#immensely fucking hard and sometimes may not even feel worth it at times

[fringeexistence]

I come from a very long lineage of evil souls. And I am all-powerful. Fear does not exist for me. I do as I please in plain sight, so obvious, yet unseen by everyone. I am immensely proud of the work that I do. I am skillful and diligent during the activities that I partake in. I enjoy inflicting misery and dread that seeps from your pours as I slowly take away your life's energy, which in reality, is only a grand and beautifully constructed illusion of flesh and bone.

I giggle when you scream; sometimes I even like to scream along with you, especially when we're downstairs and the acoustics are echoing just right for the moment. There is an excitement that I can feel all the way inside my anus while you are hyperventilating from the loss of physical control. It is exquisite to watch you in those moments between torture and death; your purgatory I call it. I know, I know, the clock is ticking away for both of us too quickly almost. This dance of victim and predator will fall prey to the inevitable "time's up" soon again. Always too soon, and always at your expense. Poor thing. It cannot be any other way though. Blame God for that one... creating linear time and all. Oh, how I love how desperation shows itself through your physical body, the perspiring skin and dry-mouthed screams. Yes, I do my job well. God gave me the gifts of patience and a conditioned psyche, so that I may be able to enjoy anything I decide is worth the trouble and hard work to prepare for.

Like the way I am able to dismantle a human body so skillfully and carefully, never making much of a mess and always cleaning up after myself. Nothing can be overlooked. There is no room for stupid mistakes. I would die if ever caught from a broken heart. Yes, I fell love with you, at first sight, just like all the others when I realized that they would be the one. There is love before and after the dance of death ensue. Every time.

Do I realized what I am doing>? Oh yes, I know what I do and I remember every one of you with pride. I know that I create a trivial feeling of loss for the families, but there must be sacrifices in everything that is accomplished. I find that aggravating to a great degree.

Honestly, I can't be held up by anything that keeps me from what I was meant to accomplish. Like the women I take without permission. Like you. You become mine when I say so.

If you must get technical on the whole fucking subject of my slayings as the papers call my art work, I would say that I am not hurting anyone, really. This is my solipsist existence. It is all subjective and there is no guilt that remains afterward. It warrants me completely blameless in this world I am in. You are all illusions that my conscious imagination has created. It is perfect for my conscience, if I even have one. None of this is real. I just explained this to you. But if it were... hmmnn... would my deeds really matter at all in the sense of morality and ethics? Probably not, but let me finish what I have to say as this is so very boring to speak about.

Tee hee... I would rather talk about the art I create with your bodies. Absolute beauty in its carnage. Awww c'mon. Don't cry. This makes me angry and... you know I would rather be jovial while I work.

I know my artistry isn't appreciated as it should be but I have learned that the distaste others experience is a sad situation and I shouldn't take it personal. They all know, the cops, how talented and smart I can be of they only gave me a chance. I feel for the unappreciative ones, honestly.

The history I have made with my bare hands is profound and like no other. I am unique in the ways I have taught myself to preserve my bodies, Ohmy love. Oh no! I have never used weapons when hunting the next prized beauty. My hands do the work just fine and I love to feel the different textures of your skin and tendons and such.

Guilt? No, none there either. I remain clear and calm on any given day. I sleep like a baby without nightmares ever since I began my quest for control and ownership. I reap no after effects. They say one should not mix work with fun, but you should give it a try before you make a judgement.

Mmmm. I often replay how I smear the clotted blood over my chest, feeling its warmth and it comforts me while I wait for that pungent and lingering aura to hit my nostrils. And the taste... like mother's milk for me and only me, except for God, of course.

This is my world and God and I are the only ones existing in this cesspool of a world. We are connected. Do you hear me?!! So sorry. I didn't mean to yell outside of my mind. Where were we?

Yes, this is our own private theatre, the two of us, and the actresses do not need scripts as they are only a mockery of real people; for me to obtain some sort of experienced reality. A movie chosen by Gods will and imagination. He gets to be a part of it too, experiencing everything I do to them from the background, vicariously living through me. It is a shared experiece by all accounts. It's a shit show for the only two entities existing, living out a movie of our choice. For entertainment and bliss. This couldn't have been a more perfect screenplay for our entertainment.

Tomorrow I will try some new tactics to up the odds. It should be fun. You'll see, my lady. Now, where were we?

Day 2047 down.

[hopelesshawks]

Ash and Dust Part 7- Opportunities

18+ Dabi x fem!reader

Summary: You first meet Dabi on the worst night of your life after unwittingly walking into the very bar the League of Villains made infamous. That should probably be the end of the story. You stumble on the remnants of one of the most infamous terrorist groups in the history of Japan, get viciously murdered or call the cops and get them arrested, the end. Except that’s not the end of the story. It’s only the beginning.

Masterlist Help Lulu (Kofi)

Waking up the morning after reclaiming your bedroom (at least in part) is jarring for two reasons.

The first is that you’re waking up next to Dabi.

For some reason you thought he might wake up before you, even though he’s pretty routinely demonstrated that he’s not an early riser. Perhaps you expected the knowledge that he was sleeping in the same bed as you to perturb him enough to get him up early. Instead your eyelashes had fluttered open to find him still deeply asleep with his face only a few inches from yours.

You fully intended on simply rolling over to either fall back asleep or get on with your day but you’d found yourself enthralled with his sleeping face instead. You know Dabi’s smirks, sneers, and scowls like the back of your hand after a little over a month of living with him. His resting face, however, is entirely foreign to you. You’ve never had a moment alone with him where he wasn’t antagonizing you and it’s odd to see him so peaceful. Your eyes trace over his face, taking in the extent of the scarring on his jaw and beneath his eyes, but also appreciating the unmarred expanses of skin as well. It strikes you that Dabi is pretty. It shouldn’t be surprising considering what you’ve seen of the youngest Todoroki in the press but even still. In another world where he’d never become the wanted criminal he is today, you wonder if he’d be a heartbreaker or a sweet, gentle type. Would he be as quiet and polite as his brother seems to be or would he still get a thrill from bantering with someone who isn’t afraid to banter right back? Would he be in the tabloids with a different girl every week or settle down early with his high school sweetheart? You’re fascinated by the idea of what the scarred man before you would be without the tragedy and the trauma. You might’ve sat there just taking him in until he woke up if not for the second reason waking up that morning was so jarring.

Your phone has been pinging literally non-stop.

You’ve never resented your notification sound more as its shrill tone continues to echo in your room, putting the fragile peace at risk. Even before you found yourself as alone as you are now your phone was never this busy. As much as you try to ignore it and wait for the tidal wave of what you assume are spam notifications to end, the sound finally drives you to turn over and grab it. Your eyes widen as you take in the sheer amount of Twitter notifications you have. As you unlock your phone and navigate over to the app your mentions are literally flooded with Deku fans screaming about your talent and how lucky you are. It’s a confusing litany of fangirling that you try to weed through until you get to one mention in particular that makes your breath catch in your throat.

You got a mention from the rising hero himself.

Holy shit.

You’ve never clicked a tweet so quickly in your entire life. Not only are you stunned to find he’s seen and loved your work but he also mentions wanting to talk if you’re interested. Sure enough, when you navigate over to the messages section of the app, a feature you’ve never bothered to use, you notice a message request from Midoriya ‘Deku’ Izuku waiting for you. It takes everything in you not to scream as you read the message there over and over before finally hopping out of bed and moving to the kitchen to call the number he’d left you. It’s a little endearing that he’d been so quick to hand out his number to a complete stranger on the internet but you also can’t help but wonder how someone so naive could be the same man drawing headlines over his heroics and combat skill. You’re not exactly a Deku fangirl but it’s still wild to be dialing a celebrity’s number as you punch in the numbers and then wait for it to ring.

On literally the second ring the phone is answered. “Pro Hero Deku at your service! Who’s calling?” the young man answers chirpily. “Uhh, this is (y/l/n)? You messaged me on twitter?” “Oh! Right! Yes! Hello! One second!”

You can hear Deku excusing himself from whatever room he’s in, a disgruntled voice mumbling something you can’t hear, causing Deku to reply with a hushed “Sorry Kacchan! I’ll be right back!” before there’s more shuffling and finally the sound of a heavy door closing.

“Ok I’m back! Thanks for reaching out to me so quickly!” he finally says now that he’s, apparently, in a better place to talk.

“Yea, of course I guess I’m just shocked you liked my art so much and really appreciate you drawing so much attention to it,” you explain, feeling short of breath at how surreal the situation is.

“Of course! You’re really talented! Your work deserves to get attention!”

“Thank you but, uh, why exactly did you want me to call you?”

“Right! It’s about your artwork.”

“Ok?”

“I want to sell it!”

“What?”

“Wait well no not sell it. Or not sell that particular piece although it is a nice piece and if you wanted to theoretically you could probably sell it although I guess it’s available for free online already so maybe people wouldn’t want to pay for it. Although it’s a painting right? And people buy or pay to go see paintings you can see online all the time so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad but if it’s for your own enjoyment you may not want to give it up which would be totally understandable and also how would that work logistically? If the painting is rather large it may be unwieldy to try and ship it to whoever purchases it, in which case would you have to meet up to try and give it to them by hand? But then that necessitates meeting up with a complete stranger on the internet and what if the person who buys it doesn’t live near you or, since it is the internet, doesn’t even live in Japan? Then you have to contend with international shipping and-”

“Uhh, Deku?” you ask cautiously, barely able to process the mumbling of the young man on the phone.

“Ah! Sorry! I can kinda end up on tangents sometimes... What I mean to say is that I’m not trying to sell the painting you posted or anything but I think you’re really talented as an artist and one of my friends is looking for someone to design a new merch collection.”

One of his friends? Your mind instantly starts running through his impressive list of ex classmates. Your first thought is Dynamight and immediately you shudder at the idea. He may be years younger than you but the aggressive pro hero still scares the shit out of you. Uravity could be an interesting hero to work with although you’re not quite sure you vibe with her aesthetic. Or maybe he’s talking about the new Ingenium?

“You’re real fucking loud in the mornings, you know that Doll?” Dabi asks with a groan as he comes walking into the room with a stretch.

You hurry to shush him, not wanting to lose the opportunity being presented to you, which earns you a curious look. Before you can react Dabi is snatching your phone out of your hand and putting it on speaker. You don’t dare protest verbally and risk alerting Deku of the situation so you have to settle for glaring at Dabi as he smirks at you.

“Yea so, anyway, Shouto really needs new merch but wanted something a little more sophisticated on the designs and I feel like you’d be perfect for that you know? Making all his stuff mini works of art. So what do you say?” Deku asks, his voice still brimming with that same enthusiasm while your blood runs cold. You’re genuinely scared to look up at Dabi’s face to see what he thinks about the idea of you working with his little brother. You hold your breath, Deku’s chipper voice going nervous as he asks “Hello? You still there?”

To your immense surprise, when you finally have the courage to bring your eyes up to meet Dabi’s, he’s got an almost feral grin. “You better take the fucking job,” he hisses delightedly, sending a chill down your spine as you stutter out a response to Deku, your eyes never leaving Dabi’s.

“Yea, sorry just processing. I’d, uh, I’d be happy to help out.”

“Great! I’ll pass your number on to Shouto and you two can meet up and figure out details!”

“Ok.”

“Cool, thanks (y/l/n)! Hopefully I’ll see you around!”

You hum noncommittally before hanging up the phone, still waiting for the other shoe to drop as you practically watch the gears turning in Dabi’s head.

“You’re…. Not mad I’m going to be working with your brother?” you ask cautiously.

“Oh no, I’m fucking delighted Doll. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re gonna help me have a little fun.”

A/N: We are finally starting to get to the meat of the story omg. I’m sorry this fic has been so slow going, especially compared to my others, but if you stick with I’m pretty sure it’ll be worth it. I appreciate each and every one of y’all that’s been reading this fic because main motivation to write it has been hard

Taglist: @thechroniclesofawriter @simpsfortodoroki @ahtsuwu @oliviasslut @larkspyrr @oikawaandkuroostan @tina-98 @vibesdontlie @clubfairy

[blackstonesandtrapnest]

If your’re still open for requests, could you do a headcanon for Letty Ortiz?🥰

Yes I can :) Since you weren’t specific, I assume you mean the typical SFW/NSFW headcanons! I’m so glad someone finally requested for Letty because she’s one of my favorite Fast and Furious characters and I’m a fan of Michelle Rodriguez in general :) I hope you enjoy these and I’m sorry they took so long!

~~SFW~~

1. Letty isn't your typical woman and can't be wooed through typical means. She isn't one for flowers and chocolates so you'll have to use unconventional methods to get her attention. Letty is bisexual so gender isn't an issue for her. She can be difficult to approach because of her resting bitch face and moodiness but she's harmless once you establish yourself as a non-threat.

2. If you know your way around cars, you'll already have Letty's attention regardless of whether you can race or not. If you can race, then she's all yours! If you don't have the courage to approach Letty, she'll most likely ask you out first. She doesn't like to beat around the bush and if she wants you, she's gonna make a move.

3. Letty is down to earth and can spot bullshit from a mile away so don't even bother trying to impress her by being flashy or being something you're not. Letty will humor you for a while for shits and giggles but when/if things get serious, she's gonna call you out on your BS with no filter.

4. With that being said, you're gonna need some thick skin to be with Letty. While she won't go out of her way to be an asshole, she's brutally honest and pulls no punches. She loves and respects herself and demands the same from you while giving it to you in return. If you carry yourself in the same way, Letty will love you even more!

5. If you lack self-confidence, self-esteem, or anything else related to that, Letty's your gal to help you with those issues! She'll uplift you and give you the guidance you need to move forward with your life. But Letty won't coddle you and if you need the help of a professional as well, then she will be the first to tell you.

6. Even in her older years, Letty still has a wild streak and isn't afraid to have a little fun so if you like having an adventure with some adrenaline, she's always down for it! She loves spontaneity and if you suggest something random out of the blue, she'll be happier than a pig in slop!

7. Letty's biggest character trait is loyalty. She is "Ride or Die" personified. No matter what happens between you two and no matter what issues you may have, Letty will always be by your side and she won't ever betray you or hurt you. Even if you two break up (assuming it's amicable), she wants to remain in your life and will still be there for you. It takes a lot for Letty to give up on someone and if she lets you go, then you've fucked up immensely and good luck getting back into her heart after the fact.

8. The main obstacle in being with Letty is that she can be too critical and harsh. Even if you have thick skin, it'll wear on you eventually. Sometimes Letty just keeps it too real. If you have an issue with it, just tell her and Letty will apologize and try to be more uplifting. She doesn't mean to hurt you and just wants you to be best version of yourself that you can be.

9. Another obstacle with Letty is jealousy and possessiveness but she gets better at this in her older years. It's not that she doesn't trust you. She doesn't trust other people and she'll be damned if she loses you to someone else. In Letty's mind, you'll never truly be hers and while this mindset definitely has its benefits, it can also have its drawbacks as well. If you're feeling smothered, just speak up and Letty will listen and back off....for the time being.

10. Letty is pretty affectionate and handsy both in public and in private especially when she's feeling possessive of you. Expect a few kisses and a hand on your ass or her arm around your waist while in public and a full-blown make-out session when in private which will end up leading to other activities.

~~NSFW~~

1. Letty is highly selective when it comes to dating and she's even more selective when it comes to sex. She doesn't want to waste her time dealing with shitty people and she needs to know if you're a keeper or not. So it's safe to say that Letty won't be sleeping with you until she knows she has you on lock.

2. Is it worth the wait? Hell yes! Letty is very passionate in bed and to her, there are very few things more pleasurable than making love with her significant other. She's a switch which makes her more flexible when it comes to sexual preferences. Letty's down for whatever!

3. Letty likes it rough and she likes it hard. Spank her, pull her hair, bite her, talk dirty to her, the works! Her safe word is "Mazda" and if you have any boundaries or things you don't like, Letty will respect that and treat you like the king/queen you are!

4. If you want Letty to be slow and sensual, she'll have a hard time getting adjusted to that because she's never done it before. But once she does get used to it, Letty will be so tender that your orgasms will bring you to tears! The only time Letty will be slow and sensual is during aftercare.

5. Location and atmosphere is important to Letty. She won't just have sex with you whereever and whenever. There has to be some build-up to it and the location has to be just right and private. Letty isn't one for having sex in public and will shoot you down if you initiate it. You wanna fuck her? Wait until you two get a room!

6. Letty's favorite position is doggystyle without a doubt! She also likes any variation of cowgirl and the lotus. If you're a woman, Letty prefers fingers and tongue because it feels better but that doesn't mean she opposes sex toys! Strap-ons and dildos will be your best friends in bed with her! Also she's a size queen so expect some stretching to happen.

7. If you wanna get Letty riled up and make her extra horny, call her "Mami" or "Mistress". Whether it's in bed or out of it, her brain will turn to mush and if you thought she was rough before, oh boy! You don't know the half of it!

8. You'll have the same effect if you speak Spanish to Letty. Not in general but if you whisper something dirty in Spanish in her ear for example, Letty will passionately kiss you right then and there and if you're in private, you're getting fucked. No questions asked.

9. If you have any insecurities about your body or performance, don't be afraid to tell Letty. She has a praise kink and if you need reassuring, she'll praise you all the way to a holy orgasm! If you praise her in return, Letty will bask in it and act like a little shithead so don't stroke her ego too much!

10. Letty doesn't like humiliation at all. If you try that on her, she'll be giving you a death glare like never before and you'll be lucky if she even fucks you again! The most she'll do is verbal humilation and she'll also do it to you if you wish. It kinda goes hand-in-hand with her love for rough sex.

[thekavseklabs]

Pros / Cons of Dating My Muse

Name: Vynathr (or Vynathra) Levnahra, Al-ke Roha Alria

Species: Aquatic/Sea Kei

Sexuality: Pansexual

Pros:

He is incredibly strong. You weigh nothing to him. If you wish it he can literally just carry you around the entire day and not really notice. Not so mention his other powers. For instance he can self-duplicate and become a hive mind at will, so he can go to work and can stay in bed and cuddle at the same time, no problem.

Considering the fact that he's constantly boiling with rage, he's shockingly patient. If Vynathr cares about you, he will literally wait for eternity when it comes to anything important. He has that time, and you are worth it. And if the answer isn't what he hoped for, that's alright. He will always, always accept your needs, wants, or lack thereof.

Cuddles! He wants them pretty much all of the time, and, well... World hard and cold? Vynathr's tiddies soft and warm, Vynathr's arms strong and safe. If he has his wings out, he can curl them around you both, so you can have a cozy dark room to snuggle and nap in at any time of day. And he purrs and rumbles and will stroke your hair and in general is just really nice to snuggle.

Vynathr is limitlessly determined and, depending on verse and timeline, Hella Fucking Rich And Powerful. If you want a thing, you are getting that goddamn thing, whether the rest of the world likes it or not. He will throw hands with the entire planet on your whim, and he will win. You are dating a man who is relentlessly shoving and blurring and breaking the boundary of godhood without even trying, expect no less.

