?” Virgil looked relieved. Roman was terrified.

“Yes. If I am right… well we could be home within the hour.” But everything would be different.

“That's great… isn't it?” Virgil picked up on Roman’s nervousness. Well, if he was going to risk it all he better go all in.

He took a deep breath and allowed his face to be soft, his eyes admiring, to show how he truly felt around his former adversary. He gently took Virgil's hand in his.

“Thank you, for saving me from the manticore… I am continuously astounded by your courage.”

Virgil blushed under Roman's praise and intense gaze, but he didn't look away.

“Virgil you are… I…” suddenly Roman felt soft lips gently touching his. The moment was over so fast he almost thought he might have imagined it. But then Virgil spoke. “Me too.”

Roman was ecstatic. He swiftly took hold of Virgil's face and kissed him properly.

And just when they parted they heard horses outside and a voice calling out for them.

“Deus ex machina?” Virgil scoffed dryly. The grin on his face took away from it though.

“Looks like we brought the story to it’s desired end. So… just to be clear…”

“Ugh. You want to hear me say it don't you?” Virgil complained.

“By the gods no. Not unless you want to. Just… we are officially dating, right?”

Virgil sighed. “Yes Princey. We're official. Now let's see about getting back so we can tell the others. Pat is going to freak!” Roman chuckled and let Virgil pull him up.

The man who'd followed their horses to their refuge had brought fresh clothes and some pain soothing herbs that would let Roman get home without too much trouble.

On their way Roman thought about everyone’s reactions… and out of nowhere he got an idea for an interesting once in a lifetime prank.

“Virgil?”

Virgil chuckled. “What? One kiss and you’ve got no more clever nicknames?” he teased.

Roman chuckled. “I have plenty don't you worry my dark knight in patched up armor. But I was wondering… what if we didn't tell anyone?”

Virgil grew silent. “you… don't want the others to know?” he asked tensely.

“My dear angel of darkness, I would love to shout from the rooftops that you are mine. But… what if we let them figure it out on their own?”

Virgil’s guarded expression immediately gave way to a mischievous gleam.

“Want to make it interesting?”

Roman was glad Virgil seemed on board. “I’m listening."

“Whoever does the thing that makes everyone realize we’re together has to plan our first official date.”

Roman nodded. “Alright, but some ground rules. We can’t straight up lie. And Remus doesn't count.” Virgil grinned wickedly. Already imagining the harmless chaos they were about to cause.

“Deal.” And with that they arrived at the gateway.

If the others noticed a difference when they got back, none of them mentioned it. To be fair their banter had steadily grown more and more flirty even before they confessed so the change might not raise any suspicion.

In all honesty it made their little game more exciting. They kept pushing the line of what they could get away with. Roman especially had a blast finding excuses to get close to Virgil and touch him casually in front of the others. His favorite was when one morning he took full advantage of Virgil's habit to sit on the kitchen counter for breakfast.

He stepped up to him and reached overh his head to get in the spice cabinet. He looked down at Virgil with a pleased grin when he noticed his boyfriend struggle to keep himself from checking him out. His sleepatire was much more casual and while he usually never left his room unless impeccably dressed and completely groomed, today he hadn't even combed his hair. Roman had found that Virgil had yet to deem any look on him unattractive and it had done wonders for his self image. So he let himself relax a little when it came to his appearance and man was it paying off.

"Eres tan lindo," he whispered lowly before stepping away, leaving Virgil to compose himself. Logan, who was reading the newspaper at the table didn't even spare them a glance.

While Roman liked proximity and sweet nothings as his hints to the others Virgil set up inuendo's and jumped on every opportunity to imply their relationship, remaining vague enough to be written of as something else.

"We both know who you think is the hottest of all of us. Fairest of them all, if you will, a hot topic..." he grinned during a game of truth or dare where Patton had dared Roman to give complement cards to the side they fit best with in his opinion.

Roman just threw up his hands and conceded.

