#imagine thinking fanfiction you don’t like is bullying lmao

[padawansuggest]

They said writing fanfiction with trans is bullying 🥺 uwu I wuv to boowly the cis I dwive the down with cis bus and beat the shit out of swangers 🥺

[masterhandss]

How would you describe the original Katarina’s personality?

Hmm, that's kinda hard to answer. I feel like I've read so much FL!Katarina fanfics that i'd be combining canon and fanon interpretations of her haha.

(I'll be calling Hamefura Katarina "Bakarina" and Fortune Lover Katarina "Catarina" so I don't have to write FL!Katarina lmao)

There's not really a lot we know about the Fortune Lover version of the characters except for the surface level stuff. People have come up with their own explanations and extensions to those incarnations of the cast based on what little we know, creating interpretations based on our own suspicions and understanding of the life they could have lived if Bakarina had never bumped her head.

Bakarina described herself as a spoiled, prideful and selfish wealthy lady. She is far too spoiled, to the point where her selfishness causes problems for others. She is catty and brat. She was raised like a princess during her childhood, which made her haughty, but is nonetheless well-mannered is aware of her station (probably not as perfect as Mary's, but is still prim and proper). Since she is so used to the spotlight being on herself, she bullied Keith who was a threat to her position and because of the influence of her dejected mother, Miri. She doesn't care about anybody who isn't on her radar (people like Alan and Mary, who even her own fiance is indifferent towards) but will visibly act hostile to people she does not like (people who either not of noble birth or those who don't deserve to be, like Maria and Sophia).

Being the haughty daughter of a duke, she has high regards towards the importance of ranks in high society, making her hate Maria the commoner. She would belittle and put her down at every opportunity she can get, in order to make sure that Maria does not forget her status as a commoner even as she continues to stay in the academy and interact with their peers. Her feelings of disgust and betrayal over being on equal grounds with a commoner in the academy, as well as being surpassed by her magically and academically, leads Catarina to bully and harass her to an extreme degree to destroy her self-esteem and eventually make her leave the academy entirely.

In Fortune Lover 2, she returns as a villain who is intent on making Maria pay for her downfall. It shows that she isn't remorseful, and still thinks that she had done nothing wrong. At this point, Catarina goes from a selfish and spoiled brat duchess to a vengeful (and kinda murderous) villainess.

That's kinda all that I got from skimming Volume 1 or the light novels at the moment; I'm sure there are still some insight on what Catarina was like in the other books, besides what we know of her relationships with the other volumes.

While Verge of Doom in mind, we see that Catarina's overconfidence in herself can become a positive as well. She is so sure of herself that she declared anyone by her side is excellent and worthy to a degree, which had helped Sienna feel comfortable being in the academy. Katarina always has her chin up high, even though she is intellectually and magically weak, because her upbringing has made her feel like she is naturally leagues above everyone due to her status.

Catarina is just your typical surface-level villainess character, who is prideful, selfish and mean to other people who isn't in her circle. That's pretty much it to be honest.

Anything beyond this is pretty much laced with analysis and interpretation. One of the reasons why I really like reading FL-verse fics is the different ways they interpret the personalities and motivations of the characters with the little amount of history that we know of. Some of it are pure interpretation, while some of them are good extensions to the stuff we already knew.

Since Catarina is implied to not being good at reading the room, it'd be no surprise to imagine that her growing love for Prince Geordo is the outcome of not being able to read beyond his princely facade, thinking that he genuinely is returning the feelings rather than just being polite since that is expected of him. She lives in this perfect world where everything is made for her, and anyone who threatens it or disturbs it is worthy of her malice.

Some interpretations of Catarina say that she never bothered to try academically because of her status, since she's a prince's fiancee and a duke's daughter, she already has everything so there's nothing she would gain from a good grade. She had probably used her time socializing and growing her circle of followers rather than reading and studying. Since Catarina and Bakarina share the same soul, some would say that maybe she is airheaded and socially dense as well which is why she can't tell that other people dislike her (and even if she did know, depending on who they are she'd be so full of herself that she wouldn't care). Some have said that her physical abuse towards Keith as a child is more than just arrogance about wanting to keep the spotlight on herself and rejecting the idea of having a brother, but a reaction towards feeling threatened and (initially) scared rather than pure jealousy and anger. Some have even made her an accidental seductress who is unknowingly using her charm, wealth and arrogance to gather people to her side. Miridiana from what we know is an insecure person growing up due to her face, so some people have said that Catarina's arrogance is encouraged by Miri, if it helps her be more confident in herself as a duchess, and that in her eyes Catarina had grown into a perfect noblewoman.

Whenever fic writers try to draw lines between Catarina and Bakarina makes me happy actually :DD I love the idea that two have some similar quirks in the same way Aachan and Sophia does. It's so fun when writers make Catarina dumb in the way Bakarina is, while still maintaining her air of arrogance and poise.

It really makes me wish we could have seen more of Catarina in Verge of Doom. Like, have more flashbacks to Catarina's original personality, or have more scenarios where she is forced to act like her villainous self in order to get through a situation. At this point even the main story has more instances of this qwq. I mean it's really good that VOD gives a more remorseful Katarina, and it is interesting to see Catarina and Bakarina react to situations in the exact opposite ways, but one can dream, ya know?

Catarina is as simple of a villainess as one can get, but it's nice to see people try to give more history, detail and nuance to that villainy. It's fun to see it in fanfics, but let's not forget that she's a simple character in canon.

There's still so much I could say, but it's been so long since i've read a hamefura fanfiction so my stock knowledge is dried out lmao. I'm not a writer, so I can only really describe what I remember from reading Fortune Lover-verse fics. I really like them, even if they can be out of character and too different from the source material at times.

If anyone wants to add with more details about Catarina, or their own interpretations of her character, that would be awesome! :DD

Thank you for the ask :DD

[sou-ver-2-0]

Hello 💜 I might have been spamming you a bit with the likes but I really do enjoy your meta💜 I also wanted to mention that I really do like the way Reko says she wants to reach out to Shin if you go Reko/Sou route? Gin and Reko being worried about him (w/ Gin likely feeling guilt for having voted for Kanna) was pretty sweet, especially with him treating Gin nicely in general and Reko having tried to get him open up early into 2-2 Main Game too? I don't think that route will end well but (p1)

(p2) I would honestly dig Reko and Shin being on friendly terms if the cast made out, especially with how Alice/Kanna route has Alice ending up being a big bro protector figure to Kanna, while Reko the only adult Shin has yet to be betrayed by that's alive and had the sense to vote for him than Kanna is the younger sister who plays big sis to a good deal of the cast. It's just an interesting thing actually, that how dysfunctional Reko/Sou route vs Alice/Kanna is?

(p3) With former, there is still some awkwardness compared to Reko/Kanna with Reko having already taken a big sisterly role with her, but Alice is more than willing to look out for this child, while with Reko/Sou you can see that Reko genuinely feels bad for him and wants to amend things, yet Kanna's death really was the last straw for Shin that at best she is going to get Shin not looking out for chances to actively harm her (or Gin) while they might be collateral damage anyway.

Part idk bc I forgot to mention: I like how his "I-I wouldn't leave you behind..." to Gin right after they visit Gashu's secret room sounds like he is hurt that he would think he would leave a primary schooler back if he found an escape path too, especially with him in ch 1 saying Gin should rest with him and Kanna and likely having planned to look out for him too, if Gin wouldn't have said he gives him weird vibes and stuck to Sara. And offers him snacks to leave him work in Nao's room gfkfg

Okay I swear last part but I forgot to mention that I also like that Gin says he hates loner but doesn't want him to die/says he feels sorry for him for smelling gloomy and he is actually one of the members who while saying he hates him in 2-2 Main Game, he also does get worried for the "outsider" types, saying he is worried they might not get enough clear chips? That said wow bullied by a primary schooler rip Shin

Hello there! I really enjoy your meta too! 💜

I absolutely love this ask. You wrote so much, so I wish I could think of interesting things to say, but all I want to say is “I love Shin’s relationships with Gin and Reko too!! I love them so much!!”

I suppose, in a way, Gin and Reko act as a barometer for how a “normal, decent person” would react to Shin. They are suspicious of him and sympathetic towards him at all the right moments in the narrative. They are neither as cynical as Keiji nor as optimistic as Kanna. But they are hilarious and I love that for them!

