#imma try to do better

[winxanity-ii]

also guys, don’t me afraid to shoot me a lil ask wondering/reminding me about other works i do… i know i tend to bounce around so it’ll help me get back on track instead of forgetting/starting a new project out of nowhere *cough* Father Charlie *cough*

[ashes-in-a-jar]

I haven't thought much about Jonathan Sims for long enough that I kinda feel like I've started thinking about him a little more divorced of the emotional attachment I might have had once. Because I just saw a post lamenting his slow descent into inhumanity and losing his identity, becoming the archivist rather than Jonathan Sims, losing his friends, his house, everything he loves.

But is that true? That put upon head archivist persona he had in the beginning, was that really him? The way I see it, real life has already leached him of any identity he might have had, he didn't really have friends, Tim and Sasha clearly weren't, as we saw in their season 5 recording. He chose to make them his subordinates over beib friends, pushed away Georgie, he became so desperate for approval that he agreed to take a job he clearly has no idea how to do, let his stress over it isolate him from everyone around him, had a desperate need to assert himself in the beginning of every recording as 'head archivist of the Magnus institute london'. Forget about even having a home, he often slept in his office for heaven's sake.

The way I see it, this story is about him finding himself, finding the perfect place for himself in this already doomed world that was already strangling him and everyone around him. He became the Archivist, no longer needing to connect himself to some godforsaken capitalistic institute to identify himself. found his role, he enjoyed its power, even admitted to it. He found love. He found purpose in trying to save the world. In the end he was surrounded with the friends he made along the way (as friendly as they could be under the circumstances). He was finally allowed to make real choices, have true responsibility over himself and not be some tired corporate worker, part of a tired pointless system. Sure his choices weren't that great, and getting there was through outside manipulation and his own ignorance and he had to suffer immensely and pay an awful price of what we like to call his "humanity" but he Became and found what we all look for - his calling.

"It's still me" he says in the last episode. Because he is. He lost nothing and gained everything. Even dying in his lover's arms.

Forget about being human. In the end Jon achieves apotheosis and truly becomes Jonathan Sims

[sunsetsandsunshine]

~ 𝚃𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎, 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎… ~

·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚𝚃𝙸𝙲𝙺𝙻𝙴𝚃𝙾𝙱𝙴𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚈 𝟷𝟺: 𝙰𝙵𝚃𝙴𝚁𝙼𝙰𝚃𝙷˚*• ̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*＊· ̩̩̥͙

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙷𝚞𝚛𝚝/𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜: 𝟹,𝟹𝟾𝟶

𝙻𝚎𝚎: 𝙻𝚎𝚘 🐢💙

𝙻𝚎𝚛: 𝙳𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚎 🐢💜

𝚂𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚝𝚕𝚎𝚜 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚖𝚋𝚞𝚜𝚑 𝚋𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙵𝚘𝚘𝚝…𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙻𝚎𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚎��𝚏-𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚝.

(𝙰/𝙽: 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚕𝚢: 𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚐𝚞𝚢! 𝚃*𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙺𝚒𝚗𝚔/𝙽𝚂𝙵𝚆 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚜 𝙳𝙽𝙸!!!)

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝙲𝚞𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 (𝚂𝚙𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛 ✊🏾😔) 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏-𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜. 𝚈'𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚕𝚕: 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚔!!!

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚𝙴𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢!!!˚*•̩̩͙✩•

“Alright...well, that wraps that up. You’re all good to go, Mikes.” Donnie said as he finished wrapping the youngest’s arm up in bandages. 

The orange banded turtle smiled slightly, giving his immediate older brother a tight hug which the other gladly returned. 

“Thanks…” The smaller turtle said, burying his face into the crook of the other’s neck as they embraced. 

The scientist in purple smiled softly at the gesture, resting his chin on the top of the younger’s head, “It’s no problem. After all, it is what I do.” He said casually, slowly breaking away from the hug as he put the remainder of the bandages to the side of the Med-Bay counter.

Michaelangleo nodded, hopping down from the Med-bay bed and putting on his signature orange hoodie that was resting on a clothing hanger. Donatello let out a soft snort, raising an amused eyebrow ridge at his immediate younger brother, “Whahat’s with the random wardrobe change? You look like a bloated frog.” 

The baby blue eyed turtle let out a feigned gasp, clutching his chest dramatically, “Fihirst ohof all: fuck you. And second of all: I look haaaandsome in this!” He huffed, “Don’t you agree, Leo?” The orange cladded teen said as he turned to the eldest who was sitting on the other bed.

But Leonardo did not make a sound…or…literally any acknowledgement that he even heard the youngest. 

The leader in blue was looking at the tile floor; his eyes glossy as he fiddled with his fingers absentmindedly. 