“You got me there short, dark and handsome.” The jab at Virgil's height earned him a pillow to the face. And once again they flew straight under the radar.

The first real close call came from Remus. As expected honestly...

“Come on! I get why you are nit a fan of the classic princes, but Naveen and Tiana?!” Roman exclaimed gesturing to the paused screen that showed off the couple in question during their first wedding. They were sitting on the floor of Roman's room, cuddling underneath a blanket fort. Virgil had ran in earlier because he'd felt an attack coming up and wanted his boyfriend with him.

Once he'd calmed down Roman had made them both comfortable and got them some comfort snacks.

“They are fine. Tiana and Megara are my favorite Disney ladies. And Naveen is a well meaning airhead who can handle being humbled by a far more competent woman. But that,” Virgil gestured wildly at the screen. “Is not the best Disney kiss.”

“Alright. Then what is?” Roman demanded. Ready to defend this one. It was earned it came with magnificent outfits and the dialogue!

“This,” Virgil purred before laying one on Roman.

It was short and sweet and perfect. When Virgil pulled back he found his boyfriend looking rather pleased with himself. “What?”

“’So what you are saying is, I’m a Disney Prince?”

Virgil chuckled. “Well Thomas stole the show in a Disney production twice. And you are a Prince so…” Virgil didn't het to add anything else because Roman was now kissing him. It was a happy kiss. Playful and light but also earnest and…

“Roma…” when the door burst open they parted ways. Remus was balancing a pile of papers, props and fabrics related to whatever elaborate prank he’d come up with and didn't look at them in time to see them making out. But their position was far from platonic.

His eyes widened, he dropped everything and ran of screeching.

“Rude,” Roman muttered looking at the chaos his brother left behind.

“Leave it. He can clean it up himself. Let's finish the movie. Next one's my pick,” Virgil suggested, sitting back upright in a slightly less compromising position.

Roman considered going after Remus for a second. But he'd probably come back of his own accord.

And indeed. They'd only just settled back in after putting on Treasure Planet when the door flew open.

“See!?” Remus screeched gesturing to them in their fort.

He was talking to Janus, Patton and Logan who were taking in the scene.

“Did I misunderstand? Based of the description you provided I was under the impression we would find them in at the very least a state of undress.”

Virgil burst out laughing while Roman gasped scandalized.

“I'd never! Not without proper courting! Patton did I ever ask your permission to win Virgil' affections?”

“Pardon?” Virgil asked no longer laughing.

“If I were to ask you out it wouldn't be very princely to do so without Padre's approval,” Roman explained casually. "Then I’d ask you for the honor of taking you on a date.” Roman then turned back to their audience so he could pretend he wasn't aware of Virgil's blush.

“What exactly did he drag you lot here for?” he asked, sounding like he didn't even care.

“According to him you two were ‘going at it’?” Janus drawled narrowing his eyes at Roman. The snake might not approve of them. But Roman didn't really care about his opinion so it was fine.

Virgil groaned. “I… needed to calm down. Roman helped me out and we started watching Disney movies. We were not planning to do anything above a pg rating.”

“Oh… well… we'll let you get back to that then…” Patton smiled though he looked disappointed. Virgil was pretty sure he was rooting for them.

“Thanks Popstar,” he sighed relieved as Patton ushered the others outside. “Remus! Get your stuff to your side of the room at least!” Roman called after his brother. Remus reappeared in the doorframe with a pout. He started picking up his stuff as the door closed behind him.

Suddenly he heard Roman and Virgil chuckle. He looked up and they looked a lot cozier. Roman even kissed Virgil' hair. Dropping everything once more he jumped up and down pointing at them accusingly. “I knew it!” he screeched.

“If only your mind hadn't been in the gutter. Then it wouldn't have been so easy to keep it secret,” Roman grinned, relishing just a little in his brother's frustration.

“Your little stunt could've lost you the bet though,” Virgil countered.