Like, you just mentioned all these genuinely sweet moments for them. But if I can pull up some contentious memories:

REKO: I'm gonna take that bastard out, I swear...!!

GIN: I bet he's just hiding under the bed in his room or something, woof!!

REKO: Perfect spot for a treacherous ass like him! Let's check it out!

This comes from the beginning of Chapter 2 when the whole team is on a witch hunt for Shin, and I just! I love how eager and aggressive they are in their pursuit of justice, oh my god haha. I love how well they both team up against him. It’s such fantastic dark humor.

Then I love how you can tell from Nankidai’s writing that Reko aggressively shakes Shin when they finally find him!

KANNA: What in the world happened?

SOU: Eh...? / T... That's what I wanna know... / Where is this place... When did I get here...?

REKO: Cram it, you bastard...! Like hell anybody's gonna worry about you now! / What're you plotting?! Tell me!

SOU: W... Waugh?! Hold on...!

KEIJI: Now, now. Violence isn't the answer, Reko.

REKO: Tch...!!

SOU: W... What is it...? You're so mean suddenly...

Featuring a bonus obnoxious “Now now” from Keiji, LMAO get a load of this filthy hypocrite.

I just love to imagine Reko grabbing Shin by the scarf and shaking him! Nankidai blesses us with the wackiest scenarios.

Also remember when Gin wanted to scribble on Shin’s doll??

GIN: Let’s scribble on the loner’s doll, meow!

SARA: Gin…

CHOICE: Don’t get us caught

SARA: Safalin will find out. Don’t touch them.

GIN: Meow! You’ll live to see another day, loner!

And they always call him “Beanie Man” and “Loner” instead of his name… They crack me up so much!! I could go on and on about them!

Anyway, the only reason I bring up these contentious moments is to highlight how sweet it is that they don’t actually hate Shin at all. As you pointed out, they end up sympathizing a lot with him! If Shin was just being his regular vulnerable self, they would probably be protective of him. (And just a little bit teasing!) I think that speaks very well for both Reko and Gin. It shows what genuine good souls they are.

I also love that you pointed to examples of Shin being protective of Gin! It’s lovely to imagine that if Shin hadn’t taken on the Sou persona, we could have seen more “big brother Shin” moments like that! Personally, I’m very fond of imagining Shin as a good big brother figure towards all three children in the Simulations. I want to think, in his true heart, Shin is someone who couldn’t stand to see the children die before him.

That makes it all the more tragic if they end up becoming collateral damage for Shin’s revenge. :(

I also love to imagine that they could become friends if Shin lived, and if things worked out just a little bit better. I don’t believe Shin actively hates them. Reko voted for him, and he would just hate Sara more for “tricking” Gin into helping to murder Kanna. I don’t know if Shin…wants to live anymore…in the route where Kanna dies… But if they managed to escape, I think Reko and Gin would both worry a lot about him! And they would want to help him. I’m certain!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I’m a huge, huge fan of the loner’s relationships with the rock star and the furry kid. Seeing fan art or fanfiction of them being actual friends gets straight to my heart.

[misterbitches]

I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

[silent-scythe]

True Winter

Hi y’all! Technically, I should be doing world history homework, but I’m not. No, I wrote angsty Cassian fanfiction. 

This is crossposted onto AO3. I also started writing this during class and it’s not really edited, so my apologies for all the tense changes and any grammatical or spelling errors. 

Anyways, I really hope y’all like it. This takes place when Cassian is little and dumped at Windhaven- he was like 5 for something? Idk, but I just wanted to write a short little something about it lmao. 

Warnings: very mild cursing 

༺༻

When people think of snow, they often think of wonderland. They imagine the tall, powerful pine trees with snow piled on top, little flecks of dark green representing the branches that peeked through. They imagine the icicles that dangle from the roofs of bungalows and townhouses. They imagine powdery snowflakes and snowball fights. They imagine a world turned to bliss, playful by day and serene at night. They imagine the coziness of winter, snuggled in their warm homes with warm drinks and warm clothes and warm hearts. 

But what happens when they don’t get that privilege? When they instead, have to live outside, cold, shuddering at the freezing temperatures, fingers frozen, stomachs twisting in hunger?

There is a little boy. 

He’s not a little boy now. No, he is a courageous, compassionate and loving male with a family and friends. But before that, he was just a bastard-born boy with hopes shattered like ice in the frigid grasp of death. 

And he tells the story of true winter. 

༺༻

Winter comes again, but it’s different.

It is harsh, the snow. 

Cassian doesn’t like it. Hates it, even. Past winters had been spent with his mother, in front of a crackling fire pit, not alone in a camp full of people who hate him. He flinches at that thought, remembering all too clearly the last insult hurled at his face. 

He hasn’t experienced an Illyrian winter yet, at least not one by himself, alone, tossed outside like a rag, left to become dust in the wind. 

He trudges through the snow that has already reached his calves, his worn leather boots near tattered. He can feel the cold seep through the fabric, settling deep into his bones. 

I need a new pair of shoes, he realizes. And food, water, maybe a blanket or warmer clothes. 

He is but a boy right now, short and somewhat clumsy, although still more lithe than the average Illyrian, having spent his entire life fighting to live. His hazel eyes are round, with the type of innocence that seems both naive and old beyond his years. His hair is wild, tangled, and already down to his shoulders- he can’t remember the last time he got a haircut. 

He doesn’t want to. Haircuts remind him of a different time. A time with warmth and cozy beds and delicious food and love. A time with his mother. 

Cassian banishes the thought away, instead focusing on his task. Food, shoes, and something warm. 

He shakes his wings, the light snow that dusted them falling off with the action. He clenches his small hands into fists, trying to keep warm, since he doesn’t have any gloves, either. 

Cassian walks into the main parts of Windhaven, and the bloodied, crimson and gold sun rises. 

A new day starts. 

༺༻

Night is falling by the time he reaches his tent, which is on the outskirts of the camp, close to the forest. Cassian had heard tales before, tales of the creatures who prowled and hunted at night. He shudders at the thought. 

He calls his home a tent, but it really isn’t. It is made with fabric- the material that the tents were made from- that he took from someone after beating them in a fight. He had found a tall pine tree to mark his home. Then, he had dragged bricks, mud, and rocks from around camp to his makeshift house, building a single wall besides the tree, then he had draped the tent-fabric diagonally from it, securing it to the ground with nails that he found. It is lopsided, falling apart, and beyond dirty, but it will have to make do, at least for now. 

It is small and Cassian doesn’t mind, for he doesn’t have much with him. He is a bastard after all, thrown here into the mud with nothing, the tears on his face not yet dried. He has a small storage of food in one corner that he saves for the worst blizzards, the one he hears about from the adult Illyrians, the ones he knows are coming soon, and a change of clothes in the other corner. A bed is in the center, although it really isn’t a bed- just furs that lined the cold, hard ground, giving him something to help keep him warm during the dead of night. 

Cassian sighs and wonders if he will ever be able to sleep in a real bed one day. “It’s unfair,” he yells into his shabby home. “It’s unfair that I’m just a little boy, yet I have to go through all of this shit!” 

He is answered only by the howling winds.

Shit is a new word he learned a few days ago. Cassian doesn’t know if he used it correctly, but he doesn’t care. 

In his left hand is a big piece of fur. He thinks it's fur from the deer that reside nearby, although he doesn’t know. He is lucky to get his hands on it- a female Illyrian had given it to him, her face softened in sorrow. In Cassian’s right hand is a makeshift bag, which is really a square cloth that he uses to hold the food he manages to get everyday. Today, he has a decently-sized piece of jerky and something that probably used to be bread. 

“It’s food,” he says firmly, to himself. “I don’t care what it looks like, it’s food.” 

He adds the fur to his bed and sits atop it. He puts the bread to one side and breaks the jerky, taking a smaller piece and putting the rest in his little pile of stocked-up food, saving it for later. Just in case. 

There is a bowl next to him, with water inside that he collects every morning from dew-ridden moss and any clean puddles he can find, and if he has time, he goes to the pond to collect fresh water there. He takes a gulp of it and starts eating. 

Cassian finishes the food far faster than he wants to. His stomach is still making knots, still unfilled, but he pretends not to notice. 

Instead, he shuffles to the side, towards the short wall he made a year ago, the wall of bricks and stone that would probably fall if you kicked it too hard. He finds the little nook in between two rocks, and he pulls out a small black box. 