Donatello sighed, resting his hand on Mikey’s shoulder, “…Leo’s been…shaken up since the ambush; you know how he gets. He’s most likely making up a wholeeeee simulation in his head on how he could’ve 'protected us better…'”

Mikey hummed lightly, crossing his arms and looking at the eldest who was genuinely oblivious to the staring, “…What a weirdo…” 

“Yeah…he is.” The young genius commented back, shaking his head fondly, “But he’s our weirdo.”

“Ohoooo no. Noooo no no no no. That was way too freaking cringy…even for you, Dee.” The younger teen fake-gagged, pretending to throw up as Donnie only snickered at the immature action. 

This is what he gets for trying to be sentimental in front of his younger brother…

As the freckled face mutant continued with his antics, amping it up a million notches as Raph came in…the tallest turtle couldn’t help but catch a glance at his big brother once again.

Leo looked…so dejected…so…so lost.

Donnie exhaled sadly, rubbing his hand anxiously. 

…Splinter would know what to do at a time like this…he always knew what to do at times like this…

Then…worried green eyes met an unsure russet.

Raphael walked to his immediate younger brother, squeezing his hand gently, “…You okay, Don…?”  

Donatello cleared his throat, his free hand flapping near his thigh…

…God, he missed his Dad…

…He missed him so fucking much…

“I-I’m…fine. I’m fine.” The scientist insisted, gently squeezing his older brother’s hand back, “I just…need to patch up Leo and talk with him for a bit…”

“Aye aye 'Captain.” Mikey saluted, giving Donnie a quick peck on the cheek before skedaddling away to the lounge area. 

The middle children rolled their eyes fondly at the youngest’s actions as the green eyed one of the three let go of the tallest’s hand, “…You sure you’re okay?”

“…Y-Yeah…y-yeah, I’m okay.” Donnie grimaced, “Now please go to Mike before he decides to blow up the entire lounge area…” He snickered lightly. 

“Blowing up things is your job, Einstein. But I’m on it.” The elder snorted fondly, walking to the exit before turning his head slightly back to his brother, “Oh— and just so y'know: we’re watching Toy Story 3 in the living room in a couple of minutes.”

Donatello let out an amused huff, “…Ihis this your way of rushing me?” 

“Mmmmm…kinda.” The red banded turtle hummed, shrugging slightly.

“Ihi’ll be as fast ahas I cahan, Raphie…” The taller turtle giggled as he watched his immediate older brother waltz out of the room, “Oh! And don’t start the movie without us!” He yelled from Med-Bay, closing the main doors as he turned all of his attention to his eldest brother…

…Oh. boy…

“Hey, big guy...” The scientist started off softly, slowly going over to his big brother with his signature med-kit. 

The blue banded turtle looked up almost immediately at the sudden voice speaking to him, being forced out of whatever void he was staring into. 

“Hey, Dee…” The elder smiled…although the smile looked more like a forced one…

…Donnie didn’t comment on it. 

“Hey, man…” The younger greeted again, slightly cringing at the sound of his own awkwardness, “How’re you holding up?” 

The smaller turtle blinked at the question, “I’m not…holding anything...” 

Donatello snickered softly at the answer (a typical Leo answer), resting his med-kit on the table as he got out some bandaids and other supplies, “I mean, like…how are you doing? Are you doing alright?” 

The blue banded teen shrugged, “I could…be better. But I’m with you guys, so…I can’t complain…that much anyway…” He finished bluntly.

“Amen to that.” The taller turtle hummed before turning back to his brother, “But before I start…is there anywhere that’s, like, really hurting that you want me to take a look at first? And most importantly: are you okay with me touching you right now or do you want to do the physical stuff later?” He asked as he grabbed his med-kit and a couple other unused washrags. 

“Just my arms hurt, I guess. But it’s just from cuts…nothing major I don’t think.” Leonardo muttered, “And I’m okay with being touched right now…th-thanks for asking.” 

Donatello chuckled softly, “Gotta make sure my big bro’s a-okay.” He grinned, giving the other a thumbs up and getting a disinfectant wipe as he cleaned the cuts on Leo’s arms. 

Heavy silence weighed down the two, almost like a huge weighted blanket.

Accept this silence was not comforting in the slightest…

….It was loud…if that made sense. 

“Soooo…” The taller turtle started, “The Foot took us by complete surprise, huh?” The young scientist exclaimed to try and start a subtle conversation, “You would think that after we beat them every. single. time…they would learn to back the fuck up…”

“Ow.” Leo muttered subtly as the russet eyed mutant cleaned a wound on his shoulder.

The younger grimaced, “Sorry…I’m being as gentle as I can.”

