#im... also tired as hell. of course the second i shouldnt sleep i want to

[sorrowsaint]

i think you can summon those. theyre common in the mountains of chaos so (well around the base)

Oh everything hurts…

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[v-lk]

a letter for my mom, and dad.

dear mom n dad.

im sorry im a bad kid. like, probably tho im the failure kid. i assure u guys didnt do anything wrong tho. like u guys are great so great.i look up to you guys even until now. 

i know we’re not a perfect family, never has been. 

and im not a good child, idk if i ever was tho, seeming i bullshit a lot my whole life up til now, im in uni and im almost 19. i didnt say thank u all that much, and i havent been all that grateful. i dont call u guys all that much now, arent i. it’s not like i dont wanna, and i kinda forget at times. i mean, im too scared to call u guys and tell me my day, just for u guys to know i failed a lot of my tests. i swear i studied, but i think it’s not enough. i sleep a lot, it’s my mistake really, not being able to just stay woke all the time and keep watching youtube videos bc im not in the mood for anything.

i barely even have friends, and even those existed, i dont even hang out with them. i dont socialise much and i didnt go to work. i use your money for useless shit and grab a lot of food. i shouldnt do that. i should use your money wisely. i mean i know you want me to be successful so that i dont mess up my future and all, but it doesnt seem to be working out, and plus, i had to do this shit, bc i dont have anything else to do. and nothing strikes my interest. 

this is like the only possible option but it doesnt work out as well as you’d expect. im sorry for that.

i mean, you’d expect to pursue other things, like calligraphy, painting and idk other stuff. but i barely have interest in them. im mostly demotivated to do anything at all except sleeping it seems. and even tho u guys encourage me to do creative writing, and even tho i do write sometimes, it’s never going to be good enough. like. idk, look at me, no one cares about me, like you guys do. there’s no defect in that, but probably doing my best is another shitty option. bc everytime i did, i flunked out badly than anticipated.

but it’s not like i do drugs or smokin right. i mean, that’d be a lot waste of your money, i dont want that. 

sorry mom, sorry dad. for wanting to die so much when one of your children has already died. it’d be terrible if your second child died, and at that, from suicide. that’s pretty bad and i dont want you guys to see me end up in hell for eternity. 

you’d be weirded out though, because like, you guys knew i took this course as my first choice, and be questioning why the hell im the worst despite wanting to take up the course in the first place. 

idk why also. or maybe i do. idk either. like my classmates are all in front of me and im just descending further into failure.

i guess every family need a failed child. so the others wont mess up as i would. i can pretty much do that and get roasted every day. i dont mind if that’s the least i can do. 

well, now. it’s 15 march, and tomorrow is sis’ grand birthday. shes your proud child, she’s intelligent and she has best friends around her, it’s like,, her life is pretty much perfect, despite all the flaws. oh, she even cooks sometimes, probably if you guys are sick, she’ll brew some meds for you guys.

to be honest though, i dont know if i am capable of socialising anymore than this. i chicken out to even meet people, how am i going to work. i cant even work before getting a near panic attack. 

idk, i guess i am full of sorriness and thankfulness of not getting disowned yet for embarrassing you guys in front of other relatives. 

idk. i just gon say im sorry and thank you.

i promise you i’ll hang on and trying to- well, not destroying myself even further i guess. but im so tired. i dont even want to say goodbye.

i just wanna do that obliviate shit and disappear from existence.

[transient-tutor]

RILEY: -it's been a long night of mixed emotions and very little sleep, a long night of staring at her oldest in comatose, a long night of thinking and overthinking and not so much talking. it's afternoon now, and both she and Derek have to go back to the room for something, anything that's a taste of a routine life outside of all this tragedy and loss. Riley walks ahead first and looks around blankly before just sitting on the bed to just lie down and face the wall.-

DEREK: -he follows her into the room, just ghosting along in step with some semblance of familiarity. there's always something to do around here if he just looks for it. maybe rearrange his things. he's always making a mess of the room anyway and though he doesn't usually care and prefers it that way, right now he only feels offended by the mess.- 

DEREK: -while riley lies down unmoving, he can't stop moving. he gathers up puppets and puts them up on a shelf... rearranges them a few times before suddenly shoving them and EVERYTHING ELSE off the surface with a loud clatter.-

RILEY: -rolls back around at the loud sudden sound and sighs seeing how intentional it was. he's tense, but so is she.- is that really fucking necessary?