His singing is lovely, and so is his art. When Vynathr is content (and he is, he loves you very much, and you make his life so much better just by being there), your life is full of beautiful things. Soft, low rumbling wordless song and hums lull you to sleep at night, clever hands play guitar in the morning, and you will recieve many little hand-carved figurines and sketches. He'll write songs for you, surprise you with them in quiet moments through the day.

Vynathr understands the need to go out and Do Things. He won't get offended if you prioritize your life or go out often or spend time with friends. He might not socialize with said friends if asked, but he lives a very solitary lifestyle, that's not a surprise. He mostly just dozes through their visits to avoid them.

He's easy to please. He has access to all the grand things- give him something small. He doesn't want much, and just time spent with him makes him happy- material things don't have to be fancy either. He'll appreciate and keep just about anything.

Cons:

As stated above, Vynathr is constantly shoving on the boundary between mortal and god, without trying. He has buried subconscious memories of times before mortals existed, before this body's birth. He is immensely powerful, and it's impossible to understand exactly whats wrong sometimes. Often he doesn't know either. All you can do is be there, and that's upsetting.

Vynathr has had an intensely fucked up time. Even if his curse is cured there are lingering effects. He is angry, often absolutely enraged over nothing at all. He has the hunger and drive to destroy planetary systems. Don't expect that to just go away, even if he stops.

On the subject of fucked up, he has a lot of trauma and emotional baggage. Vynathr considers himself to be the worst, most disgusting and harmful and just fundamentally awful thing that could possibly exist. A couple soft words wont get rid of that either. He will try to leave you for your own good, he will insult himself, he will refuse affection that he desperately needs.

He reacts explosively to small things if they set him off. If he feels something he doesn't understand (aka anything at all, he's a special kind of emotionally repressed), he might lash out or shut down or scream and fight about it. The man has no healthy coping mechanisms, at all. The majority of his vitrol may be directed at himself, but it's still a huge and at times dangerous mess.

Vynathr can be strange at times, and kei in general have some concerning ways to convey affection. Their sound for intense anger and deep satisfaction or pleasure is the same (a deep rumble low in the chest, distinct and different from a purr), and even by that standard Vynathr expresses himself strangely. His expression is generally harsh even when in bliss, and his ears are pinned back or lowered nearly 100% of the time. That vicious looking snarl and growl when he sees you is affectionate. Don't mind the huge claws and teeth.

Sharp boy. You will be bit. He might break your collarbone and mangle you a bit in the process. It's 'cause he loves you. He tries his best to remember to Not Do That, but instinct is a powerful thing at times. In general he is animalistic and scary and dangerous. Even the supposedly harmless stuff line shoving his face into you like a cat wanting to be pet has potential to knock you over.

Most importantly Vynathr is a fucked up man from a fucked up society. You are dating a monster, first and foremost, and that won't change. He's a harsh and violent person with a set of morals that aren't always going to align with yours. Even when he tries he is often blunt and harsh. You can't fix him and if you try to, you'll only break him further, make him more traumatized and untrusting and angry. You can only accept who he is in this reality, violence and all.

Tagged by: I stole it from @lxgatus a month ago and then forgot

Tagging: YOU. Say I tagged you

[catboynecromancy]

sometimes i’m like yes i could write a fanfic if i wanted to because i have many ideas, but then i read masterpieces such as your latest work and i’m like yeah i could never write in such a beautiful way, like how the fuck do i even describe a city and a weather i have never experience, but also i get that writing can be self indulgent and i want that, and like sometimes i do think of words that sound nice (at least in my mind) but is always in the most inconvenient circumstances like in the shower, or when i’m about to fall sleep, so i never have the opportunity to write them down, and i always forget what i was thinking. anyway, if it’s ok to ask i’m a little curious about the process of how you write your stories, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to. and it goes without saying that i loooooove your writing xoxo 😘

Hi anon, sorry it took me a bit to get to this. I hope you're having a lovely morning/day/evening/night wherever you are! 💕 I am going to try making this as concise as I can, okay?

First off, I want to say how much I appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to send this message. Thank you so much for reading my work and being so supportive of me and for the nice words about my writing 😭💕

Next, I want to say, you should absolutely write fanfic! If you have ideas you want to see come to life, try your hand at writing them! Everyone starts somewhere and writing is, like pretty much everything else, a thing that you can practice on to develop your skills over time. Reading both published fiction and fanfic helps immensely with writing as well, especially when it comes to learning how to describe things in ways you find personally satisfying. 😊

I am going to let you in on a little secret. Or maybe it's not so much of one. Most fic writers whose stuff you like? They compare themselves to other writers, they look at someone else's work and they feel discouraged (or sometimes inspired!) about their own stuff. They think, "Oh, I wish I could describe this particular emotion the way they did", or "Wow their characterization is incredible, I could never", or "The way they handle dialogue is so good why can't I write like that?"

I cannot even express the number of times I have read a fic and wished my writing was like that, but then I realize there are stories only I can tell hanging around up in my head, or ways I can put words together that no one else can do. It's the same for you, anon. There are stories that you're the only person in the whole world that could bring them to life, and if this is something you want to do, don't let yourself worry too much about what other people are doing. Instead, look at their stuff, shape it into inspiration instead of discouragement.

I'm not an expert in any way. My writing process is terrible, it's sloppy, it's slow, it's not really much at all. I talk some close friends' ears off (thank you lizzie, sophie, amber, cheeeryos)! I often find inspiration from music, or conversations, and shape those into stories I want to tell. From there, sometimes I outline, sometimes I don't. Most often, I don't, and the only fic I have a full outline for is tapoma. I can sometimes write a couple thousand words a day, or will sit staring at a wall for 6 hours and only get 200 words in. It's all very...well! It's a lot, but it's fun, and it's worth it when I finish something that I feel proud of :)

So I guess TDLR; Anon you CAN write in a way that is beautiful. It seems daunting at first, but writing is like a puzzle, sometimes it's hard to find the pieces that fit together, and sometimes you find them instantly and it all slots together juuust right. Sometimes you have to move pieces around until you find something that may not be right, but is satisfying in it's own way.

Actually, idk where i am going with this. I just want you to know everyone struggles, everyone thinks they aren't good enough, but you are, all you have to do is start!

Also, anon, if you love pynch (and you're 18+) and would at all be interested in a server, there are a lot of us writers in there who I am sure would be glad to talk about our process, our inspiration, and help in whatever way we can, so feel free to hit up my DMs if that is anything that interests you.

💕

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

Unspoken: Chapter One - Oikawa Tooru x f!reader

Oikawa has been in love with you since you became a manager for the university’s volleyball team, but keeps it to himself in fear of what his fan club might do to you if they found out

genre(s): college!au, mutual pining (mostly Oikawa), friends to lovers, angst, eventual smut  words: 3k+

a/n: don’t worry folks, i just got carried away with this fic and felt it would be better to split it up. chapter 2 is complete and will be up tomorrow 💖 with a bonus smut ending if you are a heathen like me. enjoy ~ J ✨ i am also sorry i made the fan club so bitchy

taglist: @takingyouruwus @kurosarium @apollochjld @afterglowkuroo  (lmk if you’d like to be added to my general or a specific taglist!)

Chapter 2 

The Oikawa fan club is definitely not a fan of you, and you certainly aren’t of them. Not because you have a crush on him too but because they’re obnoxious and take the best seats at volleyball games. It also doesn’t help that they outright despise you. They don’t even try to hide it. Snickering in the hallways at school or passing quick remarks whispered amongst them at games. You really aren’t a fan of that. You don’t care, you don’t care, you don’t care—you chant to yourself to keep your tongue locked behind your teeth. It isn’t worth your time or the effort.

Not until you hear one of them hiss today at the game, “What is she even doing up here? I thought she’s the manager,” a scoff. “Guess the team likes Miko better.”

Your fists ball instinctively. You can’t sit down there, as much as you’d like to. If they knew anything deeper about volleyball beyond Oikawa’s killer serve and being obsessed with his ‘pretty hair’ they’d know that you might be a manager but there is a senior manager who outranks you and only one is allowed on the bench down on the court.  

Though you have to admit, sitting up here in the bleachers with the Oikawa ogling brigade in front of you—the manager—fawning over his every move is degrading. You don’t necessarily have to sit directly behind them, but god dammit you want to see the game too and are willing to grin and bear it for the sake of the team. You can’t sit in the normal cheering section crowded with students either since you arrive late and would have to sit at the back of the stands. So, this is the better of two options, even if today the fan club is being particularly petty.

“Or maybe she’s just a wannabe,” another snickers, loud enough that you know she is intending you to hear it.

That pushes you over the edge, making you abruptly stand up. You’re wearing a university volleyball club jacket for fucks sake! Are they really so shallow as to start slinging rumors like that around? They jolt at your sudden movement, glaring back at you, clearly with no intention of apologizing. They so obviously just want you to leave.

You want to watch the game, support the boys you watch work so hard and work hard for yourself, but you don’t want to be around for this bullshit. You know shouldn’t care, but you do, and it fucking ruins the game for you.

Instead of giving them some mean remark like you’re itching to throw at them, you just turn on a heel and go. You stride up the steps and towards the exit right as you hear the crowd gear up for Oikawa’s serve. You stop once you reach the doorway, fists clenched and trembling with anger, furious at yourself for letting them get under your skin. Exactly like they wanted to. You should have stayed as a silent ‘fuck you’ to them, but you can’t stomach going back either. Not like they even care anyways, probably too wrapped up in Oikawa’s serve. Now a sigh escapes you; forcing your hands to unfurl and stretch the ache that formed from how tightly you had them clenched.

You need to take a breath and move on. You have nothing to prove to them, all the matters is that you know where you stand. It also makes you feel better that the team actually knows you, they can pretend it isn’t true all they want but that doesn’t change that you get to spend time with the team, and inevitably, Oikawa. A fact they loathe.

You end up lingering in the hallway near the entrance to the gym, waiting for the game to finish. Usually you can be a part of the between game meetings if you want to, sometimes you can’t get down there fast enough but sitting here in the hallway, you’ll make it today. While you wait, you slide down the wall to sit, leaning against it and pulling your legs close to rest your chin on.

You like to think that you have tough skin and their words can’t hurt you, but they do. And while you may not put the same about of blood, sweat, and tears the boys do into the sport—you put in your fair share for them, and it’s hard to be met with scoffs and sideways glances purely because of jealousy. You’re appreciated enough by those who matter, so why are you so bothered by the fan club?  Shaking your head at the fleeting thought that it has anything to do with Oikawa, you convince yourself it’s just annoyance that you can’t enjoy games like you’d like to.

Interrupting your thoughts, the whistle blows to signal the end of the game and you perk your head up. You’re grateful for the distraction, not really wanting to delve deeper into your thoughts about Oikawa, and peek into the gym. Miko notices your head in the doorway and waves you in to join the huddle.

Ha, take that fan club. Wannabe my ass.

Miko’s movement catches Oikawa’s attention. He looks to where her attention is drawn and watches you beam before throwing the door wide and joining the huddle by Miko’s side. He wonders what you were doing waiting by the door, normally you wait until the last possible moment before bolting from your seat in the bleachers to join the huddle. You never want to miss a single second of the game, which he finds rather endearing. And he can’t remember the last time you skipped out on a game early.

He stares at you, trying to get your attention, but you’re fixated on the coach, no doubt trying to soak up as much information as possible. It makes his mouth curve ever so slightly at how eagerly you listen during these huddles. When you do briefly slide your gaze over to him, he gives you a questioning look to which you just shake your head at and point discretely at the coach.

Ah. Your way of saying, ‘shut up and listen’.

He supposes he likes that about you. Your bluntness.

So, with an eyeroll, he fixes his eyes on the coach, fully intending on pestering you later about it. He tries to grab you before the next game, but you hurry away as soon as the whistle is blown, and his fingers grasp empty air.

The team wins the next set, winning the match without going to the 3rd set. As customary, he lines up with the team to thank the spectators and Oikawa gets the chance to pick you out in the crowd. He spots you off to the side, and he’s noted since meeting you that you don’t sit with the cheering crowd, but rather on your own. It’s never too hard to find you, your face split in two by a smile as you clap for them. It’s then that he notices who is sitting directly in front of you.

He fights the urge to frown. He likes to think he’s a polite guy, having always given attention to his so called ‘fan club’. He got used to it in high school, the constant barrage of placating a group of fans, but had been secretly looking forward to hopefully leaving it behind. Only to have a new one re-emerge within the first few months of school. The other guys on the team weren’t too keen about him for a while after that. It took him forever to convince them to tolerate him again.

And he hates that they give you trouble. Ever since they discovered you interact with him outside of school, it seems they deemed you an enemy. He tries to stay away from you during regular school hours, keeping it limited to volleyball only, but lately the two have started bleeding together. He simply can’t help himself, however selfish that may be. Gathering his things, he wonders if they’re the cause for your weird behavior earlier.

He glances at you helping Miko put away the chairs, a tight feeling constricting his chest. God—if he ever told you how he actually feels about you, what would his fan club do then? How miserable would they make you? But damn him to hell, he’s selfish, and it doesn’t stop him from striding over to you cooing your name.

Without hesitation you reply, “Oikawa-san~,” in the same sing-song voice he uses for you. You don’t even bother to look over your shoulder at him, continuing your task.

“What was with the little peeping tom imitation earlier?”

You’re glad to be facing away from him, your skin prickling with the thought of having to explain to him that his fan club was pissing you off. Surely earning yourself a more prying follow-up question that you definitely do not want to answer. So instead you shrug, brushing off his question, “You guys were so far ahead, and I was sure your serves would end it, so I figured I’d actually be a part of the entire huddle.”

He squints, finding that to be rather out of character for you. “You missed my serves though!” He pouts, deciding it’s better for him to let you off the hook than continue to pry. He doesn’t think you’d tell him anyways, no matter how much he pesters you.

“Oh, big baby. I missed what? Two?”

“What if they were my best yet!” He protests, leaning around you so you can see his impressive pout. It delights him that he elicits a smile from you, peering at him from the corner of your eye, clearly finding his antics amusing. “Guess you’ll have to help me with serving practice to make up for it.”

You stick your tongue out at him, which he hates to admit he watches very closely as you answer, “Fine.” Though, truthfully, he’s not really pulling your leg too much. You like helping him practice.

He can’t help how his mouth turns downward into a frown as another member of the team, a bold freshman, butts into the conversation. “Need any help?”

Though he does find immense delight at the way your face falls to a neutral expression, giving him a curt, “I’m alright, thank you.” You don’t even turn to him, instead tilting your head to look at Oikawa continuing, “Oikawa-san is more than enough help here. Why don’t you see if they need help putting away the net?”

The freshman slinks away and Oikawa has to physically restrain himself from doing a victory lap as you shove a chair into his hands grumbling to yourself. The muttering continues as you move to put away more chairs, loud enough that he catches you say, “Is he ever going to get the hint?”

“What?”

You almost drop the chair you’re holding, turning wide-eyed at Oikawa, not realizing you’d been talking out loud to yourself. “It’s nothing.”

He frowns. “Is he bothering you?”

God he’s talking so loudly, making you nervous that the underclassman might hear him. “Can you talk any louder?” You hiss. Oikawa’s expression doesn’t change, however, and you groan really not wanting to get into this right now. “He’s been at it for a couple weeks now,” you say, trying to play off the situation as best you can. You’ve never had someone as persistent in pursuing you as he is, or someone as oblivious to your subtle rejections either.

You vaguely wonder if this is how Oikawa feels all the time with his fan club.

“Wanna pretend to date for a while?” He suggests harmlessly in your opinion, but very selfishly in his. And while he knows he isn’t joking in the slightest—you certainly think he is and bark out a laugh at the idea of fake dating him to get the underclassman off your back. “What?” He pouts. “Is it so crazy of an idea?”

You’re laughing even harder now, enough that people are beginning to look your way, so you swallow you remaining laughter and wipe your eyes dramatically. “It just don’t want to be murdered in the dead of night by your fan club, that’s all.”

You go back to collapsing chairs and don’t notice Oikawa stiffen. He doesn’t like being reminded that his fan club will literally rip apart any girl he is even remotely interested in. And he isn’t just interested in you. He likes you. A lot.

Clearly not thinking anything of this conversation, you say over your shoulder, “What are all those muscles for if you’re not going to carry more chairs than me?” He blinks back to reality and makes a show of picking up way more chairs than you and putting them away faster too. That only earns him a scowl in response, but he knows it’s only for show.

~

“Oh, pleeeeeease?” Oikawa almost gets on his knees begging you. Practice is done but he wants to stay late and hammer in more serves before the night is over. And sue him if he thinks it’s way more enjoyable if you stay to help him. “You promised last week!” You groan, scrunching your eyes tight, not wanting to look at his stupidly adorable pouting face that usually breaks you. It doesn’t help that you can feel he is standing very close to you. “You’re going to have to open your eyes sometime.”

“Nope, I’ll walk all the way home like this.”

He pleads your name again. “You’re going to miss the rare sight of Oikawa Tooru on his knees for you!”

You don’t budge. “Nice try.”

“I’m serious!” Now he really does get on his knees, dramatically putting his hands together to beg you. “This is a once in a lifetime chance!”

He keeps it to himself that you could definitely get him on his knees for many different reasons.

He’s sure that he’s broken you when you groan loudly and peek an eye open at him. Upon seeing that he is being serious, both of your eyes widen, and you have the audacity to start giggling at him. “I should take a picture.”

That makes him scramble to his feet, sticking his tongue out at you. “You better not.” It just makes you grin and his heart soars at the sight. He can’t help that your smile makes his stomach do somersaults. He takes you by the arm and drags you further into the gym before jogging over to the other side of the court and grabbing a ball from the cart.

He loves that he doesn’t have to tell you what to do. You’re already digging through your bag to find objects to place around the opposite side of the net for him to aim for. He notices that you’ve placed some of them very meanly—some sitting just barely on the outside line, others in spots that he has a record of having trouble hitting. And while it makes his chest swell with pride you even notice his performance, the scowl across his face betrays his annoyance that you aren’t making this easy.

If you’re going to help him—he’s going to have to work for it.

And hell, if that doesn’t drive him wild.

“Those good?” You ask, stepping off to the side, a smug smirk splayed across your lips.

You know exactly what you’re doing.

He levels a look at you that you return with a sickeningly sweet yet utterly terrifying smile. “You’re going to have to do better than that, I’m afraid.”

Your smile transforms into something that makes his stupid fucking shorts tighten, holding his gaze steadily as you challenge, “We’ll see.” Then you tear your eyes from his and he feels like you’ve ripped his chest out with it and like he can barely get enough air into his lungs. He knows the challenge is to drive him to do better, to perform the best of his ability, but damn—he’ll give 110% for the rest of his life if you ask him to.