“Well, please be more gentle?” The other winced. 

“Suck it up but also that’s what she said.” Donnie remarked sarcastically, getting more rubbing alcohol and putting it on the other’s shoulder before putting a bandaid on it.

The blue eyed mutant winced at the contact, glaring at the ground as scene’s from just an hour ago unfolded in his mind…

…Jesus fucking Christ…

…How could he have been so. damn. stupid…?

He was supposed to lead his brother’s to victory…not lead them to a legit ambush and straight up failure!!!

What would have Splinter said?

…What…could he have said?

They all could have died because of Leo’s own foolishness…

He had one job.

One fucking job: make sure his brother’s get out of every mission safe and unharmed…

But he couldn’t even protect himself when it came to it…

So what kind of delusions was he feeding himself to make himself even remotely think he could protect his family?

“Woah! Woah woah woah! Hey! Hey…” Donnie’s eyes widened in panic as his older brother slowly started to crumble to tears, although, the younger teen could tell that the eldest was desperatelytrying to hold them back despite his efforts.

“Leo, I-I was just joking about the whole 'suck it up' thing. Y-You know that…right? I was trying to be funny, which…o-obviously backfired.” The second youngest mumbled guiltily, holding Leonardo’s hands in his as he rubbed the top of his knuckles gently. 

“I-It’s n-not that…” The shorter teenager mumbled back pathetically. 

“So…what is it then…?” Donnie quietly asked, his grip on his brother’s hands tightening just a bit as the other refused to answer. 

And almost like an everlasting reminder, the heavy silence weighed down on the two mutants once more.

“Leo…” The purple banded teen urged lightly as the eldest wiped his eyes with his free hand, sniffling as he looked at the ground, “I-It’s nothing…forget i-it.” 

“Lee…” The taller turtle urged on. 

“F-Forget it…please...” The eldest silently begged, wincing at how fragile and weak his voice sounded, “J-Just forget it.” 

“I can’t 'forget' about something when it’s obviously bothering you…” Donatello smiled gently as he sat next to his brother on the bed, wrapping him in a loose side hug that left the smaller turtle to accept or deny…

…Which he very much accepted.

Leonardo rested his head on the other’s shoulder, squeezing his little brother closer to him like a lifeline.

“I just…” The sapphire eyed teenager sucked in a breath, blinking back tears as he buried his face into Donnie’s shoulder, “…I-I just worry so…much about you and Raph’s and Mikey’s and April’s and Casey’s safety and I…I just can’t!”He exclaimed, overall sadness and shame overcoming and overwhelming him immensely. 

“Why…W-Why do I keep worrying about things that can’t be changed no matter what I do?!” The older mumbled, finding it quite humiliating how…brittle his voice was now.

But let’s be honest…it always did sound like that. 

He was supposed to be calm. 

He was supposed to be collected.

He was supposed to be calm and collected. 

…Not…whatever this was.

“I was worried about going out on today’s mission and look what f-fuhucking happened!!!” The sapphire eyed teen laughed bitterly, hugging himself as if his own comfort was the only comfort he felt like he deserved at the moment, “We got ambushed by The fucking Foot…” He grumbled, glaring hatefully at the floor.

“I-I just want you all to be o-okay.” The leader in blue choked out, “I hate seeing you all hurt and only being able to do something about it after the event that caused said hurt has passed…”

The smaller mutant sniffled, wiping his face with his palm, “…Eheven then I can’t do much.”

“I-I j-just…” Leonardo stuttered, “I-I just w-want you all to be o-okay…” 

And just like that…the berating silence visited once again, making Donnie stiffen almost like a stone hard wall as he looked at the other turtle’s completely downtrodden expression. 

The taller teen reached to gently hold the other’s hand, and his eyes only softened more when his elder brother moved his hand out of his reach quickly and quietly. 

The russet eyed mutant fidgeted with his fingers anxiously, “Leo…listen to me, please—”

“No…N-No, stop.” The sapphire eyed mutant said almost immediately, desperately trying to build back up the wall he built between him and his brother…

…Except this time instead of building this wall with cement…he built it without anything to support the bricks at all. 

“It…I-It doesn’t matter, okay?” Leonardo sniffled, wiping his eyes desperately with one hand and digging his hand into his thigh. The taller teenager sighed sadly, scooting closer to his brother and holding his hand, squeezing it gently and reassuringly, “Yes…it does.” The younger said with a stern tone; not an angry one…just stern. 

“I don’t want you to disregard your feelings, okay? This matters. Your feelings matter, Lee…” The taller said as he just now realized he still had the gloves he put on earlier on.

