#im very afraid and i feel very sick and i cannot sleep and i just feel like i want to go home and when i question myself on that-

[piplupod]

the brain better figure out a way to fix this shit real quick or idk what is going to happen honestly. i feel very sick

[zegrasdrysdale]

head cannons for luke hughes please if you want!! 🙂😛🥰

lh43 headcanons

fluff & smut

warning(s) : smut !!

author’s note : luke hcs have been requested twice so here we are since im home sick from work

༺═──────────────═༻

fluff !!

Luke isn’t the most extroverted guy but he’s never been afraid to speak his mind around you. you bring out a side in Luke that even his brothers don’t ever seen

he’s always glued to your side when you go with him to Devils events, but he introduces you to all of his teammates (other than Jack)

you’re very close with Jack since he plays with Luke, but you’re also friendly with Quinn as well even though you’re four years younger than him

you go to every Devils home game with a jersey that you borrowed stole from Luke

he’s nearly a foot taller than you so he’s always easy to spot in the crowd

movie night every Friday (when he’s around)

going to the lake house every summer since you were both 13

Luke is very touchy sometimes. he’ll usually wrap an arm around your shoulders or hold your hand or rest one of his hands on your knee / thigh when he gets a little touchy

your first kiss happens at the lake house one summer night because he gets jealous that Trevor Zegras is flirting with you and he wants you to know that you’re his

“if all it took was flirting with Z for you to kiss me then I would have done it a long time ago”

the two of you are inseparable once your relationship changes from friendly to romantic

you sleep in his bed whenever you visit the apartment he shares with Jack

and Jack always makes jokes about it, even when you were just friends. Quinn finds out and he joins Jack in teasing both of you

you’re super supportive of him as he transitions from college hockey to the NHL, even being there while he struggles during his rookie season but being proud of him when he’s nominated for the calder

he’s also super supportive of you while you finish up school (you transferred to a school in NY after he went pro)

you buy each other gifts all the time, but for his 20th birthday before his first season started, you bought him a chain with your first initial on it and he wears it for every single game. he bought you a matching necklace a few weeks later

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

nsfw / smut !!

Luke will fuck you everywhere and anywhere as long as you’re okay with it (and when he knows you won’t get caught)

bending you over the nearest surface is probably his favorite thing, but he loves when he can see your face too

morning sex before he leaves for roadies !!

shower sex when he comes back from games and needs to release some of his frustrations happen more often than not, and you don’t complain since you love his rougher side sometimes

you love his thighs so sometimes you will ride them just to get off

and Luke could get off on that alone, but he always waits until he’s inside of you before he comes

Luke loves when you beg for his cock

and when your fingers are on his curls

you make sure he knows how proud you are of him by making him feel good after a good game, whether it’s with a blowjob or riding his dick

he’s very much a giver rather than a receiver. he will go down on you until your entire body shakes. you love when he uses his fingers and his tongue at the same time

Luke isn’t a fan of using toys on you, but he doesn’t mind if you use them while he’s away

neither of you run off to hook up while visiting Luke’s parents because you’re both so afraid of one of them (or Jack or Quinn) walking in on you

but the second you get back to one of your apartments in Jersey … that’s a different story

his stamina is insane. Luke could go for multiple rounds or all night without needing sleep to recover

but he always lets you sleep after sex. he’ll take care of you, especially if you literally cannot move

as a matter of fact, luke is the king of aftercare. he’ll get you whatever you need

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HC MASTERLIST

requests are currently CLOSED !!

wanna be added to the taglist ? fill out this form !

taglist : @dasiysthings @axaslee @ithinkimokeei @dancerbailey3 @love4lando @mangoluver @prettyinsatiable @ivy-34 @bunbunbl0gs @marie7366 @naughty-box @memandi

[kakashiislut]

Who is it?~ GhostFace

Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6, Pt 7

———————————————————

You cannot sleep that night. Instead you’re up laying in your bed, fingers caressing a news paper.

“Gruesome Discovery in Red Forest: Bodies of Woman and Man Found Buried Near River.”

You’re hurt. Your heart hurts and it’s beating so fast you’re afraid it’ll slam out of your chest. Not afraid about being discovered as a 2x offender of murder…but because “Matthew” hates you now.

“Nothing ever goes my way…” you feel like the air has left your lungs, so you roll over and take an extra dose of your medication.

It’s supposed to keep you “sane” or “keep the other person out,” but it’s bullshit…you still feel itchy on the inside.

It always seems to calm you down though, so you find yourself closing your eyes and drifting away.

-

“HEYYY MY BABY!!” You slam your head up from your desk and notice a very excited Stu Infront of you. “W-what-“

You release a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Stu? What the..”

“It’s lunch time! And you were sleeping so soundly on your desk, sorry I scared ya!”

He sticks out his tongue and licks all the way around his lips. In his eyes, he holds this wild look, like he was raised by wolves…then again…he was alone most of his life.

“Tate is feeling sick today, but she made me comeeee, so we gonna hang out today!”

He grabs your arm and drags you up from the desk.

You find yourself poking at the food in your tray.

“What’s wrong? Sad Tate isn’t here?” Billy asks, face looking uncomfy.

You don’t reply, instead you focus on the itchy feeling in your stomach.

Kill her?

Kill.

Her?

Why Tate?

Why couldn’t it be someone easier to hurt?

His Voice keeps going through your head.

You get up swiftly, “bathroom! I needa…use the bathroom…”

You leave the table as fast as you can, leaving your tray on the table for them to pick at.

You find yourself by a sink, splashing water on your face and trying to focus on your face in the mirror, everything seems blurry and your stomach is burning.

When was the last time you felt any sort of emotion that you didn’t fake? When was the last time-

“Hey, you okay?” Oh syd…she looks sad.

“Ya im Fine, is something the matter?”

“You just look…i don’t know…uncomfy?” She smiles and you smile back.

“Im Fine..don’t worry about me.” The smile looks uneasy on your face and she just nods

“Okay come on,” she extends her hand “to narnia!”

“To narnia!”

You take her hand.



[noodleshark]

Terror fam Headcannons 3

or i guess facts, since theyre my ocs now.

Raffi has an animal special interest

He has thought about what animals him and his family would be VERY IN DEPTH

Sori is awful with names

She named herself after her special interest(her name is sound in korean and her special interest is music)

She heard paru say the japanese word for friend before and picked up on it, you'll never guess what she came up with when yujin asked for a new name

When they get a cat, he names it the korean word for CAT

oh speaking of sori knowing korean: Raffi is Malaysian, Raine is brazilian, Yujin is british, sori's korean, obviously, and paru is japanese and british

Sori does not know shes korean

Raine can't spell in english and sori cant spell at all

Raffi likes bugs and refuses to wear bug spray. but then he'll get annoyed about being itchy from bites

During any holiday with fireworks he throws those popit things at raine's feet.

Raine would wear shoes in bed if paru didnt tell her she wont snuggle with her if she does that

Sori does that thing where sometimes if she wants to cuddle she'll just go inbetween those 2

one of the things from being a monster for a lil bit(design change pending), she can purr now!

When she was little she had a cat but she got seperated when she was 6

when raffi sees yujins eyes for the first time he just goes "harbor seal"

in july raine started to try to teach sori how to swim

Sori had an ED for a while so when one day he(nervously) asked raine to make something specific for one of their meals she was like "🥺 yeah of course!!!"

she always made them what they wanted when they asked for like 2 months

Along with the ED it also helped with sori's issues with control!!!

Oh related to the harbor seal comment: When Yujin saved sori from the bullies(name and lore change is an eventuality, those names are stand ins) she had a concussion and could see his eyes she was just like "kitty!!!"

Raine has seen multiple kids die from sicknesses so she gets very anxious when one of the others get sick

she usually can't sleep and just sits by their bed just to know they're still breathing

Yujin has a BIG sweet tooth

but he CANNOT handle sour stuff

whenever raffi has some sour candy he begs for some and raffi always warns him, yet yujin eats it anyways. everytime

When they have campfires together people switch out to sit with yujin because he's afraid of fire

Paru has picked up on some portugese from raine's flashbacks

she cant converse in the language though because its only stuff like "die" "died" "dead" "parents" "theyre dead" "im gonna die" "help (me)" "theyre gonna kill me"

Sori gets mobility aids when she's 11

Yujin likes outer space

he probably has a space blanket and telescope

Sori has a weighted blanket!

She puts it around herself when shes scared or upset about something that makes touch feel gross at the moment

Sori loves plushies and probably has the most cat plushies out of any animal or anything

She kept an orange cat plushie the broadcaster got when she was in the radio station with him

when raffi has flashbacks or freaks out really bad in a way that isnt a sensory meltdown, sori hides under a blanket or leaves the room so she wont freak him out more

one time she didnt, either it took her too long to realize what was happening or the first time it happened and he screamed as soon as he saw her

Raffi's worst sensory expirence is usually bright lights while Sori's is loud noises

Raine sometimes sings sori to sleep

When sori is cuddling with someone, espicially raine and paru but this also applies to yujin, it is SO hard for them to move bc they'll make a sleepy grumbly noise and also theyre baby, this is even worse during bad pain days

Raine eventually just started to carry sori around.

one time paru and raine had to have a serious conversation(about one of sori's traumas that paru just found out about and raine knew for a while) but sori was laying on paru's thigh so she just covered his ears

Yujin had a tough time transitioning to having his own room bc fears about being alone so he slowly adjusted by sleeping in sori's room a lot and slowly started to sleep in his more

Paru thinks that curly-afrotextured hair is fun to style to she likes to mess around with raine's

[little-lightning-lavellan]

Character Song Tag Meme

Thank you so much for the tag, @bluecadash​! I’m absolutely obsessed with character playlists so this was a lot of fun for me. ^_^ The only difficult part was picking just three songs for each character, ack--!

Mellan [sometimes Lavellan] - Dragon Age

↳ The Vincent Black Shadow - Stupid Intruders

I don't know why I bother fronting a nice face, it's fake

I took a test and found out things that I knew before

It's all genetic that I find you a huge bore

[...]

I'm rabid and hibernating, simultaneously

Who are you to give me tips on me?

You don't know me, and that's the problem

↳ Richard White - Belle

Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar

I wonder if she's feeling well

With a dreamy far off look

And her nose stuck in a book

[...]

I'm afraid she's rather odd

Very different from the rest of us

She's nothing like the rest of us

Yes, different from the rest of us is (Mel ;))

↳ Lola Blanc - Angry Too

They have forgotten what they did

And does it get your blood boiling? And does it make you see red?

And do you wanna destroy it? Does it get in your head?

'Cause it gets my blood boiling, and I'm coming unglued

It would hit you like poison if you knew what I knew

You would be angry, too

Nizana - Star Wars

↳ Mitski - Cop Car

I get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog

I want to jump into blue water

And I miss riding horses, I miss running fast

[...]

I am cruel, I am gentle, I can make you laugh

I've loved many boys, I've loved many girls

I don't think about the past, it's always there anyway

Don't think about the past, always there anyway

And I will never die, I will never die

↳ The Grisworlds - Aliens

In the city lights

Running downtown

Looking like a murderer

Oh no slowly, I won't give you up

Just say my name

I can't change it

That smile upon your face

Want to break it

And I'll fake it

It's harder than you know

And you know

People fuckin' bore me

Just say that you don't know me

Ya treat me like love sick alien

↳ Meg Myers - Tear Me to Pieces

Hush, hush, ashes and dust

Trouble's not worth the pleasure but I feel alive

Lust, lust, never enough

Indelible human nature keeps me up at night

It's a pretty fixation, It's a pretty fixation

But it's a wicked temptation, It's a wicked temptation

I know this love will tear me to pieces

I know his hands will dig up my secrets

It's in your eyes, ah, you fucking liar

I know this love will tear me to pieces

Sister Milquetoast (ie, Clara Benson) - TTRPG

↳ Half Alive - Creature

I know I'm made of clay that's worn

Blinded by imperfect form

But I will trust the artist molding me

In a room that's growing dim

Illuminated from within

The pull of tension's empathy

I am creation, both haunted and holy

Made in glory

Even the depths of the night cannot blind me

When You guide me

↳ The Oh Hellos - Like the Dawn

You broke the dark and my whole earth shook

I was sleeping in the garden

When I saw you

At last, at last

Bones of my bones and flesh of my flesh, at last

You were the brightest shade

Of sun I had ever seen

↳ Soap&Skin - Me and the Devil

Early this morning

When you knocked upon my door

Early this morning

When you knocked upon my door

And I said hello Satan, ah

I believe it is time to go

Me and the devil walkin' side by side

[...]