You will never admit how much you love watching Oikawa play volleyball. Watching him shift from his teasing, easy-going smile, to this intensely serious and calculating gaze that while foreign to you—is also so strangely familiar. You feel lucky to be able to watch him up close, someone who has honed their craft, yet is ever looking to be better. When it comes down to it, you truly admire Oikawa and want to be there to watch him grow and see where he goes. Because to you, the sky’s the limit for him.

Where the hell are those thoughts coming from?

The sound of a volleyball slamming onto the court, sending the notebook you placed on the line skittering across the floor, startles you. “Hey! Pay attention!” Oikawa scolds. You quickly apologize, knowing full well how much a stray volleyball can hurt. “And make sure you’re watching! I’m going to hit every single one of those first try.”

You nod, a bit blankly, still reeling from the thoughts tumbling through your head. He tosses another ball up, his powerful thighs straining as he thrusts his body upwards, hand meeting the ball at the perfect point—the sound of his hand cracking against it almost as loud as the sound that reverberates around the gym when it connects with the floor. It all happens in the blink of an eye, but you feel like you’re watching it in slow motion until his feet touch the floor and you’re jolted back to reality.

God, what the fuck is going on with you tonight?

Oikawa isn’t blind. He knows you’re watching him. And it sends such a thrill down his spine he doesn’t know what to do with himself besides channel as his energy into his serves. Otherwise he’s going to do something very stupid tonight.

You’re uncannily quiet for the remainder of the night. Just watching him serve over and over again, and when he’s finished, helping him pick up the balls and set up the targets so he can start again. He is desperate to know what’s going through your head, but he lets you stew, just as interested in what conclusion you might be coming to on your own.

It’s not his fault that his imagination runs absolutely fucking wild that night. He can’t sleep, theorizing what changed today—if anything did. What were you thinking about as you watched him so intently? What flipped the switch? Are you thinking about him right now, lying awake in bed like he is? It torments him even in his dreams.

~

He does keep you awake that night. You can’t get the image of him out of your head. His voice either. It’s infuriating. You try to convince yourself he’s just a friend. That all those late nights in the gym, all the times he’s walked you home, all the bus rides you’ve fallen asleep on his shoulder, are harmless. He hasn’t wormed his way into your heart, he hasn’t made you fall in love with him slowly and quietly and its only now hitting you like a tidal wave—has he?

Fuck. Has he?

You’re grateful your roommates’ room is down the hall, giving you the freedom to scream into your pillow.

Are you a fucking Oikawa fan girl now?

You don’t know the difference between you and them is that he’s been in love with you a lot longer than you can even imagine.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen: What's In Your Head

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite.

FemShepxKaidan

"So, I'm in the presence of the Commander Shepard?"

She snorted, politely forcing her eyes away from the beer he set on the side table. Focusing her sights out the large picture window, it was a nice day, so she had the glass door open onto the balcony. Roy already headed in that direction, leaning over the balcony.

"Nice view for a brig!"

"I'm not-," she huffed, of course, he was teasing, "it feels almost like the brig."

"But it's Captain Shepard now," her eyes rolled, "I suppose I should reintroduce myself. My name is Mary."

The name still felt thick in her mouth, she struggled to allow it to belong to her.

"Jane wasn't much better," Roy grumbled, looking over his shoulder and at the table, "you're still Recruit to me. Grab us a beer, and get out here."

"Aye, Aye Sir."

Mary slid beside him, taking in the view of the city under them. Her gaze found what she thought would be the direction of the Alenko residence. They drank quietly for several minutes, enjoying the silence.

"Am I getting that lecture now?"

The man snorted, "no, because I am one of those assholes that hoped you would come out of this alive. As Jane, as Mary."

It was Mary's turn to snort, "I was such an ass."

"A little," he let time drag out between his words, finishing half his beer in that time, "how did you manage to return to the Alliance after going MIA and walk out with two promotions?"

She grinned, elbowing the man, "you fucking- apparently commendable duty during a time of distress. I don't completely understand how they- I suppose." Her tone flipped, her head falling.

"Kid," it was like being called by her middle name, his shoulders drew, "you had problems, but everyone did. Everyone lost someone. The difference was when it mattered; you were there—doing what had to be done. Hell, I don't know why anyone looked up to me like I knew anything. Sure, some old Alliance training kicked in- but I was way in above my head. Setting up patrols, security, duty rosters- that wasn't me, that was you."

"I remember things differently."

Roy sighed before a half-laugh tumbled from his lips, "it all came that easy to you? I may have been the friendly face, but they knew you were the one running the show. Remember when that damn krogan attacked? Korvac didn't even bother with me, Wrex either. I was a useless old man," he flicked away her attempt to soothe him, "that's why everyone vouched for you."

Mary blushed, chugging down the rest of her beer, "I knew you had something to do with it."

"I really liked that Bailey guy," his amber eyes pointed at her until she met his gaze, "I would have liked to hear firsthand how you singlehandedly brought down the Illusive Man and restored the Citadel."

"That, that- that had hardly anything to do with me. I didn't know who he was, and he just attacked me. I just happened to throw him over a ledge and incapacitated him," Mary broke eye contact, staring at the empty bottle she rolled around in her hands, "the Keeper did most of the work. If you've heard anything honest about me- you'd know I'm shit with the technical side of things. I simply placed the spike."

"After jumping through the beam blind."

She shrugged, letting him grab the next round.

"Saving the Galaxy might have been a small part of it too."

Roy toasted to that.

"I owe you an apology for not coming clean. I should have, I just- I wasn't," Mary faltered again, her voice wavering, "it was wrong. Everything I was going through-"

He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I don't need an explanation. Or to hear why you acted the way you did. It's okay; you did what you could at the moment."

"What I could wasn't enough."

"How so?" he grasped that this wasn't about her time on Earth, not entirely.

She gestured out to the scarred city below them, luckily liquid did not spill from the bottle, "I should have made them listen better."

"You alone could force an entire Galaxy to listen to one person?"

Mary grunted, "but I could have saved more people. I'm sure you heard about the Alpha Relay mess. 304,942 Batarians. Thing is, I-"

"You what?"

"Part of me doesn't feel that sorry, watching those bastards kill my parents. My friends, everyone I knew- I," she shuddered, attempting to pull away from him, but he brought her in tighter, "did I not try hard enough because of my history?"

"That would be difficult for anyone," Roy kept his tone even, "but did you originally course the asteroid for the Relay? If you had not been there, would the same thing have happened? Worse, the Reapers would have gotten here earlier."

Mary was seeking condemnation. Hearing everything spat back at her with utter acceptance and truth was frustrating, almost patronizing at this point, "So I'm just freed from consequence? Because of some moral loophole? Letting morals get in the way of alliances and troops was worth it? Of allowing my love for the Krogan to be a wedge between the Salarians joining the war effort? It was all at the price of a simple lie. My distaste for Cereberus could have waited- I could have swallowed my pain, and maybe he wouldn't have gone looking for Reapers to give him answers.

It's all fucked, and I thought I was doing the right thing. But is sometimes doing the right thing, wrong? Like a friend said, 'Stand in the ashes of a trillion souls, and ask them if honor matters. The silence is your answer.' I could have saved more people. I should have swallowed my pride and done the smart thing!"

"You ever think the galaxy put too much of a burden on one person? You put too much of the burden on one person," Roy held her out at arm's length, trying to catch her eyes even if she would avoid it, "you learned an important lesson in all of this. Even the right actions have consequences. It won't make you feel better, but it's something to remember."

Mary sighed, deflating, "you're annoying."

She needed time to digest that, time to talk it out further.

"Right back at you, Recruit. You know how many of your friends I have been fighting off?"

"Can't be worse than the press, I'm glad they have me on lockdown." Her smile returned. Her messages must be going crazy, but she had to take reentry slowly. The constant evals and talking to counselors was enough to drive anyone mad. It was helpful but maddening. Mary couldn't deny she needed it to work out the guilt, disassociation, and convergence of indoctrination playing on her grasp of reality and the past.

It was more than she could handle when she was forced to take visits from councilors, delegates, and top military brass. Hackett could only stop so much. He wore out most of his favors during the war.

Her first interview, done after immense political and public pressure, had left her reeling for days.

"Tell them," her crew, her family, "I'm sorry. I just- I need more time."

With all her heart, Mary wanted nothing more but a happy reunion. To hug, dance, and cry with every single one of them. But seeing them all at once would be far too much to handle, and she didn't have the space to let herself ruminate (with guilt) over who she would allow back in first. With the flurry of her emotions so unpredictable, she had to wait. It tugged at her but it was for the best. Mary had to be selfish.

"I can pass that along," Roy smiled softly, finishing his second beer, "thanks for letting me visit. At least, I'm waiting patiently for the day you can be back with us. Evelyn, not so much."

"And Kaidan?"

"He's a little hurt. But hopeful."

Mary flinched, pulling her eyes closed tight, "if anything deserves you getting mad at me..."

"It's a cliche line, but loves makes us crazy."

"Tell him- I'm sorry too. That I'm working on it," she drew in her bottom lip, "feels stupid to say if this doesn't work out."

"He knows."

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Pain (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: finally, a kakashi one shot. I've been trying so hard to write one but his character is so difficult for me, so deep and mysterious and im just an idiot. Tell me if this story is shit, lol. Anyway, Soulmate AU, kinda fluffy, kinda sad idk what to say about it. 

word count: 5000~

Part One/Part Two

“Trust me,” the boy whispered to me. “It’s going to be okay.”

His arms wound around me, as I dozed in and out of consciousness. Lightning struck every couple minutes, illuminating the area just enough up so I could see the carnage around us. Dead bodies, left and right, blood splattered on trees and shinobi crying over the bodies of their teammates and loved ones.

This war would show no mercy, it had taken someone from every clan, every household. Mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, lovers, friends. No one was safe from the storm reigning over the nations.

The rain had left me drenched, and I kept coughing on the water running up my nose and into my mouth. I felt like i was drowning in my own body, lungs filled with water, heart filled with pain. 

I could feel the burden on this boy’s shoulders as he panicked over my limp, bloodied form. I didn’t know why he was saving me, or how he even noticed my body among the dozens of others left among those battling for their lives. 

I didn’t have the strength to ask him, words absent from my mind and my tongue.

“I need to keep fighting. Where are the medics, for fucks sake,” my rescuer grumbled under his breath. Fire shot above our heads, and a girl screamed in pain behind us. I felt like I was going to pass out from not only pain but sheer fear. We were sitting there asking to be killed.

Quickly, he lifted me in his arms and ran deeper into the forest, farther away from the man with the flames. 

I tried to speak, but blood caught in my throat and had me spitting it down my neck and onto my shirt. I was at the complete disposal of this stranger.

“Kakashi!”

My teammate. His voice was unmistakable. “Is that Y/N? What- Jesus, that looks bad,” my friend exclaimed as he approached my body. Suddenly my body was being handed off, and I gasped for air, more drops of blood coming up to taste on my tongue. 

“Gai, she needs to get to a medic; she’s your teammate right?” 

“Right away, Kakashi!” He turned on his heel and prepared to push off into a jump through the trees when he paused. “You don’t even know Y/N, what made you save her?”

“I don’t know. I just knew I couldn’t let her die,” the silver haired boy, whom I know knew as the famous Kakashi, trained by the fourth Hokage himself, paused, his eyes stuck on my face for a long minute. “She deserves to live, that’s all I know.” With those being the last words out of his mouth, the boy rushed into the trees, ready to fight another battle for our village. I knew who Kakashi was from the name, but I had never formally met him. He just saved me, and I didn't know whether to feel honored that he found me worth saving or ashamed that I was so weak I couldn't defend myself.

Gai carried me to the edge of the forest where a medic tent was set up. He rocked me softly in his arms as I choked on the mere air I was breathing in, and gasped when my chest felt too heavy to support itself. He was a friend, the best friend I’ve ever had, even if he was painfully unbearable at times. 

People even asked me, time and time again, is Might Gai your soulmate? No one can stand that kid, she must be his soulmate, poor girl. That’s what they would say. But no. We were friends. And Kakashi, was Gai’s sort-of-friend, but mostly he acted as an admirer.

He had mentioned Kakashi time and time again in secret. He would call him a hero, someone so talented and majestic, you would think he was talking about a seasoned shinobi like the Hokage. He felt challenged by his skill, but grateful for his help when he was being bullied. 

I guess, you could say Kakashi Hatake was my hero now too. Such a quiet guy, yet more noble than any one of us.

___________________________________

I don't normally show my soul mark, hidden away under my layers, resting on my shoulder blade. I show it to people when they ask, because it really doesn't matter if people see it or not. I know they aren't my soulmate.

I wasn’t surw who I was destined to be with. Over the years of being a shinobi, I encountered thousands of people, all of whom could have been the one, or not. I may have met them before and not known about it, but I highly doubt it. 

Kurenai told me when you meet your soulmate for the first time, it's such a distinct feeling that you can't miss it. You can't dismiss it as just a chill running through your body. As far as I can remember, I've never felt something like that: so significant that it would haunt me even today. I try not to dwell on the fact that I may never meet my soulmate, or that I've passed them by in another village or on a mission and will never see them again. 

I honestly try not to think about my soulmate at all. It's so hopeless and only brings people anxiety and paranoia. The people who go around asking to see every single person's mark are fools in my opinion.

Yes, I do think it would be nice to meet my soulmate and love them forever unconditionally, constantly having someone to hold and talk to. Yet...I can get so much shit done when I don't have to worry about some fate-forseen destiny. 

I laid in my bed, pillow over my face to drown out the sunlight and sounds of the birds chirping. I didn't have a mission today, and my team of Genin was out on a mission themselves for the next week. I had time to do absolutely nothing but sleep and relax. That is, if my fellow villagers would leave me alone for once.

But not today. I can't have one day off, can I?

"Rise and Shine, woman of the night! Half a day of youth has been wasted, my friend!" A loud bellowing voice called from outside my room. "If you don't wake up and open the door in 10 seconds, I will force the door down." Seriously…fuck Gai.

I rolled out of bed, threw on my robe lying on the floor and walked to the door. If it were anyone else, I could probably get away with staying in bed, but Gai doesn't lie when he makes threats, and I wasn't about to replace my door again.

The sun was so bright when I opened the door and peered out at my friend. eyes narrowed to avoid the sunlight. "Gai...why are you like this?" I put bluntly, stiff frown on my lips.

He frowned, shaking his head furiously. "Y/N, you are yet a single beautiful flower from the leaf village. You must not waste a single day of your youth, your prime time for action, adventure, and training," the man proclaimed, throwing his fist in the air dramatically. 

"Listen, I'm tired as all hell, but if you want me out of the house we can go get breakfast."

"Breakfast? It's past noon."

"Fine. Lunch, then." He nodded, begrudgingly. He was, as expected, disappointed that I didn't even know what time it was, and that I had skipped the most important meal of the day. I shut the door and changed into appropriate clothes, combed through my hair for a minute with my hair, and shoved some cash in my pocket for food.

We walked five blocks to sit down for ramen, and were greeted kindly by the owner and his daughter. 

"When is your next mission assigned?"

"Wednesday. Two days of peace."

"What about your team? Training?"

"On a c-rank. No kids, no responsibilities. What more could I ask for? I got 14 hours of sleep last night too."

His eyes widened, but what was he expecting? I wasn't exactly proactive when I didn't have to be, unlike his upbeat and always ready to fight lifestyle. Maybe he was right to always be prepared, since we can never know when someone will attack the village. We weren't prepared for when Orochimaru first attacked and our Hokage died, as well as hundreds of our shinobi. 

"Typical Y/N behavior. As long as you are safe from harm, I suppose it doesn't matter. Still, after this I'm running 100 laps around the village with Lee. You can join if you want."

"I'll pass this time. My calves are killing after my last mission." I sighed but felt a little calmer as my ramen was placed in front of me. I took one whiff of it and felt immensely better than before. I slouched in my seat a bit as I relaxed and practically inhaled some noodles. 

After I finished my ramen, I bid my farewell to Gai and headed back to my apartment. I guess today would be a good day to clean the mess that had been building up there for a few weeks. I went on missions so often, I just forgot to pick up in between them.

When I was walking up the stairs to my place, I noticed a particular silver haired shinobi leaning against my door, holding a small box in his hands.

“Kakashi!” I exclaimed, walking just a bit faster to get to him. He came to visit me sometimes, but it was quite rare. We usually met up in town or for a mission. “Back from your mission already?”

“Yep. Turned out to be a lot easier than we anticipated,” he replied, shifting on his feet, a movement noting nervousness. I stopped at my door, peering up at him brightly. It was always a pleasant surprise seeing him. After all, he was one of my favorite people.

I leaned on the opposite side of my door frame, my eyes shifting to the little box in his hand. “What’s that?”

“Oh, yeah. Uh, just something I found while on the mission. It’s really no big deal.”

“You were in the Land of Snow. Barely anyone goes there; of course your little trinket is a big deal!” I laughed. He also laughed, but it was painfully awkward and tense. He still seemed pretty on edge, which I just brushed off as the aftermath of a mission. “Who’s it for?”

“Yeah, about that…” he trailed off, eyes turning down to the box. “It’s actually for you.”

My whole face lit up in flames at the thought of Kakashi getting a special present for me. I watched with the internal excitement of a kid on Christmas morning, my hands shaking just a bit by my sides. My friend lifted the box, and inside was the most magnificent crystal on a metallic chain. It was white with shimmering bits of blue and silver swirling around inside. 

Carefully, I reached out and touched it with the pads of my fingertips. “Kakashi, I don’t know what to say...It’s so beautiful.” My eyes lifted to look at his single eye. It seemed I had caught him staring, and he blinked quickly to cover it up. My cheeks turned an even darker shade of pink. 

“The lady who sold it to me said that it holds a protective spirit inside. That’s probably just a cheap sales pitch, but I…” he mumbled, embarrassment creeping up his neck and ears, “Well, I thought you would like it.”

“Are you kidding? I love it. Kakashi, this is the nicest thing someone has ever bought for me. Must have cost you a fortune!” I protested as I further inspected the crystal. It was purely amazing. Truthfully, I didn’t think Kakashi had much taste either.

He shrugged. “Price doesn’t matter. What does matter is if you will wear it.”

“Of course.” Excitedly, I turned around and moved my hair out of the way of my neck. “Put it on for me, please.” I listened to him pick the chain and the clap of the box shutting and slipping into his pocket. His fingers slid against my neck, sending tiny shocks down my spine, and the cool crystal soon sat against my chest. His slim hands moved away from my skin, and I admittedly missed the feeling of his warmth on me.

As I turned, he hummed with approval. “Looks perfect on you, as I suspected.” 

“O-Oh. Well, thank you for getting it for me. Hopefully it actually works like the lady said.”

“Either way, you’ll always be safe.” He brushed off my comment coolly. “Trust me.”

I always did.

_________________________________

It was late into the night, but nerves kept me up once again. All this drama with Orochimaru, Sasuke, the Akatsuki. It was overwhelming. Tsunade was assigning me missions almost every day, my joints ached from running and fighting, and my chakra felt as if it was used up for the last time; I was so tired.

