#impulsiv

[iamthedisorder]

Ich war auf einmal wieder so impulsiv,

bin wieder in alte Muster verfallen,

konnte garnicht anders,

als aus Emotionen heraus zu handeln,

erneut in ein tiefes Loch zu fallen,

und obwohl ich es nicht will,

alle anderen und mich mit meinen Verhalten,

schlecht zu behandeln.

- iamthedisorder

[feuerundmond]

schwarz/weiß

weiß oder schwarz,

schwarz oder weiß.

jeder hat seine standards.

alles hier hat seinen preis.

von einem extremen zum ander'n,

keine pause dazwischen.

der weg ist kein einfaches wandern,

ehrlich gesagt ist er ziemlich beschissen.

pausenlos,

ein auf und ab,

sitzt in meinem hals wie ein kloß

und hält mich auf trab.

eine stimmung, die schwankt,

die hat doch jeder.

hab mich oft schon bedankt,

für diese worte, die leicht sind wie eine feder.

für sie so leicht auszusprechen,

müssen ja auch nicht erleben,

wie es ist bis zum erbrechen,

etwas stabilität anzustreben.

entweder bin ich zu viel

oder ich bin zu wenig,

hab schon lange verloren mein ziel,

weil dieser scheiß geht schon so ewig.

weiß nicht mehr, wie es sich anfühlt "normal" zu sein,

"normal" zu fühlen,

sind die ereignisse auch noch so klein,

sie riesen emotionen an land spülen.

ein ständiges hin und her,

nie still gestanden,

selbst, wenn ich mich fühle leer,

das chaos wird jedes mal bei mir landen.

alles ist so extrem,

jeder zustand wie ein sturm durch mich fegt.

als würd ich meinen kopf nicht jedes mal anfleh'n,

dass sich dieser sturm wieder legt.

hab keine kontrolle über meine stimmung,

auch nicht über die großen differenzen,

mir gelingt keine eindämmung,

noch gibt es obergrenzen.

hab das gefühl,

dass ich langsam verlier meinen verstand,

für meinen kopf ist das alles nur ein spiel,

doch steh ich mit meinem rücken an der wand.

von einer sekunde auf die nächste,

kann es über mich hereinbrechen,

fühl mich jedes mal wie die schwächste,

und kann mich nicht einmal an der schuldigen rächen.

denn die schuldige bin ich,

niemand sonst,

weil mein kopf mich ständig lässt im stich,

und du es trotzdem abbekommst.

wenn alles wieder zu viel wird,

meine emotionen wieder überkochen,

jedes mal ein teil von mir stirbt

und ich den schmerz spür' bis in die knochen.

ich würde gern aus meiner haut können,

immer angemessen reagieren,

dann würde ich nicht so viele böse wörter für mich kennen

und mich nicht immer degradieren.

selbst, wenn alles in mir still ist,

ist die stille viel zu laut,

sie jeden guten gedanken in mir frisst,

sich dann alles wieder aufstaut.

mein verhalten wäre nicht so impulsiv,

ich weiß, es ist schwer zu glauben,

würd ich nicht fühlen alles so intensiv

und dieser zustand nicht jede kraft würde aus mir saugen.

ich möchte jemand anders sein,

jemand, der sich hat im griff,

jemand, der sich nicht redet so klein

und sich selbst am boden entlang schliff.

stattdessen bin ich wieder viel zu viel

oder eben fast nicht vorhanden,

zusammengefasst einfach labil,

weil die dämonen zu mir hinfanden.

kann nicht sagen wie lang ich mich noch aushalte,

bevor ich den kampf endlich verliere,

bevor ich endgültig zusammenfalte,

und meine emotionen mit mir einfriere.

- feuerundmond, 08.03.2024

[plants-in-my-soul]

Impulsive Anfälle sind so mit der wiederlichste Scheiß, den man jemandem antun kann. Es verletzt nur & reflektiert erst im nachhinein. Und ich wünschte, ich könnte es rückgängig machen, einen lieben Menschen getriggert zu haben, weil ich getriggert war. Das ist weder groß von mir, noch groß reflektiert oder fair oder stabil.

[marimule]

Not just almost….

(It’s a nice song btw)

[nonadjacent]

i let my moderately impulsive thoughts win i made a self-projected character ai bot of wagyu i can finally sleep well tonight

[a-local-fool]

is it a symptom of adhd to have one (1) impulsive thought and then try to give yourself a pixie cut with craft scissors in the bathroom?

[neurodivergent-and-mentally-ill]

TW: Yandere shit, probably dead dove, don't read under this cut if you can't handle gore or manipulations or mentions of, well, death.

I got the definitions from a friend who copied them from I don't really know where, but I think it's someone from Tumblr.

Types of yanderes:

Clingy:

This Yandere type is too emotionally dependent on their Darling. They’re emotionally fragile; requiring constant attention and support. They’re the type to constantly phone and text their Darling, and they can feel overwhelmed if the subject of their clinginess isn’t around. They work to insert themselves into their beloved’s personal life and become very angry when their Darling is not available to them. Their smothering is draining.

Obsessive:

This Yandere type is fixated; their Darling is the only thing on their mind, and it’s taking over. The obsessive Yandere is a prisoner to their own thoughts. Their obsession leads to poor eating, sleeping habits and withdrawal from society. They’re the type to spend so much time fantasizing about the relationship they could have and how it might evolve: that first meeting, a rescue scenario, being the one person their Darling trusts with their most intimate secrets, an instant bond and connection, sexual fantasies, etc. This is typically the type stalkers fall into.

Possessive:

This Yandere type needs to own and dominate their Darling. They become aggressive if their ownership is threatened and grow angry if their Darling makes independent decisions. They want the Darling utterly dependent on them and they will remove all of their safety nets to do so: friends and family members who support them, financial assets and savings, much-needed resources, etc. 

Manipulative:

This Yandere type will exercise unscrupulous control and influence over their Darling. This is the type of Yandere were their relationship with their Darling will appear normal. If their Darling is already in a relationship, they will use a position of trust to create wedges between in that relationship. And once they are together, the Yandere will do everything to stop them from leaving, from encouraging co-dependence to using their Darling’s secrets and weaknesses against them.

Overprotective:

This Yandere type is inclined to safeguard, shield, or carefully supervise their Darling to an obsessive degree. They never leave their Darling alone, and they don’t know how to balance their concern with respect for their Darling’s independence and freedom. They believe they’re acting in their beloved’s best interest, but they come across as overbearing, bossy, or controlling.

Sadistic:

This Yandere type will intentionally cause suffering by bringing about emotional or physical harm to their Darling and will derive pleasure from doing so. They’re the type to spreading rumors and lies about their Darling to isolate them. Or let their Darling escape only to dash their hopes by re-capturing them. They’re fascinated with the physical, mental, and emotional limitations of their Darling and how to reach them. They just want to watch their beloved squirm under their control.

Delusional:

This Yandere type holds the belief or impressions that their Darling already loves them, which is typically contradicted by reality. They take their Darling’s actions the wrong way; if they do something out of kindness, the Yandere will think it’s out of love. If their Darling says they don’t love the Yandere, they’ll think it’s all lies, or they’re Darling is just shy. Their love distorts the reality they perceive. 

Self-indulgent:

This Yandere type wants to be worshipped by their Darling. They’re selfish, satisfying their own desires and whims without restraint. They act according to what they want rather than thinking of what’s best for themselves or others. They want their Darling to pamper them and often express impatience when gratification is delayed. They have a “me first” attitude and become disgruntled when having to do something that isn’t on their agenda.

Impulsive:

This Yandere type acts on desires, whims, or inclination without forethought, which makes them one of the more dangerous ones. They act in response to their emotions and don’t always think about how their actions can affect others. They are also prone to erratic mood changes, overreacting, outbursts, kidnapping, murder and the list goes on. A positive side would be their transparency; they tend not to think before thinking, so they tend to be honest.

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HEARTSLABYUL

🌹🌹🌹

Name: Riddle Rosehearts

Class: 2-E

Type: Pretty obvious, but Riddle is an Overprotective Yandere. He will dictate your every move because he believes that he knows what's best for you. 

Scale from 1-10: Not gonna lie, with the mommy issues and his strict, unrelenting personality, he'd be a 8/10. The only reason he isn't a 10 is because he doesn't want to be exactly like his mom. Sure he'd basically never let you out of his sight, but he wouldn't hurt you. Riddle would restrain you, at most, by putting a collar with a lead around your neck at all times. See how caring he is?

Whether he would kill: Absolutely, if it means you'll listen to his rules.

Whether he would share: Maybe, just maybe, with Trey. Other than him? NO. 

How much freedom you are allowed: He doesn't want unruly troublemakers like Ace or Grim around you, so you'll probably be put on a schedule much like how he keeps one for himself.

Habits: Brushing your hair (if you have any), dressing you up, feeding you small cakes.

Escape attempt (successful): "NO! Nononono, I can't lose my rose! I'll find you, and when I do, I'll strip you of your thorns once and for all! You'll have no choice but to stay with me! I'll never let you out of my sight again!"

Escape attempt (failed): "Ha! Oh, how careless of you, rosebud! You thought you could escape from the Queen of Hearts? For your treason, it's OFF WITH YOUR HEAD- ah... no, I could never hurt you... it must have been those rulebreakers who put such thoughts in your head!"

♣️♣️♣️

Name: Trey Clover

Class: 3-E

Type: Manipulative all the way. He's highly intelligent and with his signature spell, anything you eat could be laced with a potion of some sort that might influence how you see him and/or other people.

Scale: Trey is not a character I'm all too familiar with, but since he's using stuff to mess with our brains, he's getting put at a sold 9/10.

Whether he would kill: He could kill. With his spell, no matter what kind of autopsy they do on the body, they won't find a damn thing. And he makes sure you know of this. But in reality, he probably wouldn't. Probably.