It must be that old evil spirit

So deep down in your ground

~

Tagging lovelies @because-im-hap-hap​ @rosella-writes​ @dreadfutures​ @palepinkycat​ @drunken-drengr​ and anyone else who would like to participate! I want to see what your playlists look like. :)

[toestalucia]

can i talk about sr joel's fate eps again cuz they make me lose my mind. fate eps i went into like hihi joel but was immediately hit with 1) ebisu & echidna talk 2) dealing with captain making assumptions about him leaving the crew and being upset about that all on their own. been dying for them to discuss that more and then they gave me it in JOELS fate eps.....

ive been over this in the past too, but stuff like the crew succeeded with its initial goal/get-together reason in erste & crew members who has finished the reason why they joined the crew (such as joel realizing there very likely isnt a sea to swim in in the crimson horizon -> the topic of 'joel has no reason to stay' comes up) & then decided to keep travelling..........................luna's 'i dont like bad end movies' or whatever the title is..............oughhhhh i looovvvvvvvv when characters say they intend to stay with the grandcypher/join for estalucia it makes me so emotional

Joel: So in Auguste, the mother of the Crimson Horizon became the Mother of Life. That's why we believe an ocean waits at the bottom of the sky.

Joel: The same thing happened with Ebisu, the primal beast of blessings. In Auguste, that name's no more than a good luck charm—something to name your hammer or saw after.

like out of all primals to namesdrop in some sr's fate eps

Lyria has only half-understood the captain's mood. (Captain) is indeed worried about Joel's dampened spirits. But heavier still is the knowledge that he no longer has a reason to stay with the crew. The thought of parting with a treasured friend does not sit well with the captain.

do u get why i lose my fkng mind. guy who assumes things all on their own. also captain who is so bothered by the entire thing joel asks if theyre sick when he sees their face like help....

Before Joel can fret any further, (Captain) takes a deep breath and speaks. Choose: Are you going home? Joel: What? Oh... 'Cause we're heading to Auguste, right? Yeah. Thought I'd swing by. I already made it to the bottom of the sky... And I haven't seen my family in a while. Realizing Joel really does intend to leave, (Captain)'s shoulders sag. Joel: Captain, you're not looking too good. Go figure. We've been stuck in Pandemonium this whole time.

CONVOS THAT HAUNTS ME. 'i thought id swing by' Captain who was alrdy worried joels leaving is now Convinced. unreal

(Captain) manages a slow nod at what might be the last lecture Joel gives on the Grandcypher.

BHADBADBBADBJADBJKADBJKBJKADAD THEYRE SO DRAMATIC....but also joels whole lecture truly does feel like a goodbye thing like my dude...u r 19......imagine being told by a 19yo that u should sleep early..... but also in general how a lot of the dialogue starts leaning into the 'joel is leaving' narrative captain deluded themself into LOL

Diving forward, (Captain) yanks Lyria back, but the momentum carries the captain overboard instead.

doing this when ebisu&echidna alrdy was mentioned is so funny. golden knight....

Joel's voice is cold. With a shock, the captain realizes how cruel it was to believe Joel would just disappear.

this. this line. this exact one. joel who's upset because captain assumed he was leaving for good (lyria too is like, if he did he would tell us tho...) like its ssooooooooo goooooood this is what ive wanted im so glad still they gave this to me

Joel: You really think I'm the sort of guy that would abandon the crew? Without a word? I can't believe you...

Anna: Well... It's hard to ask about something if you're afraid of the answer, right? I know what that's like...

anna desperately trying to vouch for captain i lov her sm. either way the rest of the fate ep is also unreal. 'my grandmother did this thing with my grandfather' you cannot be serious...... hold on i forgot he said some of this stuff what the hell.................give joel a vday unit alrdy..........

Now the captain knows that though their dreams and wishes may change with time, their bond will always remain strong.

also makes me so emotional tho....

[rot-room]

6-23-23

I feel like i am in a bad dream for the last 72 hrs. Im gonna share to document these trying times. Woke up so sick 2-3 nights ago (time does not exist rn). I thought it was usual anxiety/ssri symptoms but turned out to be much worse (food poisoning?) Was up all night on phone with mom. Next day i had shakes/chills/fever and body ache all over. Was too afraid to take my ssri for 2 days.

All of this is happening, and i was also following the news about the submarine, for some reason. Felt like a descent into insanity, me rotting in this room soaked in sweat and heart racing. Honestly, i have felt like that one scene in trainspotting:

Anxiety is unbearable because you start to fear the fear itself. The worst part of my illness aside from the crushing nausea and stomach distress was the fear that came with it. I have severe emetophobia. The worst part of my anxiety is that it never stops. I am constantly afraid. I am afraid of being afraid, i am afraid of losing control. It is a never-ending cycle. The last two nights i fell asleep with my mom on the line. Just to be safe. She yelled at me two days ago and i cried like a child. A sick child. Sobbing and shaking in pain and making it worse for myself and none of the 'grown ups' in my life being gentle with me while i feel like i wounded bird. i called the nurse hotline and she put me thru to a doctor. The nurse seemed like she thought i was dying. I did too, as i originally thought i had serotonin syndrome. The doctor was very nice, she told me i am Not dying, and i can keep taking my meds. I am grateful for the doctor on the phone for being gentle with me, as i was crying while we talked.

I have been playing a moth game to keep me distracted and i love it, nd i have become even more fascinated with caterpillars and moths

woke up last night at 3am having a panic attack. The worst part is, once i start having a panic attack i start to panic about how i am panicking.

My heart was beating so hard and i could anticipate the nausea and tingly face that would come with it but i knew if i kept this cycle up i will die. I can't even say for sure how much of my sickness was sickness and how much was a fear response. It all started to blend together into one big nightmare.

i thought for once, hey i will actually do something productive instead of crumbling apart like a million shards of broken short circuited machinery thats frantically thrashing and quivering and oozing toxic waste.

so i took some deep breaths. the 4-7-8 deep breaths. and miraculously within a few minutes my heart was slowing down. that really is the biggest culprit for me; the racing heart. It is the poisoned root that opens the pandoras box of symptoms. The nausea the shaking the salivating the tingling the hyperventilating. If i can slow the racing heart i can cut off those symptoms before they spiral out of control. And i stopped it. It was hard because i took gravol before and i was in a half-coma state. Trying to calm a panic attack while drowsy is very very scary. But i did it. And i had two other panic attacks today. And i stopped them myself. Now that i was so sick i feel like i stood in the gates of hell and the most comforting thing to tell myself when i am panicking is, "whats the worst that can happen?" Because the worst part of all of it, was the fear. The anxiety spiralling out of control. The sickness was horrible on its own but the fear only exacerbated it. I need to get a hold on it.

this battle with anxiety and panic disorder controls my life. sometimes more than other times. I dont keep many secrets and i am an open book, but nobody in my life except maybe my mother will ever know the extent to which my GAD and panic disorder and emetophobia(and presumably OCD) controls me. I am dying. I am dying at work i am dying when i am with my friends, when i am laughing i am dying when i am sleeping i am dying. Because of my fear and panic. I cannot do it anymore. I need to win. I can do it. I cannot spiral anymore. I am not alive i am surviving. I am more afraid and alert than a caveman hiding from predators millions of years ago. I feel everything constantly. All the pain all the fear i feel it all.

I have seen this photo more in the last three days than i have seen another human, eaten food, got out of bed,

When i look at this, i see a lovecraftian monster. I dont wanna talk about current events but sometimes things happen and i fixate on them when i am already in a dark place and this is one of them. Maybe its because i am so afraid right now, and i cant think of anything more terrifying than being in a tiny tube in the bottom of the ocean that implodes in on itself. The last three days i have been sick and i have not left my bed and i have not eaten and i have been scared to take my meds and i have gone back and forth from my bed and a cold shower. I have panicked so much. Such catastrophe, such fear. It lives inside of me. I dont know if i have anything poetic to say about the sub. I have just been morbidly obsessing over the situation and it felt like something i needed to mention in my memoir of the last fucked up three days. when i think of this transitional, dark time i will think of the sub, and vice versa. Rest in peace Suleman.

I watched Bound (1996) last night on the couch in the dark, it was on cable. I loved this movie so much. It felt like a light in the darkness. I hope one day i can have a girlfriend. I hope girls are real. That sure would be cool.

I hope i can get better. I really, really want to. If i do not stop being afraid i will die. I will die anyway but, the fear will kill me much too soon and very painfully. I cannot live like this forever. And i won't, because I am brave and i have lived to tell everything up until now. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. I love you, i forgive you, thank you.

[cosmojjong]

does anyone else ever dread going to sleep because they're aware they'll soon have to wake up and deal with another day? like... do you also feel too sad to sleep? and how do you guys deal with it?

[x-rambles]

Journal entry from later that night on my cellphone that I need to delete out of my phone notes;

I am feeling overwhelmed and I have to make a change. I recognize that I am in a slower pace currently than I was previously. I am so glad to be in a place where I can slow down more, commute over less days, I’m not doing my coaching cohort, I have more concrete time to myself,

Now I feel a bit sad because it’s as if I’m experience a lot of emotional labor for things I’m not doing. I was very happy for my workout schedule I was starting. Now that I work from home more consistently, I have more time to work out—and can even do so AFTER work/at the end of the day! I really got scared when I got sick…now it’s like I’m afraid to be productive with my business, and consistent with working out because I don’t want to overextend myself again & become sick. I wonder, if that was a bit of a toxic time..Like I was pushing myself, saying what woman do I want to be, this is the one time in my life I’ll be able to do these things. And I became sick….I don’t want to be sick again. I don’t want to overwork again. And I can make a schedule for myself so that will not happen again…

I’m also concerned that I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed in my relationship again. At this point I do not want to mention it to him. I control my actions, I am my solution. I need to begin saying no to going to his house. With my extended remote schedule I have to be clear this will not cause too much time together. Whatever’s happening with our sex life is also honestly making me uncomfortable. It’s weird because after having sex I hadn’t felt good. And not having sex doesn’t feel good😂 so clearly there’s something for me to explore there. Im but w sleeping without clothes on, and I may begin asking him not to cuddle me, but that’ll cause issue. Maybe I go into the bed later, after him?? Ugh…..Nonetheless, I need to organize my life more.

Truly, I feel overwhelmed by life and I cannot stand it. How can I take charge?? And it feels weird because, to take charge & ensure I no longer feel overwhelmed feels like too much work. It feels like too much work to figure out a personal life schedule for tasks. Engaging with other ppl feels extremely overwhelming too. Having to plan & figure out these vacations feels quite overwhelming to me also. ☹️☹️☹️ maybe if I wrote on loose leaf paper, and wrote out the realms of my life??? And began to tackle one at a time?? A new job search is entering the mix also, and at this point I love both the current interviews I’d been doing—I may see them through & leave it alone after that?? It suck’s because unfortunately my job is DRAMA. Like unfortunately, I have to be strategic regarding what the next move with that will be.

All parts of life take effort, but I’m currently feeling it’s too much. I enjoy traveling, it’s something I’d want to do, but I don’t want to feel overwhelmed w the planning process. Working out….honestly was better than I thought it would be. I did sortve hate it in some ways, but I liked my little tricks. I’m truly afraid of the getting sick thing, and I remember I was rly lacking sleep at that time period also.