The second youngest of the mutant family quickly went to take off the disposable gloves and put them into the trash, going back to the bed and sitting next to Leonardo, interlocking his fingers with his.

And, man…

Leo’s hands were really ashy. Like…chalk ashy. 

…Eugh. 

Maaaaybe having those gloves on wasn’t such a bad idea…

The russet eyed mutant locked eyes with the smaller, making sure the other knew he meant every word he was saying, “This is about you right now, okay…?” 

The blue banded teen stiffened slightly at the other’s sudden firm voice, looking down at his own knees as he rubbed his thigh with his free hand anxiously. 

Donnie’s eyes softened once more for, like, the fourth time this hour at the eldest’s anxious demeanor, going into his pouch and giving his brother a stress ball, which the blue banded turtle gladly took. 

The second youngest sighed, “I-I’m not angry at you, okay?”

The other looked at the taller doubtfully.

“Don’t look at me like that!!!” The russet eyed teenager huffed, “I might be frustrated that you’re pushing down your feelings in order to 'protect mine'…but I would never be mad at you.” He emphasized, “Never.” 

But then, the purple banded teen then jokingly hummed in thought, lightly rubbing his brother’s knuckles with his fingers, “Well…there was that one time you swapped the house sprinkles and replaced them with salt for my ice cream…I was mad at you for that.” 

And thank God Leo cracked a small smile; rolling his eyes and giggling slightly at the random comment, “Okahay thahat was an accident…” 

“You put food coloring on the salt! 'Accident' my ass.” 

The eldest just laughed harder at the memory, “Yohour fahahault fohor falling fohor ihit…” 

The second youngest sighed dramatically, “Gaslighting the victim at its finest, I see.” 

The purple banded turtle then lightly bumped his brother’s shoulder, squeezing his hand one last time, “I do need you to know, though…it gets better, Leo…okay?” Donnie said with..so much love and compassion and just utmost respect for his older brother.

“…Does it…?” The sapphire eyed teen murmured.

“It does.” The other assured, “I-I know it doesn’t feel like it right now…but it does.” He said, examining his brother’s readable but yet unreadable expression, “…You don’t believe me…”

“And why should I?” The other quietly and carefully asked. 

“…Would I ever lie to you?”

“…No.” Leo concluded as he sniffled, resting his head on his brother’s shoulder as the taller mutant chuckled, “And I’m just gonna be blunt here…you’re a worrywart.” Donnie snickered. 

“Hey!!” The young leader huffed. 

“And you worry and stress about a lot of things.” The young genius exclaimed, “And that’s okay. But what’s not okay is you disregarding those feelings.”

“You’re our big brother for Christ sake! I would lowkey be kinda worried if you didn’t worry about us.” Donatello laughed, “But you have to trust that we’ll be okay in the end. We have each other…and personally? That’s all I really need…” 

Leonardo’s eyes shined slightly, burying his face in his brother’s upper plastron, “L-Love you…” 

“I love you too, shortie.” Donnie smiled softly as he gently squeezed the other against him before letting go and getting up to put the rest of the medical kit things away. 

“So…how do I look Doc McStuffins?” The leader in blue grinned cheekily as he wiped away his excess tears. 

The younger rolled his eyes fondly, “Okay, well first of all: fuck you. And second, your okay. Just a couple scratches…nothing major.” Donnie said as he disposed the rest of the dirty cloths and disinfectant wipes in the trash.

“But if I see you training at all for the next two weeks I will personally burn your entire Space Heroes action figure collection.” Donatello huffed. 

Leonardo’s eyes widened, “…You wouldn’t.” 

Donatello raised a brow, smirking, “Wanna bet?” 

The eldest sighed in defeat, looking down at the ground and pouting slightly, “No…” 

Donatello chuckled at the other’s demeanor, going in front of him and holding his hands gently, “But you have to promise me something.” 

“Hm?”

“Talk to someone if you feel shitty about yourself or something!” The purple banded turtle huffed, flicking his brother’s forehead, “You know better than anyone else here that bottling up feelings just ends up badly.” 

“And put some damn lotion on. Your hands are ashy as hell.” The russet eyed teenager said, holding back a snort as his older brother stammered over his words at the random order. 

“Wohoah wooooah, pause pause pause!” The blue banded turtle giggled, waving his hands, “I thought we were having a moment!” 

“We were!” The russet eyed mutant laughed, “I just need you to put some cream on. It’s bothering me!” 

“Everything bothers you…” The leader in blue grumbled under his breath, getting up from the bed and getting lotion which was on one of the desk tables. “Better?” The older said sassily as he put the cream on, raising an eye ridge to the taller teenager who just snickered in amusement by his sassiness. 