Whether he would share: Although he isn't one to get jealous or violent easily, that doesn't mean he's willing to share.

How much freedom you are allowed: It would depend on your behavior and how dependent you are to him. If you're deep into his manipulations, you might not want to leave his side due to his intoxicated sweets.

Habits: Feeding you, kissing the top of your head, rubbing your thighs.

Escape attempt (successful): "Oh dear... it seems my rabbit has fled. I'll need to bring them home before they get hurt and feed them something that'll ensure they have a good night's rest."

Escape attempt (fail): "Where are you going, dear? You haven't even touched your dinner. No, no, it's not safe for you to go alone. Why don't I bring you something that will make you forget about this silly self-dependency?"

♦️♦️♦️

Name: Cater Diamond

Class: 3-B

Type: Clingy-Obsessive. Cater would stalk you constantly, has a wall with your pictures, and probably has a couple of your items, but nothing too bad like your underwear. It's easy for him to keep an eye at you 24/7 because of his unique magic, which allows him to make clones of himself. He needs your constant validation and attention like a whiny puppy.

Scale: Honestly, Cater is about a 5/10. He won't hurt you, but he would hurt himself if you ever tried to leave. He has his clones to keep an eye on you and he's more likely to break into your house to cuddle with you, rather than 'punish' you for looking at other people.

Whether he would kill: No, he'd more likely ruin their social life to keep a person away from you.

Whether he would share: He doesn't really want to give your attention up for another person, but if it would make you happy and if it was someone he was comfortable around, I guess.

How much freedom you are allowed: You are allowed complete freedom, but that's only because he can find you at any given time.

Habits: Taking erotic pictures of you, randomly pulling you toward him in hugs.

Escape attempt (successful): "B-babe? Where are you?! Babe!" *sobs and calls you, but goes straight to voicemail and leaves this*. "If you leave me, I'm going to kill myself! I'll drive off the bridge! And I'll let the entire world know that it's your fault!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Where are you going, baby? Y-you're not leaving me, right? You can't! I'll follow you wherever you go! I'll treat you better than anyone else ever could and if you plan on leaving, I'm going to slit my wrists!"

❤❤❤

Name: Ace Trappola

Class: 1-A

Type: Ace, despite always trying to push his work on others, is actually very smart and knows how to play people. He'd probably be another manipulative one, but with a sprinkle of possessiveness. Not too much, just to the point where you understand that you are Ace's.

Scale: 6/10 like Trey, although Ace would actually leave a couple bruises if you piss him off, but nothing more than that.

Whether he would kill: Unlikely. If he was really pissed off, he'd probably beat you instead and would choke you out for a good couple minutes before letting go and dragging you to his place to clean you up, apologize, gaslight you, etc.

Whether he would share: Nah. Ace is a greedy little shit, he don't want no one getting handsy with you.

How much freedom you are allowed: Enough for classes, since you share most of them, but other than his time at basketball practice and games, he's with you.

Habits: Putting an arm on your shoulder to remind you who's boss, hug you from behind.

Escape attempt (successful): "Where the fuck are you?! If you think that someone other than me is going to love you the way you are, you're WRONG! So just come home now and I promise I won't be too mad. After all, I'm the only one who cares about a nobody like you."

Escape attempt (fail): Slap! "Did you really think that you could run away from me?! You fucking idiot, I'm way more athletic than an average chump like you! What, you thought that someone would take you in out of pity? Not a chance. Don't worry though, I'll never stray from you."

♠️♠️♠️

Name: Deuce Spade

Class: 1-A

Type: Impulsive Overprotector. He thinks everyone is a potential threat to you and flies off the handle if someone so much as rolls their eyes at you.

Scale: 7/10

Whether he would kill: No, but he could- and would -definitely send people to the hospital.

Whether he would share: Nope! Big no! Any potential partner addition you bring will leave your place as minced meat.

How much freedom you are allowed: Deuce does not want to hurt you at all if he can help it, so you can go anywhere as long as he can go with you. When in familiar places, like NRC, he's less prone to jealousy and won't tail you. Same goes for when you're with friends. He knows you won't cheat because he will send whoever you've been seeing to the emergency room.

Habits: Loves cuddling, going for rides together in his blastcycle, and overall just enjoys your company. He's a simple man.

Escape attempt (successful): "Shit! Prefect, come back! It's not safe for a weakling like you, damn it! I'll get you back safe and sound in my arms even if it means breaking a couple bones. That'll teach you to run from your guardian!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Where the hell do you think you're going? You're seeing him again?! I'll break his face if you leave this room! Oh? You want to stay and watch a movie with me instead? Good idea."

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SAVANACLAW

🦁🦁🦁

Name: Leona Kingscholar

Class: 3-A

Type: Leona would be a hell-spawn mix of possessive, manipulative, and self-indulgent. Yup. Being rich and crazy does something to ya.

Scale: 10/10. Leona would spare no expense to get you and control you. Being a prince, he'd easily use money to his advantage and force you to be financially dependent on him and he'd basically treat you like a toy, but also expect you to indulge in his every whim and fancy. He would want you to worship him and praise him constantly.

Whether he would kill: Absolutely if it means getting you in his claws.

Whether he would share: Absolutely not! And if you look at someone too long, poof! They're turned to sand.

How much freedom you are allowed: Zero freedom, almost zero privacy. No showers alone, no changing without him, no sleeping alone. You can guess the ONE thing you can do alone.

Habits: Grabbing your ass out of nowhere just because he can. It don't matter if people are around, what the hell are they gonna say to a prince? He probably has a public or semi-public kink. And because he's a cat, maybe a piss kink too- (tbh, I don't understand why people find it hot, but I'm not one to kinkshame here)

Escape attempt (successful): "Stupid mouse... do they even realize that I let them leave? Oh, the look on their pretty face is going to be so sweet when they realize that they were played. Heh. Until then, I'll take a nap. Maybe they'll come crawlin' back on their own. It's not like they have anything to their name."

Escape attempt (fail): "Poor little mouse, got yourself cornered without making it past the bedroom door. Let me tell you a little secret; you aren't goin' back home. And if you try to leave again, your friends will become nothing more than a few sandbags, got it? Good. Come lay down before I break your legs."

🍩🍩🍩

Name: Ruggie Bucchi

Class: 2-B

Type: Manipulative and obsessive. Maybe he'll just hang out with you, but oh no, the guy you hate was making fun of you. Somehow, the dude ends up paralyzed from the waist down after jumping off the balcony on the third story.

Scale: 9/10. He's smart and hard to pin down with evidence since he doesn't leave any. Even if you wanted to run away, with his signature spell, you can't. Like it or not, he's your problem now. And you'd be wise to ensure he gets enough attention or he might just shorten your circle of friends.

Whether he would kill: It wouldn't be his first option, but if needed, then yes. 

Whether he would share: Sure, but if the other person gets too bold, Ruggie would cut them out for good. He would probably only share with Leona, but only if Leona helps keep you in place.

How much freedom you are allowed: Considering that Ruggie is far more athletic than you, he has his signature spell, and that he could also just sniff you out, you're allowed a great deal of freedom.

Habits: Burying his face in your neck, asking for head rubs, very touchy-feely.

Escape attempt (successful): "Hah! I won't let you slip away! You're the only one who saw past where I came from! You're not escaping that easy. Time to find out just how hard this hyena can bite, Prefect!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Shishishi! Seeing you try to run away when I can just make you dance my dance is funny! Why don't you laugh with me? Aw, why'd ya stop running? Something the matter? Shishishi..."​​​​​​

🐺🐺🐺

Name: Jack Howl

Class: 1-B

Type: Overprotective-possessive. Like Deuce, he can and will hospitalize somebody, but unlike Deuce, Jack won't snap at random folk giving you a side eye.

Scale: 7/10. He would absolutely beat up someone who made you mad or hurt and probably worse than Deuce. He's much more possessive though. When it comes to trusted friends, not so much, but anyone else? They get a death-glare. And ain't no one wants to mess with a wolf that could break their neck just by squeezing his hand.

Whether he would kill: Only if someone severely hurt you or tried to physically take you from him. 

Whether he would share: Small chance. He's possessive not because he wants to own you or anything, he just doesn't want anyone else to be near you. Wolf instincts or something.

How much freedom you are allowed: Generally, he wants to be near you as much as possible. Wolves are pack animals and beastmen did evolve from the animal they take after, so the instinct that you two need to be together at all times runs strong. Not much time for yourself, really.

Habits: Sniffing you, licking your throat/neck, surprisingly clingy sleeper.

Escape attempt (successful): "GRR! You think you can just run from me?! I'll sniff you out faster than you can blink! Especially when I UNLEASH THE BEAST!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Goin' somewhere? Nah, you're not doin' that- you want to leave me? Fat fucking chance." Picks you up and throws you over his shoulder. "We're gonna go back inside. Stop squirmin' around so much before I break your legs!" (he wouldn't actually)

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OCTAVINELLE

🐙🐙🐙

Name: Azul Ashengrotto

Class: 2-C

Type: Another manipulative mix. He's smart when it comes to people, almost terrifyingly so, but he's also very clingy. He needs you to be around him 24/7 or he'll lose his shit. Probably forced you into a contract one way or another. He'd gaslight you pretty bad, but he'd also worship you to make you think that he's the only one who cares about you. He might also be a little delusional.

Scale: 9/10

Whether he would kill: Azul would say, "coincidence is not correlation."

Whether he would share: Honestly, pulling this boy out of the yandere hat would pretty much guarantee you're getting the Leech twins as well.

How much freedom you are allowed: Between the three of the Octrio? Little to none. But hey, at least you might get some privacy if Azul makes you sign a contract to prevent you from running.

Habits: Probably likes to have you sit in his lap while he's working in his office, dress you up, take long baths together, another cuddle bug.