In the box is a golden necklace with a ruby attached to it. It is probably the only clean thing he has in his possession. He dares not touch the jewel, for fear he might dirty it. 

Cassian holds it close to his chest. 

“Hi mom,” he whispers. 

“I miss you. The other boys will laugh at me if they knew I talked to a necklace, but you’re the only friend I have. It’s cold here, and I’m starving,” he complains. 

“I wish you would find me already. I know they held you back and they took me here, and I know it’s already been a year, but I believe in you. I know you’ll find me, and you’ll give me a warm hug and a kiss. 

“Please find me, please. I miss you so much, mama. I hope you miss me too. They don’t like me here. The boys spit on me and bully me, but I have to endure it, since I need to survive. Endure is a new word I learned today. Devlon told me to endure. Well actually, he told me to endure or else I would get killed.”

Cassian’s eyes are teary. 

“I miss you, mama. I love you.”

Then Cassian closes the box and he goes to sleep.

༺༻

Two weeks pass, and the brutality of true winter sets in. It’s worse than what Cassian imagined.

There are less and less boys he can fight with and take food from. His stockpile of food is down to nearly nothing, and the latest blizzard made it near impossible for him to get out of his tent, which has surprisingly managed to stay up despite the heavy snow. 

Cassian is shivering, and he hasn’t eaten in days, not willing to waste his food.

He doesn’t know if he can make it through winter, especially considering it has only just started. He tries to remember a face. He tries so hard to conjure a face with fiery hazel eyes, long, wavy black hair, and soft lips, but his mother’s face becomes blurrier every day. 

The boy is losing hope. 

༺༻

More days pass, and the boy grows thinner, eyes duller.

The boy lost any semblance of hope. 

He no longer talks to the box. 

༺༻

Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your comments and opinions, they make my day. Also, if you want to be tagged when I write more fanfiction (about Nesta, Cassian, or Nessian), comment in the notes :0 

- Scythe 

[kinkymagnus]

Hi! Love your stories!! <3

I just wanna start with I am not transphobic (I know it sounds cliche...) but I am just curious about fanfic authors who write Magnus as trans.

Most of the time I shy away from trans!Magnus fics because for me its hard to picture it when he is male and when I try to read a fic I will get thrown off once I read sex scenes. I love your stories of sub!Magnus (let's be real there is no other kind <3).

I am always afraid to ask (hence the anon ask) cause most of the time anyone who loves trans!Magnus will get really defensive and start getting really mean when it's a general question or opinion and I just wanted to get your take on it.

hm ok. well. i really don’t love the wording of this question. but i like to try and take questions like this that i think are more borne of ignorance than malice and like, engage with them. i don’t think i’m morally obligated to, though, and people you may have said something like this to and reacted negatively, well, i don’t blame them at all. i’m not exactly feeling sunshine and roses about it, either. 

under the cut bc this is long

first: starting with “i’m not transphobic, but--” isn’t cliche, it’s a sign of someone knowing they’re about to say something transphobic. or trying to excuse themselves and distance themselves from any blame. and so on. it’s not like “oh everyone says that” it’s “i read that and immediately know i’m about to put up with some bullSHIT.” like, the fact you put that little disclaimer there means you KNOW IT NEEDS ONE. 

second: “it is hard to picture if when he is male” hm. ok. so. right here you’re assuming trans men =/= male. magnus having a vagina = not man. that’s very much being transphobic.

but let’s give the benefit of the doubt. let’s say you didn’t mean it like that. you might be confused just because you’re so used to cis male magnus, it feels off when someone suddenly describes something that doesn’t fit what you’re used to. it’s like when i read a fic and it mentions magnus’s dick or whatever, and i’m always surprised, and find it hard to picture, because at this point, i’m so used to trans magnus that way i write it. or it might be even something like... 

ok, here’s a weirdly specific example. i read the alex rider books as a kid, and there’s a character who is described as white and red-headed. in the recent tv adaptation, she’s a black woman with long dark curls. i’ve never been good at imagining characters in my head when its just books, so the imagery i’ve attached to this character is the tv show version of her. so now, if i go back and reread the books or read fanfiction for alex rider, every time they mention her red hair or something that makes it clear she’s not black, i’m a little startled, before i remember, oh yeah, originally, she was a redheaded white chick.

so let’s say that’s more the feeling you’re getting: you’re so used to cis magnus, seeing trans magnus is a little moment of surprise. 

........so what?

your options here are:

don’t read it and be quiet if it bothers you so much

keep reading and deal with the surprise i mean is it really that bad to have a momentary “oh yeah lol” moment? and you might even stop being surprised eventually if you get used to it lmao

i don’t think it’s a big deal to be a bit thrown off when you remember that this person’s version of magnus doesn’t have a dick or whatever. but that’s kind of something to keep to yourself. read it or don’t, but there’s nothing wrong with it. it’s not weird, it doesn’t make magnus less male, and if you don’t like it, don’t read it.  

also, you say “i’m afraid to ask” but come to think of it, you haven’t actually.... asked a question. just “like your fics. im not transphobic BUT... trans magnus is weird because i can forget he’s supposed to be trans until the sex scenes, and then it throws me off because he’s supposed to be Male. it’s weird. i love sub magnus. i’m afraid to ask because trans magnus fans are mean and defensive when you say lightly transphobic things. what’s your take?” 

i mean, is the question the whole “i’m curious about fic authors wrote magnus as trans”? like, what about us? most of us are trans and we love magnus???? idk what you want to know buddy? why people would EVER headcanon magnus as not cis? like, there are lots of reasons for that one being he literally could not possibly be our definition of the western cis male given that he was born like 4+ centuries ago on an entirely different continent . like, really, if you want to know why we headcanon him as trans i’m sure you could read through our blogs and find a bunch of shit 

and anyway it’s like, ok, 1. trans magnus isn’t just about the sex, but that’s a lesser issue.

2. again, no question being asked here beyond a general “what’s your take on this” (this being....”trans magnus weird”? or “trans magnus fic authors...thots?”?)

3. finally to get tho the last part of hmm yikes wording is the “anyone who loves trans!Magnus will get really defensive and start getting really mean”. the word choice here sure does say a lot. 

“defensive” and “mean”. if you’re going up to them and saying “trans magnus confuses me during sex scenes because he’s male!” then yeah, people might get a little upset. and defensive? either a) implies you’re on the offensive, or b) implies they’re like, guilty somehow, they’re being defensive and cagey. 

like, coming out with some casual transphobia or whatever and then playing the victim when people are offended and react....not cool

and just... look. calling someone out for being transphobic isn’t being mean or a bully. and no one’s saying you have to like trans magnus, no one’s holding a gun to your head and making you read our posts and fics. but if you’re going to read our posts and fics, don’t be a dick about it. 

and genuinely, like, i know i’ve focused on the bad here, but like, thank you, i’m glad you like my stories, and hell yeah sub magnus rights. and i don’t think you’re like a bad person or someone trying to be malicious and hateful or something, but like.... my dude PLEASE think about this shit and how you’re wording things like. jesus 

i think the highlights here are 

yes trans man = man

man with vagina = still a man

trans magnus having sex via a cis man’s penis in his vagina = gay sex between two males

people might get defensive or “mean” if you say things to them that are kinda transphobic and that’s understandable. they aren’t aggressors or your enemies for reacting like this.

no one is forcing you to like or read trans magnus content, it’s okay if you don’t, but if so just don’t, you don’t gotta say anything just don’t read it 

there are lots of reasons someone might headcanon magnus as trans 

and headcanoning him as trans isn’t weird, gross, or wrong in any way

honestly headcanoning him as cis makes less sense but that’s another talk

also saying “im not transphobic but--” doesn’t absolve you of any transphobia following it 

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[lostinfantasies38]

2020 - 20 Facts

Tagged by @kittimau and @somniaran  Not gonna lie, some answers I left the same from yours @kittimau

1. Do you make your bed?

Meh, sometimes.  Usually with a grumpy baby in the morning I don’t get to it by mid-afternoon anyway.  And if she’s especially grumpy, I’ll just tuck her into bed with me for a nap, which only messes it up again lol

2. What’s your favorite number?

13 - it’s my lucky number

3. What’s your job?

Stay at home mom.  A recent development, actually.  I left my job as a vet tech/receptionist at a corporate animal clinic after almost 5 years.  It was time for a break - empathy burn out. And staying home saves us the insane cost of daycare with an infant.