“Much better, ash baby.” The taller chuckled, sitting down on the bed as the smaller followed. 

“So…what now?” The sapphire eyed teen hummed. 

“Well, I dunno if you heard but Raph and Mikey wanted to watch Toy Story 3…” Donnie said. 

“Of course they did…” Leo laughed fondly, “And here I thought I cried enough today…”

“…You sure you’re okay, though…?” The other asked. 

“I mean, yeah…” The sapphire eyed mutant shrugged, “I just wish I knew what to do when stuff like this happens…”

“…Like Dad did?” Donnie mumbled. 

“Like Dad did.” Leo nodded, sharing a small smile of remembrance with the younger. 

Donatello nodded, getting up for a quick second as he took off his mask and washed his hands in the Med-bay sink. The eldest quickly and quietly followed, washing his hands as well before drying them.

And…remember the silence?

The shell crushing berating silence that he couldn’t stand for more than 0.1 seconds…?

…Well, it was gone now…

But it was replaced with comfort. And quite personally that was way better than just straight up awkwardness… 

Leonardo put on a comfy hoodie as his sibling did the same, the both of them ready for the movie night about to unfold but…not quite ready.

If that made sense. 

“Awkward sibling hug?” The russet eyed teen said as he stretched his arms out, causing his sibling to chuckle, rolling his eyes.

“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.” The sapphire eyed mutant laughed fondly. “I was making a reference!” Donatello exclaimed as he pouted slightly. “Just come here!” 

The shorter turtle just fondly rolled his eyes once more, embracing his younger brother. Donatello gave the other a comforting kiss on the cheek, causing the blue cladded teenager to stifle a small giggle. 

“JESUS! Dohon!” The older one shouted, hiding his face in his brother’s shoulder before letting out a small snort, “Noho Dohon whyhy…?” 

“Because I love you? Duh.” The other laughed, holding his sibling against his plastron tighter as his free hand danced around the leader’s sides. 

“Ihi knohow thahat!” Leo squealed, “Yohou don’t need to fuhucking kihihiss me to show IHIHAT! SNRT NONOHOH WAHAIT!!” He cried as his brother pinched up and down his ribs like a harp. “IHI CAHAN’T!!”

“IIIiIIiI cAaAaaan’t..” The young genius teased. 

The leader’s face turned the lightest of pink, shaking his head back and forth as he squirmed, “DOHON’T MIHIHIMICK SNRT MEEHEE!” He demanded. 

“Been there, done that.” The other shrugged casually, giving small kisses in the crook of the smaller’s neck, causing the smaller in question giggle’s to raise a million octaves. 

“EHEHEHEW!!!” Leonardo complained through cackles, “SCREHEHEW AHAFF!!”

“Notice how you’re still in the hug though.” Donnie commented, stopping and giving the other a quick squeeze before letting him go.

“Shuhut snrt up…” The sapphire eyed mutant huffed, almost jumping out of his shell as the second youngest poked him one more time before opening his phone notifications. 

Text from 'RAPH-A-HELL', 2 minutes ago:

'WHAT IS TAKING YOU GUYS SO DAMN SO LONG DID LEO LOSE A LIMB OR SOME SHIT???!!??}{{>'

Donnie sighed as he texted his older brother back, sighing louder as his other older brother peered over his shoulder to see who he was texting. 

Nosy ass…

'We’ll be right there, Raphie 😗'

'YOU SAID THAT AN HUPOUR AD FITENN MINUTES AGO 😡😡😡😡😡🥺'

'*😡!!!!'

Leo quickly snatched the phone from Donnie’s grip, quickly typing something before handing it back. 

'Yeah yeah Mr. Cranky we’re coming 🤡🤡🤡🤡👺👺👺🤑🤑🤠👹👿😈👾💩👻'

Donnie held back a snicker as he looked at the text, putting his phone in his pocket as Leo grinned in satisfaction. “Lemme guess…” Leonardo hummed, “He left us on read.”

“Can you blame him? Those emojis you put looks like they came straight from hell…” The taller remarked as they walked out of the Med-bay, heading to the living room.

[blaithnne]

Fuck it the second I get my iPad back and my period ends I’m just doing my own sketchbook week (it’s the exact same as normal sketchbook week but it’s a week later and the universe stops trying to kill me)

[general-yasur]

I wish Zanes suits had less grey in them, I just think it blends in too much…on the other hand,,

I WILL be making Zanes climbing suit sleeveless

[populousgraph]

This is something my friend and I like to call School Bullshit (Basically just School Doodles)

The next two are lyrics from Karma by AJR

LEADER DEVIN WON'T LEAVE MY BRAIN

[amikothegreat]

Part 2 of the homecorp crossover and Roxy has entered the arena! Roxy takes the place of Benjamin/Hokma, so old woman REAL!!