With my relationship, I don’t fucking no…I believe that can be a post in itself but I’ll go as long as I can here. Firstly, of course is the 6 month curse😂😂😂 which we’ve moved past, but at what cost? Honestly, I don’t feel very comfortable and I fear that I’m in this relationship continuing unhealthy patterns. I hate when I feel like I’m being watched or suggested as “inadequate” for basic shit yo. I really be there like just don’t talk to me, pls. If you’re gonna say stupid stuff. Like—talking ab being financially savvy if I do a PhD, or remembering to season the cauliflower rice, like yo I taught you wtf cauliflower rice is????? We’ve had conversations about that, like the time I explained he wanted me to see part of his culture “to learn ways of doing things” and not because it’s a beautiful culture or something he’d want to share with me. Like, he’s nice….but it’s toxic asf. We have this trip planned for 2 months out.

I no longer want to feel that I’m part of a dynamic where I must prove & explain that I have sense, why I do things, I don’t want to be in a circumstance where I feel as if I’m being viewed as inadequate, and truly I have been reflecting on it…am I projecting? But I don’t believe that I am. And I believe this shit will be constant.

Idk if I’m exhausted Bcus I didn’t take enough time to myself, or because…from my perspective this guy just does the most & I am annoyed. And honestly, I almost want to shut down Dating For Educators. I feel the passion being drained from so many corners of my life because I feel overwhelmed & I do not know how to make it stop. Even having more time to myself, will that help?!! But these things have to be worth the try.

Morning meditations have to be worth the try, listening to sermons have to be worth the try, what do I have to lose?? I know working out helps pick up mood….there’s nothing to lose in trying😭😭 journaling more consistently too!! Being from home FOUR DAYS out of the week gives NO excuse for lack of morning routine. And that might mean I have to go home; because I’m too shy & nervous to do affirmations in front of people😂but I surely need them!

Consistency is work, and every day is a new chance to try..I have to make changes. Feeling this way is not cool, it’s not! More than anything I want to feel at peace. The amount of emotional & mental hurdles necessary for accomplishing goals is feeling overwhelming. Facing my test anxiety with my drivers license. Navigating toxic work cultures & assessing potential future employment opportunities. Navigating sexist & racist underpinnings in a romantic relationship where I also have confusing sexual needs that are unmeetable. Facing struggles with my body image issues, my internal financial anxieties with every meal I have, and trying to constantly avoid all of those things feels overwhelming. And honestly, I don’t think I’m going back to my therapist because the therapist herself felt a bit weird & useless—ever since the first meeting where I felt I wasn’t giving her enough “trauma” and I don’t appreciate how my difficulties w Headway were being treated—how it felt as if I was the problem. To have all these problems I wonder is it me??? What shifts can I make?? And most importantly WHAT THE FUCK?!

11/14/2022

At 25 years old, before 2022 ended, you became a licensed driver. You hit a milestone.

[cloudycrystalkpop]

SMOKY | Hell Below

Blind! Prince! Mingi x [unstated skin deformity] fem! reader

Words: 2k+

Warnings: self harm, possessiveness, demonic interaction

au: crown royal au | moodboard

series masterlist: SMOKY

~

Seonghwa paced back and forth in front of your door. He was placed on guard duty this evening and it was slowly torturing him.

Normally he would never complain, more than happy to forgo his own rest to know that his princess slept safe and sound. However, he was very aware that at the moment, his princess was not sleeping at all.

He gritted his teeth as he heard your voice moan out a name in pleasure. The name of your husband. A name that wasnt his.

Seonghwa squared his shoulders. He had made you a promise, one a very very long time ago.

When he was the man having you sing such pretty praises. When he wrote his name in calligraphy with his tongue between your thighs.

A promise he painted into your skin, one very late night. Kissing every patch that made you shy. Every inch that your family frowned upon. Every piece you had ever wanted to burn off.

"I will protect you, until the day my heart stops beating, And surely even after."

he is more than just a knight. No, after holding you, bare as the day you were born, shaking in his arms. After the words of hate and disgust at the case your very soul lived in, at watching you take blades to try and peel the unwanted flesh away, he would never ever let you hurt yourself again.

He would never abandon you, even if you took his heart right out of his chest, it was always yours anyway.

Seonghwa held his head in his hands. He was always yours anyway.

"They sure are loud huh?" Seonghwa jumped and reached for the sword on his belt at the voice.

"Sorry, bad night?" Hongjoong asked, standing before the heartbroken man.

"Yeah just, stuck in my own head." Seonghwa admitted. The other man nodded, scanning him with curious eyes.

"You and your princess sure are, close." he stated. The words curled on his tongue, watching Seonghwa flitched as the sound of a high pitched groan came from the lover's room.

"We... Used to be." he replied.

"I see. Makes sense why youre not so fond of that Duke." he quirked an eyebrow, a sly grin pulling at his features. "Hey, you wanna know a secret~" the man purred.

"Not tonight Hongjoong. Im not in the mood for your teasing." Seonghwa frownd.

"Hmm~ if you say so." his smile pulled into a playful childlike one, before Hongjoong skipped off down the hall, leaving Seonghwa alone with his thoughts once more.

~

Hongjoong purred to himself as he glanced over his shoulder as the knight stood at the lovers door. Lust is a very powerful tool in his bag of tricks, one that, it looks like, will do him very, very well.

~

you spent your days now often with Yeosang, his experience and wisdom helping you greatly in easing your nerves. he told you many stories, explained much about the kingdom you had never dared to venture around in.

whenever you did leave your family's estate, it was always with Seonghwa as your loyal guard. a long veil to hide you away from the world, or heaven forbid you simply, existing taint your family name.

you remembered the day The King died. he was an old man, had been sick for years. while not beloved by his people, he was well respected, and yet. when he passed, no one knew anything about him. there was no mourning, for there was no loss.

The Queen had fully stepped into power then, ten years younger than her husband she was more than capable of leading. and so it had been since your early teens. The Queen was now however, ready to pass her power, rather than see it out live her too, just like her husband.

and that, was where the crown prince and princess had come in. the pair lost at sea in a tragic shipwreck, the kingdom scrambling to find a new replacement. you and Mingi were nobles, sure. second rate royals even, your father once a prince, a second born. Mingi was next in line to become a Duke, chosen over Yeosang for your hand in marriage for, such a trivial reason. or so you thought.

“my family comes from the Valley, My Lady. Lord Mingi’s comes from the Sea.” Yeosang explained, an, almost forlorn look in his eye. “when yourself and your husband were married, it showed a joining of the land and the sea. loosening trade deals with other lands, its... business I'm afraid.”

“that’s all marriage is good for after all anyway. its just business.” you gazed off out the window, watching the roses sway in the morning breeze. the garden was beautiful, flowers in full bloom.

“I’m sorry you feel so my lady. but, you must admit how darling and romantic an idea it is.” Yeosang followed your gaze.

“to be married?” you wondered.

“the prince of the sea, wed to the princess of the forest. and a man who cannot see, tied to a woman never allowed to be seen.” he hummed softly.

“sounds like a horrible tragedy of a play to me.” you shook your head, eyes falling to your lap. “I should have a word with the playwright.”

“would you have preferred a different ending?” Yeosang wondered, dropping his head down to force you to look him in the eye. you chuckled, watching the corners of his eyes crinkle in a smile.

“I haven't decided.” you answered. “...are the flowers in the valley in bloom this time of year?” you asked.

“oh yes. the wild flowers were always my favorite as a boy. my sisters and I used to go out and make crowns out of them.” his voice was soft, eyes far away. caught in a memory from boyhood.

“...will you take me there some time, Yeosang?” his gaze focused back on you once more.

“if you wish to see it My Lady.” he grinned. “I will braid you a crown so lovely the royal jewels will be jealous.”

“promise me?” your voice betrayed you. a crack of pain hidden away there.

such a very different ending you could have had. one where you could spend your life safe, hidden away from the judgment and piercing eyes your mother always frightened you of. flowers in your hair, children at your feet, a husband who could provide for your every need. free to play in the forest of your childhood. there was no judgment from the trees, nor would you find it in the open fields.

“you have my word... My Lady.”

but your life was no fairy tale. you were to be queen of a kingdom you barely knew. sure, you had a husband, a man to wear the title of “king”, but both you and Mingi knew, the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

~

“My little Prince~” you called to the darkness of the room as you returned to your chambers for the evening. “Mingi?” you cooed once more, looking around for the tall man.

“we need to talk.” you nearly screamed, the voice was not your husband’s. upon turning on your heel, you came face to face with...

“Seonghwa! you nearly had me jump out of my skin!” you huffed, smacking the man on the side of his arm.

“hey! I'm sorry I scared you but, I'm serious.” he sighed, rubbing his arm.

“very well.” you huffed, seating yourself on the plush bed and waiting for his explanation. Seonghwa shuffled, changing his weight from one foot to the other, gaze fixed on the floor. “well? when did you become so awkward?”

“since I had to listen to you having sex for hours last night.” he growled. your ears glowed hot, but you choked the embarrassment down.

“I am sorry, I'm sure that was a bit.. uncomfortable-”

“you don’t get it do you, Princess.” he lifts his eyes to meet yours. “I love you.”

a lump forms in your throat. you do not move, only stare him down, unblinking, unreactive.

“I have been in love with you for almost five years now. I was the one who took your virginity, I was the one who held you when you cried, I was the only who protected you from the evils of this world. and I-” his voice cracked. Seonghwa, your loyal knight in shining armor, the one who had been by your side for the better half of your life, was in tears before you.

“I love you! I'd do anything for you! I've been with you since you were just a young girl! I've stood beside you through everything! and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me anymore!” his eyes sparkled with tears, cheeks damp and voice horse.

“... I-” you never got a chance to finish your thought as the door swung open once more.

Mingi stood in the doorway, blank eyes staring straight ahead of him, his face blank of any emotion.

“get. out. of. our. room.” never had you heard the intimidation in Mingi’s voice before. his voice rumbled deep in his chest, but his tone now, was that of a final, deadly warning.

Seonghwa stared at Mingi, shoulders taught, fists clenched. but he didn't say a word.

“...you are dismissed Seonghwa.” you finally broke the tense silence between the two man.

“as you wish, My Princess.” Seonghwa made his way towards the door, stepping past Mingi, only to be halted by said man shoving him against the wood, hard.

“if you dare, to even think of touching my wife, if even the thought of her in such context even passes your mind,” he growls. “I will have you executed for adultery.”

Mingi stepped away from a very shocked Seonghwa.

“she may be your Princess, but she will be your Queen. and never, for a moment forget, she will only be your queen, and she is my wife.” and with that he slammed the door shut.

~

Mingi developed a possessiveness over you, you must admit you didn’t expect. the once shy boy who could barely speak to you, now kept one hand on your person at all times you were together. when asked he said he preferred you guide him over a staff member. but you know by now Mingi knew this castle perfectly fine. he didn't need help or a guide anymore. he was lying.

he also got rather upset if you were left alone with another person too long, without himself or his chosen guard close by. his chosen guard? Hongjoong.

you woke one morning to find bruises so deep on your hips and chest they looked like black ink in the mirror. Mingi was marking you now. like you were something that belonged to him.

knowing who you needed to speak with, you snuck away one morning, before the sun rose. to find Hongjoong.

~

“your highness! what a pleasant surprise~” the handsome man cooed.

“may I speak with you? in private.” you glanced to the rest of the guard, Seonghwa the only one not meeting your gaze.

“oh? absolutely. please, come with me.” Hongjoong lead you out into the gardens, just as the first touches of dawn peeked over the skyline.

“alright creature. out with it. what have you done to the prince.” you growled, arms crossed as you glared at Hongjoong.

“such mean words from the ‘princess’ herself~” he smiled a grin, one a little too long and a little too wide for his face.

“why are you here?”

“what a stupid question! you already know that answer~ otherwise you wouldn’t have asked to speak to me, alone.”

“fine, who summoned you?”

Hongjoong chuckled, one in tone too deep for the voice he speaks with. “the dead king of course. but that was a long time ago you see.”

“speak to me truthfully creature, did you make a deal with Mingi?” you glared him down. while your experience with his kind was limited, you understood the one true weakness they had. they cannot directly lie.