The streets were quiet except for a few restaurants still open to late night diners. My footsteps echoed on the ground as I walked along, dirt kicking up around my feet with every lazy step. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him, perched on the top of a water tower. His hair still flew up despite the wind persistently pushing it down. Kakashi Hatake, my friend and comrade. As always he looked almost majestic, especially in this moonlight. For some reason, I felt the urge to jump up there and be with him, a push towards the shinobi.

Silently, I bounced between buildings to get to where he was, talking up to where he sat. His nin-kin turned to me and nodded in greeting. 

“Sup, Y/N,” Pakkun said in his strangely deep voice for such a tiny dog. Sitting down beside the man, my eyes trailed over to where he was looking out all this time. Pain shot through my body at the sight of the memorial stone, glimmering in the darkness. 

I think every shinobi had their fair share of memories associated with the stone, whether it be family or friends. I sighed, my gaze shifting to the moon above us. 

Some things were just too painful to dwell on.

“Y/N.”

“Hey, Kakashi,” I began, rubbing over my knuckles with my thumb. “I was just on a walk, and it looked like you could use some company.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right.” Pakkun rolled his eyes, but said nothing. After all, he knew his master could use all the human compassion he could find. “Been a tough night.”

I leaned forward a bit, swinging my legs off the edge of the water tower. It made me dizzy being this high up and looking down, but I enjoyed the rush it sent through my blood. My head tilted toward him, and I sighed. “Agreed. Too much to think about, huh?”

“Yep.”

“What’s on your mind then?”

“Currently?” His laugh was bitter as he said that word, shaking his head. His frustration rolled off his body in waves. “My student is a rogue ninja and my other students are going to get killed trying to find him.”

I nodded solemnly. My own squad was actually quite boring. They had talent, but not the same attachments or motivation as Kakashi’s students. His children fought with their all every single battle, always striving to be better than they were the day before. Hell, Sasuke went with a criminal to achieve his goals. I felt sorry for the guy. His kids weren’t normal.

“Naruto won’t give up, huh. Can’t see that happening, I gotta admit.”

“I was the one who taught them the importance of teamwork and bonds between them, but god dammit if I’m not worried about them,” he cursed. “I know they have the capability to defend themselves. Naruto and Sasuke are coming to the point where they could even surpass me, yet I feel obligated to protect him.”

Humming in agreement, I replied, “As you should. What kind of leader would you be if you just left them to be reckless?”

“I just...The thought of losing anyone else is…” His words trailed off, eyes trained on the memorial stone again. 

Tears pricked my eyes. My parents died in the war. I had been injured early on so I wasn’t there to see them die. I only heard about their deaths when the battle ended and their mutilated bodies were found among thousands of others. I didn’t know pain like this man, but I could understand death just like anyone else. Even the happiest people, like Gai, have struggled with loss more times than he would like to count.

Tentatively, my arm went to rest over his shoulders. He didn’t move away from my touch, leaning into my side just slightly. I almost didn’t notice the weight. This man needed touch and affection now more than ever. He was battling a war inside himself as another brewed around him every day. 

“I know, Kakashi.”

He kept silent. Pakkun sat in his lap calmly, his eyes shutting as he sunk deeper into thought. 

“Sometimes, I worry I’ll forget the faces of my parents who died during that battle. I-I can’t remember what color eyes my mom had, and sometimes I forget my dad had freckles or that one of his ears was just a little longer than the other. I know one day I won’t remember at all, and all my pictures burned in the wreckage…” I confided in the masked ninja, and he let out a long breath. “That’s the worst part for me.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay. I always remind myself that while I forget their faces, I will never forget how they made me feel. How happy I was when my father applauded me at graduation, and how my mother made me the best meals I’ve ever had. In that way, they are always with me.”

His situation ran deeper, I knew that. He killed his friend Rin, and he was forced to watch as his other teammate died being crushed by a boulder. He harboured the boy’s eye every day, acting as a constant reminder that he could only take when he should have saved him. Survivor’s guilt is written on his heart.

As I squeezed his shoulder just a bit tighter to my body, I added, “You owe it to your friends and family to keep living life to the fullest. Just like my parents, your loved ones live through you now.”

He sat calmly for a second, pondering on what I said. I stared out at Konoha, a small smile on my face. The death would always haunt me, but there were always positives, always something to drag a person out of a dark time. With effort, his guilt would lessen. I doubt it would happen that way, Kakashi being too stubborn to forgive himself, but the least we could do is try.

“You’re a good friend, y’know.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Kakashi. Always.”

“Thank you, Y/N.”

______________________________________

The mission was turning out to be a big failure. Y/N had wasted away at her reserve of chakra, and Kakashi wasn’t fairing too much better. They would have been sent with more shinobi back up but Tsunade was running short on available ninja, not even a genin to help them. There was so much going on, and this fight was more chaotic than most.

A few hours before, Y/N and Kakashi noticed that enemy shinobi started following them, but from such a distance that it would be better to keep going for as long as they could to regain strength before engaging in combat. Only, they didn’t realize that there were enemies waiting for them as well. It seemed they walked right into a clever trap.

They weren’t prepared. Even the famous Kakashi was worn out from the strain of the mission earlier that day. Constantly, it seemed, they were being attacked. 

Regardless, they tried to put up the best fight they could. 

But it was futile.

After just 20 minutes of fighting, Y/N was at wits end. She had used up a big portion of her chakra an hour earlier to heal a villager. Her legs ached from running for hours, and her head spun with a migraine from head damage.  Before anyone could react, an already weakened kunoichi fell to the ground, half a dozen kunai sticking from her back from a sneak attack in the trees. Her shirt soaked up the blood oozing from her broken skin, and she barely had enough energy to cry out before her face hit the dirt hard. Just as Kakashi turned away from the enemy to see what had happened, one of the kunai, which was tagged, detonated.

Dust flew up in clouds around her as the flames went down. Her clothes were practically seared to the seams, and the awful smell of burnt flesh wafted into the forest around them. 

“Y/N!” Kakashi yelled at the sight of her body. “Shit, shit, shit.”

He pressed his hand to the ground and screamed for his summons to come and help him. Anyone that could protect Y/N while he finished this fight alone. His ninken appeared, and immediately they knew what to do. A few of them went to attack the person who was targeting Y/N, leaving the criminal merciless to their vicious nature, meanwhile the rest, including Pakkun ran over to her body, sizzling on the ground with smoke rising from the fabric of her shirt. 

With some  assistance now in place, Kakashi used the last bit of his chakra to take down the man in front of him, as well as the two to his right and left. Three shinobi down, as well as the one his ninken took down a few seconds ago. 

As he took a few breaths, trying to compose himself enough to think clearly, he caught sight of Y/N’s unmoving body, despite the efforts the dogs took to wake her up, to get her to simply twitch to show she was still alive. 

Nothing. 

His heart began to race with fear. This scene, it was all too familiar. His friends who had died before him, their broken and ruined bodies lying before him to only stare at. He felt helpless. Like years ago, she was near death and he desperately needed to keep her alive. The need inside of him was so strong he couldn’t think of anything else.

Kakashi fell to his knees next to her, quickly moving to yank the kunai from her back and toss them to the side. blood seeped into her blackened clothes and onto the grass below her. 

His hands hovered over her form anxiously, not knowing what to do next. He wasn’t a healer. She was the one with the medical ninjutsu up her sleeve. Pakkun noticed his frantic eyes, the way he held his breath as if time had stopped. 

“Not my Y/N. Not to her, please, Kami, please,” he begged.

“She’s breathing, Kakashi,” the dog assured, placing his paw onto his master’s arm. “The medcine, Kakashi, she needs the Hokage’s medicine.”

His brain took a moment to think, and soon after he rummaged through the remnants of Y/N’s side bag, searching for the salve Tsunade had given them as they left. “Fuck, why did this have to happen?” Harsh words cursed out under his breath as he cut through the fabric with a kunai to get a full look at the wounds on her back. Soot covered her skin, so he wiped them off the best he could.

One dark spot remained. Under her shoulder blade.

Maybe he should have moved faster, forgot about the black mark on her back, but he couldn’t help but rub away the rest of the dust and dirt to take a closer look. He’d never seen her soul mark. She’d never seen his. They were in places unseen by the casual eye. 

And after 20 years of not knowing, they matched. His soulmate. She was right in front of him this entire time. He always felt different toward the woman, in the kind of way they only talk about in romance novels. He never anticipated even meeting his soulmate, but knowing her for 20 years, loving her for this long...it felt surreal.

He pushed down his mask, touching the mark on his chin faintly. Pakkun eyed his master’s mark for a moment before turning to the girl’s. “Kakashi…”

“Shit, forget about that. Let’s just make sure she lives.”

He rubbed the salve onto her wounds, and her body started to shake. The wounds slowly closed, only leaving streaks of blood and dust on her skin. As he turned her body over, he noticed blood dripping from her forehead and wiped it away, pressing a piece of her shirt to the wound to keep pressure steady. 

“She won’t wake up for a while. It’s best to take her back to the village, Kakashi.”

He wordlessly nodded, lifting her into his arms and standing up, hugging her weak form to his chest. And so he started his walk back to the hidden leaf.

His whole body felt heavy, worry building up in his heart. They were meant to be together, souls intertwined by fate. He finally found the woman who would love him endlessly. He would be happy once again.

If only it was that easy…

____________________________________________

After being injured on the last mission, I was allowed to take a few weeks off to recover. Apparently, my wounds could have been fatal if not for the salve Tsunade gave us as it contained an antidote to their poisonous weapons. Kakashi did a good job, the nurses told me when I woke up in the crowded hospital room. They told me he saved my life.

“He was so worried about you, Y/N. He ran all the way here from the Land of Fire just to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah, he was just about ready to cry when he handed you off to us,” the nurse told me, a small smile on her face. “He really cares about you, Miss Y/N.”

The nurses told me a lot of things while I was being healed. They loved to talk, and Kakashi was a man of much interest apparently. Even though I was in pain, they made it somewhat bearable to sit in the hospital for three days. 

Every week, I would go back for a follow up, just to make sure the poison hadn’t reemerged. My last appointment just happened to be with the Hokage herself, her expertise above all others. I worried something might be wrong, as my injuries seemed to be getting better, but needing the Hokage to perform an exam must mean something is wrong. Honestly, I was anxious. 

I settled onto the patient’s bench as the powerful woman walked into the room.

“Y/N. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. No pain anymore.”

“Alright, well, I’ll listen to your vitals, check your blood stream and chakra flow, and hopefully you’ll be out of here in no time,” she told me, doing as she said she would. I laid on the bench and let her medical chakra flow through me, searching for abnormalities. 

After that, I sat up for her to check on my back, which was just about finished healing and scaring. Every shinobi has scars, and thankfully these are hidden under my shirt at all times. Big red welts sat there for a week to the point where it hurt to even wear a shirt because the fabric rubbed against them.

She lifted my shirt, her cold finger running along the healing wounds. Suddenly, her fingers stopped, right under my shoulder. 

“Well, that’s quite...shocking.”

 “Something wrong?” I piped up, peeking at her from over my shoulder. Her eyes were trained onto my back, eyes widened.

“No, it’s not a problem,” she lowered my shirt, and patted her hands together. “Good news is that you’re completely fine, no complications.”

“Bad news?”

“More good news, I suppose,” the woman told me, her lips quirking into a half grin. “Your necklace is gorgeous. I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off it since you started wearing it, to be honest. Sakura told me Kakashi gave it to you.” She sighed, touching the crystal hanging close to my heart. 

With a smile, I nodded, eyeing the stone myself. “It’s one of my most prized possessions,” I gushed, heat returning to my cheeks as I thought about receiving the gift.

“Then I have some great news for you.” She let go of my necklace and stepped back a bit, crossing her arms under her breasts. “You and your beloved have the same soulmark. It seems Kakashi is your soulmate.”

My heart stopped beating in my chest for a second. Wide eyes met her neutral ones, and I opened my mouth to say something, but she beat me to it. “I’ve healed Kakashi time and time again, so I know his mark. It’s under his mask, so you would never get the chance to see it. Yet, it matches yours perfectly. Congratulations.”

“Lady Hokage, I-I...Thank you for telling me! This is all I’ve been wishing for for years. Meeting my soulmate, I’ve only ever thought about it in my dreams. I-I can’t believe it.”

“I’m happy for you, Y/N. You and Kakashi will have a mission in 2 days, I suggest you tell him sometime then, when you have time together,” she advised. I nodded gratefully.

She bid me a goodbye and shut the door as she left. My heart was still in overdrive as I processed what she had just told me.

I would just have to wait a few days and then I could tell him everything. It would be the best day of my life.

[birdymuses]

🌹 + Ghost Boy Hanako

Send me 🌹 + a character you think you might be interested in shipping with and I’ll go off about what I think that character is like in relationships

[ So in order to talk about Ghost Boy Hanako in more of a vacuum I'm gonna stray mostly into the territory of Alive Boy Amane and what kind of partner he might have been were he allowed to mature into an adult, but it’s worth mentioning that these traits are present in my portrayal of Forever 13 and Frustrated Hanako, they’re just expressed through a more constrained lens. Tsukasa will also come up because I consider the way they relate to one another as foundational in the way they both understand relationships in general. Cut for long af, sorry but I DID promise I would go ham if anybody sent one. ]

SO. Ghost bf lore. Having anything beyond a superficial relationship with Hanako is immediately fraught with obstacles because any iteration of him is extremely guarded to begin with. The version of events where he's dead and full of self loathing for it is probably the most hard mode you can get in terms of having a relationship with him. Dead Boy Hanako is particularly averse to relationships with the living because he views himself as antithetical to the living and largely A Problem for them. Also like, it's hard to let other people look out for him when he sees himself as irredeemable.

That said, any courting you're going to get from him at first is largely what we've seen in canon. A lot of teasing, a lot of plausible deniability. Hanako is not forthcoming with his feelings even when he’s acknowledged them and let them grow to enormous volumes in private.  If they come out at all, they will come out in ways that are easy to cover up.

Hanako tends to be very all or nothing in his relationships, particularly ones that involve a lot of emotional honesty. Either you never pass beyond acquaintanceship with him or you plunge directly to the bottom of his hearts deepest pit where the sea of his affections could easily drown you.  He doesn't always make it clear up front when you've plunged from one extreme to the other, but it will show in his behavior if you speak the language of subtlety and know where to look.  This all or nothing attachment style is not always ideal but it's eerily similar to how he and Tsukasa work as a unit-- so swallowed up in their own secret world that it's easy to feel like nobody else matters matters outside of it.  

Being that Hanako and Tsukasa share the same formative codependence, both of them tend to share similar struggles in their relationships with others in my view. I mean assuming we reset them to factory settings and neither is too horrifically deranged.  Since it’s so easy for them to be consumed by a singular relationship, the two of them need friends and partners who can broaden their social interests even if it means prying those narrow sights open by force. Without any outside influence, the two of them are like cats.  They're either in your face rubbing all over you or they're always out of touching distance with hardly any in between.  Hanako in particular is not terribly comfortable being pursued if he senses that it's becoming less play and more serious, so in most cases you're better off holding off with your courting and letting him stew until he feels ready to come to you.  Whether his attachment style is helpful or harmful to the broader relationship depends largely on the participants and circumstances of the relationship.

Hanako can be very cagey and jealous in relationships where he does not feel secure and he can become cold/moody/vindictive in the face of issues that he sees no clear solution to.  This is even more likely if his good faith attempts at solutions backfire. Due to the intensity of his attachments, he is the kind of person who could very easily stay in a relationship too long even when it's obviously not working. Hanako is somebody who falls hard and fast even if he does so rather privately. He either doesn't invest at all or invests so deeply that he has a hard time untangling from somebody else. He would rather fix things than let go. He is a problem solver at heart, and that relentless pursuit often makes him blind to whether or not his efforts are "worth it".  If you’re his ex, don’t worry, he’s not over you. Even if he’d never date you again, even if he hates you and never wants to see you again, he is not over the emotional impact of you. That’s just the kind of person he is.

Hanako also has the bad habit of putting lot of extra responsibility on himself, particularly for his partner and their experiences together. If he can’t fix your bad day, he sees it as a personal failing. Hanako is often so absorbed in the process of problem solving that he may mistakenly insert himself into his partner’s problems and become frustrated that he is not effective in that role. More than anything, Hanako is a fucking boomer so it's fairly important to his old fashioned sensibilities that he is effectively “““taking care””” of his partner.  It is important to him to feel like he is enough, and he finds it difficult to feel that way even in the best of circumstances.  He's the kind of guy who wants to pull your chair out and kiss your fingertips and pontificate about how he'll fight anybody who looks at you wrong, just say the word. It hasn't occurred to him how much of his understanding of courting has fallen out of fashion and that maybe he could benefit from adjusting his expectations.

In death Hanako runs the risk of feeling a bit insecure for his stature. Often his immense power is a good way to compensate for that, but as a person who bases a lot of his own worth on perceived status and what he can provide, he very much regrets never becoming fully mature and growing into his goofy hands and feet.  In any case, alive or dead, Hanako tends to express his care for other people via things like pet names and acts of service.  This can be over the top sometimes, enough that partners who are uncomfortable with that sort of thing may feel smothered or put on a pedestal by him even if that's not his intention. Partners who don't enjoy being made the center of attention will need to have a talk with him about the nuances of that feeling, because he's unlikely to put it together on his own.  For Hanako, total sincerity is rare, and so it is very easy for him to feel wounded when expressions of affection are rejected in some way or another. He can be kind of a fucking brat about things like that. He does well with partners who know how to gently put him in his place when needed.

Hanako feels love in a way that is thick and bottomless and likely to bubble over if he doesn’t find ways to put it into the world. In death he is combative and athletic, but had he been allowed to live, Amane would have remained largely domestic, bookish, and unobtrusive.  For the most part he just wants to quietly be together, enjoying each others company.  He’s happy to help with chores, he’s eager to hear about your day, he will literally accept any smidgeon of connection you’re willing to give him because he is almost always starving for more. Hanako is somebody who will keep a polite distance until the day it becomes apparent that he is allowed to touch, and once that happens, he will literally never not be touching.  Hanako is very keen to engage in physical forms of intimacy, including all manner of touching, kissing, cuddling, and grooming. As long as he’s in good spirits, these are the most preferred forms of expression. Physicality is important enough in Hanako’s relationships that he would have difficulty adapting to partners who prefer a lot of space most of the time.  It's worth mentioning that Hanako expresses this physicality even in canon, clinging to Nene, petting her, kissing her, and combing her hair, and even occasionally being buddy buddy with Kou, but nearly all of this physical behavior is blanketed with a thin veneer of "what no I'm joking, it's a joke, this is a goof, this is not meaningful, don't say anything about it or I'll embarrass you."  Ideally he can develop long term relationships where he does not feel the need to minimize or brush off his desire for physical intimacy.