[pikachu-deluxe]

hey, image of my beasts coming up sometime tonight in like a few hours, if not check back tomorrow in my art blog, it should be there by then

[spaciebabie]

[azaracyy]

today, cupimon prays for your happiness too.

[apologetic-artist]

Im scared ngl. I don't know what to do. I'm hugging you all right now

[lale-txt]

hate the fact that in order to get better at a thing, you actually have to DO the thing. outrageous. you're telling me i can't just wake up one day and magically be perfect at The Thing, i gotta put in the work first? awful

[yuichiroswife]

{ Just got back into the swing of writing again on another blog only to find out my grandma is in the hospital for heart issues. First it was my grandpa and now it's my grandma. I'm honestly starting to believe that things really can just keep getting worse instead of better cause nothing ever seems to get better over here. }

[asmodeusamaryllis]

I don't think I can keep being open minded to n@tl@n guys

[acourtofquestions]

Kingdom of Ash Chapter 20 …

oh my gods chapter 20…

I am dead inside.

And somehow dying more per chapter.

Ow. THE NIGHTMARE DREAM SEQUENCE

"Do you know the story of the queen who walked through worlds?"

Seated on the mossy carpet of an ancient glen, one hand toying with the small white flowers strewn across it, Aelin shook her head.

In the towering oaks that formed a lattice over the clearing, small stars blinked and shimmered, as if they'd been snared by the branches themselves. Beyond them, bathing the forest with light bright enough to see by, a full moon had risen. All around them, faint, lilting singing floated on the warm summer air.

"It is a sad story," her aunt said, one corner of her red-painted mouth curling upward as she leaned back on her seat carved into a granite boulder. Her usual place, while they had these lessons, these long, peaceful chats deep into the balmy summer nights. "And an old one."

Aelin lifted an eyebrow. "Aren't I a little old for faerie stories?" She'd indeed just celebrated her twentieth birthday three days ago, in another clearing not too far from here. Half of Doranelle had come, it had seemed, and yet her mate had found a way to sneak her from the revelry. All the way to a secluded pool in the forest's heart. Her face still warmed to think of that moonlit swim, what Rowan had made her feel, how he'd worshipped her in the sun-warmed water.

Mate. The word was still a surprise. As it had been to arrive here at spring's end and see him beside her aunt's throne and simply know. And in the months since, their courting ... Aelin indeed blushed at the thought of it. What they'd done in that forest pool had been the culmination of those months. And an unleashing. The mating marks on her neck— and on Rowan's-proved it. She would not be returning to Terrasen alone when autumn arrived.

"No one is too old for faerie stories," her aunt said, faint smile growing. "And as you are part faerie yourself, I would think you'd have some interest in them."

Aelin smiled back, bowing her head. "Fair enough, Aunt."

Aunt wasn't entirely accurate, not with generations and millennia separating them, but it was the only thing the queen had suggested Aelin call her.

Maeve settled further into her seat. "Long ago, when the world was new, when there were no human kingdoms, when no wars had marred the earth, a young queen was born."

Aelin folded her legs beneath her, angling her head.

"She did not know she was a queen. Amongst her people, power was not inherited, but simply born. And as she grew, her strength rose with her. She found the land she dwelled in to be too small for that power. Too dark and cold and grim. She had gifts similar to many wielded by her kind, but she had been given more, her power a sharper, more intricate weapon-enough that she was different. Her people saw that power and bowed to it, and she ruled them.

"Word spread of her gifts, and three kings came to seek her hand. To form an alliance between their throne and the one she had built for herself, small as it might have been. For a time, she thought it would be the newness, the challenge that she had always craved. The three kings were brothers, each mighty in his own right, their power vast and terrifying. She picked the eldest among them, not for any particular skill or grace, but for his countless libraries. What she might learn in his lands, what she might do with her power ... It was that knowledge she craved, not the king himself."

A strange story. Aelin's brows rose, but her aunt continued on.

"So they were wed, and she left her small territory to join him in his castle. For a time, she was contented, both by her husband and the knowledge his home offered her. He and his two brothers were conquerors, and spent much of their time away, leashing new lands to their shared throne. She did not mind, not when it gave her freedom to learn as she would. But her husband's libraries contained knowledge even he did not realize was held within. Lore and wisdom from worlds long since turned to dust. She learned that there were indeed other worlds. Not the dark, blasted realm in which they lived, but worlds beyond that, living atop one another and never realizing it. Worlds where the sun was not a watery trickle through the ash-clouds, but a golden stream of warmth. Worlds where green existed. She had never heard of such a color. Green. Nor had she heard of blue-not the shade of sky that was described. She could not so much as picture it."