Hongjoong grinned once more, that same unnatural once, the one that extended too far up his face, showing teeth a human man wouldn’t have. his eyes crinkled at the edges in the grin, the white parts of his eyes turning dark as a bruise.

“no.”

you held back a whimper at his voice. inhuman. demonic. bloodcurdling.

“...thank you. you are dismissed.” you blinked, and the man was back as he was. charming smile and handsome features glowing once again in the dawn.

“as you wish, your highness.” and with that, he walked back into the castle. leaving you alone in the garden, a ring of dead grass surrounding where the pair of you had stood.

[magnusgoetia]

Transcript of a Sinner’s Conversation: A Meeting with Caecus

--Begin (In Medias Res)--

Sinner: You kiddin'? Dyin' was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Caecus: There’s nothing you left behind? No family to miss?

Sinner: My family? Fuck 'em, I'd ‘ave hired 'elp to kill 'em already if it meant they'd be dead-dead, and I wouldn't have to spend time wiv 'em down 'ere. It wouldn't be right for me to force this on my friends either, but they'll be 'ere in due time anyway. I can wait.

Caecus: So, you’re expecting your friends to join you here as well. The wait must be awfully lonely.

Sinner: Ah, not really. I’ve made friends while I’m ‘ere. The shit I can do ‘ere is like, fucking magic and with it I can make up for what I lack in a lot of different ways. Just wish I could remember how I ‘ad died.

Caecus: Maybe it’s better not to remember… Not all of us intended to be here, after all.

Sinner: No. No, perhaps it’s best not to remember. I quickly found out that it's not just evil folks that end up here, lots of good folks, plenty of weird ones too. I'm sensing you’re of the “gooder” ones, you radiate...well, it’s 'ard to describe, but I don't sense any hostility from you at the very least, even though you were born ‘ere.

Caecus: How amiable of you. But remember, a birth is just a new beginning of sorts. You couldn’t have been alone since you were… delivered to us.

Sinner: Ah, you’re a poetic type aren’t ya? Anyway, I’ve not made many friends but I do ‘ave a particular fondness for this one clown...me an' 'im seem to 'ave this weird connection wiv each other. Actually, he's more of a jester type, though rather embarrassingly his name escapes me...

Caecus: Are you, by chance, referring to an imp named Blocko?

Sinner: Yeah, don’t surprise me you know ‘im. He seems like the type to ‘ave a particular reputation.

Caecus: That he does, and yet a divine will connects us. I’m being led to believe your intriguing appearance has an even more… intriguing history.

Sinner: Riiiight...Well, you know what they say about skeletons and closets. Though I suppose I ‘ave nothing to hide ‘ere...Well, to put it simply, I was a broken kid. I never got help, and I did... unspeakable things to anyone who ‘ad wronged me—or simply didn't like.

Caecus: Even the purest of souls can be corrupted by another’s sins.

Sinner: Yeah...Well, it's not like I'll stop doin’ what I did while I was alive, with all that murder and hedonism. Though death has a way of humbling some people...In any case, the murders mostly stopped as I grew older. I seemed to have preferred to just traumatise people instead, ruin lives of the people I saw as bad or evil.

Caecus: Then you found a different punishment for those you had judged.

Sinner: I suppose so. A lot of it involved me spying on groups of people. I'd worm my way into the seedy societies that thought they were safe in their little circles and collect dirt on them. Really sick shit too by the way but don’t worry, the hypocrisy wasn’t lost on me either.

Caecus: Oh? You judged yourself a hypocrite yet continued along a path of self-appointed righteousness... Why?

Sinner: I don’t know, maybe a sense of catharsis? A lot of these were people who I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about killing or whatever. Sometimes it was more personal too, there were—still are people I am attached to up there that got hurt, and I took my revenge on them in their place.

Caecus: Ahh, how noble. Fighting for your friends.

Sinner: Yeah, there was this one particular bastard. Actually, there were a few…but…eh, nevermind…this one particular guy who was essentially lying to one of these “friends” and caused them a psychotic breakdown. I didn’t take action right away, but I did end up killing ‘im. Didn’t even bother hiding the fact it was a murder.

Caecus: What made you wait?

Sinner: Money, mostly. It makes the world up there spin, and you need a lot of it to get anything done, right? Well, I ‘ad to wait until I ‘ad enough money to fly to the states on top of all that shit involved in immigratin’. When I settled in, that’s when I made my move on a buncha grudges. This guy was just the first. Moving to the states made my life a lot easier in some ways. Was a lot easier to sleep when I took care of the grudges too.

Caecus: Oh, wow. You must have had remarkable resolve to keep a “grudge” that long… Tell me, did all of them truly deserve it?

Sinner: No, most didn’t, but I am…was, an angry person. I found I was very much capable of venting my anger, to put it mildly, and I was much too young when I had...shall we say...discovered it.

Caecus: Young minds are impressionable.

Sinner: Right, and the fact that I was generally good at getting away with it made me feel just that little bit better about it.

Caecus: So, you exploited that validation to continue justifying your actions. Most sinners in your position never reach awareness...

Sinner: Yeah? I’ll take that as a compliment, but I was totally emotionally disconnected when committing my crimes. Afterwards I pretty much always dealt with conflict. Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Though I had largely stopped my ways. I’m ‘aving way too much fun down ‘ere, and even though I won’t drag ‘em down here with me, I’d love to have my friends join me eventually.

Caecus: Would they be pleased being here, embrace this existence like you have?

Sinner: I dunno, some of them have a hard enough time as it is with one existence, I doubt they’ll be too happy to find out there’s another waitin’ for ‘em. The others I’d imagine would be quite surprised all the same, being atheists and such, but I reckon they’d come to like it.

Caecus: An existence you cannot escape is itself a prison. Albeit, choosing to enjoy it in spite of that perspective is a marvelous thing. If you could imagine them in your presence, what would you do?

Sinner: Again, I dunno. It’s hard to tell when they’re not here yet but I am somewhat interested in what’ll end up happening should they get here. I dunno if I’ll be able to tell if it’s them even.

Caecus: And how do you dare to enjoy existence now?

Sinner: Well, I’ve been doing everything I’ve ever wanted to do but could never do in life amongst other things. It’s kinda embarrassing, but I played a bunch of video games, so I miss those quite a bit. I’ve found plenty of ways to fill that void though. Some of your movies are pretty sick down ‘ere, and importing goods from the other rings to ‘ere means I don’t miss out…mostly, on their fun too. I just wish I could explore the other rings; I don’t get why us sinners can’t.

Caecus: Decretum is often difficult to understand. However, it would seem a blessing that you’ve been placed with the multifarious company of the pride ring.

Sinner: True enough, whatever that means. There’s a lot of strip clubs, greedy businesses and shit, stuff you think you’d only find in the other rings. Though I think I probably would’ve ended up in wrath if we landed in the rings based on our sins.

Caecus: Most catechisms view wrath as an excessive anger. You strike me as having more control than the average sinner.

Sinner: A lot of people on the surface woulda said the same too, I was and I suppose still am really good at keeping it in check, well, good enough to not make it obvious anyway. Though it’s been a lot tougher down here.

Caecus: This is a realm of collective temptation, after all.

Sinner: My only judge here is myself and perhaps my peers if I let them. I still kill down here, but it’s been in self-defence. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone out of anger yet but let’s just say I’d feel sorry for the poor sod who happened to piss me off on a bad day.

Caecus: You’ve always been your own judge. I suspect the lack of good comparisons for your behavior here has coaxed you further.

Sinner: Actually, I could tell you about the first person I “killed” down here. It was soon after I woke up. I suppose this guy thought it’d be easy—fresh sinner, just in time to be another tally mark on some statistic.

Caecus: A second death, the lake of fire…

Sinner: Uh...yeah, I reacted on instinct and it musta been a sort of “kiss of death” type shit. I only touched the dude with my hand, and he just kinda…shrivelled up and died. You know…like when a cartoon character eats a lemo—ah sorry, you can’t watch TV.

Caecus: Ah, yes… a shrivelling death is nevertheless descriptive.

Sinner: Anyway, I have a bunch of other powers too but that one I’m most afraid of you know? I can drop the ambient temperature of an area so shit gets cold, have some form of telekinesis and a buncha other stuff, like I have some kinda control over this weird glowy energy, it’s how I have my eyes, which are purely for show, I don’t need them since I can see perfectly fine without ‘em...not that you’d know I even have ‘em.

Caecus: I’m aware you observe our world, in a traditional sense. My observations are just a bit more… unorthodox. And I feel as if your fear is not from a lack of understanding.

Sinner: Well I seem to have it under control, but I’m afraid in a moment of weakness I might react without thinking, you know? I’ve not had it happen yet, but it would be so easy when flippin’ out that I just give ‘em the ol’ touch of death.

Caecus: Even a king’s heart is just a stream of water to the hand of… fate.

Sinner: Gonna be honest, I haven’t the foggiest of what you just said. Though if I’m being honest myself, I couldn’t care less if it was someone I didn’t know anyway. Only really care about my friends and such. You seem pretty neat yourself.

Caecus: The impression is mutual. It’s not often that I’m seen as anything other than senseless and intimidating. I don’t find it unwarranted, granted; my appearance is as disconcerting as my psyche.

Sinner: How do you even know what you look like? It’s not like you can just look into a mirror.

Caecus: I was presented with a vision soon before I arrived, my last blessing I suppose… Regardless, my rebirth is a tale for another time. I’ve relished in your company long enough, and I must answer my calling. I’m sure our paths will converge again.

Sinner: Hey, I hope so too...uh....

Caecus: Please, call me Caecus.

Sinner: Well, it’s only polite to give you my name too. I go by many names here, but I am quite fond of “Mr. Death” as silly as it sounds.

Caecus: Silly, yes, but very becoming of you. A pleasure, Mr. Death.

Mr. Death:Well, don’t let me keep you. I’d like to see you again sometime, Caecus. I’ll take my leave.

Caecus: All in due time.

--End--

[raisedinerebor]

I See Fire

Paring: N/a

Song: I see fire - Ed Sheeran

Warnings: I know a lot of us are going through the fires going through Oregon, California and Washington right know and it’s probably the last thing you want to read about right now. So im just letting you all know that this is what this story is about.

An: Speaking of which, this is one long vent of a story. I’m in one of those states currenlty on fire. And i’ve been nothing but an anxitey filled mess for the last week. This is just my way of trying to calm down. I’m considering myself lucky. The fires haven’t quite reached where im at. They’re insanly close though and every so often keep on getting pushed back. But it’s driving me insane. I seriously cannot see the mountain right across where I live. It’s compleatly shrouded in smoke. I’m safe. My family is safe. And i’m thankfull for that. 

I hope all of you stay as safe as you possibly can.

Tags: @fizzyxcustard​

Ash fell from the sky like snow. Blanketing the world around us in a sea of grey. Smoke filtered through trees and hung high in the air. Smothering us with each aching breathe. It’s all we could smell anymore. Smoke. It clung to us like a promise made to be broken. 

The only thing we could see as well. It obscured towering mountains and once green trees. It made the sky cry red. Like some sick joke. As if we already weren’t in a living hell. It filled our lungs with ash and laughed when we choked.

Our days were filled with fear and trepidation. The promise of fire just around the corner. Our livelyhoods hung in a delicate balance. Any moment we could be forced away from our homes with whatever we could carry. With nothing more than memories of past lives.

We could only hope and pray that we wouldn’t end up like everyone else.

That our last memories of home won’t be that of dancing flames swallowing our houses. Of our lives.

.

.

.

My body shook as I jolted awake. My hands trembling as I place them over my pounding heart. I breathe in deeply. Cool mountain air filling my lungs. I almost cried then.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was there. Home. In a world of never ending smoke.

None of the Company knew that. All they knew was I was just some kid that was tagging along. I don’t know what magic brought me but I know I will make it send me back. As long as my family is stil there I will not stop fighting. Each day has been filled with anxiety and worry. I’m scared for them. It’s not fair that i’m safe here. Well. Relativly safe. As much as I can be with the impending doom of Orcs and other beasts that make thier home in this world.