Escape attempt (successful): "Ha... HAHAHAHAHA! You actually managed to tear up that contract and run! Hah... this won't do. Not. At. All. I'll hide you away from the rest of the world when I get my tentacles on you. You'll never see the light of day again at the bottom of the fucking ocean!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Oh, treasure. How silly of you to try and run! I didn't make you sign that contract for nothing. I have your location at all times, so next time you try something like this, I'll have the twins break your legs. Or better yet, how about I take your legs and trade them for a lovely tail, hm? Let's make a deal."

🍄🍄🍄

Name: Jade Leech

Class: 2-E

Type: Sadistic. This motherfucker would use whips, degrade you in the worst way possible, had a blood kink and probably gets turned on by your tears.

Scale: Most people would think that Floyd would be the more dangerous one, but they're wrong. Jade is a 10/10. I believe that he loves seeing you cry because in the Coral Sea, you can't see tears. Therefore he's fascinated by them. Lucky for you that Azul can just magic your scars away with a deal.

Whether he would kill: Again, can you prove it was him? Hm? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Whether he would share: Again, buy one, get two free with the Octrio.

How much freedom you are allowed: He'd probably give you lots of freedom if only to enjoy stalking you while you were unaware.

Habits: Serving you (whatever you're thinking is right), feeding you his weird ass mushrooms, because he's got the whole butler vibe going on, he loves forcing you into maid outfits (gender doesn't matter).

Escape attempt (successful): "Oya, the latest report on my beloved says- what?! How did they manage to run away? Pfft- clever little minnow, swimming between the cracks of the contract. How fun, this game. I'll have you begging on your knees in no time."

Escape attempt (fail): "Come out, come out wherever you are~ I know you're hiding here somewhere. You couldn't have gotten far with Floyd guarding the exit. Little Pearl, I'll make your punishment light if you come out now... no? Nothing? Good. I like it better when you're begging me to stop anyway." Silence. Then a gloved hand covers your mouth from behind you. "Found you~"

🦐🦐🦐

Name: Floyd Leech

Class: 2-D

Type: Despite what you may think, he's not a sadist like his brother. He's completely impulsive in his actions and prone to violence, but he won't go out of his way to see you tremble underneath him or anything. Unless he was in the mood for that kind of thing. It really depends on his mood.

Scale: Anywhere from a 7 to a 10/10. Some days he might just squeeze and bruise your bones in a very loveable hug, other days... you're getting dragged around by your tie or collar, choked out for pissing him off, bitten all over your body, or maybe he just wants to cuddle for five consecutive hours.

Whether he would kill: Yes and he'd want everyone to know. Jade and Azul hide the evidence and body and/or blackmail whoever they need to.

Whether he would share: If he was in a good mood, yeah, but if he's in a I'm-never-gonna-let-you-leave-my-bed mood, not so much.

How much freedom you are allowed: Depends on how fast you are-

Habits: Literally just picking you up and carrying you around like a doll.

Escape attempt (successful): "Where did Koebi-chan go? I was kinda feelin' down, but a game is the perfect way to go! A game where if I catch Koebi-chan, I'll squeeze them 'til their bones crack and break their legs! Ahahaha! They'll never think about leaving me again!"

Escape attempt (fail): Sigh. "This is no fun, Shrimpy! I'm in the mood for tag, not hide 'n seek!" CRASH! A table is thrown close to where you were hiding, making you back away, the smallest of rustles made. "Oya? Did I scare ya, shrimpy? That's cute. I guess I'll just have to close my eyes and count from one to ten. If you make it out the door, you're free. Ready? One... two... TEN!" You barely had time to stand up, much less run as he went straight from two to ten. "Gotcha~"

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SCARABIA

☀️🌞☀️

Name: Kalim Al-Asim

Class: 2-A

Type: Completely delusional and clingy. He genuinely believes that you love him, you just need to be pampered more. You'll stop fighting if he gets you enough jewels, right?

Scale: Pretty mild, maybe a 4/10. I mean, he won't let you out of his sight and he's the heir to one of, if not the, richest families in the world, so you're not leaving him and he may chain you with a long lead to let you 'adapt to your surroundings', but he would never hurt you. Nor would he let anyone else hurt you.

Whether he would kill: The thought would never even cross his mind. 

Whether he would share: Why would he? He's basically a prince (I know he's not actually one) that has everything he could ever want, why would he start sharing now? Except with Jamil.

How much freedom you are allowed: You can have anything, go anywhere, as long as Kalim and his guards are with you.

Habits: Humming while cuddling you, dancing with you, touching you in some way or form, always hugging you.

Escape attempt (successful): "Guards! Please find my sunshine! Spare no expense, I just want them found and safe! I-I..." Sob. "I promise to be better next time, to give them more attention! So much that they'll never want to leave again!"

Escape attempt (fail): "S-Sunshine, where are you going? I... I don't think I can give you that. I can give you anything else though! I'm sorry, but I think I need to have my guards chain you again. D-don't cry, I promise I won't hurt you! If you don't want that, then maybe a talk with Jamil will help."

🐍🐍🐍

Name: Jamil Viper

Class: 2-C

Type: If you've finished the fourth book, it's pretty obvious that he's a manipulative asshole and because he's used to sharing everything with Kalim, you are his most prized possession that Kalim will never touch. I love him, I really do, but you're gonna be under his control all day, every day.

Scale: 8/10

Whether he would kill: Jamil? Kill? It's not his fault the other people you were talking to killed themselves.

Whether he would share: You are the one damn thing he won't share.

How much freedom you are allowed: Under his unique magic, you won't want to leave his side.

Habits: Making you serve him.

Escape attempt (successful): "A-AGH! NO! You can't leave me! You're mine, my diamond! I didn't want to get that starry-eyed dimwit involved, but you leave me no choice! I'll use my magic on Kalim and get him to initiate a search for you country-wide!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Darling, is there a reason you haven't been looking at my face today? Did the spell wear off? Oh, don't worry; you'll be back to feeling those beautiful emotions again. After all, you love me, right?" You don't get a chance to move before Jamil grabs your face and forces you to look at him, that half second you look into his eyes before closing your own costing you dearly. "Snake charmer."

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POMEFIORE

👑👑👑

Name: Vil Schoenheit

Class: 3-C

Type: Tell me I'm wrong, but Vil would be self-indulgent. He'd put you under a curse (since that's his specialty) and make you adore him. Might be overprotective too. He probably doesn't want anyone to 'taint your purity' or whatever.

Scale: 10/10. What? He tried to murder, or at least curse, Neige, don't tell me this boy ain't a walking inferiority-superiority complex.

Whether he would kill: Uhhh, SCD anyone? Yeah. Vil would.

Whether he would share: Not in a million years. 

How much freedom you are allowed: LMAO, YOU FUCKING WISH!

Habits: Obviously also very touchy, he would dress you to match with him, make you do his skincare routine, force you to bathe together, but he probably won't be as strict about your diet. Only because he doesn't want your crying about losing your favorite snacks to ruin your makeup.

Escape attempt (successful): "Tsk. They must have broken the curse somehow. Or maybe it was one of their nasty little friends. Oh, well. I guess it's time to use something a little... stronger. Let's see you try to run when the only thing in your head is ME!"

Escape attempt (fail): "My cute little potato, trying to run. Before you go, do tell me how much you enjoy this perfume!" Sprays a bottle of perfume he had inflicted a curse onto. "Poor potato, to drop onto the ground so ungracefully. You can't feel your limbs? Darling, you're not supposed to! I'll fix you right up with a cup of tea. It's a special blend, meant to invoke your suppressed desires for me. We'll go back to that picture perfect power couple soon enough."

🏹🏹🏹

Name: Rook Hunt

Class: 3-A

Type: Impulsive and obsessive. This man is, uh, he's something.

Scale: 9/10. He doesn't really want to hurt you physically, but oh how he loves chasing you. And the look on your face when he finds your newest hiding spot? It sends a rush through his body. He also loves 'viewing' you in your 'natural habitat'. Y'know, like a stalker.

Whether he would kill: He prefers the term 'hunting'.

Whether he would share: Sure, if they can take you from him. But even Leona is afraid of this guy while Malleus actively avoids him, so who tf is gonna snatch you back?

How much freedom you are allowed: The freedom you get is when you run. Then he inevitably finds you and ties you up. I don't know, this man is kinky af, okay?

Habits: Like Cater, he has a wall of photos of you. I feel like he'd let you run off on purpose, then he'd hunt you down, or wait until you get caught in one of his traps he set up. Probably has a pet play kink. 

Escape attempt (successful): "My, my... little trickster has certainly lived up to their name! I can't seem to find them anywhere! I suppose it's time to pull out the very last trick in my book! Come, let’s see you try to outrun me. I See You. I'll track you down, one way or another."

Escape attempt (fail): "Got yourself strung up by one of my nets, I see! Ah, perhaps steel was too strong for a magic-less person, I can see where the wiring had cut into your skin. No matter, you're still beautiful to me! In fact, these new scars liken you to a tiger! I'll get you down and we'll have a nice evening game, if you still want to leave. Non? You don't wish to run anymore? Merveilleux! We shall stay in tonight!"

🍎☠️🍎

Name: Epel Felmier

Class: 1-B

Type: Epel was difficult to pinpoint, ngl. I decided that him being an impulsive and clingy yandere fit best, but he's not all that emotionally fragile, so idk. Lmk in the comments if you have better ideas, I guess.

Scale: 2/10. He wants your attention and he loves the feeling of security he gets from being around you, gets a little jelly when you look at other people, but as long as you reassure him that you love him, he'll back off. Might be a little manipulative since he'll probably use his looks to charm and sway you.

Whether he would kill: I could imagine him threatening someone with a cast iron pan like Rapunzel, but killing someone? Nah.

Whether he would share: Just because he's not all aggro does not make him a good yandere. He ain't sharing y'all.

How much freedom you are allowed: Tbh, he'd ask Rook to keep an eye on you when he can't.