4. If you could, would you go back to school?

No.  Been there, done that.  I never completed my BA after nearly 7 years, since I switched my major halfway through and was working full time which prevented me from devoting all the time I would have liked to get through the degree program more quickly.  

5. Can you parallel park?

Yes, but I hate doing it lol!

6. A job you had which would surprise people?

Ummm...years ago I worked for like 3 months at Allstate as a claims adjuster and I hated it

7. Do you think aliens are real?

Yes...and no.  I think what we consider “life” and “intelligent” are very narrow.  Viruses and pathogens are intelligent and constantly evolving to outsmart our own defenses against them.  And I have ex-military family members who are definitely conspiracy theorists...but I don’t know if I buy the version of ET creatures.  If they do exist, they have cooler places to go then here.  

8. Can you drive a manual car?

Funnily, I can only drive standard in a car.  Put me behind the wheel of a manual truck and I’m totally going to kill the engine in traffic - trust me. 

9. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Fanfiction - reading or writing it.  I love to read fluffy, happy fics, but damn if I only know how to write angst! lol

10. Tattoos?

I have three. A Norse rune on my right wrist, Uruz, which translates to “strength and perseverance.” I got it before the semi-colon caught on as a symbol to keep fighting through depression.  I have 9 bats that rise from mid-back and over my right shoulder - no special meaning except I have loved bats since I was a child and they do not get enough love in my opinion.  And a standard red heart with an arrow that I had inked on my left calf a few years ago to commemorate a good friend’s wedding.  It’s my only tattoo with color!

11. Favorite color?

Green, followed by purple. I look good in them as well but mostly wear a lot of greys and black lol. (@kittimau I don’t even see the point in changing this answer since it’s the same as yours! LOL)

12. Things people do that drive you crazy?

Being rude or hateful, argumentative, mean. Bullying, trolling. It hurts me on a deeply personal level even if it is not happening to me directly. I can’t stand seeing others hurt.

Not using blinkers while driving. THEY’RE THERE FOR A REASON.

Snuffing children’s natural curiosity and dreams. They are our future.  Don’t destroy them - we need their imagination and insight to keep us from falling into a pit of apathy.  Stifling creativity is how we guarantee this planet will die before we can rescue it from the damage we caused.

13. Any Phobias?

Arachnophobia (fear of spiders): yes, I know it’s common, but if you grew up with a basement bedroom as a kid in the Midwest you’d be haunted by the massive wolf spiders too!

Sociophobia: mainly the fear of social gatherings, socializing, embarrassment in social situations. (same, girl, same)

Mild agoraphobia (fear of crowds): when I’m deep in a depressive funk,     yes. I have refused to leave my house for days or weeks at a time     when these episodes happen

Atelophobia: fear of not being good enough or doing something incorrectly (fear of imperfection) - this is very evident in my need for validation when it comes to my writing.  I’m sorry, I apologize in advance.

14. Favorite childhood sport?

Ummm, I used to baton twirl but when we left Texas and moved to the Midwest where it wasn’t common, I stopped doing it.  I was more of the band/choir nerd

15. Do you talk to yourself?

YeEEeeeeSSSssss (insert Alistair voice) 

16. What movie do you adore?

Awww, shiiiiit.  Idk, I love Avatar, but I also really love the How to Train Your Dragon series.  Omg, I blubber more than my kids when I watch them!

17. Do you like doing puzzles?

Yes, but I haven’t put one together in years.  Too many small hands and dogs who eat everything to keep small pieces lying around and ruin a work of art

18. Favorite kind of music?

All kinds? Depends on my mood, honestly.

Rock, alternative, experimental, electronica/trance, indie, folk, Celtic, country. Classical (Beethoven and Mozart being my favorite composers). A little of everything except like, death metal or black metal.  ( @kittimau , I swear, you and I are the same person - LMAO!)

19. Tea or coffee?

Both.  Both is good.  Depends on my mood which one I go for, but I do enjoy both hot and iced tea, as well as hot and iced coffee.

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?

Even growing up landlocked, I was dead set on becoming a marine biologist to study rays and sharks for the rest of my life and I probably would have, if I hadn’t learned how hard it is to get grants to be on the ocean researching the things you love.  Most biologists, marine and otherwise, end up teaching and never get the grants they need to actually be in the field.  So damn sad.

[thevagueambition]

Bahorel, Fantine, and Grantaire (of course R is here)

Bahorel: Have you ever been in a fight?

As a child, definitely. My response to being bullied was kicking the person doing the bullying lmao (I was never that badly bullied, but I was an easy target for upperclassmen because I got really angry really easily). 

And as a teenager I felt the need to proof I was tough so I would like bro hit guys in the shoulder without actually getting that you’re not supposed to put much force behind that and anyway I def got into some playfights that ended up closer to actual fights because I was an idiot lmao

Not as an adult, though. I definitely think the last times I was in anything close to a fight was when I was 16 (well, discounting fencing matches, but a formalised match =/= a fight). 

Fantine: What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve made for someone?

I don’t think I’ve ever really sacrificed anything tangible. One time I had work really early in the morning but one of my friends was really upset so I let them come over and talk it out and sleep at my place. But you know, I often went to work on very little sleep back when I had that job. I also once left a lecture to go to the hospital with a friend. Those sorts of things, you know? 

If a friend or my brother or whoever needs me, I’m going to do my best to be there for them. But I haven’t really had to give anything up for anyone thus far.

Grantaire: What is one thing that inspires you?

Fiction, I guess? That’s why fanfiction (and art) is such a thing for me; very often existing fiction gives me countless ideas for other scenarios in that world or with those characters or just in that genre. Like even my original works often have direct reference points from existing works. 

And history inspires me too, of course. I love learning about the type of systems people lived under because then I can imagine interesting people who lived under them. Also, historical clothes is a lot of fun to draw/take inspiration from when drawing fantasy. 

I suppose one of the reasons I’ve always felt like more of a craftsman than a capital-A Artist is because when I feel most inspired, what I’m drawing is characters, not like… complete paintings or illustrations. What I think can inspire me about art is interesting pose or maybe the colour use more so than anything else. I might like certain landscape paintings but they usually don’t inspire me in any real way.

I really like taking walks around the city as well since the simple act of looking at the places around me (particularly all the older buildings along the canals *O*) is inspiring to me. 

I’m known for taking ages in museums because I’m always like “well now that I’m here I’m going to get as much out of this exhibition as is humanly possible” so I’d say museums as well (see “history” and “art” lmao).

So… the world around me in general, I guess, lmao? Nature isn’t generally a big source of inspiration for me aside from the ocean, but that might just be because I’m rarely around much nature aside from it. 

(This answer is worthy of R because it’s the longest and most rambly yes this is the justification I’m using)

[ferretandtheweasel]

Why I ship Draco and Ginny?

Seriously nobody asked for this 😂 tbh this is just my Harry Potter and Drinny journey. Also this is just me posting something to start this blog with. So, here's how everything went down:

So before anything I want y'all to know that I started reading Harry Potter at like 14? 13? (don't remember exactly). I was given the first 3 books as a gift. I was instantly hooked and finished them all pretty quickly. And because I am a slut for grey characters, Draco managed a place in my heart even when I low-key hated him (In the first two books lol). He was interesting to me because I wanted to see where his story would go? On the other hand I already had a soft spot for Ginny since Sorcerer's Stone. I had older cousins who wouldn't include me in their stuff so I found her adorbs and relatable in the first book and my sympathy for her only grew in CoS. Book 5 Ginny though, was my fav Ginny because she really put Harry in his place and hexed Malfoy. She became one of my favourite side-characters along with Luna and Neville.

Despite my love for her, like most people, Ginny ending up as Harry's main love interest definitely surprised me. JKR did a good job of convincing me though. I accepted quite easily that Harry and Ginny were endgame but before embracing Hinny, I was a believer that Rowling would make Ginny Weasley end up with Draco Malloy.

Why?

Some might ask and God, I wish there was some proper logic behind this but for some reason, my 15 year old romantic self was sold on the idea that Ginny and Draco are going to be Romeo and Juliet of the Wizarding world?

No, I don't know why I thought like this 😂😂😂 It just made perfect sense in my head at that time for Drinny to happen, I do laugh now at how cheesy I was as a teenager. I just loved thinking about the wizarding world, imaging about other characters that weren't the trio.