DEREK: Fuck! -and cue the pacing. it's unclear if he was swearing at her, or just in general. there's a good chance he didn't even hear her.-

RILEY: -she watches him pace and pushes herself up so she's sitting again- yeah. same.

RILEY: glad we can talk.

DEREK: -that seems to have gotten his attention now and he spins to look at her.- What are we gonna talk about Riley huh? 

DEREK: You just wanna get on me then go ahead and say somethin. 

DEREK: Tell me how Im supposed to be feelin right now!

RILEY: -she feels herself growing angrier with the way he's speaking to her (as if she isn't doing the same) and narrows her eyes at him- you don't have to wreck the room and yell about it because that's gonna do a whole lot of fuck all. 

RILEY: he's my son too.

DEREK: Yeah? And what good is lyin around gonna do either? 

DEREK: You aint said a damn thing to me until now and you werent gonna. Only shit you got to say is what I should and shouldnt be doing. 

DEREK: Fuck. 

DEREK: Dont pretend you got some high ground over me just because Im angry and you dont wanna deal with it.

RILEY: -she stares at him, mouth slightly agape in an offended kind of disgust- i said nothing about being better than you so you're making that shit up. 

RILEY: how am i gonna deal with it, derek? knock shit over? YELL ABOUT IT? -swipes a lamp off the nightstand and onto the floor- MY SON IS IN A COMA AND MIGHT NEVER WAKE UP! 

RILEY: -kicks the same nightstand and a picture frame falls off- i feel great now!

DEREK: Dont fucking mock me! 

DEREK: -he just turns away and goes back to pacing. he knows he's being irrational, but he can't stop. it all hurts too much, it's too scary. it's all going back to the way it was. would anything ever really change?- 

DEREK: -once he's gotten some distance from her, he aims more of this pent up anger at the wall with his fist. and again and again until his knuckles bleed.- 

DEREK: WHY IS IT ALWAYS THEM? 

DEREK: THEY DONT FUCKING DESERVE THIS! 

DEREK: AND THERES NOTHING I CAN FUCKING DO! THERES NEVER BEEN A GODDAMN THING I COULD DO!

RILEY: -she doesn't even realize that she's crying until she tastes the salt, her gaze pinned on him. This is all so scary, so familiar, and her adrenaline is so far up she feels like she could destroy everything around her in one go. but it still stings painfully to watch him keep hurting himself like that. her voice cracks slightly- DEREK, STOP!

DEREK: -the sound of desperation in his voice is enough to rip him back to reality. it only takes that moment for the pain to register, in his hand and in his heart, and just as fast the tears are starting to roll down his cheeks as well. he looks down at the blood smeared over tattered skin, unable to think or act at all. he can only feel. and it's awful.-

RILEY: -she's silent at first aside from her own sniffling, and it reminds her of years and years ago when they lost Dirk the first time and she'd do nothing but watch him like this. Times where she needed to step up even if it felt like the hardest thing she could ever do.- baby, come here. -she says it quietly, but loud enough for him to hear accompanied by restrained sobs-

DEREK: -he feels a similar apprehension, but he's afraid of hurting her. he knows what he's capable of doing and saying. he's already done enough damage here. still, even with all the fear and doubts running through his mind, more than anything he just wants her support and to be with her. he wipes away tears with his good hand before he turns towards her again, sluggishly dragging himself to her side, weighed down by exhaustion and guilt.-

RILEY: -she holds out her hand as she's sitting: a peace offering, in a method that doesn't beg him to depend on her but instead invites him to join her. she knows her pain is too fresh to soothe his alone but she knows that carrying it together is what they need to do- i'm sorry i'm... 

RILEY: i'm sorry i'm being a bitch. 

RILEY: and for just... -let's out an unamused laugh- doing what i always did. 

RILEY: hid in bed instead of-- -she has to gather herself for a moment- talking to you.