Remus looked lost so Roman and Virgil explained the bet to him.

“So… what are you going to do? Tell everyone we're an item. Or help us?”

Remus grinned at his brother and his childhood friend.

"Let’s sow some chaos.”

@slytherin-halfblood you wanted to read something like this so here you go.

Part 2

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #ts sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #secretly dating #but fun #prinxiety

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diveronarpg · 6 years ago

Photo

Congratulations, JULIE! You’ve been accepted for the role of ORSINO. Admin Kaitlin: Honestly, from the moment you opened your application with the line ‘He’s got that appropriate “looks-at-you-like-you’re-dirt-on-his-shoe” appearance.’ I was fairly sold on the whole ordeal. I loved the acidic quality that you brought to him--comparing him to a serrated blade, his sharp-edged privilege, the way he paints himself in gold. I just. All of it. All of this. I was on my toes from start to finish, and I can’t wait for him to grace our dashes. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Julie Age | 19 Preferred Pronouns | She/her Activity Level | I’d give it an 6/10, honestly, with a standard deviation of two. I’m a full time college student and I work on the weekends, but I’m pretty good at time management and the queue is my best friend. I’m more likely to be active on weekday evenings than I am weekends because my job likes to run me ragged (hurray, retail! My soul is slowly being sucked out of my body). Timezone | MST

In Character

Character | Orsino / Orion Massetti. I’m good with holding onto Ben Barnes for a faceclaim! He’s got that appropriate “looks-at-you-like-you’re-dirt-on-his-shoe” appearance.

What drew you to this character? | When I read over Orion’s skeleton, I was immediately enthralled. He checks off the list for every perceivable stereotype that comes with characters like his: he’s beautiful, gluttonous, and sharp as a knife. But the further I read, the more I figured that he could be so much more. He embodies certain tropes and turns them on their heads at the same time - he’s charming and he’s incredibly private. He’s physically alluring and keeps an emotional distance. He’s ambitious and inherently ambivalent about his loyalties. At first glance he seems like a man who’s willing to lie and cheat to claw his way to the top, but he’s relatively content, so long as someone is paying him. His staple of honesty is something that humanizes him - turns him from a modern day Liber into a man who knows better than to lie, even if that particular habit is brought on by years of getting spun gold shoved into his arms whenever he has so much as a bad day. It’s something that that keeps him tied down to the earth, even when he thinks he’s above the rest.

Orion is apathetic and the exact opposite of ascetic: he indulges until he can’t, and then he indulges more, and in a way I think that’s a tool for other people to use. He’s a blade, with red dripping off the serrated edge, and he knows he’s beautiful even in the wake of bloodshed, quiet or violent. To this extent, everything about Orion can be weaponized, and I think he knows it, even when he wishes he didn’t. His parents played into forging a weapon more than they probably realized simply by never saying no: when someone who doesn’t understand rejection is turned away, they get even. While he’s not a man usually compelled towards revenge (why risk something important over petty matters?), he knows there are other ways to get people to do what you want. He’s also incredibly biased: why would anyone live any other life besides the one he has? He’s divine, he’s beautiful, he’s chaotic and controlled all at once. He’s chipped away at the marble and ended up with something statuesque. It’s what people see on the surface of Verona: beautiful stone, beautiful people, beautiful lives, carved to perfection, without any clue of what’s hiding underneath the surface. I want to dig at what Orion’s got underneath the fabrication of how he presents himself. The juxtaposition between a man who so clearly wants for nothing and still feels he should have everything is so fascinating to me. (And there’s an interesting thought: what does he actually want, beyond the material or physical?) He’s one of those people that you want to hate, that you should hate, but there’s something compelling about him regardless. In that sense he’s almost like a caricature of the art pieces he admires so much.