Anyway, so this revelation of Drinny possibly being Romeo-Juliet happened during Order of The Pheonix, Ginny hexes Draco with bat-bogey hex and for some reason I was fixated on that particular interaction in the book. I used to imagine Draco being flustered that little Weasley had hexed him, it just gave me so much thrill thinking how annoyed he would be that a girl got the best of him, I imagined him being turned on while he was mad at her, or that he would eventually get attracted to her while trying to get back at her. I just imagined them having the enemies-to-lovers sort of relationship and it just made sense.

Now let me tell you when I read Harry Potter, I lived in a small town in Pakistan, not only was internet not easily available there, it never occured to me back then to actually search for the Harry potter fandom online the few times i did get a connection, so I had no idea of "shipping" or "OTPs" and I didn't know any spoilers. So yeah I used to create scenarios in my head where Draco and Ginny would meet in the Hogwarts corridors and they would argue and have intense sexual tension, or how Draco would want to take revenge on Ginny for hexing him and it would lead to them to having an angry shouting matches which would lead to make out session etc (Yes, I am aware we call these 'headcanons' but back then I was not familiar with fandom terminology).

Anyhow, I finally get my hands on Half Blood Prince Book and lmao remember the scene where Harry is spying on Draco, and then Blaise (or someone else? Idr correctly) brings up how hot Ginny is, I was losing my shit because I was like, why else would JKR bring this up in front of Draco? I was sure that she was building up a secret romance between Drinny behind the scenes because we see stuff happeing through Harry's eyes. Yes i was connecting dots of my conspiracy theory, or at least wishing that that is what was happening.

So y'all can now probably imagine how freakin' surprised and confused I felt when Harry got jealous over Ginny and Dean in the Astronomy tower? 😂😂😂 Like i did not see Hinny coming, it hit me like a wrecking ball... But ofcourse I accepted Hinny at the time because I also loved how tables had turned and now it was Harry who became obsessed with her, I also loved the whole "But she is Ron's sister, I thought I liked her as a sister, Ron will be so mad".

So anyway I go move on with my life and finish Deathly Hallows but ofc Harry Potter series felt like my childhood ending and I couldn't accept it. In my head, even when I had embraced Hinny, I still felt the love for Drinny and saw their potential, by this time I was finally allowed a phone. (Yeah I got a mobile phone when I was almost 16 😂) and while searching for random hp related stuff online I came across Fanfiction...

I started reading fics because I wanted to know what happened between the time when the war ended and when epilogue happened. I also wanted more answers about all the characters. However, I used to find most stories/character ooc, so I used to leave most fics in the middle and move on, very few fics could satisfy me because few writers nailed JKR's Harry.

Anyhow exploring the world of fanfics to read something that I actually like, that's when I was introduced to the giant that is dramione. Dramione introduced the idea of fanfiction deviating from actual books, so I gave them a try but then there were so many Dramione fics on Fanfiction.net but their fics pretty much very early on put me off of that ship, and then I altogether gave up on it because the disrespect to the Weasleys especially Ron was astounding to me. Also people turned Hermione into a mary-sue character in fics which also put me off. I feel like people dont know how to seperate Emma Watson from Hermione. Anyway that is a rant for another day.... So yeah, It was then when I randomly decided that maybe I should check out if anybody wrote Draco and Ginny fics and it was like magic 😍

ff.net had some great Drinny fics Some of them were post series, some of them during their Hogwarts years. Some were pure fluff others K I L L E D me with angst! I still have issues with fics where in order for Drinny to happen they show how bad/abusive Harry-Ron-Hermione are. I leave them instantly, or fics where Ginny is ashamed of being poor (i feel like she loves her parents and everything they've done for her) or fics where I find them ooc... but over all Drinny is a ship which has given me some great fics and those fics have helped me deal with personal stuff and cheered me up when I was down.

Also reading about them gave me an insight on how healthy a relationship between them can be where they can both provide each other with validation, comfort, love and passion.

Reasons why i think they work:

1) Ginny and Draco are opposites but they compliment each other rather than repel. Eg: Ginny and Draco both belong to ancient pureblood families yet the environment and ideology they grow up with completely opposite, their values are opposite even when their world is the same. That gives a lot of foundation for both of them to learn from each other.

2) Ginny is fierce, talkative /bubbly (Ron mentions how it's strange that she's quiet around harry because usually she won't shut up), stands up for those she feels are being unfairly treated (Luna, Neville), she's quite popular as harry realises in year 6 that she has her own friends, she even gets invited to the "slug club"... I think this works so well with Draco who hides his emotions, is under control of his feelings... He's also somewhat of a bully in early years which just goes so well because can you imagine how explosive their encounters would be in the great hall? Draco saying mean things to Ginny just to wind her up and her reacting and never backing down. I think Ginny is really one of the only ladies who can match him inch by inch and call him out on his bullshit. Maybe wind him enough to lose control even.

3) They both play quidditch, can you imagine the friendly rivalry? That is one thing they can bond over, they can also bond over their ancient families and their respective experience of growing up in wizarding world post voldemort... It can be similar and different. They really have the potential to be attracted like magnets. Sorry dramiones, but the angst and enemies to lovers that Drinny delivers... No other hp ship does it for me.

So yeah guys Drinny is my guilty pleasure and I think Draco and Ginny could have worked out really well as a couple but off course I understand that JRK wasn't writing a romance 😂. There is just so much to explore in their dynamic though and I am glad for all the fanfics and fanarts are out there because they really satisfy my curiosity and love for them.

[llawlietofficial]

my stream of consciousness during death note (2017)

So I finally watched this shit show last night, and kept a running document of every thought I had in order. Here are some of the top ones: (under the cut because....it gets a little long. it’s worth it though!) 

okay so first of all what the fuck is this opening song. 

LOSER LIGHT GETS PAID TO DO PEOPLES HOMEWOEK. 

Wow I wish I was as cool as goth head cheerleader Misa Mia

Ooh look at that chemistry

Light looks like a failed wannabe white guy kpop star

Someone gif those opening "death note" letters please

What's with the fucking illuminati symbols on the book ??

Rain makes everything more symbolic I can't believe the creativity of their choices

Aw he's seeing a girl get bullied OF COURSE that's motivation enough to kill

I can't believe Light is a feminist icon stepping in to save Misa Mia like that.

Oh god his whole speech about “technically you bullying me is child abuse” needs to be a copypasta. Someone needs to slap that kid.

SOMEONE JUST SLAPPED THAT KID.

Why does his voice sound like that

Why does his face look like that

Why does he have frosted tips

I can't believe Light is the loser loner pining after the head cheerleader with a girlfriend.

Light is ?? A troublemaker ???

Why is the death note so crusty looking

Marbles.

LIGHT'S SCREAMS MAKE ME SCREAM I want that as my ringtone

"Shall we begin." Wow I love Star Trek Into Darkness.

"Some 8 foot tall demon looking motherfucker" is honestly the best possible description of Ryuk so at least they got that one right.

RIP Light's first victim, Kenny Doyle. You will be missed. 

This Bitch chooses one of the most violent possible deaths for his first victim ???? But canon light didn't like. Start out wanting to cause his victims physical pain. He's not a sadist he's a moral janitor. 

CANON LIGHT WOULD HAVE THOUGHT CHEATING WAS A BIG DEAL !! HE WOULD HAVE KILLED PEOPLE LIKE HIMSELF !!

Oh my god he's so angsty just get a fucking diary.....wait...

Wow I love blatant exposition dropping. I wonder how many times him and his dad have had that exact same conversation over dinner conveniently explained Light's tragic backstory. 

Because this is America. You can't kill people without a tragic backstory (if you're white)

Is he going to scream like that every time Ryuk shows up?

"Your fingers are huge." Hmm? Why do you care about that, Light? Unless you have something you want to share with the class? 

I can't believe they changed Ryuk's motivation that's like everything about him as a character. He didn’t say he was bored like, a single time in this whole series what’s the point. 

He has a whole file on his tragic backstory that he keeps laying around in his room this is next level bullshit.

JESUS FUCKINF CHRIST LIGHT WHAT HAPPENED TO SIMPLE HEART ATTACKS

He. Impaled himself. On a steak knife.

Light's mom was a hippie !!!!!

I can't believe Light's motivation is "karma's a bitch" what an icon. 

I can't believe Misa Mia’s turned on by murder.

Actually. I can believe that.

Light's just. Carrying around the death note right in the open.