I sit up and draw my blanket tightly over my shoulders. Wiping away a few tears that slipped past as I breathe in deeply once more. The only thing I have been thankful for since coming here. Fresh air. Free from smoke and ash.

“Y/n?” I glance up as Bilbo sits in front of me. I take the cup he offeres to me. It’s some type of tea. Sweet on my tongue with a minty aftertaste.

“Ya?” I take another drink.

“Are you okay, my dear?” He tilts his head to the side. Blonde curls fall softly and catch in the early morning light. I smile. Or at least try to.

“I’m fine Bilbo. Just thinking.” He reaches out with a hankerchief. Softly, as if though he were scared to hurt me, he brushed away tears I hadn’t known had fallen. He shakes his head.

“Something tells me that it’s quite the opposite.” He sits to the side of me and pats my knee. “You can talk to me. The others are sleeping and whatever you say will stay between us. That much I can promise.” He takes a drink of his own tea. “Me an you are quite the outsiders here and I think we should stick together. Don’t you think?”

I clear my throat and take a drink.  “I don’t think you want to hear about my troubles and woes, Mr. Baggins. And the last thing I wish to do is burden others with my troubles.” He shakes his head.

“Quite the opposite. Know. Please, tell me. Maybe I can help.” I jump as a few of the dwarves around us stir. Thorin going as far as to turn and pull his blanket further over his head.  He had the last of the night watch and probably wasn’t too keen on being woken anytime soon.

“My homes burning.” Bilbo looks at me. Eyes blown so wide I caught hint’s of green in his hazel eyes. “Before I came here. To this place. The states around me are on fire. And the one I live in.” I hug myself.

“And i’m one of he lucky ones. We are only on what they call, level one evacuation. We not so close that we can see flames but. Fuck. It’s so close that ash is raining from the sky.” I swallow thickly. “All around us is nothing but smoke and ash. People wondering where they’ll go if and when their homes burn. We’ve already backed up things we will need if we have to leave but.” My eyes burn as I blink away tears. 

“I’m scared Mr. Baggins. I’m so fucking scared that i’ll lose everything I have ever known. I’ve grown up in the same house my entire life. All those memories. All my family. I’m scared for them. Even if it’s not all that close to us yet. It’s all I worry about. All I could smell or taste is smoke and ash. It’s etched itself into every article of clothing and I can’t seem to wash it from my hair.” I wipe away the tears falling. “It’s so terrifying to watch the whole world bath itself in red. And i’m so scared. It’s not fair that i’m here and my family is still there.”

I look up, afraid that he’ll leave me where I am now. Open an vunerable and very much a scared little kid. But, instead, he pulls me in close. 

“We’ll get you back my dear. No matter what it takes. Gandalf has a plan. I know he does. And when it’s all done an over with just know, no matter what, you’ll have a home with me. That’s the only consolation I can give you now my dear. I hope that it will be enough.” I sniffle and nod my head. It’s not. Not really. But i’m not going to tell im that. I won’t be fine until i’m home again. But it does help. Even if its just a bit.

He pulls away all to soon.

“I have to get breakfast going my dear. You just rest a little longer. Okay?” I nod my head as he turns to leave. Only to jump a mile high as I catch Thorin sitting upright and staring right at me. Blue eyes pericing into my very soul. How much of that did he hear?

Shit.

I get up and make a beline to the tree line. The blanket falling from my shoulders and landing in a heap behind me. I walk along the small deer trail Gloin found the other day. It leads to a rather small stream but its enough to help wash away any signs that I had been crying.

The cold water stings as I splash it against my face. Sitting back on my heels I use the edge of my shirt to dry my face off. I grab a few pebbles and toss them into the water. I could hear The Company coming to life. FIli and Kili’s joivel shouts the loudest of them all. I don’t want to go back to camp. Not quite yet at any rate.

I stand up and grab a few smooth-ish looking rocks. They only skip across the water a couple of times. I try a few more times before deciding to give up. I jump back as a rock skips all the way to the other side. Leaving small ripples on its path.

“You have to flick your wrist a little more, Lass.” It’s Thorin. Damn. I kick at the pebbled shore before turning to look back to the other side of the stream and to the mountains towering above us.

“What’s going on? Are we leaving early today?” It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve done that. Thorin desprate to cover more ground before the next downpour.

“No. Not today. I’ve decided we need a much needed rest.” He takes a few steps closer to me and places his hand on my shoulder. Fingers brushing away a few strands of hair resting there. “And me an you have much to discuss. Come.” I swallow thickly as he guide me towards an old fallen log. His hand never leaving my shoulder even as we sit. 

I fiddle with the rings on my fingers. Anxiety filling me as silence surrounds us. Thorin takes my hand into his and brushes his thumb along my knuckles. My hands were shaking. He clears his throat and looks up and off into the distance.

“I heard you speaking with Master Baggins.” He looks at me. Blue eyes distant and soft. If I had know any better I would have said he look upset. Sorrowful even. He brings my hand up and presses a chaste kiss to it.  “Lass, if I had known I would have moved us non-stop to Rivendale. Even as much as I do not wish to go there, im sadden to admit they would be able to help you far more than I could. They could get you home more quickly. For if magic is what brought you hear, surley they have the means to get you back the same way.” Once again i’m brought to tears.

“No one should have to watch their world succumb to flames. Much less at such a slow and steady pace.” He bows his head and gips the key around his neck with his free hand. “I have seen what fire can do. I know the feeling of heat licking at your skin and ash in your lungs. And have seen the charred remains it leave behind.”

I don’t think before I move. My arms seem to wrap around him of their own free will. My face burrying into the crook of his neck as sobs shake my body.

“I know of that fear you speak of, Y/n. And I mourn the fact that you have to live through that. I swear to Malhal that we’ll get you back home as quickly as possible. Your nightmares don’t need to be bathed in red.” He pulls back and rests his forhead on mine. One hand on the side of my face and the other rests at my hip. Callosed fingers tracing circles onto exposed skin.

“We will get you home.”

[4res]

Understanding The Body Of Ares: The Art of Form, 2

----- Peace in the Body of War?

id like to start this journal off with a short story: and saying that for many months i have been suffering through intense anxiety that has been amped up because of mental illness

i havent been able to sleep well.. lately. i keep hearing my heartbeat in my ears, my neck and back hurt and pop and my ribs/sternum are still displaced from the violent car accident i was in so.. things get physically hard.

but today i had the honor and privilege of connecting with Hades about Ares, and Fear, and Violence.

this entry is about Peace, Hades... and Ares - and Conflict. TL;DR is present at the end if you also have attention problems

--

when i get in the car to drive or even if im just walking or driving, i get overcome with fear that im going to get.. attacked? genuine crippling concerns about violence, violent death, accidents, loudness, being followed - its gotten to the point to where i panic going to my car in the mornings because im afraid someone is waiting for me there

yet.. today after a massive trigger and very elongated anxiety/panic attack.. i realized i really needed to bring this problem to Ares and lay it at his Feet for help..

and then in deep prayer over this problem i was blessed and honored by Hades & Ares. Hades is around this space a lot because of my partner's devotion.. and with Their help i believe i have been able to answer Hades and receive Him ..

Peace Does Not Wait For War To Be Over Before Acting,

Healing Does Not Wait For Sickness To Be Over Before Acting.

of the many things Hades asked me, He said strongly: Is there Peace in Ares?

and so ive sat with this... deeply.. and i want to respond.

many monks who sit firmly in meditation, or study Tao.. mention that if you can meditate in a temple but not in traffic, you cannot meditate

likewise, if you cannot find Peace in Conflict, can you really find Peace? would monks who set up a temple of Peace in Mars be wiser or more foolish for it?

Apollo is not just the Sun, Ares is not just the Violence.. for within each is the antidote to Their own mystery, which implies in Great Wisdom that Ares is housing Amazing Peace.. and at the same time capable of sheltering acts of Great Violence

and Apollo housing both Healing and Sickness in this respect, Hades housing both Living and Dead

...with this it became clear to me that my anxiety and paranoia was me asking a question to myself: How can I live at Peace in the World despite all of the suffering and violence? How can I remember God in times where I feel vulnerable? Where is my Peace?

i must be careful as an explorer and Great Lover within Ares, for it is very easy to become swept away by violence, chaos, and domination - and confused in the massive swell of energy

Our God(s) are Through Out, They are the All - and my anxiety severs me from this Higher Knowledge that i am safe, protected and.. looked after.

Peace does not come after War is done. Healing does not come once Sickness is over. Peace and Healing alike can be found even in moments of the most chronic illness, and violent actions - like practiced meditation, blink and youll miss it. but it rests there, deep within Ares - the choice.. of Peace.

there was a time after my accident where i was laying in a ditch on the side of the road, waiting for an ambulance, and i remember several people running over to us from their cars

trying to pull me up from the ground, and get me out of the drain water in the ditch

...

i lovingly release all of these things to Ares, and all of those Fears.. i not just pray but I Beg humbly for your mercy and for Peace. all i know in this moment for True is that i am ignorant. i cannot grasp the degree to which i do not Truly know and yet, i walk deeper into you

TL;DR:

How can I live at Peace in the World despite all of the suffering and violence? How can I remember God in times where I feel vulnerable? Where is my Peace?

Peace does not come after War is done. Healing does not come once Sickness is over. Peace and Healing alike can be found even in moments of the most chronic illness, and violent actions - like practiced meditation, blink and youll miss it. but it rests there, deep within Ares - the choice.. of Peace.

Apollo is not just the Sun, Ares is not just the Violence.. for within each is the antidote to Their own mystery, which implies in Great Wisdom that Ares is housing Amazing Peace.. and at the same time capable of sheltering acts of Great Violence

thank you Hades... thank you Ares

[blkgirl-writing]

“Burned Cookies”

Jo March x Fem!Reader

Summary: Jo March can’t keep her eyes off of you. But she doesn’t quite know what to do for her feelings about a coworker, let alone a Woman.

A/N: THIS IS IT!!! My big, long awaited Jo March smut. I’m at work and decided fuck it, i’m gonna finish my fic. Thank everyone for dealing with me as I wrote this.

Warnings!: Bisexual reader, Fingering, Grinding, some internal homophobia at first, less Dom!Jo than I would have liked. MOSTLY FLUFF!!!

words: 3.1k

"You've always got your head stuck in your writings, Jo," you smiled, brushing your hand across her shoulder as you walked by. Dressed in your newest winter coat, you only meant to tease your fellow teacher in passing. But she grabbed your hand, and smirked up at you.

"Just like you are always in your music," Jo said, pulling you into the back of her chair, and resting your intertwined hands on her shoulder. "One cannot criticize if once does the exact same thing."

"I certainly wasn't criticizing only the best writer in New York...I was making a glaringly obvious observation." You pressed your fingers inter her skin, coaxing her into calmness as you massaged.

"The best writer in New York simply isn't true. You must not fuel my growing ego," Jo scorned, though a smirk clear on her lips.

"Maybe I wanna see a more confident Jo March. One that will let me read her stories, instead of running away everytime I ask," you hummed slyly, resting your chin on top of her head, trying to get a look at her writings.

"I do not!" Jo turned, attempting to slap your hand, but you moved away quickly laughing as she faked fury. Though, she couldn’t hide the small blush on her cheeks. 

"Oh yes you do, my dear." With that, you walked off, giving a playful spin as you made your way to the front of the school.

"I'm off to the Opera! I'll tell you about it when I'm back!"

"You should be the one in it, not watching!" Jo yelled after you. You shot Jo a kind smile, and closed the front door. The brisk cold air hitting your skin instantly.

_

It was dark by the time you got back. Feet sore from the mile or two walk. You didn't have enough money for a carriage, and you did like the city atmosphere, the lights from the apartments, the crowded streets...but that did not make the trek in heels and some snowfall any less painful.

You let out a deep sigh of relief when you closed the door behind. Finally able to kick off your shoes, hang up the heavy wool coat.

The fireplace was still crackling. Making your way into the dimly lit living room, you saw Jo still sitting there. Nose still in her paper...a cup of tea placed beside her, hair down and hanging loose over her shoulders.