For all his moodiness and inner darkness, Hanako is a profoundly affectionate person when he feels like he can be.  He most likely doesn’t have the words for this himself,  but what Hanako most needs in a partner is a person who keeps him guessing.  He needs to be surprised and delighted by that person at every turn. He needs to be amazed that he can feel safe with that person, and that's when walls can start coming down.   

A successful relationship with him involves a certain amount of mischief, to be thick as thieves and share in a type of mutual joy that feels reckless and stolen to somebody like him.  A healthy relationship with Hanako requires a level of trust that he rarely permits himself to feel, but sharing in that trust is what allows him to love recklessly and feel safe in sincerity. Even if it’s hard to achieve, that level of connection is something Hanako desperately desires for himself. 

The most sincere summary of Hanako that I can plagiarize from writers much more talented than I am, is that he is “sharp where it hurts and soft where it matters”, genuinely a marshmallow of a man at his core. He needs to protect his soft insides with a charred and unapproachable outside.  Despite his harsh attitude, Hanako has a very gentle disposition underneath his rough edges, and that is something an accommodating partner can really bring out in him and reap the benefits of if they are so inclined.  I think that inner softness is a part of his personality he’s very protective of and secretive about, so he spends most of his time hiding that part of himself under teasing and rude remarks while desperately wishing he could express it in earnest. In an ideal scenario, the friendships and romances he cultivates will allow him to come out of his shell and be an all around kinder person on the surface

OH YEAH he’s also extremely playful, loves to tease, and he secretly hopes his date will wear his shirts + let him touch their hair so jot that down.

[anzuivt]

Oh my god.

Look, I’m sorry for the wall of text, but... I just hope you all know how grateful I am. October 6th was my first stream as an affiliate and my mind was absolutely BLOWN away. I don’t know what to say. I’m honestly, speechless. Long post in coming...

I’ve already been feeling great - I just hit 500 followers on twitter, and had just gotten affiliate a few days ago, I’ve been on top of the world. I never thought I’d get something like affiliate at all, if you’ve known me, my attitude with streaming has just been, “whatever happens, happens!” and boy, has stuff been happening. I feel like none of this is real. “Tonight wasn’t real, it was all fake.” I thought, but I was wrong. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like a lot for some, but to me it means so so much.

See, I love to make things for people. It’s why I do art raffles, and it’s why I’ve been doing assets lately. I know that not everybody is as fortunate as I am and can afford art, so I try to give back in what few ways I can, to the community, and the community has given me so many things. I’ve made friends, I’ve gotten better at art, I’ve found... just a place where I feel like I’m truly flourishing. Life is stressful, there’s A LOT going on, but honestly... just knowing that I have at least 5 people minimum joining me in my streams to sit there and talk with me is just... meaningful. Like, you take the time out of YOUR day, your busy schedule, to come sit with me, and give me the most precious resource you have -- your time. That’s already giving me so much, but then to receive donations and subs from people is just extremely flattering and, appreciated.

The gratitude you are giving me is letting me know this is all worth it. That, even though I may not be the BEST artist, the BEST vTuber, the BEST person... you all still appreciate me. It lets me know that I do not have to be the best, although I will always be striving to become better so I can deliver better content, like art and all, to you. 

I couldn’t even cry. My face was stunned, I was having my mouth wide open like a trout, if my avatar didn’t show it well enough;;;. I just... wasn’t expecting this, at all.

And I NEED you all to understand, that I am super fucking grateful, and I don’t deserve a single one of you watching me, supporting me, just saying nice things to me. I may be incredibly small in comparison, but I honeslty feel like a true fucking queen tonight. You’ve all made me feel so happy, so wonderful, and motivated. I want to keep working hard to make my artwork and whatever else I choose to do, better for you. I will do better and make things look nicer. I will practice more and do more art raffles so that everyone has a fair shot at getting something nice. Sure, what I do may not be much, but still, I hope it at least puts the same smile on someone’s face that’s put upon mine.

This was my FIRST stream as a Twitch Affiliate, and I’ll never forget it. I got subscriptions and a donation, and people were kind enough to be gifting OTHERS subscriptions. Money is an afterthought but, it’s still insane. The way I see it is, what you give me, even if it’s just PENNIES , or MINUTES of your time, it’s you, investing in me. I will not stop, I will keep growing, to not let you feel like you’ve wasted your time and resources on me. 

Thank you. And now, for some personal thank-yous.

____________________________________________

Thank you Keida, for being my mentor with all things Twitch and OBS, you know a lot and I want to grow side by side with you. I appreciate your “real” personality. 3

Thank you Martinni, for being there since I was small, and being a good, and funny friend to me. ♥ Thank you Ichiban for being a generally sweet person, you’re a great conversationalist and I hope to see you stream even more nowadays. ♥ Thank you Adonis, for lending an ear when I need you, and making sure I am never alone in a stream. Thank you for interacting with nearly every post I make, and supporting me through everything so far. ♥

Thank you Glitchy, for your incredible generosity and interacting with me a lot through twitter. You were literally the MVP of the stream, I don’t even know how I can properly thank you for everything you’ve done.  I know you’ve made not only me, but so many other people immensely happy. ♥

Thank you Animation for making me laugh and always talking to me in my streams, you help to keep it from becoming lonely. ♥

And for even more personal thank-yous,

____________________________________________

Thank you Misa, for always helping me and taking care of me. Back in SL together, there was a period of time... I think a year, where I’d log on and you would be one of the ONLY people messaging me. You always waited for me, and never judged me for how long I was gone. I am so glad that I met you and you are in my life. Please never leave it. ♥ You have a heart of gold and must be protected.

Mizu, we’ve been friends for a very long time and well, you know me! I’m happy to call myself a part of your friend group. You and I have both had our share of issues (with other people) and yet never with others. I love how creative you are and when we share our ideas with each-other, it feels like some new crazy idea is always born. You’re incredibly motivating and imaginative and I love that about you.

And of course, my love, my man. Thank you Brian for putting up with my dumb ass. I know I have my moments, where I can be crazy and irrational, but you’re always there to bring me back down to reality. You’ve done so much for me, and sometimes I wonder whether or not I am worthy of being loved by you and being yours. You’re special, I would do anything for you, and I just hope you know that. You’re beautiful inside and out. I know I can be a pain. You’ve always been incredibly patient with me, and gentle. I never thought I’d meet somebody that I would actually “click” with, I always just thought I had to settle, but you actually understand me. I’ll love you, forever.

I know there are many more I did not say a personalized thank-you to, if I missed you I am very sorry, my brainfog is immense with joy and love right now. 

Thank you for listening to me. 

[everybodyscupoftea]

sober up

jj maybank x reader

word count: 2151

warnings: mentions of substance use (vyvanse, alcohol, weed); mention of anxiety; nothing too angsty though i promise

synopsis: based on the song sober up by ajr

When Sarah and John B. disappeared, it rocked the Outer Banks, and no one could think or talk about anything else. Reporters from the mainland flooded both the Cut and Figure Eight looking to talk to the people closest to the ‘Missing Star-Crossed Lovers’ as they’d been dubbed. Neither the Pogues nor the Kooks were safe.

Everyone coped as best they could. You couldn’t speak for the Pogues, you hadn’t run with them for years, but the coping could best be described as destructive spiraling. Rafe, who was arguably off the rails already, went further; Topper retreated into a shell you weren’t sure if he could ever leave; Wheezie, once outgoing and loud, became the quietest person in every room; and you, you just had to watch, stuck in a rut of your own.

Basically, the disappearance stopped the world as everyone knew it, and you weren’t sure it could ever right itself.

Hello hello; I’m not where I’m supposed to be; I hope that you’re missing me; ‘cause it makes me feel young

Sometimes it got too much. Being on Figure Eight, at school, where memories of your friendship with Sarah were especially strong. You usually liked the feeling Vyvanse gave you. The intense focus you could pour into other things to forget about The Disappearance, at least for a few hours. But sometimes, it backfired, and you were hyper focused on it.

In those moments you found yourself wandering back to the Cut, back to your elementary school, to sit on the swings. You liked the back and forth feeling and staring up at the sky. It made you dizzy, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Usually you were alone there. Not this time. This time JJ Maybank beat you there.

“Long time no see,” he said to you, the smile he gave not anywhere close to real.

You didn’t really know what to say. The friendship ended years ago when your mom married up and you both moved off the Cut. It wasn’t explosive, it wasn’t a brawl, it just fizzled. JJ Maybank, your childhood crush, and John B, your biggest defender. You looked for them sometimes, but they were never looking back.

“I like to think out here.”

JJ laughed, “That makes two of us.”

You wanted to ask how he was, but you knew. It really wasn’t worth asking. No need to cheaply fill the silence. Normally you were filled with crushing sadness on the swings. Mourning relationships lost and waiting for the drugs to finally wear off. This time you felt refreshed. Sitting in silence with this now stranger, you felt young again. You forgot how JJ made you feel.

Hello hello; last time that I saw your face, was recess in second grade; and it made me feel young

To your surprise, JJ broke the silence first.

“How’s your mom?”

They had always been close, a surrogate mother to him when his Dad threw him out.

“She’s good.”

“Still up to all that hippie shit?” he asked with a quiet laugh.

“Of course, the day my mother stops harping on the environment is the day we bury her.”

You fell into silence again, unsure if you should ask about his dad. It was nice to be here with him, and you didn’t want to push him away.

Before you could make a decision on asking, JJ pushed off with his feet and started swinging higher, effectively ending the conversation. For lack of anything better to do, you followed suit.

It was bittersweet, one of the last things you did with him before moving was swing at recess. You knew about the engagement and what it meant, but your friends didn’t, and you didn’t know how to tell them.

You remember JJ was always braver than you, swinging higher, jumping from the swing more recklessly, and telling the truth as soon as he found it out. You were always more scared.

Maybe this was the chance to finally be brave.

“JJ, about second grade and the engagement- “ but he cut you off before you could finish.

“It’s in the past. I was mad, but I understand now.”

“Right.”

Goodbye, goodbye; I said to my bestest buds; we said that we’d keep in touch; and we did our best

You had every intention of staying friends with the boys when you transferred schools, but your new dad had other ideas. He never had kids of his own, you were his new project. Your free time became his time where he taught you the ins and outs of the upper class.

He had plenty of connections, plenty of new friends for you to play with. Your mom felt bad, she didn’t realize moving you would also separate you from your closest friends the way it did. She hated seeing you sad, but what could she do?

JJ and John B visited you a lot in the early days. Then, one day, your new dad started answering the door instead of you, and he always said no. They finally caught you one afternoon, but you already had plans with the Cameron’s, and you couldn’t play with the boys. That was the final straw.

There was no fight, just a general, melancholy consensus that this would be the new normal. Rafe and Sarah instead of JJ and John B.

All my new friends, we smile at party time; but soon we forget to smile at anything else

Growing up with the Kooks was hard. Sure, you didn’t want for much, money wasn’t an issue and you had all the educational resources you could possibly need, but the pressure to even keep up, not even to stand out, was immense.

Your stepdad had high hopes, your mom wanted you to fit in and be happy. There was no best of both worlds unfortunately. No one quite understood like the Cameron siblings, your closest friends. Rafe understood the pressure to succeed from your dad, and Sarah understood the pressure to fit in from your mom.

The hangouts you used to have were fun. Full of laughter and actual joy during childhood. Games and picnics, afternoons at the country club pool and tea parties. Finally, you’d found your people after a lonely few years without JJ and John B. You depended on each other as you grew up and moved into high school.

Sarah kept you sane, she invited you to parties, hung out when you were especially struggling, and kept your mom out of your personal life. You owed a lot to her. Rafe kept you medicated. He sold you cheap Vyvanse to help you focus on schoolwork to appease your dad.

It was a delicate balance, the medication and the partying, but you made it work. The Vyvanse made you anxious but the alcohol helped you relax. Soon enough, you were more anxious than relaxed, and you could feel the smiles coming fewer and far between. Childhood was over.

And then Sarah disappeared, taking with her the last of your smiles.

Won’t you help me sober up; growing up, it made me numb; and I want to feel something again

You couldn’t stop it, sitting on the swings with JJ, the sob that broke out of your chest. It was like poking a hole in a balloon. From nothing to everything leaving at once.

“Fuck,” JJ muttered, using his feet to stop his swing as you sobbed, still gently rocking.

“I don’t want to live like this anymore,” you told the ground, refusing to look at him, even as he squatted in front of you.

“Like what?” he asked gently, hand tracing slow circles on your knee.

You shuddered a few times, fighting the anxious wave in your chest fueled by the medicine, “Numb,” you finally responded.

The pitying look on his face broke the numbness. You felt bitter, you didn’t need his pity. It was as if he could sense a wave of anger rising in you, and he backed up. JJ said with a small sigh, “I sure as hell don’t know what you’ve been through, but I have an idea of what you’re going through, so maybe, we can get through this together.”

His words put out the flames and you slouched forward, biting your lip, “You think?”

JJ didn’t answer for a few minutes, and when he did, it wasn’t to your question, “I’m hungry, want to grab some dinner at The Wreck?”

And suddenly, food sounded like the best idea in the world. You stood up and held your hand out for him to take, “My treat.”

Won’t you help me sober up; all the big kids, they got drunk; and I want to feel something again; won’t you help me feel something again

Kiara wasn’t at The Wreck when you and JJ ate. He said there was a party at the Boneyard, she and Pope were there, and invited you. While you weren’t particularly in a partying mood, you didn’t really want to be alone, so you went. It was…weird.

Sarah was your party crutch, the someone around who would always talk to you. The idea of going out and not having that made you feel a little alienated and wary. To your surprise, JJ stayed with you.

Neither of you made any moves to drink. JJ had his dab pen, and you had your juul, but otherwise you sat on a log together in silence. It wasn’t awkward, but it was a little heavy. You watched people dance around the bonfire, totally wasted and carefree, while taking occasional hits from your juul. It didn’t draw you in the same way it used to.

You couldn’t speak for JJ, he may have been itching to join the party, but he didn’t. Together you sat as the sun set and the wind picked up. He eventually handed over his sweatshirt when you started shivering and scooted closer for body heat.

The two of you sat and watched for at least three hours, not really moving or talking. You felt hyper aware of how close his thigh was to pressing against yours and how close your pinkies were from linking. It was something new to focus on. Something that broke through the water you felt had been clogging your brain for the past month.

You and JJ spent weeks together, slowly healing. There would always be a scar, empty air after quoting the first half of an inside joke or a missing t-shirt you’ll never find because you’d lent it out, but you were getting better. Part of that process was finding something new to hyper focus on. One night, both high, JJ revealed that he liked to think in color, and why not try.

My favorite color is you; you’re vibrating out my frequency

JJ was blue, his eyes, the waves he loved to surf, and all of the pens he used were blue ink. He remembered you loved to surf together as kids, so he brought you out there one afternoon. It felt good to have common interests with someone again, constructive rather than destructive common interests at least. You’d been trying to replace ‘numb’ with ‘good’ and it was hard, but it was working

My favorite color is you; you keep me young and that’s how I wanna be

JJ was also red. The same hat he’d kept his entire life, all through childhood and into his teenage years. His dad gave it to him before the abuse started. JJ clutched onto it in his darkest moments. It reminded you of your childhood, he always wore the same damn hat. You liked being able to be there for him when he held the hat instead of wearing it.

My favorite color is you; you’re vibrating out my frequency

For JJ, you were green. Your school sweatshirt that you wore so much and your favorite headband. He liked the steadiness of knowing that you’d come back to him every day, pretty much unchanged. With the violent upheaval of their lives after the disappearance, the steadiness of green was good. Green wasn’t his favorite color, but it was growing on him.

My favorite color is you; you keep me young and that’s how I wanna be

You were also yellow, your smile like sunshine. He felt like he hadn’t seen it in so long. It’d been years since he’d really looked. He’d seen you around, of course, but he hadn’t taken notice. He hadn’t seen you shrink into yourself with hollowed out eyes. JJ cursed himself for missing it. But the smiles, they were coming back, back like they used to be when you were kids.

And I want to feel something again, I just want to feel something again.

Nothing beat the feeling of JJ kissing you. Maybe, despite the circumstances, despite the path it took you to get here. You could finally sober up.

[missingartist]

The Witcher’s Mate- Chapter 14

Adva liked Triss. While being a skilled mage, there was a nurturing and caring nature to her. They spent many days together, practising the craft of spells and potions. In the three weeks, she never felt so free. Magic surged through her and with every day it grew. It wasn’t just the magic it was not having to wake up at the break of dawn to prepare the morning meal for the tavern, or stay up all night brewing a speedy recovery potion for the working girls who had had one too many customers the night before. Adva and Geralt had to feel into a pattern of sorts; each morning they would meet by the tree and spend the early hour of the morning together. Often or not, Geralt would sit in silence and watch her read or explain to her the various qualities of monsters or beasts. It was comfortable it was Adva favourite part of the day, spending a few hours with the moody Witcher. With each passing day, Adva was privy to a small glimpse at the man beneath all the armour, moods and mutations. A man who was sweet and caring he brought her a small packet of candy peanuts, he would never give them to her just leave them on her desk or would carry the mass of books Triss has dumped on her even little things like holding open the door. It was nice, but it did also reveal a sad side to his nature, a touch starved and painfully lonely man. His touches would linger, burn into her. I made her wonder when the last time someone hugged him, really hugged him. Being an orphan alone in the world, she knew what it was like to have no emotional intimacy; how it hurt.

For the last week, she rubbed the balm onto his chest, and stay with him till he fell asleep, sometimes she would doze next to him watching over him. Though he was sleeping better, sometimes ten hours straight, he still looked tired, his constant temperature was worrying. Geralt simple shrugged off her concerns with the news that he and Jaskier were going on a hunt. Both had disappeared for a week to a local forest infected by Ghouls. Every day that past Adva had become more adamant that they would not return. At the end of the fifth day, upon their return from their walk, Triss and Adva fell in the door laughing at some local merchant making a pass at the two women with the temptation of free cheese, to find the two men arguing in the living room.

‘Ahhh Geralt you have returned! We have just had a walk around the town…Smiggle, the Cheesemonger tried to talk Adva into a betrothal with a lump of cheddar.’ Triss’s laugh tinkled then bells in the parlour of the large house.

‘If it had been Brie, he would have got a different answer.’ Adva laughed taken a seat next to Jaskier, who laughed heartily and poured a drink.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Adva that Geralt gave Triss an outraged look, bordering between angry and irritation. There had been many secret looks and meetings in the workshop, behind the thick door. It uneased her. The way her ears burnt when they left made her paranoid. Geralt had been indecisively hot and cold. Some moments made her think they were almost friends than in a second; he would go cold and moody.

Geralt eyes rolled over Adva form, she wore the burgundy dress, with gold embroidery. It was tight across her chest and waist, showing delicious curves and flaring out at the hips to swish as she walked gently. Her hair had grown longer, and now wavy curls danced along her neck and the start of her back, every time she turned her head a waft of her smell invaded Geralt senses. He had spent the last five nights yearning for sleep; the smell had faded to a delicate reminder of her, calling him back to her. No matter how hard he scrubbed the smell clung to him, it has soaked into his very pores. When the last Ghoul had died, he saddled up Roach and headed straight back, not even bothering to clean the Ghoul blood from his body.