"I can't tell you” *brief pause* “so you really want to know?" BITCH YOU EIDN'T EVEN LET HER ANSWER. SHE SEEMED SO UNINTERESTED ANYWAY. WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS COMPULSIVE NEED TO CONFESS THAT YOU’RE A MURDERER! 

LIght wants pussy that bad.

"Your poetry sucks" okay I actually kind of like that line, Misa Mia’s a snarky bitch like she deserves to be. 

She looks bored. Light she doesn't want part of your murder fest !! you don't have to confess so often !! 

as soon as the police swat car hit that guy my friend turned to me and said "when you're a police officer but still text and drive"

Ooh blurry lights that's an edgy cinnamon topography choice.

I don’t like how everyone in this movie is all mumbling.

How many people are going to make mood boards out of the scene where Light and Misa Mia are leaning against that neon sign???

"Do you think I'm crazy?" "If anything I think you're not crazy enough" wow I love the joker and harley quinn!! normal is just a setting on the dryer~~~ rawr

TEHY'RE POST MURDER FUCKING

I said out loud "I can't believe they're going to post murder fuck" and my friend said "But you'd think that was kinky in high school" and i said "hell I think that's kinky now" why am i like this

I can't believe this whole murder fuck montage. They're so cute and in love. My friend just said “relationship goals” and i want to turn off this movie.

Is that Beastly in their school library????

"What they want is a god." 

Okay actually I can see Light getting off on talking about he's a god while fucking. I've read enough fanfiction to prepare me for that scene.

Why does he look like that??

I just love that "Kira saves" graffiti

Why did Kira kill 11 people in a nightclub what did they do ? so serial cheating for money is okay but getting drunk and having sex isn’t?? alright Light. 

L looks like a serial killer with the mask and the hoodie and the dead bodies and I’m.......not loving the look

WATARI ISN'T EVEN JAPANESE. THAT'S NOT EVEN HIS NAME. WHY IS THE ONLY JAPANESE ACTOR THE ONLY CHARACTER CANONICALLY NOT JAPANESE. 

I appreciate his continued sweets addiction though. He is. The only good thing in this movie.

Is he singing wizard of oz what the fu k is happening in this movie

Why do they all talk so quiet

the most inaccurate thing that’s happened so far is actually L taking a nap

Could Light act....a little LESS blatantly on Kira's side????

Detective James Turner.

Honestly this movie is just......boring.

I feel like the voices are at a much lower volume than the music and it’s just...bad

How does he know Kira's in Seattle ??? Is this explained or did I just miss it ???

"What would you do if some guy fucked me?" "I’d kill him." Wow I love this scene in Baby Driver.

I want that furniture. 

Oh I get it. His voice is muffled because of that fucking face mask. 

"Rest your glutes" 

All the things they could have kept and they kept L and Watari giving Light's dad ice cream?

Okay we see Light and Misa at school all the time, but are they ever ??? In class ??

OF COURSE L IMMEDIATELY GOES ON NATIONAL TV

L in a big black hoodie with the big American flag waving in the background is exactly what I expected out of this adaptation.

Light telling Ryuk to shut the fuck up is something I imagined hundreds of times in the anime but never thought I would be lucky enough to see on screen. 

"Besides I think you can tell when you're sitting across from a killer like Kira." HAHAHAHAHA WOW I LOVE THIS DRAMATIC IRONY !!

Light is smart. We know this because we keep saying how smart he is. It doesn’t matter that he’s not making any smart decisions. We said he’s smart so he is. 

I can't believe it's dark outside and they're both wearing sunglasses. You know who wears sunglasses indoors? Douche bags. And blind people.

Ooh Misa Mia doesn't want to pop popcorn and murder a few people there's gotta be trouble in Hollywood romance paradise

I hate the music choices in this movie. a lot. 

"There are no sides. Only the game.” what. 

I can believe Misa Mia’s casually watching torture porn on tv

WHY IS LIGHT'S DAD BASICALLY COMMITTING SUICIDE BY ANNOUNCINF HIS NAME AND HAVINF A PRESS CONFERENCE AND WHY DOES HIS VOICE SOUND LIKE THAT. there's a difference between not being afraid and being a fucking idiot !!! 

I can't believe Light just admitted to not being the good guys anymore.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MISA MIA IS LIGHT ???

Light needs to put his dick away. He really needs to put his dick away.

The cafe scene is really aesthetically pleasing and I hate it. 

"I don't do check, Light, only checkmate" FUUUUCK. 

IS THIS HOe FUXKING ADMITTING ?? THIS DUMB HOE IS ADMITTING TO BEING A SERIAL MURDERER AND ASKING L TO JOIN HIM THIS IS. A SHITTY FANFICTION. WHY IS HE SO DUMB. WHY DOES HE CONFESS TO WVERYONE HE TALKS TO.

Is Light going to get back with her just because she said I love you  ?? LIGHT SHE TRIED TO KILL UR DAD respect yourself !! 

Watari isn't his real name ????  Also what's the point leaving him alive? Free ice cream? Jesus light.

Why do they say Kira with the accent if it's not Japanese ?

L is.....coming slightly unhinged.....he seems.... to have a lot more anger issues that he needs to work through.

LIGHT IN A TOP HAT. I can't believe they're going to this dance. 

I just said "At a certain point it's not even entertaining anymore. It's just pathetic." and my friend, who is now drunk, said "I'm still pretty entertained but maybe it's because I'm drunk."

I can't believe L grew up in that creepy ass murder shack. 

Actually. I can believe L grew up in that creepy ass murder shack. Also I saw the illuminati symbol like five times in that house so what's the truth????

HE DOES HAVE A NORMAL PEOPLE SCARE ME STICKER IN HIS LOCKER I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN EDIT.

Lmao I can't believe Misa Mia was the real mastermind the whole time. "You don't get to feel morally superior for being a pussy." OH SHIT. Oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead.

also L needs to calm the fuck down. Do they not teach you how to drive in the orphanage?

I don't know just what happened with that store owner attacking the armed black man assaulting the teenager in an alley way but it felt racist.

Light is desperate and pathetic. Has he made....a single smart decision?

"JESUS TAKE THE FERRIS WHEEL!!! TAKE IT FROM MY HAND !!!"

Chicago's I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love? Are you fucking kidding me?

At least Misa Mia died how she lived. Aesthetically pleasing. 

What the fuck is even happening in this movie. HE CONFESSED TO HIS DAD TOO. 

"I thought I was going to kill all the bad guys and re good guys would win but it wasn't like that" OH LOOK !! CONVENIENTLY A MORAL !!

and in the end, the white loner character who develops a god complex and goes on a murderous rampage killing hundreds of people and declaring himself god.....gets away with it......but at least he learned a valuable lesson about the nature of good and evil !!!! 

anyway those are my thoughts I hope you liked them !!

[professor-abeloved]

ZOINKS for the ask meme

ty mon cher amie~

ask me: FANDOM EDITION

under the cut because i ended up rambling a lot

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go

um fan related like… a fan theory? cuz ok. ok. i got this, i love theories.  i know it’s a popular theory that maxwell and/or bertrand are involved with the traitor thing and!! as much as i don’t want to believe it… i honestly think the idea has merit (and angst. let us think of the glorious angst.)

like shit i’ve been replaying trr and wtf i’ve just had these doubts in my mind like. why is drake implying that maxwell’s sketchy in chapter 2. why is maxwell so nice to mc even?? is he really that friendly? Is he just desperate? is it an act that became real??? WE BARELY TALKED IN THE INTRO CHAPTER WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY BRINGING ME TO YOUR PARADISE OF A COUNTRY, BOY

(Idek what i’m saying anymore my brain left the building sometime between 10 am and 1 pm)

O - Choose a song at random, which OTP does it remind you of

what’s it gonna by shura. hmm. i initially associated this song with a ship from another fandom, aka mc/black magic from the heroes rise trilogy, but… maaaybe mc/maxwell?

because the whole “I’m on my own/You’re at the beach/Hundreds of miles away” line reminds me of that scene in the beach party where maxwell’s off on his own while mc swims with hana and drake. (let’s say that the “hundreds of miles” are a metaphorical distance ok) 

and the whole song has this whole… ambivalent, torpe kind of longing? where the singer has feelings for someone, but they don’t want to admit their feelings. it’s like they really want to be with this person, but they expect their crush to turn them down (”if you let me down, let me down slow”)

from there it’s easy to imagine maxwell having a crush on mc and not confessing because of the whole ‘sponsoring her’ thing + i believe he’s insecure and doesn’t think mc will actually reciprocate his feelings and/or choose him over liam and/or the other LIs

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

lmao the l.ord of the flies fandom. i got into an argument about how people were portraying this one character as snow white (even though canon has stated his skin to be “swarthy” or dark skinned) because of a popular artist’s depiction of him. and this artist had done that, saying it’s to “differentiate said character from the other small dark skinned boy” which in itself is racist because it’s assuming that all poc look alike

and long story short, the person i was arguing with started spreading shit in the main tags which got everyone’s attention; the fandom was divided about it since they stuck with the white-washed version of the character for so long. and then anons started bullying RPers who chose white face claims… my friends in the fandom were very divided on it, and i just left cuz it was getting toxic so yeah.