Habits: Despite his looks, he's a strong farm boy and I strongly believe he's be able to live a six foot something man over his shoulders easily, so I guess you guys are getting piggybacks for life. He probably wouldn't even break a sweat, lol.

Escape attempt (successful): "Do ya think I'm just some apple pickin' munchkin?! I ain't letting go of ya, even if it means putting you to sleep for eternity! When I find ya, your gonna get one helluva throwdown!"

Escape attempt (fail): "Sugar, are you going somewhere? I don't believe that's proper- huh? You're leaving me?! I don't think so, sugar! I'll be damned if ya think about rollin' around with one of those uptight city folk! Mah family's gonna want to meetcha! Close your eyes, still your breath. Crimson Slumber!"

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IGNIHYDE

💙💀💙

Name: Idia Shroud

Class: 3-B

Type: We already KNOW we got another obsessive stalker on our hands. He's probably super clingy too when he finally picks his balls up from the floor to sniggety snatch you into his fortress. AKA, his room or the Isle of Woe. Probably has a pair of your underwear to jerk off into.

Scale: Idia, since his family is at least as rich as Kalim's, is standing at a solid 8.5/10 if only for the fact that he can make you disappear without a trace.

Whether he would kill: He tried to reset the entire damn world. Can he kill? Bitch, he can fucking genocide.

Whether he would share: It's just gonna be you and his cosplay fetishes for the rest of your life.

How much freedom you are allowed: He's like a touch-starved rabid dog, you ain't got a chance to so much as breathe alone.

Habits: Dude has a whole ass closet of all the skanky cosplays he's gonna put you in LMFAO. 

Escape attempt (successful): "NOOOOOO! I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE ME!" Red flames surrounded him, a burst of fury in physical form. "I'LL FIND YOU! THERE'S NOT A DAMN PLACE IN THE WORLD WHERE YOU CAN HIDE IN THAT S.T.Y.X WON'T REACH!"

Escape attempt (fail): "P-Prefect, why are you trying to leave? I can get you anything you want or if you want to go places, I can just have a replica set up here! There's no reason to l-leave! Besides, I already have our entire future planned out! I got rid of those lame ass side characters just for you!"

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DIASOMNIA

🐉🐉🐉

Name: Malleus Draconia

Class: 3-D

Type: Obviously possessive as all FUCK because he's a dragon fae prince guy dude. Yes, I typed that on purpose.

Scale: 10/10 and I swear if I have to explain why, I'm gonna burst a blood vessel. 

Whether he would kill: No shit, Sherlock. Hell, he'd probably burn the world down just to see you smile.

Whether he would share: You look at someone: they instantly die. They look at you: they instantly die. You sneeze in someone's general direction: they die. That sums up how very generous Tsunotarou is.

How much freedom you are allowed: What's freedom? Never heard of this bitch :D

Habits: Dunno, he probably has a marking kink or a bondage kink or something. I feel like he just needs to have you close by, or lightning will strike the nearest child.

Escape attempt (successful): "FIND THEM BEFORE I DISEMBOWL YOU ALL!" A very furious prince was causing a hurricane with just his anger, making it difficult for you to run. Lightning struck too close for comfort before the wind was knocked out of you as you were thrown back by the blast. "Child of man, hear me speak; should you decide to keep this foolishness up, I will have no choice but to strike you down. You are mine!"

Escape attempt (fail): You ran through a forest, successfully leaving the castle somehow. Then, a crushing pressure surrounded you, making it hard for you to breathe, and you soon realized that it was because you were trapped underneath the talons of a smoking dragon. "You are coming back now and will never leave my sight again. Should you attempt this once more, I will set fire to the entirety of Sage Island."

🦇🦇🦇

Name: Lilia Vanrouge

Class: 3-E

Type: Impulsive, a little sadistic, and definitely obsessed with you. (I am too, you look fine as hell, dear readers-)

Scale: Although it would depend on his whims, the number's aren't too flexible. 8-9/10.

Whether he would kill: Bro's gone to war and back, why the everloving fuck are you asking that? Of course pookie will kill for you!

Whether he would share: Solid nope. 

How much freedom you are allowed: Like Rook, he lives for the chase. He's probably let you be free (when he's not clinging to your side) just to mock you, then snatch you right up when you're expecting it the least.

Habits: Scaring you, probably likes tying you up as well, DEFINITELY bites your neck, might brand you-

Escape attempt (successful): "Khee hee! What fun, this game! I haven't felt this young in centuries! I wonder what kind of expression you'll make this time when I find you? Perhaps you'll start crying? Or try to fight me again? Maybe I'll let you run a little longer, just for the fun of it."

Escape attempt (fail): "Pfft- ahahahaha! The way you screamed when I grabbed you is so delightful!" Almost comically strong arms wrap around your waist from behind. "I have a new toy for you to try. I'm sure you'll enjoy this as much as I do this time."

⚔️💤⚔️

Name: Silver

Class: 2-A

Type: Lowkey would be delusional. I mean, hear me out. He saw you "once upon a dream" or some shit like that and now believes you're his soulmate pookie bear.

Scale: Silver has been training his entire life, so he's actually pretty strong, but like- he falls asleep and you can just like, leave. I mean, he'll just find you again or stalk you in your dreams until you go crazy and come back to him, but you get it. 5/10. He won't hurt you, at least.

Whether he would kill: I feel like he could, but he won't.

Whether he would share: I'm not sure, actually. I feel like no, he wouldn't.

How much freedom you are allowed: Depends. Maybe he'll ask Lilia to keep an eye on you.

Habits: BIG DEATH CUDDLER. Will NOT let go at night.

Escape attempt (successful): "Beloved? Where have you gone? Father, my beloved has fled! Please see if you can track them down while I check nearby! I'll be in the stables preparing my horse if you hear anything sooner than my departure!"

Escape attempt (fail): You hadn't slept in days and were on the verge of collapse. You feared that you would dream of your current location, so you refused to sleep. Your legs gave out from underneath you as you treaded along in the vast forests of Briar Valley and your vision blackened. Before you completely surrendered your consciousness, you saw familiar eyes and silver hair stand before you. "Father was right. There would be no struggle if I waited until you had exhausted yourself."

⚡💚⚡

Name: Sebek Zigvolt

Class: 1-D

Type: Overprotective. Listen, having Sebek as a yandere means that you're now his Malleus. Except that unlike Malleus, who can just teleport away, you're never gonna be able to shake this son of a bitch off.

Scale: 7/10. He would NEVER hurt you, but you are gonna have one hell of a time trying to go anywhere alone. He won't stop you from going places since he's basically licking your boots, but he would draw his sword in a heartbeat against any 'threats'. cough- your friends -cough.

Whether he would kill: Honestly, if you told him to kill someone, he would. If you didn't? Unlikely he would go that far on his own.

Whether he would share: No, just... no. Not even with Malleus.

How much freedom you are allowed: He'd guard you while you were in the bathroom, shitting, FROM THE INSIDE. Freedom my ass.

Habits: Bowing to you, kissing the back of your hand, he'd definitely be much 'softer' with you.

Escape attempt (successful): "DAMMIT! MY LIEGE, YOU MUSTN'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!" Sebek, furious, was heading to the doghouse to get his hounds to track your scent. There were FAR too many dangers for you to go alone. A sudden thought formed. "My liege... must have been taken! I'll bring you back, don't worry!"

Escape attempt (fail): "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! I- yes, I'll lower my voice... but I simply can not follow through with this order! Apologies, but I fear you are not in the right state of mind to ask me to stay home! I'm afraid I will have to detain you in your room until you come to your senses."

[eee-lordy]

Hiiii! Can you write about jacob elordi x fem reader who is in charge of the makeup and outfits on saltburn or elvis?

Maybe there is a video going viral where he is looking at her (WITH THOSE PUPPY DOG EYES HAHSHAJDVDSJ IM GONNA EAT HIM) while she is doing his make up and she is clueless, yk those videos where the music is lana del rey and the caption is like "me when im literaly obsessed with her" or "when hes completely in love with u>>>>>"

And when that goes viral, the cast teases him and they go on a date?

Idk i think its cute :3

───※ ·❆· ※───

You were never one to get star struck. In the year and a half you'd been professionally applying makeup to the mugs of many stars, you'd been unfazed by celebrities captivating auras. You hardly blushed when Chris Pine tried asking you out as he sat in your makeup chair. You'd laughed in understandable assurance as Billie Eilish apologized for almost knocking your powder kit from your grasp; when her brother burst in the room to surprise her. You saw your clients as just that, people who trusted you to properly apply blush and fake scars.

But all the composure you'd been proud to claim went out the window when you'd been assigned to work with the cast of Sofia Coppola new film. You hadn't expected to lose your cool. In fact, you'd been rolling your eyes as the hair stylist that shared your caravan had droned on and on about this new Elordi fellow and how dreamy he was. Some of the other workers in the hair and makeup department parroted her yearning for the guy. But you were certain you'd remain calm and cool in this supposed deities presence.

And then he sat down in your chair. And he looked up to you with an intriguing set of droopy dark eyes. And you knew Jacob Elordi was about to be a real problem for you.

It wasn't his fame. You weren't swept up by his essence because of the collective crowd on the internet drooling over the guy. It wasn't even his magnetism. Because he did have a lot of that, you wavered it was necessary to survive fame. But it was more the way he would look up at you from that make up chair. With those dumb stupid big beautiful eyes.  And his smile that followed. And then the infuriating way he'd start conversations with you, those first few days on set.

"What'd you have for breakfast this morning?" Jacob would wonder, watching as you readied a sponge. You would answer and ask for his in return. He would mention stopping by a cafe earlier and go on to ask you where you grew up and if you liked it there and what the best book you've ever read was called. 

"You've got to stop chatting away, makes it hard to do your touch up's." You'd smile, reaching out to adjust Jacobs perfect fucking face so you could work on his brows. 