I usually don’t write characters like Orion. I tend to gravitate towards muses who are softer, less sharp, more one-sided. They’re one way or the other, and Orion defies that just by how other people look at him and perceive him. I think getting into the nitty-gritty of someone who knows of shame or guilt (or grief, to a degree) but has never had to hold hands with or lay in bed with it is a chance for me to grow out of my comfort zone and do something great. Orion lives deliciously because he knows he can, and I want to take all that away from him at some point.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

AS BLACK AS VULCAN. It takes time to make a man into something he wants the world to see, and that image is incredibly important to him. He’s spent years and years pouring time, effort, and money into his outward appearance. Orion displays himself openly as something shiny and golden, with a Midas touch to go with it. He comes from privilege, he’s still privileged, and he knows it, unashamedly. I’d love to see Orion knocked down a peg, whether that be through his unchecked ego or his actual physical appearance. A scuffed Orion is an unhappy one, and how he might eventually retaliate (either through betrayal on a larger scale or something small and minor like a secret clutched close to the chest) is super compelling to me!

I’LL SACRIFICE THE LAMB THAT I DO LOVE. Given that he tends to very personally closed off, in spite of (or, in some cases, because of) his honesty, I think a relationship that Orion cannot seem to get away from could be fun to explore. He doesn’t like being attached, in spite of how some in Verona cling to him like remora fish, but it does happen, and when he’s involved in someone well enough, it can be difficult for him to separate. I don’t know that he ever quite learned the appropriate idea of what love or a healthy relationship looked like from people like his parents, who connected adoration with throwing money at the problem until it was happy, either at each other or their own son. This is something he really struggles with. Alliances and relationships are two completely separate things in his mind, in spite of what others might feel. Loyalty as a whole is a concept Orion doesn’t get. Whether this connection is a friendship he cherishes or something more romantic, I want someone to get underneath his skin enough that he can’t seem to get them out.

Alternatively, Orion could get in the middle of someone else’s relationship, just for the fun of it, or under orders. People drift towards him for a reason. He’s torn couples and families apart before, with a strange sort of severity and calculation, and I’m sure he’s willing to do it again if he’s bored enough.

IS THIS THE MADMAN? Orion’s not particularly secretive about his wavering allegiance to one side or the other. Sure, he might not say it aloud, but his actions say enough. He toes the line all the time, and at some point, it’s going to have to go one way or the other - he’s going to have to pick a side if he wants any sort of meaningful involvement (and he does, because he adores the attention). At some point I’d love to have his loyalties tested for good, whether it be as a punishment or at a crisis point in his arc, which might impact him more than anything else. There’s also the possibility of someone calling him out on his tendency to swing one way or another depending on the weather. That’s definitely enough to ask questions: why isn’t he loyal, compared to others? What will it take to get that sort of cold-blooded loyalty? Why even bother trusting Orion in the first place, if there’s any chance at all it could end badly for everyone involved?

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | I think it could make sense just from reading his skeleton, but I won’t lie. Just from filling out this audition I’m already attached. I’d love to get to know him and write him a bit first, and see where it goes, though, so…yes, probably!

In Depth

What is your favorite place in Verona?

He pulls the cup away from his lips, sets it down. Long fingers trace the rim of the saucer as he considers an answer. The Phoenix and the Turtle’s not quite moving this time of day, and he’s enjoying the relative quiet while he can. Orion’s head is pounding in something reminiscent of a hangover, and he wishes he’d taken something for it before heading out for the day. He’ll sneak something later, he’s sure of it.

Dark eyes move up. The interviewer is tinted a muted green in the gloss of his sunglasses, and he’s more than thankful for that — they can’t see the bloodshot eyes, or how he’s looking them over. It’s near habit by now for him to pick out small imperfections in faces. The bridge of their nose is a bit crooked, their cheekbones a bit too low, and they’ve got a scar above their lip that pulls when they speak. Not unattractive, but he has to wonder: do those marks bother them? Could he make them squirm if he brought them up?