Aelin frowned. "A pitiful existence."

Maeve nodded grimly. "It was. And the more she read about these other worlds, where long-dead wayfarers had once roamed, the more she wanted to see them. To know the kiss of the sun on her face. To hear the morning songs of sparrows, the crying of gulls over the sea. The sea that, too, was foreign to her. An endless sprawl of water, with its own moods and hidden depths. All they had in her lands were shallow, murky lakes and half-dried streams. So while her husband and his two brothers were off waging yet another war, she began to ponder how she might find a way into one of those worlds. How she might leave."

"Is such a thing even possible?" Something nagged at her, as if it might indeed be true, but perhaps that was one of her own mother's tales, or even Marion's, tugging on her memory.

Maeve nodded. "It was. Using the very language of existence itself, doors might be opened, however briefly, between worlds. It was forbidden, outlawed long before her husband and his brothers were born. Once the last of the ancient wayfarers had died out, the paths between realms were sealed, their methods of world-walking lost with them. Or so all had thought. But deep in her husband's private library, she found the old spells. She began with small experiments. First, she opened a door to the realm of resting, to find one of those wayfarers and ask her how it was properly done." A knowing smile. "The wayfarer refused to tell her. So the queen began to teach herself. Opening and closing doors long since forgotten or sealed. Peering deep into the workings of the cosmos. Her own world became a cage. She grew tired of her husband's warring, his casual cruelty. And when he went away to war once again, the queen gathered her closest handmaidens, opened a door to a new world, and left the one she'd been born into."

"She left?" Aelin blurted. "She she just left her own world? Permanently?"

"It had never been her world, not really. She had been born to rule others."

"Where did she go?"

That smile grew a bit. "To a fair, lovely world. Where there was no war, no darkness. Not like that in which she had been born. She was made a queen there, too. Was able to hide herself within a new body so that none could know what she was beneath, so that even her own husband would not recognize her."

"Did he ever find her again?"

"No, though he looked. Found out all she'd learned, and taught it to himself and his brothers. They tore apart world after world to find her. And when they arrived at the world where she had made her new home, they did not know her. Even as they went to war, she did not reveal herself. She won, and two of the kings, her husband included, were banished back to their own world. The third remained trapped, his power nearly broken. He crawled off into the depths of the earth, and the victorious queen spent her long, long existence preparing for his return, preparing her people for it. For the three kings had gone beyond her methods of world-walking. They had found a way to permanently open a gate between worlds, and had made three keys to do so. To wield those keys was to control all worlds, to have the power of eternity in the palm of your hand. She wished to find them, only so she might possess the strength to banish any enemies, banish her husband's youngest brother back to his realm. To protect her new, lovely world. It was all she ever wanted: to dwell in peace, without the shadow of her past hunting her."

From far away, that ghost of memory pushed. As if she'd forgotten to douse a flame left burning in her room. "And did the queen find the keys?"

Maeve's smile turned sad. "Do you think she did, Aelin?"

Aelin considered. So many of their chats, their lessons in this glen, held deeper puzzles, questions for her to work through, to help her when she one day took her throne, Rowan at her side.

As if she'd summoned him, the pine-and-snow scent of her mate filled the clearing. A rustle of wings, and there he was, perched in hawk form on one of the towering oaks. Her warrior-prince.

She smiled toward him, as she had for weeks now, when he'd come to escort her back to her rooms in the river palace. It was during those walks from forest to mist-shrouded city that she had come to know him, love him. More than she had ever loved anything.

Aelin again faced her aunt. "The queen was clever, and ambitious. I would think she could do anything, even find the keys."

"So you would believe. And yet they eluded her."

"Where did they go?"

Maeve's dark stare unwaveringly held hers.

"Where do you think they went?"

Aelin opened her mouth. "I think —

She blinked. Paused

Maeve's smile returned, soft and kind. As her aunt had been to her from the start. "Where do you think the keys are, Aelin?"

She opened her mouth once more. And again halted.

Like an invisible chain yanked her back. Silenced her.

Chain—a chain. She glanced down at her hands, her wrists. As if expecting them to be there.

She had never felt a shackle's bite in her life. And yet she stared at the empty place on her wrist where she could have sworn there was a scar. Only smooth, sun-kissed skin remained.

"If this world were at risk, if those three terrible kings threatened to destroy it, where would you go to find the keys?" Aelin looked up at her aunt.

Another world. There was another world Like a fragment of a dream, there was another world, and in it, she had a wrist with a scar on it. Had scars all over.