"Sorry." He breathed out, seemingly genuinely guilty. He went on explaining himself still, slowly as you continued to do your job. "Don't like awkward silence. Or bullshit small talk. Getting to know you seemed like the safest route. Since you'll be covering the dark circles under my eye's this whole shoot."

You laughed in understanding before announcing that you got it, and waved over the hairdresser on site today. 

"Wait, before you go, that book you mentioned..." Jacob pointed your way as you turned for closing up your kit of brushes. Then you watched as the guy wrestled his cellphone from his jacket pocket. "Here," Jacob said, extending the device your way. "Write the title in my notes app. I will forget, but I don't want too. It sounded properly readable."

"Oh." You turned your lips down in a twisted grin of surprise. As you took the device from Jacob's grasp, you felt a surge of gratification that the guy trusted you enough with his phone let alone wanted to read a book you mention not having read since uni. 

Not missing the way the hairdresser rolled her eyes, you grinned and found Jacobs notes app with ease, straining not to glance beyond your means. With the press of a few buttons you wrote down the title, and fought off the impulsive urge to include your very own phone number as well. That would be embarrassing, knowing full well this man would never call or text or probably even dare to glance your way beyond the makeup chair. 

///

The next few weeks went by the same. Jacob would yammer away until you almost had to hold his mouth shut to finish his makeup. And you would fill the silence by telling stories of your own, because he'd mentioned he wasn't fond of silence and you knew your job went beyond applying lip liner, it was also to keep celebrities happy as royalty.

And all the while you blinked away thoughts of how funny he was. How beautiful Jacob was. You wouldn't let yourself realize he was exactly your type. You wouldn't let yourself dream that you might be his. You simply relished the times you made him laugh. Once you made him laugh so hard he cried, tear tracks ruining the powder you'd only just applied. 

The hairdresser who was the leader of fawning over Jacob as soon as he left the room had taken to frowning in your direction most days. You reckoned it was because she'd never been able to make him laugh that hard, or at all, ever. And the stories she told him when he asked her to seemed to lose his interest halfway through every time. Try as Jacob might, you saw his eyes glaze over as the hairstylist droned on about her retirement plan or the grocery list she'd put together that day.

After acknowledging her sorry excuse for conversation Jacob would stop you from packing up and heading to lunch so he could ask you for more books to read, more films to watch, more stories from you. Then his assistant would interrupt, or he'd be called to set and you'd be left to head to the craft table with dangerous feelings of lust and intrigue to push away. You would not let this boy break you of your career long streak of professionalism, damn it.

///

One night, in the middle of a week break from set, you spent an evening scrolling mindlessly. When a tiktok with Jacob's name in the tags popped up, you scrolled away at the speed of light. You didn't let yourself linger too long on posts with him there, not wanting to know anything good bad or otherwise so long as you were assigned to work with him on this project. But it wasn't long before another tiktok popped up featuring the guy in a very familiar setting. He was too famous at this point. You watched as you saw leaked footage from behind the scenes of Priscilla, but weren't too shocked. The stars of the film were occasionally being interviewed by publicists between takes to document their experience, beginning to promote the film.

And maybe you let yourself keep watching out of a sense of entitlement, you'd been working on this set. You could watch a video of Jacob from work, right? You couldn't tear your eyes from him no matter how hard you tried now anyway. You watched as the person holding the camera zoomed in on the guy while he adjusted his suit jacket. You watched as he seemed to talk to the costars at his side. You watched as he looked up and smiled. And you couldn't help but melt a little at the sight, he seemed so happy, so at ease. And then you watched as Jacob's grin widened as he waved someone closer. And much to your horror, you saw yourself step into frame. 

You remembered that day, where you waited on the side lines to fix Cailee's eyeliner. While the director was storming up a new camera angle, Jacob waved you over to mention the last chapter of your favorite book he'd almost finished reading. He was laughing over a bit that you'd warned him about the week before. And you were laughing over how excited he was about it, finally having someone to gush over your favorite plot with.

Now, huddled beneath the blankets of your bed, you slammed your phone down at your side, bewildered to know someone had caught your interaction on camera. Raddled to have just seen Jacob lighting up at the sight of you. Angry at yourself for hopping you'd read his body language in a way that suggested he really liked you that much.

When you picked your phone back up, you watched the candid moment over and over, trying to debunk Jacob's smile. Trying to convince yourself he was only being friendly, only cared because he had to find someone to mingle with during down beats. 

And then you read the comments. 

"If Jacob smiled at me like that, I would die."

"Imagine making him laugh like that she's so lucky."

"Who is she??" One comment read. "Her last name will be Elordi if he hasn't married her already, calling it." Someone replied.

You shouldn't have read the comments.

///

When you were due back on set you swallowed away the excitement bubbling up in you at the prospect of seeing Jacob again. This was so unlike you, to be awaiting the arrival of your client with an embarrassing giddiness. As you reminded yourself that this was your job and Jacob was simply a guest in your makeup chair- the man himself eased into the caravan, ready to get ready for the day.

"Hey, you! I had a bunch of points earned up to get two free coffees so I brought you one. I remember you said you like almond milk so I asked for that." Jacob was all smiles as he extended a latte to you. Awe fuck. 

"Thank you, Jacob." You struggled not to sigh with angst as you accepted his very generous surprise. Luckily, he seemed none the wiser that you'd answered through gritted teeth. He just kept smiling as he headed to your chair.

"Oh, me first today lovie. Need to start your dye straight off, you're little makeup girlfriend will have to wait." The hairdresser announced, daring to grab Jacob by his sleeve, yanking him toward her end of the trailer. The other workers around rolled their eyes, sick of her endless commentary. You bit your tongue as you leaned against the counter, shaking your head when a coworker scoffed in the hairdresser's direction. Luckily, Cailee waltz in, ready for you before anyone else. You thanked God for the distraction, readying your brow pencil and chatted to the girl about her break from set. 

All the while, your least favorite coworkers voice demanded to be the loudest in the room. She made everyone listen to some boring ass story and practically whinnied when Jacob got up to trade Cailee places. 

"No offence, you're fine and all, just don't have hair as silky smooth as Jacob's." The hairdresser told Cailee but made sure her comment was loud enough for everyone to hear. "Oh wait, silly me," 

As Jacob settled in the makeup chair and began to ask if the drink he'd brought you was good, the hairdresser of your nightmares shoved her way between you and the person you were meant to be working on. 

"I left of a bobby pin, how'd I forget," She droned in an annoying pitch, nearly shoving you over in her attempt to get closer to Jacob. 

"Can you please get out of my space?" You called, annoyed that she was pushing you away from your station without a single polite excuse.

"Can you please stop being such a jealous bitch?" The hairdresser whipped to face you with a manic smile.

"Oh my God?" You almost laughed in shock at her comment when another coworker dared to reach out and pulled her away, and out of the trailer. Another hairdresser apologized to the room for the previous girl's behavior and stepped up to lead charge of Cailee's wig.

With no time to shake the rage that had been born in you, you pushed it down, biting your lip hard as you went about finding the right sponge for Jacob's foundation. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, seemingly worried. And that pissed you off too. Why'd he have to act like he cared so much? Why'd he have to be so damn wonderful?

"I'm fine. Thank you again for the coffee, it...is kind of bitter but it was a really sweet gesture, I swear. Close your eye's please." You responded as calm and cool as possible.

"Bitter... sweet..." Jacob winked, just for you to see. It was the best thing you'd ever witness. And the worst all the same. You were sure you blushed. You tilted his chin and struggling to suppress how much you'd miss when you didn't get to be this close to him. He stayed quiet as you finished his face, and so did you. When his makeup was done, almost everyone else had left the trailer. The last remaining beautician was walking out as you'd closed the case to your kit. 

"I thought you didn't like awkward silence." You dared to mention, as Jacob stood to leave. It wasn't like you'd thought to ask. It was just a thought that ended up blurted out. And then you were bold enough still to look up and right at the guy with those perfectly shaped eyes to find he'd already been staring right at you. 

"S'not so awkward with you."

You really wish he hadn't said that. You really wished you'd never prompted him too. You really wished he wasn't still standing there looking across the features of your face like he was waiting on you to respond. There was a knock on the door just in time, and a voice calling for Jacob to hurry to set. 

"I'll see you after lunch, right?" Jacob wondered as he moved toward the door. You muttered something like "Yeah sure," as you turned to start collecting your things. As far as Jacob knew you were headed to the craft table. But as your feet started marching out of the trailer, you found yourself headed toward the manager of the crew you'd been hired in with. You explained to her that you really thought it was best you turned in your resignation. 

You'd never dared yourself to tread the line during work. Never been so enamored with someone you were meant to be professional with. It wasn't in your best interest to see how far this went. And it wasn't in Jacobs best interest that you kept lingering around distracting him with stories and novel suggestions.

So, on a decided whim, you packed your things, swallowed frustrated tears, and headed home for good.

///

You let yourself be mad once your front door was shut and locked. You threw away the stupid coffee Jacob bought you. You turned the telly off and tossed the remote toward the hardwood when Euphoria came on. You muttered and cursed and slammed cabinets as you made a carb heavy comfort meal and called your best friend. 

The day went on and turned to night as you tried to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You began getting ready for bed, talking yourself into sleeping off all the weird feelings and events that had transpired today. Tomorrow, you'd find a new job and make sure to decline any with that one awful hairdressers name on the list of beauticians. 

As you sat on the edge of your bed and set a reminder for yourself to job hunt tomorrow afternoon, a notification interrupted your typing. 

Instagram was alerting you that one certain Jacob Elordi was sending you a fucking message. He'd followed you a couple weeks ago, when you handed him your phone to show him a picture of your beloved childhood pet. He scrolled away from it and found your handle to promptly pull up on his very own Instagram, following you with a smile.