His favorite places are usually the one he frequents most, and where he’d fallen into last night was no exception. If he closes his eyes, he can still recall the easy movement of human beings in sync, stretched out like content cats over chairs. “Have you ever been to the Twelfth Night Museum? It’s incredible, turns into a lounge at night, called the Tempest. You haven’t danced until you’ve tried to waltz with a statue.” Among other things, he’s sure; who’s to say what people get up to when they’re three sheets to the wind? Another passing glance. They’ve got nice hair, a flattering jawline, pretty color in their cheeks. Would look good underneath his sheets. He smiles, and it’s near blinding to look at. “We should go together, sometime. I think you’d like it, cultured individual like yourself. And then you can show me your favorite place in Verona.” He leans back in the chair, comfortable, at ease with himself: one leg crossed over the other, breathing slow and calm. He shifts the saucer half an inch, smirk settling into something casual. “I’ve been a patron of the arts since I was young. Less actual physical art, and more acting, but I can appreciate the prettier things in life. It’s a good spot to do some appreciating, if you catch my meaning.”

What does your typical day look like?

An easy laugh bubbles out of Orion, water from a brook, and he finally reaches up to remove his glasses. They’re set down on the surface of the table, and he’s careful with them — prescription isn’t cheap, and he cares more for his belongings than he does most people. Money doesn’t matter much in the way of things, but he’s not a fan of breaking things left and right like he had when he was young. “You’re being graced with my presence,” the dripping tones of sarcasm, “and you want to talk about the day to day? You’re kidding.” He’s careful not to shift his expression too much, doesn’t want to put them off. But there are so many better things he could be doing with his time, and he’s already running through the list in his head: clothes on the bed, drawers to be reorganized, eggs and milk for the fridge. Guns to ship out, crates to check, people to intimidate. It goes on. He pulls another sip from his cup.

“Same as you, I’d be willing to bet,” he winks, and the interviewer mirrors his grin, shifts in their seat. Good. He’s sure he has them wrapped around his finger, then. Best to make this go quickly. “I get up, go for a run, shower, and go to work. Sometimes, if I’m feeling especially risque, I’ll wake up early. Don’t I lead an exciting life?” There’s more to be said, sure. People do the same damn thing every day. Creature comforts, he thinks, and there’s no doubt Orion has his own. But routines and cycles and processes are boring. “In my free time I’ll dance, act, attend plays, that sort of thing. I visit the Cathedral when I can, but there seems to be less of that these days than I’d like.” It’s not a lie, necessarily. He just doesn’t attend to worship. No point in it, he thinks. “Do you pray?” It’s a polite sort of question, one he breezes past before they can even get a word out to answer. “I’m usually in bed around eleven. Quick to bed, quick to rise. It’s what my father always said.”

What has been your biggest mistake thus far?

“Strange phrasing. Thus far.” His attention settles on something else: the river, moving slow and easy, as if it doesn’t have anywhere else to be. “I don’t tend to dwell on the past, usually.” Orion would like to think that’s not so strange, but he’s met plenty of people who drown themselves in their regrets. He begins the methodical process of shutting the interviewer out as quickly as he’d pulled them in. People are more intrigued with the enigmatic and well-dressed man than they are the individual who has everything he could want and knows it. Forging himself into a Grecian work of art comes with practiced ease. Tilts his head up just so, angles his chin and jaw in a certain direction, bounces his leg with a one-two-one-two-one rhythm. The small table they’re sitting at begins to shake, and their drinks ripple.

He preaches in favor of honesty, but finds himself at a loss for words, and stalls for time by running his tongue over his top row of teeth. “Not getting to know my parents more while I could, I think.” They don’t speak anymore, and Orion can’t say he dislikes it too much, but it’s natural to wonder. He can see the image of his father now, had inherited his auburn hair and obsidian eyes. They’d stand at the same height, now, but Orion had always held the higher ground even in his youth. So much as a quiet plea for attention was silenced with gentling, a new toy. And then toys had shifted to literature, art pieces, brand name clothing, the best education anyone could offer. Quiet pleas shifted to ever-brewing anger with them. Other things were given up, which most would have only dreamed of. Physical training; he still remembers fencing quite fondly. Acting school, where he’d studied the greatest of the greats and had stolen the stage every time. But by the end of it, when Orion had left with a fortune of inheritance in his pocket, his father had been less of a man and more of a cache to pull from.