‘I thought you were meant to be studying Botany not how to flirt with cheese merchants. Triss your curriculum needs reworking’ Geralt bite out in a low cold tone

Triss glared as the Witcher, with deadly eyes. Five days gone, and the first thing he says to her was that—what a prick.

‘Adva why don’t you tend to the plant in the greenhouse, I have something to discuss with Geralt.’ Triss cooed and quickly ushered the woman out the room.

‘Geralt! The past five days, you have been like a lovesick puppy and that the first thing you say to her’ Jaskier scolded hands-on-hips.

‘I am not a lovesick puppy.’ The Witcher growled.

‘You are…Adva is so nice….you…you don't deserve her.’ Jaskier gave a high-pitched squeal, and he threw down his quill and followed the curly-haired women out to the Greenhouse.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A slow sarcastic clap filled the air as Geralt stared grimily at the fire and burnt limply in the fireplace. Triss’s angry eyes were burning into the side of his face, but he refused to acknowledge her. ‘Well done, Geralt! Push her away.’

Geralt played his flagon taking deep gulps from the vessel, attempting to ignore the annoying Mage.

‘Ignoring me? Very mature, you must have been missing Adva immensely. I know she missed you, she kept pinning after you….’ Triss prodded and rolled her eyes, and he continued with the silent treatment. ‘Still nothing…. Well, I suppose you don’t want to know about the exciting discoveries I have made since you departure.’ Triss teased.

Geralt interest was ignited and his attention laid solely on the Mage, who gave him her best Cheshire smile as she waved her hand the table filled with papers and journals.

‘I sent for all of Tradi’s work; Lord Brightwater seemed to vary keen to get rid of it. Grumpy man. He also added some of Cersi notes as well. Seem your friend left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye to the sour Lord. He wasn’t best pleased. I sent one of the Marquis men to investigate; it appears that she left in the night in a hurry; the portal she used is nothing like I have seen before. No sign of the language in Adva book, I did, however, find an old journal.’ Triss pulled a journal onto her workbench, and pulled several pieces of paper from the book and scattered them in front of the two.

‘Geralt, Adva has been hidden her whole life…very carefully I might add. Cersi, in her journal, details the girl's growth and powers. Cersi seems very impressed with the girl's waterpowers peaking beyond expectation. There are pages and pages detailing everything magical goal she reached as she grew, how her body is formed, whether her body would be able to transform, or if she has bled. Don’t you think it's strange that ever since she left Brightwater, she had been attracting unwanted male attention? I have had to send away the Marquis men; they kept trying salivating over her. My guess's it's in her pheromones; there is nothing magical coming off her. That smell you're so addicted too. You’re her mate, so it does something more to you on a …metaphysical level. But for the rest of us mortals it does something else entirely, have you not noticed how people are with her?  They become enamoured with her, but if you place her in a Whore house, Adva’s scent would be void. Sex gives off powerful odours, enough to hide her in plain sight. Why do you think Cersi did not take her in… and teach her, she placed her where she would be the safest, away from prying eyes of Mages and the like. If we want to find out what is happening, we need to find and talk to Cersi….. Till then I would recommend we take her to Kaer Morhen. She will be away from civilisation, and you can claim her. We need to tell her today…now.’

‘No’ Geralt gripped definitely.

‘Geralt! For the love of Goddess, why are you fighting this! What more proof do you need? Do you want me to wheel her out with the words Geralt’s Mate Painted across her chest before you admit it? An idiot could tell that you are struggling. You are barely sleeping or eating, and you're burning up! My potions are not working anymore. Have you read that book of Witches? You know if you don’t bond with her, you are going to drive yourself mad.’ Triss all but spat.

‘The book said we had a year…’

‘Yes, but with a human mate. WE may not know what she is, but we know she is not human, her bloody scent is enough to send the men around here acting like besotted idiots, for her mate, it must be seven times more potent. Why are you fighting this? Geralt your skin is clammy, I can feel your temperature from across the room. Your mood swings are becoming very wild, even for you. Geralt you are killing yourself…if that happens, who knows what will happen to her.’ Triss was pleading now, not something she usually resorted to, but she was scared for them both.

‘Fuck off Triss…’

‘Goddess help me Geralt... I will tell her myself.’

‘You won't!’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’ Triss hunched over him, prodding her brazened finger into his armour.

‘Because she deserves better!’ Geralt pulled Triss back as he roared, lifting a table in the process and launching in across the room.

‘Geralt…’

‘She is so pure and untouched. So sweet and innocent. I can’t….I won’t. She doesn’t and will not want me a life partner. I won’t subject her to this sort of life. I love her too much for that’ Geralt boomed

‘Geralt it not about you anymore. What about Adva, maybe she wants to be with you. To have someone, she had been alone for a long time.’ Triss voice broke into a soft whisper as she reached out to comfort the shaking man.

‘I can’t be that someone.’ Uttered heartbrokenly before turning and rushing away.

Triss’s heart broke for a moment, for both of them. Love was a complicated thing. For Geralt he felt too much, he loved so devotedly, and fiercely it broke him every time Yennefer stomped his heart into the ground. If anyone deserved someone, it was Geralt. A plan started to form in her head. It would take some effort to push the stubborn Witcher in the direction of the lovely creature, but it would be worth it, she cared too much to let Geralt send himself to early death, and she was already too devoted to Adva to let her be cast off by the handsome Witcher. Smiling smugly she set off, Jaskier would be easy to recruit. If Geralt weren’t going to act, then she would do it for him. Despite the complete mystery that enveloped the woman, there was one thing she did know, the soul bond was strong, and if they didn’t mate soon, god knows what will happen.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Geralt couldn’t help himself. By nature, he was a very sexual being, that itself is one of the reasons there was an attraction between him and Yennefer. That spark of need that burnt between them. They satisfied each other; with a Witcher’s stamina he could go for days, and a mage could at least try to match that. Because of that Geralt could never really say he felt fulfilled with a partner, the nearest being Yennefer and whether that was because of the Jinns magic he couldn’t say. The Witcher had never cursed his sexual desire, he was never short of partners, and his energy seems to be limitless in the area, he has never failed to rise of the occasion no matter how beaten or broken his body. By now he cursed the fate for the situation he found himself in. All 6ft 5 of him stood half-collapsed against a bedroom for that was not his own.

After storming out, he forced himself to tend to Roach and after that momentary distraction found himself in Adva’s room. After five long days, he needed to calm himself with her scent. His nose had picked up the scent and dragged him like a prisoner to the room the other side of the house, where he had no reason or excuse to be in. The Witcher’s heart pumped faster, the first time in almost a century until it was the only thing he could hear. The perfume of her was suffocating, disorientating and intoxicating, he needed to get away but couldn’t tear himself to leave. Geralt could see the strands of scent in a sparkling blue that curled through the air leading to a swirling mass in the centre of the bed.

Swallowing hard he approached the unmade bed, tentatively perching on the side, giving at the rumpled bedclothes. The outline where her body had rested was clear; the scent permeated from where she had slept the past three weeks. Inhaling deeply, he drove through the scents, subtle difference depending on her moods and what she had eaten. He deciphered the scents layer by layer till he found the addictive fragrances that had driven him here, it was dark then the other, a navy blue, almost black. Apple and the sea but musky with a sweetness. Trailing his fingers over the bed, he felt it and saw it. Her want. Her desire. Her wetness.

The scent had soaked into the very fabric of the bed throughout her stay, every night, adding to the aroma. Never had he been so thankful for his Witcher abilities, he saw it. The way her hair cascaded against the pillow as she tossed and turned, clenching her thighs together as she the wetness formed and the pressure became too much to bare. A delicious bead of sweat travelled down her neck, travelling over her left breast and then missing with the other scents on the bed. Clothing would be flung off in an attempt to cool herself down with little or no difference. With reluctance, her hands would travel to her slick thighs in an attempt to rid herself of the ache, her mouth turning into the pillow to muff her sobs of pleasure and growls of frustration as she never managed to bring herself over the edge that she had teased herself along for the best part of two weeks.

Inside of him, two feelings flourished the sense of sadness that she did not know how to pleasure her own body but also pride at being her first and only, the only man that would teach and feel her. A throaty moan push passed his lips. The rough bronzed hand was slowly palming his raging cock; he didn’t know when he had unlaced his breeches, but he could bring himself to think about it. Instead, he found himself settling himself on the bed, ripping his undershirt in the process, his hand never leaving his throbbing member.

Adva could come back at any minute, or Triss discover him, but all Geralt could focus on was the heat that rushed through him with every stroke. The Witcher was accustomed to pleasure himself when a willing bedmate was not to be found but never had it felt this good. Palming his balls, they had been heavier than he could ever remember them being, tight and painful, a grunt rumbled from him as he rolled them in his hands, teasing the skin with his fingertips. His other hand worked his length, a generous amount of pre-cum was already dripping across his tip, along his hand to slide effortless up and down his throbbing cock. Rolling his wrist, he pumped up and down slowly, enjoying the sensation, his eyes fluttered close, and a thousand images passed through his mind. Her laying frustrated on the bed whimper his name softly, her looking down at him as shyly she reached out to touch him, and all he could feel was her hand, while the other stocked his hair as she kissed him softly. It was a tender, pushing him slowly along to his peak.

A hiss escaped him, pushing through his teeth and the scent overpower him, forcing his eyes open. Gold obs burnt down as he watched he hand franticly pound his hard cock. A bead of pre-cum dribbled down. Geralt hips franticly snapped against his hand to meet every thrust, grunts and growl shook against the walls paired the violent sound of rhythmic flesh slapping filled the room, boarding on animistic, with ever sound Geralt chest practically vibrated as he edged closer and closer to release. Pushing himself against the headboard as he dug his heels into the bed as he arched his body, his hand desperately gripped his reddening cock as he feverishly pumped his cock. Grasping his hand out, the Witcher gripped the ornamental bedknob tightly, series of feral roars escaped the panting man. A thick jet of cum spurted out against the chest pooling in his stomach.

All strength sapped from his body, and the Witcher collapsed against the bed, soft pants puffed out from his chest, as slowly his eyes fluttered closed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jaskier twirled to flower in his hand as he tilted from foot to foot as he observed the woman in front of him, he likes her immensely, it was half the reason he agreed with this plan. Adva was refreshing after spending what was like an eternity in the company of Yennefer. Jaskier felt an inner hatred for the violet-eyed Mage; she treated Geralt as a plaything, he did not disagree that there was some endearment on her side, but the way in which she treated his friend was beyond miserable, Ciri and him caught in the middle. The sad thing is Geralt could not see it, he followed her like a minion, and the big bad wolf turned to a lovesick puppy. Adva didn’t seem to mind the Witcher’s countenance, and there was a genuine affection for him. Jaskier might not have the Witcher’s sense, but he saw the looks, the subtle glances and the longing glimpses. If it weren’t for that, he would have set his cap to her himself. Adva was a beautiful woman, gifted with a voluptuous figure, violently blue eyes and plush lips that gave her a disarming smile paired with a caring personality; she was a catch for any hot-blooded man. But the hot-blooded man she seemed to want to be Geralt, especially going from the way her shoulders sagged as she tended the plants.

Adva busied herself tendering the plant in the glasshouse, Jaskier had followed her out and tended to her with soft praises and cheerful stories as an attempt to lift her mood. For the most part, Adva kicked herself for being that upset, Geralt lately had often been in a bad mood, but what had just happen wounded her. There was no reason why, nothing had occurred between them, so there was no reason for her to be hurt by his words, but she had thought they had grown close in the recent months. The Witcher’s scolding upset her.

‘We could go to town. Paint the town red.’ Jaskier lightly suggested as he plucked another flower up from Adva cuttings, causing her to look up and break her away from her thought.

‘…’

‘Come let have a night on the town. My coin purse is empty and I need to refill it with some wealthy listeners. The local tavern is a perfect spot, but I need a muse. Come with me.’ Jaskier cooed as he tucked the wildflower behind her ear.

‘Jaskier…’ Adva started before Jaskier cut her off with a stern look.

‘No…my creative flow is upon me. We will raid Triss’s wardrobe for clothing worthy of you and set off for the tavern. I envision an elegant undo with those pearl pin Triss has, oh and that burgundy dress I saw tucked at the back of his wardrobe. You are going to be my masterpiece, my subject of serenade; all will come to see you and listen to my songs. Now let's get you washed and polished. We are going to eat, drink and sing’ Jaskier bustled as he pushed her out the glasshouse.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jaskier was very pleased with himself, the dress that Triss had ordered was perfect, no man or woman would be able to look away for her. It was tight-fitting column dress in a mix of silk and velvet, at the waist two separate vents shot off in fine mesh material, embroidered in a silver thread, her sleeve made from the same material. The front had a deep V that showed off the milky flesh of her breasts, enticing the eye and showed off a barely modest cleavage. It had taken two gins to get her into the dress and another to let him apply the makeup. Her face was made up by brief sweep of powder, and a dark dusky pink lipstick painted on, making them seem all the more pouting. Two-layer of mascara had been applied to her eyelashes and a light pat of eyeshadow and delicate touch of eyeliner. Adva protested at the reflection at the mirror, but Jaskier ignored her and began to pin her curls over one shoulder with pearl hairpins before pushing her out the door.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

‘Geralt’

The alarmed voice carried throughout the house stirring the Geralt from his post-orgasm doze by Triss’s urgent cry. Casting his eyes around, he found that he had slept most of the day away. The sky was now darkening alarmingly; he was still sprawled across the bed, dry cum still plastered across his chest, his hand still encircling around his half-hard cock. Rearranging himself quickly, he straightened his clothes and slipped from the room as quietly and quickly as possible.

‘Really?’ Triss deadpanned as she tapped her foot outside her trainee's door.

‘What.’

‘I take it I can’t hope the Adva is lying half spend behind that door? I haven’t heard any screaming.’ The Mage deadpanned cross at him.

‘Triss drop it.’

‘Well maybe if you had she wouldn’t be missing. I can’t find her anywhere. One of the servants saw her heading off into town with Jaskier. That was at midday….’

‘Fuck’

So guys, what do you think?

I have a little competition for you. I need a pet name for Geralt to call Adva. Best one or the most recommended wins. My top picks are Goddess and Love as a genuinely think Geralt is the kinda guy who would worship you- Well in my dreams he is!!!

If anyone want to me tagged please message me :P

@broco8​ @threepupsinapuddle​ @introvertedmouse​ @luxyash​ @shesthelastjedi​ @wonderlandfandomkingdom​ @crazynocturnalkiki​

[wtfzodiacsigns]

How to Tell the Signs Like You

Gemini: Witty and talkative. You may think they are always this way, but if they like you, you’ll see it in their eyes. They can be absolutely weird when talking to their crush. They let their guard down. They’ll try to treat you like just other friends if they don’t want to be too obvious about it, but still they’ll pay more attention to what you have to say. They can be touchy, similar to Leos, but more spontaneous. Be careful with Geminis, they look at love as an experience/adventure; they are most likely to lead someone on for the thrill of it. They’ll also be really supportive and encourage you to go after what you want. They want the best for you.

Cancer: Shy and so sweet. All of their friends are 100% aware that they like you. You can probably know more about how a cancer feels about you by observing how their friends act around you. They are not exactly coy, but more cautious; lots of soft eyes and smiles. They won’t hesitate to ask if you’re okay or how you’re doing, unless they doubt themselves. If you see them looking at you, they are trying to figure out what to say to you or a way to subtly interact with you. They fear rejection, so they are probably least likely to make the first move.

Aries: Lots of hugs. They will often challenge you, whether this is challenging your beliefs or trying to prove their worth by winning a game. They get jealous easily and may come off as harsh when they see you flirting with or giving attention to someone else. They will think about you more than they like to admit. They will want to be updated with what’s going on in your life, and will actually show interest in your routines/interactions with others. There is a good chance these guys will just tell you how they feel.

Taurus: They’ll ask for your opinions on things and will try to hold stimulating conversations with you. All of your quirks and bad habits will become cute to them. They will look at you like you are this special human being who must be protected at all costs. Sometimes they’ll make fun of you, but all good natured. You will consume their thoughts. They will compliment you on things they admire about you in an almost-manipulative way of letting you know who they want you to be. All earth signs are somewhat manipulative. Taurus’ are just so sweet when they like someone, please don’t hurt them, they constantly fear that once they open up, they’ll be misunderstood or rejected, so don’t be discouraged by a more reserved presence. This is why they want to know so much about you.

Virgo:  They will challenge you, but not in the same way that Aries does. Virgos tend to display their more negative qualities (sometimes on accident) to see if you are worth their time. They tend to be very insecure, so they need to know that you will stand by them at their worst. They will certainly pick out your flaws if they like you and may be harder on you because they want you to be the best you that you can be. They may tag along with your friend group to be around you. They often misinterpret feelings so they may share the “hot and cold” nature that Capricorns have because they are paranoid. They’ll open up to you just a bit more than they would with others. They want to make sure you stimulate them intellectually before they get too serious, this is important to them.

Leo: They’ll probably flat out tell you that they like you. Everyone within earshot will know it. They get really touchy feely and will play games with you; footsies under the table. They will say some things and you’ll be like what the fuck are you talking about, but forgive them, it’s their way of being nervous, even if they don’t know it. They’ll want to be around you. They will make more eye contact than they typically would with other people. If they really like you, they’ll adopt this special “voice” which they will only talk to you in. It’s often softer, sweeter, and really irresistible. They can be SO protective (it’s adorable)!! They also try to impress you and it may come off as arrogant, but it’s actually so cute because they just want you to see how great they are.

Scorpio: If they give you any special attention at all, this is a good sign. Scorpios are typically indifferent to people who do not interest/benefit them in the slightest. Scorpios are known for their impulsive wit and charm, but can be a bit more awkward (in a cute way) and less witty around their crush. EYES, EYES, EYES. Expect intense eye contact and lots of “subtle” staring from a smitten Scorpio. They are very protective, sometimes even possessive over their crush. Their eyes will light up with curiosity or lust at the mention of you.

Libra: This is a toughie because Libras are generally very charming and likable people.  A good way to determine whether they like you is by asking around- if a Libra likes you, they will never say no when asked by others if they like you (unless they have good reason). They will try to be around you frequently and will try to show you their best side. They will treat you differently than other people if they like you, so watch out for any soft voices or loving eyes that they save for only a special someone.  

Aquarius: They will want to hang around you. They tend to be more reserved emotionally, but will mess around with you to cope. Like Gemini, they will encourage you to go after what they think is best for you. If you are currently interested in someone else, a crushing Aquarius will not be too fond of said person and try to convince you that you “deserve better.” They will not let conversations die. Aquarians don’t have the greatest attention span so they definitely admire you in some way if they hold conversations with you, especially over text. Lots of laughter too!! Lots of staring, they probably won’t even look away when you make eye contact with them. Actually, they may just laugh out loud. They are often more courteous of you than they are with others.