Your eyes widened and your thumb worked faster than your brain, clicking the popup before you could talk yourself out of it. Oh, shit now he was going to know you opened his fucking stupid ass message. You really wished you hadn't met this boy. He wasn't even here and he was torturing your every thought. 

"You were NOT there after lunch as promised. Call me? xx"

Before your eyes displayed a row of numbers that if pressed would call Jacob Elordi's cell phone. You tried really hard to talk yourself out of it. But being away from him for the last ten hours had really done a number on your heart. It missed him more than your brain was afraid to admit. Your thumb clicked the numbers. Your phone started to ring. 

After one buzz he answered. 

"I got off set to hear you'd quit and left me to bear that horrid hairdresser without you? Was the coffee really that bad?" Jacob's voice crackled through the line, soft and saccharine. You chuckled morosely at his coffee joke before responding.

"No pleasant greeting. What if it wasn't me calling? What if it was some crazy fan girl?" You dared to venture. 

"Are you saying you're not a fan of mine?"

You wanted to assure him that you were probably his biggest, but sighed in place of a response, struggling to choose your words. 

"What happened? That hairdresser should be fired. You shouldn't've left." Jacob spoke, as you watched the traffic out your window and relished the sound of his voice in your ear. 

"It..." You couldn't help it. You couldn't hide it any longer. "It wasn't really her. I quit because of you, Jacob."

"Me? I- I'm sorry I thought we-" He sounded too worried, and you realized you'd spoken a little too cryptically.

"Not because you did anything wrong." You hurried to explain, interrupting his unnecessary apology. "It's me, not you." 

"Is this a break up? I never even got to ask you on a proper date." He laughed a humorless laugh.

"That's the thing." You said. "I like you way more than I should've ever let myself. It's too unprofessional for me to work with you and have these feelings. I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be telling you this. Everyone treats you like a piece of meat, I hate that I-"

"So... what I'm hearing..." Jacob's voice rose a bit as he interrupted you, catching your attention off guard. "Is that I can actually ask you on a proper date? And this doesn't have to be a break up at all."

"Oh! I- wait are you joking?" You blurted, shocked by the tone of his voice and the fact that it seemed like Jacob Elordi was asking you out. 

"I like you too, dummy. I've been doing my damnedest to make that clear. You know I don't just follow every wardrobe artist on Instagram and bring camera men cafe treats. I used my free coffee on you! I'm so sorry it was no good though." 

"It wasn't the worst coffee ever." You smiled, feeling a calm and hopeful buzz wash over you. 

"Well, let me take you on a proper date, for a proper cup of coffee, and talk you back on set." 

"I can date you, or be your makeup artist, but I will not allow myself to do both. I have a very strict moral compass as a working lady." 

"I'll choose the first option then by a long shot." You could hear Jacob's smile in the tone of his voice. You let him ramble a little longer about the day he'd had and how bad he felt that you'd been moved to quit. He asked you to meet him at the cafe across from the set during lunch tomorrow, and you promised you would in fact show up without a doubt this time. 

Fuck finding a new job tomorrow. You were going on an absolute dream date with Jacob. But you were most definitely ordering your own coffee.

[missglaskin]

Hi I had a question have you ever considered writing for ACOTAR and what do you think about the series and who would be the worst? Yandere to have if you could do a ranking this is not a request. I just wanna know your opinion. I hope you have a good day or night. 😊🥰❤️

I didn’t make a ranking but I did rate them (1 least worst, 10 being pretty bad) hope you don’t mind

Feyre only wants what's best for you, at least that's what she thinks. She feels a great deal of guilt when her mind wanders to dark places. Feyre doesn't like lying or deceiving you, but she always tries to justify herself. She is extremely protective and fiercely loyal, going to great lengths to keep you safe; the end always justifies the means. Everything goes well with Feyre as long you don't struggle against her and just let her take care of you. 6/10

Elain seems harmless at first, lost in her own world, spending hours daydreaming about you rather than approaching you directly. She's shy in approaching you, but her infatuation with you grows steadily and soon enough you start seeing her more often. She does not resort to violence like the others but pretends to be your friend while subtly isolating you from everyone else. You realize a little too late that Elain is scheming to keep you all to herself, not when she gives you that sweet girl. 4/10

Nesta appears cold and distant at first, often trying to push or avoid you altogether. Unaware it’s Nesta’s realization of her intense feelings and maybe it was her way of trying to protect you. But in moments of jealousy or danger, Nesta’s possessiveness becomes glaringly apparent. She does not want to chain you down, but she fiercely wants you all to herself. Desiring to have you solely for her own gaze and touch. You should just trust her and let her make all your decisions on your behalf. 6/10

Mor's danger lies in her manipulative nature and her relentless desire to get what she wants. The second she set her eyes on you; she wanted you. Mor takes the role of your friend, gaining your trust and coaxing you to confide in her. Letting you reveal your deepest secrets and positing herself as your savior to ensure you feel indebted to her. You can never point the finger of blame to Mor, she’s always one step ahead even when you find yourself isolated and powerless to make your own choices. 7/10

Amren is not someone who immediately raises suspicion, but there's an air of uneasiness. Not interacting all that much with her at first. But you'll feel eyes watching your every move yet when you turn to look, nothing is there. She in a way positions herself as an ally, subtly guiding you in the way she wants, all to assert control over you. As time passes, her tendencies begin to surface and she can no longer conceal her possessiveness. Finding yourself isolated and confined to a little place all alone with her. 8/10 

Rhysand is charismatic and not even you are immune to his charms, despite your better judgement. He's so good at pulling the strings, steering situations to his advantage. You could accuse him of an act that you know he has done, but he'll turn it around, making you feel guilty for doubting him. When Rhysand senses you're slipping away from his gasp, he won't hesitate to resort to extreme measures. You're trapped with no allies and no means of escape leaving you no choice but to depend on him. 9/10 

Cassian's intense loyalty and protective nature may seem his best traits, but it's a means of suffocation to you. Cassian is convinced he knows what's best for you, stubbornly insisting on his ways even if you push him away or outright reject him. His impulsivness guides his actions, causing him to raise his voice or grip you too tightly, but Cassian always apologizes afterward, you must forgive him right? Cassian is nice to have if you never resist and simply allow him to do as he pleases. 7/10

Azriel doesn't approach at first, preferring to watch you from a distance, meaning all the time. His shadows are tasked at keeping him informed and ready to protect you from any impending danger. When Azriel involves himself in your life, he becomes the center of it. Bid farewells to your past connections as he demands your full attention, confined under his very control. You may be allowed some freedom if you comply, but resist or fight back, it won't bode well for you. 8/10 

Tamlin is a storm that's looming, ready to engulf you. His protectiveness and possessiveness are like a chain around your neck; suffocating. He's controlling and has a desire to keep you by his side at all times. No matter how much you fight back, Tamlin believes you'll come around eventually, time is all he has. Sometimes, his temper flares and he lashes out, destroying things in his path, and seeing your fear brings him back to his senses where he apologizes profusely, promising it won’t happen again. 9/10 

Eris is intensely jealous and controlling, viewing you as his and his alone. There's a high likelihood he'll keep you trapped, unwilling to let you go. But beneath all his possessiveness, Eris is somewhat desperate. He long for you to just open yourself up to him, to surrender to his touches. With everything he went through, Eris doesn't wish to inflict harm on you. Why must you force him to restrain you, to him it's so simple, why not just give into him, a life where he shows you devoted love and loyalty. 7/10 

Lucien is aware of his tendencies and has tried to avoid you, but keeps finding himself drawn back to you, unable to resist gazing at you from a corner. He's consumed by his obsession, devoting himself to you completely, and Lucien finds himself unable to fight against it. He never wishes to harm or trap you; he has seen the damage it caused. He hopes his charms and time will be enough to win you over, and become so entwined in your life that you can't take him out of it. 5/10 

[il0vewomenz]

𝙎𝙖𝙮𝙖𝙠𝙖, 𝙈𝙤𝙣𝙙𝙤, 𝙆𝙖𝙚𝙙𝙚, 𝙆𝙤𝙠𝙞𝙘𝙝𝙞 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙈𝙞𝙪 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙎/𝙊 𝙬𝙝𝙤'𝙨 𝙖 𝘽𝙤𝙠𝙤𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙚!

Bokodere — character who lashes out with their fists when they get embarrassed from their love interest in order to hide their shyness and feelings of love. They go into fight-or-flight mode when flustered despite not really wanting to hurt their love interest. After some time as they get more used to being affectionate with their love interest they will feel less flustered and will gain control over their aggressive impulses.

TW: Very OOC.

SAYAKA:

When Sayaka first met you, she thought you were just really shy, and she found it adorable! While introducing herself, she playfully teased you.

Your face turned red, and you accidentally punched her in the face so hard that she fell backwards. "Ah!" She let out a small squeak. She looked up at you and asked, "Um... I'm sorry, did something I say upset you?" Sayaka's voice was soft and gentle. You covered your face in shame and embarrassment. "N-no! I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that! What's wrong with me..!" You said, feeling incredibly ashamed.

Sayaka lowered her head, her face hidden in shadow. It made you feel even worse, but suddenly she lifted her head with a smile on her face. "It's okay, Y/N, don't worry about it!" You helped her up and asked, "Uh... Are you okay? I punched you pretty hard..." Sayaka chuckled slightly and replied, "Yeah... It hurts a little..." In reality, it hurt a lot, but she didn't want you to feel bad or for you to use your fists on her again.

She had a strong intuition that you didn't have any malicious intentions when you punched her, and she had a knack for reading people. As you spent more time with her, you slowly became more comfortable around her. And when the two of you started dating, you stopped getting so embarrassed over simple affection. Well... You still got embarrassed, but instead of taking it out on Sayaka with your fists, you learned how to control yourself with a little help from her!