"You should be asleep, you know." You hummed , taking a seat across from Jo. She lifted her eyes up to you, setting down the pen for a moment.

"I don't need much sleep, anyway." Jo muttered, voice low amd a bit raspy. "How was the opera?"

"Magical, truly. You would have hated it, though. The story was terrible. But the lead made up for everything." You laughed, 

"Bad writing with good acting doesn't make up for a bad base.” Jo muttered, 

"I know, I know..." you said. “Are you hungry? I’m starving.”

That’s how you found yourself making cookies at 1am with Jo March. Promising each other no flour would be wasted, nor throw at each other (even if it was quite fun.) The ovens fire lit up the room just enough to see, and the few candles around just added to the glow. Neither of you were starved as much as just an hour prior, but no one wanted to admit that maybe the company was what they really wanted.

“No, you put the flour in with the sugar, not with the wets,” You said, gently grasping Jo’s hand, moving it away from the bowl. She audibly sighed at the touch, though, her body tensed at the movement. 

“You okay, Jo?” you muttered, voice low, trying to get a glance at her face. She turned away from you, shaking her hand off of yours.

“Fine, don’t worry about it.” She smiled, forced. “Should we add cinnamon to these? I feel like it needs something warm-” 

“Great idea. Cinnamon..Clove? Maybe some Cardamom?” you stepped to the cupboards, where the shelves of endless spices lay. “Almost like a chai.” 

“Of course you’d want plain Chocolate chip cookies to be flavored chai as well.” Jo scoffed, though playfully. She leaned against the counter, watching as you carefully looked through the racks. Admiring you. How you looked in the dim candle light. Proper clothes abandoned. You shed your top and overskirt, leaving you with just Corset stays and a white skirt. A apron loosely tied around your waist. It felt so intimate. So quiet, while everyone slept in the big house. It was so easy to forget it wasn’t just you and her. Alone, but together.  

“Jo? You’re taller than me. Would you mind grabbing the nutmeg from the top shelf for me?” You turned around, pouting hopelessly as you begged her. “Be a dear??? For me,” 

“Barely taller,” She joked, stepping towards you. The wooden floor creaked  as she stepped, sounding far too loud through the heavy air. 

“Makes a difference,” you said, nudging her side.  As Jo reached up, her skirt came loose from her skirt, revealing her pale skin. You couldn’t look away, even if you tried.

“No corset? You’re very ahead of the time.” You poked the open skin, feeling how cold she was. Your finger lingers there for a bit...too long to mean nothing. The thought crosses your mind to just keep it there...to press your whole hand to her back. But you pull away, letting the silly thoughts fade away. 

“You know me,” Jo said, letting a breathy laugh escape her lips as she came down from her tippy toes, handing you the Nutmeg that you had almost forgotten about.

“Yes, and i’m very glad I do.” Smiling, you reached for her hand, letting your fingers linger on hers for a few moments, before taking the spice from them. Her hands were so cold, you were quite surprised they were fully functional. 

“Now...what were we up to?” You Hummed, turning on the heel of your foot, and padding to the sink, where the very clear mess you two made was. 

“When do we get to the chocolate part?” Jo whined, leaning her head on your shoulder, peering over at the flour mixture you had whipped up in a flurry.

“Soon enough, my writer. Even faster if you actually did you half-”

“Hey! I was trying, before you asked me to reach up for a spice you didn’t even need,” Jo quipped, turning around swiftly to lean against the counter, head turned to you.

 “you’re pretty like this,” Jo muttered, biting at her already raw lips. Her eyes scanned over your face, searching for something you couldn’t figure out. But she was studying you like a book. 

“Thank you,” You smiled. “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

You cooked in silence, for too long. Jo quietly doing her own little task. Avoiding your worried gaze. And once you put the cookies in to bake, you two stood against the counter. Eyes drifting in different directions. The lack of contact was killing you. And Jo wasn’t much better,

"Y/n?" Jo asked, eyes now...almost filled with tears? The dim light revealed very little to the face, but you could see that she was sad, distressed.

"Yes, dear?" You quickly sat up, crossing the tea table to sit on the floor in front of Jo, reaching for her hands. Though, she pulled away, sorrow riddled through her eyes.

"I...I think I'm confused. I don't know what to do.”

"Talk to me." You urged, reaching for her hand. And though she flinched at the cold touch, Jo laced her fingers with yours. 

"Im...  I find myself attracted to women." She admitted, as if it was stuck in her throat. Words tumbling out and falling to the floor. She still refused to look at you. Silence filling the air for a long few moments. Letting the time sink in. Too much time for Jo to like. She was so scared, that you would tell, laugh, maybe even hurt her? She didn’t know. It was all so unclear. All she knew was that she was extremely attracted to you, and more so than any friend should be. And she had never felt that way towards a man, and when she tried, it made herself sick. “And it feels wrong. I have a friend back at home I should have been able to love. But I don’t. And...I’m quite sure now it’s because he isn’t a she. And I'm horrible because of that.”

“That’s what has got you so?” You spoke, a hint of a laugh in your breathy voice. “Jo, I’ve always known I like Boys as much as I like Girls. And I'm not the least bit afraid. It is simply who I am. I am not horrible for that. Neither are you.”

“What?” She gasped, word rushed, said with very little thought. The admission of your own was so confident, so true to yourself. It shook her to her core. 

“Is this shocking? I mean, I wear so much plaid, I thought it was obvious-” You chuckled, biting down your lip to keep from being too loud.

“Plaid doesn’t make you Queer,” Jo slapped your arm, you winced at the small amount of pain, calling out her name playfully. 

“Misses Turnime and lady Lilian? They’re a couple. And no one can ever name a day they went without plaid something.” You laughed, “I'm not saying we all wear plaids, but…”

Jo paused. 

“You’re...Okay then? With me?” Jo asked, eyes coming to meet yours. A sparkle of tears hanging from her cheeks. She appeared so with it, so confident all of the time. It was odd seeing her like this. It broke your heart.

“Oh Jo, don’t cry. Of course I’m okay with it. In fact, I’m quite pleased.” You smiled softly, reaching out to wipe the tears away from her skin. Delicately pressing a hand on her jaw, you leaned in, placing a quick, small kiss just off of her lips. “I’ve had my eyes on you since we ran into each other on the train.”

“You’re messing with me-” Jo stared at you, completely dumbstruck. Lips parted, brows furrowed. “No...no way. You couldn’t.” 

“And why could I not?” You whispered, just barely enough to hear. Honestly, you wanted a different reaction. You didn’t want to hurt her. Did you hurt her? “I-I hope I didn’t ruin anything-”

“No! No, I just...I’ve been admiring you, so graceful and beautiful. I can’t Imagine you liking homely old me. The girl too caught up in her work. You're..you.” She bit down on her bottom lip, eyes wandering down to her lap, obviously gathering the words going a mile a minute in her mind. “You’re just so pretty.”

“I don’t know why it’s so hard to Imagine, Jo. You’re pure perfection.” You smirked, placing fingers under her chin, lifting her head up to meet your eyes.

“Can I kiss you, Josephine March?” 

“Please, yes.” She inched closer to you, fluttering her eyes shut, letting you close the small gap.

She could have sworn, the stars aligned when your lips met hers. So soft and warm, fitting perfectly to each other. Her hand hesitantly wrapped around your waist, the other going up to your neck. Unsure, yet it all felt right. Just right. She couldn’t help the moan that came from her chest, bubbling up as she  moved away from your lips, and tucked her head into the crook of your neck. Pressing kisses along the skin there. 

 The pair stumbled into the living room, Jo unable to keep her hands off of you, desperate for more. And you drinking in the passion she so effortlessly gave you.

Jo laid you down on the couch, the light of the fireplace dimly glowing behind. It lit up your bodies, warm toned and cozy. Keeping the red hot fire between you. Her gaze so sharp, digging into your chest. Corset pushed down slightly, just enough for your nipples to pop out of the boned stays, pushed upon place. Skirt fully abandoned, you were truly a work of art. A painting, a song played with careful hands, a poem from the gods. Jo bit down on her lip, keeping herself from voicing too many of those helpless thoughts.

The way Jo looked over you, taking her hand and grabbing your jaw, kissing you with such force and power, it felt fucking fantastic. Power lacing through her fingers. She could make you feel pleasure, she could make you moan. 

Her lips trailed hot down your exposed chest, her hands working at untying the white skirt keeping her from going any further down. 

Your chest heaved against the corset, breaths shirt and eyes never leaving Jo. She was on fire. Beautiful and fierce. As soon as she finished with the ties, you lifted your hips so she could slide it right off, exposing your lower half completely. Jo's warm hands grasping your hips,  pressing them down into the soft cushion of the couch. 

You worked at getting her undressed, throwing her clothes haphazardly across the room, until she was just in her drawers, that hung loosely from her thin frame. You let your hands travel from her waist to her breasts, brushing against her nipples.

"Jo...please touch me," you whispered, fingers intertwining in her soft hair. The hair you had wanted to touch for too long. It was just as good as you had hoped. And the small moan that escaped her lips when you did so was even better.

It only seemed like seconds, time flashed by as she brushed her fingers against your heat, rubbing light circles against where you needed her most. Back arched and lips parted, you moaned out her name like a prayer, and she watched every small move you made. So entrenched by your body. She drank in the sight, it was easily the most beautiful thing she had seen. Like a painting from the gods, perfect in every way.

Then, a finger dipped into you, pushing in and out so slowly, dragging out the firey feeling that lit inside you. Your breath was heavy, and her lips on yours kept from releasing the dirtiest of sounds. 

Jo lightly grinded against your thigh as she worked her fingers into you, lips planted on the sensitive skin of your neck. It was hard for her to hide how turned on she was by you, how such little touch would bring her to her own climax. 

Your hand traveled down to her ass, pushing down the linen as you grabbed on tight, fingers surely leaving marks. It was her turn to whisper your name, shaky and light, begging for a release. 

“Cum with me, Jo,” Just like that, with her lips against yours, in sync, you came undone. Moaning against her as you shook through your orgasm, her own following right behind you. Heaven touched the two of you in a moment of pure bliss. You stayed like that for a moment. It wasn’t until she pulled her fingers from you that you were jolted into reality. Forgetting what had happened wasn’t some sort of dream, or amazing fantasy. Jo was naked, on top of you. And completely in love.

Jo’s hair now frizzy, a layer of sweat clear in the dim light. She stared down at you with a small, satisfied smile. Cheeks red, flushed. She looked like a goddess.

“that was-” You panted,eyes wide as your tried to grasp for air. 

“-Ethereal,” Jo finished, Guiding you to sit up. Faces inches apart, chests press together. You could barely feel her heartbeat, but it was there. Fast and hard. Her fingers pressed to your lower back, butterfly like.

“Jo?” You whispered, holding back a laugh as you pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. “I think the cookies are burning-”

“I like them crispy, anyway.”

_____

@sofia-r-1604​ @nina-a-holt​​ @rareimagine​​ @minelskede​​ @sweet-cottage-lesbian​​ @idontlikepancakes​​ @crazymexicanfangirl​​ @lordbyronbutworse​​

[the-darklings]

can i request for march blurb night in advance?? like a santi/v au where they meet after a few years of v being manager and santi being married (and expecting a kid)? im really curious about how the conversation would go down👀👀

—IN MY PLACE;

⤫ pairing: santino x reader!V

⤫ wc: 2.9k+

⤫ notes: BRO. For context, please read this first. Also, blast “In My Place” by Coldplay for extra feels.

“I’m afraid that I cannot—”

Your head snaps up, the pen in your hand stilling as you raise your head towards the door of your office. Charon’s voice is familiar to you but you rarely hear it anything other than soothing monotonous. The unease, the reluctance—those are not things that you hear often, if at all.

Has that dreadful individual arrived already?

No—no, Charon would have rang to inform you first. The Adjudicator is distant in their ruthless professionalism, but they won’t force their way into your office. They better not.