N - Your favorite fanfiction or fan author

…lol it’s also you HAHAHA it’s always such a boon to read about your ocs and their antics i love them i love the way you write it’s so poetic and beautiful without becoming purple prose

K - How do you feel about the other people in your current fandom

i love you guys! i admire your creativity and talent and y’all are so interesting!! and i wish i could talk to you more without being so awkward AHHA i’m sorrrrry

S - Show us an example of your personal head canon

maxwell is pansexual, though he rarely has (romantic) crushes that last past a few days. 

[bywordofaphrodite]

Book Reviews 9&10: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by J.K Rowling & Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

This review’s theme is *drum roll* books I was banned from as a child! Audience age: age 9 and up for reading level… as for content, that will vary between parents !

So to shake things up for my final reviews, rather than reviewing books I grew up with, I am discussing two books that were banned in my household, my church and my school. Triple threat! Good for them. To be transparent, I have not read Harry Potter before at all. I even bought one of the books a couple of years ago and still haven’t made it round to reading yet. However, I have seen all the movies and I love them very much. More than that, I’ve always loved the lore surrounding the series; I think fans have made the legacy more interesting than the movies in adapting the lore to different fanfictions, which I’m sure some people will agree with and others will not. With many people I meet around my age, it is fairly common for me to be asked what my Hogwarts house is (Slytherin, in case you’re curious), and even people I wouldn’t expect to be all that interested will know their house.

As for Twilight, I actually did read these in year 9 in school, and I snuck the movies into my house too (I still have PTSD from my mother bursting into my room and catching me- don’t worry she’s not a crazy religious person anymore. She even watched Twilight for the first time in last year’s lockdown lmao). My friendship groups reference Twilight memes multiple times a day and I even gifted my best friend a poorly printed ‘BWTHHYBL’ (‘Bella where the hell have you been loca?’- God, Jacob, why did you say this) on a piece of paper and stuffed it into a small frame for her birthday present a few weeks ago… which she keeps beside her desk, just as I intended… so I think it’s safe to say that Twilight has not exactly faded into the background of pop culture just yet, even though the hype surrounding the series began well over ten years ago.

Nostalgic review

Rating: ★★★ (for Twilight only)

Book wise, I can’t actually write my old opinions of Harry Potter because I grew up in a weirdo Catholic cult that quite seriously believed J.K Rowling’s works to be articulated by the devil’s own hand (I’m sure Rowling is involved with the devil for other reasons, but that would be due to her obsessive transphobia not her writing). Using my imagination and hypothesising a little here, I’m going to assume that had I been allowed to read the books I would have loved them. Magic books and boarding school stories were a great love of mine, after all.

Now, for Twilight. I read this series just once, about nine years ago, and while I recall thinking that Meyer was not a very good writer I do know I was hooked on the storyline. I don’t know what she laced that series with but it was addictive for no good reason, especially given how many weird racial stereotypes were in there, in addition to her Mormon ideals that permeate Bella’s every move. Whatever it is, I know I ate it all up even with the awareness that it was not good (no, I don’t mean morally due to religion, I just mean it was compelling garbage).

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone Review

Post-read: ★★★★

Synopsis: On his 11th birthday, Harry Potter discovers that he is the orphaned son of two powerful wizards and the survivor of an attack by the evil, most powerful wizard to have ever lived, Voldemort. He is whisked away to the wizards’ school Hogwarts, where he studies and hones his powers, and eventually comes face-to-face with the enemy everyone believed to be dead.

I’ve seen plenty of criticism of Rowling’s writing problems, many of which I absolutely agree with. The writing is not the best, and this article actually dissects Rowling’s patterns and explains how she fails as a writer. Despite this, for the first book of a series that many young children read, I don’t think it is all that bad. My younger siblings struggle to read well, but I’ve begun reading this book to them for bedtime and they say it’s ‘good for learning’, so that’s something I’ve taken into consideration while thinking over this.

In terms of setting and place, Rowling did a good job of transporting me to the various locations in the novel. Part of the charm of Hogwarts is experiencing the rainy weather, the crackle of the fireplaces and the eeriness of sneaking about a giant castle in the dead of night just like the characters. It felt very vivid to me, and while that may be in part due to my having the film scenes to envision while reading, I believe Rowling did well. Harry’s first encounter with the Weasley family and the house-sorting scenes are enjoyable and lovely beginnings to Harry’s found family after a dreadful upbringing in the Dursley home.

Harry Potter is a very clear example of the Hero’s Journey literary route, which makes the storyline very easy to follow; the heroes and villains are very distinct, there are clear goals, and the main characters have genuine and natural character development as the story goes on. The adventures to the Forbidden Forest and other off-limits areas of Hogwarts are all the right amount of engaging and spooky. The opening chapter does have me on the fence still in regards to its length and basis for introduction. Upon first reading it, I found it a bit strange that it’s written from the Dursleys’ point of view, as this awful couple may have adopted Harry, but they are simply not the Main Characters. The conversation between Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall goes on for a longer time than I would think necessary. A brief analysis of this scene is actually available on the Pottermore website, and it explains some of the clever details written in. Regardless, the film’s choice to shift the immediate focus to Harry was a better choice in my opinion.

Something that became a source of amusement to me while reading was the obvious hate every house has for Slytherin, and I know that’s because they contain most of the ‘bad’ characters, but having read so much fanfiction from other fandoms just using the house characteristics and lore meant I’d never read so much consistent Slytherin-hate before. ‘Stinking Slytherin’ Harry says- well, he’ll be maddened to know half the internet bases half their personalities around being Slytherin. Yes, this is a call out, for myself included.

Characters who aged well: good or bad, the characters in Harry Potter are entertaining, even as an adult, the children’s antics and developing friendships are entertaining and heart-warming as they become closer. Voldemort is a solid villain, and the Dursleys and Malfoys are well-written antagonists; children tend to adopt their parents’ values for better or worse, and Draco and Dudley are perfect examples of the way young people turn out when raised within a vicious cycle.

Characters who aged badly: Severus Snape with his weird grudge against Harry. I don’t care about your history with his parents, Harry is a child, and you are an adult school teacher. Get a grip, sir.

It would be remiss for me to ignore the strong controversy surrounding J.K Rowling herself, though it isn’t the focus of this review. Strongly criticised for lack of representation for both POC and LGBT+ readers, Rowling has constantly made alterations in recent years, claiming certain characters to be something they were never written to be; most notably, Albus Dumbledore being announced as gay but with no scene in the books nor the films alluding to it. I would also add in that while Hermione’s character is great for exploring an ‘outsider’s’ perspective (the daughter of two muggles in the wizarding world), she also does take the role of the ‘bossy girl’ in a male-dominated book series. I’ll link an article here that discusses some of the gender roles, sexism and other concerns across the series.

Favourite scene/quote: “‘There are all kinds of courage,’ said Dumbledore, smiling. ‘It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends’.”

A wonderful piece of advice for young kids! It’s something a lot of people don’t learn until they’re older- how important it is to stand your ground no matter who you’re up against, and that sometimes the people you like and admire aren’t always in the right.

As for my favourite scene, that would have to be when Neville stands up to Draco! Harry tells Neville he is ‘worth twelve of Malfoy’, and Neville, red-faced and timid, stammers the words back to Draco later. Neville is my favourite character (he’s just so cute I love him) and I was so proud when he joined Ron to fight against the Slytherin bullies.

Twilight Review

Post-read: ★★

Synopsis: awkward teenager Bella Swan moves to the tiny town of Forks where she meets mysterious classmate Edward from the strange Cullen family and becomes determined to find out more about them.