MONDO:

Mondo always gets nervous around girls he likes, so it wasn't surprising that he acted that way around you. Most girls tend to get scared off by his loud behavior, but you were different. You got easily embarrassed around him. So, could it be said that both of you are nervous around each other?

Well, yeah. The only difference is that he doesn't hit the girls he likes. "What was that for!?" Mondo asks, his tone rising. "I-I'm so sorry! I couldn't control myself, it was a reflex!" Now Mondo wasn't sure what upset him more - the fact that the girl he likes punched him or that it actually hurt.

Mondo has a severe complex about appearing weak, so the fact that a girl hitting him hurt made him feel weak. "W-why aren't you saying anything... I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to!" You apologize once more. "Don't worry about it! I didn't even feel it!" He says, trying to convince himself more than you. "Really?" You ask, confusion evident on your face. Normally, people would admit it hurt a lot. Your doubt made him slightly more frustrated, but he managed to hide it well. "Hell yeah, it didn't!"

Sorry if you wanted a gender natural reader for Mondo but it was way easier for me to write a female reader when it comes to Mondo!

KAEDE:

When Kaede first saw you, she couldn't help but call you cute because of your adorable appearance. Little did she know, that was a big mistake. It made you feel so embarrassed that you reacted impulsively and ended up punching her.

"W-what was that for?" she asks, clearly confused. "Oh my goodness... I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! I'm really sorry, it's just a reflex for me when I get embarrassed. I don't know how to handle it, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you, I apologize!"

You blurt out your words in a rush, feeling remorseful. "I-it's okay..." Kaede says, a small bead of sweat forming on her cheek. "One apology is enough..." She says, trying to smile nervously.

Just like you, Kaede can be impulsive at times, but she's trying her best to be patient with you, hoping that you'll do the same and learn to control yourself around her. And if you do, that would be great!

But even she can lose her cool sometimes, especially if you continue to react the same way even when you're dating. "Y/N, please stop hitting me!" she exclaims. She holds your hands in hers and looks into your eyes. "Please, just calm down!"

KOKICHI:

He would quickly notice how easily flustered you get around him and would take advantage of it by teasing you. When you hit him, his mischievous expression lingers for a few seconds before he dramatically bursts into crocodile tears.

"WAHHHH!! H-how could you hurt me like this!? I was just trying to be friends with you!" Your lips tremble slightly as the blush remains on your face. You try to think of something to say to diffuse the situation, but before you can, he laughs.

"Nee-heehee! Just kidding! You're obviously too weak to hurt me!" That was a lie.

Kokichi continues to tease you, testing your limits. Sometimes it's hard to keep up the facade of being unfazed when he pushes too far. One time, he couldn't hide the pain when you kicked him in his crotch. He fell to the floor, clutching himself. "Agh..! I shouldn't have told them to be rougher!" he thought.

Over time, you start to get used to his teasing, which sometimes annoys him. He doesn't like it when you don't react the way he expects or stop paying attention to him. That's just boring!

MIU:

Miu is Miu, no doubt about it. It's no wonder you feel embarrassed when you're around her. She's always making those sex jokes and whatnot. So, in a fit of embarrassment, you lash out and smack her in the face.

"What the hell!?" Miu exclaims. "What's your problem!?" She asks, caught off guard and feeling defenseless. "I'm sorry, Miu!" You apologize. "Sorry? Are you apologizing for hitting me or for your lack of chest size!?" She bluntly questions. Your face turns even redder as you struggle to find the right words. "Oh, what's the matter? You seemed pretty confident when you smacked me right in the face!" She reminds you. "Listen, Miu... I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to!" Miu scoffs. "Just don't fuckin' ever do it again!"

This one is very short but I didn't have an idea how to continue this.

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

This is an analysis of Kaveh and Alhaitham’s argument posted on the Port Ormos bulletin board!! Because it is crazy actually!!

I think this exchange of theirs out of the three posted throughout Sumeru is particularly interesting, and this is due Alhaitham openly expressing that Kaveh does not understand what Alhaitham is really trying to say to him: “I have never denied what you meant, but you don’t understand what I am saying to you at all.”

This exchange is relevant in various ways in exploring the motif of communication. As according to their usual rapport, the two disagree over their differing philosophies, as in sensibility versus rationality, however, Alhaitham’s particular concerns in Kaveh spending his money on “nonsense” highlights the underlying reason for this exchange. From this comment, the argument is recontextualised through Alhaitham’s intention for getting involved, as Kaveh prompts the workmen to take his money in order to help them out.

When Alhaitham states that this is a meaningless action due to the inevitability of people rising or falling on their own accord, rather than solely critiquing Kaveh’s “impulsiv[e]” altruism, as Kaveh interprets, Alhaitham is directly contradicting his own comment – as he is interfering on Kaveh’s decisions.

As concern is evidently the intention behind his interference, Kaveh cannot perceive this, and instead attempts to critique Alhaitham’s perspective in return, although Alhaitham states: “Make no mistake. I have never denied what you meant…” This response asserts that Alhaitham does not deny, but rather agrees with, Kaveh’s statement of “mutual assistance, fairness, and righteous anger” driving the world.

In lieu of this, rather than continuing the argument, Alhaitham claims that there is no point to it, as Kaveh does not understand what he is saying, as in, Kaveh does not understand that his intentions in interfering are out of concern. He follows this up, regardless, by criticising Kaveh’s handling of his budget, as, evidently, Kaveh has offered to give his own money to these workmen, and refuses to pay for Kaveh’s drinks for that month.

For Alhaitham, Kaveh’s lack of self-prioritisation leads him to impulsive altruistic acts which serve to jeopardise his own position, particularly regarding money. If Kaveh can afford to give away money, he can afford to pay his own tabs, is the takeaway from this exchange. Although, similarly to the exchange between them posted in Puspa’s Café, this applies to one particular month, insinuating that Alhaitham will continue to pay for next month’s tabs of his own accord.

The main argument, as well as the disagreement over the speaker of Kaveh’s quote, serves as a humorous exchange, but as a motif for communication it acquires a new meaning. The two hold perspectives which contrast the other which puts them on unequal footing, demonstrated within the argument over the speaker of Kaveh’s quote. Although it is not disclosed who is actually in the right, both are convinced of their respective viewpoint. There is an element missing here, a potential solution to this problem, and it lies within the idea of “correctness” established within A Parade of Providence.

The omission of there being an objective, correct answer to this particular debate serves as a parallel to their conflicting viewpoints, with the basis of their exchange being to “prove” to the other their “correctness” – here, it is in regard to Kaveh.

However, “correctness” being the basis of their exchange, and thus, relationship, is challenged with Alhaitham shutting down the initial debate due to Kaveh’s misunderstanding of his meaning. Correctness, then, and its importance, is called into question within this exchange, with Kaveh being the one to chase it; his last message being that he would “prove” himself to be right.

At the core of this bulletin board exchange is the idea that Alhaitham harbours an alternative ‘meaning’ than the one that Kaveh assigns to him: “… you don’t understand what I’m saying to you at all.” This is a meaning which Kaveh cannot perceive due to his current understanding of Alhaitham. This represents the standing of their current relationship, where Kaveh believes Alhaitham holds him in disdain, although this belief is incongruous with Alhaitham’s actions which show his care for Kaveh.

In these instances of communication through the Bulletin Boards, it is interesting to note that Kaveh is revealed to have been drunk and “scribbling” on these notice boards, and hopes that Alhaitham does not know.

Although this is a humorous detail, it adds another layer to the unreliability of their method of communication, as Kaveh has no recollection of these exchanges with Alhaitham, and therefore could not have properly interpreted Alhaitham due to an altered state of mind. It is uncertain whether Alhaitham is aware of Kaveh’s being drunk whilst responding to him, or whether he is believed to have been lucid, which creates another element of unreliability in their exchanges.

Alhaitham understands Kaveh’s thinking and the reasons for why he acts as he does, but he cannot articulate his concern in a way that Kaveh will understand, both out of Kaveh’s incapability of receiving goodwill, but also due to his logical manner of expression. Kaveh perceives Alhaitham’s concealed expressions of concern as personal gripes and criticisms of his beliefs, and therefore believes that their relationship is based on the scholarly principle of proving the validity of one’s philosophies.

The Port Ormos Bulletin Board reinforces the core essence of their relationship: Alhaitham is invested in a personal regard, whereas Kaveh cannot see this due to his perception of Alhaitham and Alhaitham’s inability to communicate in a way Kaveh would understand.

(Update: For more analyses like this, the essay this is taken from is now uploaded! It can be accessed here and here as as a pdf <3)

[iamthedisorder]

Ich weiß genau,

dass ich gerade überreagiere, und total viel hineininterpretiere. Glaub mir, das ist auch schlimm für mich, weil ich mich nicht bremsen kann, obwohl ich dich doch eigentlich nicht verlieren möchte, nicht verletzen möchte, nicht falsch behandeln möchte.

- iamthedisorder

[seelenwindsblog]

Ich handel immer wieder im Affekt, ich bin zu impulsiv und ich kann es nicht beeinflussen, kann es nicht kontrollieren und auch nicht ändern.

[chons-mmff]

magst du vielleicht ein paar facts über deinen good luck OC teilen für den tumblr at-choice overview? :)

here you go — plus picrew und transmasc Bingo. Einfach so. (⌐■֊■)

name Sunny Henshaw

alter 22 Jahre | 3. Juni

nationalität US-Amerikanisch

gender transmaskulin, nicht-binär; he/they …he/him, gebt ihm noch etwas Zeit.

sexualität pansexuell

pairing option [Yes]

☤ Sunny ist vor kurzem hochkant aus der Wohnung seiner Schwester geworfen worden, nachdem er sich dort für Wochen eingenistet und die Grenzen der Gastfreundschaft ein wenig… ausgetestet hat. Er versteht immer noch nicht, warum er denn nun ausziehen musste. 💫Selbstreflexion💫

☤ Er hat ein unfertiges Tattoo auf seinem Schlüsselbein. Eigentlich sollte es symbolisch für einen Neuanfang stehen, und vor seinen Freunden wollte er nicht klein beigeben—bis er mitten im Prozess laut quengelnd abbrach und sich nun mit einem halben Vögelchen abfinden muss.