The door slams open and your fingers rest against the comforting weight of a sharpened blade, tensing. Your role now may be to keep order but very few do it as efficiently as you do. There is a reason why you have become such a renowned manager and it has little to do with kindness.

But—

Something clenches around your heart, your spine, dragging you years back at the sight of the face in front of you.

You haven’t seen him since—

Since Santino came to you personally after the news about his engagement broke—not since you told him face-to-face that the only way to keep his power was to follow through with it. Camorra council was getting antsy for heirs, for the security that comes with a continuous line of succession. He could not delay any further without risking an outright rebellion or attempts to take his power.

The power that’s been in his family since Camorra was founded centuries ago.

He hasn’t changed. Same hair, same irritated expression, same arrogant posture, same fancy suit.

Same intense eyes that latch onto you like he’s been starved for the sight of you.

You try to ignore the stab right into your heart at the glimpse of a golden wedding band around his finger.

You try to ignore the way he exhales slowly, like some invisible weight has dropped away from his shoulders now that he’s in front of you.

“My apologies, Miss,” Charon begins and you drag your eyes to your right hand, rising to your feet. “But I’m afraid Mr D’Antonio was rather…insistent on seeing you. I told him you were busy and unavailable—”

Santino’s lips part, his expression dark, but you speak before he can. “Don’t worry,” you reassure Charon, giving him a measured look. “This will not take long. Please continue with the preparations.”

A polite dismissal.

Charon hesitates. Behind his glasses, his dark eyes slide towards the Italian—one of the most powerful men in the world, now—and if you didn’t know any better you would say that Charon gives Santino D’Antonio a warning look before he nods at you. 

He obeys without another word, closing the office door softly behind himself and all is silent.

You have no idea what to say to him. You told him that he should never see you again. That it would be for the best; a clean break. His presence here, now, is like a knife—a slow, dull, searing knife you could spend days twisting inside your heart. Always just a bit more, just a tiny bit longer; you would hold onto him till you can almost pretend that you’re both happy and free. 

“(Name).”

He seems to choke on your name; exhale it from deep inside his chest, soft and loving and hungry. His eyes journey over your features and you see, feel, taste his longing for you in that simple gesture alone. In turn, you chain your own longing tighter. Chain that part of you that wants to do nothing more than to wrap your arms around him and—

I’ve missed your stupid, sleepy face. 

“Congratulations,” you whisper gently instead, trying to keep the pain from your expression and voice by injecting coolness into your words. “It’s wonderful news. I hope it’s an easy pregnancy—”

“Don’t,” he snarls, his expression twisting with rage as he cuts the distance between you but you step back before he can touch you. “I am not here because of that. I’m—”

“Then why are you here, Santino?”

He exhales loudly, the frame of his body restless as it is tense. Upon closer inspection, you realise that you were wrong. He looks miserable. The bags under his eyes are so deep and dark, he looks at least ten years older. Like the cocky ease with which he’s always held himself has crumbled away into nothing. 

“Why?” he breathes unsteadily, and tries to reach for you again but you pull back again, the back of your thighs almost brushing against your work desk. “Why won’t you let me touch you, amore? Let me. Let me.”

His voice is a wrecked whisper as he steps closer, leaning his face closer while his fingers come to cup your cheeks. He’s as frantic as he is hollowed out, unsteady, and you both exhale when your skin meets his. A shudder rolls across your limbs and you have to swallow down your own relief. You know him intimately; the heat of his palms, the tickle of his breath, the scent of his cologne and the security of his presence by your side.

For a moment you simply stand together, your foreheads almost touching, your breaths mingling. You breathe. Deep, haggard breaths. A part of you wonders if this is the first time in a year since either of you has been able to breathe properly. 

“Mi manchi,” he exhales in the space between you, his voice thick, warped. His fingers trace over the curve of your jaw, breathless, and your palm settles against his chest and the thundering beat of his heart alone betrays him. “So much I can’t sleep at night. Every minute, hm, every minute of every day, you haunt me. Tell me—tell me I am not alone in this sickness. This longing. Please, amore.”

Your fingertips hover over the round curve of his cheek, his chin, and you only offer him a pained, “You’re not.” 

You’ve been just as sick with longing for him as he’s been for you but—

He slams into you. The back of your legs crash against the desk but you don’t care because he’s kissing you and god—

It tears through you like a bolt of lightning, just like the first time you’ve kissed and all the times that followed. All those secret, stolen moments between you. The overwhelming heat that explodes through you every time.

His hands are cupping your face, his tongue eager and desperate as it refamiliarise itself with the taste of you and you lean into him too. Your nails scratch against his neck and he groans—that deep, rumbling sound—his hips pressing against yours and you can feel every inch of him. Every exhale and the heat and the taste of him—

You’re burning. You’re not drowning. You’re burning and you want to burn till there is nothing left of you at all. Till you’re both ash and can blow into the wind together, never to be controlled or dependant on the wills of others ever again. 

Your fingers slip into his hair, and he caresses your cheek, jaw, neck. His other hand trails down your neck and the curve of your breast before settling against your waist, greedy and selfish. His movements are barely controlled—like he wants to rush but knows that he needs to savour this—and you grind yourself into him, making him hiss out a breath when you break apart for a second. 

His self-control has snapped long ago, and his fingers snake around your thighs, coaxing and sensual, and your body knows his, so you obey. With his help, it takes only a tiny boost for you to settle on top of your desk. His slender fingers trace up your skin and your legs part for him, making all the room he might want or need. He slips between them easily, without hesitation; a dance and a play you have done a thousand times before. An effortless shifting and coiling of your limbs and—

And his lips are on your neck, the hollow of your throat, the cut of your collarbone. His burning fingers rest against the back of your neck and you sigh at the hotness of his mouth on your skin. Ravenous. His lips and tongue turn the blood in your veins into liquid flame as he explores. Your own fingers are in his hair again and that welcoming, warming heat in your lower stomach blooms—

“Ti amo così tanto.”

You crash back into reality. 

And with it, you push him back so hard, he stumbles.  

You get off the desk at once, smoothing your clothes as you gasp for breath, trying to not look at him. 

“We can’t—” it sounds like you’re talking through a mouthful of crushed glass but ignore the weakness of your own heart. “We can’t do this anymore, Santino.”

“Why not?”

He barely sounds coherent, but you still don’t look in his direction. Because he has such a way of ripping those walls down. Ever since he’s found a way to do it, he can do it with a blink and you hate him for it. You have to be strong now, more than ever, and you resent the fact that it’s you that has to be strong for the two of you.

You douse the heat in your veins, the inferno in your heart that only he has ever managed to ignite to such a degree, and lift your head.

Santino is breathing so heavily, his shoulders are moving with his inhales and you ignore the wild look in those green eyes of his.

“Because you’re married,” you spit out, pained, forcing the words out even as they shred your heart into ribbons, leaving a gushing, bleeding mess behind. “Because you’re expecting a child. Because there are lines we can’t cross anymore. I’m not that kind of person. We—we can’t be together. It’s time to accept that. Let me go. For your own sake just—”

But he’s shaking his head, his fingers flexing, and he approaches you purposely. Fury deepens the line of his face, sets his jaw into a rigid line. “Never.”  

“Please, Santino. You have a wife—”

“I don’t love her,” he snarls lowly, and stalks even closer, his eyes flashing. His gaze is merciless, almost cruel, as he murmurs his next words to you like a confession. “I will never love her. I can’t stand the sight of her, do you understand that, hm? She repels me in every way. On our wedding night, I imagined it was you.”

God, you don’t want to hear this. You can’t—

“Stop.” 

Your plea goes unanswered as his digits settle on your forearms, and he stares at you imploringly, still effortlessly cruel.  

“When I kissed her, I imagined that I was kissing you, tasting you,” he continues softly, and you shake your head, your eyes squeezing shut like you can block his words out if you don’t see the despondent look on his face. “When I fucked her, I imagined that it was you underneath me, amore mio. I imagined that it was love when I forced myself to touch her and make her feel good. And when I came it was with your name on my lips, not hers. How lucky for me that it only took once, no?”

“Stop,” you growl harshly, and shove him away from you again, your blood roaring in your ears. “Stop it. I don’t want to hear this. I—”

Your eyes burn as you turn your head away, trying to control the tsunami of emotion battering against your heart. 

You don’t want to know about a woman—his wife—who exists in your place now.

Santino is silent, his expression drawn, empty. 

It’s so unfair. It’s so fucking unfair. 

“Do you still love me?”

Your heart stops in your chest for a second, your throat closing up as your head jerks back towards him. 

“You know that I do.”

But it doesn’t make a difference. How you feel never makes a goddamn difference. Life never allows you happiness—not really. It throws you scraps of something good before its torn away from you again and again. 

Alone. Always so terribly, awfully alone.

“I don’t want to see you again,” you tell him quietly, and you feel your heart tear itself into tiny pieces. But it needs to be done. It needs to be. “And I forbid you from ever touching me again.”

He’s so still, he doesn’t look like he’s breathing. His expression frozen, his eyes wide, and lips parted in disbelief.

You place your hand against the back of your desk, gripping it so tightly your fingers ache. Something to anchor you to reality, something to help you ignore the lost look on his face, the bob of his throat as he forces himself to swallow. 

“You have your new life, and I have mine,” you tell him, your words devoid of emotion. “We finally got what we both wanted. Power. Don’t you think we should stop ruining each other’s lives? We should both move on and be happy.”

His gaze is frantic. 

“Don’t do this—” 

A sharp knock interrupts him. Santino’s mouth snaps shut and you turn towards the door.

“Come in.”

The door swings open before you’re even done speaking and Charon’s guarded stare goes straight to Santino as he enters. The tall man regards the Italian coolly for a moment before his head tilts in your direction respectfully. 

“Miss, the Adjudicator has arrived and wishes to see you at once.”

Santino is still staring at you, and every second of silence that stretches between you just leaves you colder and colder. 

You both have power now. But there is a price to pay for everything as he’s always been so fond of reminding you. 

Santino straightens, his chin tilting in that painfully familiar, proud manner and you almost crumble then. He empties his features of that longing and desire. Empties himself of everything till you’re left staring at the shell he projects. 

“This is not happiness, amore,” he says, his voice tinted with resentment, and his hands slip into his pockets. “This is not—”

His eyes go to Charon and he looks up the silent man up and down before his eyes cut back to you. 

“Lo sceglierò sempre te,” he states coldly, and you suck in a breath, gripping the table tighter. “Keep that mind, cara mia.” 

With that, he turns around and stalks out of the office, taking your heart with him. 

His footsteps disappear down the corridor and the silence left behind is so dreadful, you can’t bear to look at Charon.  

Minutes drag, but you can’t seem to get rid of the burn in your eyes. You hiss an angry breath from behind your tightly clenched teeth, and press your palm over your eyes. 

“Am I—”

The lump in your throat won’t let you speak, and you work to get rid of it for another few moments before you finally articulate your thoughts. 

“Am I really that undeserving of happiness, Charon?” you wonder in a fragile, wet whisper. “First John, now Santino. Am I really that awful that I can never be h-happy?” 

Crisp steps draw nearer and you lower your hand, staring at the floor. Charon pulls out a serviette from his pocket, offering it to you but you only shake your head, wrapping your arms around yourself.

“You more than deserve happiness, Miss,” he says quietly, almost kindly, and your watery stare raises to his face. “After all you have been through, it is not selfish to desire for such a thing.”

He puts the serviette back into his pocket and seems to hesitate. “Permission to speak freely, Miss?”

Your eyebrows knit. “Always.”

Charon sighs faintly, his head tilting slightly as he gives you a piercing look. “I do believe that if Sir were here, he would tell you to the hell with the rules. Go with your heart as they say.” 

You chuckle weakly, glancing towards the floor before your eyes lift back to the man before you again. “Winston cared about rules above all else.”

Charon’s eyebrow arch into a pointed line. “I do believe, Miss, that it would not be presumptuous for me to say that he cared about you even more. This hotel has always been more than a job, more than a duty to him—it was Sir’s legacy and he entrusted it to you because he believed you could lead better than anyone. But not at the expense of your own happiness.”