Sagittarius: They try extra hard to make you laugh. They can be very childish and just want you to see the adventure in everything. They will try to impress you with their random acquired skills, which can range from being able to identify every bird in sight to the capability of balancing a pencil on their nose for several minutes. Sometimes they stutter or are shyer around the person they like, which is a telltale because Sags are nearly always outgoing or at least projective of what’s going on with them. They will compliment you a lot. They will try to be what they think you want <—-Capricorns do this too, but they merely deduce your personality and accentuate the features they think you’ll appreciate. While Sags think they are doing what Capricorns do so well, they really need to find someone who will accept them for who they are.

Pisces: Think coy and giggly. They are the ultimate dreamers and will utterly want to share these dreams and desires with you. They can be pretty awkward, but it’s cute. They’ll try to look their best around you. They get a bit shy, but are almost always in a flirty mood; lots of poking and material stealing and cute doodles. They are the epitome of a “middle school crush” if you get what I mean. The boys tend to be this way more than the girls because sometimes the girls consider it childish. Sometimes. They are most likely to stalk you on social media. Pisces flirt immensely through technology, and are great at sending cute texts or messages. This is often because they stutter or withdraw in real life. If they are single and ready to mingle, you’ll know, with frequent sighs and several exclamations of “no one likes me” followed by insecure laughter. Basically, they’re cute.

Capricorn: They will be very hot and cold. One day, they can be outrageous and flirty and coy, but you can bet your life that they will go home and overthink it and the next day they will give their utmost effort to avoid you or seem indifferent towards you. This is because Capricorns have a superiority complex, and sometimes a crush makes them feel weak; they are afraid of getting hurt so they will never act too smitten for too long. This is why most Capricorns will not admit to their feelings until they are secure in the fact that you feel the same way. A Capricorn will also try to help you and give you advice, not because they think you are wrong or in need of actual help, but because they care about your well-being and want you to live the best life you can. They will try to impress you with their unique talents or philosophies. They can be very coy and charming. Intense eye contact (they honestly believe they can seduce you with their eyes). They are chivalrous regardless of gender; they love holding doors for their crush (like literally all of them do this). Side note: they will never forget a single thing you say or do. Ever.

Source: meetthesigns

[butterflyinthewell]

One of the worst ways to screw up a person’s mind is to do what my dad did.

I am going to share with you the intrusive thoughts I have every day. This is ugly and scary.

Please understand that my life is not in any danger.

So how did dad mess me up?

He made me feel like my needs were annoying to him, and that I am selfish if I do anything to draw any attention to myself. If other people happen to notice me, that’s apparently okay, but it becomes selfish if I do anything to attract attention.

Other people can demand and ask things of me, but if I dare demand or ask things of them I am wrong and bad and never think of anybody but myself. Nobody else is selfish for asking things of me, but me asking of anybody else breaks a carnal universal rule that only applies to me.

My needs are only worth noting if nothing more important comes along. I come last after every other particle in the universe and more particles are always being created. I am at the back of a line that keeps growing ahead of me and I can never reach the front.

Who I am isnt important, and telling people who didn’t ask is selfish.

Making any kind of noise that makes my existence known is selfish.

So the immense guilt I feel when I post anything, when I share selfies, videos, promote fanfics, post headcanons or whatever— it makes me hover over the “send” or “post” or “reblog / retweet” button for ages before I finally do it. I experience a moment of intense self loathing and then I’m fine till next time.

I feel invisible most of the time.

I hate myself when I need things like my meds.

I try to make noise to show that I exist because there is a part of me that is certain nobody would notice or care if I suddenly ceased to exist.

I feel forgettable, like everything I do is worth nothing and will be cast away once I’m not around to keep reminding about it. My face is forgettable. My fanfics are forgettable. My antibullying movement is forgettable. My music videos and vlogs are forgettable. My posts are forgettable.

I have a very, very, very hard time reaching out for help when I’m unhappy, so I just say or do things that reflect I’m not happy and hope someone happens to notice. But I’m either not obvious enough or too good at acting fine, so people tend to not notice. Then, if someone does, I immediately run to say I’m fine and stuff because I’m selfish if I take up anyone’s time or space for my bullshit.

One way I make up for this is to spam a bunch of positivity. Making other people feel like they matter makes me believe I may just matter too. It’s an indirect way I make my existence known, even if it’s just a face in a crowd.

I feel like everyone is secretly annoyed that I exist and have to tell myself often that no they aren’t.

But I also feel like I’m doing something wrong if I wisecrack or act silly, which is my nature. I’m a goofball at heart and much of my life consists of my goofiness being slapped down with angry words or hateful looks. I get goofy on impulse because it’s so ingrained in me and I hate myself after I realize I’m “being annoying and worthless again”.

Sometimes I am an open book and then I remember that I shouldn’t be and slam myself shut.

I feel like everyone judges me as trash because my dad thinks I am. It’s like everything is funneled through what I think he would think.

And when people ask what’s wrong, I don’t know how to explain it. Talking doesn’t help me. Right now the only thing that will make my life better is my dad leaving the picture, and I have no idea when that will be. He will probably outlive mom and still be alive at 100 just to spite me.

So the statistics say some autistic people tend to die at age 55 or so from the stress of living. We have heart attacks, strokes or develop epilepsy.

I hope I’ll be one of them. I don’t have the strength to take myself out, and I wouldn’t want to put my mom through the aftermath of finding me, so I can only hope nature does it for me. Then it won’t be my fault or something I did to be an annoying inconvenience.

Everybody would be over me in 12 hours if I dropped right now.

Because I waste space.

I have those thoughts every single day of my life and have since I was 16. That is how my dad fucked me up mentally.

I want to delete this from drafts, but I’m going to post it. I delete at least half of the shit I type instead of posting and I will not let this be one of them.

Because emotional abuse fucks people up and that shit needs to see daylight. This shame I feel is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me, and I fucking want everybody to know that.

Abuse thrives in darkness. I’m turning on a light.

💡🔦🕯🪔

[razorblade180]

Twin Snowflakes pt17: Alone time

Eliza:I can’t believe your recklessness sometimes.

Valerie:I wasn’t going to actually fight her.

Eliza:You were seconds away from performing a suplex.

Valerie:Pfft, not like it would’ve worked.

Eliza:Not even disputing it huh? Need I remind you of your position in this school? Many students see you as a positive role model; especially the sports team. The upperclassmen included. You set an example for others so lead them well.

Valerie:I’m not as good or enjoy rubbing elbows with people as you. Semblance or not, it’s not like I’m the kind of person who starts a conversation.

Eliza:(Shooting your mouth off at someone is starting a conversation. Team speeches are-) Ugh, be that as it may, looking good by doing good is all I ask of you. It increases morale

Valerie:Oh yeah? Then why record the match yesterday?

Eliza turned her head and looked at Val. The athlete’s .eyes held a glimmer of agitation and anxiousness.

Eliza:Oh I see now, so that’s why you’re more aggressive than usual. Getting caught by Nicholas must be so irritating for the girl who’s supposed to be better than him; another check box on the list of ways he makes your life easier.

Valerie:Don’t talk like you know me.

Eliza:I know pride and jealousy when I see it. Or maybe, it’s something else entirely? If you’re letting my little comment from the other day bother you then I suggest you dismiss it. As for the video, originally I was going to use it to study the three of you for the tournament.

Valerie:WHAT!?

Eliza:It’s no different than a sports team watching the other team’s previous games. Then another thought occurred, this school would get a lot of traction if three sophomores took down such a complex piece of tech. It’s bound to spook some people who also plan on joining the tournament.

Valerie:You used us as a scare tactic? That’s...underhanded and yet, completely fair?

Eliza:Anything to ensure I remain in the top three. I will not spend time dealing with riff raff when my two biggest threats share the same bus as me. Consider that video an appreciation of all your skills, and a reminder of the eyes on you. Don’t slip up.

Valerie:I never do. It would be pretty interesting to see you beat Nick. I look forward to your challenge.

Eliza:You sound like Nick isn’t a threat.

Valerie:He isn’t. Granted his swordplay has gotten better and he has that new trick, but I haven’t been slacking off either. I’ve kicked his butt all my life and I’m sure I can do it again.

Her eyes told a different story. Eliza could tell that through all that confidence, the smallest glimmer of doubt had shown itself. She made sure to take note of it.

Eliza:Famous last words. The idea of Nick winning is a world that could exist; experience in loss is vaster than in victory.

Valerie:*grits teeth* Can we stop talking about Nick for onc-

“Val?” Called out the boy in question. The two girls turned around to see the boy walking over in their school’s simple white and gray P.E. uniform. He wasn’t sweaty like Valerie, but something seemed a little...off.

Eliza:Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Nick:Says the girl in pigtails. Might as well call them horns. Anyways hey Val, didn’t know you were at school today. Had me a little worried this morning.

Valerie:Yeah well...I slept a little late.

Nick:But...you’re in your P.E. clothes. Summer has the class as you so-

Valerie:I wasn’t terribly late. Just enough to miss homeroom.

Nick:Ah. Getting up was pretty rough for me this morning too. That Paladin took everything out of me! My body felt like lead. How are you holding up?

Valerie:I’m fine…

Nick:Really? That hit looked really-

Valerie:I said I’m fine, Nick! Stop worrying about me!

If the halls were crowded then that would’ve drawn a crowd. Instead her brash words echoed, making its own form of weird tension. Eliza took that as her queue to leave, while Nick stood there a bit spooked. Even Valerie was shocked at her tone.

Valerie:Sorry, I uh, yelling was an accident.

Nick:It’s, it’s okay. Hey you umm, are you mad at me by any chance? I only ask since Summer sorta did what you...just did; if I did something wrong-

Valerie:You didn’t. (Like usual) Can you give me a bit of space though? I’d like to have a bit more time to myself.

She hadn’t realized it, but Valerie just snitched on herself. Nick kept a neutral face, ‘overslept huh?’ The thought lingering a bit before giving a small smile. Suddenly he felt a little awkward, randomly swaying and folding his arms as if to shake off the feeling.

Nick:Alright, if that’s what you need. Still on to study tomorrow or…?

Valerie:I think I got it covered.

Nick:Cool, cool...see you around then I guess? Or not, I don’t know. I should head back now. Harriet must notice how long I’ve been taking by now, so, yeah… *stepping away*

Valerie:...Nick?

Nick:What’s up?

Valerie:Your face, it’s a bit pale. Get some rest okay? Seriously.

At least he knew she still cared. He gave her a thumbs up and started walking away again, but then whipped back around before she was out of sight.

Nick:Hey one more thing! I thought you should know Veronica is here so please, don’t beat each other up in the halls, rooms, or anywhere really. No touching at all would be nice.

Valerie:I already bumped into her.

Nick:Really? I don’t see bruises.

Valerie:Shut up, we didn’t fight. I could tell she was looking for one, or an excuse to let off steam.

Nick:What does that mean?

Valerie:She was looking much like herself. That annoyingly cocky attitude was a bit more...catty, for a lack of a better word. Atlas air must be disagreeing with her or something.

Nick:Yeah….or something…

xxxx

Veronica hadn’t moved. The young designer found herself still leaning up against the lockers, concentrating immensely. Her skull felt like it was under a jackhammer while her heartbeat sped up like a hummingbird. God she was so hungry, and the cafeteria scent…

‘In and out Veronica. Just keep your breathing in and out’ she told herself constantly. ‘You’re halfway through the day. You can do this…’

Bright side about this predicament was it seemed no one wanted to test her. She imagined that her entire attitude must seem pretty scary right about now. Good.

Her attempt to stay out of further trouble was unfortunately short lived when the scent of fresh sweat and body spray invaded her nostrils. That was a smell in any school, one that always ment the arrival of her least favorite kind of person.

Two sets of footsteps steadily got closer until they stopped right in front of her. Veronica looked up to see two boys in blue letterman jackets stand before her. One boy was tannish and had a well kept brown crew cut, his height towering over her but his build seemed similar to Nick. His eyes a shade of hazel that made the cocky grin on his face that was more punchable.

The other boy was taller, at least 6’3 and built like a wall. Veronica couldn’t fathom the amount of protein shrinks he might drink. He was pale compared to the first one and had orangey brown hair that was a crew cut that had less taken off on the sides and more grown out. His eyes were a dark green and though he didn’t look as cocky, his presence was enough for Veronica to know he thought that he was the big man on campus.

The first jacket said ‘Diabhalta’ while the second read.‘Winchester.’ That name was familiar from earlier. Nick had mentioned it when speaking to Eliza.

Whoever they were, Veronica wasn’t in the mood for this shit. It’s like she was a beacon for annoying jocks.

Veronica:May I help you, or are you just going to keep staring like a dead fish?

Diabhalta: Hey hey, take it easier there mittens. Just doing a little thinking, wondering if it would be a cat call if you gave me your number. That sort of thing.

Winchester:Laying it on a little thick there, Darren.

Darren:Oh I’m just trying to break the ice Maxie. A little humor to make that pretty face smile.

Veronica:If this is you breaking the ice then no wonder Atlas is so cold. Not interested, now scram.

Max:Sweetheart, curve the attitude. Obviously you’re new here but FYI, underclassmen show more respect.

Veronica:You’re not respecting my space.

Max:You’re not respecting our locker space.

Okay, this time she was in the jocks territory and not purposely seeked out. Maybe her luck was just bad? Veronica sidestepped out of the way and decided to leave. While Max opened his locker.

Veronica:My bad…

Max:Yeah it is.

Darren:Hey hey hey, hold on second here. “My bad” is a pretty half assed apology. Don’t you wanna try something a little more...hospitable? Maybe a cute little curtsy or something? No, well the view of you leaving is pretty nice so I shouldn’t complain.

Veronica: Fuck. Off.

Darren:Ooo kitten has claws.

He starts to follow behind her.

Max: ‘I swear he’s going to end up in prison’ Stop skirt chasing the literal puss and get your shit man.

Darren:I’m just trying to get to know the lady a little. Is that so bad?

Veronica:Darren was it? Listen to your friend and buzz off before you get actual claws, got it?

Darren:Ooo how scrappy. I don’t mind a little pain. That’s why I win medals for this place. Isn’t that right Maxie?

Max:If you need my help to get her attention then it’s probably a sign you’re trying too hard.

Veronica: ‘At least that one has a few brain cells”

Max:Besides, shouldn’t you aim for a girl that’s more… appealing?

That caught her attention. Turning around would’ve been reckless. There was no need to entertain these two, yet she couldn’t help herself.

Veronica: ‘Fuck this guy’ Was that a comment on my looks, or my features?

Max:Can’t say, all I know is what I see, and what I see is oh so not worth any time or effort. Why Darren is giving you the time of day,I’ll never understand.

Darren:Dude!

Veronica:Hmph, whatever. I should expect as much from you. At least you’re more charming than your father.

Max:Tsk, What did you-

Veronica:Goodbye. *walks away*

Darren:Hey! You can’t just disrespect him like that! Are you even listen- hey!

Veronica:Maybe if you learned to leave a girl alone then-

Her words got caught in her throat. Veronica thought they had gotten the message. That they wouldn’t bother her anymore and silently curse her names like others; the pain that ran through her tail said otherwise.

Veronica could start to feel her blood start to boil as she turned back around to see, to feel Darren gripping her tail with his disgusting hands. Max had closed his locker but didn’t look confrontational. No, he looked alarmed.

“Darren I think you overstepped.” He put his things down.

“I overstepped!? She’s the one running her mouth and mentioning your family like she knows anything.”

Veronica’s eyes matched that of a feline and her barely came out above a whisper. “You have three seconds to let go…”

Unfazed, he tightened his grip. “Or wha-”

Time was up. Darren couldn’t even finish the word before he felt the back of Veronica’s fist make a clean contact with the right side of his face, knocking spit and his body into the lockers.

“Darren!”

The boy was too dazed to respond or react to the feeling of the smaller girl tackling him to the ground as Veronica began to wail on him. Repeatedly throwing punch after punch in a fit of anger. Until Darren headbutted her off.

Now he was pissed. He got up and threw a punch that was quickly stopped by Max. “What the hell man!”

“That doesn’t end well for you!”

“It won’t for her either!”

Veronica ran back at him without thinking and was kicked right in the stomach, falling backwards for only a second before charging again.

Max tugged Darren behind him to act as a buffer and stiff armed Veronica. The guy really was a wall, but that meant nothing to Veronica. Her body slipped right through him and came out the other side to tackle the idiot who grabbed her tail.

This time they both hit the ground and started to exchange blows.

She was practically seeing red, blacking out from rage, adrenaline, pain, hunger; somewhere along the line she could taste a little iron in her mouth and pain across her face. Must’ve gotten hit, not like she cared, sound seemed distorted but she could still feel everything. Especially her knuckles that were getting tender, and the constant hands of Max trying to pull her off most likely.

She had tried to be patient. Tried to stay calm, tried to walk away, but she simply couldn’t. All she could do was keep swinging and kicking. Until….

“Get a grip Vee!”

The red stopped, her mind clearing enough to focus on control. Eventually coming to and seeing what had happened. Her arms had been secured in a tight bear hug. Darren was still in front of her with bruises that were already healing and a scowl on his that screamed “I’ll end you.”

To his right was Max who was also a bit hyped on adrenaline, his hair messed up and also thoroughly pissed. But something was off. Who was restraining-

A pit formed in Veronica's stomach as she looked to the ground to see gravity glyphs holding them all in place. She turned around to see messy familiar hair slicked back and shocked eyes. Nick had showed up, as well as a few other faculty from the sound of it.

The boy was out of breath and had a dark bruise around the bridge of his nose as he continued holding her.

“N...Nick?” Her voice trembled. “When did you-”

“We gotta move.” He said anxiously as he took her by the wrist and ran out towards the exit.

Darren wasn’t amused. “That son of-Nicholas! You think we’re done here!”

“Shut up man! We don’t need this kinda shit right now.” Max growled with an intense amount of bass. The glyphs vanished and he grabbed Darren as he ran off as well. Quickly pushing his friend out the door. “Go cool off and then come back. I’ll handle the adults”

“You can’t be seri-”

“Do you want to get beat up by three different people today!? Take a fucking walk”

Darren grit his teeth before spitting a mixture of spit and blood on the ground before listening to his friends instructions. Max let out an annoyed sigh before regaining his stoic expression and stood by the door as faculty and students started gathering.

xxxx

Veronica messes up, she messed up big time. It was one thing to make trouble for herself but it creating it for others wasn’t a thing she enjoyed. All she had to do was keep calm, walk away, and survive a day at school. Not be led through the back streets of Atlas by Nicholas of all people.

He hadn’t said a word to her but she hadn’t spoken either. The feeling of her blood rushing and the whirlpool of her instincts still washed over her like a sea of flames that did its best to simmer down. Nick must’ve been furious, he had a right to be. Veronica said she was fine when she wasn’t. Now this has happened. Veronica wanted nothing more than to scream at herself right now. How could she let this happen?