☤ Seit seinem Coming-out mit achtzehn Jahren und seit er die Wohnung seiner Eltern verlassen hat, hat Sunny in mehreren Städten entlang der Ostküste gelebt. Länger als drei Monate hat es ihn nirgends gehalten.

☤ Um sich auszupowern und natürlich um unter die Leute zu kommen ist Sunny gerne sportlich unterwegs: am liebsten Slacklining oder Parkour. Wenn es mal wieder gilt, seine rastlose Energie loszuwerden, kann auch ein kurzer Sprint helfen.

☤ Wenn Sunny besonders schlechte Tage hat, erkennt man dies sofort an seiner Kleiderwahl; oversized Pullis und jede Menge Schichten sind die Mittel, um sich zu schützen und seiner Dysphorie entgegenzuwirken.

☤ Er hat die Angewohnheit, bei Freunden und Bekannten spontan kleine Dinge auszuleihen—T-Shirts, Küchenutensilien, Kopfhörer… Sunny vergisst bloß immer, sie wieder zurückzubringen. Nein, es ist kein böswilliger Diebstahl, sondern einfach ein impulsiver Sammeltrieb. Oder so. Er kann diese Sachen nun mal besser gebrauchen.

☤ Sunny arbeitet aktuell im Kundendienst eines Paketdienstes; allerdings hat er innerlich damit schon abgeschlossen. Zwar macht er den Job erst seit zwei? drei? Wochen, aber hey, das ist doch lange genug um zu wissen, dass er schnellstens weiterziehen sollte. Er recherchiert bereits fleißig während der Arbeitszeiten, was ihn mehr ansprechen könnte.

☤ Offiziell bezeichnet Sunny sich noch als männlich und behält für sich, dass er sich außerhalb des Binären besser identifizieren kann. In seiner Präsentation nach außen zeigt er sich also bisher auf der maskulinen Seite, wobei er sich, wenn alleine und unter Personen, bei denen er sich zu 100% wohl fühlt, mehr ausprobiert.

☤ Man würde denken, dass es bei Sunnys quirliger Natur nahezu unmöglich ist, ihn sensorisch zu überfordern—er liebt laute Umgebungen, knallige Farben und die Dynamik von Großstädten. Doch nichts lähmt seine Konzentration (haha, als wäre er jemals konzentriert) und aktiviert seinen Fluchtinstinkt schneller als eine besonders starke Parfümwolke.

[the-monkey-ruler]

And also to say (I think this was the author's intention too) It's interesting on how Wukong represents the mind, Tang Sanzang the heart and that each pilgrim a different thing from the human, also thanks for letting me know these things! :)

Oh course!! I'm glad that people are getting to know these more

Wukong = Mind / Impulsivness / Metal

Sanzang = Heart / Intelligence / Fire

Bajie = Body / Desire / Wood

Wujing = Emotions / Honesty / Earth

Bailong = Will / Determination / Water

These are definitely the most accepted and considered how Bajie, Wujing, and Wukong are connected to their elements in the poetry, and from the subject we are able to determine where they fit in the human body and mind. It does make it easier with Wukong literally being called Mind Monkey and Bailong Horse of Will so the rest of the places just fall in line. But there is so much symbolism and ideas that can be fit into this novel and it is mind-boggling how much deeper this novel is with each layer. Truly a wonderful and masterpiece of literature.

[hammill-goes-fogwalking]

coming: embarrassing but relatable, waaay too detailed German post, try your best to understand or you’ll miss something ^^ it’s about cognitive skills in neurodivergence aka autism ♾️

as much as it looks like it, I DO NOT MASK MY AUTISM (I don’t even have anything to hide, I dont do fidgeting & stimming at all) !!

… (es klingt wieder sehr überdramatisiert aber es stimmt halt, was kann ich tun)

je mehr Sprachen ich lerne desto mehr verschlechtert sich mein Deutsch… besonders seit Norwegisch und Finnisch, Estnisch :( whyyy

nie war ich die beste im Artikulieren aber NIE ZUVOR WAREN MEINE KOGNITIVEN FÄHIGKEITEN SO AM ENDE WIE JETZT. 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️

Beispiel:

jemand fragt mich ,,was last du letztes Wochenende gemacht? :D‘‘

mein brain:

*ich denke dran ich was ich wirklich letztes Wochenende gemacht habe, wie war es am Samstag? Tag? Hmm mein Leben lang sage ich Tag während andere päivä zur selben Sache sagen ok interessant, warte hieß es nicht auch mal päivää mit zwei Umlauten, ja stimmt hab ich letztens noch auf reddit gelernt…. NEIN KONZENTRIER DICH ES GEHT UM LETZTES WOCHENENDE… Ende der Woche- fin de semana, über das schrieben wir doch heute eine Klausur in Spanisch, unser Wochenende beschreiben….* *boah diese Klausur war der Albtraum, darüber kann ich die Person auch mal fragen, wie er. sie die Klausur fand* <- Frage aufgehoben falls Gespräch noch weiter geht ✔️

UND SCHON SIND MEINE GEDANKEN GANZ WOANDERS

*Erinnerungen aus diesem Wochenende passieren revue*

*ABER JETZT DENK NACH!! Wie soll ich diese 2 einhalb Tage in paar Wörtern zusammenfassen*

Ok

*jetzt versuche ich wirklich, eine NEUROTYPISCHE Antwort zu finden (eine, die in gut die Normen der heutzutage Jugendlichen passt, die nicht vermuten lässt dass ich neurodivergent bin ☺️)*

(ich neige dazu immer zu altmodische Sachen zu sagen die wirklich keiner hören will (Wörter wie ,,obgleich‘‘ bspw) dann muss ich mich erstmal in die Rolle der Gleichaltrigen hineinversetzen, wie hätte bspw einer meiner Mitschüler auf die Frage geantwortet??)

*was war jetzt mit meiner Antwort? langsam geht die Zeit aus, vielleicht ist die Person schon ungeduldig (ich verliere ja den Sinn für Zeit) ich muss schnell aus diesen tausenden Gedanken RAUS*

*Die Person schaut mich so erwartungsvoll an, ich muss eine gute Antwort geben um sie nicht zu enttäuschen* (<- Autismus) jetzt sage ich etwas total sinnloses, wie ,,naja, ich fand‘s gut nur hab viel zu wenig für die Klausur morgen gelernt, muss unbedingt heute anfangen!!‘‘

*Klang meine Stimme gerade lustlos? Wie fühlt sich der andere wenn ich rede? Hmm? Es ist bestimmt etwas falsch an mir, bestimmt*

*zwischendurch auf Körpersprache achten, zeige ich Gesten zu impulsiv oder total schüchtern oder sehen meine Gesten/Emotionen bissl gezwungen aus (-was eher zu mir passt) ?? Wenn ja, was denkt der die andere über mich??*

das war nicht genug, ich sollte die Person auch nach seinem, ihrem Wochenende fragen sonst sehe ich EGoiStiscH aus… aber ist es zu spät dafür? Was wenn ich jetzt noch was dazwischenlaber, wie würde das klingen?

*ALS WÄR DAS NICHT GENUG KOMMEN JETZT DIE ✨Vorwürfe✨: sehe ich heute socially acceptable aus? Vielleicht zu verschlafen? Vielleicht sind meine Haare durcheinander oder mache ich irgendwie eine ungepflegte Erscheinung, sehe ich posh aus? Andere sagten das mal über mich und kann an der posh-Sache was wahres dran sein?*

zu spät, die Person sagt schon irgendwas, alle Dinge die ich eig sagen wollte kann ich vergessen, na toll :D

*während der. die andere redet- so viel Augenkontakt wie möglich. Ich hab kein Problem damit aber manchmal (aka: zu oft) verliere ich mich darin und achte nicht mehr drauf was er. sie sagt*

*gebe ich mich gerade als positiv aus oder ist da eine pessimistische Energie um mich herum? (seeeehr oft denke ich das, schlimm schlimm)!! Bin ich genug am lächeln? Vielleicht sogar zu viel? Sieht es vllt schon idiotisch aus?*

*NEIN WARUM KANN ICH NICHT EINFACH ICH SELBST SEIN. WAAARUM.*

*HILFE ICH KANN MICH JA NICHT SELBST SEHEN*

bruh

an diesem Punkt ist -fast- Schluss, es ist sowieso schon genug wenn jemand das ganze gelesen hat :0

nur noch kurz die ❕traumatisierenden FOLGEN❕(extrem dramatisiert aber alles klar)

ich stottere also muss einzelne Wörter 2,3 mal wiederholen, korrigieren, manchmal mehrere hintereinander 👎🏻 wirklich

ich schmeiße die ganze deutsche Grammatik durcheinander 👎🏻 passiert immer öfter

ich hab AUF EINMAL einen random Akzent (judged mich nicht aber es klingt wie Norwegisch) 👎🏻

ich fange an Sachen zu labern ohne nachzudenken (um diese ^ Fehler zu kaschieren) 👎🏻

ich hab KEINEN BOCK MEHR AUF DAS ALLES UND FRAGE MICH WIE ES DER ANDERE ÜBERHAUPT NOCH MIT MIR AUSHALTEN KANN

(wenigstens laufe ich nicht rot an und zum Glück merkt man von diesen inneren Konflikten ,,draußen’’ nichts 👍🏻 (<- also das hoffe ich mal))

…

das letzte was ich tue ist zu denken ob es alles diese Mühe wert war, diese Person wird jedes Gespräch sowieso vergessen und ich mache mir diese ÄTZENDEN unnötigen neurodiversen Stressmachereien !!