His mother was much the same, although he has a startlingly difficult time recalling the features of her face. He’d gotten her softer features, he knows, the sort that draw men and women alike in and ensnare them with the idea of saving a man at turmoil with himself. He watches the interviewer as they scribble notes, and crushes out the temptation to ask them to try and save him. (For a night, or two. Maybe three.) It never works, those attempts, given that he’s never in jeopardy, but people desperately want him to be. He could never love them, not in the way they’d like. His parents had shown him love in the way Midas had shown it for gold, not Eros’ innocent intentions.

“They’re good people. I just don’t…” A long sigh. The interviewer leans in. Orion locks eyes with them, settles a hand on his knee to stop its shaking. “That’s all they are to me. People.”

What has been the most difficult task asked of you?

The cafe’s picking up in traffic by now. It makes sense, but he’s feeling a bit antsy. Neutral ground is neutral ground is neutral ground, sure, but he knows friends and less-than friends when he sees them. He mulls, but not for long. It’s not a simple question, and there’s no simple answer he can give. The first time he’d been told to beat a man near death had certainly been traumatic, but he’d done it. Breaking bones and disrupting cartilage? Acts like spilling blood? They now come to him as smoothly as straightening out his tie in the morning. He can’t say he thinks it arduous at all. There’s no way can he be so candid, so he picks at the cuff-links on his sleeves and hums. “Asked of me, by myself, is… picking out what to wear today. Every day, really.” There’s a more unconcerned tone, here, and the interviewer leans forward, intrigued.

They might be expecting more, something more serious. But he just shrugs his shoulders. “I usually wear Louis Vuitton. It’s what I’m most comfortable in,” he laughs, and they visibly detract, as if made insecure by their lack of trademark apparel. He narrows his eyes, and they shrink even further. Orion sniffs. “I wore Gucci today, though. Only thing I’m not sure about are the shoes.” They match the blue of his wool suit, but there’s no flashy red of the soles that draw attention in the way he likes. “Appearance is everything. It’s all we have to make an impression if there’s no dialogue, I think. So it makes sense to me that it should be difficult.”

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

“It’s all for money and power. I understand them both, I think. Both sides have their points.” The response is immediate, as is his movement: that’s a cue to go. He stands from his seat, brushes off his suit jacket. He owes plenty to the Capulets, and that goes without saying, but the Montagues are plenty rich. He’s not opposed to a change in allegiance for the right price. It’s expected for a man like him to be easily swayed, and he doesn’t usually try to break that particular chain. “Wars don’t last forever. Between you and me, I think things are going to come to a close sooner than the people of Fair Verona think.” He picks up his sunglasses and puts them on in one fluid motion.

“And then it’ll start again, and we’ll go around in an endless cycle until someone else dies. That’s how these things are. Men are greedy until they’re in the grave, and even then some are greedier than others. If it’s not the Capulets and Montagues, it will be other families with grudges to hold.”

He can picture himself now, with a shrine akin to Dionysus’ upon his death. It will be golden, glorious, with red-stained lips and an expensive bottle of wine clutched to the chest as he’s sealed away. He wants to be the best looking man in the room, even in death. He focuses on the interviewer again, and then looks out towards the street. “I’m afraid I have to go. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. Call me, when you get the chance. We’ll go dancing.” Orion departs before they have the chance to protest, crimson flashing with every easy step.

Extras:

Pinterest! An edit! (I would definitely recommend watching this on a smaller screen with some headphones.) A playlist! A mock blog!

#accepted: orsino #accepted

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