Re-reading Twilight I was made aware of two things. First, that the writing is just as bad as I remembered it to be, and second, that despite knowing how ridiculous it is, I still love it.

I was still invested in what happens. The romance, the drama, the detective work leading up to Bella’s confirmation of supernatural existence- all of it. As this article acknowledges, much of the appeal of Twilight is its bad writing: the sentence structure is basic and easy to binge-read, making it perfect material for a young audience to enjoy, especially for kids who might not normally pick up a book in the first place. There is also not much to worry about in terms of applying solid concentration, because many scenes border on being simply filler content.

For all of its ease, I still found myself plagued by its many problems the entire read, so at best I would rate it two and a half stars. Sorry, Meyer.

Something I thought about more extensively while reading was that Meyer essentially took away any real ‘flaws’ of vampirism with her reworking their existence. Vampires are evil and eat humans? Solved! The ‘good’ vampires are ‘vegetarian’, eating only animals. Vampires can’t go in the sun or they’ll burn alive? Sort of solved? They won’t die a terrible death, but *shock horror* they will sparkle. Bella describes Edward’s skin to be like ‘thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface’. So, the stakes are what, exactly? The vampires are beautiful, never age and don’t even eat humans. If anything it’s comedic that the Cullens don’t show up to school on sunny days, lest they… sparkle. Honestly, I don’t hate the concept, really, but Edward’s constant referral to himself as a ‘monster’ doesn’t really make sense with the knowledge that the Cullens are extremely tame… after all, humans hunt and eat animals too.

The final chapter and epilogue tie everything quite neatly together, and if Meyer hadn’t continued writing the novel could easily be left at book one. Bella informs her mother she wants to stay in Forks with her father, and Jacob Black the werewolf comes to the high school dance to tell Bella that the Quileute tribe will be ‘watching’ her and Edward, still distrustful of the Cullens (even though the Cullens have done literally nothing, but whatever, that’s over dramatic territorial werewolf-vampire drama, I guess). It ends with Bella still pestering Edward to turn her into a vampire, and him declining. I suppose that’s enough of a cliff-hanger to warrant a sequel?

Characters who aged well: Did any of them, really? To be nit-picky, it could be argued that all of them have one too many problematic roots to age well. I’m going to add in Carlisle and Esme, though, because I can’t find fault any serious fault with them. I’m also going to add in Bella’s father, who despite being criticised very constantly for not keeping an eye on Bella, did a decent job. After all, Charlie had no way to know anything about the supernatural world that turned Bella’s life upside down, and I don’t think he can be blamed for that.

Characters who aged badly: well. Um. A massive part of Twilight’s criticism is Bella’s one dimensional character. I’ve always been on the fence about it, because sometimes people just really are quite bland, and she is a depressed teen so I usually cut her some slack on that count. My real issue is Meyer’s intention for Bella to be a Mary Sue rather than a substantial character: while she can be headstrong and humorous in passing, she does not have any real opinions, thoughts or motivations that aren’t related to Edward or the Cullens to the point that she has no initiative to exist outside of being with him. This also makes her selfish in her lack of care for her father; I understand not caring too much about the kids you have to attend school with- not many choices in a small town- but the way Bella shuts her dad out is just too much. As for Edward, why does he like Bella, really? I understand the intrigue of not being able to read her thoughts, but beyond that there’s really not much going on. I think they actually do have some good banter between them and parts of the relationship are very fun, but if you took away the vampire aspect, none of it makes much sense (*spoiler* like, say, Bella’s sudden marriage to Edward in Breaking Dawn immediately after high school graduation would be just as weird to us if they were only human as it is to the townsfolk in Forks).

Both the novel itself, the film and Edward’s character- and many of the male characters in the series- normalise a lot of misogyny, gender roles and sexism (please refer to the links for further information). Edward’s misogynistic tendencies- rushing in without asking Bella’s consent to ‘protect her’- are portrayed as desirable, and Bella is flattered by it. Every girl in the books- human, vampire or werewolf- is described unimpressively, always some form of shallow and petty compared to every male character having a distinct personality. Rosalie had so much promise for a strong female character, with her university degrees and interest in mechanics, not to mention her revenge on her rapists, but it all becomes lost in her overwhelming dislike of Bella (which worsens with the realisation that Rosalie sees herself as a ‘monster’ because she can’t have children, and she hates Bella for being a ‘real’ woman).

I’m going to link one article here about racism entrenched within the Twilight series. The writer discusses the racial bias within the Twilight saga, and while it is primarily geared towards the movies, the points made also reflect the characters in the books. Concerning the lack of diversity in the series, Stephanie Meyer is quoted saying she ‘wrote that they [the Cullens] had this pale glistening skin!’; she refused to allow Twilight director Catherine Hardwick to change any Cullens to people of colour, wanting the actors to resemble the white friends and family she had in mind writing the books. Hardwicke herself had hoped for Alice to be of Japanese descent, but that her ideas were thwarted as Meyer ‘just could not accept the Cullens to be more diverse’. While Meyer allowed some of Bella’s school mates to be POC, it is concerning that the most prominent character she accepted being non-white was the antagonist vampire Laurent, who was played by a black actor. Along with all the ‘good’ characters being white, there is also the issue of Jasper’s backstory as a proud Confederate soldier- which Meyer seems to portray with a strange reverence.

I’m also going to link a Reddit thread here where people offer their different opinions on whether the novels, movies or Stephanie Meyer herself are racist or at the very least, very ignorant. The werewolves of the series are not as present in the first book/movie, but the legends of the Quileute tribes are referenced- and changed- according to how Meyer wanted to use them in her story. To summarise, many readers believe Meyer’s use of descriptors such as ‘dogs’ or ‘mongrels’ toward the werewolves (the Native American Quileute tribe) are racist. This is due to the Cullens (the good, all-white vampire clan) being the ones to refer to the Quileute people in such a way; furthermore, they are the only non-white people in the books, making Meyer’s decision to liken only POC to animals more questionable; others argue that the ‘dog’ term is only because they are effectively intended to be giant dogs.

Favourite scene/quote: “‘You said last night that you weren’t interested in any of the boys in town.’ But he picked up his fork again, so I could see the worst was over.

‘Well, Edward doesn’t live in town, Dad.’

He gave me a disparaging look as he chewed.’”

Charlie just doing his best while Bella always remains a few steps ahead of him is one dynamic Meyer wrote decently (probably because it was all in aid of Bella’s only motivation in life: being with Edward).

The chapter ‘The Game’ holds my favourite scene from the novel, aka the iconic baseball game regarded as the film’s best scene. It’s a fun moment where Bella watches the Cullens play baseball as a storm rises, requiring the thunder to mask the loudness of their hits. Unlike the film, the novel is able to explain the dynamics between the Cullens and how their powers work, specifically detailing the communication between Edward’s mind-reading and Alice’s ability to see the future.

Overall verdict:

Owing to the stark popularity of the books I’ve discussed here compared to my past choices, there was a lot more material and controversy to discuss for this review.

I found both books to provide a solid feeling of time and place. I love stories shrouded in rain and dark forests and both series are set firmly in just that. Like I mentioned earlier, I have issues with both authors’ writing, though I still feel that it is more acceptable in Harry Potter than Twilight. Interestingly, there is no character in either novel that I really see myself in, which is rare; I like plenty of them, I just don’t relate to anyone in full.

With author Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon beliefs and personal morals obviously creating these characters, it isn’t exactly an easy case of separating art from artist. Twilight is an entertaining read for all its flaws and its too far gone to ‘cancel’ now- although I suppose it has probably been cancelled numerous times anyway?- but it isn’t too late for readers to educate themselves on its problems to prevent Meyer-level ignorance where possible. Harry Potter, on the other hand, doesn’t have the same ties to the writer that Twilight does. Most of Rowling’s problematic behaviour came well after the books were written, but I’ll link one article here that discusses how some transgender fans have responded to Rowling’s actions. For some people, the controversy has affected their abilities to love the franchise anymore; others have chosen to separate the content from author, akin to many Twilight fans.

Personally, if religion hadn’t interfered with my ability to read Harry Potter as a child, I maintain that I would have loved it, especially as I enjoy the films now. Just as with Twilight, I typically find it easy to enjoy stories while understanding their flaws. There is a keen amount of nostalgia surrounding both these franchises and likely always will be, but there are newer stories with real representation being released all the time, and the ideal outcome for me would be working towards popularising these series over wasting our time arguing over already-published novels!