Inhaling deeply, you clear your throat, pressing your fingertips against the corners of your eyes. 

“Would you like me to contact Mr D’Antonio—”

“No.”

Charon’s expression slackens with surprise, and you give him a firm look. 

“We have business to attend to,” you tell him resolutely, wiping your face of emotion, of vulnerability you showed him because you trust him just as Winston once did. “Like you said, we have a legacy to uphold. Let’s go and show that terrible, annoying Adjudicator what we’re made of.”   

Charon stands taller, his posture ramrod straight, and he inclines his head with that cool professionalism. “Of course, Miss,” he says, but you see the sadness buried deep in that dark stare. “As you wish.”

Santino has his new family. 

And you have yours. 

It’s time to wake up and live in reality. 

… 

an: AS IF I WAS GONNA WAIT FOR A MONTH FOR THIS PAIN FEST. I would have written this sooner but this ask came through in the middle of my 48 hour COA 11 lockdown and then I had work. But maaaaaan. The pain of this AU………it hit differently. We are here to suffer and suffer only. Hope you “enjoyed” it!!!     

[lovemesomesurveys]

“she acts like summer and walks like rain”

The power goes out. What are three things that you have taken for granted? I mean, it depends how long it goes out for. I’ve only experienced that for a couple hours at most from what I can recall, so. Although, the worst to me is when it happens for any length of time during the summer because it instantly feels like a sauna in my house and it’s absolutely miserable. D: It happened a few times this past summer during a heat wave with triple digit temps... not fun. But yeah, that’s the only thing that really bothers me from my experience. I just mess around on my phone, play Animal Crossing, read, or just chill with the fam. My dad acts like it’s the end of the world lol like a couple minutes in he’s like, “what are we going to do for food?? I think we might have to get a hotel or something, we can’t stay here with no power.” lol.

Have you ever done the Polar Bear plunge on New Years? I’ve never done it and never would. Nooo thanks. I don’t swim or get into the ocean, lake, or river for one, for two, diving into freezing cold temperatures sounds horrific. It’d probably shock my body and kill me.

Name lyrics that include the word "baby" in them. “Oh baby, you got what I need, but you say I’m just a friend.”

You get to choose your middle name! It must begin with the letter H. Nah.

Have you ever had a Halloween party? Yeah. I had one when I was in like 2nd grade and invited kids from my class over. I had a few smaller, more just like hangouts, with my cousins or friend as well. The most recent was like 4 years ago. I’ve been to more Halloween parties than I’ve thrown, though. 

Would you rather have a plant cactus or venus flytrap? A cactus.

Are you better at crosswords or word searches? I love word searches. 

Would you rather have a water balloon fight or a paint ball fight? I’ve only had water balloon fights, back when I was a kid. I wouldn’t want to have either one now. Running around and getting hit with stuff just doesn’t sound fun. I don’t have the energy for all that. Also paint ball fights sound especially painful.

Do you like being told what to do? In some cases I might need a little push or can’t decide on something so I’ll sometimes ask someone what I should do. Doesn’t mean I’ll listen, but it can be helpful. I don’t like when someone tells me what to do as a command. I’m super stubborn, so being told to do something just makes me not want to do said thing even more, even if I already planned on doing it.

What would you do if you were attacked by thugs? If I was attacked by anyone I wouldn’t be able to do a whole lot.

Do you have a favorite word? I can never think of one on the spot when asked.

On what circumstances would you break up with someone? If they cheated on me I might, but I can’t say for sure. It would depend on a few things. I’d also like to think I would if there was abuse. I feel like I would, but I’ve never been in that situation and I know it’s not always that simple.

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No.

What's your worst subject? Math was always my worst subject.

What are 3 things that make you happy? God, my family (including my doggo), and vacations.

“baby, let me be your last first kiss”

Have you ever been pampered? I get my hair done fairly regularly (not so much now... I can blame covid this year, but let’s be real the past few years I started slacking). 

Are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose? I don’t want to have kids; however, IF I did, I wouldn’t force them to. I would certainly encourage and support, but it’d be their decision. If they didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t push it. It should be enjoyable for them, not torture.

Do you watch Toddler and Tiaras? Nah, I never got into that.

What was the last band t-shirt you bought? Nirvana. 

If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Uh, no???

Are you passionate? I feel like I haven’t been passionate in years. Like, even things I like I don’t get as excited about like I used to. I just feel unmotivated and deflated. 

Do you usually get nervous before taking a test? Always. I had major test anxiety.

True or false : Your middle name begins with the letter J False.

Are you more comfortable in public or in your house? Most definitely in my house. This is my safe, comfortable place where I’m not judged. My self-esteem has always been crap, but these past few years it’s been even worse. I’m very self-conscious. I also just don’t like being around a lot of people. 

Do you own an old vintage typewriter? No. 

Do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house? No, I want my doggo to do that. She’s not excessive about it, though. And she’s not a little yappy dog that barks when an ant walks by lol. My neighbor’s dogs bark a lot, feels like it goes on forever and it’s annoying. 

What's a commercial that you cannot stand? I don’t pay much attention to commercials.

Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper. 

Do you say "mate?" like Hello, mate! No.

What makes you rate a survey? I don’t rate them. I decide if I’m going to take a survey by skimming over the first few questions and seeing if they’re of interest to me and if I’ve already done it before (well, at least to see if I’ve done it recently).

“I can’t explain loneliness”

Do you drink Mountain Dew? I haven’t had it in probably like 10 years. I used to love the red and blue one. Oh, and I liked the AMP energy drinks Mountain Dew used to(?) have.

How many weddings have you been to? Three. 

When you smile, are you confident? No.

Have you ever not done something because you were afraid of getting in trouble? Yeah.

Was the weather beautiful today? It’s finally been feeling like fall, which I love.

Do you have to have a fan on when you sleep? Yes. During the hot months I have 3 going at all times in my room. I still have 2 of them going even though I’ve been needing a blanket now. I love it, though. If I turned them off I know I’d get warm again. I’d love to have it be cold and need a blanket year round.  Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? Out of those, I guess gray.

Would you ever dye part of your hair blue? No. I dye my hair red and I just want to keep it that color.

Have you ever gone to a private school? My UC is.

Is Finding Nemo a favorite movie of yours? No, but it’s cute.

Does/Did your school have a uniform? My preschool did. Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? It is on, it’s on MTV.

Does your house have security cameras? Yes.

What's your favorite Another Cinderella Story? The one with Hilary Duff.

Does a popsicle sound good right now? No. I’m not a popsicle kind of gal.

“0 of your friends are online - yup, I feel like a loser.”

Do you drink more water or juice? Definitely water. I don’t like juice, so I never drink it.

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. Tank top weather all the way, no competition. I hate summer. I also don’t wear tank tops. 

Do you always carry a purse with you? Not lately. The other day was the first time I had one, well it was my Baby Yoda mini backpack, in several months.

Do you update your Facebook relationship status when it changes? It’s never changed since making my Facebook in 2008 :X Joseph and I had our thing, but it wasn’t an official relationship. If I were to get in a relationship I wouldn’t rush to make it Facebook official cause who cares, like that wouldn’t be my first thought, but I could decide to change it at some point. Ha, maybe I would do it right away cause it’d be so surprising and shocking that I’d have to share it with everyone lmao.

Have you ever kissed a Zachary? Nope.

Do you hate when people try to embarrass you? Uh, being embarrassed certainly isn’t fun... I wouldn’t want someone to purposely try and embarrass me. Do you like in October when a bunch of haunted places open up? I like October for many Halloween-related reasons, but not for ghost walks or haunted houses - those aren’t really my thing. <<< Same, I don’t do all that.

Did you tell someone you loved them today? No.

Do you watch the show Ghost Adventures? I’ve never heard of it before. I’ve heard of Ghost Hunters - my father enjoys that show. <<< Ha, my dad really likes one of those as well; I forget which one. I’ve never gotten into shows like, though. 

When it's dark, do you always tell someone to drive safe? No.  

Are you love sick? No.

Do you want your own house someday? My family and I do. We’ve only ever rented.

What color are your curtains in your bedroom? Dark blue.

Are you superstitious? I do the knock on wood thing, but I think it’s just habit now.

Is there a cat in the room you're in right now? No, I don’t have a cat.

“it only takes a second to fall in love”

Have you ever read the book The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks? Nope.

Have your parents ever said you're ruining your life by dating someone? No.

Are you excited for anything? I’m looking forward to starting my Christmas shopping.

True or false : It's past 9:22 PM True, it’s 2:43AM.

Do you hate when artist change their music? No, not necessarily. It can be cool to see them try different genres. Does your house have a doorbell? Yep.

Would you ever name your car? *shrug*

What's worse : Two-faced people or fake people? Isn’t that the same thing?

Are you wearing a necklace? No. I haven’t worn a necklace in years.

Have you ever saved someone's life? No. Do you hate when your makeup smears? I always hated how my eyeliner smudged in the corners. I say “hated”, past tense, because I haven’t worn any makeup at all in like 3 years.

Are you good at giving advice? I think I kinda used to be, but not now. I was the one friends always came to. I used to also participate on teen message boards when I was like 12-14 and tried to offer advice and resources to people when I could. Sometimes I IMed with people who needed advice, too. That’s when I knew I wanted to help people in some way and it was in high school when I discovered what psychology/ a psychologist was. I majored and got my BA in it, too... now it’s just collecting dust and I don’t want to purse it anymore....

Have you gotten into any fights within the past week? No.

How often do you go to the kitchen? I don’t know.... probably like a handful of times. 

Are you strong? Nope. Not mentally or emotionally, and certainly not physically.

“bring her back to serendipity”

When you choose your golf ball for put-put, what color do you pick? I’ve never played.

Have you ever ate the tip of a pencil? The eraser. No...

When was the last time you wore earrings? I got cute rose gold Minnie Mouse ones for Christmas last year and wore those for a couple months until they started messing with my ears for some reason. It was weird because it was like they were getting sucked into the hole? I’ve never had that happen.

You can dye your hair red or neon green. You pick? I already dye it red.

How many Juliet's do you know? I don’t know any.

What's your current mood? I don’t feel well.

What time is it? 2:55AM. Do you own any colored pants? No.

What color of eye shadow do you wear? I haven’t worn eyeshadow in several years.

Hamburger or steak? Hamburger, definitely. I don’t like steak.

When was the last time you ran through a sprinkler? Not since I was a kid.

Can you do a cartwheel? No.

Do you believe you have the perfect parents? No one is perfect, but my parents are quite amazing.

Do you own any Converse? I still have one pair. I used to have a few.

How tall are you? 5′4.

“Right now, I just wish you were here.”

Would you ever try a workout video? Or have you? Maybe a fun dance one if it involved a lot of arm movements that I could do. Do you like your ice cream in a cup or cone? It’s gotta be a cup or waffle bowl for me cause I take too long to finish my ice cream and it gets super messy otherwise. 

Are fireworks your favorite things ever? I like how pretty they are, but I definitely don’t enjoy the sound that they make. <<< Ugh, saaaame. I hate the sound.

Is your cat orange? As I’ve said, I don’t have a cat.

Is anything in the room your in striped? My Adidas have 3 stripes on both sides.

What song do you hear playing? I’m not listening to music.

Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Yeah. Back in elementary school we used to hunt for ‘em on St. Patrick’s Day.

Do you think you've been in love? I believe so. Twice.

Have you ever read Romeo and Juliet? In the 9th grade, we were required to in English class. <<< Yep.

Were you ever in the plays in school? No.

Whose eyes do you have? Pretty sure they’re my own. Haaaa. My eyes are the same color as my mom’s. 

When was the last time you bought a pair of new shoes? I haven’t bought my own in a long time. I often get a new pair for my birthday and/or Christmas from my parents, usually my dad. He’s a total shoe guy, so he likes to buy shoes quite a bit for himself and as gifts for my family and I.

How many gray shirts do you have? I don’t know; a few.

Have you ever cried because you missed someone so much? Yes. Especially after the death of loved ones.

Do you hate waiting for things? I’m very impatient. Waiting makes me nervous and anxious.