She continued to stare at the hand that held her wrist through an alley where Nick finally stopped and let go. Veronica wanted to say something but didn’t get the chance before Nick tossed a bag over his shoulder at her.

Veronica reacted just fast enough to catch it and was taken back by it. It was….jerky? Beef jerky at that. She looked to see him staring at her with concern. Veronica tried looking away but Nick tilted her back to stare into her animal like eyes. With her luck, he probably saw her fangs when she was screaming her head off earlier.

Nick: ‘So this is what I was supposed to look out for?’ You with me Vee?

Veronica:....

Nick:They sell those packs in the vending machines near the sports room. Taste isn’t that spectacular but I’m sure it’ll serve you better than me right now.

Veronica:....

Nick:Vee…?

Veronica:...Can you...turn around? I don’t want you to see me eat. Cover your ears too.

Nick:Uh, okay? *turns around* tap my shoulder when you're done I guess.

Veronica:Thanks…

Nick covered his ears and Veronica finally opened the extremely full bag. The aroma hit her like a truck and Veronica couldn’t help but let out a gulp the moment it did.

Nick clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, already feeling a little awkward after fifteen seconds. ‘Is she gonna eat all of that? The bag is a large size, people twice my size take a while to eat it.’ He was starting to regret making today's arm day in gym class. ‘Hopefully she just needs a few pieces of-’

The wind blew and the bag flew right by his head, completely empty and teared apart. The tap on his shoulder can immediately after. That...couldn’t have been the bag, no way. He turned around and couldn’t believe it, Veronica stood in front of him a little bit more composed than before. Her eyes were less intense, as well as her hair. Even Vee’s breathing was less erratic but she still wasn’t exactly calm either. The crumbs on her face didn’t help.

Nick caught himself staring a little too hard and tried to have a very even expression. Veronica was starting to look at him the way Summer looks at her scars. This was clearly a big deal to her. After all, this was all news to him.

Nick:Are you okay? Or you know...slightly better?

Veronica:Slightly better is a decent way of putting it, barely. My body hurts.

Nick:Well you probably have a few bruises, your lip and right hand is bleeding, and I might’ve tackled you a little hard once or twice whenever I arrived. I’ve seen explosive tempers but man.

Veronica:Did I...give you that bruise?

Nick:Consider it a team effort between the three of you. Serves me right for rushing in without thinking. Nothing a little aura can’t fix. Same goes for you I hope.

Veronica:I’ll be fine…

She walked towards him slowly and gently touched his nose. She did this to him. He might put blame on everybody but it was no doubt to spare her feelings. Veronica’s ears drooped down and she held back her tears. It was bad enough Nick saw her lose her cool, she wasn’t gonna let him see her tears.

Veronica:I’m sorry...really sorry. I’ve done nothing but lie, break promises, and caused you trouble. All on my first day too. Talk about pathetic. Now you’re hurt and going to be in trouble because of me.Frankly I...I don’t know why you aren’t yelling at right now. How can you tolerate me so much all the time? I wouldn’t be able to.

Nick:Well that’s easy, it’s not tolerating when you want to be around the person.

And just like that, Veronica was speechless.

Nick:Don’t get me wrong. Can’t say I’m okay with how today went or that I’m not disappointed that you couldn’t last the day; But you’ve always been a hothead. Today just explains why. Yang might’ve told me to keep an eye on you, out of love of course. So don’t be too upset with her okay? I wish I knew about this sooner. Pardon if I’m overstepping, but does this have anything to do with why you’re so reluctant to talk about Menagerie? Anytime I talk about visiting it’s always a no.

Veronica:It’s one of many reasons. Reasons I rather not get into, sorry.

Nick:That’s fair. It’s funny, we always talk about how we talk about everything but I guess something we can’t help but keep to ourselves. Did you think I’d hate you, or wouldn’t understand? Granted I’m definitely hazy on the specifics but I definitely don’t think any less of you. V-

Veronica:I like you…as in like, like you.

Blood rushed to both of their faces. Veronica didn’t make eye contact but she did take his hand and held it tight; it trembled ever so slightly.

Nick couldn’t tell if he was slightly under the weather like Valerie said or hearing the words aloud. Nick wasn’t dense like his father, but hearing a confession was still a crazy moment. Especially right now. A boy in his gym clothes and a roughed up school girl, standing in a snowy alleyway after running out of school. Maybe he should’ve slept in today.

Veronica:It’s not like it’s been some kind of secret. I was never good at subtlety. When you're around me...I try so hard for you to only see the best of me, though it rarely happens. So I kept quiet, from plenty of people. Unless you really know about faunus then how could you know what goes on under the surface? You’re the last person I wanted to tell. I thought you’d look at me differently.

Nick:Do I look that shallow?.

Veronica:I couldn’t take the chance. Not when you’re the one, the only who really sees me outside of my parents.

He wasn’t entirely sure Veronica meant by that. See her how? In what way was he different from someone like his sister or Valerie? Was it okay to ask that right now? He decided against it. Being pushed away earlier made him worried about it happening again.

So instead he told her a simple truth.

Nick:It’s not like you’re Shiva. I’ve stared in the eyes as she threatened my life and I still hug Summer without a care in the world. On a scale from one to ten, what happened at school was a two. If you ever need something then I’m here Vee. I care about you, a lot. Be who you are around me.

Veronica:....Anything Huh?

She leans forward slowly, her face crimson. Nick’s brain goes crazy. ‘Is she…!? Wait, no! I’ve never-’ Veronica’s head lands in the crook of his neck and her hands wrap around him weakly.

“Food…” she said half consciously. “Fattening food, meat. Please tell me Atlas has that?”

Nick:Okay! I know a spot that’s out of the way and serves anyone. So-

She shut her eyes and dozed off. Nick heard quiet purring from Vee and saw her injuries finally start to heal. A good sign, but Nick couldn’t travel like this! He’d have trouble even if he wasn’t sick; not to mention he totally forgot that he wasn’t in his regular clothes!

Nick:I did not think this through. No wallet or phone, a passed out girl, and parents that will murder us. Think Nick, who could I call right now that wouldn’t chew me out and still help? Oh! Duh…

xxxx

Penny:I called your parents.

Nick:Why!?

Penny:You’re minors...

Nick:At least they have time to calm down.

Penny:They’re sending Winter.

The boy nearly choked on his thermometer before Penny took it out. He currently sat on one of her medical beds while Veronica was sleeping in one next to him. A stack of meat lovers pizza by the bed was ready for her whenever she woke up.

Penny:Due to physical exhaustion from yesterday, insufficient rest, and slight dehydration, you’re running a slight fever Nicholas Schnee. Maybe even a cold if it gets worse. I’m ordering you to do nothing but rest and go to school. No training, or unneeded stress from extracurricular activities for two days.

Nick:But I have tournament-

Penny:Home and school! A council is not one person, they can get by without you. It would be a tragedy if you couldn’t even compete, then Summer would be disqualified from duos.

Nick:Sigh….yes ma’am. Sleep does sound nice.

Penny:48 hours will be up before you know it!

Nick:Maybe Val and Summer should’ve played hooky today too? Thanks for all this. I know you’re specifically in the medical field but…

Penny:I consider myself a jack of all PHDs.

Nick:How about an expert in faunus biology? Is Veronica-

Penny:She’s fine, but that’s all I can disclose without permission. I’m sure she’ll tell you more of her own free will when I leave the room. She is pretending to be asleep right now to avoid talking to me.

Nick:....WHAT!? *looks at her*

Veronica:.....

Penny:Oscar has tried convincing her to have at least one session with her as a request from her parents for some time now for reasons I’m not sure of. I doubt she wants to speak in my presence out of fear that I might tell Oscar something that he could use to understand her better. Question is, how long will she fake being unconscious until the smell of pizza is too much?

Veronica:*opens eyes* I’m begging you to leave.

Penny:Okay! I have work to complete anyways. Hopefully nothing burst into flames again. Don’t worry about your school belongings. Summer was told to get them.

Penny rubs Nick’s head and goes into a separate lab room. Veronica rises from the bed like a zombie and grabs a pizza box. Drool starts to form as she opens the box and grabs a slice. Meat lovers, it was beautiful. She almost inhaled the slice before looking up and turning red. Nick was staring at her calmly.

Veronica:Ummm….

Nick:Huh? Oh! *turns around* Sorry…

Veronica:It’s just really...I hate being seen when I eat like this. We can still talk though.

Nick:Hmm where to start?

Veronica:Those boys, how much trouble are they going to be for you?

Nick:Oh those knuckleheads won’t be a problem. I’m fortunate that you fought two people who. already hate me and plan on beating me senseless anyways.

Veronica:How is that a good thing exactly?

Nick:Because messing with you gives me an excuse to actively be cruel to them! The school will probably give all of us a slap on the wrist considering we’re in the tournament, duos in fact. They’re the runners up from last year. Both of them were pretty upset underclassmen took their gold.

Veronica:The big one, Max. He looks disturbingly a lot like his pops. Didn’t even know they lived here. Makes sense with the lack of equality around here still.

Nick:Don’t be too quick to judge. Max doesn’t hate faunus and my dad says Cardin is a pretty alright guy these days.

Veronica:Yet his son appears to be falling in similar pitfalls. Bastard said I wasn’t his type and gave me the strangest look.

Nick:Maybe he’s just not into blondes or something, I don’t know. As far as apples falling from trees go, my dad is pretty respectful and turns the other cheek quite a bit; that didn’t carry over haha.

Veronica:Yeah you’re petty and smug, like a gremlin or something. A cute one. You’re also very cheerful in a sarcastically optimistic way. Weird, you’re weird Nick.

Nick:It’s called charisma. Can I get a slice? This is a lot of pizza.

Veronica:Knock yourself out. You went a little overboard with ten boxes.

Nick:I don’t know how any of this works. Is there a certain ratio of meat or…

Veronica:Think of it as a kind of mental/physical diet. Meat sets of the animal instinct and keeps everything working okay. Too much and the instincts stay on. The eyes, hair, claws, teeth, and other more psychological things stick around. No meat eventually draws it out in a more aggressive nature and my body can’t operate well because of the messing the nutrients. Everything hurts.

Nick:So on one end you’re a peak apex predator, then the other is what, starved wildcat?

Veronica:I call it going feral but yeah that works. I don’t like either position. One is physically painful while the other….I just don’t like the “apex” me. It’s a lot to handle.

Nick:For you or other people?

Veronica:I’d like if we changed the subject please?

Nick:Sorry. Anything on your mind.

Veronica:...Your feelings for me.

He choked on a pepperoni, coughing and hacking it back up to catch his breath. Of course that’s on her mind! Nick had to keep his cool, this was important. He had answers but had no clue if they were good answers.

He turned around despite her earlier request. This had to be done face to face. Veronica must’ve known that because she wasn't eating anymore. Her hands rested on the box that most likely was empty by now and eyes focused on her normal looking nails.

Bright blush ran across her face again with her ears down. Her tail curled around her left arm. In a weird way he wished the world could see her right now. It was for this exact reason he always vouched for Vee. The overwhelmingly confident and rowdy island girl wasn’t all she was. Veronica could feel insecure or be meek.She never dismissed her faults but also had no shame pointing out others. Veronica saw everything she could in something and was honest about her feelings with it to the point all she ever did to avoid discussion was say she didn’t want to talk about it or be vague.

Nick:Uhh, what about the subject exactly?

Veronica:Can you get a little closer?

Nick stood up and sat on the edge of her bed. Veronica patted her hand and me closer. Then another pat made him get closer, then another, and another; until he was beside her. Vee’s hand grabbed his and she leaned, dangerously close. Nick started to feel his heart race again.

Veronica:Have you kissed a girl?

Nick:K..Kiss?! As in...no. H-Have you?

Veronica:Once, well a couple times by one person. It was pretty crappy honestly, for many reasons.

Nick:I’m sorry…

Veronica:It’s alright. I’m sure I’ll have better ones.

She could feel him shake a little. His heart sounded like firecrackers going off with how fast it was. Veronica leaned just a little closer and the boy shut his eyes. He made no advances, no tilt, or lean. Nick would’ve just let it happen. Veronica smiles before flicking his forehead to make him jump. She laughed and leaned back, but kept holding his hand.

Veronica:As much as I like you I won’t take anything you don’t want to give me. Your first kiss happens once. Do it on your terms. I hope Valerie accepts it.

Nick:I’m sorry.

Veronica:Don’t be. You’ve always looked her way. I can see why. I wish you thought I was as pretty and wonderful just like her. Maybe if I cracked more jokes or a bit nicer, then you would fall for-

Nick:You are so gorgeous Veronica Belladonna.

His words derailed her own. Nick smiled at the girl curiously with his blushing face that made her heart melt. This was unexpected. This face, those words, it was so...sincere.

Nick:You tell plenty of jokes, sure you need work on your attitude but Val is rowdier than you on occasion. There isn’t a thing about you that doesn’t make me…

Veronica:Nicholas…? Do you...feel something for me?

Nick:Of course I do you dunce.

Veronica:Then why-

Nick:Because Val has my heart. How could I date you knowing that? I’d feel really shitty being with someone that loves me so much and my heart is set on another girl. That’s not very chivalrous of someone who loves the idea of being a knight.

Veronica:So...I guess she really is the princess in your story?

Nick:Wrong. I’ve never thought of Val like that. She’s...my longest friend and companion. We’ve done so much together just to see if we could. Val to me is like another knight. Rival, friend, crush...she’s a lot. A princess isn’t one of them. If I’m being honest with myself, you’d be my princess.

Life was so unfair, he was unfair. Veronica’s mind was everywhere just like her blush. Was Nick letting her down easy or flirting!? How could he do both!? Veronica let go of his hand and put the covers over her head. Looking at his dumb face wasn’t helping the situation. She really was in love with this clown.

Veronica:You really are such a gremlin you know!? Now I like you more!

Nick:Oh...well..I don’t know what I was trying to do just now. I was explaining myself and sorta… I’m so fucking stupid. I’m gonna go wash up and give you some space now.

She gave him a thumbs up and heard his footsteps slowly grow distant until they stopped. Was he...looking back at her!? Was it with embarrassment or longingly!? It would be weird to peek out now! This cover was a bad idea. His footsteps started again and Veronica heard the doorknob open. Not yet, he couldn’t leave yet without her proper response.

Veronica:Nicholas?

Nick:Yeah?

Veronica:I hope, I hope things work out for you and Val. Regardless of my feelings I want you to be happy. That being said, don’t think I’m going to stop trying, because you...have my heart. And I need you to know that if for some reason Val doesn’t accept yours, or you get it back, I’ll accept it with open arms.

Nick:....

Veronica:....Too much?

Nick:No, it was just right. Thanks, Vee.

The door slowly creaked closed as he left. Just before it did however, the tiniest whisper slipped through. Was it on purpose, or did her hearing escape his thoughts. Either way Veronica pressed her pillow against her chest flustered.

“My princess” Damn those Schnees. They always know just what to say.

Part 16

[fifi-uchiha]

If there is one thing that I sincerely regret in my life... it's that I've been extremely overweight. 273 lbs in the age of 16. It was horrible and I felt like everyone was watching me. I didn't like eating outside because I didn't want people to think that all I do is eat. But not eating wasn't an option either because I didn't want anyone to make fun of me, saying I shouldn't act like I'm not eating 'like a pig'. Guys were picking on me which doesn't mean I didn't fire back. My short temper was kinda helpful sometimes.

A girl directly asked me if I was pregnant once, simply to break my heart. And she did. It really hurt me to hear that from some ugly ass bitch I didn't even know. People didn't see me as a woman and to be honest, neither did I.

I used to look into the mirror and still found one thing I liked about me here and there. My lashes, my eyes at first and after hating those attributes about me too, I still had my long brown hair that I liked. But those girls in my class didn't even want me to have that. They were always telling me how good I would look with short hair while they were trying to grow out their own and I'm really glad my sisters told me to NOT cut my hair. I was known for being the most overweighted girl in fucking school, but damn me for having the longest hair in class. That's the only thing I had but they didn't want me to have this at least.

When I went to high school, we played a dating game in class so we could get to know each other better. No one wanted to come near me, as ridiculous as it may sounds. They looked like the mere thought of being with me would be disgusting, as if I was a plague or a desease or something. It hurt me so much, not to mention that I was 15 or 16, two years younger than those idiots. It felt like a shitty teen movie, but that's how it was. Some bitch was actually trying to fight me but didn't know I had a short temper and I swear, I almost punched her. But almost everyone was on her side simply because I was the fat girl. I was so angry and I hated myself for eating and eating and eating and I knew that I would die far too early just because I couldn't stop eating.

I mean, just think about it.

Guys and girls who looked like shit to me had the audacity to call me ugly, fat, disgusting just because I was fat. And that hurt my pride and I became sick of it. Sick of me.

And sick of them.

Then I started dieting and my cousin showed me zumba fitness.

I lost 110 ponds (97 during that time) and after summer break, no one recognized me. Everyone was absolutely shocked. I was still curvy, but I knew how to dress to highlight my good and to cover my bad body parts. Gotta say I have a good sense for fashion.

People treated me like a woman and I felt like a whole different person.

12th grade was a highlight for me.

I had the same Spanish teacher and we were sitting while she explained the game we were supposed to play.

The fucking dating game.

I can't even begin to describe how my heart punched my chest. This dating game scarred my damn brain and in that moment, I didn't realize that I lost weight. I felt like the girl from back then, the fatest girl in school everyone knew about.

However, no one was avoiding me this time because I was a girl like everyone else was. The guy I was working with was nice and flirty and treated me... Like a girl. We were supposed to create our house in Spanish and he asked me how I would like to renovate our bedroom and what car I'd like to have. He was flirty, funny and in no way perverted, even pointed at me and said:

"You see, guys? That's my dream girl right here!"

That was the very first time someone would flirt with me in such a funny and cute way and I couldn't believe it.

This game...

I can't explain to you guys how happy I was after school.

Now, years later, I realized that I needed certain surgeries. My tummy, my legs, my whole body looked horrible to me because of the immense weightloss. 110 pounds is just too much for my body, not matter how much I worked out.

And guys, the pain was real. The tummy tuck was okay, I could handle it. But my thighs..

I was a mess. It really, really hurt and I'm actually pretty tough. And I probably need them to fix my back and arms too, but I'm still thinking about it.

That's why I regret letting myself become so fat. No way to sugarcoat it, I was fat. It doesn't just end after you lose weight. Those surgeries will seal the deal and eventhough I don't mind scars at all, they'll still remind me.

So please, if you feel like you're too heavy, do something. Stop this mess.

Don't be weaker than food, don't be weaker than fucking sugar and fat. Is it really worth it? Is eating chocolate and chips worth being treated like a piece of shit by people who are ugly as fuck? I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but wouldn't it give you such high satisfaction to lose weight and look much better than those fuckers who will die of jealousy?

I know, dieting and working out is hard.

But I learnt that being obese is much, so much harder and it could destroy your mind an body.

And trust me, guys.

It will.