DEREK: -places his hand in hers gently, taking the invitation easily.- I wasnt bein fair. 

DEREK: Im sorry. 

DEREK: And Im sorry if I scared you. 

DEREK: -sniffs, squeezing her hand gently.- I dont wanna be like that.

RILEY: -squeezes his hand back tightly- the only thing that scared me was how easy it was for us to go down that road again. -she brings his bloody knuckles up to her face so she can kiss them, just barely- i really fucking need you, you know? even when i try to act like i don't.

DEREK: -swallows back the lump in his throat as he watches her.- ... I need you too. -it gets a little easier every time he says it. and it gets a little easier to accept, too.- 

DEREK: I think I... 

DEREK: Need you more now than I ever did. 

DEREK: Probably goes both ways huh?

RILEY: nope. you're on your own there.

DEREK: ... Shut the fuck up. -wheeze.-

RILEY: -she smiles just a little despite all the tears- don't think i could do life without you anymore if i had to.

DEREK: -scoffs a little too when she laughs, raising her hands now to kiss them himself.- Same here. 

DEREK: I dont want to.

RILEY: -leans in to kiss him briefly- i...want to try something.

DEREK: -blinks, looking down at her curiously.- Alright. Whats that?

RILEY: -leans over to get onto her feet so she can make her way over to a cabinet where she hoarded a lot of ceramic cafeteria plates...for snacking, of course.- i just wondered if you had a point. -puts a stack of them on top of their dresser before taking one and throwing it at the opposite wall until it shatters into pieces-

DEREK: -he's a little startled by her suddenly causing a ruckus like this.- Shit-- -but then he laughs.- 

DEREK: Youre crazy. 

DEREK: Howd it feel though?

RILEY: -looks over at him- kind of...nice.

DEREK: -smirks and grabs himself a plate too before chucking it at the wall.- 

DEREK: Feels good to let all that shit out doesnt it?

RILEY: -watches it smash and it feels like a breath of fresh air. she grabs another and throws it as hard as she can- take that, universe. fuck you!

DEREK: -laughs at that.- Yeah baby. Show em whos the fucking boss.

RILEY: -and again- SUCK MY DICK!

DEREK: -snrk- Wonder whos gonna clean all this up. -chucks another even as he says this.-

RILEY: sure as hell ain't me. -just one more before she sighs loudly and plops back down on the bed- or you either. there's gotta be some kind of ceramic vaccuum.

DEREK: -takes a seat with her and then uses this opportunity to start cleaning and bandaging his hand finally.- Bet we can get one of those service drones to deal with it.

RILEY: -butts in to help him with that process- yep. cuz it sure as hell ain't us.

DEREK: -kinda lets her take over just so he can watch her and leans in to kiss her on the head.-

RILEY: -closes her eyes just for a second, truly appreciating the feeling of his lips on her head. she pauses for a moment before taking his uninjured hand and placing it on her stomach- 

RILEY: can you feel that?

DEREK: -looks down at her belly, paying close attention for any movement.- She gettin rowdy again?

RILEY: -she's definitely wiggling around in there- i think she has the hiccups. also doing somersaults or some shit i don't know. give it a sec.

DEREK: -snickers- Maybe shes throwing a tantrum cuz we were. -rubs a small circle where his hand is. relax in there.-

RILEY: -smiles a little- probably. shit, what if she's just like us? we're in for it now.

DEREK: Have some sense like your brothers do baby girl. 

DEREK: If youre gonna inherit our traits let me be the good ones. 

DEREK: Like my devilish good looks for example. -talking to ryan is relaxing him... like it always does.-

RILEY: she's gonna be beautiful. and also look nothing like you. just watch.

DEREK: The fuck? Rude. 

DEREK: -wraps his arms around her middle.- Youre just giving me attitude cuz youre cranky. 

DEREK: We should take a nap. -he just wants to rest too...-

RILEY: i'm giving you attitude because you deserve it. -leans back against him- yeah. 

RILEY: i'm all for that nap shit.

DEREK: -kisses on her again before lowering them both to lie down.-

RILEY: -and in his arms she realizes she's more tired than she thinks she is, and surprisingly, she's able to close her eyes-