And her mate, perched overhead ... He had a tattoo down his face and neck and arm in that world. A sad story—his tattoo told a sad, awful story. About loss. Loss caused by a dark queen.

"Where are the keys hidden, Aelin?" That placid, loving smile remained on

Maeve's face. And yet ...

And yet.

"No," Aelin breathed

Something slithered in the depths of her aunt's stare. "No what?"

This wasn't her existence, her life. This place, these blissful months learning in Doranelle, finding her mate—Blood and sand and crashing waves.

"No."

Her voice was a thunderclap through the peaceful glen.

Aelin bared her teeth, fingers curling in the moss.

Maeve let out a soft laugh. Rowan flapped from the branches to land on the queen's upraised arm.

He didn't so much as fight it when she wrapped her thin white hands around his neck. And snapped it. Aelin screamed. Screamed, clutching at her chest, at the shredding mating bond—

She screamed again. Screamed at her ruined arm, the unscarred skin, screamed at the lingering echo of the severed mating bond.

"Do you know what pains me most, Aelin?" Maeve's words were soft as a lover's. "It's that you believe I'm the villain in this."

Whenever that had been. If it had even happened at all.

"I have no doubt that your mate or Elena or even Brannon himself filled your head with lies about what I'll do with the keys." Maeve ran a hand over the stone lip of the altar, right through her splattered blood and shards of bone. "I meant what I said. I like this world. I do not wish to destroy it. Only improve it. Imagine a realm where there is no hunger, no pain. Isn't that what you and your cohorts are fighting for? A better world?"

The words were a mockery. A mockery of what she'd promised so many. What she had promised Terrasen, and still owed it.

Aelin tried not to shift against the chains, against her broken arms, against the tight pressure pushing on her skin from the inside. A rising intensity along her bones, in her head. little more, every day.

Maeve heaved a small sigh. "I know what you think of me, Fire-Bringer. What you assume. But there are some truths that cannot be shared. Even for the keys." Yet the growing strain cracking within her, smothering the pain ... perhaps worse. Maeve cupped her cheek over the mask.

"The Queen Who Was Promised. I wish to save you from that sacrifice, offered up by a headstrong girl." A soft laugh. "I'd even let you have Rowan. The two of you here, together. While you and I work to save this world."

The words were lies. She knew it, though she couldn't quite remember where one truth ended and the lie began. If her mate had belonged to another before her. Been given away. Or had that been the nightmare?

Gods, the pressure in her body. Her blood.

You do not yield.

"You can feel it, even now," Maeve went on. "The urge of your body to say yes." Aelin opened her eyes, and confusion must have glittered there, because Maeve smiled. "Do you know what being encased in iron does to a magic-wielder? You wouldn't feel it immediately, but as time goes on ... your magic needs release, Aelin. That pressure is your magic screaming it wants you to come free of these chains and release the strain. Your very blood tells you to heed me."

Truth. Not the submission part, but the deepening pressure she knew would be worse than any pain from burnout. She'd felt it once, when plunging as far into her power as she'd ever gone.

That would be nothing compared to this.

"I am leaving for a few days," Maeve said.

Aelin stilled.

Maeve shook her head in a mockery of disappointment.

Fenrys sat by the wall, concern bright in his eyes as he blinked. Are you all right?

She blinked twice. No.

No, she was not anywhere near to all right.

Maeve had been waiting for this, waiting for this pressure to begin, worse than anything Cairn might do. And with the collar Maeve now went to personally retrieve … She couldn't let herself contemplate it. A more horrific form of slavery, one she might never escape, never be able to fight.

Not a breaking of the Fire-Bringer, but an erasure.

To take all she was, power and knowledge, and rip it from her. To have her trapped inside while she witnessed her own voice yield the location of the Wyrdkeys. Swear the blood oath to Maeve. Wholly submit to her.

Fenrys blinked four times. I am here, I am with you.

She answered in kind. I am here, I am with you.

Her magic surged, seeking a way out, filling the gaps between her breath and bones. She couldn't find room for it, couldn't do anything to soothe it.

You do not yield.

She focused on the words. On her mother's voice. Perhaps the magic would devour her from the inside before Maeve returned.

But she did not know how she'd endure it.

Endure another few days of this, let alone the next hour. To ease the strain, just a fraction ...

She shut down the thoughts that snaked into her mind. Her own or Maeve's, she didn't care.

Fenrys blinked again, the same message over and over. I am here, I am with you.

Aelin closed her eyes, praying for oblivion.

"Get up." A mockery of words she'd once heard.

[blackfemmejeanvaljean]

my one lunch break is my one break and this is the coworker that was "helping" me in my class yesterday. And by help I mean she sat and a chair and left me to do everything by myself